#not my about to go on a rant about how almost everyone I know irl

[reiding-writing]

erotomania [ s.r ]

04 - confession

Summary:

The escalation of your situation was something you’d never expected to happen, and whilst it’s sure to leave you with mental scars, you’re grateful that you get a happy ending.

WARNINGS: hostage situation, mentions of guns, critical self-induced bodily harm, lots of emotions

pairing: spencer reid x gn!bau!reader

genre: ANGST, hurt/comfort, fluff

wc: 5.6k

main masterlist!!

a/n: and with that, erotomania comes to an end. a massive thank you to everyone who joined me through this series and for my irls for letting me rant to you about it all the time 😭 i hope you all enjoyed reading this series as much as i enjoyed writing it! <33

series masterlist!!

01-exhortations, 02-avoidance, 03-revelations, 04-confession

taglist (slashed blogs couldn’t be tagged):

@starzqzi @duhduck @liveitdoll @alovesongtheywrote @bumblebea-xo @wolfstar-17 @yoonglestime @summerknights @spencer-reid-obsessed @rebloggiest-reblogger @blackbeautyiloveyouso @quackie15 @holymusicalmothman @haileycannotcometothephonern @wittle-bunny420 @yeonalie @shadowsmusical @user9170557484 @takethetongue @flowersfromautumn @minhosdoormat @hpstuff244444 @idocarealot @busy-buzzing @ilikefictionalmen @bunbunblOgs @luvmgg

“The stalker isn’t Riley,” His voice sent an almost visible tremor up JJ’s back.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

JJ returned from the phone call with a small clearing of her throat, silently beckoning for you to join her in the next room over, a secret burning in her eyes.

“Is everything alright?” You tilt you head a little at her, Rachel’s hand still placed in your lap giving your leg a small squeeze, her expression feigning concern as she joined you in looking over at JJ.

“Is it Riley?” Rachel’s tone was reasonably believable, although JJ couldn’t help but notice how her expression didn’t quite reach her eyes, and equipped with her new knowledge it made her feel increasingly uneasy.

“Can you join me in the other room please?” JJ’s expression told you that whatever she had just learned over the phone was serious, and so you gave her an immediate nod as you began to push yourself up from the sofa, only to be caught by a hand on your wrist. “Wait, don't go; if this is about Riley, I want to know too."

JJ pursed her lips together, her fingers tightening around the phone in her hand as she consciously made sure to keep her voice calm and collected. “Miss Fontana, i’m afraid that what I have to say is confidential, I can’t tell you what it is.”

Rachel turned her head towards you instead, as if beckoning you to take her side over JJ’s. “I’m sorry Rachel, just give me a second alright? If it’s anything important about Riley i’ll let you know,”

Rachel, seemingly driven by an unexplainable force, grabbed your wrist tighter, your eyes locking in a moment of shared uncertainty. “No, don’t leave.”

"I understand your concern, Miss Fontana, but it's absolutely necessary for this to be a private conversation," JJ explained, her voice carrying a sense of urgency. "Trust me, it's for everyone's safety."

Rachel's grip on your wrist tightened further, her eyes searching yours for reassurance. "I don't want you to leave," she pleaded, her voice tinged with desperation.

You gently begin to peel Rachel's hand off your wrist. "I need to hear what JJ has to say," you whisper, trying to convey both your care and your concern.

“No.” Rachel’s voice is stern, leaving no room for argument. As her grip on your wrist tightened, panic started to rise within you. The intensity of her desperation was overwhelming, and you couldn't understand why she was so insistent on staying.

Conflicting emotions swirled inside you - care for Rachel and concern for her safety surrounding her brother, but also a deep curiosity about the conversation JJ had just had.

The room felt suffocating, the air heavy with tension. You glanced at JJ, who stood there with a somber expression, her eyes conveying a mix of concern and determination. Her expression told you that whatever the conversation she just had was had to do with Rachel directly, and with the amount of insistence Rachel had about not leaving your side you had a feeling Rachel already knew what it was.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," you finally mustered the courage to speak, your voice trembling slightly. "But I need to know what JJ has to say. If it's about Riley, it could be crucial information for all of us." Rachel's grip on your wrist tightened even further, her eyes searching yours desperately. "Please," she whispered, her voice filled with fear and vulnerability.

Your heart ached at Rachel's words, the depth of her emotions evident in her voice. But you also couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that something was terribly wrong. JJ wouldn't have insisted on a private conversation if it wasn't of utmost importance.

Gently, yet firmly, you tried to pry Rachel's fingers off your wrist, hoping to find a compromise. "Rachel, please understand. Whatever JJ has to say, it's for our safety. I promise I'll fill you in as soon as possible."

Pain shot through your wrist as Rachel again tightened her grip, and you winced. "Rachel, you're hurting me," you pleaded, your eyes imploring her to release her grip. Despite her desperation, her actions were pushing you away rather than pulling you closer.

JJ, sensing the escalating tension, stepped forward. "Rachel, please, it will only take a minute."

The room seemed to freeze in the moment, the weight of the unspoken truth hanging heavy in the air. Rachel's eyes flickered between you and JJ, her fear of losing you from your impending conversation imminent. “She’s going to take you away from me.”

“Rachel-” The realisation seems to click in your mind from her sentence, and for a second you stop struggling against Rachel’s grip, looking at JJ as if to ask for silent confirmation, to which she replies with an extremely subtle change in her eyebrows that tells you everything you needed to know. “Please let go.”

Rachel's eyes widened, a mix of shock and desperation colouring her features. "No, you can't trust her. She's trying to tear us apart," she declared, her voice cracking with emotion.

The room became a battleground of conflicting emotions, and JJ's gaze remained steady, unwavering. "Rachel, I understand this is difficult, but you need to let them go. We need to talk."

Tears welled up in Rachel's eyes as she clung tighter to your wrist, a mixture of fear and possessiveness. "You're mine, don't let her take you away," she pleaded, her voice now a desperate whisper.

The atmosphere grew even more charged, and JJ, realising the severity of the situation, took a step closer. "I won't take them away from you, Rachel. But we need to address what I just found out."

The room's tension reached a breaking point as Rachel, overwhelmed by her emotions, fumbled her free hand around in the pocket of her florist’s apron to find something to stop JJ from approaching any further.

The air thickened, and suddenly, pruners meant for gardening found themselves repurposed as an unexpected weapon, amplifying the ominous atmosphere as she held them threateningly not towards JJ, but towards you.

Rachel’s eyes, filled with a mix of fear and defiance, bore into JJ's as she held the metallic tip of the pruners against the side of your neck, tugging on your arm until you were rendered defenceless by your position. "You're not taking them away. I won't let you,"

She raised her voice, a sense of determination in her tone as she didn’t dare break eye contact with JJ.

“I’m not going to take them away from you Rachel, I just need you to calm down for me alright?” JJ stopped in her tracks, putting her hands up to show that she wasn’t a threat to Rachel in any way shape or form.

“You don’t understand! We’re in love!” Rachel’s hand tremors as she holds the pruners against your neck, the metal cold against your skin and the pressure almost unbearable.

“Rachel-” Your voice is quiet and passive as you try to gain her attention.

“You weren’t there, you don’t know anything!” Rachel continues to raise her voice until she’s practically shouting, working herself up with her own emotions. “You didn’t see how they looked at me when we talked for the first time…”

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There’s a soft ring of a bell as you push open the wooden door of the shop, clearly hung up by hand by someone with less than professional engineering skills if you consider its lopsidedness.

The rest of the shop has that same DIY feel, with mismatched shelves and coloured panes of glass in the windows that shrouded the shop’s interior with bright colours. You’d planned on checking out the Fontana Flower Shop as soon as you’d moved in, but given how long it took you to actually unpack, your visit had been delayed almost two whole months.

“Hello sweetheart, how can we help you today?” Your attention is pulled away from the kaleidoscope of colours by a sweet voice, and you turn slightly, matching it to the smiling face of a woman looking to be in her mid-fifties, a woman you assume is the owner of the shop, half-busy preparing an ornate bouquet.

“Hi, I just recently moved into the area so I just wanted to have a look around,” You give the woman a soft smile, stuffing your hands in your pockets to alleviate the mild social awkwardness flooding your subconscious.

“Ah of course, feel free to have a look around dear, if you need any help my daughter Rachel is just around the corner,” The lady gives you a soft smile as she gestures towards a back area of the shop.

“Thank you very much,” You return her smile with one of your own as you browse the shop.

The delicate scent of various flowers envelopes you as you wander through the charming chaos of the shop. Everything about it had that homemade feel that immediately made you feel secure.

You notice a arrangement of daisies and sunflowers on one shelf, next to an assortment of potted succulents in whimsical containers. The vibrant hues and unique pairings make the shop feel like a hidden gem.

As you explore, a young woman with a warm smile emerges from the back, although you can’t help but notice how it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

You internally punch yourself for subconsciously behaviourally analysing somebody you’ve never met, but you don’t really have time to dwell on it before she speaks.

"Hi there, I'm Rachel. Anything specific you're looking for, or just enjoying the floral wonders?" She asks, her enthusiasm infectious if not slightly forced.

"I'm just taking it all in for now. This place is fantastic.” You give Rachel a polite smile as you scan the back area of the shop, considering taking home an arrangement for yourself. “Do you have any recommendations for a flower that symbolises new beginnings?"

Rachel's eyes light up. "Absolutely! How about our white roses? They signify purity and new starts. Plus, they're simply stunning. I can put together a lovely arrangement for you if you'd like."

Intrigued, you agree, and Rachel skilfully weaves together a bouquet, adding delicate baby's breath and a touch of greenery.

As she hands you the bouquet and leads you to the main counter to pay, you find yourself again studying her expression. Her happiness seems real, but there’s something underneath that’s stopping it from truly genuine.

“All done! Thanks for choosing us for your flowers,” Rachel hands you the paper receipt, and you exchange it for one of the perfectly pruned white roses from your bouquet.

“What’s this for?” She hesitates to take the rose from you, but with a small prompting with your hand she does.

“I uh- work with the FBI, I didn’t mean to profile you but your eyes are telling me something has been bothering you,” You let out a small laugh of exasperation, feeling mildly stupid. “I mean you’re around flowers all day everyday so it’s probably stupid but you know, small acts of kindness and all that,”

You shrug your shoulders with a half awkward smile as you begin walking towards the exit of the shop, flowers in hand. “I hope you feel better soon.”

“Thank you…” Rachel’s expression grows increasingly thankful, and that small shadow of negativity seems to leave her eyes for a second, replaced by a small glimmer of something new.

Grateful for the welcoming atmosphere, you leave the shop with a newfound appreciation for the art of floristry and a symbol of new beginnings cradled in your arms, unaware of Rachel’s lingering gaze as she twirls the rose between her hands.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Come on!” Morgan hit his hands against the steering wheel, pressing the heel of his hand into the horn as if the noise was going to magically make all of the early evening traffic disappear.

Morgan had rushed out of the office as soon as Hotch had gotten off the phone with JJ saying Rachel was inside your house, leaving the rest of the team to catch up. He’d been too late to stop Spencer being injured. He was not about to be too late to save you from the same fate.

Morgan gritted his teeth, frustration mounting with every passing second. The traffic seemed to conspire against him, a gridlock of metal and concrete testing his patience. He glanced at the clock, each ticking second amplifying the urgency of the situation.

His mind raced through different routes, contemplating shortcuts and detours that might shave off precious minutes. Gripping the steering wheel tighter, Morgan made a split-second decision, swerving into a side street, determined to outsmart the congested main road.

The narrow lanes proved no less forgiving, but Morgan navigated them quickly nonetheless. He cursed under his breath, simultaneously praying that the team was already on the scene, managing the crisis until his arrival.

As the city lights blurred by, Morgan's focus remained unwavering. The tension in his shoulders eased slightly when he spotted the familiar silhouette of your house in the distance. His foot pressed harder on the gas pedal, determination overriding any lingering exhaustion.

He came to a screeching halt outside of your driveway, un-holstering his gun before he even got out of the SUV, not bothering to lock it behind him as he ran towards your front door.

He pushed it open with his left hand, his heart pounding with a mix of anxiety and adrenaline. He entered the house with his gun raised to his eyes as he traversed your hallway down towards the sound of JJ’s voice, desperately trying to diffuse the situation.

“Rachel, please put the pruners down, no one is trying to take them from you,” Morgan edged his head around the corner, watching as JJ attempted to approach Rachel with both hands raised in front of her. “Let’s all just calm down okay?”

Rachel's eyes were wild, and the pruners in her hands gleamed ominously under the overhead lighting as they pressed into the skin of your neck. Morgan's instincts kicked into high gear as he assessed the situation. He moved cautiously, maintaining a firm grip on his gun while attempting to keep the tone of his voice steady.

"Rachel," Morgan spoke with authority, his eyes locking onto hers. "Put the pruners down, and we can talk about what's going on. No one wants to hurt you."

JJ shot Morgan a quick glance, grateful for his arrival but also conveying the urgency of the situation. Rachel, caught between distress and anger, seemed momentarily frozen, the tension in the room palpable. “Don’t come any closer!”

Morgan's mind raced through strategies to de-escalate the situation. He took a step closer, trying to establish a connection. "Rachel, I know things might feel overwhelming right now, but we can figure this out together. Just let go of the pruners."

“Rachel, please…” You try to build off of Morgan’s approach. “Please don’t do this,”

The air in the room hung heavy with uncertainty as Morgan continued to inch closer, his eyes never leaving Rachel's. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, but his expression remained steadfast, projecting a blend of authority and empathy.

"I'm not here to hurt you, Rachel," Morgan's voice softened, a deliberate attempt to soothe the tension. "We want to help. Let's put those pruners down, and we can talk."

JJ, still cautiously positioned nearby, kept a watchful eye on both Morgan and Rachel. The seconds ticked by, each one intensifying the urgency of the situation. Rachel's breathing seemed erratic, caught in a struggle between the grip of fear and the turmoil within her. “You’re going to take them away-“

Morgan noticed a flicker of doubt in Rachel's eyes. It was a small crack in the facade of her distress. Capitalising on that vulnerability, he continued, shaking his head to invalidate what she was saying. "Put the pruners down."

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, Rachel's grip on the pruners began to loosen. The metallic blades lowered, creating a moment of collective relief. Morgan seized this opportunity, his approach deliberate but cautious.

"That's it," Morgan encouraged, maintaining a reassuring tone as he lowered his gun in tandem with her, holding out his left hand cautiously towards you. "Let’s just take a step back and calm down."

As Morgan closed the remaining distance, he took your hand, pulling you away from Rachel to stand behind him, where JJ soon joined you to check that you were okay.

“You’re not in love with me are you?” Rachel spoke to you as if Morgan and JJ didn’t exist, her eyes glistening with fresh tears.

You met Rachel's gaze, your voice calm but firm, although slightly betrayed by the shaking of your hand as your body came down from the adrenaline rush. "Rachel, this isn't about that. I care about you, and I want to make sure you're okay. Let's talk, and we can figure things out together."

“You’re not going to want to be with me after this-“ The tears began to flow down Rachel’s cheeks, gleaming softly under the overhead light.

“Rachel-“

“I should have known this was going to happen-“ Rachel takes a sharp breath in, a metallic rattling noise emerging from the pruners she was still loosely holding as her hands begin to tremor. “Why would you ever love me?”

“Rachel…”

“I was never worthy of you-“ She points the pruners at where you stand behind Morgan, and he shifts further in front of you to protect you in the case that she decides to throw them in your direction.

She doesn’t throw them at you.

It takes to long for Morgan to realise what’s going to happen before it’s already over, Rachel stumbling backwards over your coffee table with the pair of garden pruners lodged in her throat, leaving dark red stains on your carpet as her blood desperately tries to escape her body through the new hole that the pruners had created.

The only thing you can do at the sight is clasp your hand over your mouth, falling into an irregular heart rhythm as your body sends itself into fight or flight mode from the shock.

“Call an ambulance-“ Morgan rushes over to where Rachel is lying half over the coffee table, turning her over into the recovery position as JJ frantically phones for an ambulance.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The hospital hallway stretched before you as you walked towards Spencer's room, urged by JJ’s voice nagging in the back of your head over the last two days to give him some closure now the entire situation was over.

The sterile scent lingered in the air, a constant reminder of the events that unfolded with Rachel. As you approached, you noticed Riley sitting in the hallway, his eyes focused on the floor.

"Riley-" you acknowledged, a mix of apprehension and remorse in your voice.

Riley looked up, surprise evident on his face as he spoke your name.

“I am so sorry for what I put you through by assuming that you-“

“It’s alright,” Riley shakes his head softly and gives you as much of a smile as he can muster, cutting off the beginning of the inevitable ramble that you were going to go on.

"No, I accused you of stalking me, but it wasn’t you." you admitted, regret colouring your words. "I'm sorry for not realising sooner and for wrongly accusing you."

You continue through with your apology, intent on getting it out not only to make sure he knew that you were regretful, but also so you had one less thing plaguing your mind.

His expression softened, a mix of understanding and relief crossing his features. "I'm sorry I couldn't catch the signs and stop her before it escalated."

Riley paused for a second, his eyes glancing back down to the floor again. “We thought the therapy was working, I guess we were a little too optimistic…”

You both carried the weight of the situation, a shared acknowledgment of the complexities surrounding Rachel's actions. In that moment, the air between you seemed heavy with unspoken apologies and mutual understanding. “Is- Is she okay?”

"She’s going to be alright," Riley said, his voice genuine. "She had to have an emergency tracheotomy, but she’ll recover,"

“Why are you here?” Riley’s voice wasn’t at all accusatory, it was just confused. Why would you want to come to the hospital where Rachel is being treated after everything you’ve been through.

“Oh I uh- my- my friend, the one you helped me pick the flowers for-“ You awkwardly gesture with your hands as you try to explain why your here whilst at the same time figuring out how to refer to Spencer at all.

Was he your friend? Was he something else? After the way you left him a few days ago you weren’t entirely sure anymore.

“Did- Rachel, do that too?” Riley’s voice is slightly hesitant, and you can tell that he already knows the answer to his question, but you placate him with a small nod anyway, biting the inside of your cheek.

“Are you alright?”

Riley’s question catches you mildly off guard, and you can’t help but let out a small laugh of exasperation. “I’ll be fine-“

You give him a slightly pursed smile and a half-nod, trying to reassure him.

“I’m not talking about ‘will be’, i’m talking about right now, are you alright?”

Riley’s elaboration on his question stumps you, and you find yourself unable to give a response beyond an inaudible stutter.

Sensing the need for solace, Riley opened his arms towards you, and you found comfort in a heartfelt hug. It was a silent exchange of understanding, a bridge built over the tumultuous waters of recent events.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Your hand shakes as you pull open the door to Spencer’s hospital room, not entirely sure how this conversation was going to go.

"Hey Spencer…" Your voice is timid to the point where you’re not entirely sure he heard it, but the light that shines in his eyes as you step into the room is all you need to know that he’s fully aware of your presence.

Spencer speaks your name with all the softness he normally does, and it makes your heart ache.

You can’t help but think back to that moment two days ago when he opened up his heart to you and told you how he really felt about you. The moment where you turned him down and left him alone.

"How are you doing?"

Spencer asks in his normal voice, trying to sound casual. However, he can't hide the subtle note of hope in his voice.

There's a nervous tension in the air. You can tell that both of you are waiting for the other to say something.

“Morgan told me what happened, I’m glad you’re safe now,”

You don’t give him any answer short of a nod, your throat drying up as your subconscious stops you from speaking.

Spencer's trying so hard to play it cool, but you can feel the amount of emotion behind his eyes right now. The longer you stay silent, the more you can tell that Spencer's starting to get antsy.

“…are you avoiding me?”

Spencer speaks slowly, almost as if he's scared that you’ll leave him again if he were to speak out of turn.

”I've been giving you space to think about what I said. I know you do that. I know you need time to process things. So, here we are, almost three days later... and... nothing?"

You sigh softly, keeping your eyes focused on anywhere except for him.

"Please, just..." Spencer's voice trails off when he sees your face.

You can tell that Spencer isn't angry... he's anxious and afraid. His voice is full of worry.

"Say something. Anything."

Your eyes meet his for a moment, and it almost seems as though everything else in the world doesn't exist in this moment.

"Please..." Spencer's voice is quiet, desperate.

The moment your eyes make contact a tear rolls down your face, hot against the skin of your cheek.

"I missed you…"

The tears on your face seem to make him break. All the emotion he’s held back for the past few days comes pouring out of him.

“I missed you too,” Spencer says with a sniffle, “I’ve missed you so much..."

He gives you a small smile. His eyes look directly into yours, as if he’s trying to read your feelings.

"I’m so sorry-" It doesn’t take long for the dam of your emotions to break, and you begin relentlessly crying, covering the lower half of your face with your hand to muffle any sounds that might escape your mouth.

“No. No, don’t be sorry,” He gently takes your hand, holding it in both of his as he guides you to sit down on the edge of his hospital bed.

Spencer’s voice is gentle and calming, as if speaking to a child. “It’s okay to cry. There’s nothing to be sorry about... I’m right here.”

The look in Spencer’s eyes tells you everything he’s been wanting to say to you.

"I’ve hurt you so much…" The words blend together as their caught up in your stream of emotions, and you wipe the sleeve cuff of your free hand over your cheeks to attempt rid them of the streaks of tears. "…and I am so sorry-"

“Please don’t ever say that to me again.” His voice is soft and gentle that it makes you want to curl up into his arms and stay there for the rest of your life. “I promise you that you didn’t hurt me. Even when you left… I was never angry with you. I just- missed you….”

Spencer slowly takes your other hand in his, squeezing them both softly with his eyes never leaving you even for a moment.

"You’ve gone through so much because of me Spencer it’s not fair-”

“Hey, hey, stop that.” Spencer’s voice turns stern for a moment as he gently leans forward to look you in the eyes.

“I made a choice. Okay? Do you understand? I made a choice to be by your side. Nobody else made me do that, okay? Nobody.” Spencer takes a breath. The tone in his voice turns soft once more, though the sternness remains.

“So... don’t ever feel like you hurt me. Because I never felt that way. Ever."

"I just-" You let out a shaky breath through your lips, your eyes locked on where your hands are linked together "I’m sorry…"

"Hey, look at me." Spencer looks at you intently, willing you to look at him. “I would make the same choices all over again. Every. Single. Time.”

“Spence-“

"I need to tell you something."

There's a slight tinge of desperation in his voice as the words pour out of him, interrupting you once again.

"I love you. I love you so much that every moment we're apart, I swear I could die right then and there. Even hearing your name makes me... it makes me feel like I can do anything. Like I could conquer this world if I just had you by my side." Spencer's voice is almost pleading, like he can't bear the thought of you not being by his side.

"I... I just want to be with you, okay? That's all I want in the entire world. Please... I just..." Spencer pauses, taking in a deep breath to make up from the lack of air during his ramble.

Spencer's voice is more quiet when he speaks again, the intensity in his words coming in waves. "Please, just tell me how you really feel."

The desperation is still in his eyes. They seem to be searching every inch of you, almost as if he's afraid he's missing something. "I... I don't care what you say. I just need to know."

“I-“ Your body continues to tense, the words getting caught in your throat before they all seemingly spill out at once.

"I’m in love with you- i’m so in love with you that it hurts and i was so- scared that you were going to get hurt again and I didn’t want to have to live a life without you in it even if it meant just being able to see that you were okay and never be able to speak to you again-"

Spencer’s eyes fill with tears. The words that you just spoke hit him hard, and it’s almost as if he can’t believe that you finally said them out loud.

He pulls you into a tight hug, burying his face in your shoulder and ignoring the painful ache that shot its way up his side. “I love you so much.”

His shoulders tremble as his body shakes, and the tears that were in his eyes start leaking out.

He’s crying. Spencer Reid, the most intelligent and analytical man you’ve ever met, is sobbing like a child in your arms.

"I’m so sorry it took me so long…" Your voice cracks slightly as you tangle one of your hands in the mop of his hair, using the other to hold him against you in a firm embrace, although still consciously careful of his recovering injuries. "I just wanted you to be safe…"

Spencer sniffles as he pulls himself partly out of your embrace, placing his right hand on your cheek and rubbing his thumb under your left eye, wiping it of any tears. “I know…”

Almost as soon as the words leave his mouth, Spencer's lips are pressed against yours.

His body is trembling, and he seems to be holding on to you like you’ll disappear if he lets go. He's never felt anything like this, and he's so scared he might lose this moment.

The kiss is gentle and almost hesitant as the two of you adjust to it, slightly dampened by a mix of both of your tears.

But it was everything in that moment, and you gently bring up one of your hands to mirror Spencer’s as you place it on his cheek.

Spencer’s eyes are closed, but all of his senses seem to be heightened in this moment.

He can feel the texture of your fingers on his cheek and the tears that are running down your face. He can hear your breathing and taste the coffee on your lips.

Time seems to stand still as you kiss, and Spencer tries to soak up every second of this moment.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Spencer pulls away from the kiss with a gentle sigh.

He’s breathless, looking at you with pure love in his eyes. “I love you so much,” Spencer’s eyes are full of love, joy, and gratitude.

“I’ve been so stupid,” he says with a laugh, “I’ve loved you for so long... and I just never knew how to tell you. I should have told you years ago. I can’t believe I almost lost you forever without ever telling you…”

Spencer pulls you into a tight hug, his lips pressed against your neck. “I just... I love you. That’s it. I just love you.”

"I love you too Spencer Reid… more than you could ever try to comprehend.”

[the-phantom-author]

Hasan Piker | Stream Appearance headcanons

I'm in so much pain rn it's not even funny, imma take some pain killer and sleep. Reblogs always welcomed. Request are open!

Partner streams with Hasan are very chaotic in general. However nothing would truely match the partner reveal twitch stream I imagine the stream would have “Secret special guest” or something in the title. I would start out as a normal stream, personal life, politics, and so on until it's about 2-3pm. The entire time He’d be staying that there is someone coming later, and they need to be on their best behavior . When talking about his personal life at the start of the stream he’d mention that his partner is staying over and swiftly moving on, not an uncommon thing for him to do, so nothing was really thought of.

When you show up, he introduces you by saying “Chat, introducing to you, for the first time on any platform, my partner.” Queue chat losing their collective mind, and starting to ask any and all questions they can think of. He’s incredibly watchful of chat during this time, and instantly banning anyone who sends a chat saying or implying something rude about you. This is also followed by the obligatory Joe Rogan video that he makes girls watch when they first appear on stream.

After the reveal stream I can imagine you becoming a recurring person, mostly tiny cameos. Like, every so often your hand will pop into frame to hand him something, water or food. It always causes him to stop what he’s in the middle of doing at that moment and thank you, he could be knee deep in a 10 minute stun lock and just have to hand him a water bottle and he’ll come to a full stop until you leave the room at which point he’ll pick his little rant back up.

I can also see stream bits that include you. Painting streams (more on that later), movie reviews, true crime, and other react andy things are not uncommon things for you to be on stream for. For example he would let you just rant about any movie you’ve watched, recently or not, for like thirty minutes. Like, yes girl, explain Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue to chat, they’ll love it.

Or he’ll get you to watch older reality TV shows, and videos that pertain to your interest. You know these J-Aubery mini-docs that he’ll watch, he’ll also get you to watch them. Anytime something comes up that you don’t understand, he’ll make sure to pause it so he can explain it to you until you do. If you are watching something and he doesn’t get it but you do, he does expect you to explain it. Sometimes he’ll have you explain things to him on stream just because he likes to show off how smart you are to chat.

Sometimes when you go to give Kaya some pats, you hover in the background. Mainly when you're interested in what he is watching/doing or when you’re trying to figure out just what he’s going off about, I can only imagine how confusing it must be to walk into the middle of him being stunlocked by some chatter.

He will absolutely make fun of how short you are, no matter your actual height, because man is built like a brick house and everyone is smaller than him.

I almost forgot about IRL streams. Please find a way to go on any and all IRL streams with him. Especially if it’s some kind of shopping stream. Take every chance you can to fix his fashion sense, it’ll never take but you should still try.

He’d also take you to Shitcamp and the Streamer Awards. I know they are not his live streams but he likes you being there. You’re not really a contestant or anything, but you take part in certain games and activities. Chat loves seeing you in the background, not really participating but still being iconic.

[quotidian-oblivion]

I remember way back around October, I was in irl Mrs. Barah's English class, opening up the word document which held a rant I had typed the night before. This was the rant:

Jason blinked. “Who’s Tim Drake?” Jackie shook her head, eyes wide. “He’s only the legend and leader of the school. You know, a lot of people compare him to the likes of a mafia boss?” “Like, here’s a freshman who is an actual 12-year-old. Easy bait, right?” a student piped up. “Wrong. The so-called “12-year-old” is not only academically smart, but also politically smart.” Another student nodded, saying, “It had been barely three months and he already had blackmail on half the bullies in the school. He made deals and truces with the other half of the bullies. The minor ones cower before him, because in a span of three months, he’s managed to become all chummy-chummy with the big guys, when they’ve been trying for three years.” “No one has met a single person in the history of the school who is friends with the bullies, the students, and the teachers,” Jackie added. “Plus, he’s offering homework help and occasionally accepting candy as payment? Well, sign me up. Actually, I did sign up. I’m almost getting all grades above B on my final report card.” Alexander added ominously, “Majority of the girls think he’s adorable. The majority of the boys think he’s cool. The mean girls bend to his every will. The jocks give him hi-fives and fist bumps in the corridors and stick up for him in P.E. Not that he needs much, he’s so smart that he used freaking science to defeat everyone in dodgeball. Something about velocity reducing when standing at the very back? I don’t know, man.” One of the other students said, “The nerds ask him for tips on how to play chess and dungeons and dragons. The older theater kids ask him out for group milkshake parties. The prom queen and king asked him to be a chaperone on their first date. The teachers think he's a charm.“ “And all the janitors keep him up to date on new facilities and latest gossip,” a janitor walking by said. “We even made a copy of every key at the school for him, don’t tell the staff though.” Jackie turned back to Jason, “The kid is a legend. A real legend known under the name of Timothy Jackson Drake."

Obviously it's edited to be more comprehensible and integrated in the fic, but that was the gist of it. And from that rant, I wrote two series (and some fics in the Mafia Files and Packages that other cool writers co-wrote).

Two series that has been going on for a full year now.

But today, they both end. The whole AU ends. And it does so, with this fic:

Thanks for being here

[jadeacereigen]

i also always felt like the fandom depicting reigen's childhood as abusive and neglectful never really quite fit. i know that most of it is probably just projection, and it's something i really understand because i've done it before with other characters.

i feel like there's a difference between giving a character trauma that makes sense when taking their canon self into account and giving a character trauma for other unrelated reasons, like comfort or even for fun, to be able to explore the scenarios that would come with it. both are very valid. let the people do what they want, y'know?

but something i feel like people tend to gloss over sometimes is that parents can fuck up when raising you and still not be outright shitty evil people. they can judge you on your career choices and still love you. your friends can make an off the cuff comment that ends up sticking with you in a bad way without realizing, people can suck at showing they care about you while still caring about you, they can be imperfect just as much as you are. it's their first time on this earth too. and it doesn't excuse the times they may have hurt you or made you feel bad about yourself, but it's up to you if you wanna keep them in your life. everyone can change, but that's also up to them.

it gives reigen an added charm [or should i say humanity?], to know that he is a flawed person and that it stems from the things that happened when he was younger, and the people that were in his life, and to know that things don't need to be catastrophic for them to affect and/or change you, whether good or bad. it's a good thing to remember i think. to know that there's so many greys between the white and black. that he has layers. his experiences are very valid.

anywho. sorry for the long ramble i just had to get this out there hehe.

ask game time!!!! 25, 9 and 22

Oh my god no don't apologize you're so right. I agree 100% so I'm gonna answer with my own long ramble.

(Discussions of child abuse below, though nothing that's not present in MP100 canon.)

Yes, it almost feels like people want to dismiss all flawed parenting and strained relationships between parent and child as abuse. There's certainly something very wrong with Reigen and his parents' relationship but I'm gonna be honest, I don't understand how people can find redemption in Toichiro who literally beat up his own son but then at the same time demonize Reigen's parents for the crime of disapproving his life as a CONMAN.

Yes, Reigen actually helps his clients and refuses to take money for things he cannot fix, but he's an incredibly special case and his parents are like most people who have no clue that the supernatural is even real. I personally think IRL psychics are full of shit and prey on the naive and emotionally vulnerable. If I had a kid who quit their normal job and spent all their savings to become a psychic I would not be happy with them! I would hope I wouldn't be as cold and that they wouldn't live in fear of my messages to them but I would definitely be encouraging them to stop that shit and get a "real job". To think that his parents should support his choices in life when he's pretending to be a psychic with no additional context is wild to me. (Also, I can't find the translation anymore but Reigen says in the fanbook that his mom thinks he's being tricked into doing his current job.) Again, they could go about this in a much better way but this disapproval does not inherently point to abuse.

(Sorry this rant got very long so everything else is below the cut.)

I think the biggest thing that points to Reigen's parents not being as awful as they are in fan content is that even after Reigen gets publicly exposed for being a con artist, his mom does tell him to learn his lesson from this but she also takes the time to prepare him an apology, tells him that he should come home (instead of telling him he's not welcome home/disowning him) and emphasizes that she's on his side. Maybe you could consider that the bare minimum of a decent parent but this to me just doesn't feel like she's the hateful abusive mother so often depicted. She could be warmer about it but she's obviously super concerned and wants Reigen to know she cares about him regardless of his actions.

(As for his dad, all we know is that he and Reigen don't talk to each other at all and that he thinks Reigen is unemployed. This relationship is definitely worse than Reigen and his mom's but there's little to go off of in terms of if his dad is a terrible parent or not. His mom seems to think he's worried about Reigen and that would definitely not surprise me.)

In terms of how Reigen feels about his parents, in the fanbook he acknowledges that there have been misunderstandings from both sides and that he'd like to talk things out with them and visit them more often. That's such a real thing lots of people can relate to and I'd love to see that get explored! I want to see Reigen patch things up with his parents! Maybe I'll write out my stupid fic idea for it idk.

I also don't want to stereotype but I am from an East Asian family myself and grew up surrounded by others so I feel like it's safe for me to say that Reigen's parents really remind me of your typical older generation of Asian parents. (Reigen was born in 1984 so his parents would definitely be of the boomer ilk, potentially even the Silent Generation if they had him on the older side.) Reigen also says in the fanbook that his parents are very serious people. Oftentimes with that older generation they just don't really show their care the way you'd normally see it. There may never be any "I love yous" but they'll cut you a plate of fruit without you asking or remember the show you liked 10 years ago and assume you're still into it...

Of course, parental norms in a culture don't justify hurtful parenting. (I mean just watch Everything Everywhere All At Once if you want to see the pain of having a disapproving Asian parent despite knowing they love you and just want what they think is best for you.) His mom fussing over his job and his lack of a girlfriend may be a super "Asian parent" thing, but it definitely hurts Reigen's feelings and she should cut that out. So yeah, Reigen's parents could do a lot better in terms of making Reigen feel supported and loved regardless if they approve of his life choices or not, but Reigen wants to patch things up with them for a reason and I'm hopeful that they can all reach a better understanding with each other.

One thing I also wish the anime showed was that Reigen's mom talks to him on the phone after Separation Arc! We see that in this omake:

Reigen definitely didn't tell his parents his phone number or his home address if his mom had to resort to emailing his business address just to talk to him. But I like to think that after Separation Arc he started letting his mom into his life a bit more...

God this was such a long rant, I'm sorry. One final thing before I get to your questions is that if we really need abusive parents to hate, Teru's non-present parents are ripe for the picking... Just saying.

(ask game)

I'm assuming you mean Reigen for all of these btw

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Gosh I initially thought he was just a silly goofy character who could be annoying and pathetic at times, but I enjoyed his presence on-screen. Then he got deeper in the Season 1 finale and showed just how much he truly cared about Mob... That part definitely got me shook. He only got better and better from there and now he's one of my favorite characters in the story.

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Jesus christ uh I definitely don't think he'd be a bad roommate and we'd probably get along just fine but I also think I'd annoy the shit out of him. I'm not the best at keeping my space neat and clean. Also the thought of meeting Reigen in person is actually terrifying... Reigen should never exist outside the world of fiction because his pure chaos would be too much for reality.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

Hmm I answered what I don't like last time, but I do like fics that explore his relationship with Mob or Serizawa. I also like seeing him confront more of his personal issues and grow as a person even if he gets a little hurt in the process-

[fakesimp]

🐒 anon here to raid ur ask box again, hope im not doing this to much lol, lov u chia 💕 for putting uo w my shit

bUT ANYWAYS MONKE THOUGHTS 🤡🤌 mutual pining, idiots clearly inlove with eachother and they know, but theyre both too shy to admit it for shit, they always find looking for eachothers company, Lxm always txting their crush after or during their streams to ask if they watched or not 🤛🤛, too stupidly inlove for eachother, just having a soft spot for the other just makes me feel so 😭💕🤌 like its not even an official relationship, no label was ever talked about, it just happened, every moment they spend is their date. Thats it. Thats the tweet.

🐒 Anon !

Love you too, thank you for dropping your oh-so-gracious monke thoughts on me.

Why so shy admitting them when it's so clear they like each other heeeyyyy Σ⁠(⁠ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠)

Short hcs utc !

Vox would just drop that "Why are we not dating yet." As a joke, and you usually would just ignore him or laugh it off sarcastically while your heart is either having a race or you felt butterflies in your stomach, until one day you decided to reply to his flirty remarks with "I wonder why. Why don't we start dating then?" Making him just sat there speechless. But you did enjoy his flirtatious remarks, sometimes you even look forward for it. Tho denying it when he points it out.

"You actually liked it when I tease you aren't you." "No, I don't." "Aww, my heart." "I SAID NO??"

Mysta would be the Constantly talking about you either you're watching or not, does he realize it? Maybe? If someone points it out will he accept the truth? Probably in denial but lowkey accepting the truth. There is one time he talked about how cute you are when you're focused on something you're doing when both of you are meeting up irl, everyone in the chat would awe at both you and him, awing at him for just straight off calling you cute when both of you are not having the official relationship yet. Sometimes the Mystakes would ask 'So when are you going to give your shot mysta?' making the Detective blink in confusion.

"My shot? On what-" .... "My Confession to- HUH?? I thought I already answer y'all that I won't do it yet."

Luca would make you fell to his traps so many times to the point you're mad at him, but you couldn't stay mad at him for long since he's just. Someone that you couldn't stay mad with, Lucubs sometimes are worried about you, worried that Luca's joke went too far. But he knows you actually don't mind, he knows his limit. He knows when not to joke around and be serious, such a sunshine. There's also time when he would chat you, asking if you wanna company him in his stream. Sometimes he'll also invite you to play multiplayer games! Lucubs lowkey ships both of you together,

"(Y/n)! (Y/n)! Come here look at this-" "I don't want to die again for the millionth time Luca." "Trust meee I won't kill you this time-" "Can I trust you with that" "Hehe."

Ike, this man, barely talks about you but when he do he would almost mumble everything about you for awhole hour. Talking about how great you are, how he loves your work, he would compliment how talented you are. Everything about you, he would just rant about it to quilldren. He would apologize tho if it's too much, the quilldren favors you. They found it cute when you both replied to each other's tweet ever so cutely. He sometimes accidentally asked if you're watching or not at the beginning of his stream, making the quilldren go 'Shall we summon them?' 'Summon (Y/n) moments'

"I was just asking once and this is how you all act--" *You sent a 'hi' in the chat* "Oh- Hi (Y/n)-! I'm sorry if the quilldren are disturbing you, I swear it was not intentional.. but since you're here want to company me in the call?"

Shu sometimes would send you some questionable memes, but you appreciate it. Some of them actually made you laugh, even brighten up your day! Sometimes you would too, share some memes you found funny. In his streams, Shu would slip up a joke about you. And coincidentally you just opened his stream, you immediately sent 'oh wow.' making the Sorcerer laugh at your reaction in chat.

"Oh no (Y/n) is heree runn-" *reads your chat* "Come here then, join me, I appreciate your company-" *You joined the next second* "Oh, hi." "Just why." "Pft-"

©fakesimp

A bit ooc? Apologies (⁠╯⁠︵⁠╰⁠,⁠)

[kirkwall]

work rant idk where else to put

it's been like two weeks since a coworker called me and some others out for "being quieter than everyone else/not speaking unless spoken to" in a call with the whole team and i honestly haven't recovered at all lol. social interactions have always been a struggle for me and video call ones are even harder but i really thought ever since therapy i was really doing better both irl and at work which made me feel so much better about myself and made my anxiety almost a non-issue. but this one stupid fucking comment eroded months of improvement and idk what to do about it. it completely shattered my idea of how well i was doing and has had me stuck in the same shitty mental place i was at when i started therapy. i wish i could just tell them i'm autistic and that's why i struggle but a) i don't have an official diagnosis, just an unofficial one by my psychiatrist/therapist b) i don't wanna pursue an official one bc i will end up with more hurdles than help and c) i honestly don't want them to know that about me

idek where to go with this i just need to put it somewhere. i told some friends about the initial comment and it helped a lil to vent but honestly the long term impact on my mental health has been so horrid and honestly ridiculous that i don't know how to talk about it without sounding silly. like. we were at a 5 day work trip last week with almost everyone at the company and i felt so terrible and like i don't belong that i almost started crying when i saw my dad's car model drive past us just bc i wanted to be home so badly. how does that not sound like i'm a child

[5irefly]

So this is basically Drunk Wednesday Adams.

(THIS BECAME MUCH LONGER THEN I THOUGHT and it was supposed to be jokey)

Disclaimer: I am an awful writer (that's why I draw) and my grammar is terrible, I can barely form a sentence IRL. But I tried to polish this best I can. :)

Note: This is all Yoko fault most likely, she would sneak drinks, if it wasn't her, still blame her.

- Every single thought, true feelings will come out...

With Enid she always show love in her own unique way, shes not out there and Wednesday almost comes off as shy since she with love, its such an intense and still new feeling for her, so she takes it slow. BUT with a little “boost”, she is down on her KNEEEES confessing her love to Enid.

(Wednesday on her knees looking downward but holding onto Enids leg)

W - “Oh Enid...”Me vuelves loca sabes eso, te has llevado mi corazón *chuckles*. Mi corazón te pertenece, mhm? “ *Starts looking up at her smiling*

*grabs hand* “You are so cute,” *kisses hand*

“beautiful,” *kisses wrist*

 “sweet” *continues making her way up from her hand towards her neck*

As she gets closer to her neck Enid turns super red and can’t form words, her claws whip out with a pair of uneven puppy ears and tail. Her tail wags so hard it’s thumping the bed post next to her. She is just panicking.

Wednesday on the other hand just wants to kiss her endlessly.

.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.

Besides that gay shit Wednesday is so nice, she the type to comfort you and be a listening ear giving some advice. Sad? “Here have a drink!”. Boy trouble? “Go cut his dick off”

Ehhh sometimes its good deep advice or its just...that.

- She can surprisingly drink A LOT tho, how can her small body consume so much? Where does it go?

- Play some music she’ll dance and get into it, she likes to encourage others to dance with her

- She sOoOo huggy to friends especially Enid, this girl will not let her go. She always trying to hold her arm and rest her head on her

- Her genuine big smile and giggles are SUPER cute tho

- Oh my god please don’t start a discourse with her. She goes from friendly to “WAIT A MINUTE.” and will start a bunch of argumentation. Like, you can’t win, she has an answer for everything somehow.

Its funny but holy shit she will go on a whole rant about society and everyone is dumb af nowadays, and you are sitting their like, “Wait a minute? Didn’t I just asked you which Doritos chip flavor is better, how did we get here???”

- The worst thing that happens is she become more impulsive and daring. So Enid has to keep an eye on her.

.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.

In the end when she is tripping over her own feet, she’s just tired af and will lean onto someone or Enid and doze off. She might even steal one of Enid plushies and cuddle with it. (yes Enid took a picture, she made sure that shit was in her icloud just in case something happens)

When morning comes she wakes up all grumpy looking and pretend like nothing happens.

*ᵖᶦᶜ ᵉˣᵃᵐᵖˡᵉ ʸᵉˢ ʸᵉˢ, ʲᵘˢᵗ ᶦᵐᵃᵍᶦⁿᵉ ᶦᵗˢ ᵃ ᵇˡᵃᶜᵏ ᶜᵃᵗ, ᵛᵉʳʸ ᵃᶜᶜᵘʳᵃᵗᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ˢᵘʳᵉ*

But when Enid goes up to her bed and starts going off about last night-Wednesday raises a finger to “hold it” and telling her she doesn’t want to know.

Maybe she did do something…hopefully nothing too...particular…but if something did happen, she’s gonna pretend it didn’t and everyone is literally delusional and must have been drunk cause Wednesday would neeeverr do those things. They must be seeing things.

.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·. 

✦EXTRA

*Later after school almost evening*

*Enid shows recording of drunk Wednesday dancing*

W - That’s not me.

E - That’s obviously you.

W - That’s not me.

*zooms in to her face* E - Who is this?

W - …..not me.

.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.

END

ᴰᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵃᵗ ᵐᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵖᵃⁿᶦˢʰ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶦˢ ˢᵗʳᵃᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵘᵖ ᵍᵒᵒᵍˡᵉ ᵗʳᵃⁿˢˡᵃᵗᵉ ˡᵐᶠᵃᵒᵒᵒ

[smallgronk]

Warning: really long wordy and idk how coherent rant ahead. Proceed with caution lmao

I don't even know how to start my rant but here goes. I haven't been using Tumblr for very long, but it has been incredible. I've met a lot of cool people, and learned a lot of cool things about myself. But I hate how the cycle of dysphoria seems to work. It is so exhausting. When I started my account I still went by he/him everywhere, I even said that in my bio or whatever. The longer I stuck around though, and the more I enjoyed the sapphic side of Tumblr the more I wished it applied to me? And at first I dipped my toes in by removing the masc signifiers and letting people draw their own conclusions. And when someone called me a girl for the first time? That was a strange experience. The longer it went on though the more I realized that it seemed right. I got more comfortable with my spot and didn't feel like I was "lying" to people or invading a place that wasn't for me. Cuz even when I would tell people they were cool with it? (Because obviously, almost everyone in my circle here is trans of course they get it.)

And everything about that is fantastic! But I've realized as soon as I made that step, the first time someone treated me like a girl... I changed. All the little things that I thought I was ok with are suddenly excruciating. I had sexted with someone with ease, but showing my face when I had some stubble? Unthinkable. And my voice, dear God my voice. It felt like I would shatter the "illusion" or something. Even if I disclosed to people ahead of time. There was no secret.

The real problem though is what has happened irl. I've always been a bit of a shut in (not by choice, situation), but I haven't spoken to any of my friends in days. Normally I'm in chat everyday at least for a minute. The thought of going and being Him for a bit when I could instead be my little trans self on Tumblr? Eww. So I just don't join. These are people who know I'm trans! I just haven't changed how I identify to them or whatever.

Everytime I start to think about it I'm just so overwhelmed. I told two people to refer to me differently and even that has crushed me. And I haven't even interacted with them since! I don't know if I'm more scared that I won't like it...or that I will. It will just be one more thing on my fucking to do list. I need to find some more queer people to hang with irl cuz it has been so rewarding, but just too distant I feel like I'm going insane. I simultaneously have the closest connection I've ever felt with a community and yet am crippled by the weight of the loneliness.

I've opened Pandora's box, and I was not prepared for it. I was a lurker on Reddit! I was just trying to be horny damn it. I wanted to bust a nut and chat with cute people for once so maybe I could stop being so inexperienced and now I've lost the comfort of my situation. I knew in the back of my head I was going to do all of these steps at some point probably but I NEED MORE TIME. I have to wait for eight different kinds of appointments before I can even think about it increasing my hrt because of my health conditions and some of them feel so far away.

And if I want to go to someone for comfort (which is already something I struggle so hard with!) There are always roadblocks. The people on Tumblr who I feel I could reach out to can only give me so much, it's over the internet. It is a great supplement to relationships but can only go so far without lots of work around. The people irl? Most of them don't even know about any of this and aren't in the know about queer stuff so I'd have to talk and explain so much. And the people I fully came out to? I'm not ready to face the emotions of them referring to me differently. And all of these have solutions mainly, but the issue. They all take work. And I'm exhausted. And I'm so upset. I don't want to do it. Right now at least. I just need some more time I'm getting there and figuring things out but I need more time.

Even posting this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm being overly dramatic. Which is silly, cuz if someone else felt this way I wouldn't even dream of anything but to give em a hug and let them cry it all out. I feel like I've stopped existing in the real world. Ive always struggled with dissociation but this is a whole other level. (Also people who are faking something don't typically question themselves lmao. That's just imposter syndrome.)

This was always one of my biggest fears when it came to transition. That I would be right. That it would flip a switch and make me miserable the moment I saw the other side. And I know it would get better. But until that tunnel breaks it would be unbearable.

And maybe I will feel better tomorrow. But even that sounds like forever away right now. I need a hug.

[schizowitchic]

re: the last post i reblogged i am now going to rant about biphobia i have experienced and am experiencing! yay /s

(under a cut bc this got way too long)

so in secondary school i was in a friend group full of queer people, majority of whom were bisexual girls (at the time. a couple are now nonbinary / asexual) . and they were very big on the whole "bisexual culture is liking every woman and 2 men" thing, a lot of "ew men" jokes, and all in all general "liking women is better than liking men" "why am i dating a gross icky man i should be with a woman".

now i am more attracted to men than women, not by much, its typically fairly equal, but i definitely have a leaning towards men. and i repressed that for AGES. because it simply was "frowned upon", so to speak, from almost everyone i was close with

(for further context for the rest of this. i am not out as genderfluid. i use she/her pronouns irl and ppl know me as a cis woman. i am not really out as aromantic, when i identified as aroace i did tell a few people but i think they either completely ignored me or forgot. lol.)

nowadays, i tell my friends i am bisexual. one in particular always seems to forget, constantly calling me gay/lesbian, assuming i have no opinion or that my opinion will be "ew no" when she asks if i find a man she likes hot. (she has told me so many times "why am i asking you this you don't even like men". i have told her i am bisexual several times) (she also thinks it's funny to call me & another friend "f-slurs" . she says that not the actual word but still. i have to find it funny bc she gets so defensive if we imply she's homophobic)

(i do call myself gay bc i consider none of my attraction ever to be straight. i have no major issues with being called a lesbian apart from the fact that. yknow. im not a lesbian and have never identified as such)

i made a post a while back saying something like "help im being biseuxal erasured". because i am!! i am stuck in yet another situation with people who are either mainly attracted to women/only attracted to women/don't often talk about their attraction to me & also two cishet girls who are attracted to men in a very different way than i am (one of whom erases the fact i am attracted to men and the other who i don't like and probably assumes i'm a lesbian bc of how often everyone else says that)

also full of "ew men" jokes!!. might i add.

i literally have no space to talk about the way i experience attraction, i have to water it down and pretend i only like women, pretend i am interested in romance, pretend i feel attraction when the occasioanll bout of extreme sex-repulsion hits, take (albeit censored) homophobic slurs, sex jokes about me & another female friend that are getting uncomfortable.

and pretend like the main perpretatror of this isn't being at all queerphobic. (she also has massive racism and antisemitism issues. although my friend did throw basically a whole book at her face when she made a really bad joke). to the point where i no longer consider her a friend but i can't say that bc then im overreacting and i'll get the same bullying ostracisation treatment & my friends are still gonna hang out w her so i can't avoid it

people wonder why i am aplatonic when throughout friendships i have experienced: making fun of me to my face & behind my back, bullying, homophobia, biphobia, aphobia, ableism .

like what the fuck. im sick and fucking tired of having nowhere safe to express my sexuality bc let's be real, the internet often isn't the best space.

ive made my peace with either having to compromise my aromanticism or my allosexuality irl (ie either be out as bisexual or out as aroace) but apparently i can't even freely be bisexual without people making assumptions and at this point im just waiting it out until i can hit restart and try make new friends

[loumands]

long overly personal age crisis/general mental crisis rant under the cut

I'm turning 26 this saturday and i'm terrified and depressed. I hate sounding like some anti-aging tiktokker but i hate that i'm constantly getting older and can't control it while nothing else in my life seems to change. I know i'm very young but it still feels like i'm running out of time. Most of my peers are ahead of me, they have jobs and relationships and generally full lives. My 2 years younger stepbrother has a successful career, house, wife and child. I still don't even feel like a full adult. Sometimes i feel i've really frozen in time maybe because of trauma and am still just a kid deep down.

My situation is weird because i did have experience with sexual relationships at very early age but i don't consider them real relationships anymore since they were abuse, and then in my adult age i haven't had any relationships. I haven't even kissed anyone as an adult. I'm like a virgin who isn't a real virgin. I want to be in a relationship and experience love and sex but at the same time it feels distant and impossible.

I just graduated (two years late, studying something that doesn't interest me) but i haven't worked other than summer jobs and i'm wondering how am i ever gonna get a proper job. And i don't even know do i want to do work that is related to my field of study since i hate it. I could go studying something else but it's again going to take so much time. I also feel like i'm wasting my potential and i should use my talents for something that actually helps people but i don't know what that would be.

I've made peace with knowing i'm probably never going to be able to transition for various reasons but it still causes me sadness, and again the feeling of running out of time when i'm getting older and missing more and more of years i could've lived openly as myself and i'm always living with this 'what if' thought. Also this sounds incredibly silly in context of everything else but i'm stressing about how my fertility is starting to go lower every year from now on lol. I've deeply wanted to be a parent as long as i can remember but i've wanted to wait until my financial and mental health situation will be better before having children. But what if they will never be? Also i don't necessarily need a nuclear family or anything but i'd like to have a partner i can trust and my child to have other parent too. But what if there will never be a person like that?

My life situation is technically fairly good or at least better than it has been for 15 years but i feel my mental state has gotten almost worse. I've been trying lots of new things and i finally have some friends but i still feel so lonely and hollow. I always have this crushing feeling of loneliness and being an outsider who doesn't matter. I think even on tumblr i have so embarrasingly strong emotional reaction when something even mildly negative happens because i'm so insecure and seek external validation. Like when someone unfollows me i know there's necessarily nothing personal with it but i still feel genuine sadness i'm internally like that you're not rockin wit me i'm going to kill myself meme lmao. And i'm always trying to be as kind as i can towards everyone both irl and online but i still feel worthless and annoying. It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fulfill or maybe i'm the void myself.

Idek what i'm trying to say or what could help me i just needed try to put my feelings in words i guess

[the-chihayafuru-landslide]

[ 1 ] Chihayafuru Parallels: Blushing and Hakamas

Welcome to my first Chihayafuru analysis essay? Think piece? Dellusional rant? Idk you decide what this is lmao.

It’s actually wild to think wild that in such a short amount of time (I started watching the anime first in December of 2021?) that this story has literally been on my mind almost 24/7. Chihayafuru started out really good and I was enjoying myself a lot but what actually was the moment that I “cracked” and switched from passive watcher to obsessive fan was Taichi’s infamous “spoon scene”.

The single image that launched a thousand ships.

All Taichihaya fans know this scene like the back of our hand. It is ingrained in our collective subconscious. Pretty sure, when the fandom were all listing our favourite moments, this made it onto everyone’s list. When I die, this scene will be the last thing I think of. When I go to the pearly gates I will ask for just one moment to think of it before I go down to heck. Yeah it’s something.

Y’all boring b*tches who think this is cringe don’t know how to live vicariously through media. B/c yeah if I man did this to me irl sure I’d be grossed out but here I’m like Chihaya is the world’s strongest solider b/c I would have folded immediately.

Anyways, there is something so poignant about this scene. Let’s look back on my initial tweets and see some of my completely normal thoughts I had on my first watch through:

Things of note: I predicted my own downfall and also it’s so funny that I forgot Arata’s name and also felt no need to look it up kjcdjkcajkadk

There is something inherently… spicy (it is spicy but in an intimate kind of way) about the way that Taichi and Chihaya simply stare into each other’s eyes after he pulls his sneaky little “indirect kissing” (a shoujo staple) stunt. However immediately afterwards Taichi shows her the text message and we see… Well we see what kind of thing get’s Chihaya’s eyes sparkling and her cheeks flushed. An indirect birthday message from the glasses guy. The bar is in hell people. Is Chihaya in love with one and completely indifferent to the other? It’s left kind of ambiguous… Though clearly as a viewer we are meant to believe that she likes Arata more based on Chihaya’s visceral reaction vs. THE EMPTY LOOK OF VAGUE CONFUSION SHE GAVE TAICHI. Taichi rip lil buddy but you’re firmly in the Karuta zone.

However thinking a bit deeper it’s actually funny because even Arata’s birthday message is framed as something Taichi “gives” to Chihaya (again we never fking know how Arata had Taichi’s number and not Chihaya’s but I digress). If he was truly a careless jealous shit (which he definitely is at times) he would have just closed his damn phone and said anyways weird Arata didn’t call for your birthday wonder why? I even planned you a big birthday bash and paid for him to attend but he never came… lol. But no, Taichi’s built different. He still shows her the message because he knows how much it means to her that Arata still cares (cares enough to text Taichi anyways lol). Taichi must have expected Chihaya to react like she had just received a message from her dead soulmate… but he still did it. I like in the anime where afterwards Taichi just kinda… Turns away and stares at the river pensively thinking to himself “maybe I should just jump”.

He just like me fr

Anyways I brought up this whole scene because I think it is the pinnacle of the Taichihaya Chiharata debate: If Chihaya was in love with Taichi, why are the sparkle eyes and blushes for Arata? If she FELL IN LOVE WITH TAICHI LATER, why did Chihaya never develop sparkle eye blush syndrome for Taichi? Well friends I have some thoughts!! (You should know, I always have a lot of them).

The thing about Suetsugu’s writing is she fking loves parallels. We as a viewer are meant to compare and contrast Taichi’s and Arata’s relationships with Chihaya. You were never supposed to just see one and say “OH SO SHE LIKES HIM.. DONE!!”… Though some did (rip fallen Chiharata comrades). Though I was confident what I saw in Taichi and Chihaya’s relationship was love, I was never arrogant enough to say that the crush (and yes it was a crush) Chihaya had for Arata couldn’t stick through to the end.

But at the same time to quote @miss-coverly (who is a Kyoru lover like me and has impeccable taste)

IN WHAT WORLD IS IT UNREASONABLE OR WEIRD FOR A TEENAGE GIRL TO NOT STAY IN LOVE WITH THE SAME PERSON THAT SHE LIKED AT 16 FOREVERJDJDJDJJS

Not saying it doesn’t or couldn’t happen… just… it is rare people. We change so much in our formative high school years and what we want out of a relationship changes too. Like you never stopped to think that maybe maybe it would amount to nothing more than what it was at the start? All the Chiharata fans waited so patiently for an epic conclusion that just never came and ik it feels bad man. Some wanted a time-skip to give them the development the sparkle eyes had promised. TBH I emphasize with their pain, I really do. I’d be feeling like dirt if all of Taichi and Chihaya’s relationship development ended in an epic high-five. But, I never had to wish for a hug because Taichi and Chihaya had plenty ;) KDJNJKDSANKDJDKJSA I NEED TO BE STOPPED B/C PEOPLE ARE STILL IN MOURNING BUT I CAN’T.

Anyways back to the topic at hand. I do try to keep an open mind to what the Chiharata fans saw in their relationship that made them think that it would be love. One moment that got mentioned a lot was the two times where Arata compliments Chihaya’s Hakama. Interestingly enough, both these Chiharata moments serve as a parallel to show how Chihaya and Arata’s relationship hasn’t really progressed from the start of the manga and to the end. However, the craziest thing is there is even a Taichihaya parallel. Was it Taichi commenting on Chihaya in a Hakama? No. Just wait friends… It’s such a blink and you’ll miss it moment but the fact it happens in between these two Chiharata moments is VERY INTERESTING VERY INTERESTING INDEED.

[ 1 ] Chiharata Hakama Compliment - The Blushing Karuta Bakas

Chapter 98

Before I get into it, let’s set up the context of this moment. It’s now the Yoshino Tournament one of the few times where people are organized into ranks and not by gender so finally our trio can be forced to play against each other in official matches. Of course Taichi and Chihaya show up looking fly in their Hakamas even though they really didn’t need to. That’s when Chihaya by runs into Arata by chance in the hallway before the matches start…

I WILL NEVER BE OVER HER EXPRESSION HERE SHE’S LIKE DID Y’ALL SAY SOMETHIN

She couldn’t quite make out what Arata said (and to be honest who knows what he really said under his breath). But she puts him on the spot to repeat what he said about her. It’s also funny because Chihaya in her competitive Karuta nature believes that he might be badmouthing her as her opponent LMAO. Again because individual matches are team matches and her and Arata are not on the same team. It also shows how Karuta focused Chihaya is that her CRUSH might be badmouthing her under his breath… LMAO.

When put on the spot Arata admits, while blushing a deep crimson and looking away, that he was saying how her Hakama’s pretty.

It’s honestly a cute moment! Arata is very shy softie whispering his feelings to himself… He wasn’t even going to tell her. Nor can he can’t say directly that he thinks Chihaya is attractive (even though we as the audience know he does we saw him ogling and imagining her in a bikini earlier) so he settles on complimenting her Hakama. Essentially saying (indirectly) “you look pretty today Chihaya”.

Now let’s look at Chihaya’s reaction?

Chihaya looks at him wide-eyed mouth agape with a blush on her face then she scrumples her face and blinks hard so she can regain her focus.

She quickly bottles up whatever emotions she felt for Arata’s compliment because what comes first and foremost is Karuta. She cannot be distracted by cutesy compliments from that little shy boy in the glasses she has a tournaments to win. SEE YA LATER WHEN I MOP THE FLOOR WITH YOU IN THIS HAKAMA.

Now I actually think this moment reveals a bit more than just wow Chihaya is so much in love with Arata and they are flirting. In Yoshino the Hakama is actually a very important to Chihaya (she told him that directly afterwards). When she wins the whole tournament she clutches her Hakama in her hands and said that he one desire was to win while wearing it. The Hakama is essentially Chihaya’s “battle armour”. So while we as the audience can see what Arata was doing… I don’t necessarily Chihaya understood. She thought to herself wow the guy I like complimented my Hakama!

The next time Arata compliments Chihaya’s Hakama happens much much later and we can see how much of their dynamic stays the same / changes.

[ 2 ] Chiharata Hakama Compliment - Thanks my Sister brought it for Me!

Chapter 221

So now we’re nearly at the end of the manga and during the Meijin and Queen matches. Chihaya has finally received the Hakama that Chitose raced all night to get to her. Arata sees her sitting down in front of the cards and just looks at her… It’s pretty evident by the way that he looks at her that he’s still carrying some feelings for her.

He’s still got the shoujo eye sparkle syndrome

But while he points at Chihaya she just kind of sits there wide eyed as he blushes to try and get the words out to tell her how he feels.

:( I feel kinda bad for Arata… Like before, he is still unable to pay Chihaya a simple and direct compliment. We know that’s not what he really wanted to say as he laments it directly afterwards.

Instead he opted to mention that her Kimono’s different… It almost feels like even more of a downgrade from his first indirect compliment. Different doesn’t necessarily even mean pretty rip. BUT let’s see how Chihaya reacted?!

NOOO SHE’S BLUSHING AGAIN!! DRAT, I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED EVERYONE WAS RIGHT SHE IS STILL IN LOVE WITH ARATA… Except not really. I think unlike before where she was caught completely off guard by Arata’s comment on her Hakama, she now had an inclining of what might be coming when he was looking at her that way (hence her wide eyes). When she realized that he was just commenting on how her Hakama was different, she was happy! She’s like yes that’s right it is new and it’s because my sister brought it for me. Just like before the Hakama that Chihaya wears is very important. It has also been used to represent the support that people have given you (think of Ooe’s comments to Taichi). This Hakama is probably the most special one Chihaya has ever worn because the person who brought it for Chihaya was Chitose… She put Chihaya’s ambition above her own :(

When you look at these two moments the little progress Chihaya and Arata have made in their relationship becomes really apparent. Arata while he was bold and was the first one to confess that he was in love, has kept most of his feelings towards Chihaya deep down inside. Maybe Arata was a coward at least when it came to love because when Taichi confessed he held nothing back he was like “I love your smile, your hair, your laugh, your gimp toe, I love when you droll a bit when you take notes in class and the way you thought the River Thames was in France”. But in instances of love, vulnerability is an important foundation. Taichi’s confession (at least at the time) epically backfired and then he was left completely empty. So perhaps Arata was keeping more of his feelings close to his heart was in a way to protect himself since he always thought he would lose to Taichi… There’s also the problem that Arata simply doesn’t know Chihaya as well as Taichi to make such a grandiose statement about her. Or that he doesn’t know the words to say it. Maybe I relate to Arata more than I thought b/c same dude same. The other thing is you should look at the page layout. Now the Chiharata fans might want my neck for this but… What I am saying makes sense. When Arata was looking at Chihaya without her noticing the page was white and airy. When Chihaya noticed him staring the page was the page was black. It’s a purposeful shift.

I almost think at this point Chihaya didn’t want to receive a compliment about her Hakama from him even though her heart used to flutter by it. That’s why I believe that the blush was also partially relief. Oh, he just noticed that it’s different! Thanks buddy o’ pal. Again I feel like people might not agree with me here but you do you lil rockstar you do you. It sucks because we really only know Arata’s feelings we don’t know Chihaya’s so we have to read between the lines a lot.

Looking back I can sorta understand why Chiharata fans felt hopeful by this. The panel where Arata mentions he had more to say it almost looks like there’s autumn leaves in the background. Y’know that “red passion” they always talked about. However, it’s a clever misdirect. It’s supposed to be ambiguous to the end. Maybe Arata’s passion for her would have swayed her had he only had the courage to do it. But… He never did. Similarly nobody really thought about what Chihaya’s reaction must meant. The assumption that Chihaya’s feelings remained the same throughout was all of our downfalls.

But anyways moving on:

[ 3 ] Taichihaya Hakama Moment - Why does Chihaya have to Come?

Chapter 193

So sandwiched in between these moments is an interesting moment with Chihaya that was very much overlooked (not by me though I was reading with a firm Taichihaya bias LMAO). In this scene it is right before the qualifier matches and Taichi has to go on his own to get a new Hakama. Now, of course he gathers the MIZUSAWA besties to come but then Kanade (our Taichihaya solider in the trenches till the bitter end) suggests that maybe Chihaya should come too!

Taichi blushing over the fact he doesn’t want to go Hakama shopping alone… he is baby you have done nothing wrong ever

Taichi asks why Chihaya needs to come and Chihaya just looks at him surprised pikachu face with a slight blush on her face.

But quick can we also just talk about the way that Taichi and Chihaya look at each other. I SIMPLY CANNOT DESCRIBE IT BUT IT JUST HITS. Taichi looks vaguely disappointed that she’s actually not coming… Even after he just complained about it moments ago. Dkjsnajkdnks YOU TWO WERE NEARLY THE DEATH OF ME I HOPE YOU KNOW.

She rejects the proposition because of course Karuta must come first but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t want to go… In fact she REALLY wanted to go actually. Suetsugu wanted the audience to see that Chihaya really was putting up a front in this moment.

It isn’t until Komano conveniently “forgets to tell Chihaya something” that we realize that Chihaya (when nobody could see her) was blushing hard… It wasn’t a blush that she could blink away either. She is lamenting twirling feelings around in her head and getting upset. What is she thinking about? The fact she won’t be there to support Taichi? The fact Taichi didn’t want her there? A missed Mizusawa hangout? The thought of Taichi wearing a new Hakama? Taichi getting fitted? It’s left ambiguous. But what’s not ambiguous is that it all revolves all around Taichi.

The way Chihaya just looks back at him in frustration as they each go their own way. Connected only by the fact they are both working to prepare for the qualifiers. Taichi probably seemed rather indifferent to Chihaya being someone to support him and that probably frustrated her. That’s why Komano (after seeing this and so many other instances) was like Chihaya if you don’t tell this mf how you feel about him it really will be the end for you.

Is it a direct parallel to the Chiharata? No. It’s not like Chihaya complimented Taichi’s Hakama. She was too busy having a breakdown over his haircut.

Me when my bestie gets a terrible new haircut and I hate it. Now I know why Chihaya waited to confess.

How interesting: Chihaya blushes at Arata’s feelings (that he is attracted to her) but the feelings she has about wanting to be near to Taichi makes herself blush uncontrollably. It’s almost like… It was purposeful somehow. If this made sense, great! If you disagree, good for you. However, I am a human and sometimes I make mistakes especially because this manga is fairly new so if I missed anything feel free to jump into the asks or if you want to add your own thoughts I’d love to hear them. THANKS FOR READING!! Charles out-y

[dirtyoldmanhole]

real dweeby navel gazing time

i think one of the reasons i am having genuinely, so much fun with this gunter slowburn fanfic despite sitting at a literal 53k words rn and with it probably being close to 90k all said and done, is it's ... writing the ship i see myself in the most by far on both sides.

like, ever.

this shit is the rawest most honest shit i've ever written.

i've talked a little bit about how corrin's memory wipe stuff is literally a 1:1 to my anesthesia/childhood surgery/physical therapy conga line of bullshit. even aside from the helpful textual 'here's how this works from a medical event standpoint' there's the 'here's the emotional scars that it will leave because yes it is a bodily/mind violation of a sense, over and over, and jesus all of this of this stuff goes so well thematically to the straight up fantasy bullshit of nohr with the underpinning of being hyper-aware to the themes of "power" "use" "what it takes to survive by emotionally dragging yourself through a minefield" etc. stuff i've been ruminating over since being conscious lol.

then my body's so whack from a physical joint perspective that there's also almost word for word conversations from gunter's side that i've had with my gf about how to navigate certian shit from a kink perspective but also like... how to maintain dignity when your body's kinda physically crapping out on you due to the march of time.... without loosing the sexytimes u know?

the concept of dignity in the face of being broken is a huge theme in this fic that gets echoed. very poignant for reasons you fates players know.

amusingly there's a scene near the end where corrin's helping him to shave after his stroke. (in one of fate's "clearly having a giggle at my expense" coincidences i've been in contact lately irl with somebody who's also gone through a stroke and man is it not easy) and it's this kind of perfect blend of she's helping him, technically, with something that could just be... god awful self loathing brainspace wise for him but it turns into this amazingly hot kink scene with some serious sizzling power exchange.

the dream, man!

there is a real thin line between being able to laugh at yourself *while* keeping that dignity to pointedly.... having to not look in the mirror some days. desire and shame being some real fucked up entangled wires too, in that sense.

the tumblr uwu approved discussions re: tricky medical/'my body is crapping out on me man and i can't hide it'/kink shit and having to be ~valid~ all the time gives me the hiiiiiveeeees man (and i'm not knocking it for other people, i know why it exists, but it sends my hackles up u feel).

and yet this fic still feels like, hot, in the fun sense.

there's enough fun whacko fantasy taboo elements in it that it doesn't feel .... oh no this ain't sexy this is Too Real, you feel, or too much like a trauma fic(tm)

there's the sexy yandere villain ossan (lol), corrin herself has one hell of a sex drive (and honestly that's yet another huge focus, that wish fufillment fantasy of this 'pure fragile princess chick that's fought over like a prize by everyone else' who gets to choose 'no i actually want the hot villain kthx'. she actually rants to him several times about being fought over and having everyone else from nohr/hoshido project all the shit on her.

(and him being all, I got you, I get it.)

he actually does!!!! that's the funniest darkest most ironic thing!! he's got that weird blend of being aware enough from a kink perspective and just 'went through enough shit' life perspective of why sometimes the most sacred, profound thing you can do for somebody is to break them when they ask for it. sometimes in the dark u just want the brain wires to go bzzt.

there is a weird as hell comraderie in the sense of facing very specific demons that only they have (which, again, hilariously, goes so well with the themes of revelation! invisible enemies/demons that only you two know about.)

and then i have like yet another essay in me about how literally every character i've RP'ed is a suspiciously similar to his whole... archetype.... like all of my RP partners have gravitated to playing the chicks in the het relationships and i've always RP'd the snarky older guy going through life snarking at shit and being a closet misanthrope (there's probably some presentation/gender-aligned stuff going there but this is already navel gazey as hell lol)

anyway

tl;dr i haz feelz

[good-oldfashioned-lover-girl]

help i'm not sure what to do...

rant below (it's really really long, i just really needed to rant at something that wasn't my mind, i'm not actually expecting anyone to read it don't worry)

i don't really like the idea of posting about my life, mostly because i don't feel active enough for anything to actually come of it and i'm not even sure i want anything to come of it but you know what imma take this as free therapy as it's not like i would want to talk to the irl people in my life.

i have a really close friend who also has tumblr but always seems as though they didn't want me to know about theirs so i always tried not to even accidentally find it. i told them my old username before they had tumblr but then i changed it when they got it, mostly using it as an excuse because i never really liked my old one.

we both said we would never look for each others accounts, but today it was made quite clear that they at least knew my username, something i couldn't care less about but was a little annoyed they wouldn't stop lying to me.

they then suddenly lashed out at me, and sent me a picture of their account which i never wanted to see. i barely looked at it and merely complimented the colours and pfp, but still they were incredibly passive aggressive.

the problem is i know they're going through a really hard time right now and i really don't want to make it any harder by lashing out back or being equally as passive aggressive as i know i'm often inclined to be, and this is especially now when things are going so well between us as friends.

i'm never one for being incredibly close friends with one person as it is an idea that terrifies me, meaning for example i swing between calling absolutely no one my best friend to everyone i simply talk to and is relatively nice to me is my best friend. i know this probably seems like nothing but honestly since even the early years of primary school the idea of calling just one or maybe two people my best friend is just absolutely not.

for a while me and this friend got incredibly close and they started calling me their best friend, which i tried really hard to do back but the stigma i've built around it in my head made it really hard and made me feel really uncomfortable.

i'm awful at explaining things but i did my best to explain as such to my friend without hurting them because it doesn't mean i don't still want to be really really close, it's just one line i wasn't willing to cross and they seemed to respect that, giving me the tiny bit more space i personally needed.

i know at many points i will have made many many mistakes, but they have become the one person i trust almost completely to the point of not even worrying about the little slip ups i make around them and i don't do things such as worrying if i talked too much etc. because i trust that they understand me enough so that i don't worry.

but now they seem really angry, and i don't even know why, and so for the first time in ages i'm genuinely worried that i've messed something up just a little to much, not that that would be the first time someone's randomly decided to despise my guts when i don't know why so the possibility is entirely possible.

and i don't know what to do to try and patch it up, and even more importantly if there's anyway to still try and help them through the shit time they're having despite clearly not helping.

on top of that i don't know how to help them in the first place because my immediate reaction to anything is just complete sarcasm or 'lmao mood' i'm sure neither of which help.

so i shall leave all 0 of you who put themselves through reading that alone and thank you.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Dead City, Ep 4: Everyone Gets a Prize - Analysis

@wdway

I'm hoping that this is a way that they would set up Maggie having a flashback. Maybe a scene of Beth on the other side of the doorway talking to her Maggie from s4. A new scene build on what we did see that would be great.

The other thing that stood out to me and I'm not giving anything away on the storyline but the showrunners comments at the end of episode, it really caught my attention because he compared something that happened in the episode a scene in Les Miserables. I never read the book, but the broadway musical play is my all-time favorite, so I really caught that remark. I thought what a strange connection he's making to a very famous book and musical plat about the French Revolution.

@galadrieljones

I never really watch the commentary after the show unless you guys say I should (I know I know I should lol) so I’d be interested to know the comparison to Les Mis!!!! I love Les Mis. There is I guess kind of a Fantine/Cosette thing going with Maggie and Ginny and ofc Negan could be compared to Jean Valjean, the ex-con who is still being pursued by moral purist Javert (re: Armstrong). Great catch with the French comparison

Also I have similar hopes re: flashbacks but more so with Daryl’s spin-off. Idk how they will skirt the Beth issue if they do flashbacks. I think a lot of ppl would notice if they did.

@wdway

He compared the scene between Negan and Armstrong with Jean Valjean saving Javert. The comparison was that the hunted saved the hunter.

@galadrieljones

I never thought of Negan as a Jean Valjean character, but I love it.

@wdway

Neither had I, but I still think that the comparison to Les Miserables is a bit pushing it. I think it was more about just putting that in the minds of the viewers.

@galadrieljones

Okay so it's not a spoiler so I will just share my google results. It was really kind of weird like it made me blink multiple times rapidly and lean so close to the computer I almost bumped it with my nose lol. This is what I saw:

NAFC, the way it's stylized, looks like it's some sort of fighting guild.

I was fully prepared for NAFC to not be real btw, and it's not. But I wasn't prepared for the first and only real hit for what NAFC means irl

It's not so much what it is, but WHERE

It's literally located AT King Street Station, on the DC Metrorail, which begins in Alexandria, VA

Idk if you guys remember my insane rant about the DC Metrorail, which was actually the rant that got @twdmusicboxmystery to invite me into your group chat

I surmised after Acheron 1, due to Negan's subway directions, that they probably ed the DC metrorail subway at the King Street Station in Alexandria. Negan's subway directions took them toward the Shady Grove stop, which is a terminus: “Yellow Line North. Switch to Blue at Reagan National, then hop the Red toward Bethesda.” Anyway, this is a wild callback to Acheron Pt. 1 and 2, which largely take place in the DC underground. With Maggie and her group now ing the NYC subway, I can't help but think this is on purpose.

Anyway, this isn't a Bethyl thing. But it's just like, for me, confirmation that they are ABSOLUTELY hiding clues in the real world.

They are counting on certain types of fans to google stuff and find these clues, like the coordinates, which lead to the Canary Islands

This is also taking me way back to Acheron 1. One of the subway stops they pass, and Daryl shines his light conspicuously on the sign, is the "Pyron" Station:

The Shady Grove underneath means that it is the terminus for that particular line.

When I initially googled "Pyron Shady Grove" a million years ago, idk what I was expecting. Essentially, it lead me to the Shady Grove stop on the DC metro (which is real), but that word, "pyron," was bizarre. It means literally nothing. I was kind of thrown for a loop as to why they included that nothing word.

Note that if you search these keywords now, you'll first get a hit for this fictional subway station, but when I initially googled "Pyron Shady Grove," that page hadn't been created yet, so at the time, when searched together, these keywords showed very few hits. There was one, however, that I could make heads or tails of. It was a hit for a cemetery, called the "Northcutt Pyron Cemetery," which is in Acworth, Georgia.

Not three miles from this cemetery is another cemetery, called the Shady Grove Cemetery. Acworth is in Cobb County, GA. Cobb County is where the filming location was for the CDC in season 1. Further, the Shady Grove Cemetery has a church. It's called the Shady Grove Baptist Church. It looks SO familiar, but I don't think it's ever been filmed at. It's not exactly a "white church," but it has a white steeple:

ANYWAY, Idk if you remember @twdmusicboxmystery, but I spammed you with this 84 years ago in your DMs, and that's the day you invited me to this group chat. I remember it as "my audition" to be a TD theorist LOL.

At the time ultimately I was like, no I am being a conspiracy theorist, BUT, this NFCA thing has made me wonder if the writers do think about and test-run the google algorithm before they make these choices. For example, there is like a net zero change that they chose "NFCA" not knowing that the search results would turn up a certain hit.

Just like "Biomedicine." There's a net zero chance they chose "Biomedicine DMII" for the WB coda not knowing that "France Biomedicine" would turn up the Pasteur Institute.

Now, per the word "pyron." I remember talking to my husband about how the google algo works. He told me that the algo can be spammed in certain ways to promote search hits, but that this would never really work now UNLESS the search term in question is super unique, ie: "pyron," which is REALLY unique. Can it be a coincidence that there's a cemetery in Cobb County, GA with the extremely unique word "pyron" in its name? And that that said cemetery would be located so close to another cemetery with the words "Shady Grove" in its name? And that the Shady Grove Cemetery has a church with a white steeple? And that Cobb County contains multiple filming locations for TWD, including the filming location for the CDC? I mean ofc it can be a coincidence! But after Acheron, Pt. 1, I mostly stopped thinking about the cemetery coincidence because it just never came up again, UNTIL NOW, when I'm taken BACK to Acheron 1 via another real world clue related to the DC metrorail, and now I'm really starting to wonder. Are these...actual clues?

(Oh also I feel it's important to mention that the Pyron Shady Grove search can STILL be replicated to this day. Even though there is now a bunch of hits pertaining to it as a fictional location in TWDU, you can still find the hit for the cemetery on page 1 of Google)

Honestly, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that this clue is directing us back to this moment to rewatch, ie: the DC metrorail, the subway scene in Acheron 1. Maybe to google the Pyron Shady Grove sign, if we haven't already, on like a wild goose chase. Ofc I am a conspiracy theorist so...

@wdway

What struck me when I was reading is how you were talking about (Washington) DC metro rail in s11 and now you're talking about the DC subway in Dead City spin-off. Try and convince me that wasn't on purpose. Try. No, really I don't think you can convince me.

@galadrieljones

Not to mention that Acheron 1 and 2 are basically 100% Maggie/Negan tension and here we are…

@wdway

Okay, Miss Research Queen of TWDU. Here's your assignment. I've only watched the episode once, I only took one shot, I know it must mean something because Maggie all but come to a complete stop when she saw it. Let's see what magic you can do.

I have to tell you my mind went straight to some possible chapter and verse in the Bible. I have no idea what it could be. That's as far as I got.

@galadrieljones

I have not had time to look into that one yet tho it is 100% in my notes. My only initial observation was that Pennsylvania could be a reference to Rick and the CRM. I had not thought of the Bible but that is genius !

Okay I found out that LIRR Access means Long Island Railroad Access so we’re really cookin lol

Maggie really stares at this sign for a long time. I noticed that. She had a lot of interesting internal moments in this episode.

So literally it means 31st street-38th street. You can access the LIRR from Penn Station which is on 31st. I think I recall them talking about ing via “the thirties” when they were trying to decide how to get into the Croat’s sanctuary

Per your idea I also searched for Bible passages at 31:8. Everything comes up Deuteronomy 31:8 - “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

@twdmusicboxmystery

While you were both mentioning Acheron and how it was all Maggie/Negan tension, I had a thought. If those episodes foreshadowed the current Maggie/Negan story in DC (and they totally do) the that might be a hint to where Daryl is while DC is happening. In Acheron and the following episodes, he was with Leah and the Reapers. So, while Maggie and Negan are in NY, is he with Beth? The CRM? Is that why Maggie didn’t ask him along? Probably. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@galadrieljones

Yeah, I was trying to think along those same lines but I never got quite that far. Like, if this is showing us that Acheron was foreshadowing, what else from season 11 is foreshadowing? In 11a, it’s a bit inverted, as it’s Maggie being hunted, and now it’s Negan. Their relationship is also growing. It’s feeling healthier, or like there’s hope they can live side by side. Like that they no longer constantly want to kill each other.

These are inversions. In Acheron, Daryl runs off after Dog and “goes down the rabbit hole” alone. It’s worth noting that Carol isn’t even along. She’s back home, but she’s looking for someone—Connie. Daryl ends up looking a Beth imposter in the eye and then he’s abducted. He infiltrates an enemy faction and helps bring them down from the inside. Looks like in the spin-off, he may also find himself face to face with a Beth lookalike and fighting against an enemy faction.

Didn’t we hear in some leaked footage or something that the nun refers to Daryl as “the one,” or something like that? In Rendition, Pope refers to Daryl as a Chosen One. There’s a lot of parallel. Idk but it also seems weird that in both season 11 and the spin-off there’s a Beth lookalike. One is a nun, one works for a “Pope.” Will Beth actual be in some way entangled with Catholic imagery? I keep coming back to the DaVinci Code and the Louvre but it’s all to far and wide yet to find a template.

@wdway

I just want to throw out some thoughts I had while reading comments above. Acheron 1,2 is Maggie's mission that Daryl is helping her with. In RIP Maggie gives Daryl a mission to go explore for new communities.

At the end of Acheron 1, Daryl leaves Maggie and the group but tells Maggie that he'll meet up with her at the other end. Daryl leaves the group to go look for Dog (Dog=Beth?) because he heard Dog heard dog barking in the distance. He goes through an unknown space searching for Dog. I want to point out that it is at the other side of the tunnel where Daryl miraculously finds the Morningstar (Sirius/Beth?) that we hadn't seen for a long time.

Daryl and Dog fight walkers and sees a mural of how the rich uses their power over the poor but the poor rebel and bring down the rich (Commonwealth?). In this parallel tunnel/world to Maggie and group he comes across belongings of a brother and sister whose family has left them and that they go looking for (possibly the orphanage with the religious order of nuns).

Daryl and dog eventually makes their way back to Maggie and group just in time to join the fight and help save them. They all then meets the Reapers. This sequence of events are not exactly in the order that we saw them in the show, it's out of sequence, kind of like how the last scenes of RIP were.

On a fun note I've been watching the old TV series Medium. I always loved watching it back when it was airing. Guess who I saw today in an episode, a very young Kary Payton/Ezekiel.

@twdmusicboxmystery

Lol. He’s a baby!

Love your thoughts on the Acheron symbolism. Totally agree! I hadn’t gone through and figured out details, but it’s exactly the kind of thing I was thinking.

I was curious about the song that played in the background during the entire arena sequence. The lyrics are in another language, but the subtitles kept popping up with the name of the song, which made it seem important. So, I just googled it. The translation may be rough, but even so, there are definitely some fun Beth references here.

It almost has a "Struggling Man" vibe to it.

@wdway

You had me with the title, Dawn Will Cry.

@galadrieljones

Okay, also, guys I'm going to just share my general notes on "Everybody Wins a Prize" now, since I've got a bit of time! There were some interesting callbacks here, mainly, I thought, to season 4/5 and also to Glenn.

There were two death fake-outs in the episode. The first one was Hershel. The scene where they find the young boy in the chair, with Negan picking up his head, revealing it to be somebody else, and a live walker, really reminded me of the scene in Try when Daryl and Aaron find the blond walker, Daryl picks up her head, and she is NOT Beth.

Tommaso also has a death fake-out, when he's taken away by walkers and then reemerges. A lot of ppl on social media are worried that Tommaso has been bitten and that they're hiding it from us, and while I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case, I'm not so sure. It reminded me more of Tyreese in the end of "Isolation," when the car headed to the Veterinary College gets overwhelmed by walkers. The group escapes, but Tyreese stays behind, seemingly consumed by the horde. He ends up escaping unscathed, however. Ofc, he does die later on. So I'm not sure what this indicates.

Maggie's harmonica story was really interesting to me. It's a music reference and reminded me of Beth.

There is a crumbled, broken clock in this episode, which is another reference to seasons 4/5, particularly "Still" and "WHAWGO"

There are major cop references in this episode. They are in a massive parking garage, and Maggie shown near multiple cop cars

There is also a Winnebago in the parking garage. It's shown two times.

It's a Winnebago "Warrior," which is a real type of Winnebago and also a song by the Dead Kennedys

Bird cage sighting

There's a major visual Glenn reference with the CD as well, which the young woman with the short hair inserts into the AV system before turning it on and leaving.

It's the same exact shot

Reference to things "going sideways." I can't remember if this is common in TWD, but it's definitely mentioned in Coda, I think by Daryl.

And we've already discussed this, but the Subway is playing a big role here, which feels like a redirect back to Acheron 1 and 2.

Also, back to the harmonica, that whole part was a bit odd. It seems to come out of nowhere, and we never get to see who's playing it. It's almost like the wolf howling in "Diverged," ie: a clear audio cue and signal toward something. Maggie has her story and clearly she's thinking of Hershel, but both times it plays, she looks very inward and a bit confused. She has a lot of these "looks" in this episode, like she's remembering or realizing something.

Speaking of Hershel, we never saw him or any reference to him in this episode. There was also no reference to him in the preview for next week's. Based on his type of arc, it seems like he is going to be forced to survive in some way. It pulls reminders of both Andrea and Beth, who at one point have death wishes, or seem unwilling to survive. But when push comes to shove, they learn they want to live. I wonder if that will happen to Hershel.

There's also another shoe/boot reference in this episode. Negan and Armstrong end up in a shoe repair shop.

There is another Kennedy reference (re: Winnebago Warrior) via the Taxi with a flat rate service to JFK airport

I think this is it for my notes.

(aside from the crazy NAFC thing)

@wdway

I have some things to add to your episode list. First I want to say there is a reference to young Herschel, it's when Maggie is remembering when Herschel was pulled away and taken.

I think all the meat is ham.

A total call back to Andrea with the governor. The girl actually reminded me of the Tales episode with the one armed girl in The Preserve. More instruments for harm or for good depending on the person using them and their intentions. For me a bright Spotlight is always a call back to the lights around Beth at Grady especially Slabtown

I red fire extinguisher.

What looks like a single candle in the dark, a reference from Daryl about Beth. But it's over on the left side that's really intriguing, because there's what appears to be a red fire pull alarm and above it we only see two lines of a sign, I think the first word is in red, AND RETURN.

You mentioned the shoe repair store did you notice this.

@galadrieljones

The candle was memorable to me too and also reminded me of Beth and the last supper. It was used as a delayed fuse for the explosive bins which ignite the methane and blow the barricades, letting the walkers into the arena. I was trying to think of other instances of this, aside from the hwatcha.

@wdway

It reminded me of the scene in RIP where they rigged the record player and the bombs and when they blew them up wasn't the record playing mentioned jfk?

@galadrieljones

Turtle?

@wdway

It definitely looks like a turtle to me. I should say a paperweight turtle, haha.

@galadrieljones

I did but I didn’t write it down!! I was overwhelmed with imagery and forgot till just now

@wdway

Not sure exactly what this says other than we can make out the year so it was purposely done this is when they were walking through the garage. Of course I obviously enlarged it.

I feel the vase near the paperweight Turtle to be interesting, it looks familiar

I was also going to say all the things that relate to jfk. The president that was shot in the head on the 22nd of November.

@wdway replied to themself

The vase looks Greek to me.

@galadrieljones

That’s what I was trying to think of! Thank you. And yes the song is “Cult of Personality” by Living Color. There’s a Kennedy ref in the song (among many references) and I think a sound clip of one of his speeches?

Also, I like your comparison of the urn to a Grecian Urn. That really stands out in a shoe repair shop. Idk if it could be a reference to the famous Keats poem Ode in a Grecian Urn which is all about the silence and yet actually shares a lot of themes with FG’s sermon in WHAWGO, ie: what lives and what is seen is temporary, but that which cannot be seen, and which exists only hypothetically or in the realm of belief (in this case, art), is eternal. I remember Keats well from college. This is his most famous Ode and contains the famous line “Beauty is truth, truth beauty.”

I may be reading too much into this but there’s already apparently been a Les Miserables reference in DC and like I said earlier a shoe repair shop is an odd setting for a Grecian Urn

Also sorry for all the typos above lol. I got excited about the possibility of a Keats reference Would fit nicely with all the Frost references. Is Gimple a poetry fan?

There’s a stanza in Ode on a Grecian Urn that that references basically the eternal truth of unrealized love: Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on[…] Really reminds me of FG’s sermon. This stanza reminds me of Daryl and Beth, in how they never kiss and so their love is sort of suspended between life and death. It is initiated but never realized and in this lives forever. What never lived can never die. Seems romantic, but we see how this lack of closure has ruined Daryl: Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss, Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve; She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss, For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

This stanza is specifically about love and how a lover who is never kissed or with whom love is never realized will remain forever young, and the love will never die. Once again, that which never lives, never dies. It could be about the bittersweet of a short life. Keats had tuberculosis and died very young.

(I’ll stop with the poetry now LOL. Nuns and poetry; a big day for me )

@wdway

Seriously, if TWD can drop hints using Frost references than why not Keats! It is not like they're leaving this for the general audience. And that's not a slam on them, it's just that they leave these types of things for a very few. Probably more than we realized, but still in the scheme of things a very small amount of people. I would have never thought of the poem by Keats, but together I helped to spark the thought for you and I think it's very valid. The poems beautiful and it fits Daryl memory of Beth. For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

About the strict order of the nuns. Did that not remind you of the very zealous monk dressed man on a mission from the church in the book/ movie, The DaVinci code? Certainly feels that way to me.

@galadrieljones

Good call, yeah I think his name was Silas

@wdway

Silas A tie in to TWB?

@galadrieljones

Probably on purpose! Lol. The names in WB are really on the nose in some ways: “Hope,” “Iris,” “Leo,” “Lyla” (Lie-la)

@wdway

Definitely. Iris is not only a flower but could always be the iris of the eye.

Negan's been talking an awful lot about Hope lately

@galadrieljones

Yes that’s how I see it, ie: Iris “sees.”

Good point. Remember the French doctor too in the coda. She says the phrase “hope beyond hope” twice

@wdway

Yes, and remember how I went through and compared it to the Beth's monologue and Inmates. Her speaking of hope. And those episodes were written by the same person.

@galadrieljones

Hope was staying with Dr. Ellis to continue their research. He seems to be affiliated with the French teams, somehow. Eugene references him in connection to the Human Genome Project. At the Pasteur Institude, they specifically are known for DNA sequencing new viruses and pathogens. Hope is near?

@galadrieljones

Wait which writer?

@wdway

Matthew Negrete.

@wdway

He was also the showrunner for tbw

@wdway

He and Canning Powell wrote, Inmates, Slabtown and others. He was the showrunner for TWB she the showrunner for Tales, I believe.

@galadrieljones

Right! Ty. Also wrote Indifference, Slabtown, and Consumed

Yep Powell was showrunner for Tales!

She also wrote Davon specifically

@wdway

Yes. Remember I did that long list of all of his episodes. It's been a couple of months but Liesel used it on her post so you could probably go back and find the whole thing.

It does same as if these writers communicate with each other. That there is an ultimate storyline that ties this all together. Don't tell the carylers they would never believe it, haha. I couldn't help myself.

@galadrieljones

Yeah i did a similar thing some time ago, trying to see whether there was a “cabal” of writers who know or have insight into Gimple’s “Grand Scheme.” It was like Kang, Negrete, Powell, and Cory Reid.

[bisolationist]

I'm so frustrated with that menalez "is solidarity possible between lesbians and bi women" discussion because it acts like the harm is completely one-sided. yeah I know bi women can be homophobic and more privileged but that doesn't mean it's an imagined one-sided problem and all behavior against bi women is fine. After a man that sexually assaulted me started bragging he turned me, everyone took his word for things and lesbians around my campus would passive aggressively 'whisper' things like "eugh it smells like c*m in here" when I walked in the room, or they spray whipped cream in my drinks at a party now while mimicking a dick. Or when I got a girlfriend they shit talked her so much that it made our relationship impossible. Almost more than the assault it made campus unlivable and I had to drop out. And what about the other bi women that see this behavior too, is not just about me. I know this send at least one other woman back in the closet and another into insisting she was a lesbian. Maybe that's cowardly and wrong of her but how can they not see they encourage that with how they act? But they never think this is important lack of solidarity. And is also how many people refuse to even bisexuals have any difficulties or oppression at all. Many say they don't experience homophobia,. Those people are IRL too and in groups and making important choices. GC darling Kathleen Stock was saying not too long ago Bisexuals are only politically relevant when they are in a same-sex relationship. As if our oppression doesn't start before and continue after. I'm sorry for the rant it just makes me sad.

I don't know what discussion you're talking about and frankly I don't want to comment directly on that if it's supposed to be about bi women and lesbians specifically.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, anon. But I'll say that your story is not at all uncommon. I'm honestly kind of stunned because I've also run into the "ew you're going to smell like fish" (this being a crude and misogynist reference to vaginas ofc) from gay men, so that very much brought back some bad memories. I've mentioned it recently, but there's definitely something very weird about how many bisexual people see harassment from gay/lesbian people go SHARPLY up after they deal with a homophobic/biphobic incident from a heterosexual person, and especially if it's sexual assault. It happened to me after my CSA *and* after my mother cut me off, though in different ways. I've talked to a fair number of bi women that were either turned away from "LGB" support groups after a homophobic crime, or else faced ridicule and harassment there so they ended up feeling worse. The pattern seems to be that here's this logic that since bi women can be attracted to men, that homophobic men assaulting them thus isn't an "LGB" related issue. And before anyone puts words in my mouth none of this is to say that gay people oppress us or that they even could oppress us. But I think there's a lot of people eager to twist the knife when hets do. I still can't wrap my head around why there's so much aggression specifically aimed at people that speak openly about SA or homophobic treatment from heterosexuals. At best I can imagine that these people believe in pushing a certain agenda where bisexuals don't live meaningfully different lives than heterosexuals, and thus it's all right to treat them a certain way? So like they react to bisexuals talking about their oppression as a challenge and as a non-oppressed group trying to claim oppression that isn't theirs? Sorry, I'm rambling and speculating at this point. But yeah I'm really sorry you and so many others I've heard from have had similar incidents. I do wish it was something we could address with more respect and an understanding that even if "oppression" isn't in play it's still an extremely traumatic and harmful reaction that compounds the already difficult feelings of sexual assault while being a sexual minority.

[ace-sher-bi-john]

Me, feeling lonely: I should try to make more friends

My brain: Here's a list of all the reasons why we don't do that,

I experience hyperfixations which take up all of my mental energy to the point where I barely have enough energy to take care of myself. I can't handle having more than two obsessions at a time, and even that is draining. When my friends talk about their obsessions, I try really hard to listen, but lose interest quickly if it's not my current hyperfixation. In turn, I love to infodump and obsess over small details in my hyperfixations. I try really hard not to do this when talking to people because it feels very self-centered. Like they would care about hearing every single detail about my obsession, with no room for them to talk about their interests...

I'm an introvert and find human interaction exhausting unless that person is my mom (who I could literally talk to all day and never be tired, and she in turn would never tire of talking to me). Even talking to friends online is super exhausting and I overthink everything I say, which is even more exhausting

I have zero ability to gage how close I am to someone. I don't want to make things awkward by being super clingy, because several friendships failed throughout my life due to me being clingy and only wanting to play with one specific person even if they didn't feel like playing with me. So I've overcorrected and now I don't make any attempts to progress in our friendship out of fear of appearing clingy. I'm either the most clingy friend or the most distant friend. Friendships require a healthy balance of both and I am incapable of that, so I go for the option that will be seen as the least annoying/selfish and we remain at best really good acquaintances

My interests are very specific and change every couple of months. Even if I found someone who was obsessed with the same thing at the same time, as well as my more niche hobbies, the friendship would last as long as my hyperfixation. Once we no longer share common interests, I would inevitably talk to them less and less until one day, we're no longer friends. My brain would no longer find that person interesting and I would forget about them

I believe that I have it in me to be a really good friend. To get it right. But it would be at the cost of myself. I would try to make enough room in my brain for everyone else's lives and I wouldn't have any interests of my own. I would constantly be exhausted.

So instead I choose the option that sometimes makes me happiest, but other times leaves me sad and lonely wondering why I can't just be better at being a good friend?

I do have friends IRL. I have four people who I would consider to be close friends, possibly even best friends? Two of them have given me the label of being their best friend. But I don't talk to them as often as I probably should. I talk to one of them almost daily for hours at a time, because they just so happen to be obsessed with BBC Sherlock, the MCU and cosplay. But I fear that the second my BBC Sherlock obsession ends, I will stop talking to them.

Outside of those people, I don't know where I stand with anyone who's not family. I have my old classmates from high school. Some of them I talked to every day and had friendly interactions with, but I don't make any effort to stay in contact with them now and didn't feel much of a connection with when we were in school. I have my co-workers who I don't feel much of a connection to, but they're always happy to see me and sometimes interact with me in a way that makes me feel like we're friends. One of my co-workers hugged me before she went home on the day before she started her holiday break because she was going to miss seeing me everyday while she was off. That caught me off guard. I guess we're friends if she felt close enough to me to hug me?

Apologies for the rant. I just really needed to put that somewhere. I won't make a habit of this.