#long covid is more or less just pots

[doberbutts]

I just saw your post about how testosterone has helped your disability tremendously, which if I remember correctly is hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (but maybe I’m wrong). I’m agender and have been considering early menopause to help with my abundance of menstrual health issues, but if t helped your hEDS too that makes me really want to consider it further. If this is too private you absolutely don’t have to answer it but I’d love to know more as a fellow disabled person.

It's POTS actually :) though POTS is highly comorbid with hEDS and I *am* hypermobile, to a degree that I made my physical therapist wince with how easily I can assume positions that should noooooot be possible without pain when I was in recovery due to my car accident. She actually asked me if I have EDS and I said well I have POTS so... not officially but is it possible sure I guess.

So no, I do not have hEDS. But also yes I might have hEDS. Schroedinger's diagnosis.

No, testosterone helped my POTS symptoms disappear to almost nothing. This is at least partially because POTS does not get along with estrogen ans menstrual cycles, and taking testosterone lowered the estrogen in my body and also stopped my menstural cycle. Don't get me wrong, I still have some symptoms, but they are dramatically improved. I can do all sorts of things I used to not be able to.

There is... a bit of debate whether I have POTS at all. But I do have MCAS and, as said, I'm hypermobile, so very likely yes POTS is very likely. But with my NCAH diagnosis, it's equally possible that I *do not* have POTS, because NCAH also causes weird changes to your vasovagal response and your autonomic nervous system. In other words, do I have POTS AND NCAH... or do I just have NCAH?

Personally I don't really care because adding testosterone fixed the symptoms way better than anything the POTS meds were doing so w/e, if it works it works.

It's "makes you intersex and sometimes gay disease but also you faint a lot and your body *really* sucks at handling stress disease". To be fair the classic form of CAH can just outright kill you if not well controlled. Nonclassic CAH by comparison sometimes still tries really hard but is less likely to do more than give you some serious medical trauma.

So like. Am I fainting because my body doesn't know how to handle stress which triggers a response of my autonomic nerve and because my adrenal glands are too busy making androgens to give me some fucking cortisol to communicate with my autonomic nerve, the thing guesses wrong and I hit the ground as my body attempts the biology version of "have you turned it off and then back on again"? Or am I the unluckiest fucker on the planet and I have two annoyingly underdiagnosed but much more common than we thought disorders which both hate estrogen and make me faint a lot?

Or, bonus, since POTS joins PCOS in the "disorder named for a symptom that's not even diagnostuc criteria and no one actually knows what causes it" family, is what we're calling "POTS" actually a group of symptoms that has a wide range of causes and my cause for my own symptoms IS NCAH? Who knows 🤷‍♂️

[bratzforchris]

Make It Better

Summary: Matt's home sick and bored. What happens when you walk in on him doing pushups instead of resting?

Pairing: Matt x feminine reader

Warnings: Fluffy smut, making out while sick, vanilla sex, cowgirl, handjob, p in v, needy/pouty bottom!Matt (mostly just a short/sweet/silly smut<3)

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: There's something about Matt in this video that is just so! Fuckable! In all seriousness though, this is fiction. Maybe don't go around fucking people with COVID...Enjoy!!!

You sighed as you stirred the pot of chicken noodle soup that was currently simmering on the stove. Both Matt and Nick were home sick with COVID, and by extension, so were you and Chris. Despite knowing that you should be making Matt quarantine, you hadn’t done very well with being apart from your boy. Not only did your heart long to care for him, but Matt was a bit…whiny when he was sick. You found it rather endearing, the way he would whine and grab for things, and the way he would absolutely beg you to lay with him and cuddle him until he felt better. He claimed that the snuggles and you scratching his scalp softly with your acrylic nails was better than any amount of Dayquil. 

Just because Matt was your boyfriend wouldn’t stop you from caring for the other two triplets, though. You quickly turned off the stove and divided the soup into three bowls, placing them on a tray and starting the trek throughout the house to deliver the food to your boys. Your first stop was Chris’ room in the basement. You felt rather bad for the youngest triplet; he had never liked sleeping or even being alone, and now he was basically holed up in his room all by himself for days. 

“Knock knock!” You said cheerfully, announcing your arrival at his bedroom door. 

Chris opened his door a few moments later, looking bleary-eyed with messy hair. “Y/N?”

“I brought soup!” You explained happily. 

“I’m not the sick one,” Chris chuckled. “But thank you.”

You and Chris continued to chat for a few moments, with you making sure you kept your distance since you had been around Matt, before you spoke. “Well, I guess I should go finish playing DoorDash and make sure the toddler is alright.”

“The toddler?”

“Someone's rather whiny when he’s sick.” You snorted. 

Chris laughed as well, knowing exactly who you were referencing. After bidding the youngest triplet goodbye, you picked up your tray and headed to Nick’s room. Seeing as how the oldest was still contagious, you shot him a quick text to let him know that his food was outside. Finally, you made your way to your and Matt’s shared room with one bowl of soup left. Pushing open the door, you were met with a sight that you were not expecting at all. Matt was on the ground doing push ups, still in pajamas and vlogging the whole thing. 

“Matt!” you exclaimed, setting his bowl down on his desk. “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be resting.”

“I’m bored,” Your boy whined, sitting up and leaning against the wall. “And I need physical activity.”

“Baby, you’re sick. You need to be resting.” You said, rolling your eyes playfully and offering him your hand to stand up. 

“I took less than 100 steps yesterday. That’s sickening–” Matt groaned, being cut off by a barking cough as you helped him lay down once more. 

You pulled your boyfriend into your chest as you laid down beside him, running your nails through his fluffy, brown hair. Matt let out a content little sigh, curling into your chest and sniffling. He was rather feverish, but he was already doing loads better than he had been yesterday. At this point, he was mostly just bored and eager to do something other than watch movies, play Fortnite, and sleep, despite his pounding headache. 

You looked down at the boy resting on your chest as Matt snuck his hand between your thighs. “What are you doing?” You asked, raising a brow. 

“Nothing,” Matt said with faux innocence, blinking his glassy, blue eyes at you. “Jus’ getting comfy.”

“You need your hand between my thighs to be comfortable?”

“Mhm.” 

You rolled your eyes, pressing a kiss to the brunette’s head. “You know you’re not a good liar, sweetheart.”

Matt groaned softly, scooting his hips closer to your own as he began to rub soft circles over the fabric that covered your pussy. “‘M bored and I need that physical activity I mentioned earlier.” 

“You’re also sick. When was the last time you brushed your teeth and showered?”

Matt huffed cutely, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling with his arms crossed. “You’re being mean.”

Before he could speak again, you turned and pressed a kiss to Matt’s plump, pink lips. The boy moaned softly into the kiss, allowing you to slip your tongue into his mouth, making out with him as you moved yourself to straddle his waist. 

“You’re gonna get sick.” Matt whined softly, making no move to push you off. 

“I don’t care.” You replied in a cliché manner, a dopey smile on your face as you pulled back to look at him. 

Matt let out a soft grunt, rutting his hips up to meet your own. “I need you,” he whimpered, already arching his back against the pillows even though you hadn’t really done anything. “Gonna make me feel better.”

“You’re so whiny when you’re sick.” You tsked, running your hands along the soft skin of his abdomen to pull his white pajama shirt up and over his head.

“I am not.” he sniffled, voice gravelly from the congestion. 

“Are so.” You hummed back teasingly, leaving soft kisses on his warm tummy. 

You could feel Matt’s cock hardening beneath you, making him blush and whine as he tugged at your leggings.You pressed soft kisses to the brunette’s chest and stomach as you tugged his pajama bottoms off, smirking at the way he was already hard for you, pretty pink tip glistening with precum. Matt moaned softly as he blushed harder, letting out little coughs and sniffles as he futilely attempted to cover himself. 

“Ah ah,” You chuckled, batting his hands away. “What happened to all that ‘I need physical activity’ from earlier?” You said, pulling off your shirt and bra. 

“You’re a bully.” Matt grumbled, hissing from the combination of the way you began to stroke his cock and the sight of your now bare tits bouncing in his face as you got yourself worked up on his thigh.  

You broke the connection for a moment to slide off your leggings and already soaked panties. You continued to palm your boyfriend's cock, leaving him whimpering and moaning as you reached into the nightstand and retrieved a condom. 

“Are you sure you feel okay? We don’t have to.” You assured Matt, brushing some of the messy hair off of his forehead as he sneezed.

“I want to. It’ll make me feel better.” Matt pouted, thrusting his dick into your hand, desperate to chase his orgasm. 

“So needy.” You shook your head with a laugh, ripping open the condom and replacing your hand with the rubber on his throbbing cock. 

Your boyfriend hissed as you slid onto him, the feeling of your cunt clenching against him making him whimper. You began to ride Matt slowly, allowing his aching, feverish joints to get used to the feeling of you being on top. It was clear that illness or not, the brunette was beyond needy. He loved the feeling of you being in charge, telling him what to do and calling him a pretty boy. He was, by definition, your pillow princess, and he wouldn’t want it any other way. 

“I thought this was supposed to be physical activity for you.” You panted with a small giggle as you began to speed up your rhythm. 

Matt had a lazy, sleepy smile on his face as you rode him, every now and then letting out little whimpers and moans. “My heart rate elevates every time I look at you.” he smiled cheesily and then hissed when you hit a particularly good angle, brown, feathery curls fanning out against the silken pillow cases as he arched his back. 

Your lower stomach began to clench with the need to orgasm at your boyfriend's sensual noises. The added gravel to his voice from the sickness was just turning you on more, making you grip Matt’s shoulders shakily. 

“I’m…gonna cum.” You groaned, your pussy clenching as Matt whimpered again. 

Matt nodded, letting out loud, sexual noises as you rode him harder than you had previously. “Want you to cum with me.” he pouted, looking up at you through his lashes. 

You two really didn’t have a chance to say anything else as both of your climaxes overtook you. In spite of his incredibly sore throat, Matt was practically screaming your name as your orgasm clenched against his dick, making him fill the condom quickly. By the time you had regained your senses, your boyfriend had softened inside of you. You slid off of Matt easily, helping him pull the condom off and dispose of it in the trash can beside the bed. 

“Was that enough physical activity for you?” You asked with a sly chuckle, kissing his cheek softly. 

Matt nodded sleepily, coughing into his arm roughly. “I feel so much better now.” he said with a watery grin. 

“Do you?” You asked skeptically. 

“...well no, but now I’m content and no longer bored.” the brunette informed you matter-of-factly, his bratty, subby side still showing despite the fact that you were no longer fucking. 

“So you aren’t going to complain about sleeping and taking medicine, right?” You murmured, grabbing a pack of baby wipes off the nightstand and wiping both yourself and Matt down. 

“Medicine tastes like ass and I’ve slept so much in the past two days.”

You hummed in acknowledgement, pulling the comforter over the both of you until you shot up, just now remembering the bowl on Matt’s desk. “Fuck. Your soup’s gone cold.”

“You bought me soup?” Matt cocked his head and blew his nose, unaware that you had ‘left’ the house. 

“I made it. I made you homemade chicken noodle soup and forgot about it because you jumped my bones.” You joked. 

“You didn’t stop me,” Matt pointed out, another chesty cough escaping his mouth. “But if the soup’s already cold…round two?”

“Matthew.”

tags ♡:  @jake-and-johnnies-slut @chrissfavwh3re @suyqa @chrissturnswife @mbsbaby @herxysc-blog @lovingchrissposts @caffeinatedscorpio @spencereidenthusiast @crazychrisl0v3r @sturnioloxlver @whicked-hazlatwhore @blahbel668 @sturncakez @junnniiieee07 @biggesthat3r @sturniolowhore @patscorner @julesgrl @0strawberrysorbet0 @strombolilovr @matt444nixi @remussbitch @devthepoet1221 @mattyblover07 @loisnotaa @mollyquinnxoxo @graysturns @pepsicolapussy333 @ginswife @emmagirouard @athaliahxoxo @bitchydragonparadise @ilydeaky @soggyslugg169 @m00n-0n-paws @books0fever @stingerayyy2 @sunsetsturniolos @mimi-luvzyu @raysmayhem-72 @faygo-frog @oobleoob @billsslutt @aemrsy

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[thebibliosphere]

Hey Joy, this isn't a question so much as a way for me to convince myself I'm not a hypochondriac, lol. Lately, I've been experiencing symptoms of fatigue, brain fog or memory issues, light-headedness, etc, that are uncommon for my age (30). I have related disorders such as anemia, anxiety, & ADHD that may be contributing to these symptoms, although they seem to have gotten worse or appear more frequently now than when I was initially diagnosed with those disorders. My work allows me to read & interact with disabled people with rare diseases, so I often find similarities with their medical issues. At first, I thought this was all just burnout or something related to the lockdown during COVID. I just saw my doctor and had blood work done to check my levels, and I may have a heart condition (tachycardia, mitral valve prolapse). I've fallen asleep at work before because I can't keep my eyes open, even after a full 8 hours of sleep. I can get dizzy from standing up too fast & can't seem to be on my feet for very long without discomfort & pain (I used to work retail, how did I ever do it?). I've researched some of my symptoms and found ME/CFS and POTS as possible conditions. Do you think it's a possibility I have these, or is it just my anxiety? Thank you! (P.s. Hunger Pangs is on my tbr!)

I obviously cannot tell you with any certainty what is wrong--and I am glad you are seeing doctors about it already and may have possible answers wrt tachycardia and the mitral valve.

What I will say is that there are many types of dysautonomia, of which POTS is one, and that what you are describing sounds very familiar to me as someone with two known types of dysautonomia.

The fact that this is hampering your quality of life to the point where you fall asleep at work, are unable to stand without getting dizzy, and are experiencing chronic pain, is enough of a reason to pursue further testing for things like dysautonomia and, yes, possibly even ME/CFS though given your history of anemia, I'm inclined more toward dysautonomia because the two often go hand in hand.

Also, it is normal to feel anxiety experiencing these types of symptoms. Even if it turns out to be a symptom of your anxiety, doesn't make the experiences any less real and debilitating, and you deserve treatment that will help improve your quality and comfort of life. And there is treatment and things you can do that will make you feel better. Getting your anemia under control should be a top priority if it isn't already. Mines was allowed to go untreated for years until we found out my iron anemia was being caused by pernicious anemia (b12 deficiency), and the iron anemia I'd been plagued with since birth suddenly cleared up.

Years and years of blood transfusions and infusion treatments, and the whole time I needed b12. Who knew? Certainly not my old doctors.

Anyway. If your symptoms are at the point where you are recognizing yourself in things like POTS? It's time to pursue that with your doctor. Don't put it off because you think it's not that bad or others have it worse. Everyone deserves to feel well.

Good luck.

[m-e-and-more]

Not all #LongCovid is #myalgicEncephalomyelitis.

While its super important to raise awareness of the simularities of the #millionsMissing with #MECFS and #millionsMore with #LongC it is also essential to recognize that only a subset of #covid #longhaulers meet the criteria for a diagnosis of ME.

ME aka #ChronicFatigueSydnrome is not the same as #chronicFatigue. The defining symptom of ME / #CFS is #PostExertionalMalaise or an exhasurabtion of metabolic, neurological and immune dysfunction symptoms 24-48 hours after exertion.

When you are talking about long covid patients who experience #PEM you should talk about MECFS because that is what these patients have.

When you are talking about long covid patients be clear that only the subset with PEM have MECFS.

It is important for patients with long covid to receive the correct diagnoses, because while there are no FDA approved treatments for ME, many commorbidities do have effective medication options. Management of ME must also be tailored based on a patients commorbidities.

Patients with MECFS and post viral fatigue syndrome must not be prescribed GET or CBT. This includes all long covid patients with PEM.

Long covid patients who experience PEM should be advised to #StopRestPace and informed about the importance of pacing agressively not just to prevent symptoms from fatigue but to prevent PEM in the following days. This is regardless of whether they have PVFS (less than 6 months post covid) or MECFS (more than 6 months)

Because long covid is a broad category that encompasses patients MECFS #MCAS #fibromyalgia #POTS #dysautonomia #autoimmune and #autoinflammatory diseases in many combinations the prognosis for long covid patients is much more variable than that of ME patients and recovery is more likely in early stages of ME, long covid patients who recover should not generalize their experience onto MECFS patients more broadly and should continue to support MECFS research.

MECFS patients have decades of experience with pacing, medical gaslighting, chronic illness, housebound and bedbound life and more. We hope that #covidLonghaulers will #LearnFromME and ally with us to end #postViralIlness

[crippled-punk-guy]

I want to talk about outbreaks, poverty, and medical oppression.

I’m sure most of you are aware of long covid, the phenomenon that people who were infected with covid are having health problems they didn’t before infection that are now following them through their life. A lot of these situations have been disabling; I myself now have an extra disability tacked onto the list as well as many of my once abled friends joining me. Even my grandpa has developed a disability because of his infection. And this is something our family is not new to.

For the purpose of this story I’m going to call her aunt M. Aunt M was my grandma’s aunt, so technically my great aunt I believe. When she was a little girl she was completely able bodied like most of her immediate family. They had no known health problems that would cause anything like what happened to her. By this time polio was very well known about, vaccines were starting to be rolled out and treatments had started to become available to more people according to my uncle (her older brother). One day aunt M and her siblings go outside and find that their neighbors yard had flooded, so like a group of five kids in a small town with nothing else to do they play in the water. They had no idea that something so small would completely change the course of their little sister’s life. She ended up contracting polio, the only source anyone could think of was the standing water. As far as I’m aware no one else got sick or at the very least as sick as she did. It completely destroyed her lungs and her ability to walk, the muscles in her legs contracted and got stuck in a bent position and could hardly handle any weight. Aunt M spent the rest of her life using an oxygen machine and a power wheelchair once her family was able to save enough for one, and while you will not give her any pity because she never wanted any, I will tell her story to remind everyone of her. She shouldn’t have been disabled. She wouldn’t have lived a life of pain if not for one reason: poverty. You see the rich neighborhood a couple miles away had the resources. Any kids there were properly vaccinated and given treatments like leg braces to help them. Their family didn’t have any of that. No access to medication. No way to help her. She was very lucky that her symptoms didn’t get worse, she could’ve very easily died.

Aunt M passed away during the covid pandemics first year, it was very sudden and unexpected, we were all devastated. But part of me thinks it was slightly a blessing, a blessing that she wouldn’t have to watch her nephew go through the same thing. I was already disabled when this whole thing started, I already used a wheelchair and she knew that, I always felt a closeness to her because of it even though I hardly got to see her. But I got sick, more sick than usual, and ended up developing severe POTS. I have much less energy than I did before and that’s saying a lot, I have trouble pushing my wheelchair now because of my lung capacity and overall weakness. Hopefully soon I will be getting a power chair. And I can’t help but think of Aunt M.

I can’t help but think of all of the people like her, just innocent people who were living and then suddenly now their life is changed forever. I feel like it was easier for me because I had already accepted being disabled, sure more to worry about isn’t ideal but at least I’m no stranger to it. But think about that and think about aunt M. How a little less than a hundred years ago the same fucking thing happened.

Post polio syndrome and post covid syndrome are one in the same in a lot of ways. The effects they cause are surprisingly similar, at least in my family and experience, and it took years for people to admit post polio existed like it will for post covid. This is why it’s called a mass disabling event, people go into it relatively healthy and come out with health problems and disabilities that will never go away. The wealthier people can try out the experimental treatments and possibly be helped or cured, while the rest of us have to live with the proof that our government doesn’t know how to take care of their own people.

While POTS does effect the body differently than how polio effected their lungs and chests we need to comprehend how serious this is. Some people live with POTS and can mitigate their symptoms to the point of it barely effecting them, and some of us need to use wheelchairs because we can’t breathe or think while standing for longer than three minutes. It’s a syndrome with a wide variety of presentations and effects on patients, and it is a nervous system disorder so it may have more lasting effects than we can even think of right now.

Honestly I don’t have a point to summarize into, but just remember how the government handled polio and how it’s handled covid so far, I predict that when those of us who are young adults now are my aunt M’s age we’ll see the same fucking thing happen all over again. And we’ll sit there, with our long covid impacts and know, we haven’t learned a god damn thing.

I’ll end you with reiterating, do not hold any pity for my Aunt M, she was a very strong willed person who wouldn’t accept any amount of other people feeling bad for her, direct your emotions to the government who did this to her and us. Aunt M was healthy, she should’ve stayed healthy. Government inaction decided her fate for her.

[aropride]

oh my god . okay i havent complained abt it in a while but since december 2021 when i got covid for the first* time (*you’ll see) ive been getting dizzy/lightheaded a lot, have random coughing fits, am even more sensitive to heat (i cant breathe in hot cars Like i start choking which was already a thing bc asthma but its worse now), and have frequently almost passed out after walking around for too long or just after standing up. (idk how many times ive actually passed out bc i cant remember really but its happened at least once). at first i chalked it up to Being Out Of Exercize and then i was like wait this isnt normal. and i wasnt eating well at the time and brushed it off as that but it continued even after i started eating somewhat better (altho it was a little less bad)

anyway eventually i was like yeah i probably have long covid or smth (also have pots symptoms guessing caused by covid) but i dont have a doctor (& dont know how to get one & dont have money & dont have transportation) so i havent been officially tested for anything

but the one thing that kept me from being like yes this is definitely bc of covid is in my senior year of highschool (started in sept 2020) (a year i have very few memories from so hard to compare symptoms) i remembered always being super out of breath + dizzy + lightheaded after walking up the stairs to my classes on the second floor. like id have to stand there for a second and breathe n shit and my friend was like “thats not good u should tell ur doctor” . but yeah i was like well maybe its just asthma and im exaggerating and its always been like this

WELL. i just remembered. in february 2020 i had this really awful cold. oone of the worst id ever had. coughing my fucking lungs up, couldnt breathe well, everytthing tasted weird. it lasted abt 2 weeks. You can see where this is goingg. i literally remember my mom saying like “wouldnt it be fucked up if tbat awful cold u had a couple months ago was covid” during like may2020.

and EARLY 2020 IS WHEN MY SYMPTOMS STARTED. and they got worse for a couple months and then stayed the same and i guess i got used to it UNTIL. i got covid in dec2021.

(ID: the “newsflash asshole” meme but the guy speaking has been edited over with a stick figure wearing a mask with wide eyes. the caption reads “newsflash asshole! it’s been long covid the entire goddamn time!” end ID)

[sheathandshear]

I guess what bothers me about a lot of disability justice approaches to healthcare -- the "doctors must trust that patients are the experts of own bodies" approach -- is that this is the perspective of people with high health literacy written for audiences of people who also have high health literacy, most of whom I think truly do not grasp just how many people have extremely poor health literacy, especially those from groups who for reasons of race, class, ethnicity, immigration status, gender, and/or often a combination of these factors are less likely to have access to accurate health information and culturally competent, trustworthy healthcare providers. When it comes to health and wellness, quite a number of people in our society don't know jack about shit! Even more hold a number of factually inaccurate folk beliefs that range from unhelpful to dangerous. (Hell, even if you have a high degree of health literacy, you probably hold some unexamined false beliefs too, because that's how culture works!) It's true that people are the experts on symptoms as they feel them, but most people are not experts on what those symptoms mean in a medical sense or what can be done about them.

It's a massive blind spot and a symptom of the larger problem of Disability So Educated -- that the vast majority of disability/chronic illness advocates/activists are heard ARE experts on their bodies, because they've had to become experts, but they were able to do so because they are a) literate in English, b) medically literate, c) information literate, and d) have access to and understanding of how to navigate the internet, whereas your average person, particularly your average disabled person, is not. And if you want to create a radical healthcare system that is truly equitable and just -- as opposed to an oligarchy of the educated, i.e. what we have now -- that proposed system has to account for both EDS/MCAS/POTS patients who come in with a 4" three-ring binder of medical literature AND patients who firmly believe that ivermectin cures COVID, vaccines cause autism, co-sleeping with infants is safe, there's no difference between a rescue inhaler and preventative medication, and having an average blood sugar of 600 is perfectly healthy as long as you feel fine.

[waitingonthewind]

im making soup for my partner today and even tho its still simmering and i haven't tasted it yet, i thought i'd share the recipe because it's super helpful when you've got a cold or the flu (she's not sick atm but this is the approximation of the one i made when she had covid). i dunno how long it freezes for but i found reheating leftovers was pretty good last time and google says you can freeze chicken soup for like 4-6 months if properly stored.

this one doesn't have celery in it bc neither she nor my housemate like celery but it's easy enough to just add a stick or two if ur into that like i am. the griessnockerel is optional and you can substitute for another cup of risoni, or omit altogether if u prefer. this is one of those recipes that u can just kinda feel out and toss in whatever you've got around, which is why most ingredients don't have specific amounts

if, like me, you are autistic and hate textures and eating things, you can substitute the shredded thigh fillet chicken for cubed chicken breast

text recipe below the cut, along with a quick griessnockerel recipe oh and MAKE SuRE to stir it sometimes lol

erins sinus clearing cold soup (served hot)….?

1.5l chicken stock (i use 3 continental stock pots but liquid stock is fine) .5l water 1kg thigh chicken bone n skin in 4 carrots, chopped roughly 3 onions, chopped roughly potatoes? 1 cup risoni griessnockerl (semolina flour dumplings) salt (litol bit, already plenty in tha stock) pepper (so much) minced ginger (litol bit or a lot depending on ginger preference) minced garlic (so much) thyme (so much) chilli oilllll (so much)

steps:

fry tha chicken w a bit of garlic in cast iron or similar as above, wanna get that brown skin

put chicken aside

take the juice from the chicken, pour into large saucepan w carrot onion and more garlic, and the ginger

stir fry for like 2 minutes or less on high

put everything else in the pot EXCEPT risoni and griesnockerl. simmer on lowest heat.

hour before serving remove chicken pieces, shred with a fork, add chicken back to the soup minus bones

half hour before serving, add risoni and griessnockerl

total soup simmering time min hour and a half, all day is fine probs lmao

Griessnockerl

3.5tbsp butter (room temp)

1 medium egg

2/3 cup semolina (100grams)

1/2 tsp nutmeg

Mix ingredients together, refrigerate for at least half an hour. spoon out lumps with a teaspoon straight into the soup, cook until they float.

[mejomonster]

Fucking shocking how much physical therapy makes my gi system like 40% better (big difference that's a whole medicine dose better) for 2 days. I am trying to learn the stretches cause if they help just as much I'd be golden. Because rn physical therapy mostly does facia muscle tissue massage (I'm not sure what it's called) but it untenses my muscles somewhat so my gi system I am guessing can move a bit more easily. And I can TELL it helps because my stomach will go from hard and nausea, to squishy and I feel hunger again. And whenever I feel hunger my gi symptoms are generally less severe (more severe and more pain/nausea until eventually I can't hold food down).

I'm doing acupuncture rn too. And upon looking up if severe constipation (to point of vomiting, being unable to eat, causing exhaustion and malnourishment aka how I was for most of the past year and am only somewhat better due to a ton of very strong prescription laxatives and motility drugs) can be caused by long covid? Ding ding we have a winner, it is a possible symptom. I read a very sad case study where the kid is okay now, but their doctors didn't recognize the constipation as early as mine and so the kid got much more injured before a better treatment plan was implemented. Ultimately, the kid was put on a laxative regimen for three months (like ive been on for the past year) and eventually the kid had chinese acupuncture which gradually restored bowel function. As I'm doing acupuncture now, I hope that means I can hope for a similarly good outcome eventually.

So basically I'm really hoping I'm on some track to make progress.

In happier solid news, my POTS symptoms are significantly better. I'm like 95% where I was pre-all-this. I'm still dizzier than before if I sit or stand too long or too fast, and my heart rate jumps up from walking now instead of jogging. But I think with gradual HIIT working up to jogging and running I could get back to being able to do harder aerobics, I CAN dance again and only sometimes get dizzy and saltsticks electrolyte tablets fix it (or sodium tablets), same with fatigue days and hot days dizziness - some electrolytes/salt and I feel fairly fine. So now I'm back to maybe 90% of my normal activity level. Which is great. Fatigue was worse to me than the pain or inability to eat/use bathroom to be honest. Because pain or gi inability could put me in ER, but if I was too exhausted to help myself and advocate for myself no one helped me much if at all. So I kept ending up in ER again. Since I've had more energy I CAN GROCERY SHOP AND SHOWER in the same day! Stand and make cereal AND grocery shop in the same day! Sit up at work all day without being bedridden afterward! It makes such a difference, now I can fucking go to doctors more often with the energy to handle more visits without it wiping me out! So now I can fucking push for us working on improving my health more! When I had severe fatigue they just let me stay bedridden and exhausted and fainting and I was too exhausted to ask for more, to push them to please try something. I think some of the fatigue maybe? Was mold in the old house? Because I do feel that getting out of the old house brought my energy from a 5/10 or 6/10 on good days, to now a 8/10 or 9/10 energy most days (and now 5-6/10 are my bad days). 10 being old healthy energy level I had, 6 being I can do 1 energy taxing thing and maybe one smaller taxing thing (sit up 8 hours, lay down and play video games - or sit up 4 hours on and off, and also put gas in my car). 5 being i can do 1 taxing thing per day then need to rest (sitting up 8 hours for work, or grocery shop on a weekend) 4 being I can barely sit up for much more than 30 min-1 hour, more and I may faint, but could lay in bed and get up to check work emails and manage to not call in sick if it's a light-work day, or could lay in bed but still watch tv maybe a little bit. 2 being sleeping 12-16 hours but can sit up a small amount or walk a small amount in small durations when awake, no ability to focus. 1 being I'm sleeping and collapsing if I wake and try to get up into sitting or standing position. Most of my worse fatigue days used to be 2-3, pain tended to be 8-10/10 on worse days. Now my fatigue at worst tends to be 5-6 (so I can either work or call in sick and use that energy to prep extra meds to try and fix the fatigue/pain), and pain is much more noticeable. A bad day now means no shower or no work or no grocery shopping and no lighter hobbies like walking TV etc but i can get by okay for a day or a few like that. But the pain level is often still 8-9 about 1-3 times a week, 10/10 pain at least once a month. So yeah... fatigues getting better, which was the hardest cause doctors tendency was to assume fatigue wasn't extreme "go walk a mile in morning to wake u up" they'd say (when I was collapsing and fainting if I sat up for 1 hour and asking how the fuck to fix this so I could drive and work again) and they'd therefore do nothing and test nothing and I was too exhausted to push them to try Something new then. I had to look into POTS myself, get the energy up a bit, then ask them to look into that. Tldr basically now that it's a bit better managed, I do think at least I've got more energy to put into trying to improve the other symptoms I'm dealing with, so wooh!

[dsabian]

Never Have I Ever

A drinking game, as played by my mates and I. I'm listing our way of playing because I went out with different mates on the weekend and one of them hadn't even heard of the game and the others had incorrect rules 😝

What you'll need:

At least 2 players, the more there are the better the game. Also though the more there are the more one of you is going to have to drink, so keep that in mind.

Five shot glasses per person (can vary, see below)

Drinks of your choice. They can all be alcoholic, they can all be water or soda, they can be a mix it doesn't matter. Is it funny if the last person standing has to drink ten shots of vodka? Yes. Is it safe? No. So feel free to mix and match to suit the players. And you can always replace the final penalty with a dare or eating challenge or something if you like.

A big table for everyone to sit at & put their drinks on works best but you can manage it all sprawled on the ground as long as there are flat places for all the drinks & a big flat space in the centre.

To set up, everyone sits in a circle with five full shot glasses in front of them and their non dominant hand open so that all five fingers are up and visible.

How to play:

Everyone starts with five fingers in clear view.

Whoever starts says "Never have I ever..." and then lists sonething they HAVE done, but they think others are unlikely to have done. Eg, "Never have I ever spent a night in a cell" (don't judge me I was young and stupid and there was tequila involved).

Everyone who HAS done this, including the speaker, puts a finger down, and places one of their shot glasses in the centre of the table.

Anyone who HAS NOT done this drinks one of their shots and leaves their fingers as is.

Play continues clockwise around the circle.

How to win isn't as important as how to lose. The loser is the last person with a finger (or fingers) still up. They then have to drink the 'pot' in the centre of the table (or do the dare, or eat the banana covered in mayo, bbq sauce, mustard & raw onion. Whatever the final penalty is).

There can be a tie if several people are trying to put their final fingers down at once. You can either have a tie-breaker round or they can split the pot, all do the dare etc.

We limit it to five shot glases per person just to limit the damage we can do to ourselves, but you can start out with more (or less) if you like. If all your drinks are gone but you've still got fingers up you just keep playing as is. We had a go with a refill system but it just got too messy when the point of the individual glasses was to keep ppl from sharing germs.

We formalised how to play this because of covid. The way we used to play it involved one big jug in the middle and everyone would tip a bit of whatever they were drinking into it each time they put a finger down. Hilarious to watch someone chug a disgusting mix of beer, cider, red wine and cowboy cocksucker at the end of the game, but not very hygienic. Plus one of our group is a non-drinker and we decided to modify it to be able to include them without wasting the alcohol. This way if they lose we can all take our shot glasses back and they get the 'whatever's in the fridge that looks disgusting' penalty. Or the very memorable 'pretend to be a chicken trying to order from maccas' penalty (mind you we shot ourselves in the foot with that one because now when we play they are the only one who can put a finger down on "Never have I ever been kicked out of maccas for laying an egg at the counter").

If you've got different rules please let me know about it 😊

[misfiredmonologue]

...and the wind would blow me over

on failure, uncertainty & life after academia

22.01.24

I remember talking about The Queer Art of Failure by Jack Halberstam in a podcast over a year ago and how this undertaking felt like a failure in itself, because it spoke to me deeply, it sounded like it was about me, yet I could not voice this back to somebody who did not seem to feel it was about them as much as it was about me... And even though the person I had borrowed it from does no longer waves into my days, the book remains, waiting to be re-read. I can't wait for when enough time has passed since the start of me owning books again (my first collection drowned in a Weimar flat) for me to be able to read them again with a different eye, like one of the many forms of diaries I keep; photos and sketchbooks and notes and drawings and microscopic images... I am excited for the things I will find in them then, that I fail to see now. Is making art just making a diary? I think it is for me.

To turn it all into something that is also for being seen by others is really hard though. Like making a work, an installation, an exhibition. I am beginning to know that I only do it to make sure I find others who are nerds in similar ways to me, so the making of my own diaries can continue and so can theirs. To be less alone in this. It's not a must to not be alone, which is good, since it's a tedious process so far to find the others, with only a handful connections made out of hundreds of people I have shown thoughts and images to. The ones I find are usually life changing though.

Is art making a form of gambling only for the biggest Jackpots? That of connection outside of a very vast, surrounding greyness? Oh boy then do I love winning.

Sometimes I wonder if making a book could be the catalyst for this process of finding the others, for it's reproducibility and ability to put things very clearly and at length. I like the long version of things. To sculpt the point I am making, while leaving all the sprouting tangents I come across intact. Flower bulb with roots on all ends, eh? In 2014 made a list of all goals my teenage mind could think of that would be “awesome” to achieve. Among lesbian kisses I also wrote down the goal of writing a book someday. Sitting on my parent's couch with Covid (again), sorting through this oldest part of the diary like archive, I wrote a reply to this list now 10 years later. Writing a book was the only one that remained unchanged on this list.

R. talking about selling artwork, even (especially) as a joke seems so far from that all. A little sprout doesn't know right now how and when to grow into jokes about running a studio with assistants, collectors knocking o the door and art dealerships going into frenzy. But mostly to fantasize about having found all the keys to this illusive gatekept hierarchy without having to explain how one got there and just to dream of well funded means of making. That's too big of a flower pot for now.

If one were to would put me out into the wind in a big pot now, I would blow over. Out in the sun, I would shrivel up. Don't put me out on display fully, I wouldn't know what to do with an abundance of possibilities. I wouldn't know where to grow yet. I am like one of these houseplants one has grown themselves from a sapling that was given by a friend, for which instructions were lacking and now it grew too fast at times and not wide enough at others, leaving it with a long, thin, trunk that cannot fully support its fast growing leaves yet. I promise I won't leave the growing only to capitalism. I have done it before beautifully and I am doing it now, even if with less grace. The first years out of art school are the hardest I heard once and I cling to it, whatever that even means. It's probably a place in which it is hard to admit to still needing to be vulnerable more than ever, to not having reached a mythical kind of kickstart that leads to ongoing peaks of ultimate recognition. If anything the supposed end of a time and its structures did nothing but make me run up a hill that wasn't there, a bit faster and a bit more securely than I usually would, being so sure of myself and all the things I could do. There was a goal to reach, after all. I would lie if I said I wasn't proud that I did.

To return to the beginning of my thoughts I want to metion that I was reading Jesse Meadows' Sluggish this morning and relished in their words. They are a constant inhabitant in my list of routines, the least I should give them credit for. (I wonder if they will ever read this.) They quoted Jack Halberstam a few sentences into their newest dispatch from a slug-timed land and it triggered, combined with a cup of coffee, this new misfired monologue. In daydreams of joyful productivity I add a bunch of new crip/critical disability theory to my reading list. Only that I don't know where to look yet beyond Jack Halberstam, (whose work I don't even know well enough to say it fits this category (although here I loop back to the enjoyment of tangents (triple parentheses ftw))) and to comb the footnotes of my favourite substacks, possibly some instagram posts of Autogynophiles Anonymous and the Drunk Church podcast by cosima bee concordia and Aurora Laybourn.

The things I feed on feel more secrets these days than they did before, becaus, just like me, they seem fragile in their ability to withhold critical questioning from an audience. Especially the imagined audience of former student colleagues, who are primed academically on a particular way of defense of ones work and criticality of others. This blog is only public place I don't worry too much about writing about things I do not want to explain further.

One is that I can't stop reading about Autism and ADHD and J.'s comment that "everyone blames their problems on it nowadays even though they haven't even tried sobriety" and the excessive eye-roll accompanying it, is amongst the reasons I stay vague in describing my work (e.g. The Questionnaire, solo show SOX 2023), even though vagueness is of course also home to the strength of letting multiple things be true at the same time, that I wouldn't want to miss. Like being fascinated by the possibility of researching traits and struggles that were wrongfully and forcefully grouped under psychiatric labels, while at the same time those labels are still perpetrating the violence of the structures that enforce them. Why the artist in proximity to academia have such an aversion to the word autistic describing anyone but people whose disability they constructed to have no possibly way of relating to them, is another question for my list of ongoing inquiries. 'Everyone does that and it's not a problem' is such a daring statement to be carried on a flag by a overall relatively small group of people who are violently running as far away from what they were brought into, despite all odds, often into precarity, because of a difference in perception of the world they cannot fully explain. In a true fashion of reverse-pathologisation one could of course also ask: Why does not everyone in this violent greyness seem to agree that it is in fact a hellscape to try and run from? Is not (!) being ill and horryfied by so called normality a diagnosable problem? And why are yet so many artist in love with psychoanalysis? And then there is my obsession with plane crash analysis videos that grew into Air Traffic Communitcation recording videos. It is the even more satisfying cousin of my obsession with documentation series about ambulances and ERs. For air traffic protocols there seems to be an actual community of aviation nerds who only cater to themselves and their own language of routines and checklists. Contrary to content of the medical, which seems to be produced with the idea in mind, that emotional and exaggerated drama is more compatible with a broader audience than a systematic explanation of all procedures, examinations and rescue protocols. I hope I don't have to make myself clear about not getting enjoyment from seeing planes crash or humans suffer life-altering (or -ending) injuries. It is precisely the examination of the systems put into place to prevent them, that calm my anxious mind. It seems to be an unfortunate reality that protocols of rescue and safety would not exist without accidents they were built upon. Failure is inevitable.

[bratzforchris]

Hey! Can I ask for a request of Matt caring for you when you're sick? It can be fem or gender neutral reader, I don't mind :) I feel like he's just so soft and gentle and AHHHHH 😌 Thank you and I hope you're doing good!

Chicken Soup, M. Sturniolo

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ

Summary: In which Matt decides that the best way to help your cold is a big pot of homemade soup

Pairing: Matt x feminine reader

Warnings: None!

Word Count: 993

A/N: Thank you for request! Ya girl has COVID rn, so where is my Matt to care for me 🤨

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ

You rarely got sick. If you did, it was usually just a headache and the sniffles. Rarely were you ever sick enough to stay home from school or work, and hardly ever enough to be bed bound. Everyone was bound to get sick at some point, though, and that was how you found yourself at nine am on this particular Sunday morning. 

You blinked open your eyes, noting the pain in your limbs as you stretched out from sleeping. It took less than ten seconds of you being awake to notice something was off. Your head was pounding, your throat hurt, you were shivering with body aches, and you let out a barking cough as you yawned. Too stubborn in your ‘I don’t get sick’ mindset to get up and get some medicine, you closed your eyes and snuggled closer to Matt, who was still asleep, brown hair feathered across his pillow. 

The exhaustion from your illness kicked in, and it didn’t take you long to fall asleep again. You and your boyfriend stayed asleep for quite some time, until Matt woke up feeling too hot. As he shifted, he realized it wasn’t that he was hot, it was your cuddled frame making him feel that way. Being so in love with you, Matt was in sync with everything about you, and quickly noticed your congested sores.

“Phew,” Matt mumbled, pressing a kiss to your forehead to check your temperature. “You're burning up.” he whispered sadly. 

Luckily, the movement didn’t wake you and Matt was able to slide out of bed, pulling the covers over you. He wandered into the kitchen, making himself a bagel and looking at the clock on the microwave. You rarely ever slept past eight-thirty, which only worried him more. As if his thoughts summoned you, you appeared in the kitchen beside him when he turned, wrapped in a thick blanket, shivering and coughing.

“Oh sweetheart,” he said sadly, pulling you into a hug. “You look miserable.”

“Well good morning to you too.” You mumbled, not losing your sass in your sickness. 

“How long have you been feeling sick, babe? You’re burning.”

You didn’t protest when Matt picked you up bridal style and carried you to the couch, effortlessly laying you down against the soft cushions and then snuggling beside you. “I just woke up like this.” You whispered sadly. 

That made Matt worry, but he tried not to let the anxiety crease his face. “What are your symptoms?”

“Fever, sore throat, body pains, headache, and cough.” You rattled off sadly. 

Matt kissed your forehead with a soft ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Be right back’. He quickly stood up off the couch and went into the kitchen, digging around for things that would make you feel better. You could hear him bustling around, followed by a large crash, but you were much too tired to care. You just closed your eyes and snuggled further into your blanket, resting your throbbing head against the couch cushions. 

“I’m sorry,” Your boyfriend whispered, reentering the living room. “I dropped a glass.”

“I heard.” You croaked and coughed, opening your eyes to see Matt balancing a thermometer, medicine, your water bottle, and tea in his hands. 

Matt carefully placed the items on the coffee table, trying to be gentle. He quickly took your temperature, frowning when the thermometer read 103.2 (39.5 C). “That’s high, baby. Let’s take some medicine, okay?” 

You were too tired to do much else, so you just nodded, allowing Matt to dose you up on medicine and hand you the tea. You both continued to cuddle for the rest of the morning, despite your protests. Whenever you told your boyfriend he would get sick, Matt just responded with the cliché ‘I don’t care’. That led you to now, where you were cuddled up on Matt’s chest, coughing, while some trashy reality TV played. You had moved from the couch since this morning, and it was nearing one pm. 

Matt didn’t feel very good about letting you sit here and burn up with fever, so he gently kissed your forehead, rubbing your back. “Hey hun? Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll make you some food while you do that? It might help your aches and open your sinuses.” he explained gently, rubbing your back. 

“Not hungry.” You mumbled.

“Not even for soup?”

That seemed to help make up your mind. You trudged to the shower after Matt planted a kiss to your cheek. Once he heard the water start and you step into the shower, Matt padded to the kitchen, pulling out everything he would need for soup. Though he didn’t look like it, your boyfriend was an excellent cook. He had been taught well, and continued to carry those skills into adulthood. As he poured the noodles, chicken, and vegetables into the pot, his heart broke as he listened to your congested coughs coming from the bathroom. 

It wasn’t long before you had finished up in the shower and entered the kitchen, wrapping your arms around Matt from behind as he stirred the pot on the stove. 

“Hey baby!” he smiled, kissing your head. “Feeling better?”

“A little,” You admitted, your cheeks blushing as you sniffled. “That looks good.” You peered into the soup pot. 

“This is what my mom would do when we were kids and sick.” Matt admitted shyly, a blush dotting his nose. 

“AWWWW,” You started, then coughed. “Baby Matt.”

Your boyfriend kissed you again, before patting your ass softly. “Go lay down, hun. I’ll bring it to you when it’s ready.”

And as you cuddled up on the couch, eager for Matt’s cuddles and famous, homemade soup, you couldn’t help but to think about how lucky you were that you had a lovely, caring boyfriend. The fact that he was an excellent cook who also served as a cuddly teddy bear was an added bonus if you had ever seen one. 

[steamishot]

new year 2024

this holiday break was pretty fun, despite being sick for the majority of my time off. it was nice to have a big party that was constantly going, with all loved ones together.

i arrived back in LA on the 16th night at 10pm. my brother offered to pick me up because he had some coffee equipment he wanted to drop off at my parent's house. he was coughing in the car during the majority of the drive home. because it was like 2am EST by then and i just got off a long plane ride, my body was probably also weaker. i also thought i became "stronger" because i'm able to withstand the NYC cold so i didn't bundle up as much as i usually would - meaning, i was walking around with just a tshirt instead of sweater. i also went to their house again on monday to WFH before heading to pick my parents up at LAX, and my brother continued to cough a lot around me. anyway, i started feeling sick a week afterwards, coincidentally after my last work week. it started with having a sore throat that turned into a painful sore throat, then a full on cold with a LOT of coughing. i think it's the sickest i've been (minus covid) for the past 5-8 years and it lasted like a whole 8 days.

we spent christmas at my aunt's house. i was masked up with a sore throat, but wasn't feeling that bad yet. she cooked an amazing hot pot dinner. i gifted my cousins $25 each and wrote them a card. i was supposed to pick matt up from the airport that night (he was scheduled to arrive at 12:30am, but ended up arriving an hour earlier due to it being christmas/less crowds). he asked his brother to get him instead so i could rest.

that week, i progressively got worse. we were supposed to go to hot yoga and rescheduled it 3x, but ended up not going at all. on thursday, i went to LAX to pick up my auntie and uncle who were visiting from dallas. i was coughing basically the entire drive back. my aunt is a feisty/funny one with good fashion sense and her man is a white former policeman. we got khmer noodles in chinatown. i gave up my room for them to stay in. that night, i drove over to matt's place to sleep. his dad recently got a new tempurpedic mattress and duvet, and it's now like sleeping on a cloud (big upgrade from the previous spring mattress). his family gave me some antiobiotics and matt made me some hot lemon ginger tea.

friday morning, we were supposed to all head out to indio airbnb for a big family gathering (14ppl + baby). like our previous trip maybe 5 years ago, there was some drama about people not wanting to go or being on the fence about going. it was last minute that my grandma and uncle S decided to join. then even more last minute, uncle M decided to back out. then last last minute, uncle M decided to join again. so, we successfully got everyone out there lol. i was feeling really crappy this morning and almost didn't want to go. but i felt hopeful that taking antibiotics would help. we all met at my parent's house and departed from there - 3 cars total. the airbnb had 6 rooms and everyone got to sleep comfortably on a bed. there was a pool table, grill, jacuzzi/heated pool, and game room so everyone was pretty entertained. i was in and out of resting but it was really nice to have everyone around. the next morning, we took some fun group photos outside and it's a time i'll cherish forever. it's not easy to get the family together like this.

i spent that night and the next day at matt's again. with my family, it was about chilling and having fun. with his family, it's all about work/planning lol. his parents talked to me about planning a trip to japan, and also about a trip to vegas next week when matt's in town again. i let them know that japan is a bit far for us to fly out to from NYC (16 hours) and to wait until matt's job prospects are clearer. it would make sense to go once he has more than a week off at a time. for NYE dinner, we had bbq steak and skewers. i was still feeling sick but on the path to recovery by this time. that night, we retired early around 10pm because i had to drop matt off at LAX at 5am for an early flight back to NYC.

i spent more time with my aunt on her last days here. it took some time for us to warm up to each other, but it's always nice to spot some similarities within the family. she has a very feminine, aggressive strength that i admire. we went thrift shopping together and she helped pick out an elegant simple black helmut lang dress for me. i put on home alone 2 to watch together with her and my mom. i missed her after she left.

SS invited me to a classpass workout on 1/2 but we decided to reschedule for next time. even though we didn't get to meet, i appreciated the thought. i had the goal of running 2 miles multiple times a week and was successful up until the point where i got sick. i haven't done any workouts in the last 10 or so days. SZ will come over later for a baby workout.

therapy: i had my first video session with monica today. i felt a little awkward at first. she looked older than i thought she was (based off of her grad year, she's supposed to be around my age). i felt more closed off with the video on than on our previous phone call. i also noticed that i feel self conscious if i see her eyes looking elsewhere (thinking am i boring you, am i communicating well enough, are you listening, etc) and i share less when this happens. anyway, this session was OK. we had both come back from holiday mode. i had a generally great week and a half or so, so it didn't feel good to resurface my issues that i temporarily forgot about or to rehearse/explain them to someone else. it was like "here's reality again". or even worse, it felt like i was listing out all my problems, which takes even more effort for someone who doesn't already know me/my life. and also a bit more effort to explain the realities of a medical career. she asked a lot of questions, and had more questions after each of my answers without much feedback. i honestly felt worse after this session. i questioned if my issues are severe enough to warrant therapy or if it's more beneficial to chat with friends about it for support. anyway, i have another session with her next wednesday - we'll see how it goes. perhaps it's not a good fit, or this is just part of the process.

babysitting: my brother and SIL have been really really dependent upon my parents for babysitting. my SIL grew up rich and always had this mentality that she's the boss/can order other people around. she has a lot of tact so can get by with it. my parents (mostly dad) really missed my niece during their 3 week cruise, so they were happy to babysit her when they came back. the daycare was also closed for the holidays for a week. however, they're still really tired, from their own duties/chores, running businesses, entertaining visitors, meeting friends, etc. yesterday, my SIL received news that the daycare will be closed for the next two weeks due to personal issues - which means more work for my parents. though they are technically happy to babysit their grandbaby, it can also be extremely exhausting. my niece is also getting to be really spoiled because everyone dotes on her. today, my parents decided to start letting her be diaper-less. my dad spanked her for the first time ever twice today, like really hard, because she peed her pants after having the chance to pee on the toilet. he was only ever loving/doting/accommodating to her since she was born so it was shocking to finally see this discipline. i don't know how i feel about spanking.

[alpaca-clouds]

NaNoWriMo Day 5

I had to skip NaNo yesterday, because by the looks of it I got COVID again, just like last year around this time. And yesterday I just slept through most of the day. Really most of it. So, no writing happened yesterday.

Today, too, I have to stop in the middle of a chapter, which I usually don't like. But I am still trying to figure out a bit how the action in the next chapter is going to go. Because yeah, there is gonna be action.

Wordcount: 23 300 / 50 000 (+4696)

Chapters: 10.5 / 23

Favorite Bits

“How did you sleep?” Astarion inquired. “Fairly good, as always,” Tav said. “I took longer than you to fall asleep, though.” He sighed and Astarion knew quite well, why. “You were thinking about those drow.” “Yes, of course. If anything… I hope we can go there next night and find out who is behind it.” “And get the drow I saw out of it, I assume.” “Yes, that was the plan.” Another sigh came over the bard’s lips. “I need to go tell Karlach, Wyll and Shadowheart. I think depending on what we are dealing with…” “Come on, it cannot be worse than anything what we dealt with before.” “Even the mightiest paladin might get slayed by a single kobold if he becomes too haughty.” “Oh please, keep those pearls of wisdom to yourself,” Astarion muttered, though he did so with a grin. “I am just saying, that even after everything we need to be careful. Not get haughty. Not be mindless.” At this Astarion could not help a chuckle. “May I remind you, Tav, darling, that it tends to be you who usually runs into danger without a second thought – at least when it comes to saving people? I have stopped counting how many times we needed to save your sorry ass.” “I am trying to learn,” Tav replied. “Trying to be more patient.”

There was this one thing, that was driving him about as insane as the memory of his former sire. A thing, that interwove with said memory often enough. The one thing, he did not really understand and was afraid to question. But even now he did not understand what Tav actually liked about him. Because Tav was this silly, heroic man, who wanted to save everyone. Literally everyone. Of course, Tav had been very receptive towards his flirtation back then. But at the time Astarion had assumed, that for the most part, this man was just a bard, who was thinking with his sexual organs rather than anything else. He had not questioned it too much, because it was just how he had expected things to go. His calculation had been to seduce the man and get his protection in return – especially as everyone else somehow was listening to that idiot. What he had not expected was for this man to actually care about him – and even less to actually start caring about him in return. But why? Why was this idiot like that? Why had he been there for those last seven months? No matter how horrible Astarion had been. Did that idiot really care about him, or…

“You just needed to say something,” Wyll muttered. “We could have brought food. Something proper.” ���Really, Wyll,” Shadowheart noted, “you know Tav – and Astarion. What did you expect from those two.” Karlach chuckled. “You are being mean, sweetheart.” “No, I am being honest. You were not there that first night before we found you guys. Tav tried to cook. He tried.” Kantei started laughing. “He is not that bad.” “He just randomly threw stuff into one pot and expected it to magically turn into stew!” “Well, he probably didn’t have cheese,” Aarton observed. “He is pretty good as long as he can put cheese into everything.” “That is not what I would consider good,” Shadowheart muttered – and just a bit, Astarion had to agree with her. “Weren’t you a follower of Shar?” Lakrissa said. “I mean, isn’t Shar all about the ‘absence of things’? I cannot imagine followers of Shar to eat well. True beauty probably lies in the absence of flavor or something.” This got Shadowheart to blush just a little. “Well, we at least had proper stews.”

(And yes, there is a whole chapter of twelve characters just ripping into each other.)

[lunarflare64]

This isn't gonna be a pretty vent under the cut. We basically dump 10 years of medical neglect and describe how our medical issues came to be what they are now in graphic detail, mind the tags, its kinda gross at some points

In a few months it will officially be ten years of chronic illness and pain. The idea of it is suddenly making us really upset. Ten years of doctors ignoring us, no one thinking to do medical testing on the kid who couldnt stay awake for more than five minutes at a time. No one questioning why that kid disappeared for an entire school day after a morning class made them walk long a really long distance in Australian summer heat. No one checking when they heard a person throwing up in one of the bathroom stalls and never leaving, unaware of the possibility of an unconscious teenager being in there. Everyone yelling at us and calling us lazy and punishing us, the conditions we were forced to accept when we dropped out for the sake of our mental health, and the slowly building up exhaustion and mental breakdown that followed because those conditions where the same things we wanted to escape when we dropped out. Throwing up and almost passing out and throwing up again and almost passing out again after every shower for all of our teenage years and then some more after that. Pain and cramps and lightheadedness and being pushed to our limits just standing in one place, moving out and finally being free mentally, but physically being worse. Mess and mould building up because we we're too exhausted to clean. Ditching the stove mid-cooking to run and throw up and try to avoid passing out. Overdoing it with baking and being too exhausted to give the finished products to the people we made them for until two days later. Trying to mass clean the kitchen with a rare burst of energy and not even being half way through before we were too nauseous and in pain and lightheaded to do anything but lay on the ground and cry. Having a shower episode so bad that we could only lay on the floor with our face in our own vomit as we continued to throw up, shaking with completely black vision. Walking getting slower and less balanced and certain, using an umbrella as a cane for months. Our first fall, and our legs refusing to hold our weight for a week straight before we caved and bought our first crutches. Getting heart palpitations so bad we went to the ER once, twice, three times, and then it was happening twice a month. That one time palpitations jumped us right into hyperventilation and we had to call an ambulance. Being in the ER for choking on meds and then just as they were about to release us we had a major palpitation episode and they kept us overnight. Walking through the back of the clinic after an appointment with our councillor and our knee suddenly loosing all feeling and forcing us to catch ourselves fully on our crutches yelling. Xrays showing nothing, MRIs showing nothing, labs showing nothing, echocardiograms showing nothing, but ECGs showing mild signs of something we already knew and yet the cardiologist refused to do the specific tests to that condition. The rheumatologist finding nothing and dismissing us as a lazy pill-seeker with severe deconditioning. We have so many suspicions about what's going on, some stuff we're fully certain about like the POTS, and others things that we suspected for a long time before doctors dismissals and refusals to test made us dismiss them too, and now they're all coming back to haunt us. ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia being the main two.

In a way we're kinda lucky, back when we first thought we had those the research and general awareness about them was garbage, but then covid happened and the population dealing with ME/CFS sky-rocketed and awareness actually exists now.

We read the ME ICC primer today. There's sections on how it appears in teenagers in there.

If someone had thought to look, if someone had thought to care, to tell us what we were going through wasn’t normal, how much of the past ten years wouldn't have happened? Would we be part of the high number of teenagers who fully recover with treatment? Or would our schooling have been managed properly, with people not pushing us to overdo it, not putting pressure on us to stay awake, would we have been able to recover enough to start treating our depression sooner? Would our suicide plan have become unnecessary?

How much more medical neglect will we have to deal with before we're actually diagnosed for the first time with an actual physical medical condition?

[atypicalbipolar]

Well that didn't last long. Saying "day three" feels disingenuous but I don't like going out of order.

Twitter's in a bit of a downfall. I have a main account and this account there. So I don't know what I'm going to do but I don't want to abandon it. Found a lot of community. But it feels hollow whenever I tweet. A void.

I have main on bluesky and am trying this less segmented thing - basically more disability talk, vague medical stuff but nothing bipolar explicit. I don't think anyone knows which twitter alternative will take off. mastodon was flash in the pan. Maybe bluesky, will stay like twitter enough as actual "X" is in free fall.

Speaking of medical stuff... 1) I got Covid end of last year and freaked out. Went to the clinic in February and got a normal EKG. They didn't care about the Covid, but I called about a high heart rate and that made them pay attention 🙄

3) they checked my TSH and it was 3 so Perfectly normal for someone who had been borderline 5 earlier...

4) Earlier this month I ask for another TSH thinking it had been a year - forgot about February. 4b) I was worried about something else when I requested the labs.

5) in less than a year I went from 4.5 to 0. And that meant a return trip to make sure it wasn't a glitch, and then a bunch of secondary tests. Looking forward to that bill!

6) maybe it's lithium induced but they don't know for sure so I'm still taking it. Which is good because I DON'T HAVE A PSYCHIATRIST. I get to schedule an ultrasound and get an endocrinology appointment set up.

7) hyperthyroidism could explain the high heart rate except I'm just normally elevated and it was before my TSH tanked. I don't have Pots level though.