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#my parents are straight up only living on me
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britneyshakespeare · 2 months
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you know someday i'm gonna feel so good when i have my student loans paid off
that ain't gonna be soon, trust me, but i think about it
#i've been saving so much for it that i paid off over like $2k in the last 2 or 3 months#it's just thinking about how the amount of interest goes off that drives me literally crazy#and my monthly amount i owe is like just under $120#which to some people as a regular bill is more manageable than others. but as i have an irregular income#as a substitute teacher it's something that gives me a LOT of stress.#which is another reason i've been overpaying. in case something happens/i can't get a lot of work#it defers the next due date.#that way it's not urgent but yet i still *feel* it all the time#debt is a crazy kind of thing#and to think that my loans are from COMMUNITY college. two years. publicly owned#when i start taking classes again soon. i currently have enough saved that if i take like ONE class#i can pay out of pocket. and i think im only gonna take one class to start anyway#which will also help with the deferred payments#see i just fucking hate having to think practically about money like this#tales from diana#idk how ppl leave high school and go straight to live in a dorm room at a private university for four straight years#and rack up tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.#first of all that lifestyle was not accessible for me to begin with. even when paying it was such an abstract put-it-off thought#as it is for so many 18-year-olds who are told not to worry about where they apply.#but i had under $12k to repay when the student loan debt was unfrozen last fall#and it's been weighing on me soooo heavily since then. i think about it every damn day#it's like the money i make isn't even mine. it goes straight to mohela and food#keep in mind i also live w my parents & am on their health insurance so someday there'll be moooore bills!!!!
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kyuala · 11 months
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SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything
#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either#anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable#and imaginable way possible like#and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam#family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life#he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good#christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif#we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for#the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would#have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only#he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life#he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our#church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty#much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl#stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the#long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an#he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING#and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY#WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time#WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE#and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me#but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this?#so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't#mari.txt#personal#tw negative#dl#btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never#had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.
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robinsnest2111 · 4 months
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still feeling bad even after food and a couple hours of sleep. how mean
#one of these days the yearning for an understanding person to come home to at the end of a day will end me#until then i will probably have to complain about my stupid suffering#why must humans be a social species and why must i crave things i cannot have lol#why must i be stuck living with people i cannot ever trust again. want to be around people i like and who i can be vulnerable with#tbh if i still was as whiny in real life as i am on here most days i'd only get to hear 'shut up' and 'tough luck. man up'#and that is Not It. would only make me feel worse. so i keep quiet and keep to myself#which does not solve my original problem at all#maybe one day. maybe one day i can just be a beloved pet that doesn't get scolded or belittled for seeking comfort#that one thing my parents said to me 15 years ago still haunts me#'only people who deserve it get hugs' which was used to deny me comfort/affection. because apparently i am not worthy/deserving 👍#i was 13 going through the most vile shit at school but bc it affected me negatively and my parents didn't like me at my mentally illest#they just straight up denied me any type of comfort or support. took away my belongings. made me stay in my room for months on end#as corrective punishment. but none of it made me better. just made me worse. idk idk idk#all the shit they put me through. the emotional and physical punishments. the beatings borne from frustration#and still some part of me wants to seek comfort from them. BUT I SHOULDN'T. they broke my trust and my heart and soul so many times#it'd be straight up suicide to open up and be vulnerable with them again... lole running chest first into a wall of knives. no.#sorry. really in it tonight. gonna try to be more normal tomorrow
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subsequentibis · 4 months
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motivated by prev post. list of concerts i remember going to chronologically
age 10: billy talent & mcr. billy talent and one other band were opening for mcr but i liked billy talent more so i was there for them more.
age 14: george watsky. in detroit. went with my brother & wrote a seven page paper about the concert for a school project.
age 17-ish: foo fighters. lost some time during this concert, honestly not sure if i passed out or just zoned out but i was seated so it was ok. i like the foo fighters a lot and the concert was good it was just really late at night
age 21: hozier. november 2019 so like Right before the pandemic. also seated, an honestly transcendental experience.
literally in the past month: too many zooz (awesome), they might be giants (one of the best nights of my life), joe jackson (pretty damn good)
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rivilu · 8 months
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Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me
#river rambles#vent post#tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now#sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3#i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person#to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling -#the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom)#i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person#it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start#dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic#like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still#i hate being told to wait for things to happen#the dreaded 'it'll get better'#it hasnt#it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS#nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all#literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT!#I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans.#All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do#most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality#since i couln't transition then anyway#but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore#because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit!#Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like.#and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me#that's not even me#birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera
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got-eggs · 8 months
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Bros one the post office mail distribution centers are coming after my ass lmao
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cavefairy · 10 months
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the one good thing abt having homework over thanksgiving break is that i can hide in my room and watch murder drones bc i Do Not Like the family that is staying with us for the weekend
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(vent in the tags. feel free to ignore em)
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woodsy-hoe · 1 year
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just gonna cry in the shower and pretend to be a normal person after ig
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timeisacephalopod · 1 year
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I saw a post the other day that kinda pushed back on the way all coming of age movies are about sexuality and all high school stories basically center around who wants to fuck who and how that's like. Not really all coming of age and high school stories should offer since you know. Youth isn't about who you have a crush on and probably coming of age stories in particular should be far more diverse in subject matter than they are.
Honestly as someone who, when I was 'coming of age' age, hated coming of age stories and still do for the exact reason listed above (see the weird scene in It where we all sexualize a 13 year old girl because boys have crushes and surely there's no other way to portray this than feeling a child up with a camera to demonstrate boys have ~feelings~ Bev gets no equivalent scene because she's the object of affection rather than the subject feeling desire) I also wish there was diversity in those stories. And coming of age stories about adults- we don't stop going through huge life moments that change everything forever, but back to kids. When I was a kid I could have desperately used a coming of age story where the character has a sick and dying parent who does die by the end of the story and what happens after that. Granted I did just fine without it, but even without being asexual it's always irked me that coming of age stories don't seem to appreciate that kids have way larger problems and way better stories to tell then first crushes and first kisses for shit sake give kids who went through what I did as a kid some kind of story about what happens when your parent gets cancer and how complicated that is and stop assuming the biggest thing that happens around puberty is discovering sexuality that, if you were queer, you probably already noticed what you felt wasn't in a coming of age story anyway.
#winters ramblings#id actually LOVE to see a coming of age story about an immigrant child moving to a new country#and have the coming of age center around THAT instead of these bizarre vaguely adult explorations of sexuality#that honestly ive never related to anyway like maybe the allos get it but even THEY deserve more diversity in stories#SURELY even your local allos have a dad dying of cancer they desperately need to know what to do with#like deadass a therapist told me at 26 i was robbed as a child because of what i went through and i STILL cry when i think of that#but no coming of age is all sex shit because children according to adults dont have real issues#which tells me adukts writing the stories are MASSIVELY privileged or stunted by execs or straight up assune kids wont watch#a REAL coming of age story. also i want a coming of age story about a 40 year old who is going through a career change#and the struggles that come with late career change. the benefits of a late career change. all the complicated family goo around all this#just give me decent stories that arent too focused on fycking RELATIONSHIPS for once. have them there sure i dont care#but for FUCK sakes can we stop pretending a 13 year olds biggest concern us who they have a crush on??#my dad was DEAD and i knew only one other person who lost her mom way younger than me at 8#we did not understand each other and how could we when our situations were so different. BOTH of us were so highly alienated#because NO ONE not even each other could relate to a lot if the people around us. the only thing we DID have in common#was the sick feeling we got when someone would bitch about their parents having fair expectations or not giving them literally everything#we both had an 'at least you HAVE parents to hokd you to reasonable standards and all you do is SQUANDER it' even if our feelings werent#faur to our peers anymore than their feelings were fair to us. wheres the coming of age story about THAT#tell me a story about a 16 year old whos mom has been dead HALF her life already like my friend. i was lucky enough not to deal with that#until i was 24. she deserved better out if high school and coming of age stories too. believe it or not kids have REAL lives and problems#and im SO tired of no one writing anything but some sad kids books about it even if the books are SOMETHING to start with#like for shit sakes must NICEthat the worst thing YOU went through was realizing you had a sexuality but my queer ass#ALWAYS knew i was different and highschool highlighted that a BUNCH so unless we're exploring aroace teens that doesnt appeal either#great yet ANOTHER story about straight teenagers because THEYRE the ones who need guidance on how to express themselves#like they dont see strsight people storoes and sexuality EVERYWHERE plus the ACTUAL opportunity to date in high school#that most queer kids dont get or dont get in the same way. why is THAT the only story being told when its the most saturated and BORING#and also ignores that kids have REAL issues and NO angency. explore THAT. do ANYTHING but yet another fucking coming of age story#about straight kids having crushes on each other and thats IT like come on SERIOUSLY
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mrsmarlasinger · 1 year
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My manager at the call center isn't gonna be here for the rest of the week. Nor is our office manager. I'm gonna throw up. Like I'm literally nauseous with dread
#it's JUST me and my one coworker because they fired coworker libby a few weeks ago#we're so fucked oh my god like#i ask my manager for shit ALL THE TIME oh my goddddd#i don't even have permission to use bonding slots for ortho emergencies omfg i'm gonna actually kill myself#and i took 53 calls on monday?? calls take like 5–10min usually & there's only 480 minutes in a work day?? and now we're down one person??#i was literally physically ill with stress today having to constantly call people back and i only took 43 calls#(7 of which were 10–20min new patient calls which each require like a good 15+ min of follow-up as well. but i digress)#i also got a call that was just fifteen seconds of BLOODY MURDER SCREAMING until i got way too scared and hung tf up. jfc#(which i thought that was one of those scam calls where they just play audio of a woman screaming for her fucking life#but it came from a patient's parent's phone number?? so idk??????)#(sometimes i hear kids screaming in the background cuz it's a pediatric dentistry but this was something different.#no talking just horrific screaming for over ten seconds straight. oh my god)#anyway on the OFF chance we have ANY free time tomorrow taking 80+ calls on our own. we'll have to spend it CALLING BACK MISSED CALLS#AND I'LL NEVER GET MY FUCKING NEW PATIENTS IN. GOD#ONLY 56 HOURS OF THIS JOB LEFT. CHRIST A-FUCKING-LIVE. PARENTS ARE GONNA BE MAD AT ME AND ORTHO COORDINATOR CANDI WILL YELL AT ME#AND I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF. I HATE MY JOB AND I HATE THIS FUCKING DENTISTRY. GODDDDDD#personal#work shit#work blogging#work
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anaalnathrakhs · 2 years
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i’m handling it well btw, the everything
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fingertipsmp3 · 14 days
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So the shift went fine but my weed cupcakes STILL aren’t here because royal mail decided not to leave them in my enclosed porch or my greenhouse or with my lovely, trustworthy neighbours
#i’m gonna have to speed back here after pilates and just hope i catch these people#tomorrow i mean#in fact i think i might make a sign or something for the door saying PLEASE leave packages on the back porch i am begging you#i don’t know how many times they attempt delivery before just returning to sender or disposing of the things#the ticket they left was timestamped 10:55am…… since when does the post even COME that early#i know my shift ended at 1pm but i was still half expecting to be back in time to catch the postie honestly#the other day i saw her going around posting letters at QUARTER TO FOUR in the afternoon#like someone explain this to me#like i live rural as shit. this shouldn’t be happening#i have a friend who lives in sheffield right next to the depot and her post arrives at about 8am#i didn’t know what the fuck was happening the first time. i was like what do you mean your post arrives before lunchtime#it can generally be anywhere between 11 and 3 here but after 3 is not unheard of#i used to want to be a postie because of this and my parents were like nah they have to get up super early to be at the sorting office#sounds fake but okay#i want to clarify i love the royal mail. MOST reliable couriers i have ever experienced#but good god why is my shit at your depot and not in my fridge#they don’t want me to succeed. they don’t want me to have a good mental health#they have my glasses as well! that’s even more annoying#i’m so tired i like can’t read. and my only glasses are my old ones which have zero anti glare and zero screen protection#maybe i will just nap#if i miss tomorrow’s delivery because of pilates i’m gonna straight up cry#personal
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thebibliosphere · 2 months
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He sounded interested and even concerned. I thought he had been touched by what the doctor and advocates in the meeting had just shared about their journey with their patients and their own family members. But I was wrong.
“Those people . . . ” Donald said, trailing off. “The shape they’re in, all the expenses, maybe those kinds of people should just die.”
I truly did not know what to say. He was talking about expenses. We were talking about human lives. For Donald, I think it really was about the expenses, even though we were there to talk about efficiencies, smarter investments, and human dignity.
I turned and walked away
[from later in the article]
Donald took a second as if he was thinking about the whole situation.
“I don’t know,” he finally said, letting out a sigh. “He doesn’t recognize you. Maybe you should just let him die and move down to Florida.”
Wait! What did he just say? That my son doesn’t recognize me? That I should just let him die?
Did he really just say that? That I should let my son die . . . so I could move down to Florida?
Really?
[...]
Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear Donald say that. It wasn’t far off from what he’d said that day in the Oval Office after our meeting with the advocates. Only that time, it was other people’s children who should die. This time, it was my son.
When you’re legitimately so evil you tell a parent, your own fucking nephew, to their face that it’d be more cost-effective to let their child die because they are disabled.
Honestly, it's not the ableism or eugenics that shocks me. Donald Trump has shown who he is time and time again. I guess what got me was that he’d be willing to hold the same views for family members.
Usually these types of people make exceptions for their own. “It’s not immoral if it’s my abortion, I’m only doing this because I have no choice, mine is necessary” kind of thing.
But nope. Donald just straight up thinks his great nephew should die because it’s expensive to keep him alive.
Jesus Wept.
Fucking vote. Please, I’m begging you. As a disabled immigrant who isn’t able to vote I see so many people saying they’re going to boycott the election by not voting and I want to scream.
You boycott products by withholding money.
Not voting in elections only disenfranchises yourself. You’re not protesting. You’re giving tyrants power.
Please vote like people’s lives depend on it because they do.
If you need help figuring out how to register I will help you but please. Please vote.
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imjustlaughingalong · 9 months
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Maybe I'm misinterpreting or just being silly, but like...it very much feels like my father is making an earnest effort (whether he admits or not) to replace every aspect of his previous marriage and consequently family with this new woman and the "childless carefree bachelor" life he "deserves"
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FUCKING NOBODY:
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOBODY EVER:
MY MOTHER TELLING ME TO STOP TALKING ABOUT MY TRANS FRIENDS, STOP TALKING ABOUT BEING GAY, STOP PULLING MY BROTHER UP ON BEING RACIST, AND GENERALLY "STOP DOING THINGS TO AGGRAVATE" MY LITERAL SELF PRONOUNCED NAZI BROTHER BECAUSE "IT JUST MAKES HIM MORE DETERMINED":
I WISH I WAS FUCKING JOKING
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