#just an idiot who is trying to cope so my advice might not be great haha

[mcytsrebloggerlol]

Blood for the blood god.

o7 Technoblade. He may be gone but his legacy lives on.

It’s going to be hard for awhile. Take care of yourselves. It’s okay to distance yourself from Techno centred fics and media - I myself am likely going to avoid the MCYT fandom for a few day as I process. I encourage you to do what’s best for you.

Technoblade never dies. May he live in our hearts forever.

[craftypeaceturtle]

Distanced, part 2

Summary: How are these useless students coping with life?

Note: This is a group chat fic, my first one so this might not be that good! Also this contains swearing. Eventual intrulogical. 

Part 1 here!

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MESSAGES: To Remus Prince (Presentation)

Friday, 13:02

Hello, sorry to interrupt, but I just want to ask where you gathering your sources? Are there any particular databases you’re using? Thank you.

Remus Prince: I’m just going through the read list.

The reading list? But that only has one text that could be anything remotely useful for this topic!

Remus Prince: ye but it’s a starting point

Remus Prince: like u can read it and then read whatever it references.

Are we allowed to do that?

Remus Prince: wha

Remus Prince: DUH! 

Surely that must count as plagiarism or something of the sort. You can’t use someone else’s sources.

Remus Prince: u sound so stupid

Remus Prince: u’ll read the book it references and form ur own interpretation.

Remus Prince: u’ll get different quotes

Remus Prince: u’ll be using it for a different argument

Remus Prince: why would u not be allowed to read texts!

MESSAGES: To Remus Prince (Presentation)

Friday, 14:13

Okay I emailed Dr Smith and he said it was fine. Thank you for the advice.

Remus Prince: OMG

Remus Prince: You actually told the teacher on me!

The teacher agreed with you? You’re not in trouble.

Remus Prince: THAT WAS MY SECRET!

Remus Prince: now the teachers actually think I’m capable

If it makes you feel better, I did not mention your name.

Remus Prince: you really had to double check?

Maybe I was being a little paranoid but I don’t think you understand the crisis I’m currently having. I typically spend hours running around the library and searching random titles to figure out suitable texts. When all this time I could have just been using the references! I am beyond furious and relieved at this new technique to research. 

Remus Prince: ah of course

Remus Prince: you totally came across that way in the 2 messages you sent

My world view has been fractured, I think that justifies not texting much. 

Remus Prince: why did you apologise

Excuse me?

Remus Prince: HAH

Remus Prince: now who sucks at reading!

Remus Prince: You said sorry in the first message.

I wasn’t sure if you were in a lecture or class. It’s polite.

Remus Prince: nah

Remus Prince: I’d answer even if I was.

That is not nearly as comforting as you are intending. How far along are you in your research?

Remus Prince: honestly?

Remus Prince: I’ve read five pages in on a book on the reading list. 

Remus Prince: I’ve done like nothing.

That’s indeed some amount of research. Again, as long as you are done by the 15th then whatever it takes.

Remus Prince: See you said no judgement but I picked up a lot of judgement

We have already agreed your reading comprehension is not the best.

Remus Prince: HAH

Remus Prince: so what are u up to?

Actually working on the research project.

Remus Prince: im bored

Remus Prince: I’ve been sitting waiting for my washing machine for like 9 hours 

Remus Prince: maybe later I will do work

I sincerely doubt it has been nine hours. How come you’re washing your clothes at such an awkward time?

Remus Prince: Awkward?

I can’t think of many students who would wash their clothes in the middle of the week day with classes. 

Remus Prince: every1 washes their stuff on the weekend

Remus Prince: plus everyone knows the weekend is for doing nothing. Might as well get all my jobs done now.

You really plan to do nothing during the weekend?

Remus Prince: hells ye

Remus Prince: maybe, at most, I’ll send Dee to campus coffee

As long as you’re done by the 2nd. Though I really should congratulate you on your superior taste to coffee shops.

Remus Prince: ?

If universal opinion existed, then Campus Coffee being the best coffee shop would be considered one. For whatever ridiculous reason, both Patton and Roman don’t really like it. 

Remus Prince: really

Remus Prince: I thought I saw Ro go in.

Roman occasionally practises lines with his other theatre colleagues and that is always where they meet up. But he never buys a drink as he is apparently a literal man child and cannot cope with a drink that isn’t just chocolate and milk.

Remus Prince: RIGHT??????

Remus Prince: my roomie V likes to pretend he takes coffee but he can only drink hot choc. 

Remus Prince: He doesn’t deserve coffee anyway

Exactly! Have you talked to Remy there?

Remus Prince: YE

Remus Prince: He practically forced me to be his friend with how incredible he makes coffee

Remus Prince: He’ll even add energy drink to mine!

Okay maybe that is a little strange. But I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. He finally convinced me to leave my usual order of a white coffee and I have not regretted it. 

He doesn’t actually add energy drink to your coffee right?

Remus Prince: ye he does but don’t worry he bullies me for it

Remus Prince: The entire time I sit and drink it he’ll be holding up his phone with 911 dialed.

That seems fair.   

Remus Prince: without being so incredibly forward

Remus Prince: do you want me to grab you a coffee now

What do you mean?

Remus Prince: Well im bored

Remus Prince: and it’s your fault for talking coffee

Remus Prince: now I really want coffee

Remus Prince: I’m now heading that direction.

I’m sorry but I cannot meet up right now. I’m doing work and then I want to be prompt coming home to help my roommate.

Remus Prince: fair thought id offer

MESSAGES: To Remus Prince (Presentation)

Friday, 14:20

If you’re still willing, I am sitting in the library and I would truly appreciate it if you could drop off the coffee. 

I can pay.

Obviously this is up to you. 

Remus Prince: soz was walking

Remus Prince: ye I can do that

Sorry for not being able to sit around, but I do appreciate this. 

Remus Prince: ur fine

Remus Prince: what u want

Firstly, it is “you’re”. Secondly, without sounding like a cliche film character, just say my name. Remy makes an effort to give me a slightly different order every day to “widen my tastes”.

Remus Prince: wow

Wow?

Remus Prince: For the very epitome of the nerd stereotype, did you really hit me with that “just say my name and they’ll know” trope?

Please, I can be cool.

Remus Prince: Are you begging?

Remus Prince: Also

Remus Prince: what do you look like again?

I’m sorry?

Remus Prince: reading comprehension! Fairly simple question.

I am wearing a black polo shirt with a blue tie. Caucasian with shaved hair. 5′10. 

Remus Prince: how efficient.

May I ask why?

Remus?

Remus Prince: Soz I just got our orders. 

Remus Prince: I’m really bad at faces.

You could have simply asked where I would be. I’m on the second floor, computer room 209. There’s a few others here but I’ll wave once you walk in. 

Remus Prince: okay maybe that would’ve made more sense

Remus Prince: shutup.

I know I have stated this before, but we have indeed talked before. You will recognise me. 

Remus Prince: listen I’m not fucking around.

Remus Prince: I am genuinely shit at faces

Remus Prince: it was one question prick

I apologise. I didn’t realise. 

Remus Prince: Hey I’m here, now heading up. 

.

.

MESSAGES: To Padre!!

Friday, 16:00

Greetings wonderful Pat! Did you perhaps end up baking today like you said you would?

Padre!!: Heya Ro! Yeah, we made cupcakes! We didn’t fancy making icing but we did have choc chips!

AW YEAH! Just wanted to check so I know whether to buy cake. Anything I need to pick up while I’m here?

Padre!!: All good here. 

Padre!!: Logan saw Remus today.

hE DID????????

Padre!!: Yeah, he brought him coffee. Some special coffee, not his white coffee.

ASJKDGA

(also how on this great big boundiful earth do you know his usual coffee order?)

Padre!!: Because that’s what family does!

Why would he bring him coffee?

Padre!!: I have no idea. Logan didn’t really talk about it. 

He didn’t talk about it?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Padre!!: I don’t know what to tell you. He got all quiet. He makes it sound like they don’t even like each other but he still brought him a coffee. 

EWEWEW

YOU DON’T THINK HE’S TRYING TO MAKE A MOVE

Padre!!: I don’t know. It sounds like it but Logan said they had a bit of a tiff in the texts.

... a tiff?

Padre!!: Like a small argument.

No I knew what it means, I meant it in a “omg you’re so adorable for describing a disagreement as a tiff”. 

Padre!!: I want to joke around Ro but I am a little worried about him. He acted fine after the coffee and he said they didn’t talk. It just seems like such a weird thing to do! I’m worried Remus would try and pull something. This sounds exactly like how all those stories you tell begins. 

Lo’s not an idiot. 

He’s a nerd. 

There’s no way he would fall into his trap. He’d let us know if something wasn’t right. 

Padre!!: Good point.

I’ll be home in like 5 mins. I’ll run.

Padre!!: You don’t have to Ro.

Padre!!: I’m just overreacting.

Padre!!: Ro?

Padre!!: You better make sure you’re still looking both ways even when running!

[springwritess]

Hi so um I just lost someone in my family and I was wondering if you do some hcs for Law and Zoro comforting their so.

anime: one piece

dedicated to: @a-bi-who-just-wants-sweaters

note: im sorry for your loss. if you want to talk to anyone about it, my DMs are open. you don’t have to go through this alone. your feelings matter. i also decided to do all the strawhats and law

***

Luffy:

Luffy tends to be a bright, simple minded person. He takes things at face value and usually isn’t serious. However, he genuinely does care about his crewmates - which includes you. As Rayleigh described, Luffy has a special type of observation haki. It allows him to understand the emotions of others. He was the first person to notice your grief.

Luffy is a man of action. The way he’ll try to help you cope by giving the space you need, or the physical affection you need. It depends on what you’re feeling that day. He understands how difficult it is to loose a family member, and how these things take time. If you’re not feeling particularly bright or happy on some days, he’ll try his best not to annoy you. If you’re looking for a hug or a shoulder to cry on, Luffy will offer it to you. He’ll even give you his strawhat and place it on your head. It’s special to him, and so are you to him. It’s his way of showing everything will be okay.

If you’re feeling particularly bad on a day, he might come into your room and see if there’s anything he can do. He’ll try to make you food or give you something to cheer you up. Luffy might try to make jokes (such as making silly faces) to get you to laugh. If it isn’t working, he’ll sit there with you. If you want to talk, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine. He won’t pry.

There are also days where Luffy is also feeling particularly blue, whenever he thinks about Ace. On those days, he may come and talk about the horrors he faced during Impel Down, or the war he had to go through. On those days, you’ll open up and talk about your family member. You’ll be there for each other, and help each other cope and find ways to push through in life.

Zoro:

Zoro is someone who’s quiet and is not the best at showing his concern for others through his actions. He shows his concern and care for his crewmates (you included) by little things. Checking to see if they’re okay, protecting them in battle and staying close to them. He’s not the type to voice his love and care for his crewmates.

Zoro would check up on you every now and then. He would keep his space, because he knows having too many people check up on you can be overwhelming. He would ask Chopper if you’re doing any better mentally. He would also ask Sanji if you’ve been skipping any meals.

The times he would check up on you would be at night. Zoro doesn’t seem much. He usually gets about 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and take naps throughout the day. If he realizes you’re up and wondering about the ship, he might talk to you and see if you’re doing any better. Whether you talk to him a lot or a little, he’ll still stay and listen to you.

Sometimes, he may ask you to join him while he’s working out. You’ll stay with him, whether that means you’ll work out or not. It’ll comfort you just having him close by. Whenever you do choose to excercise, it’ll be relieving. It takes your mind off things, and it greatly improves your mood.

Nami:

Nami will be one of the first people to realize there’s something wrong. She’ll see you one night silently crying to yourself. She’ll come up to you and see what’s wrong. She’ll sit you down and try to talk to you. She’ll comfort you, whether it’s through her words, giving you a hug or just sitting there with you. Nami understands grief takes time, she’ll be there with you 100% along the way.

Nami is one of the first people you’ll go to whenever you feel like talking about your family member. She’ll sit there and listen to you talk about them for hours. Sometimes, she’ll share stories of Bellemare.

You have your tasks and duties on the ship. Sometimes, it’s difficult for you to be able to fulfill your role of being a strawhat. Nami will make sure everything goes along smoothly whenever you need to sit down and be by yourself. She’ll assign everyone orders, and they’ll happily do your job if it means letting you feel better.

She’ll also check up on you now and then, like a big sister. She’ll ask Sanji if you’re eating. She’ll ask Chopper if you’re feeling any better emotionally. If you aren’t doing those things, she’ll come and talk to you. She’ll gently remind you that eating healthy is important. She’ll also remind you that everyone is there for you. You can talk when you’re ready.

Usopp:

Unlike Nami, Usopp isn’t as perceptive when it comes to learning about the feelings of others on the crew. It might take him awhile to notice the little things, like how you look tired all the time, or how you’re overeating/not eating at all during meals. He’ll still try to be there for you however

Usopp understands the pain of losing a close family member too well. He lost his mother at a young age. He’ll try to talk to you about how you feel, and give you some of his own personal experiences. He may sit closer to you during meals.

When the crew is fooling around and playing games, he’ll make sure you’re always there. He’ll want you to have a good time, so he’ll make sure you’re included. By doing this, Usopp wants to remind you that you’re not alone. The crew cares about you so much.

Sanji:

Sanji is emotionally perceptive, and he’ll realize right away something bad happened to you. He starts to notice you’re skipping meals and spending less time with the crew. You would always have a blank look on your face, staring out to see. His first instinct would be to rush over to you and see if you’re sick, or if anything is wrong. You’d brush him off, and say everything is fine. You would explain to him you’re just tired. This would happen frequently. Eventually, Sanji would give you space. He doesn’t want to pressure you into telling him anything.

Sanji would instead focus on making sure you’re eating enough, and eating the right foods. He’ll bring food to your room if you don’t come down during a meal. He’ll make you small healthy snacks throughout the day too. He’ll focus on what he’s capable on, which is your eating habits. If you have trouble sleeping at night, he’ll make you tea. He’ll make sure there’s always a cup of tea waiting for you every night before he heads to bed. When he’s on night watch, he’ll leave a kettle on the stove for you.

If you do choose to tell him what happens, he’ll be 100% willing to listen. He’ll drop whatever he’s doing to hear you talk. He won’t interrupt you, or become emotional, or try to offer you any advice. Despite acting like an idiot sometimes, Sanji is emotionally smart. He knows that he can’t solve anything, or that advice won’t always help. He’ll sit there and listen patiently.

Sanji may invite you into the kitchen to watch him cook if you’re sitting by yourself some days. He’ll make jokes, and talk about things to cheer you up. You’ll help him set and clear the table, which makes you feel much better.

Chopper:

Despite being the doctor of the crew, Chopper is quite naive. He isn’t as good as noticing things as the other crewmates. Chopper would have no idea anything is upsetting you, until you bring it up to him one day. He would be fooling around with Luffy and Usopp, and you would ask him if you’d like a checkup. He’ll take you to do one.

You’ll first ask him about his stance on mental health, and how important he thinks it is. He’ll explain to you, that your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. You’ll bring up your family member who recently passed away, and how difficult it’s been for you.

You would see Chopper every week about how you’re feeling. Chopper would remain calm, and won’t pry for details. He’ll listen to everything you say, and may even take notes. He would become your therapist in a way. Everything you tell him, he would keep a secret. He doesn’t want to loose your trust.

Robin:

Similar to the other strawhats, Robin also had an extremely difficult life. Her home island was destroyed when she was just a child. She lost her mom at a young age and lived a life on the run for twenty years. It’s difficult for her to open up, and she still struggles with it till this day. She’ll understand that you’ll need time to process what happened. She won’t talk to you about it, or ever bring it up to you.

She may recommend a book for you to read, to help you make you feel better. She’ll make you a cup of tea too whenever she’s going to read her book. You’ll find yourself often reading with Robin side by side. It’s a great stress-reliever for the both of you.

If you ever do choose to open up to Robin, she’ll listen to everything you say. She may give you words of advice, or offer you words of comfort. She’ll almost act like your mom in a way afterwards.

Franky:

Franky may act like an idiot sometimes, but he does have rare times when he acts mature. These are times where a crew member needs his help, or if he needs to step up and do his job as a strawhat. This is one of those times.

It’ll take him a bit of time however to notice that something is wrong. Similar to Robin, he won’t pressure you to say anything to him. He’ll just do what he’s capable of. He may offer you a cola drink once in awhile. It makes him feel better, so he’ll try to give you one I’m hopes of making you feel better

Franky may ask you to try out some of the cool inventions he’s working on. He may even invite you to his workshop, where you’ll watch and try to help him out. It’ll just be small things, such as handing him a tool or trying to tighten a screw. You’ll start to bond with Franky from here on out.

Brook:

Brook understands the pain of losing someone close to you. He lost his friends before his eyes and had to live around their dead bodies for decades. He’ll be extremely mature when it comes to try and helping you through these difficult times.

Brook copes through music. Expect him to play various pieces for you every day, some happy and some sad. Many will give you the feeling of happiness and peace. His music will bring back many memories of your deceased family member. Some days you’ll listen to his music and just cry.

Brook will also give you music tapes to listen to in your room. They all be songs he written and performed himself. You’ll find yourself often in your room, listening to music and reminiscing about your family member.

Trafalgar Law:

Law may seem like a cold, calm and collected individual. He can even be ruthless at times. He tends to keep to himself and doesn’t find himself having many friends. He does however, deeply care about his crew. He’s not the best at showing his affection towards them, but he does genuinely does care about them. He cares about you.

Law will realize immediately that something happened. He’ll assume you’re sick or injured, but it’ll turn out that’s not the case. He’ll ask you about it. If you’re not comfortable opening up and sharing yet, it’ll frustrate him. He wants to help you, but he wouldn’t know what’s bothering you. If you do tell him early on, it’ll shock him. He’ll stay calm however, and try to help you feel better as much as he can.

Similar to Chopper, he’ll check up on you every week. He’ll ask you how you’re feeling and other questions. He won’t pry, and you’ll tell him as much as you’re comfortable telling him. He’ll write down everything you say. He’ll become your therapist in a way too.

Law isn’t the best at expressing his affection and care towards his crew, so he’ll ask the others to do so. He’ll tell them to remind you in both subtle and grand ways that everyone cares. Expect lots of hugs from Bepo. Your other crewmates will try to spend more time with you.

Law will also give you space. He understands that some days you need time by yourself. Law also has days where he needs his own space. If you’re feeling particularly bad on one day, Law won’t bother you. He won’t force you to complete your tasks on the crew and will ask the others to do them instead. He may complete them if nobody else can.

At the end of the day, all your crewmates care about you. They want to remind you that you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be sad. That it’s okay to cry. That it’s okay to have bad days. They all express their love and care for you, each in their own way.

You are not alone.

[beybladeimagines]

Hi :-) I just wanted to say I’m really glad you’re back! I’ve always been a secret admirer of your headcanons as they’re not only very well written, but in my opinion prove that you have a really good understanding of the characters! Two requests (out of which you can either do both or whichever you like best :-D): 1.) What character traits would the Blitzkrieg Boys look for in a girlfriend? 2.) How would they behave watching Disney movies and what would be their favorite Disney movie(s)?

MOD TALKS: EFHWIUEHFE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Really, those words keep me so motivated and I’m so happy to write for such kind and beautiful souls like you. Thanks for giving me so many exciting things to write about. If it’s cool, I’m going to answer the first prompt, just because I wrote a lot for it already, but I’m totally down to answer the second prompt in another ask! :)

WHAT CHARACTER TRAITS DO THE BLITZKRIEG BOYS LOOK FOR IN A GIRLFRIEND?

TALA: The number one thing he looks for is patience. He needs someone that will allow him to open up at his own pace, but also… Because love is, quite literally, a newfound feeling for him, he needs someone that will give him enough time to really understand what that feeling entails and how that feeling should be expressed. He doesn’t want someone to constantly nag him to take him somewhere or to fight with him about his inability to say more about himself. When he’s confronted like that, it only encourages him to continue shutting them out. He is very cautious and he thinks that trust is something that is built rather than instantly extended. 

In addition, he looks for loyalty. Loyalty doesn’t just mean being exclusive with him (although he prefers exclusivity entirely), it means sticking with him through thick and thin. It means being there, even when it’s hard for both parties. It means being persistent, never letting go, and being willing to work through hard times. He knows he’s not the easiest person to get along with or work with, but when he’s dedicated to someone, he tries and he expects them to really try too.

He prefers really chill or calm souls. He doesn’t like when people ask him too many questions, or when they’re loud, or when they’re obnoxious. Yes, he tolerates Bryan and Tyson, but they have different impacts on his life and play drastically different roles. He doesn’t mind being with someone that encourages him to step out of his comfort zone, but he prefers if that encouragement isn’t…eccentric. It’s totally possible to be chill, but also outgoing. You don’t have to be quiet for him to be into you. Rather, he just prefers not to deal with a lot of constant high energy. He prefers to be around someone who’s considerate of his emotional and mental availability. He struggles to meet high energy folks at the level they’re at, unless he gets to be snarky or sarcastic.

He likes wise and outspoken personalities. What I mean by this, is he likes people who speak with a purpose. He likes people who sound knowledgeable and give advice (good advice, btw) when it’s needed and called upon. He likes people who are ready to call others out on their bullshit, even his own. Although he doesn’t like to be confronted with his faults, someone who speaks wisely will structure the statement in such a way that it doesn’t feel like an attack. He likes someone who contributes to a conversation in a meaningful manner. He’s never been the type for mindless chatter, but if someone asks him a very insightful question, he’ll feel more inclined to entertain them with a few words.

BRYAN: He looks for someone with an open mind and free spirit. Unlike his teammates, Bryan likes to try new things (and likes to try them with new people). He doesn’t like sitting still and doesn’t mind doing something that might make him uncomfortable. He likes breaking out of his shell. Granted, this is probably because he needs constant distractions to avoid confronting his internalized trauma, but at least he’s getting himself out there. Bryan has always done these “new things” alone, but he’d love to have someone by his side that’s willing to be just as weird, crazy, dangerous, and reckless with him. He looks for someone that just wants to have a good time. In other words, he needs someone to be his escape.

Bryan also likes someone that’s responsible. “But J… Didn’t you just say he likes someone that’s reckless with him?” Yes, BUT… He knows that being reckless isn’t always good for him. Problem is, he’s not very good at stopping himself. His conscious is almost nonexistent, and he needs a person to really put him in his place. It’s not that he’s looking for someone to constantly scold him. Rather, he needs someone to tell him why something isn’t a good idea, what bad things will happen, and what he has to lose. Responsibility, and the fact that it’s exuded onto him, tells him that person is genuinely concerned for him. Aside from his boys, he’s never really had someone care about him. So… The fact that his partner does just really hits him hard and will instantly make him change his mind about doing something stupid.

He looks for someone that’s brave. Let’s not confuse this with recklessness. When thinking about the word “brave” to him, brave is someone that’s willing to endure all the trials and trauma that unfortunately follows him. Sometimes, things just happen to him that he didn’t ask for. Sometimes, he cracks and finds unhealthy ways of coping, because he’s terrified and doesn’t know how to deal with certain issues head on. He’s looking for someone who isn’t scared…or, if they are, they don’t show it. When they’re brave during chaos, it means that it’s totally possible for him to overcome something. He just needs that hope. He wants to find it in his partner.

He likes resilience. Resilience doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is tough all the time. It’s okay to crack or break. Rather, he needs someone that can endure his stupid jokes and the occasional dumb (and potentially hurtful) comments he extends. He has no idea when he’s being an idiot. To be resilient means they don’t crack before him. They put him in his place when he needs to know that he’s being foolish. He likes seeing someone who’s strong. He doesn’t mind being with someone who can kick his own ass too. But if they were constantly fragile… He has no idea how to fix it. He just looks for someone who can take a hit and hit back even harder.

SPENCER: He looks for someone that’s youthful or cheerful. Despite his stoic and tough exterior, Spencer yearns for softness. He yearns for something gentle. He yearns for something that pushes through pain. He looks for someone that isn’t afraid to laugh or smile. In fact, he loves loud laughs the most, because it shows that the person isn’t afraid to be happy. He likes people who unashamedly express their emotions, because he doesn’t have to try to decipher them or read them. Cheerful doesn’t have to mean blindly happy. Who the fuck is happy all the time? Impossible. Rather, he just loves people who allow him to get a glimpse of their unfiltered elation. He wants to be part of that. He wants to ignite that. He wants to be the reason someone smiles. He’s a sucker for someone’s smile. It’s probably the first thing he falls for.

He loves high energy. His friends have always been reserved with their emotions. Even Bryan. Bryan just hides his true self all the time. But anyway. High energy folks aren’t afraid to let him know how they feel. They always want him involved, they’re always willing to be around him, they’re always down to talk, and he likes how warm and inviting they are. He has no qualms with being pushed out of his comfort zone. In fact, he thinks it’s kind of hot when someone, especially a woman, takes charge and wants him to do something specific. Additionally, he likes people who are spontaneous and adventurous, because it just gives him more stuff to look forward to. Like they constantly surprise him.

He likes someone who knows what they want and aren’t afraid to take control. Spencer can be rather passive. He does take control when he feels like his friends are in danger, but for the most part, he prefers if someone else has a plan. When it comes to love, Spencer is a people pleaser. He might not know exactly what he’s doing, but he tries. He likes someone who will flat-out tell him what he should do to make them feel good and he’ll execute that desire so swiftly and so well. In addition, he appreciates the confidence that comes with being able to take control. He likes someone who’s able to come up with a plan on the spot and can tell it like it is. He doesn’t really like vagueness or someone who’s indecisive. He’s very much attracted to fast-paced people and fast-paced environments.

Spencer also looks for someone who’s willing to grow. Most people are set in their ways, but sometimes…they’re in need of further developing aspects of themselves. Spencer is the type that’s mostly down for anything and he expects his partner to be too. He knows he’s not perfect, he knows he has his own healing to do, but he wants someone to be able to grow with him. He looks for someone that actually listens to the advice he gives and actually follows it. He looks for someone with great communication and active listening skills. Someone who responds to what he says without rolling their eyes. He needs someone who takes the relationship seriously. Sure, he appreciates a playful personality, but sometimes they need to really embrace those serious moments.

IVAN: He’s attracted to spitfire personalities. I mean, he really loves someone who’s outgoing, passionate, exciting, playful, and eccentric. He also appreciates anyone that’s witty, sarcastic, and can roll with the punches. Aside from Bryan, Ivan probably has the most personality in the group. He needs someone he can exchange energies with, someone who can respond quick to his snarky retorts, someone who can put him in his place, and someone who can make him laugh in the process. He really likes someone with a lot of life, because god knows that his time is absent of it.

He looks for someone who’s supportive. When Ivan got replaced by Kai, he truly believed he was expendable. That moment solidified how he thought about himself. He looks for someone that’ll tell him otherwise. Supportive people won’t always confirm the thoughts in your head. He needs someone that will be there for him. Sometimes, he’s caught up in situations that he THINKS he has control over and sometimes he thinks he’s responding appropriately when really…he’s feeding into an unhealthy perception of himself. He looks for someone that will snap him out of his self-deprecation, someone who realizes that things aren’t right and is willing to be there to help him work through that.

In addition, he looks for someone that’s loyal. Ivan himself is as loyal as they come. He welcomed back his team with open arms when they returned. He needs someone who is willing to be exclusive with him and see him as their one and only. He doesn’t want to be seen as expendable anymore. He wants someone who validates him and reminds him that he’s someone worth hanging on to. To be fair, he’s pretty tough and he doesn’t always take things personally, but once he comes across someone that’s like, “hey… you’re great and I don’t think people tell you that enough” it will blow his fucking mind.

He looks for people that are engaging and involved. Ivan doesn’t like to sit still. He likes people who want to include him in their shenanigans. Hell, he even likes it when people simply invite him to go to the store with them. He likes someone who wants him to hang out with them or their friends. He likes someone who constantly wants to go somewhere to try something new or exciting. He likes someone who’s a real social butterfly, someone who isn’t afraid to meet new people and to befriend them. He likes someone who’s active in friendships, relationships, in the community, in their family… To him, that kind of personality lets him know that the person is really down to create connections, maintain them, and make them enjoyable.

KAI: Like Tala, he looks for someone that’s patient. Kai doesn’t open up to just about anyone… In addition, he really hates it when people try to tell him what to do. He doesn’t like standards, he doesn’t like expectations, and he doesn’t like to feel forced. He gets that people want him around or want him to be involved, but that only causes him to feel annoyed and overwhelmed. He constantly needs space from people and he needs someone that understands that. It’s not that Kai wants to be completely closed off. Rather, he needs someone that understands that he does things at his own pace. He needs time to really analyze someone in order to be mindful of their intentions. He looks for someone who lets him be himself and someone who doesn’t interfere with his goals. 

Kai looks for someone who’s honest. He doesn’t like someone who hides their true feelings, intentions, or self. He doesn’t really like people-pleasers, because they’re only doing what they do for someone else’s approval. He likes someone who isn’t afraid to say, “hey, what you said was fucked up” or “hey, that doesn’t sound like a good idea - here’s why.” Honesty isn’t the same as forcing an opinion. He actually doesn’t mind hearing what others have to say, so long as they aren’t forcing him to abide by the same philosophy. When someone is honest, it just means he doesn’t always have to be on his toes when he’s around them. If someone is honest, he’s way more relaxed and doesn’t have to wonder if there’s a hidden meaning behind some of their actions.

He prefers people who can bite back. Although Kai has a very dominant personality, he doesn’t really like when people just…give in to his commands or expectations. Although he appears annoyed when people question him or doubt him, he likes the challenge. Although blatant disrespect is a turn off, he likes people who motivate him to “work for it” or give him some perspective. He also finds it incredibly sexy when someone is able to by witty or quick with their responses. Try not to confuse wit with insults. He looks for someone who’s able to convey a sense of confidence and intelligence with their remarks. Why? Well. He likes being able to bring others down a peg, but not so easily.

He looks for someone who doesn’t give up. It’s okay to be hard on yourself - we all are, but it’s also possible to pick yourself back up. He’s attracted to people who know what they want and work hard to get it. He’s basically the same way and likes seeing people who are just as driven. When people have their own goals, they’re less inclined to interfere with his own. Additionally, if someone isn’t willing to give up on their goals, then that also means they aren’t willing to give up on him. He knows he’s got his own shit to work through and that it’s going to take time. He also knows he needs time to open up. He needs someone around that won’t give up on him, even when he’s at his lowest. Determination like that is sometimes really hard to come by.

[og-danny-dorito]

A Few Tommy Shelby Headcanons

why did i decide to make this? good ass question cause idk myself

S F W:

- OK just to start it off, hes probably bisexual

- hear me out okay

- the dude has varied taste in women, obviously. the only distinct traits i could find between them all were short hair and formless figures. this doesn't necessarily mean that he's bisexual, but at the time there was a lot of social stigma around anything that wasn't heterosexual and so I'm fairly certain whatever attraction to men he has has been pushed down

- and pansexual is also very possible but i'd think that he'd get a little confused with gender fluidity or something like that and historically that sort of thing wasn't not all that prominent, especially in England in the 1930s where racism was still a normal thing

- what he probably does is that anytime he sees that a man is like relatively attractive his brain auto-corrects into harsh criticism and sudden scorn for the person for like no reason to cope with his gay feelings

- so you already know he's a stubborn baby man

- he doesn't admit a lot of things, like that he thinks you look nice or that he's happy to see you because his pride gets in the way a lot of the time

- the only time he really does admit anything outwardly is behind closed doors when you're both probably in bed and relaxed, not really thinking of anything. you'd probably hear him say something along the lines of “im a lucky man” or “dont leave me like the rest of them did”

- yeah, his self confidence is extremely low. of course he knows that he's a damn good businessman and a great leader, but he has doubts more often than not that cause him to loose sight of himself

- usually he drinks when this sort of thing happens because he can't help but feel ashamed to admit his feeling. it's a coping mechanism that he uses for pretty much everything, really

- he can't talk about himself very openly, so you'll either have to sit down and drink with him or urge him to speak about what's on his mind because that shit ain't healthy in more ways than one. (you personally can probably think of a million different solutions, those just seem like the most likely)

- speaking of which, he doesn't sleep much either. he can function on barely any sleep at all, but the issue is that before having to get into bed with someone he probably ends up falling asleep at his desk or on a couch or something. he's not sure how the blanket got there while he was sleeping, but he appreciates it regardless

- tommy probably enjoys someone who's confident in themselves or at least carries and air of being confident. people that he's pretty sure could stomp him into oblivion are hot, he can't help it. of course he also likes people who are the quiet type of scary as well. he can't ever figure out what's going on in their head, and it creates a sense of comfort in ignorance but unease in it as well

- i will elaborate on his secret masochism in my nsfw headcanons that i might make later (maybe idk yet)

- his favorite thing to do in his past time is read, honestly. it's a good way to detach from business and a good way to spend time with someone

- he probably likes historical fiction the most. maybe horror too, but he likes all things history. especially if they're about the Great War because honestly he wants to point out the flaws in some of the accounts he was part of

- if it's fine with you he'd rather just read and sleep all day or maybe bake something together if you've got enough time

- he gets frustrated with things that waste his time though so you'll have to probably do it on your own while he grumbles and watches

- if you were any sort of lgbtq+, he'd be that much more protective of you. same goes if you're a woman because in his mind woman=weaker. it's not necessarily true, but he feels an obligation to be protective of a woman. you're probably much stronger than him or at least seem like it, so not unless you tell him to stop treating you like a piece of glass he'll keep an arm around you at all times. a man he'd probably feel less protective of honestly just because he respects pride and dignity, but that doesn't mean he doesn't let up on the protection

- man or woman or anything like that, once you mean something to him you're going to have his boys’ eyes on you everywhere. it's a dangerous life he leads, and while he doesn't really want you to be involved in it to the point of keeping you in constant danger, it can't really be helped. expect to be kept under close inspection within his area and slightly closer inspection out of it

- is very hesitant to let you become a part of business affairs. even being at the meetings makes you a witness, therefore if one of the lower members snitches you might be in danger if your name is spilled. it's very unlikely he'll try to get you into business affairs unless you're trained and well-educated in that sort of thing

- this includes accounting, contract knowledge, and maybe even basic law knowledge amongst other things

- he may want you to come along for business events like parties or something, but if you're after grace there's close to no chance that he's introducing you as his significant other or bringing you at all. if you do come along though, he may introduce you as a whore. if you're a dude though you'll just be a friend coming along with him

- speaking of which, he has really bad PTSD. from the multiple things that's have happened to lead him to the present, it's not unlikely that he'll wake up with frequent nightmares and be triggered by things such as loud noises that are too sudden or someone screaming because they're in pain or something like that. and after the whole grace incident combined with john’s death he's probably even more of a mess

- this of course leads him to drinking quite often. it's no time unlikely for him to get intoxicated nearly every day of the week, and often times he doesn't say a word about it during and after. in fact, now that he has you around he's even more adamant to not talk about it. but he can't really help but talk once he feels safe doing so

- what if you leave him? would you have doubts because he's mentally damaged? what would happen if you did leave? these questions cause anxiety obviously

- but tommy has always paid attention to the little things. for instance, if you see him drunk and happen to sit next to him quietly while talking about something that has nothing to do with it, he'll definitely remember it the next day. the fact that it takes his mind off of whatever he's mourning about is something he really appreciates because he knows he wouldn't be able to do it himself

- he's never been one to have loose lips, but when he's intoxicated he may or may not just spill to you right there. you could be saying something like “- and then she knocked him the fuck out. It wasn't weird to watch cause she-” and he’ll just look you dead in the eye and say “I thought about France again today.”

- it's very likely you'll hear about his past lovers more than once and honestly Tommy is hesitant to talk about it. he may be insensitive sometimes but he's not an idiot, so he knows it may make you uncomfortable

- just listening to him makes all the difference to him. he hasn't felt like someone cared about what he's had to say without being a Shelby for a long time, and you just caring enough to sit and hear what he says means more than any big success in the business or good news from some merchant overseas

- he, in turn, is very good at listening. in fact, he's so good at it that all of that skill got drained from giving advice cause he's horrible at that. his way of handling things isn't great so when he tells you to shoot the guy at work who’s been bothering you in the hand as a “warning”  to the others, don't do it cause

- ok now for random headcanons that are not deep and depressing

- probably likes animals, but honestly if he had to keep one in the house he'd prefer a cat just because they're less strenuous and take less effort to handle. while he's not working he'd like one of them curled up in his lap and purring as he keep some one hand on the pen and the other on it’s head. he'd probably name the cat “Mitten” or “Button” ok let's all be honest with ourselves

- lowkey loves to wear your sweaters or something like that. he'll definitely deny any claims suggesting so, but you know damn we'll he still stealing your clothes whenever he can, feminine or masculine. honestly just having it feel like you're around him all the time by simply wearing your clothes makes him feel really comfortable, especially if you're bigger than him or wear clothes that are bigger than him. it makes him feel safe

- probably also likes it when you in turn wear his clothes. he won't say it out loud but he likes it when he notices that his shirt is missing only to see you groggily fixing yourself coffee/tee/literally anything else in it at like 8AM in the kitchen

- likes the color blue a lot, but red looks really nice on people in formal clothes. if you show up in a red dress or suit or whatever he's definitely going to be fucking you on the table later and that's just the facts

- he gets jealous very easily but never says anything about it. you can tell because he suddenly gets about 10x clingier and literally holds you close to him at all times to make a point. may also stare down anyone that looks in your general direction for good measure

- he gives his s/o flowers all the time, whether he's in person or not. he likes to pamper you to the point where you look like a monarch, but like alfie he fully understands if you're more simplistic and prefer to stay low-profile cause he does too

- guns are sexy and if you can use one or any other weapon that's hot and that's all i'm gonna say about that

- physical appearance doesn't matter to him all that much, but his favorite part of the human body is probably the hands. he likes to see hands that have been through some shit, like scars on them and maybe a little dirt or something from work

- he's always been fascinated by writers and people who can create something from nothing. in fact that sortof imagination is always something's he’s envied and wanted for himself, but he's not hopeless at it. he's very good at making up stories and detecting flaws in plot or logic in the storyline. so if you ever need someone to proof-read for something you missed he's the guy to go to. also he knows publishers all over so if you're having trouble he can hook you up with someone to get your stuff known

- kindof emotionally closed off but he can't help but want to talk when you're around. you're inviting in more ways than one, so he eventually ends up spilling no matter what's wrong

- once it's been established that you're close, the whole family may or may not watch you closely for several weeks trying to figure out whether you're good enough or not. arthur will most likely watch you from afar and give you death glares as a warning and john will defenitely flirt with you to see if you're going to cheat on his brother. finn is probably going to try to make friends with you, but aunt polly will interrogate you because that's what she does. ada will try to get the most information on you from everywhere she can and so and so forth until they finally decide that if tommy picked you you can't be all that bad

- they warm up to you quickly, to put it simply, but tommy will most likely have to shoo them off

- in conclusion, tommy shelby isn't an easy lover, but it's worth the struggle at the end of the day. it's been a while since he's felt someone cared about him, and regardless of the circumstance you bet your ass that once he's grown fond of you there's little to no getting out of it by that point. you're his lifeline, his world, and he plans to grow old with you or at least keep you next to him until he withers away and dies

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

BTS after a breakup

Hyung Line

Part 3 of 3: Reconciliation

Alternate Title: Fucking Finally

Alternate Title 2: Plot Twist, Yoongi is S O F T for Reader

Alternate Title 3: We Finally Find Out Why Any Bitch Would Break Up with J-Hope (It’s Anti-Climatic)

Warnings: A little angst, mild smut (I had to stop myself because look that’s not what this series is about), cursing, alcohol as a coping mechanism, mental illness tw,teeth-rotting fluff (Ya’ll just wait til I write the Maknae line and finally reward Tae for putting up with reader’s dumbass), Soft Yoongi, sweet Namjoon, Jin being cute af, Hobi gets his sunshine back

@toothpresent​ Here you go!

Word Count: 4,666

Namjoon (RM)

Namjoon tries so hard not to reach out to you other than that once a week

But honestly, after all the media pictures of you out with Hyunwoo and your phone conversation, he feels ten times worse

It isn't as if he's necessarily territorial but something about you being on dates makes this all seem way too real

He can't sleep that night for imagining all kinds of scenarios in which you get a new boyfriend and he's forced to just watch

Finally he gets kinda pissed off

It isn't fair that you were able to just fuck off when he was on tour and barely even talk to him

Thing is you and Hyunwoo are absolutely just friends

He's just a super sweet guy you know and he saw you at the supermarket and thought you looked sad so he took you for coffee to cheer you up

Literally that's it he texts you sometimes but it's totally platonic

Namjoon is thinking the worst imagining you having wild sex all over the hotel room you had gotten after you moved out

You'd given Namjoon the room number bc he claimed to want to bring a box of your things over

He shows up empty handed, looking painfully cute in a hoodie and jeans

He's biting the inside of his cheeks and anxious so you let him in

"I lied, there's no stuff. I just needed to see you."

His eyes are so soft when he looks down at you

He hasn't seen you in person since you left and his eyes are shining and wet

He's standing so close to you that you can smell his cologne and it's making you feel some type of way

Namjoon, never at a loss for words, seems like he wants to say something but he's quiet for a moment

"Joon?" You finally say because he's just staring at you

"I don't want to do this anymore,” he blurts out.

Before you can respond he finds his words and you can't help but smile at him pacing around the hotel room

"I don't wanna pretend to be noble and know you're doing the right thing for you by leaving. I don't want to stand by and watch you move on. I don't want to be apart from you anymore." He stops pacing and looks down at you again.

You sigh. "Joonie, nothing has changed. Nothing is different."

“You’re right. Nothing is different. You’re gone and I’m still doing everything I was doing but it all seems to mean absolutely nothing. I can’t celebrate success when I’m at home drinking two bottles of wine with dinner because I can’t stand being in our house without you. I can’t feel happy about anything, Jagi.”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, and it’s true. You thought things would be better if you weren’t there to be needy and want more time with him. You thought if you weren’t fighting over petty things he’d be happier and you would too

But you just miss him

“And now you have some new boyfriend and I’m just supposed to be fine with it? I’m supposed to just live my life? I’m supposed to just casually scroll past articles about you moving on and just go to fucking work like I don’t feel like I’m underwater and my lungs are burning?”

He’s breathing hard and he’s taken a few steps toward you, crowding you

“I just thought it was the right thing to do, that we should just move on. You can do this without me, Joon. You’re strong.”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know I can do this without you? I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to do this without you, Jagi. I have been great about this. I have been a fucking saint, but I can’t sit there and just let you go without a fight.”

“So what do you want me to do, Joon?”

He sighs, exasperated. “It’s very simple. I just want you to come home.” 

“But what about-” 

He misunderstands what you’re about to say.

“I don’t even want to hear his name,” he growls, voice deep, eyes flashing. “I just want you to come home with me and we can forget any of this ever happened.”

You’re shaking your head. “That’s not what I want, Joon. If I were to come home, things would just go back to the way they were.”

He takes your shoulders in his hands, forcing you to look at him. “Jagi I promise you I will do absolutely everything I can to make things different. I’ll take more breaks, God knows I need them. I’ll fly you out with us when we’re on tour. I’ll buy you a fucking house in every city we go to if I have to.”

You look up at him, biting your lip, but you don’t speak.

He’s watching your mouth and when you don’t agree or disagree he makes a frustrated sound in his throat and leans down to kiss you

Namjoon talks a lot but at this point action is the only way he knows how to get his point across

His hands are all over you

He lies you down on the bed and makes love to you sweeter than he ever has before and when he moans in your ear instead of dirty talk it’s stuff like “I love you,” and “I missed you so much” and “you’re so beautiful” and “don’t ever leave me again, huh, Jagi?”

When it’s over you’re cuddled up with your head on his chest

“You know, Hyunwoo is just a friend. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Now you fucking do.” 

You can’t help but laugh.

“So is it cool if I still go out to lunch with him sometimes?” 

“I don’t know, Jagi. If I see another article with a headline like ‘RM’s Girl Snuggling up to Monsta X leader’ I might throw my laptop out a window.”

You laugh again and when you look at him and see his dimpled smile things seem brighter than they have in a long time

Jin

Jin is the most mess out of all four of the hyung line

After you said that mean shit to him outside the cafe at first he’s bent on revenge and he hangs out with every female friend he has where the reporters can snap pictures

He plans to be flirty and charming but he ends up just asking for advice about what to do about you

They actually give him lowkey good advice

Even the ones that are mad attracted to him (who isn’t) just listen and tell him what they think 

Everyone wants Jin happy lbr

He’s just a sad pouty puppy and everyone wants the smile back on his face

The headline that catches your eye is “BTS Jin Seen Being Comforted by Unknown Female” and it’s a picture of Jin in a ball cap and face mask with his head in his hands and a girl with her hand on his shoulder

You’re not jealous, just kind of proud that he doesn’t seem to be flirting or out to get revenge 

Jin sees it and groans

Even the reporters are against him (Jin, you idiot, they’re doing you a favor)

You still won’t talk to him, though, and he’s still watching your pictures on the media and you’re hanging out with Changkyun all the goddamn time and he’s sick of it

He wakes up one morning to see a pic of you on your snapchat from the night before at a club with Changkyun with his arms wrapped around your waist and you doing a kissy face at the camera

God he hates you sometimes but you’re so fucking cute

He’s just like. D O N E

He gets dressed, throwing on day old jeans and a white t-shirt and goes to your sister’s house

You hear him arguing with her as you come out of the bathroom

You were getting ready to go out but you haven’t had time to do your makeup yet before you hear his voice

Jin and your sister had been friends before you’d ever met him and he’s giving her hell about something

She had actually introduced you 

“Damnit, if you don’t let me in I swear I’ll tell your husband about that guy who gave you a lapdance the night before your wedding-”

“Jin, you wouldn’t-”

You peer around the corner and he’s got his phone out, eyebrows raised

Jin:

Your sister sighs deeply and lets him in

“Asshole.”

“Bitch,” Jin says fondly, and pats her shoulder as he walks past, looking for you

Your sister gives you a pleading look and you smile at her to let her know it’s okay

His face softens when he sees you, freshly washed and bare faced and you look so good his heart aches

“Hey,” you say, not really knowing what else to say

“Hey,” he says back, uncharacteristically bashful

You let him in the guest room and he sits down on the bed, fiddling with his fingers

“So...what’s up?” You ask, waiting patiently for him to say something

“Not much...I just...wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

“I feel like we said everything we needed to at the cafe, right?”

“I didn’t,” he protests, and he’s looking up at you with such a kicked puppy look that you can’t say anything cruel

“So? Spill.”

He takes a deep breath. “Look, y/n, I know things have been shitty lately.”

“Understatement.”

He nods in agreement. “And I...I was being an idiot when I called and accused you of seeing someone else.”

You nod. “Yeah. You were.”

He sets his jaw. “However, you are seeing him like every five minutes now, so I feel like I had a right to be worried.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “Maybe. So?”

He makes an irritated clicking sound in the back of his throat and stands up, coming toward you

“So, I want you back home,” he says simply, searching your eyes

“Why? So you can leave me on tour and flirt with a hundred girls while I sit around and wait for you?”

“No! No. Sure, I flirt, it’s who I am. You’re a bigger flirt than I am!”

He’s right, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it

“Thing is, though, I tried to go out and flirt to spite you.”

“Oh, real mature.”

He hums an agreement. “Well, you said some cruel shit, y/n. It hurt.” He placed a hand over his heart and you’d think he was trying to be funny but there really is hurt in his dark eyes

“So how’d the flirting go? Make any progress?” You can’t help the bitterness in your voice

He shakes his head. “Absolutely none. Know why?”

You shake your head.

“Because I’m heartbroken.”

You scoff. “Jin, it’s not the time to be funny.”

“I’m not being funny! There’s nothing funny about this. I keep trying to play it off but sweetheart, I’m a mess.” 

“You are?” You are hopeful, looking up and him, because God, you’ve been a mess too as much as you’ve managed to not look like it

“Huge mess. Huge. I’m just lying in bed all day fucking moping around. I’m not even wearing makeup lately all my fans are complaining.”

“No one is complaining, Jin.”

His lips perk up at one corner. “I know, I know. I was born this gorgeous.”

You roll your eyes but he’s getting closer to you and sliding his arm around your waist and God you missed this, your big handsome dork

“I’m sad. I’m sad all the time and I couldn’t even make bad jokes to charm my friends. My new nickname is ‘Sad Sack Hyung.’ It’s bad.

You laugh at him and he puts his hand on your face, smiling at you and he looks so soft

“God, I missed your laugh,” he says, peppering kisses on your jawline

You heave a deep sigh and your arms go around his neck slowly and he buries his face in your neck

“Can we be done with this? Can we just be done and go back home?”

You’re quiet for a moment.

“Maybe,” you say stubbornly and he hugs you tighter.

“Come on, Jagi. I’ll make food.”

“Bribing me with food?”

“It’s never steered me wrong before,” He’s murmuring against your neck and you are getting goosebumps

Your phone starts ringing on the dresser and you jump a little

You snake your hand out to look at it and Changkyun is calling since you’ve been going out for coffee once or twice a week

He just got cheated on by his long time girlfriend and you were really just drinking buddies, bitching about your exes

You’re all talk, you’re still crazy about Jin

Jin pulls away from you and frowns

“Don’t you dare answer it.”

You push him back and walk a few steps away, answering your phone and saying just a few short words to your friend

He knows instantly what’s going on after the cafe debacle 

Jin crosses his arms, pouty

He’s S A L T Y

You hang up and turn back to Jin. 

“So what are you going to make me?”

His face brightens a little but he doesn’t uncross his arms. “Was that him?”

“You’re cute when you’re jealous, you know.”

“I don’t get jealous. I’m just curious,” he grumbles

“Sure, sure.”

His eyes shoot to yours and he’s serious all of a sudden

“So like, we’re back together, right?’

You smile at him. “I guess so.”

“Okay. Delete his number. Right now. I wanna see you do it.”

You burst out laughing and he doesn’t think it’s funny

All the way back to the house you’ve shared for two years he’s bitchy and grumbling

He’s like madder and madder because you just keep laughing at him

When you walk in the door he kind of slams it open and you just walk past him, shaking your head and putting your things down

“I’m serious! I don’t want you seeing him anymore. I can’t deal with you hanging out with some guy you used to fuck, Jagi-”

You cut him off by throwing your arms around him and kissing him, hard, and he moans into your mouth and melts into you

He pulls away first. “Don’t distract me. I’m mad at you,” but he’s smirking at you

“I didn’t fuck anybody, dumbass. He’s just a friend.”

“What?” He’s incredulous. “You really made me think you were fucking someone else all this time? I wasted so much time freaking out! We really just could’ve been back together all this time?” He’s going on a whole rant and you’re just giggling at him

“I’m sorry. I thought you really were with that girl, and I just...I wanted to get you back. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurt.”

“You fucking succeeded,” he said, voice low, and you can tell he actually is mad

His arms are still loose around you and you drag your nails across his bare forearms and kiss his neck 

When he shivers you know he’s done for

You don’t quite make it to the bedroom upstairs and he fucks you midway up the stairs with your legs around his shoulders

It’s hot but it’s sweet he’s saying all the right things about how it’s only ever been you, you’re the love of his life

You’re both hangry by the time you get through and you end up ordering takeout and watching Netflix with your legs in his lap, him trailing his fingers up and down your thighs

It’s like it never happened, and sure you’re both insecure, jealous morons, but you’ll make it work

Yoongi (Suga)

Yoongi has a lot of pride and it’s tough for him to express how he feels to you

This is something you’ve always known and dealt with and you’ve been a fucking saint about it, in your opinion

So when he went full caveman mode at your friend’s house, you were d o n e

Not that it mattered, you knew he’d avoid you like the plague after an outburst like that

You were actually 100% dead wrong because like 4 hours later he’s blowing up your phone with text messages

At first it’s casual just like “hey”

When you don’t respond in five minutes it’s “you really dating that guy”

Then an hour later it’s “I’m sorry” and that’s when you know he’s probably super drunk

He’s not real big on apologies, your man

You hear your best friend cooing over Chanyeol’s swollen nose in the other room and you wince a little

This is a whole mess

But he’s texting you more than he has in like the last six months so you can’t help but respond

“where are you?”

“home. u coming?”

You don’t answer and when you knock on the door (which feels weird, since it’s been your house for like 2 years) he just yells for you to come in

He’s sitting in the dark on the couch like a psychopath

Like no lights on but the dim light of his laptop sitting by him on the couch

When you walk over warily he kind of jerks out and grabs your hand and pulls you down onto his lap and you let out a little scream 

“You’re not scared of me, are you, baby?” He asks against your neck, pulling you close to him, and his voice is low and miserable

You let yourself relax a little in his arms. He smells like beer and cigarettes but it’s still so familiar

“Of course not, Yoongi.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your throat, nuzzling you there, and he’s been so rarely affectionate in these past few months that you are shocked but grateful

You try to pull away to look at him but he won’t let you

“I’m just trying to talk to you, Yoongi, let me go.”

“No,” he says stubbornly, tightening his arms around your waist

You finally wriggle out of his grasp enough to pivot on his lap to see his face and he’s been crying and it makes you s o f t

You’ve always known that Yoongi loves you, he shows it with little actions and words but God knows you’re starving to know he cares in the last few months

You barely talked to him even when he was on tour, and you know that stress makes him distant but you were just aching for something just like this, just for him to give a shit after you left

He sniffs and jerks his chin up at you

“Did I break his nose?” he asks, voice petty 

You take in a deep breath. “No, but it was a near thing. You’re such a jerk.”

He shrugs. “I am sorry about the flowers.”

“Yeah, me too, they were a bitch to clean up.” 

“I mean, I’m sorry about the note.”

“You mean, calling me a brat?” 

He frowned. “No. You are a brat.” 

You hit his shoulder with the heel of your hand

“I just mean it didn’t say what I really meant.”

“Which is?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Yoongi, if you don’t, I’m gonna walk out of here.”

He takes in a deep breath and hugs you tighter to him, resting his chin on your shoulder

“You’re a brat but I want you to be my brat.” 

“Oh yeah?” Your voice is soft. You’re soft for him, you can’t help it

He nods against your shoulder, chuckling when you squeal because it tickles

“I guess I like you.”

“Lots of people like me. Chanyeol likes me,” you tease, and you squeal again when he growls and bites your shoulder gently

“I’m in love with you, brat.”

You:

He says “I love you” all the time but for some reason the “in love” thing just really gets you in your feelings

You’re quiet for a moment, being emo

“So are you coming back home, now?”

When you don’t answer right away he hugs you tighter

“Please?”

You:

You twist your head around to kiss him and when you pull away he’s all smiles

“We can get my stuff from y/bf/n’s later. You can apologize to poor Chanyeol.”

He scoffs. “Why would he be there? Waiting around on you?”

“No, you moron, because he’s her boyfriend. He fucking lives there.”

You laugh at the look on his face and he scrunches his nose at you flips you onto your back on the couch, touching his nose to yours

“You really are a brat for not just telling me that!”

You shrug. “Maybe you deserved it.”

“I almost had a heart attack worried about you with someone else. You’re a jerk. I don’t like you anymore.” He’s grumbling but he’s still smiling, giving you eskimo kisses, and you L O V E it

“Yeah, but you’re in love with me.” You’re grinning ear to ear.

“Yeah, whatever, brat.”

He kisses you senseless for hours, just making out and for the next few days he’s never not touching you, even holding your hand while he works on his laptop or rubbing your thigh when he’s eating dinner

He’s a grumpy jerk sometimes but you’re so fucking in love with him and now that you’re sure he feels the same way even though you’re an annoying brat life might just be perfect

Hoseok (J-Hope)

You come to him, because he’s given you time and space and you feel like he at least deserves an explanation

It’s been a full week since you’ve left

When he hears the key in the door he’s like a puppy, bouncing around as you come in the door, and before you can put your luggage down his arms are tight around you

Visual representation of Hobi as you come in:

You can't help but smile

He can almost always make you smile

“Baby, my bags-” you choke out, arms shaking at holding all your stuff because he’s got his arms under your elbows, hugging you

“Oh! I’m sorry, sunshine!” He takes your bags and throws them down unceremoniously

He’s grinning a mile wide

“You’re home!”

You smile weakly. “I was hoping it’d be okay if I could stay here for a little while.”

His face falls. “Sunshine, this is your home. Our home.”

You fiddle with the plastic bracelet on your wrist and Hobi’s not normally super observant but he notices. He grabs your wrist and gives you a confused look

“Sunshine, are you sick? What is going on? Will you please talk to me?” 

He’s talking so fast, rapid fire questions, and you feel a little overwhelmed

“Can we sit down?”

He ushers you to the couch, hovering over you as if he wants to touch you but isn’t sure if he should

You sit down and he’s looking at you, worried and expectant

“I’ve been having some...issues lately.”

“Jin told me that you called him about it. Why didn’t you tell me, sunshine?”

You sniffle, tears burning at the back of you eyes

“I was just...I was so sad all the time. For no reason. Of course I missed you, but that was nothing new. I always miss you when you’re away. I went to see someone...I had kind of a...breakdown.”

“Sunshine-” His voice is so soft, in a whisper, brows furrowed

“I was diagnosed with bipolar depression. I was...suicidal. I had all these thoughts, these horrible thoughts about how you’d be better off without me, everyone would, I was just a burden and bringing you down.”

He’s shaking his head vigorously but for once, he’s speechless.

“I stayed for a week and got the right meds. I know that a chronic illness is something that’s really hard to deal with, and I just don’t want to burden you with that. I know how important your music is to you and I just...I wanted to leave before things got bad.”

You’re crying in earnest now and he slides closer to you, gently taking your hand and you look at him. Tears are streaking down his cheeks

“Sunshine....I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave like that I just...I couldn’t tell you.”

“I’m just so sorry that you felt you couldn’t tell me that. I must be the world’s worst boyfriend for you to be suffering so much...” He’s crying so hard that he’s shaking and you squeeze his hand.

“You’re so perfect, baby. Just so happy and perky and I knew that this would be so hard for you. I just want you to be happy and I know that I can’t do that for you anymore. I couldn’t tell you how weak I was.”

“Weak?” He looks almost mad. “Weak? You’re the strongest person I know. You light up everything. Everything. You were suffering so much and you managed to keep it together, to get yourself help - that’s the strongest thing I can think of.”

“I just couldn’t imagine that you’d want me like this.”

He is mad, now, you can see it spread all over his face and he takes your cheeks in his and forces you to look right at him

“Sunshine I’d want you anyway I could have you, but this only makes me want you more. I am so sorry that you’ve had to do this alone and I swear to you that if you let me, I’ll do better. I’ll be here for you. I���ll take more breaks and I’ll call you every single day. I’ll make you trust me.”

Your heart is so full you think you might die

He is perfect, he calls you sunshine but really he’s yours, he’s lighting up all the dark parts of you now that you’re not hiding them from him

You jump at him, straddling his hips and hugging him as tight as you can

“I do trust you, baby. I love you so much and I’m so sorry I’m like this.”

“Don’t you dare apologize,” he breathes into you neck. “You did what you needed to do and I promise to spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

You cry for a while, huddled in his arms and he just hums against your neck, soothing you by stroking your hair, and when you pull away you’re smiling

“I missed your smile, sunshine,” he says, and you kiss him and kiss him and kiss him until your lips are swollen

You spend all night talking and he touches you so gently, almost reverently

Things are hard for a while, he treats you like fine china, like you might fall apart at any second

He doesn’t even ask you about Jackson but he gets this anxious look in his eye when Jackson calls or texts you

You notice and explain to him that nothing is going on

He tells you it’s not like he’s jealous, he just feels awful that you had to turn to someone that wasn’t him during a hard time

You prove to him that was your decision and your insecurities, and after time, he doesn’t even blink when you say you’re going out to lunch with your ex 

He keeps his word and talks to you every day, even when he’s thousands of miles away

You call him when you’re having a bad day, break down and cry and tell him all the awful things you’re thinking

He listens to you, soothes you, distracts you by asking you to help him with song lyrics

He writes a song called “Sunshine” and never releases it, only does it for you, sends you a video of it when he thinks you might feel down

He’s absolutely perfect

He’s everything you need and he accepts you, flaws and all, and you’re the luckiest girl in the world

[pygmeys]

Hey so this is kinda important

i woke up today to see that a poem/rant i had written a few years ago had resurfaced and was getting notes again. the rant was about all the shitty complicated feelings surrounding my at the time ongoing struggle with eating disorders. and, as it has happened before, it making rounds again caused a surge of new followers on my blog. i wont say these people are proana or thinspo blogs because i dont think they all are, however by glancing at their blogs its easy to tell that eating disorders and other mentall issues are a common thread among them.

i wrote this rant when i was 19. im 22 now and although i wouldn't say im fully recovered from the things i experienced (can any of us truly recover from something like that in this hell of a society?) i am doing much much better. ive dedicated myself to healing for about 4 years now and its not always great but i can say i am doing good, i even manage to feel hot and pretty sometimes, fat and all. but it is very hard and complicated, even now i can hardly go through a meal without second guessing myself, so i understand what its like to be in that place mentally and i really dont judge anyone for holding on to whatever coping mechanisms they can find out there.

that said i do think proana and thinspo groups are horribly unhealthy. and youre not an idiot, you also probably know how harmful it is in the long run to seek out communities made up of a neverending stream of self hate. and i do get it, but you need to stop. so if you wanna take some advice from someone whos been through it here it is: when you are very hurt and alone it is comforting to surround yourself with more pain, its an instant form of validation that can be so hard to find in a world thats so harsh at times and that probably has been very harsh to you. but by doing this you are only trapping yourself in a cycle where it feels like hurting is the only real thing you can get yourself to feel. being cruel to yourself can become so satisfying when you think that it makes you the one in control, because at least then you are the one delivering the blow. but the truth is that it just makes you loose sight of all the other options that are available to you. eating disorders and other mental issues twist your perception so much, its unreal. the truth is that absurd as it sounds, a better, healthier, happier way of living is within your reach. recovery is so hard, specially at first and relapses are inevitable but once you start realizing that you can actually heal and improve yourself, your world really starts opening up for the better.

if any of these new followers of mine have read through this without getting upset at me and want to know what i reccomend doing next here it is:

find therapy, any kind of therapy, and if you feel like its not working or that youre being hurt/judged by it, find another form of therapy. for me personally what really did it was going to a nutritionist that focused on helping people out of eating disorders through healthy eating habits.

unfollow people and tags that post triggering or upsetting content, start following whatever makes you truly happy, fandoms, cute animals, positivity blogs, yoga, meditation, etc.

it wont always work but try countering whatever negative thoughts and words come out of your head. tell yourself as much as you can that theres good and worth and kindness in you. you might not always believe it but its a good start.

find out ways in which other people can help you and explicitly ask them to do that for you. try not getting upset if this doesnt work with everyone all the time, but the people who love you will try to do whats in their capabilities to help you out.

thats all i can think of right now. for some other things you can look up the positivity and recovery tags in my blog. i know im just some idiot on the internet and you really dont have to listen to me, but hopefully some of the helps out. as for me, you can reach out if you need some help or advice finding resources, but the truth is that im not qualified to be anyones therapist, eating disorders are still a sensitive and triggering subject to me, and i also need to take care of myself.

[tarithenurse]

Agent of Hope - 27

Your world falls into ruin together with the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcements Logistics Division when you find out that your boyfriend isn’t one of the good guys. Pairing: Brock Rumlow x fem!reader, Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader Contents: Errors (trying to stay awake to switch to night shifts), pain, detailed violence, quite nasty hints, angst, fluff, sadness, basically everything horrible you can imagine. A/N: You’ll find the previous chapters through my masterlist. Lots of love for liking and reblogging!!

27 - Kick Ass and chew Bubble Gum

It’s a tension at the back of your knees. It’s muscles itching to work overtime – fight or flight. It’s a sour taste at the back of your mouth at the point where no amount of water can wash it away. Still it doesn’t matter because what you’re doing, your mission of sorts, is going to be worth everything.

It’s taken much too long to get to this point where your walking up the dusty lane towards an inconspicuous house in the outskirt of…where’s this again? Somewhere in Sierra Leone. You had known, memorized the town’s name as well as anything else. Memorized the plan. Now, however, it’s replaced by a memory of something that hasn’t even happened yet, making your skin crawl as cold shivers run down the spine. Red sand clings to the boots (much too warm for the temperature). Like blood.

“Something nice…” you mumble, grasping at a flicker spark of joy before it’s swallowed, “…something nice…”

Red like fiery hair. And suddenly, it’s possible to recognize the blue of the sky in the teasing sparkle of a pair of grey eyes capable of looking into your very soul, making you feel safe and at home. The churning lead in your guts lessens. Now you can let the shoulders sink and even look up towards the goal: a heavy door painted green behind which Rumlow waits.

 …   Rumlow   …

Every single note and stick-figure drawing Brock has received from [Y/N] is kept in a tin as evidence. At first her replies had been brief, hesitant in the wording and quite confrontational…but that was to be expected. She has still to admit her feelings for him, but it’s obvious as the communication extends how she recognizes the true nature of the Avengers. Why spend resources on catching someone, when they are willing to come on their own.

Brock isn’t a fool. Far from. There’s always the risk of a double-cross, his own plan mirrored to out him or more of Hydra. And regardless of the reasoning for [Y/N] to come today, she will have to be processed and vetted before he will allow himself to trust her. But it will be much easier this time.

Watching the screen, the ex boyfriend sees the hesitation melt away from the figure to be replaced with resolution. Come to me, baby. All the other screens show…nothing. No, would-be heroes. No pesky Mister Rogers with a shield and the American flag so far up his ass that he can’t relax. No red-head traitor. All alone? It’s hard to believe, so Brock doesn’t, flicking a switch instead that light a tiny, orange diode in the two free-rooms, as the team have started calling the scan-blocking basement sections. On your marks.

There’s a muted sound of footsteps outside preceding the knocking on the door. Twice, a pause, and once. Good girl.

He’s smiling as he unlocks and pulls the door aside just a crack to see the nervousness on [Y/N]’s face, but it’s not enough to drown the stubborn set of the jaw or the air of…excitement? Eager to come home?

“What’s a girl like ya doin’ in a place like this…?” Such a cliché, but it rolls off Brock’s tongue with a neat drawl.

The hint of an eyeroll also hints at times passed. “Girl’s just wanna have fun. Nice decoy to free me up from ‘em.”

Them. Not Natasha or Steve or whatever. “Only the best for ya, as always.” She has said the password but hesitates to enter when Brock opens the door fully. “C’m’on in, babe.”

“How long we got?”

“They’re smart, but th’ain’t that smart…I’ll guess an hour.” There’s a tickle of something he can’t place in the woman’s smile. “The cool air’s escaping, get it.”

Like in a dream, she really does step over the threshold, carefully keeping a bit of distance between them. I should’ve expected that. It still gnaws inside Brock, tugs at the side of him that needs the bitch to understand, to accept her place. But he bites it back. All the anger and possessiveness is shoved deep down somewhere dark because he knows he’ll bring her to her senses. Soon.

Brock casts a brief glance to a screen out of the girl’s view showing a mix of live feeds from local and global news stations, a few of them covering the draught and the lack of safe drinking water while the majority heralds the wedding of some celebrity. No breaking news. It’s not typical of the Avengers to work quietly, especially not if the glorified tin can is flying around blasting rock music. Well…at least one of those idiots has style. Haven’t they taken the bait?

“All alone?” There’s an air of something studied mixing with the playful tone. “I’d half begun to think I was –“

“Shut up.” Thankfully, [Y/N] does as told, body ripe with fear to the point where he almost can smell it. “Why’re ya here? Really?”

“Really?” Perfect confusion. Innocence. “’Cause we’re not over yet, Brock.”

Something beeps from the console of screens and the hydra agent is about to turn to see what has caused the alarm to go off when [Y/N] reaches for him. Such a simple gesture, still it sparks an old habit in the man and he takes the hand in his for a long second – one he would wish could last forever. But he has to let go, hand slightly sticky from her sweaty touch. Another alarm begins, and he can hear the sound of the agents in the free-rooms banging on the doors though an oceans rush in his head. The world sways, unfocused. What the fuck? Oh, yeah, there comes the sea sickness even if he hasn’t felt it since he was a kid.

“You know,” [Y/N] softly whispers from far away into his ear, “when I said we’re not over…” She has a stronger grip than expect on his arm and shoulder, somehow forcing him on his knees. “I should’ve said I’m not done with you, Rumlow.”

The world might be reduced to a stormy sea, but he can still feel the nauseating pain as the shoulder dislocates. I’ve had…worse. That much is true. It’s not even the pain, really, making him sick to the stomach, rather the knowledge of what [Y/N] wants to get even for.

“[Y/N],” he slurs, the tongue too thick in the mouth, “I-I-I…lllo’ ya…” That lands his face pressed onto the dirty floor at an uncomfortable angle. She’s…holding my ass…

“No, Rumlow, you don’t love.” There’s a sound of metal against metal. “Let me demonstrate what you do.”

 …   Romanoff   …

“Damn, sweetie…”

Even Nat is impressed, and slightly grossed out, at the creativity her girlfriend has shown. So much so, she almost feels sorry for Rumlow who’s passed out on the floor in a sticky pool of almost every bodily liquid of his own. Well if almost means not at all.

Sam had taken one look and then gone outside to hurl, and even Thor looks shocked. “My lady, your enemies will surely know not to stir your wrath from this day forth.”

“My track record with coping mechanisms isn’t great…so…” Tony can’t look at it either, but at least he hasn’t lost the bad humour. “Let me know if’t works, ‘kay?”

“Oh, it feels very…cathartic…” [Y/N] looks at the guy with a distanced calmed.

Too calm. Cathartic or not, this will undoubtedly have consequences both legally and emotionally for Rumlow’s former prisoner. None of it can be explained away as self defense. It can’t be by the time the person is face down, ass up, and the metal sheathed where the sun don’t shine.

“I’m gonna take her to the quinjet, you guys stabilize him and see if he can talk…ever…”

And so Natasha leaves the men behind, steering a dazed woman by the arm across the uneven terrain through a patch of dried out shrubs behind which the plane is waiting.

Once onboard, she observes the mechanic reactions as [Y/N] complies with every order without uttering a single word. Come back to me, baby. The former assassin can only hope that the words reach far enough, somehow breaking through the shell her girlfriend’s mind has build in record time to prevent any of the grotesque happenings from settling. Eventually the good advice of reason are spent, leaving nothing behind but an insufferable ache.

You were doing so well, why did I let you go? “I’m sorry, love,” Nat whispers hoarsely, fingers stroking the blank face, “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have been here. It’s my fault, please come back. You can get through this too, alright?”

On and on, the pleas dripple out similar to a hushed prayer that knows no end. The tears falling aren’t [Y/N]’s this time because for once Natasha can’t be the strong one. Kneeling before [Y/N], she wraps her arms around the living statue’s waist and buries the face in the heat of the soft breasts where she can hear the heartbeat. Slow and steady as opposed to Nat’s own that beats so frantically, she couldn’t hold her hands still if she tried.

Some things change the very foundation of a person.

In the Red Room, the girls were taught not to show mercy, to follow orders unblinkingly even if it meant the death of an other. Though the first fatalities weren’t at the students’ own hands, they knew what the consequences were once they forced another child to give up or be flunked. The changed had already started. By the time a girl graduated, became an adult though never a woman, the transformation was completed. It was expected. A flinch. A faint taste of regret in the dark of night. Nothing more.

Outside the Red Room, for people growing up in normal lives, only a low percentage of people are prepared for the Graduation, and most of those never have to complete the change themselves. For the lucky ones, violence and unnatural death will not become a habit of theirs.

[Y/N] had been one of the lucky ones until the day Hydra captured her, placing her at the mercy of Rumlow. Her change had been forced upon her, nearly killing her in the process. Perhaps Natasha, the team, even the victim herself had been fools for thinking she would be alright and the metamorphosis never would be complete. My fault. Today had been Graduation, and the ex-Russian brought the student to the test.

“Shhh,” gentle and soothing against red hair, “It’s okay, Tash, I’m here…it’ll be okay.” Gentle fingers cart through the fiery strands, nails scraping against the scalp in a calm rhythm. “I know what I did…I’ll never do it again.”

They’re both crying as they lock gazes.

“Do you know that?” Be honest. “Have you seen it?”

“This is the first time you ask me what I’ve seen.” The smile is gentle and almost reaches the [Y/E/C] eyes. “I have to continue therapy, but yeah…never again.” Soft lips kiss the salty water away from the upturned face. “I’m all yours now.”

 …   Reader   …

Of course the clock isn’t ticking. After ages of therapy, you should be used to that…instead it makes the silence way heavier than strictly necessary. Or maybe it’s because this session is so important? Double session, actually. Pinching your brows, you manage to divert the attention from the missing tick-tock to the bit of dirt under a nail as you wait for the team consisting of a psychiatrist and a psychologist to ask the question they want to. It’s silly really. Anyone can rehearse an answer fitting with the “need”.

“So, how are you feeling, [Y/N]?” one of them final begins, glasses dangling from between to fingers and a pen in the other hand.

You take a moment, do a mini body scan. “Right now I’m nervous…” They both nod at your answer. “Generally speaking…pretty good. Still get the odd nightmare where it’s like I’m back.”

“Back?”

“M-hm.”

They want you to define the term, but it’s fun to see them try to be correct and direct at the same time. “To when Rumlow first held you against your will or…?”

“Or when I took revenge? Both.” You give them time to scribble ferociously before continuing, “I don’t think there’s some specific reason it’s one situation instead of the other…not always at least. And the technique to guide myself away from the nightmare is beginning to work a bit.”

The glasses are pulled down again, so the Psychologist can look at you directly. “Is there a difference in the intensity?”

“No. Both…events were horrible. For different reasons, sure, but horrible. What I did…” Both doctors hold their breaths as you ponder your words. “There’s an explanation for it…but no excuse. I know that.”

With all the nodding they’re doing, it seems only fair if they get a kink in the neck eventually. Sometimes the bobble-heads ask more questions, about the house arrest in the tower or your relationship with the Avengers. They never once get into specific about Natasha and you, although it’s there like some elephant in the room. Even professionals can have issues.

By the time the two hours are up, you’ve got them smiling genuinely. Perhaps, maybe, if you’re lucky…will they clear you?

…

“Who sends letters nowadays?” Tony scoffs, dumping a big, brown envelope on the newspaper you’re reading.

Justice Department! It’s damn near impossible to tear open the thick paper because your hands a shaking so much, and when you finally do, the words barely make any sense, so you don’t protest when the genius billionaire snags it out of your hands.

It feels like forever, longer than the months you’ve waited to hear what the psychiatrist’s and psychologist’s decision is, before Tony finally looks up. “Jarvis!”

“Yes, sir.”

You can’t read his face, allowing the nerves to run amok. “Call the team, Pepper, and Happy.”

“May I inquire as to the occasion?”

“Yeah.” Finally, his face splits into a huge smile. “We’re gonna celebrate.”

[insanityclause]

A story from Southwest Review

It’s quite long so I don’t know if you can post - but I think you’ll like it:

Tom Hiddleston and the Puerto Rican Widow

Milán, Tony Báez.Southwest Review; Dallas Vol. 103, Iss. 4,  (2018): 351.

She’s four foot eight and the world wants to rule her with its ways, putting all of its weight on her, but sometimes she strikes right back with her tiny iron fist, in her own ways.

She’s been through a lot. The loss of her parents, albeit both at ripe old ages. The loss of her husband, seventy years old but who by looking at him seemed to be in the prime of his life. A terrifying hurricane, named after her. She’s been through her share of those, but this one, she says, you have never seen anything like this one and she hopes she never does again. She says on occasion that she only believes in electricity because she sees the lights are on. That entire ordeal she spent praying with others, praying hard. Never seen anything like it. Nunca, she says. In this case, it took three months for her to believe in electricity again.

Don’t get me wrong. She has a relatively comfortable life. She went to college and did her time as a professional in the Puerto Rico Department of Labor. Her husband was a truck driver for Nabisco for about thirty years and made some great moves, although he could have had some beachfront property if not for her and her tiny iron fist. Oh, he usually did his thing, but in this case he, too, obeyed. And no beachfront property.

Her daughter, who works different shifts at a hospital, moved in with her after a long stint in New Jersey. They get along and they fight, but she’s not alone in that way. She has a merchant marine son in Florida and another one who’s a music teacher nearby, and grandchildren near and far, who come to visit or who talk to her when they can, and she’s happy to see them and to hear from them.

I used to have long, long conversations with her, weekdays after coming home from high school, in the kitchen as she cooked. I can still smell the chicken fricassee and the sopón and even the corned beef, which, incredibly, I have come to miss-explain that one. But I am the farthest away now. The conversations are still long and involved but they take place over the phone now.

Still, she has to cope. She says that she hated it, becoming a senior citizen, listening to advertising on the radio, on television, ads directed at her when at first she didn’t realize that they were directed at her. When she first realized it, she didn’t like it. She really didn’t like it at all. She couldn’t believe, when

she matched her age to the ages they were talking about, that she fit in the category. But that was in the beginning. Now she says that she has gotten used to it and will take it for all it’s worth. She takes the discounts and she cuts in line. Anybody has a problem with it, they can take her senior citizen attitude and deal with it. She’s earned it. Give her what’s hers, get out of the way, and don’t give her no lip.

She has to pass the time, and she does what she can. She can be reclusive, but she still drives. She’ll go to Walmart. She sews and she has done a few paintings. She reads the newspapers from front page to back, except for the sports, I’m guessing. She can read the papers for hours at a time, and does-sometimes the entire morning or the whole afternoon. She listens to the radio, a lot of politics and gossip. She turns on the radio and listens to the fools bickering, sometimes an entire morning or the whole afternoon. She watches television and now she talks back to it, to the people being stupid inside of it, in their own lives, I’ve seen it, once when I was visiting, that she talks to the television and to the people there, almost as if they can hear her but they won’t take her advice, the fools, the idiots, listen to me, she says, leave him, she tells them, don’t let him treat you that way, she tells them, don’t do that to your life, she says, whatever it may be, whatever people may be going through, pick the thing that is ruining their lives, and she has advice for all of them and she tells them through the television screen but they don’t ever listen. Sometimes they really should. If only they could. She keeps telling them, I know it.

And she watches movies.

My mother loves movies the same way that I love movies. She used to go to the movie theaters very often, when we were all a lot younger, and then often, with her husband, but then, after, she very rarely goes and so she watches her movies on the television. She still enjoys movies very much, especially crime movies, and we discuss them, voices on the phone, as often as we can. She has questions about endings, hates it when the endings are not black and white, clear like Hitchcock’s, hates it when they get too cute, when they don’t just wrap things up like she knows they should.

Did he die or didn’t he?

Did they stay together or didn’t they?

Why didn’t they show him dead or alive, then?

Why didn’t they just kiss, then?

She doesn’t like that. She doesn’t like that at all. Sometimes, I start to explain, filmmakers want to-

Whatever, she says. Why don’t they just finish it so that it’s clear?!

Tienes razón. You’re right. She’s right, and why shouldn’t she be? She loves movies and she’s the audience.

This new thing, though, and it’s been going on for months, was brought on by a miniseries. I’m always saying that I don’t have the time and so I don’t watch, but this here miniseries I had to find the time to sit down and watch all six episodes with my wife. My mother made me. On account of the muchacho-the leading man.

One night on the phone she says that she had started to watch this thing. Happenstance.

The Night Manager, she says. The muchacho is an actor by the name of Tom Jí-dels-ton.

Name of Tom Hiddleston.

Ay, qué hombre, she says. What a man, this Tom Hiddleston.

I know who he is, I say. British, such and such, this and that. He’s good, he’s real good.

Pero qué hombre, she says.

Sí, I know who he is, good actor. Seen him in some things, like him, so what about … ?

Tom Hi-ddles-ton, she says, picking up on the pronunciation, trying to perfect it. Like she’s perfecting his name, in her mind, in her lips.

Hiddles-ton, she says.

Yes, I know. He-

Well, she says, he’s the night manager.

The way she says night manager …

That’s him, she says. He’s the night manager in this miniseries that I started to watch, he’s the muchacho.

I’m about to say something else but by this point I finally realize that this is not the usual involved but casual conversation about movies or any of their related subjects, that this is involved but doesn’t sound casual. It sounds … it sounds … It’s like something that maybe a son doesn’t want to hear his mother talking about but I sense that it’s too late, that she’s enthralled somehow, and I won’t hang up, it’s my mother, and maybe I want to hang up but it’s my mother, and her voice comes up here through the phone again and except for my occasional interruption it’s almost all her from there.

Bueno, she says, this Mr. Tom Hiddleston is not like any of the others. Well, he is and he isn’t. He’s not a doll like Rock Hudson. That was an incredible looking man, Rock Hudson. Tom Hiddleston is not good looking in that way, not a perfect mold of a man, but there is something …

Paul Newman, I say. I once wrote a poem about Paul Newman’s eyes on account of her. So she’s been infatuated before but I don’t want to think about it too much.

Oh, sí, Paul Newman. Those eyes. Tan azules. So blue. It’s a shame artists should have to get old. It’s not fair, she says.

Huh.

But … Tom Hiddleston’s eyes are not like that, they’re not so … but, the thing is, they are … they are … he is … ay … no sé …

Struggling for words? My mother? A son doesn’t want to hear any more sometimes, but the conversations have always been long and honest and fairly unbridled and I remember that it’s mostly all her and I won’t hang up. This Mr. Hiddleston is not like the others.

No, she says, not like Rock Hudson or Paul Newman. He’s good looking, very good looking, but just different. Sometimes, she says, I think his face might be a little different looking, maybe it’s the British in him, but then again I just look at him in this miniseries and I just can’t stop looking at him. You have to watch this miniseries.

I don’t have the time.

He’s so … You can just tell he’s a nice man. The way he looks, the way he looks at people, the way he shows concern for this woman he’s involved with, and he’s trying to help her. You have to watch it. The way he …

Please don’t say the way he looks at me. She doesn’t. She continues for a little longer and I have to go and we hang up but the next time we talk the thread of her infatuation is picked up again, I pick it up as she unspools it and I wrap it up into a knot and then into a ball on this side of the line, wondering what to do with it, just holding it in my brain, as if I could hold it with my hands, my ears wide open, my mouth half-open, saying things, agreeing with her, listening, but also giving her information, which feels like fanning the flames.

He’s done other things, I say.

¿Ah, sí?

Sí. He’s Loki in that Thor movie.

The superhéroe movie?

Right.

Which one is Loki?

El malo. The bad guy.

Oh.

He has long hair in that one.

Haven’t seen it. Don’t much care for superhéroes. But I’ll check it out now.

If I find a cheap DVD, I’ll send it to you. And then I tell her that as I find some of his other movies I’ll be sure to send them to her. Plays a vampire in one. Plays F. Scott Fitzgerald. Gets it on with his own sister and ends up as a ghost in another-del Toro movie.

¡Fantástico! she says.

This goes on for days, every time I talk to her, and then for weeks and now for months. Every time I call, it seems that she has either just finished the miniseries again or that she is again in the middle of it, episode three, or four … Seven times, she says at some point, then nine times, then she loses count and I stop asking, or I stop asking because she loses count, I don’t know what that man has done to me, is doing to me, she keeps saying, can’t stop looking at him. Vieja pero no pendeja. Old but not stupid-kind of. I still have good taste, she says.

He’s been dating a very famous singer, I inform her. I tell her who it is and she doesn’t know her and she has my sister look her up on the internet. My mother takes a look and says that the young woman has good taste.

I say, Wait till you see him in uniform, in a Spielberg movie, the one about the horse. I tell her that I didn’t recognize him at first and warn her that he comes to a bad end but that I thought he was great.

Send it, send it!

I’ll find it on DVD. Wait until you see him in uniform.

Ay, sí, mijo.

There’s an old photograph of my father in uniform hanging on a wall in their house and I wonder what he would have thought about all of this, being that he was the jealous type. Then again, there was a time when, in his old age, he really took to telenovelas. My mother says that when they came on, the ones that he was really into, you couldn’t bother him for anything, that it was like someone was going to give him a test after each episode, that he was always there and right on time and it was like he was hypnotized. Some of those women in those telenovelas are gorgeous, and God only knows what this old fool’s thinking about, she would say. Maybe she thinks of that and figures it’s her turn, or I figure it’s her turn. I wonder what he would say …

Mr. Hiddleston is in the new King Kong movie, I say, trying to stay on the subject but trying to change my own train of thought.

Oh, but the muchacho in that one is King Kong, she says.

Yes, but it looks like Hiddleston is playing it very macho, a lot of action.

I’ll see it.

And he also plays Hank Williams in another film. I have to explain who Hank Williams is.

He must have a beautiful singing voice, she says, and by he of course she means Hiddleston. This guy can do no wrong.

To finally change the subject while at the same time trying to stay on the same subject, I mention Tom Hardy and she knows who he is, really liked him in that movie The Drop. She says, He looked muy zángano in that movie, I didn’t get it at first, but then I realized that was the way he wanted to play it, because in the end he’s really not dumb at all, that must have been exactly what he wanted to do, what a portrayal, tremendo actor, great actor. And then she says, But he’s not Tom.

Tom really must have a beautiful singing voice, she says, coming back to him after a while, and it’s like she’s talking to herself. Over here, I stare at the phone for a moment and I’m sure my mouth is open and the jaw is just hanging there. A matter of time until I start referring to him as Tom, too.

I saw him in this fantasy-ish movie, a kinda strange …

That’s not my thing, she says, that ciencia ficción, with all those aviones flying around.

There are no planes flying around in this one, really, and then I tell her, and I don’t know why, talk about fanning the flames, that they show him naked, everything but the pipí.

It doesn’t take her a second-¡Pues échala pa acá! Send it over, then! she says.

But it takes three months for her to believe in electricity again and when it finally happens the first thing she does is start the miniseries again, to get her fix of Tom. I keep trying to find some more of his things, even the Shakespeare stuff from England, but I must admit I’m taking it slow, maybe for fear that they will see my mother even less, or anymore, as she has become more reclusive than usual.

And I guess, with me, a sort of resignation has set in. I wonder if it’s natural. Tom comes up in conversation just about as often as family members do. I suspect he’s become a constant presence in her life. Not a dominating, forceful entity. More like a benevolent being somewhere out there, completely outside of my mother’s world and yet intertwined perfectly with her current existence. A son might hate to admit this, a thing that Freud or Jung may have a thing or two to say about, and that I would hate to think would have my father turning in his grave, or maybe not, for he, also, is a benevolent being: Tom has been good for my mother, has been good to my mother. An artist who, through his craft and image, with his ethereal presence, makes the relatively comfortable yet difficult life of a septuagenarian Puerto Rican widow more passable. That’s got to be all good.

A son can’t be, or shouldn’t be, jealous of that. N or should he feel guilty for being an enabler.

A departed husband could be, but maybe shouldn’t be, jealous of that, even if he was the jealous type. But he was his own man and he can decide later on, or not decide at all, even if only in my conscience, how he feels about it.

And-and I don’t see it coming yet-there is always the possibility of a kind of divorce for these two, for my mother and Tom. She sure loves movies and she watches a lot of them, and someone else might come along. Not that I wish that. Whatever or whoever makes my mother pass the time more pleasantly in this son of a bitch of a world, and this is an optimist saying that here, I’m all for it. Any son must be all for it.

In the meantime, to each mother her own, and rightfully so. And, a Puerto Rican widow’s got to cope, Tom. She always has, and she always will. ?

Sidebar

Tony Báez Milán is a bilingual writer and film director. Born and raised in Puerto Rico, he spent fifteen years in Los Angeles and is now living in southwestern Pennsylvania with his family. He is the author of several novels and short story collections, and his work has appeared in numerous publications. Among other films, he wrote and directed the award-winning feature Ray Bradbury’s Chrysalis.

Word count: 3031

Copyright Southwest Review 2018

Note: Thanks for the submission @stuffstuff1757! This is fantastic.

[spacegaywritings]

CoS - Chap 14 “A sky full of stars (but you are the only light I see)“

Summary: <<he asked whether it is a date and Logan is pulling the "i am hereby asking for your consent to call this meeting a date - in the romantic sense" card>>

TW: crying, drama (bit), panic, gay gay gay shit, stargazing, soft stuff, sappy logan, past abuse, trauma mention, talks of past abandonment, mentions of past cheating, mentions of trust issues, mentions of violence, empty threats, weapon mention, stabby threat mention, dry humour, mentions of arson, demiboy virgil, thoughts of being broken, questioning (logan and Virgil).

The drama is short and necessary for HURT AND COMFORT

ao3 : 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16+ // all

Tumblr: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 /  11 / 12 / 13 / 14 (u are here) / 15 / 16 +  

  My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

 Story under the cut: (Wordcount: ~4,7k)

“Ri, please. I will be home in time, I promise.”

 Virgil pushed the cup of coffee closer to Remy in an attempt to appeal to him and somewhat sweeten the deal. The elder sibling eyed the offer with suspicion. Maybe the coffee was not poisoned but Remy might as well treat it as if.

 “Alright, alright. Just .. please be here around midnight? I want to be with you when the next day starts. Just this one thing?”

 Virgil jumped up and emitted a loud squeal.

 “Thanks!!”

 Their dark eyes sparkled with warmth. In no time, Remy was met with a bundle of Virgil in his arms and he giggled.

 “Now now, what is going on with you?”

 He chuckled. His hands brushed through Virgil’s dyed hair.

 “Logan asked me out! We will do things tonight!”

 They giggled more and snuggled up to their sibling with an energetic smile on their lips.

 “Logan? Library kid Logan? I think you told me about him.”

 Remy hummed in thought, still carding his fingers through Virgil’s messy hair.

 “V, do you feel ready to date already? I don’t mind if you do. I will support you, no matter what.”

 Virgil pursed their lips and shrugged.

They wanted to nod but their head did not want to comply.

 “I.. I want to try it. I can, um.. I can tell him I don’t want to go further. At least now. I - I don’t know. I really like him. I like him like I like Dee, you know?”

 Remy nodded sagely and patted their head in support.

 “It’s okay. I don’t wanna roast you about this, anyway. You learned enough in life and if you want advice, I am here for you. I am your wise sibling after all!”

 He smirked.

Virgil groaned and leaned away.

 “Ewww, don’t do that! You’re just old, Ri!”

 Virgil jumped up again and skipped away.

 “I need to, like, fucking dress up and shit!”

 Remy’s laughter echoed through the rooms.

 “Stop laughing you jerk!”, Virgil yelled back from afar, their hurried steps echoing in Remy’s head. He smiled at the rapidly shifting figure.

 Once they were in the bathroom to take a shower,, or whatever Virgil did in there, then in their room, in Remy’s room to probably steal clothes, then in the bathroom again.

Virgil seemed to be seconds away from prom.

Speaking of which, Remy thought they never really had a real prom.

 He got up to make a small meal for his dramatic kid sibling. They might be about to become a legal adult - one who could drink alcohol, too, not just sign contracts - but they were still such a young baby to him.

Probably, Remy would always see the neonate in Virgil he had been marked with when they “met” for the first time.

 He pressed his lips together. He frowned at the toast he prepared.

The professor actually sounded like a suburban supermom who could not cope with the idea of their kid growing up or whatever.

Not that he could cope with it but still.

 “Riiii, I am stealing your jeans!”

 The addressed adult snorted as soon as he heard it. It took him a moment to compose himself and gain enough breath as he dissolved into the tickling giggles and the light-hearted sensation of situational comedy.

His mouth gasped for breath and sucked in the sweet sweet oxygen so he could laugh even more.

 Once he had calmed down, he sighed and put the sandwich together with cheese and put it into a pan to grill it because Virgil liked this kinda stuff. Remy at least gave the kid some fresh fruits too. He glanced at the little bowl of fruit salad he had made earlier.

Yeah, he was not feeding the kid purely bullshit food or anything. He was not a dummy neglectful idiot.

He was supportive. So he would not laugh and go be a supportive sibling.

 “Sure, just turn up the legs, so you don’t fall over or walk on them. I want my pants back as they were - please don’t cut them, I will eat your hair dye.”

 Virgil passed him in the kitchen.

They were so fast, Remy did not even have the time to turn around to properly look at them.

He flipped the sandwich in the pan, letting the heat sizzle and seize the cooler piece of white bread.

 “Yeah, sure, like you would know”

 They stuck out their tongue and Remy half-heartedly glanced at them with no fire in his amused eyes.

He did not have it in his heart to poke fun at Virgil when he knew they could boil over at any moment, considering they were probably anxious about this date thing. Well, Remy assumed this but with Virgil tugging at their sleeves and looking at their hands as they sat there in the most oversized clothes that looked punk yet comfortable enough to hide them away.

Honestly, they were a walking fabric storage.

 The ripped black jeans were too big and gave them an odd artisan air. Virgil also wore a black dress shirt that looked big enough to accommodate the siblings together. It was kept together by their tie with was loosely tied around their neck and had black and red stripes with little metal chains closer to the tip.

They were shiny and silverish.

As always, Virgil had their black and purple, stitched-up mess of a jacket on that served as a mobile cave for them to retreat to.

They had their piercings on as well. Black rings around their lips, purple gauges in their lobes, one gauge each ear. These were hollow inside but one could barely see through them. One of them had a thin, golden hoop through it and the rest were regular piercings: simple golden studs in line with their naturally warm skin tone.

 They were everyone’s emo nightmare and Remy appreciated it.

 “You look great, kid,”

 Virgil rose their eyes to look at Remy for just a moment before tearing their gaze away and back onto their fidgeting fingers.

An audible sigh could be heard. It was short, void of breath, if that made any sense. Almost as if they were physically exhausted from running a long distance without break. Sprinting, perhaps.

 “Oh, Virgil. What is wrong? Who do I need to beat up because I am strong and taller than you and I will take a bitch!”

 Remy flicked his wrist majestically, slowly and ever so dramatically to reveal one single finger sticking out among all other peasant fingers bowing to the Queen of Middle Fingers.

 “I can and will fuck up a bitch because there is no bitch meaner than me.”

 The punk looked at him, eyes weirdly distant. It slowly faded into something like a glare rather than an empty stare into nothingness.

 “If you get arrested for some shit, you would just, like, get your teaching license revoked or something. Sounds like bullshit to me, to be honest.”

 A grin appeared on their lips, it flinched onto them but disappeared as fast as it came up.

 “No, it is okay. It.. just... Anxious and all”, Virgil admitted in a tired voice. They sounded as if energy was lacking but jumped into a rash and pumped up statement after just one moment of pause, “and before you ask, yes, I went to therapy - remember? I texted you and brought you coffee from there.”

 Remy nodded carefully and shut the stove before moving over to approach Virgil. The air smelled of salty cheese and it was as alluring as it was sickening but Virgil was not sure which feeling was overpowering at this moment.

 They nodded and patted the table. Remy nodded back and gave a small smile in appreciation as he sat down with Virgil, keeping his respectful distance.

 “I am scared, um.. just.. anxiety bullshit - not that I am, you know. It is just irrational. Logan is not like this, is not like,, like him, like Nate. Fuck Nate. Logan is not even into chicks, I think. I don’t.. I don’t know, you know? I don’t even know this about him and I am trying to date him and I slept in his bed. Ri, we fucking shared a bed and I don’t even know whether he would cheat on me!”

 Something in Remy’s face changed when Virgil spat out the last part, voice getting red and hot in all-consuming anger and.. betrayal.

They hugged themself and buried their head between their knees.

 “Breathe, please. Are you with me?”

 Virgil shrugged but silently breathed instead of getting further into the conversation. Numbers were counted slowly, it felt like a dragging of time and it was a never-ending burn in their lungs. Their sibling patiently moved closer to hug them and Virgil cuddled up to his chest.

 “I am.. I am being irrational. I know I .. I don’t know all about him but neither does he about me and that is okay because it is just dating and I am not obliged to do anything. I-it feels nice to think about being with him and to be with him and if he gives me red flags, I will shoot him down. I just don’t think he would.”

 Virgil sighed, looking at their hands again.

 “I.. I am doing the right thing. He agreed and we will just have some fun doing dumb things and such. No obligations, no relationship, no stupid cheating.”

 They got up and sighed again.

 “I, um, smell food..? Please tell me you are gonna feed me, I am a beast when hungry.”

 Remy chuckled.

 “Get a snickers, you hoe”

 Their shoulders trembled as they silently snickered.

 “You should eat one. I can bring you disgusting fast food when I come back. Hot cakes?”

 Virgil got their hands onto the plate and plopped the toast onto it in silence. They squipped in happiness and got some cutlery.

 “I will eat everything you have, Ri, just you wait”, they promised with a sense of playful threat. They settled on their chair, silverware clattering as they dropped it onto the wooden table.

In seconds, the toast stuffed their mouth completely and effectively prevented them from communicating any more comprehensive speech.

“Jwuft fwuh wayt!”

 Not that they did not try it anyway. No mortal piece of bread would be able to withstand their sheer will to fucking do it because they could and were not supposed to.

Remy rolled his eyes at the performance.

 “Yeah yeah, keep going with your threats. But thanks, I don’t need hotcakes.”

 The smaller sibling nodded.

 Remy licked his lips seriously. The air changed from a light-hearted playfullness to another shade of depth once more.

 “You can text me”, he took a small break to smack his lips. Virgil looked up at him in an unidentifiable mixture of feelings. “if you feel anxious, that is. I will get to you in an instant if you even have a remotely bad feeling. If your friend, date dude or whatever hot bitch you are excited about, is as kind as you perceive him to be, he will understand anything that will come up even if he does not expect it.”

 Virgil cronched the toast loudly and hummed.

 “Being close to you is about being able to be spontaneous and patient. You know what you need and you know not every person is ready to be this patient and kind. That is okay.”

 Their shoulders slouched but they nodded dejectedly. This was like reading the same story over and over but it still affected them every time they got to its synopsis.

 “ “m nutt yur problm”, they mumbled in reply and curled up on their chair, still chewing. Remy smiled and nodded sympathetically, his heart on his tongue.

 “You are not a problem at all, my heart. You are a stubborn little fuck and you just refuse to die and we will drink on that - as people who refuse to fucking die at all.”

 “Evwer!”

 Virgil swallowed and grinned at Remy, hands suddenly full of energy as they dynamically scooped up the trophy that was a bit of fruit salad.

 “Do I at least look hot? Because I gotta have to blow a nerd off his socks tonight and I wanna do a great job at it. Skirt too much?”

 Remy chuckled but shrugged.

 “I like you dressed this way or in anything else you feel comfortable in. You definitely are staying true to your aesthetics. You and your date will steal for the homeless, I see?”

 The smaller sibling got up to put the dishes into the dishwasher. Their fingers trailed over the machine for a moment as they got lost in thoughts for a bit. Just a moment.

Their phone rang again.

Oh, yes. The alarm.

 “Imma get going. I will steal your keys and a hot fucker’s heart.”

 The keys fell against one another, creating the sweet melody of arrival and departure, endings and beginnings.

Remy looked after them, a little bitterness weighing their smile down.

 Well, it was time to make a cake and wait for Virgil to come back. It would just be a few hours.

 ***

 Virgil slowly walked the last few meters to the door Logan had told them to go to. It was a weird feeling to be visiting the university so late at night. They had not even noticed this had been Logan’s intended meet-up point but once they had closed in, they started growing suspicious.

 The science building was not exactly the place they would usually hang around but alas, it was time to test the waters and get into new things and just dare stuff again, right? Life was about daring new stuff all the time and just going a bit further again and again.

 Their right hand formed a fist around their phone. The display kept shining into the night, showing them the room number they had sent Remy. The chat was open and they would be able to call or text him within moments, if need be.

The fingers were ready for everything.

 They stopped at the door, eyes glancing over the screen to check the number.

Yeah, seemed about right.

Their left hand rose to form a fist and knock the tall door.

 Within less than a second, the door swung open and Logan stood in front of Virgil, towering over them.

He.. he looked special this day. No tie, no pretty shoes. He was in a comfortable set of pants, a loose band shirt of Bunny Smashskull with the eye strain of their neon logo version. Even the shoes were just regular old shoes, sports shoes - they looked and worn yet rather comfortable.

 Virgil was nearly leaning against his chest. They were so close..

 “L-Logan-”

 DAMN IT. They had not been ready for this, apparently!

Well - STOP THE STUTTER! WE ARE ALL GAY HERE, TIME TO STAND UP AND BE A REAL GAY HOE!

….go get him, tiger.

Ew, no, Virgil. You are not a tiger, you are a tiny human and you will go get a Logan-date. Uh, like.. wow, Virgil. Just be a normal dude and be .. you… who is not normal.

Hey wait, is that dude talking? Fuck, fuck, talk to him!

 By the time Virgil caught themself again, Logan’s lips were moving and they did not listen at all. They shifted from leg to leg and coughed into their elbow awkwardly.

 “Uh- Log, I .. I did gay-out for a sec. Wha’did ya say?”

 Logan smiled and nodded. One of his hands moved away from the door handle after a last squeeze and instead closed in on Virgil.

They flinched, staring at the intruder.

 He only offered to take their hand. Just a hand. Nothing else.

Virgil’s heart was beating fast.

 “I was just saying you are stunning as always, Virgil, if not more so.”

 Logan cleared his throat. The smaller of the two gave themself a last mental pep talk before brushing over the insider of Logan’s warm, big hands. The upside of their fingernails scratched against his palm, starting from the naturally caved-in middle and slowly tracing over the Logan’s fingers until they reached his nails.

They swallowed and looked up at Logan, fingers stretched out, still. Then, they slowly crooked them to wrap them around Logan’s patient hand.

 His face lit up like turned-on fairy lights at the gesture. Instinctively, he squeezed.

If anyone else had been there, Logan could never pretend to not care about feelings-y things and interpersonal relationships. The smile on his bright, vivid face was significant and it changed everything Virgil had ever seen about him.

 Their right hand was still clutching their phone, ready to call Remy.

They let go and followed Logan inside, a smile mirroring the taller man.

 Now, their heart was beating for a whole other reason.

Panic was only a nightmare in this room.

 “Let us watch the stars again”

 Logan tugged the smaller emo along, fingers entangled. Hearts beat together like in a drum circle, forming one rhythm and one string of melody.

When they came to a stop, Virgil took in the room properly.

 The older of the two looked at Virgil, blocking their view.

 “Huh? Whaddup, Log?”

 “Can you trust me enough to close your eyes right now?”

 Their right flinched a bit.

Logan was too observant of a person to miss even a single bit of detail about his date, especially. They shrugged.

 “If you scare me, I might break your nose or stab you. You have been warned.”

 Logan shrugged as well.

Apparently, he cared about the lights more than his ribs but who was there to blame him? For him it was a matter of hurt or Virgil and he was more than willing to take a risk for them.

 Virgil was not drunk, was not stupid. They were broken and confused and always scared, vigilant and ready to fight. They were feral.

But they were also just a simple person, wanting love, wanting to be surprised and be courted.

 Eye lids shut down, heavy and trusting.

 His arm rose, one knuckle extended just enough to brush over the light switch and nudge it barely yes just so much, it moved and the light was gone.

 “Thanks. You can open them again.”

 His voice was low, low like the light in the room. They dimmed down together. When Virgil opened their eyes, the world of little like lights and soft atmosphere was opened up to them. The room, the machines and walls, everything, even they and Logan were immersed in the lights of a thousand stars. They were a part of the universe, they were right in it and surrounded by nothing but the darkness of the night and the light of life.

 “...w-wow.”

 They muttered, barely audible.

To be honest, they literally had no more breath. It was away, taken and forever with the stars only. They would not get it back but it was okay. It was an exchange.

Virgil got to stand amidst the myriad of lights in the vast darkness of the universe and they paid the tribute with their own breath.

 Just like it would be if they were in outer space for real.

 “Let us watch the stars we are standing in, Virgil. I want to watch the stars with you.”

 The two laid down and stayed quiet and just relished in the view, in the feeling, in being together.

They were lost but did not need to be found.

 After a while, Virgil spoke up.

Their voice was timid before the stars and planets of the universe.

 “I am sorry about being a little shit last morning. I just.. this was not about you at all and I did not mean to and I know you said it is okay but it is never okay to be shit to someone, even if you have a reason. It is just not an excuse and I was being shitty to you for nothing you did. I just .. I can’t talk to you without feeling guilty and bad, so I got upset.”

 Logan was silent as Virgil squeezed their eyes shut and took a deep breath.

 “I know you only want to assure I am fine because you are worried and that is cool, it is.. it is nice to be cared for, cared about.. it is just still a bit new to me and such a weird concept. The fact you guys took me in within a moment of just.. seeing me? That is so nice and I cannot understand how complete strangers, new people in my life just become friends this loyal and -and kind.”

 Their voice broke. This time, they broke out into sobbing. Instinctively, Logan wrapped his arms around them and hugged them close.

Virgil hid their sloppy self in Logan’s chest. They hugged back with a passion while the taller one had expected a slower and more anxious reaction. The young adults melted into the universe, the the stars and the light of each other.

 “It is okay”, Logan murmured into their hair, “it is okay. It is over now. We care about you. We will continue to care about you, even much later in life. Even if things go wrong. You still deserve a nice life and kind people and every bit of love you can handle or have to learn how to handle.”

 A torn cluster of giggles worked through their sobs.

The waterfall of tears started flowing harder, wetting the band logo of their beloved band Bunny Smashskull.

 “I-I’m sorry”, they cried, “ I.. I mean..”

 They curled up against Logan, suddenly being nothing but a small and fragile being in the middle of the universe.

Lost.

No need to be found.

But still found and still appreciating it.

 “Don’t be sorry for bad things and people happening to you. In life, people experience a lot of aversive events they would rather not witness yet sometimes we cannot do anything about it, especially in younger years of life. Aversive childhood experiences are actually not rare. Usually, everyone experiences at least a few of them. Your way and effectiveness in coping with it depends on your safety net and other positive or healthy experiences to build your self-esteem and other things among this.”

 Virgil snuggled up to Logan and hummed over their sniffles and sobs.

 “I .. I know.. I am coping now and h-ave, like, all this therapy stuff and crisis talks and all this shit with friends and all. It.. It is better but you know, like, a little more than one year ago I would get piss-drunk and set buildings on fire and break people’s noses and fuck shit up and be a whole fucking asshole and hack and fight and break any law I could find. Now I am.. so nice and stable..”

 Virgil sighed and slowly wiped the tears away.

 “I um.. I set something on fire while I was drunk and dumb, I did not mean to do it - anyway, I actually did a good job doing it. I have no regrets. Nobody was hurt but a fraud was uncovered in this whole mess.”

 They shrugged.

 “If you wanna ditch me, ditch me now, I mean.. I am giving you the official permission to throw me out of space-nirvana. Go, on.”

 Virgil lightly pushed against his chest.

 “I am not even sure what kinda sexuality I have. I am just saying gay because I don’t know what else to say and because I know I like dudes and I am not even a dude, like, not fully. I- I am a demiguy and I don’t even use he/him all the time, not even right now. I am a mess.”

 The emo brushed through their hair and snorted.

 “Forget it, you are... you are too good and prefect and great and nice for a messy arsonist and poly-amorous mess of imperfections and societal rejections.”

 “Virgil”

 They shook their head.

 “No. No, it is okay. It is alright. I... I am sorry for just putting this on you all of a sudden and expect you to make a decision. Like, wow, way to be a dick. You are a nice dude, Log. Thank you for the date and the stars. This is the nicest date I ever had in my entire life.”

 Their voice was warm with the wonders of the world.

Logan melted at the idea.

 He carefully brushed over their jaw, still holding them loosely.

 “I will love you, whether you are a man or not. I will love you now and later and when you dropped a book when I made an unfunny joke about chemistry and you laughed. You looked so happy. When you called me for help, you were shattered but you were still full of life and will to live. You met Patton and you two hugged. You never fail to surprise me with your talents. I never knew you were so clever and skilled you could hack, I never knew you fought the government. I never knew but I wish I will never stop to learn more about you.”

 He licked his dry lips and glanced at their lips, at their eyes and pursed their own mouth, letting out a whispered “may I?”

 His voice was soft. It was soft and Virgil blinked, smiled and stormed forward to experience soft lips. Lips softer than anything Virgil had ever felt before.

It touched them deep inside, brushed their heart, let their chest bloom and glow in feelings, in comfort.

 They carefully leaned against Logan and closed the gap their stupid outburst had put between them. Within a fast heartbeat, they rolled over and straddled him.

Chests brushed against one another, pounding themselves into oblivion.

 But together.

 When Virgil pulled back, their lips were flushed and tingly from smooching so much. Even Logan’s usually pale face was tinted with rosy colours and warm tinges of affection and contentment. The two lazily smiled at one another.

 “Consent is sexy, Log.”

 Logan snorted, chuckled, laughed out loud and lost himself in the surge of dopamine. He threw his arms around Virgil and tugged them down so they could press their foreheads together and nudge each other’s nose as if it was the only way to communicate his intense feelings for them, the butterflies and glistening tears of happiness in his mortal body.

 He was happy.

Really, Virgil seemed happy, too.

For the first time in forever, everything just seemed .. okay. The two knew they had found each other to be the thing they did not need but wanted so bad and deserved as much as any other great good in life.

They had.. arrived.

[werevulvi]

Writing this text led me to several important realisations, suddenly crying my heart out, and then feeling a lot better. So I felt it’s important to post. Also I’ve got a question towards the end, for anyone who knows how to use tumblr better than I do. Sudden internalised lesbophobia thought of today, me to myself: "Even if there was a cure for homosexuality, I would never want it..." "...wait... I said 'cure' didn't I?" "Oh, shit. Well if that ain't a freudian slip, I don't know what possibly could be."

That's... my doubled-sided coin in a nut shell. Trapped in one single sentence. I don't actually want for my sexuality to change, even if that was possible (which was what I thought I meant to say), cause I'm happier with other women than I could ever even imagine being with men let alone was, like really a hell of a lot happier with women and I want to nurture and savour that, and I live in one of the most pro-lgbt countries in the world... but I'm still struggling to view it in a fully healthy light. My dumb brain still whispers that it goes against nature, that it's somehow sick. Why do I care? Sitting by a computer obviously goes against nature too, and praying to Satan while wearing a hooded black robe in a dark candle lit room at midnight is often considered "sick" by some people too, and kinda for the same dumb reasons (meaning a harmless something that just goes against people’s personal beliefs), but apparently I have no moral quarrels with those sort of activities. But clearly my women-loving activities, whether romantic or sexual, keep grinding my gears.

Like... maybe that's also intrusive thoughts? Aside from my "regular" sexual intrusive thoughts, I mean. Cause really what else is up with those random "voices" whispering homophobic shit to me? Of course they're intrusive thoughts. I can't believe I didn't realise that before. I'm such an idiot! Oh well, better late than never, here we go again *pats my own shoulder*

However, I had a good conversation today with an acquaintance who might become a friend. He's a gay man, somewhere in his late 40's, very sweet, humble yet straight-forward and kinda blunt, and talks really a lot. He hosts "rainbow cafe" events in the only city on this small island around once or twice a month, which is casual gathering for lgbt people and allies. Sometimes, it's just me and him, because no one else attended. As was last evening, just he and I, and we ended up talking about everything from David Bowie to homophobia in muslim countries, and from to "Will and Grace" to his ex/on-off boyfriend and my girlfriend. I always love hearing him talk of his ex boyfriend. They seem worlds apart yet very understanding and caring of each other, and casually bickering like they've known each other forever. It's clear to me that they're still very good friends. It was perhaps a seemingly simple, just friendly conversation, but it felt so good. Like... just fucking finally having a normal conversation with another gay person about gay stuff irl. I don't know why but that makes me cry right now. Fuck, I just need to feel normal and not just be told that I'm normal. Cause there is a big difference. And during that conversation with him I felt normal. He didn't say it, not even once, but he made me feel normal by simply treating me as if I was. That's it... that clicked something within me. I don't cry often, so when I end up bawling like that... I KNOW it's important. Cause it only happens that I cry when a feeling is so strong I can't possibly bottle it. Instead it explodes. Now I feel a hell of a lot better... wow, that was cleansing! Also I finally managed to tell him about my detransition, which I had not been able to muster before, and then I've met him during those kind of cafe events some 5-10 times by now for a whole year. But now it was easy. I felt considerably more confident than ever, which made me far more conversational than I've been in a long time, and his reaction to that was... he seemed unphased.

Not shocked, not clenching his gut in discomfort at the thought of the horror I must be going through. He seemed to understand it's a difficult process, but didn't make a big deal out of it. In that sense too, he made me feel normal. It's not about me being normal, just feeling it. If even just for rare moments here and there. I've... never felt that way before. That's definitely worth crying over, and it's entirely connected to my internalised lesbophobia. Cause I think with my lesbian discovery, so soon after my detransition, it felt like insult to injury. Like I'll never be a normal woman at any point, no matter how far I detransition, cause I'll always be a lesbian woman. And I think that's the thorn that I didn't even know I had in my side, until it was forcibly pulled out. I no longer doubt I'm a lesbian. I haven't for the past few months. I haven't felt a single doubt about it since my girlfriend and I first got physical, and I mean it. I've felt and known sincere certainty about my sexuality ever since. Not just that I love her, and am very attracted to her, but that I just can't possibly feel that sorta thing towards any male. No man could ever make me wet by just kissing me, but she can. And I know why. It's as clear as the sun is bright. I think unfortunately though... the more sure I get that I really am a lesbian, through and through, the more scared of it I become. It's as if the more sure of it I become, the more inevitable it feels. Question is, why do I treat my homosexuality as some kind of inevitable doom? I read too much crap. No doubt that all the gut-wrenching homophobia that keeps popping up in my tumblr feed is getting to me, feeding my fantasies of corrective rape and drilling thoughts of it being "unnatural" and "wrong" into my already fragile and tormented skull. If only I could filter blog contents somehow without unfollowing or blocking anyone. Cause I want to read some 90% of the content of the radfem blogs I follow, but fuck it whenever I get face fucked with another post of absolutely vicious homophobia (especially when targetting lesbians specifically) I lose my ability to distance myself and I feel like utter and absolute shit. It sucks my ptsd-brain into a vacuum of impending darkness. I get (extra) vulgar when I'm upset. Sorry not sorry, it's a coping mechanism. Trust me, it lightens my mood, and that's the purpose of it.

Or in simpler language: I get a little triggered. Or like... badly triggered, but pushing it aside, pretending everything is fine and dandy, but my insides keep screaming and tossing about.

And I can't keep exposing myself to that, just hoping I'll get desensitised soon enough. I guess tumblr has some kind of function to filter out tags that I could try, but then you guys and gyns don't exactly always tag your shit. Sure it's good to expose homophobes' bigotry so more people will know about, absolutely. But I don't need any more exposure of that, thank you I've had enough. So oh well, oh well. Maybe I could create a second account for following blogs I know are crammed with such nasty shit I can't possibly avoid without making too big of a sacrifice, and keep my main blog clean from that, but means unfortunately unfollowing a lot. Which I don't wanna. Also I really don't have the spoons to create a second account and filter through all the 500 or so blogs that I follow. I just simply don't.

I don't fucking know. But that crap is really, really getting to me and I know I need to take some distance from all the horrid homophobia in the world, or at least a damn break from it. ~Cause I've got a feeling~ ~that it's stunting my healing~ I'm in such a strange mood tonight. My dark humour is coming to my defense. It's late, I need to sleep but I'm hyperactive due to being over-tired. Cause sometimes my brain just does the opposite to what it’s supposed to. It needs me to finish this first. But anyhows. If anyone's got any advice on how to avoid specific(-ally nasty) tumblr content without unfollowing (people who don't fucking tag their nasty posts), that'd be great. Desk top, not app, btw. I mean especially the endlessly big posts of more and more people adding cited quotes from TRA's such as "lesbians who don't like dick should be raped by girl dick, killed, gutted, turned into sex slaves, forcibly impregnated, yadda yadda" you know the drill. And oh it drills... If in any case a clarification was necessary.

[hymn2000]

Where The Darkness Ends - MCU AU fanfic - C5

Story summary: The concept of having a baby has been more of an idea for a long time now. Ideal candidates for a three-person baby, Loki and Tony have finally, after many Peter-based setbacks and challenges, got to the point of being tested. Now, they just have to wait for the results before they can move on to the next stage.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family stuff, mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff, fertility stuff, IVF, potentially some medical inaccuracies

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 5 - If It Helps

-

In a misguided attempt to carry on as normal, Loki went to work the next day. He ignored Tony’s cries and protests and very firmly said that he was going regardless. Tony was too worn down to fight him too much, and too hurt to try to beg him to stay any more than he had done already.

-

It felt strange going to the hospital, as though he hadn’t been there for weeks. Still, he felt like he needed to keep busy, and in his mind, this was the best way to do it. He knew that everyone on his ward knew he’d had some bad news, but Jo Jo was the only one who knew exactly what that bad news was. So hopefully he could avoid the pitying glances.

Jo Jo knew better than most just how horribly the results of the fertility test were going to affect Loki, and he also knew that calling attention to it wouldn’t be wise. 

Jo Jo popped up as soon as Loki reached the hospital.

“Hi!” he said brightly. “Say, have you got any of those cherry energy drinks that I could steal? I had a late night and I’m definitely starting to slow down already”

Loki watched him for a moment, touched that he was trying to act normal, and grateful of the immediate distraction. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as he was expecting.

-

Loki didn’t last long. He knew he was foolish to think he could just carry on as normal. Everything on the ward suddenly had much more gravity to it. He was surrounded by expectant parents and babies and everything that went with it. He tried to distance himself a bit, doing light duties like blood work. But he couldn’t escape from the conversation of medical notes, and the excited families talking about their latest buys and possible baby names. 

Loki generally got to know his patients pretty well, and a lot of them wanted to speak to him, and tell him how they were getting on - and show him their latest ultrasound scans and nursery plans. 

Loki fought to stay strong for as long as he could, but it was hard work, and his mind couldn’t help being heavily distracted by what had happened at the clinic, and what he’d lost before he’d even had the chance to have it. 

There was one patient who Loki had gotten to know a little bit, who was having her first scan and check up after a successful round of IVF. Loki tried to distance himself, but the more she spoke, and the more he found his mind wandering to the realms of what could have been, the worse he felt. His heart was thudding, and he was starting to feel sick. He took a deep breath and grabbed a passing colleague.

“Mary, could you take over here for me, please?”

“Yeah, ok..”

Mary took over, giving Loki a concerned look as he rushed off. She knew something was wrong - all the staff had been told that much - but she knew it must be something even bigger than she’d first expected. She’d never seen Loki like this before.

-

Loki shut himself in the locker room and sat down heavily on one of the benches, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. This was so much harder than he’d thought it was going to be. But he was an idiot to think that he could work on a ward surrounded by babies and pregnancy and not feel horribly struck down by it all. 

There was a knock on the door. Loki didn’t look up, but he heard the door open and close, and he felt someone sit down beside him.

“Hi, Loki” the person said. “Jo Jo told me what happened. He said you wouldn’t mind if it was just me”

Loki sat up straight and looked at Mr Lesley. He was a consultant Loki knew from handovers and the occasional after-work drink. He didn’t know him too well, but he knew a few things about him. Like the fact they were in the same boat.

“We didn’t even think about the possibility of this result. We just thought it was a formality”

“I know. No one wants to think about that possibility, and men aren’t usually prepared for it. You were just taking another step closer to getting your baby. You had no reason to consider you’d get those results”

“Exactly” Loki said. He swallowed hard. “...I can’t have children. I’m not going to have a baby and I don’t know what to do”

“There’s nothing you can do, not in the way you think. You can’t change those results, or ‘fix’ them. I know it’s hard. But the only thing you can really do is try to come to terms with it and move on”

“How can I move on? I’ve been waiting for so long to be able to have this baby, and now it’s just been torn away from me. In fact, I’ve torn it away from myself. Tony’s results were fine, good. I was the one with the knackered results. I’m the one who can’t have kids. They don’t even know why yet. It’s probably something I did in space. I don’t know. Maybe it’s always been this way. All I know is there’s nothing I can do and no one I can blame but myself”

“You can’t play the blame game, Loki” Mr Lesley said. “It’s not a case of blaming or finding fault. I know you want to, but these results? Well, it’s just the way it is. There’s no changing it, and there’s often not even a way to find out why. You’re allowed to be angry, just don’t let it consume you”

“How did you do it?” Loki said, trying to stop crying. “There must have been something that helped”

“It was hard” Mr Lesley said. “My wife and I, we were quite bad; we judged our assumptions on stereotypes. We both expected it to be her who was unable to conceive. I was totally unprepared to find that it was me firing blanks”

Loki winced.

“You’ve gotta do the doctory-nursey thing of using comedy to cope sometimes, Loki. Welcome to the jaffa club, I say”

Loki looked at him. “Jaffa?”

“That’s a seedless orange”

“Ah” Loki sighed and shook his head slightly. “I don’t think I want a badge”

“You might find making light of it useful at some point in the future”

“Is that how you coped?”

“Not at first” Mr Lesley said. “It was hard. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I got so depressed, I took extended sick leave, almost went on a sabbatical. My wife was sympathetic for a while, but... Well, I think she found it tricky to deal with me. I don’t think she thought it hurt as much as it did. She started pushing for the other options far sooner than I was ready to hear them”

“You’ve got children, though, haven’t you?”

“Yes, one. Sperm donation” Mr Lesley said. “It was a pretty long time after I found out about my infertility, but my wife and I so wanted a child, and eventually we made the decision to do it that way”

“How old are they?”

“She’s nine now. I love her so much. You’ve got an adopted son. I’m sure it’s a similar kind of thing, in that you forget you’re not biologically related, because it doesn’t really matter. I’m not sure it’s that important. It’s love and time, and all the rest of it that makes family”

“...I love Peter so much. He’s still my little boy” Loki said. “But having a baby was just something me and Tony wanted so, so much. All of that planning. Everything we planned, it just took one tiny appointment to complete tear it down. It was all for nothing. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to accept that”

“You’ll find a way” Mr Lesley said. “You can cry and scream and shout and swear about it. But make sure you talk. How’s Tony doing?”

“Not great” Loki sighed. “He’s about as devastated as I am. But I think his pain is only skin deep. Not that it doesn’t matter, but... I think my pain goes deeper. He can be upset about it, and we can mourn it, but I can’t shake the thought that this is my fault. If my body worked properly, things would be different”

“I know how you feel, believe me. Loki, listen. I know you’re heartbroken. But you know there’s other options if you decide to go for them. But even if you don’t, you’re lucky, because you’ve already got a child. Some people find that helps”

Loki took his phone out of his pocket, looking at the photo on his lock screen. Mr Lesley peered at the picture.

“He’s a cute little kid. I know you love him. How does he feel about all of this?”

“...He was so ready to be a big brother. He wanted it too. He’s upset too. So much of our home life has been riding on this three-person IVF for months now. He liked staying involved in our plans... I don’t know if he really knows what’s what right now...” Loki swallowed. “He’s not at home right now. He’s staying with my brother. Tony thought it was best. Just until we’re a bit stronger. But I don’t know how long that’s going to be. What if we never get stronger?”

“You will. It’s horrible, but if you look in the right places, there’s places you can go and people you can speak to. It’s harder for us, I think” Mr Lesley said. “There’s not really any help at all out there for men going through infertility. Countless resources for women, which is good, I suppose, but still... I hope it’s different for you - I’m sure it will be, seeing as you’re not with a woman - but when I first told people, I was told to ‘just get a sperm donor’. Or to adopt. Some people even scoffed. It’s dreadful, but I think things are different now, even just after these few years. Hopefully you can fight off the press if this story gets out. I can only imagine what that kind of gossip can feel like. Loki, you’re headstrong and stubborn and I know we don’t know each other hugely well, but allow me to offer some advice”

Loki wiped the tears from his eyes and made himself look at him.

“Ignore everyone who doesn’t know you. Talk to your husband, and your family, and your friends. Talk, and write your feelings out. And go home, Loki” Mr Lesley took Loki’s hand. “Go home. No one is expecting you to work through this. You’ll only make yourself worse, especially on this ward. Go. You need to look after yourself first”

-

Loki wouldn’t speak to Tony when he got home. He hugged him, but quickly excused himself and went to his room, closing the door firmly behind him. He needed some time to himself.

-

Tony felt dreadful, and all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide from the world. But he’d promised himself he’d visit Peter every night, and he wasn’t going to break that promise. Once again, Loki didn’t accompany him, but he had Happy knocking about the house again, so Tony felt ok to leave him for a little bit. At least he wouldn’t be alone.

-

Peter was cuddled down on the sofa when Tony got to Thor’s.

“How has he been?” he asked quietly.

“He’s been ok” Thor said. “He’s been eating, anyway. He’s been pretty quiet though”

Tony nodded, and sat down at Peter’s feet. “Hey, kiddo”

Peter looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

“How are you doing?”

Peter sat up slowly, keeping quiet. Tony sighed. He didn’t know what else to say to him. He was tired, and he felt weak. He hadn’t looked after himself at all that day. He’d felt so lonely, considering Loki had gone out and then shut himself in his room upon his return. He wanted nothing more than to be with his family, but it seemed like none of them wanted to be with him.

“I know you’re upset” Tony said eventually. “I am too. But you know why you’re here. It’s for your own good, chick. Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s not so bad, is it? You get on well with uncle Thor. He’s always so nice to you. You know he loves you almost as much as I do”

“You look ill” Peter said.

Tony was surprised. “Um... Well, I guess I feel a bit ill. It’s been a rough couple of days”

“How’s daddy?”

“He’s resting” Tony nodded. “It was a rough day for him as well”

He pressed his lips together, looking straight ahead. Peter watched him for a moment, and then crawled onto his lap. Tony’s arms moved automatically and he hugged the boy close, resting his chin on his head. He sighed.

“You’re a good little boy” he mumbled. “Such a good boy...”

“I’d be ok at home, you know”

Tony sighed. “I don’t think so. I’m sorry, kiddo, but you’ve gotta stay here. Just until daddy and I have figured everything out”

Peter rested his head against Tony’s chest. “...Dad?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Can you... Can you hold me a bit tighter?”

Tony paused, and then wound his arms further round him. “Like this?”

“Just... just a bit tighter”

Tony did so, and Peter sighed and nodded slightly.

“Yeah, like this”

“You know daddy and I love you, right?”

“I know. But it doesn’t feel like daddy loves me right now”

“He does” Tony said. “You’re still our little boy, no matter what”

“You’re sad” Peter said. “Daddy’s sad. I’m sad. Pepper’s sad. We’re not having a baby”

Tony closed his eyes, trying to fight back the tears. “I know”

“You’re gonna keep visiting, though, right? And daddy’s gonna visit when he feels a bit better? Right?”

“Right” Tony said, sounding choked. “Just because you’re staying with uncle Thor, doesn’t mean we have to be distant”

“I was looking online today, seeing if there were memorials for infertility. That didn’t show up any results. I think there should be something, don’t you? Because it does feel like a loss. And it’s really sad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah” Tony said. “Yeah, it’s really sad...”

“They started to feel real, didn’t they?”

“Who?”

“Princess May and Oliver Anthony. It was like we were just waiting to meet them. Like they already existed”

“Yeah...” Tony swallowed, and then started crying. 

He held tight to Peter, rocking him gently as he cried. Peter started crying too, scared. Thor left them at first, but Tony’s cries started getting distressing, so he stepped in and carefully took Peter from him.

“Why don’t you go to your room?” Thor said gently.

“But-”

“Shh, go on. Go to your room”

Peter took a last desperate look at Tony, and then did as he was told. Thor sat down on the sofa and put his arms round Tony, who very soon turned and hugged him. 

“I can’t do this-!”

“Yes you can. You’ll get through it eventually, you and my brother” Thor said, holding him tight. “You’ll get there”

“I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve just felt so sick and hollow ever since we found out. I don’t know how to get my head around this”

“You’ll work it out. You need to talk to Loki” Thor rested his head against Tony’s. “Go home, Tony. I think you need to be with Loki. Don’t worry about Peter; I’ll look after him. You need to look after yourself. Put yourself first for once”

-

Loki was on the balcony, drinking and smoking, as expected, when Tony got home. He barely glanced at his husband. Tony swallowed and went over to him, climbing into his lap and resting his head on his shoulder. Loki wound his arms round him and rested his mouth against Tony’s forehead. A few moments passed, and Loki dropped his cigarette and held Tony tighter. He didn’t want to let go. He felt horrible for avoiding him. Now he wanted nothing more than to stay with him, indefinitely. 

“Loki?”

“Mm?”

“I think we need to talk to someone about this”

Loki was quiet for a moment. He took a deep breath. “Who?”

“I don’t know” Tony swallowed hard, three or four times, trying not to cry. “...I think we should call Li Allen”

“I think we need to talk to each other properly” Loki said, his voice trembling. “We haven’t talked properly; we’ve just cried. I can’t stop crying... I don’t know what to do”

He started crying properly again, and Tony did too. Neither of them could speak, but they held each other and cried, both knowing what the other was feeling. They felt so tired and sore and hollow and alone - but they had each other. At least, if nothing else, they were going through this together. That was all they needed right now. Just to be together. Indefinitely. 

-

Tony just about managed to force himself to go to Thor’s the next evening. He sat with Peter and tried to watch telly for a bit, but he couldn’t concentrate. He held Peter tight and stroked his hair, his thoughts always straying back to Loki and the baby situation. He couldn’t seem to focus on the little boy in his arms. 

-

Tony left just over an hour after arriving. Peter started crying as soon as Tony announced his departure, and Tony felt horrible. He gave Peter a cuddle and chucked him under the chin and told him to be brave. 

“I’ll take you out for dinner next time. Somewhere nice, somewhere we don’t go often” he said. “You’d like that, right?”

Peter nodded, holding his arms out for another hug, which Tony supplied. He kissed him hard on the cheek. 

“You be good. I’ll see you soon. Love you lots”

“I love you too”

Tony kissed him again, hard, and forced himself to let go. He wanted to be with his husband.

-

Loki never took care of himself properly when he wasn’t feeling great, so things weren’t going well. He couldn’t be bothered to eat, or take his supplements, or drink anything non-alcoholic. His stock of cigarettes that had long gone untouched was steadily starting to deplete. The liquor cabinet, which recently had been seldom used, was now open, with no sign of it being closed any time soon. The radio and stereo that usually played throughout the house all day was switched off, leaving a heavy silence in the air. Even FRIDAY had been muted. 

Tony flopped down beside Loki when he got home. 

“How is he?”

“He’s eating and stuff” Tony said. “He’ll be fine. Your brother takes good care of him” 

Loki nodded, lighting another cigarette and passing it to Tony. Tony paused, and then took it. Usually he only smoked on holiday. It felt weird smoking in such sad times. But it felt apt. Odd, but apt. Appropriate. The right thing to do. 

“What are you drinking?”

Loki answered by handing the glass to him. Tony took a good mouthful. Rum and coke. Or more, rum with a splash of coke. Enough rum to make his face twitch. He handed the glass back. Loki took it, and then reached for one of the bottles on the floor. He held the Grey Goose out to him. Tony took it, looking at the picture of the bottle for a moment before unscrewing the cap. He took a deep breath and raised it to his lips. He took a small sip, and then tipped the bottle, gulping down the clear liquid almost greedily. He could feel Loki watching him, and slowly lowered the bottle. He saw that Loki had been holding a glass and mixer can for him too. He took a deep breath.

“We’ll start doing things properly tomorrow”

*

[mevero-blog1]

9 Horrible Mistakes you’re making in Following Your Passion

Have you ever felt déjà vu? A sudden rush of adrenaline when you listen to beat of music, when start to sing when it’s raining, while you click a picture of the beautiful linnet sitting in your lawn. Have you?? Maybe you are destined to do something else than your daily chores or completing your office works. Do you ever think why were you BORN?

It’s our PASSION which keeps us alive, it’s our PASSION which does let us die. It’s PASSION that won’t let sleep after an extremely tiring day. So grab your shoes and get started to find your TRUE SELF.

However, it’s not easy to follow your Passion, Here’s the mistakes you are making in Following Your Passion:

 §     OVERTHINKING. I know that life is useless without identifying your true self but don’t over think about. You cannot find PASSION just like that, so give it a chill and chat with VEDA she will help you to find your true passion.

 §     OVERDOING. Sometimes your passion doesn’t let take a break which is extremely bad for physical as well as mental health. So take a deep breathe and relax, MEVERO is there to take care of your passion.

 §     OVERCONFIDENCE. Being confident is great but being overconfident about your passion will ruin your life. Sometimes you need to consult a LIFE COACH, who will guide you in the way of achieving passion.

 §     UNPLANNED DECISIONS. You see it is idiotic to follow your passion without planning it. It might lead to a huge monetary loss without achieving anything. So my advice is to set goals before you pursue your passion and luckily VEDA will help you to SET YOUR GOALS step by step.

 §     ONLINE PASSION FINDER. You will find a lot of online sites that claims to seek your passion. Beware of such fraudulent websites which charges money to search your passion.

 §     UNDETERMINATION. You need to be absolutely determined about your passion, without it determination you will always suffer. So be sure about what your heart wants.

 §     INDISCIPLINE. Late night parties, Bad Addictions might sound cool but such Indiscipline choice of lifestyle is a major hindrance in the path of achieving your lifestyle. You need to take care of your health first.

 §     FREE SERVICE. Do you remember THE JOKER’s iconic dialogue from The Dark Knight?

 "If you are good at something, never do it for free." 

I know it is nice to help people in need but be sure your passion for helping someone or your passion for photography or anything is constantly utilized as a FREE SERVICE for people. Don’t let anyone to over-utilize your passion, at least take some nominal fees for your work. You know sometimes FREE SERVICE might make your PASSION look like your weakness which is not good. But of course you cannot charge from everyone, so be fair with your decisions.

 §     FEAR. Then comes the biggest mistake FEAR to try something new. Don’t ever do this, because you are humiliating your talent, your self-esteem by this. Be proud of your passion and never be afraid to pursue it. Imagine your favourite Actor being afraid of ACTING, Does that makes any sense? So explore your talents as much as possible.

  BONUS: This write-up might scare you up but trust me, these are common mistakes that we all have made.

So,

“Don’t lose faith, don’t lose hope,

Just find a Passion planner to help you cope”

 In this platform we will help you to FIND your passion, BUILD it and help you LIVE a life of satisfaction.

 www.mevero.com

[looselucy]

- Catch Up -

My stomach was twisting as I hovered my thumb over the screen of my phone, debating whether or not to text Max back or if it would be best to just ignore him and deal with the awkwardness when we were back in work on Monday. It was Saturday afternoon, and despite the fact that he had wandered over to my desk and asked me out on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I still hadn’t given him a definite answer. I was kind of surprised he’d even bothered texting me at all. I thought he might have surrendered after so much subliminal rejection. Maxwell Edison: I’m still free tonight! Would love to see you. Hope you’ve made your mind up by now XXX

I didn’t have a single thing scheduled in that would stop me from spending time with him, the only thing that was holding me back was the way I’d been feeling since Harry had turned up at my door on Wednesday night. I’d thought about him almost constantly since and my heart had been aching the entire time. I kept picturing his face, how he’d looked and trembled when I’d yelled at him, how broken he seemed by everything. I hated that he’d only turned up when there was enough alcohol in his system to give him the drive and desire to be around me again, but thinking back to what I’d seen and how he’d acted, there was something there that I hadn’t been able to focus on at the time. I’d been too frustrated and upset to take note of his tears, his refusal to leave, the way he’d kissed me. But I didn’t want to feel something for a boy who could only face me when the scenario suited him best. I didn’t want to open my heart to a boy who only wanted to take certain pieces of it and disregard the rest. I didn’t want to offer sympathy for a boy who wasn’t giving me enough of a reason to believe he’d earnt it. I was exhausted by it. Feeling sick to the stomach, I finally decided what my answer should be to Maxwell, my stomach twisting as plucked up the courage to reply. L: I’m free to grab a couple of drinks if you want. X Maxwell Edison: I want! Give me a time and place and I’ll be there XXX I gave him the name of a bar that was only a five-minute walk away from my flat, wanting to remain close to home so I could dash out of there rather quickly if I wanted to. That was another thing that was great about the double dating deal myself and Harry had gotten into; I didn’t feel anxious or unsafe. It was a little different going alone. It was nothing to do with Max himself, but just the idea of it all. I wasn’t quite as at ease as I would have been with Harry there helping me through it. Max text back within seconds telling me he was looking forward to it, and before I could panic and freak out and text him again already thinking up some kind of excuse that meant I could no longer meet him, there was a knock on my door. I hopped up off my bed and made my way down the hall, definitely questioning who would be knocking at my door on a Saturday afternoon, but mainly praying it wouldn’t be Harry. I opened the door to a different member of the Styles family. “Deb!” I gasped. “Hello, my love.” She moved in immediately and wrapped her arms around me, acting so casual and calm that I immediately knew her visit was neither casual or likely to remain calm. Her and Harry were close. They spoke on the phone often, and it was never too long between his visits to her or her visits to him. I knew full well that she would likely be up to speed on what had happened between us; whether she had all the details, I wasn’t sure, but I knew full well she’d at least know that the two of us were no longer speaking. I knew that was why she’d come to see me. After feeling hesitant for a few moments, I held her tightly, wrapping my arms around her and nestling my face into her hair and trying my best to hold in my tears. She had been a comfort to me more than once, a motherly figure who was close enough to care for me and be there when I needed her. I hadn’t realised how badly I just needed a cuddle from someone who really cared about me. We eventually parted, shooting each other rather knowing and sympathetic smiles. I exhaled dramatically, wondering just how much I could open up to her or what she’d have to say to me. “You fancy a brew?” I offered. “I’d love one, thank you.” She let herself inside fully, closing the door behind herself as I went towards the kitchen, speaking over my shoulder. “How’ve you been?” I asked. “I’ve been good, thank you. What about you?” “Up and down.” I answered honestly. I wandered straight to the kettle and flicked it on, turning around to see her pull up a stool that I had against the kitchen worktop and sit herself down. “Congratulations on the job!” She beamed, and immediately noted the confusion on my face. “Harry told me.” “Really?” “Of course he did. I always ask him how you are.” I dropped my head, unsure what to say, where I should take the conversation or where we could even begin. I didn’t really want to discuss what had been happening between me and Harry with anyone, never mind his mother. She was someone I had always been perfectly comfortable sharing with, so I couldn’t help but feel like she was just waiting for me to be open with her and share how I’d been feeling about the mess we’d gotten into, but it didn’t feel so easy this time around. “Well, thank you.” I grumbled. “But… I’m not sure I’m gunna… stay in Liverpool for much longer so… I doubt I’ll even make it past the probation period.” “Really?” “Don’t tell Harry. I’ll… I’ll tell him myself, eventually. When I’ve… got a solid plan.” “I thought you really loved it here?” “I do! It’s… the best place but… I think I might need a change.” The kettle clicked as she just looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, sighing a little. I looked away from her, preparing our drinks and trying to remain calm, but the more she looked at the me that way it was as though I could see the queries she had bulging up inside her. She was bound to lead the conversation towards me and Harry at any moment, and I didn’t feel ready. “I’ve just been with him.” She spoke, but I kept my back to her. “He’s missing you a lot.” “Mm.” I shuddered. “How is he?” “He’s not good, Lona. I’m not sure you are, either.” I didn’t say a word again until the drinks had been fully made and I was placing her tea down in front of her, hating the way she could just look at me so confidently and I couldn’t even bring myself to let our eyes meet. “I think we ruined everything.” I swallowed. “I dunno what he’s told you-” “Enough.” She interrupted, smiling. “I don’t need any more details.” I chuckled appreciatively, knowing then that she had more than enough information about what had happened between the two of us. I wondered what he’d said. I knew even if I asked her, she’d give me some roundabout answer and I’d never know word for word, which was what I truly wanted. She wasn’t coming round to gossip and speak on his behalf, I knew that. She was there to try and hear my side of the story, and give me some honest advice. My laughter died far too quickly, pain once again taking control. “You know I think the world of him,” I ran a shaky hand through my hair. “But he’s made me feel so… worthless. I didn’t think he ever would, because it’s Harry, and I don’t think he means to, but he has and I just keep getting so angry.  Even when he tries to explain himself, all he does is make me feel worse. So I don’t wanna hear it anymore.” She nodded, seeming to completely understand why I was feeling that way. He’d left me the morning after, and I’d tried to fix things. He told me he was worried I loved him, and I let him into my home and let his lips meet mine again without any explanation. I kept trying to ignore the signs that told me he was treating me poorly, but the second I’d noticed he was drunk I’d snapped. My anger had formed a life of its own. All I could think was that I didn’t mean as much to him as I once thought I had, or hoped I had. “Well, I told him he’s an idiot,” She spoke confidently. “Because he is. He’s acted like a fool and he knows it.” “Good.” “But… he loves you, Lona. More than you know. More than I know. I just think… he struggles with this kind of thing.” “What kind of thing?” “Love.” “Deb-” “The only thing I’m confident of right now is how much he loves you. You need to look at the four years of friendship you’ve had and how he’s treated you then, rather than… the idiotic way he’s been recently.” We’d never even really argued before any of this. We had been so close for so long and things had been next to perfect for the majority of our time together. She was right, I did need to think about the way things had been before, how he’d been with me, the love he’d shown me and how much he always proved he cared about me. I’d been so wrapped up in his recent actions that it was almost like I’d driven myself to this state of mind where I blocked out how he’d been with me before, maybe as a way of coping, maybe as a way of staying angry with him. I didn’t want to keep caving and forgiving him for the things he’d done without us even having a real discussion about everything, and it was so hard to remain irate when I thought about how wonderful he had been before we got ourselves into this mess. “He’s never been good with this sort of thing, even when he was young. He struggles.” “I know he does, but that’s not an excuse. I tried to hear him out, but that just made me feel worse! And I feel like… I was willing to forgive at first, but he crossed a line. His main worry was me caring about him, so… If he doesn’t want me to… love him, then I won’t! I can’t! I…” I could see that she was getting emotional and overwhelmed, so that then reflected in me. Soon, I was fighting back tears, reaching out for her hand once she’d offered it and squeezing it tightly. I hated seeing that this was upsetting her too because it only reminded me just how special what me and Harry had was, what we’d ruined. There seemed to be something blocking us. We had this inability to fix things and I felt like it was slowly killing me. “You need to talk to him.” “I haven’t heard from him since I kicked him out the other night.” “He told me he doesn’t want to push his luck. Said you mentioned calling the police on him.” “I did.” I lowered my head again. “Would you approach him again? If it had been the other way around? He loves you, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He feels like he’s hurting you.” I exhaled, nodding and accepting what she was saying, because I understood that at least. What had happened the other night had been awful, and I’d been so blunt with him. I’d finalised the situation and told him I wanted him out of my life. I couldn’t blame him for not approaching me again. But even if he did, with the way our past two meetings had gone, I knew it was likely that whatever he had to say for himself would only make me feel worse. Though my head was still a mess, it was clear that the two of us were not on the same page. He was hurting me, and if he wanted to stay away from me to keep himself from hurting me further, that was probably the gutsiest thing he’d done since he kissed me that night. “He’s seen me heartbroken one too many times.” She continued. “I think it scares him a lot, the idea of hurting someone’s heart that way. Especially yours, Lona.” “But he keeps hurting me!” “Never purposefully.” I couldn’t decide if that made me feel any better. The concept of him not being aware that the way he’d been acting and the things he’d been doing would hurt me made me uncomfortable. The thought that his moves had so little thought or care that he wasn’t even thinking of the aftermath of his actions or how I would feel. Yet I knew that to be true. He'd never had any intention of hurting me, whether he had or not. “I’ve never seen him like this. I could barely drag him out of bed today.” Deb spoke calmly, her tone assisting with my composure. “I know he’s acted like a royal fool, but the bottom line is that you two mean too much to each other to let this drag you apart. You mean more to him than anyone else, and I can’t sit by and watch you both… mess it up when you love each other so much. It’s not right. You need to go and speak to him, when you’re both sober.” “He should come to me.” “He’s too worried! He thinks he’s already ruined everything, I know he wouldn’t dare! He thinks you hate him. C’mon, Lona, you know what he’s like. He’s useless with communicating how he feels, but he’s trying. He’s just… doing a bad job of it. Think about it. Think about the boy you know.” I nodded again, wishing I could push the way his actions looked to the back of my mind and piece together what it all meant, what I’d believe he was doing and how he was feeling if I was an outsider and he was acting this way with another girl. “Does he miss me?” I asked to the floor. “To the point where I’m genuinely worried about him.” “You’re always worried about him.” I tittered. “So are you.” “Urgh, I know.” I rolled my eyes. “Deb, I just can’t stop thinking about him.” I felt like nothing I could say would surprise her. I’d been so adamant that I wouldn’t admit out loud that I’d been feeling that way, that he had accompanied every single thought I’d had since the very first time he kissed me, maybe even beforehand, because I felt immensely exposed and naïve and somewhat stupid. Admitting that it had been impossible to get him off my mind almost came as a surprise to me, but she just nodded, like she knew everything that the two of us didn’t. “But I feel like such an idiot,” I started crying fully then. “Because I feel like I’m fighting for a friendship and he’s… fighting for something else.” “Something else?” “When he came to see me the other night I felt like he’d rather kiss me than anything else and I just let him and it was so stupid because… we used to mean so much to each other and now I think he just sees me as someone he can…” I didn’t know how to word it that would feel appropriate for his mother to hear, but she knew full well what I meant, thankfully. “He’s not like that.” She stuck up for him, like I knew she would, like I used to. “But I think we see the best in him, don’t we?” I shot back. “We see the best sides of him because that’s what he gives us. We see the best in him because that’s what we want to see! But he’s still just a boy, and that’s okay! I don’t want to… hate him for that, but I don’t want to be just some girl to him!” She tilted her head to the side, almost like she was on the verge of tutting or rolling her eyes, sighing briefly before she spoke again. “Bellona, you really need to think about what you just said to me, and what that means.”

Max raised to his feet as soon as he saw me, letting myself inside and shooting him an exceptionally shy wave, my heart rate reaching an alarming pace. I cursed repetitively under my breath as I approached him, half regretting my decision to meet him already because I knew I was just going to make a bloody fool of myself and I’d just make things at work twice as awkward as they would have been if I’d just rejected him in the first place. As soon as I got to him, he gently placed his hand on my waist and leaned inwards to plant a very subtle kiss on my left cheek, one that made me feel all sweet and giggly, though I tried to hide it. “Nice to see you outside of work.” Was his chosen opening line, one that felt charming and casual enough to keep me at ease. “You too.” I returned. “You still look really sharp, though!” He glanced down to his outfit like he wasn’t already fully aware of what he’d chosen to put on. He was wearing a crisp white shirt that was so absurdly bright I wondered if he’d bought it especially for the occasion. He’d tucked it into some dark suit pants that were tight fitting, rolled up at the bottom and black Dr Martens on his feet with bright yellow laces. He looked incredible. “Oh, thanks!” He beamed. “You’re not looking too bad yourself.” “I always aim for not too bad, so thank you.” I felt physically sick, so much so that my main aim in those moments was to try not to vomit on the poor boy and just act as normal as possible. He seemed so sweet and so keen on getting to know me and I really didn’t want to put him off, despite not being fully aware what I wanted from dating him anyway. Even sleeping with him was an option since I didn’t plan on staying at work for too much longer! I still knew I’d end up feeling unfortunately attached to him, if that did happen, but at least I wouldn’t be around to face it. And if it meant the possibility of feeling a little less attached to the night I’d had with Harry, that couldn’t be a bad thing. We were sitting ourselves down when I realised that I was shaking so much it was likely he could see my trembles. “M’sorry, I’m really nervous.” There were literal goose-bumps all over my body. “How come?” “I just… never really do this.” “What? Go on dates? Bullshit.” “No, I mean, yeah! I go on dates, but… me and a friend of mine got into the habit of double dating a few years back, so I feel pretty useless on my own.” “Double dating?” He flummoxed. “That sounds… awful.” “Why?” “I just… I think you see so much more of a person when it’s one on one. Even nerves… I see that as a good thing, y’know? I dunno, it might be selfish, but I kinda want you all to myself.” He fashioned a tempting smirk. “I guess it was just a nice… fall-back, which I needed on a lot of those dates! A good escape route, if you will.” I clarified. “And like, the first one we went on, the girl who was supposed to come for him stood him up and I remember thinking… yeah, this is why he wants to do it, because he’s not sat here on his own at least. It cushioned the blow. Felt… safer. I dunno, it’s silly.” There was a certain look in his eyes, one that I was convinced I hadn’t seen for a while; it was a look that said he genuinely was interested in getting to know me, intrigued about what I was saying, crying just to learn more. I felt like maybe I’d recently been craving that kind of attention without fully realising I was. “I promise you, you don’t have anything to worry about with me.” He smiled pleasantly. “No need for an escape route. I promise I won’t… hit you over the head with a hammer or anything.” “Oh god.” I cringed, hiding my face and sloping down in my chair. “I listened to that song, by the way, after your little… breakdown-” “Can we not talk about it?” “-and it’s really weird! I’m really hoping I wasn’t named after it, but I don’t dare ask!” He was putting me at ease with much more speed than I’d been anticipating, setting me off into a fit of giggles over the thought of him being genuinely worried to ask his parents if they’d named him after a mythical murderer. “I made such a fool of myself.” I quailed. “It was endearing as fuck.” He defended. “I thought you were adorable.” “Mm. Suppose that’s a step up from not too bad.” “Next thing, I’ll be calling you beautiful.” “You’ll be lying.” I sneered. “I bloody won’t!” Talking to him that way and being so playful helped me to realise that maybe we’d been flirting at work and I hadn’t noticed, because nothing felt different to how we spoke with one another in the office. He certainly hadn’t called me beautiful before, but the way we were bouncing off one another and quipping was certainly not uncharted territory. It didn’t feel any different to every other conversation we’d had. Excluding the god-awful Maxwell Edison one. I gradually sat myself up again, my cheeks burning as I uncovered my face, wishing he would take his eyes off me for just a second or two so I could relax a little. “So, you want a drink or what?” He asked. “Sure.” “Let’s order these and go find a table somewhere. I hate sitting at the bar all night.” “It makes ordering the drinks so much quicker though!” I enlightened. “You’ve got issues.” He sniggered. Finally, he looked away, turning his head to try and grab the bartender’s attention, giving me the chance to straighten my hair and waft my hand over my face in an attempt to create cool air, the knots in my stomach beginning to loosen. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that way on a date. Usually within the first few minutes I’d already experienced some kind of warning signal telling me it should be a no, but it was actually going really well. I felt like the last time I’d been on a date where I felt so nervous and giggly and gooey was when I’d dated Ash, and even though he’d ended up being a total bastard, for a while we had quite a happy relationship, one I’d cherished. Once we’d ordered and received our drinks, we spotted a table at the back of the bar where I predicted we would spend the rest of our evening, chatting and flirting and possibly, maybe, perhaps sharing a kiss. But as we made our way over there, someone called my name. “Bellona!” I heard, immediately glancing around and searching for the culprit. “Hey, Lona!” All too soon, I spotted who’d asked for my attention, amazed by the friendly smile and wave I was receiving from her. It must have been the most pleasant way she had ever greeted me in her life. Sara. She summoned me over, my feet begging me to run out the door and escape the situation rather than go over to her, but I knew that wasn’t really an option. “Uh… Go sit down,” I turned to Max. “I’ll catch you up in a minute.” “No worries.” He smiled, and went on his way. Awkwardly, I shimmied past table and weaved my way towards her, my stomach forming back into knots so tight I thought I may collapse, questioning how my luck could be so bad. Before I’d even got there, she leaned across the table and spoke to the girl across from her, who swiftly got to her feet and left the situation, sending my nerves skyrocketing. I had no idea what she would even want to say to me, after everything. We’d gotten on well enough when her and Harry were together, but a lot had happened since then and I knew that the whole time she hadn’t been as fond of me as I had maybe thought he she was. “Hey.” I gulped when I reached her. “Hi! Y’alright?” She spoke cheerily. “Mm, are you?” “Yeah, I’m good. Sit down!” She demanded, her voice still bright. I did as I was told, realising I wasn’t just nervous because she’d been with Harry and sort of tried to mess up our friendship, but because I’d fucked her ex-boyfriend on the day she broke up with him! I doubted she knew that and I definitely wasn’t going to tell her, but it was still what had happened, and I was hyper aware of it as I took my place at the table. I had no idea what to say to her, or what she was planning on saying to me, all I knew was that I needed to try a little harder and make conversation with her. “So… how’ve you been?” I asked. “I’ve been fine.” She replied. “The breakups… still a little fresh, but it was the right thing to do.” “M’sorry. Must be… shit.” “How is he?” “Um…” I stalled. “He’s… alright, I think? Not seen too much of him recently. I-I’ve just started a new job so I’ve been busy.” “Congrats!” “Thanks.” I knew were bound to talk about him, because really, he was the only common ground that we shared, but that didn’t make the conversation any easier. I didn’t want to tell her that the two of us weren’t talking, because that would summon questions that I definitely couldn’t answer. But thankfully, it seemed she had something to say herself. “Look, I just wanted to say sorry.” She began rather awkwardly. “With… what happened on Harry’s birthday. Felt like… a bit of an idiot, when I realised you’d tried to… cover my back. It… It was nothing personal, and I’m sorry.” At that point, it felt rather useless being angry with her. She hadn’t needed to try and ruin mine and Harry’s friendship as we were perfectly capable of doing that all by ourselves. So I simply nodded and shrugged a little, praying she didn’t have much else to say for herself because I really wanted to leave. Yet she just sat there, looking across to me as though she was waiting for me to say something, so I plucked up the courage and asked her something that had been playing on my mind. “Why did you break up with him?” Suddenly, her mood lowered, and it finally seemed as though we were on the same level, feeling the same way, just as uncomfortable as each other. She shuffled in her seat, opening her mouth sporadically a few times as though she was about to start talking, but then she’d just stop herself. Eventually, she found the words. “Do you know what it’s like,” She looked down to the table. “To… be with someone and feel like you’re just constantly waiting for them to break up with you? For them to… see sense, and just end things. That’s what being with him was like.” “I don’t-” “It was awful. And I tried so hard. I tried not to be one of those people who couldn’t deal with her fella being friends with a girl, but your friendship is not… it’s not a friendship. It’s more than that, whether you can admit it or not.” I was stunned into silence, just gazing across to her with absolutely nothing to say. I’d denied this same thing so many times, but it had been easier previously. When people used to question our friendship, it was easy to turn around and roll my eyes and think they were foolish, but since then I had kissed him, slept with him, cried more tears over him than I had for any other boy, and made the decision to leave the city I loved most just in the hope of escaping him. So I just stared, dumbfounded. “And that night… for his birthday, I snapped. He was just… yelling at me, telling me how people had tried to ruin your friendship before and that I shouldn’t bother because it would never work. Said you were his priority, and you always would be.” “What… What did you say?” I grumbled. “I told him how much it hurts… loving someone who loves someone else.” She was clearly still a little hurt by what had happened that night. “Called him a coward. Told him he needs to face up to everything and admit that he loves you. Not just loves you, but he’s in love with you.” “He’s not.” “He is. For fuck sake, open your eyes, Lona!” She cried. “He was stood there, in the street outside the restaurant… telling me how much you mean to him… and how if I even tried to get closer to him and push you out, I’d be fighting a losing battle, and I was sick of it! Because that was how I’d felt for our entire relationship, I just couldn’t admit it until he did it for me. No one should be in a relationship and feel like they’re second best, it’s not fair! And he made me feel that way all the time. It was never fully conscious, but he did.” A part of me wished I could tell her how he’d been acting with me recently, how I seemed to have become this girl his drunken mind desired and his sober mind dismissed. I could feel an almost physical pain thanks to the things she was saying to me, piercing through my heart with little care or precision. I wanted to tell her how he’d been acting and the way he’d been treating me because maybe that would silence her and ease the pain. “Y’know, he told me I couldn’t go with him to his home town for his mum’s birthday. Said it was a personal thing, that it was just gunna be the two of them. Then he took you and he didn’t even tell me. I found out from you.” “That was a last-minute thing.” I tried to justify his actions, for the first time in a while. “I only went because I lost my job!” “It doesn’t matter now. I was bored of it, and I told him that night. I’d been drinking so… even though we argued, I left it a while before ending things. I was hoping I was just reading into things and making it something it wasn’t, but I knew. He told me everything that night.” “What d’ya mean?” “I was literally in his face telling him to admit he loves you, and to leave me and save me the fucking agony of waiting for him to want me when all he really wants is you.” “Wh-what did he say?” “Nothing.” She sighed. “He said absolutely nothing. No argument, no protests, no telling me I was wrong. He said nothing.” I had no idea how to gage or accept or fathom what it was she’d just said to me. My current situation appeared to me like a riddle, one I couldn’t even comprehend, where all the words meshed together and barely made sense in the order they were presented to me. For the first time in quite a while, I really wanted to speak to him, to approach him and talk to him about everything, things we hadn’t even acknowledged or admitted to ourselves or one another beforehand. The lines of my life were blurred and I felt like he was the only one who could bring them into focus again. But instead, I was sat there, lifeless and numb and silent, staring into the eyes of his ex-girlfriend who claimed to understand more than either myself or Harry combined could decipher. I felt a hand on my shoulder a few moments later, turning my head to see Max looking down to me, as gentle and kind as ever. “If you wanna do this another time-” He began. “No.” I reacted instantly. “No, it’s okay. We’re done, it’s okay.” I got to my feet, feeling rather lightheaded, both me and Sara weakly attempting to return to normal and break the atmosphere we’d created. “Sorry.” She mumbled one last time. “Me too.” I said, shooting her a smile as Max began heading back to our table. “M’sorry you… felt that way.” “It’s not your fault. Not really.” She shrugged. “Nice to see you.” “You too.” I sighed, and despite everything, it was the truth. As I made my way back to Max, I looked over my shoulder one last time to see her before she was out of sight, watching her friend sit back down at the table, shooting me an unfriendly glare as she did, to which Sara just shook her head. Both my head and my heart had never felt so heavy.

[maylovexhs]

INVISIBLE - PART 3

Author’s Note: SORRY THIS IS LATE BUT I WAS BUSY MULTITASKING WRITING ANYWAYS IM SO HAPPY YOU ALL ARE LOVING THIS SERIES SO FAR AND OF COURSE IM GOING TO CONTINUE IT! HERES PART 3! ENJOY LOVES XXX M

Tags: @loveway4presidentus @faakelanadelrey

Invisible Masterlist

Masterlist

“Hey Siri”

“Yes?” I heard her say.

“FaceTime Isaiah” I said as I continued to search through my shoes.

“Do you mean ‘FaceTime Isaiah My Idiot Annoying Friend?’” Siri asked.

“Yes” I answered her.

“Okay. FaceTiming Isaiah My Idiot Annoying Friend”

I grabbed my converse sneakers and walked away from closet to my bed where my phone sat. I sat down on the bed next to my phone. I started to put on my sneakers.

Isaiah, annoying? All of the time. Isaiah, an idiot? Most of the time. I hoped he wouldn’t be an idiot in this moment. As much as I hated admitting it, I needed his advice.

I was about to go have tea or coffee with Harry, Kendall and their fancy friends. Correction: I was about to go have tea or coffee with Harry, Kendall and their fancy friends meaning that Harry and Kendall will probably be all cute and flirty with each other while their friends judge me and be passive aggressive at me. I was expecting the worse and I needed someone who saw the bright side of things. That person happened to be Isaiah. I mean, who else could get me go to a party I didn’t want to go to in the first place while I had a cut lip and yet managed to get the man I liked to talk to me? Isaiah did. I needed his help. I needed a lot of his help to get me through today. The question was if he wanted to help me. He missing my past five calls pointed to no. It might be last minute but I decided to call him again. I was desperate. I was drowning in my own anxiety.

“Hola. It is I” I heard Isaiah say in a cheery tone.

I looked to my phone to see Isaiah with his Afro hair in a bun. He must have just woken up. He usually had his hair down. I picked up my phone.

“You’re finally awake I see” I commented, referring to my missed calls. “Was your phone off?”

“Yes actually” Isaiah answered. “My sleep is more important than my phone”

I gave him a fake smile.

“Well, thanks for answering last second” I said to him. “I needed your help”

“Oooh” Isaiah said, becoming intrigued. “Are you going to see Harry again?”

“Yup” I answered him. “And Kendall. And all her model high class friends” I added, becoming more sarcastic with each sentence. “This will be fun”

“Wait. . .he’s still with her?” Isaiah asked, surprised. “I thought he would leave her by now”

“Well, we’re both wrong” I told him. “Anyways I need advice. You hung out with her at the party while Harry and I got ice. What did you two talk about?”

“We didn’t” Isaiah answered. “It was only Anna and I talking. Anna left when you two came back. Kendall was just giving us weird looks. Didn’t I tell you this?”

Looks. If she gave Isaiah looks, who did practically nothing to her, what was she going to give me? I’m more to Harry than what Isaiah is.

I looked to my alarm clock that was on my bedside table. 12:34 PM. In less than thirty minutes I was about to see Harry and Kendall. I wanted to back out. I couldn’t. Harry was probably on his way here already.

“I just wanted to give her a look back” Isaiah added. “She was rude”

“Great. I can expect rude looks from her and her friends then” I said, not at all being excited.

“That’s the spirit!” Isaiah cheered me on. “You should bump into her on purpose”

I let out a chuckle.

“I’m not going to do that” I told him. “I’m too kind to. Besides Harry would probably stop talking to me then”

“I still don’t see why. I would do it” Isaiah said. “Get hot coffee on her shirt”

Before I could even respond, our FaceTime got interrupted by another call. Harry was calling.

He couldn’t be here already, could he?

“Oh my god,” I said in fear. “Harry’s calling”

“Answer him then” Isaiah said.

“I don’t want to” I said back. “I’m scared of going now”

“Answer and go Y/N” Isaiah said. “What do you have to lose? They already seen you with a cut lip”

I took a sharp exhale.

“Okay” I said. “But can you call me in an hour? I can’t spend forever there”

“Adios” Isaiah said, hanging up the call on me before he could answer.

I had nothing else to do except answer Harry’s call.

I pressed the green accept button and held the phone to my ear.

“Hi!” I said, trying to be enthusiastic. “Sorry, I answered last second. I was in the middle of something”

“Figur’ed yeh were” Harry admitted. “I’m outside. Do yeh need a moment? I could wait”

“No, no” I answered. “I’m coming down now. I’ll see you in a minute”

“Al’right. I’m right outside” Harry said. “Range Rover”

“Okay. I’m coming” I said.

I pressed the red button, ending the phone call. I looked into my bedroom’s mirror, checking myself for the last time. I think I looked good. I didn’t wear to much gloss. My mascara made my eyes pop out more. I came off as natural. My intention was to be natural. Relaxed. Not worried.

I looked down, tightening my grip on my phone. I let out a sigh.

I shouldn’t worry. What will happen, will happen. I can’t and won’t be able to change it. Can I?

To say the car ride here was me being the most nervous I ever was would be a lie. I actually talked with Harry in the car. I didn’t have to worry about offending anyone. Well, I didn’t have to worry about offending Harry. He always makes me feel safe and welcomed. It was only him and I in the car anyway, unlike here. Here, besides Harry and I, was Kendall, Jeff, Glenne, Hailey, Bella and another Harry. Harry Hudson, to be more specific.

I knew none of them. I mean, I knew who they were and what they did but I actually didn’t know them. I still didn’t understand why Harry thought it was a good idea to bring me along. Apparently, everyone else didn’t understand either. The second Harry and I stepped into Kendall’s place, everyone looked confused. Kendall crossed her arms at the sight of me. I caught a glimpse of her along as Bella, Harry Hudson and Jeff raise their eyebrows at Harry and I in shock. I understood they didn’t expect or want me here but they didn’t have to give me mean looks. They stared at me as if I was a threat, except for Hailey. Hailey came off as nice and sweet the second we met. I think she was the only one who actually didn’t mind I was here or at least I didn’t think I was invisible to her.

I sipped my cup of tea again. It must have been the twentieth time I did so in the last thirty minutes. I was that thirsty to be clear. In fact, the tea was a little bit bitter for me. I had regretted telling Harry I wanted two sugars instead of three. The tea only made the situation worse for me. I would stop drinking but I needed a distraction. Instead of looking at Harry being cuddled up by Kendall, I looked down at my cup of tea. It was a silly distraction but it helped me cope. It was certainly better than crying.

“Our wedding was everything I dreamed of” Hailey continued to gush. “We were both tearing up from happiness during the reception”

I smiled at her story. She was telling me about her and Justin’s wedding that happened two weeks ago. It was an island wedding. Everyone here beside me went. So, of course, she told me about it. I didn’t mind the story. I actually enjoyed it and was glad she was happy. It kind of gave me hope that maybe that we all could have our happily ever after. Maybe. It was a maybe for me.

“It was beautiful” Bella commented. “If it wasn’t for you two, Abel and I wouldn’t get together again after our fight”

“Wait, I thought you two were already together by then” Harry Hudson told her.

“No. We were on a little break before the wedding” Bella said. “Kenny and Harry were too”

Wait . . .Kenny and Harry as in Kendall and Harry? On break? When were they on break? I thought Kendall and Harry began to date the second she left her ex. This didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense unless-

“You’re getting the mixed up” Kendall said to him. “I told you this before on the phone but you never listen”

“I’ll explain” Glenne interrupted. “Kendall and Harry reconnected when she had a fight with Ben. Then she broke things off with Ben and Harry and her got together”

“Told you” Kendall said to him. “Maybe you should listen next time”

Kendall looked to Harry.

“At least we found a way back to each other” Kendall said to him.

Harry smiled at her with his eyes glowing with admiration.

“We always do” He told her.

I turned my head away from them to my cup again.

I was shocked. No, I was astonished. Actually, enraged. It all made sense. It all made sense and I couldn’t believe it. Kendall cheated on her ex with Harry. Then she left him for Harry. She cheated with Harry on her ex. Harry helped her cheat. He did that. He knew that. He rather be with someone who was already with somebody than anyone else. Oh my god.

I felt my bottom lip start to tremble. I felt my eyes start to water. I felt my heart beat faster. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry in front of everyone. Not now. They would immediately relate it to what was just said. I needed a moment. I needed an excuse for a moment.

“Is there a bathroom?” I asked.

Everyone looked to me. Kendall raised an eyebrow at me. She then looked to Hailey.

“Can you show her Hailey?” Kendall asked her.

“Sure” Hailey smiled.

Hailey and I got up from the couch. I followed her as she walked to the bathroom. She opened the door for me.

“Here” Hailey said. “Take your time”

“Thanks” I said to her.

I entered the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I locked it. I bursted into tears, feeling several tears roll down my cheeks. I pressed my hands against my chest, trying to gain a steady breath.

I didn’t understand Harry. How could he do something like that? He chose to be with her when with someone else. Why? Why would anyone do that? Why did he? He could have anyone else but he chose her. Her. Kendall. Why was Kendall better than anyone else? She acts rude to people she doesn’t know. She wasn’t faithful and cheated in her past relationship. She acted so privileged and ignorant at times. It made no sense why Harry would choose her. She wasn’t his type. Harry’s kind and treated people with acceptance and respect. She didn’t. Why would he be with someone like her if she didn’t share his ideals? Why?

I looked into the bathroom mirror. My cheeks were flushed out red with my eyes almost bloodshot. My mascara was starting to run down my face. I had to stop crying. I couldn’t go back out with mascara on my face. I had to fix it. Thank god for Kendall being a model, she left the makeup remover wipes on her shelves. I grabbed some and started to wipe away the mascara stains on my cheeks. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I couldn’t afford to allow myself to cry in the bathroom again. Especially, not in Kendall’s apartment. I had to find a way to leave. I needed an excuse. My family, I thought. Harry knew I had a niece and nephew. He knew how close I must be with them. He could not force me to stay when I have to take care of them in a case of an family emergency. He had to let me go, especially when I would have an Uber outside waiting for me.

I carefully wiped the ruined mascara under my eye off. I could lie about my bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks and say my allergies were acting up. I quickly threw away the used makeup wipes and took my phone out of my back pocket. I unlocked it. I ordered an Uber for myself quickly. I had four minutes until it would be here. Four minutes. Four minutes I had to explain why I had to leave.

I unlocked the door and exited the bathroom. I managed keep my breathing at a steady breath as I walked towards the living room. The sound of laughter made me more anxious of what I was about to say. Before I could say anything, Harry, Hailey and Bella looked to me. Harry and Hailey instantly became concerned at the sight of me. To my surprise, Harry removed himself from Kendall’s arms and got up from the couch, rushing over to me. Hailey got up from the couch too and did the same as me. Kendall stood up as well. She remained behind Harry with her arms crossed. The rest were either too hesitant or confused to do anything.

“Yeh okay?” Harry asked me. “Yeh look like yeh were crying”

“I am” I said. “It’s just my allergies flaring up” I lied.

Kendall squinted her eyes at me.

“Allergies?” Hailey asked. “How bad are your allergies are that it made your eyes red?”

I forced out a chuckle, trying to go on with my lie.

“Very bad” I answered her. “I have to go anyways”

“Yeh have to leave?” Harry asked, sounding a bit hurt. “Yeh just got here”

“It’s a family emergency” I said. “My sister has some sort of virus and wants to go to the hospital. So I have to take care of her kids”

“Ugh, that sucks” Hailey commented. “I was just getting to know you”

“It does” I admitted. “Sorry”

“Maybe Harry could bring you along to the Gucci afterparty later this week” Hailey suggested. “I’ll be there”

Kendall’s eyes widened at Hailey in shock.

“Umm Hail,” Kendall protested. “I don’t think Y/N would want to be dragged to that. It’s crazy there and she wouldn’t know anyone”

Harry looked to Kendall, then to me and finally looked to Hailey.

“I think that’s a good idea, Hailey” Harry said, disagreeing with Kendall. “And she knows us. We’re all friends”

“It’s exclusive though” Kendall pointed out to him. “It’s a miracle you even got in, H”

“Yeah but it said on the card I could bring someone” Harry told her.

Kendall stepped back away from Harry. She raised her eyebrows and looked to Bella. Something told me that wasn’t a good sign. Harry looked to me. His green eyes intimidated me more and more with each passing second.

“Will yeh?” Harry asked me. “Will yeh come with me’h?”

I didn’t know what to say. Yes, if I wanted to still be friends with him despite knowing I will get hurt again and knowing what he had done with Kendall. No, if I wanted to ruin our friendship and him to question my true feelings for him. Both options seemed equally worse.

“I have to think about it” I said to him. “I have to go. My ride is outside. Bye”

I walked away from Harry and Hailey before they could hug me or say goodbye. I walked out of Kendall’s apartment and headed to the elevator. I let out a deep breath.

I’m in love with a cheater. What was wrong with me?

[paladin-andric]

Blackheart, Chapter 23: Sins of the Father

“No!” Basilrin cried defiantly, “You are mistaken! He has never harmed another so!”

“Tell him,” Tourthun demanded, claws digging into the dragon below him, “Tell him your crimes, fiend!”

Aurelio growled, eyes lowered.

“TELL HIM!” Tourthun roared, the entire cavern shaking at his voice.

“I…I only…”

He turned his gaze upwards. His eyes fell upon his son, who smiled at him, waiting expectantly. “Go on! Tell him this is just one large misunderstanding, father!”

Aurelio had to pause to work up the courage to admit everything.

“I am a murderer. Basilrin...it is true. I killed his father.”

“W-what?!” the smaller green dragon backed up, head shaking. “B-but father, you...you would never! You are not like that!”

“Not anymore,” Aurelio admitted, “But I was such a fiend once.”

“I always remembered your face,” Tourthun snarled, “You depraved animal. It is time. You will PAY for what you have done!”

“No, please!”

Basilrin stood tensely, eyes alight with fear and energy. He stared at the other dragon, claws reflexively digging into the ground.

“No one must die this day! Tourthun, do not do this!”

“I have no reason not to,” the red dragon spat back, “The world is better off without this barbarian drawing breath.”

“I...I cannot let this happen. Tourthun, please…”

“I cannot let him walk away!” he answered back. Tourthun glared at Basilrin as he continued, his grip on Aurelio tightening. “He killed my father! He ruined my life!”

“How? How could you do this, father? You are...so kind.”

Aurelio sighed and looked at the his son. “Basilrin...before I took you in, I was a completely different dragon. A much crueler dragon.”

“Took me in…?”

The larger dragon looked away, shame in his eyes. “I wished for you to never know this, but since I am about to be gone from your life...perhaps this will soften the blow: You are not my son, Basilrin.”

Basilrin’s eyes went wide. “What?!”

“Indeed, it is so. At least, not by blood. You see, the day I met you is the same day I slew this one’s father.”

“No...no, father, we are...we share the same scales, the same eyes…”

“A convenient coincidence.”

“But...why?”

Aurelio continued. “When I was younger, I was an idiotic fool who harbored delusions of glory. I was so convinced in proving myself that I sought out a dragon to kill in combat...to prove my might.”

“That is insanity...you preached peace to me all my life.”

“That is because of what I learned. I cut him down, even as he begged. I saw the life leave his eyes. I saw the look of horror in Tourthun’s visage. It was then that I understood the truth. I was no brave warrior, no glorious champion: I was a murderer, a fraud who struck out against the weak and innocent.”

“Father…”

“It was in my manic state fleeing the scene of shame that I happened across you. You had been abandoned, huddled under a tree as rain poured down on you. I must admit...it was a selfish desire for redemption that made me take you home, dearest Basilrin. I took you to the cave, changed my ways, and settled down with dearest Atheni. I wanted never to have to think of my actions ever again, but it seems that this is fate.”

Basilrin shuddered as the truth came out, unable to cope with it. “This cannot be true...this cannot be happening!”

“It is true,” Aurelio assured him, “Basilrin, my son...I beg you, do not interfere. I told you this day would come. I have done so much wrong, and now I answer for it.”

“Enough with your delusions of martyrdom!” the red dragon growled, “You are nothing more than a common villain!”

Aurelio lowered his head in submission. His eyes carried the weight of a great burden, weary and guilt-ridden. “Indeed I am. Go on, than. I understand what must be done. You have earned your vengeance. Tourthun...kill me. I will not resist.”

“Stop this…” Basilrin whimpered, “Somebody, stop this…”

He looked to the others for help. Everyone simply stared at the scene in shock, motionless. Basilrin finally snapped, looking over at the large group of heroes with bared teeth.

“Stop this! Can any of you hear me?! What are you doing?! You will just let this happen?! Do not just stand there! STOP THIS!”

Tourthun’s grip on the other dragon tightened. “Why would they stop a just act? Today, you finally pay for what you’ve done.”

Aurelio looked up at the red dragon with fear in his eyes. “Tourthun, please...can you promise me something, before I die?”

“Why should I humor ANY request from you?!”

“I know, I know, but...I know you are a better person than I. Please...leave Basilrin out of this. I beg of you. He has nothing to do with any of this. Promise, Tourthun, that you will not hurt him.”

The red dragon huffed, his snarl softening. “...very well.”

Aurelio let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. Now...I suppose this is it.”

He closed his eyes and raised his neck to Tourthun, allowing easier access.

“Basilrin...I will miss you.”

“Enough of this!”

One of the others had finally found their voice. Alexander turned to see who it was, and sure enough, it was him.

Andric marched forward, fists at his sides. He approached the trio, standing unafraid.

“This has gone too far. Tourthun, step back.”

“What?!” he glared at the other with obvious fury. “This has not gone far enough!”

“Don’t. Do it.”

The dragon locked eyes with the paladin, who stood motionless, seeming unfazed.

“You...you do not understand what I have gone through...what he has done to me…”

“Everyone does, Tourthun. We ALL just heard it. This isn’t the answer.”

“His pathetic excuses! I have suffered for decades as he got to sit back and enjoy his life, after ruining mine! He deserves this!”

“It won’t make you feel any better. Trust me, Tourthun. I’ve seen this time and again. This is the start of every fall. Vengeance cannot be quenched, and without a target, it will turn into blind hatred.”

“That’s right!” Senci chimed in.

“I do not care! I must enact justice! He must pay for his crimes!”

“You want to make him suffer?”

Crux stepped forward, eyes narrowed. The bounty hunter seemed unconcerned at the dragon’s growing anger.

“Here’s a nice bit of advice for you: There is only one way to make someone so consumed by guilt suffer...make them live with it.”

“Huh…?”

“The shame and heartache must be so horrific, for him to beg for you to kill him like this,” the bounty hunter observed, “Don’t you think he’s taking the easy way out?”

Tourthun shook his head. “That...is not important. I...I must avenge father…”

“Do you really think your father would want this?”

Alexander joined the others, approaching and putting his hands on his hips. “Look around you, Tourthun. Look at what you’re doing. Everything you told me about your father, about what he stood for...he wouldn’t want you to hurt, to kill. That’s what he spent his entire life trying to prevent. He wanted you to live in peace, remember?”

“I...also must protect the small ones from evil dragons.”

“Look at him.”

Tourthun lowered his gaze, down to Aurelio. The green dragon lay limp, wounded and looking weak and pathetic in the smaller dragon’s grasp. He stared up with eyes full of pain and misery.

“Can you honestly call him a threat? The fight’s out of him. He’s lying down and waiting to die. He can’t hurt anyone anymore.”

Tourthun winced at the older dragon’s pleading gaze. “B-but...he still...I want to...he ruined everything!”

“Look.”

Alexander gestured to Basilrin. The other young dragon was shaking and shivering as his father’s life was held in the hands of who he had just called friend.

“He’s his son. Look at the fear, the heartbreak. Tourthun...doesn’t it look familiar?”

With those words, Tourthun’s reality seemed to shift. Suddenly, he was no longer in the park caves.

The cave he was in was something he could recognize immediately. It was the mountaintop sanctuary...where he and his father had lived together.

He could feel a small smile form on his muzzle. Despite everything, this was still his home, his true, original home. Where he had spent the greatest years of his life.

“Tourthun…”

He blinked. He was...holding down Aurelio.

As he looked down however, he saw not Aurelio...but Tamis.

His father.

Feeling a jolt of fear and confusion, the dragon looked over to Basilrin...only the other dragon wasn’t Basilrin. It was instead a red dragon, so small, so very young, a mere child. It watched him in absolute terror, eyes wide and maw agape.

It was himself, from all those years ago.

With a horrifying realization, Tourthun looked down to his own legs. They were, as expected, a bright green.

He was Aurelio.

“You’ll just do the same horrible thing he did to you,” Alexander’s voice explained, wavering and distant, “You’ll ruin his life, too. You’re better than this. Don’t do it.”

He looked over to his younger self, who spoke quietly, his voice unmistakably Basilrin’s.

“Tourthun...please...do not do this…”

The red dragon’s face dropped, his visage one of horrific revelation. The visions of his past faded away, and they were back in the cave once more.

He stumbled backwards, getting off of Aurelio and sinking to the ground. His head lowered as he felt tears in his eyes.

“Tourthun…?” Aurelio sounded shocked as he stared. “You...I thought you…”

“Father!” Basilrin rushed to his father’s side, moving his head and nuzzling against him.

“I-I thought you were going to be…”

“My son…”

The pair shared a moment of love before turning their focus back to Tourthun. He lay crying and dejected, robbed of his chance at vengeance.

“Tourthun...I knew you were good!” Basilrin spoke encouragingly, “You are so kind, so very magnanimous in victory…”

The weeping dragon gritted his teeth as he ignored the compliments. “Why...why did it have to be like this? You have taken everything from me, and now, when I finally find you...you lack granting me even the dignity of a guiltless battle?”

Leianna shook her head, walking up to Tourthun and giving him a stern look. “He’s suffered you, ya know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You forget about his family? His mate is dead, and his own son did the deed. Speaking of which, he was forced to fight his own son, and watch the love of his life die! Come now, Tourthun...you’ve both lost what you love. The only difference is you’re granting him just that little bit of light he has left in his life.”

“Mercy is the mark of a great hero!” Senci offered, giving the dragon a nervous smile.

“It’s also the chief command of God,” Lexius noted quietly.

Tourthun’s eyes watered, but his active weeping stopped. He stared back at them all, appearing conflicted.

“That took serious discipline and courage,” Razorwing cheered, “You’re a very strong person, Tourthun!”

“Can’t say I’d have done the same.” Crux looked at the red dragon with respect, offering a small nod. “I suppose that says something about you, doesn’t it?”

“I can’t imagine life without my father,” Charles chimed in, “To rise above bloodshed despite such horror...you truly are exemplary.”

Tourthun shook his head, the tears returning. “You all...to say such things…”

Andric stepped past him, towards the pair of green dragons. “Come here. Let me see your wounds.”

As the paladin began to heal Aurelio from his scrape with Basilrin’s brother, Alexander walked up to Tourthun, looking him straight in the eyes. He had concerns of his own.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

The dragon was silent.

“Tourthun...if you ever wanna talk about any of this...I’ll sit and listen as long as you like.”

To his surprise, Tourthun’s miserable frown slowly curled into a smile.

“...thank you.”

“No problem.”

The group turned to see Aurelio rise to his feet, looking energized and unharmed. It was a far cry from the exhausted, helpless looking dragon from before. His wings splayed out as he took a deep breath, savoring his newfound strength.

“I cannot thank you enough, noble healer.”

“No problem...but now I want you to help us with that demon! You WILL help, correct?”

“Of course!” Aurelio exclaimed, “I am bound to you by a debt of life! Give me any order and I shall follow it!”

“Very well…” Andric motioned for everyone to leave. “Move out, everyone! We take the fight to the beast at the gates!”

Aurelio looked over at Tourthun as he passed. His eyes seemed to offer a groveling apology all on their own, but Tourthun was having none of it. He glared angrily at the killer, who turned away, overwhelmed with shame.

After he passed, the other dragon approached. He quickly leaned in and nuzzled at Tourthun, something usually reserved for romantic interests and family.

“Basilrin?!”

“Thank you,” he whispered back, “Thank you, Tourthun. Thank you.”

Tourthun didn’t answer, once again conflicted. He still hated Aurelio. The monster had still murdered his father. He had still ruined his life.

“Thank you...he is all I have left,” Basilrin confided, “If you had hurt him...I do not know what I would have done. I...would have had no reason to go on.”

“You would have found a way,” Tourthun muttered bitterly, turning away from the grateful dragon.

“After all...I had to.”

Basilrin blinked, trying his best to push aside any lingering thoughts and thank the other dragon as sincerely as possible.

“I...I will never forget your mercy!” Basilrin cried, even as Tourthun exited the cave.

He stood for a moment, thinking over everything that had just happened. It was clear there was little chance of Tourthun ever really forgiving his father, and yet he couldn’t help but wish for it to happen. Tourthun was so kind, and despite the past, Aurelio was now much the same.

Despite the hard feelings, he wanted so badly for things to move on. He imagined Tourthun joining them in the outside world, the three of them inseparable, all kind souls fighting against injustice and helping one another. All the hurt and pain put aside and forgiven, all living together in love and harmony.

That was clearly an impossible fantasy, but he could start small. Tourthun’s quarrel with his father, not him. He seemed amiable enough to Basilrin himself. Perhaps, with a bit of work...

Is there still a chance of us becoming friends?

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