#like i do try to make abstract things they learn relatable by talking about my labwork or their future classes but

[unganseylike]

i was working with some freshmen in general chemistry on dimensional analysis and they tried to pull the “when am i ever gonna use this ?!?” on me. like no sorry you need to know what a milligram is. for literally any science or health profession.

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Boys Side A Round 1 Match 12

Propaganda:

Ishimaru -

"His title is "Super High School Level Hall Monitor" or "Ultimate Moral Compass" (depending on which translation we are going with). He was literally scouted by Hope's Peak Academy because he is very best at being the best boy. He is so hell bent on being the best student possible, that when the killing game starts his first concerned with not being able to attend classes. He's so hard working that he struggles to socialize with his peers (which is very relatable). When he tries to step in as the class leader, everyone else ignores him (which is also relatable). He naturally talks loud and doesn't seem aware of how strongly he comes off when talking to others. But even when he is scolding someone for their misbehavior, he does so because he wants to bring out the best in them. Kiyotaka puts 300% into everything he does on principal (and because he feels like it is his duty to restore his family's name). Many of his Free Time events center around him trying to figure out the "logic" in what other people do (such as why they would spend time playing video games/watching TV or why Makoto wears his jacket when it is against the school's dress code). Ishimaru Kiyotaka is easily one of the most autistic-coded characters in the Danganronpa series."

Nanami -

"One of the secret society of people with magic powers who destroy cursed spirits. Mentors the teen protagonist for a bit.

In this introductory episode, he says, "I don't praise or disparage anyone. I adhere to facts and judge in that basis. That's who I am. There was a time when I mistakenly believed society operated the same way."

and he's been clearly autistic ever since, routinely stating things such as "I hate abstract questions that leave interpretation up to others."

He's the Ex-Salaryman Jujutsu Sorcerer! Among a cast of shonen characters, he is the only guy who ever worked a normal job and he is so tired.

Ex-salaryman? Why didn't he become a Jujutsu Sorcerer from the start? "I studied at Jujutsu School, and one thing I learned… is that Jujutsu Sorcerers are shit! Then I worked at your typical company and one thing I learned… is that work is shit! If both are equally shit, I'll take the one I'm more suited to. That's the only reason I came back."

He always buys the same bread from the bakery, to the point where the bakery employee remarks upon it.

When he was still working for a Company, he tells the bakery employee:

"My job is to take money from the wealthy and make those people even more wealthy. That's pretty much all it is. Frankly, no one would mind if I was gone. People who wanted to eat bread would mind if their bakery was gone. Yet for some reason, my job, which exists outside that natural human cycle, pays better. When you think about it logically, it makes no sense."

He's great, he's the only Regular Dude in a world of Shonen Characters, and he is autistic. What more could you want?"

[conkers-thecosy]

My ask about asks I forgot to send you.

I've seen many posts about people missing how common asks used to be so I have been trying to send about an ask a week. Now I send this ask first anytime I follow someone as I really don't want to bother anyone, so I'd love to know if you enjoy receiving asks and if so what kind of asks. Not having energy for asks or being comfortable with them is perfectly okay.

The categories I have in my ask notebook that I file under are in colour. Please feel free to make your response as long as you want or private (the asker cannot directly respond to private responses).

Self, Job/Work: please let me know what you are comfortable with from eh idk just ask it to nothing personal at all.

Baggishield/Tolkien, Dragon Age, Johnlock/Sherlock, ineffable spouses, other fandom: Please let me know what fandoms. I think my main fandoms and ships are Bagginshield/The Hobbit, Sherlock/Johnlock, Dragon Age Inquisition, {Pippin/Faramir Merry/Eowyn}/The Lord of the Rings and I dip my toes in a few that I currently can't remember but ships I don't engage with the canon of at all are: Good Omens but only for Crowley/Azirapheal, Stranger Things but only for Steve/Eddie , The Witcher but only for Geralt/Jaskier.

OC's you want to talk about

art/drawing do you draw and like to get asks about it?

your writing

blog specific only is your blog specific to a fandom or something that you only want asks about related things

Story snippets ideas and prompts: Do you like receiving them?

Pets: I'd love to know all about them

Garden and Hobbies: What type of gardening and/or hobbies?

Like being tagged in things: If so what kinds of things?

*Asks are sent for fun, no pressure to answer.

Hi there!!

I'm sorry this took me so long to answer - I know there's no pressure (which I appreciate immensely!) but I really want to answer them, I'm just super slow!

Self, Job/Work: Honestly I'm super happy to talk about anything like this! With all my social links on my pinned posts it wouldn't be too difficult to find out a lot of stuff about me and my life anyway! Baggishield/Tolkien, Dragon Age, Johnlock/Sherlock, ineffable spouses, other fandom: Okay so while I enjoy all of these fandoms, and more besides, I get real single-minded about my special interests. Right now it's Bagginshield, and that's really all my brain has room for! OC's: I would genuinely loooove to talk about my OCs, so very much! As I said above, bagginshield is really my main focus right now, but I have two half-written original novels that I really hope to pluck up the courage to share one day. Honestly I would love so much to have the opportunity to talk about them more here, but I know there's not a lot of interest. Folks are here for the bagginshield stuff, and that's totally fair! But, I'm going to write these stories either way and I really would love any excuse to gush about them and my OCs! art/drawing: I don't draw, I'm afraid! I wish I did, I'm always in so much awe of people who have that skill! I paint a bit, but not often and just for fun, and it's always some weird abstract stuff, haha! your writing: Love to talk about writing! It's all that keeps me going some days, and any excuse to chat about what I'm doing, what I'm planning, ro even giving advice to other writers is just so much fun to me! blog specific only: Nah, this blog is a mish-mash of everything! Happy to talk about whatever! Pets: So I have a dog! His name is Wilfred, and he was a rescue! He's my boon companion, and I love any excuse to show him off, haha! Garden and Hobbies: So I do garden, but I'm new to it! I never had a garden before until about 3 years ago, and it's been super fun to learn as I go! Other hobbies are funny, because I do a bit of everything. I'm fairly crafty so I've done pottery, sewing, jewellery making, painting as I mentioned, a bit of knitting, etc. I also used to have my own small business, running a perfumery, so I've made all sorts of bathing products, soaps, bath salts, candles, etc! Like being tagged in things: I do, but you may have noticed, I'm a bit slow at responding! I do try to keep on top of them and I never mind being tagged, but it ebbs and flows, for sure!

Okay, I think that's everything!!

Thank you so much for sending this! I will answer your others at some point, but my alarm has just gone off and now it's writing time, haha!

Thanks again for these lovely asks you send to people, it's really such a wonderful thing you're doing!

[i-heart-hxh]

How does Gon feel exactly about Ging?

Hi anon, this is an interesting question to explore, because (at least in my opinion) the answer isn't straightforward. The complexity of how Gon thinks about Ging is one of the beautiful things about HxH, and it says a lot about Gon as a character. It's a hard thing to summarize, but I'll do my best!

Of course, at the beginning we find out Gon is seeking Ging in order to find out what makes being a Hunter so great that someone would leave their own child behind, so even from this point it's not entirely about Ging himself or trying to "regain" him as a family member. It's more about Gon's own worth and how that was damaged by Ging choosing not to stay with Gon, and figuring out what job could be so fulfilling that someone would choose that over raising him. I think the urge to find Ging comes partly from Gon wanting to better understand the context of his existence, but the way he considers this is unusual--it doesn't seem to be so much about the circumstances of his birth or even to confront Ging about why he was left behind, but more along the lines of, "I want to meet the person I came from so I can better understand why my life is the way it is, and learn what it means to be a Hunter like him."

Clearly, Ging leaving him behind has affected Gon deeply--we see this with his self-esteem issues and extreme desire to prove himself, and he tries hard to be as self-sufficient as possible, doing whatever he can to prove that he's worthwhile. I'm sure he's tried his best not to be a burden on Aunt Mito, which might be part of where his self-sufficiency comes from. But at the same time, it's clear Gon has a degree of admiration for Ging, and with how the people he meets on his journey talk about Ging, it makes sense that Gon gains this deep respect for him as a Hunter and wants to know more about who he is and what he's done in his life.

An attribute of Gon's character that I think is interesting and unique to him is that he accepts people as they are, generally without expecting them to change or being particularly concerned about their morality. He has this immense respect for peoples' agency and free will, and he's super curious about people regardless of what kinds of people they are. Hence why he's immediately able to accept Killua without issues, even with Killua's background. This applies to Ging, too--rather than resenting or hating Ging for leaving him behind, he assumes Ging must have a good reason and he's more interested in understanding that good reason than trying to force Ging to take a role in his life that he clearly doesn't want. He must have grappled with this at some point I think, but by the time we see him in the series, he doesn't seem to have framed the issue in ways you would normally expect from a child who was left behind, blaming or resenting the parent.

It's telling that Gon switches over to using "Ging" instead of referring to him as his dad during the Whale Island visit. This makes it even more clear that what Gon's seeking is not really "his dad," but rather finding Ging is a more abstract goal, and he sees Ging less as his relative, but more as his own individual. Gon even says something along those lines after he meets Ging.

And indeed, when he does find Ging he enjoys talking to him, trading stories and getting advice, but Gon doesn't ask to stay with him or really impose upon him much at all beyond getting to know him better and learning what kind of person he is. It's interesting to me that Gon says (twice, even) if he could have felt Ging's aura he might have stayed with him, but I wonder if that's really the case. Would Gon have really insisted on that, and would Ging have accepted it? There's no way to know, but I wonder. It's hard for me to picture, personally.

But Ging is who Gon calls about losing his nen, so they must have traded contact info and agreed that they could stay in touch at the very least. So, Gon has some desire for a continuing relationship, even if it's not a very close one.

I think Gon is aware that his view on Ging is unusual--there's this scene:

Of course Gon says it's a joke, but I think this is more a comment on how he doesn't really see Ging as a father or feel a strong desire to stay with him, and it's also maybe a bit of a jab at himself for leaving Aunt Mito behind to find Ging in the first place.

I love how unconventional Gon's views on Ging are--it's something that makes the series unique, and gives Gon's search a different nature and meaning than if he were a kid simply looking for his parent because he misses him and wants his dad in his life. And I love that, in the act of finding Ging, he ends up with the message of the series, both from Ging's mouth and in the abstract--that ultimately the journey and the people he spent time with on his journey have more meaning to him than the person he spent all this time seeking.

Thanks for asking!

[castlebyersafterdark]

i have a bit of an odd q and as your so insightful i wonder what you might have to say. i have been reading the fic you recommended on poly couples (the orgy one?) and its interesting so far cos i have never been into that but im open minded and the fic seems to explore these viewpoints so you can learn more about the culture. i havent finished it yet but i hope mike's jealousy gets explored more in a healthy way, like being able to talk about it, letting jealousy exist as an emotion but im hoping they dont turn it into a kink or something, where unchecked jealousy is allowed to roam free and hurt people.

so anyway it made me think of something youv'e said about how sex can be casual and fun but also sacred and deep if you want it to, and i think this has often been how i've butted heads with people about love and sex in my life (and probs on byler spicy tumblr too lbr). i recently found out im a HSP and apparently that means that sensitive people like me see sex as a more otherworldly, magical and kind of awe-inspiring thing instead of it just being a part of your day or a bit of fun lol. i always felt self-conscious and wished i could be more casual with sex and relationships, because its hard to explain this abstract thing of sex being elusive and inexplicable. i dont mean in a spiritual or religious way and i dont mean it shouldnt be casual either, but rather its sort of like souls... in that humans will never really understand it? like, emotionally. and it made me wonder, for the people who don't see sex like this, what is that magical mysterious thing that makes life worth living?

like, without art and beauty and the sublime and all this magic thats beyond like human comphrension, life is just a series of work eat sleep have sex laugh a bit see your friends see your kids grow bla bla. it's like, where's the magic? why is sex not this magical mystery for them?

but im also realising that some people may never see sex this way so they perhaps dont experience the super-magical highs that HSP people can feel (as well as the super low lows, so it's swings and roundabouts). like, apparently the neuron connections are just more intensified, so i can cry or get totally washed away in a song or a moment of beauty or whatever it may be, nuance, etc... its a hard thing to talk about because it sounds like it's offending non-HSP people but i suppose HSP people have been shunned in society (urban planning and society isnt made for them, too hectic and harsh and competitive etc), so i don't mind too much. there's great research on it that i'm trying to do more of to understand. but reading that fic has really made me think wow... sex is so different for everyone, that its kind of mad we all talk about it like its one experience we all share. i guess the physicality is but the emotional experience must be different for everyone. just like love perhaps! and youve mentioned being intense and imaginative about your phases and getting into fictional characters etc, so i wonder if lots of people in fandom, or you perhaps, identify as Highly sensitive and thats why we are all so intensely moved by byler, art, music, etc???

Gosh I'm flattered you consider my ramblings insightful so thank you!! Thoughts under the cut due to my somewhat conflicted hypocrisy of wanting/not wanting to talk about my life hahaha:

First about that fic - which I absolutely adored. I think it really struck me less on the poly/exploratory group sex aspect of it (super engaging and interesting of course) and more on the portrayal of Will??? I toe the line between wanting to get too personal and staying zipped about me too much, but why not? Fuck it. Literally no where else do I really talk about myself online, I've always been hesitant for some reason. I feel comfortable here. Anyway, that story was a fascinating look into a lifestyle so unlike anything I've known and also not quite the details of Will's life but his personality in that fic was super relatable. His perception of himself and how others perceived him. The whole emotional arc of how he wished within that story of having Mike in high school and ooooh that just struck me in this ache I also know intrinsically. I recommend that fic so highly. Ughh. Anyway. Back to to the other things!

It's always interesting learning about different people's experiences and viewpoints on sex and what it means for them. And it can mean different things to the same person over a course of a lifetime. Like - I've never been poly, but there was a time in my life where sex was solely about fun and the physical feelings, you're young and on your own and freedom can be positive and negative. To each their own, I support everyone's journeys! And there's no correct way to have a specific lifestyle - you just learn what is/isn't for you. I'm glad I had a curious, exploratory phase. Learned a lot about myself. The good and the bad. I'll leave it there. Hook-up culture ended up not for me. So, maybe you're onto something. It's nothing I've honestly ever looked into (admittedly, I never knew this was a thing, HSP as you've described it as like a whole school of thought and personality type? I'm going to research at some point, I'm fascinated).

But, yes, I do subscribe to the mind that sex can just be a connection with a friend. It can be something you do with a friend because you're bored and that sounds interesting! Meaningless but still meaningful because you just... wanted to. Physical. Emotional. Both. Meant nothing. Meant everything. And I can understand the mindset I think you're describing, that it can be a heightened thing, something beyond what I've described. Maybe it has nothing to do with love per se what you're describing, but having found love and found it so sooo all-consuming actually? It can take on a whole other something that I'd never experienced before. And still, with that same person you have had these almost other-worldly experiences with - also with that same person sex can be none of that haha. Not cathartic, just physical. Casual. And all are valid!! So, there's insight into my mindset expanded? Where I understand what you're saying and that it really can be like what you're describing. Sex is just the most personal thing you can do, honestly. Hard to say why feelings and brains manifest in the way they do.

All of this to say for your big question: "and it made me wonder, for the people who don't see sex like this, what is that magical mysterious thing that makes life worth living?" I don't know!! I want to be cheesy and say my answer is love, and having found my person I want to go with that answer however corny, regardless of that aspect of a relationship - but that's just personal and not everyone finds that and it's still a worthwhile life lived without having that exact experience. I'm not sure anyone can answer this for anyone but themselves. It is very much of the soul. Hard to type out what your own is made of, I guess is my point.

and youve mentioned being intense and imaginative about your phases and getting into fictional characters etc, so i wonder if lots of people in fandom, or you perhaps, identify as Highly sensitive and thats why we are all so intensely moved by byler, art, music, etc???

This has been such an interesting message because it's just really fascinating, this read of me, not to sound self-absorbed but I'm so intrigued about this personality stuff you've now beamed into my awareness. What you've described feels very familiar, maybe a little less intense and the sex stuff maybe doesn't correlate 1:1 but I am the kind of person who has always gotten a little too caught up in imagination and fantasy and fiction. And not that it's a bad thing, but it's definitely intense. I just get lost in my own head and into shows and books and movies. Always have. Maybe its a hyper sensitivity thing. I'm going to have to read up.

[guzsdaily]

201 Days

Day 201 - May 24th, 12.024

Yes, I didn't notice that yesterday was the day 200 of the daily blogs.

Past Promises

If you are reading this since the first months of this personal challenge, you probably are wondering what happened to the projects like Hobbiest Monologue and the Elementria comics that I presented on the comemoration for 100 days. Well, I pretty much forgot about them. It is somewhat disappointing, but I kinda learned that it is better to do things before promising them, not only because it helps with not disappointing people, but also to keep your motivation and the urge to keep doing said thing.

Will I make said projects in the future? Maybe, the YouTube channel for Hobbiest Monologue is done, and both of them also have their respective logos and brands made. However, I'm not really focused on creating more content besides these blogs. Maybe one day when I have a professional job and a good enough workflow and tools to help mitigate the time and energy that these projects need, I will go back to the ideas. I do still love video creation and art, but I have other focus now. And it isn't like I won't make anything related to these topics, but a long-term project is not a good idea for now.

Past Achievements

Besides, I was able to do some projects. The main idea of "The System" wasn't really made into reality, since the whole idea of it were somewhat broken. However, said idea made me do a lot in the process.

I have finally started to learn, and completed a project with the Rust programming language! It is a simple project, and I didn't really make everything that I have planned, but it is good to have a CLI tool to manipulate markdown, which I am actively using in scripts on my Obsidian vault, and hopefully said project will grow and stabilize to be used by other people in their files. For now, I don't know how much about Rust I will continue. The main focus for me with the language is CLI tools and AST manipulation, since it feels to be a good use of it and in general I had a better experience (compared to something like JavaScript for AST manipulation). Yes, I could learn more about async and lifetimes, but I have already wasted a lot of my years just learning stuff, so if I need to in a project, I will learn them, I just don't want to actively be just studying concepts and syntaxes.

Talking about actually doing stuff. I really learned to not step too close into the sun, and stop abstracting even my fucking NixOS configuration. Programmers do love making abstractions before they are necessary, but fucking god, having anxiety and trying to predict every outcome of the program because of it, really takes it into the next level. And that's why I'm learning Go.

Like Rust, I was influenced by ThePrimeagen to learn Go, and HTMX (with some sprinkles of AlpineJS maybe), for server-side and web development in general. And it is being a great experiment, it is also funny how I haven't even read the docs of Go, and still am able to create a working website and server, without any dependencies. It is a breath of fresh air after learning so many JavaScript frameworks, build tools, libraries, etc. Nonetheless, learning the language can also help to find a job, it feels like it's starting to have more attention and opportunities, and besides I'm not "just another JavaScript developer" at least.

And hopefully the continuous task of improving my GitHub and LinkedIn profiles, improving my portifolio, getting certificates, and just trying to be more active on my accounts, can also help. I already send more than 70 applications, without any feedback whatsoever, but I will not give up, because I want to be able to hug my girlfriend and have a house with her in the future.

Past Chaos

Besides all what I somehow achieved, these last three months were a lot harder than I expected. Actually, I couldn't even predict what happened, and it feels like time passed by without I'm even noticing. I'm surprised that I even managed to complete anything.

I do not want to give a lot of personal information on the internet, even less if it is related to family and nothing to do with creative process or work. But as you probably noticed on a past blog post, I lost my (grand) grandmother, the person who raised my dad, that my mom took care of for pretty much 16 years, someone who lived until 99 years old with an incredible health to her age. My dad's family has a lot of issues, every family has, and my parents sacrificed a lot of themselves, since others didn't do anything better to take care of her. However, said sacrifices started to hit a lot this year, and my parent's mental health were in the limit, as my grand grandmother's health as also hitting the limit. I didn't work a lot during the time, since I wanted to be with my parents, not just to give some support, but also strength to fight, so others would take some action. And they did, but it didn't last that long.

Something that I want to be clear, you do not know what really was happening these three months, even less these 16 years, it may be my anxiety kicking right now, but I do not want no one to judge, make assumptions, say what we should have done, anything like that, now or in the future. You don't know me, I don't know you. She lived a healthy and long life, and my parents now can rest and are better thankfully, and this is what I care about.

The only thing that I want you to take from this, is to take care of the people that you love, they can be parents, grandparents, partners, friends, I don't care, take care and be with them when they need, the same way they were when you needed it. And know, independently of what happens, you will be okay in the end, do not let chaos make you give up, I beg you. I may be just 19 at the time of writing, but I gave up on so many things for so little, that these three months really showed me how much stronger I can be, mostly because of the people that are around me. So I ask, I beg, whatever you want to make in life, do not give up easily, be strong, be there, for you, and for the people that you love.

---

Thanks for reading, hopefully the next 100 days will be better. And besides, whatever happens, I hopefully will meet you tomorrow, and every day until day 300.

- Someone who's trying to improve.

Today's artists & creative things Music: You Will Be Okay - by Caleb Hyles

© 2024 Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0

[nereidprinc3ss]

i have such a very unpopular opinion. but have you seen pretty little liars? if not, the show is about four girls who try to figure out the source of anonymous threats messages that attempts against their lives. it even has a criminal storyline going one. one of them, spencer hastings, SHE EVEN SHARES HIS NAME is the smartest one and has a similar storyline to reid. i even believe that her character was inspired by reid.

she dresses like this preppy academy girl, has high iq and she even struggles with her own addiction (sleeping pills) that leads her to having anxiety and other psychological things. she makes more sense than maeve trying to be spencer. if a crossover ever happened to exist in some random universe, i’m constantly asking myself how would spencer deal with someone like hastings, or even fall in love with them because it’s so easy and relatable.

reid was the first male character i could relate to because you know, male gaze. and men in comparison to women don’t face the same amount of pressure when it comes about intelligence quotient which is why i’m always seeking comfort in female characters. specially, smart ones because i feel the same. personally speaking, in dating, i also rely on smart men rather than ‘average’ men which is also what i seek when it comes about intimacy/sexual intimacy. for me it’s not about the looks anymore.

i first learned about hastings before reid and fell in love with her because i relate to her so much, for me it’s about our psychological struggles and our tendency to use our iq to hide our vulnerability which makes it so real because we are so fucked up that we will always choose to hide that side of us to normal people. sorry for my rambling, but i needed to get that out.

# i’m claiming this emoji. ❤️

i love rambling!!! thank you for sharing i have not seen pll but i will go on a related rant about iq and self worth and stuff

first of all this is exactly what my and my friend were talking about the other day but with the show suits!! the character mike ross also is a genius w and eidetic memory and a drug problem who goes to jail!! spencer reid truly is the blueprint i think but you can NEVER outdo the doer!!

as for the iq stuff you are so so right. for a long time i based my self worth on my iq and being “gifted” until i realized it was actually completely meaningless and other people thinking i was smart would do nothing for me in the end. but it was the only thing i had to feel good about myself bc i was NOT attractive in middle school/early high school and i was pretty socially awkward so i made myself feel better by thinking about how much smarter than everyone else i was all the time but as you can probably imagine that actually did NOTHING for me except make me feel further isolated and also rlly amped up my narcissistic defensive tendencies!! which was not good!!! (to clarify i am not a narcissist😭 but in my early teenage years i was definitely developing narcissistic QUALITIES)

and then i realized i was failing all my classes anyway and i couldn’t retain any information and i was a fast reader but had absolutely NO reading comprehension. like couldn’t remember the sentence i had LITERALLY just read. and then i got evaluated and diagnosed w adhd which like thank god for medication because im FINALLY capable of learning again but my point is that intelligence is sooo complex and abstract and essentially a empty signifier that means different things to different people. it’s a terrible thing to base your self worth on because it can fluctuate too, and also speaking directly about iq—there is a threshold with iq where if you get above a certain number of standard deviations of average you are actually predicted to be less successful than people with lower iq’s. iq is much less important than we think it is. it’s about what you DO with your potential, not the amount of sheer potential you have

i was actually thinking about that recently cause like?? spencer reid is obviously a rare case and exceptional in every measure BUT a big part of his genius is just his personality. like there are people with eidetic memories and staggeringly high iq’s who do absolutely nothing with their lives and work in offices or construction or something. and obviously he’s fictional but i think that aspect of his character is so interesting because it speaks so much to who he is a person like he never was inherently going to be so intelligent, he had a lot of potential, but it was more due to his desire to learn and his childhood and probably approval seeking but i digress

and also yeah me too babe i am ridiculously sapiosexual but i also have never been attracted to a man who isn’t pretty objectively physically attractive so i need a male model bf who is ALSO a genius and ALSO hilarious and not vain about his looks. like do you hear how ridiculous that is??? im a 7 on my most attractive day and i can’t do mental math like at all…….. so ig this man also must have low standards LOL

so there was my ramble😁 if you read the whole thing im so sorry

[belnex]

What I think I know about Quantum Mechanics in relation to Quantum Computing.

This will mainly be going off the top of my head because this is my current hyper fixation. I find it endlessly fascinating and seeing how you can break the veil of abstract and real and where you can in some instances literally see the effects. So what the shit does this have to do with computers. Classical computers use bits to do literally any function within any computer. It is a binary system 0 and 1 . On or Off. Once you get the hang of it you can write entire sentences in just binary, then convert that string into hexa-decimal binary to send a coded message that says "Poopy fart shit". Put that hexadecimal code into a .txt file and transfer it onto a floppy disk and hide in under the sys admins coffee mug, coaster style. Well Quantum Computers use a qubit. I am going to butcher whatever the fuck goes on with these so here is a definition from the internet. They are used to measure probability and calculate that within the infinity that lies between 0 and 1. "In quantum computing, a qubit (/ˈkjuːbɪt/) or quantum bit is a BASIC unit of quantum information—the quantum version of the classic binary bit physically realized with a two-state device. A qubit is a two-state (or two-level) quantum-mechanical system, one of the SIMPLIST quantum systems displaying the peculiarity of quantum mechanics."

Okay, my brain already hurts so fuck you I am done reading. Valid. You don't have to ingest or comprehend any of this long term. I just need to put it down somewhere. So for those along for the ride, lets a go! Okay to understand any of this we start with a classical bit. 0 or 1 . On or Off. When the logic of a program, for example Super Mario Bros. Within the games code there are variables or states a games code can be in. While the game is in various states like the Pause menu or the Start menu or the actual game. The NES and the game cartridge are running all of there pre-determined moves, music, and animation. There is one crucial understanding to all of this. While any computer is running it is WAITING for a binary input to interact with it. Computers WAIT for input both in classical and quantum. Each keystroke is sending one cycle 0 -> 1 then compounds and is translated by every component between the physical key switches and the html I am writing this on. This is all to state very abstractly that Classical Computing isn't simple, but it requires a circuit like understanding. If we are gonna talk quantum shit we gotta get some things cleared up. I am not an expert. Please prove me wrong if I say something incorrect. I am learning and trying to grasp these ideas. I appreciate you. Quantum Mechanics Time: No scary equations here, yet... However I want to clear up the stigma of the spooky math symbols. Everything has a definition and a rule set. What makes something quantum? A "something" is quantum if it can exist in what is called a superposition. That means being able to exist in two arbitrary positions in space at once, but only if it hasn't been measured. Once measured a quantum system or wave function collapses to a single point or in the case of a qubit state 0 or state 1. Woah I thought you said qubits are different I see a 0 AND a 1. Keen eye there sport! Keeping you on your toes. You see the magic happens behind the curtain. NOBODY SEE'S THE WIZARD you see? Before the wave function is collapsed/Qubit Measured the qubit did some funny business inside of the quantum computer. We gotta start from the very beginning so bear with me. Just like classical computers quantum computers wait for inputs to change states on the bit or qubit. So what causes the qubit to do the magic? Entanglement. When two qubits become entangled. No matter how far physically they are from each other. If you collapse the wave function of one the other immediately collapses as well. Not at the speed of light. INSTANTLY! This is done algebraically. You marry the two wave functions with math so if you change or measure one the change in immediate in the other. How does this work exactly? When you entangle 2 qubits you create a new wave function. This is due to the no-cloning rule of wave-functions. No wave functions can exist more than once. This is why we use complex numbers, you need the infinite obscurity as leverage. Once you can mathematically prove 1 measurement equals 2 queries. That means 2 is 4 and 3 is 9 and 4 is 16. Exponential. Next time on Quantum Computing. Bra-Ket Notation, and Matrix shenanigans.

[mariki33]

PART 3

Nordmark pod translation Swe-Eng

I've left out Per Nordmarks moments of reminiscence.

I usually excuse my English but this time I'll have to excuse Tobias Swedish. In parts it's been kind of hard to make sense of what he actually wants to say. Let alone translate. I've done the best i can but it can't be better then he spoke😅

Enjoy! Fellow Ghostie's 👻🖤

N: Can you enjoy it (success) or do you feel like, Shit! I've hit the ceiling?

T: Ah,ee.. Yes all of it. I can feel all those feelings aem… I believe it is a pretty common thing amongst performing people no matter if playing bass or have a running career or what ever. I believe there is a sense in people in aesthetic occupations that they in a way cultivated,, -a will to get somewhere, and comes from a certain feeling of being "mal place" early on. So i think you get stuck on a notion that things are the same, why haven't i changed more. Why do i feel the same way inside as then. Eem.. And, well, it's really hard sometimes to pin point why you once set a goal that felt clear as day, and then you've sort of passed that point,, you haven't really noticed it. It's not that you're unhappy or discontent.. -How is it that i set a NEW goal?

All the time like a carrot, literally like a carrot in front of the donkeys mouth. It moves all the time in relation to where you're at, forward. But.. i think people i know are like that. So, most people i know or have some kind of exchange with, talks to or read about, or interviews about people, or heard someone speak -I believe it's pretty common eem..ee.. human instinct that many people have and don't really have a big aesthetic career.. But it can be like you redecorate at home and do that over and over and buying new stuff and throwing away … I don't believe it necessearaly have to be something negative, but, a,a a, an error we make as humans, foremost in the western world Eeem, or where e,e,, what's it called.. as a linear faith. Even if not religious, we have a linear view of time. You start and finish. In opposite to the circular were you just,, circulate, So the idea we have of that if you do this and that you will reach a new state were all problems are solved, or it's catch 22 -No! Status quo/Nirvana. And ee, i try to work against that, -even if i do that. If i do this and then do that it will.. or this thing or like that. -When i finished this record,, -God, how i'm going to feel good then. Oh, god i'm gonna suck on that candy because its so big and salty and sweet, he he..

T: Well to be dull speaking it's probably something you learn with age. Like, when you're young you actually don't have much perspective,, and being immature, that really fucks things up..And hormones and a whole lot of other stuff that coincide so even if your're being focused, Aee,ee Like simply expressed,if you want to move your hometown, other places seem more fun,, it's over there life is happening. I mean how many people in Sweden only isn't there that have moved from the small town to Stockholm, Göteborg or Malmö.. And it occurs to you -Even here you have to and take a shit. Damn, shit! That life is actually the same wherever. I know people who live in grand homes on the other side of the world that also have leaking roofs and mold damage. They also got bills to pay and sometimes you run out of money..

N: How much of Ghost mirrors your perspective of life? What's your view of life?

T: It's becoming harder and harder to isolate what's me and what's Ghost. If not speaking of a character you can step in and out of and the character that i do on stage as a third person perspective. Aeem,, Ghost is very much my thoughts, wonders and feelings expressed. Filtered. In some kind of way, nowadays, A cmprehensible eem,, expression. That,, Where most of the wonders i have,, like the first album was more abstract, if you like, compared to the latter a bit more "realistic" Like you know? In comments. Also a huge part of me and my childhood and background foremost. Like, from the extreme metal. Many people that have gotten to know Ghost lately.. The first 1000 people who got to know Ghost was into extreme underground metal. Like i was. And the expression is pretty un-original. It was just a new presentation that might have felt original. Like everyone had their own "pasta restaurant" and it was a new "pasta dish" . That only was a "new fusion". Whilst those who come from a totally different "cousine" and a completely different music style. Like the "hipster world who aren't brought up with metal and only read about black metal in the twenties. They can be like Oh ! What an original concept.. Pop music with satanist lyrics.. And that is basically a rewrite.. Eee, ah,, I only wrote what is closest and purest to me in expression. To me it's emm, well that aesthetics,,I don't know how to.. Because that's the only way i've expressed feelings during my adolescence. I was out messing about for a while, which was interesting. It wasn't remotely close to what happened after, That is that i produced one album in some kind of vacuum and had no idea if there was an audience for it. It was when we were about to do the second album and started to write, and mostly from the third and onwards,, That partly you can write, if not only, write like fictive texts, that's about occultism or that type of descriptions of things. It will become runout pretty quick. Many bands have done that. It easily becomes tedious. Aeem,, Then there are a lot that can be described about real things and stuff and how it relates with words that alludes to that "world". And therefore it has more and more become all my thoughts and values passed through Ghost in some way. Then maybe there is an even more primitive part of me Eee,,That probably eee,, maybe would like to write more, same or more like aggressive stuff. That is closer to the way i wrote when i was seventeen. Ehm,, But that wouldn't fit the narrative(Ghost). It will be some kind of Death metal at some point. Because if so you just have to be able to "drop the gloves and just box". It's more of an ugly language, more like unfiltered, like that. Not to say Ghost is filtered, but still presental. It's like being a film creator and one part is drama with a story from start to end and with a neat budget. And then step down to do a splatter movie. To get rid of the "mess". But I'm lucky, i've,, Ghost is very close to where i stand. It's horror, it's metal….elements.. it's rock, it's pop rock. It's everything from Kiss to Venom. ABBA, all that stuff i like. And we do covers of stuff that i also like. It becomes some kind of potpurri of my inner self. Not in all my parts. I don't get everything out of it. But mostly. So it's hard sometimes to completely separate myself from it.

N: What's happening next for Ghost?

T: Right now, as we speak, we're about a month away from going on tour. So we've had a break now for a while. Emm,,like since september. And now It's may. And since september we haven't been touring. And therefore starting up again. And the band is actually coming here to Stockholm. Band and crew. And we'll be rehearsing and stay here a couple of weeks. And then go on EU tour in the middle of May to the beginning of July.

N: Are you playing in Stockholm?

T: No, we only do Sweden Rock, sadly.

N: Are you playing Copenhagen?

T: We're playing at Copenhell there, so,,

T: So it's like a classic festival tour were to simply, Get an offer from a festival and that offer means you musn't play anywhere else close by. So you can't "free style". But those countries were we do gigs, like in France we do like eight, no wait,,,seven or eight gigs. And in Germany we also do four to five gigs. And that's why we don't play at Hellfest and that's why we don't do Rock am ring. And that stuff we should have done, or were supposed to do,, But we felt we wanted to put together a tour that starts and ends without everyone being forced to go home, and here, and there.. It becomes trouble. But we've put together a five to six weeks tour between May and July. And then there's a break. After that USA July/August. And then the tour goes on, just continues,, forever,, No, ha ha No it isn't bad, i think it's a blast!

It will be pretty different from the EU tour were we do festival/headline, festival/headline, headline/festival.. Very outspread with all of Europes tastes. USA is a consecutive/shed tour.

T: Precisely, and then they have like opposite to "folk parks" here, they have "sheds". Amphi theatres, with or without roofs, out on the country side. And the whole tour are places like that. So it's nice and extremely hot. Especially in August -September. And then, when there are storms in September, then it can be pretty "hairy" to be outdoors. But after that we go direct to Mexico, down to Braszil, Argentina, Chile.. And then we go to Australia.

N: I will go to a gig to see you somewhere in the world.

T: Yes, do that

N: Thanks for being my guest, Wonderful.

T: Thanks a lot for having me. Of course you gotta come to a gig.

The end.

[ragnarokproofing]

author ask tag game

Thank you for the tag, @catchingbigfish! I'm tagging @sarahlizziewrites, @moonandris, and @sam-glade with no pressure, and with an open tag for anyone else who is interested. Apologies if you've already done it, this has been sitting in my drafts for like a month.

All of these answers are in regards to my thesis, which is a large-scale dark fantasy novel with an alternating third-person PoV.

(1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

I don't like to conceptualize my fiction as having "lessons." It's not so much that it's inherently inaccurate as that it's not constructive, or conducive to deep and resonating fiction; I have found that this presentation lends itself to moral absolutism. Furthermore, I don't tend to have my characters learn objective moral lessons, but rather learn or decide something about themselves or the world, and make a choice about how they are going to act in the future.

So to phrase it in that way, "what does your main character realize or decide about himself," my main character Fasenil decides that there is enough in the world that makes it worth saving even though it's largely hostile to his existence, and that he is willing to sacrifice himself in order to save it.

(2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

I am very aware that the first thing that any of my readers think of when they read my drafts are Skyrim. While it is an inspiration to some extent, my world is far more inspired by real-life cultures, primarily real-life Viking Age Scandinavia. I take historical research very seriously, and I take great pains to maintain historical accuracy when relevant. I have a frankly massive number of sources that I'm not going to cite here.

That's the main inspiration for the area of my map where the novel takes place; inspirations for the larger world include the Holy Roman Empire, 20th century fascist movements, and more.

(3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

I think that this question runs up against the same problems as the first. I don't desire to teach readers any sort of specific lesson with my fiction. If they take lessons away, that's nice, but it's not something that I concern myself with.

To answer a related but separate question, I hope that some small fraction of readers who feel the same things as I do feel on some level seen; not the shallow "validation" that is so often talked about in online art and fandom spaces, but with the sort of universe-reordering forcefulness and urgency that I've felt so few times in my life. Not saying "you are a market that it is advantageous to target," but "you exist, I see you, and I know." I am writing, in that sense, to my younger self.

My characters both are in an abstract sense seeking to transcend their pasts, and to find belonging. At the beginning, Fasenil is at first balancing his desire for "success" and accolades with the growing threat that visibility presents to him. Hallbjorn is trying desperately to carve out a life that is free from the obligation of violence, but can't seem to do it. I don't consider it my job to pretend that any of these struggles have objectively correct or moral answers. I can only have my characters make decisions, and do their best to forge a way forward.

(4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

I mean, there are thirty in my outline, but that is extremely fluid. It is possible that it will eventually be divided up into a duology.

(5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

It's an original fiction novel, also functioning as my MFA thesis. I don't plan on posting anything more than snippets and supplemental content (art, memes, etc) anywhere; it will be traditionally published.

(6) When and why did you start writing?

I've been writing since I was a little kid. I've only been taking it seriously as a craft and as a career path for about a year and a half.

(7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

I follow many, many writers of tumblr, too many to name here.

The piece of advice that I repeat to myself most often is, "good prose is a renewable resource." What this means is that you must trust in your ability to be able to generate good prose in the future, and not stay married to ineffectual passages just because they are well-written or you are fond of them. My first priority is the function of a paragraph/passage/scene within context, because that is much more difficult to revise than prose itself, which can always be improved.

Also, participate. Write weird essays and post them. Read more. Pick a topic that interests you and read half a dozen papers about it on jstor. Ask questions and offer to workshop people's stuff for them, and then get good at workshopping. Form your own opinions instead of just absorbing whatever's popular in the social media-sphere that you're in.

[deathlygristly]

Sometimes I read posts and comment and tags on here and I wonder if I am maybe very stupid and always wrong and should never speak or write again.

Then I keep reading and I realize it's just that the commenters are coming from a very different position and experiences with the world and others and I guess maybe a very different neurotype than I am.

The current example, under a readmore because long and probably boring to other people but writing things out helps me organize my thoughts:

I am reading a blog by a person who has interesting thoughts and who I can learn things from but who frequently uses very authoritarian/absolutist language. It was good to see balanced anons calling that out, like yeah sometimes you write cool stuff but you can also be arrogant about it. So I was primed to question my feelings of being horribly ignorant and always wrong more than I usually am.

I came upon a post about how people who have power and use it to hurt others aren't "evil" and it's wrong to say that. I tend to think it's morally wrong to hurt others, so I was like, huh, am I looking at things horribly wrong and being terribly ignorant and stupid again? So I read the comments and reblogs and tags to see what other people thought.

The main issue seemed to be heading off people who think in absolutist terms, like these people are Good and those people are Evil, and so they might want to keep current systems that cause misery but just put people they consider Good at the top of the systemic hierarchy. But instead of just tackling that head on and directly saying hey, systemic issues won't be changed that much by just changing the figureheads, the OP and the people agreeing with them were saying no, we have to say it in this other more abstract indirect not related at all at first glance way that will confuse people and alienate them and maybe make them feel shame if they aren't already part of our ingroup and understand everything about our worldview. And we have to say it in this more complicated way because maybe if they think of people as Good or Evil then they might think systemic issues could be solved by changing the figureheads and we don't want them to think that, and confusing possibly shaming language is the way to keep them from thinking that?

Like I say often, when I was nine years old I read every book the local library had on the Holocaust. It's always been fairly clear to me that the Nazis were people. Back in the day I used to try to argue something that seemed close to the OP’s and commenters’ actual position - that the Nazis were humans doing human things, not monsters doing monster things that no human would ever do, and that you can in fact find yourself doing those same things if you don't watch out for it.

It's just that I also think that participating in genocide is actually an immoral thing to do. And even if you don't enjoy it and you don't like killing massive numbers of other humans, it still says something about your morality that you consider whatever "incentives" are drawing you towards participating in genocide as more important than not murdering millions of people.

And I don't know that saying "People who participate in genocide don't actually want to cause enormous suffering and trauma and death, they're just following incentives! And obviously you are very immature and very wrong and stupid if you think the camp guards and commandants were not good people!" is going to help you convince people that more work is needed to prevent genocide than just replacing the most powerful person in the group committing the genocide with a person the person you're talking to considers to be a good upright moral citizen.

I don't know. At dinner tonight I was talking to the spousal person about this and about how lately I'm trusting myself more and feeling less shame about takes I see online and realizing that lots of people on the internet are just some guy talking random shit, and he laughed and patted me on the head.

[funkymbtifiction]

instinctual stackings and focus add on

I think I'm an so/sp 6 (others have typed me as sp/so, but I lean toward so/sp.)

What you said about "how to respond" interested me, because a majority of the time I WILL respond with similar stuff as an sp/so (what I've been working on lately, whether I'm tired, etc.) When I was a lot younger (like early teens) I responded with relational stuff, like fun conversations I recently had ("well I just talked with a friend about time travel"), or the other person's expectations ("good, but everyone says that") or something a bit 6 pushy ("that's a pretty broad question; is there anything in particular you wanted to know about?") But I noticed that responding with anything too "meta-conversational" tended to put people off, so now I generally respond with sp stuff and it feels "natural" to do so. If I ask how other people are, I tend to gently nudge them toward an emotional/connecting level rather than what projects they've been working on, because that's where I feel their souls reside. ("How have you been lately? How's Molly? What's going on with your love life? I have so much I want to ask you about!") Anyone can be working out or writing stories or working on their thesis (I've done all those things); where are you in the realm of People?

Self-care being a play zone is something I also relate to. People sometimes ask me what I've been doing for self-care and I'm like "...? is that something you need to try at in particular? I guess I had an unusually nice shower the other day. Self-care is just getting everything done on time, which I've been doing like always." Or if I haven't been doing it lately I'm like "well there's too much to do, but I'll get it done eventually" (or outsource some of it to a friend if I'm really overwhelmed.)

Sounds about right for so/sp -- using sp in the service of social, as a method to better connect to others / open a door into the conversations you really want to be having. Coming from the other direction (sp/so) ... "anyone" can be writing a story, but not my story. My stories are my soul. Back when I had close friends to e-mail, I filled those e-mails more with stories and thoughts and questions about the meaning of life than about relationships or feelings. Some of my best and most interesting conversations are with other sp writers -- about what our characters are up to, struggles we are having with our plots, and how much progress we are making. We can talk about that all afternoon and feel 'satisfied' because that is social engagement for us -- our social play zone can mean "talking about characters/fiction/this show we watched."

I want to hear about what's going on in my friends' lives, but -- I REALLY want their thoughts. About things, about life, about fiction, about deep or spiritual or meaningful things. I will also adjust to whom I am talking to -- using social. I'll throw something intellectual at someone and see if they respond; a lot of people don't, and so if their method of sharing is to tell me what they've been doing, I'll do the same, but it's not satisfying for me not to have some sort of abstract conversation-hook and/or dig deeper in a N way. Sp stuff "bores me," but it's also what I think about first. (Like right now, as an sp-dom, I've noticed price hikes everywhere, and that I'm paying twice as much for groceries as I did before, and so that's a constant source of annoyance for me -- but I'd really rather be talking about something else, like what archetypes my friends are, or what they are learning, or what the deeper meaning behind something is, or about the brotherhood dynamics in Supernatural. Anything other than me spending $$$ at the grocery store this week.)

[bellshazes]

#OHHHH #this makes so much sense and also clarifies a lot of the ??? my brain produces for some of your writing #like the way you talk about and approach building and stuff this first section makes me Get It now#also now im like. how to give other people this framework for play bc its so much more fun than just absorbing the interest du jour #i feel like bc of a combination of lack of this kind of underlying thought and how algorithms work ppl tend to condense#whether that be on Faithful or megabases or texturing or Hardcore 100day whatever #and while its easy to call that fads or imitation i think its partly just #players do Not have the language or framework to go 'but how do i want to play?' #increased roleplay has opened that up a Bit but its still very BILLION ITEM FARM engineer-porn out there #meta #bdubs #anyways. fuck dude this rules (@salemoleander)

how to give other people a framework for their play is exactly what I want and what I was getting at, thank you for that phrasing! especially because you could start like this:

Ask yourself "How do I like to play?"

except then you've already started off wrong. there are secret hidden questions behind all simple questions, and if the quest is to get people thinking about their own framework for play, then it's more like:

How do I know how I like to play? Is it by what I'm naturally drawn to? Experimentation, trial and error? Past experiences? Things I've seen other people do and want to try?

What different kinds of enjoyment do I get from different activities? (if I like redstone and also mining, how are those kinds of fun different?)

In what contexts do I experience different kinds of fun? What contexts am I currently playing in or wanting to play in? (biome, single v multiplayer, physical computer setup, time window, etc.)

and it's a red herring to list questions this way because what I'm after is not a checklist but a way of thinking that prompts people to continuously ask these questions or interrogate their experiences in some kind of capacity, as an ongoing activity or reference system that helps guide and shape play. it could look like paying attention to joy or pride or victory when you feel it so you can use that information about your experience to make the game more fun/rewarding/better for yourself, opening more possibilities.

I think a didactic checklist or how-to approach is worse than a dialectical, critical conversation one because a dialectical approach also naturally is compatible with collaborative play, if not encouraging of it. the framework has as much utility for a single "I" as it does a collective "we" of players, and a lot of my feelings and desire for such a framework is the wonderful conversations about the game in the abstract or as it relates to a project with friends. even as conversations for their own sake, it's rewarding! and actionable on top of that!

a dialectical framework also sidesteps the issue of pigeonholing yourself, as a checklist is by definition checked off; a way of thinking and paying attention to your own play experience allows room for your preferences to change across time or contexts or whatever variable condition. it is, as I think bwbs3 somewhat exemplifies, friendly to skill development but doesn't require it. it would solve all my problems if it existed (jk. but.)

unfortunately the platforms available to us for meta-level minecraft content (content about minecraft as a game experience) are just not. built. for dialectical learning and theory - like possibly false conceptions on what The Algorithm desires and so on. and even in my perfect world it wouldn't fully replace farm tutorials or build hacks or whatever - they're different niches. i get why it's not already being done. but I wish people would

[aerial-ace97]

So I've been kinda realizing I'm trans this Summer, or at least more feminine than masculine. And for the most part that's been an incredible experience. One minor gripe I am catching on to however is in the way people assume things about me based on a modern understanding of how 'man' and 'woman' dynamics are built to play out in society. For example, besides the obvious hateful responses, I think the reaction to me saying I'm trans that I find the most annoying usually kind of plays out in this general pattern. 'Oh cool! I and/or My friend is really good at make up so if ever you need to learn anything like that...' Now do not get me wrong, I really appreciate that most people are just trying to be helpful in this and I definitely don't fault any individual on anything, but I take issues with this mentality for two main reasons.

1) I don't recall asking. If I need help with something I will ask you. I've been going through a big style change right now, and occasionally there are instances where I do want to be able to ask a friend for some assistance in finding what I like. But ultimately... I think I'm doing pretty alright with my style by myself. And honestly, even if it doesn't always look 'hot' or 'stylish' to others... it's not for you anyhow. It's for me. I appreciate feedback, but I didn't ask for you to decide these things for me.

2) I don't know what you heard about 'I think in some ways I am a woman' and instantly adopted that into 'I want to be the most stereotypically feminine woman there is' but that's not what I said. Cause newsflash but some woman don't wear make up, or jewelry, or dresses. Why can't me wanting to be a woman be not related to those things? Why does me wanting to self-ID as a woman mean I have to be inclined towards every abstract thing we've decided was feminine for no real reason. Could it not just be about my body, or my identity, or some obscure freedom in style, or about moving away from masculinity, or literally any reason I want it to be. And while I personally don't have much interest in make up for myself, it could happen that I do in the future. But even in the case that I did right now, to find this consistent immediate assumption that I should have to as the 'default' is incredibly obnoxious.

3) You wouldn't say this to a cis-woman. Or at least most people wouldn't. We can, at least conceptually if not always in practice, understand to some degree at least that cis woman are all different people with their own needs and desires that do not have to present in a hyperfeminine way at all times. Why should this be different from how I choose to present my trans-femininity?

Again, I don't blame individual people for these sorts of things. I blame society for this default orientation of thinking that one size fits all for woman (and people in general for that matter). I know that people just want to contribute in some way and are afraid to ask clarifying questions, but at a certain point you have to. Because it's not even a question of being ignorant about trans woman at a certain point. if you haven't asked, then you are ignorant about ME. And I am who you are talking to.

[hello-patricks]

The relief of being imperfect

When we are kids we are always being told how god we are at many things: writing, reading, memorizing, reciting long lists of dead people, finding obscure rivers in a map of Russia and Japan, spelling archaic and lost words.

And when we do that with some degree of proficiency our very little young personas get rewarded with praise, often coming as attempted encouragement, but that in reality means “this is what we expect from you.”

And we try, sometimes, to deliver to that expectation: long nights of study, trying as hard as possible to learn those lists, retracing the shapes of the bones for biology class, memorizing the 253 rules of grammar for this particular language. And somehow, it is all good, the expectations grow, and people call us “the perfect kid, so smart and hardworking.”

That expectation of perfection, simply because all the questions were about long lists of rules and processes that were easy to find and easy to recall, causes issues: the task becomes the identity, and from that moment on the kid has to perform to that identity.

It all comes crashing down as soon as the structured environment changes, and that perfect intelligent kid has to perform abstruse tasks in a different social environment, where people are judging more on soft skills, on abstraction abilities, on concept managing. The old school rigidness disappears, and now the former perfect kid is living on a dorm where everything that was fixed and certain is fluctuation, changing, different from one day to the other.

With me so far? Travel back in time, now, when very few people even mentioned the word “autistic”, where any mental condition was a family shame, where the only acceptable illnesses were the ones that left scars, but not many, and could elicit sympathy. Autism was a god’s curse, the result of a family sin, a profound defect, perhaps one brought upon the affected person.

The need to perform perfectly sits in front of all the tasks; familiar processes, such as memorizing rules and lists are easy, but the horror of talking to strangers, given a presentation, finding out what that professor with the Nazi posters actually meant when he said “you will learn”, losing friends constantly due to being unable to understand them, losing romantic partners due to being incapable of getting the hint, getting exhausted every night because the words don’t mean anything and the loneliness is crushing and no one speaks clearly and on top of that, the young adult now faces the dissolution of that identity, the expectation of perfection, and that is soul crushing.

Here, let’s change from the generalized third person to the more apropos first person.

Being diagnosed as autistic, after all that, was a relief. I now find myself with holes in my wings, unable to soar as I dreamed, unable to pursue certain career paths, and now have to pain attention to my feelings, my burnout indicators, the amount of making that I do.

The first surprise is that most of my interactions were masking. I was always trying to impress others, and trying it by being as funny and relatable as my brothers and friends, or by showing off my memory and calculation skills. Listening was also difficult. Establishing that bridge was awfully complicated.

These days, no wings, no perfection, a rather imperfect view of the world, I am trying to accept that, far from being that prodigy, I am indeed limited in some of the things I do: I see patterns, strategies, concepts; I can predict some system movements, understand probabilities, guess at motivations from unreliable actors – as long as I am reading about it, not talking to anyone.

And I am also trying to stop masking: that is the most difficult, because since I have always masked, since all my interactions have been masking, since all I know is to please others by being like them, my true voice is difficult to use. Sometimes the humor comes out on slow bursts, the concepts complicated without a lengthy explanation, but I leave at it, for now, until they ask.

I accept that the career I will pursue won’t be the one I wanted, the one where I had to establish an emotional link to people that never say what they thing and have hidden agendas. It is going to be a more certain one, more by the books, more graded, less rooted in uncertainty.

I remember my first two years of college, dressing all in green all the time. That could have been an indication, right? I thought that it was obvious that I loved anything with an environmental slant to it, and my choice of clothing clearly communicated that to all bystanders. They thought I was a para-military.

[lo-bil]

“Becoming Fun: finding the sweet spot through incomplete design”

This paper will be presented at the 2024 CADN Graduate Student Conference, The F-Word: Fun, Agency, and Creativity as a Life Ethic.

The conference will be held on Saturday, March 9th and Sunday, March 10th, from 10AM-4PM at OCAD University’s Rosalie Sharp Pavilion in Toronto, Ontario. My paper will be presented at 11:30am on March 9th.

This will be in tandem with my thesis exhibition Moving Materials: A Question of Form, running from March 9-13th in OCADU's Ignite Gallery at 200 McCaul Street, 2nd floor.

ABSTRACT

An upcoming artist talk on how fun has played a pivotal role in my process of transitioning from embodied performance toward making sculptural works wherein the live body is not the focus of the work. I define fun as a surprising and pleasurable energy flow that happens between myself and my materials, myself and my environment, or myself and other people. 

How does fun play into this process of transition? In utilizing clown-informed strategies for years, I have learned that TRYING to have fun is a sure way to NOT experience fun. So I call in the potentiality in an “alter-objective way": by focusing on the pleasure of following intuitive movements in relation to my materials, fun just happens.

For my November 2023 research exhibition entitled “Moving Materials," I asked visitors if they were open to me tracing their physical outline on a 6-foot cardboard panel, as a kind of citation - a record of their presence in the exhibition. It became an intimate moment of giggly conversation as I combed through their aura with this squeaky marker smell. 

When do we get to lie down in a gallery and meet a stranger in this way? What made them feel it would be a fun thing to do? In the porous confession of my work's incompleteness, viewers seem to feel the invitation to intervene, and we collapse the distance between artwork and viewer. In this lack of conscious design, we go somewhere unexpected together and it feels like fun. 

Photos to follow relate to the exhibition that I will speak about in the conference talk.