okay grusome shit below. (tw/ thoughts of self harm, hard drug mention)
God this engie shift is terrible. I want to cut my arm off and cut open my veins. I want to gouge my eyes out. Idk why my brain is telling me this is how I connect with my shift. How I go into my world. I sound fucking crazy oh my god. I should try acid or smth to help hallucinate my world. I miss teufort. I miss my lab, my workshop. I come from a fucking au, a goddamn fic. Holy hell my arms burn (its all psychological, i’m fine physically).
What the fuck is this problem? I wish I knew, I wish I knew how to fix it.
"if youre transgender youre delusional" okay but do you think delusions should be handled in a medical setting, or are delusional people just the butt of your jokes?
"people who kin are insane" do you think insanity is something that should be treated with sensitivity, or are insane people just something for you to point at laugh at?
"neopronouns prove that some people have lost touch with reality" are you willing to talk to people with reality issues, or are you just an asshole? etc etc etc
everyone always talks about how much durge hated admitting he was in love — or at least respected and admired — enver gortash, but what about gortash?
enver gortash is a man who never once experienced true, unencumbered affection. affection, lust, love — these are all tools for the tyrants hand to use to create a perfect order, a single ruler who would dominate faerûn with an ironclad fist.
gortash, even from when he was young, would never admit to liking anyone. his parents, poor and unfortunate, called him an ungrateful, willing thing, selling him to the hells for a pittance just to never see his demanding face again. the hells, an unforgiving place with an even more unforgiving master, hardened his soul and taught him the most important lesson of all — power is all that matters.
not affection, not lust, and certainly not love.
yet, he grows close to the child of his master’s greatest rival. he knows in his soul that to rule — to truly have power — one must never lighten their grip on anything, and so he uses that closeness — that growing affection he denies — to tighten his tyrants hand around that bhaalspawn’s neck.
but enver gortash, like all his predecessors who wanted everything the world had to offer, was only mortal. a mortal man who was ever so lonely at the top of the world, looking down at the subjugation he brought. so he plays the long con, denying that what he is feeling is anymore than habitual fondness, that the murderous presents his leashed dog brings him don’t warm his heart and that he doesn’t relish in the soft expression of surprise that ravenous beast makes when he doesn’t run away. he is the master of manipulation here, he knows he has the bhaalspawn tightly woven around his finger, he knows he is ruining them.
but just as he had declawed, defanged, and destroyed the child of bhaal, so had that beautiful monster softened his tyrants black hand and made gortash want to rule together.
how humiliating for little enver gortash, to realize how little he had actually grown from that small starved child in the slums longing for a friend. and how utterly tragic that it is his undoing no matter what choices the player makes in this game.
Not hating on Kuboyasu Aren, like don't get me wrong, that's gang and I love him.
But I think that if he did achieve his dream of being able to marry a lady and have a family, there would be a lot of loopholes in his relationships.
Like, yes, he's a very respectful dude and he'd probs treat the woman like the only girl in the world but let's say they had a fight, right?
Dude wouldn't know the first thing to do, 50 outta 50, he'll apologize because "that's what a man should do" but what if he felt wronged as well? Either way, whether he apologizes or not, there would be a little toxicity at least, surrounding his relationship with his lady, like please do yall get me? 😭
Istg, I'm not hating, he's literally my fave character, but if he really ended up with a normal girl and lived a normal life, there'd surely be problems, most likely if he had a daughter.
This dog (me) is currently dying of the heat here rn and it’s only 20 degrees celcius (68 degrees fahrenheit for you freedom unit users /j).
How tf am I supposed to survive summer? There’s supposed to be a massive heat dome here this summer and I swear I’m going to die. Pls help, doggo is sweating so hard.
My first attempt at writing that's vaguely like poetry: from a dragon
I am not what you think.
I walk around, awkward limbs and flighty mannerisms, and you think I’m strange. You have no idea how strange you would think I am if you only saw what was underneath.
Underneath, I am a creature of the ocean. Something that could never pass as human, and no longer wants to. Saltwater rushes through my veins in secret, silent to everyone but me. To me, it’s a roaring sound of the waves that I have never seen except for within my soul. It yearns to dissolve into the ocean like it could long ago, but for now those days are over and I am hidden underneath skin and muscle.
Underneath, there are wings; fins; antlers. They ache to tear from my back, through my skull. Nonetheless, they stay hidden for me, safe in the silence. Protected like I protected my kin in a lifetime so close to the surface and yet unreachable. Wrapped in a form that no longer coils around them like a serpent, but keeps them hidden from predators well enough I suppose.
I suppose.
I accept my form reluctantly and do what I can to make it mine. I shape it to feel better when I discover my gender, and when I can’t shape it to fit my true self I cover it in things that feel a little more like home. A little more draconic. A little more like the ocean that I never have seen, but feel homesick for anyway.
I do find joy in being in this body, at least. Out there, there are others. Angels working minimum wage, dragons sitting on a park bench, wolves buying groceries. We hide, but we do so to be free. We walk through crowds, and no one notices our scales and fur and feathers. But we do. We see each other, even if from miles away, and we see what’s underneath.
bro the new csm chapter is still fucking me over cuz now im having the sudden realisation that my horniness for these past couple of months is probably due to trauma response as well o dear