#batfamily shenanigans

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman: You took Bane down?

Red Robin (bloody hands): Yeah... Kind of blacked out.

Batman: How?

Harley Quinn standing to the side.

Harley: Bane brought up the kids dead parents he was unaware they died and... you evah seen a raccoon with rabies? Yeah he became that and took him down.

Red Robin: Oh, that's right, that did happen. Robin chuckles nervously.

Batman: What did he say?

Harley shakes her head to end the conversation. Red Robin's left eye twitches.

Batman: Um... You don't have to answer. Good job Robin.

Red Robin (perking up): Thank you, Batman. I'm going to wash my hands.

Red Robin leaves, Harley gives him a supportive smile. When he's gone she walks to over to Bruce.

Harley: How did his mom and dad die? Because boy howdy his reaction was ... Intense and I know your history.

Batman: Long story, but it's a trigger for him. Seriously what did Bane say about his parents?

Harley: A lot of creepy things he'd do to his mother mostly. Like he wouldn't let up.

Batman: So completely deserved? Cool.

[rougerave]

I've been seeing this everywhere.

Bruce as a teen mom to Dick, but - and hear me out here - what if their dynamic was more sibling based.

They're only ten maybe fifteen years apart right? So, I feel like Dick would be like the sibling that your parents had 15 years after you were born and you honestly don't know what to do with.

Bruce: Um...You want a beer?

Dick: *Smiling like the little gremlin he is.*

Alfred: He's four! (He's eight)

Bruce: I don't know! What am I supposed to do with him?!

The amount of blackmail they have on each other is truly astounding, and the banter is that of siblings that *hate* each other.

In an interview after Jason got adopted, Bruce corrected the host by saying that, "No I don't have two kids. I have a younger brother and a kid. It's basically the same thing but the wording counts."

All the batkids from that moment forth had an Uncle Dick.

Dick to Jason: Don't tell your dad (He's climbing out the window with a concussion).

Jason: My silence comes at a price Uncle D.

Dick: Three books and ice cream.

Bruce: *Taking pictures from the ground of Dick half hanging out the window* Idiot.

[cardinalcheerio]

OMG GUYSSSSS

[strange-birb]

Some Wayne gala fits for the boys! I saw something similar by @fallen-jpg and wanted to do some of my own lol

Ps… I’m not good with backgrounds lol and I made Damian much older cause I didn’t want to draw a kid …

Part 2 !!!

[violent138]

Damian: "My grandfather drives faster than this, and he's dead!"

Jason and Steph, leaning forward from the backseat: "Ra's died?!"

Tim: "He's still alive. He literally never--"

Dick, rolling his eyes, hands clenched on the wheel: "Guys he means Thomas."

Steph, slumping back: "Wow, I legitimately forgot about that."

Damian: "Every word that comes out of your mouth is a reminder--"

Dick: *cranks up the radio loudly*

[vodrae]

AU where Jason, Cass and Damian meet in the League and cause so much chaos that a burnt out Ra's just dropped them with a note

"Two of them are yours the third one is free"

And Bruce rolls with it

[kit04kat]

I like to think that all the bat siblings just randomly drop insane lore about themselves. Like- they all have so much going on that there's no way to update everyone on everything so whenever one person mentions something crazy that happened in passing, the rest of the bats that didn't know are super chill about it. Except Bruce. When he finds out something he doesn't know, he always freaks out a little bit (control freak).

(Tim taking his daily antibiotic)

Bruce (trying to remember if something happened on patrol): Are you injured?

Tim (casually): No I'm alright. I've just had to take these ever since I lost my spleen.

Jason: Word. Good to be careful I guess.

Bruce (internally panicking): You lost your spleen?

Tim: well, maybe lost is the wrong word. I'm pretty sure Ra's Al Ghul still has it in a jar somewhere.

Jason: Not even surprised. He's creepy like that.

Bruce: ??!??!?!?!!

(Dick, Cass, Tim, and Bruce after patrol one night)

Tim: Hey Dick that was a cool move you pulled back there

Dick: Oh that? Yeah I learned that when I was apprenticing for Deathstroke.

Cass (nodding): Skilled fighter.

Dick: Yeah, situation kinda sucked but oh well.

Bruce: (Trying to piece together when the fuck that happened)

[wondersinwaynemanor]

imagine the brooding, intimidating Batman fighting criminals in the street when he hears this special ringtone in the comms and they're for specific people: his grandkids.

he has to hide in the shadows and goes Grandpa mode, clears his throat and coos lovingly to the comms to talk them.

Nightwing: Oh, he's cooing again.

Red Hood: Lian must have called and asked for more fruit loops.

or

Spoiler: B's doing that baby voice again, it's kinda creepy.

Red Robin: My baby must have dialed, he likes his grandpa's voice.

The rest of the batkids: WHAT BABY?????

Superboy: Our baby.

the batkids curse in different languages, confused and shocked.

***

when some of the rogues or criminals hear Batman in his Grandpa mode, they think he's gone soft.

nope. he's more determined, more restless, more protective, so he won't stop unless they're in Akrham or in jail.

but it's worth it when he comes home to little kids, who are excited to see him.

[dyslexicandakeyboard]

Bruce would have interesting ways to discipline his kids.

-------------

Bruce: Listen to me, Damian! You can not steal my car and drive across country to visit Jon.

Damian: Then why do I know how to drive! And my mommy says I can! You don't own me!

Bruce: Young man, when you are under my roof you will follow my-

Damian: No I don't.

Bruce: If that's how it's gonna be. *Draws a circle around Damian* Stay there for five minutes.

Damian: D-d-d-daddy?

-------------

Dick: *swinging from the chandelier that has been pass down in Bruce's family for generations* I'm gonna swing from the chan-

Bruce: Get down here this instant!

Dick: I'm not doing anything.

Bruce: Richard Grayson

Dick: You're not my dad!

Bruce: *brings out a bag of m&ms*

Dick: What are you doing? Those are mine?

Bruce: *opens it slowly*

Dick: Bruce?

Bruce:*eats one*

Dick: STOP, I'm coming down. Don't eat them!

-------------

Jason: You can't make me. I'm not going to the party.

Bruce: *head vein throbbing* This is important. You can't skip this event.

Jason: *shrugs* You'll have to carry me.

Bruce: *takes a deep breath and walks away*

Jason: ahah, baby.

Bruce: *comes back with a bottle of castor oil and a spoon*

Jason: You sick sick man. Fine I'll go.

-------------

Bruce: Tim you disappoint me.

Tim: I didn't think it would blow up the Batcave. Or make mustard gas. Or create a sinkhole.

Bruce: *sighs* I have no choice. You going on a nature retreat.

Tim: Bruce!

Bruce: Over two weekends. With the Boy Scouts.

Tim: *tears glisten in his eyes* Bruce...

Bruce: As a junior member.

Tim:

Bonus

Alfred: Right! That's it, Master Bruce. *Pours a spoon of castor oil8

Bruce:

[goaheadandgetinthebog]

it's a meme in Gotham at this point that if you're a dark haired orphan, you're at risk of getting adopted by brucie wayne.

it's also a meme that the man has no idea how many children he actually has. he just looks at a group of dark haired teenagers/ young adults and goes 'ok they must be mine'.

so the batkids film themselves one morning. all sitting calmly at the breakfast table. being normal. except joining them are izzie, donna, kon, anita, jon, maya, maps, and roy in a terrible dark wig.

then bruce stumbles in, in full brucie mode (he's sleep deprived, it's practically the same), muttering good morning to his children. then he freezes, does a sudden frantic back take, and visibly counts how many people are sitting at the table.

the video is uploaded to steph's tiktok account. it gets 10 million views in the first 24 hours.

it also gets memed.

[gothamite-rambler]

Scarecrow (British accent): Hey, kid you've been breathing in my fear toxin for a few minutes. I usually relish this, but you're not even screaming or crying. Red Robin (Tim): My dad just died and ... I have accepted that life is meaningless. I have nothing to fear because what's to fear when you give up on life? Scarecrow: Deep depression from the loss of a parent is typical. This sadness will pass with time. Robin: There's no passing... I feel nothing. There's no joy in anything, being happy... the moments with your parents. Batman walks over to Red Robin and puts a mask on his face then turns him away to walk to the car. Batman: You can sit this one out, okay? You're going through a lot and I don't want you to go insane from the toxin. Red Robin: Okay. I'll sit in the car and wait for the seconds to tick... tick ... tick. Red Robin walks away. Scarecrow: Hey, kid I may be clinically insane, but don't give up on life. It'll get easier. Red Robin waves his hand faintly while walking to the car. Scarecrow: You're going to give him the usual antidote, right?

Batman (nodding): Yeah, sorry about that, he's usually... not acting like me on a bad day. Scarecrow: I heard his dad called him before he got killed. Hilarious to me, but I imagine a normal person would be shell shocked after it all settles in. I'm guessing he masks in front of others as a defense mechanism? Batman: Yeah, he masks it well with his friends, but then when he's with me... that happens and I can't handle it. Scarecrow (crossing his arms): He's continuing to fight crime with you which is admirable. Working is better than laying around all day. Grief can hinder progress in life, so you just have to keep moving. Batman: Right... I forget you were a professor of psychology before you went insane. Can I just take you down and arrest you early? Scarecrow: Yeah, sure mate. I saw a young man who is reeling from his father's death and that's satisfying enough for me. Batman glares at the man and punches him unconcious. Batman: You had to make it weird.

[catpriciousmarjara]

Getting a PHD literally anywhere else: Wow! Congratulations! What a great achievement! Amazing!

Getting a PHD in Gotham: Wow! Amazing! You're now on several Government, Civilian, and Bat watchlists.

So if any of the Wayne kids get a PHD, then the entirety of Gotham would be squinting at them suspiciously. They're rich, so resources, and most likely already insane with all the shit they pull.

What I'm saying is if Jason went and got himself a Doctorate in Literature, the whole city would anticipate the appearance of his villainsona called the Dead Poet(emphasis on the dead) or Bookkeeper or something else similarly nerdy and themed like that for sure.

I just know that it would turn into some Gotham inside joke with memes abound, and everytime Jason would, I don't know, give more funding to the neglected Arts Departments in Gotham University, or go to a school for read alongs to encourage kids to read, Gotham social media would go crazy and be like:

"The Dreaded Villain Dead Poet Reads Alice in Wonderland to Children! How Despicable!"

"Villain Dead Poet Lambasts Government on Banning Books! Leads Librarians to Riot!"

"Dead Poet Ramps up his Villainy by Establishing Educational Programmes in Crime Alley! Uplifting the Poor! What a Dastardly Villain!"

"Dead Poet Goes on Live Ranting About his Favourite Books! Favourite Author is Jane Austen! Is this the Feminist Agenda?"

And so on! It's a meme that refuses to go away. His siblings actively participate, and make the situation worse.

Dick held an online Gotham Villains and Anti-Heroes Poll and Dead Poet came out on top, over Red Hood. Jason is an actual Gotham crime boss, but his crowdfunded villainsona is more popular. No he's not salty about it at all.

Duke would create a montage of Dead Poet sightings.

Stephanie would make a Dead Poet meme compilation.

Tim would arrange Wayne Enterprises to donate to local libraries after allegedly being threatened by the heinous villain Dead Poet. (Jason did ask Tim to do that but not like that)

Barbara created an extremely popular Villain Watch account for Dead Poet.

Cass tweeted out Jason's favourite books as the villain Dead Poets reading list telling people to avoid them 'wink wonk', causing a massive uptick in the sale of those books ala Bigolas Dickolas.

Damian of all people tweeted out a pic of Jason playing with Alfred the cat accusing the evil villain Dead Poet of attempting to kidnap his cat.

And thats not to mention all the shenanigans they pull in their batsonas.

God bless Gotham and it's home grown, organic, not even remotely ethically sourced, free range chaos.

[cardinalcheerio]

Tim: Hey dick?

Dick: yeah?

Tim: Sooo... if someone were to hypothetically steal a sculpture called "The Hand". Would they call the heist, "The Hand Job"?

Dick *grinning and searching sculptures*: be a worse crime not to name it that

[nightwolf1429]

Bruce acts so emo all the time that I just can't help but enjoy the idea(/headcanon, I guess) of him secretly just being an old man dad- Like all of the villains go 'Omg it's Batman we're gonna get beat up' and Commissioner Gordon randomly thinks to himself while working late 'I bet Batman is doing super smart stuff like looking at case files or serving justice rn' but it turns out Bruce is just in the Batcave, very seriously talking to the Bat-Computer about the definition of slang like "Okay 'Puter, define 'Yeet' for me.."

Or he's up at 3AM scrolling through Tim's Tumblr blog looking for ways to connect with his child, but instead becomes mildly concerned when he sees Tim posted a pic five minutes ago of himself at Waffle House (He thought he was in his bedroom-?) with the caption 'Lmao just had a mental breakdown ✌'

Bruce: "So, Damian.. Have you 'rizzed up' any 'level ten gyatts' recently?"

Damian(Also doesn't know slang): "Father wtf"

Of course all of the Bat-Kids know this, and try to subtly introduce him to different memes because he always looks so proud of himself when he properly uses slang, he's like 'Heck yeah my kids are gonna think I'm cool'

[mylifeingotham]

[vodrae]

Damian Wayne : *Watching national geographic. Global warming hurts animals.*

"Mhhh."

*Runs to Tim's room*

"Luthor said you won't find a clean and sustainable power source in your life."

*Slams doors. Leaves.*

Timothy Jackson Drake : "THAT BITCH." *Angry tools noises coming from the garage for 5 minutes* "Take that bald motherfucker !"

Stephanie : "It's been 5 years and I'm still not sure if i'm scared or impressed by you all."

Damian : "Penguins won't fall anymore."