#nor how it ends it is about the journey and the friends we made along the way (HELP)

[revoevokukil]

*That* Apology

My friend @dragonfly255 made a point that compels me: when Ciri apologized to Crevan in that elven courtyard, she saved her ass from his laboratory.

I always found it fascinating that Ciri apologized. Not least because letting loose on the people with whom she has a bone to pick is standard fare for her temperamental self, and she has more than enough cause. Mostly though, it’s because her apologizing to an adult - one several times over at that - is mature beyond anything anyone would expect of a 16-year old traumatized young woman. There is so much more going on in her “offer” besides, given the context and the tatters of her psyche, but the point first.

Avallac’h is what you would call a rogacz in Polish - a stag, a horned one (someone to whom “horns were made” by an unfaithful wife or lover); a cuckold in English - and Ciri noted Lara as his weakness earlier in the chapter. She presses on his wound knowingly. She wants to hurt with this. By saying what she says, it’s as if she is taking another little vengeance for the hurt, shame, and humiliation she has and is made to feel. And then she is confronted with exactly the same emotions in her captor.

Hurt, shame, humiliation, anger, desire: for vengeance, for settling of accounts, for that something which is missing.

Ever since the end of the Tower of the Swallow, Ciri has tried to hold back from unrestrained vengeance, and she is proud of herself, however small the progress. That lump in her throat. It’s doubtless painful to hear all this being said about you by your sole “friend” in this world (note how Auberon later calls himself Ciri’s only friend instead), but different forces may be acting upon her, ranging from sympathy to fear and dependence to romanticizing someone’s heartbreak and! the love they must be capable of feeling by implication. Ciri is young and fond of dime novel romances. Constantly bereft of safety, love, and belonging, and no longer unwise in heartbreak. What must it be like to be loved the way Avallac’h loved “his” Lara?

But there’s more, and I think that might be the most important: the awakening of humanism.

In an important sense, Ciri’s sympathy toward Avallac’h’s suffering is an example of the grail knight’s kindness which heals the Fisher King. Sapkowski seems partial to Wolfram von Eschenbach’s retelling of the Grail myth: the power of the Grail in Parzival which heals the Waste Land in the human heart is unleashed through compassion.

An apology is something Avallac’h likely never heard from Lara (nor Cragen). It brings the first bit of spring, the first bit of new life and light, to the Waste Land that is Crevan’s heart.

Again, Ciri does something nobody would expect of her; not even Avallac’h. Avallac’h has just pinned her for Cregennan’s successor and, in the heat of the moment, may be reconsidering his opposition to having Lara’s daughter brought into his laboratory. Ciri realises how precisely she “doesn’t know what she is talking about” as the pinchers close around her neck: she is walking on a knife’s edge with Avallac’h; his love runs as deep as his hate. But Ciri surprises: she asks for forgiveness from the one who is wronging her. And hope springs.

The journey to transcending your own damaged being thanks to compassion toward others forms the heartwood of the Witcher tale. It’s what keeps evil at bay. It can fail, but it’s what’s needed: heart. Being human is important. It’s about looking for the Grail within. Compassion toward the other ignites compassion toward the self, and vice versa. By healing we heal, and healing, we learn how to heal. Ciri has, in babysteps, been on a journey of abandoning the path of vengeance. She is young. She is growing. She springs.

The other side of this coin?

By apologizing, Ciri may have not only saved her ass from the elven laboratory but also pushed Avallac’h toward arranging or letting pass Auberon’s demise and made him not interfere with Ciri’s escape (aiding it along, in fact, by one argument). Spring brings thaw, but thaw in a heart set in its ways reveals chaos.

Avallac’h suffers from unresolved romantic attachment, guilt, and lack of closure. In his relations with Ciri, he could solve himself and his failures of the past in multiple ways. The problem is that by default it would involve exerting control over another’s fate for his own sake, which disqualifies you from finding the Grail (within), unless the other party meets you halfway.

One of the judgements that The Witcher passes is that you should not seize the reins of someone else’s fate against their wishes, and Crevan’s character, I’ve come to think, revolves hugely around the obsessive need for such control.

As a prescient character, he is ideally suited for dissecting such questions. He has the means for more control than pretty much anyone else, but control has also eluded him big time. It has shaped his personal tragedy, because control manifests as part of love too. Despite all nobility in desiring to keep the person you care for safe, by the time of the books, Avallac’h’s inability or refusal to let go of Lara is for his own sake not hers. And it stems, among else, from a sense of failure to control fate.

(It is funny that despite coming across as the most credible chess master in the tale, Avallac’h has trouble with controlling himself; he can be impetuous, petty, and volatile underneath that veneer of acerbic cool.)

We can assume Avallac’h did not initially care about keeping Ciri safe because she remained not wholly known him, and because the last time he had tried it had ended in tragedy. Lara’s downfall and demise could not be prevented. So Crevan does not do much (to our knowledge) to protect Ciri up until her reaching the Tower of the Swallow because she remains an unproven quantity and because by intervening he can lock them in a path to a kind of future that will prevent a long-term positive outcome or make things worse in another way.

It’s only once he is surprised by Ciri’s behaviour toward him in the courtyard that the hope of change really emerges. If the story continues and his and Ciri’s paths will cross again (as in the games), the hope is that as a result of Ciri’s kindness he will do something differently. The tragedy is that he might not.

[ellestra]

Not the end of the story

I went to the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 the first night it was on because I was dreading the deaths it could bring so much I knew I couldn’t stay unspoiled if I didn’t. The speculations who will die in this one have been rampant for years. We know Gunn loves to kill off characters and of the starting team neither Groot nor Gamora are the ones we met in the first movie. Rocket was obviously the main suspect and since both Dave Bautista and Zoe Saldana said they are not planning to come back their characters were also likely to die. My longstanding fear was that Nebula would be sacrificed because her revenge and her redemption stories are done and that usually means there is nowhere for a character to go but death.

But this not that kind of movie so we see so many other options for these people to grow. Redemption doesn't have to be the end of the story. It doesn't need to end with death. There is life beyond that.

Sure, there are still big fights and even bigger explosions and there is a lot of death but for the main characters we’ve been following all this time it’s only about connections they built with each other and the connections they share with people they come from. The families they reconnect with and those they found along the way. And second chances that got them there. And sharing that option of second chance with whoever is willing to take it. Even if it sometimes take a long and roundabout way for them to take it.

I’ve said here before that MCU is strongest when it plays on the relationships we built with the characters along the way. When it makes us connect with the characters emotionally and then makes us follow their journey to grow. When it remembers their emotional history so we connect with both who they were and how far they’ve come. And when it’s done well like in this film it is so beautiful.

GotG does it best because it finds the perfect balance between saving that one friend we all love and saving everyone (and I mean everyone they are able to – they even save the animals and abalisks like the big, damn heroes they are). They even give second chance to Adam Warlock who tried to kill them and some High Evolutionary goons who have enough sense not to try. The whole movie is about empathy and compassion over perfection and utility. The people like Hight Evolutionary who only care about the latter see other as tools but the former is what makes you stronger because we are all stronger together. Even the monsters and weird misshapen creatures.

My only small gripe was how callously the Counter-Earth inhabitants are disposed of since we are so preoccupied with other storylines – Gamora saving Rocket, Adam trying to save Ayesha, High Evolutionary ship leaving – that there isn’t time to think of all of them dying. I know High Evolutionary was going to destroy Counter-Earth anyway – he just waited to spring the trap – but it hurt to see all those people including that nice Bat family die right after Peter said how not perfect that word is. It’s like he wanted Peter to feel bad about it but it’s never really followed up on.

This ability to connect with others is why Mantis is the most powerful of them all. She sees what others need and why they are needed. She helps Peter understand he needs to reconnect with his grandfather and his roots on Earth and heal some of his pain. He didn’t lose everyone he loved – he still has time. And she makes Nebula look beyond the superficial to see that everyone matters. Even if your family drives you nuts sometimes when there is love they all matter and have a place.

We see that building connection with people is really Peter’s superpower too. It made him a good conman but it’s also what allows him to save his friends and galaxy without killing people. He convinces others to help. It was really nice to be reminded he too is hyper-competent at what he does. Just like Rocket is at building tech Peter is at this whole thing of finding ways of in and out of both places and people. This is why his plans work so well. Unless, he’s overwhelmed by his own emotions. He still doesn’t deal well with them but that’s what he has friends for – both Nebula and Mantis help him through the worst of it.

Learning to connect to others in ways that are not build on pain and fear has been a big part of Nebula’s journey in MCU – from embracing Gamora through friendship with Tony and Avengers to becoming a Guardian of the Galaxy. We see how Nebula really comes to her own when she cares for others. She is the one who ends up running Knowhere long before the ending. She is the one who defends it. Look at her when she put on her wings to fight and actually defeat Adam Warlock. Look at her finding the information on what Rocket needs and putting the team together to find a way to cure him. And finally shed the last of the toxic thinking Thanos taught her to see who Drax really needs to be – a dad.

She even arranges for both Peter and Gamora to finally confront the ghost that’s been haunting both of them and find peace in knowing that what was, was beautiful but it doesn’t exist any more.

I know for most people the main relationship that drives this group are that of Peter and Gamora and Rocket with family but my favourite is the relationship of Gamora and Nebula. I’ve said it before I wanted more of the sisters’ relationship that isn’t tinged by hurt and distrust. Especially now, after they saved each other (with Gamora saving Nebula from Thanos and Nebula returning the favour and Nebula even killed herself to save her, well a version of herself, but still). Seeing them being there for each other despite being on such a different stages of their healing was great because it’s a lot of what we missed between GotG Vol.2 and Infinity War.

And, of course, Drax connects with the kids and saves them. It’s a perfect pay-off to a man who lost his family to another maniac convinced his pursuit of perfection needs to be paved with other people’s lives. It gives him opportunity to become dad once again. And to become the person who dances. In MCU full of dads who suck he is the best dad.

Groot has grown up with them all and they are the family that he will forever love and one that taught him to give second chances to people. Even the people who try to kill you because they may end up being the ones who save you. This is how they got Nebua when he was little. This is how he got Adam Warlock.

Even Kraglin and Cosmo got find their heroic selves with connection to each other and with help of others. Kraglin remembers the lessons from Yondu and is saved by Cosmo. Cosmo holds on with help from Mantis. They both reach their potential because they have others to help them.

And the whole movie is about Rocket connecting with people through different stages of his life and how much it hurts to lose them but also how beautiful it was to have them in his life. How much they made that life worth living. And how those connections saved his life and allowed him to save lives. He can lead people because he is able to care about people. Because he allows himself to care and be cared for.

I loved how they finally got to the moment their scars healed enough that they no longer need to cling to each other and explore the lives they want to live. Lives that aren’t driven just by the hurt they’ve experienced from others or by atoning for the hurt they caused. These are just their lives.

Saga comics has taught us all that there is beauty in mundanity. We should all strive for the boring life of just being with people we care about. Boring is good actually. They all could use a little boring. I’m sure adventure will be there whenever they are ready.

And they all live. They go each their own way. Like all families they eventually find out they want different things at the moment so they go to explore them but Nebula and Drax make sure they’ll always have home to come back to whenever they need it.

Whenever Mantis feels she needs a break from exploring the universe. Whenever Peter wants to take grandpa sightseeing.  Whenever Guardians need to rest and regroup. Whenever Gamora feels like reconnecting with her sister. For us that means a lot of goodbyes but for them it’s just until we see each other again.

[pinkeoni]

Explaining WillEl's Narrative Duality— With Charts!

Today I want to talk about the duality of Will and El's storylines and how paralleled the two are, and to help explain I've drawn little diagrams! (or, me forcing everyone try and read my handwriting)

This will probably be a multi-part post, but I'm going to start with season one since it is the easiest to explain, but also looking at just season one gives a good incite into where their individual arcs are heading.

First, let's start with the narrative backbone— Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is literary cycle that Joseph Campbell proposed all stories follow. Now whether or not all stories follow it is debatable, but ST actually follows it to a T.

I've simplified it for the sake of this post, but the general gist of it is that the hero starts off in the Known World, or the "Normal World," and then "crosses the threshold" into the Unknown World, or the "Realm of Monsters" as I'm calling it on my little chart. The hero then ends the cycle when they make the return journey back to the Known World with the knowledge they have gained.

Pre-season one, El and Will are sitting on opposite ends of the chart, Will lives in the Known World and El lives in the Unknown World. This will make more sense as I continue explaining.

I guess it's important to note that parts of the Hero's Journey is meant to be transformative based on the work and character that it is applied to. The Unknown World here is the known world to El, but from an audiences perspective her world is the unknown one, thus why I've placed her on that side of the chart. Will and El both follow the same steps of the chart in the same order, but whether they are in the Normal World or Realm of Monsters is different.

Once season one begins and we have our inciting incident, both characters cross the threshold onto the other side of the chart. They basically switch sides. El escapes the lab entering the Normal World and Will is taken to the Upside Down, or the "Realm of Monsters"

We see a lot more of El's story then we do with Will's, but for most of the season Will and El are basically living out opposite arcs. I think if you consider Will having powers, this is especially true.

El is a girl with powers who is learning how to navigate the conventions of the normal world.

Will is a normal boy who is learning how to navigate his powers in the unknown world.

If El is going to survive in this new environment, she has to learn how to dress and act like a normal girl. She has to learn what normal girls wear and what a friend is and how to make promises, all things that kids in the Known World, like Will, are already familiar with. On the other side of this chart, if Will is going to survive his new environment he has to learn how to use his powers. He has to learn how to control the lights so that he can communicate with his mom, something that kids in the Known World would not know, but that kids from the Unknown World, like El, would know.

The climax of season one is when their respective "monsters" are closing in on them. The Demogorgon (Vecna) gets closer to Will and Brenner gets closer to finding El.

Will and El then end the season on opposite ends of the chart once again, having both made their return journey.

(Of course, the story doesn't end there, but this is the resolution that is offered for the first season)

Like I suggested towards the beginning of this post, I feel like examining their respective storylines in this way could help predict the projection of their arcs in season 5, and what the core of their arcs are actually about.

An important aspect of The Hero's Journey that I didn't illustrate on my little chart is "Master of Both Worlds" or the step toward the end where the hero is a master of both the Known World and the Unknown World. This is a step that we haven't quite seen yet with neither Will nor El.

This goes along with my post here where I speculate the conclusion of Will and El's arcs, which includes El becoming her own person outside of being a superhero and Will becomes the chosen one. Considering that Will started off in the Known World and El started off in the Unknown World, the goal for each character has to be about mastering the opposite realm. Will is likely going to become a master of the Upside Down and his powers, and El is going to come into her own person outside of her superhero identity.

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

"Ask me anything" huh? Can I ask you to rant about stuff you love about Doctor Who for a handful of paragraphs, with the additional requirement that you cannot use correct grammar NOR can your statements be fully coherent?

Doctor Who is like 50% fun nonsense and I think commentaries on it should reflect that. No elaborate and precise statements, just pure joy unhindered by foolish concepts such as "making perfect sense".

I was waiting until I was close to going to bed to answer this because this really needs my half-asleep brain to answer properly. (Or improperly, in this case.) Now, onto as grammatically improperly as I can make this (hopefully I pulled this off. like to think I did!):

you know what i love about doctor who? i love that this show covers every single genre in the universe. that it is horror and comedy and historical fiction and sci fi and alternate history and dystopian and myths and steampunk and biopunk and murder mystery and western and fairytale because genre doesn't apply, because the doctor is a mad man in a box telling the story, except that they're not, the doctor's not the one telling the story, because this is really a story about the companions of the doctor, the people who are reflections of them, the people who become the doctor, the people who were doctors all along, the people who were kind and brave and traumatized and curious and above all, wanted to see the stars, because this is a story about the stars, about the grand expanse of space and time, about everything that ever was and ever will be, but the thing is, the mechanics of the show and how seasons are shot and that no actor can ever stay young forever, because the show is made with real people, everyone has to move on, and that's the beauty of it, isn't it? that people have to move on.

writers and actors always have to move on but with doctor who, because some genius (affectionate) in the 60s decided that regeneration would get to be a mechanic in the show we get to have an eternal canon, we get to have renewal, we get to have companions reflect back on the doctor in an infinite number of batshit insane and unhinged ways, we get to see hope and grief and a bottomless fall and an infinite rise because the doctor cannot die even though everyone around them can BUT ALSO because this show is about travelling, about running, about having the entirety of everything that has ever existed or will exist or can't exist or might exist at our fingertips.

as a result you can have episodes like midnight and partners in crime in the same season and no one will bat an eye, you can have the farting calcium invasion-of-the-body-snatchers be the monsters that propel two of the best character pieces i've ever seen in my entire life, you can have capitalism critiques involving fish poop under the thames, you can have them visit the greatest people that will ever live and the worst, you can have them inspire artists and scientists before they die and that's just as important as the aliens or saving the world, you see, because at the end of the day doctor who is about love, it's about the small moments as well as the big saves, it's about wilfred staring at the stars and amy demanding her imaginary friend show up to her wedding and harriet jones worrying about her mother and about danny admiring the fact that a student said please and about ryan and graham learning to ride a bike together and about jackie being the last person that mickey said goodbye to in journey's end, it's about love and character development and charles dickens and vincent van gogh getting to smile and laugh before they die, it's about the love, you see?

doctor who is about running as far and as fast as you can because even though you're more afraid than anyone who has ever existed you have to see them all, you have to love them all, because you have so much love you can't contain it in one heart, that's why you have two hearts, because you love so much, too much, and you will never find peace, you will never find an ending, but right here, right now, you can have this. and that will never be enough, it can't be enough, but it still matters.

because the love was there.

[amazonworrier]

Any chance for snixmas we can have head cannons of santana and quinn in the future and how their jobs intersect with their relationship?

Merry Snixxmas!

*Since there are sooooooooooo many possible Quinntana futures out there I’m going with a personal fave: Publicist Santana and Author Quinn get together as adults after not seeing each other for like ten years. I also made this up as I went along & accidentally spun it into a mini fic rather than just HCs which is totally not what you asked for sorry sorry sorry…

Their jobs are actually how they reconnect again. Sort of. Santana’s at an event for one of her clients (asshole actor) and Quinn happens to be dating said asshole actor. Santana does not realise this at the time, because the actor is an asshole and failed to tell his publicist he was dating someone new (a famously devout Christian author, at that!) before bringing her to a highly publicised industry event. It’s a whole thing. Quinntana end up squabbling in front of the press and a picture of them yelling at each other makes the tabloids.

They meet up to do damage control. Asshole actor (let’s call him Adam) is a no-show. Quinn is impressed by Santana’s entourage of assistants and how far she’s come in the ten years since they lost touch. Santana reluctantly admits the same of Quinn, even if she’s not buying the whole ‘born-again’ religious thing. Quinn neither confirms nor denies that she’s using her religion to make a name for herself as a writer. They make peace once Santana explains why she reacted the way she did, make a plan to manage the bad press, then end up going out to lunch afterwards to catch up.

The plan goes out the window immediately when another photo of them at lunch makes the tabloids - specifically, of them hugging goodbye for a little longer than they probably should’ve. Speculation abounds for different reasons this time…

Adam is not happy. He tries to fire Santana over it, which gets her into trouble with the higher ups because he’s a major account. She goes to his house to make amends but Quinn opens the door and they get snapped by the paparazzi again. What a mess.

Adam is stupid and believes all the rumours. He breaks up with Quinn, drops Santana as his publicist and outs Quinn to the media as a lesbian. Quinn is shook. Particularly when it jeopardises the upcoming book tour for her latest novel: ‘Straight & Narrow: My Journey Back Into Faith.’

Quinn’s publisher is furious, but at Quinn’s insistence they believe her when she says it’s all a big misunderstanding. Santana meets with the publisher to assure them that Quinn is telling the truth and offers her services pro-bono. They reject her offer and make an obtuse, incredibly offensive comment about her sexuality in the process. Santana looks to Quinn, but Quinn doesn’t defend her. They have a very tense goodbye and stop speaking after this.

Meanwhile by sheer coincidence, Quinn bumps into Rachel Berry, of all people, at another writer friend’s birthday party. They too have not seen each other in years but Rachel is promoting her new autobiography ‘Barbra and Me: How a Legend Inspired an Icon’ so they have friends in common again. Rachel pretends not to see Quinn at first (in a very obvious Rachel way where she absolutely DID see her), and when Quinn finally catches up with her admits that Santana is actually her publicist and she knows all about what went down between her and Quinn. She’s firmly on Santana’s side in all of it, and politely informs Quinn that straight women don’t have sex with their female friends on Valentine’s Day. Let alone twice. Quinn is floored.

Life goes on. Quinn’s book tour is a success but she very quickly begins to feel like a fraud. During a bookshop Q&A someone asks her what it’s like to be mistakenly associated with someone ‘like Santana,’ and when she realises what they’re getting at something inside her snaps. She outs herself this time. Owns her sexuality for the first time in her life, says she’s been with a woman, that the woman was Santana, and that she had such a great time they did it twice. She voices her regret about a lifetime wasted on the Adams of the world to a room full of press, then walks out. Book sales be damned.

Obviously, Quinn’s publisher drops her. But she doesn’t care. She starts writing a new book almost immediately, an honest one this time. A fiction piece about a girl from a Christian household who spent so long trying to be good she lost sight of what good really was. Good is integrity, good is kindness, good is… a made up word determined entirely by the subjective opinion of the individual. It’s also the working title of her new book until she thinks of a better one.

Santana hears about Quinn’s Q&A epiphany through the grapevine (Rachel) and is quietly impressed. That is, until she hears another rumour that the new work Quinn is shopping around to publishers heavily features a lesbian character from the wrong side of the tracks who serves as both best friend and antagonist to the main character. Seeing red, Santana has her executive assistant secure a copy of the manuscript at all costs.

Santana doesn’t have time to read, so she has her assistant do it for her. What she doesn’t expect is to walk into her office the next morning to find said assistant sobbing over the final chapter. He tells her it’s something she should read for herself, and between that and all the crying Santana is sufficiently disturbed enough to decide she will ABSOLUTELY avoid reading it altogether. She snatches the manuscript, tracks down Quinn’s address and ambushes her after work that night instead.

Quinn gets an offer from a small independent publisher for a limited print run, which she celebrates by opening a bottle of wine and drinking alone in her apartment. When there’s a knock at her door, the last thing she expects is to find Santana standing there, red-faced, waving her own manuscript in her face. She lets Santana rant for a while about betrayal and exploitation and the like, then politely requests that she read the book before passing further comment. Then, she closes the door in Santana’s face.

Santana goes to see Rachel that weekend, who is surprised because honestly Santana never makes social calls anymore. She then sits there while Rachel reads the book all day instead (Rachel actually had other plans that day but you try telling an angry Santana that...). When she reaches the final chapter Rachel starts tearing up, and when Santana asks her WHY, begins reading aloud. It turns out Quinn’s book is a tale of lost love, of the ‘could’ve been’ - of a brief moment in time with the one that got away, and the years long struggle that followed the main character as she continued to deny the truth of who she was and who she loved. By the time Rachel finishes reading it is abundantly clear that the ‘one who got away’ is based on Santana.

Santana goes to Quinn’s apartment again. This time, she’s furious for a different reason. How dare Quinn misrepresent their friendship like that. How dare she misrepresent Santana??? She says Quinn is just as much a fraud as she always was - she’s just swapped manipulating Christian readers for sales to manipulating vulnerable teens instead. Shame on her, she says. Shame. On. Her. Quinn shuts her up by kissing her.

They start dating, slowly at first because Santana is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Six months later, they finally make it official. Quinn’s book is a hit, in part thanks to the whisper campaign Santana sets up in her spare time because her publisher can’t afford to promote it properly and Santana simply cannot sit idly by while the best book she’s read in years flops. They become a bit of a power couple after that - Santana continuing with her day job as a publicist to the stars but using her skills and connections to quietly support Quinn’s career wherever she can too. Quinn holds her own just fine though. She carves out a lovely little niche for herself as a YA author, and is a regular guest at talks, panels and fan conventions across the country.

It’s a good life. Their careers are adjacent enough to one another for them to have things in common but far enough apart not to make their world feel too small. Some (Rachel) may say the situation still gets a little chaotic at times. After all, Quinn has and always will be Quinn, and Santana remains Santana. There’s going to be some bad in amongst the good... But they soon determine that being good all the time doesn’t matter as much as being honest with each other; as being kind even in those moments when it’s easier to be cruel. And by that definition their relationship is good. It is. Always. It’s so good in fact, that Quinn will probably write a book about it one day.

[britcision]

I LIVE

Which. Is ironic. Considering our topic today 😅

I did say I was gonna do more with our actual main characters in the show eventually, so here’s a little bit of that 😁

I’m just saying, with Marcille’s track record it’s fucking bold of her to assume she’ll make it to 1000

——————

After Dinner Mints - Lifespans

Marcille thought she was handling everything pretty well, considering. She’d been within spitting distance of achieving her life’s dream. She’d finally learned the truth about ancient magic.

She’d nearly killed everyone in the world, or trapped them in an endless prison where they could never move or feel again.

In the end, she’d made the choice to abandon her dream and stop the demon. If she was honest with herself, it had less to do with the way the demon had been manipulating her or honestly anything it had done at all; it was a lot more to do with the journey she’d been on with her friends. With Senshi.

Because at the beginning, sure, she’d been worried about fighting the dragon, but she’d never doubted they’d get Falin back. Her death was just a temporary measure, no matter what, because she wouldn’t let Falin be gone forever.

But… that was literally just what Thistle had wanted. And looking at everything he’d done, and what they now knew about the demon… Marcille knew she would have been just as bad, or worse. Knew how narrowly she’d escaped exactly the same fate; and she couldn’t help but be reminded every time she saw Yaad.

It wasn’t like she wanted to be thanked for deciding not to end the world. It’d just be nice if people could occasionally appreciate what she’d given up for it.

It had been hard, and she’d had to acknowledge she was wrong, which she was damn sure most of the Canary wardens weren’t physically able to do. Nor much of anyone else that she’d met.

She was keeping those thoughts to herself, along with the knowledge of what accepting that she couldn’t fix the world was going to cost her. After all, she’d have decades, centuries yet to think all about that and wonder if she’d made the right decision, if she couldn’t have controlled the demon after all.

She couldn’t have. She’d have had no chance. But it was already eating at her in the dead of night, and it hadn’t even been a week.

She wasn’t going to waste time on it though. Not when the time she still had with some of her friends was so limited.

It’d just be nice if they were even slightly sensitive about that, too.

“C’mon, Chilchuck, you don’t need to go back to Kahka Brud,” she “teased” again, slumping into her folded arms on the table in front of her, “you can just live in the golden city with us! The king’s own locksmith!”

At the end of the table Laios perked up, despite his exhaustion from another long day of hauling meat and cooking.

Chilchuck folded his arms stubbornly and ignored the pair of them.

“All three of my girls are in Kahka Brud, and all my stuff! I was never planning on staying on the Island anyway, and you wanted to meet them all so bad, it’s not like it’s that far to visit,” he added slyly, a smirk tugging at his lips as he shot her a sidelong look.

Which. Was not fair.

Marcille absolutely did want to meet all three of his daughters, and his wife! The sooner the better! It just… could be here.

“They can move here too! We could help them all pick out houses, or where to build more half-foot sized ones, right Laios? It’s gotta be better to live where you’re personal friends with the ruler, right?” She wheedled, giving her best puppy eyes back.

Laios nodded eagerly, fingers playing nervously along the edge of the table.

“Yeah! You said Meijack’s a locksmith too, you could set up shop together! And I’m sure Fleurtom could find a nice dwarf-”

All levity suddenly leaving his face, Chilchuck slammed both hands on the table.

“And that’s exactly why they’re not coming! I’m not having two of my girls chasing around after Senshi giving him googoo eyes!” He snapped loudly, startling the man himself from where he’d been writing in his journal.

“What’s that?” He asked almost absent mindedly.

Chilchuck and Marcille both ignored him, Marcille tossing her hands into the air.

“Kahka Brud’s a dwarf city anyway! There’s got to be way more dwarves there, at least here it’s dwarves you’ve had a chance to get to know!”

“I got to know some of the ones in Kahka Brud anyway! I live there, all the time except when I was working the dungeon, which is gone now! I can’t ask them all to uproot their lives at the drop of a hat!”

“There’s literally never going to be a better time!” It was Marcille’s turn to slam her hands onto the table, surging to her feet too. “We need locksmiths! Half the houses in the risen city are still locked up!”

Chilchuck narrowed his eyes.

“Not all half-foots are locksmiths!”

“MEIJACK is, you told us to hire her if you died!”

“And I’m not fucking dead, am I!”

Senshi and Laios backed slowly away from the table. And went ignored.

Marcille sucked in a sharp breath, the words slamming into the well of fear in her chest. Chilchuck either didn’t notice or didn’t care, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

“And nothing’s stopping you from hiring me! Or hell, coming to visit! You wanted to meet them so bad, Kahka Brud’s not that far away, so why should we be the ones to move!”

Clearly against his better judgement, Laios re approached the table with both hands raised as if to ward off an attack.

“Chilchuck… I dunno how safe it’ll be for Marcille to… y’know, leave…” he said hesitantly, eyes darting between them in case either went for his throat.

To her abject fury, Marcille felt tears welling in her eyes. She didn’t want to cry, she wanted to be angry! He was just being a stubborn asshole for no reason!

But.

Yet.

He wasn’t dead yet.

Scrubbing at her eyes angrily, she did her best to glower at him.

“I can’t leave! You were so scared of the western elves, the only reason they’re not taking me with them when they leave is for Laios! That won’t matter in another few decades maybe, but I can’t wait that long! Because even when you’re a dick, I still want to spend time with you!”

Before you do die.

She couldn’t face the words, but they hung in the air in the silence anyway.

Laios quietly retreated. Senshi disappeared, probably in the direction of a kitchen. Chilchuck’s eyes widened briefly, and he sank back in his chair.

Marcille tried to catch her breath, pushing her hair back off her face. He hadn’t braided it for her today, and she hadn’t been able to work up the will to do it herself. Why couldn’t he just see he was needed here…

Pulling his mug back across the table towards him, Chilchuck took a large gulp and snorted.

“Bold of you to assume you’ll live another decade.”

Marcille. Blinked. Utterly dumbfounded. Had he forgotten somehow?

“Wh…. Chilchuck I’m going to live another nine hundred years?” She even sounded hollow and uncertain.

Chilchuck raised an eyebrow at her, gesturing with his mug.

“No, half-elves can live more than nine hundred years. You are a fucking disaster who got killed by a slime the second you left magic school, and now the immortality spell is gone. The next time any of us fuck up is for keeps, so I’m pretty sure I’ll outlive you,” he said smugly, finishing his beer.

Indignation rose to fill the space shock had emptied.

“What! Hey, you died in the dungeon as much as I did!”

Not that they’d ever actually compared death counts (who kept track of things like that?) but she was pretty damn sure he had. Dying hadn’t exactly been a regular occurence with the Toudens, but it wasn’t unheard of either. They’d both been under Falin’s resurrection more than once.

And he’d been working dungeons for years before she ever showed up! So really, he’d probably died more.

“Not ten minutes into my first day I didn’t,” Chilchuck snickered, pointing at her with the hand holding his tankard, “and I only ever died of things that only happen in dungeons, like mimics and traps. That’s not gonna be hard to avoid on the surface. You’re gonna have a much harder time avoiding your own clumsy ass.”

Especially not if he stayed in Melini, where the monsters wouldn’t go, but Marcille was much too indignant to think of that now.

Mouth opening and closing a few times, Marcille huffed and drew herself up, folding her arms. She couldn’t actually refute the whole “dying on the first day” thing, so there wasn’t much point trying.

(It wasn’t like it was her fault the Toudens had been too busy whispering to notice the slime.)

“It’s not like there’s an overabundance of slimes up here either!” She snapped, both hands on the table. “You’re more likely to be lock picking some trap for some obnoxious lord than I am to find another slime!”

“You’re more likely to do some dumbass magic and blow yourself up in a closed room than I am to find a trap I can’t handle,” Chilchuck shot back, looking entirely too pleased with himself.

Heat building in the tips of her ears, Marcille did her best to ignore it and glared at him.

“I’m not going to need any explosive spells! There’s no monsters to fight!”

“I said blow yourself up, not use explosive spells,” Chilchuck said dismissively, waving a hand, “you’re way too into all that weird magical experimenting, and it’s not like you’ll remember to take care of yourself anyway. Senshi and I will get back to our lives and in a week you’ll have forgotten you need food and be wasting away in a tower.”

“Hey! I can take care of myself!”

“You probably couldn’t make a sandwich.”

“I can cook for myself just fine!”

“You’re gonna confuse one of your weird dark magic potions for a sauce and be dead in a week.”

“That was SENSHI! And it wasn’t a dark magic potion, it was a changeling ointment!”

“Yeah, and when you do it it’ll be a weird dark magic potion. And you’ll turn yourself into a mushroom or something.”

“I’m not even doing the ancient magic anymore! And I’m not gonna turn into a mushroom! No one turns themselves into a mushroom!”

“And how many people accidentally turn dragons into chimeras?”

Breathing heavily, Marcille clenched her fists and forced herself not to cry. Or scream. They were finally, finally so close to fixing that stupid mistake, and it hadn’t even been her who’d made it.

If Thistle hadn’t revived the dragon… but no, that didn’t matter.

She’d known Chilchuck wasn’t comfortable with what she’d done. He’d never been shy about it. Although apparently he’d also been holding more back than she’d thought. And none of that mattered, because she didn’t want to waste what little time they might have left on pointless fighting.

“If I’m that much of a disaster, that’s only more of a reason for you to move closer! Any of us could die tomorrow!” She huffed, dropping gracelessly back into her seat.

Somehow, the words didn’t hurt as much when she was annoyed. Didn’t feel as imminent, as real.

Chilchuck snickered and poured himself another beer.

“You could. I actually know how to take care of myself. And you guys don’t pay me enough to babysit.”

Marcille spluttered indignantly, unable to even find the words. Laios cautiously approached the table again, but didn’t retake his seat. He still looked skittish and uncertain, lost as ever when the subject wasn’t monsters.

“Still, Chilchuck… there’ll always be a place for you here. For you, and your daughters, and your wife if you ever want it? Wasn’t Marcille going to help you try and work things out with your wife anyway?” He asked hopefully, giving Marcille the puppy eyes that looked way too much like Falin’s.

She had no chance against those eyes, but luckily in this case he was on her side. Chilchuck faltered, and she shot him a triumphant grin.

“Yeah! It’s gonna take forever if we have to write letters back and forth,” she agreed smugly… although the idea of the story playing out over a long series of letters was appealing too.

It’d be like having her own private romantic serial.

Unless Chilchuck and his wife both moved to Melini, and then she could watch it in real time, and that’d be even better! Or if Chilchuck moved in, and they both wrote to his wife together…

Senshi reappeared, carrying a tray of steaming mugs that smelled of cinnamon, pausing for just a moment in the door before approaching the table. All three men gradually relaxed as Marcille visibly brightened up, as she always did with the prospect of family drama or a slow romance.

Or not rehashing the death of everyone she’d ever met. Or would meet, for another five hundred years.

Senshi distributed the mugs, gently taking Chilchuck’s beer and only getting a mildly disgruntled look as he switched it out for hot milk. The half-foot took a sip of the new drink anyway, humming happily as he tasted the whiskey.

Marcille played with hers, turning the mug slowly in her hands as she mused over all the possibilities. Then she snapped back, shooting Chilchuck a hopeful smile.

“You know… being the royal locksmith would be the kind of position that might really impress her,” she suggested, heart in her throat.

A reluctant pink tinged Chilchuck’s cheeks.

“She doesn’t care about things like that,” he grumbled, looking into the foam on the milk. Just a little too sullen when combined with that blush.

Marcille squirmed in delight. “Just coworkers” or not, she knew him far too well to miss excuses.

“Oh, but we’ll have to get you fitting clothes! Something very well tailored, with fine fabrics, since you’re on the king’s payroll. What’s her favourite colour?” She asked eagerly, clasping both hands over her heart.

Clearly about to protest again, the last question wrong-footed Chilchuck completely.

“What? Why?” He asked cautiously.

Marcille rolled her eyes.

“Because you need to wrap her present in something, and oh! You’ll have to tell me her favourite flowers, and jewellery, and…”

The possibilities spilled out in front of her, far more infinite than the unknown spans of time that might be left to any of them.

True, to an elf (or a half-elf), they’d see so many years that they almost lost meaning. But she had the same twenty-four hours in a day, every day, and if the dungeon had taught her anything it was that those hours could be as long or short as she made them.

Really, even a thousand years probably wouldn’t be long enough for her to run out of romantic strategies to help Chilchuck win his wife back. They’d have to get down to some serious planning really soon, maybe even before the feast…

Actually, there was one obvious place to start.

Beginning to relax into his drink, Chilchuck twitched when her attention snapped back to him.

“Hey Chilchuck… what’s your wife’s name?”

————————

Finally we’re back to short and sweet 😁 and this one has been living rent free in my head for a while

Aaaaaand spawned another terrible little snippet with my most beloved Mithrun that I hope to be sharing with you soon because the only thing making the Marcille-disaster worst is hanging out with Mithrun 😇

Dungeon Lord Besties

And link to my AO3:

[aeirithgainsborough]

i just finished playing parts 1 and 2 of tlou for the first time and, as someone who has grown to love joel and ellie very much within the span of 72 hours and found their characterization in pt 2 to be straight up bizarre, your takes on the game are a godsend. the rage in my heart cannot be extinguished but it can be soothed. thank u for ur service 🫡

you’re welcome!! it’s baffling to me how many people seem to have mindlessly taken it all in, just letting themselves be force fed some bullshit morality tale with no thought cus… yeah it’s bad ajsjjs. the gameplay is good although a little repetitive since it’s more open, the graphics are stunning, and as a disabled person who can struggle with games sometimes the accessibility is next level. they definitely get credit for that!

but the narrative is terrible. for a start it’s chock full of contrivances. abby happens to find tommy and then when she’s looking for him after making a FOURTEEN DAY JOURNEY across a dangerous world she gets into trouble and who should save her but joel! who then runs into a lodge unarmed with a group of strangers after 20 years of being on his guard. and then ellie runs into the room too unarmed despite the noises she can hear coming from it, even though she took on david and his cronies at 14 and got the better of them lol? then they all travel another FOURTEEN DAYS no problems, they find who they need in a huge city, ellie leaves a handy map for abby to find her. it’s absurd. one or two contrivances i can ignore but when you’re that reliant on them for your plot it’s not good writing!

then there’s ellie ‘im scared to end up alone’ ‘you’re the only person to never leave me and id be more scared without you’ williams. a girl who lost her best friend/first love traumatically and had a whole ‘let’s make the most of the time we have left’ thing with her… and she doesn’t speak to the most important person in her life for 2 years?? not my ellie lmao. i can see her being mad. i can see her being cold to him. I can see that relationship being different bcus of joel’s lie. i can’t see her going cold turkey whilst living on the same property as him for that long. i can’t see her never asking him for a proper explanation in that time. she leaves everything behind eventually despite her fears and how important the notion of family is to her. bye dina and jj. and then at the end… it’s pointless! she didn’t even get her revenge after becoming unrecognisable, leaving her loved ones behind, and killing a slew of people to get there. nor does she develop lol AT ALL. at 14 she had survivors’s guilt and was ready to sacrifice her life bcus of that and a belief her life doesn’t matter and then at 19 she’s the same! there’s no lightbulb moment where she’s like OH my life does matter it does have value none of my friends’ deaths were my fault and i don’t need to die for absolution. there’s no moment she realises why joel saved her. she’s stagnant. it’s so miserable. and it haunts me what we could have had if joel hadn’t been killed off for torture porn shock value. if they’d had to go on some journey with their relationship cold and not As It Was and along the way ellie has that understanding that her life DOES matter. ‘no one wants the same story they played in tlou blah blah boring’ LOL YES?? ellie and joel are why ppl loved part 1 and that’s why they had to lie so much in the lead up to the game and marketing. ‘this is a story about joel and ellie that’s why we decided not to have it about new characters’ lie ‘we love joel and ellie and we’re going to treat them with respect’ lie, plus aging joel and ellie up in the trailers and inserting joel into the trailer in a way that made ppl think they were going on a journey. it was a deliberate lie to make ppl who wanted more joel and ellie buy the game and they told it for a reason. and besides there’s a difference between ‘i just met you and i don’t like you rn but slowly im gonna love you’ and ‘i love you but i don’t much like you’ and that difference is actually fascinating and could have been used to rlly good effect instead of… all those stupid contrivances and torture porn!

and then there’s joel lmao. even the opening when he says ‘i saved her’ is so funny his expression his tone it’s literally disney/marvel villain sjsjsjd i cannot take it seriously. beyond that there’s such a dissonance between a) what actually happens in part 1 and what they say in part 2 and b) the violent world they’ve put him/us in and then asked us to get across in one piece with a kid in part 1 and how he’s then judged for that in part 2. ‘get this kid across the country but when WE make it so you’re attacked in every chapter and have to defend yourself/ellie we are going to say joel is a cruelly violent man’ ‘get this kid across the county without letting her die when you’re attacked pls and btw in part 2 we are going to say you taught her violence and corrupted her’ never mind that it’s impossible joel could have done the job in the world THEY created and then punished us for acting accordingly in, but also that he doesn’t even give her a gun until using one makes her sick and it’s not a fun toy to her. and even then it’s for emergencies. he never attacks first, he only defends. and they made it that way! that specific world is useless in moralising to us about violence bcus of that dissonance. none? of? us? can? help? it? ‘be violent when ur attacked or you’ll die and can’t progress the story but we are gonna punish and villainise and demonise you for it in part 2’ ‘kill hundreds of people and dogs, torture people, but did you know violence is bad actually??’. ABSURD. and in that hospital joel was NOT the aggressor. honestly the whole thing would have worked better if abby’s revenge had been for pointless violence. but from the point we know him joel is never violent until they are attacked first. that’s inarguable fact. even tommy in part 2 tells ellie joel wouldn’t have gone to seattle for revenge if it had been one of them! it’s been a long time since he did terrible things and im not saying that makes it ok (except he’s hot and not real so idc) BUT that aside the point is, he doesn’t go looking for it, and it’s never pointless anymore. but he’s the Big Bad Evil who deserves to die like a dog and we know you all love joel but we’re gonna make you hear it and watch it and also in the whole game we are gonna make him the punching bag we are not even going to ONCE let him open his mouth and explain what really happened in that hospital and why he saved ellie (yeah he’s so terrible for not letting a suicidal 14yr old kill herself)! which rlly brings us back round to the dissonance cus they’ve ALL done shitty stuff to survive including abby but she’s gonna be the one to ‘stop horrible evil villain joel in his tracks’ when he’s been living quietly in jackson for 5 years and she’s gonna get her revenge and then after get a happy hopeful ending all to show us violence and revenge is bad which a) falls flat bcus what? revenge makes you lose everything and end up alone except not for abby! and b) she’s objectively just as awful if not more so than joel but she’s the one who has to stop him and gets a nice redemption arc with a hopeful happy ending and joel has to die! abby:

shows great pleasure in slowly torturing joel and then killing him brutally

does the above in front of his screaming kid who’s being held down and forced to watch even though just finding her dad’s body is traumatising for her

is in an authoritarian militia who is intent on wiping out anyone else out in seattle lol?

kills people for that militia including kids

after torturing joel and killing him is so deeply unaffected by it she laments the fact she hasn’t got time to torture some seraphites who are chained up in cells

kills jessie when he’s unarmed cus she rlly learnt violence and revenge was so awful and took everything from you. wait, no, only ellie had to learn that lesson and end up alone. she also shoots and injured tommy!

once again shows sadistic pleasure in the idea of killing when she’s about to slit dina’s throat. this pleasure is bcus she’s pregnant so again yeah she rlly was so affected by her violence and revenge lmao.

never shows any great remorse beyond a throwaway line, meanwhile ellie loses absolutely everything including her fingers and joel, peacefully minding his business in jackson is the villain who deserves to brutally die and even after he’s dead he’s further villanised by the narrative lol even tho he was right to kill jerry fuck that man!

it’s just completely nonsensical! not only are they moralising to us in a world that doesn’t suit it, but they can’t even do it well!

it’s also just relentless misery and torture porn. kill all these ppl kill these dogs watch joel die horribly beat ellie up as the person who killed him even though you love her and are attached to her (really struggle to understand where im meant to find empathy for abby during this, esp after jessie and then the whole dina bit) watch ellie lose her family lose her fingers and end up alone which was her greatest fear. don’t even get me started on the section that posits ellie as a david figure down to gameplay mechanics and the theatre set up which is beyond vile when he tormented her when she was a fucking kid and the voice actor has talked about how he was going to r*** her. it’s vile enough that they took the first lesbian protagonist of an AAA game and tortured her for 25 hours straight and turned her into the villain but to also position her as her own fucking predator is straight up horrific. cus that’s not a stereotype in the lgbt community… as an aside, troy saying joel is the same as david is the stupidest thing ive ever heard and he should shut up forever.

on top of all that the game is homophobic, transphobic and racist. neil got the idea when he fantasised about killing palestinians in revenge… yikes. you can even see how the conflict between the wlf and the seraphites mirrors what’s going on in palestine. it’s actually a plot that’s very similar to an early iteration of tlou1 that was stopped cus... it didn’t make sense for anyone in that world to travel when it’s so dangerous just to get revenge ajsjsjs come back bruce! (ppl like to forget he was integral to part 1)

this game doesn’t respect the characters, it doesn’t respect the world, and it sure as heck doesn’t respect us. it takes the ambiguity from the end of part 1 which made it SO great and rips it to shreds. instead of being allowed to make our own minds up they ram down our throats that joel was completely wrong in the way they punish him through the narrative and ellie (the ellie part just makes it worse :/). goodbye nuance goodbye grey area. the reaction to it from gamers who hail it as a narrative masterpiece and love abby whilst arguing joel is a villain who deserved to die show what propaganda was invented for actually! and then ppl have the audacity to say if you don’t like the game you’re a homophobic woman hater with no depth or nuance ITS LAUGHABLE.

i found the experience of playing the game so genuinely traumatic it was that full of torture porn but the good news is the further out i get from playing the game the better it gets. i haven’t cried for days and days about it which is a record!! and at that point it gets so much easier to disengage from part 2 and just enjoy the actual masterpiece part 1 was.

[tenabrye]

The Night We Met

Vash x GN!Reader (angst)

(works with any version of Vash)

warning(s): death, depression, fluff in between

(forgive me for such sadness)

You had first met him in your twenties. He wasn't at all what you had imagined the Humanoid Typhoon to be like. Nor did you imagine meeting him in such a situation. Then again, you had found stranger folk on your travels, but none quite as strange as Vash. You helped him in his time of need, saving him from the desert heat that looked as though it nearly killed him. He was kind, even going so far as offering a way to pay you back for your kindness, yet you shook it off. "You don't need you," you told him.

"I want to," he said, smiling in such a way that made it difficult for you to refuse. You soon gave in, allowing him to pay you back by helping you deliver some parcels in the next few towns. The journey with him tagging along was entertaining. You learned about how he was a pacifist, even raising a few questions on how difficult it must be to not kill when your life might be taken away. It was enlightening to hear him speak his piece on the matter, his views of life somehow making more sense to you than the "dog eat dog world" you grew up hearing about.

Many nights were spent camping under the stars with him, enjoying the little chats and him showing some knowledge with certain constellations in the night sky. He never spoke about his family, and you never did pry him about it, either. You figured his business was his own. That, and you knew the journey was ending and the two of you would be on your separate ways, though that didn't make parting easy. The past two weeks you had gotten close to him, despite your brain constantly telling you not to, knowing this would happen and how much it would hurt.

"Don't be sad," he told you, eyes soft as he placed a hand on your shoulder, "we'll see each other again. I'm sure of it." It was a small bit of hope that you clung onto. Until the next time.

The second time you met him was ten years later, only this time you weren't delivering parcels anymore. You found yourself in the bounty hunter business, knowing full and well that doing so would lead you to see him again, and it worked. Once again, you saved the Humanoid Typhoon's life, thus causing him to want to pay you back for such kindness. "That's what friends do," you said, "they look out for one another." The smile on his face was enough to make you chuckle, not knowing why he held onto such words like that. "Don't you have friends?" You once asked him.

"I used to," he replied, smile soft and eyes half lidded, and you got the hint. You rubbed his shoulder, however, you pulled him into a hug when his head dropped. He was taller than you, hut he still buried his face into your neck.

He stayed around longer this time. Two weeks turned into two months, which turned into almost a year of him being at your side. What little friendship there was at the start slowly progressed, until it crossed the line and entered a new and welcomed territory. Camped out under the stars like the two of you had done multiple times before, something seemed to have changed. It could have been the way he scooted his sleeping bag closer to yours, the way you caught him staring longingly at you that night, or perhaps when he pulled you into his arms for better comfort. What put an end to the friendship and allowed for romance to slowly blossom was when he kissed you that night.

Lips so tender, full of longing with a hint of desire. He had never forgotten about you, and he despised himself for ever having to leave you ten years ago. "Stay with me?" It was such a simple question you asked him, to which he was quick to smile and reply to. He would never leave you. He promised himself he never would, however, promises were something he was never any good at. Certain people made sure of that and, soon enough, he had to leave you yet again. It pained you to see him have to leave, not fully understanding his reasoning other than the fact that he had a twin brother that would use you against him.

You were left heartbroken, vowing to simply move on with your life as best you can after Vash had lied to you. Perhaps this was the real Humanoid Typhoon? A man that cozies up into people's lives, only to vanish and tear them apart on the inside. As difficult as it was, you managed to move on. It was for the better. You knew this.

Thirty years had gone by without a single mention or sighting of Vash. You had given up hope of ever seeing him again when he left, making it very clear you meant nothing to him, or so you assumed. In that time, however, you were able to settle down with another and live out your life in a small town, away from all the hustle and bustle of life. It was simple living, peaceful, and you loved your spouse well until their passing before you hit your seventies. After that, you lived alone, spending your remaining days at home. Until he came.

He looked the same as the day he left you, and you couldn't help but cry as all of the memories and feelings for him resurfaced. Vash caught you before you could fall over, his arms a familiar sense of security to you as you hugged onto him. "You left me," you whispered to him, the tears still flowing.

"I know," he replied, his tone soft to match your own, "and I'm sorry." His hand gently rubbed your back. "It was to keep you safe."

"Are you leaving again?" He hadn't expected you to ask the question so soon, and he smiled softly and shook his head in response. "I want to hear you say it."

"I promise--"

"Don't," you cut him off, "don't you dare make a promise you can't keep."

He swallowed. "I won't leave you. Not this time. I'm staying with you." And he did. True to his word, he stayed by your side until your final goodbye. He held your hand as you lay in your bed, smiling softly at him, telling him not to cry when you caught the tears in his eyes.

"Don't be sad," you told him, causing him to perk up a little, "we'll see each other again." Vash bit his bottom lip and nodded, soon closing his eyes after you did the same and drew your last breath. He never thought he could love someone the way he did you. He knew he never should have even entertained those thoughts when meeting you, but the second time felt like such a coincidence that he had to. Truth be told, he had a feeling the night he met you. He could feel the connection before you even had the chance to.

Vash knew he loved you the night he met you, and it hurt him knowing this would happen, but he would live on with the memory of you. The good ones, the bad ones, every little thing you ever said that made him feel better when some days were bad. He knew he would meet you again. Not soon, but he knew he would eventually, and he was counting on you to welcome him with opened arms.

[exielimon]

Guess who said was not a writer and proceeded to write another thing?? that’s right, me. So, this is-

Forest song

————————————

The night was chill and the air felt cozy, I was with the chain sitting around the fire and telling curious facts about ourselves.

“Seriously? call Epona, with grass??” The vet deadpanned to the sentence Twilight had said.

“If we were in my Hyrule I could show ya!” Twilight defends while Epona, behind him, flicks her ears at the mention of her name.

“Does it have to do with that instrument you hang around your neck?” Wind asks curiously, slightly looking up from the second bowl of soup he has taken tonight.

“Yeah, kinda”

“You can actually call her by many methods, I, for example, could play the same song with an ocarina” Time proudly states.

“Still, grass is not exactly what is expected to be included in the ‘many methods’ of calling a horse” I defend Twilight’s curious fact about himself.

“I can get the notes on a recorder. Play the song and I’ll repeat it” The traveller says suddenly taking out a wooden recorder flute from his way-larger-inside-than-it-looks-outside pocket.

“Oh- no, I can’t do that, that’ll alert m’ girl, and she’s so relaxed right now, I don’ wanna wake ‘er up” Twilight says glancing over his shoulder to Epona, peacefully resting against a tree.

“Awh, kinda wanted to learn the song” The traveller pouts, lowering the recorder and putting it aside to take another sip of his soup.

I look at the wooden object and something passes through my mind; a memory of myself playing Zelda’s Lullaby with a beige recorder flute a few weeks before getting tossed in this adventure with these nine heroes. What were the notes again? Fa, La, Mi… Fa, La, Mi… oh yeah, I remember the melody, I remember song of storms and song of healing too… damn I miss my flute… wait… “Hey, ‘Rules, do you mind if I try your flute??”

“hm? You know how to play it?” He passes it over to me and the rest of the group’s eyes land on me, which I don’t realize, for I’m too focused in my excitement, it’s been a while since I played my instruments…

I take the instrument up near my lips and stop to think what I was about to play, I know quite a bunch of songs, what can be good for this occasion?

.

..

…

The air whispers and makes the leaves dance above my head, there is a faint mist that swirls and hums a melody that is not comprehensible yet not less calming… reminds me of…

Lost woods.

So that’s What I start playing. Saria’s song; the melody that can be heard in the misty forest Time grew up in, the song that the skull kid played when Twilight arrived to get the Master Sword during his journey.

My fingers move, making different melodic sounds with ease as I close my eyes and feel like I’m back home, annoying my mother with the same song time and time again. Once I finish the song I open my eyes and chuckle at the memory.

“How do you know that song?”

I flinch at the sudden Time’s firm, deep voice, that one that people use when they’re confused and will end up in a negative reaction.

I let out a quite nervous chuckle and begin “Uh- well… history says an old hero used to play that song when he missed a certain person… it’s said that one can still go to Lost Woods and will hear the soft notes of an ocarina playing that song, along with a childish laughter, in certain place… I don’t know which, though…” That was the longest lie I’ve ever made up.

Damn I wish I could tell them the truth, but the idea of them starting to question their existence for being just game characters for me… yeah, I wouldn’t like that reaction.

Time smiles softly and lets out a calming huff through his nose —Dad Time was tense, glad he relaxed— “A good friend wrote it… along my fist journey, I could play it and I would feel like i could hear her voice…”

“Oh… that why is called ‘Saria’s song’?” time to play dumb.

“…Yes.” His face is not one hurt, nor of loss… but nostalgic. Ouch, sorry.

“Wait- a skull kid played it whenever I entered the sacred grove that guarded the master sword,” Twilight started “that lil’ brat attacked me with marionettes”

“Wait wait wait- a skull kid played it?? THAT skull kid is still alive in your era?!” Time exclaimed… the others are missing the way a faint smile is twitching on his lips…

“YOU KNOW HIM?!”

[kirame90]

I just wanted to let you know that I genuinely, so very much, loved your comic from beginning to end. It made me laugh, and tugged at my heart strings. I've been reading it as you released chapters weekly since near the beginning, but didn't get around to confidently using my new Tumblr account till you were basically near the end of the story. Regardless of that, I still wanted to follow you, even though it's over now, and express my love for this beautiful piece of art you put so much time and love into, that definitely inspired me at times.

I did want to ask if it was possible at all, that fans of this story could see a potential physical comicbook of this story being sold in the future? Though, I get that kinda project would likely require money, time, and material that you may not have, I was just curious if it's something you've thought about doing?

My final question is, if we will ever see anything more from the chaotic boyfriends, seeing as you've finished the main couple's story? Though I also get you likely don't have the time anymore because of your dream job, or may not have had anything else planned for them. I was just curious, and also loved the shenanigans of the chaotic boyfriends, but felt they had a little more that was worth exploring after they got tricked into confessing to eachother (or at least BLU Sniper was tricked).

I wanna finish this out with another thank you for all your effort to bring this wonderful story, and charming goofy characters to life these last 3+ years! I'm both so happy and a lil' sad to see it finally end, and will miss eagerly waiting every Wednesday for a new chapter. I hope you have a wonderful day!!!

❤️💙

HNNNNNNNGGGGHHHHH thank you so incredibly much for your feedback and sorry for the late reply!! Q^Q

Thank you for reading as well as letting me know how my little story touched you. It's amazing to hear others have been enjoying their journey with my babies along the years <3

We are actually working on the physical copy of the comic with my best friend. She's being amazing and doing basically all the work on her own. I started a new passion project for Patreon (since it's going to be NSFW all the way I can't put it anywhere near Tumblr -_-) so my free time is - again - extremely limited.

The physical copy will include J's face in the end and all the NSFW bonuses, so it's DEFINITELY not for kids ;)

Aaahhhhh the Chaotic Boyfriends. I do love them to death and I can promise you they're living their best life after leaving Mann Co.

For whatever reason, I can’t see those two getting married. Even if they stuck together after their contracts end, I see them in a comfortable companionship rather than being officially married.

They would probably see marriage as cringe-worthy arrangement after making fun of SniperSpy for their union. I like to picture these two just travelling the world together, going on missions and enjoying wild life; practically being a married couple without the marriage part.

And having monthly swinger parties with SniperSpy ;)

But yeah, thank you again for your feedback, it truly warms my heart to hear people's thoughts about the comic as well as the characters. If we'll get to finish the physical comic project I will let everyone know immediately. I'm not expecting it to be a huge success nor am I looking to benefit from it. If we'll ever get to sell physical copies all the profits will go to charity, as they have this far.

Please take care and have a happy Pride Month! ^^

[serpentkiller]

✧ my gender journey

hello everyone !!

today i wanted to share my gender journey with you all as well as a bit about my sexuality and romantic identity. each section will be marked prior to the story part so if you don’t wish to read about one of the topics, just skip it’s section.

✽ topic sections:

gender journey

sexuality journey

romantic identity

❀ gender journey

ever since i was little, i knew i was a little different than my friends. they were super feminine and loved all of the typical girlie things where as i was more interested in playing outside and doing things that girls really didn’t care for as much. in middle school, i made a friend with this girl who told me that she felt like she was supposed to be a boy which is why she wore boy’s clothes but she never told anyone else other me. i was really envious of her, i also wanted to wear boy’s clothes and go by a more masculine name but when i did, i got bullied for being different so i went back to doing the whole girlie thing. sadly it wouldn’t be until about 13 years later when i finally discovered the right terminology to describe what i had been feeling this whole time: nonbinary.

now i openly identify as nonbinary, i use a gender neutral name in public, i wear what i feel, and i don’t worry about hard gender roles anymore. some days i’m more masculine and other days i’m more feminine. it just comes down to how i feel that day and if my mental health is stable or not. when my autism is unstable; i lean more towards being masculine as an example. i am comfortable in my identity now but there will be days where i am uncomfortable with it still.

❀ my sexuality

i want to preface this section by stating that first and foremost i am asexual. i feel no sexual attraction to people, however, this does not mean that i never want to do the *deed* i simply don’t lust after people.

with that being said; i am pansexual. i am attracted to people of all genders. no i don’t care if someone is trans - if we get along and can really connect with each other than i’ll be attracted to you.

i really didn’t come into my sexuality until high school when i had my first real crush on a girl that i was friends with. she is actually the person who taught me about what bisexuality was. until around 2016 i was identifying as bisexual until i learned about pansexuality online and realized that that term was more relatable.

as for being asexual; i never really thought about sex growing up the same way my friends did. they all were excited to have it and fantasized about it while i just wasn’t interested in it nor understood why sex was so important. i lost my virginity later than my friends and really only did it to get it over with and to shut my friends up about being a virgin. it was no big deal to me and i didn’t feel anything about it afterwards. over time i began to realize that this wasn’t normal and after hours of research; i came to the asexuality conclusion.

❀ romantic identity

now this was much harder to discover for me mainly because my first few relationships confused me. i liked the boys i dated but i didn’t feel romantic feelings for them. this feeling followed me through most of my relationships - i knew i loved them but didn’t feel love for them. it wasn’t until i met my high school boyfriend who became my fiancé that i knew that I could indeed feel love after all.

before knowing that i am basically demi-romantic though - i was even more confused when i really wanted to date this one boy at the same time as this one girl who also wanted to date the same boy as me. being dumb teenagers; the boy asked us both out together and the girl ended up asking me to be her girlfriend too - so we were a throuple. it was honestly so great but we were bullied about it and ultimately broke up.

that was the first and last throuple i was in and ever since then i can’t help thinking about doing it again. i would love to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time; since i don’t particularly like sex, i feel like if we both had a girlfriend who did like it - our boyfriend would be happy. idk if that makes sense but like it makes sense in my mind.

I hope this answers some questions or at the very least makes sense - I pride myself on being open and honest with my followers so I hope this wasn’t too personal of a post for me to share with you all. If you have any more questions; feel free to just ask me and remember to let me know if this post isn’t accessible for you or others so that I can adapt it to suit everyone!

[figs-and-cigs]

Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements.

This is probably one of my favorite topics regarding relationships, not just in polyamory. I've spent a lot of time recovering from codependency and having a working understanding of these things definitely made my polyam journey easier.

I like to define Boundaries as guidelines to protect myself. They're simply things I do to take care of my sanity, health, finances, and peace. They're not lines drawn in the sand, nor are they a way to control others. They can be flexible depending on the situation.

For example, one boundary I have for myself is that I don't answer the phone after midnight. There are occasions though where I'm awake at 3am unable to sleep, and a friend calls while they're struggling. If I have the spoons there's a chance I'll answer. If my kiddo calls, I'll answer. I don't need to state this boundary. I just do it.

Rules are often posed as trying to control another person's behavior. In my unhealthy relationships rules were often my way to try and control the situation. "No more drinking at home!" The problem is I can't control another person.

In a healthier relationship I'd like to think of 'rules' as Agreements. Things that both parties have discussed and agreed to follow. It's important to note that at any time someone can want to change the agreement but this is something both parties have to discuss. In my healthy relationship we have agreements that we won't allow anything to impact our kiddo/family schedule. We also have an agreement that we don't bring partners to our home - but this will change if we move and have a spare bedroom. We also have financial agreements - who pays what amount and which bills. Along with basic housekeeping agreements.

Since I've been ranting about my break up lately. I had brought up many times that my schedule was going to change. Each time she had asked for us to discuss it later. Which was fine. Of course I'm willing to discuss it. Unfortunately her desire to discuss it later began to sound more like avoidance.

When my schedule did change I had to take the time to decide how much I needed to prioritize this schedule change. Could I be flexible? Were there agreements I'd be willing to work on. At first my answer was yes, and I was willing to have an open dialogue about it.

But anytime I broached the topic she deflected. It was when she told me to plan the next date on the day I was trying to change that I finally decided this needed to be a boundary. I very simply said, "I can't do that day anymore." Period. The end. Ok not the end - I gave lots of explanations for WHY, but that wasn't necessary.

While she seemed to ignore that boundary and kept pressing for the days I stated I couldn't do, I was frustrated.

But the reminder for me is that, no one can cross my boundaries but me. Regardless of her expectations for me to make arrangements for that day - it was ultimately on me to say no.

Just because someone calls me after midnight doesn't mean I have to answer. If I say I'm going to bed at 11, it doesn't matter if my husband decides to sit on the couch and watch a movie. It's up to me to go to bed. If I've used my restaurant budget for the month, it's on me to tell my date that I can't take the check this time if we're planning to go out to eat. If my comet asks to meet me on a day I can't do because kiddo has a game, it's on me to say I have to plan for another night.

Of course when someone keeps pressing against a boundary I've tried to set - I need to take time to analyze if this is something I'm willing to accept. Am I ok to have to repeatedly say no? I probably have an undefined limit with that.

When it comes to Agreements/Rules, there is an understanding that if someone finds the agreement unacceptable both parties will discuss an addendum. One example was that we didn't want kiddo to be introduced to our partners. When there was a family friendly event with our poly group, hubby and I discussed going. Kiddo did meet one of my partners who was introduced as a friend. The rule changed some. Vanilla family friendly events are fine, as long as our partners and free understand we don't talk about our relationship structure with kiddo. (Don't get me wrong, kiddo does have basic understandings of what poly is, but no need for her to stress about my relationship with her step dad.)

If someone breaks and agreement without discussion first - this leads to more discussions. Why did they do it? Does this mean the rule/agreement is unacceptable to them? Does it mean that it's not possible to uphold? What adjustments needs to be made? A break in trust may or may not mean and end to the relationship- just like pressing against boundaries.

I think the most difficult piece for me is deciding when these discussions need to take place. I don't like setting up too many safe guards for "the possibility of something going wrong!" To me this creates a lot of inflexibility on the basis of fear and anxiety. I believe the need will often present itself and then we know to discuss it.

I didn't realize I needed a boundary around when I answer the phone until I was up every night arguing with my (now ex) partner. I didn't realize I was uncomfortable with having other partners in my home and bed until the possibility came up. The discussion of sexual safety always comes up before engaging in sex. Etc.

This turned out longer than I meant it to - as do most of my ranting writing nonsense.

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

Prophecy Rambling

So a while ago I wrote this fic about Giygas and the Apple of Enlightenment, based on this neat bit in one of the japanese guidebooks detailing a conversation between them

Recently I took it down because I've been thinking more about the Apple and the Prophecy and my ideas surrounding both have become wayyyyy more complicated than what I had in mind at the time (it also just needed some rewrites anyway but that's beside the point ><)

Earlier today I rambled at @commandernachos for about half an hour trying to put everything together, so without further ado, here's my current thoughts about the Apple, Buzz Buzz's prophecy, and the confusing time travel shenanigans involved in Ness's adventure!

(note that as per usual, this is firmly personal headcanons, not strict analysis)

Right so, my fic had a pretty simple premise: Giygas asks the Apple of Enlightenment, a super advanced machine able to predict the future, to tell him how his invasion unfolds The Apple informs him that not only does he fail, he'll be totally destroyed by a boy named Ness Outraged, Giygas tries to find some way to alter the course of the future, and lands on corrupting Porky into helping him, against the Apple's advice And so this leads into the end of Earthbound, where Porky is an unexpected wrench in everyone's plans (The Apple of Enlightenment couldn't predict this.)

So that's all neat and orderly, BUT I was neglecting some crucial things For one thing, while I was drawing from that Giygas/Apple conversation thing, I was totally ignoring the legend from the actual game:

When the chosen boy reaches the point, he will find the light. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and will reveal the path of light.

Which was very much on purpose, because it's weird and super confusing. Plus it's radically different from how the Apple gives its predictions in the guidebook convo and my fic, so I didn't wanna bother figuring out how to reconcile it with them. That being said, it's a pretty huge thing to ignore, and it's been nagging at me ever since!! so here we are.

But, that aside, there's another thing I didn't consider! Which is how Giygas wins!!

So, along with the legend, Buzz Buzz tells us that he's from a future (10 years after 199X) in which Giygas succeeded, and everything was destroyed At a glance, this is easy to rationalize:

Apple predicts Ness will destroy Giygas

Giygas snatches up Porky to mess up the Apple's prediction

Porky's presence allows Giygas to win and destroy everything (presumably by turning off the Devil's Machine and unleashing Giygas's full power, like at the end of the game)

But this begs the question: why are Ness and his friends able to defeat Giygas in the game's timeline? What changes???

So what I've landed on all hinges on one thing: the Apple's prophecy and Buzz Buzz's legend are two different things. Both predict Ness's role as the hero and Giygas's death, but they're both separate things. As the Apple states in its conversation with Giygas, "The results of temporal interference cannot be prophecized." It can only predict the outcome of the unaltered timeline, which never came to pass. The legend, meanwhile, is something ancient, predating Giygas, able to transcend his meddling with time.

So basically, we're left with three different timelines. I imagine this is all pretty convoluted, so here's a handy little chart I made which I think simplifies everything pretty nicely:

How I imagine things play out:

Unaltered Timeline: Buzz Buzz never arrives, so neither the sound stone nor the sanctuaries are in play. Ness goes on journey of his own accord, things play out much more smoothly without Porky's interference (Paula is never kidnapped, for instance). Giygas is never released from the Devil's Machine, and is defeated without ever using his full power or destroying his mind. All goes according to the Apple's prophecy.

Porkified Timeline: Giygas, fearing the above outcome, corrupts Porky to his side. Porky gives Ness much more trouble on his journey, but he is able to make it to Giygas as before. Porky disobeys Giygas and disables the Devil's Machine, allowing Giygas to destroy the Chosen Four and begin mindlessly devouring the rest of reality. Buzz Buzz, knowing the ancient legend, travels back in time to bring it about.

Earthbound Timeline: Well, you know how this one goes.

One thing I have difficulty reconciling though, is that despite the changes Buzz Buzz brings with him, it's NOT Ness who destroys Giygas in the end! Why does Ness fulfilling the prophecy, gathering the power of the earth, overcoming the evil parts of himself in Magicant, becoming more powerful than he ever could've been otherwise, ...allow Paula to destroy Giygas? What was different in Giygas's altered timeline that prevented Paula from doing the same thing then? This is something I don't have an answer for :/

So it seems I still need to do some more brainstorming. But in the meantime, those are all my ideas about this! Hope it's not too confusing to wrap your head around ^^ And man that fic is gonna be so much more complicated whenever I get around to rewriting it haha

[disaster-j]

TOL Rewatch Week One

Just rewatched episode one with beloved mutual @magicaldreamfox1 and AAAAAAAA this show really does so many things to me

I have like a million and one thoughts but two main ones-

I am still so fucking pissed about Khai being made into a genuine asshole for drama reasons in the show instead of just being a dumb slut (affectionate) who thought his feelings for Third were Extra Special Friendship Feelings as if all friends dream about building a life with their bestie and get anxiety over the idea of said bestie not being by their side always.... yeah Khai is so much gayer in the novel y'all don't understand I will never shut up about this particular change. Never ever. HE SHOULD'VE BEEN A SIMP FROM THE GET GO. I get that the drama was important to fill up eps but like they did Khai a grave injustice by erasing so many of the scenes that showed his good side, his scared side, his confused side, his deeply in love with Third side. I will never forgive them for making the show Third biased when the story is supposed to be about Khai's journey.

What would've happened if Two had never intervened. Like I've already written a fic about Third giving up on Khai after overhearing him in That Scene but even then he'd at least tried and like his crush had been acknowledged by people other than him. But what if Two had never found him that night he decided to give up. What if neither Two nor Bone had tried to intervene during that time and Third had pulled away from Khai???? WHY AM I MAKING MYSELF SAD THEY'RE MY FAVOURITE SHIP But like imagine KhaiThird having a friendship break-up imagine Khai losing his fucking mind bc Third was his everything and he just didn't realise it until he'd already lost him imagine them remeeting a few years after they've graduated and Khai desperately trying to get back in Third's good books and Third being his meanest self trying to hide how much he still loves Khai AAAAAAAAA someone write the fic pls i am on my knees begging

Other notable thoughts I had while watching the episode

We should talk more about the fact that Khai went and got his ass beat defending Milk's honour AFTER he found out she was messing with him. Like he just did that huh. And he had no reason to think it would help him get her back or anything he just did it bc he felt like it. My poor lil meow meow my favourite puppy boy I love him.

All the Khai is autistic/nd posts are correct

All the Khai is demiromantic posts (me im making all them posts) are soooo correct

Khai's not nearly as Straight in ep1 as he'd like to believe. To quote Dreamy, why are you as a man "riding" "charles". He's a bottom. I said what I said.

THE WAY KHAI SAYS LOVE YOU TO THIRD STILL KILLS ME APPARENTLY

Third is the og bl exploiter girlboss. He was capitalising on his sexuality and close male friendships before it was cool.

Two and Bone BOTH knew Third liked Khai in ep1. Two definitely noticed Third in the scene where they wrap up filming, tho he's obviously been eyeing him a while. And Bone absolutely Knew when Third walked away while they were teasing Khai about Milk. He literally frowned at Third walking off and then turned pensively to Khai. Maybe this is when he decided to confront Khai about Third's crush?

Fake Protagonist is still undefeated as best bl ost I said what I said.

Two and Bone are the best friends ever. This friend group is perfection like no other BL has executed a friend group this well, where everyone gets appropriate screentime and no one exists just for comic relief or to further the plot, they all have their story arcs, their own motivations and flaws and endearments, and they don't go off on their own after the show ends. And they ALL actually get along well. Not Me could've had this if the writers weren't Black antis.

It will be so fucking hard to watch one episode of tol per week literally itching to go watch more as I type AAAAAAAAA

And yet. We persevere. See y'all next week!

[udaberriwrites]

Fic Writer Self Rec

Fic authors self-rec! ✨ When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers ❤️

Oooh, a chance to ramble about my fics, I see, well let's do this! Thank you, @sliebman10!

Let's tag... @mikaharuka , @alpaca-clouds , @thememoryofthatday , @sapphosewrites , @axolotlsupremacyowo , @0nelittlebirdtoldme , @kayedium-writes and @tsunderewatermelon !

Ok, ok, so... as usual, I'm going to be jumping around, because you guys know how my attention span can be xD

1. Life is a Rollercoaster; or Tao Xu's Fight Against the Big Butterfly of Doom (Heartstopper | 11.1k | Fluff, Humor, Time Travel)

Tao got the chance to go back in time and undo his worst mistake. Tao prevented Charlie from being outed or bullied. Tao changed things enough that, the second time around, Charlie didn't get assigned the seat next to Nick Nelson in form.

…Fuck.

Or: the Butterfly Effect sucks, and if Tao has to take desperate measures to ensure his friend's happiness, he will. He draws the line at Iron Man 2 though, someone has to keep some standards around here.

I binged the show and immediately got the urge to write something for it, but I didn't expect it to blow up as it did! I had fun with this one, and the readers were super nice and encouraging, plus sharing this one is what led me to eventually meet @mikaharuka as we rambled over our fics, so for that alone it's always going to have a special significance for me 😁

2. Neither Grief Nor Glory (TSOA/Hades | 7.6k | Angst, Smut)

Dying had been a relief, but death is turning into its own kind of torment.

Dying was just the beginning. Achilles' journey back to Patroclus is a long and twisted one. Along the way he'll have to confront his unaddressed grief, face his many regrets and learn to truly become a man worthy of Patroclus' unconditional love.

But like all journeys, eventually he'll reach his safe harbor.

My first yuletide! This one took months and a couple of minor breakdowns, but the end result is something I am very proud of, both in terms of the prose and the worldbuilding. And my giftee left the loveliest comment ☺️

3. All That Matters (Asterix the Gaul | 2.6k | Character Study, Queerplatonic Relationships)

Asterix has always felt different, but he has Obelix, and that is usually enough. Everybody else has questions, however, and he grows tired of answering.

"He wants to shout, even if he still doesn't know what he wants to say, even if he knows that if he lets his frustration take hold of his tongue, he will regret the harm he will cause."

This was... very, very cathartic to write. I remember rewriting sections of this so often, and I am humbled by the response it had. It was a very validating experience.

4. Life is a Flower, Love is the Honey (Deep Space Nine | 9.5k | Romance and Fluff)

“I don’t think Julian would like that,” Leeta said, without pausing to think about it, but… “We could ask him,” Rom had replied. And wasn’t that an interesting idea?

(A self-indulgent, mostly Rom-centric, Julian/Leeta/Rom fic because I was re-watching ‘Bar Association’ and this happened. I have no regrets.)

The one that brought me back into writing, after several years of hiatus... and the one that gave me confidence to push on, even if I nearly backed out due to it featuring a strange rarepair. This story is always going to be special for me <3

4. When You Speak, I Hear Silence (Deep Space Nine | 1.8k | Friendship)

Terok Nor is no more, and strange new aliens are coming to the newly named Deep Space Nine. Nog doesn't expect life to change; but then he finds a friend, who gives him the greatest gift he will ever receive.

If there's a fic where I wouldn't change a single word or a moment of the writing process, it has to be this one. I'm so glad I didn't go with my initial idea, because this version with Jake&Nog just made things click for me ^_^

[potatopossums]

for a while, my inner monologue has told me that I'm a failure because my relationships "fail"

relationships don't "fail" when they end

relationships (of any sort) are not successful by virtue of lasting forever

my relationship with my friend, which has most recently ended for the foreseeable future, was not a failure — as much as my brain might have been trained to think so, and as disappointed as i am to learn that we don't want the same things — NOT a failed relationship.

we have a relationship. it is one where we have always tried to be as honest as possible with each other. we are both still learning who we are and being authentic with ourselves and others. I'm a bit further along in this journey in some areas, and my friend is still learning in those areas. Today she finally was able to tell me what she truly wanted. She cried the whole time, feeling absolutely sorry that she couldn't be the person she thought I deserved, all because she didn't want the same things as I did, and had such trouble realizing it and saying it before now.

I'm disappointed, yes. I had very much looked forward to continuing to share time and space together as we had been doing. But hearing her honesty was important to me. First of all, i was proud to see her taking such big steps like that. Second of all, I needed to hear that honesty clearly, otherwise I would have gotten the wrong idea. I already had understood something different a couple times before. Learning to be assertive and asking for what you need is not easy when you're a recovering people pleaser. But here we are, finally with some very important, life changing honesty.

This relationship was not a failure. Maybe it didn't go the way I hoped in the end in some regards. Maybe my friend wished that she felt the desire and capacity to be there for me in ways she can't. But neither of us are failures, and our relationship is no failure. We walked together for a time, we made a good time of it along the way, we shared good things, made nice memories, and we were honest with each other as much as we could be. And at the current point in time, we have continued to communicate openly, healthily, gently, and authentically, all to the best of our abilities.

We do not have to be "together" forever or even for a long time in order for our relationship to be successful or important.

We were successful. We were honest and shared joy and sadness and cared about each other. Even more simply, we operated through our time together and we both got something out of that time. We learned things about ourselves and about each other. About the world.

That's no failure.

And I consider it a wonderful time. Am I sad? Absolutely. I'm sad that a friend of mine won't be around so much for a while, it seems. I'm disappointed things won't go quite the way I thought they would. But I'll be okay. I'll meet other people and I will feel comfortable again. I will feel close to people again. I will enjoy physical touch and cuddles again. I will take care of myself. I'll grow and learn. I'll be okay.

It's sad right now, leaning on bittersweet. Soon, it may be happy for me. Who knows. But sadness, disappointment... those don't indicate failure either. They just indicate change, progress, life, emotion. It will be okay.

It means responsibility and probably some unlearning, but happiness is a state of mind.

And as always, I'd love my state of mind to be rid of amatanormativity. Because that's what all of this is. And my importance and happiness and self image and outlook on life should never ever be attached only to how my relationships operate, nor whether they last (especially "intimate" ones).