#now i’m in so much pain because i’ve been eating more so it’s twice as bad as usual

[deathdaydreamm]

man I have had a fucking crazy week

[theealbatross]

marry me (s.s.)

Plot | The 3 times Sebastian thought about marrying you and the 1 time he asked.

Tags | miscommunication, mentions of murder and poisonings, fluff, implied smut, dangerous idiots in love, fluff, 6k-ish words

A/N: sorry this took so long i went on a vacation! One of the funniest line about Ominis locking the two of them up was written by @/shinzhon in our discord server!

Series Masterlist - the rest of the chapters here

“Seriously Sebastian, how many times has it been this month?”

“It’s not my fault this time, I swear!”

“So, you slipped and somehow ended up in the Restricted Section? Is there some secret passage I hadn’t known about? Care to share to the class?” Ominis pinned him with a look and despite knowing his friend was blind Sebastian still raised his hands in surrender. Ominis sighed, there was no point really. When he had agreed to be friends with the troublesome boy in their first year he had signed up for this. It’s his fault for not seeing the mischievousness in those innocent brown eyes.

“I’m surprised,” Ominis continued as he started the trek back to their common room, the painful small talks he had with the headmaster in order to prevent anything getting sent to Solomon already fading as he got further away from the office. He could only imagine the absolute hell the old man would’ve sent their way if he had heard of his rendezvous in the Restricted Section. “It just isn’t like you.”

Sebastian scoffed, “To be in the Restricted Section? Where have you been the past year?”

“No, you idiot,” he hissed. “It isn’t like you to be caught.”

The falter in Sebastian’s steps had him raising an eyebrow, neck snapping back in accusation. “I’ve been caught once,” Sebastian reminded him quickly of the time Scribner first put the anti-Alohamora charm in the doors of the Restricted Section.

"I'm not finished," He’s hiding something. “It isn’t like you to be caught twice.”

He stopped on his track at the sound of Sebastian’s wince. “Okay, don’t be mad –”

“Oh no.”

“The new fifth-year needed some help to get in the restricted section because – well, I actually can’t tell you, she made me swear – and it’s bigger than the both of us and it was going so well! But Peeves caught just as we were about to –”

“Honestly, Sebastian, enough!”

He didn’t need to hear any of this.

Sebastian was right. Whatever great big mess that new kid was in the middle of was bigger than the both of them. And he has had more than enough on his plate trying to keep his friend out of trouble without the additional presence of another mysterious adrenaline junkie being thrown in the mix – one who was worryingly a magnet for big trouble. It was no wonder Sebastian was transfixed; he was looking at the damn mirror.

“Whatever fascination you have with that girl ends now,” It doesn’t escape him how much he sounded like a father getting in-between two lovers. He would’ve laughed in incredulity at the current situation he had found himself in if he wasn’t so bloody frustrated. “You get in enough trouble on your own, she doesn’t need to be sucking you up in her own problems.”

Sebastian makes a sound that doesn’t sound like a ‘yes, Ominis’ and the blond’s blood vessels nearly pop. He cannot believe this.

“Come on, it wasn’t like that. Honestly, she was brilliant! You should’ve been there; she took to the Disillusionment spell so quick that if we hadn’t let out guard down, we –”

“Oh, Merlin’s Beard, why don’t you marry the damn girl and the both of you leave me out of your tomfooleries!”

That would be ideal, he thinks. In a perfect world, he’s going to lock the two of them in a room and eat the key. There he would have no daily nuisances, won’t have to worry about sneaky Slytherins and the explosion of troubles they bring with them, and won’t need to suffer through Headmaster Black’s presence to get them out of it. A thankless job that brought nothing but headaches.

It was only when he was out of his blissful reverie that he realized his headache had stopped walking behind him seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

No.

“Sebastian … “

The other boy audibly flinched, his breath now irregular, and Ominis will bet all the galleons in the Gaunt’s vault that if he could see his old friend’s face would be as red as a Gryffindor’s arse right now.

He could almost cry, his palms producing embarrassing cold sweats at the absolute worst-case scenario unfolding in front of his unseeing eyes. “Please – I am begging you – not this one.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Oh no, no, no.

Suddenly, the prospect of Sebastian and this troublemaker getting together was not that idyllic. In quick successions, all possible worst-case scenario popped in Ominis head. Sebastian was bad enough, if he had someone who was equally as reckless and rash as him it would be something out of his worst nightmare.

Ominis is a good person. This can’t be happening to him.

“Sebastian, listen to me –”

With only a breeze as his answer Sebastian skipped right past Ominis and up the grand staircase. Ominis could feel the heat of his face. “No time to talk. Got somewhere to be –”

“Sebastian, no!”

Why must it keep happening to him?

Sebastian was pretty sure the house in Feldcroft has not heard Anne’s laughter in a long, long time. Yet, here you were, huddled together with his sister, whispering giggle-worthy stories about him no doubt by the way your gaze kept fluttering back to him, and lifting the dreadful ooze that has monopolized the small space since his sister’s illness.

“Nice girl,” He had nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized his uncle had been sitting on the spare bed hidden by a curtain.

“Y-Yeah,” Merlin’s beard you even got his unpleasant uncle’s favor in such a short time – a miracle worker, truly. “She’s … quite something.”

Talking to him has always been awkward.

Even before Anne had gotten sick, he found it difficult to converse with the man who looked too much but was simultaneously nothing like his gentle, kind father. And maybe it was also the childish insistence that if he had let the man into his heart, he would betray his parents – his father – that he just couldn’t let him in. It would feel too much like replacing him so he just opted in letting Solomon linger at the precipice of his life and the man was more than happy to do so.

After all, if Solomon was nothing like his father, Sebastian was everything that reminded Solomon of his dead brother. And those were holes none of them could fill for each other.

“You know, your mother was the same,” Sebastian’s eyebrows raised, never hearing Solomon talk about her till now. “When she was a 7th year I was just starting in Hogwarts and let me tell you, I had little hope for that brother of mine of ever getting her attention.”

His uncle continued to stare at you like he was seeing a ghost – the good kind – not the kind he sees when he looks at him. “She was brilliant, loved by even the firmest professors. And was always willing to hold out a helping hand, even to lost first years whose ass of a brother left to go fend for himself in the confusing moving stairs of Hogwarts.”

Even Sebastian let out a chuckle at that ridiculous image. Sometimes he forgets that even his old uncle had once been a child. The thought is uncomfortable, especially looking at the man he is now. “I always told him he was out of his mind for courting your mother but did my crazy brother listen? Absolutely not.”

Where was he going with this?

Sebastian returned his eyes back to you.

Brilliant, admirable, courageous you.

With your bright smile that feeds his ego by always shining brighter with him. The recklessness that never fails to infuriate and impress on his last nerves. The kindness you innately had in you that makes him want to wrap you up in the finest silk then lock you up in an impenetrable room so nobody else may ever touch it – so nobody else may have you.

That would be best, he thinks.

“It would seem even that insanity he had passed on to you.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened, forcing himself to take slow, deep breaths so all his blood doesn’t go to his face, unable to look at the older man. “It’s not like that,” he cleared his throat, now unable to look at you. “We’re … friends.”

“A good … companionship is built upon friendship,” Sebastian’s head whipped to this uncle as if to say ‘how would you know?’ but his uncle just grunted, shrugging before standing up to busy himself in the kitchen, calling you out to assist and telling Anne to take her medicine.

A good companionship. He knows it’s a bit too early but the thought of it wasn’t as horrifying as he thought it would be. The budding interest he had in his new friend was pushed and shoved into the deepest nook of his brain – he had more pressing things to tend to, one that was more important than discerning why he could recognize the sound of her laughter in the middle of dinner in the Great Hall.

But if he really thinks about it, takes a moment to breathe and considers it … it would be nice. She’s had research interest but with her grades and skill being a renowned curse-breaker or even an auror isn’t out of the question. If he works hard, he knows he’d be able to keep up and support her and Anne – maybe even set up an apartment in the city, they can just visit his sister when they have the chance.

Of course,he will try to encourage her to settle back down in Feldcroft if Anne still lives here but Irondale is quite beautiful too, a good place to practice flying when they have a family, let his children experience a true childhood surrounded by peace and quiet – two kids would be nice. Twins run in the family so maybe he could convince her for another one if their first pair are of the same gender. He would really like a daughter who looks just like --

 “I like her.”

“Bloody hell!” Sebastian jumped when he realized his twin sister was now right in front of him while he was deep in his embarrassing delusions. (When did the members of his family become so sneaky?) She grinned at him as if she knew exactly what had him so distracted. To avoid her piercing stare, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he guided her in the little nook of her bedroom where all the vials full of her medicines were stored.

“I knew you would. ‘s why I brought her here.”

“Oh?” Anne nonchalantly drank a disgusting-looking fluid in one gulp. “So, it wasn’t cause you wanted to monopolize her and get ahead of your competition back at Hogwarts?”

Sebastian gawked, his entire body heating up from the accusation. “What – no, it’s not – I thought she would cheer you up!”

He quickly took a quick peek at the corner, relieved that you were too busy charming his uncle off to hear such absurd allegations against him. He wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression of him at all. After all, for how wondrous those visions are, he puts your friendship on a pedestal above anything else.

He thinks he’ll be more than content to be just your friend. Maybe.

“How gracious of you, brother,” Anne smirked, in this light it was almost like the old Anne.

Sebastian smirked at her, masking indifference, “I try.”

He should’ve known. Anne would be the one who might just see through all of him, even the things he likes to keep from his head. Even his most impossible dreams of cozy cottages and soft days.

“Sebastian!” The twins straightened up at your voice, both felt like they had been caught red-handed as you cheerfully rounded the corner. “Oh, was I interrupting –”

“No, not at all!” Anne pushed Sebastian firmly, making him stumble and catch himself just as he was about to crash into you. The proximity forces him to stare as your eyes crinkled when you smiled. He stops breathing.

You’ll look dazzling in white; he thinks.

“Your uncle told me your neighbor had some mint in their garden, said you could help me find it? It would go well with the juice.”

Sebastian’s eyes fell to your lips as you spoke before physically ripping his eyes out to look at your eyes, nodding, as his brain tried to keep up between his imagination and the reality of your face in front of his.  You grinned, already walking towards the door. He lets out a breath, the faint traces of your perfume that he gave you wafting an enchanting trail that kept his gaze on your retreating back.

“Get on with it,” Anne pushed him again and this time he gave her his deadliest glare as he followed after you. “You can’t hide her in Feldcroft forever.”

“Zip it.”

Solomon stood next to Anne as they stared at the two sweethearts in their own worlds as they made an adventure out of the small trip. Anne couldn’t help but giggle when Sebastian tripped because he was too busy looking at you instead of the road.

“Are men always this stubborn and stupid?”

“No,” Solomon grumbled, heart aching fondly when in a blink he could almost see a different mirage of figures that were both familiar and strangers at the same time. “He’s just his father’s son.”

“It’s over.”

Sebastian turned his head, straying his eyes away from the night sky framed by the room’s glass ceiling to look at you.  “It’s over.”

The two of you lay down on the floor of the room of requirement, sneaking away from the graduation party to spend the last moments of your life as a student in Hogwarts together. It wasn’t intentional, you had sneaked out for a proper goodbye to the sentient room and thanked it for everything it had provided for you but, like always, Sebastian had gotten ahold of your sneaking form before you could take two steps away from his side.

Sebastian can see that the inevitability of it all is making you emotional, a Hogwarts-shaped hole already forming in the crevices of your heart. The thought of no longer having this haven to escape the world's cruel realities makes him sigh.

“I’m terrified,” your whispered confession surprised him.

His gallant darling? Scared?

“What for?”

You smiled at him sheepishly. “It feels stupid but … I’m scared of things changing. I feel like that little girl again – 15 years old and alone in this great, big world I was thrust into.” Sebastian noticed a shudder crawl over your body. “And this time I won’t have a cheeky Slytherin lad to show me around.”

Sebastian frowned, unsure if he was more disappointed at you for thinking you would lose him that easily or at himself for not nailing that the two of you were tethered forevermore in that bright head of yours.

Instead, he took your shaking hands that you tried to hide and held on to it tight.

You smiled up at him. “Promise to stay in touch?”

He could almost scoff at such an understatement of a request. Do you know I’m never letting you go?

“You’re not getting away from me that easily,” he grinned, hoping to charm the rest of your remnant fears away. “I expect weekly letters while I’m away from training.”

You scrunched your nose, which he thinks is just adorable “What? So you can brag to your fellow trainees you have a lovesick lady waiting for you at home?”

He laughed at that, eyes crinkling and heart racing, “Maybe I should keep a photo of you plastered on my wall then, really commit to the part. A pretty face like you on my walls should make me the envy of my entire group.”

Her laugh came out nervous, her grip on his hands tightened. She’s still scared.

If only he had been sorted in Gryffindor maybe then he would’ve been daring enough to say something. To fall to his knees in this room and let his forehead kiss the ground and beg you to stay with him, run away with him, marry him. To let him spend the rest of his lowly life making sure you will never be lonely again.

But the fates were cruel and for all his pretense of confidence, the gods’ honest truth is he is a coward. A coward with no prospects.

If he wants your hand he needs to prepare, to follow the plan he had mapped out since the night he had realized he would very much like to spend the rest of his life with you or die trying. He might not be worth anything for now but he’ll make himself enough.  He just needs to hold on … just two more years – it’s all he asks.

Just two years for him to establish himself, to become someone, to earn the right to ask you. He knows it will be hard, you’ll be engrossed in your own research and won’t be able to see him as he trains to be an auror. And there was always a risk of you meeting someone else but he’s already made Poppy swear to report everything to him while she accompanies you in your travels, a contingency plan for any hurdle that may put a wrench in his plans.

If all of this fails then so be it, but he won’t lose you from a lack of planning or trying.

“Why are you looking at me like that?

He didn’t realize he was staring at you while his thoughts ran wild. The dark of your eyes reflected the ceilings you had charmed with the sky of the Forbidden Forest. The dim hue of the room made you look ethereal, like a forest fairy sent to lead him to a beautiful doom. He’d follow you anywhere.

Is it too soon to tell you I love you?

Is it too late?

“Have I ever told you that you’re the only one I need?” Sebastian suddenly whispered, vulnerable.

It’s the closest thing he’ll allow himself to say for now, placating the intensity of his need to be close to you by properly laying on his side and pressing a firm hand on your cheeks as you followed his lead, your own loosely dangling on his waist.

“Don’t you think Ominis will be quite offended by that?” you teased, your fingers tracing patterns on his spine.

He couldn’t help but match your grin, “He’ll live.”

“Sebastian,” your words quiet but he moved his hand at the back of your head to pull you in closer, muffling your following words on his chest. “Promise me nothing will change?”

Sebastian’s hold on you tensed, pressing the gentlest kiss at the top of your head to silence his protests.

No, he wants to scream. Everything has to change.

He’ll change everything for you.

“I promise,” he lies.

He’s no Gryffindor, after all.

[ 5 years later ]

“I almost fucking killed you!”

You rolled your eyes, which was a bad idea considering the curse that malfunctioned in Gringott’s brought upon a gaggle of Inferis along with a mutated one that grew about ten feet tall. Before it could lunge straight at your head, Sebastian – Merlin’s beard, he was still as handsome as the day you had left Hogwarts – pulled you into him before casting a Protego followed by a Confringo, blasting the undead’s arm away.

Still his favorite after all these years.

“What? You become a bigshot Auror and forget my face?!”

With an Incendio, the rest of the Inferis were now weakened enough that Sebastian was able to finish them all in one go (bloody hell!). Giving you time to gather yourself and lash out a heavy burst of ancient magic to take care of the giant Inferi once and for all.

You wobbled from the effort but firm hands and a chest caught you. When you looked up you were greeted by a cantankerous Sebastian covered in dust and dirt.

“As if I could see your face in those ridiculous glasses you’re wearing. Is that a lizard’s eye?”

You pulled on the offending thing, turning and standing on your tiptoes to put it on him, then he could see that it helps with seeing the traps laid out around the vault. “Satisfied your inquiries, Mr. Auror?”

He pushed the glasses to the top of his head, still looking down at you with a suspicious glare. Damn him and damn the entire male race for their inability to stop growing their limbs. “I should have you arrested. Illegally breaking into Gringots? What were you thinking?”

“Please, any curse-breaker you sent this way would’ve been eaten by that curse, I barely got out with my life if not for my ancient magic.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows twitched in the familiar way when he wasn’t particularly fond of you – which usually only happens when you throw yourself in danger … like today. Old habits die hard.

“I –”

“Save it,” he raised a palm. You sucked your lips into a thin line comically – it has been half a decade since you last saw him after all, you’re not entirely quite sure If this Sebastian in front of you would hesitate in throwing his prodigal best friend into the cold stone walls of a ministry ordained prison. “You owe me.”

Before he could, you fired off a blast of ancient magic behind him, crushing the lone Inferi that was bidding its time under a rock. You smirked. “Are we even now?”

“Not even fucking close,” His face was blank, unamused. Sebastian’s patience has never been the longest but this is one of the few times his ire was aimed at you, the novelty of it would make you blush if you weren’t so guilty. “Where have you been?”

This time it was your smile that fell, eyes dropping with it in shame. Straight to it, huh.

“Sebastian … I left a lett –“

“A letter! You call that a letter?!” He guffawed, turning his back on you and started pacing just at the ledge that led to a very, very, long fall to the bottom of Gringotts. Your fingers twitched to reach out for him but you had a feeling he wasn’t particularly interested in getting mothered right now as he spiraled out the words you’re sure he had surely been holding the past years. “My dearest friend, one who fights trolls for practice and is the most wanted woman of all dark wizards in the country disappears without a trace even when I spent an entire year searching for her –”

He looked for you?

“—but oh no! All is well Sebastian, she left you a bloody note!”

You felt like a reprimanded toddler but maybe (just maybe) you deserved it. “It wasn’t my finest moment.”

Something in your words snapped the last of Sebastian’s nerve. The gall of you – to stand here like it was nothing. The days he had spent tracking you, dreading the moment he would be greeted by your corpse.

How dare you leave? How dare you leave him? Of all the people in this world you were the one who was supposed to stay on his side.

‘I’ll be back. I promise. I just need time’

He marched to where you were standing, cupping both of your shoulders so you can look at him. “I will be given an explanation.”

Instead, your eyes fell on his left hand. He followed your line of sight, the gold band around his finger making all your cruelest nightmares come true.

How did it come to this? You scoured your memories of your entire friendship – how had the two of you come from being unable to keep a single secret from each other to strangers that have too many unspoken grievances in between them?

Was this inevitable?

Finally, you gathered your strength. He did deserve the truth from you of all people. And you could truly never keep a secret from Sebastian even now – which is also why you left. The shame, the unjustified anger, the hurt in your chest when you looked at him – you couldn’t handle it.

“I … I heard from Leander.”

His frown deepened. What does Leander have anything to do with this?

“I was going to visit you on the last weekend of your training. Then Leander caught me in town and he said … he said that after you had finished your auror training you were planning to propose, that you were already looking for a ring.”

He is going to kill that orange blabbermouth fuc –

“I couldn’t – surely, you couldn’t be that daft. I … I loved you, Sebastian! And I know I’m your friend and I should’ve been there for you. And I really am – I am happy for you,” you took his hand, your gentle touch shakily running through the gold band around his ring finger as you tried to hold back the tears. It felt like it was mocking you, like it could burn a mark on your skin. “If anyone deserves to build a family it would be you. I just … in that moment I couldn’t be happy for you. I needed to remove myself from the situation and I couldn’t say goodbye – you wouldn’t have let me! I panicked and I was hurt and … I really am sorry. I’m so sorry, Sebastian.”

As humiliating as it was to say all the hurt that you were carrying with you as you traveled the world to escape your love for him it did make you feel lighter. Were you a coward? Maybe so. But you will not shame your past self for what she did out of hurt and fear. It was painful but necessary.

It wasn’t until Sebastian was cupping your face and wiping your cheeks with his thumb that you realized you had been crying.

“Darling, who did you think the ring was for?”

You blinked, “What?”

You could tell he was trying to lengthen his patience with you, clearly as he was the more emotionally stable one at the moment even though it looked like he was at the precipice of choking you. "Have I ever told you that I was courting anyone?”

The conversation was taking a turn you weren't expecting. “N-No, but Leander and Everett used to keep teasing you about the Ministry girls that was always at your tail so I just assumed …”

He raised his eyebrows, holding onto your cheeks tighter so you had to look at him. For the first time in your entire friendship, you couldn’t read him at all. “I assumed you became interested in one of them.”

He sighed, “No, sweetheart. I did not become interested in any of them.”

You frowned, still feeling the cold ring on your cheek. “Then who did you marry?”

“I’m … not married.” This time it was him who seemed to blush, actually breaking eye contact to chuckle. When he looked back at you it was like you were getting a peek of the boyish Sebastian you once knew. “I would have been if the beautiful witch I had been chasing did not disappear on me right when I was about to propose.”

His words sunk into you like molasses, the wrinkle in between your eyebrows disappearing as your eyes widened in realization. Surely, he doesn’t mean –

“I just wore it since I would’ve been wearing it either way if someone had said yes. And it’s a more effective way to ward off any hopefuls. A little white lie to cover up my bruised heart and spare their egos”

“Wait, wait –“you tried to push him away but one of his arms just wrapped around your back, pushing your chest to his. He wasn’t going to let you get away this time, if he has to cast a binding spell on you without your knowledge then so be it.

The past five years had been torture enough.

“I guess it’s what I deserved. Letting the love of my life wait around just because my pride wanted me to earn the right to ask for her hand. The Hero of Hogwarts, the brightest witch of our age – surely, I couldn’t just ask her, could I?”

The abundance of information threatened to drown your head in. Pieces of the grand puzzle that never seemed to fit right clicking and clacking in your head as you slowly pieced together the blanks in the history of your relationship because you didn’t bother to ask and he didn’t bother to say anything.

He means you right? He was going to propose to you? The bloody ring you’ve been having nightmares about was for you?!

But he had never … I mean sure you flirted here and there but it was nothing … official. No words were ever shared, no announcements, nor formality.

It was all very … murky and ambiguous.

“Hey, back to me, darling,” he gently pressed his thumb that was still holding on to your cheek. “I swear even when we’re together it’s like you’re still running away.” As if suddenly lost in thought himself he murmured, “Should I charm a chain on you, after all?”

You blinked and the dark glint in his eyes that you had only seen in his darkest moments in your fifth year disappeared, now replaced with a small cheeky smile.

“Sebastian, the ring was it – surely it wasn’t –”

“For you?” He was so close now that you could count all the freckles in his face, his lips running through your cheeks, even pressing a kiss on your temple. “Then riddle me this, my love – if not for you then who else would it be for? Hmm? Who else would I be begging to be my wife if not my most treasured friend? The one person who stood beside me through it all?”

Another kiss on your cheeks. “The only light in my life?”

The underside of your jaw. “The beautiful witch who had rudely stolen my heart when we were children then had the nerve to run away with it just as I was able to gather all the courage I had to ask for hers in return?”

He moved both of his hands to wrap around your waist, pulling and pulling and pulling as if he wanted to meld the two of you together. “Who else but you? There was and would’ve been nobody else but you.”

A shadow of a kiss at the edge of your lips. “You’re the only woman I have ever loved.”

Your heart threatens to explode.

“And you’re the only one I will ever love,” he whispered, but the quiet of the caves of Gringotts made his voice echo inside your overheating skull.

You had been aware of Sebastian’s charms when you were younger but now that he was using his pretty face and raspy voice at its full extent while professing his love for you in the murky caves of Gringotts and pieces of Inferi corpses scattered on the ground – you could almost feel your brain malfunctioning.

“I had resigned myself to a life of isolation if you had never come back,” he declared. “But you did. Why?”

He was not going to accept anything less than the truth. The intensity behind his eyes, the grip he has around you was so firm you were almost hanging off the ground. The unbearable weight of your guilt for almost driving this man to insanity even if it had not been your intention had you letting go of your defenses.

“Because I missed you,” you admitted, eyes looking straight at him to finally bare your soul. “And I couldn’t find anything the world could offer that could compare to you. Even if we just remained friends I –”

His chuckle cut you off.

“We could never just be friends,” he whispered, you couldn’t agree more. “We were never just friends. Darling, I’m not a religious man but if soulmates are real then yours and mine have always been tied to each other. And if whatever god is up there was cruel enough not to have done that then I would’ve knotted it myself.”

You giggle through your tears – you had played out so many fantasies of Sebastian’s confessions and yet now that you were living your wildest dreams it felt like your heart was trying to escape your chest.

“If you hadn’t come back, it would’ve done nothing short of killing me, you have to know that,” a ragged breath escapes him as if the mere memory of your escape were enough to cause him physical pain. “Because I love you and I have always loved you even back when I didn’t know what love is. Even when love was a mere flutter in my chest every time I looked at you. Even when I was a fool in a path to destruction I … I have always, always loved you.”

You nodded, almost gasping at the intensity of his words. “I love you too, Sebastian. So much. I would’ve always come back. I couldn’t – I would’ve honestly poisoned your wife if you had married another.”

A laugh exploded out of his mouth at your sudden proclamation, echoing through the eerie corners of the caves. “And I had more than enough daydreams of torturing any lovers you might’ve taken in your travels.” The sickly-sweet tone that contrasted such horrid words had you giggling.

“Think we should stick to each other then?” You roped an arm around his neck, letting him carry your dead weight. “Spare some poor suckers from poisons and murders.”

He grinned, leaning in closer and closer, “You always had been the one with bright ideas.”

You smiled just as he finally pressed his lips into yours. Even your wildest dream couldn’t compare to this. Sebastian’s greedy grip on your waist, his familiar scent, his taste – him. It wasn’t perfect – a bit too rough, too needy yet somehow never enough – it was better, a perfect amalgamation of your entire relationship.

“Marry me,” he commanded in between kisses, too desperate to separate from you for more than a second. “Tell me you’ll have me.”

“You’re mine,” You gasp when he suddenly turned you around and pressed you on the jagged wall of the cave. “Always been mine.”

You’ve never not been mine.

Suddenly, Sebastian ended your kisses, a whine slipping out of your throat which he placated with a quick peck before he haphazardly pulled a necklace of some kind around his neck, snapping it to let the pendant fall into his palms.

Only it wasn’t a pendant. It was a ring. The ring.

“Oh my, Sebastian,” your vision blurs with tears as he gently takes your shaking hand, slipping the beautiful jewelry on your ring finger where it shall sit forever. “It’s beautiful. I can’t wait to marry you.”

He groaned, pressing his forehead to your temple as you continued to admire the ring on your finger.

“You keep buttering me up like this and I’ll have to kidnap the first priest I see when we get out of here.”

“I wouldn’t object to that, we’ve never been one for propriety.”

“I can’t believe we had our first kiss in Gringott’s of all places,” he muttered, the vibration of his voice tickling your chest as he buries his face in it.

“That wasn’t my first kiss.”

That had his head snapping, eyes murderous at your words. "What?”

“It wasn’t yours either.”

“Huh.”

You nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact as he tries to scour through his memories.

“Remember our fight in the Room of Requirement? About the Triwizards game?”

He winced. “I’d rather not remember that.”

You shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

You settled back, knowing him well enough to know his mind was rapidly working through his memories to figure out the cryptic declaration you had confessed.

It had been frustrating when you had remembered such important event days after it happened. All it had taken was a faint whiff of Sebastian’s shampoo in your pillow in the room of requirement before you were shooting up in your bed at the memories trickling in your brain as you tried to figure out if it had been one of your more apparent daydreams only to scream when you had realized it had happened and the two of you completely forgot about it.

You had become wary of Sebastian then, staring and studying his face at any hint that he also had the luck of remembering such bold confessions from you. You aren’t sure if you were more relieved or disappointed when he showed no inkling of gaining the curse of such knowledge like you.

But at your sudden engagement to him, you believe you have suffered enough of such vexations alone. You are to be married after all which means the two of you shall share every burden from now on -- even the most embarrassing and frustrating ones.

Sebastian’s muscles locked, pushing himself up to cage you in bed as his frantic eyes widened.

You grin. He remembers.

“No fucking way.”

“Yes way.”

He slumps back down in your chest, groaning. “Are you sure you're okay with marrying a bloody idiot?”

Your body shakes with laughter. “Lucky for you, idiots are just my type.”

[blackhairedjjun]

staying afloat - k.th

pairing: kang taehyun x gn reader | genre / tropes: angst, argument -> makeup, implied friends to lovers, office worker!taehyun, the subtlest of love confessions | word count: 899 | warnings: burnout and exhaustion from overwork

part of my 300 followers event (event masterlist)

prompt - HEAT: while engaged in a passionate argument with one another, sender, in the heat of the moment, blurts out “i love you!” to the receiver. think of like, that glorious trope where people have a huge argument and then suddenly sb drops the mic with “because i’m in love with you!” and silences the other person. u know the trope! (requested by anon)

author's notes: HI ANON im sorry this took sooooo long. as i said, this was hard for me to write bc i already did the heat prompt twice before and i didn't want to be too repetitive with the arguments... the argument here is a bit calmer and more one-sided on yn's part but i hope it still works!

“you are running yourself into the ground, taehyun!” you grab his shoulders and give him a little shake. taehyun watches you closely, and you can see the darkening circles under his eyes. 

he’s still standing before the threshold of your home, right in front of the door. with just one step he could walk in if you weren’t blocking his way. outside, the night air is so cold that you shivered instantly upon opening the door for him. the sky is dark, with neither moon nor stars, and the only light comes from the fluorescent bulb at the doorway.

“y/n, you’re up working too,” he says. his voice is steady but firm. “you can’t tell me what not to do when you’re also working like this.”

“i’m doing overtime for just one night, for god’s sake. but you 一 you’ve been so busy and tired for what, two weeks? you forget to answer my texts. forget!” you throw your hands up. “and you’ve never forgotten before, not in all the years that i’ve known you.”

taehyun stuffs his hands into his pockets and his gaze flickers away from yours for a second before it returns. though he tries to stand his ground, you notice the soft look in his eyes, laying bare the tiredness and worries weighing down on him.

“well, i’m here now. why won’t you let me make it up to you?”

“because it’s one in the morning and you’ve been staying up late for overtime and extra projects for what, two weeks now? you go home late and you wake up early, your boss dumps all this work on you, and you barely get any time off!” you take a step closer, now fully exiting the warmth of your home, to stand so close to him. “please, taehyun. it’s not that i don’t want to see you, but you’re so, so tired. i can see it in your face.”

you reach out to touch his face, but his expression goes taut and your hand hovers just inches away. he turns away from you before you can scan his eyes for the tired look you saw; a cold breeze blows by, causing both of you to shiver and pushing the bangs away from taehyun’s forehead.

he looks... sadder than what you remember. you remember how easily his face would light up before he took on his new position at his job; he would smile at the smallest of your remarks, his big eyes sparkling like jewels. you thought of the steady stream of texts from him day after day, reminding you to eat or commenting on a silly photo you took, and how that stream soon turned into a trickle. the memories make your body feel heavy.

taehyun says nothing for a few moments and just lets out a sigh. when he looks back at you there’s a pained look that wasn’t there before, and you feel an ache in your chest at the sight.

 “y/n, i... i don’t want you to worry about me like this. i can’t... i can take care of myself. please, please just trust me. i hate watching you worry like this.”

“oh, you hate watching me worry?” your tone rises before you even realize it. “and i hate watching you turn into this! you’re exhausted, taehyun. you’re not yourself anymore. i can’t even remember the last time i saw you smile! do you know how much it hurts to see the person you love lose himself like this?”

you tremble in your spot and your words start to trip over themselves. your emotions pile onto each other, keeping you from speaking straight: some anger, yes, but mostly disappointment, worry, loneliness, fear. “i ha一 i hate seeing you like this, taehyunie. i can’t一 i can’t watch一 i love you too much to see this一”

taehyun cuts you off to pull you into a hug. he holds onto you so tightly, as if trying to wrestle you away from the emotions gripping you. one of his hands makes his way through your hair. angry tears prick at your eyes but you relax in his hold, finally letting out a sob.

“i’m sorry,” he says, his hand combing through your hair then rubbing your back. “i know you’re just looking out for me... and you’re right. i am exhausted...”

something shifts and now you feel his full weight on you. now you’re the one holding him, his head moving to rest in the crook of your neck, his shoulders fully slumped. the weeks of exhaustion have finally caught up to him, and you wrap your arms around his waist to prop him up.

“i’m sorry, y/n,” he repeats. “for not... listening to you... for forgetting...”

your hold on him tightens and tears stream down your face, but you manage to speak. “i just don’t want you to hurt yourself...”

neither of you say anything more. taehyun doesn’t let go of you and sinks fully into your touch; despite the chill night air, he’s still warm in your arms. you let your tears fall freely as you keep a firm hold on the friend you love, as if letting go of him means he will sink and drown.

the night is so quiet that the murmur he lets out against your neck still comes out loud and clear.

“i love you too.”

[multifandomfanficss]

Home Is Wherever You Are P2

Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader

With a very heavy emphasis on platonic!Christopher Smith/Peacemaker

Part 1, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Adrian Chase Masterlist

Prompt: You take Adrian, Gut, and Chris school shopping. It might be harder to keep the timeline in tact than you originally thought.

Warnings: mentions of/implied child abuse, panic, meltdown, crying, divorce, mentions of August Smith, cannon typical Peacemaker violence and language, homophobia

A/N: I’ve decided to start with biweekly updates! I’m post on Saturday and Wednesday. I’ll also be posting on my new AO3 adriansglasses. I’ve actually added all of my old work there as well. Hope you guys enjoy!

“You’re the most attractive person I’ve seen in my entire life.” Adrian smiles at you.

“Shut up. No, I’m not.” You blush hiding your face from your boyfriend.

“Don’t hide.” He pushes your hands away from your face. “Please don’t hide your pretty face. It’s like the prettiest face I’ve ever seen and even if it wasn’t- which would be totally absurd like have you even seen yourself? You’re so hot- anyway more to the point. Your personality is so attractive to me that you’re automatically that much hotter. That’s just math babe. Do two wrongs make a right?” You laugh at his comparison. To someone else that may not make sense, but to many people Adrian never made sense. To you, he always made perfect sense.

“You’re too nice to me.” You say smiling at him.

“Well you’re the only one who’s nice to me sometimes period and your pain in the ass loves you very much.” He kisses you.

“I never said you were a pain in the ass!” You laugh. He gives you a look.

“Okay, I may have said it once or twice, but I didn’t mean it. I was just teasing you.” You kiss him on the cheek as he holds you close.

“It’s okay. I know I’m annoying and hard to deal with sometimes.” You turn his face to look directly in your eyes so he knows you’re serious.

“Not to me.”

September 1st, 1994

You woke up to the sound of the chunky alarm clock on the nightstand. You could hear somebody cooking downstairs. You used the bathroom and made your way to the kitchen to find Diane making breakfast.

“Morning! I’m running a little later than usual this morning, so all I could really manage was toast and eggs. Hope that’s okay.” She gave you a sympathetic smile.

“That’s more than okay. I usually skip breakfast half the time anyway.” You admit.

“You shouldn’t do that. Adrian’s always trying to skip breakfast. He doesn’t like most breakfast foods. I’ve been trying to make sure he eats more of them.” You have to bite back a comment about how his future self is still just as annoyed by the concept. You think back to all his rants about how breakfast doesn’t make sense because it’s foods you can only eat in the morning. He was always annoyed that he couldn’t order pancakes at dinner time or a burger for breakfast unless he was in a diner. It just didn’t make sense to him. ‘What?! Suddenly diners don’t have to follow the rules?! It’s all just a bullshit societal construct!’ You could hear his voice now.

“You could have called me down to help.” You say as the food sizzles in the pan.

“You were sleeping. You had a long day yesterday. I need your help with something while I’m at work anyway.” She says, turning to take the toast out of the toaster.

“What can I do for you?” You ask without debate. She’s helped you a lot and she is Adrian’s mom after all. You never thought you’d get to meet her outside of an ouija board. It’s the least you can do in your current situation.

“I have an envelope in my room for you with back to school money in it. It’s mostly just tip money I’ve been saving up from the restaurant. If you could bring the boys into town to get school clothes that would be wonderful. Adrian needs a little bit of everything. He just went through a big growth spirt. Dorian mostly needs new sneakers, but he should get a pair of jeans and maybe a couple shirts. There’s enough money in there to get a few things for Chris because God knows his father won’t do it. There should also be a little leftover if you want to get anything for yourself.” She says, beating the eggs.

“For me?” You question.

“You showed up with no clothes. You can have some of my old clothes, but I doubt you have the style of a divorced mom with two and a half kids. You should get one or two things you actually like.” She laughs.

“No, Diane I- I couldn’t-“

“Yes, you can and you will. This is basically just payment for the nannying gig.”

You smile at her. “Okay, fine. Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

After cooking breakfast and saying goodbye to the boys, Diane was off to the office for the day. She was a secretary at a nearby law firm. Waitressing was only her second job to help pay the bills after her husband left for another man.

“Dorian, do you know where Adrian’s shoes are?” You ask as you chase Adrian around the living room, trying to get him ready to leave. He had so much energy. You couldn’t say you were surprised.

“That’s not my name.” He sat there with his face in his gameboy, barley giving you the time of day. He was just radiating 12 year old angst. Honestly you couldn’t blame him. He was 12, Chris was 13, and they were both about to enter 7th grade. That’s hard enough on its own. It’s probably a lot harder when your mom is asking you to help look after your 3 year old brother because your dad just left because he’s gay. It’s 1994 in Evergreen, Washington and his best friend’s dad is the biggest homophobe in the country. None of this must be easy on him.

“What do you wanna be called?” You ask. He tears his eyes away from his gameboy to give you a look. It’s almost like nobody’s ever asked him or cared for his opinion.

“Gut.” He answers.

“Yeah that’s a much cooler name. My dad says Dorian is a pansy name.” Chris says, continuing to channel surf.

“Christopher Smith that is not nice and will not be tolerated when I’m around. Understand?” You know you can’t tell him his dad is wrong. You know if he challenges his dad now he might not make it back alive, so you hold your tongue for now.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” He huffs.

“Actually, as your babysitter, I can.” You turn to Gut. “Okay Gut, where’s your brother’s shoes?” You try again.

“By the door, under the bench.” He informs you.

“Thank you.” You smile, bringing Adrian to sit on the bench, so you can put on his shoes. There’s two pairs under the bench. You lift them up for him to choose between. One pair has dinosaurs on them and the other pair lights up. He very excitedly points at the light up ones. You can’t get him to sit still long enough to put on the shoes, so eventually you inevitably drop one.

“Motherfucker!” Adrian exclaims in his loud toddler voice.

“Adrian!” You say in shock. You want to laugh because this is so him, but you don’t wanna be blamed for this one. He’s only 3. He giggles at your reaction of the forbidden word.

“Motherfucker!” He says it again in a fit of giggles.

“Buddy, you can’t say that. That’s a grownup word. If you say it too many times you have to go to work and pay taxes.” You try to persuade him against the word.

“What’s taxes?” He asks.

“Taxes are what grown ups have to pay to people. They give a lot of money that you don’t have, so you shouldn’t say that word. Also not paying is a crime. I don’t wanna pay taxes, so I’m not gonna say it.” You try to bargain with him using toddler logic.

“But Dor and Chris say it!” He objects.

“Well, Dor and Chris are gonna have to pay taxes soon.” Adrian begins to cry. “Why are you crying, buddy?” You wipe his tears.

“I’m scawred!” He cries.

“Of what?” You ask.

“Taxes!” He cries.

“It’s okay. You didn’t say it enough times to have to pay taxes.” You pull his small, hiccuping body into your arms, not quite sure what to do. You feel kinda bad. Parenting is fucking hard. They say never parent your boyfriend, but you were taking it to a whole new level. You don’t think this is what they meant.

Finally you had wrangled the boys together and you were on your way to the store. You had to walk because Diane had the car at work and you obviously didn’t have one, but the store wasn’t far.

“Why do we have to walk? This is fucking stupid.” Chris complained.

“Chris, knock it off. We’re at the repeating age.” You gesture to Adrian, who was jumping around the cracks on the sidewalk. Luckily he wasn’t paying attention.

“Hey, Adrian!” Chris grabs his attention.

“Chris!” Adrian runs up to him, on his wobbly little legs.

“Don’t you fucking dare-“ The words came out of your mouth before you even had the chance to realize it.

Gut laughs. “You’re the one who actually said fuck in front of him.”

“Fuck!” Adrian repeats.

“No no no no no!” You try to stop him.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He says as he hops up and down with each fuck.

“No! I said…duck! I said duck!” Gut and Chris break into a fit of laugher.

“Rey’s lying, Adrian.” Gut tells him. Adrian stops giggling and his entire body language changes. He starts to cry, trying to walk away. His little legs don’t carry him very far. You turn to Gut and Chris.

“Please just stop! I just wanna get through the day. Would it kill you to just be nicer to him?!” You don’t mean to lose your temper with the boys, but you know this is only the start to a lifetime of bullying and provoking Adrian. You sigh, dropping your attitude. They’re all just kids. “Stay here for a minute.” You turn in Adrian’s direction and start racing after him.

You try to scoop his little body into your arms, but he screams at you. “NO! NO!” Okay. He’s not great with words, but he totally has no down. You decide to give him some space. Even if he’s not his adult self yet, he’s still a person. You know how easily overwhelmed he gets as an adult. You can’t imagine how upset his 3 year old self is.

“Buddy, I’m really sorry.” You apologize. Your heart breaks. You hate knowing you made him cry.

“P-p-pweas don’t weave!” He begs you not to leave through his tears.

“Hey…what’s going on? Why do you think I’m gonna leave?” You question him.

“Daddy lied to m-mommy and now he’s not here!” Adrian cries. Oh fuck. Of course he couldn’t fully grasp that his father had an affair and that’s why he’s gone.

“Adrian, listen to me. I will never leave you for something like that. I’m sorry I lied to you. Lying isn’t nice, but I’m here for you. I will always be there for you. Even if I’m not here with you, right next to you, I promise I will always love you.” You try to keep yourself from crying now. You can’t help, but think of your version of Adrian at home without you. You try to keep your tears in and stay strong for the younger version of the man you love right in front of you. They feel like different people, but they’re not. This is Adrian and you need to help him.

“Lying isn’t nice!” Adrian repeats, sniffling as his tears slow.

“You’re right. It’s not. Do you want a hug or do you not want to be touched?” You ask.

“Hug!” He cries, crashing into your open arms. You hold his little body as he cries.

“Even if you can’t see me, I’ll always be with you. I love you.” Everything about this is so fucked up. You shouldn’t even be here. You’re messing with Adrian’s life. You’re messing with Chris’ life. Everything about this feels so wrong, but when he’s crying in your arms like this all you can think about is the restless nights when you’d cuddle with your boyfriend and he’d shed a tear or two about his childhood. You knew how much it effected him even now and you just wanted to protect him from all that was to come and heal all that had already happened, but you knew you couldn’t do that. Time had to run its course.

After you helped baby Adrian collect himself you joined Chris and Gut back on the sidewalk and continued your way to the store. Town was small, so the walk wasn’t long, but luckily you had a new Walmart nearby. In your day this Walmart was shitty, but in 1994 it was new. You let Gut and Chris walk around on their own with the promise they’d meet you in the men’s clothing section. You were going to take Adrian to the toddler section. Toddler clothes were cheaper and he was growing fast, so you picked out a couple different outfits for him. You grabbed some basic pants and socks that would match everything and let him pick his own shirts. He settled on a shirt with a spaceship on it that said ‘I’m so cute it’s out of this world’. He also picked a Barney shirt and an Aladdin shirt after making a comment on how both Jasmin AND Aladdin were pretty. You then brought him to your side of the clothing department to grab a shirt or two you liked before meeting up with the boys. After settling on some basic shirts, you were on your way to meet Chris and Gut when you passed the electronic isle and you caught Chris staring at a tape recorder. Even from a distance you could tell he was about to cry as he put it back on the shelf. Gut was nowhere to be seen, probably waiting in the men’s isle like was supposed to. He usually listened better.

“Hey, Chris…”

“I’m not crying!” He wipes his eyes.

“I know.” You give him a smile.

“I just got dust in my eye. They need to clean these shelves better.” He crossed his arms across his chest. You crouched down in front of Adrian.

“Hey, Ade. Why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch tonight from the clearance bin?” He wiggled excitedly before taking off towards the bin of cheaper VHS tapes.

“Stay where I can see you!” You called after him. He did just as you said and stayed in your line of vision as you talked to Chris more privately.

“Level with me. I know you weren’t crying, but if you had been crying…hypothetically of course…you could tell me anything. You know that, right?” You weren’t sure if you were breaking the timeline, but at this point you didn’t care. Chris deserved to be able to trust someone in his life.

“I wasn’t crying.” Chris tried to walk away from you, but you caught his arm in your hand.

“Chris, wait-“ He hissed as you made contact with his shoulder. Your jaw drops and you can almost feel tears in your eyes. You pulled up his sleeve to reveal small, circular burn marks. They were burns left behind from where his father had put out cigarettes in his arm.

“Stop starring at me like I’m a freak and just let me go.” He pushes you off of him and he walks away. You knew this job would be hard, but it’s a lot worse than you expected. You had no idea it would be this awful constant moral battle between letting these kids get hurt and keeping the timeline in tact. After realizing you were all alone and you could still see Adrian, but he wasn’t paying attention to you, you started to cry. After taking a deep breath you wiped your tears and picked up the tape recorder, putting the shirts for yourself on the shelf. Fuck it. Chris deserved something his dad couldn’t ruin. So what if you had to wear Diane’s maternity clothes and any clothes her husband left behind? You knew how much he loved music. He deserved this. Timeline be damned he deserved one fucking thing in his life untouched by his father. You hid it in the cart under some of Adrian’s clothes before heading to him digging around in the clearance vhs section.

“Rey!” He called for you as soon as he saw you.

“Adrian!” You called back, pretending to be happy. “Did you pick one?” You ask.

“This one!” He says, excitedly shoving the tape in your hands. You couldn’t help, but smile a real genuine smile. In your hands was a copy of the movie Adrian told you was his favorite growing up; The Brave Little Toaster.

“Have you seen this one?” You ask.

“No!” He smiles, hardly able to stand still.

“You’re gonna love it.” You smile, placing it in the cart. You take his hand and you both head to the men’s section to get clothes for Gut and Chris. Gut picked out a Green Day shirt, while Chris picked out a Nirvana shirt. You were happy when Chris didn’t pick up the Green Day shirt because you knew having that might get him in trouble in the next 10 years when they come out with American Idiot. His dad’s gonna hate that. These were of course considered hot new bands and most of their most famous songs weren’t even out yet. After picking out a couple more clothing items you headed to checkout. You were thankful Adrian was being such a distraction because Chris didn’t even see you put the tape recorder in the bag. With the remaining money, you took a bus to Fennel Fields for dinner where you told Diane you’d meet her on her night shift.

“Mommy!” Adrian yelled running up to her as soon walked through the door. It was nice to see him with his mother.

After grabbing a pizza you headed home. When you got there you pulled Chris aside and gave him the tape recorder.

“Happy birthday.” You said handing him the Walmart bag.

“It’s not my birthday.” He gives you a strange look.

“I know. Just think of it as an advance on your birthday gift.” You smile as he starts to open it.

“Is this mine?” He asks in shock. You nod. “Why did you do this?” He asks.

“Because you deserve something that’s yours that you enjoy.” You say as you watch his eyes well up with tears again.

“I’m not crying.” He says again.

“I know. But even if you were…it’s okay…” He stares at you for a moment before bringing you into a wordless hug. You stand there for a moment, shocked. You never expected this from him, but you wrap your arms around him anyway.

“Thank you.”

“Of course. You deserve it.” You remind him. You know it won’t change the timeline much, but this time, you hope it does something.

After tucking Adrian in, you leave Gut and Chris to play video games until Diane gets home. You head to your room, flipping onto your bed with a sigh. You just hope you did the right thing. You open your phone and head to your voicemails. This has almost become routine.

“Hey babe, it’s me. I’m just calling because I know you had a bad day today and I was thinking…” You close your eyes, as the voicemail plays and you begin to cry. You’ll see him again one day. You have to. You didn’t know how or when, but you had to. You’d figure it out. You’d make a plan.

[jellyfishzebracat]

Snippet of an rwrb fanfic I’m writing it’s a/b/o and Alex is a 29 year old law professor who meets 21 year old Henry after Henry is forcefully moved to America to study law by his grandmother.

It’s this Alex

And this Henry

Alex hadn’t always wanted to be a law professor, he’d kind of just, fallen into it.

He’d studied law at NYU and shortly after gotten a job as a paralegal but that got , stale.

So during a late night rant to his mother she’d suggested he do some more study and look into teaching as a professor.

So Alex studied and then applied for a job at the university his mother was the head of.

Alex wasn’t proud of using the nepotism card but he did anyway.

So fast forward a few years and Alex is 29 years old teaching as a law professor, now finally on his own for the second year after teaching as a TA under Zarah Bankston and old friend of his moms and now a dean at the university.

Alex doesn’t expect anything to go wrong this year however that all changes when Henry fox walks into his lecture hall.

He’s pretty, blonde and everything Alex wants in an omega.

Alex class is small only 100 students so Henry already stuck out, however when he opens his mouth and speaks with that pretty English accent Alex is gone.

Which is bad, really bad because Henry is his student.

Everything goes well for a few weeks until one night Alex has finished his 6 pm lecture and is in the Chinese restaurant across from the campus when Henry walks in.

Henry walks up to the counter and Alex watches as Henry places his order, when he goes to pay however his card declines, once, twice, three times. Henry opens his mouth most likely to cancel his order when Alex blurts out “I’ll pay” and is swiping his American express.

“I .. thankyou.. you didn’t have to do that, professor ” Henry glances up at him

“It’s no problem and please don’t call me professor, it’s Alex“ Alex replies, leaning one arm on the shop counter.

Henry’s phone pings and he sees Henry’s face twist before he’s huffing out a breath and his scent sours.

“everything ok” Alex attempts to calm Henry but the agitation doesn’t leave Henry’s face.

“My bloody roommate just kicked me out of my dorm for the night, apparently he’s found some girl to shag” Henry spits out

“Shag” the word feels foreign in Alex’s mouth

“ it means fuck, Alex” Henry’s rolling his eyes but grinning up at him and Alex can’t help but return the smile.

“Um maybe we could eat together at my place” the words are out of Alex’s mouth before he can even process how much of a boundary that crosses and how bad of an idea that is, Henry beams “That sounds wonderful Alex”

Soon the cashier is calling out that their food is done and Henry is following Alex out to his car.

Henry sinks into the leather passenger seat of Alex’s Lexus and sighs “ Christ, I forgot how nice leather car seats were”.

Alex shoots Henry a questioning look and Henry looks down at his feet.

“My family’s quite well off however since my grandmother shipped me over here with barley any money, I’ve been missing out on the luxury’s I used to enjoy”

“I hope I’m not over stepping but why’d she send you here” Alex questions.

“Apparently it’s unbecoming for a member of our family to be an omega and to want to study literature, I was at Oxford on a scholarship in my last year and then she pulled me out to study law here in America” Henry’s answer is pained, Alex can’t imagine what it would be like to have your whole life up ended like that.

The rest of the drive continues on a happier note as Alex and Henry sing along to some of the songs on Alex playlist until they arrive at Alex’s brownstone.

As they step into the house Alex sees Henry looking around, his head tilted upward, was he scenting?

Alex chooses to ignore it for his own sanity and leads Henry to the couch and excuses himself to change out of his teaching clothes and into something more comfortable.

Alex now in a t-shirt and sweats joins Henry on the couch, Alex thinking of something to watch while they eat, asks Henry if he’s a Star Wars fan, Henry’s face lights up and he gleefully explains that he loves return of the Jedi, Alex scoffs and has to correct Henry “ the best star wars movie is clearly the empire strikes back” Henry flashes Alex a gummy smile and rolls his eyes “ I suppose I could endure watching empire”.

[acanth3]

追憶＊マリオネットの糸の先 / Reminiscence＊End of the Marionette's Strings

EPISODE 9

Shu: …..

Mm…I don't know, what is this shaking…an earthquake?

Kuro: Ah, did you wake up Shu? 

Shu: Gyou!? Ryu, Ryu~ku…Kiryu!

What, what kind of situation am I in? Explain right now! Why are you carrying me like a princess!?

Kuro: Nah, this is just the easiest way to carry you. You were taller than me as a kid and it was hard to hold you…

Now, your shorter than me ♪

Shu: Well, compared to you the rest of humanity is also minimal/tiny! Hey, let me down! It’s so embarrassing, we’re both not children anymore!

Kuro: That’s right, I thought you wouldn’t mind it. 

Because I saw you stumble in the hallway, no way can you just pass it off…I’ll carry you right to the infirmary. So, shut up.

Shu: Gh, gu? You thought I fell down?

Kuro: You don;t look too good, 

your body hasn’t been strong for a while now. Be careful, are you eating proper meals?

Even as a kid, there was low blood sugar and collapsing~ ♪

Shu: Ah, I’m sorry I just stay up all night. And I don’t enjoy eating very much, it’s painful to have foreign things into my body. 

Kuro: You're still very picky, aren’t you? That’s why my mum would get mad at me. 

Shu: …..

Kuro: …I know many things about the new Valkyrie, finally at the top of Yumenosaki.

But, trying to stay on a throne, you’re doing the best you can right? 

There’s no point in falling down a path like that if no one’s happy.

Shu: Stop trying to be bossy and preaching out to me. Your mother, who wont be present even at the end of your life…so with that mouth why do you choose to care about other people’s physician conditions/abilities?

Don’t pretend to be kind to me, you villain!

Kuro: I don’t have anything left to say, just don’t exhaust yourself again. You’ll faint. 

Because people who lose their conscience often are twice as heavy as normal people. Wake up properly and don’t cause so much trouble. 

Shu: I don’t remember asking. Kiryu?

Kuro: I know, that’s why I told you I’ll mind my own business. 

Shu: Hmph! And please correct yourself a little. I didn’t fall down.

I still have Valkyrie, the best, high quality unit which cannot be compared to the vulgarity of the other units. 

Just because of some system created for lives and festivals turning this into a game…

We don’t have live showdowns at all, we just can’t get results that quick.

While in the meantime, other people are displaying barbaric behaviours…

If there is a higher rank than us, know it’s because of ridiculous rules created to play this game.

We have not lost even once. We ‘Valkyrie’ are the best idol group, yes?

Only loser’s find such things regrettable.

Kuro: That’s right I guess. You’ve chosen the war route, I’ve changed the rules of this game myself from those smart guys. 

In that world, you’re officially no longer at the top of Yumenosaki. 

It’s no use complaining. Like in a soccer game, no matter how many home runs your able to hit, you won’t get a score. 

Shu: Damn!...I’m frustrated, these snobs who can’t understand art!

We’re showing the best stage, why aren’t we being appreciated? Not even awarded?

It’s wrong! All of this! Who made Yumenosaki like this!?

Kuro: I can’t tell you that…

I’m chewing more than I can take, it can’t be helped even if I complain now. I’ve been completely trapped in mold. 

Before it happened, the path those malicious people took was horrible. We lost because we couldn’t see through the conspiracy. Even if I regret it, it’s too late.

I’m sorry Shu. That I can’t do anything. A long time ago, I even swore to absolutely protect you. 

My mother is going to be angry with me.

Shu: It’s just a promise from childhood, Kiryu. You don’t have to worry so much about it. You still carry me and move around with me like this, and even talk to me…

It’s you that can’t be saved, right?

I’m not a child crying over the tyranny of bullies anymore. 

You can take care of me like you say over and over again, but please let me down. 

I don't want to be spoiled by you anymore, I want to get stronger too…

Kuro: I see, oh you’re still weak, just stubborn now huh.

Shu: Even if you give a crying child what they want, the bullying will still happen to the happy child. (?)

That’s fine by me. If the rules have changed, let’s just accept it. 

Let’s stand in the same ring and fight fairly. We’re supreme beings no matter what the world see’s.

To DreamFes…let’s have a live showdown.

So I’ll give the snobs at that blood festival what they want, and their corpses will be drowned within the mud. I’ll make them regret touching my wrath. 

Kuro: But isn’t it graded according to people's expectation/preference?

Shu: Just what are you talking about, Kiryu?

Kuro: No, well, this time…human’s and high schoolers…don’t think about bad thing’s…

There’s..nothing, it's just my worries.

But be careful Icchan, I can’t help you up on stage.

Shu: Thank you for your help, actually.

Those who are excellent will be given an award corresponding to their efforts.

If not, the world is between us all. 

so cute!

[dewsdoit]

we're not really strangers pt. 2.2

wonwoo x oc

no professional proofreading. may contain grammatical errors.

This has got to be the longest I’ve ever spent time with him.

Midterms are done, I’m half way through my last semester, and I’m still working on this project with him. The past few months have been crazy. Or at least for me it is.

Wonwoo and I have been messaging each other almost everyday. We ask each other about how our day went, if we’ve already eaten, and we send videos or photos of things that we might enjoy. In fact, we haven’t stopped talking ever since that night his car broke down.

I was still lying on the floor, thinking about how much I’d fallen for this guy whom I only have vague memories of from my childhood. I was going down in a spiral of thoughts, wondering if I only like him because of his beautiful face, approachable personality, perfect height, and his seemingly awkward demeanor that I find charming. I could list all the reasons why I like him, but I can’t even think of one reason why he would like me back. Or why would anything other than friendship start between the two of us?

All of these thoughts were interrupted by my phone’s buzzing. It buzzed twice.

“I had fun today. Hope we can do that more often :)”

“Hangout, I mean. Anyway, let me know if you got home safely.”

My heart sank, I think I swallowed it. I’m in all sorts of pain and my heart is racing so fast. He enjoys my company?… no, no, no. Let’s not go there.

“I had fun today too. Thanks for checking up on me, I’m home now. Let me know if you’re already ho|“

— Should I ask?? Would it sound like I’m being clingy or am I being too nice? Do I text back immediately or should I wait?

“I had fun today too. Thanks for checking up on me, I’m home now. Let me know if you’re already home too.”

✓ Sent

I got up so fast that all the blood came rushing down to body. I got so lightheaded from overthinking what I just said. Maybe I need to get a grip of myself and just play it cool.

My phone buzzed again.

“I just got home actually, thanks for checking up on me too. You should get some rest. I’ll see you again on Monday!”

I tried stopping myself from smiling by putting my hands on my face aggressively. I managed to get up, take a shower, and eat dinner with my mom. As I finally let my body meet my bed, I thought to myself, “Maybe there are good things to look forward to on Mondays.” I allow myself to feel such glee at the idea of seeing him again, I let the thought of his company take over my thoughts for tonight.

My phone buzzed again.

“Hey, I remember you have a cat like this one. He must be this adorable too. :)”

He sent a cute clip of a ginger cat having zoomies and stopping occasionally to look at its owner. He remembered my ginger boy… This familiar feeling comes so naturally now. My heart fluttered so much that it felt like it sank deep, deep down to my stomach. Seems like there is no use in denying it now.

I responded and told him that he is a lot like that. We continued to talk about my cat, and one question led to another, so the conversation continued.

Next thing I knew, it was already 4 in the morning. He wanted to call me in the middle of our conversation but I got so scared. Why was I afraid of that?? It'd be stupid to deny that I wanted to hear his voice on the other line but I backed out like a coward.

"I'm in my mom's room so I can't take a call right now. I shouldn't even be awake right now..."

I lied, I'm literally alone in my small room.

"Oh, okay. I understand. Aren't you tired yet? Your mom might scold you if she wakes up and finds you still awake."

I've been typing with one eye open but I don't even care, I just wanted to keep talking to him.

"I mean if you're tired, we can sleep now. I don't feel tired at all, honestly."

Another lie he doesn't need to know. I'm really letting myself go right now.

"Well... it is pretty late. Let's get some rest, shall we? I'll make sure to message you when I wake up. :)"

Weirdly enough his words put a halt to my desire to keep talking to him. Truth be told, I'm afraid that this is the only time he'll find me interesting enough to talk to. A bigger fear creeps in as my confidence depletes whenever I think about him. Why am I afraid of losing someone who's not even mine in the first place? So, our simple midnight conversation should stay as it is. There's no harm in talking to him, regardless of what I feel towards him. But I should really keep in mind that he might never reciprocate those feelings back and I should keep things the way they are right now.

"Goodnight, Wonwoo. I'll talk to you then. :)"

And we did talk after that. We started having lunch together after our film class. We would discuss what we just learned and try to apply that in our shots, we'd talk about anything and everything. There were days when we'd meet up at our cafe spot just to edit together. We would go there often, but we don't mind hanging out anywhere. Sometimes his friends would sit with us and some of them became close to me too. "Okay okay, but I haven't even opened these cards yet and you're telling me that the two of you are already on the second level? You've only had this for a few months, dude", his friend nags. "Well, we hang out a lot more than you think. Besides, it's a fun game. You get to know each other really well.", Wonwoo responds.

He was looking down at his food while saying that, but he looked up at me and gave me a soft smile. I let out a little laugh and kept playing with my food. I wish I choked on my food but I couldn't even take a single bite for a moment there. I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping myself composed cause I can feel my breath being taken away. His friend flips a level 2 card and faces toward me, "Okay, let me ask you what this card says, "What trait of yours is a dead giveaway that you're interested in someone?" In perfect timing, a piece of pasta gets stuck in my throat. I tried to stop coughing so I could talk but I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth. "You can take your time, seems like I caught you off guard there.", his friend Seungkwan teases. "It'd be nice if you actually help her out you know.", Wonwoo says while handing out his bottled water to me. He already took the cap off so I just chugged it down. "I-um...I don't really know what trait...I mean, I don't think I have any trait that would make it seem obvious that I like someone. Or maybe I'm just really good at hiding it.", I say proudly as if I don't experience at least 5 symptoms of chronic nausea just thinking about Wonwoo. "So, does that mean that you're pretty straightforward then? You can say 'I like you' without hesitation?", Seungkwan asks. I stare at him blankly and it seems like Wonwoo is also waiting for a response. If I'm being honest, I could admit my feelings right then and there if he kept staring at me with his soft and charming eyes. "Maybe, maybe not? I guess you'll never know.", I say teasingly. Seungkwan went on about how people with the same mindset as mine tend to give guys like him the wrong idea. Wonwoo and Seungkwan exchanged banters and opinions about it. Wonwoo was firm that it takes two people to make their relationship work, and Seungkwan was firm that people shouldn't start something they can't commit to. They're both right honestly, it's just entertaining to hear both sides. It was already dark outside when my last class ended. I started walking towards the footbridge, and the cold breeze was fighting to seep through my sweater. I decided to wait inside the building where our cafe spot was. I peeked through the glass window beside me where I got a good, subtle view of the cafe. As I was scanning for available seats, I saw Wonwoo sitting inside. He was so focused on the screen of his laptop, it was so bright that it almost made his glasses appear white. I chuckled a little and looked away for a moment. "That's so adorable", I thought to myself. He's probably re-reading his research given the amount of brightness he had on his screen. I decided to give a second glance at him after a while but he wasn't there anymore. Confused, I stood up and moved closer to the big glass window. Where the hell did he go? I took a step back, and just as I was about to turn around, Wonwoo held onto my shoulders to stop me from losing my balance. We were only a few inches away from each other, and I could see my startled expression on the reflection of his glasses. "You okay?", he asked. A soft smile formed across his face and he looked like he was about to laugh. I forgot how to breathe at this point. "How did- I mean where-", I stuttered. "Were you looking for me?", he asked while his hands stayed on my shoulders with a lighter grip. "No I-I was looking for a seat. I think it's gonna rain soon so I was thinking of staying inside the cafe instead.", I responded.

"If you don't mind staying with me, I already have a table inside. Do you wanna come?", he asked. I was still processing how close our proximity was so I couldn't bring myself to respond immediately. And before I could even speak, he reached down to where I was seated to grab my things. He stood tall in front of me and gestured with his eyes, it looked like he was waiting for my approval. I gave him a small smile and nodded. He offered his hand, which confused me at first 'cause I'm not sure what he meant by that. He then lightly grabs the end of the sleeve of my sweater, gesturing me to go ahead of him. And as we're walking out of the building, he places his hand on my shoulder as if he's guiding me to the cafe. I'm not sure if I should thank him for placing his hand on my shoulder 'cause I can't feel my lower body, I was just floating at that point.

part 2 | part 1.1 (wonwoo's pov) | part 1

[eclecticflowerbanditathlete]

Road to Her part 1 - it’s based off of Titans (2018)

Warning: miscarriages; light smut.

This is the further I’ve been able to carrying my pregnancy, 5 months and I’m scared that I’m going to lose her again. Each time Dick and I have lost our baby, he has been nothing but attentive to me and I to him, so we don’t get both get lost in the pain and grief.

The first time it happened I didn’t realize I was pregnant. Dick and I had only had just celebrated our 2 year anniversary; he has surprised with a romantic dinner at the tower. He kicked the kids out of the tower for the night and somehow got them to make us breakfast without any teasing. Dick cooked our dinner himself by having Bruce to send a copy of some of Alfred’s recipes and took a cooking lessons for Gar so he make it as well as Alfred would’ve. We danced in the living room for hours, switching between some of my favourite songs and couple of songs that became ours.

“Dick this has been the most romantic night you ever give me,” I said.

“I’ll give more nights like this Kory,” he said, “not just because you deserve the royal treatment, but because I love you.”

He would’ve continued but kissing him makes the words hard to get out, and since his always been better and at showing his feelings. We eased into the kiss at first, still swaying to the music. His hands tightened around my waist as he deepened our kiss, I hummed in encouragement before kissing him back. I had to pull away to catch my breath, but he continued to the spot on the neck that I love him to give attention, pulling him closer to me.

“As much as I love when we have sex in the living room. Dick take me to our room,” I say.

“Are you sure? We could alway move later, after I’ve made you cum on the counter,” he teases as he his hands begin to slip below my hips to edge of dress. Slightly nudging me towards the counter; the that’s the perfect height for him to eat me out at the right. I shiver remembering the last time he had me on this counter, made me cum twice and the second we almost caught the kids.

I stop him and pull his face up so I can see his beautiful eyes. I take a small step back with a smile and run towards our room and Dick follows. Stopping short at the door, when he see I’ve already discarded my dress and starts to removing his dress shirt and pants. I take hit face in both my hands and his go to my waist, “I love you” we both say. Our kiss is slow as we both show how we feel about each other through that kiss. His hands move lower as he picks me up and move towards the bed; I briefly feel his hard dick between my legs but he tosses me on the on bed. Grinning as he sees my shock on my face as he lowers himself to his knee and begins to lick and suck my clit.

He pulls my legs over his shoulders, betting better access to my pussy, alternating between sucking at my clit and eating me out. “Dick,” I whine grabbing at hair to pull him closer “sooo, gooood, I think, ahhh, I’m going to… fuuucckk!” he gives a hard suck on my clit and I cum on his face. He continues to lick my pussy, prolonging my orgasam and just as I catch my breath his starts working two fingers into cunt.

When I raise my head to look at him, he meets my eyes and has smirk on his face; he no intention of giving me a chance to breathe. He stares at me as goes to suck my sensitive clit, adding a third finger as he finds that spot that I drives me wild.

When I raise my head to look at him, he meets my eyes and has smirk on his face; he no intention of giving me a chance to breathe. He stares at me as goes to suck my sensitive clit, adding a third finger as he finds that spot that I drives me wild.

“It’s too much,” I says trying to back away but his other arm locks are my waist to hold me in place.

“Kory, you love it when I do this,” he says, “I know it feels to much now but in a minute.”

“Fuuuck, Diiick!” I grip the sheets and throw my head back as he gets me over that too much feeling.

“There, see I told you,” he says in the calm sexy way that I only hear when we have sex and trying to show affection. “Now, you know I’ll stop if you want me to, just say the word.”

“Don’t . . . don’t stop, pleeeaaase don’t,” I whine out.

“As you wish,” he says and starts licking at clit again.

I lose my myself in the feeling his tongue and fingers; feels like little shocks coursing throw my body. The little shocks start to build and can’t take it I need that final shock, Dick must tell because his fingers speed up their thrusts and gives a hard suck.

After a few minutes I open my glowing eyes to look at Dick whose smiling down at me; he loves when he gets that glow. He moves towards the bedside table to grab a condom.

“Wait, we won’t be needing those,” I tell him.

“Are you sure?” he asks in a hopeful voice.

“Yes,” I say. “I know you’ve been ready since we started dating but if you want more time to think. We can wait until we’re on the same page.”

“I don’t need any more time.” He crawls over me on the bed and I hold his face between my hands.

“Well then, let’s have a baby,” I say.

The weeks that followed that night were busy. Rachel, Gar, and Tim had a 3 weeks before school started and decided they’d like to try a road trip again as they drove back to school. They wanted to leave after finishing this current issue the city and we were having with Hive.

I blame my tiredness on trying to help Dick tried to find Hive where they strike next, and helping the kids plot their routes and pack everything they’d need.

The night before they left we caught a break and shut down Hive, they were breaking into Dante labs again to steel some chemicals to brainwash people to join their Hive mind. Which isn’t a surprise.

Dick and I were watching TV in our room and I must’ve fallen asleep because when I woke up the room was dark and their was this pain shoring through my lower abdomen.

“Dick, Dick, wake up. Something wrong.”

“Kory, what’s wrong?”

Dick turned on the light and I threw back the blanket to see blood pooling under me. I could feel tears starts to fill my eyes and I looked from the blood to Dick.

“Everything is going to be ok,” he says, “I’m going to call Bruce he’ll know a doctor and send them right away, ok?”

“Ok,” I say and nod

As he reaches for his phone and starts calling Bruce, I vaguely register my phone ringing but I can’t answer it at the time.

“Dick,” I say interrupting whatever he’s saying to Bruce, “I think I’m having a miscarriage.”

As Dick registers my words, I can see the pain on my face reflecting on his. He relays my words to Bruce, keeping his eyes on me.

“Thanks Bruce,” he says and hangs up. “A doctor is on their way. We should head to the med bay.”

My phone continues to ring.

“A clean night gown will feel better,” he says and gently helps me change clothes. He wipes the tears from my eyes with kisses to each cheek and carries me to the med bay while we wait for the doctor.

When the doctor arrives that the only time Dick has left my side and let go of my hand. She’s a specializes in alien physiology, being an alien herself and confirms we miscarried and gives us a some time to process before telling us the next steps. I don’t remember much of the conversation though. She shows herself out afterward.

Dick gets on the bed, pulling me onto his chest.

“Dick! Kory!” a voice shouts moments later.

“Donna?” Dick asks.

Sure enough Donna appears in the doorway.

“Are you guys ok? I got call from Rachel saying something happened but neither of you would answer your phones. So I called asking if he’d be able to tell if something happened in the tower but all he said was I should head over. Then I see a doctor leaving on my in.”

She moves closer dropping her bags and must see the tears in our eyes. “Dick wants wrongs and why was there a doctor here?”

Dick shifts and moves off the bed, “I’ll be right back,” he says to me before turning to Donna “Can we talk in the hall?”

He doesn’t wait for a reply as he drags Donna into the hall to explain. They weren’t gone long before Dick came back in.

“Common let’s go back to our room, you’ll be more comfortable there,” he said. I nodded and began to sit up and Dick picked me up in his arms, carrying me back to our room.

There were clean sheets, “I asked Donna to change them for me. She’s going to stay for a few days.”

[steddie-there]

WIP Wednesday

Well, 21 days later I'm finally doing the WIP Wednesday @afewproblems tagged me in 😅 (if you wanna know why it took me so long, i put my whining at the bottom 😅)

Thank you so much for the tag, my friend!

So this is the entirety of chapter 3 from my Steddie longfic I'd Fall For You Twice, which I've been working on since, I think, January (although I took a break for the end of the school year because it's always draining). Also, this part is very clearly part of my "Erica is the favorite nugget" agenda 😅

It only takes a couple of hours, but Steve chafes at the delay. In the end, all they can really do for him is properly stitch and bandage his multitude of cuts, bites, and scrapes, give him an IV of fluids and antibiotics, and make sure he eats something. He refuses to be admitted as adamantly as he refuses pain meds, too worried about Max and Eddie to sit drowsing in a hospital bed. So, clutching a paper with a prescription for more antibiotics, he heads back down the hall to room 193.

Max’s mom is already there, sitting hunched over at the bedside, her hand desperately clinging to her daughter’s much smaller one. She has her other arm around Lucas, tucking him close against her side. His head, too, is bowed, and his shoulders shake ever so slightly. In the corner, watching her brother and Max and Ms. Hargrove with anxious eyes, sits Erica. Steve can’t look at Max for too long, she’s so motionless and silent, her arms and legs in massive casts. And he doesn’t want to bother Max’s mom or Lucas, so he beelines to Erica, dropping to his knees next to her.

“Hey, kiddo. How are they?” he asks quietly.

She turns to him and she looks so lost and so very, very young that Steve just wants to wrap her up in a hug, keep her safe from everything that’s going wrong in the world. He forgets sometimes that Erica is the youngest of their little ragtag band, just barely into her middle school years, forgets that despite her sass and her facts, she’s still very much a little girl.

With a sniffle, she throws her arms around his neck and clings to him tightly. “Steve,” she whispers fiercely. “What took you so long?”

"I'm sorry," he whispers back, hugging her as she buries her face against his shoulder. "But I'm here now, whatever you need, okay, sweetheart?"

He feels her nod, but she doesn't move away just yet, her hold on his neck tightening like she's afraid he'll disappear if she lets go. The movement against the bandages on his neck stings a little, but he doesn't care, doesn't try to loosen her arms. Whatever she needs. Whatever any of them need.

After a moment, Erica sniffles again and pulls away, wiping at her eyes. He smiles gently. "Hey, there, kiddo," he says again.

She tries to smile back, but it's all wobbly and her lip trembles.

"Any updates?" he asks, trying to give her something to do, something to say.

She shakes her head. "Mm-mm. Just hoping she wakes up soon."

Steve nods his understanding. "And Lucas?"

Erica glances over at her brother and, as much as she usually denies it, Steve can see how much she loves him, how worried she is. "He's not great, either," she answers quietly. "He really cares about Max. I don't know what he'll do if she doesn't wake up." And a very un-Erica-like tone of fear and anxiety quivers in her voice.

Steve takes one of her hands to get her attention and she looks back at him. "Well, whatever happens, we're here for him, right? You and me. And Dustin and Robin. He's not alone," he tells her, giving her fingers a little squeeze, hoping she hears his unspoken message that she isn't alone, either.

She gives him the littlest half-smile. "Right." She pauses for a second, then asks, her eyes serious again, "How's Eddie?"

Steve tries not to show how worried he is when he answers, “Still sleeping, same as Max.” But he’s pretty sure Erica sees through him anyway. She’s good at seeing through bullshit.

“And how are you?” she asks, turning that perception on him, pulling her hand away to gesture at the bandages around his neck.

He gives her a wry smile. “Me? Oh, I’ll live. How are you doing?” he tries to deflect.

“I’ll live,” she echoes back at him and he’s happy to hear a bit of her normal sass in her voice, even if it’s at his expense. “But you look like you oughta sit down before you pass out.” She gives him a pointed look.

He holds up his hands mock-defensively. “Alright, alright, okay, I’m sitting, I’m sitting.” He settles cross-legged on the floor next to her chair. After a moment, she reaches for his hand again and he lets her hold it, her grasp so tight it almost hurts. But he doesn’t say anything and they both lapse into a worried silence.

***

Erica is asleep, curled against the chair, her hand still safely tucked in Steve's own, when a nurse steps into the room. Steve recognizes her as Eddie's nurse and he can feel his heart squeeze and threaten to plummet in his chest, he's so sure something has gone wrong. It must show on his face, how worried he is, because she holds up a placating hand and gives him an encouraging smile.

"There's nothing wrong," she says, for good measure, "Mr. Munson just asked me to come find you, let you know he'll be heading to work soon."

Steve feels the vice in his chest loosen a fraction and takes as deep a breath as he can manage. "Thank you," he tells her with a grateful smile. "If you can, let him know I'll be over there shortly?"

She nods before heading back out the door.

Steve looks down at Erica's sleeping face. Even asleep, her brow is furrowed and a frown pulls the corners of her mouth down. He’s again struck by just how young she is; how young they all are. His gaze drifts to Lucas who, like Erica, has succumbed to the exhaustion they’re all feeling and is slumped over on Max’s bed. Then to Max, to the four casts holding her limbs immobile, the neck brace keeping her head still. Even her face is motionless and it’s so incongruous with her normal impudence and spark.

Steve runs a hand over his eyes.

He never should have let her go through with the plan. She’s a child, not fucking bait and he just let it happen. You were supposed to be the responsible one, moron! You were supposed to take care of all of them! And now look - Max and Eddie both nearly dead and the others injured and -

He bites his lip, pinches the end of his nose. Shoves it back down. He can yell at himself later.

Gently, he extricates his hand from Erica’s, prays she doesn’t wake. She needs the rest. He peels his jacket off and lays it over her, then lets Ms. Hargrove know he’s going back to check on Eddie and what room he’ll be in. She gives him a tight smile and nods. Thanks him for being there for Max. He doesn’t say anything, just nods and retreats into the hallway.

Anyway, yeah, I like that part, it's one of my favorites that I’ve written.

Not gonna tag too many people, and the tags, as always, are no pressure. So if you're working on something and would like to share: @scoops-stevie @willowworkswithwords @steves-strapcollection @nitro502 @madaboutmunson @stevesbipanic @unclewaynemunson @henderdads

(And my whiny reason for taking three weeks to get to this: the last week of school was crazy and draining as always, but then these last two weeks of adjusting into summer break got insane, too - between taking care of my sister's dogs while she took two of her girls to London/Paris for two weeks, chauffeuring another niece to and from band or basketball, and yet more family visiting, I think today is the first real day I've had to breathe 😅 life always finds a way to impede me from doing one of the things I love most, which is responding to tags and tag games and wip stuff.)

[padawansuggest]

Today has been. A fucking roller coaster. As per my post this morning I know I told y’all I woke up at a 9 that spiraled into a ten but lemme tell you what overall happened.

Got back to sleep around 3 hours after I got the nerves to calm down

Woke up four hours later at a 9 that only just barely didn’t spiral

I didn’t even use the bathroom I just pulled on a bra and shorts and a dress and grabbed the bag I made up that morning and left the house for urgent care. No ambulance for UC but it’s literally just around the corner

Only go there instead of ER cause sis reminded me my GP JUST swapped over there so it’s time to get some real help from someone who doesn’t think I’m drug seeking even if I’m at a pain level so high I’m considering S-wording myself

She tells me that even if I have all the symptoms but dryness from sjögrens, a flare up isn’t supposed to be a 9-10 so she thinks it’s an infection and tells me to get antibiotics and oxycodone

Lol as much as I was blinking to stay awake in the store and also I accidentally texted a no-reply number but idk if someone on the other end saw that lmao, it’s not as powerful as they say

So the pain is THAT bad

Two hours later the pain was that bad again

I tried to nap I took pain killers I took another oxy two hours early I played a video game

I am considering if I want the next oxy now that I am past the time limit idk it’s not that bad probably because I’ve been rubbing numbing gels all over my face for hours

Anbesol was really perfect for helping numb my mouth enough to eat something with actual texture to it so that was nice

Idk man it’s been a long ass day and all this shit and it’s still not enough

Istg if this one isn’t gotten rid of with antibiotics I’m gonna scream. Doc seems convinced it’s an infection rollover and I trust her but the ER doctor (while they are always very nice and helpful to me, they’re only really useful for shit like emergency imaging which the radiation tech loves cause he gets overtime lmao) was like. Yeah we could give you a different antibiotic… and made it seem like it was cautionary and not the real solution but idk wake up at a 9 twice in one and maybe it’s an infection

Srsly I got a mental health appointment for the 21st but I’m starting to think if I wake up at a 9 more than twice in one day tomorrow I’m not gonna make it to the 21st

My only saving grace is that I didn’t get sugar at the store. This may seem odd but I am allergic to cane sugar, but when I’m stressed I don’t binge but I do reach for the sugar and end up with mouth ulcers so that’s not like. Nice. Proud of my for avoiding sugar and alcohol in a single trip. Of course, I am also on oxy so idk I don’t wanna DIE

Btw nicest pharmacist ever, he said that since I had a drug I was also picking up today that wouldn’t be safe with oxy, the insurance would not cover the oxy, so he swapped it from 25$ capsules to 8$ tablets and I was okay with paying full for only 8$ lmao he’s amazing.

Um. Love y’all. Glad I went to ER a few days ago and glad sis reminded me they ain’t shit and to go to doc UC today.

[quiet-in-the-wild]

Fuck I do not feel good. I let myself feel the dysphoria today. I know it’s important to feel things - but I usually keep that one like floating outside my body so it doesn’t hurt so bad.

And then at my doctors appointment to talk about starting T (which honestly I feel like I’ve had 3 of these appointments already) and I like my doctor btw- she & her staff misgendered me twice. And made a huge deal out of it both times. So I had to be like- oh don’t worry it’s ok. You’re fine.

(And then I was misgendered 3 times at a chipotle afterwards)

And then my doctor told me- well we’ll even see if you can start testosterone because your liver levels have been elevated. Like literally I know I’ve mentioned to her & several doctors that I’m worried about it- they offer no advice or treatment. And every time I get a blood test they just tell me oh it high- should I be worried- no you’re fine- can I do anything to lower it- no you’re young just don’t eat fried food (which I don’t anyway)

Anyway now I’m worried. I’m scared that I let myself feel how much it hurts and I’m not going to be allowed to start T & I just be stuck feeling all this pain while constantly getting misgendered

& they couldn’t draw my blood (to check my levels) so they stabbed me 5 times so my arms are all bruised so now I have to wait until the bruises go away to get it done at quest. & it took like 2 weeks for the bruises to go away last time.

I’m just feeling rough. & I don’t feel like crying or really feeling it completely- so it’s just lingering. And causing me more pain.

[lucysweatslove]

12.2.23 // Oreo’s First Teeth Cleaning and other thoughts

Oreo has his first teeth cleaning on Friday. He’s five, and this is the first year it was recommended by his vet (we asked about it a few years ago, set up an appointment, was told his teeth were so clean and healthy the risk of anesthesia was not worth the cleaning). I was a nervous Nelly all day. My husband called me at 1, just when class was starting, because they had called him. Oreo is apparently really sensitive to anesthesia, which is weird to me because he’s been under twice before (neuter and anal gland removal) and did okay- but I wonder if anesthesia is dosed by weight class? He was ~19 lbs during his neuter and gland removal and is now ~23 lbs.

He struggled when he got home. I was in class and couldn’t leave, so I didn’t get to see the worst of it, but apparently his back legs didn’t work super well, and he just wanted to be swaddled and held like an infant. Husband said he held him and rocked/walked with him for an hour and then held him on the couch until I got home.

He was very clearly hungry and wanted to eat, but since he was intubated and had his teeth scraped at, chewing was hard- and I was worried that dry kibble would scratch up his throat. So I made rice and chicken- which obviously he loved. The problem? The chicken breasts were frozen and HUMONGOUS and took over an hour to cook. After 40 min at 375 my husband took over, and when I saw the chicken my husband deemed “well cooked” it still looked pink to me… we bickered, and ofc nobody could win that argument because we no longer have a meat thermometer (ours was left outside and rusted).

This morning husband informed me that Oreo ate all of his kibble but needed coaxing- I had wanted to keep him in C&R today to support his throat and because he had diarrhea last night and this morning, but apparently husband decided noooo he wanted the chicken for himself… he actually made himself chicken fried rice for dinner. And poor Oreo could smell the chicken and rice and seemed really excited by the smell… so I made the executive decision to give him C&R again.

Well…. Everybody in the family has had multiple bouts of diarrhea since then. 🙃🙃🙃 Ive had it the easiest. I didn’t eat any of the chicken but realized that I failed to wash my hands after feeding Oreo before I ate something myself. It was all a little early for the time frame for the typical chicken bacteria (salmonella, campy, c perfringens) but it’s the only thing we all had contact with… Thankfully both boys are snoring now, but yeah, not a pleasant day. And now I’m having intermittent stabby spleen pain 🙃🙃

On top of all that my skin is flaring again. My legs have some folliculitis that is… quite bad to the point where if it wasn’t focal in the hair follicles I’d be worried for some kind of insect bites. I’m annoyed by all of the recurrent infections.

Anyway, all of that aside, I’m doing okay all things considered. I’ve been playing Disney Dreamlight Valley (fun) and really not studying the way I should be for school… it’s just hard to motivate. I’ve done some reviewing and don’t suspect I’ll fail but definitely checked out for winter break. I’m also torn atm with body stuff. I feel better having put words to the body and gender disconnect, but when it comes to day to day, it’s hard to DO anything about it other than just internally vibe. Idk, maybe I’d feel better if I was more “out,” but I fear others’ reactions might not be neutral to positive. I’m sure most people wouldn’t care at all if they even noticed a pronoun shift, but it’s the not KNOWING how people will react- the ambiguity… like, assuming they’ll all react positively or neutrally is just as egregious in my mind as assuming anybody would react negatively or use it to other me furthers. Especially professionally. I’m like 99% positive nobody in my class would give it a second thought if they even noticed. But I expect negativity as much as I expect positivity from them, and in the greater professional world there is a lot of negativity. Especially about identities like mine- the ones that are borderline, where I’ve somehow simultaneously been othered by both groups of people with normative and groups with divergent experiences.

Tbh I really don’t know what would help me feel more like me and not eat home in my own body. Old ED brain keeps whispering, oh, people will accept you more if you were thin- and then you can express yourself however you want and look okay enough instead of like a Michelin man. Of course I know that if I fed into that, I still probably would never be happy or content.

I’m doing a good job not falling back into disordered eating patterns, but I can’t take full credit for that because tbh I kinda want to, but it always involved more work and time for me (exercise purging, meal planning and prepping, etc). I don’t have the time or executive functioning to make normal easy meals or go to the gym a regular human amount- I def don’t have 3+ hours to go do split sessions at the gym and 3+ hours to craft the “perfect” meal that I can enjoy but not too much and has protein so I can spare muscle and not totally screw myself over…

And that brings up a lot of other feels too, because Like one part of my feels guilty for thinking about heavy restriction and exercise purging at all. But another part feels entirely invalidated because I’m fat now and unable to “willpower” my way into thinness again (like “if I were ever really sick I’d be able to fall back into this without any problems and be totally fine until I got thin again” which has so many layers to dissect…). And another part is just curious, is it possible to become thin and not hate my appearance without falling into ED world? And aaaannoootthhherr part is curious what others would notice- if anything at all- if I did slip back into ED brain considering how it took YEARS to get anybody to see it was a problem the first time around.

Also can we talk about the time patterns? Because I always get worse in the winter, which screams of SAD, but actually I see two other factors for winter pattern. One, memories (SA, friend’s suicide). Two, I hate how my body looks in winter clothes (Michelin man effect every time I try to wear a sweater lol). There is always the underlying belief that people will like me more if I’m thinner/I’ll be better able to make friends/etc. But during the winter, it’s compounded with memories of the assault, remembering how alone I was, the loss of the one person who was nice… and then all wrapped up in a bow of feeling like I absolutely cannot in any way express myself because winter clothes never feel like me.

But… yeah, all of that aside I’m actually doing okay. I’m holding up. Still eating. I think in my head as long as I’m still eating salad kits with the full fat dressing I’m fine 😅 I’ve had periods of time where I’m like “oh but I could cut so many calories if I swap to Walden farms” and then I’m like “yeah and lose out on 95% of the joy of a salad… “ I’m eating vegetables now when historically they’ve been a punishment, I’ll take the win.

[orangesunsets12]

This is a small snippet from my Stranger Things fanfic story It Takes Two to Survive, a snippet that I was going to include in previous chapters but never got around to it. I don't think that it'll fit into the story anymore, so I figured that I would share it here, if anyone is interested! A little bit of bonus content, if you will!

If anyone wants to read this but hasn't read my story, all that you need to really know is that Steve and Robin were taken by Brenner, given powers, and this scene occurs once they are back home, and everyone knows that they have powers. It does contain some spoilers for the story, though.

Enjoy!

-------------------------------------------

“So, how often have you been shot?” Jonathan asked, watching Steve with a bit of worry. 

Steve loosely shrugged at the question as he held a mug of coffee in his hands. “Too often to count. When we escaped I was pummeled with bullets. Robin was shot once, too.”

Jonathan’s eyes widened. “But you managed to save her, right?”

“Yeah, thankfully. I don’t know what I would do without her.” 

Jonathan nodded. Both of the boys were sitting in the Byers’ dining room as the kids played D&D in the living room. Max and El were just watching, talking in hushed whispers, giggling as the boys played. Mrs. Byers’, knowing that everyone was still a bit on edge, had begun allowing the group to hang out a lot more. Nancy usually joined them, but today she was busy shopping with Robin. Steve didn’t really mind, he was glad to have a bit of time away from Nancy. 

Things were awkward between them. Nancy only asked him light, easy questions, he answered them, and she would go back to Jonathan. Steve didn’t really know how to react to that. Did she hate him? Did he change too much for them to still be friends? Were things just different now?

Steve tried not to focus on it too much. She would talk to him when she was ready, and he would, too. 

“Did it hurt?” Jonathan asked, cutting through the silence, and Steve nodded. “Getting shot?”

“At first. Then the pain just faded away. It’s like that with everything I endure. Fire. Water. Electricity. Emotions.”

The other boy eyed him with concern, yet Steve kept on talking. 

“But, it’s not like it’s a big deal, the pain goes away as soon as it comes. Bruises don’t stay for long, blood stops nearly instantly, and I’m totally fine to keep on going. I’ve only collapsed like, twice, and one of the times was because I forgot to eat for a while.” Steve gestured to the bowl of popcorn in front of him wildly, “Which, obviously, is a problem that I’ve fixed.”

“Steve, that’s not the point.” Jonathan urged, making his voice softer yet still more serious at the same time. “The point is that you keep on getting hurt, even if it’s temporary. And it doesn’t matter if you have powers or not, you have to stop.”

“Stop? Stop what?” Steve lowered his voice down to a hiss, pointing to the kids in the living room. “Stop doing what I can to protect them? Stop putting my life on the line to make sure that they live to see the next day? If I hadn’t done what I did, if I stopped doing what I can, people would’ve died. Robin would’ve died. The kids, even your brother, would’ve died. I won’t stop. I'll never stop, no matter what.”

[amour-de-tous]

So tomorrow I--hi, yeah, I haven’t updated in anyone about anything in, like, months, because I have been levels of stressed heretofore unknown--anyway, tomorrow I have Another Dentist Appointment. This one was not supposed to happen! I was supposed to be on a healing break from May 4th through the end of July but the crown the dentist put on the Not Extracted Tooth (obviously) has never quit hurting (a LOT) since he put it on April 27th.  And, like, okay. I know. It’s bad to take nSAIDs every day, I get that, but like. You have to understand. I have not been able to physically *close my mouth* without agonizing pain since then so I’ve, you know, been taking ibuprofen at least once but mostly twice a day to try and be able to eat and sleep.  And, yeah. Okay. Yes. I should have called him earlier. But I ALSO know that a crown can take up to 6 weeks to “settle”, so I was, you know. Waiting for that. And then 6 weeks came and gone and I was like. Look. I don’t want to go back in if I don’t have to. Have *another* exposure to covid. I was going to try to just. Wait. And hope for the best.  But then I started having stomach upset so, you know, repeated longterm use of nSAIDs, etc, not good.  So I called on Friday and they gave me an appointment for tomorrow (1:40pm). And I am.  Legitimately. Terrified.  Because a: the dentist already removed part of my tooth opposite the crown because, idk, when he prepped the tooth for the crown he didn’t...take enough tooth off? And it’s a gold crown and the crown ITSELF can’t be adjusted, so he had to adjust my *actual tooth* above the crown, which I was really not happy with in the first place. And now I’m going to go back in, tomorrow, and he’s probably going to berate me for not coming in sooner and then I’m probably going to either yell or cry or maybe both and I am.  So tired.  I’m just so tired of being in pain. We’ve paid this man a truly obscene amount of money. He is supposed to be one of the best dentists in the area. And. This?  So I’m terrified I go in tomorrow and he either removes so much of my Actual Tooth above the crown that I end up with a tooth that hurts/is sensitive, OR he says “well there’s nothing we can do, you just have to live in pain”  Which.  I can’t? Because this pain is bad enough I literally can’t close my mouth and touch my teeth together, let alone chew, or sleep? And I can’t keep taking painkillers every day, obviously.  I’m more nervous about tomorrow’s appointment than I was for the *actual dental surgery*.  Anywho.  That’s.... Happening. 

[regularponyfan]

Reading the Bad Guys Movie Novelization:

For some reason, the prologue is told from Wolf’s perspective and the rest is in third-person. Inconsistency much?

Let it be known that Snake hates split pea soup.

“It is always nice to get to know my buddy on a deeper level.” Wolf, you are so in love.

The fart scene is so much funnier in text.

This exchange: “Nice work, birthday boy.” Snake hissed back.

Someone add “El Nocturno” to the Bad Guys wiki.

Why did they swap out Mother Teresa with the Dalai Lama? Is Mother Teresa not school-friendly or something?

It’s confirmed that Chief Luggins eats other officers’ leftovers.

The spelling of “booty” cracks me up.

Why did they not include the scene of Piranha walking Wolf across the street?

According to the novel, the cat is female, even though Wolf still refers to it as a “he.” Not sure how canon this is.

“‘Madame Governor,’ he said, his voice smooth and flirty.” Damn Wolf, you’re such a player.

When the one person said they’d throw their cat into a tree just so the Bad Guys will save it. 🤣

“They steal hearts instead of wallets now.” AWWWW! 🥰

I love Webs’ advice for young hackers.

“Someone shouted on the other side of the room.” Uhh…the author knows the gala takes place outdoors, right?

“Maybe, Snake thought, his tail screaming in pain, my part of the plan isn’t going exactly right after all…” Aww, poor Snakey 🥺.

Wolf feels weird around Diane. Also, he drops his wallet in a donation box 😊.

The chief when Wolf asks for the Golden Dolphin: “Uh…okay.” 😂

Apparently, the author does know the gala is outside. They must just believe rooms can be outdoors.

Speaking of, I guess they didn’t proofread because the chief literally says one of her lines twice in Chapter 13.

Apparently, each of Webs’ hands has a full set of fingers.

It’s so cute how Snake is referred to as Wolf’s “bestie” even if it’s before they fight.

“Nothing says evil like a toxic pink glow.” Except that the meteorite glows blue in the movie. The guinea pigs’ eyes, too.

I wish the movie did show Webs comforting Piranha after their place was robbed. That was too sweet.

Love how they referred to Piranha’s dorsal fin as a “Mohawk.”

“Snake…but why?” “Because I’m a bad guy, remember?” Wow. That’s cold.

“I’ve never been happier to smell you guys!” LOL.

So cute how Wolf laughs at Snake teasing Marmalade even though he believes he was betrayed by him.

“Weenie guinea pig voice” XD

“Wolf, can I go crazy? Please say yes!” Oh, Piranha! 🤣

Chapter 19 should have been combined with Chapter 20 or something. It’s way too short.

“Catching Snake before he landed was all Wolf was thinking about now.” AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💕💕💕💕💕

“Wolf caught Snake in his furry arms.” OMG WHY DIDN’T IT GO LIKE THIS IN THE MOVIE?!!!!!

“Piranha popped out from under Shark’s butt.” Um…whatever you’re into, Piranha.

The paragraph saying how much Snake loves his friends melted my heart.

Also, Snake has fingers according to the writer.

Why are some of these chapters so short? Just combine them!

I literally bought this book because of the fluffyvenom posts on here.

Also, because I just read the 16th book and was still craving more Bad Guys content.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?) First off, thank you admins for taking the time to run this blog- the resources and comfort y’all provide means so much. I’m on mobile so sorry for writing a poorly formatted novel length ask lol

I have unique trauma, and I never see it discussed anywhere else so in the interest of possibly helping someone who hasn’t put the pieces together yet I wanted to talk about it.

When I was around 3, I got a UTI (im a cis woman). My doctor wanted to make sure I didn’t have kidney reflux, so they ordered a test called a VCUG. In short, what they do is put a catheter in you with no sedative/topical anesthetic, pump your bladder full of radiocontrast fluid until it literally backs up to your kidney (incredibly painful), and then you’re supposed to piss it out on the table or into a towel. I read a study (Goodman et al 1990, can send a link if y’all are interested) researching the validity of children’s testimony in court about CSA trauma (like how accurately they could remember the incident), and the “test” they used is the VCUG because it has every characteristic of a rape, but it’s a medical procedure (direct, painful genital contact and penetration with a foreign object by a stranger while a parent watches). I had it done twice in 6 month, and when my doctor ordered a third test “just to see” my mom put her foot down and said no.

It was my first memory, but for 23 years of my life I believed it was an exaggerated or false memory because it seemed cartoonishly traumatic and I didn’t believe it was a real medical procedure. I thought that it was just an ultrasound and because I was so young and scared I constructed that memory. But it WAS real. I found my medical record and put the pieces together myself as an adult. my first memory is of strangers undressing me, touching me, my mother helping the nurses restrain me, them “taking photos” of me with ultrasound and X-ray equipment, being denied autonomy over my own body and being treated like a science experiment. My entire life, I’ve been so confused, not knowing why I can’t set boundaries or have normal relationships, or why I gravitate towards people who have severe trauma, and why I understood how they felt. I always felt guilty because I didn’t have a “story” like they did. I believed I was just Incredibly Fucked Up For No Reason because I grew up in a stable home (for the most part), and I felt like I didn’t “deserve” to have those feelings because I didn’t think anything happened to me. But it did, and it /severely/ traumatized me. Because it’s my first memory, it’s a cornerstone of my personality, for better or for worse.

So my question is- now that I know what happened, how do I cope with feeling like a victim if there is no true perpetrator? There is no face attached to my trauma, nobody to blame. I was a toddler, the doctors and nurses were just doing their job, and if my mom didn’t follow their advice she’d be accused of medically neglecting her child. I guess I can be mad at the for profit medical system and the fact that doctors are financially incentivized to order those tests, but I feel like I can’t get complete closure from that. I want to tell some of my friends who have opened up to me about their own csa trauma, but I feel inadequate. Like on one hand, I didn’t get raped. It wasn’t like a family member I trusted was coming into my room every night. But on the other hand, it’s more extreme in a way? Like a medical bdsm gang rape while my mom watched. It’s dehumanizing in a different way because I wasn’t even seen as an object of attraction, I was like a lab rat. I have all of the same problems, the disassociation, the identity issues, the sexual problems, addiction, and self harm in the form of an eating disorder. I know that its not fair or healthy to compare my trauma to anyone else’s, but I’m just anxious about the reaction I might get from my friends whose experiences were more “textbook” abuse. So I’m kinda testing the waters here, if y’all have any advice for me I’d appreciate it.

This is more of a confession than a question, but I also have a memory gap from ages 7-9, and my therapist thinks something else was happening because losing two entire years like that is Not Normal. I can’t even recognize myself in photos from that time period. It’s a pretty disturbing feeling. I was already showing hypersexual behavior around 6- is it bad to hope that I do find out someone hurt me, so I can have a face to my trauma? So that I can find someone to blame other than myself and externalize the pain?

thank you again for reading my novel again I’m so sorry for the formatting 💕

Hello,

I think it could be good to understand it as a medical trauma along with sexual aspects. It sounds like you had a doctor who didn't know what he was doing or had incentives to put you through unnecessary testing which could count as medical malpractice.

Medical trauma rather from necessary procedures or unnecessary is something that feels like a violation of bodily integrity. Because you are having things in your body that are not a part of you. It's not gang rape, but it is a group of people treating you not like a person and putting your body through extreme physical and emotional stress. That is extremely traumatic and will have huge effects on anyone, especially children.

I personally have gone through a lot of medical trauma along with my CSA and psychological abuse. I have nightmares, body memories and flashbacks to medical events.

You are not alone in having gone through rare medical procedures and experiencing medical trauma from them. It might feel like you have extremely unique trauma, but other people have experienced rare medical procedures that caused trauma reactions or feel like sexual assault. Many tests and medical equipment go into the body (all kinds of feeding tubes, ostomy bags, catheters, tracheal tubes etc) and can feel like our bodily integrity has been broken.

Even if there isn't one huge perpetrator because the people were doing their job, that doesn't make you to blame for what you are going through. You can blame the doctor I suppose for ordering a test you didn't need, but you can also blame no one. No one had to be "evil" for the trauma to be real. Medica trauma is extremely real and no one is always in the wrong, it's just extreme stress on the brain so you experience trauma being held in the body.

I think when you get thoughts about your trauma not being valid because there is not one perpetrator, try and counter that thought. Maybe something like medical trauma is real, and so are my feelings. You can also practice journaling or making art about your trauma as this will help externalize your story and organize thoughts and emotions.

Many coping skills and trauma processing therapies (examples: somatic experiencing or EMDR) that work for CSA will also work for you. There are nuances to every trauma type but many skills overlap. [Resources-Info & Coping Skills]

Your trauma is valid, important and discerning to be heard and respected. Because you were put through something that hurt you and that's important. You are important and so is your story.

I wouldn't tell your friends your trauma is worse, as I don't think it is going to go over well with them I would also say knowing your abuser found you sexy isn't a protective factor against becoming traumatized.

I think telling your friends could be good, maybe don't frame it as "I experienced the same thing you did" or "I went through some more unique so it's worse" but instead frame it closer to "I experienced extreme medical trauma that had similar effects to sexual trauma. I could use some support in dealing with it." I think that framing will get you the best outcomes. Because you deserve to have the way it affected your sexuality respected, but framing your abuse in competition with there's might cause bad results.

Wanting our abuse to look like what trauma is generally shaped as, looking for a perpetrator or wanting the trauma to be "worse" is all totally normal. You are not a bad person. Also please be careful with recovering memories trying to force it can hurt.

I hope some of this helps,

-Admin 1