#now i know his self-esteem issues run deep so it's not like it's all better now but... “i'd still call it a huge win”

[literally-forever]

you ever think about how part of Charles feeling a lot better by the end of the series is because he finally could do something about something? he went and got Edwin from hell. HE did that. and he bloody well succeeded

[stayteezdreams]

Mine

Plot: When you decide to show your friend San the costume you aren't so sure about, you get a lot more than you were expecting.

Prompt: "Stop staring at me like that." "If you didn't want me to stare, you shouldn't have worn that."

Pairing: Best Friend!Choi San x Gn!Reader (Friends to Lovers)

Warnings: A bit suggestive throughout. I tried my best not to be too descriptive about body type or gender but it might not be perfectly gender neutral, I apologize. Slight mentions of self-esteem issues, or body-image issues, reference to low confidence.

A/N: Don't go into this expecting too much lol, you have been warned.

Words: ~1.8k

Most years when it came to Halloween, you played it relatively safe. Choosing a famous character that matched your vibe. But you got bored of it, plus you were running out of characters you could pass for.

After some convincing, one of your friends persuaded you to dress up as a character from a show you both watched. They were also going to be a character from said show, so you wouldn't be alone.

The only problem was the costume of said characters was somewhat....revealing. Parts of the costume were cut to expose random areas of your body, and though none were too risqué, the costume itself hugged your figure in a way that left nothing to imagination.

You were uncertain if it suited you, or if you would be comfortable overall. The friend who suggested was no help in making you feel better, as they had already gotten excited about you being said character.

You had tried the costume on a few times, and every time you remained uncertain if it suited you. Was it the color? The overall vibe? Did it just not suit your body type?

When the topic of costumes came up with another one of your best-friends, San, you mentioned to him you weren't feeling too confident about the costume your friend gave you.

"I mean, I like it, but...it's not like anything I've worn before. I don't know if it suits me really."

Glancing at San who nodded along, understanding, but not fully knowing your predicament. He smiled softly, "Can I see it on you? Maybe I can help you decide?"

You perked up a bit at this, though you were a bit bashful about it too. "Would that be okay?"

He nodded with a bright smile before you hummed.

"Okay!" You rose before looking back at him, "It'll take a bit for me to put it on."

He chuckled and nodded, "No rush."

It seemed like a good idea at first, San was always helpful and always honest with you. But as you put the costume on you remembered just how it looked on you and you began to regret asking him to look at it.

San had never seen you in anything really revealing or figure hugging, not that he would care, he was one of your closest friends. But he was also the guy you had a crush on for ages. And even if he didn't care what you looked like in the costume, you began feeling timid.

Would he think you looked bad? You felt your chest clench a bit at this thought. That would definitely not help your confidence. You weren't sure if you wanted this now.

"Is everything okay?" You heard San's voice come from outside the door.

You let out a soft sigh. "Yeah! One second!"

You had finished putting the costume on but felt apprehensive about showing San. Taking a deep breath, deciding it would be too weird for you to suddenly change your mind, you walked out of the bathroom.

San was looking down at his phone and waiting for you patiently at the edge of your bed. Hearing you come out, his eyes shot up to see you, but what he saw was nothing like what he was expecting.

His heart seemed to stop all together as his breath caught in his throat. He was sure he looked stunned as he stared at you, unable to look away.

San always thought you looked great, no matter what you wore, but seeing you like this was more than he ever expected or could wish for.

The costume accentuated every part of you he often caught himself staring at. Various patches of your skin were exposed, and San felt his ears burning hot at the sight.

It took you a moment to gain the confidence to look at San's reaction. When you did you weren't expected to see him slack-jawed and stunned.

Was it a good thing? A bad thing? Was the costume too much?

When his eyes started raking over your body slowly, you felt a shiver run up your spine as you felt almost naked. You felt shy under his gaze, the look on his face something you had never seen.

You let out a nervous chuckle, "San, stop staring at me like that."

San's eyes finally rose to your face, and he saw the way his stare made you react. You were nervous and shy under his gaze.

'Cute.'

"If you didn't want me to stare, you shouldn't have worn that."

"Wh- but- I" You looked down at yourself. "You told me to try it on! To help me decide if I should wear it"

"Don't."

Your eyes shot back to him, only to see him staring at your body again. "What?"

"Don't wear it."

You looked back down at yourself, your chest tightening a bit. Was it really that bad? Or maybe he was feeling protective?

"Does it look that bad?"

Through San's struggle to keep his composure, the tone of your voice caught him off guard. Paying attention to your gaze as you turned and looked in the mirror, he realized his mistake. He was making you insecure.

He stood up, "That's not what I meant."

You looked back at him, "Then it just doesn't suit me?"

San let out a shaky breath as he desperately raked his eyes over you again before swallowing harshly. As you shuffled on your feet anxiously, he clenched his eyes shut.

"That's also not what I mean."

"Then why shouldn't I wear it?"

He opened his eyes again and took a step closer to you. Your hands absentmindedly rose to your chest out of nerves and he wondered if you were feeling as....tense as he was.

You noticed his almost darkened gaze as he stared at you again. You swallowed nervously as he stepped closer.

"It suits you....too well."

"Too well?"

He nodded and you noticed the way he swallowed before he licked his lips and spoke again. "You look great. Amazing even, and I... don't want others to see you like this."

Another step forward and he was mere inches from you. You could practically feel the heat radiating off of him as his eyes cast down to your body again. Your breath caught in your throat. What exactly did he mean? What was he thinking?

"I-" slowly, he lifted his arm, as his hand hovered above the exposed skin of your shoulder. "I want to be the only one to see you like this. I want to keep it to myself."

His voice was low, almost raspy, a shiver coursed through you as you heard it. Slowly his eyes lifted and locked with yours. The look in his gaze was almost dangerous, and it took your breath away.

"Why?"

"I don't want anyone to try and steal you from me. I want you to be mine."

You swallowed nervously; San didn't fail to notice it. He took another step closer, until your chests were almost touching. His face was close to yours and you nervously met his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"I want you to understand why I'm saying these things."

You almost jolted as you felt San's hand suddenly grab your waist, his hands touching your bare skin were the costume revealed it. His hands gripped your waist as he pulled you against him.

His eyes stared deeply into yours as he inched closer.

"San?" Your voice was a whisper, barely heard.

"I've always wanted to keep you all to myself, but I thought it was too selfish. But this. Letting other's see you looking like this, seeing parts of you only I should see. I can't stand it. So, let me be selfish this time. Please."

Your breath wavered as San inched closer, his lips almost grazing yours as his eyes held a desperation you couldn't miss.

"Please?" He repeated, his voice soft, barely heard.

Your mind was fuzzy as your stomach swirled, warmth encasing you. You were unable to speak, so you just nodded your head.

Before you could even process your action, San's lips were against yours. His arm wrapped around you in a desperate attempt to bring you closer. One hand now held the back of your head, the kiss was deep, passionate.

As his tongue met your lips, asking for entrance, you obliged, almost gasping at his actions as he pressed you up against the wall as the kiss became almost sloppy. His fingers intertwined with your hair as his body pressed against yours.

San, managing to get some form of grip on himself, pulled away, his breathing heavy as he rested his forehead against yours. Opening his eyes he looked at your breathless figure. Slowly you opened your own eyes, as your gazes locked.

Bringing his hand to your face he gently caressed your cheek. "I'm sorry. I just- lost control a bit." He gently caressed your lightly swollen lips with his thumb. "It's been so hard repressing my feelings for you. I've always wanted you so badly, and today, seeing you..." He let out a soft chuckle, "I just couldn't hold it in any longer."

You smiled softly, "How long exactly? Have you felt like this."

"A few years, at least."

Your heart was racing as your chest clenched. All this time, you felt the same way, both of you unknowingly repressing shared feelings. Hurting yourselves and each other by never making it known.

"Then I'm sorry too." You said softly and he frowned, "Because I've been hiding it for just as long."

San stared at you for a second before a smile slowly spread across his face as he let out a soft chuckle.

"I guess we have a lot to make up for."

You nodded softly with a smile and San peered down at your figure again. He hissed as he let out a staggered breath, biting his lip. Your ears burned as he stared, your heart racing.

Bringing his hand down, he gently trailed his hand down your stomach before he hooked his finger under the cloth where it exposed your side.

Meeting your eyes again he spoke with an almost hungry tone. "Are you going to wear this?"

You bit back a grin, "I suppose I can find something else."

He smiled and tilted his head as he leaned in closer to you again, his lips hovered over yours. "Good."

You wish you had taken a breath before he kissed you again. You could tell from the way his hands hungrily gripped you as he pushed you against the wall again, his lips never breaking contact, that this was going to last a while.

xx End xx

A/N: I have written some fluff, some humor and a little spooky. So I thought I would write something a bit suggestive to throw in as well lol. Hope you liked it!

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[steviewashere]

What is a Heart Worth if It's Just Left All Alone?

Rating: General CWs: None! Tags: Post-Canon, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, POV Outsider, Switching POV, Established Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Breakup (Brief), Getting Back Together, Love Confessions, Dialogue Heavy, Steve Harrington Loves Eddie Munson, Eddie Munson Loves Steve Harrington, Dustin Henderson Being a Voice of Reason, Steve Harrington & Dustin Henderson Have a Brotherly Friendship, Steve Harrington Has Self-Esteem Issues Wrote this all on Tumblr this morning literally in an hour. Hope it's good! Title from "Questions" by Jack Johnson

💕—————💕 Steve and Eddie are seen always sitting next to each other. At first, when they were just friends, it was nothing more than just an Oh, hey, this seat is empty, mind if I sit down? Now that they're several months deep into dating, it's as if they'll evaporate without the other right by their side.

Movie nights? Cuddling together. BBQ at the Byers-Hopper house? Thigh to thigh, eating off the same plate. All the seats full? A lap is now a seat.

They hold hands; Steve sometimes spinning Eddie's rings, Eddie popping Steve's tense knuckles. Arms slung over shoulders. Ankles looped around each other. Again, food shared between plates, forks, and fingers. Petting hair, twirling strands, braiding chunks. Murmured compliments and whispered questions and smiley answers. Commentary about the show or the movie or the commercial. Naps intertwined, snuffling under the only throw blanket, craning their necks to watch over each other.

It's sick.

It's sweet.

Nobody's seen them as happy as they are than when they're with each other. If they don't spend at least five of seven days in a week together, then they pout and groan and those arbitrary questions come popping back up—"Is he okay? Did I go too far with something? Why isn't he seeing me right now?" Long gaps between dates means reunions as if the world is still ending; long winded hugs and smiles too big for their faces and hushed words nobody knows how to pick up. Sometimes a kiss...or two...or three.

And then, out of nowhere, Steve and Eddie stop.

Stop hanging out. Stop talking to each other. Stop being in the same room, on the same couch, in the same conversation.

It's weird.

"We broke up," Steve says in this quiet, dismissive way. Utterly void and somehow completely flimsy. He shrugs at Dustin's confused, questioning look. "I'm fine. Eddie's fine. It was...it was mutual. Don't worry."

Don't worry?

That's all Dustin's doing now!

In what world do Steve and Eddie—or better yet, SteveandEddie—just up and leave one another's lives? Sure, the affection they put out sometimes interrupted everything else going on around it. And yeah, if he had to see basically his two older brothers mack it one more time, Dustin was going to ralph—and not in that homophobic, Billy Hargrove/Jason Carver/Troy Walsh way. But because it was always so graphic and noisy and full of pure love that Dustin had nothing else to do but look away. He had to for his own sanity!

But now it's just...gone? All of it?

The gentle, teasing remarks. The warm, sleepy, early morning laughter that followed an all group sleepover. Arcade visits where the two were fighting over the same cabinet. No more bickering over the radio station, swapping sunglasses, turning down the volume if Steve had those early telltale signs of a migraine. Goodbye coffee runs and BBQ plate sharing and grabbing the other's favorite at a convenience store—just because.

"What do you mean you guys broke up?" Dustin squawks. "What the—How in the—Just like that?! What the hell even happened? You guys were perfect for each other!"

Because, yeah, as much as he'd been cheering for the whole SteveandRobin of it all...he has eyes. He's got eyes all over his head, blinking, gazing right into the sun that is Steve and Eddie's megawatt, shiny, beautiful relationship. They're an endgame telenova couple, and Dustin just sat down with his bowl of popcorn! No way is he letting these kernels go stale.

Steve shrugs dismissively—again. He's gripping his steering wheel tight, though. And his sunglasses are sitting low enough on his nose to unsheathe his shiny, sad eyes. Dustin's a fool, but he's not a moron. These are the telltale signs of heartbreak—and yikes does Steve wear it all well...too well.

"I don't know what to tell you, Dusty. Some things just don't work out. No matter how good they were going." He flicks his turn signal to flash left, right towards Forest Hill. Right towards doom, it seems like. "We were just...we were too different, dude."

"Oh, no fucking way!" Dustin roars.

Steve brings his right hand to his ear, tweaking it. "Lang"—

"Are you intentionally being stupid or something?" he asks rhetorically. Slamming out his hands when Steve begins to answer. "Don't—Just...where the hell did you get an idea like that, man? So you don't enjoy playing some D&D like Eddie does—who actually cares? I get it now, dude, not your thing. Not your ala mode, whatever. And you listen to more radio hit, poppy songs than he does. And maybe you don't read as many novels as he does"—

"Y'know, you're kinda proving the point"—

"Ah! No! Shut up, will you? Just fuckin' slam the breaks for a minute, 'cause I'm not done." Dustin tosses his hands back to his lap, slapping them down with firm smacks. He guffaws, stuttering over the same incomprehensible, unintelligible noises of disbelief. "You guys just got each other in a way that I haven't seen out of anybody in my entire life. It's like you guys have met before, but like...like lifetimes ago. Like you've lived somewhere in the universe simultaneously in alternate timelines over and over and over again. Some real sort of Twilight Zone kind of shit.

"Who cares if you guys have different tastes? We have different tastes, don't we? You like raucous comedy videos and I'm a big sci-fi fantasy nerd in ways you don't get—and that's fine! That's completely fine!

"If you were just like Eddie—or, to take it back to me—if you were just like me, you'd be so insanely boring. No offense, but you would be. God, our conversations would just run dry.

"Some of my favorite things I'd see between you and Eddie were these just purely, like, inquisitive conversations, y'know? Where Eddie'd be complaining about some far away Lord of the Rings lore bullshit and you'd be asking all the questions. Like...like that one time you asked why Bilbo and all the other dudes didn't just take the giant eagles to Mordor! What an entertaining conversation that was. But if you knew the answer already, then why would you ever want to have a conversation about something you already know? Why would you ever want to talk to Eddie about anything fantasy wise? You'd just bore each other out!

"Or...or the whole music taste thing, right? Metal stuff gives you migraines"—

"I mean...it doesn't always give me migraines...it just gets too loud and then"—

"Okay, so it's a trigger," Dustin says flippantly, tossing up his hand. "Got it. Yeah. But the thing is, Steve, that became an obvious thing of importance to Eddie. He played his music, but he played it quieter when you were around. And...and, yeah, okay, he didn't always enjoy the pop songs—the exact same way you didn't enjoy the way Iron Maiden sounded...again, that's okay!

"The fact that you guys were willing to indulge each other, though, that's pretty big. Eddie listened to what you had to say about your favorite Madonna song. He loves hearing you talk about your music, the same way your face visibly lights up when Eddie talks about his. He wants to know you.

"Eddie wants you to be different from him. He wants to know your perspective on things, don't you get it? He wants to have somebody that'll bounce right off of him and give him something to deeply think about. He needs a person who's going to shoot him down on his stupidest shit, but he needs a person who's also going to respect him.

"Just like you do," Dustin murmurs carefully. "You used to tell me that the key to getting a girl to like you is to act like you don't care. Or to be flippant. Or to just...just go along with it. Which, yeah, pretty stupid advice, if I'm being honest.

"Something, like, visibly shines from inside you when you find yourself caring. And I think what you've been looking for all these years is a person who is not you. Or, better yet, somebody who shows up for you—in ways, maybe, a person hasn't before.

"Eddie cares about you, Steve, in ways I've never seen him care about anybody. Especially somebody who aligns with all his Munson doctrine horseshit that he's been carrying around like a fucking cement block. You align with it, maybe, but the way you show up for him is important, too. You disprove everything he's previously believed about people like you. He needed that wake up call.

"And now that he's awake, man, I don't think he's gonna want to go back to sleep." The sign at the entrance of Forest Hills is a few feet ahead, right inside his peripheral. For some reason, Steve is slowing down instead of speeding up. And Dustin feels like he's giving a debate team speech—Jesus. "I don't think you should let go of this, Steve. This relationship is right. For him...for you.

"What's the real reason you guys broke up? And don't give me the bullshit of him being too different from you. That's not true and you know it."

They could just speed right into Forest Hills. He could be dropped off. The BMW could sputter dust right in his face and leave a trail as Steve speeds back down the road, away from the trailers and the chain fence and the orange couch on the Munson porch. Instead, though, he pulls off to the side of the road.

Steve parks. Rips his sunglasses right off his face. And—for the first time ever—Dustin sees tears pour right down Steve's cheeks. He doesn't even wipe them away, just rubs the snotty tip of his nose against his Members Only jacket, and sighs.

"When'd you start giving relationship advice?" Steve crackles like he's trying for a joke. He even huffs a senseless chuckle. Eyes still wet. Cheeks ruddy pink and white. "You're gonna hate me," he mutters.

Firmly, "No, I'm not, Steve. Just be honest with me."

"I was the one who broke up with Eddie, okay?"

Dustin blinks, cowed. "What? Why?"

Steve shrugs, this time helplessly. Aimlessly. Scared. "Thought that, um...um, that he'd see that I'm not the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Not that—I mean, we're barely in our twenties, y'know?

"And I know, okay, I know that I'm not everybody's favorite person. No matter how much of my ego tries to blow smoke up my own ass. He's just...Eddie's brilliant in ways I've never faced before—out of partners, at least. He's, uh, intelligent and so...so fucking funny and just overall a very beautiful person. Looks and smarts and whatever other shit spreads between all that.

"I'm just..."—Steve stops to take a heaving, stuttering deep breath—"...just sorta the placeholder, I guess? I feel like, one day, Eddie's going to see me for the person he didn't expect and he's going to realize how little of me he actually loves and cares for. And I just...I don't know, man. I don't know where I'm going with this! I know that I'm basically talking myself into and endless fucking spiral and that I broke up with him for a very, very stupid reason, but I...

"I'm scared he's going to stop loving me, Dustin." Steve looks him dead on now. Swollen eyes and puffy cheeks and quivering bottom lip. Broken and splintering all at the same time. "I thought"—another stuttering, nasally breath; it chokes out at the end, teetering on a sob—"I thought that if I broke things off, then he wouldn't have to waste his time with loving me, but also...also to stop loving me. Does that even make sense? I know I'm being fucking irrational. And—What I did was pointless and cruel and stupid of me, okay? It's stupid!

"Eddie's probably way worse off compared to me. And here I fucking am, sobbing in my car to some fifteen year old kid as if I'm not the literal monster in the scenario." Steve scoffs to himself, rolls his eyes, faces towards the windshield again. "And now Eddie probably actually fucking hates my guts. He's probably...probably grateful that I ended things and showed my true clashing colors. Proved him and his dumb fuckin' doctrine right. I'm an asshole. That's all I'll ever be. King fucking Steve, a walking, talking, gaping asshole." He sniffs, rubs his wet nose against his jacket again, and scoffs at himself once more in utter disgust. "I mean, like, who does this shit, right? Who looks at the person they love the most in the world and decides—oh, look at me and my big, stupid self imposed hate. Better break up with my doting, loving, patient partner to make things not as bad. Look at me, Mr. Righteous doing the selfless thing! Who am I kidding, though?

"I'm so fucking selfish. And the only person who's actually hurt is Eddie. And I didn't even get to tell him that I do love him. I do, I really, really love Eddie.

"Didn't even give our relationship enough time for us to say that to each other." He scrubs his hands over his face, squishing his eyeballs with audible, wet squelches. Steve sighs around a humorless laugh. "I have to apologize," he decides aloud—said so low, Dustin's not even sure if he was supposed to hear it. "But if I apologize and Eddie asks for the reason, then what? I gotta be honest, right? But then, what, make myself look like a victim? I broke my own stupid heart. Squished it under my shoe and everything." He shakes his head. Clicks his tongue. Chuckles dry again. "But Eddie likes honesty, I guess. So...so I guess I have to be. He's gonna be so mad at me, isn't he?"

Dustin blinks again. Takes a deep breath. Flounders for a beat, then two. "That's...I don't know, Steve," he speaks carefully, "I mean...dude, that was a lot to process? I think you should apologize, for sure. If Eddie asks for honesty, though...If Eddie asks for honesty, I think he deserves to hear the truth.

"He'll probably be a lot upset, I can't tell you that he won't be. But I think...I think if you consider the fact that this is Eddie we're talking about, then there's always going to be room for compassion, maybe even some forgiveness. Eddie can be an asshole, but he's not cruel. And he can be mad, but he's not going to stomp you our for having insecurities." Dustin swallows, it clicks against the back of his throat. Then, "That's what that whole thing was, by the way. A lot of insecurities that, I gotta be honest, Steve, that need to be mended, man. You're walking around with a lot of heavy baggage and I think it's time to let some of it go."

Steve nods, slowly wiping the tear tracks away from his face. "I know," he croaks. "I know, I just..."—again, helplessly, Steve shrugs—"...I didn't think I was this bad."

"You're not bad," Dustin remarks quietly. "You're not cruel and you're not an asshole. Steve, you just...you're a good person who happens to have been seriously hurt before. Of course you're going to be scared of being hurt again.

"Sometimes heart talks over logic. And that's what happened. You got scared, so you backed away the only way your heart told you to. The whole...the whole messy aftermath is logic finally catching up.

"It doesn't feel good, I bet. But it doesn't make you a bad person for realizing you've made a mistake."

"Pretty fucking explosive mistake, isn't it?"

Dustin sighs. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, pretty explosive. But that's okay, Steve. You realize that, right? It's okay that you said some things and now you're learning from them?

"It's just like when you made that joke to me about punching out my teeth, dude. And then you caught what you said. And you walked it back. And you apologized.

"You put your foot, like, pretty firmly in your mouth, sure. Doesn't mean you can't dislodge it or something, right? Everybody does something that they aren't proud of. And that something comes with consequences.

"You're going to be okay, dude. No matter what happens. Eddie may not immediately forgive you. And you guys probably won't go back to being as all over each other as you were before. But that's okay. Time heals all wounds or whatever bullshit that saying is." Steve laughs at that, finally humorous and loud. "Also, gotta say, it's kind of fucking crazy that I'm the voice of reason right now. You realize that, right? I'm fifteen and obnoxious and somehow, I'm giving you the best advice in the whole universe."

Steve rolls his eyes. "Alright, alright. Don't go blowing smoke up your own ass, you butthead. But, uh...you're reasonable right now. So I guess I should listen to you."

"You guess? Just take the advice, you asshat! When we get to Eddie's, I want you to apologize to him and see what happens." When he doesn't get a response, Dustin sighs. "Seriously," he says, no longer teasing, "I'm going to go inside Eddie's and send him right out to you. You don't have to give, like, a perfect apology. But just be honest with him, alright? You'll be fine. And so will he. At least try to get some words out, okay?"

They finally turn down the Forest Hills drive. Park right outside of Eddie's. Steve turns to him. "Send him out," he says, "I'm sorry, in advance, if this takes a while."

"If you guys take the rest of the day, I won't be mad. You, uh, you guys are actually perfect for each other. I was being honest about that." Before anything else can be said, Dustin runs right up to Eddie's door, enters without a knock, and prepares himself to sit on the couch for a little while.

——— Steve's still drying off his face and rubbing the visible sheen from his eyes when Eddie approaches him. The two of them standing a couple feet apart at the BMW's front bumper.

"Dustin said we had to talk," Eddie says flatly instead of greeting. "Is it as important as he made it sound?"

"Um"—Steve nods, shakes his head, nods again—"I wanted...to...apologize. For breaking things off the way I did."

Eddie loudly scoffs and huffs. "Oh, so you're sorry for breaking my heart? Gee, thanks, Harrington. Like that's going to make it all better."

The drying his cheeks was a dumb thing to do in hindsight. Tears come back to his eyes tenfold. He can't bring himself to look up at Eddie, even though the heartbreak is clear in his voice.

"I don't know...I don't know what to say," Steve admits. "Guess I should just start with, um, the fact that I didn't actually want to break up with you?"

"God, you are terrible at apologies, you know that? Is that supposed to make me want you back or something? That you didn't want to break my heart, just testing the waters? See how far you could stretch my care for you until being able to just burn it up?"

Steve shakes his head. "No, I—I ran away, okay? That was me running. We...we were getting really deep into everything. And I scared, like, stupidly scared. Because you care about me now, sure, but what about a couple years from now when I'm too much again or maybe, like, too shallow or I'm full of shit or"—he sighs and slouches against the hood of his car, face pointed down at the dirt under his shoes—"Fuck if I know if we'd even survive a few years, y'know? Who says we would? It's not like my other relationships lasted that long."

Eddie audibly shifts, but Steve still doesn't look up. "So...so breaking up with me was the only option? What happened to talking to me when you get in your own head, Steve? One of the main things in a relationship is communication. I can't help you if I don't know what I'm supposed to help with."

"That's the thing!" Steve huffs out. "Okay? I don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a complete fucking baby or something, I don't know!

"You know how many other people have looked at me and decided that I'm just not worth the time? That my interests and my hobbies and my affection—all of it, just none of it mattered! And I—Eddie, oh my god, Eddie I'm so stupidly in love with you, you have to believe me. But it's...it's just a matter of time, right?

"It's a matter of time until you look at me for who I am. Like, really, really look at me for who I am and you realize that I'm not who you actually want. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not caring enough. I'm not doting enough. That I'm just not enough or something, I don't know.

"And like...like I'm so in it with you. I could picture myself just years down the road, you right by my side at the dinner table. With...with our tape collection mixed up and toppling over, the fridge stocked with our favorite drinks, mugs stained with each other's coffee mess. I could see myself dedicating all of my time to you. Bending my life in all sorts of ways to accommodate you in it, to make sure there's always somewhere for you to breathe, for you to just exist, for you to just...just be there in it with me.

"I wanted a whole life with you. I still want that whole life with you. And I...I'm so stupid about all this because it's so obvious that you care about me and that you want me, but for some reason I just led myself to believe that at some point, it would all go away. That, for some reason, you would just stop.

"And I didn't want you to stop wanting me. Because I don't want to stop wanting you. Because my bed is better with you. And my arms are meant for you and my whole—Everything! Everything I have is meant to be shared with you, just you, Eds.

"But you...you have so much ahead of you and I don't know...maybe I'm just not supposed to be in it? I feel like I'm picturing too much. Or maybe I'm just getting too ahead of myself. We were only eight months into it, but if I had the money, Eds, I'd get all the moments right to put myself on one knee. And that...that scares me, too. How much I want you." Steve tries for a deep breath, but this time—this time—it sputters out of him as a sob. A wet, scratchy, painful sob. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Eds. I'm so sorry that I couldn't see past myself. I'm so fucking sorry that I tanked everything because I can't seem to get over everything else. I'm sorry, Eds, I'm so"—

"Stop," Eddie chokes out. He sniffles. Steve finally looks up, blurred vision and all, to try and clue out what emotion is flickering over Eddie's face. No dice. "I need you to stop, Steve. Just...just give me a second."

So he does. He sits on the hood of his car, looking down at the dirt again, trying to reign himself back in. It doesn't work. But he does quiet down. Enough to hear the stuttering of Eddie's own breath, which he seems to be trying to get under control, too.

Finally, Eddie croaks, "I'm hurt."

"I'm"—

"No, Steve, stop. My turn to talk, okay?" He just nods at Eddie. Collecting himself again, Eddie takes a deep, steady breath. Softly, "I'm...I'm hurt that you think of me like that. Or that you led yourself to think that. Because it's just not true, Steve. Not at all. Y'know how bad it's been to not have you around me?

"It's been awful, Steve. I think about calling you at least twenty times a day. To tell you about the stupid mundane things I did. Like what I ate for breakfast or what show I caught late last night or the best pop song I heard in the day. Because I love talking to you.

"I love your warmth, how you press right up next to me. I love your snoring when we're napping. I love the way you ask so many questions, the way you make me stop and think, the way you want to know more, or even when you want to know less. I love the way you guide your fork to my lips when you want me to try something from the absolute mountain of food we're sharing. I love your hand in mine. I love just...

"Steve, I love you." He catches himself whimpering around a sob, but it goes unnoticed right now by Eddie. Who steps closer. So close, the toes of their shoes clunking against each other. Eddie reaches out his hands and holds Steve's head up, palms on either cheek. The both of them crying. "And you tried to tell me that we should see other people. Because we're different, but then also we're too young, but then also this and that—It hurt so bad, to watch you visibly shrink away, disappear right out of the room.

"And baby, oh, baby—I'm obtuse sometimes, but I'm not stupid and neither are you. You aren't. But everything you said carried itself as these big, flashing neon signs of I'm not okay, something's wrong. You tried to trick me against it, but I could tell you were talking yourself into dumb, dumb circles.

"Do you not trust me?" Eddie asks carefully, "is that what happened? Did I do something to make you think that I was going to stop loving you?"

Steve shakes his head however much he can. Tries to swallow his tears, but to no avail. His words come out half-garbled. "No, I'm sorry."

Eddie tsks. "Stop apologizing," he whispers, "I want you to be honest with me, okay? Is there something I did?"

"No," he murmurs, "I just got too caught up."

"Too caught up in love?"

Steve shrugs. "In myself. Like...like maybe I was too many steps ahead. It felt like, sometimes, that maybe—But that's not fair to you because I just am hopeless, y'know. That's not on you. I don't know why I got so in my head."

"What's not fair to me, Steve? Please just tell me," Eddie presses.

Bursting, "It just felt like maybe you weren't on the same level or step as me, okay? Like I was letting myself get too ahead, too involved, too head first. And that's when I get to be too much. And that's when my partner usually pulls away. And I act like I'm blindsided, but it happens every time, Eddie!" Steve huffs, tries to shrug away, but Eddie only holds on tighter. "I just...I just didn't know, okay? I didn't know that you actually loved me. Which is stupid of me to think because, like, it was always so clear, now that I'm thinking about it. You care for me in ways nobody has. And even Dustin fucking saw it!

"I don't even know what I'm trying to say! That's how dumb this whole breakup thing was on my end. I don't have a real reason, okay? I just got too ahead of myself, I guess. And at the same time, I guess I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it does. It drops at some point."

Eddie tenderly wipes at Steve's cheeks. Drying his tears. Steve feels bad about it, that he hasn't even tried to reach out and do the same. But, selfish as it is, he soaks it all up anyway.

It may be the last time he gets it.

"Steve," Eddie whispers—even his voice is tender—"I have to be honest, it makes me sad to hear that you think of yourself...of our relationship like that. But I promise you that the other shoe was never going to drop."

"Eds, how am I supposed to believe that? Be real with me."

Eddie firmly grabs Steve's face. Holds them steady. "Look at me." He does. "I am so deeply, incredibly, and passionately in love with you. And I was a fool to not tell you before, but that's not your fault. We're both young and scared and want a lot, we both let that get in the way of things. And we didn't talk like this. But. Keep looking at me." Steve sniffs, but, again, he does what he's told. "I love you, Steve."

Steve sniffles again, tries to blink the tears out of his eyes—and he's crying all over again. "I love you, too, Eds," he mutters, nearly inaudible.

"Hey, Steve?"

"Hm?"

Whispering again, "I love you a crazy lot. I love you, I love you, I love you." Eddie gives him a small smile. "We were missing that, huh? You just needed to hear that."

"Eds," he sighs. Shakes his head to try and dislodge the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I am."

"Hey," Eddie murmurs, "I know, sweetheart. And...and I forgive you, even if maybe I'm jumping the gun on that. But I know I'm going to forgive you eventually. I love you too much to let you go."

"You should take your time"—

"I am in love with you. And I accept all ten trillion of your apologies that you're trying to queue up, okay? We are both damaged goods, in a lot—and I mean a lot—of ways. It doesn't feel right to me to put us in a place where we're walking on eggshells, waiting.

"I forgive you. And I love you. So endlessly." Eddie swipes his hands over either side of Steve's head, brushing hair behind his ears. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry that I didn't make it clear how deep in this I am with you. In case it's still not clear, if you propose to me tomorrow, I'm going to say yes."

Steve chuckles. "That's ridiculous."

"The right kind of ridiculous for us, though." Brushing through Steve's hair again, Eddie sighs. "I wish you would've told me how you were feeling, though," he whispers, "that way we could've avoided any sort of mess."

"I'll get better at talking," Steve swears. "I'm bad at it. I don't want to be bad at it. Not with you."

"We'll both get better at it, how about that?" Eddie smiles small again, tenderly caressing Steve's head. He leans it, slow and careful, and plants a gentle kiss against Steve's lips. "You're too important to just let go. I love you from here to our neighboring galaxy and back."

"I love you, too, Eds. God, I love you so much. That feels incredible to say."

Eddie pecks him again. Murmuring against Steve's lips, "Do you wanna come in and watch a movie with Dustin and I? I want your questions and commentary."

"That's gonna be annoying, though."

"Come inside and be annoying, then. I've got your Pringles in the snack cupboard and your root beer on standby. Some cuddles and kisses in there, too."

Steve smiles, can feel the way it crinkles the tip of his nose. As if he can't resist, Eddie smacks another kiss, yet to Steve's nose this time. "I'll give you all the makeup cuddles in the world, Eds. Hold my hand the entire time, though?"

"And let 'em get all sweaty and gross? Hell yeah, baby. All the hand holding for you."

They've got a little ways to go, more potholes to pave, but it feels better to do it side by side, thigh warm against thigh, every question answered, and both hands held.

💕—————💕

[bi-bard]

dodie Songs That Would Describe a Relationship with Felix Catton - Felix Catton Imagine [Saltburn]

Title: dodie Songs That Would Describe a Relationship with Felix Catton

Pairing: Felix Catton X Reader

Word Count: 2,558 words

Warning(s): self-doubt/self-esteem issues

Summary: Three songs by dodie that would describe a relationship with Felix Catton.

Author's Note: I feel like I could make one of these for almost every character in this film because each one of them has a very specific vibe that fits a different artist.

**Not intentionally written in chronological order**

More stories like this!

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6/10

What goes on behind the words? Is there pity for the plain girl? I'll close my mouth, I won't say a word A nod of pity for the plain girl

To say that Saltburn was overwhelming would be the understatement of the century.

I knew that it would be a lot when Felix invited me out. He had told me a few stories. It painted a picture in my mind of a grand castle with endless hallways and countless rooms. If he had told me that they had kept a dragon hidden under the house, I would have believed him.

Being there was entirely different than the stories. I felt like a child being thrown into the deep end of the pool. His family was a glowing example of old money and nothing to do with it. Grand rooms, extravagance following you everywhere you went. It was all very fairytale-like.

It was during the first dinner that I thought about running for it in the middle of the night.

The dinner was treated as a grand event, even though it was seemingly their normal routine.

Felix tried to make me comfortable, truly he did. He helped me find some clothes that would fit in with the rest of them. He tried to pull me into conversations whenever possible. Still, I felt like a sore thumb. A complete fake.

No one was openly rude to me. I just couldn't help but feel like I was getting questioning looks and judgmental glances whenever I spoke or didn't make direct eye contact with someone. Some part of me knew that it was just my mind playing tricks on me. The other part of me was convinced that each and every one of them hated me.

I went out late one night to stand on the balcony. I was trying to enjoy the cold, fresh air but I couldn't help but look out at the estate around me. Was it ever going to feel like it wasn't suffocating me?

"Is that Felix's jacket?"

I jumped at the sound of a voice. I turned around to see Elspeth standing by the door. Even this late at night, she looked almost royal.

Her question registered a few seconds later and I looked down at myself.

"Oh, um, yeah, it is," I said. "I just grabbed the first one that I saw. Sorry."

"It suits you," she replied. "More than it does him."

I grinned slightly at the joke.

"Trouble sleeping?"

"Just a bit," I shrugged. "Needed some fresh air."

"I see," she hummed, walking forward to stand next to me. "Gorgeous, isn't it?"

"Yes," I answered, almost instinctively.

"Are you going to tell me why you're really out here?" she turned to me. She almost seemed comforted by the stunned look on my face. "It's best to learn now that no one can keep secrets from me here. I am incredibly entuned to the feelings of others. Honesty would serve you much better."

I took a deep breath. I didn't know how to explain this feeling. She likely had never dealt with it before.

But she tilted her head at my hesitation and that seemed to make me crack under the pressure.

"I just... I have been a bit overwhelmed," I admitted. "I'm not from this kind of environment. I was lucky when my family could all sit together at the table, never mind being able to dress up together. And it's... It's all lovely but... we both know that I wasn't built for this kind of life. And I'm not very good at pretending like I am."

Elspeth listened in silence.

"And Felix, bless him, has been so sweet," I continued. "But I know that I'll never fit here. No matter how hard I try. I'm just destined to be... incredibly plain."

There was something about her silence and her eyes that made it easy for me to confess all of that. As if she had gotten access to my brain and had started poking around in there to get me to tell her things.

I finally looked away, staring at the yard again.

"Felix doesn't think that," Elspeth finally spoke up.

I looked at her. She was now also looking out at the yard.

"You are likely the most brilliant thing in his mind," she explained. "He called the house after you both first got together. I have never heard him speak about someone the way he spoke about you. I knew then that he was completely in love with you. I would never say that to him, mind you. Boys tend to get so defensive when confronted with their emotions."

I felt my face only turn into a more stunned expression. Felix hadn't said that he loved me yet, so the idea that she knew from one phone call was more than enough for me.

"He adores you," she continued. "He is convinced that you are going to find your place here. And I agree with him. You, my dear, are anything other than plain."

A smile began to stretch across my face. This was easily the most down-to-earth she had ever been with me. And it meant the world to me.

"Thank you, Elspeth," I said quietly.

She smiled back. "I feel like I need a drink before I go back to bed. Care to join me?"

I nodded. "That sounds very nice."

I followed her inside. Maybe it was the darkness in the building, maybe it was just how my mind had settled, but I could have sworn that the walls seemed a little shorter than they were before.

If I'm Being Honest

Could you love this? Will this one be right? Well if I'm being honest, I'm hoping it might Could you love this? Did you plan to fall? Well if I'm being honest, oh I bet it's not that at all

Part of me hated how good Felix was with people.

He was charming and funny and that was dangerous. He could get people to do almost anything he wanted. That included me... quite embarrassingly.

I had only started going out at all because of Felix. He explained it as being a way to combat burnout, but I think it was just because he wanted me to go out.

Felix and I had an interesting friendship. We were pretty close. The only problem was that he had this tendency to say things that could be read as flirty. Logically, I knew that it was just his personality. He was just like that. But that didn't stop me from getting incredibly flustered when he did it.

Sometimes I would try to flirt back, but either I was really bad at it, or he was just immune to getting flustered.

It was another night where Felix had talked me into joining him and his friends. I had been chatting with a few people when I spotted Felix in another corner of the room. He was chatting with someone. He looked very close to them.

Usually, I wouldn't care. But there was something about that night that got under my skin.

"I'll be back in a minute," I told my friend before making a beeline for the other door.

I didn't see that Felix had even noticed me moving. Not until I made it outside.

"Hey, you alright," Felix asked as he followed me out.

I hummed, my brain taking a moment to process the question. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just needed some air. Go back inside."

"What's going on?" he furrowed his eyebrows at me. "You seem... off."

"It's nothing."

"You're a terrible liar, you know that, right? I can always see through you."

I shook my head, looking down.

"(Y/n)...," he murmured, reaching out to touch my arms. "You can talk to me. Please."

I looked back at him. "It's stupid. Please, just go inside. I'll be there in a minute."

He crossed his arms over his chest, planting his feet where he was.

"You are... such a child."

He just shrugged.

"For fuck's sake," I muttered. "Fine! I got... I got jealous."

"Jealous," he repeated.

"I told you that it was stupid!"

"No, no," he shook his head. "Jealous of who?"

"Whoever you were flirting with in the corner earlier," it was my turn to cross my arms like a child.

"I wasn't flirting with anyone," he replied.

"Yes, you were."

"Nope. Didn't happen."

"You probably wouldn't know because it's your natural state of being," I argued.

"What?"

"Yeah," I insisted. "That's why you flirt with me sometimes."

Felix didn't respond. If I hadn't been so focused on defending myself, then I would have seen the way his eyes go wide as he made some kind of realization.

"And that's fine," I continued. "Or I thought it was, but then I saw you tonight and it just... it hit different, okay? It's just because I... I don't know, I got too sentimental about it. It made me nervous and flustered and that was weird for me. And maybe that led to me getting really confused about... this."

Felix started to chuckle and ran his hand over his mouth.

"I... I like you, Felix," I confessed before I could even think to stop it. "I really like you. And I know that you don't feel the same way and that's fine. It was just the flirting and dragging me out with your friends and holding my hand sometimes and- you're laughing. Why are you laughing? Stop laughing!"

"Sorry," he said quietly. "(Y/n)... my flirting with you was very intentional."

"What?"

"Yeah, I'm friendly with people," he explained. "But I was flirting with you. I was very purposefully flirting with you. I... I thought I was being horrendously obvious, but I guess not."

"Why?"

"Why do you think," he asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows.

He chuckled again before going to cup the sides of my face. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I froze where I was. I suddenly had no idea what to do with my hands or my lips or anything. All I could think to do was close my eyes and enjoy the feeling.

He pulled away and I opened my eyes.

"Get it?"

"I think so," I muttered. "I still feel really stupid."

He chuckled. "Wanna head inside?"

"Not really," I said. "Wanna walk me home?"

The smile on his face got a little wider. "Sounds amazing."

I stepped back and held my hand out for him. "Come on."

He took my hand. This time, it felt a little different.

It was a very good kind of different.

Party Tattoos

And we're not bruised they're just party tattoos And that colourful mess is just colourful regret Black lipstick will never be a sin We'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

I had been sitting at a table in the library, frantically scribbling in my notebook when someone plopped into the chair next to me. I looked up and saw Felix sitting there with a grin on his face.

"Hello...," I said, suspicious of why he was being so quiet.

"Hi," he replied.

"Can I help you," I asked.

"Well, I was going to offer to help you," he explained. I raised an eyebrow at him, placing my pencil down and folding my arms over my chest. "You should come out to get a drink with me and a few of my friends tonight."

There was a pause before I spoke up, "I'm failing to see how this is you helping me."

"Well, you told me a while back that you were having trouble making friends here. And it'll get you a night away from your studies."

"Why would I want that?"

"Because I've seen how you study," Felix replied. "You're burning yourself out."

I rolled my eyes and turned back to my notes.

Felix's hand landed on my paper, blocking what I had been trying to read. I raised an eyebrow at him. He looked like he immediately regretted his course of action, but he was too stubborn to back down now.

"Come ooon," he begged. "One drink. If you're not having fun, then I'll get you back home to your notes safe and sound. I promise."

I sighed. "Fine."

He threw his hands up in the air, cheering. I frantically shushed him and waved for him to shut up.

I put my hands over my face, feeling like everyone was staring at me. "Oh my-"

He stood up and started walking out. "I'll meet you outside your building tonight at 7! This will be fun, I promise!"

"Shut up," I hissed at him. He laughed and continued his path out of the building.

That night, I found myself walking out of my building while I constantly adjusted my clothing. I don't know why I owned these clothes. They were anything other than my style. I just knew that I was very thankful that I hadn't lost them.

Felix was pacing outside the door when I made it out. He stopped when he heard the door open.

He smiled at me. "You look amazing."

"I look like an idiot."

He shook his head. "Not even close."

I felt my face warm up. He always said things like that. Sickeningly sweet things that made me feel like a fool. My stomach would do flips. It wasn't fair. I never got to do that to him.

"Come on," he held out his hand. I grinned and grabbed his hand.

Felix's friends had secured a table in the corner before we had made it.

I felt a pang of nervousness in my stomach. That was a lot of people. A lot more than I was prepared for.

I almost tripped when Felix pulled me over to the bar instead of the table. I could barely hear him ordering two drinks for us.

I just followed his lead. He handed me a drink and guided me over to the table. He let me slide into the large booth before sitting next to me.

I didn't expect myself to slide into conversation so naturally, but after a matter of minutes, I found myself laughing with this group that I had never really met before.

I felt very peaceful. There was something about being in this group and not feeling judged that made everything just click into place for me. I couldn't think of a time when I felt like this before. It was nice. Really nice.

It was an hour in when Felix poked my side. I turned to him. He leaned over so I could hear him properly, "How are you feeling? Wanna head home?"

I leaned back and shook my head. "I'm alright."

"You sure?"

I nodded, leaning over to talk to him. "These people are really nice."

He grinned. "Maybe you should take my advice more often."

I scoffed, leaning a bit closer to his ear. "Don't get your hopes up, Catton."

"Can't blame a guy for trying."

I leaned back again, looking at the rest of the table. If this was the company that I could expect when I went out for the night, then I could see myself getting used to this kind of thing.

Maybe I could adjust to Felix's world a bit easier than I assumed.

-----------------------------

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[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

~*~

1. hi guys hope y’all are well

for the next mood for

is it possible to have some more lesbian wangxian? i’ve read everything in the complication and now im a little obsessed

thank you for everything ❤️‍🔥

Beautiful mess, a colourful wreck  by covalentbonds (Not rated, 12k, wangxian, modern, rule 63, fluff & humor, mild smut, childhood friends, first meetings, evil vending machines)

End Racism in the OTW by Deastar (M, 2k, wangxian, F/F, modern, ABO, non-traditional ABO dynamics, alpha LWJ, omega WWX, fluff, rule 63)

Line of sight by deliciousblizzardshark (T, 8k, wangxian, F/F, pre-relationship, always different sex au, plucky heroines, misogyny, enemies to friends, WWX has ADHD)

you can always find me here by ScarlettStorm (E, 15k, wangxian, F/F, post-canon, getting together, genderswap, cisswap, trans woman LWJ, cis woman WWX, first time, vaginal fingering, oral sex)

A Heart in Ribbons by Alliandra (E, 8k, wangxian, F/F, gender or sex swap, canon divergence, war lord LWJ, darkish LWJ, powercouple wangxian, dub con, finger fucking, cunnilingus)

smoke gets in your eyes by Hi_Hello_smile (T, <1k, wangxian, F/F, modern, chef WWX, WIP)

Pocket Too Deep for Play by bigamma (E, 57k, Female WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Vibrators, Easter Eggs, Sex Toys, Autistic LWJ, Female WWX, Female LWJ, WWX Has ADHD, Lacrosse, Christian Themes, Sports Medicine, YZY’s A+ Parenting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Christian Holidays, Easter Egg Hunt, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Bible Quotes (Abrahamic Religions), Cunnilingus)

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2. Hello, I am looking for fics about Lan Zhan being an overprotective father to Lan Sizhui, thank you. @majhe2026

❤️ A Civil Combpaign by Ariaste (M, 12k, zhuiling, wangxian, arranged marriage, combs, courting, awkward teenagers, teenage drama, humor, feelings, fluff, Mojo’s post)

Work in Tandem by MimiSpearmint (E, 23k, wangxian, LWJ & LSZ, modern cultivation, single parent LWJ, swordflight instructor WWX, fluff, protective LWJ, getting together, smut)

~*~

3. Hey mods! Are there any fics where LWJ is hurtful towards WWX to protect him (like staying with him is dangerous and so LWJ acts all horrible so that WWX leaves) and then later he has to work to reconcile etc.?

~*~

4. Hello!!

So I'm in the mood for Wei Ying homeless & found fics!! Like Wei Ying has been missing & found years later, or sometime later homeless and brought home. If there is intense trauma even better 🥹 I'm not really sure what to add.

Or even Wei Ying missing & found.

Full of secrets waiting to be revealed!! @spicyramen10969​

(Un)forgettable by Edens_Cat, VividestListi (E, 67k, wangxian, modern, kid fic, misunderstandings, angst w happy ending, teacher WWX, juniors as WWX protection squad, amnesia, protective WQ, protective LSZ, matchmaker LJY, single parent WWX, smut) dont think he's homeless in any of these but wwx has been missing and gets found again in all of them

End Racism on the OTW || Yesterday Once More by Sweetlittlevampire (T, 22k, wangxian, modern, reality show au, Long Lost Family au, adoption, family reunions, lost love, getting back together, family feels, angst w happy ending)

Running Home to Me by songsofthespring (T, 34k, wangxian, Anastasia fusion, royalty au, angst w happy ending, hurt/comfort, temporary amnesia, medical inaccuraties, JYL & LWJ friendship, everyone lives au)

Where You Fell by Sweet_William (E, 303k, wangxian, 3zun, NHS/JC, JYL/JZX, modern, coffee shop au, angst w happy ending, homeless au, pining, getting together, slow burn, implied/referenced child abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-esteem issues, autistic character, WWX has ADHD, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, implied/referenced sex work, implied/referenced substance abuse)

~*~

5. Hello! I'm in a mood to know what everyone is reading right now!

The Fifth Type of Non-Contact Force by Caixx (Not Rated, 83k, WangXian, Modern AU, High School, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Fluff and Humor, Actually Somewhat Canon, Mutual Pining, Horny Teenagers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Non-Graphic Smut) Such a fun question! I'm rereading this fic, it's one of my fave teen wangxian fics

Caffeine, Small Talk by mistergoblin (E, 144k, WangXian, Modern AU, Friends With Benefits, Enemies to Lovers, or more accurately: frenemies to fuckbuddies to lovers, Angst and Fluff and Smut, touch-starved lwj, Slow Burn, high levels of sexual tension, Misunderstandings, Getting to Know Each Other, Switching, Bottom LWJ, bottom WWX, slight D/s, Happy Ending, side yanqing, lwj's patented horny grip, Sub LWJ) I just found this one and I'm hooked

Going on charmingly by scribbet (T, 21k, WangXian, Teenage LWJ, Cloud Recesses Shenanigans, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, WWX is BSSR's Disciple, Genius WWX, Petty LWJ, Meddling LXC, Canon Divergence)

Mew Dao Zu Shi by DizziDreams (T, 28k, WangXian, Tokyo Mew Mew AU, High School, Minor Violence, knowledge of Tokyo Mew Mew not required) been keeping a close eye on this Tokyo Mew Mew AU

~*~

6. for the next iitmf, I was wondering if any of our lovely readers wanted to rec a fic that they recently came across that is new and they think is worth a read ? I took a hiatus from all things fandom and now there are a ton of new fics and I don't know where to start! when I say new, I mean in the last 2-3 months. thanks everyone! I love this blog ! ❤️

The Scarlet Lotus  by rainbowninja167 (M, 137k, WangXian, Marriage of Convenience,  Secret Identity, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, It Gets Worse Before  It Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical war crimes,  Yunmeng Bros, the mortifying ordeal of getting seduced by your own  husband, nonlinear chronology we die like cql, just kidding nobody dies  in this fic, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication) these two are my face recent fics that I think deserve waayyyy more attention!

Mad about the Boy by TriviasFolly (M, 62k, wangxian, 1950s America au, greaser WWX, historical smoking, historical viewpoints, angst, internal struggle, pre-relationship, historical homophobia, sexual awakenings, sexual exploration, self-discorvery journey, self-love journey, gay academia, teenage dramatics)

here's a few I adored that I recently read! Troubled Heart, Cooking With Love. by serenare (T, 10k, WangXian, Modern: No Powers, Light Angst, POV LWJ, Internal Conflict, Intern WWX, Strangers to Lovers, LWJ Loves Cooking, Cooking, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Anxiety, Ambiguous/Open Ending)

The Housewife's Guide to Causing Chaos by dvasva (T, 99k, WIP, WangXian, Canon-Typical Violence, Functionally Trans Character, Mild Sexual Content, Domestic Fluff, Love Confessions, Transphobia, Grief/Mourning, Body Dysphoria, Fake Marriage, Canonical Character Death, Misunderstandings, Doting LWJ, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, Misgendering, Mild Angst, Assumptions, Comedic Elements, non-sexual nudity, Discussion of Various Bodily Functions, 4 years of mourning instead of 13, POV Multiple, Corporal Punishment, Trans WWX, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, pregnancy mention)

Silenced With A Kiss by NinjaKK (E, 88k, WIP, WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Flirting, Teen Romance, Cloud Recesses Shenanigans, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Soft WangXian, WWX in WWX's Body, Secret Relationship, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Dates, Inventor WWX, Genius WWX, Canon Divergence, Protective LWJ, Protective WWX, Ripple Effect, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Optional Smut, Supportive LWJ, BAMF WWX, Inappropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, Has an Angry LWJ Kink)

Truth Will Out (when caught on video) - End_OTW_Racism!  by KizuKatana (E, 82k, wangxian, WN & WWX & WQ, graphic   depictions of violence, modern cultivation, canon divergence, YZY abuses  WWX , caught on camera, partial core removal, WWX kicked out of Jiang sect, livestreamer WWX, meet ugly, dual cultivation, smut, no war, WIP) I’ll take any and every opportunity to rec  - currently my absolutely favorite fic

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7. Hello! Once again thank you for everything you do. 

For the next in the mood for i'd like to request everybodies favourite getting together fics from Lwj's perspective. I just need more of him pining for Wwx. (But if you have other good Lwj POV fics i'd love if you could recommend them too)

Thank you in advance!!

like blue flame over my fingertips by tangerinechar (T, 37k, wangxian, modern, college/university au, pining, 5+1 things, food as a metaphor for love)

Window Shopping by thunderwear (E, 18k, WangXian, quarantine fic, Single Dad WWX, Getting Together, Long-Distance Relationship, kind of??, Mutual Pining, Fluff, lots of fluff, almost no angst, Happy Ending, First Time, Phone Sex, background 3zun, switching POV, Domestic Fluff, no like a shitton of domestic fluff, some smut)

fell by you by Vrishchika (E, 44k, Dragon LWJ, Fantasy, Explicit Smut in Last Chapter, Pining, POV LWJ, Canon Divergence, Immortals, Deities, Canon-Typical Violence, Dragon WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending)

leave all your love and your longing behind by ScarlettStorm (E, 143k, WangXian, Modern AU, no magic, Meet-Ugly, Panic Attacks, autistic lwj, neurodivergent wwx, the neighborhood asshole dog, if you’ve met one then you know, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Minor Angst, major shenanigans, Happy Ending, for everyone including the asshole dog, Eventual Smut, switch rights, Sex Toys, horny yearning, Masturbation)

Child's Play by flowercity (FaoriE) (T, 14k, WangXian, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Family, Kid Fic, Fluff, Love at First Sight, Light Angst, Brief Hospitalization, Seizures, Alcohol, But no one gets drunk, Making Out, Single Dad WWX)

You'll be my by cupofwater (G, 2k, WangXian, First Meetings, Meet-Cute, Modern AU, Weddings, Fluff, Illustrated)

Admonishment by bookwyrmling (T, 6k, wangxian, canon divergence, fix-it of sorts, teacher LQR, student WWX, LQR pov, gusu lan sect positive, cloud recesses study arc, burial mounds settlement days, golden core reveal)

Keep Track of Losing Days by giraffeter (T, 74k, WangXian, NieLan, Modern AU, Case Fic, Police, Missing Persons, Mystery, Getting Together, Flashbacks, Rooftop Conversations, Detective LWJ, antifa WWX, team give LWJ friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, First Kiss, First Meetings, Seattle, Mutual Pining, nonfatal car accident, mafia wens, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Guns) 

I know what my heart wants  by yakuso5u (Not Rated, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Single Father LWJ,   Fluff, Mutual Pining, Getting Together, Accidental Child Acquisition, Domestic, Slice of Life, Christmas references)

The Second Jade of Lan's late but incendiary sexual awakening by KizuKatana (E, 41k, wangxian, modern, college au, genius WWX, competency kink, caretaking kink, canon wangxian dynamics, first time)

(not) puppy love by tiramisus (M, 3k, wangxian, modern, WWX owns an animal shelter, affection starved LWJ, LWJ’s tragic childhood, meet-cute, love at first sight)

some things go forward by everythingispoetry (T, 73k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hospitals, Teenage Drama, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending)

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8. Hello! For the next ITMF, I’m looking for fluffy fics with no misunderstanding and no oblivious WWX. Just falling in love, getting together, actual communication

i prefer canon but i'm down for modern as well :)

Question for 8: are they looking for canon or modern or both/any?

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9. Hii , thank you for all the hardwork. I really appreciate it and I am back with another request. Can you please recommend me fics where it's wangxian being in love but from outsider pov. Thank you so much @sineofu​

hey I just met you, and this is crazy by KeriArentikai (E, 9k, wangxian, modern, outsider pov, woke up married, married in vegas, with a twist, getting together, love at first sight, unrealistic sex)

Wait, What? by MarbleGlove (G, 1k, wangxian, time travel, outsider pov)

Always the right way round by so_shhy (G, 3k, wangxian, modern, office party, LWJ loves rabbits, good brother LXC, fluff, excellent boyfriend WWX, outsider POV)

The Misunderstanding by kisahawklin (T, 9k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, WQ & WWX & WN, WWX & LSZ, modern, misunderstandings, outsider pov)

Everything's growing in our garden by like_a_bird_that_flew (T, 3k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, modern, coming out, supportive LXC, family feels, established relationship, remrefenced fear of homophobia & rejection, fluff, angst w happy ending, humor)

looking through a window by glitteringmoonlight (T, 5k, wangxian, modern, college/universtity au, outsider pov, fluff, humor)

oh brother by lanzhans_rbf (G, 5k, LXC & LWJ, wangxian, modern, outsider pov, twin jades of lan dynamics, twin jades of lan feels)

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10. *cupped hands* do you of /any/ fics where jin ling gets his dajiu's gift? bonus if it comes into play as it grows up? 🥺🥺 please i can't believe the only fic i know like this is my leaves reach ever for the sun 🙏🙏🙏🙏

a symbol to remind you that there's more to see by paperminds (T, 9k, JL & WWX, JC & WWX, JL & JC, post-canon, canon typical violence, hurt/comfort, angst w happy ending, JC & WWX reconciliation)

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11. Askjhgahgahab I love your blog!!!! 

Have you heard of the fic called A Price to Pay by Wangxianist? In that one, a lot of WWX’s angst was caused by LWJ. I’m looking for fics where the same is the case. Where he’s angsty not because of the Jiangs or the SSC or anything else. But because of LWJ. But also not CQL post canon fics where the WWX is pining because LWJ left him on the roadside. 

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12. For the next itmf,  can you recommend some dark lwj fics where he is older than wwx. The time period doesn't matter. Thank you for your hard work!💞💞

A Matter of Time by mrcformoso (M, 40k, wangxian, time travel fix-it, graphic depictions of violence, underage, LWJ pov, JC pov, dark LWJ, manipulation, grooming, teen body adult mind for LWJ, happy ending for wangxian, problematic consensual underage sex, blood & violence, insane LWJ, manic LWJ) i would recommend 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 by mrcformoso, i think it fits ♡︎

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13. Hi!! I'm going crazy searching for Wen Yuan fics, especially something where he or the Lans discover his identity before WWX resurrection. I'm craving for angst. Thank you!! @niquels-mind​

no new age Series by everythingispoetry (M/T, 145k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Permanent Injury, Recovery, Disability, Parenthood, Character Study, Thirteen Years of WWX’s Death, Families of Choice) part 2 in this series is focused on pretty much exactly that!

the blurriness of being alive by RedLipped (T, 18k, wangxian, canon divergence, grief/mourning, burial mounds, angst w happy ending, hurt/comfort, LWJ is a good dad, inquiry, character study) lwj tells him before wwx resurrection but lsz doesn’t handle it very well at first

~*~

14. any fics where wwx has a dependable parental figure? preferably not jfm? examples that come to mind are jyl in the teapot plot, and lqr in ssj. i would absolutely adore more stories like this, in whichever way the parenthood comes into play ❤

~*~

15. it's been a while since i saw this request so please some inventor/genius/talented-artist wwx? love that guy :')

💖 Pentimento. by orange_crushed (E, 73k, wangxian, modern, college/university au, art conservation, museums, pining, not actually unrequited love, angst w/ happy ending, misunderstandings, smut, major character injury, hospitalization, hurt/comfort, past incarceration, forgery)

~*~

16. ITMF WWX debating with Lan Qiren? LQR could be kind or cruel, I just would love to read some fics where the two debate philosophy, practice, history, academia, etc.

Seasons of Falling Flowers by merakily (G, 40k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, LQR & LWJ, post-canon, character study, introspection, in-laws, emotional baggage, family bonding, protective LWJ, good parent LQR, LQR has feelings, LQR & WWX become friends)

💖 Minding series by WithBroomBefore (G, 85k, wangxian, canon divergence, what if WWX got therapy and recovery post-sunshot, trans LWJ) Part 2 of this series has some debating

~*~

17. Itmf: wwx dies a child birth or after having the baby, can be temporary character death.

The time we’ve lost by Anye (T, 54k, wangxian, LSZ & WWX, LSZ & LJY, modern, ABO, everyone is alive but they don’t know that, eventual happy ending, slow build, twins, misunderstandings) this one is wild bc lwj thinks wwx died in childbirth but he didn’t and has been raising lsz in America the whole time

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Which characters do you like the most and the least?

Hiii!!

Oh I love all the most important characters, although for different reasons! (I'm assuming this is about S1 lol)

I love Betty so much because I see myself in her a lot, which is something that I've always struggled to do with media representation with female characters. Growing up with such harsh insecurities, a family always trying to cheer us up about it, being so clumsy and a bit awkward, the self esteem issues, and even by the same first experience with a relationship that turned out to be fake! (Not fully the same, but something along those lines). When I first watched ysblf I felt very much like Betty pre change. Now I look back on it and still remember how it all felt! I see so much of me in Betty as a girl growing in the 2000s with lots of self esteem issues and my family as my backbone (although Betty is a much better, much smarter, and much a more patient person than me, by far lmao.) Leaving that aside, she's a genuinely good person. I love her real sorority, her genuine desire to help the Ecomoda employees, her love for her family and for Nicolás. I also love that fire in her. She's stubborn but determined. She's not perfect and allowed herself to be consumed by rage and her emotions because she's no angel. She never was. She slept with an engaged man knowing he was engaged, and she did it because she loved him. She accepted a bribe, and had it not being for her dad talking her out of it, she would have gotten the money because her family goes above anything else. She's fully human but so compassionate and funny and with so much love to give!

I love Armando Mendoza because he's so far from perfect and goes absolutely against the Prince Charming trope, but grows throughout the series and you can see how his actions torture him. He's so worried about not being enough that he ends up proving that he wasn't. He's driven by ego and fear and insecurity, and yells and threatens because he's so insecure in his respectability and leadership and deep down knows he's messing up (which is also a pain in the ego because he wants everything to be perfect to prove himself). He seems so big and threatening but he's actually incredibly mentally fragile. He has very little discipline and is so quick to get his defenses up... but he also has a weak spot for those under his charge. He knows he has power and doesn't want to abuse it. He's pretty much like an addict, always messing up and hurting the people he loves but can't stop it. He wants to be good but doesn't know how. He treats his gf like shit because he doesn't want her at all but he doesn't have the guts to face the consequences of leaving her. He doesn't want to hurt her but can't find another way to deal with her. They bring the worst out of each other.

I love Mario Calderón becuase he's a horrible person lmao. He's so calm and happy and charming that you's think you found actual prince charming, just to end up with a wicked witch lmao. His happiness and friendliness isn't sincere. He's too observant, and can quickly find people's weaknesses and doesn't care about exploiting them. He'll lurk in the corner and then insert ideas into Armando's mind. His biggest flaw is that he thinks he's much smarter than he actually is, but also is always suspicious of people around him. He's always making schemes but never thinks things through on the long run. He's totally okay with using and discarding people because he thinks they'd do the same if they could. He's totally okay with fanning the flames of paranoia in Armando's mind. He fears nothing but public humiliation, mainly because he likely lives off public perception. He's also hilarous and. Always makes me laugh!

I love Marcela because she's both so wrong and so right, and I can't fully blame her for either. She's sickly attahced to this man that she desperately wants but doesn't love, because she can't stand him or have anything in common with him, but NEEDS him because at this point it's a matter of principle, of pride, of ego, and most important, of family. He's her everything: her childhood companion, her boss, her fellow executive, her fellow owner of the company her mom and dad created, her basically adopted brother. They grew up together. It's a lifetime of attachment. Her own basically adoptive parents keep telling her all the time they're perfect for each other! But she's also so deeply resentful of him because he treats her like shit. She, just like him, is practically always on the defensive, but like an addict she cannot stop looking for him even though it hurts her so much. So she hurts him too. That's their game, the only thing they know with each other. It's a constant battle, one that keeps you on edge. At the same time, she's so full of ego that she hates every woman that Armando lays eyes on because she can't hold HIM accountable so she hates them instead. She hates Betty because Betty has everything she wants from Armando without even havi g to fight. She got it from day 1. She despises Betty because she represents all that should be between Armando and her. And it's a pain in the ego to know that Betty being so ugly and poor still wins this round over her. She thinks she should have all that because she's supposedly socially perfect and has worked for it, even though her "work" actually comes from a place of ego and hurt and pain.

Those are my favorite characters! Honestly, I could write ESSAYS about each of them, this js only the tip of the iceberg lmao

Regarding the ones I don't like, I honestly like mot of them. Different degrees, ofc. I like Mariana much more than I like Sofia, for example, and I dislike Patty much more than I dislike AM lmao.

The only character that J can totally say I fully dislike is Jenny. I dislike her so much that I skip her scenes in the rewatches jajaja whiny tones are absolutely jarring for my ears lmao but sometimes a good story can balance it out, but Jenny doesn't really have it. She's just bad because and we know nothing else lmao

Sorry this is a big rambli g with no editing lmao thanks for the question!

[inkcoffinz]

Hey uh. You mentioned that you can drop an analysis on what Denmark was like growing up. Is it possible for you to elaborate on that?

Our interpretations of Denmark has been quite... different (and I am saying this in the most positive way possible! I can *really* see where you are coming from as well) and I want to know more about it! He is my comfort character for about 6 years now and that may or may not have caused some heavy bias (/neg) in how I think of him

Of course! I would love to. Like many characters, I write Magnus as just inherently very flawed, so he was a terrible person growing up- but I just wanted to put the disclaimer that I’m not trying to single him out or anything: all the nations are messed up in some way.

Magnus is similar to Arthur in the sense that he has a very clear vision of what his ideals are- the issue stemming from that is that he often, when he was younger, either completely ignore aspects that didn’t fit that vision or deluded, unconsciously or not, that things were actually fitting his ideals.

When he was ‘born’, he very quickly was thrusted into a mindset centered around being great and having a perfect life that he envisioned. Participating in stuff like Viking raids very young kinda gave him a big head in the sense that “these people all fear me because I am so great. I must keep this greatness.” So, as he aged, his kingdom formed, his “alliances” with Sweden and Norway formed- all he could focus on was keeping up this perfect, great vision that he had. Which led him to inherently mistreat those around him, especially if they didn’t uphold to his vision. With Sweden, he grew a resentment towards him because of how Sweden completely went against his expectations. With Norway, he ignored aspects about Norway and their relationship with eachother and replaced it with a perfect ideal relationship he had for the two of them- inherently ignoring and disregarding Norways feelings on the matter. He was already so deep into this illusion that he had created, this perfect life that he did everything for, that when reality went completely against it.. he discarded reality- preferring to live his in illusion. (There are canon scenes that show how little of reality denmark actually is paying attention to- like with Norway’s house being so run down and him just then realizing his situation even though he had been partners with him for years at that point. )

Now, Magnus didn’t stay like this forever. With maturity and a very crucial series of events called the Napoleonic wars, he was eventually snapped out of his delusion. After being forced to give up his unhealthy attachment to Norway and facing both a heavy blow to his kingdom and ego, this is where I think Magnus started to see the light of.. “wow.. the world truly isn’t the delusion that I thought it was and I have been wallowing in a harmful dream that’s effected the people around me negatively” he finally processed the fact that no, Denmark, you are not all that. And at first, he was crushed and sank into self pity. Then, he just sort of accepted it. To this day, I think he still has self image issues, he now has a lot of doubts about himself, who he is, and what others think of him, but he covers up how little self esteem he has now with the jokester persona. Even more, he is now genuinely trying to be better for the people around him.

There ye go.. the den. Curious what your thoughts are on my interpretation! Feel free to share!

[musicallisto]

and also happy birthday!!!

sending in a 🐚 + i’m bi, I like reading, writing, gaming and yoga, turn ons include pet names and receiving the princess treatment, turns offs include not sticking up for me and being messy

my fandoms from your list are bridgerton and red dead redemption💗💗

thanks so much for running this event it is soooo fun!!!<3

ohhh princess treatment, you say... let me introduce you to the absolute kings of making you feel like you are the very center of the world...

please... you know it had to be him. not only because I'm a strong supporter of the way you write him and think you are the authority on anything arthur morgan related, but also and most importantly because have you seen the way he tends his horse? how gently he talks to her when he strokes her mane? i'm thinking soooo many thoughts and none of them pure

not only that, but he is generally so caring (especially high honor!arthur, who's my personal canon interpretation of him) with those he loves and even strangers who sense the goodness in him. that energy would definitely translate into any romantic relationship, even though he'll need to get over a lot of self-doubt and self-esteem issues to make it work

in a modern AU you'd get him into yoga for sure. i can only imagine how tired and sore all those muscles are from all the hiking around the woods and fixing up stuff in your farmhouse and cutting up wood and—he needs a break, but not one where he feels too idle and therefore like he's wasting time, and especially not one where he can't be surrounded by nature. which is how you convince him to give yoga a try, on a fine dewy morning in your frontyard

he thinks it's a little stupid at first—"how's all that twistin' and bendin' supposed to make me feel better?"—but you're really persuasive and he doesn't mind the sight of you in your yoga clothes either, to be honest

he'd find it really relaxing and a surprisingly effective way to connect with nature and his surroundings, but he'd still groan a little for good measure because he doesn't want to admit you were right too easily. that, and also the poor man is NOT flexible and he is struggling.

pet names!!!!! so!!!! many!!!! pet names!!!! "darlin'" this and "sweetheart" that. "honey" and "princess" and "GOOD GIRL"?!?!,!?,,?? in that deep, southern voice of his? i need to lie down.

of course he'd stick up for you anytime you need it, and even when you don't. he pledges his loyalty to the people he loves, to the bitter end, so he'll always always defend you, even when you're a little bit wrong, lmao, but that's only because he's a beloved himbo and he thinks you're always right and so smart

also this is a little bonus—I considered mary-beth as well, because i think you too would be so so cute and actual real life ladies together &lt;3

ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

now, if princess treatment had a name and a face... it would certainly bear a striking resemblance to that of benedict bridgerton.

the man is literally so smitten with you, there's nothing he wouldn't do to prove the depth of his affections. expect every grand gesture you've read about in the books; bouquets of your favorite flowers and countless portraits and blazing handwritten letters slipped into the secrecy of your gloved hand at balls.

anthony wonders why his younger brother looks so... miles away, like his whole being rather than just his head is in the clouds (more so than usual), and also why the family's expenses have skyrocketed all of a sudden... but violet discourages him from badgering benedict about it, because she's too elated that he's finally found a lady to seriously court, lol

since you're so well-read, and therefore spirited and quick, as well as artistic and creative, your conversations with benedict are as stimulating as they are witty... and that's not mentioning your correspondence. you could send each other letters back and forth every single day, were it not for decorum: it's already quite scandalous that an unwedded lord and lady are writing to each other personally, you're supposed to at least entertain your other suitors into thinking they have the ghost of a chance with you. which they don't, because it's clear as snow no one compares to benedict's bohemian soul.

it's true, however, that benedict can be quite... messy, asjdfjab, and he's thankful that it's him who visits you and not the other way around because he would Not want you to see the mess that is his studio. but you give him an incentive to start tidying up a little more! because you deserve only the best &lt;3

literally prince charming incarnate with the perfect dash of mystery and edginess to keep you on your toes. what else do I need to say

[wearethecovenofchaos]

Being with Evan seems tiring and exhausting. Yes, he’s damaged and has self-esteem issues, we all know that by now! Yes, we know that not all of his relationships were trashy. Yes, he’s a sweet guy but I dare to say that he might also be part of the problem and why all his relationships seem to fail. He’s looking for someone to have a deep connection with, but does he actually put in the effort as well or does he just go with the flow? Isn’t it hypocritical of him to expect his partner to be good and loyal, yet he goes around dating different women without wanting to commit…I remember a waitress on fb saying how she saw him with a girl in the bar she works at and shortly after, he was seen with Natalie. Her reaction was how fast Evan moved on from one girl to the next. I mean c’mon, a man of his age jumping from one woman to another is such a turn-off. He keeps running away from important issues instead of confronting them.

I understand and respect your point, anon. But we know that Evan is not perfect, he’s a human being and he has his flaws too, ofc. And I repeat what I have always said: it’s not easy to be in a relationship with a person like him.

I don’t think Evan is a player who doesn’t make things clear with the girls he dates. There’s no problem in not wanting to commit, since he’s being honest about it. And I really hope he works on his issues, so that he can have better and deeper relationships. And I don’t think he will get fully healed from all his wounds and traumas, but I hope that at least he can learn better how to cope with his emotions.

[rahuratna]

Oh, now this gets interesting.

What's great to me is that this chapter is literally just them embracing after sex, but there's SO MUCH going on, so many thoughts running through both their minds which reveal more about their characters.

I did not suspect that Tav would have something this serious hidden away! I think that's a product of how we assume that the heroism and leadership come naturally to such a character, who plays this specific role in the story, but this was a surprise.

Firstly, the way Astarion reflects on the sex they've had is so telling in terms of how different this is than all the other forced/coerced encounters he's had. There is an element of give and take, of Tav giving him pleasure, but also letting him lead, to find ways of satisfying them both. This was something that Astarion could never previously enjoy, or even needed to take into account, because as long as his did his job of seduction, he could complete his dreaded task and be done with it. This is like night and day in terms of showcasing the agency he has during sex with Tav, that he is a free participant who can indulge himself as much as his partner.

When Tav froze, I thought wait. So there's something else! Here it comes. As soon as she mentioned 'he' I got an ominous feeling, because there was so much weight behind that. From what you've slowly revealed, this person was obviously responsible for a trauma response from her, that these events happened some time in her past, that abduction was involved! And now there are initial parts of the story that are tying in and suddenly making more sense.

Tav'e responses to Astarion and her deep consideration for him, the way she made it so clear that she wasn't using him for sex, but went to such an extreme as to self-sabotage in their potential relationship ... it's starting to make sense as to why she's so fixated on these things. She herself has been through some great trauma, and while she was equipped to understand Astarion better than anyone else, she's not trained for such things. She lashes out to defend herself, because she's just as vulnerable as he is! Hmmm, it's all coming together now!

Also, I really think you've nailed the way abuse and trauma impacts self esteem and the way people see themselves. That's so clear here with, firstly,the way Astarion reacts to Tav's hesitation. Even though they've just declared their love, in the most honest way possible, even though they've had sex which obviously cemented a deeper connection between them, he still experiences that crippling doubt in this moment when he's vulnerable. He immediately thinks of himself as unlovable, and goes on to wonder about how much Tav would detest him if she knew about all the blood on his hands, and how many victims he procured for Cazador. He literally refers to himself as 'disgusting' and unworthy of the love she just freely gave to him.

Then there's Tav's reaction to Astarion, which is a classic trauma response of someone who has experienced some form of abuse in their life. She immediately questions HER self worth, re-lives the way true affection was never give to her, how she, like Astarion, experienced the coldness of someone turning away and getting up after sex without a backward glance because they've used her. She never wanted Astarion to feel that way in their romance, because she knew exactly how it felt!

The part where she wishes she could hear his heartbeat is particularly poignant, because isn't that how we tell how the person closest to us is feeling? To be close to them, physically and mentally, is to listen to and observe their physical signs and interpret them based on how well we know them. I think not being able to hear his heartbeat is also so symbolic of their relationship, because she doesn't need to. They are already such kindred spirits in ways they don't even know yet, that such basic tells will probably become obsolete if they work through their issues and become stronger together.

I also really like how the way they comfort each other is written. It's awkward, it's strange and unfamiliar to them both, and it's such a contrast to the amazing sex they had just a short while ago. Astarion patting her awkwardly on the back made me laugh, but also feel so much for them both, because even though the sex felt effortless, this is one area they both struggle in. Youve written them both slowly feeling their way, blindly, but seeking out the right path still.

Thank you for this eye-opening chapter, which gives some answers about the characters reactions and motivation, but also open up so many questions about how they will meet challenges in their future!

Written in the Stars - Chapter 7

Pairings: Astarion x Tav

Rating: Explicit

Summary: For months Astarion and Tav have been growing closer and both of them would consider the other a good friend at this point. But is friendship really what either of them truly want? One night has the potential to change their relationship forever. Will the two of them be able to overcome the hurdles a new romance throws their way while they navigate the impending threat of the Netherbrain? Or will past trauma's come back to haunt them permanently? Get swept up in this whirlwind of passion, love, and fear as the characters of Baldur's Gate 3 take on the Cult of the Absolute.

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Chapter 7: Unsteady, Unsure

Word Count: 4,572

Warnings: Angst, References to SA, Past Trauma, PTSD, Self-Hate, Insecurities, Implied Smut

Song: Haunted - Taylor Swift

A/N: Apologies for the shorter chapter. I had to split what I had planned into separate parts because things were looking like they would get too long. Chapter 8 will be a much longer one. As a heads up, Chapter 8 is going to take around two-three weeks to come out as I am going to a convention to meet Neil Newbon this coming weekend and I plan to edit what I have written so far as well. So that means my writing time is going to be reduced for about a week or so. I promise I won't hold you all in suspense for too long though and that we will be done with angst for a while as we move into the next segment of seven chapters.

Astarion worked both of them through their orgasms. His hips never stilled until he had gone completely soft and Tav was a quivering mess beneath him. As he slipped out of her sex he rolled off her body, landing on his back by her side. His chest was heaving, his breaths coming in quick pants. Rosy lips were parted in a breathless smile as his mind fought to catch up with what had just happened. His eyes focused on the stars shining down between tree leaves. Tav loved him. She had always loved him. He felt foolish for never having realized it. But now? All was out in the open. They loved each other and she had given herself to him entirely. Her heart, her trust, her body. Her body… By the Gods was that sex incredible. She had taken him better than anyone ever had, like she was made to fit him and only him. The ways in which their bodies had so perfectly molded together felt unreal. She had moved and bent exactly how he wanted her to, never giving any resistance when he’d pulled her against him in different ways, in different positions. How she had reacted to him, clenching and spasming, gasping and moaning; the memory would be seared into his mind for life. Eyes closed and he thanked the heavens for her. Thanked her enhanced flexibility and stable strength. Thanked the way she had let him take her in the dirt without a single complaint about the mess. Hells, he was doomed. An airy, soprano giggle brought him out of his reverie and he looked at the woman who had just blown his mind.

“You know, that’s twice now you’ve kissed me out of the blue.”

Teasing Astarion came naturally. It was the foundation that their friendship had been built on. Quips and jokes made lightheartedly at the other’s expense. If he thought she wasn’t going to point out the irony of him having kissed her twice when she was least expecting it simply because they had just finished having sex, he clearly didn't know her. The opportunity was just too good to pass up. Honestly what had he even been thinking, sneaking up on her while she was swinging an axe. He was damn lucky she had memorized him otherwise he could have very well ended up putting those dodging skills of his to use. The silly, lovesick fool. But she'd be lying if she said the games the two of them played didn't bring her an electric thrill. She loved how they always kept each other on their toes. Pushing limits, testing restraints. Fuck was it fun. And now here they were. At the apex of all that endless teasing. She would never dare admit it to him, but she wouldn’t have had it any other way. The start to this new thing between them. It promised a romance full of lighthearted joy. As her giggles faded she kept smiling at the sky, pleasantly content at how the day had ended. Slowly, her head lolled towards him, his perfect mouth curling up into a mischievous smirk.

Leave it to her to tease him at a time like this. It wasn’t his fault she was so damn kissable. Deniably irresistible. Had she really expected anything less than a heated make out session in the woods? Tav was brilliant in so many ways but by the Gods was she dumb when it came to interpreting his meanings at times. All dinner he had been fucking her with his eyes. Imagining all the different ways he could take her and make her scream. He thought he’d been obvious. And yet still she was surprised when he had followed her. Sweet, oblivious Tav. He would kiss her every second of the day if he could. Planned kisses, surprise kisses. Kisses to her forehead, kisses to her cheeks. Every morning he’d sweep her into his arms and pull her knuckles to his lips; only if she’d let him. He grinned.

“Give me your permission, little lover, and I’ll keep doing it.”

Her bright laugh echoed through the forest. Nocturnal birds fluttered and nighttime critters crept closer to chance a peek at the noise. She rolled to her side, booping him on the nose.

“Tempting, but knowing you, you’d take advantage of that privilege at all of the most inappropriate of times.”

She wasn’t wrong. If he had her indisputable approval, he would kiss her whenever the Hells he felt like it, even if the time was arguably an inconvenient one. A pale hand shot out to grab her wrist as her hand tried to retreat. He gave the tips of her fingers a quick nip. A playfully curled lip exposed that fang that loved to make itself known when he smiled.

“Isn’t that what makes it fun?”

Tav’s beautiful face leaned close to his as she licked her lips. Her voice dropped into one of silky seduction.

“I think I’d rather find other ways to make our companions blush.”

Sparks ignited in his eyes at the implication and his fingers squeezed as he grabbed at her chin and cheek, tilting her head to the side sharply. He analyzed the teasing smirk dancing on her lips and the way her eyes had narrowed to impish slits. He grasped her face tighter, pulling her lips a fraction closer to him.

“You cheeky thing.”

Tav’s grin turned more devilish and she wiggled her eyebrows with a wink before puckering her lips in a mock kiss. He barked a loud laugh, letting her go to instead scoot back and admire her cocky confidence. It took a brave woman to toy with a creature such as him. Especially one who wouldn’t say no to devouring her a second time. But like always she trusted him unwaveringly. And as much as he would have loved to go for a second round he didn’t break that trust. Elbows kept him propped as he leaned back to watch her. Rolling onto her back once more, she stretched. As her arms reached wide to the side, her back arched pushing her chest into the air. The expanse of her neck became completely exposed as her head tilted back and he could see the pulse of her heart. Watching her bend, the silhouette of her frame against the backdrop of the mist riddled, darkened woods created a sort of magical mysticism to her image. She was a huntress. A goddess. A wild fey queen that he’d happily kneel for… She was gorgeous… Inexplicably gorgeous. He’d want for nothing if he managed to make her entirely his. She could very easily change his world. 

Red traced the shape of her body as she came down from her stretch and sat up. The definition of her muscles showed her blatant strength but with a subtlety that maintained her feminine figure. Full breasts, toned stomach, slender waist. Her skin glimmered, flawlessly smooth, save for the abundance of scars littering it. There wasn’t a single beauty mark in sight. No moles or freckles besides the small smattering across her nose and that sole tattoo. Black ink winding up the curve of her hip to the planes of her iliac region like a vine. She looked like she was carved from gold. Soft in places, yes, but finely detailed and immeasurably precious. She was a treasure most sacred, one that bandits could only hope to try and steal, and he wasn’t lost on how blessed he was to be allowed to gaze upon her naked form. When she finally looked at him again his mouth curved at the edges into a warm smile and his arms opened encouragingly while he lowered himself to the ground.

“Come on, love.”

The way in which Tav’s eyebrows immediately furrowed had him getting concerned. She didn’t make a move to come closer to him and his throat clenched. Why wasn’t she coming closer to him? Fear rose up in his chest, clawing with nails shaped like his master’s. Had he made a mistake in his interpretation of the night? In his interpretation of her words? She looked so confused right now. Perhaps he hadn’t made his intentions clear.

“Come lie with me Tav.”

Still she sat frozen. Anxiety made its way to his tongue and his mask slipped back on. He didn’t mean to scoff. Didn’t mean to default to sarcasm. But her hesitation was hurting him more than he’d like to admit.

“Oh don’t look so shocked, darling. We did just confess our undying love for each other did we not? I’d be a bad lover if I didn’t at the very least indulge in a cuddle.”

The switch broke Tav out of her temporary flashback within seconds. NO. She wouldn’t think about him. Not now. Not when everything with Astarion was so close to being right. He wouldn’t haunt her any longer. She was better. She had moved on. Healed. It had been eighty five years since then. Sixty since she’d stopped trying. Forty since she’d vanished. It was better now. It had to be. Astarion wasn’t… He wouldn’t… It was safe. It was okay. She’d be okay. *I’ll be ok.* When her eyes focused on him again the look he was giving her made her flinch. One second Astarion had been smiling at her with tenderness and now his expression had morphed into the sardonic one he liked to throw up whenever he was feeling vulnerable. Her mind whirled. She stared at him while he sneered at her. It wasn’t like she had meant to hesitate, to frown at his offer of cuddling but he wasn’t the only one with a past. Wasn’t the only one who wished they could forget things they never would. She hadn’t been expecting his offer. It wasn’t something that she had ever been given before. Tenderness after sex. She had honestly been fully expecting him to get dressed, bid her goodnight, and then leave her in the woods. The fact that he was willing to stay, wanted to stay, was extremely confusing. Did he expect more from her? Had she not been good enough?

His arms were still outstretched but they were dipping. His confusion was evident. Guilt tore at her heart. She didn’t want to hurt him. He was new to this whole thing. Relationships, sharing feelings, opening up. Hells, he had even given her a heartfelt confession before having sex with her. But this wouldn’t have been the first time someone had lied about loving her. And yet, he had sounded so honest. Treated her with such care. There had been an actual connection between them when he’d fucked her. It hadn’t been just sex. It couldn’t have been. I felt too different. Too raw. So real… He was still looking at her confused. Pained. She could see his confidence waning. He had opened up to her. Offered her comfort and love. And all she had given him was hesitation. *Shit.* Of course she had fucked this up. She always fucked things like this up. And now he was defensive again. His walls were returning. All because of her stupid trauma. He had gone out on a limb and shown her a different side of him today. One made of pillows and fluff. Softness and fairy tales. He had given her a snippet of the romance she helplessly craved; and what she had given him was more of the same. She was a fuck up. A hopeless fuck up. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve anyone.

Their staring stalemate stretched on. Desperately she tried to tame the hurt of her past. If she could just let go. Let him in. His Adam's apple bobbed with his every nervous swallow, his eyes shifted to the side before focusing back on her. She couldn’t watch him. Watch the hurt she had caused wash over his face. His posture was dropping, his arms slowly lowering. Before he could fully put them down, she launched herself closer; begging with her eyes for him to not retract his offer. She couldn’t lose this! Not this! Not him! *Please! Please don’t! I want this! I promise I want this!* Warily his arms opened back up and this time she didn’t hesitate, nestling herself into his strong hold and placing her head on his chest. The pounding of her heart in her ears was deafening and she cringed because she knew that he could hear it. Why couldn’t she just open up to him like he was trying to open up to her? The weight of her secrets, all those things she had refused to say, refused to share, they ate at her conscience. She could trust him, couldn’t she? Astarion wouldn’t break her. Not like he had. No. She couldn’t. Not now. Not when their relationship was still balanced on the edge of something precarious. Maybe one day she’d tell Astarion. Let it all come spilling out. A day when they had been together long enough. A day when she knew without a doubt he wouldn’t hurt her. Maybe then she’d tell him. But for now she would push it down. Cage all of those unspoken things back up in her chest and focus on taking care of him.

Astarion’s relief was immediate as Tav finally folded against his body. She hadn’t left. She was still here, laying in his arms. He had been so worried she was going to get up and walk away. That her hesitation had meant he’d been wrong. That she didn’t love him. That she’d lied. That she was only after sex. He wanted to trust her. Trust that she wasn’t like that, but so many people had only ever wanted him for his body. Lusted after his sexual appeal and not given a second thought to anything more once they had received what they’d wanted. His mind conveniently forgot how adamantly Tav had refused to use him, denied sleeping with him without it meaning something more. The frenzy of memories swirling like a storm caused him to not remember that detail. Instead he recalled all the times he’d been told he was nothing. How many times had Cazador told him he was only worth the sex he could provide? That he was simply a pretty face meant to entertain? His assumption surrounding her hesitation had been instinctual, and now as she lay next to him his mind froze. The storm swelled. Thunder crashed. The disgust he was used to hit him like a thrown brick. Suddenly the feel of her skin pressed against his was no longer pleasurable. It felt like a cage. A reminder of his enslavement and all the times he’d been forced to seduce. Forced to perform the act of sex and then hold his marks before leaving them in the night as they slept. The sound of their screams as he left the room and Cazador took his place haunted his mind. It was all he could hear right now. Those horrible, terrified screams. The woods faded away and he was back in a lavish four poster bed, holding his latest victim knowing that soon they would be dead. Drained dry while he was sent back out on the streets to find another poor soul to lead to their death. Another body to add to his endless list.

Tav smothered her issues as she felt Astarion spiraling. His body had gone ice cold, colder than she had ever felt him, his breathing had completely stopped. His nails dug marks into her shoulders where he held onto her and she wasn’t sure if she should pull away or if moving would make things worse. So she stayed unnaturally still. It wasn’t fully clear as to what horror he was currently reliving, but the hunter in her knew when someone was experiencing pure fear. Her own emotions spiked, that guilt eating at her doing its best to make her unravel with him. But giving into it would help no one. She had to salvage things before she lost him all over again. Before this thing ended before it ever got the chance to begin. She needed him. She loved him. And despite all her reservations, all of her fears, she knew she had to bring him back. The darkness that could consume him was one she was far too familiar with and she couldn’t let him fall into it. Not like she had. The quiet melody began to encapsulate them. The lullaby nearly inaudible as she hummed against his shaking chest. She didn’t want to startle him but she also didn’t want him becoming lost. Music had always been her safe haven. The one thing that never failed to calm her down. Now she hoped that it could do the same for him. As the crickets joined in on her song providing their soothing orchestra to the lull of her hymn, she prayed that her voice could bring him back from the edge.

It took many minutes before Astarion’s body relaxed. Her music faded at the first indication that he was returning to himself and she let the insects take over the song. Soon enough he was breathing again. He wasn’t fully with her yet but it was a start. She didn’t touch him. Didn’t stroke his arm or rub his back. Not once did she move even though her hands were twitching from the stillness. But shifting could make him stray. It could scare him away. The last thing she wanted was to frighten him in his current state. The slightest hint of warmth returned to his skin and at his next shaky sigh she whispered into his chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Goosebumps erupted along his flesh at the feel of her breath on his pecs. His ears flattened against his skull and he screwed his eyes shut trying to vanish the images still playing in his mind.

“No.”

Talking would make things worse. It would make the memories more concrete. Plus then she would know. Know all the horrible things he had done. All the blood that coated his hands. All the people he’d killed. She’d hate him. He didn’t belong with her. Not even if she was only using him. He was a monster. A being of pure evil. And she was a hero. Someone who by all rights should slay him. Put him back in the grave he’d crawled his way out of. He was beyond unworthy of her. So beyond unfit to be her partner. To stand by her side. She was so kind, so caring. Her heart was made of the gold she’d been sculpted from. It was good and honest and he was a lier. A manipulator. A seducer and a thief. He had stolen her heart without ever having earned the right to. But she loved him. Sworn she loved him. Loved who he was. Another puff of her air against his skin had him taking a deep breath. This was Tav. A woman so confident in herself and the company she kept that it left no room for argument on who was good and who was bad. Her words had not been untrue. She had only ever told him the truth. He could trust her. Like she trusted him. This was real, wasn’t it? 

He took a moment to consider the risks of showing her his weaknesses. The self-doubt. The self-hate. The horrors he had wrought and the ones he had endured. She wouldn’t leave him. She wouldn’t. That wasn’t like her and he knew her. She wouldn’t shun him simply because the touch of her skin brought back bad memories. No. She was strong and surefooted. Confident and brave. But he was broken. Tainted. Eventually she would come to her senses and leave him. Any smart person would. Perhaps it was best to end things between them before anything ever began. It would save him the heartbreak, save her the struggle. But if there was one thing Astarion was, it was selfish. And he wanted her. Badly. So despite his fears, the worry and the pain, he gave her the best explanation he currently could, not wanting to forgo the chance of what they could have. What they could be.

“Bad memories is all. I’m fine now.”

Tav continued to not move. She didn’t push him to share. She never pushed. But she knew that fine was a lie. Fine was always a lie. She was intimately acquainted with the falsified assurance of being fine. Still, if he didn’t want to talk about it, she wouldn’t press. Her head remained on his chest and faintly she wished she could hear his heart. That the organ within didn’t lie dead. It could have told her what to do. Tell her if his nervousness had subsided. If she could hug him. But such was the curse of Vampirism. Forced to live a life without life. His voice echoed around them as he attempted to joke with her. Like things were ok. Like they weren’t both breaking.

“You’re as stiff as a board.”

Her mumbled apology felt forced. Even to her ears she could hear how far away it seemed.

“Sorry.”

If he was attempting humor that meant he was ok now, right? She could move? She could touch him? Carefully she tried wrapping her arms around his torso but retracted her limbs when he once again froze.

Astarion cursed his bodily reaction, hating how even miles away Cazador still had him enslaved. She clearly didn’t trust that she could touch him. Or maybe she simply didn’t want to touch him. That damaged part of himself started to second guess her intentions. Maybe she was disgusted by him, disgusted by his past. At how many people he had slept with. At how much he'd been soiled. Maybe she thought he was unfit for intimacy and was pitying his attempts at aftercare. It’s not like he was currently doing a good job at it. He’d frozen up too many times to count at this point. His thoughts went back to how she had hesitated when he’d offered to cuddle her. Perhaps she was forcing herself to do this for his sake.

“Is this… not what you wanted?”

Tav balked at the question. How did she answer that? How did she tell him that cuddling was something that had never been offered to her before? How could she even begin to explain her past? Explain the man that had used and abused her? The only man she had slept with. The only man before him that she had ever loved. He would judge her. Devalue her. He would never see her the same way again. She hadn’t shared much with anyone about who she’d been before getting abducted but they all knew that she was young for an Elf. If she told Astarion about how inexperienced she actually was there was no doubt that he’d laugh at her. No. She’d keep that information to herself. She was good enough in bed to not arise suspicion. He had made sure of that. Made sure she was good enough for him each and every night they were together. Astarion would never know.

“This is fine.”

Gods, it was fine. Just fine. Nothing good ever came from something being fine. He regretted ever offering up this embrace in the first place. Clearly neither of them wanted it anymore. So why was he still holding her? Why couldn’t he let go? She interrupted his thoughts with a vulnerable whisper.

“I’m just nervous… It’s been a long time since I’ve done this.”

‘Since I’ve ever done this’, is what she wanted to say. But the words wouldn’t come. Too much vulnerability at once would be bad for her. Admitting she was nervous was hard enough. It was too soon to spill the truth. The whole of it. His mind was already eating at him, his own past hard enough to sift through. He didn’t need the added burden of hers.

Astarion’s worry stricken expression slackened and he glanced down at Tav for the first time since she had crawled into his arms. He wondered what she meant by her words. What ‘this’ was she referring to? Cuddling? Sex? Or perhaps a relationship. Either way he wouldn’t question her. It was clear she was struggling to share whatever was plaguing her. As much as he wanted to know, she never pushed him when he wasn’t ready to talk, so he wouldn’t pressure her. Still he felt somewhat soothed by her admission. His weight shifted so that he lay on his side. Her body moved with his as she repositioned herself as well and he tucked her head back into his chest placing his chin on top of messy copper waves. A sigh managed to shutter its way out of him. As awful as those memories had been, this felt nice. She remained stiff and clumsily he patted her back in an attempt to ease her worry. He wanted to comfort her as she so often comforted him. As inexperienced as the action made him feel it did the trick in getting her to soften. Her body went languid and he relaxed his arm around her waist. She did not hold him back, instead opting to slide her hands between their bodies to rest on his upper abdomen, but that was ok. He wasn’t sure if he could handle being embraced in return. He wondered if she had done it for him. Out of mindfulness of those sensitive, untouched parts of his psyche that caused his body to react poorly. But there was every chance she had done it for her. A way to keep whatever was running through her mind at bay. He kissed the top of her head, sighing at how quickly the atmosphere had changed to something tenuous.

Tav let her eyes close as she tried to focus on the feeling of being held. Astarion was being a sweetheart. Offering her what little comfort he could as he struggled himself, kindly refraining from asking questions. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep this up. Keep hiding the parts of herself that hurt. If they wanted this relationship to be something worth holding onto they’d both have to reveal their cards. All of them. Gingerly, she placed a kiss above his undead heart.

“I love you.”

His face buried deeper into her hair as he tried to hold back the fear those words brought to the surface. That she didn’t actually love him. That she shouldn't. That he didn't deserve her. But he didn’t say any of it, because somehow, despite everything, this was exactly where he wanted to be.

“I love you too.”

For the first time Tav let herself enjoy the hold of another person and soon her breathing lulled into a slow pull of air. With every inhale she breathed in the scent of the man she loved more than anything in the world. The man who she hoped would love her just as much, forever. Bergamot and rosemary wrapped around her senses like a python around its prey, and she kissed him again before letting herself fall into a deep trance. Nightmares haunted their memories as the two rested but with it came the blossoming hope of a real love.

[marshmallowprotection]

How would Ray react to an mc who is just as socially outcasted and 'clingy'...?

It's so embarrassing but I've never had proper, good friends...if Ray ever welcomed me I would cling to him for dear life.

But like

Would that just be fuel for his...obsessive tendencies and protectiveness??

Omg what would happen

Ray would know you’re isolated from the beginning. In fact, he knows everything about what's going on inside your head and the world around you. It brings some comfort to know that he couldn't make a mistake. If he knows you better than you know yourself, then he'll know what you need when you need it.

He wants to be a provider and he wants to take care of you. That means he put in the work to understand what kind of person you are and what makes you tick. Sure, that's not exactly a healthy thing, but, you've been his only reason for living for quite a while. You have been what has motivated him to get up in the morning.

You have given him an escape from the cruel reality he lives in and for that, he is forever grateful. He just doesn't know how to express it without making it weird.  It is weird, right? 

He is certain that the way he fantasizes about you isn't normal. But, he's never been a normal person. He was always an airhead and a weirdo. It didn't matter what he did, it would never be good enough for the people around him.

He wants to be the best for you and he wants to know that he's good enough for you. That's why he was so obsessive in the first place. He was afraid of making a mistake and hurting someone who meant a lot to him. He wanted to learn as much as he could just to make sure you could never be hurt the way he was. 

But, what if you're the kind of person who can't stand somebody who does something like that? It eats away at him on the inside the more he imagines what you'll say when you realize how he has learned things about you. Will it make you think he's a monster? Will you hate him forever and tell him to go away? Those are the kinds of things he's afraid of. Those are his nightmares that never go away.

So, what do you think would happen if you tell him you're just as obsessed with him as he is with you? Well, you can actually tell him with choice options during the game that you want him to be more obsessed with you, or that you want to be with him the same way he wants to be with you like that. It excites him and makes him think about all of the things he could do with you.

It makes those fantasies he's been having about you even stronger by the minute. If you want to stay with him, he doesn't need to be afraid of anything. In fact, if he knows that you want him just as badly, as crazy as it sounds, it eases some of his worries about losing you. in some ways, it would turn down his tendencies, and in others, it would elevate it.

Now he doesn't need to be afraid about somebody's stealing you away, but he does worry about making mistakes in the middle. It's one thing to know that you want him, and it's another to know that he needs to live up to your expectations. He isn't sure why you would want him. He would be beside himself trying to figure out the best way to be what you want him to be.

Even if you tried to explain to him that you're captivated by the person that he is naturally, he would still be confused. His self-esteem issues run pretty deep, after all. 

Honestly, you don't need to worry about him doing anything out of pocket because you're obsessed with him. What you need to worry about is Rika.The whole reason why Ray was ripped away in the first place was that his obsession with you started to overwrite his dedication to his job. She didn't appreciate that. So, the likelihood that that would repeat itself is very high. Or, she could change tactics and decide to use the obsession the two of you hold against each other to make things work out her way. she isn't a stranger to manipulating others to do what she wants to do by motivating them with a carrot on a string.

[lunar-eclipse-bunnies]

my new favorite rare pairs:

tensei and natsuo. i think it would be cute and also tenya/shoto bonding time thru being brother in laws. womderful, womderful.

I imagine they meet in a hospital, the one Tensei recovers from Stain in. I assume Japanese medical schools require internships/experience?? so by coincidence, Natsou is assigned to this retired pro hero who just won't stop flirting with him while on intense pain relivers. also off pain meds. Tensei is a bit of a flirt.

i'd like to imagine endeavor comes home one day, sees tensei, and recognizes him as from a fellow (although ~inferior~) legacy family. he assumes this is fuyumi's boyfriend when tensei tries to act polite (but can't help to make faces and goof off once enji's back is turned). he assumes wrong.

Natsou genuinely enjoys the Iida family and gets along surprisingly well with tenya! tenya admires his dedication to healing and feels a deep debt is owed to natsou for seemingly bringing tensei back from the brink.

i dub this ship, Running Cold

rei and rumi. this is just endhawks but wlw (and does not include a malevolent child abuser) so is therefore valid. also rei divorcing endeavor only to end up dating one of his coworkers (ranked lower than him) is fucking amazing. could you imagine his reaction?

"you... you are dating my ex-wife." "you bet your ass i am!"

i imagine they'd meet like, right after rei exited the courthouse with legal divorce papers and she's just trying to get used to living on her own again (with occassional visits from her kids). Rumi's having a slow patrol so offers to help the frail woman home, she flirts a bit (i can guarentee you she called rei a milf to her face, and rei asked dabi/natsou later what it meant) and they just. keep meeting each other. turns out rei's new apartment is right at the tail end of rumi's patrol route! things evolve from like, getting coffee, to more casual dates, until rei's asking rumi to move in (rumi makes a sugar mommy joke. rei once again asks dabi/natsou what it means).

so then they're all moved in right?? so rei is invited to a todoroki family dinner, she asks if she can bring her new partner, her kids are SO HAPPY for her so of course they say yes! enji leaves his patrol early to surprise his kids only to find his ex wife and his co woker in his house, and rumi is just so fucking smug about it.

dub this ship, Snow Bunny

midnight, ms joke and inko. imagine izuku is told he has 3 moms now and instead of being like "what abt allmight/dad" hes just crying going,,, "m,, momjoke,,, momnight,,,"

midnight and joke get him a shirt that says "who needs a dad when you got 3 moms (and 1 funky uncle)" and he wears it immediately

mother's day is a chaotic mess but izuku and inko wouldn't have it any other way

inko is much closer to the action now, with 2 pro spouses AND a son in hero training, but she gets more comfortable with her gfs to talk her through 'regular' pro hero matters and ultimately she gets more comfortable with izuku's career choice

i dub this ship, Triple Maternal Threat

fatgum and allmight. i think it would be wholesome and funney! poor toshi needs help with self esteem and body image issues, who better to help than fatgum?

imagine: fat's at a garage sale. he finds stuff for people his size (he's EIGHT FEET TALL, YALL) and it turns out this stuff is allmights old stuff!! yknow, from when he was a massive guy?

so they chat it up, fat asks if toshi would like to go to dinner after he packages his newly aquired Big Person Things, and all might.

does not realize this is fat asking him on a date.

he proceeds not to know for many months, until young kirishima asks if he can be the flower boy at their wedding.

all might coughes up a bit of blood and fat takes him on a date he knows is a date this time <3

i call this ship, AllGum/FatMight!

mitsuki and fuyumi. this is more of a crack ship and less of a rare pair but not only do I think it would be funney, i want to see bakugos face when shoto todoroki realizes that, were those two women to get married, he would become bakugos uncle. mitsuki goes along with this. the bakusquad only calls him uncle roki now. chaos. absolute chaos

still, i do have some wholesome thoughts about it. mitsuki helping fuyumi prep for a family meal (where she is introduced as fuyumi's partner). fuyumi shyly admitting to making quite a few of her clothes and mitsuki complimenting her on it.

them being frightened for shoto and katsuki's safety, and showing their care in little ways; fuyumi will always send shoto back to the dorms with extra food and snacks, just for bakugou. they have little notes in them, wishing him luck, to have a good day, reminders to lean on his friends, sometimes even recipes! mitsuki will be a little more blunt, being physically affectionate with shoto, complimenting him and encouraging his interests (without putting down her own son).

idk, i just think,,, theyd vibe? a school teacher and a fashion designer,,, yeah i think that'd be gay-- i mean great. great.

i call this, Frostbomb!

nejire and kendo. THEIR SCENE GETTING READY FOR THE BEAUTY COMP DURING THE SCHOOL FESTIVAL ARC,,, CHEF'S KISS.

that's literally all my evidence for shipping it, i don't even have a name for it but KENDO BEING ALL FLUSTERED BY NEJIRES STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS?? I WANNA SEE MY GIRL BLUSH!!

hitoshi, denki, sero and iida. i call this my good boy polycule. they're all dating and love each other and have cuddle piles. that's it.

all i really want out of this is them understanding and helping each other with their insecurities. iida encouraging denki and applauding him when he gets better grades, sero helping to defeat shinsou's negative mindset about his quirk, all three helping iida unpact the trauma of the stain incident and kamino ward incident, etc.

[luxthestrange]

Disney songs+3 Older brothers

Here are Disney songs I think with Mc/Reader with the 3 older brothers, For now, the Playlist but soon a short one-shot once I figure out how to write it...

Lucifer: Colors of the wind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR0oZJ4FD9A

I think we can accept that this song depicts well Lucifer with Mc/Reader, Lucifer's prejudice, and superiority complex of Demons with Humans, He needs to see beyond his days of being an angel than a demon, How much more complex humans are and that We might have more wisdom then he thought...He is letting down his walls for you to see how little he actually know about the world and that it's way bigger than we thought if we know that special one

Mammon: Dig a little Deeper

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhk_PeryQdo

This song is pretty self-explanatory, Mammon greed for riches or cars, the best 'this' or 'that' won't ever make him happy, We as humans know that no matter how much we work for money or have money it won't make us truly happy in the long run, Money isn't bad per-say but with someone like mammon...who greed has brought him and family issues, being left with bankrupt with nothing and want to do anything..to get rich again, But he knows deep down now once you came that all he needs is love, self-control that cant grant him peace of mind

Leviathan: I won't say I'm in love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmdgSTHpnUU

I actually do think Levi had previous partners and/or flings but it always ends semi-good or just...bad(given his own bad self-esteem)It takes communication and patience to be with someone with those difficulties, That's why he friendzone's you and himself so hard...Even with Lothan, Henry 1,2 talks to him that he is super in love...He knows it's good now it is better than good, He actually feels so comfortable with you that he sometimes feels so whole inside, that even the voices disappear...Give him time, He soon will tell you out loud that he is in love

Part 2: https://luxthestrange.tumblr.com/post/669568068145610752/disney-songs-younger-brothers

[twyisontheline]

And part three cause apparently i really should take a course or something on synthesis.

There's another side of Stolas I haven't talked about yet: 'the voice that says i am not enough'. If Blitzø hates himself and has been told repeatedly he is a 'disgrace', that is going on with Stolas too. For seventeen years he has been reminded daily how much unworthy and embarassing and a disgrace and ugly and whatever by Stella. Nobody ever wanted him. And when he feels like maybe someone does, that someone insults him. And in the song, he is still confused. He thinks maybe 'he has to learn', maybe he was wrong in dismissing Blitzø and should try to learn how to deal with his issues, but maybe he 'just read it all wrong' and he was naive to think it could be a relationship. At the same time, Blitzø hears the song and what the song is saying is that Stolas thought their relationship didn't mean a thing to Blitzø. He sees Stolas singing things that Blitzø deals with too, but with a different approach. Stolas let him get too close. Blitzø doesn't let people close. It's important both because it cements how Blitzø sees Stolas as better than him, and not for his status, but for how he embraces his emotions. And because it reminds Blitzø that he is the avoidant asshole in this relationship, like in all his previous ones. When he stills decides to look for Stolas and talk to him and apologise, i think this is a big thing that shows how he is growing and maturing as a person. His standard behaviour has always been to run away. This time, he faces the hurt he caused. Then Stolas gets drunk, and well, for sure emotional important conversations shouldn't happen when one is drunk. He's not in the best mood to actually listen to what Blitzø is saying. And again, let's remember that Stolas doesn't have all the pieces of the puzzle that we have. We can imagine he doesn't know much about Blitzø's whole past and the fire etcetera. He knows Blitzø struggles with self-hatred and low self-esteem. But Stolas struggles with the same things himself. And he decided to not let them stop him. If Blitzø doesn't do the same, probably it's just because he doesn't really like Stolas enough. (Not the most clever way to look at it, but understandable.)

And the whole rom-com monologue. This made me cringe and i kinda thought it would make Blitzø just give up. Because Stolas is saying he just wants a relationship. Not Blitzø. He has this fantasy and Blitzø is just the first person who he has been interested in, so he put Blitzø in the fantasy. I think it's one of the best things, cause it shows how Stolas is also not ready for a relationship. In the meanwhile, Blitzø feels extremely guilty for hurting him, and there's a whole bunch of stuff that makes him hesitant in comforting him and in going for making this a relationship. He doesn't want to hurt Stolas like he hurt everyone, and while later on he says "i don't want to be like this", he still is like this. He knows he has healing to do. And he still doesn't fully believe Stolas' feelings are really sincere and have a solid basis: the romcom monologue doesn't really give much hope of this not ending as soon as the 'novelty' wears off. And as Stolas kinda tried to hide and shield Blitzø from people when they were moving to the couch, Blitzø does tell him to go dance with the guy. Behaviour and gut reactions showing how much they care for each other. And i think it is so good for Stolas to finally hook up with someone. He needs to grow up, to mature, to get over his second gay adolescence. (And there's nothing wrong with that.) For him and Blitzø to work, they both have to move past the 'putting you into a role' thing they have done until now. They both need to mature, but in different ways. If Blitzø fucked up and didn't let himself get attached in most of his past relationships, we also know he had them, and they were deep enough for all his exes to hate him. Stolas is really a teenager when it comes to relationships. He hasn't had a real reciprocal relationship ever. Not with Stella, and NOT with Blitzø. I think this is an amazing point for them both to grow while apart and be able to later on start dating with a more stable ground under their feet.

Okay, so i see everyone is posting their own opinion and analysis about Apology Tour, so wth, i'll give my two cents too about their arc, talking about Full Moon and what happened before then too. I am not able to summarise it and i just want to write about it freely, and probably no one will read this text wall and i actually have to split it into two post because it's too long for tumblr, lol. But here we go.

I think the premise should be: overall, Blitzø and Stolas both have their whole bunch of issues they need to work on and figure out, and a relationship or 'love' won't fix them. I think both of them did something wrong in the Full Moon exchange, but they also said things that needed to be said. It makes sense that Stolas is really hurt. The premise from where Stolas starts is that he is a monster who forced Blitzø to have sex with him through blackmail. When Blitzø acts like it's another sex thing, it means two things to Stolas: one, that Blitzø never cared about him, and two, it's a reminder of Stolas forcing him into their relationship. Than when Blitzø says his piece about royals not caring about imps, I think Stolas is hurt because he feels like while he sees Blitzø how the person he is, and likes him for him, Blitzø doesn't really see him. (Look my way, etc etc.) Is Stolas lacking self-awarenes about the mixed signals he sent in their relationship? Yes, very much. He feels guilty for the deal, and yeah, he should. But there's more to it. In most of s1, until the Ozzie episode, every time we see Stolas and Blitzø interact, Stolas talks down to him, with condescension, and every exchange is kinda framed by a suggestive/sexual roleplay thing of 'the prince and the imp.' When he invites him to the harvest festival, I think it is an excuse to spend time with him and to give Blitzø something other than sex, but he does it after the most cringe condescending talk ever. And I think it makes sense. Yes, Stolas has treasured that day when they were kids, and when he meets Blitzø again for the first time, he genuinely wants to catch up. But Blitzø was there just to steal the grimoire. And at this point, their one and only real interaction has been one day when they were kids. Stolas doesn't have feelings for Blitzø, he barely knows him. What Blitzø is for him at this point is the first man he slept with, his gay awakening and an experience that is really a turning point for him. The moment where he sees that maybe he doesn't have to keep trying to make his abusive and loveless marriage work, but he can go chase what he wants. Yeah, the deal is a shitty way to do it. He also has never asked for or got anything he wanted in his life, always had to just bear with what he was forced to deal with. And he has no reason to think Blitzø would want him. So, does Blitzø have a right to tell Stolas he's a pompous asshole? Yeah, he does. No, shouting it is not the best way to go about it, especially if you think Stolas is a domestic abuse survivor. And also, Stolas did act like a pompous asshole for the first months of their arrangement. I think Stolas didn't catch feelings first: Blitzø did. It shows in how flustered he gets when Millie suggests he and Stolas are together. Stolas did start to really like Blitzø, not only sexually, at a certain point: when he starts 'asking him how his day was, and commenting his photos, and laughing at his jokes' etc etc. He didn't do it from the very start: and this is realistic, he started to really know Blitzø after a while: they see each other once a month, of course it takes a minute. But when he starts showing he cares, he doesn't see that he behaved in a complete different way until then. Makes sense Blitzø is confused.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Mind of a Child

Prompt: Ok so to make for all the Roman Angst I've requested heres some minor angst/fluff. Again I apologise for all the Roman Angst I've been requesting. Prompt: Roman was a mess. You see there's something that happens to sides if they reach a breaking point that they can't handle. Logan was lucky he finally realized it was time to talk about his feelings and look after himself after the wedding but Roman didn't. So after he sinks out from that awful conversation he finds himself beginning to feel really dizzy and as if he's getting younger and smaller. The next morning when Patton and Janus go to find Roman and comfort him they don't expect to see a five year old curled up in an oversized prince costume terrified to death. So there's only one solution to show how much all the sides value and care for their little Prince, help him destress and look after himself. - meltheromanstan

Fluff and angst time, m'dudes

Read on Ao3

Warnings: self-doubt, self-esteem issues, but it all gets cuddled better

Pairings: found family ain't going anywhere

Word Count: 6047

He wants to go back to the way it was.

He just wants to go back.

He just wants to be loved again.

He wants to go back to the way it was.

Roman sinks out and lands hard in his room, bashing his knee against the wall as he crumples to the floor. His hair protests as he tangles his hands in the strands and yanks, trying to think. He lies on the ground, frantically breathing but his lungs won’t inflate properly and his nose starts to burn. He feels nauseous. Is he sick? He turns on his back and it goes away. Humming. You’re supposed to hum when you feel like this. He starts humming something, some parody song that’s stuck in his head. The twitching in his gullet starts to recede only to be replaced by dizziness. Why is he dizzy? He’s on the floor.

His hands flop limply out to the side as he turns back and forth, trying to make sure that he can breathe, that it won’t hurt, what’s happening to him?

A small voice that sounds like a demented version of Remus—a more demented version of Remus—whispers that he deserves this.

But Roman doesn’t know anything anymore and he’s so tired and he just wants things to go back to the way they were.

When there wasn’t so much to worry about aside from making sure Thomas was happy and that he could dream.

When all he had to think about was not hurting Thomas with his dreams and making them good dreams.

When heroes were good and villains were bad and that was it.

He just wants to go back.

He just wants to be loved again.

The lights in his room are too bright. It hurts to keep looking up. So he won’t. He closes his eyes and the dizziness abates, just slightly. He lies on the floor, the cool wood pressing into his back. He lets his head flop from one side to the other. It’s impossible to get comfortable. It’s so loud. It’s so much. He wants someone here with him. He just wants to be told it’s okay. But it isn’t okay. It hasn’t been okay for a very long time.

He wants it to be okay again.

————————

The Mindscape is quiet. Hardly anyone makes a noise as they move about the rooms, some still too on edge to start making peace, some too nervous about sparking another disaster, some too confused to try and navigate the minefield they’ve all found themselves in.

But everything has to start somewhere.

Patton and Janus are the only two on…pretty much alright terms when the morning comes. Virgil is locked in his room. Remus’s brand of chaos is nothing helpful right now. So the two of them take a deep breath and go try to find Roman.

Patton took far too long to put the words to it and Janus would never admit it, but when Roman isn’t around, or when he’s not talking, it’s much harder to cut through the monotony of silence. For better or worse, the prince is impossible to look away from, impossible to ignore. And yes, maybe that has to do in part with how Creativity and the Mindscape work together, not to mention the manifestation of the Sides, but Roman is Roman. And if they’re going to start making any progress on getting back on their feet and getting back to normal, they need to get Roman back.

Patton probably thought that Roman would be easy to apologize to. Not just because it’s worked in the past—although Janus would hiss if he said that wasn’t part of it—but because he knows he’s the one who messed up. Roman likes sincerity, Patton knows what things went wrong, he knows he’s at fault here, a lot, and it won’t be as easy as one apology and everything will be fixed, but it would be a good start.

Janus knows Roman. For better or worse, he knows Roman. Knows what buttons to push, knows when not to push them—or so he thought—and knows that maybe, just maybe, he might be able to do what Patton can’t. Cite the good of the others, the good of Thomas, possibly even the good of Roman if he’s that stubborn. Or he’s a convenient punching bag if Roman needs to lash out before he can start putting the pieces back together if it needs to come to that.

But that’s not what happens.

What happens is Patton knocks lightly on the door and asks if Roman would let them come in. There’s no response. Janus speaks up, says he knows Roman is in there, please, they do just want to talk. Patton sets his hand on the door, just to rest there, maybe coax Roman to come to open it, when it swings open.

Their mouths run dry as it opens fully to reveal Roman’s costume on the floor in a heap.

And no Roman.

Janus muffles a curse and turns in a swirl of black fabric as Patton rushes inside, dropping to his knees by the abandoned costume and searching frantically for any sign of Roman.

What he finds makes him gasp.

Janus whirls around as quickly as he’d turned away to see Patton there, kneeling on the ground next to a tiny child clutching Roman’s sash like a red blanket.

“H-hey, kiddo,” Patton says carefully, trying to regain his composure, “what are you doing here?”

The child shuffles. “It’s my room.”

“This is Roman’s room,” Patton says as Janus carefully closes the door.

The child nods, rubbing the sash across his chin. Patton’s brows furrow as he watches the child’s gaze dart to Janus and back, then to Patton’s hands on his knees. He looks back up at Patton and clutches the sash tighter.

“Do you know where Roman is, kiddo?” The child nods but doesn’t make eye contact. “Can you tell me where?”

The child nods again but doesn’t say anything. The tip of Janus’s tongue starts to tingle. His eyes widen and he starts to walk over, raising his hands when the child’s gaze snaps to him.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he says, crouching down to make himself a little smaller, “I’m just coming over to you.”

The child stays very still as Janus crouches down beside Patton. Janus tilts his head back and forth as he considers the way the child clings to the sash, the way he seems to be somewhat engulfed in the remains of the costume, and the way he keeps looking fearfully between Janus and Patton.

“…Roman?”

Roman’s gaze turns to him and Janus could cry.

“Wait—Roman?” Patton gasps and his hands fly to cover his mouth. “Oh, kiddo, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Don’t overwhelm him,” Janus warns under his breath as they watch poor Roman flinch a little. Patton takes a deep breath and softens his voice.

“Hey, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to scare you. We won’t hurt you, we promise.”

Roman’s grip on the sash doesn’t waver but his eyes lose a little bit of their frightful sheen. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Janus takes off his glove, ignoring Patton’s look and—perhaps—the fact that Roman might not remember what this means. “I promise too.”

Roman looks back and forth between them. “…okay.”

Patton smiles and lets out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. He does have to restrain himself from reaching and pulling the cute little prince into his lap but Roman’s normally defined face is now all chubby cheeks and puppy dog eyes and—no. No.

“Are you okay, kiddo,” he asks instead, still careful to keep his voice soft, “are you hurt at all?”

Roman shakes his head, still clutching the sash.

“What about in here,” Janus asks, laying his hand on his head, then his chest, “or here?”

Before Roman can answer, however, his stomach growls loudly. Janus chuckles.

“That’s enough of an answer for me. Shall we get you something to eat, little prince?”

Roman shakes his head so hard he almost knocks himself over. “Not a prince!”

They both freeze.

Not…not a prince?

Roman is The Prince. He’s Princey. The Prince of Thomas’s Dreams.

“What do you mean, ‘not a prince,’ kiddo?”

“Not a prince,” Roman insists, staring at the ground, “couldn’t—I couldn’t be a prince so…I had to start over.”

Something tugs at a dark place in their chests. Patton glances at Janus. Janus shakes his head slowly.

“Okay, then, Roman,” he says instead, “but can we get you something to eat?”

Roman glances around at the mess of the costume around him. “Clothes?”

“I’m sure someone as creative as you can make as many clothes as you like,” Janus smiles, watching carefully to see Roman’s reaction.

Roman looks at Patton. “What do I make?”

Patton’s smile slips a bit. “Whatever you want, kiddo.”

Roman frowns. “But what do I make?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have to tell me.”

Oh. Oh, dear. Patton’s smile fades, replaced with a slowly growing awareness of what’s going on. “You don’t need my permission, kiddo,” he says firmly, leaning down a little so Roman’s eye level is the same as his, “you are allowed to make what you want to make. What makes you happy.”

“What is that?”

Patton is going to cry.

“Why don’t you make what you think would be the most comfortable,” Janus tries, shooting a glance at Patton and laying a hand on his arm, “maybe to go downstairs and get something to eat in?”

Roman thinks for a moment, then he rubs the sash against his cheek and a t-shirt and shorts appear. But they aren’t red. They’re just grey. Janus smiles and stands.

“There you go,” he says, “well done.”

And oh, if the way Roman’s head jerks up in a quick moment of shameless eagerness doesn’t make that smile a little more sincere. He holds out a hand to the little one and Roman takes it, standing slowly as they begin to lead him out of his room.

“What would you like to eat,” Patton asks as they get Roman sat down, “how hungry are you?”

“What can I have?”

“Well,” Patton says as he starts to open and close cabinets, “we’ve got pasta if you want a full dinner, we’ve got crackers, cereal, pretzels, fruit, quite a lot of options.”

“…can I have pretzels, please?”

“One bowl of pretzels coming right up!”

Janus sits next to him as Roman begins to eat the pretzels. Patton comes to join them, sitting a little further away as to not crowd the poor kiddo. He exchanges a look with Janus as Roman continues to eat.

Footsteps on the stairs.

Janus looks up just as Virgil and Logan come down into the living room, talking between themselves. They trail off as they notice Janus staring at them.

“Can we help you?” Then Virgil’s eyes land on Roman. “Holy—“

He slaps a hand over his mouth and glares at Janus. Janus raises an eyebrow and slowly lets him go.

“Rude.”

“But necessary,” Janus says, folding his hands and drawing himself up. Virgil gives him a strange look but refocuses on Roman.

“So…who’s the kid?”

“I believe,” Logan says softly, the way Roman hasn’t looked up at them once and instead continues to eat pretzels almost mechanically not escaping him, “this is Roman.”

At the mention of his name, Roman looks up slowly, meeting Logan’s gaze with more than enough trepidation to set Virgil’s fingers buzzing. Logan tilts his head and waves a little. Roman just stares at him.

“Hello, Roman,” Logan says, still in that very soft voice, “it’s good to see you.”

Roman waves back. Then he glances down at the bowl of pretzels and twists his hands together.

“Are you full, kiddo?” Patton takes the bowl when Roman nods. “Good. I’m glad you enjoyed them.”

Roman glances around, shifting a little in his grey t-shirt. “Can I go back to my room now?”

“Of course you can,” Janus says, “would you like one of us to come with you?”

Roman shakes his head quickly. A little too quickly. But he’s been given permission to leave so he scoots off the chair and all but scrambles up the stairs. Logan watches him go, concern written over his features. Virgil waits to hear the soft click of his door shutting before rounding on the others.

“Why the hell is Princey a child?”

“We don’t know for sure,” Patton sighs, stretching a little and rubbing his face, “Janus and I just went up to try and talk to him and found him like that.”

“So it didn’t happen after the wedding?”

They wince and Virgil pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Look, I may not have been there, but I know what happened. And no,” he says, raising his voice a little when both Patton and Janus try to say something, “I’m not interested in your excuses. But if you’re gonna try and tell me you don’t think it’s related I will throw a chair at your head.”

Patton bows his head, twisting his hands together in his lap as shame and guilt color his face. “He…he said something.”

“What did he say?”

“That he couldn’t be a prince,” Janus finishes, looking at the table, “and that he had to start over.”

Fuck.

“A-and he felt like he needed my permission for…everything,” Patton continues, “and Virgil, he looked so scared.”

“Of course he did.”

They turn to look at Logan, still staring up the stairs with gentle concern on his features. Virgil pokes his arm when he doesn’t continue right away.

“Roman’s sudden de-aging is likely due to stress,” he explains, looking back at them, “and thus the initial mindset he had when he regained consciousness as a child was fear. Fear of not knowing what to do or of doing something wrong.”

Patton gulps. Virgil shoots him a soft look and he nods slowly. “I…we were going to talk to him. We…I have been putting pressure on Roman since…it’s been a long time.”

“I think we all have.” Virgil’s gaze darts to Janus who is still all drawn up and inspecting his glove. “And you can turn that off, please.”

Janus sighs and Logan has to blink at how much his character shifts. Janus tugs nervously on his glove and straightens his hat.

“Roman is incredibly fragile right now and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Keeping that off around him is probably a good start.”

“We will need to ask Roman how much he remembers.” Logan adjusts his tie. “What he does remember will dictate how we need to help him.”

“Praise and reassurance.”

Logan raises an eyebrow at Janus who shuffles under his gaze.

“Praise and reassurance,” he repeats, tugging on his glove again, “he…he likes having a sense of structure. To know he’s doing something right.”

The regretful undertone to the words tells them all exactly how he knows that.

“We cannot let him believe that we are only behaving this way toward him because we believe he needs to be fixed,” Logan says firmly, “because that isn’t true. If this is a result of Roman feeling…unloved, then we must show him that he is.”

The word ‘unloved’ gets stuck in his throat and he clears it. Around him, the others are showing similar signs of discomfort.

Roman…their Roman. The idea that he wouldn’t feel loved—that he doesn’t feel loved sits strangely. Like a puzzle piece that just doesn’t fit, even though it has to go there.

While this lovely conversation is happening, of course, they’ve forgotten that there’s someone else who’s noticed the absence of a singing prince.

Remus doesn’t bother entering his brother’s room the normal way, instead sinking straight through the ceiling, fully intending to drive his elbow into Roman’s stomach.

What happens instead is he lands on Roman’s mattress with a dissatisfying thump as a tiny thing squeaks and scurries under the desk.

Remus sits up, frowning at the trembling figure underneath Roman’s desk and peers closer. Did Roman make a new pet for them to join on adventures? Is this one of the villagers that got too hurt and needed to be brought back here to recover?

Only when he sees the eyes peering shakily out at him do his own widen in realization.

“Roro?”

“R-Remus? Re?” And fuck, yeah, that’s Roman’s little head poking out from under there as he scrambles out. “Re? Are—are you back?”

Remus blinks. “Sure, Ro-Bro, I’m back, what—oof!”

A pint-sized pugilist rams itself into Remus’s stomach and knocks him backward onto the bed as his arms instinctively fly around the mass. He looks down, panting, only to see little Roro shaking with the effort of holding onto Remus as tightly as he can. His ribs are starting to protest when Roman turns his head and a cold nose tucks itself right into the crook of his elbow.

“Hey, hey, Roro,” Remus croaks, clumsily petting Roman’s head, “you’re okay. I’m right here, you got me good, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You—they said you were never coming back—everyone hated you, I—they made me say I didn’t like you—they said I was you but they don’t like you and I—I’m sorry—“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your rolls and buns there, Roro, take in some oxygen before you pass out on me.” Remus wraps his arms gently but firmly around his now-panicking little bother—brother, pulling him securely into his lap. He has to pry Roman’s grip off of him a little but quickly reattaches the little limpet. “There you go, see? You got me! I’m trapped! I can’t go anywhere!”

His jokes don’t seem to work. If anything, Roman clutches him tighter, trembling in his hold.

“You gotta breathe for me, Ro-Bro, come on…in and out, you can do it.” Remus starts to take big slow breaths, feeling Roman start to copy him. “There you go, Roro. Just like that.”

Little Roman dissolves into a shaking and trembling puddle, cold nose buried in the crook of Remus’s neck as hot tears begin to trickle down his cheeks.

“Hey, hey, what’re those for? You’re safe, Roro, I gotcha, you got me, we got each other. We’re not playing right now, I’m not trapping you, what’s up?”

“Y-you’re—you’re back,” Roman wails, “you’re back, you’re back, don’t go—“

“I’m not going anywhere, Roro, I promise.” He gives Roman a light squeeze. “I’ve gotcha.”

Remus is very glad he actually washed his hands this morning as he begins to wipe away Roman’s tears. His hands are damp within moments but he keeps going, letting the little limpet wipe his nose on his costume and not giving a single flying fuck. Roman’s red nose keeps sniffling so Remus lays back against some of the pillows, heaving the little beast on top of him to have him settle down. Roman does, eventually, slumping into a sprawl all over Remus’s chest. Remus rubs his little brother’s back and nuzzles the top of his head.

“D’you want to tell me what this is all about, Roro?”

Roman mumbles.

“I can’t hear you, Ro-Bro, you gotta speak up.”

He can feel Roman’s throat work against him. “I couldn’t be the prince so I had to start over. Couldn’t—couldn’t do it right.”

“Do what right, Roman,” Remus asks, slowly tightening his grip on his brother again, “what couldn’t you do?”

“Kept messing up. Messed everything up.” Roman’s voice starts to choke off again. “Had—hadda make it right. Wanted to go back to—to—to—when it was okay.”

‘Okay.’

Yeah, nothing about this is ‘okay’ right now.

“Well,” Remus says, resolutely ignoring that for the time being, “why don’t we do something fun?”

Roman nods eagerly, pushing himself up so fast his hands slip and he falls face-first down on Remus’s chest again. Remus chuckles and helps him sit up.

“Wanna go into the Imagination?”

Roman’s smile falters. “We need permission.”

“No we don’t, we’re Creativity. That’s our domain. We run it, we decide when we get to go in!”

But Roman shakes his head stubbornly. “N-no, we—we have to ask first. And I don’t want you to get in trouble f-for me.”

“They can try and make me be in trouble,” Remus sniffs, “but it won’t go well for them.”

Roman looks up at him, expression changing as he slowly reaches up to cup his hands around Remus’s face. “I wanna be like you.”

Remus’s chest clenches. “You want my mustache?”

Roman makes a face. “No. I want—I want to be as sure as you are that nothing bad can happen. I want that.”

Ah, fuck. They had a joke going when they were—well, when both of them were smaller that Roman got the Ego, Remus got the Pride. He never—well, kids hold ideas and let them go. He tossed that one over his shoulder a long time ago. Roman, it seems, never did.

“Hey,” Remus says instead, reaching to cup Roman’s face in his hands, “you’ve got it, Roro. It’s yours too. You just gotta look for it.”

“But that’s hard.”

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy,” he says, fighting back a joke that he knows Roman won’t understand.

“…you’re really smart, Re.”

“Well—“ he chucks him lightly under the chin— “you’re the one that taught me that.”

Roman’s little face smiles and oh, Remus could rip his fucking thumbs off.

“If you don’t want to go into the Imagination we could always do something here.” Remus jumps off the bed and starts rifling through his ideas. Well, most of them aren’t…something he would do when Roman is this small. “…paint?”

There it is. Roman’s face lights up and he scrambles off the bed to join Remus. “Painting? Can we paint together?”

“Sure. One big canvas, let’s see, you wanna help make it?” They put their hands together and slowly draw a big rectangle in the middle of Roman’s room. “Good job, Ro-Bro, it’s just the right size.”

His brother almost glows at the praise. “Now all we need is—“

“Paint!”

They both turn to each other with their hands full of it. Roman has several bottles clutched in his little hands and Remus is juggling an armful of tubes. They drop them all over the floor and Remus rubs his hands together.

“What’re we gonna paint?”

“The canvas!”

“Yeah, I mean—“ Remus’s jaw drops open when Roman just pours paint onto his hand and smears it across the canvas— “whoa.”

Wrong reaction to have. But the second he sees Roman’s brilliant grin start to fade, he jumps straight on the fuck-that train and grabs another bottle. Soon they’re smearing paint all over the canvas. They end up creating a pretty good gradient of pinks and blues and reds and oranges and yellows. Then Remus grabs a green tube and just squirts it right onto the canvas.

“Hey!” Roman rubs his cheek. “You got paint on me!”

“I think you got paint on you.” Because when your brushes are your hands and you rub your face, paint goes onto your face.

“It was green! You put the green on me!”

Remus grins, bending closer and pretending to examine Roman’s cheek. “I dunno, Roro, I can’t see any green on there.”

Roman grabs a tube of red paint—

“Whoa, hey, there—“

—and squirts it onto the canvas. But mostly Remus.

“Oh, that’s it.”

The two of them spend the rest of the time splashing paint around, not caring about whether it gets on the actual canvas or the canvases they’ve made out of each other. Remus ends up with red splattered across his sash—not a bad look—and a bright blue handprint on his chest. Roman ends up with some green in his hair and streaks of purple down his arms. They’re laughing too hard to be spiteful about it as they chase each other around the canvas, each trying to get their hands on the other first.

If Roman never sees the others opening his door a crack, only to smile and leave them be when they see Remus and the paint with him, it’s perfectly fine.

Remus ends up using his size to his advantage and scooping the little monster up into his arms. He spins him around, laughing maniacally as Roman shrieks and squeals. He holds onto his brother’s arms, head thrown back as they whirl there.

“I win,” Remus pronounces as he sets Roman—carefully!—back down, “you lose.”

Roman giggles, reaching up to poke Remus’s nose with a bright red finger. “No, I win!”

“We both win.” Remus shakes his head only for some of his hair to stand straight on end—the only straight thing in this room—from the paint. “Uh…we should wash this off.”

Roman examines his paint-colored self, his gray shirt and shorts now absolutely awash with rainbow. “Yeah, probably.”

Remus looks at him and gently touches the fabric with his fingers. Roman’s eyes widen as the fabric changes from having paint on it to the colors being part of the fabric itself.

“Whoa! That’s so cool!”

Remus chuckles. “You’re welcome, Roro. Now let’s get cleaned up. I’m sure you’re gonna get hungry in a little bit.”

They make their way to the shower where Remus gets them out of their paint-covered clothes and squeaky clean. Roman’s eyes start to droop as Remus massages the shampoo into his hair.

“You can close your eyes, Ro-Bro, I gotcha.”

And if little Roman is so tired he can barely keep his eyes open long enough to put on pajamas after they get out of the shower, then Remus will happily carry him to bed. Of course the little limpet decides to latch onto him but there are worse fates. He resigns himself to being a personal pillow and stretches out, rubbing Roman’s back to help soothe him to sleep.

There’s a soft knock on the door and Logan eases it open. Remus has a quip on the tip of his tongue at the way the nerd’s expression melts at the sight of little Roro.

“Asleep, then?”

“Mhm.”

Logan glances at their painting. “I must say…it’s spectacular.”

Remus looks at the painting. An abstract swirl of colors and splatters that looks like the perfect chaotic nonsense. He’s more proud of it than expected too.

“He seems happy,” comes Logan’s soft voice, calling his attention back as he sits on the edge of the bed, “or…happier.”

Remus runs a protective hand down Roman’s back. “He said he missed me.”

“Well, yes, I suppose that…being suddenly reverted to an age where you two were together would—“

“No,” he says firmly, “he missed me. When he was big too, Lolo.”

Logan winces. “Oh, dear.”

“Has he told you why this…happened?”

“Not me explicitly, no.” Logan looks up and waits. “Did…did he tell you?”

“He said he wanted to go back to when everything was okay.”

Logan’s eyes widen. Oh. Oh, dear. “He…the last time he was okay…”

Remus’s sharp nod only confirms it. Logan lets out a breath as Roman’s hands twitch in his sleep. Unbidden, the impulse to reach out and squeeze comfortingly rises up sudden and sharp and he reaches out, covering the little one’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“He wasn’t supposed to get hurt,” Remus whispers, “when—when they took us away, they—they were allowed to do whatever they wanted to me, but—but not my brother.”

“Never again,” Logan promises low in his throat, touched by Remus’s sudden display of vulnerability, “you won’t be separated.”

Quite frankly, as he watches Remus tighten his grip on Roman, he’d like to see the others try.

As it turns out, that isn’t anywhere near their realm of possibility. When Roman wakes a little while later to them talking quietly with a rumble in his stomach, Remus carries him downstairs as Patton starts making dinner. Logan has to hide a smile at the way Virgil mouths ‘oh my god’ and Janus stuffs his fist up to his mouth to hide the coo. Patton clumsily answers Remus’s question about whose night it is to help—his—and gently asks Roman if he can set him down.

“You won’t go far?”

“I’ll be in the kitchen the whole time.”

“Here,” Virgil calls, holding out his arms, “I’m the softest thing in this room. Give him to me.”

He’s gonna regret that later but not right now. Not when little Princey is deposited into his lap and promptly snuggles right up to his chest and sighs. Virgil wraps his arms around little Roman and sits back against the couch, absentmindedly scrolling on his phone as his breath warms the top of Roman’s head.

“V-Virgil?”

“Yeah, Princey?” Virgil winces when Roman tenses. “Sorry, sorry, I forgot. What is it, Roman?”

Roman’s hands clench and unclench in his hoodie. “Do…do you miss the other me?”

Well. Don’t start off easy or anything, kid.

Does he?

He’s gonna be honest, he does miss Roman. Misses the banter, misses the confidence, misses the warmth of walking into a room and seeing Roman there. He misses the feeling that Roman would always come up with something, even when things seemed hopeless he would be there to try.

But even though he’s had this Roman for two minutes, he already knows he’d miss him like a lost limb. This Roman, who is all clumsy affection and easy smiles and soft cuddles.

“I miss him,” he decides on eventually, “but you’re my Roman too.”

Roman’s little face is too cute. It’s illegal. Who allowed this?

“Your Roman?”

“Yeah,” Virgil says, giving the boy’s hair a gentle tug, “you’re our Roman.”

Roman’s hands tug gently again. “E-even if I’m not a prince?”

Ah. Virgil sits up a little and pulls Roman into his lap properly. “You were our prince because we thought that was what you wanted to be.”

“Even if I wasn’t good at it?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Virgil swallows the curses and pulls Roman into a tight hug, muttering into his shoulder.

“You were good at it, Roman,” he mumbles, “you were the best prince. You were the best prince because you were our prince. And you were our prince because you were Roman first.”

He can feel Roman’s jumpy little breaths before he’s hugged with a ferocity that takes him by surprise. But he’s not complaining.

“So I can be a prince?”

“If you want to be.”

There’s a pause during which Virgil pointedly does not make eye contact with Janus, before Roman speaks again.

“…I, uh, I think I’d be okay with the nickname, then.”

“Princey?” Roman nods and Virgil grins. “Okay, Princey.”

When he pulls back, there’s a little smile on Roman’s face that stays throughout dinner.

“Well,” Patton says as they start to clear the dishes away, “I’d say it’s a good night for a cuddle pile, wouldn’t you?”

“A splendid idea.” Logan closes the dishwasher. “Down here?”

“Might as well.” They start to organize, Logan directing the creation of the mattress and pillows, Patton and Virgil moving the blankets. Roman looks around for a moment, waiting, before Janus beckons him over to the last of the fading sunlight by the window.

“We,” he says gently as he coaxes Roman to lie down, “have the most important job.”

“What’s that?”

“We’re the ones that get tired first.” To prove a point, Janus lets himself yawn, big and wide. Sure enough, little Roman yawns too. “When Logan tells us all where to go, it’s our job to start being tired so the others have an easier way of settling.”

“That sounds like we have an excuse to fall asleep.”

“That too.”

Roman giggles and it makes Janus’s chest feel light.

“Come here, little prince,” he murmurs, opening his many arms to gather the little one to his chest, “there you are. You look tired, go ahead and close your eyes, it’s alright.”

Roman shifts a little in his grip. “…Janus?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Are…are you gonna take care of me?”

Janus pulls back a little, enough to cup Roman’s face in his hand. “Of course, sweetie, I will always take care of you.”

“N-no matter what?”

“No matter what.” He leans down to gently knock his forehead against Roman’s and press a chaste kiss there. “I’ve got you, little prince.”

The weight of the acts gone without acquittance sit heavily in his stomach, but with Roman cradled tenderly in his embrace, they start to get a little more bearable.

“Come on, cuddle bugs,” Patton calls, hands stroking gently through their hair, “let’s get you onto the mattress.”

Janus uncurls first, only for Roman to blink sleepily up at him.

“Do you need to be carried, sweetie? Is that it, little prince?”

Roman nods and blearily holds up his arms, letting out another squeaky yawn. He makes a few grabbing motions at Logan as he adjusts the last pillow.

“Ah, come here, little one,” Logan murmurs, picking him up, “let’s lie you down, shall we?”

The others join them in their pajamas, Roman’s head in Logan’s lap as he sits against the foot of the couch. Logan’s hand tangles in his hair, nails dancing over his scalp to encourage him to sleep.

“You’re safe, little one,” he promises, “just close your eyes. We’ll be right here for you when you wake up.”

Roman blinks up at him lazily, eyes wet with sleep as he nuzzles into Logan’s stomach. Logan keeps up the soothing rhythm of fingers in his hair, nails across his scalp, until the little one yawns away and closes his eyes. Only when sleep begins to call to him too do they shift, one of Roman’s hands on his chest, the other in Remus’s shirt as his head tucks into the crook of Logan’s shoulder.

The little prince falls asleep, surrounded by the warmth of his family.

————————

Roman blinks awake.

His ceiling doesn’t look like his ceiling and there’s a weight on his stomach that definitely isn’t a pillow. He cranes his head up to look around and his mouth drops open when he sees a slumbering Virgil lying with one arm around him. He turns his head a little more and comes face to face with Logan’s sleeping visage. Remus’s whistling snores are in his ear.

He risks sitting up a little farther, only to see Patton and Janus at the edge of the frankly giant mattress they’ve seem to set up on the floor of the living room. The two of them are almost protectively positioned, guarding the rest of them from whatever would plague them in the night.

His head is a little fuzzy and he can’t remember much of how they got here. Flashes come to him. Pretzels, paint, something about the word ‘prince.’

But, right now, with Logan’s chest rising and falling as Janus mumbles something in his sleep, he can’t be too bothered to worry about it.

Roman settles back down onto the mattress and closes his eyes. As he drifts off to sleep, a small smile touches the corners of his mouth.

For the first time in a long time, he feels okay.

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[sarah-sandwich]

oh okay now i’m curious about deadpool

hi Sarah!!🌸 that one repost made me wondering, maybe you can share few fics of that specific deadpool that you love the most? because boy that story is so true!😫 i spent some time looking for those fics and maybe got discouraged a little too soon because of how many of kinda typical ones i got to go through? there’s nothing wrong with them of course, it’s just… not my thing? and it makes finding my thing hella hard?:D

curious to see more of your perspective on him! maybe you even have some fav fanart or fanvid? i’d be happy to hear (and see:D) it all! lots of love, your anon🌷

Hello dear darling anon! Sorry this took so long to get to! I started going through my spideypool bookmarks and uhh then I started re-reading the fics lol my bad I have no excuse now. I wrote the majority of this a week ago and then saved it to my drafts and... well here we are. You deserve better 😔

If you want to know my take on deadpool then I'm obligated to rec my own fic first Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) which perhaps if you're here you've already read, but it's the closest representation I have of the deadpool that lives in my head. Granted this was my first time writing him and it's fairly Peter-centric but I still like him. On the tin it's a soulmate au but it's actually about forgiveness and love (all the kinds of love).

Wade is my funny little guy with self-esteem issues like woah hidden under a thick layer of humorous deflection, weaponized annoyance, and of course a sense of self-aggrandization that fluctuates wildly between ironic and completely utterly serious. He's smart and he's observant and he's disabled. He's sensitive about his psychosis even though he flaunts it around and acts like he's not. For the most part, he couldn't care less what people say about it. He made fun of it first, he played up the crazy act first, he made them uncomfortable first so it doesn't hurt. But if someone he cares about, someone he trusts and looks up to makes light of it or condemns him for it then that cuts deep.

His whole thing is about look at the mouth not the hands. He motor-mouths and overshares. He's loud and abrasive. He acts stupid and careless and it's all to get you to judge him based on what he displays without ever looking any deeper. Some of it is genuinely his personality but a lot of it he hams up to keep anyone from getting too close. He's intensely private but you'd never know it at first glance and that's how he likes it... usually. He comes at everything sideways. He speaks his own language in grand gestures and backwards truths and he doesn't expect anyone to understand what he's trying to say and part of him doesn't want anyone to understand so he's shocked stupid whenever someone does and then has to retreat and take time to process (usually this is accomplished by distracting himself until he doesn't feel so freaked out. He doesn't like... actually reflect hah)

He's a domestic housewife at heart. He likes fighting. He's good at it and it makes money and it's an outlet for all the negative crap crowding his head and it's a chance to get out and meet people even if it's the worst possible way to go about meeting people (he's a social little butterfly) but he also wants someone to come home to and to dote on even though he doesn't think that's in the stars for him. Having someone like that means being vulnerable. It means actually communicating what he's feeling and showing his forever damaged skin and trusting them not to run away screaming. He knows he's flawed both inside and out and he doesn't expect anyone to see those flaws and love him anyway. Besides, what if they do and he pours his whole heart and soul into someone only for them to die and leave him on his own again?

Anyway that's my silly little guy. Here are some recs!

For art, story, and characterization I cannot recommend @ask-spiderpool enough! Click here to start at the beginning when Wade and Peter are newly roomied, newly divorced (Wade), and newly de-Gwened :( (Peter). There's a whole civil war arc that’s way better than the half-assed attempt the mcu made and less, uh, overwhelming than the comics civil war. It’s not all war! They go to the bahamas, they make tons of jokes and japes, they play with action figures--it’s the whole kit and caboodle! There are some crossovers between different ask blogs where their characters make appearances on ask-spiderpool and Wade and Peter guest star on the corresponding ask blog. It's really cool. But the coolest thing is how Peter and Wade go through so much character development it's so so so so satisfying. (pro tip: the arrows to get to the next page are in the left menu pane next to the logo)

Fic Recs!

I was going to list a bunch out but now I realize nearly all of my spideypool favs are Peter-centric 😭 Instead, here are my spideypool bookmarks. There aren’t a lot bc I can’t read fic and write my own at the same time and writing usually wins lol

Some call-outs:

Off the Record by crookedswingset - Explicit! but waaaayyyyy more plot than porn. Very Peter-centric but Wade is characterized so so so so well. He’s smart but in a way that leaves people guessing what the heck he’s doing (classic) and he cares so much about both Spidey and Peter-- and oh yeah he’s got no clue they’re the same person because everyone thinks Harry Osborn is Spider-Man. Throw in some murder, bad parenting, and a staggering number of POV characters and you’ve got yourself an absolute banger of a fic. If memory serves, the sequel is more focused on spideypool but man oh man they’re both amazing

Untethered by Vixen13 - Explicit! Listen listen listen this is the first fic I think of anytime I think of spideypool. It’s so far AU that Vixen could publish it as a novel if they change the character names and it’s good enough that I have to wonder why they heck they haven’t. Wade is so complex and layered and Peter is an angry bean who has so much to learn and grows so so so much guh we love to see it. Feat. Parent!Wade, Ruler!Wade, Insecure!Wade, Tender-loving!Wade, and oh yeah also dragons 🤩

It Had To Be You by fancastical - Teen! This is one that I reread instead of answering this ask haha It’s so fun and light-hearted and *sigh* Peter-centric but Wade is a delightful enigma and he’s so good to Peter even though Peter is a troll.

Who has good Wade-centric fics to share?? Apparently I could use some more lol