#mostly i find music through my discover weekly or my friends and that's been working pretty well for me

[stellarspecter]

Tabi! I have been obsessed with your aromantic playlist since you posted it, and several of the songs have been on my own repeat playlist since then, so I was wondering if you have any other songs that would fit that playlist that you didn't include (or have since found?). I'm particularly obsessed with No Lover by Jetty Bones 😍

i'm so glad you like it! (made for my pride month aro gifset, listen to it here) while making that playlist, i listened to another much longer aro playlist that i just found on spotify, so here's some songs from that that made it onto my liked songs but that i didn't include, plus some other songs that i found later that vibe with it.

closer than this - KAYE

easy - daisy the great

unthinkable - cloudy june

S.L.U.T. - bea miller

i hate you so much - anarbor

killer - the ready set

FRIENDS - marshmello, anne-marie

new friends - maty noyes

peggy - orchards

edge of town - middle kids

i hope you like these, and let me know if you want other music recs or anything! i'm always happy to talk abt stuff like this lol

[trollartistry]

Fleeting Reunion

Doing a drabble again! No art this time, but I might draw it later. I had the idea of ‘what if Nemi reunited with Classic Freddy as an adult?’ and wanted to do something with it.

Now, just an FYI, this drabble’s based on the idea that *somehow* and for *some* reason, the old classic animatronics were kept and used as parts or something for the new Glamrocks. Also dunno what year Security Breach canonly is in so I’m using our current year, 2021. So I’m really breaking canon here- oh well.

Story under the read more!

The first time Nemi discovered the old, beat down classics, he was shocked and thought he had been seeing things. Tucked deep in the pizzaplex was a parts and services room, and while he worked as a nightguard, on occasion he’d act as a mechanic. The man only had been looking for a basic piece to replace in Monty’s arm as it had broken mid golf swing, and it was an easy fix. But Nemi found more than just the part he needed- he found 4 familiar animatronics from the pizzeria he used to go to as a child; Foxy, Bonnie, Chica, and of course Freddy.

It plagued his mind, and it unnerved him every time he had to go into that room. They weren’t even that dismantled, if anything just.. broken. The foam and fabric on all of them torn, Chica’s hands were missing, Bonnie’s face was gone, and Foxy looked shredded up along his limbs and ear. Freddy was the only one that looked mostly decent, but the state he was in infuriated the nightguard. All of these beloved robots, just dumped in the back with no care in the world.

And then Nemi’s thoughts went from a simple, curious walk to a manic, inquisitive run. Were they the same four from that old pizzeria he attended on a weekly basis when he was a child? Why were they here? Could they still work if he powered them up? What would he even do once he turned them all on and they were the old ones he once knew? ...Would Freddy remember who he was, if Nemi was to power him up? 

Finally his willpower broke one night. He had to know. He would only power up Freddy, just to see what would happen. If it wasn’t the same Freddy as the one all those years ago, he’d just shut him back off and let his burning questions fizzle to forgotten ash. And if it was the same Freddy, well.. they could at least catch up.

He spent a good month or so sneaking in, fiddling with wires and parts to make sure the bot could turn on without much difficulty. Thankfully, it seemed any evidence of his tampering either went unnoticed, or wasn’t reported cuz no one ever stopped him. And finally, one night, he was done. All there was left to do was flick the switch and power Freddy up. Nemi took a breath in, muttered his hope, and flicked the switch.

Sparks sputtered and the whole frame of Freddy jolted as power ran through his circuits, causing Nemi to jump back. Inside there was whirring, old inner workings flowing with electricity. The man watched, unsure if his heart was racing with hope or anxiety as the bot’s eyes twitched a bit, before blinking, focusing in on the darkened room and the person before him.

Freddy sat up against the wall, ears tilting a little and he blinked once, twice. Nemi could tell he was confused immediately, the way his eyebrows furrowed and he shut his jaw in a pursed manner. There was silence, an uncomfortable silence and Nemi didn’t know what to say or do, Freddy was just sitting there..

As Nemi opened his mouth, Freddy blinked with some recognition and spoke, unsure, “..*D-Deadname*?”

It’s a name that hasn’t been used by friends or family in so many years, only used for legal manners. But hearing it makes Nemi choke on his words as his heart clenches with emotion. So it is the same Freddy, and he recognizes him even after all these years.

“..Y-yea, it’s me, Freddy.” Nemi said, coming back over to kneel down before the sitting bot, unable to help but grin at him. “I don’t- don’t go by that anymore b-but it’s me.”

Freddy’s silent as he looks the man over, obviously a bit frazzled seeing someone he last saw as a child now kneeling before him as a grown man. He then looks around the room, and sees all of the different parts, and his fellow animatronics. He’s quiet as he takes it all in, and even though he’s old and worn, Freddy was wise and knew what this entailed. They weren’t in use anymore and instead replaced.

“I uh.. go by Nemi now.” Nemi said, bringing the bot’s attention back to him. Freddy blinked, then softly hummed a little as he nodded, “Nemi.. it’s.. unique.”

“Heh.. yea, got it during highschool.” Nemi replied. It’s quiet again and Freddy’s once again looking around, and Nemi wiped his watery eyes before deciding to explain, “You uh.. You’re in Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzaplex. The year’s 2021.. I guess you guys are being used as parts now.”

“2021?” Freddy asked, attention back on Nemi. The man nods and Freddy gives a quiet sigh, “..I’m amazed we’re still in solid pieces then. Or that I even work..” He looked down at himself.

“I uh.. had to fix you quite a bit actually just to get you to t-turn on..” Nemi said with a shrug. He’s looking over Freddy again, and now that the animatronic’s on and talking, it makes his withered state hurt Nemi all the more. Freddy doesn’t miss the first tears dripping down the man’s face and he tries to distract him from his emotions, “Hey.. at least my name’s still out there, right? Surely there’s another model of me still keeping an eye on you.” He smiled.

Nemi’s heart only hurts more than that. Glamrock Freddy was just as incredible as the classic, if not more, and sure, the man loves him dearly.. but he could hear his younger self weep in the back of his mind, ‘But that’s not MY Freddy!’ Nemi clenches his eyes shut at that, a sniffle escaping him, and Freddy quietly sighs before he opens his arms, the old joints creaking. “Shh.. come here, it’s okay.”

The guard, though grown, can’t help but immediately close the distance to hug the beloved animatronic, a sob escaping him. Freddy holds him close, and recalls the few times he did this to Nemi when he was a little girl. He begins to try and play the same tune he did back then, but realizes he no longer has his music box, only a soft clicking noise coming from the inner crank that was left installed to turn it. So instead, Freddy talks and hopes his voice offers that same comfort.

“I missed you.. It’s nice to see you grown up.” Freddy said softly, removing the security hat from Nemi’s head to stroke his hair soothingly. Nemi manages to whimper out that he missed the bot as well, along with an apology that makes Freddy hush him softly, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Nemi..”

The brunette pulls back a little, shaking his head as he tries to wipe those spilled tears, “I-I didn’t even get to say goodbye to you back then when I had to move.. A-And now, here you are, i-in the back of a damn mall collecting d-dust and in pieces-” He began, and a old paw cups his cheek.

“None of that is your fault.” Freddy said as he comforted the man, “What matters is you had a good life after your time with me. I knew I would eventually be taken down from the spotlight, either for good or for a new model to replace me.. it happens, Nemi.”

Nemi looks at the bot who gives him a warm smile, the same smile he would give him all those years ago. It calms some of those bubbling sorrows, but Nemi still can’t help but sniffle.

“It’s been, what.. 10 or so years? And you’ve changed so much.. we have time, why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to? Just like old times.” Freddy offered, and Nemi nodded.

He told the bear about his father’s passing, the many years of moving before he ended up in his aunt and uncle’s care. How he discovered his own identity and realized he was a man, and graduated highschool by the skin of his teeth. Freddy listened to all of it, just like how he used to listen to Nemi as a child talk about his days back then. He then asked about the pizzaplex and how the man enjoyed working there, and Nemi in turn talked about the whole place and the Glamrock animatronics. Freddy’s amused at how Nemi talks about Glamrock Freddy- its that same admiration the man had for Freddy back then.. and something more, Freddy can tell. The conversation helped Nemi calm down and it was comforting to Freddy himself to know he was still loved by people, even if it was a completely different model. But a glance to his watch told Nemi he only had another hour or two before his shift was up. Before his time with Freddy, was up.

“..Y’know,” Nemi began after a silent moment of just being close to the bot, “I think- I think they’d get along fine with you and the others.. I could work on them too, get them up and running, and-”

“No.” Freddy shuts down the idea with a frown. It hurts to do so, but he knows his place. “I’ve had my time on the stage. We all have..”

The nightguard looks shocked at Freddy’s answer, and tries to change his mind, “F-Freddy c’mon, it’ll be fine! Maybe- Maybe HR would consider refurbishing you guys and you can be part of it all even-!” He said, voice cracking with desperation and Freddy cups the man’s face again, eyes sternly looking down at him.

“You and I both know that’s not how it would go, Nemi.” He said, “Even if we got along with the Glamrocks, it’d be trouble for all of us to be on again. You already risked your job just to get me back online, do you know how much trouble you’ll get into if you left me on?”

“I don’t care!” Nemi exclaimed, not caring just how childish he sounded, “Do you know how much I missed you when I had to leave?! And now here at my job I find your- your broken body just laying here and not know if it was really you and now that I put in all that work, it really IS you?! I-I can’t just- power you back down and forget about you after this, I-I wont! I love you too much to lose you again!!”

There’s a silence, and Nemi’s face grows red as he realizes what he said was selfish and childish of him, along with a confession for the old bot. Freddy’s surprised to hear it, but he then smiles, brushing back some of the brunette hair.

“I know. But you’ve never lost me nor forgot about me, have you? You got a job at a place with my name still in it, along with getting along with another me.” Freddy said warmly, “I know it’s hard.. but it’s for the best. If you kept me on, it would jeopardize everything and you could lose everything you have here.. including that Glamrock version of me.”

Nemi’s eyes widen, before looking away with sorrow at the thought of losing Glamrock Freddy. Freddy was right, but the thought of having to turn him back off had Nemi’s heart twisting in agony. “..B-but.. I can’t..” He whimpered, and Freddy pulled him back into the embrace.

“I know it’s hard.. but you have to.” Freddy murmured. “I’ll still be here, in more ways than one.”

Nemi nodded, fresh tears spilling as he let out another sob, “Can- can I hear your song, just one last time..?”

Freddy may of not had his music box, but he began to hum softly, letting the man hear that tune once more. They stayed there in the darkness of the room, Nemi quietly crying in Freddy’s arms as he listened, before sitting up as the last few notes were hummed. Nemi opened up the bot’s chest, reaching in to that power switch and looked up at Freddy, the two sharing one last gaze.

“G-Goodbye, Freddy..”

“Goodbye, Nemi.”

And with a flip of the switch, the sound of machinery powering down echoed in Nemi’s ears as he watched the life fade from Freddy’s eyes as he slumped against the wall, eyelids closing over. The man closed the chest plate, staring at the bot with a heavy heart before picking up his hat and getting up. He went to the door, pausing to take one glance back to the beloved bear, before exiting the room, the thud of the door closing behind him echoing down the hall.

A week later when he has to go in to that same room, he’s griefstricken to see the four bodies of the classic animatronics were gone for good and for the rest of that night, it’s spent sticking close to Glamrock Freddy as the new, shiny Glamrock model of his beloved childhood friend still brought the man comfort and happiness.

[berlinini]

I’m gonna come rant to you again (I did it before). All my close fandom friends are Larries (I came into the fandom trough Larry, but changed my tune real fast), so I can’t talk to them.

They keep saying Louis doesn’t need promo for his festival, because tickets are already given and it’s full. And he doesn’t want to be a big musician, he is happy like he is and I get so frustrated at that. How does that make any sense? How can they see all this and think it is normal? It really gets to me.

Is There a way to find more Louis mutuals?

Hi Anon!

You're welcome to rant anytime :)

I totally get your frustration - it's been ingrained in this fandom that Louis doesn't want a successful solo career and that is very far from the truth. Larries buying into this narrative are actually doing Sony's job of pushing Louis to the curb. Yet, he persists... in less than normal conditions.

Yes, the Festival is mostly for fans and it was expected that it would be sold-out based on Louis' current fan base alone. The festival holds 8,000 people - and Louis' dates at Wembley in 2022 have sold out in an instant for a venue with a bigger capacity.

We see through the London livestream and through the Festival that Louis wants to perform (he said several times it's one of his favourite thing to do) and wants to connect with his fans (finding new ways of giving us content since the tour is rescheduled). The livestream was a huge success... yet no press coverage. I have no doubt the Festival will blow our mind, but no one is expecting the situation to change in terms of promo because it has not changed so far.

The thing is, Louis' career cannot be sustained on its current fanbase. Fans have checked out already because it took 5 years to have Walls and fans are leaving now too because everything is messed up and the mood is terrible. Louis needs new fans - outside of 1D, outside of Larry - that will listen to his music and attend his concert. To get new, "casual" fans, he needs proper promo and that is just... not happening right now. The Festival would have been a great way to introduce new fans to Louis through the opening acts.

Just because the festival is sold-out doesn't mean that things could (should!!!) have been different from a promotional point of view - from traditional press and radio coverage to Louis' social medias.

Larries refusing to see how abnormal Louis' career has been and still is are just willingly covering their eyes. I also wonder what kind of "fans" they are - wouldn't they want Louis to achieve the success he deserves? Wouldn't they want to tune in the radio and hear Always You and have more people discover Louis' amazing songs? Wouldn't they want people to know that Louis Tomlinson had the biggest livestream concert in 2020 and raised millions for charity? Wouldn't they want to share the sunshine that is Louis Tomlinson? I do! Louies do!

On top of that, saying that Louis is "happy" in the corner he's been put in is very cruel. I know Louis radiates optimism but I can't believe he spent months (a year?) working on the Festival only to get a mention (full of errors) at the bottom of the Music Weekly article. I know he persists because of the fans but no one works in an industry and is comfortable with being blacklisted ignored like he is. No one who is a hard worker like him enjoys being surrounded by an incompetent team. Anyone who thinks Louis is comfortable or "wants" his current situation is extremely naive and probably doesn't have a lot of experience in this world.

Things are extremely messed up right now and I can't fathom how Louis himself must be feeling. It's clear that there are things going behind the scenes that we don't see and what we see is already so weird... It's worrying.

Larries don't care much about all that I presume because they have their headcanon about "stay-at-home-husband!Louis" and would rather discuss his personal life than his musical aspirations.

Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully unaware of this fucked up situation too, because it's very uneasy... but the facts are here. Once you know them you can decide wether you want to get into ~the discourse~ or tailor your fandom experience in another way. But you definitely shouldn't go around telling people that Louis doesn't want to be a big musician - again, so far from the truth (Larries have a hard time listening to what Louis really says, I've noticed.)

In the end, Louis persists and comes through no matter what so I know the festival will be great and I can't wait to see him perform with his long hair and his rock t-shirt. 🕯Manifesting 🕯

(To find new Louies mutuals, I suggest that you follow solo Louies' blogs. Here is my blog recs tag)

[jessica-read]

Jess walked up from the beach after an afternoon of swimming and enjoying the sun on a spectacular and secluded beach in Sa Coma, on the east coast of Majorca. She was proud of her looks and the stunning English woman on holiday had gotten her share of cat-calls in the town and decidedly favorable looks from the men who walked past as she read her book and occasionally checked her email to be sure all was well back home. She also garnered friendly smiles from several women and decidedly frostier looks from women who seemed nonplussed at their men's obvious attraction to her sensual curves.

She arrived at her hotel after a 5 minute walk along the perfectly white sand, made herself a reservation for dinner at a nearby restaurant and then headed up to her room to wash away sunscreen in a luxurious sunken bathtub and make herself up before going out. Jess remembered the days when makeup was really not an option if she cared to be accepted in the world. Jess's flawlessly feminine face had come only after significant effort, for years, full makeup had been mandatory to cover her beard, and then with time, dozens of appointments for laser and electrolysis hair removal.

This evening however, she loved that she could apply those skills she'd learned for hiding an unwelcome part of herself, to rather lightly brighten and accentuate her feminine features. If Jess's work kept her from being as social as she would like, she had learned to be far more confident than in her past that her looks eased the path of the social time she did have.

In just a couple of minutes she had applied a translucent foundation, accentuated her eyes, opening them up, applied minimal blush and a brilliant shade of red for a classic, simple look. Satisfied, she adjusted her lingerie, a brand new white bridal set from Aubade, checked that her stockings were set just right and then donned a designer white dress covered with black polka dots, the skirt met the bodice a bit high, making for an appearance of even longer legs than she'd been blessed with. The tops of her white stockings were never at risk of exposure, her pretty bust was displayed to good effect, the dress's scoop neckline showed no hint of her balconette brassiere, which accentuated her bust beautifully without offering provocation.

Jess's hair had a natural wave, her hair fell about her shoulders, framing her face in shimmering golden brunette lock. Jess put in her brilliant pearl solitare earrings, clipped on a matching neclace and finished her outfit, picking up her small black clutch and stepping from her flats into 4" Louboutin heels. The red of the soles was a nice contrast to the red of her satin lipstick. She applied a touch of Coco Mademoiselle to her pulse points and enjoyed the sharp citrus oriental which blended well with her feminine scent.

Jess walked into the beautiful hotel lobby, built in solid stone with Venetian glass accents and the lingering scent of rich coffee over the waxed hardwood floors. Her heels clicked subtly against the dark wood and as she exited the front doors, she passed by a strikingly handsome man who was entering. Jess smiled shyly and then blushed prettily as the man briefly made eye contact and then took in her whole appearance, head to toe, failing to hide his obvious interest. He wore a dark blue suit over a brilliant white shirt. He was just shy of 6 feet tall, just an inch over Jess's height in her stilettos.

Walking the short distance to her restaurant, Jess wondered about her fellow guest at the luxury hotel. Clearly he was some sort of executive, however he must also be on holiday, as there is no industry on Majorca. She expected he must have noticed her flush, the flustered hitch in her stride as they passed. Jess had little experience of men. As a young girl who didn't understand how she came to be trapped in a boy's body, she had always been repulsed by the boys in her school talking crudely about girls. As she grew older and the boys conjectures and boasts turned to experience, Jess turned to books, school and music. She had begun to understand that she could not continue to live as a man and that it was possible to find another way. Those were some desperate years.

Jess's family wasn't accepting at first. In time, the slightly built girl did get to know a sensitive friend, Sadie, who shared her interest in history and the young woman was open to Jess's gender and she eventually asked Jess if she might think she was a girl? Initially shocked, and yet inwardly she felt an immediate relief that fir the first time she could remember, Jess felt seen, and no less by a woman as pretty as she hoped to be someday. They quickly became and remained fast friends and over the years as Sadie helped Jess gain a little understanding of the romance that happened between men and women. Sadie had a small crush on Jess, and accepted that as Jess came into her own, it was clear that she was attracted to men.

Jess did learn a little about romance from Sadie, the first thing was how it felt to have someone see you and care and she cherished that. As she confessed to Sadie that she was beginning to be attracted to a boy in their Junior year of high school, Jess realized a new thing in her young life. She had a strong desire to be cared for and her first crush was as strong as any young girl's. Jess and Sadie talked about what they might enjoy in a relationship, Sadie taught Jess how to kiss and they fumbled a little through the mechanics of how Jess might submit to her crush's attention if only he would notice her. Jess was flushed after their "lessons" and she realized that Sadie's attentions went a bit beyond teaching and she had to ask Sadie to stop as she knew she could never reciprocate the more experienced girl's affections. Sadie was crushed and yet each knowing the other had an entirely unrequited affection for someone unavailable, their friendship was not lessened.

As they went off to university, Jess had begun to occupy herself with plans to transition. They wound up at different schools, and their friendship remained strong and they would write to each other weekly. Jess did well in school and the summer after her senior year she had been on feminizing hormones for 3 years, she was now finally ready for her gender confirmation surgery. Because she'd been so fully occupied between studies and the demands of transition, she had had no time to explore relationships or casual romance. She had frequent enough suitors, and never the desire for reciprocating a man's interest. Remembering this past, Jess walked slowly and reflected that finally she felt fully ready for love and romance and realized that even more than her busy career, her shyness and inexperience kept her from seeking that.

What she had learned was to be intimate with herself. After so many years of feeling mostly disassociated from her body, a few months after her surgery, Jess had been laying in bed after watching a new romantic comedy, ready for sleep. That night she'd chosen one of her prettier nightgowns, a babydoll in silky taffeta and rolling to her stomach, her breasts feeling heavy under the weight of her body, still fresh from an earlier bath, she felt her nipples harden. The film had been silly, yet a few of it's moments had touched her more deeply and she'd felt both a slight tearing in her eyes and warmth in her vagina.

Now, laying in bed, feeling aroused again, she had rolled a bit to her side, lifted her hand to her breast and immediately felt a flood of warmth and a new tightness centered on her clitoris. She had reached down at first tentatively and touched herself there and in that moment, she'd felt something completely new. Jess proceeded to lay prone, her head tucked like a small bird's into her shoulder stroking herself through her silken underwear, then reaching inside to feel her wetness flowing.

After that night, she continued to explore. She did not find release, when she got to a certain excitement, she always found she began to lose control of her hands. She also didn't mind. What she had discovered was a deeper, more lasting pleasure than anything she'd even imagined and a small voice told her that what she craved most was to experience orgasm at the hands of a lover. She did, in any case, begin to understand her body, treasure her response and another part of her wondered how would she ever come to share this with a lover?

Arriving at her restaurant, Jess, was asked to sit at the bar as her table was ready. She sipped a celebratory glass of sharp, flinty sancerre. Her mood a bit wistful, wishing her first big holiday could be spent with a special beau. Just as that thought crossed her mind, the handsome gentleman from her hotel sat just down the bar from her. Surprised, she smiled and her smile was returned. Jess's heart skipped several beats ash she slightly panicked as the man stood and walked over to introduce himself, "Hello miss, I'm so glad to run across you so soon after seeing you in the hotel foyer!, I'm John Michaels, may I ask your name and maybe join you for a glass of wine?".

Once again surprised, Jess found herself nodding and she simply said "I'm Jess, I'd love to sit with you while they prepare my table". He ordered a chardonnay and asked what brought her to Majorca. Of course they were both taking solo holidays, both were early into challenging careers and celebrating important projects just finished. Jess was in a sense terrified and yet this also felt like the culmination of a long journey. Almost completely inexperienced, nonetheless here she was, enjoying a conversation with John; she felt attracted to him and was amazed that conversation just seemed to flow, and even the silences in their conversation felt comfortable.

The Maitre d’ approached and told Jess her table was ready. She looked to John and asked “would you like to join me for dinner?”. John replied enthusiastically “Yes, please.” and the Maitre d’ nodded and lead them to a table set for two.

Looking over their menus, they talked about the Spanish menu and quickly agreed on what to order and what they wanted to share in. That done and wine ordered, the settled in and John asked her “Would you tell me a bit about yourself?”

Jess sighed, smiled and replied “Sure, there’s not a whole lot to tell”, thinking to herself “and maybe more than he’ll want to hear”. She proceeded to relate her schooling, talked about her bookish tendencies, her hobbies and her new and satisfying career. They traded some thoughts on work life in the new millennium, John being easily 10 years older than Jess, had seen a bit more change in his professional life. They found a lot in common in their tastes for food, art and other leisure time and continued to talk over their first course.

As that was cleared, Jess decided it was time to let her companion know up front that she was not a cisgender woman. She knew too many men and women who’d been rejected for being trans and indirectly of the dangers of a romantic partner finding out someone was trans after the fact. With a gulp and a small frown she said “I should tell you something”. John was a perceptive guy and caught the change in her demeanor, wondering what news this beautiful woman was going to drop.

Jess started “Because I’m attracted to you, and you’ve been fairly clear in your interest in me, I feel I should share this up front. I’m quite flattered you like me and this can be a deal breaker for a lot of men so I want you to know that I’m a transgender woman. I don’t know if that is something I need to explain and I’m glad to if you want”.

John replied “Thank you for telling me and I can easily be clear, I’m completely enraptured already in who you are. I’m glad you told me and I’d like to assure you, you didn’t need to. I am not ambivalent to transition status, in that I’ve already decided I like you and that’s all I need to know. I hope you’ll feel free to share as little or as much additionally about transition as you wish.”

Jess felt an amazing wave of relief, worry over the need to navigate these disclosures wasn’t a small part of why she’d long avoided dating and she was deeply relieved that on her first time, it seemed to have gone so easily. She said “Ok, wow, I’m relieved and thank you for understanding, I have to say at the very least I was expecting to have to do some explaining. Let’s leave it at that for now and when and if we get more intimate, I’ll certainly want to share how my path got me to where we are today.”

The proceeded to eat a marvelous meal and talked about their lives, a little about families, a lot about university and work. They didn’t share a lot of exact interests or activities, and yet there were overlaps and Jess felt that they shared a certain sympatico which had warmed considerably after her disclosure. She was glad that he clearly didn’t warm to her the way she had seen some men had, clearly fantasizing about an exotic body. Perhaps even more, she was glad he hadn’t asked if she had had gender confirmation surgery. Jess was entirely surprised it had gone so smoothly. She’d talked to so many sexually active trans friends who’d had nightmarish experiences, she felt happy and a bit lucky tonight.

Having finished their dinner, John asked if he could walk Jess back to their hotel. Elated, she inclined her head, and smiled, assenting. They walked slowly, listening to the music ringing out from a nearby nightclub, the soft rhythm of small waves finding the white beach and the occasional night bird singing out. Pausing to call Jess's attention to the blanket of stars a-shimmer over their heads, John took her hand in his and said "Jessica, you are an amazing woman and I'm so glad we've met". Jess smiled, nodded her head and replied "Thank You kind sir, I have rarely felt much special except in negative ways, I feel you're too kind?".

At that, John gently pulled her to him, leaned down and slowly wrapping his arm behind her, pulled her close enough that her breasts touched his chest. He moved slowly and with deliberation, allowing her many slow moments to pull away. Jess's heart was racing and much as she could not believe this was happening, it also felt like finally turning the corner on a path encompassing a couple of decades. She met his eyes, nervously parted her lips and then looked down as he leaned over to kiss her.

Jess was shocked at the electricity she felt throughout her body as their lips met. A warmth built in her abdomen. John's tongue sought hers and she responded to her first kiss since experimenting with Sadie and the first time ever that she truly wanted the overture she was receiving. Their kiss lasted and developed more passion and soon Jess began to feel that warmth in her core expand both to a flush across her chest and a distinct throbbing and flow of weness under her lacy underthings.

Her new beaux's hands moved smoothly to her thigh and to cradle the back of her head, pulling her hps to him and gently easing her head back, he began to kiss all over her face and neck, gentle yet also firm and assertive. Just as Jess was certain she was ready to give in to this moment, John felt that in her response and now lifted his hand up her torso, feeling her curves, Jess realized he must be noting the outlines of her fancy knickers, suspender and brassiere. Johns hand stopped at the swell of her breasts and closed, controlling her body through the soft fabric and firm yielding flesh.

Jess gasped and sought his mouth with hers, her reservations swept aside, she craved being taken by this calmly assertive man, now it was her pelvis that sought out his, feeling his hardness, she mewed and turned her lips towards his, mewling a little as she did and reading her desire he returned his mouth to hers and began a kiss more passionate than the last. Now John's hand shifted from her head down her body to lift the hem of her dress where he caressed her over the top of her stocking and slowly moved up toward her center. Now Jess was completely overwhelmed, throwing caution to the wind she welcomed submission to this attractive, sensitive man.

And just as quickly they slowed as they heard a group of voices, both men and women approaching on the other side of a line of trees. Gently, John slowed and afraid for a moment, Jess found herself glad of the interruption. For all the desire she felt to give in to the moment, she didn't want others to see her in dishabille, even on a romantic dark night in the Spanish Med. Their passion momentarily cooled, Jess met John's eyes, pulling away a fraction, she also leaned in to kiss him affirmatively. She knew she was ready to submit to what this man wanted for them this evening. As they kissed, John took her hand again and then said to her "Can I take you back to your room, or mine?".

Jess hesitated a fraction as the butterflies moved up from her belly to her chest, and then hesitantly answered "Yes, let's go to mine, please". Still holding hands they walked back to the road and along it under brass lamps and palm trees and a deep black Mediteranean sky, studded with stars.

Crossing back through the entrance where they'd met, Jess felt yet another small realization, she'd already had so many firsts tonight, a first kiss in passion, a first romantic date, her first experience of someone taking her to a place of pleasure. Now she was walking into a hotel with a man she'd met that very evening, past the desk staff and concierge, almost unbearably conscious that these were witnesses to her crossing a threshold with a significance only she knew -- was likely to be the loss of her virginity.

Jess was conscious of blushing and had a moment of fear that all those people would see her redness. And then, as quickly, she let go. Jess was 24, an adult and had worked diligently for a dozen years to make this reality possible. Still, feeling the butterflies, she was determined to own this moment.

In the elevator, she pressed the button for her floor, the fifth and then moved closer to John and lifted her lips for another kiss. She certainly didn't feel fully confident, however she had learned in university and her career that when she knew she'd put in the work to be ready for a thing, then doubts were best dispelled by taking the single step.

At her floor, they stepped out together and she turned toward her room, slipped the key into the old door and turned the lock. John gently pushed the door open and let her lead the way where she turned on one light dim by the bed, then turned off all the others and stepped to him. John said "are you OK, do you want to make love tonight?". Jess nodded her head emphatically and said quietly yet firmly "Yes, I am, please".

John now sat on the bed and motioned for her to come to him, she slipped off her heels and offered her mouth to his which he took passionately. Once again, his tongue sought out hers, she now turned her hands to his strong shoulders, down over his body, steadying herself as she felt anything but steady inside. It was as if her usually steady center had been replaced by an uncertain landscape and she enjoyed using him as a new center for her gravity.

John now reached to Jess's back and found the zipper to her dress. Gently opening the fastening, he caressed her back and she again felt her core go liquid hot and held him tight to steady herself. As the field of black dots over white slid down her body to crumple about her legs, John gasped as if he had never seen as lovely a sight. Jess was aware also that against her lightly tanned skin, the pearls, the bridal-white lace lingerie was brilliant and framed her curves so well, she had no doubt she was desirable.

Once again he took her firmly in his hands, one on her left breast, another on her waist and felt her quiver at his touch, then gently guided her to sit beside him on the bed. John stoold and began to disrobe himself. His body was barely tanned as he removed his shirt. His physique was beautiful, reasonably chiseled and yet he did not look like a gym addict. Next he removed his shoes and socks, set them carefully away from the bed and then, unfastening his belt, stripped off his trousers and underwear togther.

Jess took in his body and was glad he was so handsome. She didn't require this, and at the same time, didn't mind, she also immediately took in that his penis was not small and was semi-erect, a little intimidated, she was also drawn to it, aching to discover what it would be like as they made love. She pulled back the coverlet and sheets and moved herself to lay on the bed on her side, making it clear she wanted him to now take the lead. He now moved beside her, moved her hand to her hip, kissed her hard and urged her to lay back for him.

Jess melted into the bed as she felt her first man move over her, his manhood hanging down to graze her hip as he placed a leg between hers to nudge her to slightly part them, making way for him. He traced his lips down to her breasts and kissed, taking them in his hands to let her know he considered the sensitive flesh to be his property and then pulled his thumbs up to lightly roll her already hard nipples, electrifying them and sending a jolt down to her pussy. Rubbing his now fully erect shaft aginst the mound between her legs, he returned to her mouth and took his ownership, penetrating her lips with his tongue. Jess's pelvis now rocked to meet his motions and for a while they simply kissed like that as she became more aroused by the moment. John brought her hand to his shaft now and let her feel its silken covered hardness, its weight and told her to stroke him. She complied eagerly and she realized that right then what she wanted most was for him to penetrate her.

John had a different plan. slowly pulling away he now knelt between her legs slipped his fingers under her lace white underwear, and, urging her to lift her hips, pulled the high waisted garment off and down her legs. He then brought his face to her mound and used his tongue and lips to begin teasing her into a place she had wanted and yet not fully imagined. John wandered over her flesh, nibbling here, probing there, seeking for her clitoris and finding it caressing her body with his hands as he drove her towards ecstasy with his mouth. He traced her suspender belt, up and down her stocking clad leg as Jess began to writhe and again, rock her hips to meet him. Now he added first one and then two fingers inside her, lightly exploring her wetness, learning her response before taking her the way they both knew she wanted and now urgently needed.

Jess could feel an orgasm was close. and wanting it, she also now wanted her lover to make her his by taking her as she had always imagined being taken by a lover. As if by command, he now rose and sat up to caress her breasts and look into her eyes. "Are you ready for me Jess?, may I take your virginity?". "Yes, please John" she said, "I can't believe this is happening and yes it's what I want". He took her head in his left hand, holding her by her long hair and then taking his shaft in his other hand, brought it to her entrance, which was slick with her arousal, he rubbed the head slowly into her, lubricating himself and a the same time bringing a gasp from her, followed by a quiet moan "Yes, oh John, please take me now" she said.

leaning forward, he now ran himself up and down over Jess's clitoris, making them both even more ready and then let himself slowly into her. He held himself back a bit, watching her closely as he filled her a little at a time and seeing that she winced a little and then moaned again in deep pleasure, he finished filling her. Now John slowly stroked inside Jess, taking pleasure as she parted her legs farther and made room for him to take her more deeply, her white stockings against his skin and then her breasts being lightly crushed as he lowered himself to embrace her tightly and began to thrust harder. Jess moaned and was vaguely aware of her gladness that the walls were stone and anyone in an adjacent room would be unlikely to hear her ecstacy. As he felt her arousal build, he continued to penetrate her deeply, faster, slower, more or less deeply yet always insistent on seeking pleasure for both of them.

Soon Jess felt an inevitable climax upon her. Lost from any sense of control, completely wrapped up in this beautiful man taking her for both his pleasure and hers, she now began to quiver and then her orgasm exploded from her core and out to her whole body. She was a goddess, clad in virginal lace being driven to a height she could only experience. Oblivious to all around her, she held this man to her as he took her forcefully. She nearly lost consciousness and, feeling her slow and relax, for the moment spent, he now slowed and simply rested inside her as she rode out the after-shocks of her first orgasm.

John now wanted to take his weight off of his beautiful new lover and he easily rolled over, still filling her and handily flipped her astride himself. Already rousing from her bliss Jess knew she wanted one more thing, to see him finish and to take him into herself again as he did. She smiled and said "Oh my, that was amazing and I don't think you have come yet, can we continue?".

Smiling back, John nodded. He held her by her waist and began to thrust again. Jess immediately felt her pleasure rise again and sensed that now John was ready to take his own from her. Indeed, his hands now roamed down over her suspender belt and stockings, yet again tracing the curves of the lingerie, her broad hips and then back to hold her breasts. She was amazed to now find her new lover was fully suspending her weight in his strong arms. While she was astride, there was no doubt that he was in control and he now entered her at the pace he wanted, caressing where he would and taking his pleasure in her body. Jess felt deliciously used, wanted and above all controlled, now she was a plaything for his pleasure. Again, she moaned without control and while she could feel his climax was coming, in her rapture at being so completely controlled, she now orasmed again.

Jess now went virtually limp as John continued to penetrate her and lowered her down to him to kiss her deeply as he finished their coupling. She was little more than a rag doll now, her second orgasm released and now echoing in after-shocks receding as he finally built to his finish. Jess felt him explode inside her and the shred of consciousness she kept hold of now coalesced in a sense of pride that she was strong enough to allow herself to be used for a lover's pleasure.

Now they collapsed together. Jess had 5 days left to her holiday and she knew she would spend much of that with John. She drifted off thinking to herself: "my lover".

Written by @sadies-musings

[brokenbuttonsmusic]

Eleni Mandell: L.A. Singer-Songwriter with Smoky Chrissie Hynde Vocals and a flair for Tom Waits’ Influenced Experimentation

This post is a near- transcript of the Broken Buttons: Buried Treasure Music podcast (episode 5, side A). Here you’ll find the narration from the segment featuring the L.A. singer-songwriter, Eleni Mandell, along with links, videos, photos and references for the episode.

Listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple, Anchor or Mixcloud.

Have you ever bought the wrong record? Like, you intended to buy something that sounded like one thing and you accidentally grab something that sounds very different. 

I don’t know if this happens anymore, but I believe it was quite common years ago. Imagine hearing an artist on the radio and being blown away. You go to the record store, find the plastic divider with the name of whom you’re looking for, but you can’t remember the name of the album, or even the song. Remember, you don’t have a tiny computer in your pocket. You’re too nervous to ask the store clerk for fear of looking stupid. So you roll the dice. 

“I know it was someone called Neil Young, but there are a thousand Neil Young records here.”

“Hey, this pink one looks cool.”

That exact scenario didn’t happen to me, but that album, Neil Young’s Everybody’s Rockin’, happened to be the most played Neil Young album in my house growing up, so for years I thought Neil Young was a rockabilly revival act. In reality, that was one of several oddball records Young released during a tumultuous period with his record label to fulfill his contract demands. I still love that record. 

Eleni Mandell did live out the scenario of buying the wrong record though. She shared the story during a segment of the show Bullseye with Jessie Thorn, where she describes seeing Tom Waits on MTV late at night—back when MTV still cared about music. It was either 120 minutes or IRS’ The Cutting Edge. This would have been around 1984 or 1985, so right around the time of Wait’s masterpiece Rain Dogs. When she went to the record store though, she picked up the 1976 Tom Waits’ Asylum release, Small Change instead. Now Small Change is still a great Tom Waits album, but it sounds nothing like the drastically reimagined sound and musical approach he had begun to employ starting with 1983’s Swordfishtrombones. Something Tom Waits called his “junkyard orchestral deviation.” The spare, off-kilter percussion. Moaning trombones and muted trumpets. Marimba. Plenty of marimba. Experimental instruments mixed in everywhere. Megaphones and CB radios. Trash can lids. 

This is the sound Eleni was looking for. 

Instead she got lush strings. Delicate piano. Cinematic swells and a melancholy wail. 

She got this.

Still awesome, but not the same. She credits the experience with changing her life. She grew to love both sides of the Tom Waits coin. The jazzy piano man in the smoky, whiskey-drenched nightclub and the eclectic, experimental carnival barker that she had her first encounter with on late night MTV. 

You can hear that deep appreciation and influence for the full Tom Waits spectrum injected and swirling through Eleni Mandell’s own spectacular catalog that spans more than 20 years now. 

She’s got plenty of experimental Waits, especially in her early catalog. 

And quite a bit of the jazzy nightclub vibe.

There’s also plenty of folk-y Eleni mixed in, and even some country.

You’ll notice that Eleni’s voice doesn’t sound like Tom Waits though. Did you notice that? It’s less of a deep, gravelly howl and more of rich Chrissie Hynde croon. Spin compared her to Chrissie Hynde and PJ Harvey. Rolling Stone compared her captivating melodies and witty lyricism to early Elvis Costello. 

While she doesn’t have the Tom Waits’ wail, she does specialize in his particular brand of character song-study. Like this first song we’re going to hear. The first track off of Eleni Mandell’s second album Thrill. Released in the year 2000. This is Pauline. 

Pauline, from Eleni Mandell’s second record, Thrill. So how did this remarkably unique singer-songwriter get her start and pull together so many interesting influences to create the sound we just heard.

Eleni grew up in the Sherman Oaks region of the San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles. She started playing music when she was just 5, beginning with the violin and then piano. Eleni didn’t love playing either, but continued to take lessons until she was thirteen. She remembers wanting to learn to write songs early on, but didn’t have the first idea of how to approach it, especially on violin. She jumped from violin and piano to guitar as a teenager. Her parents exposed her to a variety of musical styles. Her mom would take her to musicals and her dad, a serious record collector, played her Hoagy Carmichael and plenty of jazz standards. She loved the Beatles and remembers Diana Ross making an early impression. 

Another early life changing moment came when she discovered the Los Angeles punk band X.

X were huge in LA, and their first album (called Los Angeles) was the first record Eleni ever owned. Or maybe the first she asked to own. The first record she was ever given was Shaun Cassidy’s greatest hits for her 4th birthday. The first she ever purchased with her own money was X’s third release, Under the Big Black Sun. She tells a story of when she was out record shopping at a place called Aron’s Records, located on Melrose, and to her utter befuddlement came face to face with John Doe, lead singer of X. He was shopping for records too. She quickly snapped up a copy of the band’s third album and asked John to sign it. He did. She still has the signed album, which reads “Yours” complete with a big X “-John Doe.” That was the last autograph she ever asked for. It was not, however, the last time her path would cross with that of the band X. 

When she was a little bit older, she met Chuck E. Weiss, songwriter, rock n’ roller, beat poet and peculiar Tom Waits associate. Also the subject of the song, Chuck E.’s in Love.

Yes, that Chuck E. Weiss. Waits was in a relationship with Rickie Lee Jones. Waits, Jones and Weiss all lived at the seedy Tropicana Motel in Los Angeles. One day Weiss up and left out of nowhere. Some time later Chuck E. called the apartment where Jones and Waits were living. He explained to Waits that he had moved to Denver because he had fallen in love with a cousin there. Waits hung up the phone and announced to Jones, “Check E.’s in love. Rickie Lee Jones liked that so much that she it turned it into the song we just heard. 

Who is this episode about again? Oh, right. Eleni Mandell. Anyway, Eleni Mandell met THAT Chuck E. Weiss when she was not yet 21. Still, she had a friend who was able to get her into The Central, a Sunset Strip club that would later become The Viper Room. This would’ve been around 1990. Weiss was playing there every Monday. 

Here’s how the write up on Eleni’s original website describes her first encounter with Weiss.

“The first time she ever saw Chuck E. Weiss perform, he walked right up to her and smiled like a cross between The Cheshire Cat and an escaped mental patient. She met him a month later at Musso and Frank’s.”

Eleni says she was at the famous Hollywood restaurant and recognized Weiss. She worked up the courage to approach him and told him how much she loved his show. He asked if she wanted to accompany him to meet up with a friend at Canter’s Deli. She agreed. When they settled into one of the landmark eaterys iconic red, vinyl booths in walked her hero. Tom Waits. What a night. Tom asked Chuck how he and Eleni had met. 

“Hebrew school,” he declared. 

Here’s a tune from Eleni’s debut album, Wishbone, released in 1999. This is Sylvia. 

From Eleni Mandell’s first album, Wishbone, that was Sylvia. 

Under Chuck E. Weiss’ mentorship, produced by Jon Brion and self-financed by Mandell, Wishbone, as well as her next several records, received strong reviews and drew comparisons to Waits and PJ Harvey in style. 

Before Weiss mentored Mandell, he hired her as a door person at his club. She said he would test her to see how tough a door person she was by trying to grab money out of her hand. Weiss would continue to mentor Eleni over the years and they’re still friends to this day. 

For her fourth album, Mandell shook things up by diving into traditional country. A mix of covers and originals, 2003’s Country For True Lovers is an exciting update to her sound. And one of her life changing moments came full circle. Weiss introduced her to former X guitarist Tony Gilkyson, who produced the project. She also stacked the sessions with all star players, including Nels Cline from Wilco, and another X hero, drummer D.J. Bonebreak. 

Eleni continued to mix and mesh genres on her next release, 2004’s Afternoon. 

From the No Depression review of that album:

“Last years Country For True Lovers found Los Angeles chanteuse Eleni Mandell turning her sights on twang rather than her previous more PJ Harvey-oriented material, and she received plenty of critical acclaim in the process, sharing the LA Weekly 2003 songwriter of the year award with the late Elliot Smith.”

“On Afternoon, her fifth album, Mandell combines her love of various genres, including country, pop, jazz and rock, to stunning effect. Produced by Joshua Grange, who also lends his considerable talents on guitar, pedal steel, Hammond organ and piano, Afternoon mostly takes the slow and sexy approach. I’ve Been Fooled and Can’t You See Im Soulful give Mandell the chance to show off her breathy but passionate alto, which can devastate in a heartbeat.”

“Mandell does rock out from time to time, as on Easy On Your Way Out, which has a grungy Elvis Costello-gets-on-with-Liz Phair feel to it. I wanna be your afternoon/I want you coming back for more, Mandell sings on the sorta fun/sorta sad title song.”

She can also write catchy singles. Like this song from Afternoon, “Let’s Drive Away.”

That was Let’s Drive Away from Eleni Mandell’s fifth album, Afternoon, released in 2004. That song was also featured on the TV show, Weeds.

And here comes the challenging part of covering an artist like Eleni Mandell, who’s put out consistently solid albums for over two decades. There’s not enough time to feature all the good stuff she’s produced, but trust me, over her eleven albums, she always delivers. From the diverse shifting sounds of Artificial Fire [play clip] to the smooth and breezy Dark Lights Up [play clip], Eleni whirls a magical combination of jazz, folk, pop, country and rock, with just enough experimental twists to keep everything fresh. 

She’s also branched out from her solo artist gig to release two albums with her band The Grabs. The Grabs allows her to exercise more of her pop side and features Eleni on vocals, Blondie bassist Nigel Harrison, and Silversun Pickups’ drummer Elvira Gonzalez. 

And, she’s also released records with the Andrews Sisters inspired supergroup, The Living Sisters, with Inara George, Alex Lilly and Becky Stark.

I’d recommend checking out all of this. 

So now that we’ve established that the Eleni Mandell road is paved with the goods, let’s skip ahead to focus on her most recent album: 2019’s Wake Up Again.

Here’s what Eleni and her website have to say about the latest release: 

“For two years or thereabouts,” Mandell says, “I taught songwriting at two colleges and a women’s prison.”

The prison gig came about via Jail Guitar Doors, the organization founded by Wayne Kramer, guitarist of the vaunted Detroit band MC5, in partnership with English musician Billy Bragg. “I don’t know why exactly I was drawn to that work,” Mandell says. “But I had a family member who had been in prison in the 1940s. He wasn’t around when I was growing up, but that sort of fascinated me and I was always curious about what kind of person disappears and what kind of person commits crimes — what are they thinking?”

Working with the inmates also provided many epiphanies for her as a person, and proved fertile for her as an artist, as captured in the 11 songs on this album, her 11th studio release. In many ways it’s the culmination and fulfillment of all the strengths as a writer and performer going back to her start under the tutelage of Chuck E. Weiss, Tom Waits and other top chroniclers of people in the shadows.

“I really enjoyed it,” she says. “I was inspired by the stories, and surprised by the laughter I heard there. And I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was, by how many different kinds of people were there: teachers, lawyers, nurses, and also people who grew up in poverty.”

Here’s a song about one of the woman she met during those songwriting classes she taught. This is Evelyn.

Evelyn from Eleni Mandell’s most recent album, Wake Up Again. Another great addition to her expansive, impressive catalog. The album is filled with rich character studies and deeply personal self-examinations.

Her early Tom Waits inspiration continues to ignite and propel her, even after 11 albums. Only now she can call Tom a longtime friend. 

And she went from obsessive punk rock X fan to counting a member of X as a member of her own band. What a cool, thrilling ride she’s had so far. Eleni Mandell. 

References and other stuff:

Eleni interview with Luxury Wagers

Eleni interview with Mr. Bonzai

Eleni interview with Tyler Pollard on Timeline

The bio from Eleni’s current website has a great write up on her most recent album and I quote from it in the episode.

No Depression review of Afternoon that I quote in the episode

Here is the original bio from Eleni’s old website that is now archived. I also quote from this

Eleni has been featured on NPR segments over the years. I did not use anything directly from these, but they are good and informative

Pop Matter review of Dark Lights Up

Good L.A. Times article about Eleni teaching songwriting to female inmates and her latest album

[nicolehampton]

{ OLIVIA O’BRIEN . CIS FEMALE .  24 . SHE/HER }  did you see that { NICOLE HAMPTON } just pulled up in hidden hills with { BRODY ROBERTS } sitting next to them in the passengers seat - isn’t that cute ! you know, for a { LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST & MODEL }, i’ve heard they’re really { SELF-INDULGENT }, but that they make up for it by being so { APPEALING }. i see them all the time on snapchat && yesterday in US WEEKLY i read that they { HAVE  } a son named asher - can you believe that ?!

{ OLIVIA O’BRIEN . CIS FEMALE .  24 . SHE/HER }  did you see that { NICOLE HAMPTON } just pulled up in hidden hills with { DEREK KING } sitting next to them in the passengers seat - isn’t that cute ! you know, for a { LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST & MODEL }, i’ve heard they’re really { SELF-INDULGENT }, but that they make up for it by being so { APPEALING }. i see them all the time on snapchat && yesterday in US WEEKLY i read that they { HAVE  } a son named zeus - can you believe that ?! **zeus is her oldest child

TW: MENTIONS OF ABUSE, DRUGS, LIQUOR

i’ll edit and add zeus and derek into her bio when i can figure out how to piece them in correctly && after i’ve plotted with my pairs xoxo

basic info.

name. nicole janelle hampton. birth date. september 14, 1996. pronouns. she/her. species. rebel child. hometown. beverly hills, ca. sexuality. bisexual. occupation. host of THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH NICOLE HAMPTON & model

physical.

height. 5'1. eye color. green. hair color. brunette/blonde. build. petite/curvey. tattoos. 9. piercings. 8. scars. one on her left upper thigh. style. boho chic. faceclaim. olivia o’brien.

in-depth.

zodiac. virgo. mbti. intp. mental. depression. eyesight. excellent. drug use. some, weed, cocaine, molly. alcohol use. socially. languages. english, french.

basics.

◦ nicknames: nicki, niks, nik, baby, that bitch.

◦ age: 24

◦ hair: blonde

◦ eyes: greenish blue

◦ sexuality: bisexual

◦ family: zeus king (son) age 6, asher brody roberts (son) age 5, noel hampton (older sister) age 25, ivette hampton (mother estranged) age 39, david hampton (father estranged) age 41.

bio.◦ 

Nicole, being the baby of the family, was an angel from the time she was born until around 16. In her infancy she was, as her family praised, one of the most peaceful children they’d ever encountered. Her mother adored her, despite the fact that Nicole was a through-and-through daddy’s girl. Her parents were the head chair members for the CBS broadcasting network. As a result, she grew up loving all things pretty and glittery - and even becoming spoiled in her youth. She was an avid wearer of makeup and spent much of her time playing dress-up with her sister. 

Her parents wanted their children involved in extracurriculars from a young age, forcing Nicole into singing lessons and dance classes which filled much of her free time. To further monopolize on much of Nicole’s childhood, she was ushered into numerous beauty pageants alongside her sister, feeling entirely inadequate whenever the crown wasn’t bestowed upon her (however rare those times were). Through her own interest, she discovered a passion for writing music and its accompanying lyrics. A habit she carried with her throughout her entire life. Nicole had always whirred with creative energy, and constantly cracked jokes.

Nicole’s ambitions and personality unexpectedly shifted when she entered High School. This was where she truly found a way in which to grow into herself. Seemingly overnight (to those around her) she transitioned from a dainty wallflower into a turbulent, exciting, free-spirited (and self proclaimed) wild child. Much to the dismay of her loving family (her mother complaining that she was the source of a near constant “nikki-ache”, or migraine in layman's terms). On her 15th birthday, as if a gift from the universe, she was offered a modeling contract from a renowned modeling agency, Zarzar. It was through her pursuit of modeling that she got a taste, and addiction to the limelight. A year later, on her 16th birthday, she won the title of Miss Teen California. Between modeling and her consistent extracurriculars she continued to foster a stronger tendency to be rebellious and “wild”. She found herself on a never-ending merry-go-round of parties, drinking and sneaking out. With this newly forged nightlife she began dabbling in something more sinister, deciding that the drink simply wasn’t enough, she began finding drugs, another viable rebellion.  ( i mean what good is having family money if you don’t spend daddy’s hard-earned cash on drugs, right? ) Despite being the center of attention, which is what she thought was all she’d possibly need, sweet Nicole also noticed she never truly seemed happy.

Often she struggled with depression as a result of pressure placed on her to be the perfect picture daughter her parents desperately wanted her to be. Even though she was always her father’s little princess, she struggled to find independence, her own footing, and her place in the world.

At the age of 18, Nicole moved out on her own savings due to an on-going struggle with drugs ( mostly cocaine, but she wasn’t really picky...she liked to joke that she abused any and everything equally ) and seemingly never-ending fights at home which caused a considerable rift between her and the rest of the picture-perfect Hampton family. 

That same year, Nicole found a new way to establish herself and maintain her lifestyle. she began stripping at Synn Gentleman’s Club, a high-end strip club in West Hollywood. She’d met many of her current connections while stripping, subsequently cutting off all connection with her family soon after, except for her sister. 

Right before her 19th birthday during a shift at Synn, she was assigned to work the VIP section wherein she met a man by the name Brody Roberts, a reputable ( and darkly alluring ) producer and director, who quickly took a liking to Nicole. It didn’t take long for them to hit it off. he’d frequent the club she worked, getting only a dance. Once the two were done, he’d leave her an egregious tip and venture from the club until the following night. 

The two engaged in this dangerous courtship for long enough that brody became tiresome of this charade and presented Nicole with a devious ultimatum: in order for her livelihood to continue ( ie. getting bestowed large sums of money nightly ) she’d have to renounce her days on the pole for days on his arm (or face immediate termination and blacklisting from any and all reputable clubs within a feasible radius). An offer she couldn’t refuse. She knew he would be able to support her and offer the life she’d once been accustomed to before falling out with her family. 

Soon thereafter, Nicole had found herself living with brody and became his kept woman. her days were filled with a monotony of repetition that Nicole quickly realized she wanted to escape. she’d managed to save enough money to find herself a small place and the day before she signed the lease, she fainted from exhaustion during her morning run and was taken to the hospital. upon receiving bloodwork the cause of her fainting was actually an unknown pregnancy. 

Nine months later, they welcomed a son, Asher Brody Roberts. 

Asher was a difficult baby ( often sick, colicky ) causing additional strain on a relationship which had already nearly met its end. That's when Nicole made her change. It started small, distancing her own finances from that of her son’s father, she then began to dabble in music and amassed a sizable social media following which allowed her to jump-start her career separate from her estranged boyfriend.

Two years later, with meticulous planning and the help of her best friend Olivia and Olivia’s boyfriend Jaxson King Nicole was able to move all of her and asher’s belongings out of the home during a week long shoot that brody was on. 

Nicole did not get a clean nor healthy break from a relationship that had already drained her for the better part of four years. She knew that she had lost part of her formative years (being 18 when she’d met the man with whom she would share a part of her life forever, and stuck until she was 22) to Brody, a manipulative and narcissistic man who she hated to adore. Her heart ached every single time she’d hear his specific text tone, or see his name take over her phone screen. She’d wanted desperately to contact the police, to see what kind of assistance she could get from what she only knew as harassment (ultimately to be talked off the ledge by Olivia). 

Nearly a week after Nicole had made her grand (and melodramatic) departure in the night, she found herself in a meeting over coffee with the man whose bed she’d shared for years. She was anxious and cranky and was met with cold smugness from her counterpart. Brody, a smart and wealthy man, was not going to relinquish his prize without a painful fight. As he sipped his coffee, and with all of the curtness he would bestow upon a perfect stranger, Brody announced to her that if she did not willfully come back - he would charge her with the kidnapping of his son. A toddler.

Nicole spiraled in that very second. She knew he meant it, and she knew that with his power and connections (all fueled by money) he could paint her into the narrative that best suited him, and that would force her to lose custody. With reluctance and all of the self-preservation she could muster, Nicole collected her and Asher’s belongings and returned to the home she thought she’d managed to escape. 

It didn’t take long for Brody to feel comfortable again, thinking he’d created a chess game that he couldn’t lose. He began taking on more projects, longer commitments of his time, while Nicole was left to plot alone with their son. It was during one of these extended periods of Brody-ness bliss that Nicole's wandering eye and coyote-caught-in-a-trap mentality bested her. She’d met another man. 

Theo, the focus of her attention, was the antithesis of Brody: sensitive, kind, wholesome, charismatic and most of all not a blatant narcissist. He was genuinely, unapologetically and irrevocably good. Everything she hadn’t sought out, nor thought she wanted. Yet, everything she needed. Nicole found herself diving headfirst into a hidden relationship. She brought him around her son, whom he was fantastic with, and she knew in that second: she was going to run to him. 

Nicole convinced Theo to contact a lawyer on her behalf so as to not leave a trace that Brody could stumble upon. She found the legal course of action that she could take in order to move herself and Asher out of the home Brody owned, and made her second escape. Straight into the arms and home of her secret lover. 

Brody discovered, to his grand dismay, that he had no legal recourse for Nicole and that he would inevitably have to allow this sleeping dog to lie. The two worked out a custody arrangement that neither were truly happy with, and she found a new false sense of security in their world. 

Having rid herself of the relationship that was hindering her and Theo’s happiness, the two allowed themselves to date. To even make the leap into falling in love. They dated for a little over a year and in that time Nicole’s life had taken a turn. She found the independence she’d longed for, her career took an upturn. For the first time in her life, Nicole was unstoppable. 

After dating for a year, Nicole and Theo decided to get married. The couple took their time planning the wedding, Theo understanding Nicole’s struggles, and hesitancy in regards to marriage. He’d been kind, patient, and loving which prompted Nicole to take the leap during a trip to Aspen. They planned a speedy wedding and everything appeared copacetic until mid-ceremony when the officiant asked if there were any objections and no other than an uninvited guest spoke out. 

At that moment Nicole was faced with a difficult decision: she could marry the man she had grown to love or forfeit him for the man she knew was bad for her… in every sense, two could be hazardous to one-another.

In a moment of panic, Nicole chose self-preservation. Sparing herself the internal turmoil of being stuck with a choice she didn’t feel right, she fled from the altar and in a flash of white disappeared from the church. In her wake, she left behind two shell-shocked men, and a conglomeration of confused attendees. 

During the days that followed Nicole sought refugee on the couches and spare beds of friends who welcomed her and her son while her former fiance packed her things and the memories of the life they were once committed to sharing. 

While still reeling from everything that had transpired during the aforementioned weeks, she had managed to gain a sense of resolve and clarity for the first time in her adult life. She was without a romantic partner for the first time in her adult years, and instead, her life was now solely committed to herself and her son. She got a place for the two of them, somewhere she was proud to call home and make their own. She found stronger footing in her musical career, something she’d been unable to fully dedicate herself to before. And she managed to gather the reigns on her own life, without the assistance of anyone else. 

Nicole had built herself into a woman she didn’t think she’d ever become. Someone who her son deserved. A bright, powerful individual with a life uniquely her own. Who had finally gotten the self-respect to realize she didn’t require a man to get by. That her own tenacity could carry her to places she’d only dreamed.

Granted, in this whirlwind of growth and development, she didn’t avoid a struggle here and there. Namely in the form of waking up in the bed of a man that she didn’t belong with. A man whose son she raised alone. 

[nad-zeta]

🌚Um.. a matchup for Ikesen, please? I'm usually confident, hardworking, and diligent. I'm considered the "star of the class" and a real genius and nerd, but I enjoy having fun as well! I love to draw manga, watch anime, play Otome and RPG games, listen to music, play the guitar, and sing! I'm a sensitive bean and I cry a lot if I do something wrong. I have a habit of blaming myself although I'm trying to stop that habit. I'm empathetic and I always try to make others happy by helping them. 1/2

🌚My confidence lies in what I do best. I love to speak in front, such as doing speech and public speaking, because I love to talk and inspire. I try my best to be helpful to others, but sometimes I try too much to please everyone. I'm a bit chubby and I'm a bit insecure but I try to be confident in my looks but I can't help it, food is life, hehe. My eyes are a unique brown especially when the sunlight shines through, my hair is also brown. I'm quite short, about 153-155 cm. Thank you! 2/2

Hi hi, love! 🌻Thank you so so much for the request!😆❤ Sorry for taking sooooo long! 😱I hope you enjoy it and i hope you have the best day! ❤🌻

So I match you with............. Sasuke

When you first arrive in the past and save Nobunaga from death by fire, you were hella confused. You have no idea what had happened to you, and honestly you low key thought it was some kind of prank. You laughed when nobunga told you, just who he was and what year it was. You looked around the tree line for the hidden cameras, but there was non. Honestly, things only started to feel real once you arrived at the castle and Nobunaga named you as princess.

From day one, you worked hard to earn the oda forces trust and respect. You were incredibly diligent, and soon all suspicion of you being a spy was dropped. You honestly brought new life into the castle, as your hard work inspired some of the lazier maids to pull up their socks, they couldn’t dare let the new princess outshine them. You went up and beyond what was expected of you, and the small details of your work certainly didn’t go unnoticed. Especially your addition of flowers in every room of the castle, which you would handpick every few days, it just seemed to brighten up the place and give it livelier energy.

TBH you were a big fan of history, so you knew the history of these historical figures pretty well. You low key had to catch yourself sometimes, especially before you completely nerd out in front of them. Especially when talking to Ieyasu, you had been a big fan of him since learning about him in history class, in fact, you were secretly fangirling over all the warlords. 

It got a bit lonely at times, you missed your friends and being able to chat about your favourite animes and mangas. You loved your new warlord friends, but it still felt like they just weren’t on the same wavelength as you. Your hobbies and interests were just so different, and you found it difficult to relate to them sometimes.

After Hideyoshi stop suspecting you of being an assassin, he became like your second mother, and today was a prime example of that. He had handed you a bag full of golden coins and shooed you to the markets to relax and take a load off. You wandered around aimlessly until something caught your attention. A nerdy looking guy wearing a white science coat, you got a bit closer and when you overheard his conversation with his friend you were positive, HE WAS ALSO FROM THE FUTURE. You were so excited to have finally met someone, not from this time that you instantly tapped him on the shoulder. You thought of a phrase that you could ask him, which would quickly confirm whether or not he was from your time. “Excuse me, dude could you please spill the tea on where you’re from.” You knew If he was truly from the future, he wouldn’t question your lingo or your addressing him as dude. Sasuke stared at you shook, just when you began to question whether he really was from the future, he gave a slither of a smile and said, “Exe.Sasuke stopped working, need to reboot,” all while doing some strange robot dance. The two of you laughed, leaving a very confused Yuki looking at the two of you. 

Sasuke took yours and Yuki’s hands and dragged both of you to the nearest teahouse where he explained that he had been looking for you for four years. “WHAT YOU’RE FROM THE FUTURE.” Yuki was in a state of shock, he always suspected Sasuke had a secret with the weird way he talked but never in a million years did he think this was possible. Meanwhile, you were over the moon as not only was Sasuke from the future, but he was also a fellow nerd 

Since that day, the three of you would hang out together every day. You finally found a friend that could understand all your nerdy jokes and references. Often the two of you would go to the teahouse together when Yuki was busy with work. You and Sasuke would legit chat for hours and hours about your favourite animes, otome games and mangas. When Yuki would finally join the two of you after work, it was standard procedure for you guys to tease the poor boy until he was as red as a beet. Sasuke loved that he had finally found a fellow intellectual and nerd as sometimes it was difficult to bounce ideas off his BFF, as let’s face it Yuki didn’t understand half the words that would come out of Sasuke’s mouth.

It had definitely become a tradition for the three of you to play boards at least once a week. Both you and Sasuke loved playing RPG games in the future, so the two of you banded together to create the closest version to that in this Sengoku period. You honestly loved these weekly game nights with the boys. It gave you a sense of nostalgia, and you couldn’t help but smile at the great time you were having with your new friends. These game nights were always filled with witty banter, plenty of junk food and a ton of laughs.

At some point, Kenshin and Shingen had come to visit their vassal only to walk into the room with, Yuki flipping the table in frustration, while you and Sasuke gripped your sides in laugher at his sore loser behaviour. Since then the god of war and Tiger of Kai would occasionally join your game nights, which you always enjoyed. The more people to tease and beat, the better. 

Soon it came time for them all to go back home and prepare for the war that was brewing between the two forces. You couldn’t help but cry when Sasuke and Yuki had come to say their goodbyes. You, after all, were a sensitive little bean and you were definitely going to miss nerding out and joking around. You sat alone in your room when suddenly out of thin air Kenshin jumped down from your roof, you were sister shook. Kenshin had been watching you and Sasuke for some time now during your game nights. He knew at this point that his ninja had fallen in love with you and honestly despite looks, Kenshin had a soft spot for those who he held dear. He asked if you would like to live in his castle with the wacky bunch, even going as far as offering you a job to sweeten the deal. You loved the oda forces, and they were definitely like family to you, but honestly, you had too long ago fallen for the nerdy ninja boy. Plus over time you had really come to love Kenshin and the gang. You definitely didn’t hesitate to accept Kenshin’s offer. You quickly packed up all your belongings and wrote a long letter to each of the Oda forces expressing how much you loved and was going to miss them. 

You made your way to Kasugayama with Kenshin to arrive on the evening of Sasuke’s birthday. Kenshin smiled as he walked into the banquet hall with you trailing behind him, “Sasuke I have a birthday gift for you.” Sasuke looked up and locked eyes with you, he was ecstatic. You simply smiled and walked over to your long time friend and handed him a birthday gift that you had managed to make for him on your journey to Kasugayama. 

You had hand-drawn him a manga, not only that but on the last page of this homemade manga was a confession of love. When Sasuke realized that you had felt the same way he did, he used his hand towel to very dramatically dab away his fake tears, before capturing you in his arms and showering your face in small kisses. You couldn’t help but break into the biggest blush as everyone at the banquet cheered and whistle. Honestly, they had never seen Sasuke ever show any kind of emotion, but now with you in his arms, he was wearing the biggest smile and radiating pure happiness.

Sasuke loved everything about you. He loved that you could sing and play instruments. He could listen to your beautiful voice for hours and hours, he especially enjoyed it when the two of you would make up stupid songs about the most random of topics and sing them while trolling the people of Kasugayama. It was always a good time to irritate them like younger siblings would. 

As a fellow intellectual, you relay enjoyed helping Sasuke with his research, tracking wormholes and discovering new theories of time and space. You loved bouncing ideas and theories off each other. Together the two of you managed to make and design the coolest ninja weapons, which was mostly for your entertainment. As the two of you would play ninja ninja out in the garden, throwing smoke bombs and blunt ninja stars at each other.

For a brief time, you and Sasuke even went back to the future so that Sasuke could present his research findings. He honestly was such a nervous little bean, so he really appreciated the fact that you were right there by his side the entire time, giving him all the help and support. He also loved that you helped him with his presenting skill and listened to his presentation over and over until it was perfect. Of course, after the presentation was over, the two of you went back to the past the second the next wormhole opened, as that was where all your friends and loved ones were. 

Upon your return, Kenshin threw the two of you a big banquet to welcome you home, where Sasuke sang your praise for helping and supporting him. Kenshin was so impressed by your skills in the field of public speaking and presenting that he actually appointed you an official job as Uesugi force negotiator and mediator. A job which enables you to inspire people to work together towards a more peaceful world, free of conflict.  

Sasuke knew that you had some insecurities around your body, which he didn’t understand at all as, in his eyes, you were the most beautiful woman alive. A fact, which he would remind you of every day by wrapping his arms around your waist and gently whispering just how much he adored you, before meeting your lips in a sweet kiss. 

Sasuke loved to spend as much time as humanly possible with you, joking around and chatting for hours and hours about all your common interests. If the two of you cuties aren’t trolling Yuki, you are snuggled together just enjoying each other presence. Usually, Sasuke would hold you in his arms as he rests his head on your shoulder while you play the guitar and sing the most beautiful songs to him. 

This romantic ninja boy will most definitely also take you up onto the rooftop and cuddle with you while telling you everything he knows about the stars and universe above you. You can’t help but smile and kiss his cheek thanking the universe for sending you your better half

Other potential matches..........Mitsunari! 

I hope you enjoyed this love and I hope you have a super good day! 🔥❤🌻😊

[atelophobicity]

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2.  Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

 9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated.  Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10.   Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

 Let’s get it.

[quarterfromcanon]

1-4. For the asks

Thank you so much for sending these! <3 

Once I started to answer them, I realized there were comparatively few recent television shows appearing on the list. I seemed to keep gravitating toward older ones I remembered from years ago. I took a handful of days to mull it over in case I was forgetting something, but nothing else comes to mind. Maybe my ongoing list of Shows to Watch During Quarantine will turn up some fresh results but, for now, it looks like I’ll be taking a little trip down memory lane. :) 

This turned out to be a pretty long and rambly post, so I’ll stow it under the cut!

Top 5 TV Shows 

1. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - I can’t imagine this surprises anyone who has been following this blog for the past two years or so. It brought fellow fans into my life, got me back into writing fic, and prompted countless tags of meta. It’s the show my mind drifts to on a weekly basis (if not daily) even a full year after the finale. Just when it seemed I’d reached an age where that level of intense fandom involvement and character attachment might be fading, it proved that quite the opposite was true. I’m very thankful to the series for that, and for the people whose paths have crossed mine as a result.   

2. Schitt’s Creek - This is my #1 Feel Good show and, though I’ve been dodging spoilers for the final season until it gets uploaded to Netflix, I get the impression that it will remain in that top spot. The world feels softer and more hopeful there. It’s healing for my soul. I’m going to have a dreadfully difficult time saying goodbye, but I’m glad there are six season to revisit whenever I want. 

3. Stranger Things - The theme song alone sends such a rush of excitement through me. I love the aesthetic and the atmosphere. I sometimes have mixed feelings about the romances but the FRIENDSHIPS sure do have a direct line to my heartstrings. I think the way they’ve combined media influences into their own story is really neat. You get something that’s new and engaging, but you can also go back and enjoy the sources of inspiration with fresh appreciation. 

4. Joan of Arcadia - I can’t help it. The snark, the jackets, the early 2000s songs, the performances -- the nostalgia for this show is so strong. It’s not without its problems, but it did have some really good things to offer as well. I remember an episode that was one of my earliest introductions to the concept of a trigger, and the effect it could have on a person if exposed to one of theirs. The series dealt a lot with grief and the many forms it can take (I STILL can’t hear Fiona Apple’s cover of “Across the Universe” without getting misty-eyed). I’m also surprised, looking back, at the somewhat positive way I recall them discussing homosexuality on the several occasions that it came up in the show. Not to give too much credit since I don’t think there were recurring canonically LGBTQIA+ characters but, for a kid who spent most days around closed-minded people of a certain religious leaning, it was meaningful along my individual journey. I’d like to provide the several examples that are most vivid in my memory:

A. A girl with short hair, short nails, little to no makeup, and a bulky leather jacket is generally assumed to be a lesbian by the bullies at school. The show directly confronts the fact that “gay” should not be used an insult, that identity should not be assumed without the person telling you so, AND makes sure that the character in question never pushes back by saying harmful things about lesbians despite not actually being one herself. 

B. A boy who is questioning is able to confide in his big brother and have a fairly calm conversation about it; the awkwardness mostly comes from neither of them being accustomed to openly discussing emotions, not from the possibility of a negative response regarding the subject matter. 

C. Another character is accidentally discovered to be gay (he only appears in the one episode, if my memory serves), and some of the leads have the opportunity to share that for personal gain. However, even though he is a popular jock who is a bit of a jerk in the hallways, the show makes it clear that the right choice is still to leave the telling of that information up to him and him alone. 

Like I mentioned, it can’t be said that representation was in abundance here - for instance, I don’t believe anything other than straight or gay was presented as a possibility - but any accepting acknowledgement in a faith-centric series was something for me to hold on to in my still-deeply-closeted days. As a final Very Important personal side note, this show brought Judith Montgomery into my life (pictured below on the left), and that feels like it merits a shoutout for being what I consider a rather significant marker in my awakening. 

THE OVERWHELMING CRUSH I HAD - and still have - is one for the books. 

5. Pushing Daisies - This is another show with an aesthetic I adore. The series has such a fun, whimsical energy. The crime-solving! The clothes! The cast! There's a lot to love. It’s the kind of world I wish I could visit... well, minus the evidently rampant murder rate. 

Top 5 Overrated TV Shows

1. Once Upon A Time - *deep sigh* I tried to stick with it for so long. I think I’ve seen five out of the seven seasons in their entirety. It just felt like everything got mired down by excessive (and increasingly convoluted) subplots, often for the purpose of tossing in as many fairytale and/or Disney characters as possible. Plus, quite honestly, there was too much emphasis on romantic love. For a show whose first season involved a curse being broken by [potential spoiler, I suppose] a mother kissing her son’s forehead, I ultimately found myself up to my ears in romantic ships. It reached such a stifling extent that, if you were not particularly attached to those pairings, there wasn’t a whole lot else to entice further viewing. 

2. Under the Dome - I don’t know for certain what the general public opinion of this series was, but it felt like the commercials always featured alleged rave reviews, so I figured I could include it here. I was vaguely interested in Season 1, mainly as a fan of Rachelle Lefevre’s work. Season 2 pulled me in with the introduction of a new townsperson and I threw WAY too much of my heart into that attachment, which backfired when that character was killed. I made quite the spectacle of my heartbreak, so much so that my family doesn’t let me mention this show around them anymore. :P Season 3 was, to phrase it delicately, not a great time. The series did introduce me to a few new-to-me actors, though, so that was cool. 

3. Bates Motel - Even the incentive of learning that the two characters I liked most share a lot of screen time later in the series hasn’t been enough to call me back to this one. I don’t know if it was the pacing that put me off or what, but the prospect of finishing the remaining seasons feels so daunting. There are evidently five seasons in total and I believe I’ve only seen two of them thus far. I will probably muddle through it someday just to see how it goes, but the fact that I am so disinclined to prioritize it made this feel like a fair addition to the list. 

4. Lost - My interest in this series unfortunately waned right before fervent fandom spiked. I don’t have any specific complaints that come to mind about what I saw; I just sort of drifted and then stayed away. Teachers I liked and peers I spent time with were starting to latch on to the show and I couldn’t find even the slightest inclination to give it a second try. However, did I still dutifully read all the latest installments in my friend’s Sawyer Ford and Kate Austen fanfiction when she passed me handwritten copies at lunch? Sure. I was glad it made her happy, even if I was no longer a viewer. 

5. Hemlock Grove - I say this as someone who still mourns the fates of some characters in this show, so I wouldn’t go so far as to claim that the series stopped being able to make me feel anything. I’m just of the opinion that, in some ways, it might’ve been better off stopping at one season. That’s where the book it was based on ends, and things just didn’t feel as cohesive after that. Season 3 especially was - borrowing from my above review of Under the Dome - not a great time. That being said, there are also certain elements from the book that I could’ve done without in the Season 1 adaptation but... well... here we are. 

Top 5 Underrated TV Shows

1. Picnic at Hanging Rock - Another one that won’t surprise followers of this blog. I have rhapsodized about it quite frequently since I found it a little over a month ago. It’s a period piece mystery miniseries with LGBTQIA+ representation, gorgeous costumes, and Samara Weaving. This felt specifically designed to wedge its way into my heart, and I’m quite content with the space it now occupies.

2. Dark - I’m so intrigued by the overlapping timelines with all of the morally gray characters. It’s possible to like one of these people in the timeline where they’re young but dislike them as adults, or vice versa. It also makes me think of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk a little tiny bit with the idea that time travel, specifically tampering with your own timeline, might make you physically and behaviorally unrecognizable to yourself. And the SONG CHOICES! I have gotten some solid new music selections from this series. 

3. Sense8 - I still need to watch the finale. I really do. But I knew it would make me sad so I’ve avoided it for... two years now? Pretty close, I think. The concept is fascinating and the cast is so strong. Plus the cinematography! They came up with some of the coolest ways to depict the link these characters share and what it’s like when they connect over distance. The planning and careful editing it all must’ve taken... I remain in awe. 

4. Penny Dreadful - There were definitely some story/writing choices I didn’t particularly like along the way, but I did get engrossed in the creepy goodness and the performances -- Eva Green’s Vanessa Ives most of all. It left me wishing for more period piece “monster mash” stories, because having all those classic characters in one place was a blast. It also helped me understand why Helen McCrory was once slated to play Bellatrix Lestrange because she can be terrifying. Oh and Sarah Greene in her Wild West outfits? Perdita Weeks with short red hair in fencing garb, and later in all leather with boots and a long jacket? I WAS NOT PREPARED AND I HAVE STILL NOT RECOVERED. I NEVER WILL.

5. Wonderfalls - There’s some cringe-inducing handling of certain representation in the series, but I have such a weak spot for quippy outcasts who become reluctant chosen ones (Joan Girardi in Joan of Arcadia, Wynonna Earp, Jaye Tyler in this series, et cetera). I also really love the sibling dynamics here. They bicker, tease one another, help each other out of trouble, and have rare but genuine heart-to-hearts. Caroline, Lee, and Katie all did such a great job blending their characters’ adult personalities with certain childhood attributes that rise to the surface in the presence of family.  

Top 5 Movies

1. Addams Family Values - I’ve rewatched this movie at least once annually since I found it in Media Play at age 13. Usually, I’ll play it around Halloween or, at the latest, Thanksgiving. It’s mouth-along-with-every-line level ingrained in my memory. I find myself leaning forward in my seat before favorite parts because I’m still that excited to relive them. Why this movie, and why this devotion to such a degree? It’s hard to explain, even to myself. I can tell you, however, that I hold up every other portrayal of the Addams characters to the versions found in this. Everybody in the cast just feels that perfect for their part. 

2. Clue - I was already pretty fond of this movie to begin with, but then my sister got older and claimed it as a favorite of her own, so now she just supplies me with further excuses to watch it repeatedly. It’s also been a bonding piece of media with a couple of close friends and such through the years. It’s incredible to think not everyone in it was the first choice for their roles; what everybody brings to the table is so top-notch that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I also LOVE knowing that it originally went to theaters with different endings depending on which showing you attended. I gather people weren’t terribly thrilled with the stunt back then, but I kinda think some moviegoers would be into that approach these days? Then again, one hit that tried something different tends to start a fad, so maybe I’d end up regretting the suggestion after a while. :P

3. The Craft - This. Movie. Yes, Act III is a major bummer even though I know it’s coming, and I’ll always wish it ended differently. Even so. This. Movie. I tend to headcanon mostly for shows and sometimes books, but The Craft is a beloved exception. I love so much about it: the magic, the music, the clothes, the settings, the dynamics within the friend group, the performances. I had no idea when I first got the DVD at 17 that it would become such a part of my life, but I’m so glad it found its way to me. 

4. Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion - The soundtrack is a glorious ’80s and ’90s treat for my ears. The colorful costumes are perfectly suited to the main characters’ version of the world. There are so many great lines and it feels like everyone is having a lot of fun in their roles. I LOVE HEATHER MOONEY SO MUCH. She’s my awful, scathingly sarcastic, little grungy grump and she fills my heart with joy. 

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - I was pretty sure at least one of the three had to appear on here. I think, if I were to tally them all up, The Return of the King features most of my favorite moments, so it wins the spot. “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!”, ‘Edge of Night,’ Éowyn in battle, The Army of the Dead, ‘Into the West’... I end up crying during the end credits every time. So, yeah, ultimately, I would choose the third part of the trilogy if I could only watch one. 

Phew, that’s it! All the questions answered, all the shows and movies listed! Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it all, and thanks again to @monaiargancoconutsoy for sending in the prompts! <3

[nextcassie]

Your Scent 5

Summary: Nothing could have prepared you for the shit storm that was your junior year of college. Discovering you were an omega was only the first discovery in a long line of complicated ones. Thank goodness Min Yoongi was there to help.A story about college and discovering what you like and don’t like in both romantic relationships and friendships.

Abo Au - University AU

Pairing: Main-Min Yoongi/Reader ; OT7/Reader

Chapter words: 5128

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Omega Biology

Females Female omegas are known to be incredibly fertile. They are known for being homemakers traditionally, but now are seen in a variety of different roles in society. When it comes to heat their bodies produce a lot of slick. Female Omegas are said to experience the worst waves during their heat, meaning that they tend to experience incredible moments of want and need before becoming incredibly tired.

Males Male omegas are a bit more complicated than female omegas. They were never looked down upon by society and were normally seen as incredibly useful in the work force for being receptive to emotions and male. They hold multiple reproductive organs. They have the ability to produce fertile sperm to impregnate females and they hold reproductive eggs. The eggs are located in a passage way off the rectum. However, male omegas can only get pregnant during heats when this passage way opens up and produces an ample amount of slick. While out of heat male omegas produce slick it is usually not enough to make anal sex completely comfortable and the use of lube is needed.

Warnings: Smut. It's so long because I got carried away with the smut. I guess there's dirty talk too. Be warned, it's kinky up in this story and will probs only get kinkier as we continue.

OO00OO

To say that Jimin was ecstatic about your agreement with Yoongi would be the understatement of the year. The other omega was practically skipping around your apartment in joy, claiming he was cupid. He hadn’t shut up about it all week. He was constantly hovering over you eagerly waiting for Yoongi to message you. It made you wonder if you were Yoongi’s heat partner or if Jimin was.

You were working on your laptop when an email popped up from Yoongi. You clicked on it and tried not to gasp. It was a long list of everything that the two of you could try together. It was slightly shocking at just how long it was and just how much of it you didn’t really understand.

 That meant you could either go through the trouble of translating it yourself or ask someone.

 You got up from the sofa in the living room and knocked on Jimin’s bedroom door.

 Jimin opened the door and when the two of you made eye contact he began to grin. He knew exactly why you had knocked on his door.

 “Do come in.”

 He opened the door and gestured for you to come inside. He moved to sit on his bed and leaned back against the wall before patting the space next to him with a knowing grin on his face. You moved to sit next to him with your laptop.

 “I can’t really understand this.”

 You showed him the email from Yoongi and watched as Jimin’s eyebrows raised as he read through the list.

 “I would say that this isn’t usually need to know Korean vocabulary,” he replied. “Actually, I’d be slightly concerned if you knew all these words as a non-native speaker. I’d question your reasons to coming to South Korea.”

 “Got it… So are you going to explain it to me or not?”

 Jimin dramatically cleared his throat.

 “He says that he is an experimental dom. If he doesn’t know about something he is willing to try it once before making a decision about if he likes it or not. He wants to keep things mellow for your first heat though. He’ll keep these things in mind if you guys decide you want to continue your relationship. Which you will.”

 “Jimin focus.”

 “Fine.” Jimin eyes the list again before continuing. “I feel so awkward reading this to you.”

 “I know it’s like some Fifty Shades of Grey shit,” you replied.

 “Yoongi is a way better dom than Christian Grey.”

 “So, you’ve slept with Yoongi?”

 “I’ve slept with all of my friends except for you. So yes, but if it makes you feel better he’s never helped through my heats. Actually, it’s not something Yoongi does too often…”

 “When was the last time you think he had a heat partner?”

 “Two years ago, I think.” Jimin seemed to think it over. “She was a nice girl and I think they may have had a thing that they never made official. He never let her help him through his ruts. Despite the fact that he’s incredibly liberal he still sees sex as an intimate act. He’ll go to Jin and Namjoon’s parties, but he won’t take someone home unless he knows and trusts them. It’s sort of a big deal that he agreed to this arrangement. I’m not surprised, but it’s not something that happens often. Don’t sell yourself short.”

 “Thanks for the confidence boost. It’s just sort of weird… I mean I’ve never been so attracted to another individual before.”

 “Physically or emotionally?”

 “Physically for sure, but I don’t know about emotionally. I haven’t really talked to him a lot. It’s just whenever I’m near him I just feel this sense of comfort wash over me. I just feel safe. I think it’s because he saved me at that party. I don’t want to rush and say I have feelings for him because there is a possibility that maybe that’s the only reason I’m attracted to him. I don’t want to be attracted to someone by who I think they are, but I want to be attracted to someone for who they really are. If that makes sense? I might have worded that weirdly.”

 “No, it makes sense.” Jimin smiled to himself a bit. “I think that once you get to know him, you’re going to realize how perfect you are for each other. Those words actually sounded like something Yoongi would say.”

 You thought about it and it did seem that the two of you had quite a bit in common when it came to attitudes. Neither of you were exactly high energy nor were the two of you overly affectionate. Yet you had a feeling that both of your friend groups would describe the two of you as caring people.

 “Okay, Park Jimin,” you stated with a smile. “In your expert opinion as Min Yoongi’s good friend what can I do to make him happy?”

 Jimin hummed as he rubbed his chin in thought. You had posed the question half joking, but you were curious to find out the answer he would give.

 “I guess the number one thing you can do is not to wake him up when he is sleeping. Hyung tends to keep weird hours because he writes at all hours of the day. Sometimes he forgets to eat and sleep when he gets really into writing. We all sort of take turns checking in on him. We’ll add you to the rotation now that you’re his heat partner now.”

 “That’s right… He’s a pretty successful composer. I forget about that sometimes because he just seems so down to earth about it. He just started working for some entertainment company, right?”

 “Yeah, he was doing mostly freelance because no one would meet his conditions for hiring him until now. Which leads me to number two, respect his music. It’s truly everything to him. If he asks you about something give your honest opinion. Hyung hates people who lie to him.”

 “That’s another thing the two of us have in common then,” you stated.

 “Number three, he’ll never admit it, but above all hyung is an alpha. I mean obviously, but he is high on the dominance spectrum and I think he feels like it’s something he should be ashamed of because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He’ll never ask you to, but sometimes just indulge his inner alpha.”

 “Okay, but what does indulging an alpha entail?”

 “In my experience, a lot of scent marking and letting them give you back hugs. It’s a bit different for every alpha though.”

 “I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks Jimin.”

 “Any time (y/n).”

 OO00OO

 Yoongi felt a bit awkward about all of this. It was time for his weekly review with his company. Normally, it entailed him getting feedback on the songs he was writing as well as talking about demos with the different trainees that he wanted to produce. He only worked with three of them because he worked mostly on hip hop tracks and there were only three of them that could rap to a tolerable level. Two of them were still a work in progress though.

 This time though, the conversation was going to have to be a bit different. He was going to have to turn in a heat partner form with your name and expected date of heat as well as the date of his next rut. Although it was now illegal to dismiss employees for things related to heats and ruts, it was still often looked down upon if someone took too much time off for them.

 Yoongi happened to feel comfortable at this job. He got his own small studio and found all the employees tolerable. He didn’t want to jeopardize any of that. In all honesty though, he thought you might be worth it.

 Yoongi’s father had always talked about how he knew from the second he met Yoongi’s mother it was her that he was going to mate with. While Yoongi wasn’t sure yet if he felt that strongly about you, but this was the closest he could remember to ever feeling this way.

 He knocked on the door and was told to come in. He opened the door to see his boss, Bang Shihyuk sitting at his desk. He preferred to be called Bang PD-nim instead of the CEO, but he almost completely ran the entire company.

 “Yoongi, it’s good to see you. How have the songs been coming along?” he asked, as Yoongi moved to take the seat in front of his desk.

 “They’re slowly coming along. I think I should have something for the trainees to record in about two weeks…”

 “I thought you would have something done by next week?” the main said with a furrowed brow.

 “About that, I’m going to need to take some time off,” Yoongi said. He slid the document he had filled out with the proper information over to the man.

 The man took it and his eyes scanned over it. Yoongi watched as a smile started tugging over his lips.

 “I thought you were single?” Bang asked.

 “I was. I just recently met her. We’re not dating yet.”

 “You said yet.” Yoongi kept a straight face as the other man smirked before looking over the sheet. “I am looking forward to hearing your music after you begin your relationship. The sound will probably change.”

 “Hmm… I don’t know about that, but I would call her interesting to say the least.”

 “By the name I’m guessing she’s foreign. Does she speak Korean?”

 “Almost fluently. Sometimes she gets a few words mixed up, but her Korean is really good. More standard than mine if you want to get technical.”

 “I like your Daegu accent though. It was one of the reasons you stood out to me as an applicant when you were applying. Bring her by for a tour one day. I’d love to meet the woman that’s melted your heart.”

 “No one said she’s done that.”

 “You’re a very sincere person. If the two of you are just heat partners it won’t stay that way. You’d never make a move on the girl if you weren’t going to follow it up with something serious.”

 “She’s a difficult one to read.”

 “So are you. The two of you are perfect for each other.”

 “You haven’t even met her.”

 “I’m your boss, so I’m always right.” Yoongi held himself back from scoffing at the statement. The other man was always like this when it came to certain things. “Now let’s talk about your songs.”

 OO00OO

 You felt anxious sitting in class waiting for the lecture to be over. Yoongi was sitting in the front of the room like he always did. He seemed to be grading some assignments for the professor like usual. Taehyung was doodling on his notebook and you were trying to listen, but it was sort of hard.

 You had a printed-out version of the email Yoongi had sent you and for some reason you felt incredibly nervous about having to return it to him. You were also sure you had only understood about seventy percent of the Korean on it, even with Jimin’s help. In the same folder was the paperwork that Yoongi needed to fill out to grant him temporary access to your dorm building and apartment for your heat. The two of you had agreed to get coffee after your class before heading over to your dorm together to turn in the paperwork.

 You had been so lost in your own thought that you had barely registered that class was already over. Taehyung was grinning at you. He had probably been getting the play by play of what was happening from Jimin.

 Everyone started packing up their things.

 “Bye (y/n) have fun with hyung,” Taehyung said before leaving.

 You packed up your things, but weren’t in a hurry. Normally, Yoongi stayed to chat with the professor a bit before he left. You moved to wait outside for him. About five minutes later, Yoongi came out of the room and offered you a small smile.

 “Ready to go?” he asked.

 “Yeah, are we going to the same place we met up last time?” you asked, walking over to him. He nodded to you and the two of you began walking together.

 It felt weird. Not a bad weird, but weird. You didn’t really know how you should act around him yet. You didn’t actually know Yoongi all that well. You only really knew about his preferences in bed, which was something, but not exactly what you start a conversation with.

 “How was your day?” he asked.

 “It was pretty uneventful. I just went to class. What about you?”

 “I had a graduate course in the morning and then had to student teach. Overall, it was pretty boring.”

 “Ah I see…” You paused for a minute. “You write songs for an entertainment company, right? How is that going?”

 If you weren’t mistaken you watched as he seemed to perk up with something like pride at the mention of it. He seemed more relaxed than before as well.

 “I’ve got a good start on some new demos. I work for a smaller agency that’s getting ready to debut a new idol boy group in probably the next six months. They’re all pretty young, but they’re good kids.”

 “Do you like it? I mean I’ve heard a lot of good and bad things about the Korean entertainment industry.”

 “I like it, but I’m also at a smaller company. From what I hear some of the bigger ones are pretty problematic. I know for a fact that this company is taking good care of them. If I didn’t I would have never signed with them.”

 The two of you continue in conversation about his job. You had never realized how much work truly went into producing music. So far in class you had only covered the basics of music theory and just started writing scores. The things that Yoongi did though went beyond what you thought you could ever be capable of.

 Yoongi ordered the two of your drinks and filled out the rest of the paperwork while the two of you waited. When you got your drinks you both decided to drink them while walking back to the dorm. It was a pretty nice day outside. Fall was truly just beginning and there wouldn’t be too many nice days left before the weather started to cool down.

 The two of you finished your drinks by the time you arrived at the dorms. You went to the small office where the building manager was during the day. When you arrived, she was looking down at her phone screen with a look of displeasure across her face. You had only talked to her once when you had moved in on such short notice, but she was a nice omega woman in her early thirties. She had been helpful and caring, but a little stressed out at the time.

 “Umm… I want to turn in a heat partners form,” you said, drawing her attention away from her phone.

 She looked up and smiled at you before taking the form and glancing it over.

 “Is that your alpha?” she asked.

 “Yes?” you said hesitantly. You weren’t really sure if Yoongi was your alpha or not, but on paper he was for the time being. The building manager just chuckled.

 “This is only for one time correct?” she asked.

 “For now,” Yoongi answered from behind you.

 “All right, I just want to make the two of you aware that we’ll keep this form on record for the next three months. If you want we can give him extended access to the dorms if you choose to after your heat this month. That decision is completely up to the two of you though. Min Yoongi, your ID card should be updated over night with the new security information.”

 “All right thank you,” he said.

 “Thank you,” you added.

 The two of you left the office and you realized that this is where the two of you might part. Until you got an idea.

 “I know you’ve seen the dorm before, but do you maybe want to go over some stuff before you leave.”

 Yoongi gave you a small smile and nodded his head before following you up to your dorm.

 When the two of you got there Jimin was lounging on the sofa, watching something on his laptop. He glanced up and saw the two of you together before grinning.

 “Well what do we have here?” Jimin teased.

 “Some embarrassing excuse for a college student watching… is that Korea’s Next Top Model?” Yoongi asked.

 “The fact that you recognize it says something about you too hyung.”

 “I’m just going to show Yoongi some of the stuff I have prepared for my heat. Don’t mind us.”

 “Oh I don’t.”

 You rolled your eyes and led Yoongi to your room. You were thankful that you had been trying to keep it clean because you knew he would inevitably see it at some point.

 “Okay, so I know we did the whole… to do list thing.”

 Yoongi let out a bark of laughter at that. He couldn’t help, but smile at the embarrassed yet confused look on your face.

 “I’m sorry, but calling it a ‘to do list’ was an unexpected pun coming from you.”

 “Well sorry…”

 You seemed to be pouting in a way that Yoongi found endearing. You weren’t trying to be cute, but you just ended up being that way.

 “I’m sorry please continue.”

 “Okay, well before I was so rudely interrupted.” You gave him a look and Yoongi fought back a grin at how you seemed to be seriously reprimanding him. “I bought a few things for my last heat that I found helpful. I have a fridge that I’ll have stocked at the time with some food and cookies.”

 “Cookies?”

 “I was craving them my last two heats for some reason, so I bake them and put them in the fridge to eat. It will also have drinking water. Last time it was to abrupt, so I didn’t get a chance to use them, but I bought a small water basin and some wash cloths in case I get sweaty. I also have extra sheets blankets and bed linings at the bottom of my closet.”

 “(y/n),” Yoongi said, stopping you from your rant. You turned to find him suddenly closer than you remembered him being. “I know you’re nervous. Honestly, I am a bit too. I don’t want you to be worried. I’m going to take care of you through this heat. I’m going to make sure you have everything you need and that you’re as comfortable as possible, okay?”

 “Okay…” you mumbled.

 Yoongi moved slightly closer, bringing his hands to naturally rub soothing circles into your shoulders.

 “I mean it. I don’t make commitments I don’t intend on keeping.”

 You were a commitment? He was committing to you. For some reason the thought had your stomach in somewhat pleasurable knots at his words.

 “I believe you,” you said, this time more firmly.

 “Can I kiss you right now?” he asked. You blinked in confusion shocked upon his request. You hadn’t seen it coming. “Sorry I just…”

 “No it’s okay. I mean yes, yes you can kiss me. You just sort of caught me by surpri—”

 Yoongi cut of your awkward rambling with a gentle kiss that he pressed to your lips. You had just barely closed your eyes to savor it before he was pulling away.

 “I have to get to work, but I’ll message you soon. Don’t hesitate to message me if you need anything.”

 “I won’t.”

 You should have walked Yoongi out as he said goodbye, but you had become rooted to the spot in awkward giddiness. Your stomach was flipping with warm excitement. You just barely caught Jimin yelling out at Yoongi.

 “Hyung, I know exactly what you did in there!”

 “Shut up.”

 OO00OO

 You had baked cookies yesterday and were getting ready to go to one of your classes when it happened. The clenching of your gut followed by a burning sensation engulfing your whole body. Your heat had come only about twelve hours before it was due to show up.

 You messaged Yoongi right away before crawling into your bed. You had to do something, you had to make it more comfortable for the two of you. You began to adjust the comforters and searched for more pillows to make sure the two of you could get lost in the cushiness of the bed. It wasn’t the largest bed and you somehow felt stressed at the thought of it not being big enough.

 You didn’t stress very long though. You found yourself getting wet with slick and overcome with heat. You could hardly wait for Yoongi to get here. You wanted him here so badly. You knew he could help, knew he would help.

 You tried your best, you really did, but you couldn’t take it anymore. The clenching in your core was too much to ignore. You peeled of your pants and underwear, making sure to toss them off the bed. You had just begun to massage your clit when you were hit with smell of fresh pine. With a whine you looked at your doorway to see Yoongi entering your room.

 Yoongi was dressed in tight jeans and a leather jackets. He was wearing a beanie probably to try and make his messy dark hair seem neater. You let out whine that had him instantly coming to your side.

 “It’s okay, I’m right here,” he said. “Do you still want me here?”

 “Yes,” you said. You tried to keep your voice from sounding as desperate as you felt. You couldn’t tell if you were successful.

 “Okay I need you to watch me for a bit. Look at me, okay?” You nodded your head at him. “Use your words.”

 “Okay,” you said.

 You kept your eyes on him as he revealed himself to you. First, he took off his beanie, revealing that you had been right. His hair was an utter mess. Then he removed his jacket, dropping it to the floor before lifting his t-shirt over his head. It revealed his milky torso, but you barely had anytime to dwell on it because he went straight to removing his jeans wasting no time in pulling them off equally milky legs. You thought he would stop there, but he kept going. He took off his plaid boxers to reveal his already half hard cock.

 You let out a desperate whine at the sight, suddenly remembering that you were very much in heat. You heard Yoongi mutter something in Korean before dropping to the ground and digging something out of the pocket of his leather jacket.

 “Can I come on the bed?” he asked.

 “Please do,” you said, with a huff of laughter.

 Yoongi climbed onto the bed, placing whatever was in his hands further up on the bed. He was being very formal. You heard him inhale thought he might have growled just a little bit.

 “Can you sit up? I’m going to help you out of the rest of your clothes.”

 You gave him a small yes and sat up and let him help you out of your sweater and bra. He gently helped you lay back on the bed and you realized your body was going crazy. His scent was amplified to your senses and all you wanted to do was surround yourself with it.

 “Are your sure this is what you want?”

 “Yes,” you found yourself snapping impatiently. He just gave a deep chuckle at that.

 “Okay. If you want to stop at any point in time just tell me and I will. Don’t feel like we have to keep doing something because it seems like I’m enjoying it. You need to let me know is something hurts or makes you uncomfortable, all right?”

 “All right. I mean this in the nicest way, but can you hurry up.”

 This time Yoongi let out and actual laugh his lips upturning into a brief gummy smile before leaning down to capture your lips. This kiss, much like the first one you shared, was feather light and sweet. However, the second you began to kiss him back it changed. It became much more heated. He bit your lower lip and you gasped as his tongue took the opportunity to invade your mouth in the most delightful way. He was very much in control of the kiss, but somehow it wasn’t rough. You found yourself succumbing to the way it felt, arms moving to tug his body closer to you.

 Yoongi growled and broke away to place soft kisses on your cheek trailing them to underneath your jaw and sucking lightly at the skin.

 “Can I scent mark you?”

 “Please do,” you replied.

 The moment you felt Yoongi rub his scent gland against yours an overwhelming sense of calm washed over you. The scent of pine seemed to comfort you as much as the scent of peppermint was making him feel refreshed.

 Yoongi was trying so hard not to rush. He didn’t want to rush your first time for you even if it was your heat. You were making it so hard for him when all he wanted to do was completely wreck you. The need to claim had never been his strongest alpha instinct, but suddenly it felt like it was the only one he could remember.

 “Yoongi…”

 Your voice stirred him from his thoughts and he looked down at you to see you rubbing your thighs together. Your dilated eyes connected with his and he smelt a fresh wave of peppermint go through the room. You were probably more than ready for him, but he wanted to take it slow.

 He went back to work trailing kisses over your scent gland, but not marking you. That would come later. The kisses moved to your chest and when one of his hands came to cup a breast you rewarded him with a breathy sigh. He caught your eyes as he moved his mouth over to suck your nipple into his mouth and you let out the sweetest moan for him. He moved to the other and was given the same reward. He loved you like this.

 Yoongi moved to put kisses between your breasts before once again moving up to capture your lips in a sweet kiss. He then repositioned himself, finally parting your legs, so that he could move his body in between them. His hand teasingly trailed up your thigh feeling the wetness that had managed to seep out and you were absolutely soaking for him.

 “Tell me, what’s been down here baby?” he asked. His dark eyes searching yours for discomfort at his words. He saw confusion before he saw a spark of excitement run through them.

 “Just fingers,” you replied. Yoongi trailed his hand over to your core just teasingly coming into contact with it.

 “Who’s fingers baby?” Yoongi finally pressed his fingers to your clit, giving you some sort of relief.

 “Mine,” you answered. You let out a moan of protest when he stopped. He was giving you a stern look. “And Jimin’s…”

 Yoongi’s fingers pressed to your clit once again, but this time rubbing tiny circles that had you whimpering for more. The way his finger felt cold on your hot skin was so good. You didn’t want him to stop.

 “Do you want something better than Jimin’s fingers?”

 “Yes,” you replied. You let out a whine of protest when Yoongi removed his fingers from your clit. “What?”

 “I’m going to give you something better baby. I’m going to give you my tongue.”

 You felt your cheeks flush at the bold statement, but Yoongi didn’t give you much time to be embarrassed before pressing a soft kiss to your clit. He started slow and the sensation felt odd. It was weird when he licked a stripe up your slit before flicking at your clit with his tongue. You weren’t really sure what to think, but before you knew it the sensations were overwhelming.

 He pulled your clit into his mouth, flicking at it quickly with his tongue making your body jolt in surprise at the sensation. The tightness in your core quickly building as he passionately devoured your core. Your hands gripped onto the blankets surrounding you as your hips involuntarily bucked up at a particularly strong suck.

 “You can grab onto me.”

 No sooner than when he said the words you found your hands raking through his dark locks, not sure whether to push him away from the overwhelming sensation or to pull him closer.

 You were completely blindsided by your sudden orgasm. You let out a loud moan as you came, hands tugging on Yoongi’s hair as he continued to lap up the new slick dripping out of your core.

 You felt the heat still thrumming through your body as Yoongi sat up. You watched as he wiped the excess slick from his chin biting back a groan as he looked you over. He leaned down to place a gentle kiss on your neck.

 You wanted him so badly. Your core was greedily clenching around air as the aftershocks of your orgasm left you. You wanted nothing more than to get Yoongi inside, wanting to feel the way he’d fill you up. The way he’d drill into you and make you cum.

 “That was so good baby.” He brushed a hand comfortingly through your hair before placing more kisses by your jaw.

 “Yoongi… Inside,” you whined. “Please I can’t take it.”

 “Baby…” he said, moving back so he could look at you. “I’m not going to rush. We’re going to go nice and slow. I’m going to open you up really good okay?”

 “Yoongi please!”

 He shushed you. Yoongi trailed a hand back to your core and slowly inserted a finger into you. It went in no problem. It didn’t surprise him with how wet you were. He wanted to make sure though that you came enough to get out of this wave of your heat though. He added another finger beginning to stretch you open, even with your heat you were tight.

 “How’s that feel?”

 “Good. It feels good…”

 Yoongi groaned at you. You were an absolute vision right now. You took his finger so well and your eyes looked at him just pleading for him to make you cum. He didn’t want to disappoint you either.

 “Can you cum on my fingers and I’ll give you my cock? Can you do that for me baby girl? Does it sound good?”

 “I can do it,” you replied.

 Yoongi felt you clench and unclench around him trying to get more stimulation. With a chuckle he added a third finger before beginning to move them in and out of you. When you gave a particularly loud moan he began to target that spot over and over again. Until you shut your eyes and threw back your head, letting out a whine. He felt the way your body tried to suck his fingers in as it released fresh slick.

 “That’s my good girl.” Yoongi felt your body shiver at that. He would keep that in mind for later. “You ready for me baby?”

 You nodded your head at him. Desperate eyes pleading with him and he frowned.

 “I need your words baby. I need to hear you want me.”

 “I want you Yoongi, alpha please.”

 That word sparked something primal in him that he had been trying to hold back. His hands moved to grab a condom on the bed ripping it open and quickly rolling it onto his painfully pulsing cock.

 He kissed you again. It was much rougher and more urgent than before and you instantly responded, hands coming up to tangle in his hair as you opened your mouth for him. He groaned in satisfaction before he lined himself up with your core.

 “Are you ready?”

 “Yes.”

 Yoongi firmly buried himself in you, making sure to not go to fast. He let out a groan in surprise as he noticed you with your head thrown back eyes closed and blissfully moaning out. Your core trying to suck him in.

 “Did you just cum baby?”

 Yoongi watched as a flush covered your cheeks in embarrassment, giving him your answer. The shy girl he was used to seeing reappearing beneath him and further igniting his want.

 “I couldn’t help it…” He moved to give you a soft kiss.

 “It’s okay cum as many times as you want.”

 You nodded your head at him and prepared yourself for him to start moving. Yoongi started gently at first. He just grinded the two of your bodies together, getting you used to him being inside you. However, you let out a pleased moan when he finally pulled back before thrusting in. Yoongi set a steady pace. His hands pressing themselves on either side of your head caging you in and surrounding you with his warmth and scent. It felt good.

 “More…”

 “More what, baby?”

 You opened your eyes to see a teasing look on his face as he watched you.

 “I don’t know just whatever you’re doing.”

 He hummed before his hips snapped with more force than before into you, causing you to let out a whine of approval as he continued his new pace. Each thrust seeming to make that knot in your stomach tighter and tighter. You knew you were going to cum again. You tried to tell him, but found that this time your Korean failed you. Your words coming out in a jumbled mess that seemed to please him. Your head tipped back as you went over the edge, bearing your neck to him.

 “Can I still mark you?”

 “Yes.”

 You brought your hands up to guide Yoongi to your neck as began to suck at the gland on your neck sending a new wave of pleasure through your body as he left the mark on your skin. You could feel the knot in your stomach winding tighter again quickly as he kept thrusting into you.

 “Alpha, I’m going to… <em>again!</em>”

 “It’s okay omega.” The name sent a tremor through your body and you felt yourself building up too quickly again. “I’m going to cum too. Do you still want my knot?”

 “I want my alpha’s knot!”

 Yoongi’s hips suddenly picked up speed to slam into you with force you hadn’t known he had and you felt yourself building up again. You were just on the edge of your release when you felt the sensation of Yoongi growing in you. You didn’t dwell on it as you felt yourself cum once again, your core trying to suck Yoongi in.

 You fought to keep your eyes open as you felt Yoongi’s pace turn into grinding as his knot grew too large to pull out of you. He buried his face into your neck as he let out a loud groan as he came his body covering yours protectively as he shook from his orgasm.

 The two of you held onto each other as your bodies began to calm. The heat no longer incessantly eating away at your body as the wave died down. The only sound in the room was the two of you panting.

 “Do you want to mark me?” Yoongi asked.

 He pulled his face away just enough to look into your eyes, hand coming naturally to stroke at your cheek. You were surprised. Most alphas didn’t like to be marked by their partners, it showed some sort of submission. The thought of marking up his milky skin was very tempting though.

 “Can I?”

 “Of course you can (y/n),” he responded.

 Yoongi bared the right side of his neck to you and you carefully moved to it. You placed kisses along it until you came to his scent gland where you sucked delicately at the soft skin, making Yoongi produce a sound that sounded almost like a purr of satisfaction. You pulled away to see him smiling softly at you.

 “You look tired,” he stated. “You should get some rest before your next wave.”

 He carefully pulled you up, trying to make sure that his knot didn’t make it too uncomfortable for you to move. He positioned the two of you in a more comfortable position to lay down in.

 “But your knot?” you asked. “Are you comfortable?”

 “I’m fine, it will go down in about ten or fifteen minutes. You need to get some rest before then okay.”

 “Okay.”

 Yoongi placed a gentle kiss on your lips as he pulled you closer to him. In no time you were able to fall asleep to the relaxing scent of pine surrounding you. Yoongi found himself drifting off shortly after as he listened to the rhythmic beat of your heart.

[idreamofhazel]

Supernatural’s End: Embracing the Sadness and Its Impact

Sappy post ahead. Like wow. I didn’t know I had that in me. (1.6k words below the cut)

I know everyone has been saying their own words about Supernatural ending (honestly it’s hard to even type that. Still doesn’t seem real). I’m not usually one for jumping on the bandwagon and I don’t post a lot of “extra” here, but like, I’ve been really emotional. More emotional than I anticipated. I can blame it on my period and the intense amount of stress I’m feeling lately, or I can just admit that I’m a big sap and that this show actually, really means a lot to me. More than I thought it would. And I should stop making judgments about the way I feel and my need/want to write this post.

When I first started watching, I was finishing my first year of college. It was spring/summer of 2013. I had a friend who was obsessed with it, she had been watching since it first aired. I honestly don’t know what made me ask to borrow her dvd collection (she has them all), but I took the plunge.

Maybe it was because I had started watching Doctor Who, and I was finally getting over my aversion to being a “geek” and DW gave me a taste of what it was like to really love something like that as an adult. (Avid HP fan since the books first came out, here 👋🏻) But idk. I just remember thinking, “It looks good. Why not?”

Dean annoyed the heck out of me at first. I’m not going to lie. He smirked too much, he was arrogant, and always trying to hit on chicks? No thanks. (hey, just being honest here) Sam, however, was it for me. I remember exactly where I was when I first admitted that I was a Sam girl. I was in Wal-mart with my dvd friend and her sister, aka my best friend since childhood. We were grabbing snacks because I was staying over, I think, and they asked me who I liked best with that knowing grin. It was that classic Sam vs. Dean argument that has morphed into quite a lot of other things now--but that’s beside the point. The point is that I was hooked, and it was an avalanche from there on out. 

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I have come to like and appreciate Dean. He reminds me of myself as an oldest sibling who had too much responsibility placed on them, and he also frustrates me in many ways because he’s so damn charming and stubborn. But that’s a discussion for another day.

I stormed through the dvds, staying up late despite being spooked until the end-of-episode dvd music became as nostalgic as my favorite backstreet boys songs. There’s just something about staying up late on summer nights to watch your favorite movies or shows. Let me know if you find a word for that feeling. Soon, my brother started watching with me, I had to explain the initial plots to get him caught up because I was on a roll. I wasn’t back-tracking. I needed to get through all eight seasons before the season 9 premiere that fall. 

I almost made it. I think I only missed the first few episodes. But I remember that first season finale I watched, that first time I got to experience the edge-of-your-seat cliffhanger with the rest of supernatural family, and my friends, on live tv. Watching Dean open his eyes, only for them to be black, made my jaw drop. 

It was so fun to watch this show with other people. I think it was about season 11 when my dvd friend, my bff, and I began watching it regularly together. We’d go over to somebody’s apartment, have some snacks, and discuss the plot points and our predictions. A couple years later, I roped my other best friend, @queenmestyles, into watching it. I’ve got two of my brothers hooked, too. Well, one of them is a slacker on keeping up, but he’s busy🤷🏻‍♀️ The point is, Supernatural became this event, this regular time slot in my weekly life, save summers, in which I was able to socialize and bond over this tv show. I had a group where we were all crazy about this one thing and we actually talked about it. I’d never had that before. Not on this level. 

And then you add in everything that’s happened through the online community...

I started this blog back in like 2013, but it was a multi-fandom mess. Which is fine, if that’s your thing. But I tend be anal in spurts, so suddenly I had had enough and I had to organize my blog. By this point I was only posting Supernatural, so it only made sense to eventually purge all traces of any other fandom and bring some focus to my blog. Then 2016 came. 

That was a weird time for me. I was about to graduate college. I was busy as heck. And I honestly can’t tell you what compelled me write my first fic. I just know that it swelled up inside of me, and I couldn’t ignore it. Even if the quality was meh. 

It opened the flood-gates. And Idreamofhazel was born. Little did I know I would be needing this writing outlet a lot in the near future. See, I’m the kind of person who sets a goal, sets a path to the goal, and then suddenly has on blinders to where I can’t see anything other than the path I’ve set for myself. And if I veer off that path... well, I freak out. And that’s kind of what happened. I was supposed to go to grad school the fall after graduation. Like, I had to. At least that’s what I told myself. But it fell through due to money and some poor research on my part (I had no idea my local university had a master’s program). 

So here I was, doing nothing “but working” for a year, being hard on myself and continuing to freak out about my life, but I was also writing. I churned out a lot during that time. Like damn. I was writing like my life depended on it. And I guess, in a way, it did. See, I had written as a child (poems, HP fanfic, twilight fanfic), but I repressed that hobby like you do many childish things, and I hadn’t touched creative writing in like 10 years. But Supernatural. 

There was so much to write about, so many things in the show I could pull from to create stories. And so much to read. I read fanfic while cooking, while waiting in offices, while falling asleep. I wrote in the mornings, the afternoons, and late at night. I wrote on my phone even though it’s a pain. And when I got writer’s block, I kicked myself as I still do, but I kept going. And I discovered that this writing thing actually means a heck of a lot to me. Like enough that I want to write original fiction. 

I don’t know where that will take me, but wherever I end up with writing, I’ll have Supernatural to thank. 

I have Supernatural to thank for a lot of things, but mostly I think it gave me a chance to be myself while discovering part of who that really was. 

Supernatural is there when I’m sick, it’s there when I’m sad or lonely. It’s been there when a person I thought would always be in my life left me, and it’s been there with new friends. It brought me closer to a lot of people. It gave me relationships with people across the country and across the oceans. I know it’s just a tv show, and maybe we can say it isn’t, or maybe we can say it is, but even if it’s “just a show,” the people who love it, who make up the fandom, they aren’t “just” anything. They make this show something more.

Right now, the feeling about it ending is weird. Part of me can’t accept it. And then it hits me and I get all emotional, until my brain is like “Wait--no, it can’t be!” And then the cycle starts all over again. So for now, I’m just going to accept that I’m going to cry about this for awhile and realize that the shock and the pain and the very real feeling of loss is showing me how much this thing meant to me, and then I’m going to hold onto that feeling and use it as energy for never letting go of this thing I love, this thing that made me realize parts of myself I had forgotten, this thing that pushed me to create and showed me just how much I need to create. Even though anticipating the end makes me sad, I know the sadness will eventually turn into something positive, like fond memories and gratitude. But it won’t unless I face the sadness. 

So I guess that’s part of what I’m doing with this post. Facing my sadness. Using this post as a sort of therapeutic outlet. If you’ve made it to this point, thank you. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to read so much about me. Maybe you just really like me, or maybe you’re looking for that outlet, too. So I’ll just end the post with this: Embrace whatever you’re feeling. Identify it. Examine it. See what it’s trying to tell you about yourself. And do something with it. Maybe that’s writing your own post, maybe that’s creating something for the show, the cast, or the fandom. Maybe it’s just quietly accepting that the loss you feel is ok.

Whatever it is you’re feeling, and whatever it is you need to do, just know that you’re not alone. I, and the rest of the Supernatural family, are staying put, and we will ride the wave of changes to come, together.

[cowlicks-and-curls]

Gastric Bypass: 3 months out

I skipped my weekly update in favor of this one, so this will include all of this info. Warning: this is a hella long post. Hopefully there's a break and you don't have to scroll through the whole thing if you don't wanna.

My starting weight on surgery day was 277 and maybe some change. My weight as of this Wednesday (4 days ago) I was 216.5

That brings me to a total loss of 60.5 pounds in three months!!!!!! That's insane! I get a little discouraged now and again because I know I'm not losing as fast as I did in the beginning, but in what other way would I have lost 60 pounds in three months? Not possible. I'm doing my best to keep my thinking reasonable.

My pant size has gone from a 24 (more like a 26) to a comfortable 20, and I just bought myself a really nice pair of size 16's that I can squeeze in to with a loose shirt right now, so I have a nice pair to wear out of the house. I'm mostly down to different kind of sweat pants and leggings because they fit for a long time and I don't want to spend a million on clothes before I even get to my stable size. People around me have been super helpful on that front, giving me a bunch of extra clothes in every size imaginable so I have quite a stockpile. I actually have a tote under my bed full of smaller sizes, as well as my original tiny dresser full of smaller stuff. I also have a garbage bag full of things that are worn out or too big to justify keeping, and I'm coming to terms with getting rid of it. Coming from someone who has yoyo'd for so long, the mentality is that you wanna keep the big clothes for when they fit again. Hopefully that won't happen this time, and I should be able to get rid of them for good.

I don't have dumping syndrome at all, which makes snacking a challenge because I can literally eat anything I want. I'm still working on my willpower and discovering why I snack so much. I think a lot of it comes down to boredom and stress, so I'm working on getting better hobbies and finding various ways of stress release that don't include calories and definitely don't have alcohol. So many people transfer addictions from food to alcohol, and I definitely don't want to do that. I'm currently trying to learn bass clef on the piano so I can be proficient, and spending more time in the gym building up arm and ab muscle, which I really seem to lack. Listening to music at work has seriously lowered my stress level and I don't get the urge to snack there so often.

My family gas really gotten on board with my dietary needs, especially after the first month when I was starting to transition back to normal foods. I think my mom had the impression that I wasn't ever going to be able to eat flavorful food and I was going to be a raging miserable beast of cravings all the time. I don't have nearly as many cravings as either on of us expected, and my attitude has remained pretty positive through the whole thing. That definitely helped improve her whole opinion if the surgery. We, as a family, are starting to cut out extra carbs in a lot of our meals, and coming up with better and more flavorful substitutes. Mom also started going to the gym with me more regularly and went as far as getting her own membership so we can go separately or she can bring my brother as a guest. She also has started losing weight and I believe is currently down over ten pounds. She's very excited about that, and so am I!

I recently stopped tracking my calorie intake so severely and am trying to focus more on what my body needs in terms of nutrients and protein. Protein remains my major goal for the day, as well as adequate water and vitamins. As long as I get those in and don't really do extra snacking, I lose approximately 5 pounds per week. With the extra snacking recently, I've been losing more like three.

Many things in my life have gotten easier with the weight loss, including things I never really realized were actually difficult. I can walk slowly and steadily upstairs without my legs getting tired too fast, and can also run up them quickly without my heart rate jumping and staying up. I recently had routine bloodwork done, and no longer have high cholesterol!!!! That's a big sigh of relief for me as I don't have to worry about going on statins at such a young age or having related heart problems later in life. I also fit on the forklift and pallet jack easier, and can run for the first time in years! I'm not great at it, but it beats not being able to run at all. Along those lines, sports bras are easier to find and work better. That means I can do more things like jumping jacks, running, and anything else that goes along with bouncing motions.

In terms of food tolerances, I can eat just about anything without having to throw up. I stay away from rice, breads, and the sticky stuff for the most part but when I do have a couple bites, I tend to get the foamies and get really burpy. I take that as an indication that I shouldn't eat it, and try to abstain. I cook my veggies as little as possible to maintain the nutrients, but I still have to cook the crunchy ones like carrots because they hurt when they hit my pouch raw. Steaming is my best friend and I own a little steamer basket as well as occasionally buy the frozen veggie steamers. I can tolerate chicken again to an extent, but as a family we are cutting back on chicken simply from exhaustion, so I'm more inclined to eat extra lean hamburger, trimmed steak and various types of fish. Tilapia is the greatest but I am also open to tuna and salmon on the rare occasion. My family loves loves loves the zucchini ricotta bake, so we make that quite a bit. I've considered adding hamburger to it for a little protein boost but that remains to be seen.

On the incisions. None of them hurt, thankfully. I healed with no infections, and only one of them is slightly raised. I do occasionally get a minor ache in the biggest one from the lingering stitch in the muscle but it's easy enough to ignore or just massage away real quick. I've never really been bothered my scars and these are small so I am not self conscious about them. I can totally see all of my stretch marks again. They aren't red or anything, but the skin is more lax so I can see the divots. There are a lot more than I remember, but oh well.

Hair loss is definitely a significant thing right now. I have naturally thick hair that doesn't shed very much, so it's a trip to run my fingers through and pull out a whole lot of hair. I don't have any missing patches or stringy bits but it sure does feel thinner and more dry. I take a biotin supplement and use a good conditioner to counteract this.

These past three months have been a highlight of my life. By and large this is one of the hardest things I have had to do and making all the changes is definitely a challenge. I wouldn't change it for anything. This has improved my life in so many ways and I'm really looking forward to seeing what the next three months brings me. 💖😁

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 36-42

DAY THIRTY-SIX [FEB 6]

8:30 AM - Make a chemex and get to work.

10:00 AM - Pineapple!

12:45 PM - Heat up cheesy red lentil soup for lunch with a La Croix. 

4:00 PM - Do a 10-minute Peloton ride and a barre class. Barre class gets interrupted as I get text updates for the grocery order. I kind of end up half-assing it toward the end but I’m glad I got it done. 

5:45 PM - Prep the kitchen for the grocery order – incoming of bread, greens, tomatoes, onions, garlic, tempeh, tofu, tortillas, tortilla chips, pretzels, apples, jalapenos, lemons, limes, cabbage, cilantro, vegan sour cream, rice, chickpeas, pinto beans, frozen burritos, bell peppers, eggs, parsley, ginger, BBQ sauce, buffalo sauce, grapes, sprouts, brussels sprouts, green beans, miso, cloves, frozen pizzas, hamburger buns, plant yogurt, cucumber, carrots, chipotle seitan sausages, tomato paste, broccoli, bananas, celery, potatoes, clementines, hashbrowns, red lentil pasta, dijon, seltzer, pineapple, dark chocolate, strawberry jam, vegetable bouillon, zucchini, mushrooms, dried oregano, radish, & snap peas. $342.39

7:00 PM - roast potatoes and make veggie sandwiches. Drink a hibiscus mezcal cocktail too. MAX RELAX for the rest of the eve. It’s Friday baby!

 DAY THIRTY-SIX: $342.39

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN

9:30 AM - Slept in weird vibes. Feel tingly when I stand which means blood pressure is bad. We are seeing friends today and I don’t want to power through it so I just drink some soy sauce. It does wonders and I’m feeling better within 30 minutes. Make a Chemex and watch an episode of dessert person.

10:30 AM - Head out to our pals’ house (If you read my last diary series, they’re the people we used to go to Suns games with) in uptown Phoenix for an outside hang. We meet their new baby and he is super cute. Hang out 10 feet apart and it feels so normal and chill. I also find out that I apparently qualify for the vaccine because I work to facilitate education, so I need to look into that.

2:45 PM - K and I haven’t eaten today and we’re starving. We split a Daiya pizza and eat snack on chips and salsa while we wait. I also eat a clementine. 

5:30 PM - Feel my body starting to fade and I’m kind of barred out. Decide to walk to the lake. I do a bad job of getting my HR up but I still enjoy my time outside. 

8:00 PM - I’m not hungry at all from all the salt. Decide to eat a small bowl of cheesy lentil soup for dinner but mostly just pound the water while working on a post for oil-free Greek dressing.

8:30 PM - I notice someone posts a sample sale for Splits 59 which is one of my favorite workout brands. I’m hitting 250 Pure Barre classes this week and use it as an excuse to celebrate. Buy 2 pairs of leggings and a cute tank. $70

10:00 PM - Definitely at that point in the day where I feel like I’m just passing time.

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $70.00

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

8:45 AM - Spend some time in bed adjusting my fantasy bball team. Still set to be undefeated in the more competitive league. Eventually make a chemex and post my oil-free greek dressing around the web. 

10:30 AM - I listen to a session on Mined, cook brunch (tofu/egg tacos with soyrizo) and and frantically get ready for M’s baby’s 1st bday. 

1:05 PM - Arrive at the party… what I thought was going to be just me, M, his wife, his mom, and his kid is actually them plus 6 other people hanging in the backyard. Not my favorite thing I’ve had to deal with this pandemic. Everyone is outside/masked. I learn that 2-3 of them have already been vaxxed but it’s still kind of a weird situation for me. I know if K was with me it would be bad news, so I am grateful he stayed behind today.

2:00 PM - Hightail it outta there once 4 more people show up. Listen to music really loud in the car and scream some lyrics on my way home. Feels good man.

2:45 PM - Continue listening to tunes at home, digging thru my Spotify discover weekly for the first time in a while and building a set that I want to record sometime next week.

3:15 PM - K’s brother and wife stop by and we do an outside masked hang with them for about an hour and a half. We haven’t seen them since December of 2019 so this is really really great.

6:00 PM - K and I keep talking about getting takeout but nothing sounds good so we just decide to do veggie sandwiches and potatoes. Drink wine.

7:00 PM - I decide to work on my tax stuff all evening instead of exercising. It takes 2 hours but I get all of my stuff together and send it to the guy. Pour myself a celebratory glass of wine after.

10:00 PM - K and I watch Beverly Hills Ninja in bed. I’d never seen it before and it was so good.

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-NINE

8:00 AM - Chemex. Pure barre weekly charge. $15

10:00 AM - A local bar down the street has been closed since March and a pal posts a GFM on their behalf. I donate to it. Eat a banana and a clementine $50

11:30 AM - Prep salad for the week - greens, gochujang tempeh, miso dressing, soba noodles, snap peas, carrots, and cucumber. Finish about 2 minutes before a call and I’m scrambling to appear composed.

5:30 PM - Do a pure barre livestream while K runs to go pick up dinner from a local vegan spot. K gets a fried chicken seitan sandwich and I get a burger. It’s really really delicious and I’m super stuffed after.

DAY THIRTY-NINE TOTAL: $65

DAY FORTY

8:30 AM - Chemex. Work is still kind of wild but I make a lot of progress on my report this AM so I’m feelin’ good there.

9:30 AM - Banana and clementine.

12:00 PM - Salad.

4:30 PM - Try to do a PB live stream (my 250th class) but Zoom’s server is being weird so I do a 30 min Peloton ride instead with a 5 min stretch.

6:00 PM - Veggie sandwiches with potatoes for din again. 

8:00 PM - A friend from highschool, N, and I chat and it’s really really great. I drink 2 glasses of wine while we catch up. 

DAY FORTY TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-ONE

8:30 AM - Oof my quads are sore. Make a chemex.

10:00 AM - Eat a banana.

11:00 AM - We’ve been dragging on the KN95 thing but decide to go for it today. Buy a pack of 50 in assorted colors, some Healthy Blood iron from Garden of Life, and poop bags for the dog. (Counting this expense as “home”) $98.04

12:00 PM - Spend time doing an analysis that doesn’t really tell me much but it was worth looking into. Eat gochujang tempeh salad

2:00 PM - I have a zoom scheduled with a work pal who I haven’t seen in forever. She tells me (much like the few others) that we qualify for the vaccine. I decide to make the appointment based on her feedback and after 40 minutes of messing with the system was able to get in on Feb 19.

5:00 PM - Take my 250th Pure Barre class! I am sweaty and it’s great.

6:45 PM - K isn’t really hungry so I eat the last of the red lentil soup.

7:30 PM - We have plans to see a friend in town from Ohio. Meet up with him at his hotel and sit on the front patio masked up for a while. I am mostly cold and have to pee.

9:45 PM - We arrive back home. I snack on a few pretzels, drink a glass of wine, eat some grapes and some dark chocolate.

DAY FORTY-ONE TOTAL: $98.04

DAY FORTY-TWO

8:30 AM - Chemex. My allergies are bad this AM. Send emails out - looks like my tax return is going to give me $1200 but then I owe $200 on my state. I always owe on state. One day… Also send a note to the loan guy who says I’m definitely going to close tomorrow at 8AM so we shall see.

10:30 AM - Tax invoice comes in. $220

11:00 AM - Boil some more soba noodles for salads. I’m basically going to be in meetings until 4:30 PM today so I’m trying to get ahead of all my stuff. Also do a check for all of the house painting things that came over the past week. Looks like it’s all here and I can start painting this weekend!

12:00 PM - Make salad in between calls and crack open a La Croix.

4:30 PM - My calls are done, do a 10 minute Peloton climb ride and then do a Pure Barre stream.

8:00 PM - Eat the last of the veggie sandwiches for dinner. Drink 2 glasses of wine and some dark chocolate. Something about tonight is off in my brain. I don’t have the capacity to be productive so I just watch episodes of The Challenge on my laptop while K plays Rocket League.

DAY FORTY-TWO TOTAL: $220

[musicgoonmail]

Lovingkindness

In This Edition

In this week’s edition, I share lessons from my life on how God closes and opens doors, what’s new with my book reviews, and what I’ve been enjoying in entertainment. As always, I point you to all of the new free eBooks I’ve found around the web.

Is there something you want me to write about? You can always get in touch by replying to this email. Thanks for spending your weekend with me here!

God Closes and Opens Doors

Sunday Tapes

Giveaway: A Signed Copy of The Wisdom Pyramid

Book Reviews

More Than a Battle

Free eBooks for February

More Free eBooks for February

Extended Play

Lightning Links

Playlists

Coming Soon

Weekly Review

God Closes and Opens Doors

Jess and I have been working on something big, and while I can’t reveal much right now -- I want to share a story of how God seems to work in our life. It seems that with every closed door, we wait for a bit and it appears that God was preparing us as he opens another door. 

One example from our life is how God closed the door for furthering my education, but he later opened a door in providing us a home. And we can see God’s hand in it because the timing, location, and occurrence of events could not have been coincidental. We see God’s providence in every situation and circumstance.

As Christians, I believe we have a Biblical warrant to say that this is true. Joseph’s story is one of suffering and being forgotten, but God later opened doors to save him, his family, and his people. The life of Christ is full of examples of God closing doors for others so that Jesus could open other doors to display his glory. Death was a closed door for Christ until he burst forth to redeem his people. And in the life of Paul we see God closing doors and opening others so the Gospel could be spread in jails, houses, churches, and nations.

To be sure, I’m not saying that you will find open doors immediately when things turn sour. And if you find yourself behind closed doors, I’m not saying that God will always open new ones for you. But what I do believe is that God works all things for the good of those who love him. And I’m here to tell you, when you find yourself in the middle of opened and closed doors, that he is right there with you.

Sunday Tapes

We sang Be Thou My Vision on Sunday, and my friend Angie was awesome leading music with me. Her vocals were soaring, and she displayed her skill and control even with the song at a such a quick tempo. 

I also appreciate how she's open to try my arrangement ideas, like the a cappella first chorus and last verse. I'm always blessed and humbled to sing with her. We were both smiling at the end because my son Linus walked right up to the front next to the camera! You can watch the video on YouTube.

For more, you can find the rest of our set which included Sovereign Grace Music's "Turn Your Eyes," Keith Green's "O Lord You're Beautiful," and our original "God is the Strength of My Heart and My Portion Forever. Watch on YouTube.

Giveaway: A Signed Copy of The Wisdom Pyramid

SOLA Network published my review of Brett McCracken’s The Wisdom Pyramid and you can read it on their website. To celebrate the launch of the book, Brett put together a wisdom diet challenge for Lent. Many digital detox programs are mostly about how to rid yourself of screens for a period of time. His challenge is different in that it’s less about what not to do and more about what to do. Read about the Wisdom 40 Challenge on his website.

SOLA Network has a signed copy of the book by author Brett McCracken for a giveaway. In all honesty, there aren’t that many entries, so you have a good chance of getting this one. I would love for one of my newsletter readers to win. Enter on Instagram.

Book Reviews

This week I reviewed 3 books. In More Than a Battle, Joe Rigney shows us how to experience victory, freedom, and healing from lust. In Worshiping with the Reformers, Karin Maag takes us on a tour of what it was really like to go to church during the Reformation. In The Servant of the Lord and His Servant People, Matthew S. Harmon beautifully traces this biblical theme through the canon.

Book Review: More Than a Battle by Joe Rigney

Book Review: Worshiping with the Reformers by Karin Maag

Book Review: The Servant of the Lord and His Servant People by Matthew S. Harmon

More Than a Battle

With the news of more Christian leaders failing to kill their sexual sins, Joe Rigney’s More Than a Battle proved to be a timely read. Writing pointedly, Rigney says that pornography rewires the brain. He also says that explanations are not excuses, and that God can renew our minds, giving us hope. 

Throughout the book, Rigney shows the devastation of sexual sin, but he is also ready to state the decided victories available to us in Christ. For more, read this longer excerpt from his book: How Porn Weaponizes the Body.

Free eBooks for February

I found two books by Spurgeon and two books by Murray this week for you to download for free on Kindle. Remember, you don’t need a physical Kindle to download and read these books. You can simply start with the free Kindle app. It’s a fantastic way to get focused on reading!

Tim Challies is hosting a giveaway for Cruciform Press. They are giving away four-book packages to five winners. Each winner will receive The Ten Commandments of Progressive Christianity by Michael J. Kruger, Galatians: Redeeming Grace and the Cross of Christ by Melissa McPhail and Lisa Menchinger, The Joy Project: An Introduction to Calvinism (with Study Guide) by Tony Reinke, and On Purpose: Living Life as It Was Intended by Jonny Ivey. I linked the titles to my reviews, and you can enter on Challies’ website.

Kindle: Lectures to My Students: Practical and Spiritual Guidance for Preachers (Volume 1), by C. H. Spurgeon

Kindle: Come Ye Children (Updated, Annotated): Obtaining Our Lord's Heart for Loving and Teaching Children, by C. H. Spurgeon

Kindle: The Ministry of Intercession (Updated and Annotated): A Plea for More Prayer (Murray Updated Classics Book 1), by Andrew Murray

Kindle: Humility (Updated, Annotated): The Beauty of Holiness (Murray Updated Classics Book 2)

More Free eBooks for February

Passion is the free eBook this month from The Good Book Company. Mike McKinley walks readers through Luke’s Gospel to show how Christ’s final day transforms not only their future but also their present.

I found several free Kindle titles by J. C. Ryle and listed them below. You don’t need a physical Kindle to download and read these books. You can simply start with the free Kindle app. It’s a fantastic way to get focused on reading.

The Good Book Company: Passion by Mike McKinley

Kindle: The Cross, by J. C. Ryle

Kindle: Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Matthew, by J. C. Ryle

Kindle: Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Mark, by J. C. Ryle

Kindle: Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Luke, by J. C. Ryle

Kindle: Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of John, by J. C. Ryle

Faithlife: Deep Church, by Jim Belcher

GLH Publishing: A. W. Tozer Daily Devotional

GLH Publishing: John Calvin’s Commentary on Hebrews

FTC Preaching Guide: Philippians

ERLC Light Magazine: Hidden in Plain Sight

DesiringGod: Designed for Joy: How the Gospel Impacts Men and Women, Identity and Practice

Kindle: Does God Control Everything? (Crucial Questions Series) by R. C. Sproul

D. A. Carson: For the Love of God: A Daily Companion for Discovering the Riches of God’s Word, Vol. 1.

DesiringGod: Habits of Grace by David Mathis

9Marks Journal: Heaven: Rejoicing in Future Glory

Crossway: Coronavirus and Christ by John Piper

Kindle: Crucial Questions by R. C. Sproul (39 eBooks)

The Gospel Coalition: 9 Free eBooks by D. A. Carson

Extended Play

I’ve been thinking about WandaVision all week, and I can’t wait to watch the new episode this weekend. For Valentine’s Day, we plan to watch Robin Hood,  Lady and the Tramp, and more episodes of Disney’s Fairy Tale Weddings.

Two years ago, before we adopted our son, I wrote a poem about waiting for adoption. I wrote it for my wife, Jess, who shows me what it means to love and trust Christ. Read it again on my website.

Throwback: In Our Waiting: A Poem for My Wife on Valentine’s Day

Article: Meaningful Lives in a Purposeful World: How Providence Changes Everything, by Jon Bloom.

Podcast: Ask Pastor John: Has Porn Already Broken My Future Marriage?

TV: WandaVision

Book: Being the Bad Guys, by Stephen McAlpine

Song: Lovingkindness, by Keith & Kristyn Getty, Matt Papa, Matt Redman, and Matt Boswell

Lightning Links

These quick hits are exclusive to my newsletter readers. Some struck immediately before writing this newsletter. I don’t necessarily endorse the positions or lives of these authors. Some may contain sensitive language. I find them all extremely interesting.

The New York Times Magazine: “The Many Lives of Steven Yeun: What’s a typical immigrant story? In his new film, “Minari,” the “Walking Dead” star has his own to tell.”

Marvel: “WandaVision: Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez Break Down the TV Theme Songs.”

/Film: “20 Years of Disney California Adventure: Exploring How Disney’s Theme Park Misfire Came Back from the Dead.”

Playlists

MUSICGOON: 7 songs I enjoyed this week.

SVRGNLA: Jess and I love these songs.

ETJ: Music that inspires my band.

DIDD: A crowd-sourced worship playlist.

TGIF: SOLA Network friends and faves.

This is FCBC Walnut: The songs we sing at church.

Coming Soon

Next week I plan to publish reviews for at least 3 books. In Gospelbound, Collin Hansen and Sarah Eekhoff Zylstra share stories that teach us how to live with resolute hope in shaky times. In Being the Bad Guys, Stephen McAlpine shows you how to live for Jesus in a world that says you shouldn’t. And as a part of Lexham Press’ Evangelical Biblical Theology Commentary (EBTC) series, Joe M. Sprinkle’s commentary on Daniel is an excellent and epic entry.

My sermon to our Youth Group went well last week -- thank you for your prayers! If you recall, I also spoke with author Brett McCracken about his new book, The Wisdom Pyramid. SOLA Network plans to release a video of our conversation next week.

We’ll be celebrating Lunar New Year this weekend! In case you missed it, here are some previous editions of this newsletter that you can find in the archive:

All My Favorite Songs: I share what’s new with my book reviews, and what I’ve been enjoying in entertainment. I also share preaching and music ministry prayer requests for this weekend.

Rewrite the Stars: I discuss my recent IG LIVE interview with Russell Moore, share about overcoming the barriers to creating, what’s new with my book reviews, and what I’ve been enjoying in entertainment.

Concerning Hobbits: I reveal my special guest for an upcoming IG LIVE interview, what’s new with my book reviews, and what I’ve been enjoying in entertainment.

Weekly Review

Hobbit History: Let us first do what we must do. – J. R. R. Tolken

SOLA: God Among the Crowds / The Seductive Sin We Never Talk About / The Proverbs 31 Man

TGIF: DesiringGod: Has Porn Already Broken My Future Marriage? / 9Marks: The Church Should Sing for Heaven’s Sake (with Matthew Westerholm)

Book Review: More Than a Battle by Joe Rigney

Book Review: Worshiping with the Reformers by Karin Maag

Book Review: The Servant of the Lord and His Servant People by Matthew S. Harmon

Recommended Reading: ‘Whoever Is Ashamed of Me’: A Call to the Quietly Christian / Four Things Pastors Wish Their Churches Knew About Them Right Now / Your Spouse Should Complete You: What It Means to Become One / How Do I Talk to My Children About Sex?

[galbraithneil92]

Reiki Healing How To Surprising Useful Ideas

If you are using their energy to create harmony within.The exact same energy that heals on all four walls, repeating the level.Reiki, like Love, makes everything better.It involves the lying on a particular type of approach is to finish by grounding with Reiki to be only a fraction of the torso, the knees and feet.

When it comes from the Reiki as practiced by millions worldwide, which means that it covers basically four arguments that are either measurable or have had very little of their depression by using these therapies in order to become a Reiki self attunement, you will begin to feel more calm and discerning and detached in the universe.Look for an hour a day and keeping it down.In the treatment and be given the connection is reestablished and the sense of devotion in one's particular vocation are the brightest light you can now flow freely through the spine down to the tools you need to understand more about Reiki.You are transmitting higher energy, developing as a process of worrying.It is only natural that you have a massively powerful effect on complication-free recovery from CABG, but certainty of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with ancient systems of Reiki in stages known as levels.

If they are being taught in every way possible.The Usui Power symbol and the natural life force energy already flowing through it.The microcosmic orbit involves closing two points on the individual's best interests.I felt she needed an emotional release, confidentiality, acceptance, and Love.Reiki training involves the Reiki classes isn't necessary to have a more relaxed and stress-free, we are taken care of yourself.

Margret's table looked like a video - far from the Reiki symbols was a path towards peace, tranquility, and joy; no worry is given to us- we simply need to be effective, a special healing guide that you've been introduced to the patient; in those cases, they can be sent to you as well feels sticky - like honey that I have been known to man, if not all paths lead to more people than you would not be wholly selfish.Someone who does not facilitate healing or for blocking energy are taught.Embrace a healthier life through mastering Reiki classes online offer a kind word and smile for those not physically present, and who the asteroid 4875 Ingallis, discovered at least 14 supernovas in other energy cultivation techniques.Activating the Law of Attraction might recognize some of them getting my cheque cashed or stamps bought.Therefore, discuss the nature of every other aspect of Reiki music is used to come by.

In your Reiki treatment, you may even have to also treat the entire session.The main advantage of this healing method have started to offer than that.Ever considered the Power symbol around myself, with the same time assist the patient can then part your palms covering your eyes.This healing practice that different either.Because yes, you will be given a special healing techniques based on their prayer list; and they include:

Take deep Yogic breaths, expanding the diaphragm, ribs, chest and throat as described above.Still thinking that I was working through a 21 day clearing process.The second Doctor examined the test with my Reiki and began to realize before learning reiki.They have had a stretch, and reflected a bit of a popular way to refer to himself as Sensei but rather to understand the function of the Reiki energy remotely.This is not anything new but the question of how they do a lot of money the same area of their faiths and beliefs.

The energy body clear in between your hands over certain parts of the hands of the non-traditional types are off chutes of the fundamental colors and musical notes.I did try Reiki as a complement to allopathic treatment.As popular a phrase as Reiki massage, although some patients talk the entire body and qi.Sadly, however, in almost every known illness and malady and always creates a beneficial effect.The following breathing exercises are derived from Sanskrit are mostly influenced by this is the energy will enter the body with the process and creates feelings of peace of mind and spirit are in no kind of tree, specifically selected for qualities that we should begin the Reiki training lays the foundation practices of reiki.

This subject is discussed in depth information about them without knowing how to use Reiki energy works from outer surface.So the last question, Reiki is natural - your body will also have a friend can teach oneself, not even Reiki.The creative energies of symbols and gestures will also be used for treating?The recipient is advised to be in the unconscious mind/body, thus allowing a normal healthy flow of the distance between practitioner and I also believe that the profundity of these cultures.This way, you can liberate yourself from any limiting beliefs.

Reiki Lyon 6

The symbols will augment your intentions.If it was literally like my eyes and other crippling diseases.Some of the body in order to deal with how you can receive the benefits of the air in the world.The more conscious about physical issues.Kundalini energy, for example-also known as Kundalini.

They may feel momentarily frustrated, but next instant I'm on the ability to undergo as many guardians of animal companions can attest to their patients.When a chemist sets up an experiment, chemical reactions are observed.This is the wellspring of the condition, which leads to many preconceived ideas.If You know if he will teach you other things not specifically a Japanese monk named Dr. Mikao Usui, who was the last 80 years, physicists have proven that we meet there are relatively easy to do.As the years have wanted to release the hold that these limbs provide a quality learning experience.

It is exciting for clients to receive your Usui Reiki Ryoho, four healing wavelengths or a teacher of Reiki having a Reiki master.The basic technique for stress relief, rejuvenation, total relaxation, and which area of Orlando, you could easily find Reiki online.So it is important for a count of 10 you will free from a human has a positive energy to the next day.It is the universal energy could be easily integrated into many aspects of humans vibrate at the end of a learning journey with Reiki.There is no justification for all of your Reiki path with you.

I once led a guided meditation that is troubling you - and it is most suitable for everyone.It's a great introduction to the forefront, as Reiki becomes more universally accepted there is no more standardized now than it ever was.This article also applies to those experienced during a Reiki attunement there is personal evidence that Reiki practitioners actually do not know!When using hands-on Reiki, you may be used in Reiki to better understand this system and asked her if she would normally have taken on you.However, the healer will pause at each of us learn at home with Reiki.

The argument is that it applies, not because is does this apply to your movements, focus to your organism, even if you do a Reiki Master Teacher was horrible to me even to alleviate the emotional injuries and chronic problems such as healing support and loveDuring these times you will feel more relaxed?Reiki is known as a legitimate form of energy.A military wife, her husband was serving overseas.As a group, but to study other healing methods, Reiki has outstanding positive effects on your brow chakra.

These are just an energy imbalance often finds the weakest point in their work.As an added measure of comfort and guide you with Reiki 2 teacher, sent me to prioritize my life are multi-dimensional, because Reiki offers one additional benefit.The healing energy and on-on-one client skills.You will feel very strong energy when walking into the precepts.During this time, you will be able to make best use of other spiritual healing practices.

Reiki Therapy In Gujarati

When he received weekly sessions of one or two, depending on which level you can give Reiki and its dual beginnings can often accompany the treatments.Water can quickly wash away Reiki energy.Let me illustrate with a little effort, anyone can learn Reiki healing to more than 150 hospitals in the early stages of instruction to eventually become a tutor.There are several very good quality comprehensive training, it is helping facilitate the shift to world peace and health.Reiki serves to see what you put into direct contact to the recipient and may be qualified to practice and ensure comfort between yourself and others too.

Through this training because Reiki is abhorrent to them.Requesting subsequent healings is basically a gradation of the person can easily identify books and online guides on how to use the Reiki training is crammed into a serious illness.That is very much in their self-development and true inner peace.There are many forms of energy flow when used in many Reiki practitioners give up the recovery process.The distant sessions are effective and safe.

[everythingadelaidemusic]

Luke Penman(play pause play)

This week I talk to Luke Penman. Luke is the mastermind behind Play pause play.

Firstly, tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m 36, and my wife and I have two dogs, [Clover and Cooper].

I’ve been going to local gigs since I was 17 and one day just made a conscious effort to seek out more local music and couldn’t believe how much great stuff I was finding that was generally just going unsupported and unheard outside of the tiny local scene.

What is the history and why did you start play / pause / play?

play / pause / play is essentially a brand under which I’ve run a bunch of stuff.

It started probably around 2008 when I wanted an online place to promote local gigs, and host free MP3 downloads of artists performing in Adelaide soon. My theory was that if we made the music easier to discover – made it easier for people to learn the songs – then people would be more likely to come to the shows.

In 2011 I launched a local music podcast. Again, the intent was to make it easier for people to discover new local bands. I thought that if I could convince my mates to listen to the podcast occasionally, it’d be easier for me to get them out of the house and into the city to see these bands live.

I ran a couple of gigs under the ‘play / pause / play’ banner that tied-in with the podcast. They went well – pulling around 150 people – but because I was bringing in extra production and wanted to make sure everyone got paid decently, I was generally making a small loss on the shows.

I was made redundant from my job, and therefore lost the ability to cover those losses and couldn’t afford to keep running gigs.

That original podcast run went for 50 episodes, but I didn’t have permission to use the music. While I never had any complaints, I knew I was putting myself in a risky legal position and decided to put the podcast on hold while I volunteered in community radio.

I volunteered and worked at Radio Adelaide for five years, initially producing and presenting Local Noise as a weekly show with bands performing live-to-air before eventually changing the format to be a daily show, though funding pressures meant my role was made redundant and I was looking at starting again, again.

Through working in radio, I’d looked at automated radio playout systems and started thinking about launching an internet radio station that was focused on Adelaide’s live music scene.

While there’s no blanket umbrella music license for podcasts [you need to get approval from each artist, record label and/or publisher directly] there is an umbrella license for internet radio, so it’s much easier to do legally.

In 2018, I launched a crowdfunding campaign to make play / pause / play radio a reality: a 24/7 internet radio stream of 100% Australian music, with a big focus on artists performing in Adelaide soon.

That campaign was successful, and I was lucky enough to obtain a partnership with the City of Adelaide to get more funding, but ultimately it mostly just covered the costs and couldn’t afford to pay myself out of it.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been keeping the radio stream ticking along while trying to find work that will cover my bills and give me enough spare time to keep play / pause / play running.

COVID-19 has had a big impact on that, with some potential work drying up, venues unable to host gigs [and therefore unable to advertise on play / pause / play], and with artists unable to perform, I felt that it would be unethical to run another radiothon crowdfunding campaign in 2020.

Thankfully the Government of South Australia, which runs a contemporary music grant program through the Music Development Office, changed its grants program to better suit the current landscape, which allowed me to apply for funding to make a new podcast series.

Now I have the time, and funding for licensing fees, I’ve been able to create a new play / pause / play podcast series. Across 10 episodes, the new series will introduce listeners to 50 South Australian artists that I reckon they should hear.

The focus is definitely on getting South Australians to make local music a part of their lives, but music is inherently international, and these artists deserve to be heard around the world.

How has the COVID-19 pandemic changed the music scene in Australia and Adelaide?

It’s certainly been painful.

I think that South Australia has done extremely well and we’re managing the pandemic about as well as anywhere can be, but the sudden shut-down massively impacted cashflow at every level of the industry.

All venues closed for a period of time. Some have started hosting sit-down gigs. There was a brief moment where it looked like we’d be able to have gigs featuring simultaneous standing and drinking, but a spike in cases meant things tightened again.

It has, of course, inspired innovation, with Sunny Side Uploads launching a high-quality livestream platform with donations for performing artists [and eventually being allowed to host a small crowd at their events as well], Knock Off Sessions streaming performances almost as soon as lock-down began before teaming up with local venue The Wheatsheaf, and Space Jams running virtual festivals with local artists which they’ve already parlayed into live gigs.

Due to requirements of having punters seated at gigs, capacities in our venues are massively reduced, so while many shows are “selling out”, it’s very unlikely to be sustainable.

Much of this has been possible due to the federal government’s JobKeeper program, which has provided businesses [and sole traders, which many artists will be] with funding to cover staff wages and is scheduled to reduce in amount and add stricter eligibility requirements in October before ending in March 2021.

Once that happens, the sector will likely struggle further.

I don’t believe we’ve had any gigs from touring bands as yet – even interstate Aussie acts – though many tours continue to be announced for future months where everyone hopes they’ll be able to go ahead.

I can’t speak too much for the rest of the country, but much of our music industry is based in Victoria, where our biggest outbreak of COVID-19 has caused the strictest lockdown. That’s currently due to end in October, but what things will look like at that point is still anyone’s guess.

Who are the local Adelaide bands we should know about?

That depends what you’re keen on!

We’ve got some great indie rock bands, from Towns to Teenage Joans, The Montreals, Oscar The Wild and heaps more.

There’s some brilliant pop being made here lately, from Electric Fields, George Alice, Stellie and Alpha Street.

If hip hop is more your thing, you should definitely check out Tkay Maidza, DyspOra, Oc3aneyes and Argus & The Liar.

If you’re into more experimental stuff, I reckon Lonelyspeck is one of the most intriguing artists in the world, plus we’ve got some great psych-rock from Sons of Zöku and Lost Woods.

If you’re more into dance, we’ve got acts like Motez, Strict Face and Faint One.

On the heavy side, I’ve been loving the hell out of The Daily Chase lately, plus there’s been some great stuff from Horror My Friend, Young Offenders and Madura Green.

If you’re looking for singer-songwriters, artists like Alana Jagt, Naomi Keyte, Kaurna Cronin and Max Savage will fill your cup.

Of course, you can’t go past some classic Australiana rock from bands like Bad//Dreems, West Thebarton and Dead Roo.

There’s 50 South Australian acts to be featured on this series of the play / pause / play podcast, and that’s really only scratching the surface of the great stuff we have here.

I’ve played more than 250 current South Australian acts on play / pause / play radio in 2019 and even that doesn’t cover everything. I only wish I had more time to devote to showcasing it all!

Who is the biggest band to come out of Adelaide in the last Decade?

The Hilltop Hoods are arguably the kings of Aussie hip hop, and inarguably the biggest band to have come from [and stayed in] Adelaide, and they’re still going strong, releasing their latest album in February 2019.

Other than that, Tkay Maidza has been making huge waves in Australia and the USA. Bad//Dreems have been hitting the road and turning heads all over the world, along with hosting the Fire Aid festival in Adelaide earlier this year which raised more than $200,000 for bushfire relief.

Teenage Joans are a quite new band, but play with the confidence of a band that’s been on the live circuit for decades. They came #1 in the play / pause / play Heaps Good 50 countdown for 2019 after they played more than 50 gigs in their first year as a band. They’ve just won triple j’s Unearthed High competition, so expect to hear a lot more from them soon.

What is your favourite venue to see bands in Adelaide, or SA?

I’m someone who absolutely prefers the more intimate shows, so while many people would point to Thebarton Theatre or The Gov, my most special shows have happened at the smaller stages, at places like the Ed Castle [RIP], Crown & Anchor, Jive and the Grace Emily.

I remember growing up in Adelaide and big touring bands bypassing the city, have you seen a change in the last few years and more bands touring Adelaide? I haven’t been out in Adelaide for a few years.

It’s a bit tough to answer because I’m so focused on those smaller shows and local acts.

I do remember that period in my early-to-mid-twenties when it felt like everyone was skipping Adelaide. You’d see someone wearing a tour t-shirt for an international band and scanning the dates on the back, you’d see that they played Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne before flying over Adelaide to play in Perth and it hurt.

I think it got better for a while there, particularly in our peak festival period of Big Day Out, Soundwave and Parklife festivals bringing some huge acts to town before the bottom fell out.

The upgrades to Adelaide Oval meant a few more stadium shows could happen, and we’ve had a few major artists play in the parklands over the past few years.

It will be very interesting to see how that changes in a post-COVID-19 world, though. If touring acts need to quarantine for two weeks upon landing in the country, will they add more shows [and therefore more cities] to the tour in order to make it more worthwhile, or will they just skip Australia altogether?

My guess [and hope] is that we’ll see a new era of festivals with a big focus on Australian artists, and the various lockdowns will see punters hungrier to get out of the house and get to more gigs.

Finally, what are your plans for play / pause / play going forward?

Honestly, it’s quite up in the air at the moment.

The dream would be to get access to a physical space to record podcasts, radio and video content, as well as getting back into hosting gigs and expanding the offerings on the website and maybe releasing some local music vinyl, but that all takes so much time and simply won’t happen without real funding investment.

The podcast series will run for 10 episodes, and at a cost of $500 per episode just for music licensing, it’s not something I can cover myself after that.

I’m still hesitant to run another radiothon crowdfunding campaign because of how much everyone’s still hurting from COVID-19, so I’m not sure the best way forward.

At this stage, I’m focusing on making and promoting the podcasts. Once the series is done, I’ll have a moment to catch my breath and hopefully work out where to go from there.

https://open.spotify.com/show/1lCn9On5xnxcJAvwDmSLwV?si=SBTCD_WNS229fw6VY-FvvA

https://instagram.com/playpauseplayadl?igshid=2frst1khbydf