#nccsa mention

[plural-affirmations]

Here's to those who have had self-inflicted trauma.

Many, many traumatized individuals end up feeling like they are partly or completely to blame for their trauma. Regardless of reason, you are not responsible. Even if it was something you did to yourself or others, I firmly believe you were a victim of circumstance; genetic factors, predisposition, lack of knowing it was dangerous, adult influence, etc... there were things out of your control. So, today? We're here to appreciate you.

Shoutout to those who:

Went through SA, CSA, COCSA, and/or NCCSA

Were forced to do traumatizing acts to another child/person

Had/have an eating disorder

Had/have an addiction, even the "mild" or "uncommon" ones

Experienced self-harm or suicide attempts

Otherwise had a near-death experience

Were hospitalized for their mental health

And anyone else who just feels like it's their fault. Because I promise, it isn't.

It's going to be ok. I know how hard things can get. I've had my own run-ins with crises before, but... the important thing is that you're here. You have so, so much value and brightness inside you. I don't want you to think you have to take drastic measures to feel better. Because, you didn't get to write the beginning of your story... but you can definitely write the rest. And I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Please stick around, ok?

🖤💜💙💚💛

[csaventing]

Sometimes I convince myself it didn’t really traumatize me, it was all online, it wasn’t that bad, and then I have a string of panic attacks for over three hours because I thought about it a little too hard.

So relateable.

[sheloveshersunglassesafterdark]

When u have a major emotional connection to lyrics written and or sung by a literal convicted sex criminal

[eternentity]

the only reason ive ever been wanted is cause i was a kid

and i don’t have that anymore

[survivingcocsa]

COCSA / CSA TW ahead

this is a side vent blog for my COCSA and CSA trauma I endured since I was a child. I was S. abused by both adults and other minors.

u can send vent asks anon or not up to u. vent about ur trauma relating to one of the following: cocsa, csa, csem, online nccsa, nccsa, nccocsa. if u dont know what the terms mean u can ask me or look them up in the tags usually only work with a "tw" or "cw" before or after the word.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw nccsa/online csa

im seeking advice and maybe reassurance/validation about a situation I'm not sure how to proceed with

when I was a younger teenager, I had a friend who was several years and grades above me who had inappropriate boundaries with me

We would talk pretty in-depth about sex, make sexual jokes and softcore NSFW content for each other/discuss it. this also extended to stuff like rape and conversations about that and pedophilia, to weirdly casual points (dropping a mention about rape/non-consensual sex and borderline roleplaying those scenarios wasn't uncommon). we also met through someone who explicitly groomed me and who was way older than me, and they never spoke out on this dynamic /our age difference ever despite being a "good older friend"

After 2 years of this, I realized i had inappropriate views on sex and sexual boundaries and these conversations stopped. we talked maybe once about how it was weird/they gave one apology, and then we never brought it up again

My issue is i no longer understand how to deal with our.... relationship, at all. Their apology was only prompted because a mutual friends of our brought it up. nothing has happened since, but i feel really awkward and tense around him. We've never really talked about it in-detail. i don't want to stop being friends, but i also don't want to keep being friends, and have had flashbacks while in conversations

I also don't know if i'm way overplaying our relationship and how/if anything we discussed was inappropriate for our age diff at all. help

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

It's tough when power imbalances exist in unhealthy or abusive relationships, even if they are not strictly romantic. Age gaps can exacerbate these imbalances, as the perpetrator often holds an advantage over the victim. Respecting boundaries becomes even more crucial as people get older, and it's disheartening that it seems he has not taken full accountability for his actions.

It's completely understandable that you feel awkward and tense around him, considering everything he has done and his lack of full accountability. Deciding what to do about the relationship can be incredibly complex. Please know that your well-being should always be your number one priority, including your mental health. If being in contact with him continues to be distressing, particularly causing flashbacks, it's important to consider whether maintaining the friendship is truly beneficial for you.

You deserve full autonomy in making decisions about this friendship. It's completely within your rights to choose what feels best for your healing and growth. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[agirldying]

TW for medical trauma, brief mention of NCCSA

heyyy this is a follow up to the asker who was in the ED for a possible stroke (wasn’t a stroke but that was the main headline)— you can call me izzy

so first thing, good news!! I have an MRI scheduled for the 9th, they gave me anxiety meds too, so I should be alright when I go in :) very excited to see what’s up

second thing, my roommate and I got into a huge fight over what happened the night of my ER visit. When I got home from the ER, I had been there for 8 hours and I was flushed full of drugs that made me super sleepy- he hadn’t rlly contacted me while I was there, even tho I’d made an effort to reach out to him.. but when I came in I was like “hey man I’m so tired and out of it, I need to sleep now, can I please turn off the light”

and he was like “..uhhh no sorry I have work to do”,,, so that. made me feel kinda crappy cause I couldn’t even have the light on. I brought it up a few weeks later cause I still felt pretty crummy abt it, and I told him it made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter to him. he listened to me and then went “okay” and walked away

And that rlly bugged me too???? because like he didn’t even say anything he just left. So I called him back in and was like “hey man what the heck,” and from there he told me that he was thinking abt himself, he had work to do, and that he wasn’t my close friend or partner so I shouldn’t have expected him to drop everything to see me in the ER (which I wasn’t expecting)

I told him that he could’ve done his work earlier on but he chose to hang out with his friends. he didn’t like that and I realize now it was rude to insult him like that— he’s allowed to have a social life

but after that discussion he went to our mutual friend and described the situation— and to him (the friend) I was “being sensitive” and I could’ve just worn a sleep mask,,, but that friend also didn’t know I was there for 8 hours, and once he found that out he thought my roommate was being a dick

anyway. yeah. that’s everything. I should also note that my roommate hasn’t been the kindest to me- when I opened up abt my grooming trauma, he was like “oh I’ve never been groomed before idk what that’s like, I just stuck around people I knew”, and he also basically implied that if I want a relationship in college I need to settle for one night stands and nothing else,,,, also tried to drown a girl in middle school and was openly fucking with a guy who was in a relationship so IDK if he’s the best source of information

but yeah basically. Am I the asshole AJDJDJ was I being rude???? Cause now he won’t talk to me and he removed me from his spam Instagram so 😭😭

Hi izzy,

For some reason I can't find the ask you're referring to, but that's okay.

Congrats on the good news, I hope both the MRI and the anxiety meds have good results.

Honestly I'm having a hard time telling who's in the wrong in that situation. I think It's a fair request to ask to turn out the light, especially after the day you had, but of course your roommate had things to do that required the light stay on. I think that while turning the light off would've been the kind and thoughtful thing for your roommate to do, I think it's also fair for them to keep the light on especially if they need it for work. It's sort of like a boundary clash. I can definitely see how that made you feel perhaps like you didn't matter.

That being said, your roommate sounds rude and insensitive, especially based off the other details you mentioned about him. It doesn't sound like you were rude at any point really, so I would say NTA.

If I'm going to be very honest I think it may be time for a new roommate because you don't deserve to feel tense or unwelcome in your own... abode, you know?

Hope you're doing alright. Please let me know if you need anything.

[ed-journals]

kat - 24 - they/she - osfed - bdd - victim of nccsa

tw: food, ed stuff, restriction, sh, csam/csem mentions and venting

if you want anything tagged please tell me

please do not interact if you're a minor

following from @mama-****

[anti-endo-haven]

(tw nccsa) We saw the post about nccsa and googled it because we didn't know what it meant. All I can say is that we were very shocked to find out what the body's dad did to us has a name. -✨ (we didn't see this sign off on the list, if it is and we have taken it we are very sorry)

Yeah… it’s good knowing that there’s a name for something but it also hurts when you can find it out as well.

I hope everything is going well for you.

The sign off is free. I’ve stopped adding to the list and I’ll be going through all posts to get sign offs. I know I’ve missed a few.

[csaventing]

Going through old chats where you were being abused is really… indescribably painful. But I could set boundaries and I did. They just weren’t respected at all, ever. No wonder I stopped setting boundaries after that and all that fell down to 0. I hate my history and what has happened to me.

[sheloveshersunglassesafterdark]

I might not have been extensively physically abused, but I was exposed to CP and Zoosadist content first hand by actual perverts as a kid.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw

It's been years and I (f19) still can't talk or think about it for longer times without shaking. I've told quite a few peopleby now and sharing feels good but I wish I could take it back. I hate that I no longer have control about my memories once I've shared them. I am already shaking rn and I want to get over it. I feel my gaze kind of zonig out? Like my pupils are focused on a point that doesn't necessarily exist and everything else fades. People walk behind me or I make eye contact with someone and I suddenly hyperfocus on everything around me, I guess I'd call it episodic hypervigilance but I think that's a ptsd term and I don't want to take that away from them? Like how people use trigger so liberally, I don't want to contribute to taking terms and estranging them from their meaning.

I feel so guilty for constantly thinking people will hurt me if they hug me for a second too long or comment on my outfit or sth. In addition, I've found myself in a fwb situation 1.5 years ago (we were 17 and 19 back then which is legal) where she choked me without asking before. Which was fine because I probably mentioned that I was into that in casual convo before and we were drunk but I was so confused that she didn't ask. I was into it but it bothered me. And after that, I just needed proof that she wanted to assault me. Which isn't fair to her. Like, she wanted to try sth once and I said no and then we had sex later and she asked again while we were having sex and in that situation I couldn't bring myself to refuse. During sex eye contact and talking is difficult for me but I haven't explicitly communicated that to her. She would have definitely accepted a no btw. And I just found myself getting rly drunk on purpose to see if she would have sex with me anyway etc. and it's so messed up and I feel awful for it. There was also another time I explicitlysaid I wasn'tgoing to have sex with her that day and she tried to initiate it like two times anyway and I very clearly said no. After that she got it and I even teased her back because a part of me wanted her to try again, to hurt me and ignore my boundaries I ended the fwb thing eventually and didn't have sex since then, not even with my bf. I kinda think I don't want to? And I definitely don't want to be cruel by just thinking they're going to hurt me. I feel awful. She didn't do anything wrong, I'm so unfair.

Things have been better until recently. I'm trying so hard to just get over it. I go weeks without really thinking about it and then suddenly I remember when I was 15 and he 22 and we talked about moving in together once I start Uni. And I wonder how things would have been if I had stated with him. Sometimes I want to text him but it's gotten a lot better & less frequent. I'm still shaking.

I have had so many nightmares that I don't wake up anymore. I usually don't remember them. When I dream journal or sth I start remembering my dreams and usually they at least have bad elements and have included sa a lot, including me sa'ing other people younger than me and I hate myself for it even if I know it's just my fear.

I haven't had those in like two years though which is amazing. Atm I never remember my dreams and I'm so glad because I don't want to but I'm also so curious?

My memory too. It is foggy and I want to know what happened to me in more detail. But this is getting way too long, sorry :( I guess I'm worried I'm an awful person and I'd just like to be okay again and idk what to do. I feel like I'm too hurt considering it was nccsa and digital. I simultaneously feel like I'm not hurt enough because I have no trauma disorders or sth so maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Trauma is confusing and I hate it.

Hello,

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of trauma responses. Dissociation, hypervigilance, toxic shame, difficulty communicating, body memories and relationship difficulties are all related to trauma responses.

Whether your psychiatrist/therapist/social worker diagnosed you with them or not. Not meeting the criteria for PTSD doesn't mean no trauma responses are happening. Personally, I might look for a provider who is more trauma-informed if this is something possible for you who might still work on your trauma story even if you don't meet PTSD criteria.

The idea that sharing the specifics of your trauma always makes you feel better is false. Being unable to talk about it without activation and feeling stressed is perfectly normal. And you can't make yourself feel it or not, it's a sign that you are having body memories.

Our bodies will react to the talking about the abuse and cause you to have things like shaking, having a dissociative response (vision changes), and yes hypervigilance. Hypervigilance doesn't only happen if you meet PTSD criteria and it very much sounds like that is what you could be experiencing. No one owns terms like dissociation, triggered or hypervigilance. Using terms incorrectly and or as a joke is when it hurts survivors and you are not doing that so you are not taking anything from anyone.

Someone choking you sexually, without explicit ongoing consent is assault. Talking about something outside of the situation and causally is not consent. Liking a sexual act when it's consented to do and talked about before, but not when it wasn't agreed to thoroughly makes sense. 

Many kink communities wouldn't even have been fine with you being there because you were seventeen. This situation was not you distrusting someone for no reason. What she did is wrong.

It also sounds like there were barriers to you fully enjoying the act, which makes sense in the context of having past sexual trauma and it sounds like you haven't fully talked through what is and isn't wanted in sexual situations. And you struggling with that makes sense, yes it can be good to talk but you're not at fault for having trauma responses during sexual acts.

I understand that things were somewhat better between you, but it does sound like you were not acting healthy. Getting drunk to try and pursue sex is definitely unhealthy behaviour, trying testing people to see what they will do is definitely harmful. It is something to be aware of and trying to get better is important. However, it doesn't make you a bad person as you are working to be better. 

Her trying to convince you to have sex after an explicit no, even if it was "only" two times is not good behaviour. I understand there was some trauma playing up and feeling like you need to be/deserve to be hurt. Her behaviour isn't then okay and you were having trauma responses. 

You are not being unfair, you were hurt in this relationship and being upset about that is normal.

Having memory issues and nightmares are both classic trauma responses. Dissociation can affect memory recall during trauma and nightmares about trauma or trauma-related content are common experiences for trauma survivors. Not being sure if you wished you remembered or not is a very common abuse survivor experience. 

Wondering what would have happened if you had taken other actions is just something common to people in general. That doesn't mean anything other than you're a person.

You can't brute force yourself better. I'm glad you have had periods of being less affected! Working on handling your trauma and working through these hard emotions can move forward to not have these episodes of worse trauma responses as well.

You are not a bad person, your pain is valid, and you deserve help and people to hold your story.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[brxken-and-jagged-edges]

Just found out a couple lana del rey songs trigger my csa trauma so I got that going for me ✌️

[sickly-honeylamb]

♡ Esther, Bunny or Dolly

♡ kyu/kyu/kyu's/kyuself, xe/xer/xers/xerself

♡ minor (15+)

♡ this is a vent block, so massive TW for ED, CPTSD, NCCSA, traumacore, SH and toxic family vents

♡ i'm a regressor, so there might be mentions of being a kid and stuff related

♡ always happy to talk

───────•••───────

DNI: k1nk/nsfw, (NO)MAP/PEAR/p3d0 (eo), t(w)erf/swerf/blerf/radfem, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-MOGAI, anti-BLM, anti-endo/sysmed, pro-ship, m3ansp0 (eo)/encourage ED - coping blogs are fine 💖, s3xual!z3 (eie) regression/trauma/ed/mental illness, blank blogs and blogs without DNIs (sorry, it makes me uncomfortable)