#not to mention my already existing struggle with connecting to people which was a problem before i even knew i was aro

[aromantic-diaries]

Honestly I'm glad that the aro community is moving from "we still love our friends and family we're not heartless!" to "we don't need to make up for our lack of romantic attraction with other forms of love" because yeah, our platonic and/or familial relationships are not romance-lite or a substitute for romantic love and a lot of aros reject the idea of love altogether. So yeah fuck trying to appeal to alloromantic people with the whole "we swear we're normal" thing. I don't need to make sense to anyone

Either you accept me as I am whether you understand me or not or you leave me the fuck alone

[dark-nimbus]

A Rant on Representation in Media (mostly comics)

CW: ableism, disability erasure, mentions of fat phobia, mentions of fetishization, lmk if there’s anything I missed

I can’t believe that here in 2023 we still have to say this, but fuck it this year has already been hell enough so why not add another thing

Representation, whether it be for disabilities or culture, race or religion, any marginalized group— ALWAYS MATTERS

I spent the majority of the other night dealing with people trying to downplay the impact of Barbara Gordon’s paralysis being retconned. Wanna see how that went?

“Oh, but it’s okay if Barbara Gordon still has some mobility because there’s paralyzed people that regain their ability to walk”

Her spinal cord was completely severed, she was left fully paralyzed from the waist down

“There’s a 60yo fighting in a Kevlar bat suit and shifting clay people, but Barbara getting her legs back again is a problem?”

Okay, can clay people restore a spinal injury? Can Batman punch a nervous system into fully functioning? What relation does that have?

Aside from the fact there’s zero connection between the two, paralysis actually fucking exists. Batman and clay shifters, believe it or not, don’t. Lemme know if you find an irl Batman or Clayface that needs representation. Go on, I’ll wait

“Barbara being able to walk again isn’t disability erasure, there’s other paralyzed characters”

The definition of disability erasure is literally terminating someone’s disability under the belief it makes a person less than. The fuck you mean it’s not?

And how many paralyzed comic characters can you name? I’m willing to bet it doesn’t come to 50. Every character belonging to an underrepresented group matters. Whether their representation is taken away completely with that one character’s erasure or not isn’t the fucking point. You’re still fueling the already negative stigma around disabilities and sweeping disabled people further under the rug

“Her disability erasure doesn’t matter, DC will just paralyze her again in later issues”

I’m sorry, are you completely paralyzed from the waist down? Do you embody each and every paralyzed person and their experiences? No? What makes you think that you get to determine whether the erasure of something you don’t even have matters?

As for DC re-paralyzing Barbara, it’s been retconned since 2011. Even if they do plan on undoing whatever whack job microchip magic they’ve got going, they sure as hell are taking their sweet-ass time

I can’t believe people were actually arguing in favor of Barbara’s disability erasure, but here we are. Representation has always mattered and always will, and yet media loves grossly misrepresenting everything. Barbara was such a strong character as Batgirl, and flourished in her character development even more as Oracle. Her struggles, overcoming them, and learning to love herself and value her abilities beyond the mantle made her a well-loved inspiration for many. To have all of that stripped away and undone with a microchip was just as insulting as it was a destroyed opportunity for character growth

And unfortunately that’s not the first conversation I’ve had regarding the representation of characters

Oh, you thought I was done? Ha! I wish. How about Spiderverse?

“Oh but Sun-Spider can’t be a superhero, she’s wheelchair-bound!”

Professor X. The Chief. Oracle.

And just to cover all my bases: Bucky Barnes, Daredevil, Hawkeye, Doctor Mid-Nite, Hornet, Jericho, Cyborg. And that’s not even going into characters with much more hidden disabilities. Disabilities never stopped anyone from being able to achieve anything, nor should it ever

“Fat spider-people? Really? That’s just unrealistic”

Yes, really. What’s the problem with that? Surely it’s not the webbing, which have been proven to be durable enough to support buildings. No way it’s how they’re shaped when there’s a car, a horse, and a whole ass T-Rex spider variant

Some people really forgot the whole concept behind the first Spiderverse movie. How Stan Lee made it clear that “anyone can wear the mask.” It doesn’t matter your body type, whatever disorders or disabilities you have, your ethnicity or your upbringing. Being a hero is so much more than that, and the diversity of each spider-variant only reinforces how Spider-Man represents everyone

But let’s go even further with voice acting

“So what if Sunspot is being voiced by a white person instead of an Afro-Brazilian voice actor? It’s animated”

Oh wow I wasn’t aware that representation stops at the sound machine. Yes, Sunspot’s newest voice actor is Brazilian, but with a character whose ethnicity plays an integral part in his story, you’d think Marvel would figure casting an Afro-Brazilian VA would be more authentic for the role than the fourth white dude in a row, but no. Of course not

And with each VA they cast, Marvel pushes Afro-Brazilian VAs out of this role they’d intimately understand and be passionate in representing. VAs that Sunspot fans would love to see knowing that their favorite character (or even themselves) would be understood, rather than being hollowly voiced with characteristics that don’t match the person

“If Sunspot should be voiced by an Afro-Brazilian voice actor does that mean Magneto should be voiced by exclusively German Jewish voice actors? It’s not a monolith”

And neither are Brazilians. Hell, neither is any religion or race. That’s why we want an Afro-Brazilian VA. There’s so many nuances that can only be breathed into the character by someone who understands because they themselves have lived that life. It may be small but those nuances are what make the character feel alive to their audience, and the closer a VA is to the experiences of their character, the more genuine the character feels

Portraying animated characters doesn’t fall completely on the writers and artists. Artists may take control visually, and writers may be responsible for plot and voice lines, but it’s the VAs that are in the spotlight. VAs are the ones that gives these characters character. And those characters can’t be fully and properly represented for viewers if it’s not all there

Representation always matters. Its significance doesn’t go away with erasure, and it definitely isn’t less important because other people who aren’t among that marginalized group refuse understand. Disabilities don’t define who someone can be, nor does body type, or culture, or religion or any other background. It doesn’t stop at the sound machine. Anyone who says otherwise are just adding to the ignorance most media uses to excuse the already shit representation of the entertainment industry

Every marginalized group is valid. Every minority deserves to be portrayed as they are and not feel like they’re being fetishized, infantilized, or inaccurately represented for the sake of plot

Little me, the queer adopted Asian kid with raging ADHD, severe anxiety, and shit communication skills deserved more than the fetishization from anime characters and shouldn’t have needed to wait until they discovered Cassandra Cain, the first character to show that superheroes could look like them too

And people that never struggled to find themselves represented in media sure as hell don’t have an excuse to encourage lacking representation and feign ignorance when common decency and basic human empathy is free

[santacoppelia]

Heaven and Hell strike! (a "crack" meta?)

I was reviewing my notes to write some things I like about Shax (they are organized by themes) but I came across this idea first and it tickled my brain (probably because I just watched Neil's speech at the WGA Strike picket line). (BTW, great message, go watch it!!)

We know some interesting things about the awful work circumstances at Hell. We can "ignore" them (it is Hell, after all), but what if we check out what is happening with Hell's workforce?

The place is dreadful. We know, it is Hell, that's how it is supposed to be.

There is a whole lot of bureaucracy. I would say that it is specifically because bureaucracy IS Hell, but this is also me being me.

Everyone is overworked. Again, maybe it is just the thing with Hell, but...

They are understaffed. Furfur let's us know that as soon as Shax asks him for a legion. This would be obvious for Admissions during WW II, but when the bookshop siege happens, they barely manage to get 70 demons. Why?????

Beelzebub talks a lot about Hell not "appreciating talents". They say it when they talk about Crowley, then again while they lament with the other demon, and that's one of the things that connects them to Gabriel.

This was also one of the points made by Furfur when he talked about trying to "climb the ladder". He lashed to Crowley about this (as if getting a better job was Crowley's fault), but... (put a pin on this)

Shax possible new Dukedom and Beelzebub offering Crowley the possibility of becoming a "new Duke of Hell" talks to me about some sort of power vacuum (it goes without mention that promotions are given at personal discretion, not through real merit).

However, Heaven doesn't seem like they are in great shape, also...

They are trying to hide their "institutional problems" (at least, two defectors, but we should also count the renegade-now-Supreme-Archangel as part of the problem)

The corporate climate in the higher levels of Heaven is HIDEOUS. They are mostly petty, envious, create rumors and love power struggles...

Michael (my personal hate character) is at the same time so power hungry and so clueless about anything, that they are incapable of taking action (thanks, someone)

After not even knowing if Gabriel really had a desk, Michael gets a desk, while being "Duty Officer" and making everyone roll their eyes with their orders. They got that desk out of pure pettiness!

We know that "lesser angels" are mostly ignored. If you are an angel like Muriel, nobody ever acknowledges your existence. We have already seen how happy they are just by participating!! (they don't even notice being called "dim", poor baby)

Gabriel bonds with Beelz around not being recognized for what they do, and Beelz win their (cold, little) heart WITH A FLY because nobody has given him anything before… Not even a little pat in the head?

We have already seen TWO cases where an angel and a demon discover, through familiarity and shared worries/complaints, that they have so much in common that they are better together. We are crackshipping a third one.

The pin about Furfur (which I had forgotten) is that the problem is not Crowley, and the problem are not the people inside the system who learn how to play it: THE PROBLEM IS THE SYSTEM ITSELF.

Now, the point:

Something something about unappreciated people coming together as soon as they learn there’s better to be had. Can you imagine that much fun???!!!??? Bring Pandemonium!!

[sleepy-moron]

I’m posting about Mike’s mental health again because people are still saying things aren’t that deep and it kinda drives me crazy.

Warning for discussions of mental illness and the cliff scene (so tw for su*cide mentions)

Not every single person with trauma will react in the same way to said trauma! The people saying Mike isn’t depressed would also probably think I’m completely mentally healthy because not everyone acts the same way. It took several years for me to realize I was having depressive episodes because I didn’t feel sad all that often. Some people with depression just become emotionally numb and pull away from other people instead. It’s really tiring to struggle with mental illness in a way that is not noticeable to everyone else. I actually really struggle to open up to other people and getting constantly told that you can’t actually have a problem because you’re “too functional” gets old fast.

I’m sure a lot of the people who have talked about the cliff scene and why it paints a really scary picture of Mike’s mindset have experienced that kind of passive desire to stop existing, because most people won’t pick up on that sort of thing unless they know from personal experience what it’s like. @aemiron-main has a really good metaphor about this, people look for signs of struggling they can recognize so the people not struggling in a visible way aren’t given the support they need because they’re clearly doing “fine”. A lot of Mike’s s4 behavior: being disorganized, struggling academically, strong hatred towards school, general emotional detachment, short temper, “acting out” and poor self esteem are pretty textbook symptoms of depression, yet most people probably wouldn’t make that connection because they believe depression should be “more obvious” than that.

Sure you could dismiss the cliff thing as being a spur of the moment decision because Mike is going through a lot emotionally, but for someone to be like “okay guess I’m going to jump off this cliff so Dustin doesn’t get his teeth cut out” when upset kinda suggests this is something that has been on the person’s mind. Even if Mike is 12, the fact he feels like dying is probably his best option is the kind of thing that gets people put on suicide watches in real life, especially when they’re that young. Mike is so used to having his feelings invalidated whenever he tries to open up by s4 that it’s unlikely he stopped having similar thoughts. He physically tries to shield Will during the shootout and feels like he isn’t needed by the people he cares about, which suggests he still doesn’t value his own life as much as he should. The books aren’t canon but Lucas literally says Mike locked himself in his basement with video games for weeks after the Byers left.

Mike is an uncomfortably relatable depiction of “invisible” depression and the passive desire to just die already, and as someone who struggled with both in my early teens I think it’s important for people to know what that looks like because it could literally save someone’s life.

[kelpieice]

Film Jack Frost is Canonically 17/18 Years Old for 300 Years. It Makes Sense.

I once mentioned that Jack Frost can be seen by some people as too immature for a relationship, and people confirm that when they say “HES A CHILD!” which I just have to roll my eyes. Possibly because it means people are ignoring how problematic that film would be if Jack WAS trapped at 14.

Starting with MIM. Who already seems suspicious yet is pushed up to be this great guy who cares about kids. Yet cruelly rips a 14 year old, a minor away from his love ones and never try’s to reach out and help said minor. Instead ignores him for 300 years. How wonderful...

The Guardians who care and protect minors, treat Jack Frost not so nicely and don’t bother to ever reach out and or help this forever minor. Bunny flat out dislikes Jack Frost and is a complete crossing the line jerk to Jack Frost. Making a jab at how Jack struggles with being invisible because it is like he doesn’t exist. Oh and he does try hitting Jack at one point. Bunnymund acting the way he does if Jack was 14 makes him look like a jerk. So tell me again how these protectors of children can be this sucky with a forever kid? They only bothered to reach out to Jack because MIM told them too but otherwise would never of bothered.

The Tooth Fairy wants to be in Jack’s pants...need I say more why Jack being trapped at 14 and her thirsty ass is problematic? Lady can’t keep her hands to herself.

At one point they let Jack Frost go alone to return a child knowing fully well that a madman who preys on children is out there. If Jack Frost is a child, it shouldn’t of been a discussion. They would of been more responsible and sent someone with Jack and Sophie. But they didn’t because Jack Frost is trapped as a young adult not a child. Heck, Jack even calls them out that they suck at working with kids. Child care = working with kids. You better be good with kids!

Once Sophie gets returned home Jack Frost gets lured to Pitch’s lair. Where Pitch messes with Jack’s head. This whole scene is supposed to play out like a nightmare as Pitch revels how bad Jack’s invisible problem mentally is for him and how he wants a better relationship with the Guardians. If Jack is trapped at 14, again the Guardians should of sent someone with Jack to prevent this. Not someone small like his companion baby tooth.

When Jack Frost returns to the Guardians they don’t bother to listen to him and outcast him. Jack feels horrible and leaves, no one bothers to ever go after him. BECAUSE HE IS NOT 14! Gosh if Jack was 14 this should of played out differently. Which then leads to how Pitch wanted Jack to be kicked out, so he could try and prey on Jack now mentally in a vulnerable state. PITCH BLACK IS A MANIPULATOR!

Just going through all these in his film makes MIM look like an even worse jerk, The Guardians suck at their jobs and Tooth is a freaking predator if Jack WAS trapped at 14. But Jack is not 14 in the film, he has been established as 17/18 and at least being 18 for 300 years makes the treatment to Jack Frost, make more sense.

Jack Frost was added to Joyce’s books but he was to replaced and to shoehorn in a connection with his forever 14 year old star boy Nightlight. Which in story telling was extremely forced. That and Katherine the love interest is a flipping adult. No about of age manipulation changes the fact that in the books Joyce likes his forever youthful character to be a minor. Katherine still looks like a new made predator cat-fisher in the books.

So the popular movie Jack is at least 18. Book Jack that was added is 14 and no about of a shoehorned weird age manipulation ability changes that. They are two different Jack Frost. The one that gets shipped a lot is the movie Jack.

[kate1028]

❗️Spoilers for Tsats❗️

Okay so I’ve seen a few reviews on tsats now and I wanted to give my opinion about it now. First of all: I absolutely loved it, like I immediately started rereading it after I finished it. Nevertheless I have some things I want to point out and talk about:

Will not bringing a weapon with him: That’s a point that actually annoys me because Wtf? I really see him being the person, who brings as the last one a weapon with him if they go to a field trip or mortal world quest but into Tartarus? No, I really think that he would bring a weapon with him. Besides it made him seem helpless most of the time, which isn’t right.

Nyx describing the cocoa puffs as their children: Like ewww no that weirded me out so much, please no stop that. That really bothered me.

The writing is different to the other books: Yeah obviously that was going to happen, because Rick didn’t write that book alone and honestly it’s not really bothering me by now, it’s just different and we’ll see wether it will bother me at some point (I don’t think so)

Percabeth and dam: Okay yeah maybe it’s rather unusual for the characters in the book to use these words/ that joke but I still love that it was in there. It’s just something from the fandom in the book and I couldn’t care less that it’s maybe not that logical.

Will’s character: So about this there seems to be a lot of contradicting opinions but I admit I didn’t think he was out of character (yeah the part that he was so helpless most of the annoyed me too a bit but I think that’s mostly because he didn’t had any weapons, which I already mentioned earlier) Apart from that I really think that he would freak out in the underworld, and maybe it also seems really extreme because he’s down there with the literal opposite of him, when it comes to this. Like, Nico’s second home is the underworld and he likes the darkness and has no problem with death. Will on the other hand is a child of Apollo (btw Apollo already mentioned his concerns about Will being in the underworld in ToA 5) and can’t deal with darkness that easily like Nico does, and even prefers the light over the darkness, which is completely valid. Furthermore he is a healer, his fatal flaw is probably not being able to accept that sometimes you just can’t heal and help people, so obviously he’s weirded out by being in the underworld, surrounded by death. And he also can’t accept it that easily, because for him, as a healer, death is not really an option, therefore I can understand his struggle and the tension that grows between Nico and Will, because Nico on the other hand isn’t a healer and has been surrounded by death for ages. But I think Will does a good job in learning and understanding that you can’t difference death and darkness that easily from life and light, because it’s a circle. But he needs time to understand and adapt, being in the worst place to ever exist while that doesn’t help much either btw. And for my last point: No, Will was never the pure happy sunshine character, maybe we just saw that side of him, but think about it: We know now, that he’s been in Camp already, when Nico came in Camp. Means he’s been there (and maybe had already a closer connection to Lee) when Lee, one of his siblings and cabin counsellor, died, he also seemed to have a rather close connection to Micheal, who died a year later with half of the rest of the Apollo cabin, Will’s other siblings, and all the while he couldn’t do anything, couldn’t heal them. And then suddenly he was the cabin counsellor, a figure role and needed to be brave and couldn’t show too much weakness to encourage the other ones, while still grieving. I think that leaves some trauma too, not as bad as Nico’s but enough to get scared and suspicious of several things. Oh and can we please talk about Will having plague powers?!?! 🥰

Reyna: I wished that we would’ve seen more of Reyna, I’d’ve loved that but that would probably be rather complicated to include especially after she joined the hunters, so I can understand why they kept her out.

Friendship between Piper and Nico: I loved to see them in the end and talking to each other. I think it could really help them to get over Jason’s death. If they would get Leo in now too that would be the best, because I feel like those were the closest people to Jason (and Thalia and Reyna) and then they could get together and help each other.

Hazel: I also hoped she would appear more often but it’s still just one book and you can’t include every single PJ character because you just don’t have the time and space (same applies for Reyna)

My last point: The whole book felt a bit disconnected from the rest of the books of that universe. But there are probably a few reasons why: First, like already mentioned, it was co-written, means another author included their ideas and writing style, so obviously the book will get a different vibe as the previous ones. And obviously you notice that, even if you maybe can’t really name it, because you read fifteen! Fifteen books, who weren’t co-authored, in that world before tsats, which is a lot. Second of all it’s just one book. A stand-alone. Rick never wrote a stand-alone in that world, always five books. Now he wrote one, co-authored. This could be the reason why so much feels fast paced and maybe even pressed into the story, because he had ideas and wanted to put them in there, maybe even needed them, but couldn’t unravel them completely because it’s just one book, not five like he’s used to. A lot needed to happen and happened in that book, so it was fast paced and felt at some point even forced. After reading the book, I think it would’ve been better to make a Duology out of that. Then you would’ve been able to explore things slowly and take your time. Those two things are probably the reason why I felt that this book was a bit disconnected to the rest. Much was missing (like characters: Hazel, Reyna etc), there wasn’t any time to take things slow and explain, like what I’m used to.

As a conclusion there are some things in that book that I don’t like and could’ve been made better but in the end I still love it and it kind of healed something inside me that I didn’t even know was broken. It just felt so sweet and somewhat healing. ❗️That’s just my opinion on that book, and I can completely understand that others think differently as well as respect that, so please also respect mine.❗️

[ijustloveanything]

A STUDENT’S PANDEMIC

On March 9, 2020, Mayor Isko “Moreno” Domagoso ordered the suspension of classes because of the increasing COVID-19 cases. It was a surreal day. Most students were celebrating the fact that we have a week-long break that turned into month-long online learning, and ultimately a 2-year transition to the online platform. Everyone did their best to adjust. Be it online classes, meetings birthdays, or even funerals, every activity was done online. As someone who has experienced the difference between online learning and face-to-face learning, I can completely say that it was both a hassle and a convenience.

I was out with my arki-friends the moment it was announced that there would be a class suspension. We ate our lunch at ‘The One’ in UST where we usually hang out pre-pandemic. My friends loved their kebab and the full serving of frozen yogurt in Yowell. After our hangout, my educ-friends called me to come back to Morayta for another Tea-ta afternoon sesh at Macao Imperial. We talked a lot, took pictures, and planned our activities for the whole week of no classes. After my hangouts, I rushed back to the condo, packed my essentials, and took a grab home. I left so much stuff back at the condo because I assumed that I would be back next week. Little did I know that it was the last time I’ll see my friends or live in that condo.

In my case, only my mother and I stayed in our house while my father and sisters lived in the province. My academics were severely affected by the pandemic mostly due to my existing mental health problems. My grades plummeted ever since the pandemic because I couldn’t find any motivation to work. My anxiety was all-time high I was too scared that someone might break into our house. That is because the pandemic affected so many businesses and work that people outside our area have targeted houses within our street to break into. This caused me to be on alert at all costs because no one would be able to defend us in case somebody breaks in. This circumstance also made me lose so much sleep to the point that there was a time I stayed awake for 40 hours straight. I wish I was exaggerating, but it was a traumatic experience for me. I couldn’t sleep even though I was already forcing myself to sleep. My work piled up, I couldn’t focus properly, household chores and academics were overlapping and it was extremely exhausting.

During our online activities, it was hard to communicate especially during group work. Everyone was experiencing the very same thing I was experiencing, some even have it worse with domestic violence involved. Some are living alone and don’t have anyone else to turn to. Even though everyone should be available online, most of them couldn’t get themselves to stay online, myself included. There were also students who do not have a stable internet connection or mobile data which completely affected their academic performance. We were also in the middle of finishing our research paper for our thesis defense and it was hard to work on since we have different schedules and couldn’t communicate properly since it was online. We most likely felt that the social connection that we had during the face-to-face classes was cut off.

There were more factors that affected the students’ lives. Students in the poorer and rural sectors of the country don’t have proper gadgets or even signals to conduct their online classes, which posed a serious problem. There were lots of students that were held back, transferred schools, or completely stopped because of the irregularities that were happening. Not to mention they also have to struggle with where to find their food since everything stopped and there was nothing else to buy from local stores.

Looking back, I realized how privileged my life was. I have a good home, I have a working computer, cellphone, and food during the pandemic. When I saw the news about how the other Filipinos are suffering because of the quarantine, my heart sank. It affected my mental health seeing how the world is crumbling and how we couldn’t ask for help from anyone because the government cannot be even relied on. There were tons of issues that we faced. As a student, it was a struggle to work on anything when the world is in chaos because of the pandemic.

At the beginning of 2022, I contracted COVID. My mother and elder sister were infected as well. Only my father, who contracted COVID months before, was left standing and took care of us. He assumed that it could be an Omicron variant since everyone from the New Year party got infected after a few days as well. One even got sent to the ER because of breathing problems. Fortunately, I didn’t get hospitalized and survived. What I have experienced during those days that I couldn’t even get out of bed was something I never want anyone else to experience. I tried to live healthily afterward and swore to take care of my body because I never want to experience that level of pain again.

Based on my experience and seeing how other people experienced it, I could only say that the advantage of online learning was that we didn’t have to go to school anymore, saving up transportation fees, time, and energy. However, there are so much more downsides to this matter and even though the commute is exhausting, I still prefer the face-to-face setup. It feels real and the environment for me is a huge factor in my mental health. But that’s only my side of the story. I know other students had it worse and are still adjusting until today, like me. I do hope that this pandemic that we’re experiencing right now stops so we can recondition ourselves and connect with society again.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hi, this might be triggering but I hope it's okay.

I (31F)'ve had suicidal ideation for... I'd say years, I go to a therapist for my self-esteem issues and anxiety and since I was doing pretty good lately, we're working on being more in the moment and connecting to my emotions (which I'm not good at) and I've been trying very hard to get better and take good habits, it works to a degree but I've been feeling very suicidal for 4 days now, it comes and goes, when it gets bad my brain feels like static and I can't focus, and I'm exhausted most of the time,.I was in a meeting at work yesterday and I felt split in two, a part taking notes, reacting, even smiling and making jokes and the other thinking about how to kill myself. When I came home yesterday I ..., I stopped ... because I don't want to cause pain to my friends and family, especially since some of them already have a lot going on, and many of them have lost people close to them in the past, some of them to suicide.

I'm not sure why I'm like that, I have a well-paying job (that I don't like but don't hate), great friends (but no love life since 2013...), but I feel like I'll never achieve anything meaningful or provide the people in my life with something they can't get from literally anyone else close to them. I loathe myself and feel like it would take a few months tops for everyone to realize that they don't miss me, except probably my parents. I think I don't add anything to the world or anyone's life, I'm no one's love, no one's best friend, my job doesn't have meaning, I start personal projects and never finish them and I can barely take care of myself on a day to day basis. But I had a good childhood, no trauma, a degree and a job that give me a good financial situation, I feel like I've got life on easy mode but I'm still failing at it... I feel it would be much better if I died and gave my money to my friends who are struggling and will do much more than me with their lives and to charities (which I already do now, but I mean all of it and my savings).

I don't dare reach out to my friends in such blunt terms because I know it's irrationnal and it'll hurt them, so I sugar coat it and give 10 disclaimers about how I'm acutally fine before talking about these thoughts, so they don't really worry I think, sometimes I feel like they don't believe me but that must be just me thinking that. Reaching out to my parents is unthinkable, they know I see a therapist but I never talk about it with them, when I try to scratch the surface they freak out and unwllingly make me feel guilty about worrying them. I think I mostly needed this off my chest and maybe to get a reply from someone who won't judge or be hurt by what I say. Thank you, that's great it's possible to reach out like that anonymously, I hope you take care of yourself too.

it’s not triggering content for me personally to read, but given some of the graphic description I have removed some content of this submission. I hope that’s alright.

I’m very glad to hear you mention a therapist! that would have been my first question/suggestion - the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that it exists. honestly that’s half the battle sometimes! you’ve recognised that there’s issues that are affecting you and that something needs to change, and that’s a big step. it might not seem like much, but actively seeking support from others matters a lot and it’s something to be proud of. 

you say that you’re worried your friends wouldn’t believe you if you spoke about this with them....but just quietly, deep down I think that’s your subconscious trying to tell you something. how can your friends take you seriously, when you spend a lot of energy trying to convince them otherwise? ): I’m not judging you friend -- I can understand all the reasons why you try to sugar-coat things and give 10 disclaimers before talking about emotions/mental health, and I can see that part of it truly is coming from a place of love and care for them! but I feel like there also might be a part of you that does all of that because you yourself are fearful of being open and transparent about this with them, which in turn leads to you downplaying the severity of it all, which in turn leads your friends to believe that it’s not too serious, which in turn leads to more worry and fear of judgement...and the cycle continues. 

break. the cycle. that’s something that could help lift some of the fear and stress. talking to a therapist is good!!! it really is, and sometimes it’s easier than talking to friends because the therapist isn’t a friend and there’s “less to lose” so to speak. but talking to friends about something like this is just as important, it really is. you don’t need to give them all the graphic details of exactly how and when and what time you attempted suicide? that’s not entirely necessary, but what is necessary to talk about is your current state of mental health and  how you’re feeling about life at the moment. write it down beforehand, if that helps you to feel more prepared? writing it down could also help you to avoid sugar-coating things, so that your friends do take it seriously and are concerned for you. 

a problem shared is a problem halved, your friends would want to be bothered about this and would want to be there for you. stop downplaying the seriousness of this to them, i have no doubt that doing that will have had an effect on you + your self esteem as well. let us know how things go for you, all the best xxx

- tash

[amoonalls]

Patterns in 12th House Stellium People

TW: Abuse

Connected to previous post about 12th house placements and as requested, I have noticed there are some similar patterns for these natives

12th house stellium esp fixed dom ones tend to endure the bad things early in their life. They may experience some fucked up things that are done by people around them, usually close people like family members or friends but most of the times, they weren't realize the effect that will take toll on them

Which is why a lot of times when they grow up esp during young adult, all those accumulations of abuse, wrongdoings, and else erupted and thus make them have major breakdown. This is worsening if they have Mars or Pluto in 12th house. Usually they become a very different people

People indeed oftentimes have wrong ideas of them esp fixed dom ones cuz on the outside they seem like they have things together. It's also due to fact that esp Taurus-Scorpio axis, they have such shame of letting people know how mess their actual life condition is. Thus leading people to think that the thing that they're experiencing is not that serious

It's also due to fact that a lot of times, the degree of severity of problem is not seen by the actual problem but how the carrier of problem express their worry or sense of give up. Hence why when these natives seemingly do not express much worry, other people think the problem is something they still can handle. Which they can't but having faced such dismissal make them doubtful to try again

Will tell you their actual problems though after you share your own problems first in portion that is lesser than you. The secrecy is a must for them

The interest of spiritual tool as I have mentioned before is pivotal for their life direction and how they get to know themselves.

A lot of times they are born from quite hippie family. Their parent(s) may be in occupation like painter, singer, etc. Fit with Neptunian theme of romantic job. From there too, they may have tapped into spirituality quite earlier as their parent(s) already introduce that to them

But with Sun in 12th house esp, their father may be unrealiable figure. The father may have done poor job at securing the bag for family which lead to him either quit the job right away which make the wife has to struggle to save family's financial situation or he's a very moody person in terms of seeking for income

But usually the natives will love the father in some type of way, eventhough he's halfassing them throughout time. They may even prefer him than their mom, eventho the mom is materially more responsible to them. There's this sense of romanticism and idealism of father's personality which fit with the ideal father that children wanna have. No kids would say "my dad works in corporate job he's great". They will always say "my dad is so awesome look at what he draw yesterday"

Romance rarely exist but even it does, usually it's only done with selected people. One thing 12th house stellium have in common is choosing partner from emotional base. Their crush or partner is rarely the flashy one. Usually their subject of adoration is known by their kindness and emotions. May really well attract quite lowkey people

Really need someone else or at least watch other people to make them balance that 6th house energy though. Too many times their quality of mundane life decreasing as they grow into more isolation. Their early life may be great but once major problem hits, it just go opposite

Very religious people or at least deep in spirituality as they try to learn other people's beliefs that they think might be able to help them navigate life

The type of calm friend at first but turns out having so many emotional burdens

Their marriage will work really well if they choose partner who is as lowkey as them and deeply caring and together they build solid life with also richness of emotional and spiritual healing

The point is highlighted in here cuz compared to 8th house, 8th house natives tend to attract flashy partner or romantic interest. Those who are in spot of being seen and adored by many people

These natives may not trying to climb to social ladder unless they have other placements that support them to, but living peacefully like that even if their life is quite static actually bring them so much serene. It's Capricorn/8th house/Aries natives that always try so much to climb the social ladder

Some of them are really handy people when you want a faithful friend that will keep your secrets even after you no longer befriend with them. They also ironically rarely say protest toward you eventho you are halfassing them along the way. They just say that in indirect tone or later time when it's no longer endurable

[blindbeta]

Trope Discussion: The Blind Prophet / Blind Seer

This covers blind seers, prophets, clairvoyant characters, etc. Anyone who can see or predict the future, usually through seeing visions. This trope is extremely common. It also has roots in classical mythologies, religion, and literature. It is not necessarily bad on its own, but the way it is used in fiction and it’s popularity with non-blind writers makes it an uncomfortable trope for me much of the time.

I understand that not everyone will agree with me, but I think some of my suggestions can be helpful because this post offers potential ways to make this trope better for those who wish to use it.

I neglected to include it in my post about Things I Want to See More Of / Less Of in Blind Characters, but it is still something I want to discuss. I thought it warranted its own post. To get an idea of my thoughts on this trope, I don’t think it is so much harmful on its own, such as the cure trope, but rather I feel it is over-used and used in ways that contribute to ideas I find harmful. In the case of this trope, the ideas I find harmful refers mainly to the idea that blind characters need something extra or special that is designed to make up for their blindness.

The blind prophet or blind seer is something people seem to assign to their blind characters because it feels right. I would like writers to consider why this is, ways to avoid problems associated with it, and ways to be more intentional with how they design blind characters in the future. To clarify, I’m not saying you should never write a blind character who can see or predict the future. I’m not even saying this is best left up to blind writers. I’m saying I want writers to be aware and have more intent when they use this trope. Hopefully this post can help people do that.

I often receive asks or messages about blind characters who can see the future. A few common characteristics include:

1. this blind prophet is the only blind character

2. this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

3. this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received one message in which the blind prophet in question had some vision in one eye

4. seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

So, in other words, this trope can be used for writers to make up for blindness, whether that means actually giving the character sight through their visions or making up for it emotionally. For example: “This character is blind, which is sad, but that’s okay because they can see even more than we can! They’re special!”

Let’s break it down.

Discussion: 1. this blind prophet is the only blind character

Why is this a problem? First, I think we are well beyond having only one blind character in our stories. Sometimes having one blind character feels as if the writer believes having more than one would be unrealistic. Sometimes it also feels frustrating to explain over and over that affirming stereotypes can often be avoided by simply having several blind characters. Unfortunately it often feels like a struggle to get writers to consider it. This means the only example of a blind person in the story is one who can see the future, which means they affirm this trope or stereotype for the casual reader.

Second, having the prophet be the only blind character tells readers that blind characters cannot exist without something to make up for their blindness. They can’t even exist in a story without this.

Discussion: 2. this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

Why is this a problem? This one is similar to the first one. We have the token blind character who is the only one who needs sensory based powers. Because, remember, the blind character needs to make up for something, apparently.

Why does the blind person always have to be the prophet? Why can’t they be the strong one or the one with teleportation? Why can’t they be, I don’t know, the person with power of attraction or display proficiency with a weapon?

Why do they always have sense based powers? Why not another power? At least a character like Toph is a powerful bender. She can do plenty of things aside from see, plus her adaptation was derived from everyday use of a power she already had rather than a power she was given for the purpose of seeing.

It gets a little disappointing when a blind person’s power is just the ability to — I guess — see? More on that in section 4.

Discussion: 3. this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received 2 story ideas in which the blind prophet in question had some vision

Why is this a problem? I’ll try to explain this part as best I can.

There is nothing wrong with having a totally blind character. That is not what I’m getting at here. My issue resides in the idea of seeing the future making up for blindness, and this means, the character usually needs to be totally blind.

I think this is a manifestation of the myth that all or most blind people have no vision at all. This is not true. In fact, the majority of us have some remaining vision. I asked my totally blind friend who said she had only met one other person who was like her.

I think this is also a manifestation of the idea that blindness needs to be made up for. With a special sight power and not with something like flight or technology-based powers. Writers who are consciously or unconsciously accepting this idea need to have a totally blind character. Because if the character has some remaining sight, what needs to be made up for?

Discussion: 4. seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

Why is this a problem? I want to stress that these are two separate things. Both problems, but different ones that have roots in ableism.

When I say ‘making up for’, I refer to a blind character being given visions to make up for their lack of actual vision. As I mentioned before, this character, almost always totally blind, needs something to make up for blindness in the narrative. These visions can be brief ideas of the future or actual flashes of light or color. Either way, this character is being given a special kind of “sight” which makes up for their blindness. This can be a way for a sighted audience to feel better, or for the writer to feel as if they have made up for the character’s blindness. This is mostly emotional or mental. The character doesn’t need to actually see anything in order to fulfill this part of the trope.

The second part is about how sometimes the blind prophet can literally replace their blindness with their future visions. For example, they don’t need a cane while using stairs because they can predict when each step is. Or they might not be able to see people’s faces in visions. This erases their blindness. And in this case, why write a blind character at all?

On that note, discussion 3 also comes into play. If you want your character to be totally blind while failing to write them as totally blind, you shouldn’t be writing a totally blind character. In this instance, you probably shouldn’t be writing any blind characters, period, but I do think you would be better off writing a character with some vision instead.

Additionally, back in discussion 2, I said this: [quote] “It gets a little disappointing when a blind person’s power is just the ability to — I guess — see? More on that in section 4.” [End quote]. I wanted to add that having powers that just make up for a lack of sight is boring. I’m bored by it. Does it mean it can never be made interesting? Of course it can be interesting. However, that would require more work than some writers are putting in when this trope is used.

How to Avoid Some Problems

Problem 1: this blind prophet is the only blind character

To avoid: add more blind characters, specifically ones who cannot predict the future.

I generally advise adding at least 1 extra blind character, but for big tropes like this my happy area is 2 to 3 extra. You should have at least 2 to 3 blind characters in total to avoid both tokenism and this problem specifically. This means, if you have 1 blind character who can see the future, you should have at least 2 who cannot. This is the minimum.

The point is to expose readers to characters who do not follow the tropes they are probably used to and may even think are representative of blind people in general.

Problem 2: this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

To avoid: Set out to have characters who can see the future and who are specifically not blind. Also, have characters who are blind who cannot see the future.

I think, if you want a bunch of prophets in your story, this is a good way to go. You could also simply not have any blind prophets, but it depends on the story you are telling and if you have a bunch of prophet characters, you might wish to include a blind character among them.

For an ask relevant to this point, go here.

Problem 3: this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received 2 story ideas in which the blind prophet in question had some vision

To avoid: Create characters who are prophets with residual sight.

This problem is very much connected to problem 4, but I wanted to mention it just in case. It is not as much of an issue on it’s own.

Problem 4: seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

To avoid: Don’t erase the character’s blindness with visions. Don’t give them visions as a way of making up for not being able to see at all / well. Don’t connect their powers to their blindness. The idea of [quote] “My character can’t see so what if they could - gasp - see in an extra special way” [end quote] is not that creative. Also see problem 3.

Additional thoughts:

Consider giving blind characters powers that don’t involve sight, at least not in such a direct way. Whether you have a blind prophet character or not. Perhaps another alternative could be giving them several powers.

I would like blind characters to have more unique powers, because I see this trope often. It would be fun to see something different or for this trope to be subverted somehow.

Again, I want more awareness and more intent from writers. Not necessarily complete avoidance of this trope. Would I like to come across it less? Yes. But there is still hope for it.

I hope this helps.

-BlindBeta

I also offer sensitivity readings. See my pinned post for more information.

Edit: @stealthetrees Yes I think it would still apply. Think of this type of character as also being totally blind.

[thefanficmonster]

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse

[attllhak]

Surface Too Soon .2

@tortilla-of-courage and also @emenerd because apparently this story is getting a proper tag list now!

So, here’s chapter 2, featuring Zelda and Fi. I’m actually pretty happy with how I managed to write Fi here. I was worried I’d have trouble with her considering how different of a character she is from any other character I’ve written before.

-------------------

Chapter 2: Chasing Fi

There was something familiar about this woman, though Zelda didn’t know what or why.

“You are not Master Link,” the woman said, meeting Zelda’s eyes, voice gentle but robotic.

“Link, he’s alive?” She asked.

The woman ignored her, looking back around the walls. “I do not sense my master here. Proceeding to search elsewhere.”

“Hey, wait!” Zelda shouted, running after the woman as she floated away. “Wait, come back! Why are you looking for Link?”

The woman ignored her, floating out through the door of the academy. Zelda nearly ran into the door, grabbing at the handles and yanking it open, running out into clear, cool night.

She scanned the area, spotting the woman floating off a ways away.

Zelda jumped from the roof, landing in a roll and keeping up her chase.

“Hey! Wait!” She shouted, finding it hard to keep pace. “Why are you looking for Link?!”

The woman disappeared into the bazaar, and Zelda ducked under the heavy fabric to follow, mentally apologizing for breaking the rules about it being closed.

The woman paused, floating in the center of the dark building. Zelda had to squint to see her in the darkness.

“Hey!” She called, and the woman finally turned to look at her.

The woman just floated there, watching her in the darkness.

“Why are you looking for Link?” Zelda asked. “What do you need from him?”

She floated there for longer, and Zelda was about to speak again when the woman finally broke the silence.

“Apologies, Your Grace, but it is not my role to speak with you. My role is to seek out your chosen hero and assist him in his role,” she said, voice devoid of emotion, and confusing Zelda a lot. Her chosen hero? “Your presence confuses me,”

“What?” Zelda asked.

“My master is not here,” the woman said instead. “Proceeding to search elsewhere,”

“Wha- hey!” Zelda gasped, nearly tripping on a stall, and most certainly bruising her hip, trying to follow as the woman started moving again. “What does any of that mean?!”

She ducked under the fabric, desperately trying not to lose this weird blue woman. Your Grace? Chosen hero? What was she talking about?

“Stop running away from me!” Zelda shouted, only able to keep up since the woman stopped to stare at every door they passed for a few moments before moving on. “I’m trying to talk to you!”

The woman never hesitated, nor turned to look despite Zelda’s repeated shouting. It was like she couldn’t even hear her, which Zelda knew for a fact was untrue.

“I know what happened to Link!” She finally tried as the woman passed over the plaza.

The woman stopped at that, finally, turning to look at her and giving her a chance to catch her breath.

“You have information pertaining to the location of my master?” The woman asked.

“Yes,” Zelda gasped, leaning her weight on her knees. This woman was fast! “Yes, I know why you can’t find him,”

“I must ask you to provide me with this information so that I may locate him,” the woman said, staring at Zelda with her expressionless face, even the eyes looking like it was part of a smooth blue mask. “It is essentially that I meet with him as soon as possible,”

“I want some answers first,” Zelda huffed, straightening up and planting her hands on her hips. “And don’t think you can find Link without my help, because you won’t,”

The woman watched her, tilting her head slightly for a long moment.

“My analysis concludes that there is an 87% chance of you being correct about needing your help. Very well, I will answer a few questions in exchange for information on the whereabouts of my master,” the woman said, floating up in front of Zelda, who stumbled back a step. “My records indicate that your culture demands I perform an introduction at this point. My designation is ‘Fi’. You may begin asking questions now.”

“Why are you looking for Link?” Zelda asked immediately. “And what’s this about him being your master? And the whole thing with the ‘chosen hero’ deal. And why were you calling me Grace?”

“I am searching for Link because he is my master, and as destiny has begun to unfold my directives demand that I seek him out,” the woman, Fi, said simply. “He has been chosen as my master since a time long before your people have recorded memory. He has been chosen for a very important role in the future of your people, and those on the Surface. I call you Your Grace because that is your respectful designation, and I do not know your mortal name,”

Zelda frowned. Destiny? The future? Her designation? And, wait…

There was something below the clouds! If Link survived his fall, then he was down there, on the Surface! Oh, she had so many questions for when he got back!

In the meantime however…

“What’s this about destiny?” Zelda asked. “And, there’s land below the clouds? What does Link have to do with any of it?  Oh, and, um, my name is Zelda,”

“Your Grace, Zelda.” Fi said. “Your preferred designation has been noted. I am not permitted to speak on your destiny, as it is not my role to help you fulfil it, nor am I permitted to speak on the nature of my master’s destiny with you. Yes, there exists a land your people call ‘The Surface’ below the cloud barrier. Your Link has been chosen to play an important role, and it is imperative that I find him quickly,”

“That is not very helpful,” Zelda frowned.

“I have answered your questions,” Fi said. “Should you have no more, I would request that you fulfil our agreement and provide me with the information you have on the location of my master,”

“Ah, right, about that,” Zelda bit her lip, looking away. “He’s, not on Skyloft,”

“I am not sure I follow, Your Grace, Zelda,”

“It’s, it’s my fault really, it’s all my fault,” she admitted, feeling about ready to burst into tears all over again, once again exhausted by the weight of her guilt and all the crying she’d already done. “I didn’t listen to him when he said he couldn’t sense his loftwing and I, I pushed him over the edge. I didn’t realize that something was wrong until it was too late and, and he’s gone now, and it’s all my fault!”

She reached up to wipe at her face, feeling somewhat embarrassed for crying in front of this strange woman but unable to stop herself.

Muffled sobs tapered off in confusion as she felt what might have been fabric woven of metal settle around her shoulders. She looked up in confusion to see Fi looking down at her with what might have been concern or sympathy.

“What are you doing?” Zelda asked through tears.

“My records indicate that this motion is used commonly among your people as an act of comfort,” Fi said. “Your distress led me to believe this would be a soothing action to take,”

Zelda nodded, sniffling. “I’m not sure anything you do or say could help, but thank you for trying,”

“My analysis concludes that this information may alter your emotional state,” Fi said, and Zelda looked up in confusion. “My master, your Link, is alive.”

Zelda froze, looking up at Fi in confusion and shock.

“How do you know that?” Zelda asked, voice shaking.

“I am somewhat connected to my master,” Fi informed her. “I also have the ability to sense and locate certain individuals, called dowsing. My dowsing would not work if he was not alive, and it does. Therefore, he is alive.”

Zelda felt like collapsing all over again. There was so much to take in there.

Link was alive. She hadn’t killed him. He was alive and on the Surface.

He must be terrified! Alone down there, no idea where he is or how to get home. He must be so scared. Not to mention hurt! It was such a long fall, even though he survived, who knew how injured he was? He could be curled up on the Surface somewhere, injured and unable to move, vulnerable to all sorts of dangers.

The relief and worry and fear that replaced the guilt was crippling, and she dropped to her knees, clutching at her hair. She didn’t even realize she was struggling to breathe until Fi told her.

“Your Grace, Zelda, your breathing has become irregular, and I can sense you are in emotional distress. I would recommend you attempt to regulate your breathing to ease your distress,” Fi said. “I am willing to provide you with a grounding point to match your breathing to if you must,”

Zelda nodded, and Fi gently began moving one of her ‘arms’ in a gentle motion. Up, in. Down, out.

Eventually she calmed down, moving her hands to fist in her dress, knuckles still white from how hard she was holding the fabric.

“I conclude that you have returned to a stable emotional state,” Fi said simply. “If my master, your Link, is on the surface, this provides a difficult problem in my location of him,”

“Take me with you!” Zelda said abruptly.

Fi paused to look at her. Zelda imagined she would have been blinking if she had eyelids to do so with.

“Take me to the Surface with you,” Zelda explained, a bit of desperation seeping into her voice. “Let me help you find Link. If you can find a way down there safely, then I’ll help you find Link. Please,”

Fi looked at her for a long moment, then floated up. “I do require a wielder to make it to the Surface. Very well, I accept your offer of assistance. Please follow me so that we may open a path to the Surface.”

Zelda had no idea what Fi meant by wielder, but stood to follow the strange woman regardless. If she could help Zelda find Link, then she’d follow her anywhere.

Fi led her to the statue of the goddess, and then into a small room under the statue that Zelda swore wasn’t there before.

Fi, it turns out, was a sword. Which, explained a lot, actually.

It didn’t explain the sense of deja vu she got when she pulled the blade.

Her father arrived as she swung the sword and activated the little thing that lifted the frame for the tablet that Fi produced.

Fi and her father went back and forth a bit about some prophecy, but Zelda was more focused on putting the tablet in the frame, and then putting the sword in a sheath on her hip.

“Your Grace, Zelda,” Fi said as she finally tuned in. “I can confirm that a beam of light has created a small rift in the cloud barrier separating your world from the one below. Using this rift, we will be able to travel to the place you call ‘The Surface’ and begin our search for my master, your Link,”

“What?” Zelda’s father gaped a bit.

“Fi is taking me to the Surface,” Zelda told him firmly. “Link is down there, and we’re going to find him. Don’t try to stop us.”

“Well, you aren’t going now,” he said. She opened her mouth to argue, but he held up a hand to pause her angry argument. “Zelda, it is nearly dawn, and I know you have not slept yet. At least take some time to prepare before you go. I know I cannot stop you, but if you at least promise to sleep first, I can find you a better outfit to wear than your current one. It’s not exactly suitable for a trip to the Surface,”

Zelda looked down, still in her outfit for the Wing Ceremony that had been cancelled.

“I’m taking the sailcloth,” she said, and when her father nodded she eventually agreed to sleep before she left.

Fi vanished into the sword, and Zelda followed her father back down to the Academy.

The green light breaking through the clouds called to her. Link was down there. He was down there, alone, and he needed her.

Just a few hours, Link, she thought, setting Fi’s blade down on her desk, eyes still drawn to her window and the light breaking through the clouds. Just a few hours to appease my father, and then I’m coming to get you. I swear it,

She only realized exactly how tired she was when she passed out the moment her head hit the pillow.

[animepopheart]

Wonder Egg Priority, Episode 7: The Scars to Prove It (or, Love for the Moms, the Cutters, and the Drunks)

Wonder Egg Priority (WEP) has felt like the successor to Puella Magi Madoka Magica in many ways throughout its run, but in episode seven, it almost went full Madomagi by driving the stakes to their utmost height—to the death of one of the main characters. But as has been consistent with WEP, what it did instead, after some moments of true worry, is to instead deliver hope in the face of pain, resolve against overwhelming circumstances, and strength in weakness.

The series returns to Rika Kawai’s story in this episode, which starts with her turning 14. And on her 14th birthday, after leaving her hungover mother halfway asleep at the bar she works at and which they call home, Rika opens up to the rest of the girls, explaining that she doesn’t know her father (it could be any of five possibilities, or even more) and her mom won’t reveal any further information about him. As she trashes her mom, Neiru and Momoe are incredulous, which only drives Rika away from them. And though Ai goes to comfort her, Rika is in a terrible state of mind as she enters her next fight.

This was a difficult episode to watch. They’ve all been somewhat hard since the series never shies away from brutal and violent situations impacting young people, but I found myself squirming especially here as Rika’s cutting takes center stage. At one point, she decides to cut herself and it seems certain she will, before her turtle-like partner, Mannen, prevents it from happening.

Challenging, also, is how strained Rika’s relationship is with her mother, who’s life revolves around drink—alcohol both pays the bills and helps her forget how miserable her existence is. And in the midst of all the bad behavior in this episode—the usual Rika talk, her mom’s alcoholism and neglect, and the selfishness all around, one begins to feel deeply sorrowful for the Kawai women. Yes, Rika is often obnoxious, but her family life is in shambles, and she still exhibits goodness, including a curiously gentle relationship with Mannen. And Rika’s mother is a tragic figure, used by men and quite on the road to an early death, it would seem, unable to lift herself out of the gutter as she tries, in her own sloppy way, to protect and reach out to her daughter.

It’s in this hopelessness that Rika turns again to cutting, and then finds herself tempted by something even more dangerous. Her foe this time is a religious leader who led the egg, a follower who continues to believe in him, to commit suicide as a way of “connecting” with the universe (Heaven’s Gate, anyone?). Rika decries the ghoul as a charlatan, but is confronted with her own weakness when the egg shows her own scarred arm to Rika, revealing that she can tell that the latter cuts just like she did. And then she explains that Rika can be released from this pain.

The scars, evidence of what Rika does to cope with her pain, now become the weakness that they truly are, revealing how hopeless she feels, and how powerless she is against the mechanizations of her family life. And defeated, she’s about to allow herself to be killed when a surprising savior comes along—a turtle. Mannen attacks the spiritual leader, to Rika’s surprise as well, until she remembers that he has imprinted on her. Rika is Mannen’s mom, and as he did when he prevented her from cutting, Mannen is again protecting his mother.

The conclusion that Rika reaches is unusual but inspiring. She understands, in this moment, the need to protect one’s mom, finally admitting to herself in a de facto way that maybe her mother is in need of love, too. It’s funny to consider the need that mothers have for love since culturally and socially, they’re always seen as the providers of it. But of course, they need it in return, especially when they falter. My own mother is sick right now, and I think of the support I need to give her and the lack of that I’ve provided through the years.

Warning: Screenshot involving cutting after the jump.

My mother was a good one, however. Rika’s, on the other hand, has struggled with the charge, which reminds me of a story from one of my favorite books, The Ragamuffin Gospel, about another bad parent—a far worse one, in fact, and a real one. I’ll quote part of the passage from chapter seven:

“‘Our daughter Debbie wanted a pair of earth shoes for her Christmas present. On the afternoon of December 24, my husband drove her downtown, gave her sixty dollars, and told her to buy the best pair of shoes in the store. That is exactly what she did. When she climbed back into the pickup truck her father was driving, she kissed him on the cheek and told him he was the best daddy in the whole world. Max was preening himself like a peacock and decided to celebrate on the way home. He stopped at the Cork ‘n’ Bottle–that’s a tavern a few miles from our house and told Debbie he would be right out. It was a clear and extremely cold day, about twelve degrees above zero, so Max left the motor running and locked both doors from the outside so no one could get in. It was a little after three in the afternoon and…’

Silence.

‘Yes?’

The sound of heavy breathing crossed the recreation room. Her voice grew faint. She was crying. ‘My husband met some old Army buddies in the tavern. Swept up in euphoria over the reunion, he lost track of time, purpose, and everything else. He came out of the Cork ‘n’ Bottle at midnight . He was drunk. The motor had stopped running and the car windows were frozen shut. Debbie was badly frostbitten on both ears and on her fingers. When we got her to the hospital, the doctors had to operate. They amputated the thumb and forefinger on her right hand. She will be deaf for the rest of her life.'”

Max—a real person, mind you—was a successful, well-liked man, but his drinking problem led to an unconscionable decision and profound failure as a parent. And yet, this book is about grace, an idea which to humans feels unjust, but  which has the power to change hearts and tear down walls, sometimes literally.

Could Max be given grace? Could Rika’s mother? If not directly, she’s done her own physical damage to her daughter in the form of those cutting scars (difficult and perhaps triggering images below). As mentioned earlier, the egg that she’s helping knows her pain and insists that letting go of everything, including life itself, is the way to peace. After all, to a young, suffering girl, what else could these scars mean?

But in the midst of giving up, in the moment that she actually capitulates (and this episode takes you 99% to the edge, both in the cutting scene and in the apparent death scene), Rika experiences something powerful. She experiences grace.

Have you ever been challenged to forgive someone when you don’t want to, when you feel completely in the right? Maybe it’s easy for you, but perhaps it isn’t. The girls surrounding Rika experience differing degrees of this with her sometimes maniacal and often hurtful behavior. Ai forgives easily. Momoe gets fired up and then equally seeks to make peace. And Neiru…well, Neiru holds onto “justice” more than love (setting up what I imagine will be the most powerful transformation in the series of all, in true Homura fashion). But in the moment that Rika is about to give her life, the girls yell out their love for her, even Neiru, and then more profoundly, without any hesitation, Mannen puts his own life on the line to stop the death from occurring. Rika has already given up, but this turtle hasn’t—not for his mother, whom he loves very much.

And experiencing that love from a different angle, Rika is changed just a bit. She begins to see her weakness as a “mother,” failing her turtle-child, and thinks of her own mom who is overwhelmed by hurt and a failure as well. And if just a little—for as the final scenes indicate, it is just a little—the path toward forgiveness begins.

But a little bit of grace is like a little bit of a flood—its power overwhelms, and it defeats the enemy, whether that means bitterness, a physical person (or manifestation of one), or the devil himself.

When Rika returns from the event, having killed the cult leader monster, it’s interesting to note that she isn’t a wholly different person. She’s changing little by little. And her scars remain. In fact, as she admits, she probably will cut herself again. But strangely enough, those scars now represent something different. They show someone trying—failing, yes, sometimes considerably and maybe very often—but trying, and only able to try because love was shown her, and through that, she is now able to show love as well.

You may have such scars in your life, physical or emotional, battered by the world and by people. I hope that you can develop relationships that help you heal as well, and that you’ll also remember that there are other scars which are meaningful to you, but which you cannot see on your person, scars that were borne out of a desire to heal you. Christ took the piercings, on his head, hands, feet, and side, so that while your heart and flesh may be cut, your soul need not be. And through his wounds, you may be healed.

The grace offered through Christ is one that, as he explains about everlasting water at the well to the Samaritan, for now and through eternity. The egg seeks peace forever by dying, but Jesus, unlike the cult leader, died for us so that we may not have to. He took the nails, the cross, and the spear so that we don’t have to inflict pain on ourselves and receive the punishment of our actions against him and others. He is our scar.

That’s grace. That’s the power that it has. And it can reach anyone—even a terrible dad, an alcoholic mom, a tempestuous child, and, and most significantly and personally—you.

If you’re suffering and in pain, maybe self-inflicted, we encourage you to explain such to a parent or trusted adult and ask for help. It’s a difficult first step, but one that will help you begin recovering. And we also advise that you turn to Christ for help—in prayer, community, and scripture. He provides people to us that will aid us in our times of need, as well as himself and the Holy Spirit if we are believers.

Additionally, there’s a scene in this episode where triumphant, Rika concludes that cutting is okay. That’s said in the context of her moving forward bit by bit and forgiving herself for her failures, even the upcoming ones. That’s an important lesson, though we must certainly be careful not to let it be a license to continue cutting with impunity.

Wonder Egg Priority can be streamed through Funimation. Read more of our articles by signing up for our weekly newsletter.

[papa-rhys]

Thoughts on Jack and His Borderline Personality Disorder and How It Shows Through His Behaviour - Because I Cannot Stop Analysing Things That Ultimately Aren’t Important

Symptoms/behaviours under the cut because holy hell this guy has a lot of them. Like, honey, are you okay?

Okay, so I’m pretty sure I can trace Jack’s BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) back to his grandmother. His mum abandoned him, which shows a reckless/irresponsible behaviour and her mum had fits of rage that didn’t correlate at all with the trigger (ie; drowning Jack’s cat because he didn’t make his bed). So I think he has a family history of it, with both his mother and grandmother having BPD and passing it down to him.

Either way, Jack definitely has it. In fact, he’s a textbook case of it.

Impulsivity

Spending sprees: he bought a pony made of diamonds because he was bored and throws money at all kinds of ventures to keep him occupied and because he wants to. I really don’t know how else to describe this one lol. He bought a pony. Made of diamonds. Because he could.

Gambling: won some of the things on his trophy shelf through poker and owns an entire casino. Hunting the Vaults themselves were a huge gamble too, especially the first two, since he wasn’t truly sure that they existed. He was prepared to sacrifice a lot in order to come out on top in both his career and his social standing. All in all, he’s reckless.

Binge eating: he doesn’t even like pretzels, but still eats them because he’s either bored or stressed. Talks about food quite a bit in conversation, too, especially his cravings.

Substance abuse: admits to being high on uppers for the duration of the pre sequel (and his time on Elpis as a whole) and tells further anecdotes about drugs and getting high in tftbl.

Promiscuity/unsafe sex: nothing about having sex with Nisha is safe lol. But in all seriousness, there’s no way to prove this one. He does strike me as the reckless sex sort though. No proof, just 7 years of knowing him as a character.

Emotional instability

Inappropriate trigger response: he strangles a man to death for simply mentioning his wife, stabs Lilith for talking about Angel, and tries to kill Rhys for not being sure about his grand plan (more on this later). His response to triggers is disproportionate, often resulting in extreme anger over small things that don’t warrant that intense of a reaction. He gets big angry about almost everything; there’s no middle ground. His reaction is never really “you’re annoying me a lot” or “don’t talk about that, I don’t like it.” His reaction to almost everything is “oh my god I will murder your first born child how dare you-”

Quickly changing mood: aside from being prone to fits of rage at the flick of a switch, Jack also flicks back to “normal” pretty quickly, too. He flips between telling you to kill yourself after surviving the train and then talks casually about his day. He’ll be filled with rage after Angel’s death and then suddenly he’s laughing about you jumping into lava and having fun tricking you into visiting his grandmother. He can be intensely angry or sorrowful one moment and then nonchalant and sociable the next. His moods don’t last very long.

Idolisation/devaluation

Jack does this with numerous people across the games, but the two shining examples are Moxxi and Rhys; Rhys being the most notable. He idolises Moxxi, complimenting her on how attractive she is and how smart she is and including her in his circle of close friends/teammates. Then the inevitable happens and she lets him down and he instantly changes his opinion on her as if he’d never thought she was good to begin with. The same happens with Rhys. Throughout tftbl, Jack is best friends with Rhys and seems to form a one-sided connection with him where he idolises him and thinks they’re going to be best friends for ever and that they’re the perfect team. You cannot make him mad at you in tftbl (trust me, I’ve tried). He’s encouraging to Rhys the whole way through, like they’re brothers. Then the second Rhys displays doubts about something Jack is passionate about, Jack reacts violently and completely devalues Rhys, claiming him to be his mortal enemy and trying to kill him. People with BPD do this often. They have strong convictions and have a tendency to feel betrayed by people who go against those convictions. Jack does this regularly and it leads to the breakup of a lot of his relationships.

Paranoia

He vented a room full of scientists into space, just in case. I mean, that pretty much sums it up, really. Jack is under a lot of stress at this point in the game and stress-induced paranoia is a particularly difficult symptom of BPD. With him already feeling the pressure, the mention of a possible mole is a huge trigger for Jack. Especially since he’s reeling from the recent betrayal from a friend. His brain is already working over time, planting uneasy feelings of distrust and being unsafe. So when he’s presented with the idea from an outside source, he runs with it. Betrayal goes on to become a big button to push in Jack’s life to the extent that he actively betrays people before they get a chance to betray him (ie; killing Wilhelm). Paranoia feeds into a lot of Jack’s bad decisions, particularly in the pre sequel era.

Delusion

Jack wasn’t lying when he told us that he’s the hero. He absolutely was not the hero at all, but he wasn’t lying about it. Because lying about something implies that you know it’s not true, and Jack genuinely believes he’s a good person. The best person, in fact. It’s not a lie because in his mind, it’s the god given truth. He’s massively delusional, even before the events of the pre sequel. He’ll spout all the cheesy 80s movie lines about saving the moon and being the hero and he thinks he’s the protagonist of his own big adventure. We know that’s not what’s happening, but Jack doesn’t see it that way. Another delusion is the idea he has about how much everyone loves him. He thinks Moxxi is obsessed with him and he thinks Angel is being forced to work against him. He cannot conceive of a world in which people don’t like him or agree with him. Because why wouldn’t they agree with him? He’s the hero. Everybody loves the hero...

Intense but unstable relationships

Moxxi, Angel, Lilith, the Vault Hunter; I could go on. Jack’s relationships with people are volatile and rocky, even when they’re seemingly on the same side like with Moxxi or even Nisha (who he forms a tight bond with very quickly). People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, which causes a roller coaster. Jack really likes Moxxi, but then he doesn’t want to talk to her, but then he wants her on the team, but then he gets mad at her for calling him a pet name and beign friendly, and then he’s telling her she’s sexy, and then he’s cursing her, and then he’s hanging pictures of her in his casino. It’s the same with Angel - he subjects her to physical torture, then he loves her, then he’s mad at her for helping the Vault Hunter, then he’s doting on her, then he’s manipulating her, then he’s grieving for her. Everything is a whirlwind.

Distorted self-image

Oh boy. Jack has this physically and mentally. Mentally in the sense that he thinks he’s a good person when he actions are abhorrent and also because he’s massively insecure. BPD often comes with a lack of identity, which causes insecurity to begin with. Throw that in a pot alongside some childhood abuse, betrayal, work place bullying, and grief, and you got yourself a big pot of insecurity soup. Put plainly, Jack doesn’t really know who he is at his baseline. His personality and interests and ideas and needs all change on an hourly basis. He morphs to suit his circumstances. He can be open, honest and down to earth when he’s trying to trick Rhys. He can be full of worry and desperation when he needs you to head to grandma’s house. He can be cunning and clever when he’s tricking you into killing Wilhelm. He can be fatherly, he can be nasty, he can be torturous, he can be laid back, he can be clever, he can be ignorant, he can be sheepish, he can be cocky. He’s everyone and no one all at once and this probably leaves him feeling very hollow and empty; which is another symptom of BPD. In the physical sense, Jack issues with self image are pretty clear. He wears a face over his face to hide his face. Yup. And he does this because he thinks he’s disgracefully ugly. This scar he’s so vehemently protective of is something that defines his whole persona going forward. He literally claims himself as Handsome Jack, forcing people to adhere to the idea that he’s so attractive that it should be his title. Even though he doesn’t feel that way and does everything he can to hide the real him. He thinks he’s hideous and he struggles between loving himself and hating himself because of it.

Fear of abandonment

Aaaand here we are at the crux of the problem. BPD boils down to the intense fear of abandonment and this is probably what guides Jack for most of his life. His father died, his mother literally abandoned him, his grandmother neglected him, his first wife died, second wife left, girlfriend and friends betrayed him, and daughter killed herself to get away from him. Abandonment is practically coded into Jack’s DNA at this point and every time it happens, it confirms his fears more. He clings to Moxxi after she betrays him - taking her ideas to try and rile her up and even going as far as to recreate her entire bar in his casino because he wants to keep her presence around. He fights tooth and claw against Angel’s rebellion, begging both her and you to stop what you’re doing and leave. The only time he begs you is when he’s facing perceived abandonment, that’s how strong the fear is. His final words to Angel are “I’ll still forgive you.” Jack isn’t a forgiving man by any stretch, but he’ll say anything he has to in order to prevent her from leaving him. He’ll stalk people, he’ll manipulate them, he’ll lie to them or keep them physically locked up - all to prevent them from abandoning him. The worst possible thing that could happen to Jack is that, and we see the spiral he slips into after Angel. After Moxxi. After the Meriff. After his wife. He can’t bare the thought of someone leaving him and he’ll do anything and everything to prevent his fears becoming a reality.

So yeah! There it is, I finally got around to posting it lol. There’s probably a lot more little details that I’ve forgotten, but I cannot think of them right now. I’ll probably update if I think of any more! The tl;dr is that almost all of Jack’s behaviour can be linked to massively untreated BPD. He needed meds and therapy, but he didn’t get them and he spiralled as a result.

[jaskierswolf]

Flaming Desires

Summary: In a world where soulmates are connected through their kinks and sexual desires, Geralt and Jaskier decide to try out something new in the bedroom. Luckily for both of them, Geralt is a firefighter.

Rating: E

CW: No sex but lots of sexual content, wax play, dom/sub vibes, general hoey vibes, mentions of sex work.

Part three in this AU, part two written by @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde. Your turn babe 😘

Also shout out to @kuripon for beta-ing

________

Dreams; they were going to be Geralt’s downfall. On the menu this week was wax play, something that hadn’t even realised he was into, but he just couldn’t stop dreaming about it. Jaskier had taken the week off filming for his OnlyFans page, so it wasn’t a video, and yet Geralt couldn’t see an ordinary tea light without getting hard. Normally, that wouldn’t be a problem but Jaskier had arranged a date that evening so the two of them were sat in Jaskier’s kitchen with the lights down low, and a tacky christmas candle holder sat in the middle of the table.

And Geralt couldn’t stop watching the flame, the tiny pool of molten wax at the base of the wick. It was ridiculous but he had to sit on his hand to stop himself from reaching for the candle and dipping his fingers into the wax. He’d never had this problem before. He was a firefighter for god’s sake, fire wasn’t sexy.

“Jask?”

“Yes, darling?” Jaskier cocked his head, a coy smile playing on his lips.

“Are the candles a you thing?” Geralt asked, groaning as he tried to ignore his erection and eat his food but it was persistent and he was feeling particularly horny.

His soulmate just chuckled, never breaking eye contact as his lips wrapped around his fork. The bastard then had the audacity to moan softly, licking his lips in a way that was unfairly seductive, and Geralt was about two seconds from clearing the table and having his way with Jaskier right then and there.

“Don’t even think about it,” Jaskier purred in a low voice. “I have plans tonight, and I will not have you ruin them by being a brute.”

“Fuck you.”

“Spoilers,” the musician trilled, winking as he sipped his wine. The liquid stained his lips red which only made him look even more irresistible.

“I regret introducing you to Doctor Who,” Geralt groaned.

“No you don’t, you love me,” Jaskier giggled.

“You never answered the question,” Geralt reminded him gently, “Candles?”

His soulmate hummed, tongue swiping across his lips, as he tilted his head. Long fingers danced along the rim of his wine glass, and his blue eyes twinkled in the candlelight. All in all, Jaskier looked ethereal, something out of a painting, a fairytale. He even had the name to match, Jaskier, Buttercup, Dandelion. Geralt’s beautiful flower; gorgeous and deadly.

And completely insatiable.

“I thought they were a you thing?” Jaskier asked slowly.

Maybe they were, or maybe they’d ended up in some weird kinky loop through the soulbond… which Geralt had finally admitted existed. There was just no way it was some kind of coincidence. When he was feeling intolerably horny, there was Jaskier lying on his bed at the end of work, dressed in the prettiest stockings and Dandelion’s make-up. When he was feeling in the mood for just a good nature documentary and cuddles, Jaskier would turn up at his door with two onesies and a bag of takeout. They were just in sync, almost every day.

Geralt had never had someone in his life that had understood him like this before and it was completely exhilarating-- terrifying, but exhilarating. His brothers teased him about it relentlessly, and they were both careful about telling people how they really met, but Geralt had never been happier.

Even if he was discovering kinks he never knew he had.

Wax play… really?

“Well, fuck.”

Jaskier frowned, scratching absentmindedly at the scruff that was beginning to grow. He preferred to stay clean shaven for Dandelion, but in between videos he got lazy, and Geralt would be the first to admit it was a good look on his boyfriend. “Did you want to?”

“Yes,” Geralt said, probably far too quickly. “Yes,” he repeated more slowly as he felt his cheeks heat up, “but I don’t know how.”

Jaskier’s hand cupped his cheek, fingers caressing his jaw as they fell away. “I’ve done research. Do you trust me?”

“Always.”

“Well, that’s a lie. You wouldn’t even let me chop the vegetables,” Jaskier teased.

The memory of Jaskier’s cack-handed attempts at prepping the veg made Geralt shudder. The knives had been blunt and Jaskier had narrowly avoided a trip to A&E. “I trust you,” Geralt said again, grinning at his boyfriend, “just not with things that could kill you.”

“Fire kills,” Jaskier reminded him, “or didn’t my insanely pretty firefighter boyfriend forget?”

“I won’t let the house burn down, Jask.”

His soulmate giggled. “Can you imagine that phone call? ‘Hey, Eskel, It’s Geralt. We almost burnt Jaskier’s flat down playing with candles in the bedroom.’” Jaskier’s tone took on a gruff growl as he mimicked Geralt’s voice.

And that was it. Geralt stood up and pulled his soulmate into a kiss before he could protest, the taste of shitty red wine still on his lips. Jaskier moaned into the kiss, his fingers digging into Geralt’s hips and they both stumbled to the bedroom, dinner promptly forgotten.

In Jaskier’s bedroom were a few candles, plain looking, and yet Geralt felt a whole new wave of arousal. They were actually doing this, and Jaskier had apparently prepared. He was pleased to see a small bucket of water in the corner of the room and the fire blanket from the kitchen. There were times that he forgot that Jaskier and Dandelion the sex worker were the same person. Jaskier was a professional, and he took everything they did very seriously… and Geralt fucking loved him for it. He felt safe when they played like this, and it even gave him the confidence to submit to his soulmate. That hadn’t happened very often before Jaskier.

Geralt squeezed Jaskier’s hand as he pulled him over to the bed, cupping his cheeks as they kissed lazily, neither in any real rush, until Jaskier pulled away. He was smiling softly at Geralt in a way that made his heart flutter, as if there was any doubt how much Geralt loved him.

“Take off your shirt, love,” Jaskier told him, pressing a final kiss to Geralt’s cheek before getting up to fetch the candles. “I ordered a soy candle, it’s meant to be good for beginners. Cooler burn rate, but you will let me know if it hurts too much? We can stop at any time, just say your word,” Jaskier started to ramble, a nervous habit that Geralt found so endearing.

He pulled off his shirt before crossing the room to press his lips to the nape of Jaskier’s neck and his arms wrapped around his boyfriend’s middle. “Stop worrying, Julek.”

“Oh,” Jaskier hummed.

“I trust you,” Geralt reminded him.

“Hmm, I love you,” Jaskier murmured, spinning in Geralt’s arms and capturing his lips in a kiss. “Okay, right, on the bed.”

“Back or front?” Geralt asked, but he already knew the answer. He always seemed to know, but Jaskier liked to verbalise it so Geralt let him, especially as this was a new kind of play for them.

“Front please. Thank you, darling,” Jaskier smiled warmly as he struck a match, the soft golden glow from the flame lighting up his face beautiful, before he lit one of the candles.

Geralt did as he was told, propping himself up on his arms whilst he waited for his soulmate. He closed his eyes and let his mind drift, focusing on the soft melody that Jaskier was humming under his breath. There was a tingle of heat itching under his skin, and he was pretty sure his boxers were a mess in his trousers from the way his cock was aching. He had no doubt he was already leaking, but he did his best to stay still, resisting the urge to rut against the mattress. Jaskier would tell him if he were allowed to do so.

“Oh look at you, absolutely perfect, pretty as a picture,” Jaskier cooed.

His cheeks burnt, and he had to bury his face in his arms. Geralt loved the praise, but he was easily overwhelmed by it, in a good way, mostly. He still struggled to believe that Dandelion, his crush for so long, was now his boyfriend - no - his soulmate, that the videos were and always had been practically made for before either of them knew.

Jaskier pressed a kiss to his shoulder, and he hummed, letting his boyfriend know he was okay, and then Jaskier’s fingers were in his hair, scraping against his scalp. The sensation was nearly too much and he moaned, the sound muffled by his arms. Jaskier chuckled as he pulled Geralt’s hair into what felt like a ribbon, and then Geralt felt his boyfriend’s hands run down the length of his spine.

“Fuck,” he groaned.

They’d barely started and already he felt like his entire body was on fire. He felt heady with arousal and his cock was aching to be touched.

“Ready?” Jaskier asked, his voice sounding as wrecked as Geralt felt.

Geralt just grunted, and then, at Jaskier’s stern silence, mumbled a ‘yes’. He shivered as he felt Jaskier’s breath against his skin, gasping as Jaskier swatted his arse. The room was silent apart from the soft singing of his soulmate, and Geralt could do nothing but wait patiently, or rather impatiently.

Until…

“Cock!” Jaskier spluttered, his words swiftly followed by a resounding thud.

“What the fuck?”

He bolted upright, still feeling a little spaced, but he recognised the smell of carpet burning and it was enough to cut through the fog in his mind. Jaskier was sitting on the floor, legs sprawled and the candle had fallen onto the rug, catching on the synthetic fibres.

“Jaskier!” he growled, snapping his boyfriend from his shock.

“Oh- oh fuck!” Jaskier scrambled for the water bucket.

The fire didn’t last long but the mood was killed. They both just stared at each other across the singed rug, until Jaskier cracked a smile and they burst into laughter. Jaskier couldn’t stop apologising in between fits of giggles, pressing his face into Geralt’s neck to hide his embarrassment. Despite the almost torturous week of wet dreams prior, Geralt could only chuckle as he held his boyfriend close.

They would just have to try again another day.

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

Out of The Woods

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 4

"They loved each other recklessly"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even when you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the Stark tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 4,754

Warnings: some angst and fluff, some shade was thrown, mentions of violence.

A/N: this is one of my favourite songs ever. Again, I suggest listening to the song which I linked both on Spotify and YouTube right below. As always you can always ask to be added to the taglist!

A/N: the dividers were made by the lovely @chrissquares! Thank you @nacho-bucky for beta reading this!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

song on Spotify and YouTube

It's been a while since you felt this way.

Even back then, it was rare that you woke up before him, but you always relished it. You could feel all of him, the comforting weight of him almost lulled you back to sleep. With his chest pressed against your back, and arm curled around you, it felt as if he was enveloping all of you. You didn't mind that. It was weird how easily you fell back into old patterns, but how could you not? The only time you ever felt this good was with him, you never knew this kind of thing exists before him, and you never saw it again after him. But here it was again.

You couldn't bring yourself to care that it won't last, not with the way he felt next to you.

Certainly not with the small feather like kisses you now felt being pressed against your neck, spreading goose bumps in their wake.

"What's on your mind, love?" you loved hearing his voice in the morning.

"Do you think it'll all be worth it?"

"We will find out with time." He made you believe that, he knew the effect he had on you.

He felt colder against you than you remembered, he was different.

"They won't like this, you know."

"Since when do you care about what other people think?" he lifted himself onto an elbow to look at you.

You were different too.

"I have a family now. So many things have changed, Loki." His hair was softer now, you smiled as you racked your fingers through his messy hair, it was your fault after all. "You changed too."

A lot has happened after he left you, he was grateful that he decided to leave you, it was the right thing to do even if it hurt you.

"I did, I suppose."

"I mean, after you- you left it was a good few years and then I saw you on TV in the battle of New York, and next thing I know you are here in the tower with me."

"Yes, a lot has happened." He dosed off in thought.

"What?"

"Nothing, darling, we should get up." He met your lips in a short kiss, smiling down at you.

"Fine, let's go." You grabbed the sheets and pulled it against you, searching for your clothes. You pulled yourself up from the bed when you didn't see find your shirt which you changed to last night, at least that was before your second round. "Hey Loki did you see my-"

Turning around he looked at you with a smirk, already dressed in new clothes. You totally forgot about his magic, he always did it.

"Panties? They are right here, but I'm afraid they are quite ruined." You wished you could wipe that smirk off his face.

"I was looking for my shirt, you asshole." He just held up his other hand and you grabbed your shirt, turning to go to your closet.

You missed him so much.

"Then you have to fold it again- no Loki," you giggled when you watched him try to copy your movements on this lazy afternoon you shared with him. "Fold it to the other side, the airplane needs to be identical on both sides so it could fly." Loki glared at you and you tried and failed to stop your giggles. But when you weren't looking at him, he couldn't help but smile at you.

"I don't know why you call this paper thing an airplane, it doesn't look like those machines you showed me pictures of." He looked at your perfectly crafted paper and scoffed when he saw his.

"Because these paper airplanes can fly, look" you waited for him to finish his one before throwing yours. He watched your proud expression when it flew around for a couple of seconds before it fell on the floor and you went to fetch it. "Try to do it with yours."

Loki concentrated with furrowed eyebrows as he copied your movements and watched as his work flew for a second before it crash landed on your couch.

"That was great!"

"That was pathetic!"

"We can try again." You fixed his airplane and gave it to him.

"Or, we can do this my way." He smiled at you mischievously and told you to throw it at three."

"One, two, three!" when you released your plane, your watched in wonder as Loki worked his magic on it. Your two paper airplanes were flying throughout the living room together. You caught him staring at you when you looked back at him. Smiling, you leaned over the table to connect his lips to yours in a short kiss. "Isn't my way much better?"

You wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off of his face, so you brought him in for another kiss as the paper airplanes kept flying around the room.

•

"You can tell yourself whatever you want Tony, you are not a good cook." you coughed at the smoke that filled up the kitchen. Natasha was fanning herself with a towel.

"Well at least I am trying to cook! I was going to make something nice for our Asgardian guests." You almost laughed at him pointing a pan at Natasha with an apron on, but that comment died on your throat. "Where did you disappear to last night?"

"What?" you stood next to the open window, getting some fresh air.

"One minute you were with me and the next you walked away and disappeared. Wait-" she paused and tilted her head. "Did you go home with someone?"

Sam whistled from the door.

"Y/N go get some!" he raised a hand to high five you but you only glared at him.

"I got tired of the party, so what if I did?"

"That guy from IT who has a crush on you will be very disappointed."

"Who the hell has a crush on me?" with the smoke out you finally got your eggs and toast for breakfast, snatching the one that wasn't burnt.

"Mike? You know that guy who was talking to you last night?"

"What? No way, he was just making conversation and he was talking to you too." You scrunched your nose.

"Are you doubting my spy skills?"

"Yep, but either way it's not my fault if he's upset it's his problem." You shrugged, biting into your food.

"So you actually were with a guy." You looked up mid bite.

"You bitch."

"Language, the captain is here."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, Steve."

"Y/N met a guy."

"You what now?" he crossed his arms and looked at you. "Who is he?"

"No one, can we just move on? We have a briefing soon with the asgardians you're making so-called food for, so just eat up and shut up."

Natasha only shrugged at Steve's raised eyebrow.

•

"Brother, where did you go to last night? I found Tony but I couldn't find you after we split up." Thor spoke to his brother as they walked through the corridors of the Avengers Tower.

"I went to the lab, parties are not my thing, neither are your midgardian friends." Thor shook his head.

"They are really nice Loki, especially Y/N." Loki faltered in his step at her mention. It did not go unnoticed by Thor.

"Why are you so insisted on talking about her? I told you already that we are not-"

"Loki, despite everything that happened I still know you, just a little bit." He put a hand on Loki's shoulder, stopping in the middle of the hall. "I just want to tell you to be careful with her. Her friends here, and especially Steve- he will not react to it well."

"So I should just bow down to that?" Loki looked up at Thor, anger flashed in his eyes.

Shrugging Thor's hand off, he went into the room where the avenger's were sitting around a table. In the front stood Tony, waiting for the two asgardians to arrive, while he snacked.

And then Loki saw you, you sat right at the head of the table just across from him, catching his eye and then looking down when you started to feel your face heat up. Wanda smiled slightly beside you.

"Okay, now that we are all here, tell them what you started telling me yesterday. Thanks for not showing up Horny head, Thor couldn't tell me everything without you."

Thor chuckled and held Loki back.

"There were weapons that were stolen from the Asgard royal vaults. We still don't know how they managed to get to Asgard or even get into the vaults in the palace. Loki knows more about what was stolen, go ahead brother."

"Very well, the weapons that were stolen are very ancient and very dangerous. One of them is Laevateinn, my old wand-"

"You had a wand?" Pietro laughed from the corner, you kept your wide eyes on Loki. He told you about it several times and this wasn't good.

"What else was stolen?" you leaned forward now, but Loki had a hard time meeting your gaze as he looked back at Thor as if they had a silent conversation. "Loki?"

Steve turned his head to you, surprised at your tone. He was even more surprised when Loki met your eyes and kept them on you as he obeyed your request.

"It's called the Skofnung."

•

It has been an hour, and it was safe to say that everyone in the room was on their toes, tense.

"You said you kept an enchantment on it! You said you hid it, how the hell did they get to your wand?" you were standing up, yelling at Loki in frustration.

"I did do that! But after I was away for a long time, the spell around it weakened and my stupid father thought it would be safer to put it in the vaults alongside all the other things!" he countered back.

"Hey Loki, do not talk about our father like that."

"Oh come on Thor, he is stupid don't deny it." You were so frustrated that you didn't even care anymore, you could feel Steve's gaze burning into your skin as he stood beside you.

"And how would you know that?" he asked you then, and before you could think you replied on instinct.

"Because he always treated Loki like a-" you realized your mistake when you saw a shift in his eyes, and the room went quiet as the spies and geniuses caught on.

You hated that between all the anger in his eyes, you saw betrayal there too.

Loki leaned against the wall and watched the scene in front of him unraveling.

"So, it's him? Is that why you weren't telling us anything?" Steve got angrier by the second and you didn't dare look around to see the others' responses. "You two were-"

"Okay, Steve calm down now." You were thankful for Wanda but Steve only shot her down.

"No, I want to hear what she has to say. Did you lie to us about anything else?"

"I didn't lie to you Steve! I was just trying to-"

"No but you did lie to me, you are involved with the psychotic guy who terrorized earth!" he pointed to Loki then, but you knew that if you looked at Loki you'll break down.

"Steve, maybe we should slow down from the accusations." Sam put a hand on his shoulder but he didn't let down.

"Yes, Steve I was with him, and I didn't tell you because I was scared of this exact reaction! This is what I tried to prevent!"

Loki was ready to fight the captain for making you feel this way.

"You can't be with him Y/N! He is not good for you! You don't know all of the things that he did!"

"Captain, if you have any anger let it out on me, not her." Loki spoke up and walked forward in the room.

"Oh I assure you, I will." He sent daggers at Loki before looking back at you, at this point your eyes were teary. "Y/N you will stay away from him."

"Enough!" your eyes flashed at him and the room glowed in purple before it all went quiet. Wanda looked at her friends' dazed eyes and she was about to go to you when Bucky beat her do it.

"Doll, you can't keep him like this forever, he will still fight. We both know that." He and Wanda moved through their friends to get to you as you went to the door.

"Darling what did you do?" he stopped you when you grabbed him to go away.

"I just needed it to stop." You turned to Bucky and Wanda. "They are fine, I just sent them to calm down, it'll wear off once I'm up in my room. Please just calm them down, I can't bear him being mad at me."

They nodded at you. After that you grabbed Loki and left to go up to your room. It was silent.

"You shouldn't have done that." Loki looked down at you with concern.

"He didn't stop. Do you see now why I didn't want them to know?" you crossed your arms, but your demeanor soon fell and he was ready for you when you rested your head on his chest.

"I understand. I didn't realize you were that close."

"They are my family Loki, I may didn't have one when we were together but now I do," you looked up at him. "And I care about them."

Loki locked the door to your room in a green flash when you went inside.

"Come lie with me?"

"It's midday my darling." You only hummed in response and got on the bed. With the begging look you gave him he had to oblige.

Getting in the bed, you laid your head on his chest and he traced invisible patterns on your exposed skin. His other hand playing with your hair, he couldn't help but drift off into his memories.

•

"Do you want me to go punch him? You know I would." He kept silent and just took your hand until you got on the bed with him. "Or maybe I could go your style and stab him. Lightly."

"I just want to forget about that." You nodded and laid back. You let him lay his head on your chest. You wrapped your arms around him, as if you could protect him from the world. "He is my dad too, I don't understand why he always listens to Thor and not me."

"As I said, I'd gladly punch him for you. I don't care if he is a king."

"Thor's coronation will arrive soon enough. I don't think he'll ever realize that I could be king too." You had to hold back your anger at his so called family, you had to hold it back because now all he needed was a warm place, which he always found with you. He stayed quiet, playing gently with the necklace hanging from your neck, which he gave you all those months ago.

If he could, he'd stay here with you until the end of eternity. He would stay home.

"Rest now, my love, I'll be here when you wake up."

•

You woke up to Loki. He turned his head to you and gave you a light kiss to the crown of your head.

"How long was I asleep?" you stretched a bit before falling back onto Loki.

He was still here.

"About an hour, do you want me to get you some food?"

"No." you shook your head at him, he was scared of the glint in your eye. "I'll go get it myself."

"Darling, do not ignite this fire for nothing." He knew it was futile, once you set your mind on something there was nothing to do.

"I don't care, they'll deal with it. I need you now. I tried to do it quietly but they just won't listen so I'm just going to do it like you would. A big 'fuck you' to them."

"Maybe consider at least-"

"We both know I am stubborn, so you are going to come with me and we are going to get food." He remembered you being feisty but not to this level, you grabbed his arm and walked out of the door.

It could be over a week from now, but right now you just needed him with you, and they needed to realize that.

"Well then, let's do this properly." Loki smirked when he stopped you, and you matched him when he put his arms around you, and in the next second you were just outside of the kitchen.

The Avengers in the living room stilled at your sudden appearance. Steve was nowhere in sight, neither was Bucky.

"I'm going to get us food, stay here." You gave him a playful peck on the lips and went to the kitchen.

Natasha joined you a moment after.

"What are you doing?" she leaned on the wall when you pulled out some leftover pizza.

"Heating up some pizza, do you want some?"

"You know that's not what I asked," you turned your back to her, walking to the microwave. "Why him? He is not-"

"How would you know if he is not right for me? You don't know me, or him." You turned back to her, furious. You were surprised to see the momentary offended look in her eyes.

"Do you know him? He changed. There are things that you don't know, that we do."

"I know him better than all of you, even better than Thor. I know enough about him to know who he is and who he is not." Scoffing, you got out the slices of pizza.

"It's been a while since you saw him last, and by the looks of it he hurt you pretty badly, a lot has changed for both him and you."

"Do you really think I don't know that?"

"I'm just saying, Y/N, how do you know he won't hurt you again?" you took the plates to the table.

"I don't."

"I'm just looking out for you. So does he."

She didn't have to specify, you had no clue what you were going to do with him.

"You are practically a mini Steve at times, always so stubborn." She left you at that.

Loki was outside of the kitchen, just around the corner in the common room he stood with a sly smirk when some of the Avengers were in edge when he sat.

He decided to use the opportunity to study them, when one caught his eye. The scarlet witch. He hadn't met her before, yet she seemed to have a certain connection to you, she was unaffected by the commotion earlier that day.

She returned his gaze and he was suddenly affected by a weird daze. She was in his mind.

Raising a brow at her, he let her try to find something, he was stronger. He felt something crack in his mind and he could see it clear as day.

Thor and his friends were talking in the bar, drinking as usual, when he felt an urge to go back to your arms, longing to just sit with you and watch one of those silly shows you love so much.

He quickly excused himself and as fast as he could, he evaded all the eyes so he could get to Midgard the fastest.

He stood in the middle of your living room, not wanting to scare you (again). It took him a second to get his bearing when he realized the scene in front of him. Two men in dark outfits were there, when they turned he knew they were no ordinary men. And they were clearly not wanted here.

On instinct and fear he pulled out two daggers and stabbed them both in the necks before they could retaliate. When he was sure they were down, he sent them somewhere far away. His eyes frantically looked around for you. Only then when it was silent he could hear your short breaths and whimpers.

"Y/N? My love?" he went towards the bathroom which was locked, not missing a beat he got inside and saw you crying and scared on the corner, holding a hair straightener as a weapon.

"Loki?" you lowered the weapon and Loki crouched down beside you, taking your shaking body in his arms.

"Oh my love, I'm here. Don't worry, I'm here." He held you close as you let out sobs until you calmed down and your breathing went back to normal.

"I heard voices and I hid here but I didn't have my phone with me, I forgot it. They would've found me and I couldn't call for anyone, Loki." He only hushed down your panicked voice.

"I promise no harm will ever come to you when you have me, I'll always be here." He picked you up and took you to bed, spreading endless kisses all over your face.

You were curled on top of him until you fell asleep safe and sound. Once Loki was sure you were sleeping, he started chanting. He was going to make sure you were protected when he wasn't around. He put up wards around your apartment with the oldest and strongest spell he knew. By the end of it he was tired, but it was all worth it for you. Anything was worth it.

He had never felt such fear.

It was hard to keep his strong demeanor up after the triggered memory. Looking at the witch all he saw was a surprised look, he had clearly underestimated her abilities. It won't happen again.

He heard your footsteps and was eager to get out and away from the witch when the elevator doors opened and there the Captain stood, alongside the Sergeant and the Falcon.

The blue eyes were trained on him. Then they moved to a figure behind him.

The falcon put a hand on his shoulder. Steve let out a chuckle when Loki went up and stood next to you.

"The literal cold blooded killer? Are you sure about your choice here, kid?" his jaw was set, but his eyes showed more.

"He's here to help you. And yes." You took Loki's hand and kept contact with Steve.

You barely heard Bucky mutter under his breath.

"Aren't everyone in this room killers, Captain?" Loki challenged.

"Some of us have an actual reason, not an excuse." He countered.

"Steve, maybe we should let it go for now" Bucky whispered to Steve and the two of you walked back to the kitchen for your ready meal. Said meal being pizza.

"An excuse," you scoffed. "You did something bad yes, but you're not making excuses for it, you don't have an excuse for it you are just redeeming yourself and getting better. You are just setting things right."

You whispered the last part, but it didn't matter because you drifted off into your head, not noticing Loki's quiet demeanor.

•

That night, Loki lay with you in your bed wide awake as you drifted asleep next to him.

The events of the day stuck to him, the memory lingered in his mind as if it happened just mere hours ago, the strike of fear. He did not think about that day often, but he knew exactly where the witch took it from.

He stood in the middle of your apartment; you still weren't home, so he decided to walk around the place that held so many memories of him and you. The first time you invited him over; your first kiss; the first time he told you about his powers; the first I love you. But to every first time there is also a last.

He hid the numerous cuts he had. You'd probably fuss about how he would need 20 stitches before taking care of him.

It was well into the night now here on Midgard when you walked through the door. A big smile adorned your face when you saw Loki. Putting your bags down, you quickly locked the door and ran up to hug him. He held himself back from the itch to hold you and hug you. You pulled back then, looking at Loki who had a stoic look in his eyes.

"Loki, what's wrong?" the longer he looked at you, the more it started to hurt him. You weakened him.

"I'm going back to Asgard. And I will not come back to Midgard." You stepped away. One hand wrapped around your waist as the other clutched the necklace on your neck. He felt the tears brimming in his eyes at your hurt look. He could hide his tears, he knew you couldn't hide yours, but he had to go through with this.

"What? Loki, what do you mean?"

It was a hard talk. Both of you were hurt but only one showed it.

He had to do this. He had to be the one to walk out and set you free.

•

You woke up with a gasp, taking in your surroundings you were glad to see Loki was still asleep. Getting up, you decided to get some fresh air and went up to the roof.

The cold breeze hit the bare skin of your arms and suddenly you regretted not having taken a blanket with you. The city looked so calm when you looked at this from this height, so clean and collected. Then again, you knew it was because of the height, everything was uglier up close.

Leaning in on the railway, you looked out and tried to clear your mind.

"Cold?" you turned around surprised to find Steve there, getting up from where he sat.

"Were you there the whole time?" he nodded to you and you didn't complain when he put on you his big sweatshirt. You certainly didn't complain about the warmness it brought you.

You kept staring forward when he leaned on the railway next to you.

"You know I'm more stubborn than you, right?" you scoffed at that.

"No you're not!"

"Ask Bucky, he will tell you."

"Bucky knows I am just as stubborn as you." He shook his head fondly at you, then his face fell a bit when he looked at you.

"What are you doing, kid?" Steve turned to look at you. "He is bad news, you are smarter than that."

"I am smarter than that, I am smarter than to judge someone you don't know. I know Loki better than all of you do!" you turned to him, crossing your arms, still holding the sweatshirt close to you.

"How do you know him that way? You said you haven't seen him in years. Maybe he wasn't a mass murderer back then but he is now." You could tell he was getting angrier trying to get you to understand him. People kept saying that you are Steve's daughter, so you are not one to back down.

"He did bad things yes but he changed, now he is here to help us and fix things!" you stomped your foot in the ground.

"He is here because of the Asgardian weapons, he is not here for you Y/N! wake up, he will only hurt you!"

"He is still here, with me!" you felt the angry tears brimming.

"How can you still love him? That creature that he is!"

"Don't call him that!"

"But he-"

"No! you can't judge me for loving him!"

"It's wrong Y/N, he is not good for you, I won't allow it." He yelled again in his captain voice and you have had enough. Apparently he did too.

"Steve you can't judge me!" he was walking away from you and from the conversation before you yelled at him and he faltered. "You only knew Peggy for a short period of time and yet you still felt so much for her even when you weren't together. And even after you woke up and managed to find her! I knew Loki for way longer than that and I loved him for more, so you can't blame me for still loving him today and going back to him!"

The heat of the moment didn't let you apologize for what you said, but when he walked out of your view only then did you realize what you said and you wished you could take it back.

You didn't want to hurt him like this.

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love