#looking back on even the small things that annoyed me about it with that lens has made me much more critical about HP overall

[frostiifae]

tag commentary on posts is fun because i can change my mind whenever i want and only my mutuals would ever tell on me. and you wouldnt do that to me would you guys 🥺

[dira333]

We balance each other out - Leonard Bones McCoy x reader

tagging @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse​ because she’s still the best star trek writer out there; you don’t have to read this, I just like to take every chance I get to compliment you.

Warning: childbirth is messy - some curse words

This is a repost from my AO3 account. 

„Well, let’s get going, Bones,“ Jim claps him on the back and darts past you towards the car, „Don’t want to get stuck in traffic on our way back.“

„Don’t say that!“ Bones snaps and helps you down the few steps, „I’m already anxious enough with you driving us back as it is.“

„Don’t snap at him,“ you tell your husband off, „He’s trying to be nice…“

He grumbles, but stays quiet and helps you into the car.

„Are you comfortable?“ He asks and drapes a blanket on your lap before checking that you have a bottle of water with you.

You show him the bottle with a smile. „Relax, Len. It’s just a baby, not a deathly disease. It’s going to be alright. I can already breathe a lot better than I did yesterday.“

He still looks concerned.

„That could be the stage of lightening. Let me check if the baby has moved.“

You stop him before he can pull out his own, very special first-aid-kit.

„It’s fine, Len. The baby is due in about a week. Not today, not tomorrow. Jim will drive safe, we will stop every hour so I can pee and in about five hours we will be back in the City.“

„I should have never let you persuade me to come and stay at this farm house in the first place,“ he complains and gets into the passenger seat.

Jim doesn’t even wait for him to put his seat belt on, just pushes down the gas pedal and speeds out of the driveway, spraying gravel into the forest.

„Dammit, Jim, are you trying to kill us?“

„Just making up for the time we lost because of your loitering.“

"She’s pregnant, you-”

“Relax!”, you interrupt your husband and put your hands on his shoulders, “Everything will be fine. Jim will behave from now on and before you try to pick another fight, do I have to remind you that it was you who wanted to get out of the city for our shore leave? How did you bribe us again?”

“Fresh air, good food, and beautiful nature,” Jim piped up and grinned back at you.

You rolled your eyes at him.

A five long hour drive is a very long time, especially if you have to sit in a car with Jim Kirk, the Captain that can never sit still and Doctor Leonard McCoy, the doctor who loves to complain.

The fact you were in the last stage of your pregnancy made things considerably harder to endure.

You had promised that you would only need toilet stops ever hour - just like on the drive to the little farm house two weeks ago - but your bladder and your baby didn’t want to hold onto that promise. After hour two passed you had to ask for the fifth stop and Jim wasn’t the only annoyed one in the car.

“Do you really have to pee that often?” He asks and leaves the highway.

“What else do you think I do in there?” You snap and wiggle around in your seat. The pressure in your bladder is almost unbearable now.

“I don’t know! Can’t you just take a bottle-”

“JIM!” Bones shouts, “I’m not letting my wife pee in a damn bottle!”

Jim growls in annoyance and halts in front of a small roadhouse.

“Take your time, M'lady,” he jokes almost bitterly and you flip him off before wobbling out of the car.

Being pregnant is hard. Beautiful, sometimes at least, but also hard.

The sickness in the first trimester, then the heart burns and the fact that none of the clothes ever fit - thank god for replicators - the kicking and the pressure on the bladder, diarrhea and the-

“Fuck!” You mumble and look down at your panties. There’s a bloody-brown tinted spot on the white fabric and everything makes sense.

The sensation of being able to breathe easier had been indeed a sign. The Baby had moved while you slept, its head dropped down into your pelvis in preparation for delivery. Which explained why you had to pee so often, it was pressing on your bladder even more than usual.

And now the bloody show - the little one was on her way.

“Come one,” you let your hands move over your belly in a soothing manner, “Don’t be impatient. If you wait a few more hours daddy will be more than happy to get you out of me, okay?”

“Have you decided on a name yet?” Jim asks when you get back in the car, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

“Yes.” “No,” You disagree with your husband and Jim smirks.

“Who’s honest now?”

“I am,” you say, leaning back in the seat, “I’m saying Penelope or Georgie, something that sounds like a southern Belle. And Len here wants weird names like Lora or Harper.”

“I like Penelope,” Jim smiles at you in the rearview mirror, “You can shorten it to Poppy.”

“A name is not supposed to be shortened,” Bones growls and you pat his shoulder.

“Whatever you say, Len, whatever you say.”

Hour three is coming to a close. You’ve stopped another three times because of your bladder, but Jim has kept quiet every time, while your husband throws you one worried glance after the other.

You could tell him what you’ve found out, but you’re a nurse and a woman who knows her body and you’ve decided that you can deal with this a bit longer if it means he’s going to stay calm during the drive.

And then the traffic slows down.

The highway is packed with cars who all drive into one direction.

First with a slow, but persistent speed, but then it drops to a nerve-wracking stop and go.

And then nothing.

“This can’t be happening,” Len mumbles, dread in his voice. He’s clutching the dashboard, his knuckles turning white, “This can’t be happening.”

You want to tell him to relax, that you will get out of this soon, but a cramp works its way through your body and you have to press your mouth shut to keep yourself from making a surprised noise.

It feels a tiny little bit like a strong hiccup but accompanied with all the other symptoms you’ve had throughout this day you know it’s a contraction.

Nothing to worry about, you tell yourself, as long as they are irregular and as long as my water hasn’t broken yet, I will be fine. Just a few more hours until we’re in the city.

“Are you okay?”

Jim’s voice snaps you out of the chaos in your head. You smile at him and move forward carefully, pushing your hands through Lens’ hair, calming him down.

“It’s just a traffic jam. Nothing big. It will clear soon.”

“I hope so,” he grumbles, “Do you want to get out and walk a bit? Your legs must be stiff.”

“No, I’m fine,” you decline quickly. The physical movement might stimulate the muscles and prepare for contractions and right now that’s the last thing you want.

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m just going to relax in my seat a bit. But if you want to, take a break, walk around the car for a bit. I’m gonna watch your back.”

You manage to wink at him and he smiles.

“You’re watching my back?” He jokes.

“Gross,” Jim complains, “You’re about to be parents. No sexy talk when the kids can hear you.”

“Oh, shut up,” you mumble and close your eyes for a moment.

You can hear the car door opening, Len groaning, the cracking of his joints when he stretches.

“Damn, you’re old,” Jim jokes from across the car.

“Shut up,” Len snaps and you smile.

Until another contraction hits.

You keep your eyes on the two men in front of the car while you breathe in and out, timing the contractions.

They are arguing, as far as you can tell with the doors closed and the windows up. You don’t hear a thing and you’re thankful for that.

“I’m sorry, Darling,” Len mumbles when he gets back into the car, “I’m afraid we will be here a bit longer.”

You can see that he tries to be calm for your sake.

“Looks like you will need to pee in a bottle after all,” Jim says and slips back into his seat.

“Dammit Jim,” Len grunts, “Where are your manners?”

“Back at the farm,” Jim quips, “I’m just being honest here, okay.”

You want to say something back at that, want to interrupt the fight that is going to start between them any moment now, but there is yet another contraction and a growing wetness between your legs.

“Fuck!” You say instead. “You don’t need to worry about peeing anymore, Jim.”

“What?!” He turns around to stare at you, “Don’t tell me you peed in the car.”

“I didn’t pee. The membranes of the amniotic sac ruptured.”

“WHAT?!” Len yells, while Jim just stares at you in confusion.

“Can you say that in English?”

“Her water broke, you absolute fool!”

“What?” Jim asks again and you groan out in anger.

“The baby,” you tell him, “It’s coming.”

“Now?!” Jim pales visibly, “It can’t come now! We’re stuck in a traffic jam in the middle of nowhere!”

“We know that!” You and Len yell at him in unison.

Another contraction hits you and you groan in pain.

Len’s in Doctor-mode immediately, jumping out of the car and pulling your door open.

“How bad are the contractions? How often do they come?”

“Every five to seven minutes. I’d give it a 3 to 4 on the pain scale.”

“That’s not that bad, is it?” Jim asks weakly and you glare at him.

“I can inflict the same pain on you if you want to know how bad it is,” you threaten him and he holds his hands up in defeat.

“I’m going to… uh… call the others. See if they know anything.”

“Right!” Len gnarls at him, “Make yourself useful for once!”

Half an hour later Jim returns.

You’re a mess, a sweating, groaning mess on the backseat, crying out in pain whenever a contraction hits, clutching on the anything that can give you at least a little support.

“I’ve got bad news,” he greets, “Cause of the traffic jam is an accident. They reckon that up to twenty people are injured and there’s been some serious damage. They’re redirecting traffic, but there only some smaller routes open and they estimate that we will have to wait at least two hours before we can get off the highway at least.”

“Two hours?” Len snaps, “Two frickin’ hours? This is a car! On a highway! And my wife is going into labor! I can’t deliver a baby in the middle of a frickin’ highway! Do you know how dirty this is? The risk of infection? Do you?! We need to get her to a hospital immediately!”

“I tried!” Jim yells out, “But they’re still treating the injured up north! There’s no one available for at least an hour! You’re a doctor!”

“I’m a-” Len sighs in exasperation and returns to your side, cooling your head with a wet wipe.

“Everything will be okay,” you tell him with a weak smile, “’s not gonna be the first baby that’s born in a car and it’s probably not going to be the last.”

“You’re not supposed to calm me down,” Len mutters bitterly and you start to laugh but it catches in your throat when another contraction hits.

“Jim!” You yell out when it passes, “Where’s Scotty?”

He looks at you like you’ve gone mad. Maybe you have.

“What?”

“Where’s Scotty? He and Chekov stayed in a house near ours, right? They might be close. Get him on the phone with Len.”

“Darling, he’s an engineer, not a doctor,” Len reminds you and you snort.

“I know that, but firstly I’d like him around, secondly he might have tools with him that we can use and thirdly could he stay with us while Chekov and Jim walk to the next roadhouse to get us some water and towels.”

“How can you stay calm in this?” Len asks in exasperation, “I’m the doctor, I’m supposed to be the calm one.”

“Well, I’m your wife, I’m supposed to be balancing you out.”

“You stay here,” Len tells Jim when he gets out of the car, “You time the contractions, you hold her hand and you keep an eye on her cervix. Don’t let her push until it’s properly dilated.”

“What?” Jim asks with a high voice.

“Don’t listen to him,’” You tell him, “I’m not letting you look at my cervix anyway.”

“What the hell is a cervix?” Jim grumbles and slips into the car, crouching into the small space between the backseat and the front seat.

“Do you really want to- agh”, you stop, gnarl and push down on his hand until you can hear him curse and feel the pain subside, “Know?”

You don’t know how long it takes Scotty to pack his things and get to you. You’ve lost track of time as the contractions have been getting more painful and Len’s looks have been getting more worried.

But then he’s here and you’re so glad to see his friendly face that it doesn’t matter how much you’re hurting and how gross childbirth is.

“Aye, lass, I heard ya need me?”

Scotty slips into the front seat and holds out a little juice box for you, puts the straw carefully between your lips.

You take one delicious sip of the juice.

“Is that grape juice?” You ask, taking another eager sip.

A smiling face framed by curly hair pushes past the passenger seat.

“It is your favorite, right?” Pavel asks and holds up a plastic bag filled with water bottles, paper towels, and more juice boxes.

“You’re a literal angel,” you mumble, “Both of you.”

“Well thank you,” Jim mumbles from the floor, “It’s not like I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, letting you crush my hand.”

“Get out of there,” Len orders before you can say something, “Sanitize your hands and help me. Darling, it’s time for you to push.”

“I don’t think I have it in me,” you murmur weakly.

“Yes you do,” Len’s voice is thick with worry and laced with determination, “Listen to me, darling, we’ve got so far already, you’re not giving up now. You’re supposed to balance me out, right?”

“Oh fuck you,” you tell him, “The next time you bear the child and then we talk about this again.”

Scotty chuckles next to you and a warm hand slip into yours, the pressure comforting.

“We can do zat together,” Pavel tells you.

“So far every child has come out,” Scotty assures you, “All you have to do is help it a little. Have you decided on the name yet?”

“No,” says Len while you say “Yes.”

“It’s going to be a Poppy,” Jim intervenes and steps next to his friend.

“What do I have to do?”

Delivering a child in the middle of a traffic jam is something that attracts people.

Not that you have the time to worry about that. Or the energy.

But you notice Pavel slipping out of the car more than once and when he comes back he mumbles about nosy people under his breath.

And then there’s Jim’s voice, loud and clear and horrified, cutting through the pain and the dullness of your mind.

“Fuck! What is that?!”

“That’s the head, you moron!” Len snaps, squeezing your knee in reassurance, “You’re doing fine, darling.”

You try to look at him, but Jim catches your attention instead, his face ghostly pale, his eyes rolling backward in a way that makes you sick. And then he faints, just like a lady in the good old times.

“Seriously?” Len says and looks down at his friend, before focusing again, “Chekov, out of the car, check if the idiot hurt himself and then help me. We need to deliver a baby before we can help the baby that is the Captain.”

You’ve lost track of time.

You’ve lost track of up and down, can’t tell if there’s someone touching you or if you’re imagining it instead.

And then there’s a loud cry, Scotty mumbles something into your ear and a warm and heavy and wriggling body is put into the embrace of your arms.

“Congratulations,” Len says with a thick voice, “You’ve done it, Darling. And she does look like a Penelope.”

You look down at the little girl that’s wailing in your arms. She’s a wrinkly red-faced mess with a surprisingly loud voice.

“Impatient and stubborn like her dad,” you mumble and touch the curled up lip with your finger tips, “Couldn’t have waited another day.”

“Well at least she’s got your looks,” Jim jokes weakly from his place on the floor next to the car and sends you a soft smile.

“We will see about that,” you say and look around at all the smiling faces of your friends. A tear escapes Len’s eye and you reach out your hand to gently wipe it away.

“Now, now,” You say, “Don’t get all emotional on me here. We have to balance each other out, right?”

He clears his throat with a smile. “Right.”

[tomholland1996simp]

I loved your “we gotta go” imagine when the reader pranked Tom. I was wondering if you could do the “starting an argument then flashing my boyfriend prank”. Thank you love your work xxx

Flashing || Tom Holland

Summary: You do the ‘Starting an argument, then flashing my boyfriend’ prank on your lovely and stressed boyfriend, Tom.

I haven’t proof read this, so sorry if there’s mistakes.

You and your boyfriend always had an on going prank war. Even before you started dating, you both pranked each other here and there, making sure t record one another’s reactions. You both started off as being roommates, just you and him. At first you just walked passed each other, not wanting to get to know one another, not even trying to make a small conversation, with a ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’.

But one day you both just clicked. Then you wouldn’t ever leave each others sides. Where ever Tom was, you was. Well except for when he went off filming, sometimes you went with him, however other times you had to work as well. At first you and Tom were blind, you both denied your love for each other. Until one rainy day, when you missed his company, missed annoying him every morning, you told him.

And that’s what brings you here today. 2 years you have been dating, and you have known him for 5 years. Living with Tom has its perks, you were always with him when he was in Kingston and you always had his dog Tessa.

“Hey guys, I hope your all doing well. I don’t know why, but everyone has been asking for me to do videos of me starting an argument with Tommy then doing something random. A few weeks ago Tom had done a prank on me, however that back fired.” You chuckle, holding the camera in your right hand, looking through the lens. It’s true sometimes the pranks could go so wrong, but then they could go right.

Last time Tom pranked you and it back fired on him, it was really funny. “Today I’m going to be starting an argument with Tom and then flashing him. He’s currently on a meeting call, and today i’ve been acting moody. So he was like “why you being moody today?”

“I have to make sure that i’m not in the frame and that you can see his clear reaction to me flashing him. I don’t know what to argue about, i’ll have to think of something.” You pause the camera, walking into the kitchen to set it up on the counter. You hid it by a plant pot, hoping your super hot boyfriend won’t see it.

You threw some more dirty dishes into the sink, it being the only thing you could think of to make a stupid argument. The camera is rolling now, you place a finger on your lips, signing that Tom was coming.

“Tom are you gonna help me?—You said you do the dishes and you didn’t do them.” You call out, rattling the dishes as you hear his tired foot steps.

“Oh my goshhh! Im so stressed. Can I get a hug? I need love..” He tiredly smiles, Tom loved physical touch when he was stressed, you always calmed him.

Tom walked over to you, extending his arms out for you to fall into. You move away from him turning off the tap, his arms falling with a frown on his face. “No can you just do the dishes”

“Can I get no love?” He chuckles, thinking your messing around. You sigh, giving him a quick hug, patting his back like he was a friend. “There’s your hug, now do the dishes.”

Tom kissed your bare shoulder, “I’ve been in meetings all day, i’ve missed you” holding onto you still as you pull away.

“Okay now do the dishes” Now this makes Tom confused, his eyebrows raising up as he looks into the sink. “There’s three dishes, babe” He tells you placing a hand on your waist, all he wanted to do is get love from his beautiful girlfriend.

“Okay but why do I always have to do your dishes?!” You snap a little, trying to sound annoyed.

“I told you i’m stressed out, and this is how you’re gonna treat me?” He still spoke in a soft tone, gesturing to the dirty dishes in the sink. “I’ll do them”

“Okay then do them”

“I’ve been on a meeting since 7 a.m. How’s I supposed to do them?” Tom chuckles, running his hands through his loose curls. “Well you could’ve woke up earlier to do-“

“Earlier baby girl-“ He laughs, looking at you.

“I’m just frustrated, because last night you literally said don’t worry about them i’ll get them. You lied, you said you would do them” That part was true, you didn’t mind though.

“Most of these are from breakfast, and when would I have time to clean them” He quickly bends down to stroke Tessa’s head, finding her as a way to calm him down.

“No that one is from last night, when you literally had cereal.” You pointed at the bowl, fixing your straps of your tank top.

Tom puts his hands on your shoulders, helping you fix them. Ahh you were so lucky, it’s all the small things he does. “I’ll clean them, baby..” He gently shakes your body, hoping that you will at least be less moody if he jokes around to make you laugh.

“Okay! Don’t touch me” You pull his arms off, looking into his chocolate brown eyes.

“Are you serious?”

“No, i’m just irritated.”

Then he moves to where another dirty pan was left on the stove, picking it up. “Thank you for cooking for me. I said thanks like four times, I said i’ll clean the dishes.” Tom puts the pan into the sink turning on the tap, getting ready to clean the dishes even though he’s tired and stressed.

“Okay but why do I always have to ask you?” You try to raise your voice, continuing the argument even though you felt so bad for your sweet and loving boyfriend.

“I didn’t have any other time to do ‘em babe. I’ve been on meetings” He started to clean the pan, squirting the washing up liquid onto the sponge.

He’s still looking at you, “Well if you had time to eat then you had time to do the dishes, Tommy. And you could’ve done some of the ones last night, babe.”

Then he puts everything down, starting to grow even more stressed by how you was treating him over dishes. “I was eating on my meeting, y/n. Are you serious?” He said, pulling a face when you told him again that he could’ve ‘woken up earlier’.

“You’ve seen me on my like….What are you talking about? You literally know I had zero time to do anything” Tom still didn’t raise his voice, not wanting the argument to get worse. Now was the time that you decided that you had to flash him.

Walking away you say, “It’s just the fact that you don’t care, and you leave your stuff everywhere. I spent twenty minutes cleaning up everything” You made sure you was out of the cameras view.

“I left a bowl out last night, i’m sorry, baby. What else can I say, I didn’t mean to.” He sighed turning the tap back on, fully done with the argument you had started.

“You leave everything everywhere, you leave your keys on the counter, you leave your wallet-“

“Why are you acting physco about it? Like I’m sorry that I leave some things in certain places, maybe it’s because im stressed. Like I understand when your stressed, i’m always here for you, i’m never like this” Tom keeps his eyes on the dishes, focusing on cleaning the pan and placing it on the rack when he’s done, moving onto the next dish.

“But like, it not being clean stresses me out to” Your hands slowly go to the bottom of your tank top, him not noticing yet. The camera couldn’t see you either, all they could see was Tom and then him trying to spray you with a laugh.

“Will you smile? Come give me-“ Tom looks back up ready to finish his sentence, the camera seeing his facial expression change. You lifted your tank top all the way up, not having worn a bra so he could see your boobs bare.

Tom smiles cheekily, “What the fuck?” He laughs, dropping the spoon in his hand, it landing back into the sink. “What you doing?” He smirks a laugh, turning of the tap walking over to you as you pull your top back down.

“Nothing” You innocently say, moving back into the cameras view.

“Why you doing that? Baby!” He whines.

“Are you still mad at me?” You try hold in your laugh, a smile falling from your lips.

“I’m not mad at you, you’re mad at me. So that’s how your gonna fix an argument, your just gonna flash me?” He’s still laughing as he cups your cheeks, pressing both your foreheads together.

“You think boobs can fix everything, because they can” You wrap your arms around his neck as he picks you up a little, laughing.

“Yeah?” You smirk.

“Yes”

“Okay” You peck his lips, his hands going to your waist as he looks at your cleavage from your top.

“why you being mean?”

“I’m not being mean” You told him, pulling away.

“You are, i’m gonna do the dishes” He told you.

“So why ain’t you doing them now?”

Then he gave you a ‘are you serious right now?’ look, “Because you just flashed me your tits babe.” He gave your clothed boobs a squeeze, slapping your ass as you went to walk away saying ‘and, and what about it?’

“You want me to do the dishes-“ You flash him again. “Stop, how am I meant to do them when your doing that. Okay, what do you want. I’m confused” He took a step towards you thinking you wanted to do something.

“No, I want you to do the dishes” You laugh from behind the camera.

“Oh my goshhhhh” He drags the word out. “Babe, i’m stressed and I don’t have a lot of time. So it’s either I do the dishes or we do something better”

“I want you to do the dishes quickly, then we can do something better as soon as your done” You tease him, knowing he will grow frustrated after.

Tom grabbed your waist, pushing your body into his. You could already feel his hard on, he was really turned on by you just flashing him? “But there’s a bigger problem now, baby girl” Tom told you with a smirk, placing a sweet kiss to your lips.

“Well do the dishes” You push yourself into him, hearing him grunt as you walk back behind the camera, flashing him again.

“Y/n, that’s not fair. That’s like me showing you my dick, then saying no do the dishes. Baby, come on. First you was mean, now your killing me here” He picked up the dirty spoon again, you finally having enough of the prank. You felt too bad, you wanted to end this and show your boyfriend some love.

You grab his hands, dropping the spoon from it, and pulling him in for a sweet kiss. His hands go around your waist again, swaying you both side to side. “it’s a prank, love. I’m playing with you, I wanted to start an argument then flash you. The cameras there- I’m sorry. You don’t have to do them, i’ll wash them up later” You peck his lips, seeing him feel relieved that it was all a joke.

“So your really not mad at me?” He questioned.

“No, i’m not”

A smirk played on his lips as an idea popped into his head, “So does that mean I can see your tits again………,in the bedroom?”

[bobohu4eva]

Ecstasy

Part 4 - Get You Alone

Characters: Reader x Baekhyun Feat. Chanyeol

Genre: Soloist AU, Smut, angst, fluff

WC: 5k

Tag List: @nana-banana @xzyxbbh @iluvybs @greasywall @endzii23 @scopoliax @silent-potato @baekyeonoreo

Warnings for this chapter: explicit smut, unprotected sex, brief violence/abuse.

A/N: Sorry it took to long but here it is y’all 🥴

Masterlist

Addiction (noun): Disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences

Work. 

As much as she would’ve loved to just lounge around with Baekhyun for another day, she still had a job, and other responsibilities, and the morning after their day out in the country together she found herself chugging coffee, barely dragging herself into work on time. It was for some sort of photoshoot that started way too early in the morning, the purpose of which she hadn't paid much attention to. She was just an assistant after all, it wasn’t like she was in charge of anything important yet with how new she still was at the company. 

However insignificant she might’ve felt, the head producer, her boss, still looked pretty displeased with her when he saw her walk onto set. He was a small, round man with a face that always looked a bit angry, but especially right then. 

“Where have you been?” He asked her before she even had the chance to shake his hand or introduce herself. 

“I’m sorry? I was told this shoot started at 6, it’s 5:58.” 

The man rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed. “Yeah. The shoot starts in two minutes. But everyone else has been here setting up for the last hour already.”

“Oh..” Her heart sank, she had really wanted to do well on this since it was her first ‘big’ project she was working on, or so she’d been told. 

“Yeah, ‘Oh.’ Next time we won’t be so lenient.” 

She quickly bowed, “I promise it won’t happen again, I’m really sorry.” 

She went on to introduce herself and he seemed to dismiss her after that, but she still wasn’t quite sure what she was supposed to be doing there. Before she’d mostly been in the office, just working on promotional stuff. After looking around for a moment, she reluctantly decided that she should ask him, before she ended up standing around wasting more time. 

“PD-nim, is there anything you need me to be doing right now?” 

He sighed at her question, looking increasingly irritated. “You should have a whole checklist, do you really pay that little attention? You need to get a headcount to make sure everyone’s here, check that all the equipment is set up correctly, make sure the set matches the concept sketches, and most of us are getting pretty hungry so you’ll need to order food. Oh and I think one of the photographers needed something, one of the cameras was acting up so you’ll need to get that fixed. Good luck.” 

And with that he walked off, pacing the other side of the room, just staring down at his phone.

She took a deep breath to calm herself, and tried her best to get started on everything he said. However, she still didn’t feel that she had the details she needed to do it all correctly. She did a head count, but she didn’t even know how many people were supposed to be there, and she wasn’t familiar with a lot of the equipment she was supposed to be checking on either, but she just did the best she could, asking everyone she could find (aside from her boss, who still seemed preoccupied), if things were all in order. 

After doing as well as she felt she could on her first few tasks, she decided to find the camera man who needed something for his camera. She hoped it was something relatively easy to fix, because she really didn’t know much about cameras, and luckily it was just a lens of some sort that he needed, and she was easily able to drive to a nearby store to get it. But when she got back, the head PD still looked pissed. 

“Did you leave the set in your own car? Not the company car?”

“There’s a company car?” 

“Are you fucking serious? If someone hit you we would have to pay for it, of course you take the company car! First you show up late and have no idea what to do, and now you can’t even get a few simple tasks done correctly, have you even gotten to the other things? Did you even check if the artist was ready? Or so much as look at the concept sketches?! You set everyone back almost a full hour already, you better pull your shit together real quick or this will be your last time on set, got it?” 

She felt the lump bubbling up in her throat, threatening to let out a sob, but she didn’t need to embarrass herself even more so she tried to keep it down, just nodding and turning away to try and make things right. If she’d known that set days would be this stressful, she wasn’t sure if she would’ve accepted the job at all, no matter how glamorous it seemed. If she’d been given all the information she needed ahead of time, of course she would’ve prepared herself better, but nobody had said anything to her prior to the shoot, from what her supervisor had told her the week before she thought she was just going to be watching and learning how things work. 

She tried to finish the rest of her tasks best she could, running the numbers to make sure there weren’t any last minute purchases that put them over budget, and when it was time to make sure everything matched the sketches, she realized she was going to have to ask him again, having no idea where else to find them. 

Compared to now, he’d really been holding back before, and several other members of the crew looked at her sympathetically as he began to yell at her. 

“Did you not prepare for this shoot at all? Do you even know what we’re shooting for? How do you ever expect to do well in this job if you can’t even listen to simple directions?! You should’ve spent all day yesterday getting ready for this shoot, but you never even showed up at the office to look at the sketches! If I’d known you’d be this useless I wouldn’t have had you here in the first place, running around like an idiot bothering me with all your stupid questions. Now go see if the artist is ready so we can finally get on with this mess, you’ve cost us enough time already.” 

There was no more holding back as the tears flowed in steady streams, and she once again nodded before turning to go look for hair and makeup, doing her best to wipe away most of the tears but with little success. When she finally found the dressing room she knocked lightly before opening the door, and her breath got caught in her throat when she saw who the artist was. 

She’d been so preoccupied with her other tasks she hadn’t even stopped to consider that it might be him this whole shoot was for. But with her luck, of course it was. Out of all the artists at the company, of course it would be him there on the day she fucked everything up. 

When she first saw him she froze, and her hands quickly flew to her face to wipe away more of the tears, the last thing she wanted was for him to know how terribly she was doing. But she quickly pulled herself together as well as she could, because she still had a job to do. 

“Hi, um, I just wanted to check that everything was going okay in here, we’re almost ready for you on set.” She spoke, probably too quickly for anyone to fully understand, before turning the corner into the hallway again, hiding her face in her hands as more tears came.  

Baekhyun was surprised to see her there, but he was even more surprised to see how upset she looked, and quickly followed her out into the hallway. When he turned the corner he found her sitting on the floor, quietly crying to herself. He crouched down next to her, taking her wrists in his hands to move them from where she was hiding her face. When she saw that he’d followed her out, she only cried more. 

“Y/n, sweetheart, what happened? Why are you crying?” He asked softly.

She just shook her head, still too embarrassed to speak. 

“Is someone giving you a hard time? If you tell me what happened, maybe I can help, but you have to tell me, okay?” 

Reluctantly, she nodded, and took a deep breath to steady herself before explaining it all to him. 

“I thought I was just going to be watching and learning how everything works today, because it’s my first time on a set like this, but then Mr Kim told me I have to do all this other stuff that I didn't know about and I did it all wrong and now everyones off track and it's all my fault.” 

Baekhyun still had her hands in his, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb as she choked out the words. 

“Nothing is off track though, I’m not even out of hair and makeup yet.” He chuckled, hoping it would help lighten her mood. “I’m sure you’re doing great. Did Mr Kim get mad at you?” 

She nodded solemnly, “He yelled at me in front of the whole crew.” 

At that he frowned, moving closer and giving her hands a gentle squeeze so she would look at him again. “What was he so mad about?” 

“I guess I was supposed to prepare a bunch of stuff ahead of time for this shoot, but nobody told me, last week they made it sound like I just needed to show up and someone would teach me all of this, but he wanted me checking the sets and camera equipment and everything and when I couldn’t do it like he wanted and had to keep asking questions he got mad.” 

Baekhyun let out a long sigh, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Mr Kim is being an asshole, all that stuff is his job, not yours. Don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? If you want you can stay in my dressing room with me until hair and makeup are done and then I can try and talk to him if he keeps giving you shit, alright?” 

She nodded and he stood up, extending a hand to help her up and she followed him back into the room, though she didn’t miss the look the stylists gave her as she walked in after him and sat down in the corner. To avoid any obvious awkwardness she just stayed on her phone as the hair and makeup girls finished getting him ready. It wasn’t long until they were done and she followed them back out to the set, hoping the PD wouldn’t humiliate her even more, but things just didn't seem to be going her way. 

“There you are,” He said, still looking more annoyed than usual as he lit a cigarette. “Will the food be here soon? Everyone’s starving.” 

She quickly bowed her head in apology, “I still need to order something, sorry for making everyone wait, I’ll do that right away.” 

“Fucking seriously?!” He raised his voice at her again, and this time Baekhyun watched, eyes narrowing as he continued to berate her. “You can’t even remember that? What the hell were you even doing wasting your time back there? Or is even that too difficult a job for your dumb ass?!” 

The tears were threatening to spill over again, and she was so fed up that she almost started yelling back, but Baekhyun was quicker. 

“Is that really necessary Mr Kim? She was in my dressing room, checking to see if I was ready, which by the way is usually your job, along with ordering food for everyone. So unless I missed something and she’s the one in charge now, you should be doing your job instead of yelling at some poor girl on her first day to do it all for you.”

He stayed quiet, narrowing his eyes at him. 

“And I’ll take care of the food, is everyone okay with Chinese?” He asked, pulling up a delivery app on his phone and looking around, and nobody seemed to object. “Glad that’s settled then.” He smiled, and she couldn’t help but grin a little at his response too. 

Mr Kim was visibly fuming, red faced and fists clenched but he knew he couldn’t say anything, Baekhyun was right and to argue with him would only make him look even worse to his crew. What he could do though, was make a point. He grabbed Baekhyun’s arm, wanked up one of the sleeves of his shirt, and pressed the lit cigarette into his skin. 

She watched as Baekhyun’s eyes went wide, and the room went dead silent. It stayed that way for a good several minutes as Mr Kim walked off set, until he showed back up, barking orders at everyone, including her. 

After a little while a girl a few years older than her named Tiffany introduced herself as part of the production team, and started showing her around, reassuring her that she wasn’t expected to do any of the things he had yelled at her about. Mr Kim was simply the absolute worst kind of person.

Soon the shoot was underway and she watched the whole ordeal go down, trying to pay attention to every part of the room, every aspect of the project, but he made it really difficult. How the hell was she supposed to focus on her job when he kept looking at her like that, and in full hair and makeup too. He looked almost criminally sexy. 

Eventually a break was called and she grimaced at how the three girls from hair makeup immediately swarmed him, tugging at his clothes and hair, dabbing away at his face, even his lips. There was no way they really needed to be doing all that, right? It just seemed like overkill to her, as far as she could tell he looked perfect before too. She was even less thrilled by how Baekhyun seemed to welcome it, talking and laughing with the girls as they continued their frenzied attack on him. She hated to say it, but the girls were all quite pretty, and she found herself wondering what their pasts with him looked like. If he’d slept with any of them before too, or anyone on set for that matter. If he was willing to hook up with her, it definitely wasn’t impossible. 

She hadn’t even realized how she was glaring at the whole scene until Baekhyun’s eyes met hers and he shot her a knowing smirk, dismissing the three girls and walking her way. One arm snaked around her waist, pulling her into himself and pressing a kiss below her ear.

“Am I wrong or were you just mentally scalping my team of stylists?” He whispered, a teasing edge to his low voice. 

“Maybe...” she hummed, giving his chest a light push to keep some space between them. “Don’t be so obvious, someone could see us.” 

While she enjoyed the attention, especially now with the three girls watching, there were still a lot of other people around and she didn’t want any of their opinions of her to become skewed just because of who she slept with. 

“Who cares what they see?” 

“I do!” She pouted, before concern took over her face, remembering what Mr Kim had done. “Is your arm okay?”

Baekhyun frowned, taking a deep breath before uttering a “Yeah”.

“That was so fucked up I can’t belive he would-” 

“I’m okay. It’s not that big of a deal.” 

“But-”

He cut her off as he took a step closer, close enough to feel her quick breaths against his lips.

“Admit it, you liked that my stylists saw us, didn’t you?” 

“What? I mean…maybe a little..” She saw him smirk. “But they were all over you for no reason! You should be glad too.” 

He stepped back, shrugging, and before he could respond they heard a call from the director to start setting up again. 

“Are you busy after this?” He asked as they made their way back. 

“Not really, why?” 

“Wanna go out later?” 

“Sure, what did you have in mind?” 

He shrugged, “We could get something to eat and then go to my place?” 

She accepted his invitation without a second thought, heart fluttering at what the night now promised. 

They were back on set where the camera crew, stylists, and various other staff were waiting and she was about to turn away towards the girl who’d been showing her around, but Baekhyun’s hand snuck its way into the back pocket of her pants, pulling her back to him. Her hands landed on his chest, faces only centimeters apart.

“Give me a kiss.” He whispered into the space between their lips. 

Cheeks flushed, she looked around to see if anyone was watching, and luckily everyone seemed preoccupied so she quickly pressed her lips to his. 

His hands moved to her waist and he held her there just a moment longer, before letting go and admiring the shy twinge of pink still on her face. 

“So cute,” he mumbled to himself as she walked across the room, looking back at him and smiling before she reached her guide from earlier. 

The rest of the shoot went fairly well, and she felt she was doing a pretty good job catching onto everything. Tiffany explained what her role would be on sets and what she should expect moving forward, and it all seemed pretty reasonable. Baekhyun kept doing his job too, looking handsome as ever as they changed out the sets and his outfits, moving from one scene to another. 

She thought it was funny how much more reserved the stylists were around him after witnessing their little display, and one of the girls even looked blatantly annoyed by it. Of course it wasn’t like they were actually together, but it still felt nice to know that she was the one who’d be in his bed later that night, not any of them. 

She’d been getting along well with Tiffany, and as the shoot was coming to an end the older girl couldn’t help but comment, “So you and Baekhyun, huh?” 

The question took her off guard, and she almost choked on the water she’d just taken a sip of. “You saw that?” She grimaced. 

“Everyone did,” She laughed, “It's really not that big a deal, just… different, I guess.” 

“Different how?” 

“I mean you know Baekhyun, right? I’ve been working here for over five years and I’ve never seen him act like that before. Other artists will have their significant others on set often too, but he just never seemed like that kind of guy, you know? With his big parties and everything.” 

“Oh, we aren’t actually dating or anything.” She stammered, blushing. 

Tiffany raised an eyebrow, “Are you serious?” 

“Well, yeah. We’ve just been hanging out and stuff, it’s not serious, just for fun.” 

“Look, I obviously don’t know any details, but like I said I’ve been working with him for years and I’ve never seen him look at someone like that before, that was more than ‘just for fun’ if you ask me.” 

She sighed, she wanted to believe her but she knew it was best to stay guarded with him. “It’s just confusing, sometimes I do think he really cares about me, but he said he doesn’t want a relationship.”   

The older girl offered her a warm smile, “Half the time men don’t know what the hell they want, but I think he likes you a lot. He’ll come around.” 

With that the shoot was finally over, and she gave her new friend a short hug before breaking off to look for him. She found him in his dressing room as expected, with one of the stylists wiping the makeup off of him. 

He smiled his familiarly dazzling smile at her, and asked, “You ready to go? Any idea where we wanna eat?” 

She just shrugged, silently laughing to herself at the way the girl seemed to tense up at his question, hastily wiping off the last bits of makeup before standing up to get her things and get the hell out of that room. 

The second they were alone Baekhyun closed the distance between them, an arm around the small of her back pressing her flush to him as his other hand guided her into a kiss. 

“So how’d you like your first day on set?” He asked once their lips parted again. 

“It was okay after you spoke up. And thank you by the way, that was really cool of you. And I’m really sorry he did.. that.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m starving, let's go.” And then he was pulling her through the door, and before she knew it she was back in his sleek black Audi, winding through the city streets. They ended up at a barbecue place, and were once again seated in their own room, out of sight from the rest of the guests. 

It was difficult for her to keep ignoring what Mr Kim had done earlier, but it was obvious Baekhyun didn’t want to talk about it, so she didn’t bring it up again.

She knew it was a bit silly, but even as they ordered their drinks she couldn’t get the stylists out of the back of her mind, laughing and smiling as they fawned over him and he welcomed it with her right there on set. 

“So those three girls,” She eventually asked. “Are you close with them at all?” 

“The stylists?” 

She nodded. 

“Not super close or anything, but it's usually them or a handful of other stylists who work for the company that are on set, and when you see people that much I guess you do kind of get to know them.” 

She wondered if she should really ask her next question, but the curiosity was killing her and she decided to just let it out. 

“Have you ever… slept with any of them?” 

Baekhyun knew he shouldn’t be grinning at that the way he did, but he couldn’t help but find it endearing that she would ask. 

“Does it matter?” 

“I don’t know, I’m just curious.” 

He smiled to himself a second longer before answering. 

“The blonde girl who did my hair, one time, after a party.”    

She had to admit, she didn’t actually think he would tell her something like that. She swallowed. 

“Just one time?” 

He nodded. “Over a year ago it must’ve been. I hardly remember it honestly.” 

The blonde girl. She’d been the one who looked so annoyed after Baekhyun’s little public display on set.

“She looked pretty pissed after seeing us, you know.” 

He shrugged. “She has no reason to be upset. It was a one night stand and it was forever ago, she should’ve known better than to expect any more.” 

She couldn’t help but let out an exasperated sigh at his words. If he thought sex and attraction were that simple, he had lot to learn. That or he was simply choosing to ignore the ways he might hurt people. 

“So then why do you keep me around?” 

He paused, considering it for a moment. “You’re good company.” 

She crossed her arms over her chest, throwing him a challenging look. “Really? That’s it?”

“What? Did you want to hear something else?”

“I don’t know, but it’s not really very specific.” 

“You want me to be more specific?” 

She gave him her best ‘yeah, duh’ look. 

A sly smirk tugged at his lips before he scooted his way to the other side of the booth, moving the hair from her shoulder and whispering lowly into her ear, 

“I I guess I just wanted more after fucking you the first time, seeing as you have the tightest, wettest, gorilla grip, make me cum twice in one night, super soaker pussy I’ve ever had the pleasure of burying myself in.” 

His crass words quickly had her face reddening but a giggle still erupted from her throat. Once the initial shock wore off she was swatting at his chest, reprimanding him for such profanity at the dinner table. 

“You’re awful.” She laughed. 

“You’ll still be in my bed later though.” 

The look on his face when he said it was clearly taunting her, but at the end of the day, they both knew ‪he was completely right. 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t explain why you’re wining and dining me first. My pussy doesn’t care if I’ve eaten.” 

“Like I said, you’re good company. I’m not that shallow you know.” 

“Hmm..” 

It still didn’t really make sense to her, but he seemed to keep avoiding her question so she just let it be.

“So you came to our current company after a few years at a different one, right?” She asked, “But don’t most contracts last for at least like 5 years? You were only there for 2 or 3 right?” 

She thought she saw his jaw go tense, and he nodded. 

“Well, what happened? Why did you leave?” 

“It’s a long story.”

“We have plenty of time, I don’t mind-”

“No. Just…not today.” 

His face had gone blank and she knew better than to push it, although she still couldn’t help but wonder. She knew what the industry was like, and how harsh it could be. But she didn’t want to argue, or pressure him to talk about something he wasn’t comfortable with, so she promptly changed the subject and he fortunately seemed to lighten back up after that. 

As the dinner went on they laughed about Mr Kim’s terribleness, happily grilling their meats and throwing back drinks until it was finally time for Baekhyun to once again take her home with him. The sun had set as they ate, and she found her eyes drifting shut on their way to his place, exhausted from the long day and early morning they’d had. When they finally reached his apartment, she made a b-line for his bedroom, all but throwing herself face first onto his bed, sighing with delight at the perfectly plush mattress and soft silk sheets; she could’ve fallen asleep right then if it weren’t for her host. She felt slender fingers tracing up her calf before he spoke. 

“You can’t be falling asleep already, it’s barely eight.” 

“But we’ve been up since like four am.” She whined in return. 

“And if you fall asleep now, you’ll be up that early again tomorrow.” 

She groaned, but he was right. She knew he wasn’t going to let her sleep that easily anyway, he still had other plans for the night, plans she knew she couldn’t deny him, nor did she want to. 

She felt him climb onto the bed after her, pushing the hair from her neck before leaving a wet kiss at the nape “You know you’ll be able to sleep better after I make you cum anyway.”

“Hmmm, I hope you’re ready to do all the work then.” She turned her face to look up at him, and he was grinning back at her.

“I don’t mind… just stay like this for me baby.” 

So she did, and his hands wandered beneath her blouse, pushing it up until he could pull it over her head before moving to her pants. She felt him slowly pull them down her legs, until they too were removed, leaving her in her bra and underwear. It wasn’t anything super fancy since she hadn’t planned to even see him that day, but at least they matched, and she silently patted her former self on the back for her choice. 

He moved back over her, kissing the back of her neck and shoulders, sending shivers down her spine. One hand snuck its way under the band of her bra, before deftly undoing the clasp and pulling the garment out from under her in one smooth motion. 

She felt him get up, stripping off his clothes as well before making his way back onto the bed, and she took the opportunity to turn around and finally look at him. He slowly pulled her last piece of clothing down her legs, and as soon as they were both bare he covered her body with his own, pressing more kisses into the skin of her neck and chest before eventually reaching her lips. 

His mouth was still on her own when she felt one slender hand dip between her legs, and she sighed into him at the divine touch. The more they’d slept together, the better he got to know her body, and the easier it was for him to have her shaking and gasping beneath him, just how he liked. 

He kept teasing her with his fingers, working her up as their lips stayed glued to one another aside from the gasps or moans he pulled from her so effortlessly. After some time though, he became impatient himself and she whined as he moved off of her, grabbing a condom from the nightstand. She eagerly helped him get it on, and he turned her back onto her stomach, once again moving the hair from her neck and attaching his lips to the now damp skin before pushing inside with a relieved groan. She whined at the sudden fullness, the angle hitting all the right places as he started to move at a leisurely pace inside her. 

They could both tell that this wouldn’t last long with how pent up they were and he wasted no time picking up the pace as she cried out into his silken pillows. They weren’t even doing anything particularly adventurous or dirty, but he just knew how to fuck her exactly the way she wanted, and he never got tired of the way she clung to him and moaned out his name. She just felt so perfect around him, and it wasn’t long until they were both getting close to their highs. 

Baekhyun made sure to keep up the movement of his hips, satisfied with how loud she was getting, and he knew she was close, just a few more thrusts and she would be twitching and shaking for him. Just as he expected, she was soon falling apart beneath him and the sound of his name on her lips and the squeezing of her pussy around him was enough to have him follow soon after, pushing into her a few more times as he reached his own peak. 

Once the rush had faded he all but collapsed on top of her, showering the back of her neck with more kisses before finally rolling off and getting up. He returned with a warm washcloth, cleaning her off as she already began to doze off, and when he finally got back into bed he pulled her in, arms wrapped firmly around her waist and her back met his chest as he inhaled the pleasant smell of her shampoo on her hair before falling into a blissful sleep. 

Baekhyun wasn’t usually one for ‘boring’ sex, but with her that wasn’t even an option it seemed. What would usually bore him with past one night stands, suddenly felt exciting again, if it was with her. She had lit a new fire inside of him, whether he liked it or not. 

Next Chapter

[que-de-metal]

Sending you the ball back (seishin)

When I started shipping it if I did:

Day one — well day one of me playing DDC. Since I had a few years (late middle school + high school) where I wasn't following Touhou canon anymore and it came out during those times, I found out about them when I caught up to all the canon I missed circa 2015. But I had managed to not get a single thing about them spoiled somehow so the experience was the same.

My thoughts:

I love them so so much but you all know that. But specifically out of all the Touhou ships I feel like this is the one that's the most "contained?" Like they actually have a complete story arc that starts with DDC, then ISC, and "ends" with their conversation in Grimoire of Usami. If I wanted to explain most TH ships to someone who isn't in the fandom, I would have to pull out a diagram and hundreds of small details and worldbuilding bits to get it to make sense, but for these two there's a cohesive "trilogy" that contains a whole love story with onscreen character arcs and a satisfying "epilogue". Because of that I feel like this is a very special ship, it really stands out from the other pairings in that regard…

Things done in fanworks that annoy me:

I think people think I'm joking when I say I'm an unironic Seija apologist, but I genuinely dislike the framing of Shinmyoumaru as a helpless victim. I do think there's no real victim, that they mutually used each other awkwardly, but if it HAS to be a contest of who has it worse… What Seija did to Shin was: invent a bunch of overinflated bullshit to push Shin over the edge of joining a cause that she already half-agreed with without the lies. What Shin did to Seija was: weaponize her weakness to throw her under the bus as the main perpetrator AND not back down from that narrative EVEN AFTER a DEAD OR ALIVE MANHUNT was called on Seija. I feel like out of these two betrayals there is one that is way harder to forgive and it's not Seija's! They're both brilliant manipulators in totally different ways and it's one of the reasons they fit so well in the first place aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. I prefer fanworks that are more morally gray but if I'm to be compeltely honest I also want to see a more villainous Shin to compensate for all the fanworks that smooth her edges so much!

Things I look for in fanworks:

One of the big charm points of this ship for me is the Bonnie & Clyde dynamic, the partner in criming, so I can't get enough of fanworks of them working well together and being in sync. I like fanart where they look kind of cool, serious and competent, I find it very romantic in a way.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Because of DDC being such a self-contained complete story like I said earlier there's not a lot of material of them interacting with the rest of the world… I love love love Sei/Shin/Reimu and Sei/Shin/Marisa because it has interesting power dynamics but it needs to be a throuple because as soon as you take Seija or Shinmyoumaru out I'm not interested.

Thought I like the idea of Shin going for other women during their time apart. Because I have a loving jealousy tropes too much problem. And I'm interested in Seija having to face insecurities. In that regard I'm into the Shin/Tenshi dynamic in AoCF. Because I think a Tenshi VS Seija rivalry could get very ugly (positive). But once again this is still with a SeiShin lens…

My prefered future/ending for them:

I want them to have big dramatic adventures. I do think they can change some of the unfair things in Gensokyo if they get over themselves first. It's also the kind of ship where I appreciate a tragic ending and a tragic death but I haven't found the fanwork that would hit this the right way for me yet :3

What is their favorite activity together:

Planning adventures. I picture Shin as the kind of person who can spend hours talking about projects, travels, shady businesses, things she wants to try someday. And she enjoys doing SOME of these things but coming up with the ideas counts as part of the fun. And paradoxically to the fact that her whole thing is playing with negatives, I feel like Seija would be a good Yes Man for those situations because the way she always twists and criticizes everything could be pretty stimulating to bounce ideas off. I'm getting frustrated because there's no english equivalent to "faire des plans sur la comète" and "refaire le monde" but I can totally see them spending a night on a high peak in Gensokyo, pointing to locations they want to travel the next day and bantering all night while mapping out the whole itinerary, then waking up in the morning and going the opposite direction of where they had planned.

A fic I’d like to write about them/A sentence from one already in my WIPs: 

(not a prose line cause this fic is in its rough 1st draft state a but a scene placeholder that I like) "Seija goes to sleep holding one of Shin's robes next to her head to make sure she dreams of her."

ship and characters asks 💌

[glorified-red]

What do you think about people who enjoy fandom surface? Like, knowing enough to laugh at memes, appreciating fanart, reading fanfics about characters they like, etc. But don't really know many details?

Fun question, and surprisingly controversial for some reason

Honestly, I think that's the purest form of fandom engagement and it should be protected at all costs. I have fully read fanfics over 100k words with no idea who the characters were and read it just like a regular novel. I remember telling the author that and it blew their mind that someone could enjoy their work not from a fandom lens, but from a creative one. I enjoyed the fic because the writing was phenomenal AND I got to support them.

I reblog art all the time with no clue who they are. I go to conventions and buy art from booths having no fucking idea who is drawn. I even talked to my favorite artist and admitted I was worried about buying some of their art because I knew it was Genshin Impact and I've never played it, let alone know anything about it.

Seeing the gradual sadness in her eyes was something I will never forget. I bought every Genshin Impact print she sold and to this day, it is the most gorgeous art I own. I treated it as nothing more than art, because at the end of the day that's what it is. I got to support that small artist and that's more than enough of a reason for me to buy it.

Heck, I never would've gotten this deep into the Batfam if I hadn't first started surface level. We all have to start somewhere. Plus, I think fandom is starting to get more and more gatekeep-y and it's really annoying to see.

Let people enjoy things!

Fandom only exists because of voluntary participation. If we keep gatekeeping it or shunning those who participate, fandom will slowly die out.

It's okay to be a surface level enjoyer. Hell, I go to concerts only knowing one song. I buy band tshirts from bands I only really like three songs they've ever made but those three songs bring me joy. I buy pop toys of characters I just think look cool.

Plus, conversation starters?? You know how fun it is to wear a shirt and have someone comment on it and then getting to learn from them a little bit? The "I love this song" and "I like this one! Listen to it sometime?"

The bonding is so pure. I think humans just love to love things for the sake of loving them and it's adorable.

Sometimes I get caught in the gatekeeper track of "wow, how dare you say you're a fan of you've never XYZ" but then I step back and realize how stupid that is.

Just let people enjoy things, fandom included. I went to a hockey game once?? Dude, that was the most fun I've ever had. Do I know ANYTHING about hockey or the teams playing? Absolutely not. Did I have a blast?? Hell yea.

We have the most fun in life when we stop giving a shit about other people's opinions. Just have fun, whatever that looks like for you.

And if that's knowing every single fact about one fandom and collecting everything there is to buy? Go ham, bud. I'll support it.

But if that's also reblogging a fic because the writing was cool, awesome! Sounds like a good read!

Just have fun :)

[drebur123]

Promptober: Day 10

Let's Make a Deal | CC!Charlie Slimecicle X Reader

Prompt: "Zombie"

(wc: 996)

Tw: Zombies (is that a trigger warning?), mentions of death.

~~~~~

I gasp, seeing the building before me. In a world where the undead outnumber the alive, it's quite rare to find a structure in a decent condition. A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of the flesh-eating monsters.

Their appearance is enough to make you lose your lunch if you're not careful. I step through the doors of the abandoned grocery store, weapon in hand. I find the bow to be most effective against this particular enemy.

Even the training arrows can slow them down for a moment. My eyes survey the empty building. The shelves are empty. Well, almost. All the food is gone, but a few non-essentials are left behind. Such as sponges, pens, coffee cups, you know. They're almost out of those too, but I'll take what I can get.

After roughly checking the store, it's determined that I'm alone. The only real thing of value left over is a half-empty package of water. There's still five bottles. I pack all of them up in my backpack. Just as I zip up the bag, a soft pitter-patter starts of the roof.

After a few minutes, the rain is coming down hard. It looks like I'm staying here for a bit. It's probably better to sleep here than in a tree. That bruise from yesterday has been a quite annoying all day.

I set my backpack in the very back corner of the store, which happens to be in the pharmacy. It still has that odd pill sent in it. That and dust. I unpack my blanket and cover up with it. My blanket is one of the only things I was originally able to pack.

My hand gently rests on the handle of my pocketknife. It's the only weapon I trust myself to not set off in my sleep. In the movies the main character never dies from tiny mishaps like that, so why should I?

And typically, the main character in the movies is in a group of survivors, or something. Even if it's just a flashback you're shown, they were once part of something. Sadly, that's not me. I came into this world alone; I'm going to make my exit alone too.

I have met a few people before, but they weren't out to help me. That's an understatement. They were rather out to hurt me. Take food, water, something. It's never worked out for them.

I normally have troubles falling asleep, but it wasn't too bad tonight. It was actually quite easy for once. In a matter of fifteen minutes or so I could feel myself start to drift off.

"Hey." I can barely hear someone whisper. The male's voice is light, almost airy. "You alive?" The voice says a little louder. Something softly tugs at the blade in my hand. I startle awake, ripping the weapon away from whoever's there, holding it up in a defensive manner.

The next thing I know, my arm is being twisted into some awkward position, making me release the knife with just a small pull. My eyes meet the other person's.

They're an icy light blue color. The right lens of his glasses is a bit chipped, and his cheek bares a tiny cut. "Hello, I'm Charlie." Charlie says with a smile, placing my pocketknife just out of my reach.

"Hi— I'm Y/n." Charlie hums, standing up. "We don't get a lot of visitors around here." He claims, holding out his hand for me to grab. I do, and he helps me to my feet. "What do you mean by we?" I ask.

"Only me, myself, and I, of course," He replies with a small chuckle.

Charlie turns out to be a pretty good guy. He used to be a part of a group. They called themselves "The Chuckle Boy's", in honor of the podcast of which they ran together.

There was Ted, the leader of the three. He also was the one who was picked on the most. Then there was Schlatt. He was the jokester. He did most of the picking on. Then there was Charlie. He... I'm not too sure about his role. Come to think of it, he didn't want to talk about himself too much.

Charlie claims the three of them were sitting around in a studio, while the out-break begun. The news interrupted their recording session, and unluckily, for them it started in L.A. That's also where I live.

I first heard about it while I was watching a movie. Just got home from work and was just trying to settle in. Little did I know I wasn't going to be doing much settling in the foreseeable future. Anyways, Charlie says he got separated from the group shortly after they saw the first zombie on the streets.

He claims he's been staying in this very store, awaiting the days where the "monsters" (as he calls them) have all died, or until he thinks it's safe enough to come out. The whole times he's been in here I've been wandering the streets, looking for some life form to become friends with. 

Mind you, it's been three months. I lost track of the exact date though.

Same with time, but with the position the moon is in, I'd have to say it's roughly twelve o'clock. I first fell asleep at dusk. "Y/n?" Charlie says. "Yeah?" I redivert my attention to him from the moon.

"Can we make a deal?" "What kind of deal?" I ask. "Well, if you want to stay here with me, I think we should have a little agreement. What do you think about, no secrets, no lies, and no betrayal," He proposes, holding out his pinky finger. "Sounds reasonable," I agree, linking both our littlest figures with each other's. 

~~~~~

Maybe I'll do a part two soon. It was originally supposed to be longer, but I got a little bored with it.  

[ivyblooms]

Hiiii this might be weird lol but I saw your addition to the post discussing the correlation between the gay trans men phenomenon to misogyny and you brought up the topic of rising trans slash in fanfics - as someone whose been in fandoms for like 10+ years you’re sooo right!! Even though I do read all sorts of fanfic (gay, lesbian, platonic) I’d say I’ve always had a more critical approach in fandom stuff (plus getting more into radfem theory about 3 years ago) and from the get go I always saw the ~majority~ of male slash fanfic created by women as an expression of romance/smut through a non-misogynistic lens; “men get to be people while women are women yadda yadda”. A perception I’ve always had at the back of my mind, so it always confused me when in the past 5ish years suddenly women who had consumed so much gay fanficton were proclaiming they must actually be gay men

You mentioned the rise in trans slash media and honestly I thought I was going crazy lol. There has definitely been a huge shift, where suddenly the components that made the work gay could just be altered and it’s supposedly still the same. Apologies if this seems vulgar but the switch to now male characters actually being trans, feminization in sexual/non sexual manners, and sometimes just having a “boyp*ssy” at minimum has been really fucking weird, and in some fandom spaces I’m in the change seems to have skyrocketed in the past ~6 months

Honestly sorry for the random ramble and feel free to disregard but I would love to know if you have anymore to say on this topic. I think I’ve only encountered one light discussion overlapping fanfiction / feminist theory, so it’s always interesting when I see the topic brought up!

No worries sis, it's not weird.

I am there with you. I'd been noticing the trend but when I wanted to have a quick look at Captain Marvel femslash I was like 3 pages of results in and still hadn't seen one that didn't include 'girlpenis' or equivalent. I was legit annoyed, the last thing anyone wants when looking for fxf is the word penis getting involved.

I don't want to discount homophobic fetishisation of course. As a lesbian I never really believed that was real until I finally saw some hetero fandom friends genuinely being sexually attracted to males cast in live action versions of a cartoon and I was like .. wait a second u guys were serious?? So yeah thats real, but I highly doubt it's the main reason. Especially when so many lesbians are super into slash fic as well.

So to your point, while I do think the popularity of gay male slash fiction has largely been due to women wanted to escape misogyny, I don't believe it's been a conscious thought. I don't believe many of these girls and women actively thought they are lesser than men, I don't think choosing to write mxm was a decision to highlight misogyny, I think it's just an entirely internalised 'feeling' that somehow putting a woman with a man is demeaning or inequitable therefore they want their favourite blorbo to be with someone that doesnt give them that feeling. And, to straight women, men are hot.

Like notice how so many of the pov men in older mxm fics are the one that bottoms? Even the concept of strict set in stone roles for top and bottom defining your character (seme and uke) really is more reminiscent of hetero relationships that actual real life gay relationships. I truly do think there is reason to believe this is due to making one character (the bottom) more relatable as a subconscious woman stand in. They were always shorter, they were almost always weaker, they had less body hair, they were almost always prettier and more feminine, their male genitalia was small and often barely remarked on and there was no question that their main participation in sex was being penetrated. They were trans men before the idea of trans men and gender being unrelated to sex really ramped up.

It makes perfect sense to me that the next step in that train of thought, that men and women feel unequal and gender is not related to sex, is "well I relate to men as an equal therefore I must also be a man". Like if you haven't stepped back to understand your own bias, how would you ever realise the true answer is women are equal humans despite the way the world treats us? It's not correct and it comes from a place of homophobia where straights consider gayness a club they can join on a whim rather than a meaningful material experience, but it's understandable that's the leap being made.

You are right, it has gotten so much worse over the last six months. Maybe ABO has finally become truely accepted and now anyone feels they can put any genitals on any character like its a mix and match. Maybe trans ideology has finally fully taken over the majority of fandom spaces. Maybe actual gay writers and fans got sick of so much unwanted hetero we have started dropping out of popular fandom spaces.

Seriously trying to find gay fanfiction now is so much harder than ever before, but it's something people not in fandom spaces are missing because if you see nothing more than the characters in ships you'd think it was gay. Fandom spaces are becoming hostile to homosexuality in a way I wouldn't have predicted 10 years ago. I think they probably always were, tbh, it was just that misogynistic straight women didn't realise they had another option and could get by on the fetish until they found this solution.

[whumpshaped]

Drabble #7

inspo masterlist

trigger warnings: past trauma, scars

Andrina didn’t mind the weight of Len’s head on its lap. It felt comforting, like a weighted blanket, and it seemed to help the other relax, which was always a positive. It was reading a book on gardening, a new hobby it’d picked up lately, and it regularly tilted it in a way so that Len would be able to see the pictures.

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at one of the colourful images. “Not the lavender. I recognise lavender. The other one.”

“It’s bee balm! Isn’t it so pretty?” Andrina smiled, its eyes wandering to Len’s face and catching on a scar it had never seen before. Its smile wavered despite its best efforts.

“What is it?”  Len tensed up immediately, as he usually did whenever the mood shifted. Andrina could understand that and tried not to concern him, but it was hard to do with someone so fine-tuned to every little change in atmosphere.

“I haven’t seen that scar before.” It kept its tone soft, trying to convey that it wasn’t mad, only… saddened. New scars and marks kept popping up as Len became more and more comfortable changing clothes, wearing short sleeves, maybe even allowing the others to help with bandaging - but this one was right on his face. It was just a faint line by now, stretching from his eyebrow to the middle of his forehead, something Andrina could only tell as it brushed his hair aside.

“Ah…” He smiled awkwardly, unsure of how to react.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. We can ignore it. I’m sorry.”

“No, I mean… It’s just a scar.” It was not just a scar, based on the pained look on his face.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, we really don’t have to.”

“No, I’ll just say it, it doesn’t matter.” He was still stalling, looking at the ceiling past Andrina’s head, babbling on about how it wasn’t a big deal when it clearly was. It put the book aside, gently petting his hair to help ease the anxiety. “Kalysta never paid attention to where… blows would land, you know? I wish they- well, I wish they would’ve at least tried to put the scars in places where they were easy to cover up. This one is still one of the more pleasant ones, actually.” He gave a small, dry chuckle. “It’s just from falling. They hit me so hard that I lost my balance and fell in a really stupid way. I hit my head on a table. I guess it wasn’t Kalysta’s fault.”

Andrina didn’t say anything. As an outsider, it was pretty obvious that it was their fault, given that they were the one who hit him. But it never really argued about these things. Len would have to decide for himself what was and wasn’t his owner’s fault, just as Pacey and it did with Ora. They had agreed to disagree on many fronts.

“It doesn’t really show,” it said in the end. “I only just noticed it, and you’ve been living with us for a while now.”

“Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And I know it’s there. It’s annoying. I can’t even look in the mirror without-” He left the sentence hanging in the air, unfinished. He was choking back tears, Andrina could tell, and it broke its heart. “Well, doesn’t matter now. Tell me more about bee balm instead?”

“Of course.” It picked up the book again. “You can flavour jelly with the crushed leaves of it, you know. I should make some of that.”

~

taglist: @ashh-ed @whumpsday @whump-queen @rainbows-and-whumperflies

[eelqueen]

Angel with an Amber Halo

Chapter 3: a little dream on AO3

Astarion/OC 1970's sleazy porn magazine photoshoot AU.

She lay in the bed of her small flat, sprawled out nude with a joint hanging from her lips, and an ash tray resting next to her on the duvet. The photographer let her eyes drift shut, and though her head was full of cotton, she noticed the frankincense drifting back into her consciousness. It must be stuck to my hair , she thought dreamily. His scent must be coating my skin, seeped into my pores, here to stay permanently. That's not so bad. He's quite a lovely thing, hard and sensual and luscious.  Her hand drifted downwards to deposit the joint in the ashtray, then continued on its journey to ghost over the hair at the apex of her thighs. She huffed out a laugh, feeling the soft tickle of the hair under her hand.  What might Astarion’s hand feel like there? Would he be gentle, caressing me with gentle and yearning hands? Or would he let his desire take over and touch me with only his own pleasure considered? I wouldn’t mind, either way, Francesca thought. I’d let him do anything to me if it meant would always look at me like he did during the shoot.

Francesca slid into her car and slammed the door shut. The engine roared to life and the radio turned on with it.

“Stars shining bright above you…”

God, she hated this sickly sweet song. But she was too annoyed with everything else to change the station.

“Night breezes seem to whisper I love you…”

The night had gone horribly, terribly wrong. This isn’t how her shoots normally went. This wasn’t the usual Francesca. The usual Francesca was, well, Frankie. She used the more androgynous nickname with clients, regardless of how much she hated it. Frankie was always cool, calm, collected and impossible to sexualize with her banter and confidence shielding her. But this evening had been off from the beginning, the heat of the night putting her on edge. 

“Birds singin’ in the sycamore tree…”

She just needed to get away from Astarion's ridiculous estate. And so she began the long drive home.

“Dream a little dream of me.”

Why had Astarion been so forward and intense with her? Clients usually got the hint and backed off after a while, but he was flirting with her nonstop, all night. And besides, he was the mysterious and powerful Astarion Ancunin, the elusive socialite. What did he want to do with a starving artist? 

“Stars fading but I linger on, dear”

Ugh, she thought suddenly. It must be a power thing. She was under his thumb all night long, either too embarrassed or turned on to fight back, and that's how he liked it. He was so good at playing the role. Francesca was squirming through the whole shoot. Infuriating , she thought. All that influence and money, and he still has to exert his control over a little nobody like me.

“Still craving your kiss,”

But then, it was also so sweet to have his attention. All of the focus she was showering on him through the lens was reflected right back at her. And, oh god, he really was the most beautiful man she ever laid eyes on. His taste was impeccable, and he was perfectly styledk and his soft curls were perfectly coiffed. She remembered how full his lips were and how his tongue played along his sharp, straight teeth as she shot a close-up of his face. She thought of how his body may have very well been carved from marble by one of the old masters, and how his muscles tensed as he stroked his length... and how his cock twitched when he looked at her. 

“I'm longing to linger 'til dawn, dear…”

Stopped at a traffic light, Francesca punched the power button on the radio, tossed her head back into the headrest and groaned out loud. She wasn't supposed to be into clients, but Astarion was irresistible. She'd have to keep this to herself. No office gossip, no bashfully admitting her secret to friends. Besides, she'd have enough to answer for with how curious everyone was about the mysterious Astarion.

—

Francesca passed by the weekend in a cloud cigarette smoke and ocean haze, topped off with a musky touch of weed. But the warm glow of frankincense from Astarion’s candles seemed to have stuck in her nose.

She lay in the bed of her small flat, sprawled out nude with a joint hanging from her lips, and an ash tray resting next to her on the duvet. The photographer let her eyes drift shut, and though her head was full of cotton, she noticed the frankincense drifting back into her consciousness. It must be stuck to my hair , she thought dreamily. His scent must be coating my skin, seeped into my pores, here to stay permanently. That's not so bad. He's quite a lovely thing, hard and sensual and luscious. 

Her hand drifted downwards to deposit the joint in the ashtray, then continued on its journey to ghost over the hair at the apex of her thighs. She huffed out a laugh, feeling the soft tickle of the hair under her hand. 

What might Astarion’s hand feel like there? Would he be gentle, caressing me with gentle and yearning hands? Or would he let his desire take over and touch me with only his own pleasure considered? I wouldn’t mind, either way , Francesca thought. I’d let him do anything to me if it meant would always look at me like he did during the shoot.

She thought about how he would seduce her, crawling towards her, stalking up to her like she was his prey as his hand drags up her thigh. Astarion’s eyes are laser focused on her cunt, then move up to her breasts, then he’s looking up through his eyelashes at her. His clothes are gone now, and his cock ruddy and pressed against her belly. It’s so hard and she’s panting beneath him, completely lost to desire. He takes his cock in hand and rubs it against her clit. Francesca nearly cries from the combination of how filthy it feels and how much she needs the stimulation. Her pussy is soaked, she knows it, and he could take her in one push if he wanted. She places her hand over his and pushes it further down, where she needs to feel him the most.

Francesca was panting on her bed alone, eyes heavy lidded and staring at nothing in particular. Her hands were both between her legs, one working in and out of her slick pussy, the other frantically sliding across her clit. She came quickly, gasping out moans and wishing Astarion’s cock was inside her to feel her orgasm.

[tammyhybrid21]

So you know what, let’s have a quick side track with the CLASSIC.

A relationships web key. Which of course, this top picture, kind of impossible for you to really see anything that makes sense. Good thing that won’t be the only image of the web I share. Just the one to hopefully make folks interested in hearing how things work in my particular interpretation of the Rain World iterator relationships.

Let’s start off actually with the CLASSIC. Moonie! Also each individual breakdown has both how the iterator in focus views others and how they’re viewed back.

Which is very, very fun when it’s not fully mutual. Or even when it is mostly fully mutual but for some differences. Doomed Inno with her hero crush on Moon who is just looking back like she’s cute little sibling just like Pebbles. I won’t talk so much about other’s to Moon here, since this is Moon’s spotlight.

Obviously Pebbles is her little brother, they are friends and there’s a touch of sibling antagonism between them. Inno is also in that “I view you as cute sibling” trap. Wind is seen as a friend.

Sliver however is one of the fun ones. Because they did know each other, but never got close enough so it was left at the state of been a squish, that wish to be friends, with a side of crush and bit of negativity due to... events.

Suns is straight disliked on Moon’s end and NSH is a friend with annoyance privileges. Which you know, always fun. I will talk more about them later, but Moon’s feelings are pretty straight forwards for the most part. Even with the edges on some of the relationships... and her, not fondness of Suns.

Well, might as well do it in character importance order, so Pebbles and his relationships next... and in Pebbles vision to. So the colourblind colours. Again some of these will be obvious, others not quite so, but still.

Moon is very much his sibling, sister, he looks up to her, they’re friends and there’s the usual sibling antagonism as well. You know, classic.

Sliver and Wind have the most plain opinions from him, he doesn’t much like Wind. Sliver is both easier and harder, with the idolization of her because she was the one who did it. Found the solution and then vanished.

Suns is also relatively simple, idolization, friendship, a touch of antagonizing and also the adoptive sibling relationship that I vibe with so, so much more than the other option. Pebbles for better or worse really does look up to Suns.

Inno as well to the side, friendly antagonism leading into something of an honorary family dynamic. These two mean so much to me for real. Like sure, I could have gone the obvious but I think it’s so much more interesting when viewed through the lens that they mutually just kind of mess with each other.

And NSH, Crush, Friendship, Antagonism and also bit of Idolization. I have a lot of views on the relationship here and how complicated it’s allowed to be. People thinking it’s just straight dislike are thinking too small honestly. I feel like they do get along, but very, very messily. As well from Pebbles end especially there’s thoughts to be had, he looks up to NSH on a level, for NSH’s bioengineering skills as well experience. While at the same time of course finding him very annoying and yet-- fun to just chat with sometimes... as well, I think he appreciates that NSH can and will call him on stupidity. The crush is just personal choice, as well emotions can be messy and boy do they have some vibes...

Speaking of NSH...

NSH’S relationship chart is the next one. Some of it is again back down to obvious choices, and others a bit less obvious.

Moon is friend and idol, NSH greatly respects her for her ability to lead their local group and her kind nature... Wind is also just generally in the friend category for NSH.

Pebbles and Innocence are in basically the same category of friend’s who NSH enjoys riling up and antagonizing. As well he likes to get away with flustering Pebbles... Don’t think I didn’t take notice of who was the one delivering the catboi outfit thankyou...

Suns as well, relatively simple. I think as well that NSH and Suns are in a situation where they have a bond that they view as familial. Otherwise NSH is much the same with Suns as pretty much everyone else. Friend that he likes to tease and rile up. Engage with a bit of petty annoying. Sibling bother moments really actually. And some dislike because NSH has to clean up far too many of Suns mistakes sometimes.

Speaking of Suns, of course they’re the next one whose relationship web is next. Again I won’t talk so much about the views to them, just their side of things.

Pebbles is the standout been real, and again. I think the two feel like it’s some sort of familial thing. Honorary as all get all. Like friends, like family. With some annoyance that trades back and forth as well. Suns does agree that Pebbles could be a bit... ungrateful at times... which not speaking for themself really.

The relationship to NSH as well, family, friend and then a touch of admiration. I’ve highlighted it as a squish here for one reason and one reason alone though. My Suns has some real struggles with their relationship skills. And they cling and can be much about them.

At least they have some simple relationships as well right? The idolization of Sliver and just a casual friendship with Wind. Nothing really deep to say about those.

Also Suns totally has a squish from their side towards Moon. They want to be able to get to know her, talk to her... but she isn’t shy about been disapproving so Suns does have some... dislike. As well some of it is bleed-over from her perceived less than great handling with Pebbles. Which is really a misunderstanding mess.

Just going to drop a simple one in the middle here. Sliver of Straw doesn’t have that many relationships to run through.

She looks up to NSH in a very distant... heard his reputation on the chats way. What that reputation is... well anyone’s guess really. I just think it’s an amusing thought really.

And Moon, again, there’s a squish, bit more obvious of a crush on Sliver’s end and some admiration. Sliver was in my headcanon never a group senior, so the fact Moon is really impressed her. Pity she wasn’t really good at socializing so nothing could come of these basic emotions.

Innocence is the next one I will talk about and there’s some... funny stuff here, and some not so funny stuff as well.

Again immediately, I like the thought of Innocence having a doomed hero worship and crush on Moon, that just... won’t ever be reciprocated. Sorry Innocence, you have been identified as sibling shaped in return. Speaking of sibling shaped, the sheer petty sibling vibes between Inno and Pebbles is off the charts. Your honor, I love them.

Also sibling shaped is Inno’s relationship with Wind. Kind of a basic honorarly siblings through friendship situation there.... Also basic, Innocence just, doesn’t vibe with Suns, meanwhile they basically have, no opinion back.

NSH is just your standard friendship with annoyance privileges I thought I would have more to say, but Innocence actually has a fairly basic web and feelings to go with it. Even if poor Suns is just, irrationally despised by her. I do have an idea of why, but it’s kind of tied to, informed opinion by someone else... and witnessing events.

Finally we have WIND.

Oh boy, Wind has only a few basic emotions and relationships as a result. Casual friendship with Suns, the honorary siblingship with Innocence... their mutual dislike for Pebbles. Which is just an issue of clashing temperaments more than anything else. Also this is personal choice for it.

Moon and NSH both share a friendship with Wind, but Wind also threads those friendships with a bit of standoff... a touch of dislike. Or unease almost. It’s not really big, but I do think Wind worries sometimes, or feels the tension in the group a lot more than not...

Also Sliver. Wind admires her for the solution, despises the fallout of it and then ends up hating her for doing it.

Wind is both simple and complicated at the same time as a result.

[cassandrajoybellbittner]

*Warning Adult Content*

HE FEELS THE SAME - Chapter 5

Alek

I've been stuck in the peace river pack grounds for over a week now, Kaya, one of the housekeepers had suggested I ask around to find out if I could tag along on a hunting trip.

I've left the pack-house area a few times to check on the building project and each time I went there were more men, building materials and machines.     

'The humans wouldn't be done anytime soon.'

A sigh left my lips as I thought about it, as humans kept expanding in words on wildlife there was less and less ground to hide in.

I remember having to move up the mountain with my pack when I was younger because humans were becoming a regular sight at the mountain's foot.   

"Will you be having dinner with us?"

I stood up straight a bit taken aback by the voice of a lady speaking to me, my shoulders relaxed when I noted who she was.

She was one of the Omegas that had household duties... Kaya, Ahote's close friend.   

"Yes," I answered before looking away from her to stare back into the garden in front.

I was standing at the small balcony attached to the living room upstairs, a handful of people were in the garden and some of them were in their wolf forms helping to dig holes and move logs.

Ahote was squatting beside some plants in the distance, the young wolf that usually tagged along with him was squatting beside him and holding on to Ahote's kid as the child played with the wilting wildflower in his hands.

I couldn't help noticing how the teen's eyes gleamed as Ahote spoke to him, I looked away, feeling uncomfortable.     

"Len adores Ahote."

I frown, looking to my side to find the lady from before hadn't left, she smiled at me, grabbing on to the railings before looking down at the gardens as well.

"He keeps going on about asking Ahote to be with him."

The woman laughed, letting me catch a glimpse of her gap tooth.

"He's just sixteen he'll find a mate and forget everything about his crush," Kaya went on even though I didn't contribute to the conversation. 

'Ah.' I thought, looking back at Ahote and Len again.

'It makes sense,' I thought as I locked eyes with Len and he immediately frowned before looking away.

If Ahote meant that much to him, a confused mate-less wolf that was attracted to Ahote would annoy him, no doubt.     

"You too."

My brow went up in confusion and I turn my head to look at Kaya and she just smiled on at me, her short hair moving to the side as she cocked her head at me.     

"You adore him too," she said, making me nod and look away, I finally understood what she meant.

Yes, I did like Ahote, not that I could really explain why, I just knew I did.

I immediately gravitated towards him when I walked into a room.

I liked talking to him, though timid he knew when to put his foot down.

I saw this in his interactions with other wolves, high and low ranking alike. 

He has been avoiding me for a while and it was frustrating.

He had guessed Ahote was worried about his heat but that had passed a few days ago or maybe Ahote was just overwhelmed and shy.

He wasn't blind, if everyone else in the pack could tell I had my eyes set on Ahote, he could too.     

"Are you still going to join the hunters for their trip later this week?" Kaya asked me, making me look away from the group in the garden.

She kept reminding me that the hunting group was taking a trip into town across later in the week.

It didn't bother me and I did want to go, I'd need some things from the town across and it was a good thing to get familiar with other wolves in the pack.

It seems like I'd be staying here for a while, weeks, months, maybe even a whole year if the humans were slow about their business in the construction site.     

I nodded, watching as the lady smiled, saying something I couldn't catch under her breath before walking away, I smiled as I watched her leave before looking back at the garden when she was out of sight.   

Ahote was in a whole different area of the garden now, he was squatting beside a bush and clawing at it with his gloved hands and Len helped him place plants into the holes.

I wanted to be down there as well but I don't think Ahote wanted me there at all, it wasn't wise to corner him and make him uncomfortable.     

A sigh left my lips as I let go of the iron rails before stepping back and tucking my hands into the pocket of my jeans.

I looked out beyond the garden, into the middle of nowhere, I didn't have a passport or anything, I was traveling like an animal, sneaking into boats and walking for miles on end.

Even if I wanted to turn back now it wouldn't be an option, I've found something that's caught my interest.

My gaze moved back to Ahote and the rest before I looked away again and I started to wonder about his nameless mate.

I just knew he had one and said mate had rejected him although they had a child.   

For the past few days, I've had a lot of questions floating around in my head.

Like why was Lupa so high ranking and Ahote so low ranking?

Why was religion so important here?

Why did Ahote's mate vanish out of nowhere?

Kia, the omega that attended to me in my room was very talkative and I didn't have to ask her anything for her to talk about information she thought I would be interested in.

She had answered my first question in one of her rambling spells, telling me that Ahote was a recessive omega, that made sense, two omega genes equaled an omega.

One omega gene and one Kappa gene in Lupa's case equaled a Kappa, no matter how much Kia rambled on about every and anything she never really dived into the details of Ahote's mate.

I knew nothing about him, I didn't know his age his rank or what he was doing with his life now that he had cut connections with the pack. 

I left the balcony, retreating to my room with the questions running through my head.

Later in the evening, I was called out for dinner, the living room and kitchen were packed as usual, the same for the front porch and the picnic tables right outside.

It seemed everyone was eating in the main house today.   

"Is something going on?" I asked in a low tone when Kaya handed me a plate of food, she frowned a bit, probably not hearing me before her eyes went wide and she muttered a small 'oh.'     

"Ah, someone's back today," she said with a grin before walking away and leaving me to stare on at her in confusion.

When she disappeared out of sight I sighed as my shoulders sagged, I really didn't like how noisy the place was, especially since I was the odd one out, as always.

Making my way out of the kitchen and into the living room, I squinted, trying to see if I could find Ahote in the crowd, I couldn't, it was most mostly mid to high ranking wolves that occupied the area.

A frown formed on my face when I felt a little shiver run down my spine and it was then I noticed someone was staring at me, I turned, looking away immediately when I saw who it was, Ahote's brother.     

I tried my best to blend in but that didn't fool him, soon I had a strong painful grip on my shoulder as words were whispered against my ear. 

"Follow me." It wasn't a request, it was a demand, a command.

With some hesitance, I follow him out of the living room and out into the patio, I immediately sensed that everyone sitting outside was a hunter or watcher.

The laughter seemed to die when Lupa walked out with me, the sound of our feet on the wooden flooring resounded through the evening, competing with the sound of the crickets and croaking toads.

The air was chilly still, I could see my breath in the wind and I tried to look at anything but the other wolves, I heard footsteps in the background and soon they stopped.

"I heard you're following us into town later this week?" I heard Lupa's voice say.

I looked up, staring straight at him before I gave him a brief nod, he had his guard up like he was ready to pick a fight and it seemed like everyone sitting around the porch could tell too.     

The porch was silent again and I thought that was the end of it until Lupa spoke up again.

"Do you have any hunting experience?"' Lupa asked, his tone coming off a little condensing, I found myself clenching my jaw at his attitude, he was being a little bit overbearing.     

"Yes, I was the headhunter in my pack," I said, watching as the man's eyes seemed to dim.

It didn't look like he was expecting that, I was a rouge now but people could guess I was of some mid to high ranking from my stature and stench alone but often leaders weren't cast out, I hadn't been, I left on my own.     

"Well then," Lupa said with a fake smile plastered on his face. he'd made a shaky blow trying to probe me and he knew it.   

"What's your deal with my brother?" the question was blunt and so straight to the point that it took me off guard a bit.

"Well, what is it? Are you trying to sleep with him?"

"Lupa...." 

"Leave me alone," the man groaned, dismissing the call from one of the other men, he turned his attention back to me before walking over and stopping right in front of me.

Lupa was tall but not as tall as me, I have a feeling he was just noticing this because I saw the brief expression of worry before his eyes were fueled with suspicion again.   

"What do you think it is?" I asked and I seemed to only anger him more while surprising everyone else on the porch, it looked like he was going to pounce on me, but he backed away, cursing under his breath before he turned and stomped away.

He was calling out to his brother as he disappeared out of sight and that was the only thing that bothered me about the exchange, if I cared about what anyone thought, it was Ahote.     

For the rest of the night, I wandered about the house feeling tense and worried, I couldn't find Ahote anywhere and a part of me pushed me to stop looking for him.

When the dining room, living room and porch cleared out I retreated to my room, trying to think about the interaction I had with Lupa.

I sighed, resting my head against the pillow on my bed as I looked up at the wall, I had no idea why I did any of that.     

I sat up when I heard the door to my room open and frowned when I didn't see anyone at first but my eyes went wide when I noticed the child that wandered into my room.

Elan looked at me and I looked at him, the four-year-old looked like he was caught red-handed doing something that he shouldn't, I just had to figure out what.     

"Are you looking for something?" I asked and the child's lips parted before he closed his mouth and shook his head.

I rose a brow at him, watching as he stepped behind the door he had opened to hide behind it, he didn't leave though and I wondered if he thought I'd go to sleep or vanish into thin air if he waited a little bit longer.

"Elan..." the rate of heartbeat picked up, at the sound of that voice, Ahote's voice.

The man came into view as he pulled his child against him, he was frowning, I rarely saw him upset, this was new.

He knelt down, picking the child up before standing up again, it was when he was about to leave the room that he noticed I was there, just staring at them.

I caught his gaze with mine and he looked away quickly, standing there just like his son had just a few minutes ago, so still and quiet, like if he didn't say anything I would just disappear.     

"Your brother is really rude," I said, watching as the man looked over at me.

I bit down on my bottom lip, humming as I tried to compose myself, my mind was a house of madness, I haven't been this close to him in a while and it was driving me crazy.   

"Well, usually it's irritating but you..." he trailed, looking away from me to the floor.

His child just watched both of us, staying quiet as his father tried to find the words to say.     

"I what?" I asked, gripping on the bedsheet the covered the mattress I was sitting on.

I watched as Ahote chewed on his lip, probably trying to find the right words to say.   

"You scare me," he admitted and my heart sank butt I tried to force myself to smile but I was sure I looked ridiculous.

Ahote was now running a hand through his child's hair, he was half inside and half outside the room I had been aside and was probably wondering if there was a way he could leave without seeming rude.   

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to," I sighed, hugging myself as I looked over at Ahote and his kid.

"I can't help it," I added, watching as he nodded at me before looking down at the wooden floorboards again.

I pushed back strands of my blond hair, watching him fidget at my door.

He still had his hair down, his face covered with his hair that he had chosen to weave some beads into today, he looked great but I probably couldn't tell him that without coming off as creepy.   

"This is embarrassing," I muttered under my breath, examining my predicament, I was lusting after someone and everyone within two feet of me could tell from just observing me.

"You must have had this happen to you a lot of times. People finding you attractive, that is. I'm not excusing my behavior but just trying to explain..." I trailed off.

Ahote looked uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed, maybe I shouldn't have brought any of this up but it was too late.

"People must gawk for your attention a lot. Your Mate..."     

"No, not really," Ahote said, cutting me off, his words had been firm and they seemed finaI, I could catch that he didn't want to talk about this and if I pushed any further he'd have nothing to do with me again.     

"Sorry," I mumbled and the room went silent, seconds, then a minute passed and I wondered what the man was still doing at the door with his son, wasn't he desperate to leave?

He had the chance to do that now.     

"I'm sorry."

I looked him straight in the eye, frowning a bit as I wondered what he was apologizing for.

"I'm sorry about my brother, I'm sorry about Elan coming here to bother you and I'm sorry for being so cold to you lately. It's just... All this is very strange and overwhelming."

I listened to him, trying to understand what he meant, I licked my lips, cocking my head to the side as I observed it.     

"I'm not the only one feeling this way, am I?" I asked and he looked over at me before looking away again.

He didn't deny or confirm it but the red tint in his cheeks gave him away.   

"Maybe not," he whispered, looking at me with his deep brown eyes before stepping out of my room with his child and closing the door behind them.

Immediately after they left, I lay back on my bed, looking up at the ceiling as I tried to process what had just happened.     

'He feels the same way?' I asked myself, frowning as I tried to process it, did he?

Maybe mine was just more intense because it was the first time for me. 

'Is it possible that this isn't one-sided, that I'm not imagining things?'

Thoughts kept swimming in my head as my chest tightened and relaxed as my wolf stirred and moved.

The dream catcher at my room's window rattled with the wind and I spent the rest of my night arguing with myself in my head about whether this was a chance I should take or not.

[videobobbo]

Detoxing

I’ve used this Tumblr, since returning, to kind of back-door vent frustrations about my old WoW guild. It was a social situation that went poorly, people who treated me poorly and bristled when they were called out on how their behavior looked to others and affected other people, and I made the right decision to bail, take the folks who had been chafed by them away with me, and start our own thing.

But it has bugged me a lot in the 8-9 months since.

Learning I’m on the spectrum has actually made it pretty easy to see why, at least partially - it’s a hyperfixation for me. I have a strong sense that what I did is right and was good, and I’ve held that up for the time since I left. The hope in my mind, in some ways, is that things would get better - I would never want to go back, but I had at least held out some small hope that maybe things would blow over, that they’d recognize their position and role in the exodus and come around with some apologies or mending.

They haven’t, obviously, and I know they won’t now, but it was a good hope.

For my part, I’ve been annoyed enough about it to write about it in brief on my actual gaming blog, not a lot, but it’s been referenced twice since we left at least, and my most recent one, I admitted in the post it was a petty victory lap - that I had seen them whittle their raid size from 26 to 11 in the space of 1.5 tiers of raiding, and that maybe it would have been wise to heed my requests. Honestly, the funniest thing about the whole exodus is that if they had apologized to the people they hurt, even just an insincere half-baked one, they could have avoided the whole thing. But they couldn’t fucking do it!

This upset Tim, their raid leader, and he left me a comment under a fake name and email on that post. I know it was him because I know where he lives (by his invitation, not like in a doxxy bad way lol) and he’s literally the only person I know from that place, which is the same place the IP address that left the comment came from. The comment also had his mannerisms, like being so far up his own ass that no light can be seen, and some specific turns of phrase he has used before in this situation. He told me I was full of shit, that I was delusional, that my whole narrative was playing the victim to the “evil” guild, that he had receipts of me shit-talking my current guildies, and that he hoped I “grew up” and “found some self-worth.”

I won’t lie, I was sort of irritated and bothered by it at first.

Regardless of thinking I made the right call and did the right thing, I think it is a good character trait of mine that I consider the viewpoint of the opposing side to my own, that I put myself into his shoes and think about how it might have felt and what he might have thought. I don’t have to come to agree or find his case compelling, just to think through it and understand the place it comes from the best I can. Ultimately, conflict always bothers me, and since we left, there’s been little actual conflict, so it flaring up again did ring that bell in my brain. I also know that I was being a little antagonistic - like, I’m not going to say I wasn’t poking them with that post - I obviously was. I have my justification for it and I would stand by it, but I was absolutely taking my shots after they had taken so many at me. It was a part of a bigger analysis that stepped far outside of that conflict, of course, but the core of it as the post I wrote unfolded became about the topic of guild recruitment and player group formation through the lens of how they’d met with challenges and how Tim’s recruitment post was a good example of a bad and poorly-conceived attempt to bring in new blood.

But then I thought about it, and the thing that sort of amused me is that he answered nothing I had to say about the leadership he had exhibited since I left. Literally nothing. It was empty pot-shots at me, a demonstrated lack of reading comprehension, vague and empty threats, and childish projection (if I didn’t have self-worth, I’d still be in your raid group, pal!). The more I considered it, thought honestly about what he was trying to say and trying to do, the more I realized he was just being a dick - in the time since we all left, he hadn’t considered in the slightest that he might have been even 1% in the wrong, and all he can do is point fingers, mostly at me, and claim that I am the villain of the story - scheming in the shadows (a literal thing he included), planning behind everyone’s backs, not doing anything to help the situation (I mean, we had a literally 5-hour long text conversation about the issues which should still exist in the old Discord, but hey), and he basically just wanted to vent. Which, like, whatever, I think you’re wrong and I think I can substantiate my claim much better than you can, but go off, I suppose.

Where I think he genuinely made a point, though, was in the self-worth thing. Not how he intended it, obviously, but there was a part of it that stuck with me.

In the months that have passed since we left, I’ve been hyperfixated on their activity. I generally know when they kill bosses, I know when they have roster changes, I see their raids whittling away because I look, I’ve watched them push people out by being assholes on video. In my head, I wanted and needed that justification that I had done the right thing - that I wasn’t just chasing shadows or inventing some larger cultural rot within their structure, but I wanted that hard evidence to give me the calming that I thought I needed. Of course, the fact that enough people agreed to come with me even when I hadn’t broached the topic as being about some guild conflict or behavioral issue should have been enough, and the way they behaved when we bailed should also have been enough, but you know, sometimes you just need those layers of peace. But the thing I realize now is that I wasn’t getting peace from it.

I was paying attention to them while doing my own thing, and sure, they were churning and burning raiders left and right. Sure, they had already needed to open recruiting less than halfway into the expansion. My points and ideas were being proven bit by bit. But knowing that wasn’t giving me any comfort. I would laugh a bit and remark to myself that I had made the right call, I would sometimes show stream footage to people I trusted and get that validation of my view on the matter, but then I kept wanting more. I hadn’t reached a point where I felt that peace, and instead, I just wanted to see more evidence. It was past the point of being useful or validating.

On some level, I can acknowledge that I made the right call, and no one with me has ever questioned that. But in my ASD-addled brain, it was never enough. I wanted more, more validation that I did a decent thing and that it had improved the situation for my people. I knew I had handled aspects of the issues poorly over the years - I’ve never hid from that. Most times I reference the issue at all start, end, and are laced with callouts of myself - that I could have done more, better, and more directly, and I failed on that level. In the end, I could have done a lot better, but I ultimately still had a good guiding truth leading me to my course of action and while I regret aspects of that path, it ultimately led to a better place and removed some layers of the tension for a lot of folks. I’ll never regret the outcome of those actions, even while I can acknowledge that the path could have been a better one.

But of course, the tricky thing is that Tim will never acknowledge that I have been open to that extent, that I apologized multiple times including going in-person to him to do that. He always pushes to resolve things in private and in voice chat, and I know now that is done because he doesn’t want a record. If things go pear-shaped for him, he can just throw the other person under the bus - “they didn’t even try to fix things!” - and, conveniently for him, my chats with him are private or locked in officer channels and in-person, so he can poison the well and move on. I don’t think he’s a master manipulator or anything of the sory, god forbid - he’s just reading-averse and would prefer to not have a trail for this kind of thing. He even made people delete VODs of blowups and assholery in the past, which is the kind of level of shady I should have known was not to be taken seriously or trusted.

I know that any vague threat Tim makes about receipts of me shit-talking current guildies would be like 3 years old and also very minor raid leadership notes - plus, like, even if he wanted to share his “truth” with people, how was he going to do it? Crawling back through officer chat in the game client or scrolling and searching years of Discord chat would be silly, stupid, and probably blow up in his face - assuming again that there even was anything, it would look incredibly small-minded and petty to go back 2-3 years of chat to find a couple of soft comments about group compositions or performance, and I’ve discussed those issues with people in my group as is! The only intent he could even have is to hurt other people with that, which is an interesting thing, because it wouldn’t hurt me as much as anyone else involved, and he doesn’t even want most of my raiders back, so it just feels like a pointless bit of assholery. I’m pretty sure even he knows this, because he made the idle threat and claimed the screenshots exist, but hasn’t made any effort I can see to drop them, whatever they would even be.

This whole situation was a great object lesson in how I might handle conflicts going forward, what I did right and wrong and how I can work with other people to get a better outcome. It’s also a great lesson in when my interlocutor isn’t interested in the truth or finding agreement as much as they are just “winning,” whatever form that takes. 

But the biggest thing I am learning is that it is also a lesson in when I need to step away from pains and issues I have, when being right and justified and finding more evidence of it is just not going to serve me well. I made my case, publicly and privately. I’ve provided evidence through screenshots and contemporaneous accounts of conversations I had with people to attempt to mend fences before I decided the fence could not be fixed. To my foes on the other side, it was never going to be enough, and even as I’ve gained new, neutral evidence of the issues I presented being everpresent even as they deny it, it was never going to be enough to provide that new evidence. All they wanted - all Tim wanted - was compliance. Shut your mouth and raid, or don’t, we don’t care. You can’t stop us from being assholes, so don’t even try, because somehow, trying to stop that made me the bigger asshole in their eyes. 

For the last 9 months I’ve let myself be embroiled in brain poison. I watched VODs, I watched their raid roster kill to kill, observed how they play and how they behave. It completely validated my take on them, but that doesn’t really matter in any real sense. It hurt to watch, and it kept tearing open the wounds of that period.

The thing I noted early and then stopped noting is that a big part of early Shadowlands for me was trying to meet them where they were. I wanted to be friendly, I wanted people to like me, and I tried really hard to enmesh myself with them so that I could maybe, just maybe, change the culture from within. At a point, I thought Tim was maybe a friend. We had talked about meeting for lunch sometime, hanging out, I wanted things to be good, and I took that responsibility seriously. And I can also acknowledge that me changing my mind after things went poorly, calling him out, was probably something that hurt him because of that. It’s not an outcome I wanted, obviously, but at the same time, it had hurt me to see him be so dismissive of my take and my asks. We don’t have that much in common and it would probably never have been a meaningful friendship in that way anyways, but I had been game to try. I defended him to my friends, because that needed to happen since he was a tiresome individual. When we were co-raid leading, he had been excluded from a single Mythic Plus run that made him call out the guild as not “behaving like a guild” and then leave Discord and the game for 3 months! - he was hard to deal with, even often at his best. But I still tried.

I did achievement runs and dungeons with people I would come to loathe, the main irritants that kept pushing people out both before and after my new group left, because I was making a good faith effort to integrate with the group. I tried really hard to put aside past judgments and observations and just hang out. I succeeded at times, but that just made it sting more when things went bad.

I self-flagellated into going back after I first left in the summer of 2021, pushed myself to try and make it right, but it was very obvious in hindsight that they were never going to make that effort with me. I apologized to Tim, but he never apologized to me. I apologized to the guild, but I was never welcomed back by the core that remains in the old guild. They didn’t need to roll out the red carpet, but after a few months of steady raiding and playing with them, they could at least have tried to be friendly. And I know now that I misjudged a lot of them in that early Shadowlands era, thought better of them than they were. That’s not a thing I say lightly either, like I’m not trying to rack up points here. I wanted to befriend them, they weren’t willing to make the effort in kind, they made that clear when shit hit the fan, but I was the hopeless optimist still trying. I gave up, obviously - I stopped playing in November 2021, uninstalled the game in December that same year, and I kept it out of my system until October 2022.

But I tried.

In the end, the thing I have learned most is that I need to detox better - that I need to learn when to expel the poison and leave it all behind. I’ve let the poison sit in my veins for months, even years now, and I’ve kept adding more through my attempts to justify an already soundly-justified decision. In the end, constantly shooting up with more poison has only left me feeling sick and tired. Tim’s little diatribe, his complete lack of reflection, actually did offer me something beneficial - the knowledge that I was never going to find peace down the old road. Poking and prodding them, justified though I believe it to be, was never going to make them apologize to me or anyone else. Watching them from afar and remarking upon their issues was never going to make me feel any better - it was just going to annoy me that they had chosen to not listen to me and pretend everything was just great. I wanted a clean break, I got one, but then I insisted on dragging the old dirt with me. It’s pointless and something I should not have done, but I wanted that justification in the wake of all their finger-pointing and conflict - to know I had been right. And I was, but being right wasn’t enough. Watching them self-destruct has been somewhat satisfying but that satisfaction has been empty. I took my victory lap but it also made me sad for the people I do like, stuck on the sinking ship. Of course, they’re not stuck - a fair few could reach out to me anytime and I would pull them off in seconds.

But I can’t constantly subject myself to streams, VODs, watching the roster week-to-week on RIO for each kill, and keep thinking about it, letting it hog my brain space on a daily basis. The hardest part of letting go is letting go, knowing that I’ll never get the things I think I should in terms of apologies or polite conversation, but continuing to think about it isn’t going to suddenly manifest any of that.

So I’ve said my last piece, let the poison boil in my veins one last time. I’m done looking at them, peering in from the distance. I am focused on me, on my group, on being the best leader I can be and the best person I can be for my own benefit. Good luck to them and good riddance.

[lovesickramblingsofmine]

Things are going on

A stream-of-consciousness-type and rambling post about what is currently going on in my love-life. Frankly unfitting and childish for a 21-yo.

Varning: Entirely unedited

My mind has gone and done it again. Clearly it hasn't caught up to the fact I'm too old to be catching crushes like honey catches flies. Who is it this time then comes the rhetorical question.

Why someone who I've met all of three times of course. And even that is giving my mind too much credit 'cuz the crush had crept it's little claws into me by the first day anyway.

We just so happened to end up as the only two people our age in a car and she got to chatting about a book she wished she'd brought to the hour-long trip. A book I just so happened to have heard good things about so I said as much. So we started discussing reading in general, and thus that hour-long ride passed to conversation.

Now here's the thing about this girl, I think I would find her annoying if I didn't happen to also find her quite cute. She does this thing that my ex also used to do where she will force some personal information or opinion into a conversation. Making the conversation be about her in spite of what was already being discussed.

The plausible excuse my mind makes for this is that this behavior is very standard in the club where I've met her. Most everyone will do that very same thing and I'd like to think that not all of them are that way naturally.

She's a very physically capable person, the farmer's-daughter-type, which contrasts greatly with my generally techy and nerdy personality. In that way she is more alike my brother than one might like but that clearly hasn't given my mind any pause.

The reason we were both at the club at the time was that we're all building and preparing for an international competition the club hosts. And to be quite frank I have been looking forward to going there mainly to see her again, despite the main reason for me being there is to act as trainer as I usually would.

From the very partial lens with which I view this whole situation I feel like she has been seeking me out there. Like she has been close by a statistically unusual amount considering she's supposedly been building. These thoughts remain despite me telling my mind to curb its expectations.

To view this whole ordeal from another - very indulgent - angle I feel like she has been quite physically close, let me elaborate; at one point I was standing keeping an eye on an athlete (the sport in question is performed solo) and was thus very focused. During this time she walked by placing her hand on the small of my back, causing me to yelp in surprise and spin around to see what had touched me. After I'd done so we just sort of locked eyes for a full second though I can't way I could get any kind of read of the vibe at all, in hindsight I wish I'd smiled at least a little 'cus after all I didn't really mind.

On another note we got into this whole play-fight thing about me being ticklish where I was trying to stop her from tickling me obviously. Now this does not feel like something that people around the age of twenty do in general. However all of this could very well just be her way of being since I haven't seen her interact with anyone beside the athletes who she knows since before and are a few years younger. Though I don't think she was being particularly touchy with them either.

It should probably be said that the way she is connected to the club isn't as an athlete nor trainer but instead the older sister of one of the athletes in the group for which I'm a trainer. Further adding to the possible awkwardness in case things get weird between the two of us is that her - and by extension her little sister's - mother is also a trainer in this same group.

Something else my mind thinks is of note is that the very first interaction we had - waiting by the car for the aforementioned hour-long ride - started with her asking me my age, even before exchanging names which is a little strange. And when it comes to the ages I'd say she would be on the lower end of the age-range I could acceptably date (very aware this thinking isn't doing me any favors), like people out ages can date without it being strange even though I usually find myself being a little less lenient with age-ranges than that due to my usual role as trainer or leader.

Lastly - I think - of note for now is that when I left the club the last time I saw her, at which point we were both aware we would be unlikely to meet again for quite a while there was this moment of prolonged eye contact during which my mind read hesitation of her expression. Like we were both quietly hoping the other would propose we exchange numbers or something, though this could veeeery well be my mind running with the smallest of barely-hint.

At this point I've had to accept that I likely won't see her again for many months unless she shows up with her sister and mother to a training which would be the very first time she has done so since I started there. To be frank I hope she does but I also think I'm sort of silly for thinking those thoughts.

Thus concludes my ramblings for the moment. I'm losing my mind a little but at the same time feeling very alive.

[toburnup]

Bitch!!! (even more affectionate than before) I'm glad that my disorganized ramblings made you happy today. It's so funny, I also have ADHD and was poor while growing up. I was thinking long and hard *giggles* about the whole "how would it work?" with the class difference issues between Eddie and Steve, and to be honest, I think it totally would because Steve is at heart a good person. Even when he was an asshole at school he wasn't really an active bully, his problem was more of the "doing nothing to stop his bully friends", which is still pretty bad, but I think because of his upbringing he was his whole life concerned about how he was perceived. I think during the Ahoy! phase he came very close to reality like you said, he voiced a massive issue like it was not a big deal to someone he (at this point) considered inferior for being in a band. He said to Robin that his daddy was punishing him by forcing him to work (which is such a rich boy thing to say), but he also stated that he has no future, and he completely believes that, which is heartbreaking. He just doesn't know that in the 80's you could be almost anything without a degree, but all of the things he could be good at, are surely discarded as "not real careers" or not important work by his father. He could be a good counselor for troubled kids and so many other things... But getting back to the rich boy issue, I have some good friends that came from wealth, and when they are good at heart, the main issue is that they literally just don't know how other people live. One time a friend asked me if I liked a particular dress that much, and I said "Why do you think I like it so much?" he answered "you always wear the same thing" so I told him "I don't have money to buy more clothes" and he was stunned, like, the thought of someone not having money for clothes never graced his brain, and he immediately apologized. It is annoying to have to explain to grown-ass people the poor's way of life, but when they are good, just ignorant, it's worth it sometimes. Steve is willing to rectify his wrongdoings, always, which is a hard-to-find quality, he apologized to Dustin when he went too far with the teeth joke, he learned a special handshake with him (not related but sweet). He was going to apologize to Jonathan and bought him a new camera... (1/2)

omg. we're both rambling and i love it. i'm going to write out an answer for this one and then address ur second (THOUGHT PROVOKING) message after i take a nap.

i had such a similar thing with a coworker who asked me why i was always rotating the same outfits, and it's like ????? you think i just do this for fun? or one time, a friend said it was gross to rewear an item of clothing before washing it. i would literally run out of clothes so fast if i did that!! and laundromats are the fucking worst. anyway.

all of the things he could be good at, are surely discarded as "not real careers" or not important work by his father.

this makes sense, and there's also the gendered nature of it all - the things steve would probably be good at were probably jobs that were thought of to be for women (i mean this as a compliment to steve).

i do consider steve to have been an active bully in school, his interaction with jonathan is pretty much just that (keep in mind here that i grew up in a small, super white town and was bullied for being gay and ~of colour~ so i have a lot of fun baggage). his friends may have egged him on but ultimately he (the writers) went there. i think that scene would look very different if the writers knew they'd be keeping steve around. i write steve as a reformed bully (good at heart! dickhead in school), cause he was pretty much the ringleader there, but i know others write him differently and i enjoy reading other takes on his character.

with using a narrative lens of steve being bi, it definitely changes perspective because it comes off as steve projecting onto jonathan instead (which is the way i went in the 2nd chapter of we're bending and we're breaking) and makes their whole relationship more nuanced. which, ultimately, is a more interesting way to engage with the show (urgh sorry for meta talk).

cans open, worms... everywhere.

[loove-persevering]

After All These Years (Druig x Eternal! Reader) SERIES Prologue

Prologue The First Polaroid

Note: I wrote this reader insert that I want to turn into a series! when I wrote this I mainly wrote it as femReader! Let me know if you want to be tagged in future parts:) Reader has the ability to control plants and other forms of nature grown things:)

Even though you were an eternal things got boring sometimes, I mean we lived for millions of years and just waited for things like Deviants to even have anything to do. And there was downtime every once in a while and everyone used it to their advantage to rest, except Thena of course. Today everyone was doing their own thing and you had hit a brick wall that was boredom, so logically you decided to bug Phastos for the fun of it. His mind was constantly working making inventions beyond the time we were in, he had to have something fun that could help you enjoy your time and keep you out of trouble. ‘’Is it done yet?’’ You ask him.

The glare on his face said it all as he looked over at you, ‘’You wanna build it?’’ He ask you the sarcasm dripping from his voice. ‘’That’s what I thought,’’ He says to you shaking his head and you just give him a grin, ‘’Working on my off day,’’ He mutters. You knew he wasn’t actually annoyed, after thousands of years together Phastos had learned your mind was always moving and he tried to help keep you entertained when he could and although he would never admit it he enjoyed the challenge. ‘’Where’s lover boy?’’ He asks you.

‘’I do not know what you are referring to,’’ You say to him.

‘’Yeah you don’t know what I’m talking about at all,’’ He says exaggeratedly.

‘’Not a clue,’’ You say, leaning back crossing your arms over your chest. Of course you did know but you weren’t gonna admit anything. Druig and you had some sort of friendship or relationship going on but you didn’t know exactly what to call it. You acted like a couple but you weren’t one, and honestly you were too afraid to ask him what you were. It has been thousands of years in the making with him, you had always felt a connection with Druig and he agreed he felt the same thing with you but it seemed like both of you were to cowardice enough to make things official. So whatever this was is fine for the time being, maybe one day things would change and he’d want more but getting him to express it was the problem. Everyone else could tell you were all in, you were always drawing pictures of Druig in your sketchbook, giving him flowers you had grown from the wave of a hand, always looking for him after a fight with a deviant needing to see that he was safe even though you knew he could handle himself.

‘’Alright it’s done,’’ Phastos says, interrupting you from your thoughts. You jumped up from where you were sitting running over to him eagerly as he held whatever he had invented behind his back. ‘’You can use this to take photos of things and once you take the photo it will print it out right here,’’ He says pulling it out from behind his back and in front of you was what would be known in the future as a polaroid camera. ‘’So aim look through this lens here,’’ He says pointing at the small little box near the top of the camera, ‘’You can see what your gonna take a picture of and then hit this button to capture it.’’ He explains to you, ‘’If it’s dark this little part right here will pop up and it lights up like a flash so you can take pictures in darker places.’’ He tells you.

‘’Oh wow Phastos,’’ You say to him, taking the camera from his hands, ‘’This is amazing,’’ You say, admiring it. ‘’Thank you so much!’’ You tell him practically knocking him over, embracing him in a hug, ‘’This is perfect,’’ You tell him gratefully.

‘’Yeah so now you can’t say I never did anything for ya,’’ He says.

‘’Okay pose,’’ you tell him, bringing the camera up to your eye, closing one to see through the small lens. ‘’I have to test it out, may as well make the first picture taken with it the inventor,’’ He groans but stands still for the picture anyway giving you a soft smile and you click the button at the top and you hear a noise from the camera, ‘’Is that it?’’ You ask him. You pull the camera away from your face and watch the picture print out from the bottom, ‘’Where is your face at?’’ You ask him not noticing anything on photo.

‘’It has to develop, give it time,’’ He tells you as you take the picture out of the camera. Phastos comes over taking the photo out of your hand, ‘’This strip right here has chemicals in it, when the photo rolls out of the camera it squeezes those chemicals across the area where the photo is going to show up and once then the chemicals set in and your photo appears.’’ He tells you referring to the large white strip toward the bottom of the camera.

‘’Woah,’’ You say, leaning closer into the picture, noticing Phastos face start to appear. He hands the photo back to you. He also hands you a couple packs to take with you so it’ll last you a few weeks, but you feel like it’ll be more like days you wanted to take pictures of everything.

‘’Alright I have other stuff I have to do, go have fun with that,’’ He tells you. You thank him once again before heading out down the halls of the Domo watching the picture get brighter and more colorful.

As you continued down the hall you saw Kingo walk out of his room, ‘’Kingo!’’ You yell at him and he jumps slightly at the booming sound of your voice echoing in the hallway. ‘’Can I take your picture?’’ You ask him and hold up your camera. ‘’Phastos made it for me,’’ You tell him.

‘’I’ll never turn down a fan,’’ He says, his hands reaching up to fix the sides of his hair so they are smooth, he turns to face you with a smirk on his face and you pull the camera up to your face, smiling at the attitude he gives. The picture prints out and he comes over wanting to look at it as well, ‘’Well that’s a waste,’’ He says, noticing the same blank photo you had moments ago.

‘’You have to wait and then it will show up,’’ You tell him, you hand him the photo of Phastos, ‘’it took a few minutes but it’ll end up looking like this.’’ You tell him.

‘’Let me know when it’s finished I will sign it for you,’’ He says, handing the photo back to you. You roll your eyes playfully and hold the photo in your hand watching it as he leaves to head back down the hall.

You stared down at the two photos, this was no doubt the best thing Phastos had made you and you were going to get the best use out of it. ‘’Thena!’’ You yell out seeing her down the hall.

____

Hours later you were in your room and you had all your photos set out on the bed. There were pictures of Thena, Kingo, Makkari, Ikaris, Sersi, Sprite, and even Gilgamesh laid out in front of you. You had also taken pictures of your green room and all the flowers in there that you had been growing, you probably had taken about fifty pictures today and you only had one more pack left. Phastos was going to kill you when he found out you went through all of them in less than about 3 hours. The only person you hadn’t gotten a picture of was Druig, you hadn’t seen him all day which wasn’t odd for him some days he stuck to himself more.

An hour later you had almost finished hanging up all the pictures, they had been put on the wall in the order you had taken them, Kingo even stopped by and actually did sign the one you took of him which made it all the better. You had started from the bottom and made your way up for the photos so the last ones you were having trouble reaching, you stood on top of your bed trying to stand on the tip of your toes to put them up. ‘’What are you doing?’’ You hear Druigs voice call out.

You jumped at the sound turning around seeing him standing in the doorway of your room, ‘’Where have you been all day?’’ You ask him, smiling, finally happy to see him. He walks over to your bed sitting on the edge of it, you give up on hanging up the photo in your hand and walk across the bed to the edge where Druig was and plop down next to him, ‘’I missed you today,’’ You tell him.

‘’I had some things I was finishing up,’’ He tells you his hand reaching up to caress your cheek, and his hand slowly moves back to push your hair out of your face. You reach up with your hand grabbing his forearm giving it a squeeze, ‘’What’s all that?’’ He asks you.

You smiled at him eagerly, you had been wanting to show him all day. You ran over to your table grabbing the camera, ‘’Phastos made me a camera so I could take pictures!’’ You tell him, he didn’t even seem to be staring at the camera, just you smiling. You stand up positioning the camera in front of your eye, ‘’Smile please,’’ You tell him. He doesn’t even budge, ‘’Druig,’’ You say sternly, taking the camera down to glare at him. ‘’Act like you like me please,’’ You tell him, teasing him.

The faintest smile made its way across his face and you quickly put the camera back up, snapping the picture of him and it began to print out. You grab a hold of it and walk back over sitting next to him showing him, ‘’It’s so cool,’’ You say explaining to him how it worked. ‘’I took pictures all day,’’ He laughs at that, glancing back down at the picture, ‘’This one is special so I have to keep it in a special place,’’ You tell him. You walk over to the dresser you had in the room and pull out the small wooden little box you kept and slide the picture in it.

Druig looked at you suspiciously, ‘’What’s in there?’’ He asks standing up walking over toward you, your shrug in response. You hold the camera in one hand and Druig quickly but swiftly grabs the camera holding it out of your reach, you leap over him trying to grab it but he just holds it higher and further out of reach. ‘’My beautiful, beautiful Y/N,’’ He says and you couldn’t fight back the smile on your face, roll your eyes at him and look back at him and his amused look. ‘’Smile for me,’’ He says, holding up the camera to his face aiming it at you.

‘’I don’t want my picture taken!’’ You yell at him covering your face with your hands. ‘’I just want to take pictures!’’ You explain.

‘’But you're so beautiful, you deserve to have your picture taken,’’ He tells you, taking the camera away from his face, ‘’Act like you like me,’’ He taunts you with the same line, you roll your eyes and he smiles satisfied. He pulls the camera back up aiming it toward you and you smile for him allowing him to take your photo. He takes the photo and quickly pulls it out of the camera, hiding it from you.

‘’Let me see,’’ You say, walking toward him.

He finally hands your camera back to you and takes the photo hiding it behind his back with a cheeky grin on his face, ‘’I am keeping this one,’’ He tells you as you walk closer to him, his hand slipping behind your back pulling you close. ‘’I missed you too by the way,’’ He says and you slide your hands over his shoulders resting your forehead against his and you both seem to breathe a sigh of relief. You pull your head away from his and stare into his blue eyes, you lean forward and place an innocent kiss against his lips. He raises his hand to your face kissing you deeper before he pulls away, ‘’Stay with me tonight?’’ He asks you and you nod your head eagerly before kissing him once again.

‘’Get a room,’’ You hear a voice from the hallway and you quickly back away from Druig running to the door of your room seeing Sprite walking down the hallway.

‘’This is my room!’’ You yell at her before shutting the door.