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kingsuckjin · 4 years

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Just Smile -2

✷Paring: joker!jk x reader, robin! jin x reader, bts x reader

✷ Genre: bts batman au

✷Description: Description: All you’ve ever wanted was to help, that’s all. When you landed a job at Arkham asylum (possibly unjustly), you thought maybe you could help the poor souls locked away there. You were apprehensive about meeting one in particular, the worst criminal of his time, the infamous Jeon Jungkook, well known around Gotham as the Joker. But what if this man isn’t what the rumors and his records say he is? What if he saw you as the one needing help? You only had to do him one small favor and he could make every dream you’ve ever had could come true, he could take all the pain away and you would never want for anything ever again. Could what he offers be the truth? You can’t say you weren’t warned about him.

✷ Warnings: mention of kooks facial scars and self harm, the security isn't nice to kook, talk of mental disorders, talk of violence, depression, self loathing, idk if I forgot something please let me know

✷Words: 3.9k

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--Series Masterlist--

"Jeon Jungkook: age 22, displays sociopathic behavior, physically aggressive."

The last two words were ones that no therapist wanted to read, it was intimidating.

You thought about just closing the case file and just thinking about how to approach this.

You were told you had to see this guy every single day, more than the hand full of others you were assigned to. You thought maybe your new boss was giving you the toughest case first just to see if he could break you, get you to quit.

You sighed as you glanced back down at the file of Jungkook on your desk and urged yourself to read further, it was important that you knew what he's done and what he could do.

The lists of things he had done read like a novel and was probably just as long as one too. "Sentenced to Arkham Asylum by pleasing insanity under the sentences and accusations of: poisoning the city's water supply, which was considered an act of terrorism. Also thought to be involved in causing the disappearance of over forty people." the list just kept going on and on.

You felt sick at your stomach making you close the file.

You wondered how you would even go about making a treatment plan for a man this vicious. You decided you couldn't, not until you met with him first. Meeting with him would be most of the battle. Would he try to snap your neck on the spot? Would he yell and scream at you?

To be honest, you were afraid. But all you could do was suck it up and act like the professional you were.

"He's ready" a member of staff poked his head through the cracked door of your new office. You knew who he was talking about, you knew who was ready, but were you?

You plastered a fake smile across your face and stood from your seat.

"Okay- I- I- um. That's great!" You tried to act as cheerful as you could given the unsettling feeling you had in your stomach.

"I'll be taking you to where you'll be meeting with him. You've had time to look over his files, right?" He asked as you left the office with the hospital staff and walked out into the too brightly lit hallway.

"Yes, of course." but you felt as though “barely” would have been more accurate reply.

"So you've seen the list of what this piece of shit has done."

"I-I-" it was hardly professional to be calling a patient a name like that "I have." But you agreed anyway.

"Just making sure, you really need to be warned about this guy. Last week he tried to bite another guy's finger off and he's been in isolation ever since."

"Oh." Left your mouth as your thoughts blanked out with it, all but one which was”

Dear god, what did I agree to?

"Is locked up though, on his meds, and there will be a guard in the room just in case."

Well that calmed your fears somewhat.

You passed door after door, some with yelling and screaming behind it, another with creepy singing, some patients just beat on the metal door with no regard, some were silent.

You saw two armed guards standing beside one of the doors just up ahead and you just knew that this was your stop, sure enough, the security man pulled out a card and ran it in front of a small box by the doorway, it let out a single, short, high pitched beep.

"You should get one of these soon" He told you as he opened the door and showed you his key card, but you couldn't concentrate on anything else but the man that was revealed to be inside of the stark white room. He sat at one side of the table in a cheap folding chair by a wall. The more you looked, you could see that he was handcuffed to a metal bar, bolted to the white concrete wall. His head, with a mess of toxic bright green hair, was tilted downwards, looking at the table and not you as you walked in. Hair was wild and stuck up in random places as if he had just rolled out of bed.

Your eyes flickered to the guard standing directly behind him, a tall muscular man with a large gun held across his broad chest, ready if needed.

The metal door shut behind you and you admittedly jumped just a little at the unexpected sound.

You walked slowly over to the table, wondering when your new patient would look up at you. Even without him looking up you could see that his skin looked a pasty white shade and you thought maybe he hadn't been outside in a while, that being inside here had done this to him.

You had a seat in the chair across from him and cleared your throat and did your best to sound not nervous although your palms were covered in sweat.

"Hello I'm Doctor y/l/n"

He didn't answer or say anything for a moment, you thought he might be asleep.

"I know" His voice was calm, yet he still didn't look at you. The sound of his voice was much more peaceful than you expected, more soothing, velvety sweet like his vocal cords had been dipped in honey. You had expected a gruff deep voice that would invoke fear upon hearing a single word.

"What's your name?" You did your best to try to make conversation, you'd take what you could get at this point, you just had to get him talking, but you weren't sure that he would, judging by his demeanor and opposition to look at you.

"You know my name." His voice continued to stay calm, and he didn't seem upset at all, he just seemed to point out a fact.

"I do, but introductions are important. I would like to hear your name from you." You urged gently.

"Jeon Jungkook, patient 2354" he complied nicely with you, even giving you his patient number that you recall being beside his name in his file.

"Jungkook? Why don't you want to look at me?" You asked hoping that if he did then maybe he would feel more connected with you

"Skipping to the straightforward questions already?" his head bobbed a little as he let out a huff of amusement that wasn't sassy, but actually seemed like he was a little surprised by your basic request.

"You don't like that? Would you prefer to talk about other things?" you wanted to be careful just in case you had read him wrong, you wanted him to feel comfortable, you wanted him to know he could switch topics at any time.

"No, that's alright, I figured you'd ask, they all ask me to eventually."

You didn't know who he was referring to, they as in other therapists or staff or what. You were confused, but you decided to let him continue to speak other than asking more questions.

"My face... is... you haven't heard about my face?" He seemed so apprehensive to speak about it.

"No, I've only read your file, and it said nothing about your face." You informed him.

"It's pretty scary."

"Well that's okay. I won't judge you. I don't mind at all." You did your best to reassure him. "But if looking down makes you comfortable I'm not going to-"

"You promise you won't scream if I show you?" He cut you off. It seemed like he wanted to show you.

"I swear." You were sure of your words.

You watched as he slowly lifted his mossy colored head up until his brown eyes met yours. He had a strikingly beautiful face, his eyes wide and brown almost deer-like, a strong jaw but gentle curves on his face that told you he was young. He had a few tattoos that you could see, a sad face with X’s for eyes on one of his cheek bones. The second was a few words near his collarbone that you couldn't quite read due to it being mostly obstructed by the collar of his white patient jumpsuit. To be honest, the tattoos suited him and his rather odd but soft features.

"I see nothing but your nice brown eyes." You were honest, his other nice features seemed to draw attention away from the not so nice one.

"Don't lie to me." He still didn't seem angry or upset or like it was a warning at all, just disbelieving of your comment.

You did however do your best not to look at the jagged scar of marred skin coming from the sides of his mouth to his mid cheeks. It looked like it had been cut so roughly, so carelessly, almost ripped. You did feel the very slightest urge to reach out and touch it, run your fingers along the long healed rugged scar, simply out of curiosity of what it felt like. Of course that would be inappropriate, and you knew better than to put your hand near the mouth of a man who almost bit someone’s finger off of course.

"I'm not going to scream, I'm not judging you, I'm not disgusted by you or anything you might think." You told the truth once again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Sure, I don't mind." He gave a shrug and the chains that bound his wrists slightly jingled with the movement.

This was not at all how you expected the meeting to go. He seemed so quiet, calm and gentle. His current attitude was almost jarring compared to all the awful things you had read about him. You still weren't about to let your guard down thinking he might switch personalities at any moment to a more violent one, you were waiting for it just in case. In a way you wanted to see it, see what he might be like at his worst. You wanted him to match up with what you read in his file, but you were also very terrified of that.

"Do you want to tell me how it happened?" You asked and he gave a small nod.

"I-uh-I did it to myself." He was being so honest and open, yet his muttering and stuttering reflected his apprehension in talking about it, but you were still glad he was.

"Why? How?" You continued to prod, to see what he would and wouldn't answer and feel out his boundaries.

"I was tired of not smiling, so I took a knife and I cut my cheeks into a permanent smile."

You had to will your eyebrows to not raise at his answer in slight shock or furrow with worry.

"You seem ashamed to show people, is that why your head was down and you didn't want to let me see?"

He nodded.

"I don't enjoy looking like this anymore, especially not in front of someone seemingly so flawless. "I regret it."

You were aware he had just insinuated you were flawless, he had complimented you, but you decided to say nothing about it and move on.

"What was going on in your mind at the time? Do you want to explain your thought process behind it?"

"I-" he took a deep breath and once again looked down at the plastic grey table top. "I was younger, eighteen I think… eighteen is when it all happened. I was in an accident, hence my skin and hair, it- it really altered my mind. I was doing horrible things, and my mind… well it wasn't in the best state, I just kept falling further and further into a dark dark hole. My skin was ruined, my hair was ruined, my mind felt ruined, I was depressed. I thought no one would want someone like me- someone who looked this way. I was tired of being sad and in a bit of a psychotic rage, I cut the sides of my mouth into a permanent smile. Do you like it? If its not scary is it at least surprising to you?”

"Well,” you began with a playful tone, “I don't know if I can be surprised much anymore, especially by my line of work. Do you like surprises?"

"I do." He smiled a genuinely sweet smile and you could see his two front teeth were just a bit more prominent than the rest.

"What kind?" You wanted to keep him talking and any conversation going, and this seemed like a pleasant one, but to your dismay he gave a shrug. He almost seemed a little shy now, and that was once again very different from the violent man’s case file you had read.

"Well what else do you like?"

"A lot of things. I like pretty things." He looked and you "and I like... I just miss the outside world."

"Did you find beauty in the outside world?” you genuinely wanted to know what he liked about being free.

“I do.I like the least expected things, those are the most beautiful, the chaos. Busy streets, hives of bees. There’s beauty in chaos I suppose, people don't like it but it’s underrated. So are imperfect things, imperfections are beautiful, unique, interesting.”

His answer spoke volumes about him, it seemed to begin to tell you why he did the things he did, but you were sure it was only the tip of the iceberg of reasons why he was the way he was, and you now found yourself more than curious about the whys and hows of him and what made him tick. He seemed so soft spoken,calm, and so open but you knew there had to be another more violent and brutal side of him.

“Tell me about how you grew up.” you clasped your hands together on the table until you thought better of it. Somehow thinking that your arm freedom would be like rubbing it in his face that he was bound by chains and limited in mobility.

“Hmmm, I’m not sure what there is to tell, I grew up like any other kid in the suburbs of Gotham… at least I believe I did… I don't know things are blurry before the accident.”

“Accident?” you urged him to continue noticing he had mentioned this just a few moments ago but had not elaborated on it.

“The chemical accident.” you noticed him stare down at the table once more, his jaw seemed to clench. It seemed hard for him to talk about it, but talking about things was good, it was the only way to get breakthroughs. For a moment you didn't think he would go into it, you were about to change the subject and come back to the question at a later time in a more gentle way.

“I fell… into some chemicals… I was an employee, my first job. A janitor. It didn't pay much, I felt like I never had any money and it was hard with… I just couldn’t…” he stopped himself and struggled.

“Take your time.” you said gently.

“It wasn't making ends meet. I started to steal things, burglarize homes. I never hurt anyone, I didn't want to, it was never my intent. I just had to find a way to make money for…” he let out a sigh “I just needed the money. I don't remember much from my childhood or teenage years, if I played a sport in school, who I was friends with, hell even my parent’s names. I do remember the struggle I went through right before the accident.”

“That's alright I-”

“Times up.” The big man from behind him boomed cutting off your sentence. You felt like he was really opening up to you though and it was only the first meeting.

“Five more m-” you wanted to barter with the man, but he cut you off once more with the same phrase.

You scooted out your chair and stood in defeat.

You didn't even flinch when Jungkook also stood quickly and attempted to reach out a shackled hand for you to shake.

Your hand went towards his but in a matter of seconds he had stumbled backwards onto the floor. You looked at the chain in the guards hand and assessed that he had pulled it, sending Jungkook to the floor.

You felt a tinge of guilt, especially when the man dragged him to his feet and back into his chair by the deep green hair. You just stood there gobsmacked with wide eyes at the abuse you had just witnessed. The man still had his large fingers in Jungkook’s shaggy hair.

“It was nice meeting you.” he said as he grunted in pain at how tightly the man held him by the hair. “I don't know when I’ll see you next… or the condition I’ll be in” he threw in making the man twist his fingers in his hair earning a series of ouches from Jungkook for the smart remark that might have hid a secret fear. “But I look forward to it.”

You were unsure of what you could do, it was obvious you held no power here.

“Yeah…” you scooted in your chair “I-me too.”

All you could do was turn and walk out, hoping the guard would release his hair once you left.

----------------

The way he was treated bothered you, even long after you were home. You had showered, tried to eat but you couldn't shake how he had been treated. It wasn't your place to say how things were run there though, which is why you flopped onto your sofa and flipped through Netflix to try to forget or at least ease how upset you were with the movie.

That was until a pretty, velvet bag had caught your eye on the coffee table. It sat in the same place where you had haphazardly thrown it last night, untouched and forgotten.

Suddenly you were lunging out of your seat for it and dumping its contents into your lap.

You couldn't believe you had forgotten about it, that weird cat man could've given you anything, drugs, stolen jewelry, human teeth. What fell out onto your lap though wasn't any of that though.

"What the fuck?" You whispered in awe as you looked down at the thick stack of rubber banded together stack of cash that had fallen into your lap.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" You thought out loud. You had never seen so much money in one place at one time, you couldn't even pretend you knew how much it might be.

All you could do is stare until your phone buzzed from its spot on the couch cushion beside you. You directed your eyes away from the obscene amount of money you now possessed, and glanced at the name "jinnie" surrounded by hearts popping up on the screen making you sigh. You wanted to answer it, you wanted him to ask how your first day at work went, you wanted to continue to pretend last night didn't happen, pretend he felt the same way about you like you had before. But he lied to you, he led you on, he broke your heart, made you cry, you were never anything real to him and you refused to forget that now.

You let the phone ring as you stuffed the money back into it's nice bag and contemplated taking it to the police department. You thought hard about it, but if it was stolen from the party would you be arrested? You had been at that party, you were seen with the stranger, you could be seen as an accomplice. You picked up your now quieted phone and headed to your room where you tucked the money neatly into a shoe box under your bed before getting in.

In your mind Seokjin had once again ruined another night.

You drifted off thinking about Jungkook being tugged by the chains to the floor, unfortunately leading to dreams you're the one stuck in that white room, being hurt by the big guard with the gun. Feeling so trapped, dragged by the hair, knowing there would never be a way to leave and see the bees and hear the sounds of traffic out your apartment window ever again. You were thrown to the floor over and over and it seemed as though the sound of it grew louder and louder until you woke up and sat up in bed only to realize there was knocking at the door.

You reach for your phone on the bedside table in the darkness as you throw back your comforter with the other hand. The time reads thee in the morning as you head into your living room, but pause.

The knocking had stopped.

You were still curious and irritated at who would be knocking on your door this early in the morning, so you once again head towards it, unlock it, and throw it open to see absolutely nothing, no one, not even a stray cat.

You stepped out to look around a little and your bare foot stepped on something that was not the concrete of your front porch.

You picked up what looked to be an envelope and took it in, making sure to lock the door back up behind you, just to be safe, before flipping on a light.

The envelope was a bright green and had one of those very old fashioned smooth looking, red wax seals binding it closed, within the wax was the shape of a question mark.

You opened it to find a short but very neatly written note.

"People make me, save me, change me, raise me, what am I?

I believe the cat has given you something that doesn't belong to you, a terrible burden to put in your hands. So smart not showing him where you live, but I'm smarter. Peek-a-boo, I found you. Don't worry, I don't wish to hurt you, on the contrary, I simply wish to pardon you from your involvement in this. Leave it in your mailbox at midnight tomorrow night."

You thoroughly read the note a few times before your sleepy brain figured it out.

"The money." You whispered to yourself. The note felt a little foreboding despite the promise not to hurt you. Nervousness began to wash over you as you just stared at the note now with eyelids heavy from not enough sleep. This money was definitely someone else's and that someone else knew where you lived.

"Thanks cat boy." You sarcastically muttered to yourself as your feet dragged your exhausted body back to bed.

No matter how tired you felt, you were unable to sleep. The nightmare combined with the note and all the thoughts you had before bed had left you in a permanent state of unease despite having to get ready for work in just a few hours.

With very little sleep, all of the strange things happening and your broken heart, tomorrow was bound to be a bad day as well.

"Mind over matter" you said out loud "it's only going to be as bad as I let it be."

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love-geeky-fangirl · 4 years

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Ranking every Teen Drama I have ever watched

(Updated)

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

+ young Shailene Woodley and Molly Ringwald I guess

- everything else. Even Shailene Woodley's and Molly Ringwald's performances weren't that great because the writing is just oh so bad. The background music is bland and repetative and it sounds like out of some teenager's YouTube chanel. The plotlines are ridiculous and convoluted, which isn't neccessarily such a bad thing, because it is a teen drama show after all, the problem is the show seems to take itself too seriously. Other entries on this list also have ridiculously convoluted plotlines, but I'm ranking them highed because they don't take themselves too seriously and don't claim to be realistic like this show does. Seriously, from the title it suggests like this was going to be a real, uncensored look into high school but it's the furthest thing from it. Not to mention how problematic it is- God forbid someone suggests that a 14-year-old pregnant girl gets an abortion or gives the baby up for adoption without being seen as a terrible and despicable person.

Otp: Marc Molina x a job somewhere far, far away from these kids

Notps: every single pairing on this show

Best moment: literally none

Weirdest moment: "I'm such a whore!" "Well, you're my whore." What were the writers thinking??? Was this supposed to be romantic??

We Children From Zoo Station

+the aesthetic, the casting of Christiane, Detlef and Axel

-this was such a letdown. Honestly I was so hyped for it after seeing the trailer since I've read the book and didn't particularly like the movie- I feel like it's hard to fit all of Christiane's story into 90 minutes. That's why I was so excited about this show. Christiane's story covers so much, so it's easier to make it into a TV show when you don't want to ommit anything and butcher the story. But they somehow managed to do it anyway. They changed so much for no reason and completely erased Christiane's childhood trauma, which was important in the book. Now, I know you can say that it's just a loose adaptation, so it doesn't have to follow the book word for word. But I feel like if you already decided to tell her- a real person's story- you should at least do it authentically. Imo they shouldn't have tried to make the setting vague. It worked with Sex Education because the story of Sex Education is timeless. However, Christiane's story is not timeless. It's a true story set in the 1970s. If they were making a new show from scratch, I would have liked it. But this is an already existing story and they’re supposed to be just retelling it. My last issue is a nit pick but I wish the actresses playing Stella and Babsi were reversed. It just would've fit better.

Otps: all those kids x sobriety

Notp: Christiane x Detlef

Best moment: Christiane's first time in Sound was pretty true to the book

Weirdest moment: when Detlef became a gigolo because he needed money for his dog. Who tf thought of that?

Pretty Little Liars

+ makeup, style, the theme song, the drama and mystery that always kept me guessing, the cliffhangers at the end of each episode that made it so addictive, Emily's coming out story, Hanna and Spencer had some good lines

- the mishandling of some serious issues (namely eating disorders), romantization of student-teacher relationship, the timeline not making much sense, these writers seem to put more thought into the characters' outfits than the storylines

Otps: Emily x Maya, Hanna x Caleb

Notp: Ezria

Best moment: Hanna and Caleb in the shower (the sexual tension was cuttable with a knife)

Weirdest moments: Aria asking Ezra out in the middle of a make-up test (it was supposed to be cute but it was just cringy), Spencer trying to block A's text messages on a laptop, in the middle of a park (what? Spencer, you were supposed to be the smart one!)

One Tree Hill

+ Brooke, the theme song, Chad Michael Murray

- the casual drinking and driving (I mean seriously these kids play a drinking game at a party and then casually hop into a car and drive home??), too much basketball and cheerleading (that's not a bad thing per se but I just don't really care about neither of these things), it just seems too stereotypical and kinda bland?? I couldn't really get into it

Otp: Naley

Notp: Peyton x Nathan

Best moment: Naley by the dock

Weirdest moment: "I guess I'm just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch." It's not really a bad moment but a cringy line. I guess the writers though they were being clever but it just sounded bad.

Dawson's Creek

+ the clothes, the 90s aesthetic, the 90s soundtrack, many movie references, Pacey is a sweetheart, Jen is a feminist icon, dealing with mental health issues through Andie (it's rare to see in shows as old as this)

- the slutshaming of Jen really hasn't aged well, the storyline of Pacey being statury raped by his much older teacher was mishandled (it was either treated as scandalous, cool or in Andie’s case somehow shameful), same goes for Jen’s backstory- it was mentioned she was raped at 12 by an older man and then never brought up again, Dawson is the most unlikable protagonist ever and his friendship/relationship with Joey is codependent and possessive, the dialogue is sometimes pretentious and unrealistic, the timeline doesn't really add up- I can never tell what time of the year it's supposed to be, because it looks like it's always fall for some reason. And how did they sophomore year have two homecomings?

Otps: Pacey x Andie, Pacey x Joey (yes, both at the same time)

Notp: Dawson x Joey

Best moments: Jen helping Joey when that jerk was spreading rumours about her and then Jen and Joey locking Abby in the closet together (I love it when they stick together instead of tearing each other down), Pacey and Joey bickering

Weirdest moments: when Joey was upset because Dawson didn’t want to tell her how often he “walks his dog”, when Jen was about to have a treesome at a party and Dawson walked into the room and carried her out despite her kicking and screaming

Glee

+ funny, Sue Sylvester's iconic, great covers and a way to find new songs, the performances are aesthetically pleasing, lgbtq+ representation, tackling of serious issues, coming out story, a father who’s accepting of his son’s sexuality right away despite not really understanding it (it’s so rare to see, that’s why it’s so refreshing), the plotlines are ridiculous but at least the show doesn't take itself too seriously

-as I already said the 1st season was great but after that it just seemed like the writers made up a checklist of hard issues they should tackle and tried to tackle every single one of them while covering every single song and it just fell flat. Prime example- Quinn ending up in a wheelchair getting into a car crash to warn us from drinking and driving, singing I’m Still Standing and then suddenly being able to walk normally after. a few episodes Rachel and Finn got almost all songs, while other characters were criminally underrated and underused (Tina, Quinn, Mercedes). The teachers are questionable to put it mildly. Cringy moments- Finn singing You're Having My Baby to Quinn in front of her parents when it wasn't even his baby! Also no one except of Kurt looks like they could be in high school. And why are these cheerleaders wearing their uniforms 24/7??

Otps: Brittana, Sam x Quinn, Tina x Artie (unpopular opinion, I know), Mr Schue x unemployment

Notp: Quinn x Finn

Best moments: Quinn giving birth to Bohemian Rhapsody

Weirdest moment: Rachel's gross and painfully awkward crush on Mr Schue, Mr Schue joining the Glee club on the stage for a performance of Toxic and girls in the audience cat calling him (Ewww)

Euphoria

+ Zendaya's and Jacob Elordi's performances, tackling of serious issues such as drug addiction and overdose, anxiety and depression, abusive relationships and abortion in a better manner than most (if not all) teen dramas, the aesthetics, makeup and wardrobe, the musical number in the finale, the special episodes giving us insight into the characters' psychology, toxic relationships not being romanticized (which is sadly rare), teenagers sounding like actual real life teens (no "I reject reality" crap)

- lack of comic relief (why so serious all the time), sexualization of teen characters (I know this is something many teen dramas are guilty of but it's the most evident here), too much nudity (I know some of you are going to come at me with: "But it's realistic!" So what? It is realitic that teenagers get naked when they go into shower but does it mean we have to see it?? It seems to me like this show is trying too hard to be "boundary pushing" at times and ends up being scandalous just for the sake of being scandalous), these characters just aren't believable as high school juniors to me (they sound like high schoolers but they certainly don’t act, look or dress that way). There's no reason this show couldn't have been set in college.

Otps: Rue x sobriety, Nate x prison

Notps: Nate x Maddy, Cassie x McKay

Best moments: "You did this to me!" and the musical number in the season 1 finale

Weirdest moment: the fact that Maddy lost her virginity at 14 to a 40-year-old man being mentioned so casually because apparently she was "totally in control". Excuse me what??

Skins

+ style and makeup- each character has a signature trademark (Sid and his beanie, Effy's eyeliner, Cassie's soft eyeshadow), their British accents, I'm pretty sure this is the only teen drama that follows multiple classes, teenage characters being played by actual teen actors, the characters looking like average people you meet in high school and not as if they just walked off the runway, dealing with serious issues such as drug abuse, eating disorder, parental abandonment etc (yes, some people claim the show romanticized it, but I disagree. It's not the show that romanticized it- it's the fans. The show tried to portray the dangers of drugs as well as possible. Think about it- every time characters used drugs it ended in a disaster. In the pilot they thought that Cassie overdosed and ended up crashing a car while rushing into the hospital. In later season Effy hit her friend in the head with a rock because she was having a bad trip. That's not romanticizing drugs.), Effy is iconic and honestly the first episode was enough to get me hooked

- every single teacher being a creep and having a thing for a student at some point, the show can get too dark and unncessarily dramatic at times. Did that many people have to die? Did Chris's death really have to be this graphic? Timeline doesn't really add up- are 8 episodes supposed to cover the whole year? It would've made more sense if there were more episodes in a season.

Otps: Chris x Jal, Emily x Naomi

Notps: Sid x Michelle

Best moment: ooh baby it's a wild world

Weirdest moment: Chris's graphic death

The OC

+ more grounded in reality than many others on this list, the theme song, the love stories, Seth and Summer are funny, the friendships are believable and the whole group has great chemistry

- too many unneccessary fights, Luke is the worst, everyone is way too casual about drunk driving, these parents are WAAAY too chill (I know this can be said about many teen dramas but it's the most obvious here. How did the Roberts and the Coopers let two 16-year-old girls go to Mexico alone?? With no supervision?? What?)

Otps: Seth x Summer, Ryan x Marissa

Notp: Luke x Marissa

Best moments: the “oh no, there’s only one bed” in the Mexico episode, Seth and Summer's first kiss and that kiss at the yacht, Ryan and Marissa's first date by the pool

Weirdest moment: these parents letting their teenage kids go to Mexico alone. It's irresponsible when they're 16 but apparently they let them go there and party every year. What?

Gossip Girl

+ every episode having a clever title, the style, the makeup, the 00s soundtrack, the glamour of it all (it feels like reading a very gossipy magazine!), all the scandals, this show never pretends to portray the realitic teenage experience so it can pretty much be as far-fetched as it wants to and you can’t question it, it gives you a chance to live the fantasy of being super rich, living with a penthouse, riding a limo to school and going to parties in New York City every night

- the final reveal doesn't make any sense, just like with PLL these writers seemed to have put more thought into the outfits and makeup than into the plotlines, romantization of a toxic relationship, having every two straight characters date or hook up at some point, which just felt forced, mishandling of serious issues (Blair's eating disorder, Eric's suicide attempt and Serena and Jenny's sexual assault from the pilot being brought up when it's convenient but not really dealt with and brushed off at other times), sexualization of teen characters

Otps: Dan x Blair, Serena x Nate

Notps: Chuck x Blair

Best moments: the Thanksgiving flashbacks, Blair and Serena running around New York and taking selfies in stolen dresses, Nate and Serena’s first time (although it was better in the books) and then their kiss at the white party, the sheer scandal of "I killed someone", Dan giving Blair a plastic tiara to make her feel like a princess

Weirdest moments: Chuck's father returning from the death and then dying again, by yeeting himself off the roof

Freaks and Geeks

+ probably the most realistic teen drama there is, the characters dress the way I can see actual teens dressing, funny, but also heatbreaking at times, probably the only teen show that included an intersex character, the characters being a little stereotypical but self-aware at least, young James Franco and Jason Segel

- the bullying being a bit too much at times and it's a bit unrealistic that the teachers would do literally nothing about it, too short- I will never understand why this got cancelled

Otps: Daniel x Kim, Lindsay x Nick, Amy x Ken

Notps: Sam x Cindy

Best moments: Sam breaking down at the end of Garage Door, Daniel and Kim getting back together in the rain

Weirdest moment: Cindy doing a 180 and becoming super mean when she started dating Sam.

Gilmore Girls

+ so many movie, literary and music references, the quotable lines (what a great way to learn about new movies, books and bands! It’s so unique for a TV show to make you smarter), the witty banter, the comfort of the first few seasons (it really feels like wrapping a warm blanket around yourself while holding a hot cup of coffee, I can’t explain why, but it’s such a comfort show), the quirky small town with many unique festivals, many entertaining and snappy fights where everyone has a point, characters dealing with real world problems (seriously, how often do you see a storyline about termites? Or a teenager with zit cream on a teen drama show?), this is also one of the few shows where teenagers are shown to have rules and restrictions and curfews (finally some kids growing up with strict parents representation) and doing homework and studying and not just partying and drinking and having sex all the time and that’s so refreshing

- but while it is refreshing to see teenagers waiting to have sex and not doing it behind every corner, the show is kind of sex negative. Every single time a (female) character loses her virginity it ends in a disaster. Even when she loses it after she’s married! It doesn’t make any sense, unless the writers just really hated women. Also slutshaming (”I got the good kid!”) ewww. The money and budget doesn’t make much sense on the show either and the girls seem immune to calories. I know some people might come at me for this with: “But it’s just a show!” but I think it’s harmful to show beautiful, thin women eat nothing but tons of junkfood all the time and never excersize and then fatshame people who do excersize but aren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with amazing Gilmore genes, and then throw around tactless references to eating disorders.

Otps: Lane x Dave, Jess x Rory

Notps: Lane x Zach, Rory x Dean, Lorelai x Christopher

Best moments: Then She Appeared, Rory’s valedictorian speech, Lorelai’s graduation

Weirdest moment: Lorelai and Christopher getting married in Paris at 4am. That’s not how it works in Europe. Do Americans think every single Europian country works like Las Vegas, where you can just get married whenever you decide??

#teen dramas #these are just my opinions #so don't take it personally #u might disagree #but idrc

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nikibogwater · 4 years

Text

A Shot in the Dark: Chapter One (Author’s Commentary)

(read the fic here)

General Notes:

(So I kind of stole this idea from my friend @unexpected-possibilities after she made an author’s commentary post on one of her fics, and I was like “Oh. Wait, I actually find this kind of stuff SUPER interesting to read." So...yeah, here’s mine for anybody who feels similarly lol)

I have been dying to write this kind of story pretty much since the completion of my second Wizards/ToA fic back in August, but it took me a while to suss out the plot. I generally try to keep my fics as canon-friendly as possible (not that I have anything against AUs, that’s just not a direction that I usually go in) so it was tricky to create a high-stakes adventure story that didn’t mess with canon too much.

That being said, Chapter 1 is pretty chill, apart from the scene at the end. But it is incredibly important to the plot, because it sets up elements that will be very relevant later in the story. It also serves to re-establish the three-way relationship between Douxie, Archie, and Nari, which will give their interactions in the future chapters more weight.

One last general note before we get to the passage-specific stuff: The song “Protector” by City Wolf has always been my go-to theme for the Douxie-Archie-Nari relationship, but I think it really captures the feel of this story in particular (or at least, it will once the whole thing is posted lol). I’ve never associated a particular song with any of my other fics before, but this one really was a huge part of what inspired this story, so I highly recommend that you give it a listen, if you are so inclined.

Passage-Specific Notes:

Two pairs of luminous golden eyes were hovering uncomfortably close to his head and staring at him fixedly. Douxie yelped and threw off his covers, scrambling upright and fumbling for his magic vambrace nearby. A small green hand held it out to him politely, and after a bit of confused blinking, Douxie finally registered the faces of his companions. Nari and Archie were sitting on the floor next to his mattress, looking at him eagerly.

Two short things: One: I had no idea how I was going to start this scene, and then I remembered that one Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin wakes up to find Hobbes hovering over him menacingly, and I was like “Yes, that will do nicely.” Two: I still have no idea what Douxie’s magic bracelet-thingy should technically be called, so I settled on vambrace. I know Merlin refers to it as a bracelet in the show, but Merl, I’m sorry, but you clearly know nothing about jewelry. That thing is NOT a simple bracelet. (Also I had to research the difference between bracers and vambraces in order to determine which word to use. Bracers are apparently protective gear that is exclusive to archery, while vambrace is a more general word for any kind of armor worn on the forearm).

“It’s also the day you promised to bring Nari to Central Park,” Archie informed him.

This is a callback to a previous entry in the series, Home Away From Home. Although each entry in the Immortal Bonds series is written in such a way that it can be enjoyed as a standalone, I do weave tiny threads of continuity throughout all of them.

Mornings for Nari looked very different than they used to, she realized as she set the kettle on the stove, stepping back so Archie could light it (due to her somewhat complicated relationship with Bellroc, she was still wary about anything that involved fire). As a demigoddess who had existed for hundreds of millenia, she had never had much experience with something as human as family domesticity.

The scene where Nari and Archie make Douxie’s tea was originally going to be much longer and feature a lot more introspection on Nari’s part (I even researched the British tea-making process for it, since I’m fairly certain Douxie is the one who taught her how to make tea). I was going to start exploring the idea that Nari is still insecure about her place in this little found family, but I realized after about three paragraphs that there’s no way Nari doesn’t know how much Douxie genuinely loves her--she is already proficient in reading his emotions at this point. So that’s an internal conflict for another day.

“Keep very still for me, Nari.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his aura flowing out and wrapping around her like a warm, familiar cloak. “Celare,” he murmured, and Nari felt a sharp tug on her spirit as the spell washed over it, cool and comforting like the shade of an old tree.

If you’ve read previous entries in this series, you know that I can wax poetic about the physical sensations of magic for DAYS. It is one of my favorite aspects of writing Tales of Arcadia fanfiction. Also Celare (kel-ahr-ay) is Latin for “Hide” or “Conceal.” I had to get outside help for this because I don’t speak Latin, and Google Translate is (as I found out) completely unreliable for even the simplest, single-word translations (it gave me the word for “clothe” when I used it 😑)

The first time she had walked the streets of New York City, Nari had been on the verge of tears. There were so many sensations assaulting her mind at once, the feeling of countless souls buzzing around, a crowd of spirits so thick that sometimes it felt like a wall. Even without tapping into her roots, she was drowning in a sea of tangling energies, as hundreds, even thousands of voices echoed in her soul all at once.

Oooooops, is that a parallel for Sensory Processing Disorder? Well, how did that get in there??? *shoves my own mental health issues under a rug with my foot* I have no clue.

This is probably as good a time as any to discuss auras vs. life energy. Basically, aura is the energy radiated by the presence of magic. Magical creatures who share close bonds can become very sensitive to one another’s aura, and because magic is so inextricably linked to emotion, Nari is able to read Douxie’s aura to pick up on whatever he’s feeling (though this is because she is extra sensitive to magical presence--Douxie is attuned to her aura, but he can’t read hers the way she can his). Life energy, meanwhile, is the energy given off by every living soul, magic or otherwise, and that’s what Nari is able to sense via her powers as a demigoddess. I sometimes interchange the word aura with spirit or soul or something similar, but if Douxie or Nari are sensing one another in any capacity apart from their actual physical senses, it’s their auras. Archie also has an aura, but it’s not as intense as that of a true magic-wielder.

He was fashionably dressed, (“business casual,” the humans called it), with an elegant black trench coat hanging nonchalantly off of his arm. He had dark brown hair, handsomely trimmed and styled, just a bit shorter than Douxie’s, and was wearing a large pair of expensive-looking sunglasses. He looked thoroughly uninterested in the world around him, and had the appearance of someone who was waiting to meet up with a particularly tardy acquaintance. But Nari couldn’t sense that he was waiting. She couldn’t sense anything from this man. He emitted no life force, no aura or energy of any kind. He was like a standing, breathing corpse.

I have had this character floating around in the back of my mind since August, and I was just waiting for the opportunity to use him. Also fun fact, he was originally conceived as a sort of prototype for who I thought Mordred Le Fey would be in the ToA universe. But since canon is technically still ongoing and the ToA writers could still bring Mordred into the picture, I decided to adapt him into the original character Rivan (whose name will be properly revealed in the next chapter).

Beside her, Douxie’s aura was rippling with unease. But a moment later, his spirit stilled, and he put an arm around her to turn her away from the alley...

...A minute later, the crosswalk signal changed once more, and they continued on their way. Though Douxie’s spirit was radiating a placid energy, Nari couldn’t help noticing that he kept his arm around her for the rest of the journey.

It was important to me that Douxie not look like a complete idiot in this scene, which was a little difficult since this part isn’t told from his perspective. Homeboy absolutely knows better than to ignore something suspicious like this. But he is also acting as Nari’s brother/guardian in this scene, so he tries to play it off to keep her from worrying too much. He promised her a fun day in Central Park, and he’s not willing to bail on that just yet. But I’m hoping that the fact that he has to force his aura into a state of calm and physically holds Nari close to him as they walk are good indicators that he has gone on high alert.

And that’s a wrap for this week! Next Friday, all hell is gonna break loose, so definitely come back for that. If you have any questions/comments, definitely hit me up either in my Ask Box or over on Ao3. As always, thanks for reading! ✨💕

#fanfiction #writing #author's commentary #tales of arcadia #douxie #nari #a shot in the dark #the magical siblings #and their therapy cat

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winterironspiderling · 4 years

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Sorry if you’ve answered something like this before but, do you have any tips of writing slow burn, and just writing in general? Lol thank you and love your work!

No worries! I’m always down to talk about writing. Thank you for your kind words. :)

To write a slow burn, you will want to start with the main pairing as strangers, acquaintances, or even enemies. You could also start them as friends, but if you begin with the two having a close relationship already, it would be hard to draw that out because friends to lovers basically only adds kissing and physical intimacy, but if you start from the very beginning/first meeting you have more time to develop the relationship, which will take more words, and make the burn slower.

No matter what level of relationship you start the pairing at, there has to be a reason why they can’t be together yet because if you start with no obstacle, it will be hard to justify why they aren’t together. Obstacles could be the characters are in other relationships, one or both might have just gotten out of a bad/abusive relationship, they’re in a bad place mentally/physically, and distance or other characters are keeping them apart. This also gives you something to overcome not just in the relationship, but for the individual characters and their journey, and it adds depth to the plot. And the richer the plot, the more you can draw it out and slow down the burn!

To make the slow burn enjoyable instead of annoying or frustrating, try not to make overcoming the relationship obstacles or individual challenges “too easy” for the characters. They should have near misses and setbacks, or it won’t feel satisfying or intriguing when they finally get together, or oppositely, if it’s too hard and drawn out, and there’s one shitty event after the other, it will feel like okay!!! enough already!!! So try to space out good and bad events and keep it balanced. :)

Know when to time skip and when to accept that you just need to write an entire scene. Time skipping can rush character development and make the ending feel unearned, but writing every detail of the characters’ lives can get boring to read. When you need some exposition or world building and not just fun plot or explicit scenes try to use the seemingly mundane interactions to your advantage to further the plot, introduce characters, build character(s), build relationships, foreshadow, or make fun references to canon.

For an example of all of the above points, in my story Disorder, Tony and Peter have their first meeting, and what’s holding them back from being together is Peter’s age and his poor mental health and self-image. He has a lot of good moments and bad moments, and doesn’t just lose weight and gain confidence over night. I take Tony and Peter throughout a working relationship, then a friendship, and then the buildup of an intimate relationship, and when I’m not outlining every personal training session between the two, I’m building their relationships and friendships with other people and giving both of them a chance to interact in other spaces besides the gym. So Peter will be at school with Ned and MJ showing his sense of humour, interacting with Flash, and maybe mentioning the upcoming Decathlon ten chapters later, so that when I bring it up later, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. Then I might skip a week to the next lesson with Tony because if you’re reading a Starker story, obviously you want most of the interactions to be Tony/Peter. :)

Adding in more people than the main pairing makes for a well-rounded story because other characters exist and help make the main pairing who they are. (For Peter, I like Ned, MJ, May, Flash, and Mr. Delmar, and for Tony, I like Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Jarvis, and Nebula. Bucky is just a necessity for every story, also. ;) ) Making the side characters funny or interesting, or inserting running jokes about them will make the parts with those people more enjoyable to read, even if the pairing isn’t featured.

Short chapter length or transitional chapters are necessary, but can be tedious because you don’t want to have an info dump, but you don’t want to go through the pain of writing an entire interaction and scene just for the sake of increasing word count, so accepting that not every chapter is going to be the Best Chapter is important. If you need to get information across about the backstory, or exposition, you can have it expressed through dialogue, or do a little bit of info dumping at a time and try to weave it into other things, so it’s not huge chunks of info that can be boring or confusing.

Add a little bit of your own personality to the writing too. I’m not really a poetic writer, and I prefer to write snappy dialogue and let character dynamics do the work, but some people can talk about the flowering trees and the winding roads of the countryside. I don’t know anything about that lol, so when I try to write it, I feel silly and then the scene suffers because I’m not saying anything I actually care about. So write the style that feels most natural to you and it won’t be boring because you’ll be able to feel your energy in the story, and writers are what bring a lot of the emotion to the fan fiction. Every reader likes something different, so write for your own tastes and the people who like your style will stick around.

There’s a time and place for surprises or complications, but the type that you put into the story should be consistent with the expectations you and the readers have—whether you’ve stated these by your tags or the plot summary. Example, a coffee shop AU doesn’t turn into a sex worker AU, or soft, domestic Tony doesn’t turn into a dark stalker. Those are valid occurrences, but they’re so different that it’s not a fun twist for readers…it’s legitimately not what they signed up for. A surprise in Disorder that works is when you find out Tony’s own personal struggles during his POV with Rhodey. It adds depth to his character and another layer to his dynamic with Peter, but it isn’t shocking or contrary to what I’ve already written.

For most of Disorder, Tony and Peter each don’t think the other would be interested, or if they were, “not right now” or “not because of the age difference” etc... and I kept having them almost connect/admit it, but then I’d hold back. Knowing when and how I wanted them to get together from the very beginning helped with the slow burn as well because I had to think of how to get them from point A to B. I knew I wanted Peter to be at good place mentally, but not perfect, and I wanted May to be more accepting of the relationship, so it became a game of filling in the blanks instead of just starting a story with no end in sight, and then it feels difficult to give it direction.

Creating outlines and templates for a story helps me. Like a table that outlines which characters are featured in a chapter, and any major plot points, and just general info.This way when you go to write future chapters or edit, you don’t have to reread everything, and when it’s all laid out in front of you, it can be easier to be like, “Oh, this just happened in Chapter 1, so I don’t want another crazy event to happen in Chapter 5 because I want the energy of the story to be evenly spaced.”

Edit not just for grammar but for subtle mistakes like repeating a lot of the same phrases and words. I tend to overuse “just” and start a lot of sentences with, “well”, so I have to be careful of that. Also for continuity like if Peter is sitting down in one paragraph, and then you say he sat down in the next paragraph even though he’s already sitting...

Decide how you want your story to be regarding realism, whether it’s in the context of an AU or a canon-compliant story. Maybe you don’t care about being realistic to our universe, and maybe you want to write something completely off the wall. There should be some sort of structure and consistency with the characters so that the reader feels stable and like they can trust where you’re going. Even if you want to write a master/slave AU where Tony keeps Peter on a leash, or something like a body swap, there’s still things that you can do to keep it realistic in the context of that story. Like if Tony was portrayed as a very loyal and possessive master, he’s not going to be sharing Peter with someone later in the story, unless you’ve decided that him getting over that is necessary to the plot, and sufficient character building shows him slowly becoming more open. Or in a body swap, if Peter and Tony switch, they’re not going to immediately go and put each other at risk or use their bodies to betray one another.

So I don’t know what you’re writing, but no matter what, try creating mystery by leaving things unsaid/undiscovered, or raising questions within the plot for readers to find out later. You don’t have to give up everything right away! (I know it’s hard not to spill the beans, but it lets people figure things out on their own or wonder if you’ll mention it again.) (Make sure you remember if you’re doing this so you don’t accidentally create a plot hole.) An example of this in Disorder is raising the topic of will Peter go to college, or not. Eventually he decides. Another is why Tony doesn’t like to give cards in his gifts, and then eventually he gives one to Peter, and it makes it really special. <3

I hope this helps!

#ask #writing advice #disorder

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darawonplease · 4 years

Text

✵ polaris. ch.2 - changes.

Necessary warning.

This fic Is loosely inspired by “So Beautiful” and “5STAR”.

I’m in no way trying to romanticize mental illness. DID is a serious matter and this is just the exploration of the concept treated in the m/v in a fictional way (like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) and in no way an accurate depiction of this disorder. If this makes you uncomfortable, please don’t go further.

a.n. I’ll use all different names for the characters (real name/English name/nickname/stage name), it might get confusing so-

For reference: Barom / Rom / Christian / Ian ✵ Chaerin / Chae / Rin / CL ✵ Dabin / Live ✵ Scott / Rem

✵ ch.2 – changes.

「 ☽ Ian's POV」

“Promise me you know how to ride this thing”.

Chae approached me with uncertain steps.

“Just trust me”. I threw her way the extra helmet I kept in the saddlebag.

She hopped onto my motorcycle and immediately wrapped her hands around me.

“Chaerin? Are you scared by any chance?

I chuckled at her. No matter how fierce her celebrity image was, deep down she was a soft, scaredy-cat.

“I-Ian! Don’t make fun of me, ok? It’s just that I have never done this before”.

“What? You’ve never ridden a motorcycle?”.

She slowly grasped my shirt.

“Never…”.

“There’s always a first time so brace yourself miss”.

I suddenly pushed my foot on the accelerator.

“IAN!”.

Seoul city opened before our eyes, the bright neon and LEDs becoming flashes of color in the distance.

A rush of adrenaline kicked in my bloodstreams; riding my much-loved motorcycle was a way to escape – although shortly – from all my troubles.

She rested her head on my back, gently.

“You alright?!”. I shouted in the shy hope she’d hear my voice in the roaring of the vehicle.

Chae remained silent, only holding me closer to her.

I didn’t hesitate a second and took the road that brought us back to DPR’s studio and parked the motorcycle under the building.

“Oi… I didn’t wanna force you to do this, I’m sorry”. I hopped off after her.

Chae removed the black helmet and shook her head, making the silky silver hair fall over her shoulders.

“That was rad, let’s do it again sometime”.

She flashed her best smile at me, leaving my poor self completely smitten by her excitement.

“Oh, you guys went for a ride?”.

I turned around; Dabin was leaning beside the entrance door with both hands in his black hoodie front pocket, the brooding aura he emanated was quite unlike him.

“Yeah…”. I scratched the back of my head; the hint of tension in the atmosphere stiffened me.

“Man, take me with you next time!”. He cackled – his eyes disappearing in two small half-moons as he patted my back repeatedly. Dabin’s sudden mood switch took me so aback that I froze in place with a confused smile on my lips.

“You two are such lovebirds”. Chae wrapped her hands around both of us, embracing all three in a warm group hug.

“Yeah, my Ian-nie Hyung, come kiss me”.

“Oh, come here Dabin-i”.

“Get a room”. Chae rolled her eyes jokingly.

✵

“Ian”. Scott called for my attention, waving the pen he furiously kept clicking during the call.

“Huh?”.

“You spazzed out”.

“I’m just tired. What’s up?”. I ran my hand through my hair to fix the long lock hanging in front of my eyes.

“Their producer just told me on the phone…”, he heaved a long sigh, “they decided to cancel the shooting”.

“This too?”.

“Apparently”. Scott drowned his face in his palm in resignation.

“How the fuck are we going to fund our projects if we keep going like this?”.

“Christian”, he moved closer to me with the swivel chair and rest his hand on my shoulder to, hopefully, reassure me. “I’ll find some other gig to keep us afloat”.

“This WAS the gig we needed to keep us afloat”. I stood up from my seat, abruptly pushing away his hand away from me.

Dabin barged into the recording room, “Did you guys hear the news? The producer just canceled the project”.

“We ALREADY fucking know, Dabin”. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“What’s with this attitude man?”.

Scott glared at him and shook his head, silently begging him to refrain from responding anymore.

I reached for the leather jacket still plopped onto the chair and headed towards the exit door.

Dabin narrowed his eyes, “Where are you going?”.

“Home”.

“What?”.

Scott grabbed Dabin by his shoulder to stop him from coming after me, but I had already slammed the door before I could see his reaction.

“What the hell is wrong with him?”.

“He’s been like that all day, just leave him be”.

Their voices followed me through the hallways as I made my way out of the building.

✵

I gripped the handlebar some more, fighting the increasing tingling spreading in my palms and that slowly rode up my arms. I gripped it strong enough to make the last turn before stopping the motorcycle on a moist green patch at the side of the road, leading to the province. I sat beside the vehicle; the stars were roof for my tired body. The chilly night stung my skin with frozen needles.

I reached for air with my trembling hands, trying to grasp something that wasn’t there.

where are you…?

why is everything I built going to shit?

The huge weight on my chest became heavier and heavier as if it wanted to drag my body underground and through hell. I knocked three times on my chest but the ache wouldn’t stop.

why am I so powerless?

Why do I feel like drifting away?

A faint buzzing sound filled my ears in an instant becoming an agonizing strident noise in seconds.

✵

tic

The constant dripping of freezing water droplets woke me up from what felt like an endless slumber. My body immediately started to tremble as a result of my clothes being drenched wet.

The light made my eyes retire in darkness, I slowly tried to open them again to get used to the faint white glow.

It took me a minute to realize I was sitting against the glass wall of the shower. The water kept falling on my shoulder, drop by drop, relentlessly. Just like every little piece of bad news, every insignificant obstacle, every bad feeling I bottled had just exploded, drowning me. Drop by drop.

I crawled out of the shower, begging my legs to sustain my bloody self. I pressed my hand against the glass wall for support as I tried to finally stand up when a glimpse of crimson red made me immediately turn my head: my knuckles were bruised and sore.

“Who are you? I can’t even recognize you anymore”.

A strained voice echoed in my head as fuzzy images flashed before my eyes, chaotic, unrelated, tangled. I squeezed my eyes, mentally rewinding the events of yesterday evening but finding nothing.

I shook my head and proceeded to crawl out of the bathroom, leaving a wet path behind me like a snail.

I turned towards the living room, a song I didn’t know was playing louder and louder as I stepped towards the couch, where my laptop was.

“What’s this?”. I looked at the file’s name.

「 imalwaysnear.m4a」

“What the hell?”. The sound of my voice suddenly appeared on the aggressive track, rough and strained. It sounded like me but it also felt like someone else’s.

“When did I record this?”. I mumbled, clicking on the file details to uncover the mystery.

“How come…”.

I squinted my eyes.

「 Created: Tuesday, October 27, 2020, 4:44AM 」

“It must’ve been…me? Yesterday night?”.

I quickly patted the coffee table to find my phone amidst all the mess, its brightness instantly blinding me.

It was already noon, I had received several audio messages from Scott; He was probably mad at me for disappearing so out of the blue the other day.

I gathered the courage to get scolded and played all of them as I made my way towards the bedroom. I placed the phone on the nightstand and listen half-heartedly to Scott’s voice while I searched for a fresh new outfit.

“Ian… I don’t know how to say this. I know it’s been a rough couple of months for us… for you. But what happened yesterday with Dabin was truly alarming. I never made you a violent person. You know I love you man…whatever happens. Just know we’re here for you if you need to talk it out. I hope you’ll apologize to him when you’ll feel ready. He’s okay by the way, just a couple of bruises. Just call me when you feel like it”.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed a cut crossing through the bridge of my nose bridge and bruised cheek.

previous chapter. ✵ next chapter. ✵ masterlist

#clian #clianau #CL #IAN #dprian #polaris #fanfiction #chaerian

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smolcoffeelover · 4 years

Text

Hi everyone just got outta the psych unit will start food logs again :) missed tumblr and our cute community

But basically everyday I was there I had:

Breakfast

• van Greek yogurt, honey, blueberries, 1/3 banana

Lunch

• tomato soup, small salad

Dinner

• 1/3 a chicken breast, small salad, and some of whatever vegetable they had on the menu

-somehow got away with flushing every ensure down the toilet: not that I promote that Ensure makes me vomit and the nutritionist there didn’t believe me when I asked to switch to a different supplement and the doctor wouldn’t give me anti nausea medicine before meals.

While I was there I got dizzy (history of seizures and vertigo) and the nurses made fun of me and said “well she has an eating disorder what does she expect” and didn’t come help me. We also had a group on exercise and the nurse who knew I was the with an eating disorder screamed that we need to burn calories, earn our food, and we should see how many calories we’re all consuming and how patients always leave fatter than they came in. Safe to say I was triggered like crazy. She also told me to “just eat and learn balance” as I was having a panic attack. She also told the group we’re all choosing to play the victims and we’re lucky we’re only in the psych unit cus there are actual sick people in the hospital. Another nurse referred to the unit as the “nut house”. Oh and my social worker forgot to call my outpatient therapist and that held my discharge and I had to stay there an extra 4 days. Quality of care for mental illness is just not where it should be. Like if you don’t want to was on a psych floor do not work on one. Also another patient grabbed me and kept touching me and when I reported to my nurse he only said “well you’re a pretty young girl and he’s a young man”. But luckily the art therapist and the other nurses and patients there were amazing. And I got so lucky with my roommate. Overall beside those few thing really not as bad as I thought it would be and I love art therapy so going to try to keep that up outpatient. I refuse to be one of the revolving door patients.

#ana thoughts #anarexiz #annorexxa #food diary #anamia #mental illness #just ed things

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vexedtonightmares · 5 years

Text

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter quinze

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x. xi. xii. xiii. xiv. xv.

ao3

**tw: brief mentions of eating disorder, ocd, ptsd, anxiety, references to past sexual abuse, brief allusion to past suicidal ideation**

Samedi 11:24

“You’re cute.”

Lucas scrunched his nose up, shaking his head from where he was laying in bed, facing Eliott. When Eliott lifted his head to readjust the way he was lying down Lucas saw pillow creases on the side of his cheek, and it was adorable.

“You are. You’re so cute,” Eliott repeated, tapping Lucas on the nose. In all honesty, Lucas knew he was cute, objectively, but he’d keep refusing if it meant Eliott kept telling him so.

He grabbed one of Eliott’s hands and stretched their joined palms up to the ceiling before flopping them back down between the two of them, tracing small circles on the palm of Eliott’s hand. “I’m not,” he lied.

“You are.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, you should.”

“Hmmm…”

“Hmmm…” Eliott mimicked, screwing his face up in a way Lucas figured was supposed to match what Lucas had done prior.

Lucas laughed, ducking his head down. “Stop. Now you’re cute.”

“I wasn’t before?” Eliott gasped in faux offense. Lucas merely raised one eyebrow, looking away pointedly. Eliott gasped again, this time in indignation. “Rude!”

Before Lucas could do or say anything else, Eliott unwrapped his hand from Lucas’ and used it to pull him closer. It was nice until Eliott started to tickle him. Lucas cursed his past self for admitting how ticklish he was, because now Eliott could use that to his advantage.

“Eli! Eli! Stop ah—” Lucas laughed, breaths coming in short gasps as he tried and failed to squirm away. The light in Eliott’s eyes was almost blinding it burned so bright. Lucas knew it was a foolish wish, but he wished it could stay like that forever. Anytime Eliott had a smile on his face, Lucas felt like all was right in the world.

Eliott stopped tickling him abruptly and it was only then that Lucas realized they’d rolled so Eliott was hovering over him, pillow creases still apparent on his face and the sun streaming through the window framing him in a golden halo. Lucas’ heart stopped briefly when he realized that this was possibly the most beautiful Eliott had ever looked.

He lifted a hand and placed it on Eliott’s chest, fingers tracing idly over the ink tattooed there. “I’ve never asked, when did you get this?”

Eliott looked down at his own chest, as if he’d forgotten there was anything there. He paused before speaking. “Over the summer,” he said at last.

“Why?” Lucas asked, curious. He’d never really taken Eliott for a tattoo person, but he had to admit it did turn him on a little bit.

Eliott dropped his eyes, biting his lip nervously. “Um, I’d just gotten out of a really bad depression. An episode, I guess, is what it was. It was one I didn’t think I’d get out of…” he trailed off, and Lucas understood what he was saying without saying. The pain that exploded from his heart was unmatched, but he said nothing, waiting for Eliott to continue.

“But I did get out of it, mainly thanks to Idriss and Sofiane, and I got this as a reminder that life was worth it, I guess,” he finished, shrugging to the best of his ability, given his position propped up over Lucas.

“I think it’s beautiful,” Lucas said earnestly, “I think you’re beautiful.”

He was, he was so beautiful. And instead of denying it, Eliott simply closed the space between them, pressing a gentle but deeply intentioned kiss to Lucas’ lips. It wasn’t like they hadn’t kissed in a long time or anything, but the kiss sent every ounce of dopamine in Lucas’ brain rushing into his body.

“I’m so in love with you, you have no idea,” Lucas said breathlessly as they broke apart, running his fingers through Eliott’s hair. He felt such a love for Eliott that he couldn’t even put it into words. “You’ve ruined me, you know. You’ve made all my expectations for love way too high. You can never leave me, I don’t know how I’d manage.”

He said it like he was joking, but it was the truth. He’d found so much in Eliott that he didn’t even know existed, so much of himself and so much of the world. It was unthinkable that he’d ever lose it, but there was always that fear.

“I could never,” Eliott said seriously, brushing their noses together, “The person I am when I’m not with you is someone I never want to be again. I told you once but I’ll continue to tell you a million times: you’re it for me Lucas Lallemant. In this universe and in all the others you’ve dreamed up in your mind. They haven’t created a word big enough to express how much I love you.”

Lucas stroked down Eliott’s cheekbone, willing himself to not go all in so fast. Somehow the words Eliott had spoken were real, and Lucas could tell how much he meant them. It seemed crazy that he could be so happy when just a few days ago his world had tipped entirely on its axis, but somehow, he could be. And he wasn’t going to waste a moment of that happiness.

It was unclear which one of them dove back in for a kiss, or maybe they met halfway, but the only important thing was that they were kissing again. They were kissing, they were kissing, and Lucas was floating, was floating, and the light making its way through the window was working its way into Lucas’ heart and soul, heart and soul.

Lucas gripped Eliott tighter by the back of his neck, and Eliott pressed down further, connecting their bodies deeper and closer. Each kiss was like a song, one Lucas didn’t know the lyrics to yet, but he knew it would be one of his favorites once he did.

“Hey, Luc— WHAT THE FUCK—”

Eliott and Lucas broke apart in the blink of an eye, Lucas shoving Eliott off of him and almost off the bed so fast neither of them were really able to register it. Lucas blinked at the door, doing his best to look innocent, and probably doing a terrible job.

Yann stood in the doorway, mouth agape, eyebrows creased like he was trying to solve some sort of math equation that just didn’t add up. Lucas had sworn they’d locked the door to their suite… but no, he remembered, Eliott had gone out early in the morning to get them croissants from the bakery down the street to celebrate not getting kicked out. He probably hadn’t thought to lock the door when he got back, and Lucas had no reason to lock the door to his bedroom, or even close it for that matter.

“I can explain,” Lucas said, filling the tense, silent space in the air.

“You’d better,” Yann agreed incredulously, finally looking Lucas in the eye.

Eliott looked a bit like he was trying to shrink himself in size or hide under the covers, maybe both, and it was so cute it took all of Lucas’ restraint to not reach over and kiss him.

“Sooo…” he began, “I’m dating Eliott.”

Yann looked at him like yeah, no shit, which, fair. “How long has this been a thing?”

“Um… since that one party,” Lucas responded vaguely, not exactly wanting to reveal how long it had actually been. Unluckily for him, Yann knew exactly when he was talking about, given that it was the last party all of them had been at together.

“The one Alexia invited us to.” It wasn’t a question, but Lucas nodded anyway. Yann closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “What the fuck,” he repeated, which was appropriate.

“We just wanted to keep it a secret until the show was over, we didn’t want to cause any drama,” Lucas explained. He didn’t want Yann to feel bad or feel like Lucas thought he couldn’t trust him. He hadn’t even told Manon. Yes, Imane knew, but that was mostly because she happened to be there when he was having a mental breakdown.

Yann opened his eyes, dropping his hand. “Yet you did anyway,” he said with a frown.

That was also, unfortunately, true. When he really thought about it, it was a wonder no one else had put the pieces together, given what he and Eliott had both gone through over the past couple of weeks. Lucas shrugged, looking down to realize that from Yann’s perspective it probably looked like he was naked. He cringed slightly to himself, then looked over at Eliott.

“Can you, um, give us a minute?” Lucas asked softly, urgency in his eyes. Eliott thankfully understood right away and he nodded, plucking one of Lucas’ hoodies from the floor and throwing it on, even though it was a bit small. Thank god he was already wearing sweatpants.

The terse silence stayed latent in the air as Eliott, head down, skirted his way around Yann and closed the door behind him. Lucas almost laughed to himself as he heard Eliott’s footsteps break into a soft jog when he left the room.

“Can you—” Lucas began to ask, and Yann caught his drift, grabbing another discarded hoodie and tossing it to where Lucas was still partially hidden under the covers. He just had his boxers on, and he definitely did not need Yann to know that.

Yann sat on the edge of the bed, weariness in his eyes. “He’s not… making you do anything, right?”

“Oh, god, Yann, no! Of course not!” Lucas exclaimed immediately, not even knowing why Yann’s mind went there in the first place.

Yann raised his hands in surrender, widening his eyes. “I just had to make sure dude, I don’t know! You’re the one who’s been talking about how Eliott is the spawn of satan for like five years!”

“I don’t think I ever called him the spawn of satan,” Lucas argued back, which was probably the most unnecessary addition to the conversation.

“You know what I mean.” Lucas did know what he meant. It just made him feel so guilty to think about these days, even when Eliott had reassured him time and time again that there was no hard feelings. They’d both gone through a lot over the years they’d been apart emotionally, and they couldn’t blame each other for the things that had been said and done when it mostly just led to blaming themselves.

“We’ve… worked through it,” Lucas explained, figuring that was the best way to put it.

“All of it?” Yann asked, and Lucas nodded. He knew why Yann was so concerned, and he really did appreciate it. Not many people cared for him like that.

He couldn’t really look at Yann at the moment, so he laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. “He makes me feel so whole, Yann. I didn’t know I could ever feel like this.”

Yann settled down beside him in the spot Eliott just vacated, joining him in gazing at the ceiling. “I believe that’s what our ancestors called ‘love’.”

Lucas nudged him gently, laughing to himself. “I’m aware of that, idiot. I’m so fucking in love.”

“Don’t punch me, but I honestly never thought I’d hear you say that,” Yann said, and Lucas finally turned to look at him.

“Really?”

Yann nodded. “I guess I just didn’t know if you’d ever love yourself enough to let someone else love you, or to realize you deserve that love. I hoped, sure, but I knew that could only do so much. Then, with what you told us about your eating disorder… I’m so sorry, Lucas. I’ve seen you in pain for so long that I let myself get desensitized to it. I shouldn’t have, and I’m going to have to carry that for the rest of my life, but I still did it, and I’m so glad you found someone who saw every part of you and loved and cared for you in the way you deserve.”

An errant tear slipped down Lucas’ cheek as he turned to face Yann fully. Yann was still looking at the ceiling, but Lucas spoke anyway. “Don’t blame yourself for anything Yann. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was struggling, or to call me out on any of my bullshit. Eliott didn’t listen to my silent pleas for normalcy because he’s as stubborn as I am, but you can’t let yourself regret what happened in the past or blame yourself for it, trust me. It doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all yourself.”

“I’m still sorry,” Yann said, finally turning his head, “Please just let me be sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Lucas said, because it was what Yann needed to hear. Lucas didn’t think Yann needed to be forgiven for anything, but he offered up his forgiveness as a stepping stone to not send either of them too far into a regretful spiral.

“He loves you too?” Yann asked seriously.

Lucas smiled, thinking about the way Eliott looked at him like he was more beautiful than any star in the sky. “He does.”

“Jesus, you sappy little shit,” Yann groaned shaking his head. “‘He does’, with that fucking smile? Who are you and what have you done with Lucas Lallemant?”

He knew Yann was joking, but he thought about it. He was different, but it was a good different, a kind of different that made him want to soar, not sink. “I’m Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I think. The new and improved version. I like me better now, although I guess I didn’t really like myself at all before.”

“Well Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I’m your best friend Yann Cazas. Don’t go forgetting that again, ok? I’m with you no matter what. I’m the person you call when you need to hide a body, and you’re the same to me,” Yann said, raising his eyebrows.

“As if I could ever forget you,” Lucas said, half joking half serious. “And thanks, really.”

“Another no homo bro hug?” Yann offered, and Lucas didn’t even have time to respond verbally before Yann sat up and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. Lucas returned the gesture, resting his head on Yann’s shoulder.

When they pulled away Yann twitched his lips, looking to the side. “Speaking of no homo bro hugs—”

“Yann are you coming out to me?” Lucas interrupted, pretending to be scandalized.

Yann rolled his eyes, shoving Lucas’ shoulder. “Shut up. What I was going to say was, you need to talk to Arthur.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Lucas asked immediately, heart speeding up. Arthur had been acting a bit oddly… Lucas really hoped nothing was wrong.

“Calm down, nothing’s wrong,” Yann continued, reading his mind, “I just think you guys should have an actual heart to heart.”

“You’re scaring me a bit Yann…”

“I swear!” Yann raised his arms again. “He just filled me in on the things going on in his life, and I figured you’d want to know too, but not from me.”

“Ok…” Lucas was still wary, he could sense Yann wasn’t telling him something, but he’d just have to accept it for now. He really should have a talk with Arthur anyway, even just to fill him in on everything going on in his life as well. “Ok,” he repeated, “I’ll talk to him this week.”

Yann nodded, then scooted off the bed. “Tell your lover he can stop hiding in his room now, but if he ever hurts you I will break his spine.”

“Noted,” Lucas said, smiling. Then, “By the way, how’s it going with Chloé?”

Yann laughed as if he couldn’t help himself. “Ha. That. Yeah, um, it’s not really ‘going’ so to speak anymore.”

Lucas lifted the water from his bedside table in mock salute. “I expected nothing less.”

“Shut up, Lallemant, you’re still on thin ice for not telling me you’ve been a part of some enemies to lovers fanfiction for weeks now.” Yann pointed at him, narrowing his eyes.

“Enemies to lovers fan— Are you serious right now?” Lucas laughed, doubling over.

Yann simply turned towards the door, calling over his shoulder. “You don’t know what I do in my free time. Although, come to think of it, which one of you would be Harry and which one would be Draco?”

“Yann!”

“Ok, ok, leaving for real now. Let me know when you decide, though, this is important data,” Yann yelled, making his way through their living room and out the door. Lucas flopped back down shaking his head fondly. Harry and Draco… Yann was something else, he really was.

Lucas was so out of it he didn’t even register when Eliott walked back into the room until he said, “Well, obviously, I’m Harry.”

“What? Are you kidding?” Lucas scoffed as Eliott settled back down beside him. “How am I Draco?”

Eliott shrugged. “You were the mean one.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. Fine, if that was how they were going to play it. “You were the one who pined from afar for years.”

“They both did that,” Eliott argued.

“Well you— and Draco— were the ones aware that they were pining.”

And so they went on like this, debating back and forth, hands twisting together idly, legs brushing not so accidentally, hearts filled to the brim with adoration, as was normal these days. It was a peaceful morning that led into a peaceful afternoon that led into a peaceful night and it was wonderful. Every minute of it.

Dimanche 19:07

Lucas was fully drained, mentally and emotionally. He’d spent the last seven hours with a clinical psychologist, working through what was going on and getting properly diagnosed, and now he was even more exhausted than after a full day of rehearsals. It had taken a while for him to feel comfortable, but once he began to open up, the words wouldn’t stop flowing and flowing until he’d practically told his entire life story. It was a lot, and all he wanted right now were cuddles from Eliott.

The moment he opened the door, he was greeted by Eliott’s grinning face standing behind the counter chopping something up. “Hey, Lu. I’m making dinner.”

Lucas appreciated that he didn’t ask how the session had gone. Lucas would tell him, but he needed a moment to process things on his own first. He made his way over to the counter, sitting at one of the stools and peeking at what Eliott was doing. “What are you making?”

Eliott’s face flushed bright red. “It’s a surprise?”

“A surprise?”

Eliott beckoned Lucas closer with his hand, waiting to speak until they were inches apart. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Eliott whispered.

“Do you want help?” Lucas whispered back, stifling a giggle.

“No,” Eliott scoffed in mock indignation, pulling away. “Who knows, maybe this will be the best meal we’ve ever eaten. Maybe I’ll become a world famous chef, the new Remy.”

“Remy?” Lucas clarified.

“Yeah, the rat from Ratatouille.”

Lucas laughed. “Oh, I just thought his name was Ratatouille.”

This apparently, was the wrong thing to say, because Eliott dropped everything he was doing and stared at Lucas, mouth agape. Once he regained his composure, he sighed. “We have to break up.”

Lucas choked on a laugh, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“You don’t respect the cinematic excellence that is Ratatouille enough to even remember the main character’s name. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.” He shooed Lucas with his hands, turning away dramatically. “Begone, thot!”

And, well, Lucas had never expected to hear those words from Eliott, so he did what any sensible person would do. He laughed so hard he quite literally fell from his chair.

“Shit!” he exclaimed, catching himself before he could really embarrass himself. Eliott ran to the opposite side of the counter, alarm in his eyes.

“Oh my god are you ok? I’m so so sorry, Lu, I’m so— are you laughing?” Eliott rambled upon seeing Lucas shaking on the ground. Lucas lifted his head and revealed not tears of pain, but tears of laughter. Eliott sank down onto the floor beside him, dropping his face into his hands, but his smile was unmistakable.

“Begone— thot—” Lucas gasped between laughs, wiping his eyes.

Eliott finally surrendered to his own laughter, shaking his head. “I don’t even know where that came from.”

It took a few more minutes for Lucas to finally catch his breath, but once he did, he clasped one of Eliott’s hands between both of his. “Thank you,” he said, radiating with warmth.

“I called you a thot,” Eliott reiterated.

Lucas nudged him with his shoulder. “That’s not what I’m talking about, dummy. Thank you for being you, for making me laugh after the day I just had.”

“Are we talking about it?” Eliott asked, and Lucas wondered the same thing himself. He kind of just wanted to get it all off his chest, even if a small part of him was screaming to hold it all in until he exploded.

Lucas settled on a nod, leaning back against the counter and pulling his knees up to his chest. Eliott did the same, the two of them sitting side by side and not looking at each other. It was easier saying these things when he didn’t have to look for every single reaction in Eliott’s expressive eyes.

“So, I guess I officially have an eating disorder,” Lucas began. He felt his heart start to beat a tad more rapidly and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. Eliott didn’t say anything, just listened, still holding his hand.

“Anorexia nervosa, technically,” he continued, biting his lip. “I, um, also apparently have generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and deeply rooted emotional and physical trauma which manifests itself as PTSD. And abandonment issues. I’m quite the catch, I know.”

Eliott squeezed his hand. “Hey. None of that makes you less of a person, ok? Now that you know what to call it, you’ll have a better time learning how to push through it in a healthy way, right?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said in a small voice, focusing on a loose thread on his pants.

“Do you have to take any medications?” Eliott asked conversationally, as if they were talking about the weather.

Lucas nodded again. “They think that would be best, particularly for the OCD, mostly because I can’t go to therapy as often as they’d like given rehearsal schedules.”

“Hey that’s great!” Eliott exclaimed, and Lucas finally looked at him, confusion creasing his brows. “I have to take medication too, for, you know… now we can take them together or something. Help each other out. Obviously it won’t be easy for either of us, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

“That would be nice,” Lucas said, resting his head on Eliott’s shoulder. It most definitely would not be all rainbows and butterflies, and may be a source of argument from time to time, but Lucas thought it was what both of them needed at the moment to help them adjust to the changes in their lives.

“Minute by minute, baby,” Eliott said, leaning his head on top of Lucas’.

“Please don’t call me baby,” Lucas said, scrunching up his face even though he knew Eliott couldn’t see it. Had he told Eliott about his dislike of pet names yet or was this going to have to be a new conversation?

“Whatever you say, baby.”

“Eliott I swear—”

But he didn’t finish, and Eliott didn’t have time to answer, because a loud beeping noise interrupted both of their trains of thought. Their heads shot up, then their bodies when they realized the beeping was the smoke detector.

“You were making food,” Lucas remembered and Eliott nodded solemnly.

“I was making food.”

“Shit.”

They both went to work, waving away the smoke and turning off the stove, putting whatever Eliott’s concoction had been into the sink. Eliott was jumping up and down waving a dish towel to dissipate the smoke, and the sight was enough for Lucas’ panic to leave him and for laughter to take over once again. Eliott glared at him like Is now really the time?, but the corner of his mouth twitched nonetheless.

Lucas heard voices outside their door and looked through the peephole to see people walking past, muttering in confusion. “Shit,” he repeated, “I think we’re supposed to evacuate.”

“Even if we’re the source of the problem?” Eliott asked, still waving his dish towel.

“Especially if we’re the source of the problem, I think,” Lucas replied, reaching for the hoodie he’d strewn across the couch earlier. Actually, it was Eliott’s hoodie, but Lucas claimed it, so now it was his (at least until it stopped smelling like Eliott).

Eliott reluctantly put down the towel and followed Lucas out of the room, leaving the door ajar so the smoke had more room to escape. They found themselves caught in the throng of ballet students and grabbed each other’s hands instinctively, not remembering that what they had was supposed to be a secret. It didn’t matter anyway, no one was paying attention to them.

At least, they weren’t until Lucas and Eliott caught each other’s eyes over some of the younger student’s heads. Their lips wobbled, and Lucas bit the inside of his cheek, but it was useless. They broke back down into laughter, because of course they’d almost started a fire while they were having a deep and important conversation. And of course they’d had a deep and important conversation right after Eliott had called him a thot.

Once outside, Eliott and Lucas were still nearly pissing themselves laughing, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone or anything around them. They couldn’t stop, and everyone was looking at them like they were insane, though that could have partly been because it was Eliott and Lucas laughing together. No one had seen that since they were ten years old.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Emma asked, catching their attention. Right, other people existed.

“We may have set off the fire alarm,” Eliott explained biting his lip to try to stop his laughter. Lucas wasn’t quite there yet.

“We?” Daphné cut in, looking between the two of them utterly confused. Lucas caught Imane’s eye as he regained his composure, the knowing look, and he tried not to draw attention to it.

Sofiane caught the look though, probably because he was always looking at Imane, and his jaw dropped. “Wait a minute.”

Eliott looked at Sofiane in confusion, not having caught the exchange that had just gone down. Sofiane closed his mouth, then opened it, then closed it again. “Am I dreaming?” he asked finally.

“No,” Imane said, and Lucas glared at her.

He nearly groaned aloud when Manon came over to join all of them, along with Arthur, Ingrid, and Chloé. “What’s going on?” she asked warily, looking at Daphné for some sort of explanation. Daphné merely shrugged, eyes wide as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Ingrid looked at Manon and Daphné, then up at Lucas and Eliott. “They’re fucking,” she said simply, and practically every single person within earshot went wild.

“Funny joke—”

“Woah…”

“I knew it.”

“Lucas and Eliott? Never.”

“Finally.”

Lucas looked from person to person, mouth agape. Eliott looked a bit uncomfortable, kind of like he wanted to disappear, and Lucas went into defense mode. He glared at Ingrid, folding his arms across one another. “Really?”

She shrugged. “What? I share a wall with one of you, and you’re loud as fuck.”

Lucas didn’t think they were that loud, and besides, they’d only ‘fucked’ the way she was insinuating for the first time after their dance in the theatre. Sure, they’d probably done a few other… loud… activities, but it wasn’t like it was every night.

“That doesn’t mean it was Lucas and Eliott, though,” Daphné said, “It could have been one of them with someone else.”

“Well that would be super awkward, considering the two people in question were moaning the names ‘Eliott’ and ‘Lucas’,” Ingrid said matter of factly, and Lucas decided right then that he was going to kill her.

“But they hate each other,” Daphné said, looking to Manon for assistance. She wasn’t paying attention though, too focused on Lucas, on trying to read his face. He saw the moment she read all she needed to and was forced to accept the reality that Ingrid was telling the truth. Her jaw didn’t drop quite as Sofiane’s had, but it was enough that Daphné and Emma both gasped.

Yann winked at Lucas across the group of people, which was entirely unhelpful, but he supposed he had gotten himself into this situation in the first place. “We’re not fucking,” Lucas said adamantly.

Eliott met his eyes, raising his eyebrows in an equally unhelpful fashion, and Lucas sighed. “We’re not just fucking,” he amended, covering his face with his hands to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. He felt an arm slip around his shoulders and knew it was Eliott’s without having to look.

“We’re dating,” Eliott said simply, and if everyone’s reactions had been wild before, they were nothing compared to what they were now.

Manon’s face told him that she was going to chew him out for not telling her later, but also that she was happy for him if he was happy, and he appreciated it. He did feel bad for not telling her for so long.

Just as their friends began to ask questions, the director emerged, yelling to all the students. “This was a false fire alarm, you can all go back inside and about your business, we’ll have someone come in tomorrow morning to look into any faulty wires that could have tripped the alarm accidentally. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

His face said otherwise, but then again, he always looked like he’d just stepped in shit. At least no one had found out that Lucas and Eliott were the source of this trouble, especially given all the other trouble they’d caused recently.

Before their friends could even think to ask more questions or even focus their attention back on Eliott and Lucas, Eliott grabbed Lucas’ hand and took off with him back into the building, laughing all the while.

The charred remains of their dinner still sat in the sink, so they grabbed leftovers from the fridge before locking their door— and triple checking that it was actually locked— and resuming their positions leaned up against the counter on the floor.

They could explain everything in the morning.

Lundi 12:12

Surprisingly, most people had come to terms with Eliott and Lucas being a thing by the time classes started that morning. Maybe more of them had seen it coming than they were willing to admit, or maybe they were just waiting to ambush them until after class. Whatever the case, it gave Lucas opportunity to pull Arthur aside at the beginning of class to ask if he wanted to have lunch, just the two of them. He’d agreed, and now Lucas sat waiting at the cafe down the street, frowning at the time. Arthur wasn’t going to bail on him, was he?

But no, almost fifteen minutes past noon, Arthur strolled in, casual smile on his face. Lucas could tell it was forced, but he didn’t comment on it. He knew Arthur had been going through a lot lately.

“Hey Lulu,” Arthur said as he sat down, and Lucas found himself grinning at the nickname. Arthur was really the only person he ever let get away with calling him that. “What did you, um, want to talk about?” Arthur added, almost nervously.

Lucas didn’t really have an answer, because technically Yann was the one who told him to talk to Arthur. “I just wanted to check in, I guess. Make sure everything’s alright with you.”

“Oh.” The tension in Arthur’s shoulders deflated. “This is about what I told you and Yann last week?”

Lucas shrugged. “Kind of, I guess. We don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to.”

Arthur seemed to weigh this, folding his hands and unfolding them so many times it almost made Lucas dizzy. It was odd, Arthur was never usually nervous like this, especially not around Lucas. “Well. I’m getting emancipated, obviously. I don’t think you’ve ever met my mom but she’s— she’s something. It was never really about her, but she never did anything, either, so I guess it was about her, in a way.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand,” Lucas said apologetically. He knew Arthur liked to speak vaguely, didn’t like to get too personal, but if they were having this conversation, Lucas needed to be able to follow it.

“Right. Sorry. Um, you know my mom was a ballerina, famous and whatever, that’s why I started ballet. When I was five she hired this special instructor, apparently she was really well known in the ballet world, I don’t know, I was five, but she also… got a little too involved in our rehearsals. I didn’t really even know what was happening, I was too young, so I didn’t say anything. I thought that’s what ballet teachers did. But then I got older, and she stayed under my mother’s employ, and I started to realize the things we did, that she was doing with me, they weren’t, like, normal, or right. That’s when I told my mom about it, but she didn’t believe me. She said I just wanted an excuse to slack off rehearsing. That was when I was twelve, and she was my mom, so I accepted her word and continued doing what I’d been doing my whole life.

“Then when I was fourteen it got… different. My instructor, she— let’s just say some things changed for the worse. At that point I couldn’t blow it off or pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. I hated her, I hated my mom, I hated myself most of all, so I stopped giving a shit. I blew off rehearsals all the time, a habit that I kept up here at school, even though this place was heaven compared to being at home, I started smoking weed a lot, I hooked up with a lot of people I probably shouldn’t have. People who thought I was older than I was, who were much older themselves, because I guess a masochistic part of me was used to it. Eliott, actually, was the only one who noticed. It’s no one’s fault for not noticing what I didn’t want them to notice, but when Eliott did notice, I finally let myself break.”

Arthur shut his eyes and clenched his fists on the table. Lucas realized he’d simply been staring open mouthed and schooled his expression into something more neutral. He and Arthur were more alike than they’d realized, apparently, and Eliott continued to be one of the greatest humans to ever grace the earth.

When Arthur opened his eyes, Lucas pretended not to notice the tears he was blinking away. “Obviously,” he continued, “Some old habits die hard. I still do things I shouldn't. I go out until dawn when I know I have rehearsals at eight, I don’t apply myself in class like I know I can because I don’t want personalized attention, I have unhealthy habits when it comes to relationships, but I tried to start over in little ways. I filed for emancipation at the beginning of last school year with Elliot’s help and I stayed with Alexia last summer, so that’s why we’re closer than we used to be. She was another lifesaver. No one of any importance believed me when I told them about what my instructor did, but at least they believed me when I told them that my mother was emotionally abusive and incredibly manipulative, and she put me into dangerous situations without care or conscience. She still tries to contact me sometimes, and I really don’t want to have to get a restraining order, but I found out that she and my old instructor apparently have been in a relationship for quite a few years and they never told me about it. I don’t even have the words to say how fucked up that is.”

“Fuck, Arthur, I’m so sorry,” Lucas said, unable to keep it in any longer. He wasn’t sure if Arthur was done or not, but he’d paused, and Lucas had used that as an opening.

Arthur just shrugged noncommittally. “You have nothing to be sorry for. That's life.”

“No one deserves that kind of a life,” Lucas said, because that was what he’d learned recently himself.

“I could say the same to you,” Arthur responded, and Lucas smiled sadly.

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you.” Arthur said nothing to that, just continued to look down at his hands. “Um, would it be ok if I gave you a hug?” Lucas asked, because in his opinion hugs made everything better.

Arthur’s head shot up and he shook his head fervently. “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Ouch, but ok. Maybe this was about Eliott? They hadn’t talked about that yet, just the two of them, maybe Arthur thought Eliott was the super jealous type or something. “Eliott won’t mind if I give one of my best friends a hug,” Lucas said slowly, and Arthur flushed bright red.

“That’s not what I meant, um, I just actually have something else I need to talk about with you.” Arthur’s hands were fidgeting again. “I… um, simply put, I think I’m in love with you?”

Lucas blinked, certain he’d misheard. There was no way… he and Arthur had always had this intimate dynamic together, but it was always platonic. That was his understanding of it at least.

“What?” he asked intelligently.

Arthur rubbed his eyes under his glasses, sighing deeply. “I’m kind of in love with you which is why I’ve kind of been avoiding you lately.”

“How long?” What the fuck else was he supposed to ask? To say? It was strange to think that if he and Eliott hadn’t gotten over their shit he might be with Arthur right now.

Arthur shrugged. “Around the time we went to that party Alexia invited us to. We were talking about getting married, and I was drunk, and I just had a fleeting feeling of wanting to kiss you. Then I realized the feeling wasn’t fleeting, and then I panicked.”

“Did you know I was with Eliott?”

“No.” Arthur shook his head. “I was as surprised as everyone else last night.”

“Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why say something now?” Lucas asked, genuinely.

Arthur smirked, but there was no humor to it. “Because I can handle you rejecting me if you’re in love with someone else, but I don’t think I could have handled you rejecting me because you simply didn’t feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas said, because he didn’t want Arthur to feel like shit because Lucas didn’t love him like that.

Arthur looked away. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault, we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I’ll get over it, trust me. In the meantime I understand if you don’t want to be around me or whatever.”

Lucas scoffed, bringing Arthur’s gaze back to his. “Are you serious? Do you really think I would ever not want to be around you? Sure, I’m not in love with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you with all my heart. You’re one of my favorite people in the entire world.”

“Lucas you don’t have to say that—”

“I know,” Lucas cut him off, “I want to. Because I mean it.”

Arthur began to grin, then. It was small, it was slow, but it was there. “We should probably get out of here, classes start up soon.”

Lucas checked his phone for the time and realized Arthur was right. It felt like no time had passed at all, he’d been too wrapped up in their conversation. Lucas looked at Arthur as they made their way to the door, mulling over a question.

“So what about me, specifically, turns you on?” Lucas asked jokingly as the two of them walked out of the cafe together.

“Shut the fuck up Lallemant, I swear,” Arthur warned, but he was finally laughing.

“My striking looks? My dazzling personality?”

Arthur rolled his eyes, walking a few steps ahead of Lucas. “Your ass,” he said, breaking into a jog before Lucas could register his words. Lucas stood dumbstruck for a moment, then came back into himself.

“Wait a minute, my— Arthur get back here! Were you serious? Arthur!”

Mardi 20:43

For the first time in a long time, Eliott and Lucas were working on Polaris together. Well, more accurately, Eliott was working on Polaris and Lucas was trying to distract him by playing rap songs on the piano.

“Duuude,” Eliott whined, “I can’t focus!”

“Did you just call me dude?” Lucas clarified with a laugh. “Dude-zoned by my own boyfriend. I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.”

That was all it took for Eliott to drop his focus completely, on top of Lucas so quickly they nearly both fell off the piano bench for what wouldn’t be the first time. Eliott’s lips seared onto his, and Lucas tried and failed to hold back a moan as Eliott teased him, pulling away just enough that Lucas was struck by his absence. Eliott smiled at him, pulling him closer by the waist and sliding him across the bench so he ended up nearly on top of Eliott.

Lucas’ hands snaked around Eliott’s shoulders, a safe space (though Lucas would argue that everything about Eliott made him feel safe), a place for him to lose himself completely. Maybe it would have been frustrating that Eliott smiled into every kiss they shared causing their teeth to clang together if it wasn’t so endearing.

Eliott almost always had his hands on Lucas’ face when they kissed, like holding Lucas was the most important thing in the world. Lucas liked it, he liked it a lot. The security it brought and the way the heat of Eliott’s hands matched the heat on his face were a deadly combination, and Lucas reveled in it.

Nothing compared to the taste of Eliott, though. Granted, Lucas hadn’t kissed many people in his life, but Eliott’s taste was better than all of them combined, and then some. Sometimes Lucas wondered how he compared to Lucille, in Eliott’s eyes, but he would never ask. It didn’t matter if Eliott had loved Lucille’s taste as much as he loved Eliott’s, it was the two of them until the end of time now and no one would ever get in the way of it.

Through a series of events Lucas had little to no recollection of, too caught up in the heat of the moment, of Eliott, they ended up on the floor, heads aligned and their bodies pointing in opposite directions, gazing up at the fluorescent studio lights. Lucas was still breathing a bit heavily, unable to wipe the soft smile from his face. It was a comfortable silence, the kind that you can only share with a person you love deeply.

“You know, we never had our Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour,” Eliott said, breaking that silence and turning his head to face Lucas.

“Shit, that’s right,” Lucas said, as if he’d ever forgotten about it. A stupid part of him had always hoped they’d be able to get over themselves by the time they were seventeen and make good on their childhood plans. Another thought occurred to him. “Oh, fuck you, you get to be Siegfried again.”

“You wanted to do the fouettes!” Eliott reminded him, and Lucas turned his head to face him as well.

“I’ve always wanted to dance with a Prince,” he conceded with a small shrug. In truth, he thought it might be a bit entertaining to play Odette in their mini reproduction of the show, mostly because he and Eliott would have to do a series of lifts and partnering that would probably have been impossible, roles reversed. Not that Lucas would ever admit that to Eliott.

“Saturday?” Eliott suggested. “We could invite our friends, now that none of this is a secret. Are they our friends now, or do your friends still have to pretend to hate me?”

Lucas cracked a smile, leaning over to shut Eliott up with a small peck on the lips. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Well, Lucas thought, challenge accepted.

Jeudi 18:45

Lucas and Eliott had just finished dinner when Manon texted and left Lucas in a state of utter confusion.

Manon: Lucas Lallemant if you don’t get your ass over to room 412 in two minutes I’ll never speak to you again

Lucas: ??? what the fuck ???

Manon: 120, 119, 118, 117, 116, 115…

Lucas: Yeesh I’m coming chill out bro

Manon: 114, 113, 112, 111, 110…

He shut his phone off before her countdown could fall any lower and begrudgingly removed himself from where he’d been tucked into Eliott’s side. Eliott whined and reached for him as he stood up, but Lucas just sighed and shook his head.

“I have to go to Manon’s room, for some reason,” he said, pouting.

“Do you want me to come with?” Eliott asked, but Lucas shook his head.

“No, she’s probably asking me to come because she’s mad I didn’t tell her about us,” he reasoned, leaning back over to run a hand through Eliott’s hair. Why was it always so soft, who allowed that?

Eliott hummed, leaning into his touch. “Don’t be gone too long, I miss you already.”

“Yeah, yeah, you big old sap,” Lucas teased, but his parting kiss said, I miss you too.

When Lucas knocked on Manon’s door she opened it with a stern expression. “You’re seventeen seconds late,” she said without preamble.

“Sorry?”

“Just come in,” she said, pulling him by the hand and shutting the door behind her.

Lucas shrank at the look in her eyes, wondering how much shit he’d have to hear about keeping his relationship a secret. She smacked him lightly on the shoulder, which was expected, and frowned. “You already know what I’m going to say.”

“I do,” he agreed, sitting on the couch. He didn’t know where Imane and Daphné were, maybe they were just hiding away in their rooms.

She sat beside him, raising her eyebrows for him to continue. “I’m sorry?” he tried, and she rolled her eyes.

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know what to say! I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, we just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Well, why not?” she asked, and he scoffed, because he was pretty sure she’d been doing the same thing.

“For the same reason I’m the only one who knows about you and Daphné,” he countered.

She furrowed her brows. “Everyone knows about Daphné and me.”

“What? Since when?”

“Well,” she thought about it, “Imane knows because she lives with us, I told Emma the day after I told you because I didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t trust her enough to tell her.” She paused to give him a pointed look. “Then we told everyone else two Saturdays ago, at the terminale brunch.”

The terminale brunch? Oh. Oh. That had been when he and Eliott had been at Eliott’s house. Now it made more sense as to why there was so much drama surrounding the absence. If they hadn’t had an event that morning, no one would have even known Lucas was gone, probably.

“I wasn’t at the terminale brunch,” he reminded her and she blinked, as if just realizing this.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Oh, yeah,” he repeated, and she shoved him.

Her face grew suspicious. “Where were you? You haven’t really told me anything in a long time, Lu.”

He felt guilty as he realized she was right. They hadn’t talked about anything serious since she’d told him about her and Daphné, and he certainly hadn’t volunteered up any information about his own struggle. Everyone knew that he and Eliott were splitting shows, but no one other than them knew why. Manon probably didn’t even know he’d almost been kicked out, he realized with a jolt.

So, he started talking, spilling everything that had happened since the beginning of the year that he’d kept her in the dark about. He tried not to look at her face while he spoke, not wanting to see any of the disappointment or pity that was surely etched there. After a while, she took his hand, but he didn’t stop talking, even when his voice wobbled and he tried to blink tears from his eyes.

It wasn’t all bad, though. Lucas heard her laugh when he told her about his first kiss with Eliott, and he couldn’t help but smile as well. He’d almost slipped up and revealed that he and Eliott had been hiding in a closet when she and Daphné had their first kiss, but he figured he could save that story for years down the road.

“That’s all, I suppose,” he finished, just after he told her about the Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour. He was still too nervous to look her in the eyes, but it turned out he didn’t have to. She simply grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into her, engulfing him in what might have been the world's tightest hug.

“Don’t ever go through something like that again without telling me,” she whispered, pressing her cheek to his shoulder.

He squeezed her even more tightly in response. “Yann said practically the same thing.”

“Good.” She pulled away, looking him in the eyes. “We’ll form a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade.”

“That’s entirely unnecessary.”

“You don’t get a say in this.”

“Mmmm… pretty sure I do—”

He was cut off by the door opening, and he and Manon both turned to see who it was. Lucas smiled as Imane walked in, eyes narrowed. “What’s going on here?” she asked, setting down her dance bag.

“We’re starting a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade,” Manon explained, and Lucas glared at her.

“We are not doing that,” he attempted to interject, but Imane wasn’t listening.

She sat down on the couch on the other side of Lucas. “Oh, thank god we’re making it official. I was all alone before.”

Manon raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me, but I’ve been manning the helm of the S.S. Lallemant longer than you.”

“Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me,” Lucas said, mostly to get them off the topic of a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade. “Besides,” he continued, “Yann has both of you beat.”

Manon and Imane exchanged a glance, shrugging. “That’s fair,” Manon conceded, leaning her head back on his shoulder. Lucas and Manon both looked at Imane, beckoning her to join their cuddle.

“You know you want to,” Lucas said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Whatever would Eliott say?” Imane asked with a fake gasp.

Lucas grinned. “He’d just be jealous we had a group hug without him.”

Imane rolled her eyes, but she put her head on Lucas’ other shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll ever be used to you talking about him like you don’t want to set him on fire.”

“I never wanted to set Eliott on fire.” First Yann, now Imane. When had he ever said anything like that? He was fairly confident his hatred had remained subtle. Even if perhaps he did say anything of the sort, it’s not like he ever actually would have set Eliott on fire for christ’s sake. Eliott was a bit like fire himself, could a bit intimidating from afar but gets warmer and warmer the closer you get to him. He was also a radiant light shining in any kind of darkness.

“You should be used to it by now,” Lucas continued, drawing back from his own thoughts.

“It’s been less than a week, I’m nowhere near used to it yet either,” Manon laughed, and Lucas turned sharply, meeting Imane’s eyes.

She frowned, not seeing what he was trying to communicate. “Maybe for you…”

“Wait a minute.” Manon sat up. “Did you tell her before you told me?”

Lucas glared at Imane as she finally realized what he’d been trying to convey with his eyes. “In my defense I was having a panic attack,” he added, hoping Manon wouldn’t be too mad.

“Shush,” she cut him off, narrowing her eyes at Imane. Imane just stared back, which was one of the many things he loved about her. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Manon burst out laughing.

“What the fuck!” she gasped through her laughter.

“What the fuck?” Lucas mouthed to Imane, who just shrugged.

“I told Imane before you too,” Manon said at last, her giggles subsiding. “I just didn’t tell you that because I felt bad.”

Lucas gasped. “Et tu brute?”

“That doesn’t work in this context, no one else betrayed you,” Manon pointed out, “Not that either of us betrayed each other, I guess.” She sighed, resigned. “Looks like Imane is the leader of the LLDB then.”

“LLDB?”

“Lucas Lallemant Defense Brigade,” Imane filled in and Lucas groaned, leaning back onto the couch further.

“Forget I said anything!”

The two of them fell back with him, attacking him with more hugs. He felt so light, and he honestly hadn’t known it was possible to feel this light. As good as he felt with Eliott, there had been something missing, and it was honest and open communication with his best friends. Now that he and Yann, Arthur, Manon, and Imane were on the same page about everything, the colors in the world seemed much more saturated.

As the three of them sat there in one big pile Manon brushed a hand through his hair smiling up at him. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but you really look happy now, Lu, the kind of happy that comes from so deep inside that you can’t stop it.”

It was true. Eliott was the poetic one, he could have spun the feeling into a beautiful metaphor or a life changing quote, but Lucas preferred to keep it simple. He wasn’t healed, but he was healing, and he was happy.

Samedi 18:58

Their friends were absolutely ridiculous. Lucas had accidentally slipped and revealed his childhood plans turned reality to Manon the night before and she had, in turn, spilled them to everyone in their year. So now, their two man show was an actual show, and not an excuse for them to escape and make out for inordinate amounts of time. And now their whole year was in the audience with signs and cheers and cake for some reason.

“I don’t know all of Odette’s parts, what was I thinking?” Lucas was not so silently freaking out in the wings of their in house auditorium while Eliott watched him with amusement. Lucas stuck his tongue out at Eliott. “You’re not helping!”

“Did you just stick your tongue out at me?” Eliott asked, failing to conceal a laugh.

Lucas simply made a noise that resembled that of a dying cat. Eliott’s smile grew smaller as he walked over to Lucas, cupping his face in his hands. Lucas sank into the embrace immediately, placing his own hands over Eliott’s wrists.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Eliott said softly, melodically. “I’m perfectly fine with hiding in our room for the rest of the night. I would offer to make food, but we can just order something, I don’t want to burn the building down.”

Lucas took a deep breath and shook his head. “No. I want to do this, I just… it’s hard to let go of being perfect, even if we’re literally just making a mockery of Swan Lake.”

“Who said anything about making a mockery of it? I intend to be the most dazzling Prince you’ve ever seen!” Eliott said, grin encompassing his whole face.

“Eli, I’m serious. I know you’ll be amazing at whatever you do, but it’s hard for me to just… let go. This isn’t a role I’ve trained for, we’ve never actually partnered seriously together, and even though it’s just our friends out there, what if they don’t like it?” Voicing his insecurities was a new thing for him, but he was trying.

“Lu.” Lucas closed his eyes as Eliott leaned all the way in, connecting them further, everywhere but their lips. “You trust me, right?”

Lucas nodded, eyes still shut. He could hear Eliott’s comforting smile. “Good, because I promise you, we’ll both be so perfectly imperfect that it won’t even matter if we get any moves wrong. It’s you and me, now and forever. We may look like idiots, but who cares? What’s love without being idiots together? Besides, when else are we going to get to do this? This might be the last time we get to dance for fun, no expectations attached. Do you really want to miss out on that?”

Lucas didn’t. He wanted, more than anything, to dance for himself. He opened his eyes. “Ok. I’m ready.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s do this.”

Eliott separated them from one another, but not before stealing a kiss. Lucas’ face flushed with the feeling it brought as Eliott grabbed his hand and led him onto the stage.

The stage lights were so bright he could barely see his friends out in the crowd, but he could hear them, whooping and yelling and whistling. Against his wishes, it brought a smile to his face, and when the music started, he just let go.

***

Was he supposed to laugh through the entire performance of Swan Lake? Probably not, but he also wasn’t supposed to play the role of Odette, if that’s even what he was doing. And he also most definitely wasn’t supposed to pause after every partnering interaction to give his boyfriend a kiss, but he preferred this version of the show to the original.

Eliott had shouted out from the wings as Lucas did his thirty-two fouettes, executed to near perfection. He almost wished the director was in there just so he could rub his talent in his face. The finale came too soon, but with it came cheers from everyone in their year, and laughs as Eliott invited them all on stage and played a trap remix of the Swan Lake melody.

Yann came over and spun Lucas with one hand, Arthur with the other, Lucas and Arthur catching each other’s eyes with a knowing glint. Lucas winked, and Arthur rolled his eyes, but he smiled, and they embraced one another, laughing hard enough they couldn’t feel anything but joy.

“No homo,” Arthur whispered into his ear, and Lucas hugged him tighter, loving Arthur more than he could put into words.

Sofiane and Eliott were laughing with one another, Imane standing just out of the way, smiling as she gazed at them. Well, Sofiane, mostly. Lucas would be sure to give her shit for it later.

Daphné snaked behind him, pressing something into his hand and before disappearing with the raise of one eyebrow. He looked down and saw a can of blue silly string, something that immediately transported him back to being seven years old, running around Eliott’s backyard and spraying each other with wild glee.

Eliott’s eyes found him through the throng of people and they smiled, sharing this memory from across the room. Eliott shook his own can in challenge, and Lucas grinned wider, shaking his own can before releasing a long stream in Eliott’s direction.

Shrieks sounded from all over as everyone began spraying each other, using each other as shields, dancing as the silly string fell down onto them. So many colors mixed in the air and on the stage and everyone kept adding more and more until there was an entire rainbow surrounding everyone from all sides.

Lucas lost sight of Eliott and was about to go looking for him when yellow shot through his vision. He scoffed in outrage and turned to see Eliott grinning mischievously and holding his can in triumph. Well, that just wouldn’t do.

Lucas sprayed him back, running and following him around the stage, each of them nearly slipping and falling on the string spread about the stage. Eliott turned around at the last second, probably hoping for a surprise attack, and they both sprayed each other at the same time, yellow and blue meeting in the middle like either end of an eternal flame.

He probably looked like a disaster, he could feel all the silly string coating his body, his face, his hair, but Eliott didn’t seem to care. Eliott looked at him like Lucas was all he’d ever wanted. It was still surreal, to be looked at that way, but it was a look he loved, one that he hoped he reciprocated every time he looked Eliott’s way.

Lucas stepped closer to him slowly, and placed a hand on his cheek, silly string falling from his hair as Eliott leaned into his hand.

“I like yellow on you,” Eliott said, gesturing to where he’d sprayed his string all over Lucas.

“Thanks,” Lucas said, “But I think it suits you better than me.”

Eliott pulled back from Lucas’ hand, cocking his head. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, Eliott Demaury,” Lucas said, pulling Eliott’s face to his, lifting up on relevé to make their heights more level. “You are the sun in its purest form.”

Eliott’s answering smile just before he pulled Lucas into the world’s most colorful kiss proved just that. Eliott was a light that would never go out. They both were.

And they were happy.

#skam france #elu fic #elu ballet au #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant #eliott x lucas

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thewhumpstuff · 4 years

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You and I, Me and You [31]

[CW: References to: Human trading/trafficking, implied non/dubcon in the past. Vivianne (Vivi-Anne/a) presents with a constellation of personality traits and identity-defining choices/compulsions that are unique to her and this world. (Attributed to her past and involving experiments with sci-fi drugs) She does NOT represent any disorders or conditions]

[Teaser and Master List] [Archives of our Own] (Lost and Found: Chapter 6)

[<– Previous] ~ [Next –>]

Fooled Around?

Today, there was something comforting about the consistency of the concrete around him as he ambled to the cafeteria. The grey was there. It was solid, assuring and necessary. He did not know the compound well and kept an eye out for signs that could guide him. A platoon marched by; he ignored the cohort of people as much as they ignored them. Jared was grateful for the shroud of darkness. In his black tracksuit, he was just some agent – and not the Red Knight. He processed the argu- discussion with Shira. He was not wrong, and neither was she. Cepheus had challenged him similarly a mere night ago. Jared was not fully conscious of just how much agency he had lost. Just how many choices were made through him, but not completely by him and almost never for himself. Of how many times… he had chosen silence and still did. And yet, Akira wanted to be with him, with whatever he was... Who am I anyway?

And yet, the commander general of Q.B. was willing to trust him with the post he offered. Anyone is a big step up after Ezekiel though. Jared could not really seek any assurance from that. But he did want to make things work. He did want to find a way through all this. He could see more of Akira’s reasoning, but pieces of her were missing. Parts of her that he knew of, but had not held, had not really seen. Akira probably felt the same way. His parts were skeletons in his closet. Her parts felt tamer, easier to behold. Just then, Jared’s cursory gaze found the sleek bubble-gum hair. No, her parts were not all that tame either. Perhaps, she did have her own skeletons too. People here at Q.B. had ‘scarred-and-marked’ her just as much as Scar-and-Mark, me, right? Vivianne was a reminder that Akira had suffered in unexpected ways too. And in ways that he had seen at the hands of Ezekiel. Suddenly, in his head, he was the victim and advocate for SpecSyn and she was the victim and representative for Q.B, as he grappled with his options. He did not mean for it to become this way. He also did not need any signs to his destination anymore. His gaze never left the striking pink hair and strode towards Vivi, in a quick pace. His steps fell before his reason and mind had a chance to catch up. “You.” Vivi responded to many things, but ‘you’ certainly was not one of them. She had strolled into the cafeteria with more of a purpose than she usually did, and that distraction kept her from spotting Jared, or attributing any significance to his call. “Vivianne.” She whipped around already correcting the caller sharply as he graduated from you to her full name. “Just Vivi – Oh! If it isn’t The Red Knight himself!” She had not been seeking him, but he felt like a good find. Vivi felt obligated to tell him about Zizi, it did involve Novara after all. She had gathered they were friends. Plus, it looked like Tariq could use the help. But Jared had other matters on his mind. The cafeteria was too crowded, and a few people had already started staring after her loud greeting. The conversation he wanted warranted some privacy. “Follow me.” Vivi did not have to. She did not usually respond to orders outside of combat and Jared held no rank here. Not yet, not that she knew of the offer at all. But she did. Out of curiosity. Easily distracted, she fell off course quickly. His hands were fists in his pocket. It was difficult to remain collected through the surge of his flaring temper. He kept careful distance as they rounded into an alley behind the cafeteria. “So, you like playing with knives and cigarettes then?” His tone was deliberately flat. He wanted answers and explanations, not revenge. But he did want to see some consequences. And he ought to know how things happen if he was to take up SiC. He had seen a glimpse of Vivianne’s flair in the bus, it did not take a genius to see her odd sense of fascination. And, one way or another, despite what she had done, she had also potentially saved Akira’s life. Doesn’t make it ok though. Vivi cocked her head and corrected him again, “Anna, likes to play with her scalpel. I suppose I like knives sometimes… and cigarettes. From what I have heard, so do you.” Jared took a deep breath and really could not tell if she was being deliberately obtuse. “On people?” “Yes. On people… for you too, right? You don’t happen to have one on you, do you?” She sounded excited, like the least he could do was offer some sort of kinship and share a smoke. She leaned against the wall behind her and propped her foot on it casually. And then she went on almost like she was judging him. He missed it entirely. “Anna and I usually only use those when someone wants it or needs it though… Like that time in the bus. And…” “Yes, but Shira didn’t want it.” He replied hotly and he was curt. She let out something between a snort and a churlish giggle. “Didn’t stop you either… from what I’ve heard…” It took him a moment to make the connection. Eze must have divulged his knowledge about the SpecSyn training debacle. That stupid day is going to haunt me forever. I should not have… At least it would always serve as a good reminder for him to never cross lines again. As tempting as it felt right now. In that spirit, he took another step back. She was good at filling the silence the space left between them, answering the unasked questions. “The day you came along… She didn’t want things anymore…” Vivi lamented, like he was in some way responsible for what happened. And like she had not expected him or her little act of vengeance to put a damper on things the way that they had. Jared blinked. “You… you two-” “Fooled around? Yeah. And I promise, she liked it. Her response to fear…” She smacked her lips together and winked. She had diminished what she shared with Akira because it felt unattainable now. Vivi did still hope that it had something to do with everything else that happened. There was too much that had happened. She did not linger on it though, because she was in a good mood after having dealt with Ezekiel, – who did largely seem responsible for this… everything else. Him! That woman… “Oh! I think Novara and Tariq need a little help… and… someone else.” The blankness on Jared’s face was instantly replaced with concern and fury. His clenched fingers tightened in his pocket and he could not help but close in now. There was still some hesitancy in his steps. His palm rested on the wall next to her, he was dangerously close to doing something he would regret. Vivi was entirely unnerved and unperturbed. She was rather hooked onto the various emotions that danced across his face and was not scared of the one that had settled for the time being, like others would be, perhaps. “Vivianne, I swear if you did-” She cocked her eyebrow, still unfazed and likely to remain so. “Just Vivi! And calm down Mister, I had little to do with it. I’m actually trying to help… I need to get food.” Most people didn’t take so long to fathom Vivi-Anna as Vivianne’s preference. A pricked Vivi slipped by Jared, ducking under his hand and walking towards the cafeteria. He let her and followed; his urgency not reflected in her motions. “Apparently… Eze had some woman locked in a hidden room and Nova experimented on her or something…” Her words this time, were soft. She was smart enough to remain out of earshot. Jared stopped walking. Vivi turned to look back at him with impatience. “I need to get food for her… Are you going to join me, or not?” Jared did not expect someone to be more practical than him in the face of crisis. He was more worn than he wanted to admit. He nodded and followed in a hurry as she brought some bottles. “This woman… Is she fine?” Wrapped, in mentally flipping through all the implications of what Vivi had just shared, Jared forgot that he was meant to be buying food too. But, Jared was not going back to Akira anymore, he needed to find out more about what happened. “Not injured at least externally… Unless you count the missing arm and leg. But she is weak… And hungry, I think. Should probably have someone MediScan her…” Jared’s mind scoured through possibilities given what Vivi shared. She led him towards Ezekiel’s house, he tried to prompt her into hurrying, it did not change much. The grandiosity of Ezekiel’s homemade Jared nauseous. Q.B. sure had spared a lot for him. From a political point of view, it made sense. Ezekiel had become as much a face for them as Jared had been for SpecSyn. And Ezekiel brought in hard cash and good deals for the military. Post-Supremacy, Jared’s contributions felt lacklustre—a spyware designer and a shitty mentor… Regardless of whether he had been good or bad, Jared did not see himself making the kind of demands Ezekiel clearly had. “Where was he keeping her?” Vivi clammed up for the first time. Not out of guilt or fear, but simply because she was not sure what details were safe to share with Jared, regarding their adventures with Ezekiel. “Oh, just in some hidden room… I managed to hack the lock.” She still spoke with an effortlessness that did not leave Jared in doubt. So that is what she meant by help. “I don’t really need to be here right? You’re here… and…” Vivi handed him the drinks as she sought to make herself scarce, the fun parts were all done. BuzzBo could use a new advert – A drink for all your malnourishment needs. Briefly, Jared was irked that he was the last to find out about this. That somehow, Nova had involved Tariq and Vivianne, but not him. Then he realised that he had not exactly left himself accessible. In the past this would feel worse than it did. For a moment though, a certain part of him ached in concern for Akira. Enough to hesitate but not enough to abandon what felt like his duty.

Jared paused and scanned the slice of the study room visible through the frame of the door. The books in the shelf to the left were slightly jostled and Nova knelt in front of him. She sat like a statue, like any movement would result in some catastrophe. Jared did not make his way inside yet. He rapped at the door softly to draw her attention. Their eyes met. The ex-SpecSyn BioHacker practically leapt off her spot on the carpet, her eyes darting deeper into the room for a second, before she approached him on padded feet and pulled him away from the threshold of the study. Tariq noticed and followed her, pausing when he noticed Jared. He waited within earshot. “You have to understand he made me-” She drew a shaky breath. He was about to reassure her. “Her… her name is Zizi. I… Excuse me.” As selfish as it seemed, he almost stopped her, only so that he could ask her to check in on Akira. But Nova left in a rare, seemingly self-indulgent hurry. She never asked for anything for herself, much like him. It was apparent that she had been through a lot, so Jared could not possibly hold this against her. Little did he know that Novara was on her way to Ezekiel. To fix him, which he did not deserve, but in a way that he would not forget in a hurry. [Tags: @lettuceknighted, @quirkykayleetam]

#context focus #plot focused #I just wanted Jared and Vivianne to square off #oc Jared #oc Vivi-Anna #oc Novara #oc Zizi

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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May 2nd-May 8th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 2nd, 2020 to May 8th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What are some of the weirdest things you've Googled while researching for your story?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

For Whispers of the Past, the weirdest thing I googled was probably: "puncture wounds versus lacerations" and "chance of survival after getting stabbed." Pretty sure I also looked up: "treatment for arsenic poisoning," "lethal dose of arsenic," "arsenic in nature," "broken ribs symptoms and treatments," "pneumothorax," "can a horse kill someone by trampling them?" and "how far can you fall without dying?" Basically, just a bunch of medical questions. For another story, I think the weirdest thing I looked up was, "can you take antidepressants and sleeping pills together?" More medical questions

carcarchu

@ cronaj's answer "i swear i'm an author not a serial killer"

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Hmmm.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I think for me was searching up symptoms of PTSD, eating disorders, and also victims of cheating

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Probably that time trying to research poisonous substances available in Victorian and earlier households with potentially fatal results if ingested but not immediate, and their symptoms/treatments

The answer, incidentally, is that most of them aren't treatable if you've had a high enough dose to get symptoms.

And non-lethal doses tend to have unpleasant long term effects

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't remember all the crazy stuff I've looked up. What's popping into my head at the moment, though, is I did almost a month of research into time travel paradoxes for a plot that I ended up not using! So that's fun

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Also that Victorians kept arsenic (a white powder) in the same place as sugar (a white powder) in often unmarked containers since literacy was low and labels only work if you can read them

There was far more accidental poisonings from putting arsenic in your tea than I can count

carcarchu

what about having a picture of a skull and cross bones on the arsenic tin

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I think it was arsenic. Maybe cynanide...

Ahaha

You'd think so wouldn't you?

That's not even going into the whole thing about green dyes for clothing being made from arsenic as well I think and being uh

Literally fatal to wear?

Well done, Victorians.

Let me grab y'all a source for that one

https://youtu.be/K2McemVuG28

Here you go!

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh my god what the

Them victorians are so morbid

Did you know that they have a garden of poison

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Welcome to writing historical!

Yes I did

I wanna go

But yeah go back a century or two

Literally everything seems to be poisonous

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Arsenic, radium......damn they don’t follow WHMIS

carcarchu

wasn't even that long ago when they were putting mercury in everything

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Including NORMAL FOOD

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

And toys

Kids were playing with them

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Oh the Bradford Sweets Poisoning was a whole thing!

Hang on

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1858_Bradford_sweets_poisoning

This one is uh

Definitely worse

carcarchu

bruh

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeah

There's so much of this...

It's amazing humanity made it this far

So yeah that's what I've googled

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Would that...even fly here nowadays

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

What the arsenic

Nooope

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Hooooo god that is mildly terrifying

Like I make sweets for a living

I don’t even want to think how I’ll feel if I accidentally poisoned 200 people

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

It did lead to modern food hygiene laws and much better regulations on chemists being responsible for their supplies

But yep

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I remember someone telling me “Behind every rule/regulation was someone who got hurt or died”

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeahhhh

Sometimes also where there aren't rules because hahaha some companies are shit

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah it’s sucks and it’s even worse because you KNOW they’re just pushing the limits

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Capitalism has always been like that, it's just people can see it a bit more now

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah, the age of information has really exposed the nasty side of things huh Hmmm I think I’ve studied something really different for my webcomic. I was looking into the justice system and how it treated minors

And I had to look up burn victims/homicides soooooooooooo

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Whoops sorry for the ping, I thought you said mirrors not minors and was gonna ask

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh god that would be....completely different

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I'm writing about vampires, mirrors are more common (concept and word)..

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yes! I think it’s because back in the day silver was used in mirrors and that’s why you can’t see a vampire’s reflection

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

weirdest thing I searched so far is about er the male modeling industry and how they have to slap cheeks and junks to get the body to fill in clothing

and I wondered "do I need to do a deep dive in this or"

Nutty (Court of Roses)

I tried to look up what damaged vocal cords looked like, so i could show it when Count Bailey got poisoned, but I mostly got body camera shots inside a person's throat, so I had to largely wing it by darkening the veins in his neck lol Other than that, I have to look up Irish slang a lot, as Merlow slips into it more when he gets drunk.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I have a twittee thread somewhere about mirrors and vampires

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Okay tuyetnhi I’m a bit more...disturbed yet intrigued by that idea. Nutty yes I noticed that! I liked that small detail actually And Eilidh, i would love to see that twitter thread

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Yeah, I ended up making a deep dive and ho boi

it's darker than I expected LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I tried to look up people getting crushed by cars or falling objects but the videos were very blurry and made me dizzy so I just went fuck it my comic's not realistic anyways I'm winging it

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Probably an extensive search for all things occult? Its such a wide topic so it was daunting to sift through everything, but also really cool to see so many different cultures have been influenced by such things! Ive read some excerpts about the sixth sense and human capabilities too, very interesting!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!) That is the most splendidly weird research I have heard of

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I was trying to research for one of my characters and i'm just

the things they do

I scream everyday

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lol tuyetnhi got me to look it up but all I can find is stuff about sexual assault

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

that's what I mean

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Whoa okay

That’s really dark

Like I had to look up abuse relations

DanitheCarutor

Oh geez, I've looked up a lot of stuff. Recently I Googled public bathrooms and backs of toilets because I'm too lazy to get up and look at my own toilet. SAECKs/SAKs, the price with and without insurance, how it works and if men can use them. (Which was kinda sad that I didn't know they could although the resource was surprisingly hard to find, all except one link I found were about women using them.) I've looked up medical stuff like the different stages of certain cancers, their symptoms, treatments and other things involves like their effect on the person's mental health, if things like physical therapy is needed and the effects of the treatment along with the types of treatment needed. Also the cost with and without insurance, as well as cancer treatment facilities for people with low income. Various mental illnesses/disorders, the different types treatment, the effects of the treatment, as well as cost and facilities that offer free/cheaper treatment for people with low income. Lactose intolerance, celiac disease, gaslighting, trauma brought on by abuse. Things like the mental effects of children taking on adult responsibilities early on, growing up with lack of stability and human trafficking. Types of physical abuse that doesn't leave obvious bruising/scarring, psychological abuse (outside of gaslighting). Court stuff, like legal charges for attempted murder, court procedures. Caregiver programs for family members caring for someone with a severe mental illness. What actions are taken when someone files a charge for being drugged against their consent and the steps that need to be taken if your ID and credit cards/debit cards have been stolen, as well as what the police need do in those situations. Gosh, I can go on and on, just go on forever about all the things I've researched.

Most of it is medical and mental health related.

I feel this is fitting for some of the subjects we've Googled.

DanitheCarutor

Wow, I didn't realize how much I looked at the cost of stuff. Like a good chunk of my research has been dedicated to what different insurances cover, how much, the base price without insurance and payment plans for people in the latter category. I guess the upside is I'll have some knowledge on the different insurance companies if I ever get to a point where I can get it, as well as payment plan options if I'm ever hospitalized.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Googling images of cadaver hands for reference was... not a pleasant experience

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Most recently I was looking for heart dissections. I had to take a break cuz I was making myself feel sick X')

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Searching up burn victims was not fun either

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

also this has made me realize that artists can be a very morbid bunch

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeah like dang ya'll lmao

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I know someone who had to look up (a bit gory) "can you strangle/hang someone with your intestines"

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Chances are the audience is not gonna know either so

dunno how much accuracy matters in this situation :p(edited)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I mean....unfortunately I know what it's like to see a drowned corpse So if it's accurate....I would...strangely appreciate it more?

Like you never know your audience

DanitheCarutor

When I was first starting to dabble in comics I was attempting this dark fantasy/mythology-ish story that would have some gore. I looked up stuff like "skull being crushed", "what does 'x' limb look like when being ripped off", "what does a corpse look like after sitting for 'x' many days". Most of my searched led me to the Best Gore site, which is totally recommended if you need references for your gory horror comic, but is NOT a site for the faint of heart. You will most likely get sick from the content... and the comment section.

Oddly enough, when I used to do the occasional stand alone gore-ish illustration I'd get 1-2 comments with people being grateful for the accuracy. It's... interesting that they would know what would and wouldn't be accurate with stuff like that.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh, I looked up burn victims before.... Yeah, I've looked up a lot of weird stuff.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I had to look up fresh and healed burnscar myself for a comic, a character survivived a housefire.

Most of the time I am googling history actually - and mostly tech-levels of a given time and what was contemporary with what - guns and knights for example co-existed for quite a few decades, that kind of stuff.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Y'know I'm thinking about it more, and I'm realizing why I can't recall the weird stuff I've looked up. I usually ask people for information! I know a lot of different kinds of people who are more than happy to talk about their experiences, so I can ask them for first hand experience with a lot of situations where I then don't really need to look up much other than to maybe fill some holes I have. It's a different kind of research

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Huh, the weirdest thing I’ve googled? Well, there’s the ever-uncomfortable ‘Googling certain body types for reference but probably looking like a creep to anyone who looks at my search history’. I’ve also googled very oddly specific things like ‘What is a 5-cube called?’ (It’s a pentaract). I’ve also watched videos that demonstrate how a bump key works, and to my FBI agent, I swear it was only for my comic. My search history gets pretty eclectic. I look up a lot of religious lore, and do lot of research into medieval times - mostly about the daily life of the average peasant. Also things like quantum physics, customs in other countries, and animal facts.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Just realizing that I once researched "medieval brewing." That was an interesting train of information.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

For a lot of gruesome or dangerous scenes, I try to aim the search toward movies and TV screencaps. Like, if you need to draw a crashing car, find a series with a dramatic car chase where they slammed a stunt car into a wall in high-def slow-mo.

kayotics

I think the weirdest thing I looked up was trying to figure out the answer to the question “is the gas released by decomposing bodies flammable? And if so how much gas do you need?”

eli [a winged tale]

now I’m curious what’s the answer

kayotics

The answer ended up being that if there was enough gas being created it was probably not enough to be flammable: aka it would not light up the room.

I ended up asking a friend who knows more about decomposition to figure out the answer, but I just wanted to make sure if a character brought a torch into a musty murder basement, it wouldn’t light them up like a Christmas tree

Mostly: it gets smelly and stale

eli [a winged tale]

Good to know!

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Hmm I think the wierd thing I looked up was whether Smile Therapy was a real practice? There are Photos too and I have a feeling it was real. Another thing I look up was; How would a real lady pirate dress in historical times? I did alot of extra research for some little visual hints.(edited)

I feel like Mob psycho nailed the creepiness of Smile Therapy because they were patients forced to pretend to smile, that's what I envision each time. That ep stayed with me(edited)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oh my god

Miranda

What is that picture from?? it's creepy haha(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

mob psycho 100

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

smile therapy is terrifying. Imagine getting punished if you didn't smile

in the end you'll be smiling as a conditioned reaction to fear, not because it's genuine

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Yes exactly, the original one was hard to record so the Google was ambiguous about its existence but there's photo proof that it was a thing

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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nohr-and-thirst · 5 years

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(This post is going to talk about Triggering subjects. Please be cautious when reading.)

I’m always going to have a soft spot for Osamu Dazai from BSD. He was one of the first anime character I related too. He was one of the first anime characters I really fell in love with. He helped me realize that what I went through wasn’t okay. That I can get better. He showed me that I can get better. That life can get better. That I am allowed to use humor to cope with bad things in my life with humor. Osamu was one of the first anime characters that showed me I can be human again.

I was into BSD at around 2015, however I only started the anime summer of 2016. I remember when and the exact time. August 8, 2016 at around 6:34 pm. I just came back from a forced vacation with my family. It was a week of hell. Being misgender, my depression going crazy, and my eating disorder acting up. When I got home, I mentally had enough. I didn’t think I can keep going like this. I told myself, “this is it. This is where all my pain ends.” I always suffered with depression, anxiety, and the likes. Yet for some reason, my brain told me, “after you watch this anime. We read the manga, might as well watch the anime before time is up.”

I fell in love with BSD, but more specifically I fell in love with Osamu Dazai. When Osamu is first seen floating down the river, my first thought was “oh my god, they kept this scene in. I know he is okay, but still!” I don’t know about you guys, but almost drowning to death was pretty painful for me. Throughout season one, I just fell more and more in love with him. He was someone that understood me, and made feel good about myself. However, he also made me realize that my depression is something serious.

After season one ended, I grew really in love with the cast, mostly Osamu at the time, and just wanted to find an excuse to stay a live a little longer so I can know more about him.

So I started reading the manga again. You OG BSD fans remember reading it on sites like EGScans and MangaSoul? Than there was the light novels, and I went crazy looking for places to read them at. First one I read was Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam, and guess who was just digging himself a hole to a deeper hell of the BSD fandom?

Osamu has been a character I can relate to, and feel somewhat better for myself. Heck I been saying since 2016 that Osamu is non-binary cause he refers to himself using “watashi”. He made me feel better at the fact I am LGBT+.

Whenever someone says that Osamu is their favorite character, I get happy! I love meeting people with the same favorites as me, and this was just so nice!

Osamu Dazai is and will forever be a character I love. He helped me out so much in the past, and helps me even now. I hope with BSD Season Three new and old fans can appreciate him as much as I do!!!

#this post took two weeks to make #and i want to say more #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #mor rambles #mor talks #my f/os #my f/o #romantic f/os #romantic f/o

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nyanzaya · 5 years

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@if-that-so inquired: 💋💖💄👓🔫🔮🎤🎪🍸🍯🍰⛄⏳💐⚾🌊🌵🍒🐝💳👠👻💉🃏😊🙁 tbh i want to ask all... And also, there are some i already know but i just want to make sure 😘

oc questions

💋 What traits do they like in other people? What traits do they not like?

Iza: The traits Iza likes in other people is intellect? He likes smart people, but he also doesn’t like smart people. He loves people who are a little gullible/inattentive because he would take advantage of it in small ways to get what he wants. Direct people are his favorite but also his bane because he hates to be put in the spotlight when they call things/point things out.

Zuo: Zuo likes when someone is laid back, fun and just a calming presence to be around. The traits he dislikes are: Deceptive, dishonest, indecisive and of course provoking in terms of trying to rile him up and get him angry

💖 Do they have a significant other? If so, who?

In their canon they were significant others; but things happened and now they are broken up even though under the sheets they still want to be together. You could say that they are still significant others but if they find anyone else to be with instead of each other then they let each other go. In a way you could say Zuo and Iza are still significant others with each other but as of right now they don’t have a significant other-- (and if i were to make this blog single ship I think I might make them significant others again but it would be like wild af)

💄 Do they care about their physical appearance? What’s their routine like?

Iza: He cares a lot about how he looks. From how his hair is style to the make up he has on. He wants to look the best and be the “best in show” Often, he is asleep during the day but whenever he does wake up he washes his face, fixes his hair to look well-kept and then he puts on eyeliner and depending, mascara. The eyeliner is always a cateye. He has a bunch more make up but he stays with the simple stuff because he feels that if you put too much you’re just ruining how you look, then he makes sure his nails are well-kept and manicured so if he’s not sleeping or working he will be tending to his nails

Zuo: He doesn’t care that much about how he looks? All he cares about is looking presentable and then going about his business. He doesn’t care for “looking the best” if anything he’d just want to look cool even if he doesn’t wear anything that’s flashy. Zuo does style his hair to hide his ears but sometimes they perk up from under his hair and it’s super cute

👓 Do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

Iza: I MEAN. He doesn’t have any physical disabilities but for mental-- like PTSD then yes lol. MMmh I guess hypersomnia because he is constantly and I mean cooonstantly sleeping even though it’s more like naps(like 16-24 hours at least) Anxiety and depression too.

Zuo: He doesn’t have any physical disabilities and for mental it’s almost the same as Iza’s except he doesn’t have hypersomnia. With what they both lived through, they would have these types of mental disorders but they ARE NOT diagnosed for it

🔫 What would they die for? Kill for?

Both of them would die to help their kin be free from servitude and they’d kill for it too. Iza already does kill for it, but Zuo tries not too. Though, unlike Iza, Zuo would kill and die for his significant other(whether it’s Iza or not), but Iza would kill for his significant other even if it means he kills them or someone else lmfao

🔮 Do they have any magical powers or abilities? If it’s a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

I think there has to be some magic because well, tbh the world is based around drrr and there’s supernatural creatures like faeries and demons so it wouldn’t surprise me if there was even a little bit of magic but, Iza and Zuo don’t have any magical powers or abilities. Iza isn’t exactly religious but the religion he follows is the religion of a cat god who was almost entirely erased from the world and sometimes when he refers to “God” he refers to her, but he does reference the christian God quite a bit and might have a bit of a god complex because he preaches for people to “Turn yourself into God and you won’t ever be killed.” Now ZUO WELL, I think he actually is religious but he is not a devote follower. I think he follows the same religion as Iza with the cat god but he isn’t a devote follower of Her, he prefers to keep religion and things like that to himself. Where Iza and Zuo differ between the religion is Iza says She is a vengeful and cruel god who wants to punish all who have hurt her children or kittens(As in her followers), while Zuo says she’s a benevolent God who wants to fix the things she had done wrong. Iza and Zuo don’t talk about religion to each other often because they could never agree.

🎤 Do they play any instruments?

Neither of them play instruments, unless you count singing as an instrument then Iza sings! Zuo would get frustrated with instruments but if he did play he would probably play drums

🎪 What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

Iza: The ferris wheel so he can look down on all the people because he loves to feel superior and better than them :sob:

Zuo: A big crazy roller coaster because he would love to feel the wind and the rush of adrenaline

🍸 How do they act when they’re drunk?

Iza: He’s honestly? Really emotional when he’s drunk? Lol like, he really easy to influence too and just the littlest things would make him burst into tears like LOL oh god if he saw something really cute he’d just “Oooh~ MY GODS-- That’s the cutest..i--eeeeoh my gooooood” Like Iza please...dont cry because of a really cute looking puppy or kitten lol

Zuo: I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT FOR ZUO BUT I THINK HE WOULD BE THE CALM FUNNY CUDDLE TYPE OF DRUNK.

🍯 Which era of history would they most like to live in?

Iza: I think he’d want to live in like, oh gosh probably the future tbh?

Zuo: He’d want to live in the era with kings and queens because he was a royal knight and he misses his king :(

🍰 What’s their favorite food?

Iza: He loves horse meat? I don’t know why

Zuo: I think Fugu because he isn’t afraid to get poisoned by a fish

⏳ How do they feel about death?

Iza: Iza finds death to be a beautiful thing? I don’t think he really...idolizes it... because in his head its “You’re not really dying, you are being transformed into something else.” which like, okay Iza. I mean I GUESS. and he says that you don’t ever actually die, you get reincarnated as something else to learn a new lesson

Zuo: For real Zuo doesn’t like death, hates death, and wishes it never existed because he can remember his past lives and how he died and what he hates most about it is: coming back and having to figure everything out again and finding Iza/his soulmate and convince them that “We are destined to be together, please, believe me you don’t remember but I do.” and YEAH HE GETS REALLY SAD ABOUT IT

💐 Do they collect anything? What’s their most prized possession?

Iza: Iza collects plush toys because he feels comforted whenever he has one. His prized possession has to be his collar because he got that from his first master? And he’s had it ever since? He wears it literally all the time, partly because one he kinda misses his first? And second to deter people from taking him

Zuo: I don’t think Zuo has ever collected anything? Not from what I can recall but his most prized possession has to be the glasses he wears because he got that from his mom because she didn’t want him to be unable to see just how colorful the world actually is (they are both colorblind)

⚾ Do they play any sports?

Iza: He doesn’t play any sports? But I mean if you count hunting small animals and occasionally people as a sport then yeah he does LOL

Zuo: He plays whatever sport he can, though his favorites are soccer and football, mostly football for really obvious reasons

🌊 What one place do they really want to visit and why?

Iza: France! Because he wants to visit Paris since he heard it’s the city of love

Zuo: Germany! He wants to see the castles and try the food

🌵 What languages do they speak?

Iza: English, German, Japanese

Zuo: English, French, Japanese

🍒 What are some items they always carry? What weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

Iza: He always has his pocket knife, but he’s very reluctant on using it because he would rather talk with words than get physical and fight(Unless it’s Zuo then he will fight Zuo), wallet, needles because he can hit puncture points really well when he’s fighting/hunting

Zuo: This white envelope that holds his catnip cigarettes that he rolls himself, his sunglasses and wallet

🐝 What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

Iza: He would fit in that…. Drifter or an Outsider clique? The one kid that goes around and comes off as a social butterfly but is just fine on their own and is also the one that ends up knowing literally everyone else's business while no one knows his.

Zuo: I think he would be a jock lmfao just, obvious reasons? To burn off steam and because he wants attention

💳 What one thing that they don’t need do they waste the most money on?

Iza: Oh gosh...he wastes money on a lot of things ...like he doesn’t need make-up but “Bitch I need my eye liner and blush.” and strawberry milk because “Shut up! I like it, I desire it, and I will have it.” and plush toys because “It makes me feel GOOD.” And designer knives because “I just think they are neat and I want it for my collection.” Like, someone stop him

Zuo: Hmm for Zuo? I don’t think he really spends his money-- but sometimes he’d impulsive buy weird things like slippers that look like bread? Or weird figurines lol it’s so hard to say accuse there’s a lot of weird things xD But if it looks interesting and funny he’d buy it, it dont even matter what it is

👠 What kind of shoes do they wear?

Iza: Iza has a lot of shoes he wears? Like he’ll wear heels(Like any type of heel) sometimes but most of the time I think he wears slip-ons, sneakers and slippers and if he’s dressed up he’d wear derby.

Zuo: He’s so easy and simply: Sneakers. Slip-ons, slippers

👻 Do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

For both of them, yes! I think Iza is kind of skeptical about it but Zuo insists aliens and ghosts are real. Iza is more into the occult than Zuo, like witchcraft and magic because he wants it to be real

💉 Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue?

Iza: Lust for his sin and oh god… for a heavenly virtue uhm…. Hope or Fortitude

Zuo: Wrath for his sin and for his heavenly virtue it’s Justice or Temperance

🃏 If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

Iza: Death because it represents major transformation and new beginnings, and transformation, passage, and change. Another one would be The Moon(symbolizes illusion and deception, and therefore often suggests a time when something is not as it appears to be. Perhaps a misunderstanding on your part, or a truth you cannot admit to yourself) and The Devil(symbolizes ambitions and is also synonymous with temptation, addiction, and depression)

Zuo: The World because it represents that things have come full circle, a journey has been completed, and a long-term project has come to an end. Another one for him would be The Sun(symbolizes positive energy, joy of living and enthusiasm) and The Hanged Man(symbolizes trial or meditation, selflessness, and sacrifice)

😊 What do they consider to be their best quality? What actually is their best quality?

Iza: He would say his best quality is his charm. His actual best quality is how tactful he can be, let alone romantic

Zuo: He would say his best quality is how brave he is. His actual best quality is how self-confident he is in himself

🙁 What do they consider to be their worst quality? What actually is their worst quality?

Iza: He would say his worst quality is how lazy/procrastinating he gets. His worst quality has to be how vainful and superficial he can actually be, let alone him using it to manipulate situations to get what he wants.

Zuo: He would say it’s his outbursts of anger, but actually his worst quality impulsive behavior because he just does it...he doesn’t think about it

#I FINALLY FINISHED IT #tysm for sending this<3 #Headcanons #About Iza #About Zuo #if-that-so

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