#kind of goes beyond just an aesthetic label or even a gender

[copiawife]

i had this in my pinned for a while and then took it out and i can't remember why but, if you wouldn't mind, if it comes up, would you all mind not referring to me as a person, but as a doll instead? like instead of saying "boy" or "girl" (obviously, no gendered terms for me), or even "person" or another gender neutral signifier similar to it, instead refer to me as a "doll", if that's alright!

[cursedvibes]

kenjaku :-) or tengen/uraume if they've been done

Thank you for the ask! I'm just gonna do all three :D

Kenjaku

Sexuality Headcanon:

I think Kenjaku generally doesn't care about a person's gender in regards to attraction. It's far more important that the people are interesting, able to hold their attention for a long time and if they are actually looking for a relationship of whatever kind, they must feel like they are equal to each other. Also, I think as far as purely physical or aesthetic attraction goes or when it's about casual sex they prefer men.

Gender Headcanon:

Kenjaku got all the genders and goes by any pronouns or none at all. They might have some preferences for what sex their body has, but that changes over time and sometimes it aligns with their current vessel and sometimes it doesn't. Generally, in canon the characters who actually know Kenjaku don't refer to them in gendered terms, but I don't think they'd have a problem with being referred to with she/her while in Geto or Noritoshi's body or with he/him when in Kaori's. I also think this was always the case with them, it didn't just come through their CT or with age. Their CT just helped realize the fluidity of their gender more.

A ship I have with said character:

I have a whole bunch of them, but at the moment my fave is definitely TenKen. Got a great toxic mix of longing, obsession, lost friendship and vore. And it is especially interesting to get into because Tengen is so important for Kenjaku's character overall. She is their primary motivation for this whole insane plan they got, getting close to her is what drove them forward for centuries and she is likely the cause or one of the factors that drove Kenjaku to get more and more lost in their need for entertainment because they lost the connection to her.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Uraume. I just love their dynamic so much, both as a BROTP and as a sort of hatesex ship. I really miss their bickering and casual insults. Kenjaku is so gleeful about driving Uraume up the wall it's great. But also how they reluctantly help each other out and do such wild shit like going on an international tour to rile up an invasion of Japan. Or Kenjaku having to hold Uraume back like a rabid dog from killing everyone in sight because it would be Not A Good Look. True trans solidarity.

A NOTP I have with said character:

Hmm, I think it's GoKen (sorry, I know you love them). I'm just not interested in Gojo in a shipping sense, I don't really see anything interesting in their dynamic beyond the meeting in Shibuya and even that has gotten a bit old for me because everyone is talking about it constantly. I also don't like how it is often/most of the time so focused on stsg because in canon that's the only reason Gojo has any interest in Kenjaku. Without Geto he wouldn't give a shit. So from what I've seen of it, most of it is just repackaged stsg angst (especially in fanfic) and I don't care for that.

A random headcanon:

Tengen used to be something of a teacher for them, maybe they were somehow involved with the cult that formed around her, and then they slowly became more of a friend or partner for her. They developed the concept for jujutsu society together, but disagreed on the details and how far it should be taken, how curses should be handled etc.

General Opinion over said character:

*gestures at my blog and AO3 account* idk I guess I like them

Uraume

Sexuality Headcanon:

They give me a bit of an ace vibe. I think they generally don't engage much with sex or have much interest in it, but on the odd chance that they do, they prefer men (probably also who they are most aesthetically attracted to).

Gender Headcanon:

No. If we use a label, agender would come the closest, but they just don't have any gender and live completely outside of it. They don't really care if people make assumptions about them because they see these people below them anyway, so what do their opinions matter. They wouldn't really get mad about it unless they are being pestered about it or they feel like the person is stepping out of line. But if that happens, they can just kill them. Easy. Same as with Kenjaku, I think they always felt this way about their gender, it's not that they stopped caring about it with age.

A ship I have with said character:

Mainly SukUme because Sukuna is really the only person Uraume has much interest in and I like how chill Sukuna is around them. Love the scene of them laughing at Yuuji together and joking around. You can tell they have been close for a long time. I also like that Uraume shows Sukuna respect, but isn't his doormat and gets away with far more than anyone else. Unfortunately we haven't seen it yet, but Uraume cooking human meat for Sukuna Hannibal-style is also the main thing that pulls me towards them. Cannibal couple.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Kenjaku, like above. Although, their dynamic with Hakari is also becoming really interesting and I wish we saw more of them. They actually seem to vibe very well and respect or even like each other, which is quite rare with Uraume. So far they seem the most normal around him. Probably because they might see something of young!Sukuna in him and he isn't as annoying as Kenjaku.

A NOTP I have with said character:

idk...there aren't that many ships with them. I can't think of any I've seen that I didn't like. Have to say though, that I don't like when people treat Uraume in SukUme as a self-insert and you can clearly tell that the person who wrote/drew it just wants to get railed by Sukuna and doesn't actually care about Uraume.

A random headcanon:

They were eating and cooking human flesh even before Sukuna came around. They saw Sukuna tear the raw flesh from people's bodies and eat it and were like "this is so uncultured, I gotta help this guy. where's my cauldron"

General Opinion over said character:

Love them! One of my top 10 favourite jjk characters. Gege please show me more of them, especially their current fight. I also really want to know more about their philosophy, view of humanity and how it differs from Sukuna's, how they first came to meet Sukuna and who they were before that.

Tengen

Sexuality Headcanon:

Pretty firmly aroace. I don't think they ever had much interest in romance, long-term relationships or sex. She might have experimented a bit when they were younger or maybe she used to be married because of societal conventions, but as she got older she just stopped engaging with it altogether and her philosophy and buddhist beliefs only emphasized what was already there.

Gender Headcanon:

Pretty much what she already told us. She feels more drawn to the identity of woman, but it was never that rigid for her and as she got older and especially when her body started to change, she cared less and less about it. However, she still cares about gender in the sense that she doesn't see herself as a man and prefers to not be addressed as such, especially in a private setting. Like, she doesn't care what the higher-ups think, them thinking she's a man is even beneficial to her, but if someone she knows well or cares about addresses her that way directly, she will correct them. She likes masculine clothing though and playing around with assumptions and societal conventions for gender presentation in general. If I were to summarize her gender in one brief label it would be something like: woman* (star even fits with her theme)

A ship I have with said character:

TenKen (obviously). Most of the action in that ship naturally comes from Kenjaku, but I find it fascinating how despite all the shit Kenjaku has done over the centuries, she still gives them the cover of anonymity and even protects them to a degree. Heavily side-eyeing Kenjaku surviving a fight against the Heian six eyes user twice. The fight wasn't even close from what we know and yet Kenjaku somehow managed to slip away and recuperate. I also find it fascinating how in the end, she almost gives in to Kenjaku's demands or lets herself be swept away by them. She doesn't try to merge anymore and she puts up the bare minimum of a fight. Like, she knows Kenjaku is a threat, but she still cares about them in some way and sees them as just an attention seeking child (true). Also kind of funny how she says she has no idea what motivates Kenjaku because she can't see into the human heart and yet when we've seen that Kenjaku isn't at all shy to talk about why they are doing all this. Especially with her around they are basically screaming their motivation and she's there like "hmm, big mystery why they are doing this. feelings are so hard to understand." no wonder Kenjaku went insane lol She's always trying to keep that emotional distance somehow, even when her actions speak against it. It also makes it very tragic from Kenjaku's perspective. They swallowed her and still can't reach her (anymore). Also, they see their relationship as equal, while Tengen still places herself above them in terms of skill and maturity. Argh, I need their backstory.

A BROTP I have with said character:

There aren't really that many people she has a closer connection with and a friendly one at that...guess Sukuna? Her turning his corpse into a mummy is really interesting and also their similarity when she started evolving. The mummy stuff is very similar to the urban legend of Ryomen Sukuna, so I wonder what exactly her and Kenjaku did with Sukuna before and after his death and if they might've been involved with him becoming more powerful. I also like her and Yuki together. They aren't exactly friendly, not from Yuki's side at least, but the "forced to hang out with my bigoted grandma" aspect of their relationship is funny.

A NOTP I have with said character:

Her and Sukuna. I just don't see anything there except shared fascination for jujutsu and what I said above about their past. Definitely nothing that comes even close to romantic or sexual feelings on either side.

A random headcanon:

She's not from Japan or she had a long period where she toured around ancient China, India, Korea and the like. She only really started drawing attention when she was at least 200 years old, so there is a lot of time we don't really know anything about.

General Opinion over said character:

Manipulative, conservative Grandma who ruined everyone's lives with the system she created and couldn't be bothered to change things for the better. And I love her for that. Top 3 jjk character for me <3

[tlcartist]

🏳️‍⚧️👽👗 for crime cousins?

HELL YEAH

a bitch is wordy so you know the drill

Josuke

🏳️‍⚧️ A gender headcanon

I think if you'd ask him he'd say he's a dude but he'd also shrug and say eeeehhhh? Because yeah he's a guy but also what even is gender? Spicy cis.

👽 A weird quirk

I think he's the kind of person who extends the care he puts into his hair into other forms of hygiene. His room is always a bit sloppy but if he doesn't take his two (2) daily showers and do his 8 step skincare routine he feels off. It's not to the point of being actual OCD or anything, mans just likes to feel clean.

👗 A headcanon about their clothes

WHERE DO I BEGIN

If this boy had been a teen in the 2010's he would have absolutely be a Pinterest girlie and would have made boards dedicated to looks and aesthetics. I think all JoJo's have an interest in fashion but Josuke's the one who's the most passionate about it. Has a stash of clippings from fashion magazines with looks he wants to recreate. When he can't afford to buy something he tries to DIY it. He's not necessarily flashy with color in his clothes but he goes wild with accessories. Has the most clothes out of any JoJo.

Giorno

🏳️‍⚧️ A gender headcanon

Genderqueer. Giorno defies labels and concepts like hyper masculinity or machismo are absolutely repulsive to him. Definitely one of the things he really hated about his stepdad for sure. He's very secure in his identity and if other people don't understand it he really doesn't care. He spent his childhood masking and blending in as much as possible, but as soon as he broke away from his family and started doing his own thing he really came into his own.

👽 A weird quirk

Can't cook (at least not beyond very basic things) and will just eat whatever's most accessible. Frequently commits food crimes as a result (as in will put whatever is left in the fridge together and call it a meal), because he can't be bothered to put effort into ACTUALLY making something or orders takeout a lot. He just sees cooking and eating as a chore and there's a million other things he'd rather do than worry about it.

👗 A headcanon about their clothes

Going off of the gender thing Giorno dressed very plainly as a child mostly because his parents just tended to neglect buying him clothes or when they did it was just the most basic stuff possible. But living in Italy he was surrounded by the world of fashion and was fascinated. He'd walk past fancy designer shops and press his nose to the glass until he eventually got told off by security. He told himself that someday he'd be able to make his own decisions. Someday he'd wear clothes that really felt like him.

So when he finally gained his independence he went WILD. He's flashy, he's flamboyant, he has expensive taste and he's not afraid to show it. Believes in quantity over quality and isn't afraid to spend more $$$ on something that was handmade out of the best materials. Doesn't have a large wardrobe but has pieces that will last a lifetime.

Jolyne

🏳️‍⚧️ A gender headcanon

I think Jolyne is cis but really hates being pushed into gender norms. Was 100% a tomboy as a little kid. The "girliest" thing about her was her hair and love of butterflies but she'd frequently come home just covered in dirt from exploring the neighborhood park on the walk home from school much to her mother's dismay. Her clothes never stood clean for long. She was always bringing home little critters like bugs and snails and would try to keep them alive. She never fit society's expectations of what she should have been. She was loud and boisterous didn't take shit. As she got older she got more comfortable with her femininity since she felt it was something she could explore on her own terms instead of having it pushed on her.

👽 A weird quirk

I think Jolyne's restless. She's always got to be doing something with her hands or tapping her feet. Can't stay seated for long and gets bored easily. Stole one of her dad's old Zippo lighter's and uses it as a fidget toy of sorts to help herself focus. If you walked by her room and listened closely you'd frequently hear the faint grinding of a spark wheel and snap of the lighter being closed.

👗 A headcanon about their clothes

The time Jolyne spent in a gang had a huge influence on her fashion sense. She spent time with punks and people from different backgrounds and carried a lot of those lessons with her. SUPER INTO DIY. Makes her own fishnet shirts out of stockings, distresses her own pants, cuts holes into her shirts, hand paints her signature spider web design onto different outfits. She can never quite find what she wants off the rack so she takes matters into her own hands.

[mistressemmedi]

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

Greetings from Miley Cyrus - phenomenal numbers.

The streams of Zitti e Buoni are growing by the second, and ahead of Muse, on the top of the English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. We almost tripled followers after Rotterdam (from 1.4 to 3.3 million, ed). Contagious and universal madness: T-shirts and merchandise sold out in 10 minutes. Like records, tickets for a tour that adds dates and expands on maps. They are even looking for us in festivals where the Rolling Stones have played. - Thomas

After the whole cocaine scandal that was started against us from France, which was later denied by my drug test, in Spain there people have been making murals with my face saying "No drugs". Some tweets made us laugh: «Congratulations, Italy! I have never been so sure that four people have fucked each other ". Miley Cyrus started following us. "You are great". “You are more” . - Damiano

From rags to riches - what a story

It was only 2016, and we were playing in restaurants, on the streets, in via del Corso (famous street in Rome). Damiano without a microphone, Thomas's guitar with broken strings, Ethan drummed on a cajón. At the occupations of the high schools in Rome (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first gigs and half an hour of fame, between those who criticized us and those who said "these guys are so cool". One of the rare times in which they offered to pay us to play - 50 euros each - we offered that money to those after us, in exchange for the chance to play during their time slow, as we knew there would have been a bigger crowd. We already understood then how it worked. That visibility was worth more than the money. We still think so ». - Victoria

The intimacy of rock - Choice of a genre

Music allows is this miracle which allows one to talk about very personal and private topics, even difficult and delicate ones. They are and remain deeply yours, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage which is like a delivery, they also find their place in you, their elaboration. They are overcome, they are accepted. One moment it feels aggressive, one moment later a (soft) ballad. It's very cathartic. - Damiano

Against panic - The stage as therapy

I have suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it is a problem that I have worked on thanks to a course of psychotherapy, to my friends and family. Playing has helped me not to let myself be paralyzed by my fears, not to be limited in my private and professional life. I have learned to accept, to live with this side of me. I don't hide it. I no longer feel ashamed. - Victoria

This belief that only crazy people go to the psychologist is widespread ignorance. Nobody is born learned. And it is often difficult to understand why we are here, let alone the derivation and direction of our desires. It is a long and legitimate journey towards one's clarity. - Damiano

Essere fuori di testa – Ma diversi da loro (Be out of your mind - But different from them)

Already feeling a strong passion for something that is not a 'regular' profession but an artistic language, it puts you on a level where you're an anomaly, and while you're neither superior nor inferior to others, it places you in the condition of what breaks the mold but you're also being at a loss, leaving it to you to be bold and to take risks, hoping that they will pay off and land you somewhere. "What good is it if you don't stand out on your own?". You want to give it an aesthetic to your artistic dream, but to others it boils down to " You dress differently! You must be gay! ”, I'm 22 now and it makes me laugh, but at 17 it had an effect on me too. - Damiano

The beauty of being unique - Of believing in that and defending it

After all, we are all different not because we want to be alternative but because really no one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty. - Ethan

Fluid sexuality - Pride is freedom

We appreciate heels on men, we kiss each other, we have an open, extended mind, and we are proud of it. The horizons become vast, beyond the oppression of conservative families. With information on the web, knowledge is enriched and with it the possibility that minorities will be fewer and fewer, because majorities will be fewer and fewer. This will lower the volume to insults and bullying. If social networks can reach a village of 50 souls to reveal to someone, who is afraid of the darkness, that someone has felt that same fear.. There is no longer the need to give it a name, to define that "something" to fear, to brand it with labels that only limit you. Definitions have always had this effect on me. Gender should not even be considered in a person's judgment. Let alone orientation ". - Victoria

Sexism - A culture to be dismantled

Emma (Italian singer) dropped the bomb:" When I went to Eurovision, they insulted me over a pair of shorts. Damiano - half naked and in heels - was never criticized ". The judgment against women is constant, ferocious, and demeaning (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool but Vic a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader she is domineering and pain in the ass, who is successful because only because of her looks [and not the hard work she puts in]). As a male I am privileged, the harassment I suffer is not comparable to that experienced by a woman, the comments on my aesthetics are focused only on my aesthetics and do not insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thinking in a systemic way. But I did find myself in a situation, out of nowhere, with someone who, pulling close to her for a selfie, started licking my face ... "What do you want, did you ask me?" Consent exists, and it is a must ». - Damiano

To grow as a person - The only rule to follow

For me, to conform is the total opposite of educating oneself, and the asphyxiation of one's expression (of freedom). Fortunately, I did not suffer heavy bullying, to the point where I felt I needed to change to adapt to how others saw me. But the matrix of who I am and the aggression that marks me is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and loves dolls, then allow me the freedom to do so. I used to be a kid who wanted long hair and played with Barbies. My friends, as a teenager, looked my long hair and teased me: "You have to find yourself a girl with a short hair to make up for it". My grandparents took the dolls away from me and said: “Stop it, they're not for you” ». - Ethan

“I was six and I already could not tolerate the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things typically defined as feminine as a child, and they made fun of me for skating, for playing soccer, for not wearing skirts, for giving myself the chance to be as I wanted to be. I suffered a little, as I was bullied, but I had courage to stay true to myself, and today thanks to that courage I know that I could have been much more hurt, or I would have risked leaving the most important decision to others: the one about being just me". - Victoria

Love - music and girlfriends

I've been married to music for the past 20 years. I cannot wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary. - Ethan

Everyone goes through their own experiences, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but it's never other people's business." - Thomas

When, for the first time, I developed feelings and attraction for a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage to go beyond the limitations I had imposed on myself. For society, being heterosexual is the norm and therefore often one automatically pegs himself in that way, giving up the freedom to experience many different shades and facets of love. Once I got over the initial insecurity of having to question one's own certainties, I lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone. - Victoria

I had paparazzi under my house morning and night. So, after four years of relationship, I finally revealed her name. I still have the paparazzi under my house morning and night, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore. - Damiano

The value of the group - Protecting each other

But the real relationship, the real family, is between us. Our band. We believed in it from the first day, even before calling ourselves Måneskin (moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon, on the poster for our first concert. We share everything, even the pain of the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because he was a victim of racism. Being a group is what we should all do together: stay united and not retreat in the slightest in the face of abuses generated by a distorted vision of someone "being different|. - Thomas

Non ho l’età – like Gigliola (It references Gigliola Cinquetti who won both Sanremo and Eurovision with her song "Non ho l’età" which translates to Not old enough)

Before us, the only one to win Sanremo and Eurovision together was Gigliola Cinquetti (in 1964). Is there is something for which I feel I am not yet old enough for? No, honestly no. Maybe for kids. I'll be honest, I'm not enough to be a dad. - Damiano

Reached the sky - What fears still remain

We are more than in the dream, we have conquered the dream. To fly high this high, there is the risk is to fall and get hurt, but we will try not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - somewhat presumptuously - reassures us rather than frighten us ". - Damiano

(ORIGINAL INTERVIEW IN ITALIAN)

[Please note that I have changed some words or structure sentence, trying to make it so that the interview made more sense lol - I skipped the first two paragraphs, which was basically the interviewer gushing over how pretty the band is lmao (relatable).

Any mistakes in the translation are sorely mine, nothing was proofread, so apologies in advance]

[isufajardo]

Hello everyone! I’m Lis and this is Isu Tonatiuh. Feel free to refer him as professor, Isu, Tony, Mr. F or pretty much however your heart desires. He is a sunshine most of the time and quite the parental mentor at the college. He is the kind of person who always remembers details about his students like their favorite color or if they take meds. a Dad all through and through pushing students to do their best even though he’s got some major insecurities of his own, but more info under the cut.

Name : Isu Tonatiuh Fajardo López

Age : 40

Faceclaim : Jaime Camil

Gender / Pronouns : Cis Male. He/him

Label / Trope : The Underground Sun

Job : Part-time actor

Living arrangements : A studio apartment in downtown, but it isn’t odd for him to fall asleep somewhere inside the campus after working for too many hours.

Class : Theatre

Extracurriculars : Coach of the drama club

Yearbook Quote : “Fulfilling your dreams is absolutely terrifying”. --My art major director back at the uni. He is still a very good friend of mine up to these days.

BIO

Isu, Tony, Mr. Fajardo or however you wanna call him has always been the dramatic child quite literally. When he got rejected by a girl in kindergarten, he cried purposefully under the rain just for the aesthetic ( and that wasn’t even a thing back then).

Born and raised in Mexico City as an only child, Isu always knew what he wanted to do with his life: he wanted to be an actor. Consuming movies from all around the world was one of his favorite activities to do with his mother who always called him “Mi Pedrito” in reference to famous actor and singer Pedro Infante.

Still, there was something Isu never learned how to handle properly: rejection. Whether by how his mother spoiled him or by how used he was to being #1 in the things he loved, he would always get anxious and break down whenever something didn’t turn the way he expected. This also lead him to never be able to stay in a relationship for too long; leaving them before they left him.

Time goes by and he becomes a recognized actor in telenovelas and so, when Broadway and Hollywood call his way he is beyond excited. He tells everyone about it, he flaunts the plane ticket in front of everyone, but when the night before arrives; he gets mad drunk just to get sure he is not awake by the time he has to take his flight.   HE IS TERRIFIED.   Terrified of failing, terrified of being rejected, so instead, he stays,

Urged by his mother for years and years, Isu eventually grabs “the wrong plane” and heads towards Ohio. It is one step closer, right? ...RIGHT? He pretends to not know what was happening and explains to his mom that he is just going to “save some money” so he can go to Los Angeles or maybe NYC.   BULLSHIT.   He gets hired at the local college and convinces himself he is just waiting for his BIG MOMENT to arrive so he can hop on a plane towards stardom.

The Underground Sun has quite the potential, but only shines for some in a little cave where his real light cannot be exploited properly. He is warm, protective and very friendly with students considering them “the children he never had”. Also very active in all the college events, Isu is the kind of teacher you can come for advice, but cannot promise you it will be good advice, but he tries his best. He always tries his best.

Way less terrifying to teach people how to act than being judged by the Anna Wintour of theatre and film. He has actually grown very fond of the place and its people and even if he ever leaves, he would love to keep coming back.

HEAD CANNON

No siblings but a mad ton of cousins all around Mexico.

Has a crush on Angelina Jolie.

Would love to be James Bond.

Dresses as a charro for some formal events.

Isu means "deer" in Mixtec while Tonatiuh was the Sun god for the Mexicas. So I made yet another wordplay "Deer Sun" (Dear Sun).

[ichorhalf]

                   ❛                        wipe    the    𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅    off    your    hands    ,    little    owl    –    it    doesn’t    matter    .    you’re    still    a    𝐦𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐫    .    ❜

❝    you’re    hardly    innocent    yourself    ,    𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓    –    godhood    looks    cruel    on    you    ;    if    i    had    to    do    it    again    ,    𝐢    𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭    𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞    𝐚    𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠    .    ❞

                                         𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭  ,  𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐬  ,  𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝  𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

                   excuse  the  dramatics  ,  but  hello  !  i’m  cc  ,  can’t  read  ,  can’t  write  BUT  i  will  be  dramatic  about  it  nonetheless  .  i  am  SO  excited  for  this  ,  i  am  the  biggest  pjo  fan  in  the  world  &  i  love  pjo  rps  sm  i  have  been  blessed  by  the  gods  ,  paige  &  dani  with  this  .  dana  is  a  very  old  muse  i  used  to  have  &  recently  re  fell  in  love  w  ,  so  here  she  is  .  tidbits  before  diving  in  :  she  fought  for  kronos  &  the  titans  in  the  war  ,  she’s  a  daughter  of  athena  that  spent  five  years  unclaimed  in  the  hermes  cabin  &  she  is  for  the  new  cabins  –  it’s  what  she  was  fighting  for  anyway  .  if  you’d  like  to  plot  PLS  like  this  &  i’ll  come  to  u  ,  uwu  .  p.s  this  is  long  for  no  reason  PLS  come  to  me  if  u  want  a  tl;dr  .

〔  JEON    HEEJIN,  TWENTY,  CIS    FEMALE,  TELUMKINESIS  〕╰    DANA    AHN    just    came    over    half  -  blood    hill  .    you    know  ,    the    child    of    ATHENA    who    was    claimed    four    years    ago  ?  i’ve    heard    chiron    say    that    she    is    INSTINCTUAL    &    COGENT  ,    but    if    you    ask    the    aphrodite    kids  ,    they’d    say    they’re    DISPARAGING    &    GLACIAL  .    i’d    say    they    remind    me    of    quiet    grief    spent    in    lonely    hours    –    invalidated    by    people    she    swears    never    cared    for    her    ,    watching    a    new    constellation    form    with    crystalline    tears    in    exhausted    eyes    ,    a    lethal    slice    of    celestial    bronze    ;    it    brands    her    a    traitor    &    pile    of    painted    beads    crushed    underfoot    when    loyalties    are    chosen    ,    especially    since    they’re    FOR  THE  NEW  CABINS  .

❛   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗   𝖔𝖓𝖊   ╱  𝐚𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭  

inspiration

         ❛  you’re  a  monster  .  ❜   ❝            better  a  monster  ,  than  an  arrogant  god  .  ❞

ethan  nakamura  (  percy  jackson  &  the  olympians  )  ,  ❛  one  of  my  sons  recently  traded  an  eye  for  the  ability  to  make  a  real  difference  in  the  world.  ❜  

❝          no  one  made  me   ,  i  made  me  –  so  give  me  a  bitter  glory  .  ❞

cato  (  the  hunger  games  )  ,  ❛  go  on  .  i’m  dead  anyway.  i  always  was,  right  ?  i  didn’t  know  that  till  now  .  ❜  

❝          am  i  the  villain  in  your  story  ,  when  i  was  always  the  hero  in  mine  ?  ❞

erik  killmonger  (  black  panther  )  ,  ❛  the  world  took  everything  away  from  me  !  everything  i  ever  loved  !  ❜  

full  name  .  ahn  ji  su  /  dana  ahn  nickname(s)  /  aliases  .  dane  ,  traitor    age  .  twenty  gender  /  pronouns  .  cis  gendered  female  ,  she  /  her  orientation  .  demisexual  ,  panromantic  hometown  .  boston  ,  massachusetts  faceclaim  .  jeon  heejin

aesthetic  .  a  walking  plethora  of  bad  decisions  made  by  a  rotting  heart  ,  remnants  of  red  rimmed  eyes  after  losing  so  much  more  than  others  in  the  war  ,  the  quiet  ,  ominous  static  electricity  before  a  lightning  strike  ,  watching  a  new  constellation  form  with  crystalline  tears  in  her  exhausted  eyes  ,  a  lethal  slice  of  celestial  bronze  ;  it  brands  her  a  traitor  ,  shouting  commands  over  the  sounds  of  her  kind  dying  at  her  feet  &  a  pile  of  painted  beads  crushed  underfoot  when  loyalties  are  chosen  .

label  .  the  premonition  ,  the  potentate  ,  the  traitorous  moral  alignments  .  chaotic  good  /  chaotic  neutral  ( + )  positives  .  strategic  ,  instinctual  ,  cogent  ,  potent  (  -  )  negatives  .  fustian  ,  disparaging  ,  glacial  ,  acerbic  hogwarts  house  .  gryffindor  godly  parent  .  athena  deadly  sin  .  pride  fatal  flaw  .  holding  grudges

❛   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗   𝖙𝖜𝖔   ╱  𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐥𝐞  

TRIGGER  WARNING  :  death  ,  murder  ,  injury  description

              𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫  𝐢  .  her  mother  ,  a  goddess  in  her  own  right  ;  ahn  soo  ah  joins  the  navy  as  kennedy  ahn  .  bright  eyed  &  wise  beyond  her  years  ,  she  graduates  from  the  united  states  naval  academy  with  notable  achievements  under  her  belt  .  she  is  astute  ,  a  walking  resource  that  the  navy  uses  as  a  strategist  –  one  of  the  brightest  minds  of  her  generation  ,  gone  unknown  as  she  helps  the  military  create  top  secret  missions  .  war  written  &  loved  ,  kennedy  has  an  affinity  for  battle  –  she  attracts  many  people  that  she  knows  are  more  than  human  .  but  they  search  for  romance  ,  they  ask  for  her  love  when  kennedy  has  never  sought  after  it  –  romance  comes  slow  to  her  ,  it’s  a  process  &  the  only  person  to  get  that  is  a  grey  -  eyed  liaison  named  dana  astbury  .  she  arrives  in  a  swirl  of  intuitiveness  &  intelligent  that’s  incredibly  attractive  –  but  their  connection  isn’t  one  based  on  romance  .  the  way  their  minds  bond  is  unlike  anything  kennedy  has  ever  felt  before  –  she’s  eager  to  work  with  her  for  the  short  time  ;  together  they  create  the  perfect  brain  child  .  two  months  after  astbury’s  departure  ,  a  golden  bassinet  appears  with  a  baby  girl  wrapped  in  silk  –  the  product  of  two  of  the  wisest  minds  ,  a  mix  of  godhood  &  mortality  .  kennedy  doesn’t  know  who  the  goddess  really  is  ,  but  she  knows  the  baby  is  hers  .

              she  grows  as  ji  su  ,  americanized  as  dana  –  the  smartest  woman  kennedy  has  ever  gotten  to  meet  &  dana  grows  up  loved  .  what  the  gods  lack  in  familial  love  ,  mankind  makes  up  for  it  ;  ji  su  ,  as  called  by  only  her  mom  ,  grows  into  a  remarkable  child  .  grey  eyes  that  look  like  they  belong  to  a  middle  aged  woman  ,  a  mind  that  knows  too  much  for  someone  so  young  –  they  see  everything  .  the  horns  hidden  the  mailman’s  hair  ,  the  one  eyed  man  giving  her  a  kind  smile  when  she  hands  him  a  daisy  ,  the  winged  creatures  flying  over  her  mom’s  new  job  ;  dana  holds  enough  wisdom  to  make  a  god  stop  .  kennedy  loves  her  more  than  herself  ,  waters  her  with  knowledge  &  sunshine  to  raise  her  as  an  extraordinary  human  being  .  dana  never  knows  life  without  love  until  she  returns  home  from  an  after  school  club  just  in  time  to  see  a  creature  hold  a  sword  of  celestial  bronze  through  her  mom  .  ten  years  old  ,  witnessing  her  a  woman  with  one  goat  leg  &  one  metal  leg  kill  kennedy  –  on  the  basis  that  kennedy  knew  something  about  olympus  .  she  didn’t  ,  but  she  paid  the  price  anyway  &  dana  runs  after  the  creature  ,  intent  on  getting  revenge  .

             𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫  𝐢𝐢  .  labelled  officially  as  a  missing  person  ,  it’s  a  lot  harder  than  she  thinks  to  survive  without  getting  caught  .  but  dana  has  always  been  smart  ,  she  is  sharp  ,  witty  &  quick  on  her  feet  .  it  takes  only  DAYS  for  her  to  find  the  creature  –  an  empousa  ,  learned  from  research  &  any  other  monster  that’ll  help  her  .  the  monsters  on  the  streets  are  kind  to  her  ,  they  spot  a  helpless  demigod  with  a  dirt  caked  face  &  dana  doesn’t  know  it  ,  but  it’s  the  most  kindness  she’ll  experience  for  years  .  a  month  later  ,  the  celestial  sword  taken  from  the  empousa  hangs  on  her  hip  –  along  with  a  lessoned  learned  ;  vengeance  &  revenge  don’t  feel  as  good  as  she  thought  it  would  .  the  monster’s  dead  ,  but  so  is  her  mom  .  a  prayer  sent  to  gods  of  every  pantheon  –  greek  ,  roman  ,  egyptian  ,  norse  ;  she  asks  for  help  ,  for  a  blessing  because  she  knows  they’re  real  &  if  they’re  real  ,  wouldn’t  they  help  a  child  ?  NO  ANSWER  .  it  takes  another  month  before  she  stumbles  past  the  borders  of  camp  half  blood  ,  bloodied  &  bruised  .  it’s  chiron  who  shows  her  around  ,  places  her  in  the  hermes  cabin  with  other  greek  demigods  like  her  .  some  have  lesser  gods  as  parents  ,  some  –  like  her  –  are  unclaimed  .  the  game  ,  to  figure  out  which  god  is  her  parent  ,  which  god  has  deemed  her  unworthy  to  sit  alone  in  the  hermes  cabin  .  everyone  knows  –  even  she  does  ,  the  eyes  are  a  dead  giveaway  .

              but  the  claim  doesn’t  come  &  what’s  supposed  to  be  home  quickly  turns  into  a  prison  .  she  wastes  away  alongside  the  bitter  ,  she  barely  gets  to  go  on  quests  (  on  the  basis  that  upon  completion  ,  she’ll  be  claimed  –  mr  .  d  tells  her  to  shove  it  ,  chiron  agrees  with  her  )  only  to  return  empty  handed  with  one  less  companion  .  scar  after  scar  ,  death  after  death  ,  she  turns  to  the  gods  empty  handed  ,  rid  of  the  offerings  she  used  to  make  .  a  CURSE  upon  athena  ,  a  CURSE  on  all  the  gods  who  sit  by  &  watch  their  children  fight  THEIR  battles  .  demigods  ,  their  children  ,  born  to  be  pawns  for  the  divine  –  to  fight  enemies  their  parents  made  for  them  ,  to  DIE  so  the  olympians  don’t  have  to  .  resentment  in  her  core  ,  she  falls  into  ranks  with  the  blond  boy  in  cabin  eleven  .  luke  castellan  ,  the  one  who  whispers  with  the  sleeping  one  ,  the  scarred  boy  who  promises  her  glory  &  change  .  the  gods  need  a  wake  up  call  ,  who  better  to  give  it  than  their  children  ?  she  leaves  the  summer  after  the  son  of  poseidon  arrives  –  keeps  a  hand  on  luke’s  shoulder  with  a  promise  of  changing  the  way  the  gods  treat  their  children  .

              𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫  𝐢𝐢𝐢  .  a  year  spent  with  a  rising  army  before  luke  asks  her  to  go  back  .  thalia’s  tree  is  dying  ,  an  inside  man  or  two  never  hurt  anybody  .  a  little  bit  stronger  ,  a  little  bit  more  trained  ,  she  arrives  at  the  same  place  she  had  stumbled  into  five  years  prior  –  four  years  stuck  in  the  hermes  camp  ,  one  spent  on  the  run  with  a  boy  king  .  almost  immediately  upon  her  arrival  ,  a  blessing  is  sent  from  athena  –  some  call  it  a  welcome  back  ,  but  dana  is  smart  enough  to  know  the  true  reasoning  behind  her  claim  .  the  gods  are  scared  ,  athena  herself  knows  of  dana’s  potential  &  the  claim  is  an  attempt  at  appeasing  her  but  dana  is  far  too  gone  .  it’s  not  enough  ,  she  leaves  when  the  golden  fleece  is  brought  back  .  one  of  many  demigods  to  go  missing  ,  she  finds  solace  on  board  the  princess  andromeda  .  the  monsters  here  have  shown  her  more  kindness  &  familial  love  than  the  gods  ever  have  .  under  luke’s  instruction  ,  she  grows  into  a  formidable  opponent  –  boasting  extraordinary  skill  with  any  weapon  she  chooses  .  she  grows  closer  to  the  commander  as  well  ,  shares  his  troubles  from  a  distance  while  she  keeps  her  head  down  .  dana  pledges  herself  to  his  cause  ,  pledges  to  stand  by  himself  through  all  of  it  &  mourns  luke  when  kronos  arrives  in  his  place  .  blue  eyes  turn  to  gold  ,  dana  goes  from  warrior  to  sword  .

              chosen  by  kronos  himself  ,  she  spends  an  unprecedented  amount  of  time  with  the  titan  –  often  out  of  sight  from  other  demigods  .  he  freezes  time  for  them  (  like  he  does  every  demigod  he  chooses  to  twist  )  ,  fractions  of  the  care  she’s  always  searched  for  shining  through  the  cracks  ;  she  learns  a  different  way  of  fighting  ,  a  different  way  of  feeling  ,  of  thinking  .  dana  learns  from  the  best  a  titan   reminding  her  of  her  worth  .  wrapped  in  resentment  &  the  blessing  of  a  titan  ,  respect  turns  to  admiration  to  a  twisted  psyche  before  she’s  gearing  up  for  the  battle  of  the  labyrinth  with  a  sour  reminder  –  the  gods  never  cared  ,  he  did  .  with  her  features  hidden  behind  a  helmet  made  of  GOLD  ,  she  proves  her  prowess  erupting  from  the  labyrinth  ,  striking  down  demigods  &  the  family  that  never  cared  for  her  .  after  an  untimely  defeat  ,  one  more  year  is  spent  preparing  .  underneath  his  instruction  ,  dana  continues  to  grow  into  a  weapon  at  his  disposal  &  she’s  blind  to  the  obvious  fact  –  he  never  loved  her  ,  she’s  simply  a  tool  for  them  to  use  .  blindly  naive  ,  she  continues  to  launch  herself  into  battle  ,  lay  her  life  down  in  hopes  of  waking  the  gods  up  .  she  ascends  to  her  peak  ,  unaware  that  everyone  is  waiting  for  her  to  come  crashing  down  .

              𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫  𝐢𝐯  .  charged  with  her  own  command  in  the  battle  for  manhattan  ,  monsters  &  demigods  alike  listen  to  her  orders  .  demigods  of  her  own  kind  fall  under  her  sword  &  she  doesn’t  know  it  ,  but  dana  is  only  one  of  many  chosen  champions  –  one  small  member  of  a  small  class  .  they’re  all  tools  at  his  disposal  &  he’s  manipulated  them  all  in  their  own  ways  ;  to  the  other  demigod  commander  slain  by  an  arrow  ,  he  promised  glory  .  to  the  other  commander  who  charges  the  hunters  of  artemis  ,  he  promised  revenge  .  to  dana  ,  struck  down  by  a  celestial  bronze  sword  ,  he  promised  love  .  they  all  have  their  titles  gifted  to  them  ,  unbeknownst  that  NOBODY  takes  them  seriously  .  demigods  ,  they’re  pawns  in  kronos’s  game  .  it  isn’t  her  first  time  being  injured  in  battle  ,  often  times  she  returns  to  him  &  lets  him  take  back  the  injury  ,  watches  her  cuts  close  up  underneath  his  power  –  but  this  time  ;  hubris  mixes  with  wrath  &  she  lets  her  guard  down  .  her  hands  around  her  neck  &  blood  pours  from  a  deep  cut  that  silences  her  ,  stranger’s  hands  wrap  around  her  armor  straps  as  she’s  pulled  into  safety  ,  holding  back  blood  with  pale  fingers  .  she  chokes  on  her  own  blood  while  her  life  is  begged  for  ,  she’s  close  to  the  underworld  when  she’s  healed  by  people  she  swears  never  cared  for  her  .  her  survival  is  a  travesty  –  to  both  her  &  camp  half  blood  alike  ;  apollo  himself  tries  to  heal  her  fully  ,  but  in  punishment  he  lets  her  suffer  .  twenty  years  old  ,  her  throat  slit  in  retribution  for  her  actions  .

              after  the  war  ,  a  month  spent  recovering  as  she  radiates  like  a  beacon  of  disappointment  .  grief  ,  for  the  titan  &  his  host  –  mixed  with  resentment  &  distrust  .  they’re  split  on  whether  she  should  stay  –  she  chose  the  opposite  side  until  her  dying  breath  ,  the  demigods  that  saved  her  can  still  account  for  the  blood  flung  from  her  mouth  while  she  tried  to  curse  them  .  so  she  keeps  her  distance  ,  but  she  stays  because  she  has  nowhere  else  to  go  –  no  degree  ,  no  identification  ,  not  direction  .  in  the  rivalry  ,  she  keeps  her  mouth  shut  but  she  stands  with  the  cabins  –  it’s  everything  she  fought  for  ,  it’s  all  the  forgotten  wanted  &  she’ll  gladly  go  to  war  for  it  again  .  but  ,  she’s  changed  –  the  image  of  a  lethal  opponent  turned  to  crestfallen  girl  .  she  doesn’t  talk  much  anymore  ,  she  doesn’t  use  her  ability  for  much  ,  doesn’t  train  ,  doesn’t  fight  .  most  often  found  with  a  couple  of  scared  satyrs  while  she  spends  the  day  at  arts  &  crafts  .  but  though  quiet  ,  she  still  harbors  unimaginable  HATRED  for  the  gods  –  she’ll  never  love  or  respect  them  the  way  they  want  her  to  .  they  want  her  to  shed  her  title  of  traitor  but  refuse  to  call  her  the  sword  of  kronos  ,  they  want  her  to  beg  for  a  new  title  at  their  feet  ;  dana  will  never  beg  them  for  anything  .

❛   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗   𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊   ╱  𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

exterior  .  an  outlier  in  camp  ,  dana  pretty  much  spent  more  time  with  the  titans  than  she  did  at  camp  half  blood  .  a  faint  scar  on  her  neck  ,  she  wears  it  like  a  brand  burned  onto  her  skin  .  despite  the  power  that  she  displays  (  a  gift  of  telumkinesis  ,  along  with  skill  &  prowess  learned  by  both  kronos  &  luke  himself  )   ,  she  doesn’t  use  her  power  for  much  these  days  .  cogent  ,  she’s  good  with  her  words  &  swaying  people  onto  her  side  –  which  she  used  a  lot  more  during  the  war  ,  since  these  days  she  mostly  keeps  her  mouth  shut  .  

a  beacon  of  pessimistic  energy  ,  dana  still  isn’t  shy  about  her  dislike  for  the  gods  .  she  says  often  ,  that  if  she  had  to  do  it  all  again  ,  she  wouldn’t  change  a  thing  .  the  gods  continue  to  disappoint  her  ,  continue  to  wrong  her  &  do  everything  in  the  crudest  of  ways  ,  so  dana  continues  to  be  a  blasphemous  follower  in  the  camp  .  she’s  still  here  simply  because  she  has  nowhere  else  to  go  –  no  degree  ,  no  schooling  ,  nothing  to  give  her  a  way  out  –  dana’s  technically  still  a  missing  person anyway  ;  so  until  she  figures  out  a  permanent  way  to  leave  ,  she’s  stuck  .

interior  .  she  almost  misses  kronos  –  at  this  point  ,  she  can  see  that  he  was  the  greatest  manipulator  of  all  but  she  really  felt  so  loved  underneath  him  .  he  saw  her  for  her  ,  molded  her  into  an  outstanding  warrior  &  dana  owes  him  EVERYTHING  .  but  she  understands  now  how  bad  he  is  ,  how  much  chaos  could’ve  been  unleashed  had  he  won  ,  but  it  doesn’t  erase  the  twisted  care  she  still  holds  for  luke  or  the  quiet  idolization  that  still  lingers  for  kronos  .  she  held  a  title  in  the  titan  army  &  it  still  makes  her  see  red  when  she  thinks  about  how  she  went  from  the  sword  of  kronos  to  traitor  in  the  blink  of  an  eye  .

honed  with   pessimism  ,  dana  is  still  incredibly  intelligent  ,  incredibly  potent  but  she  spends  a  lot  of  time  alone  .  she  prefers  the  isolation  in  contrast  to  spending  time  with  her  siblings  or  any  other  demigod  ;  festers  alone  in  very  toxic  thoughts  about  ‘  hm  shoulda  died  hate  it  here  ’  vibes  .  a  lot  of  regret  ,  a  lot  of  very  twisted  thoughts  having  grown  up  with  the  Worst  Villain  Ever  pretty  much  raising  her  .

midway  .  an  entirely  too  gifted  demigod  ,  completely  wasted  on  the  bad  guys  .  in  a  theoretical  letter  from  athena  ,  dana’s  godly  mother  expresses  her  disappointment  that  she  created  such  a  potent  warrior  just  to  watch  her  fight  for  the  wrong  side  .  determined  to  give  up  her  powers  ,  she  was  only  recently  informed  she  HAD  telumkinesis  .  convinced  she  had  been  trained  by  a  titan  himself  &  that’s  where  her  weaponry  mastery  stemmed  from  ,  she’s  learned  that  it  all  stems  from  a  power  .

still  ,  she  has  room  to  grow  ;  in  her  dreams  sent  by  the  goddess  herself  ,  she’s  been  told  that  should  she  want  a  new  title  ,  she  would  have t o  earn  it  –  but  does  she  want  it  ?  does  she  want  to  use  her  power  to  fight  for  the  gods  that  have  only  ever  seen  her  as  a  weapon  ?  dana  doesn’t  know  ,  she  frankly  doesn’t  care  enough  right  now  .

❛   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗   𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖗   ╱  𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧

as  usual  ,  this  got  way  too  fuckin  long  &  i’m  so  sorry  but  dana’s  an  old  &  complicated  muse  .  tl;dr  ,  fought  w  the  titans  ,  kronos  trained  her  personally  (  &  manipulated  her  ,  mayb  there  was  a  lil  sumn  sumn  but  she’s  ,  in  my  opinion  ,  dumb  &  didn’t  realize  she  was  bein  played  )  ,  she  almost  fuckin  died  &  was  saved  by  the  people  she  was  fighting  even  though  she  herself  killed  numerous  demigods  &  now  is  a  quiet  ,  pessimistic  loner  .  hee  hee  ,  all  her  connections  are  here  ,  all  her  wanted  connects  are  here  .  if  u  read  this  all  i  guess  i  owe  you  my  life  ! 

[sadncssfossilized]

sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

[floatingcatacombs]

In Praise of the Blonde Twink who May or May Not be a Trans Girl

12 Days of Aniblogging, Day 3

There’s been something in the air recently. Last year, the New York Times’ fashion magazine published an article titled “Welcome to the Age of the Twink”, a 600-word LGBT hitpiece arguing that a new wave of “art twinks” are redefining what it means to be an ideal male. The author argues that the term “twink” is being broadened past just gay culture and we should slap it on every slim attractive straight white dude that we see in order to overturn toxic masculinity. Because there’s nothing more revolutionary than, er, fairly conventional western beauty standards.

The internet promptly responded by shitting on the author’s brazen attempt to export twinkness to the straight world. I too think it’s an awful take, but I get the feeling there was a satirical bend to the article that got edited out or otherwise miscommunicated. After all, the author is a gay man; why would he misrepresent and diminish his own community like that?

The broadening and appropriation of LGBT terminology is a touchy subject, so I’ll save it for another day. If taking gay terminology and morphing it into new definitions is en vogue nowadays, I’m happy to join ranks with Nick Haramis and add new meanings to “twink”. Let’s talk about twinks as Schrodinger’s trans girls.

Unfortunately, I have a type when it comes to media, and it’s twinks who I can project transness onto if I desire it. These characters are beacons of androgyny, male-at-birth characters with some connection to femininity via their appearance or their actions. Often, this connection is left unclear by the end of their series, leaving plenty of room for me to imagine “OK so they’re totally gonna be a girl for real now”. This archetype has proven a very useful crutch for me over the years. For so long, media about cis femininity was too intimidating and distant for me to even dream of consuming. During that time, I read lots of manga and played lots of games starring androgynes, allowing myself to project onto them as well as project their character onto girlhood. (see where this leads by transitive property?) Also, a lot of them were blonde (I’m not gonna read into this! My hair is closer to brown tho). With that out of the way, let me rip my heart open and highlight some of those twinks that I’ve latched so strongly onto throughout the years.

 Kuranosuke from Princess Jellyfish

I’ve written a whole writeup on Kuranosuke, so if you’ve read that you should know where I’m coming from! Kuranosuke is graced with natural femininity and a desire to perform it, and lands himself into a situation where he must pass on a daily basis while designing fashion for the girls of the Amars house. Kuranosuke’s crossdressing is both effortless and extremely laborious, but it always pays off.

Kaito from Himegoto: Juukyuusai no Seifuku

Himegoto is one of the messiest mangas I’ve ever read. Three characters spiral around each other while desperately trying to negotiate their orientations, gender presentations, and livelihoods with each other and with themselves. Kaito is the standout for me – a ‘guy’ who crossdresses in a desperate attempt to ‘mirror’ his ideal image of femininity. Kaito radiates extremely eggy energies, and it’s increasingly obvious as the plot goes on that all his justification is elaborate smoke and mirrors for his desire to simply be a woman. He begins by projecting his feminine ideals onto his tomboyish friend, but by the end of the manga it all comes collapsing back onto himself. The epilogue leaves it rather ambiguous, but one can only hope that Kaito figured it all out by then. 

Alucard from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night  

Symphony of the Night is one of my favorite Castlevanias and maybe games of all time. I’ve always been in love with its hand-in-hand elegance and jankiness. Unlike Kaito and Kuranosuke, we’re going to have to stretch out of the canon to justify this placement, but I assure you it will be worth it. In Symphony of the Night, Alucard is a tall deep-voiced bishounen and that’s that. However, the eva problems classic “YOUR ASSHOLE DAD’S CASTLE IS BACK AGAIN” adds a sickening new twist onto the game: what if Alucard wanted to be a woman? This article retraces the full plot and route of SOTN, adding extra backstory and inner thoughts showing Alucard’s visceral bodily discomfort and twisted-up jealousy towards the female monsters of the castle. Eventually, she takes those terrifying first steps towards accepting oneself as a woman. It’s one of the most effective recontextualizations of a piece of media that I’ve ever read, and I’m not afraid to admit that it reassured and helped me with my own transition a few months down the line. Plus, the idea of Alucard But A Girl is somewhere near my ideal aesthetic. 

Ryo Asuka from Devilman

--devilman spoilers--

Ryo is a bit of an oddity. A total weirdo, he doesn’t particularly demonstrate femininity throughout most of the series beyond just being kind of fluffy and cute in the 80s OVAs. However, this all changes in some of the final chapters, when Ryo is revealed to be Satan in disguise. Though every Devilman adaptation has a very different artstyle, Satan’s designed has remained the same: an androgynous fallen angel possessing both breasts and a penis. There’s a lot of associations and implications to unpack there, but I’m not going to do that in this article! While it doesn’t necessarily recontextualize Ryo’s human existence, he sure still is a twink with some Gender happening around him.

  Venus from We Know The Devil

Ok, this one’s just a girl! No questions about it! Someone get her some hugs and a bottle of estradiol, stat!

Honorable Mentions:

Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2

As much as I love slapping the “GIRL” label onto any blonde twink I can find, Raiden’s MGS2 arc of intense emasculation works way better if he's actually a guy. If there’s any further gender stuff happening with Raiden, it’s actually to be found in MGS4 and Metal Gear Rising, in which Raiden sheds his twinkish flesh to become a way more masc cyborg ninja. As The Cyborg Manifesto teaches us, cyborgs are one hell of a post-gender tool. Honestly, reading Raiden as FTM may work way better than parsing him as a trans girl, I just don’t have the specific background and ability to do that headcanon justice.

Lio Fotia from Promare

Promare was maybe the first time I saw a blonde twink character and didn’t  immediately think it might be better if they were a girl. Amidst all its discussions of immigration, racism, and climate change, Promare finds time to be real gay, in a delightfully masc4fem way. Together, Lio and Galo stretch the full spectrum of male presentation, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them.

 So that’s that! I hope you enjoyed the lineup of twinks who are dear to my heart, and maybe learned a thing or two from my ramble at the start.

[bleachedjam]

Rambling on sexuality. Apparently you can't do a cut on mobile? Sorry then. Pretend there is one here and scroll past this.

I've always tried to find a label that fit me. I had never felt liked I liked anyone in the traditional sense. Girls and boys were on an even playing field for me. No one set me a flutter. There was no lust at first sight. But the way my peers discussed it made me feel...odd. Displaced? Like I was missing a joke everyone else got. So I faked it.

In elementary school, 5th grade, all the other girls picked a celebrity boy they had a crush on. I remember being confused how they decided. So I picked Aaron Carter, I think because I liked his song, "I want Candy". I mimicked what they said about their crushes, "he's so hot!" Another girl also liked Aaron Carter, but as I was a bit of an outcast we never discussed it. (His picture was on her binder.)

In middle school I tried to take up drawing. I had a sketch book I filled with drawings of both men and women. I gave the women large breasts and revealing shirts. My mother looked through my sketch book, and one night I heard her telling her friend, "all the breasts are so large, what if shes a lesbian?". And I considered it. What if I was? I had no idea. I felt the same way about men and women still. My friends were branching out and dating and talking about crushes on boys in school. I picked a boy I was friends with and pretended to like him. I even faked a journal entry and left it out so a friend would see.

In Jr. High I briefly dated a boy who was friends with a boy my friend was dating. He was crass and kind of a jerk. Someone asked me why I was dating him, because he, "looked and dressed weird". I tried to figure out which features were desirable, but all the guys my friends liked were so varied.

High school hit me hard. Something was wrong with me I was sure. I decided to just date whoever liked me. Less choices on my part. In October we held a Octoberfest carnival thing. My anime club, yes I was in anime club, had a booth were we sold churros. I met a guy a year older than me who ended up liking me. So I "liked" him. We dated until February. He rarely showered and never brushed his teeth. I always felt gross when we hung out. In February a friend admitted to liking me. I broke up with the other guy for obvious reasons and accepted when the new one asked me out.

Things seemed fine at the start but this guy would go on to mentally and verbally abuse me for 5 more years and torment me for a year after that. I confided in him how I never liked anyone and never had crushes the same way others did. This was the first of many things he would use against me. He convinced me to have sex with him, because once I did I'd like him and be attracted to him. And when that didn't work, well I'd already done it, so I had to keep doing it. Then when I doubted things and didn't like being with him, he'd play on my various insecurities. "You'll never really like someone, it will always be fake. Might as well stay with me." "No one will like you if you can't feel the same way back, your lucky to have me." "I'm the only guy you can ever get." And beyond that to, "No one else would want a depressed sack of fat like you. I'm doing you a favor." "There's so much wrong with you, how can you ever expect to do better?" "Your so ugly and fat I can't believe I stoop to your level." And worse and worse yet. It was a slow descent over almost 2 years, but when he had me where he wanted me, he started to cheat on me. I couldn't leave, I wanted to die. The years with him were the worst of my life. And I trace it all back to not understanding how to tell if I wanted to be with someone.

We graduated and he moved into my house. The abuse only got worse. I developed fibromyalgia and other chronic illness, believed to be from "trauma". His abuse escalated after that. I couldn't escape him. And why would I want to? No one would ever take a broken piece of shit like me. He was doing me a favor.

He ended up leaving me. I never had the strength to leave him. He left me for, in his words, "a healthy girl with no problems". For the next year or so he'd get drunk and contact me. Eventually I stopped all communication. I ended up getting a tattoo he had forbade me from getting. It was freeing.

I tried the online dating scene for awhile. I desperately didn't want to be alone. But I couldn't connect with anyone. People would send me messages and I'd see pictures but I never met up with anyone. No one ever stood out. I didn't know what or how to pick someone.

My sister had a friend from Canada she played games with online. I played with them a few times and he invited his work friend to play to. I won't say we hit it off. My sister and her friend logged off and then me and the other guy were left alone. We talked, he seemed nice. After a few months the two of them got invited down to our house for a gaming convention in the area. The friend and I had grown close and he decided he liked me. I knew this time, I did not like him.

But as it goes, that didn't matter. He came down, stayed at our house and asked me out. I said no. He pushed and guilt tripped me until I said yes. He stayed a week. Everything was a guilt trip. He bought me something so I owed him. He came all this way, so I owed him. I said yes, so I owed him. When he went back home I broke up with him. He staged and gave me a play by play of a suicide attempt. His tactics relied on guilt. I wasn't used to that, so it was hard for me to let go. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Eventually I finally got away from him.

During that time my other sister asked if she could invite a guy she worked with to play league of legends with us, as he was very good and we wanted to win an event or achievement or something. He played with us and we did it.

Him and I talked. I told him about the guy from Canada. The suicide attempt. Most recently he had gotten the bill from the ambulance I sent to his house and said I needed to pay it since it was my fault. I refused and tried to quit talking to him. The new guy and I got close. He was someone I would call my best friend. When the Canada guy started more drama, he asked if we could hang out in real life, because up until then we had only talked online.

We did. I went to his house. We got teriyaki and played Mario cart. Something about this guy was different. He was a best friend but something else. Like our hearts were talking. We connected on a different level, something I had never felt with another person before. On the way home I made a stupid joke about not believing he never had a girlfriend. He asked if I wanted to be his. I said yes.

I gave him a hug goodbye. I kissed him on the cheek. He tried to kiss me on the cheek too but I moved and he missed and we had our first kiss. Everything was right in ways I never felt before.

Today we're set to be married, living together and have an amazing daughter. I couldn't imagine life with anyone else. I can confidently say, he is the first person I've actually liked. Romantically for sure. Sexually? I still don't know how that works.

I throughly enjoy sex with him. I desire the intimacy and connection and obviously it feels good. But honestly, what the hell is sexually attraction? Because I enjoy it does that mean I'm attracted? I don't know. I've never looked at anyone and gotten any...sexual feelings from looking at them.

I enjoy drawn porn and porn comics from an aesthetic point. The art is beautiful. The human body is wonderful. But it doesn't do anything for me. I like the art, the shapes, the aesthetic of porn. But it doesn't make me feel anything or make me want to do anything.

To masturbate or have sex I have to focus on the sensations alone, or how my partner feels. I've never found porn that works for me. I don't get horny from visuals at all. Half the time I forget he does. I'll be changing and he makes a move and I'll just be confused as to what got him in the mood. I feel a disconnect between it all.

There was a while where I called myself asexual. Seemed close. But the more I tried to fit in with the community the more I felt odd. Not outcast, because the asexual community is amazing, but more like I was fitting an oval peg into a circle hole. Close, but not quite.

When I consider it, men and women are almost equal to me. I think I may be more drawn to women at least visually. If I hadn't met my fiance I would have loved to date a woman. I enjoy the female form more from a aesthetic stand point.

So lately I've been wondering if maybe I was pansexual. A friend of mine is pan and she posted a quote about being attracted to the person, not the body. It felt more right and more like me than anything I had seen from the asexual community. But at the same time, my sample size of people I've liked it only at one. So I have no idea.

I also wonder, does it matter? I'm going to be with the person I am with forever now. I don't need to find anyone else, so it doesn't matter which gender preference I have or don't have.

I guess with Pride month I've been thinking about it a lot. There is a lot of talk of, "fly your flag high and have pride!" But what if you don't have a flag?

I feel queer. That's about as far as I've gotten. I don't know if I'll ever find something past that or not. Right now queer feels fine, just unsure. I guess I'm somewhere between sexuality is fluid and still figuring myself out. Who even knows what attraction is.

So happy Pride month everyone.

[dyingunknown-blog]

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity,  sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long. 

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh. 

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3 

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.” 

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on. 

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart: 

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality. 

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not?  Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church??? 

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused. 

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.)  I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion.  It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.” 

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.” 

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but  the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it. 

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.)  I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to  tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis:  I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

 In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred. 

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before. 

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

 Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.) 

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me. 

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

[sanguisfulgur]

Profile: Salem

Full Name: Salem Hikari

Nickname(s):·Sale, Lemmy (only by his twin sister), adopts the alias Aiden Woodgrove frequently to match his sister’s most used alias.

Title: The Hunter

Age: Mid to late 20s (appearance), 31 (actual age)

Birthday: October 25th (1987)

Species: Vampire (better life verse)

Ethnicity: White, with historic Japanese routes on father’s side of the family.

Nationality: British by birth, holder of American Citizenship.

Gender: Male (cis)

Pronoun(s): He/Him/Himself

Romantic Orientation: Panromantic

Sexual Orientation: Pansexual

Birth Order: Twin, younger by a few minutes.

Home Town: Bowness-On-Windermere, England, UK.

Current Residence: Portland, Maine, USA (main)/London, UK (better life)

Religion: Baptised Catholic, but given he knows other gods exist he’s not outwardly religious.

Allegiance: Himself/his sister

Occupation: Hunter

Financial Status: Relatively poor unless a job paid well.

Martial Status: Verse dependant

Status: Active

Fandom: Fandomless OC.

Face Claim: Matthew Daddario

Physical Traits

Face Shape: Somewhere between oval and heart-shaped.

Forehead: Rounded, average in broadness.

Eyes: Grey in colour with the smallest flecks of blue within them, they are upturned with surprisingly long eye lashes.

Nose: Straight, well-proportioned for face.

Lips: Full, soft.

Teeth: All present, and like all vampires will re-grow if knocked out. They’re in good condition. Fangs are retractable.

Cheeks: Narrow, a touch prominent.

Chin: Small.

Ears: None-protruding, very sensitive to sound due to enhanced hearing..

Facial Hair: Usually clean shaven but occasionally will grow out stubble.

Height: 6′3″

Neck: Average length/broadness.

Torso: Broad, defined abs.

Arms: Well muscled from years of archery training, bears scars on his upper right arm from being clawed by a Cu Sith

Hands:·Long fingers, large hands in accordance with his height.

Legs: Long (All leg much like his twin), well-toned.

Feet: Size 12 (American sizes), nothing otherwise noteworthy.

Texture: Skin is smooth barring the occasionally marring of a scar.

Color: Unnaturally pale/white.

Freckles: None.

Scars: Claw marks from a Cu Sith on his upper right arm, bullet scar on his right calf, miscellaneous scars can be found over his body that have been gathered in his human years.

Stretch Marks:None.

Tattoos: An Anti-possession tattoo on his lower back.

Piercings: None.

Skin Conditions: None.

Texture: Hair is thick and wavy naturally.

Color: Black, dark as his mother’s namesake.

Style and Length: Salem’s hair is uneven and choppy, making it seem messy. The length varies, depending on how long he goes without cutting it but it’s usually kept somewhat short in the back with longer bang/side strands.

Mental and Physical

Overall Health: Excellent

Frequency of Mental Exercise: Often to occasional, Salem likes word puzzles and similar brainteasers.

Frequency of Physical Exercise: Daily training.

Life Philosophy: Protect the innocent above all else.

Life Goal(s): Honestly Salem is rather aimless here. He’s never thought much about what he wants having always imagined himself hunting until the day he died.

Describe Voice: Smooth and friendly, Salem is a flirt and tends to drop to more husky undertones.

Speech Patterns: informal at most times, Salem is casual and direct - blunt, even - in his speech, though not intentionally crass he doesn’t mince his words.

Habits: Tapping his foot (not out of impatience, it’s just a consistent habit whenever he’s idle), clicking his tongue, tilting his head (much like his twin),

Daily Routines: Showering and dressing, taking care of breakfast and some morning exercises or a run, from their it varies as a hunter given he has no set work routine.

Likes: animals (especially dogs), spicy food, cold autumn mornings, rainstorms, bookstores, listening to music to fall asleep, lie-ins, scented candles, long showers, libraries.

Dislikes: being woken up, cream cheese, math, clutter, loud music/noises, nightclubs, hot/humid nights, ignorance, golf, people who stop to talk right in the middle of the path/in doors.

Dreams: A good life for him and his sister.

Motivations: Protecting himself/his twin, eradicating monsters that pose a threat and keeping safe those that don’t.

Interests: literature, animal husbandry, unsolved murders and disappearances

Hobbies: Hiking, reading, spelunking, running, archery, urban exploration.

Skills: Marksmanship, tracking, observing and noting details about a person, exceptionally convincing liar, extensive knowledge of the supernatural and occult, multilingual. As a ‘hunter’ strain vampire he possesses their incredible hunting/tracking abilities, heightened senses an enhanced physical strength/speed ect. Salem can also transform into a colony of bats (or an individual one) and a red fox.

Shortcomings: Aggressive with an easily-provoked temper, has a tendency to disregard his physical well-being when it comes to others, co-dependency issues with his twin, struggles to memorise numbers (such as dates, phone numbers ect.)

Weakness(es): His twin sister, his strain of vampire (different from his twin’s) are vulnerable to silver in their first year of transformation as well as to sunlight in that first year. Congealed blood can cause nausea. Beyond that killing them is a difficult process: They must stabbed through the heart with a Bowie knife/white oak stake then the head must be cut off and the heart removed; after this the limbs must be cut off and all burned separately, the ashes from each part must also be buried separately and NOT scattered.

Regret(s): Leaving to go hunt without his twin and thus her being alone and then being turned by Theo. It’s not his fault by any means, but he blames himself for not being there.

Fear(s): Losing his twin, otherwise failing to keep people safe.

Phobia(s):·Arachnophobia (that he will not freely admit to) & Taphophobia (fear of being buried alive)

Mental Illness(es): PTSD

When and how was this diagnosed?:· Has not been properly diagnosed, but all the symptoms are there and obvious to anyone who knows how the condition manifests.

Other Illness(es): N/A

When and how was this diagnosed?: N/A

Physical Disability(ies): N/A

When was this diagnosed and/or how did it happen?:

Other:·

Personality

Usual Mood/Expression:· Salem on the outside tends to appear calm, mouth pulled upwards into a half-smile. He’s less paranoid than his sister an so more outwardly approachable in appearance to strangers.  He is however easily provoked.

Moral Alignment: Chaotic Good/Neutral

Jung: ESFP

Enneagram: Type 8  (The Challenger)

Four Temperaments:·Sanguine

Soul Type: Caregiver/Hunter

Common Archetypes: The Caregiver

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Top Five Tropes:·Grey Eyes, Anti-Hero, Twin Telepathy, Friendly Neighborhood Vampire, Hunter of Monsters

Five Prominent Traits:·Loyal, Aggressive, Protective, Distrustful, Reckless

Misc

Food:·.Salem is not a fussy eater by any means but he does have a love for spicy food, French pastries and curry udon.

Drinks:·Coffee, fresh orange juice, Dr. Pepper and negroni cocktails

Books: Great Expectations, Harry Potter, Mortal Engines, Tolkien’s legendarium, The Book Thief & ASOIAF.

Movies/TV Shows: Salem is a sucker for high fantasy and steampunk aesthetics s he tens to gravitate to those kinds of shows/movies. Like his sister however, he likes to watch horrors in order to rip them apart.

Music: Rock (particularly indie/alt style), indie pop and general ‘alternative’ labelled music.

Video Games: Horror Survivors and First Person Shooters are where he shines.

Weapons:· Possesses multiple handguns, crossbows and compound bows, a shotgun, machete, rapier, numerous other blade types, throwing knives a recursive bow, poisons, unconventional weaponry needed against the supernatural (dead blood, crosses ect.); he also has knowledge of curse/hex breaking. .

Drugs: N/A

Elements: Lightning/Water.

Animals:·Dogs, wolves, bats, corvids. The animal he is like in spirit is a·fox.

Plants: Lily-of-the-valley and red roses but he’s not much of plant person in terms of knowing what most are called ect.

Stats

Self-Love: 5/10

Courage: 8/10

Confidence: 8/10

Pride: 6/10

Greed: 3/10

Patience: 4/10

Tolerance: 8/10

Mental Flexibility: 8/10

Passion/Motivation: 8/10

Creativity: 6/10

Education: 5/10 (Formal-education-wise, Salem is more self-educated, educated by others outside of schooling.)

Compassion:·7/10 (Depends on person.) 0/10 for targets or those he despises. 10/10 for those he’s close to and children.

Empathy:·7/10 (Again decreases and rises depending on the being.) 10/10 for those he trusts/cares for, and children. 0/10 for targets.

Loyalty: 10/10·

Forgiveness: 3/10

Sociability: 7/10

Emotional Attachment: 6/10

Physical Attachment: 7/10

Stamina: 10/10

Mental Strength: 5/10

Physical Strength: 10/10

Battle Skill: 7/10

Initiative: 8/10

Restraint: 2/10

Defense: 7/10

Agility: 6/10

Flexibility: 6/10

Strategy: 6/10

Leadership: 5/10

Teamwork: 5/10

Wrath: 9/10

Musical-Rhythmic Intelligence: 7/10

Visual-Spatial Intelligence: 6/10

Verbal-Linguistic Intelligence: 10/10

Logical-Mathematical Intelligence: 4/10

Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence: 10/10

Interpersonal Intelligence: 9/10

Intrapersonal Intelligence: 3/10

Existential Intelligence: 5/10

Naturalistic Intelligence: 7/10

Relationships

Parent(s): Shiro Hikari & Ebony Knight ( Both deceased.), Norio Hikari (Godfather, alive.), Vlad III/Dracula (Adoptive father, alive)

Siblings: Sharna Adrienne Hikari (twin sister, alive)

Significant Other(s):·Verse dependant, Laini (better life verse)

Children: Verse dependant

Family:·Ryou Hikari and Alexandria Hikari (nee Woodgrove.) [Grandparents] & Conrad Knight and Irene Knight (nee Beckett.) [Grandparents,Deceased], Adrienne Knight (Auntie, deceased.), other extended family members he does not know.

Closest Friends:· His twin sister. Though Salem is a friendly and personable man, his co-dependency and distrust of others means he keeps most at an arm’s length.  

Rivals: none, really.

Enemies:·Theo, Thanatos (enemy of his entire family), hunting targets.

Pets: Nova, his sister’s Tamaskan.

Other:·To be added over time.

[avaritia-ffxiv]

Is Saahe gay?

Demi-pan, I'd say. Like Zenos would be the first time he gained any sexual attraction without knowing someone first and that's kind of a special case anyway. We might be able to conclude that shows of strength that surpass his own would be a shortcut to his privates, or we might not.

So I'd still call him demi, and beyond the prerequisite levels of relationship and familiarity, I don't think he gives two fucks about anyone's gender, be it male, female, or something else entirely.

Howeeeever I'm not one for labels, so all of this is pretty inconsequential and I won't enforce any of it.

All that said, he's only been with other men and has absolutely no experience with women in bed. Nor is he likely to ever gain any, considering he's in a steady, closed relationship and that's the hill I'll die on.

And if we want to talk about his attractions, I reckon there's going to be some preferences regarding race and general appearance. Cutesy, pretty flower girls or boys aren't his thing, neither is anyone who overly sexualizes themselves, and I'm not sure that's something he could ever look past. I expect he's also predisposed towards Au Ra and will always find members of his own race more attractive than others. Maybe.

But all of that is really a very moot point since he isn't exactly looking for hookups or relationships or anything of the sort, what with already having one.

Yet I spent several paragraphs talking about it lmfao.

And to talk about it even further because labels and such things aside, I do find it interesting to follow who he does and doesn't vibe with on a physical level, and when he starts vibing with them. Zenos I already went over, and really the only other major player is, of course, Sidurgu. I distinctly remember Saahe's first thoughts about Sidurgu's appearance being this casual "he's kinda cute" where he acknowledged that Sidurgu is aesthetically pleasing, but didn't feel any more strongly than that.

But as the DRK story progressed and he got to know Sidurgu and got the ~emotions~ into play, his attraction to Sidurgu went very hand in hand with their growing relationship. Like, I can't emphasize how together those two grew, all the way to the point where we're talking about rather mature love and "he is extremely hot". It's very much both emotional and physical attraction for Saahe at this point.

But if we look at, say, Magnai, we basically started from the same "he's kinda handsome" annnnnd then never progressed from there 'cause Saahe never took a liking to Magnai. He sort of respects Magnai and doesn't actively dislike him even if he thinks he's kind of ridiculous and too full of himself, but yeah that relationship is just casual, impersonal "we sometimes need to deal with each other but that's it".

There's some other people he finds aesthetically pleasing and not all of them are Au Ra, but yeah as far as legit attraction goes, he doesn't do it often.

[idiopathicsmile]

Wait, you're straight?????? I am honestly surprised to learn this! You write so gay!! (That's a compliment, usually when straight people write queer characters, it's very eye-rolly)

haha oh gosh, that is very kind of you to say!

the short answer to “you’re straight?” is “yeah, think so”

the long answer involves a fuckin ouroboros of overthinking and oversharing, which i will put under a cut if anyone’s curious, but man it’s such a mess.

the older i get, the more i realize that my feelings and experiences don’t entirely line up with being a kinsey scale 0, and the way i categorize my reactions to people is kind of clouded by the fact that i don’t really experience body-specific sexual attraction. 

i get crushes on dudes pretty easily but those don’t feel sexual--i find cute guys aesthetically pleasing, and i want a cute guy to think I’m funny and cute; i don’t daydream about things getting steamy. 

in retrospect, i’ve periodically met women who were so cool and funny and cute that i wanted desperately for them to feel the same way about me. i didn’t harbor secret fantasies of smooching them, i just wanted them to laugh at my jokes. which again, is also how my dude-crushes go, and did i only frame this as platonic here because i expected myself to be straight? did i just lack the cultural framework to look at them as romantic prospects? if it’s this ambiguous, can i safely assume i’m just a hetero who is overthinking things?

i’ve been romantically involved with a couple of folks, and cuddling was the fucking best, but if things went beyond kissing, i was instantly consumed by this feeling of “there are things i’m supposed to want to do to this dude’s body and i don’t even know what i’m supposed to want to do.” without detailed instructions, my mind goes blank. (i’m fine with doing things if i have detailed instructions, and sometimes it even feels really good, but sex is like cooking blindfolded and with earplugs in--there's no instinct i can rely on.) i don’t know how much of that is an anxiety thing, and how much of it maybe suggests some shade of gray ace and/or demisexuality.

i have a libido, but the things that turn me on aren’t specific to gender or biological sex. i’ve felt physical attraction to specific people (often but not always dudes) every now and then but it’s always been situational, based on stuff they were saying or doing in that moment, and it still didn’t correlate with a sense of wanting to do any particular thing to them. 

i am terrified--TERRIFIED--of claiming labels that don’t belong to me. i’ve publicly said that i wasn’t demi or gray ace, and i don’t know if i’m confident enough in all of this to take that back. the traditional narrative for how you are expected to experience physical desire has always always been sort of weird and alienating to me, but again, i’ve always written that off as anxiety about sex, or dismissed it as me being in some sort of arrested development caused by shyness or prudery. (and yeah, if somebody said that to somebody else, i’d be like ‘shut your acephobic mouth’, but man idk.)

i’ve also publicly said i was straight. in my college group of friends, i would frequently be the “obligatory straight girl” and we’d all laugh at my confusion about boobs. honestly, i feel the same way about whichever parts of dude-meat are supposed to be analogous here. (...pecs?) 

but again, at least all the crushes i’ve consciously had have been on dudes. and because of this, i have lived a life where i have never felt oppressed by virtue of who i was dating or wanted to date, and so on a political, “check your privilege” kind of level, i feel like it’s dishonest for me to claim any identity but straight. and since i haven’t had those experiences, especially talking to lgbt folks, it feels like a useful shorthand to say “hey, please call me on my bullshit here”

i very much want a long-term romantic partner. i want to meet somebody i’m super into, who’s super into me, and i want to make dinner with them and hang out and support each other and cuddle, and i want to find somebody patient enough to give me a lot of very specific guidance about what they want in bed, who won’t view my vagueness about sex as a weird burden, because i do want to do those things also.

when experimenting with dating apps, i have a hard enough time just finding someone who’s funny and not racist.

(I have tried to verbalize these misgivings to two of my closest friends, and they both responded with essentially, “y’know, you have the option of just not telling a guy that you’re zero percent attracted to his body.” which, like, i guess? but never discussing this doesn’t feel great to me.)

i think if i do end up with someone, it will be a dude. even if i have another crush on a woman i’d be way too consumed by ‘YOU’RE JUST THE WORST KIND OF STRAIGHT GIRL LEADING ON THIS POOR LESBIAN OR BI LADY’ guilt to pursue her, and even if i somehow did, i think that blank-mind-in-bed thing would feed into my worst anxieties about being an awful straight girl, and it would be frustrating and humiliating for all parties.

if another person told all of this to me, my instinct would be to say, “aw hey, it’s okay if you’re a demisexual bi who leans strongly towards dudes and has a lot of socially imposed hangups” but reading over this post, my inner critic is rolling their eyes, like, oh great, another str8 trying to co-opt other people’s struggles to make herself seem more interesting, so i don’t know.

straight, i guess.

[samk-icelebrities-blog]

SUSTAINABILITY FOR A #HAHT AUDIENCE

In 2015, Miami Swim Week was just another week for those in the swim industry to showcase their upcoming products from their newest swim collections. With minimalistic white washed runways, swim companies from all corners of the world travel to promote their new ideas. Though, with swim shows scaling to about a quarter of a million dollars, those participating have to be diligent and determined to make a mark on the swim world. Though, with all the same silhouettes and “curvy” identifying models, came a new character to the dynamic week. With exquisitely diverse apparel, model choices, and sustainable application, Hot as Hell established themselves as a true threat to the swim world in 2015. Since their debut at swim week, Hot as Hell, or as their family ran company calls it, “HAH”, remains as a dynamic force to the pairing worlds of sexy and sustainability when considering the swim industry as a whole.

Owner and CEO of HAH, Sharleen spent her days in the 90′s designing for the iconic swim division of Victoria’s Secret. This annual collection that is released once a year still remains iconic to the everyday Victoria’s Secret shopper and allows them to activate their summer accessories. Though, while designing these swim collections for so long, Sharleen noticed a detrimental amount of waste that the company was contributing to the world. She didn’t agree with these tactics in more ways than one and left the company to consider what she valued and how she could make change. With these morals in mind, Sharleen set out to create something that embodied both “sexy” and “sustainable.”  With these two core values, Sharleen established “Hot As Hell” , a digitally infused LA fashion label. Their style is designed as a “universal” line where their swim, lingerie, and apparel, can be altered to be worn in numerous ways. Providing a dynamic stance on the ever changing world of fast fashion.

When creating a fashion label to create change, one like Sharleen had to think about the people she surrounded herself with in order to embark on this journey. By cultivating a group of girl bosses into the “HAH” family, Sharleen selectively chose five girls to work hand in hand to make one dream happen. With a vision and all hands on board, The HAH team became a staple to their social audience. But from there, HAH’s efforts to be a transparent company stretched farther then the team making their products. By showcasing those who help to ship, package, and assemble their products, HAH made a universal commitment to show how there is no “I” in team. In the video linked here, you see a dynamic group of workers making Sharleen’s initial vision come true. All handing picking and creating these dynamic tasks, HAH has created an inner empire that reflects on great scales to their outer empire. Showing their audiences that its “cool to care” and that “Starting somewhere is better than not starting at all.”

One element that is a monumental to the HAH brand is their value for sustainability that is implemented into all of their swim and apparel. Looking to the figure above, you can see how HAH utilizes sustainable products to make their everyday wearable collections. With their sources and materials being composed of mainly corn starch, their fabrics are biodegradable. Their suits range from being UV protective, chlorine resistant, to not snagging or pilling. With these core concepts, the team at Hot As Hell has created their own terminology to define things that correlate with their brand by implementing the saying “HAH”, pronounced like laughing sound “ha-ha-ha”, into words like #HAHt, #HAHonesty, and other forms of this catchy phrase to embody their brands identity. From their swim that is made for the modern LA fashion mogul, to their one of “HAH” kind pieces that they thrift and repurpose, Sharleen has implemented the idea of valuing both “sexy” and “sustainability” into their brand’s landscape. Thus, bringing a new lens to the ever boring world of fast fashion when considering style and sustainability. 

From the sustainable aspect comes the deliverables that come with the products bought from HAH. They pride themselves on selling eco friendly clothing but make sure the bags they come in are reusable, recyclable, and overall sustainable as well.  In the figure below, you can see how HAH utilizes their bags for delivery. Along with their ideas behind being sexy and sustainable, HAH has also implemented the hashtag #StartSomewhere into their brand’s universal identity. This idea is implemented into their bags and is truly “HAHt” to their customers who care for the good of the earth while still being stylish. This hashtag also goes into their newest implementation of the HAH brand where with every sale made online, HAH will donate a percentage of the sales to planting trees in ecosystems all across the world. This “One for One” system is trademarked through HAH by using the hashtag #StartSomewhere to activate the ways that they can make change beyond the clothing they wear.  Giving the user a purpose beyond just buying clothes for the aesthetic and style, but for the community and atmosphere we identify with on a daily.

INTERVIEW WITH SHARLEEN ON THE TOPIC OF #STARTSOMETHING

From the well rounded world of sustainability implemented into HAH, Sharleen has also set out to make sure HAH is identifiable by all types of humans. By including models that actually don’t identify as “models” and more as personalities that embody the “go getter” lifestyle of HAH. By incorporating DJs, actors, dancers, and all type of performance based models into their campaigns, Sharleen has created an authentic atmosphere for HAH. This authenticity promotes all types of confident humans being their best selves with overall positive auras. Whether it be bettering themselves or bettering the world around us, HAH is always in collaboration to promote both walks of life into one garment. Even just this past campaign for HAH, Sharleen chose to use a plethora of plus size women from all walks of life to model their newly drafted collection. By having all types of humans in the campaign, Both Sharleen and the identity she has created with HAH shines through at grand scales.  Leaving those who interact with their brand able to always identify with being both sexy and sustainable. 

From sustainability to packaging to inclusion. HAH has made it their mission to check the most boxes and make sure those who identify with brand are mutually satisfied. With this in mind, they have also have made it their mission to make very gender neutral / versatile products. By having soon to be mothers and actual mothers walking alongside their toddlers, both covered in head to toe HAH on the Miami Swim Week catwalk, they have broadcasted that everyone is represented in regard to the brand. Leaving nobody questioning whether or not they align with the brand’s identity. By making clothing for such a modern demographic, HAH has effectively found the niche ways to include those interested with the environment along with being stylish.

In conclusion, when considering the ways HAH has implemented eco friendly clothing into the world of modern fashion, many would commend their strategic brand’s design. From apparel and swim crafted from corn starch to creating reusable and recyclable swim bags, HAH has made it their mission to make their impact on the world of digital fashion. With the background of Sharleen and her past experience working in the fast fashion world of Victoria’s Secret, it is notable to consider the effort she has made to make our world a better place. From the people working with the company to the way she create garments, everything is done effectively with a nod to the world around us. With love infused into every stitch and every cut, Sharleen has created an online empire of “#HAHties” that merge the world of being sustainable and fashionable. Creating and underlying movement that will continue to impact the ways audiences from all corners of the world view and assimilate with the atmosphere around us.

Going forward, HAH will continue to make garments that flatter every shape, size, gender, and all walks of life to embody their collections. By cultivating an atmosphere of its own, HAH will live beyond the world of the fashion industry and effect the ways future clothing brands approach making “Sexy” and “Sustainable” a #HAHT statement.

LINK TO HAH’S WEBSITE

LINK TO HAH’S INSTAGRAM

(ALL IMAGES AND VIDEOS FOUND FROM HOT AS HELLS WEBSITE)

[missboomissquick]

Like many outsiders, Frank Ocean betrays an obsession with identities and objects just beyond his reach. In an excerpt from the Boys Don’t Cry magazine released last week alongside an album, Blonde, a visual album, Endless, and a music video for the song “Nikes,” Ocean writes about an image of a young girl in a car. “I put myself in her seat then I played it all out in my head. The claustrophobia hits as the seatbelt tightens, preventing me from even leaning forward in my seat. the pressing on internal organs. I lean back and forward to release it. Then backwards and forward again. There it is—I got free.”    

Later in the note, he remembers, “Raf Simons once told me it was cliché, my whole car obsession. Maybe it links to a deep subconscious straight boy fantasy. Consciously though, I don’t want straight—a little bent is good.” Ocean is describing his car fanaticism, an obsession that has defined him, while simultaneously articulating a deep alienation. He does not fit the stereotype of the straight, suburban boy with an encyclopedic knowledge of automobiles. In fact, he seemingly finds it easier to access his memories through the figure of the young girl, whose seatbelt invokes a gut memory of entrapment.

To say that Blonde is not straight is an understatement. The album—along with the visual album, art magazine, and “Nikes” video—bends genre, bends gender, and bends time. Ocean drives his car across countries and decades, meandering, and zig-zagging. Returning again and again to scenes from his childhood and adolescence, Ocean leaves linearity by the side of the road. Music becomes a vehicle capable of impossible movement, carrying us inside a thought, inside a moment, inside a fantasy.

Blonde’s unconventional narrative mirrors the real-life story of how the album got here, and all the different forms it has taken throughout its extended gestation. Since the release of his last album Channel Orange in 2012, Ocean has been teasing at this return, releasing various release dates only to abandon them. The journalists who have been burned by broken promises and the fans who have eagerly awaited Ocean’s sophomore album have condemned the singer as outrageously, unnecessarily evasive. Perfectionism is one thing, but what’s the point of setting deadlines only to defy them? Or building a staircase when you should be making music? Or stepping so far out of genre that half the tracks on your album don’t even have a drum beat?

Frank Ocean dashes expectations and refuses definitions for a reason. His phobia of labels and limits isn’t just an affectation—its essential to his art and his self-expression. In 2012, on the cusp of Channel Orange’s release, the critically acclaimed artist published a description of his first love, a male friend who didn’t romantically reciprocate. Ocean’s sexuality is, as he describes it, “dynamic”—a self-assessment that hasn’t stopped journalists from pigeonholing him as bisexual or gay. This refusal of conventional terms is becoming more and more common among younger generations, who increasingly reject binary constructs. Dynamism is at the heart of both the artist and his oeuvre. It’s also part of an ever-evolving definition of queerness.

Just like Blonde, which refuses to stand still, queerness is less of a location or endpoint and more of a horizon. In the words of queer theorist José Muñoz, “Queerness is not yet here… Put another way, we are not yet queer. We may never touch queerness.” Here queerness is defined not by a destination or a term, but by constant motion. For Ocean, this theorization is tantamount. As Ocean told GQ in 2012 in regards to his uncategorized sexuality and music, “I’m giving you what I feel like you can feel… The other shit, you can’t feel. You can’t feel a box. You can’t feel a label.” By refusing to claim an identity, he reserves the right to constantly redefine.

This is not to say that Blonde fully evades the question of homosexuality. In “Good Guy,” Ocean croons about being taken on a date to a “gay bar.” The date then fizzles into romantic disappointment: “I know you don’t need me right now / And to you it’s just a late night out.” Ocean’s LGBT influences are also on display in “Ambience 001: In a Certain Way,” a short interlude on Endless that samples the voice of iconic drag queen Crystal LaBeija.

But Ocean references bitches just as often as he references boys. It’s the kind of irreverence and mutability that makes Ocean such a difficult gay icon, and such an intriguing queer one. Frank does not seem inclined to take on any responsibilities as the hip-hop world’s pre-eminent gay artist—a label he’s never claimed and does not seem likely to. While he wrote eloquently and openly on the Orlando Pulse shooting, Blonde doesn’t contain any similarly political gay statements or eulogies.

Throughout the album, visual album, and magazine, he seems more preoccupied with disorientation than orientation. While Apple Music lists the album as Blonde, the cover art reads Blond. This interchangeable masculine and feminine is at the heart of the video for “Nikes,” a song named after a traditionally masculine hip-hop fetish. The video weaves together shots of Ocean in glitter and heavy makeup with nude men and women, dancing in angel wings. Ocean’s ability to sample from gendered aesthetics and expectations even as he pulls from various genres and indulges in multiple media reveals his unflinching commitment to flexibility in all things. And while Frank makes this restlessness look like art, and even makes it look like fun, it’s more than just lighthearted experimentation. To define oneself leads to pressures and responsibilities—to produce another Channel Orange, or to pen the next gay anthem. On “Nikes,” Ocean shouts out Trayvon Martin, musing, “That n**** looked just like me.” Identities, from race to sexual orientation, can trap, define, even kill. Artistically, they can stagnate. And so, Ocean keeps moving, citing over 40 musical contributors on an album that refuses categorization or ideological co-option.

Of course, the way Ocean approaches queerness is partly pragmatic. Hip-hop has never had a gay superstar. As a community, the hip-hop world is still plagued by homophobia, and prohibitive molds of masculinity. While male rappers are expected to abide by certain conventions, there appears to be a loophole for MCs who have expanded their artistic reach. One example is Young Thug, a rapper who was featured in Calvin Klein’s Autumn/Winter 2016 campaign. In a video for the brand, Young Thug spoke to his penchant for pulling outfits from menswear and womenswear, explaining, “I feel like there is no such thing as gender.” While Young Thug’s remarks triggered a bit of a backlash, with hip-hop fans and media outlets musing on his sexuality, there also seemed to be an increasing understanding that queerness isn’t synonymous with homosexuality. It’s also important to note that Young Thug stated his progressive philosophy in a fashion forum, not on a track or in a Breakfast Club interview. Jaden Smith was similarly embraced by sartorial tastemakers for his androgynous style, proving that while gendered experimentation might be rare in hip-hop, its male denizens can find precedent and encouragement by dipping into outside worlds.

Like Kanye West before him, Frank Ocean is exploiting this distancing loophole by presenting himself as a multi-faceted artist. By making stairs, shooting film, and producing magazines, Ocean defies the rapper label just as he shirks a gay or bisexual identification. By deliberately refusing to be known as a gay rapper or a bisexual man in hip-hop, Ocean can partially skirt the homophobic bias that the hip-hop community can’t seem to shake.

Queer, which is not a single, stable identity, might be more accurately described as an active critique of the normal and the normative. Normality is not universally accessible, or universally desired. The queer subject, forced to the outside, is given the complicated gift of perspective. Blonde is made rich through this looking in. Frank Ocean, a sexually fluid, black man who attempts to defy gender, is just the outsider to take on America in 2016. In Ocean’s capable hands, the familiar becomes strange. In Boys Don’t Cry, Ocean queers Americana, photographing a man putting on his underwear in a field, and sharing images of young men with automobile logos shaved into their heads. In a featured poem, Kanye West manages to write a deeply unsettling ode to the most ubiquitous fast-food joint in America: McDonald’s. In “Nights,” Ocean is homeless in Texas after being run out of Louisiana by Hurricane Katrina. In all these complementary projects, things that are quintessentially American—McDonald’s, cars, the South—are taken and made unfamiliar and disquieting through the lens of race, trauma, and sexuality. Ocean’s unique commentary, and the alienation that informs it, is a quiet, powerful critique.

In the wake of rights-based victories like gay marriage, some queer activists have questioned a movement that prioritizes the chance to be the same over the freedom to be different. This is where Ocean, and his rejection of the straight, comes into play. In a piece from Boys Don’t Cry titled “Boyfriend,” he writes, “I could say that I’m happy / they let me and my boyfriend become married / I could say that I’m happy / but cross my heart I didn’t notice.” It’s as if Frank is deliberately playing with expectations or hopes for his gay politics by claiming apoliticism. Of course, queer folks might argue that this apathy toward marriage equality is a deeply political rejection of homonormativity. And Ocean goes both ways—on “Seigfried,” he ponders and then ultimately dismisses the allure of the heteronormative. Ocean wonders if his lack of convention makes him a “fool”—“Maybe I should move / Settle down, two kids and a swimming pool.” But in the end, he wagers, “I’d rather live outside.”

In Blonde, “living outside” is a personal sacrifice and a risky wager. Barred from the acceptability of straight love or the stability of a legible gay identity, Ocean has no choice but to keep moving, and keep longing. Vexation and disappointment are everywhere, and satiation seems impossible. With such an uncertain future, he looks to the past as he heads for the horizon. On “Futura Free,” the final track on Blonde, Ocean excerpts an old conversation between his childhood friends from the hip-hop crew Odd Future. On an album marked by romantic disillusionment, this return evokes the family making and platonic love that is so vital to queer communities. In a world where love disappoints and normalcy isn’t an option, there’s an art to making your own family, and finding intimacy in unexpected places.

Ocean’s steady stream of emotionally unavailable partners, unanswered texts, unfulfilled dreams and missed connections speaks to a specific brand of disoriented desires. In common parlance, sexuality is often reduced to orientation. But queer theory proposes that the desiring subject is so much more than the gender of the person they have sex with. This is certainly the case for Ocean—Blonde isn’t about who he loves, but how he loves them. His bravely broadcasted intimacy is proof that boys do cry, that sexuality can be fluid, that love can be unrequited, platonic, queer, and cruel. He makes the familiar strange, but he also makes the strange familiar. Even the most traditionally masculine straight boy will see pieces of himself in Ocean’s fluid oeuvre—childhood memories that could belong to any of us, texts that sound familiar, landscapes we’ve seen, half-asleep, out the window. In queering the world and chronicling the queer, Ocean’s bent masterpiece brings under-represented modes of desire to the mainstream.

via DailyBeast // 8/25/16