#need some fluffy stuff to balance out the angst

[star-girl69]

Your Girl

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!Demigod!Reader

—-

synopsis: late at night, you and clarisse get to know one another.

a/n: ykw i dont even know what i write anymore just enjoy it i truly just listen to the wind oh my god

Your Girl - Lana Del Rey (Unreleased)

warnings: im sorry im obsessed w the nightmare trope, friends to lovers MEYOW, HURT COMFORT, clarisse just wants to KISS, light tension, very light and fluffy tho…. not a lot of angst tbh, POSSESSIVE CLARISSE I SCREAMED, mutual pining YESSSSS, they’re in love but they don’t think the other could be in love w them, clarisse knows what she wants and sets out to get it, monsters- again it’s a drakon bc i’m evil, mentions of death, swearing, mentions of weapons, weed and smoking, substance abuse idk if it’s addiction my health teacher would be so disappointed, shotgunning weed, idk what’s happening honestly we’re all along for the ride, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

You don’t know where Clarisse gets it from, but she has good weed.

They’re these perfectly little rolled blunts, with some sort of amazing concoction inside- you can’t even be bothered to care that it’s bad for you. Not when it makes you feel so good, not when it makes everything else fade away.

So, that’s why you’re here now. Sitting in the woods, leaning against a rock covered in moss, staring up at the stars. Sometimes you talk, sometimes you’re just here next to each other. But tonight, you think you took one too many hits, so you’re feeling a little sentimental.

“I would fucking die without you, Clarisse.”

She snorts. “Yeah, probably.”

“No, no, not just like- because you’re so strong, and stuff, but because of this fucking weed. I can’t sleep without it, y’know.”

She hums.

“And, like, you need sleep to live, or else your brain will like eat itself, or something ridiculous. Did you know that?”

She looks at you, mouth curved into an unimpressed smile, eyebrows raised. “I didn’t, and I care so much. Thanks for telling me, leech.”

“That’s mean,” you huff.

“Then stop leeching off of me and stealing my weed.”

Clarisse always looks so pretty in the moonlight. You would never admit that to anyone, but in the dark when your head is all hazy- you know she’s pretty. She’s beautiful, if you’re being honest, but she’s also your dealer- you can’t risk upsetting her. But still, sometimes you’re not sure how she isn’t a daughter of Aphrodite.

But you know better than anyone else that she gets everything from Ares, like she’s a carbon copy of him.

She gets her precision, her strength, her tactical mind, her rolling storm of emotions from him.

Except, there’s a softness in her. Only here, in the moonlight. You don’t know if it’s you or the weed, but you like to think it’s you. You like to think that Clarisse likes you as much as you like her, not just tolerates you for your mediocre company.

She’s sitting with one foot planted onto the ground, hair pulled back all messy, her arm balancing on her knee. The joint is held out conveniently towards you, lazily in between her fingers, so you flip yourself onto your stomach and reach out with open lips.

She smiles and flips the joint around, placing it onto your lips. Your close your eyes and your mouth, breathing in deeply. Gods, does it taste horrible, but you love it too much.

You pull back and breathe out the smoke.

“You love me, and my weed-stealing tendencies.”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” she rolls her eyes.

—-

Clarisse probably trains more than any other demigod at camp. Thirty minutes after dinner, like clockwork, you can find her heading to the field where all the sparring dummies live.

Clarisse is probably your only true friend at camp. You stick to yourself for the most part, hang out with your siblings, but besides for that it’s Clarisse. And she’s the same way. She hangs out with her siblings, and then you. Of course- everyone at Camp knows her name and her ruthless reputation.

You’re unknown, she’s known. She’s the best fighter you’ve ever seen, you’re mediocre, compared to her. She helps you at every turn, you’re the one getting helped by her. She’s mean to everyone, and you’re kind to whoever happens upon you.

You force each other to bring out the other sides of yourself no one gets to see. Clarisse gets to be soft, you get to be loud and annoying. You’re friends, but you both get something out of it.

She’s your friend, your dealer, your savior.

If the first day you came to camp, running through the woods with a drakon hot on your heels and your mouth split open into a scream- maybe Clarisse and her siblings wouldn’t have turned around and noticed the drakon.

Of course, Clarisse was the one who actually killed it, and she was the one who hoisted you up from where you had collapsed, breathing heavily. She was the one who actually made sure you weren’t hurt while your satyr protector panicked about having to face the Cloven Council.

She was the one who found you in the middle of the night, that drakon hissing in your ear, she was the one who gave you the claw she had pried from it’s dead body, she was the one who told you it was dead and nothing could hurt you in Camp.

“Clarisse!” you call, running towards her. Most campers like to wind down after dinner, so the field is empty.

“Leech,” she says when you reach her, leaning her spear against a dummy and stretching her arms above her head.

You always come everyday. You ask her the same question.

“Do you have it?”

She digs under her armor, pulling out the small cloth containing the blunt. “You would probably go insane if I didn’t.”

You feel calmer just looking at it. You smile sheepishly up at her.

“You know I can’t sleep without it, Clarisse.”

She looks away, stuffing it back under her armor, against her stomach.

“Maybe you should try and skip one night.”

You scoff. “I don’t feel like pulling an all-nighter, Clarisse.”

She nods, but her face is riddled with concern. “Okay, angel,” she mutters, so low you can barely hear it. But you do. You hear her call you angel, and you turn away instead of slamming your lips into hers.

—-

After that first night, you slept with that claw tight into your hand. And it was fine. You still had the occasional nightmare, but every demigod had those. But the older you got, the more monsters you learned about, the more comfortable you got with being a demigod- the more the nightmares came. Knowing the drakon was dead didn’t help, and the nightmares got worse and worse until Clarisse found you again one night.

You had drifted apart from her. She had her life and you had hers, but ever since you’ve been bonded by the nights.

She wrapped her arms around you and let you cry, mumbling about how she was the strongest demigod at camp, and there was the barrier, and nothing would ever get through to you.

She was soft in that moment. And you could tell she regretted it, because she ignored you for the next few days until one of her siblings pushed you to the ground. She appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his shirt, yelling that if he ever touched you again, she’d fucking kill him.

While he sputtered and asked why she cared about some stupid weak girl, she helped you up and said: “She’s my girl.”

And since that day 3 months ago, you’ve always been her girl. Neither of you really knew what that meant, except you liked being around each other and you liked this transaction. Clarisse liked owning something. You liked belonging to someone.

That’s what this entire friendship is about- convenience.

So, that’s why Clarisse being concerned about you makes you feel weird. You care about Clarisse, she cares about you- but only enough that she doesn’t want to see you hurt by someone else. But who is she to stop you when you’re the one hurting yourself?

You arrive at the rock in the forest, fingers twisting together. Clarisse is already there, lighter and blunt set out on the ground, polishing her spear.

“Hey,” she says, looking down.

“Hi.”

You sit down, eager to get your hands on the weed and forget about the way Clarisse’s concern confuses you.

You stare at your shaking hand.

Gods, are you really that nervous?

Clarisse’s eyes are sharp, she notices everything, she processes it much faster than you can ever dream to. It’s why she’s so quick in battle. She’s a well oiled machine and you’re the one job she’s assigned to do- she knows you by heart after all these nights.

Her spear is pushed off her lap. “Why are you shaking?” she says, voice low and raspy, her hand cupping yours.

“Low blood sugar,” you lie. “I’ll grab a snack before I go to bed.”

She says nothing, but you watch her hesitate as she grabs the blunt and the lighter from the ground, you watch her hesitate again as she goes to light it. But she lights it, she sticks it in between her fingers and holds it out to you.

“C’mere,” she mutters, and you lean forward and let her place the blunt on your parted lips. You breathe in, only for a few seconds, and you could go for a lot longer.

“I wasn’t done,” you huff as she takes her own drag.

“My weed,” she shrugs. “I decide how much you get.”

“You’re a bitch.”

She laughs. She laughs and it makes your stomach twist in such a good way you can’t feel like this anymore, you can’t remember what she does to you, what she called you.

You reach out blindly for the blunt, biting your lip as you practically climb on top of her.

“Clarisse!” you yell, but she seems to find your desperation hilarious, holding the blunt out as far as she can. “I fucking hate you, oh my Gods.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” she says, pushing you off of her. You realize you’re laying on your stomach in between her legs, one hand planted to the ground around her leg, the other reaching out.

She leans back and takes another drag. You roll your eyes and move to attack her, but she’s too fast, sitting up and holding your hand down, her other hand grabbing your chin. She breathes out the smoke right into your lips that are parted in shock, smiling as you stare right into her amused eyes.

She leans back while you sit there stupidly on top of her, blowing out the smoke. “That- that’s- I hate you, did I mention that?”

“You did,” she muses. “But we both know you’re lying.”

You look at her, at her wide smile, at the look in her eyes. You want nothing more than to be her girl- her girl in the way that she’ll kiss your head, tell you about all the things you’ll never do, she’ll lay down with you in a bed of soft pillows. Her girl in the way the reason she’s soft in the moonlight isn’t the weed, it’s because of you. Her girl in the way you can run to her, the way you do now, but with the added connotation of love.

You grab the joint, and she lets you, watching intently as you breathe in and blow out the smoke. She has no right to be worried over you. Not when you’re the one making the choice to waste away your youth. And especially when you’re not her girl- not in the way you want to be.

—-

“I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come,” she hums.

You sit back against the rock. Normally, you would have been here 20 minutes ago.

You didn’t catch her after dinner, and you stayed firmly in your bed until it all got to be too much. You’re terrified of sleeping, of the nightmares that will come- but for some reason, the weed just puts you at such ease that you don’t have any nightmares.

You didn’t want to be near Clarisse tonight. Not after yesterday, not after the way she’s been making you feel, and the fact that you know she could never really like you. Why would she? You are the stupid weak girl who gets pushed over. You run from drakon’s and can’t even sleep because of nightmares.

Clarisse is fiercely protective of those she loves, but you’re too much work.

You wanted to go one night. One night without the weed, and prove to her and yourself that you don’t need it. You’re not that weak.

But you couldn’t.

You sit down, she looks at your tense shoulders and doesn’t tease you, just hands you the blunt. You mumble something of a thank you, looking up at the stars, shoulders relaxing after a few more breaths.

“I, uh, I tried to skip. Tonight, I mean. I tried not to come.” It’s embarrassing to admit this. You’re so scared of the nightmares that even if it’s a placebo effect, you come back to this clearing every night.

“But you couldn’t?” she asks.

“I couldn’t,” you affirm, staring at the ground.

“Well, you can’t just go cold turkey, dummy. You have to wean yourself off of it. Do you not remember, like, any of those nicotine patch ads?” she laughs. “You’ve got a good memory, you remember.”

“Shut up, meanie,” you mumble, raising the joint to your lips. She stops you.

“Ah-ah. Starts now. Make it a good one, ‘cause that’s your last, baby.”

“Fine,” you mumble, ignoring the butterflies in your stomach. You breathe in for a long time, tempted to go a little longer, but Clarisse reaches over and pinches your cheek. “Okay!” you yell, throwing the joint back to her.

She laughs and raises it to her own lips, taking in another long drag before putting it out.

You look at her, silent question in the air. She shrugs.

“Been meaning to slow down for a while, why not do it together?”

“Yeah,” you hum, looking back towards the stars. “Oh, hey, Ares is out tonight.” She looks over.

“Yeah,” she muses. “Fuckin’ Ares.”

“It’s still beautiful,” you say, stars in your eyes. “You have to think about it the way mortals do. They don’t know the Gods put them up there- they think it’s just some random spotting of stars, they think they made patterns out of it. Isn’t that beautiful? To make patterns and people out of stars? To look for humanity where there is none?”

“I never thought about it like that,” Clarisse says.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” you ask. You can feel her eyes on you.

“Yeah,” she affirms. “Beautiful.”

—-

The next two weeks goes by the same. You don’t catch Clarisse after dinner, but you come every night, you smoke a little less, she teases you and gets closer to you. She gets bolder and bolder and you get shyer and shyer.

You still feel like too much. If she just lets you prove this to her and to yourself, the maybe you can lean against the rock with her and flirt back.

—-

You meet Clarisse by the rock. She’s still standing, waiting for you. She takes the last of the blunt you’ve been using for the last few days and lights it, taking one small drag before she flips it around and holds it out to you.

“C’mon,” she guides. “Not too much, I’ll stop you.”

You feel kind of like a baby as Clarisse puts the joint on her lips, fingertips against your face to steady her hand. You breathe in for just a second, tempted for more, but she takes it away. You look up at her, fingers twisted together.

“Clarisse, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

She leaves the blunt to blow out in the wind in the natural dip of the rock, your own little ashtray at the top. Of course, Clarisse will come and collect it the next morning- you don’t want to upset the nymphs and satyrs in the forest.

“It’s a good idea,” she affirms. “Don’t worry, okay?”

You’re scared. You remember being chased by the drakon even now, you remember it’s snarls, you remember it’s claws moving through the air. You remember your heart pumping in your ears, you remember the stones in your stomach that were supposed to be fear.

You feel like Kronos, but what you swallowed wouldn’t just sit idly inside of you- no, your fear would rip through your stomach and your skin and burst out of you in an explosion of blood, like some sick joke of a firework.

She grabs your wrists. Clarisse is soft, here, in the moonlight.

“Hey, it’s okay. I-I was thinking, I didn’t know if you were gonna be okay, but why don’t you sleep in my cabin?”

You shift on your feet. “Clar, no, I can’t ask you to do that. What if we get caught? And I-I- it’s embarrassing, what if your siblings see? What if they tell everyone?”

Clarisse rolls her eyes and tugs you closer from where you had subconsciously started to drift away.

“They already think we’re dating, anyways. Besides, Y/N, no one cares. Most of my siblings have secrets anyways,” she smiles.

“Wh- we’re dating? They think- why?”

Her face is deadpan. “‘Cause you’re my girl.”

You pull back. “Clarisse.”

“What?” she says, slightly incredulous. “You are. You’re about the only person I can tolerate at this camp. I hope you know that. I know I can be horrible, but really, I… care about you a lot.”

You look in her eyes. There’s no lies, no insincerity.

“I know, Clarisse. And I… I appreciate it so much. You’re, like, my only friend,” you smile.

She smiles back but it’s tight. “Friend, yeah.”

You put your arms around her neck and hug her. It’s the first time you’ve ever really hugged her, and her arms wrap tight around your waist. Her mouth presses against your hair. You let yourself be her girl in this moment.

Clarisse is your best friend. She cares about you. Of course she helps you with this. She’s your best friend. Of course you let her.

—-

You do follow Clarisse back to the Ares cabin, back to her bed- and she points to one of her siblings you can’t see in the dark, but there are two figures in the bed. She smiles and you stifle a laugh.

You know better than anyone else that big bad Ares kids are like a marshmallow on the inside. They act all tough, and they are pretty tough, but there’s a soft spot inside of them only unlocked by one person with the right key.

You notice her sibling has their arm around the other person. You wonder if Clarisse will wrap her arm around you like that too.

Clarisse climbs into her bed, opening the covers for you. The beds at Camp are twin sized, but you can fit two people on them if you’re close together. You don’t hesitate, not anymore, not when you have one chance to pretend you’re really hers.

You lay on your side, facing her, hands tucked up by your chest. Her eyes meet yours, she brushes her curls out of her face.

“Good?” she asks. You nod, breathing out.

“‘M fine,” you say.

She rubs your arm, cold from the dark night. “Just relax, okay? Just close your eyes, Y/N.”

You do, you close your eyes, but you’re so fucking terrified you can’t.

“Clarisse,” you breathe, a plead. For what, you don’t know. You want a million things from her in this moment. It’s not fair of you to ask her, you know this, but it doesn’t stop you from asking.

Your breath comes fast, your nails dig into your palms, but you keep your eyes screwed shut like sleep will just magically hit you like a train.

“It’s okay,” Clarisse says, firm. “Why are you so scared?” she whispers.

“They’re so real,” you whisper, your voice breaking.

“They’re not.”

She wraps her arms around you so tight you feel like she’s crushing you. But it keeps you in the moment. If you focus on the way her skin feels against yours, on the way her thumb brushes your shoulder blade, her fingertips scratching the back of your scalp.

If you focus, if you imagine all the thing you and her will never do, if you imagine being her girl, then you can fall asleep.

You dream of her lips pressing against your head, her voice in your ear, calling you her angel.

—-

You wake up, Clarisse still wrapped around you, and slowly detangle yourself. Drool pools at the corner of her lips, and you have to bite back a giggle as you slip out of the blankets and into the warm riding sun.

She looks just as pretty in the sunlight as she does in the moonlight. You feel like a lover slipping out of a bed of secrets. But you’re not. You’re just a friend slipping out of a bed of rumors.

She looks so peaceful, you can’t help but wonder if she always sleeps like this- or if having you next to her had the same effect on her sleep as it did to yours.

—-

There’s a loud knock at your cabin door.

There’s only you and a few of your siblings in here, putting the final touches on their outfits for the day, grabbing the last items they need. One of your younger siblings open the door, and you look around the pillars- maybe it’s a counselor doing some sort of inspection? You take a glance around your bunk- but it’s all clean.

Your eyes meet hers.

“Out,” she says, roughly. She looks at you so intently you almost wonder if she’s talking to you. But when you siblings stand there in shock, she looks away. “Well? I said get out, dummies.”

They exchange looks with you, but eventually shuffle out, not wanting to risk Clarisse and her wrath.

She shuts the door behind your last sibling.

“Being tough has it perks, huh?” she smiles, leaning against the door. Your shirt isn’t even pulled on properly, one of your bra straps is already falling down your shoulder from the act of putting your shirt on, and you’re staring at her with your mouth wide open.

She looks you up and down.

“C-Clarisse, what-?”

She walks over to you, frown etched onto her face.

“I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Oh,” you say. “I… I thought you would have wanted me gone-”

“Don’t care. If you’re going to sleep with me then you need to wake me up and tell me you’re leaving.”

She rolls her eyes at your confusion. She sits on your bed and then gestures animatedly for you to sit down.

“Did you not sleep well?” she fusses. “What’s up with you this morning?”

“I slept great, Clarisse, it’s just- why are you here?”

“To tell you that you can’t leave,” she deadpans. “I mean, you spend all night shaking in my arms, terrified, and then I wake up and you’re not there? I almost killed someone. You’re lucky I decided to check here first, Y/N.”

She laughs. She laughs like it’s so funny.

“Why?” you ask.

“‘Cause you’re my girl,” she shrugs. “And-”

“Clarisse, what does that mean?”

You know what you want. And you’re not dumb, but you’re the only friend Clarisse really has- what did you have to compare it to? You’ve been thinking about it in your head, rolling it around like a diamond- each side reflects something you want from her. Her love, her protection, her touch, her time, her.

She plays with her fingers. “It means… I like touching you. I like protecting you. I like being near you. I like your voice and your face.”

She stares at you blankly, like she’s recounting a grocery list, waiting for an affirmative “yes, I heard you.” But all you can do is stare in shock, trying to make your brain catch up with your heart- Clarisse likes your face. Clarisse feels the same way you do. You can be her girl, and you’re not too much for her, you’re not just friends.

“Oh, fuck it,” she mumbles. She places her hand on your face and pecks your lips. “That’s what it means, okay? I’m, like, embarrassingly in love with you, if you haven’t noticed.”

Clarisse is so blunt and forward it makes your head spin.

She stares into your eyes, searching them for something other than shock and confusion.

“Okay,” she says. Shuffling back. You can tell she’s hurt and embarrassed, but her face reveals nothing other than faux confidence and indifference. “I’ll go, I guess-”

“Bitch,” you mumble, slamming your lips onto hers.

It feels so overwhelmingly right and fills you with such a calmness that weed could never compare to. If you were dependent on the joints, then one taste and you’re addicted to Clarisse. She kisses you back with just as much ferocity, throwing your arms around her neck, trying to swallow you whole with her mouth as she grabs your neck with one hand, your face with the other.

It’s months of tension and wanting, lips touching through the passing of a joint, all of it coming down to this moment that feels so bad, so sinful- surely the Gods must frown upon loving someone this much. You would never pray to any of them again if it meant Clarisse would keep kissing you like this.

When she finally pulls back, you’re both smiling wide, leaning into her palm, hands playing with the curls at the base of her neck. You feel like a giddy school girl. You feel like a lover discovering something wildly new and unknown, promising to keep it secret, sealing it with a kiss of pure fire.

“That was such a mean way to confess to someone,” you say. “Just bitchy. Brass and blunt- harsh, even.”

“Shut up,” she mumbles, pressing her face against yours.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I know you’re a big softie who drools in her sleep.” She pulls away and glares at you.

���I don’t fucking drool, Y/N. You’re seeing things.”

You fake frown, bringing her closer to you. “Such a horrible thing to say to your girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend?” she breathes, swollen lips parting like she’s aching to kiss you again.

“Your girlfriend,” you affirm, staring straight into her eyes.

You sunk more into becoming a demigod and all it got you was nightmares and a fear of sleeping. But the more you sunk into being her girl, the more you sunk into loving her and being loved.

You don’t know where Clarisse gets her softness from. Certainly not from her father. She didn’t learn to kiss your head from him. She didn’t learn how to hold you, how to call you hers, how to whisper in your ear from Ares.

You don’t know where Clarisse gets her softness from, but it’s good.

—-

SHOUTOUT TO clarisse “cause you’re my girl” la rue LOVE YOUR POSSESSIVE ASS!!!!!!!!

—-

clarisse when y/n smokes weed: oh so pretty……

clarisse when y/n can only fall asleep bc of her arms or her weed: my girl fr……..

clarisse when y/n: oh my wonderful perfect angel

—-

y/n: BITCH

clarisse: YOURE SO HOT FUCK

—-

where did clarisse get her weed from you may ask? me that’s where she got it from i ripped through the fabric of reality to give it to her to make this happen actually and you’re welcome

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish

@sincerely-silk

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Hermitcraft / Life Series Fic Recs

Because I love so many of them...

I'll split the fics into completed and updating fics, and try to only recommend currently updating fics (i.e., not abandoned). I'm going to write a little about why I like each fic and what the general vibes are - so this is also a kind of review I guess?

I've tried to @ the authors if they have a public tumblr. Sorry to anyone who didn't want to be tagged, I can remove any @ if you ask (or if I have embarrassingly tagged the wrong person). Anyway, enjoy, and I appreciate reblogs because I want as many people to see these fics as possible!!

This ended up being incredibly long so I'm putting a divider here. Click to keep reading!!! Also, fair warning: shipping ahead! Some fics will have mild sexual content, please read the tags if you are unsure <3

Updating Fics

I have already recommended Help Me To Breathe, lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart), and There Are Monsters Nearby in this post, so I won't explain why I like them a second time, but definitely check them out!!

Death's A Good Gig by @mawofthemagnetar is probably going to be finished by the time this post gets to you, reader, but I'm putting it here anyway. It's short and sweet, one of my favourite representations of Zedaph (or, Zedeath) I've read, and just a joy to experience. If you like grim reapers and discussions of unions, this one is for you. Also I need more Zedaph in my life.

Look, I'm Sorry, Please Stop Scaring Everyone by @cat-in-the-desert reminds me a lot of a particular TV drama I liked when I was younger, which followed a similar premise. This fic follows Mumbo (vampire) and Grian (ghost) as they get up to various housemate shenanigans and meet their local magic-expert and salesman Scar. This fic is fun, but still includes a nice amount of Feelings and hinted-at Angst which I really love. It's lighthearted, but never boring.

It Hurts To Hope by Inquillitory is my favourite of the "Grian crash lands into Hermitcraft and causes problems for everyone" genre. Seeing how many fics there are with that premise, I think that says a lot. It handles Grian's weird Watcher stuff really well. Honestly, I just want to know what happens next!

killing the boy in the tv by @raspberrystruck is like a sickfic on steroids. If you want Grian with so much past trauma he forgets how to function in society, this is basically the fic for you. I really love how hybrid traits affect the characters' interactions in this fic, and how everyone is kind of messed up because of the imbalance Grian brings. It is wonderfully descriptive in all the right places!

Love Me Like I'm Dead by @daniofcrows is such a gem. You know how hard it is to find good Xisuma whump? It's impossible. I absolutely love how Xisuma and Evil X are characterised in this, and I am obsessed with the unique take on hanahaki disease which I have never seen handled in this way before. The balance between flashbacks and present day is maintained wonderfully and I cannot wait to continue reading this one. Wow.

Oh, you wanted me to do a verse? by @bugbbear is... kind of indescribable. It's horror. It's comedy. It's the apocalypse. It's boatem. Scar eats someone. One of the most interesting and unique apocalypse stories I have read. Slowly updating but worth the wait, in my opinion. This one NEEDS more attention.

So Much For Stardust by @a-plethora-of-peters is basically one of my all-time favourites. Which is a damn good achievement seeing as I don't usually read ZITS fics. Like, ever. In this fic, Skizz is a human abducted and hurt badly by aliens, now recovering in the care of good aliens who don't know how 'sentient' he is. Every update of this one makes me smile, it is wonderful. I love how the characters are written and how the different perspectives are shown. It is just great.

Solar Waltz by @raspberrystruck and aroundtheclock is a brilliant and very very sad regression fic. I love fluffy regression fics as much as the next guy, but this one just... hits different. The hurt/comfort levels are off the charts. Grian is so damn cute the whole time, while also being harrowingly complicated and sad. I am so ready for whatever comes next.

Tango's Castle of Cards by @evilrat-sabre is the one where Tango is a BUG. He's just a little guy (horror). This one is so beautifully written, with poetry-type interludes and perspective changes that really make everything feel so much more impactful. Finding out your buddy is a murder bug isn't the easiest thing in the world. I love this so much.

Traveling Thieves {Dark Fantasy AU} (series) by @amethystfairy1 is basically one of the series of all time. I know I keep saying that but it really really is. I love a good fantasy au, and I love an au with hybrids even more. In this world, hybrids are treated like slaves, but it isn't all doom and gloom for the main characters of each installment. There is a lot of hurt/comfort and the different stories feed into each other in really interesting ways. I try to read as much as I can, though I've missed a few because my emails are buggy. Definitely worth reading these fics, especially since now they're all starting to come together!

Completed Fics

Solving Counting Sheep by @theminecraftbee might have rearranged my brain chemistry a little. Another strong contender for 'fics that inspire me to kill Grian', this time with a more concrete notion of "replacement". Three is my favourite fucked up living weapon. It's so rare to find Evo fics in this day and age, too. This fic had me immediately clicking on every update as soon as I got the emails.

Rescue Fire by @imaginethat0327 is one of the most unique takes on a fictionalised life series game that I have ever read. The whole concept is explained in a realistic and easy-to-follow way, as we learn what's happening with the characters. There are several brilliant storylines happening in this one, but my particular favourites are Jimmy & Tango, Joel, and of course Scar & Grian. This fic is full of whump and, well, read the tags, it isn't always pleasant, but those are my favourite things ever. Definitely worth checking out this fic and its currently updating sequel.

don't you know about me? by takenbadgering is a wonderful comedy of errors with just the right amount of angst for a realistic setting type of fic. If you enjoy polyamory miscommunications, rave aesthetics, kandi, school teacher dynamics, and a lovely blend between grumbo, cubscar, and mumscar, this is the one.

Eventually the Birds Must Land by @milo-hypno follows a polyam ship I would have never thought of, and I cannot believe how much I loved it. This married-as-friends fic premise is wonderful, and captures the main trio (Grian, Mumbo, Impulse)'s personalities so well, while balancing them with the incredibly terrifying descriptions of the Watchers and their power. There's a lot of angst here, but it is ultimately hurt/comfort to the maximum degree. I loved reading it as it updated. Yay for gay marriage!

From The Archives (series) by @sixteenth-days was the absolute inspiration for my own Comms AU, and I will never forget its influence on me. As someone basically unfamiliar with TMA, I thought this series might be hard to follow, but it was not! I read all 57 parts in the span of two days, and I think it altered my brain chemistry. Please read it, even if (especially if) you don't know anything about TMA. The Cleo and Grian storyline lives in my head rent free. I mean it. This is horror at its finest. Also there's an audio series of this fic being released rn, which is very cool.

SUPERCRITICAL by @masque-of-plague hits different. It is such a wonderful take on the superhero/HotGuy trope, and it gets so super dark at some points! This one really takes swings at it's fictional government, which of course I love, while at the same time building this brilliantly emotional relationship between Scar and Grian. I do enjoy a bit of enemies to lovers, but the actual plot mixed into the story makes this one extra special. It is thrilling, with action that I don't get to see too often! Great work.

I am weary with contending! is one of the mumscarian fics of all time. From 'this house has people in it'-type horror, to magic gone wrong, to childhood trauma, to attempted assassination, to gender fuckery, this fic has it all. Usually I don't go for convex siblings, but this one is good enough to get a pass from me. Amazingly detailed worldbuilding alongside a brilliantly creative story.

It Spreads by @foxxology may not count as a fic, actually. It's a comic. But it's posted on ao3 so it counts. I was obsessed with this one as it was updating, honestly. It rocked me to my core. The art is phenomenal. The writing is brilliant. I love sculk.

Luck of the sea by Sleepy_Duck is a lovely take on mermaid and human interactions, with Grian as a marine life conservator and Scar as a very neglected mer. This one takes us emotionally in all sorts of directions, and offers lots of hope for the future of the characters. I heavily enjoyed this fic - if you like mermaids and marine biology, check it out.

there are many downsides to being a marine biologist by donnerstag is another mermaid fic but with a pretty different vibe. First of all, it follows what I would consider a rarepair Doc/Martyn. Second of all, reading this as it updated was a thrilling experience that nearly made me cry at certain points. I love how the relationship builds in this fic. It is honestly amazing. The whole idea of experimenting on a sentient sea creature, learning that he can communicate, then losing funding and having to save him from being dissected?!?! It's crazy. I love it.

Thus concludes my fic recommendations. I hope you enjoy at least some of these, and consider reblogging to spread these wonderful fics around <3

[ohwaitimthewriter]

SFW Alphabet with Caesar

The very first Alphabet I'm writing and *GASP* this is was so long to write but I LOVED IT!

Warnings: fluffy fluff, tiny angst and... tiny nsfw allusions

Words: 10k (🫨)

Enjoy your reading! 😁

Planet of the Apes Masterlist.

A = Affection

Caesar is actually, pretty much affectionate with you and I'm a firm believer he'll not be afraid to show his affection in public, all things considered of course. He'll not display a huge amont of it out of the nest, but you can bet there will be gentle glances towards you, soft and lingering touches when he passed by during the day. This is just what he does when you're both going on with your own activities during the day.

Something like... he's at a council meeting, perched on a rock above the colony and he saw you walking downhill towards whatever you planned to do and once you sense the gawking on you, you find his green and golden eyes watching you from above and as you grace him with a gentle smile, you catch his enamored gaze softening only for your eyes to see and for the split second it lasted it sends you a wave of pleasant tingles bubbling inside your chest.

But it can also be... One of each of your activities bring the two of you to meet, even for a short time, and I swear he'll gently brush his thick fingers through your hair, even letting his fingertips lightly scratch your scalp, and he'll rest his palm at the root of your neck while his fingers are still encapsulating your skull as he brings you to a tiny forehead kiss to greet you and ask you whatever he has to ask you. You're in for a wave of shiver running from your skull down to your spine as the warmth of his hand radiate through your skin and brings a soft heat on your cheek. Once again, it's short but it is delightful.

B = Best friend

He's a very caring friend, are you feeling well in your nest? Are you settling comfortably in the colony? Would you mind if I spend some time with you while you're fishing, eating or doing your human stuff? He'll listen to you, no matter what you're saying, telling him about what you did during the day, recalling some events from your past, complaining about Koba being a jerk to you, even your small talk, he'll listen to it. Not sure he'll comment on everything but it's okay, he's a good listener and that's all you need of him as a friend.

He might also come to you if he needs advice on how to handle a human situation.

C = Cuddles

I believe cuddling is something you needed to teach him. I mean, of course Caesar is affectionate with you, the soft touches and strokes, the forehead kisses and taking in your scent whenever he has to occasion to. But to actually save times with the only purpose to cuddle (and not even in a sexual way) and share gentle touches and whatnot, whispering lovingly into the ears of the other, it's a very human thing to do.

Okay, okay let me tell you how it went:

You needed more.

For a while now, a warm whirlwind had been biting at your stomach whenever you found yourself near your Caesar. A whirlwind that left you with a hunger you could never seem to satiate, despite your mate's heady presence, and which seemed to grow stronger every time his gaze landed on yours or his hands extended an affectionate greeting against your skin.

Lately, you'd caught yourself wanting more. When Caesar would slide his hand over the back of your neck to bring you closer to him and kiss your forehead with his, your body would have the strange instinct to chase after him as soon as he moved away from you, silently asking him to linger a few moments longer.

This would also happen when he offered you his hand to help you climb a rock or move over uneven ground he knew to be unstable for your (rather questionable) human balance. You'd slip your fingers into his calloused hand and his warmth would become a pleasant hot water bottle against your skin, as your hand tightened a little more against his with the firm intention of not wanting to let go, until he freed you from his chivalrous grip a little too quickly for your liking.

And the moment you realized your inescapable need to linger languorously in his arms was at the communal dinner.

You had finished your meal and were waiting patiently beside Caesar for him to finish his. He was engaged in a rather enthusiastic silent conversation with his son, Blue Eyes, while you admired the flames dancing in front of your eyes. Suddenly, your head found shelter against his shoulder. His fur tickled the skin of your cheek and you would have liked to snuggle up to him entirely, even nuzzling your nose in his fur to take in a whiff of his musky scent, but you just closed your eyes, enjoying the harsh but delicate tingling of his soft fur against your cheek.

You sometimes sought this kind of contact with him, so it didn't alarm Caesar so much until he realized that your head was still propped there, against his shoulder, the light pressure not budging after a few seconds as you were so used to do.

He frowned slightly in confusion, and with a touch of concern, he looked down at your peaceful face, his knuckles pressing lightly against your cheek to encourage you to open your eyes.

"Are you okay?" Caesar signed the words to you discreetly.

You tilted your head up a little, the movement causing friction against his fur as you refused to break the contact of your cheek against his warm shoulder, before signing a simple "yes" in turn.

"Do you mind, if… I stay like this?"

Your voice was a melodious whisper to his ears, and the features of his face softened to give way only to a loving expression. The air he blew through his nose made his nostrils flare weakly as he bent his head towards you, tenderly kissing your forehead with his own and if you squinted hard enough, you could have seen his lower lip fall limply in a peaceful expression.

"I… don't… mind… it."

The husky tone of his voice sent a shower of shivers down your spine and a smile played across your lips, making your hand travel around his arm until you slipped it into his, squeezing it tenderly to thank him.

And if your hand left his to let him carry on signing his discussion with his son, you comfortably settled your head back against his shoulder, your smile never leaving your face as Caesar's body gently leaned against yours to quietly share your affection.

From this day, you got him wrapped around your finger, I swear!

D = Domestic

Well, if you're not under human problems (you know, war, threats and such), I think it can be a very peaceful life. Like, you just need to... be. You have quite a lot of routine activities to sustain the daily communal life, for example: going fishing, hunting, foraging fruits/vegetables, but also exploring the world around the colony to maybe gather useful tools and materials, maybe you have to get wood for the fires, but you also need to take care of your shared nest with Caesar (because let's face it, with the amount of intimacy activities you both go through, the nest MOVES a lot). So yeah, very peaceful and I tend to think it can also become TOO peaceful (really, put aside war and threats). I'll not say boring because you have a lot to do, especially being Caesar's mate - he relies on you a lot to spend time with the colony on his behalf to help the other apes when needed and such, because he cannot be everywhere, team's work you know - it's about the routine. It's more or less the same dynamic each day, so being creative is important, because you know, you can't go on holidays anymore 😂

Not to worry though, it's not a feeling you have often, most of the time you enjoy your daily peaceful life especially because I believe Caesar makes it a priority to spend quality time with you during the day, rather than just seeing you in the early morning or evening and night.

So for an hour or two, he'll be with you while you're working on something for the colony. Maybe that day he went with you to forage blueberries and nuts or fishing at the river and let me tell you, in these times where he has you only for himself, he's going to be playful! YES the grumpy stoic ape is PLAYFUL when it comes to you (or littles ones but wait and see 🤭) and you can bet he'll do it in such a smooth way like "no, I'm not responsible for that water splash you just got in your face 😇" and if you try to get your payback, you better be prepared because he won't allow this without consequences so please run for your life because he will tackle you down into the mud and a series of cheerful and teasing hoots would be sung just for you as he pretends he's going to severely bite your neck, because how dare you splashing him water back now just enjoy his hot breath and teeth hovering your skin AND YOU'RE IN FOR A MOUTH FULL KISS RIGHT IN THE CROOK OF YOUR NECK AS HE'S LAUGHING HEARTILY and you happily savor it because IT IS NOT OFTEN.

(Please leave me alone I have FEELS and I should write a proper oneshot for this!!)

E = Ending

Oh this one is tough. When I think about it, (and this will go with the letter F too) I can't picture a reason he would break up with you because, hear me out, he's an overthinker, if he had chosen you for being his mate, you can be sure the decision is more than analyzed. Beforehand, he probably had studied your behavior on your good AND bad days. He knows how you express anger, he knows how you express frustration, how you express offense but also how you express love, caring and even teasing! So, if he ever break up, it would not be because of you, nor it would be because of him because YOU know also with who you engage yourself. I mean, a human and an ape mating for life, this is no joke, both of you know the ups and downs of this.

If there were ever a break up at some point, it would probably come from something out of control and coming from someone else or something external. Like someone is threatening one of you to kill the other if you don't break up, or you know, this kind of seriousness where the life of the other is in danger. And omg it would be so heartbreaking for both of you if something like a serious threat was coming at the two of you:

It was… as if the world were falling apart for the second time.

"It… can no longer… work…" he huffed in an aggravated tone. "We… can't… work."

His words, pronounced with a coldness you didn't recognize. It wasn't him, the ape in front of you, standing with such firm determination that you hardly dared - you, his mate, the one he'd chosen to share the rest of his life with - to look at him, that ape there, he wasn't your Caesar.

"I… don't understand," you said, your voice hushed.

And you'd hoped so hard that he'd change his mind, that you'd misinterpreted his words and that it was all just a misunderstanding. You were almost sick with wanting to believe it, the walls of your heart clenched so tightly that at any moment, you knew, it could break, spread out in little pieces on the floor like glass, and suddenly your stomach wanted to give back the meal you'd eaten in the early hours of the morning.

"You have to… Leave." His baritone voice was nothing but fists slamming into your face.

And your face contorted with the anticipation of punches Caesar would never dare inflict on you, no matter what. You took a deep breath, your eyes closed to prevent yourself from seeing the hatred you imagined on Caesar's face, as the tears had decided to roll down your cheeks, leaving a warm, wet trail behind them.

You couldn't hear them, these words. You couldn't accept them, and yet Caesar anticipated with great skill your desire to come close to him and try to talk some sense into him, to seek out the body warmth that he, only the day before, had known how to offer you in the difficult times you'd experienced in the past. No sooner had you taken even the slightest step in his direction than he growled, baring his teeth in a stern warning that one more step would bring you nothing but trouble.

And that was all it took.

You felt yourself stumbling to catch the organ that was pumping your blood through your veins, but you weren't quick enough. You had no choice but to watch it crash to the ground, the blood-red fragments scattering into thousands of pieces that you knew would be impossible to gather and glue back together.

It was all over. You could see in front of you, at your feet, your heart beating to propel blood that would never reach your veins, and the sticky liquid spreading in streams around the organ that had just been ripped from your chest.

Your arms wrapped around your breast as if you were trying to cradle this organ so important to your body, telling yourself that perhaps this would give it back its rightful place and no matter how much you squeezed your ribs, it was already too late, you could feel it deep inside you, the emptiness. The emptiness that had just taken its place where it was supposed to be.

Caesar was watching you crumble. And he wondered if you would be able to recover from it, if he would be able to recover from it. But what other choice did he have? He couldn't see any. This, to know that you would continue to breathe, even far from him, even far from his people, but very much alive, or else… to know once again the wrenching pain of seeing once again the heart of the being he loved stop beating. And that was something he couldn't bring himself to do. Not while the threat hovering over you was still alive. Maybe you'd never forgive him, even afterwards, it was even clear, you'd never be able to forgive him. Your tears flooding your skin, your body cowering in on itself like prey caught in a bear's clutches, your face - usually so lit up by your own sun, the one radiating from your body as if the sun above the world itself had given you one of its rays as a gift - damaged by the heartbreaking words Caesar had chosen to utter, proved to him that you would never forgive him.

And Caesar felt something coming to gnaw at his ribs and crawl viciously to his heart before attacking his flesh with sharp teeth. But there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do other than show you a hard, cold face, ready to display the dangerousness of his jaw in the false anger he had to pretend. And a hint of real anger emerged in the pit of his stomach. He never pretended. He never lied. So why couldn't you see that? Why did you so easily believe this face he'd only shown you in his horrific images that sometimes haunted him as he slept soundly beside you.

This anger he could show you without pretending, and that's what gave credibility to it all.

(I should also write a proper oneshot for this 😭)

F = Fiance(e)

So, hm, yeah, back to my senses (sorry about that), and as I said just above, he is NOT quick in wanting to have you as his mate because he needs to be sure of you. Like, crazy sure. No doubts allowed because commitment is for life and there is no turning point. So from the moment the idea pop up in his mind that maybe he feels something else than friendship towards you, he'll observe, study and analyze your behavior in a very obsessive way (this should sit in the bad habit section I believe!). No joke is allowed here but once he got what he sought, damn you're doomed to have him for the rest of your life.

G = Gentle

He is gentle, no debate about this, but he knows when to be gentle and when to be harsh. He's very smart in knowing how to hold himself, how to adapt his behavior according to an event in order to obtain what he wants. And this goes for both, physically and emotionally. He's not shy in showing his gentleness but also his capacity to be abrasive. This is why he is a great leader, king to the other apes, he knows how to balance both.

Now, talking about you. There is no way he's harsh with you physically, even if you're mean to him for some reasons, he knows he can badly injure you because he is way stronger than you. And hurting you is a huge NO, no matter what. So, when he has his hands on you, it is as soft as the stroke of a feather.

Now, he may be harsh emotionally with you but not in a sense he'll use bad words on you or try to belittle you or something like this, he'll be harsh if you try to push him to open up and he's not ready or doesn't want to, there he's going to dismiss you. It'll also happen when you talk badly about your own self (see the U section).

He can also be a bit blunt when he speaks, which can sometimes be taken as offensive for a human but there are no bad thoughts behind it. He's an ape, he just says what needs to be said so if you're asking him if the crafting your making is good, and it is actually going bad, don't expect him to lie, he'll tell you it's bad. But you'll see the gentleness when he crouched down beside you and help you get it better.

H = foreHead kisses

(YEAH I KNOW it's supposed to be "Home" and forehead does not start with an "h" but I wanted to talk about forehead kisses, so I'm talking about forehead kisses, if you have something against it, go talk to after sales services, thanks 😂)

So FOREHEAD KISSES.

They occur on a daily basis: to greet you in the morning and gulp at your scent before leaving for the day, to greet you also at dinner time when meet once again after a long day and he needs to feel close to you and also for a night routine before you both fall in the arms of Morpheus. And he does linger there, pressing his forehead against yours. Sometimes you can feel a small pinch from your skull as he presses harder there to show you how much you mean to him. According to him, the harder he presses, the deeper his feelings for you are engraved (one day you got a light bruise from the forehead kiss you shared the night before and you couldn't stop complaining about it so now instead on going hard pressing, he lingers A LOT MORE, lingering works to).

And there is this little ceremonial thing that goes with forehead kisses... At the end of the courting phase, to ask to officially enter into a mated pair relationship… both parties have to initiate a forehead kiss. When the first one is given, if you don't decline right away, the other one will wait for you to give it back. And it may take several days, this way, it allows the courting phase to last a little longer, in a way that's enjoyable for both of you.

Let me tell you how it went for you!

The first few days of winter were always complicated. Your body would eventually get used to the cold, but you'd always have that adjustment time that caused you restless nights.

The little fire crackled gently inside your little hut. The late autumn night chill prevented you from falling asleep, despite the pelts covering your bed and the coat you had to slip over your shoulders to keep warm.

And this was how Caesar found you, passing by your hut with the primary aim of returning to his nest for the night. Your crouched form beside your campfire, your knees tucked up against your chest and your hands seeking the warmth of the small flames dancing merrily, drew his attention and he stopped in front of the entrance to your hut.

You hadn't noticed him yet, and he took the opportunity to admire your eyes as they followed the movement of the flames, hoping that the waltz they were playing would eventually lull you to sleep. His eyes were always telling him silent stories, animated by emotions that were sometimes joyful, sometimes amusing and sometimes sad. He always admired the ability that humans had… that you had, to express so much in a single glance.

He had to work to decipher them. He'd had a few failures in the past, but today he could tell in a glance the emotion that was gripping your heart. And tonight, he could see a mixture of annoyance and fatigue, and a certain desire to find the serenity that would finally lead you to sleep.

You still didn't notice him, and a deep, primal feeling nibbled pleasantly at his insides as he had the vulgar sensation of lurking over you like prey he'd eventually catch.

His green eyes wandered happily over your body and your hands, after storing up enough warmth, began rubbing your legs to transmit the warmth you'd been missing for so long.

The warmth he could bring you.

You repeated the gesture, placing your palms over the small fire, and Caesar watched your skin redden under the effect of the flames. His hands closed into two fists, suddenly feeling the heat radiate to his palms as if you'd just slipped your warm fingers into his hands, and he had to swallow. The sensation of your hands in his would be a treat and his cheeks puffed up in anticipation.

Maybe this was the right moment. The right moment to give in to temptation and finally take knowledge of your own volition.

But you still didn't notice him, and he would never allow himself to enter your personal space that he knew was so important to you. So his eyes wandered over your body again, and that's when he caught sight of it. Protected by the collar of the coat you were wearing, the top of your jugular escaping under that thick piece of cloth he suddenly wanted to rip off. His mouth salivated without warning and he was already running his tongue over the tips of his canines with the irrefutable urge to plant them in your skin and mark you as his own. And if you could just look up and…

Spotting him standing at the entrance to your hut, you smiled softly at him, your face lighting up faintly with fatigue but your eyes shining with a tenderness reserved only for him.

That was all he needed to get closer. To get closer until you timidly indicated that he should come and settle down beside you, but he had another idea in mind.

He had to know.

He watched your eyes squint with confusion when he didn't stop where you'd indicated, and when his palm slid delicately to the back of your head as he leaned gently toward you, he sought in your gaze a clue. Something that would tell him you'd refuse what he wanted.

Your eyes fluttered and a deep, soothing sigh found its way into your ribcage at the feel of his warm hand against the skin at the nape of your neck. A series of tingling sensations ran down your spine and into the small of your back as Caesar lovingly kissed your forehead with his own. His warm breath touched your face, warming the pores cooled by the winter night as he took deep breaths to memorize your scent to the very depths of his memory, and your hand slid down his cheek of its own accord, the graying fur that lined the junction of his skin tickling your fingertips.

You gently brushed his skin under his fur and it took no time at all for him to increase the pressure of his forehead against yours, a satisfied growl echoing in his chest in the hope that you would understand that this gesture was important. That after this, he wouldn't let you slip through his fingers and that he'd do anything and everything so that one day… you'd come and give him back what he'd just given you.

I = I love you

I talk about this before and I'm gonna stick on that: verbalizing your feelings towards each other is a very human way to do so. He doesn't understand the point of verbalizing it: you're mated for life, you share his nest, he even share sometimes his own food even if you have a full bowl of fruits, nuts and vegetables. The lingered eyed contact, the soft touches when he passed by, the intimacy you both go through when you find each other in the nest by the end of the day, the forehead kisses he gives you and that you returned fervently. All this screams I love you so when you tell him these words one time when you were both having a cuddle time in the privacy of your shared nest, he's like: ???? yes, I know, you know I know, you know I know you know, so???? but he accepts it anyway, escaping a chuckle straight out of his chest as he nuzzles his muzzle against your neck to gulp a big scent of yours and dancing his canines against your soft skin, teasing it and his warm breath willingly huffed towards your skin so he can feel your shiver waving through your entire body.

And yes he'll use it against you at any opportunity.

J = Jealousy

I don't picture him being jealous, like, he's quite confident in this field (and mostly because he can just smell your interest towards him so he has no doubt about your choice of mate, him, of course. You have no way to hide your feelings for him, your hormones betray you.). YET he is possessive but I think it's a distinctive feature for apes, once you're a mated pair, scent is key to keep any other apes away. So you'll have his scent all over you and he'll make sure his scent remains as strong as it needs to be on your body so he can smell your scent mixed up with his own from miles away (well, maybe not miles but you got the point). If you wash in a river, be sure you're ready for a shower of shared scent!

K = Kisses

Very, very, very human thing to do.

If we talk about mouth kisses, he doesn't mind it, like, he's not against it but he'll not go for it either. It's not a natural way for him to show his affection but he will let you do as you please if you feel the need to give him a smooch there because well... thank you Caroline and Will for kissing each other in front of him so now he knows mouth kisses are an important act of affection towards the one you love. (Though if you shut him as he's grumpily complaining he'll lowkey adore it and he'll carry on grumbling against your mouth so you keep kissing him there even though you start laughing because you know he does it on purpose. This is a silent agreement between you both.)

What he absolutely loves is to kiss your neck and he is NOT shy about it, well he is because he keeps it to the privacy of your nest or when he has you for himself and no one is around because he just goes mouth full on your skin and you can't complain. He's going to play his tongue against your soft skin and if he feels like it, even his teeth are going to graze at your neck as a wave of shiver flow along your body in anticipation, waiting for his canines to pierce through your skin but you can only feel a sting under the light pressure Caesar gives in the aim of not hurting you. (Ask him and I swear he'll go for a true bite).

L = Little ones

He is so caring and protective towards the young ones. He probably acts like a father for any baby apes or young apes of the colony.

He doesn't necessarily meet the little ones very often, but when he does - when he's with Maurice, for example - he's the kind of ape who looks at them with that kind, protective gaze. The ape kids aren't the least bit impressed by him, and they don't mind teasing him by climbing on his back or playing tag, like "You can't catch me!" and the little one scurries off with Caesar at his heels, and you can hear the happy, playful hoots throughout the village.

I've mentioned it before, but Caesar can be very playful when he wants to be (and especially when life doesn't push him around with responsibilities heavier than his shoulders.) and he shows it with you but also with the little ones.

M = Morning

Before you're a mated pair, he's got into the habit of coming to your nest to get you for breakfast. One day, you didn't wake up in time, so he made it his mission to come and check that you were awake and ready to eat, because it's important to fill your stomach in the morning and share this moment with everyone. It's a question of health and well-being, he says (well, it's also because he wants you to be the first one who he talks to in the morning so you can bet it is VERY early in the morning when he comes for you but shhh 🤫).

After you're a mated pair, surprisingly enough, he's going to let you sleep. He'll gently kiss your forehead with his own, trying not to wake you, and if you do, he'll linger a bit more than if you don't, and then he's out for his day, saving you a bowl for your favorite food for when you'll be ready to take your breakfast.

And until you teach him the art of cuddling, he'll not stick around the nest that much because you know, early council meetings, but once you taught him how to cuddle? There is at least ONE morning every so often when the council meeting start later than any other days 😳

N = Night

The nights are peaceful. And I think it's the only time when Caesar is vulnerable and able to express his true feelings openly.

It's also one of those tender moments (which can drift into something more spicy, but shhh) that you both share, and it's a time when you can really enjoy snuggling up to him, burying your nose in his fur at the neck, and letting his musky scent lull you to sleep.

You used to wait for him in the nest, your back pressed against several pelts that you used as pillows. On this particular day, you had found an old book in a human camp, and to pass the time before Caesar came in, you laid it on your lap, tucked slightly towards you, to read.

Lost in your reading, you didn't notice Caesar until your name rolled off his lips to catch your attention, and you smiled gently at him as he busied himself rekindling the fire you'd let die little by little. Your eyes went back to their reading, a novel by Graham Swift, whose moving story captivated your irises to the point of Caesar's curiosity.

His massive brown body entered your field of vision as he slowly crawled on all fours to your feet, letting one of his hands run along your shin. Your calf muscle twitched at his touch and his fur tickled your skin as you willingly allowed him enough space between your legs to rest. His hand settled on your right knee as he leaned lightly against your other leg, which needed to tense its muscles to keep it stable enough with the new weight it had to support.

His warmth beamed onto your skin, soaking into every cell and making it difficult to ignore. His head peeked out over your book, giving it a quick glance before focusing on the depths of your eyes.

"Ever after" you said.

And you closed the book to show him the cover page where a pear crunched on one side rested on an orange background of a beehive. The corners of the book were twisted and the hardback cover was itself beginning to detach from its base, and Caesar slid his hand from your knee until he grasped the book to observe it.

"Is he… new?" He asked.

You could feel his second hand laid against the nest just below your left thigh, which served to keep him more or less on top of you, and a shivering sensation crawled to the pit of your stomach when he playfully brushed his thumb over the part of your thigh that rested against the pelts.

"I found it this morning, you know, at the camp after the river." You explained gently.

And you knew his reaction even before he had done it. The features of his face frowned, the ridge of his eyes hardened and a grumble scratched his throat, unhappy that you'd ventured so far from the colony on your own. You giggled faintly and brought your hand up to his face, stroking the little wrinkles under his eyes in an attempt to soften his pout.

"And I don't have a single scratch!" You said proudly with a smile that was hard for him to resist.

He huffed, making his nostrils flare, in resignation, but you could see his irises scanning your skin for the slightest mark that wasn't there already. He set the book down beside you and you needed to give him more room between your thighs as he pushed himself further over your chest. A hand found its support beside your shoulder and you were forced to twist your neck back to keep looking at his face. The intense focus in his eyes faded as he realized that, indeed, no injury, however small, had appeared on the skin exposed between the pieces of fabric of your nightwear. And you couldn't help having that playful smile glued to your lips at his undying concern that something might happen to you.

Your hand went to the back of his neck, the light pressure of your fingers in his fur inviting him to kiss your forehead with his own, and although still reluctant because he hadn't yet looked all over your body, he gave in to temptation as his forehead met yours in a heartwarming "pop", his scowl forever stuck to his face.

At least… until his muzzle traveled to the hollow of your neck, where he deliberately blew warm air at you as his hand found its home at your ribs. His broad palm encased part of your ribcage and it was impossible to hold back a laugh that danced melodiously in his ears as his front teeth nibbled at the skin between your collarbone and your throat.

Caesar laughed, his hooting drawing air into his lungs as you squirmed in his grip, falsely trying to escape him, but his hand pressed gently against your ribs, forcing you to remain almost still despite the jolts your laughter caused against your chest.

His teeth brushed your skin on their journey to your ear, where you had the pleasure of hearing his deep but playful voice.

"I have to… check."

You shook your head, falsely annoyed by his antics, and he softly pressed the side of his face against yours before giving you a cheeky look that you didn't see often enough. You giggled, the air scraping against your lips as he pretended to bite your nose, but the fondness of his fingers digging into your shirt in the hope of seeing it fly away spoke of his true motives.

And those golden-green eyes… brimming with playfulness, you wanted to engrave them deep in your memory so you'd never forget them.

Yep, nights are just like this with him.

O = Open

He is on the slow team to reveal things! It'll take you a lot of times to create a strong bond based on trust and understanding for him to open up about his deep thoughts and emotions.

He'll need to observe your behavior a lot. How are you behaving with other apes? Are you helpful? What do you bring to the colony? Do you care about the other apes? In which way? So you need to be very demonstrative about your kindness and reliability.

I think he would be just as deeply moved if you took the first step and revealed something important to you. You gain trust by giving it away. He would appreciate this from you.

P = Patience

It really depends on the subject and how far people push it. With Koba? Caesar doesn't even know what patience means. With Maurice? Maurice can say anything, Caesar will allow it no matter what. Rocket? It is well balanced.

As far as you are concern, he is very patient with you except for this one little thing (section U, I'M LOOKING AT YOU) where he can get pretty mad if you keep pushing it. Otherwise, he'll take the time to listen to your rambling and complaining and if it's what you are seeking for, he'll give advice or even try to find a solution if you face a problem.

If you complain about something he did or a decision he made, he'll prefer to discuss it with you, trying to explain all the ins and outs. Dialogue is always his first choice coming to you (especially because he can't force his decision on you the way he would on other apes using his dominant stance. You're human, you don't have the same understanding of this behavior and so you're much less affected by his dominant/leader side - except in the privacy of your nest, where his leading side has a very positive effect, but there we digress). Most of the time, it does the trick. But even if you're stubborn on your position on the matter, he'll not get angry at you for not changing your mind, he'll accept it and respect it after hearing your thoughts.

He's just glad he can talk through misunderstanding or argument with you because even if none of you change your mind, discussing it untangles tension and you gain a better understanding of each other perspective.

Q = Quizzes

If you talked about something you like or dislike, he’ll have it engraved in his mind.

I believe he’ll not remember ALL the things you say, like if you talk about your day or just do small talk, he’ll listen (first because he finds it interesting, second because your voice is a sweet treat to his ears) but he’ll not dwell on it. BUT there are some key words he knows you’re using when something is important to you and if it’s important to you, it’s important to him and in these moments, his mind becomes a recorder. Even for the tiny trivial things (oh so you preferred eating vegetables first and then fish or meat, your favorite flower is the lily of the valley and back in humanity time, you loved your shower with hard soap and not liquid ones, YEP RANDOM STUFF LIKE THAT IF YOU SAID THE KEY WORDS). So he knows something is important not only with key words but also the way you hold yourself, there is this scent or aura coming out of you which tells him to click on the REC button of his mind.

R = Remember

His favorite memory is when you ride him for the first time to show him the power of pelvic rotation when rightfully used for physical pleasure but it wouldn't be very SFW to describe so I'm telling you something else instead.

Remember the story in H section? Yeah? Well...

Your fingers worked cautiously around the brambles that had twisted deep into Caesar's fur, the thorns scraping his skin sharply at the slightest movement he might initiate.

Focused on your task, you felt the skin on your cheeks flush with embarrassment as images of the incident looped through your mind. You didn't even dare to look at him, even though his golden-green eyes never took their eyes off you for a second, and if you could have ducked into a mouse hole, you'd have gladly done so.

Caesar remained motionless and patient with your hands as they carefully probed his fur, trying to delicately remove each thorn from the brambles that had intertwined with his body without his consent.

You'd been scared.

Of what? It didn't really matter anymore, because even though he'd gained a bramble blanket covering his arm up to his shoulder, he could still enjoy the delicacy of your skin wriggling in his fur, offering him a shower of tingles that ruffled his fur nicely.

You hid your face from him, refusing to let him observe the colouring of your cheeks that ran up to the tips of your ears, and Caesar found himself tilting his head slightly, hoping to catch a glimpse of that expression you seemed to reserve only for him. But you were stubborn.

Your hands moved slowly up his arm, and every touch left him wanting more.

And he wondered… After that gift he'd given you a few weeks ago, he was wondering when you'd give it back. There had been plenty of opportunities. Caesar had worked hard to make them happen. But you never seemed ready. Yet he could feel it. Come to think of it, he already knew. And feeling your forehead curl against his may have been only ceremonial, but the idea was too pleasurable.

If he listened to the tasty twist in his stomach, he'd go for that forehead kiss on his own, but it had to come from you. He'd done his part and could only wait languidly for the honor of seeing you take action.

Maybe… maybe if you were willing to look at him, he could give you with one glance the permission you lacked to do so. Maybe that was it. Maybe you were afraid and waiting for his approval to approach him in such an intimate way. He was ready to give it to you, and seeing you fumbling around apologizing for something that wasn't so bad after all, barely daring to look up at him, pinched his heart and he had trouble understanding its meaning.

All he knew was that his hand traveled peacefully to your cheek, his knuckles barely grazing your skin but enough to cause you to raise your eyes to his. Look at me. Those were the words that trailed off with the caress he bestowed on you, lingering until your irises came searching for an answer to a question that had never been asked.

"It's… almost over." You say, your voice still pleading a forgiveness he'd already granted you before you even asked.

Your eyes left him again to follow the movement of your fingers up his shoulder again, but Caesar wasn't satisfied. This wasn't what he wanted and his cheeks puffed out in slight frustration, urging him once again to come and press, a little longer this time, his knuckles against your skin. This sensation that was now gnawing at his stomach was becoming burdensome and when you looked up at him again, confused, he couldn't help but close his eyes, letting his head fall forward even just a little, enough to hope to make you understand what he desperately wanted from you.

He couldn't be patient anymore, not this close to you, and the seconds passed like minutes before you understood. Before the two neurons connected in your brain, still reeling from having jostled him for being afraid of a spider. His forehead was desperately calling out to you, and a deep relief spread through Caesar's body when he felt your forehead press gently against his, with the lightness of a feather, not quite sure of the real implication of your gesture.

"Sorry… wait a little longer, I'll be quick." you whispered as you struggled with the erratic rhythm of your heartbeat, which suddenly seemed to want to leave your chest when your breath shared space with Caesar's.

You were still talking about those brambles, and just as your forehead wanted to leave his so you could get back to your task, Caesar yanked away the brambles that remained twisted in his fur with ease. His hand slid down your cheek, traveling to your hair and coming to rest flat against the back of your skull, holding you against his forehead. He would have liked to sink inside your skull with the simple aim of planting the depth of his feelings for you there, but he contented himself with escaping a breath through his mouth, making his cheeks puff out.

"I've waited… long… enough."

Yep, his favorite memory of your relationship 🙂‍↕️

S = Security

Caesar is VERY protective, which goes hand in hand with his role as leader, and he'll do anything for his people, even sacrifice his own life. And so, I have the feeling that he can quickly find himself stuck on an idea without seeing the other possible solutions when the life or survival of the colony is threatened. He can get pretty aggressive at times like that, and that's where you come in, because he'll tend to listen to you more easily, even if he grumbles when you force him to open up his views. There are only two beings who can reason with him: you and Maurice. And the two of you are a great pair to keep Caesar's head on straight when a serious risk threatens the colony and his protective side is triggered into + + + mode.

Maurice has a deep wisdom and serenity that radiates around him, and you have a deep benevolence and patience that surrounds you with a calm energy. Together, you provide the reassurance and calm that makes even the most urgent situations manageable.

Maurice will get through to him on his mental and intellectual levels, while you'll get through to him on his emotional ones, making you a winning duo to reassure him and help him avoid succumbing to a defensive, stubborn spiral.

That's for the general idea.

But if a threat concerns you directly, even you won't be able to reason with him. I think he's still traumatized by Cornelia's death (AU where Cornelia dies after Blue Eyes is born) and as a result, he's going to be over-protective of you. The most notable protective gesture is that he'll always stand in front of you, using his massive body as a bulwark to protect you. Back when bubble wrap still existed, he'd be your bubble wrap (I never thought I'd say such a thing 😂).

His protective side can also be seen in the little things he does on a daily basis: Caesar will hold your hand to help you up onto a rock, he'll hold your waist to help you down from a horse, but he'll also prepare you a bowl of rich, balanced food, and if you're a little late for dinner, he'll save a place for you by his side. And I wouldn't recommend sneezing in front of him, because you'll end up with an army of disease-knowing apes around you to make sure you haven't caught anything bad.

Not only will Caesar want to protect you physically, but also psychologically. He's already violently growled at Koba for verbally insulting and threatening you, and fortunately Maurice was there to prevent Caesar from giving in to his anger. He's going to be very attuned to your emotions and make sure he's there to absorb all your worries and pain. EXCEPT for the U section. Even then, when he dismisses your negative thoughts, it's just his protective side, because he also wants to protect you from your own thoughts, and so by not wanting to go into depth on the subject, he's preventing you (according to him) from allowing yourself to be attacked by your own thoughts.

In truth, this over-protective side of him, I can well imagine it going into the U section. At least, until he becomes more relaxed about the whole thing. It'll take time, but with a bit of work, he'll stop jumping at the slightest mosquito that wants to come and bite you.

Give him a little time, maybe get a little angry to show him you're not defenseless, and he'll eventually calm down and settle down to a reasonable amount of protection.

T = Try

Well, it depends on the timing of your relationship.

For example, before you're a mated pair but just as Caesar is finally sure of his choice to take you as his mate, he'll develop extra efforts to impress you. Because if he's sure he wants you, you've got to be sure you want him in return, and there's nothing like a little demonstration of his strength and ability to provide for all your needs.

And what could be better than to take you on his horse for a hunting trip…

The beating of your heart thumped against your ribcage with force, and a drop of sweat beaded along your temple. The ambient humidity of an evening after a thunderstorm crushed its clammy heat down your back, and if you hadn't had to maintain a deathly silence in stressful anticipation of Caesar spotting his prey, you'd already have tried to sigh deeply to try and lower the heavy temperature bubbling up inside your body.

The body heat of the King Ape wasn't helping to cool you down either, and you wondered how Caesar managed to endure this heavy, damp heat with his fur plastered all over his body.

You hardly dared to move because of the sweat sticking to your skin from your T-shirt, and you could even feel the rough tingling of Caesar's fur through it, which had itself stuck to your shirt with its own sweat. The urge to whisper in his ear that it would be better to go home than try to catch a deer on a stormy summer's evening crossed your mind, but Caesar had been more than convincing when he had come to ask you to join him on his hunt.

Unlike your heartbeat, his breathing was steady. You felt as if the fur on his belly was one with your skin from the unpleasant sweat that made you both want to go home, but Caesar was determined. You had to see. You had to see what he was capable of.

His horse snorted impatiently and Caesar had to hold him back in his reins until Rocket appeared above your heads, signing to Caesar:

"the horde is near." "Drive it towards us."

Caesar signed back, and his hand came down over yours to give it a gentle squeeze, silently asking you to hold on tight to him. Your arms wrapped a little tighter around his torso, pressing your chest further against his back, as your body objected to the stifling heat radiating from your two tangled bodies. And if the rest of your body didn't seem to be adoring this entrancing contact, your stomach seemed to be enjoying this all-too-rare proximity, as you felt it dance in shivering waves of pure delight.

And that was a lot to process. Your brain was boiling, but you weren't sure whether it was the temperature outside that was crushing you and Caesar, or the temperature inside your body reacting to the delicious touch of brute force emanating from the king of the apes.

You took advantage of the last second before the storm to rest your forehead against his shoulder blade, suddenly feeling the need for support before you fell under the heat. The sudden pressure on his shoulder drew Caesar's gaze, turning his head towards you as he puffed a silent question, the corner of his eyes showing a tinge of fondness. A smile played on your lips as you tilted your head up so that he could see the confirmation that you were ready with a nod of the head. And the corner of his lips stretched in a smug look.

Let's see if you were really ready to witness his strength in action.

After you're a mated pair, he'll be less of a show-off, but whenever he goes on an outing (hunting, inspecting human camps, etc.), he'll always make sure to bring something back for you: a piece of clothing, an object like a book or a hairbrush, or it could be your favorite fruit or flower. He'll always have something for you when he comes back, and every time he does, that smile, that goes all the way up to your eyes, you grant him, gives him an extreme sense of satisfaction, and that's where you find a little bit of his show-off side when he huffs and puffs his cheeks slightly because he's happy to have made you happy.

U = Ugly

I think he would not want to talk about any of your worries concerning your human condition. Like, being a human amongst a colony of apes can be tough sometimes when I think you can feel insecure at some point about it. Like, you're fragile, one thorn and your skin can bleed, one bad fall and you're in for weeks of recovery if you had injured yourself badly, you can get sick at any too cold weather and you can't walk bare foot without risking to cut or slip on rocks. Let's not talk about climbing trees or hunting big animals. So yeah, being insecure and not feeling as you truly belong there is something you sometimes feel. But Caesar is a stubborn ape. If he believes you belong, if he believes you're at your rightful place beside him, there is no way you can question it or be against him. So if you bring it to him someday he can and will dismiss it, or at least, he'll listen to you, tells you you're wrong in thinking that way and just go on with his life duties as you also should do because duh, why would you stick on such an absurd idea because he thinks you deserve to be here, you deserve to be his mate, he has chosen you as such and there is no point questioning it, DAMN YOU ARE PERFECTLY FINE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU SHOULD NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR POSITION BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY POSSIBLE THAN YOU BEING HIS MATE. CONVERSATION IS OVER.

He's losing it if you push it too far and yeah, bad habit.

V = Vanity

It's not really about his looks, you know, apes don't have the same perception of looks as we do, so I think if he was covered in sweat and mud and his fur was all sticky, it wouldn't be, visually, disturbing to him. The aesthetic isn't important, in any case, I don't think he dwells on it. HOWEVER, the way he holds himself, THAT is important. He's the king of the apes and HE'S PROUD, and it should show, he'll pay attention to his postures and adapt them to the situation. I think he wants his physical AND mental strength to be seen! He'll flex his muscles, puff out his chest, he's a bit of a show-off. And then, if you're close to him OH BOY, he'll literally put on a show, he's already a big guy, but now he wants to impress you, he wants you to only look at him, he wants his simple stance to prove to you that he's the only one who can provide for you, and the moment he smells your arousal because FOR GOD’SAKE JUST SEEING HIM HELD HIMSELF IN SUCH A PROVOKING WAY SETTLE A HEAT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND HE WILL HAVE A SMUG SMILE GHOSTING OVER HIS LIPS because he got what he wanted. 

W = Whole

I don't think he would feel incomplete. Okay, let me explain, of course if he's away for several days he'll miss you as hell! BUT it doesn't mean he feels incomplete. I truly believe you both are very much complete individual, there is no incomplete souls that suddenly meet each other to become one. You met each other as two fully grown individual who decided to mate for life. You're both individually seen as a whole and this is why you can share ideas, feelings, intimacy in a perfect understanding and respectful way because you're not dependent on the other to have your own opinion and your own personality and I feel this is the kind of relationship that are very sane to live through.

If you two are apart for an extended period of time, you are still very much capable of yourself, even though you'll miss each other presence. You'll miss the sharing smiles, physical touch, and conversation but you'll function normally and when you reunite, it'll feel all smooth, natural and delightful. (and going feral when you lay together in the nest but shhh)

X = Xtra

Something he absolutely adores is when you share your food with him. Especially if it's something you like to eat, you'll always save a piece of it for him, even if he has his own bowl of food or if you're both out, foraging for fruits, nuts or anything like that, the way you look at him, your hand held out towards him as you offer whatever you have to offer and THE SMILE, soft, almost shy on the edge and inviting. Does he already have blueberries in his bowl? He will give them to Blue Eyes to take the ones you are offering him.

He just loves eating your food.

And basically anything which belongs to you, if you decide on sharing it with him, he's a happy ape and you'll have him huffing blithely because it means you give him permission to be in your personal space on a daily basis and he feels INCLUDED and ACCEPTED and god you sharing your stuff with him leaves him in an enamored state he can't even explain. HE WILL PURR FROM HAPPINESS JUST FOR YOU OKAY.

(maybe it has to do with his childhood when the children wouldn't want to include him in their play times or share their games with him and he was stuck with watching them from afar when all he wanted was to play like a young ape with other young children, don't look at me I'm crying)

Y = Yuck

Not taking others into consideration. Like, I can't explain, this is just it, a huge no for Caesar, really. (it also has to do with his childhood, for real, Caesar was traumatized he just wanted to be INCLUDED and TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT FOR GOD'SAKE he was A BABY APE)

Z = Zzz

I’m sorry but… when he’s deep in sleep, he is gripping your ankle with one of his foot. Like, you literally cannot leave the nest because he holds you tight right there. If you try you’ll end up falling off the nest with your leg still on top of it and you’ll have to use your stomach muscles to get back on, because he'll NOT remove his foot to help you, you wanted to leave? Take responsibility. And no matter the position you’ll sleep in, when he’s fast asleep, he’ll just match the position to be able to grab at your ankle. No hands holding, just ankle/foot holding!

[galaxyedging]

Frankie Morales x f!reader (I guess, written in the third person, no name or description).

WC:2.3k

Summary: Frankie and his wife deal with a rough patch.

Warnings: Angst. Mum guilt. Neurodivergent mum guilt. Relationshio break down. Talk of drug use, withdrawal, smut, and body insecurities. Fluffy ending to recover.

The Weight of the World

Frankie didn't want this to be the last memory of her in their house. Her eyes red rimmed, and blood shot as she carried the last of her things downstairs. The kid's stuff had already been taken over to her mother's, along with his daughters. He didn't want this memory burned into his brain, but he could tear his eyes away from her. He wanted every moment he could get with her.

When he had come home early to find her packing, she had reassured him she just needed some space to clear her head. He tried not to panic too much. This past year had been hard. A newborn in the house, a toddler too, the failed mission, Frankie's relapse, she had been strong through it all. She stood in the kitchen at 3am, ignoring the milk leaking through her shirt to care for him while he tried to work through the worst of his withdrawal. Her warm hand stroked his cheek while she held a cool cloth to his neck to sooth his headache. She took every ounce of bile he'd throw at her when his insomnia and mood swings turned him into a version of himself that he hoped she'd never see. She took it all on her shoulders and carried both of them through it. 

When he was in his right mind again, he apologised to her, kissed her like he could kiss away all the pain he caused. She always told him she understood and not to worry because if he ever truly did anything to wrong her, she would leave. Until then, she wasn't going anywhere.

It was only when he offered to keep the baby with him so she could rest, only for her to quickly shut him down, did he worry that this could be a more permanent arrangement. That she'd finally had all he could take from him. His stomach sank as he dropped to his knees. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he begged her not to go. He pressed his head tightly to her stomach, the same place he pressed it to hear their children growing inside of her. He held her tight as if he could press all the pieces of their shattering marriage back together. Like he could hold them here in this moment, as all the ones after this terrified him. 

"I have to go, Frankie." She couldn't even look him in the eye as she rolled her suitcase out of the front door. He sat on the floor where she left him until the night drew in. The house was left in darkness. The wind blew through the house, it was only when the wind threw the door wide open, Frankie stood, slamming it shut with all the energy he could muster in his weary muscles. It was a little after 2am when he pulled out his phone.

A text from Frankie came through on her phone. 'Can I see you tomorrow?'

The knot that sat low in her gut twisted further. She didn't have the energy for this. That's why she had left. There was just so much for her to balance.

Frankie was doing well. He had a new job. He was doing so well, they had him working overtime. She missed him at home but it was worth it to see Frankie back in his element. His confidence was back, there was a spring in his step now he thought he was providing his girls with what they needed. He still didn't believe that all they needed was him. She didn't want to give him anything to worry about until she knew there was something to worry about. Not that it was a worry, things would be fine, wouldn't they? She huffed to herself. How could she explain her guilt, her grief when she didn't understand herself? She knew the world wouldn't see her daughter as perfect as she did. That was a parent's love. It was the thought that people might see her as wrong or broken, that tore her up inside. There was nothing wrong with her beautiful baby, it was the world that was wrong.

The best thing was to wait to see what the specialist said. That was the smart thing right? She was doing it to protect Frankie, that's what she kept telling herself. Pushing down the thought that she was really protect herself. What if Frankie didn't understand her concerns? What if Frankie looked at his daughter differently? He didn't grow up with an Autistic sibling. He didn't grow up seeing the struggles and challenges. He didn't watch the grief of someone he loved trying to find their place in the world. He only knew the version of her brother now. A successful game developer with a husband and two beautiful children.

As she lay down to sleep, her brain couldn't rest. It jumped from one fear to another. What if Frankie was happier with her gone? As far as she knew he was happy in their marriage, she was. The was the tiny niggle of their sex life that had taken a serious hit, between having two babies close together, Frankie's drug habit, her insecurities about her post baby body. For a couple that were always physically affectionate, with very healthy sex drives, it was a bit of worry. Not that it affected their relationship at all, they just accepted it as a normal part of parenthood. As she lay there at 4am though it was a massive concern. Along with every other tiny problem in her life.

Eventually she fell asleep, only to be woken a few hours later by a call from Frankie. Burying her head in the pillow she ignored it. She hated the thought of Frankie being upset. The look on his face and his pleas when she left were burned into her memory. Sitting up in the bed she decided to go talk to him. Her mom had told her she would take the kids out this morning while she slept. A few minutes later, just as she was about to step into the shower, a knock came at the bathroom door. 

"Hey. Your mom let me in when she left for the park. Can we talk?" Her stomach rolled. She wanted him to hold her so badly, to feel safe in the comfort of his arms, when she felt anything but safe in her own head. Wrapping a towel around herself, she opened the door, throwing herself at him before breaking down. Frankie cradled her to his chest, shushing her until she could speak. "I'm so sorry, Frankie."

"Shhh. It's fine. We're fine. Just tell me what happened. Why did you need to leave? What did I do?" Of course Frankie's self doubt would creep in. 

"Nothing! Nothing at all, Mi Amor." She held his face in her hands, dotting kisses all over his face. "You haven't done a thing. This is all me."

"You? Now I really am worried." He tried to joke. "What's going on, Hermosa?"

"There are some things I've noticed about Lili."

"What about her? Is she sick?" The panic in his voice broke her heart. 

How had she been so dramatic about this? Frankie was an amazing father. He loved their daughters with all his heart. 

"No, no, she's fine. Just about her development."

Frankie let out a relieved sigh. "She's not meeting her milestones in the time frame most kids do? Her reaction to sounds and people? You think she might be Autistic?" Her mouth hung open. She couldn't find the words. Frankie didn't seem shocked or bothered in the slightest. He continued, "Your mom's Dyslexic, your brother has Autism, or is Autistic, sorry, I don't know what wording he prefers. You've said you think you have some stuff in the mix. I knew there was a chance our babies might need some support in this world, so I did some reading up while we were trying."

Somehow, his understanding made her cry even harder. "I'm so messed up, Frankie. I feel guilty, like I did something bad to her even though I know there's nothing bad about her. Then, I feel even more guilty. I am a horrible person?"

"Baby, there is not a horrible bone in your body! I get it. You don't think I worried about the role genes play in addiction? I worry about giving her an extra challenge in life. It doesn't mean I would change her for the world."

A moment of clarity washed over her. That was exactly it the feeling she hadn't put into words. She felt bad that she might have given her daughter an extra challenge in a world that can be cruel. If she pulled at that thread though should she feel guilty about having daughters? Woman didn't have it great in this world. Or feel guilty about them not being white? Racism still very much exists. 

Their daughters were beautiful, inside and out. Of course she was going to worry, that's what mom's do. Any child's future is filled with all sorts of uncertainty to keep their parents up at night. The mom guilt was something she'd just have to learn to rein in. Since Lili was born, at various points she had regretted every decision she had ever made in life when she found out they didn't live in a great school area. When she had to wait a little longer to see a doctor because of their health care options, she felt guilty that she hadn't been more successful, so they could afford better care or that she hadn't thought about moving somewhere with free health care. Name anything that had gone even slightly wrong in her daughter's short life and she had probably had a disproportionate guilty reaction to it.

The sobbing finally stopped. "I'm so sorry Frankie. I just got all up in my head. I didn't want to worry you. I felt like I'd done something wrong. I was scared how you'd react. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it all."

"That's why you have to tell me these things. Let me be the strong one for a little while, give your shoulders a rest." He turned her in his arms. His strong hands kneaded at her tense shoulders.

Sighing contentedly, she relaxed into his touch. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Frankie muttered against her skin as stared pressing kisses along the still tense muscles of her neck.

Slowly her muscles unwound until she could truly enjoy his touch. "Frankie?"

He hummed against that spot just behind her ear. 

"The girls are out until after lunch. That's a lot of time to ourselves." She pulled his arms around her waist so he was flush to her back, his broad form pressing into her almost naked one.

"It is." She felt his lips curl into a smirk. "And I know exactly how to spend it."

Suddenly, his warmth disappeared. When she popped her head out of the bathroom, Frankie walked passed with her bags. He was quickly out of sight and down the stairs. She blinked at him when he returned. "What? I'm taking you home and never letting you go again. Was that all your stuff?"

"Yes…" she began

"Good." He cut her off. "One last thing."

"Frankie!" She giggled as he picked her up in his arms. 

"Let's go." He lifted her higher in his arms. 

"Frankie, I'm practically naked!" She continued to giggle.

"I know. Whatever you put on, I'm just going to pull off the second we get home. Fuck, I've missed you." He kissed her again with more heat than relief.

"I've missed you, too. That's no excuse for me leaving in just a towel."

"Fine. You don't have to leave in just a towel." He pulled off his cap and placed it on her head. "Better?"

"Yes. Much. It really brings the towel outfit together."

"If I let you get you dressed you promised to do it super quick so I can get you home?"

"Yes. I still want to take a shower though, I feel gross after crying."

"Oh, Baby." He kissed her forehead tenderly. "Okay." He turned to leave.

"Hey, I didn't say I had to shower alone." She playfully slapped his ass with his cap. 

Frankie looked a little sheepish when he turned around. "At your mom's house?"

She couldn't help but laugh at his sweet, boyish, little face. "Do you think you are the first boy I would have fooled around with under this roof?"

Frankie started to strip off his clothes at a comical speed. "I might not be the first but I'll be the last."

"You will." Tears pricked her eyes.

"Sshhh. Hey. I'm not that bad to put up with." He wrapped his strong arms around her.

"You're never bad, Frankie, and I never feel like I put up with you. You are the best husband and father anyone could ask for. I'm sorry I was too in my own head to remember that."

"I'm sorry. Maybe if I was reminding you more than you are the best wife and mother you wouldn't have got so in your own head."

"So maybe we both need to remind each other now and then?"

"That sounds like a plan." He kissed her nose sweetly. "While we're at it. There is another title you forgot along with 'husband' and 'father'."

"What?" Her face fell in confusion.

"Pussy Eating King or did you forget?" He manoeuvred to his knees.

"Oh no. I did. Maybe you should remind me."

For the second time in twenty-four hours, Frankie was brought to his knees by his wife. In his heart, he knew he would live on his knees for her. He would crawl on broken glass for her and their little family. He made a promise to himself that she would never be on her knees again. He would never let the weight of the world on her shoulders force her down again. He would be there to carry any burden. Even if it was the heaviness of her own thoughts.

[freakshowtwopointoh]

Updates

I currently have 5 long form fics thought up in my brain. If you sent in requests, I'm thinking about them always! If you send in more requests, I'll get to them as inspiration strikes. I work full time and have the brain of a baby so I don't take demands lol <3 but song fic ideas, starter lines, other ideas, anything really!

All I've Ever Known, my Luke's little sister fic, has four more chapters left to be posted, including an epilogue.

Cross The Line, my toxic!ballet Jordan Li fic, has 17 more chapters left to be posted. It's so slow burn lmao but it is fully outlined. ive been taking it slow because its a bit harder to write.

Next to Normal, my punk band/normal college au, is going to be another high effort slow burn fic. I have over 30 chapters outlined, and I plan to do third person following both of them in each chapter (so each chapter will have a Jordan bit and a Marie bit). I've been focusing more heavily on this recently because I feel as though I need to work on conveying characterization through voice in my writing (fjdsaklfsajklaj i am not a real writer lol but like -- characters are hard and so i wanted to work on a story without an oc for a bit). If you have any fun, fluffy college moments that you personally enjoyed or that you want to see in this fic, please please please send them to me! Part of the challenge I gave myself for this fic was to try to incorporate a balance of fun and angst in each chapter. Forcing myself to actually write scenes lol.

Out of the Woods, my throuple fic, is on the backburner at the moment, mainly because I don't feel like I'm quite equipped to write it at the moment. My OCs powers are weird, and the plot is a bit... all over the place. It's doable, I just need to massage the story bits in my brain for awhile.

The Spy Who Loved Me, is the heist/spy limoreau fic that I dreamed up awhile back. It is really more of a vibe than an outlined story, so it's definitely at the bottom of my priorities.

If you were following back when I posted the other throuple fic, no you weren't. dfjskaldfjkal i honestly do not like that fic and probably wont go back to fix it. i like barely even tried.

Each of the long form fics is posted chapter by chapter as I get the energy to write - its posted here, AO3, and Wattpad. I did have someone editing some of my stuff, but they've been busy so I've been on my own for this stuff.

[collin-thegreat]

Welcome To my blog

I'm Collin, I'm 19 woooo

I have a reblog account now please follow it, it's @collin-reblogs

just your regular emo, weeb chick, thats also a simp for anime men.

I update this post anytime i finish a draft as well as new characters and games are out/leaked

I refuse to interact with Minors and ageless blogs because I don't feel comfortable interacting with these types of blogs they will be blocked as well, my old content may not have mentioned "minors do not interact" but that doesn't mean interact with any of my content if you are one.

I consider minors as below 18

I will though write fluff and platonic stuff for minors but please don't ask for smut I really don't feel comfortable writing smut for minors

I started out writing on wattpad I still do write on wattpad (I have a few fanfics)

this is a blog about mostly anime, and I will eventually be writing fanfics, one-shots for many anime guys and girls requests are closed since I don't have my laptop atm and I have 7 drafts I need to finish. I take brainrots😝, fluff, smut, not big on angst but I will write angst for certain characters, for these guys, girls, and more.

There are characters from some of these below that I will only write platonic and fluff and maybe angst (depending on the character you choose) cuz I don't feel comfortable doing any smut for them cuz I do not see them as someone other than innocent

Jujutsu Kaisen

Gojo Satoru done- birthday drabble Toji Fushiguro Nanami Kento in progress- Nsfw Headcanons Megumi Fushiguro Sukuna Ryomen done- nsfw headcanons Naoyo Zenin Toge Inumaki yuuta Itadori Yuuji Nobara Ino Shiu Hakari geto Choso Mei Mei Maki Zenin Mai Zenin

Haikyuu

Sakusa Kiyoomi (my mans/daddy) done- sfw headcanons done- NSFW headcanons done- part1 of sakusa birthday one-shot Atsumu Miya (pretty boy #3) Osamu Miya (Better twin) in progress- NSFW Headcannons Kita Shinsuke(pretty boy #4) Suna Rintarou(pretty fox boy) done- NSFW Headcanons done- SFW Headcannons futakuchi Aone Oikawa Tooru(pretty door) Terushima(daddy) Ushijima Wakatoshi(Buff daddy#1) Iwaizumi Hajime(buff daddy #2) in progress- NSFW Headcannons Done- Music Drabble Bokuto Koutoru (buff daddy #3) Daichi (Buff Daddy #4) Yaku done- Music drabble Kuroo Tetsuro(daddy rooster) Done: music drabble Akaashi Keiji (Pretty boy #1) Yamamoto done- Music drabble Kageyama Tobio(Pretty boy #2) Tendou Satori (Kinnie #1) Semi Semi Daishou Lev Sugawara Done- sfw/fluffy headcanons Tsukishima (salt boyo) Kenma done- music drabble shoyo (platonic only. this could change in the future) if you want others request

Naruto

Kakashi itachi sasuke naruto

Fairy tale

gray fullbuster natsu dragoneel rogue sting laxsus Mira Cana Erza Sting cobra/eric lyon gajeel juvia jallal

Obey Me

Lucifer done- sfw headcanons done- nsfw headcanons Diavolo levi mammon Beelzebub done- Nsfw Headcanons belphie barbatos satan solomon asmo simeon luke (PLATONIC ONLY)

Spy x Family

Loid yor

Demon Slayer

Muzan akaza douma tanjiro inosuke shinobu rengoku uzui obanai giyuu zenitsu kanea

Balance Unlimited

Daisuke Haru

Mha

Bakugou not done- sfw headcanons not done- NSFW headcanons Shoto Dabi hawks Aizawa midoriya denki kirishima Overhaul Shinsou twice tamaki monoma Present Mic Tetsutetsu Shindo Sero Ojiro will add more when I get the drafts done❤

attack on titan

Levi Ackerman done- sfw headcanons done- NSFW headcanons Eren Jaegar mikasa Erwin Hanji

bungo stray dogs

Osamu Dazai Chuuya Atsushi Ranpo Akutagawa Doppo

hunter x hunter

Chrollo hisoka illumi feitan gon (platonic only) Killua (Platonic only)

Nijisanji En

Vox Akuma Ike Eveland Ren Zotto done- NSFW headcanons Uki Shu Lucien Cassien Luca done- clingy reader on period fluff Mysta Aster Sonny Hex Haywire Fulgar Alban Doppio Ver Vanta Claude shoto zali Yugo Kyo(platonic only) the girls are only platonic that's why I didn't put them but I will write anything platonic for the girls

Genshin boys

Zhongli done- NSFW headcanons

Diluc Xiao Kinich Gaming Sethos Neuvillette Wriothesley done- NSFW headcanons razor(Platonic only) albedo kazuha Kaeya Childe Alhaitham Itto Wanderer Kaveh Cyno Gorou(Platonic only) Ayato Capitano Dainsleif pantanlone Zandik(Dottore)

Tokyo Ghoul

Ken Kaneki Touka Kirishima Hideyoshi Ayato Kirishima Koutarou if there are more you want just ask

Honkai Star rail Boys

blade dan Heng dan heng imbibitor Lunae Gepard Sampo in progress- Nsfw Headcanons Jing Yuan Dr. Ratio Aventurine

Argenti Jiaoqui Moze

Luka

Loucha

Sunday Welt boothill

Gallagher will add more to this one once I know and figure out their names

Seraph of the end

Guren Ferid Shinya Crowley

Wuthering waves

Jiyan

Scar

geshulin

Calcharo

will put names once I know the names of them

Love and Deepspace Boys

Sylus 🦇 Zayne❄ Raphael 🐠 Xavier💫🌟

if you have more just DM me and request

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

[dummerjan]

Vegas' Unconventional Torture Methods (27475 words) by Arvari Chapters: 16/16 Fandom: รักโคตรร้ายสุดท้ายโคตรรัก | KinnPorsche: The Series (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Pete Phongsakorn Saengtham/Vegas Kornwit Theerapanyakun Characters: Vegas Kornwit Theerapanyakun, Pete Phongsakorn Saengtham, and Vegas' poor innocent bodyguard, Macau Theerapanyakun Additional Tags: Some Humor, Fluff and Humor, Vegas Kornwit Theerapanyakun is So Whipped, Vegas Kornwit Theerapanyakun Needs a Hug, (and he's gonna get many of them), Soft Vegas Kornwit Theerapanyakun, Pete tearing down all of Vegas' defenses simply by existing, don't take this fic too seriously guys, I just needed some humor to balance the show's angst, Safe House Domestic Bliss Summary: “I’m gonna kill you, Pete,” Vegas snarls, pointing a finger at him. “One day, I’m gonna fucking kill you!” Pete stuffs some more noodles into his mouth and nods, smiling brightly, as if he’s calling him out on his bullshit. Vegas takes a deep breath, storms out of the room and slams the door shut behind him. Let the idiot choke on his stupidly spicy food! Who is he to insinuate that Vegas won’t really kill him? How dares he?! Vegas is… Vegas! The heir of the minor family! And he will not be defeated by some silly little bodyguard with more sass than self-preservation instinct. He. Will. Not! *** In which Vegas desperately tries to convince himself and everyone around that yes, he is still torturing Pete, and no, he is definitely NOT falling for Pete, and YES, he's still the fearsome Vegas, he just happens to be stuck in this stupid safe house with his stupid high-maintenance prisoner. Maybe Pete isn't really the one getting tortured here. Poor Vegas won't even know what hit him…

Fanfic rec for @kprecfest This is one of the funniest KP fics I've read. It's pure crack and silliness while also being soft and fluffy. Vegas keeps trying to convince himself and everyone else that he is indeed torturing Pete in very creative and effective ways while losing control over the situation and falling head over heels in love. It's absolutely hilarious.

[avrablake]

This or That Tag

Thanks for the tag @talesofsorrowandofruin

I've done this one before but it's been a while so I'll do it again.

Historical or Futuristic?

I like both. I probably read historical fiction (or fantasy with a historical vibe) more than I read futuristic sci-fi.

Beyond the Darkness is a bit of a mix. There's sci-fi elements but some of the towns and culture a historical feel

Opening or Closing Chapter?

Closing chapter for sure. I usually know where I want my characters to end up, just not how to get there. I feel like there's a lot more expectation for opening chapters to be just right, so I feel a lot of pressure writing them.

Light and Fluffy or Dark and Gritty?

I love when light and fluffy balances out the dark and gritty. I don't like when there's too much of either one.

Hard or Soft Magic System?

Soft. And that holds true both for reading and for writing.

Stand-Alone or Series?

This wip was supposed to be a standalone! I was set on it. I'm only going to write one book.

I like the idea of a series of standalone and that's what I'm going for now. Each book is connected but each book could be read on their own. Basically it's not a series with a continuous plot.

I don't mind reading series of course but often they end up dragging on longer than they need to I think.

One Project at a Time or Always Juggling 2+?

One project at a time. I am pretty focused on my main wip and only dabble in the occasional scene for other wips. Technically my other wips (except for one) are prequels for my main wip so you could still count that as all one project.

Fantasy or Sci-Fi?

I tend to be drawn to fantasy more than scifi when I am reading or watching something. I really enjoy fantasy with a touch of scifi though.

BtD is not quite fantasy and not quite scifi. I'm not sure what it is but I think it leans more scifi than fantasy.

Character or Setting Description?

I am not good with descriptions. I can tell you everything my characters are thinking and feeling but I'm less good at telling you what they are doing, where they are doing it, and what any of it looks like.

First or Final Draft?

First draft for sure. Word vomiting onto the page, making up whatever I want because I can. That's the good stuff.

Editing is the bane of my existence. Am I making it better or making it worse? I can't tell anymore.

Love Triangle in Everything or No Romantic Arcs?

I would rather have no romantic arcs. I love friendship and found family. Not a big fan of love triangles, in particular when it's the the whole "choosing between my best friend and the hot guy who is mean to me" with all the angst and the drama.

Constant Sandstorm or Rainstorm?

My dearest mother @sleepyowlwrites named me Rainstorm. The sound of rain is one of my favorite sounds. I would miss the sun if the rain never stopped though.

I would not survive a constant sandstorm. Death by allergies.

Tagging @zmwrites @kaiusvnoir @blind-the-winds and leaving an open tag for anyone who wants to do this.

If you've already answered this for yourself you can use it to describe your wip vibes

[cangrellesteponme]

13, 14, and 19 for the writing asks!

What feedback did you receive for your writing that stuck with you?

This is going to sound very stupid, but what haunts me is the importance of making your work readable.

How well or shittily you write doesn't matter if your work is an ugly wall of text that no one will read. I was taught about that in detail when I was around 11 (harsh teachers...), and then I was told how to do it a bit better when I was 13. As you know, I'm 20, so... yeah never forgetting that.

But yeah, learn from me (and my French teachers) and fix your format. Prescriptivism is inherently wrong and all but if you want to listen, or at least know the rules before you break them, it's easy.

A new idea is a new paragraph. Dialogue is a new paragraph. Use the right quotation marks for your language. Use the right dialogue format too. Free Indirect Speech or Thought is a new paragraph unless it actually fits into the idea you're developing (and italicise that shit, for the love of god, unless you're intentionally making it unclear). Use your tenses correctly (English literally has two. Just pick one and stick to it, or if you want to switch it up, do so only if it actually adds to your storytelling).

This is like, some basic Writing Format 101, and I have a lot more things to say (especially as someone who has corrected, proofread, and reviewed a fuckton of writing from their peers) but that would take hours.

What is something that you feel weird/uncomfortable writing about?

Plenty of things, actually.

We all know that I only write sex scenes if I'm paid to do it, so there's that. I may fit the "all aces write good smut" cliché but I am not willing, okay.

But also writing very emotional characters is out of my comfort zone. For Open The Door, I wrote from Virgil's (the literal embodiment of anxiety) POV and through the whole thing I was like "what does severe anxiety even feel like... i think i'm actually writing sensory overload there let me fix that... oh no that's PTSD... eh, that works" because I'm simply not a very anxious person. And I struggle with big emotions in general for the same reason - I'm just a very repressed rational bitch.

I also have a hard time writing empathy, comfort, and all those complex... social things. I'm not talking in terms of skill, or ability - I mean that I'm honestly just not having a great time with those things because it takes so much effort (but I balance it out with more fun stuff! like heartbreaking angst <3).

Show us the line you want readers to remember from your story.

I'll answer this for Staring Contest, obviously.

It has to be one of those two:

"Baldroy does not like many things about many people, but today he decides that he particularly hates the way Sebastian Michaelis looks at their young master."

"There’s something fragile and worn, a breath away from breaking, bubbling under the surface but ready to cool down in a second."

Obviously, Staring Contest has no dialogue (except one line from Ciel, because I simply couldn't be bothered to change it) and a very honest focaliser, which kind of restricted my ability to hide the truth in a bunch of lies so I had to work a lot with omissions.

With the first line, I think what I'm implying is obvious (even the second, more disturbing layer of it also is. i mean we've all read the manga. canon seb is a creep), and I want the reader to keep that in mind, for reasons similar to the second line. For the second one, I wanted it to be a sweet, memorable line with just a hint of carefully sprinkled pain.

For both of those, what you should remember is that appearances or suddenly developed feelings of paternal affection don't matter - this is still a dangerous demon whose sole intent is to get that dinner. The affection is fragile not only because it's new, but also because it can and will be crushed if needed. Both of those line highlight, in different ways, how fucked up this all is. But yeah it's all hidden in the fluffy dadbastian vibes.

[tonberry-yoda]

🍱 Do you read your own fics?

🍣 What helps you focus or get in the mood to write?

🍚 What genre do you have the toughest time writing?

🍜 Do you ever feel pressured to write?

thanks for sending some questions in!! hope you're well <3333

Do you read your own fics?

Sometimes yeah! I like seeing what my old writing was like or just reading a piece I was really proud of to get some inspo!!

What helps you focus or get in the mood to write?

So I write all the time. It's my major, so I really don't wanna burn myself out. Usually, I just write. I just sit down and write. I don't really need any prep, but something that does help for some reason is my mechanical keyboard. I love the sound of it and it really inspires me to write so I can have the feeling of it lolol. I also love reading other people's fics sometimes for inspo!

What genre do you have the toughest time writing?

Oh gosh, good question! See, I love writing fluff and angst, however, I suck at heavy angst. Not that I suck at writing it, I just such at it if that makes sense. I can pump out the best heavy angst writing, but really need to take a breath afterwards. I have huge trouble with writing fight scenes and really bloody scenes and stuff like that, so I pretty much avoid it lol. It's more about the mental than the actual writing. I don't wanna feel burnt out from a really bad piece. Usually I'll turn angst SUPER fluffy at the end.

Do you ever feel pressured to write?

YES. OMG YES. It's scary sometimes when I go to my inbox and find really old asks in there because I feel like I'm letting people down. I also have a class where I'm expected to write all the time and have something new and that can be pretty pressuring. HOWEVER! There is a good side to this! The writing world is full of deadlines and I'm getting used to that pressure and even deciding when I feel like writing something or not. Here on Tumblr, my biggest pressure was probably matchups, but I won't be doing those for my future of opening requests along with some fandoms. I feel like being able to set my boundaries has made it feel a lot less pressured and everyone here has been so kind and I am so thankful for that!!! I don't feel super pressured now and I am even prepared to get some requests open while also writing some stuff I want to write and that will balance happiness really well!

thanks so much again <333

[silvormoon]

💕 for wider Boueibuverse? If possible? If too much, pick one series you want to cover!

Thanks :D

Ohhh, boy, we are opening a can of worms!

Boueibu

KinAtsu - This is the major one for me. I love this ship. They are just so sweet together, and they are just such a fun ship to work with because you can do so much with them. Whether I want to do fluffy domestic stuff or have all kinds of angst and drama, these guys can provide. Good ship, 10/10.

IoRyuu - This is good, but it is the vanilla of Boueibu ships. It's inoffensive, it goes with pretty much everything, it's even enjoyable on its own, but it's not the most exciting thing we have on offer. Fine, but not my go-to choice.

AkoIo - Now we're getting into the more exciting stuff. There's just something fascinating to me about Akoya's crush on Io. There are just so many angles to the dynamic - Akoya's pride versus his vulnerability, Io's avarice versus his kinder side, the way the two of them being together would mess with the dynamic they have with Ryuu… just endless possibility for fun there.

AkoRyuu - The same kind of fun approached from a different direction. This time we've got their ongoing rivaly lending an edge to what could be a budding attraction. I really want to observe Ryuu realizing how vulnerable Akoya is to flattery and just using it shamelessly to reduce Akoya to a helpless puddle any time he feels like it, and poor Akoya just can't stop himself from coming back for more. Solid choice.

IbuKin - Sweet but with interesting nuances. This is one of those things you could do and make it very wholesome, or then again, you could turn it a few degrees to the left and suddenly you've got some whacked out power dynamics going on. Fun to play with!

Ako/Io/Ryuu - Honestly I think they work best as a threesome. They balance each other so nicely. No matter who needs what, there's always someone in the set who can either provide stimulation or reassurance to the other as needed. I really have a hard time envisioning them other way.

IbuKinAtsu - Because Kinshiro is so emotionally damaged, he might as well have two boyfriends propping up his poor sensitive emotions.

Gora/Beppus - I am just fascinated by how bonkers this whole relationship is. Like, on the one hand, you've got these kids. They apparently have no mother, an absent father, no close friends, but this one time there was this guy who risked his life to save them and was so gentle and kind to them that they could never forget him: the one person to ever show them real unconditional love. And he's a superhero! He's on TV! He's famous! And he paid attention to them! And then this little squirrel comes along and uses that against them - teaches them that love is conditional and the only way they can ever attain the affection of the person they're obsessed with is to hold themselves to an impossible standard of perfection, but if they're good and do all the difficult and degrading things demanded of them, they can have that love as a reward. And then, at the moment they get knocked off their pedestals - the moment they see as their greatest failure - they meet this guy they've been dreaming about, and he tells them that it's okay. They don't have to be perfect. All he ever asked of them was for them to grow up safe and healthy, and they did that. Nothing more is required. He's loved them all along, and they just didn't know it. No wonder they burst into tears. And then on the other hand you've got this guy who has lived his life in the service of other people. He's been single-handedly raising his brother, looking after the Kurotama, and saving the world all at the same time. What's it going to be like when these two who are so famous and accomplished and popular become part of his life, and he realizes that these celebrities whom other people would do anything to get close to, just want to be close to him? Heady stuff, I'll bet. Anyway, I don't think they're likely to start dating or anything any time soon, because I think it will be quite some time before the twins can manage to do much more around their idol but stand around gazing in awe, but I'd be interested to see where things are ten years later.

Happy Kiss

Kyotaro/Ata - I mean, that's the obvious one. They wanted for so long to be friends again and just couldn't figure out how to get there. I hope now that they've managed to open up the lines of communication they will be happier.

Kyotaro/Ryouma - I know this seems like it ought to be unbalanced but I don't think it's as bad as all that. Yes, Ryouma seems to spend a lot of time looking after Kyo, but I feel like he is a very anxious person and Kyotaro is his source of security. He's a grounding influence. Just look how sweet and gentle he is with him over that whole cake-eating business in the dice episode.

Ata/Ryouma - Whyyyy didn't these two interact more in canon?

Nanao/Ryouma - Anything to do with Nanao is fun, really. He's a very shippable character.

Nanao/Ichiro - This one is even funner. Ichiro doesn't just bring out Nanao's sadistic side, he seems to positively enjoy it.

Taiju/Nanao - Probably the only "healthy" relationship option for Nanao. Pretty sure Taiju can take whatever he dishes out and throw it right back to him. Which, in a way, takes some of the fun out of things, but it still works.

Ichiro/Taishi - The Ryuu/Io of HK but not as well developed. At least it's fun watching them argue constantly about everything.

Maasa/Taishi - Not just for the line about how Maasa thinks the nerdy ones are cute, but because both of them understand what it is to feel like they have to turn themselves into other people to satisfy some form of social pressure. They should hang out more.

Furanui/Maasa - Not sure how to explain the fascination with this one. Maybe because they're both very repressed characters in their way. They would probably find ways of appealing to each other's baser natures in entertaining ways. (Anyway it seems like magic could solve a lot of Maasa's problems.)

Kyotaro/Karls - I feel like Kyotaro is the only person who really takes Kyo seriously, in terms of recognizing that he is in fact a very capable individual when he has a mind to be, and finding ways to make him use that. They have a good vibe together.

Bonus Content: Robby/Hatchi - Because they're part of the Boueibuverse too, kinda! Anyway, I don't care what anyone says, they're canon and no one is going to convinve me otherwise. I've gotta finish writing that sequel to "Until He Gets Back" someday.

[nowandajenn]

Can i ask for a fic wich chris and reader had a fight and broke up and chris really want to take her back but can't find her because she was mad and change her adress and number but he didn't give up and finally find her but also find out that she has their new born Triplet ?!

So I’m finally just now getting around to writing this, and I apologize for it taking so long to get done! I did decide to make it twins instead of triplets, because triplets is a fucking lot lol. I hope you still enjoy it!

Not proofread. All mistakes are my own. 

It had taken months to find you. After the break up, you had essentially become a ghost. You changed your phone number, you moved, and it seemed like nobody knew where you had gone, and the ones that did know sure as hell weren’t about to tell him how to find you. He had been a complete idiot; going to lunch with Jenny and spending time with her while he had a girl that he was slowly falling in love with waiting for him. They had such a strong history together though, and so many memories shared together, that he couldn’t seem to just walk away from it all. 

Of course, they had been snapped out at a restaurant together, talking and laughing, and it wasn’t long until the pictures hit the internet and your friends and family had been blowing up your phone, asking what the hell was going on. Your relationship with Chris was still fairly new, as you’d only been seeing each other for about eight months or so, and you were trying to enjoy just being with Chris and being happy while also worrying that you were a rebound for him after he and his ex had broken up a second time.

Chris had come home later that evening with flowers for you, only to find you going around the house packing up all of the stuff that you had kept there. He had recently been bringing up you moving in with him since you spent most of your time there anyway, but you felt like it was too soon, and you didn’t know if he was quite as ready for that step as he said he was. Now you were really glad that you had held off. 

The two of you had stood there and fought and argued, you telling him that you deserved more than to just be a rebound to try and help him get over the girl who he once claimed was “the love of his life” and you weren’t going to stick around if he was going to go behind your back and spend time with her and try and rekindle things for a third time. You told him that he was an idiot to think that the third time would be the charm when it hadn’t worked out the first two times they’d been together. He tried to explain that even though they had broken up, he still cared about her and just because they spent time together didn’t mean that they were getting back together. He told you that you absolutely were not a rebound, and he was falling in love with you, but you weren’t hearing it. You had picked up your duffel bag, and with a kiss to his cheek and hugging Dodger around the neck and stifling a small sob into his fur, you had walked out of his life. 

It didn’t take long to see what a huge idiot he had been, and how wrong he had been to see Jenny and not tell you about it or have any sort of conversation about it. He hated that you had been blindsided, and he hated that he made you feel like he was using you as a distraction or something to fill the void left after Jenny left. He tried to text you and call you, but all the texts were left on “delivered” and you would reject his calls, until one day he tried calling you and a stranger answered and told Chris that he had the wrong number. He finally psyched himself up enough to try and swing by your apartment to see if you would at least see him and let him try and apologize, but when he showed up, your apartment was empty and the landlord said that you had moved out and hadn’t left a forwarding address. He was heartbroken. He had tried talking to your friends, but they were unfailingly loyal to you, and wouldn’t tell him anything. 

It had taken just over seven months, and a lot of failed tries, but he finally had an address in his hand. It was in Chicago, where you had grown up, and he had booked the first flight that he could. He wasn’t sure if you would slam the door in his face or punch him or even open the door to him, but he had to try. If he didn’t, he knew he’d regret it. 

Chris takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, nerves suddenly overtaking him and making his stomach turn itself into knots. After a few seconds, he knocks again and hears a male voice yell “Coming!” His heart drops, immediately assuming that you had moved on from him and he lost his shot. 

The door swings open, and he’s surprised to see an older man, probably in his mid 50s, standing in the doorway. 

“Can I help you?” 

“Uh.....sorry, I think I have the wrong address. I was looking for y/n y/l/n. I’m Chris.” 

The man steps forward onto the porch, making Chris fall back a couple steps. 

“Oh, I know exactly who you are. You’re the one my daughter wouldn’t shut up about for a few months, and then never wanted to speak about again.”

Chris swallows hard, his mouth dry as the desert and feeling a little scared, because  your dad looks kind of mean and like he could lay him out if he wanted to. Your dad turns around and walks back into the house, slamming the door behind him. 

He exhales hard and turns around to walk back to his rental car. 

“That went about as well as I thought it would.” he mutters to himself. 

He’s halfway back to the car when he hears your front door open. He looks up and his breath catches when he sees you standing there, your arms crossed over your chest. You’re wearing a pair of jean shorts that show off your legs and a baggy Tshirt, your hair thrown up in a messy bun. You look like you’ve gained a little bit of weight since the last time he saw you, but it looks good on you. 

“Hey.” he breathes out. 

Your jaw clenches. “How did you find me?”

“Well, you didn’t make it easy. I had Josh track you down. It took a lot longer than I wanted it to. I would have been here about seven months ago if I had known where you were, but nobody would tell me.” 

You scoff. “Yet here you are. Because Chris Evans just doesn’t know when to give up.” 

He winces slightly, knowing that you’re not just referring to his search for you, but the whole thing with Jenny that caused your breakup. 

You both stand there in silence for a few minutes, unsure what to do next, when you breathe out a heavy sigh and wave your arm towards the house, gesturing for him to come in. 

“Come on. We have a lot to talk about.” you tell him.

Your dad shoots him a glare as you lead him into the house, and he swallows hard and follows you into the kitchen, taking your offer of a bottle of water and sitting at the table with you. He’s so focused on you that he doesn’t really take in his surroundings. If he did, what comes out of your mouth wouldn’t have almost shocked him into a heart attack. 

“I tried calling you a couple times over the past few months, but every time I did, I got your assistant, or a P.A. or someone else. I left a message with my number with someone, but I’m assuming that you never got it, or you just didn’t care.”

He shakes his head almost violently. “I never got it. I don’t know who you gave it to, but it never got back to me.” 

You lean back in your chair and take a deep breath. 

“About a month after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant.”

Chris is pretty sure his heart stops beating for a few seconds, and then he realizes that he’s holding his breath. He lets it out in a deep exhale and his heart starts hammering in his rib cage. 

“You.....we.......what?” he gasps.  

“The doctor said I was 7 or 8 weeks at the time. I......I was due to get another shot but I had been so busy that I forgot about it, and.....well. At first, I wasn’t sure I was even going to keep the baby, honestly. We had just broken up and I didn’t know if you even wanted kids right now, or with me, and it took me a while to come to terms with everything. I tried calling you once I decided that I was going to keep it. I knew you had a right to know, even though I was pissed at you and hurt.”

I look over and Chris is just staring at me, gaping like a fish. 

“So....you had a.....we have a.....” he takes a deep breath. “We have a baby?”

“Uh, well......I guess you must have some really strong sperm because we kind of.....have two.” 

Chris looks like he’s about to pass out, and I shove his bottle of water towards him and he drains the rest of it in one go. 

“Look, I don’t need anything from you. We’ll be okay. We’ve been staying here with my dad and he’s been helping out, and I’m getting help from the state. We never talked about having kids, and I know that this is just being dropped on you out of nowhere. If you want a paternity test, we can go today if you want. I’m not trying to trap you into anything or trick you. You have your own life and you’re.....well, you’re you. And I’m nobody. Nobody outside of your family and close friends even knew we were together.”

I know I’m rambling, but I’m nervous and I know I should just stop and let things sink in. We sit there in silence for a while, and I can tell that Chris’ brain is working to try and digest all of the new information and the fact that he’s a father twice over now. I need to do something to keep myself busy, because I can’t keep just sitting there in silence, so I go over to the sink and start washing dishes. 

Chris gets snapped out of his reverie when he hears a sharp cry ring out. He looks around wildly before realizing that it’s coming from a baby monitor on the kitchen counter. You drop the dish your holding in the soapy water and wipe your hands on a dish towel before turning and running upstairs. 

Chris isn’t even really sure he realizes that his feet are even moving before he finds himself upstairs in the doorway of the nursery. He stands there, feeling like his head is disconnected from the rest of his body, watching as you lean over the crib and lift out an impossibly tiny baby who can’t be more than a month old. 

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay.” you whisper, holding the baby against your chest. You turn around and see Chris standing there in the doorway, still looking shocked out of his skin. 

“Come here.” you say softly, beckoning him over. 

He walks over to the crib slowly, his eyes on the infant in your arms and then on the one still sleeping. 

“This is Steven Lucas Evans” you say softly, kissing the baby you’re holding on the forehead, “and that is Christopher Michael Evans.” 

Tears immediately fill his eyes and he inhales deeply, his breath stuttering. 

“How old are they?” 

“Three weeks and two days.” you tell him. 

Chris can’t keep his eyes from drifting in between his two sons, and not wanting to be left out, his namesake wakes up and starts making soft little noises. 

“Go ahead. Pick him up.” you tell him softly. 

“Yeah?” he asks. 

You nod. 

Chris leans over the crib and gently lifts Christopher out, holding him gently against his chest. He’s soft and perfect and has that amazing baby smell that drives people nuts, and Chris feels like his heart is about to explode. He walks a few steps over to you and gazes down at his other son, taking note of both babies’ bright blue eyes. 

“How can you love someone so much you’ve just met?” he breathes. 

You give a small, watery laugh. “I ask myself that every day.” 

Watching Chris with his baby sons is everything you didn’t know you needed. You told yourself that even if Chris didn’t want to be involved, you would get through it and you would be fine. But seeing him sitting in the cushy armchair in the nursery with a baby in each arm is more than you could have hoped for. 

“Tell me about when they were born.” Chris pleads. 

“I went into labor on the 23rd of last month, but they weren’t born until about 6pm the next night. I was in labor for about 20 hours. The doctor wanted to go in and get them, but I knew they’d come on their own time. Christopher was born first, and then 15 minutes later, Stevie showed up. He was screaming before he was even fully out.” 

He squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I wish I could have seen it.” 

“You still can.” 

You pull up a few videos on your phone from different stages of your labor, and one of Christopher being born and then Steven coming along. Tears are running down Chris’ face as he watches, and he’s laughing and crying at the same time, completely overwhelmed with emotion. You flip through a ton of pictures on your phone of you through the pregnancy, and then of labor, and the first pictures of you and the babies. 

“Can you sent these to me? Just....everything you have?” he asks. 

“Yeah. Not a problem.” 

After making bottles and feeding one while Chris feeds the other, a double diaper change, and laying them back down in the crib, you both sit back down. 

“You didn’t get two cribs?” Chris asks. 

“No. I couldn’t really afford two, and when we were in the hospital, they would cry if they weren’t near each other, so the nurses just put them both in the same bassinet and they would calm down. So it all worked out.” I tell him. 

“Come back to Massachusetts with me.” he blurts out. 

He says it so suddenly and with such conviction that I’m speechless for a minute. 

“Chris.....” 

“No, just please.....I love you. I love you and I was an idiot and you had every right to leave me. But being without you has been hell, and I don’t want to be without you. And I can’t go back and not have you or them there with me. I want to be there for everything. I want to see everything. I won’t let you do everything on your own. You don’t have to struggle and get state aid. You can move in with me, or I can get you an apartment close by........just......please come home with me.” 

“Chris, slow down. Listen, you’re their father. You can have as much access to them as you want. I’m not going to take them away from you or keep you from seeing them. That’s the last thing I want. But moving back to Boston......I don’t even have a job right now. I’ve been doing freelance articles for the last few months to get by. And we have all this stuff....and there’s furniture and......” 

“You can write from anywhere. You’re so talented; you’ll find a job in no time. I promise. Until then, I can take care of you guys. That’s my job now. As for all the stuff, I can get a UHaul trailer and we can drive back. Or I’ll get a moving company to move it and we can fly back. It doesn’t matter. We can make this work.” 

I can see the desperation in his eyes and how badly he wants this, and it’s enough to break my heart, and I don’t have it in me to tell him no. 

I sigh heavily. “We have a lot to work out and talk about.....but I don’t want you to miss out on anything with the boys. So.......I guess we’re taking a road trip.....with two infants........halfway across the country.” 

Chris grabs me and hugs me to him tightly. 

“It’ll be our first family vacation. I can’t wait for Mom to meet them. She’s going to lose her mind over them. And you.....she’s missed you so much. You have no idea the verbal ass kicking I got from her after you left.”

You smile. “Glad to know that a grown man is still afraid of his mommy.” 

 The Usual Suspects: @averyrogers83 @wordywarriorwrites @imanuglywombat @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @hlkwrites @reminiscingrogers @mom—nicole @jtargaryen18 @alexakeyloveloki @kelbabyblue @sarahp879 @moonlessnight14 @mojean13 @mrskokitztelford @artisticrogers1972 @southerngracela @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @mybesttobobcratchit @gracethegeek9902 @mdemontespan1667 @marvelfansworld @capslut2014 @dispatchvampire @jamielea81 @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety​ @nerdy-bookworm-1998​ @southerngracela​ @what-is-your-plan-today @letsdisneythings​ @theladybiers @lexeeehhh @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ @autumnrose40 @donutloverxo​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @jessaywahh-blog​@smediumsmeatbae @before-we-get-started​ @lizette50 @littlegasps @rageshots @what-is-your-backupplan-today @clairebubbles @patzammit @sweet--catrastophe @pandaxnienke @redhairedfeistynerd @hails270105 @syms-things-5 @chezdricks @denisemarieangelina @christ0pher-evans @supersquirrel1996

[moonflowerchanniesgirl]

Warm Light at Daybreak

Pairing: Felix X Female Reader Genre: Idol Felix, Ex-Model reader, angst, fluff, strangers to lovers? Warning: Talks about a serious car accident, deals with healing from emotional and physical wounds, scarring and disability, guilt, self-deprecation, panic attacks Exceedingly slow pace like all my stories lol, like for real you have been warned this is really slow Summary: You removed yourself from the world of fashion two years ago after an accident that left you disfigured and disabled. A friend asking for a favor brings you back but behind the scenes helping out the idol Felix. What was supposed to be a one-time thing spirals into something much more. Word Count: 14k Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them. I have no idea how legal stuff works so take everything in here with a grain of salt. Why is this so long? I have no idea. This fic literally kicked my ass I almost deleted and rewrote it about 8 times but finally, it is done.

“And you thought to call me because?” You asked as you poured yourself half a glass of wine. “You’re literally my last hope,” James pleaded over the phone. James was one of the few people in the fashion industry that you still communicated with, the two of you had grown your careers together in Korea. Over time he became your best friend as well as someone you viewed as a brother. He had been there every step of the way through your recovery and was the only one that you had told the extent of everything. He currently was one of the most sought-after photographers in the industry and you had been an A-list model until…the accident.

“Did you hit your head or did you just forget that I’m not a stylist?” “But you’re the most stylish person I know, if you can’t do this then no one can,” you heard the desperation in Jame’s voice. “Tell me again why your usual team can’t handle this?” You asked as you swirled your wine around, watching the dark red color under the light. “Ugh, you know I love my people but for some reason, none of them can give me the inspiration I need. I’ve already contracted three outside groups and none of their ideas are anywhere close to the vision I want. I’m pretty much ready to just give up and tell JYP that I won’t do the job but there’s something about this kid, he’s alluring in a mixed way. Soft and fluffy but then you look into his eyes there’s a beast in there. I just can’t find the right people to style him in a way that would showcase that. Everyone has been either trying to make him too soft or too fierce; they don’t understand the balance.” James was rambling but that was how you knew he was serious about this. James was known to be a joy to work with but incredibly selective of his clients which were why his photos always came out top-notch. Some of the best shots of your past career had all been taken by James and you had never known him to be so worked up about styling before. “And you’re sure I, who has never worked as a stylist before, can make your vision come true because?” “Queen of fashion for three years in a row? Styles herself in almost every major campaign? Five major fashion companies wanted to hire you to be their creative director?” James listed out your past achievements and you felt the bitterness rise up in your throat. You quickly washed it down with the wine. “That’s all in the past,” you gulped down most of the wine and gently set the glass on the table. “No, in fact, if you called up any major fashion company right now they’d literally pay to have you join them.” “James, pointless flattery will get you absolutely nowhere,” you shook your head as you sighed. “I really really really need this favor, please! It’s not like it's a stranger, I'm pretty sure you know this kid.” “Oh?” You had heard James mention something about JYP but he never told you exactly who it was that he was working with. “It’s Felix from Stray Kids.” You thought hard about who James was talking about. You had been friends with Suzy for many years and had attended a few JYP events to support her when she was still under them. You remembered going to Stray Kids' debut showcase with her and she had introduced you to her “cute juniors”. You remembered bright-eyed kids that had been very polite and nervous as they greeted you. You had thought that they were cute kids and almost didn’t believe it when Suzy told you that their leader was the same age as you. Felix, Felix, Felix… you could only vaguely picture a face with a deep voice. “I met him right after he debuted but not again after that,” you told James as you tried harder to remember his exact facial features. “Well he’s changed quite a bit since his debut, I’m sure that you’re going to want to style him after you’ve seen some recent photos of him.” “I don’t know James, putting aside the fact that I’m not a professional stylist, I don’t really want to step back into any role in the industry.” Your hand subconsciously touched the scar on your chest. The only time you exposed the scar was when you were home alone safe from any lenses and people. You and James had discussions about you not being comfortable being in front of the camera anymore but you never told him that you were wary of entering the industry at all. There was a large pause on James' end and you knew that he was seriously taking what you said into consideration. “How about if we don’t tell anyone that you are involved?” He suggested after almost a full minute of silence. “Can you do that?” You asked knowing that it wasn’t common practice to not reveal the stylist. In fact, you couldn’t think of one instance where that was the case, most stylists wanted their names attached to their projects. “It’s my shoot that they’re basically begging me to do, I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to make some requests. I can get everyone to sign an NDA if you want?” It was almost silly how his idea suddenly made the job seem so much more appealing. “Could I get some time to think this through? You know how big a deal this would be for me,” you asked as you tried to organize all the thoughts in your head only to be very much overwhelmed. “Of course, look I’ll have my assistant send you everything we have so far and some recent photos and videos of Felix. If you feel like you want to do this, throw together a simple concept collection and we’ll handle the rest. It’s going to be so much fun working together again,” Jame’s voice sounded almost too confident. You could picture the grin that he had on his face and you couldn’t help but smile. “Careful, don't count your chickens, I haven’t agreed yet.”

“I told you so!” James said gleefully as he got out from the driver’s seat to open the door for you. True to his word as soon as you saw a recent photo of Felix you knew exactly what James was talking about. There was a sharpness to him that was balanced by softness and that gave you plenty of ideas on what style concepts would work. Without you noticing, you had binged all Stray Kids’ latest music videos and drafted up a general concept map just like James wanted. Within two hours of sending it to him, he called you to tell you that JYP had been enamored with your vision and even agreed to all your terms. “I still don’t understand how you got all their staff to sign the NDA’s. Would they not have wanted to take advantage of my past fame?” You carefully angled your body so that you weren’t putting too much pressure on your bad leg as you entered the car. You gently brought your cane in with you and narrowly avoided whacking James in the stomach. “I told them no NDA, no photoshoot with me and that pretty much was all it took for them to agree. They tried to argue about how this would be a good opportunity for you too but I put my foot down,” James gently closed the door behind you. Part of your apprehension about this job was that it was your first job of any kind since the accident. You were sure that if it was revealed there would be a media storm of people trying to get to you. “You okay back there?” James asked as he got back into the driver’s seat. “As okay as I ever will be,” you managed to say as your grip tightened on the head of your cane. “It’s going to be a short ride I promise,” James said as he started the car. He knew how much you hated being in cars since the crash but there wasn’t any other choice as there was no way you could ride the subway without attracting attention. “Just let me know if you need me to stop at any point. Timing doesn’t matter, your mental health matters way more.” James looked at you through the rearview mirror and saw the small nod you gave him before you closed your eyes. He drove as slowly as he could according to the speed limit, checking on you every once and again when you whimpered over the little bumps in the road. When the car finally came to a stop in front of Jame’s studio, you scrambled out before he even had a chance to unbuckle his seat belt. You just crouched down on the ground for a few minutes breathing heavily as though you were running out of oxygen. James rapidly moved to your side and crouched beside you. “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” he whispered over and over again as he patted you gently on the back in a slow steady rhyme. It took a few minutes but you managed to calm down enough to breathe normally again. You tried to stand up but the sharp pain from crouching too long on your bad leg had you nearly falling over. James grabbed your arm and you leaned your weight against him until the pain became as faint as it usually was. “Thank you my human cane,” you tried to crack a joke but the worried expression on James' face didn’t change. You recognized the look of guilt and gently poked him on the side. “You look like your puppy died, I’ll be okay. Well as soon as you get me a place to sit my ass down,” you said as you gently pushed him off and walked toward the door with your actual cane.

“Yep exactly what I wanted,” you checked through each of the accessories and found that James and his team had got you everything you had listed out. “Of course, never expect anything other than perfection from me,” James said as he handed you a glass of water. He checked his watch, “Felix and his manager should be getting here any minute now,” almost on cue there’s a knock at the door. “I’m psychic,” James winked at you before turning to the door and yelling, “come in”. In walked a youngish man dressed in all black and behind him was Felix. He looked absolutely adorable in a brown fluffy jacket that seemed to be super soft. His hair was a light bleached blonde just the way you had wanted it and you felt yourself grow excited about how you were going to style it. The man (who you assumed was the manager) walked forward to where you and James stood while Felix was frozen by the doorway. He was wearing a mask so you couldn’t see the bottom half of his face but you saw his eyes grow wide as he stared at you. “Felix?” His manager asked and that seemed to snap him out of his trance as Felix quickly walked over. “Hello, I’m manager Kim,” he bowed toward you and James and then pushed Felix forward. “Hello, I’m Felix,” his greeting came out in a mumble as Felix bowed in a much more rushed way at an angle that was way lower than 90 degrees. You saw the manager roll his eyes before placing a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “Sorry, he’s a little nervous. This is his first official magazine shoot and to be working with such prestigious people. Please take care of him,” manager Kim and Felix bowed once again. You found it very cute how nervous he was as it reminded you of your first magazine shoot all those years ago. “Understandable, I’m James, I’m the photographer that will be working with you today and I very much look forward to it.” Compared to those two James was much more laid back as he held out a hand, first shaking with the manager and then Felix. Next everyone looked toward you and you used your cane to support yourself into standing from the stool you were sitting on. “I’m the main stylist for today I’m-” before you got the chance to finish speaking Felix in his excitement cut you off. “I know who you are, oh my god you don’t understand I’m such a big fan,” he was almost jumping with glee and you had to control yourself to not coo at how cute he was. “I honestly never expected that I’d get the honor to work with you, I’m just so excited and happy-” Felix was clearly ready to ramble on but his manager not so subtly elbowed him and he quieted down, ears noticeably redder than when he walked in. You were a few inches taller than him so from your point of view he looked like an ecstatic child staring up at candy on the higher shelf. Like a puppy waiting for a treat. “Sorry, again the nerves,” manager Kim said with a sigh as if he expected this to happen. “It’s fine, she’s used to fanboys,” James laughed a little as he noticed how Felix was still staring at you as his ears got redder. “I’d say give the poor kid an autograph but that would ruin the point of the NDA wouldn’t it?” “I mean if he didn’t tell people where I gave it to hi-” You were thinking as you talked and once again Felix jumped in before you fully finished your sentence. “Of course, I wouldn’t tell a soul, I promise!” He nearly shouted and this time you couldn’t hide your giggles. “Okay, an autograph after the photoshoot, now come along I’ll take you to hair and makeup,” you used your cane to point toward the direction you two needed to go and set off leaving James and manager Kim chatting.

“If we could blow dry his hair a little more and then curl it upfront so that it's not exactly too neat looking.”’ You told Haejin who nodded and went to work getting the tools. “For makeup, the plan is just some light powder, he has amazing freckles and I want to showcase them. Let’s darken the eyebrows just a little,” and with that Susan went to work as well. You knew Jame’s hair and makeup team from all your years of working together and didn’t think a better team existed. You looked toward the mirror at Felix’s face and caught him in the middle of staring at you. He quickly tried to dart his eyes away except he didn’t know where to look and just ended up looking down at his shoes. “See something interesting?” You couldn’t help teasing him. “Um, no, yes, I mean… I just still can’t believe that you’re really in front of me and you just called my freckles amazing,” his voice was quiet and low and you could see his ears that had calmed down from earlier, start to turn red again. “I only speak the truth, you know. Your freckles look amazing, they give you character.” You felt yourself wanting to compliment him more because he generally looked so happy to receive your praise. “Most of the time they get covered up, although I know some of the fans seem to like them too.” “Well I know with idols sometimes it's more about conformity rather than individuality, but this photo shoot is going to only be about you so I wanted aspects that made you unique to stand out.” You weren’t going to outright admit that you had stalked their Instagram for his selfies, or that you had watched every Stray Kids music video at least five times but you did want him to know that you had done your research. “I really hope I can do well,” Felix said as Haejin and Susan came back and began to work their magic.

As you adjusted the cross necklace on him you could only smile to yourself at how he looked exactly as you imagined he would. Hair just the right amount of messy and styled, freckles on full display, leather jacket and pearl, a real complete mixture of soft and rough just the way you wanted. You patted his hair down slightly and were surprised by the little squeak that came from him. “I’m sorry, it's the nerves, ugh I’m so embarrassing,” Felix said as he hid his face in his hands. “It’s fine Felix, but I can’t believe you’re still nervous around me. This is already our second meeting, right? Loosen up a bit~” You tried to lighten the situation a bit hoping that it would make him calmer before the shoot. “Wait, you remember?” This time his voice came out in an even higher pitch squeak and you wondered if maybe you ended up doing the opposite of what you wanted. “Yeah back when you just debuted, you all were young, bright, and adorable. I will say it’s nice to see you again and how well you guys are doing.” Felix smiled with his whole face scrunching up and you found yourself wanting to take a picture to capture the happiness that he radiated. You gently shook your head at your thoughts and turned physically turned Felix toward the door leading to the shoot. “Now let’s go see James for your first set of photos.”

You didn’t have to worry about Felix at all since the moment he stood in front of the camera his whole demeanor changed. Gone was the nervous shy boy and instead his eyes took on the look you had seen in the music videos. He didn’t see you, the makeup team, or his staff standing in the corner (one young girl seemed to have been staring holes into the back of your head), he only saw James and the camera lens. Once the first set of photos was okayed you ushered Felix to get changed into the second set of clothes: a sheer top paired with a black jacket covered in orange flowers. The next backdrop was white curtains where the light subtly shined through. You and James had dubbed the intended look to be rough domestic and Felix fit that perfectly. You had to admit that even some professional models weren’t as breathtaking to watch as Felix was. The way the light hit him and the subtle smile on his face, made him look so dreamy but the outfit provided a hint of danger to him. You made a mental note to ask James for some of the raw photos. The shoot finished with your favorite set that you had planned out for the bathtub shots, a simple white shirt with a white button-up on top and long pearls. You carefully leaned down and wiped off more of Felix’s makeup so it was only just his eyebrow makeup left. “I’ve never taken photos in water before,” he said as he watched the bath slowly get half-filled with warm water. “It’s quite fun when it’s shallow and you're not wearing about five pounds of jewelry,” you joked thinking back to a photoshoot where you were sure that you were going to die. “Sounds like a rough time,” he said as he watched your face scrunch up in concentration as you adjusted the pearls on his neck. “Yeah, but it wasn’t nearly the roughest. When I think back to some of the things I’ve had to do, I’m almost glad that I’m no longer in the fashion industry.” Maybe it was the calmness that you felt around Felix but the words spilled from your lips with much more ease than you had planned. You hadn’t really noticed what you said until you saw how suddenly Felix tensed up. You looked down at his face and saw his expression go from shock to pure confusion. “You alright?” You asked him as you stepped back to give him space in case he needed it. “You’re no longer in the fashion industry?” It was the first time you’d heard his serious tone and you would lie to say that it did not send shivers down your back. “Yeah, I’m only working as a stylist today as a favor for James,” it was your turn to be confused since you were sure that James must have given them some sort of explanation about the NDA. “So you’ve quit modeling entirely?” “Yes, I thought that was quite obvious? It’s been two years since I’ve done anything and well you see…” you tilted your head toward your hand that was holding your cane. The look on Felix’s face was quite dark as he stared at your cane. He opened his mouth wanting to say something more but at that moment you spotted James giving the both of you the thumbs-up sign and you pushed Felix toward him as you said, “come on now, time for your first water shoot”.

“Please don’t be mad at me!” That was the first thing James said when you picked up the phone not even letting you get out a hello. “What on earth are you talking about?” You asked as you looked over at your bedside alarm clock, the bright red 6:43 AM glared at you as if it was mocking you and your half-awake state. “You haven’t been on any social media sites yet?” The panic was clear in James' voice and that led you to become more and more awake. “I don’t usually check social media at all, let alone at 6 in the morning, James what’s going on?” “Shit, okay, I guess it’s better you hear it from me. You remember the photoshoot with Felix?” “That was literally two days ago of course I remember… James, what the actual fuck is going on?” “Well remember how we got everyone to sign an NDA?” “You’re fucking kidding me…” you whispered under your breath already seeing where this was going. “Well a member of his staff posted photos of you and Felix into her Kakaotalk group chat and one of her friends posted them publicly. They got her to delete it within a minute but by then it was too late and now it's kind of everywhere.” You couldn’t speak too many thoughts roaming around your head. You felt your heart pounding in your chest at a rapid speed and you gripped the material of your shirt in front of your chest. It took a few moments before you could focus and hear that James was frantically calling your name on the phone. “I’m still here,” you said as you fell back onto your pillow. “Don’t worry you don’t see the cane in the photo,” trust James to know exactly what your fear had been. You knew that your scar was hidden by the turtleneck you wore, so the cane had been the one thought that occupied your mind the most. “Except…” James' voice trailed off and you only feared the worst. “Except what?” “Well, the photos were of you fixing his hair and shirt collar so… they looked rather intimate. He’s looking at you with such a lovestruck grin on his face that the general opinion online is that you two are dating.” You almost wanted to laugh at how silly everything sounded, just a couple of photos and people could draw such a conclusion. At the same time, you knew how common something like this was, having experienced quite a few similar situations before. “And so JYP wants to do damage control… which means that they want to break the NDA and tell everyone that you were his stylist.” “I don’t have much of a choice in the matter do I?” You asked even though you already felt like you knew the answer. “Not when they’re being this, I’ve already had my legal department call them but they’ve made up their mind about paying the penalty fees.” You let out a small whistle because you knew how much the penalty fee was. “I don’t fully understand why they’re being like this since from what I’ve seen the online opinions are mostly positive. If they left it alone it honestly might have just died down.” “What? No fangirls cursing me to death for allegedly dating their beloved?” You were half-joking and half-serious because you’ve seen some of the messages people have left your idol friends when they were caught up in dating scandals. “I mean there’s some of that but mostly they’re cooing at how Felix looks at you and how happy he looks. You should take a look online because even I’d be convinced he’s dating you. In fact, half the comments are just your fanboys jealous or saying that they would also be looking at you like that if they got the chance.” You laughed a little as you quickly put the phone on speaker and then went on to Naver to see what James was talking about. “Wow number one trending,” you said as the Naver home page popped up and you saw your name right there. You clicked your name and it took you to the news stories. “Internation famous model and Stray Kids Felix date photos get exposed,” you read aloud as you clicked the link. “Ugh don’t you love it when they’re so sure of themselves,” James said with sarcasm dripping from every word. You let out a little gasp as you saw the photos and knew exactly what James had been talking about. It was just an upper-body shot of you and Felix from the side. You were bending slightly to adjust something around his neck and… he was looking at you with the softest expression on his face. In the next photo you were in the same position but this time there was a smile on his face. “This is some pretty damning stuff,” you said as you fought the urge to save the photos due to how cute they were. You were of course mad about your photos and the stylist thing being leaked like this but a smiling Felix softened your mood quite a bit. “It’s almost too cute,” you whined as you dropped your phone onto the bed. “What do you think about dating him for real? You’ve already seen how good you two look together,” James joked. “Please, he’s just infatuated with my modeling stuff, he’s interested in me as a fan,” you argued back. “Whatever you say~ Anyway JYP is releasing their statement at noon today, do you want me to release anything on your behalf?” James asked as he returned to being serious. “I don’t know, I haven't really made any statements since I posted that I was going on an indefinite break after the accident. I guess just something about agreeing with what JYP says and that I hope everyone looks forward to the magazine coming out. Make sure to note that I’m still on break, I don’t need agents trying to blow up my phone.” You never officially announced that you were retiring from fashion, only that you were taking an indefinite break after the accident. The public never knew the extent of your injuries and you weren’t sure how to tell them. You didn’t want to reveal to everyone how hurt and scarred you were but at the same time, you knew that you couldn’t just retire without a reason or people would go looking for one. You were stuck in this limbo until you could convince yourself to just tell everyone what really happened to your body. “Okay no problem I’ll have my team draft something up and you can check it. I’m sorry about this dear. I should have just rejected the job instead of throwing you into this mess.” “Don’t worry about it James, the photos came out great so in some sense, I’m not that upset.” You said truthfully as you thought back to how the photos came out. It was proof that even though you hadn’t been involved in fashion for two years your taste was still impeccable. “Oh, want me to try and get you Felix’s number?” “Why would I want you to do that?” “Maybe call him up, ask him for a date to make up his staff leaking those pictures?” “James! I’m not blackmailing him to take me on a date!” You couldn’t help but shake your head at James’s idea even though he couldn’t see you. “With how’s he’s looking at you I doubt you’d even have to resort to blackmail.” “Oh please, he’s an idol with a million cute girls willing to throw themselves at his feet, whatever little infatuation he has with me will be over and forgotten soon enough. Besides, it's not like we’ll be seeing each other again.”

You were pretty sure that you had jinxed yourself because not even a month later you were outside the JYP building. You had honestly thought you were done with the company after they released their statement and James released your statement. The magazine had come out two weeks after that and the reception had been amazing. Most of Felix’s fans saw the vision that you and James had been going for and they seemed ecstatic to see a more mature side to Felix. Your phone had blown up for a bit but James let you borrow his team to deal with everyone bothering you. Everything should have been happy endings or at least a clean ending but of course, life didn’t work that way. And now here you were, being led to a meeting room to discuss how you were not going to let JYP use Stray Kids’ budget to pay for breaking the NDA. When you first read the line in the legal document you were sure that you had read it wrong. Why on earth would they be taking the money directly from the group's budget when it was not the group's fault? After about a week of writing back and forth, you decided that it would be easier just to talk it out in person. An option you dreaded since it meant that in order to hide your cane you had to walk without it, putting the least amount of pressure that you could. The pain wasn’t too bad but you took two painkillers and that helped immensely. The young girl that had been leading you stopped in front of a door and knocked gently. A muffled “Come in” came from the room and she pushed the door open. In the room sat three men who quickly stood up to greet you. One was a stoic-looking older gentleman you didn’t recognize, one you recognized as Bang Chan the leader of Stray Kids, and the last one was Felix. Both members of Stray Kids looked like they hadn’t slept well with deep dark circles under their eyes. Contrary to when you saw him at the photoshoot, Felix did not look at you at all and instead kept his head and eyes down. The young girl left the room and the older gentleman was quick to jump in and introduce himself, and Chan. He was Lee Hyunwon and he was representing the JYP legal department. “Once again we’d like to offer you our deepest apologies for the entire situation,” he said as he shot a glare at Chan and Felix and the two bowed deeply to you. The whole thing looked very rehearsed and honestly made you feel a little queasy in your stomach. “The apology from Stray Kids is appreciated but unnecessary,” you said with a smile to Chan and Felix to show that you meant it. Chan gave you a small smile back while Felix still just looked down at the table in front of him. “Now if we move on to the main order of business for today, I understand you wish to renegotiate the financial compensation for breaking the nondisclosure agreement?” “It’s less of a renegotiation and more of me trying to understand why the compensation is coming from the Stray Kids budget,” you tried to keep your tone calm even though you felt the annoyance crawl on your skin at how he phrased his sentence. “Ah yes, we came to that decision after various meetings with key company people. It was decided that since the issue stemmed from a Stray Kids member, they would be the ones to atone for it,” as Lee Hyunwon spoke you thought you saw Chan glare at him before looking away. Something wasn’t right about this situation and it just seemed to get weirder by the minute. “Atone for getting his photo secretly taken by a staff member?” You asked, trying to make sense of what exactly they were trying to punish them for. “He should have been more aware of his surroundings and if he had been paying attention then there would be no reason for JYP to need to release the statement breaking the agreement,” this time you were sure you saw Chan glare at him. “If that’s your argument then I should also be paying myself compensation since I clearly was not paying attention to my surroundings either,” you challenged his bullshit logic. Chan looked at you with wide eyes as if he was in awe at how you were talking back to Hyunwon. Felix as if in a trance was still looking down at the table. You wondered what they had said or done to the poor kid. “T-that's not what I mean is-,” Hyunwon stuttered. You clearly flustered him as he cleared his throat in an attempt to mask his needing time to get his thoughts together. “In any case, we are presenting you with the proper means of compensation. I don’t see how it is any of your concern where the funds are coming from. You just need to sign here and we can begin the process of transferring the money into your account,” a thick stack of paper was pushed toward you. You internally groaned and wished that you took James’ advice and brought one of his lawyers with you. “I’m going to need time to read through all of this,” you said as you flipped the paper and began reading. “It’s the exact same thing we sent you over email,” he said as he tried to subtly check on his watch. You had to control yourself to not roll your eyes, trust the legal type to fit into the stereotype of ‘having no spare time’. You suddenly thought of an idea that would help you try and get to the bottom of why they were trying to pin everything on Stray Kids. “I’m sure it is but I was taught never to sign anything without reading everything at least twice,” you said as you batted your eyelashes trying to look as innocent as possible. Chan raised an eyebrow at your sudden change of tone but Hyunwon didn’t seem to notice. “Well I’m sorry but I have another meeting I need to be at so if you don’t mind-” Hyunwon stood up clearly trying to usher you out but you just flashed him your best sweet smile. “Oh that’s alright, you go ahead, I’ll have Chan or Felix pass it to you when I’m done.” It took all of your willpower to not cringe at your acting. You were a former model, not a former actor but still, Hyunwon seemed to not notice anything amiss. You wondered how on earth he worked in an entertainment company. “You could take it home to read and then bring it back signed once you finished reading it,” Hyunwon said as he looked between you and the boys not wanting to leave you three alone. “Oh no, you see I’m already here so I might as well get this done now. Besides I don’t have so much free time that I can make multiple trips like this.” You were lying about not having enough free time but you honestly rather have to come back to JYP any more than you needed to. “I’m sure Chan and Felix are quite busy.” “No sir, there's nothing planned today, we don’t mind waiting for her to finish, we’ll drop it by your office as soon as she’s done,” Chan said as he subtly elbowed Felix who let out a soft “yeah”. Chan saw what you were trying to do and you were glad he was so ready to play along. “Now you stop worrying about this document and go to where you need to be,” you turned away from Hyunwon to pretend to focus back on the documents. You felt him stand there for a few more moments before he spoke again. “Alright then, I’m sorry to leave all of you like this but I really do need to leave. Chan stop by my office immediately when the papers have been signed. It was lovely meeting you,” with that Hyunwon left the room. You waited a few extra minutes after the door closed before finally looking up from the papers in front of you. “Okay one of you fucking tell me what’s going on,” you said as you threw the papers down. Felix still wasn’t looking at you and Chan had a rather complicated expression on his face. You didn’t really expect Felix to speak first so you could barely hear what he said. “What?” You asked as you leaned forward. “All of this is my fault,” this time you heard him clearly and his voice nearly broke your heart. It was very raw and a little hoarse and you could recognize it as a voice that had been crying recently. “What on earth does that mean Felix? Don’t tell me you bought into his bullshit about you not being aware you were being photographed.” This whole situation was getting stranger by the second and you looked at Chan for help. Chan’s expression softened a bit as he put his arm around Felix and brought him into a sort of half-hug. “We were strictly told to not tell you anything but obviously you can see that their justifications have too many holes in them,” Chan said as his thumb rubbed circles on Felix’s shoulder. “I honestly can’t believe that JYP was capable of something like this. But the whole photo getting leaked was part of their plan all along.” “What?”  You knew that entertainment companies sometimes played dirty but you didn’t expect something of this level. “So they leaked it on purpose?” “Yeah, it was part of this plan to basically use you for views and clicks,” Chan said with a sigh. “So…that was their plan from the beginning and the NDA was just something they were always going to just pay their way out of?” You were in deep disbelief at the sheer absurdity of JYP’s actions. “Yeah in fact they already had set money aside as they just listed it as a ‘business expense’.” “And you guys knew about this?” It made you sick to your stomach to think that Felix was just using you the whole time. Before you could finish forming that thought, Felix suddenly spoke up again. “NO! I promise! We didn’t find out about anything until after the photos went up. I swear to god I didn’t know anything on the day of the photoshoot. If I had known I wouldn’t have gone,” Felix finally looked up at you and you saw how red his eyes were. There were voices of doubt in your head, but as you looked into Felix’s eyes they all quieted down. “Alright Felix, I believe you,” you told him earnestly. You wanted to believe that the nervous and excited boy you had met had no idea that his company wanted to use you for clicks. Both Felix and Chan flashed you a relieved smile and you wondered how much your trust had weighed upon their conscience. “But how on earth did you guys end up footing the bill?” You asked not quite understanding how exactly JYP’s plans had changed if they already set the money aside. At your question, Felix once again looked down and Chan sighed and patted him on the back. “Well…I was called into a meeting where they revealed their plan to ensure that I would control Felix if he tried to do anything on impulse. Of course, I tried to argue against this plan because it wasn’t fair to you but…” “You had to look out for your team,” you finished for Chan when his voice trailed off. He nodded to confirm what you said. “I get it, I do…but how did we end up here then?” At this point, Felix sank deeply into his chair so that you could just barely see his face. “Felix had managed to follow me to the meeting without me knowing and he heard everything from outside the door,” Chan spoke gently as he tried to lift Felix back into a proper seating position. You could start to see what had happened but you stayed silent as you let Chan find the words to finish. “He burst into the room as angry as I’ve ever seen him. Roared at the managers and executives that the way they were using you wasn’t fair,” Chan had a smile on his face that you could only describe as fatherly while Felix had buried his face in his hands. “Our manager had to jump up and restrain him. They then tried to explain how it was all for his own good that using you would generate much more views for him and us.” Chan shook his head while you tried to imagine what the scene looked like. “Hyung stop it,” Felix whined, his hands still on his face muffling his voice. “Lix here then told everyone that he would tell you and our fans everything. That resulted in his phone use getting suspended until further notice. He let out a few choice words that even I was impressed by and that’s how they decided that he would be punished by taking our comeback funds to pay you. If he or any of us tried anything else at all…then they would push our comeback back until they felt that he could control himself.”  Chan sighed again as he looked toward you apologetically. “Sorry Hyung,” Felix muttered toward Chan. Chan put his arm around him and pulled him into a proper hug as much as he could with both of them sitting down. “Don’t worry about it Lix, none of us are upset with you, in fact, I wish I was as brave as you. You stood up for what you believed in and we would never be upset for you because of that.” Chan rubbed Felix’s back in small circles. You felt your heart break at the consequences that the boys had to face all because of you. You never imagined that a company as big as JYP would resort to something like this. You thought about Felix and Chan who were risking a lot by telling you everything but still did so because they felt that you had a right to know. They did not deserve to be punished for any of this and you wanted nothing more than to make things better for them. You racked your brain for any possible way to fix this situation and suddenly hit upon an idea that seemed almost obvious but you weren’t sure was actually going to work “I’m sorry,” Felix’s voice cut through your thoughts and you looked to see that he had removed himself from Chan’s hug and was hastily rubbing his eyes. You made up your mind then and there that you were going to do something about this. “How much of your budget is gone?” You asked Chan who gave you a very confused look. “About 70%...” “And what do you guys still need to do for the comeback?” “Well… the songs are all finished, we just need to record all the members which would be done in Channie’s room anyway. The music video shoots were all already booked and paid for months ago. We still need to hire dancers and choreographers but Minho said that he was going to take care of that by talking to his old dance troupe. There are album and stage designers we still need to talk to and then we have to find stylists, hair and makeup artists as well as photographers for concept photos,” Chan’s face got grimmer and grimmer as he kept listing things that they still needed. As if he caught sight of his facial expression he suddenly tried to smile and rubbed the back of his head. “There’s still a lot, yeah, but I’m sure that we will figure things out somehow.” “What if I told you that I knew some people that would be more than willing to help you guys out with at least half those things?” James owed you a favor anyway and it wasn’t like you weren’t going to pay him. “What do yo-“ Chan was cut off by Felix who jumped up before Chan could finish his sentence. “No, absolutely not!” He shouted and you got a clearer image of what he might have looked like in that meeting Chan mentioned. “Felix please at least let me tell you guys my plan,” you tried to reason with him but he only firmly shook his head. “No, we can’t involve you in any of this.” “Felix, I’m already involved in this. In fact, this whole thing is because of me.” “That’s not true! This was my fault if I didn’t agree to this photoshoot if I didn’t barge into the meeting and instead tried to let you know first then…” Felix’s eyes flicked toward you and then toward Chan and then seemed to look at your legs. “It’s all my fault and I’m going to try and fix it somehow…I can’t drag you when…” Felix was fixated on your leg and you saw Chan flash you a questioning look. “Chan, could you just give me and Felix a few minutes alone?” You asked. Chan looked at you and then at Felix and then just nodded as he stood up and headed toward the door. “I’ll be right outside just shout for me when you two are done talking,” he said as he shut the door behind him. “Felix, sit down, and let’s properly talk this out alright?” Felix plopped down heavily onto the chair and finally looked into your eyes. “I don’t want to drag you into this situation more than I already have,” Felix said as he held your gaze. “But I’m already very deeply involved Felix, in fact, I’d say I was the start of this situation.” “If I didn’t agree to this photoshoot-“ “Stop right there,” you said, finally getting to cut him off for once, “I didn’t say yes to the photoshoot until way after you did. I did it as a favor to James so that decision has nothing to do with you.” You weren’t going to tell him that you only agreed because you were enamored with his gaze and his duality. Maybe one day but he didn’t need to hear that now. “Yeah but-“ “What’s happened has happened, trying to take fault or assign blame isn’t going to help the current problem at hand,” you said as gently as you could while you reached over and took his hand in yours and gave it a little squeeze. His hand was smaller than your own and you would have smiled at how your hands enveloped his if not for the current mood. “I know, I just feel like if I had done or said something… anything different then maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation,” he said as he looked away from once again not being able to look you in the eyes. You understood him, so much, because those were the very words you had often wondered to yourself on those nights when you couldn’t sleep. Awake with your thoughts as you replayed your choices trying to see all the what-ifs and whatcouldhavebeens. “We can’t change the past no matter how much we want to,” you repeated the words that your therapist had told you when you confessed the thoughts you had. “The only way we can live this life is forward and that doesn’t mean ignoring the past but not dwelling on the things we can’t change.” Felix looked back at your eyes and you tried to convey as much reassurance as you could. “Let me try and help you guys,” you pleaded and this time Felix gave you the slightest nod. “Alright but… I’m still sorry, I know you didn’t want anyone to know about…” his eyes flicked back to your legs, “you didn’t bring your cane because you didn’t want anyone to know right?” “Did James say something?” You asked pretty sure that your best friend must have been the one to spill the beans. “After you told me that you had quit the fashion industry entirely, I asked him about it. He didn’t tell me too much, only that the accident was much worse than the public knew about and that you’d tell the world when you were ready,” this time you were the one that looked away from Felix. You felt your throat tighten up with all the words you wanted to say but couldn’t. You felt Felix squeeze your hand and you squeezed back. The two of you just sat like that awhile not talking, just holding hands. When you could finally look at Felix again you saw that he was staring at you with a similar look to the one he had in the photo. A soft smile on his lips while his eyes just held a fondness. You tried your best to smile back at him. “When I’m ready… yeah I’ll tell everyone everything when I’m ready. But for now let’s bring Chan back so I can tell you both my master plan on how this comeback is going to be your best one yet,” you and Felix both smiled at each other before he shouted out for Chan.

“Are you sure about this?” James asked you as he opened the car door. You gripped tightly onto his arm as he helped you out of the car. “It’s a little late to be asking that,” you answered as you leaned onto him. Instead of using your usual cane, you opted for a foldable one that you tucked away in your bag until you could use it in an area with less prying eyes. You could already hear the crew around the area notice you and James’ arriving. It was announced last week that you and James would be working on the latest Stray Kids comeback, a favor he had gladly agreed to after you told him the full details. It had taken less convincing than you thought although the JYP crew were suspicious at the start. It was a few words about how much you enjoyed working with Felix and how happy you were with how well JYP handled the leaked photo (you had to pinch yourself to get this line out with a straight face) that convinced them your offer and your overly reduced prices were legit. You met with Chan, Felix, and the rest of Stray Kids to plan out the themes and clothing they wanted to explore and called in a few favors so that the best items were brought in. The last few weeks were the most involved in fashion you had been in a long time and it felt both exhilarating and exhausting. Today was the first day of the official shooting. James would take some photos in the morning and then the boys were going to shoot some scenes for their music video. The area was filled with different staff and crew that you felt staring at you and James. “Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave,” James whispered the reference into your ear and you couldn’t help but smile. “Who let you stay up late and watch cartoons again?” You whispered back as you did indeed smile and wave at some of the people that were waving and bowing at you. “As if, if I did, I would not be awake right now, not to mention ready to work in a couple of hours. The life of a professional is a cruel one,” James whispered as the two of you entered the building and headed toward the back area where the dressing rooms were. “You think it’s safe to get my cane out now?” You asked once you noticed that there were way fewer people in this area. “What’s wrong, human cane not comfortable enough for you?” You didn’t bother responding and instead lightly pinched him. “Ouch, okay okay, I’d just wait until we’re actually in the room. There should only be the kids, Susan and Haejin in there, maybe their manager?” You had informed the members of Stray Kids a little bit about how you needed a cane for your leg but you still weren’t ready for too many people to know. Chan and the other had volunteered to sign an NDA with you, “a real one we promise!” He had said while the others grimaced more or less knowing what had happened. “It’s fine I trust you guys,” you had told them and it was the truth. You didn’t know them too long but they just felt like people you could trust, and you knew that Felix would most likely give them hell if they did decide to say something. In fact, Felix had come up to you privately and promised you that you could trust the boys and you believed him. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” James' voice brought you back to the present and you looked up to see that he was looking at you with a worried expression. The two of you were stopped outside a door with a piece of paper that read STRAY KIDS taped onto the front. “Honestly… I’m not sure I’m going to make it through the whole day, but it’s too late to back out now isn’t it?” You said as you gave his arm a gentle squeeze. You were absolutely terrified, this was the largest amount of people you were going to be around since the accident, the largest amount of people you ever had to pretend to be okay around, the most that you were going to work since the accident and it was only your second time styling someone other than yourself. “If at any point you feel like you want to leave, need a rest, or need anything at all, find me or have one of the kids find me okay?” James told you as he placed his hand on top of yours and patted it a few times. You couldn’t find it in you to be able to talk without your voice coming out strange so you could only nod. James then knocked on the door as you cleared your throat so you could sound normal in front of the boys. “Come in!” You heard a voice that sounded like Hyunjin from the other side. James pushed open the door and the two of you walked into a room that very much seemed to define “controlled chaos”. Chan was getting his hair fully colored blue and he could only wave at you through the mirror, Hyunjin was slouched over the couch on his phone and perked up the moment he saw James, Changbin was in the corner silently counting out numbers as he did bicep curls, Seungmin was also on the couch on his phone and drinking a carton of milk, he gave you two a smile and a wave, Jeongin let out a soft “Hi Noona! Hi Hyung!” with one eye open as Susan was working on his other eye, Minho and Jisung were sitting together (you were pretty sure that Jisung was sitting on Minho) and they were both watching someone on a phone, both only looking up to say hi before focusing back on the phone. Felix had been the only one to put down his Nintendo switch and walk over to you and James with a big smile on his face. A smile that seemed to fade slightly as he walked closer. “Good morning,” Felix said, his voice seemingly extra deep due to the early morning. He hadn’t gotten his hair or makeup done yet so his blonde hair was still slightly messy and his freckles were very visible. He was wearing the same fluffy brown jacket he wore when you first met him and you couldn’t help but think he looked like a cuddly freckly teddy bear. His eyes seemed to dart between you and James rather quickly and you were about to ask him what was wrong when James spoke first. “Felix! Would you be a dear and help her get a seat somewhere and then maybe get her a coffee? I have to show Hyunjin the camera I was telling him about last time,” within what seemed like seconds James had taken your hand on his arm, transferred it onto Felix’s arm, pushed you slightly so you were leaning your weight on Felix, and walked away toward a gleeful Hyunjin. “I’m sorry, let me just get my cane out,” you said as you tried to transfer most of your weight to your good leg so you weren’t leaning too heavily on Felix. You were feeling conscious about your weight since Felix was quite a bit shorter than you but he carefully pulled on you a little bit so you were resting more weight on him again. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it, let me help you to a seat,” Felix said as he led you over to one of the unoccupied couches. This was the closest you had been to him and you felt his voice just hit you differently at such a close angle. You also didn’t mean to but caught the soft scent of vanilla, brown sugar, and a little bit of cherry that seemed to come from Felix. His teddy bear jacket was just as soft as you imagined and you couldn’t help but stroke his arm with your other hand just feeling the fabric and a little bit of how firm his arm was under his jacket. He was so gentle as he helped you sit down as if you were fragile rather than already broken. “Milk or sugar in your coffee?” Felix asked once you were fully seated. “Neither but you don’t have to-“ Felix was gone before you could tell him not to bother, already digging through a pile of jackets and bags until he found what he was looking for. He came back over with a dark turquoise water bottle. “I'm glad we take our coffee the same way,” he said as he popped open the lid and handed you the bottle. “I can’t just take your coffee,” you gently tried to push the water bottle away but Felix only insisted by pushing it into your hand. “Just take it, he practically brought it just for you,” Seungmin said with a knowing smile on his face. “Yah!,” Felix shouted at Seungmin and you saw the tips of his ears turn slightly red. “Don’t listen to him, he’s just joking around,” while Felix talked you saw Seungmin making faces and trying to mimic what Felix was saying. You swallowed your laugh as you relented and took the water bottle from Felix. You knew that what Seungmin had said was likely true as Felix often tried to take care of you the previous times you had met with Stray Kids. He always got water and snacks for you and at one point had brought a Tupperware of brownies. Hyunjin had complained about how he didn’t let anyone take one until you had eaten a piece. The brownie was delicious and you couldn’t help but secretly be happy at how Felix even slapped Seungmin’s hand away so that you could have the last piece. You made some small talk with the members that weren’t preoccupied with their phones until Haejin called you over to take a look at Chan’s hair. You reached in your bag to grab your cane only to stop when you saw that Felix had leaned over in front of you with his arm out. He didn’t quite look at you and there was a faint blush on his face. He looked so adorable that you couldn’t find it in your heart to decline and grabbed his arm to stand up. As he led you over to where Chan and Haejin were, the two of you passed by James who gave you a very knowing look that you chose to ignore. Chan looked amazing and after two hours so did the rest of the boys. Haejin and Susan worked their magic so that all the boys looked exactly as you had envisioned for the first concept and even the boys themselves spent a considerable amount of time cooing over each other and taking selfies of their looks. “We’ve really never done this sort of look before,” Jisung half screamed as he was chasing around Minho trying to get a selfie with him. Minho just walked rapidly around with a very stoic expression as he dodged people and furniture to get away from Jisung. Out of all of Stray Kids, you felt like you had gotten the least close with Minho and Jisung with Jisung only really talking to the other members and Minho…was just someone you had yet to be able to get a good read on. “He likes it, he’s just enjoying messing with Jisungie more right now,” Felix leaned over to whisper in your ear. Throughout the whole time that everyone was getting their makeup and hair done Felix stayed by your side. He leaned over to whisper little tidbits of information or to explain some Stray Kids inside jokes. He was close enough that his breath tickled your ear and you had to control yourself to remain expressionless. Without you realizing it at first your hand had been rubbing and kneading the soft fuzz on the arm of his jacket. You only realized what you were doing when James gave you a smirk as he left to set up for their photos. By then you were too self-conscious to stop in case Felix noticed so you kept at it. Felix didn’t seem to mind how close the two of you were instead he was very reluctant to leave your side. The only time he left was when he had to get his own hair and makeup done and even then you felt his eyes on you the whole time as you chatted with the other boys. “How’s my hair?” Hyunjin suddenly asked as he jumped in front of you and Felix. “Looks amazing on you, I knew red would suit you so well,” you said as you reached up to fix a strand that had strayed, a lost cause due to how active the boys were but you couldn’t help yourself. “WAH I just got praised by my favorite model,” Hyunjin yelled as he jumped away just as suddenly. The room erupted into laughter at his outburst and all the kids were coming up to you to receive your praise. “Well, who looks the best though?” Changbin asked after you finished praising each member leaving them beaming ear to ear. “Hmmm that’s a hard one,” you said as you put your hand on your chin and pretended to think hard. The room rapidly quieted down as everyone stared at you in anticipation. “Maybe…I’ll decide once you all get changed. Now go~” you laughed as the boys all groaned. Even though they complained and whined they did all file out to follow Haejin and Susan to the other room where the clothes were. Felix kept looking back at you as Chan and Changbin grabbed him and pulled him along with them. You sighed to yourself as soon as the door closed, being with the boys reminded you of the days when you were with other models just fooling around until it was your turn to work. There was a sense of nostalgia mixed with the horrible churning feeling in your stomach where you realized more and more that you would never get those days back. You let yourself fall apart slightly for just a few minutes before you bottled everything back up again as you waited for the boys to come back.

“Hyunjin I swear if you weren’t already in Stray Kids I’d be calling up modeling agencies to sign you,” you said as you adjusted the goggles on his head. You were being honest because Hyunjin just had so much talent behind a camera. You watched how effortlessly he posed and how well he knew his angles. The two of you were the same height so you looked him directly in the eyes as you told him, “for real you're a natural”. “Thank you,” he replied with a bright smile, contrasting the earlier sultry gaze he had given James. You finished adjusting everything and sent him back over to James. You sat down and continued to watch the kids being ordered around by James to pose in various positions and once again you felt the sense of nostalgia hit you. You leaned your cane against the couch you were sitting one (one that James had one of his assistants drag from the dressing room for you) and lightly massaged your leg. You had definitely been standing and getting up more than you had been for the past two years and you felt it take a bit of a toll on your bad leg. The usual dull ache had increased a considerable amount but you still felt that it was at a controllable level. James was meant to finish up soon anyway and that meant that they were going to break for lunch, which would give you a chance to take some extra painkillers. “Hey, are you okay?” You were so focused on your leg that you didn’t notice Changbin come over until you heard his voice. He had squatted down in front of you and was looking at your hand that was rubbing your leg. “Yeah, I’m fine, just a little sore,” you lied hoping to sound convincing enough. Changbin looked up at you with one raised eyebrow and you knew that you did not manage to convince him at all. “I think you might be more than a little sore, I’ve got some sports recovery patches in the dressing room, would they be helpful at all?” “I don’t think so but thanks for the offer, am I really that easy to see through though,” you couldn’t help but ask hoping that your pain wasn’t as obvious to the other members. What you didn’t need was all eight of them worried about you instead of focusing on their photo and video shoot. “Nah, I’d just dealt with my fair share of injuries although I’m guessing mine were pretty mild compared to what you’re going through. Besides I didn’t really notice anything until Felix asked me to check up on you, he would have run over himself but he’s still not done with his individual shots yet.” Changbin pointed over to where Felix stood waiting his turn and you caught sight of him staring at the two of you before noticing that you were both looking at him. He mouthed what looked like ‘are you okay?’ and you gave him a little thumbs up. “Has he just been watching me the whole time?” You asked Changbin after Felix looked away. “Pretty much, even being the target of Seungmin’s teasing hasn’t deterred him much,” Changbin replied with a chuckle. “He can’t seem to tear his eyes away from you, you should have seen the look he had when you were talking to Hyunjin. Chan’s already making plans to tell him to calm down a bit. Lix has never been the type to be subtle with his feelings so…” Changbin didn’t finish his sentence but you understood his intention. “You guys want me to let him down gently?” “So he’s got no chance?” Changbin stood up from his squatting position and moved to stand by your side. “He’s a nice kid, he really is but… I’m kind of a mess,” you gestured toward your leg and the scars that Changbin couldn’t see. “Lix isn’t someone to care about that,” Changbin told you but you knew that he didn’t know the full extent of what you meant when you said mess. “I’ll keep that in mind but I just don’t think it will work out. Besides I’m sure that I’m just a silly crush of his that he’ll get over soon enough,” you said with a laugh but fell silent when you didn’t hear Changbin laugh with you. “I know you have things that you’re working through but please, you have no right to make light of his feelings for you.” Changbin walked off without looking back at you and you felt smaller than you had in a long time. You knew that Changbin was just trying to protect Felix and you also knew that Changbin was right. It wasn’t fair of you to make assumptions about what Felix felt toward you due to your own insecurities. But at the same time… it was hard to admit that Felix or anyone could like you for what you were now. You felt your chest tighten as it became harder and harder to breathe while the thoughts ran wild in your head. You were going to hurt him when he realized how ugly you were now. He was too beautiful to be with the you that now had nothing. It had to be just a crush because if it was more than that…why? What could you give him? What did you have that was worth loving? The voices around you and the grip on your hand snapped you out of your frenzied thoughts. You frantically looked up to see that James and the other kids surrounded you, all of them looking at you. Their mouths were opening and closing but there was so much noise that you couldn’t make out the individual words. Your eyes flickered toward Felix who was next to James directly in front of you. His face was contorted into a look of worry and you felt your chest tighten even more. You flung your arm around James as you buried your face into his shoulder so that you no longer saw anything. “Please please please get me out of here,” you whispered into his neck and you didn’t know if it was loud enough for James to hear you but then you felt yourself get lifted off the chair. The static noise in your ears drowned out what James was saying but you felt the vibration from his chest as he carried you. “Do I need to beat someone’s ass?” James asked as he settled you down on the couch in the dressing room. You still clung to him just trying your best to get your breathing under control. You shook your head to answer his question but didn’t feel enough oxygen in your lungs to answer him verbally. “Then what happened? Got too in your head?” You nodded into his shoulder thankful that he knew you so well. The two of you were silent as he just gently patted you on the back in a slow rhythm. It took a while but you finally felt steady enough to let go and lean back into the couch. James just silently wiped the tears on your face as he waited for you to get your thoughts out. “I just…” you wanted to get your thoughts out into words but everything in your head was still so jumbled that you weren’t exactly sure what you wanted to say yet. “Take your time,” James said as he held onto your hands. “Why don’t you tell me first, was it something Changbin said?” “Yes and no,” you answered honestly. “He said something and then you started thinking too much?” “Yeah…” “Well, what did he say?” You were about to answer but the words caught in your throat. James saw how you tensed up again and rubbed circles with his thumb on your hand. “Was it something to do with Felix?” You could only nod confirming his suspicions. “Was it something to do with how he watches you like a lovesick golden retriever?” You couldn’t help but snort at James' description even though you knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah… I just… said how I thought he’d soon get over his crush on me and then Changbin said… to not make light of his feelings…” “And that scared you?” James finished your thought for you and you nodded and then shook your head. “Rather than scared… I guess I just felt terrible because that’s what I was doing but how can I admit it’s more than a silly crush?” “Why can’t it be more than a silly crush?” “Because what is there to like so much about me anymore?” You admitted the thought you kept with you ever since you saw the photos of Felix looking at you. What did you still have that deserved such a look from him? James sighed as he pulled you into a hug. “Oh baby, there are literally so many lovable things about you. In fact, I could spend hours telling you about how sweet, kind, and deserving of love you are but I can’t tell you what Felix might feel. I can promise you that there are so many things about you that the accident didn’t take away, that you are still the same person. Even though the accident took away your ability to walk down the runway you were always more than that.” James spoke as he lightly ran his hand through your hair. “But the scars…” James pulled away from the hug just enough so that he could look you in the eyes. You saw the unshed tears in his gaze. “Those scars you carry are proof that you got out of that situation alive. That you were strong enough to survive and if at any point Felix makes any negative comment about them, I will personally break his nose. But you can’t decide how he’s going to react without giving him a chance.” “You’re right,” and James was right, this whole time you always thought about what reactions others might have toward you without giving them a chance. It was fear that kept you from fully trusting Felix so you decided in your mind that you already knew how he would think. It wasn’t fair to him. “You need to have a good talk with him. You don’t need to reveal everything at once but maybe baby steps. Address how he feels or give him time to tell you himself but don’t push him away just yet. It’s your first time liking someone in a while so just forget about everything else and accept what he has to offer you in terms of his feelings.” You nodded as James got up in search of tissues. “How did you know I liked him?” “Please as if I couldn’t see you looking at him all the damn time,” James answered with a soft smile. “From the moment you first saw him at my studio, you’ve always been looking at him.” You didn’t notice it yourself but then again how had you seen all the times Felix was looking at you if you weren’t looking at him too. You felt your face grow hotter as you took the tissues and wiped your eyes. “You want to talk to him now? I can go get him.” “I… what about the rest of the shoot?” You knew that you needed to speak to Felix but the idea of it being so soon terrified you. “We were pretty much done, I just finished his sets when he noticed your condition,” James said with a hand on the doorknob. “I’d say get this over sooner than later yeah?” “Yeah,” you replied, trying to calm yourself at the thought of addressing Felix after he had seen your breakdown. James left the room and within a few short minutes later there was a hesitant knock. “Come in,” you shouted, embarrassed by how your voice sounded like you had been crying. Then again it wasn’t like your face was going to be any more discreet. Felix walked in and the first expression you saw was of panic and then relief as he spotted you. The door shut behind him with a soft click and he stood there looking at you until he rushed over and kneeled in front of you. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, Changbin told us what he said and I’ve already yelled at him and I never expected him to say anything that's not what I told him to go over for I never imagined he’d do something like that, and please don’t think badly of him but he was just trying to help me I guess but I never wanted him to–“ Felix spoke very quickly as you tried your best to make out what exactly he was saying. His panicked rambling was rather cute but you decided to cut him off because you were having a hard time understanding him. “Felix, breathe,” you said as you bent down to take his hand in yours. You felt how shaky and cold his hands were and thought about how much he must have worried over you. He immediately shut his mouth and just stared up at you. “Ask me one thing at a time or I won’t be able to answer,” you said more calmly than you felt at the moment. “Are you okay?” His eyes stared into yours as he asked. “I’m…” you are going to answer that you were fine but then you looked at Felix and knew that you needed to be more truthful. “I’m better than I was,” you answered honestly and Felix gave you a relieved smile. “I’m sorry about what Changbin said, he was just trying to look out for me.” “I understand that,” you gently pulled Felix up so that he could sit next to you on the couch. “Honestly it wasn’t just what Changbin said, I sometimes… tend to get in my own head a little bit.” You rubbed Felix’s hand between your own in hopes of warming them up a bit as well as using that as a distraction as you got your thoughts together to figure out how to address the elephant in the room. “Do you like me?” you blurted it out before you could think it through enough to regret it. Felix’s mouth fell open in what you saw as shock and you wondered if perhaps everyone had read the situation wrong. You pulled your hands away ready to accept that he didn’t when he grabbed onto your hands. “I do, I like you a lot,” he said in a soft voice barely above a whisper. “What do you like about me?” You asked feeling braver than you had in a long time. “At first I was a fan of yours, when you met us backstage after we debuted I thought that you were so beautiful. I’ve watched clips of you walking different fashion weeks and I was captivated by how gorgeous and majestic you were. Then when I met you again I was so nervous but you were so calming and so nice to me. You made me feel confident and you just had a charisma that drew me in. You’re so forgiving and just so loving, there was no reason for you to help us but you went above and beyond even paying for James when you had every right to never want to see me again. I get jealous when I see you relying on James because I want to be the person by your side and I’ve even gotten jealous of the other members. I want to keep you to myself but I know that I don’t deserve it. Oh my gosh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Felix grabbed the tissues by your side and wiped at your eyes. You hadn’t even noticed that you began crying until Felix panicked. “I’m sorry my feelings are so intense and I’ll try to tone myself down more I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” “No, you’ve never once made me uncomfortable I just… I don’t think that I deserve your feelings for me.” “What?” Felix stopped his movements and just stared at you. “I’m broken, I’m no longer able to be gorgeous or majestic, I’m just ugly, lame, and broken,” you had trouble getting the words out but you needed Felix to see the truth. The person he was describing and the you in front of him were not the same person. “Why would you say it like that?” “Because it’s true.” “Oh no it's not, if you could just see yourself through my eyes, you are so gorgeous and so majestic even now,” you heard Felix’s voice quiver and saw the tears fall from his warm brown eyes. “There’s so much of me that you haven’t seen yet–” “And I’m sure that no matter what you show me I would still think that you’re the most gorgeous girl in the world and I would like you just as much as I do now.” Felix pulled you into a hug and you clung to the fabric on his back. His arms wrapped around you and you just felt a sense of safety and security that you had not felt in a very long time. “I like you too Felix but I…I don’t know if I can treat you the way you deserve when I don’t even like myself.” “Then I’ll wait for you, however long it takes, and every day I will tell you how gorgeous and wonderful I think you are. I will wait for the day that you’ll love yourself 100% so that I can be there to love you 120%.” “That doesn’t sound very fair for you,” you said earnestly even though every fiber of your being wanted to just say yes. Felix loosened his grip around you and you let go of the fabric of his shirt thinking that he wanted to get away from you. He pulled away from you just a little bit and then leaned in again to place a soft kiss on your forehead. “Just being around you makes it fair for me,” he said with a small grin and you couldn’t help but grin along with him. “I hope you don’t regret it,” you said as you used your thumb to wipe away the remaining tears on his face. “Never,” he said as he took the hand by his face and gave you a gentle kiss on your palm. You couldn’t help but giggle at the feeling. “Your eyes are going to be swollen for your video shooting,” you said once the giggles died down. Felix’s eyes were red and swollen and most of his makeup had gone away with the tears. You felt that for a moment you understood him a little bit because even at that moment he looked beautiful in your eyes. Felix only groaned as he leaned his head onto your shoulder. “I need to hope for some makeup magic or they’re never going to let me live this down if I show up super puffy in the video.” “I’m sure Susan can try to work some magic to save you from the teasing of your members,” you said as you lightly patted him on the back. “Speaking of that are you alright to head back to where the members are? I’m sure that they’re all really worried and Changbin Hyung must still feel awful.” Felix carefully sat back up and looked at your reaction. “Yeah, I think I’m good to head back its just…” you trailed off as you looked to the side. “What is it?” “I don’t have my cane with me,” you said slightly embarrassed at what you were indirectly saying. “Not a problem,” without much more warning than that Felix got up and head his arm out to you just as he had earlier in the day. You took used his arm to stand up and then leaned onto him to support yourself. “Thank you,” you tried to convey everything that you wanted to say into those two words and Felix gave you a little nod to show that he understood. “Of course.”

[soursoppi]

Btw, if you ever have more mxtx or bnha recs you’d like to share just know,,, you reccomend such nice stuff and I would not complain 💕👀

Most of the BNHA fics I’ve been following haven’t updated in some time ;_; but I don’t think I’ve done a general MXTX rec so I’ll do that haha!

Talking to myself by velithya

(MDZS: XiCheng hints) Short but HITS HARD ;_; Basically a young Jiang Cheng gets a visit from his future self, and he gets to hear the words he so badly needs but never hears from his own family.

Status: Short one! Seems to be a series? Either way velithya always writes such good stuff ;_;

A Bit of Ruthlessness by jirluvien

(MDZS: XiCheng) Similar in premise to The Beginner’s Guide to Moving On (which has been deleted ;_;) but paced better and with punchier dialogue imo! I love the character voices in the letter writing, there’s a nice balance between the humor and the drama which is what I like best.

Status: Finished! At 110111 words it actually feels like a surprisingly fast read!

Ah, it all makes scents now~! by theWanderingHeart

(MDZS: Xicheng) If you like the soft fluffy parts of ABO but could do with less of the spicy stuff or angst- this is the ABO!AU for you! I’ve also done some art haha for Jo’s adorable ABO series! Very cute and funny hehe

Status: A series! A fluffy ABO series!

Poison in Your Veins by 2501987

(MDZS: Xicheng) An AU where Jiang Cheng is raised by his mom as the heir of Meishan Yu instead! Features mildly spicy JC and besotted LXC! Pretty interesting premise, and the first act of the series seems to be done, with hints for more!

Status: A Series, with the first act wrapped up! Probably with more to come!

tsundere sect leader gets papapa (times five)! by oh_fudgecakes

(MDZS: AllCheng) An all out glorious PWP that features JC getting the d every which way possible by WangXian and the 3zun. The only non-Xicheng spicy that tempted me enough to continue reading. Features some tender Xicheng moments if you’re a sucker like me hahaha.

Status: WIP! But goddamn is it juicy.

the blackest of rooms by cwnran (manatsuko)

(SVSSS: BingLiu) Basically a retelling of the original SVSSS where Liu Qingge becomes Luo Binghe’s Teacher instead. My FAVOURITE SVSSS fic tbh. Because of the perfection of the pacing and the writing. It is not a very light story though it does have a happy end!

Status: Finished! Pretty short, but it made me cry ;_;

Dual Cultivation series by acernor

(SVSSS: BingLiuShen) EXTREMELY SPICY. But also very cute follows LQG’s slow acceptance of the “feelings”. I am completely unable to read BingQiu now because of the glorious tsundere sexiness that is Acernor’s Liu Qingge, I keep waiting for them to woo LQG instead.

Status: FINISHED! Acernor writes a lot of tasty spicy stuff, my favs are her BingLiu(s) hehe

A War God From Another World by 月氣 (TheUmbraphage)

(SVSSS: Eventual BingLiuShen, currently LiuShen-ish) Liu Qingge is the one transmigrated this time, I LOVE THIS. The character voices feel really IC, and the world-building is really good (i.e authentic). It feels like something MXTX could have written! It’s fairly early in the story but still an extremely entertaining read!

Status: WIP, early in the first act and I’m crying a little because it’s been some time since the last update. But still a good read.

Same Deep Water As You by krypkaktus (Regndoft)

(TGCF: HXxSQX) Post-canon Beauty and the Beast-esque slowburn!!!! Beautifully written, slow, tender and full of healing ;_; I love the catfishes so much.

Status: 14/90..... it says haha... recently updated at least! Just take it a chapter at a time!

Returning Earth《天地緩緩 》 by iskendaris

(TGCF: HXxSQX) Exploration of He Xuan’s and Shi Qingxuan’s relationship from how they might’ve met, to what they might’ve felt for each other. An in-depth character piece, also very spoilery. No healing, mildly spicy, very nice world building and lots of pain.

Status: WIP! But the world setting does feel very authentically Ancient China-ish! I love that!

making a home to come back to by macdotexe

(TGCF: LQQxQR) Post-canon! Lang Qianqiu and Qi Rong figure out how to parent Guzi together! Slightly spicy, and very cute! I love the domestic-ness in this, and the slowly building UST between LQQ and QR haha.

Status: WIP, been a while since the last update but it’s still a satisfying morsel

So Says the Shapeshifter by foxflowering

(TGCF: LQQxQR) Post-canon spicy! Lang Qianqiu has Qi Rong in his hands at last, but before the spicy must come the character dissection (kinda literally lol)! This fic fleshes out Qi Rong’s character and motivations beyond the scraps we get in canon, really like the dialogue in this!

Status: Fairly short but fulfilling read!

[alivedean]

I loved your sambucky fic recs! What about those other hundred? 👀

this was gonna be a whole several parts massive rec list but that's gonna take some time so i'll just rec some fics i read lately for now.

But First, Let me Take a Selfie by raendown | great post-catws story with bucky trying to flirt in his unique creepy way and freaking sam out in the process

It was supposed to be Sam out here running end to end across the globe looking for Bucky Barnes. It wasn't supposed to be Sam waking up to find out the missing amnesiac has been taking liberties with his phone while he sleeps. The first mistake he makes is misinterpreting Bucky's intentions, the second is maybe getting a little too attached, but is that one really a mistake?

Night Fishing by Sholio | very spooky and atmospheric horror story with some mutual pining

There's something killing people in the swamps behind Sam's childhood home. And he and Bucky are going on a hunting expedition.

we are the imagination of ourselves (reality bytes) by wildt (wildtrak) | angst and smut + identity porn

Sam agrees to beta test a new Avengers-themed Virtual Reality game.

You Like Me by Gracerevealed | short, sweet and fluffy

Bucky’s supposed to be helping Sam clean up the remnants of the days’ festivities, not making eyes at him while silently waxing poetic over how lovely he is.

Of Lightsabers and Emotionally-Challenged Supersoldiers by Lunar_Pull | sam is a nerd and bucky is a little stupid and a lot horny

If Bucky Barnes had had a better sense of humor, he might have recognized that there was something ironic about how he’d gone from a feared ex-assassin — the stuff of literal nightmares, a brutal and merciless killer — to what is colloquially referred to as a ‘totally whipped boyfriend.’

They're Good Drones, Brent by chase_acow | an oldie but a goodie

When Redwing becomes infected with an alien A.I., Sam has to balance the needs of the team with his own curiosity about his new partner. Redwing isn’t the only one acting strange, he also needs to get to the bottom of Bucky’s weirdness. It takes a training exercise gone wrong that Redwing and Sam might not survive for their secrets to be exposed.

The Best of Men by iwillnotbecaged | a classic enemies to lovers + wedding planning

Steve and Peggy are getting married, and Steve wants his two best friends by his side. The only problem? They kind of hate each other.

You smile like the sun that shines through the rain by Gracerevealed | post-endgame, angst with a happy ending, great story

After they return - when Thanos is dead, Steve is gone, and Sam is mourning all of their collective losses - Sam decides he needs time alone to get his mind right.

do my best to keep you satisfied by anniebibananie | sambucky cat (and dog) dads, do i need to say more

Bucky brings home stray cats, and Sam brings home a stray dog. Neither ask permission.

of the things you said (that you can't take back now) by dharmainitiative | sweet and funny

“Hey, Sam,” Bucky says in the cheeriest voice Sam’s ever heard.

Sam blinks.

“Yeah, so, he’s been injected with truth serum.”

Access Granted by Suaine | thee redwing fic

Redwing comes back to life with an upgraded AI and has opinions. Especially on Bucky.

Lighthouse by glittercake | if this was a novel, i would pay actual money for it. absolute masterpiece. READ THE TAGS BEFORE YOU START THO

This guy’s trouble. Bucky knows that in his bones. It’s not bad trouble, is the problem, it’s good. Sam is so goddamn inherently good and if Bucky even touches that with a ten foot pole—fuck if he even looks at it—it’ll turn to shit.

To The Full Moon And Back by glittercake | sambucky werewolf au, literally what else do you need

Pity that Bucky doesn’t share the town’s caution when it comes to the woods and his cabin.

This ‘werewolf’ devoured his pizza and left the crust, how scary can he really be?

[booksweet]

Could I request a Gojo fic/drabble/whatever based around Halsey’s song Colors?? I feel like it fits Gojo perfectly. Angsty. Fluffy. Whatever you’re feeling.

Hollow Purple

starring: sorcerer!Gojo x human!reader

synopsis: there was happiness when blue and red met, but they didn't know grey would claim their place in between them.

contents/warnings: ANGST, SFW, slightly mention of blood, trauma, violence (if I miss something, please warn me), both reader and Gojo are 18+

WC: + 2k

A/N: hello, anon! I swear to god I tried to make it a fluff, but I coulnd't, it screamed angst on my mind. This request reminded me I'm into writing pain stuff like my heart was broken a thousand times, and I wish I could say sorry for the pain, but I'm NOT hahaha no regrets. Enjoy!

tags @noritoshiikamo

main navi | masterlist

You were gone. You were gone and destroyed every piece of him, every inch of him were carved by you.

He knew by the first time he saw you that you'd have so much power over him, you could end him without even using words.

And that's what happened.

You with your beautiful eyes, and beautiful red dress. You broke him.

His blue eyes now devoid of bright, of color.

But he knew it was his fault.

His fault to insist bringing you to his world while you should've had stayed in yours, oblivion to everything related to jujutsu. Yet, he couldn't regret it. He would never regret meeting you, and being with you this whole time until you got apart.

There he was, above the skies, searching for cursed spirits who ran away from him, their fear reasoned since he was the strongest above all. He couldn't care less about their feelings. Within the curtain, without non-jujutsu sorceres, he just wanted to finish that spirits as fast as he could to call his day off and eat some sweets.

"Guess I'll have to go a little rough now, uh?" With a movement of his hands, he felt his cursed energy shaking inside him like an ocean of power, such powers had he overwhelmed by years until he could plenty control them.

But suddenly he felt another presence, aside cursed spirits and jujutsu sorcerers, he felt a human presence. With a frown of his browns, he took off his blindfolds, revealing beautiful blue eyes, in order to find out who or what was that feeling. His flowing energy all at once disrupted.

And then, he found you. He found you walking calmly through the lonely streets wearing a red dress he could never forget. "What an interesting..." He muttered checking out if you were truly human, six-eyes working hard to find it and, when he was certainly of it, his interest on you just grew even harder.

You were about to cross an alley between two buildings and he took the chance to teleport there by connecting his hands. You took a few steps and stopped to admire some store's window and he couldn't help but wonder how you were still there in that chaotic place so relaxed and withou fear.

"Who are you?" He came closer to you and you stepped back with surprise, staring at that tall white-haired man with suspicious eyes and a smirk on his lips.

"Who's wanna know?" Your hands ready to punch his face if he dared to try something on you. His growing interest reached alarming levels as his heart bumped hard on his chest.

"I'm Gojo Satoru," He said without approaching you, and with a bow, he added. "The strongest above all. At your service."

"The strongest?" You said while lifting your chin up to him in defiance. "Oddly of you to say that, isn't?"

And he at that right moment, he knew he was lost. He was lost to you.

- x -

He was supposed to protect you, he was supposed to take care of you ever since you met. Instead, he brought you danger, he brought you pain, he brought you despair.

What's the point of being blessed with six-eyes if he couldn't protect the only one he cared the most?

Not a bless, but a curse. A sin held upon his shoulders. A burden so heavy he couldn't breath.

A sin so harmful that had stained you. Your naive soul. Innocent. Heavenly.

And he missed you. He missed your red lips. You red clothes. He missed how your smile seemed to warm him just like the red sunset you two watched once. His blue eyes missed staring at your for hours, drowning in yours.

Blue and red.

Red and blue.

Two parts independent from each other, yet they floated against them, their souls wiling to be one.

Convergence and divergence.

Divergence and convergence.

And when both opposites reunite...

The second time you met, Gojo wasn't on a mission and you weren't in danger at all. You had an average day and stopped by a coffee shop to drink some hot coffee, eat your favorite sweet and maybe read your favorite book just to get away from craziness of your life, you wanted to relax. You were at your favorite table, alone, and the costumers were passing around you and you weren't giving them attention when the doorbell left out a "ring!".

He couldn't help but desire some sweets, it was his nature as sweet-eater. He knew he would bring attention to him, he was tall, handsome as hell and was wearing a blindfold, of course everyone would've looked at him.

But you hadn't looked at him. You didn't even take your eyes out of the pages to check what happend at the cafe. Nevertheless, once again you caught his attention and he recognized you from your first meeting. "What do we have here?" He muttered with a glimpse of a smile on the corner of his lips.

He ordered a chocolate cake and signed the waiter to take it to your table. Meanwhile, he moved his long legs on tour way, like you were a force bringing him closer and closer each step. He moved the chair loudly and had his seat in front of you. "Hello, Y/N! Long time no see, ugh?"

Surprised by his suddenly entrance, you put your book down and looked straight at him. That weird man you met months ago, still you felt different about him. "Long time no see, strongest above all" you replied playfully. "What bring your majesty up here?"

— x —

When you third met, it was your first date. That turned into a second, and then a third, a fourth... And suddenly you were about all his life, above your weird friendship. All at once you became the one he needed the most to feel himself.

Yet he chose not to tell you about jujutsu. He chose not to tell you about his powers. About why he couldn't stay a little longer with you at your place. About where he would've been travel out of city for weeks without giving any news if he was okay.

He dissapeared for weeks in a roll. And you worried about him. About his blue eyes. You worried about never going to see him again, even though you didn't figure out what you feared at all.

Once, he came back of one of those long trips, after several weeks of nothing about him, but what he gave you to remind of him — his shirt, a photograph of you two, one of his blindfolds.

And you couldn't help but cry while kissing him. You couldn't help but to say you loved him you never wanted for him to disappear. And he would retrieve, he would say he loved you so hard you had him in your hands. He was yours to be loved, to be destroyed.

The strongest on his knees at a human's mercy.

Had never his eyes sight such a colorful being, such a colorful existence. He was at your mercy, his existence, his entire being was yours to paint, to stain, to rip him apart if you wanted.

And then, when you two lay down together, messy sheets and pillows. Blue and red met once again, but not apart, they were together. That time blue and red turned into a beautiful tone of purple.

— x —

Someday you would find out, he knew it. Yet, he still longed for time to be with you, time to be himself without necessarily being the strongest, the head of his clan, the balance between cursed spirits and jujutsu sorcerers.

But he knew he had no time, you had no time with him. There wasn't enough time with jujutsu and curses. They would've come for you by anytime.

He masked his worries from you. He always seemed so happy in his nonchalant and playful way. Always trying to annoy you and make you laugh everytime you spent together.

You mocked the "strongest above all" out of him every opportunity you had. And this had him caring about you more and more.

But then it wasn't a joke anymore.

Jujutsu were real.

Cursed spirits were real.

And you were just a human.

Alone.

Blood. Red. Everything is red. Everything is blood. Pain. You were in pain screaming. You couldn't see what hurt you, but that ominous feeling was still there in your place. "What happened? What happened? Who are you? Who are you?" You couldn't help keep muttering it like a prayer, thinking of Gojo who was to come by and see your hurt state.

But Gojo Satoru felt the overflowed cursed energy arisen from your place. His bare eyes naked with worry and, for the first time, fear. And then he broke. Every piece of him.

He found you on the floor, muttering non-sense words — including his name in your dizzy state — blood running over you limbs, torso and head. A cut on your beautiful face. And above you, at the ceiling, that goddamn cursed spirit laughing out loud mocking you. Mocking your pain. Your despair.

He ran out of control. He released this powers untamed, uncontrolled. In a blink of an eye he exorcised that cursed spirit from existence. He was furious, feral. He could bring fire to the world if it means to keep you safe, to keep you alive. "Y/N?" He came closer to you, checking out your pulse as his hand held your wrist. It was so weak his heart almost stopped. "Don't leave me, please. You don't deserve to die."

— x —

When everything fell apart, he took you to Shoko at Jujutsu High nursery. She healed your physical wounds in silence while he stayed by your side. You kept unconscious the process, sometimes mumbling while your expression turned into a painful one.

When you woke up at his place, you said nothing. Nothing came out from your mouth, even though he tried to make you speak. He kissed your forehead, your cheeks. You could hear him say "Love, love, love, please, talk to me" in a desperate broken tone.

Yet you couldn't say a thing.

When purple turned into grey, everything faded away. Everything blurred.

Happiness overpowered by despair and pain. You were broken such as the beautiful thing you two had.

"Y/N, please, please, I'm begging," Once more his voice muffled on your ears. Why they hold such pain? "I'm on my knees, Y/N, please, come back, come back to me."

He told you the truth about him so many times expecting some reaction, something from you. Yet he received anything at all. You were numb to reality, there was nothing he could do about that.

But one day, after weeks and weeks of him trying to call you back, you spoke for the first time. Pale eyes meeting him lifeless. And he felt his world falling apart again. "I want to go" You whispered and he widened his pretty eyes full of tears.

"What, Y/N?"

"I want to leave. I wanto to go away from here. Take me out, take me out, take me out..." You kept saying repeatdly, each time a knife stabbing his heart.

"Y/N, love..." He tried to touch your hair, but you moved away from him.

"No, no," You muttered afraid. "It's your fault. The monsters. The blood. The pain..." You shrunk yourself in your bed, crying. "The nightmares. It's your fault." Your crying getting louder and louder. "I wish I could forget you."

"Y/N, I-I," He struggled his words, afraid and crying. "You know I can protect you, you know I will."

Your voice cold in his ears aside your tears. "No, you can't."

— x —

Blue bright eyes once, but not anymore. Not when the reason they shone for now It's gone. When you've chosen to forget him since your accident.

That was what you asked, to forget. To forget the pain, the blood the nightmares, him...

It was quite easy to manipulate your memories, cursed energy manipulation and then it's done. Not that it means it did not hurt him, but it had to be done.

When light came back to your eyes, Gojo's bright faded away.

When you smiled red, blue was not his color anymore.

When your life was colorful, his was grey and devoid of any color.

Red and blue turned into purple. His heart was craved by yours, when you were together.

Purple danced in front of his eyes as his memories overflowed his mind. Blue eyes crying because of red.

Blue eyes seeing grey because now red is gone forever and blue is alone.