#nobody answers me when im suicidal

[378262]

officially so fucking done. tw for the tags dont read

[cilliansdove]

BABY IM SORRY || tommy shelby imagine

pairings: tommy shelby x fem!reader

warnings: postnatal depression/ angst/ suicidal thoughts/ mentions of self harm

summary: y/n's struggling with postnatal depression.

a/n: I am not responsible for the writing you consume. If anything in my writing makes you feel uncomfortable, I apologise, however I can't do much about it. This is my writing and I take full credit for it so please do not copy x paste/rewrite the writing. You may repost/like/comment etc. Enjoy reading!!

There was a feeling of emptiness in my gut that'd been lingering for a while now. It made me feel weak, spoke sorrows to me- told me I wasn't doing nor giving enough; that I was worthless. It got to me all the time sometimes. And it wasn't something I could run away from, or something I could escape. It was glued to me, embedded itself in my skin and made me feel dirty.

I'd spend hours in the bathtub, scrubbing at my skin till it bled and the water made me shiver from the coldness of it.

Tommy never knew about it, I made sure of it. However, it seemed pretty obvious to me, so perhaps he didn't have the time to care anymore. Either that, or I really was useless. To both Tommy and the baby.

No amount of words could portray the numbness I felt around the mini me. As a mother, I'm meant to be able to nurture the little human, yet as of now, I haven't even looked at them for a week.

Frances always gives me this 'look' of sympathy when she sees me; it makes me feel sick. But then again, I always seem to be feeling sick nowadays.

And Mrs Shelby. A name I was no longer living up to. I was destroying the title completely. I stopped organising charity events, stopped going out. I was a rotting corpse, in a rotting home.

Worst of all, Tommy had finally caught on. That didn't hurt, no. It was the look in his eye that made me heart clench- the way his body slumped after seeing how drained I was.

I felt tears begin to brim in my empty eyes, "I'm sorry..." I kept my eyes glued to the floor as I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes.

Tommy cupped my chin and tilted it upwards so I'd look at him. He tilted his head to the side, observing me from head to toe, like I was damaged. As if it wasn't only my head rotting anymore, it was my body too.

His fingertips traced my greying cheekbone and he leant his face down to brush his nose against mine.

"No, Y/n. This is my fault," A tear streamed down his face and I frowned at him, "Baby I'm sorry...I should've been here for you and I haven't," Tommy pressed his forehead against mine.

I hesitantly closed my eyes and nodded my head, "It's okay-"

He cut me off, "No it's not. Don't make excuses for my poor behaviour," He frowned softly and cupped my jaw , "Y/n what's wrong, love?"

I looked at him emptily, baffled by his question. I didn't have an answer to it. But I swallowed down my fear and answered meekly, "I'm not sure, Tommy..."

He looked behind me, gawking at the mess of our bedroom.

"Where's Charlie? Why aren't you with him?"

His words made me choke up, causing tears to freely spill from my eyes. With the little strength I had, I squeezed the fabric of his shirt, and he got the hint.

Tommy put my head on his chest and stroked through the knots in my hair.

"He doesn't need me, Tommy. I'm not good enough to him. I can't feed him properly, I can't settle him. For fuck sakes, I can't even hold him! I'm a disgrace of a mother and a wife. A no good, stupid-"

He shut me off with a gentle kiss to my lips. They moved soothingly against mine, giving me a small sense of comfort.

Tommy pulled away gently, and cupped my face, looking me dead in the eye with a sympathetic look. The same one Frances always gave me.

"You listen to me now, ay?"

I weakly nodded.

"You a no disgrace, Y/n, I can promise you that, my love. And it hurts me that you think you aren't good enough, because god forbid, Y/n, if I didn't have you, there would be no 'Tommy Shelby'. I'd be a nobody," he rests his forehead against mine, "but you are hurting yourself, love. And I am in no way blaming you for that, but it isn't necessary. I love you, yeah? That little boy in his bed loves you too. He thinks the world of you, Y/n. So please, please, love. Come back to me."

I let out a small sob and nodded. But the longer I listened to him, the more the guilt opened its arms to me.

I fell into Tommy, hugging him tightly as I buried my face into his shoulder.

He cooed to me, "It's okay, love. Shh...shh...it's alright. I'm not angry at you, I'm just...scared."

Slowly, I untucked my face from his shoulder, and looked at the tear stains on his shirt. I sniffled and looked up at him. Tommy wiped away my tears with his thumbs.

"I never meant to scare you, Tom."

"I know, love. I know."

____________________________________________

A week later he had taken me to the doctors. They had diagnosed me with postnatal depression. It was the cause to my mood changes, especially towards the baby.

There was no clear fixture other than to 'talk things out'. So I did.

Tommy made me cuddle up to him in bed, and rest my head on his chest so he could stroke my hair.

"Just talk when you can, sweetheart. Or if you're not ready, that's okay too, yeah?"

I let out a deep sigh and snuggled closer to him. Both my fists were clenched, but after a couple minutes, I relaxed.

"Promise you won't be angry?" I looked at him nervously.

Tommy rolled his head back, looking up at the ceiling, "We've spoken about this, Y/n/n. I'm not gonna be angry, ay? I just want to help you, alright?"

"Alright."

I dwelled on whether to speak or be silent.

The urge to tell him how I felt was eating away at me. It was now or never.

"Tommy..." I sat up in the bed, and lay the same way he did. On my back, with an arm under my head on the pillow- staring up at the ceiling.

"Tommy I hurt myself..." My eyes didn't blink for what felt like hours. After saying it, it made what I had done, seem real.

He didn't speak either, which rattled my nerves. Was he angry? Disappointed? Did he not love me anymore? Did he-

"Show me."

I dashed up, and stared at him, "Are you absurd? No!"

He shot out of bed and pinned me to him by my shoulders, making me shriek.

"For god sakes, woman! I need to see it, Y/n!"

He towered over me, his piercing blue eyes shooting at me. I squirmed in his tight grip, trying to get out of it.

"Stop it!" I sobbed, giving up, "S-Stop it."

My body slumped in his grip, and I let my knees buckle and take me to the floor.

Tommy pulled me back up and whispered gently to me ,"Please, love...I need to see. If you don't show me, Y/n, I'll have to go rooting myself."

A deep sob wrecked through me and I gripped his shirt tightly. He wasn't giving me a choice. He was being unfair. Tommy wouldn't want to see the damage I'd caused to myself. It was disgusting.

Hesitantly, I let the straps of my dress slip down my shoulders, allowing it to pool to my feet. I watched as Tommy's eyes were met with the discolouration on my thighs. I watched as his eyebrows flipped upwards. I watched as he didn't blink. I watched him shake his head.

Out of the blue, he pulled me to him in a tight embrace whilst he let out heavy sobs. Ones that made my heart ache.

Without thinking about it, I let my hands run through his hair in attempt to soothe him. But his body was getting heavy on me so i sat us on the bed.

He gazed at me with his puffy eyes, "Why, Y/n? Why, love?"

I shrugged with a blank look on my face. I wasn't sure how to react to the situation.

"I don't know...I thought it was the only way to cope," I looked at the ceiling to stop myself from crying, "It took away the emptiness I felt. I couldn't talk to you...because I didn't want to burden you further with my baggage."

"Oi! I vowed to you that I would look after you through thick and thin, and through sickness and health," he planted a kiss on my temple, "You have never been a burden to me, my love. And you never will be. Because I love you."

I frowned at him, a confused look in my eye, "I don't understand."

"You don't need to. All you need to know, is that I love you no matter the issue, okay?"

____________________________________________

- part 2??🤔🤔

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hi! i recently stumbled upon your blog and i wanted to ask, is it possible for autism to be missed in children? after researching, i managed to tell my mother that i think im autistic, but she was very adamant in that i was screened already as a young child, and that i am not autistic. i am in high school now, and i think i exhibit many symptoms. i have things ill be suddenly extremely invested in for periods of time, costing me sleep and meals, and it takes me extra effort to talk to people in school, to the point where i cry and contemplate suicide almost daily.

im so sorry for venting, and don’t worry if you cant answer my question; thank you for taking the time to read this anyhow 👍

Hi there,

I’ve found an article from the Child Mind Institute talking about this. I’ll paste the short version and leave the full article below:

For kids with autism, getting social skills training as a toddler can make a big difference. But often, children with autism don’t get diagnosed until after they’ve started school. Sometimes, that’s because they get diagnosed with ADHD or sensory processing issues first. These other diagnoses are often correct, but in order to get the right treatment, kids need an autism diagnosis too.

There are a number of reasons why early screenings don’t always catch autism. Doctors often hesitate to diagnose autism if it might be something else. They want to see how the child’s development goes first. Sometimes, kids who have both ADHD and autism just get diagnosed with severe ADHD. Then, nobody realizes there’s more happening until the child starts school and the social parts of autism become clearer.

Autism is also harder to diagnose than ADHD or sensory issues if you’re just seeing your child’s regular doctor. The assessment for autism takes half an hour plus a long interview with parents. So you won’t see it in a standard check-up. Autism also has a range of symptoms that look different in different kids. If your child’s doctor isn’t a specialist, they might not realize your child is showing signs of autism.

Full article:

I hope this is helpful. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[raynecos]

Sour Wine (Skk)

Authors Note: Hi! im not expecting anybody to really see or read this seeing as how its my first tumblr post with something of actual substance or content, but i've made the decision to start writing (again), so thats what this blog willl mainly be used for :], i hope you enjoy if you're reading this! -Rayne Credit to my lovely amazing perfect boyfriend for the plot of this fic <3 TWs: Alcoholism, Suicide Part One: Empty Bottles, Part Two: Coffees Only As Bitter As You Let It Be

Chuuya

However much time has passed, Chuuya wouldn’t know. One moment he’s in his penthouse, lighting a cigarette and opening another bottle. Next he’s sitting at a table among many important faces, the names of which he also wouldn’t know. Given he’d never bothered to learn, and why should he? Drowning out the voices just as much as usual, it’s all a jumble, mixed tones mumbling on and on about numbers, kill counts, drug shipments, and the like. “Chuuya, are you listening to me?” He jumps, looking up from the pen in his hand, Mori’s eyes demanding an answer. “Yes sir.” Chuuya responds quickly, adjusting his expression to appear more alert, as the boss's eyes seem to stare daggers into him, and those blades sting. 

Walking out of the dark, emotionless, and weirdly wet room, he truthfully still doesn’t know what it was Mori was saying. If he didn’t get called back into the office then it couldn’t have mattered anyways. After walking out of the building, the route back to his home was simply muscle memory. Drunk drivings a crime, but who cared, he’d already committed plenty. 

The picture on the auburn coffee table stood out more than usual, Dazai standing behind holding Chuuyas hat while the shorter (but definitely still growing) ginger frustratedly reached for it back, the one behind the camera being Akutagawa. The day of that particular picture's events, shortly after hearing the click of the camera, Chuuya’d been told Dazai wanted a humorous photo of them together. “Just in case something happens, you never know with the mafia. Wouldn’t want me gone without a constant reminder to you that I existed.” 

Those words meant something entirely different now.

Chuuya reached over and slammed it face down, not wanting to see that constant reminder, not while he was sober. The sight of the frame taunting him to undo his action, just to see his former partner's face once again. It wasn't the same. It’d never be the same. Three years since he’d lost his best friend, the only person that made life seem actually worth living. Three years since he lost the love of his life, he should’ve said something, anything. Followed him some way or other, he shouldn’t have needed a car to pursue him.

Three bottles in one night, not even close to a new record. 

None of his decisions were his own, his body moving of its own accord, missions and meetings all a blur. Nothing was interesting anymore, nothing about this job was tolerable, he’d even resorted to cheap booze to keep from remembering why he was here in the first place. 

Only recently turned 21 years old, but it’s nothing new. When you’re in the mafia, following drinking laws, or any laws for that matter, isn’t really a priority. Walking through the main building, it’d be much more surprising to not see somebody under the age drinking. Whether that be a 12 year old or someone who’d just turned 18, nobody’s getting through their tasks sober. Didn’t matter if it was training, a mission, or if you got called into Mori’s office to be told you’d look better in a different color tie, getting through a day without a drop of alcohol is far more impressive than any combat techniques or efficiency picking locks. 

Chuuya sighed, leaning back further in his seat, the black leather cold to the touch. His coat strewn across the coffee table, alongside those three empty bottles, one toppled over leaking the leftover drops of blood red wine onto the wood, likely to stain. The only sound filling the deafening silence of the room being the silent tick tick tick of the clock on the wall. Too much room to think, it was frustrating. Just as he began to think ‘One more drink, just one’ a pin dropped. A metaphorical pin however, in reality it was that the phone had begun to ring. Chuuya sat up slowly, eyes heavy, glancing towards his cell phone which he’d thrown onto the kitchen counter when he’d gone to retrieve the last of his wine. Walking closer to the ringing noise, he hardly realized he was swaying slightly, thankfully not toppling over entirely. His body was on autopilot, not really aware of any decisions he was making. Picking up the phone off of the marble counter without a thought about it. 

“What do you want?” Chuuya stated into the phone with an annoyed tone. Caller ID didn’t do shit for him, no idea who was on the other end but whoever it was they had interrupted his (truthfully nonexistent) thoughts, and that’s just rude.

“Shit” responded a familiar voice on the other end, the call ended quickly, knocking Chuuya out of his trance for a moment. “Hello?” he said as he looked down at the screen, only to see he was no longer talking to anyone but himself. “Jesus christ.” he slipped the phone into his pocket, reaching up to the still open cabinet where he’d usually keep his drinks, only to reel his hand back in and find it empty. He’d forgotten he’d finished off his last 19 bottles in the span of that entire week, a skill only a true alcoholic could master. That and drunk driving, because somehow he’d managed not to cause an accident in the past 5 years, and he definitely wasn’t starting now. Because next thing he knew he’d driven down to a liquor store nearby a river running through Yokohama. The water sparkling, reflecting the lights of the nearby streetlamps, the sunset spreading an orange hue across everything. Hardly anybody walking along the sidewalk, a few cars driving by on occasion, likely people on their way home from work.

Chuuya, who’d become slightly more clear-headed since leaving his penthouse, passed by a few pedestrians while walking along the path from his car to the store, then suddenly stopped.

No reasoning for it, just a feeling that he wasn’t sure how to explain. He turned his head, glancing across the area next to him, and there was the explanation, seemingly right in front of him. The brunette he’d spent all his time mourning losing, the man he wished he would have confessed to before he lost his chance. Standing on a slightly elevated platform looking out over the river's water, was Dazai Osamu.

Chuuya’s eyes widened, tears starting to form in the corners of them, he wiped them away before they could block his vision. Before he realized what he was doing, his feet started moving on their own, no regard for any potential oncoming cars, or people minding their business trying to walk by, he started walking fast, quickly breaking out into a run. Trying to get Dazais name out of his mouth but his throat drying up and lips shutting on their own before he had the chance, choking out a string of incoherent sounds as he pushed himself as far ahead as he could go. 

Right as he’d reached that platform, right as he’d gotten closer to his lost friend, suddenly there was nothing in front of him. Dazai had disappeared, right out of thin air, no longer a person standing in front of Chuuya, just empty space. Was he a hallucination? Confusion overwhelmed Chuuya, reality snapped into him for the first time in those three years, like a rubber band being stretched and threatening to break. He looked down at the platform, seeing stones forming the ground into a slight curve, noticing that in the direction that Dazai seemed to be facing there was a small wall formed as a blockade to prevent a fall. And below, the river that not long before he’d been admiring.

Dazai jumped. 

[nightmaredxydreams]

we've been seeing transramcoa shit and we need to make a public vent about it so people who identify as transramcoa or are considering it won't.

major tw. this goes into detail about csa, deeply.

ok so, im the host. i never knew i went through ramcoa until about a couple years ago, even with clues and shit. i only found out after i met someone else who did and i could relate to their story. so i did research on ramcoa and yep, i fit it in just about every way possible. i literally checked off every box on some list of signs youre a ramcoa survivor. then i realized... i had been programmed for whatever reaction the handler wanted, whatever they wanted me to do, i felt like i was a game and they were the player. i was always told "youre so naive and dumb" and finding out i was a ramcoa survivor made me feel even more naive and dumb. like i was to blame. i felt like if i wasnt so naive and dumb, i wouldnt have been programmed. and the more i found out about ramcoa, the more i discovered the programmed alters. and thats when the persecutory voice in my head got worse. i felt like i was faking ramcoa, faking DID and faking trauma entirely. i felt like i wanted it to be cool or as an excuse for me being "born broken and worthless" with all my trauma responses i didnt even remember the trauma to have. my mental health tanked severely. i was covered in cuts, suicidal, attempted many times, and was reaching out for validation in places i shouldnt have. i drove friends away who couldnt deal with my constant heavy venting. i felt like i was faking or had too much baggage to deserve a friend. i felt like i deserved ramcoa when i believed it happened to me. i became more insecure about my body (this went with the denial- id think i was too ugly to be sex trafficked and i thought i made it all up to be "cool" and "not a virgin" since the body is disabled and cant really have sex) and more hypersexual than ever. when i found out i survived ramcoa, i either felt like it didn't really happen to me and like i was faking or i deserved it when i thought it happened. most of the time i thought it didnt, because your brain doesnt want you to know you have that trauma especially if you have DID. your brain doesnt even want you to know you have DID. if you are a real ramcoa survivor you will feel severe denial it happened and... broken for no reason. like you never went through anything severe so why are you this way? then you deal with the realization it happened and you feel used, dirty, dumb, like a game or a robot, not a real human. trust me, you dont want to be a ramcoa survivor. is that not enough for you? well heres more on how the sex trafficking affected my body and relationships...

i was hypersexual ever since i can remember. i was a three year old child and acting out sexual touching with dolls and imaginary friends. i was only three years old and had shame that i did it, even though nobody knew i did it. i was so developmentally disabled i couldnt put real sentences together or communicate, yet i felt shame for sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends. living my life not knowing i was sexually abused and asked how i discovered my sexuality, i answered with "ive always liked girls sexually ever since i could remember" and had to have it pointed out to me thats not normal and its a sign of sexual abuse. i always thought it was a normal kid thing to be sexual that little. wanting answers as to who violated me when i was so little, i asked the people who lived with me at the time who answered with "maybe it was your step grandfather. you were never alone alone with him so it had to have been brief touches that were a second" when im alone in almost all my memories from when i was little. after getting told "well its maaayyybe him but it cooouuuld be your cousin since she sexually abused you when you were older" and relying completely on external validation to validate what was on my inside, i flip flopped around with it and some people thought my inconsistency about trauma was me lying when i truly didnt know what happened. i lost friends and was doubted by people when i was desperately seeking validation. now to what it did to my body...

i have bladder issues from being sexually touched causing me to have utis. i have uti like pain almost every time i pee. ive been raped with plastic (almost sharp) objects and feel sharp pains in my somatic flashbacks to being raped. i will literally be doing nothing and boom, i feel a sharp pain down there. my vagina rejects tampons or really anything that goes inside it. i feel like someone stuck something up my ass every time i get done taking a shit. i have sudden nausea that doesnt feel like it belongs to me out of nowhere. i have been fucked so much my body is fucked up too. i want hugs, i love affection and it makes me feel important and safe, but i feel like my body is too violated to be loved and i get anyone who touches me dirty and they should feel ashamed for hugging me and i should feel ashamed for letting them.

you don't want this severe mental pain. you dont wanna be like me. you don't want this life. and if you do, you're fucking sick. fuck you.

[moonlightspencie]

The Fulton Project

Description: The knowledge of an FBI operation gone wrong has the world as the BAU knows it turning on it’s head. How does something like this end after months of civil unrest?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader (but honestly the relationship aspect comes like 3rd in levels of importance to this story lol)

Warnings: violence, non-graphic major character deaths (2), implications of suicide, ANGST, (kind of an unreliable narrator, but in an im-traumatized-and-not-thinking-straight way)

Word Count: 4k

A/N: this is me speedrunning a ya dystopian novel to be honest. i wrote it all at like 1am after watching the entire hunger games series lollll

We were gathered around my desk one morning, everything feeling so normal that day. I wish I’d have known then that I wouldn’t get to experience it again. I would have appreciated it more.

“I don’t know. Strauss has been acting super weird. Like she knows something we don’t,“ JJ stated, leaning against my desk.

“What’s new?” Morgan asked with a snort.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s like she’s afraid of something. I don’t get it. She never acts scared of anything.”

I sat with that sentiment for a moment.

“Has anyone asked her?” I inquired. “I know we don’t like to talk to her if we can help it, but if this is serious—“

“I don’t think she’d admit anything,” JJ responded.

“Maybe Pen can dig something up,” I said, just as Hotch strolled in.

“Dig something up on what?” he asked.

“Strauss,” Morgan said curtly. “JJ said she’s been acting all weird lately.”

“Is that new?” he said, giving his barely-there smile.

“That’s what I said!” Morgan yelled out, going back to his own desk.

JJ mentioned something about seeing Penelope, and I watched as she dragged Emily with her. I started on my consultations for the day, and was only interrupted when Spence came up to my desk with a new mug of coffee.

I smiled, taking it from him.

“Thanks, love.”

“Of course. It looked like you needed a little energy boost,” he noted, watching me for a moment. “Do you want to go out tonight?”

I glanced up at him. “Where were you thinking?”

“That Thai place you love?”

I smiled. “That would be great.”

“Do you want to leave after work tonight, then?”

“I’d love nothing more.”

The day went on quickly, and finally getting to have a night that was just Spence and myself was a welcome reprieve from all of the casework we’d been doing. He always seemed to know how to lift my spirits, even when the world was upside down. He did his best, time and time again, to be there for me in whatever way possible.

We were asleep in his apartment when we got the early-morning call. Spence answered the phone, face dropping. I only heard a muffled, panicked rambling on the other end from Pen’s sweet voice. He assured her that the whole team would be there as soon as possible, then turned to me when he hung up.

“Garcia found something big. We’ve gotta get to work.”

We rushed over. I drove as Spence contacted the rest of the team. He immediately went to meet her in the conference room as I double-checked that nobody else was in the bullpen. When I was sure, I started up the stairs and towards the conference room.

“Here,” Penelope’s voice said, quietly as I neared the doorway.

I walked into the room, seeing her look like she’d just seen a ghost. She gave me a quick glance, then excused herself from the room.

“Is she okay?” I asked Spencer.

He only shrugged, unsure. Everyone else filed in within the next couple of minutes. He looked over everything Penelope had given him, sorting through all of the things that were worth reading for the rest of us to see. He only slowed his roll when he started nearing the end.

“I think I found something,” he said.

Prentiss sat up straight. “What is it?”

“It’s called the Fulton Project,” Spencer said, scanning over the rest of the file. “I don’t think this is what it seems.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, pretty boy?” Derek asked, half a smirk on his face.

Spencer wasn’t smiling, and it seemed that Penelope’s exit from the room made much more sense now.

“This is… How did we get this file, again?”

I stood from my seat, circling around behind him.

“Penelope found it. It used to be encrypted, but the last time it was opened someone got awfully irresponsible. She found a way in,” Prentiss said, looking across the table.

I scanned it as she told him, horror building.

“I thought the CIA was the one that did stuff like this,” I whispered finally.

They all gathered around to see what I meant, each person’s attitude turning sour the further down the page they got. However accidentally, we’d uncovered something huge. An entire operation dedicated to not only “silencing” agents, but civilians as well. It was like some sort of twisted men in black for governmental secrets. And it didn’t end there. The torture methods described in order to brainwash people or garner information were on par, and even worse, than the unsubs we hunted down every day.

“What do we do?” I asked.

Instinctively, everyone turned to Hotch. He looked at each of us for a few moments before answering.

“We take it down.”

We went for a few weeks, uncovering as much as we could under the radar. More information than I ever wanted to know came to light, but we had to make a really solid case before we could bring it to a court. It turns out there was more corruption that we’d thought possible after the first file we had seen. Framings and assassinations and brainwashing and making people disappear. It was all too much. Then, Hotch had an idea to light a fire under the bellies of those involved.

I took a deep breath as I stepped up on the podium. Reporters stared me down, all scrambling to get close.

“Good evening,” I began, trying to tune out everything but my own voice. “We’ve— I’ve prepared a statement on the events that occurred today, and over the past few years, really. After an inside investigation, we have reason to believe that the Fulton Project, headed up by Richard Jones, Mark Stein, and Amelia Sanchez has been an elaborate cover-up for operations within the FBI that we as a unit do not stand for. However, these are only allegations, so please let that reflect on the record. We will keep you all updated as we learn more.”

A million questions started being thrown my way, but I felt Hotch take my arm and guide me back off the podium. He started walking me into the building.

“Good. That was good,” he noted quietly. “The sooner this gets out, the more likely it is that we’ll be able to take them down.”

I breathed deep as we stepped into the elevator.

“Are you sure this was the right move? You and I both know this likely runs deeper than the FBI.”

“It’s going to work out just fine,” he said, not glancing in my direction. “After today, everything is going to change.”

I was told that me going on the news to release that statement would be fine. Hotch reassured me that nothing bad would happen. He told me it was the right thing to do. He told me that speaking the names wasn’t defamatory because we weren’t actually accusing them of anything. It was a huge move, and I knew that.

I didn’t know it would change everything.

I sat in the bullpen at my desk when we got back in the building. Everyone left eventually, leaving me, my thoughts, and the imaginary paperwork I told everyone I had to do. I really just needed time to think. Unfortunately, my time for thinking was cut short.

My personal cell rang, an unknown number on the screen. I wasn’t usually one to pick up for unknown callers, but something in me compelled me to this time.

“Hello?” I greeted.

“Do you know who I am?”

The voice was familiar, though I couldn’t place it.

“I don’t.”

A sigh came from the other end.

“You’re nothing but a parasite in this organization. Ruining everything with a stupid press conference, and you don’t even know my name?”

I paused. “I’m sorry.”

“You will be. Live television isn’t the place to expose secrets, my dear, and yet you did it anyways.”

“I didn’t mean to—“

“People are asking questions. You let it all loose, and tomorrow news stations across the country are going to be putting up your name and your image as the person who caused all of this.”

I was silent, trying to process all of this. It was one slip, how could it possibly put me in the line of fire like this?

“Watch your back.”

The line went dead after that.

I left the bureau and went to Spencer’s in a panic. I knew I wasn’t safe at work anymore, and frankly I was shocked I could leave at all. On the way to his place, I tried calling Hotch, but the line was dead. I ended up at the door of Spencer’s apartment, waiting with shaky hands. He opened the door with a smile that faded fast.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Can I come in?”

He nodded, shutting the door behind me as I entered.

“Lock it,” I instructed.

He listened, following me in confusion as I shut his curtains.

“What’s happening?”

“I’m not safe.”

He stopped me from pacing around the room, holding my face in his hands.

“Why not?”

I held onto his wrists, breathing in deep.

“I think—“ I swallowed, unsure if I could finish the statement.

He furrowed his brow, as he always did.

“What?”

“They know that we know. I didn’t mean to, but it’s all being taken down, now.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, trying to get any clear answer from me.

“I think Hotch was using me. He knew this whole time that the higher-ups were corrupted and let me be the one who’s face is plastered on it all coming out. It’s only getting worse now that the secret isn’t contained to the bureau. The whole country is going to know.”

He swallowed, the usual color in his cheeks drained.

“Hotch wouldn’t do that.”

“He would if it meant protecting Jack. He shut off his phone, Spence. He would let me take the fall to protect his son.”

“No.”

I nodded. “He would. He would, and you know that. He could rationalize it by telling himself he wasn’t directly harming me, but he knew what would happen.”

Spencer shook his head, tears in his eyes. I took his hand, trying to give him any semblance of comfort.

“What do we do?” he asked, voice small.

“We’re not doing anything. You’re going to help the team finish what we started.”

“And you?”

“They’re coming for me, but I refuse to let them find me without a fight.”

“Let me come with.”

“No.”

“Please. You can’t do this alone. We stand a chance against them, we can take them down.”

I sighed. “You’re better off trying to do that here. Use that big brain of yours. There’s always a flaw in these systems, especially when the motives for keeping them in place are all wrong. You know that.”

“The team can do it without me. I need to be there with you.”

I sighed hard, knowing he wouldn’t take no for an answer this time. “Fine.”

We worked for months. All of our meetings had to be completely concealed once I went into hiding. The team and I knew better than anyone the lengths they would take to find me and have me destroyed. My image was the one attached to all of this, and now the general public saw me as the sole reason for the secrets getting out.

Against my better wishes, Spencer came with me. We were holed up in Tennessee somewhere, completely cut off from practically everyone. The only person who really knew where we were was Penelope, strictly for the fact that she was the one in charge of communication. That was something else that happened completely against my wishes, but she kept us updated. Hotchner had long-since escaped somewhere with Jack, thus escaping from the inevitable guilt that came with forcing me into a role I never wanted or asked for. I knew that one day, whether I succeeded or not, he’d have to live with himself. That kept me from wishing worse for him.

The others stuck together. Though, having worked for the government, they all had massive targets on their backs. They had to stay off the grid as much as they could. Their only true communications were through Penelope, and the main destination was me. Until, eventually, they stopped communication altogether. According to Pen, they’d found a way to be safe. She wouldn’t tell me any more than that, but if what it took for them to be safe was no longer associating with me, it was worth it.

Unrest continued to build as the general public realized more and more what had been happening within our country. Right under our noses. I worried at first that we would be too complacent to fight against it all, but was quickly proven wrong. My initial exposure of the corruption had inspired a sense of conflict that I would never have expected.

I supposed it helped that the FBI directors immediately tried to kill me. They put me on top of the “most wanted” list, and made it clear that they weren’t going to stop hunting me down. That certainly didn’t assure everyone that things were as fine as they had been led to believe. It was mistake number one.

Mistake number two was the attempt to put military on the streets. They didn’t count on everyone being against a governmental body in such a strong way. They definitely didn’t expect people to be willing to put themselves in the line of fire for freedom’s sake. But, after we released all of the documents that showed what they’d done, it only grew.

I sat in the safe house with Spencer as we watched footage of the destruction. I was used to seeing horrible things in front of my eyes daily. It’s what came with the job I once had. But this was different. It killed me to see innocent people giving their lives when I’d been the one to start it all unraveling. Spencer tried to be sympathetic, but I could see in his eyes that he was glad for it. I would even say he had a sense of excitement at the unrest in the states. It was a miracle for him. It was hell for me.

“I didn’t mean for all of this to happen,” I said quietly, viewing nothing but destruction on the screen before me.

Spencer ripped his sights from it, looking at me instead. Now visibly less excited.

“This isn’t a bad thing, you know? Innocent people were being killed and framed for things they didn’t do, and even worse. It’s good that the secrets finally came out.”

“Innocent people are still dying, Spence.”

“But their deaths aren’t meaningless anymore. They’re fighting against evil.”

I fell silent. I knew he wasn’t getting it. He couldn’t get it, not really. He didn’t feel like he was the reason for all of this. He was used to being the hero, rarely thinking twice any time he gunned someone down. The years of seeing in black and white finally got to him, and now it altered his perception of the current state of the world as a whole. I still saw in tones of gray, and this entire debacle was one big sea of gray. There were no winners or losers, only people who were dying left and right for no real reason.

A ping on my computer alerted me of Penelope’s message, taking me out of my own head.

“Let’s check it out,” I said, not looking at Spencer.

I heard him follow behind me, watching as I clicked on the link from her and typed in the codes we’d agreed upon to view it. There were two messages.

One was typed out:

- Something is wrong. I don’t know what’s happening, but I think they’re coming for me. Now is the time. Don’t wait.

I froze, my stomach dropping.

“What does that mean?” Spencer asked, his voice sounding horribly far away.

I clicked on the second message, an impending sense of doom in my gut. Something was horribly wrong. A video popped up, playing before I had a chance to click it. A familiar face showed on the screen, but it was the last face I wanted to see. Richard Jones.

“Good evening, doll. Your little friend is all done playing walkie-talkie.”

I watched in abject horror as he moved back to show Penelope strapped into a chair. Her usual bubbly, colorful self was in drab clothing. Her hair undone. Not an ounce of makeup on her face. The only color I saw was the pink tint on her nose and cheeks from all the crying she was doing. Those were the first things I noticed. The second was a gun aimed at her head.

“Turn yourself in. We’ll find the rest of your friends if you don’t. Let this be a message that we’re not afraid to wipe out every last one of you.”

The trigger was pulled, but my scream and the hands flying to my eyes still couldn’t shield me in time from hearing the shot or seeing red splattered over her body. I fell to the ground, sobbing in hard breaths that couldn’t be stopped. I felt Spencer’s hands try to comfort me or at least stop my crying, but it was all so far from me. I was outside of my body, looking down at myself in a mess on the ground. She deserved so much more than an early, terrifying death that could have been prevented.

The next thing I remember is waking up on the couch. I shot up, heavy breaths coming in at the dream that I quickly remembered was actually a memory. She was gone. And it was my fault. I couldn’t stop myself from acting anymore.

I got up, getting dressed quickly without waking Spencer. I gathered my things, and started packing them all up in a different room than the one he slept in. It didn’t stop him from coming in.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going. No one else is going to die because of me.”

“They’ll kill you.”

I was quiet as I packed the rest of my things. He physically got in my way when he realized I wasn’t going to quit.

“Stop.”

“Move, Spencer.”

He huffed a sigh, taking my arms as I tried to move around him again.

“Please, stop doing this. I don’t want to fight you.”

“Good, because this isn’t your fight to begin with. It’s mine. Pen said to stop waiting, and I’m not going to give up on her dying wish.”

He stomped out of the room, and I thought I was in the clear until he came back a minute later, completely dressed.

“If you’re leaving, I’m coming with.”

I shook my head. “You’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

I pushed past him into the hallway.

“You need to stay safe, Spencer. You’re not safe with me.”

“I still love you, you know?” he called after me as I walked towards the door.

I froze, my eyes closing tightly. He walked up behind me.

“Do you still love me?”

I sighed. “You know I do. But things are different now.”

“It’s been months since you said it. The last time you did was two weeks, three days, and 8 hours from the time we first came here to keep you safe.”

“I’m sorry.”

He grabbed my arm again, and I turned to face him reluctantly.

He furrowed his brow. “If you still love me, then please don’t make me stay here while you run off to die.”

“They might kill you, too, Spence.”

“I know.”

I swallowed, then nodded solemnly. He finished getting ready, and we were off less than an hour later. I didn’t know where to go, so I figured the easiest course of action would be to meet them where they were: DC. The only question that lingered in my mind is if they’d let me get that far before inevitably killing me off. Or worse.

We were traveling as quietly as possible until we got to Virginia. We decided to stay the night at an abandoned hotel, and the easiest way for me to get any peace of mind was turning on the news. Staying updated was the only thing getting me through anymore. There was no such thing as peace. Every day was a new form of hell, and it never ended. I longed for days that were as easy as chasing down serial killers.

I didn’t realize I had drifted off until I heard vehicles approaching. I looked out the window and down at the ground to see multiple cars pulling up quickly.

“Spence,” I whispered, running over to shake him awake. “They’re here. We need to go.”

His eyes shot open.

“What?”

“They found us. They found me, we need to leave.”

He sprung up, gathering his guns before checking out the same window I’d looked through.

“They’re surrounding us.”

I breathed heavily, my mind racing with a million possibilities. I ultimately settled on one.

“Follow me,” I said, running into the hall.

He chased after me blindly, and I let myself take a moment mentally to appreciate that he always trusted me. Hopefully that would carry him through. We burst into the stairwell, and I started racing up the steps. He questioned what I was doing, but ultimately decided to keep chasing after me. I found the door I was looking for, and stepped out onto the roof of the hotel. I turned to look at him as he scrunched up his face in confusion. He glanced around, only paying more attention once I neared the edge.

“What are you doing?” he exclaimed quietly, pulling me back.

I watched as the last of the men below entered the building. I took a moment to appreciate the breeze blowing against my warmed skin. I felt everything so much more in that moment. Then, I finally spoke.

“If I jump, you have a chance. They’ll find you here without me. You can say you pushed me, and they’ll let you live.”

He stared for a moment.

“It isn’t right. You can’t just— You can’t do that.”

“There’s worse fates, Spencer. Don’t tell me what’s right when we can’t ever know for sure the difference between right and wrong here. Not anymore.”

“I promised I’d never let anything happen to you. Please don’t make me watch it all be for nothing.”

I looked down at the ground. I was fairly certain that even if I survived the fall, something else would finish me off. Spencer would be safe.

He took my hand. “All of this for so long. We came here together, we stayed together, and for what? For you to die?”

“I can’t let them take me. You can survive. I can’t get away. I lit the fire, and you know that they’ll want to do much worse than kill me for that.”

“Please.”

I shook my head, hearing the voices grow closer as they came up the stairwell. All of these months felt like years. The betrayal from a close friend. Seeing Penelope die because of it. It was like a thousand lifetimes crammed into one. I couldn’t let Spencer be the next on the list who was harmed because of me. My mind was made up. This was the only way he could get out.

“I love you, Spence. But I refuse to let you burn with me.”

He stared, though whether his eyes were filled with horror or emptiness I’m still not sure. All I know is that I fell, and that it didn’t feel like I thought it would.

It felt like peace at last.

[flame-cat]

hey fellas so @boyswillbeboxes and I have been cooking a fun concept for a few days and I thought I'd share it with you along with some Images I doodled. the post we're talking about at first is this one right here but if u don't feel like looking at it tl;dr its kim glaring at jean and being possessive of Harry. synopsis under the readmore! tws for suicide baiting and suicidal actions

rat: THAT FUCKIN COMIC WITH KIM GIVING JEAN THE SIDE EYE I'M SCREAMING

GET HIS ASS KIM

me: DLFJFKFKF IM SO GLAD U SAW ITTTT

rat: I JUST DID

me: thought of u makin that

rat: 😭😭

I'm so honored

God lmao you're right tho

Listen listen if Harry fails the check for the karaoke and Jean is there and doesn't clap for Harry, Kim swears a VENDETTA

That's CANON

He brings it up at the tribunal he's so petty

The second one

He says some really backhanded shit I don't remember the specifics but he's basically like Enemy Sighted

me: he took one look at this man and went "is anyone gonna become harshly overprotective of that" and didn't wait for an answer

rat: NO FOR REAL

IT'S INSANE HOW QUICKLY KIM WOULD DIE FOR HARRY

I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM

me: like in my head it literally is just. jean is minding his business. he doesn't even do anything. and Kim is just glaring daggers at him from across the room. in my head it's a sitcom bit where every time Harry leaves the room with Kim and Jean left Kim threatens Jean's life and as soon as Harry comes back in hes Normal again and jean is like GET YOUR FUCKING DOG BITCH

rat: Nobody ever believes Jean when he says this is happening

"No he's so even-tempered he's really polite maybe you just misinterpreted?"

Or even worse it makes Jean look crazy

me: like jean comes back to his desk and there's his mug which is now filled with dirt and a sticky note that says "bitch"

he looks over at Kim's desk and Kim is staring directly at him with murder in his eyes

and then a couple seconds pass and he looks away like nothing happened and jean is like "oh its ON motherfucker" (it is not on. jean can't hope to fight back against the wrath of kim kitsuragi)

jean fills Kim's coffee with salt? Kim just drinks it all. completely straight face. doesn't flinch once

kim comes over later and is like "thanks for the coffee" even tho jean was SURE no one saw him do that

he goes to fucking pryce about it eventually and he's just like "I don't appreciate you spreading rumors about the newest member of the 41st. he's done exemplary work. far better than you. maybe you need to go through that sensitivity training again?" and he blows his fucking LID over that.

challenges kim to a fucking brawl in the middle of the bullpen and Kim is just like. officer you're embarrassing yourself *eyebrow*

his reputation never recovers. even more of a joke than Dick Mullen now

rat: Kim being so so SO careful never to do this when anyone else is around. But then one day Jean is in the bathroom, and then the door opens, and it's Kim. And Kim just stops. Looks at him. Smirks a little. Then reaches behind himself and locks the door

And Jean feels FEAR

Kim never actually touches him. But it's very clear he's more than capable of following through on his threats.

Getting in his space and grabbing his chin to make sure Jean is Paying Attention

me: jean starts looking over his shoulder on his way home. one time Kim tails him just to fuck with him. jean thinks he loses him but when he gets onto his street kim is standing outside of his building, having his one cigarette

jean is stood frozen. Kim locks eyes with him as he puts out the cig on his boot. walks away

jean i think starts to try and play dirty as well but idk how he'd go about it. he's too... hm. stupid

rat: Yeah yeah yeah for sure like. He tries to "trick" Kim into a fight but Kim is five steps ahead at all times, he never takes the bait

And god help him if he tries to antagonize Harry to get to Kim

That's when Kim gets SERIOUS

That's when Kim finds him in a dark alley outside of work

Grabs a handful of his hair, smashes his face into a brick wall, puts him into a hammerlock hold

Whispers in his ear if he ever catches him trying that shit again, he's not getting a warning next time

me: I think it'd be hilarious if Jean tried to threaten suicide and it just. doesn't work. I think it'd make sense for him to bait kim like "okay well what if I killed myself and framed YOU for my MURDER" and Kim is like officer don't be dramatic get over yourself please

rat: Kim just staring at him like "Okay then. Do it. Right now."

Maybe Kim even hands over his gun

Jean trying to turn the tables by pointing it at Kim

Kim never flinches

"Go ahead. Pull the trigger. Unlike your idiotic plan, I'll be missed. And we both know Harry never stops."

me: I just think that scene in the alley could end up with Harry intuiting whats going on, that an officer is in danger, so he goes to stop it and- hey JEAN IS POINTING A GUN AT KIM??? AND KIM ISNT??? STOPPING HIM????

rat: HARRY PUTTING HIMSELF IN THE WAY OF THE GUN

Jean having to reconcile the fact that Harry is no longer his, insofar as he was before

me: after a tense second of not moving. jean actually considering doing it.

rat: GOD Jean being like I could just do it. Shoot him, maybe have time to reload and shoot myself after. That might be the only way to truly Hurt Kim

me: kim catches on to that. and for the first time he IS afraid

hes fine losing himself. but losing Harry? he couldn't bear it. he would sooner die

then. all at once. jean drops it

he can't do it. too much of a coward. "GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU!!" punches the wall etc. definitely crying. meanwhile kim GRABS Harry by the shoulders. he's shaking with fury and also something else. "what the FUCK are you thinking-" and Harry cuts him off with "what are YOU thinking? what the fuck was that? what HAPPENED to you?"

Harry means "you two" but kim feels that in his soul

they leave jean to talk after that. and that conversation is not a pretty one

smth smth "I was trying to protect you" "that was too far" "he went too far first. he was hurting you" "so your solution is to hurt him back?" "he wasn't going to STOP" "then let me deal with it!" etc etc

no idea what jean does from there. maybe he actually fucking thinks and reconsiders things and idk grows as a person

anyway after that we get the dinner from hell

harry invites them to a get-along dinner. christ

GOD. THE TENSEST DINNER EVER. TO RIVAL ANY FAMILY DINNER

im just imagining them trying to throttle each other on top of some takeout

harry is yelling TIMEOUT TIMEOUT

composure failure

rat: Harry like "can't we all just get along??" and Kim and Jean say NO at the same time

me: they both point at each other at the same time and go HE STARTED IT

harry actually passes an authority check and scolds them and they both realize how petty this is and its all very embarrassing and Harry is treating this very seriously. fully goes "do you have anything to say?" and they grumble sorry and he's like "not to me. to *each other*"

rat: He only passed Kim's authority because Kim hates seeing him sad

me: slow look at each other. jean holds out a hand. Kim grabs it so tight you hear joints snap.

they still hate each other so so much but Harry is Determined to make them friends

its like. harry is their get-along shirt

rat: Harry like the power of love and friendship will prevail and Kim tries he really does but every time he sees Jean he hears the Kill Bill sirens in his head

He makes an honest effort to threaten his life less but that's all he can manage

me: I do think this could get resolved eventually tho. like harry being put in some sort of crisis situation where his life is on the line or something

rat: Wouldn't it be funny if the situation was something Harry put himself in though

Like getting himself kidnapped by a gang

Like "wow this will really bring Jean and Kim together! ♡"

Meanwhile he's literally tied to a chair with his face bloody and nose broken

And Jean and Kim HAVE to team up. They can't take on a gang ALONE

Jean pretends not to care but he cares so much it makes him look stupid

If Harry actually dies what the fuck is he supposed to do

me: it works but not in the way he intended cause it actually touches on the heart of the conflict is that Jean wants to blame Harry for everything ever and also he does care so much it makes him look stupid so when they find out it was actually sort of on purpose they BOTH GET MAD AT HIM FOR THE SAME REASON

a horrible, deadly pact is formed. harry is now in grave danger

rat: Harry wanted them to be friends. And now, unfortunately, they are

He's never getting let out of their sight again

me: I like to think eventually they do chill out and become friends about it. like outside of all that. maybe jean finally gets over himself and Kim and Harry have a talk about being posessive- lol I'm just kidding those two are codependent to the fucking grave. but still I think they could end up being civil and the death threats just become banter

the competitive streak never dies tho. constantly trying to one-up each other. functional kismesistude

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[kindness-and-friends]

//a reminder to all underblogs: you can report and block anons. You still can't see who sent the asks but you can still report them for harrasment

Click the three dots above an anon message, and press report message. Click the something else and "im being harassed" (constant nsfw and sexual comments from the same anon can be considered harrasment, and a lot of sui bait is harrasment as well)

If we have another incident like the nsfw anon, you can click that button! If you block the anon it will remove all asks fron that anon out of your inbox

That is also a good way to see if it's many person being cruel and/or inappropriate, or if it's just one asshole

Yall probably already know this, but please just don't answer the asks and engage with them. Report, block, delete

Edit: By the way, sui bait is when you push and encourage someone to commit suicide. Due to me getting them at the beggining of this blog, I'll give ya some I got and some other examples

You should genuinely just kill yourself.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

“Just do it already!"

"Nobody cares about you. Just give up"

"Being blocked isnt enough, we need you dead."

And many more! Search up the term "suicide bait" if anything

[the-owl-tree]

I think Shadowsight’s story was more of a tragedy with him living because he never got actual closure for the shit he went thru. A half-assed “apology” from pretty much the whole damn forest except for his parents who wanted him punished for being manipulated and abused and some (Lionblaze) even wanting him dead iirc?? And he just? Clocked in to work the next day like nothing happened and kept being a medicine cat? He got the bad ending actually imo. I don’t like Shadowsight bc I’m tired of “the most specialist uwu sad softboi #8763” being churned out in the series but at least he’s compelling unlike Alderheart, Rootspring and Nightheart and his story is one most people wanted to see end well after all the horrific abuse he faced. But it didn’t? It felt… empty and mean spirited? Which isn’t new for the Erins but usually they do it to women so nobody gaf. Idk I just felt like especially the other medicine cats should have done more to atone for their cruelty. They’re all comrades under the same oath yet they were so fucking awful and treated him at best like a useless nuisance and at worst an enemy. Shadowsight literally ate deathberries out of desperation for an answer that would appease everyone and it’s so obviously a suicide attempt but brushed out to fit the narrative. He deserved better and it was genuinely disappointing that nothing else was done. “Oh Shadowsight, you ARE useful!! Yes you’re allowed to sit with us again. Huh? Apologize? For what” <- Mothwing probably

I feel like him going onto become a bg character with no baring on the main plot and his only acknowledgements are characters going "there's that dumbass who released cat satan" is just. not the plot I think people would have wanted from the guy who played TBC's punching bag for six books straight lol side note....i miss when side characters/bg characters got to have stories and tidbits. Mousewhisker having a crush on Minnowpaw...Spiderleg and Daisy's whole thing....we used to have interesting casts :(

I quite like Shadowsight, I think he stands out from the other examples by actually being strange and offputting. He does weird things and characters comment on his appearance and intimidating looks, makes me actually understand and empathize with his "outsider" status, ya know? Also thanks to osmosis from my mutuals he's a girl to me so there's that lol I think him being so put down by others (facing actual adversity) makes him interesting and my irritation with that comes from the story trying to "both sides" it rather than acknowledge the wider array of issues at hand. I don't think an apology is necessarily needed, I just kind of like narrative acknowledgement. But I'd need to reread TBC for a more succinct argument (i wanna reread tbc anyways, i just need time lol maybe when im bored on campus i'll do it)

I wouldn't call the deathberry thing a suicide attempt, though you could arguably make the interpretation that it is a cry for help in some regards; I think that just wasn't the authorial intent. I do agree he deserved better, it's a bit disappointing how we haven't gotten to see him more :( where is my Shadow and Frost bonding moments :(

[totentnz]

V, #14 😈

Dark OC Asks

14. What is your OC's "villain song"?

now there is at least two answers for this, i have many many thoughts on the topics and i hope i can get em all out lmao

IM BETTER

i LOVE a good joker arc, some defining moment in a characters life that just breaks or changes them in some way, this doesn't fully happen for v but she stands on the precipice plenty of times.

namely the vdb debacle and when she gains control of the blackwall via songbird. (there might be more but it's been a minute since i properly played)

now what do these two instances have in common? netrunning/ hacking. this song (and others like it) always get me thinking about v getting lost in the power she holds with her quickhacks.

a cyberdeck wasn't even her first choice, she wanted berserk in combination with gorilla arms but viktor refuses to install them for her. she could go to a different ripper to get them obviously but he's the only doc she trusts and who won't rat her out to the authorities for having cracked soft. (this explanation is a bit underbaked i will admit) she also knows he's lowkey right, she cannot be trusted with that kind of chrome.

now one could argue that being able to kill people via command does more damage than a pissed off ape but maybe she can control herself better than vik gives her credit for. or maybe he's not too familiar with netrunning/ hacking.

there is also the aspect of v knowing exactly what happens when she uses a hack, she wrote the code herself. (i'm not saying she invented them but they are her own versions, either written from scratch or modified some way)

my favourite example for this is the suicide quickhack: v takes control of the target for a few moments, she has to raise the gun, she has to pull the trigger, she has to leave the person's consciousness before they die but not too early or they will flinch away at the last moment. she doesn't die if she stays too long but the repercussions can be dire anyway: she passes out, there is psychological damage etc. if the target is right and she executes it well it can be pretty fun though, sort of like playing russian roulette but without dying.

but to get back on topic: i LOVE the mental image of her just standing in the middle of a bunch of enemies, activating overclock to wreak havoc on them AND herself.

i also enjoy copy-paste - she makes herself an easy target for another runner just to pull this out of her sleeve and fuck them over so much more, she simply IS better.

this mindset is also reflected in her aversion to chrome, she doesn't need it or rather she doesn't want it. she is better than them, she is built different. now that is simply not true, she can tell herself that lie as often as she likes but she needs cyberware to keep up. (i actually have a background story for this, maybe i will even write it one day)

so she slowly begins to betray herself: she replaces her glass eye with kiroshis, she installs extra ram, she gets the reinforced tendons. these changes come slowly and her body is still mostly ganic by the end of the game but in quiet moments she hates herself for caving in and for enjoying it.

ultimately: power corrupts, nobody is immune to that.

EAT THE CHILDREN

any otep song tbh, since it's the band i chose to use for rotten (her band) and v turns into the worst version of herself when she's on stage. it's one of the reasons she decided to end the band in the first place, though everyone involved just thinks she was being asshole (they ain't wrong)

her whole band era was a double edged sword, on one hand she finally had a voice and was adored by some but at the same time she had never been more miserable. their songs are filled with her traumas and that puts her back into a powerless position, add the adrenaline of being on stage and you get a truly volatile concoction.

[appleatcha]

Its been very, very rough. I can't bring myself to be open with the one or two people I speak to about how bad it is. If you speak to me regularly and see this, well here's my admission of guilt. I'm doing way worse than I let on.

Almost every day for a week now I write messages and record audio messages of me talking about how im really doing. But then I just delete them. I don't see a point in sending them. I feel like it would just feed into my anxiety and stress more.

I've cried at work every day this week. Over stress of life. My son struggling, myself struggling, the house being messy, the cats, it all. My main concern is my son obviously. I put spending time with him and making sure he's taken care of before anything else. But I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm constantly rushing all day. Except at work. At work I sit with nothing to do most of the time right now, and im left to sit and marinate on everything.

My brain is so stress-logged that I've made dumb mistakes at work, forgot to take the trash out for garbage pickup, left my water on top of the car today and ended up breaking my cup when it was launched off my car when I moved, forgot my sons bookbag at home and was nearly late for work rushing to get it to him.

If I let myself think about it, I crumble. And nobody wants to hear it. My friends who grew up with my husband and me aren't close enough to me to care. My husband's close friend just says "I wish i knew what to say".

The place my husband worked and died is right behind the Walmart where we live now. My son and i stopped and went inside the gas station beside it yesterday. The only time I'd been In there was with my husband. When we got back in the car I started to cry.

I feel like people think I should be angry and hateful and not care about him anymore. And I am angry. I do have days I think "fuck you". But its just not that easy. I loved him and I have no clue what was really going on in his mind. I can guess and have feelings but I just will never know.

In a recent video, Peter Monn was talking about addiction and helping people through it and he said "love isn't enough. If love was enough, there wouldn't be 12 step programs or detox programs or suboxone". And something about it just clicked in my head. And I think of my husband saying "this isn't worth being sober". Maybe what he was meaning to say was "love isn't enough."

I'll never know. I don't know if ill ever be able to open my heart to another relationship ever again. Part of me is desperate for it, part of me is desperate to stay away forever.

But the main thing is that my mental health is not great. It's not even this grand loud, chaotic energetic bad like it usually is. I'm not having full on panic attacks, telling my friends about what I'm feeling. It's a silent, calm drowning. Which I can't say I've ever experienced.

I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I could never do that to my son. I want to keep going. It's just really fucking rough. And I don't think people who are getting upset at me not responding or being active really grasp that. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but its such a hard and treacherous path to that light. In my worst moments, I fear there is no light. That its all just ruined. But right now, I don't think that's true.

Its hard to imagine that January or even May were the same year as today. January, celebrating my one year marriage anniversary, working as a housekeeper. March, a housewife knowing something was up with my husband but not knowing what. August, an unemployed widow unsure of what happened, and December, a working single mom who happens to have been widowed, with more answers but also more questions now than I did the day he died.

Trying to take it moment by moment

[twigs-sprigs]

Two things for the PA AU!

1: pls tell us how Kai unknowingly used Lloyd’s power when he was evil!

2: what was the sacrifice Lloyd made to show he really cared about the team?!

ALRIGHT SO! this au is ON THE BRAIN  and kai (@shadesofvermillionvoid) helped me make some answers to your questions ! (as you know i still suck at explaining DBJWKWD)

before we go, this one needs a few trigger warnings

(TW: supplements/ drug use, experimentation, implied suicide (nobody actually dies, no worries)

alright, we good?

prepare for like an ESSAY KDJWJKWD

1. okokokook ok!!! i'm. im SURPRISED i havent talked about lloyd/gb's power here on tumblr, cause it's such a big part of his story, and why he does what he does. so consider this an important lore dump

so, when garmadon (who, was actually possessed by the overlord the whole time, it wasn't. actually garmadon) and his group were still running the show, back when lloyd was really young. experiments were conducted on the child, leading garm/the overlord to discover that lloyd contained raw power, that could be exploited for his gain.

the power of energy, in this au, is i think a little stronger than in canon ninjago, as in, yeah, it can stand on its own just like in the show, can be used to blast things, to form energy shields and whatnot, and still has access to all the four other elements of creation. BUT it can ALSO regenerate itself, as in if some of lloyds power is taken, it will come back eventually. and it can ALSO be used as a performance enhancer and/or fuel for battery for tech... and people.

SO, with that in mind, the overlord, in garm's body, started taking energy from the child, with painful extraction tech that would sometimes leave lloyd on bedrest for weeks. the first of hundreds of these extractions is what caused the explosion that took lloyd's arm away in the first place.

they'd use the energy filled batteries (which kind of just look like some little glass bottles with glowy stuff in it) to power weapons (you saw kai's sword in the kai ref), machines, vehicles, etc etc. and would also sell them to other parties who were somewhat involved with the group. to use for the same thing and/or performance enhancers for battle.

and...well... to answer your question. kai used to buy said energy bottles. unknowing that they came from the same child that he saw just a while prior. see in his sword and also the reason his fire was blue, and stronger, when he was evil.

and, this all actually keeps going well after lloyd is aged up and he becomes "the green bandit". he keeps giving his power for his gang, because harumi says he should, and he trusts her. so he does.

kai, of course stops taking the energy and using it for his sword and gets to more old school type katanas and such when he starts doing hero work, he only finds out where the energy bottles came from well after zane infiltrates gb's operation. and he is. absolutely mortified.

this is all part of why lloyd depends on his power so much, and why he freaked out when zane blocked it out for the team's safety. he has to be of use, what is he without his power, really?

hope that answers your first question :)

____________________________

2. so, for the "final battle" (it's. not really the final one, me and kai are actually planning a continuation for this au), harumi prepares a giant mech, ready to take on the surface world and make it hers.

whats her plan? to find gb, he'll come out from wherever he's hiding eventually, and use HIM to power up the mech even more, give it such a huge boost that she'll be unstoppable. so her and her newfound gang will rule the underground AND the surface. the mech is specifically designed with like a human-sized tube to stick gb in and actively extract his power from him.

SO ! our heroes go against her! she starts attacking the city and the battle ensues. gb said.. he didn't want to go with them, that he can't face harumi again, he wasn't ready for that.

but that was a lie.

at one point kai is cornered by harumi's huge mech, on top of a building, about to be seriously injured, even killed, unable to get away. but right in that moment where harumi is about to DESTROY KAI... gb shows up and saves him, blasts the mech and makes it fall back for a bit.

gb helps kai up, but then GRABS him by his shirt, holding him up right on top of a huge fall off the building, right on the ledge.

kai thinks this is it. he's being betrayed. he couldn't help gb, he yells out "I thought we were friends!", without really thinking.

gb... almost... almost smiles at him, and says "...We are. And, that is why I need to do this." and he throws kai down to where the others are fighting harumi's goons and keeping civilians safe. he's caught by cole but he's FREAKING OUT.

gb fights harumi and her mech on his own.

this is perfect for harumi's plan. this is JUST what she wanted.

she ends up catching him after a bit, like a little insect. and forces him into the tube i was talking about earlier.

but gb is not stupid, far from, he wouldn't go head first into such an unfair battle if he didn't have a plan. he knew harumi would come look for him, so he decided to give her what she wants, power.

when he's forced into the mech, and the power extraction begins, he also starts PUSHING OUT as much power as he physically can, his scar spreading all over his body because of the stress he's putting himself under.. like his body can't TAKE it. he OVERLOADS the mech with power, so much so that...

well.. it explodes.

with him in there.

____________________________

ALRIGHT that's both those questions! thank you so much for sending the ask KJDWJDW im so glad people are enjoying this au as much as me and kai are. and we wanna make even more for it

AS ALWAYS if you have any questions about this au, either from this post, past ones, or the aftermath of what i just explained, send them my or @shadesofvermillionvoid 's way!! we LOVE talking about it. it is so much fun.

HOPE I DIDNT OVERLOAD YOU WITH INFO LIKE LLOYD OVERLOADED THAT MECH THO, AHAHA

[yanderu-deredere]

UM so like, ive been feeling really shittt? and i was wondering which of the yanderes would be good at dealing with a depressed or suicidal so?

a/n: yooo im so sorry it took me forever to answer this ask but i hope you're feeling better! and, if you're not, have these lovely yanderes to help! also, i placed it under the cut just because of the warnings so heed the warnings and lets get started!

warnings: mentions of gender dysphoria, mentions of sucidal thoughts and ideations, mentions of depression, mentions of conservative opinion/thoughts, mentions of suicide attempts

gawain dubhán byrne ★ profile

Gawain knew exactly how that felt. In fact, he’d been in the same position as you. There was a time where he was in the wrong body and it made him want to tear himself apart. He dreaded waking up in the morning, all he wanted to do was fall asleep and just never have to deal with anything ever again.

That being said, because of his unique circumstance, he knew kind of what to do. He’d been to therapists and doctors, he knew the breathing techniques and the journaling methods, he knew kind of how to talk you through depressive episodes; he’d take care of you as best as he can.

Actually, Gawain would be the type to take care of you even to the detriment of his own mental health. 

If he hasn’t kidnapped you and trapped you in his expensive penthouse, he definitely would now. He has no choice. He couldn't risk leaving you to your own devices! Nobody knew better than him that you can’t fix mentally ill people immediately. A lot of suicides are impulsive.

So, he'd need to trap you in his house. He’d call his brother over if he needs someone to babysit you but, basically, until he deems you well enough to be left alone, the two of you are attached at the hip. He would totally spoon feed you, he’d bathe you, he’d tuck you in; literally becomes an annoying caregiving leech.

Part of it is because he’s overprotective and wants to take care of you. The other part of it is that he wanted someone to do that for him when he was depressed and suicidal. He wanted someone to sweep him of his feet, to take care of him so he didn’t have to think about anything else; someone that would just hug him and hold him and coddle him.

So, now, that’s who he is to you. And, if you don’t like it, well… Gawain thinks you’re too depressed and suicidal to really decide anything for yourself.

fujio watanabe ★ profile

Not to burst your bubble but oh my god, Fujio is definitely the type of person to be like Depressed? The fuck? Just go get a job or something, being depressed is for people who have too much time on their hands.

It really is unfortunate but Fujio isn’t going to take you seriously until he has to. 

This means he’ll brush you off until you try to kill yourself, you start hurting yourself physically, you start wasting away because you’re not taking care of yourself, etc. When your health starts being threatened in one way or another, Fujio will explode.

He’s always had a volatile temper and it’s ten times as worse when it comes to his precious darling. Nobody can hurt you, not even yourself.

So, then, he starts talking to people. Not professionals, unfortunately, but like people he knows at work or his boss or people he trains with. It’ll be super stupid, like he just comes out and says it, rolling his eyes like Can you believe this? Being suicidal? Depression? What a load of bullshit, amirite?

Except he’s not right and a lot of people in Lovelock, city notorious for its seedy underbelly, knows it. A lot of people Fujio works with used to be kids that wanted to die rather than continue living their terrible lives with abusive families or with no food on the table. Fujio would definitely be put in his place.

Then he finally understands. He finally realises that this is something he could lose you over. For Fujio, he’d be the type to immediately kidnap his darling so he doubles up on security. He baby proofs your room and you’re not allowed to go outside unless he’s there. 

Before, you kind of just had free reign and he let you do whatever as long as you let him know. Now, privileges are revoked. Not because it’s a punishment but because he’s worried you’ll end up hurting yourself.

He’d also be way nicer and gentler to you. It would surprise him since the main reason he ended up falling in love with you was because he felt like he didn’t need to walk on eggshells around you. But, instead of falling out of love, you encourage this weird feeling of overprotectiveness. All he wants to do now is take care of you.

ayaka yamato ★ profile

What do you mean you want to die? 

Ayaka wouldn’t be able to understand. Of course she wouldn’t. She’s lived a privileged life where, though her father’s a piece of shit, she’s had everything pretty much handed to her for free. Most people either always want to say yes to her or aren’t able to say no. What more could a lady want?

So, if she finds out that you’re depressed or suicidal, she’d panic a little. You’d think she’d be really conservative about it since she grew up in a conservative household. Something along the lines of you’re not depressed, you’re just being a snowflake. 

However, that’s actually the opposite case. Ayaka has never met anyone that’s made her feel the same way you make her feel and, if she has to believe you and do something about it, she will. Anything to keep you by her side.

She just doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about at first. So, to learn, she’ll consult her tutor, a doctor, anybody she can find; she’ll learn exactly what she’s supposed to do here, what you need, what she needs to force you to do or what she needs to let you do by yourself.

Surprisingly, for someone who’s never had to lift a single finger her entire life, Ayaka can be relentless and resourceful when she wants to be. She low-key dumps money on the problem which, most of the time, can be a bad idea.

However, with Ayaka, she throws money at the problem with all the love in her heart. She gets you the best therapist money can buy, she makes sure to take you to different places if need be or stay with you in your room if going outside is too much. She makes sure to find out exactly why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and she’ll put a stop to anything threatening your mental health.

(The one thing she won’t stop is bullying you but she definitely controls her tone in a way that makes it clear to you that she’s joking or teasing you. And, if you voice that you didn’t like something she said, unlike a normal darling, she’d definitely apologise and avoid saying it again in the future)

liam anthony arieh ★ profile

Liam is like a mix of Gawain and Fujio. Part of him is like Depression? Aren’t you being a special snowflake? But also part of him is like oh no, I was severely depressed and suicidal once! 

That first part of him comes from the fact that he had nobody to help him when he was depressed. When he wanted to die, the only thing stopping him was the fact that every single time he tried, he ended up in the hospital instead of in the morgue. It took him going through several attempts before he finally got a grip of himself and stopped.

It definitely took him a while to work through his depression and, even now, he sometimes makes suicidal jokes about how funny it would be if he blew his brains out with a gun or if he overdosed, etc. But he doesn’t want to seriously die now and he’s definitely far from depressed.

So, part of him expects you to go through that as well. Part of him thinks that the reason you’re depressed and suicidal is because you’re weak and you just need to get stronger.

However, the other part of him acknowledges that you’re weak. If you’re his darling, most likely the reason why you’ve piqued his interest is because, in his eyes, you are pure and innocent. In his eyes, you needed him to protect you from other people that wanted to do to you the same things he did but for the wrong reasons. 

In any case, his solution is surprisingly not to lock you up (if you aren’t already). He’ll definitely start stalking you hard or assigning employees to start trailing you and making sure you’re okay on days he’s not able to do so himself. He also tries to find a therapist but, specifically, a therapist that doesn’t mind breaking patient privilege. 

He needs control. He needs to be able to manouver you in the exact way he wants and depression? Depression makes you unpredictable. Depression makes it possible for you to be hurt by the one person he can’t completely protect you from: yourself.And he’d be damned if he lets anyone, especially yourself, take away the one good thing in Lovelock.

[420weedwhacker69]

if I succeed and I never answer another dm or ask again I want all of you guys to know that I love you so much and Im grateful for the time we did spend together. I've only had tumblr for about a year but I've made a lot of great friends and memories in that year and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. everything I've gone through with khris, alaiah, costco, xai, peenicks, casey, tulio, boedi, everybody, I would repeat it all over again and maybe we'll see each other again in some next life but I've gone through enough pain for this one and I have to let it go. I'm sorry. I know it'll make some people sad but nobody understands the depth of this agony I'm in. none of you know how right this is for me. im not sure how those surveys work but if I somehow end up being counted in one of those trans suicide stat things please don't let me be a number. when I got older I wanted to open up a homeless shelter for trans people, write some stories for people in my situation to feel seen and enjoy, etc., but if this works and I'm free I wont be able to anymore so please don't let these past few years I've spent trying to survive and work toward that go to waste, continue the legacy I tried to start and don't let me be another number to use in a petty internet argument

again I love you all and I'm sorry but its what I feel is right and what I have to do. there might be a few more posts and reblogs after this but once I go home I'm gonna try my best to make sure it kills me and after that I'll just be a fond memory. ❤