#navigating friendships

[edenfenixblogs]

It would be so easy to ghost most of my old friends that I’m still loosely in contact with since 10/7. They never reach out to me. I’m always the one making contact. I know it makes them uncomfortable when I bring up literally anything that’s affecting me. And yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I just…can’t. I don’t have the energy to confront any of them about how deeply they’ve failed me as friends or how deeply they’ve failed themselves as people who supposedly care about marginalized people.

But I also can’t bring myself to sever ties.

And I think I’ve figured out why. I refuse to be the one to take an emotional risk. There is a plate glass wall up between them and me now. We can see each other, but we can’t get close. Not anymore. But there is a door in the glass. On my side, I have a hammer. On their side, there is a hammer and a key. My only options are smashing that wall with my hammer or doing nothing. They have the same options, but they also have the option to open the door.

I feel like I’m surrounded by lots of other rooms where other friends got to make the same choice. Some opened the door. Most smashed the glass. But either way, I know where they stood.

The only group that hasn’t made a choice is still behind glass with the door locked. But the door is also made of glass.

So I’ve chosen to stand at the door. Glaring at them. I breathe on the window and write messages on the steam like “hi!” And “I saw a great movie today, have you seen it?” And “woohoo! Three hostages are released!”

Most of the time they pretend not to see the messages. Sometimes, if it’s not too visibly about being Jewish, they’ll write a message in their own breath. A small smiley face or a one word reply. But they’re very careful not to meet my gaze. If they did, they’d notice when I pointedly shifted it to the hammer and key lying side by side.

I know they want me to walk through the shards of glass or the doors that other, better friends have opened. They want me to give up and forget about them so that I don’t make them uncomfortable enough to make a choice.

But I’m not going anywhere. At the end of the day, the wall shouldn’t be there. If they want to be my friend, they’d need to open the door. If being friends with me is too much of a hassle for them, they need to nut up and break the glass.

Either way, I’m not absolving them of the responsibility of making that choice.

Their silence, like mine, is the third choice. But I do not consent to letting them make it a comfortable silence. I will pointedly be as direct in my silence as possible.

Some of them have been somewhat supportive. But not to anyone but me. Not where anybody outside our circle can see. It’s exhausting. But I have my nose pressed to the glass.

[xxdreamscapes]

you don’t need to “rot” what you need to do is be better to your community and friends !!!!

xx Hope this helps

[tantra-san-diego]

Just Friends? How to Recognize When She Wants Something More

Building strong platonic relationships with women can be healthy and enriching. Female friends can offer valuable perspectives on romance, share insights into relationships, and even boost your social confidence. But sometimes, friendship evolves into something more—and figuring out if she’s interested can be tricky.   Women often express their feelings subtly, through actions and behaviors…

[jenanigans1207]

What I wanted so badly was for Mary to learn about her boys from Cas. Like that night where Cas finds her when she can’t sleep and she expresses that she just doesn’t know anything about her sons since she missed so much?? All I wanted was for Cas to sit down with her at the table and just start telling her about them. Basic stuff at first: their favorite foods, their sleeping habits, the stuff he’s just observed by being their passenger for years.

And then I want him to say something totally Cas, like “Dean always wears more layers but that’s because his body naturally runs two degrees colder than Sam’s. But that’s normal for him and not indicative of any illness, so it’s nothing to worry about.”

And as they talk, it starts to get a little deeper, and Cas tells her more. He tells her about what she missed, about all the horrible things that happened to her sons and how they coped; how it changed them. And he tells her about Sam, he does, but really it ends up being all about Dean.

He’ll tell her about how Dean clenches his fists when he’s upset, even as he tries to keep his face impassive. About how Dean drums his fingers on the steering wheel when he’s anxious. He’ll tell her about Dean’s nightmares, about the ways he’s chosen to cope. He’ll tell her how to know when to approach Dean and when to give him space, how to gently acknowledge what he’s feeling without pushing him too far.

And with every word he says, Mary’s curious head tilt from when she’d seen them hug in reunion turns into a bone deep type of certainty. Because Cas is telling her things that only someone who paid special attention would notice. He’s telling her things that only someone very, very close to her son’s heart would know.

Cas will tell her the cliff notes of what they’ve been through; will tell her how the whole world looked to Dean and he rose to the occasion over and over again. He’ll tell her about Dean’s doubts in himself and then vehemently declare them as wrong and explain, at length, why. He will tell her about the people Dean has loved— the people who loved him like he was their own— and lost. He will tell her about Bobby, Ellen, Jody, Donna, and Charlie. He’ll tell her about Claire, too, and how Dean stepped up.

And the whole time, Mary will have this realization that oh, she may not have been around to guide and protect her sons, but there was always someone there to care for them and support them when they needed it. She will realize that she and John may have left them, but they were never alone.

But more than that, there was someone there for Dean. Someone picking Dean over and over again while Dean picked Sam, or the world, over himself. There was someone fighting for Dean when he wasn’t fighting for himself. There was someone who saw Dean, and loved him unconditionally.

Sitting across from her, at the asscrack of dawn, filling her in on all the things she missed was every mother’s dream: someone who loved her child with the kind of devotion that would break the world. And from the sounds of the stories she was being told, it did break the world. Someone whose love is entirely untainted and comes without any strings attached.

It’s so clear to her as she listens to Cas talk that Cas loves Dean with no expectations. That loving Dean is something he just does, like he doesn’t know how not to love Dean, like the possibility of not loving him never occurred to Cas. He loves Dean in a way that Mary knows can and will soothe Dean’s sharp edges and battered heart. He loves Dean in the kind of pure way that tells Mary that it will continue to endure and overcome everything without ever diminishing, even the littlest amount.

Mary, through tears, will tell Cas how she always told Dean that there were angels watching over him. And before Cas can make some comment about Dean being the Righteous Man and the interest of most of Heaven, she will place a hand over his and give him a motherly look that will convey all the things she’s not sure how to say— and the things she’s not sure Cas is ready to hear yet. And Cas will flush and look away, mumbling about how her son is very special to him.

And when she pulls him into a hug and murmurs thank yous into his shoulder, she will be comforted in the knowledge that her sons turned out to be wonderful men, and that they managed to stay together through everything. She will be comforted to know that no matter what happens, no matter her shortcomings as she tries to fill a role she never meant to leave, Sam will have Dean and Dean will have Cas.

And this time, when Cas tells her that she belongs here, she will believe him. And she will tell him that he belongs here, too.

And when Dean wakes up a few hours later and wanders in to find Mary and Cas still chatting over the table, he’ll be surprised— but pleased— to find Mary looking more at ease. He’ll be pleased when she gives him a warm hug and pats him on the cheek and tell him with all the sincerity that only a mother can muster that she’s glad that he met Castiel. And when Dean agrees, a little confused, Mary will just smile at him.

“I always said I’d like a third son.” She says, “so give him a reason to take our last name, won’t you?”

And Dean will splutter and turn fifteen shades of red as he steadfastly doesn’t look at Cas but mumbles something that suggests he’s not against the idea at all.

And Mary will laugh again and wink at an equally red Cas before heading towards the kitchen like “Cas said waffles are your favorite, so I hope you’re hungry!”

[bearloonz]

Newsflash, asshole!

[veinsfullofstars]

Two babies lost in the wilderness lookin’ at pretty flowers. More at 11.

(ID: Kirby series fanart of @post-it-notes7’s Mir Galacta Knight sitting in a patch of flowery grass, his mask off and set just behind one of his wings, sparkles and highlights touching the edges of M!GK’s armor and horns. Shadow Kirby lays perched on top of his head between his horns, the both of them staring down in wide-eyed wonder at a glowing, sparkling cluster of Pop Flowers, tiny and pink and four-petaled in a firework-like burst of stems. END ID.)

I cannot express how much I adore the way you draw the Orbs, Post. Reading through your Mirrorverse stuff has been a treat so far, and I’m so curious about what’ll happen next in the story! I hope I managed to do your mirror warrior justice here. ⭐

Started and finished 05/14/24, updated for color correction 11/02/24.

[plantanarchy]

mmm retail manager got laid off today. it was a long time coming and I didn't love working with them but did get along with them decently well, also kept turning down queer hangout offers because of my chronic social recluse tendencies. feels bad man. anyway, onward

[cinnamontoastcrunch-15]

Today’s @wolfstarmicrofic prompt is father!

(112 words.)

“Remus, lovely, you’re panicking.” Lily said gently, an amused smile playing on her face as she folded herself onto Remus’ bed.

“Of course I’m bloody panicking! A letter? Who tells someone that they love them in a letter?!”

“Sirius, apparently.” She answered, watching Remus cover his face with his hands and groan. “You have to write something back, you-“

“Hey, you two.�� Remus’ father’s voice rang out from the doorway, forcing Remus to sit up, Lily turning to face him. “Door open, please.” He watched them carefully, before moving away. Remus glanced at Lily, before promptly breaking down in laughter, dropping his head onto her shoulder as she laughed along with him.

[xxdreamscapes]

diary-x 050125 | 11:00 pm

on friendships & inconvenience;

Now and then, I think about all the times I convinced myself all the wrong people were the right ones just because I didn’t wanna be alone.

I consider history in my relationships, but it seems a lot of people don't. It's always been a tough pill for me to swallow. I know that history isn't an excuse to keep someone around who mistreats you. I also know that life isn't so black and white. Though there might be things unspoken, resentments, or miscommunication, I know that most people stay past an expiration date because they care enough to want things to work. You can love people who aren't healthy for you, but it doesn't mean you should.

I've been thrown away like garbage. I've thrown others away in the same regard. I'm not blameless. Who is? We're all responsible for the parts we play in our relationships. Me, now? I don't think people are disposable. Or interchangeable. If that's the way you view people I feel sorry for you. When I need to remove myself from a situation, I have longstanding and good reason. However, I have a hard time allowing others the same courtesy.

Sometimes, I think that I'm bitter, because if we were to quantify it, the way I've been mistreated by certain people was much worse than my worst moments. I've often felt an imbalance in past friendships, and for the longest time, I blamed myself. I always wound up feeling like I gave too much and became resentful by the end. This isn't applicable to current friends, thankfully, because my current friendships either began on a solid foundation (where I never felt like they had anything to gain besides being my pal) or were made in adulthood as I began implementing healthier interpersonal skills. Or both. But over the years, concern from outside perspectives shared with me as well as years of building self trust, signaled to me that a lot of people in my life wanted a best friend, but refused the inconvenience of being one.

Most people have some form of trauma, whether it's linked to family, friendship, or intimate partners. I'm not discrediting anyone's lived experience or agency to remove themselves from unsafe situations. But when you get to know people. And I mean, really, get to know them and see how nonchalant they are with their relationships and habits, it's a painful experience. When the laziness, or defensiveness rear their ugly heads, it's hard not to notice. Are they leaving because it's what's best for both of us? Or are they leaving because it's the easy way out, because maybe you're too needy or asking for far too much (you're probably not)

It makes you wonder about how they've always felt about you. It makes you question off-hand comments, birthday cards, or every message they ever sent about how they were so *grateful* for you. Does gratitude entail abandoning people you care about in difficult moments? Knowing I’ve sat with you through your familial troubles, anxiety about college, fear of being perceived, body image issues... any of it? I've since learned: don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you — let alone give you room on the sidewalk, when walking in a group. I'm saying all of this as someone who's taken a flight and driven miles for someone who couldn't bother to drive a couple to see me while we were living in the same god damn town. But lo and behold, a shiny new bombshell enters their life and suddenly they're Lightning McQueen! The forgiveness comes and goes. The introspection helps. I'll get there.

And yea, maybe I should have spoken up or asked for reciprocity from the person I, and many others, chauffeured around. But when you love someone, I don't think that fucking matters. I've driven many people, countless times, to the airport who wouldn't even uber me there. Spent years lending an ear to their miseries over breakups, family, etc. only for them to not change a damn thing or intentionally seek out cycles of self-harm. I've been patient, and selfless beyond human capacity, but yet somehow I was still met with accusations of selfishness and entitlement. The narratives people run with...

I get why people become bitter and jaded because of how they’ve been treated. Luckily that ain’t me..

It's hard to raise issues with people you love and have known for so long. It's anxiety inducing to think about their reaction or our shifting dynamics. Especially when the reality of their reaction ends up being much worse than you ever anticipated. It shouldn't be difficult to bring things up with people you love, which is why I always try my best to listen and not react. When someone deflects and makes it about the way I reacted instead of the impact their actions, I know there's no conversation that can salvage the fractures

So thank you to the people who've clued me into their true feelings. So much is said in patronization. So much is said in the unsaid. For a lot of people, the cruelty is the point. Maybe it's a getback for all of their resentments and the things they've held back. I've had so much bullshit projected onto me by people who think I'm just going to take it. I've given the benefit of the doubt. I've bent over backwards. Contorted myself in ways no human being should ever have to. But still, I don't regret it. Because I've still grown and I'm somehow still me. The little, misunderstood chubby queer kid who just wanted friends and for people to share and be honest with each other.

⋆⁺₊⋆ + ⋆⁺₊ ⋆ ☁︎

Set firm boundaries, set them early, but make sure they aren't walls. Choose your friends, and where your energy goes, wisely ♥︎

[mintypsii]

watched usopp's little arc with defeating sugar and wow it took A LOT for him to turn back after running away to fight them again. but then later he finds out that she's awake and thinks about how he'll lose his memories of Luffy if he doesn't take care of her again, and IMMEDIATELY makes up his mind to shoot her from SO FAR AWAY?

[teatitty]

Iruka is nearsighted but nobody would ever guess it because he simply navigates through life using echolocation/chakralocation sensor skills to make up for it. Every student he's ever taught is convinced he for real has eyes in the back of his head because it's damn near impossible to sneak up on him as a result [the only people who have ever succeeded are Kakashi and Kurenai, both able to completely mask their presence]

[bi-chimneyy]

okay everyone's (b*ddies) saying that Tommy 'clocked' Eddie but my interpretation was honestly more "Eddie can be straight but you could still have feelings for him" than anything. ig we'll see where it goes.

[cubtales]

[b-lessings]

To have someone so patient with you, so low-maintenance, someone whose existence feels like a light warm blanket or a feather caressing your heart, with no expectations no restraints no temper no gaslighting no guilt-tripping whatsoever no stressing you out, someone who is just there for you, always, standing in the corner of your chaotic life waiting for you patiently to sort out whatever you have on your hands and check in with them whenever you are ready, or free, or in the right headspace to do so, and never blaming you for the late replies or the unavailability.. just them being there, understanding as ever, empathetic, open, kind, is the most precious possession in your adult life.

Life is hard enough, please try to make it easier for your friends and loved ones, we're all doing our best 🤍.

[buckymorelikefuckme]

i have so many conflicting emotions rn and it’s honestly making it hard for me to want to stay on here anymore. i know i’ve left and come back before, like that’s not new for me, but i feel like i’m losing myself.

there’s so much pressure (mostly self-inflicted) to post as often as possible and to make these giant powerhouse fics like other writers do, and i just can’t do either of those things. that’s not where my “talent” lies. i don’t have fics where the characters are fully fleshed out people with personalities and lives and shit. i’m a one-and-done writer and i never used to think that was a bad thing until recently.

and on top of that, there are certain fics i’m not sure i’m comfortable reading anymore and that makes me feel like absolute shit bc i want to show support to my fellow writers, but there are some fics with particular content within them that can be slightly (or fully) triggering for me. i’ve tried to just soldier through them in the name of support, but it’s really taking a toll on me, mentally and emotionally.

all of this along with real life (as in, outside of this app) stresses and anxieties i’m having to deal with and coddle until things get back to normal for me.

it feels like nothing is going well in every aspect of my life right now and i’m really fighting the impulse to disappear off of social media for the umpteenth time. i’ve made too many amazing friends for me to just dip like that again. literally, y’all (friends and followers) are the one reason i haven’t already left this time.

idk what the purpose of this post was tbh. an update??? i guess? and also maybe a little bit of insight or something. i don’t fuckin know. but i do wanna say that i love each and every one of you so much and i wish i was better at being a person.