#and also thank the wiki transcripts my gOD

[voltstone]

ERICSON'S WALLFLOWER

or bpd as a twdg fandom essay, & violet's analysis

[Mar.26-29.2024 | 27,991]

Throughout my time spent within the TWDG fandom—since late 2019, early 2020—, Violet as not merely a love interest but a character exists as the fandom’s staunch polarization. And the funny thing?

I get it. A lot.

Much of what I’ve read into this character has been extrapolated from my own experiences, and those experiences speak to an inherent, polarizing chaos. It’s something that’s quite honestly a purgatory to try and articulate—I have tried—, and another bane to hope that people will get it. At least, enough to not just sweep my words under the rug. This essay is ultimately a trial to see if I’ve done enough work with myself, both emotionally and in writing, to be able to explain this to those none the wiser, or to the some who feel the same things, but have yet to hear it spoken with absolute clarity.

Through a fandom essay, no less. Specifically about a video game character who grows on people—Louis promises so.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Nobody really likes to talk about it. Too many times in my life, I’ve had people sweep it under the rug because it is not a pretty thing, in times where I was pleading for help; often, in presence of the wrong crowd, it feels like a target nailed to my back.

It’s intrenched within stigma. And what’s difficult about that is…, yeah. I get why. There’s no mystery to it.

…yet there is so much people do not understand because not talking about it is so much easier, and the joke is, talk therapy is quite literally BPD’s primary treatment.

And so let’s talk about it. Allow me to pull away the confusion this disorder brings, and lay it out—as best I can—in a more digestible manner, through a deconstruction of Violet. I’ll have a little fun with it. However, if this essay reads in a more…straightforward tone compared to the couple others I’ve written now, it should. I’ve attempted to write this in a more lighthearted language before, but it didn’t really get the message across well, I would slip to this anyway, so. Yeah. I will still be conversational, just less so.

With that, however, this is another long essay. I hope you enjoy. :)

[Given the subject matter & the inclusion of my own experiences, take heed. This discussion is sensitive. W/ my experiences, I assure you I'm fine. I speak from a place where I’ve worked through my experiences.]

[Also, to stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale: I reference Louis and one of your essays about him, hence the @. But this thing's real long and about Violet, and stuff. Lol.]

[Briefly, but Exhaustively, to Clarify]

Before any discussion of BPD, then Violet’s deconstruction, a few things.

One. No, I’m not outright diagnosing Violet with BPD. She isn’t diagnosed in the game. I’ve not heard anything by Telltale or anyone associated remark BPD either. None of the schoolkids, for the matter, are diagnosed because it’s not that kind of story. The most we’re given is a narrative that explores their patterns in behavior, and then one…“diagnosis” with Willy. That being the, uh, chronic masturbation. (No, I did not think masturbation would be included in this discussion, but here we are. Thanks, you bug-eyed child.) Even then, however, that was likely a symptom of a larger issue with Willy.

Instead, I like this character. I see a lot of myself in this character, recognize the patterns she exhibits, and I’m hardly the first to associate Violet with BPD—since though she’s not diagnosed…, she is a little bit textbook. I’ve also seen a lot of the fandom misinterpret, preemptively judge, Violet for the things she does.

And I don’t mean the confusion and betrayal players feel should they save Louis over Violet. That reaction is normal. Yes, feel confused and betrayed. Because that’s the intention. What I take issue with, and part of why I’ve wanted to write this for a long while, is the…undertones beneath what is generally said. The opinions, too, that go along with it. All of which, ultimately, feed into the stigma that BPD is so intrenched within. The ignorance, and the refusal to understand both why and how.

So I do this through Violet because I adore TWDG, I’m in a TWDG mood, and, she is actually a phenomenal example to use for discussions around BPD. No, she’s not canonically diagnosed, but, it is better to explain a character by using a researched concept, just as much as it’s easier to explain said concept through a fictional example.

…and myself.

This essay will have a lot of commentary based around my experiences. A lot of this disorder’s stigmatization makes it difficult to find good information to understand what it does—specifically from the perspective of the borderline personality, not observers—, because…it’s just not the same as ADHD or depression, which have been big talking points within the recent years. I also have ADHD—runs in the family. That said, conversations in mental health has its fair share of stigma regardless, it’s just that BPD…does not help itself, largely due to the concepts I’ll be going over.

Also, I am very similar to Violet, down to how we dress, but also in personality. We’re not the same, but there’s enough where I feel like I can explain a lot of this character in relation to BPD. Because it’s a personality disorder. In similar personalities, the disorder will—more often than not—present itself the same way.

This does lead me to a third: as much as I’d like to say that this discussion will be the absolute, universal truth, the reality is no, this discussion will likely have blind-spots. It won’t be universal. For a myriad of reasons.

BPD is, again, a personality disorder. Its expression is entirely dependent on the personality, and the experiences established. So anyone who is not an indifferent/apathetic person, who is more extroverted and not the marginal recluse that I am, there will be aspects of this that won’t align. The rudimentary concepts may apply, but the expressions and emotional processings behind these concepts may not.

This also bleeds into the fact that BPD overlaps with many conditions, and traits of the disorder can be found elsewhere. Which, quite frankly, is fairly standard for most disorders, because it’s about the expression and amalgamation of the traits, not the traits themselves. So, as I discuss BPD, you’ll likely find yourself relating to certain points.

Do not take this to mean that you yourself have borderline.

Well, okay. You might. There’s nothing wrong with doing research, and to evaluate all of your resources. Keep in mind, however, there is a difference between one condition relating to another, and one BPD relating to a likewise diagnosis.

BPD overlaps with many conditions (like ADHD); it shares many traits in others.

The reasons for it includes how BPD is developed, where the development will be alongside other conditions—like, say, PTSD—, or other conditions may predispose the condition—ADHD—, or, or, both.

And then, some of this relatability is due to language. There are limitations in the words I choose, especially when this essay is intended for a wider audience. When I say, I go from 0 to 100, you may know precisely what I’m putting down, or, your 0 to 100 is my 0 to 10. And there will be that barrier in understanding because…we’re different people, with different experiences, living alongside different conditions.

Some of you reading will just never understand what it means to get whiplashed by your emotions at the drop of a dime, where you’re perfectly fine one minute, and then you feel like you’re about to have a heart attack the next because someone said something, and you don’t understand why it hurt you the way it did, but it did, and you’ve already lost your shit, but you don’t want to do anything, but you can’t trust that you won’t… All…with the guilt that it is happening again, and you should have known better, and it’s all your fault…

Yeah. It’s okay if you don’t understand what that’s like. And to be quite blunt, if you don’t, be grateful. BPD isn’t fun for anyone. There are slight blessings, but those are gravely overshadowed.

Given that I do expect a lot of people reading this won’t understand, this essay will be exhaustive. I don’t really want to cut corners, even though certain aspects of my experiences will be kept to myself, and not everything about this disorder can be related to a video game character.

I do want to give it its due. The drafts before fell into the trap of not articulating precisely what I wanted, with the transparency I needed.

…hence why it’s long, but with that, let’s start with understanding BPD at its core.

[BPD, in Experience, as an Introduction]

So. Borderline Personality Disorder.

Boiled down, it is purely the complete lack of, or, the severe impairment of emotional regulation.

That’s it.

That is literally all it is. And in understanding that, it explains (in part) how and why many of you may relate to certain aspects throughout this essay—emotions, and the (dys)regulation thereof, are integral to each and every one of us.

However, BPD is distinct, and I will comb through the how and why in this section. It is quite simplistic when boiled down, but this synopsis implicates everything about a person.

It is also. Not. Bipolar Disorder.

(Yeah, let me just kick this out of the way.) 

Bipolar Disorder is about the brain chemistry, and is defined by manic and depressive swings.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the personality. It’s systemic to the person. Could someone with BPD also have bipolar? Well, yes, which doesn’t help in the confusion, but to be the least bit informative, those instances often imply a specific BPD type (comorbid).

[Further resources will be linked at the end, for the BPD types, relationship with bipolar, and additional elements to come. For the sake of the essay, I won’t delve into this in-depth.]

This nuance—comorbid-BPD and bipolar—illustrates how complicated of a conversation BPD is. Again, it’s why this essay will be exhaustive, but also selective in what it covers.

Including, but not limited to, this kind of nuance.

To embark what a severe impairment/lack of emotional regulation means, it’s important first to establish the working definition of what emotions are—the definition, at least, which this essay utilizes.

Emotions are the reactionary senses of the body. Where sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing are the immediate feedback from the environment to the body, the emotions are the immediate responses to the stimuli, to prompt our actions thereafter.

Our relationship to our emotions is a very complicated one, because…we physically feel our emotions, which can be conflated with the feedback from our environment. Comprehension is also required to understand what, exactly, these emotions are signaling to us, because an environment isn’t just physical. Social, cultural, and psychological environments are included. 

If you ever wonder what, exactly, a dog with the intelligence of a 3-year-old actually means, it’s their comprehension level of their emotions. These dogs are feeling the same emotions as a 3-year-old, and a 30-year-old. But there’s a catch: dogs don’t do the whole language acquisition thing like we do. Language acquisition being the learning process we undergo in our youth, because we are wired to speak and derive meaning through vocal, then visual, patterns.

I say this because a lot of emotions are, physically, perceived the same way, but we use language to distinguish one from another because contexts do matter. And they matter a lot.

Like, what’s the difference between lust and common excitement? They both feel similar, don’t they? But, lust is specific to a defined context.

And in this way, language absolutely contributes to the complexity of emotions.

But ultimately, emotions are just there to tell you what comforts you, and what doesn’t. It establishes what kind of environment you feel safe within, or at risk; the gradient within that establishes what you prefer, what you can tolerate. So the places you go to. The people you surround yourself with. Your interests. Activities. How you want to present yourself. Your morals, and ambitions. Identity and sense of self.

All of it is prompted by emotion, and your comprehension of that—ultimately through language—establishes how you respond.

How we actually navigate this is through regulation. Or rather, the process of self-comprehension, where an individual has to evaluate a situation, their internal reaction to such stimuli (both in thought and feelings), and the appropriate behavioral response. Dysregulation, then, is where that process is faulty.

So as we mature into adulthood, and our learned behaviors are set in stone (more or less; old dog, new trick or something), we’ve ideally learned how to comprehend these emotions, how to use language to articulate them and relay them to others, and find what is comfortable and what isn’t.

People get in the way of themselves, however.

For some fucking reason, we think we’re so fucking smart because we can talk, and we got thumbs, and we, like, stand on two feet. Or if we don’t got two fucking feet, we can build a wheely chair to sit our asses down.

And? We like to convince ourselves that we know better than our emotions, to the point where they’re disregarded. Of course, social contexts, understanding how your actions may impact others—those are all nuances which, yes, our emotions may not respect, but we do.

In regards to when people refuse to acknowledge emotions for what they are…

Piece of advice, from someone with BPD, emotions run like rivers. You do not decide what that river’s water is, how much there will be, and when it will flood. What you can decide is what canals to dig to retroactively contain that river, when to do that, and to establish how to treat the different flooding waters. You will drown if you think you can just ignore them.

Because the funny thing about water? If you fall high enough, land the wrong way, you might as well have hit stone.

In this way, emotions are devastating, and the mind and body has many mechanisms to deploy should an individual be constantly bombarded, and there is a need to prioritize our primary senses—touch, smell, sight… To prioritize a survival.

Take DID, for instance, where often it’s the mind “divorcing” itself into several identities in order to protect and shield the host from further trauma. There are many, many disorders like this where the brain deploys its failsafe, but that failsafe comes at a price.

BPD is, effectively, what happens when one of these mechanisms deploy, but the cost cripples an integral function to the human experience. It cripples the capability to dig those canals, redirect those rivers, and it can even imply a blindness to what kind of water is flooding.

…in many respects, this implies that BPD is, inherently, a disorder rooted in other conditions, just set to the absolute extreme. But when I say “absolute extreme” to someone who has never experienced emotional turmoil, the wrong impression may be impressed. Again, much of what I say may relate to your own experiences, and it’s why I have to take great care in articulating precisely what I mean because…it can be easily misinterpreted. Everybody has had moments where they are not in control of what they feel, and they do things. However, while the instances may look the same, the mechanisms, patterns and history behind them…are not.

Hence why BPD and bipolar are so often confused, because at the height of those disorders, it can very well look the same. I have had manic episodes that look identical to someone in a bipolar episode within one moment. But the differences are the mechanisms, patterns, and history. For these two disorders, it’s what’s actually going on in the brain, what stimuli we’re actually reacting to, and then timeframe. Mania in bipolar can last months; in me, I plummet into mania for minutes, or hours, or days—a week at most. And I can rocket right back out of it, back to an indifference, or into some other extreme.

And those mechanisms, and patterns, and histories are what make BPD, well, BPD. 

We now get to how BPD happens. And though there is some debate, BPD is a developmental disorder. It’s created.

Through a number of factors. Genetics (like a family history), accompanying conditions (such as ADHD, autism, due to the predisposition to emotional dysregulation), past experiences of trauma, and, the environment.

And that’s the footnote version. Because this disorder, while there are strong patterns observed across diagnosed individuals, again has its nuances. Going into what causes BPD will lead you down a steep rabbit hole—in part because it’s dependent on the person, history, and environment, and in part because…, well, there is stigma, and there’s a lot of unknowns. Borderline, as a name, is not telling of what the disorder is. There’s a long misogynistic history to the disorder’s criteria, despite the fact that there’s a lot of men out there that have stunted their emotions, will fly off the handle when their egos are slightly bruised, call themselves alphas, are vehemently loyal to that alpha identity…

Hm.

That’s a discussion for another day. Point being, I cannot indulge this essay into every kind of way a person can land themselves with the disorder. It’s never ending. I have other priorities to indulge. Such as:

What kind of abuse is commonly attributed to BPD?

The answer? For such a volatile personality?

Neglect.

Funny, isn’t it? How neglect—the absence of—is what often causes BPD, of all things. Most would likely scoff, because our world has groomed the idea that the other kinds are worse, and are what creates monsters. Because it doesn’t make good tv, does it? Like the times where I was sat in time-out for…some reason or another, on a bench beside a chalkboard. Upwards to 10 hours of the day—which is a long time at three years old. That doesn’t make for interesting scenes, does it?

No. And because it doesn’t, and stories like their spectacle, media relies on the other kinds. To the point now where it’s necessary for our idled attention spans.

To be clear, this isn’t to demote abuse types outside of neglect, nor is it to insinuate that they cannot coexist within one circumstance. The fact of the matter is, different traumas with different people in different environments will lead to different conditions. There is no worth in proving to each other which trauma is worse or better, because it’s entirely dependent on the people and environment(s) involved.

What I will demote is the common, ignorant insinuation that neglect doesn’t destroy a person.

It’s why it is ironic, how BPD—an explosive thing—is often born from neglect.

How it does such a thing is…complicated. Lucky for this essay, I’ve lived it.

Within the first handful of years in my life, there were many things like sitting on that stupid bench in my room, for hours upon hours. My parents, at the time, were young themselves and fresh from college. My dad was in the military, so he had been deployed, leaving my mom alone with me, and…her BPD. I suspect postpartum made things worse.

Before you assume, it isn’t that she didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, but it was only through the divorce a few years later was she diagnosed. So, she didn’t have the resources for such a disorder at the time. Which made things worse, because part of treating BPD is being aware you have it.

The thing about these kinds of abuse is that…they come from the people you least want to admit, and for me, it had been my own mother.

And, the thing about neglect, especially mine, is that it’s hard to explain how no…, she was home. It wasn’t like she’d leave me like that. But, even so, I couldn’t tell you what the fuck she was doing when she wasn’t in the same room.

I was left to my own devices. I told myself stories with my stuffed animals to pass the time. I was often hungry too, and there are two accounts from family where, upon visiting, they saw this little toddler know how to work the baby-gate to the kitchen, and start to prepare food—sandwiches for me, and I’d pour food for the dog.

I seldom spoke, was borderline mute. Didn’t really converse until four. But I knew what people were saying before that. I did also pick-up behaviors from my dog as well; I would pant whenever I was happy, and whimper instead of cry.

By the tail-end, as I was getting into kindergarten, my brother was born, the divorce was in motion, and my dad would thankfully win full custody, and my mom, visitation.

You see, through those initial years, those mechanisms deployed.

I had to swallow down the instinct that the parent would be the one to nurture, and I had to find ways to feed myself, then my best friend and true guardian—the dog. Had to learn how to work things like a baby-gate. I also had to be vigilant of her, and know what mood she was in.

It’s these two things, working together, which utterly fractured me emotionally. The feeling of being hungry, truly hungry, is not something I wish for anyone. The realization that it’s not because you’re out of food—not until the separation began, and the weekends with my mom were marked by this hunger—, but because you don’t know how to get that food, and the bigger person is not getting the food, so you try to learn but you are still a small child… It’s even worse. It does something to you. Then, having to sacrifice your own emotional nourishment in order to keep an eye on an adult’s volatility is that final nail.

That was the first stage of my neglect. And it was bad. It was a really, really bad situation. My brother only lived with my mom for a couple years before Dad’s full custody. In that time, from when our mother was the only one to take care of us with my dad helpless in a different country, then to switching every week, he developed OCD tendencies, which are still present.

Twenty years later now, it’s been remarked that I was…kinda the best candidate to survive this out of not just my brother and I, but our cousins as well. And I agree. I’m naturally reserved, and even as a kid, I would push back against my mom. It would ignite her, but the fact that I was confrontation said enough. Meanwhile…, I do not know how the fuck my brother would be mentally if he’d been the one stuck alone with her for those three, four years. I don’t know what my dad would’ve come back to whenever he was allowed to be with his family.

And I would not trade places if given the chance. Because even if I’m a black sheep, my mechanisms allowed me to get away as well-adjusted as I could be.

But… Still. Beneath those remarks…, there is a misunderstanding. When my family says I was the best candidate, it’s because they look at me and see a person who isn’t sick. When I say I was, I mean…my brother would have been worse off.

Granted, now that I’m out of school, it’s slowly dawned on them that…yeah no. There is something wrong.

…as I aged through childhood, I didn’t quite understand what the costs of the mechanisms deployed were, but I knew there was something very, very wrong even back then. And I would tell my family. Every now and again, throughout years, I’d raise alarm because I realized I reminded myself of my mom.

Only to be told that I wasn’t my mother, and that I was overreacting. Told me that, “People like her don’t know there’s something wrong—that’s the disorder.”

Come a mere few years ago, and I am told about times where my mother, as an adult not long before having me, would break down because she didn’t want to be like my grandmother.

There was a family history. My mother knew it. However, she was also diagnosed through the divorce, because she couldn’t take care of my brother and I. Highly doubt admitting her BPD was the reason was because “she didn’t know there was something wrong.”

I was told there was nothing wrong. Meanwhile, I would do things I didn’t understand, and experience the world in a way people around me didn’t, …as it turns out.

For one, which is still true now, I cannot cook for myself, in a kitchen, when it’s dark out. I also cannot cook when someone else is nearby, or already in the kitchen itself. I will wait, because should I cook in those times, there’s a feeling. And I can’t stand it. The feeling of—

Oh. No, the feeling isn’t being watched. 

It’s the feeling where someone may be lurking, and I’m about to get caught. This is likely a remnant of times when I was very, very young, and I tried to feed myself, and I…was caught. And she blew up.

There are other behaviors like that, specific to me. Because the body remembers before you yourself.

In the years after my mom, I found myself in the second phase of neglect—the one, I argue, is what actually creates BPD.

And again. For another time. It came from the people I least want to admit.

The neglect, the denial, in every alarm I raised did something to me. Another thing, though given my experiences, it also did feel similar to the first phase. My family loves me, I understand, and I get why they denied. Because they knew about what was happening to me, then my brother, but circumstances had them trapped in watching from afar. A sort of…they didn’t get to me in time. 

My mom was also a nightmare for my dad. So…, to see that resemblance is not something anybody wants to admit.

But still. I was in therapy (to socialize me), but that didn’t last forever, and people kinda just shrugged and thought it was good. The therapy did its job. Without noticing what was happening.

The mechanism that deployed was still there, never to be acknowledged. So it festered. It scarred my trauma over, and now, there’s a great blemish on my mental health. 

And that blemish has a name, and it’s BPD—the disorder cultivated by the neglect of an aftermath. Where trauma struck, and there was no chance given to process it effectively, and to heal.

All of the nuances I’ve discussed before remain to be true. From what I understand, however, is that the primary reason why Borderline Personality Disorder can look so differently on so, so many people, through a range of traumas is…it’s consequence. BPD has its characteristics, the ones that distinguish, because ignoring the recovery after significant trauma presents itself the same.

Now, I’ll indulge in one of these characteristics.

It wasn’t until recent, as I embarked my adulthood, where I realized the core mechanism I had inadvertently deployed, the one that came with a price:

Alexithymia.

Or, emotional blindness.

This in itself is not considered a disorder, largely because (and for the sake of this essay) it is an associated symptom, a mechanism, of many, many conditions. Depression, PTSD, eating disorders, ADHD and autism (again), schizophrenia, and I can go on, and on, and on.

BPD is included, of course.

There are many ways to be blind. Take visual blindness, where it can be an absolute void, a severe impairment, some colors recognized but not all, or, there’s too much feedback at once, and the light becomes illegible. Being devoid of emotions, or apathetic, is the standard; some people may feel a perpetual onslaught that cannot be deciphered, and others could find themselves in between.

Whatever it may be, alexithymia is characterized as the impaired awareness, explicit identification, and/or articulation of one’s feelings. So, as long as the shoe fits, and the person can’t decipher, convey/express their emotions… That shoe’s not on the wrong foot.

In my case, I fall into the standard.

When I was young, I likely stifled my own emotions in exchange for vigilance. It never left, however. If anything, it got worse the more I neglected recovery. Now, I don’t feel much, day to day. I know I experience emotion, and react to my environment, and have thoughts… Yet, the environment is almost dreamlike. It doesn’t quite register, and the people in my life feel like figments unless I’m right there with them, in the same room. I’m indifferent to most. Memories are a lot like this too—not like I don’t remember anything at all, but in the moment, I kinda just exist. I can think and plan about the future too, but it’s that I’ve realized I have to, not that I feel any kind of urgency.

Because I don’t care. At all.

Or, I do, but there’s nothing in here to tell me that. Because my body, also, is quite null. It doesn’t tell me what I feel. I couldn’t tell you in the moment, so I’ll usually resort to, “I’m fine.” And inside this head of mine? Not much. Kinda like static—the tv is on, there’s a lot of channels going, but it’s just…not there. Beyond static.

So as I write this, and write any of my works, it's less of spilling all the crazy thoughts inside my head, organizing them, and more of me spilling an open wound I don't know how to close, figured I don't really want to close it, because I kinda just like watching it spill across the page and see what I'm thinking, and what I can create.

To be quite honest, being a writer in this way does legitimately feel like I'm a blind sculptor.

If all this sounds like a depressing experience, I'm fine. Genuinely. I am. This is actually quite comfortable for me, and it's also me at my most rational. Plus, it helps that I've developed a fairly strong coping means—this writing thing—that serves to be a therapy in emotional comprehension. Another mechanism, really, that is derivative of what I did as a toddler.

I'm also a hermit. I'm content with being reclusive, and to myself.

And again, I’ve already processed all of this. I wouldn’t be writing this essay otherwise.

So how does alexithymia relate to BPD? In what way is being apathetic mean I can fly off the handle?

What does alexithymia mean for an episode?

BPD episodes vary. Depends on the person, and a trigger, and the environment.

In the traditional a switch is flipped, and the person just loses it, it’s via said trigger. A legitimate trigger, not whatever TikTok is blabbering. Trigger as in to a gun, and it just takes one pull, and you’ve been set off.

When this happens—BPD or not—, it effectively shuts down the reasoning part of the individual’s brain, and sends them straight into fight-or-flight. They are in a very primal state, and will react on emotion alone.

In BPD, our brains are wired to do that in (potentially) a very, very short period of time. Can be literally a blink and you miss it. There’s a look in the eye. If you know, you know. It happens enough times to establish a history of this within the person. Forces people to walk on egg shells to avoid this. Because it’s scary. It can get scary.

Here’s the thing:

It’s scary for us too.

Not too long ago, a lot of changes happened in my life, and on my birthday, I was driving, and I wanted, so badly, to just swerve off the road and down into the woodland—the ditches would’ve been steep enough. Woke up that day wanting to. Didn’t understand why, but I also wasn’t asking because that reasoning part of my brain was switched off. That day, the episode wasn’t explosive, but had I brushed upon a trigger, or someone accidentally said/did something, it would likely have been the case.

I was in an agitated state—straying down the line between stability, and not, where at first glance I’m fine, but…the more you look, there’s something quite wrong.

I was also craving McDonald’s. So I went. I sat myself down on my own, and ate my food.

And suddenly… Literally nothing was wrong. Well, no. I was still mildly stressed from moving from college, but, nothing was wrong that day. I was just hungry, not suicidal. Yet…it felt like I was. Had me believe it for a hot minute.

Had I not had the burger, fries, and McFlurry… I don’t know. Had I had access to something swifter than a car. I really don’t know.

This is what the disorder does. This is why it’s scary for the people around, and terrifying for us.

And in those like me, where everything is null, until it isn’t, it’s terrifying in a specific way. Goes from 0 to 100. Can get to the point where I have pain shooting down my arms, like I’m about to have a heart attack, because everything comes down upon me at once. Or, in episodes like the one I just mentioned, it creeps up on you—that agitated state. To the point where I don’t realize I’m in it, just that I’m suddenly hyperaware of everything, and there is something wrong, but I am not asking why because I can’t. So I just do. Quite blindly. And eat because driving off a road is too much effort.

So it gets scary. In those like me, where emotions just aren’t registering, I can’t tell you what I’m feeling until after the fact, or after considerable thought. Which is also fucking difficult because I don’t rightly know what I’m thinking. But given the situation, that could be too fucking late. And if the situation has me alone, to myself?

With BPD, there are triggers we know to avoid because they are related to traumas. There are things that wouldn’t normally trigger, but somehow did because they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and we didn’t even know we had a fucking camel. And then. Sometimes. We don’t even know what the fuck the trigger was, and will never know.

The last is very common when we’re unaware of our BPD, but…it also just happens sometimes as well. The world’s big. The shit life yeets is limitless. I dunno.

There’s also a humiliation to an episode. I don't know what's going on. I can't reason like I should, and I don't want you to look at me. I want you gone, especially if I have deemed you the trigger. I want to be left alone. Things will escalate, and escalate, and escalate until that is achieved.

And, there’s a guilt as well. Especially when you know you have BPD, because by then, you should know better, but apparently, you don’t.

This all sounds quite helpless, I realize. However, there’s a reason why talk therapy is the central form of treatment for BPD. Knowing how to communicate does wonders. For those with borderline, learning how to comprehend and articulate emotions, and knowing what triggers to avoid, is a long, arduous process, but it helps. In regulating emotions as best we can, and in explaining to people beforehand what to do—or after the fact, where it’s to explain it wasn’t their fault.

And for those without BPD? Being able to recognize the warning signs on a person is detrimental. Because, believe it or not, there are warning signs. Sometimes they could be the split-second before, however, if there is someone in an agitated state, knowing what that looks like means you know how to avoid an episode, and it gives room to be able to console the person beforehand.

As said. There’s a look in the eyes. I know, because that’s what I spent my first few years of life figuring out.

The arduous process also unveils the…ambiguous sides to BPD. The stuff that people don’t really talk as much, whenever BPD is brought to the table at all. 

For this essay, I will spare a glance at identity. No, identity doesn’t have much to do with Violet. However, acknowledging this ambiguous side to BPD establishes just how far this disorder goes, and it tends to crop up when least expected. (It will do so in this essay.)

A disorder of emotional regulation implicates everything, and sense of self is guided by emotion.

So what happens to one’s identity if there’s no guide to that sense of self?

It’s bleak. Or there’s a turbulence. Either way, it’s hard to decipher what exactly you want out of life, and for yourself, because there’s just no good way to tell what makes you comfortable, and what doesn’t. But you still strive to find stability. So you mirror those around you. To blend in and be accepted. By chance, it can extend beyond humans; me mimicking my dog—panting when I’m happy, whimpering when I’m sad—, it was probably so that my dog would console me when my mom wasn’t around. Because my dog (a lovely boxer) was very attuned to me.

The conversation with identity is…just another complicated thing. And this one is harder to articulate, in part because it’s not really discussed by people who don’t have the disorder. As opposed to the mood swings.

All that to say, when it comes to this analysis, the truth is, there’s not a feasible way to explore the nuances such as Violet’s relationship with identity, or alexithymia, because they aren’t spoken aloud to give us enough insight, and by proxy, these aspects of BPD are not what Violet represents. But acknowledging such nuances provides a better understanding in what this disorder means.

Regardless, Violet is a representation BPD in relationships, and the dysfunction of those bonds. How it’s exacerbated within an apocalypse, and then the self-treatment of.

Or, or, Violet has…a tendency to be a wallflower. More or less.

[Ericson's Resident Wallflower]

The Final Season (TFS) is particular when it comes to Violet. It will be evident throughout this essay, the care that the game and the team behind it devoted for her. From the dialogue to her actions, Telltale did well in illustrating this character. I will argue, however, that the quiet intensity in nuance laid throughout is what evoked the need to write this essay.

Because Violet represents something quite thoughtful in regards to mental health—the reality of what a disorder is, and what it can do.

So TFS is particular, and it begins with her introduction, where there’s this need to recontextualize her. Not once, but twice.

Clementine is first introduced to her silently. She follows Marlon out into the courtyard, and Tenn whistles at the wall.

Because on the school’s wall is a girl, and she rises from her lounging at its height. There’s a glance shared between Clementine and Violet, before Clementine speaks more with Marlon. After that, another glance, where Violet turns away—not before the player can spy a bit of intrigue in her face.

Clementine reunites with A.J, meets Louis, before a recontextualization, where Violet (she does talk) snarks about the crashed car, and the walkers that the accident brought to their door.

And it takes Louis to pry a proper greeting from her:

“Ahem. ‘Hello, Clementine. I’m Violet. Nice to meet you.’” “What he said.” [. . .] “Don’t mind Violet. She, uh…, grows on you. I promise.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | School Gate]

Good job, Violet. Way to be sociable.

Sarcasm aside, yeah, it’s a little rough. Violet is overall dismissive of Clementine, save for the comments. To the point where she has Louis introduce her ass.

Now Louis…is a quiet presence throughout this essay, though he is all the more integral to her character. There will be fewer words compared to other relationships, but those words signify a unique dichotomy between him and Violet, one that the other schoolkids—Minnie and Brody included—do not have with her.

And it starts immediately. That dichotomy. Louis is the one who tells Clementine Violet’s name. He is the one who formally introduces the two. Because he knows how Violet is. Ensures to lingers so that he tell Clementine—promise her—how Violet is worth sticking around for.

It’s just that the girl is troubled. So.

Thereafter, his banter is teasing, and Violet is still sardonic. But, she ultimately does play along. In her own way. When in the woods, and the schoolkids are focused on clearing walkers to have Aasim, Brody and Mitch make a safe return, Louis strikes the conversation, Violet scoffs, but can relent depending on the player’s dialogue choice(s). It is important to note that Violet scoffing doesn’t necessarily equate to her being mean; it’s clear through the card game later that…this is her way of banter, with Louis especially. She takes jabs at him. He retorts. Does the same. It’s on equal footing.

The next true recontextualization presents a taste of what Louis means. After clearing the walkers, and A.J socks Marlon, Clementine is left to acquaint herself with the other schoolkids. Mitch and Willy, Omar and Louis, Aasim, Ruby (where A.J apologizes for biting), and Tenn, right alongside Violet.

And those two are tending to the school’s makeshift cemetery. It brief, but Violet explains they lost the twins, and for the hour, they’re paying their respects.

From the wall, then the gate, then here, at their burial ground, it’s as though TFS wanted to scatter Violet’s introduction across her nuances. First it’s a silent couple glances, with her overlooking the courtyard at a perch, then it’s her being a little prick at the gate, a lightheartedness when mowing down walkers, and then it’s…this, a staunch vulnerability to and for her people. In context to the graves, her people being the twins.

All the moments that night thereafter feed into this. The card game goes back to an apathetic, yet also teasing, demeanor. Her shared conversation with Clementine, as A.J becomes an artist draws, it’s again a vulnerability, this time rattled by the fact that the dorm was once the twins’.

Throughout this first episode, Violet’s standing with the rest is shown to be quite reflective of this almost inconsistent preamble.

Marlon is the most succinct when he remarks, in the rain, after Clementine chooses to ask for Violet’s support:

“Violet being difficult. Why am I not surprised?” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Courtyard]

It’s such a blunt statement, intended to dig at her.

Though, there is truth to it. Violet’s introduction overall says as much. She admits it herself when in the dorm, and she finds that Clementine is housed where the twins were.

“Honestly, I just miss having someone around to talk to. [. . .] And I’m not, exactly, like…a people person. You know? I know I sometimes have a habit… Have a habit of being a little bit too harsh.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

Violet is not sociable, so naturally, she struggles to find someone to talk to. But, she is also sardonic—that much we got from the gate, even if it was followed by Louis’ banter which she reciprocates. 

But ultimately, it’s Brody who gives the best context to Violet, and really voices what Louis is getting at.

When Clementine goes fishing, Brody begins a conversation, and within that, she can reveal based off the prompts:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s two key things here, starting with the unsociability that Violet’s demeanor and Marlon’s slight reference.

Then, the revelation that Violet has closed herself off. She’s become distant within the past year.

…it implies that the Violet first introduced to us is not truly Violet, in a sense. It presents to the player thatmuch of her arc with Clementine will be about uncovering her, and really bringing Violet from this depressive spiral. Romantically or platonically so. And these lines are intended to both explain the character, and to incite enough intrigue for the player to follow Violet down her route. 

But it’s rather unfortunate that so much of this character is hidden away from the start, because there's the chance that people glance over her, take this initial Violet as Violet, and decide to spend more time with Louis and follow down his route. Because, for the sake of this essay, it's damn near impossible to really appreciate this character when you don't go with her route.

Same can be said for Louis, of course. But, respectfully...

It ain't about him. So. Moving on.

Playing leader.

When Marlon is shot, Violet immediately jumps into action to protect Clementine and A.J from getting jumped by the rest, and she assumes the leadership role. Regardless of player choice. There is an curious point with her being a leader, though that will be set aside to explore later.

Instead, I’ll side-step, and bring about a piece of conversation upon Clementine and A.J’s return. In this, we gather a very telling side of Violet, one that speaks volumes to her character.

[Clementine] “You’re sitting in Marlon’s chair, aren’t you? You’re their leader now. They’ll listen to you.” [Violet] “They don’t, though. They only listen when they want to.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

Again, we’re side-stepping from the playing leader thing. Violet says that they don’t listen to her—says it like it wasn’t a really a surprise, just a point of frustration. Because, of course, Violet’s difficult. The last leader said so. But also, none of them have stepped up to fill that role. They take issue with her, but none of the schoolkids have really challenged her to take the mantel for themselves.

The silent nuance here is…why is it that she’s the leader? Violet made it seem like she really didn’t want to be at the boarding school—what with the contention between most, then the fact that she’s still in mourning. Tenn appeared like he was the only one keeping her there, but by stepping up in this way, not necessarily.

His presence and her need to protect him is a huge factor. Absolutely. Just not the only one.

We return again to Louis, the one schoolkid with the shared dichotomy. He is the other love interest. Him and Violet are often on opposite sides—especially in regards to everything Marlon.

And yet…, the way they speak about each other when one is taken away says everything about such a dichotomy.

To start, we’ll look at Louis:

“I know I’m always teasing her. Trying to get her to do that one eye roll she does—you know the one. Where it’s like, ‘you’re such a dumbass,’ she has to do a full-body eye roll. I do it because, when I actually do manage to make her laugh, it’s worth it. If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

He brings context as to why their banter is so dogged to tease. Louis does it because it’s reciprocated once he gets under his skin, and she retorts back with the signature full-body eye roll, but also, because he’s striving to reach another side of her, one where she laughs.

Because Louis is a big entertainer. He craves to draw that out from people, so when he has someone like Violet where it’s not easy to do that, it means that much more when she does, because it tells Louis how despite everything, she is there, listening.

Then there’s Violet, and her words for him:

“You know, when I first got here, I hated him. He was so…much. You know? He walks into a room, and it’s like, ‘Look at me! Watch me perform!’ It’s so stupid. But then I realized, under all that, he… He really cares about people, and he doesn’t just feel it, he says it. He’ll tell you every goddamn day how much you mean to him. Shit, he’ll probably sing about it. [. . .] We’ve got to get him back.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She nods to Louis being this big entertainer. Says that she hated it, and that it’s stupid. And yet, Violet thinks fondly of how genuine of a guy he is.

And between these two quotes, there’s a mastery in storytelling, because there’s an active dialogue between Louis and Violet. Doesn’t matter if one is on the boat, and they’re not. Their words parallel. Had they been in the room together, this would’ve been a back-and-forth.

Louis says that he teases her. Tries to get underneath her skin. Violet says that hated it, and hated him, for his antics. Yet, she then admits that…there’s a genuine nature there, because Louis does care, and he will say and sing it so. That genuine nature is the fact that he just really wants Violet to laugh, and to find that side of her.

Because Violet’s his friend. He values Violet as his protector, because Louis knows that she will be there whenever he desperately needed her.

And Louis is Violet’s friend. Which is why, without a word from Clementine, she states, firmly, that they need to get Louis back. Because in that hour, he was in peril, and he desperately needed Violet’s cleaver at hand.

It’s a tragedy, really, for both. When the other is taken, the one thing that each praise of the other is what’s stolen. For Louis, his knight is blinded; he has to be the one to protect her. For Violet, a comfort goes mute; she can sing in his place.

After spending a few moments with Clementine in the dorm, there’s Ruby’s hootenanny, and through that hootenanny, Violet can tell Clementine what brought her to Ericson’s:

“I spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house growing up, what with my dad being a drunk and my mom working three jobs. But after my grandpa died, Grandma just kinda…shut down. Spent all day and night rocking in her little chair in the den. I’d sit there at her feet as we both watched tv, mostly cartoons, since she never seemed to care. Sometimes I could hear her crying, but I didn’t look back. I’d just feel really weird and turn up the volume, you know? “Anyway, one day she left the den and came back with another chair, and a .22 rifle. Set the rifle butt on top of that chair, holding the barrel back to her chest. So, you know…, she had trouble reaching the trigger this way, but she must have known it would happen… Because she took out this really tacky wooden backscratcher—the real long kind with the one end shaped like a hand—and used that to push the trigger in. So…yeah. Bang, right? Her body folded up and just…kept rocking. “My mom came to get me five hours later. I hadn’t moved. She asked why I didn’t call the police or an ambulance or anything. I just shrugged and told her it wasn’t like Grandma was going anywhere…, and besides, I just wanted to finish my cartoons. She shipped me off to Ericson the next day. I was eleven.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Piano Room]

Through all of what Violet tells Clementine, there is still that flare to make the story more interesting for, you know, a video game. It’s a violent kind of neglect she shares.

But it is neglect all the same.

Violet was born to an alcoholic and a mom who stretched herself thin to compensate, yet even so, she later can admit that their home was a trailer—so the income of three jobs, all her time spent away from her mom, wasn’t enough. Perhaps there were financial troubles. The money might’ve been all drained away by cans of beer, or bottles. Violet did have an escape through her grandparents, though that didn’t last, and she was trapped to the same neglect. This time, with a better house. Probably.

Until her grandmother went and shot herself.

…with Violet in the room. Right behind the child.

And? There was no consolation; she was sent straight to Ericson’s, where the apocalypse then struck, the adults left, and Violet…was the difficult one, designated as this wallflower, or buzzkill. There were the twins, Minnie especially. Yet, even then… That relationship likely wasn’t reciprocated.

The flare that TFS adds to why Violet found her place in troubled youth—the violence, which could’ve dashed the screen she watched for those five hours—, it hides much of what went wrong with her, but simultaneously, it defines the gravity of her childhood.

It describes a mechanism of hers. One undoubtedly developed from her times alone with a drunk, whenever her grandparents and mother weren’t there. A sense of apathy, and with it, a broken moral compass. To not mind yourself, and not get in the way. To let it happen, and just get it over with, in whatever way that could imply.

And, with the sheer gravity, it begs the question…, how far did that neglect go? All of the abuse, if it wasn’t the only kind. Children aren’t born to sit in one place for hours, with fresh gore rocking in a chair behind.

The question wasn’t answered, of course. She was sent away instead. Then there were the adults. And then, other schoolkids. Violet isn’t…a people person, you know, so it’s only natural for her to be the difficult one as Marlon says.

Still, however, with Clementine as they watch the stars together, Violet denotes for the bird constellation,

“A bird is free. It could go anywhere it wanted to. Up and up and up, and never come back. Go south, east, west, doesn’t matter. You could fly straight into a sunset. And see where it ends.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

And to that,

[Clementine] “You wish it was you, don’t you?” [Violet] “Sometimes, when it all feels so heavy down here, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be weightless.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet has struggled to belong, and yet, she remains. Yes, there’s the apocalypse. However, in all the years at the school, she could have left just as well. There’s a version of her, lost in development, where Violet does leave had she not been saved.

So why didn’t she?

The answer to that, quite simply, is one Louis may admit to Clementine, should that version keep his tongue, and the silent nuance behind her playing leader:

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave.

It’s why Louis teases her, to try and find that laugh, and why he knows that if he needs her, she will be there to protect him. Violently, with a meat cleaver.

It’s why she takes charge, because Violet knows none of the others wanted to, but they needed someone to lead. Whether or not they appreciated that it was her.

And, it’s why she acts without thought to stand her ground against Marlon. If she’s asked, the camera doesn’t leave her because it is no surprise that she will stand beside Clementine, as opposed to Louis, where he decides with uncertainty, and the camera has him shuffle to frame; for Violet, the change in her face is immediate. The camera doesn’t have the time to idle in tension. What Louis says is dead-on:

“If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Even if she isn’t asked, Violet will then stand her ground once Marlon is shot. She vouches for the outsiders, in the name of reason, and for the twins and Brody.

She doesn’t think when Clementine is in danger—didn’t matter that her and A.J are just exiled. Violet will do as told, trust Clementine—to shoot, or to run.

Takes the helm after Marlon. Backs Clementine every step of the way.

Cannot let Minnie go until she has to, and Violet has seen that the person she clung after is gone.

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave, for her loyalty unbridled.

It’s her strongest quality. It is, also, what marks Violet with borderline.

[Emotional Anchorage]

We slip back to describe BPD at large, beyond this essay and character. However, everything of this section has its place with Violet.

And it begins with emotional anchorage.

Emotional anchors are not inherent to BPD. It’s not unique to the disorder because, instead, I’d argue it is a universal experience. These anchors are anything which triggers an emotional response. These can be specific objects—like an old stuffed bear, a photograph, a house—, or stimuli—like a scent, a song. Tangible things like these are indicative of our nature. Humans like things. We like to collect, and tinker, and destroy. It helps if it’s shiny. It really helps when there’s fire or light involved.

Here's another thing about anchors:

They can be people.

They commonly are. It’s how we distinguish strangers from significant relationships—friends, family, partners. Anchorage is present despite the nuances between friends (just a friend vs BFF), and family (siblings vs parents vs offspring). And, partners—emotional anchorage explains how queerplatonic relationships come to be, because the fundamental element of a partner (being an emotional anchor) is present, it’s just the romantic and/or sexual implications are ambiguous.

Emotional anchoring is the process in establishing the anchor, leaving anchorage as this essay’s way to articulate the concept itself.

Borderline Personality Disorder will naturally encourage these attachments.

Within the community, BPD has a term: favorite person (or FP). It is as it reads. There is a designated favorite for us, and this favorite person can be a friend, a family member, or a partner—anybody, really. With FP, we begin to fall down the well in emotional anchoring as it pertains to the disorder.

Because, ultimately, a FP is either the strongest, or the only, emotional anchor an individual with BPD has. (For the sake of this essay, I will replace FP with primary/prime emotional anchor going forth, to be more consistent in word choice.) And the anchoring of this person is generally not intended. It just happens, where there’s a strike of intrigue, and everything follows thereafter.

The moment I anchor a person, it is a stark change from the indifference/apathy I display to I want to spend all my time with you, and I will literally die for you without a second thought. I will remember everything you value better than I remember my own, and I will present those nice things to you, at every opportunity. Tell me your favorite color once, and I will remember it for decades to come. Tell me to break my nose, and I may very well do it on the spot.

Which. Yes. Is intense.

Understanding the disorder behind it, however, allows me to take the precautions to…warn people beforehand. And to tell them upfront, if ever I am encroaching on boundaries, just say knock it the fuck off, Volt. In exchange…, I don’t take it personally. Because, uh, yeah. I can get intense. I understand. I may feel a type of way in the moment where boundaries are made, but that’s the BPD talking in my ear.

But also, I know I value someone being upfront with me more than a passive rejection. Frustration is what sets me off—the not knowing why—, not the rejection in itself. Because if I don’t know why, that’s how I interpret things as abandonment.

I have been rejected many times in life by people I’ve deemed emotional anchors. And it stung. A lot. Far beyond what I could ever articulate, but if I had to try, they are wounds carved to the bone, or with one, where my heart was quite utterly eviscerated.

There’s a deeper conversation there, with an anchor changing before my eyes. And, yes, it’s ultimately this which the essay will discuss in great detail. Through Violet.

Yet, before that, emotional anchorage is one of the few things that borderline has the chance to gift a person, because it’s not all bad. If you’re like me—where everything is null, and blurry, and static—, having a person suddenly there to awaken my body to speak, sharpen the world, and bring chaos inside my head… It’s a lot. It’s demonstrably a devastating thing, but in a very raw and beautiful way.

Demiromanticism, no doubt, is a reflection of how I express BPD. So to realize my demi ass has feelings, whenever it happens, is nice. …it also means I then have to determine whether it’s that, or a crush. And there is a difference between genuine feelings and a crush, and yeah, I prefer one over the other.

But. (And this can be platonic or romantic.) Having someone be that anchor grounds me, and while the relationship will have turbulence—because the boat I sail is on a river I can’t build canals for—, there brings such a confusing clarity to the world. I have a purpose where I didn’t think I did before.

It’s a high. A borderline addiction.

To not a thing, not a habit, but a person.

When it’s healthy, it’s everything, and I can brave all storms. When it’s not, it’s obsession and mania, it’s my boat trapped in a whirlpool with the anchor at the center of it all; I may break away, violently, or I will sink, and it will be the death of me.

…and when there’s no anchor there at all, I and my boat are to the whim of the river—because there are no canals, I have to rely on my boat to guide me and find an anchor. This can be where people turn to destructive behaviors. Substance abuse. Eating disorders. Everything alike.

Why though?

Why is it this way? Why do people like me sink their teeth and set anchorage like this?

This is where identity creeps its way back.

Because though anybody can develop emotional attachments, to the point of anchorage, BPD again does this to an absolute extreme. My personal anecdote may speak to it without debate. Understanding how identity gets itself involved further speaks to that extreme. BPD isn’t necessarily about the traits themselves, right? So rather, it’s how they manifest, and fester, and the mechanisms behind it all.

With identity, it hinges on what you find comfortable, and what you don’t. It’s guided by your feelings on things, and your comprehensive response thereafter. Passions turn into aspirations. Self-perception feeds into expression. And on and on.

So, if someone does not have a stable sense of self, there is a disturbance in identity. There’s no coherence to the person. Few consistencies, if any at all.

The identity is as stable as your regulation of emotions allow, and if it’s dysregulated, so will your identity.

A broken sense of self fractures a person. So we scour for stability. We do so in people. But with that broken sense, it’s easier to just swap out characteristics and emulate the environment, should there be a promise of stability. When this happens, it can be recognized as masking—because, debatably, it is—, but it can also go so far that people confuse this borderline trait with something like DID.

To those none the wiser, yeah, it might as well be DID. Because, like…, they just change so quickly. And if it’s a matter of mirroring different people, it can also imply that the BPD encourages the person to alter their personality depending on who they’re with at the time. Which. Yes. Has the capacity to resemble switching between split personalities from an observer’s perspective.

However. I have outlined (in quite the broad stroke) what DID is: a split in identities, in order to protect and shield the individual from further trauma. It’s dissociative in nature, where the distinct, established personalities will operate the individual at different times—given the nuances which come with DID.

BPD does come with dissociation as well—my personal experience with how I live day to day is indicative of, for simplicity, derealization and depersonalization. However, it’s not a split. What’s happening is this one identity does not have a stable, set personality. With the incapability to regulate emotions, it indicates a level of alexithymia. So how are we supposed to understand what we want, and don’t want, in everything from interests to moral standing? Things that a personality is grown from?

This copycat behavior is in itself a mechanism that BPD deploys. It’s kinda masking, not to purely to hide from and integrate into social norms, but also to find a sense of self through a very, very desperate act of scavenging.

In BPD, the best candidates to copy are the people who make us feel good—get a high from—, and that we want to be around, and whom we fixate upon—to a manic point: 

Those emotional anchors.

As we go back to Violet, keep this in mind. Again, no, there’s no feasible way to remark for certain what her relationship with identity is like, so the implications that emotional anchoring has on identity can’t really be applied. But the intensity—the level of fixation—can.

Because Violet struggles in her bonds with other people. There’s an idealization present to those bonds, and a devaluation. Both this good and bad, the highs and lows, are via anchorages.

So we’ll start with Minnie.

[Emotional Anchorage: An Obsessive Good Memory]

“Sophie was a good friend. And Minnie… Uh… We were close, me and her.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

When we meet Violet, amongst her introductions, Clementine learns about the twins from the two who still tend to their graves—Violet, and Tennessee. Not long after, there’s a card game, and not long after that, Violet finds Clementine and A.J in their dorm.

The one which was home to the twins.

“Huh. I see you’re, um…, settling in.” “Yeah. Is that okay?” “Sure. I guess. I always liked this room. Sophie had, like, paintings and shit on the walls. Lots of color. And Minerva…, she was really musical. [. . .] She had the most amazing voice. Real bluesy. [. . .] That was a long time ago. After they… Afterwards, Brody and Tenn took down all the paintings. And that was the end of it. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. It’s not a good memory. Guess I just lost my train of thought.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

The way she speaks of Minnie, there’s an adoration, and a nostalgia made bitter by the perceived tragedy.

Of course, those twins (…okay, well—) aren’t dead, they were traded. So even though Violet has yet to see Minnie, she is now a presence to her mind that isn’t nearly as bitter. She focuses on getting the school prepared for a fight, alongside Clementine, but through it all, yeah, Minnie is still there.

And when looking at the stars with Clementine, if Clementine remains quiet for the fish constellation, Violet comments,

“Bright, pretty, good with other people. Always moving, tons of energy. Sounds like anyone we know? The energy one is easy. Good with people, not so much. [. . .] Y’know, it… Well, maybe this is weird to bring up, but it reminds me of Minnie.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Minnie is a big part of her, despite their time and distance from each other. They grew up together. They got closer.

Another thing:

Violet never says girlfriend.

The only time where it’s “proclaimed” by the season that Minnie and Violet were girlfriends is through Clementine, where whenever A.J sees the carving in the fishing cabin’s wall, she can say,

“It means they were a couple. [. . .] Violet was Minnie’s girlfriend.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Is it fair to assume that? Yeah. That’s…what carving a heart or potato with initials is supposed to symbolize.

But like.

Let’s be for real. What the ✨fuck✨ does Clementine know? Sure, she’s somehow not concussed after hauling ass in the sky, with a car. But she doesn’t know these people. Point blank.

We don’t know when this heart was carved. Just that it’s V + M (suggesting Violet did it, given the order), it’s out of the way from the school and in the fishing cabin, and it’s just shy from a bed (and alcohol).

Again, Violet herself never says girlfriend.

The heart could’ve been carved with Minnie there with her. Or, Violet was deep in mourning, and decided to brand the cabin—likely because it holds a significant memory.

…and Imma be honest, the cabin has a bed, and it is covered in bottles. Everywhere on the table. Some scattered around. So I will give the benefit of the doubt. Considering the…subtext around the fishing cabin, doing some quick math with my gamer instincts, yeah, if you leave youth (troubled or otherwise) alone, you might get Lord of the Flies, or…exploration. I guess.

It is clear that there was something. There is validity to “[w]e were close, me and her.”

The question then becomes why the ambiguity? Had TFS been made in a different time, and James didn’t have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine couldn’t be a couple, yes, it would’ve been Telltale beating around the bush.

Except even in this moment, Clementine outright says girlfriend in reference to a sapphic dynamic.

Because TFS was not made in a different time, James did have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine can kiss and hold hands.

The ambiguity indicates something else. That ambiguity is heightened the more Violet talks about Minnie pre-Broken Toys (saved Violet route). Because she speaks so fondly of her, with almost this conviction.

Yet…she still does not say girlfriend.

This is textbook. Given the essay, and what I’ve already exhausted over, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it is quite plain:

What Clementine stumbles upon isn’t a mourning over a lover; it’s instead, at its core, a lasting idealization.

With BPD, idealization is as follows:

“[A] way of coping with anxiety in which an object or person of ambivalence is viewed as perfect, or as having exaggerated positive qualities.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This tracks.

Violet speaks so fondly of Minerva, with almost this conviction, yet she does not say girlfriend. Ever. Because the conviction is the intimacy, but Violet is a pragmatic individual. Though there’s idealization present, referring to Minnie as her girlfriend (for whatever reason) is too far for even her mental state.

Like she mourned Minnie for a year. She gushed about her to Clementine every chance she got. So…why not say it?

With this all established, TFS then allows us to witness how idealization in borderline often corrodes into devaluation—the inverse of idealization, its absolute antithesis.

“Used when a person characterizes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities [. . .] because there is often no middle ground for a person with BPD. Feeling challenged, threatened, or disappointed can quickly cause them to devalue the people they formally idealized. Rather than cope with the stress of ambivalence, devaluing functions to minimize the anxiety caused by ambiguity.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This corrosion has a name. It is splitting.

Like with the previous definitions, I will allow my resource to explain this concept, because of everything this essay has to offer, it is this that the everything hinges on.

“Splitting involves an inability to hold two opposing thoughts, beliefs, or feelings. People who have BPD tend to view others in all-or-nothing [. . .] terms. “This self-protective defense mechanism aims to help people with BPD protect themselves from getting hurt in relationships. By labeling people as ‘good,’ they are able to engage in relationships despite the emotional risks. If they feel threatened, they can then quickly discard the individual or the relationship by labeling them as ‘bad.’ “Like most defense mechanisms, someone with BPD may not be aware that they are engaging devaluation and idealization. Splitting is a subconscious way to protect themselves from perceived stress[, and] reflects the challenges associated with maintain an integrated view of the good and bad in a person under stress. Some researchers suggest that some of the difficulty is rooted in the way the brain, particularly the amygdala and prefrontal lobe, activates in these experiences for people with BPD.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

…again, this essay has to break away from Violet and TFS to provide an insight, a discussion, of what this means for BPD.

I will start by clarifying that splitting from one end to the other is a bitch to deal with. The catch is not every person with BPD is incapable of reading the world beyond black-and-white. I’m one who can, …when I’m not in the midst of an episode. Day to day, I’m apathetic/indifferent—take your pick—, and because of that, I don’t give enough of a shit to really fixate on what is “good” and what is “bad” to me. I take everything as they go.

Because I really, really do not give a flying fuck.

The moment there is any seed of emotional attachment, or anchorage, it changes things. For me, it’s generally that I really adore this person, but they did something that hurt, and it confused me, so I shut down and close myself off. Namely so that I can have the time and space to breathe and process. Because I feel a lot for these people. I’ve gone over how intense that feeling is. And the last thing I want to do is hurt them.

So the moment I get confused, it boils into frustration, but frustration means ire with me. And that’s terrifying, because I don’t know what I can and will do if I’m backed into a corner. Because I know my brain shuts itself off.

The other thing to this as well is…it’s not always such a violent shift between idealization and devaluation. It really depends on how confused I am, the person, and then the time and distance laid between me and them. If there’s minimal distance between me and them, and minimal time between then and now, then yes, it will be explosive. If, say, a year has passed, and I have not seen this person within that time, then the splitting will look very different—largely because I don’t perceive it as an immediate danger, so my brain never shuts off, and I can process in the moment with reason. There’s still significant emotions there, of course, and given it’s still splitting, I do have that shift between the extremes. Difference is,I am able to regulate myself better.

Take note of this nuance, because it is absolutely present in Violet.

And we resume her relationship with Minnie, where we witness the corrosion from idealization, inching towards its antithesis. The process is best explored if Violet is saved, where it doesn’t taken an age, nor a day. It takes mere morning hours.

When spying upon the boat to get their bearings, and formulate a plan, they find Minnie chopping wood. Or, Clementine does, pulls a knife on her, before Violet intervenes. They embrace. Clementine has opinions off to the side. 

Then.

They talk. And Minnie… Um. Well. If Delta was inspired by the New Frontier, Minnie would’ve had a fat branding right on her forehead.

Immediately, it becomes evident that Minerva has no interest in going back to the school. Her loyalty lies with the Delta. And given the prompt, she will have this to say:

[Violet’s in charge.] “Really? The Violet I knew could barely stand to talk to people, let alone play class president. You’re the one who convinced the school to fight back. From where I’m standing, that puts you in charge. Your ‘leadership’ is going to get my little brother killed.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Forest]

Huh.

Not only does what she say about Violet directly contradict what Clementine sees from her, Minnie is also blatant in steamrolling right through the testament, and tells Clementine that no, you’re the leader, and you’re bad at it because you are a threat to my brother.

It’s a little jarring. Because, one, ouch. That’s mean. Mitch died because he ran into a knife, and it was not Clementine’s.

But two, what?! Violet, whose first line to Clementine is snark about her driving, could barely stand to talk to people? Violet. Who stood up to Marlon, cleaver at hand? The one who Louis says (given the other route) will do just that to any threat?

Our Violet, who Clementine gets to know. The one who immediately took the role after Marlon because nobody else did? Despite the fact that, yes, she realizes there’s no promise that the schoolkids will actually listen?

Violet…is openly sardonic, is she not? Does she not confront people with a weapon?

It’s a little jarring, then it’s…dissonant the more you pick it apart. Because what is Minnie talking about? 

I will say, for sure, Violet changed within that year apart. But not to the degree that Minnie implies to us. We have Louis’ words for Violet, and then Violet herself—constantly brings up protecting the twins. And she’s shown she will. Violet will shoot Lilly if told. And Violet, after Marlon’s death, brandishes her cleaver to shield Clementine and A.J from the other schoolkids.

Maybe part of the change was that she vowed to herself that she’d do better after losing the twins. Wouldn’t be surprised.

…but Minnie didn’t like killing walkers, though. Which implies that, yes, Violet probably filled a protector role for her, in regards to the dead.

It’s baffling. I can go on and on and on.

Just as Violet did, between seeing Minnie after so long, and finding Clementine in her dorm.

“The thing is, seeing Minnie… I feel like it should’ve scared me. But it didn’t. The person we ran into in the woods, that wasn’t Minnie. Not really. The way she sounded, and acted… The way she talked about Sophie, and Lilly… I’m…confused, I guess.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She voices the same sentiment.

But upon various dialogue prompts, the corrosion inches its way to Violet:

[She’s one of them now.] “It sucks, but…I don’t know what else I expected.” [It’s not Minnie’s fault.] “I never said it was. But it doesn’t change anything.” [We can save Minnie.] “You saw how she reacted when Lilly showed up. Those are her people now. And we are not.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I do think it’s interesting that, even if Clementine says to Violet that Minnie could be saved, she says otherwise. Because Violet is pragmatic. Minerva coming back from the Delta is just not realistic.

So through time and distance, and the wake-up call in the woods, Violet expresses an acceptance of this. The fact that Minnie won’t come back. It’s not quite splitting, because…this isn’t a true devaluation here; it’s the idealization ebbing away.

“Minnie…, the real Minnie…, she’s gone. She’s been gone this whole time, and I…have to stop mourning her. I won’t let her take you or A.J. Or anyone else I care about.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

And she admits it to Clementine aloud. Promises her that she, and A.J, along with everyone else, will be protected from the Delta—from Minnie, if need be.

Not only that, if Violet is romanced, she makes a request:

“There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I’ve always taken this line to signal how nervous, and how new Violet is to this kind of relationship. Because it is new to her. This is the first time where her feelings were reciprocated. She always wanted to try dancing with someone, but for whatever reason, never had with Minnie. And she’s nervous because…she wants it to be reciprocated, and Violet here is gaging a reaction, testing the waters.

In writing this essay, another thought occurred:

This is Violet moving on.

She’s nervous because there is a lot of weight to this request. She’s gaging what Clementine says, because Violet is invested now. All-in. 100%.

It’s not about Minerva—doesn’t even outright say that she never had a dance with Minnie.

Because by this point, through this dance, Violet’s realized just how unreciprocated her feelings were, because now, she has the chance to dance with someone who does reciprocate. And not just in the dance. Clementine’s loyalty extends further than that.

Another detail that I noticed is perpetuated throughout every interaction with Minnie is who she always prioritizes, and how it contrasts Clementine. With Clementine, of course A.J is first priority, and Violet understands that. And she goes out of her way to help with him. Conversely, Clementine helps with Tenn, and the school, and the other Ericson kids. All of which are who Violet also prioritizes.

Meanwhile, the same can’t be said for the other side of that contrast. Because it’s always what about Sophie and Minnie? from Violet, and never what about Tenn and Violet? from Minerva. It’s only ever Tennessee for her.

With the initial encounter, yes. She wouldn’t be asking about Violet because… Violet’s right there. She’s talking to her. However, we overhear Minnie talking to Dorian, asking to have Tenn join her. Not Violet. Then, further into the night, where suddenly she’s singing her own boss music and a red bar just takes up the whole screen, Minnie goes out of her way to claim Tenn.

And then, for good measure, axe Clementine.

But not because of Violet. Clementine gets axed regardless of who she saves, because Minnie…is far, far more pissed that Clementine put Tennessee in danger than anyone else. Including Violet.

The Delta changed Minerva. Yes.

Yet, Lilly never was able to remove her loyalty to her people. Her people being Tenn.

It’s telling, how (in)significant Violet was to her because all I read is…, it is nowhere close to the significance Minnie had on Violet. Because Minnie had other priorities.

She just happened to be Violet’s primary emotional anchor. And with that comes everything Violet could feasibly offer a person.

Here’s the thing to understand with this essay, and what I’m getting at with Minnie and Violet’s past relationship:

Violet anchoring Minnie is not Minnie’s fault. It’s not Violet’s either; a kid isn’t going to understand why they’re feeling a certain type of way, but when it feels nice, they will follow. Especially when the adults responsible for troubled youth are just…gone.

But what this does bring to light is a nesting place for borderline’s stigma.

Emotional anchors, splitting between idealization and devaluation—these concepts are the source for much of the fear against people with BPD. When gathering articles to reference at the end, some articles I pull from r/BPD on Reddit because having resources that are from people with experience asking and answering questions is incredibly valuable. Many discussions in r/BPD related to this (exchange primary emotional anchor with FP) are frustrating. For myself to read, because several are people not with BPD venting, but, I imagine it was frustrating to type out because…they’re venting for a reason.

Depending on the discussion, however, what is said is ignorant to all of what I know of my disorder. I know where it comes from. I know that the emotions behind all of what I do with anchorage are genuine. But then there’s people who vent, or there’s others who prompt a question because they are nervous that their friend (with BPD) is not genuine.

Of course, I can’t promise how other people with BPD are like. BPD is dependent on the personality, and if you have a shit personality. Um. Yeah. You’re not a fun person to be around. Sorry?

Not really, but, you know.

Stigma aside, it is true. I understand the insecurities, and the need to vent. Being someone’s anchor because of borderline is a lot of fucking pressure, and truth be told, it’s like that because…what if you just can’t reciprocate the intensity? After that honeymoon phase, people without the underlying disorder tend to get exhausted emotionally, meanwhile…, there is no cease from the other.

So people tend to draw away. They either do so quietly, in attempt to not hurt feelings, or, they’ll be direct and antagonize because of they stress they’re under. Either way, if the condition has gone untreated, the confusion this brings will then ignite the individual’s borderline. This is where you get insecurities born within the relationship, which the person can then go further and self-sabotage because there is no regulating themselves. You get constant bombardment whenever they feel neglected. They’re overbearing. You feel that their claws are dug deep, and it’s far deeper than you could’ve ever imagined.

Because there’s an anchorage.

If this is what happened, and Minnie entertained Violet, but never reciprocated the magnitude of devotion Violet brings with her… I can’t blame the girl. And given that Minnie was a troubled youth just as much as Violet was, she had her fair share of issues.

Because frankly, I don’t care if she was brainwashed or what, Minnie still killed her twin sister. You know, the one that has been in the same situations, the same environments, throughout Minnie’s life, yet when she saw the Delta, Sophie did not fold. Sophie actively fought against the Delta, whereas Minnie…complied.

Even before they were caught on the raft that Sophie planned to steal.

“One of the girls saw that this was a place worth fighting for, and her tears dried. But the other twin, she could never forget her old home. She rejected every gift, every opportunity. Stirred up trouble every chance she got. She convinced her sister to help her steal a raft and leave on the river. Of course, they didn't get far. What happened then, Minerva?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

This Parable of Twins is, of course, by Lilly’s word, and yes, she did brainwash Minnie. So naturally, there will be an element here where the details are lost. I buy that Minnie did accept her place in the Delta where Sophie never did, but I don’t really believe that it was just because she saw it was a place worth fighting for.

The reality of Minerva is she’s a very conflicted person, and she’s passive by nature. She’s a good head taller than Violet, yet, when Violet talks about her (and Sophie), it’s always about protecting her. Because Minnie didn’t like killing walkers.

I also wonder if the reason why she’s so passive is because Sophie…might’ve been the one that got her and Tenn into trouble right with her, if she was more combative. As for the confliction, Minerva may have been caught in between—because there’s a combative twin, and then there’s a younger brother to protect, one who’s passive to a fault.

It’s this confliction and passiveness that has Minnie primed for manipulation. She will seek stability through, well, passive means. With the Delta, do as they say.

…and with Violet, it’s let the girl have her infatuation, maybe entertain it, but don’t cross too far into romantic territory because the girl’s a little too intense.

(Of course, Minnie is also the one who was practically dead herself while leading a herd by voice alone, to kill her brother and maybe do a little slashing. So like, she is just as intense, just…in less of a loyal kind of way, and more in fucking unhinged way. Because she also might’ve been the one to instill Tenn’s beliefs.)

Once it’s revealed what happened to Sophie, Violet snaps. She yells at Minerva.

But even still, there’s a slip of that anchorage:

“Who are you?! Fuck survival! Look at what you’re doing! Minnie, please, I just want to talk to you for a second! I’m sorry we never searched for you, for Sophie… I’m sorry we trusted that fucker, Marlon. If I ever thought there was a chance—” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Following this, time ticks away with a bomb in a boiler, so Clementine lunges for an escape—to get A.J back to her side. And Minnie tries to stop her.

With a knife near-identical to Jane’s in S2. And it manages to gouge a near-identical scar in Clementine’s sternum. A stark parallel to S2’s ending. Except, Violet doesn’t hesitate. The moment she is out of the cell, she disappears into the backdrop, then an arrow finds its place in Minerva’s shoulder not long thereafter.

She does stay at her side, for when the schoolkids leave. Perhaps for closure, if the previous dialogue gives any indication.

Because even though Violet shot Minnie, moved on from her with a dance, and realized that she wasn’t going to return, that anchor is still there. Minnie was, after all, still a significant part of her, and that…doesn’t really ever just go away. The idealization may have drained, but the feelings themselves do remain.

We then look to another Violet, who was taken rather than saved.

“At least here I have Minnie… [. . .] Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And another aspect of BPD, and anchorage, becomes clear:

Borderline primes people for manipulation, much in the same way that a passive and conflicted nature primed Minnie.

There’s a flipside to emotional anchoring in BPD, and it has everything to do with how the disorder forces people to become reliant on their anchors. People who cannot discern nor regulate their own emotions, and people with a bleak, instable sense of identity.

Which is a problem because there are people who’re able to take a person’s emotions, and weaponize them as a puppeteer. They manipulate through any means necessary.

Most, in an effort to avoid being manipulated themselves, try to hide their emotions and keep them out of reach. They suppress them, because suppressing your emotions is how you get the most control, and nobody else.

Right?

Coming from experience, do not do this. Suppressing your emotions is the last thing you want to do.

Especially if you want to avoid getting yourself manipulated.

I felt that I had to suppress not just as a child, but before that, because I was in a fucked situation. And it did this to me.I have no control. Life is a writhing storm at sea, and I just fucking hope I can find an anchor within the storm’s eye—but I know there’ll never be a calm to this storm.

And the wrong people know this. The ones who prey and manipulate to abuse the loyalty I am so desperate to offer, and can pull it from me with ease, should idealization blind me from the warning signs.

When Violet is saved, she sees through Minnie quickly. Because it’s in how Minnie talks. And it’s weird, because Violet also includes how she talked about Sophie, when the most Minnie said was “she died protecting the Delta. A hero” once prompted by Violet’s concern. That shouldn’t have raised alarm, yet…something about it did. To Violet.

So she’s able to let go. Violet still holds the memory of Minnie quite dear to her heart—the one in her head—, but after this, it was more about closure, not bringing her back. And all it took was that one interaction.

But here, back to a Violet taken away, it takes longer. She’s not told what actually happened to Sophie; instead, both Minerva and Lilly feed into a broken trust with Clementine, and condemns Violet back to the girl who sat with Grandma’s body rocking behind her.

Her loyalty blinds her to what Minnie has devolved into, so she goes and tries to stop the bomb, save the boat, and secure a future with her because Minnie is all she knows and trusts.

Yet.

It’s broken when Violet does. Because Violet has her face marred by the bomb. She’s left to defend herself—blindly—as she clambers out of the water with a walker snagged at the leg. She asks for Minnie at first, is led by Louis, and then…it becomes clear what happened when they hear gunshots, clearing away the walkers.

Minnie. Is left. Unscathed.

Well, okay. She does, like, panic and stuff, and then gets bit. So, that explosion had been her death sentence.

But Minnie is not burned. Not like Violet.

Which…implies something. However it happened, Violet was the one closest to the bomb, and Violet was further down the beach, towards the boat, whereas when Clementine, A.J and Louis reach her, Minnie is away, towards the woodland. Getting her ass bit. A bunch.

She either got off the boat at a different (earlier) time, or, she just…abandoned Violet. To defend the last of the boat and her crew. And, probably, to look for Tenn.

Leaving Violet to realize something, and as she struggles to see the world, she begins to try and apologize. To Clementine. Who didn’t lie to her about the fucking bomb on the boat, and given that, it also kinda explains why Clementine didn’t take her sweet time consoling Violet from her episode because. Um. The bomb. 

Whatever it was that happened, it’s enough to rattle Violet to reason. And to snap her out of it.

Within one interaction. (…explosion.)

It’s…the little things like this—the ones that go unsaid—, which indicate Minnie’s sense of priorities, and how even when Violet actively worked to help save the boat, those priorities never were Violet. Before this, she manipulated and lied to her, and (via the alternative path) she never…danced with Violet, despite Minnie being the musical twin. Instead, Violet never danced, but she does sing now. 

Which again has me wonder, was it Minnie entertaining Violet, and/or, if the subtext found in the fishing cabin does indicate this, was it never romantic like how Violet wanted? Just physical?

I’m kinda losing my mind over here?!

There was always an imbalance. Violet always prioritized Minnie, and her sister, and her brother. She prioritized the latter two because of Minnie, and then prioritized Tenn after the sisters were traded off. Prioritized Minnie’s interests—singing, and took it on herself—, and left her own—like the dancing—to…wane in self-doubt. 

And then…, we have Minnie who killed her twin, and then went after Tenn to also kill him. The killing part is, well, the brainwashing and trauma, and stuff, but point being… Violet is still not in the equation. She’s an afterthought to Minnie.

This isn’t to say that Violet and Minnie’s relationship was downright toxic, or abusive, or anything along those lines. All we have is Violet’s word. But given Violet clearly glorified Minnie to herself, her word is unreliable.

What this is all to say is…, it was no mistake on Telltale’s part to have Violet physically blind, or then speak about how she had been blinded figuratively—before reality set in. Down one route, this was done by having the wool pulled from her eyes; down the other, it was the blinding in itself that brought her clarity.

It’s what I mean when I say that Violet’s unbridled loyalty is also her bane. She establishes strong and intense emotional anchors, to the point where should that anchor be lost, she will refuse to let go. And not because she wants to trap herself to that anchor, but because that’s…how BPD is. Attachments like this are really hard to shake off. But also, Violet didn’t know who else to turn to. 

There’s Tenn, sure, but she’s his protector, not the other way around. There’s some of the others—Mitch, Willy, Ruby, Aasim—who we don’t get enough time to really see how Violet is with them. Marlon she tolerates, but there’s a clear strain between them.

Louis— God, there’s Louis, and he’s the one that she is vehement about getting back—indicating that he is yet another anchor for her. Thing is, he was also Marlon’s best friend, and they are…opposites. A lot of conflict comes from that.

…this essay really doesn’t have much to say with Louis and Violet. In part because, frankly, I didn’t really know where I could put him with the points I strive to make. There is absolutely space for him, yet, another thing:

Their words for each other, when the other is taken, are enough. Louis and Violet say everything themselves.

I did give commentary to the dialogue quotes, but it was sparse for this precise reason. I don’t need to get into how quietly powerful their friendship is. Louis is the one who introduces Violet by name. He’s the one that promises Clementine that it’s just her way, because he knows her. If blinded, he’s also the one that she relies on to guide her. And despite Marlon, and perhaps despite even Clementine given the different routes, there is never a malice between them.

Which I adore TFS for doing, because it would’ve been easy to have them be rivals and fight over each other. Especially for Clementine.

But that’s also juvenile, and while those storylines have their place, it is not here.

Never has. Never will.

So there’s Louis. He’s an anchor. Yet, because he is the one grounded anchor Violet has of the schoolkids, not fazed by idealization nor devaluation… That is their dichotomy. It is unique of all other relationships Violet has before Clementine—after Clementine as well, should he be the one saved.

We have Brody. Who does represent a point of devaluation for Violet. The lowest to a volatile relationship.

[Emotional Anchorage: Walking Triggers]

Truth be told, in this most recent endeavor to write Violet’s deconstruction, Brody was who reignited the compulsion. Because there is a deep-seated complexity to what happened between her and Violet, and why it happened. …only for me to find yet another post somewhere that was made by a glanced judgement.

Its criticism wasn’t in any way toxic, which was nice because this fandom…has a mean streak. But it did harken back to borderline’s stigma regardless.

Devaluation is a very ugly mark on someone with BPD. Worse than idealization, in the eyes of many. It in itself is toxic,and this coping mechanism is one of the reasons why BPD a disorder with the stigma it portrays. There’s a dysfunction in the order within our behavior.

That dysfunction, and the subsequent behavior, provokes a defensive ignorance.

Violet is wrong to do this. This is an antagonistic trait of hers, and Brody gets the brunt of it. She had to live with this for a year.

However, making blanket assumptions is reductive, especially in a discussion where it’s about understanding the how and why. There’s a reason why Violet devalues Brody. The path to how it happened in the first place is actually quite apparent. If you know how to read the signs, you can see this happen a mile away. So through understanding the how and why, it’s easier to 1) avoid it entirely, and 2) navigate devaluation if/when it does transpire.

Both Brody and Violet together make one mistake, and the fix is straightforward. Not easy, but straightforward.

Before that, though, we first shall establish a few things.

For one, Violet is…a lot. Don’t let her apathetic demeanor fool you. Just look to the previous section—that alone is enough to prove otherwise.

Along with the apathy, Violet is sardonic. She’s aloof to people when she doesn’t have strong attachments, but, she likewise shows to be pragmatic and reasonable. Which like, same. I wear belts and layer my jackets with vests too.

…and I also know what this kind of character implies: Violet is a little bully. She absolutely has the capacity to be cruel.This is also confirmed later, where at Ruby’s hootenanny, there’s mention of an Erin with braces that Violet would make fun of. (Probably because braces are hard to take off; they are a little goofy in an apocalypse, but also…really unfortunate the more it puts stress on the mouth and dental structure.) Violet then comments that she didn’t know why she did.

I wear belts and layer my jackets too; upon reflection, I did the same thing as a kid. So I have some insight to this which may explain the why here. Given how Violet speaks of this schoolkid, I’m willing to bet that Erin wasn’t someone who Violet had strong emotions for, one way or the other. She likely was pretty indifferent to Erin.

So, if that is true, Violet being a bully here comes from a place of 1) being apathetic, and not reading social cues like she should’ve, and/or 2) Erin was an outlet, but not a personal one. 

Snide comments, and other slighted behaviors like this, they do not register. 

Nothing clicks up here, behind my eyes. The comments are too brief to. So where this lashing out is coming from, it happens so swiftly that, by the time it leaves the mouth, I don’t know where it came from. There’s not much feeling to it. It was an impulse. So I just continue on my way, and never consider why.

In this way, there’s no malicious intent, it’s just cold. But outwardly, cruel.

A lot of times, to me, it was just play. 

This is how a play with you. I make fun of you; you make fun of me. If you get hurt by it? Well. That sucks. Anyway—

Which, yes, is toxic, and I’ve realized, and I’m an adult now and I…don’t do that. Kind of. Social cues are a thing now, and I’ve gotten myself more aware of people. But I still do like poking fun, with the full expectation that it’s dished back.

Granted, I don’t know just how much of this applies to Violet. She has her insecurities, and is nervous when bringing herself to the table. And I am definitely not that—it’s not a confidence; I don’t care enough to be confident, I just do my thing.

But. This does establish a pattern with Violet, and with BPD, the disorder reflects the personality. There are common traits to BPD, but the expression of those traits varies depending on the person. For someone like Violet, who is already rather cold, this means any trait of BPD which stems from a cold demeanor will be present, and elevated. To borderline’s extreme.

Or, because Violet already can be cold to people, where devaluation is concerned, her personality makes it ten times worse. It doesn’t end. She makes comments—except, now, because there is significant emotion behind the comments (to Brody), it is to sting. It is cruel.

But…, it’s also complicated.

The bond between Brody and Violet is first made to be antagonistic, and Violet’s the one who perpetuates. Unlike the night before, where she with Clementine had a nice banter going in the dorm (if a tad guarded), Violet on the way to the cabin is hostile. Her words aren’t aggressive, but they’re instead dismissive at best, scathing at worst.

Brody does push back a little, and tries to brush it off, but it’s quite plain on her face that this does get to her.

In the cabin and away from Violet, Brody gives the context. It’s not just the words themselves hurt, it’s the fact that there’s a history there.

“Hey…, about Vi… I’m sorry she’s being a little mean. It’s my fault. [. . .] I was there when those walkers killed Sophie and Minnie. They were really close with Vi, and…I think she blames me for what happened to them. I mean, how do you even apologize for something that fucked up? I don’t know. Maybe I deserve it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Violet is hurt. Brody’s guilty.

Then, there’s a second, damning piece of history that explains why Brody, of all the schoolkids, gives the most insight to Violet’s mental health, and why this is happening.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

In the same way where it was textbook idealization for Minnie, this is textbook devaluation.

It’s made complicated because they were friends—good ones, considering they’ve been stuck in the same place since the outbreak—, but now there’s a negative connotation. That being the twins.

And remember, devaluation is an avoidant mechanism. Ambivalence is confusing, and that agitates a borderline personality.

Brody can then explain more, depending on the prompted dialogue:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [You should talk to her.] “Yeah, right. I tried, I have. It just never seems like the right time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Once again, Violet is distant where she wasn’t before.

But we also get a further confirmation that Brody is the one with the negative connotation, and it’s because she was the one who had to tell her. …which in itself is an interesting choice of words, but we can assume Marlon pressured her once the conspiracy is revealed.

Then another confirmation, to the fact that opening a conversation has not been feasible.

Turn to Violet, and she first says this:

“God. Sometimes she just gets on my last nerve, you know? [. . .] I mean, it’s— It’s not like I hate her… I just… ‘I wish we could all go on a road trip together.’ God, she’s so…ugh. You know? [. . .] I don’t know what the problem is between us. With Brody…, I don’t know why it’s like this. Why is it so weird? I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

All of this is telling. Violet is very animated here, both in how she says it, her shifting tone, and what she’s saying. First it’s a comment. Second it’s admission. Then there’s that sardonic tongue, an ask to gage whether or not Clementine understands, before it all breaks and she goes back to admission.

The last couple lines say something crucial to know when understanding the dynamic here. And if a player is impatient with dialogue, they will miss these.

I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.

So Brody is a walking trigger.

Within the bounds of splitting to devaluation, this happens when an emotional anchor develops a level of ambivalence, but because anchors do not just go, the anchorage is instead insecure, rather than the source of stability once relied upon.

Yes. Brody is another of Violet’s anchors—just not the primary one.

And what it means to be a walking trigger is…devastating. Not just for Brody, but for Violet as well. She doesn’t have the support Brody gives her anymore. Can’t trust it. Because every time Brody walks in the same room, Violet cannot relax. She is agitated.

Don’t take this to mean in a figurative way.

It is literal.

Triggers rise from people an emotional response. In BPD, this often means that the brain will shut its reasoning off, and prioritize this “survival” instinct. Fight-or-flight.

So when Violet says, I can never relax around her, this isn’t a oh I’m nervous, I don’t know what to do. This is I cannot function when she’s in the same room as me. Maybe she’s hypervigilant around Brody. To the point where Violet cannot stand Brody anywhere near her…

So she sabotages. She’s cruel to Brody in the comments she makes. She does not allow Brody to get close, because it is too much. Rather than a calm, reasonable state of mind, Violet feels things. A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing—Brody’s there.

And the easiest way to stop it is to push Brody away.

And, and, initially, blame the girl.

[Because you blame her.] “Well, that’s what I used to think. I just keep thinking that things might have ended differently if I was there. Maybe I could’ve protected Soph. And Minnie…” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s a confliction here. Violet did blame Brody, until she realized it wasn’t that. Instead, she blamed herself.

It’s the following prompt, however, that gives the best clarity to Brody and Violet. The prompt,

[Because she never said sorry.] 

where Violet tells Clementine exactly what the trigger is—because by this point, a year later, she’s figured out how to articulate what it is:

[Violet] “She tell you that?” [Clementine] “More or less. She wants to talk about it, you know.” [Violet] “I just… I feel guilty about the whole thing.” [Clementine] “Why?” [Violet] “I was supposed to be out with the twins that day. I wanted to work in the greenhouse, so I asked Brody to cover for me. But then… I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I… I wanted to talk to Brody, to tell her I didn’t blame her for what happened. But every time I tried, I was reminded of who we lost. It was easier to just not talk about it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

If BPD isn’t a lonely experience, or a humiliating one, it can be a guilty life to live.

Violet expresses why losing the twins hurt as much as it did: there was never closure, and she blamed herself. Hence why, earlier, I suspected that seeking closure was what kept Violet at Minnie’s side after shooting her.

She was finally saying that goodbye, regardless of how the interaction itself went.

But it’s what she says about Brody.

Violet wants to talk. She has wanted to. But Brody’s a walking trigger. Every. Single. Time that Violet tried to talk, the same turbulence arose. In BPD, without that regulation, it is unbelievably difficult to talk when…your body’s actively flipping the fuck out.

A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing.

Of course she found it easier to just not talk about it. That is an instinct ingrained by borderline.

BPD is a lonely experience every time you lose an anchor this way. The disorder is humiliating because you do not want people to see you like this, when you’re in the midst of an episode, and you have no fucking control over your body, so you yourself are flipping the fuck out.

And it’s guilty. Because when you’re in Violet’s position, where you know the reason why, you know what you want to do, but your body works against you at every turn…

It devastates a person.

Because it is your fault. You did this yourself. Reap what you sow. You’ve done it again, it’s humiliating, and you are very, very alone because you just cannot stop burning bridges.

…in the apocalypse, being chained to a boarding school does not help. There is no way to give the time and space someone like Violet needs to think, and to process, and to let those emotions relax. Brody kicks up those emotions whenever she’s around, and the dust just never settles.

Violet trapped herself in a cycle. By the hour, or by the day, for a year, it would’ve been a ceaseless agony.

One that did scar over. Violet probably got used to it, and found a routine to the snide comments. It wasn’t like Brody was leaving anytime soon.

Until she does, and she suffers a disorientating last few moments.

I’d like to think they made amends and had a full conversation. I don’t know, however. But, at least Violet does take the first step when walking from the cabin, and she entertains Brody’s fantasies about a road trip, and that she would’ve had her sights on the Grand Canyon.

Because the one mistake they made was they never talked. It wasn’t going to be an easy thing, but it is that straightforward. So when they did, or began to, the devaluation began to ebb away.

Then, a tragic irony.

Brody’s guilt was never just I’m not Minnie, so she hates me, and it’s my fault. Rather, Brody’s guilt was warranted, and quite honestly, yeah. She should’ve be guilty, because it’s I watched as my leader gave this girl’s world away, and did nothing, lied to her, to her face, for a year.

Violet didn’t know this at the time. So for her, Brody was a point of devaluation because it’s her mental health actively jeopardizing things, not the truth and circumstance. The deception, in the conversation of that mental health, instead plays itself like salt to a wound, and then a tragic irony once Brody was murdered for it.

Because Brody knew they had to tell people. If the path to mending their relationship was encouraged, then it could be read that it gave her the inch to confront Marlon. If otherwise, Brody wanted to tell everyone because she needed to, despite what turmoil the truth would’ve caused Violet.

By the time Violet does know, and there’s a funeral, she says this about Brody:

“Brody, she was… She was real sweet. She had big dreams. And we all knew they wouldn’t come true, but we didn’t care. And we didn’t care because when she was talking, whatever she said seemed possible. [. . .] I don’t know if she found the place she dreamed about, but I’m gonna miss her.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

There’s forgiveness. With Brody died that devaluation.

Not a moment thereafter, however,

“Marlon was… I can’t. Not for Marlon. After what he did to the twins and Brody, I—”  [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

The cycle continues.

Now with Marlon.

If Violet devalued Brody, she absolutely vilified Marlon. Because not only was it about the twins, there’s also Brody.

So of course she didn’t give him any peace after the fact. Why would she? Marlon had his own complexities, yes, but those complexities hurt. They brought another ambivalence.

As the essay rattles from the schoolkids, we’ll discuss another relationship now. A new, fresh one. Clementine, through who we see all of it—the emotional anchorage, the idealization, and devaluation. The splitting between. How intense Violet can be, and how volatile.

We have Clementine, who is given the chance to witness what Louis means for this wallflower, and that she grows on you (he promises so).

[VIOLENTINE: The Ship, and its Anchorage]

Platonic or romanced—the difference doesn’t matter in this essay. The shift of context between friend and more than that is just that: a shift in context. Distinguishing the two will have its moment, but it is hardly integral to the fact of the matter:

Violet anchored Clementine, and she did it swiftly. (In record time, dare I say.)

In regards to the arguments against romancing Violet, there’s a lot of people who look to Minnie, then back to Violet, and point to Clementine’s “girlfriend” dialogue. “Violet’s not over Minnie,” is a common one, right alongside, “Clementine’s just a rebound.”

Now. I’ve spent 5.5k words tearing those arguments to shreds in one section, and I still have with me another few things to say about Minnie and Violet’s relationship up my sleeve. In light of Clementine and Violet’s relationship.

Because even though I do buy that they were closer than friends arguably would be, they weren’t girlfriends. It’s why Violet was insecure within their relationship, and why that insecurity devolved into a strong case of idealization. Violet genuinely did love Minnie. Her bond with the twin will honestly forever be there, but that bond wasn’t unconditional. The conditions were at the cost of Violet’s mental health.

Then there’s the rebounding, and I will use this as a jumping off point regardless of relational status.

Rebound relationships are defined by a partner still with a previous relationship’s baggage. They’re not done healing. They haven’t quite let go. It gets in the way for committed relationships where the expectation is that both are in it 100%, and that person just…can’t. Because they’re still fixated on the last partner.

…which yes, does sound like Violet. Cuz it kinda, sorta, frankly is.

However. For one thing, this dynamic doesn’t just apply to a Violet route opted for romance. The rebound applies to a platonic dynamic, in part because I don’t frankly believe Minnie was a true girlfriend, and in part because idealization is not specific to partners. Especially in what we see in TFS, Violet needed to let go of Minnie regardless.

Then there’s the fact that being a rebound isn’t always bad. To rebound, which is where the term “rebound relationship” derives from, means for something/someone to bounce back. Or, it can mean a kind of backfire. Both uses of the word can be applied to relationships like this, which, yes, is why they’re fickle, and why people do their best to avoid.

Here’s the thing: Violet needed a new relationship to pull her out of the old one. Because Clementine is a catalyst for Violet, and she was anchored so quickly because whether Violet herself realized, she did want to move on. She couldn’t, but through Clementine, she got the chance.

And I do confidently say that she did want to, because by one interaction in the woods, Violet is disillusioned from Minerva immediately. She’s snapped out of what image she had of her, and is the one that remains realistic where Clementine can offer supporting words—along the lines of we can get her back.

It’s why Brody, through the cabin’s conversation, observes the same.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that. But when you showed up… I don’t know, I just haven’t seen her warm up to someone in a long time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

I find it interesting that Brody picks up on Violet taking to Clementine so quickly, and is able to read enough into this to try and see if it’s enough of a push for Violet to start healing. She’s right, it is enough, and Violet does take a first step in mending their relationship, and breaking away from the devaluation that was arguably heightened by her idealization of Minnie.

…granted, it’s dependent on player choice. There are Violets running around out there having fished with Clementine, but never did reconcile with Brody.

In any case, I am going to argue against Minnie being Violet’s ex because 1) who the fuck cares, I’m not concerned over purity over here, and 2) it’s likely they weren’t exes at all.

However, I won’t fight against this being a rebound. It is. But, Violet’s arc is about learning how to let the fuck go, she has a problem with letting go, so of course the relationship would be a rebound by proxy. A healthy rebound, at that.

By the time she is forced to let go of Clementine, after two newcomers are voted out, her attachment is made quite plain the moment Clementine is in danger within— What, five minutes, and Clementine is at gunpoint?

Regardless, Violet is there, bow at hand, with Louis behind her. She is ready to shoot, and it is no bluff. Violet will if prompted. Or, she will run should Clementine prioritize getting the two out of it.

Because Clementine’s already anchored. Violet trusts her to make the call, and she will follow without hesitation. Later on, after a weary night with A.J shot, then a morning of crawling back for medicine, Violet calls for Clementine to talk in the office. And in there, the anchorage is confirmed further:

“What happened out in the woods… I saw they had you pinned, and I… Shit, I got so crazy. “I know you think I didn’t do enough for you and A.J, but when I saw you were in danger, I had to do something.” / “When I heard you call for help, I didn’t even think.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

The second line is dependent on whether or not Clementine blamed Violet before, as her and Louis walked the exiled to…exile. And stuff.

But, her account as to why she ran right for Clementine, and pulled an arrow on Lilly says everything I got so crazy, I didn’t even think, I had to do something. Clementine roused a trigger.

This time, in a very good way. Well, as good as the circumstances. In any case, this does count as a trigger because it’s inciting an emotional response, and given Violet’s wording, a fight-or-flight. (I realize triggers are specific for negatives; for the sake of brevity, I don’t care. I still say it counts.) It’s the reason why, before, when I detailed how I personally get with my anchors, I do similar things. No, not literally pull an arrow on someone, but I act on impulse without care, because I just want to satisfy their needs to the absolute fullest. It’s genuine, but it’s also triggering—under a positive connotation.

After this, of course, we push into Violet leading the school as they prep for an attack, with Clementine right alongside her. Whatever happens during this time is unknown, just that the school built-up the walls, laid their defenses, and focused on instruments to help, such as traps and explosives. Shortly after the time-skip, of course, we get the belltower sequence.

Starting with an inquiry:

“I know you came back for medicine, for A.J, but after that, you could’ve just left. Avoided all the bullshit with the raiders. Why didn’t you? Sorry, I know that puts you on the spot. You don’t have to answer. We’ve all got our reasons.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet asks something that has likely been on her mind for a while, but then… Not backtracks, but she does relinquish the pressure for that answer.

As their time at the belltower continues, it’s clear where the question came from.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just…talk so much. It’s just, I’ve watched people leave before. Family, friends. They never come back. But you did. And now I can’t imagine what it would be like if you weren’t here. Um. Shit, that sounds so much dumber when I say it out loud. You know what I mean.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet’s hesitancy to speak her mind, be vulnerable, is interesting, particularly because it’s about doing so too much. It’s a very specific one, with ambiguous implications. This could be an anxiety she put on herself, or, this was something that she took after a mention that she was talking too much, getting too personal, one way or another. Then there’s also another thing, where it sounds dumber than she intended. As though when speaking her mind, Violet has an idea of what to say, but she doesn’t know quite how to articulate it.

This is a really good line of dialogue, so that latter insecurity is just that: an insecurity.

Nevertheless, this speaks volumes because it’s the first verbal admittance to an issue with abandonment. All the adults left her life, and never returned. Those include her parents, who never tried to get back to the school. Her grandfather died, so not his fault, but her grandmother shot herself right behind Violet. Which is abandonment, and really fucked to do. The teachers of Ericson’s…

Then fellow students. Most probably died, including Brody. And the twins were taken away.

Abandonment is a huge thing.

So we turn to the route where Violet is taken. And it’s not good. Violet reacts as predictably as this essay has outlined.

[Clementine] “Vi? What happened? Are you okay? Violet, talk to me… We’re here to take you home.” [Violet] “I looked for you. When they grabbed me, I saw…you let them take me. I’m just supposed to forget that because you’re here now?” [Violet, if platonic] “Some fucking friend you are.” [Violet, if romanced] “Some fucking feelings you had for me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

Here we have now a fresh faultline within her and Clementine’s relationship. It brings ambivalence. Upon seeing Clementine, she’s plunged into an episode.

And Violet splits. Her image of Clementine is distorted, so she falls back to the same pattern she did with Brody, and she is hostile.

[Clementine] “What’s wrong with you, Vi? Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.” [Violet] “No, Clem. I’m done. This whole situation is so fucked! At least here I have Minnie…” [Clementine] “You mean the Minnie that betrayed us?” [Violet] “Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

We also have Violet manipulated on top of that, led instead by Lilly and Minnie’s word, not Clementine. Because BPD primes people to manipulation, especially in times when they’re at their most vulnerable. But, throughout these interactions, we do see Clementine attempt to console her, and talk.

Violet, however, is not open to. She is not in the right state of mind. This is a BPD episode, so Clementine is not able to get through to her here. Violet does not trust her—too much ambivalence. Mitch’s death is fresh on her mind, she’s been lied to by Minnie about what happened to Sophie, and with that lie, she was told that more people would die if they did not listen.

And of course, the more time is spent, Clementine starts to get frantic as everything escalates because there’s a fucking bomb ticking away in the deck down below. So there comes about an urgency, and she can’t spend that valuable time consoling Violet.

So she starts chipping away at the door. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! You’re gonna get us all killed!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And Violet does precisely what she said she would do, and she attempts to stop Clementine herself. Because there’s Minnie again, but she also doesn’t want anyone else to die either.

Lucky for Clementine, she is stronger, and she is able to overpower Violet within a minute. However, in trying to get the cells unlatched, then to find her way to A.J, she herself is overpowered by Minerva. The urgency and stress associated backs Clementine to a corner. She still doesn’t want to see Violet hurt, so, she explains,

[Clementine] “We planted a bomb on the boat!” [Violet] “Fuck you, there’s a bomb! Mitch is dead! You just… Fucking go!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

…and again, Violet does not trust her. Mitch’s death is still fresh on her mind. Everything that Lilly and Minnie fed to her is still present.

Then, the bomb goes, and it takes Violet’s sight with it. Even on the beach, she asks for Minnie, amidst confusion because, somewhere down the line, they got separated. Louis has to be the one to support her. By this point, and some beats after, it feels like this is another Brody. Like there’s no turning back, not until a long, long year where Clementine would be in the same shoes.

Minnie makes herself known, though. She’s off in the woodland, with her people. 

And that is when this Violet has the wool pulled from her blinded eyes, because she realizes what happened.

The moment is brief. It’s very easy to miss. Yet, the attempts Clementine gave on that boat to console her, before the urgency really began to set in, was not fruitless.

Violet tries to apologize:

“Clementine? The stuff I said on the boat, in the cell, I, uh…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Beach] 

It’s not the right time for it. The schoolkids need to get off that beach, but this brief moment is huge.

The thing about episodes is, yes, in the moment, the individual is not consolable. There’s no reasoning with someone who is shut down. However, the attempts to try and console, and/or any verbal promises to leave the door open for when they’ve calmed down, the effort can be recognized and appreciated.

Once Violet snaps out of it, that’s precisely what it was. She understands that Clementine was never trying to hurt her, nor did she come to her disingenuous. Clementine was there to bring her back, because the situation was exactly as Violet herself said—fucked.

But still… Clementine was there to bring her back. 

Either way, Clementine proved herself to Violet, because down this route, she left twice, and came back both times.

Of course, the night does not end there. Clementine loses a leg. Another schoolkid is gone.

So through the weeks thereafter, Violet gave herself the time, and then, she tries again with the apology:

[Violet] “I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Clementine] “It’s okay. You went through hell in that boat, and I let that happen.” [Clementine, if platonic] “I’m just glad we got you out of there.” [Clementine, if romanced] “I’m just glad I got you back. I was so worried I’d lost you.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

In this apology, Violet articulates the position she was in, and admits the kind of influence Minnie was to her—not a good one. And in turn, Clementine acknowledges her. She doesn’t demean Violet for what she did. On top of that, she expresses how she’s just happy that Violet is there in the moment.

This route is bittersweet. We have the beginning, where Violet is guarded, then she warms up to Clementine, finds an anchoring point, and acts upon a fierce loyalty. Which then is hurt when Clementine chooses to save Louis instead. The time on the boat is very bitter because…the truth about borderline is, yeah no, it does not care who the person is to the mentally ill. The disorder is a disorder for a reason. It will hurt, and it will put a strain and test a relationship.

Then you just have the big fuck you axe where Minnie…effectively was the one who managed to wound Clementine, have her get bit, and then lose the leg. Which isn’t really how an eye for an eye goes, but that’s what this route goes with.

But then…, it’s sweet. Because Clementine did the right things, with what stress she was under.

She tried to talk to Violet, and in doing so, she left a door open for Violet to crawl back through when the time was ready. It was sooner rather than later for her, since Minnie… Whatever. However, it’s an apocalypse; a boat was just blown the fuck up. So while it was the time for Violet, it was not the time for literally anyone else. Ergo, a second attempt, to which there was resolve.

Clementine and Violet did not make the same mistake that Brody and Violet did.

And that’s what saves the relationship.

Now, let’s waltz all the way back and save Violet, just to show what Clementine and her do right to build a healthy connection, whereas her and Minnie went wrong. To do this, taking a brief visit to the romantic will help in dissecting an evolution found as the episodes progress.

After the bits of dialogue in the beginning of this section, Clementine can choose to confess her feelings for Violet. It can be solidified by a kiss, or a question for a relationship, or…a meek silence, to which Violet is able to read and feel the same. Clementine can also express confusion, in that she needs the time, but express the interest all the same.

There’s a sweet moment here, and with the kiss, it can also be a touch awkward because…

Okay, they kind of flounder. Violet more so. Which is interesting to note, because Violet “supposedly” was in a relationship before. Sure, the moment on its own doesn’t mean an experienced person wouldn’t be any less awkward, but with the following steps in their relationship, it does support the suspicion this essay has in that she never had a reciprocated, romantic relationship with Minnie.

The moment where Violet asks Clementine to dance, and is nervous to do so, is one of those steps in the relationship:

“When you told me you have feelings for me, I was shocked. Then I started thinking. There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before? [. . .] Do you…wanna? Just us. No one else around. I mean, I know it’s kind of weird, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to try.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

It’s a step in way of romance (Clementine even remarks after how they’re getting better), but it’s also a step in Violet’s confidence in being vulnerable with someone. She’s still clearly anxious here. Violet still has some of that self-deprecation, and it comes back if Clementine rejects the offer because the idea was stupid, or something along those lines.

But she still does ask. And it’s a big ask, because this is important to Violet. So if Clementine reciprocates the dance, it’s yet another sweet moment, and it builds the confidence within for this relationship further.

Before the night, Violet can tell Clementine how she got to Ericson’s. Then, through the night itself, she backs Clementine every step of the way. Shoots Minnie. Escapes with the schoolkids, only to come back and find her with Tenn and A.J, safe and sound.

During their walk, Violet opens up again. This time, there is none of that self-deprecation, and Violet even gets choked up—but she’s not really ashamed for it, she just continues and says her piece.

“While we were looking for you guys, and I… I thought you might be…gone for good…, um, shit. I was trying to figure out what I’d do if you were gone, and I realized how goddamn stupid I was. About Minnie. For a whole fucking year. I was so wrapped up in losing her and Sophie, I pushed away everyone who tried to care about me. Marlon, Brody, Louis. Even you and A.J. I tried my damnedest not to care about either of you. And I still couldn’t tell you why.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

She admits everything. Is so very open to Clementine, and tells her what is on her mind. There’s Minnie. There’s what she regrets.

[You were afraid] “I was a goddamn coward. I’m not a coward anymore.” [I’ve done the same thing.] “And then you wonder why you fight so hard to stay alive. I don’t wonder anymore.” [You cared about me.] (Platonic) “I didn’t expect to find a friend like you, not ever again. But I’m really glad I did.” / (Romantic) “Yeah, I did. Way more than I meant to. I’m still kind of amazed we found each other, you know?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

By this point in the story, Violet has undergone her arc.

She is a changed person because of Clementine’s influence, and she sees what she either didn’t see before, or did but had forgotten. Through a rebound, because Violet just needed a second chance to redeem herself.

Now…, she didn’t expect to find a friend like Clementine ever again? It’s interesting that Violet indicates Clementine was a second chance with the platonic route, not the romantic. Is this her quietly admitting that Minnie was never beyond a friend, actually? Or is this in reference to Brody and Sophie instead?

I dunno. Just found that interesting, since she could have said an equivalent for the romantic dialogue. In any case…

There is something so profound with how this relationship contrasts the ones which came before. As a friend or partner, Clementine never gets to the point of Minnie’s idealization, nor Brody’s devaluation. Both are antithetical to each other because they balance on the same scale—that being insecurity. Violet cared for Minnie and Brody deeply, and those emotions are genuine.

However. 

Minnie was put on a pedestal because there were faultlines to that relationship which Violet did not want to face. Brody, instead, was degraded because rather than faults, it was easier to ignore the good sides to Brody. And the good sides were a really, really sweet girl who dreamed of a better life—something that Violet could never see for herself after the twins.

Then there’s Clementine.

Even at their worst moment, where Violet’s trust in Clementine waned, she still did trust her. Clementine told her there was a bomb. Violet snapped because Mitch was the one who knew explosives, and he was dead. And yet, she got herself blinded because she knew Clementine wasn’t lying to her. She trusted her enough to know…

Well yeah. There’s a bomb.

Beyond that, however, Violet decides to do some arts and crafts, even though she says they’re stupid. Or Violet’ll ask for a dance that she’s desperately yearned for. She’ll talk to Clementine, a lot, even if she didn’t mean to do it “so much.”

Clementine as an anchor never truly corrodes. It’s tested down one of the routes, yet by the end of it, the relationship is maintained.

…there’s a final note which taps into this.

We come back again to identity one last time. For a brief anecdote—nestled within the shadows of what exhaustion this essay has gone over with Minnie and Brody, and now Clementine—, but an important one. Violet’s sense of identity will remain to be untold because we don’t have that perspective. She never talks about herself like that, so there’s no true insight for Clementine to gather.

Yet there are scant traces of identity diffusion, or an incoherent identity, ceaselessly disturbed by external influences.

This calls back to a copycat nature where borderline personalities will imitate in order to find stability. Ambitions, beliefs, interests—these all go right along with it, because they very well can change, and do so radically. Impulsions in way of severe life choices are made on the foundation this nature provides.

And that foundation is not strong.

There is no way to truly understand and deconstruct Violet’s sense of identity, yet, her behavior and choices made throughout the season can give us something to chew on.

Between the two routes, Violet is…a hair shy from being an entirely different person. The Violet Clementine brings onto the boat is not the same as the Violet she meets there. By contrast, Louis remains consistent; bring him on the boat, and he acts as expected—same with when we find him…without a tongue.

One is Clementine’s Violet. The other is Minerva’s Violet.

In both routes, Violet’s impulsion changes her life’s trajectory. She either shoots Minnie, or, she goes after the bomb and blinds herself. In one route, she’s outspoken, combative to the Delta, and fiercely loyal to the school; in the other, she does behave like how Minnie described her—never could talk to people, never to be class president. The Violet in that second route is withdrawn and quiet…

But she does confront Clementine.

She mimics Minerva’s newfound bellicosity that she dawned from the Delta, and it’s pitted against Clementine by following both her and Lilly’s word.

Going back to the first episode, where Brody tells Clementine that Violet withdrew herself from everyone, a lot of that was depression. Violet also actively told herself to push everyone away (…except Tenn, a remnant of the twins). However, there is a read here that she withdrew herself because there was no one left for Violet to mirror. She reverted herself back to the girl who sat in front of the television, with her grandmother’s fresh corpse just behind her.

Not to say that Violet doesn’t have a personality on her own. No, she still does. Having a weak sense of identity doesn’t automatically mean that there’s no identity at all. It can just mean the self-perception of identity is weak, but given that it is a self-perception, what is Violet going to draw from if she doesn’t…know how to read herself?

So Clementine meets Violet in the midst of this. She’s sarcastic and grates for a minute about the car. She keeps up a wall between her and Clementine. But by the end of the episode, and the start of the second, here Violet is cleaver at hand, about to lead the school.

Marlon scathes when she stands toe-to-toe. Talks about her being difficult again—but that in itself is ambiguous, because does this mean she’s gone toe-to-toe before, or does this mean Violet has a tendency to be inconsistent? And was that night another inconsistency?

But then… Louis. He admires the fact that Violet is like his white knight. He relies on her to protect him, because he knows that there is no doubt—she will.

Then being a leader. That comes as a surprise to presumably everyone. There’s a few points of dialogue that suggest it, others that blatantly say it, and then more few beats where we see the contention between Violet’s leadership and the schoolkids.

There’s conflict here. Violet is inconsistent in who she wants to be.

And it’s just that, isn’t it?

The TWDG community has long since decided that Violet’s arc is about letting go of Minnie (for those who see past the “rebound” thing), and self-discovery. Which is still true, but through the lens of BPD, there’s another layer to this. It’s about learning to let go despite disorder. And then, it’s learning what she wants from people, and who she wants to emulate, again, despite disorder.

What kind of person does Violet want to be?

And this is distinct from Louis, because with Louis, it is also a self-discovery. He is care-free, live in the moment, to a detriment. To be quite frank, the only reason why he got that far into the apocalypse was because he relied on his community. Not because he couldn’t contribute, but because he has his fair share of self-depreciation.

But there is no question. He knows who he is, and he knows the kind of man he wants to be. It’s why Louis does talk about his sense of self as much as he does.

Whereas Violet really doesn’t, perhaps because she can’t. All of what she confines in Clementine is the fact that things get overwhelming, and she gets confused. Quite frequently. But also, her relationships. Everything external for her, because… Again, she struggles to articulate what’s going on internally, because of that confusion. It takes time for that articulation to be feasible.

Violet has a patchwork identity. She’s kept traits of others—such as the singing. Granted, everybody does this. However, there’s her own within patchwork, but those have gone largely unexplored in the past.

Then here’s Clementine, the catalyst to this arc.

Which begs the question, why? What about Clementine has this impact on Violet?

Something about her draws Violet in. 

At first, yeah. Clementine’s new. There’s an air of mystery around a girl who totals a car at Ericson’s front lawn, with a kid in tow. But that mystery alone doesn’t equate to a cleaver pulled, guarding the new people from the rest—her own people.

The answer is rather simple: Violet is mirroring Clementine, so all there is to do is look at that reflection. And we find a leader. We find someone who is compassionate, and does everything to fight for their own. Actually fight. Tooth-and-nail. Someone who does whatever it takes to survive, even if that means rubbing the good ol’ walker jelly, or, taking risks to secure a bag of food.

Clementine’s compassion for people is evident once she wakes up, and she has A.J by her side. Her skills in leadership, her drive to fight, to survive—those are all made very clear at the train station, with both Louis and Violet following her lead.

So Violet mimicked. She found the same traits within herself, then elevated them. Brought them to the surface.

As the relationship continues to build—platonic or romantic—, Violet finds reciprocation. She’s not just emulating what Clementine would like to see. After all, she was sat in the headmaster’s chair while Clementine and A.J were still exiled. That indicates how Violet found, if not a comfort, a consolation in that part of herself.

The reciprocation continues whenever Clementine responds to her, and she validates Violet, she shows interest in what Violet says, and what Violet wants to do. Violet can ramble on and on as long as she wants, and Clementine would still listen. Violet (if romanced) can ask for a dance, and Clementine would oblige. Either way, Violet gives Clementine a pin. Clementine puts it on.

It's that compassion, and it cascades authenticity off Clementine to the people she surrounds herself with. She’s also someone who feels strongly. This character is a very empathetic person. Throughout S1, Clementine was perceptive of the people around her, and she cared. Deeply so. S2, the same thing, even if her morality began to grey. The start to closing herself off to protect herself was present. S3 as well, especially in her drive to find A.J once she learned he was still alive, out there somewhere.

Throughout the seasons, there are also plenty of moments where her empathy shows. Clementine does genuinely feel what the people around her express. Like with Louis, when his tongue is cut. You can hear in her voice how pained she is, regardless of the relationship itself. She’s pained because Louis is.

And given what she’s lived through on top of that? Clementine would absolutely put 100% in a relationship, enough to match someone like Violet.

There is another reason to this why, and the thought struck me when I was reminded of an easter egg during Violet and Clementine’s scene up on the belltower. A constellation, which Clementine can draw for herself, and he’ll wink right back at her:

Kenny.

This connection is an interesting one to make for a scene with Violet. It’s cheeky first and foremost. 

Regardless, there’s a parallel drawn here. Violet and Kenny are very similar, in that…Kenny likely had BPD. TWDGhas two seasons, then a couple flashbacks, where we can read it so. That man was volatile himself. Fiercely loyal, but could absolutely flip on a dime if his perception of the people around did not align with what he desired—it’s why he’s so fickle with Lee, to the point the gameplay reflects it, and then Clementine as well, because this behavior was the ultimate antagonist. His spiral down mental health escalated, and escalated, and escalated.

And he’s guilty. Tells Clementine that to leave him, or to shoot him, is the right choice to make.

But should the two survive together, with dreams of driving down to Florida, we find that he…is okay. He’s stable. His anchorage with Clementine and A.J is strong, without ambivalence. In this storyline, she sees that with people like him, sticking around through the bullshit can be worth the trouble.

Of course, it’s also a testament whether or not it is worth it. Some people, including myself, left Kenny in S2. Because the turmoil through the season was just that significant.

He genuinely cares, but like my mom, Kenny still hurts. Especially in S2. Because despite himself, he just could never seem to get past what he felt, and his impulses.

Clementine’s relationship with Kenny varies across different choices made, and the interpretations thereof. My personal interpretation of Kenny will contrast wildly to another. And that’s okay.

But whatever the interpretation is, and the choices made, Clementine has experience with people like Violet. She’s lived through the type of behavior conditions BPD and alike bring. She knows how to navigate them, and find healthy grounds.

Clementine keeps an open line of communication with Violet. Expresses interest, and accepts what Violet herself has to offer. But she also has her boundaries. For one, A.J. He is her priority. Two, when Violet fights her, Clementine fights back because it’s not okay—do not lay a hand on me. Now, whether or not she would’ve fought like she did if there was no bomb, and A.J was still in the cell…

I don’t know. I assume it would’ve been one of those major choices of the game. Either talk her down, or fight.

…similar to what Lee has with Kenny, up in the attic after the house in Savannah is swarmed, or on the train before that.

Bringing Kenny into the conversation is…funny, in a way. At least to me. I write all this, because TWDG secured its place in my heart by being the very thing I needed through a really, really bad year where my mental health (BPD) reared its ugly head. TWDG as a whole, but S2 especially. I realize why so many people have issues with the season, and I get it. It’s only natural for that to happen when every season has its distinctive personality—not everyone will gel with its voice. That, and it does have its fair share of flaws.

But if it was not for S2, I would not be in the fandom. Because that season was 2019 boiled down to the pure chaos I inadvertently put myself through, and it did so by having me play a character who when she was taken seriously, she just could not do it right, then…, when she wasn’t, it was out of neglect, where the adults put themselves first. Every. Time. And…one of those adults was a blunt reflection of it all.

Up until the final moment. The breaking point.

It’s how I felt inside my head. And still do, sometimes. When I’m stuck inside a season rooted in instability—a winter—, things just keep happening, and there is no end, even though I try to maintain the fantasy of peace in those slow moments. But…there’s just no end. There’s only escalation.

It was something I needed to experience in isolation, where I understood that it’s just a game, and it’s within the scope of 7.5 hours.

Swiftly thereafter, I started writing. Because again, it’s what I’ve always done. So AYDF came to be, where Clementine’s an alcoholic, but not because she’s legitimately an alcoholic in the gameplay. I get she’s not; my Clementine is an alcoholic because…it’s an obscure remark of borderline, and an exploration wherein I thought to use an entirely different disorder to express such a thing. In part because I’d yet to really (re)consider BPD (it wasn’t until some time later that I understood), but also…I’m a storyteller. Having alcoholism represent BPD is interesting.

It’s all why I adore TWDG, and my Clementine, and ADYF. Together, they’re an anchor of mine.

Clementine and Violet’s relationship included, because I did not expect to find Violet. I knew about their relationship before playing—heard it whilst I did light research on which games to buy. But I didn’t expect to find a character who…also emulates what S2 did for me. Just, in a more matured light than who I was in 2019. Also didn’t expect the relationship to provide growth for my Clementine in regards to these personalities, because mine did absolutely struggle the first time—with Kenny, and the devastating choice she made.

Cuz like.

Oops. A.J’s still alive. Um. Whelp.

(…for context—because I know the assumption—, no, Jane was not there. I left S2 with both her and Kenny dead. Clementine just shot the last adult who could’ve helped A.J.)

To see the chances where Clementine is the person Violet needed—to treat her well—, and take those chances, I didn’t expect to find Violentine as this embodiment of a healthy relationship despite borderline. It’s not perfect—obviously it’s not—, but all things considered, it is healthy by the end, no matter the route.

It’s regardless of whether or not Violet actually has BPD. She’s not diagnosed, and I don’t intend to have her be diagnosed. But at the same time…, this essay kinda makes it clear that Violet is a textbook example anyway. A good one to me.

And a good one to A.J.

[A.J, & Serving an Example]

Throughout this essay, the priority has been clarifying BPD, and unveiling what it feels like. A mechanism that may lead to the disorder, then the mechanisms that the disorder itself deploys. How it effects the person, in their identity or, most notably with Violet, relationships.

And the way Violet articulates herself, through the several dialogue lines within this post, it is evident that she’s aware. There’s a self-deprecation to it, but, Violet knows her issues and what it does, whether or not she knows its name—BPD, or something else entirely. Given the ambiguity that the game allows, it is still left unsaid.

But that’s the first thing: she does talk about it. Violet knows herself well enough to.

Not only that, she demonstrates a responsibility in her disorder.

With this essay, there hasn’t been much in the way of responsibility. Because it isn’t until A.J enters the discussion do we truly see this come to light.

I will be the first to say that, while I can sympathize with other people of the diagnosis—even empathize—, I am rather critical when it comes to being responsible of our actions. From knowing a trigger but being around it anyway, to refusing to communicate when a hand reaches out—there’s issues I take. Because there are things that needs to be done with BPD, and those are not it.

The fact of the matter is, sorry, it fucking sucks. But also, it is your disorder, as it is mine. It isn’t your fault that it happened, but it did, and you’re kinda just stuck living with it. It’s not the responsibility of anyone else to fix and manage every aspect of BPD.

Finding people like Clementine, or a support system like the schoolkids, will do wonders because, yes, they can help. But Clementine, and the schoolkids, also have their fair share of shit. To expect them to drop everything is unfair, the same way that being expected to just drop your BPD for someone else’s sake is unfair. 

It’s a give and take. There will be a ceaseless line of dialogue in the name of boundaries, and clarification, and everything in between.

So we return to Violet’s apology to Clementine.

“I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

She doesn’t excuse it. Violet gives reason—and that reason is, more or less, she was not in a right mind—, and she articulates what position she was in, but there is no excuse.

Because the difference between an excuse, and an apology, is that one is done with the intention to be forgiven, the other is done with the intention to resolve—the forgiveness is a hope, not the reward.

Being able to do such a thing, unprompted, speaks volumes to Violet’s maturity, and her understanding of her own mental health. For people with BPD, more often than not, it’s easier to blame someone else because…looking inward, and realizing you royally fucked up again is not easy. Or, it’s easier to use apologies to seek a reward—like forgiveness—, and to indulge in a brief gratification that may ensure a person stays.

Well, okay. The same can really be said for everyone. BPD, however, does has its way in amplification.

Nevertheless, A.J is able to witness this moment, take it in. It’s a lesson in itself.

But given Violet is saved, and Louis is mute, there is another moment which not only speaks volumes, but it serves to A.J clarity.

After the last meal shared in the game series, and Violet with Clementine deliberates over a caravan, A.J can ask Violet one thing:

“Aren’t you still mad I killed Tenn?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

It’s a fresh wound for her. The pain of it is laid clear across Violet’s face. However, in response,

“The thing you said on the bridge…, that he was messing up all the time. It wasn’t something new, you know. Tenn got himself or other people into trouble all the time, long before you guys got here. He was always so lost. He lived in a world that just…isn’t there, you know? And that’s why I tried to look after him. But when I was pulling him away from the walkers, and Minnie, I could also see…he just wasn’t there anymore.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

Or, it’s complicated, but she understands why. Violet is able to acknowledge where A.J comes from. She does, and she sets aside her emotions. There is no corrosion here. Violet doesn’t devalue A.J for this, even though the gravity of his choice would’ve provided a validity. A warped and intense validity, but one all the same.

They trade more words, and amongst them, Violet asks a damning question, and A.J accepts:

[A.J] “So you’re mad, but sad.” [Violet] “Can I be that for a while?” [A.J] “Yeah, it’s okay.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

A.J acknowledges her. She asks for further acknowledgement—the time to heal.

And he understands, and he allows her the room.

…the thing about Violet and A.J, in contrast to Louis and A.J, is that A.J looks up to these characters for very different reasons. Louis is a great guy. I want A.J to be like him, or better yet, a matured version of Louis. He’s charming, charismatic, good-natured, and through the game, we do see that he begins to donate an effort to do better.

Really, it’s not a mystery as to why A.J grew attached so quickly.

Violet, meanwhile, is confusing. She’s not that great with people, is instead a bit of a pill to swallow, and with her trauma comes a volatility.

Sure, she was the one who stood-up for Clementine and A.J when Louis didn’t, but in playing this season, I’ve always gotten the implication that A.J—at least initially—does have a preference for Louis. And I say implication because it’s never said outright, but there are some dialogues and reactions of his that had me wonder. I also don’t mean he doesn’t like Violet, no, but more that he doesn’t necessarily understand what Clementine sees in her.

At least, that isn’t until time passes, and more is spent with Violet, does she start to grow on him as well.

Louis models a more…digestible person. He has his problems, but they are easy to explain and understand. He was a spoiled brat. He sabotaged a marriage over something so very petty. And now, where his upbringing still rears its head through his immature work ethic, he struggles with deep insecurities.

There is a complexity here. One that does deserve its own essay, though I’m not really the right person for that. (Here’s an essay, by @stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale. Pretty good. And they gots a lot of essays like it. …but also, again, sorry for tagging; I know this is absurdly long. Lol.)

Violet, meanwhile, comes with a confusion because her issues are so steeped in stigma. Which is to be expected in conditions like BPD, where…yeah, there’s the chance she will lash out, do things she doesn’t mean, because a switch was flipped.

Where Louis is someone that A.J would like to aspire to, Violet seem to stand as a figure A.J can grow to appreciate. Having her as a model gives A.J the chance to understand that with people like Violet, you give them space and time. Work with them, and if they are genuine people, they will prove themselves worth the effort.

It does take effort, however, and the time spent with them.

And if there is no effort given, and no time spent…

Yeah. Violet will be that wallflower.

[Conclusion]

There’s nothing else this essay really has to say at its core. BPD is a very, very confusing disorder. Both internally, and externally. Stigma doesn’t help. It is, after all, a huge reason why I wrote this.

Because the stigma is quite honestly the worst thing about BPD. In many resources—whether they’re linked below, or you find them on your own—, you’ll find that a BPD diagnosis often comes with others right along with it. Addictions, eating disorders, depression…

To those who don’t know better (or maybe they do), that’s just…natural. It’s how it is.

But I remember going to my family, telling them that there is something wrong, only…to be assured otherwise. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because BPD isn’t greatly understood, and when it is, realizing that none of them got to save me from my mother in time has its way in denial. What my mother did wasn’t right, however, I could’ve ended up like her. 

Just not through those initial traumas.

Rather, I could’ve, had I made the same mistakes she did with the silent traumas thereafter—decades, now, where the people around me refuse to acknowledge my words, and listen to me, because I know the look in the eye, and I sometimes find it in the mirror. Those initial traumas may have been the first lashing, but it’s the time after which seals BPD within a person. Because the condition goes unchecked. It ferments. People tell you one thing, but you feel another, and as a child, you decide to trust their word, not your own body. Which breaks you. Gets to a point where there’s no real return, because people like me weren’t allowed to learn otherwise.

Understanding what happened to me was a very lonely experience, despite the sheer amount of people I had around me.

…and it hurts, somewhere deep in the recesses of my alexithymia, that my abuse never came from people who hated me. My mother didn’t, not in those initial years. None of my family did, in the decades into adulthood. But still, they hurt. The abuse came from the people I least want to admit, in ways that media would deem too boring for our idled attention spans.

I proclaimed that BPD is when a mechanism deploys, and the cost means a sacrifice of one integral function. It is still true—the mechanism, alongside the personality, and that specific initial trauma will influence how that BPD is expressed.

Yet, Borderline Personality Disorder happens when a mechanism deploys at a great cost, and that sacrifice is never restored. It is the neglect of the individual’s emotional turmoil after catastrophe that does it, where the same mechanism festers until it is there to stay as an ugly, depraved scar.

It is the disorder where a person was never allowed to heal, despite the mind and body screaming that they need to.

So when I hear BPD and the diagnoses alongside, I hear yet another time where someone likely knew there was something wrong, but they chose to find stability by other means, because it wasn’t found in the people around. Addictions bring those dopamine hits that BPD elevates. Eating disorders, where maybe…they can find something about themselves to control. Because there is none day to day, nor in relationships. And depression? Honestly, it speaks for itself; if a person manages to find themselves with a tumultuous anchor, or no anchor at all, it’s easy to slip into.

Or, if the diagnoses are born conditions, like ADHD or autism, or others, like schizophrenia, those speak to a concern where those conditions were left unchecked, and they festered as BPD, they were what predisposed it…

Yet, when I hear a story like Violet’s, it is a true reassurance.

Sure she’s not diagnosed. But still. The game doesn’t hide anything. It doesn’t “assure” the player that Violet isn’t this type of person, that she isn’t literally sick in the head.

TFS shows her issues quite plainly. And it’s because it does, and refuses to lie to make anyone feel better, does the game promise something that is so, so desperately yearned for in those with borderline.

It’s acknowledgement.

To tell someone that, yes, you’re not confused that you feel confused amid a chaos. You are. But there are ways to work with it, and around it. You can, actually, have strong relationships with people, and in those like Clementine, even if/when you fail, they will stay, because they understand.

To tell someone all of that is a first step towards understanding BPD, a disorder so shrouded because of stigma, and little else.

And so you have a character who still has her struggles with it, but she has a support system, and she’s taught herself enough to manage—did it well, considering the circumstances. She was left to her own devices. Sure, she had her grandparents to escape from home, but…, well. Yeah. After her grandma, Violet was then sent straight to the boarding school. The apocalypse struck. The adults left. And though her community still cherishes her, Violet…was designated as their wallflower.

So it’s funny, to have found this character this way, because Louis was right.

Violet does grow on you. If you let her, anyway. She can be suffocating.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

Volt out.

Volt's Library (my writing) Clem Comic Essay #1 (canon stuff) Clem Comic Essay #2 (language)

Links: to start your own research

BPD (General) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (4 types); 4 (quiet BPD)

BPD (Stigma) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5 (r/BPD)

BPD (Anchors/FP) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD vs Bipolar | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (comorbid BPD & Bipolar)

BPD (Identity Disturbance) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD (in Relationships) | 1 ; 2 ; 3

[thepringlesofblood]

All The Fix Facts

thank u hank green for my autistic rights

also god bless the fine folks that put up episode transcripts on the d20 wiki so I can copy-paste these lengthy quotes directly

Ep 1

For every snake in the world, there is 1 snake dick/Every snake that has a dick has 2 dicks.

Bonus Brennan Facts:

komodo dragons are actually not poisonous, but the bacteria in their mouth is so powerful that it acts like a toxic venom

Ronnie shows The Fix a drawing he did of "a diagram of the indentations on a snake's lip that lets it detect heat signatures."

Ep 2

eyes can't be itchy. "The membranes around the eyes are innervated with itch receptors and pain neurons, whereas the eyes themselves only have pain neurons because, of course, evolution is strongly incentivized to prevent you from scratching your cornea with your fingernail. So your eyes are never actually itchy."

"The "tails" on a swallowtail butterfly serve no aerodynamic purpose. They're there because birds need something to grab onto when they're trying to kill a butterfly, and they are designed to capture the attention of a bird. The bird will grab onto that tail, and it will break off, and the butterfly is free."

Ep 3

the urethra contains taste receptors/tastebud-like structures

"when eagles grip onto something, they have to flex a muscle to un-grip... So an eagle can hold onto something so hard that even after it dies, it never lets go."

most of the pyramids on Earth are in Sudan

pelicans have 3 stomachs- one of them's just for bones

"it's really easy to detect an acid. But it's not easy to detect the presence of oxygen or carbon dioxide. But when carbon dioxide meets water, like it does in our blood, it creates carbonic acid. That means that our bodies can detect the presence of carbon dioxide, but not the presence or absence of oxygen. So as we move through our lives, if we are deprived of oxygen, we have no idea that that is happening as long as we are breathing out carbon dioxide. But if we are not breathing in oxygen, we just go to sleep and we die. But if we allow the CO2 to build up, we panic. We flail. We break. Until finally, we die."

Ep 4 (folks, we were FED tonight!)

"did you know...that people can have constipation so bad that it will back up and impact their vagus nerve? And as they are finally eliminating that impacted stool, it can have a effect on the nervous system so great that they forget who they are, called constipation-related amnesia. A woman in Tokyo forgot who she was for eight hours" [I just had to fact-check this one, I could only find the one article but still jfc]

"Bones are actually living, and do you know that the reason we produce blood inside of our bones is because it's one of the places that's safest from UV radiation?"

"There are also some birds that can produce a kind of nutritious substance that they'll, that instead of regurgitating their own food, they will produce a kind of milk. It's almost like lactation, but it evolved separately. It was a case of convergent evolution. Pigeons do it."

"There are some salamanders that feed their babies their own skin."

Bonus Brennan Bird Facts

"...there are some species of birds that have a secondary pouch in their esophagus or in their digestive tract where they actually contain, referred to as a craw that has stones or other hard material to help break up food matter before it passes into the rest of their digestive tract."

"Did you know that woodpeckers have a tongue bone called a hyoid bone that wraps around their brain because...it needs to protect their brain from the impact...of...smashing into the wood of the tree to, you know devour their common meal items, which of course are grubs and larval insects."

Ep 5

you can't hum while blocking your nose

Some reptiles have a light-sensing organ on top of their head so they can sense shadows from potential predators

the bootlace worm is the longest animal in the world (not a reptile though rip)

Bonus Brennan Snake Facts!

The black mamba has been clocked going as fast as 12.5 mph, meaning it could outrun even some of the fastest humans, and since its resting speed is 7.5 mph, it would have the stamina to catch up even after a long time, since most humans run around 6 mph

the reticulated python is the longest snake in the world: not the biggest, that's the green anaconda, but the longest.

[thank u brennan for creating a personification of my special interest in snakes and repeatedly including him in things]

Ep 6

some organisms in the ocean glow when disturbed so that if they get eaten, the thing that ate them glows and is eaten. (hank says it way better, I think the ones he was talking about were dinoflagellates?)

"Did you know that the North Pole is actually a South Pole, because when you look at a compass, it points north. But the north pole of the compass is what's pointing north, and north poles point to the south poles. So when we go to the North Pole, it's actually the South Pole." (as i think siobhan said, i don't think i'm smart enough to understand that just yet, so I transcribed his exact words)

Bonus Brennan Fact (from Pasha!)

Diners came to be because people would take old decommissioned dining cars from trains and turn them into stationary eating establishments.

Bonus adventuring party facts under the cut!

Ep 1

the snake dicks are called "hemipenes"

"it's more like the penis branches at the base...they're forked dicks. But you can't see the fork at the end"

Brennan: "Some snakes breed...in a big knot"

Siobhan: "echidnas have a four-pronged penis."

Siobhan: "Kangaroos have heat-sensing penises, 'cause they have to get real deep in there...[and] wobble around in there"

Hank adds "[to] find the right path" and then says "The multipath vaginal canal is like, are you fucking kidding me?" implying that kangaroos have multipath vaginal canals

Siobhan: "Pythagoras was a communist who ran a math cult...that murdered a guy because he gave away the secret of perfect numbers."

Brennan, Danielle, and Trapp all have things to say about the invention of the chocolate chip cookie

Dan: "a staggering amount of what we consider canonical American desserts are inventions by corporations to sell flour...key lime pie is a complete marketing invention."

Ep 2

look idk if it was a joke or not, but Hank did say "It's definitely true that if you cum in space, it'd push you backwards."

(yes, I know the original quote is from the McElroys)

Ep 3 - no facts, but a cool quote from Antonio R. Damasio - "We are not thinking machines that feel, we are feeling machines that think."

Ep 4 - no facts, but soft confirmation of Elias being neurodivergent!

"this sudden moment of someone who you say a fact to, and they say a fact back, and you suddenly go, wait a minute. Which feels very, that's not how every mind works, but it's how Elias's mind works, right? For this guy, this is the thing." (Brennan)

Ep 5

From Brennan & Danielle: Paralegals don't present in court, but rather review documents and speeches and information. Maybe not a new fact to y'all, but I didn't know that!

Trapp: the "hedonic treadmill" is a term describing the way that people are always returning to sort of a base state of happiness, always looking for the next thing that will make them more happy.

[captainsparklefingers]

Okay, thank God for whoever does the CR transcripts and puts them up on the wiki, they have saved my bacon. The Yussa stuff happens AFTER the Lavish Chateau, not before, it's an evening thing, not a day thing.

Okay. We can work with them. Got this planned. I can skim over things, this'll work...okay.

I can still be thrown into the sea though because I'm sure this is garbage and also it's stupid to be stressing out about this stuff.

[overnighttosunflowers]

HI I'M LATE TO THE WRITER ASK GAME! ❤️💥🎁🦈 (for my brand) 🧪🤩

HI NATALIE THANK YOU FOR THE ASK <3

❤️ What is your favorite line that you’ve written in a fic?

What the hell, have a goofy excerpt from the journal fic:

List of ideas Prostrate self on spiky rock New rock??? Horse???? Sculpt horse out of rock Repair old rock?? Repair old rock with blood Sacrifice self → Delilah’s magic in soul = soul goes into old rock = repairs rock?? Find Delilah new magic = gives back rock?? Prostrate self on very very spiky rock on the ground in front of her so that she can step on me → forgiveness via pain as I deserve Give some other chance to take retribution?? Give her my hair?????

💥 What is one canon thing that you wish you could change?

I really wish we’d spent longer in Yios—it felt like Matt spent soooo long building up to it and then the Hells found all the information they needed in like two episodes and skedaddled. The pacing has been pretty frantic and while I’m enjoying all of it I’m also hopeful that the second half(?) of the campaign will have a little more breathing room. I was put a bit in mind of the way Campaign 2 felt right around Travelercon—whipping through the visit to the Blooming Grove for instance. Having something fixed on a calendar is tough.

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

God I absolutely cannot get the hang of FCG and it drives me insane. I’m almost tempted to write something set during this Wildemount arc where Imogen gets to yell at him or something just to practice his (impossible) voice and getting inside their head.

🧪 Do you research for your fics?

I am a terminal canonfucker so yes I dooooo. Lots and lots and lots of linkable transcripts, primarily, but when I was writing the journal fic I had like seven or eight tabs open at a time—a couple of transcripts, the two critrolestats campaign calendar pages, a CR wiki page about the calendar, a critrolestats tab listing all of Imogen’s dreams, and a couple of CR wiki episode pages.

🤩 What led to your interest in the fandom?

I got really into TAZ balance in I think 2018—I’d been hearing @thunderburning talk about it for quite a while and then someone I was friendly with at work recommended it as well and I figured what the heck. I started seeing some CR on my dash from following TAZ blogs and gradually became interested. The thing that finally pushed me over the edge was meeting someone at a work lunch who spoke really enthusiastically about it, and then immediately going on a vacation where I had a lot of downtime (car rides and also jet lag insomnia). I think I listened to maybe the first six or seven episodes of Campaign 2 on that trip? It was a bit of a slow burn and then somewhere around the disastrous hospital heist episode I really went all in.

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share? I truly don’t have much right now so I am taking inspiration from you and using something I abandoned. I had fully forgotten about this one, it was set post-38. I’d written about a thousand words so I’m putting it under a read-more.

After dinner, after everything, they’re laying blankets out around the base of the sun tree. Laudna doesn’t really remember coming outside. She doesn’t really remember dinner. Snatches of it—Imogen beside her, hand on her arm, bracing her. It makes it feel more real. Imogen and the sun tree.

As they lay down, Laudna hovers a little, unsure of what to do, whether to—where to—it was her idea to sleep out here and they’re all looking to her and she doesn’t know where to, what to—

“Laudna?” Imogen says, and her voice is a touch to the hand, soft, firm, kind. “Come here, honey.” She’s found a spot in the curling roots, a trough between them. She sits and holds out a hand, and Laudna takes it and curls down beside her, lays against the rough, warm bark. She doesn’t quite realize she hasn’t been breathing until Imogen lays down beside her. Warmth in both directions. Everywhere. It’s been a long time since she was warm.

There’s a sound. The bumping of a wheel across ground. “Imogen, sorry, I wanted to check. Did you want me to—” Letters says. “In case tonight’s the night?”

Imogen shifts beside her. “Oh—sure, Letters. Yeah, thank you.”

Laudna turns to see what’s happening. Letters is laying out spell components—a feather, twine, a silver coin. She doesn’t recognize them. She wants to be conversational. She wants to ask, normally, what he is doing, and not because the presence unfamiliar magic makes her feel twitchy, like the time she’s missed is spinning out ahead of her, things changing in her absence, foreign and alone. She winds her fingers into Imogen’s, and just like that, Imogen squeezes back.

After a moment, she finds words. “What’s the feather for?” 

“Shared Dream,” Letters says proudly. “Lets someone come into a dreamscape with you.”

Her eyes move to Imogen. Imogen, Imogen. The dream—and Otohan—(a flashing sword, echo of a Imogen giving in for her, a liability, a nuisance)—Imogen looks brave and hopeful and scared. “Into the dream?” 

“We’ve been tryin’ it for a few days, while you were—gone. It hasn’t worked yet,” Imogen adds as Laudna’s heart falls, catching it. “But maybe tonight’s the night.” She forces a smile. Brave. Laudna wonders if there are updates her dream journal has missed. 

“I was wonderin’, actually,” Letters says. “Should I cast it like normal? Or now that Laudna’s back, do the two of you want me to try to send her in?”

She can go into the dream? She can be there for Imogen? She can escape her own nightmares, her own head? “I can—I can come,” Laudna says.

“Oh, honey, no, you don’t have to do that,” Imogen says immediately, and something inside Laudna caves in like wet sand. “I don’t need—all I need is for you to be here with me, okay?” Laudna’s expression must show something because she reaches out and touches Laudna’s face. Laudna is grateful. “I’m so glad you’re here with me.” 

“Me too,” Laudna says, and Imogen’s expression goes soft and intense and warm, and she wants to cling to it.

“All right then!” FCG says. “So I’m just gonna get it set up, then, with one end on me, okay?” Their magic sparks and then they hand Imogen the silver coin. She slips it into a pocket; the feather, twine knotted around it, goes back into FCG’s bag. Laudna watches it disappear inside the cloth, stays sitting as they roll away.

“Laud?” Imogen has laid down again, tucking herself back into the space between the two hugging roots. She’s got a blanket from the castle; it’s getting dirty. Laudna makes a mental note to clean it tomorrow. Prestidigitation. She can do things like this again. She can make things better. “Come to bed?”

“Of course,” Laudna says, and she lays back down amidst the brambles crawls under the corner of the blanket where Imogen has lifted it, crawls inside to where Imogen’s arms are waiting for her, and lets herself be folded within them. The tree holds her; Imogen holds her. Imogen kisses her hair softly and, surprisingly quickly, with a sense of safety and assurance that Laudna has rarely seen in her, her breathing falls into sleep, where Laudna cannot follow.

-

Laudna dreams.

The tree is cold. The tree is cold and she is cold and the barn is cold. She’s dressing for dinner and the clothes are paper against the wind and there’s a chill wind on the air as they bring fire towards her home, and she doesn’t finish making Pâté and she is alone and it’s cold, she’s freezing, and then she’s not alone for the whisper of a voice, Delilah, always Delilah, waking rope around her neck to Delilah, the whisper of—

Imogen.

Warmth. 

Her face, through the branches; her voice, a rush of dream-memory, telling Laudna to fight. I want to, Laudna tries to say, you’re here and I want to, tell me how to fight and I can keep trying, I don’t know how anymore, but there’s nothing that comes out and she tries and tries again and her tongue is gone in her mouth and the fire picks up around her, how is the fire cold, and Pâté must be burning and her bird, the drawing, to take her away, she has a pocket full of feathers to build the bird and they’re carrying away on the ice wind,

“We’re here now,” Imogen says, and her hand is against the glass against Laudna’s and her eyes are warmth, and Laudna touches the glass and she feels Imogen’s hand in hers, they’re at dinner and there’s a sandstorm at the windows and Imogen’s hand is in hers and it’s steady and it squeezes when the lobster is served and her breathing stops and she looks to the end of the table and it’s Delilah, and Laudna looks at the lobster and it’s a noose, and she looks to Imogen in a panic and Imogen is there. She holds her hand and she’s there. Just stay close? Laudna says, and Imogen nods and leans towards her as though to kiss her, but there’s a barrier there, and she leans away. Don’t go too far, Laudna says, and Imogen says, I think that’s up to you, darlin’, and Laudna’s hands are Delilah’s and her face reflected in the glass is Delilah’s and the glass is a bubble and the dining room is a tree and Imogen is on the ground.

Don’t go too far, Laudna tries to say again, and Imogen’s face is terrified and she is farther away from LaudnaDelilah’s face, good, that’s safer for her, she shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t, and Delilah’s voice speaks as Laudna’s mouth moves. Don’t go too far, don’t go too far, she says, don’t go—

and the tree closes around her

And Laudna wakes up.

(……anyway after that Laudna was going to beg her way into a dream with Imogen out of a need to feel useful, and in the dream she was going to be able to protect Imogen in some very Laudna way that I hadn’t quite worked out yet—something that gestured at just how false that “I haven’t been able to fight her for thirty years” was, that demonstrated all of the ways in which Laudna is and always has been so so strong. But then I started writing until the mosses take root in thunder instead and this one sort of fell by the wayside.)

[lolawassad]

Pilot

John murphy x griffin!fem!reader

Word count [2,603]

Thanks to the wiki for transcripts

Sorry for any spelling mistakes part 1/?

Gonna probably rewrite the whole show with y/n in it!

Y/n pov

I wake up to the sound of the door to my cell room opening and a soft "honey get up and please hold out your wrist" and a guard bashing something into the wall.

I wobbly get up and hold out my wrist, one of the two guards put a band around my wrist.

When shes done her and the other guard start guiding me towards a hall which causes me to slightly freak out but i stay quiet.

As im being walked out i hear someone yell "LET ME GO YOU ASSHOLE".

They put me into a dropship, im being sat down next to a little girl who looks super worried.

I turn my head to her and reach my hand out so she can grab it if she wants "its gonna be okay" i whisper softly to her after she takes my hand.

She squeezes and gives a small smile.

After a bit i hear the voice of chancellor Jaha

"Prisoners of The Ark, hear me now. You've been given a second chance, and as your Chancellor, it is my hope that you see this as not just a chance for you, but a chance for all of us, indeed for mankind itself. We have no idea what is waiting for you down there. If the odds of survival were better, we would've sent others. Frankly, we're sending you because your crimes have made you expendable"

I hear a loud "your dad is a dick Wells"

"Those crimes will be forgiven, your records wiped clean The drop site has been chosen carefully. Before the last war, Mount Weather was a military base built within a mountain. It was to be stocked with enough non-perishables to sustain three hundred people for up to two years." he continues.

"Spacewalk bandit strikes again"

"Whoo!"

"Go, Finn!"

We hear multiple people speak up, making the girl next to me and myself turn to see this Finn guy float around the ship.

"Check it out. Your dad floated me, after all" Finn says to Wells.

"You should strap in before the parachutes deploy" Wells tells Finn with a very annoyed look.

Two other boys also take of their safety belts and start floating around too.

Then i hear a voice i havent heard in a long time

"Hey, you two, stay put if you want to live" its Clarke my sister.

Jaha's voice continues again "Mount Weather is life. You must locate those supplies immediately"

But then Finn speaks up "Hey, you're the traitor who's been in solitary for a year."

Which makes Clarke retort with "You're the idiot who wasted a month of oxygen on an illegal spacewalk"

I roll my eyes before speaking to the girl again "im y/n by the way" i say with a smile "im Charlotte" she says back softly.

We hear softly in the background "Your one responsibility is stay alive" before everything started going wrong, next thing i know we are on the ground.

Everybody gets downstairs and Charlotte and me go down leaving only some people upstairs to see a guard who was already talking "it up, guys" then i hear clarke speak up again "Stop. The air could be toxic" she says making me shake my head and think "we would be dead anyways if the air is toxic"

And the guard as if reading my mind said "If the air is toxic, we're all dead, anyway"

Then i hear another familiar voice "Bellamy?" Which makes the guard turn around and smile with a "My God, look how big you are"

They hug and i aww mentally, the rest of the conversation i dont hear due to me blocking their voices out. Charlotte has already let go of my hand and is standing in the middle of the crowd.

My attention however is pulled back when the dropship doors open which makes me freeze.

Octavia walks out and takes a deep breath before throwing her arms up and yelling "We're back, bitches"

Alot of people cheer loudly and almost everyone runs outside, im still frozen, and argueing with myself on what to do. What if i go out and Clarke is mad im there? She never cared when i was locked up, what if she thinks im ruining this for her?

A hand touches my shoulder and i look up to see a guy with goggles on his forehead "nervous?" He asks with a bashful smile, i quickly nod my head "very" another guy puts his hand on my other shoulder he has a friendly smile on his face "well you can stick with us" he offers making me smile.

"Thanks" i softly say, they let go off my shoulder only to both throw a arm over my shoulders, which results in a mess for a minute before they figure it out.

I snort loudly before covering my nose, which only makes them laugh, after a bit we get out of the dropship, and onto our new home.

My new friends, who have introduced themselves as Jasper and Monty, and i have walked around for a bit, having switched from me in the middle to Jasper in the middle with his arms around our shoulders, we found Clarke and Wells.

"Ah, cool, a map. They got a bar in this town? I'll buy you a beer" Jasper jokes while leading us to Clarke.

"You mind?" Wells asks before pushing Jasper which makes him let go of me and Monty.

A voice speaks up from behind us "Hey, hey, hey, hands off of him. He's with us" its the same voice that yelled at the guards earlier!

I look at the guy and realise he is very attractive, he looks back at me and winks.

I quickly look away before Wells speaks up again "Relax. We're just trying to figure out where we are"

Bellamy walks up behind us and puts his hand on my right shoulder where it connects to my neck,  while standing behind me to my left "We're on the ground. That not good enough for you?" He demands.

"We need to find Mount Weather. You heard my father's message. That has to be our first priority" Wells says trying to make his voice have some authority.

Then i hear the voice again, Octavia,

"Screw your father. What, you think you're in charge here, you and your little Princess?" She says kind of angry before she notices me "y/n" she says and walks to me.

She looks at her brother and playfully swats his hand away from me.

She then quickly pulls me into a hug "its so good to see you again" she whispers into my hair "same to you Tavia" i whisper back.

What i dont notice is a shocked Clarke and a smiling Bellamy standing behind us, Clarke is shocked because she didnt even realise her sister was here, Bellamy was smiling because his sister finally had a friend. Ofcourse he knew about y/n and he knew who she was when he aproached her, he had put his hand on her shoulder so he could pull her away if Wells tried something to her this time.

Octavia stops hugging me as Clarke speaks up again

"Do you think we care who's in charge? We need to get to Mount Weather not because the Chancellor said so, but because the longer we wait, the hungrier we'll get and the harder this'll be. How long do you think we'll last without those supplies? We're looking at a twenty-mile trek, okay? So if we want to get there before dark, we need to leave now"

Bellamy is now standing between Clarke Octavia and y/n, acting as a overprotective barrier, before speaking to the 100, well the 98

"I got a better idea. You two go, find it for us. Let the privileged do the hard work for a change"

Alot of people start saying "YEAH"

Wells dumbly decides to speak up "You're not listening. We all need to go." He wouldve made a point if there wasnt an angry crowd of people who hate his dad.

Murphy smirks before also speaking "Look at this, everybody… The Chancellor of Earth"

After that comment i see something in the corner of my eye and turn to it, it was a falling leave.

I walk away from Octavia and go to the leave, i pick it up and then turn it around multiple times.

As im inspecting the leave a whole arguement breaks out with Murphy and Wells but i dont pay it any mind.

The only thing on my mind right now is this leave.

After a little bit someone aproaches me and sits down next to me "whatcha got there, sunshine" i jump slightly before looking away from the leave and at the older Blake "leave" i say while dumbly before realising he might think i just demanded he leave so i quickly hold it up. He chuckles softly at the panic in my face "its uh very red" he says kinda awkwardly but has a smile on his face "well seeing as you are O's bestfriend, and im her brother i think you and i should become friends" he tells me. Im still looking at him but my face now has a smile "yeah" i softly say "we should" i look away after a bit of eye contact and look at the leave again.

"Oh also your uh new friends and O left to go look for Mount Weather, i tried to stop Octavia from going but" "shes super stubborn" i finish for him which makes him laugh softly. We then sit in silence for a while, it was nice and peaceful. Then i found a small round rock and gasp loudly, making Bellamy look at me with panic in his eyes before realising nothing happened.

He scoffs lightly "way to give a guy a heart attack, sunshine"

I offer a awkward smile before saying "im gonna give this to Via she will love this"

His eyes shine with adoring before he gets up "im gonna go walk around for a bit okay, ill come see you later,  sunshine" he says before ruffling my hair and walking away.

When he walked away i get up and put the stone in the pocket of the skirt i have on, seeing as i got arrested the second i was born the guards took pity on me, both my parents are still alive and because of their jobs they had the choice to keep me or even put me up for adoption for gay parents who couldnt get a kid.

But Abby basically begged Jaha to put me in the skybox.

Because of that the guards have always been extra nice to me and because i was in solitary my whole life they let me sew stuff so i could atleast do something, everytime the offical clothe makers had left over fabric the guards got their hands on it to give it to me to do with it what i wanted.

Thats how i had a skirt as the only person from the 100.

Luckily for me alot of people gossip so people dont assume im like Clarke and Wells or that my different clothing means im privilaged, almost everyone on the ground knows about why i got locked up.

As i reach the dropship i hear two voices speaking "You know, my father, he begged for mercy in the airlock chamber when your father floated him" its the guy that winked at me and Wells.

The latter who just said "You spelled die wrong, geniuses"

Bellamy who i hadnt even notice walk up adresses the guy and his friends "If you're gonna kill someone, it's probably best not to announce it"

Mystery guy scoffs "You're not really a member of the guard, are you?" He doesnt ask he more demands to know.

Bellamy looks around for a bit and his eyes lock on mine for a second before he turns back to the guy and starts talking "No. The real guard will be here soon unless we stop it. You don't actually think they're gonna forgive your crimes. Even if they do, then what? Guys like us, we're gonna become model citizens now, get jobs, if we're lucky, maybe pick up their trash?"

Another person i dont know speaks up from the group "You got a point?"

Bellamy scoffs "no" he laughs a little and walks closer "i got a question. They locked you up, dumped you down here like lab rats to die. So why are you helping them?"

He asks, the other person looks confussed before scoffing a laugh "the hell we are"

I look at bellamy confused as to what it is he is trying to prove, its like he feels my eyes are on him and he walks up to me and softly grabs my arm right under the wristband holding it up "You're wearing these bracelets, aren't you? Right now, those things are telling them whether or not it's safe to follow us down"

The guy whose name i still dont know talks again, eyeing Bellamy's hand on my arm "Okay. You said we could stop it. How?"

Bellamy notices his glances and moves my arm back down but still holds onto me, not in a weird way but in a protective kind of way.

"Take them off. The Ark will think you're dead, that it's not safe to follow. You follow, Murphy?"

Making me look at him with a weird emotion inside me, i softly try to tug my arm out of his grip but his grip doesnt falter.

Then the guy who i now know is called murphy steps forward to us "Right, and if we do, I mean, what's in it for us?"

Bellamy just smiles and says "Someone has got to help me run things, and it cant be sunshine here"

I gasp offended before remembering there is a crowd and quickly turn my body so its hiding behind the taller and bigger man.

Me doing that results in Bellamy letting me go, he looks at me wondering if im gonna wonder off but i dont.

He ruffles my hair again with a fond smile on his face, before turning back again with a stern cold face.

Murphy takes off his wristband and starts taking other wristbands of from people who are willing.

Wells walks up after Bellamy asks "who is next" with a angry "what the hell are you doing?"

Bellamy turns to face him and opens his arms as if showing something off "We're liberating ourselves. What does it look like?" I sigh thinking this will just turn into an arguement so i walk to the dropship and sit in the door, looking at my wrist band, do i want to take it off?

Soon people are chanting "whatever the hell we want" and then there is a loud sound i jump slightly before putting my hand on my heart in an attempt to calm down.

It doesnt take long for there to be rain, i smile but keep sitting in the drop ship, not really looking to get wet.

I hear Wells talk again "we need to collect this" only for Bellamy to say a simple "whatever the hell you want" and with that hes approaching me and takes off his jacket. He slings it over my shoulders, ruffles my hair again and walks off to stand under a tree and watch the 100 dance and have fun in the rain, our people.

Taglist : @yo-whats-up23

[temporoom]

Thoughts about Vampires Unions, Biblical analogies and colors

WARNING//.         This post contains spoilers from the manga, if you are not up to date, or is an anime only, I would highly suggest you to to either avoid this post, or go read/finish the manga. Thank you for your understanding.

I’ve been thoroughly thinking about this since reading theories about The Case Study of Vanitas, and going through some wikipedias pages again just reminded me of how I needed to make an actual post about it. So let’s talk about it: vampire unions, biblical analogies, color themes and how they all tie to one character in particular.

Noé Archiviste.

(As a side note to this post, if I consider visuals are not necessary to my explanation, but you still need to see where the affirmation came from, I made linked to most of them, so don’t hesitate to click on words or sentences if you want to remember where it’s coming from)

If you have read my warning and/or the manga. You know a few intriguing things about Noé Archiviste: first of all, he is most likely the last one of his kind, as it was implied numerous times the Archivistes either suddenly disappeared... or were victim of a genocide; second and last, he is an orphan, his first adoptive family found him alone in the snow crying when he was too young to remember (we can assume between 0 to 3 years old). Those two things are something I want you to remember when reading this post.

We also know a few things about being “Archiviste”: all archivistes seemingly have dark skin and light hair, as this is how Chloé d’Apcher recognizes Noé as one, and they can read other’s memories by drinking their blood.

Finally, about Noé’s name. If you know, Noé is the french pronunciation of the biblical figure Noah, the sole survivor (with his family, and a couple of animals from each species) of God’s flood to wipe out humanity, and the constructor of the Ark. What is interesting about this name for this post is not actually so much the story of the flood and the Ark... But rather Noah himself.

You see, in the Book of Enoch, most precisely the Epistle, we get a description of what Noah looked like at birth and what it meant. (I had to transcript different texts for this quote, so forgive it for any inaccuracy)

“He was born as white as snow and as red as roses, his hair was white like snowflakes, curly and splendid. When he opened his eyes, the house lited up like rays of sun.”

It seems that after the child’s birth, his father, Lamech, strucked by the child’s beauty, wondered if he was truly his, and if his wife did not conceive it with an angelic being (I don’t know why the french wiki page makes it feel like he is accusing her of cheating, because in the source he seems more worried she was taken against her will, yes I read the source). He asks advices from his own father Methuselah and his grandfather Enoch, who reveal to him that during Enoch’s time, “Angel’s of God” “consorted with human women and begat sons who were overbearing and disdainful of every virtue”, (basically angels found human women hot and started making children with them but they were kind of awful, you can also find this in the Bible at 6-1 in the Genesis followed by God putting them in horny jail and reducing human’s lifespan) and so Noah’s “beauty” was due to that. 

What this tells is: Noah has most likely some angel’s blood in his veins.

So let’s not turn around the bush, and say directly what I mean by all of this:

I believe Noé is a half-blood. Precisely half-vampire of the blue moon, and half-vampire of the red moon.

Fact 1: The Vampires of the Blue Moon

Of course, this theory relies on its share of assumptions. The first on being that there is not one “Vampire of the Blue Moon” but multiple, and those vampires are actually what the Archivistes were. This idea came from the amount of people wondering if Luna, the Vanitas prior to the one we know (if you don’t know, I believe “Vanitas” to be more of a title passed down from individuals to another than an actual person) is actually an Archiviste... And we can ask ourselves that question, after all, they have the characteristics of an Archiviste as described by Chloé: dark skin and light hair. (In english she says “dark brown skin” but in french she just says “dark skin”, so I would still need the japanese version to confirm it.)

On a side note, both the english and french translation discreetly make it seem as if Chloé is hesitating, she says “may be an Archiviste” in english, and “est sûrement un Archiviste” in french, which usually sounds like an affirmation... but can also be taken as doubt. (Can someone tell me what she says in japanese please?)

I have another note for this assumption, this one being Vanitas’ reluctance to share his memories. Not just that, but also being ordered by Luna themself to not share them. My guess is that Vanitas’ title is actually passed down through an Archiviste only way: sharing memories. Hence why Vanitas claims he is trying to erase Luna’s existence: he is trying to make her memory disappear. And in that case, if Noé were to take a look at his memories, Vanitas would be in trouble since Noé would then become the next Vanitas, and so he would need, in order to erase Luna’s memory, to eliminate him (which would also explain why his hypnosis for when someone tries to take his memories is “kill them”)

The Vampires of the Blue moon being the Archivistes would also justify why the Archivistes disappeared but Noé survived: the story of “Vanitas” would then not be just a fairy tale, but also a way to hide the genocide the crimson vampires committed (I’m supposing it’s them, since the Chasseur do not have any interests in hiding it this way if it had been their doing). And Noé would then be the sole survivor because his “Archiviste” characteristics are toned down, and/or because he had a link to the crimson vampires, and so way to escape the massacre (do not forget he was left abandoned in the human world). (It wouldn’t be the first time MochiJun suddenly changes or perspective on who is the culprit or not... Actually she always do it in all of her stories, at this point it’s probably a given) As for why the Archivistes were wiped out... I’m thinking it has to do with the events Ruthven speaks of centuries ago. (Erasing memories is a common thing in history)

Fact 2: The existence of mixed marriages

As you may know, Dhampires are a thing. VnC isn’t the first fictional story to include Dhampires since they are known for centuries. As someone noted, “it’s interesting Noé learns that marriages between human and vampires exists”, most likely intended to be shippy, but it’s interesting nonetheless because we know one thing with this: mixed marriages are possible. What stops Noé from being from one then? Not between humans and vampires, but betwen two kinds of vampires?

Don’t forget what I also said about Noah, he is a descendant from a mixed marriage as well. I want to also note that depending on sources, the “angels of God” I mentioned can also be interpreted as being “fallen angels”... Exiled angels, just like how the Vampire of the Blue Moon was exiled. 

Fact 3: Noé’s color scheme

Noé’s eyes are purple. It’s no news. Like come on. It’s the perfect mix between the red from the crimson vampires and the blue from the vampire of the blue moon, it gotta be something other than purely symbolic! His entire character design is made to be contrasting with Vanitas... except his purple theme. There has to be something!

Conclusion: 

To summarize: Noé Archiviste could be a half-blood between Archivistes/Blue Moon Vampires and Crimson Vampires as well as the sole survivor of the Blue Moon vampires genocide committed by the Crimson Vampires in order to erase the memory of a bigger event. 

My proofs: Noé’s color scheme (purple), the existence of mixed marriages (dhampires), Chloé’s hesitant description of Archivistes which corresponds to both Noé and Luna, the idea of memories associated with Luna and Vanitas, Noah’s figure as a descendant of angels. 

My assumptions: MochiJun loves to inverts our view on who is the “antagonist”, All characters must be tied to the History of their universe (like how PH was).

Thank you for reading my ramblings, and I hope you enjoyed it! If you have any questions, or things you want to add, don’t hesitate and tell me! I love to hear what others think!

[kobakova]

Dragon Age and how it addresses oppression

ok so disclaimer this is not the rewrite of the Elven pantheon (the thing I keep promising I know I’m terrible) however it is an introduction to it and basically the reason why I feel the need to rewrite it in the first place! It’s a bit wordy, but I hope you take the time to read through it, as it took a lot of time and effort and I would super appreciate it! Today I stumbled upon a tik tok that was discussing how DA handles oppression and it motivated me to create a post about how I believe the way DA handles it is problematic at its core. I am not going to link the tik tok, as the creator has asked not to be put on blast, though I am including a word for word transcription of what the creator has said to avoid altering or skewing their message. I want to add that this is not an attack on the creator and what they said, more importantly it is an analysis of how other players perceive the oppression addressed within the game and how that proves that there is a serious problem with how DA handles it.

It is evident to me the message Dragon Age is trying to express is that oppression HAS to happen and that there is a reason to oppress. There are many examples within the game that prove this statement, though I want to focus mainly on how oppression impacts the mages and the Dalish, and how you as the main character can choose to perpetuate that oppression. To begin, here is the transcription of the tik tok below, which addresses oppression through the treatment of the mages.

“When it comes to mages, dragon age gives us a very clear picture that yes, these are people, they have hopes they have dreams they want to do better for themselves, they want to help others, we see this very clearly especially in DA2 where the whole plot revolves around mages rebelling. However, we also see very clearly in DA2 what can happen when a mage is left unchecked. Abominations, blood magic, the ability to force ones will onto somebody is a real threat with mages. Whether they succumbed to blood magic, whether they succumbed to the temptations of demons. These are unique challenges that face mages. And whether or not they should have freedom is true. And the game even gives us an amazing depiction of what could happen through Tevinter mages. What happens if mages are truly released, they have freedom. They might turn out like the Tevinters. Mages can become the ones solely on top oppressing other groups. A situation of the minority suppressing the majority. Whereas all the other lands of Thedas it’s the majority oppressing the minority. We have to grapple with these choices, whether not you kill a blood mage or you let them live. Or whether not you side with the mage rebellion or you side with the templars in DA2. It doesn’t pretend like it’s easy, and it doesn’t pretend to be something that it’s not. It doesn’t pretend to be real life. It gives unique challenges and unique decisions.”

My problem with DA is that you make choices through the role of an oppressor, which is very clear within Dragon Age: Inquisition as your rise to power then gives you the choice to oppress. The transcription above proves that a player has to make their decisions through the lens of an oppressor because you can determine the freedom or oppression of other people, in this case, the mages. Oppression cannot be a tool used for good because it is inherently bad, it only belittles others and is used to gain power. This could be a valuable lesson on how once power is gained so then is the ability to oppress, and how with the responsibility of power you should make choices based on what is best for the people who are oppressed. However, Bioware fails to follow through with this message for the sake of keeping their game morally grey. Instead, Bioware creates reasons and excuses for certain groups to be oppressed, thus making it okay for the player to make a decision that oppresses because either within their history something bad happened or there are certain people within the group that have done bad things. For example, all blood mages are considered evil due to some mages using blood magic in order to oppress and harm. However, we see in the game that not all blood mages are evil, and use blood magic to help. Despite this, all who use blood magic are deemed evil and if used, even if it means they are trying to escape an oppressive system, they will become Tranquil. When addressing Tevinter mages it’s evident that they have gained power, however they have chosen to oppress with this power. Being born with the ability to use magic is having the ability to gain power over another, but it is up to the individual to use that power to oppress or to use it to assist others. The ability to use magic itself is not an oppressive tool, because it has the ability to do good, it is the decisions of the individual that make it oppressive if the person decides to be an oppressor. If Bioware wasn’t so adamant about keeping the game morally grey, then they would’ve had an opportunity to create really interesting and important lessons on power and oppression that would better reflect our political landscape.

Now I want to move onto the Dalish, because I have a serious issue with how Bioware addresses the oppression they face and I believe it is important to mention. As stated above, Bioware chooses to ignore the dismantling of oppression, and instead creates reasons in order  to excuse the oppression of a group simply due to the fact that no group is perfect and they all have their issues. This is evident within the Trespasser DLC when discovering the true nature of the elven gods, which I will paste below:

!! Warning: spoilers ahead !!

“Following the initial events of the Exalted Council, the Inquisitor uncovers the reality that the Elven Gods were in fact phenomenally powerful mages who rose in prominence after the end of an unknown war. Solas implies that the Evanuris started out as generals during the war, then respected elders, and finally were revered as gods. They started out as heroes of the famed war eventually becoming corrupt tyrants in order to hoard and maintain their own power. The Evanuris institutionalized a system of slavery using Vallaslin as a brand, with only Fen'Harel (and more subtly, Mythal) challenging their tyranny. Most of the gods were arrogant in their ways, their power and attitudes more akin to the Tevinter Magisters. Eventually, the other Evanuris plotted against Mythal and killed her, prompting Fen'Harel to lead a rebellion against them and later creating the Veil to banish them into the Beyond,”

(https://dragonage.fandom.com/wiki/Elven_pantheon).

From what I’ve seen, little is known about the Elven Pantheon before Dragon Age: Inquisition and the discovery that the elven gods are actually powerful mages is only represented within the Trespasser DLC. Though I have learned later that this was always the plan for the Elven Pantheon, which was to expose the gods for being tyrants who enslaved their own kind. It is clear that Bioware took inspiration from Native tribes to then create the Dalish elves (even within the name, since there is the Salish Kootenai tribe and Bioware literally just switched the first letter) and this is why I have a major issue with how they chose to handle the oppression that the Dalish are impacted by. Throughout the Dragon Age games, we see the torment that the Dalish suffer through from name calling to the complete erasure of the elven race; Bioware even goes as far as to take significant historical events like the Trail of Tears and write them into the elven history. This is why the Trespasser DLC angers me, because after all you learn about the Dalish and what is done to oppress them, it almost seems brushed off after it is exposed that the elven gods were similar to Tevinter mages. This type of message has real world implications, and can impact how people perceive Native people. Within my own experience as a Native person, I’ve had people argue to me that the oppression Native people face has reason because we have also owned slaves which is COMPLETELY untrue. I was shocked to see this exact reason be integrated into the Trespasser DLC, and it worries me because some players will see that and find it perfectly rational to think that because of the Dalish’s history it is then okay that they were oppressed. Throughout history, America and other countries that have oppressed Native and Indigeous people have created excuses and reasons to oppress them (from excuses like we are s*vages that need to be educated, to reasons like the Manifest Destiny). Therefore, it is incredibly harmful that Bioware would use the same type of reasoning not only for the Dalish but for the mages and the Qunari as well. Finding a reason to oppress a group does not create progressive change, it only divides us and keeps the oppressed groups oppressed and keeps the oppressors in power. Bioware needs to change how they approach oppression, and instead actually teach players the tools needed in order to dismantle oppression. 

I hope to be able to change how the Dalish are perceived, and show through my rewrite of the elven pantheon and also rewrites of missions involving the Dalish how to dismantle oppression through the choices and involvement of the inquisitor. I thank you all for taking the time to read and if there are any questions please don’t be afraid to ask!

[kbsd]

not sure if you’ve answered this before, but what’s your process look like when you make an amv? i’m just curious and in constant awe of ppl who can make videos like you do :)

hello all!!! i have answered this before and i have a vid help tag with other asks i’ve gotten about stuff like this! but i’ve gotten several more messages along these lines so i’m just going to answer a bunch of them together (under a cut since i love to ramble about editing lol). i do just wanna say i’m definitely not the authority on video editing and obv everyone has their own techniques!

edit: i just finished typing all this up and it’s SO long so sorry in advance LMAO god bless anyone who reads this entire thing

so i work in news tv and we have a very specific workflow for writing scripts, sourcing video, producing, and editing. i’ve just applied that to making amvs! for every video i make, i copy the song lyrics into a google doc and adjust them to match the song i’ve cut (i often will trim songs for time and/or content purposes). then i start planning! i’ll mark down what clip i want to use for each lyric next to that line, and any sound bites i want to use (with episode numbers!). i’ll color code between video and sound bites and lyrics, so my scripts end up looking something like this (for my honeybee amv):

doing the planning ahead of time makes everything much easier when it’s a video that spans the whole show or involves a lot of sourcing, like honeybee or sports analogies. that way when i get to the actual editing process, i already know what i’m going to do and have a game plan. for videos like happy ending or believe it or not, where i’m mainly just pulling from a few episodes, i can just plan it in my head as opposed to writing it all down, and produce as i edit. obviously i do make in-the-moment decisions while editing—sometimes a shot doesn’t work the way i thought it would, or i go where the video takes me—but planning ahead definitely helps. i know some people use spreadsheets as well, with columns for lyrics, video clips, and sound bites if applicable. once you find a system that works, it actually goes pretty quickly.

as for sourcing clips themselves/finding clips within episodes, i talked about that here and kind of here. the short version is that transcripts are a must, and the supernatural wiki is hugely helpful by cataloguing all the hugs, prayers, phone calls, etc. in the show. gifmakers that tag episode numbers on their posts are your friends. it gets easier the more video you make—that’s another huge reason i make the google docs for each video (even the ones i plan in my head, i end up going back and making a loose script with episode notes just for reference). if i can’t remember where something is but i know i used it in another video, i can easily reference past scripts!

i also cut all my videos in the same project in premiere pro, so i can flip between them easily. instead of checking a past script, i can just go to the video sequence itself and copy the clip i’m looking for! this was especially helpful when i match cut together the 5x18 and 4x22 wall slam shots for my bestie video, and then stole it from myself for honeybee hahaha. at any given time i have at least 8 sequences open:

because of the sheer volume of videos i make, it’s worth it for me to download the entire show—i have all 327 episodes in HD, plus deleted scenes. if you think you’re only going to make a few videos, i’d start with scene packs. you can usually just google “destiel [or whatever ship/character you’re looking for] scene packs” and there will be any number of ones you can download. if you need other specific scenes, you can always download/torrent individual episodes or screen record netflix (that’s what i did before i got HD download links). i’m happy to share my links if you DM, but be warned it’s a lot of disk space (about 500GB on my hard drive). someone also compiled every destiel scene, downloadable here.

having every episode already loaded in premiere for all my projects also makes it a lot easier to source clips. once i use a clip in a video, i’ll put a marker on the episode file, so that after a while i have most of the important scenes/lines marked to easily find them. to give you an idea, this is my episode file in premiere for 12x10 lily sunder has some regrets (markers at destiel scenes, the car fight, hot girl cas, etc.). markers are the green tabs along the bottom:

premiere also lets you color code and name markers, so ONE DAY i will go back and color code them all. the ones above are all the same color, but in a perfect world, i’d have a myraid—for destiel shots like hugs, touches, looks; for important pieces of dialogue; for action shots; etc. but for now this works ok for me, so that’s a project for another time!

between detailed scripts, one giant premiere project, markers, the wiki, and my own memory, i have so many points of reference that i can usually find any clip i need in about 2 minutes max. sound bites are often harder to start out, or tiny specific shots i haven’t used before, and that’s when i turn to tumblr gifsets or beloved mutuals to crowdsource. but if you’re as obsessive about marking/keeping neat scripts as i am, it gets easier and easier with every video you make. that’s part of why i’m able to cut videos together so quickly. (also i want to stress i do this for a living and have to produce/edit a new piece for my show every day so i’m used to it. and compared to constantly updating content/sources and news that changes every day, 327 highly documented episodes that never change are much easier to handle hahaha)

this is all great for me since i make so many videos and plan to continue doing so, but if you’re only making a few, this level of work isn’t worth it imo. really it’s all about developing a system that works for you. whatever you do with episodes/sourcing, though, i cannot recommend planning things out in a script ahead of time enough. 

everything i just mentioned is producing, though. for the editing process, i usually do it in this order:

music first. any parts i want to cut, i make sure it all sounds smooth

then soundbites. i usually try to weave them into the lyrics—i have characters talk in breaks between lines or instrumental sections as much as possible. i’ll sometimes go so far as looped/extending an intsrumental part to make room for the soundbite i want there lol. if i do have dialogue over a line, i do the sound mixing/levels at this point as well to make sure everything is audible/one doesn’t overpower the other. (also i always include the video that goes with these bites when i drop them in, and decide later if i want to show the character speaking or have other clips cover the dialogue)

once i have all the audio locked in, then i bring in all my other video clips. sometimes i edit completely chronologically, sometimes jumping from section to section—it depends on the song or how i’m feeling

double check sound mixing. i usually listen to my videos through a few times, with headphones and without to make sure it’ll sound good no matter how people watch it

once i have picture and audio lock, i go through and color correct my clips. i’m basic and just use lumetri color in premiere, and usually just play with brightness, saturation, temperature, and tint until i like it

render and export! :)

i always have several audio tracks, but i try to keep my video tracks condensed. i’ll drop clips on a V2 level, and edit a section there, and drop the whole chunk down to V1 so i know it’s finished. that way when i leave and come back i can know where i left off/what’s done/etc. to give you an idea, this is the timeline for my what the hell video:

i always render as H.264 with high bitrate, and make sure to check “render at maximum depth” and “use maximum render quality” for the best quality. i’m sorry, but i don’t know what the equivalent options are in final cut, imovie, kdenlive, etc. i post on youtube mostly so i don’t have to sacrifice quality, but usually just using a lower bitrate will get you under the tumblr file size limit and it’ll still look good.

as for the anon who asked about “polishing”: first of all, thank you!! second of all, it’s in the details. all of this is a matter of taste and my own insanity, but here are some little things i always try to do:

after i color correct, i blur out any credits from the starts of episodes. i use gaussian blur for this, but really any blur tool works

as much as possible, i avoid clips where we see a character’s mouth move but don’t hear the words. in tv/film we call it “lip flap” and i just think it looks messy. also i’m trained to avoid it at all costs at work hahaha. it’s more for serious videos that this matters a lot to me (e.g. i think i did a really good job eliminating lip flap in my happy ending amv)—for comedy videos i don’t sweat it as much

i put audio fades on the start and end of every single audio clip i use, even if i don’t think i need it, to make sure everything sounds smooth

i use markers for timing, especially in action-y videos like what the hell. i’ll put a marker on the clip i’m using at the exact moment a punch lands, and in the song on the beat. if i have the magnet/snap in timeline tool on i can just easily snap them together instead of having to spend time finagling it

this is such a small thing but i dip/cut to black for a tiny bit at the start and end of every video. this way if i post with tumblr video player, there’s black between the loops, and it gives you a beat before the video restarts. i do this even on videos i post on youtube, just because i think it looks nicer/more professional

this is 1,500 words so i’m going to stop myself before i pull something. if you have follow-up questions feel free to ask and i’ll continue to add them to the vid help tag, but any more questions about sourcing clips or my process in general i’ll just link this post going forward. anyone who made it this far, i am sending to a telepathic kiss. thank you for reading and happy editing!

[witch-hazels-musings]

Hello! Saw some people talking lore in your asks and figured I'd offer some more info 😅

Also, hi! Long-time lurker on your blog, reading your work really makes my day and I re-read it whenever I feel down so...thank you for your service 💖💖💖

The Tsaritsa actually has nothing to do with the Abyss Order/Abyss; in the Pale Flame artifact set, it's made apparent that not only is she fighting Celestia (though her true motivations and goals are actually unknown at present), she intends to "cleanse the corruption of the Abyss". Childe also mentions that the Fatui and Abyss Order are enemies, but off the top of my head I can't remember if it's in his story quest, Story, or Voicelines.

As a side note, it's also officially confirmed that either twin is canon MC, because the story is the exact same regardless of the twin you choose!

As for Khaenri'ah and Dainsleif, it's also actually not confirmed that the Seven were the ones to destroy it, partly because of that flashback sequence in the We Will Be Reunited trailer that came out months ago, but also because Dainsleif has consistently referred to the Archons as "the Seven" yet states Khaenri'ah was destroyed by "the gods". The general consensus is that Dainsleif blames Celestia (and the gods up there) for it, but the Archons do know something they're not telling us. The Sustainer of Heavenly Principles (aka Unknown God) is also generally theorized to be one of those Celestial gods. Archons are ranked the lowest of the Celestial hierarchy, functioning something like appointed Overseers that govern Teyvat on behalf of Celestia.

There's...really a lot of lore to talk about 😅 The wiki is really good for looking up direct transcripts, but personally I find they tend not to signpost what are actually stated and what are inferred conclusions, so piecing together the lore is really half the fun.

Sorry for the wall of text 😅 Hope you found it useful 🥺

all of these theories and ideas about what is connected, what we know, how we can infer what may come to be are allllll things that people spend years and years on --- that’s one reason why writing for characters without full backstories can be tricky, because their motives, values, goals can be clouded by something -- like i started in March and had NO idea about Khaenri’ah -- and now, this informaiton had changed a lot about so many small character choices (like from Kaeya and Dain) ... 

this is why I won’t write for characters until I have enough information to get an idea as to what they would do / act -- it needs to be genuine (as much as it can - at least in my mind) 

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 8: Rinkah’s Burning Loins

My Castle

After fully dedicating ourselves to Hoshido, the game finally really begins. We’re given access to a customizable castle in the Astral Plane where our army waits between battles. We can talk to our units, giving them minor stat boosts or new weapons. Right off the bat, we have a farm and spring to give us resources, rooms for Corrin and Lilith, and a Hall of Records.

In Lilith’s spring, we can feed her to make her level up. Different foods affect her stats in different ways. Note that, although Lilith now has stats, she isn’t usable in battle. Other players can invade our Castle through spotpass, which I’ll discuss in a later entry, and Lilith is only usable in those battles.

Lilith

Lilith is a weird squirrel dragon thing that floats around clutching a random ball. She used to be our stable girl and is now our pet. I think she has a crush on Corrin. Her design is unique and cute, I like it. Gameplay wise, she can only use a modified Physic staff. I don’t dislike her personality, but she feels like a throwaway character added at the last minute. She raises a ton of questions that I doubt will ever be answered.

In the Hall of Records, we can see descriptions of all the units we’ll ever recruit, rewatch cutscenes, read unreadable poems, and play around with a relationship tester. The relationship tester is randomized, by the way, which kinda makes it pointless. That said, it told me that Corrin expects betrayal from Rinkah, while Rinkah’s loins are set afire by Corrin. This is now canon, I have decided.

In Corrin’s room, we can change their hairstyle and invite an ally over to chill. I chose Kaze. He complimented Corrin’s piano skills, which she apparently has, then stared at us, blushing, while thanking us for saving him from Garon.

So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. In the Japanese version you get to rub units while in close up mode. Like Pokemon Amie except...with people. This was removed in the English version. A lot of Fire Emblem fans were pissed, crying about censorship because Nintendo of America had the gall to remove the minigame where you rub Camila’s tiddies while she moans. And I’m going to say a hot take right now: they made the right call. That stuff was weird and indulgent. It was the living embodiment of the fanservice focussed design that plagues modern Fire Emblem games. Good riddance.

Inviting allies to Corrin’s cool sex treehouse boosts our support levels. I suppose it's time I mentioned that. In Fire Emblem games, units form bonds from fighting next to each other, unlocking short conversations that flesh them out as characters. Units also fight together better when they have high supports. Now, here’s the fun thing about supports:

There are more than 600 supports in this game. Not support conversations, support lines, each of which is made up of three or four conversations. And, because God has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished, I’m going to read all of them.

Admittedly, I’m not going to unlock all of them. S-Rank conversations result in marriages and each unit only gets one. It’d take a few dozen playthroughs to get all of Corrin’s S-Rank conversations and I don’t hate myself that much, so I’m reading the transcripts from the wiki. I think I’m going to do four supports per Entry; that’ll leave me with a few extra by the time we reach the end, but I’ll just do a support grab bag entry or something.

Before we do supports, let’s finish up improving the castle. I built a weapon shop and a statue of Corrin that boosts her max speed. We are limited on the number of buildings we can build, but that isn’t a big deal yet because the only other option was to build a stave shop.

Support: Corrin/Rinkah

C: Corrin attempts to discuss battle tactics with Rinkah, but Rinkah blows her off and tells her to stop trying to be friends. Rinkah does acknowledge that Corrin’s authority and that Corrin saved her life, but tells the princess leave her alone.

B: Corrin pesters Rinkah until she explains why she’s so aloof. Rinkah explains that, the Flame Tribe keeps a great flame burning in the center of the village to honor the God of Fire. In the past, outsiders have extinguished the fire. One such instance was followed by a volcanic eruption that decimated the tribe. As a rule, the people of the Flame Tribe are wary of outsiders. Rinkah also explains that she’s working for Hoshido because her father commanded her to, much to her chagrin.

A: Rinkah explains that she would have preferred to die an honorable warrior’s death than be captured and resents Corrin for sparing her. Corrin says that she’s glad Rinkah is still alive, because it means Rinkah and her can be friends. Corrin also says that, despite the chaos of war, she believes in fate and its ability to bring people together. Corrin encourages Rinkah to use this opportunity to learn more about the outside world and bring that knowledge home with her. Rinkah begrudgingly agrees.

This is how the conversation will end on my playthrough, but if Corrin has a penis, you can get an S-Rank proposal conversation. I’ll be listing all of these off along with the normal conversations.

S: Rinkah comes to Corrin, blushing, and tells him that he has been a constant reminder of her shame and regret over being captured. But, over time, these feelings were replaced with love. Love that she hated, because Corrin is an outsider. Corrin says that he’s loved Rinkah since the day they met and only told her to be friendly to other people as an excuse to spend time with her. Rinkah states that, from now on, she will remember her capture as the happiest day of her life and the two get married.

Review: I really like this support line. It expands Rinkah’s backstory and culture, ties it into Corrin’s own isolation and belief in fate, and deals with the tumultuous meeting they had in Chapter 2. The confession comes out of nowhere, admittedly, but I do like Rinkah grappling with her mixed feelings of hate and love. Solid support.

Support: Corrin/Jakob

C: Corrin comes to Jakob to ask for a favor. Jakob interrupts her by humorously listing off the things he would do for Corrin. Things like slay dragons for her, which is actually kinda offensive now that I think about it. Corrin begs Jakob to allow her to be independent and Jakob refuses. Corrin explains that she’s his boss and he tells her that servitude is his reason for living. Jakob explains that, when he started working for Corrin, he was incompetent, and her kindness towards him made him indebted to her. The two compromise on the agreement that Jakob will teach Corrin how to make tea. After Corrin leaves, Jakob mumbles to himself that things might get apocalyptic.

B: Corrin repeatedly tries and fails to make a decent cup of tea. Both of them get some funny lines in, with Corrin telling Jakob that she can’t hear him because she’s ignoring him and Jakob saying that, saying that they’ll run out of leaves before Corrin makes decent tea. They meaning the nation in this case. Corrin eventually makes a passable cup, after Jakob secretly adds in sugar.

A: Jakob admits to Corrin that he messed with her tea and she laughs it off, admitting that she knew all along. She apologizes for being stubborn and accepts that she still needs Jakob’s help sometimes. Jakob says that he falls apart without Corrin. Corrin says that the two of them are alike in that way and Jakob literally faints from joy.

S: Jakob is acting more distant than normal. When Corrin asks him about this, he admits that he’s fallen for her and resigns from his duties as butler, because it is improper for him to have feelings for his mistress. Corrin begs him to say because she needs him and admits that she loves him too. The two of them get embarrassed and Corrin fires Jakob, giving him the new job of husband.

Review: This was a hilarious support that really made me appreciate Jakob’s snarky yet loyal personality. He is the perfect butler. The conflict of Corrin wanting to be independent and Jakob wanting to take care of her is a good dynamic that made me appreciate the relationship between these two characters. I do like them more as a platonic couple than a romantic one, but Jakob quitting his job because falling in love with Corrin is improper is a nice character moment.

Support: Corrin/Kaze

C: A villager gives Kaze a bunch of radishes because he’s super hot. And I mean, he is. Kaze apparently doesn’t realize that he’s hot until Corrin explains it to him. Kaze mentions that he dislikes the attention because he isn’t a good person before running off.

B: Corrin asks Kaze to follow her around so she can figure out what’s bothering him. Kaze says no, so Corrin annoys him until he agrees to hang out with him. Then he runs away again.

A: Kaze admits to Corrin that it was his fault that Garon kidnapped her, because when he was a child, he noticed the Nohrian soldiers that killed Sumeragi were in the city but said nothing about it. I don’t know how that makes Corrin’s kidnapping his fault, you’d expect there to be soldiers guarding a king. And the fact that Kaze was there means that there were also Hoshido soldiers, which means there was no reason to be suspicious of the Nohrians. Also, Kaze was a teenager at the oldest, so he should probably get some leeway. Whatever. Kaze apologizes to Corrin and Corrin, in turn, apologizes for making him live with guilt for fifteen years. Corrin also points out that Kaze led her home, meaning that they’re even now. Kaze compares Corrin to Mikoto because of her kindness and pledges to serve Corrin as her loyal retainer.

S: Corrin and Kaze joke around about Corrin’s kidnapping. It’s cute. Corrin mentions that, now that she’s spent so much time offscreen with Kaze, she likes him even more. Kaze blurts out that he loves Corrin, despite being her bodyguard, and the two propose.

Review: I found this chain a bit lacking, to be honest. The first two conversations were filler and the origin for Kaze’s guilt complex is kinda dumb. Kaze’s relationship with Corrin defines him as a character. He is so guilt ridden over her kidnapping that he would betray his country and his family to protect her. Later parts of the game hinge on this relationship. But, three of their four conversations are dull. I do like Kaze’s guilt complex as a concept, and think becoming Corrin’s retainer alongside Jakob and/or Felicia and a way to repent, but it isn’t enough to save this support line.

Support: Kaze/Rinkah

C: Kaze gets a bunch of candy for being hot and shares it with Rinkah, who secretly loves candy.

B: Kaze continues to give Rinkah candy.

A: Kaze continues to give Rinkah candy.

S: Kaze reveals that he’s been giving Rinkah candy because he’s in love with her.

Review: This one was a big let down. The fact that Kaze and Rinkah are introduced together made me think it would be about their capture, but no. It’s just Kaze giving Rinkah candy for four conversations straight. And it’s cute fluff, but it’s nothing more than that. There is something interesting below the surface with Rinkah hiding her love of candy to protect her image, but it’s never really explored.

So, off to a mixed start with the support conversations.

Birthright Chapter 7: A Vow Upheld

Team Corrin heads to a Hoshidan fort where Sakura is tending to wounded soldiers. We are introduced to Sakura’s retainers, Subaki and Hana. Suddenly, the fort is attacked by Nohrian forces. Corrin and Azura point out the ridiculousness of them attacking immediately after they arrived. Sakura freaks out because the fort is being used as a hospital and has no military value. So apparently Nohr is now being evil just to be evil.

Subaki and Hana agree to help Corrin defend the fort and argue over who’s more important to Sakura, much to her annoyance. Subaki and Hana give me a good opportunity to discuss a few interesting things about classes in this game. First off, unlike in most Fire Emblem games, classes are NOT gender-specific, as demonstrated by Subaki being the first male Pegasus Knight in the series. Secondly, the classic Fire Emblem classes were divided between the two nations. Nohr got Mercenaries, Hoshido got Myrmidons. Nohr got Wyvern Riders, Hoshido got Pegasus Knights. Etc. I really like this, it gives the two countries different feels in combat both aesthetically and mechanically. Finally, a lot of Hoshidan classes were renamed to be more Eastern, shown by Hana being a Samurai instead of a Myrmidon, or by Sakura being a Shrine Maiden instead of a Cleric.

Subaki

Subaki is a Sky Knight, this game’s equivalent of a Pegasus Knight. He can fly over terrain and has good speed and resistance, but is decimated by arrows. His personal skill buffs his hit and avoid when he has full health. Design wise, I like how ridiculously smug he looks. Personality wise, he seems over-competitive yet fiercely loyal to Sakura.

Hana

Hana is a Samurai with high speed and skill. Her personal skill damaged nearby enemies when she scores a kill. Her design is fine, if a little bland. Personality wise, she seems over-competitive yet fiercely loyal to Sakura.

Starting with this chapter, we have a prep menu, where we can choose which units to use and rearrange them on the map. We can bring our whole team in with us, so it’s a little pointless, but it's nice. Worth noting that you can have units start in pair up via this menu, unlike in Awakening where you had to pair them up after the battle started.

At the start of the battle, the chapter’s boss, a Cavalier named Silas, shouts out to Corrin that he’s her childhood best friend. She does not remember him even slightly. Okie dokie.

This map is decent. It’s a bit short, but it features a lot of good bottlenecks. The Dragon Veins can be used to open heal tiles, which is a bit pointless because you have two healers. When Silas and Corrin fight, he reiterates that they used to be friends. Corrin says that she can’t remember her past. And that confuses me, because I was under the impression that she got amnesia when she was taken to Nohr, which would have been before she met Silas. Unless he’s lying.

After the battle, Corrin refuses to kill Silas. She interrogates him about why he was so hesitant to attack them and he explains that, when they were children, he helped Corrin sneak out of the walls to have a picnic. The guards tried to execute Silas for this, but Corrin stopped them, because apparently guards listen to small children. Because of this, Silas feels he owes a debt to Corrin.

Question. Why was this random child allowed to play with the super secret hostage princess? Whatever.

Corrin eventually recovers a vague memory of Silas and asks him to join the gang. She explains that Garon is crazy and evil and that’s enough to make him swap sides. Silas is now officially the most sane character in the game. I mean, he should have probably realized this stuff before being sent to destroy a hospital for shits and giggles, but still.

Also, Silas mentions that Corrin’s favorite food is surf and turf. Perhaps this symbolizes how Corrin is stuck between both kingdoms? Or maybe it’s a random throwaway line. You be the judge!

At the end of the chapter, Saizo and a new character named Orochi show up, wounded, and report that Takumi and Ryoma have gone missing. Uh oh.

Team Corrin decide to help search for the missing princes. Sakura decides to come along, despite Corrin and Kaze’s objections. Silas also decides to come along and Saizo points out that he totally could be a spy or traitor. He’s a dick, but he is infinitely smarter than Kaze.

[eirikrjs]

Satan, Seth, Queen Maya, and Maia

So, lately I’ve been looking at the many entries of Persona World’s demon encyclopedia, checking them out of curiosity and translating some of them for the Megami Tensei wiki since they’re the closest thing P1/2 have for a compendium (this is, incidentally, is how I came across the Maya/Maia thing).

I was skimming the entries looking for something to translate, when I came across Satan’s entry and saw Seth being mentioned. So then I decided to translate it and got this:

Satan

His name means “opposer” in Hebrew. Satan is the enemy of the Gods, the leader of the fallen angels who defy the heavens.

He’s normally equated with Lucifer, with the heavenly form referred as Lucifer, and the form after falling from grace as Satan. Satan is also equated with the snake that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden as well as with the dragon who was driven from Heaven by Michael. As Satan is heavily associated with snakes, it serves as evidence to the theory that Satan is derived from the evil Egyptian god Seth. According to it, Satan’s name comes from “セト・アン,” which means “Seth’s dog.” Seth also could transform into a serpent and opposed the chief gods of the Egyptian pantheon, creating another parallel with Satan.

(I left it as セト・アン because I couldn’t find a way to romanize it).

Naturally, my next step was to look up whatever セト・アン is, so I googled it and got a hit from the Pixiv dictionary. Lo and behold, right at the top of the page we’ve got this:

North-American feminist writer Barbara Walker argues that Satan’s name comes from the Egyptian god Seth, having evolved from “Seth’s dog (セト・アン).” As a result some pieces of media equate Satan and Seth, or make them somehow closely related. (It should be noted that she is not a religion/language researcher, and has many unique interpretations for legends and myths).

Oh, would you look at that, it’s the author of “The Women’s Encyclopedia or Myths and Secrets”, aka, the same book responsible for Scáthach-Skadi and Babylonian Arsiel! Now, I looked up a transcript of the book and couldn’t find on the book about those exact words. It does say that Satan=Set(h) but I didn’t find anything about dogs related to it. There is a lot of stuff on dogs in the book, so it’s possible I missed it (assuming it isn’t in another of her books, as the Pixiv dictionary doesn’t mention the book’s name or the year it was released).

But hey, I may not have found the exact source of セト・アン, but look at this:

Buddha

[…] Buddha had many other names because he had already lived through many incarnations on earth. Even the Buddha supposed to have appeared in the 5th century B.C. had several names: Gautama, Sakyamuni, Siddhartha the last, again, not a name but a title, “Rich in Yogic Power.” Buddha was miraculously begotten by the Lord of Hosts and born of the Virgin Maya, the same Great Goddess workshipped throughout Asia and having the alternative Near-Eastern names of Maia, Marah, Mari, or Maria.

Hermes

[…] Hermes was a universal Indo-European god. An Enlightened One born of the virgin Maia, he was the same as the Enlightened One (Buddha) born of the same virgin Maya in India. The Mahanirvanatantra said Buddha was the same as Mercury (Hermes), the son of the Moon (Maya).

Maia “Grandmother of Magic,” mother of the Greeks’ Enlightened One,  Hermes; the western version of Maya, “Magic,” mother of the Hindus'  Enlightened One, Buddha. She personified the powers of transformation and material “appearances,” the same powers attributed to Maya-Kali, who made the universe by her magic. Greek writers called Maia one of the Pleiades, but also understood that she was the Great Goddess of Maytime festivals, of the renewal and rebirth of the dead. She made her son Hermes the Conductor of Souls in the underworld, just as the Hindu Maya made her masculine counterpart Ya-Ma into a Conductor of Souls and Lord of Death.

Maya “Magic,” title of the Virgin Kali as the creatress of earthly appearances, i.e., all things made of matter and perceptible to the senses. She also gave birth to the Enlightened One, Buddha. The same Goddess, called Maia by the Greeks, was the virgin mother of Hermes the Enlightened One, who had as many reincarnations as the Buddha. […] She was more than the Maia who mothered Hermes; she was also Maga the Grandmother-goddess who bore Cu Chulainn’s mother; and the Mandaean Christians’ Almaya, called “Eternity,” or ‘the World,“ or "Beings”; and Maga or Maj the May-maiden in Scandinavia.

Assuming that Walker really was the one who came up with Seth-Satan, then it’s very likely that Atlus has been using her as a source as far back as SMT2.

_________________________________________________________

Wow... what a scoop! Thanks for putting that work in.

I’m not sure I have anything to add! Except that I found a txt of the book and not only is Set’s entry incredibly brief and irrelevant, Satan’s also doesn’t doesn’t have anything about Set-an, instead comparing him to the Egyptian serpent Sata, which I feel was brought up not that long ago. I don’t think there were positive things to say about a connection. Satan’s entry starts on page 893.

So a セト・アン search continues. Between this book and Angels: An Endangered Species, Atlus really had rotten luck choosing source material.

[one-leaf-grimoire]

Spoilers for Black Clover: Phantom Knights

JUST SAYIN’, no need to incorporate this into the story because I have no idea if the game is treated as canon. Either way honestly I just wanted a chance to talk about the game’s story because nobody else ever seems to talk about it?? And learning a bit about Julius is great?? This will probably be a pretty ass review of events, but here we go!

basically as of at least ten years before current events, Julius had a Vice Captain named Jien Du. I’m not too sure on his actual magic because he uses relics (BIG relic nerd) a lot? Wiki says transcription magic allows him to copy others spells to his staff, but not sure if that’s a more modern thing or if his staff was always a go-to back in the day. People hated on him because he was a peasant Vice-Captain, of the Grey Deer especially. ANYWHO, ten years ago before the events of the game (game is before elf invasion? Idk Julius is an adult and Asta is around during the game’s events) Jien Du was actually executed because he was conspiring with the Diamond Kingdom over something about a relic and reforming the Clover Kingdom. BASICALLY like Julius he was v v passionate about fixing the social and economic disparity within the kingdom, but wanted progress ASAP even if it meant war, also and uh oops I mean the king doesn’t like the idea of him being taken out and conspiring over forbidden relics and the Diamond a kingdom is a no-no, so yes he gets executed. HOWEVER, Julius my angel omg we don’t know how exactly, but he got him out of the execution?? I don’t know, he was executed and somehow Julius bibbity bobbity booped him back to life or helped fake his death. In the ten years between his execution and the game, Julius lets him chill deep in some forest and hits him up for relic info and magic nerd times every now and again. Julius went for a long ass time following the incident without a Vice-Captain because of the incident. :( very sad Capt. Julius, I mean who is he gonna wear matching outfits with now (fact) :(

Fast forwarding to the actual game’s plot (ten years after the incident and now back in reg BC times), Julius asks the black bulls to investigate a dungeon, they find a relic, Julius sends asta+co. to Jien YAMI NEVER WOULDA LET THEM GO IF HE KNEW THE RELIC GUY WAS JIEN HE WOULDA DIMENSION SLASHED A BITCH (Yami and probably William? were in the Grey Deer during the incident). Anywho, after some story hijinks and stuff Jien comes back to society and is literally FUCKING UP THE KINGDOM and trying to kill anyone in his way because he’s still after the mega huge anti-monarchy thing. He just controls a bunch of people (Clover citizens) using some rainbow butterfly phantom Relic and masks man it’s some crazy shit.

that last bit ok I just wanted to share that because fuck Julius is gonna be heartbroken. I’m going off-topic here, but Julius is gonna blame himself for letting that bitch live and for being betrayed by someone so close to him. This man cares too much about the kingdom ok he’s going to DESTROY himself :(( I’m sorry julius just needs a hug ok. the game’s story has only gotten up to Jien’s attack on the kingdom, so nothing on Julius and Jien having a confrontation yet.

Ok that’s my info-vomit, have fun. Regardless of whether or not you use anything because it’s your fic and we all bend canon 24/7, I hope it was still cool to read up on some shit and stuff.

being Julius’s Vice-Captain after a Vice-Captain dry spell though 🤔

--------------------------

OH MY GOD THIS IS INTENSE LOL. I never knew Phantom Knights had this type of story... this is so interesting, I’m definitely going to keep some of this in mind. I was planning on this new fic being set actually before Julius becomes captain, but there’s still some stuff to work with here... thank you!!!

[flightfoot]

The Poly Love Interests: Luka and Kagami in “Hold Me By Both Hands”.

Setting up Luka’s and Kagami’s relationships with Adrien and Marinette is a particularly tricky task; unlike with most of the other major characters in Hold Me By Both Hands, they were introduced in season 2, which means that they first appeared well AFTER @angelofthequeers diverged the story from canon. Because of this, there’s no scaffolding already in-place for them when the story begins. For Alya and Nino, for instance, it’s possible to just take their pre-existing relationship in canon (since they got together in season 1) and all the relationships they already had with other characters, and just drop them into the story. Same with Adrien, Marinette, and Chloe. All of them have firmly established backgrounds and relationships with the other characters before the fic starts.

The one exception to that is Lila, since TECHNICALLY the fic diverges at the start of Volpina, rather than actually at the start of season 2. However, Lila’s role doesn’t require as much relationship building – she’s an antagonist, and not a very well-developed one in canon. She just kinda has to do antagonistic things and have some sort of goal, and that’s sufficient. Plus, she’s fairly easy to slip into the story without crowding it. As an antagonist, she provides conflict for the protagonists to overcome, spurring the plot and character development. She just has a fundamentally different role from most of the other characters, one that has a very low threshold for needing character establishment and development, while also providing her ample screentime in order to develop her, without crowding other characters out.

Kagami and Luka are different. As Love Interests (and ones that move onto full-on relationships at that) they have a far higher threshold for character establishment and development. They need to not just be useful plot devices, as antagonists can be, used to spur on other characters and the plot, but be major characters in their own rights. Furthermore, with the romance angle (and with Miraculous Ladybug already revolving around the relationships of its two leads), in order to put them anywhere remotely close to equal footing with the Love Square in relationship development, they need a LOT of screentime and development – a difficult task, especially when taking into account how many OTHER subplots are going on in the fic already, and just the sheer length of it.

As it was, Angel kinda ended up taking shortcuts with developing Kagami and Luka and establishing their initial relationships with the other characters, so that they could get to establishing the poly relationship between the four of them, which DID get a lot of development. Understandable (I’m a fic writer too, I’ve definitely glazed over parts of the story I’m not as interested in to get to the parts that I really want to write) but it did hurt the establishment of the poly relationship some.

Kagami was first introduced during (or rather after, since Angel skipped to the aftermath rather than showing the episode itself) Riposte, which appears to have gone roughly like it did in canon. Nothing too notable there.

Shortly afterwards – I’m guessing a few days, maybe weeks later, it’s within the same chapter so it can’t have been TOO long – Kagami and Adrien sneak away from their assigned lesson with their fencing teacher (since he’s sick and forgot to cancel).

This is Kagami’s first on-screen appearance in the fic that serves to establish her personality and relationship with Adrien.

One of the first things that Angel hints at, in the first page she’s on-screen, is how isolated Kagami normally is – even more than Adrien in some ways.

“Because he’d get in trouble every time I snuck away if he didn’t,” Adrien says. “And…I think he knows this is the only freedom I get. He’s always been on my side.”

“Oh,” Kagami says softly. “That must be nice.”

Adrien frowns at her. “You don’t have a bodyguard? What about your driver?”

“We don’t have a driver. Our car is self-driving and responds to Mother’s voice, since she can’t drive herself.”

“Huh.” Adrien takes a moment to thank the heavens for Gorilla. God knows what he’d do if he was stuck with a self-driving car that wouldn’t be programmed with a shred of compassion. “Come on! While he’s not looking!” (Chapter 21)

This was a good way to quickly establish that Kagami’s isolated in somewhat similar ways to how ADRIEN’S isolated. There’s not much detail here – not a whole lot of info on her relationship with her mother or whether she’s had friends before, for instance – but most people reading the fic aren’t flying completely blind, and DO already know that Kagami’s really isolated, and at least canonically, does not currently have any other friends, and likely never did (though Angel does make it so that Kagami has had friends before; but that comes up way later).

But just having Kagami say softly how nice it must be to have a bodyguard – an adult – on his side, who allows him some freedom – it conveys that she’s in a similar situation, but WITHOUT that little bit of support and human contact, as small as it is.

It also emphasizes Adrien’s situation a bit, with the emphasis on the “shred of compassion” – because Gorilla’s the only adult regularly in his life (besides Fu in this fic, I guess, though even he’s not too present on that front) to SHOW him compassion – his father certainly doesn’t, not without some sort of ulterior motive, and Nathalie… Nathalie’s iffy. Gorilla will actually stick his neck out for Adrien. Nathalie, not so much.

Kagami lets out a giggle as Adrien grabs her hand and bolts down the street, weaving between the bustling Parisians who are thankfully so wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t notice who he is. Wow. Is that the first time Kagami’s laughed? It’s so…weird being able to empathise with someone, to actually know what it’s like to be in their situation rather than just sympathising from afar. And she’s so…radiant when she laughs like that, just like when Marinette laughs. (Chapter 21)

That whole exchange up above gave Adrien a nice ‘hook’ with which to relate to Kagami, to deepen their bond more than a typical friendship, to give their relationship a special sort of dynamic, even so soon after having met. It’s not enough to really develop it on its own, but shows how it might develop later.

Adrien also has an initial, fairly superficial attraction to Kagami here – which makes sense, he seemed to have some in Riposte as well. The boy has a type.

I say it’s superficial because well, he doesn’t know her well at all yet, so it’s nothing deep right now – but it could grow to be deeper later.

Though the bit about how radiant her laughter is makes me wonder – because by this point Chat’s realized that he loves Marinette and he thinks about her in the same sort of terms as he’s thinking about Kagami now, but- how long did it take for him to consciously realize that?

Is he just better attuned to recognizing his own romantic feelings towards others now, so he can better recognize that he’s feeling similarly towards Kagami, and he just gets crushes super quickly? …Okay knowing canon that actually seems likely. Took the boy like, fifteen minutes to confess his love for Marinette in Oblivio after all.

It’s definitely still just a mild crush at this stage though – he empathizes with Kagami and likes what he’s seen of her, but there’s been no big ‘Wham’ moment like with Ladybug or even Marinette, and there hasn’t been time for his feelings to slowly grow as he sees more of her and gets to know her.

Adrien has at least been very perceptive when it comes to Kagami’s family situation, with being able to recognize how similar Kagami’s earlier sentiment in Riposte was to his own feelings regarding his father, a finding that he quickly shares with Kagami, though without explicitly mentioning his father.

“Interesting? This is just a normal day!” Adrien says. “At least you’ve only got the crushing weight of parental expectations without getting mobbed on the streets!”

“That’s…true. Is it that obvious that my mother’s like that?”

“Considering your speech to me before you were akumatised? Kinda, yeah.” (Chapter 21)

It appears that the episode REALLY went pretty much identically to in canon. I looked up the transcript for the episode on the ML wiki, and I believe that this is the line Angel is referencing;

Adrien: (Momentarily stunned by her appearance.) Let's do a... decisive match? (As he speaks, he notices Kagami's ring.) Kagami: What's the point? You won. There's no such thing as a second chance in my family. Goodbye. (She gets into her car, which drives off.)

This is very much a familiar feeling to Adrien, a familiar sentiment which makes it easy to see why he took Kagami’s line earlier in the chapter about his bodyguard the way he did, correctly identifying that she doesn’t really have a compassionate adult looking out for her and giving her any slack, further deepening his identification with her.

My first time reading this exchange between Adrien and Kagami, with Adrien referencing the speech Kagami made in Riposte, I hadn’t actually remembered that line though, as it’d been awhile since I’d watched that episode. I remembered the general sentiment, but not the actual wording, so while I still had the idea of what Angel was going for, it didn’t land quite as well. I didn’t feel like pausing reading the chapter and looking up the transcript at the time I was first reading it, especially since I understood the gist of the exchange well enough. That being said, it would probably have been helpful to have that line repeated in some way within the fic itself, both because people like myself may not have remembered exactly the exchange Adrien’s talking about, and because Angel’s fic rewrites season 2 and 3 episodes anyway. There was no guarantee that Riposte went exactly as it did in canon, word-for-word, and the only reason the reader knows that it DID occur that exactly, is that Adrien’s reference here to Kagami’s speech before she was akumatized makes no sense otherwise. The reader is obviously supposed to know what he’s talking about, and the only way we could know that is if it was the same as canon.

 Adrien’s fans spot him and chase after him and Kagami, prompting Luka to interfere.

“It’s him! It’s Adrien!” The speaker is one of the people down at the edge of the Seine, who’s looking right at Adrien and Kagami as he speaks. Adrien’s about to start planning a slow, painful demise for this arse, but the guy looks up over his shoulder and adds, “He just doubled back!” (Chapter 21)

Side note: still find it hilarious that Adrien’s first impression of Luka is that he’s an arse, even if it’s immediately proven wrong.

“Thank you,” Kagami says to the boy when Adrien says nothing.

“Y-Yeah. Thanks,” Adrien adds shakily. “I know I should be used to it, but it’s still terrifying.”

The boy snickers behind his hand. Adrien idly notes that his nails are painted deep black and his dark hair is dip-dyed teal and that Gabriel would have an aneurysm if Adrien ever painted his nails and dyed his hair like that. He’s the antithesis of everything that Gabriel holds dear. Dear lord, this boy is just perfect. (Chapter 21)

 Luka made one HELL of a first impression, and with Adrien’s background especially, it makes sense why he reacted the way he did. Adrien seems to romantically attracted to people standing up for others, especially against some larger, more intimidating opponent – I suspect because they’re modeling the sort of behavior that Adrien WISHES he could do with his father. Combine that with Luka looking like the sort of person Gabriel would hate, and well – it’s no wonder that Adrien gets a huge crush on Luka immediately, far more quickly and obviously than he does with Kagami. Funnily enough, the way he crushes on Luka here is reminiscent of the way he started crushing on Ladybug, while his crush on Kagami is more similar to his crush on Marinette – before she saved him from that akuma anyway and he fully, consciously realized he was head-over-heels for her.

Also, Luka’s pretty.

And then Luka plays a heart song for Adrien, and he falls for him even more.

The boy snorts. His teal eyes, alight with amusement, draw Adrien in like a magnet, scrambling his brain and leaving his mind momentarily blank. “That’s okay. You’re just socially awkward.” He strums a note on his guitar, something both off and yet perfect, something that punches Adrien in the chest and leaves him momentarily fumbling for breath.

“H-How did you do that?” Adrien finally forces out when he’s able to speak. The boy smiles.

“I can hear people’s heart songs,” he says. “Yours sounds delightfully perfect but if you stop to listen to it, there are little flaws.” The boy strums a few more notes that are both the same and yet so different to what he’d played before, in a way that Adrien can’t even begin to articulate. “Small imperfections. Ones that you wouldn’t see on the surface.” (Chapter 21)

Considering how often Adrien’s placed on a pedestal, seen as “perfect”, but not as a person? This is really important. Even Marinette’s fallen into that trap before.

But Luka can see it right away… and also because his sister’s Juleka and she talks about Adrien sometimes, so that helps. Luka’s observant, not psychic.

Being seen for who he is, as a person, with imperfections and flaws? Being told that it’s okay to mess up a little, it’s fine? That he’s just socially awkward, but not making it out like Adrien is bad or has done something wrong or disappointing? That’s just so DIFFERENT from the sort of thing Adrien would experience with his father, driving further home that Luka’s the antithesis of Gabriel – and causing Adrien’s heart to flutter even harder.

And Luka considers Adrien to be a friend immediately, something that Adrien just adores.

“Thanks again for saving our butts,” Adrien says to Luka.

“My pleasure. Any friend of Juleka’s is a friend of mine.”

Warmth pools in Adrien’s gut. “Friends? Really?”

“Of course, if you want,” Luka smiles. “And I promise I’ll never ask you to have my babies.” (Chapter 21)

Adrien LOVES his friends, he cares for them a lot, and he treasures any new addition. To have someone just come up and say “of course I’ll be your friend, I already consider you a friend, if you’re down for that?” He hasn’t had that kind of experience since Nino befriended him. Combine that with Luka saving his butt and really seeming to see him, even just the first time he’s met Adrien in-person? Not too surprising that Luka ends up being his bi awakening.

“Glad to see that you’re so responsible about it,” Luka says as he punches his number into Adrien’s phone. Adrien does the same with Luka’s phone and although he’s tempted to add Kagami’s number too, there’s no point in risking the wrath of Tomoe Tsurugi; it had been enough of a battle to get himself added to Kagami’s phone, and Tomoe wholeheartedly approves of him. “Your future wife will be lucky to have you.”

“Or husband,” Adrien blurts out. Why did he say that? It’s not like he’s ever really shown an interest in boys before, and he’s in love with Marinette…but the way Luka isn’t even fazed by that and instead just smiles is making Adrien question a lot of things about himself right now. (Chapter 21)

 Something else to note here; while Kagami technically meets Luka here as well, she has very little actual interaction with him during this sequence. The only interactions she has with Luka directly are when she thanks Luka for saving her and Adrien:

“Thank you,” Kagami says to the boy when Adrien says nothing. (Chapter 21)

Which Luka doesn’t actually respond to directly, instead responding to Adrien’s “thanks”.

And here, where Kagami introduces herself:

“I’m not surprised,” Luka says. “She’s pretty quiet until you push a guitar into her hands. And you are?”

Kagami immediately straightens and bows slightly. “Kagami Tsurugi,” she says, shaking his hand. “I’m a friend of Adrien’s, though I don’t attend Françoise Dupont.” (Chapter 21)

Kagami and Luka technically met here, but there’s no development in their relationship – they were just introduced so they each know the other exists. The whole conversation that unfolds, with Adrien as the focal point, makes sense and is realistic, but while it provides a good foundation for Adrien and Luka becoming friends – and later something more – it doesn’t provide that same foundation for Lukagami. Which helps explain why Angel doesn’t actually GO the Lukagami route, despite it seeming like an obvious path, with the later poly relationship.

 Next chapter and Adrien’s made plans to meet up with Luka.

“I’m sorry, Adrien. I know how much you were looking forward to it.”

“Yeah, well…I’d better go practice. Maybe if I’m up to his standards, he’ll let me come near the end. Better than nothing, right? And I was really looking forward to seeing Luka.”

“Luka? Who?”

“Juleka’s brother.” (Chapter 21)

Just generally nice to see that Adrien’s kept in contact with Luka, and has been trying to foster their friendship. Interesting departure from canon as well, where Marinette met Luka before Adrien did.

Speaking of which, Marinette goes down below to get Luka, since everyone’s waiting on him. It goes pretty similarly to how it did in canon.

She jumps again when she realises that he’s opened his eyes and is staring straight at her with a smile. His eyes are the same shade of blue as his mother’s, also matching the teal tips of his black hair, and he’s wearing ripped black jeans and a short-sleeved blue jacket over a white Jagged Stone shirt.

Holy crap. He’s gorgeous.

“Hey!” Marinette blurts out. “My name’s Mama – Ma-Ma-Marinette!” Oh god, she’s stammering again. Why is this her life? She takes a deep breath to compose herself and pushes on. “Your mum sent me down here. The groove – ah, the group’s waiting for you.” (Chapter 21)

She immediately finds him physically attractive, which – fair, like I said before, he’s definitely pretty. Nothing deep, it’s just an immediate “Crap, he’s cute” reaction.

The whole scene is copied from Captain Hardrock exactly, until this exchange, after the scene in canon had ended:

“Did I really –? Oh no! At least Adrien wasn’t here to see that. He’d never let me live it down, the dork.”

“Adrien?” Luka tilts his head. “You know him?”

“Yeah, he’s one of my best friends. You’re the guy who saved him from being mobbed, right?”

Luka nods. “He wasn’t ready for a child just yet.”

“Uh…what?”

“An inside joke. One of his fans was screaming for him to have her babies.”

Marinette shudders. “Ick. I can’t believe I used to be like that.”

“That’s not the impression I get.” Luka plays a few oxymoronic notes, somehow both chaotic and gentle. “You have a passionate heart. You just struggle with your chaotic brain. You’re not the kind of person to behave like that.”

“Seriously, how do you do that?” Marinette complains as blood rushes to pool in her cheeks and stomach.

“Just like I told Adrien, I can hear people’s heart songs,” Luka says. Whoa. Seriously? That’s…how is that possible? “And just like I told Adrien, I talk to Juleka. You’re a funny girl, Marinette.” (Chapter 22)

The little joke that Luka threw in there was funny, without seeming out-of-character, since he’d tried a joke with Marinette just before this – but accidentally made fun of her stutter and made her feel bad, which he didn’t intend.

I’m glad he talked to Juleka about Marinette, because otherwise it would seem that he was either psychic, or just making blind assertions without having a clue what he was talking about, regarding what Marinette was like around Adrien.

Marinette’s immediate attraction to Luka here seems pretty superficial in contrast to Adrien’s attraction to him – the bulk of it seems to have come from his physical attractiveness and him playing some really nice music on the guitar, from his looks and skills, rather than him as a person at this point. This is mostly an indictment of canon’s treatment of Lukanette rather than Angel’s handling of it however, since half of the scene is lifted directly from Captain Hardrock. Angel’s expansion of the scene at least adds a little more dialogue, a little more chance for Marinette to get to know him as a person, than canon did. It just seems like a fairly shallow attraction in contrast to how Angel handled Adrien’s attraction to Luka.

Lukanette fans probably wouldn’t mind much, since this was enough to get them to ship it in-show, but it doesn’t really give non-Lukanette fans much reason to start shipping it.

A few chapters later, and Marinette’s struggling with the realization that she’s in love with both Chat Noir AND Luka.

The problem is Luka Couffaine. Specifically, how Marinette’s insides flutter and tingle whenever she’s around him. Which totally isn’t fair. Aren’t you supposed to be in love with one person and be with them and only them?

To be fair, Marinette isn’t actually with Chat Noir. And yeah, there’s plenty of infidelity in the world, when someone decides that another person is hot and yes please, I’ll have some of that.

But that’s the problem here. It’s not just that Luka’s attractive. It’s that smile of his that’s so soft, like he’s reading your very soul when he looks at you. It’s how he looks so at peace when he’s sitting there, strumming on his guitar before Kitty Section’s rehearsals (that Marinette has definitely attended only because she’s friends with Rose and Juleka and Ivan, thank you very much). It’s how he never has a harsh word about Juleka, even when he’s doing his brotherly duty and teasing her, and how she immediately looks to him every time she’s starting to stress, such as when her guitar string had snapped and one of Ivan’s drumsticks had fallen overboard. (Chapter 25)

Problem is, this still doesn’t sound like an attraction that’s based on a lot of substance. It still largely seems to be based on Luka looking pretty and being talented at playing the guitar. Him being kind to Juleka is nice, and an actual sign of who he is as a person, but it’s still not a lot – and none of this is based with actual interactions with him, just observing him.

It feels a lot like Marinette’s attraction to Adrien earlier in fact – but without Marinette becoming as obsessive, and without knowing Luka as well as she knew Adrien, even back then. So to see her calling it “love” and equating it with her feelings for Chat Noir, which grew out of friendship and lots of time spent being with each other, interacting with each other – it feels out of place. Especially since it’s repeatedly been hammered home how Marinette’s initial attraction to Adrien slipped into being more superficial at times, and occasionally thought of him as more of a pedestal or an object. That’s part of why she’s refusing to acknowledge that she’s still in love with him after all – she wants to make sure she sees him as a friend and person first.

But with Marinette being attracted to Luka’s looks, his talents, and then what little she’s observed of his interactions with Juleka (which doesn’t seem to have been all that much at this point, she just hasn’t had much time to get to know him)? Without getting to know him as a person through interaction more, but mostly through some light observation? It feels like Adrien Crush 2.0, but more superficial. There doesn’t seem to have been much basis for a close friendship so far, much less actual love.

 Adrien and Kagami arrive on the Couffaine’s houseboat soon afterwards, causing Marinette and Kagami to meet again for the first time since Riposte.

An awkward silence falls on the boat as everyone sneaks looks at Kagami, who just stares right back evenly. It’s understandable, since she’s a newcomer and none of them know her, but in Marinette’s case, it also just might have something to do with how she’d panicked and ruled in Adrien’s favour back at fencing tryouts. Does Kagami hate her for it? Or had Adrien talked to her about it?

“Um – hi!” Marinette decides that she might as well take the first step. “I’m Marinette!”

“Adrien’s friend, right?” Kagami says coolly. Marinette’s cheeks flush, although she can’t decide whether it’s because Kagami most definitely dislikes her or because the way this cute girl is narrowing her eyes at Marinette is doing something to Marinette’s insides. Something that she most definitely doesn’t want to think about right now. (Chapter 25)

 Much as with Luka, Marinette’s attraction here is quick and superficial at the moment. She hasn’t recognized it as attraction just yet however, especially since she’s ALREADY caught up in freaking out about loving Chat Noir and Luka at the same time.

Being the only other person on the houseboat who doesn’t play an instrument, Kagami seems to naturally gravitate towards where Marinette is sitting cross-legged near the cockpit, safely away from the side of the boat, sketchbook once again open. As Kagami sits next to her, Marinette offers her a small smile and Kagami hesitantly smiles back. Then Marinette’s eyes are inevitably drawn to Luka, who’s just strummed a sweet chord, and he catches her gaze and winks at her, and she’s forced to stare down at her notebook so that she doesn’t spontaneously combust on the spot.

No. No. This can’t be happening. Marinette has a crush on Chat Noir. That’s clear as day. So, why must her insides flutter and tingle at the way Luka smiles and winks, charming and mellow with no effort or annoying flair at all?

To be fair, Marinette isn’t actually with Chat Noir. And yeah, there’s plenty of infidelity in the world, when someone decides that another person is hot and yes please, I’ll have some of that.  But Marinette can’t love two people at once. That’s rubbish, and it’s needlessly complicated, and Chat Noir was here first, so he’s her first choice, especially since she’d only met Luka the other day. (Chapter 25)

Again, attention is drawn to how she’s attracted to Luka’s “smiles and winks”, and along with the reference with infidelity, with deciding another person is hot – another more superficial quality - and that they want to have some of that, it just doesn’t seem like Marinette’s crush on Luka is based on really knowing him as a person.

Kagami and Marinette have a conversation, where Marinette talks about her difficulties with her crushes on Luka and Chat Noir, and her confusion about what to do about them. I don’t want to recount the whole conversation since it’s fairly long, but… they’re really able to sit down and talk about what love is, along with Kagami introducing Marinette to the concept of polyamory.

It feels like Kagami and Marinette are talking as people and friends first, rather than as potential love interests, getting to know what the other person’s like and their perspective on the world, in a way that wasn’t there for Lukanette. Kagami gave some of her (exclusive to this fic) background, for instance.

“Your astonishment is cute,” Kagami laughs. “It’s called polyamory. A girl I had a crush on back in Japan told me that she was polyamorous. She said that so long as you’re completely open with your partners, there’s no reason why multiple relationships can’t work.”

“A girl? You’re gay?”

“I rarely develop romantic feelings but when I do, their gender doesn’t matter. And I’m asexual. But my mother doesn’t know, because I’m not sure whether her reaction would be positive or negative. And it will stay that way.”

“Of course!” Marinette hastens to say. “I wouldn’t dream of telling her. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. But, uh…asexual? I don’t know anything.”

“Of course not, if you haven’t had any reason to suspect that you’re not straight,” Kagami says. “I’ve only known for a year or so, after I realised that I liked Rin, but I didn’t want to do anything physical with her. The thought of it…didn’t repulse me, but it didn’t excite or interest me either. I wasn’t drawn to her in that way at all. That’s when I realised that I was asexual, and I’m not attracted to anyone in that way.” (Chapter 25)

Even just this snippet is a lot deeper than Marinette’s attraction to Luka. It gives a lot more depth to Kagami, letting her tell her on story, making her feel like a character with agency and her own thoughts and feelings. Luka… doesn’t really have that. He mostly seems to exist for other characters, without having much in the way of desires or history of his own. It fits with his portrayal in canon thus far – he’s woefully underdeveloped – but leaves him feeling like more of a receptacle for the other characters thoughts and feelings, than an actual person.

With Adrien, Luka seems to have more agency and act more like a character in his own right, but not so much when it comes to Marinette.

 Speaking of Adrien, he has his OWN dilemma to struggle through.

Just like Marinette, Luka Couffaine’s creative soul shines brighter than the sun. Just like Marinette, Luka makes Adrien’s insides tingle and burn with as little as a smile. And yet, with as many similarities as he shares with Marinette, Luka is also nothing like her. Where Marinette is a hurricane, forceful and mesmerising and drawing people into her tempest of passion, Luka is a tsunami, appearing perfectly serene and soft on the surface with that stormy soul underneath, until it’s too late to realise that you’re about to be swallowed. And Adrien hadn’t realised until now, until there was no chance of escape. Not only this, but after their adventure that had resulted in meeting Luka, Kagami’s also starting to creep up on him like a thunderstorm, visible and foreboding on the horizon but not quite close enough to warrant action. At least, not until it’s too late to act, just like Luka’s tsunami but almost deadlier since she’s not yet registering in his brain as anything more than one of his closest friends underneath all the carefully deliberate suppression. (Chapter 25)

Adrien waxes lyrical more, which honestly I am DOWN for. Boy’s a hopeless romantic. It’s more cryptic than Marinette’s realization of feelings earlier, but since his feelings and perspective on Luka and Kagami have been developed more, that’s fine. He can be a little more oblique about his feelings.

The comparison to Marinette is interesting, though I don’t totally agree with it. It took ages for Adrien to realize he liked Marinette, while he realized his feelings for Ladybug, for instance, right away. If anything his feelings for Luka are like his feelings for Ladybug were, while his feelings for Kagami are like his feelings for Marinette, with how she’s slowly creeping up in his heart. I can see why he compared his immediate, massive attraction to his feelings towards Marinette though, since he DOES have that level of massive romantic attraction towards her NOW, even if it wasn’t so apparent initially.

Oh, and as if Adrien needs MORE reason to crush on Luka, when they talk about how Gabriel’s trying to keep Adrien away from his friends, he makes THIS declaration:

“I appreciate the offer,” Adrien says. “But elbow-dropping my father will probably make him lock me up again.”

“Then we’ll find Ladybug and Chat Noir and stage a grand rescue,” Luka says. If it wasn’t for the fact that Luka’s vow had pretty much set Adrien’s insides on fire, Adrien might have been more concerned about the fact that Chat Noir can’t really stage a grand rescue of himself. (Chapter 25)

Adrien just LOVES someone caring about him that much, standing up for him, defying his father, and making grand gestures in general. Adrien being this deeply attracted to Luka is no surprise.

Several chapters pass without Luka or Kagami making an appearance. Next time one of them shows up, Ladybug’s giving Kagami a Miraculous.

They have a long, in-depth conversation, which again I don’t want to repeat all of, because well, it’s long. But there’s some good give-and-take and here, with both of them airing their insecurities and giving support to each other.

“You’re autistic?” Ladybug gasps. “So am I!”

“What?” Kagami’s head whips around to stare at Ladybug. “You – but you’re –”

“An awkward mess outside the mask,” Ladybug says and squeezes Kagami’s arm. “I mix my words up all the time. I melt down and flip out whenever I’m really stressed or losing control of the situation. I have to plan out what I’m going to say before I talk to people about important stuff, otherwise I turn into a blabbering mess. I have to bounce or fidget or do anything to stim because I can’t sit still. I’m clumsy. I’m obsessed with fas – uh, my special interests. I can never seem to be where I should be because I just can’t manage myself, even before I became Ladybug.”

 “Oh.” Kagami tilts her head and ever so slowly reaches out to pat Ladybug on the shoulder stiffly. “You get it. I have to script my conversations as well. And…well, I don’t have meltdowns and I’m very organised, but…mostly because Mother would be extremely disappointed in me.” (Chapter 34)

 It’s a nice reversal of their earlier conversation, with Marinette (or rather Ladybug) providing support and advice mostly, instead of Kagami doing so – but still having it be a conversation with a lot of give-and-take. But this is a subject that MARINETTE’S more confident and knowledgeable about, while KAGAMI’S insecure about it, which is a reversal from their positions when talking about polyamory earlier. It’s just a really good conversation in general! It still feels a little rushed with how deeply Kagami is supposed to be ingrained into their friend group when she’s only had a handful of appearances on-screen, but the few times she HAS appeared, she’s made an impression on Marinette at least, so it doesn’t feel nearly as rushed as it could have.

I have a continuity nitpick here though; back in chapter 25, Kagami talked about Rin, a girl she had a crush on, and what she told her about polyamory. But in this chapter, she talks about how she’s never had friends before.

“It’s just…” Kagami sighs and looks away. “I’ve never had friends before. I don’t know what’s appropriate and when it’s appropriate. If I make a wrong move, how do I know I won’t lose them? Unlike fencing, I don’t get to come back for a rematch. And unlike fencing…I don’t know how to navigate this.” (Chapter 34)

Did she not consider Rin a friend? She talks about Rin some more later, and it looks like she DOES consider Rin a friend, even though she didn’t get to spend as much time with her as she’d like.

My bigger issue with this chapter is that Ladybug never gives Kagami the “test” that she gives Alya and Chloe, with saying that she has to give the Miraculous back. She knows Alya better than she knows Kagami; if she’s going to conduct that test on Alya to check that she’s willing to give it back, then it seems unfair not to do the same with Kagami, like she either feels like she knows and trusts Alya a lot less than she knows or trusts Kagami, or that her crush on Kagami (which she hasn’t full acknowledged yet) is blinding her, which… okay, granted, that is kinda a thing with Marinette. It’s not acknowledged by the narrative that way though, as far as I can recall, so it comes off as an oversight.

A few chapters later, and Marinette starts realizing that she has feelings for BOTH Kagami and Luka, and confesses she has feelings for other people to Adrien – who thankfully understands, since he’s been feeling the same way.

“I’ve, uh…got the same problem. I’ve got a major crush on Luka. And, um…Kagami. And it’s getting to me, because I’m pretty sure I’m polyamorous and Tikki says that it’s perfectly normal and it doesn’t mean I like you any less, but I’ve been freaking out because what if you don’t approve, especially of Luka and Kagami, and I don’t want to break up with you or make you choose or anything, but I also don’t want you to think I’ll go and cheat and –”

“Marinette!” Adrien wraps his arms around her from behind and squeezes. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you like Luka and Kagami.”

“Is that a problem? I mean, I chose you first, so I’ll always –”

“Mari.” Adrien presses a kiss to the back of her head, and Marinette shivers and melts against him. “No. It’s not a problem. It’s just hilarious because, well…Luka was the other person I liked when I brought it up on our date. And I think I’ve been falling for Kagami too, for a while now.” (Chapter 39)

 They both have known this for awhile, that they’ve liked more people – they just haven’t admitted it. Not surprised that Adrien was more transparent about who he liked here – he’s always worn his feelings on his sleeve, he isn’t known for being cagey about them.

They talk a bit about it, and decide that while they’re good with the general IDEA of being in a polyamorous relationship with Luka and Kagami, Adrien isn’t ready quite yet – especially since he’d have to stand up to Gabriel to do that.

Luka and Chat actually end up talking next chapter, with Chat seeking advice about polyamory… and it turns out that not only is Luka cool with the idea, he likes Chat and Marinette too… and he knows Chat is Adrien, and that he’s down with dating both of them if Adrien and Marinette would like that.

Also this happened:

Luka digs his nails into Chat Noir’s hand, then takes his hand away entirely and gracefully climbs to his feet. Chat Noir can’t help but flush when Luka holds out a hand to help him up, like he’s a damsel or something, but where other boys less secure in their masculinity might have felt degraded, it just makes him feel so loved and cared for. (Chapter 40)

So sue me, I was SOFT for this. This is why I actually sorta ship Lukadrien, despite not being a major fan of Luka personally; dammit I like someone being soft and gentle with Adrien. It’s why I like Ladrien, actually. Because seriously, the boy needs to be loved and cared for.

Marinette ends up confessing to Kagami later about wanting a polyamorous relationship, which Kagami is ALSO down for… so long as Marinette’s talked things out with the other people she wants to be involved with the relationship first, that is.

The four of them eventually talk things out some more, hashing out boundaries with their relationship. There’s this part here that nagged at me though;

“I’ve made my feelings clear as well,” Luka says. “I’d love to date both you and Adrien. But I understand if the relationship between you two takes priority –”

“Whoa, whoa, no,” Adrien says. “There’s no priority. You’re all equally important to me.”

“What he said,” Marinette says. “Adrien’s not more important just because I was with him first. We’re not gonna just shove you and Kagami aside when things get rough, Luka. That’s why we wanna be sure we’ve figured this out before we go jumping in.” (Chapter 41)

This is a good and healthy attitude to take when it comes to a polyamorous relationship, and one that I think is essential for making it work, but – well, this is where some of the general lack of development between all of them becomes a bit of an issue. Because while this is a good illustration of how to make a polyamorous relationship work – it doesn’t feel earned. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Lukanette. They like each other, but – they haven’t really been shown to TALK much, to really connect with each other, especially with any give-and-take. Though Lukadrien has that trouble a bit too – Luka provides support to Adrien, but it doesn’t really seem like Adrien can really engage Luka totally as an equal either. It feels like Luka’s more of a plot device for Adrien and Marinette, than a character in his own right.

Admittedly though, that’s a canon problem – that’s pretty much been Luka’s role to date. But it does make the whole “you’re equally important” thing feel unearned.

Kagaminette has probably the solidest foundation of the added poly relationships, with the give-and-take between Marinette and Kagami, the deep conversations, and the additional opportunities they’ve had to be around each other in different contexts, with Marinette picking Kagami to be Ryuuko. It still doesn’t have enough development to really make this feel totally right though, with the sheer amount of development the Love Square relationship has had by comparison.

Adrigami is in kind of a weird place here. It had a fairly solid starting foundation, and Adrien has at least clearly hung out with Kagami a lot, but they haven’t really talked or done that much together on-screen, so it seems like more of a background relationship than anything. Intellectually it makes sense with how they relate to each other and the amount of time they get to spend together, but since we don’t see that much of it, it feels like more of an informed relationship than anything else, where we’re told about them being super close, but don’t really get to see it happen as much.

Honestly, that was my biggest issue with this whole subplot regarding the polyamorous relationships; it felt like Luka and Kagami were being elevated to the same status as Adrien and Marinette, regarding their places in each other’s lives, without enough development of those relationships on-screen to truly earn that place.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Bonus 4.1 - Ultimate Talent Development Plan (Mostly Kaito Edition)

This is postgame content, so people shouldn’t be reading this without having already finished the main game anyway. But just to be safe: while this is non-canon character stuff, I will sometimes be mentioning events that happened in the main story, so there will be spoilers for the main game.

First off, some of the usual preamble about how this mode even works. Functionally, it’s, of all things, a board game that serves as a companion for another bonus mode which is a dungeon crawler RPG. Characters don’t gain experience from battles in the RPG; instead, you level up characters in this mode, by playing through the board game as them. I could go on at great length about all the mechanics of this, because I got rather addicted to it at one point. (Apparently all you need to do to make me invested in the mechanics of an RPG is to put characters I already love into it, and then I will do everything in my power to figure out how to turn them into the awesomest fighters they can be. Kaito is the best tank and will take all of the hits to protect his glass-cannon sidekicks!) But we’re here for the story aspect, so I shall restrain myself.

Flavour-wise, each playthrough of the board game follows your chosen character as they live out three years at Hope’s Peak, in a non-despair AU in which the casts from DR1, DR2 and DRV3 are all in the same school year. (Well, it’s mostly non-despair – at the end of the three years, an army of Monokuma robots is unleashed under the school, and that’s the dungeon crawling part. But your heroes ultimately deal with that threat before it can cause any chaos outside.)

The board game is only a very abstract representation of this story. Each turn supposedly represents one month, but really most of the spaces on the board are just various ways to level up your various attributes and don’t have any real narrative. The only spaces that matter for our purposes here are Friendly Spaces, which will show you one of five scenes featuring your character, that I’ll refer to as “friendly events”, in which they interact with one or two other students. If you land on enough Friendly Spaces, which is easy enough to do if you’re aiming for it, you’ll see all five scenes with your character.

The other source of story here is seasonal events, which trigger automatically on a specific month in each of the three years. The character you’re playing as gets a choice of three possible things they can do for the event, each of which results in a scene with one or two other characters. Unfortunately, these choices are mutually exclusive, so to see all of a character’s scenes, you need to play as them through almost the entirety of the board game (because the last seasonal event is near the end of year 3) three times.

…But actually, that’s not all, not if you want to really see all the scenes for a single character. Friendly Space scenes are easy to see all of because they’ll appear when you’re playing as any of the characters featured in them. (Well, usually; one of Kaito’s doesn’t appear for him, but that seems to be just a programming oversight.) But the seasonal event scenes don’t work this way and only appear for the character who is given the choice of what to do. So any given character is also going to appear in a bunch of other characters’ seasonal events, and you’re only going to see those scenes by playing as those other characters. Worse, if you’re interested in a specific character’s scenes, there’s no way to even know which other characters’ seasonal events they appear in. So the only way to be sure that you’ve seen every single scene for a given character is to play through the board game three times each as *every single one of over fifty characters*. (Actually, the exact number is fifty-three, which… I think is genuinely just a coincidence. Heh.)

In short, thank god for the wiki. I do not envy but am immensely grateful to the people who went and did exactly that and got transcripts – with sprites, even – of every single one of these scenes. Thankfully, each character’s page for this mode on the wiki contains all of their own seasonal events and all of their appearances in other characters’ seasonal events, so you can see absolutely all of their scenes in one place. I am not using my Vita for this one. (I wouldn’t have wanted to anyway because the backlog function doesn’t work in this mode, but.)

While it makes things way more inconvenient in terms of actually seeing every scene, I do prefer the board game as a framing device for this AU’s story far more than the framing device for the Salmon Team AU. Salmon Team used the same interface of Shuichi walking around and talking to people that the main story had, which resulted in an impression that, in-story, everyone was just robotically standing in the same spot every day doing nothing until Shuichi came to talk to them. But this board game is abstract enough that we know none of the rolling dice and landing on spaces is really what’s happening in-story. The scenes we see give us a glimpse of the students’ school lives, but there’s clearly so much more happening offscreen that we don’t get to see. It feels like an organic and fully-realised story that the board game just happens to only give us a series of brief windows into.

Before beginning into the board game itself and seeing any of the actual scenes, you also get a single textbox from the character you’ve chosen to play as, as they get ready to enrol in Hope’s Peak.

Kaito:  “Alright! I’ll keep training while I’m here and after I graduate, I’ll go straight to space!”

Kaito’s words here raise a few questions, honestly. If he’s already started astronaut training, he should be focusing entirely on that and really should not also be attending high school. He questioned in the demo why he’d have bothered enrolling in some academy when he should just be working on getting to space as soon as possible; you’d think he’d feel the same even if it was Hope’s Peak! It seems like the writing is just desperately trying to have it be the case that Kaito is both already an astronaut trainee in order to justify his Ultimate status, and yet is also attending Hope’s Peak, even though dividing his focus like that really doesn’t seem like the right way for Hope’s Peak to nurture his talent.

However, we could get this to work by imagining that Kaito is exaggerating here about having already started his training. Perhaps what’s really going on is this: Kaito managed to impress the space program despite being way too young, so they made him a deal. They recommended him to Hope’s Peak as the Ultimate Astronaut, having acknowledged his incredible potential to be one, and if he graduates from there, then he gets to jump straight into astronaut training without also needing a college degree. After all, part of Hope’s Peak’s deal is supposed to be that you’re “set for life” if you graduate, which I can imagine would equate to getting privileges like that.

I wonder if these privileges also mean that Maki doesn’t have to be an assassin any more after she graduates. This is the one universe in which Maki has actually killed people and her assassin cult actually exists and she’s going to have to go back to killing people again once this is over, which makes me very sad. Unfortunately I really doubt the canon Hope’s Peak would have given a fuck about helping Maki out like that, and all of the scenes we see here remain very vague about what’s going to happen to Maki once she leaves. Buuuut maybe we can pretend that this AU version of Hope’s Peak is nicer and is going to abolish her assassin cult as its way of making her “set for life”? I just don’t want to imagine Maki having to go back to killing once she leaves here. I can’t imagine Kaito or Shuichi would stand for it either.

Meanwhile, in Shuichi’s little intro line, he isn’t wearing his hat, when he really should be if you think about it. Until he meets Kaito and Kaede and starts trying to be braver, he’s not going to take that thing off.

…So, if this introduction didn’t already make it obvious, I’m going to be focusing on scenes featuring at least one of our adorable training trio, with a particular focus on Kaito because what did you expect, it’s me.

Shuichi (featuring Kyoko)

Obviously one of the friendly events I’m here to talk about is one between Shuichi and Kaito!

Shuichi is already Kaito’s sidekick in this event, which is something we don’t really need to be shown coming about, not when we can easily fill in the gaps and imagine that it went roughly like it did in canon. Kaito saw Shuichi’s weakness and made it his business to help, just like Kaito always does.

…It is a little different from canon, because there isn’t the context of Shuichi needing to have his act together in case there’s another class trial, nor is there the subtle Kaito’s-issues context of him feeling like Shuichi has already been more of a hero than him and wanting to make himself a part of that in order to feel useful and not inferior. But this just goes to show that those reasons were never necessary and Kaito would have reached out to Shuichi regardless, because that’s genuinely just who he is.

Kaito:  “Why’re you looking so down now? I thought you’d been looking better than when you first got to this academy. If there’s something going on, then spit it out! It’s a hero’s job to help out his sidekick!”

Shuichi:  “It’s nothing, I just… I feel as though I haven’t used my detective skills lately.”

Kaito noticing Shuichi looking down and encouraging him to talk about whatever’s wrong is still so good. It seems Shuichi would normally have felt this wasn’t important enough to mention, but thanks to Kaito’s prodding, he’s been starting to learn that it’s okay to talk about even small-seeming problems, because Kaito will help him with anything.

(And Kaito is indeed actually right in his judgement that something was wrong, because this isn’t chapter 4 in which he’d become desperate enough to forcefully insist Shuichi needed his help when he really didn’t. No I am not going to stop mentioning the time Kaito did that in his chapter 4 FTE; it was delightful.)

Shuichi:  “I feel like… I should be doing something. I got my Ultimate talent by chance, so…”

Props to Shuichi for wanting to do something about this. Even though he feels he got his Ultimate title by chance, he’s not just going to wallow in the feeling that he doesn’t deserve it – he wants to work until he can feel like he does deserve it and can be proud of it! It’s definitely Kaito (and probably also Kaede; she’s his friend in this AU too, of course) who helped Shuichi feel this way, because this was very much not his outlook at the beginning.

Shuichi:  “But… a detective can’t work unless there’s a case to solve, or a request to fulfil.”

Kaito:  “No! Your talents are more than just that!”

Shuichi:  “Huh?”

Kaito:  “Hey, Shuichi… I’m an astronaut. Do you think I’m useless when I’m not in space?”

Shuichi:  “You’re not useless! You have good teamwork, and you always help people in need. Everyone really depends on you, Kaito.”

I really like Kaito’s approach to this. Of course he’s not useless when he’s not in space, because all of the skills he has that gave him his astronaut talent can also be applied in so many other ways! In terms of current achievements, Kaito is a far worse astronaut than Shuichi is a detective, because Shuichi has at least solved a good few cases, while Kaito’s never even been to space. But Kaito doesn’t let that get him down! There’s so much else he can do with his skills before he gets there!

Kaito:  “Then what about detectives? Are they useless without cases or requests?”

Shuichi:  “Well…”

So the same should go for Shuichi, right? Obviously!

Kaito:  “So I’ll be the hero and you be my sidekick!”

Shuichi:  “…Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”

It’s… a little hard to translate the Kaito-ese here, and I don’t blame Shuichi for getting confused. But I think what he’s trying to get at is that he’ll cheer Shuichi on while Shuichi goes out there and lives up to his potential, because that’s what the hero-and-sidekick thing is really about.

Kaito:  “And when someone’s in trouble, you help ‘em out! Like, by giving them advice or something! It might be different from your usual detective work, but… Instead of rotting away like that, it’ll make you feel alive by helping out those around us.”

It’s adorable that Kaito’s basically encouraging Shuichi to be more like him, in the sense of trying to help people. After all, he knows that Shuichi’s a naturally compassionate person who does instinctively want to help others a lot. Their respective talents lend themselves to helping others in quite different ways – Shuichi isn’t necessarily going to be as great at giving advice as Kaito is – but that just means that there’s things that Shuichi can do for people that even Kaito can’t.

There actually is something of a running theme of Shuichi doing this kind of thing in some of his other scenes in this AU! The types of cases he took on at his uncle’s office were often about finding lost pets or missing people, so he’s really good at tracking things down, which can come in very handy when others have more practical problems than the kind Kaito helps people with. Just like in canon, Kaito is good at helping people with his words, while Shuichi is good at helping people with his actions.

This also comes up a little in another one of Shuichi’s friendly events, with Kyoko. Because, yes, she’s here too, meaning there’s just awkwardly two different Ultimate Detectives in the same school year somehow.

Shuichi:  “An apprentice like me doesn’t deserve to share the title of Ultimate Detective with you…”

Which, predictably, makes Shuichi feel rather inferior when comparing himself to Kyoko and her accomplishments.

Kyoko:  “Others accept that you are a detective, and have also come to rely on you, too. The other day, I saw you running all over the place with Ryoma and Peko… No doubt because they needed your insights as a detective, right?”

Shuichi:  “Ah, I was just looking for a missing cat around the academy… I’ve handled plenty of missing pet cases before, so I was able to help, but…”

This is indeed a thing that happened – there’s a scene between Ryoma and Peko (the former of whom is a big cat person and the latter of whom loves fluffy animals in general) in which they discuss a lost cat they’ve seen around school and ultimately decide to get Shuichi’s help to track it down and find its owner. That scene doesn’t actually get as far as featuring Shuichi in it, but this scene here with Kyoko confirms that he did indeed manage to help solve that “case”! It’s neat how there’s various events that are referred to in multiple scenes, to help things really feel like a cohesive story.

Kyoko:  “Do you think it’s meaningless for people to rely on you?”

Shuichi:  “…No, that’s wrong. It makes me… so happy to be helpful.”

Kyoko:  “Then I see no reason for you to compare yourself to me. Every detective is shaped by their motives, methodologies, and case histories.”

Kyoko has such a good point! She and Shuichi are very, very different types of detective and shouldn’t really be compared to each other. Kyoko is a homicide detective and takes a very objective, impersonal approach to things, whereas Shuichi handles more domestic cases that are about solving people’s problems and generally has more of a focus on helping people in the process. It’s possible that Kyoko brings up people relying on Shuichi because she actually kind of looks up to him for that, since that’s very much not something that her own type of detective work makes her suited for.

This idea gets explored a little more in another scene Shuichi has with Kyoko, as one of his seasonal events for the final year. (I’ll mostly be trying to do the seasonal events in chronological order as we go along, but there’s some final-year events, such as this one, that exist as kind of a follow-up to an earlier friendly event between two characters. So I’ll be doing those in conjunction with the relevant friendly event, even if it means we have to temporarily skip ahead to the end of the three years now and then.)

Shuichi bumps into Kyoko about to leave for some urgent business in such a hurry that she won’t even have time to tell her classmates she’s going to miss the closing ceremony, so Shuichi offers to let Makoto know for her.

Kyoko:  “If that’s the case… I’m sorry, but would you mind doing it?”

Shuichi:  “Ah, don’t worry about it! It’s alright to depend on others when you need to. I’ll give you advice someone gave me. Don’t try to do everything by yourself. Sometimes, asking for help is exactly what you need. Even if it’s something small.”

The way Kyoko apologises before asking Shuichi for something this small does suggest that she’s very much not used to relying on others at all. Kyoko is of course naturally very capable and independent and doesn’t often need help in the first place, but she can also be reluctant to rely on others even when it would benefit her to do so. Good thing Shuichi can help her a little with that, in part thanks to all of the advice Kaito’s given him!

Shuichi:  “Ah, but… I might be getting a little *too* much help from everyone…”

Kyoko is a detective who maybe doesn’t rely on others enough, while Shuichi is a detective who relies on others maybe a little too much. It’s a neat contrast.

Kyoko:  “I never meant to hold it in… That was never my intention. When you involve yourself in someone else’s business, you can easily misjudge them.”

Shuichi:  “I’m sure you’re right. There are certainly situations like that. But aren’t there times that make you think… you want to really trust someone? Even if you might get hurt?”

Kyoko at least tells herself that she tries to refrain from personal ties and relying on others in order to remain detached and impartial for her detective work. That is perhaps more important for a homicide detective than it would be for a domestic detective like Shuichi. Then again, in canon, Shuichi had to solve a bunch of murders, and he managed to do that despite also having an emotional side that willingly formed bonds and wanted to believe in people. You don’t have to throw away Kyoko Kirigiri in order to be the Ultimate Detective, Kyoko!

Also, Shuichi’s words about wanting to trust someone even if you might get hurt are definitely paraphrasing Kaito’s principles on that topic here and I love it. He’s had much less of an issue with that notion in this AU when there haven’t been any murders, but maybe instead it was the beginnings of their friendship with Maki that prompted Shuichi to ask Kaito how he could believe in people so easily.

Maki Roll (featuring Chihiro)

…And than brings us rather conveniently onto the next friendly event I wanted to cover, because of course Kaito also has a scene with Maki.

Maki is also already Kaito’s sidekick in this scene, but unlike with Shuichi, we can’t just assume this went basically how it did in canon. See, Kaito (and implicitly also Shuichi, though he’s not in this scene) knows about Maki’s talent, but nobody else does. Which is in fact a huge difference from canon that warrants some lengthy speculation about how Maki even ended up as Kaito’s sidekick in this universe at all.

In canon, it only happened because Kokichi found out Maki’s talent and told everyone. Kaito started properly reaching out to her and trying to make her his sidekick after that, and since she had nothing to lose because the worst had already happened and her secret was already out, she didn’t put up that much resistance. Kaito’s continued belief in her despite knowing her true talent let Maki realise that people knowing wasn’t the absolute end of the world like she’d been terrified it would be.

Here, though, without a class-wide bombshell revealing Maki’s identity, it’s very remarkable that Kaito even knows at all. Throughout chapter 2, Maki was so terrified of anyone finding out her secret, because she was absolutely convinced that it’d make everyone hate and fear and try to kill her and she’d end up forced to kill them in self-defence, which she did not remotely want to do. That fear might not be quite as intense outside of a killing game, nor without a whole room full of proof of her talent readily available for anyone to wander into, but it’d still be there. She’d still be reluctant to get close to anyone even under the guise of being the Ultimate Child Caregiver, not only out of a belief that she doesn’t deserve to have friends, but also out of a fear that letting someone get too close will increase the risk of them finding out her secret somehow even if she’s trying to hide it.

So obviously Kaito’s persistence and stubbornness would still have been a huge and necessary factor here. Although he didn’t know Maki’s talent and therefore just how weak she was and how badly she needed it, he must have seen her as a potential sidekick anyway. She was still cutting herself off from the rest of the class for reasons that Kaito’s instincts could tell weren’t malicious, meaning he probably figured that she was running away from something and needed help. So he’d have kept trying to talk to her and include her in things and invite her to train with him and Shuichi and generally be his incredibly stubborn self at her.

But… because Maki’s secret wasn’t already out, it must have taken way more stubbornness from Kaito here than it did in canon to finally get through to her. She’d have realised that he’s trying to figure out why she’s so closed off and get her to open up, but she would be utterly convinced that telling him the truth would only make him fear her and give up on her, and probably also warn everyone else about her talent and ruin everything.

There’s two possibilities I can think of for how Maki eventually gave in and opened up. One is that Kaito and Shuichi managed to figure it out themselves after enough attempts to talk to her, through a combination of Shuichi’s detective skills and Kaito’s intuition for people. Then they gently confronted her about it, with a very clear message of “we know this is why you’re scared, but it’s okay, we trust you, and you can trust us not to tell anyone, we only want to help you”. I’m not totally sold on this idea, though, because it would still leave Maki with the fear that she couldn’t actually trust them, not after they figured out her worst secret without her consent. (Also, hello Shuichi’s issues about accidentally figuring out truths that the subject of them hates having exposed.)

The more likely possibility, then, is that Maki did eventually tell Kaito herself, not out of openly trusting him and being comfortable with him knowing (because she would never believe that anyone could be okay with her being a killer until she’s already seen it happen), but more out of just trying to get him to finally leave her alone already. Surely knowing that she’s a killer will make even a stubborn idiot like him give up on her and realise she’s not worth getting close to, right? But that’s still remarkable, because people finding out her talent is still the worst and most terrifying scenario imaginable to Maki. So while she’d be telling herself on the surface that this is just to get rid of him, she would still have had to genuinely trust somewhere deep down that Kaito would at least respect her secret and not tell anyone else, even if he’d also totally never want to speak to her again.

I’m pretty sure that’s roughly how this must have gone down, and that’s really incredible. Maki would have had no obvious, undeniable way to realise she could trust Kaito, not like she had in canon from the simple fact that he continued to believe in her despite knowing that she’s an assassin. Imagine the absolute persistent supportiveness Kaito would have needed to display in order for Maki to start to instinctively feel that way anyway. And consider how huge it is for Maki that she did end up coming to trust Kaito enough, even if she wasn’t admitting it to herself, that she was able to briefly lift her otherwise-unbreakable barrier of no-one must ever know, if only in what she was telling herself was an attempt to push him away. Kaito is so good, and Maki absolutely needed someone as stubbornly, recklessly kind as him to begin to get through to her.

Kaito:  “Hey, Maki Roll! You better remember our promise for tonight!”

Maki:  “Are you talking about training? You made that promise, not me. And stop calling me Maki Roll.”

These opening lines put this scene very early on in Maki’s sidekickhood. Kaito has started calling her Maki Roll, which it only took him a few days to do in canon after she’d become his sidekick (and after he knew she was an assassin and therefore that giving her the most un-assassin-like nickname would be a good way to help her). But Maki has not yet given up telling him not to, which also only took a few days.

Plus, Maki is still acting like the only reason she’s going to training is because Kaito is nagging her to and is not yet openly accepting that she’s choosing to go for her own sake. In fact, the way they talk about the promise like it’s not already a regular arrangement suggests that tonight may be the first time Maki will ever come to training, or at most the second, if it happened for the first time last night and Kaito told her to come again tomorrow.

That moment in which Maki finally gave in and told Kaito about her talent must have been no more than a few days ago, then. Kaito would of course have responded by reassuring her that he still believes in her, and that rather than pushing him away, she should be accepting his help in growing stronger, for which she should obviously start coming to training with him and Shuichi.

Kaito:  “Alright, you remember! I’ll see you there!”

Despite Maki acting like she’s only doing this because he’s nagging her, and not even explicitly promising she’ll be there, of course Kaito knows that she will definitely be there. He called it a promise in the first place because he knows that she has already made the choice to try and get stronger. And he can tell that she must already trust him on some level to have even told him her secret in the first place.

Maki:  “…Is that why you came to talk to me?”

Kaito:  “Nah, I’ve got a message from Kaede. She wants to talk about the promise you made with her. I dunno what kind of promise it is, but… since when were you guys so close?”

Maki:  “We’re not close, and I wouldn’t call my arrangement with Kaede a promise, either. She offered to play piano for the kids at my orphanage. That’s all.”

This is actually a promise Kaede makes if you do Maki’s FTEs with Kaede in the main game! It’s lovely that they also put it into this AU and made it an actual thing that happens, because man was that never going to actually be able to happen in canon for multiple reasons.

Maki is probably right to say that she and Kaede aren’t that close. If she’s this early on in being Kaito’s sidekick, she definitely hasn’t really started to open up much with other people either. But it seems that despite that, Kaede has tried approaching Maki anyway and had similar conversations with her as she has in her canon FTEs, because Kaede is lovely and always trying to make friends even with more guarded people like Maki.

Maki:  “But… I left that orphanage years ago. Kaede thinks I was the Ultimate Child Caregiver at that orphanage before I came here, but…”

This is of course the assumption Kaede was running under in her FTEs with Maki when she offered to play piano for the kids then. (Not that Kaede hypothetically learning Maki’s real identity would change anything, once she learned Maki’s reasons for it – if anything, it’d only make Kaede even more determined to do something nice for Maki and those kids. Kaede is just as good as Kaito is.)

Kaito:  “Hey, there’s no reason you can’t go to the orphanage, right, Maki Roll? So just take Kaede there with you. For the kids living peacefully there you worked so hard for… Let them hear Kaede’s music.”

It’s lovely what Kaito’s doing here. Maki is telling herself that she barely deserves to be going back near that happy life at the orphanage any more now that she’s a horrible murderer, but Kaito’s trying to reassure her that hey, none of that means she can’t at least visit and do something nice for the kids she cares about so much!

…And, okay, so apparently we’re also at a point after Maki has opened up about exactly why she became an assassin, which took several days longer than her initial decision to try and change (and happened after she’d given up protesting the Maki Roll). It’s a little surprising that she reached that point so quickly, because subconsciously trusting Kaito not to betray her talent to everyone is a lot different from actually telling him why she’s an assassin and more or less admitting that she never wanted it. So… I am starting to get the sense that the writers here maaaay not have fully thought through what they were implying with this scene’s opening lines, because those definitely gave the sense that Maki had barely started training if she was reluctant to even admit she was coming.

Unless maybe things happened in a different order in this universe, such that Maki had already begrudgingly told Kaito a few stories about her orphanage during his persistent pestering for her to open up (just like she does with Kaede’s attempts to reach out to her). Which might mean that when she finally threw up her hands and told him she’s a goddamn assassin so leave her alone, it wouldn’t be as much of a leap for her to then admit, with some more questioning from Kaito, that the orphanage stories were still true and are actually quite related to her being an assassin. Maybe.

Kaito:  “Oh! I just had a great idea too! How about me and Shuichi tag along? Yeah! Let’s do it! If Shuichi’s with us, I bet Kaede will get all psyched up!”

Aww, Kaito. It is making me very happy imagining this gathering of these four being friends at Maki’s orphanage and making the kids smile. (I bet Kaito is also very good with kids. Especially if they’re aware he’s the Ultimate Astronaut, letting him jump right into his inspiring hero role and tell them all sorts of exciting things about SPACE.)

…Kaito’s comment about how Shuichi’s presence will psyche Kaede up does imply that he might have figured those two have a bit of an unspoken romantic thing for each other. But even if that’s the case, I like to imagine that Kaito wouldn’t make any overt moves to act on this and try and set them up together without one of them directly asking him for help. After all, Kaito’s only working on a hunch here, and if his hunch happens to be wrong, then trying to push his friends into a romance they don’t actually want would be a dick move. (More on a similar concept regarding Kaito’s hunches in another scene next post.)

Maki:  “You want to tag along… and bring Shuichi?”

Kaito:  “Yeah! If there are any problems, Shuichi and I will help out!”

This is the real reason Kaito invited himself and Shuichi along, though. He can sense that Maki is uneasy doing something that comes so close to her personal life and the truth about herself when she’s including someone who doesn’t know her secret. As such, Kaito’s offering to go along with Shuichi to be there for her and help her feel safer. Since it doesn’t make much sense for there to be logistical problems with Kaede playing the piano to the kids, Kaito is really talking about the possibility of there being problems with Maki’s talent remaining secret. He’s saying that he and Shuichi will be there to cover for her, and, if worst comes to worst and her talent ends up coming out anyway, talk Kaede through the revelation and assure her that Maki still deserves to be treated like a person. (Kaede would definitely understand, of course, but she’d need some explanations, and Maki might not be comfortable giving those on her own.)

Kaito:  “Do you not want Kaede and the others to find out about your real talent? But… I know you don’t wanna distance yourself from them like when you first got here, yeah?”

Maki:  “…Don’t make assumptions about me.”

He’s right, though, isn’t he, Maki? However, she’s still not quite willing to admit that yet herself, so this is still quite early days, one way or another.

Maki:  “But… I guess I’ll give the orphanage a call.”

Kaito:  “Alright! Then it’s decided!”

Maki’s going to do it! I really, really get the sense that without Kaito’s reassurance, she wouldn’t have actually acted upon this and would have left Kaede hanging. Kaede might well have been trying to prod Maki about it herself and getting only vague uncertainty since Maki wasn’t truly comfortable doing it. That could be why Kaede asked Kaito to talk to her about it, having noticed that he seems to be closer to Maki than she is.

Maki does have a friendly event with Kaede, too, but it turns out to be more about Chihiro, who’s also in the scene. Maki and Kaede happen across Chihiro crying, and he explains that he found an injured bird that died before he could take it to Gundham to maybe save it.

Maki points out that that’s not Chihiro’s fault and Gundham might not have been able to save it anyway.

Chihiro:  “You’re… right… But when I thought about how it probably wanted to fly more, I just started crying…”

Chihiro is projecting his weakness issues onto this poor little injured bird that probably wished it was stronger, but then it didn’t manage to get any stronger and died because it was too weak! Aww, Chihiro.

Maki:  “I don’t think you should be crying over that, though… But… I do think it’s fortunate it had someone to cry for it.”

Maki looks distant during that second part, because apparently she’s also somewhat projecting her issues onto this bird. She’s acknowledging that it’s sad when someone suffers alone without anyone knowing and being able to care about it. In a very, very indirect way, she’s saying that her past suffering matters, and that she deserves to have others know and feel sorry for her about what she’s been through. That’s a big deal coming from Maki!  (And I’m sure others do know about her suffering; if she’s admitting this, then she’s probably already told Kaito and Shuichi about some of the more awful parts of her assassin training by now.)

Chihiro wants to bury the bird, so both Kaede and Maki suggest they should take it to Gundham, who’d know about how best to do this sort of thing. Maki offers to come along, which Chihiro seems surprised about.

Kaede:  “You know, Chihiro… Maki may seem edgy on the outside, but she’s actually very sincere.”

Maki:  [pouting] “…You don’t need to come with us, Kaede.”

Kaede:  “Why!? I only said the truth!”

Maki is a good caregiver! And also embarrassed at Kaede earnestly telling near-strangers how caring she is. Kaede is good and I hope she and Maki continue to be friends; she’d be able to help Maki out a lot too, even without necessarily having to know her secret.

Maki:  “I can’t just leave a crybaby like you alone. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth…”

Maki mentioned during her FTEs that her best friend from the orphanage (who is no longer alive) was something of a crybaby who tried her best to be strong. Is Chihiro reminding Maki of her friend here? Because that’s adorable.

There’s a little more Maki and Chihiro in one of Maki’s third year winter events, not precisely as a follow-up to this but I might as well cover it here anyway. Maki happens across Chihiro in the dining hall, and after some conversation about Chihiro not having the strength to open a jar (but wanting to keep trying rather than having Maki do it for him), Chihiro comments that Maki must be like a reliable big sister to the kids she looks after.

Maki:  “I don’t think… I’m that reliable.”

Chihiro:  “Huh, why?”

Maki:  “I’m not good at taking care of people and I keep secrets. You can’t rely on someone like that.”

Makiiii, you are very good at taking care of people. And you only keep your secret to protect both yourself and other people, not out of any kind of malice or intent to deceive, so that doesn’t inherently make you unreliable. I guess in this universe Kaito never got the chance to give his speech about how having secrets is just human and doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad person.

Chihiro:  “You keep secrets?”

Maki:  “Nothing. Forget it.”

Chihiro:  “Um… Uhhh… Keeping secrets might be bad… But I don’t think it’s strange… Even I… have secrets.”

Turns out this is something Maki and Chihiro have in common! Chihiro isn’t keeping his secret for a malicious reason either, nor does it make him any less worth relying on because of it!

Chihiro:  “Maki… is there anyone you talked to about your secret? Or have you not told anyone?”

Maki:  “Well… I have told someone.”

The fact that Maki says that she told Kaito and Shuichi her secret makes it all the more likely that the reason they found out really is because she slowly grew to trust them enough to tell them. I don’t think she’d word it that way if they’d been the ones to figure it out first.

Chihiro:  “Okay, then you’re fine. It’s a bit of a relief to have someone to talk to.”

Maki:  “That’s true… I actually do feel a bit relieved.”

Chihiro is saying this because, in this AU, he’s entrusted Mondo with his secret and Mondo has been training him to get stronger, a lot like Kaito has with Maki! This is a big thing they have in common, and it’s lovely to have that brought up here and see them both agreeing that it’s nice not to have to bear their secret alone.

Honestly, if Chihiro had happened to be in Kaito’s class instead, he’d probably have admired Kaito’s strength and gone to him instead with his secret to ask for help getting stronger, and damn right Kaito would have immediately taken him on as a sidekick and it would have been adorable. But instead, Chihiro has Mondo, which in some ways is essentially the same thing and in some ways is rather different, as we’ll get into later in this post.

Year 1 seasonal events

The first year’s seasonal event is the summer sports festival. There aren’t too many here I want to cover, but I might as well group them together for it anyway.

Show ‘em what you got in the three-legged race! Maybe you should talk to someone before the race. But who?

-      My sidekick, of course!

One fun thing about the way the game does these seasonal events is that the narration and the choices are written in the POV of the character you’re playing as. Kaito is so into this and so eager to talk to his sidekick – obviously he wouldn’t pick anyone else! (He did keep saying back in Salmon Team that the sidekick totally wouldn’t pick anyone besides the hero – and that at least is something that goes both ways!)

Kaito:  “Alright, bro! It’s finally time to show off the results of all our training! Don’t hesitate! There’s no way we can lose after training through blood, sweat and tears!”

Shuichi:  “Blood, sweat and tears sounds like a little too much… But it’s true that this training will give us an edge in the festival. I feel like we can win!”

Of course their training will help! Not just in the sense that it’s made Shuichi physically fitter, but also just because it means Kaito and Shuichi are so very in-sync with each other. The three-legged race is an event that relies less on physical prowess and more just on extremely good teamwork, so it’s perfect for Kaito in general, and especially for him and Shuichi since they’re such close friends. I bet Kaito signed them both up the moment he heard there was going to be a three-legged race, probably before even asking if Shuichi was up for it (because he already knew he would be).

Kaito:  “I’ve already decided I’m gonna win at everything today. So as my sidekick, you better support me!”

Kaito is still pretending like the sidekick thing is even remotely about Shuichi making him look good when really it’s literally the opposite of that. Though I suppose events like this give him an excuse to actually make things seem this way for once, so that he can set a super-awesome example for his sidekick to strive for.

Despite acting like he definitely wouldn’t have chosen to talk to anyone but Shuichi, Kaito can also talk to his opponents, one of whom happens to be Fuyuhiko. (Another event implies that Fuyuhiko’s partner in this race is Kazuichi, which means we were so close to seeing Kaito and Kazuichi interact! They do not have a single interaction in this mode and I feel incredibly robbed.)

Kaito:  “Oh hey, Fuyuhiko. Never thought I’d be going up against you!”

Kaito starts with this, so it seems he’s aware of what Fuyuhiko’s like and knows that it appears to be unlike him to be at events like this. (This is, after all, a Fuyuhiko before his canon character development in which he warmed up to everyone.)

Fuyuhiko:  “What, am I not allowed to be here or something? Did you think I’d just ditch school events?”

Kaito:  “Nah, man! I’m glad you’re here! I always thought you were the type that’d show up to this stuff!”

Fuyuhiko:  “Geez… don’t act like you’ve got me figured out. I never wanted to do any of this lame shit.”

But Kaito does have Fuyuhiko figured out, doesn’t he! Despite what he said at first, which was based on how Fuyuhiko appears on the surface, Kaito can also see past that and tell that really Fuyuhiko does want to join in with this kind of thing with his schoolmates and is just very prickly about it. And by being so forward with the “Yeah, of course you’d do this!”, he’s also trying to get Fuyuhiko to realise that it’s really not so embarrassing to want this and he should be more open with it. Kaito is so good.

Kaito’s other opponents, and last options to talk to for this event, are Hiro and Hifumi. There’s nothing of substance in that conversation other than pointing out how hilariously ill-equipped they are for a three-legged race. And since Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi are not super in-sync with each other and liable to bicker, Kaito and Shuichi definitely destroyed the competition and showed everyone what an awesome team they are.

Kaito appears in a few other people’s sports festival events, but none of them are that noteworthy. He suggests Gonta should play more aggressively at basketball, protests that his face is not dumb-looking when Mahiru decides to take photos of the three-legged race, and encourages Peko to be enthusiastic in cheering on her friends.

Kaito:  “Shout whatever you think will help. That’ll become their strength out there!”

Words becoming other people’s strength is so very luminary of him and it’s lovely to see him passing that idea onto others.

Maki has a brief noteworthy bit during the sports festival, in an event you get as Kyoko, who is one of Maki’s opponents in the girls’ three-legged race.

Maki:  “Even though sports festivals are a pain… I don’t intend to hold back. There’s someone in my class who would nag me if I don’t do my best.”

Guess who she’s talking about! Sports festivals may be just for bragging rights and not really Maki’s thing, but Kaito has managed to instil her with at least a little of his philosophy that anything and everything is worth getting passionate about and giving your all.

The sports festival happens in June, while Japanese school years start in April. Which means that, man, Kaito really got to work fast on his prolonged stubborn pestering to get through to Maki if he’s already done so in the space of only a few months. …Or, since she only says “someone in my class” and not “a friend”, maybe this is before Maki has actually told him her secret (though she’d still be reluctant to admit he’s her friend for a little while after that). But even if she’s not his sidekick yet, clearly he’s still been pestering her plenty about doing her best and getting involved in things, because of course he has.

Meanwhile, Shuichi’s events for the sports festival involve him tracking down and apprehending Monokuma, who was causing chaos for the hell of it (yes, Monokuma is here in this non-despair AU as a separate autonomous character, somehow, just go with it). Shuichi’s using his detective skills to help people, just like Kaito was encouraging him to!

Mondo (featuring heroes and sidekicks)

Another of Kaito’s friendly events, and one which is followed up on with a third year seasonal event, is with Mondo. While I am endlessly sad that there are no interactions between Kaito and Kazuichi… perhaps that’s understandable, because Kaito would have full-on sidekicked the hell out of Kazuichi and it would have been a whole thing that this mode wouldn’t have room to do justice. But I do also like Mondo a lot, so maybe Kaito’s interactions with him here are the next best thing.

Mondo:  “…”

Kaito:  “What’s up? Is something bothering you?”

Given Kaito’s intuition, he’s probably right to assume that something’s bothering Mondo here. After all, Mondo definitely has a lot of issues that he hasn’t remotely sorted out yet.

Kaito:  “Alright, then I’ll tell you about the universe! It’ll make your problems look insignificant!”

While this could read as such, Kaito is not saying this in any kind of self-centred sense of “my space stuff is more important than your issues”. Rather, he’s trying to help Mondo realise his problems maybe aren’t quite as big and as scary as he’s making them out to be. “The universe is impossibly vast” isn’t necessarily just something Kaito says to geek out about space. Perhaps it’s also a way he’s found to help put his problems in perspective (you know, when he has them, which is definitely never and why are you asking where his parents are), so he’s trying to do that for Mondo, too.

Mondo:  “You talk about space and shit all the time, but… you ain’t even been there yet, right? And even so, you’ve still got such a confident look on your face.”

Kaito:  “Of course. I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars! It’s already been decided that I’m gonna go to space! Right now is just before that happens!”

This is such a straightforwardly Kaito outlook. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t been to space yet, he’s definitely going to, so he might as well carry himself like somebody who already has! He’s so good at having confidence in himself and what his future holds.

Mondo:  “It pisses me off, but… hearing you say something like that makes it sound possible. Space, huh? To have a dream like that, you gotta have some real balls, man.”

…And maybe that sort of outlook is the kind of thing that could help Mondo. Kaito presents himself the way he does not just to make himself look good, but more importantly to try and inspire others to have that same incredible confidence in themselves.

Kaito:  “Right!? I knew you’d get me, Mondo! Space is huge! It’s filled with the unknown! It’s a man’s passion to explore it, right!?”

Mondo:  “A man’s passion… Like the wind on ya when you’re riding your motorcycle at top speed? …Is it something like that?”

Kaito:  “That’s right! Just like that! It’s somewhere you’ll never reach if you live normally!”

Look at these manly dorks. Even though exploring space and riding a motorbike are two very different things, I like that Kaito agrees they basically both fall under the same principle – it’s about pushing the limits and doing whatever you’re most passionate about, no matter how out-there it is. Kaito’s concept of “a man’s passion” is somewhat different and more specific than just his general concept of manliness, and in his case, it’s all about that passion for SPACE. Still not inherently gendered, I might add.

(Mondo also has his own general concept of manliness, of course, and his is definitely very gendered, although there’s still a decent overlap with Kaito’s in terms of things like integrity and honour.)

Kaito:  “Hey, what’s your dream, Mondo? I bet yours is filled with fire and passion!”

Mondo:  “Nah, I… ain’t got something like that.”

Mondo does in fact have a dream – he wants to quit his bike gang and become a carpenter when he graduates. But it seems he’s embarrassed to admit that, perhaps because it doesn’t sound “fiery and passionate” enough next to Kaito’s dream of space.

Kaito:  “Really? Are you only looking at the past or something? You can’t move forward in life if you’re looking backwards, y’know?”

Some good advice and definitely something Mondo needs to hear! He is very stuck on the past and what happened to his brother, when he should be looking to the future and trying his best to move on from that.

(Also remember that Kaito lost his parents, and while that presumably wasn’t at all his fault like Daiya’s death kind of was Mondo’s fault, Kaito is still very much using his past pain to push him forwards rather than hold him back.)

Mondo:  “…”

Kaito:  “What? You don’t wanna tell me? Don’t compare your dream to mine, y’know? You’ll get scared by the size of the universe…”

Again, this is not Kaito doing a self-centred “my dream is better than yours”. In fact, it’s the opposite – he’s telling Mondo that he shouldn’t worry about comparing himself to others. Just because most people don’t have dreams as ridiculously huge and over-the-top as Kaito’s dream of space, that doesn’t make their own dream any less important if it’s something they’re equally passionate about! The example Kaito is trying to set as a luminary isn’t about inspiring everyone to literally share his goal of going to space, but rather to just be as passionate about their own goals as Kaito is about his!

Kaito:  “Then chase your dream with confidence! Don’t think your dream is too small or you’ll become small yourself!”

Mondo:  “Like hell I’d do something like that! I’m gonna be the best in the universe at my dream!”

Kaito:  “Heh, that’s what I like to hear!”

Exactly! Being a carpenter may be an ordinary job, but that doesn’t make it small and insignificant, not if it’s what Mondo’s really passionate about! And Kaito succeeded in getting Mondo to feel that way! He’s going to be the best carpenter ever!

Kaito is so good. Mondo has a lot of issues he needs to work out, and while Kaito didn’t really begin to get into any of them, he still managed to encourage Mondo to be more positive about his future. I always say that Kaito presents himself with so much overblown confidence to try and set an example for others to do the same, and here’s an instance of that very tangibly working on someone and helping them out.

As a brief interlude between the two Kaito and Mondo scenes, Mondo can end up serving Shuichi from the yakisoba stand he’s working at for the school festival in a second-year seasonal event.

Mondo:  “Thanks for coming, it’s on me!”

Shuichi:  “Hm? That’s… Are you sure?”

Mondo:  “Hey, don’t worry about it. Any buddy of that spaceman is a buddy of mine.”

Aww, Mondo really does appreciate Kaito’s encouragement! He didn’t need to make a thing of it in front of Shuichi at all – Kaito would never know or care that he hadn’t – but he did anyway. Mondo is a good guy. This kind of suggests that maybe he and Kaito have been hanging out offscreen a bit more than the one scene we saw – evidently not to full-on sidekick levels, but at least a little.

Mondo:  “He’s like a younger brother to me. Seriously, it’s on me, man.”

Shuichi:  “…So that’s what he is to you, huh? You’re both the same age, though.”

Yes, Mondo, that is definitely what he is to you. While he’s happy to show his appreciation for Kaito, Mondo doesn’t want to tarnish his tough-guy image (nobody must know how weak he really is!!!) enough to admit that really Kaito’s the one who’s helped him. Mondo is totally a born big brother figure, it’s definitely not like he was actually the little brother who adored and looked up to his big bro or anything.

Shuichi is right to be sceptical, not only because Kaito and Mondo are the same age, but also because he knows that Kaito is always the supportive figure and is highly unlikely to end up being treated like a younger brother by anyone.

Shuichi ends up insisting that he repays Mondo’s free yakisoba sometime and that he’ll bring Kaito along. The three of them hanging out would be adorable! It’s a shame we don’t get to see it.

Then, in one of Mondo’s third year winter events, he ends up bumping into Kaito on a nighttime walk. Most of the scene is just Kaito being very enthusiastic about space and confident about getting there one day.

Mondo:  “With that kinda confidence, I think you might actually make it up there…”

Kaito:  “Well of course! I’m the Ultimate Astronaut, y’know!? Everyone told me it was impossible… But the impossible is possible, all you gotta do is make it so!”

Ayyyy! Of course this is still a thing in this AU. Plus a very rare instance of Kaito referring to himself as the Ultimate Astronaut rather than the Luminary of the Stars, perhaps only because he’s literally talking about being an astronaut and going to space.

Kaito:  “You can always change your present and your future, as long as you don’t give up!”

Mondo:  “You’re right. I can’t change the past, but I can do something for the future.”

But Kaito also reiterates this advice from before, and it really does seem to have got through to Mondo and helped him move on from his brother’s death. This scene doesn’t add much, but it’s nice to underline what Kaito did for Mondo and show that it really did stick.

Kaito:  “Yeah, that’s the spirit! Do your best, even after you graduate, Mondo!”

Mondo:  “Don’t talk to me like that, I’m not one of your sidekicks…”

Heh, I like how this implies that they’ve had enough conversations for Kaito to have told Mondo plenty about his sidekicks, allowing Mondo to have figured out roughly what he really means by the word. Mondo isn’t exactly one of Kaito’s sidekicks, no, since Kaito hasn’t quite made it his personal business to help Mondo out in every single way he can… but since Kaito has helped Mondo out a little anyway, it’s not too far off from that.

It’s almost a shame we don’t get more insight into these conversations they had about Kaito’s sidekicks, because the sidekick thing is rather similar to what Mondo has been doing with Chihiro in this AU, in that Mondo’s been guiding Chihiro through physical training to help him get stronger. Mondo wouldn’t call it this, but Chihiro is effectively his sidekick in Kaito’s definition of the word!

So, even though scenes featuring only DR1 characters would otherwise not really belong in this V3 commentary, I am going to talk a little about the Mondo and Chihiro scenes here for the purposes of comparing their relationship to the one Kaito has with his sidekicks. When I say that, I mean specifically Kaito’s relationship with his sidekicks in canon, since in this AU he’s genuinely fine, but in canon he was not as strong as he was pretending to be, a lot like Mondo. And by “sidekicks” I of course mean particularly Shuichi, since he’s the one Kaito secretly looked up to and saw as already greater than himself, much like Mondo does with Chihiro. See? Similarities! But there are quite a few differences, too.

Mondo and Chihiro have two scenes together, the first a regular friendly event and the second as one of Mondo’s third year seasonal events. The first scene presumably happens not especially long after Chihiro has begun training, because it features him struggling to do even half the push-ups expected of him, while Mondo reassures him that he’s just got to keep working at it. The second scene has Chihiro remark that the exercise makes him feel refreshed, which Mondo points out is great progress when it used to make him feel sore all the time. Chihiro agrees that maybe he really has got at least a little stronger over the past three years, to the point that he’s starting to feel brave enough to tell everyone the truth about himself before they graduate.

Chihiro:  “Even though I can never be as strong as you, I’ve been doing my best… I feel like… I can tell everyone. And it’s all thanks to you, Mondo.”

Mondo:  “Hey, come on. I didn’t do anything special.”

Look at how Chihiro looks up Mondo as the perfect ideal of strength that he’ll never quite be able to reach and has no idea that Mondo has any kind of weakness. That sure is familiar.

Similarly familiar is the way Mondo feels like he barely did anything to help (because it was really all Chihiro’s own strength and hard work, right?). And yet, simply having Mondo there both as an example to strive for and as a friend so that he wasn’t doing this alone made a huge difference from Chihiro’s point of view. It only takes a nudge, but that nudge is vital! You did help him, Mondo!

Mondo:  “Besides, from the very beginning, you…”

Chihiro:  “Huh?”

Mondo:  “…Nah, nothing.”

Obviously, Mondo was about to say that he feels Chihiro has always been strong – stronger than him – but then backed out of admitting it. This is reminiscent of the part in chapter 3’s first training session in which Kaito almost admitted that Shuichi wasn’t weak like Maki was, but then caught himself and changed the subject. In Kaito’s case, though, I think he was only just starting to realise that he saw Shuichi this way and wouldn’t have known how to properly articulate it even if he’d actually tried to (because wouldn’t that mean that Shuichi was never really his sidekick and didn’t really need him at all? and NOPE nope abort let’s just not even think about that). But here with Mondo, I get the sense that he’s already been very consciously aware the whole time that Chihiro is much stronger than him and is simply unwilling to admit it to anyone but himself.

Both our pairs of training buddies have a delightful thing going on where they each look up to their friend for having a kind of strength that they lack and assume that the other is stronger than them because of it. In Kaito and Shuichi’s case, they’re both types of emotional strength: Shuichi’s ability to focus on finding the truth no matter how much it hurts, and Kaito’s ability to keep being positive and upbeat no matter how bad things get. Ultimately, they’re still basically both as strong as each other, just in different ways. But with Mondo and Chihiro, Mondo’s strength is entirely physical, while Chihiro’s strength is entirely emotional, so they’re not really comparable at all. Which means that when it comes to the more meaningful kind of strength, the emotional kind, Chihiro is just stronger than Mondo.

The problem is that Chihiro doesn’t seem to realise that emotional strength is equally if not more important than physical strength. Yet Mondo clearly does, since he knows Chihiro is stronger than him – so if only he’d tell Chihiro that! That’d have helped Chihiro realise what he really needed to be striving for, and that getting physically stronger, even if it’d help him feel more confident in himself, was not really the main point. (If Chihiro had been Kaito’s sidekick, Kaito would absolutely have made that point clear and let Chihiro know that simply by trying to change he’s already grown stronger than he was before.)

Mondo wouldn’t even have needed to mention his own emotional weakness while hypothetically telling Chihiro that emotional strength is more important, so he shouldn’t have had an inherent reason not to do so. Perhaps the issue could be that Mondo was afraid that talking to Chihiro about emotional strength would lead Chihiro to probe about Mondo’s emotional strength too and realise the truth about him.

It could also just be that Mondo wasn’t at all used to this whole having-a-“sidekick” thing. Therefore he felt that the only way he could really help was by helping Chihiro with the thing he is good at, aka physical strength, and he didn’t feel like he was qualified to talk about emotional strength at all. …Essentially what I’m trying to say here is that maybe Mondo didn’t want to talk through Chihiro’s emotional weaknesses while still refusing to admit to his own because he didn’t want to be a giant hypocrite. That’s very possible. After all, he doesn’t have Kaito’s double-standard of “but I’m the hero so it’s different for me because they need me to be strong already” that caused Kaito to not even realise his hypocrisy.

See, Mondo is hiding his weakness here simply out of weakness, that same kind of cowardice that Kaito pointed out in Maki before he convinced her to face her issues and try and change. Mondo’s just too scared to bring his weakness out into the open and have everyone know that he’s not the tough guy he claims to be and that his brother’s death was his fault.

Kaito also didn’t want to admit to his weakness out of fear of shattering the image others have of him, but that was for other people’s sake and not his own, because he was convinced that he wouldn’t be able to support Shuichi or Maki or the others any more if they knew the truth. Mondo also evidently doesn’t want Chihiro to know that he’s weak, but I feel like that’s more for his own sake, because Chihiro looking up to him so much lets him feel strong and helps him continue to hide from the weakness that he’s too scared to admit to. He seems relatively willing to admit to himself that really Chihiro would be fine without him, so it’s not that Mondo thinks revealing his weakness would cause Chihiro any problems.

Although, there is some level of selflessness in Mondo hiding his weakness – not in terms of Chihiro, but in terms of the members of his gang. They all look up to Mondo as their awesome leader who bested his big bro in a bike race (even if that ended tragically, that was Daiya’s fault for getting reckless because he was about to lose, wasn’t it?). So Mondo’s afraid that if they learn the truth and how weak he really is, the whole gang will fall apart. I’d like to believe that’s not actually the case and that his gang members are good enough bros that they’d understand and be supportive of him and still look up to him anyway even if they knew. But it’s hard to be sure of that without knowing much about what they’re like, so it’s possible that Mondo actually does have a more legitimate reason to be afraid of this than Kaito ever did.

Once Mondo and Chihiro are done training in their winter scene and Chihiro has left, Mondo has one last line to himself…

Mondo:  “I wonder… if I can change too. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as strong as you, Chihiro.”

Just admitting to that desire to change is the first step, Mondo! And with that alone, in some ways, Mondo has immediately got further than Kaito ever did in canon.

Admitting it to Chihiro would be a bigger help, though. After all, even Chihiro himself needed someone else to share his problems with in order to be able to change in the way that Mondo is admiring so much. It’s a shame that Mondo can’t even use that as inspiration to find the courage to do that himself, in order to start working on his weaknesses like he so clearly wants to do. You’d only need to tell one person to begin with, Mondo! And Chihiro would keep looking up to you for your physical strength anyway, because that’s a separate thing that you still undeniably have!

(Which was totally a different thing for Kaito, since Shuichi looked up to him for his emotional strength, so surely Kaito admitting that he’s emotionally weak would have ruined that entirely! It couldn’t possibly be that he’s still emotionally strong in some ways even if he’s weak in others and Shuichi would still have every reason to admire him – if he’s weak at all then that instantly means he’s a failure as a hero, right?)

If only Chihiro had ever learned about Mondo’s weakness one way or another, he would definitely have been able to help. Even if he wouldn’t have exactly known how to, he’s an absolute sweetheart who’d have done his best anyway to try and reassure and encourage Mondo that if even Chihiro can work to get stronger and admit his secret to everyone, surely Mondo can too!

It does seem like Mondo made some decent progress over his time at Hope’s Peak, based on this winter scene with Kaito and another one with Taka in which he openly talks about his plans to quit the gang and become a carpenter (Taka is adorably proud that he wants to put in the effort and contribute to society). That’s a little bit thanks to Kaito, but also a lot thanks to simply having friends like Chihiro and Taka and having had time to reflect on things. But if only he’d been brave enough to confess his weakness and what happened to his brother to at least just Chihiro, they could have talked about it more and Mondo could have made a lot more progress on the real root of his issues. Alas.

[bre95611]

Castiel, Anna, and Dean in Season 4: Part One

Here we go! My very first meta. This will be a 3 part series looking into the relationships between Cas and Anna, Dean and Anna, and how the two relationships parallel each other during Supernatural season 4. Quick thanks to @agusvedder for helping me with the single gif in this post, both creating it and also walking my helpless self through saving it. Also thanks to @theirprofoundbond for all the motivation and kind words of encouragement! All quotes are from the Supernatural wiki transcripts. I would love to get some feedback on this, so feel free to send me a message and let me know what you think!

The first hint we get at a previous relationship between Anna and Castiel is almost entirely visual. In 4x10 "Heaven and Hell" Anna and Dean kiss when the angels have come for her, right before the demons show up. A lot of people view this kiss as Castiel's underlying feelings for Dean coming out in a look of jealousy of Anna for kissing Dean goodbye, essentially showing Castiel that they have since established a physical relationship. I don't necessarily disagree with this reading, but I propose a different reading as well.

I do think that Cas's budding feelings for Dean are at play here, I really do. But more than that, I think it's indicative of a previous relationship between Anna and Cas. Yes there is a jealous undertone in Castiel's look. But I think it's more jealousy of Dean getting to kiss Anna than the other way around. At this point in the narrative, we are dealing with a freshly reprogrammed Castiel. There is a marked difference in his actions regarding Dean and company. His feelings and doubts have been temporarily squashed due to what we can assume from the narrative as a whole as Naomi's doing. This is not the same angel as we saw last in 4x07, baring his proverbial soul to Dean on the park benches. This is Good Little Soldier Castiel.

Castiel's reaction to the kiss reads as jealousy and confusion. I believe it is jealousy of Dean getting to say a proper farewell to Anna. Some confusion as well because subconsciously he is also jealous of Anna getting to kiss Dean at all. I believe his blossoming feelings for Dean are still there, just buried too deep for him to realize it. However, reading this nearly famous Destiel scene only really makes sense in this context in later episodes, after seeing more evidence of a previous Castiel/Anna relationship.

The very next scene we get plays out as follows:

CASTIEL: I'm sorry.

ANNA: No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling.

CASTIEL: Still, we have a history. It's just --

ANNA: Orders are orders. I know. Just make it quick.

At this point, we already know that Anna was previously Castiel's superior officer. The textual reading of this scene is that commanding officer and subordinate relationship is the history Castiel is referring to. If you look at it through a different lens, Cas "served under her" in a different way entirely. I know its established that Anna is a virgin, but I don't think that a lack of a sexual relationship can discredit a romantic undertone to their "history". Now we all know Uriel is a scumbag, but he served under Anna all the same. So why is Cas given the spotlight during this scene? At this point, he isn't a major character. He's only had a bit more screen time than Uriel. I think this is to give the audience a feeling of Cas and Anna having a more invested relationship with the each other than she had with Uriel before she fell.

Another point to draw from this scene is Anna saying Cas doesn't know the feeling. She has been gone from Heaven for just over 20 years at this point. SO even though we know Castiel has been experiencing emotions and doubts, Anna has no way of being privy to that information, assuming him to still be a Good Little Soldier. I'll come back to this later.

NOW. Let's jump forward a few episodes. In 4x16 "On the Head of a Pin" Anna and Castiel have a conversation alone, when Dean is preparing to torture Alastair for information on who has been killing angels. And there's a lot to unpack there. Let's start with when she first shows up.

CASTIEL: You shouldn't be here. We still have orders to kill you.

ANNA: Somehow I don't think you'll try. Where's Uriel?

We have to ask ourselves WHY doesn't she think he'll try? The last interaction between the two of them makes it clear that she still thinks Cas is Heaven's hammer, "Orders are orders, I know." The viewer gets the benefit of being able to piggy back onto the previous conversation Cas and Dean had, where Cas confesses to Dean his superiors believed him to be experiencing emotions, the "doorway to doubts". But last time we see Anna and Cas interact, we see that she doesn't believe he can feel. So what can we draw from that? It has been established that they have history, which we all believe to be them working together. BUT would just working together cause Cas to disobey an order from Heaven? No. If anything, it would make it EASIER for him to follow through on the orders he was given to kill her, since she knows he has no choice but to comply. She had already made Cas aware that she knows he has no choice but to do Heaven's bidding. This change in her, originally KNOWING Cas had no choice but to follow orders to now, where she doesn't think he'll even try begs the question, WHAT'S DIFFERENT? Cas had an audience. He had Uriel there, who would no doubt follow through if Cas couldn't. Who would sell him out to his superiors if he couldn't kill her or tried to let her go free. This is only further proven by her follow up question, inquiring Uriel's whereabouts.

Cas follows almost all his orders from Heaven, the only ones he disobeys or, at the least, disagrees with that we have seen thus far is when it involves Dean, someone he has a profound bond with. SO what if he has a different type of profound bond with Anna? Something a little less profound obviously, but a significant relationship all the same. Throughout the show, we only ever see Cas betraying Heaven for those he loves and cares for. His intentions are always pure, albeit overwhelmingly misguided. It can be argued that she is his sister, but I don't think that really cuts it. I think in just this one scene, it could be viewed that way, but when you look at this show as a whole, it just isn't enough.

After Anna brings up to Castiel that it might not be God calling the shots anymore we have this:

ANNA: The father you love. You think he wants this? You think he'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous?

CASTIEL can't meet her eyes.

ANNA: What you're feeling? It's called doubt.

This is really only notable because of how much more qualified Anna is to make this observation than basically anyone because she herself has felt that. It is also her first acknowledgment that Castiel is beginning to feel things. It continues with this:

ANNA touches CASTIEL's hand.

ANNA: These orders are wrong and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still-”

CASTIEL: Together?

CASTIEL yanks his hand away.

CASTIEL: I am nothing like you. You fell. Go.

ANNA: Cas.

CASTIEL: Go.

First of all, I will fight you if you think that hand touch is platonic. No way. Don't believe you. Beyond that though, this whole exchange screams lovers' quarrel to me. "You're afraid, Cas" is Anna further acknowledging Castiel's burgeoning feelings. "I was too" is calling back to her falling. She was scared to make the decision to rebel. The ultimate end to their relationship was Anna choosing to fall. Castiel pulls his hand away when she says "together" and that is the part he repeats and gets hung up on. He reacts as if her suggesting they do something together is almost a betrayal. Perhaps because the last time she suggested they do something together (like fall?) she didn't wait for him. She did it on her own. He gets hung up on her word choice because he can't believe they could do anything together again. This reading of the scene is furthered when we take into account what Anna says before Cas cuts her off. "We can still." The writers allowing the word "still" to be said is IMPORTANT. If she had just said "we can", the viewer can read into that a new beginning. Together, we can rebel. Together, we can change Heaven. BUT that "still". That implies a conversation had countless times before. We can still do what we had planned to do. You can still what, Anna? Still fall together? Still rebel together? Still follow the plan you two had set up before you fell without him?

Now, Cas's verbal response is just as important. "I am nothing like you. You fell." speaks to their differences being that she took action, not that he doesn't feel that way too. At this point, it has already been established that he DOES feel the same way as she does and did. And honestly, up until the "together, we can still" it seemed like she was gaining ground with our favorite angel. It was that reminder that there is no longer a "together" for them, the reminder that they can pick up where they left off, that she lost him. The reminder of their history is where their differences lie. They are just alike in their beliefs. Cas is nothing like her in the sense that he didn't fall. That he didn't do anything about how he feels/felt. The whole scene reads like a generically written past lovers fight where one person says "you left, not me" or "you changed, not me", but in the context of the show we get "you fell, not me."

Flash forward a couple of scenes. Cas has just learned that it is URIEL that is killing the angels. What an asshole, amirite? After learning this world shattering news, Cas calls for Anna.

CASTIEL: Anna. Anna, please.

The streetlight above CASTIEL flickers. He looks up, then turns around.

ANNA: Decided to kill me after all?

CASTIEL; I'm alone.

ANNA: What do you want from me, Castiel?

CASTIEL: I'm considering disobedience.

ANNA nods.

ANNA: Good.

CASTIEL: No, it isn't. For the first time, I feel...

ANNA: It gets worse. Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying.

ANNA puts her hand on CASTIEL's shoulder. He looks at it; she drops it.

ANNA: That's right. You're too good for my help. I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy.

ANNA turns to walk away.

CASTIEL: Anna.

ANNA stops.

CASTIEL: I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do.

ANNA turns back.

ANNA: Like the old days? No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself.

ANNA vanishes.

Now, I will be calling back to this scene in regards to the relationship Dean and Cas have, since this scene follows Sam and Cas talking at the hospital while Dean is injured. (Spoiler alert: the disobedience Cas is considering is to save Dean, big surprise, yeah?) But, its also important in regards to the Cas/Anna relationship as well. Cas calls for Anna because he knows she has felt all this before. He knows that if anyone can give him direction, its going to be someone that has experienced it all before. But once again, she tries to establish physical connection with him, and Cas is wholeheartedly NOT about it. The scenes from this episode between the two of them SCREAM old girlfriend trying to get back with her ex boy to me. As someone previously involved in a lengthy on again/off again relationship, maybe I'm reading too much of my own experiences into it, but I just really don't think so. This is a bit too on the nose for that. Even Anna's response feels like that to me. "I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy." It's her saying, oh I see, I forgot, you're too good for me. Using self-deprecation to try and score some pity points. I see you, girl. I see what you're trying to do. Cas steers the conversation back to what he originally called on her for, direction in regards to his feelings.

And Anna, little red-headed fire pistol that she is, fires back with some sass. "Like the old days? No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself." Now, textually, we can view this as her referring to when she was his superior. But with all this evidence of a previous relationship, and the implications of their conversation when Dean was torturing Alastair ("we can still") gives the subtextual reading of the "old days" referring to when they had likely begun talking/planning of rebelling and falling together.

Now if we view Anna as a past relationship of Castiel's, it makes all of season 4 way more Destiel centered. Perpetuating the idea the Destiel was always intended. Granted, Castiel was only originally going to be in a handful of episodes. I think 3 tends to be what I've heard the most. Now if that's the case, we can make the assumption that episode 7 was not originally going to have Cas, and neither was episode 10 or 11. Which makes the argument even more compelling, since, as you will see in the third installment, Anna and Dean's relationship is basically Destiel up until that point smashed down in to a 2 episode arc. Stay tuned, kids!

Part 2 is now available here!

[darling-blurbs]

Why Aren’t You Scared of Me? Prologue

(This will turn into a series. I promise you. Also, This is a BNHA OC Story and won’t go with the right order of events. I am going off of the wiki pages and some fanfics I read. I only watch a bit of the first season recently and forgot things also will not be word for word but I am trying to find all the transcripts I can find. This is episodes 1 + 2. I’ll start 2 + 3 tomorrow. Also my spelling is trash as well as my grammar so if it’s bad in those areas, I know. )

Summary: Esther Osoro is an enigma. She was born to two wealthy pro-heroes who seemed dissatisfied with the female. Her quirk was more of a villain then a hero but again she had so many that they made it into one. This is the beginning of the most powerful person in the world.

Warnings: Swearing, Murder, Death, Gore.

_

Esther was happy. She finally realized what all of those voices were and she was quick to talk about it to her elder brothers, who were all named after famous gods as well as not being related to her ‘mother’ and ‘father’. The Quirk Doctor was surprised that her DNA held so many quirks that he told her parents that they made it into a whole category in of itself called Fear Raiser. 

“You Monster!” Her parents didn’t seem so happy when they got home. Esther heard their conversations of giving her up for adoption for the words she spilled. 

[Background on this young girl’s quirk:

Fear Raiser: A combination of multiple quirks. The most powerful of them all is Fear. Fear as a Quirk makes the user hear others fears and can create them. The user can also make it an illusion and use other people’s fear. Example of this is if the user is fighting someone who is scared of losing someone and the user can’t create them so they create a thunderstorm as someone else that is near or that they previously met is scared of thunder or the lighting. The User can also turn into that fear, but it does have it limitations. If someone’s fear is someone dying or themself dying, she cannot make that person die or the victim die unless she is not IN CONTROL. Ahem. Sorry. Anyways, another Quirk of her’s is Life or Animalia. They are close enough that they were included. Life makes her able to make plants grow or wilt. She can make vines appear if she wishes. Animalia gives her more power to become any animal, fictional or not so fiction. It doesn’t have to be someone’s fear. The next one is Angel. She can make beautiful black angel wings appear from her back. It also is very strong in that sense and is unbreakable. The last one is Black Sand. It is another Fear based quirk where she can make black sand appear. Think of Pitch Black Sand and then the villain in Big Hero 6 hand movements and replace the little robots with black sand and you got her last quirk.]

“We can’t set her up for adoption! That would tarnish our rep!” Her mother would always scream. Her father would whisper something that seemed like a good idea.

Faster than her 3 year old mind could realize what was happening, Esther was held up by the throat by her father. Her father had the quirk of strength which was not helping the young girl. 

“Once you die, we can have a normal hero life without the worry of your horrid quirks. We will cry to the press saying that we tried to calm you down once you became berserk!” Her mother’s eyes twinkled. Unlike their daughter, the ‘father’ had green eyes and brown hair while his wife was blonde with pink eyes. 

Esther looked nothing like any of her ‘family’. She sported black hair and icy blue eyes. Both her ‘parents’ side looked all the same. Brown hair, green eyes, blonde hair, pink eyes. Their quirks were passed down each gen no flaws until their ‘daughter’ was born. 

Maybe I should be controlling you. Will you let me out Blue? 

The voice was back. Esther knew who it was. It wasn’t Fear Raiser quirk. It was her other catagorized quirk. She nodded as she lost breathe confusing her parents. 

Thanks Blue. Let Red Handle THIS!

Her previously blue eyes changed to red quickly as Red took control. Her ‘father’ faltered in his grip as Red took that as a chance to use her quirk. 

“Hell Raiser.” Red whispered as her hand landed on the husband and erupted in flames. The man screamed and let go. He tried to shake his arm to put out the fire as his wife tried using her water quirk to put the flames out. No luck.

Red chuckled darkly as she lifted her head with her black hair covering one eye. “You can’t put it out old man! It is Hell Fire after all!” All of a sudden her body erupted in flames making the wife scream.

Red stepped out of the flames with devil horns and a devil tail with dragon-like wings. “Maybe you should have double-checked with the doctor before you left you BITCH!” 

The wife ran at the little girl who seemed a little taller. Red chuckled when she was pierced with a water spear through her stomach. Red ripped it out and the hole started to become whole again but not before some black substance dripped out. Red used her hand to get some of the black substance on her entire hand. 

She used it to create a weapon, scythe in fact. It looked like it was dripping but it quickly solidified at it’s master’s command. “Now let’s fight you asshole!” She smiled showing her sharp teeth. 

After a few minutes, Red yawned after she realized this women would not give up. She looked at the blonde female who was bleeding, had a broken right arm that was bent the opposite way, and a clean, chopped off left arm. 

“You know, I’m getting bored and I’m getting tired so I’ll just set this place on fire,” Red pondered this. Red had not a scratch on her, thanks to her multiple quirks. 

The blonde looked straight up at her. “No! Please! We didn’t mean to hurt you!”

Red growled. “You meant to hurt her! She told me how she was scared that you would hurt her and look at what you did! You made me ANGRY!” 

Red erupted in flames again that quickly dispursed around the entire mansion. The screams of the blonde was muffled by the demons that Red summoned. Like how Esther could summon Fears, Red could summon demons and ghosts from the depths of hell.

She walked away from the scene and snapped her fingers making the fire grow stronger in it’s power before going away entirly. The only thing left was ash. No bones as her power was enough to cremate one, no matter how fast. 

--

“Are you sure it’s alright if I stay?” A few days later and a bunch of explaining, Esther was with her brothers. Her real brothers. Apparently those people she called her ‘parents’ were fillers just so the girl could have a life and not be restrained up in heaven, hell, and the afterlife. 

“We said yes a million times Esther,” Loki sighed. Loki, everyone knows him. Norse God of Mischief among other things. 

“Don’t say it that way Loki,” Satan growled. Satan is the devil obviously but not the only one-

“It would be amazing if you stayed little sis!” Lucifer said. Lucifer was the other devil, or really servant of his older brother. He was the ‘next in line’.

God silently nodded as Jesus said Jesus like the meme he tried so hard to be. 

--

“My name is Esther Osoro, but you can call me Esther!” Esther said with confidence to the little boys. One with ash blonde hair while the other had green hair.

Keep these boys. They are adorable.

“I’m Izuku Midoriya and this is Kacchan!” the green haired boy exclaimed. Even though flustered by the sudden appearance of this girl, he always was open to new friends. 

“Can I call you Broccoli?” 

“Huh?” The sudden question broke the boy into a stuttering mess. 

“I call him Deku but Broccoli is a good one,” The ash blonde spoke for once since the girl approached them. “And why are you with us? Don’t girls play with dolls and have cooties?”

Esther giggled making both boys blush, one more than the other since his determination and confidence would not let his do so. “Well, I thought you guys seemed like true heroes and good knights! Maybe you could protect me?” 

Izuku and Katsuki nodded their head and shined with determination. “We will protect you!” They smiled at each other as they ran off. 

--

“Kacchan, w-why are you doing this?” A young Izuku looked up at his former best friend. Katsuki got his quirk recently and became popular quickly. Sometimes fame can get to your head. 

He started bulling Izuku but haven’t been caught by their little angel as she was on a week trip to China. No one asked why but she was coming back that morning.

“Because I can’t be friends with a quirkless person!” Maybe that is what made the angel appear.

Kicking Katsuki to the ground was not something Esther wanted to do, neither was using a bit of her quirk but what Katsuki said sent butterflies of rage to consume her. Did we forget to mention that was part of her quirk. Little butterflies that appeared when she was feeling a very very strong emotion. 

Katsuki looked up at the girl, whose black hair swayyed in the wind. His goons were laying on the ground around them, he never noticed her hurting them. 

“What do you think you are doing to him?”

Red’s demonic voice mixed with Esther’s making it seem distorted. Like a glitched voice that a hacker would use to mask their own. Katsuki was scared. No that was an understatement. He was terrified. The girl’s eyes weren’t their icy blue but a mix of red and blue, swirling pools of pure rage. 

“K-Kacchan didn’t mean it Bunny. H-He was joking around,” Izuku stood up to his little angel who seemed more demonic than angel like. Esther/Red wipped around to see a teary eyed Izuku. Her red/blue eyes widen in realization as the red faded leave the blue eyes that Izuku and Katsuki loved to look at. 

“I-I am sorry I lost my temper then. I hope you can forgive me,” She bowed to Katsuki as she lifted him off the ground. “But that doesn’t mean that I forgive you.” Esther growled before walking away, with Izuku’s hand in her own. 

Katsuki glared at the joined hands before glaring at the floor. “She didn’t even see my quirk...” Katsuki growled. 

--

Ah Middle School... That Esther was currently late for. After the incident when they were younger, Katsuki tried to redeem himself to his former best friend. She let him do that until she finally forgave him. Of course Katsuki still bullied Izuku but not as much. The beating weren’t noticable and Esther was fine as long as Izuku wasn’t in pain. She saw how Katsuki would feel and took it into consideration as she walked with him on a few days, unlike today. 

Esther ran into class with her juice box in mouth. The teacher looked up from the chalkboard to get ready to yell at whoever the person that was late but shut his trap once he realized who it was. Esther’s quirk was not well known, noting that Izuku and Katsuki don’t even know if she even has one/know what it is, but the adults fear it. Funny as her quirk is fear. 

“Sorry I am late my dude. I had to deal with my crusty dusty brothers this morning,” Esther said as she strolled to her desk that was in front of Izuku’s and next to Katsuki’s. 

“It’s fine Osoro. We were just going to talk about everyone’s future,” The teacher said. He blabbed on before saying something about quirks. Katsuki was being quiet when he said something about how everyone wanted to be heroes.

Now that Esther thought about it, both of them were being silent. She was now very very worried at the silence until she was jump scared by everyone using their quirks. 

“Hey Teach, don’t let me in with these bunch of losers. I'm the real deal but these guys will be lucking to be a sidekick to some busted deal lister. Ha!“ Katsuki said with pride as Esther rolled her eyes. The normal, ‘I’ll fight you and be number 1′ was now a normal thing to the young female.

The class screamed at him and he countered. The teacher said something about his test results and the rest of the class said something about him going to UA. Esther was going to UA no matter what she did. Either she would ace the test, or if she didn’t she would be recommended by her best friend and brother from another family.

Then the teacher said something that Esther almost stood up and used her quirk for, “ Oh Yeah, Midoriya, don't you want to go to UA too?” And everyone started laughing and mocking him until they heard a chair slam through the window. They all turned to the source and shrinked away to see Esther glaring at all of them. 

“I think you forgot me Teach. I am going to ace them. As the person in this class with the most intelligence as well as the most powerful, I might as well just Thanos snap you all right here,” the student cowered while Katsuki and Izuku stared at their best friend, thankful they are not the student right now. 

“W-What is your quirk anyways?” A male student asked. Esther whipped around to glare at the student. 

“Well, that ain’t any of your concern you sad excuse of a person? Because you are not going to be a hero,” Esther stated as she snapped her fingers, making a black chair make of ink, appear from stains on the floor to create a regular chair. She moved her hand as the window repaired itself with black ink until it was normal.

“Continue teach,” Esther said with an innocent smile.

--

Of course after her outburst, only Katsuki would yell at Izuku after, as he knows Esther won’t scream at him.

After class ended, Esther turned in her desk. “I heard there is a Sludge Monster somewhere and All Might put a stop to it.” Esther’s face was practically touch Izuku’s but not so much that their breathes mingled. 

Izuku blushed profusely at the closeness of his best friend. “I-I’ll write that down in my notebook Bunny. Be s-sure to wait for me!” Esther giggled as she stood up. 

She ruffled her friend’s hair and waved at him as she left the doorway. She stood outside the school entrance. She knew Izuku made her leave so she wouldn’t have to see Katsuki hurt him again. Esther’s black wings erupted from her back as she flew to the window that was conveniently open. She watched as Katsuki used his explosion quirk on Izuku’s book and threw it out the window.  

Esther dove for the book before it landed in the fountain. She flew back up to the window as Katsuki threatened Izuku about applying.

“I don’t think that is very nice,” Esther crawled in through the window. 

All of the boys in the room watched as the angel wings shrinked back into the female’s back. “Threatening someone for their hard work is a low, even for you Kacchan.” 

Katsuki rolled his eyes. “What do you want bitch?” His mask was faltering the longer she was around and her smirk confirmed she knew it. “I am trying to have a lovely talk with Deku.”

Esther hums and snaps her fingers, making one of his goons flinch while the other one let out a squeak. 

So they know who we are. Why don’t Broccoli and Kacchan know?

Eh. I don’t want anything. I just promised Broccoli I would let him see All Might as I am his best friend. All Might I mean. Oh you didn’t know. Ya I know you love him sweetheart but-

She couldn’t say that so she instead said, “I have a date with him today and we are running late to our reservations.” Katsuki and Izuku choked while the goons said nothing as their boss seemed more angry until he heard her voice in his head. 

‘What I am saying, is just let him fucking go or I will hurt these goons and never talk to you again. I’m not going on a date with Broccoli so don’t worry.’ Katsuki relaxed to that and let Izuku go. He glared at Izuku before turning to Esther. 

“You win this time dipshit. But next time, have a better lie prepared.” Katsuki turned and left the room. 

Izuku turned to his best friend, “Wahhhh! You didn’t need to say that out-”

“I told Kacchan to fuck off in his head so I don’t hurt his popularity. Don’t worry Broccoli. Kacchan wouldn’t do shit and if he heard that we were actually dating, he would murdered them.” Esther giggled at Izuku’s expression which held confusion. 

“What is your quirk?” Esther shrugged. 

“A story for another day... You want to get out of here now?” Izuku nodded as they walked out of the school. Izuku went one way as Esther went the opposite. Katsuki waited in the shadows and lifted himself off the wall as he began to walk with Esther, but far away with his goons. He did this whenever he had his so called ‘friends’. 

Esther heard them talk trash before she heard a gurgling noise and a scream of villain. Esther’s eyes flashed red as she turned to see Katsuki consumed by a villain. 

“It’s a monster!” Someone screamed. Esther’s anger only intestified. 

What the hell are you doing? Let’s roast this popsicle stand!

Esther’s ears picked up another voice saying a kid was there. When Esther saw Izuku, her entire body screamed to help, so she did. Fuck the no power rule, she was going to murder the police if they said it one more time.

She ran onto the scene, using her black sand to use as a way to get there faster. 

Water is scary but strong force is worse

“Gotcha,” She whispered as Izuku’s eyes widen at the sight of his best friend. Going to scream at her to get out of there until she lifted her hand in the middle of the field of flames. Her hand was outstreched towards the sky with her hand done. 

Suddenly, A blur of something passed and grabbed her hand. “All Might!” Izuku exclaimed. 

“Never fear for I am here!” He said, while holding Esther’s hand which she seemed to be doing something with. He turned to Esther “What shall we do Young Esther.” 

Esther lifted her head, “Detroit Smash!” She said in unsion with All Might as he punched the villain, secretly using her hand as a power source so he could keep his form longer. 

--

The heroes were scolding Izuku and praising Katsuki yet seemed to be sympathetic with Esther, asking if her quirk was doing it’s withdrawls again. 

-Flashback-

“This is Esther Osoro. She told us that her parents tried to kill her so she used her other quirk.”

“She has another quirk?” All Might, or Toshinori Yagi, asked the officer. He nodded. 

“She has two quirks that are actually multiple in one. The first one is named Fear Raiser with the quirks Fear, Black Sand, Angel, and Life or Animalia. The Second one was what caught my attention. When the doctor was checking for quirks, they said they saw another form or creature. Apparently, the Second Quirk is someone else entirely-”

“Like another entity?” Shota Aizawa asked suprisingly awake from his nap. 

“Yes. Before they had a chance to check the first time, her parents became odd at the sound of her first quirk and left quickly with her. Now that we have her here and at least alive, the doctors ran it again to find out the quirk is called Hell Raiser.”

“Not a very appealing title,” Midnight stated.

“It isn’t meant to be. Hell Raiser is a very scary and powerful quirk. It consists of four or five quirks. When Hell Raiser, or Red as Osoro calls it, is in control, her eyes turn red. Red isn’t like Osoro and instead is more scary than sweet like her ‘master’.”

“Master? Why do you say master?” Enji Todoroki asked. Now he was interested. A potential quirk user who could make a very powerful quirk with his son? He was already thinking quirk marraige when he said two quirks but realizing they were a front for a bunch of different quirks screamed ‘I will surpass All Might without trying.’

“Red only listens to Osoro. Before Red... Possessed? Esther’s body, she asked permission. Red only appears if either Esther let’s her or if Esther is in a state of weakness. If Esther is scared or weakened phsyically, Red will come out and show hell.”

“What are the quirks in her Hell Raiser Quirk?” Yagi asked. 

“There is Devil’s Sister, I didn’t name these, which means she can summon demons from the depths of hell as well as use something called Hell Fire, which cannot be tamed unless she snaps her fingers or commands it too. She can also make devil horns and a devil type tail appear of her with dragon like wings from her back. The second one is Toxic Kiss where she can kiss someone and control them. The only way to get out of this state is if you are kissed in the spot that she kissed-”

“Kinky-”

“The third one is Fire Dancer, where she may dance and fire is left there. Osoro can also use this quirk but it isn’t hers. Another quirk that Osoro also shares with Red is Black Ink. It has multiple uses but is mostly used to create objects. It mends all types of object except organs, which is the next quirk. Black Blood is not something Osoro shares with Red. Black Black mends Red’s wounds as well as other’s if she smears it on them. It can also be used as a weapon on command. The last one is Death which let’s Red see people’s death dates. If she kills them later in life, she cannot see them. There is always changes in people’s death and how they will perish. What I mean is that she can also see how they die. She can also make darkness consume places but there isn’t much on that.”

“Not so Kinky,” Midnight whined. 

“Well, we need to make her feel comfortable. Her parents almost killed her!” Yagi said as he looked at the said girl who seemed lost in thought.

That day forward, all of the heroes heard of the girl and her abilties as well as feats and promised to protec her at all costs.

-Flashback End-

Esther walked away from the scene and heard running footsteps behind her. She knew it was Kacchan’s from the scent of smoke filling her lungs. She guessed his conversation with Broccoli ended. 

She slowed down as Katsuki caught up to her. She paused when he put himself in front of her. She tilted her head before he wrapped his arms around her waist. She was small but enough to be cuddly. 

She heard his sobs as he broke down in her arms that were quick to wrap around him. He nuzzled his face into the girl’s neck. 

“I-It was so scary... I w-was so scared and I-I didn’t know what to do.” Katsuki poured his emotions out to the small girl. She kissed the side of his neck and whispered how she was there and she helped him.

After a while of standing in the middle of the street, Katsuki pulled away with such hesitance that he almost never let go. Esther stood on her tippy toes to wipe away his tears and give him a peck on the cheek. His outbursts of tears were normal to her. She was the only one he cried in front of other than his mother one day when he was little. 

“You did well Kacchan. You tried your hardest to fight back and it was beautiful,” Esther smiled at the boy who seemed confused at her random praise. 

“But, Fucking Deku came and almost got himself killed and then you were there and-” Katsuki widened his eyes. “And All Might knew you.” He whipped his head to his best friend who look anywhere but his red eyes. “You know All Might! Since when!”

“Since I was like 3. He is like an older brother to me. I was never kidding about autographs.” Esther chuckled as they started walking home with Katsuki chattering about random shit and Esther mindlessly nodding.

Author’s Note: I might remember to write again but this series is what I call ‘Me writing a story with no plot.’ Hope you like it and it will be more exciting later. There is an alteration of a million things such as placement of people in 1A and how the seating will be weird since there will be one extra as everyone in that school is equally important (Even Mineta). There isn’t one set love interest but I am trying to lean towards Bakahoe. I like him, todoroki, hitoshi, and monoma so I rlly don’t know. Maybe this will turn out to be a Esther X 1A, 1B and Villains (Because I will put some villains who are attracted to her second quirk)