"good people are out there you just need to get out and find them"
cool thanks. but i'm too tired to keep ~going out and looking for them~ i'm too tired to keep trying, using up all my energy, getting super overwhelmed and burnt out after just a couple weeks of trying as hard as I can, met with other people barely trying back or not being very responsive, and needing to recover from it for a year or more each time because it overwhelms and burns me out so bad. I get nowhere no matter how hard I try, all i get is uselesss advice from people i try to befriend who dont want the responsibility of friending me. i'm tired of trying beyond my limits and causing more issues for myself. or dealing with issues I get from meeting the "wrong" people. if the "right" people exist, why can't they find me? why does it have to be only my job? i'm too tired and overwhelmed and burnt out to do it!!!!! the right people will just easily help and be there for me right? so I guess i just have to keep waiting for them for all eternity????? i'm tired of waiting. give me more than "just wait/keep trying/don't give up" because those instructions unclear and my useless attempts are very discouraging and exhausting and i'm so overwhelmed that i'm losing the ability to even socialize at a minimum at all now!!!!
if humans are meant to be social creatures and we require positive interactions with each other to stay healthy, then why do humans ostracize their own? why do some of us struggle so much and are denied any help and instead blamed? why can't I be given advice on how to live a lonely life without anyone else by my side instead of being told "one day! keep trying! you need people because it's essential to being human!" even though i've been waiting for "one day" for 25 years and could wait 25 more, or even longer? I don't know what i'm doing wrong or how to improve it so waiting is all I have. what if I wait forever?
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i really liked my tags on this post so i wanted to touch them up and post them as a stand alone! i ended up adding quite a bit to this ''':)
What artistic skill does Izzy possess?
I think he has a lot of 'practical' artsy skills. he’s decent at sewing (mending your own clothes isn't just useful, it's almost a requirement at sea with limited possessions and resources) he's probably decent at braiding hair from having to splice rope- simply anything with roots in being useful I think he has done enough to be decent at by this point in his life.
Singing comes into this as well, holding a rhythm is important for certain sailing tasks, and while I think he can sing in ways that don't translate to shanties, I don't think he has utilised this in a long long time (so excited that we are apparently getting an Izzy singing scene in s2!!!! I need him to know he can have fun)
Another thing is I think he was a really good tattoo artist! I don't actually see him as having the creativity to come up with interesting and unique designs but I do think he is excellent at the act itself, and at copying requested designs. you need a swallow? an anchor? a ship? any common sailors tattoo? he can absolutely do it and it will probably be the best tattoo you have. it was always a mark of honour if you could convince him to do yours on the Queen Anne- he was very busy and didn't often do them, and definitely wouldn't do them if he didn't respect you. He's done a lot of Ed's 'quality' tattoos (though I think Ed also does a lot on himself), he's done tattoos for Fang, and Ivan, and he will do them for the rest of the kraken crew in the future. (he will even do one for Lucius one day, one of his own pieces of art as long as its not an Ed face or a dick. They understand each other now)
anything else? I don't know, I see him very much as, he won't let himself do things if they aren't practical. his canon whittling is as close as he gets and that's more of a 'thing to do with your hands while watching the deck' kind of thing. have knife will whittle
I think ultimately, Izzy doesn't let himself do things for himself. if you love something, if you have a soft spot, it can be targeted, taken away.
I do think he maybe dances though. He always plays it off as something Ed forces him to do when they're drunk/on shore but... he loves it- the motion; the reliance on another partner and the intimate understanding of exactly what they're gonna do next? I think he would love that actually.
I think dancing might be the one thing he always does for fun. He never lets himself have it, but if Ed demands a partner? Yes, of course, anything for his Captain.
(Ed always demands a partner. he likes dancing well enough but he likes seeing Izzy do it more- he knows Izzy will never do it on his own, he understands why, but Ed is Blackbeard. Nobody fucks with Blackbeard- and if he wants to dance? if he wants his first mate to dance? they're fucking dancing.)
but that's not the truth of the situation, really.
It always takes him a second to let his guard down, but he relaxes into it. He lets himself loose in a way Ed only sees when he's deep into the rhythm of a swordfight. And perhaps it's the same, to him- finding the flow of the battle, of the music. Feeling his partner, understanding them and being understood in return? It's all the same- but dancing is safe. Dancing is fun. In a swordfight there are stakes- and he loves the stakes, he loves that this thing that means everything to him matters, but sometimes, just sometimes, it really is nice to move like that in a way that doesn't matter.
And when they really get going- all twirls and jumps and frankly being a little ridiculous, Izzy laughs. A deep belly laugh, a kind of joy you didn't think was possible from him. But here he is, letting go at last. He laughs and he smiles and he feels such joy, the rest of the world melts away, and it is just him and his partner, dancing.
(later- much, much later, a man will play a battle song over their raids, a jaunty little tune that throws off everyone they fight against, and Izzy gets to dance, and fight, and feel free, unburdened by the weight that he's carried with him his whole life. They'll dance after too, and he will have finally found a place where he completely belongs)
(if you liked this, can I recommend Talking Bodies by ItsClydeBitches, i feel like that fic fits the themes of dancing incredibly well)
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yknow I've been thinking about what dream looks for in friends and lovers and I've noticed that it's not necessarily people that are mean to him, but people that are direct. dream himself deals in metaphor and manipulation, it's simply what he is, so just about everything within his realm that he's encountering consistently will be such that as well. considering both his own tendencies, the environment it breeds, and his whole Thing about guilt and choice, it makes sense he would choose people who are clear and honest with him. he wants someone who will tell him how it is, but not what to do with that—even when it's not really what he wants, dream knows it's what he can need. I think that's why figures like lucienne, matthew, death, and yes, mervyn can be important! on some level, dream knows he's convoluted and shifty by nature, and he's tried to combat that with concise words and mind-melting beauracracy, but it can't fix everything. he likes people to keep him in check and I think that is the most self-awareness he has ever been capable of. so... clap? no? idk. nod acknowledgingly.
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every time someone dislikes a character I consider autistic because they seem highly autistic coded, especially if it's "for no reason/just a feeling" I get so incredibly sad and offended because I just know it's because they have autistic traits. I know these people would do the same to me and other irl autistic people. and that's always such a shitty reason to dislike/hate someone.
I just know they would hate us autistic for "no reason" and it would be because people for some reason dislike autistic people based on some obscure random feeling and they can't even tell you why. they often see us as "broken neurotypicals" or we give them that "uncanny valley robot" feeling (especially for high masking autistic people) or whatever it is. they often think we appear "normal" in every way, except something is "off" to them, they they dislike and bully us for it. it's not our fault we were born with these traits/disability so it's not fair to hate us for it!
at least that's how it always seems to go for me and everyone autistic person i've personally know. especially ones better at masking. (I personally was never good at masking and was seen as a "weird freak" who deserves bullying no matter what I did, especially since i was unable to talk 95% of the time as a kid) the mask still never truly hides that "off feeling" people get. i'm sure other autistic people experience this too, but people always dislike me or even hate me and usually can't ever seem to give me a reason. friends will suddenly turn on me and not give me a reason. (especially if we always had text based communication online and then we meet irl the first time. they suddenly turn on or abandon me after that). if I can get a reason out of someone, it's always because *insert random autistic trait here* so I assume it's the same with every case
if this happens irl, it has to be the same for fictional characters, right? it's the only explanation I can think of. I see stuff like this all the time. the autistic coded characters are always getting hate for seemingly no reason like this:
meanwhile, the autistic coded characters always become my favorites because I understand them better and relate
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the man who falls – secret origins (1989)
[ID: Two cropped comic pages of Bruce Wayne as a child after falling into a cave and being ambushed by a swarm of bats. There's multiple narration boxes over the pages:
Page One: a three panel sequence of Bruce being rescued by his father. In the first panel, Bruce is screaming with his eyes squeezed shut in fear. He has his fists clenched in front of him and is wearing a reddish pink turtleneck sweater. The narration says, ‘Again, he shrieked — not in terror, but in despair...’ In the second panel, Thomas Wayne is shown from behind in a low angle. He's wearing a red sweater similar to Bruce and is holding a flashlight as he jerks Bruce into him. Above them is bats surrounding them and the broken wood floors that Bruce fell through. The narration continues, ‘The arm curled around him, muffling his voice, and his cheek rubbed against the rough wool of his father's jacket... He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to be away from here—’. In the third panel, they're standing outside. The narration reads, ‘When he opened them, he was in the area behind the mansion, in the pale light of the autumn afternoon, and his father's words pounded at him—’. Thomas is kneeling down in front of Bruce in front of the hole he fell in. He's gripping the child's shoulders as he scolds him, “Idiot! I told you never, never to go off alone. Didn't I? Didn't I?” Martha Wayne is behind them with her hand on the side of her face as she looks at them with relief that Bruce is okay.
Page Two: Martha is defending Bruce as Bruce has his head down. Thomas is still squeezing Bruce's shoulders as Martha tells him, “Thomas, he's frightened.” Thomas replies, “He damn well ought to be. He could have been killed.” Martha replaces Thomas's spot in front of Bruce, kneeling to gently place a hand on his upper arm and using a handkerchief to wipe his forehead. Bruce is standing with his fist still clenched and grimacing as Thomas angrily says, “He's got to learn.” Bruce is shown in a low angle, looking up at his mother with wide eyes. The narration continues, ‘He listened to his father's boots crushing the dead grass, and when he could no longer hear them, he dared to ask:’ “Mommy, was I in hell?” Martha soothes, “No, baby, that was just some old cave. You're safe now,” as she hugs him. His cheek is pressed against hers and she has her eyes closed as Bruce still looks uncertain. END ID]
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i've tried for years to google autism social and support groups near me for adults. not kids or their parents. I found one. but it says they meet Wednesday evenings when I work so I ignored it. today my friend who live in another country tried to help by sending me the link to it. I told her I saw it before but can't make it. she suggested I email the provided email to as if there's any other way to meet outside the designated meeting times. turns out their website seems outdated and the email isn't in service. so I sent an email to the main website email (the website is a messy collection of autism resources mainly for kids and parents) so i'll have to wait to see if they respond on this one. but i'm not hopeful. something tells me the group might not exist anymore. it's not marked on their scheduled events list and the only place they seem active is facebook, which doesn't seem to mention the group at all (at least in the ~year long amount of stuff I scrolled through)
WHY is it so hard to find anything for adults?! why is it so hard to make friends near me! everyone yells at me to join a club or group, but why are they so difficult to find and participate in!
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