#like objectively my mum is my favourite person in the world and i love her more than every other person in my life combined

[nikethestatue]

Happy Solstice, my Elriel friends!

Enjoy this retelling of the first Solstice from Azriel's POV, when Elain was showing him her gardening plans (as observed by Feyre)

The First Solstice

“There are worlds in you, and I have fallen in love with every one.”

“Are you leaving too?”

It was rare that Azriel was startled, but his shadows kept mum and did not alert him to the presence of the one person who was now standing behind him, and who was fast becoming his very favourite person. Just as the words left the soft, tulip-like lips, he was immediately enveloped in the gentle scent of jasmine, with a whiff of warm honey simmering just beneath it. She was so close, he could feel the warmth of her body next to him, and the unusual thrumming of hidden power, which emanated from her and which, it seemed, no one, but him, was able to detect. It was there–the power, golden and light, flowing through her like a lazy river, undisturbed and secret. Not even Amren could sense it. But he could. Because his own power, the low-lying, quiet beast inside of him, rose to meet hers head on. It wasn’t surprising, since power sought out power, but theirs tangled and danced together in a dance as old as time. It was curious, because even the seven Siphons of Cassian’s power did not answer the call quite so readily or acutely as this girl’s. 

She bumped into his wing awkwardly, her shoulder brushing against the bone, and instinctively, he aimed to tuck the wing closer to his body, and yet, as if acting of its own volition, the wing snapped out towards her, as if he subconsciously yearned to have her closer to him. A tiny soft gasp fell from her lips, and Azriel turned at last, his wing still caging her securely to his body. 

“I wasn’t planning on it,” he said, looking down at her, once again struck by the familiarity of her very being. She was a vessel of deep cobalt and golden light next to him, a perfect amalgamation of the two of them, as if designed and offered to him by a celestial hand as some kind of miraculous Solstice present. 

“Oh, good!” she beamed at him, unaware of the perpetual turmoil that churned inside of him when he was near her. It made his chest ache, to have her so near, so open and trusting, and yet so elusive and unavailable. The need to touch her, to brush his fingers over her skin, the long, swan-like neck, or the pink apple of her cheek was so overwhelming that he was forced to ball his hands and twist them behind him, though his wing, his damn wing had a mind of its own and stealthily wrapped even closer around the object of his obsessive affection. 

“I am staying here, at the house,” he offered, somewhat uselessly, his mind working slower than usual, trying to come up with things to say, while he battled the beast inside of him. Oh, and the beast roared, for it loved what it saw. She only came up to his shoulder, and that made him and the beast inside protective and soft for her, wanting to shield her from the horrors of the world around them. However, he wasn’t blind either, and neither was his violent, possessive beast, when he noticed how she’d filled out since the War, how her form lost its thinness and gangliness, and turned shapely and rounded, how the ample swell of her breasts was emphasised by the simple cut of her velvet dress, and how it draped perfectly over her  tapered waist and well-defined hips. 

The hips he would love to squeeze in his gnarled hands, leaving marks on her perfect skin, while she bowed against him, the velvet dress pooled at their feet.

Calm down, you idiot. 

She smiled at him and gave a little nod, while he was trying to catch up with his train of thought, having forgotten what they were even discussing, because she was so close to him and he was lost in the thick caramel of her brown eyes.

“I know,” she said, offering him a small smile, which he wished he could bottle alongside the headache powder that she had just gifted him.

What a weird, adorable gift. 

Thoughtful too.

Nothing escaped her. Even if he usually rubbed his temples out of annoyance or impatience, and not because of a headache, it pleased him to know that she’d paid attention to him and spared more than one thought to him and his well-being.

When Mor had found the little box by the window, he certainly didn’t expect for his name to be called. He’d gotten his usual array of crappy shit he’d never use–the blue monogrammed towels from Mor, Cauldron save me, something from Cassian that he already forgot, a very nice painting from Feyre, which he appreciated, a leather bound and totally impersonal ledger from Amren, which at least was practical, nothing from Nesta, colour him surprised, and then…

Az, this one is for you.

That’s what he’d heard in Mor’s voice. He was surprised, assuming that she got him two gifts, but then, to his utter shock, which he barely hid, he heard a little nonchalant announcement ‘oh, that’s from me’.

A whole host of emotions swirled around his body, while his mind tried to comprehend what he was hearing, while his hand reached out of its own accord and grabbed the small black box.

The vial that he found inside really threw him for a loop. It wasn’t frequent that he was caught completely by surprise, but tonight, she did it twice to him and he loved it.

He couldn’t begin to imagine what the vial contained–poison? To kill his enemies? A truth powder? For his interrogations? But why would she, of all people, get him something related to his work? A sleeping potion? She didn’t know that he was an insomniac. An exotic spice? But he was the traveller, and he had access to any strange and unique ingredient he could possibly desire. 

It’s for the headaches that everyone gives you

Not you, he wanted to say with a smile. Never you.

But he couldn’t help but laugh. Laugh like a crazy madman. He couldn’t stop laughing because this girl was bizarre. Hilarious. She made him happy. She surprised him. She gave him one of the oddest gifts in the pantheon of weird gifts that he’d received in his lifetime. He laughed because for once, he felt the joy of Solstice in his bones–and he knew that he should cherish the feeling. He finally had confirmation too–she thought of him. His secret torment was answered, loudly and unequivocally with this little gift. She thought of him, cared about him, observed him, wanted him to feel good physically, noticed things about him that others didn’t, made a special journey to the healer to make this specifically for him. She was his girl. Because no other male, including her mate or Rhys, received a gift from her. 

His. 

“I prepared the bed for you,” she added, that smile becoming a little shy, as colour spread over her cheeks.

He swallowed so loudly at her admission, it sounded like a gong in his ears.

She prepared his bed?

His bed?

“Well, and Cassian’s too,” she added quickly.

Fuck Cass.

She made his bed. For him.

“Everyone’s been so busy for the past few days,” she continued, her speech a bit rambling, “that I wanted to help and I made the beds for everyone. For you.”

For me. 

Yes. She made the bed for me. 

Why would she emphasise that, if it didn’t matter to her?

“Thank you,” was all he could manage. 

Mother bless him. It was like he forgot how to speak entirely.

“So, you aren’t going upstairs yet?” she queried, glancing at the clock. It was almost three in the morning.

“Not yet,” he confirmed, his wing twitching behind her, the need to touch her overwhelming him. As if sensing the battle in him, she stepped back and pressed her back into the wing, making him growl under his breath. 

The noise seemed to alarm her, and she bit her lower lip, while glancing up at him from her long dark lashes, unsure of what to do next.

No. No. No.

Not the lip bite. No.

He peered down at her, unable to tear his eyes from the white teeth that were worrying the fleshy, rosy lip.

He drew his tongue over his teeth, attempting to calm the raging fucking desire that swept over him in a heated wave. She stood so close to him, in the embrace of his wing, her pert, round behind pressed into the membrane, while biting that delicious fucking lip, her cheeks blushing pink.

What was he supposed to do now?

The heat from the fireplace made him even hotter, and he watched her mouth, imagining those soft lips parted as she moaned his name, while his scarred hand pressed over her arched, splayed body, as she submitted to him wholly. 

Cauldron bless it. Enough already!

“Did you…” she stalled, but then asked, “did you…growl at me?”

The ridiculous question made him smile, and he couldn’t help himself. He also couldn’t help but notice how her eyes sparkled when she watched him.

Suddenly, she reached out and drew her finger over the line of his jaw, murmuring,

“You should smile more. It suits you.”

“I don’t growl,” he said stubbornly, willing her to keep her hand on his face. Pleading.

She cocked her brow at him and laughed,

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t growl. Well, not often…” 

Her finger kept its slow exploration of his jawline, as she watched him intently and openly.

“Is it because I touched your wing?” she asked then, and he couldn’t hide his surprise at the question. “Does it feel…good? Or bad? Invasive?”

“It feels good,” he admitted honestly, his voice rough and low. He didn’t mind if she knew. He just wanted to keep her close, and his wing wouldn’t budge and refused to release her anyway. 

“Hmm,” was all she hummed, while the claw brushed down her spine softly, then rounding over her bottom unexpectedly.

He didn’t mean to do that. Not at all.

He froze, the claw resting just below her behind, completely inappropriately. She was also still, her breathing deepening from the contact, her cheeks colouring even more.

“I…”

Shit. Shit. What was he thinking? He wasn’t. That’s the problem. He lost his fucking mind when next to her. 

But, he wasn’t going to apologise. Wasn’t going to explain himself. They were both Fae. It was in their nature to take what they wanted, to fight and to stake their claim on what they desired. He was a Fae male, an Illyrian too, and it was in him to conquer and possess. But she–she was Fae just like him, and there was plenty of power and iron will in her too. If she didn’t want him, she could step away and assert herself. He’d seen the determination in her, the steely defiance that lived under the soft visage. She was gentle and polite, but she roared with her own beast now that it paced inside of her. 

“I was getting myself a drink,” he said at last, his voice firm, just like the hold of his wing on her round ass. “Now that everyone seemed to have dispersed…”

“Can you make me one as well?” she asked boldly and his lips twitched in a smirk.

That’s my girl.

Not his. 

But right now, she was. She was his girl.

“Of course. What would you like?” he turned back to the bar, and began muddling a lemon in his glass. “Wine?”

It didn’t escape him that she’d hammered down a hefty shot of whiskey earlier in the evening, when Nesta had arrived. 

Her cute nose wrinkled and she shook her head.

“I want whiskey,” she requested to his surprise and pleasure. “A whiskey sour, which is a drink in the Human,”

“I know,” he winked at her, amused. “I’ve had it.”

“Alright, then make me one,” she all but demanded and he snorted a laugh.

“Fine, princess, I’ll make you one.”

She looked at him, her eyes skimming over his face, her gaze curious, and then she whispered,

“You…”

“What?”

“I don’t know…You are lighter, somehow…”

I am always lighter with you, beautiful. You are my sunshine. You make me want to live.

“Good food, good meat, good company,” he shrugged like it didn’t matter. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

She didn’t answer, but crowded him from behind, stepping closer, her chin resting on his bicep, while he measured the drink’s ingredients. His wing cocooned her entirely, and he held her close to his side, loving the trusting slant of her head, as it pressed into his arm, while she watched his hands with fascination. 

The moment he began measuring out the liquor, she tapped on his hand and demanded, 

“I want to do it!”

He chuckled softly, amused by her impatience and nodded, seeing an opportunity and taking it–as he lifted his arm and had her step under it, and in front of him. His wings snapped out and cradled the two of them, while he put his arms around her and began showing her how to make a couple of drinks. She was warm and seemed small against him, but when she pressed her back to his front, it struck him just how perfectly she slotted into his chest–every bit of her curved and moulded with perfect precision into him. Even her head fit into the slight divot between his pecs, when she pushed her head into his sternum.

“...No, slice the orange a bit thinner,” he instructed, watching her, his chin resting on top of her head. 

“This is already thin!” she complained, and he smiled, breathing in the scent of her hair, the honey more pronounced in her tresses, while he squeezed the juice into the tumbler.

“If you want to learn, then that’s how it’s done,” he said sternly, though he was still smiling, enjoying the little challenges that he was throwing her way. He critiqued how she muddled the mint and the lemon, and jerked her hand back, when she got a little too aggressive with cinnamon and clove mix for the mulled wine cocktail that he decided to try out.

“How do you know all of this?” she pondered, listening attentively, doing what he told her, though she argued with him plenty too.

“Travels mostly,” he explained, watching her work next to him, the two of them working in tandem, in mutual comfort and at ease. Their compatible power flow made it easy for them to operate in companionable agreement–he was already well-aware of how well they played off each other, how there was always an undercurrent of understanding, how there was no need for extra words. Although he actually enjoyed talking to her, exchanging little jokes and barbs, both of them knew that words were superfluous–he could simply touch her hand, and she’d know what he needed from her. When she moved her finger, or rolled her shoulder in a certain way, a whole silent dialogue was spoken wordlessly between the two of them.

“I want to travel,” she sighed sadly, and then he took her hand in his and gently squeezed her fingers, spritzing a squirt of orange oil over the glass, before easily lighting it on fire with his siphon power. She gasped with excitement, clapping like a child and he…well, did he dare?

Just do it, you idiot. She won’t mind! 

What if she does mind? That’s crossing all sorts of boundaries.

You were just thinking how you were so Fae, how you were a possessive, domineering Illyrian, and yet, you are making the same dumb mistakes as you did with Mor!

There was a real reason not to do it with Mor!

But there is no reason not to do it with her!

And you don’t get many chances like these…

Azriel  carefully moved his arm up and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. The pleasant heat of their powers flowed gently between their bodies, and he was sure that she felt it as well. But, as she observed the flaming drink, the scent of expensive liquor and oranges mixing in the air, Azriel exhaled and pressed his lips to the top of her head at last. He dared. 

She bit that lovely lower lip again, feeling his mouth on her skin, the weight of his arm around her, and he wished that he could rest his hands on her hips, but that would truly be crossing the boundaries between the two of them.

“Can I come and travel with you?” she proposed suddenly, while he rubbed his cheek over the top of her head.

“I don’t see why not?”

“But I…”

Her words were interrupted by the front door bursting open and a gust of cold wind and snowflakes flew in, just as Cassian stalked inside. His face was grim and set in a granite-hewn scowl and Azriel figured that the conversation with Nesta went about as well as expected. Cassian toed off his boots and ripped his heavy cloak off his body, leaving both behind in a messy, wet pile. He made his way to the bar, lips pressed in a tight line, not encouraging conversation. Not that Azriel would ask him. Nesta was a subject that was off the table for discussion. And that was just fine, since it wasn’t like Azriel could be turned to for romantic advice anyway. 

“Oh, shit, I didn’t see you there!” Cassian jerked away, when he finally spotted Azriel and his girl, mostly hidden within his embrace and his wings. Cassian’s face betrayed a small sense of confusion and he glanced at the two of them with a perplexed frown, before shaking his head as if he didn’t want to bother with them. 

Wordlessly, she handed Cassian one of the stronger drinks that they had made, and he took it without saying anything, chugging the concoction in one gulp. It didn’t seem to matter what he was drinking, as long as it was alcohol. He handed the tumbler back to her and then grunted, ‘I am going to bed’.

Mor, who was standing in the shadows, her arms crossed on her ample chest, looked at Cassian with worry and sadness. Her gaze fell to the couple who still remained by the bar, then on Feyre, who watched Cass as he climbed the stairs with aggressive determination, and then back to Cassian, before she decided to follow him, concerned etched on her beautiful face. 

“Do you want to go with him?

Azriel sighed, and looked wistfully at the stairs where his brother had disappeared. Maybe he should’ve gone after him? To be a good friend meant being there for those he loved and he loved Cassian. He loved Cassian deeply. But then he pressed his lips to the top of her head again, casually, as if this was something he did all the time, as if she was really his and believing that she’d like it and enjoy it. 

“I am not good at comforting others,” he admitted softly.

She brushed her fingers over his hand and murmured thoughtfully,

“Well, I don’t know about that…You comforted me very well when I needed you…”

He frowned.

“I did?”

“You were there when I needed you most,” she confessed, and then turned swiftly in his embrace, and looked up at him. “You were there. With silence. And tea. And seeds. And the flowers that you’d left for me,”

“Peonies,” he recalled, though he meant to keep his mouth shot.

It was supposed to have been a secret, idiot. Keep your big mouth shut, for once!

“Yes,” she smiled at him, and then those delicate fingers cupped his jaw, and she brushed her thumb over his chin. “Peonies. My favourites.”

“They are?” he asked innocently, as if he didn’t know.

She tsked playfully and said, “As if the spymaster didn’t know…”

“Truth be told, they are my favourites. And I hoped that you’d appreciate them as well…” he admitted, feeling shy about this confession.

Her eyes lit up with disbelief and excitement,

“They are?!”

“They are,” he confirmed. “I suppose it’s another thing that we share…”

“It is! They are big and shaggy and unapologetic,” she mused, and Azriel never knew anyone who described flowers in this manner. “They remind me of big fluffy dogs…Or maybe Cassian,”

He grinned and nodded his agreement. 

“They are! They are like Cassian!”

She was laughing openly and he relished the sound, the happiness in her voice, the sparkle in her eyes.

Unexpectedly, he asked, “And what am I?” 

She cocked her head to the side, offering him a measured look and then finally said,

“A calla lily–a black or purple one. Sharp and elegant, straight and mysterious,”

“So, not a shaggy dog then?”

She laughed again and said, “No. Not a shaggy dog. Rhys–I think that Rhys is a forget-me-not.”

“Is he?” he raised his brow at the unexpected choice.

“Yes, he is a striking, certainly unforgettable,”

“That he is,”

“Traditional, and leaves an impression. You never quite know what to expect with him.”

“And what about you?” 

Suddenly, her expression hardened and she muttered, mostly to herself, but he could certainly hear her, ‘he always sends me sunflowers. I hate sunflowers.’

Azriel didn’t need to ask who ‘he’ was. 

“Do you want to try what we’ve made?” he proposed, changing the subject and veering away from any mention of her so-called mate. 

Maybe, just maybe, he should just call a Blood Duel and end it all, once and for all. The idea has been living in the back of his mind for a while now–it would’ve been the simplest way of removing that obstacle from his path. But Azriel feared how she would react. Killing her mate, however poor that match was, would cause her an irreversible, irreparable ache, which would last for all of eternity. Yes, he was selfish and wanted her for himself, desired her for as long as he’d known her, struck mad and blind with need and attraction from the moment he saw her back when she was human. However, he wasn’t prepared to hurt her like that, no matter how much he craved her and yearned for her to be his. 

“Yes,” she laughed happily, forgetting about her mate in an instant, and then placed all the glasses and tumblers on a small tray and carried them to the sitting room. He missed her touch immediately–and for someone who didn’t enjoy being touched, even in the bedroom, this was an unusual feeling. But she was special. Unlike anyone else in his life. And he had a very strong, and terrifying feeling that no one would ever come close to how she felt, and how he felt with her. When he fell, he fell hard. And this time around, he fell into the abyss of love and never came up for air.

He placed his hand on the small of her back, and followed her silently.

His shadows were long gone, having gone to wherever they disappeared to when he didn’t need them. Her, they trusted implicitly with his safety, and his heart. Somehow, the hellish things knew that she’d never hurt him and that she’d protect him as her own, if the need arose. They’d seen it before–when she beat the shit out of the naga with her bare feet, hitting and kicking their raging, bloody maws, protecting him with the savagery and the wild bravery of a true Fae. She’d gone ballistic and if he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought that he was her mate, for how brutal she was when she was defending him and saving all of their lives. But he was not her mate. The Cauldron decided otherwise. It decided that Beron’s seventh son was worthy of her, of the honour and the pleasure of being her mate. 

They sat side by side on the comfortable velvet sofa and she placed the tray of drinks on the table in front of them. He picked one of the glasses and she took another, and then, gently he clinked his glass to hers, and said, ‘happy Solstice!’

“I like it so far,” she smiled, and took a sip, her eyes flying wide open and he chuckled, figuring that she wasn't expecting it to be as strong as it was. 

“This is mostly whiskey and a little sour,” she joked, but didn’t put the drink down and continued drinking.

Azriel sank into the sofa, his thoughts turning dark and unhappy, when he forced himself to acknowledge that this was nothing but a stolen moment. She wasn’t his. One day, soon, sooner than he’d like, she would be with her mate, celebrating Solstice with him, perhaps as soon as next year. And then, years would bleed one into the other, and their luxurious manor would fill with children–red-headed and brown-eyed–and she would be happy and content, and joyfully mated, having learned to love her destined male. 

“Try it,” she offered him her drink. 

“What?” 

He was so caught up in his unhappy thoughts that he forgot that he was next to her, and that for now he was meant to enjoy himself.

Nice going, fool. She is right here, and yet you are thinking only of the time when she wouldn’t be. 

“Do you want to try it?” she held the tumbler to his mouth and gave him a little encouraging nod. He wasn’t going to deny her, or himself, and with entirely too much eagerness, he clasped his fingers over hers, and made her bring the tumbler to his lips. Twisting her wrist just a little bit, he managed to put his lips to the spot where hers were just a moment ago and he took a sip of the whiskey. She didn't give a shit about the drink, but tasting her lips off the glass, the faint whisper of sugary sweetness, and something with cherries…

Was hers popped?

He’d wondered before, more times that he cared to admit. Wondered if she was untouched or if someone had claimed her. The idea of another man, or male, seeing her nudity, touching her delectable flesh, caressing her body, putting his mouth on her skin, and furthermore, being inside of her, filled him with animalistic rage. 

He kept it to himself now, but it simmered beneath his skin, his Fae possessiveness rising to the surface. 

Mine.

She was his. 

He didn’t give a fuck that she wasn’t. Because she was. She was his. She was always his. Made for him. To think that she’d gone through the horror of her Making, through the ultimate change, which stripped her of her humanity and boiled the blood in her veins until there was nothing left, only to be given to her mate was unthinkable. Azriel wouldn’t put it past himself to simply tear the male’s throat with his teeth and just end him. 

What wouldn’t he do for her?

He’d gone into the bowels of Hybern’s camp for her.

He’d armed her with part of his own soul, when he gave her Truth Teller.

He’d watched her die and resurrect and come to him in her new form.

She was his. And he would happily, wholeheartedly be hers. 

She tasted of cherries and vanilla, which surprised him. It was a rich and decadent combination, especially mixed with the bite of whiskey on his tongue, and it took everything in him not to pull her closer, and not to capture those delicious, full lips in a kiss. 

And why was he even thinking of her virginity right now? Or lack thereof? It really wasn’t his business, but the taste of cherries and honey and whiskey was so pronounced, that’s all he could think about. 

“Do you like it?” she asked earnestly, but Azriel wasn’t sure what she was asking, because her wondrous eyes watched him like he was the only thing in the world. Like he was hers.

“I love it,” he admitted, unable to tear his gaze away from her.

She licked her lips and he tracked the movement of her pink tongue hungrily, wondering what it would feel like if she licked his lips next. But it was impossible, so he did the next best thing he could think of–he raised his glass to her mouth and said, ‘try mine’.

She lingered on the spot where his lips and tongue had been, not even trying to be subtle about it, especially because she watched him intently, her brown doe eyes blinking over the rim of the glass. 

“Delicious,” she murmured, dragging her tongue over the spot where his lips touched it, pretending to drink. They both knew that she wasn’t really tasting the cocktail.

His body moved on its own, and he found himself inching closer to her, his thigh pressing to hers and then, she was climbing up onto the sofa and tucking her legs under her, settling in comfortably next to him.

“You want me to show you something?” she proposed and he nodded, draping his arm over the back of the sofa, letting his fingers brush over her soft hair. 

Offhandedly, he said, his eyes skimming over her dress, her beautiful pale neck, which would definitely look much better if he marked it with his teeth and his lips, “this dress calls for a necklace’.

She glanced at him, while she hauled a large, leather-bound journal from the side table, and wondered, “what kind of necklace?”

“A small one…pretty. Nothing ostentatious,” he decided, putting his finger over the indent between her collarbones. “Just here. A little charm, just to draw attention,”

She huffed,

“You want to draw attention to my neck?”

“My attention,” he said firmly. 

She snorted a little laugh and noted, “I think your attention is already there.”

He smirked and didn’t argue.

She opened the big book and he leaned on the table, propping his cheek, though his wing remained around her, holding her close to him. She didn’t seem to notice, or if she did, she didn’t mind it.

“This might be boring for you,” she warned him with a frown.

He took a sip of drink from her glass and said lightly,

“Nothing you show me could bore me, beauti-...” he caught himself and quickly added, “show me,”

She sighed, and then, somewhat shyly, explained,

“No one cares about my gardens, and I don't expect you to either, but I wanted to show someone,”

He smiled at her and said gently, “You can show me anything. I know little about gardening, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy their beauty…or that I don’t realise how much effort it takes to nurture and maintain them,”

She glanced at him, her face conveying appreciation, and trust.

She shouldn’t have trusted him. 

His thoughts were full of violence that he wanted to inflict on her mate, of resentment towards the hand that was dealt to him in life, of lust and desire. He wanted to destroy her mate, so he could have a chance with her. He wanted to start a war, and he didn’t care. He knew there would be severe consequences if he began pursuing her, probably starting with Rhysand, and on to Beron, and Eris and finally Lucien. He didn’t care. 

He didn’t want war. He was an Illyrian warrior, but war held no attraction to him whatsoever. He wanted his woman–this woman–bowed beneath him, moaning in pleasure, with the two of them in their own house. He wanted to fuck her, hard and often, and fill her with his seed. He wanted her to ripen with his son, and bear their child and feed him at her breast, so the babe grew strong and mighty. Azriel was Fae and that’s what Fae desired first and foremost–power, dominance and a strong offspring. 

However, all of this was nothing but a dream. Just a dream that he knew would never come to pass. So, he concentrated on what she was telling him–her plans spread out across the table, charts, names of flowers written in different squares, sketches, scribbles all over the plans, lines crossing some of the writing. She put a lot of thought and effort into the plans, and somehow, Azriel felt pride for her. It might not have been his interest, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t admire the effort and the time that went into these plans. Much like she might not have been a warrior, but it didn’t mean that she didn’t acknowledge what he did on the battlefield and how she complimented him shyly after the war, saying that she’d never seen anything like that, and that her heart threatened to jump out of her chest when she was watching him fight.

They all had different talents–he, with a sword and dagger, and she, with seeds and soil and shovels. 

He propped his cheek and watched her talk, smiling softly at her excitement, at how she gesticulated and waved her hands as she discussed her plans. They sipped on their drinks, using the glasses interchangeably and he permitted himself to lightly caress her long hair.

Feyre watched the two of them with interest. Maybe even surprise. 

It didn’t escape Azriel’s attention–his High Lady’s eyes, watching him with her sister. It was as if she couldn’t believe that he’d be willing to sit here, in the wee hours of Solstice night, and look at garden plans. 

“Good night,” Feyre called out, as Rhys wrapped his arm around her.

If she only knew. If she only knew how much he loved this quiet evening, with his girl by his side, with only the two of them, their bodies pressed together, his fingers in her hair. She was a little buzzed from all the alcohol that she’d consumed and laughed and talked a lot. At some point, she flipped off her expensive, high-heeled satin pumps and he saw her bare feet. It was the third time he saw them–and he loved the sight of them.

The first time he saw her bare feet was when he was half-dead, with a fucking bolt stuck in his chest, barely clinging to life and she was dragged before him, screaming and crying and fighting, and the realisation that he couldn’t protect her or her sister, and that something irreversibly awful was about to happen to them, almost killed him. And the horror that he experienced in those moments, when she was tossed into the Cauldron first, and he didn't know if she’d re-emerge at all, and if she did, what she would be, was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. What happened to Morrigan was unforgivable, but those were Fae, who could be dealt with. The Cauldron was an entity that no one knew anything about and what it was capable of remained shrouded in mystery. And then…then his girl was tossed out, changed and almost naked, crying and inhuman, and was immediately given to another. And Azriel cried. He never cried, not before, not since, but he cried then–for her lost life, and her destroyed humanity, and her fate, because she was offered as a reward to an unworthy male. And she wasn’t meant for him. 

The second time he saw her bare feet was when she was in his arms, pressed to him, silent and calm, the fucking Cauldron also in love with her, strange as it was. The Cauldron released her from its presence, and gave her to him, so he could carry her to safety in his arms. Those small bare feet fought for him and his life that night, fiercely and fearlessly. As if he was her mate.

He didn’t save her that time in Hybern, but she saved him at the camp.

Perhaps, at the end, they saved each other. 

Now, this beautiful Solstice night, she was with him– no longer in danger, though he was probably the greatest predator that she’d encountered and yet, didn’t know anything about. But she trusted him enough to take her shoes in front of him, and that filled him with inexplicable joy. Because it felt like he was her home.

She kept yawning and then dozing off, her head falling on his shoulder, before jerking back up, as she attempted to remain awake. 

Carefully, he pressed her head to his chest and kept his hand in her hair, whispering, ‘shhh, go to sleep…”

“But I can’t!” she protested drunkenly, “you are here…and I have to…”

“I’ll watch over you,” he promised. 

“But you are tired too,” she yawned again, covering her mouth politely, her eyelids drooping. “You have to rest.”

“That’s exactly what I am doing,” he assured her with a smile. “The greatest rest I’ve had in a long time,”

“Liar,” she moaned softly, but in the next few minutes, her breathing became steady and she fell asleep on him.

Elain was not trusting. She was alert, often nervous, wary of some of the Fae, and aware of her surroundings.

But she trusted him enough to fall asleep on him and find peace in his arms.

Bleary light woke her up. 

The townhouse was awake, but still sleepy, its occupants not yet ready to start their morning routines. 

She managed to open her eyes. Cautiously, just a little bit, trying to ascertain where she was, because it didn’t feel like her bed. Ahhh…the sofa downstairs. She was sprawled amidst the cushions and pillows, and covered with a throw. That’s why she was warm and comfortable.

Something unusual touched her face and she dipped her eyes down.

On her chest rested a unique, unfamiliar flower.

It was white, with petals that were veined with gold and dark blue. There was a note that was attached to the flower, and she opened it up. Written in an elegant scroll, it read,

Happy Solstice! Something for your future garden. It’s called the Golden Dusk and grows on the slopes of the island that once used to be the Dusk Court.

Did he winnow all the way to the Prison island to retrieve this for her? So she could have her gift this Solstice? It seemed like he did.

She smiled and pressed the flower to her chest.

this is a personal Solstice gift for @123moiaussi my Secret Santa! Enjoy

[autonomousllama]

Get to Know Me - Sims Edition

Thank you @papermint-airplane for the tag!

What's your favourite Sims death?

In the Sims 1 it would have to be death by fire, the screams were very messed up. What does that even day about me?

In the Sims 2, death by locusts. I just think it's very creative really, and karma for not cleaning up lol.

In the Sims 3 it would have to be either death by meteor or being crushed by a vending machine. They are jsut so abrubt and random, not to mention if a school gets hit by one, the children can't escape! Thta's messed up.

I haven't played the sims 4 in ages so uh, i dunno...

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

In the sims 2, Maxis Match, sort of, all my defaults are clay hairs now. They used to not be, but I will never use Alpha cc.

The sims 3 is a bit tricky because I feel like there isn't really maxis match or alpha. I guess maxis match since I don't really like the really shiny alpha hair.

When I used to play sims 4 it was primarily maxis match.

Do you cheat your sims weight?

Nope, I don't even have to, these people lose and gain weight quicker than I can even notice it, it's weird.

When I was playing with the Bunch family in the sims 3, Jack had to get athletic points for his job and he immediately lost tons of weight even though it had only been a day!

Do you use move objects?

Yup, well, mostly in the sims 2, it hasn't really come up often in the sims 3...

Favourite Mod?

In the Sims 2, it has to be 50 New Lifetime Wants and Lifetime Want Chooser by Lamare, it's changed my life honestly. I would also reccommend Semester Changes by Cyjon which makes University 8 days long, which is a lifesaver.

For the Sims 3, I have a few. There is this one here that stops snow day from happening at all, but it is in a different language. There is also Faster Gardening by berryblonde. I also use the Random Genetics Mod by NeuroBlazer that has been deleted by the links are saved in this post here

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

For Sims 1, I got the ultimate collection, so they all were the first one...

Um, I don't remember for the sims 2, I really don't, I used to play it when I was really young and my mum just bought them whenever she found them.

I do remember that I bought every expansion pack as it came out for the sims 3, the exception being world adventures for some reason. I think there was some kind of problem with that pack? Well, it was Ambitions for me, I love that pack!

For the sims 4, I think it was either Dine Out or Get to Work.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

aLIVE, no shame here.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

Lain, I feel like I put a lot of effort into making here since I was going to show her off to the internet. I also feel very attached to her since I've given her so much backstory and personality, which I haven't really done for other sims in the past. Not including Jane...

Have you made a simself?

Only once, back in the sims 2. I made me and my family and played for a bit with them. Haven't done that since, by maybe I will try and do that some day.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

Well...I like the red hair swatch in the sims 2 I guess? And the sims 3 plantinum blonde is fun. Don't know about sims 4 though....

Favorite EA hair?

Although I replaced them all with clay hair, I do still feel a lot of fondness for the sims 2 hairs. I think my favourite is the one with the beanie and long straight hair.

Sims 3 hair...is not good. Although, the hairs that came in later expansions were better. I like the surfer hair for guys that came in Island Paradise.

I like none of the sims 4 ea hairs. I feel like the community does a better job at making clay hair than the sims team, sorry.

Favorite life stage?

I'm also going to be boring and say YA. It's were the fun starts. Teens are also fun in sims 2 and and 3.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

Gameplay. I've gotten more into building lately, but I do get kinda impatient with it.

Are you a CC creator?

Nope! I have no talent for it at all.

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

I have no idea what a Sim Squad is supposed to be, but I do have Simblr friends.

Do you have any sims merch?

I wish I did.

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

In the past, I just jumped into the game and messed around for a bit then started a new game. It's only now that i've been trying out challenges and legacies. It's made me want to play the games a lot more.

What’s your origin id?

The fact that I had to go and check. It's persona34a. I've had it for a while, it's in reference to the persona games when Persona 4: The Animation came out. You can add me if you want but I have never used Origin as anything more than a way to access the games I play so I have no idea what any of that will do...

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

For sims 2: @platinumaspiration and @midgethetree

For the sims 3: @sweetdevil-sims, i've just gotten so many stuff from them

How long have you had simblr?

uuuuuu-

Over a year now I think, that's when I first started the Doe Legacy.

How do you edit your pictures?

I use Gimp to edit my pictures, which was a rather steep learning curve when I first started. I'm still a little rusty on it but It's not like I need to do much them other than cut out the bits of UI.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite?

For sims 1: Vacation, I had a lot of fun jsut sending them on vacation and quitting when their needs dropped too low, lol.

For sims 2: Apartment Life. What can I say, I love apartments and Belladonna Cove

For sims 3: Now that's a tricky one, but I am going to say Generations just because it so much depth to family gemplay and finally gives kids and teens something to do.

Sims 4: um...pass...

Edit: How the hell did I forget to tag people?

I am tagging: @hause-of-pancakes @treason-and-plot @erasabledinosaur @frostedshore @uglynormie @faeriefrolic @igglemouse @platinumaspiration @hurricanesims @kevinvoncrastenburg @tsims @simsdastra

[bluebedo]

James Potter's Top 10 People

James and Remus

Gayest bromance in the world

James layed his eyes on Remus and immediately went "I want to marry him"

Definitely snogged at least once

Constant jokes about them running off together, so much some students don't believe it's a joke

Remus, deadpan: Of course Lily would go out with you, you're an extremely attractive guy.

James, also deadpan: Careful. Say that again and I may have to shag you, right here and now.

James and Sirius

Chaotic father and idiot son energy

Probably scared away all of Sirius' past relationships like an overprotective dad

Best giver of the worst advice

The person who took him in and cared for him no matter what, whether it be his parents kicking him out, him being gay, or anything in the world. He's always there for his son.

James: You better have a good reason for coming home this late.

Sirius: I was putting dungbombs outside of the Slytherin portrait so when they all leave their common room tomorrow morning they're bombarded with them.

James, on the verge of tears: That's my boy.

James and Peter

Big brother energy

James basically adopted Peter as his younger brother when they were about 5 and he realised Peter had no friends or anything.

Best wingman for a lost cause

Play-wrestling constantly

Bought Peter his first alcohol and let him drink it when he was 15 and James had just turned 16.

Peter, nervous about becoming an animagus for the first time: When Remus turns into a werewolf his bones become all weird and sore because of how he changes shape. So will the same happen to us as animagi since it's basically the same process?

James, crossing his toes: I don't know man, but look at what my feet can do.

James and Lily

Enemies to lovers, basically

Both felt immediate mum energy over Sirius so we're jealous of each other, and said jealousy turned into rivalry

Always in love but only realised it when they got into a fight after a Quidditch match in 6th year and James instinctively kissed her.

Sirius calls them his mum and dad

They're each other's biggest cheerleader and rival

James: Good luck on your exam, your hair looks amazing today, I love you with every bone in my body, and I'm the favourite parent because you suck beyond all measures. Ciao!

Lily, in shock and watching James walk away without another word:

James and Marlene

Rivals who didn't turn into lovers because Marlene rejected him immediately since she's gay.

She was his first crush at school, and he was her first nuisance.

When he found out she was a lesbian he tried to hook her up with basically every girl who gave him any queer energy at all.

Best players on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and most enthusiastic.

James: If I was any object, I think I'd be a screwdriver. I don't know why, though

Marlene: I do. Its because you're a massive tool.

James and Mary

Fake-rivals due to their shared love for Lily (though Mary's is platonic)

Mary and Lily have a similar relationship to Remus and James, so James and Mary practically fight for Lily's love.

Both own fake swords that they often pretend to fight with.

She wants to be a nurse and he's absolute chaos incarnate, as well as too stubborn to go to Madam Pomfrey, so she often practices medicinal potions in him

Mary, pressing a fake sword to James' throat: My name is Mary Catherine MacDonald. You stole my wife. Prepare... To die!

James, who just woke up from sleeping on the common room couch: ...Dad?

James and McGonagall

Co-parents of Sirius Black

If James is ever worried about Sirius he goes straight to McGonagall.

He's a saint to her since he keeps Sirius in check during her lessons.

McGonagall was the one to recommend him as headboy to Dumbledore, and James has basically been in love ever since.

James, watching Sirius try setting fire to Snape's hair in charms class: They grow up so fast.

McGonagall, who's covering the class for a sick Flitwick: Mr Potter! Are you not going to do anything?

James: ...Sirius, stop that right now!

James and the Prewett Twins

The Prewett Twins basically took all the marauders under their wing when they joined, but James especially connected with them.

His favourite is Fabian, but only because his name is better.

He once charmed his hair bright orange for a day in 3rd year to match them before Lily began incessantly teasing him about being in love with her.

He's honestly taught them more magic than they taught him.

Gideon, high: Have you ever wondered why frogs?

Fabian, also high: Dude! I thought the exact same thing.

James, 12, trying to be cool around his awesome upper classmates: Yeah. Frogs. They're... Green?

James and Regulus

It's more of a relationship from afar where they just nod at each other in the hallways and have certain secret stares that mean certain things.

James got worried for Regulus after Sirius was kicked out, so started silently checking in on him like this.

HUGE soft spot for Reggie, possible childhood crush

Regulus told him something was wrong through their looks one day, and James convinced Sirius to go talk to him. That's the day they found out Regulus was forced to get the dark mark.

Regulus, staring at James from across the hall and secretly telling him about what a horrible Christmas:

James, staring right back at Regulus in horror: That bitch!

Sirius, who was eating his porridge besides James, oblivious to what was going on: I don't know who we're talking about, but you're so right.

James and Euphemia

Places the utmost trust in her

Absolute best mums ever, both probably have mugs saying, “Number 1# mum” and “Number 2# mug”

James has the number 2 one, which is the same as his mums only he crossed out 1 and put 2

Basically the same person only James has his father’s horrible memory

James, sipping from his “Second best mum” cup and watching Sirius: I’m so good at raising kids

Euphemia, sipping from her “Best mum” cup and side-eyeing James: I’m not.

[tv-music]

Umbrella Academy Review 1.09

Changes

The penultimate episode begins with a look at Vanya’s childhood, back when she still had powers, and boy, did the writers do a great job convincing me that Reginald may have been spot on about hiding Vanya’s powers from her - how many people did we watch a very young Vanya kill? It also explained to us why their Mum is a robot - so Vanya couldn’t kill her. 

A grown up Vanya seems to be in shock after slitting her sister’s throat at the end of the last episode, as Leonard continues to try to manipulate her. She thinks Alison's dead and all she wants is to explain to her siblings what happened, but Leonard convinces her she’s special.

Vanya later finds her Dad’s journal at Leonards house and finally sees him for what he really is (it’s about damn time) Leonard tries to manipulate her once more but it seems as though the fog has finally lifted. Leonard then tries a different tactic, at least I think that’s what he was doing, by berating her and calling her ordinary, just like dear old dad used to but this backfires in a major way. Her powers kick in (and really do seem to possess her) and she kills Leonard. Well I can’t pretend I’m sad about that

The siblings arrive back at the house and Alison is somehow still breathing (Im no medical expert but surely she wouldn’t have survived that in the real world) and Pogo and their Mum start working on trying to save her

She wakes up with Luther by her side but due to the damage to her vocal chords, she can’t speak. She grabs a notepad and tells Luther about Vanya’s powers, Pogo steps in and finally reveals all

Klaus decides he’s had enough of being sober and goes searching for pills while being lectured on life by Ben, as Klaus continues to be, well, Klaus, Ben punches him and for the first time since dying, makes physical contact. It seems that now Klaus is sober, his powers are growing - is this what Reginald meant by how he hasn’t scratched the surface of what he can do? 

Five and Diego continue with their mission to try to stop the apocalypse and make Klaus join them. When they arrive at Leonards house they find his body, and Five confirms that this is who the eye belongs to. Five, as usual, has the right train of thought, if Harold doesn’t cause the apocalypse then what does? It’s been clear to the viewers for a few episodes that Vanya must be the cause, it’s about time the siblings caught up.

Hazel shows up at the house while Five is having a lovely little date with Dolores. Just as Hazel is about to tell Five why he’s there, Diego attacks him for his ex's death, while Five just sits back and watches, all he’s missing is a bit of popcorn. He finally knocks Diego out and hears what Hazel has to say, he wants to help stop the apocalypse, Five tells him its done and they part on good terms - but not before Five gets the answers Diego needs, Cha Cha killed his ex and Hazel produces the gun to prove it. 

Agnes returns to her hotel room and finds Cha Cha waiting for her. Seriously, what is her deal? Why does she care so much about Hazel moving on with his life? Why can’t she just be happy for him - I’m really not enjoying this part of the show and wish she would just go away. Hazel returns to the motel to find Agnes tied up and Cha Cha waiting for him and the two begin fighting - the handler shows up just in time which to be clear is the only reason i’ve mentioned this part of the episode at all - she survived and now she’s pissed.

Vanya finally arrives at the house and finds Luther waiting, to Vanya’s credit she doesn’t try to lie about what happened, she’s nothing but honest and asks Luther is she can see her. Luther said all the right things and even opened up his arms for a hug, but it was clear from his demeanor that something was off. Instead of just hugging her, he squeezes her until she passes out and locks her up just like their Dad did when they were kids- what the fuck were you thinking Luther?

Diego and Klaus seem less than happy about the situation, both making the point that she’s their sister and that she doesn’t need to be locked up, she needs their help. Alison shows up and also tells Luther to let her go, insisting that it was her fault but Luther won’t budge and let’s face it he’s physically stronger than them all so they don’t have much of an option

Five returned Dolores to the store in what was truly an emotionally charged moment, watching him say goodbye to the inanimate object that was his only company for so long was heartbreaking 

Down in her cell, Vanya began speaking with her childhood self - I’m not sure what to call it - and she tapped into her power once again, this time using the only noise she has, her own heartbeat. Her powers truly are incredible, but they also seem like they’re not actually her. It really does seem like she’s possessed while all this happens and are nothing like the Vanya we see any other time. When any of the other siblings use their powers they are simply them but with powers whereas Vanya doesn’t feel or seem like her at all. Is this how it’s supposed to be? Was this explained and I’ve just missed it? I’m not sure but that final shot of her having broken out of her prison was truly terrifying - her siblings better watch out

Extra Thoughts

Five and Klaus’s conversation about addiction - and Klaus’s very astute observation that Five is addicted to the apocalypse - was brilliant. These two are by far my favourite characters and I love watching them interact

Luther really pissed me off this episode - why could he not understand what Vanya needed in that moment. Klaus literally said it to him - she’s scared, she’s just found out about this new power and doesn’t know how to control it - she needs their help

Surely once Luther was distracted by Alison not speaking to him, one of the siblings could have gone down and let her out 

There’s some irony in the fact that the Five’s spent all this time searching for a way to stop the apocalypse and the first person he told when returning way back in episode 1 was the person who causes it (of course at this point I’m also willing to make an argument that Luther was actually the one that caused it by acting like their awful father rather than just being there for his sister)

[bidotorg]

Musician, Scientist, and Activist. Meet Carlos Castaño.

My name is Carlos Castaño. I was born on April 16th, 1987 in Béjar, a small town near Salamanca (Spain). However, I’ve been living in Madrid for the last 12 years where I work as a Ph.D. scientist researching molecular biology. I love movies, books, nature, and music. I actually play the keyboard and sing in a rock band called Me Quito el Cráneo!

Turns out, I am also bisexual. This took me a lot of time to figure out and the bisexual group of COGAM (an LGBT association from Madrid) was very relevant in this process. Having a safe place where bi people could just be themselves showed me what bisexuality really was and allowed me to embrace my identity and live my life to its fullest. I started my bi activism in this group, which I am currently coordinating with other bi activists.

In time, I joined the bisexual area of FELGTB (Spanish LGBT Federation), which is one of Spain’s main LGBT organisations made of LGBT groups from all over Spain. Here, I was part of the group of bi activists coordinating FELGTB Bisexual Visibility Year in 2016, which increased bi visibility in Spain. This was the first time I came out as bisexual publicly (in national papers or TV news). It was very, very scary, but also, very rewarding in the end. At the moment I am part of the FELGTB main board, a team made of nine LGBT activists from different areas of Spain working to improve the life of LGBT people from Spain and the rest of the world.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?

I’ve been out for four years and a half.

The hardest person to tell was probably my mother, even though she and my father had raised me in an open-minded environment. At first, she did not understand what being bisexual was and she accepted me nonetheless. This acceptance increased when, bit by bit, I explained to her about bisexuality, bi-erasure, and so on. This made me so happy.

Who is your bi icon?

My bi icons are the Spanish bi activists that worked before me. They paved the way so my activism and my life would be much easier than it was for them. And of course, the bi activists that are currently working all over Spain to fight biphobia and increase bi visibility.

What is your greatest extravagance or indulgence?

I've got plenty of those but I would say that my greatest extravagance is that sometimes, when I am alone with my husband, we speak to each other using some sort of a made-up cat language (just using “meows”) and, oddly enough, we understand each other! It’s super weird!

As for my indulgence, I use to eat food that I like as a reward for the work that I do, so on Saturdays, after a looong week, I often eat a large dish of pasta with cheese and Lea & Perrins sauce using my mum’s recipe.

What do you like most about yourself?

I can multitask! I am a scientific researcher, a musician, a writer, and an activist. I think that’s cool… and a bit exhausting.

What was your last post on social media?

Two tweets saying how much I loved the movie Ralph Breaks the Internet and how I probably enjoyed it more than the kids that were watching it.

Where would you most like to live?

I love Madrid. I got everything I need in this city… although sometimes I miss the countryside where I grew up… but I can get to my hometown by car in less than three hours and enjoy nature.

Would you like to be famous? If so, for what?

My only ambition is to sleep eight hours a day, which I rarely do, even on weekends! I think being famous would demand less sleeping for me, so no thanks!

What do you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 18?

That studying a lot, getting a degree, a master and even a Ph.D. would not necessarily get me a good job. I would tell myself “stay away from science, lad!!!”.

What are you the most grateful for today?

My family, my friends, and my husband.

If you could change any one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?

I wouldn’t change that much. I was lucky enough that my parents always told me that I would be loved no matter who I loved. Of course, they never taught me that bisexuality was a thing, but then, they didn’t know!

If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or skill, what would you choose?

I would love to have the ability to sleep whenever I wanted, for the exact time that I wanted. That would be awesome.

What’s your fandom?

I love way too many fictional stories or characters that I find inspiring and have contributed to my view of the world. For example, I love Doctor Who because of the witty anti-violence and feminist stories, or the Final Fantasy videogame series as they have some of my favourite stories and characters, especially Yuna from Final Fantasy X.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

I don’t recall winning any trophies in my life, to be honest! Does a Ph.D. fellowship count as some kind of prize? If so, this definitely the prize I most covet!

What is something you remember fondly that someone who is now a baby will not grow up with or understand from personal experience?

Jokes from Monkey Island or The Simpsons that some younger people than me don’t understand. How can they communicate without using jokes from The Simpsons!?

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Courage, probably.

What stereotype about bi people annoys you the most in your own life?

I just hate the stereotype that says that bi men are actually gay men in denial, or that bi women are just straight women “playing." It is oftentimes used as a joke in a very harmful way because it shames people’s internalized biphobia or/and homophobia. When you think about it, it’s incredibly cruel.

Your house is on fire and all people and animals are already out and safe. You get a chance to run back in safely and save a single possession. What would it be?

Nah, I think that I would enjoy the company of the people and animals that are out and safe! It’s not like I don’t care for my possessions but, my favourite music I can find on Spotify, my favourite books are in my ebook (and could be retrieved if my device broke), most of the video games I own I have already finished so I wouldn’t need to buy them again. After moving a lot from house to house I’ve learned not to accumulate much, or I will suffer the consequences when I have to leave one house and move to the next. And it’s not like I (or most people my age) can afford a house in Madrid so…

Who’s your favorite bi character?

Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, living or from history, with whom would you want to sit down and have dinner?

I believe that we often have these fantasies of meeting some celebrity or person from history that we admire. However, I have the theory that these role models are idealized, so it is highly likely that we would be disappointed when finally meeting them. Therefore, I’d rather have dinner with someone I have already met and admire. My answer is definitely my late grandfather and grandmother.

What is the best thing about being bi?

Being bi is like being a double agent. You know that what most people think about dating men or women is wrong. For example, straight men that complain about how difficult is to communicate with the women they date don’t know that this also happens when men date men. Having dated men that see and treat you as an object helped me to understand painfully well everything that my female friends were complaining about all the time. It gives you a great gender perspective and an out-of-the-binary view of the world that I find very rewarding. Of course, being bi does not necessarily make me a better person but I feel that all that I have learned from my bisexuality may help make the world a better place.

*If you are interested in being featured as part of bi.org What Bi Looks Like series, please fill out the form here.

[carewyncromwell]

Oh boy, oh boy, not kidding, I thought about sending you this ask just because I wondered about it earlier today 😄

In all your AUs, the core characteristics of your characters generally stay the same and only change slightly due to circumstances.

What was the biggest change you put one of your characters (OC or not) through across all your AUs (not counting Flipped!AU cause that speaks for itself)? Which was your favourite and which did you find hardest? 💛💚

*considers this* Hmm...that's a very interesting question! Let's see here...

For both the biggest and hardest change, I gotta go with Lucius Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Lack of Lamb Sauce.

...Yes, really. 😂 For those of you who haven't read my way-too-long train-wreck, I set about taking on the challenge of giving the entire Malfoy family something of a redemption arc, including Lucius, who would easily be the biggest challenge to show a better side to, out of the three. The HP fandom is generally very on-board with forgiving Narcissa for all the stuff she was involved in, considering she ended up covering for Harry at a critical moment, and forgiving Draco for everything he did because HBP showed him in a pitiable light and J.K. said that he and his wife Astoria raised their son Scorpius better than how Draco himself was...but Lucius? Nope. No way. This is the guy that many fans claim abused Draco, using the films' interpretation of Lucius largely as evidence, since in the books, there really isn't any such cold, abusive undercurrent to Lucius's treatment of Draco. Lucius is often written as singularly bad in fanfiction in order to make Narcissa and Draco seem more sympathetic, and honestly, even if you don't write him that way, I still think Lucius in the books is an objectively terrible person. So trying to find a way to give Lucius any sympathetic depth that could potentially open him up to the slightest bit of positive change was a hurtle I wasn't sure if I could climb. In the end, I decided to break Lucius's character arc into several steps --

Put Lucius and his family in an objectively terrible position. Not only does Lucius nearly die completing a mission for Voldemort, but Voldemort refuses to help save his life, forcing Draco to seek help from someone who has no reason to help them; Lucius loses both of his arms and one of his legs through an incredibly painful process; and worst of all, Lucius has to pretend he's dead and go into hiding without his wife and son, just to keep them from being punished by Voldemort further.

Put Lucius out of his comfort zone. While in hiding from Voldemort, Lucius is forced to live in very modest living arrangements alongside two Muggle-born teenagers, an elderly witch whose daughter was married to a Muggle, and a Squib. This forces him to see those who he would've persecuted previously as individuals, capable of emotions just as valid as his own.

Give Lucius a relatable interest that has nothing to do with his identity as a Death Eater or even as a Malfoy. In this case, I chose choir music, which actually is my mother's greatest passion! Not only does it give us the chance to see Lucius loving something as opposed to hating it, which gives us a new angle to his characterization, but exploring why this interest is news to us (namely, Lucius decided not to pursue music as a career, so as to uphold the Malfoy name) gives his relationship to his family nuance. It also gives other characters a backdoor into his heart, by engaging with him through the things he enjoys.

Explain Lucius's misguided thought process, and then -- naturally -- challenge it. Clearly prejudice has no logic to it, but bigots do still try to find reasons to justify their belief systems and terrible behavior. In this case, Lucius grew up hating Muggles, and rather than seeing how his family's hatred of Muggles prompted his mother to write letters justifying her blood purist beliefs to relatives, which were understandably condemned when they were made public, Lucius solely sees the pain his mother felt at being rejected, rather than how justifiable the backlash to her was. He loved his mother and father, but that love blinds him to how wrong their beliefs were -- just as he was blind to how much him following in their footsteps and chasing glory and status for his family by terrorizing others was wrong. And through his interactions with his fellow tenants and the Muggle World, Lucius comes to see that there's value in the world he used to scorn and that the people he's met don't match the image he'd always had in his head of what "their kind" is like.

Have Lucius stumble a bit, but ultimately learn and grow. Even if in the end, Lucius doesn't exactly make up for everything he's ever done, and so there's still plenty of ground for his arc to cover after the story is over, we see that he's still a much better person than he was at the start, in how he's learned to treat people differently than him with respect and how he even feels the urge to introduce his "bunker family" to his wife and son.

It was a really fun challenge, and one of the things I'm proudest of about Lack of Lamb Sauce is that my mum -- who is as big of a Potterhead as I am and hated Lucius Malfoy more than anyone else in the books besides Umbridge -- said that he ended up being one of her absolute favorite characters in my fic when we read it together. 💜

Favorite changes-wise, I think I'll nominate Pirate!Jacob Cromwell and Merman!Duncan Ashe in the Pirates of the Caribbean AU. I just absolutely loved the dynamic these two ended up having, and it made me ship Jacob/Ashe (Jacashe?) even more than I did already!! 😂 It makes me all the more excited to do more with Duncan in the Tangled AU.

Fanfic Writer Friday!

[life-rewritten]

Spooky Season! A look into a Masterpiece (He’s Coming To Me Review)

I've been waiting to talk about this show and how my love for it will never end. Surprisingly the source of the show is GMMTV, whilst known for so many problematic elements in BL genre; He's coming to me manages to avoid every single issue naturally had with this genre. And because of that, this review is an ode to a masterpiece that should not be forgotten and should not be underrated. It's also Halloween, so this is another excuse to go back and look at the best things about this show. Hopefully, we get more like this GMMTV.

Ratings: Plot: 9/10 Directing: 9/10 Acting: 910 Satisfaction: 9/10 Overall: A* Rewatch factor: 8.5/10

AN IN-DEPTH REVIEW

Nothing wrong to say about this show. And that's a breath of fresh air; I remember first watching this show in 2019 very late because we had issues with the subtitles, and I went into it very sceptical and had low expectations. By the end of this show, I was so grateful and happy that this exists. 

The title of the show (He keeps coming to me) is what the heart of the show is about.  Thun, our main character who keeps going to Mes,  a ghost who he can see, his determination in keeping Mes by his side, to being his childhood acquaintance, to his best friend and finally to his lover, is felt and focused on when he has to brave the world and society norms, and some truths about himself.  Meanwhile, Mes has to discover his reason for being a ghost and unravel the mysteries tying him to his fate with Thun. So incredible to watch and see their love story unfold. 

Criticisms/ Comments

As I said, there are no negatives when it comes to this show.  All we could maybe mention is the slow pace from episode 1-3. But even at that, the relationship dynamics are shown genuinely because of the time it takes to develop the story.

This love story uses the trope friends to lovers which entails a soft cute and heartwarming bond between Mes and Thun since they first met each other. The two want to spend as much time with each other even though their worlds are different (spirit realm vs human realm). Thun is determined to have Mes keep coming to his side, learning about the lore and rules surrounding ghosts in our world; the use of incense, the way Mes starts of not being able to hold onto anything, the fact that Thun is the only person who sees Mes. He can't hide his feelings even when he's with his friends, he makes up excuses just to return home to spend time with Mes, and he makes it his mission to discover why Mes died, so Mes gets reincarnated. The slow pace might make people think the show is a bit boring, but it's just a way to introduce and show exposition to the other characters surrounding this world. If you rewatch the show, you also start to recognise foreshadowing symbolisms, devices and hints pointing to the final revelation about how Thun and Mes are tied together.

I also think some people struggled with as well the lack of 'skinship' from Thun and Mes, but this is a device used to emphasise one of the obstacles of our couple;  the lack of touch ( because Mes struggles to learn the rules of how to hold objects or touch Thun). We the audience try to uncover the reasons for why sometimes they're able to feel each other by mistake and Mes starts to work hard to hold objects and cook, and turn on the incense which keeps him tied to the environment it's in. I didn't have an issue with the skinship because the actors were phenomenal at showing little subtle hints to feelings on their faces of longing, want and love. The scenes where skinship was required wasn't stiff or awkward or weird like other shows of this genre make you feel about them. It felt natural,  a tad unrealistic (in terms of the way their heads tilted and the camera spun) but so what?  The show wasn't meant to focus on that; it focused on the bond and love between the two, they just enjoyed talking and spending quality time being domestic with each other, and that's adorable. Alright, let's look at the positives:

Character Breakdown and Plot Meaning

The characterisation of HCTM is so excellent; it still shocks me how much I didn't expect it to be this way. All our characters are critical to the plot, even when they're just side characters with no deep story arcs to themselves. Thun and Mes interact with people who are part of their path in recognising what they are to each other. Before I praise the characterisation of the two, let's focus on some other characters who were so good in this show:

Thun's best friends: Prince, Plufai and Khiem

These were a phenomenal group of friends who were so caring and patient and genuinely the heartwarming part of this series as well. I enjoyed watching how much they went out of their way to ensure that Thun was okay, even when they didn't understand why he was the way he was and also felt frightened by some of his actions (talking to himself randomly, and acting out). One of my fave story arcs during the season is when Khiem (Played amazingly by Sing) thinks Thun is taking drugs and so starts a secret series of investigations keeping an eye on his actions. It wasn't because they were judging him but because they were worried about his wellbeing.  

Also, my heart melted for Prince (Played by another excellent favourite Chimon),  who had unrequited feelings for Plufai and struggled to deal with her feelings for Thun and his own seemingly cold/nonchalant/evasive actions concerning her. It's the way he wasn't toxic or problematic and also was willing to step down if Thun did have feelings for Plufai. I also really enjoyed watching his relationship with her develop and the natural chemistry between the two.

Lastly, PluFai first starts as every female character from a GMMTV show, a competition, someone there to be a beard to the main character. Still, I enjoyed her heart. I also loved her being the mirror character to Thun's mum when it came to her relationship with Mes in the past. Both women show strength and understanding and acceptance once they discover the sexuality of the person who they had feelings for. And I thought her way of dealing with it, their friendship being robust and full of communication was really what sold it for me. There were moments when I was frightened about her connection to the mystery of Mes's death, and it broke my heart when she realised what she was to him and what it meant for her grandfather. I also enjoyed the way she takes it on her self to make it up to him and how forgiving she is to her grandfather despite the fact I didn't think he should be. She showed strength, understanding and warmth and kept being that way and also consistent.  And I love that because she wasn't problematic female stereotypes that GMMTV loves to add to women, she stayed great and true throughout the show. And I loved it.

Thun's Family: Mum and Dad

Honestly, the way the writing of these characters was what made me love this show the most. Thun's dad shows up only in episode 1 before he dies surprisingly and Mes sees his ghost disappear. I thought that's all we needed to know of him. Still, we really get to learn more about Thun's family dynamics; there are answers to why his mum didn't join them during the grave excursions, why she was absent during those years he meets Mes, his father's knowing and understanding gaze as Thun cries about not being able to see him and also how he's hidden the fact he sees ghosts. We get information as well about the relationship with him and the mum after Mes broke up with her.

Next, we have Thun's mum, her first appearance is warm and pleasant. Still, we won't be able to fathom that she's wearing the watch that Mes has been drawing all this time, she's the girl who provided Mes with the same gift he created for Thun, she's already been close with someone who came out and so she was a source of strength for Thun when he struggled with accepting his sexuality. That coming out scene is so incredible and has made this show a fantastic piece of media for representation for LGBT. I loved her relationship with Mes, despite it being an obstacle to our couple at first, she's so understanding of him, and she's so grateful he returned and is the person her son loves. But also it's the plot twist that Thun sees ghosts because she too can, and she was hiding that as a secret until she meets Mes. It made it better, a relief to know that he's not alone and there is a reason for why he's able to see them. It also made the relationship with our couple easier because she understood and saw Mes, so Thun and Mes's relationship was more readily accepted.

He's coming to me brought these characters and connected it to its world-building, rules and understanding of its supernatural themes whilst still providing consistent dynamics about friendship and family and life in general. Not only is it a BL show, but it had other focuses as well rounding it up and making it much more wholesome and needed. The characters held no toxic tropes commonly also found in BL, the relationships felt real and authentic, and each of the characters had development and growth that tied them together to the plot overall. Now onto the heart of this show: My all-time faves Thun and Mes

Thun

One of my favourite characters, honestly rewatching this show was so incredible, especially when I started to notice more about this character after all the revelations revealed throughout the show. I went into the show surprised at how open Thun was to Mes already, the way he cared and wanted what was the best for Mes who has always been alone and neglected. Even when older Thun shows up and still shows the same amount of care even though he dislikes the fact that he could see ghosts, he's so warm and protective over Mes, and it made me swoon and smile. I enjoyed watching him come to terms with who he was.

At first, we don't see any hints that this is something the story will focus on.  But as we go deeper into his university life and his reason for why he studied law etc. It becomes evident that Thun knows he's gay but is struggling with internalised homophobia, it's also pretty clear he's had feelings from the beginning for Mes. He even knew when Mes started having feelings for him too.

They just didn't want to confront what it meant. Ohm Pawat's acting is so incredible you can see the subtle changes in Thun, and meanings with his actions with Mes that they both have requited feelings for each other but they don't want to cross the line. Thun has memorable speeches during the show as well about his struggle with his sexuality and how people perceive him. It's incredible how the show mirrors his on the surface secret about seeing ghosts and being seen as abnormal to the world to his internal/ more profound secret about his sexuality and also feeling abnormal. It's so telling that once Mes enters his life, he no longer feels it a struggle to embrace who he is, he uncontrollably speaks to Mes and laughs and stares romantically whilst hanging around his friends, he can't help but run to him when he needs him. Especially during the rooftop scene, the fear of losing Mes causes him not to care what others think, and he proceeds to call for him and confess his feelings and stay out in the rain waiting for him. He also proceeds to accept his sexuality even more, once Mes enters his life, he kisses Plufai to determine what he truly feels and once that occurs he decides to head straight and try to talk to Mes about it, thereby afterwards always making Mes know what he is to him is more than friends. I can talk a lot about his character and how much I enjoyed his development and how he chose to finally trust the people around him and also his determination to keep Mes by his side.  Which we, later on, find out is also the reason for why they could touch and feel each other. The show emphasises that it's about his determination, his perseverance and love for Mes that keeps the latter coming to him. And towards the end, his wish comes true, and Mes returns to his side because of that. Awesome and beautifully written.  

Mes

Singto has been an unstoppable force in GMMTV as an actor, and Mes is another character that is just as memorable and great as the others. While Thun's characterisation surrounds his will and determination to keep Mes by his side, Mes's surrounds his warmth and caring aura. I love. love realising that both Mes and Thun mirrored each other when struggling with their sexuality, both had girls who were loyal and great to them, but they couldn't hide who they were anymore.

The show emphasises the importance of this,  telling the audience that yes they're gay, this is a show about two gay boys falling in love, and this is also about how they accept who they are whilst dealing with the obstacles that are supposed to separate them.

Mes is so soft, he's this adorable, mischievous (with personality), ball of fluff and I enjoyed his character. He wasn't written as a stagnant and a boring character; he had his own goals, his own self-exploration, his own storyline and mystery to be solved. And the way the show told his story, was fantastic, the way they mixed the supernatural elements of Mes and the mystery of his death back to Thun was so great. Mes and Thun were always destined to find each other; they were on the path to each other though one of it included him being murdered by his relative, every character is connected together to help get these two together at the end. I love how the show makes us feel like Mes has an unrequited love for Thun at first.

We see Singto's acting to the finest, the longing, the jealousy and the worry about their new blooming relationship. He also shows guilt and character depth when he realises that Kwan is Thun's mother. The pacing and directing keep us in the dark for why he's gone for so long and ran away after their first kiss. We later get the truth revealed as Thun comes out to his mum, and it's such a brilliant way to get the audience even more heartbroken about the reveal. Due to dramatic irony. The mum is the reason for why Thun can happily accept Mes as his lover in his life yet is also an obstacle because Mes can't get over what he did to her in the past. It's brilliant, and such a great way to write the story.

I am so happy as well that Mes returns to Thun's side. I cried like a baby watching their week together, knowing that the time to say goodbye was coming closer. Their conversation about everything and their uncontrollable feelings was so meaningful and heartbreaking; their confession about how they've loved each other from the start; how they've known how the latter felt but refused to accept it because of all the obstacles in their way. Mes still unsure but deciding to spend the last moments together as much as possible. And their relief in discovering that they can touch each other, and the reason for why. These two's love was so beautiful to see.

Lastly, I enjoyed the fact that this is a happy ending. With this genre when surrounding these topics death, separation etc. You expect sad endings mostly because that's the way directors like to end LGBT shows for a long time (something I absolutely detest), from episode 1, the show actually foreshadowed the ending, and comes through with it, I cried so much when I realised that it was not yet Mes's time to go all because of the reasons stated in episode 1. I also cried because GMMTV directors let a great representation show have a hopeful, romantic ending, and a show for many people to relate to, but also to run to and forget about reality.

 That's why this show is a masterpiece. I didn't even go into the devices and symbols used in this show, but there was a lot of meta, foreshadowing, dramatic irony etc. That also made this show brilliant. The directing and production quality is also fantastic and deserves praise. The actors; all of them were incredible. I just want another show like this please GMMTV?

[filmmakerdreamst]

‘Boy Meets World’ Re-watch (as an Adult)

‘Girl Meets World’ doesn’t count as a sequel. Not because of the writing/tonal choices but because in the original show - despite continuity issues - the characters felt like real people e.g. the way they spoke/acted/dressed was the way people behaved in the 90s where as in the spin off, they were Disney characters e.g. hyper versions of themselves especially Cory and Eric. And the transition between both shows didn’t come naturally. It’s not an objectivity badly written show but it was pretty much a re-do of the old show with the same storylines/tropes without continuing the story. (I say the same thing about ‘The Incredibles’. vs ‘Incredibles 2’.) Also there were too many cooks in the kitchen pushing one way or another. You could see Micheal Jacobs style, all the aspects were there, but he was also creating a ‘DISNEY’ show at the same time. I don’t know about you but the one message I took from the original show was ‘finding out that life cannot be packenged into a lovely little present ’ which kind of contradicts everything that the new show is. If anything GMW is an AU universe (and it really felt like that, rewatching it right after BMW e.g. it felt flipped) almost like Disney’s version of ‘what happened next?’ The primal difference between both shows is BMW is portraying what is real and GMW is based on what is real.

Going off my point, I will however be always thankful that it exists because I probably wouldn’t of found out about ‘Boy Meets World’ otherwise. Although saying that, I never thought that the original show needed a continuation of any kind (a lot of things make sense about the spin off if you acknowledge that Disney requested it - I think it would of been much better off on its original platform) ‘Boy Meets World’ was very much a product of its time i.e. when tv shows were still relevetivley new and had no rules - like there is stuff in there that not even adult shows today have. Plus there was something about it that felt very personal (such as the characters and setting) as if the creator based it on his own childhood growing up and I think that was part of its charm and why it had such a big effect on pop culture - I’m not so sure you can repeat that.

BMW is big on meta I’ll tell you that. I love how it’s so aware of itself. The amount of depth that it has never ceases to amaze me. It’s whole universe is so dense and huge. Every quote/storyline is so unique it sticks in your brain forever. (I swear the humour got more and more deranged every season). The show was also incredibly queer and progressive.  It didn’t give a crap about sexuality. Much more than I remember. Proof to never use ‘but it was made in the 90s’ excuse.        

I loved how the show kept reinventing itself every season as Cory grew up so you really felt you were growing up with him and all the characters. The Character Development on this show was so natural/authentic. Every single character got a chance to shine. No one changed their look in one episode and no one had an intervention every time someone had an identity crisis (GMW) My favourite development was Shawn Hunter. He went from a cool kid to a ladies man to a poetic soul. It was so satisfying to watch.

I realised that Cory Matthews is actually my favourite character (before it was Eric or Shawn) I already have a special soft spot for ‘annoying’ characters because they tend to be the most memorable/real. For example, Karma Ashcroft from ‘Faking it’ was my babe while everyone was hating on her. I really related to his anxiety/self hatred about being average and I loved that he constantly made mistakes. It was very refreshing. He’s also incredibly queer-coded. I found that alot of his mannerisms make sense if you see him with extreme compulsory heterosexuality (because identity’s such as bisexual or gay couldn’t exist normally in the 90s) There are moments in the show where he literally mimics his best friend’s behaviour around girls e.g. when the class pretty much gets brainwashed by the sex ed video in ‘Boy Meets Girl’ Shawn gets asked out by a girl, making Cory jealous - which pushes him to ask out Topanga.

It’s funny how a few years of life experience can change perspectives completely because when I was sixteen (aka the same age as Cory and Topanga) watching BMW for the first time, I was mad at Amy for ‘not understanding that they were in love’ (in ‘A Walk to Pittsburg’) but now that I’m older I’m actually agreeing with her. Yeah, what do they know about love? Because all season long they were acting quite superficially.

Cory and Topanga became somewhat of a toxic couple in seasons 5 -7. Reminded me of my parents relationship because my mum gave up her chosen university to be closer to my dad and they aren’t together any more. Topanga’s love for Cory was very conditional and Cory cheated on her multiple times/openly begged for sex  (Again like my parents) And you should never be in a relationship with someone who makes you say “You make me think not so very much of myself” There are arguably much more signs of emotional abuse than love in their relationship especially from Topanga’s side. Plus their story was altered so many times to give it more basis (they retconned Shawn and Cory’s friendship to do this) I could write an essay on how Kevin and Winnie’s love story on ‘The Wonder Years’ is much more believable because it actually addresses how toxic it was and they grow apart in the end. If GMW was a realistic continuation, they would be divorced with a little girl - leave them in the 90s where they belong.

Alan and Amy were couple goals! Cory and Topanga wish that they could have what they have. Literally the definition of ‘a healthy relationship on tv that keeps thriving and over coming obstacles without big drama’. Best TV parents ever.

I loved the Matthews family; how they all had individual arcs and developments of their own. One of my favourite arcs was in season 5, when Eric and Cory were both jealous of what they ‘didn’t have’ with their dad, so Alan made an effort to give them both that they needed. Honestly, I had never seen so much healthy communication on TV before. Alan is the best father around. His whole personal arc of giving up managing a supermarket because he wasn’t passsionate about it anymore and buying a mountain store was so inspired. I found it funny that the family had more of a relationship with Shawn than Topanga.

Shawn Hunter never caught a break. It got a bit tiring. He was never allowed to be happy for five minutes. Every time he laughed or smiled, 5 years were added onto my lifespan. Why didn’t Johnathan Turner adopt him? I loved their dynamic. Why did he let him go back to his abusive father who just dumped him anyway?

Jack and Shawn’s complicated dynamic was possibly the most unique/interesting arc of the entire show and no one talks about it. I don’t care what y’all say - despite them being very different, Jack was the only one who fully took care of Shawn without second thoughts (Turner and the Matthews family had doubts)

I liked Shawn and Angela. I thought they were much better suited than Cory and Topanga. I honestly wouldn’t of minded if they ended up together even though I always had a feeling they wouldn’t. (Like I’m glad she went with her dad in the end) And considering how important they were as a interracial couple in the 90s, GMW handled that very poorly.

Shawn and Cory should of ended up together. And before you come at me with ‘it’s important to have m/m friendships without toxic masculinity’ (which is an important arguement to have) - yeah no shit there’s an entire Industry based around that/pitting women against each other. While it is important to have those friendships between men that are close and even intimate (take Chandler and Joey, Schmidt and Nick, Isak and Jonas and Jake and Charles for example) there was also another layer to their relationship which the narrative played off sometimes as them “going out” or “in love”.  I actually recently found out that a writer - who came into the show in season 3 - confirmed that she wrote gay undertones into their relationship on purpose ‘In my opinion as a writer, they thought they were “straight”, they both didn’t realise or understand their feelings for eachother’ but couldn’t deliever because the producers wanted to keep the show “kid friendly”. Kind of like Xena and Gabby. I know people prefer Jack & Eric (I love them as well) but everything got ruined for me as soon as they introduced the ‘love triangle’ and I always tend to prefer emotional tension over sexual. They were just so unconditional with each other/ their friendship was so good and healthy and now I’m so bitter that it never happened.

I never understood why Shawn and Cory had to stop being best friends after he got married. He’s not Topanga’s property. I always hated how Topanga tried to interrupt/interfere with their dynamic — although now I realise it was because the two of them purposely left her out. Looking back at it, If it really was just a intimate friendship then why would she get so easily jealous if she didn’t sense there was something else deeper going on? You should never marry someone who puts you second.

I didn’t like Topanga when she was with Cory (or vice versa) Especially after they got married. She was a great character on her own. Feminist before her time. Hermione Granger before her time. I always felt she deserved a lot better than him in a way e.g. if someone I considered a friend speard a rumour around high school that we slept together - I would never speak to that person again. SHE SHOULD OF GONE TO YALE GOD DAMN IT. And as someone pointed out the other day, if the roles were reversed some of the stuff she does or says to Cory would be considered domestic violence. ‘She’s always blaming Cory on shit that isn't even his fault or makes him feel bad or shuts down his emotions and turns it around so he's comforting her instead.’ There was even a moment in GMW (not that I consider that show a continuation) where she locks him out the house for a few days after he insulted her chicken, and his son Auggie had to bring him spaghetti. If Cory was a woman, that would not be played off as a joke - that would be considered abuse. They were however a better couple in GMW ironically.

Angela Moore is now one of my favourite characters on BMW. She was beautiful. Her friendship with Rachel (and Topanga) was the best. And I frickin’ loved her and Cory’s friendship development - when they could of easily not played into that. I hate that she got villiaized in GMW.

My favourite seasons are 4, 5 & 1. My least favourites are 3 & 2 & 7. And even then the show was still pretty darn good.

The back and fourth clash between Turner and Mr Feeny in season 2 was very entertaining.

Mr Feeny and Eric are my favourite relationship on ‘Boy Meets World’. I love how Eric was the only person that Feeny directly told that he loved him. Also, why didn’t Eric become the new Mr Feeny? He showed more traits of becoming a teacher in the show than Cory did.

Eric and Tommy was probably the most heartbreaking plot line in season 6. (That season was an emotional train wreck) I cried for a fourth time. The world doesn’t deserve him.

I loved the development of Shawn and Topanga’s friendship. Even though there was a silent competition over Cory, they eventually became good friends. I found out that the song ‘She will be loved’ was inspired by them which is awesome but it’s also proof that people ship for less if it’s an m/f dynamic - just sayin’. I however see a more convincing potiental romance with the two of them than Cory and Topanga sometimes.

On Cory and Topanga again - they weren’t a bad couple overall. I liked them in s1 - 3. They had some great moments. But upon my rewatch (getting out of that 90s idealised headspace) I found them to be too similar at times - chafing as another person put it - to the point where they cancel each other out. A lot of people pointed out that Riley and Maya paralleled them and I was thinking “That’s not nesserily a good thing.”

‘Dream. Try. Do good.’ is on my mantelpiece.

[notasdriedapricots]

Also kitchen and bathroom for Lucas too x I’m spamming slightly, hopefully that’s fine x

It’s more than fine! I love these! So thank you, Iris! (Part 3) 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 (The hearts double each time lol)

Kitchen:

What is the character’s favorite food?

Ok, these are very weird, but hear me out. He loves his mum’s cooking. I know, I know, he’s family-issues-boy, but listen, the woman can cook. She’s lived all over the world, has had access to every ingredient possible, and a lot of free time; the mixture of flavours is unique, and it’s objectively amazingly good. Braised pork with dark beer is a classic she does just how he likes it since forever. And in my HC he has his differences with her but he does love her, and she certainly loves him, so that.

He will, however, say he doesn’t have a specific favourite dish. He never asks for the same thing twice in a restaurant; to him, if the place’s good enough, everything in the menu should be good enough to try. That’s the fun for him.

Are they good at cooking? How good/bad?

He’s decent, even almost good... with a recipe he can follow to a tee. Can’t improvise for shit, but at least he knows it. Would totally learn more if he had the time and patience.

Do they leave the dishes out?

Not a chance. He’ll mop the floor too if he has the time.

What kind of food is in their refrigerator?

Not a lot. Usually, he decides what he’ll have for dinner when he get off from work and buys what he’ll need on his way home, so typically there’s not much left to leave in the fridge. Other than that, the bare minimum.

Do they cook, eat out or get take-away/delivered food more?

Another piece of canon I agree, is that he loves finding new restaurants. 

During the week, he eats at the clinic. He found a place that makes daily healty meals to go and usually has that. For dinner, he’ll sometimes just get take-away if he’s too tired, but he prefers not to.

If it’s date night, no one cooks (unless the cooking is in itself a gesture from one of them); it’s either a nice restaurant or take-out with a movie on the couch.

Bathroom:

How does the character prepare in the morning?

One alarm and he’s pretty much up. He will take a very quick shower and have a light breakfast (coffee and some toast, maybe some eggs, but not much more). He checked the weather and decided what he’s wearing the night before. Not grumpy at all, but will respect if the other person is.

Do they sing in the shower?

No, but he will hum is he’s happy ♥

What kind of hair product/make-up do they use?

See, here’s another general consensus I don’t really agree with. I don’t think he has a million products. I HC him as a very practical person, so I think he has only one or maybe two products that are very expensive but do all the job. Same with skin care, I don’t see him with a bunch of serums and tools and things, just a good cleanser and an expensive cream custom made by a dermatologist and that’s all.

How clean is this character?

Very clean, very meticulous so that he looks impecable.

Does the character have thousands of shampoo/shower gel bottles by the shower, or do they use only the bare essentials?

This is kinda the same as I said earlier. To compare him to Liz, though, he does immediately throw away everything he doesn’t use, because he knows he won’t use it and doesn’t dwell on “but mybe I’ll need it”s.

Send me a character and a room and I’ll tell you my HC for them!

[airesgay]

singing in the dead of night

1. to build a home

relationship: jennifer jareau/emily prentiss

words: 4,609

summary: A collection of song fics for Emily and JJ, although heavily focused on Emily. 

chapter summary: Based on the song To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra. Set during season 3, episode 4: Children of the dark.

read on ao3

This is a place where I don’t feel alone; this is a place where I feel at home

Emily had never really felt like she’d had a home. And yes she knew how, not only pathetic, but cliché that sounded. Poor little ambassador’s daughter, getting everything she wanted, except the love of a family.

Growing up was a tumultuous event. From D.C to Europe to the Middle East, she’d never had a chance to fix herself to solid ground. She’d thought for a brief moment that Rome might become a home for her, but that wish was quickly snatched away; there were memories there now she wasn’t sure she’d ever get away from.

By the time she got to university, finally escaping her mother for a life of her own, in one solid place, she thought surely this had to be it. But alas she found her days of higher education passing by in almost an instant, with nothing much to show for them except the fancy diplomas and a Yale sweatshirt.

Taking the job at Interpol was her way of giving up any chance of having a home. May as well travel the world and take the most dangerous missions when there are agents who actually have people who’d miss them - was her thinking. Which had led her to the life she’d had in France. Ironically, on the outside it seemed the most domestic and grounded. Of course it was the one that plagued her nightmares the most. That in particular felt like a sick cosmic joke.

She’d been with this new team now for around a year. There’d been moments over that time where she’d found herself thinking overly sentimental thoughts; ones like, maybe I’ve found my place, maybe I’ve found my people. She’d shot those thoughts down quicker than she could pull a trigger.

These moments always caught her off guard, despite their increasingly frequent nature: a few weeks in when they went out for drinks to that bar and it was all abnormally social and fun, or a few months later when the oldest of the team set up an old movie projector in his office, and they all tumbled in, throwing popcorn and giggling like school children. Or when she was asked to her first girls’ night at Penelope Garcia’s humble abode to get blackout drunk on margaritas (that was the intention anyway, but it was still too early for Emily to let down her guard like that, lest she let slip all her deep, dark secrets).

Even the seemingly small moment when none other than Derek Morgan had revealed himself a lover of one of her favourite novels. Of course that had occurred just seconds after she declared herself not wanting to get too personal with these people she didn’t yet know: another cosmic joke. Or maybe, just maybe, the universe was really trying to tell her something?

She tried not to let herself get carried away. In fact, it was against her nature and her defence mechanism automatically kicked in, reminding her of how nothing lasts, everybody leaves, you’re not worth this kind of love.

But then this case landed on her desk. And she lost herself for a moment.

She’d never seen herself as a mother. That had been clear even before Rome. She wasn’t quite sure the reason. In her preteen years it had just been something she never thought about – which was normal to her, she was twelve, as she’d communicate to any group of girls she ended up getting into this conversation with.

Why was how big a house you’d have, and how many kids you wanted and what kind of man you’d marry things twelve-year-old girls were so concerned about? Of course she knew those last two points went hand in hand. That was what she’d thought at the time anyway. And she already knew deep down that because of her lack of interest in the former, the latter would never be an option for her.

Rome had been a whirlwind of a mistake, tangled up in loneliness and self hate. She already knew who she was. She thought she’d always known really. But she’d found herself in a place where she thought she could finally make real friends. And one of them just happened to be someone who wanted her. Was she really in the position to ruin that, to lose her place in this group she’d become a part of? They were already friends. Maybe she could be different. It would certainly make things easier if it worked out.

And so she’d made a terrible mistake, she knew that immediately. Then again, could she call it a mistake when it truly clarified her identity? This was something she told herself to try to ease the pain of it all. Whether she wanted kids, in any capacity, she wasn’t sure. But she knew that she didn’t want them in that way, and certainty not at that time.

She was always career driven, desperate to prove herself. Career women didn’t want kids, right? She sometimes wondered why her own mother had had any -which she knew a therapist would dive right into. Was that the reason? Did she just not want that for her life? Whenever asked she gave the same response, even to this day: It was just something she didn’t think about – something people (her mother) couldn’t accept. How can it be something you just don’t think about? Especially at her age – was heavily implied.

But then here she was, offering to adopt a child she’d just met. She’d always been a protector, sometimes to a fault. Was this a newfound motherly instinct, a desperate need for a family and to have someone that wouldn’t leave her? Or simply her protector role gone rogue? Once again, she didn’t like to think about it.

* * *

It had started out like any other case really: gruesome photos, a slew of murdered families, a mid to late twenties, white male unsub just asking to be psychoanalysed. When they profiled the victims to be middle class, happy suburban families – PTA mums and flannel-wearing dads – Emily couldn’t help but think how her own family would be the last on the hit list.

The first moment anything out of the ordinary occurred was when JJ came into the precinct to report that there’d been another attack, and that an ambulance was on its way.

“Ambulance?” she asked, surprise evident.

“There’s a survivor?” came Hotch’s follow up question.

A weak nod from JJ was their confirmation.

Emily immediately offered to join JJ at the hospital. It was like an instinct.

As they followed the doctor down the corridor, he explained how she was lucky to be alive. Emily responded with the same line of thought she’d had on the way there, that “this guy doesn’t miss.” Which begged the question of just how this girl had survived. When he informed them of how she was still drowsy and confused from the drugs, Emily admitted that, given what had happened, it was probably best.

Emily started by going through the motions, following protocol of questioning the witness on the events and asking for any descriptions of the unsubs. By this point it was such a natural routine for her. She’d learned how to distance herself from the emotion of it all. She was able to do this by reminding herself of the job she had to do, and how them catching the suspect and preventing more suffering relied on her detaching herself, keeping a clear head.

JJ was sat next to the girl’s bed, closer and blatantly more maternal. This was usually the role she adopted. She was there to offer support, Emily to get information. It was only when the girl mentioned her dad that she felt her face fall, and the weight of what had happened to this girl, how her whole world had ended, fell on her shoulders. She couldn’t help the near look of horror that crossed her face when she croaked out “they made us watch.”

JJ cut in to tell her they could take a break, but the girl refused, tears in her eyes but insisting that they needed this information. As she continued to force her way through the events, Emily followed suit and switched her brain back into focus. She needed to catch whoever had done this.

* * *

A somehow off colour of coffee dripped into a polystyrene cup, agonisingly slowly. Emily watched each drip, trying to slow her heart to the same pace. She was trying to clear her mind at the same time, to slow the racing thoughts that were getting her nowhere in this case. She needed to be objective or she was never going to catch them.

“Damn, I was gonna ask for one too but looks like we’ll be here ‘till Friday.”

Emily jumped, uncharacteristically caught off guard. JJ noticed and eyed her carefully.

“Uh, yeah,” Emily cleared her throat as she tried to gain what little composure she had left.

JJ gave her a comforting smile and Emily felt herself relax just a little.

“Suppose it’s kind of nice to have a break. This one’s…”

She didn’t need to finish her sentence. Emily was just glad she wasn’t alone. Hell, JJ seemed to be coping better than her. In that case, she was thankful the blonde was empathising.

“You think you’ve found a new lead?” JJ asked tentatively, not sure if keeping her mind occupied was how Emily wanted to cope.

Emily sighed long and low. “Maybe, I’m just trying to look at it from all angles.”

JJ nodded in understanding. Then she took a step forward to join Emily beside the beat up coffee machine. She watched the viscous liquid drip into the cup, which seemed to be getting even slower.

“Well looks like you’ve got some time.”

Emily looked to her and was met with another smile, one full of compassion. They didn’t say anything else, just stayed there until both their cups were full. Emily wondered if this was what people meant by a comfortable silence.

* * *

Spencer suggested they release news of her survival to draw the unsub out, but Emily flinched at the mere thought. Hotch noticed and asked her if she wasn’t comfortable with that.

She hesitantly agreed. “Okay, but I would be more comfortable if we doubled her security.”

She was back at the hospital when JJ came to meet her in the corridor. She informed her that the girl had been cleared to go.

“Well I wish she had somewhere to go,” JJ admitted despondently.

Emily sighed in frustration. “No luck with the LA thing? Can’t this girl catch a break?”

They started down the corridor together, Emily not knowing what to tell this girl. It was in that moment that a deafening scream sounded, and her and JJ shared one quick look before breaking out into a run.

JJ reached her first, holding her shoulders and telling her that it was okay. Emily hovered, watching in fear as the girl explained the nightmare she’d had, and JJ pulled her into her chest. She was so glad JJ was there.

“We brought you a change of clothes,” Emily offered meekly, as if that would help.

The girl gave a distracted nod. JJ caught her attention again.

“I didn’t know what to grab you, so I just got three of everything,” she said with a smile. Emily was in awe of this woman, and again thanked god she was here.

The girl seemed to smile for a moment before saying “from the house?” - a snap back to reality. Even JJ struggled to maintain her smile then. Emily looked behind her towards the collection of flowers decorating the back wall.

“Looks like a flower shop in here,” she observed, trying to grasp a somewhat upbeat tone. It was silly really. But then something clicked, and she was back into detective mode. Thank Christ.

* * *

Then came the moment they needed the girl’s assistance to help solve the case. And she hated it. God did she hate it.

“Is she going to be up for it?” Hotch asked. Even he was having his doubts.

“I don’t know,” was Emily’s reply as she rushed to meet the girl in question, who’d just walked into the precinct.

She stood with her while she picked out mug shots, so close; almost as if she was worried she’d fall down and was getting ready to catch her. She couldn’t remember her voice sounding smaller than when she asked, “Are you sure?”

The girl really did look like she was going to faint then. When she didn’t say anything else, Emily tried to think of something comforting.

“Your parents would be really proud of you,” she offered with a smile, placing an arm on her back. It was such an unexpected move for her, but it felt right.

“It’s too late to be a good daughter now,” was the flat response she got.

“Oh that’s not true,” she insisted.

But she wouldn’t hear it. “I was horrible to them and now they’re gone.”

Emily was sure this might have been a sign from the universe: call your emotionally distant mother! Tell her you love her! But all she felt was pain for this girl in front of her. And that she deserved better. Then again, maybe this was just projecting onto her own wishes for herself.

But then the girl spoke again, and she was saved from that particular line of thought.

“Why did they do it? I mean there has to be a reason right?”

Emily’s face grew soft yet again. “Oh you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the reason.”

“I go crazy every time I close my eyes.”

Emily knew she shouldn’t elaborate, but she found herself doing so anyway; like she’d try to help this girl process in any way she knew how.

“It may have something to do with what happened to them when they were younger.”

She felt JJ watching them across the room.

“Like what, they were abused or something?” the girl asked.

“There’s a good chance,” Emily admitted.

“Are there any happy families?”

She finally looked up at Emily, who felt her mouth fall open, searching for the right response. This girl really wasn’t asking the right person. All she could do was offer a sympathetic look. She almost felt like calling JJ to take over.

* * *

Emily and Hotch went to the animal shelter where the unsub worked, then his foster mother’s house. She felt an immediate sense of unease as they stepped inside. It spiked when a boy came in wanting milk but was swiftly banished. She forced a thank you as they left. Their priority right now was to catch the unsub. Which they soon did - one of them anyway. However, they were getting nowhere with the interrogation.

Emily watched from the other side of the glass and sighed, almost in defeat.

“Kids who grew up like he did, they’re incapable of forming attachments, it’s not like we’re going to earn his trust.”

She felt a knot in her stomach as she said the words. It tightened when she had her next thought.

“Maybe he’ll talk to family.”

She had hated asking Carrie to identify the unsub’s picture; this was on a whole other level. As they led the girl into the interrogation room, Emily emphasised how safe she would be, that she would be right there with her. And then there was JJ, saying how she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to. But as Emily expected, she insisted.

Hotch ran off a list of information they were looking for, which Emily could tell was overwhelming her.

“I’ll keep him on point about that. Just do your best to keep him engaged,” Emily encouraged.

Hotch led her away and JJ reached out for Emily’s arm.

“Okay, I’m sorry, can we just stop and think about this for a minute?”

Almost instinctively, Emily felt her own hand reach out towards the other woman’s elbow - like magnets.

“She’ll be okay,” she promised, voice soft.

“She’s a kid,” was JJ’s reply, a disbelieving smile on her face. “What is she trying to prove here?”

Emily’s face fell. “That she can be a good daughter.” She said the last word almost bitterly.

JJ’s expression of frustration shifted to one of intrigue, maybe even concern. She could tell the statement held more of a story than Emily was willing to let on in that moment. She could only hope that one day she’d feel comfortable enough to open up to her - to any of them.

As Emily led Carrie into the room, and the unsub greeted her joyously, the girl looked to her for guidance. Emily gave her a small nod of encouragement and they both sat down. God she hoped she wasn’t making a mistake. It was hard enough for her, with years of training and experience, to treat these people like they were just that – people. Asking an innocent girl who’s family had just been wiped out by the very one sitting in front of them? God she hoped this worked.

She felt her heart stop when Carrie reached across the table for his hand. This girl was so strong. She knew that was a cliché and so much more than anyone should ask of someone else. But she was. And they managed to find out the location of the second unsub because of it.

Once she snatched her hand back and he was escorted out of the room, she fell into Emily’s shoulder, finally breaking down. Emily brought her arms around her and whispered soothing words: “you did so good.” Had she done the same though? Even though it had the desired outcome, she still found herself hoping that it was the right thing to do.

* * *

They narrowly avoided a shootout at the doughnut shop – not something Emily expected to find herself thankful for today – and she was smiling down at the two kids in the back of the car who they’d saved. She overheard Derek on the phone, asking if there was some type of alternative for them.

“What is it?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

Derek was stone faced. “Social services won’t intervene until they do a full investigation.”

“We have to take them home?” she felt sick even saying the words.

“Yeah.”

When they arrived back at the house, Emily helping the girl with her backpack, she saw Derek offering his card to the boy, telling him he could call him anytime. Derek, like JJ, was made for this - helping kids. She merely offered her own nod of support as she joined them. Seeing the kid upstairs staring out the window despondently, she sighed, “this sucks,” which was a massive overstatement.

The call from Hotch came too late.

Gunfire sounded from the house and Emily and Derek shot out of the car in a flash. Derek smashed the door in to reveal the foster mother lying on the floor, Tyler standing a few feet away, gun grasped in his hands.

“Are you hurt?” Emily demanded from the mother. She shook her head no, and Derek cautiously approached the boy.

Emily surveyed the scene and bullet-ridden pictures revealed the only damage caused.

“They’re lies,” Tyler bit out.

Emily knew all about that. Granted, not to the degree that the boy in front of them did. But she knew about big houses adorned with pictures of smiling families. All for show. Emily forced to sit for every family portrait, and wear a dress she all but ripped off afterwards. Pictures like these made a house even colder than they would be without: a house, but not a home.

“I know,” Derek responded to the boy, “But you could have come in here and you could have made her pay.”

He glanced to the woman currently lying on the floor. “And you didn’t, because you’re good. You’re not Gary. You’re nothing like him.”

Derek then spread his arms in a gesture of surrender. “Look at me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Emily held stiff as he holstered his gun and continued to talk the boy down.

“Okay? Let’s make a deal. Give me that gun. I promise I will walk you out of here and you will never have to come back.”

It was those words that seemed to break through the fog behind the boy’s eyes, a new life igniting in them.

“Sound pretty good?”

He gave the slightest nod, and Emily could see the tears in his eyes. Still she daren’t move until the gun was safely retrieved by Derek. When he passed it to her and brought the boy into his arms in a tight hug, she finally exhaled.

“I got you,” he promised and Emily could feel the relief from the boy too.

* * *

It was after, when they were tidying up at the precinct, that Emily made the offer. Which felt more like a confession.

“I could take her,” she said to Hotch, impossibly casual as she sorted through files.

He looked up, trademark frown appearing. “Take her?”

“Carrie,” Emily supplied, and then, as if it were obvious, “to DC.”

“You mean to live with you?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed, still busying herself with collecting files.

Hotch on the other hand didn’t let his eyes leave her, like he was profiling her. “Why would you want to do that?”

Again, Emily made it seem like it was the most obvious course of action.

“I have room, money,” she said with almost a shrug of her shoulders. “And you know, she’s smart; two, three years she goes to college.” So maybe that last bit was overkill.

“Prentiss.” The tone and use of her name made her look up.

“This is the job, and I need to know that you can be objective.”

It was terribly patronising, and Emily found it not only offensive, but also a slap to the face - like it was a personal assault on her character. But of course she would never admit that hurt out loud. Instead she took that fire and turned her response into an attack.

“And I need to know that I can be human.”

There was a long moment before Hotch continued. “JJ heard from the family and they’re on their way from LA.”

Another slap to the face. This time she felt incredibly stupid. And all the more so for Hotch letting her explain herself before telling her this information.

“Oh.” She didn’t think her voice had sounded so weak in one mere syllable.

The pity, verging on concern, on Hotch’s face didn’t help.

She forced a smile. “That’s great.”

For a fleeting few moments it seemed like her life was about to change, that she was going to be someone different. More importantly, that shebelievedshe could be someone different: someone capable of looking after someone else, someone that they would need. She wasn’t quite sure what had come over her, an insane adrenaline rush? Nonetheless, it was just that – a fleeting moment. And all too soon she was back to being the person she always knew herself to be. It felt like a sign from the universe: you’re not someone anyone needs.

Except then came another moment, one that felt the opposite of fleeting. No, this settled deep inside of her with a warmth that was entirely foreign.

They were flying back on the jet, everyone exhausted from the emotional toll of the case. Emily had been quick to take her seat and busied herself with staring out the window, not in the mood for conversation. She couldn’t sleep, as was common. As much as she wanted to she couldn’t turn her thoughts of, as she’d become such an expert at. The sound of Hotch calling his son didn’t help matters. Like it was a taunt. What had been so special about this case? What had made her make such an embarrassment of herself, to think she was worthy of such a life? What had changed?

JJ slipping into the seat opposite her was welcome company. She couldn’t help the small smile that crossed her face before turning back to the window. Comfortable silence, she recalled. Or, better yet, comforting.

“You okay?”

Or maybe not so silent.

Feeling caught, Emily blinked and lifted her head. Even now, a year of case after case, she still felt her breath catch every time their eyes met. JJ could see the silent question in those big brown eyes, reminding them both that JJ could not in fact read the other woman’s mind (although the years to come would test that theory greatly).

The weak “yeah” Emily offered didn’t sound convincing in the least.

JJ nodded, even though concern was still very evident. Emily appreciated her going along with the lie.

“They’re good people,” JJ said.

Emily frowned before JJ continued with “Carrie’s family,” and she sighed.

“Good. I’m glad.”

And despite her own feelings, she was. Except now it was harder for her to keep up the façade.

“I think it’s a good idea though.”

“What’s that?” the words sounded tired, because she was. But also curious.

“You,” JJ explained, and Emily frowned. “Kids.”

Emily gave a soft laugh, so close to a scoff, entirely disbelieving. Had she been so obvious? She hoped this wasn’t the new gossip among the entire team. Hey, the new girl’s trying to fill the aching hole in her life with any child without a home, better keep an eye on her!

But she knew JJ had a certain way of reading her that the others didn’t. Despite being the non-profiler on the team, she could see into Emily’s mind in a way that almost scared her.

“I can see it,” JJ continued, words earnest. Emily turned back to face her.

There was no doubt that the next “yeah?” she let out was the weakest she’d sounded all day, voice close to breaking. She couldn’t help it; she felt completely cut open in that moment, all vulnerabilities on display for the woman in front of her. It was an alien feeling, but not entirely unwelcome.

She held her gaze, eyebrows upturned with the silent question of you think I’m worth that kind of love? She hoped not bleeding through.

The way JJ was watching her - finger pressed to her bottom lip, eyes sparkling with something she couldn’t quite pinpoint - Emily felt her heart flutter. It certainly wasn’t the first time the blonde had had that effect. But this had a different weight behind it.

There was something so deliberate about that moment. And just for those few seconds, everyone else on the plane dissipated. There was only this woman in front of her, telling her she was worthy of everything she never dared hoped for: a family, a home. A voice in the back of her head told her to slow down, to push these thoughts away like she had so many times. But in that moment, with this woman looking at her the way she was, she found herself unable to. For once, she found herself daring to hope.

Emily Prentiss had never been one to set up roots. Because she knew any kind of home she’d try to build would inevitably come crashing down. It was just what happened for her. But in that moment, staring out a tiny plane window into the night sky, she let herself dream of a life she’d never before thought she could have. That one day she could build a home.

[mordoriscalling]

Life (of) Surprise (5/6)

Jaskier lies to his family about being engaged to Geralt for the second time… and there are way too many surprises involved.

Part 4 of the Singer and the Sailor AU that no one asked for but I wrote anyway (again).

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

V - A Surprise Is Executed

Jaskier is so very in love as his niece sits in his lap.

Zofia couldn’t be more perfect. She’s so curious about everything, so cheerful and full of awe, like a tiny, beautiful sunbeam. From her father Nasir, she got her eyes almost as dark as coal, her medium-brown skin and her raven-black hair, while she resembles her mother – Jaskier’s sister Amelia – in angelic facial features and a mop of curls atop her head. She turns one-year-old tomorrow, which funnily falls on his and Geralt’s wedding day, and Jaskier couldn’t love her more.

With immense fascination, Zofia plays with Jaskier’s necklaces, tugging at them and trying to put them into her mouth. When Jaskier tells her not to do that, she looks up at him, seemingly surprised to find him there, but then recognition dawns on her face and she smiles.

“Unca!” she exclaims excitedly.

Jaskier melts.

“That’s me, Zosia,” he replies, his voice wavering. “I’m your uncle Jaskier.”

Zofia flashes him one more smile before her attention is caught by the floral pattern of his shirt. She grabs at the material and he giggles, explaining the names of the flowers to her. The girl tries to repeat some of the words he says, failing hilariously. As Jaskier laughs at her attempts, he hears another person chuckling too.

It’s only then that he realises that Yennefer has been here with them the whole time.

They are sitting in the comfortable armchairs in the music room in his house. Amelia has gone out shopping together with Rozalia, Ciri and Dara, leaving her daughter in Jaskier and Yennefer’s care. Not that Jaskier cannot be trusted with small children by himself. Yennefer is just a... coincidental backup. She only came here to drop Ciri off so that she would hang out with Dara. Really.

As Jaskier tears his eyes away from Zofia, he’s surprised to find Yennefer gazing at him and his niece... wistfully. The emotion is gone the moment she notices him looking.

“We didn’t get to meet Ciri when she was this little,” she says defensively.

“Would you like to hold her, then?” he offers.

Yennefer’s gaze turns sharp, lightning-like, but before Jaskier can start rambling and take it back, she answers, “Yes.”

He takes Zofia into his arms and carries her to put her in Yennefer’s lap. The girl fusses and begins crying, scared by the closeness of a person she doesn’t recognise. Jaskier crouches at Yennefer’s side and tries to talk to Zofia soothingly. When that doesn't work, he shows her his necklaces and this, at least, distracts her enough to stop her weeping.

When Zofia calms somewhat, Yennefer puts her hand on the girl’s back. Zofia looks up at her and Yennefer smiles so warmly, so beautifully, that Jaskier’s heart flutters a little bit. She talks to Jaskier’s niece in such a soft, gentle voice that Jaskier just sits down right there at her feet and watches her, stunned.

“You’re a sweet child, aren’t you, little Zosia?” Yennefer croons, still smiling, when Zofia touches her locks with a delighted giggle.  

“My, my,” Jaskier murmurs, with a certain degree of awe he finds himself unable to conceal, “When one bears witness to you like this, it is not a hardship to believe that you have a heart.”

Yennefer snorts. “Don’t get ahead of yourself,” she replies, not looking away from Zofia.

“Of course!” he laments. “Her affections are held by but the chosen few and alas, I’m not among them. With me, she knows no mercy! Woe me, for she swore to strike me with a near-fatal blow. After all, she’s stolen the heart of my very own guardian angel!”

What he means is Yennefer’s recent relationship with his long-time agent, Triss. Yennefer doesn’t show an ounce of shame about that.

“If you think that everyone’s thoughts revolve around you,” she answers, allowing Zofia to play with the rings on her fingers, “Then I’m slightly concerned for your mental well-being, starlet.”

“Concerned, she says!” Jaskier exclaims. “You wouldn’t be concerned about me even if I were on the brink of death. Such is my miserable fate, despised by the world’s most powerful woman!”

Yennefer sighs in a way painfully long-suffering. “Your dramatics are exhausting, starlet, and I refuse to suffer them. Leave it for tomorrow.”

It is then that it hits him.

“Oh my god,” Jaskier breathes out. “I’m marrying Geralt tomorrow.”

Yennefer gives a very Geralt-like hmm. “Who would’ve thought.”

“Oh c’mon,” he protests, “I’m quite a catch!”

She raises one perfect eyebrow. “It baffles me that some people seem to think so, and Geralt most of all.”

“You’re just bitter, witch,” Jaskier grumbles.

Yennefer actually chuckles at that, her violet eyes glimmering with amusement. Zofia gets bored of sitting in her lap and tries to get off, so Yennefer puts her on the floor. The girl reaches out for Jaskier. He takes her little hands in his, helping her stand up. They make a slow round around the room until Zofia decides to head back to the armchairs, sit on the carpet and play with one of Jaskier’s Gucci slippers.

All throughout, Yennefer watches her with that gorgeous, affectionate smile. Jaskier can see why Geralt was mad about her.

“You two are a very unlikely pair,” Yennefer remarks when Zofia crawls to her and inspects her shoes.

“Yes, well.” He shrugs. “Opposites attract, and all that. I like to think that we’re two puzzle pieces. A perfect fit.”

“Puzzle pieces!” she repeats, barking a harsh laugh. “Oh, starlet, if only it was this easy.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” he bristles.

“Don’t be foolish,” she chides. “A real relationship starts after three years. Before that, it’s just a romantic comedy.”

Jaskier purses his lips but doesn’t argue; she did spend almost a decade married to Geralt.

“Any advice, then?” he asks jokingly.

Yennefer actually considers it.

“Always be kind to each other,” she tells him, her face twisting with echoes of old, deep pain.

Jaskier only nods. They don’t speak for some time, focusing on Zofia. The girl starts getting moody after not seeing her mum around for such a long while. It’s a miracle she hasn’t got upset much earlier anyway. Thankfully, Amelia and the rest return a few minutes later.

“I think you haven’t shown us the wedding rings,” Yennefer says apropos of nothing after she returns Zofia to the safety of Amelia’s arms.

Jaskier blinks in surprise, realising that she’s right. He and Geralt had them made only two weeks ago. They decided on two silver bands, as gold felt too impersonal, both with a satin finish, Jaskier’s ring additionally encrusted with diamonds. Since Geralt entrusted them to him for safekeeping (and possibly also because Dara is their ring bearer anyway), Jaskier’s been, delicately put, protective of them. He only allowed anyone to see them in pictures.

“I haven’t, actually,” he admits. “Do you want to see them?”

Everyone nods. Reluctantly, Jaskier heads to his bedroom, where the box with the rings is hidden deep in a drawer of his bedside table. He’s more than certain to find them there. His heart stops when he discovers that they’ve somehow disappeared.

Gut-twisting panic rises within him. With shaking hands, Jaskier rakes all the drawers, then looks everywhere in the bedroom, but the box is gone.

“Fuck,” he curses with feeling. “Fuck, fuck fuckitty fuck!”

He more or less runs to the kitchen, where the rest waits.

“I’ve lost them!” he cries. “Help me look!”

Without another look at them, Jaskier goes about rummaging through the whole place frantically. Living room, the two guest rooms, the bathrooms – and still, nothing. He whimpers, wondering how’s Geralt going to react. He’s going to be disappointed, of course, but not surprised maybe, Jaskier did fuck up greatly once already. God, what if –

“Jaskier!” Ciri calls from the living room.

“They’re here!” Dara.

Jaskier rushes to them and sees the rings, resting in their box, on the coffee table, which baffles him so much that he stops dead in his tracks. He’s sure they weren’t there when he searched the room a few minutes ago.

“What,” he says, “the f – hell.”

Dara giggles. Ciri does too. Suddenly, everyone else is in the room, laughing hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” Jaskier demands. “This isn’t funny!”

Between one wheeze and another, Rozalia chokes out, “Of course you haven’t lost them!”

“You guard them like a dragon guards its hoard!” Amelia adds. “It wasn’t easy to take them away from you.”

Letting out a scandalised gasp, Jaskier points an accusing finger in the general direction of his sisters and Yennefer. “You – !”

“Your panic was extremely gratifying,” Yennefer says with a shit-eating grin.

“I hate you,” he grouses, shooting the three devious women a sulky look. “Why would you do that to me?! It wasn’t funny!”

“It was,” Dara objects. Ciri nods in agreement.

“Not you too!” Jaskier complains, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re supposed to be on my side, young man! I’m surrounded by trai –”

“Just look on the inside of the rings, Julek,” Roza sighs tiredly.

He frowns, taking the bands to inspect them. “There’s nothing on the inside –”

There is, in fact, something on the inside of the rings. An engraving in small, elegant cursive, which wasn't there even a few hours ago.

Lead me, dearest, to the coast of tomorrow

Jaskier swallows hard, his throat suddenly tight. It’s such a sweet sentiment – his own lyric, the words he wrote for Geralt, in Geralt’s favourite song of his, with a lovely twist.

For a good minute, Jaskier is rendered speechless. When he finally manages to speak, he looks at his sisters and whispers hoarsely, “Thank you.”

“Oh, don’t thank us,” Amelia replies. “This was Yen’s idea.”

Jaskier stares at Yennefer, his mouth hanging open.

“The rings were lacking,” she explains with disdain that he sees right through.

Before Jaskier knows what he’s doing, he’s moving. He sweeps her into a tight hug, ignoring her protests about it.

“Oh, witch,” he murmurs to her, “You’re so wonderful.”

“That I am,” she replies. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

He chuckles, giddy all of the sudden. Yennefer shoves him away.

Jaskier laughs harder and blows her a kiss, enjoying her disgust.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 151

151

Coming back to Garrison should have been a relief. It really should have. It wasn’t until Lance had cleaned through that he felt like he was really home again. All his stuff was where it was supposed to be, but Matt and Rieva had changed a few things around. Lance felt bad about changing it back, yet he knew it’d grate on him until he had.

Sitting himself down on the lawn, the vampire sighed deeply. Hand clutching at his pendant, unable to not think of Mami. That photo... of his first scan. Taken from camera footage obviously... back when he thought they were only have one child and Mami placed her bet. Back when he thought he’d have his Mami through it all. Back before Allura had dropped her foresight in their lap, and back before everything fell apart. It felt impossible to get Allura’s words out of his head. So he’d done what he did best when stressing, he’d cleaned. Cleaned and organised. Everything in its correct place, normalcy restored one room at a time. The Pidge and Hunk had climbed into bed with them, and... it’d been kind of nice seeing how long it’d been. Keith was left coffeeless, but that was okay because he was there to guide his sleepy boyfriend from the chaos.

This was his first Christmas without Mami, ever. It wasn’t even Christmas Day by a long shot. Presents were a distraction. Opening Mami’s was the hardest... then they dropped one last present on him as he lingered over opening the presents for the twins

“Lance?”

Shooting Hunk a wobbly smile, he’d heard them coming. Kind of glad it wasn’t Keith. He didn’t want to burden his boyfriend with a mess of feelings when all he wanted was Keith to feel part of their Christmas traditions. Being the tech nerd she was, evenings meant losing repeatedly and watching her and Hunk get progressively drunker through the night. He’d tuck them in, Pidge would be bragging about her winning right until she fell asleep

“Hey guys. I’m okay”

Dropping down beside him, both his best friends leaned into him

“Dude. We’re sorry about Mami”

“You guys did nothing wrong. I love that photo. I just miss her”

Wrapping their arms around him, Lance didn’t know who to hug back first

“I miss her too. She like super believed in me. Told me to show those boys how a real woman took on technology”

“Remember how she made all that extra food for our exams...”

“Mhmm... and Lance disappeared, so she called us to come over and visit”

“Remember the first time we met her...”

Pidge laughed at Hunk. Hunk had stammered so badly Mami couldn’t stop laughing at him to relax

“Yeah. I thought she was too cool to be related to Lance”

Lance sighed softly

“She really was the coolest. I miss her... I miss her so much”

Pidge eased off, letting Hunk pull Lance up against his chest as Lance started to cry

“We know you do, buddy. We know. We do too. She was the best to go to the fair with. Always cheering us on”

“She loved you guys. God. She loved you both so much. I thought... so many times I thought that this was it. Then she’d rally through, talking about how she’s a tough old bird...”

“I don’t think she’d want to see you crying like this. She’d call you out and say you’re too soft hearted”

Lance snorted

“Yeah. Yeah, she’d tease me. But... she was like... like my number one supporter. She protected me from everything. And I feel like I didn’t do enough for her”

Pidge punched his arm

“Idiot. Mami loved being with you. And you loved being with her. We all knew you were a total Mumma’s boy”

“That’s... that’s because... She never looked at me differently. When they... my siblings cut ties, she kept them all in line. I ruined my whole family and she’d tell me I didn’t. She didn’t blame me when it got too much for Rachel. Or... or how many nightmares I had. She’d reach for me and hold me in her lap. Sometimes she’d sing me to sleep, and sometimes she just knew I needed her to hold me. I’m sorry... I know I’m not... not okay... I just...”

“Man, she was your mum. Pidge and I are just happy you’re home again. We really missed you”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you guys”

Deciding she needed hug, Pidge wrapped her arms around the pair of them, digging her chin into Lance’s shoulder

“It’s okay. If you’d up and left we would have totally hacked your devices and found some way to track you down. You didn’t leave because you hated us, right?”

“No! No... I could never hate you guys. But... I wasn’t sure about coming back”

“Dude, we get it. I mean, you were mostly here because of Mami. You like to overthink too much”

“Careful, Pidgeon, you’re starting to sound too much like Keith”

Pidge sighed dramatically. Lance glad she hadn’t screamed in his ear. She was so excited over this Christmas party that Lance wondered how many coffees she’d downed before coming over and if she’d slept at all the night before

“I hate to admit it, but he’s got a point. You’re back with us now, and you’re stuck with us. Like super stuck. I mean, I could superglue myself too you, if you’re not getting the point, but I think it’s against some kind of universal law to glue yourself to a pregnant person”

Lifting his arm, the angle was awkward as Lance hugged Pidge without having to move away from Hunk’s chest. His two besties were the best friends anyone alive, or dead, could ask for

“I think Keith would be mad, plus being a vampire means throwing up what you eat... and we all know how much you love the sight of vomit”

“This pregnancy isn’t working in my favour. At least I know I’m in prime position for favourite aunt”

“There’s always Shay. Seeing she knows... Which I’m betting you haven’t had her sign a non-disclosure agreement over”

That Shay now knew meant there was a massive weight taken off Hunk’s relationship with her. He didn’t need to know Hunk and Shay had done the do. Hunk was his best buddy. The feelings it brought up were the same feeling about hearing Shiro and Curtis, or Matt and Rieva, meaning as long as it was consensual it was absolutely none of his business. Hunk let out a long moan of what Lance assumed was despair, before shaking his head

“I didn’t mean to tell her. She was talking about you being gone, and not coming back and why you vanished in the first place when that was completely unlike you... and it kind of slipped out. I thought we were over. She left pretty much as soon I’d told her...”

Pidge took over from Hunk

“Then she called me up, talking about Hunk saying some really weird things. She was as freaked as I was to know these things existed. I told her to listen to Hunk and that he wasn’t crazy, and Shay was crazy enough to go back and demand answers”

Yeah. No. Lance wouldn’t have able to handle it. He was slightly cowardly and he knew it. Though... he hadn’t really had much of a life not knowing about the things in the dark

“I don’t think I could have handled it”

Pidge giggled

“She already thought you were a bit weird. The teeth totally didn’t help with all the flashing around you did, and she had her own theories about you being ill. She’s not as good of an investigator as I am, but she’s got potential”

Hunk defended his girlfriend, Lance not sure how he felt about Shay thinking he was weird when he’d been so nice to her in the past

“She’s still learning. Shay is so smart, I’m sure she’ll catch up in no time. We weren’t that good when we started”

“Maybe. She’s better than Matt. People want to see more of my “Hot Brother”. Like, excuse me?! Matt isn’t hot, and he’s not that smart either. We’re making a show about ghost hunting, not about my brother”

Eh. Sometimes he could throttle Matt and wish an in anaesthetised neutering upon him, yet, he wasn’t ugly. Objectively Lance assumed a lot of people would find mind Matt attractive

“Matt’s not completely unattractive. Like you’re pretty cute for a criminal mastermind”

Pidge made a fake retching sound. Matt to busy arguing with the others over how to hang the photo frame over the fireplace. It’d look nice there, better then the mirror and above his little shrine of super important things on his mantle

“Dude, that’s my brother. No. You’re not allowed to say that”

“I’m very happily taken by Keith, so you don’t have to worry about me climbing into bed with your brother. If anything I should be worried about Matt climbing into bed with me”

Pidge detached herself. Lance clinging to Hunk like gum to the bottom of a shoe. At this point someone might have to scrape him off. Anxiety was so cruel. The voices in his head telling him over and over that they’d never forgive him and he should rid them off the curse that was knowing him. He’d been preparing his heart, knowing he’d break theirs if he chose Cuba over coming home. Blue would go to Hunk, who’d make sure his princess would have all the wet food that her highness could desire.

“You guys are weird. Like, super weird. I get that you’re close, but why would Matt climb into bed with you”

“It’s a wolf thing. They have a high sex drive. I’m a vampire so his ego is naturally ruffled, but my body can also take a lot more than human. Don’t worry, we punched it out and we’re friends. Rieva says I’m part of her pack, which is super weird for a wolf to accept a vampire”

Hunk was making his “confused face”. Lance didn’t have to see it to know he was. Pidge must be wishing she hadn’t gone there. A moment or two of thought passed before Hunk shrugged

“I don’t think it’s weird. They do live with you”

“Hunk, my sunshine. It’s not really a thing in my world. I’ve never hung around werewolves and vampires for longer than I could help it. Normally we’d both kill each other if we were strangers in the wrong territory. Even if we’re “domesticated” we still have strong egos that control us if we don’t keep a tight hold of them”

“But you helped them out”

Bless Hunk from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet

“Yeah. But there’s all this instinct bullshit. Sometimes the smell of Rieva and Matt still makes my face go all vampire like and my nails get super long and scary. I guess maybe if you think of as being drunk and trying to act sober. There’s that part of you that’s all party with no fear and could anything. I don’t know how to really explain ego to you. It’s just there for me”

“Well... we’re here for you too. Shiro says we’re having a baby shower soon”

Pidge wasn’t having a topic change by Hunk on her watch

“Excuse me, but I think we were actually crowning me best aunt”

“Shay would make a great aunt. And a great mother...”

“Can I not have anything to myself?”

Oh dear. He’d better not mention Allura

“Now, now. We all know Curtis would make a great aunt too”

“He doesn’t count. You two are too into those weird soap operas. Plus, Shiro said he’s the best uncle, so Curtis is already one up”

“What about me?”

Lance nuzzled into Hunk’s chest. He loved cuddles with Keith, but Hunk cuddles were a whole other feeling

“You’ll be the very best uncle. As for a baby shower, can we wait? Until things have settled down and we’re closer to June?”

Pidge tugged on his arm

“But we want to celebrate”

“And you will. That reminds me, should I be worried about Keith’s present?”

“Oh, absolutely. We’re got to borrow you both for a bit, but we think he’ll be happy”

Putting two and two together, Lance bit down his groan. Obviously Keith’s bike was at Hunk’s dad’s garage. Great. Now he’d have to worry about Keith out on it

“I know what’s happening. I don’t think I want to think about him back on his bike”

“How did you know?”

“Call it one of my many vampire senses. You guys can borrow him. I don’t want to see that death trap. He’s still got the scars from the accident”

“Fiiiiine. We’ll borrow him. It’s not our fault if he comes back smiling”

Lance smiled at the thought of Keith smiling. He loved it. He loved how unguarded Keith could be when he let his walls drop and let himself be happy

“He does that”

“Much more than when we met him. You’re completely to blame”

Blame was such a dirty and ugly word. Still, if he was to blame for Keith’s happiness, he’d take all the blame in the world.

[silvaskye]

My mum: It was all so sudden. You were never like this as a kid.

Me as a kid: *rejected everything feminine* *super sensitive to loud noises* *only ate like 4 foods without having a meltdown* *only had 1-5 close friends who were the only people I talked to* *only talked about specific things* *literally insisted that 7 was an even number because she’s female* *hated 5 and 3 because they’re too yellow* *got bored way too easily* *either talked constantly or didn’t talk at all* *no facial expressions* *constant stimming* *hating my name because it’s too yellow and too girly* *listened to the voices when I was bored* *told my friends to use any pronouns for me before I came out* *dated a girl in my daydream world before I came out* *guessed people’s favourite colour based off of their personality* *‘insulted’ my mum by telling her that she smelled like potatoes because that’s literally just what her personality smells like* *intentionally made my voice deeper* *thought people had to be taught how to make friends by their parents and mine just never taught me* *thought I couldn’t feel love until I was 7* *determined I just felt it differently* *realized later that I can love but not be in love* *told my parents I didn’t want to have biological kids when u was 4* *had what I defined as a ‘crush’ on multiple female childhood friends* *never felt any attraction to guys I dated* *was called a distraction by my year 5 teacher for constantly stimming from stress to the point where he told my parents not to take me to school anymore so I missed the year* *no sleep schedule* *cant feel hunger or thirst* *can literally just switch off my facial expressions and block out my emotions as a coping mechanism* *cant process audio* *minimal social skills* *‘boring’ hobbies* *carries plushies/comfort objects everywhere* *plays with everything* *semiverbal most of the time* *wore socks inside out as a kid because I’d have a meltdown if the seam was inside until I forced myself to wear them ‘correctly’*

[thepeakyfckingblinders]

Innocence Lost || Michael Gray x reader

⤠ MASTERLIST⤟

Anon requested: “ 2 & 7 from the prompt list. Perhaps for Michael? Don’t worry prompts just are tough since you can’t read anyone’s mind but you’ll come around. Every idea is different. I’ve been writing fan work for about six years and I still suck at prompts.” (Love you so much, thank you for your support, I’m so sorry for being late, hope you don’t hate me) Summary: n.2 & 7 from my prompt list: "He’s driving me crazy” +  “It hurts so bad I can’t breathe”

Warnings: angst, swearing, virgin reader, a little smut

Author’s notes:

First of all, this is awfully long [3967 words], but I really loved writing it, my favourite piece so far, thank you so much for requesting!

Paragraphs written in italics are flashbacks.

I’m sorry for being this late, but I’ve been really busy in the past days and I spent a whole holiday without Wi-fi, moreover, writing is never just easy, it demands concentration and effort, plus I don’t want you to be disappointed, so I’m always extra accurate while working. I hope this is worth the wait!

Let me know what you think and tell me if this is what you expected  ♡

I’m Italian, English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for every possible mistake I made. Also please, help me improve my writing by telling me if there’s something wrong

ENJOY!

“Y/n, please, you can’t keep this up, you need to eat” For the umpteenth time in a row, your best friend’s voice reached your ears from behind the locked door of your room, but, again, you just ignored her and the loud thuds produced by her small fists colliding with the dark wood, your watery eyes remained fixed on the window facing your messy bed, as your attention was totally reduced to the meagre sun rays feebly filtering from the curtains. Your mind somehow managed to isolate itself from the surrounding world, until those deafening screams and noises waned in your numb eardrums and your empty y/e/c irises disappeared behind your heavy eyelids, covered in evident violet veins alarmingly in relief under your deathly pale skin.

Once more, you inexorably drowned in your haunting memories leading your already faint breath to break, while a muffled sigh slightly escaped your bluish lips in desperate need of hydration. In a matter of seconds you fell in a fugue state, still far from sleeping, yet just as far from being awake, and then you saw him again: his piercing green eyes, the sharp features of his wonderful face, his soft lips always contracted in a harsh line; you perfectly remembered every single inch of his glorious figure, to the point that the illusive vision evoked by your exhausted brain looked so real, that you thought to be able to finally touch him, as your hand instinctively lifted from the mattress, agonizingly digging in the stale air, but never coming near to graze the actual object of its fondest desires.

Before you could at least try to avoid it, you found yourself retracing the course of your relationship with Michael for the millionth time, an acute wave of pain spread through your chest, stealing another excruciating moan from your throat.

The familiar ring of the small bell, specifically hung above the door, reverberated in the room, announcing the presence of another person in your mother’s shop.

You raised your head, already smiling at your new customer, and looked in the direction of the entrance, more than ready to help whoever it was find the perfect material for the making of a high-quality suit, still, when you realized who actually walked in your store, your heart skipped a beat and you felt cold drops instantly forming on your forehead.

“Good morning, sir, h-how can I help you?” With a courage you never knew you had, you almost stuttered those words, incapable of taking your eyes off the magnetic ones of none other than Michael Gray; your blood froze on the spot, your mother had always begged you to keep yourself out of the way of the infamous Peaky Blinders, she’d always said they were dangerous people and no good would’ve ever come from getting involved with them in any way, and that terrifying awareness had you panic even more under his penetrating stare, while you kept hearing your mum’s apprehensive tone echoing inside your mind.

“Miss? Is everything alright?”

Only when that unbelievably deep voice rocked the air around your body, you understood you must’ve got lost in your thunderous thoughts, probably looking like a complete fool, so with a simple toss of your head you eventually forced yourself to put aside your fear and smile once more, even though you just wanted to run away from that uncomfortable situation. “Yeah, I’m perfectly fine, thank you. Please, tell me what you need and I’ll do my best to make you leave satisfied” Those words frenetically tumbled out of your mouth as your nervous fingers moved a strand of your hair behind your right ear, where you had previously pinned a graceful white and blue orchid, like you used to do every day. You saw an amused grin forming on his face, his vigilant orbs studied your shape, following each movement you made with flaunted audacity. “You want me to leave that bad?” The earlier trickle of concern in his tone was now replaced by pure irony, and you felt your cheeks wildly burn realizing how wrong that choice of words was.

“Oh my God, no! That’s not what I meant, I-i was... I was-” The young man’s crystal laugh interrupted your humiliating rambling, causing your flushed face to turn literally purple with embarrassment, suddenly the tip of your shoes became the most interesting thing in the world for you, until a solid hand gently gripped your chin, guiding you to lift your gaze, before it left your skin and cautiously reached for the flower held amidst your locks. “Hey, it’s okay, I was just joking” a tender smile still decorated his lips while he toyed with the delicate blossom between his fingers, examining it like it was something he had never seen before “Why do you wear this in your hair?”

Your nose automatically scrunched up at that silly question and you glanced at him almost in disbelief. In the space of a moment your wild heartbeat regularized, suddenly he din’t look like a dangerous gangster anymore, in your eyes, for that brief instant, he became just a weird boy in your workshop. 

“I like flowers” Michael chuckled in amusement again because of your disarming naivety, and his attitude seriously started to get on your nerves, he was pissing you off with his impertinence, plus you didn’t understand what he was laughing at. “Explain to me what's so funny, so I can laugh too” When you comprehended how your tone came out a bit grumpier than you expected, your eyes went wide with dread since you immediately remembered who you were speaking to. Still, nothing bad happened; he simply tried to stop giggling in your face as both his hands raised in a gesture of surrender.

“No need to get all worked up, honey, I only think you’re cute”

Pure shock contaminated your features due to those words, your cheeks heated again in distress, yet he didn’t move an inch, continuing to look at you from beneath his full lashes; there was something indecipherable in his gaze, something that made your stomach flinch with an unknown feeling. “You what?” Your voice rose of a few octaves, making you sound like a complete psycho, Michael, on the other hand, simply ignored your hysteric question and took up his absurd speech. “Would you have dinner with me tonight, miss?” Your trembling body unconsciously curled up on your left side, while your pupils berserkly moved under your closed eyelids and your mind kept reliving those bittersweet flashbacks. Actually, that day you had gently declined his first invite, under the pretext of not knowing him well enough, “you don’t even know my name, sir”, you had said, hoping to dissuade him from that odd whim; too bad for you, Michael Gray always knew exactly what he desired and rarely changed his mind nor gave up, especially when it came to intriguing challenges like you were. In fact, after your first encounter, he began to come to the store at least three times each week, on the pretence of ordering all sorts of rich fabrics for he needed new suits, and every morning he made sure that a bouquet of fresh white and blue orchids was dropped off your workplace. With the passing of days, no matter how hard you had tried not to, you fatally started to enjoy his company: he made you laugh like no one else did, and he was so kind and caring, that you soon forgot about his bad reputation, on the contrary, you could hardly believe that he was some vile criminal, since around you he just behaved like a normal boy, full of life and hopes. Eventually, he managed to persuade you to go out with him three weeks later, and after your first date, many and many others came, until one night he took you dancing in a lovely place down town. Needless to say, Michael was an absolute disaster on the dance floor, still he was there with you and kept making a fool of himself only to see you have fun; you perceived it in his stunning eyes, how happy he was from just knowing that you wanted to be right there and then, with him and him alone. And when he first kissed you, that same night in the middle of the ballroom, pulling you closer to his chest after a clumsy pirouette, in that exact moment, you knew, beyond any doubt, you had hopelessly fallen for that man. The mere thought of all those cheerful times brought an involuntary smirk on your face consumed by sorrow, but it was quickly overshadowed by your last memory together, which was for you both the most painful and blissful memory of all. The small lights, emanated from the fireflies Michael had caught for you, literally enchanted you, it was unbelievable how the simplest things could be so dazzling. A few days earlier, he had told you about his previous life, when he was nothing more than an ordinary farmboy with a normal family and a special talent for the mathematics, he had told you about how he loved to spend time with his little brother, playing ball among those endless fields or trapping glow-worms in old jam jars. For this reason, he had finally decided to bring you there, because he wanted you to know who he really was, aside from all his money and power, he needed you to love that part of himself too. So you found yourself comfortably sitting on a large towel in the middle of the green English countryside, your back was pressed against his torso and his arms were vigorously wrapped around your waist.

“What’s on your mind?” Your soft voice broke that unearthly silence first, you heard him giggle from above your shoulder before a quick peck was left on your cheek, followed by the tip of his nose tracing an electric path from your jaw to the bottom of your neck. You felt his face sink in your smooth skin as he took a deep breath, inhaling your fruity scent as much as possible, then a long wet kiss at the height of your throat inflamed your flesh with no mercy, until his libidinous mouth paused its work, in order to give you the sincere answer you were waiting for. “I want to make love to you”

In a single sharp movement you rolled onto your other side, desperately grabbing the edges of the sheets with your hands, almost like that was the only chance you had to keep yourself from falling again into the darkest abysses of your brain, but you couldn’t wake up, that noxious slumber seemed to keep you hostage. Grieving wailings filled the room, and your lungs easily run out of air, when the last lethal recall implacably came.

“So beautiful, so fucking beautiful” Michael groaned, while his dilated pupils greedily drank each drop of your naked shape unsteadily laying under his, he watched in rapture your soft chest frantically raise and lower and your plump lips incapable of holding back uncountable whimpers, due to the lustful stroking of his fingertips inside your core. Your misty gaze never left his, as your foreheads eagerly pressed against each other, he kissed you with unbearable urgency once more, your fingers hungrily entangling his short hair so to keep him close. Yet, when you finally felt his tip rub against your centre, a mindless fear took over you, causing your mouth to abruptly depart from his; your eyes, impregnated with pure dismay, started to ravingly seek the spot where your bodies were about to connect, before Michael lifted your chin with tenderness, driving you to catch his preoccupied stare. “Hey, we don’t have to go further if you’re not feeling like doing it, love” He whispered while making your noses lovingly cress one another, you blinked multiple times in attempt to regain a minimum of lucidity and then placed one of your trembling hands on his cheek. A tremendous amount of chaotic thoughts were wildly dancing in your dizzy head: suddenly, the awareness of the fact that he was involved in nasty affairs struck terror into your heart all over again, moreover, it would’ve been a terrible scandal, if it ever got out that a girl from a good family had slept with someone out of wedlock, especially someone like him. But, more than anything else, you kept wondering how that whole thing was going to end; afterall, you had always heard rumors about him being an absolute womanizer, he seduced only to abandon, that was what everybody said in Birmingham, and you were completely petrified by the idea that he could treat you that way as well. Still, you knew your love for him was strong, and you firmly believed that love was nothing without trust. “I want this, I swear, but...” Embarrassment lead you to look away while pronouncing those last syllables and your voice died in your throat, but, despite that, Michael was able to read you like an open book, so he hurried to cup your face and briefly peck your lips, in order to make you restore your confidence. He wanted you to feel safe in his arms, he wanted you to give yourself to him without any change of heart, since only then you would’ve been truly, completely and utterly his. “Just keep looking at me, okay? It’s me and you, y/n, nothing else matter now. Only me and you” You nodded your head yes, definitely allowing him to go on, and, while you were sinking in the mesmerizing green of his irises, he began to gently thrust into you, always paying attention to all your facial cues. A dull ache soon radiated through your lower abdomen and legs, having you tense up under his weight, as your thighs instinctively tried to shut.  “Relax, babygirl” a shower of small kisses covered your face, his warm tone caressing your ears “I need you to tell me if it gets too much, got it? I’ll stop at any moment”

As soon as you gave him your consent afresh, he entirely drowned inside you at a placid pace, irreversibly taking your innocence; a wrenching whine forcefully rolled down your tongue because of that horrible sensation, inducing Michael to tauten his muscles for a second and then start to pull out right away.

Watching you suffer caused him physical pain, he could actually sense a grievous burden achingly worm its way through his ribs; that’s how he realized he loved you dangerously. “Wait, Michael” Your wavering voice, together with your calves still held around his hips, temporary succeeded in keeping him from breaking that intimate connection, your nails digging in his forearms to prevent you from crying. “Stay with me”  You pleaded again, yet he seemed determined to ignore your prayers, as his head vehemently shook in disapproval and his waist fought your legs’ resistance. “I’m hurting you! I can’t-” Michael was not able to end his sentence for your lips impetuously collided with his, you needed him to stop blaming himself for such a natural thing; sweet caresses enveloped his marked cheekbones in a dire effort to calm his nerves, while you knowingly borrowed his former words. “Please, I want you to make love to me” After that night, without a single word, Michael Gray inexplicably disappeared from your life. A moon passed, yet not once he came to your shop, nor he wrote you a letter in order to explain the reason behind his disgusting behaviour, he just continued to avoid you, always staying away from the places where he knew he would meet you, pretending not to spot you among the crowded streets of the city. It was as if the entire world had fallen on your frail shoulders, you couldn’t quantify the cruel grief tearing your soul apart. “Y/n! Y/n, you have to wake up!” Mary’s screams rudely dragged you back to reality, only then you heard the immoderate sobs and weeps uncontrollably erupting from your throat; you looked up at your best friend, who had somehow managed to pick the lock of your chamber, and you noticed raw terror shining in her orbs, her fists squeezing your arms hard enough to leave a mark. “L-leave me alone” You muttered with hot tears still streaming down your face. Even though you were well conscious of your extreme bad attitude towards her, you couldn’t handle any physical contact in those moments, you only craved loneliness. “No, I fucking won’t! Now, tell me what the hell is going on with you” Her aggressive tone brooked no argument as she showed no signs of letting go of you, at least not until you spat it all out. “I can get no peace, I see him! Every time I close my eyes, I see his damn face, I hear his voice. He’s driving me crazy” You snuggled up, burying your head between your flexed knees, finally allowing your cry to explode altogether.                                                          *****

“Mr. Gray, I’m so sorry, I tried to stop her, but she won’t listen!” From his comfortable armchair, Michael abandoned his work only to glimpse at his assistant with one eyebrow raised in a sceptical expression.  Yet, soon he understood what that poor man was talking about, since Mary furiously broke into his office, bravely sending him eloquent death glares. With his usual arrogance pouring out of every hole, the boy brought a cigarette to his mouth, lighting it in a quick move, before he dropped his secretary a hint so to be left alone with the lady. “I have business, no time to talk” Michael tried his best to sound as unemotional as possible, he kept smoking slowly, savouring every rush of grey smoke, and staring at the girl in front of him with a destabilizing sense of superiority. “You don’t need to talk, you screwed bastard! You just have to listen!” In the blink of an eye, Mary reached for him behind his desk, rabidly gripping his naive shirt collar in order to push him closer to her livid face. She knew perfectly well who she was growling at, he could’ve ruined her at any moment and that was a risky choice, but her dearest friend was going to pieces right beyond her eyes and she had to do something about it. “She’s slowly fading away and there’s nothing anyone can do, ‘cause you fucking destroyed her!” Michael forced himself to bear her gaze, despite the devouring guilt growing inside his stomach. “She at least deserves a bloody logical explanation, so she can finally move on. I swear to God, Michael Gray, if you don’t go there and talk to her, I’ll find a way to fuck up your pathetic life, if it’s the last thing I do”                                                              *****

A light knock on the wooden jamb distracted you from your thoughts again, you simply moaned with annoyance in response, laying on your bed with your back to the open door. “I told you to leave me alone, Mary” You murmured at the limit of your strength, but, half a minute later, you heard someone clear their throat in a very familiar way, and you just couldn’t believe your ears. Without a second thought, your back escaped the control of your mind, hastily leaving the mattress; in the space of a moment, you found yourself standing in front of him. The air around you seemed to freeze on the spot, you stopped breathing, he was there, for the first time after more than a month. Your heart was atrociously split into two: part of you only wanted to throw your arms around his neck and hold him tight, still, your other half hated him for the hell he had deliberately put you through. “Go away.” Your stone-cold remark hit him right in the gut, he looked in horror at the state into which you had fallen, conscious of being the one to blame for all the pain he had caused you; before he could notice, he sensed a salt drop fall from his lashes and directly hit the floor, but he didn’t move, unable to regain control of his paralyzed body. “I said, go away!” This time you couldn’t prevent yourself from hysterically shouting in his face, starting to throw several punches at his chest, both of you were now at the mercy of your own rage. Coming out of his momentary trance, Michael promptly grabbed your wrists, partially interrupting your fierce outburst; feeling the touch of his bare skin on yours inexorably had goosebumps cover every inch of your figure, it was like getting sparked a thousand times in a row, you kept wondering how you were staying on your feet without falling to the ground. “I’m here to talk” That mind-blowing sound filled your ears, causing your craw to painfully close up, he kept his watery irises locked with yours, waiting for you to say something, but your only answer ended up being a forceful shove, which allowed you to free yourself from his grasp. “Talk? Really?!” a bitter laugh left your sternum as you incredulously put your hands through your tousled locks “What exactly did you want to discuss with me? How disgusting you are for mercilessly betraying a person whose only mistake was loving you, eh?” Truth was hard to handle for him, he was aware of what a horrible thing he had done to you, still, he wished he could make you understand he had acted that way for a reason. Michael lowered his gaze in discomfort, until your roaring voice echoed through the walls once more. “Look at me! I want you to see what you’ve done” you took a few steps in his direction, getting riskily close to him, while your mad stare never left his features. “I am shot to pieces because of you” Your index finger roughly hit the middle of his pecs for a brief instant, then you distanced yourself of about three feet, overwhelmed by that terrible mess made of a million contrasting feelings bloodily fighting into your head. “It hurts so bad I can’t breathe” That was nothing more than a whisper, cracking under the weight of your excruciating emotions; for the umpteenth time that day, all the air in your lungs somehow vanished for a few, interminable, seconds, leaving you to tremble before his immovable silhouette. That heartbreaking sight stirred something in Michael, something so strong, that he finally reacted to that unbearable situation. “I fucking did it for you! I did it to protect you from a man like me, y/n! What do I really have to offer you, eh?” Shock took over you while you watched him gesticulate, wildly hitting his own torso multiple times in between his yells. “Blood, death, destruction, that’s what I am. And I can’t drag you down with me, y/n, ‘cause I love you too much to be this selfish!” He fell on his knees, fully depleted by his own sorrow, and he wearily leant his forehead onto your womb, heavy sobbing through the veils of your nightgown. A round minute went by without you exhaling a single sigh, you tried and process what he had just said, swiftly repeating it all to yourself. Eventually, your fingers gently began to caress his hair in attempt to put an end to his loud weeps, never before you had seen him cry, never in a thousand years you had thought that moment would ever come. “I love you too, Michael, and that’s why you can’t decide for me”  Your right hand softly cupped his chin in order to make him look up at your eyes. “You just have to let me stay by your side”

tag list: @namelesslosers, @shadow-of-wonder, @spidey-pal

[written-on-the-trees]

Strawberry Necklace Part 8 - Yungblud Fan Fiction

Word Count: 1925 words.

Warnings: None, for this part. Smut, fem-dom, and prostitution for the whole story.

Summary: Nova explains to her sister about her relationship with Dom...but it turns out Stella isn’t the only one who’s interested.

Where else can you find this:  Ao3  |  Wattpad

Part Seven  |  Part Nine

"So...strawberry necklace boy."

 "Hi Stella. Yes, I'm well, thank you. I got you a latte - no, no, there's no need to thank me." Nova replied blithely, ignoring every unspoken question she'd just been asked and smirking at her sister, who was glaring at her from the chair she'd just dropped into.

 "Nova!" Stella whined: "Stop it! You got a boyfriend, and you're trying to talk to me about coffee. Seriously!"

   Nova just laughed.

 Stella glared and bunched up a napkin and threw it at her hand, but that only made Nova laugh harder at her sister's annoyance.

 It was tempting to keep annoying Stella by evading her questions - both because it was amusing and because talking about Dom was going to be awkward as hell - but her sister would probably move onto throwing heavier objects at some point, and Nova didn't want to get kicked out of another coffee shop. So instead of being a bitch, she shrugged and gestured for Stella to ask her questions.

   Of course, Stella already had a whole load of them - which she had apparently written in her notes app, if the way she started reading off of her phone was any indication: "Right, firstly...is he still treating you right?"

 "Stella, it's been two days since we decided to see each other outside of work - "

 "It's important!" Stella insisted.

 "Yeah...Yeah, he's still treating me right." Nova smiled softly. Because even if it had just been two days, so far everything had been good. Better than good, in fact.

   Stella nodded, apparently satisfied by what was probably a ridiculously sappy expression on Nova's face.

 It was hard not to look a bit sappy; Dom might have left last night, after getting his own text messages about who the hell was on his Instagram story and demands to explain himself from his housemates, but that didn't mean he hadn't made his presence felt this morning. She'd woken up to a really cute text message, and a delivery man knocking on her door to hand over a bouquet of all different kinds of pink flowers.

 Maybe it was just the honeymoon period, but that didn't stop her from feeling like he was amazing.

   "Good. Secondly, are you two dating now? Just seeing each other? Engaged? Planning to elope to Vegas next week? Where are you at? Am I going to be an auntie soon?"

   Nova choked on the sip of tea she'd just taken.

   "Jesus Christ Stella!" she spluttered: "Dating! We are dating! There are absolutely no plans for marriage or children at this point."

 "You sure?"

 "Yes!"

 Stella smirked: "Because I know you have a tendency to announce things via Dom's Instagram..."

 Nova glared and jabbed a finger at her sister: "Fuck off, it happened once."

 Little shit that she was, Stella just laughed: "Speaking off announcing things, have you told anyone else yet?"

 "I didn't mean to tell you. Fucking Sinead and her fucking Instagram." Nova sighed half-heartedly, bearing no actual ill-will to either her niece of her social media: "But no, I haven't told anyone - honestly I only plan on even telling mum, dad, and Orion because I don't want Dom thinking they won't approve of him."

   It was entirely true.

 Nova's relationship with her parents and younger brother was...strained at best. Her parents might be former hippies, but they were judgemental pricks, and Orion had some sort of youngest-child-and-only-boy inferiority complex that meant he was always looking for ways to prove he was 'better' than Nova and Stella. In truth, they probably wouldn't approve of her seeing Dom, but that disapproval would be focused on her, not him; because that was what they did. Disapproved of her.

 She got it; no-one really wanted a dominatrix for a daughter, but it had started getting old around five years ago, and by now she was completely over it. She knew her parents loved her, but they just didn't approve, and though they certainly weren’t afraid to show that, Nova didn't really care anymore. It was old news, as far as she was concerned, and Stella knew all of that, so she was quick to move on to her next question, because there was simply nothing else there to cover.

   "Speaking of family, Sinead thinks you're literally the coolest person in the family now." Stella rolled her eyes: "She's not shut up talking to me about how cool you are because you're dating this famous rockstar, and now she's somehow got Ciara and Finn on board, so you're going to be very popular this Christmas."

 Amused by Stella obviously being put out by her daughter's favouritism, Nova smirked: "I mean, I was already the coolest person in the family, but it's nice to finally have it recognised."

 "Go fuck yourself." Stella responded casually, taking a sip of her latte: "They've all been keeping it really secret, but are you and Dom keeping it a quiet? Sinead's really nervous about letting it slip if she shouldn't."

 "We haven't really spoken about it. From what I can tell, he's never been hugely obvious when he's dating someone, but he doesn't go to many lengths to hide it either. He seemed more worried by my family not liking us dating than anyone else, but for now..."

 Stella nodded in understanding: "Sinead and Ciara can keep it quiet a bit longer. I'm not entirely sure Finn actually knows who Yungblud is, or even if it's the same person that you're dating, so there's no risk there."

   Nova wouldn't lie and say that she was relieved that the girls wouldn't say anything yet. She didn't want to fuck anything up for Dom, which meant she'd have to take his lead on whether anything went further than their families.

 In any case, it might not be a problem. If they tried dating and it didn't work, then it was probably better that it wasn't widely known that they'd been together at all. Dom wouldn't need the questions, and Nova wouldn't need the attention - it would be much better not to have the whole world know about them if there wasn't actually a them. Besides, she wasn't trying to be flippant, Nova had other things on her mind than Dom's Instagram followers.

 She was thinking of quitting her job.

 It wasn't because of Dom...she was just getting tired of being a dominatrix. She'd been doing it since she was twenty-one - not to mention the two years she'd worked in a brothel before that - and she was thirty-two now. It was boring. She was bored of her clients - with the exception of Dom, of course - she was bored of her lack of a real social life, and she was bored of the constant effort to try and look like she was in her early twenties because looks were a huge part of attracting and keeping clients.

 To put it simply...she was bored out of her mind. If she was being honest with herself, she'd admit that she had been for a while, but now she was dating someone - with the intention that the dating would turn into a relationship - Nova was wondering if it was time to move on. The only thing that was stopping her was...not knowing what she was going to do if she did pack it all in.

 Unfortunately, there was no easy answer to that. And so she wasn't going to dwell on it while she was having coffee with Stella.

 Instead, they carried on speaking about Dom, for a little while. Stella was insistent on getting the chance to meet him, but Nova warned her that it wasn't going to be for a while. She wanted to see if they made it past a month yet - if they did, then she would think about him and Stella meeting, since Stella lived so close. About the rest of the family, Nova wasn't sure, but she was sure that she wasn't in any rush for him to meet them, so that was fine for now. After that the conversation turned to a few other bits and pieces, before Stella had to leave to get Finn from school.

 Nova made sure to hug her sister tightly, a silent thank you for so open to Dom being a part of Nova's life, while still wanting to make sure he was good for her, before both of them left together, walking to the tube station together before going to their separate platforms. Nova had every intention of just going back to her flat and making the most of having no clients today, knowing she had and appointment with one of her less preferred customers tomorrow, when a text message from an unsaved number dropped down from the top of her phone screen, interrupting the news article she was reading while waiting for the train.

 An unsaved number, not an unknown one.

   What the fuck does she want?

   The text message itself was uselessly vague - messages from Nova's 'boss' always were. The old woman didn't like to put anything even potentially incriminating in writing. If she had something to say about business, she'd say it over the phone or (as she preferred) in person.

 And it seemed she had something to say.

   Meet me at your house. Five o'clock.

   Nova cursed internally.

 Helen Birch was a woman of few words, but somehow she always managed to make every single one of them feel like they were weighted down with lead. Maybe it was from years of experience, both as a dominatrix and a madam (although she would never admit to being the latter), or maybe it was just her personality, but either way it made reading her texts feel like being threatened...although in this case, it was potentially because Nova was being threatened. Not explicitly, of course, but nothing good ever came from such blunt commands from Helen.

 Sighing, Nova slid her phone into her handbag and boarded the train that had just opened its doors in front of her.

 The way she saw it, she now had two choices.

 One, ignore the message. It would piss Helen off, and likely only invite more arsey text messages. Helen didn't actually employ Nova - that would suggest there were contracts and paperwork and physical evidence - but did own the house Nova rented to work in, and she also took a cut of some of the money Nova got from some clients, if those clients were direct to Nova from her. And over the years she had sent Nova a lot of clients. She'd really helped Nova find her feet as a dominatrix, providing not just clients but also good advice and help when Nova needed it.

 Basically, it would be really rude to go with choice one.

 Choice two, however, was doing what Helen told her. And that...that set a bad precedent. Helen wasn't her boss, and Nova didn't have to go when Helen called. If Helen wanted to tell Nova something, she could ask Nova if she could meet like a normal person. Nova didn't want to give in and make Helen think that she could command Nova to do as she wished, whenever she wished.

 But if she didn't go with choice two, she'd have to wait longer to find out what Helen wanted. And more than anything else, Nova wanted to know why she was being summoned to her workplace.

   Looks like I'll be going to work after all.

    Whatever happened...it should at least be interesting.

[grigori77]

Movies of 2020 - My Pre-Summer Favourites (Part 2)

The Top Ten:

10.  TRUE HISTORY OF THE KELLY GANG – Justin Kurzel has been on my directors-to-watch list for a while now, each of his offerings impressing me more than the last (his home-grown Aussie debut, Snowtown, was a low key wallow in Outback nastiness, while his follow up, Macbeth, quickly became one of my favourite Shakespeare flicks, and I seem to be one of the frustrated few who actually genuinely loved his adaptation of Assassin’s Creed, considering it to be one the very best video game movies out there), and his latest is no exception – returning to his native Australia, he’s brought his trademark punky grit and fever-dream edginess to bear in his quest to bring his country’s most famous outlaw to the big screen in a biopic truly worthy of his name. Two actors bring infamous 19th Century bushranger Ned Kelly to life here, and they’re both exceptional – the earlier half of the film sees newcomer Orlando Schwerdt explode onto the screen as the child Ned, all righteous indignation and fiery stubbornness as he rails against the positions his family’s poverty continues to put him in, then George MacKay (Sunshine On Leith, Captain Fantastic) delivers the best performance of his career in the second half, a barely restrained beast as Ned grown, his mercurial turn bringing the man’s inherent unpredictability to the fore.  The Babadook’s Essie Davis, meanwhile, frequently steals the film from under both of them as Ellen, the fearsome matriarch of the Kelly clan, and Nicholas Hoult is similarly impressive as Constable Fitzpatrick, Ned’s slimily duplicitous friend/nemesis, while there are quality supporting turns from Charlie Hunnam and Russell Crowe as two of the most important men of Ned’s formative years.  In Kurzel’s hands, this account of Australia’s greatest true-life crime saga becomes one of the ultimate marmite movies – its glacial pace, grubby intensity and frequent brutality will turn some viewers off, but fans of more “alternative” cinema will find much to enjoy here.  There’s a blasted beauty to its imagery (this is BY FAR the bleakest the Outback’s ever looked on film), while the screenplay from relative unknown Shaun Grant (adapting Peter Carey’s bestselling novel) is STRONG, delivering rich character development and sublime dialogue, and Kurzel delivers some brilliantly offbeat and inventive action beats in the latter half that are well worth the wait.  Evocative, intense and undeniable, this has just the kind of irreverent punk aesthetic that I’m sure the real life Ned Kelly would have approved of …

9.  JUST MERCY – more true-life cinema, this time presenting an altogether classier account of two idealists’ struggle to overturn horrific racial injustices in Alabama. Writer-director Destin Daniel Cretton (Short Term 12, The Glass Castle) brings heart, passion and honest nobility to the story of fresh-faced young lawyer Bryan Stevenson (Michael B. Jordan) and his personal crusade to free Walter “Johnny D” McMillan (Jamie Foxx), an African-American man wrongfully sentenced to death for the murder of a white woman.  His only ally is altruistic young paralegal Eva Ansley (Cretton’s regular screen muse Brie Larson), while the opposition arrayed against them is MAMMOTH – not only do they face the cruelly racist might of the Alabama legal system circa 1989, but a corrupt local police force determined to circumvent his efforts at every turn and a thoroughly disinterested prosecutor, Tommy Chapman (Rafe Spall), who’s far too concerned with his own personal political ambitions to be any help.  The cast are uniformly excellent, Jordan and Foxx particularly impressing with career best performances that sear themselves deep into the memory, while there’s a truly harrowing supporting turn from Rob Morgan as Johnny D’s fellow Death Row inmate Herbert, whose own execution date is fast approaching.  This is courtroom drama at its most gripping, Cretton keeping the inherent tension cranked up tight while tugging hard on our heartstrings for maximum effect, and the result is a timely, racially-charged throat-lumper of considerable power and emotional heft that guarantees there won’t be a single dry eye in the house by the time the credits roll.  Further proof, then, that Destin Daniel Cretton is one of those rare talents of his generation – next up is his tour of duty in the MCU with Shang-Chi & the Legend of the Ten Rings, and if this seems like a strange leftfield turn given his previous track record, I nevertheless have the utmost confidence in him after seeing this …

8.  UNDERWATER – at first glance, this probably seems like a strange choice for the year’s current Top Ten – a much-maligned, commercially underperforming glorified B-movie creature-feature headlined by the former star of the Twilight franchise, there’s no way that could be any good, surely?  Well hold your horses, folks, because not only is this very much worth your time and a comprehensive suspension of your low expectations, but I can’t even consider this a guilty pleasure – as far as I’m concerned this is a GENUINELY GREAT FILM, without reservation.  The man behind the camera is William Eubank, a director whose career I’ve been following with great interest since his feature debut Love (a decidedly oddball but strangely beautiful little space movie) and its more high profile but still unapologetically INDIE follow-up The Signal, and this is the one where he finally delivers wholeheartedly on all that wonderful sci-fi potential.  The plot is deceptively simple – an industrial conglomerate has established an instillation drilling right down to the very bottom of the Marianas Trench, the deepest point in our Earth’s oceans, only for an unknown disaster to leave six survivors from the operation’s permanent crew stranded miles below the surface with very few escape options left – but Eubank and writers Brian Duffield (Jane Got a Gun, Insurgent) and Adam Cozad (The Legend of Tarzan) wring all the possible suspense and fraught, claustrophobic terror out of the premise to deliver a piano wire-tense horror thriller that grips from its sudden start to a wonderfully cathartic climax.  The small but potent cast are all on top form, Vincent Cassel, Jessica Henwick (Netflix’ Iron Fist) and John Gallagher Jr. (Hush, 10 Cloverfield Lane) particularly impressing, and even the decidedly hit-and-miss T.J. Miller delivers a surprisingly likeable turn here, but it’s that Twilight alumnus who REALLY sticks in your memory here – Kristen Stewart’s been doing a pretty good job lately distancing herself from the role that, unfortunately, both made her name and turned her into an object of (rather unfair) derision for many years, but in my opinion THIS is the performance that REALLY separates her from Bella effing-Swan.  Mechanical engineer Norah Price is tough, ingenious and fiercely determined, but with the right amount of vulnerability that we really root for her, and Stewart acts her little heart out in a turn sure to win over her strongest detractors. The creature effects are impressive too, the ultimate threat proving some of the nastiest, most repulsively icky creations I’ve seen committed to film, and the inspired design work and strong visual effects easily belie the film’s B-movie leanings.  Those made uneasy by deep, dark open water or tight, enclosed spaces should take heed that this can be a tough watch, but anyone who likes being scared should find plenty to enjoy here.  Altogether a MUCH better film than its mediocre Rotten Tomatoes rating makes it out to be …

7.  ONWARD – Disney and Pixar’s latest digitally animated family feature clearly has a love of tabletop fantasy roleplay games like Dungeons & Dragons, its quirky modern-day AU take populated by fantastical races and creatures seemingly tailor-made for the geek crowd … needless to say, me and many of my friends absolutely loved it. That doesn’t mean that the classic Disney ideals of love, family and believing in yourself have been sidelined in favour of fan-service – this is as heartfelt, affecting and tearful as their previous standouts, albeit with plenty of literal magic added to the metaphorical kind.  The central premise is a clever one – once upon a time, magic was commonplace, but over the years technology came along to make life easier, so that in the present day the various races (elves, centaurs, fauns, pixies, goblins and trolls among others) get along fine without it.  Then timid elf Ian Lightfoot (Tom Holland) receives a wizard’s staff for his sixteenth birthday, a bequeathed gift from his father, who died before he was born, with instructions for a spell that could bring him back to life for one whole day.  Encouraged by his brash, over-confident wannabe adventurer elder brother Barley (Chris Pratt), Ian tries it out, only for the spell to backfire, leaving them with the animated bottom half of their father and just 24 hours to find a means to restore the rest of him before time runs out.  Cue an “epic quest” … needless to say, this is another top-notch offering from the original masters of the craft, a fun, affecting and thoroughly infectious family-friendly romp with a winning sense of humour and inspired, flawless world-building.  Holland and Pratt are both fantastic, their odd-couple chemistry effortlessly driving the story through its ingenious paces, and the ensuing emotional fireworks are hilarious and heartbreaking in equal measure, while there’s typically excellent support from Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine from Seinfeld) as Ian and Barley’s put-upon but supportive mum, Laurel, Octavia Spencer as once-mighty adventurer-turned-restaurateur “Corey” the Manticore and Mel Rodriguez (Getting On, The Last Man On Earth) as overbearing centaur cop (and Laurel’s new boyfriend) Colt Bronco.  The film marks the sophomore feature gig for Dan Scanlon, who debuted with 2013’s sequel Monsters University, and while that was enjoyable enough I ultimately found it non-essential – no such verdict can be levelled against THIS film, the writer-director delivering magnificently in all categories, while the animation team have outdone themselves in every scene, from the exquisite world-building and character/creature designs to some fantastic (and frequently delightfully bonkers) set-pieces, while there’s a veritable riot of brilliant RPG in-jokes to delight geekier viewers (gelatinous cube! XD).  Massive, unadulterated fun, frequently hilarious and absolutely BURSTING with Disney’s trademark heart, this is currently (and deservedly) my animated feature of the year.  It’s certainly gonna be a tough one to beat …

6.  THE GENTLEMEN – Guy Ritchie’s been having a rough time with his last few movies (The Man From UNCLE didn’t do too bad but it wasn’t exactly a hit and was largely overlooked or simply ignored critically, while intended franchise-starter King Arthur: Legend of the Sword was largely derided and suffered badly on release, dying a quick death financially – it’s a shame on both counts, because I really liked them), so it’s nice to see him having some proper success with his latest, even if he has basically reverted to type to do it.  Still, when his newest London gangster flick is THIS GOOD it seems churlish to quibble – this really is what he does best, bringing together a collection of colourful geezers and shaking up their status quo, then standing back and letting us enjoy the bloody, expletive-riddled results. This particularly motley crew is another winning selection, led by Matthew McConaughey as ruthlessly successful cannabis baron Mickey Pearson, who’s looking to retire from the game by selling off his massive and highly lucrative enterprise for a most tidy sum (some $400,000,000 to be precise) to up-and-coming fellow American ex-pat Matthew Berger (Succession’s Jeremy Strong, oozing sleazy charm), only for local Chinese triad Dry Eye (Crazy Rich Asians’ Henry Golding, chewing the scenery with enthusiasm) to start throwing spanners into the works with the intention of nabbing the deal for himself for a significant discount.  Needless to say Mickey’s not about to let that happen … McConaughey is ON FIRE here, the best he’s been since Dallas Buyers Club in my opinion, clearly having great fun sinking his teeth into this rich character and Ritchie’s typically sparkling, razor-witted dialogue, and he’s ably supported by a uniformly excellent ensemble cast, particularly co-star Charlie Hunnam as Mickey’s ice-cold, steel-nerved right-hand-man Raymond Smith, Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery as his classy, strong-willed wife Rosalind, Colin Farrell as a wise-cracking, quietly exasperated MMA trainer and small-time hood simply known as the Coach (who gets many of the film’s best lines), and, most notably, Hugh Grant as the film’s nominal narrator, thoroughly morally bankrupt private investigator Fletcher, who consistently steals the film.  This is Guy Ritchie at his very best – a twisty rug-puller of a plot that constantly leaves you guessing, brilliantly observed and richly drawn characters you can’t help loving in spite of the fact there’s not a single hero among them, a deliciously unapologetic, politically incorrect sense of humour and a killer soundtrack.  It got the cinematic year off to a cracking start, and looks set to stay high in the running for the remainder – it’s EASILY Ritchie’s best film since Sherlock Holmes, and a strong call-back to the heady days of Snatch (STILL my favourite) and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.  Here’s hoping he’s on a roll again, eh?

5.  THE INVISIBLE MAN – looks like third time’s a charm for Leigh Whannell, writer-director of my current horror movie of the year – while he’s had immense success as a horror writer over the years (co-creator of both the Saw and Insidious franchises), as a director his first two features haven’t exactly set the world alight, with debut Insidious: Chapter III garnering similar takes to the rest of the series but ultimately turning out to be a bit of a damp squib quality-wise, while his second feature Upgrade was a stone-cold masterpiece that was (rightly) EXTREMELY well received critically, but ultimately snuck in under the radar and has remained a stubbornly hidden gem since.  No such problems with his third feature, though – his latest collaboration with producer Jason Blum and his insanely lucrative Blumhouse Pictures has proven a massive hit both financially AND with reviewers, and deservedly so.  Having given up on trying to create a shared cinematic universe inhabited by their classic monsters, Universal have resolved to concentrate on standalones to showcase their elite properties, and their first try is a rousing success, Whannell bringing HG Wells’ dark and devious human monster smack into the 21st Century as only he can.  The result is a surprisingly subtle piece of work, much more a lethally precise exercise in cinematic sleight of hand and extraordinary acting than flashy visual effects, very much adhering to the Blumhouse credo of maximum returns for minimum bucks as the story is stripped right back to its bare essentials and allowed to play out without any unnecessary weight.  The Handmaid’s Tale’s Elizabeth Moss once again confirms what a masterful actress she is as she brings all her performing weapons to bear in the role of Cecelia “Cee” Kass, the cloistered wife of affluent but monstrously abusive optics pioneer Aidan Griffin (Netflix’ The Haunting of Hill House’s Oliver Jackson-Cohen), who escapes his clutches in the furiously tense opening sequence and goes to ground with the help of her closest childhood friend, San Francisco cop James Lanier (Leverage’s Aldis Hodge) and his teenage daughter Sydney (A Wrinkle in Time’s Storm Reid).  Two weeks later, Aidan commits suicide, leaving Cee with a fortune to start her life over (with the proviso that she’s never ruled mentally incompetent), but as she tries to find her way in the world again little things start going wrong for her, and she begins to question if there might be something insidious going on.  As her nerves start to unravel, she begins to suspect that Aidan is still alive, still very much in her life, fiendishly toying with her and her friends, but no-one can see him.  Whannell plays her paranoia up for all it’s worth, skilfully teasing out the scares so that, just like her friends, we begin to wonder if it might all in her head after all, before a spectacular mid-movie reveal throws the switch into high gear and the true threat becomes clear.  The lion’s share of the film’s immense success must of course go to Moss – her performance is BEYOND a revelation, a truly blistering career best turn that totally powers the whole enterprise, and it almost goes without saying that she’s the best thing in this.  Even so, she has sterling support from Hodge and Reid, as well as Love Child’s Harriet Dyer as Cee’s estranged big sister Emily and Wonderland’s Michael Dorman as Adrian’s slimy, spineless lawyer brother Tom, and, while he doesn’t have much actual (ahem) “screen time”, Jackson-Cohen delivers a fantastically icy, subtly malevolent turn which casts a large “shadow” over the film.  This is one of my very favourite Blumhouse films, a pitch-perfect psychological chiller that keeps the tension cranked up unbearably tight and never lets go, Whannell once again displaying uncanny skill with expert jump-scares, knuckle-whitening chills and a truly astounding standout set-piece that looks set to go down as one of the year’s top action sequences.  Undoubtedly the best version of Wells’ story to date, this goes a long way in repairing the damage of Universal’s abortive “Dark Universe” efforts, as well as showcasing a filmmaking master at the very height of his talents.

4.  EXTRACTION – the Coronavirus certainly has thrown a massive spanner in the works of this year’s cinematic calendar – the new A Quiet Place sequel should have been setting the big screen alight for almost two months now, while the latest (and most long-awaited) MCU movie, Black Widow, should have just opened to further record-breaking box office success, but instead the theatres are all closed and virtually all the big blockbusters have been pushed back or shelved indefinitely. Thank God, then, for the streaming services, particularly Hulu, Amazon and Netflix, the latter of which provided a perfect movie for us to see through the key transition from spring to the summer blockbuster season, an explosively flashy big budget action thriller ushered in by MCU alumni the Russo Brothers (who produced and co-wrote this adaptation of Ciudad, a graphic novel that Joe Russo co-created with Ande Parks and Fernando Leon Gonzalez) and barely able to contain the sheer star-power wattage of its lead, Thor himself.  Chris Hemsworth plays Tyler Rake, a former Australian SAS operative who hires out his services to an extraction operation, under the command of mercenary Nik Khan (The Patience Stone’s Golshifteh Farahani), brought in to liberate Ovi Mahajan (Rudhraksh Jaiswal in his first major role), the pre-teen son of incarcerated Indian crime lord Ovi Sr. (Pankaj Tripathi), who has been abducted by Bangladeshi rival Amir Asif (Priyanshu Painyuli).  The rescue itself goes perfectly, but when the time comes for the hand-off the team is double-crossed and Tyler is left stranded in the middle of Dhaka with no choice but to keep Ovi alive as every corrupt cop and street gang in the city closes in around them.  This is the feature debut of Sam Hargrave, the latest stuntman to try his hand at directing, so he certainly knows his way around an action sequence, and the result is a thoroughly breathless adrenaline rush of a film, bursting at the seams with spectacular fights, gun battles and car chases, dominated by a stunning sustained action sequence that plays out in one long shot, guaranteed to leave jaws lying on the floor.  Not that there should be any surprise – Hargrave cut his teeth as a stunt coordinator for the Russos on Captain America: Civil War and their Avengers films.  That said, he displays strong talent for the quieter disciplines of filmmaking too, delivering quality character development and drawing out consistently noteworthy performances from his cast.  Of course, Hemsworth can do the action stuff in his sleep, but there’s a lot more to Tyler than just his muscle, the MCU veteran investing him with real wounded vulnerability and a tragic fatalism which colours his every scene, while Jaiswal is exceptional throughout, showing plenty of promise for the future, and there’s strong support from Farahani and Painyuli, as well as Stranger Things’s David Harbour as world-weary retired merc Gaspard, and a particularly impressive, muscular turn from Randeep Hooda (Once Upon a Time in Mumbai) as Saju, a former Para and Ovi’s bodyguard, who’s determined to take possession of the boy himself, even if he has to go through Tyler to get him.  This is action cinema that really deserves to be seen on the big screen – I watched it twice in a week and would happily have paid for two trips to the cinema for it if I could have.  As we look down the barrel of a summer season largely devoid of big blockbuster fare, I can’t recommend this film enough.  Thank the gods for Netflix …

3.  PARASITE – I’ve been a fan of master Korean filmmaker Bong Joon-ho ever since I stumbled across his deeply weird but also thoroughly brilliant breakthrough feature The Host, and it’s a love that’s deepened since thanks to the truly magnificent sci-fi actioner Snowpiercer, so I was looking forward to his latest feature as much as any movie geek, but even I wasn’t prepared for just what a runaway juggernaut of a hit this one turned out to be, from the insane box office to all that award-season glory (especially that undeniable clean-sweep at the Oscars). I’ll just come out and say it, this film deserves it all.  It’s EASILY Bong’s best film to date (which is really saying something), a masterful social satire and jet black comedy that raises some genuinely intriguing questions before delivering some deeply troubling answers.  Straddling the ever-widening gulf between a disaffected idle rich upper class and impoverished, struggling lower class in modern-day Seoul, it tells the story of the Kim family – father Ki-taek (Bong’s veritable good luck charm Song Kang-ho), mother Chung-sook (Jang Hye-jin), son Ki-woo (Train to Busan’s Choi Woo-shik) and daughter Ki-jung (The Silenced’s Park So-dam) – a poor family living in a run-down basement apartment who live hand-to-mouth in minimum wage jobs and can barely rub two cents together, until they’re presented with an intriguing opportunity.  Through happy chance, Ki-woon is hired as an English tutor for Park Da-hye (Jung Ji-so), the daughter of a wealthy family, which offers him the chance to recommend Ki-jung as an art tutor to the Parks’ troubled young son, Da-song (Jung Hyeon-jun).  Soon the rest of the Kims are getting in on the act, the young Kims contriving opportunities for their father to replace Mr Park’s chauffeur and their mother to oust the family’s long-serving housekeeper, Gook Moon-gwang (Lee Jung-eun), and before long their situation has improved dramatically.  But as they two families become more deeply entwined, cracks begin to show in their supposed blissful harmony as the natural prejudices of their respective classes start to take hold, and as events spiral out of control a terrible confrontation looms on the horizon.  This is social commentary at its most scathing, Bong drawing on personal experiences from his youth to inform the razor-sharp script (co-written by his production assistant Han Jin-won), while he weaves a palpable atmosphere of knife-edged tension throughout to add spice to the perfectly observed dark humour of the situation, all the while throwing intriguing twists and turns at us before suddenly dropping such a massive jaw-dropper of a gear-change that the film completely turns on its head, to stunning effect.  The cast are all thoroughly astounding, Song once again dominating the film with a turn which is at once sloppy and dishevelled but also poignant and heartfelt, while there are particularly noteworthy turns from Lee Sun-kyun as the Parks’ self-absorbed patriarch Dong-ik and Choi Yeo-jeong (The Concubine) as his flighty, easily-led wife Choi Yeon-gyo, as well as a fantastically weird appearance in the latter half from Park Myung-hoon.  This is heady stuff, dangerously seductive even as it becomes increasingly uncomfortable viewing, so that even as the screws tighten and everything goes to hell it’s simply impossible to look away.  Bong Joon-ho really has surpassed himself this time, delivering an existential mind-scrambler that lingers long after the credits have rolled and might even have you questioning your place in society once you’ve thought about it some. It deserves every single award and every ounce of praise it’s been lavished with so far, and looks set to go down as one of the true cinematic greats of this new decade.  Trust me, if this was a purely critical best-of list it’d be RIGHT AT THE TOP …

2.  1917 – it’s a rare thing for a film to leave me truly shell-shocked by its sheer awesomeness, for me to walk out of a cinema in a genuine daze, unable to talk or even really think about much of anything for a few hours because I’m simply marvelling at what I’ve just witnessed.  Needless to say, when I do find a film like that (Fight Club, Inception, Mad Max: Fury Road) it usually earns a place very close to my heart indeed.  The latest tour-de-force from Sam Mendes is one of those films – an epic World War I thriller that plays out ENTIRELY in one shot, which doesn’t simply feel like a glorified gimmick or stunt but instead is a genuine MASTERPIECE of a film, a mesmerising journey of emotion and imagination in a shockingly real environment that it’s impossible to tear your eyes away from.  Sure, Mendes has impressed us before – his first film, American Beauty, is a GREAT movie, one of the most impressive feature debuts of the 2000s, while Skyfall is, in my opinion, quite simply THE BEST BOND FILM EVER MADE – but this is in a whole other league.  It’s an astounding achievement, made all the more impressive when you realise that there’s very little trickery at play here, no clever digital magic (just some augmentation here and there), it’s all real locations and sets, filmed in long, elaborately choreographed takes blended together with clever edits to make it as seamless as possible – it’s not the first film to try to do this (remember Birdman? Bushwick?), but I’ve never seen it done better, or with greater skill. But it’s not just a clever cinematic exercise, there’s a genuine story here, told with guts and urgency, and populated by real flesh and blood characters – the heart of the film is George MacKay and Dean Chapman (probably best known as Tommen Baratheon in Game of Thrones) as Lance Corporals Will Schofield and Tom Blake, the two young tommies sent out across enemy territory on a desperate mission to stop a British regiment from rushing headlong into a German trap (Tom himself has a personal stake in this because his brother is an officer in the attack).  They’re a likeable pair, very human and relatable throughout, brave and true but never so overly heroic that they stretch credibility, so when tragedy strikes along the way it’s particularly devastating; both deliver exceptional performances that effortlessly carry us through the film, and they’re given sterling support from a selection of top-drawer British talent, from Sherlock stars Andrew Scott and Benedict Cumberbatch to Mark Strong and Colin Firth, each delivering magnificently in small but potent cameos.  That said, the cinematography and art department are the BIGGEST stars here, masterful veteran DoP Roger Deakins (The Shawshank Redemption, Blade Runner 2049 and pretty much the Coen Brothers’ entire back catalogue among MANY others) making every frame sing with beauty, horror, tension or tragedy as the need arises, and the environments are SO REAL it feels less like production design than that someone simply sent the cast and crew back in time to film in the real Northern France circa 1917 – from a nightmarish trek across No Man’s Land to a desperate chase through a ruined French village lit only by dancing flare-light in the darkness before dawn, every scene is totally immersive and simply STUNNING.  I don’t think it’s possible for Mendes to make a film better than this, but I sure hope he gives it a go all the same.  Either way, this is the most incredible, exhausting, truly AWESOME experience I’ve had at the cinema this year (so far) – it’s a film that DESERVES to be seen on the big screen, and I feel truly sorry for those who missed the chance …

1.  BIRDS OF PREY & THE FANTABULOUS EMANCIPATION OF ONE HARLEY QUINN – the only reason 1917 isn’t at number one right now is because Warner Bros.’ cinematic DC Extended Universe project FINALLY got round to bringing my favourite DC Comics title to the big screen.  It’s been the biggest pleasure of my cinematic year so far getting to see my top DC superheroines brought to life on the big screen, and it’s been done in high style, in my opinion THE BEST of the DCEU films to date (yup, I loved it EVEN MORE than Wonder Woman).  It was also great seeing Harley Quinn return after her show-stealing turn in David Ayer’s clunky but ultimately still hugely enjoyable Suicide Squad, better still that this time round they got her SPOT ON this time – this is the Harley I’ve always loved in the comics, unpredictable, irreverent and entirely without regard for what anyone else thinks of her, as well as one hell of a talented psychiatrist.  Margot Robbie once more excels in the role she was basically BORN to play, clearly relishing the chance to finally do Harley justice, and she’s a total riot from start to finish, infectiously lovable no matter what crazy, sometimes downright REPRIHENSIBLE antics she gets up to.  Needless to say she’s the nominal star here, her latest ill-advised adventure driving the story – finally done with the Joker and itching to make her emancipation official, Harley publicly announces their breakup by blowing up Ace Chemicals (their love spot, basically), inadvertently painting a target on her back in the process since she’s no longer under the supposed protection of Gotham’s feared Clown Prince of Crime – but that doesn’t mean she eclipses the other main players the movie’s REALLY supposed to be about. Each member of the Birds of Prey is beautifully written and brought to vivid, arse-kicking life by what has to be the year’s most exciting cast – Helena Bertinelli, aka the Huntress, is the perfect character for Mary Elizabeth Winstead to finally pay off on that action heroine potential she showed in Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World, but this is a MUCH more enjoyable role outside of the fight choreography because while Helena may be a world-class dark avenger, socially she’s a total dork, which just makes her thoroughly adorable; Rosie Perez is similarly perfect casting as Renee Montoya, the uncompromising pint-sized Gotham PD detective who kicks against the corrupt system no matter what kind of trouble it gets her into, and just gets angrier all the time, paradoxically making us like her even more; and then there’s the film’s major controversy, at least as far as the fans are concerned, namely one Cassandra Cain.  Sure, this take is VERY different from the comics’ version (a nearly mute master assassin who went on to become the second woman to wear the mask of Batgirl before assuming her own crime-fighting  mantle as Black Bat and now Orphan), but personally I like to think this is simply Cass at THE VERY START of her origin story, leaving plenty of time for her to discovery her warrior origins when the DCEU gets around to introducing Lady Shiva (personally I want Michelle Yeoh to play her, but that’s just me) – anyways, here she’s a skilled child pickpocket whose latest theft inadvertently sets off the larger central plot, and newcomer Ella Jay Basco brings a fantastic pre-teen irreverence and spiky charm to the role, beautifully playing against Robbie’s mercurial energy.  My favourite here BY FAR, however, is Dinah Lance, aka the Black Canary (not only my favourite Bird of Prey but my very favourite DC superheroine PERIOD), the choice of up-and-comer Jurnee Smollet-Bell (Friday Night Lights, Underground) proving to be the film’s most truly inspired casting – a club singer with the metahuman ability to emit piercing supersonic screams, she’s also a truly ferocious martial artist (in the comics she’s one of the very best fighters IN THE WORLD), as well as a wonderfully pure soul you just can’t help loving, and it made me SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY that they got my Canary EXACTLY RIGHT.  Altogether they’re a fantastic bunch, basically my perfect superhero team, and the way they’re all brought together (along with Harley, of course) is beautifully thought out and perfectly executed … they’ve also got one hell of a threat to overcome, namely Gotham crime boss Roman Sionis, aka the Black Mask, one of the Joker’s chief rivals – Ewan McGregor brings his A-game in a frustratingly rare villainous turn (currently my number one bad guy for the movie year), a monstrously narcissistic, woman-hating control freak with a penchant for peeling off the faces of those who displease him, sharing some exquisitely creepy chemistry with Chris Messina (The Mindy Project) as Sionis’ nihilistic lieutenant Victor Zsasz. This is about as good as superhero cinema gets, a perfect example of the sheer brilliance you get when you switch up the formula to create something new, an ultra-violent, unapologetically R-rated middle finger to the classic tropes, a fantastic black comedy thrill ride that’s got to be the most full-on feminist blockbuster yet – it’s helmed by a woman (Dead Pigs director Cathy Yan), written by a woman (Bumblebee’s Christina Hodson), produced by more women and ABOUT a bunch of badass women magnificently triumphing over toxic masculinity in all its forms.  It’s also simply BRILLIANT – the cast are all clearly having a blast, the action sequences are first rate (the spectacular GCPD evidence room fight in which Harley gets to REALLY cut loose is the undisputable highlight), it has a gleefully anarchic sense of humour and is simply BURSTING with phenomenal homages, references and in-jokes for the fans (Bruce the hyena! Stuffed beaver! Roller derby!).  It’s also got a killer soundtrack, populated almost exclusively by numbers from female artists.  Altogether, then, this is the VERY BEST the DCEU has to offer to date (Wonder Woman 1984 has got a MAJOR job ahead of it beating this one), and my absolute FAVOURITE film of 2020 (so far).  Give it all the love you can, it sure as hell deserves it.