#like okAY GOOGLE i GET IT i have bpd

[voltstone]

ERICSON'S WALLFLOWER

or bpd as a twdg fandom essay, & violet's analysis

[Mar.26-29.2024 | 27,991]

Throughout my time spent within the TWDG fandom—since late 2019, early 2020—, Violet as not merely a love interest but a character exists as the fandom’s staunch polarization. And the funny thing?

I get it. A lot.

Much of what I’ve read into this character has been extrapolated from my own experiences, and those experiences speak to an inherent, polarizing chaos. It’s something that’s quite honestly a purgatory to try and articulate—I have tried—, and another bane to hope that people will get it. At least, enough to not just sweep my words under the rug. This essay is ultimately a trial to see if I’ve done enough work with myself, both emotionally and in writing, to be able to explain this to those none the wiser, or to the some who feel the same things, but have yet to hear it spoken with absolute clarity.

Through a fandom essay, no less. Specifically about a video game character who grows on people—Louis promises so.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Nobody really likes to talk about it. Too many times in my life, I’ve had people sweep it under the rug because it is not a pretty thing, in times where I was pleading for help; often, in presence of the wrong crowd, it feels like a target nailed to my back.

It’s intrenched within stigma. And what’s difficult about that is…, yeah. I get why. There’s no mystery to it.

…yet there is so much people do not understand because not talking about it is so much easier, and the joke is, talk therapy is quite literally BPD’s primary treatment.

And so let’s talk about it. Allow me to pull away the confusion this disorder brings, and lay it out—as best I can—in a more digestible manner, through a deconstruction of Violet. I’ll have a little fun with it. However, if this essay reads in a more…straightforward tone compared to the couple others I’ve written now, it should. I’ve attempted to write this in a more lighthearted language before, but it didn’t really get the message across well, I would slip to this anyway, so. Yeah. I will still be conversational, just less so.

With that, however, this is another long essay. I hope you enjoy. :)

[Given the subject matter & the inclusion of my own experiences, take heed. This discussion is sensitive. W/ my experiences, I assure you I'm fine. I speak from a place where I’ve worked through my experiences.]

[Also, to stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale: I reference Louis and one of your essays about him, hence the @. But this thing's real long and about Violet, and stuff. Lol.]

[Briefly, but Exhaustively, to Clarify]

Before any discussion of BPD, then Violet’s deconstruction, a few things.

One. No, I’m not outright diagnosing Violet with BPD. She isn’t diagnosed in the game. I’ve not heard anything by Telltale or anyone associated remark BPD either. None of the schoolkids, for the matter, are diagnosed because it’s not that kind of story. The most we’re given is a narrative that explores their patterns in behavior, and then one…“diagnosis” with Willy. That being the, uh, chronic masturbation. (No, I did not think masturbation would be included in this discussion, but here we are. Thanks, you bug-eyed child.) Even then, however, that was likely a symptom of a larger issue with Willy.

Instead, I like this character. I see a lot of myself in this character, recognize the patterns she exhibits, and I’m hardly the first to associate Violet with BPD—since though she’s not diagnosed…, she is a little bit textbook. I’ve also seen a lot of the fandom misinterpret, preemptively judge, Violet for the things she does.

And I don’t mean the confusion and betrayal players feel should they save Louis over Violet. That reaction is normal. Yes, feel confused and betrayed. Because that’s the intention. What I take issue with, and part of why I’ve wanted to write this for a long while, is the…undertones beneath what is generally said. The opinions, too, that go along with it. All of which, ultimately, feed into the stigma that BPD is so intrenched within. The ignorance, and the refusal to understand both why and how.

So I do this through Violet because I adore TWDG, I’m in a TWDG mood, and, she is actually a phenomenal example to use for discussions around BPD. No, she’s not canonically diagnosed, but, it is better to explain a character by using a researched concept, just as much as it’s easier to explain said concept through a fictional example.

…and myself.

This essay will have a lot of commentary based around my experiences. A lot of this disorder’s stigmatization makes it difficult to find good information to understand what it does—specifically from the perspective of the borderline personality, not observers—, because…it’s just not the same as ADHD or depression, which have been big talking points within the recent years. I also have ADHD—runs in the family. That said, conversations in mental health has its fair share of stigma regardless, it’s just that BPD…does not help itself, largely due to the concepts I’ll be going over.

Also, I am very similar to Violet, down to how we dress, but also in personality. We’re not the same, but there’s enough where I feel like I can explain a lot of this character in relation to BPD. Because it’s a personality disorder. In similar personalities, the disorder will—more often than not—present itself the same way.

This does lead me to a third: as much as I’d like to say that this discussion will be the absolute, universal truth, the reality is no, this discussion will likely have blind-spots. It won’t be universal. For a myriad of reasons.

BPD is, again, a personality disorder. Its expression is entirely dependent on the personality, and the experiences established. So anyone who is not an indifferent/apathetic person, who is more extroverted and not the marginal recluse that I am, there will be aspects of this that won’t align. The rudimentary concepts may apply, but the expressions and emotional processings behind these concepts may not.

This also bleeds into the fact that BPD overlaps with many conditions, and traits of the disorder can be found elsewhere. Which, quite frankly, is fairly standard for most disorders, because it’s about the expression and amalgamation of the traits, not the traits themselves. So, as I discuss BPD, you’ll likely find yourself relating to certain points.

Do not take this to mean that you yourself have borderline.

Well, okay. You might. There’s nothing wrong with doing research, and to evaluate all of your resources. Keep in mind, however, there is a difference between one condition relating to another, and one BPD relating to a likewise diagnosis.

BPD overlaps with many conditions (like ADHD); it shares many traits in others.

The reasons for it includes how BPD is developed, where the development will be alongside other conditions—like, say, PTSD—, or other conditions may predispose the condition—ADHD—, or, or, both.

And then, some of this relatability is due to language. There are limitations in the words I choose, especially when this essay is intended for a wider audience. When I say, I go from 0 to 100, you may know precisely what I’m putting down, or, your 0 to 100 is my 0 to 10. And there will be that barrier in understanding because…we’re different people, with different experiences, living alongside different conditions.

Some of you reading will just never understand what it means to get whiplashed by your emotions at the drop of a dime, where you’re perfectly fine one minute, and then you feel like you’re about to have a heart attack the next because someone said something, and you don’t understand why it hurt you the way it did, but it did, and you’ve already lost your shit, but you don’t want to do anything, but you can’t trust that you won’t… All…with the guilt that it is happening again, and you should have known better, and it’s all your fault…

Yeah. It’s okay if you don’t understand what that’s like. And to be quite blunt, if you don’t, be grateful. BPD isn’t fun for anyone. There are slight blessings, but those are gravely overshadowed.

Given that I do expect a lot of people reading this won’t understand, this essay will be exhaustive. I don’t really want to cut corners, even though certain aspects of my experiences will be kept to myself, and not everything about this disorder can be related to a video game character.

I do want to give it its due. The drafts before fell into the trap of not articulating precisely what I wanted, with the transparency I needed.

…hence why it’s long, but with that, let’s start with understanding BPD at its core.

[BPD, in Experience, as an Introduction]

So. Borderline Personality Disorder.

Boiled down, it is purely the complete lack of, or, the severe impairment of emotional regulation.

That’s it.

That is literally all it is. And in understanding that, it explains (in part) how and why many of you may relate to certain aspects throughout this essay—emotions, and the (dys)regulation thereof, are integral to each and every one of us.

However, BPD is distinct, and I will comb through the how and why in this section. It is quite simplistic when boiled down, but this synopsis implicates everything about a person.

It is also. Not. Bipolar Disorder.

(Yeah, let me just kick this out of the way.) 

Bipolar Disorder is about the brain chemistry, and is defined by manic and depressive swings.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the personality. It’s systemic to the person. Could someone with BPD also have bipolar? Well, yes, which doesn’t help in the confusion, but to be the least bit informative, those instances often imply a specific BPD type (comorbid).

[Further resources will be linked at the end, for the BPD types, relationship with bipolar, and additional elements to come. For the sake of the essay, I won’t delve into this in-depth.]

This nuance—comorbid-BPD and bipolar—illustrates how complicated of a conversation BPD is. Again, it’s why this essay will be exhaustive, but also selective in what it covers.

Including, but not limited to, this kind of nuance.

To embark what a severe impairment/lack of emotional regulation means, it’s important first to establish the working definition of what emotions are—the definition, at least, which this essay utilizes.

Emotions are the reactionary senses of the body. Where sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing are the immediate feedback from the environment to the body, the emotions are the immediate responses to the stimuli, to prompt our actions thereafter.

Our relationship to our emotions is a very complicated one, because…we physically feel our emotions, which can be conflated with the feedback from our environment. Comprehension is also required to understand what, exactly, these emotions are signaling to us, because an environment isn’t just physical. Social, cultural, and psychological environments are included. 

If you ever wonder what, exactly, a dog with the intelligence of a 3-year-old actually means, it’s their comprehension level of their emotions. These dogs are feeling the same emotions as a 3-year-old, and a 30-year-old. But there’s a catch: dogs don’t do the whole language acquisition thing like we do. Language acquisition being the learning process we undergo in our youth, because we are wired to speak and derive meaning through vocal, then visual, patterns.

I say this because a lot of emotions are, physically, perceived the same way, but we use language to distinguish one from another because contexts do matter. And they matter a lot.

Like, what’s the difference between lust and common excitement? They both feel similar, don’t they? But, lust is specific to a defined context.

And in this way, language absolutely contributes to the complexity of emotions.

But ultimately, emotions are just there to tell you what comforts you, and what doesn’t. It establishes what kind of environment you feel safe within, or at risk; the gradient within that establishes what you prefer, what you can tolerate. So the places you go to. The people you surround yourself with. Your interests. Activities. How you want to present yourself. Your morals, and ambitions. Identity and sense of self.

All of it is prompted by emotion, and your comprehension of that—ultimately through language—establishes how you respond.

How we actually navigate this is through regulation. Or rather, the process of self-comprehension, where an individual has to evaluate a situation, their internal reaction to such stimuli (both in thought and feelings), and the appropriate behavioral response. Dysregulation, then, is where that process is faulty.

So as we mature into adulthood, and our learned behaviors are set in stone (more or less; old dog, new trick or something), we’ve ideally learned how to comprehend these emotions, how to use language to articulate them and relay them to others, and find what is comfortable and what isn’t.

People get in the way of themselves, however.

For some fucking reason, we think we’re so fucking smart because we can talk, and we got thumbs, and we, like, stand on two feet. Or if we don’t got two fucking feet, we can build a wheely chair to sit our asses down.

And? We like to convince ourselves that we know better than our emotions, to the point where they’re disregarded. Of course, social contexts, understanding how your actions may impact others—those are all nuances which, yes, our emotions may not respect, but we do.

In regards to when people refuse to acknowledge emotions for what they are…

Piece of advice, from someone with BPD, emotions run like rivers. You do not decide what that river’s water is, how much there will be, and when it will flood. What you can decide is what canals to dig to retroactively contain that river, when to do that, and to establish how to treat the different flooding waters. You will drown if you think you can just ignore them.

Because the funny thing about water? If you fall high enough, land the wrong way, you might as well have hit stone.

In this way, emotions are devastating, and the mind and body has many mechanisms to deploy should an individual be constantly bombarded, and there is a need to prioritize our primary senses—touch, smell, sight… To prioritize a survival.

Take DID, for instance, where often it’s the mind “divorcing” itself into several identities in order to protect and shield the host from further trauma. There are many, many disorders like this where the brain deploys its failsafe, but that failsafe comes at a price.

BPD is, effectively, what happens when one of these mechanisms deploy, but the cost cripples an integral function to the human experience. It cripples the capability to dig those canals, redirect those rivers, and it can even imply a blindness to what kind of water is flooding.

…in many respects, this implies that BPD is, inherently, a disorder rooted in other conditions, just set to the absolute extreme. But when I say “absolute extreme” to someone who has never experienced emotional turmoil, the wrong impression may be impressed. Again, much of what I say may relate to your own experiences, and it’s why I have to take great care in articulating precisely what I mean because…it can be easily misinterpreted. Everybody has had moments where they are not in control of what they feel, and they do things. However, while the instances may look the same, the mechanisms, patterns and history behind them…are not.

Hence why BPD and bipolar are so often confused, because at the height of those disorders, it can very well look the same. I have had manic episodes that look identical to someone in a bipolar episode within one moment. But the differences are the mechanisms, patterns, and history. For these two disorders, it’s what’s actually going on in the brain, what stimuli we’re actually reacting to, and then timeframe. Mania in bipolar can last months; in me, I plummet into mania for minutes, or hours, or days—a week at most. And I can rocket right back out of it, back to an indifference, or into some other extreme.

And those mechanisms, and patterns, and histories are what make BPD, well, BPD. 

We now get to how BPD happens. And though there is some debate, BPD is a developmental disorder. It’s created.

Through a number of factors. Genetics (like a family history), accompanying conditions (such as ADHD, autism, due to the predisposition to emotional dysregulation), past experiences of trauma, and, the environment.

And that’s the footnote version. Because this disorder, while there are strong patterns observed across diagnosed individuals, again has its nuances. Going into what causes BPD will lead you down a steep rabbit hole—in part because it’s dependent on the person, history, and environment, and in part because…, well, there is stigma, and there’s a lot of unknowns. Borderline, as a name, is not telling of what the disorder is. There’s a long misogynistic history to the disorder’s criteria, despite the fact that there’s a lot of men out there that have stunted their emotions, will fly off the handle when their egos are slightly bruised, call themselves alphas, are vehemently loyal to that alpha identity…

Hm.

That’s a discussion for another day. Point being, I cannot indulge this essay into every kind of way a person can land themselves with the disorder. It’s never ending. I have other priorities to indulge. Such as:

What kind of abuse is commonly attributed to BPD?

The answer? For such a volatile personality?

Neglect.

Funny, isn’t it? How neglect—the absence of—is what often causes BPD, of all things. Most would likely scoff, because our world has groomed the idea that the other kinds are worse, and are what creates monsters. Because it doesn’t make good tv, does it? Like the times where I was sat in time-out for…some reason or another, on a bench beside a chalkboard. Upwards to 10 hours of the day—which is a long time at three years old. That doesn’t make for interesting scenes, does it?

No. And because it doesn’t, and stories like their spectacle, media relies on the other kinds. To the point now where it’s necessary for our idled attention spans.

To be clear, this isn’t to demote abuse types outside of neglect, nor is it to insinuate that they cannot coexist within one circumstance. The fact of the matter is, different traumas with different people in different environments will lead to different conditions. There is no worth in proving to each other which trauma is worse or better, because it’s entirely dependent on the people and environment(s) involved.

What I will demote is the common, ignorant insinuation that neglect doesn’t destroy a person.

It’s why it is ironic, how BPD—an explosive thing—is often born from neglect.

How it does such a thing is…complicated. Lucky for this essay, I’ve lived it.

Within the first handful of years in my life, there were many things like sitting on that stupid bench in my room, for hours upon hours. My parents, at the time, were young themselves and fresh from college. My dad was in the military, so he had been deployed, leaving my mom alone with me, and…her BPD. I suspect postpartum made things worse.

Before you assume, it isn’t that she didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, but it was only through the divorce a few years later was she diagnosed. So, she didn’t have the resources for such a disorder at the time. Which made things worse, because part of treating BPD is being aware you have it.

The thing about these kinds of abuse is that…they come from the people you least want to admit, and for me, it had been my own mother.

And, the thing about neglect, especially mine, is that it’s hard to explain how no…, she was home. It wasn’t like she’d leave me like that. But, even so, I couldn’t tell you what the fuck she was doing when she wasn’t in the same room.

I was left to my own devices. I told myself stories with my stuffed animals to pass the time. I was often hungry too, and there are two accounts from family where, upon visiting, they saw this little toddler know how to work the baby-gate to the kitchen, and start to prepare food—sandwiches for me, and I’d pour food for the dog.

I seldom spoke, was borderline mute. Didn’t really converse until four. But I knew what people were saying before that. I did also pick-up behaviors from my dog as well; I would pant whenever I was happy, and whimper instead of cry.

By the tail-end, as I was getting into kindergarten, my brother was born, the divorce was in motion, and my dad would thankfully win full custody, and my mom, visitation.

You see, through those initial years, those mechanisms deployed.

I had to swallow down the instinct that the parent would be the one to nurture, and I had to find ways to feed myself, then my best friend and true guardian—the dog. Had to learn how to work things like a baby-gate. I also had to be vigilant of her, and know what mood she was in.

It’s these two things, working together, which utterly fractured me emotionally. The feeling of being hungry, truly hungry, is not something I wish for anyone. The realization that it’s not because you’re out of food—not until the separation began, and the weekends with my mom were marked by this hunger—, but because you don’t know how to get that food, and the bigger person is not getting the food, so you try to learn but you are still a small child… It’s even worse. It does something to you. Then, having to sacrifice your own emotional nourishment in order to keep an eye on an adult’s volatility is that final nail.

That was the first stage of my neglect. And it was bad. It was a really, really bad situation. My brother only lived with my mom for a couple years before Dad’s full custody. In that time, from when our mother was the only one to take care of us with my dad helpless in a different country, then to switching every week, he developed OCD tendencies, which are still present.

Twenty years later now, it’s been remarked that I was…kinda the best candidate to survive this out of not just my brother and I, but our cousins as well. And I agree. I’m naturally reserved, and even as a kid, I would push back against my mom. It would ignite her, but the fact that I was confrontation said enough. Meanwhile…, I do not know how the fuck my brother would be mentally if he’d been the one stuck alone with her for those three, four years. I don’t know what my dad would’ve come back to whenever he was allowed to be with his family.

And I would not trade places if given the chance. Because even if I’m a black sheep, my mechanisms allowed me to get away as well-adjusted as I could be.

But… Still. Beneath those remarks…, there is a misunderstanding. When my family says I was the best candidate, it’s because they look at me and see a person who isn’t sick. When I say I was, I mean…my brother would have been worse off.

Granted, now that I’m out of school, it’s slowly dawned on them that…yeah no. There is something wrong.

…as I aged through childhood, I didn’t quite understand what the costs of the mechanisms deployed were, but I knew there was something very, very wrong even back then. And I would tell my family. Every now and again, throughout years, I’d raise alarm because I realized I reminded myself of my mom.

Only to be told that I wasn’t my mother, and that I was overreacting. Told me that, “People like her don’t know there’s something wrong—that’s the disorder.”

Come a mere few years ago, and I am told about times where my mother, as an adult not long before having me, would break down because she didn’t want to be like my grandmother.

There was a family history. My mother knew it. However, she was also diagnosed through the divorce, because she couldn’t take care of my brother and I. Highly doubt admitting her BPD was the reason was because “she didn’t know there was something wrong.”

I was told there was nothing wrong. Meanwhile, I would do things I didn’t understand, and experience the world in a way people around me didn’t, …as it turns out.

For one, which is still true now, I cannot cook for myself, in a kitchen, when it’s dark out. I also cannot cook when someone else is nearby, or already in the kitchen itself. I will wait, because should I cook in those times, there’s a feeling. And I can’t stand it. The feeling of—

Oh. No, the feeling isn’t being watched. 

It’s the feeling where someone may be lurking, and I’m about to get caught. This is likely a remnant of times when I was very, very young, and I tried to feed myself, and I…was caught. And she blew up.

There are other behaviors like that, specific to me. Because the body remembers before you yourself.

In the years after my mom, I found myself in the second phase of neglect—the one, I argue, is what actually creates BPD.

And again. For another time. It came from the people I least want to admit.

The neglect, the denial, in every alarm I raised did something to me. Another thing, though given my experiences, it also did feel similar to the first phase. My family loves me, I understand, and I get why they denied. Because they knew about what was happening to me, then my brother, but circumstances had them trapped in watching from afar. A sort of…they didn’t get to me in time. 

My mom was also a nightmare for my dad. So…, to see that resemblance is not something anybody wants to admit.

But still. I was in therapy (to socialize me), but that didn’t last forever, and people kinda just shrugged and thought it was good. The therapy did its job. Without noticing what was happening.

The mechanism that deployed was still there, never to be acknowledged. So it festered. It scarred my trauma over, and now, there’s a great blemish on my mental health. 

And that blemish has a name, and it’s BPD—the disorder cultivated by the neglect of an aftermath. Where trauma struck, and there was no chance given to process it effectively, and to heal.

All of the nuances I’ve discussed before remain to be true. From what I understand, however, is that the primary reason why Borderline Personality Disorder can look so differently on so, so many people, through a range of traumas is…it’s consequence. BPD has its characteristics, the ones that distinguish, because ignoring the recovery after significant trauma presents itself the same.

Now, I’ll indulge in one of these characteristics.

It wasn’t until recent, as I embarked my adulthood, where I realized the core mechanism I had inadvertently deployed, the one that came with a price:

Alexithymia.

Or, emotional blindness.

This in itself is not considered a disorder, largely because (and for the sake of this essay) it is an associated symptom, a mechanism, of many, many conditions. Depression, PTSD, eating disorders, ADHD and autism (again), schizophrenia, and I can go on, and on, and on.

BPD is included, of course.

There are many ways to be blind. Take visual blindness, where it can be an absolute void, a severe impairment, some colors recognized but not all, or, there’s too much feedback at once, and the light becomes illegible. Being devoid of emotions, or apathetic, is the standard; some people may feel a perpetual onslaught that cannot be deciphered, and others could find themselves in between.

Whatever it may be, alexithymia is characterized as the impaired awareness, explicit identification, and/or articulation of one’s feelings. So, as long as the shoe fits, and the person can’t decipher, convey/express their emotions… That shoe’s not on the wrong foot.

In my case, I fall into the standard.

When I was young, I likely stifled my own emotions in exchange for vigilance. It never left, however. If anything, it got worse the more I neglected recovery. Now, I don’t feel much, day to day. I know I experience emotion, and react to my environment, and have thoughts… Yet, the environment is almost dreamlike. It doesn’t quite register, and the people in my life feel like figments unless I’m right there with them, in the same room. I’m indifferent to most. Memories are a lot like this too—not like I don’t remember anything at all, but in the moment, I kinda just exist. I can think and plan about the future too, but it’s that I’ve realized I have to, not that I feel any kind of urgency.

Because I don’t care. At all.

Or, I do, but there’s nothing in here to tell me that. Because my body, also, is quite null. It doesn’t tell me what I feel. I couldn’t tell you in the moment, so I’ll usually resort to, “I’m fine.” And inside this head of mine? Not much. Kinda like static—the tv is on, there’s a lot of channels going, but it’s just…not there. Beyond static.

So as I write this, and write any of my works, it's less of spilling all the crazy thoughts inside my head, organizing them, and more of me spilling an open wound I don't know how to close, figured I don't really want to close it, because I kinda just like watching it spill across the page and see what I'm thinking, and what I can create.

To be quite honest, being a writer in this way does legitimately feel like I'm a blind sculptor.

If all this sounds like a depressing experience, I'm fine. Genuinely. I am. This is actually quite comfortable for me, and it's also me at my most rational. Plus, it helps that I've developed a fairly strong coping means—this writing thing—that serves to be a therapy in emotional comprehension. Another mechanism, really, that is derivative of what I did as a toddler.

I'm also a hermit. I'm content with being reclusive, and to myself.

And again, I’ve already processed all of this. I wouldn’t be writing this essay otherwise.

So how does alexithymia relate to BPD? In what way is being apathetic mean I can fly off the handle?

What does alexithymia mean for an episode?

BPD episodes vary. Depends on the person, and a trigger, and the environment.

In the traditional a switch is flipped, and the person just loses it, it’s via said trigger. A legitimate trigger, not whatever TikTok is blabbering. Trigger as in to a gun, and it just takes one pull, and you’ve been set off.

When this happens—BPD or not—, it effectively shuts down the reasoning part of the individual’s brain, and sends them straight into fight-or-flight. They are in a very primal state, and will react on emotion alone.

In BPD, our brains are wired to do that in (potentially) a very, very short period of time. Can be literally a blink and you miss it. There’s a look in the eye. If you know, you know. It happens enough times to establish a history of this within the person. Forces people to walk on egg shells to avoid this. Because it’s scary. It can get scary.

Here’s the thing:

It’s scary for us too.

Not too long ago, a lot of changes happened in my life, and on my birthday, I was driving, and I wanted, so badly, to just swerve off the road and down into the woodland—the ditches would’ve been steep enough. Woke up that day wanting to. Didn’t understand why, but I also wasn’t asking because that reasoning part of my brain was switched off. That day, the episode wasn’t explosive, but had I brushed upon a trigger, or someone accidentally said/did something, it would likely have been the case.

I was in an agitated state—straying down the line between stability, and not, where at first glance I’m fine, but…the more you look, there’s something quite wrong.

I was also craving McDonald’s. So I went. I sat myself down on my own, and ate my food.

And suddenly… Literally nothing was wrong. Well, no. I was still mildly stressed from moving from college, but, nothing was wrong that day. I was just hungry, not suicidal. Yet…it felt like I was. Had me believe it for a hot minute.

Had I not had the burger, fries, and McFlurry… I don’t know. Had I had access to something swifter than a car. I really don’t know.

This is what the disorder does. This is why it’s scary for the people around, and terrifying for us.

And in those like me, where everything is null, until it isn’t, it’s terrifying in a specific way. Goes from 0 to 100. Can get to the point where I have pain shooting down my arms, like I’m about to have a heart attack, because everything comes down upon me at once. Or, in episodes like the one I just mentioned, it creeps up on you—that agitated state. To the point where I don’t realize I’m in it, just that I’m suddenly hyperaware of everything, and there is something wrong, but I am not asking why because I can’t. So I just do. Quite blindly. And eat because driving off a road is too much effort.

So it gets scary. In those like me, where emotions just aren’t registering, I can’t tell you what I’m feeling until after the fact, or after considerable thought. Which is also fucking difficult because I don’t rightly know what I’m thinking. But given the situation, that could be too fucking late. And if the situation has me alone, to myself?

With BPD, there are triggers we know to avoid because they are related to traumas. There are things that wouldn’t normally trigger, but somehow did because they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and we didn’t even know we had a fucking camel. And then. Sometimes. We don’t even know what the fuck the trigger was, and will never know.

The last is very common when we’re unaware of our BPD, but…it also just happens sometimes as well. The world’s big. The shit life yeets is limitless. I dunno.

There’s also a humiliation to an episode. I don't know what's going on. I can't reason like I should, and I don't want you to look at me. I want you gone, especially if I have deemed you the trigger. I want to be left alone. Things will escalate, and escalate, and escalate until that is achieved.

And, there’s a guilt as well. Especially when you know you have BPD, because by then, you should know better, but apparently, you don’t.

This all sounds quite helpless, I realize. However, there’s a reason why talk therapy is the central form of treatment for BPD. Knowing how to communicate does wonders. For those with borderline, learning how to comprehend and articulate emotions, and knowing what triggers to avoid, is a long, arduous process, but it helps. In regulating emotions as best we can, and in explaining to people beforehand what to do—or after the fact, where it’s to explain it wasn’t their fault.

And for those without BPD? Being able to recognize the warning signs on a person is detrimental. Because, believe it or not, there are warning signs. Sometimes they could be the split-second before, however, if there is someone in an agitated state, knowing what that looks like means you know how to avoid an episode, and it gives room to be able to console the person beforehand.

As said. There’s a look in the eyes. I know, because that’s what I spent my first few years of life figuring out.

The arduous process also unveils the…ambiguous sides to BPD. The stuff that people don’t really talk as much, whenever BPD is brought to the table at all. 

For this essay, I will spare a glance at identity. No, identity doesn’t have much to do with Violet. However, acknowledging this ambiguous side to BPD establishes just how far this disorder goes, and it tends to crop up when least expected. (It will do so in this essay.)

A disorder of emotional regulation implicates everything, and sense of self is guided by emotion.

So what happens to one’s identity if there’s no guide to that sense of self?

It’s bleak. Or there’s a turbulence. Either way, it’s hard to decipher what exactly you want out of life, and for yourself, because there’s just no good way to tell what makes you comfortable, and what doesn’t. But you still strive to find stability. So you mirror those around you. To blend in and be accepted. By chance, it can extend beyond humans; me mimicking my dog—panting when I’m happy, whimpering when I’m sad—, it was probably so that my dog would console me when my mom wasn’t around. Because my dog (a lovely boxer) was very attuned to me.

The conversation with identity is…just another complicated thing. And this one is harder to articulate, in part because it’s not really discussed by people who don’t have the disorder. As opposed to the mood swings.

All that to say, when it comes to this analysis, the truth is, there’s not a feasible way to explore the nuances such as Violet’s relationship with identity, or alexithymia, because they aren’t spoken aloud to give us enough insight, and by proxy, these aspects of BPD are not what Violet represents. But acknowledging such nuances provides a better understanding in what this disorder means.

Regardless, Violet is a representation BPD in relationships, and the dysfunction of those bonds. How it’s exacerbated within an apocalypse, and then the self-treatment of.

Or, or, Violet has…a tendency to be a wallflower. More or less.

[Ericson's Resident Wallflower]

The Final Season (TFS) is particular when it comes to Violet. It will be evident throughout this essay, the care that the game and the team behind it devoted for her. From the dialogue to her actions, Telltale did well in illustrating this character. I will argue, however, that the quiet intensity in nuance laid throughout is what evoked the need to write this essay.

Because Violet represents something quite thoughtful in regards to mental health—the reality of what a disorder is, and what it can do.

So TFS is particular, and it begins with her introduction, where there’s this need to recontextualize her. Not once, but twice.

Clementine is first introduced to her silently. She follows Marlon out into the courtyard, and Tenn whistles at the wall.

Because on the school’s wall is a girl, and she rises from her lounging at its height. There’s a glance shared between Clementine and Violet, before Clementine speaks more with Marlon. After that, another glance, where Violet turns away—not before the player can spy a bit of intrigue in her face.

Clementine reunites with A.J, meets Louis, before a recontextualization, where Violet (she does talk) snarks about the crashed car, and the walkers that the accident brought to their door.

And it takes Louis to pry a proper greeting from her:

“Ahem. ‘Hello, Clementine. I’m Violet. Nice to meet you.’” “What he said.” [. . .] “Don’t mind Violet. She, uh…, grows on you. I promise.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | School Gate]

Good job, Violet. Way to be sociable.

Sarcasm aside, yeah, it’s a little rough. Violet is overall dismissive of Clementine, save for the comments. To the point where she has Louis introduce her ass.

Now Louis…is a quiet presence throughout this essay, though he is all the more integral to her character. There will be fewer words compared to other relationships, but those words signify a unique dichotomy between him and Violet, one that the other schoolkids—Minnie and Brody included—do not have with her.

And it starts immediately. That dichotomy. Louis is the one who tells Clementine Violet’s name. He is the one who formally introduces the two. Because he knows how Violet is. Ensures to lingers so that he tell Clementine—promise her—how Violet is worth sticking around for.

It’s just that the girl is troubled. So.

Thereafter, his banter is teasing, and Violet is still sardonic. But, she ultimately does play along. In her own way. When in the woods, and the schoolkids are focused on clearing walkers to have Aasim, Brody and Mitch make a safe return, Louis strikes the conversation, Violet scoffs, but can relent depending on the player’s dialogue choice(s). It is important to note that Violet scoffing doesn’t necessarily equate to her being mean; it’s clear through the card game later that…this is her way of banter, with Louis especially. She takes jabs at him. He retorts. Does the same. It’s on equal footing.

The next true recontextualization presents a taste of what Louis means. After clearing the walkers, and A.J socks Marlon, Clementine is left to acquaint herself with the other schoolkids. Mitch and Willy, Omar and Louis, Aasim, Ruby (where A.J apologizes for biting), and Tenn, right alongside Violet.

And those two are tending to the school’s makeshift cemetery. It brief, but Violet explains they lost the twins, and for the hour, they’re paying their respects.

From the wall, then the gate, then here, at their burial ground, it’s as though TFS wanted to scatter Violet’s introduction across her nuances. First it’s a silent couple glances, with her overlooking the courtyard at a perch, then it’s her being a little prick at the gate, a lightheartedness when mowing down walkers, and then it’s…this, a staunch vulnerability to and for her people. In context to the graves, her people being the twins.

All the moments that night thereafter feed into this. The card game goes back to an apathetic, yet also teasing, demeanor. Her shared conversation with Clementine, as A.J becomes an artist draws, it’s again a vulnerability, this time rattled by the fact that the dorm was once the twins’.

Throughout this first episode, Violet’s standing with the rest is shown to be quite reflective of this almost inconsistent preamble.

Marlon is the most succinct when he remarks, in the rain, after Clementine chooses to ask for Violet’s support:

“Violet being difficult. Why am I not surprised?” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Courtyard]

It’s such a blunt statement, intended to dig at her.

Though, there is truth to it. Violet’s introduction overall says as much. She admits it herself when in the dorm, and she finds that Clementine is housed where the twins were.

“Honestly, I just miss having someone around to talk to. [. . .] And I’m not, exactly, like…a people person. You know? I know I sometimes have a habit… Have a habit of being a little bit too harsh.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

Violet is not sociable, so naturally, she struggles to find someone to talk to. But, she is also sardonic—that much we got from the gate, even if it was followed by Louis’ banter which she reciprocates. 

But ultimately, it’s Brody who gives the best context to Violet, and really voices what Louis is getting at.

When Clementine goes fishing, Brody begins a conversation, and within that, she can reveal based off the prompts:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s two key things here, starting with the unsociability that Violet’s demeanor and Marlon’s slight reference.

Then, the revelation that Violet has closed herself off. She’s become distant within the past year.

…it implies that the Violet first introduced to us is not truly Violet, in a sense. It presents to the player thatmuch of her arc with Clementine will be about uncovering her, and really bringing Violet from this depressive spiral. Romantically or platonically so. And these lines are intended to both explain the character, and to incite enough intrigue for the player to follow Violet down her route. 

But it’s rather unfortunate that so much of this character is hidden away from the start, because there's the chance that people glance over her, take this initial Violet as Violet, and decide to spend more time with Louis and follow down his route. Because, for the sake of this essay, it's damn near impossible to really appreciate this character when you don't go with her route.

Same can be said for Louis, of course. But, respectfully...

It ain't about him. So. Moving on.

Playing leader.

When Marlon is shot, Violet immediately jumps into action to protect Clementine and A.J from getting jumped by the rest, and she assumes the leadership role. Regardless of player choice. There is an curious point with her being a leader, though that will be set aside to explore later.

Instead, I’ll side-step, and bring about a piece of conversation upon Clementine and A.J’s return. In this, we gather a very telling side of Violet, one that speaks volumes to her character.

[Clementine] “You’re sitting in Marlon’s chair, aren’t you? You’re their leader now. They’ll listen to you.” [Violet] “They don’t, though. They only listen when they want to.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

Again, we’re side-stepping from the playing leader thing. Violet says that they don’t listen to her—says it like it wasn’t a really a surprise, just a point of frustration. Because, of course, Violet’s difficult. The last leader said so. But also, none of them have stepped up to fill that role. They take issue with her, but none of the schoolkids have really challenged her to take the mantel for themselves.

The silent nuance here is…why is it that she’s the leader? Violet made it seem like she really didn’t want to be at the boarding school—what with the contention between most, then the fact that she’s still in mourning. Tenn appeared like he was the only one keeping her there, but by stepping up in this way, not necessarily.

His presence and her need to protect him is a huge factor. Absolutely. Just not the only one.

We return again to Louis, the one schoolkid with the shared dichotomy. He is the other love interest. Him and Violet are often on opposite sides—especially in regards to everything Marlon.

And yet…, the way they speak about each other when one is taken away says everything about such a dichotomy.

To start, we’ll look at Louis:

“I know I’m always teasing her. Trying to get her to do that one eye roll she does—you know the one. Where it’s like, ‘you’re such a dumbass,’ she has to do a full-body eye roll. I do it because, when I actually do manage to make her laugh, it’s worth it. If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

He brings context as to why their banter is so dogged to tease. Louis does it because it’s reciprocated once he gets under his skin, and she retorts back with the signature full-body eye roll, but also, because he’s striving to reach another side of her, one where she laughs.

Because Louis is a big entertainer. He craves to draw that out from people, so when he has someone like Violet where it’s not easy to do that, it means that much more when she does, because it tells Louis how despite everything, she is there, listening.

Then there’s Violet, and her words for him:

“You know, when I first got here, I hated him. He was so…much. You know? He walks into a room, and it’s like, ‘Look at me! Watch me perform!’ It’s so stupid. But then I realized, under all that, he… He really cares about people, and he doesn’t just feel it, he says it. He’ll tell you every goddamn day how much you mean to him. Shit, he’ll probably sing about it. [. . .] We’ve got to get him back.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She nods to Louis being this big entertainer. Says that she hated it, and that it’s stupid. And yet, Violet thinks fondly of how genuine of a guy he is.

And between these two quotes, there’s a mastery in storytelling, because there’s an active dialogue between Louis and Violet. Doesn’t matter if one is on the boat, and they’re not. Their words parallel. Had they been in the room together, this would’ve been a back-and-forth.

Louis says that he teases her. Tries to get underneath her skin. Violet says that hated it, and hated him, for his antics. Yet, she then admits that…there’s a genuine nature there, because Louis does care, and he will say and sing it so. That genuine nature is the fact that he just really wants Violet to laugh, and to find that side of her.

Because Violet’s his friend. He values Violet as his protector, because Louis knows that she will be there whenever he desperately needed her.

And Louis is Violet’s friend. Which is why, without a word from Clementine, she states, firmly, that they need to get Louis back. Because in that hour, he was in peril, and he desperately needed Violet’s cleaver at hand.

It’s a tragedy, really, for both. When the other is taken, the one thing that each praise of the other is what’s stolen. For Louis, his knight is blinded; he has to be the one to protect her. For Violet, a comfort goes mute; she can sing in his place.

After spending a few moments with Clementine in the dorm, there’s Ruby’s hootenanny, and through that hootenanny, Violet can tell Clementine what brought her to Ericson’s:

“I spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house growing up, what with my dad being a drunk and my mom working three jobs. But after my grandpa died, Grandma just kinda…shut down. Spent all day and night rocking in her little chair in the den. I’d sit there at her feet as we both watched tv, mostly cartoons, since she never seemed to care. Sometimes I could hear her crying, but I didn’t look back. I’d just feel really weird and turn up the volume, you know? “Anyway, one day she left the den and came back with another chair, and a .22 rifle. Set the rifle butt on top of that chair, holding the barrel back to her chest. So, you know…, she had trouble reaching the trigger this way, but she must have known it would happen… Because she took out this really tacky wooden backscratcher—the real long kind with the one end shaped like a hand—and used that to push the trigger in. So…yeah. Bang, right? Her body folded up and just…kept rocking. “My mom came to get me five hours later. I hadn’t moved. She asked why I didn’t call the police or an ambulance or anything. I just shrugged and told her it wasn’t like Grandma was going anywhere…, and besides, I just wanted to finish my cartoons. She shipped me off to Ericson the next day. I was eleven.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Piano Room]

Through all of what Violet tells Clementine, there is still that flare to make the story more interesting for, you know, a video game. It’s a violent kind of neglect she shares.

But it is neglect all the same.

Violet was born to an alcoholic and a mom who stretched herself thin to compensate, yet even so, she later can admit that their home was a trailer—so the income of three jobs, all her time spent away from her mom, wasn’t enough. Perhaps there were financial troubles. The money might’ve been all drained away by cans of beer, or bottles. Violet did have an escape through her grandparents, though that didn’t last, and she was trapped to the same neglect. This time, with a better house. Probably.

Until her grandmother went and shot herself.

…with Violet in the room. Right behind the child.

And? There was no consolation; she was sent straight to Ericson’s, where the apocalypse then struck, the adults left, and Violet…was the difficult one, designated as this wallflower, or buzzkill. There were the twins, Minnie especially. Yet, even then… That relationship likely wasn’t reciprocated.

The flare that TFS adds to why Violet found her place in troubled youth—the violence, which could’ve dashed the screen she watched for those five hours—, it hides much of what went wrong with her, but simultaneously, it defines the gravity of her childhood.

It describes a mechanism of hers. One undoubtedly developed from her times alone with a drunk, whenever her grandparents and mother weren’t there. A sense of apathy, and with it, a broken moral compass. To not mind yourself, and not get in the way. To let it happen, and just get it over with, in whatever way that could imply.

And, with the sheer gravity, it begs the question…, how far did that neglect go? All of the abuse, if it wasn’t the only kind. Children aren’t born to sit in one place for hours, with fresh gore rocking in a chair behind.

The question wasn’t answered, of course. She was sent away instead. Then there were the adults. And then, other schoolkids. Violet isn’t…a people person, you know, so it’s only natural for her to be the difficult one as Marlon says.

Still, however, with Clementine as they watch the stars together, Violet denotes for the bird constellation,

“A bird is free. It could go anywhere it wanted to. Up and up and up, and never come back. Go south, east, west, doesn’t matter. You could fly straight into a sunset. And see where it ends.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

And to that,

[Clementine] “You wish it was you, don’t you?” [Violet] “Sometimes, when it all feels so heavy down here, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be weightless.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet has struggled to belong, and yet, she remains. Yes, there’s the apocalypse. However, in all the years at the school, she could have left just as well. There’s a version of her, lost in development, where Violet does leave had she not been saved.

So why didn’t she?

The answer to that, quite simply, is one Louis may admit to Clementine, should that version keep his tongue, and the silent nuance behind her playing leader:

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave.

It’s why Louis teases her, to try and find that laugh, and why he knows that if he needs her, she will be there to protect him. Violently, with a meat cleaver.

It’s why she takes charge, because Violet knows none of the others wanted to, but they needed someone to lead. Whether or not they appreciated that it was her.

And, it’s why she acts without thought to stand her ground against Marlon. If she’s asked, the camera doesn’t leave her because it is no surprise that she will stand beside Clementine, as opposed to Louis, where he decides with uncertainty, and the camera has him shuffle to frame; for Violet, the change in her face is immediate. The camera doesn’t have the time to idle in tension. What Louis says is dead-on:

“If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Even if she isn’t asked, Violet will then stand her ground once Marlon is shot. She vouches for the outsiders, in the name of reason, and for the twins and Brody.

She doesn’t think when Clementine is in danger—didn’t matter that her and A.J are just exiled. Violet will do as told, trust Clementine—to shoot, or to run.

Takes the helm after Marlon. Backs Clementine every step of the way.

Cannot let Minnie go until she has to, and Violet has seen that the person she clung after is gone.

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave, for her loyalty unbridled.

It’s her strongest quality. It is, also, what marks Violet with borderline.

[Emotional Anchorage]

We slip back to describe BPD at large, beyond this essay and character. However, everything of this section has its place with Violet.

And it begins with emotional anchorage.

Emotional anchors are not inherent to BPD. It’s not unique to the disorder because, instead, I’d argue it is a universal experience. These anchors are anything which triggers an emotional response. These can be specific objects—like an old stuffed bear, a photograph, a house—, or stimuli—like a scent, a song. Tangible things like these are indicative of our nature. Humans like things. We like to collect, and tinker, and destroy. It helps if it’s shiny. It really helps when there’s fire or light involved.

Here's another thing about anchors:

They can be people.

They commonly are. It’s how we distinguish strangers from significant relationships—friends, family, partners. Anchorage is present despite the nuances between friends (just a friend vs BFF), and family (siblings vs parents vs offspring). And, partners—emotional anchorage explains how queerplatonic relationships come to be, because the fundamental element of a partner (being an emotional anchor) is present, it’s just the romantic and/or sexual implications are ambiguous.

Emotional anchoring is the process in establishing the anchor, leaving anchorage as this essay’s way to articulate the concept itself.

Borderline Personality Disorder will naturally encourage these attachments.

Within the community, BPD has a term: favorite person (or FP). It is as it reads. There is a designated favorite for us, and this favorite person can be a friend, a family member, or a partner—anybody, really. With FP, we begin to fall down the well in emotional anchoring as it pertains to the disorder.

Because, ultimately, a FP is either the strongest, or the only, emotional anchor an individual with BPD has. (For the sake of this essay, I will replace FP with primary/prime emotional anchor going forth, to be more consistent in word choice.) And the anchoring of this person is generally not intended. It just happens, where there’s a strike of intrigue, and everything follows thereafter.

The moment I anchor a person, it is a stark change from the indifference/apathy I display to I want to spend all my time with you, and I will literally die for you without a second thought. I will remember everything you value better than I remember my own, and I will present those nice things to you, at every opportunity. Tell me your favorite color once, and I will remember it for decades to come. Tell me to break my nose, and I may very well do it on the spot.

Which. Yes. Is intense.

Understanding the disorder behind it, however, allows me to take the precautions to…warn people beforehand. And to tell them upfront, if ever I am encroaching on boundaries, just say knock it the fuck off, Volt. In exchange…, I don’t take it personally. Because, uh, yeah. I can get intense. I understand. I may feel a type of way in the moment where boundaries are made, but that’s the BPD talking in my ear.

But also, I know I value someone being upfront with me more than a passive rejection. Frustration is what sets me off—the not knowing why—, not the rejection in itself. Because if I don’t know why, that’s how I interpret things as abandonment.

I have been rejected many times in life by people I’ve deemed emotional anchors. And it stung. A lot. Far beyond what I could ever articulate, but if I had to try, they are wounds carved to the bone, or with one, where my heart was quite utterly eviscerated.

There’s a deeper conversation there, with an anchor changing before my eyes. And, yes, it’s ultimately this which the essay will discuss in great detail. Through Violet.

Yet, before that, emotional anchorage is one of the few things that borderline has the chance to gift a person, because it’s not all bad. If you’re like me—where everything is null, and blurry, and static—, having a person suddenly there to awaken my body to speak, sharpen the world, and bring chaos inside my head… It’s a lot. It’s demonstrably a devastating thing, but in a very raw and beautiful way.

Demiromanticism, no doubt, is a reflection of how I express BPD. So to realize my demi ass has feelings, whenever it happens, is nice. …it also means I then have to determine whether it’s that, or a crush. And there is a difference between genuine feelings and a crush, and yeah, I prefer one over the other.

But. (And this can be platonic or romantic.) Having someone be that anchor grounds me, and while the relationship will have turbulence—because the boat I sail is on a river I can’t build canals for—, there brings such a confusing clarity to the world. I have a purpose where I didn’t think I did before.

It’s a high. A borderline addiction.

To not a thing, not a habit, but a person.

When it’s healthy, it’s everything, and I can brave all storms. When it’s not, it’s obsession and mania, it’s my boat trapped in a whirlpool with the anchor at the center of it all; I may break away, violently, or I will sink, and it will be the death of me.

…and when there’s no anchor there at all, I and my boat are to the whim of the river—because there are no canals, I have to rely on my boat to guide me and find an anchor. This can be where people turn to destructive behaviors. Substance abuse. Eating disorders. Everything alike.

Why though?

Why is it this way? Why do people like me sink their teeth and set anchorage like this?

This is where identity creeps its way back.

Because though anybody can develop emotional attachments, to the point of anchorage, BPD again does this to an absolute extreme. My personal anecdote may speak to it without debate. Understanding how identity gets itself involved further speaks to that extreme. BPD isn’t necessarily about the traits themselves, right? So rather, it’s how they manifest, and fester, and the mechanisms behind it all.

With identity, it hinges on what you find comfortable, and what you don’t. It’s guided by your feelings on things, and your comprehensive response thereafter. Passions turn into aspirations. Self-perception feeds into expression. And on and on.

So, if someone does not have a stable sense of self, there is a disturbance in identity. There’s no coherence to the person. Few consistencies, if any at all.

The identity is as stable as your regulation of emotions allow, and if it’s dysregulated, so will your identity.

A broken sense of self fractures a person. So we scour for stability. We do so in people. But with that broken sense, it’s easier to just swap out characteristics and emulate the environment, should there be a promise of stability. When this happens, it can be recognized as masking—because, debatably, it is—, but it can also go so far that people confuse this borderline trait with something like DID.

To those none the wiser, yeah, it might as well be DID. Because, like…, they just change so quickly. And if it’s a matter of mirroring different people, it can also imply that the BPD encourages the person to alter their personality depending on who they’re with at the time. Which. Yes. Has the capacity to resemble switching between split personalities from an observer’s perspective.

However. I have outlined (in quite the broad stroke) what DID is: a split in identities, in order to protect and shield the individual from further trauma. It’s dissociative in nature, where the distinct, established personalities will operate the individual at different times—given the nuances which come with DID.

BPD does come with dissociation as well—my personal experience with how I live day to day is indicative of, for simplicity, derealization and depersonalization. However, it’s not a split. What’s happening is this one identity does not have a stable, set personality. With the incapability to regulate emotions, it indicates a level of alexithymia. So how are we supposed to understand what we want, and don’t want, in everything from interests to moral standing? Things that a personality is grown from?

This copycat behavior is in itself a mechanism that BPD deploys. It’s kinda masking, not to purely to hide from and integrate into social norms, but also to find a sense of self through a very, very desperate act of scavenging.

In BPD, the best candidates to copy are the people who make us feel good—get a high from—, and that we want to be around, and whom we fixate upon—to a manic point: 

Those emotional anchors.

As we go back to Violet, keep this in mind. Again, no, there’s no feasible way to remark for certain what her relationship with identity is like, so the implications that emotional anchoring has on identity can’t really be applied. But the intensity—the level of fixation—can.

Because Violet struggles in her bonds with other people. There’s an idealization present to those bonds, and a devaluation. Both this good and bad, the highs and lows, are via anchorages.

So we’ll start with Minnie.

[Emotional Anchorage: An Obsessive Good Memory]

“Sophie was a good friend. And Minnie… Uh… We were close, me and her.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

When we meet Violet, amongst her introductions, Clementine learns about the twins from the two who still tend to their graves—Violet, and Tennessee. Not long after, there’s a card game, and not long after that, Violet finds Clementine and A.J in their dorm.

The one which was home to the twins.

“Huh. I see you’re, um…, settling in.” “Yeah. Is that okay?” “Sure. I guess. I always liked this room. Sophie had, like, paintings and shit on the walls. Lots of color. And Minerva…, she was really musical. [. . .] She had the most amazing voice. Real bluesy. [. . .] That was a long time ago. After they… Afterwards, Brody and Tenn took down all the paintings. And that was the end of it. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. It’s not a good memory. Guess I just lost my train of thought.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

The way she speaks of Minnie, there’s an adoration, and a nostalgia made bitter by the perceived tragedy.

Of course, those twins (…okay, well—) aren’t dead, they were traded. So even though Violet has yet to see Minnie, she is now a presence to her mind that isn’t nearly as bitter. She focuses on getting the school prepared for a fight, alongside Clementine, but through it all, yeah, Minnie is still there.

And when looking at the stars with Clementine, if Clementine remains quiet for the fish constellation, Violet comments,

“Bright, pretty, good with other people. Always moving, tons of energy. Sounds like anyone we know? The energy one is easy. Good with people, not so much. [. . .] Y’know, it… Well, maybe this is weird to bring up, but it reminds me of Minnie.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Minnie is a big part of her, despite their time and distance from each other. They grew up together. They got closer.

Another thing:

Violet never says girlfriend.

The only time where it’s “proclaimed” by the season that Minnie and Violet were girlfriends is through Clementine, where whenever A.J sees the carving in the fishing cabin’s wall, she can say,

“It means they were a couple. [. . .] Violet was Minnie’s girlfriend.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Is it fair to assume that? Yeah. That’s…what carving a heart or potato with initials is supposed to symbolize.

But like.

Let’s be for real. What the ✨fuck✨ does Clementine know? Sure, she’s somehow not concussed after hauling ass in the sky, with a car. But she doesn’t know these people. Point blank.

We don’t know when this heart was carved. Just that it’s V + M (suggesting Violet did it, given the order), it’s out of the way from the school and in the fishing cabin, and it’s just shy from a bed (and alcohol).

Again, Violet herself never says girlfriend.

The heart could’ve been carved with Minnie there with her. Or, Violet was deep in mourning, and decided to brand the cabin—likely because it holds a significant memory.

…and Imma be honest, the cabin has a bed, and it is covered in bottles. Everywhere on the table. Some scattered around. So I will give the benefit of the doubt. Considering the…subtext around the fishing cabin, doing some quick math with my gamer instincts, yeah, if you leave youth (troubled or otherwise) alone, you might get Lord of the Flies, or…exploration. I guess.

It is clear that there was something. There is validity to “[w]e were close, me and her.”

The question then becomes why the ambiguity? Had TFS been made in a different time, and James didn’t have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine couldn’t be a couple, yes, it would’ve been Telltale beating around the bush.

Except even in this moment, Clementine outright says girlfriend in reference to a sapphic dynamic.

Because TFS was not made in a different time, James did have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine can kiss and hold hands.

The ambiguity indicates something else. That ambiguity is heightened the more Violet talks about Minnie pre-Broken Toys (saved Violet route). Because she speaks so fondly of her, with almost this conviction.

Yet…she still does not say girlfriend.

This is textbook. Given the essay, and what I’ve already exhausted over, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it is quite plain:

What Clementine stumbles upon isn’t a mourning over a lover; it’s instead, at its core, a lasting idealization.

With BPD, idealization is as follows:

“[A] way of coping with anxiety in which an object or person of ambivalence is viewed as perfect, or as having exaggerated positive qualities.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This tracks.

Violet speaks so fondly of Minerva, with almost this conviction, yet she does not say girlfriend. Ever. Because the conviction is the intimacy, but Violet is a pragmatic individual. Though there’s idealization present, referring to Minnie as her girlfriend (for whatever reason) is too far for even her mental state.

Like she mourned Minnie for a year. She gushed about her to Clementine every chance she got. So…why not say it?

With this all established, TFS then allows us to witness how idealization in borderline often corrodes into devaluation—the inverse of idealization, its absolute antithesis.

“Used when a person characterizes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities [. . .] because there is often no middle ground for a person with BPD. Feeling challenged, threatened, or disappointed can quickly cause them to devalue the people they formally idealized. Rather than cope with the stress of ambivalence, devaluing functions to minimize the anxiety caused by ambiguity.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This corrosion has a name. It is splitting.

Like with the previous definitions, I will allow my resource to explain this concept, because of everything this essay has to offer, it is this that the everything hinges on.

“Splitting involves an inability to hold two opposing thoughts, beliefs, or feelings. People who have BPD tend to view others in all-or-nothing [. . .] terms. “This self-protective defense mechanism aims to help people with BPD protect themselves from getting hurt in relationships. By labeling people as ‘good,’ they are able to engage in relationships despite the emotional risks. If they feel threatened, they can then quickly discard the individual or the relationship by labeling them as ‘bad.’ “Like most defense mechanisms, someone with BPD may not be aware that they are engaging devaluation and idealization. Splitting is a subconscious way to protect themselves from perceived stress[, and] reflects the challenges associated with maintain an integrated view of the good and bad in a person under stress. Some researchers suggest that some of the difficulty is rooted in the way the brain, particularly the amygdala and prefrontal lobe, activates in these experiences for people with BPD.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

…again, this essay has to break away from Violet and TFS to provide an insight, a discussion, of what this means for BPD.

I will start by clarifying that splitting from one end to the other is a bitch to deal with. The catch is not every person with BPD is incapable of reading the world beyond black-and-white. I’m one who can, …when I’m not in the midst of an episode. Day to day, I’m apathetic/indifferent—take your pick—, and because of that, I don’t give enough of a shit to really fixate on what is “good” and what is “bad” to me. I take everything as they go.

Because I really, really do not give a flying fuck.

The moment there is any seed of emotional attachment, or anchorage, it changes things. For me, it’s generally that I really adore this person, but they did something that hurt, and it confused me, so I shut down and close myself off. Namely so that I can have the time and space to breathe and process. Because I feel a lot for these people. I’ve gone over how intense that feeling is. And the last thing I want to do is hurt them.

So the moment I get confused, it boils into frustration, but frustration means ire with me. And that’s terrifying, because I don’t know what I can and will do if I’m backed into a corner. Because I know my brain shuts itself off.

The other thing to this as well is…it’s not always such a violent shift between idealization and devaluation. It really depends on how confused I am, the person, and then the time and distance laid between me and them. If there’s minimal distance between me and them, and minimal time between then and now, then yes, it will be explosive. If, say, a year has passed, and I have not seen this person within that time, then the splitting will look very different—largely because I don’t perceive it as an immediate danger, so my brain never shuts off, and I can process in the moment with reason. There’s still significant emotions there, of course, and given it’s still splitting, I do have that shift between the extremes. Difference is,I am able to regulate myself better.

Take note of this nuance, because it is absolutely present in Violet.

And we resume her relationship with Minnie, where we witness the corrosion from idealization, inching towards its antithesis. The process is best explored if Violet is saved, where it doesn’t taken an age, nor a day. It takes mere morning hours.

When spying upon the boat to get their bearings, and formulate a plan, they find Minnie chopping wood. Or, Clementine does, pulls a knife on her, before Violet intervenes. They embrace. Clementine has opinions off to the side. 

Then.

They talk. And Minnie… Um. Well. If Delta was inspired by the New Frontier, Minnie would’ve had a fat branding right on her forehead.

Immediately, it becomes evident that Minerva has no interest in going back to the school. Her loyalty lies with the Delta. And given the prompt, she will have this to say:

[Violet’s in charge.] “Really? The Violet I knew could barely stand to talk to people, let alone play class president. You’re the one who convinced the school to fight back. From where I’m standing, that puts you in charge. Your ‘leadership’ is going to get my little brother killed.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Forest]

Huh.

Not only does what she say about Violet directly contradict what Clementine sees from her, Minnie is also blatant in steamrolling right through the testament, and tells Clementine that no, you’re the leader, and you’re bad at it because you are a threat to my brother.

It’s a little jarring. Because, one, ouch. That’s mean. Mitch died because he ran into a knife, and it was not Clementine’s.

But two, what?! Violet, whose first line to Clementine is snark about her driving, could barely stand to talk to people? Violet. Who stood up to Marlon, cleaver at hand? The one who Louis says (given the other route) will do just that to any threat?

Our Violet, who Clementine gets to know. The one who immediately took the role after Marlon because nobody else did? Despite the fact that, yes, she realizes there’s no promise that the schoolkids will actually listen?

Violet…is openly sardonic, is she not? Does she not confront people with a weapon?

It’s a little jarring, then it’s…dissonant the more you pick it apart. Because what is Minnie talking about? 

I will say, for sure, Violet changed within that year apart. But not to the degree that Minnie implies to us. We have Louis’ words for Violet, and then Violet herself—constantly brings up protecting the twins. And she’s shown she will. Violet will shoot Lilly if told. And Violet, after Marlon’s death, brandishes her cleaver to shield Clementine and A.J from the other schoolkids.

Maybe part of the change was that she vowed to herself that she’d do better after losing the twins. Wouldn’t be surprised.

…but Minnie didn’t like killing walkers, though. Which implies that, yes, Violet probably filled a protector role for her, in regards to the dead.

It’s baffling. I can go on and on and on.

Just as Violet did, between seeing Minnie after so long, and finding Clementine in her dorm.

“The thing is, seeing Minnie… I feel like it should’ve scared me. But it didn’t. The person we ran into in the woods, that wasn’t Minnie. Not really. The way she sounded, and acted… The way she talked about Sophie, and Lilly… I’m…confused, I guess.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She voices the same sentiment.

But upon various dialogue prompts, the corrosion inches its way to Violet:

[She’s one of them now.] “It sucks, but…I don’t know what else I expected.” [It’s not Minnie’s fault.] “I never said it was. But it doesn’t change anything.” [We can save Minnie.] “You saw how she reacted when Lilly showed up. Those are her people now. And we are not.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I do think it’s interesting that, even if Clementine says to Violet that Minnie could be saved, she says otherwise. Because Violet is pragmatic. Minerva coming back from the Delta is just not realistic.

So through time and distance, and the wake-up call in the woods, Violet expresses an acceptance of this. The fact that Minnie won’t come back. It’s not quite splitting, because…this isn’t a true devaluation here; it’s the idealization ebbing away.

“Minnie…, the real Minnie…, she’s gone. She’s been gone this whole time, and I…have to stop mourning her. I won’t let her take you or A.J. Or anyone else I care about.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

And she admits it to Clementine aloud. Promises her that she, and A.J, along with everyone else, will be protected from the Delta—from Minnie, if need be.

Not only that, if Violet is romanced, she makes a request:

“There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I’ve always taken this line to signal how nervous, and how new Violet is to this kind of relationship. Because it is new to her. This is the first time where her feelings were reciprocated. She always wanted to try dancing with someone, but for whatever reason, never had with Minnie. And she’s nervous because…she wants it to be reciprocated, and Violet here is gaging a reaction, testing the waters.

In writing this essay, another thought occurred:

This is Violet moving on.

She’s nervous because there is a lot of weight to this request. She’s gaging what Clementine says, because Violet is invested now. All-in. 100%.

It’s not about Minerva—doesn’t even outright say that she never had a dance with Minnie.

Because by this point, through this dance, Violet’s realized just how unreciprocated her feelings were, because now, she has the chance to dance with someone who does reciprocate. And not just in the dance. Clementine’s loyalty extends further than that.

Another detail that I noticed is perpetuated throughout every interaction with Minnie is who she always prioritizes, and how it contrasts Clementine. With Clementine, of course A.J is first priority, and Violet understands that. And she goes out of her way to help with him. Conversely, Clementine helps with Tenn, and the school, and the other Ericson kids. All of which are who Violet also prioritizes.

Meanwhile, the same can’t be said for the other side of that contrast. Because it’s always what about Sophie and Minnie? from Violet, and never what about Tenn and Violet? from Minerva. It’s only ever Tennessee for her.

With the initial encounter, yes. She wouldn’t be asking about Violet because… Violet’s right there. She’s talking to her. However, we overhear Minnie talking to Dorian, asking to have Tenn join her. Not Violet. Then, further into the night, where suddenly she’s singing her own boss music and a red bar just takes up the whole screen, Minnie goes out of her way to claim Tenn.

And then, for good measure, axe Clementine.

But not because of Violet. Clementine gets axed regardless of who she saves, because Minnie…is far, far more pissed that Clementine put Tennessee in danger than anyone else. Including Violet.

The Delta changed Minerva. Yes.

Yet, Lilly never was able to remove her loyalty to her people. Her people being Tenn.

It’s telling, how (in)significant Violet was to her because all I read is…, it is nowhere close to the significance Minnie had on Violet. Because Minnie had other priorities.

She just happened to be Violet’s primary emotional anchor. And with that comes everything Violet could feasibly offer a person.

Here’s the thing to understand with this essay, and what I’m getting at with Minnie and Violet’s past relationship:

Violet anchoring Minnie is not Minnie’s fault. It’s not Violet’s either; a kid isn’t going to understand why they’re feeling a certain type of way, but when it feels nice, they will follow. Especially when the adults responsible for troubled youth are just…gone.

But what this does bring to light is a nesting place for borderline’s stigma.

Emotional anchors, splitting between idealization and devaluation—these concepts are the source for much of the fear against people with BPD. When gathering articles to reference at the end, some articles I pull from r/BPD on Reddit because having resources that are from people with experience asking and answering questions is incredibly valuable. Many discussions in r/BPD related to this (exchange primary emotional anchor with FP) are frustrating. For myself to read, because several are people not with BPD venting, but, I imagine it was frustrating to type out because…they’re venting for a reason.

Depending on the discussion, however, what is said is ignorant to all of what I know of my disorder. I know where it comes from. I know that the emotions behind all of what I do with anchorage are genuine. But then there’s people who vent, or there’s others who prompt a question because they are nervous that their friend (with BPD) is not genuine.

Of course, I can’t promise how other people with BPD are like. BPD is dependent on the personality, and if you have a shit personality. Um. Yeah. You’re not a fun person to be around. Sorry?

Not really, but, you know.

Stigma aside, it is true. I understand the insecurities, and the need to vent. Being someone’s anchor because of borderline is a lot of fucking pressure, and truth be told, it’s like that because…what if you just can’t reciprocate the intensity? After that honeymoon phase, people without the underlying disorder tend to get exhausted emotionally, meanwhile…, there is no cease from the other.

So people tend to draw away. They either do so quietly, in attempt to not hurt feelings, or, they’ll be direct and antagonize because of they stress they’re under. Either way, if the condition has gone untreated, the confusion this brings will then ignite the individual’s borderline. This is where you get insecurities born within the relationship, which the person can then go further and self-sabotage because there is no regulating themselves. You get constant bombardment whenever they feel neglected. They’re overbearing. You feel that their claws are dug deep, and it’s far deeper than you could’ve ever imagined.

Because there’s an anchorage.

If this is what happened, and Minnie entertained Violet, but never reciprocated the magnitude of devotion Violet brings with her… I can’t blame the girl. And given that Minnie was a troubled youth just as much as Violet was, she had her fair share of issues.

Because frankly, I don’t care if she was brainwashed or what, Minnie still killed her twin sister. You know, the one that has been in the same situations, the same environments, throughout Minnie’s life, yet when she saw the Delta, Sophie did not fold. Sophie actively fought against the Delta, whereas Minnie…complied.

Even before they were caught on the raft that Sophie planned to steal.

“One of the girls saw that this was a place worth fighting for, and her tears dried. But the other twin, she could never forget her old home. She rejected every gift, every opportunity. Stirred up trouble every chance she got. She convinced her sister to help her steal a raft and leave on the river. Of course, they didn't get far. What happened then, Minerva?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

This Parable of Twins is, of course, by Lilly’s word, and yes, she did brainwash Minnie. So naturally, there will be an element here where the details are lost. I buy that Minnie did accept her place in the Delta where Sophie never did, but I don’t really believe that it was just because she saw it was a place worth fighting for.

The reality of Minerva is she’s a very conflicted person, and she’s passive by nature. She’s a good head taller than Violet, yet, when Violet talks about her (and Sophie), it’s always about protecting her. Because Minnie didn’t like killing walkers.

I also wonder if the reason why she’s so passive is because Sophie…might’ve been the one that got her and Tenn into trouble right with her, if she was more combative. As for the confliction, Minerva may have been caught in between—because there’s a combative twin, and then there’s a younger brother to protect, one who’s passive to a fault.

It’s this confliction and passiveness that has Minnie primed for manipulation. She will seek stability through, well, passive means. With the Delta, do as they say.

…and with Violet, it’s let the girl have her infatuation, maybe entertain it, but don’t cross too far into romantic territory because the girl’s a little too intense.

(Of course, Minnie is also the one who was practically dead herself while leading a herd by voice alone, to kill her brother and maybe do a little slashing. So like, she is just as intense, just…in less of a loyal kind of way, and more in fucking unhinged way. Because she also might’ve been the one to instill Tenn’s beliefs.)

Once it’s revealed what happened to Sophie, Violet snaps. She yells at Minerva.

But even still, there’s a slip of that anchorage:

“Who are you?! Fuck survival! Look at what you’re doing! Minnie, please, I just want to talk to you for a second! I’m sorry we never searched for you, for Sophie… I’m sorry we trusted that fucker, Marlon. If I ever thought there was a chance—” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Following this, time ticks away with a bomb in a boiler, so Clementine lunges for an escape—to get A.J back to her side. And Minnie tries to stop her.

With a knife near-identical to Jane’s in S2. And it manages to gouge a near-identical scar in Clementine’s sternum. A stark parallel to S2’s ending. Except, Violet doesn’t hesitate. The moment she is out of the cell, she disappears into the backdrop, then an arrow finds its place in Minerva’s shoulder not long thereafter.

She does stay at her side, for when the schoolkids leave. Perhaps for closure, if the previous dialogue gives any indication.

Because even though Violet shot Minnie, moved on from her with a dance, and realized that she wasn’t going to return, that anchor is still there. Minnie was, after all, still a significant part of her, and that…doesn’t really ever just go away. The idealization may have drained, but the feelings themselves do remain.

We then look to another Violet, who was taken rather than saved.

“At least here I have Minnie… [. . .] Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And another aspect of BPD, and anchorage, becomes clear:

Borderline primes people for manipulation, much in the same way that a passive and conflicted nature primed Minnie.

There’s a flipside to emotional anchoring in BPD, and it has everything to do with how the disorder forces people to become reliant on their anchors. People who cannot discern nor regulate their own emotions, and people with a bleak, instable sense of identity.

Which is a problem because there are people who’re able to take a person’s emotions, and weaponize them as a puppeteer. They manipulate through any means necessary.

Most, in an effort to avoid being manipulated themselves, try to hide their emotions and keep them out of reach. They suppress them, because suppressing your emotions is how you get the most control, and nobody else.

Right?

Coming from experience, do not do this. Suppressing your emotions is the last thing you want to do.

Especially if you want to avoid getting yourself manipulated.

I felt that I had to suppress not just as a child, but before that, because I was in a fucked situation. And it did this to me.I have no control. Life is a writhing storm at sea, and I just fucking hope I can find an anchor within the storm’s eye—but I know there’ll never be a calm to this storm.

And the wrong people know this. The ones who prey and manipulate to abuse the loyalty I am so desperate to offer, and can pull it from me with ease, should idealization blind me from the warning signs.

When Violet is saved, she sees through Minnie quickly. Because it’s in how Minnie talks. And it’s weird, because Violet also includes how she talked about Sophie, when the most Minnie said was “she died protecting the Delta. A hero” once prompted by Violet’s concern. That shouldn’t have raised alarm, yet…something about it did. To Violet.

So she’s able to let go. Violet still holds the memory of Minnie quite dear to her heart—the one in her head—, but after this, it was more about closure, not bringing her back. And all it took was that one interaction.

But here, back to a Violet taken away, it takes longer. She’s not told what actually happened to Sophie; instead, both Minerva and Lilly feed into a broken trust with Clementine, and condemns Violet back to the girl who sat with Grandma’s body rocking behind her.

Her loyalty blinds her to what Minnie has devolved into, so she goes and tries to stop the bomb, save the boat, and secure a future with her because Minnie is all she knows and trusts.

Yet.

It’s broken when Violet does. Because Violet has her face marred by the bomb. She’s left to defend herself—blindly—as she clambers out of the water with a walker snagged at the leg. She asks for Minnie at first, is led by Louis, and then…it becomes clear what happened when they hear gunshots, clearing away the walkers.

Minnie. Is left. Unscathed.

Well, okay. She does, like, panic and stuff, and then gets bit. So, that explosion had been her death sentence.

But Minnie is not burned. Not like Violet.

Which…implies something. However it happened, Violet was the one closest to the bomb, and Violet was further down the beach, towards the boat, whereas when Clementine, A.J and Louis reach her, Minnie is away, towards the woodland. Getting her ass bit. A bunch.

She either got off the boat at a different (earlier) time, or, she just…abandoned Violet. To defend the last of the boat and her crew. And, probably, to look for Tenn.

Leaving Violet to realize something, and as she struggles to see the world, she begins to try and apologize. To Clementine. Who didn’t lie to her about the fucking bomb on the boat, and given that, it also kinda explains why Clementine didn’t take her sweet time consoling Violet from her episode because. Um. The bomb. 

Whatever it was that happened, it’s enough to rattle Violet to reason. And to snap her out of it.

Within one interaction. (…explosion.)

It’s…the little things like this—the ones that go unsaid—, which indicate Minnie’s sense of priorities, and how even when Violet actively worked to help save the boat, those priorities never were Violet. Before this, she manipulated and lied to her, and (via the alternative path) she never…danced with Violet, despite Minnie being the musical twin. Instead, Violet never danced, but she does sing now. 

Which again has me wonder, was it Minnie entertaining Violet, and/or, if the subtext found in the fishing cabin does indicate this, was it never romantic like how Violet wanted? Just physical?

I’m kinda losing my mind over here?!

There was always an imbalance. Violet always prioritized Minnie, and her sister, and her brother. She prioritized the latter two because of Minnie, and then prioritized Tenn after the sisters were traded off. Prioritized Minnie’s interests—singing, and took it on herself—, and left her own—like the dancing—to…wane in self-doubt. 

And then…, we have Minnie who killed her twin, and then went after Tenn to also kill him. The killing part is, well, the brainwashing and trauma, and stuff, but point being… Violet is still not in the equation. She’s an afterthought to Minnie.

This isn’t to say that Violet and Minnie’s relationship was downright toxic, or abusive, or anything along those lines. All we have is Violet’s word. But given Violet clearly glorified Minnie to herself, her word is unreliable.

What this is all to say is…, it was no mistake on Telltale’s part to have Violet physically blind, or then speak about how she had been blinded figuratively—before reality set in. Down one route, this was done by having the wool pulled from her eyes; down the other, it was the blinding in itself that brought her clarity.

It’s what I mean when I say that Violet’s unbridled loyalty is also her bane. She establishes strong and intense emotional anchors, to the point where should that anchor be lost, she will refuse to let go. And not because she wants to trap herself to that anchor, but because that’s…how BPD is. Attachments like this are really hard to shake off. But also, Violet didn’t know who else to turn to. 

There’s Tenn, sure, but she’s his protector, not the other way around. There’s some of the others—Mitch, Willy, Ruby, Aasim—who we don’t get enough time to really see how Violet is with them. Marlon she tolerates, but there’s a clear strain between them.

Louis— God, there’s Louis, and he’s the one that she is vehement about getting back—indicating that he is yet another anchor for her. Thing is, he was also Marlon’s best friend, and they are…opposites. A lot of conflict comes from that.

…this essay really doesn’t have much to say with Louis and Violet. In part because, frankly, I didn’t really know where I could put him with the points I strive to make. There is absolutely space for him, yet, another thing:

Their words for each other, when the other is taken, are enough. Louis and Violet say everything themselves.

I did give commentary to the dialogue quotes, but it was sparse for this precise reason. I don’t need to get into how quietly powerful their friendship is. Louis is the one who introduces Violet by name. He’s the one that promises Clementine that it’s just her way, because he knows her. If blinded, he’s also the one that she relies on to guide her. And despite Marlon, and perhaps despite even Clementine given the different routes, there is never a malice between them.

Which I adore TFS for doing, because it would’ve been easy to have them be rivals and fight over each other. Especially for Clementine.

But that’s also juvenile, and while those storylines have their place, it is not here.

Never has. Never will.

So there’s Louis. He’s an anchor. Yet, because he is the one grounded anchor Violet has of the schoolkids, not fazed by idealization nor devaluation… That is their dichotomy. It is unique of all other relationships Violet has before Clementine—after Clementine as well, should he be the one saved.

We have Brody. Who does represent a point of devaluation for Violet. The lowest to a volatile relationship.

[Emotional Anchorage: Walking Triggers]

Truth be told, in this most recent endeavor to write Violet’s deconstruction, Brody was who reignited the compulsion. Because there is a deep-seated complexity to what happened between her and Violet, and why it happened. …only for me to find yet another post somewhere that was made by a glanced judgement.

Its criticism wasn’t in any way toxic, which was nice because this fandom…has a mean streak. But it did harken back to borderline’s stigma regardless.

Devaluation is a very ugly mark on someone with BPD. Worse than idealization, in the eyes of many. It in itself is toxic,and this coping mechanism is one of the reasons why BPD a disorder with the stigma it portrays. There’s a dysfunction in the order within our behavior.

That dysfunction, and the subsequent behavior, provokes a defensive ignorance.

Violet is wrong to do this. This is an antagonistic trait of hers, and Brody gets the brunt of it. She had to live with this for a year.

However, making blanket assumptions is reductive, especially in a discussion where it’s about understanding the how and why. There’s a reason why Violet devalues Brody. The path to how it happened in the first place is actually quite apparent. If you know how to read the signs, you can see this happen a mile away. So through understanding the how and why, it’s easier to 1) avoid it entirely, and 2) navigate devaluation if/when it does transpire.

Both Brody and Violet together make one mistake, and the fix is straightforward. Not easy, but straightforward.

Before that, though, we first shall establish a few things.

For one, Violet is…a lot. Don’t let her apathetic demeanor fool you. Just look to the previous section—that alone is enough to prove otherwise.

Along with the apathy, Violet is sardonic. She’s aloof to people when she doesn’t have strong attachments, but, she likewise shows to be pragmatic and reasonable. Which like, same. I wear belts and layer my jackets with vests too.

…and I also know what this kind of character implies: Violet is a little bully. She absolutely has the capacity to be cruel.This is also confirmed later, where at Ruby’s hootenanny, there’s mention of an Erin with braces that Violet would make fun of. (Probably because braces are hard to take off; they are a little goofy in an apocalypse, but also…really unfortunate the more it puts stress on the mouth and dental structure.) Violet then comments that she didn’t know why she did.

I wear belts and layer my jackets too; upon reflection, I did the same thing as a kid. So I have some insight to this which may explain the why here. Given how Violet speaks of this schoolkid, I’m willing to bet that Erin wasn’t someone who Violet had strong emotions for, one way or the other. She likely was pretty indifferent to Erin.

So, if that is true, Violet being a bully here comes from a place of 1) being apathetic, and not reading social cues like she should’ve, and/or 2) Erin was an outlet, but not a personal one. 

Snide comments, and other slighted behaviors like this, they do not register. 

Nothing clicks up here, behind my eyes. The comments are too brief to. So where this lashing out is coming from, it happens so swiftly that, by the time it leaves the mouth, I don’t know where it came from. There’s not much feeling to it. It was an impulse. So I just continue on my way, and never consider why.

In this way, there’s no malicious intent, it’s just cold. But outwardly, cruel.

A lot of times, to me, it was just play. 

This is how a play with you. I make fun of you; you make fun of me. If you get hurt by it? Well. That sucks. Anyway—

Which, yes, is toxic, and I’ve realized, and I’m an adult now and I…don’t do that. Kind of. Social cues are a thing now, and I’ve gotten myself more aware of people. But I still do like poking fun, with the full expectation that it’s dished back.

Granted, I don’t know just how much of this applies to Violet. She has her insecurities, and is nervous when bringing herself to the table. And I am definitely not that—it’s not a confidence; I don’t care enough to be confident, I just do my thing.

But. This does establish a pattern with Violet, and with BPD, the disorder reflects the personality. There are common traits to BPD, but the expression of those traits varies depending on the person. For someone like Violet, who is already rather cold, this means any trait of BPD which stems from a cold demeanor will be present, and elevated. To borderline’s extreme.

Or, because Violet already can be cold to people, where devaluation is concerned, her personality makes it ten times worse. It doesn’t end. She makes comments—except, now, because there is significant emotion behind the comments (to Brody), it is to sting. It is cruel.

But…, it’s also complicated.

The bond between Brody and Violet is first made to be antagonistic, and Violet’s the one who perpetuates. Unlike the night before, where she with Clementine had a nice banter going in the dorm (if a tad guarded), Violet on the way to the cabin is hostile. Her words aren’t aggressive, but they’re instead dismissive at best, scathing at worst.

Brody does push back a little, and tries to brush it off, but it’s quite plain on her face that this does get to her.

In the cabin and away from Violet, Brody gives the context. It’s not just the words themselves hurt, it’s the fact that there’s a history there.

“Hey…, about Vi… I’m sorry she’s being a little mean. It’s my fault. [. . .] I was there when those walkers killed Sophie and Minnie. They were really close with Vi, and…I think she blames me for what happened to them. I mean, how do you even apologize for something that fucked up? I don’t know. Maybe I deserve it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Violet is hurt. Brody’s guilty.

Then, there’s a second, damning piece of history that explains why Brody, of all the schoolkids, gives the most insight to Violet’s mental health, and why this is happening.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

In the same way where it was textbook idealization for Minnie, this is textbook devaluation.

It’s made complicated because they were friends—good ones, considering they’ve been stuck in the same place since the outbreak—, but now there’s a negative connotation. That being the twins.

And remember, devaluation is an avoidant mechanism. Ambivalence is confusing, and that agitates a borderline personality.

Brody can then explain more, depending on the prompted dialogue:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [You should talk to her.] “Yeah, right. I tried, I have. It just never seems like the right time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Once again, Violet is distant where she wasn’t before.

But we also get a further confirmation that Brody is the one with the negative connotation, and it’s because she was the one who had to tell her. …which in itself is an interesting choice of words, but we can assume Marlon pressured her once the conspiracy is revealed.

Then another confirmation, to the fact that opening a conversation has not been feasible.

Turn to Violet, and she first says this:

“God. Sometimes she just gets on my last nerve, you know? [. . .] I mean, it’s— It’s not like I hate her… I just… ‘I wish we could all go on a road trip together.’ God, she’s so…ugh. You know? [. . .] I don’t know what the problem is between us. With Brody…, I don’t know why it’s like this. Why is it so weird? I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

All of this is telling. Violet is very animated here, both in how she says it, her shifting tone, and what she’s saying. First it’s a comment. Second it’s admission. Then there’s that sardonic tongue, an ask to gage whether or not Clementine understands, before it all breaks and she goes back to admission.

The last couple lines say something crucial to know when understanding the dynamic here. And if a player is impatient with dialogue, they will miss these.

I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.

So Brody is a walking trigger.

Within the bounds of splitting to devaluation, this happens when an emotional anchor develops a level of ambivalence, but because anchors do not just go, the anchorage is instead insecure, rather than the source of stability once relied upon.

Yes. Brody is another of Violet’s anchors—just not the primary one.

And what it means to be a walking trigger is…devastating. Not just for Brody, but for Violet as well. She doesn’t have the support Brody gives her anymore. Can’t trust it. Because every time Brody walks in the same room, Violet cannot relax. She is agitated.

Don’t take this to mean in a figurative way.

It is literal.

Triggers rise from people an emotional response. In BPD, this often means that the brain will shut its reasoning off, and prioritize this “survival” instinct. Fight-or-flight.

So when Violet says, I can never relax around her, this isn’t a oh I’m nervous, I don’t know what to do. This is I cannot function when she’s in the same room as me. Maybe she’s hypervigilant around Brody. To the point where Violet cannot stand Brody anywhere near her…

So she sabotages. She’s cruel to Brody in the comments she makes. She does not allow Brody to get close, because it is too much. Rather than a calm, reasonable state of mind, Violet feels things. A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing—Brody’s there.

And the easiest way to stop it is to push Brody away.

And, and, initially, blame the girl.

[Because you blame her.] “Well, that’s what I used to think. I just keep thinking that things might have ended differently if I was there. Maybe I could’ve protected Soph. And Minnie…” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s a confliction here. Violet did blame Brody, until she realized it wasn’t that. Instead, she blamed herself.

It’s the following prompt, however, that gives the best clarity to Brody and Violet. The prompt,

[Because she never said sorry.] 

where Violet tells Clementine exactly what the trigger is—because by this point, a year later, she’s figured out how to articulate what it is:

[Violet] “She tell you that?” [Clementine] “More or less. She wants to talk about it, you know.” [Violet] “I just… I feel guilty about the whole thing.” [Clementine] “Why?” [Violet] “I was supposed to be out with the twins that day. I wanted to work in the greenhouse, so I asked Brody to cover for me. But then… I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I… I wanted to talk to Brody, to tell her I didn’t blame her for what happened. But every time I tried, I was reminded of who we lost. It was easier to just not talk about it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

If BPD isn’t a lonely experience, or a humiliating one, it can be a guilty life to live.

Violet expresses why losing the twins hurt as much as it did: there was never closure, and she blamed herself. Hence why, earlier, I suspected that seeking closure was what kept Violet at Minnie’s side after shooting her.

She was finally saying that goodbye, regardless of how the interaction itself went.

But it’s what she says about Brody.

Violet wants to talk. She has wanted to. But Brody’s a walking trigger. Every. Single. Time that Violet tried to talk, the same turbulence arose. In BPD, without that regulation, it is unbelievably difficult to talk when…your body’s actively flipping the fuck out.

A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing.

Of course she found it easier to just not talk about it. That is an instinct ingrained by borderline.

BPD is a lonely experience every time you lose an anchor this way. The disorder is humiliating because you do not want people to see you like this, when you’re in the midst of an episode, and you have no fucking control over your body, so you yourself are flipping the fuck out.

And it’s guilty. Because when you’re in Violet’s position, where you know the reason why, you know what you want to do, but your body works against you at every turn…

It devastates a person.

Because it is your fault. You did this yourself. Reap what you sow. You’ve done it again, it’s humiliating, and you are very, very alone because you just cannot stop burning bridges.

…in the apocalypse, being chained to a boarding school does not help. There is no way to give the time and space someone like Violet needs to think, and to process, and to let those emotions relax. Brody kicks up those emotions whenever she’s around, and the dust just never settles.

Violet trapped herself in a cycle. By the hour, or by the day, for a year, it would’ve been a ceaseless agony.

One that did scar over. Violet probably got used to it, and found a routine to the snide comments. It wasn’t like Brody was leaving anytime soon.

Until she does, and she suffers a disorientating last few moments.

I’d like to think they made amends and had a full conversation. I don’t know, however. But, at least Violet does take the first step when walking from the cabin, and she entertains Brody’s fantasies about a road trip, and that she would’ve had her sights on the Grand Canyon.

Because the one mistake they made was they never talked. It wasn’t going to be an easy thing, but it is that straightforward. So when they did, or began to, the devaluation began to ebb away.

Then, a tragic irony.

Brody’s guilt was never just I’m not Minnie, so she hates me, and it’s my fault. Rather, Brody’s guilt was warranted, and quite honestly, yeah. She should’ve be guilty, because it’s I watched as my leader gave this girl’s world away, and did nothing, lied to her, to her face, for a year.

Violet didn’t know this at the time. So for her, Brody was a point of devaluation because it’s her mental health actively jeopardizing things, not the truth and circumstance. The deception, in the conversation of that mental health, instead plays itself like salt to a wound, and then a tragic irony once Brody was murdered for it.

Because Brody knew they had to tell people. If the path to mending their relationship was encouraged, then it could be read that it gave her the inch to confront Marlon. If otherwise, Brody wanted to tell everyone because she needed to, despite what turmoil the truth would’ve caused Violet.

By the time Violet does know, and there’s a funeral, she says this about Brody:

“Brody, she was… She was real sweet. She had big dreams. And we all knew they wouldn’t come true, but we didn’t care. And we didn’t care because when she was talking, whatever she said seemed possible. [. . .] I don’t know if she found the place she dreamed about, but I’m gonna miss her.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

There’s forgiveness. With Brody died that devaluation.

Not a moment thereafter, however,

“Marlon was… I can’t. Not for Marlon. After what he did to the twins and Brody, I—”  [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

The cycle continues.

Now with Marlon.

If Violet devalued Brody, she absolutely vilified Marlon. Because not only was it about the twins, there’s also Brody.

So of course she didn’t give him any peace after the fact. Why would she? Marlon had his own complexities, yes, but those complexities hurt. They brought another ambivalence.

As the essay rattles from the schoolkids, we’ll discuss another relationship now. A new, fresh one. Clementine, through who we see all of it—the emotional anchorage, the idealization, and devaluation. The splitting between. How intense Violet can be, and how volatile.

We have Clementine, who is given the chance to witness what Louis means for this wallflower, and that she grows on you (he promises so).

[VIOLENTINE: The Ship, and its Anchorage]

Platonic or romanced—the difference doesn’t matter in this essay. The shift of context between friend and more than that is just that: a shift in context. Distinguishing the two will have its moment, but it is hardly integral to the fact of the matter:

Violet anchored Clementine, and she did it swiftly. (In record time, dare I say.)

In regards to the arguments against romancing Violet, there’s a lot of people who look to Minnie, then back to Violet, and point to Clementine’s “girlfriend” dialogue. “Violet’s not over Minnie,” is a common one, right alongside, “Clementine’s just a rebound.”

Now. I’ve spent 5.5k words tearing those arguments to shreds in one section, and I still have with me another few things to say about Minnie and Violet’s relationship up my sleeve. In light of Clementine and Violet’s relationship.

Because even though I do buy that they were closer than friends arguably would be, they weren’t girlfriends. It’s why Violet was insecure within their relationship, and why that insecurity devolved into a strong case of idealization. Violet genuinely did love Minnie. Her bond with the twin will honestly forever be there, but that bond wasn’t unconditional. The conditions were at the cost of Violet’s mental health.

Then there’s the rebounding, and I will use this as a jumping off point regardless of relational status.

Rebound relationships are defined by a partner still with a previous relationship’s baggage. They’re not done healing. They haven’t quite let go. It gets in the way for committed relationships where the expectation is that both are in it 100%, and that person just…can’t. Because they’re still fixated on the last partner.

…which yes, does sound like Violet. Cuz it kinda, sorta, frankly is.

However. For one thing, this dynamic doesn’t just apply to a Violet route opted for romance. The rebound applies to a platonic dynamic, in part because I don’t frankly believe Minnie was a true girlfriend, and in part because idealization is not specific to partners. Especially in what we see in TFS, Violet needed to let go of Minnie regardless.

Then there’s the fact that being a rebound isn’t always bad. To rebound, which is where the term “rebound relationship” derives from, means for something/someone to bounce back. Or, it can mean a kind of backfire. Both uses of the word can be applied to relationships like this, which, yes, is why they’re fickle, and why people do their best to avoid.

Here’s the thing: Violet needed a new relationship to pull her out of the old one. Because Clementine is a catalyst for Violet, and she was anchored so quickly because whether Violet herself realized, she did want to move on. She couldn’t, but through Clementine, she got the chance.

And I do confidently say that she did want to, because by one interaction in the woods, Violet is disillusioned from Minerva immediately. She’s snapped out of what image she had of her, and is the one that remains realistic where Clementine can offer supporting words—along the lines of we can get her back.

It’s why Brody, through the cabin’s conversation, observes the same.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that. But when you showed up… I don’t know, I just haven’t seen her warm up to someone in a long time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

I find it interesting that Brody picks up on Violet taking to Clementine so quickly, and is able to read enough into this to try and see if it’s enough of a push for Violet to start healing. She’s right, it is enough, and Violet does take a first step in mending their relationship, and breaking away from the devaluation that was arguably heightened by her idealization of Minnie.

…granted, it’s dependent on player choice. There are Violets running around out there having fished with Clementine, but never did reconcile with Brody.

In any case, I am going to argue against Minnie being Violet’s ex because 1) who the fuck cares, I’m not concerned over purity over here, and 2) it’s likely they weren’t exes at all.

However, I won’t fight against this being a rebound. It is. But, Violet’s arc is about learning how to let the fuck go, she has a problem with letting go, so of course the relationship would be a rebound by proxy. A healthy rebound, at that.

By the time she is forced to let go of Clementine, after two newcomers are voted out, her attachment is made quite plain the moment Clementine is in danger within— What, five minutes, and Clementine is at gunpoint?

Regardless, Violet is there, bow at hand, with Louis behind her. She is ready to shoot, and it is no bluff. Violet will if prompted. Or, she will run should Clementine prioritize getting the two out of it.

Because Clementine’s already anchored. Violet trusts her to make the call, and she will follow without hesitation. Later on, after a weary night with A.J shot, then a morning of crawling back for medicine, Violet calls for Clementine to talk in the office. And in there, the anchorage is confirmed further:

“What happened out in the woods… I saw they had you pinned, and I… Shit, I got so crazy. “I know you think I didn’t do enough for you and A.J, but when I saw you were in danger, I had to do something.” / “When I heard you call for help, I didn’t even think.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

The second line is dependent on whether or not Clementine blamed Violet before, as her and Louis walked the exiled to…exile. And stuff.

But, her account as to why she ran right for Clementine, and pulled an arrow on Lilly says everything I got so crazy, I didn’t even think, I had to do something. Clementine roused a trigger.

This time, in a very good way. Well, as good as the circumstances. In any case, this does count as a trigger because it’s inciting an emotional response, and given Violet’s wording, a fight-or-flight. (I realize triggers are specific for negatives; for the sake of brevity, I don’t care. I still say it counts.) It’s the reason why, before, when I detailed how I personally get with my anchors, I do similar things. No, not literally pull an arrow on someone, but I act on impulse without care, because I just want to satisfy their needs to the absolute fullest. It’s genuine, but it’s also triggering—under a positive connotation.

After this, of course, we push into Violet leading the school as they prep for an attack, with Clementine right alongside her. Whatever happens during this time is unknown, just that the school built-up the walls, laid their defenses, and focused on instruments to help, such as traps and explosives. Shortly after the time-skip, of course, we get the belltower sequence.

Starting with an inquiry:

“I know you came back for medicine, for A.J, but after that, you could’ve just left. Avoided all the bullshit with the raiders. Why didn’t you? Sorry, I know that puts you on the spot. You don’t have to answer. We’ve all got our reasons.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet asks something that has likely been on her mind for a while, but then… Not backtracks, but she does relinquish the pressure for that answer.

As their time at the belltower continues, it’s clear where the question came from.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just…talk so much. It’s just, I’ve watched people leave before. Family, friends. They never come back. But you did. And now I can’t imagine what it would be like if you weren’t here. Um. Shit, that sounds so much dumber when I say it out loud. You know what I mean.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet’s hesitancy to speak her mind, be vulnerable, is interesting, particularly because it’s about doing so too much. It’s a very specific one, with ambiguous implications. This could be an anxiety she put on herself, or, this was something that she took after a mention that she was talking too much, getting too personal, one way or another. Then there’s also another thing, where it sounds dumber than she intended. As though when speaking her mind, Violet has an idea of what to say, but she doesn’t know quite how to articulate it.

This is a really good line of dialogue, so that latter insecurity is just that: an insecurity.

Nevertheless, this speaks volumes because it’s the first verbal admittance to an issue with abandonment. All the adults left her life, and never returned. Those include her parents, who never tried to get back to the school. Her grandfather died, so not his fault, but her grandmother shot herself right behind Violet. Which is abandonment, and really fucked to do. The teachers of Ericson’s…

Then fellow students. Most probably died, including Brody. And the twins were taken away.

Abandonment is a huge thing.

So we turn to the route where Violet is taken. And it’s not good. Violet reacts as predictably as this essay has outlined.

[Clementine] “Vi? What happened? Are you okay? Violet, talk to me… We’re here to take you home.” [Violet] “I looked for you. When they grabbed me, I saw…you let them take me. I’m just supposed to forget that because you’re here now?” [Violet, if platonic] “Some fucking friend you are.” [Violet, if romanced] “Some fucking feelings you had for me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

Here we have now a fresh faultline within her and Clementine’s relationship. It brings ambivalence. Upon seeing Clementine, she’s plunged into an episode.

And Violet splits. Her image of Clementine is distorted, so she falls back to the same pattern she did with Brody, and she is hostile.

[Clementine] “What’s wrong with you, Vi? Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.” [Violet] “No, Clem. I’m done. This whole situation is so fucked! At least here I have Minnie…” [Clementine] “You mean the Minnie that betrayed us?” [Violet] “Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

We also have Violet manipulated on top of that, led instead by Lilly and Minnie’s word, not Clementine. Because BPD primes people to manipulation, especially in times when they’re at their most vulnerable. But, throughout these interactions, we do see Clementine attempt to console her, and talk.

Violet, however, is not open to. She is not in the right state of mind. This is a BPD episode, so Clementine is not able to get through to her here. Violet does not trust her—too much ambivalence. Mitch’s death is fresh on her mind, she’s been lied to by Minnie about what happened to Sophie, and with that lie, she was told that more people would die if they did not listen.

And of course, the more time is spent, Clementine starts to get frantic as everything escalates because there’s a fucking bomb ticking away in the deck down below. So there comes about an urgency, and she can’t spend that valuable time consoling Violet.

So she starts chipping away at the door. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! You’re gonna get us all killed!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And Violet does precisely what she said she would do, and she attempts to stop Clementine herself. Because there’s Minnie again, but she also doesn’t want anyone else to die either.

Lucky for Clementine, she is stronger, and she is able to overpower Violet within a minute. However, in trying to get the cells unlatched, then to find her way to A.J, she herself is overpowered by Minerva. The urgency and stress associated backs Clementine to a corner. She still doesn’t want to see Violet hurt, so, she explains,

[Clementine] “We planted a bomb on the boat!” [Violet] “Fuck you, there’s a bomb! Mitch is dead! You just… Fucking go!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

…and again, Violet does not trust her. Mitch’s death is still fresh on her mind. Everything that Lilly and Minnie fed to her is still present.

Then, the bomb goes, and it takes Violet’s sight with it. Even on the beach, she asks for Minnie, amidst confusion because, somewhere down the line, they got separated. Louis has to be the one to support her. By this point, and some beats after, it feels like this is another Brody. Like there’s no turning back, not until a long, long year where Clementine would be in the same shoes.

Minnie makes herself known, though. She’s off in the woodland, with her people. 

And that is when this Violet has the wool pulled from her blinded eyes, because she realizes what happened.

The moment is brief. It’s very easy to miss. Yet, the attempts Clementine gave on that boat to console her, before the urgency really began to set in, was not fruitless.

Violet tries to apologize:

“Clementine? The stuff I said on the boat, in the cell, I, uh…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Beach] 

It’s not the right time for it. The schoolkids need to get off that beach, but this brief moment is huge.

The thing about episodes is, yes, in the moment, the individual is not consolable. There’s no reasoning with someone who is shut down. However, the attempts to try and console, and/or any verbal promises to leave the door open for when they’ve calmed down, the effort can be recognized and appreciated.

Once Violet snaps out of it, that’s precisely what it was. She understands that Clementine was never trying to hurt her, nor did she come to her disingenuous. Clementine was there to bring her back, because the situation was exactly as Violet herself said—fucked.

But still… Clementine was there to bring her back. 

Either way, Clementine proved herself to Violet, because down this route, she left twice, and came back both times.

Of course, the night does not end there. Clementine loses a leg. Another schoolkid is gone.

So through the weeks thereafter, Violet gave herself the time, and then, she tries again with the apology:

[Violet] “I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Clementine] “It’s okay. You went through hell in that boat, and I let that happen.” [Clementine, if platonic] “I’m just glad we got you out of there.” [Clementine, if romanced] “I’m just glad I got you back. I was so worried I’d lost you.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

In this apology, Violet articulates the position she was in, and admits the kind of influence Minnie was to her—not a good one. And in turn, Clementine acknowledges her. She doesn’t demean Violet for what she did. On top of that, she expresses how she’s just happy that Violet is there in the moment.

This route is bittersweet. We have the beginning, where Violet is guarded, then she warms up to Clementine, finds an anchoring point, and acts upon a fierce loyalty. Which then is hurt when Clementine chooses to save Louis instead. The time on the boat is very bitter because…the truth about borderline is, yeah no, it does not care who the person is to the mentally ill. The disorder is a disorder for a reason. It will hurt, and it will put a strain and test a relationship.

Then you just have the big fuck you axe where Minnie…effectively was the one who managed to wound Clementine, have her get bit, and then lose the leg. Which isn’t really how an eye for an eye goes, but that’s what this route goes with.

But then…, it’s sweet. Because Clementine did the right things, with what stress she was under.

She tried to talk to Violet, and in doing so, she left a door open for Violet to crawl back through when the time was ready. It was sooner rather than later for her, since Minnie… Whatever. However, it’s an apocalypse; a boat was just blown the fuck up. So while it was the time for Violet, it was not the time for literally anyone else. Ergo, a second attempt, to which there was resolve.

Clementine and Violet did not make the same mistake that Brody and Violet did.

And that’s what saves the relationship.

Now, let’s waltz all the way back and save Violet, just to show what Clementine and her do right to build a healthy connection, whereas her and Minnie went wrong. To do this, taking a brief visit to the romantic will help in dissecting an evolution found as the episodes progress.

After the bits of dialogue in the beginning of this section, Clementine can choose to confess her feelings for Violet. It can be solidified by a kiss, or a question for a relationship, or…a meek silence, to which Violet is able to read and feel the same. Clementine can also express confusion, in that she needs the time, but express the interest all the same.

There’s a sweet moment here, and with the kiss, it can also be a touch awkward because…

Okay, they kind of flounder. Violet more so. Which is interesting to note, because Violet “supposedly” was in a relationship before. Sure, the moment on its own doesn’t mean an experienced person wouldn’t be any less awkward, but with the following steps in their relationship, it does support the suspicion this essay has in that she never had a reciprocated, romantic relationship with Minnie.

The moment where Violet asks Clementine to dance, and is nervous to do so, is one of those steps in the relationship:

“When you told me you have feelings for me, I was shocked. Then I started thinking. There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before? [. . .] Do you…wanna? Just us. No one else around. I mean, I know it’s kind of weird, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to try.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

It’s a step in way of romance (Clementine even remarks after how they’re getting better), but it’s also a step in Violet’s confidence in being vulnerable with someone. She’s still clearly anxious here. Violet still has some of that self-deprecation, and it comes back if Clementine rejects the offer because the idea was stupid, or something along those lines.

But she still does ask. And it’s a big ask, because this is important to Violet. So if Clementine reciprocates the dance, it’s yet another sweet moment, and it builds the confidence within for this relationship further.

Before the night, Violet can tell Clementine how she got to Ericson’s. Then, through the night itself, she backs Clementine every step of the way. Shoots Minnie. Escapes with the schoolkids, only to come back and find her with Tenn and A.J, safe and sound.

During their walk, Violet opens up again. This time, there is none of that self-deprecation, and Violet even gets choked up—but she’s not really ashamed for it, she just continues and says her piece.

“While we were looking for you guys, and I… I thought you might be…gone for good…, um, shit. I was trying to figure out what I’d do if you were gone, and I realized how goddamn stupid I was. About Minnie. For a whole fucking year. I was so wrapped up in losing her and Sophie, I pushed away everyone who tried to care about me. Marlon, Brody, Louis. Even you and A.J. I tried my damnedest not to care about either of you. And I still couldn’t tell you why.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

She admits everything. Is so very open to Clementine, and tells her what is on her mind. There’s Minnie. There’s what she regrets.

[You were afraid] “I was a goddamn coward. I’m not a coward anymore.” [I’ve done the same thing.] “And then you wonder why you fight so hard to stay alive. I don’t wonder anymore.” [You cared about me.] (Platonic) “I didn’t expect to find a friend like you, not ever again. But I’m really glad I did.” / (Romantic) “Yeah, I did. Way more than I meant to. I’m still kind of amazed we found each other, you know?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

By this point in the story, Violet has undergone her arc.

She is a changed person because of Clementine’s influence, and she sees what she either didn’t see before, or did but had forgotten. Through a rebound, because Violet just needed a second chance to redeem herself.

Now…, she didn’t expect to find a friend like Clementine ever again? It’s interesting that Violet indicates Clementine was a second chance with the platonic route, not the romantic. Is this her quietly admitting that Minnie was never beyond a friend, actually? Or is this in reference to Brody and Sophie instead?

I dunno. Just found that interesting, since she could have said an equivalent for the romantic dialogue. In any case…

There is something so profound with how this relationship contrasts the ones which came before. As a friend or partner, Clementine never gets to the point of Minnie’s idealization, nor Brody’s devaluation. Both are antithetical to each other because they balance on the same scale—that being insecurity. Violet cared for Minnie and Brody deeply, and those emotions are genuine.

However. 

Minnie was put on a pedestal because there were faultlines to that relationship which Violet did not want to face. Brody, instead, was degraded because rather than faults, it was easier to ignore the good sides to Brody. And the good sides were a really, really sweet girl who dreamed of a better life—something that Violet could never see for herself after the twins.

Then there’s Clementine.

Even at their worst moment, where Violet’s trust in Clementine waned, she still did trust her. Clementine told her there was a bomb. Violet snapped because Mitch was the one who knew explosives, and he was dead. And yet, she got herself blinded because she knew Clementine wasn’t lying to her. She trusted her enough to know…

Well yeah. There’s a bomb.

Beyond that, however, Violet decides to do some arts and crafts, even though she says they’re stupid. Or Violet’ll ask for a dance that she’s desperately yearned for. She’ll talk to Clementine, a lot, even if she didn’t mean to do it “so much.”

Clementine as an anchor never truly corrodes. It’s tested down one of the routes, yet by the end of it, the relationship is maintained.

…there’s a final note which taps into this.

We come back again to identity one last time. For a brief anecdote—nestled within the shadows of what exhaustion this essay has gone over with Minnie and Brody, and now Clementine—, but an important one. Violet’s sense of identity will remain to be untold because we don’t have that perspective. She never talks about herself like that, so there’s no true insight for Clementine to gather.

Yet there are scant traces of identity diffusion, or an incoherent identity, ceaselessly disturbed by external influences.

This calls back to a copycat nature where borderline personalities will imitate in order to find stability. Ambitions, beliefs, interests—these all go right along with it, because they very well can change, and do so radically. Impulsions in way of severe life choices are made on the foundation this nature provides.

And that foundation is not strong.

There is no way to truly understand and deconstruct Violet’s sense of identity, yet, her behavior and choices made throughout the season can give us something to chew on.

Between the two routes, Violet is…a hair shy from being an entirely different person. The Violet Clementine brings onto the boat is not the same as the Violet she meets there. By contrast, Louis remains consistent; bring him on the boat, and he acts as expected—same with when we find him…without a tongue.

One is Clementine’s Violet. The other is Minerva’s Violet.

In both routes, Violet’s impulsion changes her life’s trajectory. She either shoots Minnie, or, she goes after the bomb and blinds herself. In one route, she’s outspoken, combative to the Delta, and fiercely loyal to the school; in the other, she does behave like how Minnie described her—never could talk to people, never to be class president. The Violet in that second route is withdrawn and quiet…

But she does confront Clementine.

She mimics Minerva’s newfound bellicosity that she dawned from the Delta, and it’s pitted against Clementine by following both her and Lilly’s word.

Going back to the first episode, where Brody tells Clementine that Violet withdrew herself from everyone, a lot of that was depression. Violet also actively told herself to push everyone away (…except Tenn, a remnant of the twins). However, there is a read here that she withdrew herself because there was no one left for Violet to mirror. She reverted herself back to the girl who sat in front of the television, with her grandmother’s fresh corpse just behind her.

Not to say that Violet doesn’t have a personality on her own. No, she still does. Having a weak sense of identity doesn’t automatically mean that there’s no identity at all. It can just mean the self-perception of identity is weak, but given that it is a self-perception, what is Violet going to draw from if she doesn’t…know how to read herself?

So Clementine meets Violet in the midst of this. She’s sarcastic and grates for a minute about the car. She keeps up a wall between her and Clementine. But by the end of the episode, and the start of the second, here Violet is cleaver at hand, about to lead the school.

Marlon scathes when she stands toe-to-toe. Talks about her being difficult again—but that in itself is ambiguous, because does this mean she’s gone toe-to-toe before, or does this mean Violet has a tendency to be inconsistent? And was that night another inconsistency?

But then… Louis. He admires the fact that Violet is like his white knight. He relies on her to protect him, because he knows that there is no doubt—she will.

Then being a leader. That comes as a surprise to presumably everyone. There’s a few points of dialogue that suggest it, others that blatantly say it, and then more few beats where we see the contention between Violet’s leadership and the schoolkids.

There’s conflict here. Violet is inconsistent in who she wants to be.

And it’s just that, isn’t it?

The TWDG community has long since decided that Violet’s arc is about letting go of Minnie (for those who see past the “rebound” thing), and self-discovery. Which is still true, but through the lens of BPD, there’s another layer to this. It’s about learning to let go despite disorder. And then, it’s learning what she wants from people, and who she wants to emulate, again, despite disorder.

What kind of person does Violet want to be?

And this is distinct from Louis, because with Louis, it is also a self-discovery. He is care-free, live in the moment, to a detriment. To be quite frank, the only reason why he got that far into the apocalypse was because he relied on his community. Not because he couldn’t contribute, but because he has his fair share of self-depreciation.

But there is no question. He knows who he is, and he knows the kind of man he wants to be. It’s why Louis does talk about his sense of self as much as he does.

Whereas Violet really doesn’t, perhaps because she can’t. All of what she confines in Clementine is the fact that things get overwhelming, and she gets confused. Quite frequently. But also, her relationships. Everything external for her, because… Again, she struggles to articulate what’s going on internally, because of that confusion. It takes time for that articulation to be feasible.

Violet has a patchwork identity. She’s kept traits of others—such as the singing. Granted, everybody does this. However, there’s her own within patchwork, but those have gone largely unexplored in the past.

Then here’s Clementine, the catalyst to this arc.

Which begs the question, why? What about Clementine has this impact on Violet?

Something about her draws Violet in. 

At first, yeah. Clementine’s new. There’s an air of mystery around a girl who totals a car at Ericson’s front lawn, with a kid in tow. But that mystery alone doesn’t equate to a cleaver pulled, guarding the new people from the rest—her own people.

The answer is rather simple: Violet is mirroring Clementine, so all there is to do is look at that reflection. And we find a leader. We find someone who is compassionate, and does everything to fight for their own. Actually fight. Tooth-and-nail. Someone who does whatever it takes to survive, even if that means rubbing the good ol’ walker jelly, or, taking risks to secure a bag of food.

Clementine’s compassion for people is evident once she wakes up, and she has A.J by her side. Her skills in leadership, her drive to fight, to survive—those are all made very clear at the train station, with both Louis and Violet following her lead.

So Violet mimicked. She found the same traits within herself, then elevated them. Brought them to the surface.

As the relationship continues to build—platonic or romantic—, Violet finds reciprocation. She’s not just emulating what Clementine would like to see. After all, she was sat in the headmaster’s chair while Clementine and A.J were still exiled. That indicates how Violet found, if not a comfort, a consolation in that part of herself.

The reciprocation continues whenever Clementine responds to her, and she validates Violet, she shows interest in what Violet says, and what Violet wants to do. Violet can ramble on and on as long as she wants, and Clementine would still listen. Violet (if romanced) can ask for a dance, and Clementine would oblige. Either way, Violet gives Clementine a pin. Clementine puts it on.

It's that compassion, and it cascades authenticity off Clementine to the people she surrounds herself with. She’s also someone who feels strongly. This character is a very empathetic person. Throughout S1, Clementine was perceptive of the people around her, and she cared. Deeply so. S2, the same thing, even if her morality began to grey. The start to closing herself off to protect herself was present. S3 as well, especially in her drive to find A.J once she learned he was still alive, out there somewhere.

Throughout the seasons, there are also plenty of moments where her empathy shows. Clementine does genuinely feel what the people around her express. Like with Louis, when his tongue is cut. You can hear in her voice how pained she is, regardless of the relationship itself. She’s pained because Louis is.

And given what she’s lived through on top of that? Clementine would absolutely put 100% in a relationship, enough to match someone like Violet.

There is another reason to this why, and the thought struck me when I was reminded of an easter egg during Violet and Clementine’s scene up on the belltower. A constellation, which Clementine can draw for herself, and he’ll wink right back at her:

Kenny.

This connection is an interesting one to make for a scene with Violet. It’s cheeky first and foremost. 

Regardless, there’s a parallel drawn here. Violet and Kenny are very similar, in that…Kenny likely had BPD. TWDGhas two seasons, then a couple flashbacks, where we can read it so. That man was volatile himself. Fiercely loyal, but could absolutely flip on a dime if his perception of the people around did not align with what he desired—it’s why he’s so fickle with Lee, to the point the gameplay reflects it, and then Clementine as well, because this behavior was the ultimate antagonist. His spiral down mental health escalated, and escalated, and escalated.

And he’s guilty. Tells Clementine that to leave him, or to shoot him, is the right choice to make.

But should the two survive together, with dreams of driving down to Florida, we find that he…is okay. He’s stable. His anchorage with Clementine and A.J is strong, without ambivalence. In this storyline, she sees that with people like him, sticking around through the bullshit can be worth the trouble.

Of course, it’s also a testament whether or not it is worth it. Some people, including myself, left Kenny in S2. Because the turmoil through the season was just that significant.

He genuinely cares, but like my mom, Kenny still hurts. Especially in S2. Because despite himself, he just could never seem to get past what he felt, and his impulses.

Clementine’s relationship with Kenny varies across different choices made, and the interpretations thereof. My personal interpretation of Kenny will contrast wildly to another. And that’s okay.

But whatever the interpretation is, and the choices made, Clementine has experience with people like Violet. She’s lived through the type of behavior conditions BPD and alike bring. She knows how to navigate them, and find healthy grounds.

Clementine keeps an open line of communication with Violet. Expresses interest, and accepts what Violet herself has to offer. But she also has her boundaries. For one, A.J. He is her priority. Two, when Violet fights her, Clementine fights back because it’s not okay—do not lay a hand on me. Now, whether or not she would’ve fought like she did if there was no bomb, and A.J was still in the cell…

I don’t know. I assume it would’ve been one of those major choices of the game. Either talk her down, or fight.

…similar to what Lee has with Kenny, up in the attic after the house in Savannah is swarmed, or on the train before that.

Bringing Kenny into the conversation is…funny, in a way. At least to me. I write all this, because TWDG secured its place in my heart by being the very thing I needed through a really, really bad year where my mental health (BPD) reared its ugly head. TWDG as a whole, but S2 especially. I realize why so many people have issues with the season, and I get it. It’s only natural for that to happen when every season has its distinctive personality—not everyone will gel with its voice. That, and it does have its fair share of flaws.

But if it was not for S2, I would not be in the fandom. Because that season was 2019 boiled down to the pure chaos I inadvertently put myself through, and it did so by having me play a character who when she was taken seriously, she just could not do it right, then…, when she wasn’t, it was out of neglect, where the adults put themselves first. Every. Time. And…one of those adults was a blunt reflection of it all.

Up until the final moment. The breaking point.

It’s how I felt inside my head. And still do, sometimes. When I’m stuck inside a season rooted in instability—a winter—, things just keep happening, and there is no end, even though I try to maintain the fantasy of peace in those slow moments. But…there’s just no end. There’s only escalation.

It was something I needed to experience in isolation, where I understood that it’s just a game, and it’s within the scope of 7.5 hours.

Swiftly thereafter, I started writing. Because again, it’s what I’ve always done. So AYDF came to be, where Clementine’s an alcoholic, but not because she’s legitimately an alcoholic in the gameplay. I get she’s not; my Clementine is an alcoholic because…it’s an obscure remark of borderline, and an exploration wherein I thought to use an entirely different disorder to express such a thing. In part because I’d yet to really (re)consider BPD (it wasn’t until some time later that I understood), but also…I’m a storyteller. Having alcoholism represent BPD is interesting.

It’s all why I adore TWDG, and my Clementine, and ADYF. Together, they’re an anchor of mine.

Clementine and Violet’s relationship included, because I did not expect to find Violet. I knew about their relationship before playing—heard it whilst I did light research on which games to buy. But I didn’t expect to find a character who…also emulates what S2 did for me. Just, in a more matured light than who I was in 2019. Also didn’t expect the relationship to provide growth for my Clementine in regards to these personalities, because mine did absolutely struggle the first time—with Kenny, and the devastating choice she made.

Cuz like.

Oops. A.J’s still alive. Um. Whelp.

(…for context—because I know the assumption—, no, Jane was not there. I left S2 with both her and Kenny dead. Clementine just shot the last adult who could’ve helped A.J.)

To see the chances where Clementine is the person Violet needed—to treat her well—, and take those chances, I didn’t expect to find Violentine as this embodiment of a healthy relationship despite borderline. It’s not perfect—obviously it’s not—, but all things considered, it is healthy by the end, no matter the route.

It’s regardless of whether or not Violet actually has BPD. She’s not diagnosed, and I don’t intend to have her be diagnosed. But at the same time…, this essay kinda makes it clear that Violet is a textbook example anyway. A good one to me.

And a good one to A.J.

[A.J, & Serving an Example]

Throughout this essay, the priority has been clarifying BPD, and unveiling what it feels like. A mechanism that may lead to the disorder, then the mechanisms that the disorder itself deploys. How it effects the person, in their identity or, most notably with Violet, relationships.

And the way Violet articulates herself, through the several dialogue lines within this post, it is evident that she’s aware. There’s a self-deprecation to it, but, Violet knows her issues and what it does, whether or not she knows its name—BPD, or something else entirely. Given the ambiguity that the game allows, it is still left unsaid.

But that’s the first thing: she does talk about it. Violet knows herself well enough to.

Not only that, she demonstrates a responsibility in her disorder.

With this essay, there hasn’t been much in the way of responsibility. Because it isn’t until A.J enters the discussion do we truly see this come to light.

I will be the first to say that, while I can sympathize with other people of the diagnosis—even empathize—, I am rather critical when it comes to being responsible of our actions. From knowing a trigger but being around it anyway, to refusing to communicate when a hand reaches out—there’s issues I take. Because there are things that needs to be done with BPD, and those are not it.

The fact of the matter is, sorry, it fucking sucks. But also, it is your disorder, as it is mine. It isn’t your fault that it happened, but it did, and you’re kinda just stuck living with it. It’s not the responsibility of anyone else to fix and manage every aspect of BPD.

Finding people like Clementine, or a support system like the schoolkids, will do wonders because, yes, they can help. But Clementine, and the schoolkids, also have their fair share of shit. To expect them to drop everything is unfair, the same way that being expected to just drop your BPD for someone else’s sake is unfair. 

It’s a give and take. There will be a ceaseless line of dialogue in the name of boundaries, and clarification, and everything in between.

So we return to Violet’s apology to Clementine.

“I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

She doesn’t excuse it. Violet gives reason—and that reason is, more or less, she was not in a right mind—, and she articulates what position she was in, but there is no excuse.

Because the difference between an excuse, and an apology, is that one is done with the intention to be forgiven, the other is done with the intention to resolve—the forgiveness is a hope, not the reward.

Being able to do such a thing, unprompted, speaks volumes to Violet’s maturity, and her understanding of her own mental health. For people with BPD, more often than not, it’s easier to blame someone else because…looking inward, and realizing you royally fucked up again is not easy. Or, it’s easier to use apologies to seek a reward—like forgiveness—, and to indulge in a brief gratification that may ensure a person stays.

Well, okay. The same can really be said for everyone. BPD, however, does has its way in amplification.

Nevertheless, A.J is able to witness this moment, take it in. It’s a lesson in itself.

But given Violet is saved, and Louis is mute, there is another moment which not only speaks volumes, but it serves to A.J clarity.

After the last meal shared in the game series, and Violet with Clementine deliberates over a caravan, A.J can ask Violet one thing:

“Aren’t you still mad I killed Tenn?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

It’s a fresh wound for her. The pain of it is laid clear across Violet’s face. However, in response,

“The thing you said on the bridge…, that he was messing up all the time. It wasn’t something new, you know. Tenn got himself or other people into trouble all the time, long before you guys got here. He was always so lost. He lived in a world that just…isn’t there, you know? And that’s why I tried to look after him. But when I was pulling him away from the walkers, and Minnie, I could also see…he just wasn’t there anymore.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

Or, it’s complicated, but she understands why. Violet is able to acknowledge where A.J comes from. She does, and she sets aside her emotions. There is no corrosion here. Violet doesn’t devalue A.J for this, even though the gravity of his choice would’ve provided a validity. A warped and intense validity, but one all the same.

They trade more words, and amongst them, Violet asks a damning question, and A.J accepts:

[A.J] “So you’re mad, but sad.” [Violet] “Can I be that for a while?” [A.J] “Yeah, it’s okay.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

A.J acknowledges her. She asks for further acknowledgement—the time to heal.

And he understands, and he allows her the room.

…the thing about Violet and A.J, in contrast to Louis and A.J, is that A.J looks up to these characters for very different reasons. Louis is a great guy. I want A.J to be like him, or better yet, a matured version of Louis. He’s charming, charismatic, good-natured, and through the game, we do see that he begins to donate an effort to do better.

Really, it’s not a mystery as to why A.J grew attached so quickly.

Violet, meanwhile, is confusing. She’s not that great with people, is instead a bit of a pill to swallow, and with her trauma comes a volatility.

Sure, she was the one who stood-up for Clementine and A.J when Louis didn’t, but in playing this season, I’ve always gotten the implication that A.J—at least initially—does have a preference for Louis. And I say implication because it’s never said outright, but there are some dialogues and reactions of his that had me wonder. I also don’t mean he doesn’t like Violet, no, but more that he doesn’t necessarily understand what Clementine sees in her.

At least, that isn’t until time passes, and more is spent with Violet, does she start to grow on him as well.

Louis models a more…digestible person. He has his problems, but they are easy to explain and understand. He was a spoiled brat. He sabotaged a marriage over something so very petty. And now, where his upbringing still rears its head through his immature work ethic, he struggles with deep insecurities.

There is a complexity here. One that does deserve its own essay, though I’m not really the right person for that. (Here’s an essay, by @stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale. Pretty good. And they gots a lot of essays like it. …but also, again, sorry for tagging; I know this is absurdly long. Lol.)

Violet, meanwhile, comes with a confusion because her issues are so steeped in stigma. Which is to be expected in conditions like BPD, where…yeah, there’s the chance she will lash out, do things she doesn’t mean, because a switch was flipped.

Where Louis is someone that A.J would like to aspire to, Violet seem to stand as a figure A.J can grow to appreciate. Having her as a model gives A.J the chance to understand that with people like Violet, you give them space and time. Work with them, and if they are genuine people, they will prove themselves worth the effort.

It does take effort, however, and the time spent with them.

And if there is no effort given, and no time spent…

Yeah. Violet will be that wallflower.

[Conclusion]

There’s nothing else this essay really has to say at its core. BPD is a very, very confusing disorder. Both internally, and externally. Stigma doesn’t help. It is, after all, a huge reason why I wrote this.

Because the stigma is quite honestly the worst thing about BPD. In many resources—whether they’re linked below, or you find them on your own—, you’ll find that a BPD diagnosis often comes with others right along with it. Addictions, eating disorders, depression…

To those who don’t know better (or maybe they do), that’s just…natural. It’s how it is.

But I remember going to my family, telling them that there is something wrong, only…to be assured otherwise. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because BPD isn’t greatly understood, and when it is, realizing that none of them got to save me from my mother in time has its way in denial. What my mother did wasn’t right, however, I could’ve ended up like her. 

Just not through those initial traumas.

Rather, I could’ve, had I made the same mistakes she did with the silent traumas thereafter—decades, now, where the people around me refuse to acknowledge my words, and listen to me, because I know the look in the eye, and I sometimes find it in the mirror. Those initial traumas may have been the first lashing, but it’s the time after which seals BPD within a person. Because the condition goes unchecked. It ferments. People tell you one thing, but you feel another, and as a child, you decide to trust their word, not your own body. Which breaks you. Gets to a point where there’s no real return, because people like me weren’t allowed to learn otherwise.

Understanding what happened to me was a very lonely experience, despite the sheer amount of people I had around me.

…and it hurts, somewhere deep in the recesses of my alexithymia, that my abuse never came from people who hated me. My mother didn’t, not in those initial years. None of my family did, in the decades into adulthood. But still, they hurt. The abuse came from the people I least want to admit, in ways that media would deem too boring for our idled attention spans.

I proclaimed that BPD is when a mechanism deploys, and the cost means a sacrifice of one integral function. It is still true—the mechanism, alongside the personality, and that specific initial trauma will influence how that BPD is expressed.

Yet, Borderline Personality Disorder happens when a mechanism deploys at a great cost, and that sacrifice is never restored. It is the neglect of the individual’s emotional turmoil after catastrophe that does it, where the same mechanism festers until it is there to stay as an ugly, depraved scar.

It is the disorder where a person was never allowed to heal, despite the mind and body screaming that they need to.

So when I hear BPD and the diagnoses alongside, I hear yet another time where someone likely knew there was something wrong, but they chose to find stability by other means, because it wasn’t found in the people around. Addictions bring those dopamine hits that BPD elevates. Eating disorders, where maybe…they can find something about themselves to control. Because there is none day to day, nor in relationships. And depression? Honestly, it speaks for itself; if a person manages to find themselves with a tumultuous anchor, or no anchor at all, it’s easy to slip into.

Or, if the diagnoses are born conditions, like ADHD or autism, or others, like schizophrenia, those speak to a concern where those conditions were left unchecked, and they festered as BPD, they were what predisposed it…

Yet, when I hear a story like Violet’s, it is a true reassurance.

Sure she’s not diagnosed. But still. The game doesn’t hide anything. It doesn’t “assure” the player that Violet isn’t this type of person, that she isn’t literally sick in the head.

TFS shows her issues quite plainly. And it’s because it does, and refuses to lie to make anyone feel better, does the game promise something that is so, so desperately yearned for in those with borderline.

It’s acknowledgement.

To tell someone that, yes, you’re not confused that you feel confused amid a chaos. You are. But there are ways to work with it, and around it. You can, actually, have strong relationships with people, and in those like Clementine, even if/when you fail, they will stay, because they understand.

To tell someone all of that is a first step towards understanding BPD, a disorder so shrouded because of stigma, and little else.

And so you have a character who still has her struggles with it, but she has a support system, and she’s taught herself enough to manage—did it well, considering the circumstances. She was left to her own devices. Sure, she had her grandparents to escape from home, but…, well. Yeah. After her grandma, Violet was then sent straight to the boarding school. The apocalypse struck. The adults left. And though her community still cherishes her, Violet…was designated as their wallflower.

So it’s funny, to have found this character this way, because Louis was right.

Violet does grow on you. If you let her, anyway. She can be suffocating.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

Volt out.

Volt's Library (my writing) Clem Comic Essay #1 (canon stuff) Clem Comic Essay #2 (language)

Links: to start your own research

BPD (General) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (4 types); 4 (quiet BPD)

BPD (Stigma) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5 (r/BPD)

BPD (Anchors/FP) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD vs Bipolar | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (comorbid BPD & Bipolar)

BPD (Identity Disturbance) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD (in Relationships) | 1 ; 2 ; 3

[lemoncake438]

How do u know if its love or mental illness?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for calling out someone for being manipulative towards a trans friend? Names have been changed for privacy reasons and TLDR at the end because this is long.

I (24f) am cis but have had a lot of trans friends (binary, nonbinary, and neopronoun) throughout the years and am very supportive so i take this very seriously. So I met this girl my first year in college (we were 18 at the time) and we became friends. We're polar opposites, she talks a lot and I don't, she parties a lot and I like to do more sophisticated things, she's a typical extrovert basically, and I'm more introverted. Anne (24f) was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I don't know when, she just told me this years ago. I've seen tiktoks about bpd and researched Google about bpd a little so I know all about how they have fave persons and will "mimic" people in the friend group and become clingy, manipulate, etc. I've seen pics of her in high school, noticed that she was a theater kid, she said she was good at acting and even said she thinks her bpd helped with her acting although I'm not sure how, but she said she only joined the theater club because a boy she had a crush on was in theater. That should've been my first red flag but I was naive. She has a degree in something else (not theater) because our second year in college her favorite character in a TV show did a certain job, she got interested in that, and now she also does that as a living. She doesn't talk about her bpd, she's only mentioned it a handful of times. I can count on one hand how many times. And I get it because she said someone once told her people with bpd should be sterilized and not be allowed near children. Which is really messed up and I hate that someone said that.

However on with the situation. One of our friends Mike (25m) is a trans man. We met him four years ago. He's very handsome, broody, introverted, intelligent, great listener, very accepting and understanding, similar to me but opposite to her. Now we didn't know he was trans until two years ago, because I asked him on a date and he turned me down, and when I asked why he told me that he was mostly T4T and only viewed me as a friend. We were like woah you're trans, okay that's cool, etc. He explained that he was lucky enough to get on puberty blockers and transition young etc which is why he passes. I said okay I'm not trans and you're mostly T4T fair enough.

Well last year Anne suddenly tells us that she is trans too. She says she's bigender. She says she is okay with either she her or he him because she feels like a man and a woman at the same time. Some days she's a woman, some days she's a man, and some days she's both, according to her. She says she does not like they them pronouns. Suddenly her and Mike are spending all this extra time together. Last month he confided in me that he thinks he's in love with her, after years of him only seeing her as a friend, and then they started officially dating.

Here's the problem: she has not changed her outward appearance, her name, started any kind of medical stuff, joined any groups, bought a binder etc. We all continue to call her she and her because she fully presents as female and doesn't have a problem with it. Also she's very effeminate in body language, the way she talks, etc. I know technically I could call her a he or a him, too, but she never asks me to or corrects people when they call her she because well technically she is a she too. Mike is the only one who uses he and him pronouns with her as often as she and her, but she has never thanked him. It really feels like she's saying she's trans and then going about her life exactly as a cis woman simply to convince Mike to date her.

First off, Anne and Mike are NOT compatible. She likes to party, smoke weed, talks a lot, I'm not sure how she graduated with such good grades or why she does so well in her job because she is honestly a LOT to handle and I'm saying that as nice as possible. Mike would never touch weed or go to clubs and he says he would be fine staying home while she does those things but how could you trust someone to party while high and not hook up with others? I've seen her make out with five people in one night at a frat party. They also had wildly different childhoods, such as she grew up in a conservative community and doesn't speak to her family, and he grew up in a liberal area and is close with his family. But more importantly she has a history of joining theater because she had a crush on someone in theater (plus she admits she is good at acting, so maybe she is acting now?) and getting a degree and job in a field because a favorite fictional character did that and now this? It feels like she was attracted to him, found out he usually dates other trans people, and found a way to continue being cis but claim to be trans without having to do anything trans related, basically mimicing her favorite person. As soon as they met they hit it off, or should I say she clung to him and pretended to have the same likes and dislikes whenever they were alone I assume.

It sounds terrible I know, which is why I discussed this with a group chat first that neither of them are in, and the group chat not only agreed that she is far too "obnoxious" for him (those were NOT my words!) but that she is faking being trans in an attempt to make him fall in love with her (which seems to be working.) I would NEVER have gone further without making sure with them first. So then a few of the people in my group chat and I held an intervention with Anne alone. The six of us (the others don't live close enough to come) met up with Anne at her place and told her what she was doing was wrong and gross and that she needed to get help for her bpd and to stop catfishing Mike. She didn't take well to what was said, which I anticipated, but she went crazy. She was screaming at us, insulting us, sobbing while yelling etc, literally said if we ever contacted her again she would call the cops, so we left.

I immediately called Mike before she could and asked him to meet me at a restaurant nearby and that it was very important. Since Mike doesn't know anyone in the group chat I went alone and I explained EVERYTHING before she could gaslight and manipulate him even further. He left, did not finish or pay for his food. I messaged him several times, but a few hours later he texted me to never to speak to him again, and then blocked me on everything. I showed up to his house and Anne was there. Mike said if I ever contacted him again he would get a restraining order on me so I left. I've discussed this with the group chat and now suddenly half of them changed their mind and don't want to talk about it anymore. Several of them left the group chat. Not only that but several of my friends who know either Mike or Anne or both have blocked me on everything. When I've tried to contact these friends through other means and explain everything, they either didn't respond or said for me never to contact them again because I was being transphobic. Listen I know under NORMAL circumstances you shouldn't question when someone comes out but this is NOT a normal situation, and now I am concerned Anne is unsafe for Mike but also an unsafe person to know, as she literally is trying to destroy my life because I called her out on some seriously messed up and abusive behavior.

TLDR am I the asshole for trying to protect my trans friend from a potential stalker?

What are these acronyms?

[alostlittleriverlotus]

what also gets me about people being so adamant about using the word "narcissist" or some form of it to describe shitty people is...there are other words. I was just watching a drew gooden video and he said "If you knowingly take part in something that has the potential to put other people in harm's way and you still do it cause it's kind of fun for you, you are selfish and you suck." (It's the gender reveal party.)

Just seeing how many commentary YouTubers, especially more leftist ones that talk about the heavier side of things like misogynists and seeing them use the term narcissistic or delusional is just. We HAVE other words we can use! We HAVE USED other words for years before narcissistic became a big trend to say and narcissistic abuse really ramped up as a pop psychology trend.

It is literally SO easy to use other words. You can Google similar words. Selfish, self centered, self righteous, egotistical, arrogant, entitled. One of the best words I find is probably entitled. Because a lot of bigots and misogynists and shit that usually get delusional and narcissistic thrown at them are really more self centered, arrogant, and entitled. Self interested, self obsessed. Especially since for abusers, misogynists, other shitty people, the entitled comes from the fact it is NORMALIZED!!!!! It is not a bunch of narcissists harming people, it is a society, a world, that has normalized this behaviour. They are entitled, they are abusive, they are selfish, they are cruel. There are so many OTHER WORDS to describe your abuse, to describe shitty people. Just call them abusers or bigots for fucks sake. And even if some delusional people may get roped into it cause they're vulnerable, typically it is a lot of people who are INTENTIONALLY doing it. It is normalized, it is allowed!

All we narcissists ask is that you not use a word that demonizes us. "There's a difference" yet other people say there isn't, other people say NPD isn't even fucking real, other people say pwNPD ARE abusive. If we used any kind of other word for the more "talked about" disorders, there would be a problem. We ask that you change it, we ask that you use other words, we ask that you not further add to the stigma. The same stigma that BPD deals with, that autistic people deal with, that any neurodivergent person deals with. The stigma and demonization is something ALL neurodivergencies have fucking faced!!! It may have moved away from demonization for a lot of disorders, but there ARE people that DO still believe it.

We fucking ask you literally use any other word. And you refuse to. You refuse to listen to us. You refuse to believe us when we tell you the harm it has and how it actually prevents us from finding resources. You say "of course a narcissist would want that." You see it as an attack on you and your trauma. You are throwing trauma victims at risk of abuse under the bus because you want to feel vindicated in your own trauma. You completely ignore any critical thinking of what we say to turn it against us, to ignore us, to bring up your own trauma as a defense point. Yes, you were abused by someone and it is terrible that happened. So were we!!! My abusive mom probably has NPD, but it did not affect the abuse I faced, it only add strains in our relationship outside of the abuse that still affect us to this day.

It is SO easy to find another word, to literally just listen to us, to not throw us under the same fucking bus. To not group us in with abusers and rapists and child sex offenders and murderers. Would you fucking like to be compared to your abuser? Pretty sure you fucking wouldn't. So why is it okay to do to us?

Some people will never listen. No matter what I say, it does not matter. As with any kind of thinking along these lines. But for those that are still reachable, please. Listen to us. And what would you even do if you found yourself having NPD traits? Wouldn't it be terrifying to see that in yourself? Because I sure as hell thought it was. It made me hate myself and further believe that I could NEVER do any wrong because I wasn't like my narcissistic abusers and worsened my relationship difficulties. A fair bit of narcissists on here had also fallen into that same hole. It doesn't heal you. It keeps you angry, scared, upset. It makes you want to hurt them back. And that will not heal you. It'll keep you defensive. It's keeping you in a victim mentality and preventing healing.

To the ones that ARE reachable, I hope you can learn something from my posts, from posts I reblog, or from any other posts. It starts with narcissists and "psychopaths" (antisocials), but it is the same place the stigma of every neurodivergency and mental disorder stems from. It's why other disorders may still get demonization from some ableists. That a lot of autistic experiences were based around how it affected OTHER PEOPLE like "think of their mom having that autistic kid :(" it is not anything new. It is the same ableism and stigma. It is less demonized for other disorders now, focusing more on treating it as no big deal, ignoring the actual difficult symptoms of such disorders (like if you have poor hygiene, people will judge you regardless), or even infantilization. There IS still stigma, but the stigma was once the same as us, demonization. It comes from the same place. It's things said about other disorders still today even if it is rarer. It's just more well known for the "scary" personality and psychotic disorders since there is a big push to destigmatize things like depression, anxiety, OCD, autism.

Do not throw us under the bus. It will do nothing. It is the same fucking stigma, the same fucking arguments. Like gay people throwing trans people under the bus, they're called the same things even if it seems like they aren't. It comes from the same bigotry, the same place of hatred.

It is not new, it is not different, it just is more common for personality disorders, psychotic disorders, and schizospec disorders. So when we bring up these things, mention how using the term directly associated with a disorder in the DSM V and how it prevents us getting help, how using the term narcissistic DOES correlate to NPD, please fucking listen.

Cause nothing will ultimately benefit you for continuing down that rabbit hole. Narcissistic abuse believers don't help victims of abuse, those articles and questions don't help you heal. It keeps you angry how anyone could do that, it takes advantage of your vulnerability and desire to find meaning and logic out of it. The reality is, you may never know why or at least not until you are away from the abuse.

We are trauma victims as well. We are still at risk of abuse because of our disorder. I would genuinely stay with an abuser just for the sake of narc supply regardless of how they hurt me if I did not have a good support system. For our "toxic" traits, we cannot work on them without help and the idea of narcissistic abuse pushes stigma further which prevents us from even finding free online resources, let alone if we actually tried to seek any fucking help.

Narcissistic abuse is not real and it will never be. Please fucking include us in "mental health matters" and the push for destigmatizing disorders. We are fucking humans that need help. And even if we were all toxic and selfish hypothetically, removing the ability to find resources or get help is NOT the way to go.

Even when I believed in narcissistic abuse, I would search to find answers on why I aligned with NPD if I wasn't an abuser or a bad person. I was terrified to even suspect it despite how much attention and love and supply I needed and how that applied to the very essence of my being. Even when I examined my own actions, all I found was treating it as if they're the utter worst of humanity. Even with my toxic and unhealthy acts because I was a fucking traumatized teen with no experience for relationships of any kind especially not healthy ones, I could not find answers or help. And all that did was reassure me that I WAS the good person, that I was JUSTIFIED in my toxic desires because I was traumatized. It did not help me with my emotional regulation, it worsened it.

Even if narcissists WERE all abusers or toxic and bad, they deserve fucking help and a chance to be able to see their actions in a better light. Some people may never change, but plenty will if given resources and actual professional help. The idea of narcissistic abuse refuses that and just demonizes it and NOBODY wants to be demonized, NOBODY wants to believe they're a bad person. The term narcissistic abuse and the environment and community surrounding it is toxic. It always will be. That is inherently what it is about. It kept me terrified that someone might call me an abusive narcissist because of my emotional difficulties, that someone would take me out of context and turn me into a monster like my family had done my entire fucking life. It keeps you defensive, it keeps you scared, it keeps you mistrustful, it keeps you in those trauma responses. It does not fucking help victims find peace of mind or heal. It keeps you triggered.

Also NPD isn't just a single disorder on its own. It's comorbid or the person could be ND in other ways. BPD + NPD, it has some genetic factors so a narcissistic parent may increase likelihood you have it, there are DID systems with it. You are not just throwing people with purely ONLY NPD under the bus, but whoever else may have it that may also fall under many other categories. I'm autistic and have NPD, I'm a system with NPD, I'm schizospec and psychotic with NPD. I have ADHD and NPD. They may not be directly related and comorbid, but I do still fall under these other categories. So autistics throwing people with NPD under the bus does nothing for the narcissists that are also fucking autistic. So by throwing narcissists under the bus, you are throwing a LOT of people with that disorder that also have other forms of neurodivergency under the bus as well. And the stigma all comes from the same place anyway.

[sadistpet]

MUNDAY QUESTIONS.

@mjm5655:

☀ ━ how long have you been roleplaying? how did you get into it?

oh my god okay i think since like. 2012...? i forgot the url of my first ever blog so i can't confirm, it might've been like december 2011, but definitely since 2012. so about 12 years ! i initially got into it via ask blogs which ykno. were all the rage back then. so that was my first roleplay... foray ig ?? i don't think i made a real roleplay blog until later, which was for a pokémon self insert oc of all things, but i'm prrrretty sure i deleted the blog years ago so i can't verify that, BUT i'm fairly sure because my initial ask blogs were pokémon themed.

so yeah ^-^ tldr about twelve years or so, and i got into it via pokémon ask blogs !

@viruslearnt:

♕ uwu ( which fictional characters are your favorites? )

GOD I HAVE TOO MANY. um. WAIT I FORGOT i have the perfect image for this here's my objectively correct mgs tier list that im not taking criticism on my partner said my category names were very raikovcore of me. and its true. but in WORDS raikov of course, raiden is also lovely little babie boy i love how bpd coded he is. i also love fortune and sniper wolf and eva because wamen. i love ocelot particularly in mgs3 because he's so autistic coded and silly and i love liquid snake because there's something wrong with me psychologically. otacon is so cringe nae nae baby but i adore him even though i want to scream whenever he speaks. i think those are my main ones

non-mgs wise though and more in general ? leo kasper from manhunt 2 ( who i also have a blog for because i have the impulse control of a hamster ), GLaDOS from portal, lisa garland from silent hill 1-3, mary from ib, clive dove from professor layton, and i think there's probably more but i fogor

@iobartach:

✮ ━ top three favorite muses that you’ve played

oh god. um. i genuinely think raikov is at the top of the list. writing him usually comes super easily to me, and that's not something i've experienced in a LONG time. it's genuinely such a fun experience to write him and i love the followers and friends i've gained from it. i really like the lore i've built for him and the intricacies i'm slowly weaving into his character. he's so silly and i care him very bad and i want to write him for a long time <3 um. let me look at my list

OH MY GOD YES tiff tannen from back to the future. like raikov she basically existed as a joke / throwaway line until she showed up in the comics, and i took that bitch and put everything i had into her. there's some shit i handled poorly and some stuff i'd change, but that community was so chill and she holds a special place in my heart. i might revive her blog one day. OH YEAH and if you google tiff tannen my rp blog still shows up on the first page

um. im gen not sure who else. i don't remember a lot of my time writing other muses. probably like some of my historical muses, or. yeah i cant remember. maybe my fnaf oc because that was the first time i got fanart of an oc and i felt like the gods themselves had bestowed it upon me

回 ━ what are your top four favorite shows?

chernobyl hbo is my favourite show ever of all time and it is the best show ever of all time factually contractually legally clinically and undisputably. i genuinely love every single facet of that show. it's what inspired me to get into researching nuclear radiation and that's what eventually led me to meet my partner ! i love that show so much it changed my life literally. i cried so hard. if you haven't watched it please do so on your platform of choice ( legal or no ) because it's genuinely amazing

neon genesis evangelion is probably one of my favourite shows ever of all time too, it hit so close to home and i'm obsessed with it. and even though none of the characters canonically have personality disorders, i find asuka and shinji to be super good representations of hpd and avpd respectively, which is great because you usually never see those anywhere ! it's so good. i also loved serial experiments lain but it hit too close to home in a way that i never want to watch it ever again because i think it will do irreparable damage to my psyche. but i really enjoyed it !

OTHERWISE i'm actually not much of a... show girlie. i like friday night dinner though i literally forgot it existed until my beloved mentioned it right now. um. most of the stuff i watch is like hell's kitchen, four in a bed, don't tell the bride, that type of shit because i'm apparently 47 years old. i have been watching dorohedoro, chainsaw man, and spy x family with my partner though !

[atlas-library]

Thank you so much for your reply💞💞 I'm the anon that asked about if toge talked or not during silly time® I loved the answer so much thank you💞💞

If it's ok for me to ask, I also have another question!! A while back you wrote about how you think he would sometimes "go cold" on other people (and I think it was mentioned in the nsfw alphabet too). Are those depressive/manic episodes? What goes on inside his head when he does that? Is it something that is triggered? Does he even realize he is being cold to other people?

(also, sorry for not replying sooner🙏🙏)

note (after i FINALLY finished writing this post) : GUESS WHO FINALLY FINISHED WRITING THIS!!!! this is probably all over the place, i'm so sorry, but honestly this is taking me so long and driving me crazy so at this point!!! i shall blabber about specific points in other posts rather than trying to keep everything in this one. Enjoy!! :D

making my night once again, anon 😔​💗​ literally never apologise for "not replying sooner", you could have literally never replied and it would have been okay, don't worry you don't have to feel obligated to do anything 💗💗💗

and i'm so glad you're asking this question omg 👁️ i've had this on the back of my mind (and in discord convos) for a while now, i guess it's time to talk about it a bit more 😔✨

listening to nda while writing this because the bass gets to me

okay so, quick disclaimer, i'm not a doctor 👁️👄​👁️ i read articles from google and try to find testimonies from people, but 👁️👄​👁️ which is why, if i say some wrong shit, please correct me, like, genuinely 👁️👄​👁️

cw. inumakis are sketchy, scarification mentioned, child abuse/neglect too, mental health ohgodbuckleup, personality disorders (from cluster b), aspd + bpd mentioned, toge seeks some thrill by jumping off buildings and bridges so that's nice 👁️👄​👁️ ig we can say that's some suicidal ideation/attempt there 👁️👄​👁️

Okay so, we need some background info before we dive in Toge's mind and mental state.

The Inumakis are very secretive, seen as a cult (something that's honestly kinda "wild" in the Jujutsu world because... wym we're kinda a cult but we got this big secretive cult that's more of a cult than us......), and they're basically naturally ominous even when they don't try anything.

The first thing you notice when you see an Inumaki, if they're an Inumaki by blood, is the markings on their cheeks. I personally don't hc them as tattoos, but as burn marks (which then had purple ink rubbed into the wounds) : the Inumakis use scarification as a way of identifying their clan members. Still, it's very specific: you need to be an Inumaki by blood. But your blood is only recognised as Inumaki if your mother is a "pure" Inumaki. (For clarity purposes, we'll use the word "pure" to describe Inumakis by blood).

Toge's father is an outsider who married his mother, a pure Inumaki. Despite his father being an outsider, this makes Toge a pure Inumaki. Toge has a cousin, his uncle's daughter, who doesn't have the markings because his uncle married an impure Inumaki.

INUMAKIS WITH CHEEK MARKINGS

Kanon (Toge's mother)

Kanon's brother (Toge's uncle)

Toge

INUMAKIS WITHOUT CHEEK MARKINGS

Toge's father

The wife of Toge's uncle (Toge's aunt)

Shion (Toge's cousin)

You can also get markings on your tongue, but it only happens if you have the cursed speech. Even then, there are different levels of cursed speech: so far, Toge's cursed speech is the most powerful in the clan. Thus how he got his tongue marking (made by burning as well) at a young age, before he even turned five.

I like to hc his mother, Kanon, also has cursed speech, albeit a lighter version that didn't draw attention and thus let her avoid the branding on her tongue. The more emotional she gets, though, the more powerful it gets (it "leaks"). Gojo experienced it first-hand, although only for a simple command ("Stop").

Toge's mother is, with her husband, the head of the clan. This actually doesn't mean much, Inumakis are very individualistic when it comes to the outside world, but they're very close with their own. They have this entire "us vs them" mentality, something that also leaks out of Toge whenever someone criticises the ways of his family (Maki does it the most). He regrets it instantly whenever it happens, mostly because he disagrees with most of his clan's customs and traditions... it's just his first instinct to separate himself from the person criticising them.

Toge's mother being the head of the clan simply means she's the clan's spokesperson whenever politics are involved; she also gets the final word during meetings, but it doesn't often reach this point. It did for Toge when his cursed speech got dangerous though (when he was barely two years old), and she basically forced the rest of the clan to let Toge stay with them.

(I know I'm talking about his mom a lot but she's very important. 😔)

🍙 small breather 🍙

Kanon, Toge's mother, is pretty much the roots of Toge's mental state. He's a carbon copy of her, physically but also psychologically: they're both strong-minded, resilient, kind and smart— But they're also control-freaks.

Kanon always had Toge glued to her hip, and even though she didn't mind him befriending Shion, his cousin, she clearly only let it happen because it made Toge happy. Kanon loves Toge more than she's loved anyone else— She loves him more than she loves her husband, by a large margin. Toge deserves the best because Toge can do no wrong— He can, actually, but she doesn't care. He's her son, and she'll love him till her last breath of life. When the accident happened and Toge got sent to the school, Kanon's mind broke a little, and she lost some of the control she had over herself during all these years— She became quiet and docile, weak, always hiding in her husband's shadow. Gojo met her that way, even though he knew better than to mess with her.

Kanon's and Toge's minds are so similar it's scary. The only big difference between them is: Kanon learnt how to deal with her chaotic outbursts and recklessness. Meanwhile Toge never learnt any coping mechanism— Mostly because Kanon didn't want to admit he was that similar to her. Thus, the adrenaline Toge is constantly seeking, the reckless behaviour, and the cold shoulders.

Now, regarding your questions about Toge "going cold".

Okay, so, again: I'm not an expert. But, I personally hc Toge has having antisocial personality disorder with comorbid borderline personality disorder... which is basically a ride, and at first glance looks like the literal embodiement of "you go from 0 to 100".

Okay so, this part is going to be a bit messy because the point right now isn't to write a whole essay about how or why Toge would have these PDs, nor to check every box for him to "qualify" as having these PDs; I guess we can call it "random facts that tie in with your questions", in a way. Idk, it's gonna be messy.

Toge has little to no emotional empathy. Let's start off by saying empathy =/= good person, so if you disagree please do some research and if you still haven't changed your mind, do some more research. <3

When I say Toge has little to no emotional empathy, it basically means that he pretty much... doesn't care about people. On an emotional level, at least. For example: Maki could cry and he wouldn't feel anything, perhaps mid-annoyance because her sniffles are too loud (if it were Yuuta, it'd be pretty because Yuuta genuinely looks pretty when he cries. Still though, the sniffles are annoying).

What Toge has instead is cognitive empathy. He may not think you losing your grandma in a traumatic accident is sad to the point of tears, but he's able to understand why anyone would cry at that, and he respects it and even offers you a shoulder to cry on. It actually makes him The friend when you need to vent or cry about something: he won't get emotionally involved, at least not like people with regular emotional empathy do, but he'll still listen (because he's a great listener) and basically ask you what you need most: for him to share your emotional outburst, for him to go on like nothing happened, or for him to hype you up without any of your previous outburst lingering in the room. Since he has little to no emotional tie to most things, it makes it easier for him to adapt to what you need, especially since he won't feel any guilt for not crying with you about your dead fish.

It can definitely make him sound a bit "callous" at times, or make him look like he doesn't care (he does, but in a very neutral, dare I say "monotonous" way)— But he does make sure you're feeling okay. He just doesn't necessarily share your feelings towards most things, or if he does it's really toned down, even for simple things such as joy (but again, it doesn't mean he's emotionless or dislikes you in any way).

Toge is addicted to adrenaline. Part of it is because he needs to feel. Part of it is also because he's used to sacrificing himself (more on that later). And part of it is because he loves the adrenaline rushing in his veins and numbing him from anything.

I've talked about it before, but Toge's a passionate soul, someone who gives endlessly and expects nothing in return— That's just how he is. His curse prevents him from talking, gives him one less way of sharing. And it's frustrating. All of this also ties with his own trauma, the neglect he faced when he was still at the Inumaki compound, of course— But he also seeks danger to cope.

Gojo's often found him on top of a building, or on a bridge, not always jumping but always looking down. Always playing some balance game— A dangerous game Gojo wouldn't even dare call an edgy prank. Toge doesn't think when there's danger, or maybe he does— He thinks about the best course of action, how to protect everyone but him. He's not part of the equation. Not only because he's extremely selfless; also because his only selfishness is putting himself in harm's way.

Toge thinks very little of his life. This entire thread so far doesn't include any significant other (other than canon characters) Toge would have, not because I don't want one included but because it's about his behaviour in general; but I think it's worth mentioning the people who hold Toge dear, whether it's romantically or not.

Toge is too selfless to live, but also too selfless to die. His only selfishness is caused by the adrenaline rushes he seeks.

Toge's a weapon. He's a thorn, an inconvenience, a dead weight people have to endure; he bleeds and makes people bleed, he's the flame that burns moths in the dead of the night. Of course he's helped people before, it's hard to live a life without helping at least one person, whether it's saving them from a collapsing building or helping them cross the street. Still.

Toge can't love, Toge can't allow himself to love. Last time he did, Gojo took him away.

Toge feels, Toge loves, Toge has only known obsession and destruction, yet he takes care of people like he takes care of the school's garden: gently. It's ironic that he's unable to do the same for himself.

He lacks empathy, he doesn't lack feelings but lacks the skills of expressing them, he lacks a stable mind that would make him happy or sad all day instead of happy-sad-sad-sad-happy-happy-sad-happy-happy— His way of showing he cares is by giving, but what else is there to give once you've run out of silly words, run out of gestures, run out of money? His life. So he pushes people away when there's a fight, yells to run, and only when everyone he cares for is safe or gone does he part his lips to bleed enemies: "Die," he spits out, similar to a snake sinking its fangs into its prey. No one needs to fear him, no one needs to see how ruthless he can be— So he gives his life, buys time, hopes that everyone will turn their back on him.

Toge sometimes has "lows" and "highs". What does that mean? From Maki's point of view, that he goes from 0 to 100 very fast. That he's hot and cold. Then again, she wouldn't be (entirely) wrong.

No one knows what triggers a low or a high; Gojo has an idea of the type of situations that would trigger it, but nothing precise. Yuuta doesn't know either, but he gets it— Or at least he tries to. Those two have seen Toge in distress the most, and still don't find much to say about all this.

During lows, Toge stops caring, starts fantasising about acting selfish, yet always chickens out— Again, that's not who he is. He feels a bit down, a bit angry at the world, but nothing a nap can't fix; unless it's a big low. Then, he hides in his room so he can cry and hit his head with his palm, tries to breathe louder than the sounds stuck in his eardrums, spams Yuuta with texts so Gojo doesn't have to catch him jumping off a bridge again.

He hates himself, too. More than usual. And, somehow, that's the hardest part.

Yuuta's had to find the right words too many times, he's had to explain to Toge why he cared so much about him and why he'd never stop caring as Toge was harshly pushing him away (both literally and metaphorically). Maki doesn't always have the patience, and she's already yelled "Okay, whatever!" and left— Only to feel guilty and check on him by the end of the day.

Gojo, similar to Yuuta, doesn't leave either— The only difference is that Gojo doesn't try anything. He'll follow Toge around and will talk about random stuff happening, but won't try to comfort Toge in any way. Toge likes it. Yuuta can be too overwhelming, too caring towards him— Almost too desperate to show his undying affection to the people he loves, and Toge finds it humiliating whenever it happens during a low: it's like Yuuta's pitying him.

Toge pushes people away so he doesn't get hurt. They'll hate him anyway, it won't take long before they fear him or decide he's the worst, even though he tries so hard to always be kind— They'll think he's manipulating them, and Toge doesn't know if it's true or not. Probably to some extent.

So he pushes them away first. This way, he knows why they'll start ignoring him, and he won't have to hurt from it. But... he also pushes people away because he wants them to stay. That's the biggest irony; he'll try to act cold and mean, to hurt them enough that they leave and never come back... because he wants them to stay despite all this. He wants to be loved despite his flaws, despite his curse, despite the fact that he's a thorn and not a rose.

Gojo stays, he's never left. Panda stays, he's understanding. Yuuta stays too, but he's confusing. Maki leaves but comes back, they're two sides of the same coin. Toge has people who care about him, but it's never enough; he's a time-ticking bomb, a mess of a curse.

Maybe he's not kind by nature; maybe the reason he tries so hard to be nice and giving is to hide how deadly he's forced to be.

anyway hope that answers your questions! 😃​

[bondsmagii]

I was diagnosed with ASPD, Antisocial Personality Disorder when i was 18, before that it was blatantly obvious but.. nobody really bothered to look into it until an incident that involved getting hit with a car and an arson charge.

There is supposed to be a line between "socio"paths and "psycho"paths but both of them are ASPD and follow the similar pattern.

when I was a little bit younger (probably 6 or 7) I had emotions, and could feel things. I felt happiness, love, fear, shit like that. eventually all of those feelings kind of just. edged in a way before vanishing. The first to go was my feeling of empathy. It was hard to think for others. a part of that was probably sped up, because I do have rather blatant memories from being 15 or so of people attempting to emotionally manipulate me, only to be shocked when I didn't care. looking back when I was younger, I don't feel what I used to either.

threats ranged from "Ill be sad" to "i have a family so I'm priority" to "ill kill myself if you don't do this for me" and over time I just. didn't care. so what if you have a family? so what if you're suicidal? the fuck?

I knew though. I knew I was turning away from this. and as I grew it became harder to find out how to process something morally. I ended up making a "red yellow green light" chart. Red light is morally wrong, yellow light is okay in certain situations, green lights are okay to do in all situations. I followed them based off of what other people thought.

you've got your basics "crimes is red light, wasting time is yellow light, returning a lost item is green light" and I just followed those rules. Though sometimes I broke them.

that's kind of how I survived. I ended up finding out that the light rules changed with each group of people you were with, and I molded accordingly. I wasn't seeking validation, I just remembered telling myself that my priority was survival, and if I wanted to survive I had to be functional. so I followed the stereotypes of a functional person. Have friends, complete education, have a job, have a hobby. occasionally, I broke my own rules. it was like I had to. it had to be done.

eventually though. someone had pointed out that I had ASPD. stupidly ironic, it was in a Cluster B group of people.

It was a little interesting watching how they reacted. "oh no. the person in a cluster b group is cluster b"

and it was annoying. interesting, but annoying.

"I follow a set of rules and personal regulations to know what's right" "oh no you're a people pleaser"

"I cant empathize" "oh so you're autistic"

"I'm impulsive" "so you're BPD"

I know exactly what I am, and the attempts to pin me as something they can wrap their head around for comfort is stupid. the attempts to comprehend something just because THEY don't want it to be what it is, the blatant denial. its so fucking stupid.

regardless. I lost those people so the concept of a social life for survival was out the window. I had actually made a reddit post about it once. its there. somewhere out there.

I've been thinking to myself "why am I in this random strangers ask box talking about this."

well. its interesting. I don't have any emotions about this experience, and truth be told I wouldn't mind if I end up just talking to the void. but its something to do.

after I lost the social group. I kind of just highlighted to myself that humans are stupid.

I googled my condition once.

"Antisocial personality disorder is a particularly challenging type of personality disorder characterized by impulsive, irresponsible and often criminal behavior. Someone with antisocial personality disorder will typically be manipulative, deceitful and reckless, and will not care for other people's feelings." 

impulsive, yeah. irresponsible? sure. criminal behavior? definitely.

manipulative, deceitful, reckless?

here's the interesting part.

I am, but no more than any other human. as if millions of people walk the streets, acting like they care about Janice's ugly newborn baby, as if there isn't humans out there who drive over the speed limit, knowing they'd get pulled over if they were caught. as if every single human doesn't put on a mask and act like they like that cashier at the counter, as if the cashier has to act like they like you back.

as if humans don't lie daily or produce impulses.

but the second the diagnosis ASPD is introduced, the second someone says "socio" or "psycho". all those collective humans piss themselves.

I know I bring up the emotions of others but I really don't care about them. I say what I say because I'm interested. I'm interested in how people contradict themselves so easily, how they talk about mental illness and the importance of understanding, and then run when they find something they don't understand.

empathy is a piss pot. a toilet that people shove their asses into and dump their thoughts into to try to rationalize their behavior. "I do it because its the right thing" "I do it because its the moral thing"

and now we are back to the lights. you do it because its green lighted. you don't do it because its red lighted. and truth is. I've broken my lights, and I'll do it again.

a woman drove up to me, and she tried to drag me into her car. I resisted, and she cut open my arm, it was a shallow gash, going down half my forearm. I bit her and got away. and so she hit me with her car. I have a polaroid of the gash.

a man came onto me while I was asleep. and I set him on fire, as the only thing closest to me was the means.

I got arrested, sure. I got charged. and I paid my price.

and I didn't feel a damn thing.

"you're supposed to feel fear in these situations" I didn't.

"you're supposed to get scared, get happy" I don't

"you're supposed to love people" I don't.

and I think apart from the gnawing annoying mold and schedules. appointments and bullshit like that. I think I'm doing fine. pretending to be just like everyone else.

and nobody will know.

honestly, I think this is a fascinating insight into how a lot more people than you would expect think, and also a look at how shoddy the entire glorification of empathy is. I do not have ASPD, but I have long since thought many of the same things as you, and I've always despised the constant tiptoeing around etiquette and the assumption that empathy is inherent and the property of Good People rather than something that fluctuates wildly and does not have as much of an impact on our day-to-day lives as most people think. a lot of the factors that govern our behaviour are not matters of empathy but rather matters of manners or consequence. you don't do something because you'll get into trouble and you don't want to deal with that trouble. you don't say something because you know it's unkind and you don't want to hurt a person's feelings, either because you're not morally comfortable with that or because you don't want to deal with the consequences of upsetting them. you do do something because the consequences of not doing it will be inconvenient. very rarely does empathy show its face, and while most people will experience doing something out of empathy, it's a lot rarer than sympathy -- something that a lot of people mix up. feeling sorry for a person or their plight and wanting to do something to help is sympathy. actually feeling what the person feels, likely because you've been through it yourself, is empathy. and you can function just fine without it.

the thing with ASPD (and other Cluster B disorders) is that they are uncomfortable for most people to fathom. they're characterised as the "nasty," "dangerous" disorders, but in reality they're just like any other personality disorder or mental illness. some people who suffer from them cause harm. many, many more people who suffer from them do not. the idea that somebody with a Cluster B disorder is going to be inherently dangerous and abusive (an attitude I see a lot of in supposedly progressive circles) is born from the fact that people are made uncomfortable by a lot of the listed symptoms, especially those involving a lack of empathy. somehow, empathy has become the be-all and end-all of the human condition, and the absolute best thing you can do to show how nice and good you are is to collapse onto your fainting couch at the slightest hint of suffering. how this self-centred attitude became the pinacle of morality I have no idea, but here we are. it is absolutely ridiculous, and nothing highlights its flaws more than how people with conditions like ASPD are treated. I was once accused of having ASPD, as in it was used as an insulting accusation, because I gave practical advice to somebody suffering with depression. this depression was so bad that it was making their behaviour towards me abusive, and when I sat them down and explained this, and pointed out practical things we could do that would help both of us, I was told by this person and their friends that I "lacked empathy." within a few weeks, they had diagnosed me with ASPD in their little group chat, and started treating me like shit for being an "evil psychopath" -- because it was very clear that they associated empathy with humanity, and if I didn't have adequate empathy, I was not sufficiently human, and therefore it was alright to mistreat, harass, and abuse me. all of this from the very same people who preached acceptance for the mentally ill -- until the symptoms got too "scary," I guess. you see it a lot in the treatment of criminals, as well: they commit an atrocious crime, therefore they lack adequate empathy and cannot possibly be human, so it's OK to torture or execute them. how many times do you see people talking about these criminals as "animals" or "monsters?" the dehumanisation always comes from the justifcation that they lack empathy.

another thing you pointed out that a lot of people are too scared to admit: it's impossible to give a shit about everyone, all the time. while this is another spectrum -- you say you don't care about anyone, whereas I do care about some -- many of us can and do prioritise ourselves and our friends over strangers. this does not mean that we're incapable of understanding, at root, that all people are people and they all deserve the same rights and freedoms as everyone else, but it does mean that we will prioritise ourselves and those close to us, sometimes at the expense of others. this is fine and normal. it's a shame, but it's a reality of life that you cannot please everyone. the attitude online these days, where you have to cater to everyone and consider everyone all the time, is absolutely ridiculous. I do not care about strangers. I believe they have a responsibility to look after themselves. while I won't go out of my way to deliberately hurt anyone, I will not censor or construct my own life and my own lived experiences to comfort or protect anyone, either. there are people out there who would judge my entire character on this, assuming I'm a bad person for it, but in reality this is completely normal. the levels of consideration that some people demand are absolutely fucking impossible, and we all have a responsibility to carry our own weight. I don't see any shame in admitting this, but for a lot of people, it seems to be a crime just to accept that you can't always consider everyone.

the entire world is full of assumptions and rules and etiquette that are there to help people navigate the world and keep things running smoothly. most of them are shallow, but they're pleasant enough. I don't mind the fact that the cashier or the waitress is being polite to me because that's part of customer service and they're being paid to do it -- but this fact does seem to unnerve some people. I like how there are set rules to follow in social situations, because it takes the pressure off and ensures everything goes smoothly. but I don't think any of these relationships are deeper than that, and I don't assume that just because I make pleasant smalltalk with someone, we're friends (or on our way to friendship). this has never bothered me, but I've seen it bother others. I've long operated under the rule that I'm there to get things done as pleasantly and efficiently as possible, and yeah, a lot of the time that does involve me acting like a completely different person. this is another normal thing; we're all different, depending on who we're with and the situation we're in. the idea of a One True Self is, I think, total bollocks, but yet this is another idea that people cling to and judge your humanity on if you fall short: the idea of authenticity. I think the world's treatment of those with ASPD, and the assumptions they make about them, highlights a lot of people's unease with this kind of thing: the fear that everyone is wearing a mask, is "lying" to them, etc, when really what's going on is that we're all strangers to most of the people we meet, and nobody is entitled to anything deeper than a pleasant and efficient conversation to get the business done. but then again, for a lot of these people, the idea that you're not friends with everyone and that the majority of people you meet will be wholly indifferent to you is a terrible one. neutrality has come to mean negativity, and that's yet another ridiculous thing.

I don't know. I just think a lot of things would be easier if people didn't act like everything had to be this Deep Meaningful Interaction. we're all just trying to get through life as easily and as smoothly as possible. this does involve some level of lying, some level of falseness, some level of pretending, and yes, some level of prioritising and selfishness. there's nothing wrong with that, and to be honest, things like your traffic light system of morality sound much more effective and trustworthy than some of the shit I've seen from self-professed Good People. your experience is a prime example of why these social rules are in place. yeah, they're silly, but they're efficient and they make things easier. I would prefer to deal with somebody like you than somebody who wants to make smalltalk deep and use me as a way to exercise their good feelings about themselves and how full of empathy they are, to be honest.

[katherinebotten]

Jack Donoghue, the opioid epidemic merch hoodie, and Salem

Jack is cool because of what he brings to the situation. The situation isn’t cool. It’s cool because jack is there. Jack sets the tone he does not let the tone dictate how he is received. He has a romantic mid-west America sensibility. Humble. Disappearing to become a heroin addict ploughing the fields of Alaska like a gold-rush miner in the 1800s. Always in a BPD codep relationship but he remains the Elvis of his life. The captain of his ship. Enough self hating insecurity that we relate to him yet enough mastery over his exterior material conditions that we are in awe. The shame never takes him under the way it would us. He is a god amongst men because shame would kill us mortals yet he takes his shame and turns it into capital through the commerce possible from fine art. Everyone else tries to be Salem but only Salem is Salem. Everyone else should try being themselves. He dated lana because they are both magicians. Liam wanted to be Jack. Every boy wants to be jack. If I saw a person in a Salem t-shirt I would make sure not to talk to them. I think identifying with Salem is for losers only. But I can’t deny the appeal of jack. And of Salem! 

Daisies boyfriend wore a black hoodie it said “I survived the opioid crisis” and I wanted it even though they are the most loser couple of insecure losers on earth. Australia’s prom king and queen if the high school was Insecure High. And it really makes you think, huh, it must be true… money doesn’t make you happy. I didn’t know who made this hoodie - for days I was thinking about it. It was like a sigil. Charged with subcultural power. Then I googled it and saw it was Salem merch... Of course! Salem merch is cringe by nature because when you signal the code that your into Salem you also signal that your a desperate creton lazy death lover with no creativity. Like every art gallery in Melbourne named after death. But this hoodie got me. Death has built in sex appeal that’s why I think it’s lazy. I wish Salem made pro-life merch but they wouldn’t, couldn’t, and won’t. Because then they wouldn’t be Salem. I come for the death and stay for the sex. Jack is the Bee Gee’s “Stayin’ Alive” song, walking down the street in spring using your denim cock crotch as a compass. Jacks cock = true north. He is magnetic because he is a child looking for a whore and/or a mother and won’t break out of himself to become sovereign (ie to become a magician) and we identify, the magnetism is that he is us but he looks, sounds, and seems cool doing it, so we idolise. We want to feel okay. We also can’t break out to become sovereign selves, we want company. But jack is accidentally a magician and I can’t figure out why. He is a martyr in that he becomes magician so we don’t have to and we praise him for it. (Idk how u become a magician without becoming a magician????) He is America. He is a poet. He is a beat poet. He is a dumb hunk. Drunk. Drug addict. Sex addict. Bpd pest. Annoying regressed pitbull. The archetype of the Casanova, Eros, Mars the planet named after the Roman god of war. He signals an authenticity that hipsters feed off but being death obsessed isn’t authentic it’s fake and a cover and fear centric and our authentic core is always life obsessed. My magic coach max says life and death are the same thing. Idk I just know Jack is a loser because death is pathetic but I also know that he gets me everytime and we love him because we want to love the fearful parts of us too and in jack we see the dualism of fear and the things we do to camouflage it that to dumb people appears as fears opposite. We want to empower the parts of us that are scared and weak and lying to cover themselves over as strong (see: in Melbourne - indifferent, apathetic, amoral, apolitical). So we love jack. Scum John Travolta. A boobytrap. Salem is for the codependent. Salem is loaded, charged, cool. 

I watched a fan made documentary on YouTube about Jack and spent the next 12 hours totally desperate to relapse. Every product we want has a secret promise it will make us feel safer. No one wants to die and to change is to die and to be attracted to darkness is liking this sensation you get when you think you are changing because you are dying because you like darkness, and how happy it lets you feel making believe like you're changing when your actually not. Surrounded by darkness my loser XXXXXXXXX thinks he is so cool because he loves death but he doesn’t change he is stuck because he thinks the attraction to death is death (he's not brave enough to die). The final thing out of Pandora’s box was hope and it was the cruellest of all because it kept people exactly as they were. Unchanging. We are such liars. Salem hoodie losers declare themselves as liars. Looking beyond death is life, like in Zazen setting up seated meditation and staring through the hoodie. Refracted out on the other side is the understanding that there is a quality within you that is dependent on external validation for your sense of mysticism, and this is of a low vibrational frequency and probably blocking you from real divine union, being yourself, knowing your purpose and carrying it out.

I wish they didn’t have the opioid brands on the back it makes it uncool, glib and heavy handed. It’s cheap like loser graphic design not fine art and you could find anything that looks like that at Savers or someone in Brunswick yuck. The front is kind of dope in that it’s a public service announcement and mysterious and doesn’t technically have to be true. Then the brands on the back is this energetic doubling down but it’s confused and Vibrationally comes off as not mysterious. Too “of the world”. Plus can you imagine all the losers behind you as you walk being intrigued or scared while reading the branding on your back it’s kind of beyond ugly thing to force to happen in the environment in fact I would go as far as to call the graphic element on the back of the hoodie environmental rape. 

It seems like no matter what he has friends and some what accepts himself. If it was one of us who ended up picking olives in willunga, South Australia, or being a cleaner on a FIFO offshore oil refinery, or in the mines of deep Queensland I doubt we would remain cool and desirable, it is the perserverance of Jack’s essense despite the material conditions that we admire. It’s like he is in the olympics of remaining cool despite what is happening around him. I would kill myself if I ended up childless and living in the fleurieu peninsula alas I am sober and Jack copes by smoking, driving a ute, staying reflexive to trends, and contributing to the zietgiest with markers reminding us of his virility via Instagram posts. I’m torn, it’s not king behaviour. I stan a drop-out, jack hangs-in. 

One day zac described to me that Ed Sheeran was famous because he distilled the essense of England into a man and that is what was being celebrated. England championing the spirit of “England”. The schizophrenia of it was enticing, I don’t know if it checks out. I think we just want to be carried off to sleep, our consciousness blunted. Nothing toooo much but enough of enough to think we’re being satisfied. A Course In Miracles says nothing of this world could be satisfying. I think jack represents the edge of an edge most hipsters are happy to occasionally occupy or aim for. If Jack actually was a frontier explorer we wouldn’t know or see him because he wouldn’t be so representable and locatable. (I wonder if that’s truly true?)

I like jack because he shows me beauty in hopelessness. Where jack is is ok not because it is ok but because jack is there. This is a representation of presence-creation. If I am ok then I can be present. At the end of it all we love hope. The art is dark but it represents making the most of nothing and that is hopeful. Jack is a magician because he is an alchemiser. 

I still think wearing Salem merch shows yourself to be retarded it’s the same as saying I am four years old but I can’t deny that the graphic design of the Salem font is an effective sigil. I respect the mastery of magic in this regard. Salem tea towels would be cool. “I survived the opiod epidemic” on a teatowel would have such a different register vibrationally than a black hoodie. I guess I’m missing the point again people want death not life from salem and tea towels are too life coded. I wonder if there is a way for salem to have less loser attracting merch? 

I know they have such bad porn star sex. I actually feel so sad writing that, I look into their eyes above and see broken 4 year olds crying out for affection and security. They could perfectly heal together, two of the same wounds. My heart breaks to think of both of them stuck on the same merry-go-round from hell.

[weabooweedwitch]

I feel weird as fuck commenting on your situation in any capacity because I'm just an online rando who doesn't know you personally or the details of your issues w/ your mom beyond what you post and it all just feels a lil too parasocial but even though alleged therapist anon raises some (potentially?) good points about your relationship w/ her and maybe overall emotional issues I don't think you should beat yourself up too hard. It's normal for trauma survivors such as yourself to have some unhealthy and toxic interpersonal habits (slightly side-eyeing alleged therapist for not at least acknowledging this instead of just going in on you). You're not perfect, your mom is not perfect, it's okay we're all imperfect beings on this planet we call earth. Whether or not you're a covert narcissist (not gonna lie I had to google that one lmao) is between you and a personal, ahem, real therapist. Maybe you have some emotional dysregulation issues okay so what? Those can be improved!

Fun story about this online rando I was actually diagnosed with moderate to severe BPD at age 18. It turns out this was kind of a misdiagnosis in the first place, but my symptomatology (namely RSD from neurodiversity) very closely mimicked that of BPD and I had a lot of emotional problems perhaps similar to your own. You mentioned doing a round of DBT when you were a teenager and not finding success, but according to my actual real therapist and personal experiences it's very common for DBT to need multiple rounds before the skills fully sink in. It's also way better doing DBT as a fully formed adult than a teenager who frankly, probably doesn't take their mental health nearly as seriously as they should lmao (this crazy girl shit gets less and less cute with age I'm telling you). I'm now 23 and after 3 rounds of DBT I'm told I don't meet the criteria for borderline personality at all and haven't for a while now. Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma around this disorder (I noticed therapist anon throwing the word 'manipulative' around a bit), but that doesn't mean it's actually true. In many ways BPD is the modern day hysteria, but I won't go down that rabbit hole, just don't pay attention to what ignorant and oftentimes lowkey misogynistic people have to say online about BPD or other mental disorder! They are stupid armchair diagnoses who 99% of the time don't know wtf they're even talking about. You are loveable and worthy of life <3

I slept after work and i have a few asks now so, I'm gonna start this discussion again but since I uh, can get overwhelmed and over emotional I might eventually disappear from answering if u need to step back, but, anyways

One thing I have to be careful about is automatically leaning into "oh maybe they aren't even a real therapist" and I even got an ask suggesting this was one of those bitch lasagna people who were trying to actively make me miserable, which, I don't think is the case, but I also have to be careful automatically discrediting or lashing out emotionally at criticism because, well, a big problem I've always had is not being able to trust my own judgment and needing feedback from other people, stemming I assume from self loathing and anxiety stuff and I technically already am diagnosed with dependent personality disorder which, lack of self trust is a symptom of that (I'm sure I've mentioned that but maybe not?). One reason i began venting online when i was younger was because I would often have these sorts of incidents with my mother and I would use my blogs as the equivalent of an "am I the asshole" forum. I try to have a discussion and hearing other people's perspectives is good, and, a big issue I've struggled with is my mom immediately trying to get personal or discredit other people when they try to criticize her. Like, this isn't me going "see, my therapist thinks she's a stupid bitch" I mean when i was a minor she would literally go from absolutely loving a therapist and thinking they're extremely talented and caring and then when I got mad and repeated things like "hey you know, this is a licensed medical professional saying that a big component of our mother daughter dynamic is that you will literally wear me down to do what you want and you make it extremely difficult for me to set boundaries" and she has, literally, gone "they shouldn't be talking to you about me like that, I'm your parent, oh they just believe you because they've only listened to you, not me"

Well. I had multiple therapy sessions where, sometimes the topic would be dealing with my sister, or because I often feel like I struggle to bring up everything from not remembering, there WERE multiple times she would come into a session with me just to add on behaviors she's seen in me and things we've dealt with with my sister, and I had therapists tell me "yeah let's not have your mom come in here, she kept actually venting about her own issues and she was literally taking over your session and she was actually talking over you"

And im not, saying that to "prove" my mom is shitty or to say "oh look see, im justified" but like. My anger has built up over time? This didn't just magically start happening?

Yeah I need to stop blowing up over smaller things but also at the same time, I think I have a right to be frustrated when I'm seeing the same mistakes over and over, at least the ones that can financially damaging? I'm still SHOCKED she just stopped randomly paying the garage because. The remote isn't working and we have to use the keypad and I think some of the keypad buttons are loosening so sometimes you have to stand there and try it a few times because sometimes it won't close, it'll "untouch" a button you're still holding down and start opening again. And her response to that was "oh they weren't getting back to my emails so I just stopped paying rent" like. She. She literally dug us a hole worth hundreds of dollars for.... feeling entitled to help and getting mad over not getting it? She's been doing these sorts of behaviors for years? (Rm for post length)

Like gee I wonder what would happen if she pulled that shit with our landlord. "Oh, im gonna stop paying rent because the exhaust fan in the bathroom doesn't work" like no???? Why is she doing these things???? I was literally raised in poverty, why is she still doing this after we've had a literal lifetime of hardships???? Like gee thanks for not paying rent when you had solid income and now you're unemployed with hundreds of dollars due, that definitely helps, thanks, that's so much better, what a wise decision 🙄 and I call her out on it and she like, she literally sees nothing wrong with what she did? Because they didn't immediately cater to her, she stopped paying rent in protest, and that's Their fault. Like. That's fucking delusional. What if the property management tells our landlord we aren't paying for the garage and we get evicted??? Like it feels like she doesn't even realize the consequences???

Anyways back to what you actually said, fjfjfjf I rambled there, one thing I've noticed about DBT from the few times I was inpatient and outpatient is. You really do have to be in the right headspace for it to even work. It's so weird because certain things they would talk about and I would go "yeah well obviously, thats common sense" and other things would, kine of create an epiphany. Like for example, a phrase I try to keep with me is "its a process not an event" which basically means "don't get frustrated at immediate growth or results, things can take time" and this can apply to therapy, medication, really you can apply it to anything, but for me personally often when I am not seeing direct or immediate results, I feel like a failure and might give up way too soon, or beat myself up when I Am showing progress, just slowly.

Another DBT mindfulness technique I actually need to practice more (and tbh this could be an adhd thing, bc, I've always had focusing issues and I've read adhd can actually cause emotional regulation issues as well) is, like. When someone is speaking to you, don't be sitting there thinking of your reply, like, literally sitting there waiting for the second they stop speaking to say what you want, because then you're not thinking about and absorbing what the other person is saying. Although in my case often times I find myself doing that because I'm afraid I'll forget what I was gonna say, and my mom could also use a little work in this department

I definitely do think it's time for me to be reassessed though. I feel like now that I'm older and can better articulate my thoughts and memories and how things affect my relationships and ability to function, it can, I dunno, yield more results? Like something I heard constantly as a kid was "oh you have depression and anxiety and a lot of things overlap, let's treat those and see what symptoms are left" and its like homie that's kind of such a bad cop out sometimes, I feel like doctors adopting that mindset in my case really missed some important stuff. Like shit it feels weird to say since the trauma that caused it isn't recent, but I still display PTSD symptoms just in the sense that I'm jumpier and hypervigilant, like if there's an unexpected noise I still physically jump, I get startled easier, just the constant like, urge and need to look towards sounds or survey my surroundings which, I recognize my brain is literally going "hey, keep a look out for DANGER"

Regardless like, me being able to have these discussions with other people, positive or negative, is ultimately for my own benefit. Because this really is a sort of thing I can't do on my own. This IS a thing you take other people's feedbacks and perspectives on. But Jesus like. I'm not saying anyone has to hold my hand but that really felt so personally aggressive and it sent me onto a really horrible mental space. You know sometimes people insult themselves and belittle themselves because they think they're a lowly little worm and they just, they just hate themselves bro, like, it isn't always some inherent attempt to manipulate or demand pity and comfort. I've actually overnormalized saying horrible shit about myself and joking about suicide to the point I say it just, really easily, it comes naturally to me now, and that's definitely another habit I have to break

There's definitely stuff wrong with me, it's just a matter of finding out exactly what and, working towards treating that. It's just, unfortunately going to take some time and I need to make sure I keep my head on straight and don't do anything drastic in a fit of helplessness and despair or anything 😅

[senrrrra]

Massive stupid narc rant under cut!!! I'm experiencing Narcissistic collapse. (Katie pls pls pls don't read I told Nathan I wouldn't say anything)

I've been having a fucking crash for a week now or something. It's been fucking hell. I wake up and I'm sad and miserable and want to break and destroy something or just everything. There's this pit in my stomach I can't get rid of.

Then I wonder, "oh, can I fix this? Can I help it at all?" and foolishly google it, hoping among all the horrible articles about how much I suck and how manipulative and abusive I must be there might be something good. But all that does is make me think about how my best friend reads all this shit, firmly believed it, and wants fucking nothing to do with me and is probably happy I'm gone. After almost 2 years, knowing me so well and me genuinely thinking we were friends, he decided I'm actually just shit and can't be trusted because he learnt something about me. He'd probably be happy if I fucking dropped dead! Then I wouldn't be a "threat to Nathan's safety".

I want to fucking sprint 300 miles in the other direction, go to the nearest town, get a job and change my name. I want to disappear. By being around Nathan, I'm causing these issues. People thinking I'm hurting him just by being a narcissist and existing around him. I can't say or do anything without having somebody be like "oh I feel bad for him/I'm worried for him, being stuck with a narcissist as a husband".

The options are to hide my NPD from everybody and hope new friends don't find out. If they find out, they'll be like oh I've been lied to and manipulated this whole time and I'll lose somebody else I've gotten close to.

Other option is to be upfront and immediately scare people off and feel so fucking unloved and hated. Having people en masse telling me I'm worth less than mud (something that was said to me when I was banned from a server for saying I was a narcissist) would do absolutely miracles for my mental health I'm sure!!!

I'm a fucking day away from shooting myself dead and I'm not even fucking joking. I'm so miserable. I could just wander out of the house one day and Nathan would never find me again. Oh, but then I'm in my head like "you're being abusive, manipulative, you're threatening suicide and you're an abusive fucking narcissist" and I'm stuck in this fucking CYCLE.

I'm suicidal because I feel so fucking hated and rejected by everybody but this suicidal ideation makes me feel even worse about being a narcissist, which makes the suicidal thoughts worse. Nobody can fucking help me. There's no resources on how to help me. Only on how to protect yourself from a narcissist's crash. Because we're going to abuse and fucking kill you, I guess.

I just want to kill myself, that's it. I feel so horrible. I feel like I shouldn't fucking front ever again. I don't deserve to exist or even fucking breathe. I hope I get stabbed to death on my way home. I hope a train runs the bus over on my way to work. I hope my chest pain is actually serious and causes my heart to stop. I hope our house catches on fire while Nathan's at work (and all of his belongings are okay, I'm the only thing damaged and killed). I hope I just stop living. Please. The fucking universe won't let me have peace or mercy for a SECOND.

I'm hated by my family, friends, partners. All my life. My whole life. People are afraid of me because of BPD and now for NPD, I'm hated. I'm treated as this horrible fucking monster with no remorse or care. I must be hurting Nathan in some way. I've become so hyper vigilant of how I act with him because I'm so scared I'm actually narc abusing him and have no fucking clue. I genuinely don't even want to be friends with him at all anymore because I can't fucking handle this. I don't want to cause more problems with his friends. I don't want to cause problems with his potential future friends. I'm so afraid of making life terrible for those closest to me.

My family made me think I made life horrible and terrible for them just by existing. I cost too much, I cried too much, I talked too much, I laughed too much, I did everything too much. I made everything so difficult for them. My friends made me feel this way. My partners made me feel this way. I'm the common denominator. I must actually be this horrible.

Fuck I should actually just die, huh? I'm really stuck like this forever. It's only a matter of time before everything goes horribly wrong and I'm the common denominator again. I shouldn't be around anybody.

[black-king-white-knight]

Vent.

Now, I understand that therapists provide an invaluable service and they’re a very important thing that I’ve known I’ve needed for many years and have tried to acquire. And will try again.

BUT.

The fucking feeling of being sent to a ‘therapist’ so utterly unqualified to deal with someone like me that I get sent into a two day (I saw him at 9AM yesterday, it’s now 11:30 the next night) depressive spiral. (Although a clue should have been that he’s a Mr not a Dr on his card.)

Like I get he was trying. But my autism, double severe general and social anxiety, BPD, severe depression, suicidal ideation, eating disorder, self-harm, ptsd, ADHD and whatever the fuck else is in my mind, plus complications from chronic pain was a little above his paygrade as an accredited social worker.

And being sent home with his refusal to engage with the reasons about the explosion of a friendship, to the extent where I’m trying to point out how my social circle has suffered due to said explosion, and how I’m trying to finish glossing over my BPD before moving on to how autism and ADHD have impacted my ability to make friends all my life because, once I make a friend I generally can combat the anxiety and depression with some help, but you know, other factors.

And I start out by... basically explaining what BPD is. (Since the explosion of my friendship largely over this was really the most recent big thing and I figured work backwards, you know? At least it’s somewhere to start.) Which really should have been a flag on it’s own but I thought, ‘Oh, okay, he’s testing my knowledge, trying to see if this might be an actual thing or just a buzzword I saw online,‘ and when I start trying to explain a Favourite Person, he’s, seemingly seriously, just like, “Well everyone has that.“

MY GUY IF YOU’RE LIKE 60 AND HAVE UNDIAGNOSED BPD THEN MAYBE YOU NEED TO SEE SOMEONE ON YOUR OWN DUDE. AND SHOULD ALSO TAKE THAT UP WITH WHOEVER TRAINED YOU AS A THEORETICAL MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL.

BECAUSE NO NOT EVERYONE HAS THEIR FUCKING PERSONALITY WARPED AGAINST THEIR MOTHERFUCKING WILL BY INTERNAL MENTAL HEALTH SHIT.

Anyway, back on topic, that, combined with boiling down all the shit I think I have through research and reading up other people’s personal experiences with their shit as either anxiety or ‘Doctor Google‘, (i.e. self diagnosis/hypochondria. Without me even getting through the entire list of shit that’s wrong with me before he leapt in with THAT particularly charming comment.) To say nothing of past trauma outside of my own head.

And to be sent home with an appointment I didn’t technically agree too, the fact that he started the appt by saying that it was for him to get to know me and me to decide “if I’m worth the time talking to professionally,“ but then didn’t ask and just wrote me in for another appt.

Oh also he kept my referral letter which seems really odd given my partner’s therapists have never done that. Previously they’ve just photocopied them and given them back. Which he didn’t seem to have one, but he can email my doctor and ask...?

And I’m kind of trying not to cry or tell him off as I walk out, especially because my dad offered to drive me and he doesn’t need additional stress, and when I mentioned how I considered myself broken, the social worker turned around and snapped out, “I don’t ever want to hear that word out of your mouth again, okay?“

Which, I get, negative self talk all that shit. But I was trying to talk about how my brain perceives me and therefore what I’m exposed to being inside my skull day-to-day.

And when I tried to list off what was wrong with me he also said like, “if I went through the DSM 5, (which he at least explained what it was) I’d find like 20 diagnoses for you, and probably 30 for me.“

Which. My guy. It’s the DS-fucking-M 5. It’s hardly a reliable source free of justified criticism.

I don’t want to say him being old was a factor, but the combo of old and sharing a building with a baptist church recruitment centre did not give me confidence I could touch on queer subjects. Like my own fucking identity.

Or that of my partner. Or my boyfriend. Or trying to explain being polyam to him.

“What’s something you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies?“

No. I have fucking *depression* my guy.

On the subject of whether or not I exercise, “No, because my shifts at work are so physically intensive and-“ I have chronic back pain, I’m going to say so that messes with my ability to exercise.

“Work doesn’t count.“

Okay, so clearly the fact that i cry sometimes because of how much pain I’m in that walking, standing, sitting etc, all hurt, CLEARLY ALSO DOESN’T MATTER.

Like how this morning I woke up at about a 5-6. Clearly irrelevant to my exercise.

So he sent me home with instructions to do a basic bitch breathing exercise, which was inhale until my lungs are full, hold for a second then slowly exhale. And I’m to do that every 10 minutes. Because, be-fucking-cause, this making me slightly light headed is good because that means my frontal lobe is oxygenated. Which is good at combating anxiety, which he describes as just, “fear of the future“, and depression is “a sadness of the past.“

SO NICE TO KNOW THAT MY DEPRESSION IS JUST A BIG SAD NOT A NEUROTRANSMITTER IMBALANCE MR. THEORETICALLY ACCREDITED FOR MENTAL HEALTH WORK SOCIAL WORKER MAN.

So yeah. Breathing exercise that runs counter to pretty much everything I have read in my own research/heard from other people, get up at 7AM every day, (with chronic insomnia? Yay.) And go for a one hour “brisk“ walk. Then come home, shower, eat breakfast, (with an eating disorder that frequently doesn’t let me get hungry until I’ve been up for a few hours?) Then write for about two hours each day.

So basically. After my very first, (and only, even I’m not that into self-harm... not anymore at least) session with this guy, we seem to have cut straight to what my life should be like as a 30-second montage in a movie when I’m in a good place, and that’s my treatment.

Oh and we didn’t even touch on my severe financial stress.

TL:DR; I seem to have acquired a fucking homeopath of a therapist.

Honestly there’s probably more shit in that hour that I’m forgetting. Credit where credit’s due, he got shit done in that hour.

It may have been because it was 9AM, but maybe there was a reason his office was fucking empty.

Oh, and the walls were thin enough that I could hear my dad on the phone outside. Not enough to hear what was said, but charming aspect to a therapist’s office. He could hear our voices too.

To be fair to him, he was quite patient with explaining shit to me. To be fair to me tho, I didn’t need anxiety explained to me like I was 6. I will survive if you call it an amygdala and not “a very old part of the brain“ my guy.

But to be fair to me, I seem to have been sent to someone with enough mental health training to help do family therapy for stressed bc of work parents and a kid caught in the middle. Not for shit of my calibre.

Although he did have a drawing made by a child presumably, thanking him for helping them. So I’m glad that kid got seemingly good help.

BUT ALSO FOR FUCK’S SAKE MY GUY.

Also he didn’t really react to the news I’m on SSRIs. And I feel like a patient saying, “Oh yeah I’m on anti-depressants-“ should be, maybe. Potentially. Possibly. A clue that’s it’s not just anxiety and implied hypochondria.

Because I get I may not have done an ideal job explaining BPD to him. But. No everyone does not have intrusive nightmares about taking the veggie knife in the second drawer, going in through either my temple, eye, or the soft spot behind my ear and carving bits of my brain out until i hit what I wanted (or at least I hope y’all fucking don’t) so I can stop fucking fixating on someone I wouldn’t even want to date/fuck if I was given a choice my own fucking brain was trying to manipulate me into, and thankfully I wasn’t. I mean even the offer to write them into my story was one made in haste courtesy of the high BPD was giving me for being able to talk to them, not something I actually wanted to do in hindsight for all sorts of reasons.

Also our knives were part of the furnishing given by the landlords and they couldn’t keep an edge for shit.

So yeah. I need help for that especially given my poor self-control, for when my FP flares up again.

Because being able to trust the objectively of your own thoughts is. Probably still something I don’t really understand ‘cause I don’t have a psychosis or something, so, you know, I’m probably just being dramatic, but that was a fucking ride of a couple of weeks.

Idk, feel like I should report him to someone for something but fuck if I know who or for what.

Now I’mma go cry, hope my hands stop shaking and probably not sleep for 24 hours.

Oh, at least he accepted the existence of my epilepsy.

Yeeeah.

[licncourt]

Okay, so I’m sorry in advance if this is long, but psychoanalysis on Lestat takes a lot of words and I want your opinion!

So I don’t personally have BPD, but I have a partner who does and I am also a psych major, so I know a lot about it. I’ve always read Lestat as having BPD so I’m glad to see you think the same!

So, one of the lesser talked about symptoms of BPD is age regression. It probably is not talked about because it is immediately associated with some weird kink stuff, but that is NOT the case in BPD. It is a trauma response that the person with BPD involuntarily does as a way to relieve their symptoms, and again, it’s done completely unknowingly by the person with BPD and they don’t chose to do it or even know they’re doing it most of the time, which sets it apart from the weird kink stuff. In BPD, it is truly nothing but a trauma response. It’s also prevalent in PTSD, which Lestat also has. You can Google “age regression in BPD” if you’d like to learn more to better answer this.

So, to finally get to my question, do you think that aspect of BPD is what contributes to Lestat acting the way he does sometimes? I.E. being bratty, acting immature and like a literal toddler at times, wanting to be taken care of by Louis, wanting attention, etc.

And also, do you think it contributed to why Lestat had such a big switch in temperament following him going underground prior to TVL? He went from being pretty abusive, manipulative, and angry during IWTV, to being a lot softer in every book after that, and any show of his temper just came off as a child having a temper tantrum. I personally read that as growth on his part, and his BPD presenting itself in a different way.

Thank you & I love your blog!

This is such an interesting concept for him and one I've touched very lightly on in my current fic (not explicitly, but it's something I've had in mind while writing certain scenes).

The way I see it is that much of Lestat's toxic behavior seems to tie back to the fact that he's permanently stuck with the mind of a mentally ill twenty one year old that in itself is already lacking proper maturation because of trauma.

Lestat has this childlike dependency on the affection and approval of others that really seems to stem from his childhood and the neglect and abuse he endured. It's like he's been stunted in his development, unable to grow and mature until that inner child is finally nurtured. He's stuck in this mental place and his maturity level reflects it. Even outside of BPD, that's a common consequence of childhood trauma, as far as I'm aware.

When Lestat experiences rejection, criticism, abandonment, etc it seems to revert him back to that childlike place as he reexperiences those moments of trauma and damage. He's taken back to that place and he responds in a fittingly childish way, essentially throwing a tantrum out of anger and desperation. Even in IWTV, some of the fights he picks with Louis feel like an ignored kid trying to get attention, even if the attention is negative. He'd rather have someone "care" enough to fight with him than feel unimportant.

When he's not acting out, this mindset manifests, like you said, in a very intense need for affection and praise. He seeks it through romantic relationships, through his books, through fame, really any avenue that gets him that instant gratification from an easy source. The desire for love (used as an umbrella term here) is the primary motivator for him across his whole arc.

As far as the difference in Lestat from IWTV vs other books, I've always chalked that up mainly to the difference in POV. Lestat in IWTV is Lestat as told by Louis after their catastrophic breakup. All the books after are Lestat as told by Lestat. With that in mind, I tend to assume the "real" him is somewhere in the middle, not as violent and cruel as what Louis described but not as innocent as Lestat portrays himself.

However, I do definitely think he's softer after his time underground, perhaps because he learned some very hard lessons and had to recalibrate. Kind of like hitting a hard reset. I'm sure this could potentially have affected his BPD presentation, but I don't feel qualified to speculate much. I think it could be a BPD thing, an overall growth thing, or a mixture of the two.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for splitting on my boyfriend?

I've been dating my boyfriend C for 2 years now. And this past month has been ROUGH. It started with him working extra late shifts for almost 2 weeks, the first week wasn't bad he was tired and I understood but quickly he became distant. And he never wanted to tell me when he was working. And suddenly it seemed like the 8 hours 12 to 8 or 2 to 11 pm shifts turned into 9 am shifts with the lack of contact from him. I'd tell him I'm worried about him, ask if he's okay, if I upset him and that's why he seeks to avoid me before and after work and he'd brush me off and say "I'm fine babe, I'm avoiding you, I'm sorry I made you feel that way" and he'd stop and be attentive to me for a few hours. And then the 2nd week came and it got worse and he became even less active and I'd ask him what's up, and tell him that my feelings were starting to get hurt more because now it feels like he's just avoiding me, same thing would be said "I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean to make you feel that way" and then he'd turn around and lag on me for hours. This was a pattern for the rest of week two and each day I told him how I felt, it seemed like he ignored me harder. And for context I have bpd, and it gets triggered when I feel ignored and shut out. And I had been managing it for those 2 weeks but all those feelings built up and Friday night, it popped. He did the same thing to me. From 9 am that day to 8 pm, he only texted me 4 times. And then I just snapped at him. I told him I felt ignored and shut out, and I needed space so I removed him from my socials online. I told him that I felt like he was doing this to me on purpose and I expected different from him but that was done bc no matter how much I told him I was hurt, it seemed like it drove him to ignore me more. Lo and behold after this splitting episode, he ignored me more. This time I didn't blame him. So I texted him again and told him I didn't want to break up but I still stood by what I said I loved him and wanted to work things out in a few days. Got ignored again, I texted him 2 days later asking to meet. Ignored again, I texted him the next day asking to meet again that same day, ignored again.

Sunday rolls around and I text him that I'm worried about him and asked if he could at least text me if he's okay. And he said he's fine and just didn't want to talk to me at the moment, I understood, I fucked up, so I apologized to him and told him I loved and then he told me he "had work". this isn't true before he ignored me he told me he ONLY had 1 day off which was that Sunday, they can't force him to work 7 days straight. But I didn't call him out in it and just wished him a good day. Ignored again

The Monday after I had gotten a package in the mail for him, before all of this I bought him somebody and skin and hair care stuff. I went through the stuff to make sure everything was right. I wrote up and good and proper apology to him and explained why I snapped and again, told him how sorry I was and that I loved him, and pasted it into Google notes and I shared it with him. Then I had my mother drop it off to him. I texted him once again to tell him that the stuff was waiting outside for him and that I loved him and to at least bare minimum communication-wise to let me know if he at least got the package and it was safe. But once again, I got ignored hard.

It's been 9 days since the splitting episode and I've tried to apologize many times and I've given him space after the Google note thing but he's still ignoring me hard. So I'm wondering, am I really that much of an asshole to deserve this treatment?

What are these acronyms?

[cheselswood-archived]

Well it took all day but I finally have Ches’s intro (hopefully) finished. As a disclaimer, this is very long (4,000+ words) and that’s... after I cut an entire section to save space. (Her zodiac chart, which... if anyone wants it let me know and I’ll make a page for it or something.). If you don’t want to read all of it, that’s completely okay! I’d rec reading her basics, bio, and personality section and I’m more than happy to answer any/all questions about Ches at any point so honestly please feel free to dm me on Discord anytime. 

From the get go I want to put the TWs tags and what sections they affect. Please feel free to skip those sections (or if you don’t want to, I’d be willing to like make google docs without those sections, or erasing certain references upon request). 

Throughout: Mental Health (PTSD, BPD, Anxiety Attacks, Non-Specific mentions of self-destructive behavior but NOT self-harm), Death / Murder (of her mother)

Basics: I get into Ches’s religious views a bit and Abortion is mentioned positively (Reason for Ex-Communication), Alcoholism

Biography: Murder/Death (blood mention), brief mention of  addiction, and brief mention of Abuse

Clover: Animal Death (not discussed, but it could be implied with context clues)

Family: These are all marked in front of the paragraph they affect (I really wish I could do a click to reveal thing under a read more, but this is the best I can do). Anyway - Death/Murder, Descriptions of Blood and Gore (nothing too graphic but worth a mention anyway), Child Death, Addiction and Relapses (Cocaine, Heroin, Alcohol), Cheating, Suicidal ideation (probably subtle enough it’s possible to not pick up but I’d rather overtag), Eating Disorders, Self-Harm

Basics.

Name: Hailey Cheshire “Ches” Elswood. ( literally this muse only acknowledges her middle name and her preferred name from it. Hailey is a word that does not compute in her vocabulary) Age: 22 Gender and Pronouns:  Woman (She/Hers) Sexuality: Demisexual, Bioromantic Birthdate: July 19th, 1998 Birthplace: Paris, France Zodiac: Cancer Height: 5’3” Group: Ex-Communicated Reason for Ex-Communication: I... mean you’ll learn more about Ches as you read but despite the fact she’s religious (raised Catholic, went back after she left the cult - your muses will see her at mass without fail every time) she’s extremely  liberal in her religious beliefs. Like “yes gay marriage, yes abortion, I don’t care what you believe you’re so valid - what works for me doesn’t work for everyone and that’s okay” and you get the gist, I think. So like... this kid literally could have speed-ran ex-communication if she hadn’t been trying so hard to actually be good and try to get into it like her father did when she was a member of the church. Although  I’m 99% sure the reason she ended up getting ex-communicated was her mouth, probably came out with “well actually Jesus never said-” and pulled out her bible to prove her point, knowing her.

Relationship Status: Single Occupation: 

College Student (English major)

YouTuber - two 1 million sub channels: a diy channel with her step-cousin (think Evan and Katelyn but #platonic) and a theme park history channel where she shows off the fact she knows way too much about them (think Defunctland and Poseidon Entertainment)

Education: Graduate of Collège Alpin Beau Soleil (international private boarding school), currently working on an English degree with full plans to eventually earn a doctorate in the field. Country of Citizenship: United States and France [dual citizenship] Languages Spoken: French (first), English, Swiss, Latin, Portuguese, and a little bit of Italian

Illnesses, Disabilities, and Other Health Things to Note:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

PTSD

Allergies: Severe Allergy to the Perciformes family of fish (tuna, mackerel, perch, and bass). Shellfish and salmoniformes (Salmon and Trout) are fine, but she won’t try any other kinds of fish just in case.

Recovering Alcoholic (started drinking way too young, has been in recovery since she was 18).

Tattoos: One, Two

Biography.

TWS: Murder/Death, Mental Illness, (brief mention of) Addiction, and (brief mention of) Abuse

One might say that Ches Elswood was born with a golden spoon in her mouth, but the truth of the reality was the spoon was probably made from diamonds. The Elswood name was always one of prestige, a multi-billion luxury goods conglomerate, a famous uncle as an actor, swiss boarding schools attended by royalty - and that was only her father’s side of the family. One would expect Ches to be out of touch with reality if they only looked at the top couple results of her google search. But, if one only looked deeply enough - they’d find the article of her mother’s murder. Julia Elswood murdered while out shopping with her eight year old daughter, a mugging gone wrong. Ches still wakes up every night on the verge of hyperventilation a decade later, desperately trying to clean her hands of her mother’s blood as if the stains the event has had on her will ever come off. Not that she'd ever let her social media presence reveal the harsh reality, a family rife with addiction and mental health issues, the two younger sisters she had to help raise when she was a child herself when her father shut down, an abusive ex-boyfriend - all those cracks in the picture frame hidden by all the pretty little bows and well placed smiles. The only hint something is amiss on her Instagram feed is her service dog, Clover, the golden retriever she’ll openly cite as saving her life while never quite getting into how.

It was a bit of a shock when Edward Elswood and his new wife, Rebekah, joined the church, packed his bags, and moved from the Upper East Side to the middle of nowhere Kentucky. And for a while, Ches tried her best to follow the rules and fit in. But, eventually she slipped, and got herself ex-communicated. And while she should be upset, in all honesty she’s relieved to be out from under the pressures of everything. Maybe the fact her father entirely disowned her should bother her, but right now she’s a bit too focused on moving forward. (At least, that’s what she’ll tell everyone if they ask.).

Clover.

Clover came into Ches’s life at the time they needed each other most. Ches’s PTSD was starting to get worse, to the point she was functioning  robotically at best. Stumbling upon an extremely young puppy with no signs of her mother caused something to click in her, an urge to work through her demons to take care of this dog. So she did. She bottle-fed the golden retriever, took her to the vet for repeated checkups to ensure she was developing fine, and eventually when she was old enough and the dog’s temperament became apparent and it was revealed she’d be well suited for the work - she started to work with trainers to train Clover as a service dog at her therapist’s suggestion.

Clover is a very calm dog, she’s dedicated to her work and it’s very common to see her laying by Ches’s feet watching her. She does NOT eat human food very often and mealtimes are routine, however Ches will sneak her some foods that she doesn’t make very often (and in turn Clover isn’t going to misbehave in public over) in her bowl when the dog isn’t looking on holidays. (Like, for example, a piece of turkey on Thanksgiving).

TASKS:

Responds to Ches’s anxiety and tries to prevent an anxiety attack from occurring when they are in public

Wakes Ches from her nightmares

Interrupts flashbacks, panic/anxiety attacks, and night terrors

 Interrupts Ches's more self destructive behavior.

Guides Ches to a safe place (if everything else doesn’t ease Ches’s symptoms)

Retrieve items when pointed and the command Récupérer is spoken (mostly trained to do this to retrieve phones during extremely bad episodes where Ches breaks down on the floor and can’t force herself to get up, sometimes Ches uses this skill because of its usefulness too).

Can call Ches's “dad” (see Logan Elswood) with a K9 phone in the worst case situation.

I feel obligated to link a picture of Clover’s fc here too, so, have a dog pic.

Personality. 

Social Standing in Town/Reputation:  At this point Ches isn’t entirely sure where she stands in town. Now that she was ex-communicated from Pastor North’s church, her own father and step-mother no longer speak to her. For the most part the rest of her family would require a flight to go see, other than when her brother, Emmett, occasionally visits. And the locals don’t trust her either, so for the most part at this point in Holy Cross she feels alone. She missed human connection, feeling like she’s got a solid group of people to rely on, and she’s hopefully at some point she’ll have one in Holy Cross.

MBTI: ENFP Enneagram: 7w8 (The Enthusiast with The Challenger wing) Alignment: Chaotic Neutral Winx: Light Pokémon Type: Ghost

What sets Ghost Types apart is that they have a past, a history that they can’t escape. That doesn’t necessarily mean a traumatic event. While some Ghosts are mournful or caught dwelling on old pains, others appear to be connected to a distant past of revelry. Ghosts are caught in a state of suspended animation. There is a consistency within them, which harkens back to some moment in time that made them who they are now. Some are obsessive about history, or about honoring their culture’s traditions. Others can’t stop reading books on Attachment Theory, and talking about how they absorbed their parents’ epigenetic trauma. They are at once both rooted and detached. Their existence reminds you time is not real.

Unlike some of the other emotionally-distant-seeming types, such as Ice and Psychic, Ghosts are not intentionally putting walls up between themselves and other people. In fact, they can be over-sharers, telling long stories about their pasts, bearing their most secret selves. There is something very vulnerable about them. Still, there is liminal veil between them and everyone else. The curse of Ghost Types is that they feel things very intensely, they hunger and yearn, and they understand the distant, root causes of many modern-day problems. Yet they can’t seem to fully connect to reality or feel anyone else reaching back at them. They make excellent poets, painters, story-tellers, fanfic writers, cultural historians, and museum curators. [Source because this personality system is not my own doing and I got the descriptions from it comes from]

Pokémon Subtype: Electric

Electric Type personalities are explosive, frenetic, and full of energy. They can be short-tempered and erratic, and often follow their own short-lived caprices and whims. They are also a powerful source of light and inspiration, however, and can be admired leaders if they harness their power properly. Electric Types are modern souls, lovers of technology as well as new ideas.

The most famous and beloved Pokemon, Pikachu, exemplifies the Electric Type. Willful yet adorable, he can be mistaken for a selfish baby. However, when your back is against the wall, you want an Electric Type by your side. They will rise to the occasion and unleash their power in your defense. Sometimes they’re baby, sometimes they want power. [Source because this personality system is not my own doing and I got the descriptions from it comes from]

(She’s also a Ravenclaw if anyone cares about Hogwarts Houses)

Talents, Skills, and Hobbies:

Piano

Archery

Baking

Singing (Voice Claim: Katherine McNamara)

Reading

Forgeries

Lockpicking

DIYS (especially involving resin)

Writing (not creatively though, essays, Defunctworld scripts)

Video Creation

Favorites:

Color: Pink (the watermelon paint color)

Food: Cheap Chinese Food (like think that $5 mall garbage)

Animal: Tigers

Drink: Cherry Cola

Flower: Lilies

Book: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Holiday: Halloween (costumes) or Christmas (gift giving)

Movie: The Shining

Scent: Vanilla Bean

Place: Her family’s flat in Paris

Quote:

“and though she be but little, she is fierce” - William Shakespeare

Bêtes Noires:

Color: Dijon

Food: Sushi (a lot of it has to do with that tuna allergy though)

Animal: Domestic Cats, she can tolerate them but they’re one of the few animals she wouldn’t seek out.

Drink: Coffee (it’s a key reason why she drinks it when she’s panicking, because who has time to panic when you’re too busy being offended by what you’re drinking? Not Ches.)

Flower: Roses (she loathes them, dislike is an understatement)

Book: The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo

Holiday: Her birthday

Movie: The Notebook

Scent: Roses

Place: Touristy Locations, she hates being around tourists ok

Misc Fun Facts About Ches.

Ches speaks English and French fluently, her mother was born and raised in Paris so she learnt them both at the same time. She’s also spent quite a few summers / winter breaks in Paris with her grandparents, so she’s got a strong love for the city. A love to the point where if you see her call NYC and Paris home interchangeably, that’s why.

If you call her Hailey she will probably pretend you don’t exist, other than to glare at you until you call the correct name. There’s a couple people she’ll let it slide with but she doesn’t acknowledge that name and she doesn’t really use it.

She’s the mom friend if your mom friend also goes “I HAVE THE BEST IDEA” and drags you into trouble themselves. Like yes this situation may be entirely her fault but she’s going to fuss over you afterward. 

This muse does what she wants, I just write it down I apologize for her from minute one. 

Ches really… doesn’t seriously date too much because of past relationships (the one where her brother cheated with him, and the one referenced in her bio). She likes to flirt (it’s a fun game to her as long as nobody gets too invested), and honestly while she doesn’t really feel attraction unless there’s a romantic attachment in place, she’s  actually not opposed to friends with benefits things either. But the second people start getting too serious she’s out the door. She’s very “you gotta leave before you get left” esc so she tends to panic the second she thinks she might be actually start being into someone. (Which is why you’ve gotta get her attached before she realized it >.> -cough friends to lovers cough- usually but I mean, I go off chem anyway so that’s not really.. a huge deal, just a fun fact!)

That being said platonic I love yous are her shit, she loves her friends a LOT, she will remind you she loves you constantly. And she’s really affectionate, she’ll walk right up and press a kiss to her friend’s cheek, she’s down to platonic hand-hold and cuddle, literally as long as everyone’s on the same page and okay with it - she’s very fond of affection and touch on average. 

Ches is rarely sleeps, like ever. In fact, while she’ll never admit to it - she’s afraid of sleeping so while insomnia, nightmares, and night terrors are all valid reasons why she’s so used to running on next to no sleep. She’s really afraid of closing her eyes at night, which further feeds into the cycle. 

She’s a bit of a closet nerd - if you look under her bed she has a chest of comic books, she plays video games when she has time (and honestly she misses them a bit when she doesn’t). LGR is one of her Youtube channels, and she knows way too much about DOS for someone who was born past it’s prime.

She got her first tattoo using a forged note of parental consent when visiting New Jersey. Edward Elswood was NOT pleased when it finally clicked to him what she’d done.

Family.

Father’s Full Name: Edward Elswood Father’s Occupation: Majority shareholder and CEO of Elswood, a multi-billion luxury goods conglomerate Mother’s Full Name: Julia Andrieux Elswood Mother’s Status: Deceased (murdered - shot to death by a mugger) Step-Mother: Rebekah Carroll Elswood Step-Mother’s Occupation: Fashion Textile Designer Siblings: Julien Andrieux (deceased), Logan Elswood (28), Jamie Elswood (26), Emmett Elswood (24), Cade Carroll (23), Jonah Elswood (22 - twin brother), Flynn Carroll (19), Effie Elswood (18), Ella Elswood (15) Other Relatives: Véronique Andrieux (grandmother), Vincent Andrieux (grandfather), Ben Elswood (uncle, famous actor), Collen Nichols (step-cousin, her partner in crime on The Elswood & Nichols Show), Belle (niece, Logan’s daughter, 3)

Family Dynamics: ...are y’all sure you really want me get into this? Ask and you shall receive.

Edward Elswood: Ches and Edward are complicated to say the least, and that’s only been amplified now that he’s a member of the North Cult and Ches has been ex-communicated. Honestly she hasn’t spoken to him since she’s left the church, and if she misses him, she’s never going to admit to it.

Julia Elswood:  [TW: MURDER / DEATH, BLOOD / GORE MENTIONS] Despite the fact her mother has been dead for over a decade, Ches hasn’t been able to escape her (metaphorical) ghost ever since the day Ches stood there, helplessly watching her bleed out. Ches’s life has been a series of what-ifs surrounding the event ever since the day it took place, and she’s got a huge case of survivor's guilt she’s been slowly working on in therapy. But furthermore? Ches has only just now started removing her mother from a pedestal now that she has the woman’s diaries, and she’s slowly but surely, learning all her mother’s secrets from the woman herself.

Rebekah Carroll: Ches honestly has extremely strong feelings about Rebekah, and none of them are good.  She hates the woman for trying to replace her mother, how she treated Cade growing up (Rebekah took the Parent Trap as a manual on how to handle children after a divorce, rather than a cautionary tale), and for trying to bond with her younger siblings whenever they arrive back home to the states. Probably the first perk Ches will list if someone asks her about ex-communication is never having to deal with Rebekah again, and she’s not sorry about it.

Julien Andrieux: [TW: CHILD DEATH] There is not a day that goes by that Ches doesn’t think of Julien Andrieux, the older brother she didn’t get nearly enough time with. She still remembers playing with him in the gardens of their update New York vacation home fondly. The day he died, and they broke the news to her, broke her. She still sees him in everything, the patter of rain on the windowpane, the moment the lights turn off in the movie theatre, the laughter hanging in the air. If she could give anything to talk to someone who was gone one last time, she wouldn’t pick Julia, but Julien.

Logan Elswood: [TW: COCAINE ADDICTION (and visual descriptions of it)] The person Ches has saved in her phone as dad, and honestly at this point, he might as well be her father. After her father shut down following their mother’s death, he was the one who stepped up to the plate,  started skipping school left and right before he completely dropped out the minute he turned 16 to raise the Elswood children. Sure, he had some outside help from time to time, like their grandparents doing there best to step in all the way from France and Ches trying as hard as she could to fill her mother’s shoes despite the fact that she was only eight and should have never had that responsibility on her shoulders. Logan is the person she calls up the second she needs advice, or she just wants a shoulder to cry on for a bit. And she misses him dearly, to the point if she ever vanishes one day suddenly, it would be smart to assume she just hopped a plane to go back home and see her brothers. But he’s also one of the people who concerns her the most in the world. There was no hiding the white powder clinging to his nose, the constant nose bleeds, the way his hands would shake, growing up. And while he’s gone through rehab programs, and he swears left and right he’s clean now, and has been for years, Ches isn’t there, and she’s scared shitless that she won’t notice the signs this time if he relapses.

Jamie Elswood: [TW: CHEATING] To say Ches and Jamie have a complex relationship would be the understatement of the century.  Jamie is an asshole, point blank, and while Jamie is actively trying to repair their relationship, Ches has absolutely no interest in it. How can she forgive her older brother for sleeping with someone she loved, her boyfriend, a person she had been considering marrying someday? She’ll give Jamie credit that he’s smart, after all, he did get into Yale law school and he’s been excelling at it, but that’s the nicest thing she has to say about him.

Cade Carroll: [TW: HEROIN ADDICTION] If there is just one lyric that sums up the dynamic between Ches and Cade, at least according to him, it’d be “I'm just the one that keeps you up at night, you love the most.” Ches always thought that “I'm not givin' up, givin' up, no, not yet; even when I'm down on my last breath, even when they say there's nothin' left” is more of the perfect summary for them though. At first, they weren’t exactly fond of one another - Ches could tell he’d destroy anyone if it meant ensuring his own success from the moment they met, and Cade dismissed her as yet another spoiled rich girl like the ones he attended primary school with. But they had one goal in common, to break up their parents, and in the process they realized the other party had way more redeeming qualities than they initially thought. At this point, Cade is Ches’s brother through and through, and she’d do anything for him and at this point she knows that she’s honestly the only person Cade wouldn’t destroy if she got in his way. She’s the one he calls at his lowest, when he needs a friend, when he has good news or bad news, and Ches is the one who will hop on a plane to pick up his pieces every time he goes through rehab again. Every single time he falls off, she’s right behind him trying to get him right back on the wagon, and despite the fact it’s become apparent pretty much everyone else in their life has given up on him because he doesn’t want to get better, Ches refuses to give up on him. She’ll be there, picking up his pieces when he falls, despite the fact it destroys her every time she has to see him in that state, because she loves him. And isn’t that what family is supposed to do?

Emmett Elswood: [TW: ALCOHOLISM, MENTAL HEALTH, SUCIDIAL THOUGHTS (it’s very subtle but I’d rather over tag)] If there is anyone in the world that Ches thinks actually gets her at her core, despite all the walls and facades she puts up, it’s Emmett. If there’s an easy way to describe them, it’s two sides of the same coin. It’s rare to see one without the other, and he followed her to Holy Cross - admittedly with a vacation home, rather than moving, but he visits often enough it might as well count.  Even from a young age, before Ches started noticing the other Elswood children also had mental health issues from their traumas, Emmett was a kindred spirit. The bursts of rage that didn’t make sense in hindsight, the inability to sleep, those dark, pressing thoughts that scared both of them to the point it eventually lead desperate efforts to silence the whispers in their heads.  The two have supported one another through every single up and down, to the point where it was debate whether or not Ches would be in his wedding party or his wife’s Camellia’s when the two got married last year. Ches doesn’t know what she’d do without him, and she’s pretty sure Emmett will never let her find out. (These two also have bonded over being the two children Edward cut off now but... I don’t want to get too into that here considering the tws it involves, and the fact I don’t think it’ll come up in character anytime soon.)

Jonah Elswood: Ches’s twin brother, and honestly the calmest person she knows. Unless there is a dog in the room, then he’s the most excitable man in the history of the universe. They were a lot closer when they younger, which isn’t to say that they aren’t close. But with him at Julliard, and her in Holy Cross, they really don’t get to see one another very often. He may be the only person Ches knows with a scrapbook of all the dogs he’s pet that the owners said he could take a pic of them, but she wouldn’t want another twin brother. He truly is the Thing One to her Thing Two, the first person she shares a new music piece with, and the person that no matter how long they’re apart or no matter how busy they get, she knows that no matter what, they will just fall right back where they’d left it.

Flynn Carroll: Honestly, Ches doesn’t have too much to say about Flynn other than the fact she loves him and she doesn’t talk to him very often. He’s back in London with his father now that he’s old enough to make his own choices, attending university and pursuing a professional gaming career while refusing all of Ches’s offers to come guest star on one of her livestreams as a small career booster. Not that she blames him, of course, so she tries to be a supportive older sister from afar - letting him do his own thing as she cheers him on.

Eiffel “Effie” Elswood: [TW: EATING DISORDERS, BRIEF SELF-HARM MENTION] If you asked Ches what her greatest accomplishment is, she'd likely cite her sisters. Effie, in particular, is a source of pride for her, and while Ches would never dream of picking a favorite, there is no denying the fact that Ches and Effie are extremely close. To the point that Ches calls the girl on zoom literally every day to talk to her and ask her all about how Switzerland is and how her senior year is going. It doesn’t matter the time, or what Ches is doing, she will answer her phone if Effie calls. Church service be damned. Effie’s probably the smartest person she knows, overall one of the best people she knows, and she’s pretty sure that Princeton would be willing to agree with her on that considering the girl got into their neuroscience program for next fall. That doesn’t say Efife doesn’t alarm Ches though, even in another country now Ches is extremely aware of the girl’s eating disorder and self-destuctive tendencies. And while she supports Effie in every single way she can, even paying for the girl’s therapy out of her Youtube ad revenue, she wishes the girl was closer so she could keep an eye on her.

Eloise “Ella” Elswood: Ches adores Ella, truly. There's a reason she makes sure she calls her youngest sister before bed, every single night, regardless of what she has to drop in order to do so - and she has without fail from the second boarding schools and distance became a factor in thier lives. But out of the two girls, the sister that makes her question her parenting skills the most is the youngest Elswood child. Sure, Ella isn't a bad child - not by a long shot, but she's seemed to pick up on Ches's impulsive streak and nothing terrifies her more in the universe than the girl falling into any of the trouble she fell into. Every time she does something reckless like walk back to campus alone at night is nearly enough to cause Ches's heart to stop beating in her chest for a few moments before the lectures start. Dramatics aside, however, despite the near daily terror Ella puts into Ches - she wouldn't trade her baby sister for the world. And every time Ella and Effie call her mom when they ask her for advice, well, she can’t imagine a day that will stop tugging on her heartstrings or stop turning her into a puddle.

(I really could get so in depth about all of these kids and their interpersonal relationships and everything but... considering this was me actually trying to keep it short.. if you ever want any additional info on the Elswoods as a whole feel free to dm me but the tl;dr is pretty much “the siblings are very close knit at this point (altho Jamie bashes heads with one or two of them), but they’re scattered all over because of college + boarding schools so Ches stays in touch with them over facetime and stuff at this point.”)

[aj28gaming]

Nagito mental illness

DISCLAIMER:

I MYSELF AM NOT A DOCTOR, SO DON'T TREAT ME LIKE ONE

I'M JUST CALLING OUT BASICALLY THE ENTIRE FANDOM FOR TRYING TO ACT LIKE DOCTORS AS WELL AND GIVING NAGITO "DIAGNOSES"

EDIT: ALSO NO, SYMPTOMS ON GOOGLE OR ONLINE ARE NOT ENOUGH

THERE IS A REASON WE GO TO DOCTORS AND MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS TO GET OUR DIAGNOSES AND NOT JUST SELF DIAGNOSE OR USE GOOGLE

Guys, can we seriously stop giving Nagito "diagnoses?"

It's seriously starting to get tiring

People are already iffy with his symptoms of Dementia

But wtf, how the fuck does the guy have BPD, PTSD, etc?

Guys, none of us are doctors

Even me, even though I make analyses on Nagito and even made a post about the possibility of him only having paranoia

Even then, I ain't saying that that's fact, all of my analyses are just theories and speculation

So stop trying to act like doctors

Seriously, I keep seeing people trying to give him a mental illness or mental disorder to "explain his actions"

Guys, you seriously don't need a mental illness or mental disorder to do that

I managed to explain Nagito WHILE COMPARING HIM TO HAJIME AND NOT GIVING HIM A MENTAL ILLNESS

Like, does anyone not know how offensive this is to people with actual mental disorders?

It's like you guys are saying "Oh, person doesn't seem stable, LET'S GIVE THIS PERSON A MENTAL ILLNESS, THIS MUST EXPLAIN WHY THEY ACT LIKE THAT"

Like bruh, not only are you disregarding who Nagito actually is and why he does the things that he does

But you are also insulting people who actually have BPD, PTSD, etc

Not every "crazy character" has BPD, PTSD, etc

And not every person who has BPD, PTSD, etc are crazy or act crazy

And Nagito isn't even crazy, he has so many reasons and motives for almost anything he does

He isn't unaware of what he is doing, he is the most self aware character in almost all of danganronpa

So stop babying or "defending" him by saying "OH IT'S OKAY, HE JUST HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS, THAT'S WHY"

Wtf, that's like if your friend did something wrong, instead of actually explaining why they did that wrong thing

You just say "OH IT'S OKAY, THEY HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS"

Wtf

Jesus christ, I'm definitely gonna try finishing my analysis sooner

[you-deserve-to-love-yourself]

[ID: Graphic that reads, "my tumblr year in review." End ID]

I posted 761 times in 2021

160 posts created (21%)

601 posts reblogged (79%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 3.8 posts.

I added 824 tags in 2021

#aure speaks - 170 posts

#positivity - 128 posts

#ask - 95 posts

#self care - 80 posts

#mental health - 66 posts

#soft thoughts - 61 posts

#anon - 59 posts

#recovery - 58 posts

#self love - 54 posts

#kind reminder - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#lol so recently mental health tumblr's been talking about stolen posts so i started googling some of my top posts to see if anyone stole

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Sometimes, you just need to remind yourself:

It’ll be okay.

It’ll be okay.

It’ll be okay.

1116 notes • Posted 2021-01-20 15:16:42 GMT

#4

You don't have to enjoy self care.

Of course, having fun and making yourself happy is always a good thing. But if doing things for yourself feels like a chore, that's okay.

Maybe going outside doesn't always clear your head. Maybe working out doesn't normally make you feel any different. That's fine! It's completely valid to treat those things the way you'd treat taking medicine: "Got my sunlight chemicals. Check. Got my exercise chemicals. Check."

It might be helpful to simply treat "getting your chemicals" as something to help you sleep and/or for your long-term health. It's great when you're having fun, but it's okay when that doesn't happen.

1148 notes • Posted 2021-03-30 21:20:39 GMT

#3

This is a positivity post for people with demonized personality disorders! People with NPD, ASPD, BPD, and any other disorder: you are valid and amazing. You’re not a monster for your mental illness. You’re awesome and I’m wishing you the best 💚

1378 notes • Posted 2021-02-09 15:16:38 GMT

#2

You are more than your mental illness. You are more than your trauma. You are more than what was done to you.

1840 notes • Posted 2021-01-21 15:16:34 GMT

#1

Self care tip: Fill your dash with content that makes you happy. Don’t be ashamed of unfollowing or blocking blogs that stress you out. This is your internet experience, so follow blogs and tags that help your mental health.

19684 notes • Posted 2021-01-16 15:16:27 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →