#like... nothing is compatible. i either just hurt other people or being yelled at for reasons i see as stupid and that don't get explained

[katyspersonal]

Upset impossibly at having a kind of a brain that is so different that people are bound to misunderstand my intentions and words all the time. Like, in most of the times you cannot understand me correctly through the prism of 'well why would a normal person without autism and with a perfect grasp on social cues do that?' because I am just really different and end up concluding/saying/doing a thing with different intention and reason that most of the people would. Doesn't help that because of many factors even minimal normal social adaptation got ruined, so even for other autists I am TOO clueless and different.

Sometimes I think maybe I just give up easily. Maybe I could like, memorize 1000000 social cues and habits and why people normally do/say a thing so I could communicate myself right and be perceived right. So I would have to spend absurd amount of energy and focus on running non_autistic_person.exe every day. Until with just enough stress and pain it shuts down and I revert in my default self. But even if I could mask all the time - would this life and friendships even worth it? Would any of this worth it if to hold it all together I have to just pilot a 'normal' persona? Far better to just entrust everything on people who either just believe in me in a good way, or ASK me if something I do or say seems outright bad. They are not frequent, though, I am thankful when I find such people.

[todomitoukei]

is dabi's burns being brought up his sore point?

That's an interesting question!

To answer this, we have to first look into where his burns came from in the first place and what their significance is.

Starting out with his backstory from chapters 301 and 302 Touya's quirk seemed quite promising so that even as a kid, his dad recognized the strength of it and was clearly building up Touya's confidence while training him - leading to Touya always being ready to learn more with a big smile on his face:

But with his hair turning white and his fire already strong, his body began to not be as compatible with his quirk as it used to be, giving him tiny burns:

These burns were only temporary, but the fact alone that his own fire could hurt him horrified him because up until then, he was confident in his ability to surpass All Might and with that, being able to become the person his father wanted and needed him to be; the only person his father could be proud of.

This small sign of weakness was the turning point for Touya and his relationship with his father, who then began to spend less time with him and only gave weak excuses as to why -

which upset Touya, of course. While we do see him yell and just look angry, it's important to keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion and one that often occurs as a defense mechanism when someone feels weak and helpless. And considering Endvr abandoned every child that showed the slightest hint of weakness, it's likely to assume he didn't spend much time teaching Touya manners (since that would require him to have any himself) or teach him how to regulate his emotions (which we know he didn't since that is also why Touya later on almost died).

Touya also got defensive about his situation when Fuyumi voiced her concerns for him, saying that "I know my own body better than anyone" - and then leaving the room with tears streaming down his face without anyone able to see.

His whole relationship with his father was dependant on his quirk and overall strength, so constantly being burned by his own flames created a distance between him and the person he looked up to the most. He didn't want to be reminded of that, not even in the form of someone being concerned for his well-being, which would require him to acknowledge his weakness. If his father was already spending less time with him, what would happen if Touya actually admitted that he had a limit?

That is when he continued to train on his own in an attempt to prove everyone wrong and win his dad back. He denied his own weakness, even going as far as to make sure his scars wouldn't end up in visible places in hopes that no one would notice; putting on a happy facade to try and trick his dad into thinking that he had conquered his limits and was thus able to spend more time together again.

Moving forward a couple of years, we can see that this still affects him. During his fight with Geten in chapter 230 Dabi was acting his usual self, fighting normally and casually until Geten claims that only strength defines a person's worth which immediately shifts Dabi's mood to a serious, angered one, which is not only visible but also supported by his immediate response of "die already" (I'm gonna make a translation comparison for this fight soon!) -

It's also interesting to note that the reaction we get here is similar to chapter 115 when Dabi was going around to recruit people -

and upon being ugly, immediately looked angered and killed the criminals without hesitation. His expression is a lot more serious and cold and as many other people, like @transhawks in this incredible meta, have pointed out before - there is a huge emphasis on eyes in connection with the Todoroki family, especially Endvr, Dabi, and Shouto.

Fast forward even more and we get post-reveal Dabi, who is reflecting by himself, pointing out that he "can't feel anything" - something that applies to him both physically and mentally and it's not the first time he has pointed this out either.

The thing with Dabi is that he is probably the most self-aware character in the entire story. He knows his limits, he knows that his quirk is damaging him and that by over-using it, he is slowly killing himself, just as Shouto is pointing out in chapter 293 when he says "but you're burning up too" -

Dabi knows this. That's why he usually tends to end fights quickly because he doesn't have the stamina to drag fights out unnecessarily. So why does he do all of that if he is so aware of this?

The short answer: Because that's all he's got left.

Inside of him, there's still the little Touya that loves his father more than anything else and seeks his attention and approval. And Touya, who never did anything wrong, has always deserved to be loved unconditionally by his father. But instead, Endvr took everything away from Touya without allowing him to let go. Dabi's whole existence is a cry for help when no one would listen before and in addition, revenge for little Touya who didn't receive the love or help that he needed and asked for.

Bringing up his burns reminds him of everything he lost - the life he could have had that was taken away from him. It's a reminder that to the person he looked up to the most he's nothing but a failure. And even now he can't quite admit that he has a weakness and thus essentially give up. Even now he wants to impress his dad and prove him wrong.

So maybe his scars themselves aren't something he has a problem with; it's what they represent that still hurts him and will continue to hurt him until someone that isn't Touya (=Shouto) will fight for him and make sure he finally receives the help he needs.

[polyadvice]

Being in a polyamorous relationship is horrible for my mental health

I can't seem to handle being polyam. I can't stand my bf being with other people. The stuff from the past was harmful, things we both did to each other. I can't get the negative view of my bf out of the back of my mind, he isn't that person anymore but I haven't been able to unsee it anymore. I used to want to explore with other people sexually but I feel as if I only want him, I don't think polyam is for me anymore. But it is for my bf. And it hurts so bad because I love him so much. But I have a mental breakdown everytime he goes out. He does everything right honestly. But I can't stop over thinking and catastrophizing. I hate myself and I fear he will leave me for someone else. I keep comparing myself to people he has sex with. Once I get in that mindset I can't get out. I have problems with anxiety and depression both severe. I'm on meds and have been for 2 years but I can't find one that works. I don't want to yell at him or be rude or make him feel bad but idk what to do. I'm in therapy but I hate it and need to find a new therapist but I can't until my new insurance kicks in. I want to be better but I don't know where to start I feel so lost I feel alone I feel like I'm drowning in my own self hatred. I know I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to do things right but nothing seems to be working. I realized very recently that I said hurtful things to my bf because I wanted him to hurt how I did, how he hurt me. Which is utterly wrong and disgusting of me. He isn't that person anymore. He's great to me and I don't deserve him. I don't know what to do.

It sounds like polyamory just isn’t healthy for you. Maybe it could be under different circumstances, after finding the right therapist or the right medication cocktail, but that’s not really relevant. No one is obligated to “therapize” themselves into being okay with something that feels painful or unpleasant.

A relationship should help you feel like your best self. If you’re in a situation that’s triggering you into behaviors you feel are “utterly wrong and disgusting,” that’s not okay.

It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you didn’t try hard enough to be in a polyamorous relationship. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend, either. It just means the circumstances aren’t working for you, and that you two aren’t compatible.

Imagine if two people were dating, and one person got the dream research gig up in the Arctic. Their partner thought they could handle moving up there, and that it would be a fun adventure and worth it to stay with their partner. But once they got there, the freezing temperatures and long dark nights took an immense toll on their mental health. It doesn’t mean that they had failed, or that they were wrong to try. It does, however, mean that now they have more information about whether that arrangement would work for them, and that they need to leave the Arctic so they can live their best life and be happy and healthy.

I wish you good luck finding a therapist you can work with and continuing your journey to live a life that feels fulfilling. Part of that journey is figuring out what helps you be your best self and live your best life, and then acting on that information. It sounds like staying in a polyamorous relationship isn’t right for you at this time. Ending things with your boyfriend will hurt, but it will free you to pursue a relationship that’s going to meet your needs and help you grow.

[abbynx]

La Squadra Esecuzione as Best Friends Headcanons

Formaggio - Very chill, first and foremost, he is down for anything to do. Videogames? He'll try to beat your ass. Cat cafes? Heck ye he is down - The type of friend who will coax you to cut class to hang out behind the school or climb over the school fence to hang around the local arcade or theatre. But if he get caught, he won't snitch and he's willing to take responsibility. Begrudgingly. - Ohhhh physical touch is bare minimum for him. He'll occasionally lean on you, perhaps shrink himself to fit himself in your pocket just to platonically cuddle and perhaps, use you as a transport. - Will high five you as a greeting, and will high five you as a farewell. Usually followed by a hug too uwu "Bro!" He holds his hand out for a high five, in which you instinctively grant him one, when he also entwines his fingers through yours and pulling you for a hug, patting your back for a second and pulling away. "I missed you bro!" - Prepare for dumb jokes, dumb puns that he effortlessly come up with as time goes by. You can't go on a day without him cracking a joke. You'd either roll your eyes at it or laugh along with him. There's nothing in between "You see that guy over there, bro?" He leans on you, arm draped around your shoulder as he points at a person from afar. "Yeah, what?" "I say... You'd be a perfect match." You glanced at him, hearing him shake a box of matches as he wiggled his eyebrows with a dumb grin. - *Finger guns and bro intensifies* Illuso - That weird person you don't see yourself associating yourself with somehow befriended him for some reason. Most likely started when you both started to wake up at 3 AM and meet in the middle of the dark, in the kitchen, wanting to grab something to eat. At first it is awkward, but soon you learned to bond through it! And soon enough, your midnight chats extended to become actual friendships! - Seems distant, but he cares. He's the type pretend not to care about you, but will glare (or more than glare depending at the severity) at people who hurt you. He is the 'I'm the only one allowed to insult them like that' type of friend. "Huh, Formaggio hasn't been teasing me. I wonder what happened." You wondered aloud, as you say beside your friend Illuso. "Must be because of his bruised jaw. The previous mission must've been tough for him." "Yeah... That..." - Probs touched-starved. He acts irritated and push you away when you try to hug him, but secretly loves it. If you stop trying to hug him, he'd be kinda sad but will not say anything. - This friendship includes you listening to him rant about every little thing, and brag about things he can't do. He appreciates you listening to be honest, and that's initially how your friendships started anyways. - Will use derogatory terms as a term of endearment. Please don't be offended, he doesn't mean any offense "Hey idiot! Get your sorry ass right here! Risotto said we have someone to take care of!" "Thanks, dumbass." "Eyo slut! Take a look at this fugly idiot!" - Does not have the habit of knocking. In fact, he just barges into your room, through the mirror. In more than one occasion has he seen you undressed but he couldn't care less about it. "Hey dumbass can I borrow your— hey, stop screaming! Anyways I ran out of hair ties, do me a solid—" - Everyone around you being confused to how you two are most unlikely to become friends, but you two are practically unlikely twins Prosciutto - You can not stop me from assuming he is quite the mom friend if you pry his shell hard enough. Perhaps a mom friend mixed with tsundere friend. "Hey! Drink your water or I'll break your ankles! No I don't care that we're in the middle of killing someone! I packed you some water and you didn't drink it! Well shit I didn't pack it specifically for you, I just managed to pack extra! Now go ahead and drink, I'll handle this one myself! While you're at it, coat yourself with sunscreen! If I hear you whining about being burnt, I swear to God—" - If you happen to be a mom friend too, you'd be bonding over the

mutual stress of having to look over the rest of the gang over a glass of wine as chaos around you ensues because you two decided to take a small break. "Formaggio and Ghiaccio is up at it again..." You sigh, swirling the content of your stemware as the distant bickering of the two aforementioned assassins echoed. "Just... Let's just lay low. It'll be over soon." Prosciutto sighs along as well, before downing his glass of whiskey. "Hopefully." And it didn't end, as it ensued and progressive got worse. Stands were called, knives were thrown, guns were shot. And two mom friends of La Squadra almost lost their voice from all the yelling and lecturing - Will scold you for your bad habits. Bad posture? He will walk behind you, press his knee on your back and roll your shoulders back whilst he lectures you about it. Messy time management? Will buy you crap to make you keep track of time. Sleeping so late? He will take whatever you're distracted with, demand you to turn your lights off as he lights soothing scented candles and tossing you some comfortable blankets to use. Barely taking care of yourself? Bro prepare yourself. "I don't understand how you live like this! You'd be dead if you were to continue that habit! At least help me help you to make you be better!" - Very blunt and honest to the point it stings, but he never lies to people he is closed to. He prefers being upfront with his loved ones and will try to rebuild their confidence and reassure them that they can be better than what they are. "When I say you're idiotic, you're but a burden, I mean it. You have all rights to be hurt by it, but don't just live with it. Prove me wrong, that you can be better than that and you'll be the best version of yourself. I know you can do it." - Will accept hugs, but will most likely not hug back. Maybe he'll just out one hand on your back and lightly stroke it, but that's it. But in rare occasions, he will return them too. Sometimes, he'll even initiate it. - Your connection to him as a friend has lead several advantages. No one in general can make a negative comment about you with Prosciutto around. His glare alone was scary and they would not wish to stick around and find out what he can do than just glaring. - Extremely appreciates when you help him around by simply carrying things for him, fetching him coffee and actually doing your damn job properly is enough to make him be filled with gratitude. Pesci - Baby. Okay, so this boy. Boy oh boy, he is baby. Take care of him, bro. Don't coddle him to the point of him being entirely dependent on you, but sis you can always reassure and make him improve himself! Perhaps a tamer version of his relationship with his brother. - You two will mostly likely be friends because you always defend him from the others from teasing him and rooting for him. He is very grateful for it and can't thank you enough. Either that, or Prosciutto paid you to babysit him. - Will constantly cling on your arm when he's anxious. It's up to you whether you'll snap at him and slap his hand away, or just let him hang around you. He'll just simply grab your wrist, and sooner and later he'd have his body pressed against yours, completely clinging on the entirety of your arm. "D-don't leave me, Y/N! I'm scared—!" - He is extremely thankful for you watching over him and protecting and by this, he tries to improve himself a lot more just so he can confidently say he can watch over you and protect you as well - Just the sweetest little thing, whenever he'd be away with Prosciutto for a mission he'd return home bearing gifts from travel and he'd give it to you. It would be something either miniature, or something practical like a knife sharpener or something. "I-I got this for you... I hope you like it! Big bro helped me pick!" - Honestly, I can imagine him just being the best, supportive and encouraging friend there could be. If ever you needed someone to confide in, he'd just sit and listen and will certainly not repeat what you told him to others. He'll try his best to comfort

you, taking inspiration to how you comfort him and will just try his best to make you feel better. "I know life is rough and hard and bad, but you always told me it will change and soon it all be over and better. It's good that you recognise you're in a bad place, now you need to take a break and then later you won't even know you've already forgotten your problem! It's okay to be sad, too, but not for too long." - The type of friend that will share anything he has. He has a cookie with him? Shit, he'll split it in half and give the other half to you. Some soda? Well I hope you don't mind drinking from the same can as he is, he will give it to you. Melone - So this nerd isn't a complete creepy pervert, not entirely at all. He's chill for most of the time, so he's a neat company if you don't mind him bombarding you with questions regarding your genetics, heritage records, blood type, zodiac signs and whatnot. But knows when to stop. - You most likely befriended him because he is one of the chill people in the group... Somewhat. Or perhaps you just started to bond over mutual love for steamy, erotic novels from the same author. If this man has shame, his guilty pleasures would be reading these types of trashy novels filled with smut. - He is great as a wingman. Complain to him about your lack of a love life, he'll observe your types and he'll somehow come up with a list by the next day enthusiastically listing them to you in a PowerPoint presentation. "If you're into girls, I have this one right here! She's compatible with your zodiac sign, although she has quite the temper she can be extremely passionate and affectionate— or perhaps you're into men, that I have as well. Several, actually. This other fellow right here is also a part of Passione from the Human trafficking branch, stoic and quite a stern one, but knows when to lay low at times and appreciate those around him— either him or the girl, you'd make good babies together!" "Melone, what the fuck—" - Very touchy. He'd lean his head on your lap as you both read on the couch, or randomly put his head on your shoulder during meetings, grab you by the arm while crossing the road, smacking your ass as a greeting (if you tell him stop, he'd stop of course), will pretend to kiss you just so he can see your reaction, anything. He is one affectionate nut that he sometimes forget about personal spaces. If you're not particularly fond of being touched like I am, simply tell him nope. I mean, he'd be sad but will respect your boundaries. The only time he'll actually respect established boundaries, to be honest. - Knows the most random facts and will share them to you for the fun of it. Additional to that, he will also mutter his shower thoughts and random cursed facts out loud just so he can curse you with the knowledge and confusion. "Did you know that dolphins masturbate using dead fishes? Also, there was an experiment involving dolphins in which one of the scientist fell in love and had sex with it. Another fact, is that dolphins are also seen doing the deed—" "Okay, Melone, I get it! Dolphins aren't as innocent as they seem! Stop ruining it for me already!" ... "Did you know that a woman once used mayonnaise as a lubri—" "MELONE!" - Being his friends meaning being his impulse control. If he intends to use his Stand on some innocent passerby just for the heck of it (for science, as he claims), smack him by the wrist and glare at him. If he eyes a particular someone for too long that the person gets too uncomfortable, try to divert his attention away. "Ow! Y/N what the heck—!" "What did I told you about oogling at people? It's impolite and creepy, stop that!" - He may not seem like it, but bro he cares a lot. If ever you had a problem, he'd sit and listen, offer you his shoulder to cry on, and perhaps hang out to divert your attention away from what's bothering and hurting you. And if you need advice, he'll try his best to come up with a flawless solution to your problems. But if comfort is what you need, his arms are open baby. Ghiaccio

- Bro you must need emergency ear plugs for this one, he is a massive screamer, a ticking time bomb with no timer that will erupt at random. If ear plugs aren't enough, cover your ears. - Befriending him was an impulse control befriending him. Well, all you did was to constantly try to calm his tits and cool his head to the point he actually barges in your room to hang out so that he can cool his head from all of the shenanigans occuring all around him, or maybe he just had another thought about something maddening about the world. "WELL WHY?! WHY IS WOMEN'S CLOTHES SIZING CHART DIFFER FROM EACH STORE?! THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! INCHES AND CENTIMETRES EXISTS FOR A REASON, DAMNIT!" - There are moments where he isn't screaming, thankfully and he's a decent person to talk to. If you're a listener, he'll do the talking, just ranting about things, rambling on and on, before complaining, and then another outbursts comes out. By this, you simply sigh, put a hand on his shoulder and talk to him in a gentle, calming voice. It usually does the trick. Formaggio and Melone joked about this talent of yours as witchcraft. - He appreciates you a lot and honestly doesn't know what to do without you and by that, he knows he has to reciprocate the care you give him somehow to show he is grateful of your friendship and care. He isn't the type to be physically affectionate, but he is extremely thoughtful about his closed loved onesa and prefers to be practical about it. He would save you your seat in meetings, fetch you snacks if he ran out for an errand, etc etc. Extremely observant of your mannerisms, that he might point that out to you and you won't even realise you do that. - So like, he is very protective as a friend. He will do something whenever someone has wronged you in any way. The others teasing you? Bam, he'll shoot them back with a witty insult. Your s/o cheated on you? Ohohoho boi, be prepared to see their name on a headline on the daily news. Your order was wrong? Bam, he'll have the waiter shaking in fear from a screaming, angry Italian mafioso as he demands for them to remake your order correctly. "WELL CAGACAZZO?! QUIT STANDING AROUND AND GET ORDERS CORRECTLY—" "G-Ghiaccio it's just a minor thing, let it go—" "THEY SERVED YOU AN INGREDIENT YOU SPECIFICALLY TOLD THEM NOT TO INCLUDE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO IT! WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS SLIDE OFF?!" - All in all, he's just glad you're there for him because damn, someday his temper is going to get the best of him and he doesn't know what to do. And with your friendship, he's learned how to cope with his spontaneous anger by carrying soothing stuff to ease his nerves (courtesy of your suggestions and gifts for him) - Basically the dynamic of a rapid gremlin with rabies and a calm, sunshine personified angel. Everyone (Riz, including, but he's more subtle and dry about it) joked about the unlikely friendship, and how your ears must've lost a little bit of hearing capacity. Rissoto - I feel like he'd be extremely attached to a childhood friend. You've been friends since before you underwent the drastic change by going through a lot to get to where he is now, and still the only person that stuck around with him was you. By that, you became the most trusted by him due to the fact you've known each other for very long. - As his best friend, you're his confidant and finds himself often going to you if ever he needed advice, or needed to vent about his stress. He really isn't vocal but when he's confiding in you, his words spill out of his mouth usually sealed tightly just steadily flows, his big strong Capo veneer falls apart in front of you but he doesn't necessarily feel unsafe by being vulnerable. That's how he trusts you. - No one will dare to bad mouth you in front of the Capo, or else there'd be hell to pay for. I mean, teasing is fine, he knows you can handle burns from team mates here and there (and will silently smirk at it) but he will not stand it if they attempt to belittle you for something unreasonable. "Watch your mouth. That was

out of their control, stop blaming them for something they can't do." - The type of friend that doesn't know how to comfort someone, but will try their best. So as you spill your heart out, tears, snot, sweat and all, he'll just pull you to his chest and awkwardly pat your shoulders to get you calm and comforted. Not to mention, he is extremely stiff at the hug and is very unsure what words to say to you to not upset or offend you any further, so he'll just ride it out smoothly, and let you let it all out on his chest. It's not like he can't wash your tears, snot and sweat on his chest anyways. - Since he is very non-vocal, he's a good listener so rant all the way! Complain about the weather, about your lack of love life, about how underpaid the hitmen team is, anything! He won't find the perfect response, so he'll just nod along and perhaps comment occasionally on what your saying. "So like, ugh, I am soooo frustrated at how Prosciutto could say that to Pesci! He makes a good point, but it's redundant for him to be too harsh on him! Look, all I'm saying is, maybe Prosciutto should start choosing his words correctly so that Pesci won't feel too upset! You know???" You glanced at your friend, as he simply sat attentively beside you. He nods silently as a response. "Anyways—" - Extremely great at deduction and the way he reads people so easily is so unreal. And so he uses this to his advantage to know what's up with you whenever you seemed off. By this, he's able to tell whenever you're upset but scared to talk about it, frustrated but too busy to talk about, etc etc. And with this, he takes the time to drag you to take a seat, and talk about what's been bothering you. If you don't wish to talk about it at all, he'll let you be after with a reassurance that you can overcome whatever the heck you're going through. - Everyone is surprised that you two aren't married??? That you're just friends??? The way you two look just makes you two look like a couple and it boggles the others how you two aren't one.

[sophiamcdougall]

So, there’s something I think is missing from the Booker Discourse and the focus on anger vs forgiveness, and whether Booker’s “punishment” is too harsh and who’s responsible if so, and its absence is beginning to slightly disturb me and it’s this: They don’t punish Booker. At all. 

No, really.

It’s one of the things I really like about the film -- how compassionately it treats Booker, both on a narrative and on an inter-character level. In most genre films wrongs against the good guys are usually settled with riproaring vengeance, even if in some the hero conveniently gets not to be the one to enact it directly.  But in the moment Booker’s betrayal becomes clear, character beats we have taken for mere melancholy click into place as heartwrenching grief and suicidal depression. We’re encouraged to grieve for him. We see Andy and Nile’s empathy for him. We see Nicky urging Joe to stop shouting at him even before they yet have any hope of escape. We don’t see a  moment of explicit compassion/restraint from Joe, but he does instantly put aside his anger to accept Andy’s decision that Booker’s coming with them, and does nothing to sabotage that choice. (In fact, it’s unthinkable that he would, but in plenty of action films it wouldn’t be.) And I agree with some of the arguments I’ve recently seen – the intensity of Joe’s fury isn’t necessarily a measure of how long it would last.

And then, as I say, they don’t punish him.

They don’t beat him up. They don’t work off steam killing and re-killing him. They don’t leave him for Kosak, or for the police. Of course they’d never do a full Quynh on him but putting him a box for ... a year? Six months? A week? It would be an option. They don’t do that, either.   

They simply stop hanging out with him. And they have the extraordinary grace to promise this won’t be permanent. And Andy, whom he shot in the back, sees him off with a goodbye hug.

I’m seeing a lot of debate about whether Joe (hotheaded, passionate) vs Nicky (still waters run deep) is The Angry One and which one of them might, by contrast, have been totally fine letting Booker back into the group immediately. I think you can plausibly headcanon the first part of that various ways. Personally I think Nicky would take a more severe line than Joe, although, as I’m about to argue, I don’t think that necessarily has to mean he’s “angrier”.)

What I don’t think you can plausibly headcanon is that either would actually be “fine” taking Booker back immediately, or any time soon.

Now I want to preface this with pointing out that anger is a completely natural and appropriate response to being hurt and whoever is The Angry One out of Nicky and Joe, has every right to that feeling. And to be fair I don’t think that’s really being disputed. But there does seem to be the idea that The Situation  – Anger = Everything’s Fine Now! And I do think it’s slightly ... victim-blamey, like the barrier to HEA isn’t what Booker did, it’s how long the people he hurt retain one specific emotion about it.  Whoever’s angriest is being staggeringly generous to Booker, and the result is 100% compatible with their not being “angry” at all. It’s compatible with “forgiveness” having already taken place. Just for a minute imagine writing to ... Captain Awkward, or Dear Prudence or Reddit Relationships. And explaining that your friend placed you in the power of people who wanted to hurt you, deliberately exposed you to very serious danger and your worst personal fear, and caused you to watch your partner trapped and in pain for somewhere in the ballpark of 48 hours ...  BUT, he is going through some very bad shit, guys, and you really do feel for him. Imagine what the response would be.  (”My friend wanted to commit suicide-by-cop, so he planted weed/guns in the car with me and my husband in it and called the police, although he knows we both have a particular phobia of cops after what happened to another friend who was arrested a while back. Oh and he attacked our other friend, because he wanted to be totally sure the cops would come for him, but he only meant to knock her out not to nearly kill her and he’s depressed and very sorry. I still want to put our friendship on a break. AITA?”)  They would yell at you to oh my god get away from him WTF how is this even a question please get some therapy learn to love yourself. 

And if you repeated that he’s really sad! And it went down worse than he thought it would! And you don’t want to hurt him! they would yell that it’s not about hurting him it’s about protecting you.   Just ... think about it. Imagine you’re either Joe or Nicky. Assume your anger has already completely evaporated, whether you think that’s in-character or not, and imagine you feel truly sorry for Booker. Take the most generous stance on what he did that you can. Fine. But every time you turn your back on him, or see him go off on a mission alone with one of the others ... how do you feel? Even if you don’t think he’d actually do this again, do you feel safe? 

 And imagine trying to recover from the trauma of what just happened to you. Imagine how much it would help to take refuge in all the soft, “family” touches which were also such a refreshing distinguishing feature of this film. Gift exchanges and bets and TV and hugs. Imagine trying to do that with the person who put you through it right. there.

 Nicky and/or Joe could honestly wish Booker no suffering at all, nothing but recovery and healing and peace, and Booker would still be a walking PTSD trigger and working/socialising with him would be downright self-destructive. 

Now, of course this is unpleasant for Booker because he’s already lonely and self-hating and it’s difficult -- though not necessarily impossible! -- for any of them to form a support system outside the group. But that really isn’t the team’s responsibility and, what is really the alternative? 

Maybe it’s being framed so much as “punishment” because Andy says “there has to be a price.” And there does; the consequences of Booker’s choice will unfold in some way whatever they do. The team do not have the option of simply resetting to normal, even if they wanted to. The only question is only who carries the weight of those consequences and how. Should Nicky and Joe have to pretend to feel comfortable around Booker, should they force themselves to go through the motions of friendship – hug him, smile at him, pass him a coffee – while their shoulders go up around their ears whenever he’s in the room, regardless of what that means for their own healing?

The injustice of that should be obvious but even if they did it, even if they made that colossal sacrifice for the person who just hurt them, would it really help Booker? Imagine being him and settling down to watch the football beside Joe and knowing what he likely remembers whenever he looks at you. Honestly, I don’t see that being a healthy path to recovery for him either.

Or OK. Maybe they don’t put on an act. They  keep spending time with him, but they don’t try to hide the nightmares and the flashbacks or the way their smiles drop whenever he comes into the room. Maybe they flinch whenever he gets too close and sometimes they yell at him but they all have to put that on hold every time there’s a mission and somehow they also they try to be his therapists?

I don’t know, it sounds a lot kinder to everyone to just get some fucking space.

Not hanging out with someone who gravely hurt you isn’t punishment, it’s basic boundaries and self-care for you and I’m beginning to worry about what it means that many of you don’t seem to know that.

[jyunshiim]

Catharsis *✬★*’☽* ✬ ⤷Jungkook X Reader au | Part 1

Genre → supernatural | some angst | romance | historical (ish) 

Contains → vampire!Jungkook | romance | supernatural concepts | 

Listen to →  Catharsis

Word count → 12K ( 12247 )

TW → some mentions of death, blood and gore

Chapters/sequels → coming soon 

Summary:  After being told the Tales of Prince Jungkook, you were curious to discover more about the history of your town and the abandoned castle you were forbidden to enter. You discover who he is and why he was he had such fate but you also discover who you really are. Little did you know, your family’s history and the towns history intertwined. Will the past ever leave you?

Centuries ago, legend had it that vampires and werewolves and many other supernatural creatures roamed the grounds of your hometown. The mountains were inhabited by these supernatural creatures and the mortals objected to sharing the land with these callous creatures since they believed they were bad luck. This mystical town was at the edge of war; riots between the mortals and immortals would transpire every full moon, blood and wounds in every direction. Of course, the King sat and observed; what more could he do when the two separated societies loathed each other. There was little power over the hatred they had for each other, nothing could keep them apart for the selfish humans craved destruction, blood and death. The Castle sat towering over the town, holding its status. Red skies sheathed the firmament that loomed over the now silent town as the King stands at the large stained glass window that looked over into the town. He could see the clear separation between the mortals and the and immortals; he sighed. As much as the King tried to keep them civil, it would never happen. He turned around to see his son gazing at the shelves and the paintings that were hug up in the King’s private study room which was located in the tallest tower of the castle. His finger brushes over the leather cover of the books and took one that was a book on Folklore which interested him the most. “Father, can I borrow this?” He holds it up to his father and his father nods in affirmation. The son takes the book and runs down the spiral staircase and finally down the large staircase that faced the vast wooden double doors to the castle. He pulled the rings on the door to open them and ran down to the front green space which was enclosed by evergreen trees arrayed along the front. He went down and sat on the verdant grass, the evening air gentle and pleasant. He flicked the page open; there was a contents page on all these supernatural creatures from vampires, witches, psychics, sirens, werewolves and many others. He was invested, he wanted to learn more about these creatures, but he didn’t know the history of his bloodline. Years prior to 1864, the King studied Vampires and how to kill these creatures, how to abolish such vile specimen. His family were hunters and studied how to capture, torture and kill vampires. He peacefully read the piece of literature, immersing himself and broadening his knowledge. He heard the sound of heels climbing up the stairs of the castle and it was none other than she, the love of his life, the one the Prince was going to marry. She was beautiful, divine piece of art, everything he ever wanted. He jumped up onto his feet dropping the book onto the grass. “Evening my dear Prince, Jungkook,” she curtsied to you. He felt his heart thump out of his chest. “Oh please, do enter my father must be waiting for your arrival,” Jungkook opens the door like the gentleman he is. Her smile was everything to him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He kept a photo she gave him as a token of devotion and love, she loved him too, but she waited for the time the King arranged the royal wedding.

As the love of his life walks into the main hall, he goes back to grab his book which has seemed not to be where he dropped it. This was a strange occurrence, and he didn’t know what he did with it. Jungkook began frantically searching behind the bushes until someone pushed him over to the other side of the bush. “looking for this your majesty?” A tall male with a dark demeanour approached from behind him holding the Folklore book. Jungkook was angered by the utter disrespect he experienced and tried to grab this disrespectful man. “uh uh, it’s not very royal of you to grab a commoner like this is it?” he scoffed. As Jungkook blinked, the man vanished – where did he go – Jungkook was confused. He brushed himself off and sighed as he attempted to go back into the castle but he was tackled with super speed by this man. Everything turned black. He awakens, his neck and head in pain and his stomach growling in hunger. He thought he was pushed over and hurt his head and neck, only having a minor concussion on his head.

He thought nothing of it, the man must’ve attacked you since the King wasn’t favoured by a lot of people, so the prince was leverage to get back at him. He gulped, trying to cure his dry throat and entered back into the palace. The girl was sat at the dinner table along with his father and the girl’s assistant. She was a part of a rich family so her status was compatible with him. “Son where have you been? Why do you look so…. Pale?” The inspects him as Jungkook’s breathing became heavier. “Son are you unwell? Servants, take him to his quarters!” his father demanded. The girl’s assistant looked at Jungkook concerned, she knew what was wrong and little did the King know, she was a descendant of the most powerful of witches concealed as a commoner that would assist the wealthy family’s prized possession – their daughter- since she was the only half witch, wealthy child in the town. The daughter was also a part of the same bloodline, they were cousins of course although the daughter’s mother married a rich man, who was a powerless human being making her less powerful. As Jungkook was escorted to his slumber quarters he lay there in cold sweat.

“Your Majesty, would I have your permission to see your son to just examine his condition?” the assistant pleaded. The King agrees to the offer; “oh yes, please feel free, please tell me what’s wrong with him!” the King sounded concerned. She nods as she runs up the stairs holding her dress and stand outside his door. “May I come in?” she knocks with respect and manner. There was no reply or response so there was no choice but to open the door on her own, so she twisted the door handle and gulped. She gasped in absolute horror to see Jungkook drenched in the blood of his servants with the tall, broad shouldered man next to him. “well done my little fledgling, your first taste of human blood,” he smirked before going towards the witch. “Why are you here?” he asks the witch. “ Seokjin I could ask you the same! Why did you turn the PRINCE out of all people!” her voice was angry and infuriated. “just a bit of fun my magic potion,” he strokes her shoulder, or attempts to before he hisses. “hmm ouch extra witchy protection…” he scoffs “ well Prince Jungkook’s going to need one of your fancy sunlight protecting rings like your great-great grandmother made me, see you later.” He sits at the edge of the window before shifting into a crow and vanishing into the nothingness of the forest. What could she tell the King? She didn’t want him to become exiled or even worse, executed!

That’s what your aunt used to tell you. The tales of the vampires and the numerous supernatural creatures that roamed the town you lived in and how the castle that sat on the mountain was a chamber of secrets that no one dared to discover. It was said that anyone who even attempted to enter would either disappear or have vivid night terrors – it was deemed to be so haunted. “That sounds so cool!” your voice sounded vivacious “now I wanna go and see for myself!” but your aunt gave you a disapproving look. “I don’t think that would be the most ideal thing to do, don’t even dare!” she raised her voice, moving her hair out of her face as she began to gather the utensils from the side of the sink to dry them up and put them away. Your great grandmother gave you a family heirloom that was a blue crystal locket which was filled with a flower and another gem like stone which had a carved white rose on the surface. Your before she passed away, she told you to take care of it and to never lose it. You didn’t know why but you kept her word and wore it all the time. “so what happened to the prince after? Did the king ever find out?” You ask. “Your grandmother would know this, It’s just a story anyway but I think this is what happened,” she begins and continues the captivating tale of Prince Jungkook.

Shortly after the maids encounter with Seokjin, she turned around and heard rattling at the door but before she count meet whoever was outside, she failed to keep it closed and his lover ended up finding him in this condition; the fear in her eyes flooding her mind and showing on her face. Little did she know vampires fed off fear since adrenaline was what made blood sweeter and more available. He charged at her before the witch warded him off with the poisoned Vervain scalding his face making him whimper like a puppy. “you-”his lovers voice cracked, ““BEAST! FIEND! Stay away from me-” his lover screamed in terror. The witch shut the door on him and put her necklace with other magic and herbs on the handle of the door so he couldn’t open it. Jungkook’s lover ran down the stairs, stumbling and tripping but not caring, not giving a second though as to where she is running to. “where are you going!” the King tried to stop. “Your son- t-the Prince,” her words stumbled upon each other, “VAMPIRE” she yelled before running out of the palace, Jungkook watching the love of his life leaving him forever.

“what happened next? This is getting too good to stop here Aunt,” you lean on your hands at the island counter as she cooks dinner. “Hm, from what I can remember she told me that he had to be exiled probably executed too”

The Prince spent weeks in his room not being able to leave until the King brought in priests and organised a ceremony for everyone to attend although by everyone, he meant just the supernaturals. He didn’t like what he was going to do to his son, but he had to do as much as he could to keep his people safe even if that meant to kill his own son. During that ceremony, which was held at a local church, he trapped all the vampires inside and transported Jungkook to the building. He was chained like an animal and thrown into the building like he meant nothing. The supernaturals congregated outside the venue which was an ancient church that was built by the commoners many years prior to 1864. The doors opened to rows of concreate seats facing to the front of the church, wooden supports holding up the ceiling above the immortals and the alter standing at the front empty for a little while. Everyone was seated, the immortals though that them and the mortal King had a civil relationship- they were wrong. The ceremony started and Seokjin sat at the back and watched Jungkook sitting on the backrow, starved. “awh seems like someone was held hostage,” he snickers before getting his composure back. “Just a joke but you know what’s happening right?” Seokjins eyes widen excitedly, “this is a mass execution, he’s blowing the church up… bOOM!” He laughed hysterically “I know this only because this church had been rebuilt before because the same happened to me,” He sits beside you. “what! Blown up?” Jungkook asks, “yeah but it’s fine, I just wanna keep you by my side,” he smirks before searching for an escape route and little did the King know, Seokjin has been around for many years and knew the underground tunnel systems, so behind the alter was the entrance to the underground tunnels. There was a short pause before starting since the King forgot his ‘speech’ and had to go and find it in his carriage however that was when it was all going to happen. And it did.

“So did Prince Jungkook survive?” you question at the cliffhanger. “No one knows but legend has it that his spirit still lingers in the castle and the church and on top of that you can hear his angelic voice down every hallway,” you felt shivers down your spine. You wanted to see it for yourself; was it true the castle was still functioning as normal like people said. Your brother opens the front door and walks in beaten and bruised. “Namjoon! What happened?” the tone in your voice your voice sounded startled! It had been months since he got into a fight and it was usually over something stupid but this time something felt strange. “what happened? Answer me!” your aunt raise her voice.  Even if he was 20 he still needed some discipline since you both lost your parents at a young age. “fight, what else?” he throws his shows aside near the door and runs up the stairs slamming his bedroom door. Your aunt sighs’ “you two are making me feel old!” you get up from your seat and help her with the table, “but you’re very pretty though so don’t you worry.” Your mind lingered about the forbidden area of the town, where the new bell towered church sat, on the boarder of the road to the castle and the main town.

It was a new semester and you entered the school with confidence as your two best friends waited at the entrance for you. After the long summer, you, Jimin and Yoongi were finally united as a trio again and caught up on your summer away. “so, where did you go?” Jimin asked as he fixed the raven brooch on his jacket. “Oh, I just went to the countryside to see my grandmother and she told me all sorts of weird stories about our family, not going to lie they didn’t sound real, but her great grandmother was a witch!” the fascination in your voice being clear and present. “so that would mean you’re a witch, through descent!” Yoongi wonders, “but witches aren’t real?” you shake your head. “No, Yoongi, apparently according to her we also have psychics in our family so I could be either there’s a possibility!” you sounded crazy to them but you brushed it off because you know what you were told. Maybe it wasn’t real, your grandmother is old and stories can change over time. They’re stories after all. “maybe you’re right Yoongi, maybe it is just stories,” you continue walking with them. Despite being a new semester, it didn’t feel different at all. You wondered around to your class and placed your bag on the floor, your necklace falling out of your bag made another student turn their head. “Hey, you,” the person called out and you turned your head pointing to yourself. “me?” you tilt your head. “yeah, where did you get this collector’s item from?” He sounded so fascinated by it, “oh sorry for just taking it off you, I just love collector items especially when they have close historical links with the town!” he smiles “I’m Taehyung by the way!” he hands the necklace back to you and you held it back in your hands and wore it around your neck again to not lose it. For your films class you were put into pairs to produce a short film of any genre. There wasn’t anyone you really knew in the class although everyone has some acquaintances in the class so you glance over at Taehyung who twiddles his pen, leaning on his palm. It seems like he was waiting for someone to pair up with him. “you must me joking,” you mutter to yourself before you take your stuff and seat yourself next to him. “about time, I thought you’d move sooner to be fair,” he smiled at you, the curl on his forehead sitting peacefully before he blows it away from his face. “what you staring at? My curls,” he messes with you. “whatever, we need to plan our film, what are you into?” you ask him and he ponders with a pout, “I like documentary, what about you?” so you think. “I mean I don’t really mind, documentary is easy but maybe a short film would be so cool especially with the whole spooky history, what do you think?” Taehyung nods. “I supposed that’s a good idea too, we could combine them if we tried hard enough and I don’t know what kind of worker you are.” He rolls his eyes and then flashes a playful smile. God how cocky. He seemed like a nice guy so you let it be and tried to write up a plan for your class. Although once the bell went, you thought he’d leave – like every other project buddy you had – but he asked if you were doing anything after school. “oh, umm no I’m probably going to do some homework or start reading up for other classes, why?” he smiles softly, “oh I was wondering if you wanted to do anything interesting, only if you want!” You paused and stopped walking. “depends what it is?” you hoped it wasn’t something weird. “wanna go exploring?” the bells in your head started to ring. Did he just say exploring, as in discovering new things. “exploring what…” you drag on “oh come on, the forest! No one has been there in years god knows what we could find!” His voice was ecstatic. You didn’t want to be impulsive; “hmm I’ll let you know,” you shrug before you turn to go to the cafeteria, “wait! Heres’ my number if you’re interested” you take the piece of paper that seemed crumpled up and thank him, waving him goodbye. You see Jimin at his locker; “Hey!” you made him jump and he groaned, “oi, don’t do that that scared me, where’s yoongi?” he asks looking around. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since class?” but as you said that, he walks around the corner. “I see you made an impression on Taehyung,” he nods at you, “how did you know?” your eyes widened. “He’s going around telling false tales about him being a part of the hunter bloodline and how he found a witch or something, so I assumed he was talking about you” Yoongi whistled before heading to the cafeteria. You were confused, how did he even know that. “must be one compulsive liar,” Jimin snickers before punching Yoongi. “Possibly” he shrugs but it made you think how Yoongi didn’t believe you about the witch thing so there could be an element of truth. You were curious.

Home was where you felt safe yet so limited. A wooden box with a silver latch sat at your window ledge, entreating you to open it and discover what was inside. It was gifted by none other than your great-grandmother; and you glanced at it, your fingers twitching to unclip the lock. You ignore it, trying to dedicate your focus to your trigonometry homework however you felt an energy calling you. You tutted and groaned at your focus being dismantled by your frantic thoughts; you dropped you pen and slammed your book shut, walking over to the window where the box sit.

“this box should be kept near the window to ward off any supernatural energy to keep you safe.”

Your grandmother said weird and wacky things however you went along with it. You wanted to open the box and you went against your grandmother’s rules and sat at your window ledge but before opening the box, you realised that there were lights on at the vampire castle. Your jaw dropped and your eyes widened in joy – were you imagining things – you rubbed your eyed however they weren’t a figment of your imagination. It was real. You wanted to yell at your aunt to let her know but she already thought you were crazy so you left it and opened the box. It was an amethyst necklace with a silver spiral trapping the get and a purple and white flower inside and along with the necklace was a letter written a long time ago, it was concealed with a wax seal and carefully placed inside of the box. Your curiosity was intensified by the castle and you thought to yourself for a bit. Didn’t Taehyung want to go exploring? Maybe now would be a good idea but no, you wanted to see for yourself on your own. “hey, can I come in?” your Aunt asks knocking on the door so you leaped onto your bed and grabbed a textbook. “yes, you can!” you said slightly breathless. “I have some snacks for you, eat up,” she says before looking at your window wide open, “so what’s this then?” she sets some warm soup on your desk. “oh, it was just getting a bit stuffy” your nervously chuckle. She narrows her eyes, “alright, eat up alright, I’m going to watching a show, if you need me in downstairs.” She lets you know before shutting your door. You couldn’t let the soup go cold so you eye it for a moment before sighing and sitting at your desk, both hands cupping the curve of the bowl and, you guessed it, downed it in one go. You wiped your mouth fast and think of a route out and looking outside of your bedroom didn’t seem like a far jump down. You grabbed your phone and your jacket and tried to sneak out. It was a success. You sighed in relief and walked down the back streets, hood up, to the forest.

Dancing in the dark.

Stumbling through the leaves and decaying animals, you managed to enter the mystical forest you dreamed of going into you. The air was different, it stung to breathe in but perhaps that was the cold weather who knows. You hear a crunch of a twig snapping in half which startled you, your head whipped around to see nothing but the leaves swaying in the icy breeze. Inhale. Exhale. You went on your way further. The darkness made it difficult to see anything, you squint your eyes to check your surroundings. Are there still these supernatural creatures living or were they all killed off? The buzzing in your mind catches you off guard and you strip on a piece of concrete and reach out to grab the leafy floor although it was another concrete brick like textured object. Frantically, you search for your phone and press the flash button to see a staircase. A gasp leaves your mouth and you stand yourself up. The towering structure, two turrets and one fragmented turret loomed over you dauntingly. “that must be where he was held..” you whisper to yourself. A flash occurred from the corner of your eye and you were shaken by the suddenness of it. It seemed like a candlelight was blown out from the middle room of the castle but you weren’t too certain. You were hesitant to go inside but you took a deep breathe and you did. How bold of you. The doors were tall, around 7 feet tall with two ring handles, which seemed to be made out of a type of metal. The colour was faded and rusty. Your fingers brushed over it but the heavy, wooden doors gracefully opened welcomingly. The relinquished palace had a strong aura, an aura of life. You peer through the doors to see the interior cold and untouched. The mess of the table, an earring to gleaming in the moonlight next to your feet. You pick it up. This must be Prince Jungkook’s lover’s earring. You begin to explore this castle, the unbelievable history was at your finger tips right now. You look up to the stained glass windows that looked to the full moon, your necklace was shining bright… brighter than usual. Your curiosity took you to the broken turret room, the bed soaked in blood from that specific evening, the box let wide open with crystals and stone. “That must be from my grandmother,” you pick up the crystals, “holy water and herbs, what a great pair.” A voice spoke from behind your startling you. You turned around but no one was there; was it his voice still echoing in this room, does his spirit still roam?

“no, don’t be stupid, spirits can’t scream,” He chuckles. Why did he sound a lot like Taehyung? “Taehyung?” you stutter, “oh! It worked, wow I’m so happy,” Jungkook chuckles, “years of practice what can I say, the Kim’s were easy to mirror.”

You couldn’t believe it, it really was him in real life but you froze from fear and shock. “frightened now are we?” his eyes were glowing an fiery red, “go ahead, run like they all did,” he smirks before giving you way. You drop the crystals and you clutch to your necklace but as you bolt to the front door, stumbling down the stairs, he was already there waiting for you. “hm I’ve gotten quite good at this haven’t I My Love,” he smirks before you felt a pang of fear in your heart. You tripped over the concrete stairs again and you get back up again, running to the main town. Little did you know, you lost your necklace making you a lot more vulnerable than you think.

You climb onto the bins and try to pry your window open again and sneak back in. The lights were off so you had to be quiet. “my necklace!” you gasp at the realisation you lost it.

Your nightmares were vivid, like your were being attacked by him since you didn’t feel safe without your necklace. You didn’t know what it did but it kept you safe.

The necklace helps keep you safe from compulsion. Compulsion from a vampire is dangerous especially when they know you’re a witch, they can almost ask you for anything and use you for their own benefit. The necklace should always be worn, never taken off. The ring a vampire wears is keeps them from scorching in the sunlight, so they are among us – Witches society 1800’s

“Whatever, I’ll go back and find it,” you shake your head and open your eyes during the early hours of the morning. Two glowing orbs moved from your window and you rubbed your eyes and turned away. Your heart beat hard, like it was going to beat out of your chest.

You felt uneasy the next day at school but you went on as you would do. “have you seen Taehyung today?” Jimin asks pointing at him standing against his locker with your necklace in his hands. Anger flooded through your blood stream, why does HE have it? “Taehyung! Why did you take my necklace again?” you seemed to have forgotten what happened the night before. “what? I found this at the ca-“ he stopped himself, “hm, I see.. apologies here take it back,” he hands to you with a glint of mischief in his eyes, “only if you promise to help me find him.” You gasped at the absurd deal but you wanted to find him too, you wanted to know more. “fine..” you sigh and he smirks, “perfect…”

Why did you forget about what happened last night? Was it because you were under some sort of compulsion; the orbs? It must’ve been him. “Did you know your ancestors were from the line of the most powerful witches?” Taehyung whispers to you in film class. “yes, I did, how do you even know that?” You reply dryly. “Well your ancestors were of great help to us hunters,” he leans back in his chair, “although some of you were in love with the Prince and his family,” he scoffs. What did he mean by that? “huh? Elaborate please?” you ask him, pausing your written plan and turning to him. “My ancestors left letters, diaries and capsules for us and there was a division amongst the witches; some of you lot protected the prince and others wanted him dead so all the vervain plants in this town and perhaps all over the world were cursed as a repellent for compulsion, some other magic stuff was involved but I’m a hunter,” he starts off, “So the Lady of Prince Jungkook had a close link with the witches to protect her lover but unfortunately he turned and her assistant began to protect him since he did a lot for their family, no one knows of what happened to the Lady but legend has it that she was turned by something else I don’t really know and-“ you interrupt him, “you know awfully a lot don’t know hm…” you began to get suspicious of him but the crest on his jacket seemed believable enough. “maybe we should hang out after classes to actually talk about our history” his lips curl and he looks back at the teacher at the front of the room.

Later that afternoon; you and Taehyung sit face to face, opposing each other at a local café. “so, you are from the witches who kept these vampires safe and I’m obviously a hunter,”  you taps his fingers on the table, “you’re not a hunter you’re a descendant don’t get too cocky Tae,” you rolls your eyes. “Have you done magic?” he asks you, “well obviously not?” you take your cup and sip aggressively at his stupid remarks trying to drown it out. “I see, but you know what that necklace does right?” he points at your neck as the stone hung down. You shake your head. “stop compulsion and it’s also a poison to vampires,” he nods. “is it now…” you sounded unfazed. His hand touched your hand and you felt a strange sensation. Your body went into shock and a bright light flashed at your eyes and you were able to see something, like a movie but you were actually there. You saw yourself running away but your were inside of the castle, the lights were bright and you felt fear. You saw people with stakes and fire, as well as bows and arrows shooting at the turrets. It was the day the prince turned. Why were you running away? He lets his hand off you. “how was that? Did you know you could do that?” he smugly smiles. You felt your chest pang with pain and you felt breathless. “what the fuck was that?” you kick him under the table. “you just saw your past life, that’s all…”

So was Jungkook’s lover a witch too? Were you her? You couldn’t be. “I think we should go back to the castle, I want to check something,” you say, “now we’re talking little Witch,” he pats your head. “don’t fucking call me that, “you push his hand away, “disgusting.”

“Hey Aunt, I’m going to a friends house to stay over is that okay?” you ask her politely. “Of course! You can call me whenever you need to okay.” She smiles and waves. This was your chance to collect items from the castle. You met Taehyung at the taped trees where it said ‘no trespassing’ yet you and him crawled underneath and wondered deep inside the forest. “Wow, what if we just kissed here,” he nudged you. “I’ll tell you now, I have zero interest in you Hunter boy, shut up and start looking,” you sounded a tad bit aggressive but you had to show your place. You arrived at the entrance again although no lights in sight. The door was opened from the night before so you walked in, holding your necklace for protection; “I want to go to the study room,” you point and Tae nods. The study room was extravagant the walls opaqued with leather spined books. Your fingers brushed over them until one of them caught your eye. It was a book on Folklore but wedged between it was a thick envelope. You pulled it out, the wax seal opened and a fire damaged letter amongst others. They were love letters exchanged between him and his lover and one of them which he seemed to have opened when he was in the church. He managed to save it. You pull out a photograph too of his lover and you look at it closely, inspecting every detail until realising how much she looked like you. “doppelgänger?” you gasp before Taehyung wonders in finding something. “Hey, has there always been running electricity here?” he asks you. “it’s a really old castle so there shouldn’t be,?” you reply to him, shoving the letters in your bag. Taehyung switches a light on and back off. “you shouldn’t be snooping around my office…” Jungkook sits at his desk, legs up his eyes glinting a fire red. “You know, it’s been a while since I tasted any human blood in years, no one seems to give me any company…” You see a black shadow move to the light switch out the door and back to the seat in under a second. “oh yes and um.. you guys are trapped in here,” he smiles playfully. “now, what should we play? Spin the bottle and the first human it lands on I drain you? Sounds fair right?”

“we didn’t mean any harm, I was just curious what was in here because-” you were interrupted, “I know you didn’t mean any harm witch, I mean him,” his eyes began to burn a bright red, his fangs appearing as he smiled, his eyes dark. “nono, I’m not like them I’m just a highschool kid!” Jungkook nods at him pleading. “you know, the more scared you are the sweeter your blood tastes,” he charges at him and you squeal. “STOP!” Jungkook stops, his fangs and eyes turning back to normal. There was something about you that you didn’t know about yet Jungkook did. “Seems like you missed out on you history classes,” he chuckles before he gazed into Taehyung’s eyes and whispers something. “So, why did you want to snoop into my castle? Steal from me?” he scoffs as Taehyung moves to stand next to you. The necklace was dangling out of your bag and he carefully pulled it out and Jungkook smiled as he did so. “Leave from here..” His eyes glow a yellow this time and there as a feeling within you that you had to leave. Taehyung dropped the necklace to the floor and you had an urge to run away from this castle. Adrenaline began to seep into your system as Jungkook whispers “boo,” you bolted out the door which flung open. The rapid steps you too through the leaves was frantic and desperate to leave. His sly tricks; he used Taehyung’s weak body to compel you. You were vulnerable now.

Weeks went by and you had a memory which you couldn’t remember, a void in your mind, pure emptiness. You move your bag to the floor to empty a seat next to you in your history class but Taehyung wasn’t in today. Although someone else was. He looked familiar and like you knew him but you thought nothing of it. “hey, long time no see?” his lips curl into a smile and pushes his dark hair back. What? But when you blinked he was gone again. You were seeing things and you thought you were genuinely delusional to the point a doctor’s appointment sounded good. “yo guys?” you asked Jimin and Yoongi as you guys sat in the basketball court that lunch break. “Was a new student admitted today or am I going crazy?” You think carefully. “no new students today, you my friend need to lay off the caffeine and start sleeping, you’re up at like 3am every single day?” Jimin sighs, “SLEEP WILL YOU!” Your friends thought you were going a little crazy but you took their advice. You were feeling fatigued and low when you arrived home and your aunt was sitting on the couch with someone. “hey! Your friend came over to return this saying you lost it at school,” it was the necklace you thought you had. What, how? “hey there! Thought I’d come visit you to return this,” he smiles and his eyes glint the amber tone. Fuck. Jungkook compelled you to forget that day you and Taehyung went to the castle, he was playing mind games all day. So he was in school but only in your mind or had some power where he couldn’t be seen? “I was asking your aunt if we could hang out more often since you keep avoiding me these days,” his tongue rests on his fang before retracting them when your aunt faces him. “what a nice boy,” your aunt smiles, “of course you guys can hang out I’m more than happy to allow that, in fact now would be great since I have an interview to go to” she gets up in a hurry and grabs her bag. “where?” you ask her. “The café and bar down the road from here?” your aunt looks at you suspiciously. “Oh okay,” you say nervously before you and Jungkook were left in your house alone together.

“You’re not a very smart witch now are you, a little bit clumsy hm,” he hums, he stands up and moves closer to you. “since I have been invited in, no salt or garlic will ward me off..” he smiles mischievously, “your family gave me permission to enter, a little careless to be quite frank with you,” he rolls his eyes and smirks. “what do you want…” your voice shakes but you feel frozen. “What do you think? New blood…” with his power of speed, pushing your by your shoulders to the wall, his eyes sharp. “don’t mess this up for me okay, don’t do it again…” you felt a surge of emotions and visions moving through your mind, you could feel pain and resent , the feeling of betrayal and devastation, your neck burning on your left side before he let go of you. “You just saw everything didn’t you?” His voice profound. “I-” you gulp “what if I did? I don’t have control over it!” you pant after using that energy. “no one has done that for years, I guess you are useful after all even if you are the dumbest witch I’ve ever seen…” he scoffed. “well I guess I’ll go but I’ll see you when I need you to find her, bye dumb witch” he waves as he just walks out of the front door with no care in the world, like he’s a normal human. “I’M NOT A DUMB WITCH!” you screamed internally before slamming the door. It seemed like he was searching for his lover but why would she be alive now.. unless someone turned her?

A few months went by with no contact from Jungkook until your phone pinged in class this one day during class from a random number.

“look outside the window, meet me outside now.”

What the hell? You did what the text asked you to do and you see Jungkook in a jacket that you recognise. It was a leather jacket embellished with large silver button on the front, isn’t that yoongi’s. “yes witch it is yoongi’s but I didn’t kill him, hurry up,” he could hear your thoughts. You ignore him and moments later the fire alarm goes off. He was like a little demon causing trouble in your life!

You manage to go outside to evacuate, and he pulls you aside and used his powers to move away from the site. “Can you see into the past using this?” it was the letters and the photo you took but he got them back somehow. You didn’t want to admit to stealing them. “I don’t know how to use my powers,” you mutter “what… you don’t what…” he stands towering over you, “just try, I don’t know manifest it or whatever you do?”

He was clueless yet desperate to get answers about his beloved. “I have to read up on this I really don’t know much,” you panic before he holds you hands between his, the letters and photos sandwiched between you palms. He was the closest thing to her and it worked, his energy worked.

–

You saw a night sky, the stars scattered across the sky like precious jewels it’s luminescent light beaming down with a full moon perched just above one of the towers. His beloved stood at the castle doors after Jungkook’s father’s death, the empty halls echoing Jungkook’s shrieks of pain. It was empty, or so she thought. But you felt a sensation, it was harsh and painful like something piercing through skin. It was Seokjin. “every single one of my prey are stupid,” he tuts before draining her and leaving her lifeless corpse to someone else. There was a crowd of people, hunter supposedly; “Stop, isn’t this the woman that was supposed to marry the prince?” One of them gasped. “yes sir, it was but is she dead?” another queries. “Seems so Hunter… do you think Jungkook is still alive?” the leader tuts. “I don’t think so, the fire seemed difficult to escape from…”

But during that time Jungkook left for Europe, to be safe, to join the European vampire population for a while before returning a few hundred years later.

–

Jungkook’s pale skin became paler with anticipation. “so… what did you see?” he asks, eyes full of hope. “she died… a long, long time ago..” you gulp pulling your hands away before running the opposite direction. Jungkook catches up. “Oi witch,” he chuckles nervously, “you better be joking,” his voice trembles and slowly turns into anger. “Who killed her, tell me, tell me how she died witch or I will kill you for being so useless!” he raises his voice. “I don’t know! He had pale skin and dark hair, broad shoulders and he was a vampire too!” you yelp. Jungkook steps back. “seokjin attacked my Princess… knowing I was waiting for her…” Jungkook’s voice became sorrowful, his heart shattering into a million pieces there and then. “I searched for her for years and what’s the point now..” his fiery eyes shoot at you. “what can you do to fix this, to bring her back, you can do it right?”

“I-I don’t know how, please don’t hurt me,” you cover yourself with your arms. “I wont hurt you.. you did the best you could and I cant be angry at you, I’m sorry”

You could feel his pain, his heart tightening and not releasing at the though of the love of his life being gone. “is there anything I can do to help you?” you ask hoping there was something you could help with. “you could stake me?” His voice was lifeless and monotonous. “I don’t think I want to Jungkook, if it makes you feel better I have always been interested in you and your history, my great grandmother told us about how everything was like back in her times and-” Jungkook interrupted you; “who was your great grandmother what did she do?” You felt a connection now, there was something he unlocked. You explained to him how your great grandmother was a part of the powerful witches in her time and how his lover was close with her. Although that’s when it hit you that that was her story she was telling and you unlocked a new timeline. “you are no way the descendant of-“ he paused, “let me process this, so I am talking to a close relative, well distant but you know of the woman I was meant to marry.. it makes so much sense why you looked like her I followed you around every where thinking it was her but I have been proven wrong and I’m sorry…”

he followed me? It all made sense.. the glowing orbs outside the window, the strange noises you’d hear every night, the vivid nightmares.

“oh, that’s fine,” you didn’t know what more to say but you felt bad for him. Jimin texted you and said that everyone was sent home because there was a gas leak in the school. “ah great, we’ve been sent home because of a gas leak,” you sigh, “well, I guess I’ll be going sorry for not being much help.” You say before turning around and making your way to the street. Jungkook grabs your arm. “wait, I’ve been so lonely and constantly on the run,” he begins, “it would be nice to have a friend that’s close to home,” he smiles. He genuinely smiled at you; “me? Didn’t you call me dumb?” you tut, “okay maybe I did and maybe you are but hey there’s no harm in some teasing hm?” he eases on his grip. “well, okay I suppose but where Taehyung?” you ask him suspicious of his intentions. “Oh, I told him to stay away from you since I knew how his ancestors were like, not nice people I’ll tell you,” You nod you head, interested in what he had to say. Maybe this would change things around, make your boring life a little more interesting.

Weeks went by and you didn’t hear from Jungkook which was of surprise to you since HE was the one pleading you almost to be friends. It was around 1am and you sat at your window watching the moon and the stars as the breeze brushes against your legs. You sigh, what a mad world you lived in? People think you’re crazy but the crazy people think you’re fascinating. Funny. You noticed little trinkets and strange objects being wedged or put outside your window. First it was some sort of herb then it was a gold chain with a rose that opened to store powders to other herbal substances in. “Nice moon right?” Jungkook smiles making you yelp nearly tumbling out of the window. “How are you in my ro-“ his finger rests on your lips and hushes you. “Shifting, finally mastered it, wanna go out for a bit and talk?” he asks and flashes a mischievous smile. “1am? Are you crazy?” You gasp. “you’re asking a vampire who eats people if they’re crazy…” you look at him and blink. “I don’t eat people only those who deserve it,” his cheeks puff up as he smiles. “okay fine lemme just ge-“ before you could finish any sentence he grabbed you around your waist and you both were somehow on the ground. “You need to stop doing that, I have motion sickness,” you breathe. “maybe you should collect some leaves for that then,” Jungkook sarcastically remarks and you groan at his incompetency to communicate without insulting you. “please, stop insulting me,” you roll your eyes. “but… you’re a bit of a idiot though… you couldn’t even figure out how to use your necklaces and utilise your herbs what if I killed you huh?” he shoved you as you walked through the empty town. “then I DIE? Oh wait you wouldn’t know that because you’re IMMORTAL!” you scoff, “bet you don’t even know how death feels like,” you cross your arms.

Jungkook laughs at you getting angry at what he says. He’s been around long enough to figure out how to tease. He looks around to see if anything was open. “there’s that diner place open,” Jungkook points. “please stop reading my thoughts, it’s weird and creepy!” You mumble and he chuckles. “Scared I’ll see something I shouldn’t?” he nudges you gently before opening the door to let you in first.

“Jungkook, long time no see,” the owner smiles with such delight as she goes to hug him. You were confused and downright shocked to see such close interaction. “this is the owner, I don’t think you met her, she’s very sweet almost like my mother,” Jungkook’s arm drapes around her shoulder. “how long have you known him for?” You ask knowing for a fact that Jungkook is a few hundred years old. “He came in a couple years ago drenched in the rain, he seemed so exhausted,”

I wonder why…

“ohh okay, fair enough, just so you know I’m not his girlfriend or anything,” you tut before sitting down. “I love the steaks here, they’re so .. tender,” Jungkook teases. “please don’t put me off-“ you raise your hand gesturing ‘stop’. He sat back and let the waitress do her job. You sat there with food in front of you and Jungkook gesturing for you to eat, “promise you wont kill me will you, I’ve had enough of the tension of you trying to kill me,” Jungkook’s eyes widen. “oh no no you got the wrong idea, I want to befriend you not k-“ he whispers, “kill you?”

“right so what DO you want,” you chew as you speak. “friendship dumb witch what else? Just a companion until you die or something,”

Great, just another person to use you again.

“mmh okay,” your unsure, monotonous voice echoes in his ears.

Since the night at the diner you had a bittersweet relationship with Jungkook and ever since that day, he began to wait outside you school to see you and hang out with you or sometimes turn up at your house. He was suspicious to you but you went with it to do your own investigating.

“Why are you here?” your harsh tone a little too harsh for Jungkook’s liking. He gazed at you and then your aunt; “hey is your niece allowed to come to mine since we have a project to study for?” he shouts out to her and she turns around elated. “oh of course anytime! Thank you for asking for permission, I’m not good at this parenting stuff,” he scratches the back of her head. “what do you think you’re doing?” your intonation increases. “a favour trust me,” he winks at you and then smiles at your aunt. “come on then, we better be going since it’s super important!”

You were confused and unsure how to react. What did he want from you that needed you to be away from the town – it was incredibly suspicious. You and Jungkook walked down the main street towards a small gap behind some buildings. “what- where are you taking me?” Your stutter and Jungkook sighs, noticeably annoyed at you for being so uncooperative. “maybe it’s easier if I just do this-“ he groans as he swipes you of your feet and all you felt was a huge gust of wind in your face. Your face, unconsciously, buried itself into Jungkook’s chest as you gripped onto his arm for safety. He needs to not use his speed on you without notice, motion sickness is not fun. After meandering through the trees and trampling over dead leaves he arrives to the destination. “if I put you down you will throw up on my stairs and I do not want that witch,” he grins as he saw your face embarrassed since he read your thoughts. “also it is not weird you buried you head into my chest, quite frankly, I enjoyed that,” he chuckles as you slap his chest defensively, “don’t make fun of me!”

He seats you down on a chair, embellished in gold and a burgundy velvet, the arms a solid wood. All the chairs were like this, the royal aura still remained. “everything is fully functioning because over the years I adapted and I fixed things here and there, the only thing not working right now is the dismantled turret,” he laughs thinking this ‘joke’ was funny. You let out a nervous laugh. You weren’t going to lie to yourself but your heart acted strangely when he showed his true self to you. “you were interested in discovering more about the castle so why not give you a tour!” as he began he gently took your hand considering you were feeling a little sick from the sudden, rapid movement. Your heart did it again, stop.

Jungkook started off with the dining and study area going into depth about how his father would do his work there and how he would sometimes fall asleep. Jungkook spent most his time in this study when he read books and learnt more about the world around him and. The grand staircase; he helped you up the stairs, hand in hand and showed you the east side and the west side. There was a locked door in one of the walls which caught your eye. “What’s this?” you ask Jungkook, “ well that used to be the execution dungeon and since my father died I never opened it once,” he continues to walk up as you nod your head affirmatively. “Finally this is my bedroom, since my one was well… destroyed,” you gulp. You look around; the brown and beige colour scheme was very modern although the lights were still chandeliers. The walls were all painted a hazelnut tone but there was gold embellishing on the side skirting.  There was a combination of modern and historical aspects, it was fascinating. You felt an odd connection to the castle but you never understood why and thought nothing of it yet again. “my love looked exactly like you,” he sat down solemn on his bed and pats the space beside him for you to sit next to him. “I remember she used to pick those lavenders in the lavender fields with her maid over there,” he points out of the window where there was a windmill but the land was replaced by plain dirt. “she loved blossoming flowers, Gypsophila, she loved those,” he trailed off as he looks at a broke stem on his bed side table. “I though he’d turn her, he promised he would for me?” you stopped him there. “wait who is this ‘he’ you’re taking about?” you ask engrossed in his own history. “Seokjin, member of one of the first ever vampires, he turned me for no reason other than boredom,” he groans in annoyance, “why me?”

“does he not visit now and then or is he just travelling all the time?” you ask. “of course, he’s living his life, committing crimes, getting the women he loves and left a hopeless, family-less prince alone for years, he lied to me,” his voice cracked. “Hey, don’t worry it must’ve been hard for you to be alone all these years and fend for yourself! That’s just cruel,” your hand settles on his shoulder and he falls to your lap. “now, you’re the only friend I have and who doesn’t think I’m insane…” he begins “but the downside is you look like her and I don’t know what to feel?”

You needed answers. Everything he said made sense although you needed to find out more and your grandmother’s friends were the place to go… at some point.

As you sat at a table in the cafeteria with Jimin and Yoongi you scroll through your messages from your aunt since you searched for any contacts your grandmother left behind. There was one person who you knew quite well though you needed some time to visit her. “what are you doing, you’ve been so distant from us we don’t hang out anymore?” Yoongi confronts your odd behaviours, “yeah you have and it feels like you don’t want to hang out because we saw-“ Yoongi eyes Jimin to be quiet. What was being said about you? “what? Saw what?” you ask looking at them both, “the dude that waits for you outside like everyday, you never said you got into a relationship?” Jimin crossed his arms. “look, that isn’t my boyfriend for starters, he just needs some help with finding someone who was close to me,” you lie a bit, “he’s just someone who knows my family and I’m helping him until he leaves, don’t get mad at me for it,” you pleaded. They both look at each other and nod; “fine, I’m assuming you’re busy today too?” Yoongi sips at his drink. You nod. “as I thought, alright no problem we’ll organise something some other time,”

Phew. You were off the hook. After school that day, you went home to pack a bag with some necessary items like your portable charger, some snacks, your purse, a hair tie and just an extra set of clothes if you got stuck somewhere. “hey Aunt, I’m going to visit grandmother’s friend, is that okay?” you ask her ad she stares as your bag. “how long for sweetie?” she points, “oh not too long, I just have stuff in there for emergencies since buses don’t go there often,” you nod. “hmm okay, fine keep messaging me and updated! Be safe,” She waves. You open the door and Jungkook stands there, a new phone in his hand. “got an upgrade!” he smiles “wait, where are you off to?” he asks as he follows you to the bus stations. “no where, just go home,” you mutter. “no tell me or I’ll read your mind!” he threatens -playfully of course- , and you stop walking. “just leave me alone this once and let me find something out alone without you constantly invading my privacy! Get a grip vampire!” your tone was harsh and frustrated. “there was no need for that but apologies witch, I’ll leave you, farewell.” His smile faded and his playful face vanished. He turned around and walked away without turning back and eventually disappeared into the dark nothingness.

You tried to brush it off but to think that’s how his past lover might’ve acted towards him made you feel guilty. The bus was empty, as dead as night, only a few travellers boarding to visit people or for other reasons that no one knows about. The engine growled as the driver sighed as he waited for all the passengers to board. You situated yourself on the left, three rows from the back placing your bag next to you so no one sat with you. The bus jolted and began to move out of the bay it was parked in; the journey began. The stars covered the bleak sky and your head rested on the cold glass of the bus. Your phone flashes blue; “hope your journey is safe!” it was Jimin sending you a text message. Your grandmother’s friend’s house was around 2 hours away so the journey was a long one indeed and the last stop was directly near her home. During the trip you drifted off and the dream you had felt like a message. You saw fire, blazing flames and hear shrieks and screams but from your point of view, you were running far far away. You saw a carriage and a white horse which you climbed into and you began to go somewhere, like it was an escape. The area was a rural area, with flower fields and a windmill – one of which you recognised- although there is where you dream stopped and the bus driver was standing next to your seat. “Sorry ma’am but this is the last stop, are you getting off here?” he asks you a little concerned. “oh yeah that’s fine, this is the stop I needed anyway!” you frantically grab your bags and run off the bus. There was barely any lights except for one house which was visibly your grandmothers friends home. You remember the windmill behind her home and the large flower field that stretched out for miles. You knock on the door and it immediately opens. “I was expecting you darling,” she smiles as she lets you in to get warm and comfortable.

“I know what you’re here, I’ve been feeling a strange energy for a couple months, something supernatural?” she utters, “am I right that you’ve encountered supernatural energy?” she asks straightforwardly. “how did you even know” you ask her your mouth semi gaping open. “your grandmother left me a few things and one of them was a necklace connected to you,” she smiles as she shows her wrist with the stone with your initial on it. “ like voodoo?” your eyes widen. “no silly, it’s to keep you protected,” she smiles setting down an herbal tea in front of you. You sip it and it tasted bitter; “sweet isn’t it?” the woman asks, “you can call me your grandmother by the way.” You look at her strangely. “is the tea supposed to be sweet because it’s too bitter?” the ‘grandmother’ shakes her head, “you’ve been interacting with this supernatural energy, have you been put under compulsion,” she asks concerned. “well that’s why I’m here, I met the Vampire Prince and he said that I look like his past love or something and that there’s a strong connection with me and his past so I came here for you to look at my past life?” you explain to her briefly. “past life? Connection to THE vampire prince? I haven’t heard of him in years I thought he was killed that’s what my great grandmother told your grandmother before she passed?” she thought carefully, “okay what did you want to know? Your past life?” she asks again, and you nod your head sure and certain that’s what you wanted to do.

You sat in the armchair and she began to speak to you until you suddenly went into a dream like state. From then you had no idea what was happening in the real world.

Your past life was blessed with riches and wealth. You were in your early 20’s and had a good life til then. You had a cousin who was by your side all the time and you spent most of your time together in the lavender fields and at banquets with your past life father’s family. There was a lot of gold and white, lace and silk. You wrote long hand written letters and sealed them, storing them in a brown tea stained envelope with a rosemary tied to it with a small length of tweed string. From the riches and wealth it declined after you ran away from a castle, your pearl earring falling from your ear. You also tried to run away but were stopped by another entity and that’s when you passed away.

So it did make sense. You were a perfect reincarnated version of the vampire prince’s first love. It made sense how you were a witch too, it made sense how your parents were murdered. It was the hunters trying to cleanse the town of all witches since they sided with the vampires. You opened your eyes from your hypnosis and felt your cheeks wet. “don’t worry, now you have your answer use it wisely,” she says as she goes to the kitchen. Maybe seeing Jungkook next might be the next best idea. Although tonight you had to stay here since it was already late enough and your grandmother’s friends let you stay for the night.

Jungkook sat on his bed looking at the stem on his bedside table. He sighed wishing he could bring her back but what use was there if she grew a bitterness to him because of him being a vampire. The new version of her was so much more open minded and considerate. She was different but also the same but all that mattered is that he felt accepted by you. Perhaps the Prince was falling in love again and wouldn’t that be predictable if he felt accepted. “it could’ve been this way if you weren’t so afraid and trusted me…” he whispered to himself, a tear trailing down his cheek. He was certain he was falling for you, he could feel a change after all these years. Finally he felt the burden raise from his shoulders and he felt like he can move on with someone new. Change has come.

Your route home was early the next morning. The bus arrived at 8am so you needed to take that bus home so you could at least attend you afternoon classes. The bus was fuller, and you had to sit next to someone. You gave them an awkward smile and sat down although they didn’t acknowledge you at all and ignored you. 2 hours felts too long but you dealt with it. Fast forward to when you arrived, you went home to grab your books to go attend classes. You felt some ease knowing your past and your connections it also seems like Taehyung transferred elsewhere after the threats he got from Jungkook. You seat yourself in your class and Jimin hands you over the notes taken for another class, you mouth ‘thank you’ as you take them off him. “how was your trip?” Jimin asked. “it was okay, actually it was great!” you smiled. Something seemed to have changed since to left for a day.

When your afternoon classes ended, you walked out with Yoongi and Jimin waving them goodbye since they had other plans for the evening. You see Jungkook leaning against the fence waiting for you and waved at you. He has a glow today and seemed really ecstatic. “hey, are you alrig-“ before you could even finish your sentence he pulled you into a hug. “I feel great,” he smiles, “wanna grab a coffee? It’s on me,” he smiles, his bunny like teeth showing. It was truly endearing. You nod your head, “of course!” the change of behaviour making you feel something in your stomach. Butterflies? Possibly, yes.

You sit at a table in a rustic looking coffee house and Jungkook goes to order two coffees, one being a caramel macchiato with extra caramel drizzle and a black coffee with an extra espresso shot. “ you seem so happy today? Whats up,” you ask him drinking your black coffee. He smiles shyly, you’ve never seen this side of him before; “I guess I’ve moved on after all these years,” he sips his sweet drink, “I found someone else,” Oh someone else… “is she pretty do I know her?” you pretend to act dumb. “yes, yes you are.” He looks at your, eyes full of love. It made sense, his past lover was bitter towards him and the universe let him start again with you. “me?” you point at yourself, “don’t be stupid why wo-“ he interrupts, “because you accepted me, no one else did and if they did it was the work of compulsion.” He gulped. “I mean it would be wrong for a vampire and a witch to be together any way right?” He chuckled nervously. “I don’t think so…” you began to let your suppressed feelings seep through. “it’s not a crime is it, to love someone who makes you feel the way you do?” you begin to mumble nervous that the words spewing out of your mouth made sense. “are you telling me Little Witch that you shared the same feelings,” his cockiness took over again. “oh my god you ruined the moment with your cockiness!” you swing  your head back in frustration, “yes yes I do, is that clear enough?”

Despite you being passive aggressive, he found it charming. After your lowkey coffee date, you both walked along the stream that was near the town with beautiful greenery. His hand nervously tried to slip into yours as you walked but he freaked out every time. “what’s wrong, the herbs getting to you?” you tease. “huh what, what herbs are you trying to poison me!” he pretends being over dramatic. “The herbs behind those mushrooms there,” you point and go to collect them into your little metal tin box. “don’t worry I’ll wash my hands in the stream so you can hold it, it’s getting pretty heavy for me,” you cringed at your pick up line but Jungkook appreciated it. “with your advice, I borrowed a book from someone that was passed down for generations so I can practice witchcraft properly!” You tell Jungkook as his hand holds yours. “wow you actually took my advice,” he becomes shy. “this isn’t like you, you’re usually so confident and cocky,” you laugh before he smiles and uses his speed to push you up against a tree as he looks at you with eyes full or adoration. “is this more like me now?” his fingers brushing down the side of your cheeks and tucking your hair behind your ear. He admired every inch of your face and you stared back at him in awe. Without anything being said he had his first kiss with you after all these years waiting for the other version of you. The kiss only lasted a couple seconds since it was a peck and he moved back and lovingly gazed into your eyes for a little bit before your hands cupped his jaw and brought it closer to your lips for something a little more meaningful than a peck. Although midway through the kiss, drops of rainfall plunged from the grey clouds looming above you. “ugh,” Jungkook groaned before he swiped you up again, “hang on tight,” he smiled sweetly before speeding to his home sheltering you from the rain. “are you feeling okay because I know last time you weren’t feeling the best.” He asked you. “yes I’m fine,” you brush yourself down from where the rain did catch you.

Months passed and your relationship with him grew. You were both at your happiest until Seokjin came to visit one day. “I see you found another one,” he scoffs, “what a lousy vampire you are!” he leans against the wall of his castle. “leave her alone, I know what you did to my first love!” Jungkook growls. “or what? Are you going to kill me,” you laughs manically. “being a vampire means being alone and just using people for your own good,” Seokjin was cold, “either you break her heart or I will, your choice” he threatens. “Seokjin, leave, just go I don’t know what you’re on my tail,” Jungkook yells. “you’re a vampire not a wolf idiot, and because you are one of my creations,” he laughs again. “you wouldn’t kill her,” Jungkook states, “you’re right I wouldn’t, but I can kill you and devour your corpse, your choice…”

He leaves again but his words meant nothing to Jungkook. Was there a reason to why he killed his first love and threatened him about Jungkook’s current girlfriend now? There was. A hidden history no one knew about, not even Jungkook. He ignored him and continued his relationship with you inviting you to his castle that day. “hey, what’s wrong?” you ask him, embracing him after the phone call you had. “can you stay with me today?” he asks. “yeah I can but what’s wrong?” Jungkook didn’t reply. He didn’t speak but he arms wrapped around your body and embraced you back. “just be with me, like this for a little while,” little did you know he was battling an actual war with Seokjin but he refused to let anything get between you and him. He would risk his life for you, fight for you. Losing himself would be better than losing you and he lived by that. Beneath the ‘Vampire Prince’ image was just a poor boy who lost everything. You lean back and lift his head up as it was drooping so low. Without any notice, his lips landed carefully onto yours and his arm around your waist pulls you closer although the atmosphere was different. He was scared and desperate. He said nothing but only a small apology left his lips. He was gentle and slow but began to feel desperate for more than a mere kiss. His kisses trail down the side of your lip to your jaw and as much as you trusted him you were a little frightened at his cravings. “don’t-” you panic. He looks at you with pleading eyes, “I promise, I will never hurt you,” his voice cracked. He was deceived and left stranded to be killed by his previous lover, you were his only anchor now. He began to get slightly more passionate that before and using his speed abilities, you found yourself in his bedroom, you still between his arms. You knew he wouldn’t cross the line, he wanted whatever you wanted, and this is where you were most comfortable with. Jungkook proceeded to continue his actions moving closer to his bed and gently laying you down as he situated himself over you. The passion within him was burning like a fire, he was waiting for the day he could care for the love of his life.

Star crossed lovers. The universe tested you and will continue to do so. Was love such a crime? All Jungkook knew was to keep you safe even if it meant risking it all, he didn’t want to be in such excruciating pain ever again. Even if he was happy with you, he was paranoid and scared of all the possibilities that could happen but right now it was just you, him and the history that combined your love together and satisfied you both. Each-others presence was enough and if Seokjin ever took you away from him, let there be war.

[dreamteamfanblog]

I find it a little baffling that people often talk about how Techno was ‘used as a weapon :(’ as if it’s a sad thing that victimizes him and isn’t something he literally pushed himself.

Technoblade made it very clear from the start that he had no loyalty to anybody. That he didn’t really care about anybody. That he would revel in the suffering of everybody around him because he’s a radical anarchist with shitty morals.

How do you expect people to react to that?

Do you expect them to all decide to form a close emotional attachment to this man who wants to see their undoing? Do you expect them to treat him like a friend? Like family? 

Of course they aren’t going to do that! He was in Pogtopia because they knew he’d be even more dangerous on the other team than with them. Everybody knew the score. That he would turn against them at a moments notice. Techno was treated like a bomb set to detonate. By both sides. Because that’s what he was. A powerful force that terrified everyone and didn’t feel anything for anyone. They didn’t objectify him, he objectified himself by forcefully shutting down any expectation of any sort of personal bond.

 The closest we came to somebody treating him like a person was Tommy.

Tommy trusted his Techno to be a good person. (He trusted Wilbur to be a good person too, even after everything, trying to give Wilbur the presidency) Tommy certainly has too much faith in his family members, to the point where even when both of his brother's made it clear that they wanted to tear down everything Tommy cared about, he still trusted that they wouldn't. That they'd care enough about him or about being good people not to do it in the end. Because that's the kind of person Tommy is, unfortunately. The type who watched both Techno and Wilbur advocate the destruction of Manburg and still refuse to believe they'd really hurt him like that if they had the choice not to

I don’t think Tommy ever treated Techno like he wasn’t human. Some people use his “we have the blade” comment to be dehumanizing. To mean Tommy saw him as a weapon and nothing more. But honestly, it doesn’t. Tommy expecting his older brother to help him in a fight and excitedly referring to him as ‘the blade’ isn’t dehumanization. Perhaps idolization. I feel Tommy idolized both of his brother’s, the way kids often do, however he did not dehumanize either of them. This is clear in the way Tommy trusts in Techno to be loyal. In the way he yelled at him after the festival because how could he do something like that? He had a mind of his own, he didn’t need to bend to any order he was given, how could he just act on command without thinking?!? Tommy did it again on the sixteenth, demanding to know how Techno could be so cruel as to try to destroy everything he’d worked so hard for.

Tommy was perhaps too naive in his faith in Techno to be a good person, however he undoubtedly treated Techno like a person. And he’s been harshly criticized for this. Because how could he have expected loyalty or emotion from Technoblade? Surely Tommy had no room to feel hurt or betrayed by this person he loves and trusts trying to destroy his home. Surely Tommy shouldn’t have seen Techno as human. A bomb waiting to go off, a wild animal, that’s what Techno is, surely Tommyinnit should never have expected otherwise.

And that’s the big problem right now.

Everybody is rushing to talk about all the ways Pogtopia mishandled Techno’s alliance with them.

On one side we have people talking about how he was dehumanized too frequently. Treated as a weapon. How it was unfair of people to do this to him when he’s a human being.

And on the other we have people talking about how weird it was for Tommy to expect Techno to think for himself and defy orders during the festival or to expect empathy and affection from him after or on the sixteenth. 

A lot of people go with both at the same time.

Technoblade did not LET people treat him like a human being. He made sure to appear as cold and removed as he could, he made sure to be as clear about why he was here and what he was doing as he could. Techno made it clear that he ought to be treated like a ticking time bomb or a rabid animal on the loose. That he was going to turn against everybody in the end. Most of Pogtopia treated him accordingly. Keeping him in the group was partially a strategic move (because while techno would inevitably turn against them, everyone knew, it was better if he helped them take out schlatt before that happened. it’s either he turn against them now or after schlatt’s gone and most people would rather the latter) and partially because Wilbur Soot insisted upon it. But everybody knew he was not their ally. He made this clear, made it clear they could not treat him like a friend or even like an ally. And the one character who did attempt to acknowledge Technoblade as an actual person was not only screwed over in the end, but is consistently criticized for ignoring Techno’s warnings.

Tommy wasn't only an unfortunate casualty to Techno doing what he thinks is best, but rather the direct target of malice from him, even moreso than Tubbo, who was the president at the time. Techno clearly acted, not only in doing what he thought he had to do, but in a way that made it clear hurting Tommy wasn't a consequence but rather a bonus. He went out of his way to hurt somebody with so much love and trust for him. The only person who really treated him like a human being.

It was foolish of Tommy to do so. To extend trust, empathy, and loyalty to his brother and expect the same in return. To get angry when this wasn’t returned. After all, Techno made it clear there were to be no personal bonds within this alliance. No trust. No empathy. No loyalty. Strictly business. Tommy idolized Techno when he shouldn’t have, because they were family, because he loves Techno and expects the best out of people he loves, and that was foolish.

However if this is true, how the fuck are we meant to blame the rest of Pogtopia for ‘using techno’ and ‘not treating him like a real person’ when Tommy is so often called a fool for expecting humanity out of Techno and holding Techno to the same standards he would anyone else?!?

We really truly cannot both say “Tommy can’t blame Techno, of course Techno wasn’t going to stop to talk or think or empathize, he’s Techno” and “It was wrong of Pogtopia not to treat Techno like a person with feelings like the rest of them!”

These thoughts just aren’t compatible. 

[justatiredghost]

Living for the Moment Ch18 A series of glimpses at Klaus’ life if he’d met Dave in his mid 20s. His life isn’t magically transformed, love can’t fix either of them when they’re both homeless and in a bad place. They’re not even really ready for a relationship yet. But maybe a supportive friendship can set them on a better path, the two of them inspiring each other to take care of themselves. It’s going to be a long and bumpy ride, and the question is, when will they actually admit to themselves that they have feelings for each other? Read More AO3

"You've got to be kidding me. I thought I told you to leave me alone," Klaus groaned, turning away so he wouldn't have to watch him go.

But he didn't.

"If you're mad at me," Dave said instead, hands out pleadingly, "Fine, yell all you want, but you're my friend and I'm not just gonna drop this and leave. And you're right, it's been a while since we've properly spent any time together, and I'm sorry for that, but I know you well enough to know when you're trying to push me away. So what's this really about?"

"Why do I do anything?" Klaus said bitterly, because this was the answer everyone else had always given for him. "It's all for the attention! I just want to have a good time, forget all my worries and fuck the consequences. Sometimes literally."

"Right, because we both know this life is nothing but a never ending party," Dave said, rolling his eyes, because they both knew the bad trips, the mornings after, the misery and the hangovers. Whatever problems they were trying to forget were always right there when they woke up again, sometimes worse than before. There was no escape, not really, and that included Klaus' ghosts.

"This isn't a cry for help," Klaus snapped, because he didn't know why Dave wouldn't just let it go. "I'm a selfish asshole, you should know that by now."

"You really expect me to believe that?" Dave said, and he'd looked frustrated and upset, like he'd been steeling himself for this very argument, but now his features softened. "Even after you've saved my life a dozen times over?"

"Don't forget all the people whose lives I've ruined," Klaus said. "It all evens out."

"Right, okay, you're a selfish asshole," Dave conceded, and Klaus wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel crushed or relieved.

"Good," he snapped. "Glad you get it."

"But that doesn't make you cruel or heartless," Dave interrupted. "You care so much, and I've seen it shine through in a thousand different ways. You're funny and you're clever, and I know this isn't easy, you've been through hell your whole life, but I have so much respect for the man you've become."

Honestly, it would have been unsettling to have anyone else see him like this, past the defenses he'd hoped he was loud and obnoxious enough to disguise, even to himself. But this was Dave, and somehow he didn't feel found out so much as he did seen.

He'd felt invisible his entire life. Well, maybe not completely. He liked being the center of attention, it was only the parts that mattered that he hid, the hurt and the fear, leaning into the assumptions everyone else made about him because it was easier than trying to prove them wrong. He'd given up on that a long time ago. And here Dave was, thinking the best of him despite it allt, and it was terrifying. He'd tried so hard to avoid this, because he didn't want to inevitably let anyone down. But, somehow, he didn't want this to stop.

"The fuck, Dave," Klaus said, hoping his voice wouldn't break, because what else was he supposed to say? He was too raw and exhausted and he didn't know what to do.

"I've wanted to give up so many times, but you make me want to keep trying to be kinder despite it all. And if you really want me to go, I will, I just need you to know that I care about you, and you don't have to do this alone."

He thought about the last couple days, how the drugs had completely wrecked him, leaving him to wake up in a gutter or a stranger's bed, in pain inside and out in a way that only more drugs could fix, only for him to then start the process over again. And then he looked at Dave, and what his very presence represented. Suddenly, all of the noise wasn't enough to hide behind anymore.

"I'm scared," he admitted, feeling his false bravado collapse around him.

"I know," Dave said with a heavy sigh. "I am too. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, just don't push me away. I don't want to leave things like this."

Klaus was good with words. He could turn just about any situation to his advantage so long as he could talk. But now, suddenly he was at a loss, feeling things quickly slipping out of his control because Dave was just like that. Somehow, he'd become the only constant in his life, at least living, because he was just so good at taking him by surprise.

"Fine, you win," Klaus said. He hadn't realized how close Dave had moved, but now that he was here, all Klaus could do was slump against him, forehead resting against his shoulder. "Why did you have to come along again and ruin everything?"

"Sorry," Dave said with a chuckle.

"No, you're not, asshole," Klaus said.

"You're right, I'm not. Sorry."

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now," Klaus said. "I don't know if I'll even change, or if I even can, you know? I just hope your expectations aren't too high."

"I'm not asking you to change," Dave said. "Just don't shut me out, okay? We can figure out the rest together."

It was a naive hope. Klaus just couldn't see where they could go from here. "What's that saying? 'You can't have your cake and eat it too?'"

"What the fuck else are you supposed to do with cake?" Dave asked incredulously.

"I dunno, man, don't look at me," Klaus couldn't help but smile at that. "I'm just not really sure our lives are compatible anymore."

"Then we'll figure that out together, too," Dave said.

"I don't want to make you relapse."

"You're not making me do anything. This is my choice, too, you know."

"It's just a shitty one, is all," Klaus said. He wasn't sure when, but they'd made their way to his little cardboard shelter, settling down together, Dave's arm still around him.

"Rude, but I see your point," Dave said, bumping his forehead against Klaus'.

"If I'm starting to make sense, we might be in real trouble."

"Just get some sleep, okay? We can figure it out later. Just know we have options. And I have ideas."

"Well, that's the most suspicious thing I've ever heard," Klaus chuckled.

But he was too tired to object, so he just let his eyes close, trying not to think about the future. He was just so exhausted, and everything was too hard, and he couldn't see anything but tragedy in their future.

[onisionisacanceronthisearth]

Why we care about Onision and Coolguykai’s kids (Masterlist)

There’s a lot of information floating around about the kids but I don’t know if anyone has made a post compiling it all together so I figured I would do so. Also because an “argument” used again the anti-o community is that “we’re creepy for even thinking about kids” so I figured I’d show that we’re not just thinking about them for no real reason. For some slight background information, they have an older son around age 7 and a younger daughter around age 4. This is written in bullet form under the cut with bold sections for easier/quicker reading for those who would prefer that. Feel free to add more if you know anything and I’ll keep updating this post. Eli=Kai

Update: The girl fell 12 feat out the second story window to the ground giving her a depressed skull fracture. This was because Kai was cooking and left the child alone in a room with the tv and a caprisun while they were cooking and James was in the garage. The right side of her head was caved in and requires constant monitoring. The girl was known to climb the furniture and also known for standing at windows by the couple which is why the windows are supposedly kept locked to protect her. Even then, she was left totally without supervision and fell as far as she did right onto the driveway. She may have serious brain damage. James filmed her body while Kai comforted her because he was paranoid it would be seen as his fault (the video wouldn’t absolve him of anything, he’s just an low IQ dumbass). James also made a lot of awful sexually themed tweets while he was in the hospital with his potentially dying daughter. Here and here are links to the full police report, the daughter’s name was redacted due to her age

Greg refuses to talk with children who cannot speak properly yet. Besides the obvious stupidity behind this (children learn to talk from being spoken to), giving a child the impression that they are only recognized for what they can do for their parents is an emotionally damaging thing to do. It’s also damaging to show emotional neglect which Greg is doing by not caring for his children beyond the uses he has for them

Greg and Eli will have sex in front of their kids and while sharing a bed with them. Early exposure to sex is harmful for kids and despite the obvious fact that Greg isn’t a dom, he still does have rough and harmful sex with Eli and the other girls they bring in for threesomes. We have seen the marks on Eli’s neck, we now know those kids likely have seen Greg give them to him. There was an incident where the boy was in the room on a tablet while his parents were going at it right in front of him as well as the now infamous story that the first time Sarah had a threesome with the couple (Greg and Eli suddenly started having sex without Sarah’s knowledge or consent then she joined after), the daughter was in the bed with them too. They would start and stop sex as the girl kept waking up because they were right beside her on the same bed

During a blackout once, Eli decided to vlog about it. In the video you can see one of the children under the table with a tablet shining in their eyes. Instead of comforting the kids they were told to hide under the table with a tablet while their parents vlogged about it. The parents then promptly went out to eat. It’s unsure if the kids went with them (we didn’t see them in the vlog) so either the kids were out with them while their parents spoke quite vulgar in the car, or the “loving” parents left their two very young children alone at home during a blackout with nothing but some tablets to keep them happy

Overall it does seem like the parents think that tablets are an adequate babysitter for toddlers. Even if that toddler isn’t in the same room as them. That is very obviously not safe nor a good substitute for caring for a child. Given the accident the girl had, it’s clear they think that if they leave an active toddler in a closed room, totally out of sight, with a tv that that’s safe

They chose to parent their children using the “gentle” and “attachment” parenting techniques. They do not implement these styles properly however on top of the possible negative effects of these parenting techniques. This has resulted in:

Not ending breastfeeding at an appropriate time or with the proper care required for prolonged feeding

Breastfeeding at night without brushing teeth afterwards resulting in the boy losing his teeth at age 2

The boy not being told to not be physically violent with his sister or dealing with the child’s violence but instead instructing him to punch Greg instead (the boy will push his sister off the couch for example).

Sleeping with the children despite the couple clearly wanting sex constantly as mentioned above

And all the other complications of never telling your child no, never introducing new things to them or imposing rules or restrictions, having one parent refuse to give you boundaries while another that doesn’t even care to talk to you half the time, etc. The parenting style is meant to be gentle, but this results in, as stated above, not telling the children not to hurt people either

The children supposedly only had one friend (or at least the boy did) which was Maddie’s daughter. Greg and Eli spontaneously decided to end their relationship with Maddie resulting in their son losing his only friend and playmate. Given the nature of the split from Maddie, it’s clear their son was not a factor in the decision at all (not saying you have to remain friends with someone for the sake of your kids but the decision to drop Maddie was bullshit and clearly selfish)

While baby sitting his and Maddie’s kids, Greg refused to change Maddie’s daughter’s diaper and didn’t even bother telling Maddie about the diaper being full. This resulted in Maddie coming back to find her daughter covered in feces and it had been on her daughter long enough that the resulting rash caused her daughter to bleed. Greg clearly doesn’t give a shit about babies (no pun intended) and makes me wonder how often his children’s diapers were messy and he did nothing about it

The Jackson house is FILTHY and not suitable for children. Just recently I posted one of Eli’s videos and it contained a part where Eli saw the dog walking around with food in its mouth that Eli didn’t even know where it came from and not even phased by it. Food being left out is a mold and bacterial hazard on its own, very harmful for children. But it’s also teaching kids bad habits and also if the dog could find it, kids could too and toddlers love putting things in their mouths

Greg used to have a large sex doll that had no business being in a small house with children running around with no supervision

Greg’s initial wetland work created a direct line to the lake they live on, that’s a serious drowning hazard, especially for someone who didn’t think he could watch to make sure his kids wouldn’t walk to a tree that could hurt them. He has also now planted (or at least bought) poisonous bright red berries among a bunch of edible ones. So much for worrying about the kids...

The diet of the Jackson family is atrocious. It’s already showing negative effects on the parents but that is much less dangerous than having malnutritioned children. The children are growing and developing and they require proper nutrition for this, not doing so can result in many dangerous complications on top of both mental and physical stunting of growth.

Update: Greg’s daughter has been seen recently in a video and yes, she is crazy small for her age

Greg has been reported as yelling at his child and blaming said child for “causing them to lose” a game. This was reported by Maya while the three of them were playing a video game and were teamed up together. Greg literally yelled at his toddler for not being perfect at a fucking video game not only turning the game into being about winning, but putting expectations on a child that just should not be the case. As a parent, and even as a younger sibling it can even be beneficial to let them win because otherwise it would be unfair to play any games with them, especially those requiring larger amounts of skill. You wouldn’t expect David Beckham to play soccer with his kids with the same vigor he’d play professionally would you? And if you’re playing a game as a team with your kid and you want to win, it’s up to you to play better to make up for the obvious difference in skill when a toddler is playing

Speaking of Maya, when yelling at her for refusing his advances he spontaneously laid on her without her consent and with no real warning (it was intended for her to be another one of Eli’s girlfriends and she was brought over, as far as she knew, to meet with Eli to see if they were compatible in person), Greg was actually holding his child and running in and out of the room screaming at her. The subject matter alone was inappropriate for a child to hear (Greg asking why she was not sexually attracted to him because “everyone was” for example), let alone being carried by a screaming man running around the house. It almost seemed as if Greg decided to use his child as a human shield because there was no other reason for him to pick up a child to bring to a room where he was going to scream at a young woman. The child couldn’t even leave if he wanted to because he was being held

There was audio in the background of one of Eli’s videos where you can hear Greg scream to “take some fucking responsibility for once”. This was either directed at one of his very young children, or yelled at someone else in the house or on the phone loud enough for the children to hear. Again, not a good environment for these children to grow up in

During a livestream the boy once entered the room to tell Greg that he loved him, Greg didn’t respond back in kind. I get that Greg likely wanted to get the kid out of the livestream for his so-called privacy, but that doesn’t stop him from from quickly responding to the kid while doing so. Especially in a private livestream with people who know of your kids and are waiting in line to enter into the household as a third

The children get to watch Eli flinch and otherwise act scared of Greg, they may not understand it, but their brains will remember this. It is also encouraging them to be more scared of their father than they already likely are

James gets mad if Kai turns on the heat even in January. Toddlers and children can be quite sensitive to the cold and it doesn’t matter how he feels, what matters is his children (which clearly isn’t how he feels)

Update: A recent video of the girl has shown that her hair is a sad mess. At that age the girl’s hair should be bright, shiney, and healthy looking. Unfortunately it is unkempt and dull. It would look like her hair is washed too often with bad products and not brushed as it should be on top of visual signs of deficiencies leading to unhealthy hair. I’d take a potshot and assume this child were deficient in amino acids and other healthy fats if she were brought to me (disclaimer: I cannot officially diagnose anyone over the internet). It may also be due to her horrific accident

[midnight-moonlight-and-mars]

Carbon Monoxide (Requested)

Warnings: Depression, Swearing, Fluff?

Summary: Tak is convinced Y/n is dead. The love his life was killed saving him from an impulsive mistake he made. Between the blame, the drinks, and depression everything was bleak and pointless. Until he arrives a Bancroft party to find what he knew was nothing at all. What really happened?

Requested by: @ravenclawsstolemybunies 

A pulse flows through the air in a gushing wave. Tak felt his whole body fall to the gorund and go completely numb as well the rest of the swarming mob of people.

Stack Shocker... FUCK

He looked for Y/n in the now fallen crowd of battered and bruised people. She had been thrown by the blast in the middle of the road. Blood pooled around her body pushed around by the freezing rain.

Tak fights through using every ounce of strength to get himself to her lifeless body, the blurring his vision and making his body numb.

Her heart beat was slow. The noise and chaos that erupted around them disappeared into a static and blurry cloud. His mind went fuzzy with adrenaline and ears ringing from all of the hits to his head. 

“Y/N??? Y/N!!!!”

Nothing.

Cold skin... Blood... wound. Cover it... Pressure...

“Y/n please... oh god please...”

....Analyzing Stack.... No signs of activity. Lifeless

Too much... too many... guns... police....Leave....Leave her...now. Go!

~Present Day~

Tak sat in the outside garden at Suntouch waiting on Bancroft to finish whatever the fuck rich people do in their spare time. It was nice and all but he saw past the pretty flowers and statues. He saw everything scum like these people stood for. But, he needed the money if he was going to ever get out of this shit hole.

“Mr. Kovacs! You’re early.” Bancroft made his way through garden alongside his wife, who just seemed to be very interested in Tak anytime he was around.

“I need to speak with your associates or friends. See if they have any grudges against you or your family. I need you to get them all into one place without raising suspicion. Can you do that within the next few days?”

“Of course Mr. Kovacs whatever you need to get this done. I assume you have a plan? Do you plan on someone confessing to you or do you have someone in mind? I will tell you they are snakes with their own secrets and scandals. Turning over these stones will likely cause some fuss. More than the one you’re causing already my friend...”

"It does work in our favor though. Many people seem more interested in attending now that you are honored guest." Bancroft's wife said eyeing him a little too hard for her husband being a foot away.

“If you can get it done leave the rest to me.” Tak waiting for no contest left as quickly as he came. He couldn’t stand to be there, let alone work for them to save his life. Besides, he needed a cigarette and a drink to prepare for whatever the fuck he was about to step into.

When Tak arrived at the Raven Hotel, Poe was quick to spark conversation that he was just not in the mood for. Something about news or the maybe the weather? He didn’t know and he really didn’t care honestly. The headaches were getting worse not to mention the weird hallucinations. Maybe it was the drugs he took yesterday... What was it? LSD maybe?

“Master Kovacs I also think it’s imperative that you...”

“Poe. Seriously? Shut the fuck up my head hurts and I really don’t have time for your questions or whaatever other shit you have to bother me with.”

“Are the headaches getting progressively worse now?” Poe asked worriedly. He knew the cause, but hardly knew what to do anymore, Nothing seemed to remedy these episodes.

“You’re not helping it either.” Tak took a long awaited drag of a cigarette out his pocket and tilted his back. He closed his eyes and let the smoke curl out of his mouth as he felt the flood gates in his mind give way. He could see Y/n's face appear out of the mist of darkness. The dark splattered blood on her face and the way her eyes looked so dead. He felt the same pain swallow his chest as before. The same one that tears through his skin and coils around his heart.

“Master Kovacs are you still with us?” Poe asked observing him closely.

Waking from his trance, Tak gave Poe one last glare before he finally took the hint and fazed somewhere else. Closing his eyes again, he resumed his dream. This time, though, was different.

He could still see her face, but there was no blood. She was smiling even. It seemed so real and she looked so lively. She was speaking incherently almost in a whisper, but he couldn't understand a single word. Tak reached for her but no matter how close he got, she would just grow farther and farther away. At one point he even began to chase her, but taking a final leap to catch her woke him from his dream. Why was this one different? What could it mean?

Getting up from his chair Tak felt his head spin in a whirlwind of thought. There was no way she could be alive. None. From what he can remember Y/n’s stack and sleeve were destroyed. Anyone that found her remains would have never let her live and surely destroyed her stack. Everything now is fuzzy but hes sure. What Tak remembered had to be true.

It just had to be... right?

Now Tak was questioning everything he remembered about what happened. The headaches were becoming worse and even came down with a fever from all the strain on his body and mind.

Poe appeared next to Tak who was lying in bed dripping in sweat. “Do you need anything? I can make myself rather useful in a variety of areas. Cooking, cleaning, or just simply an ear for someone to talk to.” Poe said avoiding eye contact.

“Fine.” Giving in, Tak talked about Y/n. he talked about her smile, her strength, courage, and of course how beautiful she was inside and out. Poe listened intently smiling at how much Tak was gushing about this mystery woman. But when Tak explained how he thought she died and how the details aren’t adding up, it sounded familiar. She died before Poe could meet her, which he disappointed to hear, but he was more saddened by the fact that Y/n’s death was still killing him.

“She sounds wonderful. You two seemed very compatible.”

“She was wonderful... Everything that I thought I knew and thought was solid proof is falling through my hands. I can’t think straight I can’t sleep... A part of me still thinks she’s alive but it can’t be true. Y/n would have found me by now she would be looking for me or let me know what was happening but...”

“Mr. Kovacs if she were alive.” Poe interrupted, “Y/n would very slim of an opportunity to meet you. We don’t know the circumstances she is in or even her whereabouts if Y/n were to actually be alive. Perhaps it is better to take what you have left of Y/n and hold onto it. If she is alive, it is completely out of your hands.”

Tak walked away from Poe trying not to agree with what he was saying. He took a moment to stand on the balcony, letting the cigarette slowly burn away. He looked at the lively and bright city before him, his heart slowly but surely breaking. Rain soon engulfed the city like a flame, completely soaking his clothes, and camouflaging his tears.

~Flashback~

“You know Taki, although I do hate being in the city, it always looks so beautiful at night. The lights, the noise. It’s all so... surreal.” Y/n spoke looking out onto the cityscape from their room.

Aside from the pollution and screaming and yelling, the lights mixing with the thundering rain painted a beautiful picture. The way the colors mixed in water drops and the way skies lit up with lightning had Y/n in awe.

“I hate it no matter what it looks like. It’s nothing but criminals, sex, and secrets and everyone else having to deal with it” Tak said snaking his arms around her and holding her close placing small kisses on her neck.

“Sex sounds pretty good right about now...” Y/n gave smiled giving Tak a kiss.

Tak took in her all of her features and the way the wind combed through her hair perfectly and her eyes were just endless. It was her original body, but she was more than just looks. He loved every part of her no matter what body she was wearing, and being with her made him the happiest man in the world.

“God you're beautiful.” he said pulling her slose as possible

“You’re not too bad yourself, Taki.”

“Ugh. Stop calling me that. It sounds awful.”

“Make me.”

 ~Present~

At Bancroft’s Party, Tak was observing all of his friends and how they interacted with each other, especially Bancroft himself. He didn’t see anyone suspicious, actually all of them seemed like it, but there were several people that stood out. For all the wrong reasons anyway. Aside from the frilly dresses to eight pounds of makeup to some people just completely naked, all seemed normal.

Tak continued to down a few more shots when the mood of the room seemed to calm. People began to buzz amongst themselves and cluster together when this woman appeared. She was pretty, everyone at the party was supposed to be. Yet, she had something they didn’t, it was a certain way she looked down at even the highest of the high of people that caught his attention as well as everyone else's.

She didn’t mingle with the other guests, in fact, she made her way straight to the bar paying no attention to anyone or anything but the drink she would take in her hand. The burning liquor seemed to relieve the now noticeable anxious expression on her face.

“Not a fan of parties I take it?” Tak asked watching this woman down two more shots of really strong liquor with ease.

The sound of Tak’s voice caused her to slowly turn her head towards him. Her expression was unreadable, and she was trying to find the words to say but couldn’t. After a moment she steadied herself and spoke.

“Not a fan of these assholes that's for sure. I have never been to a party like this in a while, and never without a certain special someone. Now that I am here I think I can manage these clowns all night. And by the looks of it, you don’t seem to be enjoying yourself either mister.” She took a moment to take him in, she noticing he was fighting his own battle in this miserable place.

“Same situation you’re in I guess. Having to deal with their shit is a real fucking pain in the ass. You know these people?”

“I know of them, but they’re not why I’m here. I was looking for that special someone, it was rumored that they would be here tonight. Huge guest of honor I hear. I pulled all the strings I had in my back pocket to get into this party.”

“Over a rumor? Everyone likes an optimist I guess. I hope they’re worth it.” Tak downed one last drink before he tried to leave but her words stopped him.

"At least I think you are."

Tak paused for a moment. At first he was confused, he didn’t know this woman. But the more he thought about it, the more it actually didn’t make sense.

"Who the fuck are you?" He said more than aggitated thinking she was there to kill him or start something he had to finish.

“Taki, you still haven’t figured it out? So much for that envoy intuition.”

Taki?

“Y/N? It can't be. That's impossible your stack was...”

“It was ok. It was damaged only slightly but I needed a new sleeve for sure. This sleeve took a while to make and I had severe sleeve sickness afterwards. I was desperate to find you Taki. There is so much buzz around you now it was hard to get to you. I am so sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner... Maybe I could’ve helped you with all of this I...”

Tak swooped Y/n into an embraced and kissed her. Even holding her was long overdue. He felt the grip on his mind release and felt his heart throb out his chest. Y/n melted in his arms and felt all tension leave her body. Between the tears and the I love yous, the time they spent apart was slowly erased.

Completely not caring about Bancroft and his death anymore Tak and Y/n navigated through the crowd and out the back door. Bancroft would have his head on a pike later but he didn't care.

Using the elevator they did their best to avoid cameras and other party goers who could point them out or stop them.

Tak waved down a cab and let Y/n slide in first. After taking a moment to breathe after practically running out of the place they both started laughing hysterically. He missed that laugh. Despite the new sleeve it sounded the same.

They began exchanging stories of their time apart, and Tak realized he had forgotten how badass Y/n can be. Her stories seemed more eventful and dramatic than he thought possible. It made Bancroft's death and party and cheap soiree.

When Tak took a turn spoke about how her 'death' affected him, Y/n's heart sank at every word. His whole demeanor changed and did her hardest to hold back the waterfall of tears in her eyes. All she wanted to was cradle him in her arms forever. He already had lost Quell, he shouldn't of had to lose her too.

They let the heaviness in the air between them fill the silence. There would be longer be a need for pain anymore. It was over.

The car soon came to a halt in front of the hotel and Tak had to brace Y/n for the storm that was Poe. In all honesty she couldn't wait to meet Tak's only friend through everything.

After an hour long interview with Poe, Y/n headed upstairs to Tak's room. He stayed behind to grab something to eat off of Poe to bring up.

The amount of bottles on the floor made her feel guilty. She knew he was alive and what happened but he didn't know about her. Even when he thought she was dead he looked for her and found nothing. There were times she questioned going back to him at all. Not because she didn't love him, because she thought he was better off. She thought wrong.

Hearing the elevator make it's way up she quickly got out her clothes and into one of his shirts on the floor. She laid on the bed trying not fall asleep on the extremely comfy mattress.

Tak stepped out of the elevator with drinks and something fancy on a plate but seeing Y/n he didn't think the food would even be touched. He just set it on the floor, took off his clothes, and slid into bed beside her.

She slid in closer to him and laid her head on his chest. His body felt so warm despite being out in the cold. Y/n didn't have a care in the world. Being in his arms was the only world she wanted any part of.

Tak took a deep breath and closed his eyes for just a moment and for once didn't feel any pain or guilt. At long last it was just silence and darkeness. He began to stroke her back just make sure she hadn't disappeared. Laying there in silence, just being in each other's presence after so long and given how exhausted they were from the last few hours was more than enough.

"I love you Taki. More than anything."

"I love you too Y/n/n."

"Ew don't call me that." Y/n giggled. "Never use it again."

"Make me."

There something Tak wanted to do before they closed in for the night. Something that took a moment for him to gather the nerve for. Despite the anxiety he was feeling, he had to make sure he wouldn't lose her again.

Sensing his anxiety, Y/n looked up at him.

"What's on your mind Taki?"

...

"Marry me"

***************

Tags: @ittie-bittie-tittie @pixelsinspace @umbrellabrass @fandomalert31

[inspired-writer07]

Euphoria

Words: 1605

Summary: She knew, he didn’t.

[Inspired by: “Die From a Broken Heart” - Maddie and Tae; “Euphoria” - BTS; “Sober” - Taps]

“Hey momma how do you get a red wine stain out of your favorite dress? Black mascara off a pillowcase?” Y/N asked. She couldn’t help the tears that ran down her face. Her heart was shattering again and she couldn’t stop it. She’s been strong lately and she can now show her weakness in front of the only person she knows won’t judge her for it.

Y/N loved too much too soon, and she knows that now. It’s always been her downfall. Always leaving her heart on her sleeves. The brunette didn’t know how else to live. That’s how she saw her mom and her brother live their life. How she was raised. 

“How can he leave so easy? Am I going to be alright?” She chuckled through the tears. “Can you die from a broken heart? How can he leave me so easy?” He shouldn’t have been able to leave so easily. Although he didn’t leave, his heart did. She knew it before he did. Even then, how could he have left so easily? Not after what they’ve been through. 

~Flashback~

Y/N watched him on the world stage, performing like nothing else mattered. Because nothing did at the moment. The brunette watched him live his dreams and took a trip down memory lane to see how far he and his group have come. She was there through it all. The “less-than-stellar”  debut, helping them get more audience at their concerts, giving away free tickets, the blood, sweat, and tears of it all. She saw them fight amongst themselves when things got tense, makeup when they couldn’t stand not practicing. She saw them devastated when they went home empty-handed after awards shows, and she saw them cry and yell in victory when they won their first award, and first major award. She saw their rise and downfall and she watched as they rose again to break worldwide records, go on to be the group to pave the way for those to come. Y/N saw it all. 

~Flashback End~

Y/N saw, and witnessed first-hand, her beloved SO rise from nothing, and she ultimately saw how he slowly became someone else’s. She denied it at first. She didn’t want to believe that the man who held her as she buried her older brother, and months later her mother, was the same man whose heart now belonged to someone else before he even realized it himself. Y/N knew he was denying it. He was too good of a person to cheat on Y/N. She hated those who cheat, she’s been cheated on before, and somehow this was worse. Being cheated on sucks, but knowing that the love of your life is in love with someone else while with you isn’t something she thought she’d ever experience. It hurts worse because she couldn’t be mad at him or her. They did nothing wrong. They didn’t kiss or sleep around. No, they just happened to be the most compatible people on earth. She gets him like no one else and it killed Y/N to admit it. 

Y/N sat in between her brother and mother’s grave staring into the stars. Time eluded her as she sat in peace. Her tears had dried up some time ago, even though her heart still ached at the situation she was in. She knew what she needed to do, and it may hurt, but it was for the best. She stood before blowing a kiss to her mother and brother before starting her trek back to her car.

“Just do it.” She chanted to herself as she sat in her car in the BigHit private parking lot. She took a deep breath and exited her car. Her new confidence was her sole motivation to make it to the elevator, and it all but evaporated when she arrived at his studio and saw the pair inside. 

“Hello.” Seunghee smiled and bowed.

“Hey,” Y/N replied. She couldn’t help but hate the other woman. She couldn’t help it. 

Y/N saw his smile as he saw her, and then she saw his smile widen as he heard whatever Seunghee replied under her breath.

“Hey, you.”  He hugged Y/N and planted a small kiss on her hairline. 

“Can I talk to you for a sec Jungkook?” Y/N asked. Jungkook smiled and nodded. “In private.” She continued through gritted teeth. The duo before her were confused before nodding and dispersing. The two hugged, and even though it happened within a second, she saw how his arms tightened around the blonde. They parted and said their goodbyes, Jungkook to the chair, and Seunghee to go and find her former classmates Taehyung and Jimin.

“So what’s up?” Jungkook said, turning around to the soundboard.

“Let’s break up.”

Jungkook froze, hand hovering over the play button. He couldn’t register what she had just spoken. 

Y/N stood there not knowing what else to say. She turned to leave when his words reached her ears.

“Wha-why?” the male finally responded, turning around. “Please tell me this is a joke.” Tears were on the verge of falling.

“I wish it was Kook.”

“We can work it out. We always do.”

“Trust me, we won’t be able to. It’s best to end things now while things are good.”

“You’re not making any sense, Y/N.” He was now standing, unable to be seated while his girlfriend was about to walk out of his life.

Y/N was slowly getting irritated. ‘Isn’t this what he wants?’ She thought.

“At least tell me why you’re leaving me Y/N.”

“Because I can’t sit by and watch you love someone else Jungkook. I can’t sit here and deny it anymore.”

“What are you talking about Y/N?”

The two were starting to raise their voices. The emotions were too much for either one to stay calm.

“I’m talking about Seunghee, Jungkook!”

The male scoffed. “Are you kidding me Y/N? You’re breaking up with me because I’m friends with her?!”

“No. I’m breaking up with you because you’re in love with her!”

“Y/-”

“Don’t deny it, Kook. I can see it. I’ve known you my whole life, Jungkook. I can see it in your eyes. The way they light up when the slightest mention of her is said, or how you can’t stop smiling when she’s near. Jungkook, I know you love her because this is how you were when you found out you loved me.”

“Y/N, you don’t know shit about me then. I don’t love her, I love you!”

Tears fell as her lips curved into a sad smile. “Do you know that that’s the first time you said you loved me since meeting her?”

“That’s not true.” his voice breaking, because he knew she was right. But not because of meeting Seunghee. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why he was irritated whenever Y/N called, or why he never picked up. He didn’t know why he stopped taking her out on dates or accepted her multiple offers for dinner. He didn’t know why he never told Y/N that he loved her, because he truly did. And if continued being honest with himself, he did know why. He knows why he was distancing himself from Y/N, and it’s because he was falling for Seunghee. The tears fell as he reached for her hand. His lips parted as he tried to form an apology good enough for the love of his life. 

Y/N smiled a bitter smile, before squeezing his hand. 

“I love you Jungkook. You were there for me through everything, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be able to say that you once loved me. I hope you find that infinite happiness you couldn’t have with me.” She pulled him in for a hug and kissed him one last time. 

Jungkook watched in slow motion as he witnessed her hands let his go. He didn’t know how long he stood there by himself. It may have well could have been thirty seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. He snapped out of it when he felt the hands of his leader on his shoulder. He looked up to see the hyung line standing before him with worried faces.

“What happened?” Namjoon questioned.

“Hyung.” His voice broke as his knees collapsed, forcing the older man to catch him. His cries could be heard by the staff and trainees. The activities stopped as they listened to the almighty Jungkook wail in heartbreak.

“Junkook-ah.” Jin whispered. His heart broke for the boy. He knew how much he loved Y/N, she was the first person he introduced them to. Not his family or close friends, but Y/N.

The older three looked up to see Hoseok standing there out of breath, shaking his head. He had run after Y/N after hearing the screams and witnessing her leave in tears. He had tried to catch up, but she was determined to leave. By the time he had reached the garage, her car left the building. 

The dancer stood at the door and watched as Jungkook wept in their leaders’ arms. Jimin and Taehyung had just returned from walking Seunghee to her car. They had seen Y/N run from the stairs to her cars in tears. They had called out her name in worry, only stopping in confusion upon seeing Hoseok run after her. They had rushed Seunghee to her car before rushing upstairs, only to witness the aftermath of a long, loving relationship.

-END-

*Disclaimer: constructive criticism please.

[steebrogurz]

Save Me (Part 1)

Summary: Bucky comes to your rescue during a fight with your boyfriend.

a/n: here is my submission for @sunmoonandbucky​’s 1.5K constellations writing challenge, and I really hope you all enjoy it. This will be part one of a new series I’m writing. Thank you so much for reading and let me know what you think I always love reading your thoughts and feedback :)

Characters: Bucky, Steve, Sam (eventually), minor characters

word count: 3941

Warnings: abuse, pregnancy, abortion,

My heart is racing in my chest as I sit in the corner booth of a cafe waiting for Alex to arrive. A steaming mug of tea and a muffin sit on the table in front of me but the thought of eating anything makes my stomach churn. Every time the door opens I look up to see if he’s here and I get a little bit more on edge when it’s not him. After about five more minutes I pull out my phone to text him and ask if he’s close when someone slides into the booth opposite me with a tight smile on his face.

“Hey, what’s going on? Your text said it was urgent,” Alex sits across from me shrugging off his light fall jacket. I take a moment to examine him. Sunglasses hang off the collar of his favourite band t-shirt. Locks of wavy blond hair fall into his eyes and he brings his hand up to push them back and he looks at me with a slightly worried expression.

We met on tinder and while I knew right from the start that we weren’t as compatible as either of us had hoped the sex was good so I agreed to a second date. Two months later we were still seeing each other.

My hands start to pull apart the muffin if only for something to do to distract me from my nerves. I open my mouth to try and talk but my throat closes around the words and I have to clear my throat to try again. “So I’m not exactly sure if there’s an easy way to say this so I’m just gonna say it,” I take a deep breath to steel myself and prepare for any kind of reaction. “I’m pregnant,” my voice wavers a bit as I say the two words I never thought I’d have to say and I watch for his reaction.

His worried expression changes to confusion. “How? We’ve always used a condom.”

“Well, condoms aren’t 100% effective.”

“Are you sure? Like, are you absolutely certain?”

I nod solemnly. “I mean I’m about a week late and I have a positive pregnancy test from this morning in my garbage so, yeah, I’m pretty certain.”

We sit in silence for a few more seconds as he digests the news. I was prepared for panic, frantic googling of what to do after getting pregnant, I even prepared myself for him to just get up and leave but I admit what happens next is not something I was expecting. A big smile slowly spreads across his face and his eyes light up. “This is amazing!” Alex pulls out his phone and starts typing rapidly. “Ok, there’s a lot we’ll need to do before the baby comes, but first thing’s first, you need to meet my parents. My mom will be so happy she’s been hinting at grandchildren for a while now.” He chuckles to himself and continues to talk about baby showers, whether we should find a new apartment together or if I should just move in with him, completely unaware of my own stunned and panicked expression.

“Alex,” I voice cracks as I say his name, he doesn’t hear me so I try again. This time I reach out and push his phone down forcing him to look at me. “Alex, stop.”

He stops talking and gives me a puzzled look. “What?”

“I’m not keeping the baby,” I say as firmly as I can. “I’m only telling you so you can, I don’t know, come with me, maybe.”

His smile disappears from his face and I can see shock and anger spark in his hazel eyes. “What do you mean you’re not keeping the baby?!” He demands. “You can’t do that! Don’t you need my consent or something?” His voice climbs in volume and I’m suddenly very aware of the other people around us.

“Keep your voice down,“ I plead looking around to see if we’ve caught anyone’s attention. “And I don’t need your consent but I’d be nice if I had your support but if you can’t give me that then we should just end things now and get on with our lives. I’ll do this by myself if I have to.” I grab my purse and sweater as I slide out of the booth, leaving the torn up muffin and untouched tea behind me.

I shoulder my purse and move to walk past him towards the door but he reaches out and grabs my wrist to stop me from leaving. “You can’t do this!” He growls at me and fear suddenly licks up my spine. I’ve never seen him like this. Admittedly, we never really had a chance to get to know each other past the sex. “I won’t let you kill my baby.”

“You don’t get a say in this.” I try to keep my voice steady as I attempt to pull my wrist from his grip but he squeezes harder. “Let go, Alex, you’re hurting me.” I can feel tears well up in my eyes but I blink them back refusing to cry in front of him.

“No.” I can hear the rage in his voice. He grabs his jacket with his other hand and quickly stands up. I have to stumble back to avoid him stepping on me but I can’t get very far because his hand is still wrapped painfully around my wrist. He heads for the door, pulling me with him and I struggle to break free without causing too much of a scene.

I start to panic when he opens the cafe door and pushes me through. My mind is racing a mile a minute; Where is he taking me? Am I being kidnapped? What is he going to do to me? I’ve heard stories of women being beaten or worse for simply saying no a man. The street outside holds a few people window shopping but they’re too far away. I try to plant my feet in the ground to at least slow him down, maybe if I put up some kind of fight he’ll give up and leave. “Alex stop! You can’t do this! You can’t force me to have this baby.”

He stops in his tracks and whirls around to face me, the rage still his eyes. He brings his other hand up and I think for a terrifying second that he’s going to hit me, instead he grips my chin holding me still and forcing me to look at him. “I’m not making you to do anything, you’re not thinking straight and you just need time to think about this and bond with the baby.” I try to open my mouth to say something else but he just talks over me. “We can be a family, we can be happy.” I can see a spark of hope in his eyes behind the rage.

“Hey!” Someone shouts behind me but Alex doesn’t move, either not hearing the person or assuming they’re yelling at someone else. They yell again, closer this time.

“Hey!” A large, gloved, hand comes into view and grips Alex’s shoulder to get his attention. Alex releases my chin but still holds firm on my wrist that’s starting to lose feeling. We both look over to see a brick wall of a man standing before us. The man looks like he lives at the gym. He’s wearing a black bomber jacket but it’s clear that he’s very muscular. He looks vaguely familiar with his chestnut brown hair pulled back into a bun and his piercing blue eyes staring Alex down but I can’t seem to place it. “Let her go.” He speaks calmly in a low voice but his tone is deadly serious.

Alex squares his shoulders and draws himself up to his fullest height. I can see from where I am that he’s a couple inches shorter than the man but that doesn’t seem to deter him. “This is none of your business, asshole. This is between me and her.”

The man turns to me instead, his eyes soften as they meet mine. “Ma'am are you ok?” his tone is gentle and soothing as if he were approaching a panicked animal, which I guess I am at the moment. I look between the two men not wanting to make things worse but also wanting to get as far away from Alex as possible. I look down at my shoes and shake my head.

Alex scoffs and lets go of me with so much force that my hand swings back and smacks me in the thigh. I clutch my hand to my chest and take a few steps away from him partially hiding myself behind the man. Alex is glaring daggers at me and jabs a finger in my direction. “You know what, fine. Do whatever the fuck you want but just keep in mind you’re murdering an innocent baby.”

I stare after him as he turns and stalks off, shoulders hunched and fists clenched at his sides. As soon as he’s out of sight there’s nothing to stop the tears from falling and I break down sobbing in relief. A hand gently touches my elbow and I jump in surprise remembering the man is still standing with me. “Thank you,” I choke out between sobs.

The man offers a reassuring smile. “Don’t mention it.”

I manage to get a hold of myself and stop crying enough to smile back. “Can I buy you a coffee or something? I left my tea at that cafe over there and now I’m really regretting it. Besides it’s the least I can do after you probably just saved my life.”

The man hesitates but after a second his smile widens and he nods. “Sure.”

I turn to walk back to the cafe and he falls in step beside me. “I’m Y/N by the way.”

He hesitates again and I look over at him, his hands are in his pockets and he’s staring at the ground as we walk. I can’t shake the feeling that I know him from somewhere and I’m hoping that maybe if I know his name it’ll spark something. “I’m… James.” No such luck.

We enter the cafe and I quickly glance at the table I was sitting in not ten minutes ago. It’s already been cleared and I’m not sure what I expected, I definitely would have gotten a few stares if I just sat at a table to started drinking a tea that was just sitting there even if was mine to begin with. So we stand at the counter and I order again, forgoing the muffin this time. He orders the same kind of tea as me and I can’t help but stare in surprise. Again, I don’t know what I expected.

Once seated, him sitting across from me, we both sip at our tea in silence. I cast furtive glances at him still trying to figure out where I know him from. But before I can ask, he looks at me with his piercing blue eyes cutting off any thought in my head.

“Can I ask what that was all about back there?” The curiosity is plain in his voice and on his face but I can tell that he won’t push it if I refuse to tell him.

I scoff and stare into my tea watching the ripples as I drum the sides with my fingers. The fight with Alex already feels like a distant memory or a bad dream but the bruise forming around my wrist is a clear reminder of everything that just happened. “I’m pregnant and as I’m sure you can guess he wants me to have the baby. I don’t.” I shiver as my thoughts go back to fight and I wrap my hands around the cup taking comfort in the warmth. “And if you hadn’t stopped him-” I can feel tears sting in my eyes again but they don’t fall. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

James suddenly reaches across the table and gently places a warm hand on my arm and I freeze. My blood runs cold and I stare at his hand as panic rises in my chest, clouding my head. Somewhere deep in my mind I note that he’s wearing gloves, maybe he’s a germaphobe. He quickly retracts his hand looking away as he does. “Sorry.”

I shake my head to clear my mind and focus. “It’s- it’s fine.” I give him a weak smile and shift in my seat feeling a sense of restlessness. I watch as he focuses on anything but me, he picks an invisible piece of lint from his jacket, he checks his phone, and I decide I’m done talking about me. “have we met before?” I ask tilting my head to the side as I try to think of where I’ve seen him before.

James regards me with confusion and surprise. “Um- no I don’t think so,” he starts to look around the cafe as if he’s about to run. His phone starts to ring. “Shit, sorry one sec. Hey Steve- yeah, sorry I…forgot. I’m nearby, at The Postmark cafe in Brooklyn right now but I can be there in about fifteen minutes.“ He hangs up and puts his phone face down on the table. "Sorry about that, I had lunch plans with a friend that I’m now late for. I should get going but I just wanna make sure you’re ok, I can cancel and stick around if you think he’ll be back.”

I keep my eyes on him, watching as he talks to the person on the phone. I could swear I’ve seen him before and the clue that his friend’s name is Steve pushes him closer to the front of my mind but I still can’t quite put my finger on it. “No I think I’ll be ok. Are you sure we haven’t met? You just look so familiar but I can’t quite place it.” I squint my eyes at him as if that’ll help.

He clenches his jaw and his eyes go wide as something behind me catches his attention.

“Buck, we made these plans two hours ago how could you forget already?”

I turn around and feel my jaw drop as a man I never thought I’d see in person makes his way towards us. I stare wide-eyed when he comes to stand at our table.

“Although, now it all makes sense. Hi, I’m Steve Rogers.” He holds his hand to me and as though in slow-motion I reach out to shake his hand.

“Y/N” I say glancing between Steve and James…or Buck. Wait. Suddenly it clicks. I let go of Steve’s hand and turn to face James head on. “You’re James Barnes!” I sit there starstruck as he silently nods looking like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Wow, I never thought an actual Avenger would be coming to my personal rescue today.”

“Rescue?” Steve’s brows furrow together as he looks between us. He crosses his arms across his chest and I have to tear my eyes away from his biceps.

I reflexively touch my bruised wrist. “I had a… disagreement with my ex. Luckily James stopped things from getting worse,” I meet James’s gaze and my heart flutters in my chest. “So I offered to buy him a tea to say thanks. But I should get going, there’s something I need to do.” James gives me a knowing nod and I push myself away from the table bending down to pick up my purse and tea. “Sorry for interrupting your plans and thank you again, James.”

James quickly scribbles something down on a napkin before standing up with me. “Here’s my number if you need anything,” he says holding out the folded napkin with a small smile on his lips. “And you can call me Bucky.”

I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as I reach for the napkin and heat spreads across my face when I meet his eyes. “Okay Bucky, I’ll see you around…maybe.” I quickly turn and head for the door then remember that Steve is still standing there watching everything. “It was nice meeting you Steve!” I call over my shoulder before practically running for the door without waiting for a reply.

******************Bucky*********************

I watch Y/N’s retreating form until she’s out of sight and turn to Steve. He’s got that stupid smirk on his face and I glare at him. “What?” I cross my arms defensively.

“She’s cute,” Steve smiles wider and I have to resist the urge to smack it right off his face.

Instead I just roll my eyes and move around him towards the same door Y/N just walked through. “Shut up, I only prevented her from getting hurt. Are we goin’ or what?” I turn back around to see Steve is still standing at the table regarding me with a knowing look. He’s right though, she was cute and I might’ve asked her to dinner but in light of what I witnessed earlier with her ex-boyfriend…and the pregnancy she has enough on her plate at the moment.

Thankfully, Steve doesn’t say anything else on the matter and I’m forever grateful that Sam isn’t with us or I wouldn’t be hearing the end of it. We walk a few blocks west towards the restaurant we planned on for lunch and are seated shortly after.

We talk about nothing of importance mostly schedules and various missions Steve is set to go on when my phone rings for the second time today. I glance at the screen and it only says unknown number. Normally I don’t answer calls when I’m with someone but my gut is telling me that this is something I need to answer, so I apologize to Steve and answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Bucky? It’s- it’s Y/N. I’m really sorry about this I know you have plans but I might need you to save me again.” Her voice warbles as if she’s trying not to cry.

“Y/N? Are you ok? What happened?” Dread settles in the pit of my stomach as she speaks. Did her ex find her after she left? I look up at Steve and see my thoughts mirrored in his eyes.

“Yeah nothing’s happened it’s just that there’s a crowd outside the clinic yelling at people trying to get in and that’s not really something I want to deal with alone right now.”

Without saying a word, Steve nods to me and I know he’s telling me to go. I nod back and mouth sorry before jumping out of my seat and making my way to the exit. “Where are you? I’m on my way.”

*****************Y/N*****************

I don’t have to wait long for Bucky to show up, and he’s not hard to miss. Being six feet tall and built like a tank everyone seems to just move out of his way. He finds me sitting on the curb of a side street out of view of the crowd and looks me up and down looking for any injuries I suspect. I find his concern endearing.

“I’m so sorry about this,” I say when he reaches me. My eyes sting from the unshed tears still clinging to my lashes. You’re weak. The thought flashes through my head and I hiccup trying to keep my nerves in check. “You probably have stuff to do today and here I am asking you to hold my hand through this.” I try to joke to cover the fact that deep down I’m terrified.

Bucky immediately places his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eye, “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I thought I could do this on my own but apparently not and I didn’t really know who else I could call.” I sniffle and take a deep breath to steady myself. “Okay I’m ready if you are.” I turn towards the clinic a d clench my fists to help me focus on putting one foot in front of the other

Bucky nods falling into step beside me. I hold my head high as we walk towards the crowd feeling emboldened by his presence, but as we get closer I start to shrink into his side and I bow my head to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Someone shouts something to me and feel a strong arm wrap around my shoulders protectively. I glance up and I see Bucky glaring at anyone who dares to approach us.

We reach the door without any major incident and quickly walk into the reception and waiting room of the clinic. The white walls give me a sense of both unease and comfort as I step up to the front desk and I’m greeted by a smiling nurse.

“Hey there. Sorry about the crowd outside, I hope they didn’t give too much trouble. What can we do for you today.”

“Um, hi. I have an appointment for an ab-” I falter and try again. “An abortion,” I whisper the words as if they would offend the people around me. I take a moment to look around to see if anyone heard me but everyone in the waiting room is either too far away or too preoccupied with their own issues to pay any attention to me.

The nurse asks for my health card and types something into the computer. “Okay, fill this out and we’ll call you when we’re ready for you.”

I quietly sit in one of the chairs to fill out the forms and out of the corner of my eye I see Bucky sit in the chair beside me. At first I’m confused then I realize that he’s probably planning on waiting with me. I feel a pang in my heart at the realization and turn to face him. “Look I don’t want you to waste your whole day here with me, you’ve already done a lot for me and I don’t think I could ever repay you, but you don’t have to stay this might take a while.” I can feel my heart race when he turns his blue gaze on me. There’s a sincerity in his eyes that I haven’t seen from a person in a long time and my heart skips a beat.

“I’m not going anywhere. I want to make sure you’re alright.”

I can’t help the smile that appears on my face or the blush that creeps up my cheeks at his words. “Oh, ok thank you,” I look down at the form I’ve finished filling out and stand to hand it back to the nurse. When I sit back down Bucky is still watching me and I feel as if he’s worried I might pass out or get sick or something. We lapse into a slightly awkward silence as we sit waiting for the doctor.

When my name is finally called I’m relieved to have something else to focus on other than the silence between me and Bucky, but at the same time I’m reluctant to leave his side afraid of what might happen if he isn’t there to save me one more time.

Sensing my nerves he takes hold of my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. “It’s going to be ok.”

The warmth of his hand shocks me into moving. Without letting go of his hand I stand up from the chair and take a few steps towards the nurse, who is now holding a door to the rest of the facility open for me. Bucky doesn’t stand with me and with one last look behind me and an encouraging nod from him I let go of his hand and follow the nurse through the door.  

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @kevaaronday!

Read on AO3

*****

Heard you were tough (but you don't look it)

1 - That Asshole 0 - Derek 1

Usually Derek got a different response after he’d saved someone’s life.

Depending on if the person was in the know or not, he either got some very surprised screaming about monsters, or a sincere thank you and the occasional offer to be thanked in some other way. Which he always declined, because that would be taking advantage.

This guy, this… asshole. He was different.

“I had that,” he was immediately yelling at Derek.

Different, and clearly delusional.

“You were seconds away from death,” Derek wondered if The Asshole was on something. “The Omega’s fangs were inches from tearing your throat out.”

Derek had jumped in immediately, without a thought for his own safety. As an Alpha, he’d heal pretty damn quickly from anything a crazed Omega could do to him. And the guy almost getting his throat torn out was human - at least at first glance.

“As if,” The Asshole was actually laughing at him.

“I get that you probably have a weapon or two in hand,” Derek did not have the patience to be dealing with a hunter who thought himself invincible. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be killed.”

Though, he couldn’t smell any wolfsbane on this guy. He couldn’t smell much of anything, which was probably a bad sign. If hunters had somehow learned how to block their chemosignals, that would take away a large part of the advantage the wolves had over them.

They needed that advantage.

His pack was probably going to call him paranoid, since they had very little problems with hunters anymore, now that Chris Argent had turned out to be a decent person. But it wasn’t paranoia if it kept all of them alive.

“I don’t need weapons,” That Asshole rolled his eyes at Derek.

That was a new one. He hadn’t ever heard a hunter say that before. They were always so dependant on their guns and their wolfsbane - or even bows. This guy seemingly carried none of those things. Though he was wearing so many layers it was hard to tell.

“Do you have claws hidden underneath that plaid?” Derek had to ask.

Because that was the only way that The Asshole would have made it out alive. There was no way a human got that close to a rabid Omega without any weapons on him and still lived to tell the tale. Not without some kind of interference. Or someone saving their ungrateful ass.

“Nothing up my sleeves,” the guy pushed up said sleeves.

Nothing to see there. There was nothing special about this guy, until Derek turned to look at the Omega (the corpse) lying on the ground, and then looked up to find that The Asshole was nowhere to be found.

Well, fuck. Clearly this was no random human. The smell of petrichor told him that much - funny how that he could smell, when there was nothing about the magic-user himself that Derek could get a scent on. So he was powerful, and could have probably handled himself against that Omega - but was it worth the risk?

And still, a ‘thank you’ wouldn’t have been out of place here. Derek was just saving a life, it was That Asshole who had to make it into a big fight. Just because Derek hadn’t wanted him to die at the hands of a feral Omega.

That was about as kind as he got.

2 - The best Spark ever 1 - Grumpy Wolf 1

So clearly the Beacon Hills Alpha was a self-righteous ass, but it wasn’t like Stiles could just let him die. That would be… less than ideal for his standing in the local community. Also, he wasn’t actually that much of an asshole. Not usually, not to anyone who didn’t deserve it.

He was just in doubt about how much the Alpha deserved it.

Still, there was a difference between actively being an asshole to someone and letting them die because of a troupe of egomaniac hunters. Beacon Hills needed an Alpha, and Stiles was going to get one over on the asshole Alpha - so clearly two reasons to do the right thing. That and Stiles’ hatred of hunters. That made three.

Ugh, guess he had to show off now. He hated doing that (no he didn’t).

“Hello there fellas,” Stiles did enjoy playing the harmless human card when it gave him an advantage. “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but it feels like the start of a bullying PSA.”

That stopped these rednecks in their tracks - and seriously, why were hunters usually rednecks? Was it the racism or the love of guns? Or both? Both.

“You’d best get on your merry way, boy,” the one with the baseball cap started threatening him.

And that meant he really didn’t know what he was up against, which was awesome for Stiles but not so much for these guys. And not so much for the Alpha’s ego, clearly, because he was halfway to growling at Stiles before he even spoke up. Right, because it was perfectly fine for Stiles to be the damsel but this guy is too manly to be put in that position?

Fucking toxic masculinity!

“I’m going to need your pet Alpha for that,” Stiles grinned. “I kinda called dibs.”

That surprised them enough that Stiles could get off the first spell with a quick flick of the wrist - a modification of the mountain ash circle that allowed nothing or no one to enter or exit the circle without Stiles’ permission. And since the asshole Alpha was very much outside that circle…

“You’re welcome,” Stiles cocked his head, waiting for some appreciation from said Alpha.

He got none.

The Alpha was basically growling at him. “You called dibs?”

Maybe that wasn’t the best thing he could have said about an apparently extremely paranoid Alpha. But he’d already said it, and well, he stood by it. Because underneath that anger, and the heavy brow, and the asshole behavior… Well, underneath all of that the Alpha was kind of hot and Stiles would have hate-sexed him in a heartbeat. If, you know, he wasn’t an ungrateful ass. Or if he seemed like the kind of guy who was into hate-sex.  

“I’m sorry, are these rednecks more your type?” Stiles had no trouble keeping the circle intact. “I am not sure you’re kink-compatible.”

The joking just riled the Alpha up even more, which was a whole different level of entertaining. And watching the Alpha’s eyebrows twitch when Stiles easily tightened the circle the hunters were still trapped in, well that was just the icing on the cake, really. The guy was really pissed off that Stiles was powerful enough to save himself and others - such a savior complex.

“Well, I’d best be off,” Stiles wasn’t going to let the Asshole Alpha get another word in. “I have some criminals to hand-deliver to the Sheriff. You’re welcome.”

And with that, he left an Alpha werewolf in the dust. Like a BAMF.

3 - Dangerous magic user 1 - Derek 2

There was no way that Derek was going to let a dangerous magic user run through Beacon Hills unchecked. This was his territory, and it was his job to keep people safe, and therefore it was his job to know when dangerous people were around who risked tipping the balance.

And this guy - there was no way that he wasn’t dangerous. Someone that powerful, who could trap groups of hunters with a flick of his wrist and casually drag a protective circle after him… Maybe Derek had trust issues - and he knew he did - but he couldn’t trust the intentions of anyone that powerful. Especially when this person hadn’t even introduced himself to the pack, which was supposed to be tradition.

It almost made him miss Deaton. At least he remembered how things were supposed to work, enigmatic as he might have been before randomly bailing two months ago. He never even explained why he left or where he’d gone. And he’d left no forwarding address.

The wendigos were a bit more of an urgent issue, though.

Derek’d had to look through his mother’s old journals, the one she always locked up in the vault because she didn’t want the kids to get their hands on them. She’d spoken of the creatures, mentioned how dangerous they were and how imperative it was that they be kept far away from humans - especially those who were born with magic in their blood.

Did he mention that wendigos had an immunity to most spells?

Clearly the pain in the ass magic user hadn’t done the research, because he was still out there, in the Preserve in the middle of the night, flinging spells at an advancing wendigo. Derek knew his pack was dealing with the rest of the family, but they’d left the most dangerous one to him - as they should. Derek healed faster than they did.

“Get out of the way,” he threw himself into battle without another thought. “They’re mostly immune to magic. You need to get to safety.”

The magic user didn’t listen, not right away. But Derek couldn’t spend too much energy keeping track on him, not when he had a cannibalistic creature to get rid of. Looking back once already earned him a slash across the ribs, and he was lucky it wasn’t worse.

“What the hell is that thing?”

So clearly the magic user wasn’t leaving.

“Wendigo,” Derek shouted at him. “Now leave. Please. I’ve got this.”

The please just… came out. It was completely unlike their previous interactions, but Derek had said it and now he had to deal with it. Or he could just pretend he’d never said it and deal with a dangerous monster instead. That sounded like the better option.

Sometimes he wished there was another way to deal with a wendigo. But there wasn’t. His mother had tried, several times even, and if Talia Hale couldn’t do it… It had to be impossible.

He took a deep breath, trying to center himself, trying to anchor himself to his pack as he let the wolf into the driver’s seat. Against a creature like this, it is best to shift completely. Like his mother had.

It hurt to have his bones completely rearrange themselves, but he was used to pain. It helped him heal the scratches from the wendigo a bit quicker too.

“Holy shit, did you just?” Mage was still there.

Derek-wolf growled at him. Not safe for Mage with nice scent .

Not until after he shifted back, his body too tired to maintain the shift after he’d managed to defeat the angry wendigo singlehanded, did he realize that the magic user had never left. That he’d stuck around to watch Derek save his stupid life, for some reason.

Though he disappeared as soon as Derek’s pack came to find him.

He didn’t say thank you. Not surprising.

4 - The Amazing Mischief 2 - Sexy Wolf 2

So apparently the Alpha could actually turn into a wolf. Stiles was reluctantly impressed. Reluctantly, because the guy was still an asshole who thought Stiles couldn’t handle himself against one single wendigo - and yeah, okay, maybe he was right about the whole immunity to magic thing, but still.

But the full shift? Impressive. Saying please? Heartbreaking. Protecting Stiles even in full wolf form? Confusing. Stupid. Weird.

Grudging acceptance was not the way he wanted to go with this guy.

And so, when he saw another chance to piss the Alpha off by saving his ass, even though he had a whole pack he could call in for backup instead… Stiles just had to take it.

And yeah, technically he was the protector of the town now, after that vet had just disappeared and his Dad had dragged him back from Poland because they really needed the help. And after the weeks he’s had, with the Omega and the hunters and a family of wendigos - well, Stiles is never dismissing the Hellmouth-like quality of Beacon Hills ever again. So technically it was now his job to protect idiot martyr Alphas - even though his job description just said “consultant”.

Ugh, damn Alpha werewolf and his martyr complex.

“We have got to stop meeting like this, Sourwolf,” Stiles leaps in front of the monster with a smug grin on his face.

Is that actually a fucking kanima? He’s never seen one of those in the flesh before.

“Of course you’re here,” the Alpha is not amused.

“Danger’s calling,” Stiles shrugged as he erected a magical shield. “Did you murder anyone recently? Other than the wendigo? Because he shouldn’t be after you like this, sexy wolf.”

That one just kind of slipped out, but Stiles was certainly not going to walk it back. No, he was totally going to own it - he’d hit on Alpha werewolves before. Sure, those were probably less hot - and less of an asshole. Infuriatingly, that made this guy just Stiles’ type.

Which was something he’d have to contemplate after he saved him from the kanima.

“Please just call me Derek,” the Alpha hid his face.

Because he was actually… blushing? That was awesome. Even the kanima seemed to think it was funny, which was just…

“Is he our new Daddy?”

Where the kanima had just stood, a smug douche-looking guy had taken his place. There was still a slimy quality about him, but it didn’t seem like they were in any kind of real danger, so Stiles figured he could drop the shield.

“You interrupted our sparring session,” Alpha Derek had crossed his arms over his solid chest.

And no, Stiles, that was a terrible road to go down.

Best to focus on the fact that there was a fucking kanima in the pack, and no one had bothered to inform him of that. He was going to have to have words with his Dad about this. Yes, his father would hear about this.

“Still saved your wolfy butt,” Stiles had to argue.

“I was in no danger whatsoever,” Derek rolled his eyes.

Ugh, the sass was a great look on him, and that was just unfair. He was just glad he was good at masking scent, because he did not want the wolf to have that kind of advantage.

“Still counts.”

Figuring that was a decent enough exit line, Stiles made a magical escape. Sure, it was a waste of his power, but he was trying to make a good impression here. Sort of.

5 - Mr. Stilinski if you’re nasty 3 - Derek freaking Hale 2

Research was key, especially when dealing with a pack that he was going to be having dealings with for a long time, if his Dad had his way. Dad was so happy to finally have Stiles close again, that he was about five seconds away from setting up a play-date with Alpha Hale and his pack. He only dropped it when Stiles assured him that he had it handled.

Sure, his Dad only dropped it long enough to seriously laugh at him, but it worked.

So the next time he approached the Hale pack, he followed the protocol that Babcia had drummed into him. Which was all well and good, until they got attacked like ten seconds after Stiles had finally properly introduced himself to Derek.

“Chimeras,” the blonde girl cursed. “Fucking chimeras.”

Oh, his Dad had filled him in on those, and Stiles was not in any way looking forward to this, but he was prepared to handle them. If he had to, because those kids had probably not asked to be turned into this, had not asked to be made feral.

“We just have to hold them off long enough for Lydia to get the cure,” Derek showed why he was actually a good Alpha. “Stay safe. Be careful. Don’t go after them alone. You know Theo and his traps.”

Fucking Theo was still around? Of course he was. He was never happy until he was making everyone in this town miserable. Sucked for him that Stiles was back now, because Stiles had never had any patience for his brand of dangerous bullshit. Also, Stiles was way more powerful than he was, and he was going to enjoy rubbing that in Theo’s face.

Just, well, he still didn’t want to hurt any innocent people.

“There’s a cure?” Stiles turned to Derek. “I can hold them for a while. How long do you need?”

The look on Derek’s face was just unfair. It was grateful, warm, pleased - Derek trusted him, trusted Stiles with his life and his pack’s lives. And that was… stupid of him. Sure, Stiles had saved his life… well this would be the third time’s charm.

Okay maybe it wasn’t stupid.

And maybe they made it work, with the girl named Lydia - he vaguely remembered her from elementary school, before his Mom died and he went to live with Babcia to get a handle on his abilities - and all of Derek’s pack. But Stiles’ powers were the only reason no one was harmed while they waited for the cure to work.

That wasn’t arrogance, that was the painful truth.

“Thank you,” Derek looked at him way too sincerely.

“Yeah, had to save that hot ass,” Stiles was babbling, he knew he was. “Disregard that. I’m just going to go. Because well, it’s your turn next. Or whatever.”

It was. Stiles was in the lead now, and it wasn’t like Stiles wanted to be saved… He just wanted to be chased, a little. Maybe wanted Derek to like him. He wanted this not to be the last of this thing they were doing. He didn’t want to go back to the politics of it, the usual business of the pack and the protector.

He kinda just… wanted Derek. Which was stupid, but it was what is was.

6 - Stiles 3 - Derek 3

It took Jackson about fifteen jokes about getting a new daddy to get Derek moving. Yeah, he was disappointed in himself too.

But Stiles - and what even was that name - was different. He was the Sheriff’s son, a good old boy from Beacon Hills, but he was also a powerful mage and the most immature asshole Derek knew outside of his own pack. Derek was drawn in by him, like magic, but it was also terrifying.

But when he saw those hunters, those very same hunters that Stiles had chased off a few weeks ago, trying to move in for some revenge… Well, he didn’t even think. He just leapt, growled at them like they couldn’t just put him down with a single bullet.

“Stay away from him,” he growled out from a suddenly fanged mouth.

So much for his fabled control. Because they were threatening Stiles, and Stiles was…

Not his. Not like pack, no matter how badly Derek wanted just that. Because Stiles had proven himself worthy, putting himself out there for Derek, risking himself to keep Derek’s pack safe. It made him special, made him worth taking note of as a potential ally. It was the humor, the flirting, the seeming fearlessness that made Stiles worth taking note of as a potential partner.

“Did the beast find himself a pet human?” Hunters were never original.

“A friend,” Derek growled. “A mage. A powerful mage. And the son of the Sheriff.”

Maybe he thought of Stiles as just another harmless human at first, as someone who needed protecting. He knew better now, knew just how dangerous Stiles could be to people who meant harm. Staying back and letting Stiles handle things was never going to be his first instinct, but having Stiles and his bag of tricks around could make such a difference in this dangerous town. They could really make a difference here.

“Skip the mating rituals,” the hunters were not impressed.

“I have Chris Argent on speed dial,” Derek warned, and somehow that worked.

Derek kept his claws out, kept up the beta shift just to be sure, but the hunters backed off Stiles and walked away. Sure, they’d be back, but Derek could handle it. Or he could let Chris do it.

“Guess we’re tied now,” Stiles turned to him, impish grin on his face.

“I’m sure we’ll have more opportunities,” Derek responded, because he knew exactly what this was. “But I’m not just going to let you win.”

This was actually a mating ritual - it was courting in the most roundabout way. And he didn’t have to doubt Stiles’ interest, because he was right there with him. They could bicker and get to know each other later, but the interest was obvious from both sides.

“Good,” Stiles stepped in closer.

“How about we go on a date that doesn’t involve violence?” Derek found himself making the first move. “Tomorrow night?”

That put him in the lead in another competition, and Stiles was already getting pouty that he hadn’t been the first to score. It was childish and overly competitive and perfect for Derek.

“I had that,” Stiles huffed. “I was going to ask you.”

Good, so at least they were definitely on the same page. And Stiles was going to say yes when he got over not being the one to ask.

“You snooze, you lose,” Derek pointed out.

“You’re terrible and I can’t believe I’m dating you,” Stiles rolled his eyes.

Okay, so maybe Stiles wasn’t over it yet, but he could work on it. His pack was going to mock him for all eternity, but Derek kind of couldn’t wait for Stiles to be a real part of his pack.

“I’m assuming that’s a yes,” Derek grinned. “Pick you up at seven.”

As Stiles huffed and puffed and groaned, Derek was the one making a perfectly-timed exit this time.

Score for Hale.

[bloodopal420]

Today, I’m 25 years old.

Quarantine has given me time to reflect on how I feel about today. I’ve never been one for birthdays (at least not my own) and although I am not afraid of dying, the idea of getting older is rarely appealing past the age of 21. More than a quarter of the way through my life, I realized that a lot of the core lessons I’m going to learn in my life, I’ve learned already. Now I am going to spend the next 3 quarters of my life growing and sharing the lessons I’ve learned in my life.

Starting now.

Here’s 25 lessons I’ve learned in my 25 years of life.

1. The only person you can change is you. Don’t waste your time trying to “fix” other people. At the end of the day if they want to change, they will.

2. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You are allowed to and have a right to feel and think the way that you do in any situation. However, this does not mean that everyone has to agree with your thoughts and feelings.

3. No one owes you anything. Not explanations, information, respect, or anything in between. And vice versa. Communication is important but if emotions and situations cause it to be impossible or just that you don’t want to interact anymore, Then so be it. But don’t expect things to go back to how they were if you choose to leave it that way.

4. To get respect you have to give respect. The golden rule applies in most areas of life. If you want people to appreciate, love and respect you, that’s the energy you have to put out.

5. Nothing is permanent. So take pictures, make memories, pick up that phone when your friend calls, go to that party when you’re invited. Don’t let fear keep you from living in the moment

6. You are not a failure for making mistakes. Everyone on the planet makes them, and a few of them are pretty damn successful. The difference between you and them, is letting mistakes defeat them.

7. Passion should always be a priority. You need to make time in your life for your passions and the things that make you happy. Self care is just as important as self-preservation.

8. Money is great, but it’s not as important as happiness. There is nothing wrong with working a job just because it pays well, but if you don’t enjoy it, it tears away at your soul. Set yourself up for financial success, but don’t risk your long term joy in the process.

9. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Yeah you need to pay your bills and act your age (sometimes), but you deserve to be happy! Take the time to listen to your favorite music, go for a walk, dance around in your room, read a good book, whatever makes you feel good.

10. Never let someone else tell you what to do with your life. Other people may have your best interests at heart but at the end of the day, this is your life. You decide what to do with it.

11. Toxic is toxic. It doesn’t matter if they are a stranger on the street yelling slurs or a blood family member that digs into you at Christmas. Relation does not excuse toxicity and abuse. You have every right to separate yourself from the people that hurt you.

12. There is a difference between criticism and hate. There will always be toxic people in the world, but true friends will call you on your shit. Know the difference between someone who loves you but is trying to give you a swift kick in the ass. And someone who kicks you when you’re down.

13. Smile. When you’re sad, mad, happy, confused, try to smile. You never know how much good will come of it. Worst thing is you feel a little better from the endorphins.

14. No one has the right to make you feel less than. You have just as much a right to be on this planet as anyone else. And you have a right to happiness, not existence.

15. There is not right and wrong when it comes to opinions and beliefs. Unless your beliefs are harmful to yourself or others, there shouldn’t be a problem with them.

16. Don’t let fear run your life. Let it guide your life. Take chances and fight your fears head on. There is nothing wrong with falling down as long as you pick yourself up back up.

17. The only person that knows your whole story, is you. Don’t live your life expecting people to automatically know why you are the way you are and expect them to respect and understand it. Instead be open about your problems and allow the people that don’t care or can’t handle it to weed themselves out.

18. Happiness is a choice. You can either wake up every morning and focus on every bad thing that happens or has happened. Or you can look ahead and see opportunities. Choose to be happy in the moments where there is a choice. So when there is no choice, you can truly let everything out.

19. Unplug sometimes. When you are unhappy and overwhelmed, remove the added stress of the barrage of social media. Even just the notifications can cause so much unneeded negativity.

20. It is ok to be alone. And it’s important to be able to be alone sometimes. Learn to reflect without a backboard, instead find healthy outlets to release your thoughts. Meditation is great but you can also do it while working out or doing other individual activities that make you happy.

21. Always share your passions with the world! Not everyone is going to share your love for things, and some people are going to hate them. But you’ll never find compatible people to walk through life with without putting yourself out there. And there are always people out there like you

22. It’s ok to cry. Being sad is part of life. And tears are the bodies way of releasing our emotions in a physical way. It’s necessary and healthy to let out your sad and negative feelings. Just find your safe place and let it out.

23. When it comes to friends, quality over quantity is always key. Try not to spend your energy on “friends” that don’t expend the same amount of energy on you. And communication and respect of values is key.

24. You are never alone in this world. People are out there that understand. You just have to find them.

25. Always remember to take care of yourself. Eat those sweets and foods you love, get out of bed in the morning and watch the sunrise, stay up late watching movies and laughing until you cry, travel when you can, make blanket forts when you can’t, let your inner child out every once in a while. But take showers and pay your bills. That’s important too.

I am finally at a point in my life where I truly see a purpose and reason for life. And I love it. I love the opportunity to wake up every morning to impact other people in a positive way.

Here’s to the next 25 years, happy birthday to me🎂

[v-hope]

You want to break up because of hate

Pairings: Kim Seokjin / Min Yoongi / Jung Hoseok / Kim Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Angst

Request: "Hi! I don't know if you're still wanting reaction ideas but I would like to request/give an idea anyway (since your writing is so goood!) An reaction where you are in a relationship but It becomes public and you are met with hate/situations with saesangs etc, and you are getting tired of it and want to break up. A fluffy ending, or just pure angst (whatever works best for you) Have a great day 💕"

A/N: I was really feeling the angst, I'm sorry 😭 I also think these are longer than usual but oh well.

Kim Seokjin

One week.

It had been one fucking week since BigHit had released an official statement about your and Jin's relationship, after a few fan taken pictures had been leaked, leaving all of you with little no choice but to make your one year relationship public.

And somehow, one week was enough for you to start questioning your whole relationship.

It wasn't really the huge amount of social media hate you were receiving, but the actual physical hate you had started to get right after the announcement had been published. You couldn't even go to the grocery store on your own at this point because you'd most probably meet a few unfriendly people who would scream in your face just how much you didn't deserve to be with their handsome Kim Seokjin. They had already managed to make you feel worthless, but you could go on with that.

Or so you thought until that night, when Jin and you were leaving the BigHit building after a meeting regarding your relationship, for a group of fans were waiting for you outside, having to rely on a few bodyguards for you to make it to the car waiting for you – but not even them could save you this time.

This time, there were not only insults being directed your way, but one fan that managed to grab your wrist and pull you out of the ‘safe space’ the bodyguards had created around you and Seokjin.

After that, everything happened too fast.

All you heard were even more screams around you as you felt your body being pushed around. It wasn't more than ten seconds before Jin and his guards took you out of there and into the car, but that was enough for your arms to be covered in scratches and your heart rate discontroled given the panic you had felt.

“Baby…” Jin looked at you apologetically.

You knew he was blaming himself right then, and you also knew it was not his fault. Yes, this was caused because of you dating him, but there was nothing he could do. However, what left your mouth was:

“I want to go home”.

He nodded rapidly. “We're going to the dorms right now”.

“No” you shook your head. “I want to go to my house” you croaked out, trying your best to hold back your tears.

“But baby, you're bleedi–”

“And I'd appreciate it if you didn't stay over” you added before he could finish his sentence.

That was all he needed for his heart to drop. And when the car stopped in front of your place minutes later and you got out of it without a word, without one last glance at least, Seokjin felt as if everything you had been through together wasn't enough for you to want to put up with all that came with being with an idol like him.

Min Yoongi

You knew dating an idol wouldn't be easy. Yoongi had warned you multiple times, because it was not only your feelings the ones at risk, but also his. He had always ran away from his feelings, for he knew his life style wasn't particularly compatible with serious relationships – but with you he found himself not being able to escape anymore, and he needed you to know what you were signing up for by agreeing to be his girlfriend.

He had told you. Over and over. And you still stated you could do this, that you wouldn't run away later and break his heart.

But you didn't think it'd be this bad.

You thought you would lose your privacy and that you could carry on with, but you hadn't really thought about the amount of hate you would receive. Much worse, you hadn't thought about how much it would actually affect you.

That was the reason you were here right now, in Yoongi's room, looking into his heartbroken eyes after the words “I think we should break up” had abandoned your lips.

“No” he shook his head in denial, breaking your heart just a little more. “No, you promised”.

“Yoongi…”

“No, Y/N. You don't get to do this now” he furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief. “You said you could deal with all of this… you… you promised” he repeated, as if that itself was enough.

You had. Which is why you felt like the shittiest person there was in the world.

“I'm sorry” you whispered, feeling like avoiding his gaze out of shame yet wanting to at least respect him enough to look him in the eye. “It's too much. It's too overwhelming and…” you took a deep breath, “I can't with all the hate, Yoongs”.

“I could help you with that if you let me!” he snapped, “I can go to BigHit and–”

“And what, Yoongi?” you laughed humorlessly. “Maybe they would be able to stop the hate I'm receiving online, but what about real life, huh? I can't go all day with bodyguards around me. I have a normal life, I have classes to attend, I…” you sighed, “I'm not an idol”.

He bit the inside of his cheek, trying his best to hold back the first tear that threatened with rolling down his face. That last statement had felt worse than a punch on the face. Because it was true, you were not an idol, and he was. How naive of him to believe two people from what, apparently to you, were two different worlds would ever work out.

It seemed like you had already made your decision on your own, was there anything he could do at this point?

“I trusted you, you know?” he shook his head one more time, going to open the door for you to get out.

You lowered your head, weakly nodding your head. “I know. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep my promise”.

Jung Hoseok

Heavy breathing was all Hoseok heard from the other end of the line as soon as he answered the phone. It was your number, so he knew it was you, but why weren't you speaking? Why were you…

“Angel?” he asked worriedly. “Are you crying?”

Then he heard a sob, making him feel a twinge in his heart.

“Y/N? What's wrong?”

“I can't do this anymore” you finally choked out – your voice being followed with harder sobs.

“You can't do what anymore?” Hoseok wondered in a weak tone, kind of knowing what it was but the idea itself being so heartbreaking he didn't even want to think about it.

“This. Us.” you explained.

“Y/N, please don't” he pleaded. “Don't do this. Not over the phone. Not when I can't be there with you to talk this out properly”.

“Don't you get it?” you laughed under your breath at how ridiculous this whole situation was. “There's nothing to talk out. I can't do this anymore, Hoseok”.

“So you already made your decision without me” his voice turned cold, breaking your heart in the process, for he never used that tone with you. “I can't believe you. I thought our relationship meant something to you. I thought I meant something to you”.

That's when you broke down even harder.

“I love you, Hobi. I love you so much b–”

“You don't” he cut you off, “because you wouldn't be doing this right now if you did”.

“They found out where I live” you finally confessed.

The line fell silent for a few seconds.

“Who did?”

“Your fans” you sniffled.

He gulped heavily, suddenly understanding what this was all about.

“They also found where I study, my work, they…”

“Baby” his voice went back to being soft.

And although hearing his familiar gentle voice when it came to you should've brought you comfort, it did quite the opposite. You were breaking his heart, you didn't deserve it.

“They know everything, Hobi. They won't leave me alone, I can't even leave my house without being harassed and…”

“Why didn't you tell me” he let out a shaky breath.

“What difference would it have made?” you bit your lip to stop it from quivering. “It would only have added stress to you–”

“And this doesn't?” he snapped. “Y/N, this is a thousand times worse. I can't… I can't lose you, please” he begged. “Let me fix this”.

“I'm sorry” he heard you sniffle one more time. “I love you, so much, and I wish things were different, but we're done. I'm moving in with my parents until this all calms down”.

Both his silence and heavy breathing let you know you were not the only one crying anymore. And, as cold hearted as it sounded, you added:

“Please make it public that we broke up so they'll leave me alone”.

Kim Namjoon

You loved Kim Namjoon. You had fallen for him like you never did for anyone else. And your feelings were actually stronger than the constant hate you had been getting from his fans ever since your relationship had became public.

You just ignored the rude comments, even got rid of some of your social media, because you couldn't even think about giving up what you had with Namjoon just because of some envious people.

The thing is, at some point it stopped being just rude comments made on the internet or even yelled at you on the streets, and turned into something way more serious.

Threats.

That's what you had been getting for a little over three weeks now.

Just like before, you had ignored them at first, but then you started receiving pictures of yourself from unknown numbers, and how could you not freak out about that?

It was simple. Either you broke up with Namjoon, or you were getting hurt.

You hadn't told him, for you didn't want him to worry. But he knew you too well not to notice something was going on with you. And when one afternoon you stood up from your spot on the sofa to go grab some water and your phone lit up with a new message, he finally understood what was going on.

“Y/N, what is this?” he asked – eyes fixed on your phone after he had picked it up to give it to you.

You didn't have to look at the text to know what it was about.

“Nams…”

“Why didn't you tell me you've been getting threats?”

You shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

“This is serious, you have to tell me these things” he furrowed his eyebrows, standing up to go to you. “I could've–”

“You could've done nothing!” you snapped, taking one step back and away from him. “There's literally nothing you or your company can do for me because they won't stop until we break up, don't you get it?”

He took a deep breath, trying to lock his eyes with yours. “Is that what you think?” he sounded almost scared of even asking, “is that what you want?”

Once again, you shrugged, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I just know I'm tired of being constantly followed and threatened. I'm tired of being scared” you admitted, speaking on the heat of the moment when you added: “And I think it'd be for the best if you left me alone for a while”.

[drennalynspast]

[ My First Relationship / First Breakup ]

Saturday, Apr. 27, 2013 - 6:31 a.m.

Today..well..13 hours ago, I experienced my first breakup.  It was from a man who happened to be my first boyfriend and first relationship.  We are both 24 years old. 

The Beginning: I met “andy” on okcupid.  I was at a point in my life where I felt sexually frustrated.  I wanted to cure an itch, at the same time I was willing to be open to the idea of trying to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship.   Okcupid allowed me to create a profile and sift through particular wants, needs and interests I had in other people who also were hopefully more compatible with me.  It was the beginning of a new year.  January 2013.  New experience.  new discoveries.  Carpe diem.

This one individual stood out to me on okcupid.  We seemed to talk so easily through chat. We eventually exchanged numbers and texted each other for a week before we decided to meet up in person at a sushi restaurant.  It was my first “real date” too.

He had a wild life in his past. He said that he matured more now.  He is in grad school: vocational rehab counseling.  He has a job and is self sufficient at paying his own bills and living on his own. He likes mmos, particularly WoW, doing outdoor activities, keeping up with sports and reading news. He was a very intellectual and introspective person. He was also atheist or agnostic.  He also believed in not wanting children which was a huge plus for me.  He was also a sexual deviant in the sense that he had tried a lot of things and was willing to try new things in the future.  I also was impressed how he was so strict on having a workout schedule and tried to keep fit and take care of his body.  

At the date we were nervous, eventually loosened up a little. We talked a lot. We had a lot of interests and similarities in preferences/morals together. He seemed too good to be true.  At some point later on during the night at my place, he asked to kiss me. I made a further to attempt to be more into and start grinding him. Obviously I was craving sex. He didn’t resist and we attempted intercourse.  He was struggling to get a full erection throughout the night since he wasn’t quite comfortable with me yet on an emotional level. 

I wasn’t bothered. We laid naked in bed and just talked throughout the endless hours of the night and attempted sex again. He left at 10:30 am in the morning. We did not sleep at all. we couldn’t sleep.  It was a passionate and exciting night.  Meeting someone for the first time and just ..yeah getting to get to have sex again from a 3 year dry spell.

After that, the next time we met, I was over at his place.  We had sex first thing (after I showered) when he saw me.  We hung out, talked, played games.  I think a week after our first date, he asked if I could be his girlfriend. I said yes.  And now, April 25th Friday, what we [didn’t] have is over.

________________________________________________________________

The Middle: We hung out, did things together:  experienced eating new foods and activities. He showed me new places, I showed him new places.  We played games together.  Even when we weren’t playing the same mmo, I still sat by next to him playing my own game and doing my own thing. In the beginning we were sexually into each other.  I guess that is like any new relationship. You just want to fuck the other person’s brains out and explore their body.  It was an exciting feeling.  He sometimes felt overwhelming where he actually wanted it way more than I could handle. I believe it was like 6-7 times of sex I had most at one day.  That doesn’t count all the blowjobs either.   I was in consistent pain.  My vagina was being stretched out more since it hasn’t been exposed to that length of dick before and I must’ve tightened up since not having sex for 3 years So yeah, I felt raw, sore, some blood here and there and I couldn’t experience keep up with him and his pleasure needs. I was fine though.  I enjoyed being around him. (though sexually frustrated I couldn’t enjoy as much)

I started nuvaring birthcontrol in February.  At the end of the first ring cycle, I began to bleed constantly. I have been bleeding for literally about 2 months straight and still have been bleeding up until now.  I think it is a side effect of the ring, but I read about how it is supposed to subside after a while since my hormones were still adjusting.  Anyway, because of the bleeding, he couldn’t access my vagina that much as far as oral or fingering.  I wouldn’t let him as much and I felt embarrassed.  I didn’t mind still having vaginal intercourse though.  He wanted his dick sucked on/ face fuck me a lot more. I felt like I was rejecting him more of his requests more often.  I think part of me was the way he just was blatant about expressing  his desires and made no effort to really try to “soften” me up to make me in the mood to where I felt aroused and wanted to do it eagerly/willingly.  I expressed my concerns about how I wish he could be more affectionate/romantic with me, and it would make it easier for me to be more willing. He then said it wasn’t in his persona to work to do that. Like he grudged having to dance around the point and put effort. 

He also started smoking pot again; he said he was going to finish it all by 4/20. He still have some leftovers, and said he was not going to buy anymore after that.  Obviously I haven’t stuck around him longer than this period to see if he lived up to his word. I was bothered that he even took up smoking pot (even if temporarily) again after his 6 month quit.  I felt like he sorta changed in the sense that when he started smoking it again, he was less productive in terms of keeping his priorities in line, going to work consistently and having a consistent workout schedule. He kind of neglected sticking to his regimen because he felt more lazy?  I think that is when I also noticed the sex to kinda, I dunno, be less than what it used to be.

Sometimes I would ask myself, am I ready to love him?, though in the back of my mind I felt some sort of distance between us as far as intimacy and affection goes.  I was passive and I was expecting him to do more for me or just be there more for me on some things.

I felt like we were still okay. We never yelled or treated each other like shit.  I wasn’t a total bitch to him nagging at him all the time.  There were some small things that bothered me, but I held it in and didn’t get on to him.  We never had any argumentative differences to where we just loathed being next to each other. It didn’t get to that point.  This Wednesday, I hung out with jack and his boyfriend. I told him my perception and feelings on how I felt my relationship was going, asking questions.  But in the end, I thought we were doing fine and nothing really got in the way of us not being together anymore.That is how I perceived things were.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The End/ Aftermath: On Friday, around 9:30 am, he texted me asking if I wanted his cock in my lil pussy during his lunch break.  I said, “yes!”.  He came over, we fucked.  After that, he left to go back to work.  We had plans to see each other again in the night.  I was going to go down to see him in Norman. I was going to spend the night and we would attend the Norman Music Festival on Saturday.   Because I work night shift, I had to sleep a little more in the afternoon before I got ready to pack etc.  It was still 6:30 pm and I was still in bed. I was still tired and trying to squeeze some extra sleep in.   I was starting to try to force myself to get up, but still lay in bed.

I heard the door open to my apartment. Andy came in.  I wasn’t expecting him to immediately come over to my place after work.  I didn’t mind and was excited to see him again. He came in my room. He immediately started talking and the words that came out of his mouth, “I’ve been doing some thinking. I need this relationship to end. “  The first thoughts that came in my mind were, what the fuck!? Huh? I asked him if he was serious. He said, “yes”.  I felt like I did something wrong. He assured me that there was nothing “wrong” on my part that was the reason.  Like there weren’t any flaws about me and that he simply said, “I still don’t feel like we are connecting.”  There was no connection between us, he came to the conclusion. He contemplated the thought about breaking up 3 weeks ago.. or a month he told me. But he kept trying to wait or felt guilty.  He finally came to the decision to end it that night with me.  He was waiting for a feeling to emerge between us, but evidently it never occurred.  He said it was for the best to end it now so we both won’t get more hurt later on when we were around longer.  He also mentioned that he felt like we were more friends and our relationship was based on the premise on sexual activity.

I feel in shock, surprised, caught completely fucking unaware he would even break up with me at this point.  I feel like in disbelief. My body felt numb, weak, and shaking.  Is this really happening? Please tell me more. Please give me more fucking answers. But he said that with situations like this, we can’t nitpick everything and pinpoint things.  When it comes to trying to develop a connection or feeling with someone, sometimes you can’t work to obtain it, to force it to arrive.  I didn’t want to lose him. I hate losing him. But I understood what he was saying. I couldn’t force him to drag himself in this relationship further.  I couldn’t bear to bring myself to beg for him to stay.  I wish he could stay, but I couldn’t verbalize that I wanted him to toss his ideas aside and try.  Of course I suggested that if he told me he felt no feelings earlier, we could have tried harder. He said it would only make the relationship feel more estranged, uneasy and not go further.

I am in denial that it couldn’t work between us.  But at the same time, maybe I knew it wasn’t blossoming into something further, but I felt too complacent, too scared to lose that feeling of having someone around to just be there for me all the time.  I’m afraid of the idea of losing a regimen a consistency in my life. But am I really afraid of actually losing him,  Andy?

Most people hate being alone.  We crave affection, intimacy, not even that, but just having a consistent closeness with someone whom we can share our experiences daily.  I tell myself:  I need to make myself happy instead of relying on others to make me feel good.  I forget that a lot about myself, Andy had to remind me that night that I am my own priority.  

He was a good guy in the end.  We never said we loved each other or felt that way. I am still a novice when it comes to figuring out my feelings and emotions with someone. But I felt like that would be something that would grow more over time.  I felt like we were able to have more time to find out.   He felt like it would be better to end it now before time was wasted and nothing got better. Though,  I was still sorta peeved how just the whole Friday, he just fucked me earlier that day and then later on came back to say he wanted to break up with me.  

We had a long talk about things. He sat next to me trying to comfort me. Answer any questions or give insight about things.  There are still a lot of things I wonder about. I tell myself that there must be something wrong with me. It is my fault and I could have been the one to make things better if only I had known.  And I hate myself for not being a good enough person for him to want to keep me.  He still tried to assure me that there was nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder if he is saying that to try to spare my feelings. I also think about questions about if he is truly over his ex that he was in a 3 year relationship, and that hindered his progression with me and trying to develop feelings.

I made him delete all the naughty pics and videos of me from his phone and computer. I made sure to see that he delete them in front of me. I also deleted the stuff of his videos from my laptop as well.  He packed up his remaining stuff at my place.  We exchanged our final thoughts and words.  He gave me a couple of sweet kisses for the last time. For the first time, I realized, it seemed like he made those kisses actually mean something or have emotion in them compared to the other kisses I got in the past.  For once (in a long time), I felt an emotional kiss, but it is also painful to know those would be my last from him.   

A million thoughts race in my mind constantly. I want it to stop. I want the pain to go away.  I ask questions about what if, what could have been done differently.  My mind is struggling to accept it, to move on. Mentally I understand what is going on, but I cannot bring myself to emotionally feel at peace right now.  First day of surviving a breakup, I don’t expect things to get better overnight.  

I think about scenarios about him asking to take me back or even Andy just texting me something to see how I am doing.  I have random moments of the warm memories I had with someone. I then realize that I can no longer have that kind of memory with that person anymore.

I try to go to sleep. I wake up a couple hours later and realize,  I’m alone now.  I’m single now. I’m fucking alone with no one.  I get in a panic.  It hurts. it hurts so much.  I cry so much. It’s hard. It’s difficult trying to recover, to accept, to move on.   The knife has already penetrated my heart, but I am feeling the bleeding sucking out my life and energy ever so slowly and painfully.

I talked on the phone with my two best friends. They gave me their opinions.  Jack said how he felt like Andy wasn’t going to be the one with me, and how it probably wouldn’t have lasted long. He said how on our meeting Wednesday that I had a hint of unhappiness.  He also tried to cheer me up and encourage me that the next guy I meet, it will be better than the previous one.  

I need to stop thinking of things that I shouldn’t have done or could do to salvage the relationship. It just causes more convoluted thoughts.  Granted, maybe there were some things that could have been different or changed, but there is no definite answer. Sometimes I think if I moved too fast just jumping into the sexual activity and then subconsciously forcing a built relationship foundation to justify being constant with that.  I have no regrets on what I did. I realize that everyone is different. I hear stories about how people just fuck for while and then something grows more between them.  

Sometimes I think with my approach to sex first, I would eliminate forced feelings with someone so early.  The whole idea of holding out sex for a month and then finally having sex with someone for the first time after that then you convince yourself you are in love with them or have feelings.  But it’s just the elated feelings and excitement about the sex perhaps.  

Perhaps I will try to take a different approach and wait for the sexual activity later in the dating scene.  I now feel like I feel more intimidated when it comes to meeting new people. Will I ever meet a good guy like andy again who exhibits a lot of the qualities I am looking for?  How can I compete with an ex who has had a better connection and made someone feel like they were in complete heavenly love before? What can/should I do better?  Not only do I have to find a guy who is good to me in the sense of treating me well and being faithful, but I have to find someone who I can experience a deeper connection with and love.  This shit is hard.  I wish I could experience what love feels like but love should never be rushed.

Of course I need to try to be single for a while.  I need to heal.  It just. fucking. Hurts. Being. Rejected.  I was the first one of his exes in which he was the one to make the decision to leave the girl first.  It makes me feel like I was the inferior one in the end. I was inadequate.  He said that I exhibited several appealing qualities that were better than his exes, but he just didn’t give him a feeling of connection.  I feel so defeated. Like since I was the first one for him to breakup with it must mean something about me. I wasn’t that good enough. I feel like I was a terrible girlfriend.  But  I know I am not.  

I know that someday I will find someone better. It just sucks, not knowing, just waiting. The uncertainty. The doubt.  I will feel better about this over time. I know in the end, Andy did me a favor by backing out now before things hurt even more between us. There are no lingering feelings of animosity or grudges, just pain and hurt of being let go.

I need to be my own person, focus on myself.  Make myself be happy. I need to accept who I am. Eventually I will learn to let go.   

Goodbye Andy. Thank you for giving me my first relationship experience in life.   Thank you for letting me in your life and accepting me.  Even if it was for 4 months;  It was a good run. I have no regrets.  I'm glad that I still have respect for you in the end.