#justice league shennanigans

[alyakthedorklord]

Back on my genderfuck batcryptid shit (this doesn’t make ANY sense whatsoever)

Some reporter, after a Justice League fight with a villain that happened to be gender non-conforming, being rude about trans ppl, trying to get a comment from the justice league, steamrolling past any and all niceties and no comments, Superman about to pop into a rant that Batman just KNOWS will be twisted out of context and turn into a PR nightmare.

So Batman chooses not to anger, but confuse.

Batman, in his deep gravelly voice: “So I’m a woman then?”

Reporter: “…what?”

Batman, either trans or lying: “you just defined a woman as being capable of carrying a child. I have the biological capability to bear young. Does that make me a woman?”

Some other reporter: “But your name is BatMAN.”

Batman, going all in on the cryptid thing: “Gotham named me. I am partially of the species ‘man.’ Gender is irrelevant to the name. I suppose my womb makes me a woman then.”

Reporter: “I… yes? Yes. Women have wombs. Men have dicks.”

Batman: “Oh. I also have a Dick.”

(Robin falls over cackling)

Reporter: “You what?”

Batman: “What does that make me?”

Wonder Woman, rolling with the punches while the rest of the JL are either confused or trying not to laugh: “Whatever you feel you are, my fellow warrior. Tell me, would you rather I refer to you with She/her? As a shield sister? Or they/them?”

Transphobic reporter, squawking in horror:

Green Lantern, supporting the bit: “We can call you Batwoman!”

Batman: “I would be honored to be referred to as your sister. I do not care what you refer to me as, but I have become used to he/him. And I am keeping Batman. It is the name Gotham gave me. I will not change it for my genitals.”

Transphobic Reporter, pissed now: “But you’re a woman!”

Batman, nodding: “So you have explained. Tell me- when I grow too old to bear young, will I become a man? Is that why it’s called menopause?”

(Robin sits up and cheers)

[august-blake-flynn-wayne]

Heard From Wayne Manor Part 6

TIM: [to Damian] Should I get you a step stool so you can look me in the eyes when you threaten me?

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DICK: I might’ve been lying when I said I didn’t like Babs. ME: Yeah no shit, genius JASON: Congratulations you’re officially the last to know!

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ME: No, Bruce, stop trying to adopt everybody!

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JASON: I’m so done with Bruce right now, I swear to god ME: What’d he do? Ground you, take away your weapons, made you clean your helmet— JASON: I gave him a bag of skittles and he started organizing them by color ME: Oh yeah, he does that a lot JASON: *horrified*

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ANOTHER HERO: Hey uh, maybe we need Batman’s help for this one? ANY OF THE ROBINS: I would literally rather die

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TIM: *cooking* JASON: You’re doing it wrong. Set the burner to high, not medium. TIM: Jason, shut up it’s fine. JASON: You’re still doing it wrong. TIM: Alfred, tell him to stop correcting me ALFRED: He will stop correcting you, Master Tim, when you stop making mistakes

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GREEN LANTERN: How can you not know which is which? SUPERMAN: I mean, that’s unbelievable THE FLASH: Was it Tim? AQUAMAN: Which one is Tim? THE FLASH: Dark hair, with the sarcastic attitude SUPERMAN: No, no, no that’s Jason BRUCE: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either GREEN LANTERN: Well we didn’t adopt any of them

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TIM: How many Damians does it take to change a lightbulb? JASON: Just one. The real question is: how many ladders does he need?

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ME: So, I got detention today. BRUCE: How? ME: The teacher pointed a ruler at me and said “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler.” ME: Then I asked which end JASON: Fuck yeah! *Jason and I fist bump*

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ME: How the hell did you get me mixed up with the boys? BRUCE: Give me a break, you all look the same. ME: LAST TIME I CHECKED I’M FEMALE BRUCE: I think it’s the eyes ME: I HAVE BROWN EYES BRUCE

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SOMEONE: *about Bruce* There’s no way he’s a dad ALL OF THE BATKIDS: He’s a dad

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BRUCE: Where are you going? JASON: To either get Ice Cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide in the car

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TIM: Do you think I could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth? DAMIAN: You’re a hazard to society ME: And a coward, do twenty

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*at Roy’s place* ME: Babe, do you want some dinner? ROY: What are my options? ME: Yes or fucking no?

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ROY: Fuck you! JASON: Fuck you too! ME: *fed up* Then just go get a room and fuck each other people here have work to do!

[brokenhardies]

alternate emissary faq that i just figured out and could be coming from a place of pure righteous anger at myself for overcomplicating shit;

if you want to know what the justice league, the avengers, thanos and etc. are doing in the emissary verse... make your own fic! this universe is solely created for me to write my mary sue self insert interacting with my favourite characters - one of which in a franchise i like and the other one in a franchise im more indifferent towards - and other characters being brought up or included are solely incidental!

i dont know nor do i care what amber was doing during the infinity saga because its not important what is important is that she’s friends with all the characters i like and is so overpowered it goes right around into ridiculous, and if that means not being involved in any avengers related shennanigans, thats a bonus for me. thank you for coming to my ted talk and fuck my uni brain for making me overcomplicate everything!

[hostbusters]

yknow i think ive been thinking about this since 2015 but wheres the flash/arrow fic where bruce wayne, an old “pal” of olivers shows up and flirts with barry and makes oliver jealous/realise he got a cruuuush, anyway there’s obviously some kind of superhero thing that happens and they are all like wtf youre batman and like. they come out as friends but oliver finally gets the nerve to ask barry out in the end

[comicchats]

Current mood:

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PISSED AT HOW THE WRITERS ARE TREATING ALL MY FAVOURITY DC CHARACTERS!!!

Damian, Wallace and Emi just can't get a break from the TERRIBLE writing in Teen Titans, can they. It wouldn't even have been so bad had Emi still had a second title in GA, had Wallace been treated a little better in Flash, and had this entire mess not been created by the fact that the writers want Damian to end up fighting with Bruce SO BADLY.

Honesltly, the team had a good premise, and I love the fact that no one in the current TT run is white, but it's all ruined by the desire to create DRAMA. I don't care about Roundhouse hating Damian for no bloody reason, I just want to see his friendship with Wallace, I don't care about Djinn suddenly deciding that the thing she did willingly was Damian manipulating her (which we have NO evidence of), I want her to explore being free. AND I WANT CRUSH TO HAVE A PERSONALITY OUTSIDE OF HER CRUSH.

The Outlaws are just as bad, just give me the shennanigans of friends going around the world to stop crime. Seriously, while the Caste has an interesting premise, it's something I would like to see in a Red Hood solo comic, not a team up comic. Same thing with the Villain kids. I honestly love them, but they did not belong in the Outlaws team.

I'm not even going to mention how much the fact that Nightwing got shot which ended up benching the Titans just after they'd finally found some sort of footing pissed me off. (Except I just sorta did)

Also: ROY DESERVES BETTER!!!

And then we have the YJ series and What. The. Hell. Cissie had retired, right? WHY IS SHE HERE???

Give Kon a break. For the love of GOD.

I sorta like Jackson Hyde, Steph and Sideways joining YJ, honestly, I have beem begging for one of the Batgirls to join a non-Gotham centric team for ages.

But I just can't bring myself to like the Teen Lantern girl. I mean, that name alone...

We all know the main problem with Tim's character development (*cough* Drake *cough*) but seriously. JUST LET TIM AND STEPH ATTEND COLLEGE. MAYBE BE VIGILANTES THERE!!!

Also, they did NOT do that to Bart. They not let him escape from the timestream only to find out Wally had murdered someone and had gone missing. NO WAY.

And about that: JUST REUNITE WALLY WITH HIS KIDS AND LINDA ALREADY, THANK YOU

And literally any and everything about the way they're handling Green Arrow in relation to the Justice League and Batman in relation to his family PISSES ME OFF.

Oh, and if Batgirl's writing team doesn't improve I will die. Barbara Gordon deserves SO MUCH better.

[alyakthedorklord]

Part 3 of Batman the Playboy, in which I change my mind about the reveal in part 2:

Batman: “So you didn’t notice?”

-justice league record scratches-

GL, horrified: “No. there’s no way, there’s absolutely no way…”

Batman’s grin would fit better on a supervillain, before he suddenly, miraculously, transforms. He leans back, tilts his head, the smirk isn’t evil but instead inviting and amused: “Really, Mr. Jordan, your job is just so fascinating… tell me more about planes…”

GL: 😨

Batman, turning on the rest of the league, one by one, changing his body language ever so slightly for each person: “Mr. Allen, I do hope you’ll entertain me again if I’m ever back in central, I had a grand time. Dinah darling, I stand by what I said, Ollie was SO much nicer to kiss when we were in college. Princess, the boys and I are in your debt. Mr. Jones…”

Batman’s mind goes no thoughts, head empty. Martian Manhunter is both impressed and embarrassed, nodding in understanding as Batman turns to the final hero, smiling sweetly, brain still empty as a blank sheet of paper: “And, Mr. Kent…”

Batman steps closer, hand on Superman’s chest, hip cocked, Brucie Wayne smile in full effect: “Our conversation got… cut off, the other night, because I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with me going further, which is a damn shame. Call on me, won’t you?”

Superman, realizing why a very eager Brucie Wayne stopped their makeout session short: “…huh? OH- um.. uh huh.”

Green Arrow, short circuiting: “No fucking- BRUCIE? How? How is that possible?”

Batman, backing away from a shutdown superman, the physical mask on his face hardly the most effective one in his arsenal: “Because I’m Batman.”

Bonus for @help-i-need-a-cool-username: Hal Jordan STILL doesn’t know who bruce wayne is.

a few months later:

GL: “So this big old money billionaire guy in gotham is connected to this, i think he’s called Wayne or smth.”

Justice league: “…”

Flash, had a FULL DAY of Brucie and was VERY aware of who he was with: “Uh… Hal?”

Green Lantern, who heard Bruce’s name in passing, while distracted, under loud club music + has tried to erase that night from his memory: “what?”

Batman, under his breath: “We can find your secret identity so easily, batman, you’re not that good, Batman, we’re just being polite, Batman.” Sure you fucking can, Jordan. You know, it’s polite to remember the names of people who you’ve fondled.”

[alyakthedorklord]

Agent D to watchtower

(Fic)

Flash And Green Lantern, bored, stuck on monitor duty at the watchtower, cheerfully badmouthing batman together when a notification rings through the room.

Hal snaps to attention, because notifications on monitor duty don’t usually mean good things, but at least they’re things.

Oh holy crap that’s Batman’s caller ID.

Green Lantern and the Flash do NOT scramble like kids caught staying up badmouthing a parent at a sleepover, sending chips and cookies flying. They are professional world savers. Incredibly powerful men. Yep.

“Batman!” The Flash squeaks. “Whats- uh. Whats the situation?”

Whatever it is has to be dire. Batman never calls for help, ever. So it has to be a really big problem. Unless he’s spying on them. And is about to growl at them for talking behind his back.

The line is silent for a few moments, just long enough for Hal and Flash to trade terrified looks, and then…

“This is Agent D, reporting in.”

That voice is not Batman.

It’s not Batman’s deep, growly baritone. It’s slightly accented, boyish and light, despite the serious tone to it as whoever the voice belongs to whispers into the communicator.

Too young. Far too young. Thats a kid.

Hal checks the ID- yep, this is Batman’s communicator. How on earth does this kid have it?

“Uh… nice to meet you, Agent D. Can you tell me what’s going on? How are you calling us right now?”

“I’m deep in enemy territory.” The kid whispers, which isn’t really an answer but definitely catches Hal’s attention. The kid is whispering like he’s scared someone- or something- will hear him. “The darkness is endless. Any and all sound travels here- it’s a massive echo chamber. This is his territory. I’m not sure if I’ll make it out of these caves- if he hears me, I’m done for.”

“Whoa, whoa, hang on.” Hal says quickly, eyes wide as he stares at the indicator on the screen. “What’s going on? Where are you? Do you need help?”

“Negative on the extraction.” What the hell? Who is this kid? Who taught him to talk like that? “It’s too late for me. But I have urgent info the Justice League needs to hear!”

Hal and Flash exchange a concerned look. The kid knows he’s got a Justice League communicator. It isn’t just some random thing he’s picked up.

“We’re all ears, kid.” Flash says.

“Alright,” the kid says seriously, taking a breath like he’s bracing himself for the words he’s about to say, Hal and Flash leaning closer to the monitor as they wait for whatever he has to say. “Batman…”

“…is a butthead.”

Hal stares at the monitor.

Flash stares at the monitor.

“…what?”

“Batman is a butthead.” The kid repeats. “A stinky butthead. He’s mean and old and dumb and a big butt.”

Is there something in his ears? Is there something in the Doritos making him hallucinate? Did a kid really steal Batman’s Justice League Communicator to call him a butthead?

“He’s such a big butthead, we should call him Buttman instead of Batman.” The kid is saying, glee seeping into his serious tone. “There goes Buttman, in the Buttmobile.”

“These are-” Hal begins, then has to stop to let out a laugh or else he won’t be able to maintain a serious voice for the game they’re apparently playing. Flash has his hands pressed over his mouth, shaking. “These are serious claims, Agent D. Do you have any proof?”

“Yes!” Agent D announces. “He makes me wear PANTS and do GRAMMAR! And! And last Wednesday he wouldn’t let me have dessert, and he won’t take me on patrol with him, and! He was mean to Agent A! Even though Agent A is just worried about him because he got hit on the head and got a concussion because he doesn’t have a skull to protect his brain and his head is all squishy like a Butt!”

Hal is nearly crying with the effort it takes to hold in his laughter, clutching onto the desk for support. Thankfully, the Flash has recovered enough to play along with a shocked gasp.

“Is that why he wears that Armored Cowl?” He asks Agent D. “To protect his squishy head?”

“Yes.” The kid insists, voice dripping with vicious glee. “I saw him take it off once and he doesn’t have any hair. He’s wearing underpants on his butt head.”

“Is it… is it special underwear? Or just normal?” Flash asks, grinning madly and shaking as well. “He doesn’t have legs on his head to wear it right, so-”

“The ears on his cowl are the legs.” The kid says immediately.

That mental image is enough to bring Flash down to the floor beside Hal, cackling madly. They get ahold of themselves, swallowing down their laughter to get back to the kid, but then they lock eyes, setting them off all over again as Agent D’s giggles echo through the comm line above them.

“I can’t- oh god, I can’t breathe.” Hal gasps, clutching at his chest. “Fu- um, gosh, I needed that.”

“I’m never going to be able to look him in the eye again.” Flash wheezes. “That’s an image that’s going to stay with me forever.”

“Good. Memorize it: this information will not be repeated.” The kid says seriously, deepening his voice in what is clearly meant to imitate Batman. Flash cackles again.

“In all seriousness, kid.” Hal says, crawling his way up to the desk to stare in bewilderment at Batman’s caller ID. “Where did you get this communicator? It’s meant to be a secure line. Emergencies.”

“Well,” Agent D says, voice lightening out of his Batman imitation and into a tone of sweet, angelic innocence, “he shouldn’t have left it out in the open then.”

“I didn’t.”

Both Hal and the Flash freeze, hearts stopping in their chests at the familiar angry growl.

Batman.

“Uh oh.” Agent D mutters.

The next thing they hear is the flurry of motion- the thump of the communicator being jughled, the scraping of cloth and shoe on stone, the whoosh of the communicator being swung through the air, and the patter of feet running full tilt.

“ROBIN!” Batman’s voice shouts, the only response a cackle of young laughter.

“Run, little man!” The Flash urges, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Go go go!”

“It’s too late!” Agent D shrieks. “It’s too late! The Buttman is coming! Remember me! I sacrificed myself for the greater good! Like the spies who got the death star plans! Remember me!”

“It’s not over yet!” Hal cheers, even if he knows theres no escaping Batman. “Evasive maneuvers! Keep going!”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” Agent D bellows, but a moment later the sound of running is cut off with two grunts, one much deeper than the other, and the sound of a scuffle.

Scrabbling and slapping of little kid hands on kevlar armor can be heard between thumps of the microphone hitting something. Finally, the sound settles, enough for Hal and Flash to hear Batman mutter, “you sure about that?” as Agent D groans dramatically.

A moment later, Batman’s voice comes over the communicator clearly for the first time.

“Batman to Watchtower.” he says, voice flat and businesslike as ever despite the kid gighling madly in the background. “Comms have been compromised.”

“We noticed.” Hal smirks. And Batman was the first to let the secure line get infiltrated! He’s never letting him live this down.

“The perpetrator has been apprehended, and will be punished accordingly.”

“Aww, no, Batman, come on.” Flash wheedles on behalf of his new buddy. Hal is kind of worried too- Batman won’t be too hard on the kid, will he? “Agent D was just having some fun!”

“Yeah, don’t be a butthead!” Agent D shouts, before giggling again.

“You know you’re not supposed to be down here alone.” Batman grumbles. “This is probably one of the safer things you could have picked up. And it can send a distress signal that can summon the entire justice league. What would you have done if Superman decided to smash his way through the cave?”

“I know how to use it!” Agent D complains. “I’m not stupid! I’m good with technology, and you showed me how in case of emergencies!”

“And this was an emergency?”

“A boredom emergency.” Oh god, Agent D is sassing Batman.

“Seriously, Spooky.” Hal interrupts, because he’s actually a little worried for Agent D, “whats his sentence?”

Batman huffs, and then there’s a grunt and a small oof like he’s readjusting his grip on Agent D. “Considering this isn’t his first offense of the night…”

“I’ve done nothing! I’m innocent! I want a lawyer!” The sounds of struggling come through the communicator, but Hal doesn’t think it’s working very well. The kid is trying to escape Batman, after all. “You’re always saying we can’t be judge, jury, and executioner! Put your money where your mouth is! I want a lawyer!”

“Alright.” Batman hums, much to Hal’s shock. Is he really playing along with the kid? “Green Lantern. I’m promoting you to Lawyer. Answer my next question carefully.”

Still a little shocked, all Hal can say is, “um… okay?”

“What is twenty-four minus twenty-four?”

Hal frowns. That doesn’t sound like a lawyer question. “Excuse me?”

“Twenty-four minus twenty-four.” Batman repeats.

“Uh… zero?” Why does Batman need him to say this? Doesn’t he know math? Can’t he whip a calculator off that belt of his? It wouldn’t surprise Hal in the slightest. Hardly the weirdest thing Batman’s got on there.

“Lets add some words to that problem.” Batman growls. “If I had twenty-four cookies before someone was left unsupervised in the kitchen, and none after… then how many cookies are currently rallying for a stomachache against Agent D?”

Hal won’t lie. That’s impressive. The kid doesn’t sound grown enough to have a big stomach. “Twenty-four.”

“No!” Agent D shrieks. “No!”

“Sounds like an admission of guilt from your lawyer.” Batman growls. Oops. Hal forgot that was his job! He should have dodged the question!

“No! Leading the witness! Your question was a trick!” Agent D shouts, in an impressive show of melodramatics. “I want a better lawyer! This one sucks! I bet this guy didn’t even go to law school! Also, he wasn’t given all the relevant evidence or time to prepare his arguments! ALSO also he was appointed by the opposition! Rigged jury! I want a retrial!”

How old is this kid?

“Nope, too late. Welcome to Gotham, chum.” Batman huffs. “Now then, stealing a Justice League Communicator, eating all of the cookies, which were meant for both of us and I was very much looking forwards to, and calling me… Buttman.”

He growls the last word, and Hal watches Flashes fist teleport to his mouth to hold in the bark of laughter threatening to escape. The serious way he said that stupid name… even Agent D has stopped his dramatics in the face of the court to cackle!

“Don’t laugh.” Batman growls, in exactly the same tone that made them laugh in the first place. “I am deciding your punishment.”

“You can’t do anything!” Agent D jeers. “I already told the Justice League that you were actually a Butthead! I’ve eaten all the cookies! All twenty-four tasty, tasty cookies and you can’t have any! I’ve won! There’s nothing you can do! You’ll never get your cookies back!”

“Is that so?” Batman hums, and if Hal didn’t know better, he might think Spooky was smiling. “Well then. I guess I’ll have to tickle you until you toss your cookies.”

“Wait- no!” The kid shrieks, and then the communicator breaks off into peals of desperate, full bellied laughter, interspaced with pleas for mercy and one final, deep voiced line.

“Batman, out.”

The comm channel is cut, leaving the Watchtower’s occupants in an echoing, shocked silence.

Tickles? TICKLES? Batman, the hardass of the Justice League, the no-nonsense, work no play, spooky scary bastard… left his communicator where a kid could get it. A kid who stole all of Batman’s cookies. Who Batman retaliated against for stealing his cookies with tickles.

And his voice had been… not non-growly, but lighter than Hal has ever heard it. Ever. The kid had seemed completely at ease with him, mocking him, grumbling about homework and treats. It was almost as if…

“Oh my god Batman is a dad.” Hal whispers into the silent room, eyes wide. “This is the greatest thing to happen to me ever. I’m so glad I decided to stay to keep you company.”

“So am i, so you can tell me later i didn’t hallucinate that.” Flash says fervently. “He’s a dad. He’s a dad to the giggliest kid I have ever heard in my life.”

“He punished his kid with TICKLES.” Hal wheezes. “His kid calls him a butthead for making him do homework- oh my GOD. His kid grabbed a JUSTICE LEAGUE COMMUNICATOR- he knew exactly what that thing was!”

“Came on the line like a proper secret agent!” F agrees, vibrating. “Oh my god, please tell me we have that saved. Do we have that saved?”

“Quick- before spooky deletes it!”

[alyakthedorklord]

Batman the Playboy

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”

———

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)

Edit: there have been a bunch of awesome additions in the notes! My own take here.