#ponderings and musings

[amour-de-tous]

🎶 It's that time of year 🎶

Where I make a fundraising plea that, hopefully, I will someday not need to make. Short of it: My SSI disability decision is ~ongoing~. The judge gave me the option of applying for another hearing to introduce new medical evidence (have had several new doctors visits/tests), which she would grant "if she did not intend to rule fully favourable". She granted the new hearing, which means she planned to deny (again). So still waiting on SSI. Still unemployed (since early 2019) with no way to make any income at all. Had a fall in early October that exacerbated existing medical conditions and seems to have precipitated some new ones (new types of pain in my ribs and stomach that have not gone away) and is making even menial tasks like showering, making food, and even just sitting up almost impossible for the last few months. I have spent a lot of time unable to leave my bed. My mother and caretaker had a very scary medical event happen in early December that incapacitated her for a while and made things like laundry not even able to be done for some time. It was a cancer scare and it was extremely stressful (the tests have come back clear but she is still experiencing symptoms). There have been so many medical expenses for me lately, just to try and manage pain (hundreds and hundreds spent on CBD, sleep aids, accessibility aids, masks so I can at least attempt to be safe at necessary medical appointments, the list goes on and on). Even groceries are more expensive because with my immunocompromised status we still can't go into a store, and curbside is more expensive and charges fees. My whole Dental Situation is ongoing; my implant is in but I need one more oral surgery and then the actual tooth. That will be at least $2k yet, and I will cross that bridge when I schedule that (it was supposed to happen in July, but I flared so hard I couldn't get out of bed so that did not happen). All of this to say: friends, if you can send me anything, I would greatly appreciate it. I know I keep saying "this year was really hard", but by talos this year was really hard. :\ Hoping that, someday soon, I can be the one helping other folks out again. As always, please use friends and family so paypal doesn't take fees out. Writing it without the . because tumblr hates links: paypal DOT me/CNMsmiles

[westrastorm]

Bro I am literally just partaking in the divine act of creation

[septemberkisses]

you know what love is?

love is waking up to see their sleeping face. love is fighting for using the bathroom first. love is knowing how they like their coffee. or tea. or something else. love is reading them the newspaper. love is sending them funny pictures in the middle of the day. love is coming home together and ordering take-outs. love is applying nailpaints for them. love is peeling hot potatoes with them. love is combing their hair and listening to their rant. love is knowing that they love you, even if they don't say it.

love is in the little moments.

[azukilynn]

no need

-

the church of long shadows

of trees upon trees

no need to fall to one's knees

here, no need

-

the muse is a crow

perched near me, in the pines

not a warning at all

but a blessing

all mine

-

no god but my own breath

as wide as the sky

my footfalls

my heartbeat

the light in my eyes

-

azuki lynn

[jgmartin]

sometimes i wonder how the world might change if we started defining ourselves by the things we loved instead of the things we hate.

[cattonquickstart]

i haven’t personally seen anyone talking about it but im so interested in the absolute bisexuality of saltburn. oliver is obviously bisexual, it’s heavily implied that farleigh is bi or pan, elspeth has had bisexual experiences (although it’s unclear how she identifies at this point in her life), and while we only see felix with women, there’s clearly an argument to be made for him being into oliver—that’s at the center of the whole film. the only member of the central cast of characters who isn’t shown in this way is venetia (and i think there’s something to be said there about elspeth preferring men, but that’s a whole other post).

im still working out how exactly i feel about this, but it casts this feeling of fantasy over the whole story. the whole time, we’re in the realm of high society—academia & aristocracy—and no one has any qualms about all of this? in 2006 especially? personally, being bisexual myself, i always forget that the majority of other people will only understand like 50% of the people i find attractive, one way or the other, and it makes me wonder just how deeply unreliable of a narrator ollie is. in this story where oliver is supposed to be an outsider, the world is somehow always perfectly tailored to him.

[brown-little-robin]

How self-insert-y do I want to get with this new oc 🤔

[lepidopteragirl]

i genuinely could write a thesis on parasocial relationships/perceived victimhood and dream and taylor swifts online fanbases. but i dont want to get fucking assassinated. so i will not be doing that today

[amour-de-tous]

are you a “one watch/read/listen” and I’m done with it neurodivergent or a “I will rewatch/reread/relisten to this till the end of time and then at least twice more” neurodivergent? bonus question: do you have an anxiety disorder

[westrastorm]

there’s something magical about walking around in the night when no one else is really around to see you and you can meander about, no eyes on you. nothing is there but your thoughts, the streetlights, and the sky.

[byanyan]

ㅤㅤ" wonder if i could kill a man usin' nothin' but glitter... "

[mooshroomgirlfriend]

disco elysium brainworm has taken over i talked to my sociology professor about the insulindian phasmid today and how it related to our reading about the social construction of reality

[southeast-northwest]

the concept of a best friend is so foreign yet so funny to me

ive never had a "ride or die" kind of bestie that's a trope in media, but recently I was having dinner with some friends and the concept just kinda came up.

If I were to take the phrase "best friend" literally - the person out of all my friends whom I am the closest to would fit that bill, right? but she has closer friends than me so in the most literal sense, I am not my best friend's best friend.

and i honestly am not only ok with that, but I couldn't care less. we are still good friends, and nothing can change that

[bakerstreethound]

I try not to post anything about my body or body insecurity in general but I've been wondering and pondering something and I know it might sound so stupid to ask here but here it goes. Also I'm going to put a read more insert here so anyone can bypass if talk of a body/body image is uncomfortable.

Anyways so the question I am being dumb about that I wanted to ask....like is it okay in your early to mid twenties to see an increase of...idk if it's body fat or whatnot around the hips, thighs, butt, and waist a little? (I'm afab just for clarification)

I'm assuming it's normal it's just been weird to see some parts of my body getting a bit....squishier I suppose? I've been tall and leanish most my life so idk why this is a revalation to me and my clothes I've had the past 5 years and such still fit me.

I guess the thought of growing into my body is just now consciously making it into my mind so now that I see some love handles growing its been a revalation I suppose. Yay human bodies.

[shelbyatwar]

Vows and Deeds

Test me to my soul,I am ready to bleed Lead me to liberation then,I am ready to fly Grip my hands to anchors, I'm awaiting to fulfill the deeds, Then may you take myself,I'll still be ready to thrive.

But I'm not ready, to leave my deeds at wreck To bleed them while they wretch, rather I'll be in much more dismay, than to let a drop of breach to shed if it happens so, I will be forward and almighty will see me at rest.

I'll long to stay I'll long to achieve, I'll unleash my self out, to make my vows to breath.

The Ground of stillness so serenity,it shall achieve I am sure to bring my deeds at par, I'll never dread to proceed.

the plight times bear, often prove to be a welcome before glee , the temperance with which one prolongs, becomes the breeding ground of its virtuous victory.

-Yash

[weepingfoxfury]

Standing beneath the denuded apple trees, fruit sprawled, half eaten by birds and the nocturnal residents that thrive on such things ... along the road are buckets of apples offered for free, so they don't 'go to waste' ... I find myself wryly amused by this ...