#not let it get to me and cause self-doubt or imposter syndrome

[cypric-rat-hyperfixation]

Here's some AI generated rats in the style of van Gogh

I hope you're feeling better than you were a couple days ago☺️❤️

holy s h i t

[windsweptinred]

Still thinking about your last corithiel hc with Ruin as special guest! Can I ask for more details about it? <3

Ahhhhh Ruin and Corinthiel. 😅 You know, this started off as such a crack headcanon... But actually going back and viewing Ruin with a Corinthiel magnifying glass makes him SO much more interesting.

Like most I think the first time I read The Dreaming: The Waking Hours, I viewed Ruin as a hopeless disaster. And not in a sexy Constantine type way... In a, oh Ruin.. Deep deep sigh... type way. But that kind of does make sense. As far as we're aware Ruin is Daniel's first independent creation as Dream. He's hopeless, insecure and desperately wants to escape his role in the Dreaming. Which makes sense, because he's a perfect reflection of his creator, who is suffering from a cosmic case of imposter syndrome. Is also full of doubt about filling Morpheus's shoes and possibly in the darkest reccess of his mind wishes he was elsewhere.

(Also Daniel, Babygirl... Sweetcheeks. We love you, we feel your suffering. But Ruin's right there. Greet your creation first, wallow in self pity later. )

And there my assessment of Ruin would end. A young nightmare created by a young creator who inherited all this masters insecurities. Yet forged a path for himself despite it all....But (snaps on the shipping goggles) revisiting the comic, I did start to notice some similarities...

Ruin is no Corinthian, no masterpiece of an artistic maestro. He's raw art created by unpractised hands. But when you line them up side by side, there's an interesting correlation. Ruin is rebellious to fault if he feels his rebellion is justifiable. Will not bend to his Creators will, no matter what that may cost him. And has a deep, intsense, almost blinding passion to the point of fixation. He'll do anything to find Ben, anything to be with Ben. Anything so he's the centre of Ben's world. And has a tendency to turn self destructive if something impedes that. Sound familiar?

Was Daniel's aim to create the Corinthian 3.0...absolutely not. I doubt he'd have the want or the confidence to try. But did he indirectly pour into Ruin a part of him, but also what his experience of what a preeminent nightmare is, what the nightmare closet to him is?

I think Morpheus's last creation, the second iteration of the Corinthian, and Daniel's first, Ruin, have a strange poetic symmetry to them. Similar in temperament and how they both stand apart from the rest of the Dreamings nightmares. (One could argue a case for Gault ofcourse. But the Corinthian and Ruin share a self centeredness in their desires Gault doesn't. Gault wanted to inspire to change, Ruin and the Corinthian want what they class as theirs and WILL get it) Daniel crafted Ruin, no matter how subconsciously to be different, to be a nightmare who can love. And well, if he's a reflection of the second Corinthian, who was molded a little different to the first, with something that makes him the same, but different... Well. 😏

So Ruin, still a hopeless little nightmare. But an interesting part of the Corinthian 2.0 and Daniel's cycle of rebirth of the new, yet a reflection of the old. A restart to Daniel's reign reflecting the conclusion of Morpheus's.

...................................................................

Now leaving attempts at reason behind and falling arse over tit into full on Corinthiel goodness, when a dark mirror of humanity and an anthropomorphic personification of Dreams love each other very much... Said Dream Lord can accidently make a sentient manifestation of that love. Cori, you may as well call Ruin, 'Junior' cause you ARE the Co parent. 🤣

Ruin is such a little Corinthiel scrapbook made flesh... Dreamstuff. A Nightmare born with one goal, one he feels destined to fullfill, to find his beloved and be by their side always. That's it. When we talk about Morpheus crafting Cori for Daniel, well..Did Daniel stand on the beach of creation thinking, Oh how I love you, let me create a tiny terror tot to show you the ways. 😆 Seriously, part of me needs a fic where Cori and Dani are oblivious idiots who slowly realise they're in love through Ruin. Who is literally a walking, talking flashcard there for all to see, saying, Yes, you're in love, just kiss each other!!! The Corinthian being lumped with abysmal baby nightmare as a student and lamenting every second. Daniel slumping dramatically about the Dreaming in woe over his failure as a creator. Meanwhile Matthew is desperately trying to point out.. "Guys, I think blue's existence is trying to tell you something important." 😆

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

Girl, I love your blog and your smart replies💕 That’s why I wanna know your opinion about the topic Evan and his relationships. Don’t you think he might be toxic too? Let me clarify: We all assume that Evan is the good, sweet, introverted guy looking for a serious relationship with a good woman but unfortunately he always ends up with someone evil and toxic. But I can’t believe he never met at least one good woman in his entire life, someone he could have a healthy relationship with. For this reason I’m quite sure he’s only looking for women like Emma before and like Frances nowadays cause he loves the thrill of the toxic bond. Someone healthy in my opinion even bores him. This entire dynamic is not only toxic but also dangerous especially since he is no longer a baby boy but a 36 year old grown man and break this toxic cycle could be very difficult. It’s like he’s destined only for this type of relationship (even in the workplace, see for example his relation with Ryan Murphy). I feel bad for him and only by working on himself he can possibly change his situation. Sorry for the long message but I wanted express my opinion☺️

thank you so much, i really do appreciate this feedback <3 let me reiterate these are just my own opinions..

i do feel like the situation isn't black and white like it can sometimes appear on the outside looking in. and what i mean by that is: publicly, evan has a good reputation - we don't get reports of him exhibiting bad behavior on set (minus the fighting with emma during ahs but even that was minimally reported), in hollywood, or from anyone close to him who has spoken out in the media. no diva behavior or abusive tendencies. by contrast, there is lots of public information available about some of the women he's seriously dated that would lead us to believe they are a problem. note i said a problem, not the problem. chaos can't thrive in a relationship without two willing parties who partake. even if we were to believe evan was never in the wrong (which is impossible, he is human and he is a man, ahem) there's still something to be said about a man who is in his late 30s with so many failed relationships with women who had obvious problems. again, as someone who doesn't know evan personally, if i had to throw out some reasons that i think he has not been lucky in love, i would list off poor self-esteem, self-doubt, substance abuse problems (hopefully resolved) and far too high a tolerance for drama. he has stayed with women who cheated (emma), beat him (emma) and used him for money/clout (frances) to name some of the bigger offenses. and i fully believe he feels indebted to ryan murphy for jumpstarting his career and would have a very hard time telling him no. evan doesn't believe in himself as an actor and i think he feels stable employment with ryan is a necessity, even when the types of roles he's receiving drain him mentally and emotionally and have pigeonholed him to a certain degree.

i agree that he's doomed to keep repeating these types of romances until he addresses his own personal issues. people who have toxic relationship after toxic relationship are absolutely addicted to it and feel insecure in healthy ones. if he ran into a successful, beautiful, stable woman in her 30s he would probably feel deeply insecure to pursue something with her because, in my humble observation, he has a low opinion of himself and by his own admission suffers from imposter syndrome. it's easier to date a 20-something onlyfans model who had a teenage crush on you, is likely impressed by your career and net worth, and will keep your ego boosted so long as you're spoiling her.

thanks for the great discussion topic anon!!

[whumpering-heights]

Happy Whumpmas (•∇•。) 🎅🎄🎁🦌 🍪 🥛!!! You have just been snowballed by a secret whumper. Help to keep the snowball fight going by anonymously sending this to five other whumpers with a whump-related question of your choice: What is your character(s)' biggest fear? How would they react if it came true?

thank you for snowballing me! What a cool question too, let me think...

So for Villain, one could argue his biggest fear already came true: the loss of his intelligence/cognitive ability, and with it his sense of self-worth and identity. It didn't even occur to him he could lose it, before Hero. (At least, not at his age, and he didn't expect to live long enough for dementia to be a problem.) The fear really only appeared once he started his cognitive decline. At this point, he's "accepted" it. Put in quotes because really, he's simply given up on recovering what he lost. He feels trapped in his head, but knows there's nothing he can do.

Which leads me into his current biggest fear: (further) loss of autonomy. His indepence was another cornerstone of his identity. Having to sacrifice it during capture didn't really trigger this fear fully (he was too busy fearing for his life and mind). But now, he's "free", theoretically able to do what he wants. And yet, he has to rely on Hench and Vigilante for everything. The woman he considers like an unofficial daughter, and his former advisary, both people he would never accept help from, if he had the liberty to. And yet, he's dependant on them, from food and money to help getting dressed and relearning how to walk. (Not even mentioning the mental support.) His current biggest fear is he'll be unable to make any true decisions for himself, even when he's recovered.

Vigilante's biggest fear is that he's not a good person. Oh sure, he knows he does good things! And he's proud of the ways he's changed. But there's a worry that those don't outweigh the bad he's done. He has a case of moral imposter syndrome. Whenever he gets a confirmation of that (i.e being compared to Hero in any way), it adds another scoop to the pile of guilt, and he'll close himself off further to avoid being "found out".

Sidekick has a very similar fear of turning into Hero. But I don't think it's his biggest, currently. It's a big one for sure, and it'll haunt him for a very long time, but I think at the moment, he's more scared that it'll all be for nothing. His abuse has to mean something: at first, he rationalized it as making him stronger. Now, he just wants to grit his teeth and bear it until he can replace Hero and be better than him. So if he were to "give up" (aka leave his abusive home), or die young/not be able to become a hero/ect, it would all just be meaningless violence and abuse. If that were to happen... he'd be completley lost, and consider his life over before it really began.

Hench was very cagey about her biggest fear (for a while, the closest i could think of was "public speaking"), but I've narrowed it down to "rejection/dissaproval". The higher she thinks of someone, the harder their opinion of her will matter. She doesn't care what the city thinks of her actions, as she likes Villain better than anyone. So as long as he approves of her, she's content. Vigilante is second on the "people that matter" list for her, but he doesn't come close to Villain. If Villain were to reject her... Oof. I think she'd pick up very bad coping mechanisms in an attempt to ease that pain, and I highly doubt she'll ever love anyone like she did Villain.

And finally, Hero. His biggest fear is very plain: he's scared of not being on top. He needs the external validation: the adoration, his status, his control over others. If any of those things are threatened, he lashes out to silence whatever caused it. In his mind, there's the worthy few at the top, and the worthless lot at the bottom. And he doesn't want to lose his place in that hierarcy. If that were to happen, he'll lose what little self control and subtlety he has, and claw his way back up no matter the cost.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Let me preface this with saying I know I'm not supposed to feel like this and if anybody told another het-ace that they weren't queer/lgbta I would want to punch them, but...personally,

I feel like a poser in the LGBTA community or like I have the luxury to 'just be het' if the situation requires it (like in settings with religious people for example).

(I know this is mainly self doubt and anxiety, imposter syndrome, ect)

Like, I am ace, just vaguely heteroromantic (though honestly I'm damned close to aro too), How can I stop feeling like a fair-weather member of the LGBTA community?

Getting more involved in ace/queer communities can help a lot with this. Are there any ace meetups near you? Any discord servers that look interesting? Do you go to a school with an lgbtqia+ club? It's also Pride Month right now. Any local Pride celebrations you can go to? Actually spending time in spaces with other queer people can definitely help you feel more queer and connect more to queer culture. And it's totally fine if you're more comfortable in ace spaces rather than more general lgbtq/queer spaces (though most do tend to be very welcoming of aces, and you can usually check in advance that they're ace friendly), because ace spaces tend to be pretty queer themselves. And you don't have to go all out, but joining a community or two can be really good.

Other things you can do include things like learning queer history, supporting queer causes, seeking out queer media, etc. Similarly looking up and understanding ace history can help too. Historically Ace can be a good place to start.

But yeah just in general I feel like there's kind of a perception of what Queer is from a mainstream non-Queer POV, and it tends to be very rigid and these strict identities, etc. But once you're actually in these communities and being around people you realise just how diverse it is and how much queer actually means a coalition of people who fall outside of what society tells us we have to be in terms of things like gender/sex/relationships/attraction.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[lovefollowsknowledge]

1 year down, 3 to go

A lot of people ask me how school’s going, and to be honest, I struggle every time bc I don’t know what to say. Bc tbh it’s hard af, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much out of pure stress haha. The amount of reading is overwhelming and never-ending. I’ve done more presentations in my first year than my whole undergrad career combined. 10-page papers are just casually thrown at you 1-2 weeks before it’s due. - The standards are just incredibly high, and everyday I am reminded how I simply played the game and wasn’t actually the best student in college and high school haha.

But tbh that’s not even the worst part. That part was expected. I expected returning to the stressful life of a student and having to re-learn how to stay focused and prioritize. I knew it would be hard, but I felt like I could figure it out and get in a groove eventually. Which I’m more or less able to do by the end of the semester haha. But, no, the hardest part and the part I never expected was the internal work this program would cause me to do. 

Imposter syndrome - I’ve struggled with self-doubt in the past but never anything like this. Every. Single. Day. I think, “Wth am I doing here? Who do I think I am that I can be here? That I can be in this space and succeed? That I’m as good as these other people in my cohort? That I’m deserving? That I’m capable?” Everyday I feel small and incapable and stupid for even thinking I could possibly belong in higher academia and succeed not only in school but in this career. I look around and I see all these intelligent, experienced folks, most of which are younger than me, and I’m like “uhhh I come from ministry and working with K-8 kids, and I just wanna help them feel better and loved.” Hahah I just feel so small next to everyone in my cohort. I don’t answer questions the same way they do, I don’t make connections as fast as they do, I don’t think to ask the kind of questions they do. I feel very ill-equipped everyday. BUT what I’m clinging to is that God put me there. I applied to so many other schools, and this was the one that worked out. And ever since then He has been providing in so many different ways that make my decision to stay at SMC easier. I’ve thought many times of just giving up, especially in the beginning, but every time there’s just something inside that’s like “just give it a chance.” And so I stay, against all doubt and disbelief within, I somehow stick around. Bc He just keeps making a way. And my motto lately has been “just say yes to what’s right in front of you,” and well He keeps keeping SMC right in front of me, so here we are haha. Another thing I cling to is my professors. My professors, who are professionals academically and in the field, have been so encouraging and so supportive. So I figure, if God keeps making a way and if my professors aren’t telling me I’m a straight idiot for thinking I can be in this program, well I must be in the right place. And so while I still struggle with self-doubt and imposter syndrome, I’m trying to cling to these objective truths outside of me - the affirmation of both our Lord and my professors. And slowly, I’ve been letting myself just lean in and rest in that. Rather than constantly fighting it, I’m learning to receive it and just keep saying yes, till it’s clear I need to move on. But till then, here we go for another year! Haha

Privileges, oppressions, and biases - This is probably by far the hardest part of this program so far. Every class starts here - What is your worldview pertaining to a certain topic, how did you get that worldview, what values do you hold that come out of that, what biases do you have bc of that, what parts of that are rooted in experiences of oppression, what parts of that are rooted in your identities of privilege, how will that impact your work as a clinician working with various communities and populations? Every single class starts with a self-assessment, and it is the most humbling shit ever. Sometimes it’s caused me to face wounds I never thought I’d have to or even knew were really there. Other times it’s caused me to acknowledge my positions of privilege and recognize the blindspots it’s given me and even ways that I myself have perpetuated and upheld oppressive beliefs. I’ve had to trace back my values and really question where they came from, what are my biases, and how could this limit me in my work with clients. And it’s just been extremely challenging. It’s causing me to realllly dig, and it really just feels like tilling the soil of my heart (which goes to show be careful what you pray for bc that’s been my prayer for years now lol), where things are being brought to surface but also that things are getting torn up.

Call to love - What’s been especially intense and challenging is how a lot of the values and worldviews presented in class and held by most of my colleagues are very outside everything that I’ve been formed to believe pretty much my whole life. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been in a Catholic setting. From being raised in ministry, to studying theology at the most Catholic school on Earth, to being a youth minister myself, I have always been immersed in the Catholic faith and surrounded by faithful Catholics. And this is what I’m learning is my biggest bias. And it’s not that I’m doubting my faith or leaving it behind, but what I’m realizing is by being in a Catholic bubble all my life, I have no idea how to live outside of that bubble, how to be with people who aren’t faithful Catholics, how to be surrounded by beliefs that are not my own. And honestly, if this were me 10, maybe even 5 years ago, I would say, “What do you mean? There’s only one way to think, one way to live, I’m right, they’re wrong.” And I would hold fast to that and I might even leave the program, completely scandalized and frustrated by the things they’re teaching and the beliefs my colleagues hold; I would run back to an ultra-catholic university. But instead, I’m learning to just be in it. Not reject it, not debate it with my theology, not close my ears to it and pick and choose what I want to learn and be prepared for in the field. I’m just in it, taking it in, listening and learning. Because what I feel like this program is preparing me for is the ability to love. I am learning things that I KNOW my Steubie friends or even Steubie Mare would be so upset and straight up appalled by. But what I feel like the Lord is saying when I learn about all the different ways people experience life, ways that are so beyond even my awareness, is “These are My people too. This is My heart too. I have come for them too.” And that’s what I think of when I think of the future and working with someone with such opposing views and experiences from my own. That those differences don’t matter, what matters is that Christ’s heart is still thirsting for love right there. There are so many people in my cohort that say they used to be Catholic or used to be Christian but left bc of a certain belief or a certain prejudice they feel the Church holds. They say it’s complicated bc they still believe but they don’t want to belong to the Church. And you feel/hear the ache, the confusion, the hurt in their words. And what I’ve learned is that people don’t leave the Church bc they want to leave the Church or bc they randomly stopped believing in God. They left bc somewhere along the way someone failed to love them. Whether that’s one person or multiple or they felt rejected by the entire institution. And this has been one of my most challenging parts this year bc on the one hand I am feeling deeply how I have failed to love and how the Church has failed to love. But on the other hand, I feel extremely conflicted bc I have never had to live and love among those who think and believe differently from me. I’m learning how many of my years of formation actually taught me how to judge and be self-righteous and persecute and reject those who think even an ounce different from how the Church teaches. And I have cried many tears, aching, telling the Lord, “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to live in this world.” I’m learning that it’s hard. It’s freaking hard being a Catholic today, a 31-year-old, single Catholic woman, and it’s honestly a battle I’ve never had to engage in until now. And yet, I am so so grateful for the opportunity to study at SMC bc all I keep thinking is, “They’re stretching my heart to love better. To see others more fully for who they are. To make my heart a greater capacity.” And yeah it gets complicated with theology, philosophy, morality, I’m not saying throw caution to the wind and leave all teaching behind. I’m just learning that sometimes (if not all the time) loving someone whole-heartedly, without judgment, without agenda, without condition is more important, more impactful, more meaningful than stuffing teaching down their throat and forcing them to accept it before they become a member of the Church. I just find it so ironic that my first time being in a secular setting, I am learning more about Christ’s unconditional, intimate love and the call to love with a love that knows no bounds in a way that is more real and more tangible than ever before. So while it is difficult engaging in lectures and discussions that challenge my beliefs and values, I’m grateful nonetheless for the ways it’s stretching my heart, mind, and worldview.

It’s been purifying to say the least, and it’s only been 1 year! We’ll see how these next 3 years go ;)

LDM

[approximatelynobody]

i keep thinking about a conversation will had with a friend of his. upon talking about our diagnosis will mentioned the idea of getting a second opinion because we doubt whether it’s true or real or just generally feel a sense of imposter syndrome. im sure that is something many others who share this disorder can relate to. i know that’s true for me. after hearing this his friend joked by sarcastically saying “yeah, cause there is a chance you don’t have DID”. He has witnessed switches and is aware of our condition. he meant it to be comforting i believe as to dissuade any doubts about wills sense of or lack of sense of his identity. i think he wanted to ease his anxiety about this disorder and let him know you don’t have to pretend like it’s not true around me. it was likely a comment meant to say that it’s okay and you shouldn’t doubt yourself. honestly, i don’t know if it was helpful or not to will. nor do i really care that much. but that conversation seems to keep circling around my mind lately. mostly just because i think im realizing that if i say something like i want another opinion because i’m doubting myself and my identity, it’s not because i need someone to confirm these neurodivergent symptoms to be true. it’s not that i want someone to say you’re not faking even if you doubt yourself. to be honest i don’t think i’m looking for a professional or anyone for that matter to tell me it’s all true and that this isn’t something im just devising in my head. nor am i really looking for someone to tell me this all isn’t something ive just convinced myself of. i think the truth is kinda much more sad the more i think about it. i think im looking for someone to tell me just the opposite. that it’s not true. that i am just making it all up after all. i can only think of one reason why i keep coming to this conclusion. to put it simply, i can’t seem to accept what i am. i can’t accept this truth. i don’t want to believe what the professionals have told me. i hate to say it but im ashamed of myself and what i am. there is so much shame and self hatred. there are a lot of great people in this community who are understanding of there diagnosis and there identity. and they can find solace and comfort just knowing there are people out there who believe them and can spend their energy trying to build a better system for themselves and their alters. instead i just seem to be running backwards though. i can’t help it. it’s almost like i put in energy trying to do the opposite. i’m not learning to accept what i am. i don’t feel like im on that journey at all. i’m trying to find a way to prove im not a part of a different whole. i’m offended by what i am. i’m me and i just want to be me. i know this may be the wrong place to share this. i don’t hate those who can relate to the complexities of life with DID. none of my feelings about this are directed outwardly. i just sometimes don’t want to find acceptance about myself. because i hate that it’s true. perhaps that’s wrong, but it’s how i feel.

[the-witch-of-one-piece]

Hallow Val hehe, I just wanna

Omygawd idk how to say this

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I ranked 2nd in the training scores in an org I'm in. Because firstly I don't even participate that much and second I think my speeches aren't that good. So I'm like why? how? wHaT? It's probably the imposter syndrome kicking in.

I guess maybe I do deserve it but I'm still skeptical like 😭😭. I think I may need some comfort fluff with Thatch and a gn!reader that has imposter syndrome,, please ehe~

ps. Congratulations again on 700 so proud of u mamshie

Hello Potatho love! You are very smart and bright don't think you are not! The teacher must see the talent you have! Don't be so hard not yourself! Of course I can do this for you babe! Aww thank you so much my love , I hope you enjoy! ♥️

Thatch x Gn Reader: Have Faith in Yourself

Warning: talk about self doubt, worthiness

“_________ you don’t have to do so much all at once ya know.” Thatch has his arms crossed watching you busting your butt off as you carried crate after crate. “Here let me finish, you need to take a beak.” Thatch taking one of the crates from your hands.

“No, it’s okay! I got this please dont worry.” You said giving him a pleading smile trying to reach for the crate he moved it to the location it needed to be. “Thatch!” you wanted to show the crew you weren’t worthless. You weren’t the tallest nor the strongest you felt like you always had to do more to show your worth but it never seem to be enough for you. Going above and beyond never wanting help anywhere and everywhere.

Thatch caught on for some time now, he would watch you take on more tasks. It did worry him because he looked more exhausted putting so much stress on yourself and your body. “You know you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.” Thatch turned to you with a bit of a cornered look on his face. Thatch taking a better look at you see the exhaustion on your face. “As your commander I want you to go get some rest.”

“But..but…” feeling Thatch’s index finger against your lips.

“No buts babe…. Do it for me as a commander and as your boyfriend.” Thatch rubbed your shoulder. Nodding as you gave into him, you began heading back to your quarters. Thinking about how guilty you felt for having Thatch do your work. You were kicking yourself in the butt just a bit ,your mind overthinking about events you don't in the past and how it should have been don't differently.

Entering your room you saw the stack of papers, ‘crap I promised Izou I would finish this’ looking at your bed than at the paperwork once more. Letting out a sigh you walked to the desk and began to review the paperwork. Over looking the paper work careful and you began to fill them out. About a hour passed you felt eyes becoming heavy. ‘No.. stay up! You have to get this done.’ slapping your cheeks and shaking your head you began to focus on the paper work once more. Few mins passed you couldn't fight it anymore, you closed your eyes, your head laid on the desk.

Few hours past Thatch made you something to eat since you missed lunch. Walking to the quarts you both shared, as he opened the door. He seen the bed was empty but looking over at the desk you hunched over. Small frown was on his face, letting out a low sigh. He placed the food on the dresser walking towards you. Carefully picking your up and carrying you to the bed. Seeing your eyes slightly peak open you didn't get a words out as thatch spoke “_____  I told you, you needed rest…..” Thatch spoke in a lower tone, as he laid you in the bed.

“I’m sorry… I just wanted to get that done first….” feeling the guilt eating you up on the inside. “I’m sorry i disappointed you.

“Enough talk like that… Your not a disappointment ever.” Thatch seeing the guilt seeming to take over you. “I know you want to do everything and anything we all appreciate that, but if its going to cause you to burn yourself out I dont want that for you.” Thatch sat at the edge of the his finger combing through your hair. “You have done outstanding work on the ship, You’ve always have. I understand you don’t see you do alot but you’ve done more work than half of the people on the ship.”

Small smile placing on your lips. “Thank you thatch.”

A smooth smile on Thatch’s lips “I mean it _______ every word.I  want you to get some rest, proper rest.”

“Okay… is it okay if you could lay down with me for a while?” asking him.Scooting over as Thatch laid right next to you, he himself bringing you closer to him.

“I’m going to have to watch you like a hawk and make sure your dont overwhelm yourself _____.” Thatch kissing the top of your head “Also you will have to make it up to your commander since you didnt follow my orders in the first place.”

“Is that the commander talking or my boyfriend?” Slightly chuckling

“Both, so get some rest, you will need it.” Thatch did a throat chuckle.

Tagging: @undercoverweeeb @fireflykaizoku @kristaline2dmensimp

[captainpikeachu]

Steve & John: shared similarities

People have talked endlessly about Steve and John’s differences that made Steve worthy of the shield and John not worthy (plenty of gifsets are all about that), but for me, the contrast of their personalities and how they handle things only really work because the two characters actually share many similarities at their core. And I don’t just mean because superficially they are both blond haired blue eyed white dudes with military experience. 

So in this post, I’m going to talk about the ways Steve and John are much more alike than people would like to admit.

---------------------------------

1. Shy down-turned smile (also Imposter Syndrome)

Steve always had this shy/nervous downturned smile when someone took a genuine interest in him, and no doubt much of that came from how often he was looked down upon before his transformation. So he’s genuinely surprised/pleased that someone is interested, and a little nervous too. Because even if he is the big strong man now physically, I think there is always that bit of imposter syndrome with Steve where he still thinks of himself as the scrawny kid from Brooklyn and not this big tall hero that people see him as. John when he gets teases from his wife and his best friend in those locker room scenes does this same shy downturned smile, as if he’s still that nervous anxious high school kid with a lot of expectations on his shoulders, a side that he doesn’t really present to anyone but the people he trusts to let his guard down with because John also has a huge case of imposter syndrome as his past experiences and trauma doesn’t make him feel so strong and qualified and heroic. Everyone may call him the hero, but in his heart, he doesn’t feel like the perfect righteous hero that people expects or sees him as. 

2. Discomfort with their public roles + Just want to do the job

Steve was notably uncomfortable being thrown into the USO tours. It’s not what he wanted, it’s not what he intended. He felt like a dancing monkey, performing for people instead of doing the things that he wanted to do to actually help people. And while he reluctantly accepted that all the autographs and fake smiles and acting and fame was part of the job, all he really wanted to do was actually do the real job and save lives, to have the chance to make a difference and do the right thing. This same sentiment is echoed by John, who is equally as uncomfortable being placed into a public role that he clearly does not want to be in. He’s a soldier used to serving a silent and thankless role, we see his discomfort with publicity in his GMA interview, and we see it later in the show when strangers come for autographs. Yes, like Steve, he has accepted this is part of being Captain America, but he doesn’t want it, he just wants to be able to do his job, complete his mission, and keep everyone safe.

3. Loyalty to their loved ones

Steve will always come for the people he loves, he will always stand by them, he will fight for them and die for them. Numerous times now Steve has been willing to risk everything to protect Bucky or anyone else that he cares about, even if no one else is willing, even if the world is against him or his own life is on the line. John carries that same loyalty for the people who matter to him. When Lemar is taken by the Flag Smashers, John’s immediate concern isn’t even about the mission or his job, it’s getting Lemar back. When they were fighting on top of the trucks in Episode 2, when Lemar’s life was in danger, John puts himself at a disadvantage to take a shot at the guy holding Lemar even though it leaves himself open to attack and nearly kicked off the truck roof. And then he throws the shield to cover Lemar’s landing despite it would leave him weaponless as a regular non-powered person to face off a super soldier. Steve and John would both do anything for the people they love.

4. Self-sacrificing

We’ve seen Steve willing to throw himself on the grenade, so to speak, time and time again. He did it in his first film to send the plane into the water. He does it for Bucky in Winter Soldier. And not to mention actually jumping on grenades, even if that ended up being a test. Steve’s instinct to throw himself in danger and sacrifice for others is well documented, but John matches that self sacrificing instinct as well. He’s jumped on grenades before as an active duty soldier. He has three Medals of Honor that would only be earned through willing to sacrifice himself above and beyond the call of duty to save others. And even in the final fight in Episode 6, we see him fighting off the Flag Smashers while trying to pull that truck up even if the Flag Smashers pull him over the ledge. When push comes to shove, Steve and John’s instincts are to jump into danger to shield others with their lives, no hesitation. They both would see it as their duty. 

5. “I can do this all day”

This is Steve’s signature line. He doesn’t give up, he can keep standing up to fight for what he believes in, whether against bullies, Red Skull, Tony, the government, Thanos, and even a version of himself. Steve is resilient and his endurance goes beyond just his physical abilities. He has the heart to keep fighting, the stubborn tenacity to never give up even when all seems lost. Yet John has that same stubborn tenacity that Steve has. Those three Medals of Honor are proof of that. You’d have to be able to walk through hell to even get one medal, much less three. The mental endurance required to keep going would have been enormous. And even after Sam and Bucky broke his arm in that warehouse, John got back up and tried to keep fighting, they had to bash him into unconsciousness to even stop him. And even then he went on to forge his own shield and got back into the fight. Much like Steve, he doesn’t know when to give up. 

6. Lying (in an attempt to protect themselves and others)

Steve lied to Tony about the truth of his parents’ death. He knew and he kept silent, lying by omission, and he was going to keep lying until Tony finally confronted him for a simple clear answer. Steve even admits that he thought by not saying anything, he was sparing Tony, but he realizes that he was really sparing himself. It was a selfish choice, one born not out of malice, but perhaps a misguided attempt to keep the peace, thinking if the truth isn’t out there then maybe any conflict is unnecessary and everyone can have their peace of mind. And that same line of thinking is what drives John’s lies to Lemar’s family too. A part of him wants to spare them further pain, because what good would come from telling them that their son/brother’s killer is still out there and that he failed to stop them? He wanted to spare them, he wanted to give them closure and peace in their grief, to not burden them with an open ended story with no justice. But he was also sparing himself, because he’s afraid admitting the truth that he didn’t kill the person directly responsible might lead to Lemar’s family hating him and he’d lose them and his last connection to Lemar. This is not a decision of malice, this is a decision born from fear. Steve and John both lie in trying to spare others from pain but also selfishly spare themselves from the further conflict that the truth may cause. 

----------------------------------

In a way, yes, John was designed to be a darker mirror to Steve (less solid morality, less emotional control), but that darker mirror only works when they share some core similarities. Their differences are in how those traits can manifest outward into different actions.

Perhaps shockingly, I think Steve would have understood John and his choices more than most, and may have been able to talk him off the ledges better anyone else besides Lemar, and maybe with some more understanding guidance, John might have made for a good Captain America. After all, Steve did say once say in that letter to Tony, “I know you’re doing what you believe in, and that’s all any of us can do, that’s all any of us should.”

[lyricalvillain]

TFaWS Spoilers Below!

Okay. Okay. Can we frigging talk about Falcon and Winter Soldier stuff real quick? Cause like... I'm blown away by all the emotional stuff going on here. I am loving where this is going so far and the intense issues the characters are struggling with and how wonderful the Actors are doing right now.

Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie)

Anthony Mackie is a national treasure. I love his portrayal of Sam Wilson. He does an astounding job. He has such an expressive face and he uses it to break my heart.

His character is going through a lot right now. He just got back from being dead for five years. People mourned him, his family mourned him. He is trying to reintegrate himself into the world and his loved one's lives. Which is even harder when there's a five year gap of missing time to account for. Right away in Ep1 he's given shit from a banker about that five year gap in employment. (Which, excuse me sir who raised you???)

All while coming to terms with the fact that Steve is gone. Steve is gone and he dropped this monumental legacy onto Sam's shoulders.

And Sam felt he didn't fit that role, felt like he was standing in this massive shadow cast by what people expected from Steve (and now what they expect from Sam). His speech about needing new heros, and letting the shield rest because noone could live up to Steve-- wonderful. Beautifully delivered. Mackie is killing it portraying Sam. Just. A++

And the cinematography in that moment. The massive image of Steve looming over Sam. Really pushing how Sam feels in that moment.

He felt that the shield, the legacy, the title belonged to someone else. He had his own name, his own legacy that he was building. His own identity. I can see how he wouldn't want to give up being Falcon and pick up Steve's shield.

But that made the end of ep announcement of the new Captain America all the more heart wrenching, like seriously I wanted to cry. Because Sam trusted that the shield and uniform would be kept at the museum. Trusted that his decision and wishes would be respected. And oh god, how they rolled over that without a seconds hesitation.

The entirety of episode two was just triggering for both of our boys. Sam was constantly being reminded of how he gave up the shield. It’s the first thing Bucky says to him, and it’s the thing Bucky focuses on the most. Sam is probably already furious that this is happening and John Walker isn’t helping that either.

“It would be easier if I had Cap’s wingmen to back me up.”

Sam’s reaction to this was very telling. He was with the guy up until this point it seemed. As soon as he said this, Sam left. And I think it has a lot to do with him having his own autonomy as a hero, his own identity, his own legacy. He is very focused on who is behind the symbol, the person behind the symbol. (I also think Sam may have some Imposter syndrome going on, maybe?) He helped take down Thanos, take down Hydra. He’s put the work in, he's made a name for hinself. So when John says he's put the work in. I feel like that's just insult to injury right there for Sam.

While I doubt John meant any harm, he definitely stuck his foot in his mouth. It seemed like he thought of Bucky and Sam as accessories instead of their own individual people. Like they didn’t have issues and lives outside of being brushed off and put in play for whatever Cap needed them for. 

Sam was with Steve because they were friends, why would he ally himself with John Walker, a man who had taken up the mantle he had tried to lay to rest, a man he didn’t know at all? A man who didn’t know him at all.

And don’t get me started on the cops man, they called for BACKUP. They stopped because they judged someone based on the color of their skin, and the backup arrived as they figured out who they were harassing. Fucking systemic racism, man. (Good job portraying that as well though.)

Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan)

Bucky... God damn. What a mess. Tragic back story to the max, add in a dash of survivors guilt, self worth issues a mile wide. And lets not forget the trust issues. We have those too.

We all know his past, the brainwashed assassin with no real name. Treated like a weapon, stripped of humanity and autonomy.

He was a fugitive for probably about four years spent some more time on ice in Wakanda, and then vanished for five. He comes back to help kick Thanos' butt and then Steve... Just leaves him to live his life in the past. For Steve it's been a long time. Steve lived through those five years without Sam or Bucky. But for Bucky it was only yesterday that they had been fighting to stop Thanos. He hasn't been able to integrate properly into society. He only had Steve and by extension Sam.

So now he's left to integrate on his own. Steve was his anchor, and he's adrift in the future where he only consistently talks to his therapist and a man who's son he murdered.

He is not okay.

In episode one and two we see just how not okay he is. He's mired in his past, clinging to the vestiges of his combat experience and skill set he picked up as the winter soldier. Sam tells him he's not a spy anymore and Bucky fights to be able to help, to feel relevant again.

Hes so focused on Steve's shield. I like to think its partially because of what Steve's trust symbolized to him, and also because it's tied so closely with Steve's memory that seeing someone, that Steve didn't give it to, wield it bugs him. Steve's last wish was for Sam to pick up the title.

The revelation that he was trying so hard because Steve believed in him broke my heart. Especially once he started doubting that faith his friend had in him.

"What was rule two again, Doc?"

Nobody gets hurt. But I wonder if bucky was implying that he has been hurt. I mean probably, Sam said some hurtful things, they both did. And they're both snarky and defensive. Still Bucky will help Sam, because even though they argue and fight, they're friends, united in grief and trauma. I just have so many feelings about my boys guys.

John Walker (Wyatt Russell)

I’m not gonna lie I expected to hate John, in fact the ending of the first episode just begs you to hate him. I don’t love him. But surprisingly I also definitely don’t hate him. He is a giant dumbass though.

So firstly, this dude is from the comics, he’s eventually  known as U.S. Agent.

He operates within the confines of the law, and is basically the government’s lap dog at this point. Whereas Steve, as Captain America, had gone against orders multiple times, against the law even, to do what he thought was right. Despite the obvious differences in their character so far, there is a parallel we can draw between John and Steve and even John and Sam.

John feels that pressure that Sam felt in Episode one. It’s the first thing he really talks about. He doesn't want to let the people down.

He has been used as a marketing tool very much like Steve. Propaganda posters, the works. He tells his friend (high-school sweetheart?) that he wants to just “do the job” like Steve did. He’s frustrated about being paraded around, surrounded by dancing girls and stuffed in front of cameras.

As irritatingly confident as he seems, there is a lot of doubt and nerves in this guy. He is also… not enhanced. He’s just slightly above average for a human.

“I’m not trying to replace Steve, I’m not trying to be Steve. I’m just trying to be the best Captain America I can be.” This was honesty, there was frustration in the lines. He probably feels overwhelmed, he is reaching out for help from people who knew Cap best and are best equipped to help him take down the Flag Smashers.

Later when he shows up to bail Bucky out, he made a few more mistakes. Firstly, the therapy thing. Ordering his therapy to clear him so he wouldn’t be tied up was just short sighted and selfish. He may have thought he was doing Bucky a favor seeing as the therapy was court mandated, but Bucky NEEDS that therapy. His therapist was the only person he had regular contact with that wasn’t emotionally torturous for him.

Also calling Bucky an asset. DUDE. This man was referred to as “The Asset” for 70 YEARS. He was brainwashed and treated like a thing, didn’t have a name, wasn’t allowed to decide things for himself. So John swooping in and making the decision to “liberate him” from therapy because he was “a valuable asset”? John, buddy, pal. Maybe don’t. Maybe take you “I know what’s best” shtick somewhere else okay?

He knows who these men are, and he’s trying to be helpful and supportive to get them to like him, trust him and work with him. But that’s hard when you don’t KNOW these men and what they’re suffering through. John is just going to trample all over their emotional minefield.

That’s it from me, thanks for reading through my rambling thoughts on fictional characters guys! I'm going to go cry in a corner until next week.

[superthatguy62]

Ingus & “Imposter Syndrome”

Two guesses who today’s character we’re focusing on is and the first two don’t count.

Clearly my newfound interest in Ingus’ mental health is a metaphor for the deterioration of my own. 

When you look at FFIII’s cast, their issues are self-apparent for the most part (at least, if you read the unused text): Luneth is reckless and kind of a jerk because of it. Arc is a coward and is determined to become braver. Refia is rebelling against her father and trying to find her own path in life. However, when you get to Ingus, you don’t see much issues. He doesn’t even have a major arc (and the closest he has to one happens very early in the game compared to the others). Ingus does have an issue though: He seems to suffer from low self-esteem. Not just low self-esteem either: It specifically appears to be “Imposter Syndrome”.

Imposter what?

As per Wikipedia:

“Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"... Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. “

In layman’s terms, when a person doubts their skills to the point where they believe that they’re not actually fit for what people say or think of them. That seems to be the variant that Ingus suffers from.

Mr. Sad Soldier Guy

In the final game, Ingus’ self-esteem issues aren’t brought up often. In the final game, the most notable example is probably this scene:

Thank you, Ingus.

Alternatively, per the Ultimania archive: “No, I...couldn’t have done anything on my own.”

(Keep that line in mind, kids. It’ll be important later.)

That’s really the only time (or the only notable time) this is brought up in the final game.

Not in the unused content, though.

The Cutting Room Floor

Castle Sasune has a bunch of scenes that got axed. Some of these scenes help to contextualize Ingus’ self-esteem problems. There are two in particular that are of interest:

First, prior to leaving for the Sealed Cave, Ingus still hesitates due to fearing that he is an incompetent soldier. Refia gives him a pep-talk, moving him into action:

　%shuyaku4% 「怖いのではない…　自信がないのだ 　私は無能な兵士だったのかもしれない…」

　%shuyaku4%. "It's not that I'm afraid... it's that I'm not sure. 　Maybe I was just an incompetent soldier...

　%shuyaku3% 「だったら今から有能な兵士になるのよ！ 　さあ　行きましょ！」

　%shuyaku3 "Then you'll be a good soldier now! 　Come on, let's go!

The second is sometime after the party returns to Sasune, but before they leave to fulfill their destiny. Ingus and Sara share a moment, which includes this:

　%shuyaku4% 「いえ　私は別に…」 　

　%shuyaku4 "No, I'm not...

　サラ 「…あなたが気に病むことなんか 　何もないのに…」

Sara. There's nothing for you to worry about...

　%shuyaku4% 「…私は呪いを逃れたにもかかわらず 　何もできませんでした… 　サラ姫様でさえお一人で洞窟に 　向かわれたというのに　私は一人でジンに 　立ち向かうことができなかったのです…」

%shuyaku4%. "...even though I escaped the curse. 　I could do nothing... Even Princess Sara went to the cave alone, but I could not face the djinn alone... 　

　サラ 「%shuyaku4%…」

Sara. "%shuyaku4%... 　

Yeah, some self-doubt goin’ on there.

Odin

One of the more unexpected moments, however, comes from Odin; More specifically, after the party defeats him. Ingus muses (bear with me, DeepL really doesn’t like this upcoming wall of text.

　%shuyaku4% 「…伝説の戦士オーディーン　あれほどの 　人物でさえ　悩み苦しんでいたんだな

　%shuyaku4 "...the legendary warrior Odin... even a man of his stature must have been troubled.

　サスーンの一兵士にすぎなかった俺なら 　もっと悩み苦しんだっていいはずだ！ 　そうやって大きくなればいいんだ…」

　If I was just one of Sassoon's soldiers, I should be able to suffer more! 　That's how you grow up...

And then, later:

　%shuyaku2% 「あんな強くて怖そうな人に 　わけもなく戦いを挑まれたら迷惑ですよ…」

　%shuyaku2 "It's annoying to have such a strong and scary-looking person challenge you to a fight for no reason...

　%shuyaku4% 「その恐怖心をバネに戦うことに 　意味があるんじゃないか…」

　%shuyaku4 "There's something to be said for fighting through that fear..."

　ルフィア 「ちぇ…　自分だけ納得しやがって…」

　Lufia. "Damn... you're the only one who's convinced...

The key take away seems to be that Ingus feels that misery builds character and that he feels he hasn’t been troubled enough (?). His allies don’t seem all that convinced though.

Say The Line, Bartz

So, remember that line I said to keep in mind for later?

Yeah, there’s a reason for that: That sentiment, along with similar modesty is SE’s go-to when Ingus shows up in crossovers.

So clearly, SE feels it is a significant part of his character.

And speaking of Brave Exvius, it is notably one of few sources to explicitly state why Ingus was absent from Sasune when the Djinn’s curse hit (outside of MoH, which recycles the original famicom “off on an errand” explanation.):

Ingus is an orphan who was raised as a loyal soldier of King Sasune's army. He is a levelheaded and honest young man who has won the trust of the King, and who has pledged his service to his country. Fortunately, he managed to escape the curse of the Djinn one day when he left the castle to train.

Take that as you will.

In Conclusion

The cause/root of Ingus’ Imposter Syndrome isn’t directly stated in-game, but is very clearly linked with his duties as a soldier. Based on Brave Exvius’ description of why he was out of the castle and his musings on Odin, it’s clear that he’s not as strong a he wishes to be, and the level of praise/respect that everyone else in the castle (including the king) shows him probably makes him feel concerned trying to live up to it.

Or maybe, I’m just reading to heavily into it.

[nicosbrainrot]

knha actors AU got my brain going so here's a hypothetical interview with ikuto's actor

-From an interview with Kosuke Shimoda-

Shimoda, thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me, I'm super excited to talk about the show.

So, you wanna tell us a little bit about Kimi No Hero Academia?

Oh yeah! It's a slice of life that takes place at a school for superpowered kids training to be heros.

Slice of life? With superpowers?

Yeah, it's really interesting to see such a complex world with characters that all have these crazy abilities and just get episodes about high school drama. It's weird but I honestly love it. It's like a lighthearted spin on your typical teen action shows.

Sounds great, and what about the character you're playing?

I'm playing Ikuto Maekawa, he's this kind of reserved kid who you honestly wouldn't think much about until they give you a bit more sight into his character. He's just a really anxious person, has a lot of self doubt, which isn't great when you're aspiring to be a superhero, y'know? I really liked his character cause, in a way, I kinda related to his feelings of inadequacy, like he's not really supposed to be here- this kind of imposter syndrome- it really struck a chord with me. Honestly, I think it's something a lot of people can relate to. I'm really glad I got the part, but it's a pretty different role than I'm used to.

Different in what ways?

Usually I play the more laid back and friendly characters, someone for people to bounce off of. Ikuto is probably the most uptight character I've ever played, I really have to get into a mindset while in-character.

Can you describe that mindset to us?

Ah, well, I basically have to stress myself out. His whole thing is that he acts all calm and collected but he's actually super worried all the time, so there's layers to it. I can't just act calm, but I can't be visibly stressed either, I have to look just ever so slightly like I'm hiding something, and so the easiest thing to do is to just actually stress myself out.

And how do you do that?

Honestly, I just think about all the stuff I normally try not to think about while filming. Everyone watching, the pressure to get it right, not just to get the scene done but to do it well. Not to mention all the people on set who are like- we've got some big names here, and it's a bit overwhelming if I let it be. I'm normally not a nervous person, I'd say, but I kind of have to pull out all this anxious energy in order to get his character right, it's like the opposite of what I normally have to do. [laughing]

Speaking of big names, how are you getting along with your castmates?

Oh, everyone is just great. I mean, if I'm being really honest, I kinda didn't like Hoshizawa's actor at first. Yuno, if you're seeing this, I'm sorry. [laughing] I can say this now cause we're friends, but when we first met I thought they were a bit much. Like, he's as close as you can get to a stereotypical theater kid, it's um- yeah. But at some point after filming he ask if I wanted to go out to lunch some time and I figured, y'know, I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with this bastard, I might as well get to know them, and I was really surprised by how much his energy was different one on one compared to while with the rest of the crew.

So you get along well now?

We- yeah, we get along well I'd say. [laughing] As well as we can. The other person I'm probably closest with is Shishio, she's a sweetheart, I love him. Oh, but don't tell her anything unless you want literally the entire cast finding out, I learned that the hard way.

Oh? You wanna tell us about that?

Uh, no. [laughing] But uh, besides that, I actually really admire Ramos. I know it's... hard- to come out as trans as an actor. I have a lot of respect for him, and I feel like we can kind of relate in a way, and I love what she's doing with her character. Aito was probably my favorite from the manga. I would have auditioned for him but I just- I know I couldn't pull off that role. He's doing it really well though and I love working with her. I mess around with him sometimes, I feel like I have to, to make up for the hell she gives my character, you'll see in the first season, they have a really interesting dynamic.

You mess around with him? How?

I'll steal her props sometimes, specifically the horns because he forgets about them all the time anyway. She doesn't- she doesn't even fucking notice [laughing] until at least halfway through a scene. I don't know if he's figured out it's me yet, so- I mean, I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not. This is my cosmic justice for Aito being a little shit. [laughing]

We'll look forward to seeing their dynamic on screen.

I hope so.

Do you have any final words before we wrap things up?

Yeah, watch the show! It's gonna be great, I promise. Kimi No Hero Academia, it's coming out this summer.

[forclosetedtransboys]

i appreciate your answer to the question about labels

but i feel you didn’t answer the main question - how do you tell the difference between imposter syndrome about your gender vs feeling incongruent because that isn’t your gender

do you have any advice for this?

Thanks for letting us know that we didn’t answer the question. Here is the original question that I will aim to answer this time:

uh how can you tell the difference between imposter syndrome and “that’s not me”

how can i tell if i’m nb, or just a trans man with imposter syndrome about being a “real man”?

or if i’m trans at all? since apparently i’d have to be convincing myself of my gender either way

i’m so worried i’m gonna claim an identity that’s not mine

Imposter syndrome would be more of a “I’m not ___ enough to be ___,” if I am not mistaken. Officially, according to fairygodboss.com among other websites, signs of imposter syndrom include: “

- a lack of self-confidence

- anxiety

- doubts about your thoughts, abilities, achievements and accomplishments

- negative self talk

- feelings of inadequacy 

- dwelling on past mistakes and not feeling good enough.

 I can definitely see your worry about “claiming an identity that’s not” yours, which is perfectly valid. You don’t want to invalidate anyone else. But, chances are, you’re not actually invalidating them. If you experiment with they/them pronouns, you’re not discrediting non-binary people. Most NB people I know would in fact encourage you to try them out and to see if they fit. 

Oftentimes when we feel alone or unappreciated, we can go looking for things like labels that describe how we may be feeling. So if you suddenly don’t feel “man enough” (more on that later), you may look for reasons for this. 

Masculinity has many different explanations, it is something that is unique to every individual. As a trans man I honestly don’t know how to describe it, it’s just what I am. I went through many labels including different non-binary labels, but found he/him to bring me the most joy. Which pronouns bring you joy? They can even be more than one. You might try he/they pronouns for a little bit.

You have NO quota that you have to fill to “be a man.” You don’t have to like specific things, you don’t have to feel certain ways, you don’t have to contain years of toxic masculinity that you refuse to get rid of. If you are a man, you just are. I don’t make the rules. And that’s the same with being ANY OTHER GENDER. Non binary people don’t have to be androgynous, they are allowed to present in whatever bloody way they want. It doesn’t matter if you’re a seven-foot-tall muscled person with an untameable beard - if you’re NB, you’re NB, and your pronouns are to be respected without question.

Unfortunately, I cannot just tell you if you are trans or non-binary: that’s out of my powers. But I can help you uncover more specifically what (along with Imposter Syndrome) could be causing you to doubt your gender identity. 

I am more than happy for you to privately message me @thatshortdudety and work through this with you (your identity is completely safe with me), or continue on anonymous on the blog. Or perhaps this is all the depth you wanted and will be happy to be on your own from here. Whatever your thoughts may be, I will support you.

Stay safe!

- Ty

[psychedellic-phase]

Sanctuary

A/N: i loved this fic request! Requests are always open :)

Summary: Reader is having a bad case of imposter syndrome, but luckily her boyfriend knows just how to help.

tw: none, pure fluff      word count: 2.1k

masterlist

You sat at the kitchen table, head in your hands, staring at your laptop screen. It’s like it was taunting you, lines and lines of words and symbols mocking your inability to fix them. All you had to do was find the error in the code, a task you’ve done a million times. But this time it seemed utterly impossible. The software was due in two days and it was your first solo project and you wanted to impress everyone, finally prove your worth to the company. The pressure was on and it had to be perfect. You needed it to be perfect. But it wasn’t even close to perfect. In fact, every time you launched it, it crashed; leaving you to stare at your reflection in the screen, making you want to give up and cry. 

You knew how to fix it, you always know how to fix it. You’re who everyone comes to to fix it, but you were too nervous to even begin typing. If you failed, you’d be proving everyone who doubted you right. The thought made you nauseous. You’d be proving that every misogynistic a-hole teacher you had in college who said ‘software isn’t a woman’s job’ to you right. All the men at the startup would chuckle at your failure and say something rude like ‘see? that’s what we get for letting a woman do the work.’ You’d be ruining the chances of any other woman who interviewed. Most of all you were terrified of failing and letting yourself down, letting everything you worked for go to waste. Maybe everyone was right; software isn’t a woman’s job. Deep down you knew you were being irrational, but the thoughts just wouldn’t stop. 

You kept staring into the abyss of numbers and symbols, going through every letter in every line. Was it in HTML? JAVASCRIPT? Neither? Suddenly you couldn’t tell the difference. 

“Y/N?” Your boyfriend said opening the front door of your shared apartment, “What are you doing up? It’s 1 am.”

You didn’t look up at Spencer, too fixated in trying to decipher your work to acknowledge him. How was it already 1 am? You’d been sitting there for hours and had done nothing.  

Spencer waved his hand in front of your face, “Y/N?”

No response, you just stared into the code getting more and more hypnotized by it, entering some sort of strange trance. 

“Y/N!” He said more forcefully this time, causing you to blink and look up at him. 

“What?” 

“What are you so stressed about?”

You broke eye contact then and brought your lower lip in between your teeth, “Stressed? I’m not stressed!”

A lie. A very obvious lie. Which Spencer knew, because reading you like a book was high on his never-ending list of talents. 

“Really? You’re not stressed?” He sounded half amused. 

You shook your head, “Nope, never been more calm in my life.”

He chuckled, “Then maybe you should stop chewing on your lip and lower your shoulders, they’re practically at your ears.” He moved behind you and pressed his hands against your shoulders, lowering them for you. He took his thumbs and rubbed the knots that formed there, “Now, Angel, tell me, what are you so stressed about?”

Again, you didn’t answer. He thought he’d catch your attention by using your favorite term of endearment, but instead you just turned your attention back to the screen. 

Spencer didn’t understand, he never would. If you google ‘genius’ a picture of Dr. Spencer Reid is what comes up. With an IQ of 187, the ability to read 20,000 words per minute, three doctorate degrees and three bachelors degrees all by the ripe old age of 30, there is quite literally nothing he can’t do. Except maybe ten push ups, he could probably get to 9. He was a child prodigy and CalTech graduate. You went to public school and a college with a 70% acceptance rate. He was recruited to the FBI at twenty-two. When you were the same age you were a college senior getting trashed at a different bar every Thirsty Thursday. He spends his work days catching killers and saving lives, and you spend yours typing away at a computer hoping something works out. 

Being with him was simultaneously the best and worst thing for your self esteem. Sure he made you feel loved, appreciated, beautiful, important, but he also made you feel stupid. Not on purpose of course, it just seemed like he was  better than you at everything, even the things you thought you were best at. Thank god he’s a technophobe, if he knew his way around a computer better than you that would be the last straw. Oftentimes you wondered why he even wanted to be with you when you so clearly were not on his level, and when there are so many people who are. He’s smart and handsome and could have his pick of the bunch, so why did he pick you? 

“You know, 83% of workers in the US feel stressed out in their jobs, it’s totally normal. I’m stressed all the time at my job,” He said, trying to coax you out of the shell you crawled into. It didn’t work, instead you went through the lines of code again mumbling to yourself that it looked perfect, so what was wrong with it? 

“Can I help? Let me see,” He asked. He didn’t wait for a response, and reached over to turn your laptop towards him. 

“No!” You yelped, and snatched the laptop away from him. You couldn’t have him help you, you couldn’t let anyone help you. If anyone helped you then it wouldn’t be your achievement. This was one thing you had to do alone. 

He sighed and put his hands up in defeat, “Alright alright, I know I’m not a computer whiz. I just want to help.”

“I don’t need your help,” You snapped, getting frustrated with him now. Why couldn’t he just let it go? Why did he always have to try and help? You knew the answer was because he loves you and wants to make you happy, but your judgement was too clouded to see that. You huffed out angrily, trying to suppress the hot, frustrated tears that were threatening to spill over.  

Spencer slid into the chair next to you and gripped your shoulder, “Y/N...Ang—”

You turned to him and cut him off, “What? You think I can’t do this on my own? Don’t you?”

He just took the jab in his stride. “I know you can do it on your own,” he grabbed your hands from the keyboard and held them between his, forcing you to stop for a moment and just be with him.

“Talk to me.”

You waited a moment before conceding, “Okay fine, the software is due in two days and I’ve been working on it for weeks and it still isn’t perfect. Something is wrong with it and I can’t find it and if I can’t fix it then I’m just proving to everyone that I can’t handle this job and that I’m stupid and incapable of doing anything on my own and then I’ll get fired because there’s newer, smarter kids coming into tech everyday and all the men at work will never take another girl seriously again and then after I get fired and end up homeless you’ll realize that I’m actually stupid and useless and that you can do it wayyyy better than me an—”

“Woah slow down,” He interrupted your rambling. You were staring at the floor, hands still trapped between his two much larger ones rendering you useless. He let you go, hands coming up to your cheeks and forcing you to look at him. They  were calloused but soft, and his eyes demanded your attention, darting all over your face to read your expression. He poked his tongue out of the right side of his mouth, the same way he has a hundred times. You softened a little into his touch. 

“I think you have imposter syndrome.”

You pulled back, “What? Don’t you dare try to diagnose me or profile me Spencer Reid.”

He ignored you and started into his own ramble, much like the one you had just finished, “It’s a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. It was first documented in the 70s by successful working women who felt like they had ‘fooled’ everyone into thinking they were intelligent.”

You looked at him even weirder now, your eyebrows scrunching together, “Oh?”

“It’s very common in the tech industry because of how fast paced it is.” He said it all so matter-of-factly. 

“I-I don’t think so. That’s not me.”

“Think about it Y/N. It makes sense!” 

It did. It made perfect sense. It explained the constant questioning and anxiety. It explained why you don’t ask for help or offer up an opinion at meetings. It explained why you had jumped from failing a project to being homeless like it was the natural progression of things. A ‘diagnosis’, if you even could call it that, should’ve made you feel better about everything, but it didn’t. 

“I just feel like I don’t deserve anything I have. I-I don’t even know how I got here Spence! Like how did I manage to convince everyone that I’m talented enough to do this on my own!”

He let the words marinate between you. Then it all clicked in your head; you sounded exactly like those women in the 70s. 

“You just proved my point, Angel.”

You glared at him, “Okay here’s another example. I don’t deserve you. You just got home from a long day of saving lives and being a genius crime fighting machine and instead of getting some damn sleep you have to console me because I’m over here crying like an idiot because some code won’t run.”

Spencer’s hand came under your chin, forcing you to look at him again, “You don’t know how much you do for me, do you?”

You just shook your head, genuinely not knowing what he meant. 

He smiled, the corner of his mouth turning up just a little, “Yes I am a life-saving crime-fighting genius, but without you I wouldn’t be able to cope.”

“Really?” You sniffled. 

“Yeah, Angel, really. I spend all day looking pure evil in the face, and without you to come home to and talk to I’d be trapped in my head all day, thinking of what I could’ve done better. You’re my safe space. Without you I’d probably go insane,” He tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear. 

You smiled now. You believed him; Spencer isn’t one to lie, “And you’d have no social life.”

He laughed, “Hey! I’d have a social life.”

“Who? Henry and Jack?”

He laughed, “You’re right, I’d have no social life.”

You stood up then and he followed suit. You threw your arms around his slender frame and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Spencer’s shaggy brown hair tickled your cheek but you didn’t mind. All that mattered was his heartbeat and breathing. You were his sanctuary, and he was yours. When either one of you would dive head first into the deep end, the other would be waiting there to catch you. Tonight it was his turn. 

And catch you he did, into a loving kiss, holding you close to him. When you pulled away he planted another kiss on your forehead and mumbled into your hair, “Trust me, you keep the internet world running. Without you we’d all be lost.”

You sighed and thanked him, happily sitting in front of the laptop now. All your fears had been pushed away. You knew they would resurface eventually, but right now it felt like you were unstoppable. With two simple corrections you tried to run the code and it worked perfectly. 

“See!” He cheered, squeezing your shoulders again, “You deserve the world, Angel.”

You stood up and jumped into his arms for another hug, wrapping your legs around his waist, his arms holding you up.

“You may be a life-saving, crime-fighting genius Dr. Reid, but I am a bad-ass, intelligent, woman who codes at the top of a male dominated field.”

He smiled then, pride practically beaming out of him, “Well, I’d say we’re a perfect match.”

[do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas]

My gender, i fucking guess

Ok, so I haven't mentioned this yet, but for the past what, two weeks? A week? I've been thinking about gender - as in my own.

So to sum up my thoughts, I've started down this train of thought about how I view myself, cause like... I enjoy being called a young woman. It makes me feel proud to being called a young lady or a lady. But... why? Am I proud of being called these things cause I'm an adult now? How would I feel of being casually called handsome? A gentleman?

I start overthinking, going down a rabbit hole of doubts and thoughts about how if I am a cis woman. Cause what even is gender dysphoria, or gender euphoria?

Wow, this sent me down a tailspin. But, I just kept this in the back of my mind when I realized I was spiraling down into self-doubt and way too much questioning.

God, I love labels too much.

But... I had an idea just now.

My neurodivergency.

So basically, I was thinking about me being autistic and ADHD, and I was casually thinking about my struggles with social talking and societal rules while watching Whose Line (I know, perfect time to have a gender crisis). This made me think about how - unfathomable social rules are, how we have this strange sense of rules without really understanding why this should be (which is mostly because of society's and its white supremacy and patriarchy).

"Don't put elbows on the table, don't run your hands through your hair." "Why?" "Cause it's rude." "Cause it makes you look stuck-up." Really? Why? Like, genuinely, how is this possible?

This made me come up with my epiphany just now: gender is incomprehensible.

This is why I'm able to "get" things like gender jokes about your gender being a food or people's advice and experiences on gender nonconformity. I always felt weird about understanding it or even relating to it cause I feel like I have to do a thing like "I'm cis but this is relatable", but maybe there's a reason about me being able to "get" other's experiences with gender.

So with this idea, I think I understand what I've been thinking about: gender doesn't exist for me. Like, straight up, the concept is as unfathomable as me comprehending a time before time itself. All I know is what others have told me and how I "see" gender: there is biological male and female, there are pronouns you can use, there are different ways you can present yourself, there are multiple labels to define yourself with like nonbinary, trans, demi, fluid, etc. And I think not only does this help me understand my thoughts around "gender", but it also helps me with things like changing pronoun vocab and to stop thinking of the people I knew as their assigned gender.

Just... gender doesn't exist for me. The names exist and how people present themselves of course exist, but like... what is gender, to me? It's nothing.

I guess, by literal definition, this makes me autigender (if there's another term for someone's neurodivergency making them think of their own gender a different way, let me know). But do I think of myself as trans?

Hm.

I think it's like with my thought process about calling myself sapphic: I know logically and emotionally I'm panromantic, but spiritually, like with my heart and brain, I might be more attracted to woman. I don't want to say I'm gay or a lesbian cause I'm not personally gay: sapphic is a term that's general, something that says I like women, no matter what my sexual attraction is.

So I believe I'm with that about my gender: I know in my brain and heart that I'm a woman, cause that's who I am personally (though I wouldn't mind being called handsome or a gentleman - why not, who cares, I don't believe in gender!!), though I suppose that according to what I've been talking about, I'm nonbinary, by literal definition. Or maybe agender. Hm.

Though I'm still scared. Yes, I know, anyone whose trans is trans and you don't have to "prove" yourself to be a certain kind of trans person. But I'm still nervous about saying I might be trans, like a kind of imposter syndrome. Am I really trans? Would I be taking what isn't mine if I relate to gender jokes or make my own? I still feel like I'm fiercely a woman and stand by all my fellow woman, is that not right? I'm not exactly looking for sympathy or reassurance, just kinda spurting this out into the world.

Hm.

I guess... I'm gonna take a deep dive into the nonbinary tag and blogs. I want to really examine my own views on me being a woman and how I view my gender, cause I feel weird calling myself any kind of trans labels cause they all revolve around gender - cause what even is it in the first place?

Hm.

[mandrs-writes]

My Writing Advice

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. I vividly remember writing stories about my dog way back when I was seven years old. And when I was eleven I was bold enough to think I could write my own novel and sent drafts to my older cousin for editing. Writing was my life, my escape, my passion. And it still is. But I haven’t always had a good relationship with it.

When I turned thirteen, I struggled severely with undiagnosed depression and anxiety. High school was terrible for me. All that passion I felt for writing? Gone. It wasn’t until I was older, that I was diagnosed with depression and began taking antidepressants. At the time, I was attending college to become a nurse, which was literally just a crapshoot because I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. Finally though, I came to the realization again that English, or writing, was more my passion. So I changed majors.

I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English literature with a focus in creative writing. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wow! You probably wrote a lot during college!” Wrong. While I did write a lot of thesis papers, did a short stint in poetry, I think I wrote one short story for my fiction workshop. But other than that? Nothing. I don’t know when it happened, but I developed a severe fear of writing.

What is a fear of writing, you ask? Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is, I would write something and get literal anxiety over it because I hated it that much. I would agonize over every little detail until I was ripping my hair out. I despised my writing, something I used to be so passionate about, it was now something that caused me great distress.

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, as some of you know, I am now a very active fanfic writer for ereri. I update roughly two fics a week and sometimes I sprinkle a one shot in there if I’m feeling sassy. So how did someone like me, someone who used to agonize over my writing, go from hating every detail of it, to sometimes pumping out roughly 10k words a week and actually enjoy my writing?

While I am no expert on writing, I want to share my advice, regardless. I’ve come into contact with so many great writers who I know struggle with similar things that I once did, and sometimes still do (I’m far from perfect). Here are some tips I have when it comes to writing. I hope it helps:

Get in the right headspace. Clear your area of any and all distractions. Lock yourself out of social media, turn off your phone, kick your significant other out of the house— whatever that looks like for you, just create the perfect space for you to create. Any distractions could easily pull you out of your creative mindset and ruin your flow. I personally always work in my living room, away from my desktop because I just know I’ll play video games if I try to write in my office. I find the perfect playlist for the scene I’m writing (I seriously have so many playlists for writing. If you don’t have Spotify premium for playlist making, I seriously suggest you get it), sometimes put a Pinterest aesthetic board up in the background, and just get to it. My fiancé knows when I’m writing not to bother me and he stays in the other room. Make sure you establish clear boundaries with your housemates when you’re writing. Interruptions can sometimes not be pretty. 

Once you’re in the right headspace, JUST WRITE! Seriously, I know it sounds like a no brainer, but it’s a lot easier said than done. Whatever is in your head, just write it out. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, silly or irrelevant. Just write it. Writing and editing are two very different beasts, and when you’re in writing mode you need to focus ONLY on writing. Again, I know this sounds very obvious, but I know from experience that this is much harder than it sounds. My best suggestion is to find a writing partner to do sprints with. Set a timer for 20 minutes and see how much you can write in that time frame. When you’re writing with a friend, it becomes a challenge to see who can write the most in that 20 minute time. You’d be surprised what you can do in that short amount of time. And what you write might actually be amazing! I know I’ve surprised myself on more than one occasion writing like this.

Keep editing and writing separate. I mentioned this earlier but it’s so important that you do this. Our brains work differently when we edit and write. When we write, we put our heads into a creative mindset where we are inspired to create and expand on new ideas. However, when we edit, our brain slips into an analytical mindset which is great for critiquing and finding errors but TERRIBLE for creation! That’s why you MUST keep these two things separate. Believe me, I know this is hard to do. I used to be SO SO SO bad at this. I would write a paragraph, go back and read it, edit it, and rip it apart. My confidence would be shot, and I wouldn’t be able to write anything else for that session. Eventually, I forced myself out of this bad habit with lots and lots of practice (again, writing sprints are AMAZING for this!). You might think that what you’re writing isn’t any good and you might be itching to go back and read it and fix it. But I assure it, it’s probably A LOT better than you think it is. Leave it alone. Let it sit. And when you’ve finished writing your chapter, let it sit even longer. Don’t touch it for another 12 hours. I’m serious. When you have a fresh pair of eyes and your brain is in the analytical mindset, THAT’S when you should be editing. 

Always carry something with you to write your ideas down. Whether it’s your phone or notebook and pen, always be ready to write down an idea! Sometimes a juicy idea or thought will come to you at an unexpected time like in the shower, while you’re driving, or while you’re trying to fall asleep. That idea WANTS to be written down! Whenever I’m laying in bed, thinking about my stories, I’ll grab my phone and write down a line or phrase or idea that pops into my head. It might not make sense, but my brain is trying to get it out on paper so that’s exactly what I do. I might not use it, but at least it’s there if it does end up being good!

Find a friend/beta reader to read your stuff. And I’m not just saying this for editing purposes. No, I’m saying this for confidence purposes. I’ve always struggled with self-doubt. Like I said before, I struggle severely with depression and anxiety, and sometimes I get into really bad slumps with my writing where I think I’m the worst writer there ever was. My imposter syndrome flares up and I wonder what the hell I’m even doing with myself. Luckily, I have a friend and beta reader who refuses to let me falter when times are hard. And maybe we don’t beta read each other’s works in a traditional sense (I don’t really know how a normal beta reader behaves, to be honest). What I do know is, my friend will leave interactive comments throughout my whole chapter, commenting on what she likes, what she thinks works really well or what could be better. Having her interact with my chapter and tell me what is good and what isn’t, significantly boosts my confidence and makes me feel loads better about my writing. Honestly, if it wasn’t for her, I probably would’ve given up on writing by now. But it’s reassuring knowing my number one fan is always rooting for me on the sidelines. Get yourself a fan that roots for you, too.

There’s no such thing as too many ideas. I always hear people say ‘I have too many ideas. I don’t know what to do with them’. I know what you can do with them… WRITE THEM DOWN, SILLY. If you have inspiration for an idea, WRITE IT. I know you might feel like you have too many projects and that might stress you out. And if you are stressed by the amount of wips you have then maybe you should set some aside. But if you feel a great amount of inspiration for a new idea when you already have another idea in the works, write it anyway. Whatever you do, do not squander that inspiration! That idea wants to be written. Even if you don’t think you’ll do anything with it, it’s great practice and if the inspiration is there, it should be relatively easy to get the idea out on paper. I’ve written multiple chapter fics before because I had so much inspiration for the idea and then never posted them. I was so overcome with inspiration that I just NEEDED to write them. So I did. Maybe I’ll go back to them and finish them one day when the inspiration strikes me. And if I don’t, that’s okay. It’s good practice to listen to your inspiration and use it as it comes. Stifling your inspiration will only hurt you in the long run.

That’s pretty much all the advice I’ve got. This might be a little rambly and I’m sorry for that. I literally was just thinking about this last night and wanted to get my thoughts out so that I could maybe help some people that are in similar situations that I once was a year ago. If you want to write, but you don’t think you can, just do it anyway. Writing takes practice. It’s not something you can master on the first go. It took me almost a year to find my writing voice and I’m still developing it as I go. Don’t get discouraged. If this is something you want, you can do it! Just write!