#like seriously wtf. it feels like she's not listening to me and it's really stressing me out

[practically-an-x-man]

dogsitting lady. is not listening to me

[themicrowaveart]

Yu Yu Hakusho Random Headcannons

because I love this series too much 🫶

• If lockdown ever came to these guys, I feel like Yusuke would be the type to stay inside and play video games with Kuwabara.

• You will 101% hear this man scream from his room thousands of cuss words as he does his gaming.

• Why do I feel like Yusuke would be really into games like Overwatch and Valorant and had to beg his mom to buy it for him but she couldn’t.

• So yk what he did? He begged Koenma. All he had to do was kick demon ass.

• Yusuke is most likely to forget putting on a damn mask when he does out.

• “It looks nerdy”

• Meanwhile, Kuwabara would just be playing with his cat and watch cat videos while in quarantine and Shizuru is just contemplating on why she couldn’t smoke anymore due to the lockdown.

• No, like seriously, Kuwabara would be spending the whole day with his cat without a damn.

• Unless he brought Yukina over and his whole attention would be diverted to her.

• He’d be having a mental breakdown on why he couldn’t see Yukina anymore cuz he’s trapped in his damn house.

• Most likely doesn’t know how to use Zoom properly, if you’re ever in an online class with this dude he’ll have his mic unmuted and won’t know about it.

• Kurama on the other hand would be so calm about the entire lockdown and pandemic thing.

• I mean this guy is so fcking calm what did y’all expect

• He would most likely consume his time by gardening, reading or just doing anything that’s productive.

• This man meditates frfr

• Kurama has garden gnomes and you CANNOT fight with me on that.

• He’s most likely to wear his FULL uniform while attending online class.

• Other students would just wear their top uniform cuz this is online class we’re talking about, but Kurama just goes full effort and puts his pants on too.

• Hiei would be absolutely unaffected by the pandemic.

• I mean he’s a demon—

• He’d just walk into the Human World and then see everyone with masks and the streets almost empty and he’d be like “wtf”

• If that was the case, the first place he’d go to is to Kurama’s

• And then Kurama would give him a full briefing on the pandemic

• And Hiei just calls everyone pathetic for dying to something you couldn’t even see with the naked eye and lists it down on his long ahh list on “why humans are pathetic”

• Yusuke would most likely make a gc with these guys because he’s bored asf in quarantine

• The gc would consist of Yusuke and Kuwabara doing the most random crap and memes.

• Kurama is the group’s therapist frfr

• I can already imagine Kurama and Kuwabara in a video call with Kuwabara ranting on why he can’t see Yukina because of lockdown and Kurama just listening intently.

• Koenma is obv stressing out because demons are out doing shenanigans and the spirit detective is trapped in his damn house.

• Kurama is most likely to send those fancy “Good morning” GIFs in the gc.

• I can imagine Hiei in a videocall with Kurama and Hiei is constantly choppy because who tf can find good wifi in Demon World?

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[youranxiousnerd]

Showtime Thoughts

bc i am in love with julia lester

spoilers below

First off, why is this episode so short?

ngl i forgot mazzara was a regular

ricky ded besties

awww nina and the letters 

she looks very good in her dress

ashlyn and ricky look so good

“We’re screwed!”

ash and ricky are too funny like where were they this season?

chaotic and pretty best friends

sidenote, why did they go see north high’s production? 

oh my god ricky and nina are talking

SEBLOS IN THE BACKGROUND

i am taking what i can get

RICKYS FACE WITH THE CARD!!!!!!!!

my favorite part of the episode

his makeup looks very good

he looks very good

as @organic-guacamole said, he is very pretty

its been like three minutes and it already is so chaotic

yessss kourtney’s mom!!!

so howie and kourt are fine? gah since when?

“look for the shortest fork” mood

I CANNOT TAKE EJ SERIOUSLY HE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGRY BIRD

big bird ej comin at you

oh

PORTWELL DATE

wait isnt this ejs last show? is he going to miss his last afterparty for a date?

true love bitches

GINA MY LOVE

“Is he with us?”

NORTH HIGH SET OUR BEST BOI ANTOINE ON FIRE APS GET READY

seb being a supportive boyfriend is everything i needed

jenny is frazzled

i love how all the techie turned actors are nervous at some point during the episode

REDLYN CONTENT

awww thats so cute love the callback!!!

ooo howie is here

love how the writers leave a cliffhanger and then close the book before it turns to tragedy with one line

mazzara and ej, thats it

jenn what

why is mike there?

that was so unnecessary like aren’t mike and jenn over?

LILY

“did we forget to build a moat around the school” 

let ricky be single challenge

she just said “lol” i cant

props to ricky for keeping calm during the show after he saw mike and jenn

ah so lily is a child of divorce?

“lily scram”

RICKY AFTER THE CURTAIN OPENS WHY IS THIS FUNNY

STOP MAZZARA IS THE VOICE OVER

HE SOUNDS REALLY GOOD

how did ricky do that so fast-

put on gloves over the cast, makeup, and a mask?

i dont work with costumes 

AMERICA EXPLAIN

The one scene we get from the show...

Yay Steph!!!!

“Big Red has not thrown up in twenty minutes” ashlyn’s little smile

“she heard wrong”

someone please explain how spotlighting the judge is a good idea it makes it seem like things went wrong

“Carlos is a seasoned professional” honey carlos is on the verge of a mental breakdown

“He says help

Communication

Seb translating for Carlos is beautiful dramatic, yes, but im right. 

im so proud of them. they go from not talking for a week to seb being able to tell how carlos is feeling based off a stoic expression.

SOULMATE SHIT

IM SORRY NO BOP TO THE TOP CALLBACK

LIKE NONE

WHO WANTS TO RIOT WITH ME?!?!

wait so carlos goes from on the verge of a mental breakdown to full on performing and speaking?!?!?!? Speaking well too, not stumbling.

he looks so comfortable on stage when not even ten minutes ago he looked like he was going to vomit?

h e l p

ashlyn’s little laugh!

NINI IS A FORK IM LAUGHING THIS IS GREAT

big red lookin’ at his girl

ricky what are you doing?

ASHLYN AND GINA

I QUIT THEY’RE ADORABLE

GET IT KOURTNEY

howie’s little mouth drop

i cant with sebs costume i should not be laughing how is he able to do a kick line

ASHLYN MY LOVE

be our guest was enjoyable. it had a lot of moving parts. frankie and dara sounded really good. it’ll probably grow on me the more i listen to it.

is it just me or did be our guest lack some energy?

NATIALIE IS SO AGGRESSIVE

awww gina bb

portwell!!

“my mom sent me jordan fisher”

big red and ricky!!!

...what is big red doing? has he been faking sick?

“PLEASE EVERYONE REMAIN IN THE SAME ROLE YOU STARTED IN” 

BEST LINE OF THE SEASON OMFG 

alright what the hell is up with howie?!?

kourtney is so excited and then downer howie comes to ruin it

nina just write “thanks for being the best bro and glad youre not dead”

btw kourtney and gina look really good in their costumes

ASHLYN!!!!

SHES SO PRETTY THANK YOU

redlyn!!

gina and jamie!!! 

he looks so proud

glad gina gets to see her family!

cute scene, jordan is a nice addition!

RICKY AND THE BOWL

julia lester is killing it with the vocals

big red is so in love

seb bouncing in the costume 

“she’s never looked at me that way before” evil smirk

PORTWELL GLANCES

my heart fricking stopped when carlos went on stage 

being early on your cue/missing is awful would highly not recommend

a bop to the top callback after this would have been perfect

those harmonies!!

THEYRE SO IN LOVE

ummm phone call?

CHIPS BIG SCENE

...why wasn’t seb cogsworth? 

alright that was really good. everyone (even the backup) sounded really good. portwell rights! ashlyn rights! kowie rights! acting rights! 

so mazzara and jamie?

Ashlyn is the perfect Belle fight me

“Eat it Zackey Roy!” how about “yay kiddos, nice job!”

ej’s little dance

“bc you’re ginas brother” 

he is enamored by her it is adorable

EJ CASWELL RIGHTS

“hey, jordan fisher, would you like to f up one of three stableish ships in hsmtmts?” “sure, im in!”

ej!!!

aww hopefully he doesnt take the conversation too heart. they both like each other so much.

Portwell is so enjoyable to watch.

return of the bro

ej go get your girl dont worry about her brother please

SOMEONE TOUCHED THE PROPS

all hands on deck

“Can you just jump off something high”

I seem to remember Ricky falling from something high last episode, is that correct? 

She tells this to one of her most UNSTABLE kids

Oh shit

Miss. Jenn

Wtf

like what the actually hell

look at the kids faces they’re heartbroken

Miss. Jenn why. You’re stressed about the show, but you’re not performing it. They are. They have to worry about lines and cues and pitches, not you. Miss. Jenn has literally gone at the kids this season. Opening night speech too Ash and Ricky, shutting Seb down, that comment. She has become obsessed with the Menkies and North High. It has gotten really bad. These kids have put everything into this show, even their relationships (both platonic and romantic) and that is how you repay them? 

I didn’t think they would address this, I lost hope after last week but I am so glad they’re going too.

Someone send Seb after Miss. Jenn please, let him rip into her, he would do very well.

Miss. Jenn is supposed to be the role model and she just told a kid to jump off something high.

nina has been a godsend this episode, props to her!

haven’t been the biggest nini fan this season (off and on for me), but she was very behaved this episode. 

if there is anything the east high kids are good at, it’s bullshitting their way out.

“aim for my face” character growth

I KNEW IT

LILY WHY HOW WHEN WHY 

WTF THEY END THERE I CANNOT WITH CLIFF HANGERS

I liked the episode. Didn’t love it, but liked it. I really wish we got to see more acting, like we didn’t even see Big Red and E.J go on stage. Not even the iconic yellow dress. Some of the drama is so unnecessary, like why Mike and Jenn? What is with the Kourtney and Howie drama the writers insist on having, can’t they just be happy?

Besides the whole harness incident (burn that harness and mask it is causing so many problems) the production went very well, too well. This is East High we’re talking about.

Promo thoughts because what

oo they’re sneaking, maybe Big Red’s thingy

YES ASHLYN GETTING THE LOVE SHE DESERVES

oo Kowie confession?

portwell please be okay

what is up with carlos’ hair?

so seb, miss. jenn, and carlos scene? this has the potential to be very beautiful.

“It’s not over” not this again... 

i’m thinking carlos and seb are going to talk to miss jenn.

Sidenote, if we do not get a good seblos scene I will riot.

Hopefully Miss. Jenn apologizes with a billion sorrys

rini you just broke up please dont get back together 

im scared

if it is a scene where they close the book i will be very happy

Are we getting a flash forward scene? I’m pretty sure Miss. Jenn said Menkies aren’t till two plus weeks after the show.

We know based off the promo pics Ej and Gina are at the cast party, what went wrong?

Wait do we not get to see the finale of the show?

We better see the goddamn transformation

how does lily home and core four song fit in? im more curious about the lily one.

In conclusion, I am not ready for this to be over and the transformation needs to be sent to hell.

[study-coffee-chicago]

Season Premier Thoughts:

(And, feel free to send me asks about the eps!)

MED:

I knew it was gonna happen, BUT BREAKING MY MANSTEAD HEART IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES????

“He was aiming at you wasn’t he?” DR. CHARLES GOING OFF ON ARCHER??? HERE FOR IT

Dr. Dylan’s interactions with the kid??? Loving him already!

THIS KID IS LIKE 8! GANG INITIATION??? WTF

I’m gonna need Jay and Will to team up for this investigation

The way Will said “Hold on” to Goodwin when talking about the investigation. I LAUGHED SO HARD

WILL’S BACK IN THE ED ❤️

Why do I feel like Will and Stevie are gonna end up dating?

God, I love Maggie

Fuck Kender with locking the charts

Fuck Archer…bc he’s a dick

SASSY WILL. I’M HERE FOR IT

These twins are creepy

SASSY DR. CHARLES TO ARCHER?? ALSO HERE FOR IT

How many times am I going to think “fuck Archer” during this ep?? Probably a lot.

THE DOCTOR NEVER TOLD THIS WOMAN ABOUT HOW TO HELP HER DAUGHTER AND IT WAS ABOUT RACE??? FIND THE DOC AND TAKE HIS LICENSE

Oooh, Lanik’s back

I thought they were making Crockett and Will friends…NOT ENEMIES

Shut up with your vascon thingy, Cooper

Wow, Dr. Stevie just going in on the hard questions with Alisha

Dr. Taylor lost her first patient 😭

Will doesn’t like lying. 😂. WILL, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO JAY AND WORKED WITH THE FUCKING MOB OR SOME SHIT???

THE TWINS SWITCHED PLACES??? MY JAW DROPPED

Again, loving Dylan Scott

Loving the new docs!

Stevie’s mom’s homeless 💔

Ooooh, we’re yelling at Archer next week! Here for it!

Final thoughts: Loved it! Will definitely be rewatching this ep!…probably this weekend 😂

FIRE:

It’s been less than a minute and I’m STRESSED AF

GO CASEY

OH MY GOD, CRUZ

I wonder how weird that rescue breath scene between Cruz and Casey was to film 😂

CRUZ, THANK GOD

Crockett sighting!

Stellaride and their sex drive…holy shit!

KELLY LITERALLY THROWING THE REMOTE 😂

Loving the humor when Joe came back 😂

VIOLET, I’LL BUY YOUR CANDLES! I LOVE CANDLES

Is Joe having symptoms of PTSD???

BODEN’S DEPUTY DISTRICT CHIEF

OH THANK GOD HE’S NOT LEAVING THE SHOW

THIS WOMAN IN THE ROOM WITH THE WINDOW OPEN IS CRAZY

Love how Sylvie talked the woman down ❤️

Nobody’s gonna think about it when Brettsey walk out together? Haha, bullshit

Dill popcorn is actually pretty good

I thought we were done with politics in Chicago Fire after Alderman Casey resigned

THEY SERIOUSLY HAD TO FALL THROUGH THE ROOF??? WE JUST GOT SQUAD BACK AND NOW THE WRITERS WANT TO KILL HALF OF TRUCK????

CASEY DIDN’T FALL THROUGH

THANK GOD SEVERIDE AND CRUZ GOT STELLA AND GALLO OUT

CASEY WITH THE GOOD SAVE

Boden’s speech made me tear up

“Whenever Gallo almost dies, for like two days I stop thinking I wanna kill him” VIOLET 😂

Watch the millennials start selling their beer to Hermann to sell at Molly’s

THE BABY SHOWER WAS SO CUTE

“I did not grow up in a loving, happy house.” I’M GONNA NEED SOME STELLA KIDD BACKSTORY ASAP

Final thoughts: NOBODY DIED! And, that promo for next week??? I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT CAR ACCIDENT CALL

PD:

POOR HAILEY

Ugh, Voight

Trudy’s just like, take a step back, Adam. I don’t know how I’d get you out of this one if you punched a doctor.

Miller: what’s the update on Roy? VOIGHT KILLED HIM AND BURNED HIS BODY AT THE SILOS THAT’S THE UPDATE, SAMANTHA

Uh oh. Somebody heard gunshots at the warehouse. JAM UP VOIGHT AND NOT HAILEY, I’M BEGGING YOU. SHE WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT AND CALL IT IN

HAILEY’S HAIR TIE

“Work the scene, I need your DNA in here.” VOIGHT, LEAVE

Ugh great, now Voight and Hailey are gonna go talk to the witness

HE SAW ONE OF THEIR CARS. SHIT

Not one of their cars…SO WHOSE CAR DID THE WITNESS SEE???

POOR ADAM

VOIGHT, HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING CONFESS

Hailey doesn’t have to accept anything…VOIGHT, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE HER KILL ROY

Dad! Adam talking out his problems with Trudy and being worried about Makayla ❤️

OH SHIT, IRWIN TOOK VIDEOS

UPSTEAD CHASE SCENE

We need to put Voight in jail because I need my upstead babies to be back to normal and fluffy

I’m digging the car chase music

How does nobody see that Voight is acting weird af

WE’RE ABOUT TO GET SNIPER! JAY

SNIPER! JAY ❤️❤️❤️

Never would’ve seen Miller and Kevin going into the building coming

Jay always gets the job done

MAKAYLA PAINTING ADAM’S NAILS PINK AND HIM CALLING HER MAK. MY HEART ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

MAKAYLA HOLDING ADAM’S HAND AND WITH THE OTHER ONE HOLDING HER PLATYPUS STUFFED ANIMAL ❤️❤️❤️

KIM’S AWAKE

Adam saying “ladies first” and then Makayla running to Kim. I love Dad! Adam!

SHE BROUGHT HER PLATYPUS FOR KIM ❤️ I have tears in my eyes now

OH FUCK, THE FEDS ARE GETTING INVOLVED NOW. SHIT

THAT UPSTEAD SCENE. THE TALK. THE PROPOSAL. JAY SAYING HE’S OLD-FASHIONED. I FELL OFF MY COUCH ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

UPSTEAD ARE GETTING MARRIED ❤️❤️❤️

Good thing Jay didn’t use Mama Halstead’ss ring because, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, pretty sure that thing is cursed

Final thoughts: THE PROPOSAL, UPSTEAD ARE GETTING MARRIED, KIM’S OKAY, DAD! ADAM! Loved it! But, I’m gonna need Voight to confess because he’s killing Hailey here and that’s just not okay. Next week looks like a lot of Burzek, so hopefully more Dad! Adam and Mom! Kim. Finally, I really want pizza right now 😂

[miekasa]

the pre-pancetta snippet: early december, 3 months before the world went to shit

💉levi gets sick [levi grumbles in the background]

it was the pre-pandemic flu season. levi caught it at work and just his luck, it was pretty bad for him. but healthcare is expensive, capitalism sucks, so he wore a mask and still went to work the next day, thinking bedrest during the weekend would be enough. erwin kindly dropped off some sports drinks while hange gave him a new bag of black tea leaves. oc comes home to find him almost asleep at the table while waiting for water to boil for his tea and her senses tingle. she just knows. levi is pretty out of it by then, very pissed, feeling like shit, but still thinking about the slack he has to pick up at work. oc is very concerned because he looks awful. she bugs him and asks him if he’s okay with her checking him up. he is about to tell her to piss off but what the hell, lucky his roomie’s a doctor and he’ll take free healthcare when he can. so he nods once in dramatic brooding levi fashion.

her hands are cool on his forehead and neck, it feels so good, and levi is really trying not to accidentally moan out loud. when she brings out her stethoscope and asks him to take deep breaths, his focus is on her hand absentmindedly rubbing his shoulder [levi thoughts: he’s really out of it if this is all he can focus on]. oc’s brow furrows when she finds out he’s had only one cup of tea for the entire day and only one meal the day before. he says he’s brewing more, but oc is not having it! she heats up some leftover soup she has and makes him eat before handing him a tylenol. levi feels unsteady and weak but he’s trying to keep up the i’m-fine-it’s-just-the-flu facade. oc sees right through it and tails him to his room.

she helps him to bed, all while saying he’ll need meds for the virus and he needs to eat and drink more fluids because he’ll need an IV drip if not. even if it’s just the flu, he got a pretty bad case. levi strips off his shirt before he drops onto his pillows, grumpy and dismissive, telling her to just leave the prescription. he can handle it. oc snorts before leaving him alone (for now)

levi wakes up to rustling sounds and finds oc by his bedside setting up some stuff. his head is pounding, entire body is aching, and his cough is killing his throat. he’s very grumpy and is about to tell oc to just let him be but he gets a coughing fit. oc rubs his back while checking his vitals, her voice soft with worry as she asks him how he is feeling. he says he went to the bathroom but that’s it. he doesn’t see oc frown, but he’s more than annoyed that he is disturbed when she digs him out of the blankets. she helps him sit up, propping him on his pillows, and she makes him eat more soup, drink some tea, and take his meds. his throat is cooling and he realizes belatedly that she made him strong mint tea. he’s just swallowing whatever so he can go back to sleep [levi is trying very hard not to vocalize his disappointment whenever her hands leave him]. oc sighs at the little care her patient has for himself, but she tells him that he needs a drip at this point. she’s not satisfied with how little he’s been eating and drinking. levi is ready to throw hands because he refuses to spend thousands of dollars for 2 hours at the emergency room and get scammed by health insurance just so they can give him IV fluids, but oc surprises him by saying she’s all set up, and if he’s okay with it, she can do it here.

he shrugs and holds out his hand. the skin of her hands are a little rough with a few calluses, her touch so light and sure. the needle pinches but the pain dulls after a few seconds. he watches oc taping up the line and securing his hand to some makeshift splint so it doesn’t move around much. oc hangs up the bottle on the hanger she installed on the wall lamp by his bed before heading out. levi tries to fall back into sleep again. suddenly, he feels a damp cool cloth brush his forehead and his face while another hand runs through his hair gently. he’s groggy and he squirms because what. he hears oc shushing him, saying something about sponge baths for fever, and he’s just so not used to tenderness and care, and she’s sponging down his neck and his chest, running over his arms, turning him on his side gently so she doesn’t jostle him into wakefulness. her hands are firm and gentle as they wipe down his back and it’s cool and soothing and so good over his heated skin. he falls asleep in minutes. this never happens.

he thinks oc drops in once more in the middle of the night because he remembers someone holding him up to take something. when he wakes up the next morning, his fever is gone and he feels like himself again. he sees an empty bottle on his bedside table which means oc must have changed his drip too. the one he’s hooked to is almost gone. he’s in the middle of answering a work email on his phone when oc, already dressed for work, pops in to check on him. she has a tray in hand, looking genuinely relieved and happy that he’s better. his knows his appetite is back because the smell immediately makes his mouth water. he is very hungry after 3 days of soup and tea. she made really good pancakes, fried bacon to a perfect crisp, and the scrambled eggs are savory and creamy. it’s killing him. he can forgive the tea bag from a packet. levi is still a tea snob. oc is cheery, chirping that he’s good to go without a drip as long as he keeps up his food and fluids.

oc: water, tea, or pocari sweat, levi! none of the sugary sports drinks erwin left you, that stuff is a scam.

levi: i don’t have pocari—

oc: i bought you some, they’re in the drinks cupboard!

levi: why—

oc: it’s not just sugar, it has the electrolytes you need!!

she unhooks the IV and takes out his line, lays out his medication regimen and tells him to please call her if he starts feeling bad again. levi rolls his eyes and bats her concern away, grumbling that he’s fine and well enough, but he’s listening to every word she says. he utters a small thank you because how on earth does he convey his immense gratitude in words, he is not used to words!!! his cheeks feel very warm. oc giggles and ruffles his hair. she understands her roomie’s not talkative, but his soft gaze betrays everything beneath his gruff exterior. his shyness is adorable even if he was a grumpy old man while sick. oc thinks that her theory of him being 89 years old deep inside might be right after all. she sternly tells him to rest and lay off strenuous activities until he’s really recovered.

oc: rest. no cleaning today.

levi: my room—

oc: no. cleaning. today.

and just like that, she’s off to work [levi thoughts: wtf she works on sundays?]. all that levi can think of for three days, or more like since that day, are her gentle, comforting touches, her kind smiles, and how pretty she is. he tries, he really tries to push back the thoughts and bury the memories, but all efforts become in vain for him the next week.

he’s reading on the couch and relaxing for the night when oc comes out of her room looking like a fucking goddess. she’s in a deep green dress of flowing silk with thigh-high slit, sporting a dark, vibrant red lip, complaining of some recognition ceremony she has to attend for one of her bosses at work. she pouts while slipping on pumps that make her legs look even more stunning. levi is aware that he is staring and has tuned out her voice, so he forces himself out of it. he remembers basic conversation etiquette and lamely asks about the party. oc says it’s a black-tie-long-gown thing that’s a waste of her time. she twists her hair up in a messy bun and puts on earrings, grumbling that this is the most formal she’ll go. levi is mildly amused when she says she’ll nick a bottle of good champagne and some desserts before she escapes the party in an hour. tops.

levi: what if you get caught?

oc: they can spare one bottle and a few cupcakes

levi: and what reason have you come up with if they start interrogating you?

oc: my roommate is sad and a stress-eat is essential after shitty weeks of being underpaid laborers *cheeky smile*

he rolls his eyes. when she steps out their door (her uber’s there), levi counts to ten before groaning very loudly to let his frustrations out.

but she really did steal and bring home the good stuff, squealing in excitement when she sees that he was still up. he actually waited for her to get home but she doesn’t need to know that. they shared fruit tarts and fancy mini-cakes and worked through the bottle of champagne while bonding over their mutual disdain for assholes at work. conversation was open and easy, and levi cannot remember when he has been this comfortable around others who weren’t old friends of his. he was in an old shirt and jogger shorts. oc was still in her dress, barefoot, lipstick still perfect and bun still messy, picking a strawberry off the last cake while laughing at his dry jab about her boss. and jesus christ, she was exquisite.

at this point, denial begins to trickle in, but levi doesn’t know that yet. it’s just the champagne, right?

end. this was so mf long, i’m so sorry 😭 anyway this is insanely self-indulgent, and this is me coping with the pandemic (and with SnK ending today)

AHHHHHHH I LOVE ALL OF THIS ANON!!! SO MUCH!!!! PLEASE THIS HIT ALL THE MARKS!! Levi being reluctant to having someone take care of him, oc picking up on him not feeling well even though he’s not really showing it, and eventually just giving him the care and attention he needs (without suffocating him because you know he would be grumpy about that). I love this wow, seriously. 

AND THE END!! When they’re drinking together and he’s feeling better, you know damn well he didn’t even want her to leave in the first place, and IM SO GLAD HE’S FINALLY REALIZING!! Levi, my beloved, you are in love it is not the champagne 😌😌

[bittersweetlikecoffee]

Like shout-out to my forever partner. He's the best and real, real, real one. Get you a man who won't judge you for admitting to having nightly panic attacks and night terrors but instead supports you without any judgment whatsoever. And, bonus, no matter what refuses to leave your side no matter how much you insist you're too damaged.

Y'all this year has been a lot on me--mentally, emotionally and physically. Hell, spiritually. Losing my grandmother...moving...job hunting...trying additional options in the meantime while job hunting...grappling with the reemergence of my mental health issues...on and on...trying to look for apartments...stressing over money issues. It's been a lot and tiring and I'm so fucking tired I want to cry. I'm so tired. I'm so angry at everything symptom wise crippling me. This feels like it's honestly too much. I wish I could like tear this out of myself at times, but... I know I can't give up. So I won't.

But y'all I'm just so thankful for my fiance. He's held me down. Seriously. This is like recompense for me holding him down when he mentally and emotionally needed it. This is what a strong and healthy relationship is all about. I'm so incredibly thankful that he keeps me calm and can hold me and soothe me. I'm thankful that he allows me to vent and doesn't pressure me on my really, really bad days. I'm thankful that he's understood me when I told him I needed help. It's hard to admit that because for awhile I was stabilizing and things were looking up. I want to cry, seriously. Just...support systems are so, so, so important when it comes to mental health. I want to thank my friend too because she's been super sweet and loving and just there for me. She's been very kind and never turns me away or anything. She's almost always willing to listen and these past months have been loaded.

The ability to have someone in your corner when you're regressing and you can recognize it is imperative. I know I won't be hospitalized. I just believe that I won't regress that badly ever again. I cannot. I cannot do it again. It's too much to hit a reset button again at this interval of my life. To be truthful, I'm fucking terrified of that possibility so I'm avoiding getting to that stage. But I also know that I need help. I need to find a therapist and I need to journal again, and I know I cannot manage this on my own anymore. There's too many variables that I won't go into for personal reasons that have brought me to this place.

I'm rambling. I don't even know wtf the purpose of this is anymore, tbh. I guess that chronic anxiety and depression can suck a lot sometimes. Not being able to get out of bed or struggling to, not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep for days and weeks on end, and not being able to leave the house...can be debilitating. So...idk...I won't post about this for a while.

Why?

My blog isn't centered on my mental health. I didn't create it with any centrally focused topic in mind. It's literally supposed to be as the description entails: reblogs and the very occasional personal post or life update. That's it. I already felt like I've divulged too much. I'm not looking for advice. I appreciate it all the same but I'm really not looking for it. I'm just tired...mentally and emotionally. I might need to go back on meds and that's fine. I'm at a time in my 10+ years of having mental illnesses in my life that I can wholly accept that. It's liberating to be at a point where I can admit that trying to go med-free worked for a bit and now... I've realized it's not anymore and that's okay. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make anyone weak.

And I just want to say that this applies to literally anyone else that's in the mental health community. If you need to go back on medications or decide to then it's YOUR decision. The same applies if you decide to stop, it is YOUR decision. There's nothing wrong with regression or relapse or whatever you want to label it as or term it. It's part of the process. Therapy has armed me with that and it's keeping my head above water right now. Years ago, I would have been in a way worse headspace at this junction than I am now, had it not been for group and individual counseling. But yes, for a while now I've realized I need medication again to help balance me out.

As for anyone wanting to quit medication? All I would say is to make sure you stop with the consent of your psychiatrist/doctor and to do it in steps. Titrate down. Don't stop cold turkey. Don't ever stop cold turkey. Psych meds can have lasting side effects that are both unpleasant and can be harmful and dangerous if you do.

Anyway, I'll lurk here and there. I will continue to post however infrequently. I will pop in every now and then. I'll reblog content I like or find interesting. I just don't think anything else needs to be said really. 2020 was shitty. The pandemic was horrid. 2021 was emotionally draining, at one time cathartic, angering, saddening, lonely, and incredibly difficult most days for a lot of personal reasons. But I'll get through this because I'm strong. And you will too. It will get better. 🥺🙏🏾

Xoxo

[blue-maiden4]

Together Forever and Growing Pains

I'M IN LEGIT PAIN RIGHT NOW.

MY POOR BOY 😭😭

Anyways I'm gonna leave my thoughts on these episodes down here so spoilers right ahead:

-First of all: Ruby, Sapphire I know you tried to help, but dear Arceus proposing at the age of 16 IS NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL.

-Can we appreciate how handsome Steven looks on that shirt and suit? Damn he looks good on it 👀 (If he weren’t a minor I would marry him, but my heart already belongs to Leon so nevermind, pretend I said nothing)

-Rather than saying a straight 'no', Connie said 'not now', AND HONESTLY THAT'S SO SWEET AND IM DYING. And Steven's heartbroken face DESTROYED ME. I've never experienced such feeling but I can imagine how much it hurts. I really appreciate how Connie handled the situation in such a mature way, like she wanted to talk out things first and such. She is without a doubt Steven's soul mate ❤️.

-Watching Steven just laying on the sand while crying broke my heart in a million pieces, I felt your pain Steven, and it sucks that you have to go through this when you’re dealing with some heavy issues right now.💔

-"There isn't a future where you didn't proposed" I'm double dead now, the fact that no matter which time line they're on, Steven would propose to Connie. My heart 😭.

-Also I've seen some people asking why Steven is so worried of Connie leaving, like, he can just go visit her with Lion's help, but remember he can do the same with Lars and he acted the same way, so despite being able to visit them, the whole feeling that he's getting left behind is what is triggering these kind of reaction (or at least that's what I think).

-And remember, no matter how much you love a person, do not propose to them at the age of 16 (sorry I had to this xd) 

Okay now moving onto Growing Pains aka the episode that destroyed me physically and emotionally:

-BOI Where do I even start with this one? Okay first, seeing Steven all depressed over Connie's rejection and just eating ice cream and all kinds of sweets as a coping mechanism hits home. And this is something people do in real life when they are going through a heartbreak. Poor boy he needs a hug. 

-I would be lying if I said I didn’t scremaed the moment his body started growing our of nowhere, HOLY SHIT THE CORRUPTION THEORY IS SLOWLY BECOMING A REALITY. LIKE THAT SHIT STARTED AS SOME SORT OF JOKE, IT AIN’T FUNNY ANYMORE 😰.

-Connie being concerned about Steven and convicing him to see a doctor is the best thing ever. FINALLY SOMEONE THAT MAKES HIM SEEK HELP (Sort of)

-Okay, the fact Steven’s bones are fractured or broken is really worrying. Like, the only reason this kid isn’t dead is because of his healing powers is really messed up, and if we remember what happened in CYM, it makes sense why he was so weak and nearly dying, it was ‘cause his body was so damaged on the inside and the only things keeping together was his own gem half.

Seriously just look at all those cracks in his bones

-Also, the way Dr. Maheswaran explained how his body was constantly healing, yet it looked that mentally he hasn’t healed, that hit me like a truck. It also reminded of Pink Pearl, her gem showed no signs of damage, yet that crack on her eye was mostly due to the trauma she still had.

-The fact Steven is having the same side effect is just so....AGH I can’t even describe it, there’s no words that can say it.Seriously, he’s been through some heavy stuff since he was 13, with being so close to dying a million times, seeing loved ones die in front of him, his self doubt and existencial crisis due to Pink’s/Rose’s mistakes. That’s some serious and heavy shit, that surely was to have some effect on Steven at some point.

He’s been trying so hard to just forget about it and move on, but it’s not that simple. Those experiences are somthing that will haunt him forever until he adresses them properly. Also, the fact he tended to bottle up his emotions as a kid had also a role in all of this, he had to deal with this stuff on his own, he couldn’t talk to anyone about it, ‘cause he didn’t knew what else to do without becoming a burden.

-”What you haven’t told her?!” 

DUDE, YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECTED CONNIE TO TELL HER MOM HOW YOU FRICKING PROPOSED TO HER? COME ONE, SHE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA TELL HER, SHE WOULD HAVE FREAK OUT AT THE IDEA OF 16/15 YEAR OLDS GETTING MARRIED FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE.

-Bruh, the moment he was starting to tear up, due to all the stress and pressure he was feeling at that moment. And the way he snapped out at Connie....oof, like I don’t blame him at all, but it broke my heart. The pain he was feeling at the moment...god...😭😭😭.

-Greg getting in there and comforting him, that’s what made me cry, the whole thing that Steven’s feeling like he’s always about to die, and how he’s supposed to be happy now that everyone is saved but just can’t....it hurted....a lot. 

-And my respect and love for Connie and her mom increased here, not only she called the only person that could calm him down/help him, but they also treated Steven in way as to not alter him more and without judging. Seriously, I’m surprised Dr. Maheswaran, wasn’t like WTF the moment Steven started listing all of his traumatic experiences, instead she only explained how all of this gem stuff he’s been involved with has caused him so serious trauma.

-Now let me just say, that even though it is mostly th CG and Greg (to some degree, like the dude tried his best), we have to remember that the Gems have no idea about how a human body works, let alone how a mind of a person works. And it’s true that it wasn’t a good idea for Steven to move in with the Gems at such a young age, heck Greg is his father, he is supposed to take care of Steven and such, but considering the circumstances and that Steven is half-gem, he probably thought it was for the best, as he couldn’t teach him about gem stuff, probably the CG convinced him about this. Now, with the whole ‘they should have noticed or figured out something was wrong with Steven’, let me tell you one thing: that’s not how it works. Sure a parent should be able to tell when there’s something wrong their kid, but considering Steven became so dang good at avoiding the subject and bottling up his emotions (keeping them to himself), it practically impossible to tell when something is wrong. Parents aren’t physics, they can’t read our minds, so unless we are the ones that address the issue, there’s no other way they can’t find out about our problems. And that’s what happens in Steven’s case, and since they didn’t wanted to push him to talk about it, well, that makes it harder.

CONCLUSION: 

THIS TWO EPS DESTROYED ME, SERIOUSLY THEY LEFT ME IN LITERAL PAIN.

I was expecting them to make me cry, but dear lord, they were such heavy episodes, they even suprassed Prickly Pair, which is an episode that also messed up with my emotions. But these two made me cry. They just hit so close to me.

I’m not sure I’m gonna survive til the finale (really one of the next week eps is called Fragments, and that doesn’t give me any good vibes)

NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I WILL GO CRY IN A CORNER WHILE CURLED UP IN A BALL AS I LISTEN TO DEPRESSING MUSIC CAUSE I DON’T KNOW OF ANOTHER WAY TO COPE WITH THE PAIN.

[monkeebratz]

Bio!Dad Bruce Wayne AU - Super Meet

Initial idea | How it Happened | Addition by iggy-of-fans | Reply to iggy’s Addition | Summer Begins | Summer Part 2 | Supers Meet (you are here) | Scarecrow Interlude |

SO we have two ways that the Parisian Super Squad meets the Batfam. 

The first, which I’m only writing down because I cannot forget about it, and its hilarious is: the Super Squad gets to Gotham, gets Mari’s texts, gets to their hotel room, throws their stuff in, transforms, and starts running around looking for her. They find her walking around the fashion district with the Wayne’s. Adrien, as Chat Noir, spies Marinette first. And, in typical fashion, acts first and thinks later. 

So basically the Wayne’s watch a young, blonde, male version of catwoman throw an incredibly expandable baton between them and Mari, jump down, pick her up. Say “Bonjour. Au revoir.” And then make his expandable baton extend again and carry the now screeching Marinette to the top of the building where the rest of the Super Squad is waiting. Luka is going to strangle him. Holy shit. Chat Noir? More like Chat NO-ir!

The Batfam, of course, suits up and starts chasing after them. In full daylight. (These are the perfect opportunity for “Only in Gotham tweets” tbh) They catch up to Marinette berating all of them in incredibly loud and frantic French. As Multimouse. Going on about how irresponsible it was to leave Paris unprotected! Yes she knows Hawkmoth was defeated but it is the principle of the matter!! And they left BEFORE she told them about what happened with her bio!family and Batman! ALSO THEY KIDNAPPED HER IN BROAD ASS FUCKING DAYLIGHT IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THIS IS GOTHAM YOU SHUT YOUR TRAP CHAT! 

The whole squad looks so defeated but then Mari starts crying and throws herself into Chat’s arms going on about how good it is to see them and she’s so happy they’re here and they’re so so stupid! And then its a hug pile. Big hug pile. The Batfam looks on in utter confusion bc, again, only like. Two of them know French. Then Batman coughs and they all look up and just. Don’t move. Maybe if they don’t move he won’t see them. 

“... I need to be taking Miss Dupain-Cheng back to her family, now.” 

“But-!” WHACK (why yes that’s the sound of Marinette kicking at them all)

“You kidnapped a girl in front of her family with no warning, in a very dangerous city. I’m sure her family would like the reassurance that she’s safe.” 

So Batman and the Robins take Marinette back to Wayne Manor and Alfred clings to her (like he totally didn’t put everything together already they’re all so obvious). And then the Batfam, minus costume, comes barreling down the stairs and they all tackle Marinette and its another hug pile. Bc holy shit Mari why did you get kidnapped by your so called friends? Oh, they’re stupid? Can relate. 

And then. Of course. Guess who shows up at the door. Just peeks their heads in, detransformed of course. “Uh, hi? We’re friends of Marinette? We’re here to visit her?” 

Bruce is shrieking like WHY. WHY IS THIS SHIT GENETIC?! Internally. Can’t spill the beans QUITE yet. 

Anyway, INTRODUCTIONS GALOR, YADA YADA, Dick and Adrien get along so well. Too well. Kagami and Damien also get along well too (they’re both ready to stab a bitch, don’t test them). Luka is too chill NOT to get along with anyone, unless they insult his friends and partners. Chloe is ready to throw down but also holy shit that’s Bruce fucking Wayne? Damn, Mari. DAMN. Already on social media about this. 

(Also listen, I am shipping trash so I’m going to be vague as hell with things but in my brain this will be a poly!partners au so the Super Squad is just dating each other. But for the sake of everyone they could also just be really good/close friends, as they’ll be sharing rooms and be very touchy feeling and such. Its up to you. But just know, I’m just. Like this.) 

So it basically just devolves into story sharing and puppy piles and the Wayne’s all looking at the Super Squad with side eyes bc HM. HOW FAMILY. ALSO STOP TOUCHING THE BABY! NO CORRUPTING THE BABY!! THAT’S OURS!!!

WE SAW HER FIRST SO FUCK YOU!

I’M LITERALLY? HER FATHER? FUCK? YOU? YOU CATWOMAN KNOCK OFF???

This is all happening with their eyes btw

And of course. The whole squad follows Marinette out as Multimouse to go meet batman, who Bruce told her had something to talk with her about. And she kinda cries bc SHE’S GOING TO GET KICKED OUT OF THE CITY BC OF HER IDIOTS!

Its not, its the Batfam taking the Super Squad to the Justice League tower. They weren’t expecting so many people but its fine. They’ll make it work. 

Because Bruce had called the Justice League for an emergency meeting that night with the tone of voice that clearly said anybody who didn’t show up would have a bat hunting them down and shoving his foot up their ass so far they’ll taste patented leather for the rest of their life. They’ve almost never seen him so angry? And he’s bringing guests? What? The fuck?? 

Multimouse Marinette gets briefed that, as the current Guardian of the Miraculous, and a hero of Paris, she’ll be there to get a formal apology and an explanation about why a bunch of teenagers had to fight an emotionally manipulative super villain by themselves. Chat Noir is maybe hiding behind the rest of the Miraculous Crew and they’re only kinda notice but don’t think much of it tbh. Adrien does NOT want to be the one to explain that his FATHER was said super villain. save him. 

Btw the whole group is having mixed reactions to the idea of meeting the Justice League. Adrien wants to run away but he also doesn’t care? Like. They’re all superhero’s, he gets that they can’t always help, but also. Fuck. He loves being a superhero but having someone with actual experience might have saved them all a lot of heartache. Chloe, meanwhile, doesn’t give a sINGLE SHIT about the JL. Fuck them. Fuck them so hard, so assholes ignored them and they’re going to be high and mighty. She may be a better person now but she will not put up with their nonsense. Not now. Not ever. Fight her. Luka is that sort of calm angry? He’s pissed that they brushed them off but since everything’s over there’s no point in holding onto his anger. There may or may not be a lot of meditating in the Bat Plane on the way there so he doesn’t use his lyre like a fucking BOOMERANG AGAIN and smack them all upside the head with it. Kagami doesn’t care? She’ll threaten them to the ends of the earth should they ever blow off such messages again, but she also just. Has very little emotional investment in them otherwise. 

Marinette, of course, is freaking out and pacing and trying to channel her inner ladybug and screaming internally bc why. WHY. She’s angry but she also understands, but she’s still so stressed. just. please. Tiny squeaks. 

And okay, they get there, and Batman comes in with ALL the Robins AND all these new kids? 

Flash: I’m sorry, you called an emergency meeting because of your extended family? 

Diana: HUSH

Because Diana, of course, recognizes them what and who they are. And is screaming bc holy shit? The Miraculous Holders are active again? Do they need their help? Where is Ladybug? Who is the Guardian? She just has. so. many. questions. 

And Captain Marvel/Shazam (seriously wtf IS HIS NAME) is fangirling HARD. Because that’s the Miraculous Holders! The ORIGINAL magic users! SEVERAL of his people (Hercules/etc) were Miraculous holders on top of Shazam and HOOOLLLY SHIT THEY’RE HERE! IN FRONT OF HIM! HOLY SHIT!!!

Superman, Green Arrow, and several others are sweating bc uh. UH. OH SHIT THOSE MESSAGES WERE REAL?

Yes. They were real. And now they have Batman in full dad mode demanding an explanation. Several people (Superman, other mutation/alien esc powers) claim they went to Paris to check on the damage but they couldn’t find any, OR the supposed supers of villain. 

Multimouse steps forward and starts explains how the Ladybug powers work and if they had bothered to contact them beyond telling them this wasn’t a line of communication to be used for PRANKS, they would know better. Diana chimes in with how she was helped created BY the Ladybug miraculous, etc, why did nobody ask her about this? Hell, why did nobody ask their resident magic user, Captain Marvel/Shazam??? 

Green Lantern: No offense, but doesn’t this all seem a little far fetched? 

Chloe: ... Bitch, you have an alien ring that gives you powers. Shut the fuck up. 

So there’s some arguing, back and forth, and Bruce looses his temper a little bit. Smacks his hand HARD on the table. “Enough. It is your job to investigate. It is not your job to leave the saving of an entire city to my fucking daughter, who was barely thirteen at the time this all started. As far as I’m concerned, this can never, ever, happen again. Wonder Woman, Captain, I assume you’d be willing to go through our notifications for any discrepancies?” 

And there’s a huge moment of silence. Everyone’s staring at him. Multimouse squeaks. Red Hood just. “Good going, Bats. Real smooth.” 

Chat: OH MY GOD YOUR DAD IS BATMAN? WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING, WHY- HOOOOO OH MY GOD YOUR DAD! BATMAN! IS DAD! YOUR DAD WHO IS ALSO-!

Viperion is making wheezing noises and covers Chat’s mouth and then there’s even more yelling and arguing and finger pointing, and Bruce wants a drink. And a nap. In whatever order he can get them. 

Basically he gets Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel/Shazam to agree to looking through messages but also gets the hell out of dodge. 

Next in, the reactions to all this tomfoolery. Also apparently superhero-ism is now genetic. 

Tag List! (Please remember to send me an ask if you want to be added!)

@mystery-5-5 @mariae2900 @vgirl-10123 @iglowinggemma28 @deredereart @synnesstra @dahjokester @destinationdesignation @lordsmeldingtonthethird @emjrabbitwolf @unabashedbookworm @saphiraazure2708 @rhub4rb @romanoff-queen @octoberscorn@littleblue5mcdork @foxyrelina @severelyenchantedwonderland @dast218 @ace-aro-agender​ @rogueptoridactyl​ @kitkatcatfangirl @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @poshplumcot  @iggy-of-fans @schrodingers25​ @two-faced-biatch​ @moonlitarchangels @vixen-uchiha @rikku052 @elspethshadow

People who should be tagged but may not? So sorry, I’m still going to add you until tumblr stops being a dick about this.

@tbehartoo  @wuvpancakes

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

Okay feel free to ignore this if you want it’s kinda just a huge rant thing about me thinking that my brothers might be racist so uh yeah, debated on being on anon for thsi or not for like ten minutes cause there some real personal stuff here. Kinda been bottling this up for a while and for some reason you seem like a good person to tell it to.

Tw cursing btw

So I’m white, might be a little sprinkle of Cuban but honestly have no idea besides that I’m white as hecc. I have four brothers, I’m also adopted, but because when I was adopted my biological brother wasn’t adopted too because he was already a adult. But my biological brother (just gonna call him bb if I refer to him again) is not white, we have different dads. I’m very much white and he’s black? I don’t really know, never asked and didn’t really see it as something important. I love him for him, his skin color never mattered in that. But if I had to describe it he’s a lighter black, maybe Arabic or Cuban? And most of my friends throughout my whole time living where I do, most of my friends are black, or Hispanic. So, as you can assume, I have lots of sympathy for POC. I have no idea what it’s like and try to support my friend any time they are put down for their skin color. (I may or may not have punch a kid once cause he said a friend of mine was disgusting and should “go back to her sick country” cause she’s a Muslim, apparently the kids grandpa died in 9/11 so liek I guess I can see where it’s from but like, dude……)

So I have three other brother, live with two of them cause the other moved out for college. So, now to the two brother might be racist part. Prepare to be pissed off 👍 /hj . So, when all the protests started at the begging of quarantine, my family talked a bit about it cause we had nothing else to do.

and these two straight, cis, white teens had the damn arrogance to BOTH say that they were “bullied for being white” and yeah, one of them was bullied very bad as a kid, but like??????? No?????? Just, no????? You are a cisgender white straight man????????? Who is considered attractive by most of your peers?????? YOU ARE NOT BULLIED, THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TIME WHERE SOMEONE TRIED TO SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO YOUR ASS THAT YOU LITERALLY ARE THE MOST PRIVILEGED PEOPLE IN AMERICA SINCE THE FUCKING BEGINNING AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT YOUR MADE FUN IF FOR IT??????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?????

And MY shy ass didn’t say a damn thing because “it’s not my place to talk, I’m white as heck and have never been made fun of for being white”

And also, “racism it’s the even a big thing anymore”??????? PISSES ME OFF WHEN EVER I THINK OF IT TO NO END

Like, first of all, IF THERE ARE PROTESTS AND PEOPLE ARE BEING KILLED FOR BEING BLACK THEN I THINK RACISM IS STILL A THING !!!!!

Second, YOU ARE A MAN, A CISGENDER MAN!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!! MEANWHILE AT THE TIME I WAS STILL CLOSETED SO YOUR SAYING THIS SHIT IN FRONT OF YOUR “SISTER” WHO HAS SAID THAT “SHE” WAS PUT DOWN A NUMBER OF TIMES FOR BEING BIOGRAPHICALLY FEMALE BY BOYS WHO THREW ROCKS AT GIRLS IN FIRST GRADE????? WHO LITERALLY HAS A SCAR FROM A SHARP ROCK THAT WAS THROWN AT MY BACK BY SOME KID IN FIRST GRADE???????

THIRD, YOU ARE CIS GENDER!!!! Hey hey hey, buddy, imagine not being able to go outside without worrying that you’ll get killed while walking to the dollar tree because you drew a non-binary flag on your arm the other day and couldn’t rub it off!!!!! How great does that sound :D /s

Fourth, you are STRAIGHT!!!!!!! BEING THE GAY ONE IN THE FAMILY IS KINDA HARD! And then how much it hurt seeing them make jokes about slapping each other’s asses, and making fun of a kid cause he sounded gay (who literally became homophobic because of it, as a kid he was supportive of it, but now is sorta homophobic because he’s straight and has been made fun of for people thinking he’s gay), TOOK THE “pedophiles are being added to LGBT” FUCKING SERIOUSLY

LIKE, I WASN’T OUT AT THE TIME AND THEY STOPPED MAKING JOKES LIKE THAT AFTER I TOLD THEM, BUT THEY ARE SO HORRIBLE SOMETIMES I SWEAR!!!! I AHVE NO IDEA HOW YHEY GREW TO BE LIEK THIS BECAUSE MY MOM ALWAYS TELLS THEM TO FUCKING STOP BECAUSE ITS OFFENSIVE AND RUDE, AND MY DAD SHOWS THAT HE DOENST LIEK IT EITHER

so that’s my Ted talk, moral of the story, if your a straight white cisgender man stop complaining about it.

tw: racism, homophobia, transphobia

THAT SH!T PISSES ME OFF WTF

(DISCLAIMER: okay y’all, to be clear: i’m in no way bashing anyone who’s straight or cisgender. this is talking about the topic in general and how people have negative influences on others, but it’s not directly related to them being white, straight, and cis-- it’s about the way that they’re handling it and how immature those people are. please don’t be offended if you fit into any of those categories.)

okok, thanks for letting me know all of this info boo! just wanted to let you know that you’re one heck of an amazing person and i think you’re so so strong for still being here. so pls oml, GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT! and hey, despite all you’ve been through, i can’t stress HOW thankful i am that you haven’t let it get to you. you’re not a cold-hearted and rude person and that just fills me with so much love for you because that’s just such a beautiful thing. 

BUT NOW.

THE BROTHERS.

BAE I AM SO SORRY.

now now i’m supposed to be loving and kind to everyone, but this- i- i don’t know how to sugarcoat this. 

they are white.

they are cisgender.

and they are men, straight men, at that.

AND THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT THEY’VE BEEN BULLIED FOR BEING WHITE??

I JUST BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND THERE

LISTEN, I KNOW THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF DISCRIMINATION LATELY. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VERY SWEET, KIND, AMAZING WHITE GUY GAL OR NONBINARY PAL SAYING THAT THEY GOT BULLIED IN GENERAL? THAT’S OKAY, COMPLETELY OKAY.

BUT IF THEY HAVE ALREADY CROSSED THE LINE MULTIPLE TIMES AND THEN CHOSE TO THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR “being white??” like honey come again, what did they say?? like did someone go to you and say, “yooooo guys, i’m white!” and use their fingers to make their eyes bigger? and yet it’s okay when you, you stupid cis white straight man make your eyes smaller and say “ch*ng ch*ng” and sing it to a bunch of asian kids?? is that what it is to you?

CHERRY I AM SO SORRY WTF THAT MUST BE TERRIBLE

and then.

i am trying so very hard not to scream rn because i can FEEL your pain through this ask.

and tHEN THEY SAY “racism isn’t a big thing anymore.”

...i’m sorry, did i hear you correctly?

racism isn’t a big thing anymore?

RACISM ISN’T A BIG THING ANYMORE???

RIGHT, RIGHT, HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THAT TO THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO FOUGHT FOR BLM AND ASIAN LIVES AS THEY SCREAMED FOR JUSTICE?? HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THAT TO THE PEOPLE WHO’VE BEEN MURDERED JUST FOR BEING IN THEIR OWN SKIN?? HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THAT TO THE PEOPLE WHO’VE LOST FAMILY AND FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST BEING HUMAN.

AND THEN THEY DON’T RESPECT YOUR PRONOUNS??

i’m literally about to cry right now, that’s so messed up

AND I AM SO SORRY ON BEHALF OF WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH, THIS MUST BE SO ROUGH RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TERRIBLE THIS MUST BE FOR WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH.

BUT YOU

ARE

A 

STRONG

AMAZING

OVERLORD

AND I AM VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU

FOR FIGHTING AND CONTINUING TO BE KIND TO OTHERS

ILY VERY MUCH AND I THINK YOU’RE A NEAT PERSON, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE VALID. YOU ARE SO VALID. ILY. 

[thecrenellations]

Thick as Thieves Undead-Blog, Part Two | when your liveblog wakes up to drink some broth then goes back to sleep smiling because it trusts you | my notes from reading the book for the first time, Spring 2017

Format: Page number. My ridiculous thoughts (Context???)

Part One

Chapters 6-13:

Ch. 6 - Very intense chapter in which Kamet and Costis are captured by the slavers and escape

163. Costis <3 Muscles Good looking! (wow what a way to start this post)

one hot piece of attolian manflesh ... confirmed (people would call him this on LJ! I forgot about it for several years until reading this passage)

164. omg earring swallowed!

166. amanuensis? (perennial thanks to mwt for all the vocab words)

168. shit. severed hand.

172. wtf Costis don’t kill him

173. how do you silently kill someone like that?

174. wow fuck

men dead not even breathing hard. (compare to KoA assassination)

Everyone is a monster!

176. Thieves.

Ch. 7 - Lots of good conversation, potentially symbolic animals, and a surprise Eugenides

183. Grt scene (apologies)

184. now who’s asking rude questions? (about killing people)

186. lying to him <3

ok! unreliable narrator!

wait i thought they didn’t have slaves in Attolia?!

187. “I was unappreciated” ... I’m always lonely

so cute

188. me when mwt writes: what is this blatant unabashed fanservice?

WHO IS THIS BOY?!

189. Onarkus =/= Sandy?

190. okaaay #confirmed Gen!

191. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Boots

195. he caught a snake (associated with a certain king and assumed bootboy “you viper” “you are a poisonous little snake” ... another ominous dead animal)

Is Costis’s earring for Eugenides (I was thinking of the god!)

196. a goat and a snake .... how poetic

Costis stalks goat ...

197. hmmm.... goat and hand and last trace of Nahuseresh (OMINOUS)

does Irene know her husband was a bootboy?

203. no this what? (“trouble with a maid” story exchange)

Marin?

204. he was prepared to run away??

how old was he?

well this is a lot to chew on

205. K using past tense for N

C asking about slaves killed after emperor’s death... does he know?

Ch. 8 - This road trip was going great until SOMEONE fell in a well

208. Are Taymets taller than Eddisian mountains?

210. time passing, broad and focused

212. MY Attolian

classic minor mwt characters

215. singing Costis???

216. swearing gimme a break

please don’t let the Namreen kill them later...

217. Kamet says very little of what HE did/his interactions w them!

218. wot nice cut! (“Eleven days later...”)

gods?

219. “water finds a way” a saying from Eddis? how does C know that? also brings to mind QoA weather passages

Why doesn’t Kamet ask/wonder WHY Gen wants him?

223. They’re gonna do it? They’re gonna make it? So close!

224. does Eddis have comparable irrigation engineering?

227. NO!

228. u idiot you meant to leave him before!!!

at least look in the freaking well!!!

229. Kamet’s Face! wow he’s really in shock (at weapons shop)

230. SUCH FAMILIAR PHRASING! birds :( (I was caught up in the birds and completely missed the spilled wine!)

Ch. 9 - Retrieving Costis from the well, Ennikar appears again

231. “You’re certain he’s dead?” nice CUT

this time i heard him say?

was he talking?

232. thoughtfully tensing his lower lip?

who tf is this guy - another god?

mm grr I’m Kamet I have no friends

ok so he’s what’s his face Enkidu?

heroes walk the streets

234. AAH why

say his fricking name?!

god you’re so bad @ this

236. THIEF

237. FRIEND OMG

238. omg so good flour!

SO CUTE I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THIS

239. OMG Costis. Nice. (Costis tries the Gen method of deflecting concern)

241. “as if we were close friends traveling together???”

242. Costis ... knows a hero when he sees one?

But ... delighted? not horrified?

Ch. 10 - Hanging out with Godekker

247. SO MANY HELPFUL STRONG MEN (Enter Godekker)

249. PAY THE FASTENER

253. god so snarky

254. Kamet’s chops

fuck how is this book going to end???

256. You’ll never feel safe ... Gen + Relius’s fears?

258. Fuh!

259. Ok do i have hope?

he doesn’t have Tethys lesions does he?

263. aahhhh

Costis trusts him!!!! <3

aaahhh

264. Noli? where did he get that from?

smarrrt

265. yeah u did tell Godekker your name!

wtf is this god advice!

268. The So, so, so count in this book is OUT OF CONTROL!!! It may be a record.

Ch. 11 - Kamet’s stressful voyage

270. Lol Sophos is better @ assuming Attolian ships are there...

272. yesssss earring GOOD

274. yeah sure Kamet you still haven’t left!

I did not want to leave the Attolian!

276. watching Costis

277. my heart’s gonna break don’t leave, Kamet!

278. “as if the gods had cursed my wandering feet” nice. also iambic pentameter

also laying it on a bit thick there

280. Sea in the Middle of the World!

he’s so scared though. :(

the fuckin nerve!

Costis + Gen and their s3cr3t sign

281. nooooo it’s ok to lie, it’s endearing in this world!

also Costis seriously why do you think he would be ok w/ this!

I’m coming home! (to Attolia. In cursive, see image at top of post.)

282. war?

Ch. 12 - Dramatic times in Attolia

284. “I thought we were I + E” :o

shit where is his honor now (”I would have let you go”)

285. hey there Teleus...

my heart

285. yeah but C probs knows all those guards ... he thought punching Gen was the most embarrassed he’d been... (in retrospect, I don’t think he was embarrassed AT ALL during this scene. Costis fight mode was activated.)

yeah I mean she has given us the Magus all this time! (reflecting on the fact that Costis’s name has yet to appear)

286. Yesss angry Costis poking Teleus!

This is Something to imagine

287. THIS IS REALLY BAD (”the queen”)

OK...

holy shit

when is this???

she’s not THAT old!

288. THE room? (“filled with all the horrors I had fled in Ianna-Ir”)

289. 298 pages until this! (“Costis”)

289. Please stay alive Irene!

On some level I do feel that my childhood is ruined w the confirmation they banged. :( Gen is like 20! (Listen. I love them. I'm very happy for them. This is not exactly breaking news. 20-year-olds, and this one in particular, can obviously do anything they want. This note brought to you by me being Too Ace For This and having been both younger and older than him since first reading the books a very long time ago...)

292. Gggennn

293. Is this court respect a recent development? WHAT DID I MISS? (they watched him fight the entire guard, is what, c’mon me. Costis hit him on the head with an amphora.)

yeah we get it people underestimate Eugenides

OH MY COSTIS

294. is this Annux by any chance?

Boys ur making a scene!

King of Attolia vs of Attolians?

295. very ... dramatic

this is ... a private convo?

297. yup he’s Eddis’s best stalker!

Ch. 13 - Everything else that happens in this book!

298. “Do they know?” yeah wtf Gen

it’s like the new “and every1 was naked” (in KoA)

“and every1 was watching”

300. Gen: Yo Helen can u bring me that one coin?

Helen: sure. no prob

301. “Poor Costis”

yeah Melheret always sneaks up

302. “You’ve come from the prisons, not how an honored guest is usually received” UM ACTUALLY...

305. Kamet.... (crying in his room)

306. “the kind of Attolia sitting on the footboard” oh my god yeah classic

307. Irene comes thru with the stats

Was Kamet at the battle at Ephrata?

310. talk with the kitchen staff good god i would like to know. So bizarre.

lol toting around an ambassador all nite? What would Teleus say?

while Irene’s sick ...

WTF will Costis do now?

312. names ... Kamet ... Ormentiedes? 

Creeeeeeeeepy Relius (probably about “there are some questions you might answer for us” but possibly about the cutting up and feeding to wolves comment)

314. business arrangement uh sure

Yeah ok write it all down

316. talking to Costis?

(a note: the version I read was an advance reader copy, and the only major difference was that it did NOT include the scene with “the young Erondites”)

318. Attolia smiled at him!

anything worth doing is worth overdoing lol

319. alternate readings of poem?

322. orange trees!

cabbages!

324. sent Onarkus away RECENTLY???

Is Brinna Sandy!

Seriously. 

Cooks r weird (thinking about the entry for cooks in the Tough Guide to Fantasyland)

326. the magus!

an ACHING void

oh I know I’ll just GO!

poor Gen can’t have any friends...

331. they have duffles in Attolia

and with Attolian duffles, the story ends! Thanks for reading, feedback is welcome. I promise I have more developed thoughts about this book. For another weird journey, listen to my Thick as Thieves playlist, maybe.

[knjnvrland]

Prank Wars - ch. 6

> pairing | jungkook x reader

> word count | 4.5k

> genre | college!au, fluff, smut, angst

> warnings | swearing, some really vanilla sexual acts, fingering, unprotected sex.

> synopsis | College can be a stressful time in anyone’s life as it is, why don’t we throw a little prank war in the mix to make it harder?

> fic masterlist

> A/N | English is not my first language, I’m sorry for the eventual spelling mistake, please let me know if you find any!

CHAPTER 6 - No-Bra Girl

Your room was way too bright, did you forgot to close the windows the night before? You woke up annoyed, feeling like you could sleep for 5 more hours at least, but something inside you said you shouldn’t. You extended your arm to your bedside table to try and reach for your phone, but came up empty. Still dazed, you opened your eyes and took a look around: yup, the curtains were left wide open, and by how bright it was, even for a winter day, you could tell the sun has been up for a while. Alice was still asleep on her bed on the other side of the room, you noticed she had the patience of getting into her pijamas, while you only bothered to take off your jeans and bra and fell asleep wearing the same shirt you had on the night before. Oh! The night before! You knew you should’ve said no to the going out after Hoseok’s performance, but how could you say no to Jimin when he was so happy that he didn’t mess up the backup dancing? Hobi too, was so happy to finally deliver what he had been practicing the entire semester, you just had to go. But you surely didn’t need to drink as much as you did.

You got up with a groan and stretched your back, walking over to Alice’s bed to look for her purse. It was on the floor besides her, as always, and you checked it to see if she had your phone. When you realized it wasn’t there you decided to nudge her just to ask, you knew you needed it for something, you just couldn’t remember what now. Alice turned around, not yet awake, and you nudged her again.

“Hey, Al, do you have my phone?” You whispered, when she seemed more awake.

“Huh?” She opened one of her eyes and looked for your face.

“My phone. I can’t find it, do you have it?” Noticing the confused look in your friend’s face you continued “from last night, you must have took it when we got out”

“Have you checked my purse?” She opened her other eye and letted out a yawn.

You signaled ‘yes’ with your head “it's not there either”. Alice frowned and turned to pick up her stuff, looking once again.

“Then I don’t have it, love, you must have forgotten it at the bar, maybe check if one of the boys have it?” She took her own phone from under her pillow and gave it to you, and you dialed the first number you found: Yoongi’s, obviously.

It rang until it reached his voice mail, and the same happened with every single boy you called next. You began trying to call you own number, hoping whoever had it was a nice enough person to give it back, but with no luck still. You kept calling their numbers and after almost half an hour of it, Alice stopped you.

“They're probably passed out, your phone will appear eventually.” She took her own device back from you. “Maybe focus on studying?”

And that’s when it hit you: all your notes were on your phone. You kept them there so it was easier to study on the go, instead of taking notes in your computer like everyone else. And you had a final in two days and already lost half of all the braincells you could spare that morning in search of one of your stupid friends and brothers. And so the panic ensued. You started to hyperventilate immediately and could tell Alice noticed when her eyes grew twice as big as they usually were.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” She took your hands in hers, a method she learned would help someone to focus. It worked on you for a split second, but then you were back to panicking. There was no way you could have all the work done and all the notes taken again in time for the test, you’d fail and have to repeat the entirety of the class and then you’d mess up all your curriculum and have to postpone other classes to still maybe graduate on time and you knew you had to graduate on time otherwise there would be no way you could maintain yourself without your parent’s help and being the youngest you knew they were getting fed up with their children needing stuff all the time and- “Hey, y/n. Breathe.”

You took a deep breath on auto-pilot and finally focused on Alice on her knees in front of you. “All my notes are on my phone, I really need it today.”

“Ok, I’ll drive to Yoongi’s and see if he has it, I have a key to his place, I’m sure we can find it.” She stood up, and you realized she was already showered and dressed, probably doing it all while you called the guys non stop. “I'll come back as soon as possible, I’m taking my phone but keep your computer on so I can message you on facebook if I find out anything” she gave you a peck on the head and left without looking back.

You started to pace around the room, but finally you realized it was to no use and took your books to the living room, sitting on the floor by the coffee table to try and redo all your work, just in case your phone was lost forever.

Jungkook woke up earlier then he wished he did, but he was getting late on school work because of all the practices and end-of-year games he was playing, so he had to make the best out of his weekends. He had a test on Monday and although it wasn’t a final, yet, it still accounted for a good amount of his grade. He also needed to tidy up the place and get his laundry done. There were few things in life that Jungkook took as seriously as his laundry, he just couldn’t stand dirty clothes piling up and his worst nightmare came through when the washing machine in his building broke. Lucky for him, the dorms were closer than the boy’s place and Alice was nice enough to give him clearance to use the machines that were on the basement, and so he had been doing for a while.

He parked his car as close as he could to the entrance and noticed Alice’s wasn’t in it’s usual place. He went straight to the basement, taking his clothes with him in a white laundry sack. Getting there it wasn’t hard to spot the machine assigned to your floor. The building had three rooms per floor and a machine for each of them, with a couple baskets provided and a schedule on the wall. The time assigned for Alice and you was mornings, but you usually washed your clothes late night, after the other room had taken theirs out, so you wouldn’t have to wait there, just having to return the next morning to retrieve your clean itens. Jungkook didn’t knew this when he first started taking his clothes there, just assuming one of you was faster then him in the mornings. 

It was Alice that explained this habit of yours to him, and told him she usually just took your belongings out and left on the basket on top of the machine, so you’d just come and collect it later. He started to do the same and for the first couple of times it was all innocent, but he grew annoyed fairly quick and, just as a small social experiment, started to take an item of your clothing every time he found the washing machine filled with your stuff. It wasn’t supposed to go on for as long as it did, but you never noticed and so he kept going. It has been almost a month now, and he had already filled a drawer at his place with your stuff; mismatched socks, a few shirts, a pair of jeans he knew you liked and even a bra once, granted, but he only took it because the thought of you, at 21, still wearing bras with cute animal printed on them amused him to his core.

He did the same that day, picking up a grey sweater he had seen you wearing a lot lately and putting it inside his bag. He took out his phone to listen to some music while he waited, and realized he had a few missed calls from Alice, and a message on the group chat asking if anyone had seen your phone. He almost forgot about it this morning, but at the last second he remembered to take it with him to drop it off to you. He had done nothing bad to it, just took a couple of selfies so you’d remember who saved your ass when you retrieved it, and just before he could do anything else, another message popped up on the group chat.

Alice (yg gf): srsly guys, where are you?  Alice (yg gf): I’m @ Yoongi’s and he’s not here?? Alice (yg gf): Has anyone seen anyone? Alice (yg gf): Jungkook doesn’t seem to be home either??? Alice (yg gf): unless,,,, is he dead? Did any of you finally ended him? Alice (yg gf): (jk JK, ily) Alice (yg gf): aha jk jk, got it? I’m so funny lol

Jungkook chuckled to himself and began to type, but someone else was faster.

RM hyung: what got into you this morning? Alice (yg gf): Finally! Do you know where’s everybody? RM hyung: Nope RM hyung: Just got home, there’s no one here Alice (yg gf): wtf where’s everyone? Your sister’s freaking out RM hyung: ?? Alice (yg gf): she lost her phone Alice (yg gf): all of her notes were on it RM hyung: let me shower and I’ll send her what I have from last year Alice (yg gf): yeah do that Alice (yg gf): and pls let me know if you find anyone else Alice (yg gf): I’m going to Jin’s to see if there’s anyone there RM hyung: for sure RM hyung: ttyl

Jungkook locked his phone and took yours from his other pocket, climbing the stairs to your floor so he could return it to you. He only ringed the doorbell twice before you opened the door. Your hair was a mess and he could tell you still haven’t showered. You were wearing the same shirt as the night before and a pair of sweater pants, and the look you gave him when you opened the door warned him you were not in a good mood.

“Hey..?” He greeted you, uncertain.

“What do you want?” He widened his eyes at your rude response and you felt a bit bad and took a deep breath “I'm just having a terrible morning"

“Something related to this?” Jungkook lifted your phone so you could see it and you grabbed it immediately. It had run out of battery but it sure was yours. “You’re welcome."

“Oh my god I’ve been looking for this all morning” you stepped back inside, going to your room to retrieve your charger and turn your phone back on as soon as possible. “You have no idea the hell I’ve been in without it”

Jungkook followed you, closing the front door behind him. He took in the mess you made out of the living room. There was a cup of probably cold coffee staining the glass table and your books were open everywhere. Your laptop was also open but on the sofa, and he could see the messenger tab opened in Alice’s contact and way more blue messages then gray ones, so you must’ve been spamming her without a break ever since she left. There was a blanket on the floor, even though the heater was on a very high temperature, and he picked up a pink marker on his way to your room that he believed was in your hand just seconds before.

“Really why can’t you pick up your phone?” You plugged in your phone but it wouldn’t turn on just yet, so you were pacing around, picking up stuff and dropping it again, clearly anxious and trying to occupy your hands with something “I've been freaking out since I woke up, you could’ve at least texted Alice last night to tell her you had it. I have to tell her you’re here, she’s driving around town looking for any of you, really, what happened after we left for you all to disappear? Yoongi hates to sleep over anywhere that’s not his house, oh great, now I’m worried something bad happened to anyone else. But if it was serious we would know, right? I just really have to focus on the test I have monday, I can’t stress with anyone else’s business. That’s why I never had friends, they’re so much work! Now I have to worry about weather Jimin and Hobi and oh God even my brothers, I have no idea where they are either and I can’t even begin to-"

Jungkook couldn’t stand your pacing around anymore, and as much as he tried to grab your attention to explain, you never. stopped. talking. So he did the only thing he could think of that would surely shut you up: he kissed you. And you know what? You kissed him back. But only for a second before you pushed him away.

“What the fuck?” You were trying to catch your breath. If because of all the talking or the kiss not even you were sure, but Jungkook had this smug smile on his face and you just hated it.

“I couldn’t shut you up” He stated, like it was nothing.

“Never do that again! What if anyone find’s out oh no they already think there’s something weird between us now is not the time to-“… and he kissed you again. But now he had his hands on your waist, pulling you closer, and you took a little longer to react.

“Will you stop?” You pushed him away, confused about the whole situation.

“You were going to start spiraling again, I’m just doing preventive control”

“I'm not going to deal with this now” you turned around, searching your phone again, but it was still dead. You pretended to check the cord, that you knew for sure was just fine, but could still feel Jungkook’s eyes on you. “Stop looking at me.”

“I'm not.” Jungkook deviated way too fast, just giving you the confirmation that he really was watching.

“What are you still doing here, anyway?” You turned back at him and he had his hand on his back, scratching mindless, the motion lifted his shirt just enough for you to peek at his v line. He wasn’t looking at you, so he didn’t notice it, but when your eyes finally locked, you could see there was something there that was new.

“I don’t know, really. Waiting to see if I have to shut you up again…?” He gave you a boyish smile, and although you tried to remain annoyed, the corner’s of your mouth gave you away. “You liked it.” His smile grew.

“No I didn’t" you were quick to answer this time, trying to get out of your room and back to your studies, but Jungkook held your waist again, softer this time, and made you look at him.

“I can do it again” it was barely a whisper, but you were close enough that you understood it perfectly. You couldn’t deny that the kiss did indeed shut your mind up for a bit, as well as your mouth, and it would be nice to have the distraction. You stood on the tip of your toes and started getting closer to him. But you also had to study quite a lot that day, and Alice would be back any second now.

Jungkook noticed your uncertainty and, before he himself could think too much about this, he closed the distance between the two of you.

This kiss lasted longer, at first he was shy, but when you reciprocated, the both of you established a rhythm and he opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, to which you responded doing the same. He had one of his hands still on your waist and the other at the back of your neck, pulling you closer. You had both of yours on his chest, filling him up a little, you admitted. The first move came from you, lowering your fingers through his torso, stopping just at the hem of his shirt. He broke off the kiss and took a good look at your face. Your pupils had doubled in size and a silent question was asked. The answer was your lips back on his. There was anger in the touch, but also passion. He knew the best sex came from either of those scenarios, and the thought of having a bit of both excited him to no end. You motioned for him to take of his shirt and you separated a little for him to do so, finding each other again immediately after. You closed the door and took a few steps back, until you felt the edge of your bed behind your knees. The both of you found the mattress while breaking the kiss for just enough time so you could appreciate his nice physique. 

He started to lift off your shirt and you raised your arms to allow him. 

“Didn't pick you out as a no-bra girl” he breathed out, trying to mask how turned on he was at the sight of your exposed breasts. You rolled your eyes and pulled him back to you, scratching him on the back of the neck as a warning sign, but it had the opposite effect, as all it took from the boy over you was a moan. “I can play dirty too”.

Jungkook then bit on your lip while moving his hand all the way under you to grab your ass, giving it a harsh squeeze. You jumped a little in surprise, but had no other reaction seeing as not a second later he grinded a bit on you. You opened your legs more as a reflex, letting him get comfortable between them. You started to move your hips a bit, trying to get in sync with him while still keeping the rhythm of the kiss. You could feel how hard he was getting and the sounds he made gave you all the clearance you needed to extend one hand between the two of you and start to draw the outline of his member on his pants. He groaned into the kiss and you could feel yourself getting wet because of the sound and the friction.

You started to kiss his neck and he freed one of his hands only to untie the knot on your sweater pants and make his way in between your legs, starting to move his fingers in circles over your panties. You could feel how hard he was and shoved him from over you so you could both get naked already, before any of you had the chance to second guess what you were doing. You never saw someone take off their pants as fast as Jungkook took his, but you were quick to follow.

Before he could get himself comfortable on top of you again, you signaled for him to lie down on your bed “I like to be on top”, his eyes widened not because he was surprised, honestly, he knew you were a control freak, but the time it took him to get comfortable was enough so he could get a good look at your body and damn, he was turned on. You started to kiss him again and he moved one of his hands to massage your clit in between the two of you.

“Don't you want a little bit more of foreplay?” He broke the kiss again to ask but your only answer was to motion on top of his hard member, silencing him immediately. He helped you get in position and soon enough you could feel him getting inside of you. It took you a moment to adjust to his size. It’s been a while since you last got laid and you admit you started to forget the feeling. “Is this okay?” Jungkook had his hand on your waist, waiting for you to move first, you could tell it was taking a tool on him, but his eyes showed nothing but concern. That is, until you started moving. He closed his eyes and threw his had back as you began to go up and down on him, slowly at first but in a nice rhythm.

He started to help you out a bit, guiding your waist with his hands, and you lowered yourself to kiss his exposed neck a bit more. The position gave you the extra friction you needed and you started to move faster. You bit his collar bones as he moaned, and you could feel his chest getting sweaty, but it didn’t bother you at all. He started to trust harder into you and you could feel yourself getting close to your climax, he grabbed the back of your neck pulling you closer so he could kiss you some more, and you could tell he was not far either, as his movements were starting to get sloppy. 

You were really almost there when a sound deviated your attention. On your bedside table your phone had just turned on, and an avalanche of notifications came through all at once. It served as a wake up call and before you could do anything else, you felt Jungkook coming undone under you. You lifted yourself from him and he tried to hug you to keep you close, but you were already getting up from the bed and looking for your clothes. You couldn’t see the expression on the boy’s face as you got dressed again, but confusion was a given. There were few moments in his life where Jungkook was left speechless, specially after having sex with a good looking girl, but you really threw him off. He didn’t know how to react at the sudden change of mood, and could just lay there, watching you get as far from him as possible. Was he that bad at sex? He was sure he wasn’t. Granted, this time wasn’t his best, but he could tell you were enjoying just a moment ago.

You walked to your phone to check what was on it once you were fully dressed again, and with you peripheral vision you could see Jungkook getting up to put on his clothes too. Aside from a few social media notifications, and a few messages from your classmates either asking you for your notes or sending you theirs, it wasn’t much. That is, until you saw a few texts from Alice.

Alice <3: ok asshole I know you have y/n’s phone Alice <3: i’m going home now to tell her Alice <3: and as much as it annoys me Alice <3: i don’t want you dead Alice <3: and you will be as soon as I tell her you have it Alice <3: so you should probably show up Alice <3: like really fast

“You have to go” you didn’t even look at Jungkook and you had no time to worry about hurting his feelings right now “Alice is coming”

“Oh shit, okay.” He only had his shirt left to put back and as he was doing it you got a final glance of his abs. Damn it y/n now was really not the time. “We should talk about this though” Did he catch you staring? From the smirk on his face, probably. But again: now was not the time.

“I was stressed, you were there, no big deal, we talked, now please go” you said while walking to your front door, with Jungkook trailing behind.

“No, I mean it” he was annoyed “I don’t want to make things weird” you took a deep breath with your back turned to him. You didn’t want things to get weird either, and you knew it was best if the two of you took a minute to talk about it, but the thought of Alice getting home and sensing something had happened was mortifying and you didn’t want to risk it.

“It's not weird” you turned to him then, but you didn’t sound convincing at all “really, we’re good, nothing changed, I still find you an asshole, but we’re friends, let’s stay friends, alright?” His lips were pressed together in a thin line and you could not guess what he was thinking at all, but he nodded his head and grabbed his bag he had left by your entrance door. You felt bad all over again so, just as he was leaving you grabbed the hem of his shirt and made him look back at you “we're okay, right?”

He took a second to answer “yeah, we’re okay.” He didn’t change his expression, but you could tell he was genuine, so you let go of him and he left. You closed the door, but only felt relieved once you heard the heavy door of the stairs closing behind him.

You probably stayed a second too long leaning on your door, collecting your thoughts, but your phone started ringing and you noticed it was Namjoon, probably receiving all your facebook messages at once and wondering if you were alive. You would worry about Jungkook some other time, you had a final to ace.

…But you should probably take a shower first and relieve the rest of your stress.

Jungkook got back to the laundry room to get his things, but he didn’t even remember getting there. He was the type of person that liked cuddling after sex, even if it was just a one night stand. He really wasn't used to being thrown out as fast as you did him, and he couldn’t tell if you were really okay or if you hated him. For fuck’s sake, you were his friend's sister, what kind of mess was he getting himself into? By the time he reached the machine, he had already convinced himself that your reaction, although annoying, rude and a little bit hurtful to his ego, was probably for the best. He was removing his clothes from the washing machine when he noticed yours, still on the basket he had put them in. It would probably be there for a while and you would probably forget about it until Alice finds it and brings it up to you. 

Without a second thought, he grabbed the basket and dumped all that was on it onto his bag with his stuff. He closed it with a bit of difficulty and got the hell out of there. Jungkook was no thief, he always intended to give you your clothes back, and that hasn’t changed. He was just thinking of a more creative way to do so, now.

>A/N | I have a really hard time writing fast/small smut scenes, sorry, it will get better in the future, promise. Let me know what you think, though! Also, if your name didn't show up in the taglist please message me, I'm afraid I might get lost in the notifications and forget to add someone. Have a nice day, wherever and whoever you are :)

TAGLIST |  @w1tchcraftt​ @girlwiththeglittereyeliner​ @teresaisla​ @nctssidehoe​  @kawaiimusiccollection​ @nininek12​ @livewittykid​ @namjoonsslutakakoreanmanswhore​ @planhtarxhs​ 

TAGLIST IS OPEN!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #293

“your head upon a stick would look really sick, but they would call me crazy for the way i spoke to it”

Hey bitch, what's your fucking name? What a start, jc lmao. Brittany. What color are your nails? They're not painted. Last time you got some ass? Well this survey's gonna be a journey. Many years ago. Do your parents like your style/music choices? Yeah, at least most of it. Some music my mom really doesn't like or just hates, while I can't even imagine Dad's reaction to some bands I enjoy. Ever seen your parents make out? tbh would rather slam my ankle on a Razor scooter. What's your dream height and weight? Forget about my height, if I could just be at least 120 again... Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What do you do when your house loses power? Light a bunch of candles and carry flashlights. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek piercings. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes. I grew up going to Sunday school and church, even though I hated both. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Gah... it was a very, very big source of argumentative fuel between Mom and me all the way up to my late teenage years when she just gave up; now, it's to be expected and is completely "normal." I always wanted to be on the computer once I was introduced to it; she tried to limit my time on it, and it was without fail what she would take away whenever I was grounded. I'd even sneak onto it when I wasn't allowed to if she wasn't home and Dad was in their room. My mom really did try to keep me from being hooked on technology, she really did, it just didn't work, but dear god I wish it did. I just about turn into a caveman without some form of it, and it's pretty pathetic. Dad meanwhile has never really cared much, but he'd make a comment here and there that would make me self-conscious about it. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, and guess who would be ignored for the rest of their lives if they did. It's so fucking disrespectful and objectifying to me. If someone wants to send a partner something like that by their own volition, that's cool, but asking, that just seems incredibly rude to me and turns the person into an object of lust. Ever been so scared you pissed? Caaan't say I have. Can you watch scary movies at night and not be scared? Yeah, they've never really fazed me. Last reason you got your cell taken away? I actually don't know if that's ever happened, given the aforementioned computer thing. I was never hooked on my phone. Could you handle working on a farm? Nooooo, that is way too much physical exertion. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No. Have you ever had to put an animal to sleep? ugh Do you have a favorite type of firework? Well, visually I really just like the big colorful ones, but I don't endorse the use of fireworks anymore. Some animals literally die from fear, they can be seriously upsetting to veterans with PTSD (you could have one in your neighborhood and never know you indirectly gave them a panic attack), and they're a large source of litter. Where would/did you get your first tattoo? My right wrist. What's your favorite kind of pet? Snakes. Favorite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is obviously the coolest. It's always been my fave. How many pets do you have? Sigh, just two. Our landlord doesn't want us to get anymore pets than what we came in with. What were two of your favorite Disney movies as child? The Lion King and Finding Nemo. They're still my favorite Disney movies. When carving pumpkins, how do you decide what you're going to do? I haven't carved a pumpkin in years... so idk. Do you own any art supplies? Some, yeah. Do you believe you have a higher IQ than most? Definitely not. What is the name of the doctor that delivered you? I have no clue. Mom knows him for sure because she's mentioned him from my childhood, but I don't. Have you ever seen a Lamborghini in person? Hunny, I live in rural North Carolina. You don't see that level of bougie here lmao. Shane Dawson: funny or annoying? I honestly think he's fucking hilarious. I just have such conflicting feelings about him after "the drama," hearing so many people's opinions (particularly from those who know him so well, like his fiance and Ryland's sister), fact checking, audio cutting and mixing, the whole "people change" philosophy... I don't know. When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last? I ain't touchin' strawberry. Gross. If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick? I'd wanna be a shapeshifter/druid. What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers? Yikes, sex toys. Given my age, I'd say if I bought adult diapers, people would assume they weren't for me. I'm awkward enough with all things relating to sex to begin with, so. What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Yo wtf I never have and never will (intentionally) kill an animal. Well, correction: I've killed bugs before, the biggest probably being some spider or something, but I really try to avoid this now. Could you win the Hunger Games? lol hell to the fuck no, have you seen me??? For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing? ... Maybe? Not saying I wanna find out, though. Have you ever been punched in the face? No, plan on keeping it that way. Is morality universal or relative? I question this myself. Who is your favorite late night talk show host? I don't have one. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They stay in my purse. Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? Neither. The sheer variety of questions relating to coffee and tea in surveys boggles my mind, always feel left out that I can't answer 'em lmao. What’s your phone background picture? My lock screen is this pretty, soft aesthetic screen that has "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough" written in the center. I've really needed it for my mental health lately. My home screen is some meerkats. I know, can you believe neither are currently Mark? Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty. How do you cope with anxiety? Deep breathing, mindfulness and grounding exercises, confiding in my mom, listening to music (usually my favorite calm, instrumental soundtracks, like from the Silent Hill franchise - particularly the second game! - or Shadow of the Colossus), try to nap, play a game as a distraction, watch my favorite YouTubers (typically something funny)... I'm lucky to have learned a lot. Now, if only I could cope with social anxiety... What was the last takeout food you ate? Oh Jesus, how embarrassing is this timing, seeing as it was one of my unhealthiest fast food orders: Son of the Baconator and Baconator fries from Wendy's. It was so fuckin good tho. Who makes you laugh the most? My friend Girt. What does a successful relationship look like to you? One with great communication and total honesty, and when you are able to build each other up and bring out the best in your partner. It's also imperative for you to feel safe being your authetic safe for me to consider it "successful." What do you like to put on your baked potato? "Salt, pepper, butter, cheese, bacon bits." <<<< That's how we do it, lads. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th, but not for good reasons. Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? That's easy as hell, mountains. I don't like the beach. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Not gonna like what I see no matter what, but I'd like to make sure I don't look worse whan what's normal. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. What do you like to dip your fries in? It varies between ketchup and honey mustard. What’s your favorite kind of museum? Science. Do you believe in alternate universes? Nah, I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Mostly just Pokemon GO nowadays. I haven't touched Dragons of Atlantis in a long time... Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Jason's older brother is red/green colorblind, I think? Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? Middle. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Ugh, I need to finish decorating my damn room... Got most of the stuff on the walls now, but it's still pretty skeletal in self expression. My motivation is abysmal. Have you ever flown a kite? Oh yeah, I loved to fly a kite with Dad as a little kid when the tobacco field just across the road was barren. Who was the last person you talked about sex/relationships with? My doctor. How many brothers does your father have? I'm almost certain he doesn't have one, just one sister. Do you think you act older or younger than your actual age? It depends on the situation. When it comes to "adulting," I don't have a fuckin clue what I'm doing. I doubt anyone would believe I'm a month shy of 25. In terms of general maturity, I think I act my age, if not older. When was the last time you swam in a pool? It's been years. What are your parents' views on your relationships? Mom is always very supportive so long as they treat me right; she's taken to all my previous partners very well and treated them like family, too. My dad is also supportive as long as I'm treated properly and happy. Is your best friend dating anyone? No. Have you ever babysat before? Twice, but not really willingly. Way too stressful. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? It took a very, very long time, but all pictures with Jason are forever deleted. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Not a huge crush, no. Ever watched porn? No. You do you, but I don't see the appeal of watching some random people fuck. Ever performed in a talent show? No. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nope. How many celebrity crushes have you had? I'd say Jesse McCartney, Link Neal, and Mark Fischbach are my only BIG celeb crushes I've had. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? I dunno, don't feel like reaching back and counting. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Not visually, but with my adoration of animals. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? Oh, I'm sure. None that are horribly embarrassing though, or else I would have deleted them. Ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen a therapist since the 6th grade. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yep. A Facebook message? Sure have, when I was beyond done arguing with a former friend. A friend request? No, I just decline or accept it. My page is private, so you can't see my activity, and it's not like they get notified if it's declined, Would you say you read into things too much? I am the fucking sovereign of this. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I love my mom to death, but no. I'd be disappointed. Ever had a credit card denied? I've never had one in the first place. Ever had the lead in a play? No. I do remember though in elementary school, I was real bummed that I wasn't Snow White for one we did for Music class. What about a solo in a concert? Never been in a concert. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Well. One, she's long past menopause. Two, because of ovarian cancer, she had all those organs removed. So, that would be impossible. Have you ever had a threesome? No; I'm personally strictly monogamous and would feel it to be disloyal, even if my parnter was okay with it. What's the last game you used dice for? Not a clue. Are you interested in surfing at all? Have you ever been? No. What brand of bottled water do you prefer? Essentia. What is your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. What is your favorite chocolate candy? motherfuckin REESE'S Have you ever been called a racial slur? No, considering I'm Caucasian. Why did you last stand in line? I was at the doctor's office, I think? What is your favorite pirate movie? /shrug What is your favorite character from Orange Is the New Black? I've never watched it. What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Watching the ending to Paranormal Entity was VERY uncomfortable. It was a decently scary movie, but the ending was seriously intense. When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? I don't recall. Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? I don't know. What are you interested in that most people aren’t? The sheer degree of my love for meerkats would definitely be missed by probably most people. What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I dunno. Anything I could think of, the most current products probably already have and I'm just uninformed of them. Like, I use a Tracfone lmao. What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Their plastic usage and disposal. I'm certainly no saint when it comes to plastic either, but I try to do all I can. What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? Hm, ARE there any? Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? This depends on what you consider "better" and "worse." Environmentally, I honestly don't think mankind can maintain itself for that many more generations at the rate we're currently at, so that's probably just gonna keep getting worse. On the other hand, advances in medicine and things like that will certainly continue to improve quality of life in that sense. Human rights are getting better and better. I do fear that we're becoming too comfortable with laziness and convenience, but I hope that's a decline we don't continue to venture down. What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? I had a college classmate named Apple. Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? Oh, come on now. It's not a competition. What game have you spent the most hours playing? So. When you type /played in World of Warcraft, it will show you your total playtime, and mine is YIKES. Like, around a year's worth of time of pure playing since 2014, I think. What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? I don't recall. What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? When I did WiiFit religiously and lost around 40 pounds in HS. I was in the best shape of my life. What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? Oh, there's certainly something. Probably some Unus Annus clip. That channel was a fucking blessing and a curse all the same. If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? Oh boy, I'd have to think, but probably somewhere in Rome or Greece. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? I'm unsure. Probably jumping in the pool as a kid. My sisters and I would nag Dad to put the pool up on like the very first day of spring, so of course it was cold, but as a kid, I didn't mind that. What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? Hm. What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? Ha ha yiiiikes, struggle foods... I don't know, but I've had some. What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Herping, though I change my mind on-and-off about it. I'm not very into the idea of disturbing wildlife just because they're cool and you wanna check them out. I'd totally go exploring with a camera, though, and not actually pick anything up. If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? Hm... I actually think something like an art museum for the mentally ill would be pretty interesting and educational? Even something that could build empathy. Maybe mix some psychology in there to understand conditions.

[brotanicalgarden]

My Drunk Review of Imploding the Mirage

Hey so I’m a dumbass and listened to the new Killers album today because I really wanted to know what the studio version of Blowback sounds like. After listening to it I was like wait is this what all the songs sound like? And listened to the other songs that hadn’t yet been released and here’s my review. TL:DR At bottom

-YES I am taking into account the sexual assault allegations. So yes, I do think this album and band sucks in large part because of that. I will not buy this album or stream it again. Tbh I’m considering burning my Killers posters.

-This album also sucks whether the allegations exist or not.

Like seriously, this is a bad album

-I expected so much more from Blowback and like the lyrics are still good but like why would you make it 80s pop???? This is about escaping trauma, there should be a delicacy and resilience to it and instead it feels trivialized. 2/10 as someone with PTSD, a survivor of childhood abuse, and a survivor of sexual assault I am offended. Sincerely. I’m actually offended by this song.

-All of the songs are kind of the same? Like I get wanting a cohesive album but this album really lacks the lyricism and general song variation I’m used to hearing from them. Why do they rely on Bruce Springsteen so much? Like idk man. Day & Age did this so much better???? Also My God is just cringey af idk what’s wrong with that song but just no. The lyrics are no and it’s too synth poppy.

-The song Imploding the Mirage started out GREAT. They first few lyrics “I was a timid, Rockwellian boy She was tattooed and ready to deploy” gave me chills and reminded me of the old Killers. But then the rest of it legitimately sucked. Like what the hell you start off so good and then the instrumental gets weird and the lyrics are just bland?

-The reason I liked The Killers for so long was for their lyricism and this album has basically none. Get it together, Brandon.

-Also Dave is notably absent. The guitar lines in this album SUCK ASS. I respect his choice to leave but they need to replace him with someone decent. 

-I was super excited when Caution came out cause it was workable. It felt like the kind of song that was playing to several audiences to be a hit single and was a simple glimpse of what the album might contain and then wasn’t.

-ALSO as someone who is WHITE TRASH TM, I don’t appreciate how often brandon uses the phrase White Trash. It works in Blowback cause it’s powerful and it reads well. Like yeah I’m constantly viewed as white trash and typecast because of that too, I get it and it resonates. But like knowing a lot of this album is about Tana makes me feel like he’s just criticizing and belittling her and other women like her. Brandon honey, I’m White Trash and YOU’RE IN TROUBLE.

-AGAIN I JUST WANT TO STRESS HOW OFFENSIVE I FIND THIS VERSION OF BLOWBACK. THE GOOD MORNING AMERICA VERSION ON THE PIANO WAS GREAT BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE HE WAS TAKING IT SERIOUSLY AND BEING DELIBERATE WITH HIS WORDS BUT THE STUDIO VERSION FEELS LIKE HE WANTS TO MAKE A DANCE HIT BY EXPLOITING HIS WIFE’S TRAUMA. DISLIKE. I HATE IT.

-And of course FUCK THE KILLERS for the sexual assault allegations and refusing to do basically anything. Chez Cherrie has talked about not being able to get in touch with the legal team and then receiving threatening messages from them. They clearly don’t care and I don’t care if it was over a decade ago or not SHIT IS STILL FUCKED UP AND DISGUSTING.

-Seriously if you’re a survivor of sexual assault I stand with you. I will never be able to see justice for what happened to me (thanks to BITCHASS BETSY DEVOS) and my assaulter will never face any consequences for their actions. But I truly hope that those who were victims under The Killers negligence and complicity will be able to find justice and solace and I wish the same to all of the other survivors out there. My heart especially goes out to those in situations like mine, we deserve justice, we deserve so much better. Please know that I love, care about, and support you.

-Also it’s REAL fucked up that The Killers fandom is called The Victims now. Just gonna call that one out.

TL:DR OVERALL: DON’T BUY ITM BECAUSE THE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS MEAN WE SHOULDNT SUPPRT TK AND ALSO THIS ALBUM IS ACTUALLY OBJECTIVELY TERRIBLE. This album fucking sucks. Like Wonderful Wonderful was bad and I get trying to get footing in there current music scene but this is inexcusable tbh. Like wtf. And the sexual assault allegations only make it worse. It’s a one trick pony with shitty lyrics, the same fucking style and syncopation in every song, played by shitty people who are complicit in sexual assault. Also as someone with PTSD who is a survivor of childhood abuse and sexual assault later in life, I’m fucking offended by the studio version of Blowback. Please, turn trauma into your next shitty dance hit. Also stop using the term White Trash. We get it, you think poorly of your wife and people like her.

XOXO

SIncerely,

The Most White Trash Bitch On The Block

Your Favorite Tufts Senior

-MAD

[tdotsspot]

2020.....

Wow, it’s been almost TWO years since I've posted anything on here. I’ve thought about it from time to time, but never sat to actually say anything. I just looked at my last two posts....so funny. This is why I'll probably always keep this....just to look back, see where I was, who I was.

But back to 2020 bc HONESTLY this year is the one to go. down. in the mother. fucking. books. 

2019 was literally the best year of my life. It was the year I did the most traveling, the year I made the most money...it was like, perfect until the end. I went to Puerto Rico and St Thomas....Atlanta, Boston of course, MARTHA’S VINEYARD FINALLY and even though I've been there 100 times, this was the absolute best. Of course having Dameo was a plus, getting to show him my childhood summers, but Unc let me use the Mercedes which I legit fell in love with, we met Danny Glover which was crazy, I got the brass ring on my first try lol, and we had a lot of good food. LA, was amazing, I miss it so much....NY.....I feel like I’m missing a city, oh yes, dc! That was a fun drunk night.

Late November for Britt’s bday we all went out and that was the first time I was ever real life drunk around his fam, but it was so much fun. The next week....nana passed. It was sad, weird....I hadn’t lost someone in a really long time, and I was there to see some of her last lucid moments. We definitely got closer over the last two years or so since I visited her a good amount, and it made me more sad than I thought. I’m glad I got to have those moments with her, it was cool to get a grandmother again. Made me miss nanny a lot though...

A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant! It was planned, we were excited although tbh I was kind of freaking out. A baby??? Like a whole ass human? No more weed, liquor, or runny eggs??? HOW SWAY! I don’t think I was ready yet, and a few weeks after that, RIGHT before Christmas, RIGHT before we were going to tell the family, I had a miscarriage. Goodness, I really wasn’t ready for that, at all. Obviously it’s common, but I never thought I’d have one....I was healthy, in a healthy relationship....happy....how the hell did this happen? Unfortunately we already told our moms at that time, partially to help cheer ang, and I knew my mom would be hype as well. I knew it was early, but I told some close friends as well. The pain I felt from that, I just didn't really expect. It was, really sad....I delayed our trip to Boston twice because I really just couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed and sit on a train for 6 hours. I almost canceled altogether but KNOWING NOW THAT THE FUCKING WORLD WAS GOING TO SHUT DOWN, I'm really glad we still went. It was reassuring to get my hugs from my mom, cry it out with her, and see the fam. Except Kendall was such a douche that visit *rolls eyes*. I did get to go see the friends pop up which LEGIT made my whole holiday. As such a huge fan, it was AMAZING, simply, amazing, and I got to enjoy it with my two older cousins and of course, the Dame. 

So that brings us to the new year of 2020. 2020 the year I think EVERYONE thought was going to be amazing, and maybe it will be. Maybe everything that’s going on albeit sad, overwhelming, insane....is in fact the year we all really needed. The Amazon was on fire, forever and as someone who truly cares about global warming that was super stressful. We almost had WWIII thanks to good old Trump, but boy oh boy....that was just the tip of the iceberg. A few weeks later AGAIN, I call my dr telling them I still haven’t gotten my period, my boobs hurt, and wtf is going on? She tells me to take another pregnancy test, which I thought was a joke because I JUST had a miscarriage weeks before, and yes we had sex, but we were ‘careful’. COME TO FIND OUT, my ass is pregnant again. I was, very confused...a little upset because I was planning on waiting a bit before trying for real again. I mean we just dealt with so much loss between nana and the miscarriage, I hadn’t even fully processed what my body just went through. I remember angrily buying the test because, those shits aren’t cheap.....peeing with the door open with Dame downstairs, (not at ALL romantic like the first time I told him) and looking down like....wait. “WHAT THE FUCK” about 3 times was said, I explained to dame this indeed does say I’m pregnant, but how?? 

30 minutes later, the world finds out Kobe Bryant died. There were a lot of emotions that day for sure. Even though I wasn’t a die hard Kobe fan or anything, for some reason this one really made me sad. Maybe because I was currently listening to a book his personal coach wrote; relentless....which is REALLY fucking good.

A week later, I'm confirmed via bloodwork that I am indeed pregnant and it’s time for take two! I didn't get excited until I passed my first trimester, just in case...but now at almost 26 weeks, I’m really excited to meet her. My babygirl! It’s still wild to know I’m about to be a mom, but I’m really pumped for both of us and I know we’ll make great parents. 

Ah yes, the mid march, covid 19 hits America. I was supposed to go on a three city tour to the west coast which I was very much looking forward to, before the world stopped. In fact, it was that very weekend, right after we had our ultrasound, the first and only visit Dame was allowed to come in, that everything stopped. A week or so later, a mid level of depression kicked in for me, which lasted about a month. I couldn’t believe that after WEEKS of puking and being dead ass tired, I was finally ready to work again, but I was Essentially unemployed. The west coast gig was a cute check, I had multiple events coming up that got canceled....weddings that got postponed, and all I could think about was I’m about to have a kid with no money. I went almost two entire months without making ANY money....luckily unemployment kicked in and I got a couple of grants I applied for because I really don’t know what I would’ve done. My mom of course was in my corner, and Dame would start working from home, but still fully employed so at least we wouldn’t be homeless. I knew there were hundreds of thousands of people in my boat, if not worse but I couldn’t help but be consumed with not making any money, and my 2020 year essentially being wiped out. 

Again, this was supposed to be MY year. Be a parent, make a lot of money, and I felt like I just fell flat on my face, in mud, and was suffocating. 

America’s approach to covid was trash, more and more people died...I was worried about my mom and aunts as they're older and more susceptible. This is the longest I've gone without seeing my mom, but thanks to technology! We literally FaceTime every day. 

I almost forgot! Red literally almost died. He got attacked by a pit that lives up the street and it was one of the scariest things I ever dealt with. We just came back from a cute little drive, it was absolutely beautiful out, and I just remember parking, letting him out for a walk, looking at a dog running but I couldn’t tell if it was on a leash or not. I then realized nope, this bitch is not on a leash, crossing the street, and watching it whip its head at me and red and sprinting across the street to attack him. I was absolutely terrified. My baby red, is literally getting mangled by a fucking pit by the neck. I’m also pregnant and scared the pit is going to attack me, that my stress is going to cause another miscarriage, and that I’m probably going to watch red die in front of my eyes. I completely blacked out on the woman who was sloppily running to get her dog off of him. Had it been a minute more, max, he would’ve been dead. I still picture it sometimes and it legit makes me so sad, but luckily he pulled through after about a week of healing, and a huge bloody abscess that needed to be drained. 

THEN about a month ago now, George Floyd was killed on tape by a cop and it changed the world. Between Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Abery dying and being cooped up for months in the house, major cities went up in flames, literally. It was a revolution that Is still happening which has caused corporate America to shove ‘black lives matter’ down our throats like black people just popped up, shown privileged ass white people who refuse to try and understand, racist fucks that just hate us so much....and the list goes on.

That’s been our year so far! and it about to get shut down again because because aren't taking covid seriously. 

Pregnancy has been really interesting though....not at all like what they show on tv and the movies. I’ve been emotional as hell crying over my body  changing....constipated af to the point where I now celebrate any time I shit, hella uncomfortable....but I know when we see her face it will indeed all be worth it. Doing this back to back though like Dame envisions....I don’t know man lol. We shall see. She's due in about 3.5 months. Check in before then....

Tdot, out. 

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace