#batman the playboy

[alyakthedorklord]

Batman the Playboy

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”

———

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)

Edit: there have been a bunch of awesome additions in the notes! My own take here.

[puppetmaster13u]

So I am slowly rotating actually writing THIS but am still rotating some things. Any ideas for clothing or familiars/pets or anything? I do already have scrys for each of the characters included. Which I might reblog this with later. But I'm open to more ideas too.

Also have another link in case the first doesn't work lol

[bbbbbbbbatman]

Bruce gets accosted by reporters and one of them asks "Is it true that you're in competition with Superman to win Batman's affections?" and he is so taken aback bc what the fuck are they even talking about? There are a million questions going through his head such as, since when was superman into batman? since when was this public knowledge? wtf did bruce say to imply that he was into batman as well? And he doesn't have an answer to any of these questions so he just smiles and says, "No, I'm not. The word competition implies that Superman has a chance, which he does not."

why did he say that? Bruce doesn't know, it just felt like that's how Bruce Wayne would've responded bc what's more Brucie than fighting with Superman for Batman's heart? anyway, upon reflection, this was maybe not the best response in terms of long term consequences, but he's committed to the bit now.

a week after all this goes down, news reporter Clark Kent is caught saying that Batman deserves better than Bruce Wayne, so is a third suitor putting his hat in the ring to win over batman?

[confused-wanderer]

All the bats have their own ways of addressing other people.

Dick uses “kid, kiddo, buddy, friend”

Jason is similar, using “hey, kid, fucker”

Tim uses “you, *insert guys name or meme referring to guy*”

Stephanie uses “honey, friend, bud, *insert funny nickname*”

Damian uses “you,*insert what he considers whoever he’s talking to’s biggest flaw*

But Batman?

Batman uses “Love, princess, darling”

That’s how all the thirst traps started.

[hehether]

I'd like JLA and Avengers to meet someday 🗣

[ggvannba]

i dont rlly like how bruce looks but its too late to care atp💔

[laracrofted]

everyone shut up, i have a vision x

[violent138]

Bruce Wayne, doing an interview after his secret identity got leaked: "Yes I've been operating for several years-- what? Why do you look so horrified?"

The reporter: "It's so weird hearing you speak without the Brucie voice."

Bruce:...

Bruce, changing his voice to be more amused and higher pitched: "Can we get back to the interview now?"

Reporter: "Was everything a lie?"

[robinverse]

Tim Drake’s Red Robin run is sick as fuck he was inhaling the maximum dose of Copium, running on fumes and certified Mentally Insane and still was getting bitches left and right.

[alyakthedorklord]

Omg literally it would be SO cool if you wrote the rest of the playboy bruce trying to kiss the justice league without them realizing it (I know you said figure it out but the way you wrote it was so good and funn I would love it if you gave maybe a couple of scenarios)

Lmao honestly executive dysfunction is kicking my ASS rn and it was intended as a prompt. I will try tho, definitely taking inspiration from the others who responded to the post because I love them.

If you haven’t, go check out the notes on the OG Post above! @britcision, @ivywing, and @help-i-need-a-cool-username all had amazing additions and @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego wrote a fic:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/48325771

As did @scrapcheck, still in progress

And Devilhorn!

Anyways LONG post under the cut

Hal Jordan

Hal is first to prove a POINT, as @britcision decided. Also because the bastard made it waaaay too easy. Remember- Hal was Joking. He genuinely thinks Batman isn’t going to try, because he’s way too straight-laced boring.

So when he’s at a bar in Coast City, and he sees this absolutely ravishing man lounging casually against the wall, bar lighting making him practically glow (he CALCULATED that) subtle makeup making his bright blue eyes pop as he looks Hal up and down… Well. Hal makes the first move.

Hal: “All on your own, handsome?”

Bruce, with “Mastermind” by Taylor Swift playing in his head, smiling sweetly at Hal: “Care to change that?”

They start talking. Hal doesn’t recognize Bruce Wayne at ALL (canonically he does not know who Bruce Wayne is, a point brought up by @help-i-need-a-cool-username) so all he knows is Bruce is a single father who works at a company he inherited from his parents, which is just (brucie voice) “so much less interesting than a test pilot!”

Bruce, grimacing internally but wrapped around Hal’s arm with the awed and interested eyes in full effect: “you have such a nice voice, tell me more about planes…”

He KNOWS what a fuselage is, thank you, Jordan. Whatever. He gets to gush about his kids, when its his turn to talk, good enough tradeoff. He can survive Hal Jordan’s bad pick up lines and pretend he’s into them. At a certain point Bruce breaks and kisses him just to shut him up. One down.

Diana Prince

I looked it up- kissing in Ancient Greece wasn’t always considered romantic, but also a greeting between two similarly-ranked people. Therefore, I think Diana would be pretty chill with kissing and honestly an easy target at a gala if Bruce plays respectful/clumsy/earnest himbo starstruck with the tall pretty woman, just a peck would make him the happiest man alive. But I wanna go a little more in depth.

Now, I’ve seen Flash and Martian Manhunter save Bruce and/or his kids and Bruce lays one on them, but honestly I think it would work well with Diana too, because she loves kids. Dick and/or Jason (whichever you want to imagine, I want them to team up screw canon) are WAY to excited for this, they’ve got a little script and everything.

WonderWoman, a kid in each arm, delivering them back to their tearful guardian: “Here we are, Mr. Wayne. Whole and healthy.”

Dick, playing into his role eagerly: “Oh my gosh, Bruce! Bruce we got saved by a princess! It’s like a fairytale! Except, you know, the princess is the hero this time, which is so freaking cool!”

Bruce, tears of gratitude rolling down his face (and he knows how to still look perfect while crying, its a skill): “I’m just glad the two of you are safe, Chum.”

Jason, big baby blues in full effect, absolutely asked Wonder Woman to be his mom earlier (to set groundwork, no other reason): “You know, usually the princess and the hero gets a kiss at the end of a fairytale, Bruce. But this princess is both. So how will she get a reward?”

Still choked up with relieved tears and now laughter, Bruce looks up at Diana and smiles: “Well, if the Princess wants a reward… then I would be a fool to refuse.”

Bruce kisses her on the lips, Dick and Jason both kiss her cheeks, Diana leaves charmed and amused by the sweet family. Such a good father, humoring his children and thier little fascination with her, so very respectful…

Two down.

J’ohn Jones

Okay, martians are telepathic. So this goes one of two ways, at some sort of charity or something-

Option 1, Batman is a realist: the charity event is a masquerade, and he wanders over to where MM is while thinking “it would be so funny, give me this.” As loudly as he can. And Martian Manhunter, who appreciates the audacity, gives him a kiss. (I don’t like this one because it technically breaks the rules of the bet, bc MM knows it’s Batman, but eh)

Option 2, Batman is a different breed: he manages to up the ante with his Himbo Persona. Creating a “slippery void” mental facade that blocks of his real thoughts and makes him read as really just that stupid. This would require functioning with two trains of thought at once, and making sure that the Martian can only read the surface level, “oh, this one is pretty” “I really wouldn’t mind kissing him” and other such decoy thoughts, instead of “target is approaching, signs of interest present despite this not being his natural form-“

Bruce also researches and copies Martian courting styles and copies them “by chance,” catching MM’s attention. (He offers him Oreos)

Martian Manhunter: “this man… he is so empty headed and yet clearly kind and willing. I would not take him for a life partner, but for some simple fun as he seems to desire…”

(Edit: Maybe, if B is confident enough, he lets through his loneliness. Missing his parents, wanting affection, an ache so strong it’s like a physical wound. J’onn feels the same ache for his lost family, and decides to try this human’s strategy to fill that void. Either way…)

Batman 3, League 0

Barry Allen

I’m strangely blank when it comes to the Flash let me just spitball and let it snowball

As I said above, people have had him save Bruce, had Bruce seduce him at his workplace while taking a tour, I even saw @help-i-need-a-cool-username have Dick set up a petition for Bruce to kiss the Flash. (An idea that I personally think would also go really well with Superman lmao.)

Anyways, I think it would be funny for Bruce to take it slow with Barry. For the irony of it all. Because Batman is doing this to prove a POINT. So he’s in central city, spots Barry coming his way, and “accidentally” slips right into his arms. Ooh, or covered in coffee, like a wealth disparity drama base script, and Barry’s like “omg i am so sorry let me pay you back.” And bruce is all “this shirt costs (stupid amount of money)”

Barry: (fear)

Bruce, rolling with it rn: “yes, it is horrendous, isn’t it? Hows this- I’m in central city for a day. You can pay me back by showing me around?”

He then proceeds to string barry along on an honest to god DATE for shits and giggles. They go clothes shopping, they go to restaurants, Bruce pays for a big meal bc this is after a fight or something and Barry got hurt, his speedster comrade needs to EAT, damnit.

After all this, he gives a cheeky smile and lightly smooches Barry. “Thanks for the fun day, Mr. Allen.”

Barry, bright red and goo brained: “hah- mmhmm. Yeah…”

Batman 4, League 0

Oliver Queen

This one… Oliver is on guard. He’s twitchy and suspicious, turning down men flirting with him, people are starting to notice. But Bruce? Bruce just walks up at a party while “tipsy” and lays one on him. Straight up. He wants to show just how EASY it is. Because Oliver doesn't even register it. He just laughs and goes: “Hey Brucie! Miss me?”

Batman 5, League 0

Dinah Lance

Of course, immediately after above, he turns and pouts at canary.

Bruce: “Dinah darling, you are a saint, I don’t know how you put up with the mess he’s got on his face. He was so much nicer to kiss when we were in (fancy private school name drop) together and didn’t have all this nonsense.”

Dinah, laughing at Ollie’s offended noises: “Oh, I don’t mind it. He’s a good kisser.”

Bruce: “Of course he is, I taught him. Care to compare?”

Dinah: “Don’t mind if I do.”

Batman 6, league 0

Clark Kent

For Clark, Bruce is originally talking to Lois before he turns his eyes on a quiet Clark and croons: “So, Miss Lane, does this lovely specimen have his own questions, or is he arm candy? And if he’s the latter, can I either tempt him off you, or secure an invitation?”

Lois, an excellent friend who will absolutely set Clark up with the hottest bachelor in Gotham: “Well, Mister Wayne, I’ve got all I need. Clark, take a page from my book and honeytrap a good quote out of him, hm?”

With an obnoxious wink, she pats a spluttering Clark on the shoulder, and leaves him with a very smug Batman.

(Bonus Superbat- Clark and Bruce’s conversation is going REALLY WELL and to the point where both of them seem on board with more than a heavy makeout when Bruce puts a hand on Clarks chest.

Bruce: “Stop.”

Clark, freezing immediately: “I’m sorry, did I go too far-?”

Bruce: “No, no. I think I might be though. See, I have all of you now, and I’ve won the bet.”

Clark: “What are you- oh. Oh- HUH?”

Cue sudden and shocked revelation, Clark’s mind going a hundred miles an hour, and then skidding to a stop on- he only did this for the bet. He’s not really interested. He stopped because I went too far-

Bruce: “You only consented to a kiss without knowing my identity. Right now, I’d like to do more, if you’d let me.”

Clark has the dial-up tone ringing in his ears, he has no idea whats going on anymore, the hot billionaire and his reclusive teammate aren’t quite slotting into place, because he wants both but rhey’re so different but they’re the same but-

“Yes.”

Lois doesn’t get Clark back that night and she is delighted.)

Anyways, final results:

Batman: 7

League: 0

Reveal:

Batman talking shit about their secret identities again, Green Lantern is scoffing about it again, says something along the lines of: “You still think you’re sooooo great, huh? Hows the bet going, spooky?” Fully expecting Batman to get huffy with him.

Instead, Batman smirks.

He leans in

And purrs: “So you didn’t notice?”

The League freezes. The implications are dangling over their head. Did he… did he really?

Green Lantern, absolutely terrified: “No. no, there’s no way…”

Batman: “Oh, there absolutely was a way. I’d say you were a good kisser, but honestly? I think it might have been the euphoria of getting you to shut up.”

He turns on the rest of the league, still smirking. “I have kissed every single person who consented at least once in the time since the bet was made. Two of you with tongue. And no one has called me out on it. Now that you know it’s happened, you should be able to figure me out, so whoever can tell me my real name first, wont get thier story used as an example in the brand new “how to avoid honeypots” seminar.”

(If bonus superbat, B shoots Superman a Look and goes “except for you, superman, because I told you my name.” Which just ends up distracting everyone else until they get THAT story)

Diana wins bc she matched up the boys to the robins. Everyone else gets their stories told in excruciating detail. Batman rates them by kissing ability and how obvious he was on his approach. Oliver gets docked points for “texture.” Dinah gets docked points because “i griped about the exact same thing in and out of costume, how did you not notice-“

(Different reveal below)

@chaos-n-kindness @she-went-that-way @geekonaleash @redh00dsbf @howabouticallyou

[puppetmaster13u]

<- A/B/O Anon

HI- *coughs* well, they aren’t exactly headcanons, just ideas I have that I wanna chat about.

I’m on a big Omega!Bruce kick so here they are. (these can or can’t be connected but I do love the idea of them being connected)

1. Brucie Wayne is a known Omega, one that flits from date to date. The thing is, Batman is known as an omega too. This time he’s the embodiment of an Omegan Mom protecting their nest Territory from all threats. Like Omegas used to do in the Olden Times™️, feral behavior and scenting is common >:3

2. A/B/O Dynamics don’t actually exist outside Gotham. Sure, some Gothamites have moved out so A/B/O is known, but isn’t seen outside Gothamites.

So when Dick Grayson came to Gotham he was very confused and didn’t really understand what was going on.

When Bruce eventually scoops him up and brings him home, Dick is even more confused. Atleast in Juvie the A/B/O behaviors were stifled except for posturing, but now outside of Juvie? In the home of an Omega? He’s gonna get the full brunt of Bruce both fussing over him and trying his best to not cross the line of Bruce being his Pack Guardian and not Pack Omega. (Either way, for Dick it’s very much smothering)

It doesn’t click for Bruce or Alfred until Bruce comes sulking to Alfred about his pup being broken and not even accepting being scented! Doesn’t Dick want to feel safe??? No one’s going to touch Dick if he’s smothered in Wayne Scent!!! (Maybe eventually Dick gets startled when he starts to instinctively responding as a pup would/is able to smell scents/feel pack bonds)

3. When Jason gets tossed into the Lazarus pit, it actually repairs his pack bonds. Sure, it’s not perfect, Jason can’t actually reach out through the bonds to respond- but he can feel his Pack’s love, not to mention their desperation to get him back as soon as they realize Jay’s bonds are back. (Talia, meanwhile, is still trying to convince Jay that Bruce doesn’t love him and how he replaced him, but that doesn’t quite work as Jason can feel his Pack’s love- not to mention the absolute adoration coming from the newest, weakest, and youngest link in the pack)

4. And finally four- One of the Robins vanish from the Teen Titans for quite a bit- and when they come back, they’re questioned on where they went. Robin sighs and just says Batman was being broody again, and the Teen Titans just think that Batman was brooding.

In actuality, the Robin had to deal with Bruce being broody in the chicken sense. AKA, “You Are My Child And I Will Keep You In My Nest And Focus Entirely On You And Your Well-being. ..What do you mean taking care of myself? I have to take care of my PUP!”

I absolutely adore all of this. Love the idea of it being a Gotham thing because Gotham is just Like That. Like there's so many curses and magic and who knows how many chemicals that they're like, still human but also just built different.

Gosh, if heats are a thing I like to think they're more platonic. Just, fussing over pack members and being the Broodiest Thing Ever with every family member and will get Upset if one tries to leave the Nest where they are Safe and can be Taken Care Of.

Pfft, the poor Justice League are not prepared for Batman to get broody on a mission and force them all to take care of themselves with no context. They're not his pack, but well, they have fought together and they're sort-of friends, depending on the timeline.

Poor Damian is going to get smothered, Bruce is going to get Very broody the moment Jason returns, and with Another Pup. Tim & Dick get yoinked back from the Titans Tower to be smothered and snuggled and absolutely covered in the family's scent.

Absolutely love the idea of them learning how to be a pup and pack together and am vibrating in utter glee at all of this.

[oifaaa]

Please rant about Alfred to me

I'm sorry but I can't I've already been too negative about him I need a cool off period so people don't think I'm just a grumpy bastard which I am but others don't need to know that besides now I'm turning over this street kid Bruce au (not ft. Alfred) and its driving me insane with all the possibilities

[kettlefire]

I keep randomly think about this:

Imagine Batman revealing his identity to the league. He does it extremely nonchalant, the leaguers briefly wonder if he just forgot they were there for a moment.

Everyone takes the news relatively normal, and it's not that big of a deal. All just happy that Batman has officially trusted them 100%. No one really calls him Bruce though, especially not when he's in costume.

Thing is, they are constantly forgetting.

Not in the sense that Bruce Wayne is Batman. But that Batman is Bruce Wayne.

Every time Bruce unmasks in the safety of their shared space, they just get reminded of the fact.

The fact that Batman is so pretty.

The hero that strikes fear in the hearts of many criminals. The vigilante that has gone up against extreme foes. A man with no special powers aside from his mind. The world's greatest detective is a pretty playboy.

And sometimes, just sometimes, some of the heroes hit a buffering stage when Bruce does it in the middle of a conversation.

Maybe, just maybe, Bruce realizes it. Might just use it to his advantage while the effect is still there.

[vigilvntes]

i cant stop thinking about 2022 bruce wayne becoming almost a meme in gotham city because of how Fucking Done™️ he is with everything and everyone when he's forced to leave the tower and turn up to a function. there's pictures circulating facebook of him with the deadest look behind his eyes while he's talking to some politician with top text bottom text captions. there's videos of him literally jumping out of his skin whenever someone tries to approach him making their rounds on twitter (like how he fucking jumped when bella reál approached him at the funeral). and there's clips circulating tiktok of him giving the most unhinged, out of pocket responses to interviewers because he has no filter and his mouth runs faster than the cogs in his head can turn sometimes. and i feel like he would hate it at first, and he would try his hardest to Be Normal when he's in public but because he's trying too hard to Be Normal he just ends up becoming even more of a meme. and everyone just ends up falling in love with him even more because they find him relatable.

like okay yes, he's bruce wayne. yes, he has money and wealth. but he's not one of THOSE rich assholes. he's just a guy. he's awkward and tired and unintentionally funny and he embarrasses himself sometimes and it's kinda endearing to the public.

there's also an online forum dedicated to him smiling in public. people go on there to document rare instances of a bruce wayne smile. when, why, where, etc. but everyone calls bullshit on the claims because no one ever seems to have a picture of it because let's be honest, in public it's kind of a blink and you'll miss it event. the first time someone manages to take a picture of him grinning the whole internet blows up and the pic spreads like wildfire. it gets posted on every social media platform, every newspaper plasters it on the front page, everyone in gotham has bruce wayne smiling as their twitter pfps.

i just love the idea of gotham adopting him as their own little meme and Favourite Rich Guy. like when they talk about the rich assholes that run the city they have to add "not you, bruce wayne. never you".

and like, thinking about him downloading tiktok one night just to see what people are saying about him or the batman (and to anonymously argue in batman's defence, he doesn't care what they say about bruce wayne but batman ... he's gonna defend). he's scrolling and liking the occasional video and then he stumbles across one of those 'sing if you find them attractive' videos and he sees his face. so then he finds another one. and he's on there again. and again. and again. and again. until he's throwing his phone across the room and staring at it like it's just bit him. he'd be freaked out, because WHY is he in the same video as like.... IDRIS ELBA. but he'd also he kinda flattered, and he'll take the self esteem boost.

(also thinking about him going out to the store as bruce wayne, dressed in the most hideous outfit known to man, just to see what people say about it. just to see whether it gets a smash or a pass on tiktok)

also you cant tell me people wouldn't thirst over the batman. the first time bruce sees a 'sing if you find them attractive' with a picture of the batman he deletes tiktok, turns his phone off and doesn't touch it for 3 whole weeks.

anyway. just a thought. i don't know. i just really love the idea of Public Figure Bruce Wayne.

[nu-so]

You know what I'd love?

Battinson (who has dick already) getting somehow transported to a universe where playboy brucie is a thing. And for some reason the press know that this is Bruce Wayne from another universe and everyones just scratching they're head on why this bruce is Like That.

and maybe some normal gotham citizens are transported to and they're like - yes this is our bruce wayne, and we all love him.

[vrtlworld]

The Batman (2022)

Instagram @vrtlworld