#no one else around me is really taking covid-19 seriously

[live-laugh-lenney]

ok ok hear me out: george makes a new friend thru social media connections and he is really nervous to ask her out but after his friends give him some convincing…he finally does (very nervously)

i love your fics btw babes

"just ask her, you cretin."

george rolled his eyes at arthur hill's commonly used insult for him in regards to his stupidity and stared back down at his phone held in his hand, eyes focused on the small text bubble that said 'hello', a text so vague yet made his heart pump rapidly in his chest.

yn was someone he met through tiktok during the 'beep' saga in the 2020 covid-19 lockdown.

she had her own account, her own tiny following, her own format and short-form content that would usually appear on his 'for you' page, and she attended the same content creator events as him - he just never plucked up the courage to go and speak to her, to introduce himself formally... but, then again, neither did she.

she found herself admiring his sense of humour and the content he was gracing people with through lockdown and she wasn't shy when it came to showing her enjoyment online. always looking for updates on his page, commenting her ideas, expressing how it was the one thing she had to look forward to during her boring days out of work. and it was during that time that he reciprocated; liking her videos, commenting and showing his own enjoyment towards her content.

"what if she completely airs me?"

"why would she?" chris wonders, feet kicked up on the sofa as he had the football highlights from the weekend playing on the television, "i mean, she's been keeping you entertained for years, george. and not just by her tiktok account. she actually keeps talking to you like she's interested in what you have to tell her."

george could heart he sarcasm dripping from his roommates voice and he couldn't stop himself from throwing a middle finger up in his direction.

"i'm just saying," chris holds his hands up in surrender, "joking or not, she wouldn't be messaging you constantly if she didn't like you in any way."

"i don't want her to like me in any way," george groans heavily, rolling his head back and arthur can't help but laugh at the dilemma his best friend was, "i want her to like me like me."

"this is such a bunch of teenage girl bullshit, george," chris cackles and looks in his direction; the way his phone was on the breakfast bar, between his hands as he leant against the top, "grow a pair of bollocks and just ask her out. what's the worst that could happen? she says no."

"you'll never know if you don't ask her," arthur says and george brings his attention from the ceiling and to the eyes of his two roommates, "seriously, you are so in love. it's sickening."

silence fell in their flat.

the two boys stared at george as he contemplated his decisions. the way his eyes stared at his phone, like he was trying to come up with a good way to carry on with the conversation she had been willing to start, anticipating what his movement was going to be.

"you're currently airing her."

"yes, thank you, christopher," george retorts and picks his phone up from the kitchen island, his thumbs working on a response back to her, "you guys suck at the whole 'wingman' thing, by the way. you're supposed to be nice, make me feel less nervous-"

"just ask her out, idiot. wingmen or not, we just want this to be over."

"the pining needs to stop now. george, just ask her or else someone else will come along," arthur insists, walking passed him and giving his shoulder a soft squeeze, "although, what she sees in your massive head is completely beyond me."

"what one?" george asks with a smirk on his lips and chris lets out a cackle, which bellows around the flat, leaving arthur bewildered in his response, "what?"

george disappears into his room, closing the door behind him, laying on his bed and he could feel his heart beginning to race again. what he wanted was to call her his girlfriend, but to take her out on a date was something he was nervous to do, wanting to surprise her and for it to be the best date she's ever been on. years of friendship and it could be ruined within seconds...

How are you? Are you okay?

I'm good, yeah. Sorry, you caught me in a bad time.

Oh, I'm sorry. Everything sorted now?

Sorted.

What are you doing Thursday night?

I tweeted about doing a live-stream on Tiktok that night, why?

My local down the road does a karaoke night on Thursdays and I was wondering if you fancied it?

Oh, that sounds brilliant.

With Chris and the two Arthur's, too? That sounds like a great night, count me in!

Just me.

And you.

I was thinking more of a date kind of thing.

Oh.

I'm so sorry, George.

his mind was racing.

sorry for what?

for assuming she was invited out with him and his friends? or for not being as interested in a date with him as he was to date her? he could feel his bottom lip going numb as he chewed on the flesh nervously and he could feel the deep pit in his stomach feel empty.

I'd love to.

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender No Outbreak AU - Ch. 5

The Miller family grows. The final part of the Lavender No Outbreak AU, continued from Ch. 1-4 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Smut :), Some slurs (anti-LGBTQIA+ - they are immediately rebuked). No use of Y/N. Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 4.3k

Tuesday, September 14, 2021 

“Hey Doc?” Jess slid up beside you at the nurses station where you were reviewing charts. “That one kid from Boston is here for the trial? She’s that special case?” 

“Oh right,” you said. “God, thank you for reminding me. Swear I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached this week, I’m just all over the map.” 

You’d been scrambling for weeks to get everything in place for the first clinical trial the hospital was facilitating since the COVID-19 pandemic. You hadn’t fully realized just how much the pandemic had taken out of you before that, just how much had changed. 

It was like you’d been in total crisis mode for a year, all the time. It had damn near fried your brain. You basically lived at the hospital. When you were home, you slept in the garage, where Joel had set up a cot and TV and a loveseat, too afraid of getting him or Evie sick to go in the house. You smiled at your husband and daughter through glass, wanting more than anything to just touch them. The second everyone was vaccinated, Joel held you for hours, clinging to you like a man at sea clings to a life raft. 

It was so hard, now, to do anything normal. Your mind kept scattering, trying to find the crisis that needed solving first before it could do anything like planning or building things out. Arranging the trial had been an uphill slog. 

“What’s this kid’s name again?” You asked. 

“Ellie,” she replied. “She’s a character, I think you’ll like her.” 

Jess knocked once on the door to the hospital room and opened it. Inside was a small girl, maybe 12, playing a video game on the TV. Something where she was shooting zombies. You smiled a little. She paused it. 

“Hi Ellie,” Jess smiled. “I wanted to introduce you to Dr. Miller, she’s going to be running your trial and the lead doctor on your case.” 

“Hi Ellie,” you smiled. She looked you up and down. 

“Hi,” she said. “So you’re the one who’s going to go poking around with my blood and junk?” 

“Yup,” you popped the p. “We’re going to run some tests, steal as much blood of yours as we can to feed the vampires in the basement, and then hopefully get you so that you’re not coming in and dealing with people like me quite so much. Sound good?” 

She considered you seriously. 

“You really think you can make a difference?” She asked. “Because going to the hospital all the time is kind of bullshit.” 

You laughed a little. 

“Yeah, that must get old real quick,” you said. “And it’s probably not fun having to give up your blood and stuff all the time, huh?” 

“Yeah, that part really sucks,” she slumped back in her pillows.

You frowned, getting the sense that she wanted to say something else. 

“Want to tell me all the stuff that sucks about it?” You asked, coming and sitting on the edge of her bed. “I might be able to help.” 

“Can you help find me parents who will deal with taking me to the hospital all the time if this doesn’t work?” She asked. “Because I’m pretty sure having a broken kid is a deal breaker when the people who want to adopt someone start shopping around.” 

Your heart broke a little in that moment. Her face was hard, her small chin jutting out defiantly, but she was hurting. You knew she was.

“Well if they wouldn’t take care of you when you’re not feeling well, they’re not the kinds of parents you’d want anyway,” you said. 

“How would you know?” She muttered. 

“I don’t have parents either,” you shrugged. She looked at you, skeptical. “And not just because I’m old. I never had parents, my dad left before I was born and my mom left two months after she had me. It sucks, I get it. 

“But trust me, there are a lot of parents I see in here who are good and a lot who aren’t. And the not good ones? It’s better to have no parents than them,” you said. “So really, you just have built in protection. Immunity from the extra crappy parents.” 

She laughed once. 

“Maybe I should keep the screwed up blood then,” she said. 

“Nah, think we’ll fix that,” you said. “Make sure you’re all set and ready to take it easy once you’re a grown up. Just give all the potential parents a really tough questionnaire. See if you can trip them up. You seem smart, I think you can weed them out with enough practice. OK?” 

“OK,” she half smiled at you. 

The rest of the day went by and your mind kept drifting back to Ellie. You grabbed Jess on her way down to the cafeteria. 

“Hey,” you said quickly. “Ellie, where is she staying while she’s here for the trial?” 

“One of the group homes,” she said. “It’s not ideal but it’s the only arrangement we could come up with and the trial would be really good for her…” 

You nodded slowly and thanked her before ducking outside and calling Joel. 

“Hey Baby,” he answered. You were almost surprised. His contracting business had picked up quite a bit in recent years and he spent most of his days running from job site to job site to manage progress. He couldn’t always answer the phone on the job.

“I know you’re busy so I’ll make it quick,” you said. “How would you feel about becoming foster parents?” 

Tuesday, October 5, 2021 

You got your third daughter for your 43rd birthday. 

Jess had helped speed you and Joel through the process to get approved to take her home, Sarah almost strangely OK with you dismantling her old room to make it something Ellie would like, excited about getting her new sister.

You’d given Ellie your tablet one day during lunch, letting her go on Amazon and pick out bedding and decorations for her room. You’d had to transfer care for her to another doctor - though she still got to stick with the trial - but it was worth it. 

She and Joel became such fast friends it almost made your head spin. You introduced the two one day when he came by to meet you for lunch. Ellie was playing her zombie game and he asked if he could join in. 

“Don’t want you dragging my stats down,” she said. 

“Think I can keep up,” he replied. She looked skeptical but handed him the second controller, anyway. Joel, you were happy to say, did surprisingly well. He even tallied more kills than Ellie did. 

“No way,” she said. “We’re trading controllers, mine doesn’t work right.” 

“Tellin’ ya,” he said. “Nothin’ to do with the controller and everything to do with how you handle the scenario…” 

He traded controllers anyway. He bested her a second time, shrugging with a slight smile. 

“You dick!” She laughed. He laughed back. 

When you left the room he put his hands in his back pockets and sighed. 

“Can’t let her go to a group home,” he said. “Just throw her in the car and bring ‘er home, fuck the rules.” 

You kissed him, not sure you’d ever loved him more. 

“Oh cool, you didn’t say you had a pool!” She ran to the sliding glass door, pressing her nose against it before looking back at you. “Can you teach me to swim?” 

“Sure,” you smiled. “Might be a little cold to now but…” 

“Think I can handle it,” she replied. 

You showed her around the house, introduced her to Evie, left her to settle into her room and sat next to Joel on the couch. 

“Happy birthday, Baby,” he kissed your temple. “Been a good one?” 

“Oh cool!” Ellie stuck her head into the hall. “There’s a freaking telescope in here?” 

She ran back into her room. 

You smiled.

“Pretty damn good.” 

***

Tuesday, August 29, 2023 

Joel wasn’t exactly thrilled to get a call from Ellie’s school when they’d barely been back a week. 

“Mr. Miller,” the woman on the phone said. “I’m afraid we couldn’t reach your wife but Ellie has been fighting at school…” 

“On my way,” he replied, yelling instructions to Tommy as he jogged to his truck. 

He wasn’t quite sure what to do here. Sarah and Evie had hardly been scrappy girls. Sure, they had some behavioral issues here and there - Evie got into the bad habit of sneaking out of the house her senior year of high school, something that worried both you and Joel to no end. 

But neither of them had ever thrown a punch. 

At least, as far as he knew. 

Ellie, strangely, was more like him than either of his biological daughters. He saw it when she played her video games, the way she got worked up and invested in them. He saw it when she noticed some kind of injustice and stomped off to try to handle it herself, resorting almost immediately to physical solutions instead of trying to talk it out. Joel understood her better than you did. 

But even though Ellie was on the scrappy side, he doubted she’d have started hitting someone unless she had a damn good reason. He just needed to figure out what it was. 

You pulled into the parking lot behind him, parking alongside his truck. 

“Hey Baby,” he pulled you in for a quick kiss. “They said they couldn’t reach you.” 

“Yeah, I was closing when they called,” you replied. “I got the message only a few minutes later and just got changed and ran over… There has to be a reason, right? I mean, Ellie is Ellie but she wouldn’t hit someone without a damn good reason.” 

He smiled a little at you. 

“Told you lately that I fuckin’ love you?” He asked. “Because I fuckin’ love you.” 

You led the way into the building, beelining for the administration offices. Joel recognized the look in your eyes. It was the look you got when something had pissed you off and you were going to fix it, come hell or high water. 

It was a look that had made you advance at the hospital, knowing exactly when to use your tenacity to go after something you thought needed to change, knowing exactly how to go about it to make it happen. Whether it was making nice with the right people or going scorched earth, you always seemed to find the right way to navigate it. 

Joel almost felt sorry for the staff as you walked into the office. He knew your scorched earth look when he saw it. 

“Hi,” you said. “We’re the Millers, Ellie Williams’ parents. We were told she was here?” 

“Of course,” the woman led the two of you back to a counselor’s office. 

Ellie was sitting in the corner, arms crossed, her eye black. She looked pissed, like she was on the verge of tears.

“Oh Baby Girl,” Joel went and dropped to his knee in front of her, taking his face in his hand. “Who hit you?” 

“Stupid girl,” she muttered. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Miller,” the counselor smiled tightly. “I’m afraid we have a problem here.” 

“Yes,” you said, not taking the woman’s outstretched hand. “I’m afraid we do. Is there a reason my daughter clearly hasn’t been to the nurse’s office? She doesn’t have an ice pack for her eye, who knows what other injuries she might have…” 

“Well, the girl Ellie hit is in the nurse’s office now,” the woman responded, defensive. “We can send Ellie down after…” 

“No need,” you replied. “She’ll be coming home with us until we can establish whether or not your school can provide competent care for our child.” 

“Well, your child hit another student,” she said. “In front of several teachers. She threw the first punch. The first several, actually…” 

“She started it!” Ellie yelled. You gave her a look and she sat back in her chair, muttering. “Well, she did….” 

“Did you talk to this other girl?” You asked the counselor, eyebrows raised. “Or did you just blame my child because she’s newer to the district and in foster care?” 

“I can assure you, Ellie’s status had nothing to do…” 

“Ellie,” you turned to her. “Why did you hit the other girl?” 

She looked at you for a second before looking to Joel, her eyes pleading. 

“Come on, Baby Girl,” he said. “You have to tell us what happened or we can’t help you.” 

“It… it involves bad words,” she glanced at the counselor. 

“You can say them,” Joel said, looking at the counselor too, all but daring her to try to tell him otherwise. 

Ellie sighed. 

“She called my friend Riley a dyke,” she looked to the floor. “Said she was going to burn in hell…” 

“And that’s when you hit her?” You asked, voice calm. 

“No,” Ellie looked up. “Then she said that she wanted to kill all the dykes to send them to hell faster. Then I hit her.” 

Joel felt his blood get hot. Didn’t matter that it was toward another teenager, Joel wanted someone to hurt. He glanced to you, your jaw squared, and you looked back toward the counselor. 

“So you just let children in your school use genocidal language toward other students?” You asked. 

“Mrs. Miller…” 

“It’s Dr. Miller, actually,” you cut her off. “Since you apparently didn’t bother to look in Ellie’s file and see what her foster mother does for a living, I’ll fill you in. I’m the chief of pediatric surgery for the largest hospital system in Austin which means I know every single social worker in the county. I’ve treated the children of some of the most powerful people in the state because they seek me out. I am more than willing to call in every single favor that I have - which I promise is a lot - and leverage every single cent I own to personally destroy you and everyone in this district who allows such behavior to run unchecked. I will orchestrate a PR nightmare so thorough you won’t recover for years. You will have to beg Ronald McDonald for a job slinging fries by the time I’m done with you, do you understand me?” 

The woman glanced at Joel who just shrugged. He wasn’t about to help her. She was lucky she was dealing with you, you were just threatening her livelihood. He was tempted to threaten her life.  

“If you want to keep your job,” you said. “You’re going to investigate this incident as thoroughly as possible. You are going to remove that other girl from this school before she hurts anyone else. You are going to institute new training procedures so your faculty and staff know how to handle incidents with LGBTQ students because, apparently, that needs some improvement around here. Think you can handle that?” 

“I’ll discuss it with the principal,” her eyes were a little wide. Joel smirked. 

“Good,” you replied. “I’ll be in touch to follow up. In the mean time, I’m going to take Ellie home as an excused absence to make sure she receives appropriate medical attention for injuries she received while under your care. I’ll also be reaching out to my attorney to make sure any and all liability in this case is appropriately considered.” 

You stood up and Ellie stood up with you. You put your arm around her. 

“Come on,” you said. “We’re going home.” 

Ellie pressed herself against your side and gave you a quick hug before she climbed in Joel’s car. 

“For the record,” Joel said. “Not sure I’ve ever wanted to fuck you more than when you were chewing out that counselor.” 

“Good to know I can still turn you on,” you teased before you sighed. “So, Ellie’s friend…” 

“Always kinda figured,” he shrugged. “She’ll tell us when she’s ready.” 

“Yeah,” you said. “See you at home?” 

He kissed you. 

“Hopefully more than see you.” 

That night at dinner, Ellie only picked at her food, moving it around on her plate. 

“We’re not mad at you, Baby Girl,” Joel said, looking at her. “You know that, right?” 

She sighed. 

“I know.” 

“Want to talk about anything?” You asked. 

“You called me your daughter,” she said. 

Joel looked at you for a moment. 

“Well yeah,” Joel shrugged. “That’s how we think of you. We can use another word if you’d rather but…” 

“OK but if I’m your daughter why haven’t you tried to adopt me?” She asked, looking between you. “I mean, if you just don’t want to…” 

“Oh Baby Girl,” Joel leaned in closer to her. “Do you want us to adopt you? Because we just didn’t want to do anything that you weren’t askin’ for. We’d love nothing more than to adopt you.” 

“Really?” She asked. 

“Of course!” You smiled. “What, you think we let just any ol’ gremlin come in here? Just the special ones.” 

She smiled a little at that. 

“Cool.” 

You started the paperwork in the morning. 

Saturday, October 7, 2023 

Joel had been looking for a good reason to take all his girls camping and your birthday seemed to be a good a reason as any. 

Sarah came with Brandon and Carson, who was now five. Evie was happy for an excuse to get away from college after a bad breakup with her girlfriend. Ellie was just excited to get to spend more time with her sisters. Even Tommy came with his wife, Maria. Just when they’d started to expect him to never settle down, he met the perfect woman. Unlike Joel, he wasted no time in locking her down, a fact he loved to rub in. 

And Joel? He was just happy to have all his favorite people under one roof. 

He’d rented a cabin big enough that you and him would have some space - since he fully intended on making you cum until you couldn’t see straight - and grabbed steak and hot dogs and enough junk food to feed a small army. 

Sarah still lit her marshmallows on fire for Smores but Joel caught her stealing some of Brandon’s less burned ones when they were all around the campfire one night. He took Carson and Ellie down to the lake and taught them both how to fish while you and Sarah stayed back at the cabin to chat, the two of you still the best of friends decades after he’d first hired you to be her nanny. He made the mistake of letting you pick the hike one day and he paid the price when Evie - who’d always been clumsy - twisted her ankle. Joel had to carry her back to camp, you cursing yourself for not packing more first aid supplies in your hiking bag. Ellie set up her telescope in a clearing and spent hours looking at the stars, far enough from the city lights that she was in awe of them. 

“Good birthday?” Joel asked as you climbed into bed beside him the last night there. 

“Perfect birthday,” you kissed him. 

His hands drifted to your breast and you smiled against his mouth. 

“Some things never change, do they?” You teased. 

“You stop wantin’ it and I’ll stop doin’ it,” he replied, sliding a hand over your body to your leg, hitching it over his hip. 

“You know me so well.” 

He undressed you slowly, taking his time touching you everywhere he knew you loved his fingers to linger. When you tugged his pants down, you took his length in your hand, working him up and down for a moment, before you took him in your mouth, so hot and wet he had to stop himself from moaning too loud. You sucked him slowly, working your way down his thick shaft until you were nearly choking on him before going back up again, moving harder and faster each time, your tongue pressing against the thick vein that ran on the underside of him. 

“Fuck, Baby,” he groaned. “Tryin’ to make me cum before I’m even inside you?” 

You choked out something that sounded like a ‘no’ from around his cock and he groaned. 

“You get just another minute of that,” he said, straining to keep his composure. “Want to cum inside your pussy, not your mouth.” 

Just when he felt like he couldn’t take anymore, he grabbed your hair and pulled you off him, panting for breath. You wiped your mouth. 

“Here I thought you liked that,” you whispered. 

“More than liked it,” he muttered, grabbing your hips and yanking you toward him with a quiet yelp followed by a giggle. “Gonna have to do something to make sure you keep bein’ that good to me…” 

He dipped his fingers into you, making you groan. He smiled. 

“This wet just from suckin’ me off?” He breathed. You moaned in response. “Fucking hell, you really are the perfect woman…” 

He added another finger and leaned down, taking your clit into his mouth, sucking and licking you while his fingers opened you until you came so hard it felt like you might snap off his fingers.

Joel slipped his fingers from you and ran them over his cock, using your wetness to make him slick enough to enter you. He notched his head against you and settled between your legs, pressing into you in one firm, demanding stroke. 

“Fuck,” you panted, your back arching. “So full…” 

“Love you full of me,” he said, grinding himself against you before pulling back and pushing into you again. 

Your arms went around his neck as he picked up the pace, pressing his cock all the way into you with each stroke. You pushed yourself up off the bed and he smiled, kissing you as he helped you to straddle his lap while he was still inside you. He held you close while you rose and fell over him, thrusting up to meet you with every firm stroke. Your breasts bounced with the force of it, your head tilted back in pleasure as he sucked and licked his way up and down your throat. 

“Joel,” you breathed. “Want to cum with you. So close…” 

“Fuck Baby,” he groaned as you moved harder, faster, angling your hips so his stomach pressed into your clit while his head caught on the spot inside you that made you moan. He liked to think of that spot as his place in you, where he’d been made to reach and satisfy. Never did he feel as complete as when he was inside you, making you cum around him. 

“Joel,” you gasped as you started to cum again, clinging to him with your whole body. He thrust into you once more before filling you. 

“Love you so much,” he kissed you, your body pressed tight against his own. “Fuck, I love you.” 

When things went back to the normal routine after the camping trip, Joel printed off a picture that Sarah had taken on her phone during the hike. It was just before Evie had twisted her ankle and everyone was smiling, the frame filled with the faces of everyone Joel had ever loved. 

He wrote on the back of the picture, as though he’d ever forget who any of you were to him: “My girls + Carson, Me, Tommy, Maria and Brandon - October, 2023.” 

You worked until after seven that night. Joel made dinner - nothing like what you could do but you kissed him like you thought it was a gourmet meal all the same - and Ellie was out with her friend Riley. 

“Anything you in the mood for this evening?” He asked, pouring you another glass of wine. 

“Nothing in particular,” you smiled. “Oh, we could watch When Harry Met Sally! Such fantastic fall vibes…” 

“I think I can handle that,” he smiled a little. 

“I mean, it is your favorite movie,” you smiled back. “I’ll clean up if you want to get it queued up?” 

He found the movie on the Apple TV and was about to set it to play when he glanced at the record player in the corner. You’d painted little purple flowers along one side of it. They’d faded and chipped a bit since but he still loved those little flowers, a physical representation of you. He lit the candle on the coffee table - lavender scented, one of your favorites. He pulled out Slowhand and set it to play Wonderful Tonight just as he heard the water cut off in the kitchen. You laughed, leaning in the doorway to the living room. 

“Clapton, hm?” You asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Well, when the song stops bein’ true, I’ll stop playin’ it,” he held his hand out to you. You smiled hugely and took it, tucking yourself against him. He held you close, swaying in time to the music, the smell of lavender on the air. 

You stretched up to kiss him as the song ended and Joel turned the record player off before settling in beside you on the couch, glass of wine in hand. 

“I think our little ‘how we met video’ for this movie would be fun,” you said during the opening credits. “Me, a college girl with a crush…” 

“Me, an old man who was practically head over heels for you from first sight,” he said. 

You laughed. 

“Think we’ve made a pretty good go of it though,” you looked up at him through your eyelashes. 

He smiled and kissed your forehead, surrounded by your warmth, the signs of the children you’d raised with him, and the smell of lavender. 

“Wouldn’t change a damn thing.” 

A/N: Thank you so much for reading this overly long exercise in "What would happen if?" I like to think this version of Doc and Joel are living in Austin right now, happy with their girls.

Thanks for being here, thanks for sticking with it, thanks for being a part of this. Love you all!

[chronicallypainful]

My recent antidepressant adventures

Before I go any further, let me be really clear about one thing. This is my personal experience with anti-depressants. It is not a typical experience at all. Antidepressants can be life-changing (in a positive way) and even life-saving for some people. I'm going to express a lot of frustration with what these drugs did to me, how they were studied, and how I was informed about their possible risks. This is not intended to deter anyone else from taking these medications if it makes sense after a conversation with your doctor about the risks and benefits for you.

Some history. I actually started taking my first antidepressant before my pain disorder was even diagnosed. My GP hadn't been able to give me a proper diagnosis for my pain but suggested that Cymbalta might still help. It did help somewhat, and I stayed on it for several years. A couple years later, after I've gotten a proper diagnosis, the rheumatologist who diagnosed me suggested trying Savella instead of Cymbalta for my pain. I had significant headaches and dizziness while trying to transition from one drug to another, and my doctor and I made the decision to discontinue that transition and return to Cymbalta.

Fast forward about four years and I'm a graduate student. My anxiety has gotten really bad and started to seriously interfere with my studies, which is finally enough to motivate me to see a psychiatrist. After trying a few other things, this doctor concluded that I was having an unusual side effect of SNRI's where they can actually make anxiety worse. So he had me taper to zoloft, an SSRI. The side effects were again terrible. For about two weeks I laid on the floor of my apartment and tried not to move because any movement made me extremely dizzy. I picked the floor rather than my bed because the stability of the floor minimized my dizziness. Even shifting position in bed made me feel like I was spinning around or swinging in a hammock. Within a couple days of reducing my Zoloft, though, my anxiety improved considerably. That improvement and anxiety gave me the motivation to wait it out. It was a couple months before I was fully back to normal, but the worst of the dizziness and other symptoms improved within three weeks.

And now we are reaching close to the present. I've been struggling with anxiety quite a bit for the past several years, though I have been quite successful at blaming it on external (and hopefully temporary) factors: COVID-19, moving to a new city, starting a new job, having difficulty obtaining disability accommodations at that job. Well, this past January, I made the decision, together with my therapist, that I should see a specialist about medication management and hopefully see if a change in medication could help me. To say that that has backfired would be a massive understatement.

I found a physicians assistant in psychiatry who I genuinely do like. I had my first appointment with her in late January. I shared with her my prior experiences changing antidepressant medication and how many side effects I've had and how severe those side effects have been. She promised me that we would use a very slow taper, and also assured me that she would support me with FMLA paperwork if I needed to take time off of work due to side effects. She recommended that I try lexapro, wrote me a prescription and a tapering schedule, and sent me on my way.

Somehow, this time was worse. Within two days of starting the taper, I was dizzy, had frequent headaches, couldn't sleep through the night, had frequent mood swings, and was having alternating diarrhea and constipation. Based on my experience switching from Cymbalta to Zoloft, I assumed these symptoms should resolve within three or four weeks. They did not.

I spoke with my provider at the three week mark. She told me that she was surprised I was having such severe side effects but that she thought they would go away once I was stable on a constant dose of Lexapro.

So I stuck it out. I had to work from home because I couldn't safely drive. I couldn't take my dog on walks because I was scared he might pull me off balance leading to me falling. Instead of taking my dog on walks, I took my hiking sticks for extra balance. My exercise was limited to just walking because, again, I couldn't drive. I struggled with social isolation.

After a five week taper, I was on a constant dose of Lexapro. I was still having the same set of side effects. There were day to day variations in severity but no trend towards improvement. I spoke with my doctor again and she encouraged me to give Lexapro a full four weeks for everything to stabilize. I did. It didn't get better.

At this point, I've been dealing with substantial additional impairment for a full two months. I haven't driven in two months. My ability to exercise and manage my pain disorder has been significantly limited. I have been socially isolated, making my anxiety worse. I want to be done and this is what I tell my provider. She agrees to a rapid two week taper off of Lexapro. Unfortunately, eliminating the symptoms would not be so easy.

During the two week taper, my symptoms are very similar to what they have been. I'm still dizzy. I'm still having G.I. symptoms. I'm still having mood swings.

I took my last dose of Lexapro on April 8. A couple days later, the symptoms got much worse. My dizziness got substantially more severe. I no longer felt safe taking a walk, even with my walking sticks. I felt like I had a fever, complete with the chills and the alternating sensations of feeling hot and cold. My sleep is a total mess, and I'm waking up more than a dozen times each night, eventually lying in bed tossing and turning for hours. I'm crying uncontrollably about everything and nothing. I started experiencing a lot of muscle tightness especially in my shoulders and upper back, and this leads to severe pain.

Up to this point, I had been continuing to work full-time from home. After this new wave of even more intense withdrawal symptoms, even I had to admit that I couldn't do it anymore. I've reached out to HR and medical provider and coordinated medical leave. I ended up being fully off work for three weeks, and then I worked part time for another month after that.

Through the months of April and May, most of my symptoms did resolve. By the time I reached June, I was only left with the muscle tightness (And accompanying pain) and the dizziness. And it's honestly hard to tell where the line is between medication withdrawal causing tight muscles and fibromyalgia simply perpetuating tight muscles. But the dizziness has been extremely stubborn. It has slowly improved since mid April, but I am still dizzy as I sit here today writing this post in late July.

As I sit here today, it has been 3 1/2 months since my last dose of an antidepressant. And yet I am still dizzy. As I sit here today, I don't feel it is safe for me to drive after about 2 PM (the severity of my dizziness is related to time of day). As I sit here today, I am still socially isolated by my inability to drive in the evenings. As I sit here today, my pain management options are limited, again by my inability to drive. As I sit here today, I don't have a good explanation for why I am still dizzy 3 1/2 months after discontinuing my antidepressant.

At risk of stating the obvious, this is not what I signed up for. I knew I had had bad reactions to changing antidepressant medications in the past. I knew that I might have severe symptoms for several weeks. But I never dreamed that it would be several months. And I never guessed that those several months were turning into half a year.

I am angry, pissed off, livid. I'm also scared. While my dizziness does seem to still be very slowly improving, I'm scared that it won't resolve. I'm scared that it will become one more chronic issue that I have to manage. I'm scared this is another manifestation of central sensitization and that, now that I've had the sensitizing experience, I won't ever be able to fully recover due to my broken nervous system. A lot of that is probably my anxiety disorder talking. But my brain isn't pulling these things from thin air. The last time I had a medical issue which lasted multiple months and for which I could not get a clear explanation doing those many months, well, I ended up with my chronic pain disorder.

[fellthemarvelous]

I hate the holidays so much. My depression is already bad, but the holiday season just amplifies it.

Thanksgiving 2020, my mom and I prepared a meal for me and her and my dad. We were still in the middle of COVID, she had been receiving chemo treatments since summer of that year, but she had stage 4 cancer so there was no cure. We laughed our way through preparations though because neither of us had actually ever cooked a turkey before.

I remember giving her a hug. We were talking about what we would do differently for Thanksgiving 2021 (like getting a Honey Baked Ham instead of a turkey), and then she told me she didn't think she would be around anymore by the time Thanksgiving rolled around again. I told her not to think like that. It was impossible for me to imagine a world without my mom in it.

A month later I had to take her to the ER because she was having trouble walking. She went into the hospital the day before Christmas Eve, and a month later I had to say goodbye to her. She never came home again.

My brother and sister flew out when she was admitted into the hospital, but it was still in the midst of COVID and we couldn't spend time with her. She was in triage for three days before they finally found a room for her in the ICU.

The cancer was in her lungs (she never smoked a day in her life), in her spine, and it was spreading like wildfire throughout her brain. There were two weeks where she was in the hospital and we didn't get to see her once because of how rampant COVID was (and the people who fucking refused to take the pandemic seriously).

They had to intubate her because she stopped breathing on her own, and then finally we learned that there was nothing else they could do for her, so she ended up in hospice.

Christmas and New Years was spent worrying about my mom and being upset because we couldn't sit with her in the hospital. My mom spent about two weeks in hospice after that, and I stayed with her as much as I possibly could.

She passed away on a night I was unable to stay, in the final days of January 2021. Exactly one month before my sister's birthday and just a little over a month before my 40th birthday. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't get to live long enough to see me reach 40.

My sister's kids didn't get to fly out to visit my mom because my sister, a single mom, wasn't able to afford plane tickets for all three of them. She couldn't even get the time off work to stay out here with us for a full 24 hours.

And now my sister's former mother-in-law has stage 4 cancer, so the kids are about to lose their only other grandmother to an aggressive form of cancer as well. It hasn't even been a week since we learned this information.

It was 19 degrees outside the day we had my mom's funeral, but this same woman stood next to me while we watched them lower my mom's casket into the ground, with her arms wrapped around me, to give me some small amount of comfort on one of the worst days of my life.

And she's been cursed with a fate just as cruel as my mom's.

I feel so small. I'm broke and jobless and feel like an entirely worthless human being because my depression and anxiety are so bad right now that I can't even function like a person is supposed to.

I'm months away from turning 43 and all I can think about is how much I really want my mom right now.

[bills-bible-basics]

COVID-19: Why It Is Morally Wrong to Mandate Vaccines As many of you will already know if you have read some of my previous posts and the comment threads under them, some of my friends here are in favor of getting the COVID-19 vaccine, while others are not and do not support it for various, in my view, very legitimate reasons. Sadly, both the present U.S. administration and certain health officials — you know who they are — have used this situation to further divide people, so that now considerable hate and animosity has been directed at people who refuse to be vaccinated for whatever their reasons. As I have stated in previous posts, whether or not one gets the vaccine is a very personal choice, and this choice should NOT be taken away from us through forced mandates, because then we become a dictatorship and are no longer truly free. Furthermore, if we allow them to force the vaccines on us, then they will be emboldened to pressure us further, and force on us whatever else they please, because we will have already shown weakness under pressure. That is a very dark road to go down, my friends. But what I really wanted to say to everyone is the following: Just because you personally got the vaccine and are currently fine, does NOT necessarily mean that everyone who gets the vaccine will be fine. In fact, as I am sure many of you are already aware, that is most certainly not the case. By their own admission, both the Biden administration, the CDC and others have candidly stated that literally thousands of people have ALREADY suffered negative reactions to the vaccines to varying degrees. Some have even died from taking the vaccines. My friends, this is NOT just some wild conspiracy theory coming from some crazy person. It is verifiable medical fact which has been clearly confirmed by people both in the government, and in the medical profession. That being the case, how can anyone ridicule and shame those of us who refuse to get vaccinated? How can anyone — the government, medical professionals, business conglomerates, small businesses, universities, schools, etc. — in good conscience pressure and force any of us to get vaccinated, when they know that it might quite possibly end in tragedy — including loss of life — for some of us? To me personally, it is like playing a game of Russian Roulette. You just never know who is going to get the bullet, but someone always does, because that is the nature of the game. Does anyone have the right to force us to take a vaccine which might seriously sicken us or even kill us? Despite their seemingly scientific explanations and their seemingly logical reasoning, I think not! As I mentioned in a few previous posts, I am more afraid of getting the vaccine due to potential negative side effects, than I am of COVID-19 itself. As it turns out, a recent poll revealed that this is in fact true of a majority of American adults who currently remain unvaccinated. We are talking about millions of people, my friends. Are we all wrong for feeling this way? Again, I think not. In my particular case, I ALREADY have breathing issues and longterm lung damage, due to the fact that in recent years I have suffered from two bouts of DVT — Deep Vein Thrombosis, or blood clots in my legs — which the second time around led to Acute Bilateral Pulmonary Emboli. The latter means that I had multiple blood clots which had traveled up my legs and into every single node of my lungs. I was in very bad shape, it was very painful for me to even breath, and I could have easily died if any of those blood clots had traveled to my heart or to my brain. As a result of the aforementioned, I am now on an anticoagulant — or blood thinner — for life, to hopefully prevent any additional blood clots from forming in my body. This has greatly restricted my diet for reasons I won’t get into here, created problems with being able to take certain other drugs, and other issues. By the way, everything I have stated here regarding

my health can be confirmed by hospital records and by my personal physician, who incidentally respects my decision to not take the vaccine. Now, are any of you reading this aware of the fact that one of the known negative side effects of taking the vaccines is in fact thrombosis, or the formation of blood clots? If you don’t believe me, look it up for yourself. Blood clots is the LAST thing that I need; and as I said, that is precisely why I have been taking daily doses of Warfarin for a number of years now. So tell me something. Do you honestly believe that the government has the moral right to shame me, to pressure me, and to force me to take a vaccine which could very well bring on the very thing I am fighting against, and which could potentially kill me? Do they have the moral right to take away my freedom to choose for myself when it comes to the issue of the COVID-19 vaccines? Now with me, my decision to refuse the vaccine has to do in large part with DVT, Acute Bilateral Pulmonary Emboli, damaged lungs and breathing difficulty, and the potential for thrombosis. With someone else, it might be some other medical condition. But here’s the thing. Even if there is no concern for any current medical condition, as I have stated before, in my view, no government or health agency has the political, medical or moral right to nullify and take away our right to choose for ourselves when it comes to deciding whether or not to take the vaccine. No matter how scientifically sounding, or medically sounding, or logically sounding their reasoning may seem, when it comes to our bodies, we alone have the right to make the final choice. Not them. This is my position regarding this issue. You can agree or disagree as you each wish, but I will not debate the issue with anyone. https://www.billkochman.com/Blog/index.php/covid-19-why-it-is-morally-wrong-to-mandate-vaccines/?feed_id=76516&_unique_id=650e67d703261&COVID-19%3A%20Why%20It%20Is%20Morally%20Wrong%20to%20Mandate%20Vaccines

[goodlesson]

was four drinks deep when i got this e-mail from work 🙃 cool cool cool cool

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

[fauzhee10069]

JoJolion: The Hard Life of Nijimura Kei

…and how she was criminally underutilized by Araki.

Nijimura Kei, the other Joestar in JoJolion besides Josuke & Holy, who was alive during the JJL storyline (until her last role). She was introduced as a young woman in her early 20s, working as the maid in Higashikata, the richest family in Morioh where most of the family members are spoiled.

JJL Chapter 7: Josuke, Go to the Higashikata Family

She was a Stand user, using 「Born This Way」, an automatic Stand that activates when the person she has targeted opens something to attack Josuke as a temporary side boss/antagonist. Knowing that it’s automatic, this sealed her fights to be very limited and hard to develop further (both in terms of mechanism and plot).

It turned out that she is a Joestar and related to Josuke, the main protagonist.

JJL chapter 16 and 17

And her role as Higashikata’s maid was just a disguise to investigate Higashikata's family secret and help her family (mainly her mom, Holy).

JJL Chapter 17: The Lemon and the Tangerine

Kei's life at that time should have been pretty tough, when she got news that her brother had just been declared dead and her mother was terminally ill.

Her father died when she was barely a little girl (according to family tree, Kei was born in 1989 and her father died in 1991, making her just around 2 years old when she lost her father).

As a widow, it also made Holy to have to work as a career woman to support her young children (9 years old Yoshikage and 2 years old Kei were left fatherless). And indirectly took away her time as a 'mother' for Kei.

JJL Chapter 50: Vitamin C and Killer Queen - part 1, look how little Kei looked lonely with her doll.

And back to present time (2011), Kei also had to lose her brother (Yoshikage) and lived alone with the only family member who really depended on her (a very ill mother).

JJL Chapter 58: Dawn of the Higashikata Family

I'm not sure Kei's salary as a maid alone will be able to cover her mother’s medical bills, plus she was in undercover so she couldn't show herself as her family member out-of-nowhere.

The family mostly depended on Yoshikage to pay for it, and very unfortunately that Yoshikage is already dead, causing the payment to be stopped. I'm sure Kei did not want this to happen to her mother, but sadly she couldn't do much.

Supposedly, after Kei's true identity and role were revealed, there should be a secret collaboration between her and Josuke. Too bad we never see it, Kei only occasionally appeared as cameo or one of the 'victims' of the Stand attacks from rock-humans (aka. jobbing).

JJL chapter 75 and 48, not doing anything and got jobbed by 「Vitamin C」& 「Ozon Baby」.

And when she did not get any significant role through the story, she was doing her own business. Turned out that she had been taking care of her mother in hospital.

JJL Chapter 102: The Wonder of You (The Miracle of Your Love) - part 19

And taking care of someone who is in a coma like that is not something that everyone’s willing to do. Surely everyone loves Holy, despite her lesser time as Kei's mother due to her job, her daughter still loves her and that’s why she was willing to take care of her in such a way.

Still, having a life like Kei's is a tough one… and not everyone can live it.

And when Kei got her new significant role in the story, her last chance to help the protagonist as his ally…

Araki gave her such badass intro only to…

JJL Chapter 104: The Wonder of You (The Miracle of Your Love) - part 21, get jobbed once again.

Kei's role in JoJolion is quite disappointing, she is a Joestar, a Stand user, and unlike her mother’s condition, she was fit and well so she should be able to do a lot more than Holy as a Joestar.

Kei is connected to the main protagonist, biologically related in a weird way and she held an independent mission as a spy in the Higashikata family. There should have been a lot she could have done in exchanging information and cooperating with Josuke, but her only product to Josuke throughout the story was an information regarding 'equivalent exchange' ability in Higashikata's land and nothing more.

And in the climax arc of “Wonder of You” where it was Kei’s last chance to cooperate with Josuke in defeating the big villain, when we were expecting an exciting 2-vs-1 battle, her role was only as far as a messenger as she delivered the cellphone (message) from Yasuho and just… die, nothing more to it.

Caato got a great intro (so great that she was wrongly hyped for years), but was absent for a long time and suddenly came back just to die. But even so she still left an impactful impression by defeating the main villain and breaking the family curse.

Too bad, Kei’s character who underwent similar thing ended up just jobbing like that… with her last action that was not so impactful, because we need to surprise the readers.

Kei might be a disappointment, regarding her role as a ‘character’ in JoJolion. But if we look at her as an ‘individual being’ with a life of her own (using the mindset that we are the main characters in our own lives), she had lived a very hard life. And we need to appreciate her toughness, that she still lived her life well, that she did not fall into moral turpitude, or becoming a criminal. She did not abandon her family even though they became a burden to her.

My personal confession:

Kei could be the person I admire right now because I am currently experiencing similar thing as her life. My father got covid and currently he is hospitalized. It’s been around 2 weeks right now. We both live off the island away from family, so I am the only family member who is able to support him. A few days ago he needed a platelet donor, those were the hardest days for me as the only family trying to look for. At least those days have passed. But until now he has not recovered yet and is still being treated in hospital.

Our apartment is far from the hospital so I have to go back and forth there for about 30 minutes almost every day to deliver the basic things he needs. I also have a full time job that can't be left behind. So just imagine how tired I am.

Unlike Kei who can visit his mother and directly take care of her, I can't see my father at all (and you know why). Even so, I stayed strong and did what I could as his daughter, just like Kei. And Kei became part of my inspiration to be as tough as her. Of course I still hope that these hard days will end soon and our family can be happy again together.

Let's pray for the recovery of my father and anyone else who is also seriously ill at this time.

Update: 7/15/2021

Unfortunately, my father just passed away at noon, 7/13/2021. May God forgives his sins. Bless for you all who still have your family intact, and pray for anyone who also lost their loved one by this terrible pandemic.

[bts-weverse-trans]

201123 Weverse Magazine 'BE' Comeback Interview - Jimin

Jimin: “I’m the kind of person who likes to be loved” BTS BE comeback interview 2020.11.23

When he’s talking, Jimin often starts his sentence with phrases like, “I just,” “it just,” “they just …” But then he immediately goes on to open up about his feelings, always providing a sincere response.

On one V-LIVE session back in October, you wore the clothes that you had planned to wear at the airport if you were to go on tour. Jimin: I hadn’t really noticed, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the reality of our present situation.

By “situation,” you mean how it’s difficult to meet your fans in person? Jimin: Yes. If we had to go on stage in this situation, or if we had to perform our songs, I’m not sure how we would go about accomplishing that. At the same time, It felt like something that was closed up and blocked was opened up again. There isn’t the kind of excitement we got from tour season, though, so it’s easy to feel worn out. But, just like when we’re making new songs, I try to do whatever I can.

BE feels like it’s all about taking care of your feelings and the process of moving forward. Jimin: I had the role of listening to what the members wanted to include in the album, but it’s more a record of the present than it is about our individual feelings. We talked openly about how we’re having a hard time and how we’re trying our best to get over things, and that became the album.

As the project manager for BE, how did you go about gathering and organizing all the members’ ideas? Jimin: I became the project manager because Yoongi recommended I do it, but I didn’t think I had to lead anything along, more just make sure the other members could do their work quickly and easily. Usually that meant asking about their opinions, or passing opinions back and forth with our company. So I would collect ideas, organize them, say, “These are some of the ideas we got back. What do you think?”—ask them again, if they said okay, pass it on to the company, and if they made a song, I sent that over, too.

How did you prod along the members who were taking too long with their ideas? (laughs) Jimin: I would mention them by name in our group chat, and that got them to reply. (laughs) Any time I said someone or other didn’t submit their idea yet, all the others would chime in with, “Hurry up, guys!” and then they’d give it to me.

Sounds like it’s great for one of the members to be project manager. (laughs) How did you accommodate all the different ideas? Jimin: When we first started, we sat down for about an hour and said: If you feel downtrodden, just make a song about feeling desperate; if you want to give others hope, go ahead and write a hopeful song. Let’s find the topic and work from there. And since there’s seven of us, and the album’s going to be about current events, let’s put in one skit to make seven songs; and let’s not put in any solo songs. Let’s make something that we can all work on together.

That approach must have been different from the way you worked on your other recent albums. Jimin: We never said anything like, somebody will make this song and someone else will make that song. We would just take a song and say, Who wants to do this? Who wants to do that? I became more ambitious, and wanted the other members to recognize the work I was doing. And because it was so fun working together, any time I made something, I wanted to play it for them right away. I also loved when they gave me compliments, so that added to the fun. When the songs are eventually finished, we hoped the fans would be able to pick up on all those emotions exactly as we felt them, although there are some songs that didn’t make the cut. (laughs) It was really fun.

You could say that, while it’s important to deliver songs to the fans, the process of creation itself is also important. Jimin: A little while ago, I learned something new about myself: I’m the kind of person who likes to be loved. Looking back, I realized I do what I do not just for the work itself, but to be loved by my friends, family, the group, and fans. It’s been really hard to hold onto those connections, but I felt a fullness once I was sure of that love and kept those relationships close. It was like getting something of my own.

Rather than simply being loved, is it actually a satisfaction arising from the effort involved and the deep sense of trust it builds? Jimin: I used to think more frequently about what I was getting from them than what I was doing for everyone else. Even if I don’t strictly owe our fans or group members anything in return, I feel a deep and sincere appreciation for all the things they do for me. I also saw some people for who they really are, some people who don’t really care about me. Rather than pushing those people away, I learned how to react less emotionally to them. Likewise, I was able to be more emotionally honest with people who are very considerate toward me.

It’s become difficult to express those kinds of feelings to fans these days. The only choice, really, is to talk to them through your songs. What is your message this time? Jimin: There’s a message in every album and music video we make; but you don’t have to understand the message, I just hope you enjoy listening and watching. That’s the first thing. I hope you really like the songs and videos I created while working to not become complacent, so I took great care and practiced a lot to present something perfect to you.

On that note, I think your singing and dancing are changing quite a bit. Your performances in “Black Swan” and “Dynamite” are completely different, but perhaps because of your changed body silhouette, the feel of your dance has become more consistent. As a dancer, what is it you want to express? Jimin: I just hope my emotions come across. I just want the emotions I put into my dancing, actions, and singing to be felt. So I got a lot of feedback, asked around, did some research and found that for each emotion you might express on stage, there’s a body most appropriate for the job. We all have different body types. In order to get the body that can best express my emotions at my age, I went on a strict diet, but I don’t stick to it nearly as intensely as I used to. (laughs)

If you watch your dance in “Dynamite,” your body, especially when you turn away, looks different from before. You look lighter. What effect did your new body have on your dance moves? Jimin: I look how I want to look when I’m around 58 kg, so I went on a diet and lost 5 kg. That’s when I found the look I wanted to present to everyone. I can’t be objective about myself, but there was a certain vibe that I wanted. In the past I tried really hard to be no-frills, and by focusing less on trying something new and more on avoiding mistakes, I prevented myself from advancing any further. But in “Dynamite,” I tried out expressions I’d never tried before. I wanted people to be able to tell that I was really concentrating on this when they watched the video, so for this song, I tried to be sentimental and—how should I put this—I even tried to look suave (laughs) and funny, too . I ended up focusing on painting a single picture rather than on each of the individual elements.

And what is it you wanted to show off? Jimin: We haven’t been able to put on a real show during COVID-19. I wanted to show that we didn’t waste all that time but rather have kept going through it all, that we keep working hard. But portraying “working hard” through dance would look really tiring, so I smiled and danced throughout filming “Dynamite.”

How was that possible? It couldn’t have been easy to keep the whole team motivated. Jimin: With the spread of COVID-19, it took us a while to really believe our rise to the top of the Billboard Hot 100. When we checked our phones and it said we got first place we were amazed, but it was hard to believe, although we were all crying. (laughs) But when COVID-19 first hit, we said, “Ah, it’ll pass quickly and we’ll be right back on tour.” The reason was that we had said, even if it gets tough, let’s give it our all for the next year. Give it our all and collapse.. That was the plan, but we were really disappointed. What was worse was, when I heard it would be hard to have any performances this year, my head … it sort of went blank. My mind was empty. We couldn’t just take a break either. Other people had it really hard but we could keep working. I didn’t know whether we should be happy or sad about it. There were no answers for anything. It was really tough.

How did you get over that? Jimin: If an interviewer or anyone else asked me what my goal was, I told them my goal is to perform with the members for a long time, and that is probably my biggest goal; but I was really saying that to the group: I want to be with you guys for a really long time. I think we conveyed that feeling well to one another. I seriously worried a lot that the group would get exhausted. But they’d be laughing with one another, cheering each other up. We had a lot more time to chat together, so whatever was going on, we could always talk about it over a drink at our home and work it out.

What makes you take your work so seriously? Jimin: I really want to love this job inside and out. If we just look at work as work, all we’ll be after is money, but I never once thought that our group’s dynamic, or the relationship we have with our fans, was based on that. But I think if you’re exhausted mentally and physically, the work becomes a chore, and then your relationships will inevitably suffer. That’s what I was afraid of.

The song “Dis-ease” is about how each member feels about working. How do you feel about your work? Jimin: I don’t consider my main profession, performing and singing, “going to work.”. But when I’m doing something else with the camera right in front of me,that feels like “work.” Singing and performing for our fans isn’t work—it’s something I really, really want to do.

You helped write “Dis-ease,” correct? Jimin: The bridge. I was recording with Pdogg and there was one part that didn’t have a melody, so—should I call it improv?—I was just singing something without thinking about it, and then he asked me to sing that again. So I asked if he was sure, and then he asked me to write the melody, so I ended up writing it.

Some of the other songs on BE have something like that too, but “Dis-ease” somehow feels particularly like old school Korean hip hop. Jimin: I thought so too. I thought of 20 years ago when I sang it. The majority of the song was written by j-hope, so that might just be my thinking (laughs) but I sang it when there was a question mark on who would sing the vocals. I was really doing whatever I wanted, so I sort of had to be restrained (laughs) but it was fun.

Was there any place the vocals changed while recording? There are a lot of parts on BE where you use almost a normal speaking voice. Jimin: I usually already have the big picture set in my mind when I sing, but this time it wasn’t like that. “Life Goes On,” especially—that song’s not about me, but I couldn’t help but empathize with it, so right from the beginning I performed it without having to think about how my voice should sound. I wasn’t thinking about some particular emotion of mine I wanted to express to you. I just recorded exactly the feelings I had as I sang.

There’s a song titled, “Telepathy.” When you streamed yourselves in production on YouTube, the group mentioned the idea of telepathy which made me think you were sending the song directly to your fans. If you could talk to them through telepathy, what would you say? Jimin: People have kind hearts, and I just hope they don’t let that go. You asked about telepathy, but I think we really do have a telepathic connection with our fans. It’s not crystal clear or anything, but I think if we’re sincere then they can feel it somehow. I think that’s why our fans support us and are always by our side.

And what about the other way around? What would you like to hear from your fans? Jimin: One thing I’m always curious about, about our fans, is what’s the hardest thing in their lives. What each of them is struggling with, what’s making them happy—I’m really curious to know. We face our own difficulties as well, so I always wonder if there’s someone in each of our fans’ lives to ask them if they’re doing okay. I hope things get better soon, that people can keep holding on, and that the adults will follow all the rules. Kids don’t have a lot of options right now to do the things they want to do. I imagine a lot of kids see this as something that’s being forced upon them by adults, so I hope the grown-ups will properly explain the situation to the kids so they can help each other too, to end the pandemic.

The news is saying that they’ve made a COVID-19 vaccine, so you might be able to meet your fans sooner than later. What are you going to say to them when you finally see them again? Jimin: I don’t think we’ll say anything. I think we’ll just look at each other for a very long time. And if I’m able to say anything, I’ll probably say, “You made it. Now let’s get back to having a good time.”

Trans © Weverse

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

As you all may know, my mother is on a ventilator for covid 19. She didn’t believe in covid. I tried to tell her but she didn’t believe it. She tried to tell me some kind of Qanon bologne when I’d try to tell her. I would give anything to have more time with my mother. There is some signs of improvement in her feeling better but I am not wanting to become too hopeful. She was on the phone with one of my elder sisters for six minutes rather than two the other day. She was angry at her for letting her kids come in to her house knowing they had covid.

I’m very angry at her doctor who told her she didn’t need the covid shot, in fact just telling her she is healthy. She has a small body frame and is on the shorter side but weighs nearly three hundred pounds and struggles to get around. She’s 59 years old and works as a nurse at a nursing home and works way too hard on minimum wage, has given birth to six children, has always had asthma and is prone to bronchitis and pneumonia. She’s a prime candidate for covid, in fact she is who I thought about the day I remember reading about covid. It’s like this disease was designed to kill my mother.

They sent her to southern Idaho for a ventilator. She is lucky to get one. They’ve run out in many of these red states that didn’t take covid seriously enough. It does not bring me any joy that right wingers and people who didn’t believe in the shot are dying. I’ve had liberal friends say over simplistic things about people from red states getting what’s coming to them and so forth, and people have rejoiced at the idea of trump supporters getting sick and suffering and dying.

I am left leaning, but I never want to get so caught up in my political ego that I eradicate any notion of humanity to the people I don’t agree with or might not even like. Their pain and lives are real and legitimate as anyone else’s. Their families matter too. They are wrong, my mother is wrong. She’s been backwards about a lot of the world my whole life.

But she’s also a very kind person. She is always giving to people and has contradictory, while supporting a fucking horrible president, also put up for and fought her job because of racism she was seeing all around her. She doesn’t really think like a conservative and her way of approaching life didn’t really ever reflect a deeper conservative value or drive. I’ve noticed other conservatives never liked her.

She believed the wrong things because she was driven by religious faith and loneliness to believe the rabbit hole of alt right Facebook. She doesn’t have much of an education, was bullied and abused for most of her childhood. she went to over twenty different schools and moved a lot throughout her childhood. She got married and started having children very young. She always worked as a bartender, or as a caretaker to children with disabilities or elderly folk. She barely understood the internet. She believed in god and joined religious groups on Facebook very open and blindly without even understanding propaganda or the political climate of what is being fought for, which pretty much took her down this poisonous road. And now she’s barely able to talk in an icu all alone, as this virus that she didn’t believe in tries to kill her.

Moving to the city and always being left leaning, but being from a rural area of the inland north west, where I was outnumbered and lived amongst these folk who didn’t like me all that much but I was always having to find ways to accept and understand sometimes gives me a perspective perhaps that maybe liberal kids from middle class families from liberal cities have missed out on. I will never be able to see it as black and white. It would be easy to just say that the people in Bible Belt areas deserve this and be rid of any sadness or guilt. I was disgusted by the anti intellectualism I was surrounded by and I lived for most of my twenties in my own world to avoid it when I was growing up and lived in my home state which is fairly red. But people are the same everywhere. They really are.

Her recovery is slow and I worry something terrible is happening to her organs and lungs as she has fights for her life. I hope her body is strong enough to keep fighting. I appreciate the care and labor and sacrifice the hospitals have given to keep people alive. There is so much anguish. We have lost a mural of so many wonderful and beautiful souls to covid. It’s hard to even fathom the grief and pain it’s left in its wake. I can barely cope with my own.

I took a walk today to think. I haven’t wanted to listen to music in a long while because my mood is on my mother’s condition, but I put in John Prine. He was one of the first people to die of covid that I cared about, albeit indirectly as I only know him through his songs. I had a ticket to go see him play before covid took his life. It was going to be small and intimate outdoor concert in town. His music was always so real and down to earth. He sings about the quiet sad things of getting old and the way that love is about the daily existence with other people. How you build and cope with things.

One of his last songs on the album before he died was about how science has no business tinkering with nature. It’s so genuine. And ironic. Not everyone shares this belief, but I think that the covid flu was made in a lab and someone made a mistake and let it out into the public. I believe it was just human error in Wuhan. Nobody, no government or anything wanted this. And the Chinese government did everything they could to avoid fessing up to the mistake. So the idea of a lab grown virus being what killed John Prine kind of hurts in a way, though he also often sang about being comfortable with death and having peace with a life that was happy.

There are countless people I could blame for my mother’s disease. I could blame the dystopian Chinese government and their inability to admit fault, I could blame our government and our long-standing capitalist system that monetary prioritizes gain over human life, I could blame my mother’s cruel upbringing for not giving her the tools she needed to make wise choices about the world around her, or she herself for not taking care of her body. I could blame her mother and father and brothers.

I could blame my sisters kids for their lack of consideration of what covid would do to my mother’s health knowing she was high risk, or my eldest sister herself for being lazy and letting them go to my moms house knowingly.

I could blame some mentally unwell woman named Susan who my mother might have vaguely known for inviting her to a Facebook group of hate and conspiracy, or blame the nuns who drove religion into my mother’s head as a child. I could blame the easy to punch Ted Cruz or Tucker Carleson or any of the right wing mouth pieces for spreading lies and misinformation to the people they are supposedly speaking up for on behalf of about covid. I could blame it on our artificially based two party system that prevents real discussion from ever happening.

In the end, there is a myriad of things I could blame. So many pieces to the puzzle I could write volumes. But it doesn’t change where we are at now. And I have little control of the world around me. Or what made it that way. It’s disappointing. And in a way, John Prine has that message too. I’m just sad. I try to remember that my mom of the many people I have known was very accepting of death. Maybe it’s because she’s a person of faith, but she has a practical dark humor about her too that makes her accept it. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, but I am all the same.

It’s happened at this point where I am genuinely feeling my age and kind of at a crossroads in who I am as a person and what I want to do. I’ll talk about that some other time though. There is only so much a person can read.

[andysbubba]

home office

request: hey can you do a Bucky x Reader were the reader is a teacher and they are taking a conference call but Bucky is horny so Bucky decides to fuck her while shes on the phone and tells her if shes quiet and doesn't moan on the whole then she'll get to cum after the call

first ever request and first ever smut (and first bucky barnes fic too 😳😳😳)

warnings: cockwarming / sex w/o protection

𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

—

Bucky has been doing his own thing the whole morning. You didn’t really have a problem with that since you had Zoom lessons almost the whole morning too.

You teach a bunch of teens at the high school just about a 15 minutes walk from your home with Bucky. But due to the whole Covid-19 crap, all classes have been shifted online and you only had Zoom and whatever other sites there are on the internet to help you keep in touch with your students.

“Alright, teens. I just sent out the notes for Outbreak of War in Europe yesterday night.” You swiped through the faces on the screen of your Macbook. “Jesus. What the hell were you all doing last night?”

You just got whines in reply. You had a bond with your students. You were one of the younger teachers in the school so it was easy for you to talk and bond with the teens. Not forgetting that they were also an extremely easy bunch to deal with.

You roll your eyes at your students. “Fine. 15 minutes break.” You glanced down at the watch on your wrist. “Freshen up, make some coffee or something. And then I expect 100% attention when all of you get back. And then a Kahoot quiz since that always wake you people up.”

“You’re the best, Mrs Barnes!”

You chuckled lightly, “I know, I know. Now shoo. See you in 15.”

You turned off the camera and mic on your Macbook, before standing up to stretch. You had 15 minutes to look for Bucky... and make some coffee.

Hey. Teachers stay up late too.

Just as you were about to leave you home office, there was a knock on the door. Just a second or two after, the door opens and Bucky peeks in before he fully enters.

“Hey doll,” He grins at you, walking towards you with a mug of coffee in hand.

“You’re an angel, Mr Barnes.” You blissfully smile at him as he passes you the mug.

He hums and wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you into his chest. “Are you done yet?”

You set the mug on the table behind you before turning back to him and wrapping your arms around his neck. “Nope. 15 minutes break and then I’ll only end at 2.30.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” You went on your tiptoes and leaned in to kiss Bucky.

“I have to wait one full hour before I get to fuck that cunt again?” Bucky raises an eyebrow at you.

You glare at him before harshly slapping him on his chest. “Buck!”

“What?” He asks innocently. “You’re not gonna make me wait, are you, honey?” His hand tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. The other was on your hip, trailing under your blouse and then tracing circles on your bare skin.

“Bucky,” You sternly said. Though you were very sure it had no impact on him.

“I think you’re forgetting whose cunt this is.” His hand trails to your jaw and tilts your chin up to look at him. “Did you forget?”

“No...” You look up at him, knowing damn well that if you deny him this time round, he’s gonna make the next few days a living hell for you.

“Good girl. Keep my cock warm. I’ll let you cum when your class ends if you’re good.” He slides his hand under your skirt and immediately felt your bare pussy. The smirk on his face grows wider. “You didn’t even wear panties, huh? Were you expecting me to do this?”

You cling on to his shoulders as the tip of his finger caressed your clit. “Buck,”

“I got you, little one.” His arm wrapped tightly around your waist to hold you up. His metal arm was the one under your skirt. He brings his finger up and brought it close to your mouth. “You’re so fucking wet already, love. Bet you’ll fit just nice around my cock, won’t you?”

You whimper weakly as he sticks his metal fingers in your mouth, before pulling it out. The metal glistening with your saliva before he slides back under your skirt and slips his fingers into your opening. You whimper loudly at the feeling of the cold metal.

“Bucky, please.”

“I’ll take care of you, pretty girl. Later.” He pulls his fingers out of your pussy. The emptiness leaving your pussy gaping for more.

He strides to your office chair, dragging you behind him. He sits first, only pulling the waistband of his sweatpants past his cock. He was already hard. Jesus.

He gestures for you to sit on him. With staggered steps, you set yourself on him, only his tip going past you before he completely loses his patience and gripped your waist. He pulled you down fully onto his cock, not giving you a little time to adjust to his size. Bucky was thick. And adequately long. And god, does he fill you.

You yelp loudly, earning yourself a slap on your clit. You flinch when he grips at your jaw and whispered harshly into your ear. “None of those noises. You don’t want them to know what a whore Mrs Barnes is, do you?”

You took deep breaths before your hand moved to the cursor. His hands stopped your wrist. “Remember. Camera off and stay still.”

He lets go of you when he made his point clear. You shakily clicked the unmute button.

“A-alright everyone. Come back. S-sorry guys. My camera c-can’t seem to work. But I’ll still share the slides.” The fullness in you was something else. Something you can’t truly explain. It really was disrupting the way you think.

Bucky was calm and nonchalant behind you. (Like he doesn’t have his fucking cock stuck in you while you’re teaching a bunch of kids about how World War 2 started) Fucks sake, he even took out his phone and started playing candy crush.

“Invasion of Poland.” You speak out. “Someone tell me when that happened.”

“First September 1939.”

You chocked as Bucky’s cock twitched in you. “Thanks, Edward.”

“Are you okay, Mrs Barnes?”

“I’m good, Peter. Dry throat.”

“Now, when did Britain and France declare war on Germany?”

“Third September 1939, Mrs Barnes.”

“Great! Thanks Hannah.” You slightly rolled your shoulder, that only caused you to slightly shift around Bucky. You covered your almost moan with a cough.

Bucky barely glanced at you because of it.

“Now, there are three factors leading to the Germany’s invasion of Poland and then the eventual declaration of war by British and France.” You cleared your throat when Bucky’s left hand lands on your thigh. “One is the Weakness of the League of Nations, followed by Hitler’s expansionistic policy and lastly the Policy of Appeasement.”

You stifled in another moan when Bucky slides one hand under your blouse and rubbed your stomach with his metal palm.

-

“Good job, everyone. And seriously, stop sleeping so late.” You chided.

Bucky hasn’t been easy on you for the past hour. His hand was on your inner thigh and then it grazed over your clit. And then he purposely sat up, and his cock shifted inside you, hitting your cervix.

You had to use everything in you to hold in a loud whimper.

“Thank you, Mrs Barnes.”

“Have a good day, Mrs Barnes.”

“Bye everyone.” You clicked ‘end meeting’ at the top of the screen and then you were leaning back against Bucky and relaxing against him.

You sighed loudly, relieved that you got through the whole thing without slipping up.

“Up and over the desk.”

You whine into his neck.

“Either that or I fuck you against the wall. I won’t go easy on you either way, Y/N.”

You struggled to stand up, your pussy a little sore from being stretched for the past hour. You shut your Macbook, pushing it aside and bending over your work desk.

Your ass was probably on the same level as Bucky’s face.

“Good girl.”

He unzips your skirt and pulled it down. Your bare ass now presented to him. He stands up behind you and wrapped his hands around the fabric of your blouse before he completely rips it apart.

You gasp in shock.

He laughs humorlessly when he noticed you weren’t wearing a bra either. He pressed your face into the cold glass of your desk. His other hand trailing down your spine and left shivers all around your back.

“If I truly did fuck you in class earlier on, you would be all for it wouldn’t you?” He teases, his cock was trailing on your pussy lips. “You’re lucky I had a little patience left.”

“Please, Bucky.”

“Beg, Y/N.”

“Please, please, please. Fuck me please. Need your cock so bad, Buck. Feel so fucking empty without your cock.” Your ass grinds back against his cock.

He thrusts into you immediately. Hands gripping tightly at your waists and his metal arm leaving bruises on your hips.

Bucky was so fucking deep in you. 3 years of marriage and yet you could never get used to Bucky’s cock. He was always so big and made you feel so full.

The drag of his cock against the walls of your pussy felt like a dream. All the pent up tension from before was all in how hard he fucked you. Like a man starved.

“Fuck. You already clenching around me, honey. You gonna cum already?” One hand moved into your hair and pulled your upper body up from the desk and into his chest.

“Know how hot is it when you talk all smart like some genius? How you have all that information stored in your brain when I can’t even remember what I ate yesterday?” He pants into your ear.

You moan helplessly as his thrusts sped up. “Buck, Buck, Buck.” You chanted his name like a prayer.

“I got you, little one. Cum around my cock.” Bucky groans as he keeps up his pace.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head as your head rests on Bucky’s shoulder. His metal hand pinched and rubbed at your clit. “Cum.”

You let go with a loud moan, spilling around him uncontrollably.

He pulls out of you and laid you on your back. One of your legs was on his shoulder before he started thrusting you again and chasing his own high.

Bucky kept the same pace as before, his pelvis hitting your clit and that same spot everytime he thrusts deeply. Your one leg was wrapped around his waist pulling him in.

“Such a good girl for me.” He leans down and kisses you, open mouthed and all tongues. “Fuck, baby. I’m gonna cum.”

You felt his cock twitch before he completely stills inside you and let go. A warmth fills you as he spills his seepd in you. “Shit, Y/N.”

He pulls out of you, settling on your office chair as you both pant.

“First and last, James. I don’t want to lose my job.”

“Yes ma’am. That was good, though.”

You got up on your elbows and pointedly look at him. “Every sex is good with you, Mr Barnes.”

“Sorry. I was hard and I couldn’t wait.”

You roll your eyes at him. “So you made me sit on your cock while you play candy crush?”

He chuckles lightly before kissing your inner thighs. “Don’t get sassy now, my wife. You know I’ll make it up to you, baby.”

[ifeelallwrite]

Let’s talk about Hospital Playlist. (KDRAMA REVIEW)

note: does contain spoilers

When people ask me what is my favorite Korean drama of all time, with no doubt, IT’S HOSPITAL PLAYLIST. This drama has the comic relief, the emotional scenes, realistic characters-just to name a few. No toxic relationships and petty revenge fights. Nothing else will stop me for saying that this is the ultimate feel good drama.

SYNOPSIS: The drama shows insights into the daily lives of doctors and nurses working at Yulje Medical Hospital. It focuses on 5 doctors who have been friends since medical school, who also play together as a band.

This drama encompasses so many elements and characters so bear with me yo this might be real long 

Hospital Playlist is produced/written by the Shin-Lee PD and writer pairing, whose previous works were the renowned Reply trilogy and Prison Playbook (which are *chef’s kiss*) I really like that all their dramas really highlight humanism, and puts emphasis on creating a heartwarming and realistic series. There isn’t always a major conflict to be resolved, but instead it showcases how different people-in this case mostly those in the medical field-go on about their daily lives.  I also liked their reasoning to produce a medical drama which was that hospitals were where the most dramatic moments occurred, for example during births, deaths or sickness. And since we are still in the Covid-19 pandemic, it ties in greatly to be paying homage to all the medical personnel saving lives. Hence, props to those who were involved in this meaningful masterpiece <3

The drama is not the usual 16 episodes, but has 12 episodes for each season (SEASON 2 IS COMING SOON YAAS) Good thing is I felt that they were still able to weave a dynamic storyline in the first season even with lesser episodes. The writing was just top-notch with the witty humor bits. Additionally, the music is AMAZING. I love the concept of the main characters being a band and playing different songs every episode too.

Okay, now onto the characters. I thought that every character in this drama was well rounded. Starting of with the main five characters, also known as The 99ers, whose distinctive personalities and natural chemistry make all of them extremely likeable. All main characters are professors of different specialties, and I find the male OB-GYN (Seokhyeong) and female neurosurgeon (Songhwa) very refreshing. Also, I like Shin-Lee dramas always have characters that might be realistic yet hardly seen in other dramas or films. For example, Professor Ahn Jeongwon. Despite being a chaebol (inheritor/heir), he isn’t depicted as a spoilt brat or a cold character, instead as a warm Pediatric doctor who uses his wealth to secretly support patients in need. However it makes him stingy to his friends LOL

To be honest, I really thought I was gonna dislike Junwan due to his cold and tsundere nature. I pretty much believed that he was going to be the party pooper type of the bunch, but with the writer being a master of character development, he turned out to be really sincere and hilarious at times. Same for Ikjun, who apart from his enthusiastic and happy go lucky exterior, cares the most about the people around him. Although Seokhyeong seemed detached and introverted, he shows a emotional side to his friends as well as his mother. Songhwa is literally a girlboss though haha she’s smart, capable and gets along with everyone well. And she’s the most sane out of the bunch. 

With all the main characters, we have the relationships. Junwan is the first to date seriously with Iksun (the dog or Micky? jkjk) who is Ikjun’s sister. When it first happened I was like not again Jung Kyung Ho (bc he dated his best friend’s sis in prison playbook too LMAO) I think their relationship was realistic and open. It also showed a more sensitive side to Junwan who would do anything for her. I especially liked how he said he didn’t need access to her phone because he trusted her. Yet as all couples do, they have their fair share of ups and downs. Like conflicts on getting married and a long distance relationship as Iksun moves overseas for graduate studies. I don’t really know how to take the ambiguous ending for these two, as Junwan receives the returned box (that has the ring he sent) I really hope nothing bad happens to these two though.

I’m sure we all love Wintergarden couple though, tbh they’re kinda my OTP at the moment 🤣 It was pretty much a ‘will they won’t they’ relationship with a relatively slow build. I think Gyeoul turned out to be one of my favourite characters. Shin Hyun Been did a good job at portraying her as a straightforward but innocent Resident, who is pretty much openly crushing on Jeongwon. The scenes they had together were adorably awkward (and the scene where he gives her chocopies omg) And when Jeongwon battles his inner conflict to become a priest, the final decision where they kiss was beautifully shot, with the actors both showcasing their emotions extremely well. 

Then we have Chihong who pursues Songhwa, his professor. Midway through the drama, it is also shown that Ikjun and Songhwa might have had romantic feelings for each other. Songhwa ends up rejecting Chihong’s confession. In my opinion, Chihong was quite a interesting character but I didn’t really like him at the end. (I like the actor though) He did a real jerk move during drinking games, insisting on Ikjun to confess his feelings towards her even though he is already trying not to put Songhwa in an awkward spot. Although his character did end up making a cool exit and when I thought about his incredible story of soldier to doctor, I kinda regret disliking him that much. As for IkSong, In the final episode Ikjun confesses to her one last time, and we are left waiting for Songhwa’s reply. As much as I love this pairing, I don’t think that the ship will sail or maybe not as quickly as we think. I believe Songhwa would meticulously consider the sacrifices to their friendship or other aspects and might not be able to bring herself to it, but I hope it’s otherwise. 

Lastly not forgetting Seokhyeong and Minha, another Professor+resident pairing. This one’s a bit ambiguous though, mainly because there hasn’t been much romantic development. To me, the most impactful scene came from Minha who had been irritated by continuous night shifts and was on the verge of a breakdown. She ended up remarkably saving a patient, starting off surgery on her own for the first time. Oh man Minha was such a lovable character, I remember feeling so bad for her but extremely proud of her for her accomplishment. Although Seokhyeong seemed a bit aloof and distant (which was intentional bc he’s an introvert) I think the backstory and all the hardships he faced with his family really made me feel for him. I hate to break it to you, but I’m not so sure if the ship will sail because of the phone call from his ex-wife and Minha’s somewhat rejected confession. But who knows, they might pull off a twist 👀

Apart from all these characters, there are more characters HHAHAH However, I think this is the killing point of ShinLee dramas. Unlike typical dramas which usually focuses on a main character and 2-3 side characters, they like to cast a diverse range of actors (especially those from theatre/musicals and lesser known drama/movie actors) while actually give their characters personality or a reason to be there. I’ve seen many dramas where extras or side characters were kind of irrelevant thus making me feel that they weren’t needed to build the storyline, yet ShinLee dramas hit different y’all. Every role, no matter how small, holds significance to the drama. It really seemed like a collaborative work that shows off every actors skills (and not forgetting staffs) and teamwork.

Anyways because there are way too many characters and too many scenes for me to mention them all, I’ll just talk about some honourable mentions heheh

1. Sunbin and Seokmin confession scene (ahh so cute)

I kinda sensed that they liked each other at the start but I didn’t know Seokmin would ask her out on a date at the end. Even though it’s kinda awkward that they are dating and working with each other though (both are in the same department) but hey the confession was cute and awkward and just warm and fuzzy 🥰

2. MAMA ROSA IS THE QUEENN

I think we all (would) love Mama Rosa because she’s a real one ☝️ (probably the coolest mother ever) She’s feisty, hilarious and kind to others. Plus her friendship with Ju Jong Su was just adorable and super wholesome. The scenes where they were supporting one another through tough times and hanging out with each other when they felt lonely always put a smile on my face. Oh and how Mama Rosa treated Gyeoul was extremely sweet. (as well as Seokhyeong’s mother) Despite her tough exterior, she’s a likeable character for being a strong but caring woman.

3. Just Do Jae Hak

I seriously love this guy so muchhh omg he’s so funny

Do Jae Hak has a funny amd clumsy personality, though it’s clear he’s been through a lot and is strong willed person. From admitting his indecisiveness to counselling Jun Wan on his love issues, there’s literally nothing to hate about him.

4. Uju and his dadd

The father and son chemistry between these two is so good omg. The scenes with these two are so adorable and heartwarming (not to mention hilarious) It’s amazing to see how Ikjun cares so much for Uju despite his hectic workdays while going through infidelity issues with his ex-wife. Uju is matured for his age and shows his love and appreciation for his dad too, making their interaction a great portrayal of a healthy family relationship💞

5. the food stealing the show🥘

Who doesn’t love food and when a show has great food scenes? Some of the best scenes are definitely when the 99s gather to eat. It really showcases each character’s personality with the tiniest details as well as highlight warm delicious meals. Just don’t watch this when you’re hungry at 2am in the morning guys you’ll be drooling all over your screens HAHAHA

Of course there are way more aspects, like Hongdo and Yoonbok, Ikjun and Iksun’s pigeon jokes and raps, or Jeongwon drunk crying in the chicken shop with his brother (who was his coach in Reply 1994 when he played Chilbong LOL)

Most importantly, I think it is the themes and messages that you get from the drama that really create such a lasting impression. Not only does it hit you in the feels with the hardships of hospital patients, or the hardworking doctors+nurses who are working long shifts saving lives, it also tackles topics of friendships through the possibilities of platonic and friends-to-lovers relationships. However I think the biggest lesson for me came from Seokhyeong, who learns to live his life doing what he want, with the people he treasures. Although the drama might seem slow at times (mainly because there isn’t really a main plot line/conflict occurring), but this drama would still bring you on a journey where you would laugh, cry and finish the series, begging for season 2 ✌🏻

[aajjks]

Yandere!BTS: You get into a dating scandal. (Idol verse)

Disclaimer: This is a yandere reaction, it’ll contain obsessive behaviours, stalking, possessive behaviours, delusional thoughts and overall creepy behaviours! Mentions of saseang behaviours! Please keep in mind that this is purely fictional and I don’t think that any Bts member would ever act like like this.

A/N: HI HELLO!!! I hope you are all well because of the covid-19 situation going on!!! I’m good too, but I’m always bored but then my mum is here to scold me and keeping me busy!! ALSO I WROTE FOR HYUNG LINE YAAAY! Another thing, I have another reaction coming for Maknae line too! ;) please share your thoughts! ENJOY!💖

Masterlist:

***trope: you’re a famous idol and they are your obsessive fanboys. Since you’re so popular, you get into a dating rumour. And they can’t accept that.***

_____________

Jin:

Kim SeokJin is a very classic man, who just happens to admire Y/N, you, a little too much.

You are the worldwide famous idol. And SeokJins a rich CEO, who obsesses over his idol too much.

You are just perfect.

Obviously, that’s why he idolises you.

You make him turn into a teenage boy who has a huge crush.

He cherishes you! Because, you’re just so perfect!

You don’t have any flaws! Your voice is his serenity!

So, now to the point, SeokJin wouldn’t think of the rumour that much seriously.

Because it’s dispatch! And you’re such a famous idol and perfect that they are trying to taint your perfect image.

But of course, as your admirer he’ll protect you.

At any coast.

Since he’s so rich he can easily bribe the network.

But it’s not good at all for the idol you’ve been rumoured with.

Oh, not at all.

The idol would get into another big controversy.

All thanks to the one and only.

No one can ever taint his angels' perfection.

No one.

Yoongi:

No! Yoongi wouldn’t be able to tolerate the scandal well.

Yoongi loves you so much, you are his soulmate.

You’re supposed to love him! And your music.

You’re not supposed to get into dating scandals! You should be focusing on making music for him!

Call him selfish! But you belong to Yoongi.

He has been loving you for so long!

You can’t love someone else!

He’d cry for days whole staring at your pictures and posters.

He’d write you countless love letters!

With blood on them.

Yes. His blood. You have to deny the rumours.

Because if you do not. Yoongi would kill himself..

But not before staining his hands with your boyfriend’s blood though.

Hoseok:

Oh wow, damn, this is like Hoseoks worst nightmare. And yours too.

Hoseok is pretty sensitive to stuff like this. You can imagine his phone with a broken screen and him crying and screaming like a lunatic.

He wouldn’t be able to wait too much and will decide to come to your agency.

He’d trash around the building requesting to see you ASAP. He’s fucking crazy.

And when they won’t let him see you, he can end up murdering some of the people, he’s going to first kill the person who dared to publish such utter bullshut about you.

And then that idol of yours. The idol is going to be finished.

And then you’ll be Kidnapped and held hostage in Hoseoks house, his house is filled with your pictures and stuff.

In conclusion, your career is finished.

Oh! And your freedom too Because now you belong to the psycho.

Namjoon:

Now Namjoon is an optimistic person when it comes to things like these. He knows you like the back of his hand.

He’d try to keep calm. He’d try not to let his paranoia get to him.

He’ll end up stalking you. Taking some pictures as well. And then when he’d be satisfied that there is really nothing but bullshit on the internet.

He’ll really calm down and relax.

He’ll write down a few articles about the rumours. Degrading the poor idol and highly praising you like a diety.

Namjoon has a lot of contacts around the news industry. It’s too easy for him to make it all stop.

And after a few days, you’ll find yourself involved with the famous journalist, Kim Namjoon.

Well, according to some newspapers and tv.

Scandals couldn’t ever leave the poor you alone? Could they?

As long as Namjoon loved you, they couldn’t, ever.

Because there is no one else that could have his name attached to you except for him.

[olivia200312]

Covid~ TFP! Optimus x Sick! Human! Reader *Request*

Requested by the lovely @StardustUltima

Plot: Hi, there! Idk if you're still taking requests, but could you do a TFP Optimus x Sick! Reader where the reader gets Covid and is sick? I just got Covid and am a little bummed out cuz I had to leave the camp I was at. It's totally alright if you don't want to write this. I won't judge! Thank you!

Sorry that you have Covid, requester. It must suck. But I hope that you're feeling better. Many people survived.

Note: the art goes to the owner!

Head area: Brain: Processor / Brain Module Head: Helm Face: Face plate Ears: Audio receptors / Receptor Orifice / Audials Nose: Enstril / Olfactory Sensor Eye brow: Optical Ridge Eyes: Optics Mouth: Intake Lips: Dermas Teeth: Denta/Dentas Tongue: Glossa

Chest area: Chest: Chassis / Thoraxal Cavity Back: Hexa-Lateral Scapula Spine: Bipedalism cord / Back Strut

Chest and back armour: Chest plate Back plate Mid-section plating Neck guard Side plating

Arm area:

Arms: Arms / Restarlueus Forearms: Bitarlueus Hands: Servos Fingers: Digits

Arm armour: Gantlets Shoulder pads Arm guard

Lower area: Pelvis: Pelvis Butt: Aft / Skid-Plate Thighs: Tibulen Calves: Cadulen Feet: Pedes - the high heel bits are called Struts or Heel Struts.

Lower armour: Skirt plates Aft plate / Skid plate Thigh guard Ankle guard

General/Internal components: Muscles: Cables / Pistons - It depends on the area in question. Veins: Fual lines Stomach: Tanks Lungs: Vents - used to stop the con/bot from over heating. Heart: Spark Tattoos: D-con/A-bot Insignias and the lark T-Cog: The thing that allows all Cybertronians to transform, be that their arms or their whole body.

Bonus:

Penis: Spike

Vagina: Valve

Body: Frame

-------------------------------------

Y/N let out a sneeze again and covered her mouth with her elbow because she coughed. She's been feeling ill for the past few days, almost a week! One day, she suddenly started to cough and the next thing she knew, she sneezed! It got worse that she started to feel ill and hot!

A year ago, a new virus broke out. It broke out in China but no one knew what that new virus was. When someone died, it was so unexpected and unknown what the cause was until the scientists found out that it's a new virus that caused it. They named it Covid-19 or just coronavirus. It belongs to the family of other coronaviruses. There are some other coronaviruses and some of them are dangerous but the new Covid-19... it's getting serious. More deaths came in, people stayed home, kids can't go to school.

In other countries, they started a search on how to protect yourself from the new virus if it arrives in their country. They found good tips like washing your hands, stay home if you feel sick, stay away from the crowds, wear a mask, and stay like 1.5 meters away so respect the distance. Soon, the virus arrived in other countries. In the beginning, China and Italy are the most damaged countries because of how many deaths are reported. Some countries had the virus under control but they lost control and it got worse.

It got so worse that schools closed down, many adults lost their jobs, ... Worse, kids are starting to get infected and they had to stay home. Doctors are doing their best to save people but the people who have illnesses, they're higher victims to die, including kids. It's honestly so depressing. The virus spread in Jasper Nevada and some people got infected. Jack, Miko, and Raf wore masks when they were outside or in school. Y/N followed the rules as well! But, the bad luck arrived and... she got infected. She was now at her house, feeling hot and weak. She can't go to school or else she'll infect others. Jack, Miko, and Raf had to get tested since they had close contact with her. None of them got the virus. Lucky them. June Darby, Jack's mother, is a nurse, and let's just say that ever since the virus arrived in Jasper, she had to work for HOURS! Many doctors and nurses fainted from exhaustion.

Y/N tried her best to take care of herself, to get herself strong again since her body is fighting against the virus. If the scientists found a vaccine already, then they will inject many people. Yes, even if it doesn't protect yourself 100%, your body will recognize very fast when there's a virus inside. If the body starts to fight soon as possible, you have a higher chance of getting healed.

Oh, yeah. Ever since Y/N got the virus, Jack, Miko, and Raf got worried sick about their friend. Y/N couldn't even go to the base! She refused since she doesn't want to get others infected. The Autobots did notice that people wore masks whenever they are in public and they heard about the virus but they got worried when Y/N didn't show up for a week. They got the answer why.

Jack, Miko, and Raf were at the base. When they arrived, they took their masks off. Thye breathed in relief since the masks are so irritated to wear!

"Finally off with the masks!" Miko shouted.

Ratchet, the medic of the Autobots, got annoyed and a bit mad when he heard Miko's loud annoying voice again. He looks over his shoulderplate. "Will you quiet down?! I'm trying to work!"

"Jeez, sorry, doc," Miko grumbled.

Ratchet let out an annoyed sigh and continued to work  He seriously likes to be called by his name, not anything else!

That's when the others came, including Optimus, fragging handsome leader. The Prime then noticed that Y/N was not around again, which got him immediately worried. "Where's Y/N?"

Jack, Miko, and Raf looked sad. They knew the truth, of course since they're humans... Humans can get infected with the new coronavirus. All bots saw their sad expressions. It gave them a sign that something horrible happened.

"Y/N is at her home. You all heard about the new virus, right?"

Everyone at the base nodded.

"Y/N is... infected with the virus. She has a high temperature and is not allowed to leave home."

Optimus couldn't believe what he heard in his audio receptors. His human got infected? Yes, he calls Y/N his human. They're not together, but they both are crushing on each other. He couldn't help but be worried sick about her. You know what? He didn't care anymore what others will say. He ran through the exit and transformed into his semi-truck form. That's when he drove off.

"Wait, where's Optimus going?! Miko asked in shock.

Ratchet showed a little smile while his back is turned. He's proud of his old friend because he's going to help her. He also knows that he's going to transfer her here to the base so that Ratchet can keep an optic on her health. He may not found the cure like how the human scientists are doing now, but he knows how to take of the patients, to make sure that they're strong. In secret, he cares a lot about his loved ones, even his human friends. Nice thing from him, right? "He's going to help her."

At Y/N~

Y/N sneezed again and coughed. She grabbed a tissue from the box and blew. Once she's done, she threw it right in the trashcan. Goal. She really wants to feel better again. It sucks! She let out a weak sigh and that's when her door to the garden opened. That perked her up in alarm. She quickly grabbed a wooden chair and slowly crept to the kitchen, scared and weak. She raised the chair and that's when she was about to swing but a certain familiar servo caught it in time.

"You should be in berth, Y/N."

"O-Optimus?! Oh, gosh... I'm so s-sorry! I thought you were a burglar!" She quickly dropped the chair.

Optimus let out a chuckle and smiled softly. He was in his bipedal holoform and he hid his truck nearby. He doesn't want to attract any Decepticons. His optics filled with sadness, worry, and sympathy when he saw her condition. He looks very weak. She seriously needs help. That's when he picked her up, causing her to yelp and clutch into the Prime for dear life. But when she felt how cold he is, she pressed herself against him.

"I'm bringing you to the base to the base, Y/N. I worry about your condition."

Y/N couldn't help but squeal inside by how cute Optimus is when he worries. She wanted nothing but to kiss him and tell him that she'll be ok. But she nodded her head weakly against his cold metal chassis. That's when she felt sot dermas press against her forehead. Aaaw, Optimus kissed her forehead! But can Cybertronians get infected with human, viruses? Now that worries her the most. "O-Optimus, please let me go!"

Optimus looks worried. "May I ask why?"

"Y-You'll... get infected with my virus!" That's when she burst into tears and cried. She looks away while crying, causing Optimus's spark to shatter. She was scared that he'll get infected with human sicknesses? He couldn't help but looks so lovingly that he made her turn her head gently and that's when he kissed her warm cheek. "We Cybertronians do not get infected with humans sicknesses."

"R-Really?"

"Yes, Y/N. But I'm very worried about your health. Ratchet will help you."

Y/N nodded weakly and snuggled close against his cold metal. Optimus frowned since he's worried and walked out through the backdoor towards his truck that was hiding. He'll get her stuff later or send one of his teammates to get it. He gently laid Y/N down on the seats and then went in as well.

At the base~

Optimus parked and transformed, causing Y/N to be on his servo. He looks so soft at her weak body. He then walked to Ratchet. "Old friend."

Ratchet turned around and when he saw Y/N, his optics widen. "By the AllSpark, lay her down on the medical berth."

Optimus did as told and Ratchet started doing different tests. At least it was not painful, but it's some of them were unpleasant like, for example, a long then stick where it enters your nose and is like touching your brain! When the tests are finally over, Ratchet held a datapad and looked serious. "Her body is very weak and needs a lot of vitamins in order to make the chance of defeating the virus higher. She needs to drink a lot of water and eat 3 fruits per day."

Optimus nodded. "Thank you, Ratchet."

"Make sure that she has plenty of rest. I'll make sure that the children stay away for their safety. I'll come to check on her health every 3 megacycles (hours)."

Optimus nodded again, gently picked the weak human up, and walked towards his berthroom. The Bots are lucky that they can visit Y/N without a single problem but Jack, Miko, and Raf have to stay away. Optimus entered his room and closed the door behind him. He then laid Y/N down on his berth. He watched her breath for a moment, then he transformed small. He laid down next to Y/N and pressed against her body. Y/N snuggled against him and opened her eyes tiredly. Optimus gave her a soft and soothing smile as he pressed his dermas against her soft lips. Y/N responded by kissing him back happily.

When the kiss was over, Optimus spooned her. "I'll make sure that you're strong again, Y/N."

Y/N smiled while enjoying her sweet cuddles with her new boyfriend. Optimus continued to spoon her and leaving soft kisses on her.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X15

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Wow! A lot happened in this episode. It was billed as Jackson’s goodbye episode, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Meredith got discharged and was reunited with her kids, Tom decided to move to Boston to work for Jackson, and we got the show’s first Indigenous doctor and patient storyline! I honestly think Jackson’s farewell was really well done! While it’s true he could do the work he wants to do just as easily from Seattle everything else about his exit makes sense to me. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines and he wants to make real change where he can.

I loved his conversation with Meredith and how he was the one to sneak her out. I loved Meredith's voice over for this episode and how it followed Jackson's actions and the flashback montage set to music. I thought it was fitting. I would have liked him to have said goodbye to Ben because they were the Plastics Posse until he left to become a firefighter but apart from that I was happy with it. The character has come such a long way during his run on the show and I feel like this episode reflected that.

The editing was really well done too. Especially the shot of him overlooking the lobby. That transition was seamless. I loved his goodbye scene with Meredith. It made me so emotional. I love that Meredith tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about how she won because she's the last one standing. That scene when she hugged the pillow after he left because she misses him and everyone else really got me. I also really liked the conversation he had with Bailey and Richard.

I'm glad he said a proper goodbye to Jo although I didn't find it super emotional. In addition to Ben, I would also like to have seen a goodbye with Maggie. I'm surprised they didn't do that. Maggie was so focused on Meredith's recovery that it's not clear if she even knows that Jackson is moving to Boston. They also could have done a big emotional scene with Catherine. On a lighter note, I am so happy that Meredith is doing better for real this time and has been discharged! I've been waiting for this since the mid-season point.

I loved the scene where she was reunited with her kids and Amelia was panicking about the state of the house and Meredith told her it was fine and that was just how she liked it. Meredith getting Jackson to sneak her out of the hospital felt very in character to me. As her voice over says Meredith isn't one for tradition or big hullabaloos which is why I think the others tried to keep it a secret. I'm not surprised that she ducked out early. While I get why the other characters wanted to do a big send off for her, I feel like they should know by now that's not her style.  

I loved the scene where Amelia and Link found out Meredith might be coming home, and they hugged and then Link said he had to go to work and Amelia started crying and then asked why he was still there. Link was so confused and then Amelia told him she’d be crying off and on like that all day to get her emotions out and that she’d be fine and he needed to go to work. That is so Amelia! But in a good way. Post-tumour and with her addiction under control even in a pandemic Amelia is now able to express her emotions in a healthy way so she doesn’t relapse or spin out of control. That is such huge growth for her. I loved the scene at the end with her and Meredith.

The smile that they share. The look between them. You could see early seasons Private Practice Amelia in that look but also mature and stable new Amelia. I loved that Amelia was all worried about the state of the house and Meredith was fine with it being a mess because as a working Mom she knows what it’s like and all she wanted was to be at home with her kids in her messy house.

At the end of the episode we find out that Tom’s near death experience with COVID has caused him to re-evaluate his life. He feels lucky to have lived to have been spared and he wants to help Jackson make real change in Boston. On the one hand I was surprised by Tom’s exit, but on the other hand I wasn’t. I love Tom and will truly miss his character, but ever since the affair came out and he and Teddy split and she started working on trying to repair her relationship with Owen, Tom hasn't had a lot to do.

I'm sad they didn't do more with him because he's such a great and complex character and I know some people had speculated they might pair him up with Mama Ortiz which could have been interesting. I'm sad we didn't get to see him say goodbye to Amelia, Link, Teddy, Catherine, or Meredith. Tom and Amelia are old friends, he trained her, he took out her brain tumour, and she rushed to the hospital when she heard he had been admitted for COVID-19.

Tom and Link seemed to be getting along as of late and Tom was ready to be a father to Teddy's baby before she got back together with Owen. He found her the perfect apartment and he built a crib for a child that wasn’t biologically his that he was so excited to meet and be a Dad to. All this after his own son died and his marriage collapsed as a result. He treated her like gold and she’s done nothing but treat him horribly for no reason. I don't think I’ll ever forgive Teddy for that.

Catherine and Tom are also old friends that go back even farther. She appointed him as Chief Medical Officer of the Fox Foundation. She told him about DeLuca’s death and took him to the Memorial. When Richard was sick, she told him she wanted him to take over the Foundation in her absence. Tom and Meredith had such an emotional scene earlier this season and he's been praying for her every day. Does she know that? Does Meredith know that Tom has been praying for her and worrying about her? I was expecting a follow up scene to that, so I hope we get one.

I found the patient storyline that Tom, Levi, and Indigenous intern James Chee had really moving. Grey's has never had an Indigenous patient or doctor on the show before and while the dialogue did feel heavy handed at times, they brought some really important issues to light and were trying to make up for lost time so that’s understandable.  

Robert I. Mesa who plays Dr. Chee is Navajo Soboba and the patients that they treat at Coast Salish whose traditional territory encompasses the province of British Columbia, Canada and the states of Washington and Oregon in the United States. It’s really great to see an Indigenous actor bring stories about Indigenous characters to life in a realistic way for the same reason that it’s important to see black, brown, Asian, latinx, and LGBTQ+ actors bring stories about characters like themselves to life. It brings authenticity and ensures sure that white straight cisgender people aren’t taking roles away from people within those communities.

When I found out through Twitter that the show had cast its first Indigenous doctor, I was very excited. I work for an Indigenous organization currently and so Indigenous representation is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. The first thing that came to mind for me was the Coast Salish artwork you see in the background of so many scenes of the show. From the show’s earliest seasons, you can see beautiful art pieces in red, blue, and black depicting fish, birds, and other animals on the walls of the hospital and in people’s offices.

Yet it is never addressed or mentioned that that is Coast Salish artwork. In order for it to be there someone from the art department must have travelled to Seattle to buy some local artwork to put up around the hospital. While that’s great for making the hospital look authentic to the area by not mentioning its origins or the fact that Indigenous people exist for 16 seasons does all Indigenous people a disservice. Indigenous people are not stereotypes or tokens or simply makers of pretty pictures.

Every group has their own culture, artwork, language, and traditions. I’m glad that Grey’s Anatomy is finally acknowledging the existence of Indigenous Americans and the fact that Indigenous people exist and continue to exist despite repeated ruthless attempts to murder and assimilate them. This is a huge problem in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations. While in the last few years Indigenous issues have gotten greater coverage in Canadian media there isn’t as much media coverage of Indigenous issues in the United States.

I love that Tom and Levi treated both the pregnant woman and her grandfather with respect and dignity and didn't dismiss their concerns or mock their traditions. I love that Tom actually had some knowledge of smudging ceremonies and that he referred to Dr. Chee respectfully when needed and allowed him to perform a smudging ceremony for the grandfather. When the pregnant patient’s husband thanks them and says that in the past they haven’t had great experiences in big hospitals that is unfortunately a sad reality for many.

Like other people of people and other marginalized and oppressed groups the concerns of Indigenous patients are often not taken seriously, and they often encounter racism that leads to poorer treatment and death. When the pregnant patient talks about how their centres are under resourced and that they were sent body bags instead of medical supplies that is a real thing. The Trump Administration actually did that in the States and the Harper Government here in Canada did that during the H1N1 Epidemic.

Thankfully, here in Canada the COVID-19 Pandemic response of the Trudeau Government has been worlds better. No sending of body bags and instead medical supplies and lots of relief money has been given to Indigenous organizations like mine to help real people. Indigenous Canadians have also been given priority status for vaccinations and as a result people are alive today that would have died previously. Now that’s not to say things are perfect here. There are still so many issues that need to be addressed including police violence, discrimination within the justice system, and the rate of missing and murdered Indigenous women. But at least some progress is being made.

The fact that they wrote Tom off reminded of an old adage about Grey’s Anatomy that I heard someone talking about at the start of this season which is that if there isn’t anyone significant for a character to date and you’re not an original character your days on the show are numbered. The fact that they wrote Tom off after putting Teddy and Owen back together makes me even more sure that Meredith and Hayes are going to end up together and that their relationship will be a key plot point of Season 18.

If that wasn’t the plan, I don’t think Hayes would still be there. There have been episodes this season where he has been very prominent, episodes where he’s been completely absent, and episodes like this one where he has a few short scenes. He wouldn’t still be there hanging around in the background if the plan wasn’t to set him up with Meredith. To me the only explanation that makes sense is that they are going to put Meredith and Hayes together hopefully before Season 17 ends.

Side note, I bet all of the actors who passed on being Meredith’s love interest or backed out for a movie or tv role on a newer show probably feel real dumb right now. Grey’s is about to go into its 18th season and Richard Flood who plays Hayes is getting paid mad bank whether he’s prominently in the episode or not! Plus, he slays that role. While the path they took to get here was bumpy I’m so glad that we got Hayes as a character and we’ve gotten to see his relationship with Meredith develop.

I would have loved to see more of Hayes this episode. I was expecting a scene in which he visited Meredith and I was a bit disappointed we didn’t get that. I get that the focus of the episode was on Jackson’s departure, Meredith being discharged, and Tom’s epiphany, but it would have been nice to see that. The scenes we did get were great! I love his dry sense of humour and his comments about Jo’s terrible handwriting.

My favourite moment of the episode was hands down when Hayes came to clap out Meredith with everyone else and then Perez came out and they realized that she had snuck out early and Hayes laughed and said, "Nice one Grey, Brillant!" And then he wished everyone a good night and headed out. If Meredith isn't there, he's out. He’s not even trying to hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. It’s an open secret that he likes her and is clearly smitten. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the janitors have a group chat about it.

I love that he laughed about it like it was some big cosmic joke they were both in on. He knows her so well. Everyone else was confused and her sisters were worried when they didn’t hear from her, but Hayes wasn’t worried because he knew she’d snuck out the back and that someone must have helped her. Speaking of romance, I’m guessing that next season they will bring in a new Head of Plastic Surgery for Jo to date. I feel like they will have more luck finding someone than they did when they tried to hire a new love interest for Meredith over the last few years because right now work is scarce.  

Also, in the romance department Teddy and Owen are back together. I'm happy for them, but other than that I don't really have any strong feelings about it. I am happy that they seem to be good and that the fighting and long-drawn-out drama is over. I've never been a ride or die Teddy and Owen shipper, so I don't feel an emotional rush seeing them back together. I loved Tom and Teddy together so I'm sorry that ended especially since Teddy and Owen have always been such a mess.

I think that they should have spent less time fighting and more time rebuilding their friendship before getting back together. We spent the first half of the season watching them fight non-stop and Owen made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Teddy ever again. Teddy treated Tom like crap while trying to win Owen back who clearly didn’t want her. While I’m glad they have reconciled, and the drama appears to be over I wish they had spent less time on the fighting and more time on exploring Teddy’s trauma and having them rebuild their friendship if that was the route they were going to go.

We also get more details about Maggie and Winston’s wedding this episode. I posited on Twitter a few days ago that I thought Maggie might ask both her dads Bill and Richard to walk her down the aisle as she'd want to include both of them in the ceremony. I think having Bill walk her down the aisle and Richard officiate is lovely. It reminds me of when Bailey stepped up to officiate Callie and Arizona's wedding.

I’d like to see more interactions between Meredith and Winston and Meredith and Link in the future as both men have become a part of the family largely while Meredith was sick so it would be great to see them get to know each other and bond. I really loved the scene between Winston, Link, and Owen where Winston was trying to figure out if Teddy and Owen were back together and Winston and Owen were teasing Link about the Sister House. It’s nice to see them all bond. It would be even better if they would all have more scenes with Hayes and for them to bond as well. I hope to see more of that next season.

I get why Link wants to get out of the Sister House, but I think he was a bit unrealistic about the situation. Meredith just got discharged. Amelia and Maggie aren’t going to want to leave her side until she tells them she’s ready and it’s okay for them to go and take a step back. I foresee them going with a hybrid approach next season where Maggie and Winston move to his place following the wedding and Link, Amelia, and Scout move to Link's place, but they still spend time at Meredith's house frequently. I imagine after being away from her kids for so long at some point Meredith is going to want her house back and to spend time alone with her kids.

I'm interested to see Meredith talk about her time on the beach in the upcoming episodes. Richard and Bailey were struggling to figure out how to tell her about DeLuca’s death but we the audience knew that Meredith already knew he had died. When she coded previously, and Ellis Grey passed away the first words out of her mouth were about her mother being dead. But here we see something different. When Meredith wakes up this season the first words out of her mouth are about how much she and Derek love Zola. She uses the word ‘we’ so the audience knows what she’s talking about, but the characters don’t.

It appears that at least a week has passed since the previous episode possibly two and we learn that Meredith hasn’t brought up her time on the beach or her visits from the dead to anyone. I think that she’s keeping that to herself for a few reasons. She didn’t want to leave the beach and telling that to the people who just spend the past three months trying desperately to save her life would probably come across as suicidal and upsetting. The conversations between her and Derek were personal and private, and she may not be ready to share them just yet.

Her conversations with George, Lexie, and Mark were also pretty personal so she might not be ready to talk about that either. In this episode we see her tell Bailey and Richard that DeLuca is okay because he’s with his mother. The scene cuts away, so we don’t know what else she tells them. Hopefully we’ll find out next week. My guess is that the first person she’ll talk to about the beach in the following episodes will be Hayes because he will understand her desire to stay because of how he lost his wife.

He won’t see her desire to stay on the beach as suicidal or crazy because he would probably think about doing the same thing if given the opportunity. We saw Meredith be really vulnerable with Hayes when she first got sick about her fears of dying and falling asleep. They’ve talked at length about their spouses and their past relationships in a way she hasn’t with other characters. I feel like he is the perfect person to talk to about what happened on the beach because he won’t judge Meredith or take her desire to stay personally.

They’ve already established that Hayes is a supportive and understanding person who is happy to sit there and listen to Meredith talk about her experience of dating after death and past relationships and so I think he’s someone Meredith can open to about what it was like to see Derek again, what it was like to realize her ex-boyfriend was dying, what is what like to get closure with George, and gain wisdom from Lexie and Mark. I’m hoping that will happen in next week’s episode and if not in the finale.

We saw Helm having a tough time this episode. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good idea. I think it will give Helm the support she needs and I'm glad Levi is there for her. We haven't seen Jo and Helm interact much so far, so I'm interested to see how Jo is going to feel about her moving in. Also, where is Helm going to sleep? Jo and Levi live in a one room loft where Jo sleeps in a large bed and Levi sleeps on the couch. I would have liked to have seen more scenes along the way building up to this as Levi and Helm haven't had a scene all season and now right at the end you see him trying to help her. I also really miss Parker as a character. I wish they brought him back as well as Helm.

Something I didn’t like was that they seem to be focusing on DeLuca, his death, and his absence more than they should. I get that the writers and people behind the scenes liked the actor who played him, but the character himself was pretty widely detested by the other characters for seasons 15 and 16 so having them talk about him like he was such a great guy that everyone was super close to and that they all miss feels hollow to me and kind of annoying.

DeLuca and Meredith were not that close. They weren’t friends and rarely had a scene together prior to Season 15. They stopped talking entirely after he broke up with her in Season 16 and they weren’t friends when he died. So, talking about how he would have been so happy for her and one of the first people to cheer her on is strange. Also, I felt like Jo’s comments to Carina were out of place. I get that when someone dies its customary to say nice things about them to their family and Carina is mentoring Jo and she’s grateful for that, but DeLuca was god awful to her.

They become really good friends after Alex attacked him but then they stopped being friends when she got back together with Alex. They stopped having scenes together after that until he took an interest in Meredith at which time Jo and Alex both made it abundantly clear to his face and behind his back that they disliked him, and they hated the idea of him and Meredith together. All he did was antagonize both of them during seasons 15 and 16 for absolutely no reason and then after Alex left DeLuca walked up to Jo at the Emerald City Bar touched her without her consent and attempted to kiss her and get her to sleep with him to the point that she wound up throwing a drink in his face to get him to leave her alone.

He then told the bartender she was crazy after she told him to get some help. That’s sexual assault and attempted rape and DeLuca should have gone to jail for what he did. Instead we never see it addressed, he never apologizes, and they don’t share a single together after that. My hope is that they will finally moving on from talking about DeLuca and his absence next season. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point and it’s time to move on.

Onto next week’s promo! We don’t get a lot of information from this one. We see Bailey talking about how she’s losing surgeons left, right, and centre and she can’t afford to lose anymore and Meredith talking about how she can’t operate if she can’t stand on her feet. She’s worried she might never get back to operating, but this is Grey’s Anatomy so we know she will. Link talks to Amelia about wanting more children which considering that Scout is only a few months old and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house full of children just last week is a terrible idea. Link finally calls Jo on the fact that she clearly wants to adopt Luna who promptly codes! Yikes!

Until next time!