#only for said bf to have no clue that they ever even dated

[dinosaur-mayonnaise]

aro fukazawa is canon in my heart

[hockeyboysimagines]

So far from the stars

Chapter 1

Pairings: Jeremy Swayman x Courtney Sullivan

Warnings: language, angst, kissing, alcohol/bars.

No summary because this one is written on the fly! Enjoy. Shoutout to my dear friend @cellythefloshie for sharing her goalie bf with me in light of recent events. If you guys haven’t visited her profile and read her stuff, you’ve been living under a rock.

“Do you wanna get drinks or something tomorrow night?”

Courtney glanced up from her spot on the couch to where Jeremy was sitting and smiled at him.

Most days she felt like the luckiest girl maybe ever to have him in her life. He was sweet, and thoughtful and one of her closest friends, and had been for years. There was really only one issue with their friendship.

He was madly in love with her and she had no idea.

He thought he made it obvious but she either didn’t want to recognize it or truly just didn’t have a clue. It was tough. He felt like his heart was constantly breaking when he saw her go on dates, or someone flirt with her at the bar. Sometimes he just wanted to grab her, shake her, get down on one knee and profess his love for her, but he was too afraid of what might happen when he did. So he would go back to secretly pining, and hanging on her every word, being the best friend he could be until she saw him otherwise.

He didn’t hold it against her, but it had made him a little bit bitter. Anytime they went out together he ended up being in a foul mood by the first time some douche got the courage to go near her. He wasn’t surprised, she was gorgeous and would be anywhere, but in Alaska she was out of everyone’s league.

Including his.

He couldn’t help it though, his feelings were now too big to ignore and he wasn’t sure what else he could do about it. He wouldn’t tell her, he couldn’t, risk losing her friendship if it completely weirded her out. So he would keep it to himself hoping that she would one day feel the same about him.

But he wasn’t holding his breath, because by the time she realized it he might be dead.

“Sure.” She said, smiling sweetly at him. He felt his face get red and his heart fluttered just a little bit.

He felt so stupid and lame every time and if he could he would kick himself in his own ass for how much of an idiot he made of himself around her, but he couldn’t help it.

She was special.

He smiled back trying to keep his cool “Really?”

“Yeah?” She frowned and ember eyebrows knitted tightly “Why wouldn’t I wanna hang out with my best friend?”

Best friend.

Most people would love to hear that, it would make them fuzzy inside.

But it made him sick.

He loved being her best friend, but it wasn’t enough for him anymore. He wanted to be another word that started with a B and ended with a friend, and the only friend he was right now was the friend zone, and by now he’d been there so long he was beginning to grow roots.

“I don’t know. Just wasn’t sure if you had something better to do. It is Friday after all.”

“If I had something better to do I would be out doing it.” She winked and he coughed to cover up the nervous giggle that would escape if he didn’t.

She glanced back down at her phone and started reading him a story from her phone. One of his favorite things to do was listen to her read out loud. She was so well spoken and articulate and her voice warmed his soul. At the moment, she was reading him a story about mysterious disappearances and even though it would surely give him nightmares, he would listen till his ears bled, because only she could make it sound so good.

The light was shining right on her, reflecting off her long soft hair, eyelashes casting shadows on her cheeks as she spoke. He often found himself just openly staring at her, completely zoned out from everything around him. Their friend group, who all knew how he felt, made fun of him for it but he didn’t care. But it made him wonder how other people could see his feelings and she couldn't.

“Pretty crazy right?” She turned to look at him.

“What? Oh yeah. Brutal.”

“Better not be rude to me ever again.” She smiled mischievously “This is giving me lots of ideas.”

He rolled his eyes “You would never.”

She laughed and smiled at him “Your right. I could never go on without you.” She stretched out and rested her legs across his lap and gave him a nudge “Rub my ankles. I have another story for you.”

If a stranger had walked through her door right now, they would think they were a couple. They looked like one.

Why were they not a couple.

He let his hand move up her ankle, down her socked foot and back up, fingers grazing her skin as he did. She gave a little shiver and continued to read to him, legs pressing up against his, sending a wave of heat through him.

Sometimes he hated his life.

**********

Thursday ended and Friday afternoon drug on agonizingly slow.

Left to his own devices, by 3 pm he was lying on his back staring at his ceiling thinking as usual, about Courtney.

He did this every morning, and every night before bed.

He couldn’t believe how big his feelings were sometimes. He had always felt hard to ignore emotions when it came to her but they’d been magnified more in the last year than ever before.

In high school, he assumed it was teenage infatuation and he’d grow out of them due to her stupid boyfriend Brad. When he didn’t he figured they’d go away if he met someone else. When that didn’t work he was absolutely sure that Boston would take those feelings away.

But if anything, his first day back in Alaska had magnified his feelings times 2.

And now he was here, daydreaming about a girl who thought they were just friends.

He was a real idiot.

He closed his eyes and went over it in his head again for what seemed like the millionth time.

In high school, they’d met in freshman English. He’d nearly failed, and she had been the only reason he’d made it out. Their school was relatively small so it didn’t take long for them to become friends and eventually close friends. Halfway through freshman year they had their own blended friend group, and that’s when the feelings started. Small at first, just an occasional flutter in his stomach around her now and again. But the time they were sophomores, they were pretty prominent and obvious.

Or so he thought.

He figured that by the end of the year she’d realize how he felt and with fingers crossed she too would feel the same.

But then Sophomore year came and went, and he was still wasting away in the friend zone.

Junior year was gonna be his year. They’d spent all summer together with their friends, he’d gotten a little bit bolder with his hints, and he was positive she knew now. He bounced out of bed on the first day of a school and walked into the front doors like a gladiator walking into the coliseum. And there was was with Brad.

What the fuck.

He didn’t even know Brad but he hated him and didn’t hide it. He spent all of junior year doing anything and everything he could to make his feelings go away and nothing worked. He’d even had a girlfriend.

In fact he’d had two.

But it didn’t work.

And when she’d shown up at his house crying because she found that Brad also had two girlfriends, he wanted to scream, cry and praise the gods and shake Brad’s hand for giving him one last chance.

But when he realized how hurt she actually was, he knew it wouldn’t be right to try and begin something with her when she was upset about the end of something else. It also made him realize he wanted to punch Brad in the face.

They’d become closer than ever that summer, and slowly she started to heal from it. He was very gentle with her, starting out with small hints, lots of support, and being everything she needed. Not just because he liked her in a romantic way, but because he wanted to be what she needed him to be. He wanted to be that guy for her.

And it hadn’t worked anyway.

He left for Maine and just gave up. He didn’t see the point in continuing to get his hopes up when it clearly wasn’t meant to be. He wasn’t going to force a relationship with her before it was supposed to happen, if it would ever. They’d stayed friends, talked almost everyday, and were always hanging out when he came home but that’s where it stalled.

And now he was here. In the same spot he’d been for what seemed like ages, kicking himself because he had so many chances to come out and say it and never did.

He felt his phone vibrating and reached around for it, seeing it was Justin and rolled his eyes knowing he was about to endure another round of being made fun of “Hello.”

“Don’t sound so excited. What are you doing?”

“Sitting here listening to this really annoying sound. What are you doing?”

“Ha ha. Let’s do something tonight.”

“I can’t-I-I’m going out with Courtney for drinks.” He was quiet and then continued “Go ahead. Make fun.”

“I’m not gonna make fun of you. It’s not funny anymore, just a little sad.”

“Fuck off.”

Justin chuckled on the other end of the phone “Just tell her buddy. You’re gonna feel so much better when you do.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” He said flatly.

His friends and hers, which were the only other girls in the group besides herself, didn’t seem to understand his hesitation. It seemed so simple to them, and maybe it was and he was overthinking it. They had this fantasy that she would realize she liked him and they’d live happily ever after, but he wasn’t too sure.

“So this is like a date?”

“What? No I don’t think so…why would you ask me that?”

“Well I don’t know. I mean usually we do something as a group and now you two are hanging out alone without the group.”

He frowned and looked at the light above his bed “So?”

“So… I’m just saying it seems like you guys have been hanging out by yourselves a lot.”

He frowned and looked back at the ceiling “Does that mean it’s a date?”

“No….but it doesn’t mean it’s not a date either.”

He sat upright nearly dropping his phone “Your right it does and I have to-“

“Woah woah woah. Don’t get ahead of yourself I-“

“Too late gotta go bye.” He hung up amidst the protesting from the other end of the phone and chucked it on his bed, not bothering to pick it up when it bounced and hit the floor, rushing to the bathroom to shower.

45 minutes later he found himself parking his car, and leaned forward to rest his forehead against the steering wheel.

He had no idea what he was doing.

He had been running on pure adrenaline at the idea that this may have been a date, even though he really has no clue if it was or not. He feared he was getting himself hyped up again for no reason, and yet he couldn’t help it.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and exhaled.

You can do this.

He opened the door, and made his way in, thankful that it wasn’t overly crowded and looked around for her. She was sitting at the bar already, phone in hand, jacket slung over the back of the stool.

She turned and spotted him, hair sliding across her back catching the light “Hey!” She hopped off her barstool and made her way to him, pulling him into a hug.

“Hey.” He smiled and ran a hand up her back as she hugged him tightly, and smiled a little because he was the envy for a minute of every guy in the bar, all of whom were looking at her as she hugged him.

She was smiling a mile wide and jerked her head back “Come on I saved you a spot.” She reached for his hand and pulled him forward. He glanced down at her hand wrapped up in his and felt a flush come to his face.

SHE’S HOLDING MY HAND

She looked incredible. She always did, but something about the way she looked today made all those other days seem like nothing. And then He realized he said that to himself every time he saw her.

He followed her towards two bar stools and sat down next to her, asking the bartender for a beer. She had a glass of amber liquid with ice on a coaster in front of her. He ordered a beer and turned to her, feeling bold.

“You look nice.”

She glanced down and then back up “Me?”

“No that guy over there. Of course I mean you.”

“Thanks.” She looked at him confused and he frowned.

“What?”

“Nothing you’ve just…never said that to me before.”

“I haven’t? Well I should. Someone should always tell you that.” He realized how lame that sounded and quickly changed the subject “You want a shot?”

She made a face “Ehhhh. I didn’t know this was a shot kind of evening.”

“I mean if you can’t handle a shot it’s fine.” He smiled a little and turned to see her raise her eyebrows.

“I can handle a shot.”

“Mmmmm I don’t think you can.” He said, giving her a sideways glance.

She grinned slowly “Sounds a little bit like a challenge. You’re on.”

Drink for drink, shot for shot they went, talking and laughing like always. Having conversations with him was one of her favorite things about him.

“I mean I have Kasey and Veronica, but that’s the extent of my girlfriends. You know that.”

He shrugged “Who needs girlfriends when you have someone like me?”

She laughed and leaned forward on the bar, the back of her shirt riding up a little. He felt his face get warm and looked anywhere but at her.

“I mean it would be nice. Then you wouldn’t be forced to hang out with me all the time.”

He scoffed “Hanging out with you is the best part of my day.”

“No-“

“No it is. I’m serious!” He said when she looked at him skeptically “We always have a good time don’t we?”

“I mean of course always have a good time.”

“And anyways I think after everything that’s gone down with some of your girl friends, it’s better that you keep the ones you have and don’t get anymore.”

He was talking about Annie, Brads other girlfriend, who had once been her friend. She had never quite gotten over the betrayal.

“True. Still can’t believe she did that.”

“I can.” He glanced at her and cleared his throat “I didn’t like her from the start. She was a horrible friend. But I never thought she’d do that. Did she ever tell you why?”

“Nope.” She took a sip of her drink before she continued “ I never asked but I’ve always wondered and I’m really not sure. Why do you think she did it?”

He shrugged and rubbed the stubble on his chin “I don’t know. Being too nice, too beautiful? Girls can be pretty jealous.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed “Well that can’t be true. I don’t think I’m that nice and I’m definitely not too beautiful-“

“I think you’re HOT.” He said loudly cutting her off and leaning forward.

The alcohol had numbed his senses and loosened him up more than she’d ever seen him. Things he wouldn’t normally say to her were coming out, and she kind of liked it. Even though they’d known each other for a long time he was still a little bit shy with her. But this was a whole new Jeremy.

“Really?” She said raising an eyebrow.

“Come on. You know you are.”

She shrugged “I don’t really think about that stuff, and even if I am it’s never gotten me anywhere.” She paused and then smiled a little “Except on dates with every idiot in Anchorage.”

“Not on any dates with me.” He said taking a sip of his drink and eyeing her.

She raised her eyebrows surprised “Are you calling yourself an idiot? Or saying you wanna date me?”

“Both?”

She squinted at him, wondering for a minute if she was having a dream. But she was fairly sure this was a real conversation she was having with him and she didn’t get how they ended up here.

He had never once alluded to wanting anything to do with her romantically. In fact, they had never even talked about significant others with each other until now.

He took a sip of his drink and pulled the hat he was wearing off his head and turned it backwards and she felt her stomach do a little flutter. He turned to her and smiled “You seem surprised.”

“I had no idea.” She wasn’t lying he could tell. She looked genuinely surprised and he believed her. She wouldn’t have looked so shocked if she’d known, and to put on an act wasn’t something she’d do, and he knew she would have let him down easy long before now if she had known. She was a nice girl, and wouldn’t put him or anyone else through that.

“That’s because-I’ve never told you.”

“But why?” She leaned closer to him, hair spilling over her shoulder and brushing his arm.

“Because…I was too scared.” He said shrugging, and turning to face her fully She had her chin resting on her hand looking at him puzzled.

“Of what? Me?”

He rolled his eyes “Yeah just like everyone else we know. And every guy we went to high school with. And random guys passing by. And-“

“Okay okay I get it.” She said with a giggle but she waved him off “Even if that’s true, my point still stands.”

He shrugged “Maybe you just aren’t looking in the right places.” But when he turned to her he saw that she was looking at him and smiled “Or maybe you are.”

She turned her head to the side “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? Like 5 years ago earlier.” She asked chewing on her bottom lip.

“Like I said I was afraid and you had that stupid boyfriend in highschool, what was his name?”

“Brad. He was stupid. You could have saved me from all that drama if you had told me.” She drummed her nails on the bar and glanced at him from the corner of her eye.

He paused, bottle halfway to his mouth “What?”

“If you had told me I wouldn’t have dated him.”

“You-you would have dated me?” He pointed at himself in disbelief.

You DUMBASS. He thought to himself. He’d missed a chance years ago because he was apparently just as stupid as Brad.

“Is there a reason I wouldn’t have? I broke up with him summer before senior year and before that things already weren’t great.”

“So I had a whole year. I’m so stupid.” He leaned his forehead on the palm of his hand and let out a breath.

“Nah.” She stirred her drink and shook her head “I was the stupid one then. I spent senior year alone because of some idiot who cheated on me with Annie White in the hockey team’s bus during 6th period.”

He chuckled a little and shook his head “You have no clue the things that went on on that bus. And think about it this way, maybe she caught Chlamydia or something.”

She smiled but made a face “Ew! That would have made me feel a little bit better I guess. It doesn’t matter now though, and I’m glad I wasn’t more invested because it could have hurt a whole lot worse.”

“You guys dated a year though. You weren’t invested?”

“Were you invested when you dated Ashley for a year? Or Carissa?”

“No….But I wasn’t invested for a different reason. Why weren’t you?”

She shrugged “I don’t know. No one ever really liked Brad, and I just didn’t see it going anywhere. By the time I found out about the other women it was time to move on. Still hurt though.”

“I wanted to beat him up for that you know. And I would have too if he didn’t transfer schools.”

She chuckled “Nah. He wasn’t worth it.”

“Hey.” He leaned forward and put a hand on her wrist “It would have been worth it to me.”

She stared at him for a moment, eyes traveling down his face to his mouth and the back up to his eyes. The air seemed to freeze as he saw his window of opportunity closing, and leaned forward slowly.

“LAST CALL!” He jumped and nearly tipped over his chair, startled by the yell of the bartender and felt a blinding rage fly though him.

God DAMNIT

He wanted to scream as she straightened up, cheeks a little flushed and turned to finish her drink.

“What’s my tab?” She asked the guy pushing the glass back to him.

“45.70.”

“I got it.” Jeremy said tossing down money. She turned and smiled.

“Thanks but you don’t have to-“

“I do. Come on. Let me take you home.” Before she could protest or do anything else he boldly reached for her hand and pulled her along behind him through the bar.

By the time they made it to her front door she’d tripped twice and he’d knocked over a plant. He was now leaned against the side of her house giggling as she struggled to get the key in the lock.

“It’s stuck I can’t-“ she said in between laughs as she attempted to put the key in upside down.

“Here let me-“ he reached for key and unlocked it clumsily over her shoulder, just as she leaned forward on it, and it sprung open.

“Oof!” She said air escaping her lungs as they fell in the door, dissolving into laughter as they both stumbled forward, catching themselves on furniture. Her vision was a little bit blurred and her face felt like it was on fire, but she was having so much fun with him she never wanted the night to end.

“Wait wait wait I’ll help you hang on.” He reached for the couch to pull himself up and extended a hand to help her. She stood and immediately started to fall forward and would have if he hadn’t caught her. Her smiled was wide, stretched across her face, cheeks red, hair caught in the collar of her jacket as she straightened up, resting a hand on his arm to steady herself.

“I’m having so much-fun.” She looked up to see how close he was to her, hands holding her by the elbows, his front pressed almost against hers. His smile had started to slip from his face very slowly as he stared at her and the rest of the living room melted away.

“Jeremy.” She said softly eyes piercing his own.

Before he could answer she leaned forward and pushed her lips against his, resting them there momentarily until he gathered himself and started kissing her back.

It was everything he thought it would be, everything he’d been hoping for, and thinking about for so long it made his heart hurt. He wondered for a second if he was dreaming, like he did often but when she gripped the front of his jacket and pulled him closer he knew it was real.

He felt dizzy as they stood kissing in her living room, feeling like he was levitating as he backed her up against the wall, to steady himself more than anything, pulling away for a second before moving back in at a different angle.

She was kissing him back slowly, and for a second he had worried that she would recoil, but instead she tugged at his jacket, pulling it down his shoulders and tossing it to the side.

He ran his thumb across a sliver of skin on her hip that wasn’t covered by her shirt and she shivered a little. He was so warm as she pulled him against her, big hands holding her hips tightly. If she had known he’d be this good at kissing she would have kissed him years ago.

She reached behind her, hand smacking around looking for the doorknob to her bedroom and fumbled with it, finally opening it and stumbling inside with him. She pulled her own jacket off, letting it hit the floor and they landed on the bed, breaking apart only for a second before he bent down to kiss her again. He was slotted between her legs, one hand braced on the mattress by her head, and the other tangling in her hair. She reached between them, unbuttoning her jeans, and then reaching for his and he lost track of what he was doing for a second, as she sprung the button and pulled down the zipper. His heart was clocking around so loud he could feel it in his ears, and he wondered if she could too.

She pulled his shirt up, tugging it over his head, and lifting her self up so he could pull hers off. He’d never seen her unclothed and he felt himself get red again. She gripped the chain he was wearing and pulled him back down, tongue pushing into his mouth. Her nails scraped his kin as the moved down his sides to his lower back, pulling his pelvis forward against hers. He let out a breath and pulled back a second to collect his thoughts, and felt her hand gently pat his shoulder.

Her eyes were shut and she swallowed, one hand patting her chest.

“You okay?” He asked from above her, breathing heavily, chest heaving.

“Hmmmm I just need a second-I need.” Her eyes still closed and she took a deep breath. He leaned back to look at her as her eyes slid open and she covered her mouth.

“Can you get me water?” She asked softly eyes closing again “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Yeah sure hang on.” He stood, and buttoned his jeans, and made his way shirtless through her house, getting her water and hurrying back to her bedroom. But when he turned the corner he saw she was asleep.

His head fell forward against the door frame, and he let out a whispered, frustrated “Fuck!”, eyes closed as he pounded his fist softly on the wall.

Why was the universe doing this to him?

He turned to look at her, jeans unbuttoned, shirt missing, on her side sleeping peacefully and pursed his lips.

With a small sigh he quietly made his way to her dresser, finding clothing and very gently pulling off her boots, and jeans redressing her in something more comfortable that didn’t smell like a dive bar. He didn’t even look at her while he did, because it would have been wrong to do while she was out cold like that. He covered her up, and sat next to her a second, pushing a lock of hair off her cheek.

Gosh he loved her so much. So much that he was doing what most guys wouldn’t and was walking away from the only chance he might have with her.

But he wanted her to want it when she was sober and clearheaded, not drunk. He sighed and stared out her window. It was so frustrating to be him sometimes.

There was one picture that caught his eye. It was them, taken just recently, her arms wrapped around him, smiling widely. She had her head resting against his chest hugging him like her life depended on it.

Looking at that picture made it seem like she liked him. It just made sense. They looked great together if he did say so himself.

It just wasn’t fair.

And he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. It had been years at this point and he never saw a light at the end of the tunnel, until tonight and even that was beginning to grow darker.

He felt stupid and lame and wanted to punch himself, but instead he pulled the blankets up further, took one last look at her and left her room, made his way through her house and locked the door behind him.

[snazzilystoopid]

Back with another Ninjago little sister AU....

Now it's time for Kai and Nya's turn! Hope you guys enjoy it, especially since its a little longer

Enjoy anyways!! <3

Hua Smith-Jiang

Hua means "flower!"

(For timeline's sake, Nya was 3 years old at the time of Ray and Maya's disappearance, and Kai was 5.)

Hua was only a couple months old when Ray and Maya left

She was a very well-behaved baby, however, something that Kai is still grateful for to this day

Kai had a lot of trouble raising both of his little sisters all alone, both Hua and Nya feel guilty

Before meeting Master Wu, Hua loved playfighting with the wonky swords that Kai would make

After recovering the golden weapons, Wu offered to become her teacher, since her old school was too far away from the monastery

So Hua basically spent the better part of her years in the Ninja's care

She would always hang about with Nya while she was creating her samurai X suit

When Sensei Wu's academy was opened, she became a pupil there

She would always behave in Nya's lessons but never in Kai's, and that would really piss him off

While her siblings and the other ninja were away because of their missions, that was when Hua began to feel really lonely

She would sometimes sit staring at the wall for a whole day because she literally had nothing better to do

Around the time of Possesion (She's like 12 years old at this point) she started to feel jealous of Lloyd because Kai would always treat him as a little brother

So she and Kai constantly got into arguments, Nya having to break them up all the time

She had a much better relationship with Nya

Once Jay and Nya officially became a couple, Hua never left her big sister's side for the next 2 weeks in case Jay stole her away

During the Hands of Time, Hua was kept in the dark about A LOT and it was getting to the point where no one would even tell her what was actually happening

The ultimately led to the worst argument her and Kai had ever had, Kai swearing at her and calling her a bunch of names

She sobbed her heart out afterwards

When her parents returned and Wu had disappeared into the time stream, Hua immediately went to live with Ray and Maya

She started to feel lonely all over again and she was sad because she thought her brother didn't love her anymore :(

Even Lloyd visited once apologising for making her seem invisible, and he felt guilty for the way Hua was feeling

(She forgave him and they became besties ehe)

But on New Year's Eve (a few days before SoG begins) Nya and Kai paid a suprise visit and Hua isntantly jumped into Kai's arms and balled her eyes out

Kai only rolled his eyes and was like "Did you seriously miss me that much?!"

But in all seriousness he did apologise for all the hurtful things he said and then they were a happy family again hehe

Hua was on a solo trip to Ninjago City around the time Garmadon returned, bear in mind she had absolutely no clue what was happening

She was on the street below the Bounty when Garmadon crushed it and she thought Kai had died

The first thing she did was find Nya

They both cried together because they thought their big bro was gone forever and also because Nya had lost her two best friends + her bf

But in the end Kai was ok so they were all happy again <33

I hc that around this time Skylor and Kai officially started dating, though it was on and off

But Hua LOVED Skylor so she didn't mind

Nya, Skylor and Hua went on girl's day outs like every other week

She would stay with her parents for two weeks, then stay the monastery for 7 days, before going home again

Bc she gotta see her big bro and big sis ofcc

Lloyd + Kai + Hua + Nya= the ultimate sibling squad

Hua had never felt more hopeless than when Nya turned into the sea

Her whole family sobbed for days and Kai was hit the hardest

Some days when Kai was just curled up on the corner of the couch silently, Hua would crawl up next to him and hug him, then he'd just start crying his eyes out

So you can imagine how happy these two were when Nya came back in Crystalized

By the end of Crystalized, Hua is 15!

Hua does also make an appearance in Dragons Rising, she's usually found at the crossroads and hung out with Arin and Sora a lot, telling them stories about the ninja

Obviously they don't know that Kai and Nya are her siblings so they never tell the ninja, and at this point they don't actually know her wherabouts.

That is all for Hua's story! Moving on to more facts about her:

Hua was really glad that she wasn't born with an element, because she hated the idea of going on all of the missions her siblings had to go on

Zane and Pixal were basically Hua's second parents after season 8

While she was staying with the ninja, Zane sometimes would give her the answers for homework, and Pixal would take her out at times where Nya couldn't

Even after they made up just before SoG, Kai and Hua were always butting heads

She loves wearing beaded bracelets and bangles on both her wrists

Hua once walked in on Kai and Skylor making out, the poor girl was so flustered she turned around and ran straight into the door 😭

Skylor laughed it off but Kai was so embarrassed

Jay always treaded lightly around Hua, since she wasn't really keen on Nya having a bf

She thought Nya would forget about her, even though her big sis tries to convince her that she'd never ever do that

Since Ray and Maya basically weren't a part of her life at all before Hands of Time, Hua sat them both down and brought together all her favourite things like bracelets, photos, etc, and she told them essentially everything there was to know about her

Somehow is probably the best Prime Empire player in all of Ninjago, both Jay and Kai are pissed about it

That is all! Zane is probably going to be next!! ^^

When she was younger (seasons 1-4) she'd dress up in the ninja's old gis for fun

Since her hair was quite long, she used to let the ninja style it for her for fun. Cole once created this beautiful twin-braided hairstyle and now Hua wears it like that all the time.

[jellojelli]

kaveh bf headcanons? I imagine that he's actually really nervous when it comes to being in a relationship, maybe you could write something with that? I just love shy men lol

Kaveh Boyfriend Headcanons

*a/n: I love shy men too just 😩❤️ plus Kaveh is so cute shy or not*

As always, 🛑Minors DNI🛑

Sfw

Kaveh has been through too many rough and traumatic relationships. They may not have been romantic, but they have left him deeply scarred and have broken his confidence in himself and his trust in others. So getting Kaveh to actually fall in love with you was something that took time, anywhere from months to even years before he could ever accept how you feel about him and how he feels about you.

Kaveh had to build up a lot of confidence to confess to you. He spent a lot of those months pining for you trying to fix himself, become smarter, stronger, successful, wiser, just anything that he felt he was lacking. He wanted to impress you so, so badly that Kaveh overdid things a lot. You’ve probably spent a fair share or time in his room caring for him since, other than Tighnari, he wouldn’t let anyone actually take care of him when he got sick from overworking. You’ve also done your fair share of dragging this man back to his and Alhaitham’s house on the evenings where he drank himself silly.

To be honest with you, he’s confessed to you a lot, but he never remembers. Every time he was delirious with a fever and every time you’ve had to help him back home he’s confessed to you. Not just about his love either, he’s confessed his feelings about himself too and why he can’t just say he likes you when he’s sober. He always ends up saying something self deprecating like “if only I was a better person, maybe you’d like me.” He really has no clue that you like or love him. And even when he realizes you do have feelings he spends a long time denying it and ignoring all of the hints and the tension

It takes having Alhaitham, Tighnari, and Cyno set up an intervention for him to finally get the guts to confess to you. He’ll feel really bad about making you wait this long, and he’ll feel really embarrassed because Alhaitham probably snapped after hearing Kaveh say “I can’t confess ;-;” and told him the exact number of times he’s heard him confess to you while he was out of it

The confession is not planned, he literally ran out of the intervention to find you and banged on your door like he was a guard until you opened it. Just blurts out his confession. It’s nothing grand, Kaveh’s way to flustered to think rn and even if he planned it he’d just get anxious over doing it 100% right. Cries when you say yes. Literally shaking and sobbing because he’s so happy you said yes after all he’s done. Kaveh apologizes like crazy that day. He feels incredibly guilty about ignoring your feelings and denying how you felt all this time

Dating Kaveh is very fun and easy. He is always trying to do his best for you and make this relationship the best for the both of you. I can see him cutting back from drinking as much and really doubling down on his work so he can make more mora. Of course, he doesn’t overdo it at work because he doesn’t want to make you worry about him anymore (´；ω；`) he still feels kinda guilty at how much you had to take care of him in the past

Definitely is the type to not let his guard down immediately around you. I’m not talking about saying I love you’s or participating in skinship, I’m talking about letting you see him at his ugliest times. This man would legit fall asleep with make-up and perfectly done hair around you and even wake up early just to fix it before you can see him with some slight bed head. He just gets kinda stuck on wanting to be perfect for you so you don’t leave him, please take the time to reassure him and have patience because I assure you messy bed head Kaveh is top tier

Kaveh is very comfortable giving verbal affirmations and affections to you. He does not shy away from saying he loves you 24/7 and complimenting you every minute he sees you. However, Kaveh gets really shy when you try to touch him. He’s touch starved and touch shy after going so long without physical affection, so even just trying to hold his hand makes him bright red. If you want him to stop arguing with Alhaitham or distract him from an annoying customer he’s ranting about just hug him and he’ll stop talking. Use this power at your own risk though because it makes him shut down for a good 15 minutes sometimes so you might have to start dragging him home or back to his work

He makes you all sorts of little gadgets and even made you a mini house just because he could. Is polite about it, but if you paint it weird colors he’s silently judging you. And maybe giving you small hints here and there about what you could paint it, please don’t be mad he’s an aesthetician and it really bothers him

Funnily enough I think he can and will kill the bugs if you don’t like them. I don’t think he particularly likes bugs, but he can kill them without throwing a huge fit about it. He won’t even make you clean it up either, truly a kind man

Kaveh just about fainted the first time you ever kissed him. He truthfully wasn’t expecting it and he wasn’t planning to kiss you for a while either. He turned bright red and flushed all the way down his neck and on the tips of his ears, he couldn’t even stutter out a proper sentence after that either. Don’t think he didn’t absolutely adore the kiss, he’s just so shy to skinship and romantic gestures that sometimes even simple things make him have an error

Loves simple dates with you. Walks around the Akademiya, cafe dates, and cooking meals together are some of his favorites. Speaking of cooking, Kaveh loves to cook for you and especially loves to bring you lunch when he can. He really likes seeing how much you love it and also be really likes being praised for working hard for you

If you were an architect or loved architecture Kaveh would nonstop ask for your opinions regarding his current and future projects. He would hang on to all of your critiques and praise and try to improve his skills.

His dream is definitely to build y’all’s future home. Don’t tell me this man didn’t already start planning what he wants it too look like and subtly getting you to add what you like by pretending it’s for a customer (it’s not very subtle the longer y’all are together). Would start a savings account at some point so he can start buying the materials for it

Kaveh’s heart would melt and he’d fall in love with you all over again when you help him after a night of drinking. He gets very depressed and emotional about his past and himself, but seeing you there with worry written plainly on your face, well, it makes him want to hold onto you even more. Expect the royal treatment the next day because while it makes him love you even more, he’s also very guilty about making you take care of him while he’s like that

Kaveh’s friends are happy he’s found you and include you into their friend group seamlessly. Alhaitham is happy to have you around because he gets the house to himself more often, plus you always bring goodies for him too when you bring some to Kaveh. Cyno is happy you make Kaveh so happy, but stop stealing his tcg buddy otherwise he’s gonna make you learn how to play if you don’t already. He needs a substitute if you won’t bring Kaveh around (΄◉◞౪◟◉｀) and he will come and find you to play

Nsfw

Since Kaveh is so touch shy you will likely be the one who initiates anything sexual, at least at the start

Kaveh can be whatever you want, but he is incredibly submissive as long as you have a gentle or sweet personality in the sheets. If you’re more teasing or ‘mean’ in the bedroom he’ll be a bit more bratty and obstinate

He’s very much a service top. Kaveh loves to give you pleasure in any form, oral, fingering, fucking you just like you want, toys, it really doesn’t matter Kaveh will deliver as long as it’s something he’s capable of

Definitely has some no no’s in the bedroom. Since Kaveh is a bit sensitive to some phrases he really doesn’t like to be degraded unless it’s to call him your slut or whore. Don’t even think of calling him useless, stupid, or pathetic. He will cry and he will put a stop to whatever it is your doing. Not to mention he’ll be incredibly hurt and insecure about it. He’s also not into degrading you either since he wants to treasure you.

Big into giving and receiving praise and body worship

Kaveh seems the type to like being blindfolded and having his hands restricted, but only after he’s completely comfortable with you. He gets off on the fact that you can do whatever you want to him and he’ll never know when it happens

He’s so into being told what to do in the bedroom. Even if it makes him bratty at times, Kaveh will fold so quickly if you tell him you thought he was your good boy

Loves seeing you in lingerie. Can be any type, lots of it, a piece of it, doesn’t matter, he wants to see you in it and he wants it to stay on all night if possible

Kaveh’s moans are so pretty and so very loud. He tries so hard to keep it down but he can’t focus on volume control and cumming at the same time

[kichikichiko]

For you, and you only

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy!

This is my first time writing for cyno so his is a bit shorter 😭

Heizou,Kazuha,Kabukimono and Cyno (seperate) x gen neut!reader

Headcanon,fluff,not proofread, Kabukimono is Scaramouche 😭

♡♡♡♡

HEIZOU ▪︎ analytical harmony

He loved solving puzzles and mysteries and you knew that when you started dating him

He'd take you to events that was specifically made for nerds who loved using their brains

You ended up just following him around though as he did all the puzzle solving 😭

Every once in a while though, you would solve a simple puzzle/crack the code/find a clue and he'd praise you like youre the smartest person ever

Proud bf coming through

But when events like that are not available, he'd make puzzle boxes and give it to you

Inside that said box, would be a little paper filled with sweet little nothings, or just a simple "have a good day today love :))"

Must admit, you look forward to getting those puzzles from him

Its that little thing which makes your relationship all the more sweeter

KAZUHA ▪︎ Scarlet Leaves Pursue Wild Waves

Gentle, poetic, a gentleman and handsome, he is truly the package

What more could you ask for anyways?

That man wants to let you know every waking moment that you are deserving of his love

And what other way would be more romantic than giving you weekly haiku's

He's settled on making one every week so he doesnt overwhelm you too much (which isnt true you love how he expresses his love)

And he wants to make a Haiku that truly resonates how he feels towards you

Kazuha only wants the best haiku's given to you

Alwaya puts his all into it

Because you deserve the world <33 (thats him he is world)

Sometimes, when he reads his haiku to you he'd give you a maple leave, or something he saw that gave inspiration for his latest haiku

You kept them all, youve got a shelf full of the trinkets he gave you as he recited his haiku

And placed his haikus in a special box

His goal for writing haiku's was not only to remind you of his love

But to also comfort you when he isnt around

Kazuha is a wanderer, a ronin, his home is in mother nature and he wants to travel

You understood of course, you would join him in some of his journeys when fate calls for it

But if you cant, reading the haikus he gave helps a lot as if he was truly there with you

His love is with you all the time no matter how far apart you both are

CYNO ▪︎ Judicator of Secrets

When you both first started dating and youre upset, Cyno usually freezes up and stares at you

Dont blame him though, he was afraid anything he did would make you even more upset

He never wanted to make you upset ever

You were his lovely partner he only wanted to make you smile and happy

It was really hard, especially with his serious personality

After a few months though, he finally found a way to comfort you

He'd sit down next to you in silence

Then crack up the most downright horrid joke ever with a blank face, looking straight at you

It never fails to make you laugh

He knew you were laughing at the fact that the joke was bad

But to him it didnt matter because he ends up seeing you smile

You were the only one who actually liked his stupid jokes, and listened to him as he explained it in great detail

You made him happy

It was time for him to return the favour

KABUKIMONO ▪︎ Puppet without a heart

He is a puppet, barely understanding human emotions but always trying his best to be just like them

When you both started dating, he felt more human than he ever did

He adores and appreciates you so much

He wants to be able to pay back all you have done for him

He doesnt know how to though, human emotions are complex and beautiful

Just like Kazuha, he wants to give his all when it comes to appreciating you and expressing his love for you

Sometimes, he'd walk by the shore of the beach

And if by some chance he's lucky, he'd find a seashell that reminds him of you

He doesnt pick a random seashell no, he'd collect all he sees as he walked around

And when he thinks he's found enough, he'll pick the prettiest one that reminded him of you

When he gave you a seashell for the first time and explaining in full detail why it reminded him of you

You almost cried, you appreciated it so much you made it as an accessory

He loved that you brought it around

That man started going out more finding more small things that reminded you of him

Half of the time he has his eyes stuck to the ground finding things to give to you

Everyone teases him for it, but Niwa would always defend him

Kuni just wants to see your eyes sparkle and see you smile when he gives you stuff

He wants to be the reason you smile

He'd spend his whole life time finding ways to make you happier than ever

♡♡♡♡

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING GOJO IS ATTRACTED TO OLDER WOMEN???

Gege never said that pls, he said that if he could ever imagine himself as anything other than a jujutsu sorcerer which is a “probably not” and then a freeloader and swallow was mentioned

Where tf is him being attracted to older women mentioned???? Also we can say that it insinuates him being separated from him mother from a young age causing him to have mommy issues AND he needs someone to love and care for him not that he needs an older rich woman

Let’s not forget how there’s so much emphasis on him needing someone to understand him.. An older rich woman is not what he needs…. He’s already filthy dirt rich 🙏

A younger girl can also understand and love and care for him?? Like let’s not make up gojos preferences for age which ironically alot of older women are doing all over social media rn with this tiny piece of information that never specified his preferences

ITS PISSING ME OFF ARIIII HOPE YOU GET ME HERE 💔💔💔

😭😭😭 WELL . honestly i don’t see gojo liking women period in the manga so i might not be the best person to ask here anon……….

hmmmmm honestly i don’t have a problem with people saying he likes older women? it’s seems mostly harmless to me? :3 overall i don’t think he’s the type to fixate on age too much though…

anyway. if you want more info on the interview question then please check out soukatsu’s tweets <33 they went over both terms akutami used to describe gojo, ヒモ and ツバメ!! the former seems to imply a degree of uselessness (freeloader, leech, etc) while the latter is less derogatory and more so just… a younger guy who dates older women + lives off their money. i have zerooo clue if these terms are used only for hetero relationships or if they’re also used for men living off their older bf’s money, and so on, but yeah!! those are the terms :3

if you wanna be reeeally technical and clear cut then i think it’s kinda obvious this is a bit of a troll answer 😭 akutami is basically calling gojo a useless leech in the first part LMAO. but i do think it says something about gojo’s character!! my own take is that when he does fantasize about not being a sorcerer (which, like akutami said - it’s unlikely that he ever does), he fantasizes about being pampered and free from responsibility <3 as he should be!!!!!

as for the mommy issues 👀👀👀 i will always support gojo having them. i think it adds flavour to his character. but i definitely don’t think that’s what akutami was implying with that answer 😭 i doubt gojo thinks about his mother much at all. but the idea of him having a subconscious longing for maternal love is tasty to me… for hurt/comfort purposes….

anyway <3 bottom line, i definitely agree that gojo would need someone who understands him (even if i don’t think anyone really could). when he falls for someone i think he sticks to them no matter what, and i doubt age is a real factor in that :3 don’t get me wrong i do think he deserves a hot sugar daddy boyfriend but that’s just me being me. i really don’t see him caring about age much at all!!!

[discocandles]

Jason Todd, but he's not around the batfamily very often, bc i can.

It's not unusual for Jason to just kind of be gone for anything bat-esque for a while. Sure he'll still be in Gotham doing some crime fighting, but just not make many appearances in Wayne Manor/the Batcave.

And it's not out of sheer spite, surprisingly enough. its bc after being a crime lord then quitting to be an anti-hero, he came to the realization that being Red Hood couldn't be the only thing he was using his life for. he would end up like Bruce, only using a civilian identity when he absolutely had to. But Jason Todd was legally dead, so he wouldn't ever have to be a civilian, but at the cost of losing himself to a vigilante identity. I don't believe Jason would want to take that risk.

So he makes a fake identity so he can live in a (shaky) routine as a civilian. He still goes by Jason, given its a common enough name. but he changes his last name to Devoss, as it has the same meaning as todd but is of Dutch decent rather than english, bc I'm the kind of nerd that still wants names to mean the same thing even it's not the point whatsoever, so Jason is too. Plus its better than most of the name changes DC has done.

Anyway. Jason's "routine". The only reason it could be considered a routine is bc he typically goes to the same places. he drops by the same coffee shop at least three times a week, frequents the same gym, and visits the library about once a week. he's in the bare minnimum of consistency & sticks to it.

Despite being given enough money from Bruce to count as a solid income, Jason still lives in walking distance of Crime Alley. the landlords there don't care who you are so long as you pay rent, bc who wants to live near Crime Alley? barely anyone. Later he gets a job, which actually cements his routine. he works as a chef in a chain restaurant, and he's so good at it, it's like hes being petty about it.

Actually, being petty is the most common thread most of the people who know Jason Devoss as an aquaintance have. He's petty about entitled customers who start screaming in at his regular coffee stop, if someone he tends to work out with has a cheating partner and the assholeperson has a hole in thier can of mace and their knife is suddenly dull(neccessities in Gotham), Jason has no clue how someone could manage that. Absolutely none.

Ok, back to Jason getting a job. So like I said earlier, Jason gets a job as a line cook, bc they really dont keep people from the job unless you're actively supposed to be in Arkham(exemptions can be made for blackgate). Which is why having a civilian identity is helpful, bc being both legally dead and spending some time as a mob boss probably wouldn't jive with any hiring manager ever. But he's able to make himself a normal part of the scenery, and makes the most effective closing shift, totally not be he has patrol that he's already late for. He begins to have to switch between taking orders and making food.

And this is how he ends up meeting Bernard, bc they have to work together to figure out what Tim would want. Jason realizes that this isn't some other kid named Tim he thinks "oh this is going to be rich." bc no one in the family has been to his work so far since he started working in the front of house, and he hasn't mentioned it to them.

So Tim walks in, and sees his bf, then he sees Jason, who just says "Oh, you must be Bernard's boyfriend. Nice to meet you." Smiling like he's never done anything remotely wrong in his whole life. Now Tim is questioning everything and can only repond with something akin to "Mhmm yup. Nice to meet you too." & is on edge for the rest of the date, bc his brother is being paid to watch his date, and will interrupt them for refills or other nonsense when he was beginning to forget Jason was there.

Bonus points if it's before Tim introduces Bernard to the family.

The batfamily knows where he is, and he knows they know. No one who has met Batman once can have him be unaware of their whole family tree, of course he knows where his son is. Jason will sometimes get visits, most often from Duke, be despite the fact that Crime Alley is mostly terrible, the sunset view is pretty dang good.

Duke will just be sitting on his couch when he gets home, like "you wanted to talk?" to which he and Jason will simply chat. and jason will often give critiques to Duke's technique.

The other common visitor is steph, but that's most ofting in the form of her ding dong ditching him,

-

[purinfelix]

sassy men apocalypse - football edition ☆

summary: some short hcs abt the football players i think would make the sassiest bfs ft: joao felix, jude bellingham, trent alexander-arnold, andrew robertson warnings: none, just the boys being little shits

a/n: this is so stupid but i'm obsessed with sassy men ok shoot me !!! also this is not anywhere near all of the players i think would make sassy bfs so feel free to comment/send asks abt who else u think would fit 🤭

joão félix

✦ I know y'all have seen this man on field beefing with EVERYONE... the other team, refs, even his own teammates like you cannot tell me he would not be the absolute sassiest boyfriend ever ...

✦ Sometimes you'll try to take candid selfies with him and he'll just be giving you the nastiest stink eye ever - and not even on purpose that's just his default expression

✦ Will whine and complain when you drag him out on shopping trips but then gets weirdly into it and starts giving you advice

"Hold on, I just need to get a new toner," you say to him, as he trails behind you while holding half a dozen shopping bags. "Ugh, can we just go home al- Don't get that one, the ingredients in it will dry out your skin."

✦ For that reason he's also weirdly into USING your skincare products and esp whatever lip balm you use just bc it "works better"

✦ And the attitude only gets worse whenever he gets sick ...

✦ #1 Manflu victim like you'll come home to him spread eagle on the couch, hacking and gagging and weak and you'll think he has some virus but in reality, it's just a cold

✦ That won't stop him from spending the next couple of days coughing extremely loudly and filling every silent moment with sniffles - all the while giving you immense attitude when u try to get him to rest or take medicine

✦ Don't worry though, this attitude immediately disappears the minute he wants cuddles and then all of a sudden he's the nicest, sweetest boyfriend ever (of course he's going to whip out the puppy eyes, he knows your weaknesses after all)

jude bellingham

✦ Does this even need to be said

✦ The absolute quickest with comebacks, and a little too good at insults

✦ Such a little shit honestly like he just lives to annoy you sometimes

✦ I said this in the tags of one of my other posts, but he is so the kind to do dumb little things like spam your phone with dumb selfies if you leave it unattended around him, then acts clueless when you get back

"Jude, what's this." "Huh, how'd those get there?" You watch him rub the back of his nape while avoiding eye contact. "In that case, I'm making it your new contact picture." "HEY, DON'T."

✦ There is a payoff though, because he is the best at taking pictures for you like he knows all the good angles and poses

✦ Once laughed at you for tripping over a rock but then while he was turning to laugh at you he tripped into a puddle and had to walk all the way home with wet pants

trent alexander-arnold

✦ Just SO competitive about everything

✦ Like you've seen him in those challenges he hates losing and this extends to your everyday conversations in which he'll NEVER admit he's wrong

"Trent, I'm not saying I don't like cookie dough, I'm just saying that mint choc chip is better." It's night and you're lying in bed with him and somehow started discussing ice-cream flavours. "How on earth can you say that? It tastes like toothpaste!" "Toothpaste!? It's refreshing, I've got no clue what you're on about." "I feel personally offended, I don't know if we can keep dating after this." You burst out into laughter as he turns to face his back to you, pulling the entirety of your shared blanket with him.

✦ You know how people say boys will do anything if you tell them you'll time them? Yeah.

✦ Once you tried to get him to finish your leftovers at a fancy dinner by telling him you'd time him but this backfired when you had to rush him home after he got heartburn from eating too fast

✦ And the worst part is that you forgot to time him - he would've been so mad if he wasn't too busy chugging Mylanta

✦ A gossipy little bitch. Spills ALL of the team tea to you and will also get way too into your own gossip - he's your own confidante and is absolutely prepared to give you all the reactions you need

andrew robertson

✦ Okay i reckon he's probably the sweetest out of the bunch but that does not mean he is not a sassy little shit okay!!!

✦ The kind of guy who only knows how to cook like three dishes but whenever it's his turn to cook the kitchen is OFF LIMITS to anyone but him

✦ Like you'll try to be cute and couple-y by cooking together but he's running that shit like the navy, got five pots going at once and a kitchen towel thrown over his shoulder

✦ Still manages to undercook his pasta though, although he'd rather eat crunchy pasta than admit he's wrong

✦ gets irritated by your social media antics because he refuses to admit he cares about it too

"Wait, don't touch the food yet I want to take a picture." You hold your hand out to pause your boyfriend who's already reaching for his fork, causing him to groan loudly. "Cmon already, I'm starving!" He pauses for a bit, watching you tilt your phone to get all the angles but then chiming in, "Wait, give me the phone it'll look better from my angle."

✦ And if you think you're escaping his sassiness over text ?? you're dead wrong because he is a chronic '🙄' and '😒' user

[destinyc1020]

I also think the general public doesn’t have a clue what zendaya’s really like lol like I think most people just see her slaying the red carpet and assume thats her but honestly thats her playing a character. In reality as tom has said she’s the most regular down to earth girl ever who doesnt party and is actually shy with a small circle. The gp also doesnt know enough about tom’s personality to realize he could literally charm the pants off anyone he wanted lol like he is that confident and charismatic. They are so so similar in their values toward family and work as well as their sense of humor. When you know more about them they make complete sense together

Exactly Anon!! 💯

I think so many ppl just assume that some people would only date "certain" ppl just because of how they look or whatever (maybe they think their current bf or gf isn't who they would "imagine" that person dating 🙄), but like you said, they don't know these celebrities personally.

Even us as fans don't know these people personally. We don't how they are behind closed doors, so the fact that both Tom and Zendaya are always singing each other's praises, and others also sing their praises, it's because they must both be really good people 🥰😊

They definitely make sense! Especially if you're not superficial and only looking at someone's looks, height, or race. Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

[awaitingfall]

09.04.22

Food/Drink:

8:00a - s. Cold brew

9:00a - string cheese

9:45a - peanut granola bar

11:30a - greek yoghurt w/chia & flax seeds

2:30p - bruschetta, grilled portobella mushroom, corn, cucumber/tomato salad

8:30p - popcorn

Exercise:

Chloe Ting abs challenge (40 min)

Chloe Ting glutes challenge (20 min)

*my bf and i LOVE hiking, that’s one of the things we always used to do together when we first started dating. But lately I haven’t been able to keep up cuz i [obvi.] put on weight and lost a lot of muscle. So this morning he decided he wanted to go on a hike, but told me he didn’t want me to come because he didn’t want to have to keep stopping and waiting for me to catch up. So I’m in a pretty pissy fucking mood. But I decided, instead of sulking, I’ll use my anger to my benefit and get my workouts done while he was out. Still mad at him, though. It just sucks hearing the same person that’s been telling me to never give up and helping me push me to my limits is giving up on me now. I also wish i could’ve added hiking to my exercise list for the day, but whatever…

Evening update: I told him how I felt and said i may have reacted a little too harsh because apparently all he meant was that he wanted to get in a good workout for himslelf and he knows i don’t like that specific hiking location since it’s so steep so he was going to do it for his own exercise. So i took responsibility for my emotions and actions and i said “i was probably just feeling bad about myself and instantly reacted negatively to what you said, most likely because of PMS” (because I truly feel some serious mood swings around the same time every month, which is now) and now he’s saying I can’t blame my mood swings on PMS cuz that’s a cop-out and that I can “control my mood” because he’s also “had anger issues and worked through it” himself. Like bruh, this literally isn’t the same thing. And then i asked him if he’s ever researched the menstrual cycle or PMS and the way it changes your LITERAL BRAIN FUNCTION or listened to podcast about it, and his response was “well all of the things i read or listen to is aimed towards men”. EXACTLY SO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. Wtf is with guys thinking they know everything about women’s bodies. It’s fucking annoying as shit. So I’ve been blowing up his phone with links to articles and research done on PMS to prove to him what it’s really like to be a fucking woman.

I love him, but he has to learn to accept that he’s wrong sometimes, especially about shit he’s never even experienced or done serious research on. It’s especially bad when he gets so persistent on making me out to be the one in the wrong because he truly believes he knows everything about something he’s never looked into. That’s probably the only flaw he has that really fucking bothers me, but I’m not taking it. I will do anything to prove him wrong if he really is.

[daisyachain]

hi!! i've been reading through your ao no flag liveblogs lately and they're really interesting! i enjoy seeing someone so passionate about this manga and it makes me want to reread it .... i'm really interested in hearing what you have to say about masumi's ending though!! part of me thinks it makes sense but i'm mostly conflicted on it and would love to see it from your perspective ^^

haha well thank you! ah yes, the arc that created as much controversy as you can get in an active readership of like 10 people...

Blue Flag is an imperfect story, but it also gets a lot of flack for things that a) didn't...actually...happen, b) didn't happen in the way people think they did.

Part 1: Is it actually straightwashing?

The most common criticism I see of Masumi's ending is that she was written as a lesbian character and straightwashed at the end. Marrying off a female character as a way to 'fix' her issues is a common and harmful trope, and saying that lesbian women just need to get a man is a widespread homophobic trope and talking point. So, it's not a good look. To have a character angst over interest in a woman and end up happily married to a guy reads like a '50s pulp novel that just uses f/f attraction for marketing.

But, if the intention of the ending was to show that Masumi should give up on women and force herself to date men, then it doesn't. Mitsuyuki's description of her is 'look at my bisexual wife who has dated both women and men and could also have married a woman', which is an odd choice if the intention was straightwashing. It feels more like a clumsy way to make sure that, in a series full of ambiguity, there could be no argument that Masumi was queer. That isn't to say that cisstraight people don't view bisexuality as less/better than/straighter than her being lesbian and that making a previously gay character bisexual isn't still straightwashing (increasing the appearance of straightness).

Part 2: Was it actually a retcon?

So: Masumi's ending reaffirms that she's a WLW. One question is, was she always meant to be bisexual, or was she originally written as lesbian?

Blue Flag doesn't have a lot of straight (no pun intended) answers. Taichi never expresses any explicit attraction to guys, but there is enough subtext to suggest he's attracted to Touma well before the finale. Futaba believes she is attracted to Touma at first and is shown to be attracted to him using the visual shorthand of manga (blushing, etc.), but she later says that it was just misinterpreted admiration. Mami doesn't want to date Touma or any man, but she implies that she is attracted to Touma when she says around him she was 'glad to be a woman.' Within the main romance, Futaba says that it was specifically because Taichi was a friend to her that she grew to like-like him. The lines between friendship and romance are blurred in Blue Flag, and sometimes romance can only grow out of friendship.

Masumi has a tense conversation with Taichi in the first half after she breaks up with her boyfriend that most people (me included) read as her saying that she tried guys and she just isn't and can't be attracted to them. However, it's Blue Flag, so the conversation is unfocused and doesn't paint a complete picture.

"Even if I get a boyfriend, I can never make it work"/"I don't know why [I don't like him anymore]" seem to imply that Masumi realized that she was feeling compulsory heterosexuality and that she will never like men. "[I don't know] why he like someone like me"/"You can be friends with potential sexual partners? With both guys and girls?"/"I just wanted to hear how you men feel about [a girl liking other girls]" seem to imply that Masumi is bisexual and is afraid to date because someone might find out. Maybe she's written as questioning--she knows she likes Futaba, but she's feeling out other possibilities. It's Blue Flag, so it's unclear.

Part 3: How does it work with Masumi's arc?

Diving further into Masumi's story, she acts as a foil to Touma (and Futaba, see later). Touma feels free to show his affection for Taichi as a friend as well as a love interest and almost confesses to him of his own free will, well before he's forced to. Touma tells her that he intends to try and set Taichi up with Futaba (because they would be good for each other), and also that he intends to pursue Taichi in some way. He tells her he's "not like [her]."

For Masumi's part, she tells Touma that she wants to express more affection for Futaba--not necessarily in a romantic way, just to participate more fully in that relationship--but she's afraid to, she doesn't feel confident enough to try, and that she's "the worst" because of it. We see this theme repeated, that Masumi is pessimistic, is afraid to trust people and hates herself for being afraid. Her conversations with Aki and Mami explore this; Aki tells her that it's not bad to be insecure or unready and that it's fine to keep a secret/stay closeted until she's ready, Mami tells her that she does have people she can trust, who care about her and who will do their best to understand her and help out. Why am I typing all this out? Because Masumi is a bitter, insecure wlw and that is an Established Trope, but her twist on it is that her negativity or bitterness isn't over her attraction to women/to Futaba or even over the reaction she might get from others (as Touma's is), it's over her own insecurity. Like Futaba, she's hesitant to act on her feelings, and like Futaba, she gets frustrated and hates herself for her own inaction.

All that is to say--Masumi is never shown to have a problem with her attraction to women. Her angst isn't gayngst, she's not ashamed of her feelings for Futaba bur rather her inability to express them. Her problems are with social attitudes and more with her own personal feelings--she and Touma face similar problems, but Touma is simply aware of the consequences (being roughed up and ostracised by a certain group of people) while Masumi feels a more generalized and ambiguous fear.

If Masumi were shown to have mixed feelings about her queerness/were shown to be in denial/were shown to be trying to move on from Futaba, then her ending would read more as straightwashing. As it is, there's nothing in her character and arc to say that she'd ever want to erase that part of herself or get rid of it, rather, she wishes she could embrace it but she just doesn't feel confident in doing it. Her ending shows her as an openly bisexual woman who is out to her friends and husband at the very least, which is a completion of her arc in the manga (of learning to trust other people and express her feelings honestly).

Part 4: What context clues does the rest of the series give us?

This is branching off a little from the strict text of Parts 1-3. As I've said, as we know, Blue Flag is 50% subtext and interpretation. Characters speak, but they don't say what they mean, characters think, but they're not always honest with themselves or in tune with reality. Mami is an ominous and antagonistic figure in the first half, but then it just turns out that Taichi was jumping to conclusions. Taichi is the main character and narrator, but we get radio silence from him for like 7 chapters after the climax. Taichi is bisexual, but the reader has to guess that from the way the art style shifts between PoVs, the similar panelling between Futaba and Touma's confessions, the things he does and does not think about Touma and how he feels about them. It's safe to say that there is room for speculation.

First, there is no explicit evidence that Taichi could be bisexual before ch 54. It's easy to tell that he is, but again, there's nothing specific. Some people reading Blue Flag have said that him marrying Touma was out of character, unforeshadowed, bizarre, inexplicable, etc. because their experienced is coloured by their own heterosexuality. Masumi is shown to have dated a guy and in saying she didn't like him "anymore," implied that she did like him. Her conflicted feelings over her bf could well have been foreshadowing her liking men as well, and my reading that as comphet could have just been my own experience colouring the text. Who knows! Taichi's bisexuality was intentional from the start but could be read as a last-minute twist, so why not Masumi's?

Second, Mitsuyuki is Futaba 2.0. Same colouring, same personality. This could feel like a way of saying "Masumi just needs to like guys instead," but to me it reads deeper with some of the trans subtext around Futaba. One of my issues with Blue Flag is that it doesn't go further into Futaba's admiration/envy for masculinity and her uncomfortable relationship with femininity. As a cis woman who wants to be buff and mildly masculine, I can understand why she's a cis girl throughout and I don't necessarily think that she was supposed to be a trans guy. However, her relationship with masculinity draws a parallel to Mitsuyuki. Reading Mitsuyuki as a cis man, he is the combination of Futaba's personality and looks with her 'ideal form.' So, Masumi marrying Mitsuyuki can read as Masumi marring Ascended FutabaTM.

Third, Futaba having a faceless prop husband is interesting in the context of Mitsuyuki getting a name and personality. Mitsuyuki = Futaba and Mr. Kuze is a blank space, so the reader is prompted to reduce the scenario and slot Masumi into that blank space. Given Masumi and Touma's history as foils, I'm inclined to think that Mitsuyuki exists to show the road not taken. Back at the fireworks, Touma tells Masumi that he hasn't given up on Taichi, and Masumi says she doesn't intend to pursue Futaba even though the pining is making her miserable. Given that Futaba reacts a lot better to the idea of Masumi liking her than Taichi reacts to the idea of Touma liking him, given that we see Masumi has successfully wooed male!Futaba, I think that Masumi's ending shows that she could have ended up with Futaba if she chose to pursue her. She didn't and she still got a happy ending where she is confident in her sexuality and unafraid to trust, but she could have also had a happy ending where she married Futaba. Mitsuyuki is a man because desire-for-masculinity is a key aspect of Futaba's character, and Mitsuyuki is a named character with a personality because KAITO wanted the reader to know that Masumi could have ended up with Futaba (as Touma ended up with Taichi).

Fourth, KAITO's notes on volume give us a few hints. He comments that there was remarkably little interference with his story and that he was able to tell it as he wanted, and that the ending was meant to be a "question" to the reader. The way I see it, Masumi's ending wasn't meant to say "maybe you'll be fixed if you get a man" but rather was meant to complement Taichi's ending and say "things happen in ways you might not expect, but that doesn't mean they're bad."

Fifth, Touma/Taichi ending up together shows us that the series is willing and able to show queerness as a good thing and a happy ending, so it's unlikely that Masumi was meant to come off as "actually she just needed a man" and more as "life can be unpredictable but you can always find happiness"

Summary

It's unclear whether Masumi was written as a bisexual woman or a lesbian woman or a questioning wlw

I personally read her as a lesbian and I wish that part of her character had gotten more exploration

Masumi's ending wraps up her arc (struggling to trust other people with her feelings in general and her queerness in particular) in a satisfying and logical way

Masumi being bisexual does not in any way negate or lessen her identity and experienes as a wlw, bisexual people still face external and internalized homophobia and all the associated issues

Masumi's bisexuality may well have been foreshadowed, but the execution makes it easier to read her as a lesbian, which makes her ending seem like a homophobic cop-out in the style of the Hays Code

Masumi's ending doesn't straightwash her and goes to unusual lengths to affirm her attraction to women

Masumi's ending seems to be written to contrast Touma's ending, showing that getting or not getting the love interest depends entirely on whether you choose to pursue them

It's unlikely that authorial intent was to straightwash Masumi

[imaginethathaikyuu]

kinktober - day twelve

futakuchi kenji - reunited 

kinktober faq kinktober prompt list NSFW warning including: kind of possessive i miss you sex, thats it baby Just Sex other tags: angst! super angst!, a little fight, reunited at last, should-be high school sweethearts, getting back together after a break up, tfw university causes u to break up with ur bf</3, Selfish Kenji, reader who doesnt need a man but Wants One fem reader

(sorry this is late! i’ll get back on track sometime this week!) 

word count: 2913 -

“You’re pretty.” 

A deep breath. 

“Really?” 

Spoken through a dry throat, “Yeah,” with an nervous nod. Kenji had no idea what he was doing there. 

Your perfume smelled the same. Your cheek was still soft underneath his thumb. He could still tilt your head to look up at him with ease. 

“I’ve always thought so.” 

What was he doing here reveling in the familiarity of you and calling you pretty and wondering if your lips were as soft as he remembered? Why was he putting himself through this again? 

“You’re only saying that.” 

“You know I’m not,” he said.

He needs to learn to shut up sometimes - to say no to going down paths that never lead anywhere good. But when it comes to you, nothing would stop him. Not even rough roads or unsavory destinations. 

“You know I don’t just say things.” 

“You do to me.” 

“Not anymore.” His nose brushed against yours and it killed him to be so close to you again, so close but still not having you. He thought about how badly it hurt the first time to feel you slip between his fingers like sand; you could do it again, and he couldn’t stop you. He wouldn’t. But still, he told himself it’d be different now. “This isn’t high school anymore.”

“I know, Ken.” 

And his heart started throbbing again; he felt that old pain all over. “Don’t…” 

“Kenji…” You were speaking under your breath, whispering on purpose so he had to listen. So he had to hear you. “I missed you.” 

“I miss you,” and he could cry, because he’s shouted these words before while wishing you could hear them. “I missed you more, baby.” 

His hand was still on your face, your lips were still too close for comfort. He wanted them. All he’d have to do is pull you a bit closer and they’d be his. 

He’s played through this scenario in his head dozens of times over the years; he knew a reunion between the two of you was inevitable, and he also knew it probably wouldn’t end how he wanted it to, just like his first go around with you. 

But you two were high school sweethearts. Your old classmates said it themselves hours ago at the Date Tech Class Reunion - nobody could believe you two weren’t together anymore. You were meant to be. They said it so much that Kenji started believing it himself. 

He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. He wasn’t going to hold back and just let you slip away from him again; he wanted to kiss you - he felt like he needed to, so he was going to kiss you. What was there to lose? 

But really, you were the one who kissed him; he was too lost in the shock of feeling your lips again to be able to kiss back. 

He couldn’t believe it. If you told him he’d time traveled and he was in back high school, he’d believe you, because there’s no way in hell he’s gone five years without this. 

He did feel 18 again; he felt the same rush he felt when giving you his first kiss all those years ago. This time was a lot similar to then: he had you pushed up against a wall - though this time it was your front door rather than the backdoor of the gym - and he was too nervous to even move his lips. Your hand was gripping his shirt, right over his pounding heart, and his hands had fallen to your hips. 

But it hurt. He didn’t know a kiss could be so painful; he pulled away the moment he felt it sting. 

“Y/N.” 

“Come in with me,” you whispered to him as you tugged on his shirt. “I want you. I miss you.” 

“I can’t,” he stuttered out; he felt like he was running out of gas and there was nothing to get him over this hill you’d just placed him at the bottom of. “This is… it’s too much.” 

“Are you just going to let me go?” 

“Are you just going to leave me again?” 

He watched you wilt in that way you do when he says things you don’t want to hear, and like always it reminded him of the rose bushes in his garden that his mother could never seem to keep alive. And he waited for you to show him those thorns of yours, to spit them out until he was covered in them and bleeding, to defend your dying flowers until your last breath. 

But you didn’t. And he was bracing for the wrong thing - he was ready for vitriolic words to pierce his heart. He wasn’t ready for you to grow right in front of him. 

“I didn’t want to leave you.” You said it as softly as the hand caressing his wrist, too nervous to take his hand. “I know you never believed me. I know you still don’t. But I didn’t want to leave you.” 

A step back. “Then why did you?” 

He already knew your answer, and you knew that. 

“I asked you to come with me. You didn’t.” 

Another step, then another; your hand dropped from his arm but your gaze raised to him. 

Kenji didn’t know what he wanted to say, he didn’t know what he wanted to do. He wanted this to be easier. He wanted to feel comfortable in your arms and under your piercing stare; he wanted to go back to an hour ago when he was boldly flirting with you and being teased by all of his old friends for it. He wanted to give you all the parts of him that you left behind five years ago in Miyagi. 

But he couldn’t. Not until he knew that you wanted to have him again. 

“I’m sorry, Kenji.”

“I know.” 

It was awkward while he twiddled his thumbs and paced around and tapped his feet; while you stood with your back against the door, arms crossed, looking down at the ground as if you couldn’t look at him anymore. 

It was only when his back was to you that he felt more like himself. “You’ve really changed, you know.” 

“So have you,” you replied with a dry laugh. “I like your hair better like this.” 

That made him turn back to face you. “Do you?” 

“Yeah. It’s shorter, it’s cuter.”

Kenji found himself wanting to sit down and wishing he had a beer in his hand. “I didn’t mean physically. You’re still pretty.” 

“Then what did you mean?” 

He shrugged. Honestly, he’s not sure what he meant. 

“You just feel different.” If he was paying attention, he would have heard your breath catch. “Must’ve been those years in another city.” 

Both of you laughed at that, even though it wasn’t funny - even though there was a hint of bitterness in his words. 

“But I’m not there anymore.” It was your turn to step closer to him, and he was stuck in his place as you did. “I’m right here, Kenji. And I don’t have anywhere to run to. I’m right here, and I want you, and I still- ” 

You froze, biting your tongue and looking like you were about to say something you shouldn’t. 

“You still what?” 

You tried to back away but he grabbed your hand and pulled you closer to him, and he stood with bated breath as he watched you try to keep yourself together. 

But you couldn’t, and he understood why even without you finishing your sentence. 

“I still love you, Kenji,” and your crying came out of nowhere, “I’m sorry if I shouldn’t but I do. It feels like I never stopped.” 

Kenji felt it again: the need to kiss you. Apprehension was quick to follow. But he asked himself one more time what there was to lose, and he realized that the answer was a lot, but he didn’t care. He kissed you anyway. Because he needed to. Because this was possibly the last chance he’d ever get. Because you told him you love him - whether you meant it or not didn’t matter. 

He pulled you closer than you had been in years and forced himself to stop thinking about anything but what was happening now. Now, you were back in Miyagi. Now, you were both finished with university. Now, he had you right between his palms, and he was going to hold on as tight as he could to keep you there. 

“Inside,” he mumbled against your lips as he pushed you back to the door. If you didn’t listen, he’d take all of you right there on your porch step. He didn’t care. He was going to take this chance while he had it. 

You got the door open, somehow, and when you were inside he turned around and pushed you right back against it, closing it hard. 

He needed you. Five years without you, without this, felt like hell compared to the heaven he felt when you were kissing him. 

“Kenji,” you said, a beautiful whine for his ears only. 

“What, baby?” 

“I want to be yours again.” 

That took his breath, and so did pulling your hips against his. 

“I’ll make you mine,” Kenji told you, securing that promise with a kiss. “You’ll be mine again.” 

You led him to your bed in a frenzy; your jackets and shoes and Kenji’s pants came off along the way. 

“You have no idea,” he started, swallowing the lump in his throat as he looked down at you lying beneath him, “no idea how bad I want you.” 

You bucked your hips up, feeling how hard he was for you. “I think I have a clue,” you said with a light laugh. “Take my dress off.” 

You didn’t have to tell him twice; he peeled the fabric off of your body slowly, carefully, as if he was trying to stretch out the time. He didn’t want this to end too fast, because he was sure you would only be his until this night was over, and if he took his time maybe he could convince himself that you were permanent. 

“My god.” 

He missed you. And it was hard to admit, but the sight before him left him with nothing but that thought repeating in his mind. Over and over, he thought it again and again. 

And it made him sad - angry, even - that you had the nerve to leave him and fall in love with a different city while he was stuck sinking in missing you. 

It was selfish, he knew that. To wish you had done what he wanted you to do, to sink with him, was one of the ugliest things about himself. But it was the truth. 

Kenji wasn’t selfless, no matter how badly he wanted to be. 

He had this frozen look on his face, one you couldn’t quite place. But you had seen it before, only once, when you told him you were leaving him so you could live a dream in another city. 

He was still analyzing your body, hating how familiar you looked, when he forced himself to speak again. 

“I have you now, right?” 

You nodded, “You have me,” and it was the response he needed. 

“I’ve missed you too much,” he said, laughing at his sad honesty. “You’re still too hot for me, you know that?” 

“I think we’re a perfect match,” you said, and those words caused his mind to drift to places it hadn’t in years. 

“We are,” he hummed, and finally, he let himself kiss your skin. Your neck, your chest, the curve of your breasts, the top of your abdomen. “Remember how well you take me? It’s like a perfect fucking match.” 

“I remember,” you said through broken moans - your back was arching into his lips, your legs were shaking on the bed. “Come on, Ken, just fuck me - just want you to fuck me, want you inside me again. Please, Kenji.” 

You sounded so desperate that he almost felt bad, but he felt good knowing that you wanted him as much as he wanted you. 

Kenji knew he’d regret doing it this way. He had spent countless nights wishing he had done things with you differently. He took you for granted, he knew that. He didn’t hold you close enough or ever dare to do things slowly - all he ever did was take from you, and here he was making that mistake again. 

He told himself if he ever had this chance with you again, he’d do it right. He’d take care of you piece by piece, he’d be the one giving, he’d make it last forever. 

But that wasn’t good enough, not for a man as selfish as him. How could he wait when he could have you now? How could he stretch out time he had so little of?

You were kissing him, undressing him, touching him; you positioned his cock at your entrance and he sunk in as if he didn’t have control of himself. He didn’t, really, not when it came to you. 

“That’s it, fuck,” he breathed, “god, you feel fucking perfect. Like you were made for me, holy shit.” 

“I’ve missed this,” you said, and his only response was a desperate thrust into you. You’d get the hint. 

It would be so easy to savor you, and yet, he couldn’t. His hips wouldn’t slow down even if he knew he had all the time in the world; he was going to fuck you like he had no time at all. 

And Kenji knew that if this was your last time, he would wish he had done better. At least turn the lights on to get an image of you in his head that would last in his mind, or tell you how he feels instead of trying to show you. 

But he’d stop thinking about inevitable regret, because it was easier to only think about you. 

“This is where you belong,” he told you. “Right here. Taking all of me. You belong here - you belong to me.” 

That’s what he said, but he meant the opposite. You didn’t belong to anyone - he knew that when you so bravely followed your dream. But he belonged to you. He was only yours, he always had been. From the moment he kissed you outside of the gym in high school, you had him hooked. 

Maybe it was his desire for you fueling these thoughts - it was his sex driven brain thinking this way. It wasn’t rational or even normal - he didn’t care. 

But, suddenly, you kissed him, the same way you had on your front porch; one hand over his heart, the other holding his cheek, kissing him even though he wasn’t kissing back, and everything slowed down. 

Kenji’s movements faltered, he lowered his entire body so every part of his bare skin could be touching yours. Your hips thrusted up into his, fucking him, and that was it. You had him. 

“Keep going,” you said against his lips; he nodded, took your hand into his, and kept moving - slower this time. 

He watched you and your every reaction to his touch. You were desperate like him, but not frantic. It was like you knew something he didn’t - like you were living in a forever he didn’t realize he was a part of. 

And he said, “God, you’re so pretty,” followed by a deep breath. You squeezed his hand and looked up at him with a smile, this time knowing he meant it. 

He thought going slower would make it last, but he was wrong; you were so intoxicating, the feeling of you was so new but somehow familiar, and Kenji was never going to last as long as he wanted to. 

But you were one step ahead of him, pulsing around his cock and throwing your head back, moaning his name while making a mess on the sheets. Kenji only added to the noise and the mess, giving you an extravagant display of how much his need for you had grown over the years. 

Before he was even finished cumming you were pulling him closer, your grip around his waist tight, your love for him spilling from your lips. He was too out of breath to reply, and too nervous to move. 

But, soon, loud breathing drew quiet. Highs wore off. Things felt different, but still the same. 

A question lingered in Kenji’s mind, one he’d been wanting to ask you all night, from the moment he saw you again. He awkwardly scooted away so he could ask. 

“Do you regret it?” 

You knew what he was referring to. 

“No,” you said, honest with your short reply. 

His eyes locked onto yours and he said, genuinely, “I’m glad,” even though your answer stung the most selfish parts of himself. 

“Do you want to know why I don’t?” 

“I guess.”

“Because I knew this would happen.” 

He had some idea of what you meant. 

“I was never scared of losing you,” you continued. “I was only afraid of not finding you again. But I did. I knew I would.” 

Kenji had nothing to add to that, because you’d answered any questions he had for you. You knew how he felt, and now he knew you thought the same way. 

Despite spending years longing for you again, he knew he’d have more time with you. He knew it was never over.

“You’re right,” was all he could say. “You found me.” 

-

tune in tomorrow for kinktober day 13: angry 

[annavysoul]

I can confirm, they introduced themselves as 3 readers and they made a post how Bee is leaving and starting their own channel. They even made a post to support it and linked the blog, that's how I knew of the Bee drama. But yknow whatever. But they shouldn't demonize those poor future apouses lmao, it's not gonna be them, or any of us.

Warning very long, I got carried away my bad lol

But the drama on tumblr is kinda mild conpared to Youtube "readers". At least the readers here on tumblr try to hide the fact, that they're describing themselves very well but yoooooooo.... Youtube readers are a different breed. Most of them are super young (12-13, but there are a handful of readers old enough to fucking know better) and just straight up describe themselves with no shame. I even found some who put pics of themselves lmao. Me and my friends like to go through readings and bet, who is describing themselves as a spouse. There is one reader who has over 30+ vids on Mrs. J, and most readings are like over 20 mins long. How much is there to know about a person, that doesn't exist yet??? But most YT readers are obssessed with the fact, that Mrs. J is from India, what a coincidence that the reader is also from India lmao. I'm not saying BTS wouldn't ever date someone from that country, I'm saying it's impossible to get a specific country, age, height, religion etc from tarot cards. The pics on the cards might give you clues and the cards can say that the person is different from you, but they go into way too much detail. And it's funny because they're always soooo specific for Jungkook and V, but for the other ones....crickets🦗 On one hand it's so sad bc you have these little girls, putting out their private info, looks and secrets for the whole world to see (these vids have thousands of views) and they don't really grasp the consequences of their actions bc yknow, their just children. The internet never forgets. But on the other hand, you have these grown women who, like I said, should know better than these little girls. Not only do they get so defensive if you don't 100% allign with what they said, they are borderline so obsessed of the idea of being a spouse. Like tf??? Bts aren't Gods. They're very attractive celebs, who's purpose is to entertain people with their contents and music (hence the word idol & entertainer), while they do feed into that perfect bf material scheme, it's up to the fan to not actually develop real romantic feelings (a celeb crush and being a stan is something very different). Most are actually fans for very superficial reasons, they just find them attractive, not the music. And if you take the glitz and glamour of fame and money away, Bts are regular human beings, with flaws and issues. Like. The. Rest. Of. Us. They only show you the best side of them, because it's part of the whole idol package. We truly do not know these people, no matter how sincere or authentic they appear on camera. Like so so many were suprised that they wanted to disband a few years ago, bc they couldn't handle the pressure. These readers always believe if they meet/marry them, their life is going to be better and they feel alive again or smth. Most of these readers actually need therapy, I don't mean that in a condescending way. They imagine that their spouse, a celeb they've never met, will be their sole reason for their happiness and only then they are able to fix their issues and unhappiness. That reeks of co-dependency. And even if they'd become couple and be public, then what? A really big big chunk of Armys are actually in love with Bts, no matter if they even know tarot or not (Armys usually claim that only 2% of the fandom are delulus but that's definetly not true🥴). You'd get send d*eath threats, be harrassed, get doxxed, be hated for all eternity, even if you'd decided to break up. Look what happend with Jk and the tattoo artist he only hugged. She lost her job bc Armys were reporting her, some were trashing her workplace, she got threats, her friends got harassed and doxxed and she lost a friend (Jk). Not only that, but people would legit stalk you and try to hurt you, if you were a romatic partner of Bts. Then you also have the tarot side, who'd try to curse youa nd paint you as the evil demon, who is toxic to member xyz. And I don't think you'd want to spend your entire life locked in your house. And I personally could never deal with like millions of haters, no matter how hot my partner is.

Yoooo! i search again in yt and watch a couple of videos... these are kids for go sake🥺🥺 where are their parents and why they let them public private infoooo?!? internet and children isnt the best combination...

and yess, theres also grown up women and thats really creepy, u can understand that children might do that cause they are young, BUT WHEN U ARE OLD ENOUGH, U SHOULD ACT BETTER!! and i insist, they just trying to prove to themselves and to the world that they are worth it to be with a celebrity, like yeah of course u are worthy, like any of us, but this is not the way u know? its weird, i dont think its sane at all, they just are using the cards to feel better, and thats bs. and if it is just a cope mecanism, plz work on yourself, get help, life its better when u are in a healthy place

also its interesting about mrs being from india and most of all the videos i watch where from indian armys, tarot doesnt work like that, yeah u can feel the energy that its different, perhaps different culture and think that maybe it could be a foreing, but the cards will never tell you something that specific, less if u dont even know in person the people you are reading for

we dont know them at all, and people put them in a such high pedestal just for being famous and hot, so i really have trouble to think that some tarot readers can pick their real energy, im a very intuitive person, but i need to be in the presence of the person to feel their real energy, so to be so specific in a reading they need to energise the cards with the energy of the person, they need to at least shuffle the cards and connect with the reader, sooo thats why i only see these reads as enterteiment, and its bad for the community to claim that we can see ALL of about them.

i'll never forgive the people who threaten the tattoo artist, poor girl, and thats why the guys cant have healthiest relationship, let them have a LIFE

[90kvp]

⚠️ LOVE VICTOR SEASON 2 SPOILERS ⚠️

So everyone is talking about the crazy love triangle at the end of the second season of Love Victor and who they think he went to see. I haven’t seen a lot of prediction posts so here is what I think. There is a lot of things pointing to both Rahim and Benji so I’ll go through both and why I think that it’s Benji in the end. At first I wanted it to be Rahim so bad, because they’re both from non-white, religious families. Also, it’s so hard for feminine guys to find someone and Victor doesn’t seem to care and he makes Rahim happy so I wanted it to be Rahim. As a queer Iranian I had to root for my kind 😅 But I rewatched all of season 1 AND 2 to look at everything, so without further ado, here we go!

Things that point to Rahim:

they both understand their struggle with their family and religion

When vic and Rahim skip class and run into Armando and Shelby, Victor says “what are the chances that the first person you date is the person you end up with”. Could be foreshadowing?

Victor and Benji had a lot of problems and fought a lot. We don’t really know how good two kids can be at communicating

Things that point to Benji:

what is the point of Isabel going to talk to Benji? It could be to keep the plot of her and Armando going, as a way to get them back together. Armando talked about how they could only get back together if Isabel changed. So there is a chance that it was only to push THAT narrative but there is more to it in my opinion

the conversation with Felix. Felix asks Victor to imagine all the things he would do with his future boyfriend and then asked him “who would it kill you to not do all those things with?” And on one hand, Vic and Rahim has SO much fun together, but in the grand scheme of things, it was only 2 days. Vic was with Benji for at least 6 months before their break. They did so much more together, they had a lot of dates and times that we didn’t see. They talk about a picnic in the park that we didn’t see. They skipped to the end of summer at the beginning of season 2 so there’s a whole summer that we didn’t see. Benji was Victor’s first time. Sure they had their problems but were in love too. I think this points to Benji being the answer to Felix’s question.

Benji saying “I don’t think I could ever give up on you even if I wanted to”... come on, how could he say that and then not even try?

Benji is a fan favourite. They would lose a lot of viewers if they picked Rahim. They probably won’t risk their views. I read an interview a while back, and I don’t remember it exactly, but they mentioned they left it open ended to see what the viewers want, and the vast majority want it to be Benji.

If it’s Rahim, it might push the narrative that two gays can’t be friends? Rahim deserves an awesome guy, but Victor can’t be jumping from guy to guy. If he can’t communicate properly with Benji, then can he communicate properly with any bf?

THE APP GLITCHED AND I LOST LIKE 3 MORE BULLET POINTS AFTER THAT LAST ONE AND I DONT REMEMBER WHAT I SAID 😭

Their houses + the final scene:

I tried to take screenshots of the scenes that show their houses but I guess the Hulu app makes it look like a black screen?? :( so I can’t show you what I’m talking about but I can tell you where to find it.

Rahim’s house:

- to see Rahim’s house, look at S2E9 starting at around ~23:30

- Red Bricks. There are a lot of red bricks around Rahim’s house; to the left of the front door and the entrance to the front lawn area. The final scene of the season is pretty significantly blurred out but you can still see colours. You’d be able to see the red of the bricks behind Victor.

- Cramped and closed off. The entrance to Rahim’s house is kinda cramped and the front lawn is closed off. But in the last scene, you don’t see much of anything behind Victor.

- Doorbell? I looked at the scene from Victor dropping off Rahim and tried to pay close attention to the house and I couldn’t see a doorbell.

- Rahim told Victor to come see him after he thinks about it, saying “you know where I live”. That’s a direct invitation to come to his house. Which is what Victor ends up doing; going to a house. Not sure if this one is a stretch or not tho

Benji’s house:

- We’ve seen that benji’s family is rich. The area he’s running around seems higher end. I analyzed what the area around Benji’s house looked like when victor goes to Benji’s house, and it looks closer to that than it does to Rahim’s house. S2E8 starting at around ~18:40, look at the surroundings of Benji’s house

- Back to the doorbell. The doorbell looked and sounded kinda fancy like a rich person house. Not much to go off of but still

- the open front area. In the scene where Victor comes to see Benji (and Benji’s sponsor is there), you can see that their front door and front lawn is super open. Kinda like the area Victor is standing in during the last scene

Final Consensus

So in the end I do think it’s Benji, and it comes down to the surroundings more than anything. I rewatched all of season 1 AND 2 to get context clues but what really makes me believe it’s Benji in the end is the house and surroundings. They filmed it very indescriptibly (? Is that a word?) so it’s hard to tell but that’s what I think! I tried to be as neutral as possible. I love all the boys so much and want them all to be happy, so I won’t mind whatever happens. If you have anything to add, go ahead! I had more I wanted to say but I forgot so I might add to this later :)

[shhhlikeme]

Love you writing and your sooo pretty like holly crap (god really do be picking favorites) ANYWAYS. Can you do a request with a reader that is super grumpy and clingy in the mornings please. Do it with what ever character you want I dont have a preference. Love you bby😘😘

Nishinoya Yuu x Needy & Grumpy S/O In The Morning 🤣

(slight NSFW)

————————————

A/N: Awwwwww merci cherie, je taime aussi 💛 Whichever characters I want ahhh okieeee I did Noya here and I’ll probably do a part two with Toshi and a fluffy one with Hinata after I finish my reqs! Lmk if you’re feeling it!

————————————

Noya:

At 8am, your bf woke up to a call from his best friend yelling at him to get his ass up

Noya told him to fuck off because his alarm was going to wake him up anyway, and Tanaka said ‘good’ and hung up

begrudgingly, Noya got up in your apartment while you were still asleep and dragged his feet into the attached bathroom to your bedroom to get ready and shower

Once his brain caught up with his actions he raced out of the bathroom to return to the bed just to kiss your sleeping figure on the cheek and lift the covers up a bit like he always does🥺

He took an extra second to stare at your beautiful sleeping face and he just did the sign of the cross and pointed to God because it is only by his grace that you shared a bed with him last night

Nishi turned on the shower in your en suite, leaving the door open because you said you love the way his body wash smells

A few minutes later, you woke up to the scent you love. You didn’t know why, but you were feeling upset and very needy (in more ways than one) this morning for absolutely no reason

All you knew was that you wanted your new bf of 2 weeks to make you feel better like he always does.

Not understanding why he’s up so early when he literally never wakes up before 1, you check your phone to check the date.

No! You smacked your bed sheets in dramatic anguish. Today is the day Nishi promised to meet Tanaka and Ennoshita all day to plan Hisashi’s big surprise birthday party. They were travelling to some beach house 2 hours away to see how it looks. Great.

Good for those man-children, you thought

They can all bite me tbh, you thought

So Ennoshita and Tanaka really think that they can just take your man away from you when you woke up moody for no reason all so they can get him to help them do something that’s completely fair? HOW DARE THEY!

They better think again!!!

Because you needed your man today, period

Noya was your boyfriend and you could swear Tanaka thought he was his sometimes

Well not really but that’s what the grumpy side of your mind told you this morning

You hear the pipe turn off and you hear your boyfriend get out of the shower and move around, doing God knows what in there but whatever it is he’s taking too long 😠

Sitting up on your butt in the darkness you looked around the dark room and then crossed your arms like a baby.

You yelled your boyfriends name.

Noya stumbled out the open bathroom door with his toothbrush and foam still in his mouth and his hair down.

“Ya, babe?”

He only had a towel wrapped around his wet torso and you liked it.

you glared at him for no reason.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere today.” You sneered.

He smirked because you looked so freaking cute. “Love, I told you already that I promised the guys that I would—“

“Let’s have sex instead, Noya. All day.” You stated: matter of fact.

Your boyfriend’s eyebrows raised so high they disappeared under his bangs. You’d only made love a handful of times and every time he wanted to go again you were dead asleep then one of you had to go, so hearing you say this was a lot for him to handle where ‘holding himself back’ was concerned.

Noya went back inside the bathroom and quickly finished brushing his teeth so you couldn’t see him from where you sat on the bed. In between spit and rinse he called out to you, “Don’t do this to me, Y/N. You’re not being fair saying something like that since you know the guys will kill me.”

Noya had already mentally fought down his morning wood today and the idea of having sex with you all day instead of being with his friends was like, all he ever wanted to do forever. Not that he didn’t love his friends—actually, he adored them and frankly spoiled them with his attention.... but the feeling of being inside your tight, wet, gripping walls????? There was no debate about it: it was the best feeling in the world.

Just then and as if he had implanted a microchip in his brain, Noya’s phone lit up with a second FaceTime call from his best friend Ryu. Noya dried his hand and swiped left to answer.

He immediately put his index finger to his lips as to say ‘be quiet’ because you were outside this bathroom.

Noya turned down the volume to a level only he could hear anyway, knowing how loud his friend was.

On the screen was Ryu and Ennoshita in the apartment the 3 boys shared. Ryu obviously propped the phone up on the wall so that Noya could see the two boys also brushing their teeth in their his & his bathroom.

As expected, Ryu yelled but it came out quietly through Yuu’s low volume, “NOYA, DO NOT LET Y/N SEDUCE YOU INTO STAYING. ONE HOT BABE IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR BOY FROM HIGH SCHOOL, MAN. AND I KNOW THAT BI—I MEAN THAT CHICK WILL TRY IT.”

Ennoshita was calm as usual, standing beside Tanaka. He asked him to rinse before he got toothpaste everywhere. “YN is pretty important too, Tanaka. That’s Noya’s new and first girlfriend, remember?” Ennoshita rolled his eyes as Tanaka spun in the air in exasperation.

“ENNOSHITA WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON DUUUDE ?!” Tanaka looked back at the camera. “Tell him, Noya. Tell him cause he wasn’t there. He didn’t see that night when Y/N walked in the bar and had all the guys buying her drinks. She just asked Noya once if he knew where the bathroom was and 💥 BAM. Noya was following her around like a sick puppy.”

Noya deadpanned. “That’s not true—“

it was totally true

“YOU CAN SAY ITS NOT TRUE ALL YOU WANT NOYA BUT THE TRUTH STILL REMAINS: HOT GIRLS ARE SIMULATIONALOUSLY THE MOST POWERFUL AND EVIL CREATURES IN THE WORLD.”

Ennoshita looked at him like wtf.... “Simulationalously?” Chikara rolled his eyes again. “You mean simultaneously.”

“WHATEVER, ‘DAD!’ YOU WIN THE SPELLING BEE TODAY ?!”

Noya opened his mouth to finally say something, but before he could he heard you call him from the bed.

“Oh Noyaaaa.....?”

Nishinoya heard your lovely voice coo him sexily, knowing he would clue in on your sexual innuendo.

“Crap. SEE ENNOSHITA?! SHE’S STARTING! NOYA — DO NOT GO! NO SEDUCTION ZONE, BRO!”

“Noyaaaaa baby?”

You cooed again, this time more playfully seductive.

Noya followed the sweet sound of your voice like he was in a trance, going to the edge of the door only as a precaution so that he could hear you better but not see you.

“Y-yes babe?” He asked shakily.

“I need your help with something baby....mmmm.” 🥺

With his phone still in his hand, Noya shut his eyes. His chest moved up and down noticeably as his breathing increased.

“Well damn.” Ennoshita finally looked at the camera now with wide eyes. “Is that Y/N? She even sounds hot.”

Noya opened one eye and nodded at his father-like friend.

Tanaka whined, “She’s hot as fuck, to be honest. Which is why she’s so powerful. Hey, give me your phone I’ll show you her Instagram.” Explained Tanaka. Ennoshita did and Tanaka pulled it up in a second, handing the phone back to his roommate.

After a second of scrolling Noya heard an, “Oh my God...” as Chikara ran a hand through his hair.

Tanaka nodded. “Yep! And that is exactly why we need to get our boy out of there safely before she engulfs him and turns him into her own personal robot! Before she realizes that she has him wrapped around her pretty little finger!” Tanaka pointed to Noya through the camera. “We have a party to plan, NOYA! I made an appointment with the venue and everything!”

Noya straightened his shoulders, agreeing completely with what his best friend was warning him of. “Right.” He finally whispered, determined now. “I double pinky swore that I’d be there.” Nishi nodded.

“Right! Exactly! That’s my Noya, my best buddy!”

“Noyaaaa.....I really need your help....”

Your slight moan that followed your call made Noya bite the knuckle of his index finger immediately to keep himself from running over to you because of how alluring your voice was.

On the phone, Tanaka spoke up: “Don’t go out there, man......”

Noya thought of something scary. “But Tanaka, my clothes are out there!”

Tanaka shook his head. “Who cares??! I’ll buy you new clothes. Just go downstairs and we will pick you up. Don’t look back just run. Just run—“

The three boys were silenced when they heard a loud moan coming from the bed. It was your moan that you raised your voice for, in hopes of that reaction precisely.

Noya couldn’t help himself anymore, he slowly peaked out from behind the bathroom door to see what you were doing.

And what you were doing should be downright illegal, as far as Noya or Tanaka were concerned.

What Noya saw was you laying on your bed, the sheets only up to your hip bones. You were only wearing a purple bra that had the straps falling off your gorgeous shoulders. Your eyes were closed as you were biting your lower lip. As much as Noya wanted to keep staring at your to-die-for rack and beautiful face, Noya’s eyes were glued to a movement however, which was you moving your hand in a steady rhythm under the sheets. Your hand was between your legs of course and you had a look of ecstasy on your face. Even though your lower half was completely covered by the sheets, it didn’t take a genius to know what you were doing.

The now-older second years on FaceTime couldn’t see anything from where Nishi held his phone but they sure could guess what was happening in that room from the look on Noya’s face!

“Mmmmmm.....yes.....”

After a minute of peeping, when Noya looked back at his phone screen all he could see was a closeup of Tanaka and Ennoshita’s ears because they clearly were desperate to hear more of his girlfriend’s antics. Your bf turned back to look at you when your voice mounted again.

“Oh Noya, I want it harder, baby, harder...”

Noya couldn’t feel his limbs. You made him so horny he was numb.

“This feels almost as good as the real thing, baby, but it’s not nearly enough......”

Noya screamed internally, feeling like he was at a crossroads. A crossroad where one side’s sign said ‘FRIENDS’ and the other sign said ‘REALLY? WE’RE PRETENDING YOU AINT COMIN’ THIS WAY? 😑’

As Noya stood at the metaphorical crossroads, you kept it up.

“Yes, Noya, I want the real thing.... I want it over and over again today.....As long as it’s the real—“

You broke your speech to moan.

“—As long as it’s the real thing, Noya. I want the real thing..... Mmmmmm Senpai—“

“Fuck!” Shouted Tanaka on Facetime as he slammed his fist on the counter in anger. “She fucking got him!”

Noya looked down at his phone and he could see his best friend cradling his head in his hands in defeat. Tanaka looked at Noya once and he knew it was game over. Ryu shook his head. “Just go, Noya. The hot chicks of the world win again for today. I’ll uh....I can reschedule our venue appointment.”

Noya started involuntarily bouncing as he looked at his friend from inside the bathroom. “A-are you guys s-su-sure bec-because I-I think I can st-still run out and—“

Getting irritated, you shouted at your boyfriend. Not knowing that your mad voice was a turn on for him too.

“Noya-senpai, If you come now I’ll do that thing you like with my tong—“

“COMINGG!!!!” Noya yelled as he tossed his towel and phone to the opposite end of the bathroom in a hurry. Take a guess where he went.

With the towel now over their vision, Tanaka and Ennoshita looked to and from eachother in awe.

“Soooooo.....does Y/N have any friends that look like her or..?”

Tanaka flicked his roommate on the head. “Shut up. Come on, you’re buying me breakfast.”

Ennoshita grimaced. “Why me?!”

“Because I’m really upset, Chikara. Duh! And you’re practically mine and Noya’s father!”

Ennoshita rolled his eyes for what felt like the 20th time that morning. “Alright.” He sighed, before hanging up the FaceTime call.

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE: