nightmaredxydreams - Tumblr blog

[nightmaredxydreams]

[nightmaredxydreams]

i don’t fucking know how to communicate that i’m feeling neglected and unloved and like i’m the second favorite. like how do you say that without wanting to fucking die.

[nightmaredxydreams]

[nightmaredxydreams]

[nightmaredxydreams]

any lastborn children here who have been sexually abused? im suffering severe denial rn bc i never see lastborn sexual abuse survivors, most of them ive seen talk about having younger siblings (i also have trauma around bring the youngest, i hated myself for being the youngest for reasons i didnt really know why and now i hate myself for being the youngest bc all csa victims on the internet seem to be firstborn or older siblings) im on the verge of sui rn so any validation is appreciated.

[nightmaredxydreams]

im disgusting!!!

im dirty!!!

im a predator im a predator im a predator

i was born a slut

i wanna cut myself all over!!!

im a slut im a slut im a slut!!!

i am untouchable and fucking ugly because im so fucking dirty and disgusting

theres no way someone would show my body love by breaking its safety walls and violating it just to show me how much they love it and desire it no i am undeserving of love i am undeserving of my boundaries being broken to show love for my body

if i was a victim i wouldnt see that as love id be disgusted by it and disgusted with myself because it happened

im a fucking impostor im a fucking impostor im a fucking ass impostor!!!

im not real!!!

i wanna strangle myself i wanna slice my legs and wrists in half i wanna break all my bones i wanna hang myself i wanna stomp and spit on my fucking grave if im innocent and human enough to die

i wanna kill myself!!! and nobodys gonna stop me!!!

[nightmaredxydreams]

i hate this. i fucking hate how my trauma, if i really even have any at this point, made me feel.

three and sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends like a fucking born predator instead of myself like a real innocent victim

four and having fucking bodily function fetishes yet being too dumb and retarded to be potty trained

five and having fucking attraction to my alleged sexual abuser and just about anyone else especially females

six and chasing boys in the playground to fucking kiss them like some predator slut

seven and obsessed with having realistic sex with dolls in bed

eight and pretending im pregnant in pretend play

nine and finally being the valid innocent sex repulsed victim... but only for about a year.

ten and relapsing into being a slut again big time and more lesbian than ever

eleven and having the kinks unravel all over again...

twelve and having fetishes for injury and being sick with viruses

thirteen and wanting to be a stripper

fourteen and being a bisexual slut

fifteen and having unhealthy relationships with men where i was groomed but i fucking opened up the door to it and its my fault

sixteen and wanting to fuck or marry every man just to feel like i matter and be better than my able bodied peers

seventeen and going back to drawing porn as a coping mechanism if i even really went through sexual trauma

eighteen and sneaking porn.

nineteen and finding ways to release the sexual tension without anyone knowing all these years later

twenty and feeling like i made it all up just because most of my sexual abusers are female and desperately wanting to be a valid victim

twenty one and realizing i better have sexual trauma or else i fetishized sexual abuse and rape when i was a child for no reason and im a disgusting human being who needs to be sexually abused or else im born broken and worthless

twenty two and crashing in addictive sexual behavior, invalidity, self hate, body image, self harm and suicidal thoughts

why do i wanna be a victim? why am i jealous of real victims? why do i wanna have it happen again, just to have it happen again and act violently when i get sexually assaulted again like i wanted? why do i have these fucking nasty kinks that make me a horrible disgusting person? why am i so broken. i know nothing happened to me or else i wouldnt feel this way. i was born a slut.

im not gonna make it much longer like this.

[nightmaredxydreams]

i want someone to hurt me i want someone to be gentle with me i want someone to degrade me i want someone to praise me i want someone to hold me i want people to stop touching me i want to be fucked i want to be loved i want to be left alone i want to be saved i need to be saved i want to be special i want to hurt myself i want to be hurt i want to be destroyed i want to be safe i want to be in danger i want to be dangerous i want to kill i want to be killed i want to be hit i want to be cut i want to explode i want to be okay i want to be okay

[nightmaredxydreams]

exactly. my abuser who fucked me up forever was a year younger than me.

"they're a minor" "they're just a kid" being a minor isn't an excuse to abuse and traumatize people, dumbass. you're too focused on the fact that they're a kid and not holding them accountable instead of paying attention to the person who they hurt.

minors are just as capable of abusing other minors and even adults like anyone else. but this shit is always glossed over because "they're just a kid"

and just because someone is older doesn't mean that they're not capable of being abused by someone younger.

[nightmaredxydreams]

and every single person i look up to, i wonder how disgusted they would be if they knew, if they knew the things that were done to me and the things i did to survive, i wonder how much they’d hate me if they knew. if they could see my rotting insides, the bugs that eat away at my eyes until everything is dark dark dark. i wonder if they’d wish i’d never been born too.

[nightmaredxydreams]

all the time...

true story: i was listening to a song about roller skating (something i cant do bc the body is disabled) and felt bad i couldn't and hated myself bc i was disabled, then my brain just busted the Intrusive Thoughts Door ™ down and said "your body is too disabled to be really sexually abused you deserved what happened to you" and i had a full breakdown about thinking i deserved csa bc im disabled

Anyone else have a breakdown about something that doesn’t have to do with CSA but then the breakdown morphs into a breakdown about what happened to you?

[nightmaredxydreams]

i relate. i feel like im a predator when i just look a small child in the eyes or say "hi" to a teen or hug a man

we don't talk about that side of csa trauma of where you are so scared of being a predator everytime you have any type of sex

like i think it is because of how much csa victims are villanize, because if you mention to somebody that someone had any type of sa or csa they inmedietly think "they are going to repeat the cycle"

i thought of this bcs i was again flirting with somebody and my first thought was "omg what if I'M A PREDATOR????" even tho the person is my same age and following with me along and saying they consent to go to the next level like damn💀 internize victim blaming is crazyyyy fr

[nightmaredxydreams]

surviving csa is constantly learning different ways of how you were betrayed & violated

like having a casual conversation and someone says something that makes you go "wait... that's not okay???" and then you have flashbacks for the next 3-5 business days

what do you MEAN this normal and common occurance in my childhood was actually a severe crime?? why are my friends more upset about it than me???

nemesis out

[nightmaredxydreams]

my inner child is crying and begging for someone to notice and care while my inner teen is screaming and angry at the world for what happened to her

[nightmaredxydreams]

are you ok?

thanks for asking. nah, we're not. its been a horrible month, a rough four months tbh, we've been barely getting by mentally and emotionally. we're working on healthy coping mechanisms in therapy and making some progress, thats good

so yeah we're... physically okay but mentally we're barely hanging on.

[nightmaredxydreams]

we've been seeing transramcoa shit and we need to make a public vent about it so people who identify as transramcoa or are considering it won't.

major tw. this goes into detail about csa, deeply.

ok so, im the host. i never knew i went through ramcoa until about a couple years ago, even with clues and shit. i only found out after i met someone else who did and i could relate to their story. so i did research on ramcoa and yep, i fit it in just about every way possible. i literally checked off every box on some list of signs youre a ramcoa survivor. then i realized... i had been programmed for whatever reaction the handler wanted, whatever they wanted me to do, i felt like i was a game and they were the player. i was always told "youre so naive and dumb" and finding out i was a ramcoa survivor made me feel even more naive and dumb. like i was to blame. i felt like if i wasnt so naive and dumb, i wouldnt have been programmed. and the more i found out about ramcoa, the more i discovered the programmed alters. and thats when the persecutory voice in my head got worse. i felt like i was faking ramcoa, faking DID and faking trauma entirely. i felt like i wanted it to be cool or as an excuse for me being "born broken and worthless" with all my trauma responses i didnt even remember the trauma to have. my mental health tanked severely. i was covered in cuts, suicidal, attempted many times, and was reaching out for validation in places i shouldnt have. i drove friends away who couldnt deal with my constant heavy venting. i felt like i was faking or had too much baggage to deserve a friend. i felt like i deserved ramcoa when i believed it happened to me. i became more insecure about my body (this went with the denial- id think i was too ugly to be sex trafficked and i thought i made it all up to be "cool" and "not a virgin" since the body is disabled and cant really have sex) and more hypersexual than ever. when i found out i survived ramcoa, i either felt like it didn't really happen to me and like i was faking or i deserved it when i thought it happened. most of the time i thought it didnt, because your brain doesnt want you to know you have that trauma especially if you have DID. your brain doesnt even want you to know you have DID. if you are a real ramcoa survivor you will feel severe denial it happened and... broken for no reason. like you never went through anything severe so why are you this way? then you deal with the realization it happened and you feel used, dirty, dumb, like a game or a robot, not a real human. trust me, you dont want to be a ramcoa survivor. is that not enough for you? well heres more on how the sex trafficking affected my body and relationships...

i was hypersexual ever since i can remember. i was a three year old child and acting out sexual touching with dolls and imaginary friends. i was only three years old and had shame that i did it, even though nobody knew i did it. i was so developmentally disabled i couldnt put real sentences together or communicate, yet i felt shame for sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends. living my life not knowing i was sexually abused and asked how i discovered my sexuality, i answered with "ive always liked girls sexually ever since i could remember" and had to have it pointed out to me thats not normal and its a sign of sexual abuse. i always thought it was a normal kid thing to be sexual that little. wanting answers as to who violated me when i was so little, i asked the people who lived with me at the time who answered with "maybe it was your step grandfather. you were never alone alone with him so it had to have been brief touches that were a second" when im alone in almost all my memories from when i was little. after getting told "well its maaayyybe him but it cooouuuld be your cousin since she sexually abused you when you were older" and relying completely on external validation to validate what was on my inside, i flip flopped around with it and some people thought my inconsistency about trauma was me lying when i truly didnt know what happened. i lost friends and was doubted by people when i was desperately seeking validation. now to what it did to my body...

i have bladder issues from being sexually touched causing me to have utis. i have uti like pain almost every time i pee. ive been raped with plastic (almost sharp) objects and feel sharp pains in my somatic flashbacks to being raped. i will literally be doing nothing and boom, i feel a sharp pain down there. my vagina rejects tampons or really anything that goes inside it. i feel like someone stuck something up my ass every time i get done taking a shit. i have sudden nausea that doesnt feel like it belongs to me out of nowhere. i have been fucked so much my body is fucked up too. i want hugs, i love affection and it makes me feel important and safe, but i feel like my body is too violated to be loved and i get anyone who touches me dirty and they should feel ashamed for hugging me and i should feel ashamed for letting them.

you don't want this severe mental pain. you dont wanna be like me. you don't want this life. and if you do, you're fucking sick. fuck you.

[nightmaredxydreams]

how to feel like your trauma is real and actually happened to u without it feeling like ur lying any time u speak or think abt it

...

no borax no glue