#missed connections of fear
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Hi it’s been like a month since my last post.
I just want to assure everyone that I’m fine.
The Stranger (i presume it’s part of The Stranger) didn’t show up again. But I suspect it’s looking for us.
- Rose
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throwing out just One more hot dean and jack take while it’s on my brain but I honestly think dean gives jack a little more autonomy than sam and cas do . Maybe.
#heavy on cas bc I feel he’s a bit more … coddling? ? than Sam is ?#sam just kind of leaves jack to himself and vaguely offers support or advice#but Dean is the only one we’ve seen on screen that has a MUTUAL connection w jack#like their entire start and end conversations in Optimism abt needing to stay busy & blaming themselves#they GET each other#cas is just. idk#the argument he had with jack in 14x0…2 I believe ..#like jack is just CONSTANTLY trying to get ppl to understand that he makes his own choices and can handle himself#I cannot stress enough that he hates being treated like a helpless child.#there’s so much situational irony with that lmaooo#anyways#this is like half thought out I fear#I miss my guys#cal.txt#spn#supernatural#jack kline#dean winchester#dean and jack#tfw2.0#sam winchester#sam and jack#cas#cas and jack#like I do love Sam and cas as dads they’re all his dads . dean is just my favorite im sorry#if I said people don’t like dean as a dad that much bc he doesn’t infantilize jack …… would you brain me with a rock ….. be honest#liek … Idk#I am noticing patterns and I do not like them or the common theme they share#goodnight gang
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we could talk about how hanzo’s rage is a metaphor for his grief and trauma and his title of scorpion represents his difficulty to let go of his anger how he can never stop mourning his past because he refuses to stop mourning and how kuai liang’s taking of the mantle is representative of the ability to move forward rather than be stuck in constant mourning of the brother he lost. we could also talk about how hanzo’s protection over kuai liang was out of guilt of how hanzo could not stop himself from allowing emotion to control him and killing bi-han, and his ability to allow kuai liang to live instead of exacting more blindness vengeance allowed kuai liang to prosper and grow and end the years of rivalry between their clans.
#they both handle their trauma so differently yet they are both connected because of trauma that ties them to each other#it’s also why scorpion and kuai liang work so well as allies and not just scorpion and bihan/scorpion and sub-zero#i really miss hanzo lmao. the way he grieves is so satisfying because even if he can’t escape it the story also shows he doesn’t want to#escape it. and you know i think that’s how a lot of people grieve#or at least i do#but the inability to let go of grief because it’s so difficult to let go in fear of forgetting who or what you’re grieving#and then it just eats you up your whole life#and then in mk11 older hanzo is able to have a hold on his emotions even if he’s still in mourning and him having to die in his younger#self’s arms because there was no other way to tell him that he HAS to mourn in another way that does not destroy himself#not like *verbally* tell him but that’s what that scene felt like to me#but also he did tell him to accept the new (the reborn shirai ryu) instead of living forever in anguish of the past taken away from him#idk. i just think hanzo’s really neat#and his role as scorpion parallel to kuai liang is what made them *them*#they complement each other#scorpion#kuai liang#talking;
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the bar for "revolutionary" webhorror is so low. what happened
#god lord im so sick of itttttttt ToT#if you dont know analogue horror is on is deathbed and now ppl are onto ''digital horror''#which is the same thing except using digital mediums instead of analogue (like the internet instead of vhs)#and i do mean the same thing lol nothing has changed#not the conventions of storytelling not the limitations of the medium not the types of scares it presents#the only thing that has changed is the aesthetic. and that is unbelievably sad#if youre going to do a horror series based in the internet then why not.... actually use the medium of the internet for horror#theres so many scary things about the internet (esp early internet!!!!!) and yet no one is using that for their series#just the same old ''missing children's spirit communicating through tape oops i mean the website :)'' like cmon man.... :(#why not use things like viruses or the sudden connection to any and everyone through the internet or early hoaxes/creepy ads#lack of regulation on the early internet or the isolating/uncanny aesthetics of old hardware (kid me was so scared of computers lol)#or literally anything else that is DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO THE MEDIUM YOUR SERIES IS BASED ON#does anyone else on earth care about this or am i just picky??? hello???#i just want smth that leaves a genuine impact. i just want a series that feels like smth thats never been done before#i just want webhorror that knows what it wants to be and fits neatly into the confines of its medium#petscop felt like a real videogame. it felt like smth i could see in an ''obscure ps1 games youve never heard about!!'' video#it had a will they wont they about whether or not the game was actually talking to paul (through ghosts or other users etc)#but it was never in your face and it was left just vague enough that instead of breaking immersion it sucked you in even more#paul felt like a real person playing a real game and experiencing genuine fear and obsession alongside the audience#there was never a point where the screen started turning red and pauls voice became distorted and ''scary'' while creepy imagery popped up#bc petscop works entirely within the limitations of a man playing a videogame. no more no less#thats the kind of dedication to the medium that i want!!!!!!#i only critique webhorror so much bc its my favourite type of horror and i want it to improve
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bestie sjonnie... it is me isaac faithdeans... just here to say that i still haven't met you yet but boy do i miss you!!! okay byeeee
bff isaac, my beloved faithdeans, i am typing this as sjonnie, castiel his prostate, with literal tears in my eyes as i havent met you yet either but i miss you too???????? so much?????????? the heart works in ways i am not meant to understand. but i yearn for our cursed energy to collide in real life
#fr though i miss you too :(#something about when you're at work. it limits our brain connection 😔#one day!!!!!!!#i fear we will be too strong together and come up with a text so cursed anyone that reads it will instantly collapse#but we SHALL MEET!!!!!!! WE SHALL MEET ONE DAY#hi can you tell im working on the garthward au?????¿??? one thing that always really bugged me was that edward 1) was american and 2) spoke#way too 2007#so in every garthward au i write he speaks way too formalhshehebebebebd#ANYWAY ILYSM#isaac's notes#notes
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☎️🎲 🤼♂️ ✈️🚪 ➡️ 🫀🎮⌛️
Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA
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#platonic elmike#stranger things#bizarre love triangle playlist#mike wheeler#mike's pov#mike is still a hard nut to crack for me...#this scene in particular i'm still not certain about#i do think it was riddled with his very consistent tactic of stalling#but he's also of course relieved to hear el say she missed him#perhaps this is him thinking "oh thank god she doesn't hate me'#while also having to accept in real time that will was perhaps right that el still needs him... but is he up for the task of el's bf?...#and so he's sort of trying to work out how he can finally just do this to do right by el#which comes with the fear that he is indeed going to lose her when it all comes crashing down inevitably like it already has and is#either way i think he's contending with the fact that losing el may be inevitable#that's why he's having such a hard time lying to her in the first place#bc he knows lies lead to the truth eventually being revealed#and so he just feels her slipping through his fingers no matter what he does#he imagined this future with her (and will) where they stayed connected to each other no matter what#but mike's scared that future won't be possible once all is revealved#i think will's whole speech in the van has mike even more conflicted#bc his feelings for will are very strong at this point#and so even if he believes that this is truly how el feels as of now...#he also probably knows deep deep down that he wishes (still hopes) it was will's feelings#which makes going through with this even harder#not to mention all the parallels between mike and hopper ('not hopper...not mike... you!')#these two male figures in el's life who rescued her from a horrible situation are having a hard time coming to terms with her growing up#like yes she's growing and 'slipping through your fingers' but that's okay!#you don't have to lose her forever just because she doesn't have to rely on you anymore!#4x09#gif
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Anyway made soup. Finished that indulgent awful YA read. Slowly learning that I can write reviews of things that are critical and the world won't end and I'm not going to cause people to die or something unspeakably horrible to happen just because I was "mean". Etc etc etc
MAYBE it'll be ok
#franposting#anyway yeah my ocd has this connection#that says if im critical of something. not even mean. just critical#someone will die/theyll be an accident/etc etc etc#all this because my ocd got really bad when i wrote a supportive but critical review of a prof#on those anonymous end of term things#and then she DIED a year later of cancer#and i was convinced her cancer came back bc of me#I genuinely believed it for years. i cried. i missed so much class. i was responsible for this womans death#anyway that was eons ago. 2nd year undergrad.#but i lived with that guilt for ages#i had ocd before then. but never so obvious. never for such a ridiculous clearly untrue fact#and then it spiralled into my every action causing world disasters and deaths#so yknow.#yes i AM a little insane on my bad days#i mean in full seriousness. i believe im responsible for completely reprehensible things when in an ocd spiral#and i live in fear!!!#but maybe it is getting better. maybe kt is getting easier#i was able to say hey this book was poorly written and plotted but it was indulgent and fun while still being bad#i didn't say it was good i said i was entertained type scenario#to be clear. i can HAVE mean or critical opinions in my head. bad things only happen when i express them publicly
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there's not quite a pain like slowly fading to the background when going silent to see if it'd be noticed
i have been the one to reach out first so much because i know for so many, i'd just be left to be no more than a memory if i stopped trying.
this is why ive been the one to leave first in the past
why i struggle to connect to new beings
why i cant talk about myself, be my actual self, because what if this pushes others away?
#beast speaks#beast vents#beastkin#otherkin#dragonkin#cryptidkin#i am not inocent of the slow distancing from someone before#but the only reason i have purposefully done this is when the connection was unhealthy and harming me#and i feared saying so#therefore i slowly and purposefully faded into the background#and i miss them and do not regret the time we had but i know it was unhealthu#*unhealthy#and i know i was not what they needed#could not be what they needed#.... i am painfully lonely
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Darcy and I are in West Virginia right now, doing the gay thing and seeing Mothman.
So I’ve been a little paranoid recently, especially at night.
I’ve had this nagging feeling I’m being Watched. Which is silly, I Watch things.
I bought a small camera to point out the RV window in my bedroom. Reviewing the footage has shown me nothing but the lot I have pulled into.
Last night I saw a figure approach, it stayed just enough out of view that it was only a silhouette. I don’t Know what it is. But it’s certainly not human.
- Rose
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#tag talk#anytime my friends point out that something I say is good advice or express that they see me as aspirational I'm always just like....#wtf how am I am example to look up to I'm just an idiot bumbling his way through life trying to avoid hitting her head on cabinet corners#honestly it's mostly just seeing mistakes others have made and going “I will not make those mistakes. I will make weirder mistakes than that#like. it feels a little like the “I'm eighty years old I'm done with putting up with everyone's bullshit” except it's#it's “I didn't kill myself so I'm not gonna put up with bullshit anymore”#like. I chose life. I'm not about to half-ass that decision. I'm not gonna walk back that decision. I'm not going to flinch away from it.#that fuckin... “what do we have to fear but fear itself” quote or whatever. like.. I died. you think anything else is gonna scare me?#if I'm going to be stuck here on this planet you bet your ass I'm gonna make the most of it. I'm not gonna be embarrassed. no shame.#we're all living here until we die and the things that matter are your own life and then the people around you.#I'm not going to miss out on a chance to find community and connection just because I'm afraid. I'm done being afraid.#though... I have been feeling shrimp emotions for the past two weeks and my stomach has tied itself up in knots over it.#I'm so detached because I'm afraid of feeling my emotions too strongly. so letting go and experiencing emotions is a lot for me.#and agghfffgghh I'm going to make it through this I'm going to make it through this but damn it's really rough#allowing yourself to get close to someone again after solidifying your position as unassailable is so hard.#especially because I've gotten so used to shielding the emotions of other people. hard to be honest when your honesty will hurt them#it's wild being around someone who's not wildly insecure because I can be genuine and honest and not worry about what I say hurting her.#I could say “I'm leaving in a year do you still want to date?” and trust that she would actually think it through and give a reliable answer#like. I can handle just my emotions because she's able to handle hers.#being in mental health spaces for so long I'm not used to interacting with emotionally stable people lmaooo#do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm#like. sui wasn't an emotional choice it was a cost benefit analysis. I get emotionally unstable sure. but I contain myself until it's over.#I know enough to not be impulsive because I recognize impulsive behavior in others and thus in myself as well.#so like. I'm unstable but I'm not externally unstable. I know how to isolate when I'm in a wounded lashing out state.#anyway I've been processing so many emotions this past week because I'm wildly out of practice with allowing myself emotional honesty#instead of just bricking myself up behind my defensive apathy. I want to hold onto this. I want to continue to channel these emotions.#I want to be unafraid to tell people when I love them#though with her it's more of a Nerevarine situation. you are not someone I love but rather someone who might become that.#like. I haven't known her long enough to really say I love. but I very much think if things continue how they are I will be confident in it#and not even romantic love per se. I have some old friends who I genuinely love. several siblings who I love. most people I know I do not.
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I was going to make a poll to ask if I should resume WIP Wednesdays despite whatever I’m working on, and then answered my own damn question. Because I’m an adult and this is a multi-fandom blog and I’m writing things that make me happy and I want to share with my followers so... it’s that simple, right?
Right.
#my brain has been awfully mean to me these past few months so it's hard for me to distinguish my own advice from my personal fears#katy's personal growth journey has about as many ups and downs as a rollercoaster#but here we are#prepare for ST snippets#and original fiction snippets#and some more CM snippets eventually#all the things#I just miss connecting with my reading audience#it's tough writing a whole story before posting idk how everyone has been doing it for fucking ever
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vent post
#lonely dog speaks#vent/#THIS WAS GOING TO BE A vague jokey post but i did end up typing a bunch. sorrey ->#:•\#not feeling great#i feel like every day i am missing something#but i'm too afraid to actually connect to what that missing thing is#and i realize my anxiety is back n bad#which i'm not really sure if it ever left#i was going to make a joke about being unmedicated but that's noteven true but if i feel this bad then that is probably Not good#and my general fear prevents me from feeling like i can DO Things. like. i can't just Do A Thing#i have to putz around all day to maybe do it a bit. but i can't commit to it in case i get interupted#but the thing is that i also /do/ do things i want to do through the day. but it's nott a lot of things#specifically i want to be drawing. but actually getting to the drawing part is so hard and i end up not drawing#but i think about drawing all day!!#but stepping back. on a much wider scale i realize icant even think about the idea of doing someting like move out or get job#because if i decide to commit to it what if something bad happens and i never get to do it#and everything feels wasted..........#why dont i sit on my phone and try to have fun instead and not think about that >_>#OH GIRL. I should get a therapy#isnt it so annoying how being aware that your brain is irrational doesn't just make you Think Rationally
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#i hate my brain bc if i go 1 week without talking to someone i've already gone thru the 5 stages of grief#& im in the process of moving on#like im actually in morning every day i dont talk to them. i mourn whatever connection we had & im sad & miss them everyday#**mourning#fr my brain is like ok they're never gonna talk to u again!! that was the last conversation u ever had. say bye to them bc it's over forever#but if my brain goes thru the entire thing w/ interruption ie interaction from them#i will *feel* less (much less) for them. and i'll just be like oh hey a ghost from the past what's up :|#and im aware of how fkn irrational & dramatic this is like wtaf?? this is not healthy nor normal but ig that's just my brain :')#i need constant & intense & 24/7 or else my brain just shuts off. which again isnt normal#this is why im scared of moving out & not living w/ my mom. i fear i will grow detached from her just bc i dont see her everyday...#think this is part of why i isolate myself too lol#my sisters also havent talked to me in weeks and im like?? damn i actually kinda dont care abt u anymore lol
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Living life yay huzzah yay
#a#I have beef with my school. am I happy here? absolutely. do I think we are beyond lame for not having an actual guy? 100%#letters don’t count!!!!!!!! having a capital letter for your school doesn’t count!!!!!!!!!!#like it’s not even a complete absence of a team no just like a silly little physical guy than runs across the field#and can be all cute on stuff on shirts and be stuffed animals it’s the marketing potential they’re missing out on#though I guess I’d rather have no physical dude than one which sucks complete ass I’m talking about pen state fuck that guy#I need to watch the gnomes again wait oh my fucking god I was thinking like damn I did the gnomeo juliet ace attorney moment#but my brain is knee deep in hellsing so idk how to connect them but bruh every piece of media has some form of rivals#I’m not emotionally invested in andercard but the idea of Catholic and Protestant gnomes is really funny#and they’re already British!! lovely!!! at some point in college I need to use gnomes for a grade I can’t let that be a high school only bit#did you know that gnomeo and Juliet is technically owned by Disney? add that to your marvel cinematic universe#oh gnomeo and Juliet poster we’re really in it now#did you know that the version of hello hello that’s in the movie featuring lady Gaga is not on streaming services? they take lady Gaga out#it’s really unfortunate the echos and duet aspect make the song it’s not just one or the other it’s Two Gnomes!!#have two exam grades back that I have not looked at out of fear#either they’ll be bad and I’ll watch hellsing to make myself feel better Or they’ll be good and I’ll watch hellsing as a reward#unrelated but it looks like a gutter on the other side of my dorm got busted and I’m trying to figure out if it’s always been like that#maybe it has and I’m not a gutter glorifier like I thought I was…. rip observational skills#I have a group project I have to work on and it’s evil I do not enjoy the class and it’s not very lgbt slay girlboss of me#but god dammit I am not filling out a fucking gender unicorn for your class that’s between me and my tumblr drafts from 2019#it gets a credit out of the way and I never have to take it again I am so strong#man what does it say about society that I’m more excited about Econ than wgs (it says nothing the Econ professor is just goofy and fun)#(also he does more than read off of slides and show those like buzzfeed social experiments)#but none of that is important since next week is when things get fucked and I’ll end up with more free time! yay strikes!!#update: made it back from project zone those fuckers held me hostage using social norms#it’s okay though I’m sooo strong and brave#talkingcore
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something something still writing my curse of strahd fic. having to find ways to make it more difficult since theyre coming in from being level 13 post game
#starting off with them all separated is a great start methinks#also might have it where being in strahds domain is temporarily inhibiting them a couple levels (that they get back if they defeat him)#like he subconsciously inhibits anyone to be more powerful than him past a certain level to keep them from usurping him#also for context i have a headcanon post game that they miss the telepathic connections the tadpole gave them post game#and they want a way to keep in contact if theyre far from each other or even on different planes#so they work to get a very powerful set of rings for all the origin characters that have rarys telepathic bond on them#that allow them to communicate telepathically no matter the distance or plane with anyone else wearing the ring#a little bit like the ward rings you can find in act 2 that let you ward with the other wearer no matter the distance#and so if theyre ever adventuring together and are separated they also use it to their advantage to communicate via telepathy on how to meet#depending on who's using the ring to communicate too they have a unique presence/feeling to whoever theyre reaching out to#for gale its electric because i can imagine the weave imbued in him and having a sort of sparky magical feel#for astarion every function seems to slow and they get a bit more chill because of him being undead#etc etc sort of thing#and its grate because the cos book literally specifies about spells that allow message or communication and strahd being able to listen in#so im going to use that as a really good point of fear after a certain scene i have planned#that way to deter them from using the rings so they can get nerfed again#im seriously really excited for this#i have so many post game astarion/soleil adventuring fics planned based off official campaigns and even some of my own#and im so excited for all of them#i promise the strahd fic is not the only one already in the works its just that this is the one im more actively writing currently and have#the most written for at the moment
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Daily Haikuku, no. 323
One disappointment
is all it takes to send me
right over the edge.
--haikuku
#haiku#haikuku#daily haiku#daily haikuku#haiku on tumblr#feelings#emotions#depression#disappointed#insecurity#social anxiety#all the feels#why bother#stupid brain#core beliefs#missed connections#emotional damage#feel so alone#feeling low#irrational fears#it is what it is#negative mindset#negative self talk#oh the irony#hurt#self loathing#so much for that#triggered#why do i torture myself like this#why not me
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