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Phantom

A fic based off the song Phantom by Of Monsters and Men. Enjoy :)

Phantom – Of Monsters and Men

All this time wasted and all this time gone You are still waitin' on me Every time you leave the house Remember you're not safe But you are hardly ever

And all those times that I could swear I heard you speak You spoke in such a low voice Of how if you could choose, you would choose not to feel 'Cause you are hardly ever happy

Sometimes I find myself standing in those stairs With eyes so blank and unsure Realizing this is not where I want to be And not where I want to go

And I don't mean to somehow, always to disagree But I feel that you do not see In order to love, you have to be all you can be And mostly, you have to love yourself

Oh, with all this time wasted and all this time gone You are still waitin' on me Oh, but if I could choose, I would choose not to feel 'Cause I am hardly ever happy

I am hardly ever happy, hmm-mm

Hmm-mm I am hardly ever happy

Dovey’s POV:

I lean back in my chair, rubbing my aching forehead and stare helplessly at the mountain of paperwork still on my desk to do. The sun has long since left the sky, the brilliant scarlet glow fading to a deep navy blue blanketed in a smattering of stars. My thoughts drift inevitably to my Evil counterpart as I wonder: is she staring at the same stars as I? Does she gaze with those strange purple eyes in wonder at the heavens above?

Although she’d never admit it, Lesso’s passion for knowledge illuminates her soul. I could sit for hours listening to her pour out her knowledge of the universe and never get bored, content to watch her wine-flushed cheeks smile in that soft way of hers while her eyes dance mischievously at every witty remark. I miss those long lazy evenings we’d spend talking and laughing, drinking wine, grading papers, or sometimes just basking in the other’s company. And the first time we kissed… in that kiss was passion, like a million thoughts condensed into one moment. One moment of bliss. One moment of peace. One moment of love. Oh, it was so wrong but it felt so, so right.

And yet… I didn’t do anything with it, convinced that Evers and Nevers couldn’t be together, let alone two women. I pushed her away, ignoring the feelings that bubbled up inside. After that Lesso seemed to tiptoe around me, never sure where she stood in our complicated relationship. She moved tentatively, almost as if seeking permission to push any further. She didn’t show this, of course. If anything, she became colder and more detached than ever. But I knew. I knew the pain I left in her heart after drawing her in too many times. Those purple eyes. Those damn violet orbs that gave her away. Every single time. All this time wasted and all this time gone. You are still waiting on me.

A soft knock breaks me from my thoughts and I lift my head wearily - I have no patience to deal with another whiny student.

“Come in,” I all but groan. I nearly fall off my chair in shock when a familiar head of red curls pokes around the corner.

“You busy?”

“Ah no. No! Not at all!” My mind is spinning as Lady Lesso sinks down in a chair opposite, relying more on her cane than usual. Her eyes are vacant and unsure, and she holds herself with the kind of awkwardness one would associate with a teenager or even a child, so unlike the figure of dominance and grace I’m familiar with. She fiddles with the head of her cane nervously and her violet eyes stare emptily through the window behind me. I suppress the urge to find out what is bothering her as that will only scare her off. Instead, I settle for drawing the visit out.

“Tea? I was just about to make some,” I smile. Lesso nods absently. Still trying to discern the mood, I set about preparing it all on a tray. I hear a soft murmur – so soft that I don’t know if I actually heard it and when I glance up at the other woman, she’s looking at me with her mouth open as if she wants to say something. As soon as she catches me watching, she drops her head and I smile gently. I take the tea tray over to the low table in front of the fireplace and motion her over.

“Shall we go over here? It’s much more comfortable.”

We sip in silence for a while, basking in the warmth of the flames before I glance up at the other woman and find her still looking at me with words on the tip of her tongue. She looks down quickly.

“Lesso, dear?” She turns her weary face toward me and I give her an encouraging smile. “Is there something bothering you?” Instantly the Evil Dean’s guard goes up and her face morphs into an unreadable expression.

“Thank you for letting me stay.” She says finally. “I just… needed a distraction tonight.”

“Of course, anytime,” I reassure her but there’s something still bothering me about the situation. From the way she’s so vacant but also in the way she doesn’t seem like her usual sharp self. She seems softer somehow, almost blurred at the edges and I get the sense she’s not entirely here. Physically maybe, but mentally…

“He’s still with you, isn’t he.” It’s more of a statement than anything and I frown at the way Lesso tenses and at the realization of what she’s risking just by coming here.

“Always.” Comes the whispered reply. I nod and silence falls between us once more as we finish our tea. I know little of what occurred between her and Rafal but the limited knowledge I have gleaned from Emma and from Lesso herself has given me enough insight to realise the danger of her situation. My heart breaks for the woman, for the child she once was, so full of innocence and wonder. I see her face soften in the gentle glow of the firelight as she stares transfixed into their depths, focused on something for her eyes only. Every time you leave the house. Remember you're not safe. But you are hardly ever.

“Hey, I’m always here you know, if you ever need anything.” She smiles softly, not quite meeting my gaze and nods.

“Thank you.”

“Anything at all.” I whisper.

“Feel like getting beaten at chess?” I ask, pulling my chessboard out from a drawer and setting it on the table.

“Challenge accepted, princess,” Lesso smiles, arching her brow, some of the life returning to her face.

We begin, me playing white and her black as always. Although she plays well, I beat her easily in a few quick moves. After a few more rounds, Lesso throws her pawn down when I take her king for the fifth time that night.

“God, Princess, are you sure your not cheating?”

“You know what they say, Good always wins.” She leans back in her chair, cheeks rosy from the heat of the fire.

“It seems they do.”

I grin at her and she rolls her eyes in response, seemingly back to her usual self. “Well, I suppose I better be off, or I’ll fall asleep just sitting in your office, Dove.”

“Hmm, I wouldn’t mind that,” I tease, helping her up off the sofa. She turns away, busying herself with her heavy grey coat but I don’t miss the way her smile fades or the soft words that slip barely audible out her mouth. And all those times that I could swear I heard you speak you spoke in such a low voice of how if you could choose, you would choose not to feel 'cause you are hardly ever happy.

We linger in the doorway, unwilling to part.

“Sorry for intruding on your evening, Clarissa,” she says. Not princess, not dove, Clarissa. The thought makes me shiver.

“Don’t apologise. I quite enjoyed it.” My gaze lingers on copper curls, drifts down to perfectly arched brows over those enchanting violet eyes before landing on plump pale lips. Before I can stop myself, I reach up and catch those lips in my own. All the breath seems to leave my body as her eyes flutter close, lips moving against mine in a soft kiss. Lesso draws back first, leaning her head on the doorframe, looking slightly woozy as she slides her tongue over her lips as if tasting the last of our union. I lean forward again when a slender figure presses against my lips, stopping me in my tracks.

“Don’t,” she whispers. I open my eyes in confusion. The Evil Dean smiles sadly.

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.”

I nod as a single tears slides down my cheek. “Good night, Leo.”

Lesso’s POV:

I stand unmoving on the elegant marble steps, my left hand placed on the gilded banister, staring at the crowd beneath. A rainbow of swirling ballgowns makes idle chatter with teachers, parents, and prospective suitors, waiting, hoping for someone to notice them. Waiting for a prince to scoop them up in his royal arms and make their problems disappear with a kiss or a magical solution.

A coward’s solution.

I glare with disdain at the tables lined with punch bowls and snacks, at the small orchestra in the corner and the shimmery, showy decorations lighting up the hall.

My eyes drift inevitably to Clarissa Dovey, Dean of the School for Good, and fairy godmother of the Endless Woods. I somehow find her amidst the sea of bodies filling the grand ballroom, always drawing me in like a dark creature to a bright light. I watch her, transfixed, as she talks animatedly to a small group of parents. As usual, she is dressed in a gown of resplendent gold, layers upon layers of frills and glitter. Her hair is down tonight, carefully set curls sitting perfectly on exposed shoulders. A large pearl necklace rests on her smooth brown collarbones. On anyone else, this get-up would have looked ridiculous but on her… on her the dress is a bright sunspot, matching her brilliant personality and undying optimism.

My carefully painted lips twitch in a small smile as the woman nearly upsets a tray of champagne with her passionate hand gestures. Impossibly, her laughing brown eyes alight on mine and I find myself captured by her gaze.

In that moment, time seems to slow, and the noise of the ballroom fades out. All that exists is us. All I can focus on is us. On the buzz in my ears and the gentle eyes inviting me closer. All I can see is us.

In that moment, we are connected. Across the great room hung with banners and lanterns and set apart by hundreds of guests we are connected. Dovey’s words die on her lips as her smile fades slightly and she curtseys elegantly in my direction. I incline my head in return and lift a hand in greeting, my many rings glittering in the candlelight.

A cold hand ghosts across the back of my neck and all of a sudden, reality hits me like a blow to the stomach. The distance yawns between us once more and I am suddenly aware of all that separates us. Any chance of a more-than-friendly relationship was blown years ago. What am I doing, standing as if on top of the world, fantasizing about possibly the most wonderful woman in the world? It could never happen, I’m Evil and she’s Good. I’m broken and she’s… well, fairy godmother of the whole fricking woods. We look at each for a moment longer, warm brown eyes meeting hollow violet before she smiles again and returns to her conversation. The moment is broken but I stand there, staring at the woman I can never call my own as laughter and chatter flood my ears once more, bringing me out of my thoughts with a jerk.

I sigh and nod my head slightly toward the left acknowledging the figure dressed in red, always lurking at the edge of my periphery. I see a smirk play on those dangerous saccharine lips and am repulsed as he draws closer, pressing his body against my back, breath skittering across my ear. I shudder and move slowly down toward the party, away from him, joining the crowd as the only Never. A black raven in a flock of doves…

“Lesso?” An impatient voice jerks me back to the present and I shake myself out of my daze. The memory of that moment at the summer ball is forever imprinted in my mind, a constant reminder of all that we are and all that we could’ve been and with it, a hollowness so heavy it could almost be mistaken for sadness. Sometimes I find myself standing in those stairs with eyes so blank and unsure, realizing this is not where I want to be and not where I want to go. The woman snaps her fingers in front of my face, and I turn my attention to a slightly older but no less beautiful Dovey standing in front of me, hands on her hips staring at me expectantly. I stare back. She sighs in frustration. “The curriculum, Lesso! The curriculum. What do you think of it?”

My mind reels frantically. What is she going on about now? What curriculum? I glance down at the pages sprawled out in front of me.

Oh.

I still have only the faintest idea of what she’s talking about so I do the only thing I know. I shake my head.

“No.”

“No? What do you mean no? You worked on it for months! All I did was edit it. Come on, Lesso, you can’t be serious!” Dovey’s eyes are wide with frustration. Guilt churns in my stomach but I can’t back down now, it would be weak. So I lean forward and smirk, watching as she flinches back, colour staining her cheeks.

“Did I fucking stutter? I’m saying no, I don’t like it. It was perfectly fine the way it was. I don’t need some frilly little fairy to tell me how to run my school. You have taken two classes out of the course. My villains deserve the same opportunities as you Evers so why the fuck can’t we use the Blue Forest like you?” Hurt is written all over the shorter woman’s face as I snatch up my papers and stand. We stare each other down, waiting for the other to make the first move. I open my mouth to apologise but she raises a hand to stop me.

“Thank you, Lady Lesso,” Dovey says quietly, almost sadly. “You may have your classes. I’m sorry for interfering with your lessons, I was only thinking about the good of the school, that’s all.” She takes the papers from me with shaking hands and carefully crosses out her own emerald ink. All I can do is stand there foolishly and not say a word.

“As I thought,” I manage curtly and snatch the papers from her. And I don't mean to somehow, always to disagree but I feel that you do not see in order to love, you have to be all you can be and mostly, you have to love yourself. I want to say all of this and more but in the end, I just sit down and try to tune out the rest of the meeting.

Several times I catch Dovey looking at me with those large doe-eyes and several times I catch myself reaching for her hand. A million wasted opportunities, skirting around each other.

Divided.

Waiting.

Always waiting.

Oh, with all this time wasted and all this time gone, you are still waitin' on me. Oh, but if I could choose, I would choose not to feel 'cause I am hardly ever happy.

#school for good and evil #lady lesso #clarissa dovey #dovesso #ao3 #sge #phantom #of monsters and men #dovesso fic #song lyrics #fic based off song lyrics #angst #hurt/comfort #lesso needs a hug #dovey needs a hug #no beta we die like rafal #leonora lesso #rafal mistral #rafal

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