#one problem re: coping is that I think what would help a lot of times is being HELD but he doesn't really have any close relationships

[blujayonthewing]

I'm inserting a crisp dollar into the Thoughts About Felix machine, wondering:

What are his sleeping habits like?

What are his coping mechanisms?

He's granted three wishes. What's the fourth thing he would wish for?

How would you describe him, using only emoji?

me @ this ask

Left to his own devices he's naturally inclined to be crepuscular; in his home village it was normal for most people to sleep both in the middle of the night and the middle of the day (though a little longer at night), and for the day to start well before dawn and end well after dark. Since he's kind of a loner and drifter at the moment he can usually still get away with this kind of sleeping schedule even after having left home; people get the impression that he never sleeps, or must sleep really poorly, because he appears to be out wandering around at all hours, but really he's just splitting up his sleep. After spending so much time in human/ mixed cities he has gotten better at being able to adjust to only sleeping at night when needs be, but he gets noticeably sleepy around lunchtime if he's not getting naps in.

He's a pretty light sleeper, partly because his hearing is so sensitive; he likes to be cozy, and preferably somewhere very quiet and dark, but he can fall asleep fairly easily almost anywhere. I feel like I have a lot of OCs who routinely stay up way too late/ refuse to sleep or, like, sleepwalk, or are otherwise Bad At Sleep, but actually his sleep habits are generally pretty good, unusual circadian rhythm notwithstanding, lol.

YELLS IT'S GETTING SO LONG SORRY I AM INCAPABLE OF BREVITY SDFKJHDFKGJ

Coping mechanisms! Small scale/ acute: he fidgets a lot, chews on things. He's mostly gotten himself out of the habit of biting his nails by redirecting to other stuff (he goes through pencils a lot faster than he actually wears them out with use). A big go-to is seeking space to be alone, particularly somewhere high up; as a kid he used to climb trees a lot, and now in aboveground cities he spends a lot of time sitting on roofs.

For bigger/ more ongoing things... it depends. On the one hand, it can feel comforting to surround himself with people by spending time in places that feel crowded without being intimate, like markets or popular taverns, but it stresses him out if people can tell he's Going Through Something, so he ends up isolating a lot instead, or just hanging out with animals and avoiding people (pigeons aren't usually good enough at humanoid body language to pick up on and ask about anything short of an actual breakdown, for one thing, but on the other hand breaking down fully in front of animals still feels significantly less stressful than in front of other people, somehow). He hates talking about himself, and he really hates trying to explain his feelings, especially when he's already having a bad time, so he doesn't really get a lot of support even when he really needs it. He mostly doesn't Journal His Feelings with his sketch/ travel journal, but I think he's more inclined to do so at least a little bit when he's trying to cope with something just because he's got no other good outlet, much less someone he can actually talk to.

In terms of coping beyond the immediate 'managing the feelings' sense, he always wants to understand things as much as possible, so a big part of coping with anything is to try to learn everything about it he can. Like, not that this has happened to him but he's very much primed to be the guy whose loved one disappears/ is killed under suspicious circumstances which sets off a chain of events leading to his single-handedly unraveling some deep convoluted conspiracy-- you know? Something extremely upsetting and Deeply Weird happened to him before the campaign started, and now he's obsessed with making sense of it. Honestly, now that I'm writing this all out, I imagine his interest in studying people and body language and social nuances and motivations came at least partly from a way to cope with not understanding those things intuitively like other people seem to, and being really bad at performing social skills correctly himself 🤔

Lacing my fingers in front of my lips pensively. The wishes question is so intriguing. ...... okay. I have his three wishes. The unwished fourth wish is 'I wish for [people who left him for dead] to forget that I exist.'

the lad in emojis: 🥺🤫🐈👁👁👂🔍🍂💬❔

[peanutpinet]

hihi!! really love the mini nct-mafia universe that you’ve created 🥹 i was hoping if you could write jaemin next..i was thinking of jaemin being a little cold to others but only soft towards y/n (and of course jeno)..i’ll leave the plot up to you but i thought it’ll be cute if there’s a scene where y/n helps to undress jaemin to take care of him..so like angst/fluff/suggestive all blended in one! thank you and i’m sorry if it’s so specific 🥲🥲

Trauma - Mafia! Na Jaemin x Innocent! Fem Reader

A/N: Hi anon!! Thank you for requesting the fic! I actually was already planning to write for mafia Jaemin and since you requested him as well, it motivated me even more to write!

Also, apologies if I took way too long and if the story isn't how you actually want it to go but I do hope that you enjoy it as much as I wrote it. There are lots of heavy trigger warnings that you have to pay attention to!

Trigger Warning: trauma experience, character death (not MC), grief, revenge, murder, blood loss, torture (excessive), explosion. -> I'm sorry if this isn't all but I will try to update it in case I missed anything

Synopsis: Being the son of the famous Nam Goongmin came with a heavy price to pay for Jaemin. Though Taeyong managed to get Jaemin out of his father’s mafia business and helped him to heal, there was still some trauma that Jaemin had yet to face. Until he came across a girl that he would soon learn that he can't always run from his problems

Water to Fire. Winter to Spring. Sunshine to Rain. They were all opposites of each other yet people kept on saying that opposites then to attract one another. Jaemin had never believed such things until he saw his parents. His father was the ruthless mafia whereas his mother was a kindhearted school teacher. Despite their contradicting characteristics, they were like magnets and attracted each other in a good way just like sunshine and rain coming together to create a rainbow.

Though Jaemin knew that his father didn’t have the best job, being one of the most feared mafia in South Korea before NCT became a thing was a reputation that Jaemin had to live for years until his mother passed away; and not in a peaceful way.

Jaemin knew that with the amount of power and wealth his father had, came all the enemies as well. Enemies who either wanted his father dead for hundreds of different reasons. Murder. Fraud. Stealing. Jaemin didn’t know how far his father was in crime because his mother made sure that he wouldn’t have to see his father at one of the most gruesome scenes that might as well come from the action/thriller drama that he watched.

Sadly, those moments were all but just memories to Jaemin. Everything happened as quickly as his memories could remember. One sunny morning, the day before Jaemin’s 18th birthday, he was going off to school and the same evening he went back home, it started raining but he still went home smiling knowing that he got a perfect score on his biology test, a recommendation letter from all of his science teacher and that his mom promised that they would bake today.

But when he arrived at the front door, Jaemin knew that something was wrong. Quietly, Jaemin took off his shoes and took the nearest thing that he could use as a weapon and went in. Though Jaemin was sheltered from the gruesome life of his father, the old man actually taught him every self-defence technique he knew. From hand-to-hand combat to even using a gun, Jaemin knew it all. But what his father had not taught him was how to cope with his feelings or a life that he took with his own hands.

That day will forever haunt Jaemin’s memory as the day of his first kill, the day of his mother’s death, and the day that he knew that he was his father’s son. When Jaemin’s father came home that night, he was just as distraught as his son. Both instantly mourn the loss of their beloved wife and mother. It was the first time that Jaemin’s dad actually let Jaemin into the horrifying world that he lived in.

Out for revenge, Jaemin had no mercy for anyone who would prevent him or his father from getting back at the one who took the light out of their dark thoughts. But even when Jaemin finally got a taste of revenge. It didn’t satisfy him and instead, he quickly realised his actions before it was too late.

His mother taught him better. His mother always taught him to never hate anyone as most people who do evil things were also once good. So Jaemin did what he could do. Run. Jaemin ran away from all his dark side; his father.

Jaemin knew that no matter how far or fast he ran, his father would always find him. But it seemed that his mother must’ve sent some guardian angels because right as Jaemin was cornered by some of his father’s most trusted men, some other men came and saved Jaemin, killing his father’s men in the process.

It was that day did Jaemin joined Taeyong into NCT and became one of the core members of NCT. But unlike the other members who also have daytime jobs, Jaemin prefers to just stay at the base and stand by whilst studying medicine with Kun. Though Taeyong still forces Jaemin to go follow Jeno along because Jeno was one of the only members that Jaemin talks to and eventually Jeno manages to convince Jaemin to at least intern and later work in NCT’s hospital under Kun on the early morning of weekdays.

For the most part of Jaemin’s life in NCT, not once did he ever complain. Not once did Jaemin want something more like his friend Jeno who is a famous racer. Not once did Jaemin ever go against NCT’s leader, Taeyong, like sometimes Haechan did. Though Jaemin has become more social than his first year in NCT, Taeyong has yet to completely understand Jaemin.

In reality, Jaemin stayed with NCT because he hoped that one day if he were to have to face his father again, he would face him without being scared. After years of being with NCT and even becoming a surgeon in Neo Hospital under Kun, Jaemin slowly finds a new routine and he slowly finds that by helping other people, it relieves a part of him that remembers all the bad things his father had done towards multiple innocent people.

As days passed, Jaemin has slowly forgotten about meeting his father again. Instead, Jaemin wants to avoid having to meet his father ever again if it were possible. Jaemin was content with the life he has now and wants to continue to just live his life without the constant worry of having to deal with his father or the mess he made; at least, until a recent patient that he had to deal with.

It was in the middle of a weekend night, right when Taeyong suddenly dismissed him and told Jaemin to just go back home despite Taeyong just finished torturing a guy who kidnapped the intern for Neo-Tech and helped build the Satellite tracker.

But right as Jaemin was about to go back to his place, Jeno suddenly called him and said that there was a sudden accident right when he and his girlfriend were on their way home and some weird men were chasing an injured girl.

“I got no idea why they were chasing them but I figured to call you not only to help the girl but I also feel that you should know. Those weird men mentioned that they were under your father’s name” Jeno mentioned, making Jaemin stop in his tracks

“I’m on my way. I’ll call the nurse to handle it before I get there. Just drive to the emergency entrance” Jaemin replied, turning off his call with Jeno, going into his car and rushing to the hospital

Along the way, Jaemin called the nurse in his hospital and told them to go to the emergency room and help a girl that Jeno was bringing. Jaemin also told the nurse to ask for Kun to help before he arrived there.

Within minutes, Jaemin arrived at the hospital and immediately went to get changed and head to the surgery room. Before going in, Jaemin saw Jeno who was bloody with his girlfriend sitting by the entrance. “Jaem…” Jeno called out to his friend who was just about to head into the surgery room.

“You should take her home. I can handle it here” Jaemin replied but Jeno seemed hesitant. “Your girlfriend is practically asleep, Jen. You’re also covered with blood. Plus I’m not alone. Kun-hyung is here. Go” Jaemin reassured Jeno who stood up, carrying his sleeping girlfriend

“Call me if anything happens. I’m not just a member. I’m your friend, too” Jeno mentioned before Jaemin went into the surgery room

In the surgery room, Jaemin apologised to Kun for being late but Kun didn’t question him. “I’ll question you after the surgery. Jeno came in here bloody and said that you wouldn’t want anyone outside of NCT to know about this” Kun mentioned

“Probably for the best” Jaemin replied and immediately got to work with Kun

Because Jeno managed to stop the bleeding by using a cloth and putting pressure on it, Jaemin and Kun managed to stitch up the girl with no problem. But aside from the deep wound, Jaemin noticed that the girl also had several bruises all over her body, a cut lip, and even a few fractured bones.

After moving the girl into a secluded patient room, Kun and Jaemin went into Kun’s office where Kun made a cup of warm tea before getting into the talk. “I won’t tell Taeyong if you don’t want me to” Kun reassured Jaemin who has been quiet since the surgery

“She’s related to my father” Jaemin mentioned, making Kun stop drinking his drink and look at the younger one. “Not in a way that you would think. Jeno said that she was being chased by some men. When Jeno got to her, she was already bruised and everything. Jeno thought that he was just helping someone but didn’t realise until too late that the men were working for my father” Jaemin explained

“You know. You’re not really obligated to actually find out about her or her relationship with your father if you don’t want to. You can always just ignore her and think that you never met her” Kun mentioned. “I’m not saying that you should run away from your problems but…” Kun added but Jaemin stopped him

“I know that someday I’m going to have to face him again after all these years. If so, I might as well get it over with. Thanks hyung, but I’m going to try and find out and maybe face my father. All I ask is to not tell Taeyong-hyung about it until I’m sure that she truly has something to do with my father” Jaemin mentioned, leaving Kun to see the girl

Jaemin’s POV

Reaching the girl’s room, I went in and received an overview of her profile from Haechan. “You owe me big. Taeyong-hyung almost caught me for this”. Going over her profile, I noticed that the girl, (y/n) has gone through a rough childhood.

“3 different foster homes in the span of 20 years?! Geez. Either she was trouble or those foster homes are actually as shitty as I know” I thought to myself, glancing over (y/n) who was sweating and whimpering.

Turning off the screen to my tab, I walked closer. Grabbing a soft cloth, I started to wipe the sweat that was building up on her forehead until I was close enough to hear her whimpers.

“p-please…” (y/n) whimpered. “leave my mom alone. Let me go” (y/n) suddenly screamed, jolting from the bed

“Hey, hey, no one is going to hurt you” I mentioned, looking at (y/n) who was now sitting, her chest was going up and down faster than normal

“You’re alright but I would suggest you to rest again. Let’s put you to sleep again” I mentioned, coming closer but she flinched when my hand was just reaching her shoulders

Sighing, I pulled my hands away and tucked them into my pockets. “Look. I’m a doctor here. I’m not going to hurt you or anything. If I was going to hurt you, I’d done it already” I bluntly mentioned as (y/n) just eyed me from top to bottom

“Jaemin…” she read my nametag. “You look like him. I, I thought…” (y/n) finally said a sentence

“Who? Who do I look like? What were you thinking if I look like someone?” I asked but (y/n) didn’t utter another word. “Do I look like Nam Goongmin?” I asked, the name felt foreign that my voice cracked a bit but luckily, I got some kind of answer as (y/n) nodded

“You’ve met him before” I mentioned. It wasn’t a question

Another nod which made my next sigh rougher than the previous one. “Look, if you have anything to say to me regarding him, just tell me. Or if you know about him. Or if you’re involved with him. I’m not a mind reader” I rambled

“He mentioned your name before” (y/n) finally said something again but I didn’t cut her off. I wanted her to keep talking. “He mentioned that I reminded him of his son. How I wasn’t considerate and thankful that he helped me find a foster home b-but…” (y/n) started to cry

“He helped you look for a foster home? But why? Sorry for being blunt but I doubt that he would let himself get involved with someone like you unless you or someone you know is involved with him” I mentioned

“H-he, he killed my dad and then my mom. He killed them because they worked for him but eventually cut ties with him” (y/n) cried, probably remembering the dark times she had to face

“What do you remember?” I asked, handing a clean cloth for her to wipe her tears

“My dad was his colleague. He helped supply the things that Nam Goongmin couldn’t easily get his hands on. But when I reached a certain age, my dad just cut ties with him” (y/n) added

“Were you home when your parents were killed?” I asked and (y/n) nodded

“My parents hid me, along with files of Nam Goongmin. Files that if they were to be released to the public, would ruin everything that he had built” (y/n) replied, perking up my interest

“When was the last time you saw him?” I asked, wanting to know more

“Months ago. He found me while I was working at a convenience store late at night. I didn’t know who he was at first until he brought up my parents’ name” (y/n) replied. “At first, he didn’t ask the files. He just told me about his history with my dad which honestly shocked me. I was so scared that he would do something to me but instead, he just left”

“But you mentioned that you were in foster homes? Did you run away?” I asked

“Ever since my parents passed away, which was when I was 14, I was put in an adoption center but turns out I was put into foster homes. At first, I didn’t notice anything strange until one night in my first foster home, I heard him again. I ran away after finding out. I was then put into another foster home at 15 but it was the same thing. I found out they were associated with him and ran away. The last one was the most brutal one. They didn’t sugarcoat anything and I was treated like a slave until I told them where I hid the file. When I saw a chance, I ran away once again. I managed to hide from them for the past 2 years because I ran away by the time I reached 18 years old and started working part-time in a few places. Up until now at least” (y/n) ended her story

“So, where did you actually hide the files then?” I asked as (y/n) just looked at me

“Don’t you think it’s only fair that I ask you after explaining to you, not knowing if I can trust you or not” (y/n) mentioned

“Nam Goongmin…he’s my father” I mentioned, shocking (y/n)

The next morning rolled around quicker than I wanted. I ended up not going back home and stayed in (y/n)’s room since I was the one who booked her the VIP room. While (y/n) was sleeping, I checked on all the files that Haechan sent me just to double-check her background because she could be lying and actually working with my father.

Jeno came along with Renjun and Haechan, bringing something for me to eat which I realised that I hadn’t eaten anything since the surgery the other night. The four of us sat in my office as I told them about what happened the other night.

“So her story and what Haechan sent you checked out? She’s not lying?” Renjun asked, munching on the burger that he bought upon coming to the hospital

“As far as I read the background. Yeah. Unless you have something else up your sleeve, Haechan?” I asked, looking over to him who was stuffing his face with french fries

“That’s all I found. And I’ve used the big bois. Perks of having parents that used to be in the mafia I supposed. Can manipulate what information would be put out there well until they were dead at least” Haechan shrugged

“What are you planning to do then, Jaem? I mean, you used to say that you don’t want to get involved with your dad ever again. What changed?” Jeno asked but I too didn’t quite have the answer yet

“Part of me doesn’t like the idea of what dad has become. Regardless, he was still my father and he honestly raised me well. He was there for my childhood. It was truly like he wanted me in his life. But when my mom was killed, guess that’s when he went haywire and made a killing spree. I want him to atone for what he did. Killing innocent people is wrong and he had never done it until my mom passed away” I mentioned

“So, you want to put him behind bars?” Haechan asked

“It’s more complicated…” I mumbled when a knock was heard. “Who is it?” I asked, standing from my seat, eyeing my members who suddenly went serious mode

“Dr Na, your patient is here to see you” the nurse exclaimed, making my members sigh of relief

“Yes, of course. Just bring her in” I mentioned and the nurse brought (y/n) on a wheelchair into my office. “I’ll handle it from here, you can leave” I told the nurse

“So this is the famous (y/n)” Haechan smirked while I instantly eyed him, helping (y/n) into my office

“Ignore him, he’s always that playful. I’m Renjun, that’s Jeno over there” Renjun mentioned, giving a smile at (y/n). The same goes for Jeno

“You’re the one that helped me!” (y/n) exclaimed as Jeno nodded. “That would be me. I’m glad that you’re alright now. Also, I know Jaemin might seem cold and unapproachable but he’s pretty nice” Jeno mentioned, making me groan

“I never got to thank you. Thank you, for saving me. If you hadn’t, I would’ve…” (y/n) rambled but Jeno shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Thank Jaemin as well for saving you. I just helped a bit. He’s the saviour here. I mean, he’s dubbed the miracle doctor here because the amount of times Jaemin has been able to save people who are in critical condition is crazy” Jeno mentioned, which honestly made me flustered

“I think I’m just lucky this time, to be able to meet kind people to help me” (y/n) shyly stated

“It’s not luck. No one deserves to die honestly. Anyways, you can trust my friends here. They, they know about my history with my father” I stated. “You can tell us where you hid the files and we’ll help retrieve them. I promise that there’s nothing to worry about. You’re completely safe here” I added on, making (y/n) smiled

“Thank you” (y/n) uttered. “But I’m sorry that this might seem like I’m asking a lot but actually, I hid it at my old house. The one where I used to live with my parents. I figure that it would be the best place to hide it since Nam Goongmin wouldn’t think to look at an old abandoned house where he killed people that he probably don’t remember” (y/n) explained and I looked over at Haechan who was still stuffing his face with food but his face was serious as he was typing away on his computer

“Is this the house?” Haechan asked, showing us all his laptop that showed a house. “Y-yeah, how did you?” (y/n) asked but Haechan shrugged. “It’s one of my many talents”

“Alright then, we should leave tonight. It’ll be easier so we won’t be seen” Jeno pointed out and the others started to pack their things. “I’ll also fill in Yangyang and Shotaro on our plan so that they could help with the file. Haechan, you, Renjun and Shotaro should prepare on the equipment we need. I’ll ask Yangyang for a vehicle and…” Jeno added but (y/n) cut him off

“Is, is it alright if I come along? I mean. I’m the one that knows where it’s hidden. Plus. I, I want to get something from the house” (y/n) asked

“Honestly, I don’t think it would be the best idea for you to come. You’re still injured and…” Jeno replied

“I just want to get my old family photobook. I promise that’s it” (y/n) argued

“I think it’s alright if she goes. We’ll all be there and I’ll keep a watch on her and then get her out as soon as she gets her photobook” I added on, making Jeno sigh

“Fine. But we have to move quickly. Taeyong-hyung doesn’t know about this and even if he does, we have to be fast, alright?” Jeno stated and everyone nodded

After the short meeting, I brought (y/n) back to her room, making her rest up a bit more while I went back to my office and changed into my nightwear mission gear and taking the female clothes I asked someone to buy for me to (y/n)’s room; telling her to change while we wait for Jeno to come.

“Just asking. How long have you been doing this?” I heard (y/n) asked

“For a few years. I was found by my now leader at 18 and ever since I was taken in, was taught everything I know and was given the opportunity to be something that I’ve always wanted as a kid” I told her, remembering the early days when Taeyong-hyung and Jeno first found me

“Do, do you guys like, I don’t know, kill people? Sell drugs or human trafficking?” (y/n) asked, making me chuckle at her thought. “Wh-why are you laughing? Is this all just a trick and you’re actually working with…” (y/n) rambled but I stopped her before she could say that man’s name

“No. We’re not like him. Not every mafia is bad. At least not us. I used to think the same until my leader brought me in. We’re considered a mafia group because we deal with other dirty crime organizations through some illegal methods which to the public, it might seem wrong but basically, we help the government do more of the dirty work. But we never went as far as killing. Torture? Yes. I’ll tell you that upfront. Especially to those who betray us” I explained, looking at (y/n) who looked nervous

“Don’t worry. As long as you’re not involved with the people in our wanted list, there’s nothing to worry about. Are you ready to go?” I asked as (y/n) slowly nodded

“Alright, come with me then” I mentioned, nudging (y/n) to walk right beside me. “Whatever happens there, I’ll be by your side and I expect you to do the same. Don’t walk ahead, don’t walk behind. I have to make sure that nothing happens to you, got it?” I stated as we walked into the private elevator and (y/n) nodded

Arriving at (y/n)’s house, Jeno told Haechan, Renjun and Shotaro to stay hidden as he, Yangyang, (y/n) and I go into the house and find the files along with the photobook that (y/n) wanted. Because (y/n) was the only one who knew where both the items were, we stuck close to her, practically forming a human wall around her to make sure that there weren’t any threats.

“Haechan, any sign of anyone nearby?” Jeno asked. “Nope. It’s all clear. Unless you count some stray cats nearby which they’re very big and chubby” Haechan joked

“Jaem, you accompany (y/n). Yangyang and I will stay downstairs, just in case. Once you’ve gotten the files, toss it to me and I’ll have Yangyang hand it to Haechan and the others, kay?” Jeno instructed and I nodded in acknowledgement

(y/n) and I went upstairs, and I noticed from some of the ripped, broken images that (y/n) seemed to be an only child and that there weren’t really any other family members except for her parents. “D-do you not have any like uncles or aunts to take you in at the time?” I asked as (y/n) rummage around a room that seems to be a master bedroom based on the size and linked bathroom

“Unfortunately, no. As far as I know, my parents are both only childs and even if there were, I doubt they want to take a burden in” (y/n) chuckled dryly, making me feel bad for asking

“I’m sorry to hear that but you should know that no one is a burden. Especially those under 18. You didn’t ask to be born. None of us asked for it and you shouldn’t push yourself because of what happened. This universe might’ve fucked up some things in everyone’s life but the moment you’re given just one chance to change your fate, take it. Exploit it if you can as long as you hurt no one. You deserve to enjoy your life” I stated, trying to cheer (y/n) up

“You know, I lived my life in uncertainty and everything changed with my mom was killed and I thought that this universe hated me until my now leader and Jeno found me. They gave me a new life and I’m doing much better now. Why don’t you come with us when all of this is over?” I offered, catching (y/n)’s attention

“I doubt that you guys would want me. I don’t even know what I’m good at” (y/n) replied, her voice became much softer than before

“Don’t worry about that. Everyone doesn’t know what they’re good at because they just simply were never given the chance to. But I promise you that as stone-cold as some of my members are, they are all caring for each other and would always help one another. Just consider it. And if you decided you want to, I’ll talk with my leader about it” I replied, offering (y/n) a smile, making her smile back

“T-thank you, Jaemin. Really. No one has ever offered me this far” (y/n) mentioned, making me frown

“That’s probably because they don’t understand the pain you go through; especially after losing your parents. Let’s hurry and find the file and your photobook then we can continue this conversation” I stated as (y/n) nodded

(y/n) quickly scrambled to the bed of the room and went underneath the covers, ripping it and taking something out of the mattress which turns out to be the USB. “Is that the files?” I asked as (y/n) nodded. “Yeah, I kept it here because this room and bed reminded me about my parents. How I would crawl into their room in the middle of the night because of nightmares when I was younger. And eventually sleep between them” (y/n) replied, making me smile

“Can I take the USB from you? I promise that my members and I will bring justice to your parents and all the innocent people whose life were ruined by Nam Goongmin” I stated, extending my hand as (y/n) handed the USB over

“Jen, I got it. We’re upstairs in the master bedroom. (y/n) is looking for the photobook” I stated in my earcom. “I’m going up” Jeno replied

Jeno then came within seconds and took the USB. Jeno told me to take care of (y/n) while he went to Haechan and handed the USB over to check the files before going back to the base. I told Jeno that he and Yangyang could just go with the others because (y/n) and I were only finding the photobook.

Despite being unsure of my request, Jeno eventually compiled and told me that if anything were to happen, I should just call him or the base; regardless of whether Taeyong-hyung knows or not. Because in the end, whether I like it or not, I will have to tell Taeyong-hyung about this.

After Jeno left, I continued to help (y/n) find the photobook she was looking for. We eventually turned the already messed up house into basically a destroyed ship. But luckily, we managed to find the photobook that (y/n) was looking and I instantly told the others that we were done and were going to head back to my place.

As we went downstairs, I suddenly heard a clock ticking. I looked around and saw an old grandfather clock that was ticking. Which was strange because I swore that when we all went into the house, the only noise that could be heard were our voices, the sounds of our shoes on the old hardwood floor, and even our breathing. But not once did I hear any ticking noise.

Not wanting to find out, I quickly wrapped an arm around (y/n) and dragged her out of the house. But before we could get out, the clock struck 3 am and instantly, everything became a blur. One moment I was reaching the door handle to open the door and the next, I was having a hard time breathing and was lying on my back.

Blinking several times, I tried to regain my vision after almost blacking out but everything was still a blur. My nose smelled some smoke and as I used my hands to try to get me up, I noticed that the house behind me was in flames.

Regardless of my weak state, I called out to (y/n) and tried to scan my surroundings with whatever vision I had but I felt everything spinning around and was suddenly met with a fist on my cheek; making me fall to the ground and cough up blood.

Suddenly, I felt two people holding each of my arms respectively as I was now kneeling on the ground. I tried to fight them off but knowing my weak state from the sudden explosion, I couldn’t do anything. But what caught me off-guard was the person who walked and stood right in front of me. The man who made me have my first kill, the man who I thought was good because of how he loved my mother, the man who shared the same DNA as I did. My father, Nam Goongmin.

“I thought I told you manners on how to greet your elderly, Na Jaemin” my father chuckled, grabbing a chunk of my hair, roughly pulling my head back, making me look at him

Even though my vision was still blurry, I could recognize that tone and sinister smirk from anywhere. “You don’t deserve any manners or respect from me” I coughed up, spitting some blood that landed on my father’s suit and face

“You still haven’t changed, have you? A doctor now are you?” my father stated, not really asking me

“W-was the least I could do, after what you’ve done. You can try to kill as many innocent people but I’ll be the one that’ll save them” I argued back, my father roughly letting my hair go

“Oh, you might want to save that breath of yours because you’re going to need it” my father uttered, I could feel his breath by my ear. “You and your little gang have something that I’ve been looking for years” my father whispered as I turned to eye him

“Let’s test how eager you are to save a life, shall we? That troublesome girl will be your time limit. Right now, she’s practically as injured as you are. The difference is. You’re going to be rescued by your little team while she gets to hang out with me” my father stated, making me try to release the grip of his men

“With every second you don’t come back, I’m going to draw her blood out of her. Slowly. With each day passing and you do not give me back those files, I’ll have to find out which organ I want to sell to the black market first. And if those files ever get released to the public? I’ll give you a little present. For all the years that I’ve been gone from your life” my father stated when suddenly I was injected with a sleeping drug and the grip on each of my arms were gone as I drifted off to sleep, and my body unconsciously fell to the ground with the thought of (y/n) in my mind

NCT Base - 8:25 pm (still Jaemin’s POV)

The sound of a beeping monitor slowly matched with the beat of my heart as I slowly woke up from my slumber for who knows how long. When I opened my eyes and slowly scanned the room, I noticed that I was in the patient room back in the base.

When I closed my eyes again, I remembered my father’s threat and immediately jerked on the bed. “Shit Jaemin, are you okay?! Let me get Kun-hyung” I heard Jeno stated but I managed to grip his wrist. “How long was I out?” I asked

“About more than 12 hours. Not long after we left, I felt something was off. I tried to contact you through our earcom but it was muffled. I told Haechan to just go while I drove one of our emergency borrowed cars and went back to the house. By the time I arrived, the house was in flames and you passed out on the ground, bruises and blood everywhere. But I didn’t see (y/n) at all” Jeno explained

“Shit. My dad. H-he caused the explosion. He knew that we would go to the house. He knew that (y/n) must’ve hid the files there and would have to retrieve it. Where’s the files right now?” I asked, trying to get out of bed but Jeno stopped me

“Woah. I know that your dad is insane and we should save (y/n) but you’re injured pretty badly right now. You gotta rest. Especially since you have to face…” Jeno ranted but we heard several footsteps coming into the room

“Is he awake?!” both Jeno and I heard Taeyong-hyung’s voice and suddenly the door was slammed open and Taeyong-hyung along with Kun, Mark, and Doyoung came in

“Tell me why the hell is there a 150ml of blood bag with your fucking name on it arrived at the hospital when the blood is clearly not yours?!” Taeyong-hyung demanded, showing me the blood bag

“Shit. He’s actually serious. Fuck. Hyung, where’s the files?” I asked back but Taeyong-hyung didn’t budge. “Who is he, Jaemin?! You’re my member. My core member. And Kun received this right as he finished handling another patient. So no, Jaemin, I won’t let you know anything about the files until you explain yourself” Taeyong-hyung growled and I was trying to put together some words to not make the situation worse

“He’s back isn’t he?” Taeyong-hyung stated, sending chills as I remembered the incident

“He’s after the files, isn’t he, Jaemin?” Taeyong-hyung asked as I slowly nodded. “Everyone but Jeno, out” Taeyong-hyung stated as the others left the room but Jeno. “You know something as well, Jeno. I’ll deal with the other 00 boys later” Taeyong-hyung added

“Tell me everything, Jaemin. What happened, how did you get those files, whose blood is this and what did Nam Goongmin threaten you” Taeyong demanded and I told him everything that had happened. From when Jeno brought (y/n) to the hospital to going to her house and even facing my father on my own

“I know meeting him would not end well but this?! This is out of my prediction” Taeyong-hyung grunted, messing up his hair before slicking it back again

“We can’t release the files. (y/n) would be instantly killed” I argued

“I know that. But we need to find where your father is first which Jungwoo is already in the process of finding through the satellite tracker. In the meantime, Haechan already duplicated the files and we’ll hand the original file back” Taeyong-hyung mentioned

“You figured it out when I was passed out, didn’t you, hyung?” I asked back when Taeyong-hyung explained on the current situation he’s handling which always amazed me

“I keep tabs on my members. I know about your father coming to find you because that was the reason why he sent someone to kidnap the intern under Jungwoo. But I wouldn’t expect another person outside of NCT to be involved. Guess I should’ve expected it since it already happened with Jeno and Haechan” Taeyong-hyung chuckled

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you. I also didn’t expect my father to have everything figured out and was basically a step ahead of me” I grunted

“Jaemin. Whether you like it or not, your dad was in the mafia way before me and the other oldest members in the group. He might be out of touch with the current generation unlike us, but he always has that sinister, manipulative mind that somehow always manages to turn the situation around. No matter what, your dad is not someone we can take on lightly like Jeno or Haechan’s situation” Taeyong-hyung stated when suddenly we heard a knock on the door, revealing to be Jungwoo

“Hyung. I found him” Jungwoo-hyung stated and Taeyong-hyung told him to come and show us

Jungwoo-hyung came in and showed the exact location of where my father was and it turns out, he was back at my old house. The house that I abandoned since my mother was killed. “Of course he would be there” I growled

“That’s not all, Jaemin. As I found him, there was a sudden file that was delivered to me. I didn’t want to open it until I see Taeyong-hyung” Jungwoo-hyung mentioned, showing us the mystery file that he received

“Open it, Jungwoo” Taeyong-hyung mentioned and upon opening the file, I could feel my stomach twist and nearly puke upon seeing the file because it was a video of (y/n) who was unconscious and tied to a bed, getting her blood slowly drawn out and a figure coming behind her and slowly picking up a scalpel before the video went black, showing several numbers.

“Hyung…” I grunted, Jeno taking a bucket and shoving it towards me. “Go ahead, no one is going to judge you” Jeno tried to joke

“It’s a countdown” Taeyong-hyung stated. “Looks like your dad still isn’t a patient man. Are you okay to go?” Taeyong-hyung asked

“I have to. I’m not letting him kill another innocent person. Not when I can actually do something about it. I failed to protect my mom and spent the past few years to try and atone for what my father has done. I’m not going to sit this one out just because I have a few bruises and injuries” I stated, getting up from my bed

“It’ll most likely be a trap. Your dad would instantly kill her upon seeing the rest of us but if you go alone, there’s no telling what will happen. Your dad could have mercy on you but not on the girl or he might be very merciful and spare both of you. Either way, I won’t sit tight and let you handle everything alone, alright?” Taeyong-hyung stated, patting my shoulder

Jaemin’s Old House - 1:38 am

Right as my car came to a stop, I took a deep breath before walking out and facing the very problem that I’ve been running away from for the past 6 years of my life. As I slowly opened the door, memories of what used to be a happy childhood slowly flooded back but this time with the smell of dirt, trash, and even blood mixed in.

Standing by the door, I was met with multiple other men with their guns all loaded, pointing at me as I looked up at my father who was standing on the 2nd floor, looking as sharp as I remembered him from the day when I last saw him. The last day that I ever agreed to do anything with him. To get revenge on my dead mother.

“I’m assuming you come here with what I requested?” my father asked and I pulled the USB from the inner corner of my jacket, raising it up to show him

“All the files about you. About what you’ve done. About every corrupted person you have helped. Every innocent person you have killed. Every track of your dirty money in and out. Every weapon and drug you own and sell. They’re all in here” I stated, none of my father’s men lowered their weapons

“Hand over the USB and put down every weapon you have” my father instructed me. “Search him just in case” my father added

I handed the USB to one of his men as I took out my guns, knife, pepper spray, and every other weapon I had in hand. Two of his men held me by the arm and another searched me completely before taking away all of my weapons, telling my father that I was already clean.

His men who took the USB went upstairs and handed it to my father. My father then took it and plugged it into the laptop to check every single file personally. “You really have turned soft, haven’t you, Jaemin? All this information for just a girl?” my father questioned

“Just a girl? You killed her parents. She didn’t deserve to continue her life like that. She had no one. No one deserves to live like that. Just because you were like that, doesn’t mean someone else should” I argued back and without warning, my father fired a bullet that grazed my cheek

“Know your place, boy. Remember it was me that helped bring you to this world. Without me, you wouldn’t be alive or breathing right now. Her father wasn’t as innocent if she ever told you the truth, that is. His father was associated with me as in they were the ones that sourced all the weapons and drugs that I sell. So, regardless, they weren’t all that good” my father argued back as well

“Doesn’t mean you should kill them. No one deserves to be killed” I stated but what my father said next hit me more than a bullet would. “Yet your mother was killed”

“If you recall, your mother was murdered, Na Jaemin. She didn’t die due to some illness or of old age. She was murdered cold-blooded. She did nothing wrong yet she was still murdered. You’re only partially right. Not everyone deserves to be killed. Some do” my father stated.

“As shitty as some people are, including you, no one still deserves to be killed” I stood my argument

“You sure about that? Don’t you remember the time when you practically forced yourself to come with me to find your mother’s killer? That you wanted to pull the trigger yourself. Yet, it didn’t satisfy you enough, did it? If anything, you’ve always been a coward. I taught you everything. Yet, you never dared to go above and beyond” my father complained

“My mother never taught me to do anything bad. Plus, she was the reason why you were also soft at some point in your life. She would be disappointed with how you’ve changed. At least I’m trying to atone for what you and I did” I taunted, making my father’s demeanour change. His gaze got darker and scarier.

“Don’t talk about her as if you know about our history. As if you understand what it feels like to have someone part of you being ripped away after all that you’ve been through to change for them” my father admitted; a side of him that I didn’t really know of

“Who says?! My mother is a part of me. Heck, 50% of my DNA is from her. She was my number one supporter and she was my everything. The first woman I love. You and I are the same in terms of looks, some of our traits, and our love for the same woman. The big difference is how we cope with that loss” I mentioned. “As much as I hate the man you’ve become, it saddens me more because no matter what, you’re still my father. So stop this nonsense and just turn yourself in” I tried to reason but instead, my father let out a rather maniac laugh

“There’s another difference between you and I. Your mother might be your first love. But she’s my first and last. Like you said, my parents weren’t really there for me and when I met your mother, that’s when I actually knew what love actually is. Until she was murdered that is. So, Na Jaemin. You want to understand what it feels like to go through what I went through? Let me show you then” my father stated, confusing me

My father went into one of the rooms and not long after, he came back, dragging a way smaller yet weak figure than him to his side which made my whole body shudder as I saw (y/n)’s paled and injured face was being held between one of my father’s hand.

“You said that you wouldn’t hurt her if I gave you the files” I growled, punching and kicking both men who were holding me down, finally breaking free of their grip and immediately there was smoke covering the entirety of the house

Within seconds, each of my father’s men was knocked out by my group and Taeyong-hyung’s additional reinforcements. Once the smoke cleared up, everyone pointed their weapon towards my father as Taeyong stepped into the scene.

“Nam Goongmin. I didn’t expect for us to ever meet again ever since you nearly killed your own son” Taeyong-hyung mentioned. “Let the girl go and turn yourself in. You promised you wouldn’t kill her”

“I only said I would kill her if those files were released. Nothing more. But since you’re all here, you broke the agreement first, Jaemin” my father stated, making my jaw clench. “You want to understand my pain? Then let me show you” my father then stabbed (y/n) in the back and immediately pulled the scalpel out, making her bleed even more blood

Immediately, I rushed upstairs and shoved my father away, catching (y/n) in my arms when suddenly my father shoved me again and started a fight with me

Thankfully, Jeno, Shotaro, and Jaehyun-hyung came and helped bring (y/n) away from the fight between my father and I. Though I was already trained in combat and my father had already age, he still managed to get me out of breath.

My father’s aims were sharp and strong which made me have to go into defence mode until I saw an opening and kicked him on the side of his ribs, which made him stumble backwards. Immediately, I took my chances and threw several more punches which hit and eventually, I managed to pin him on the ground, using my knee to pin his chest down, making it hard for him to breathe while my left arm was right on his neck, barely allowing my father to even speak.

“I think you should be by her side, doctor. Unless of course, you want to feel the exact pain that I felt” my father managed to choke out, tears somehow forming in my eyes

“Jaemin!! You have to operate on (y/n) right now. She already lost so much blood and while we’ve stopped it, it won’t last long” Taeyong-hyung stated as some of his reinforcements came and handled my father

“You should listen to your leader, doctor. Unless you want to relive the time when you couldn’t save someone” my father taunted and Taeyong-hyung covered him from my sight. “Go. I managed to bring a decent amount of tools for you to operate. The guys also managed to find the same blood type as her. I’ll deal with your dad” Taeyong-hyung mentioned, ushering me to quickly go

“Hyung. Thank you. And don’t kill my father. As shitty as what he did, I still stand my ground. I’m not going to kill him and no one is allowed to kill him. He’s still my father after all” I mentioned, looking back at Taeyong-hyung then seeing the other men take my father away

Rushing to the room that my members brought (y/n) in, I immediately put on a mask and gloves before getting to work. Though not all of my members know how the surgery procedure works, I’ve done operations on other people alone before.

I saw the monitor that checked all of (y/n)’s blood condition and they were all very low. First things first, I had to do the blood transfusion quickly before operating on the wound. After setting up the blood bag and putting the IV into (y/n)’s blood vessel, I told Shotaro to eye the blood bag and tell me when it was running low so I could give another blood bag.

As the blood transfusion was happening, I immediately got to work with the wound. I made sure that none of her vital organs were hit before actually stitching her up. I didn’t know how long I was stitching (y/n) while also giving her blood transfusion but at some point, the monitor suddenly beeping like crazy which made me worry.

“Jaem…her blood pressure is decreasing and so is her heart rate. Are there any other scars or wounds she has?” Jeno asked and I instantly scanned her entire body once again and the tab about her past conditions but nothing checked up; it was as if her body was giving up on its own

“Nothing, Jen. She has no wounds, no allergies, no sudden reaction. Her body, its slowly giving up. I’ve only heard several cases of patients whose consciousness just shut down their whole body. I, I didn’t think I would see it happen in front of me” I stuttered, my hands were now shaking

“Jaemin, I know this might sound crazy but you have to talk to her. She might be unconscious but her consciousness is alive and she could most probably hear you. You have to convince her to fight through it” Jaehyun-hyung mentioned and I was a shaking mess

Putting my tools down, I stood right beside (y/n). I grabbed one of her hands and leaned down by her ear. “Hey. I’m not sure if you can hear me but I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t give up. I know that we barely met but when you told me what happened to you, I felt that no one was ever able to understand you unlike I do. When you told me what my father did to your family, it made me feel obligated to take care of you. It might seem that I’m doing this to repay what my father did but honestly, I want to help you. You weren’t ever given the chance to enjoy your life” I held (y/n)’s hand with both of mine, squeezing it

“I know that I’ve told you this before but I want to say it again, I want to remind you if you feel that you want to give up. I was at that point as well. I was truly lucky to be able to have a leader and friends that helped me find a new purpose and that alone drove me to help others. You want to know what I want to be a surgeon? It’s not to only save people but I want to give them hope, to give them a second chance in their life when no one else would. I want to help them heal from their trauma just as I want to help you. So please, don’t give up just yet. Let me take care of you and give you the life you deserve. Let me be the one to heal your trauma just as my members healed mine” I rambled, hoping that whatever I said actually got to (y/n)’s consciousness

Somehow, as crazy as Jaehyun-hyung idea was, my voice somehow got through (y/n) and the monitor was suddenly stable once again. Letting out a sigh of relief, I looked at (y/n)’s calmer face and looked at Jaehyun-hyung and Jeno who both told me that I was good to continue.

Thankfully, throughout the rest of the operation, (y/n) was stable and I finished operating on her quicker than usual. Not long, we had some backup to help bring (y/n) and my father’s men back to our base.

Back at the base, everyone cleaned up but I immediately made sure that (y/n) was taken care of. I didn’t even care that I was still in my uniform and covered in dirt, scars, and blood. What matters most is that (y/n) was in a comfortable room, being treated and stable.

I even waited for Kun-hyung to confirm that (y/n) was indeed stable and that all she needed was some rest before actually being dragged out of the room and shoved into our shower room to shower by Jeno.

“You finally done?” Jeno asked as I got changed and dried my hair

“Yeah. You wouldn’t even let me leave until I actually freshen up” I grumbled, annoyed that Jeno and the others wouldn’t let me stay until (y/n) was awake

“Because you reek. You really think (y/n) would want to be next to you when you look and smell like blood, sweat, and tears?” Jeno sarcased

“How is she? Stable right?” I asked, putting my uniform to the dirty basket for laundry later

“Yeah. Kun-hyung actually mentioned that her fingers were moving a bit which means she’s going to wake up soon” Jeno mentioned as I hummed. “What are you going to do with your dad though? Taeyong-hyung practically chained him up and well, the usual. Taeyong-hyung didn’t hurt him too badly, if that’s what you’re worried” Jeno rambled

“Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I don’t want to kill him that’s for sure, I…” I replied when the door was flung open and Renjun came in panting. “She’s awake and Taeyong-hyung is with her”

Within seconds of Renjun coming to tell us that (y/n) was awake, I wasted no time in rushing to her room and seeing Taeyong-hyung beside her. “Relax. I’m not tormenting her, Jaemin. Excuse him, he sometimes look into things a bit too deeply” Taeyong-hyung mentioned and I heard a soft chuckle

When I walked to the side, I saw (y/n) sitting on the bed, her face looked brighter and fresher than hours ago. “Hey” I called out to her, offering a soft smile which she replied back

“I’ll leave you both alone now. Jaemin, when you’re done, my office, alright?” Taeyong-hyung mentioned before leaving me with (y/n) in the room

I pulled a chair and sat next to (y/n). “How are you? How are you feeling? Any parts of your body that hurt?” I asked and (y/n) softly shook her head

“I’m okay. Thank you” (y/n) stated, making me smile. “T-thank you, for saving me” (y/n) uttered out and I immediately took her hands in mine

“No, thank you, for staying strong. I’m not sure if you heard what I said to you when you were unconscious but I promise you that I’ll help you get back up. I’ll help you get the life you’ve wanted. Not because I feel obligated for what my father has done but because you deserve it and maybe because I can relate to you. Only if you allow me to help you, that is?” I rambled on and (y/n) held my hand tighter

“I’d like that. But I also want you to share your burden too” (y/n) uttered, making me smile wider, pressing my forehead onto hers. “As long as you let me take care of you and your trauma” I replied. For the first time, I felt calmer and more at peace since a long time.

NCT Prison - 12:18 am

Though I’ve been through these empty halls, I typically walk through them with my members to torment one of our prisoners. But this time, walking alone felt foreign. It reminded me of the day I left my home on my own. When there was no one to help me at all. But this time it was different. I wasn’t the same boy who ran away from his problems.

No. I decided I was finally going to put an end to it. By going in and facing the man who was both someone I used to look up to and someone that I despised.

“I’m amazed that you actually came. I thought you’d let your leader and other members do as they please with me” my father stated, locked within one of the cages of the prison

“I wouldn’t let them do that. Unlike you, father, who almost killed their own son, I would never let you get killed by my own members. As much as I despised you, you’re still my father. You said it yourself. I’m your son” I started out

“So then what? Are you going to torture me now? Your leader already has my files and most probably he’s going to release it tomorrow along with a statement that I’ve fallen and been captured. Then are you going to kill me by yourself? Is that why you’re not letting your members kill me?” my father questioned me

“I’m not going to kill you. Sure, my leader is going to open up and give a statement regarding his recent findings about you. But I told him that whatever he tells to the public will just be for the public because…I’ve already lost one parent. I don’t intend to lose another” I uttered, my father finally looking at me

“You might not be the best father but at some point, you raised me well. I know you love mom so much and you miss her just as I do but I know that mom would have never wanted us to be like this. She would have wanted both of us to be able to move on and live our lives. Not hating each other. Not chasing each other. We don’t even have to like each other or what we do but I know that mom would have wanted us to just try and get along. And that’s what I plan on doing” I ranted

“You can think that I’m weak or anything you want. But I hope that someday, you’ll be able to see me as your son who only wanted his dad. Not his father. I hope that you will be able to go back to the time when you were happy with mom but this time with me. And I hope that one day, you’ll admit your mistakes and apologise for what you’ve done. Not to me. I’ve gotten over that a long time ago. But to those who you’ve hurt and traumatised” I rambled on before slightly bowing to my father, about to leave but stopped upon hearing my father spoke

“You’re wrong, Jaemin. You’re not my son. You’re mine and your mother’s son. And whether you think that I was going to kill you that day. I wasn’t. Just like you, I was angry at what happened. And was pissed that you cowardly left me. But never did I ever think to kill you. Even now. I would have never killed the one person who reminded me of what your mother and I were like when we first fell for each other” my father finally spoke in a softer tone, making me turn to face him

“But you’re right. I was a shitty father when I should’ve been more of a dad to you. For that, I’m sorry. But I’m glad that you got more of your mother’s side. I’m glad that you grew up well. Your mom might hate me but I know for sure that she’s proud of the man you’ve become” my dad stated, actually smiling a bit which made me smile

“Thanks. I’ll um, talk to you again soon. I hope you do reflect on your mistakes. See you soon, dad” I uttered, leaving my dad, finally getting over the trauma that I’ve been holding onto for years

A/N: hopefully you guys enjoy this other long mafia fic of mine. I swear I will make a whole mini mafia series masterlist. After my 100th post which will be coming in December. I'm sorry that I've been slow on my stories and have only been posting like once a month but somehow, I ended up writing this mini mafia series which while fun, takes quite a while to write as I want them to somewhat interconnect with one another. Alright, before I go, I'm gonna give a mini sneak peek at my 100th post which will be another mafia series. Thank you all, have a great day and stay safe xoxo vinet

Sneak Peek for 100th Post

“Yo, John, doesn’t she look a bit too young to be working a a club?” Jaehyuna asked, looking over to a young girl wearing the waitress uniform, serving some drinks to old sweaty men

Johnny who was just trying to drink and enjoy his night eventually followed Jaehyun’s gaze and landed on the girl that Jaehyun was describing.

Sure, Johnny might’ve opened his own bar with Taeyong’s permission but that doesn’t mean that he allows just about anyone to work in his bar. And while he doesn’t deal with all the miscellaneous work in the bar, he surely memorises his staff and the girl Jaehyun pointed out was never in any parts of Johnny’s memory.

Instead of confronting the girl, Johnny immediately called another waiter to get the current manager and question the girl whom he learned was technically legal to work in a bar as she was 21+ and the manager mentioned that she was only a part-timer on the weekends since they needed more help.

Right when the manager was explaining to Johnny, he saw one of the old men put their hands on the girl’s bare thigh which scared the girl. Angered at the behaviour, Johnny stood up and stomped his way to the scene before the man could go any further.

“This is an exclusive bar and I make sure that all of my staff are always on their best service. But that doesn’t mean that you could just harass them like this” Johnny growled, gripping the older man’s arm tightly that the people nearby could hear a bone crack

“Especially when it’s an old man harassing a young girl” Johnny grunted, pushing the man that he fell off his chair; the other men around the table started to get up, about to put up a fight when Jaehyun came beside Johnny, shielding the girl

“I suggest you all sit your old sweaty asses down unless you want your old bones to be broken” Jaehyun taunted. “Or shall we call Taeyong? Because he’s the co-owner of this bar and I don’t think he would be pleased that his supposed business partners were in his bar, harassing a girl”

[merrivia]

Thinking today about Damen, trauma and the symbolic use of water in Captive Prince...

I was talking to @zumurruds about this, and she mentioned that we understand Laurent’s trauma as readers, but that Damen’s trauma can seem elusive to us. Which is very true, and got me to thinking about how these things might work in terms of Damen’s psyche as constructed by Pacat, especially taking into consideration Akielos is a version of Ancient Greece (with some Roman influences).

Edward Tick is a fairly influential psychotherapist in the field of trauma, especially post-traumatic stress and how it affects soldiers, and he has particularly looked at Ancient Greek rituals (and other classical and indigenous practices!) for answers as to how to heal the psychic wounds of conflict.

Firstly, this is a nice overview of some of Tick’s ideas:

“[Tick’s] argument is that in classical and native American tradition, serving as a warrior was an archetypal experience characterized by initiation of young men and, then, later, rituals of purification and cleansing that help them to undergo a sort of psycho-spiritual re-birthing process and return to civilian life, not just as civilians, but as individuals who’ve gone through a profound transformation. And that transformation was acknowledged by the wider society.”

Some (not all) of these “rituals of purification and cleansing” are literally ones that use water. And I think this can maybe helps us to understand more deeply the use of water in the novels and how it connects to trauma (Damen’s in particular).

More after the jump:

Before going into more depth I will say one thing. I think the reason Damen has coped well with being a soldier, has a lot to do with his initiation into warriorhood in Akielos. 

When it comes to war, specific rites and training would transform you psychologically. As Tick says:

“The study of worldwide mythology and the work of historians, anthropologists, and archaeologists show us that cultures in almost all times and places have deemed it necessary to have a warrior class of citizens. The formula is simple: the preparation is specialized training; the proving ground is battle. Risking death for the protection of one’s people transforms a boy into a warrior. Successful completion of the transformation makes him a man.”

What this does to you then is accelerate growing up. Interesting inversion there, as the Regent tries to keep the adult Laurent a child, and child Damen would have been thrust into adulthood early. Did that damage Damen? Depends on your perspective (I think yes and no), but it certainly gave him strength and resilience.

There is an interesting, revealing moment of Damen’s, when he has been flogged and still finds the wherewithal to speak back to Laurent:

“He felt raw, as though a protective outer layer had been stripped away; the problem was that what had been exposed was not weakness but core metal.”

“Core metal”. That’s what lies at the heart of Damen, even with the warmth of his heart. 

Tick then quotes the philosopher William James:

“War and adventure assuredly keep all who engage in them from treating themselves too tenderly. They require such incredible effort, depth beyond depth of exertion . . . that the whole scale of motivation alters. Discomfort and annoyance, hunger and wet, pain and cold, squalor and filth cease to have any deterrent operation whatever. Death turns into a commonplace matter. . .”

Damen has gone through all this; this is what forged that “core metal” in him. He is a warrior, in a militaristic society. He understands well what it is like to have courage against death and to physically endure discomfort and physical pain. I think this is why he is able to take his circumstances as a slave in Vere, and survive. Every time Damen is hurt, he compares it to his training or to his past experiences, and simply withstands it, as he knows he got through it before. He endures and endures. Even the flogging. That is what warriors do; it was what he was trained to do.

This is one of the reasons his trauma is hidden away from us; at first, Damen seems to just cope with it.

The idea of warriors, too, is so different to modern soldiers, where I think a lot of our contemporary ideas around trauma come from.

Damen has killed on the “sawdust”, suggesting he has accidentally killed when training, and he has killed in battle. He also killed Auguste. The weight of those deaths were expiated somewhat by his role- he was not shamed but made elevated by them; when he returned from Marlas, he was honoured and given a hero’s welcome. Some of the trauma Tick describes modern soldiers go through, comes from them being shoved to one side and forgotten about. 

Interestingly, another aspect of the trauma around modern soldiers, is the impersonal nature of killing. As Tick says:

In its ancient and ritual forms, warfare was often personal. Enemy combatants often knew each other by name, and the victor’s status was partly based upon the status of the enemy he had defeated. Homer’s Iliad records numerous tales of individual combat between contending champions whose families, histories, and reputations were well known to each other. But modern war is impersonal. Whom you fight, what their battle experience and status in their culture is, and how they are armed are all matters of chance.

Though we may think knowing who Auguste was makes it worse, from Tick’s perspective it is better. It becomes a matter of personal combat, a duel of honour- it is essentially meaningful. Damen fought Auguste to help end the battle, and symbolically, it was two princes fighting for victory. There is no disgrace or evil in that.

The problem comes with Laurent and with spending time in Vere, where Damen is no longer seen as a hero-warrior but a villain- someone immoral and shameful. One of the first things Laurent does to Damen in the baths is (very unfairly) make him feel ashamed for killing, and Damen has to protest and say it was “battle” and that “there were deaths on both sides” (which is true- Laurent conveniently forgets all the people Auguste would have killed on the Akielon side). That is a lot of what Damen has to battle through psychologically during the novel. He has no words to describe what he’s going through, was not trained for this, and again, this is why his trauma remains hidden to us. 

In normal circumstances also, after he had been freed, Damen would have returned home, and would go through a process of restoration there that would help him process the trauma he went through in Vere. But by falling in love with Laurent and tying himself to him, Damen is forever in a liminal state- he cannot return home, as the two countries are one which the two kings will rule together, and he is always going to be both lover and brother-killer (he now carries the guilt of killing his brother-in-law, not an enemy prince). This contradiction needs to be resolved.

Additionally, what happened to him in Vere did not carry the honour of battle. Damen could not fight back. It was pure victimisation. That is also where the trauma lies, as well having to process how Laurent is both lover and torturer (Laurent also, needs to confront this, and what he did to Damen).

So let’s talk about water.

There is a symbolic weight that water always carries in texts- life and rebirth, purification and cleansing, rejuvenation and destruction, amongst many other things. But when considering water’s cleansing and restorative processes in conjunction with classical ideas of healing and surviving trauma, I think it becomes even more interesting.

The books abound with water. The trilogy starts with Damen in baths at Akielos, and ends the same way, a deliberately cyclical structure. A rebirth. Damen and Laurent bathe frequently; sometimes this leads to violence, such as the flogging, and sometimes it is cleansing.

However, it is The Summer Palace where the richest, most definitive moment of water is symbolically used.

In the short story, Pacat shows this complex interplay between past and present; of all of what lies between Laurent and Damen. There is no forgetting of the killing of Auguste or of Kastor, or of the flogging. The two move between deep romantic desire and discussions of their painful past, fluidly.

Another quotation from Tick feels resonant here:

Ironically, doing violence to another can be a profoundly intimate act. Larry, a captain in Viet Nam, said his life’s most intimate encounter had been when staring into the eyes of a North Vietnamese officer as they grappled, their hands locked around each other’s throats. Many veterans who have survived hand-to-hand combat talk about the erotic nature of the death struggle. The violence of battle can thus constitute a kind of reverse intimacy. 

There is that strange irony at work with what happens between Damen and Laurent. Laurent, so damaged and isolated and cut off from others, first becomes close to Damen through the intimate act of violence- that’s why it’s important that he sits in front of Damen, close to him, and watches him as he is flogged in CP. It’s why Laurent deliberately baits Damen into hitting him in PG, by telling Damen Kastor killed Theomedes- afterwards his eyes are described as “glittering with triumph” as “his lips are smeared with blood” (a highly disturbing kiss with a fist, which he engineered). It’s why when they fight one another in the training room in KR, it is an important part of the carthasis they must go through in order to truly become lovers. Through violence is physical contact and those moments cut down the walls Laurent has built around himself. 

But there are of course, huge consequences for that. 

Damen admits he has not allowed himself to acknowledge much of what happened to him, particularly at the hands of Laurent. A lot remains behind a “closed door”. Yet what has been locked away must start to be acknowledged, for healing to take place. And this is done through water.

The idea that soldiers be purified when returning from war exists in many different cultures and has been practiced for centuries, including in Rome where “vestal virgins would bathe returning soldiers to purge them of the corruption of war”. For the Greeks, water in general was healing. What I think is interesting is how Pacat has (intentionally?) rewoven these strands of healing that comes from Ancient Greek culture and incorporated it into the texts. Water rituals restore and spiritually cleanse those who suffer harm- hydrotherapy of sorts. A lot of this, appears to be through gods and through dreams, water that is blessed that then touches the psyche. 

This is how Tick describes such processes:

The mysterious process behind the whole tradition was called "temple sleep" or "incubation." Those in need of healing, from the highest to the humblest levels of society, cast off the garments of their roles in the outer world, bathed ceremonially and donned white robes, and presented themselves to the therapeutes, the first "therapists," the healing priests of the temple of Asklepios..... The god was believed to visit the supplicant through a dream, or in his theriomorphic (animal-shaped) form, as a snake or a dog. Through the theophany itself (the apparition of the god) or through one of the first "prescriptions"—for instance, "after fasting for three days, the supplicant should immerse himself in the pool of Parthenius, though it be winter, and pray to Artemis"—the healing would come. 

So with no temples, gods or priests, Pacat finds an alternative.

Laurent bathing Damen, in the baths of Lentos. 

It is a restoration for them both. By doing so, Laurent is putting himself into the position of a slave (giving himself the role enforced onto Damen, an eye for an eye), putting his pride to one side (kneeling, an act he also finds difficult due to trauma) and, most importantly, confronting the consequences of his actions in having Damen flogged nearly to death. 

When Laurent washes the scars on Damen’s back, it is a transformative moment:

Nothing could wash away the past, but this took them both there, touching a painful truth, acknowledging it. 

It was gentler between his shoulders than it had been against his chest. Flesh and self were linked. The cleansing was slow, attentive, drizzling water, then soaping his skin. It was healing something he hadn’t known needed to be healed. Like breathing, it was necessary, even as the tenderness of it was too much, gentleness where he had never expected Laurent to be gentle. 

He had been braced against the lash for so long. Where he had been flayed, he was now open.

I would argue, with the absence of gods, there is only Damen and Laurent’s love, which exists as something higher, sacred, perhaps even numinous. It is a stand in for divine power, which is perhaps even more meaningful. Their love allows them that healing and rebirth, and allows them access to something higher than can move them forward. Perhaps that will keep being a journey that they do together, but it starts with this, with symbolic purification through water, and with the healing not just Laurent, but Damen, desperately needed.

Bibilography:

War and the Soul: Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-tramatic Stress Disorder, Edward Tick

Warrior's Return: Restoring the Soul After War, Edward Tick

The Practice of Dream Healing: Bringng Ancient Greek Mysteries into Modern Medicine, Edward Tick

[thunderstomm]

Hot Wheels: Let's Race - Season 2 Thoughts

Season 2 has been out for a few days now, and I've watched every episode at least once through, so I'm finally going through all of my thoughts on the show, what's going on, and what I think is going to happen next. The joy of serialized kids shows!

Everything will be under the cut, just in case. Spoiler alert for all of season two!

First off- we're finally introduced formally to our "mystery racer"- Cruise! She's the daughter of the villain of the first season, Professor Rearview, and a racer in her own right. I have to say, I think her character design is very clever, having the shape of her pigtails match Professor Rearview's big hair! i know some people may not like that Cruise is his daughter, as opposed to a grandchild or niece, but I think that the fact of her being a direct descendant makes more sense for the story they're telling. That and there's fun to be had with Professor Rearview being an evil dad.

Cruise is undeniably the highlight of the season for me, and my new favorite. I enjoy the angle of the racers having a non-camper opponent, as the lack of constant close proximity, or down-time with one another means they don't have to be cordial or polite towards Cruise, and we see a lot of more intense emotions fester as a result- especially on Coop's end.

I also think in general, Coop as a character works much better in this season. The pre-established motivation, plus his new outstanding title as the camp champ are threatened directly by Cruise, as he is her primary target to beat, and the determination and vigor it brings out in him is very entertaining to watch.

The rest of the racers sadly don't fare as well, as it feels like they take more of a backseat when compared to season 1, outside of a character focus episode. This feels especially apparent with Axle, who has gone from his role as the main rival, to being good-aligned all of the time. His personality is still intact, but It feels very odd to see him so reduced in role, as the show doesn't frame him as a threat to Cruise also- despite the fact he is probably the only racer outside of Coop who could pose such a threat. The rest of the cast seem much more competitive when Cruise is not in the picture, but once she is, the show relegates them back to supporting roles. Considering the show's age demographic and the story it wants to tell, this isn't a huge problem, but nonetheless a little sad to see.

We also get a bit of backstory for Dash and Professor Rearview! I'm surprised to see they're the same age- either Dash has aged really well, or Professor Rearview has aged terribly. It's interesting to see they were campers at the same time. Were they friends? The amount of team-strengthening exercises that Dash has her own campers do is re-contextualized by this reveal- is she trying to prevent a repeat of what became of Rearview by making sure they do actually like eachother and get along, meaning the jealousy that comes with losing is minimal, or reduced because they can feel good for the person who does win because they are friends?

The environment that Dash and Rearview were in was clearly far more competitive and unforgiving. Of course, we can't pin it all on just that, as Professor Rearview's coping mechanism and overreaction to his loss is his own fault. Explanations, not excuses. And carrying this grudge for at least 30 years, it has long passed being something to be blamed on the conditions of the environment.

I'd love to see a flashback episode regarding their time at the Ultimate Garage honestly! Who were the other four campers who they trained alongside? I'd like to think maybe Axle's dad, Striker, was one of them. Seeing the exact conditions of the race would certainly help to clarify as much. Not to mention, they already have the 3D models for young Dash and Rearview...

One thing that was made clear by the episode count, and the season ending about half-way through the level 2 arc is that season 2 has been split in half, and the season 3 we're to get is really the second half of season 2. Which means more time to dwell on what we've gotten, and who will be the winner of the Ultimate Garage. There's also the question of whether the show will redeem Cruise, and have her join the side of good. I personally am conflicted? It would be interesting, and makes sense, but we are also yet to see any desire to change- let alone Cruise's own motivation and feelings towards her father's plans.

One thing I wish we had seen was a slower moment between Cruise and someone else, particularly any of the racers! I think the show would have it be Coop, as he is our main character, and I don't really have an issue with such. Season 1 gave us a whole episode where he was made to work with Axle, and it gave us a better insight into his character, motivation, and storyline. I think an episode like this with Cruise, under a circumstance that suits their storyline and characters better, would work wonders. Cruise clearly LIKES to race, and yet she is willing to help her father win it in order to destroy it? There's the general question of why Professor Rearview would even allow his daughter to be a racer, but considering he was a former racer, I suppose it would be a waste to not pass on those skills. Is Cruise of the belief that her father will spare her car, and allow her to keep racing? I want to see Cruise forced to talk to someone so that we get these answers.

As mentioned in a prior post, I have two theories regarding the next season's end, the winner of the Ultimate Garage, and the events that could follow. These are both hypotheticals in which Cruise does get a redemption arc, so both of these could very easily be wrong, and Cruise could remain evil, which still would be fun to see.

Option 1: Coop wins the Ultimate Garage. Coop manages to catch up in flame badges to Cruise, leaving the final race as to being between the both of them. Coop ends up winning the big race, much to the delight of the other camp racers, Dash, and his father. However, this victory does not stop Professor Rearview, and he puts his plan into motion to destroy the Ultimate Garage anyways. The campers and Dash all band together to stop him, but It's not enough. All hope seems lost, and there is a moment between Professor Rearview and Cruise where Cruise comes to the realization that their plan working means she will never race again, and lashing out in anger to get a victory that destroys the rich car culture of the city, and takes away something she loves, is just not worth it. She'd rather race again and get a chance to prove herself and improve, rather go down as a sore loser. Using her knowledge of her father, her car's unique abilities, and a little encouragement from Coop and the other campers, Cruise helps to stop his plan. After his defeat, Coop invites the other racers to continue staying with him at the Ultimate Garage, wanting them all to continue improving together. He also ends up extending the invite to Cruise, considering that now she has no place to go, as she's betrayed her father, and now that she's "good".

Option 2: Cruise wins the Ultimate Garage. Despite the campers' best efforts to beat her, Cruise still ends up winning out, and is rewarded with the ownership of the Ultimate Garage, much to the despair of everyone else. She excitedly shares the news with her Father, who is excited to begin the plans to destroy the whole thing. However, Cruise is starting to have doubts. She has all of these amazing cars and resources at her fingertips now, and she can use these to become an even better racer! She tries to convince her father that maybe they don't have to destroy everything, and can keep some of it intact, but he is not having any of that. He's looked forward to this for years! Realizing that he won't listen, Cruise instead asks for help from the campers, admitting that she was wrong, and needs their help now to stop Professor Rearview. Reluctantly, they choose to believe and trust her, and foil the plans with their racing skills. Once he is stopped, Cruise attempts to hand back over ownership of the garage, but the others insist she keep it. They come to a compromise- they'll share. After all, there's a lot they can all still learn from one another, as people and as racers.

Thanks for reading all of the way through! What are your thoughts on the new season, and your theories, if you have any ! I'd love to hear what everyone has to say!

[flightfoot]

Hey, do you have any recommendations for Lukanette, Adrigami, and/or Julerose fics?

I don't generally read Lukanette. The pairing's fine in and of itself, I think that Luka and Marinette would have a happy marriage and a good time together, but I've had so many bad experiences with Lukanette shippers vilifying Adrien, Alya, and the class, that I can't really derive any enjoyment from the ship, I just have too many negative associations with it. Lukadrienette and Lukadrigaminette are fine since I've never had bad experiences with other characters being bashed to promote the poly, but Lukanette... no.

I had about a year where saltfics NEVER LEFT MY HEAD and I kept on having flashbacks to my favorite characters being demonized and vilified and punished for it, with those flashbacks running through my head for hours on end while my throat choked up like I was about to cry, for hours at a time, on a daily basis. I REALLY can't stand anything I associate with that. I still can't stand saltfics, but my throat doesn't close up and I don't get a ton of flashbacks anymore when I see them at least, I just get angry.

There IS still one Lukanette fic series I've liked and recommended, but it's less because of the Lukanette and more because of the exploration of Luka's and Felix's characters (and it turns into FeLuka later on).

As for Adrigami... it's a nice ship, but there's very little content for it, especially in more recent years. It mostly vanished once season 4 got going, and it wasn't exactly common before that. I've got some Adrigaminette and Lukadrigaminette recs if you're interested in those though?

---

Boomer!Luka: FeLuka Ending series by @19thsentry-blog

In the Shadows (the first fic in the series) summary:

On one side is Luka, 140-year-old Snake Miraculous holder and keeper of the Guardian's secrets, on the other is Marinette Dupain-Cheng, a relatively newly minted hero of Paris and Guardian of the Miracle Box. Each is looking to fulfill their promises to their now gone mentors to reunite the Kwamis and keep them safe. Sounds simple--until you throw in a rocky start, the Atlantic Ocean, Félix Graham de Vanily, and a whole host of secrets…and suddenly simple becomes complicated (story of Marinette's life, right?).

So this is obviously way outside my normal wheelhouse. I don’t typically read Lukanette fics, even ones that turn into FeLuka later on in the series (though boy it becomes apparent quickly that the author’s fascinated with FeLuka’s dynamic.) But this one is really good, with the best Luka-centric fics I’ve ever read, and some of the best Felix-centric content as well. I love how Luka has his own baggage here, with all the pressure of wandering around for over a century, looking after the few Miraculous he found, trying to keep what’s left of the Order alive, unaware of Fu’s survival or of the Miraculous user’s re-emergence in Paris. There’s a lot of focus on Luka’s own feelings and thoughts and problems, not just on helping other people with them. 

The plot works even without the romantic aspect, so even if Lukanette isn’t a pairing that draws you in, I still recommend this fic, so long as you don’t actively dislike the pairing itself. And even though it’s a Lukanette fic, Adrien and Alya are treated fairly and with respect. Adrien may not end up with Marinette and is bummed about it, but the narrative is still kind to him overall, there’s clearly no ill well towards him, or Alya for that matter. (There are later fics in the series that focus more on Adrien just healing and coping and living after finding out that his father’s a villain and his mom’s been in the basement this whole time, and in the multiversal travel fic, Alya gets some standout appearances as Scarabella which are fun).

And FELIX - it’s clear that 19thsentry has this whole conception about Felix’s psychology. He’s wrapped in a ton of self-loathing until it started to consume him, made him lash out. Him being a sentimonster, wanting to get the Peacock Miraculous, actually gave him some direction for that at least. And he’s just in this pit of his own making, until he meets Luka, who can see through him when no one else can, who cares for him even though he doesn’t understand why, who’d been through so much over the years and yet kept himself kind. He’s attracted like a moth to a flame, infuriated that he cares, yet not able to stop himself from caring about this mysterious, infuriating musician. 

Yeah if you can’t tell this is the series that really sold me on FeLuka as a couple.

Oh yeah, one of the fics in here is M-rated, and it does earn the M rating for sexual content, though it’s nothing too major.

---

Three’s company by @torvalvt

Kagami has been doing her best for years to ignore her feelings for her friends. It doesn’t help that Adrien and Marinette insist on spending as much time as possible with her, even going so far as inviting her along on their dates together. If only the affection she felt for them wouldn’t get in the way of their relationship. Because it is growing harder and harder to tamp down her feelings with how close they are getting to her.

This is adorable. Adrien and Marinette really want Kagami to join their relationship and she just doesn’t dare hope for it. If you want some adorable Adrigaminette from Kagami’s perspective, I recommend checking this fic out!

---

Hold Me By Both Hands by @angelofthequeers

“I know he said never to take you back,” Plagg mutters. “But he’d change his tune if he knew.” He looks Adrien straight in the eye and, more serious than Adrien’s ever seen him before, says, “There’s someone you gotta meet. He’s been looking for that book for ages.” How differently might the events of season 2 have gone if Adrien had also known of Master Fu from the start?

Look I've literally written a series of essays going over the various aspects of the plot threads in this fic, it's one of the best ML fics I've ever read if you've wanted a fix-it for seasons 2 and 3. Especially with the way Chloe's redemption arc was handled, it's STILL the best Chloedemption arc I've ever read in a Miraculous fic, and I've read a LOT of Miraculous fics.

---

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess by @mexicancat-girl

With Team Miraculous now full-time holders, Ladybug has them patrolling in pairs like her and Chat Noir. New partners Pigella and Purple Tigress get along phenomenally, their easy banter and similar wavelengths making working with each other a joy in and out of combat. But sometimes Tigress is surprised just how close she is with her partner. Sometimes she tries not to feel too guilty thinking about it.

There’s some nice Julerose here! I love them kinda getting into a lovesquare with each other, though it’s not as much of a problem as it is in canon since it’s reciprocal in every relationship and they’re both down for a poly. It’s fun, and I love the “Luka attempting to woo some of his love interests” plot going on in the background XD.

---

How Could I Not? by SorryJustAnotherPerson

In fairy tale books, Princesses were saved by nights from ferocious dragons. Those books were not their story, but Rose was happy to flip over a new page with her Juleka every single day. Many years ago, she was put to this tower by her parents and her kingdom, along with a fire breathing dragon, so she could find her prince charming one day. How foolish for them to not calculate her falling in love with the dragon. I mean seriously. How could she not?

I love fairy tale type stories, especially fractured fairy tales. And Juleka being a dragon is awesome. This is just a fun and adorable story.

---

The echoes there of me and you (The voices that are carrying this tune) by @tiredfloridianbutverygay

Juleka finds herself gifted an old castle in Scotland by an auntie she never even knew she had. At first, she's thinking she'll use it as a vacation home. Then she meets Rose, a ghostly blonde woman from another time who's been alone for decades and who's achingly in need of a friend. Juleka's never believed in the paranormal, the supernatural but it's hard to deny the blonde's existence. It's also hard to deny her growing affection for the specter. The specter, who Juleka knows should be moving on and the specter who Juleka knows might just need a bit of help doing so...

[princess-of-the-corner]

Uh, suggestion for Hikari Lives AU . . . if Toya is still going to be Dabi at some point, Shoto's scar is his fault? Like, not on purpose! But a training accident, or even the kettle thing, & Toya has all this guilt about hurting his baby brother? Cause I'm assuming Rei is in a healthier headspace here, so she wouldn’t have all that happen. & AfO manipulates Toya, cause he hurt his brother - something there?

no and yes and no?

Okay so taking bits at a time I don't want it to be Toya's thing. Toya would be very careful with his fire considering he knows it hurts him and can hurt most of the family. Plus with Shoto's specific burn it's- to replicate that with fire, you'd need to hold the flames on his face for a few moments, which is more intentional. Boiling water does the job faster because it stays there even if you react quickly to wipe it off it stays.

So yeah I think having the boiling water thing still happen but when/how is up in the air.

The thing about the family being healthier is that it's 'healthier' not '100% healthy'. All three adults still have their various traumas to work though and at times the others and their kids do suffer for it. It's just better here because Hikari is still here and involved. Out of the trio she's 1.) best at coping mechanisms in general 2.) the one with the best idea of what a healthy childhood should look like and 3.) she has the emotional awareness, confidence, and assertiveness to directly address her partners problems when they're going off the rails.

So like. Specifically with Rei. Her mental health may be more managed, but the problems are pre-existing. So the chances of her having a very bad day, disassociating, and then lashing out at whoever approaches her is still on the table. It just might not happen when it does, or it may happen less overall (I go into this more in Road to Hell, but the tea kettle incident wasn't the first time she did that, just the first time with lasting consequences and the push that made Enji realize she needs professional help)

Swinging back to Toya!

Due to things being healthier and having better overall communication, Toya gets a lot more support. His parents are still very worried for him, but they're working with him more. So he gets the Hero Training like he wanted! And follows most of the story beats in CC re: going to UA and becoming a Hero for a bit.

But AfO is a fucker who kind of.... assumed things. Like tbh even in CC he was kinda lucky he was right on Enji being a shitty parent. So here AfO is assuming similar things. That Enji and Hikari 'bought' Rei to make fire/ice children for them to live vicariously through and forced them into Heroism and yadda yadda.

So we still get Toya 'dying' and then waking up to get gaslit by AfO.

Except here it doesn't work because this version of Toya had more outright love and support and knows that his parents love him. So the manipulation tactics don't work.

But Toya is also smart and realizes it's better to play along 1.) so he doesn't get killed anyway and 2.) so he can get information on what the hap is fuckening and 3.) he realizes real quick that AfO took Hikari's Quirk so this is a little bit of personal revenge.

[skiptomy]

Vent post; feel free to ignore unless you have very specific advice for how to live as a disabled artist in an increasingly hostile world.

Feeling less than stellar as of late. I'm trying to come to terms with my disability, but it's so fuckin hard cause I still live in a world that needs so much from me. I feel like I'm constantly dipping in and out of burnout. (Which makes a lot fuckin more sense now that I know I'm ADHD and autistic) But I literally can't do anything to stop it because I can't stop working or anything like that.

Most months I barely make enough for groceries, and I haven't been able to save money in.... Ever. Which sucks because there's so much shit I need to replace or fix. I need a new computer because even after completely factory resetting mine (and accidentally losing about three years worth of files despite thinking they were safe on the cloud) my comp still breaks down every other time I go to draw, and it takes an exceptionally long time to do even basic tasks like open the Internet.

I need to get my car re-registered, get an oil change, probably new tires, and who knows what else. I'm so fucking lucky to have a car at all, but there is kind of no alternative since public transit is barely a thing around where I live. Even if it was, I physically wouldn't be able to walk to the stops.

Almost all my clothes have holes or are from like eight years ago or just don't fit anymore. I have like three pairs of shoes and one is breaking. I don't have money for some of the meds I need and I definitely don't have money for medical aids that could really help.

I think I'm getting extra down on myself about all this because I lost my spot at the tattoo shop I was working at. I completely understand why, they have limited space and need reliable artists who are there all the time.

I can't be.

Most days I can barely wake up. I've got maybe 7- 10 good days out of any month and that's being generous. My health is getting worse and worse and it really doesn't seem like there is much I can do about it, mostly because money is such a problem that any significant improvement (a functioning wheelchair for bad days, some kind of management for chronic fatigue, even just good healthy food) seems entirely impossible.

Getting on disability is technically an option but it takes so long and I don't even know where to begin. And I wouldn't know what to do in the meantime before it kicks in. Plus, who the fuck knows how stable that's going to be, or if it would end up fucking me over if I ever wanted to actually legally marry my partner.

I'm just so scared. About everything. But mostly about being a burden. Being a disappointment. I'm in pain all the time and the only thing I can think about is how much I just want to draw and be able to sit up for a couple hours without feeling like I need to take a nap. I want to do so much, and I can't do almost any of it.

What do you even do with that? How do you cope? "Take it easy, be kind to yourself" Sure, but how do you do that in practice in a world that demands so much and causes so much guilt for failing to give everything you have and more.

I appreciate you so much if you've read this far. It's nice to be able to put it to words even if it's scary and doesn't really fix anything. I'm just scared and frustrated and need to let some of it out in a non-destructive way. And hey, if there are other disabled folks out there dealing with similar shit, I see you and I love you even if I don't know you. Maybe we'll get through this together. Especially if we share any and all tips n tricks.

It's a tough world out there. Be kind where you can.

[thestrangestthing89]

Mike character analysis - Season 2

This is a continuation of my in-depth Mike character analysis. The first season can be found here, here, and here. I am basing this off the theory that Mike started realizing his feelings for Will were different than Lucas and Dustin by the end of season 1. By season 2 I think Mike realizes that he's gay and in love with Will. His behavior honestly makes no sense to me otherwise. This is in 5 Parts.

When season 2 picks up, it has been almost a full year since the end of season 1. We learn 2 key points right away - that Will has been having flashbacks to the upside-down since he got back and goes to the doctor regularly. This seems to frequently interrupt his school days and causes Mike in particular to worry. And the second point is that Mike has undergone some serious behavioral changes. This is understandable considering the trauma the group went through in season 1, but it's important to note here that the trauma isn't over. They are still going through it. And it's because of my first point - Will is back but still not ok. There is no resolution or time to grieve and it's one of the main reasons for the change in Mike.

Mike is getting in trouble at school a lot, his grades aren't good, and he has an attitude problem. A thing his parents are losing their patience with. His punishment is to get rid of his toys and when he suggests they have too much emotional value, he gets mocked by Ted who says they are just toys. Mike not only has to get over his feelings about what happened but he isn't allowed to be attached to things. Something that stands in stark contrast to Karen's behavior toward an 18 year old Nancy in season 4, when she tells her she can keep her stuffed animals. Nancy is allowed to be emotionally attached. Mike isn't. He is being sent a clear message. His emotions are an inconvenience to others. And the reason for this brings me to my next point.

Mike is shown to talk to El on the radio regularly. He's counting days and seems to just be talking about random things i.e. telling her about his day. Now he doesn't know that she's listening. As much as he says he believes she's alive there is no proof he actually believes this. He does absolutely nothing to go look for her. And he has no reason to. He saw her "die". There is no indication that this isn't true. And the most important note that I think I will make in this whole analysis is this - This behavior isn't cute or romantic. It's grief. And we know this for A FACT because we have seen this exact same scene before - with Hopper in season 1. Hopper calls his ex-wife repeatedly. He is often shown popping pills and drinking excessively. He isn't coping with the death of his daughter well. It lead to his divorce. His ex-wife moved on, re-married and had another kid. And Hopper is stuck by himself with his grief. So he calls her sometimes. Just to check in and he tries to reminisce. It's his way of holding on to his daughter and their life together. And no one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, interprets Hoppers behavior as cute and romantic. He is clearly struggling and depressed. And the fact that he's an adult here combined with the fact that we know he has substance abuse issues is enough to help the audience realize that Hopper isn't ok. He's not trying to get back together with his ex-wife. He's trying to keep the connection to his daughter alive. EVERYONE WATCHING UNDERSTANDS THIS.

So then WHY is it that when we see this same scene play out with Mike, it's suddenly just adorable. Because of the only thing that is different - Mike is a little boy. Between his parents and the GA, Mikes feelings are once again oversimplified and dismissed. He's a little boy of course he must be in love with El because why else would he call her? He's a teen of course he has an attitude. This way of thinking is seriously problematic and it's a large part of the reason why Mike isn't coping well - because no one notices or understands his pain, and certainly no one is helping him go through it. It is emphasized by the Wheeler parents that Mike needs to just get over his attitude. They've been patient long enough. And while he's at it, he needs to get rid of his toys - parts of his childhood - because it's time to grow up now (the phrase "man up" is heavily implied in these conversations). Because the Wheeler parents have this attitude, the GA does too. We've seen this EXACT THING before, too. Lucas and Dustin suggest in season 1 that Mike has feelings for El, so he must even though there is no indication from his behavior that he does. Mike has a bad attitude, well his parents say it's time to get over it so he must. He calls El all the time - must be because he's in love with her. Couldn't be grief. Doesn't matter that we saw Hopper do it, doesn't matter that we know this is normal behavior for grieving people. People often talk to or write letters to the dead. It can be a coping mechanism, but it can also be unhealthy if the person can't let that go and this is exactly what we see Mike doing.

It's a way to over-simplify Mike's feeling and it's entirely because it makes people uncomfortable. So if the GA (and his parents) don't want to see his grief, it's easy to dismiss it as just a little teen angst. It's easy to dismiss it as him having a crush on El - because why else would he be talking to a girl. I know I say this a lot but it's because it's important. People can't understand why anyone talks to someone of the opposite sex if it's not because of romantic interest and it carries over into their interpretations of Mike and El's relationship. They can't understand why he would be talking to her and the reason he does is this - he feels guilty that she "died" helping him find his friend. This is less palatable than a simple crush. Grief is complex and ugly so we need to hide it away.

It's so much easier to dismiss his feelings as the most simplistic answer, but this not only is the reason why Mike is struggling to process his emotions, it's extremely insulting because it implies that he doesn't have any complex feelings to think about. And people dismiss it because he's a boy. They don't dismiss Hopper - he's an adult and is entitled to his grief. They don't dismiss Nancy's attachment to her stuffed animals - it's cute that she wants to keep them. It's Mike specifically who isn't allowed his feelings. Which is why I will never accept or respect the point of view that Mike loves El because he called her a lot. Because Mike's well-being and what he wants and needs isn't being taken into consideration at all. This is a theme that continues through the rest of the series with every character and the audience - except for Will. Part 2 here.

[beatriceeagle]

Ok so follow-up to the timeline question (sorry, I’m re-watching the series and just discovered your meta, so I am now re-obsessed): Since we know that Peter is already upset in one foot but still manages to be friendly up through the end of the year, why do you think that angst suddenly gets dialed up when they get to Wellington? How does he suddenly go from agreeing to live with Balth to pushing him away entirely? Obviously any answer is total speculation but I’m just curious what others think

"Let's Speculate About Peter" should probably be the name of my blog, honestly. (Singing it to the tune of "Let's Generalize About Men" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.)

Okay, as you say, most of this is more vibes-based than anything I can tie to cold hard evidence. But I think to answer your question I need to start at the end: How did Peter go from agreeing to live with Balth to pushing him away entirely?

And the answer to that is that he didn't. At no point in the series, and I think probably at no point before the series, does Peter push Balthazar away entirely. Even at his absolute most self-destructive, even when he's deliberately picking fights and coming home drunk, even when he's shouting that Balthazar doesn't need to hold his fucking hand, Peter is always still reaching out to Balth in some ways, some of the time. They do homework together, and Peter invites Balthazar to town with him ("VACUUMING"). They go in together on Hero's birthday present ("Birthday Presents"). Even in "RULES," probably six hours after their huge blow-up in "TOWN," he agrees to Vegan Fridays as soon as Balthazar offers to cook.

The issue that Balthazar had with Peter, pretty much from the beginning (other than that he really, really wanted Peter to stop self-destructing) was that Peter was sending mixed signals. There's a loaded look, then Peter skips his gig. Peter invites Balthazar out for a night on the town, then shouts that he's not his boyfriend. Chickens out on the "CHICKEN" kiss, then tries to kiss him in "Stay."

So when it comes to his behavior towards Balthazar, at least, Peter's actions at the beginning of LoLiLo aren't really a sharp break; it's more of a gradual decline, with lots of ups and downs along the way. And I think that's true of Peter's emotional state generally. He was deeply unhappy in "one foot," and he was deeply unhappy in "RETURNS." And because there's clear evidence of times he wasn't unhappy in the interim, it feels like there needs to be some direct, obvious cause for the downturn, when I think really it was more that he got gradually less and less able to suppress the feelings that were always there. If you were going to look for a direct stressor, I guess I would say that being away from home and suddenly exposed to a lot more alcohol probably did not help. But that's not really a cause—it's just a coping mechanism that causes more problems.

I don't have a ton of direct evidence for that reading, but I think it works in tandem with the push-pull thing Peter had going on with Balthazar, as well—Peter pushes Balth away when he's feeling particularly self-loathing, and pulls towards him when he's feeling lonely or happy, and so the fact that that dynamic has been going on pretty much unbroken kind of indicates that Peter's emotional swings have been too. And you know, we never talked about it much in the rewatch metas because, honestly, Balthazar is clearly taking the brunt of the emotional damage of that phase of their relationship, but I also imagine that the push-pull wasn't particularly healthy for Peter either! Like, he decides he's such a fuck-up that he needs to push Balthazar away, and now oh, look, he's made Balthazar unhappy, clearly he's an even bigger fuck up than he thought. I think once that cycle started it could probably feed into a lot of pre-existing bad thoughts.

[polyhexian]

Ah okay I have an idea for Jasper's mental health journey in Eventually.

I've got two meta reasons for why Jasper should be mostly-mentally-stable. The first is Hunter, obviously; the kid's going through it, and he needs this new parental figure in his life to be, like, okay. As delightful as Jasper's breakdown in MH has been, it would be super bad for everyone involved if his mental health was anywhere near that point in Eventually. The second reason is CAMILA, who just became a mother of 6 and absolutely does not deserve to also be shoehorned into playing therapist for a grown man. I love the idea of Camila and Jasper being friends, and Camila deserves to have a friend who, while definitely traumatized, is also mostly on top of his shit. Once he's no longer unconscious on her couch I think Jasper would be a huge help around the house and with the kids and he and Camila should be the responsible adults supporting EACH OTHER, so we don't want him to be a hidden wreck or a ticking time bomb.

So the first few years after his "death" Jasper reads parenting books as a coping mechanism. It helps him visualize where Hunter's at in his development. Every so often he thinks "he's probably taking his first steps right now" or "he should be speaking with a few words per sentence by now" and it's sad but it helps.

But eventually the baby books run out (is there really much of a market for them past, like, age 5?), and also Jasper is well aware of the fact that he left his child in an extremely bad situation. He knows what Belos is capable of, and while he has hope his kid PROBABLY won't ever see his own spinal cord, he's not stupid enough to think that being called "nephew" will actually protect Hunter from all of it. Child abuse is a thing, and it's a thing that's usually perpetrated by, y'know, family members.

There aren't any books entitled How To Unindoctrinate Your Estranged Child Soldier, but that doesn't stop him. He reads everything he can find on the subject and learns about allllll the things. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, gaslightning, manipulation, CSA. (He hopes to the Titan he won't need to know about that last one, but then he wonders if it'd be preferable to, like, being beaten to the edge of death and dragged back from the brink with healing magic multiple times, and then he just feels awful that he's even trying to decide what the "better" sort of abuse to endure would be.)

And pretty regularly he happens upon a paragraph that is, like, scarily relevant to his own lived experience and he needs to reevaluate some things. Maybe he tries to brush it off, but the more he interacts with Hunter, the less he's able to do that.

Book: Believing that love is transactional is, in fact, a sign of trauma, and not good or healthy.

Jasper: …haha, right, okay.

Hunter, at their next fight: I am LOYAL to Emperor Belos, I OWE him, and I HAVE to keep working hard so he'll LOVE me!

Jasper: Oh my Titan okay yeah this is really upsetting to hear and deal with, actually.

Sometimes after their fights Jasper has to just…go lay down and stare at the ceiling for a while before re-reading his self-help books and grumbling while he takes notes like ugh, FINE, they were RIGHT. He and Hunter end up working on their issues after their reunion because they see themselves reflected in each other and they HATE it.

Jasper: Look, I'M not important. YOU'RE the one who's important here and I WILL sacrifice myself for you.

Hunter: Dear Titan this is infuriating.

Luz: Now YOU know how it feels.

Hunter: Maybe it'd be better if I'd just died, that way I'd stop causing problems for everyone I love.

Jasper: *deep breath*

At some point in the Human Realm Hunter has a bad mental health day and locks himself in the basement, and Camila finds Jasper sitting at the kitchen table and she's like, you okay? And he's like, I've read a lot about this, but all my books and notes are back in the Demon Realm and I feel like I'm flying blind and have no idea what I'm doing. And she's like, actually that's pretty par for the course when it comes to being a parent. And he's like, oh really? That's kinda reassuring, thanks. I'll just wait and see if he wants to talk about it later.

omg.... eventually!jasper is like... he's so isolated, he doesnt have anyone he trusts and he doesnt have a single person he'd call a friend. he's fallen back on the same thing he did under belos in a way- there is one single driving motivation in his life and absolutely nothing else matters. whether it was serving the emperor or saving hunter, he HAS dedicated everything inside of him to one single person at a time. probably not great, but! he could be doing worse. also, MH jasper is having a lot of breakdowns, but its also been less than two years for him lmfao. for eventually!jasper its been sixteen!! hes had a lot of time to gather his shit together

im actually imagining the isolation is less like. immediately of a problem because hes fairly used to it. he only ever had one friend before and he didnt much trust him either, not with his secrets. so being alone is... well, just what hes used to. hes also probably like. deeply in hiding wherever he is. he doesnt have magic and his face is all fucked up and if word got back to belos about it, he would totally suspect if not outright know.

ive kind of got this mental image of- you know at the end of the time travel episode when belos goes into his little cave house and its. like. hes got normal house stuff in there. like he has shirts hanging to dry on the cave walls. sure theres like evil grimwalker stuff in there too but its the domestic items i find hysterical. so like. im imagining jasper has found himself a nice secluded cave to bunker down in but also hes had sixteen years to straight of domesticate that place. there are definitely couches in there. hes got a CB. hes probably got running water and hes stealing electricity from the neighbors. and cable. and then just books fucking everywhere. jesus christ. theyre everywhere. what else would he fucking do with his time; hunter isnt allowed out of the castle on weekdays. that is. so much time to just Do Nothing.

he probably does hang out with the CATTs on non hunter missions too, if only because some of them will fuck over belos which he actively wants, or has no impact on the hunter situation either way, but improving his relationship with the CATTs before he inevitably pisses them off again is always a good idea. also, its something to fucking do.

god yeah just. camila with this bizarre man in her house. hes not having breakdowns, he doesnt like not understand that other people have feelings, hes mostyl together, hes just fucking weird. he hasnt been around people for this long in basically his entire life. hes not wearing a mask and hes never spent so much time without a mask in his entire life. hunter is here???? hes spent 16 years trying to save hunter and uhhhh shit i did it. i am not entirely sure what to do now. turns out you can spend sixteen years planning out this reunion and then it all go out the window immediately. also hes been living in a cave and hes forgotten basic rules of being in a house sometimes. hes very POLITE and gracious to camila especially like, i imagine both him and hunter frequently thank her and offer To Do Anything She Needs and its like. so fucking funny to see them both just Like That.

omg hunter gets to actually meet hawk hunter. "haha yeah he saved my life. hes like three hundred years old and he cant talk. look at this gnarly scar hes got. he bites me a lot"

[iantimony]

2023 year in review roundup

wow!! what a fucking year!!! goodbye and good riddance! happy first day of 2024!

this year i did 37 tuesdayposts! there were 53 tuesdays so that's about 70%! some of them were on fri/sat instead as shabbosposts but i think posting on tuesday or even monday does just work better for some fucking reason. maybe because friday and saturday are days that i am most likely to do New Activities for making/playing/watching/reading??? and so on monday or tuesday i can recap the just-finished weekend. shrug! we love tuesday so it's fine.

listening listened to all of twilight mirage and a little over half of partizan! shrieking shack podcast, just king things, well there's your problem, miscellaneous music (maneskin probably a notable winner in there)

reading a lot of little articles. a little tgcf. SO much fanfic. 'every heart a doorway' (bad). 'birthday of the world' le guin (good).

playing a little disco elysium. a little minecraft. a little nier automata. a little hadesgame. a LOT of pokemon go. and i got into magic the gathering this year!

watching a lot of youtube videos. so many gd youtube videos. evangelion, history of the world part ii, cunk on earth, vox machina animated series, cowboy bebop, first season of peaky blinders, the new tgcf donghua season!

making i did very little drawing/painting/illustration beyond life drawing a few times...however i was very prolific in crafting! i also theoretically made valentines gifts. i do not remember what they were tho lol.

fiber arts: i completed a big embroidery project (fermenting dregs album art hoodie), quantum shawl, mesh market bag, case for my knew laptop, finished that blue tank top even though i hate it, fixed the lining on my yellow knitted cowl, made a little knitted headphone top cover that i will probably redo differently, headband ear warmer for my roommate's mom, and FINALLY i just barely finished the scarf for my SO before the end of 2023!

print block carving: wristwatch print, gavelbocken holiday card print

misc/writing: some songxuexiao fencing au. some harrowhark abhorsen au. neocities website!

and so much pottery! this is all of it, barring the things i already gave away as presents before this photo (two pots and a little box and the little raven guy), but wow! that's so many fuckin object!

misc what a fucking year. some bad! had to file a big car insurance claim! got really sick while abroad and that persisted for a long fucking time! mini summer breakdown! some good stuff too - passed quantum mechanics FOREVER good fucking bye, did my first successful academic conference, finally started feeling better around the end of the year! learned my lesson: it's not fuckin worth stressing yourself to death over, and also i can't just Be At Home Aimlessly for months any more. it's bad for my mental health.

reviewing 2023 resolutions and goals --> I’d love to start writing again and play more horn but we’ll see i basically didn't do any creative writing at all this year barring a few lines of fanfic ideas (the abhorsen/tlt crossover one) HOWEVER i READ a lot of fanfic to marinate in and i played a LOT more french horn!! i joined the little youth orchestra which is like, uber goofy, but it means ive been playing on a regular basis again!

--> I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff i spent all year meaning to do this and kept pushing it off so it rolls over into next year.

--> I really want to kind of dial those [unhealthy coping mechanisms] back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process lol lmao. nah. but definitely rolling it over into 2024.

--> I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general actually not bad! basically zero tailoring but i did a pretty good job wearing some cute outfits.

--> I’ve been pretty good about being active so I’d like to keep that up, I still can’t do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay once again: lol lmao. health issues had me really regress in some of my gains goals. plus side is toes are doin pretty normal.

--> a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I’m really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving. oh it moved! in a good way! i'm making good progress and hopefully i will keep that momentum going!

--> finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again a little! i should have been putting these in playing as i went oops. the tabletop group i've run was a little fallow this year due to at least half of our group, including myself, not being in Tabletop Mood but we've played a lot of res arcana and other such games instead.

i had a few other resolutions in my digital planner on my ipad that didn't go in the writeup last year: namely, practice languages more (i did practice my mandarin a little but did not really learn any hebrew or korean unfortunately) and establish a non-software component of my research (nope, not in the cards, but i'm hoping to do something else this summer to let me get better with physical data/setups), and finishing the masters degree requirements (that will be the end of this upcoming spring semester), but overall i really did hit most of my resolutions and goals! even with being ill for a while! (except the finances. i am simply not looking at them <3)

2024 resolutions and goals

definitely some rollover! i will format this to hopefully be a little easier to respond to next year:

- get back on a regular workout schedule: swimming 1x a week, weights once or twice a week. would like to try and work towards my One Pullup goal again. would also be cool to try and work towards a hand/headstand. - try and be more mindful. i'm going to continue the grief therapy but also think about meditating more, doing more yoga, and so on. - there's a gallery on main street that solicits work from local artists for bimonthy themed exhibitions and i really want to submit at least one thing to it this year! the one due by end of january is themed 'florals', and the one two months after that is 'layers', so i'd really like to submit something to one of those. - more weird art! use that big canvas i bought in literally 2022! paint!!! - finally put together that travel journal from korea & japan (and also scrapbook-ify the papers i have leftover in a pile from that) - also, maybe do current scrapbook a little different? might need a new binder at the very least. - hang up that expensive quilt i bought in august - speaking of quilt: do some hand quilting, english paper piercing! i have so much fucking fabric! - find a new apartment to move into that hopefully won't suck! - try to secure some sort of summer internship or project that will let me develop some new skillsets that i might not be getting with my current research - finish the masters degree - write...a paper? for the work i just presented??? - keep tweaking neocities and make some more pages - keep track of recipes this year as well in my making section

i might start a little spreadsheet this year to keep better track of all my stuff because i really did Not want to go through all my separate listening and reading sections and extract what i liked the most, etc. this post required me to first back up a few extra early tuesdayposts from this year to dreamwidth, and then skim all of them to accumulate the above, and that was kinda a pain. and i love an excuse to start a new spreadsheet.

we did it! happy 2024! i don't think i have anything else to add to this wrapup but if i think of something i'll tack it into the upcoming Normal Tuesdaypost tomorrow! good job good night and good luck everyone!

[trans-axolotl]

re: psych ward alternatives (so tw for psych stuff) - what do you think about PHPs and residential (for mental illness)? it seems like people tend to have less horrible experiences but then i doubt a PHP would be appropriate for someone who is actively suicidal, and residential still sounds like… not a great experience a lot of the time. i’ve seen both used for people with eating disorders in particular, do you think that would be a better alternative to psych wards or still more of the same shit?

Hey! So I have a pretty long answer to this cause I think it’s a complex topic and I’m going to do my best to answer it with nuance. You probably already know a lot of this stuff, but I’m just going to ramble a bit for any followers who aren’t as familiar. First I do just want to define the ways I’m using the different terms cause I know that these things can mean different things in different countries . When I talk about psych wards, I am referring to inpatient units, whether part of a larger hospital or not, that have the power to hold people involuntarily and is usually intended for shorter term stays for crisis stabilization. In America, this is usually the most restrictive level of care. Residential treatment is a separate facility that is focused on long term mental health treatment for weeks, months, or years, and can be either focused on a specific diagnosis (eating disorders or substance use, for example), or be a general mental health facility. Residential treatment really varies depending on the specific facility, but usually is on a secure unit with many restrictions and carceral aspects, although there are often some freedoms that are not present in the psych ward and many residential treatment centers only take voluntary patients. When I refer to Partial hospitalization programs, I’m talking about programs where you still live at home, but go to a facility multiple days a week to get group therapy and treatment while still having more freedom than either psych wards or residential treatment.

On a societal level, I don’t think that residential treatment or PHP is an alternative to psych wards that fixes the problems with psych wards. The underlying factors and approach to treatment that creates the conditions of violence and coercion in psych wards are still just as present in almost all levels of care in the current mental health system, and although the way that these things show up is going to look different based on the unique aspects of different levels of care, residential treatment and PHP doesn’t solve the larger problem. The way the American mental healthcare system is structured is so based on this pathologization model where autonomy is deprioritized over pretty much everything else. The specific abuses of involuntary treatment in psych wards is fundamentally caused by the dynamic in the psychiatric system where violence is easily justified in the name of cure. Mental illness is treated as the worst case scenario, with little room for other ways of understanding one’s lived experience and where often time the things people actually want (like access to specific meds, trauma treatment, ability to use stigmatized coping methods) is denied. The psych system is very much set up to be a “one size fits all” approach to wellness where instead of making room to understand neurodiversity as an inherent part of human experience, all mental illness is instantly assumed to be able to be scientifically observable and treatable in a way that ends up excluding many peoples lived experience of mental illness. The psych system is really not well set up to actually provide care and support to try to improve the mental distress that is very real and that people do need and want help for. Which is why I personally dream for a restructuring of the entire psych system that moves beyond the DSM, embraces harm reduction, is actively abolitionist, and empowers people to make autonomous choices. There’s no way to find that in a system based off control, birthed from eugenics, racism, and ableism, where capitalism shapes every available treatment option.

So under those conditions, residential treatment and PHP are not really a liberatory alternative to psych wards that solve the problems from psych wards. I wouldn’t advocate for more residential treatment on a policy level and act like it would be a solution to psychiatric incarceration. Residential treatment in particular still has many of the same problems as psych wards, as it really is still institutionalization and all the violence and coercion that comes with that. There is still supervision, power imbalances and abuses of those powers, and little respect for autonomy. A lot of places that are certified as “residential treatment centers” are basically just long term psych wards. Although there are some that do allow for more freedom, it’s such a broad category that it’s hard to know what to expect. PHP is something that I do feel more positive about advocating for, as it has less total control and you are not locked up, but it still works under some of the same mentalities.

On an individual level, however, I think that residential treatment and PHP can be options that individuals use as personal alternatives to psych wards in terms of their own treatment needs. There just simply aren’t enough widespread accessible alternatives for us to use as mentally ill people, and when our distress gets above a certain level where we cannot stay safe or don’t have the support we need in our communities, we often have to engage with the psychiatric system whether we like it or not. I think it’s unrealistic to pretend like we don’t have some sort of relationship with the psych system, whether that relationship is based in total rejection of any psych treatment, whether we take meds but don’t go to therapy, whether we can cope with just outpatient treatment or whether we have higher support needs that cannot be easily met outpatient. There can absolutely be benefits to mental health treatment, even under the current system—we usually just have to put up with a ton of bullshit in order to access moments of healing. And I think that residential treatment can be a better option than psych hospitalization depending on your needs, and that absolutely PHP is a less restrictive environment that can be a good option for some people. I personally have structured my approach to mental health treatment in order to avoid psych wards at all costs, but I’m more open to residential treatment because there is more risk management I can do there. With residential treatment, I could research beforehand, compare different places, and figure out what my own personal level of tolerance and nonnegotiable needs were. In my residential treatment facility, I was able to have my phone, do art, and knew that I could never be involuntarily held or forcibly restrained and drugged. For me, that worked as an alternative to psych hospitalization, but for some people, months spent in treatment is not what they need for short term crisis stabilization. Lots of residential treatment centers are also just as fucked up as psych wards and just as restrictive, so you need to be able to do research and make sure that you’re not ending up somewhere that’s just as fucked up. I think that PHP is a helpful thing that I wish was more accessible, and generally doesn’t have as many risks as higher levels of care. Even though a lot of PHP is bullshit, having the structure and support during the day can be invaluable when you’re really in distress. It really depends on your needs and what options are available to you, but I think it’s really important for us as mad/mentally ill/ neurodivergent people to be made aware of what all our options are so that we can make informed decisions.

Overall: I don’t think residential treatment and PHP are alternatives to psych wards in a societal sense because I don’t think that they solve the underlying problems of psych wards, but I think that on an individual level when you’re navigating the current system, that they can be important levels of care to consider and make informed decisions about.

Would love to hear other peoples thoughts on this!

[teddypmedley]

I did a grief tarot reading because of OFMD s2e8

spreads: general grief spread, easing grief, healing the wound, finding calm in dark times, hope, summary of challenges, past-present-future summary of the whole reading.

This is called "a spread for grief".

The immediate card is 4 of Cups, which I am interpreting as a commentary on the kind of grief we have. "You have had it with [the given] relationship. It's going nowhere and has nothing to offer—or so you think. Before writing it off, think about what you've put into the relationship and how you'd really feel if it was over. If it's done, it's done. If not, do your part to revitalize it. You'll both be happier in the long run". I interpret the relationship at hand to be our relationships with OFMD fan content creation.

The leftmost card, XI Justice recommends we consider the future ramifications of all of our possible choices when deciding how to behave in a situation. Understanding what power we do have in this situation is important, because it leads us to potential outlets for our feelings. It's very important that we think about how we behave while we grieve.

The center card, X Wheel of Fortune, reminds us to look for lessons in our sadness and opportunities for growth. The position of this card means that this reminder may help us with self care.

The rightmost card, XVI The Tower, acknowledges that this is a worldview-shifting loss. "Some belief that we hold dear, that is a deep part of how we define ourselves, is being called into question." We should keep in mind that sometimes destruction is necessary to create a new understanding, which may serve us better.

The bottom card, 2 of Wands (reversed), asks us to decide whether we are willing to make a commitment to a changed route. It is probable that we will not regret making a change. It is worth considering that this may be a new or a broken partnership of some sort.

This is called "easing grief"

The leftmost card, Queen of Pentacles asks us to remember what we are good at. She has a lot to do with creation and accolades, like making an impressive craft that people enjoy. We might interpret this card as a recommendation to remember the skills and recognition that this fandom has helped us grow. The positivity and care for each other that we have developed, the nurturing environments that have been ideal for improving our crafts and making community.

The center card, Ace of Swords, gives us something new and positive to look forward to. We have a new challenge which can be addressed through thought/the mind, and it is entirely possible to find healthy ways to face the challenge or cope with/solve the problem.

The rightmost card, XXI The World asks us not to let go of our goal of Becoming. Remember what we've been working towards all along. That idea is still helpful, still relevant, and still worth striving toward. Whether that's improving our crafts, making our community, or growing as individuals, it's all worth considering part of our future. A second card came with that one. XVII The Star reminds us of our hope. A time of safety and peace is attainable now in order to look toward that dream of attaining The World.

This spread is called "healing the wound".

The top card, XVII The Star says that it's hard to release our old hope, that OFMD would be... everything we wanted from a queer show. Our pain is represented by XXI The World, which as we already know is so central to this conversation. We are scared that everything we've been working toward is worthless now.

The bottom cards give us ways to address that pain and begin healing. IX The Hermit says to take time re-evaluating our knowledge and understanding of the world. It's a very good reaction to XVI The Tower, which represents the major shift in understanding we are going through (from the first spread).

3 of Pentacles reminds us: "You have many wonderful skills, and now is the time to put them to good use. Work carefully and thoroughly, doing the best you can. Create things that are useful and things that bring joy to your life. Experience the pleasure of doing something well."

The Queen of Wands reminds us to help by doing, to express ourselves creatively, and to move again after lying still. She also wants us to accept help from each other and keep building community.

This spread is called "finding calm in dark times", and i used my LOTR deck.

A personal strength we should celebrate: V The Hierophant (reversed) represents accepting a lesson. (The card is represented by Elrond, a teacher).

A source of support to utilize: Knight of Wands represents a respite in the form of following a rush of creative inspiration, the pursuit of your latest idea. A secondary card is 8 of Pentacles (reversed) which says not to worry about how hard this pursuit is; you may focus too much on minor details and overanalyze mistakes and forget to look at the bigger picture of progress—if you don't succeed at this creative inspiration, that is OKAY. You might consider a new approach to it, or just set it aside. Maybe just do it for fun. (Knight of Wands is Tom Bombadil).

A reminder to help you stay grounded: 8 of Wands (reversed) there will be barriers between you and the finish line, but you will overcome them. Just be patient.

A step you can take to care for yourself: 3 of Swords says that it is important to take time to mourn, to accept support from loved ones, and to move through the cycles of grief. You are reminded to do the same (as Théoden after hearing about Boromir, if that example is helpful) and remember to express sadness and honor your feelings. You will be stronger for it.

"A spread for hope"

4 of Wands reminds us of our recent milestones, and to value food, cheer, songs, and friends.

10 of Pentacles tells us to embrace the fruits of our efforts and our community and legacy. We may consider how to use our resources to help others.

2 of Pentacles tells us that something useful to do/offer is consider the beginning of a new journey and to be patient with ourselves. It might be helpful to start journaling and take notes about what we have to do and accomplish each day.

The new moon is a time for a fresh start, but it can be hard to see where we're heading.

We're going through a transition period. Be aware of whether you're struggling to move on/forward.

We need to gain that momentum, even though it's hard. The best thing to do is to keep going.

Sometimes it's not helpful to strive to feel grateful when we're down. It definitely doesn't help to get mired in guilt about ungratefulness. It's okay to just mostly feel hurt and angry. But it also might make us feel better to remember what we do feel grateful for. The positives: the friendships, the finished fan creations, everything I've talked about so far.

(These symbols can be good to meditate on if you have trouble with any of these ideas).

These symbols are a really good past-present-future summary of all of the spreads I've done in this reading.

We should remember our successes in terms of the realization of our past goals.

As a first step we should acknowledge our troubles and contact people for help.

Finally, we should consider our emerging journey.

[revive-the-fandom]

Genuine question. Why do think jack frost doesn't like pranks?

sorry for leaving this so long, i was originally just gonna link this post and be done with it but i kinda want a second go at explaining it??? if not for anyone else then for my own sake lol

tbh that first post kinda reads as juvenile and defensive now that i re-read it...

i'll link @rotg-goc-headcanons idk if you were the anon or not but i figure you might be interested in a... more coherent explanation..

in the original post i got a bit side-tracked trying to prove one thing over the other. but i don't think this is a black/white situation in actuality. people are full of contradictions and i think in trying to prove that jack 100% at all times did not like pranks was working against me rather than for me.

so, i want to change my statement:

i disagree with the popular opinion (present in most fics and a lot of other fanworks) that jack is the prankster archetype.

i see a lot of people claiming that jack would be the type to set up pranks just for the fun of it. the kind of stuff you'll find on old school youtube where people run into clingfilm or replace icing with toothpaste etc. personally i find that doesn't match up with the canon version of events.

in canon, jack's pranks are very specific - they are a reaction to a specific person, and as such are tailored for that situation and individual.

jack has been seen to use pranks for the following:

to play with other kids and entice them into a game

to encourage the side-lined kid to join the game (and to overcome stereotypes and implied bullying)

as a defence in verbal fights

to deflect attention away from himself

as a distraction strategy in a literal fight

to calm down/cheer up/distract others in stressful situations

to bond with those around him

i think it's important to his character that he's not extreme in his use of pranks as some fanworks might suggest.

jack never seems to use pranks to draw attention to himself, or to make another person uncomfortable. i saw a few responses to my original response that mentioned that jack only really uses his pranks as a way to bring joy to others not to himself (i think it was @giantgirl253 but the tagging doesn't seem to work).

if you think about it, him being the prankster archetype that he's constantly characterised as doesn't mesh with him being good with kids or having the 'fun' centre. he would just come off as annoying (which i suppose is the most likely reason for why he gets written like this - to explain why bunny and north have a somewhat negative first impression of him.

ACTUALLY i think i may have stumbled onto the main problem with how jack is characterised.

a lot of people, in universe and in audience, tend to believe what they're told about jack rather than how we see him behave.)

i'd argue that jacks use of pranks is more in line with this dumb meme:

i'm also gonna reiterate that jack goes through a major character development (ofc he does he's the mc) i bring this up for two reasons:

firstly, bc a lot of people cite that first scene in moscow as a major reason as to why he should be characterised as a prankster when its showing him at his most immature, insecure and selfish point

secondly, bc the scene in moscow is a situation in which jack is still stuck in a neglectful and harmful environment which is eroding his ability to see things clearly (mostly affecting his ability to accept responsibility, something he was capable of in the prologue and the flashback, but not in the first half of the movie). his pranks are as much a (subconscious) cry for help as they are a coping mechanism for his lack of corporeality.

(btw i'm sticking with my original claim that north and sandy are the pranksters of the group. jack just gets carried along bc he's a good sport like that, and bunny... is competitive and insecure lol)

tldr: its not that i think jack dislikes pranks per se, but that jack has specific terms for how, when and who he uses his pranks on. he's not a cluster of personality traits that go full throttle at all times, he knows when to stop, when and where his actions change from playful to cruel.

[galvanizedfriend]

do you ever get into writing slumps but try to write anyway? if so, do you manage to do it? does your work come out as good as when you're inspired?

All the time, nonnie. I think everyone who's into writing goes through slumps every now and then. How long those slumps last and how well I can cope with them varies. 😂

Even going through slumps, I can still sometimes write. There are moments where I can't even bear to open a document, but in others I'll just push through anyway. However, if I have to force it, my writing usually comes out very crappy. I'm definitely not one of those blessed souls who can churn out incredibly inspired words whenever. 😂 It takes some for me to get there.

What I try to do is find things that might get me in the mood to write. Like sometimes I'll just pick up a book. Whenever I see good writing, it usually gets my groove going. With The Wolf, I often had to rewatch certain parts of the show, and that would then make me want to go back and write my fix-it version. What will get you in the mood will change from person to person, so it's really just a matter of figuring out what works for you.

The thing with writing is that, for me, it's a process. I know some people prefer to just type their whole story down and then immediately post it, and that's totally ok. But I'm the kind of person who can't post anything unless I've read it at least twice. I used to have beta readers who would help me spot glaring issues or problems within the story, but not anymore, so I will read the chapters/stories over as many times as I can. If I'm still not happy, I'll keep on editing until I am. That's why it takes me such a long time between updates these days (I'm usually not happy lol). So when I'm writing, at first I don't mind much about the quality, just about getting it out, cause that will be my first draft. I feel it's easier to work the story once I have a rough version.

So what I would say is: just write. If you have the motivation but not the inspiration, write whatever you can. Follow your plot ideas, your scenes, and just get it down. Then you can go back, re-read it and figure out which parts need more work, if you have pacing issues, or continuity issues, or if you need more dialogues, or to add a different scene to make the story flow better, and so on and so forth.

Something that I do a lot is outline the story before I start writing it properly. I have entire stories completely outlined, from start to finish, that I simply can't get myself to write because I don't have the time. 😂 But that helps me to know exactly what I want from a fic, and then reading it over I have a pretty idea whether I'm missing anything. And when I do get to write it (like say with a chapter of The Wolf), it's a wonderful guideline. I know exactly what is going to happen, which scenes I need to work on, in what order, etc. I definitely work better and more easily if I have everything organized from start to finish before I start writing the chapters.

That's how I do it, anyway. But it's really just a matter of finding the thing that will get you in the right mood and help you organize your thoughts better.

Anyway, nonnie, I hope this is helpful! 😊

[madwickedawesome]

@gooberdude101 in reference to this :]

ok so looking at this score it seems to have a lot of different aspects that ppl would take care of (i also listened to the song just for this)

in general i feel like they teach him his line thru piano and thru noel doing everything in his power to sing below his range LMFAO [noel and mischa sit together at the piano and noel tries to keep mischas attention and teach mischa his part but mischa continuously gets distracted for various reasons]

first off i feel like constance would try to handle the basics here. “what’s with the b’s on the side???” is a question only constance has the patience for (but he would get it pretty easily)(AND talia has 5 flats so he can cope. hate him for that)

i think constance would explain it in very simple terms since its not very relevant to how he sounds (since they play the piano to teach him his notes) so she would just be all like “that basically tells the musician what the notes sound like specifically :)"

this rhythm is a little strange if u have no idea how to sightread. ricky acknowledges this. i feel like ricky would play it on both the piano (u do not need to know piano for rhythm dont fret) and on the tamborine . he is very proud of mischa for figuring it out :]

alternatively, constance has less of a rush and uses takadimi (have u ever used takadimi??? literally SO good for learning how to read rhythm i love it) to teach mischa. however it only raises more questions bc mischa does not understand at first why theyre using takadimi and not the words

TO ADD ONTO THAT. before they started using solely noel and the piano they tried to teach him the solfege but he was just confused as to why the words changed. “what do you MEAN la la la sol la la fa fa re. IT SAYS I SING BECAUSE IM HAPPY.” (im really bad at solfege. praying thats correct💀💀💀)

mischa understands that hes on the line furthest to the bottom. thats easy to remember and he remembers the notes :] he does get a little pissed at all his monotone note repeats tho (to the amusement of constance, an alto)

THIS PART. ricky and constance already explained rhythm so he understands that. but everything else is SOO CONFUSING. a natural note. a bunch of rests. a bunch of accents on like every note. why the fuck is it calling him “mf?????”

since its unis, they dont mind as much bc noel sings hella loud and dramatically, but they really just play it for him on the piano til it makes sense💀 penny TRIED to explain the natural to him but he was too far gone to understand

for the accents, they all just told him to “start quiet and end loud” to which he was like ??FOR EACH ONE and they were like “u can figure it out” (he can)(Sorta.)

penny and noel find the mf confusion so amusing but constance feels bad so she just tells him to be medium-loud😭

FOR THE FIRST CODA ricky just signs smth like ‘ur just doing it again’ and it makes sense to mischa!!!

(SORRY IM TOO LAZY TO GET A SCORE THATS NOT ANNOTATED. LMFAOOOOO)

This part.

i think noel would take the reins in teaching him since its not reallyyyyy that complicated. he knows his notes and just has to get his timing right

i feel like mischa has a really bad problem w getting crazy distracted and zoning out while singing which is not good for this part!!! so noel has to tap his arm while they sing it to prepare him for his part

lots of “but why do i have to wait so long” followed by exasperated sighs and resigned explanations followed further by “oh ok but why do i do it twice :)”

TAKES THE LONGEST FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND. the time crunch does NOT help noels reaction to mischas complete blanks All The Time

[^ mischa during any confusing part]

thats all i got!!!!! i think it would take up like 5 days or so to teach him everything and another like. 4 for him to remember all his parts so INSANE TIME CRUNCH LMFAOOOOOO very silly idea that i am in love with please send the fic when ur done!!!!! 💛 :]