#okay real talk

[wandasaura]

give us prof wanda NOW😡🥺

—🧚🏻‍♀️

so y'all want me to fail my history assignment 🤨

[zeemczed-blog]

I'm here for a giant mechanical friend? One worth getting neural implants so we can really get to know each other.

Implants? Jeez, I just use a standard issue neurohelmet. But hey, you do you, friendo.

Here, have a Cataphract. The Little Big Frankenmech that Could.

[incorrectjane-andthedragon]

Sailing Home: A fic. The final part of The Mysterious Message series.

The runes of the letter are never translated on-page, because none of the pov characters were around for that. It was just a normal letter talking about basic life things and the mountains of Kippernia. Nothing plot important. 

Also at some point, James’s family came to collect the skeleton.

Anyway, enjoy!

Gunther awoke to the sensation of being aboard a gently rocking ship. 

No! Father’s going to kill me for oversleeping! I have to- 

The memories came back as he blinked himself awake. The hidden letter written in runes. His father, possibly not his father. His mother’s family. The pirates.

He grunted, finding himself bound and gagged, left on the floor of what appeared to be a captain’s quarters. 

The captain’s going to want to see this one. 

Gunther shut his eyes and began to pray. He didn’t get very far before the door opened and someone entered the room. 

It was a short, heavyset man dressed in simple dark clothing. From what Gunther could see in the light now filtering in the room- it was early morning now- he had short black hair, a wispy mustache, light brown skin and eyes. Gunther might have found him rather handsome, was he not currently holding him hostage. 

The man turned to face Gunther, and he saw that he had a gold ring piercing his lower lip. It was slightly off-center, like a fang poking out from his mouth. 

Fang. 

“Good morning.” Fang said calmly. His voice was raspy, and more higher-pitched than Gunther had expected. “Sleep well?” 

Gunther thrashed against his bindings and gag. Smug bastard. 

Fang squatted down and removed the gag. 

“I am a knight of Kippernia.” Gunther panted. “You’ll be imprisoned for life for this.” 

Fang raised his thick eyebrows slightly. “That explains the sword. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly safe.” Fang pointed, and Gunther saw out of the corner of his eye his sword resting on the captain’s desk. 

“If you’re going to kill me, Captain Fang, I suggest you do it now. I won’t divulge anything.”

Fang shrugged. “I don’t plan on killing you. I need you alive, at least for one more day. Most likely less.” 

“That sounds very much like you plan on killing me.” 

“Well, I do not. Because we need to make a deal.” Gunther half-expected Fang to say those words the way Magnus would, with infuriating smugness, but he said them quite calmly. “I need to keep you aboard my boat for just a little while longer. Once I no longer need you, you can go on your merry way if you so choose. But I will only release you if you promise to never tell anyone anything about me or my crew.” 

“I am so sick of making deals like this!” Gunther burst out, reminded of Magnus and exhausted to the bone from the nonstop emotions of the past few days. 

Fang raised his eyebrows again. “I am sorry to hear that. But don’t worry.” There was a knock at the door.  “This will be over soon.” 

Gunther felt his heart begin to pound. Something important was about to happen. 

Fang opened the door. 

“Here he is.” He said, letting the woman in the room. 

It’s bad luck to have women on a ship. Gunther thought stupidly as she walked towards him. 

“What’s your name?” The woman asked. She was dressed in similar simple clothing as Fang, her only decoration was a red necklace wrapped around her throat. 

“Gunther.” He said. 

“Last name?” 

He inhaled slowly, looking the woman in the eyes. He could’ve sworn he’d seen her eyes before. She looked like she could be related to him. 

“Breech.” 

The air in the room stilled as the woman’s eyes widened. 

Fang lunged for Gunther. He cried out and ducked his head , expecting an attack, but found that his ropes were being sawed off by Fang’s dagger. 

Fang was laughing incredulously now, gasping something about luck and blessings and impossibility. 

Gunther felt his ropes hit the floor, and shot to his feet, only to find himself in the woman’s crushing embrace. It was an embrace he had not felt for a very long time. It was an embrace he never thought he’d feel. 

The embrace of a mother. 

“I don’t understand,” Gunther sobbed. “How is this possible?” 

“Magnus tried to kill me.” She breathed. He nodded. “I believe he saw me one night with Fang when he stopped on shore,” Gunther nodded again. “And tried to kill me and left me to drown in the sea. Fang, returning to his boat, found me and saved me.” 

Tears were dripping down her face now. He wanted to wipe them away. 

“I wanted to come back for you so badly. But I was so wounded, and he was so wealthy, it was so dangerous. Fang promised he’d help me get revenge and get you back. We’ve been sailing ever since, trying to track Magnus alongside Fang’s other pursuits.” 

Piracy, she means. Gunther thought, but was far too happy to care. 

He hugged her again. “Magnus is in the castle dungeon now. Last night he was being tortured by your own father.” 

She gasped. Fang’s jaw also dropped.

Someone knocked at the door. 

“Is it urgent?” Fang shouted. 

“No, Captain.” 

“Then please leave me be, I am busy!” 

“Yes, Captain.” 

Fang leaned against the wall, looking very attentive. His mother stared at him. 

He told them everything. The letter, Jane, Dragon, the brawl, the arrival of his-their- family. 

“And then your men took me aboard this ship.” He finished. He wiped some tears off of his cheeks. 

Fang nodded. “Most of them know I was helping look for you. Some joined the crew purely to spite Magnus for how he’d treated them when they were a part of his crew. One of them must have recognized you, or at least the resemblance you two have.” He indicated Gunther’s mother. 

“Speaking of that, do you remember how I told you that Magnus could never shake the feeling that I was a bastard?” Gunther looked to Fang, who now looked serious. “Is that a possibility? Could I be your son?” He fought to keep his voice from trembling. 

Fang and his mother exchanged glances. 

“No.” Fang said gently. “I’m afraid that’s impossible.” 

Gunther nodded slowly. “What makes you say that?” 

“He is infertile.” His mother said.

“I am not infertile-” Fang said at the same time. 

They both fell silent and exchanged glances again. 

“Why-” His mother said. 

“They have female knights now.” Fang said softly. “Female knights.” 

His mother nodded.

Fang turned back to Gunther. “I was born a woman, but I became a man to survive at sea when my family died and I had no other choice. Everybody calls me he or sir and I love it that way. Not all of my crew knows, but those who do know they’d best respect me or they’d walk the plank.” 

And that was that. 

Jane will love to hear that. He thought, feeling a little happy for her. But the rest of him felt crushed. 

The idea that he might not have been Magnus’s son had lifted him up, given him hope. He hadn’t admitted it, but he’d wanted to believe that he wasn’t poisoned by Breech blood, that his true father could have been someone good and kind and true. 

But no. He was stuck with the same wretched father he’d always had. 

He was suddenly filled with the urge to ask Fang if he could join his crew, to change his name and sail away to a new land where he could live a life free of his past. 

But leaving his past behind would mean leaving it all behind. 

He would never spar with Jane again. Never taste Pepper’s cooking. Never overhear Smithy’s conversations with Pig. Never hear the king’s boisterous laughter. Never see the gentle twinkle of Sir Theodore’s eyes. Never see the content smile that appeared on Rake’s face when he gardened. A million more things came to his mind, things he’d leave behind. 

“Mother?” 

“Yes?” 

“Will you come back? Your family should be at the castle now, and I live there now.” 

She hesitated. 

“I will ask the king to pardon Fang. King Caradoc is a merciful man. If he promises to give up piracy, maybe he’ll let him go free. There will be restrictions, and negotiations, but it may work.” 

There was a long pause. Fang and his mother looked at each other. 

“Mother, please.”

He was sent outside while they discussed things. It made him feel like a child again. He also felt like a child due to having to work on a ship. 

But he was no longer a child, and was thus allowed to do more adult work now. He did it without being asked, just to feel like he was doing something. 

He thought the pirates would be curious about him, but due to his usefulness they hardly batted an eye. When they stared at him, it was mostly just to make sure he didn’t mess up. 

After well over an hour, Fang and his mother emerged from the captain’s quarters onto the deck. 

“ATTENTION!” Fang bellowed. “MAGNUS BREECH HAS BEEN ARRESTED!” 

A riotous cheer erupted over the deck. 

“LISTEN UP MEN, BEFORE YOU START POURING OUT DRINKS. NOW THAT HIS FORMER WIFE HAS LESS TO FEAR, SHE HAS EXPRESSED A DESIRE TO RETURN TO HER LOVED ONES ON LAND. I MAY EVEN JOIN HER THERE, BUT THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.” 

The cheering died down. 

“You mean you won’t be our captain anymore, sir?” Mulby asked incredulously. 

Fang nodded gravely. 

There were several gasps. A discontent murmur began to spread. Several of the pirates looked around as if they’d never seen the ship before, seeming lost. 

“I don’t know if I’ll leave you yet,” Fang was starting to sound choked up. “But if I do, promise me you won’t do anything stupid, all right? Live your lives well.”

There were several we promises and aye captains, and more chatter began. 

They had not sailed very far away from Kippernia to begin with, so the trip back to land was quick. The whole time was spent working, and singing sea shanties, and Gunther overheard a lot of the pirates reminiscing of their time with  Fang and his wife. It was so touching he found himself tearing up. That’s how he knew he was beyond exhausted. The first thing he was doing when this was over was sleeping for six hours or more. 

“So, how have you been?” His mother asked, having sidled up next to him without him noticing as he tied a knot. 

“I’ve been…well, living with Magnus was difficult, as you can imagine. But I’m a knight now. I have a mentor, and- the way some of the pirates talk about Fang remind me of how I feel about him.” 

“Tell me everything.” 

So he did. 

“Fang, sir, as long as you stay calm, I think this will go better.” 

“You are right.” Fang swallowed hard. “How do I look?” 

“Like a plainly-dressed pirate.” 

“Really? It’s that obvious?” 

“Yes. I cannot make any promises, but King Caradoc is a merciful man. Behave yourself and keep your promises, and you won’t have to worry about being arrested in Kippernian waters.” 

“It’s not just King Caradoc I’m scared of.” 

“Yes, my mother’s family is a little mad, but do not anger them and you will live.” 

“Gunther’s right. Now come on, it’s a long way to the castle from here.” 

“GUNTHER!” Jane screamed. 

He was swarmed as soon as he stepped onto castle grounds.

“You’re back! You’re ALIVE!” Rake cried.

“Guess who is not alive?” Jested exclaimed with disturbing glee.

“WHAT?” 

“Magnus died this morning. His wounds got infected.” 

“YES!” Fang exploded, punching the air. 

“I’m sorry, who is this?” Sir Theodore asked, having walked over in all the commotion.

“That’s-um.” 

Fang took it with surprising stride. “Hello, you probably know me as Fang, and this is my wife-” 

Someone else screamed, and soon Gunther was being crushed by his aunt’s embrace again. Multiple people were sobbing with joy and relief. 

Gunther had never been more tired or tearful, but he’d also never been more relieved. 

Over a Week Later.

“Goodbye!” Gunther shouted as they boarded the ship. “I will write! I’ll practice our runes!” 

“Bye!” His cousin shouted, leaning over and waving. 

He, his mother, and Fang watched the boat sail away. She sighed heavily. 

“I know,” Fang said heavily. “But you don’t have to worry about your letters being intercepted anymore.” 

She nodded. “And my son and lover are here. I have no reason to leave Kippernia anytime soon.” 

Gunther smiled. “Neither do I.”

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

[allskywalkerswhine]

in fics where luke gets plopped into the prequels i want every jedi within ten metres of him to think hes the weirdest jedi theyve ever seen. he has negative lightsaber form. he doesnt know what a kata is. he handstands when he meditates. his solution to sith is to try and have a chat. hes a political radical who keeps suggesting revolution. you ask him what the jedi code is and he says "kindness and compassion and helping those in need :) ". you ask how he used the force like that and he says some shit about how you are a luminous being limited only by your mind. the councils authority is just a suggestion. he is somehow the new favourite of both qui gon and yoda

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

while we wait.

may i offer you all a pubby?? lil bby barns?

[lyril]

you don't get it okay... you don't understand......... .

[inkskinned]

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

[obsob]

making and weaving and loving! like we have done for millennia!!

[cowboysmp3]

i love how like nobody really talks about the possessions in ace attorney. spirit mediums and possession and lowkey magic just exists in ace attorney and nobody talks about it. there’s LOTS people make posts about that detail the craziest things abt ace attorney and nobody is like oh yah spirit mediums and possession is like a huge part of the game series btw

[boxesblr]

replaying the clip of Cleo saying "etho doesn't take himself seriously at all, but he takes other people seriously. That's part of his charm" over and over again in my head. It's so clarifying to me

[kennyomegasweave]

1. Stiles left Beacon Hills to never return and left his jeep.

2. Derek saved his jeep and fixed everything. Stiles's dad flat out says Derek saved it after Stiles left and tried to fix it up. Stiles had it held together with duck tape but Derek put everything into fixing it, but it wasn't able to run perfectly.

3. In the 15 years since Stiles left to never return, it ended up in the junkyard because Derek couldn't fix it like he wanted to, but he wouldn't abandon it.

4. Eli, Derek's kid, would routinely steal it to piss Derek off.

5. After Derek died. Stiles's dad gave Eli the keys to the jeep and told him Derek had "complicated feelings about the Jeep" but it should definitely be Eli's.

So like Derek was in love with Stiles huh? Like he saved Stiles's jeep, when Stiles himself abandoned it. He tried to make it run smoothly and when he couldn't he kept it under a tarp at the junkyard to not be driven but not to be scrapped either. And then his son would regularly steal it solely to piss Derek off. Derek himself said it was just to make him mad. And then when Derek died, Sheriff Stilinski gave the keys to Eli and said he should have it and that Derek had "complicated feelings about the jeep" but it was Eli's. Derek was definitely in love with Stiles and I just.

[irishmammonagenda]

"Wow...Guess he really is asleep..." You whisper, the kazoo you had been playing in an attempt to wake the Avatar of Sloth up now safely in your pocket, lest Lucifer confiscate it again.

You poke Belphie's forehead with your pointer finger, then continue poking it, because it was fun. Still Asleep Belphie seems to hate this more than you attempting to play Vivaldi's Winter on the kazoo and failing miserably, seeing as his cowlike tail swings out, wraps around your leg and pulls you to the ground.

"ARGH! What?!" You barely have time to process before you're dragged up by the tail that's latched around your ankles and quite meanly (may you add), dropped on the bed. Belphie entraps you in a hug, and thankfully this time, doesn't crush your internal organs. How sweet! <3

"Go to sleep MC...." The demon mutters half awake for a moment before drifting back off again.

You try to reach for your kazoo, for the second time, Belphie's tail whips out gently at you. "Don't even think about it." He pouts, before his expression and breathing even out once more.

You might as well get comfortable, seeing as you were now trapped for what looks to be hours.

You can't even play your kazoo.

Why do your plans always backfire? :(

[yrsonpurpose]

#he's just like me fr

[god-of-this-new-blog]

What if the two worst guys in the whole world were madly in love with each other?

[kittyregime]

If you are a pro-Palestinian feminist of any kind, liberal or radical, and you are ignoring or somehow rationalizing/downplaying Hamas raping women and spitting on their bodies, please walk backwards off of a cliff.

Rape isn't resistance, fuck off. You don't care about "human rights". You want vengeance and bloodlust.