#or he's blamed for being 'abusive' for things that don't really qualify as abuse...?

[fideidefenswhore]

His 'merciful inclination and princely heart' meant he was always ready to 'take pity and compassion on all offenders repentantly crying'. In the case of his daughter, since she was, 'frail, inconstant and easy to be persuaded,' he would be glad to remit some of his displeasure.

The King’s Pearl: Henry VIII & His Daughter Mary, Melita Thomas

[suffersinfandom]

Heyo, @nidmightcookies! This is my response to your reply on Atticus' post over here -- I didn't want to take away from the message of that post or the additions from other POC.

Sidenote: I'm extremely white and have no credentials that make me qualified to talk about race (I'm just a person who reads and tries to listen), and my takes are probably going to show that. That's another reason I didn't want to clutter up the original post with my reply.

In response to this

“Why is it racist to depict Ed as uncontrollably violent?  Because he's not actually depicted that way in the show.”

you talk about Ed baiting the crew to murder him and committing other violent acts. The original point is stating that Ed is not depicted as uncontrollably violent in the show, not claiming that he perpetrated no violence full stop. Yes, Ed does violence. No, he is not uncontrollably violent.

What Ed does is purposeful, not uncontrollable. He doesn’t push Lucius off the ship after he gives up all hope because he’s a violent guy who just does stuff like that, and the mutiny situation in S2E2… as allthinky said in a response, “that’s Ed at the end of his rope,” not him being uncontrollably violent. He’d been working towards suicide ever since he started baiting Low. As a backup plan, he’s been working the crew hard, disregarding their well-being, and being an overall awful boss in an attempt to incite a mutiny. 

Yes, he was “a serious, immediate threat to his crew” by the time he was out of other ideas to make someone take him out. Ed commits acts of violence -- I don’t think I’ve seen anyone claim he doesn’t -- but he always does so with some amount of reason (not necessarily good reasons) and control. 

“Upon reflection, my biggest issue may be with the people who argue that Ed's never been shown to be violent, or that any time he has resorted to violence, he's absolved of blame by the fact that someone was mean to him first. Which... I don't think I've seen you make either of those arguments at any point in the past.”

I’m really glad that you mentioned that OP hadn’t made either of those arguments (that you know of), that was genuinely very cool. As for the rest of it, I don’t believe I’ve seen anyone say that Ed is “never shown to be violent” or that he can always be “absolved of the blame” unless you want to remove all of the nuance from common talking points. 

He is never shown to be more violent than the average pirate and, due to his deep-seated trauma relating to his own capacity for violence, he’s actually on the less violent end of the pirate spectrum. He can’t be absolved of all blame for his actions because he’s a grown man who makes his own choices (and saying otherwise robs him of his agency). What I’ve seen said is that Ed’s actions are informed by things like trauma, abuse, and racism. His actions make sense. They’re not spontaneous violence committed because Ed flies into rages and homicidal spirals out of the blue.

“Not saying we shouldn't consider it [that is, are we “assigning more weight to Ed's violent actions than those of other characters or assuming he's worse than he actually is”], but I mean. If a white character on the show had cut off his employee's toes and fed them to him, shot him in the leg, ordered his death, held a gun on his other subordinates, marooned some/tossed one overboard, threatened to drown the ones that remained... because he was pushed into it, with the same combination of abusive childhood/hostile work environment... would he be equally deserving of that consideration? Would it be an overreaction to call him dangerous?”

Probably, but if everything was the same except Ed Is White Now, his baggage and his relationship with Izzy wouldn’t be exactly the same. Ed's race isn’t inconsequential. We can't really remove race from the story and end up with the same character, y'know?

Also: I do think it’s inappropriate to turn this question back on POC. I don’t think that POC are obligated to reconsider biases against a white character.

“Izzy is crew”

Ed’s relationship to Izzy is not comparable to his relationship with the crew. The crew have done nothing wrong and haven’t behaved antagonistically towards Ed. Izzy and Ed have a complicated, toxic, and difficult relationship (regardless of where you stand on whether or not Izzy’s abusive), therefore any harm caused to Izzy has to be considered differently than harm caused to the rest of the crew.

“Even if we say that he doesn't count, Ed still pushed Lucius off the ship.”

Yes, Ed did do that, but I think that Atticus is talking about Ed’s S2 actions in that point, not what happened in S1. Most (I think all?) meta I’ve read does consider Ed pushing Lucius off the ship an act of violence that Lucius himself did nothing to provoke. 

This might be controversial, but I’d put Ed pushing Lucius overboard on par with, like, a particularly unjust firing in a workplace that isn’t a pirate vessel. When we watch OFMD, we have to adjust our physical violence meters to account for the fact that we’re dealing with an environment that’s full of physical violence.

“Also, emotional abuse directed at the rest of the crew is still abuse”

I don't consider Ed emotionally abusive. He works the crew hard. He’s a terrible boss who doesn’t give his employees vacation days or paid time off and then throws them a sad pizza party. That sucks, it’s not okay, and his final death spiral in S2E2 is terrible and he never should have involved the crew in that. 

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that’s meant to control people. Not all harm is abuse. When I say that Ed isn't abusive, I'm not saying that he didn't hurt people.

“So... I was raised by a physically and psychologically abusive parent. I get that Ed's been hurt, is still hurting, and why. The "why" doesn't matter for the question of "did he or didn't he", though. It may or may not be his fault, he may or may not have done it because he felt unsafe. The point is, his actions did hurt people.”

Same, friend, and I'm sorry you went through that. (That’s actually one of the reasons I’ve always been wary of Izzy. What he says and does in S1 is too familiar to me, sometimes to a point where I can’t watch certain scenes.) I don’t think anyone’s saying that Ed isn’t hurting anyone, or that all of his actions can be attributed to abuse. If that’s not what you’re getting at here, apologies for misunderstanding.

“His boss that he was trying to control was brown.  Was that a factor in his power play though, or was it because Taika wound up being cast as Blackbeard? Any other (white) actor in the role, would Izzy be as bad for trying to control him? Would the scripts have gone a different way?”

Here’s the thing. In the show we have, Blackbeard is played by a Maori/Jewish man, and this fundamentally alters the character. There are things in the show -- whole episodes, if you want to look at S1E5 and the fancy party guests who treat Ed like exotic entertainment and not a peer -- that wouldn’t be the same if Ed was white. 

And yeah, Ed being brown changes the dynamic between Ed and Izzy. It would still be bad if a white guy was trying to control another white guy, but it wouldn’t be bad on the same level. Same goes if they were both brown. A white man trying to control the behavior of an indigenous man is worse.

“Izzy got permanently disfigured, crippled, and dead, while Ed came out largely unscathed in a physical sense, due to Muppet logic. Not to say one is more deserving than the other, but for a bunch of fans, there's probably a sense of Izzy getting the short end of the stick, to consider.”

That’s fine if some people feel like Izzy got the short end of the stick. It’s fine that some people feel like Izzy’s arc was kinder to him than it should have been. It’s okay to feel whatever! We connect emotionally to different characters and that biases our opinions and meta. That’s not a crime. We just need to be aware of our biases and why they exist.

The thing with OFMD is that Ed is a main character with more background and a story that, at every turn, asks you to sympathize with him. We’re given a look into Ed’s psyche. We understand at least some of his trauma and hurt and why he acts the way he does. Izzy has virtually no backstory and we’re never offered a glimpse into his mind; we don’t know why he’s like that. You can totally like a secondary character (or even an antagonist!) with no real canonical background or mental groundwork. It’s fun to ask why characters do what they do when canon doesn’t offer us any answers, and who doesn’t love a mystery box? 

But with OFMD, it can raise eyebrows when people say their main concern is the suffering of a white man who behaves antagonistically towards a brown man, especially when that brown character is a well-developed lead who also suffers (and suffers at the hands of aforementioned white character). It’s not inherently racist for someone to care more about Izzy than Ed, but it’s also not unreasonable to ask that someone to think about the possibility that subconscious racism could be factoring into their point of view.

“I don't think it's fair discussion to have a rule saying ‘even though you didn't directly call out the brown man, your argument is still racist’... even if it's true in many cases, it effectively means that no criticism of the character can ever be considered valid. If someone wants to argue ‘removing your employee's toes and feeding them to him is abusive behavior’, they can't, because of the unspoken skin colors involved? I don't know what the solution to this is.”

No one is saying that all criticism of a character of color is racist or invalid. As allthinky said in response, we’re saying that “those critiques have to be based on real evidence, and placed in a careful context, so that their actions can be understood as human, and not just the brutality of some brute.”

Criticize, but criticize with evidence and with awareness of the context of the criticized behavior. 

With the Izzy example, you have to consider the context of their relationship and Izzy’s actions throughout S1. Izzy isn’t just an employee: he’s a trusted second-in-command who has been insulting, controlling, and disloyal; he endangered not just Stede but also Ed and the rest of the crew; he told Ed that he was better off dead than acting as he was, and that Izzy's loyalty belongs to the violent worksona that Ed wants to shed. Is Ed being abusive when he’s reacting in response to abuse from his abuser? 

“[T]he show has layers (like an onion). Sometimes the meaning is not entirely surface-level, and everyone has a different level of comprehension. Sometimes obvious things to us aren't obvious to other fans/vice-versa. There's a whole 'nother discussion of media literacy to be had.”

I think that Atticus said it best here: “This is not a subtle show. That's not to say it's a simple one [...]. It's amazingly layered and emotional responses by characters are often extremely complex. However, when the show is trying to tell you something, it's not subtle and it never tries to hide it.”

There are a lot of things in OFMD that are subjective and open to interpretation, and those things are fun to discuss even when we have different takes. There are also a lot of things that are very clear. When people try to subvert the messages and ideas that OFMD is conveying loudly and openly, other fans get suspicious and wonder if the folks doing the subverting have an agenda, a bias, or just misunderstand what the show is saying.

I hope that reply was sufficient!

[festivalofthe12]

mannnnnnnn IDK if it's just because I never fully finished the manga myself (sorry everyone;;) but I just. don't. really understand how Akito being just another one of Tohru's friends is supposed to. work. in practice. with Yuki.

Not because Akito is an ~irredeemable person who never earned her redemption~ or whatever. People being good is good!!! If Akito is legitimately a better person now, that's awesome!!! And frankly I love stories where legitimate kindness breaks through to save people who are shitty but also deeply deeply sad!!!!!

But to most of the cast, Akito was a pretty distant enemy. Yes, she'd show up in person now and then to be chilling and mysterious, but her primary source of contention was Being God. The way she ran the family and the rules she set up around it. Other characters might have spent a lot of time seething at her, but mainly to blame her for indirectly causing things to happen in their lives. Apart from a very small number, most have never actually had much experience just... talking to her.

Which is not true for Yuki.

Yuki has spent more time with her than almost anybody. By the end of the manga, she's still probably the person he's spent the most time in contact with, total, over his life. He literally could not get away from being in the same physical space as her.

His reactions to Akito aren't based on him blaming her for what she did to the Sohma family. His reactions to Akito are based on a very simple 'if I can see her, things about about to get very bad very quickly for me personally.'

At that point, it's not even really about whether he blames or forgives her, or what he thinks she 'deserves'. It is an immediate anxiety (let's be real: PTSD) trigger. It's neither conscious nor logical. He spent endless amounts of time waiting with horror for her to show up, unable to know or control when that would happen, and then having that horror fully justified. He was trained on it, endlessly.

I fully believe that Yuki would want to trust Tohru and respect her friendship with Akito and believe that everything has changed and it's all good now. But I just can't see him being him able to actually... act on that. In practice.

He never even really properly got to process it. Ayame did the classic oblivious parent thing of trying to override Yuki's negative emotions with happy ones before he was actually ready to move on. (Not critiquing Ayame; he's just a flawed human being in his own right!) Tohru comforted him and told him he didn't deserve it, and now she's friends with his abuser asking him to say everything's fine. If Kakeru ever fully found out what happened, it was off-screen, and not all that much time before this all went down.

I just. Really think that what Yuki needs is at least some time to just be better and angry, or at the very least openly mourn his lost childhood. And he needs to be able to do that without those constant triggers of anxiety from interacting with Akito. All things being equal, I think it would be for the best if he could just tell Tohru straight-up that he's fine with their friendship and he's not going to intervene but he just does not want to be in the same room with Akito ever again.

And... if I were to stretch this a bit further, and potentially really betray my unfamiliarity with endgame canon........... it is kind of hard for me to imagine Akito being okay with that.

Yes, Akito has changed. But surely she still needs time to grow and learn and figure out her new place in this world? And Yuki deliberately avoiding her would... be a difficult thing to accept. Firstly because she's still getting used to giving up that selfishness (especially towards Yuki), but also because it's a reminder of some of the awful shit she did. Which, if she's a changed person, should make her feel bad. Which again, she isn't qualified to process!!

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Akito twisted it around in her head to where Yuki really was her friend. Like they were in this together and Akito didn't always handle it well but at the end of the day, they're the only two who can really understand each other. Because Akito really didn't have that, either. (Kureno being... idk man he always seemed more like a guardian, or at least older brother figure than someone who was 'in the trenches' so to speak with her.)

Either way, it'd all place Tohru in such a deeply complicated position. Akito is hurting badly and needs Tohru to be on her side if no-one else is, because to be fair, that's not all wrong? (Kureno has always been there, but Tohru is her saviour.) But she can't really do that if she's enforcing Yuki's boundaries for him. I feel like Akito would really want Tohru to tell her that she's forgiven and that everything's good now, and if she hesitated even a little, it wouldn't go well. Because Akito only knows how to understand two things: obedience and manipulation. So having others set healthy boundaries - and dealing with the resulting feelings of rejection and shame and guilt - is something she still has to learn how to do.

It just sounds. A bit like a clusterfuck tbh. A clusterfuck that could, eventually, turn out okay!!!!!! But one that would take a LONG time and continued process of reflection and self-awareness (and, ideally, HEAVY THERAPY, but of course we all know nobody in the Fruits Basket universe ever gets that, so). Obviously like that's the happy ending and we don't need to extend it out for four more volumes of like 'Yuki and Akito undergo cbt separately via Tohru's infinite patience' lmfao but. Idk. It just seems to imply a lot in that happy ending that has not really set up by the story to be all that easy.

Unless I'm completely wrong and the last volume or two does in fact set this up perfectly. In which case never mind!!!!!!!!!!

[xb0rder-7inex]

I just want to address something because it's really irritating me and it's not personal it's just something I have a really low tolerance for right now.

Please do not send me asks that are essentially an invitation to vent to you. I won't talk to you about my situation and this isn't some kind of romanticized relationship. I'm 30 years old. I am a full adult and I am in an abusive relationship. It isn't like I can talk about it and everything is fine. There is a legal barrier here that we are literally going to trial for. This isn't a light problem it's a very private subject and the only reason I post about it is to keep myself accountable for which actions are my own and to pick up on patterns to make note of in the case that I start to feel like I'm being gaslit. It's more to cover my own ass than anything and it also helps me cope (like journalling) when he blocks me.

The harsh reality is that I don't know what lengths he will go to and while I don't believe him to be violent I truly have no idea what he would do to me and sometimes I am really scared of him. But he psychs me out mentally a lot and he is more emotionally and mentally abusive than he is physically abusive. It's all just here for documentation.

My life has literally fallen apart because of him. It is so fucking likely that none of you can relate to losing literally every single thing you had in your life. Your dog, your job, your home, your relationship, all of your friends, your family, your car, and practically a foot as well. When you're supposed to be the fucking victim. To be victim blamed by law enforcement when you're trying to go back because you know how much worse it gets when you try to move on. To be placed in a shelter surrounded by true drug addicts (I'm talking meth, crack, fentanyl, etc) having never gone near any of that shit in your life with all the staff telling you that you don't belong here and not knowing when you'll be able to get out of this unfamiliar territory. Having to rebuild literally your entire life from the ground up. Playing roulette with thousands of other people in the city let alone the province who are just trying to pick up their broken pieces too.

Absolutely nothing anyone says can make that better and I've made peace with where I am. I'm a grown ass woman dealing with some really serious shit that I can't just walk away from. It's an abuse cycle that leaves you walking on eggshells so frequently that it's so much easier to take it than it is to try and leave. There has to be a right time and there has to be a plan. It can take years.

I have a leg up for housing because I'm not an addict and I'm in a DV situation and I qualify for some extra benefits and my main goal right now is to manifest housing. I need to get out of the shelter. I need to get into a space that's my own. Something that is mine. A place that he can't take away from me.

That kind of shit takes time. It takes a lot of resources and it's a lot of waiting. Im in Canada so it may be a little different everywhere but I encourage you to look at statistics and maybe something will make sense to you about why you can't just leave a toxic relationship, and why it's triggering to victims to tell them they deserve better and to leave.

[acacia-may]

More House Vaude Drama Thoughts...

Hi, I'd like to chime in with more House Vaude Drama ramblings given all the recent discussion going around (which I guess was started by me, sorry everyone lol 😂). @lyranova, @loosesodamarble, and @just-a-little-fan-1793, none of you have to read this (and sorry for the tag), but I couldn't figure out whose post would be most appropriate for me to reblog with my added thoughts so I've just decided to create a new post with more thoughts and tag y'all in case you want to see it. 😅

Long story short, the purpose of this post is that I'm not sure how well I explained my own personal feelings on this topic in my original ask (which Lyra so kindly answered and I've gone ahead and linked here) since my big issue with this whole convoluted mess isn't so much that it's a convoluted mess or that I shipped Vanessa with Finral first or even that Finral and Finesse's relationship had some flaws in the way it was presented in the canon. My real problem with all of this is how wrapped up it all is with the possibility of Finral returning House Vaude, his abusive home that he left for extremely good reason. But my thoughts on this topic were really long so I've put most of them below the cut... 😅 Thanks in advance for indulging my ramblings.

(Warnings: Black Clover spoilers and implied/referenced/discussed child abuse and gaslighting. There also are some constructive (but, I will admit, relatively blunt) criticisms of these pairings and how they were handled by the narrative)

I'd like to start by reiterating that I like both the Finral x Vanessa and Finral x Finesse ships, and I'd go so far as to say that I actually really like that romance isn’t the main focus of Black Clover. I truthfully didn't get into shipping in the series that much because it was so sidelined which really allows the strong friendships and familial bonds (especially in those wonderful found families) to shine!

Also, to this point, I love Finral and Vanessa as just platonic friends just like @just-a-little-fan-1793 mentioned (and on some level, honestly might prefer them that way). That said, I still think the manga did a much better job of qualifying their relationship in that way. When I mentioned in my original ask that I felt the anime played up Finral and Vanessa in a romantic sense, I really blame the English dub for that as I feel like the original Japanese anime played things much less flirty and much more familial teasing between them (it's the delivery of some lines, especially the ones in the sea temple). I've seen both, and I think if I had watched the Japanese first, I would have felt similarly that they were just good friends as I really don't have the strongest "romance detector" in the world and tend to default to platonic friendships unless whacked over the head with the romance. 😅😂

For me, some of those exchanges between them were just too flirtatious (in English). Maybe I was just looking through the lens of my own experience knowing that some of my dearest and closest friends are guys and I'm a woman, and I would never ever talk to my guy friends that way, especially if I knew they were as desperate for love as Finral. I realize part of that is just Vanessa being Vanessa but at the same time, it's (arguably) irrefutably that she is Finral's "best friend"...she knows him better than most people which means she knows how at least a part of him is going to take her saying she'd "let [him] take [her] on a date" if they survive the sea temple battle (and so on). It seems unreasonably cruel to tease him like that if she had him firmly in the "Brother Zone." (Not saying she wants to date him just that I felt there was a least the tiniest sliver of potential there for this reason. Even if the potential is barely 0.0001%, it's still more than zero. I just don't think she would've said it to Finral (again because she knows what he's like and how he'd take it), if the potential was zero). This line was not in the manga, so again, I blame the anime for the confusion which I think is a point that Lyra @lyranova and I both really agree on.

To the Finral x Finesse point, I agree with Erika @loosesodamarble that Finral and Finesse's relationship was handled poorly by the narrative in a troubling variety of different ways. Finesse should have (and easily could have) been mentioned sooner and it should have been made clear that Finral really was pining after her this whole time. Also, this "joke" that it's turning into is not funny and is honestly concerning for Finral's mental health, like he's gaslighting himself and we're all supposed to laugh at it?? It's bizarre and I'm really not a fan.

I would like to state for the record however, that my biggest concern with this pairing is not that I prefer Vanessa for Finral (honestly I'm not sure that I do if it was just personality-wise as I like both pairings equally in that respect but the situation things surrounding a Vanessa x Finral relationship are far less troubling to me which is why I think I tend to lean that direction). My biggest concern isn't even that the narrative kind of botched the Fin Fin execution--I'd be willing to forgive that since I do love Finral x Finesse as a pairing, but what I cannot possibly get over is that I can't think of remotely believable situation in which Finral can marry Finesse without going back to House Vaude. She is the king's grandniece, promised in an arranged marriage, and chronically ill. She also is meek and traditional just by nature. She can't and (I would argue) won't just elope with Finral. I'm sorry. I wish that was the case, but it isn't. If/when they try to make an elopement (or a "Finral gets the girl but Langris gets the estate" situation) happen in the canon, it will feel cheap, unrealistic, and/or nonsensical to me, and I say that as someone who actually ships this pairing and wants to root for them (which is a big source of my frustrations). Unless House Vaude miraculously burns to the ground (we can only hope right🤞), Finral will live there if he marries Finesse. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Which leads me to my main issue, I would rather gnaw off a limb than see Finral return to his abusive home, and I honestly say that with very little hyperbole. Now, I'll disclaimer this by saying I have a lot of personal connection to this topic (probably too much to stay level-headed about it) having loved a "Finral" (someone who ran away from an abusive situation in eerily similar circumstances) in real life and that may cloud my judgment a little bit here because, to be frank, the idea of that person returning to their abusive home for any reason at all makes me feel physically ill. Yes, of course, Finral himself is a fictional character, but the sentiment extends to him too because this whole plotline just hit way too close to home for me to the point where I have lost actual sleep worrying about what's going to happen to Finral and if he's going to go back to House Vaude at the end of the series. I realize there is some projecting there on my part (which is why I mentioned it), but it's the biggest reason I don't think I could really cope with a "Finral's happily ever after involves him becoming Head of House Vaude" ending, especially since Finral's romantic interest in Finesse has been handled so poorly by the narrative that they can't even make the (albeit weak) argument that "Well he loves her so much that it's okay he's going back to House Vaude. His love is so strong it'll help him weather the storm of abuse waiting for him when he goes back there." [For the record, that is a terrible, weak argument just objectively and it would be even if Finral x Finesse was the most perfectly handled ship in the history of the universe, but it can't even begin to be made here when he is literally banging his head against a wall yelling at himself that he actually is in love with her like "sHe'S tHe OnLy OnE fOr Me! Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Probably because you look like you're gaslighting yourself, buddy... 🙄 And yes, this is all just a bad joke, I understand, but it's in really poor taste considering what's at stake here is Finral returning to a toxic environment where he was tormented and abused for nearly two decades until he finally escaped in his adulthood. There is absolutely nothing funny in that.]

My heart breaks for Finral and I feel extremely protective of him, so my biggest concern in all of this House Vaude drama is his safety and well-being. I know that going back to House Vaude (no matter what his reasoning) will not be the best thing for him. Even if he believes that's "what he wants," it really isn't what he wants--it's only what he "thinks" that he wants because he has unrealistic expectations of what returning home will be like (See, his whole "I will make Father acknowledge me" speech when he "declares war" on Langris before leaving for the Heart Kingdom). That's not going to happen. That's never going to happen. The harsh reality is that the Lord and Lady Vaude are horrible, awful people who are incapable of unconditional love--a fact which has messed up both of their sons.

I worry about Langris too, of course, but he at least seems to have a better understanding of the reality of this situation than Finral who still keeps blaming himself like it's somehow his fault his father and stepmother don't love him. He still believes he can "earn" their love and just hasn't yet because there's something wrong with him, whereas by this point in the story, I think Langris is aware that there really is not and was never any love there to earn in the first place. Nothing either him or Finral do will ever be enough for Ledior and Liliane. Langris understands this, and Finral doesn't (which as much as I would love to rescue them both from that hellscape, if one of them has to stay, at least Langris knows what he's getting into).

Finesse unfortunately is way too connected to this house, this situation, and these people on account of the arranged marriage. If she was just some random castle town girl who had no connection to the Vaudes whatsoever, I think I'd have had much less of a problem with her being introduced late because Finral could just marry her without involving his horrible relatives at all (and that is the real issue for me here). But unfortunately, that is not the scenario presented to us by the canon. As it is now, Finesse and House Vaude go hand in hand and likely always will. I think Finesse herself knows this which is why she likely gave Finral space all of those years after he left. I like to think she really does love Finral which then begs the question of what she wants because I can almost guarantee you with 99.9% certainty that if she really does love him and has even the tiniest inkling of a sliver of what has gone on in that House Vaude hellscape (which come on, she cares so deeply for both Finral and Langris (however you want to qualify that) and has been around this family for years now, no matter how much her boys try to protect her from it all, she at least knows some of it or can make an educated guess that there's something dark and sinister in that House behind that perfect persona they try to display to the world), she wouldn't want Finral to step one foot back in there for any reason at all but especially not to be with her.

But yes, to be perfectly fair, this really isn't about Finesse personally. I would have concerns about any relationship for Finral if it involved him going back to House Vaude. (Though I'll admit that Langris' involvement in the whole Finesse situation was so unnecessary and has left a sour taste in my mouth, especially since the way things are playing out in the canon it is much easier for me to believe that Langris is the one who really loves her. Just a personal feeling, but it's not one I can give up and even if he acted like a jerk for a lot of the series, there is something unfair and tragic about the idea of Langris who was abused or tortured in House Vaude just like Finral (only in a different way) getting the rug ripped out from under him losing his house, title, what he worked for his entire life, his sense of identity in a way and (possibly) the only woman he has ever loved to his brother (who needs to stay the **** away from all that House Vaude garbage in the first place) but I digress...). Anyway, I think I settled into Finral x Vanessa mainly because it's not even an option for them to go back to House Vaude (not to mention that having been rescued from abuse herself, there is no way in hell she is letting him go back there).

But these are just my own personal feelings and opinions. Everyone perceives and interprets things differently. Like Lyra said, one of the fun parts of being in a fandom is getting to see all the different perspectives and interpretations. Everyone likes what they like, and it honestly would be really boring around here if everyone was exactly the same and liked exactly the same things so I'm really a big believer in (to paraphrase an old adage) just ship and let ship. I've no problem with either of these ships and no problem with anyone who ships both, one or the other, or neither of them. I personally actually like both of them myself. My only problem is Finral going back to his abusive home and as that seems like a more likely possibility with one (and the one that is most likely to be canon), it does leave me with some big concerns and some sour feelings for what otherwise would have/could have/should have been just a very sweet pairing.

Also, I think I'll just wrap things up with a confession that my favorite ship in this entire "House Vaude Cluster" is actually Finesse x Langris, [and it's honestly the only one I could probably drum up actual passion about as a ship in its own right (outside of this convoluted mess of circumstances, I mean)], but that has everything to do with my own personal preferences and the fact that (as I mentioned earlier) it is easiest for me to believe that Langris loves Finesse more than any other possible pairing in this love urchin. It hadn't been mentioned in any of the previous discussion at all, so I'm mentioning it now just to mention it. ^^ That said, it has nothing to do with anything I discussed here, so do with that information what you will. Cheers!! 💙

[lanwangjiismyreligion]

Warning: This post ist about personal experiences with emotional and narcissistic abuse in families. Please be aware that this content can eventually be triggering, thank you.

Yesterday I got an e-mail and it was written in regards to an article I posted on my small German blog last month. This article was my personal attempt to talk about a phrase I heard a few weeks before:

"Aren't we all a little bit narcissistic?"

Here is the link to my article. It is written in German but feel free to share anyway:

I took this phrase and made it the title of my article. I wrote about how such a phrase minimises and trivialises the harm of certain personality traits and in the end shifts the blame to the victims of emotional narcissistic abuse. This kind of societal gaslighting is often used in Germany, unfortunetly.

And this e-mail was such a touching feedback that made me think like rather spontenious: perhaps I should write some kind of memoir where I can collect and share some of my experiences so far? It would be so much nicer to have a book than just posting short articles on my blog ...

2 Seconds later, a shrieking voice screamed in my head: Am I out of my mind??? How could I think I had the skill or the guts to pull this of? How dare I'm that arrogant to think that this is a good idea? Do I want to be the next Stefanie Foo? How insolent, how prespumptous, how overbearing, how absurd and irrational ...

After my inner selfabuse faded a bit, it dawned me: It doesn't matter what I start writing the anxiety of trying and potentially standing out in the open is always there. It scares the hell out of me to be successful doesn't matter how small this success is.

And here ist are some more crazy thoughts:

I don't really think that, well, I know it sounds ridicules, but I don't really know if my experiences are qualified enough to justify writing a memoir.

I'll be blunt: Perhaps on an absurd level of self gaslighting I am not sure if I'm "traumatized" enough. Yeah, even as I write this, I feel that I must be crazy to think that my parents had been that bad.

Because its all so fresh, I mean that I' m able to recognice the possibility that I could be a narcissistic abuse survivor. After I published my fantasy book in September 2023 I started to feel fatigued and anxious instead of being happy. But I couldn't stop writing and I wanted to be a selfpublisher, so I fought. I was live on Instagram, reading chapters, I found an real life writing community were I'm active and do readings, I'm now a member of the team that runs the community, yes, I am successful in a small way.

But marketing was and is so, so scary, the thought of making my book - and in the end myself - public alone was and is terrifying. Yes, I did some things but it was far, far less then some "normal" selfpublisher does in a commercial writing carrier on average. Really far, far less.

I have not an official C-PTSD diagnosis.

I just discovered that in my family was some strange sickening pattern between children and adults that seemed to come from parts of my grandparents and that my parents showed the same behaviour, perhaps a little bit of a variant. My father showed this entitlement, he did the silent treatment, showed impulsive rage, one day something was okay, the other day not, so there were no rules, the jealousy he showed toward my friends and male lovers, he did the triangulation thing with me and my older sibllings, like I was the golden child but later I turned into a scapegoat within days and so on.

It took me until last year to recognize that depression, burnout, immune system problems, heart and blood preassure problems and anxiety where all normal illnesses we younger ones are dealing with until today. Some of these things I associate with PTSD or C-PTSD now, but actually I cannot say for sure because no one diagnosed me or the others. But depressioen and Burnout were diagnosed but it wasn't put into a connection as consequences from emotional abuse.

But this e-mail showed me that it seems there are people out there without a chance of getting a diagnosis who can identefy with my experience and now I'm sitting here thinking in circles:

[clotpolesonly]

if you'd want to share your expansion of the declinsky fic idea I'd eat it up!!!

OKAY IF YOU INSIST

continuation of this idea which was already quite long on its own lmao (tw again for abuse aldfkjg)

.

so we left off with Ronan having stormed the underground boxing ring to find out what the fuck is going on with his brother and Kavinsky, Declan having a whole-ass meltdown, and Ronan coming to the conclusion that his brother is being victimized and needs help.

which would be all well and good, if Declan had actually come to that conclusion and wanted help. alas, this is Declan Lynch we're talking about. he's still clinging to the idea that he has some amount of power in this situation. and he is not big on that whole "admitting weakness or showing vulnerability where other people can see it" thing. nothing more humiliating. he needs to regain some of his fucking dignity.

thusly, in the morning, Ronan finds that Declan's changed his tune. he downplays it all. he had a bad night. but, obviously, he's fine. it's not that bad.

convincing someone to leave an abusive relationship isn't always a linear process, and it's certainly not an easy one. he's acknowledged that it's toxic as fuck, and he's not walking that back, but it's certainly not anything he needs his little brother to rescue him from. he can handle his own relationship.

Ronan gets whiplash 😂 feels like he's going crazy. after all that shit last night? the crying and panicking?? everything he said???

"oh, now you take my word as gospel? what happened to Declan Is A Liar"?

"what, you're saying you lied about Kavinsky abusing you?"

"i never said he was"

Declan has gone way past his quota for sharing his emotions in the last 12 hours, he is DONE with letting people in or being honest with them (or himself). walls have gone up. and he's real good at being a condescending shitbag when he wants to be. he laughs at the idea of Ronan being qualified to give him relationship advice, as if Ronan's ever gotten anyone to like him enough to get any experience in that area.

and on some level, Ronan knows what he's doing and that he's doing it on purpose. lord knows he does the same thing when he's feeling defensive. but that doesn't make him any less reactive to the button-pushing.

he yells back that if Declan really wants to let K slap him around, then fine, don't come crying to him about it again.

Declan does go back to Kavinsky. he's got a match. and when he does, K is.....not nice. he could never pull off nice, and Declan would never expect it of him. but he's better. he lets Declan snap at him and doesn't snap back. he kisses Declan more gently than he usually does. he even talks bad about Ronan for once. (last he saw, Ronan was attacking and blaming Declan, which is exactly what he was hoping for. to sow chaos, drive a wedge between them, make things fun and interesting.)

his version of lovebombing is basically just not being a shithead, and it works because the bar is set so so low 🙃 it's not like Declan thinks they're in love or anything. he knows that's not what this is or will ever be. he knows he should be walking away, mutual toxicity or abuse, but it's easy to let himself be talked into forgetting that when Kavinsky says and does all the right things to make him feel like what he'd said to Ronan was true:

it's really not that bad. he doesn't know what he was freaking out over.

Ronan, for his part, is fucking pissed at Declan. but he also can't forget everything. no matter what Declan claims, he was fucking scared last night. Ronan can't forget what he said about being lonely and desperate and putting up with shit treatment because he didn't have anyone else. even if Declan is an asshole, that shit's fucked up and not okay.

the only reason Ronan wasn't going straight out to beat Kavinsky's ass into the ground was because Declan asked him not to, but now he's mad at Declan, so fuck it!!!

he's all riled up and pissed off and needs to do something, and kicking the shit out of Kavinsky is a pretty appealing option. problem is, K runs with a crew and is rarely alone. so Ronan alone doesn't pose all that much of a threat, no matter how good a fighter he is, and all Kavinsky does is laugh through a mouthful of blood and taunt him about how much Declan is gagging for his dick.

"you wanna hear about how he begs for me to fuck him? he's real fucking pretty when he begs. i bet i can get him to call me daddy soon."

so that confrontation goes. badly.

Ronan has to cut his losses when Kavinsky's buddies jump in to fight too, and it didn't actually accomplish anything besides giving Ronan some very distressing mental images. he falls back to lick his wounds, but not before declaring that he's not gonna race with Kavinsky anymore. with what K is doing to his brother, he's fucking done.

he's made that claim before and it's never come to anything, but this is different. this time he means it. he doesn't fuck around when it comes to family. he's not coming back.

Kavinsky is not happy about that. and who is he gonna take his frustrations out on? Declan just haaaad to go run his fucking mouth, didn't he.

it's one of those encounters that makes it reeeaaally hard for Declan to rationalize how this is not outright abuse. like most unpleasant escalations in their relationship, it's probably at least sex-adjacent. Declan's a trained and experienced fighter, he really could kick Kavinsky's ass in an outright fight, but dub-con edging into non-con is a very different thing to handle. Kavinsky putting his mouth to better use, one might say 🙃 not that much rougher, necessarily, than what they usually do, but with far more anger behind it. it feels very, very different.

but it's not abuse. and, therefore, if Kavinsky is not abusing him, then he must have done something to earn this. only he didn't do it this time.

Declan told him not to step up to K. Ronan did it anyway, and look what happens.

when Ronan comes around to his place because he won't answer his fucking phone, Declan's got fingerprint bruises on his neck and a spectacular black eye and he tells Ronan in no uncertain terms that this is his fault. that if he had just left well enough alone, like Declan fucking told him to, everything would've been FINE.

slams the door in his face.

locks it.

doesn't show up to mass that week.

Ronan's at a complete loss. how are you supposed to help someone who doesn't want to be helped? and how, when going after the person hurting him only makes things worse? what is he supposed to do??

Matthew is getting worried by now too. Declan's bruises aren't the kind that can be hidden or explained anyway by walking into door jambs anymore, and he's been acting weird enough for even Matthew to pick up on the fact that he's being lied to. Matthew calls Ronan, like "is Declan......okay? 😥"

which, obviously, he is not. but Ronan isn't sure he wants to tell Matthew that. doesn't wanna lie to him, doesn't wanna burden him. but in the end, they're all brothers, and Matthew has as much right to know that Declan isn't okay as he does.

and, he thinks, maybe Matthew can get through to Declan where he's failed to! weaponize those big sad concerned puppy dog eyes! problem is, Declan knows immediately that Ronan put him up to it, and now he's lashing out at Matthew too, which he's never done before.

Kavinsky's operation is getting more attention. that means more and better competitors. higher odds, higher profits.

Declan has never lost a match.

but he's been fighting so much for so long, he's exhausted and he never has a chance to recover from any of his injuries. not to mention, ya know, Kavinsky, who never feels the need to retreat once he's pushed (or crossed) a boundary. plus the general emotional strain of trying to convince himself that he's okay and handling this.

exhausted, always in pain, pissed at Ronan, guilty for having yelled at Matthew, teachers getting concerned because his grades are slipping.

Declan doesn't lose a match.

but he gets close.

Kavinsky is.............displeased. and suddenly Declan's position as his favorite prize fighter is in jeopardy, and Kavinsky makes it very clear that he will drop Declan the second he disappoints him.

this is, unfortunately, when Ronan shows up at the ring again.

every other attempt to contact Declan has failed. he won't answer his fucking phone, he's stopped coming to mass, he's evaded all of Ronan's attempts to find him at school, he'll barely even talk to Matthew, and he hasn't been home when Ronan's gone looking there, so this is the only thing he's got left to try.

at this point, he just wants to see Declan. is it too much to ask to fucking see him and make sure he's fucking ALIVE and in one piece?? he can't get the image of Declan with fingerprint bruises on his throat out of his mind. he knows better than anyone how fucking volatile Kavinsky can be. if the only way to check on Declan is to go back into the metaphorical belly of the beast, then so be it.

only Declan won't look at him, and K won't let him get close to try and talk. "big brother's got his game face on, can't have any distractions." clearly relishing Ronan's concern and frustration. that he's got something to hold over Ronan's head. "all that power," he croons, "and i get to take him. all because you didn't wanna play."

it's impulsive, Ronan saying that maybe he wants to play now. but it catches Kavinsky off guard which is not easy to do.

"you've been trying to get me to fight for you for ages. what, you don't want me anymore?"

"oh, i want you. baby, i always want you."

leering in a way that would've squicked Ronan out even before, now that Ronan knows what Kavinsky has done to his brother?? makes his fucking skin crawl. but needs must.

Declan, on the other hand, is furious. everything else aside, this, the fights, the ring -- it's his. this is where he has value, where he's the best. he's carved out a place for himself where it feels like he matters for once. he is not ABOUT to let Ronan show him up, here of all places, absolutely the fuck not. especially not with the warning from Kavinsky so fresh.

how much of his life has he spent playing second fiddle to Ronan? how quickly will Kavinsky drop him if he stops being the best? (what will happen to him when Kavinsky gets tired of him?)

if Ronan wants to fight, and Kavinsky wants to let him, then fuck it. Declan's gonna win this fight if it kills him.

by the time they get in the ring, Ronan is very much doubting his life choices here, but he's in too deep to back out and maybe he can get some words in edgewise during the match. it's not like he's never boxed with Declan before. they grew up doing this! this should be old hat.

but it's not like any of those matches. this is Declan pacing like a caged tiger, covered in a patchwork of fresh and half-healed bruises, looking like he's ready to rip Ronan's throat out. he doesn't fucking hesitate when the bell sounds. he definitely doesn't like Ronan get a word in. his technique is sloppy (the exhaustion is really catching up to him, and he's letting his anger drive him more than is wise), but he's out for blood. and there's a reason that Declan is undefeated.

Ronan, fresh and uninjured, is pretty sure he could win this match if he really wanted to.........but that's not the point. he didn't come here to win, he came for his brother's sake, and with the way Kavinsky is watching them, the way Declan is fighting like his life depends on it, the way he looks for Kavinsky's approval in every break......

Ronan throws the fight.

it doesn't take much, they're pretty evenly matched on a good day, all he has to do is pull back a tiny bit and Declan lays him out flat.

undefeated.

the crowd goes wild, everyone is cheering, Declan's got a gloved hand raised in triumph. K goes to him, like he always does at the end of a match, taking him by the shoulders, crowing.

usually, that's it. Kavinsky isn't much about propriety, tbh, but he's been pretty okay with keeping their fooling around to themselves, as is certainly Declan's preference. there are other algionby students in the crowd. there are potential future business associates. people Declan doesn't necessarily want to come out to and definitely doesn't want to wave his dirty laundry under the nose of.

but Ronan is watching.

so Kavinsky kisses Declan, right there in the ring, in front of the roaring crowd. because what Declan wants doesn't really matter when stacked up against the opportunity to stake his claim with Ronan there to witness it.

Ronan finds Declan in the warehouse's makeshift locker room after and tries talking to him again. tries to explain that he didn't actually come here to fight. he still wants to help him get out of this.

"don't come crying to me" definitely gets brought up, but Declan is also still insistent (maybe even more so now, sunk cost fallacy and whatnot) that he doesn't need help anyway, and where does Ronan get off pulling a stunt like this anyway?? fuck him.

"that kiss, then, in front of everyone. you're saying you wanted that? that wasn't a problem?"

"i'm saying it's none of your fucking business who i kiss, when, or where."

Kavinsky finds them. riled up from the fight, the victory, the successful shit-stirring and the goddamn DRAMA of it all. his hands on Declan's hips, kissing his neck. making eye contact with Ronan over his shoulder the whole time. "you staying for the rest of the show?"

Declan tries to push him off, to get him to stop, but resisting never does him much good when K's in this mood anyway, and he's not gonna make a fucking scene about it in front of Ronan. he's not gonna risk pissing K off and making it worse.

every instinct Ronan has is screaming at him to attack, but he remembers the bruises on Declan's throat, the door closing in his face, "this is your fault".

he looks away and keeps his mouth shut.

Kavinsky doesn't push it too far, just far enough to make his point, to feel like he's got both Lynches under his control. he leaves them alone again, promises Declan he'll be back in a few minutes so leave the motor running.

all Ronan says is "you deserve better than this."

Declan feels like punching him again. the night has been one humiliation after another. winning felt good, for a minute, like it always does, but it's ever-diminishing returns. Ronan's concern, his pity, reminds Declan of just how much it's not enough. he's tired, and angry, and ashamed. Kavinsky just pushed another one of his boundaries (a big one), and he's gonna come back wanting sex, which Declan is not in the mood for, and basically everything is fucking terrible.

he tells Kavinsky no.

he lets Ronan leave without comment, and he tries to make himself give Kavinsky what he wants, but he's so worked up and angry that all of it comes out in K's direction. all his suppressed anxiety and the conflicted feelings Ronan brought up in him vented into an argument about that public kiss.

Kavinsky was in such a good mood, but not anymore. he's really real tired of Declan's fucking attitude, thinking he can run his mouth off like this when K has been gracious enough to provide him with all this money and acclaim. where's his goddamn gratitude?

clearly, he needs to be reminded of his place. Kavinsky is not gentle about making his point, even if it'll knock Declan out of the ring for a while. and when he's finished, Declan, for the first time in a long time, calls Ronan.

he says the magic words.

"i need help."

Ronan may be pissed, but he picks up, and he turns the car around. Declan's right where he left him, only significantly bloodier.

Declan bitter and ashamed, letting Ronan half-carry him to the car: "finally got what you wanted, huh?"

Ronan, really wishing they were not back in this position, right where they were weeks ago, only worse: "Deklo, this is not what i wanted."

but it may be the breaking point that's needed for Declan to really and truly accept the position he's in. denial can hold up to a lot, especially for someone as proud and stubborn as a Lynch, but everyone has a limit. Ronan, at least, sure fucking hopes this is that limit.

.

.......aaaand that's installment 2 😂😂😂 i continue to muse on it and let it play out in my brain like a very self-indulgent movie. how to get Declan out from under Kavinsky's thumb when Kavinsky has no real conscience and is a dreamer to whom the law is really more of a gentle suggestion than a real threat?? idk, i'll figure it out sometime lmao, i'm just here for the hurt/comfort

hope you enjoy it lmao

[scentedchildnacho]

He said he grew up in Okinawa but was a military family and listed a bunch of stuff I couldn't really hear....in fact I found him switching to some eastern European dialect inadvertently the way some mexicans have shown me their revolutionary tendencies can be....but I think he was speaking english the whole time

He asked me what it was like growing up in Wisconsin so I answered him in a white way there are distinct recurrent environmental tragedies by area and it's kind of tragic and people think you have a borderline instead of white syndrome because I admit having to do extensive creative time to remember more......but really it's just a childhood filled with extensive tedium to finally accomplish growing and why people find life too short it's boring and perfunctory it's childhood

He asked me if I would ever go back to Wisconsin so I said no........they drum up support with elections for many promises but like brown mayor of buffalo new York despite claiming he would invest and fix a lot of the infrastructure problems in black areas develop extensive behavioral rebuttals for why things can't ever change

Its annoying it's a never ending hope promise that after living there for over 30 years have no belief that it will ever get better there it will always be the same manic depression and it's better for internationals there then people from there if you can go work for a few years and leave I can see how people could really like and love it there if your from there and have actually had to live through year after year after year of depletion and promise of pay back that never arrives it's just look if your going to say fuck you to me all the time then my friends must see through you to bully back...

It is having to be told to go foreign and metropolize because the upper classes have things they do off police systems and they hire people like brown because they prefer him at them instead of something they don't know so it's don't stay around there taking punishments upper classes deserve not you

He said he had children but being Japanese warned me he did make poor decisions not just misunderstood Japan and his parents have custody of his children

I told him I never had children Wisconsin is kind of a scarce area and justifying another make and model into the homogenetic pool when I as a mother have a hip injury and the pregnancy could be issue provoking so it was well I can choose and it's better this way though children are really a blessing and I blame my psychological difficulties on not having more time and relations with a child

Which surprises me I'm not really other then fertility that calculative and managerial so cold to do

There just has always been a lot of people around my own age with a lot of arrested development and unmet needs so I sort of became christian like and spent a lot of my time kind of gay that way they were my friends and I wanted to find a new way to live

Families as anti social entities kind of shock me that way sometimes so much thought to breeding more children before their friends or youth community finished something a little psychopathic to me

I get accused of being a bit frigid for deciding to be a little nunnish so it's look if I'm unfeeling how did you dominate new life before that project finished

I watched al jazeera so it was all the same doctor and if I just made the decisions I did so did the families I guess there really wasn't any of the promised women's health practitioners there is just no science to fertility world wide I guess

If there were a lot more qualified educated women in women's health I probably would have had a baby but it was witch doctored and technocrated so

Anyway he is way refreshing as the idea of the japaneese American he looks really anglo but shows off that he can be mistaken for an Asian....brendan my japaneese friend from Wisconsin had that hatred of sex and his skin was abused that kusara movie talked about as her fascination with Georgia o Keefe....and Brendan in some way in memory has become a whisperer over my drunken antics that had no meaning other then i get lonely and annoyed till I can have someone im attracted to at the time

I still didn't get to after a lot of school and work get to go to my sister's take a nap and watch a movie with Paige

Anyway this new version of the Japanese American is skinny and wirey and way more animated then Brendan so maybe that's an omen I am finally being forgiven by international authorities

Brendan was maybe really abused he mentioned his mother went missing and his older brother to a project and those skin injuries so shocking

Feminism and Janet kourany with Notre Dame and Irish allies attempting to re establish commerce through Chicago land business there was a scary environmental catastrophe though in my childhood a strange apparition or monster

Like nuclear testing they didn't admit to and way worse freezing then admitted too

It took several years of homelessness in pretty hot hot southern temperatures before my body would relax and thaw out in many ways I had gone scarily frigid though

My psychological problems with feeding were way worse then I realized thinking about it now I did really starve myself and have some Charles Dickens pretty traditionally verbally abusive characters in my life

So I do believe in pennhurst as a normative she was just having a bad day and that's just what yogins are to her

[severusdefender]

You know what I hate? When marauder stans say they're analyzing SWM and paint Snape out to be the one that "escalated" the situation as if James and Sirius didn't approach him first and proceed to disarm him and choke him and eventually at the end sexually assault him. And why is it that the most recent of these BS videos that shat itself across my TikTok screen conveniently ended their video with "James and Sirius were cruel but they didn't want to really hurt him while Snape did bc he cast a spell that gave James a face booboo" AND conveniently left out the absolute worst thing James did in the scene which as strip Snape down in front of a crowd of peers and presumably received no punishment for it?? Perhaps bestie left it out bc there is no mental gymnastics you can use to excuse or belittle that assault so they just left it out like listen if you wanna make a lukewarm take on why Snape is the very worst person that ever lived that's fine but don't use a scene where he is very clearly the victim of bullying and sexual assault/abuse as evidence (I'm not sure what James did would technically qualify as but as someone that has had my body touched without my consent I relate to how Snape felt in that moment very much)

It literally comes off as victim blaming doing all these twists and turns to water down what James and Sirius did and said but magnify the fact that Snape defended himself with "a fatal spell" (as if James choking him couldn't have killed him but go off I guess)

It really gets under my skin when these kinds of stans say they're being objective when they're very clearly leaving out vital context/background in their analyses and proceed to respond to any of your canon based rebuttals with "I'm not arguing anymore on this" like just say you may need to reread and reanalyze the scene instead of getting huffy and leaving after lecturing me pretty patronizingly on why I'm wrong

exactly. there's literally no way of making severus the bad guy in that situation because he was the one minding his own business and they attacked him first. he didn't even use sectumsempra until after they hit him with spells multiple times

[narabea06]

Warning: Spoilers for TheFamousFilms/InvisibleDavisStudios/Kainabunny FNAF series/universe

TW: Abuse, Bullying,, Manipulation, Charlie-, Death

I AM GOING TO RAMBLE ABOUT MIA THE MOUSE AND YOU ALL ARE GOING TO LISTEN! /lh

Anyway, just to help the people who don't know much about this series, Mia is a sentient mouse animatronic who is owned by a man named Davis and his gf Kat, and works at a restaurant named the Barnyard Bash. That's the general knowledge you need to know-

Now, my argument: Mia is the most underrated character and has gone through so much sh*t that is never acknowledged by anyone-

Okay, let's start off with the fact she is constantly terrorized by Charlie (AKA a cat animatronic she has to work with) who has chased her around the restaurant threatening to hurt her, almost stabbed her with a knife, almost shot her with a gun, consistently manipulates her and drags her into trouble, yells at her all the time, punches her, belittles her, generally bullies her- THE LIST GOES ON-

And Mia has a very hard time standing up to him and really wants to stand up for herself but she just can't, bc usually that just leads to Charlie getting more upset and messing with her more. And what do c!Davis and c!Kat do? F**king nothing other than telling Charlie to knock it off and telling Mia to stand up to him.

Not to mention the fact that c!Davis and c!Kat also belittle Mia and say a lot of passive aggressive sh*t about her and constantly make jokes against her. Barely anyone talks to or about Mia in a positive light beside Vanny (a bunny animatronic who used to be at the establishment), c!Bryan and c!Dylan (friends of c!Davis), Gomez (goat animatronic), and Lassy (dog animatronic), and even with those five people, she only talks to two of them on a daily basis, and another one of those people is basically dead.

Mia is constantly surrounded by people who look down on her and she never treated with respect or like a human even tho she constantly tries her best.

For weeks, she was the one to take care of the pizzeria bc c!Kat and c!Davis were gone for awhile on vacation, and constantly cleans up everything and makes sure everything's in working order before she even thinks to charge herself, and they never say thank you or even acknowledge it. Mia tries, and when c!Davis and c!Kat got back, c!Davis literally called her the most under qualified person hes ever met.

Anyway, back to Mia's trauma.

_____________

Here's a few things she's gone through so far:

- She's constantly blamed for her own code bc c!Davis coded her to be scared and cowardly and clumsy all the time, and she literally tells him he should change it and he refuses, but then complains about her being these traits and not standing up for herself.

- c!Davis and c!Kat are verbally abusive to her and the other animatronics. Like- I love them, they're great characters, but they can be just terrible to the animatronics. Once c!Davis was having a break down and Vanny, Charlie, Gomez, and Mia ran in asking if he was okay and he screamed at them to get tf out. Terrified, the four hid in the bathrooms scared that c!Davis was so upset he would kill them or scrap them. Finally, they ended up calling c!Kat bc they didn't know wtf to do, and that was basically the only reason that c!Davis calmed down. That's just one example, lemme grab another one-

- Once, Mia and Charlie snuck out bc they needed to talk to Molten (another character in the series) and went to c!Bryan's park. They managed to get back before c!Davis and c!Kat got back, and they still noticed the door was unlocked and said they needed to interrogate the animatronics on who snuck out. All the animatronics knew that Mia would break super fast and started threatening her to not say anything (mostly Charlie), and immediately, c!Davis and c!Kat decided to interrogate Mia first, trying to play the good cop, bad cop strategy with c!Kat being the good cop and c!Davis being the the bad cop. This ended with them both screaming at Mia to tell them, Mia having a breakdown, c!Davis threatening Mia with a hammer (it was a rubber hammer but Mia didn't know that and thought is was real), and c!Kat trying to manipulate Mia into telling them by saying that either Mia brought this upon herself or saying that she would tell c!Davis to stop if she just told them. Mia ended up finally telling them at the end, tho i will say that while they interrogated her, they also changed her voice settings so she was stuck speaking Spanish, chased her through the pizzeria, and then dragged her back to the room they were interrogating her in.

- Mia isn't good with yelling, loud noises, or fighting, and at one point Vanny and Charlie started having fights every single day with her stuck in between them, so she wasn't doing the greatest during those times, especially when Vanny or Charlie dragged her into their arguments.

- On the subject on Vanny, lets talk about her and Mia's friendship. Vanny started out super sweet and innocent and Mia constantly tried to be there for her and the two became friends, especially when Vanny and Charlie started fighting, bc Vanny started to even stand up for Mia, and even once snuck out with Mia to go hang out together and get Vanny some bows for her ears. Mia even said she felt way more confident around Vanny. Then Vanny got possessed by Valerie and was slowly glitch out, until eventually Vanny suggested that she was factory reset so that she could "get rid of the bug". Mia was heartbroken bc she realized that would make Vanny forget everything, but Vanny decided to do it anyway saying that they'd make new memories. By the time Vanny was reset tho, all of Vanny's personality was gone and all that was left was Valerie. Valerie proceeded to say terrible things to Mia and Charlie whenever she interacted with them and even possibly broke Gomez, who was basically Mia and Charlie's only other friend, and basically made it where he was stuck constantly in a robotic stage mode. Valerie also got Charlie and Mia in trouble all the time by pretending to the victim when she bullied Charlie and Mia and pinned it on them when c!Kat and c!Davis were around. Finding it hard to stay with Valerie anymore, Charlie and Mia tried to set her on fire- Ill admit, not the best move, but whatever. c!Kat and c!Davis were pissed and fixed Vanny and set her to another location, and Charlie and Mia hated that idea and still wanted the possibility of Vanny coming back, but c!Davis and c!Kat thought they just wanted to hurt her more and didn't listen. Even now, when its months after Vanny left, Mia still misses her and constantly talks about how she misses her and wants to have a friend again.

- Anyway, moving on to what happened to Gomez. When Gomez was broken, she tried everything to get him back and felt terrible about what happened. Then when they moved to a new location (the whole restaurant was moved a little after the fire incident with Vanny), Gomez once followed her when she was having a night to herself and told her she needed to fix him and told her that the robotic voice he had wasn't his and it scared him, and started holding onto her while glitching out before completing shutting down. Then, according to Mia, this happened a lot- Eventually Gomez finally went back to his old self, but every time he glitched, Mia was terrified and started panicking.

- Now on to Lassy. When they first got her, Charlie told Mia she would just be like Vanny, and Mia told him she wouldn't, and to prove it tried hanging out with her. But the thing is, Mia is a quiet introvert. She prefers quiet slow paced stuff and likes having time where she doesn't have to deal with Charlie or the loud noises of everything. Then, there's Lassy who's very loud, energetic, extravorted, clingy, and kinda a dumba**, and immediately clings to Mia. Mia does not exactly like hanging out with Bessy, but still tries to tho it ends up Mia trying so hard to find someone to replace Vanny. Mia even admits that she finds Lassy nice but finds it hard to get attached bc she cant connect with her.

- Bonus thing: Halloween. Basically Gomez was dressed as a ghost and kept messing with her, as Charlie gaslit her into thinking that she was seeing sh*t. Actually hell, we dont even know whether he gaslit her or if she was actually hallucinating, or if that episode wasn't even canon. Its just there, Mia ended up having a breakdown, Lassy was confused-

- Then theres the fact that when c!Bryan died, Mia had to be the one to tell c!Davis after being threatened by Molten not to tell anyone.

- Then theres when she went to go tell c!Dylan about Valerie, she got told he went missing and was possibly dead.

- But then there's the time when Charlie and Mia ran away for a week after they were threatened to be reset-

_____________

In summary, Mia was gone through so much sh*t, and she should be a more popular character, and i love her-

[lild3m0nnn-bpd]

Causes of BPD

🛑Trigger Warning: Childhood Abuse/DV/SH/ED/Substance Abuse🛑

Genetics

If someone in your direct family has been diagnosed with BPD, it may make you more vulnerable to developing BPD. Nothing has proved there is a "BPD gene" though.

Childhood Stress/Abuse/Neglect

Either the real or fear of abandonment in childhood or adolescence (childhood being describes as the years from birth until puberty, and adolescence is the period from puberty until adulthood), a disrupted family life, or poor communication in family. Experiencing chronic fear or distress during childhood may also contribute.

ANY type of abuse from childhood can be a factor in triggering BPD tendencies. It's more likely that those diagnosed will have a history of abuse or other distressing experiences. 40% to 76% or people report they were SA as children, and 25% to 73% report they were physically abused. Neglect is also a prevalent factor, which include denying a child basic needs such as food or water. Emotional neglect is when a child's basic emotional or mental needs are ignored.

I feel like I didn't go through much in my childhood (unless I have a lot of repressed memories). I think most of my problems came in adolescence, mostly in high school. I was SA'd at the age of 13 by someone I didn't know and I think thats where it truly started for me. Once I got into high school, I got into a very emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship (there is a difference I will explain in another post). He used my fear of abandonment against me quite often, he isolated me from my friends and family, he tore down my self esteem. It was truly a horrible situation that I stayed in for about 8-9 years. My memory is horrible so it's hard for me to remember exactly when it ended. Once that ended, I want to say I was about 20 at the time, I got myself straight into another abusive relationship. This one was not only emotionally and psychologically abusive, it was also physical. I endured this for about 4 years until a very sensitive situation, one that I might choose to open up about at a later time.

Trauma

I feel like this is the most talked about cause of BPD. Prolonged and sever trauma, particularly that occurs in the early life cycle, results in the inability to moderate emotions. People can adopt a range of behaviors that are best understood at attempts at self-soothing. Including, clinging to relationships where old traumas are re-enacted over time, as well as more direct behaviors such as self-harm, eating disorders, and substance abuse. Many times, they will coexist. Suicide attempts are often repetitive, and self destructive behavior is common. Many of the causes of BPD, will give rise to dissociative episodes which can be accompanied by increased self destructive behavior.

I feel like my trauma and adolescent abuse are basically the same. On top of the abusive relationships, things with my family were never really... okay. I was always on the rocks with my family, I remember my dad blaming me for my parents almost getting divorced, being called a fatty because I went back for seconds of pizza one night, among many other small things. I felt like I could never really be myself with my family and that they didn't care to understand me. I'm not sure if those things truly qualify as trauma, but given that I'm thinking about the comments 10+ years later... I know they affected me.

Serotonin Abnormalities

Abnormalities in neurotransmitters - chemicals that transmit signals between cells. Serotonin is a hormone that helps regulate mood, and improper amounts can cause noticeable changes including depression, aggression and difficulty controlling destructive urges.

I've talked about my anger issues previously. This might definitely be a factor. I have a tendency to break things, throw things, hit people. I don't enjoy being aggressive but I've accepted that it is a part of me that I'm working on. I also have a very difficult time regulating my emotions. If I'm angry, I'm furious. If I'm sad, I'm suicidal. If I'm happy, it's similar to mania. And the list goes on.

Overall, there are so many different combinations of things that can cause BPD and if you've been through a lot of the things listed or similar situations and feel like you might need a diagnosis (even if it's not BPD), please seek professional help. Sources will be listed below.

[dear-wormwoods]

Ok, I don’t know whether you hold this belief anymore but in multiple old posts you refer to Cartman having “abused” Kyle, and IIRC you suggested it was a topic for another time. I’m interested in what else you have to say about that, especially since the idea that Cartman abuses/has abused Kyle is a bit controversial in terms of accuracy.

It's definitely controversial, but I have to say that most of the arguments against it make me feel... really uneasy. A lot of the arguments that Cartman's actions don't qualify as abuse hinge on Kyle being "too strong/tough/smart/etc" to be abused, which is, frankly, a really gross way of looking at it. The implication in posts like that are that people who are or have been abused are inherently weak or easily duped, which just isn't true. Strong, intelligent people get abused all the time. No one is impervious to abuse. Saying Kyle is "too [insert word here] to be a victim" is super insulting to people who have gone through it themselves and is actually a form of victim blaming.

Yes, I think Cartman is abusive. He is abusive toward a lot of characters, and Heidi is the most blatant, 'traditional' example of it, but I would absolutely argue that Kyle is his favorite victim, though Butters is a close second and an easier target in some ways.

Let's break it down:

First and foremost, Cartman's antisemitic views and the way he talks to Kyle are abusive. I don't particularly want to repeat the names he calls Kyle on my blog, but the language he uses to refer to Kyle's religion is incredibly demeaning and dehumanizing. Not only are his intentions TO demean and dehumanize, his intention is also to isolate Kyle and highlight his 'otherness'. Kyle feels incredibly alone despite the support he gets from his family, and that's because Cartman takes every single opportunity to remind him that he stands out and “doesn't belong”. Cartman pushes harmful stereotypes onto him and makes him feel so self conscious that he ends up doing things like taking out his self-hatred on his cousin and despising the way he looks because he inherited certain features from his parents. Cartman's antisemitism has led him to literally intend to do violence against the Jewish community and frighten Kyle into turning against his own religion. To me, it's impossible to say that Cartman isn't abusive or that Kyle isn't a victim just on this basis alone.

One of the reasons people like to say that Kyle can't be a victim is because he physically lashes out at Cartman sometimes, so therefore they're somehow "even". This is problematic because it implies that unless a person takes the abuse lying down, it doesn't count as abuse. No, Kyle doesn't just accept the abuse (though he sometimes lets it slide), but that doesn't mean he's not being abused. Heidi ended up fighting back and becoming violent too. Would anyone argue that she wasn't being abused by Cartman? I seriously doubt it, the whole relationship was a textbook case of emotional abuse and manipulation right down to the initial love bombing. Cartman, like many abusers, intentionally pushes his victims to the brink and then continues to push their buttons until they snap and lash out at him, therefore enabling him to call himself the victim in the situation. And the scary part is that it works! So many people in the fandom have fallen for it and convinced themselves that Cartman and Kyle are on an even playing field and Kyle fighting back somehow makes Cartman's behavior okay. That's what he'd want you to think. Abusers LOVE to victimize themselves. Kyle defends himself from Cartman's manipulations and threats the only way he knows how, and Cartman pretends Kyle is the bully.

Another argument I've seen is that there is no power imbalance between Cartman and Kyle. On the surface, this appears to be true. They are generally equals - they're the same age, have the same physical capabilities, etc. But I would argue that they do have a power imbalance, and that's because Cartman can, will, and DOES go to any lengths to get what he wants. He lies, he manipulates, and commits acts of violence. He has absolutely no moral code when it comes to other human beings and no conscience. He's simply willing to do things that Kyle isn't, which creates a power imbalance. Kyle can't match up to him because he does have a moral code and a very vocal conscience, which Cartman takes advantage of at every turn. He knows Kyle won't do much more than call him fat, or randomly sucker punch him when he's pushed too far. He knows he holds most of the cards in their dynamic.

Cartman thrives on publicly humiliating Kyle, which is a form of abuse. The biggest example of this is obviously Ginger Cow. I don't see how anyone could watch that episode and not understand that what Cartman was doing was abuse, regardless of Kyle "choosing" to go along with it. Kyle was being held hostage by his own martyr complex, but that doesn't negate the fact that Cartman enthusiastically and constantly humiliated him in public for his own gratification.

Cartman also doesn't respect Kyle's boundaries or ability to say "no". Imaginationland is the most obvious example of this. Kyle made an agreement that he didn't think he'd ever actually have to make good on, and Cartman was literally going to stop at nothing to force Kyle to suck his balls, no matter how much Kyle said no. He then used Kyle's own words against him by "imagining" a "real" scenario where Kyle couldn't say no, and did it in front of everyone (going back to the public humiliation thing). Kyle was obviously angry and distraught having to watch this, and Cartman enjoyed that too.

Cartman doesn't respect Kyle's privacy, either. He tells Butters in Tonsil Trouble that he's sneaked into Kyle's bedroom "loads of times". Who knows what he does while he's in there, but it can't be good. Even if it was completely innocent, it's still a form of abuse because it shows that he doesn't give a shit about Kyle's basic human rights. He also clearly doesn't care about Kyle's bodily autonomy - in that same episode, he intentionally infects him with HIV as revenge. He also views him as an object/possession in Humancentipad.

I've seen people say that Kyle isn't a victim of Cartman's abuse because Kyle still appears to care enough about Cartman to help him or take care of him, like in Manbearpig of Jewpacabra. Because if Cartman is really such a monster, Kyle would just let him get what he deserves right? Not necessarily. People who are abused often have really complicated relationships with their abusers. They might hate them, but simultaneously love them or at the very least want the best for them. They also often think it's their responsibility to help or "fix" the abuser (who appeals to this by placing the responsibility of their abuse on their victim's shoulders). In Kyle's case, he feels personally responsible for Cartman and wants to help him be better, and he cares about him despite everything, though he hates his guts at the same time.

Cartman does try to isolate Kyle from his main support person, which is (or was) Stan. He enjoys it when they fight and uses those opportunities to further drive a wedge between them, like in the Black Friday Trilogy. He knows from experience - YGO and Ass Burgers - that Kyle is much more pliable and easy to get along with when he doesn't have Stan around to be a voice of reason. He is able to have Kyle to himself when they're fighting, which is what he wants. He's nicest to Kyle when Stan is out of the picture, which is sort of Cartman's way of 'love bombing' him, by giving him roles to play, not being outright cruel to him, and supporting his ideas. This of course doesn't last, it's a way to manipulate Kyle into distancing himself even more from Stan. We saw with Heidi that he did the same things to her when she was alone in the world, but the second she started branching out again he flipped a switch and became sadistic, cruel, and even more manipulative.

Abusers are never abusive 100% of the time. They all have moments of kindness or act sympathetic at times… that’s how they keep their victims trapped in the abuse cycle. Cartman is no exception. He does have moments where he defends Kyle, saves him, protects him, or acts nice to him. These moments make their relationship confusing and weird for Kyle, who sees the humanity in Cartman and wants to help him be a better person. But Cartman’s moments of kindness or support don’t undermine his many more moments of abusive behavior.

In short, Cartman's abuse tactics are mostly based in verbal cruelty, manipulation, humiliation, and a total disregard for Kyle's humanity, autonomy, and privacy.

Cartman, like all of the kids in SP, has experienced a lot of trauma, but abusers who have experienced abuse themselves are still abusers. It's okay to have sympathy for him for the things he's experienced; it's not okay to minimize the impact of his actions on other characters because of it. He is an abusive person toward almost everyone he knows, including Kyle. I think Cartman is a fascinating character! But he’s more than just an asshole kid.

Hopefully this answers your request!

[copper-dragon-in-disguise]

I have something to say.

And some people might not like it but whatever. I was scrolling through Pinterest and found this.

Here's the article link if you want to read it.

It's true. They're right. We need a break.

For context: I'm a middle schooler in her early teens, American. Public school my entire life. LGBTQIA+; Anxiety; ADHD; Social Anxiety; and a very bad understanding of social cues sometimes. I'm 2e (Or 'Twice-Exceptional), meaning I'm academically gifted but also have what qualifies as a learning disorder (ADHD). I'm a nerd and don't fit society's definition of normal.

When I was in kindergarten I loved it. Patterns? Easy. Red, Blue, Red, Blue. Writing letters? Sure my handwriting sucked but I understood it. Making clay snowmen in Art class? Fun as hell. Library? The best thing ever. Teacher? She was incredible. Other kids? Yeah, I was social. Foreign concept to me now but I was friends with almost everyone.

But you know what I miss the most?

Naptime.

An hour or so after lunch where you could sit on the floor, with a blanket, and relax. I never actually slept but gods, I got scolded so many times for whispering with the person next to me. I didn't get stressed then. I loved school back then.

First grade? I had mixed feelings. Lot of issues from then.

Second? Enh. Okay- Ish.

Third? If I hadn't had the teacher I had I would not be as okay as I am now.

In 3rd me and my parents looked at a private school. All girls, the entry test thing was amazing. I went there for a visit and there were people skipping- SKIPPING!- because they were happy with their education. But it was an hour away from us and we needed financial assistance. If it had been one or the other I would have gone there in a heartbeat. I loved it.

Fourth? PSSAs are hell, my best friend is on the other side of the school district in a different elementary school because her parents divorced, and I'm stuck with her cousin that doesn't really like me (The feeling was mutual), so I spend the entire year alone because I only ever had two friends. I also had two 15 minitue recesses and that was barely enough to keep me sane but at the same time too much time that made my loneliness even more visible.

Fifth? Ten minutes of break the entire day. Lunch was 30 minutes. The wait in the lunch line was between 5-15 (ish) minutes. My family thinks I eat too fast. I don't. Not for that. I don't have many memories of that year. I repressed them because I was bullied horribly the entire year. It's the first and only time I've ever cried in school. That summer was the last time I cried. I haven't cried in two years. I've repressed the memories to the point that I don't know if it was actually me doing the bullying or if it was her. That's how messed up my brain is. My few memories say it was her bullying me but I don't know. I really don't.

Jean? And her cousin? I didn't really fit with them anymore, but I stayed with them because I had no one else. I should have left. Made friends with Scott or someone else who understood me slightly. yes, I had my parents, but I just never told them because they were already so stressed about other shit. I didn't tell any teachers; they didn't know until it ended in a shouting match in the very beginning of my (tail end of her's) math class. I think my ELA teacher knew though. Or suspected, at least. He never gave me points for reading in class. For a year (two) my only support system was books and I had no actual friends. I didn't have any actual friends until I moved and now I have one.

Sixth? The same (Minus part of the bullying, she wasn't in my classes, mostly), except a pandemic halfway through. I sat with people I barely knew who really didn't get me at all at lunch because I was terrified of being alone, of any potential for being seen as a target ever again. I still am.

Seventh? I moved. No Gifted Program. Middle of a Pandemic. Get back to me in a month, when it's over.

My point is that I grew up too fast. I lost my childhood. I have more of the symptoms of a emotional abuse survivor than I should. I'm not comparing myself to those people; I'm not saying what happened to me is anything like whatever happened to them.

I'm just saying that I went through what, to me, was hell and some of it could have been avoided if I had had the social-emotional learning skills to make a friend.

If school had taught me what it should have maybe I wouldn't be so broken now.

If school had given breaks and less homework maybe I wouldn't be so stressed now.

If I had a chance to breathe in those years maybe I would be different now.

I can't remember the last time I was properly relaxed. The closest I get is when I'm writing; when I'm crafting a story that's all my own.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm not even sure why I wrote it. But...

I just needed to tell someone and if they- if you ignore me I'll never know.

I don't know if I was the villian. I don't know if I was the victim. All I know is I am broken; touch starved; blaming myself for everything bad that ever happened to me; and I really, really want to cry but I can't.

Sorry its so long and doesn't really connect to the picture at all.

Thank you, if you're still here.

[samanthaswishes]

Agents of SHIELD Rewatch Season 1B (ep. 12-22)

Here's my commentary on my rewatch of Agents of SHIELD Season 1 Episodes 12-22. This may not be the best commentary since these are just the thoughts and opinions that come to my mind as I watch the episodes rather than a full-blown analysis, but I'm just having fun with it!

1x12 Seeds

I don't know about you guys, but I've always wanted to go to the SHIELD Academy since I first watched this episode. Personally, I think I'd be in communications just cause I'm not good at anything physical or science. Plus, it sounds kinda fun. And it's the easiest to get into so that's probably the only one I qualify for haha😅

I like how Weaver just completely skips over Skye in introducing herself.

The Wall of Valor scene is so funny to watch now after Season 7 because Daniel Sousa's name is on that wall and like 5-6 years later, he's Skye's husband boyfriend.

The fact that May knew what was going on the whole time with Coulson while she was trying to draw his attention away from it.

I love how May talking at all means that some things is up.

Also, this is probably the start of May really caring for Skye. Even though she was doing it to take Coulson's mind someplace else, she cared enough about Skye to do this for her.

For someone who's been off-grid for 23 years, Lumley's still got it.

Also, the fact that he knew exactly what they were there for. He saw them and knew immediately that it was about Daisy.

Hearing the story feels so different after season 2 since we know that Whitehall had originally raided the village followed by Cal and Jiaying killing everyone in search of Daisy.

I get that the protocol was created to protect Skye, but it's honestly sad that none of them thought of the emotional ramifications it would have on Skye. Even though she learns that's what happened, that doesn't change the abuse and feelings of loneliness she grew up with. Again, THE SHOW SHOULD HAVE EXPLORED HER PAST MORE.

Also sad that the scene with Agent Tad (played by Zachary Burr Abel aka Elizabeth's fiance) was cut.

I honestly kinda feel bad for Donnie. Seth used him for money then he was later brainwashed by Hydra and unfortunately, had to be killed.

Skye thought she did something wrong when Coulson wouldn't look at her (Again, not to be protective about Skye, but damn somebody give her a hug.)

"I can get there." "Yeah, I can't get there"

COULSON HOLDING SKYE'S HAND AS THEY ENTER THE STORM BEING SUCH A DADDDD!!

"Who do you become?" UGH THE FORESHADOWING TO 2x10 OMG.

1x13 T.R.A.C.K.S.

TIME FOR THE BEST EPISODE OF THE SEASON AND ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES OF THE WHOLE SERIES

May looks so good in this episode.

I also love Skye's outfit, but too bad it had to get ruined when she got SHOT.

"Wait, you told him?" "YEP" Oh, May I love you.

Does anyone else get kinda uncomfortable when Fitz speaks with an American accent? Like it's so unnatural to me. (Iain does an amazing accent. It's just weird to me that the accent is coming out of his mouth)

"PrOsTiTuTeS!"

"Prostitutes? Plural?"

I love the Jemma and Coulson duo. So happy it came back in 7x03 with almost the same energy.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HESITATE TO PUNCH HER WARD!? AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'VE GOT MORALS. YOU'RE FUCKING HYDRA.

"My men are dead" Cause May got the best of you idiot.

The ICONIC holo table scene. We love to see it.

I love how in a matter of seconds, we see just how much of a badass May is while also showing how big of a heart she has towards the people she cares about.

I. LOVE. MELINDA. MAY.❤️❤️

We really got some Philinda action in this episode.

Fitz's comment to Skye is basically the right idea, but executed horribly (he said it to ease her nerves but it only made her more scared of herself) which you can't blame him for since he doesn't know what exactly she's referring to just yet.

On my first watch, I KNEW something bad was going to happen when Skye said she wanted to go in alone.

But props to Skye cause before she's cornered in that basement, she actually handles herself really well.

Here's the second Skye/Daisy choke out of the series, and what do you know, it's in front of Quinn AGAIN.

As soon as Quinn raised the gun in Mike's hand, I knew Skye was going to get hurt when I first watched it.

Oh god, Skye crying out for help always gets me.

Coulson goes into Protective Dad Mode™ as soon as he sees the blood on Quinn's hand, and he already knows it's Skye's blood.

Coulson holding Skye on the ground and just repeating "hang on" gets me every time too.

I love how much the team has grown to care about Skye over the past 13 episodes. Even though they haven't known each other long, her being on the verge of death affects all of them, and none of them can imagine their lives without her.

Leave me alone to cry😭

1x14 T.A.H.I.T.I.

The whole beginning of this episode feels so intense and heartbreaking.

I love how May's the one to bring everyone back in and say that none of them were at fault.

WHEN THE DOCTOR COMES OUT AND YOU CAN SEE IT IN HER FACE THAT IT'S NOT GOOD AHHH.

"We're her family" YES YOU FUCKING ARE I'M GONNA GO CRY IN THE CORNER NOW😭

AND THE FULL MAMA BEAR MAY FINALLY MAKES HER APPEARANCE!

I will never not be sick of watching May beat the crap out of Ian Quinn. It's literally one of my favorite scenes ever.

We love Bill Paxton here.

Also, TRIP!! I LOVE AND MISS YOU TRIP.

I was low-key (but very much high-key now) rooting for Trip to win the little fight between him and Ward...

The whole giant file thing (echo chamber I think they call it) still makes no sense to me. Like how do you tell what is what and where you are in the files?

Honesly, if they went the Trip and Simmons route, I wouldn't have even been mad (even though I personally did ship him and Skye for a bit in s2.)

Ugh the whole Skye almost flatlining to the bunker collapsing to injecting Skye with the GH-325 is intense.

We love Protective Dad™ Coulson.

1x15 Yes Men

She's getting better😆

You did amazing Skye. Don't think so low of yourself.

Skye's got 'Welcome Wagon' catching on😉

LADY SIF!!!!!!

I love May's face when Sif explains how Lorelei's powers only work on men cause they have a weakness that women don't have.

I love that Sif already knows how to use the holo table. Coulson must be feeling do bad right now haha🤣

And the Night-Night Gun becomes the ICER.

When I first watched this, I didn't understand Coulson's reasoning, but now I am totally on his side. They didn't know what the drug was (well, he did but you know), but it was so protected that it must've been off SHIELD books for a reason.

Mulan moment with May and Sif's sword.

"He will not hesitate to kill you" I mean, in 1x19 he was pretty ready to kill her and he wasn't mind controlled then.

Yep. May's ready to murder Lorelei.

What's with Simmons and that fire extuingisher? It’s the second time this season.

May beating up Ward in this episode is very satisfying.

I don't know about y'all but I'm almost positive Ward pressed the trigger on the gun AFTER Sif put the necklace on Lorelei.

"I'm not saying you were weak. I'm saying ALL men are weak."

THE MAY REVEAL!!!!!

1x16 End of the Beginning

The start of the Winter Soldier tie in!

SKYE’S A SHIELD AGENT NOWWWWW

Ward looks like he’s not happy that she’s an agent now.

“I’m no clairvoyant” he says as he’s following the ‘clairvoyant’

THE LUMERIAN STARRRRR

Don’t wish Sitwell luck, Coulson. He’s Hydra and Bucky’s about to yank him out of a moving car and yeet him across the freeway.

How did Fitz and Simmons not think May was being suspicious. She’s good at hiding it things, but in that moment, she was acting so different and her tone was different as well.

“Are you scorpio?” Yes actually. Ming-Na Wen is indeed a scorpio.

“Don’t call me Vic. It’s condescending.”

I just now realized Garrett checking out Fitz’s golden retrievers. That probably when he decided he wanted to come to Hydra.

Garrett was probably down there making sure Thomas Bash was set up.

Coulson gonna protect his new daughter from harm.

Ward don’t act all heroic. You knew that guy wasn’t the clairvoyant. God I’m so happy the betrayal episode is next.

“DoN’t UsE mY nAmE jEmMa”

HE’S AN AGENT OF SHIELD

If I was Fitz and I was peeking into May’s line and she caught me, I’d shit my pants.

“I didn’t do anything”🙅‍♂️

Okay, but what was the point of the ICER? Like why was she gonna ice him?

I kinda believe that if Skye hadn’t came in when she did, Coulson may have actually figured Ward out.

And there’s the Victoria Hand fake out.

1x17 Turn, Turn, Turn

Okay but Garret just flying the plane and reading a book is a whole mood.

I was so scared that Trip was Hydra when I first watched this episode.

DID COULSON REALLY HAVE TO SHOOT MAY WITH THE REAL GUN!?

“Booyah!”💥

H Y D R A

Garrett, Coulson’s a whole lot smarter than you thought.

*cue Among Us music*

YOU’RE ONE TO TALK WARD JUST SHUT UP ALREADY

I completely understand Coulson’s anger, but May was completely under orders and I feel like he would’ve done the same thing if he had been ordered to.

I completely missed the part where 2 different teams stormed the Bus, so that means both a shield and a hydra team were coming for them.

“You haven’t even taught me to hold up under torture yet” “We’ll get to that. It’s fun”

YES TRIP!

Hand is kinda twisting the events of what actually happened.

How did those agents that were running towards the closet not see the door open? Like it’s not hard to miss.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH WARD

I did ship SkyeWard when I watched s1 for the first time. Now, I’m just counting down the days until Skye/Daisy’s lips will be touching Daniel’s instead of this murderer’s.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE GARRETT SLIP-UP SCENE!!

IAIN BRINGING TEARS TO THIS SCENE

MAY DOING THE BLACK WIDOW MOVE!!

So Victoria Hand and that strike team just waited until the fight was done to enter?

“How deep does it go?” YOU HAVE A MOLE ON YOUR TEAM COULSON

I do wish I didn’t get spoiled that Ward was Hydra the first time I watched it. That reaction would’ve been amazing.

1x18 Providence

It's been a few weeks since I last watched haha😅

RAINA'S BACK. I frickin love Raina.

And suddenly Ward is all evil and shit. It's been what? 12 hours at most?

"You're not clairvoyant?" Well, Raina, guess who is going to be in a season.

Was I the only one who was annoyed by Fitz kinda getting on Jemma and Trip? He claims they're ganging up on him, but they're right. Plus, he's the one who told Trip to turn it on only to scream at him and get mad. I'm probably reading too much into this cause my likings of Fitz have gone down significantly since I first watched, but I digress.

YAY TRIP IS ON THE TEAM NOW

I don't really like the side plot of Fitz being jealous of Trip and acting like he's the bad guy.

"We have internet" "Yayyy"

Just drop him already, Skye. He's not worth it.

No surprise to anyone but Grant Ward is an asshole.

I get he still likes her, but if he knew someone on the team was going to get hurt eventually, why the hell is Ward so mad about it? I guess I just hate that he still cares about her because it's so DISGUSTING!!🤮

Jesus Juice™

Poor Skye. She was only SHIELD for a day.

To be honest, I understand the team's reserves about the situation.

SHUT UP WARD

You're no one's type, Ward.

Him repeating what he said at the beginning of the season is so awkward idk why😂

SCREW GARRETT AND SCREW WARD

She is concerned, Phil. I hate this whole Coulson and May conflict.

ngl May could definitely take Coulson on if she were to take his 'weapon'

These agents are so stupid. No Hand, no opening the door. Seriously? It's not that hard. If they were told to only open the doors with Hand, then that's what they have to do ESPECIALLY right now.

Skye has the cutest snow outfit with her little purple beanie💜

See, this part I can admit that I understand where Fitz is coming from. I, too, struggle so much with change. My mind is constantly thinking about ways things would be if certain things didn't change, and my mind kind of just feeds off of that.

Coulson's "agents of nothing" speech still hits hard.

Again, SKYE IS SO SMART AND CLEVER!

KOENIG!!!!!!!!

We love the lanyards.

Funny how when he mentions 'brother' none of us knew he had 3 more brothers that look exactly like him (and a sister).

"Pull the plane in" SO THEY HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK?!

"At least the machine gun didn't start shooting at you." I WISH IT DID.

I too regret that Garrett didn't rip Quinn's tongue out.

And that's the last time we will ever see gravitonium until season 5!

1x19 Only Light in the Darkness

We finally get the story of the cellist.

Okay, but what happened to all the other criminals locked up in the Fridge? Are they still on the run?

Why does almost every bad guy have to listen to classical music?

Skye sounded so scared when she said Ian Quinn🥺

Was Koenig not informed Coulson had a whole team? He seems so mad that there are other people besides Coulson.

During this whole scene we learn that May was once married, Trip is the grandson of a Howling Commando, and Skye's name from the orphanage was Mary Sue Poots.

I’ve never watched anything Doctor Who related and know very little about it, but Jemma being a Doctor Who fangirl is adorable.

Why is this the only time Ward's sister is mentioned? Like, was she just never around?

Koenig should've shot Ward right then and there. If there were spikes, that's a major red flag. I'm sure the team would understand if he had said, "he was lying. He's Hydra."

Again, Fitz hating on Trip is pretty annoying.

And that's why you don't go jogging at night.

We love Skye hacking into government agencies.

And Simmons is still a terrible liar.

"It was like he came out of a movie." Haha.... ha

They were planning a trip to Tahiti🥺😩

"I wake up like he's watching over me." Haha... ha… HA

What made Ward think he could take out Melinda May?

Bye, Eric. It was nice knowing you.

I feel like Skye was truly sad when May left. Probably felt abandoned like when she was in foster care and masked it by being angry/annoyed.

AHH, THIS SCENE! The cello in the background with Skye finding out Ward is Hydra is phenomenal!

Chloe does such an amazing performance in this scene!

UGh Ward's obsession with Skye is WEIRD and CREEPY and I DON'T LIKE IT!

DON'T TOUCH HER LIKE THAT WARD!!

Lian May has canonically met Maria Hill, and I love that.

1x20 Nothing Personal

MARIA HILLLLL

I love that Coulson finally came around on the May situation.

And that's when Coulson goes into Full Dad Mode™.

Skye is really doing such a better job at staying undercover and staying relaxed than Ward.

Hello General Talbot. Can't wait for the love/hate relationship we're gonna have for the next four seasons.

We love Melinda May going grave robbing.

WE LOVE SKYE

Skye would have actually succeeded if Mike didn't come into play. She did so well.

Skye beating Ward for the small moment is my favorite thing in the whole episode.

Ward sympathizers always ignore this scene. WARD IS A BIG FAT FRICKIN NAZI.

"Sacrifices" BOY you haven't sacrificed anything for yourself. You sacrifice other people and things that are special to those people. Don't act like you've given up so much.

No one talks about the mental manipulation Skye went through in this episode, and we really need to.

YES COULSON GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER

I'd only want to go sky diving if it was done in Lola

Coulson giving Skye a candy bar from the vending machine always makes me soft.

"hUH"

1x21 Ragtag

The flashback parts of this episode enrages me for some reason. Like, are you trying to make me sympathize with a nazi? Cause it's not working.

You all will be in Bogota in about two years to pick up someone very special😉

I love fanboy Coulson.

May and Coulson pretending to be Fitzsimmons is one of my favorite things.

"May looks barely a day over... THIRTY! YOU'RE GORGEOUS!"

Sleepy Sleep Gun™

You never want to be stuck in an elevator with Melinda May. Or you absolutely do. Depends on the situation.

"DoEs YoUr SwEaTeR iTcH?"

Season 1 is a fun one to rewatch after having had watched the whole series because they set so much stuff up for season 2 in this season.

"Skye, Trip, get ready for a large file transfer." "How large?" Y E E T

^ Still one of my favorite scenes ever.

Again, this episode is not getting me to feel bad for Ward.

I hate how Fitz just ignores Skye's experience with Ward. He wants to prove that Ward isn't evil when Skye experienced firsthand what kind of person Ward is. It’s like her experience doesn’t matter to him. It literally takes until Ward has affected him personally does he see it.

Again, no one talks about the mental manipulation done to Skye in the last episode.

AND HERE WE HAVE THE TRUE BEGINNINGS OF MAMA MAY AND DAISY!

"We'Re GoInG tO cUbA😃"

"Garrett's dying!" GOOD

I do understand that Garrett manipulated Ward, but STILL. I feel like Ward could've redeemed himself before the finale but everything he's done after the turn is absolutely terrible (not excusing every terrible thing he did as hydra before the show btw). Once he reached the point of no return, it's honestly hard to even sympathize with him. Ward deserves nothing.

ANOTHER THING! People say Ward gave Fitzsimmons the best possible option for survival. HOW DOES THAT NEGATE THE FACT THAT HE THREW THEM OUT OF THE PLANE AND INTO THE OCEAN. And don't even get me started on people saying "it was supposed to float." Yeah, the containment pod can, which wasn't invented until SEASON 3!!! I'm pretty sure what they're in is the medical pod that Skye was in after she was shot. I'm almost positive that it doesn't have a floating feature (unless I missed a line completely, but I don’t think I did. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong).

1x22 Beginning of the End

OMG, IT'S NORM FROM WANDAVISION!!!!

That guy's first mistake was approaching May and immediately calling her the Cavalry.

Okay, but did Garrett immediately start writing, but Coulson needed to see the writing first?

^Nevermind. I answered my own question. Tahiti. The false memories. That's it.

Fitz breaking his arm in the same exact places he did when he was a kid reminds me of how my younger brother has been stung by a bee twice on the same pinky finger.

What's with this season and using the "Bob's your uncle" line?

"What will I become?" AHHHHHHHH

Hey! Jemma! I was miserable and upside down before I was born too!!

Oh, Trip I miss you.

"GoOd BoY"

And also I love Skye. I don't know if I've mentioned it.

"i LoVe YoU tOo"

I don't mind Fitz telling Jemma about his feelings. (Yes, I have issues with the situation he told her in, but in a generalized sense, I don't mind) What I do mind is how he acted after the fact in season 2 just because Simmons didn't reciprocate the feelings. She obviously still loves him, he’s her best friend.

FURYYYYYYYYYYY

YESSSS MAYYY! I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH! IVE BEEN WANTING TO DO THAT TO WARD ALL SEASON!!!!!

"Hi John" *punch* "Hi Phil" *punch*

"I KNOW WHAT IT DOES"

"You were never on top" I LOVE THAT LINEEEE

"What are we?" WE'RE A TEAM😭

Coulson's an Avenger!!!! Fury said so!

HELLO BILLY KOENIG

And there's Cal!

Ugh I forgot how good this finale is.

[number5theboy]

Hello :3 Thank u for working so hard on your gifsets, please take your time producing your quality content 🥺 I don't really have a Tua related ask to send in askskskd but I'm down to read abt Five at all times so there's that. So here goes: Your thoughts on Five and Reginald and the nature of their relationship? Thank you <3

Aaahhhh thank you, you are so sweet!! And I’m actually working on a deeper dive into the relationship between Reginald and Five, especially looking at the bar scene, because it fascinates me, but I keep getting distracted, but it’s coming, I promise.

In the meanwhile, a more general overview. The thing about Five and Reginald is that Five has a fundamentally different relationship to his father from his siblings. His siblings can all safely and squarely point at Reginald as a) being the worst thing that has ever happened to them and b) the one responsible for ruining their individual lives. For Five however a) he has the apocalypse which is just clearly worse than the academy life (I’m not trying to say that the academy life didn’t scar the other siblings for life or comparing trauma, I’m just saying that however bad the academy was, at least they had food and alive human company) and he himself qualifies the Handler as being worse than Reginald (not to speak of the fact that his childhood lies back forty-five years, those are distant, distant memories, distorted by decades of monotonous apocalypse life and some very busy working years), and b) Reginald is demonstrably not responsible for ruining Five’s life - Five is, and he knows it. It’s the ‘I told you so’-theme. I’ve seen people blame Five ending up in the apocalypse squarely on Reginald, and while there is something to be said about upbringing and how Reginald dealt with Five’s more rebellious personality, in that moment, the agency is all with Five, Reginald didn’t really do anything wrong. He told Five that he shouldn’t try to time travel and told him exactly why (impossible to foresee the effects it could have on his body and his mind), and Five disregarded that and did it anyway.

So essentially, Reginald is not the villain figure to Five that he is to all of his brothers and sisters. Five does what none of his siblings do: he underestimates Reginald, underestimates his cruelty and ruthlessness, and does so massively. It is a very nice and deliberate touch of having the sibling that spent the least time with Reginald be the one who turned out most like him, while at the same time having Five be the sibling that managed to move past Reginald the most. I’m not saying he’s unaffected by Reginald - he clearly isn’t - and he definitely suffered the same abuse as a kid, but he is the one for whom it is the least defining. It is both explicitly said in the show (S1E6 “Who cares if dad messed us up? Are we gonna let that define us?”) and metaphorically, in the fact that Five is the only Hargreeves who is not technically a Hargreeves. I know we keep tagging him as ‘Five Hargreeves’ for organisational reasons here, but that’s not actually his name. Five is ‘Number Five’, he is never referred to with Hargreeves as his last name, like his siblings are. He has made a name of his own, quite literally, by taking the number assigned to his existence as an experiment and becoming more than that, a legend in something that is completely apart from what his father intended. Five is very detached from Reginald as an actual being. It has been so long for him, so much has happened in-between, that he approaches him with a certain kind of distance, as a potentially very valuable source of information, having discarded (or maybe the memory has just faded), the things Reginald did to him, to his siblings. He underestimates Reginald, and he underestimates the severity of the effect his abuse had on his comparatively much younger siblings, which is, in the end, why they end up in a 2019 where cold, hard Reginald has rejected even the idea of their existence.

As for Reginald’s view of Five, it’s a bit more difficult to interpret because we just see less of him, and know less about his personality and even less about his true intentions. We see little of their relationship in Season 1, and I think Five did comparatively fine under Reginald from what we see. He is naturally curious and willing to push his powers to test his limits, but also the one most ready to openly talk back to Reginald, which seems to faze Reginald little, indicating that it was a regular occurrence. During the fateful breakfast, Reginald doesn’t even bother looking at Five arguing for his right to time travel, until the moment that Five runs out and openly, directly defies him, and it would be the very first and very last defiance. This tells us very little, which is why I find Reginald’s reaction to the Five we know even though he doesn’t know him in Season 2 so very, very fascinating, incidentally the same thing Reginald finds Five. There is a universe in difference between Reginald not sparing Five a glance at the breakfast table and them having a discussion on even terrain in the tiki bar. I’m not going to delve too deep into the scene because that’s for the post I’m working on, but I think, for the first time in the show, Reginald looks at Five and sees someone to take seriously. I’ve seen people suggest that Reginald was playing Five during that scene, that it was all an act, but I personally think that that interpretation makes that scene so much less interesting from a character perspective. Reginald entertains Five’s ideas, he takes him in earnest, and he seems genuinely sorry that he can’t help out. I don’t believe Reginald walked out of that bar with a bad opinion of Five. For a moment there, we see a glimpse of how Reginald acts with someone he gives at least basic human decency, and maybe even something that approaches respect, to. It doesn’t break Five’s illusion that Reginald isn’t the worst thing in the world, a sense of false security that makes the plot twist at the end of the season probably most shocking to him, because I think he never would have thought of Reginald just replacing them.

There is a very intriguing dynamic between Five and Reginald, one that lives less in extremes than it does for the other siblings. I think the point of this entire ramble is that Five and Reginald don’t dislike each other, and it makes for a very fascinating relationship where everything is open for the future, where this dynamic can develop further in narratively interesting and relevant ways. Five has enough distance from his abusive childhood (which, again, is not me saying that he has no repercussions from that, just that he has suffered different trauma and abuse on top of that and, let’s be real here, never had the opportunity to work through any of it) that he can approach Reginald different than his siblings, who are still very much and more acutely hurting, and this different approach allows him to get through to Reginald on a more personal, honest level than we have seen a sibling do before.

[missmentelle]

Can people abuse you and not noticing they do? Like, they really care about you and are nice very often and mean most things well, but they are also treating you in a way that's just not okay very often, even though they don't mean to?

I have worked with many abusers throughout my career, and the vast majority of them absolutely do not believe that they are abusive. 

In my own experience, abusers are experts at minimizing, downplaying and justifying the terrible things that they do to their partners. “I didn’t slam her head into the wall, I gently pushed her to get her away from me and she tripped and hit her head”. “I wouldn’t look through his phone every night if I didn’t care about him, it’s a sign of love.” Abusers usually have a very exaggerated, trumped-up image of what a real abusive relationship looks like, and they will be very quick to point out that they don’t fit the bill. “There are guys out there who beat their girlfriends to a pulp over nothing, those are real abusers. All I do is yell sometimes when I lose my temper, everyone does that”. They often insist that their abused partner is equally to blame for the problems in the relationship, and try to portray themselves as helpless or victimized people who only appear to be abusing their partners because their partners are just so difficult all the time. 

I used to work with a young man who slapped his girlfriend across the face in public and whistled for her to come and heel like she was a dog - he claimed that he absolutely was not an abuser because he would never “seriously hurt her” and insisted he treated her that way because he loved her so much. It’s not that abusers don’t notice their abusive behaviour - they will frequently admit that they are “not perfect” partners and that they have made mistakes. The issue is that they will constantly distort reality to downplay the bad things they’ve done, and paint themselves as loving, caring people who sometimes lose their temper when their incredibly difficult partners don’t behave the way they are supposed to.      

With that said, it’s extremely important to remember that abuse is not about whether someone means it or not - it doesn’t matter what they intended, it only matters that they’re doing it. Abuse done with “good intentions” is still abuse. “I didn’t mean to” is not an excuse for abusing someone, and abusers do not get to claim that they mean well, or that they just don’t notice or understand that they are mistreating you. It’s true that abusers don’t view their own actions as harmful or abusive, but it’s important to remember that that is a choice they are making - they are choosing to downplay the seriousness of their actions and choosing not to examine their own behaviour. If I push someone in front of a car and run away before I actually see them get hit, I don’t get to claim that I “didn’t notice” them getting hit by the car - deep down, I know that that was a terrible thing to do, and choosing not to look at the results does not mean that I get to claim I’m not responsible. Any reasonable person know that hitting your partner, screaming at them, invading their privacy and controlling their life is not an okay thing to do, and a person who tries to bury their head in the sand and claim that they don’t really think the issue is that bad or that their love for their partner outweighs the mistreatment is kidding themselves.

No one gets a “get out of responsibility for abuse free” pass. There are no valid excuses for abuse. Mental illness - a favourite excuse of abusers - is not actually an excuse. Neither is drinking, substance use, jealousy, insecurity, or past experiences. Relationships are not balance scales, where some abuse is tolerable as long as there’s lots of “niceness” piled on the other side. There is no “the relationship must be THIS bad before it qualifies as abuse” bar - any amount of abuse spoils the relationship, no matter how much the abuser claims they can’t help it or how much they “make up for it” by being nice most of the time. If I accidentally dump a tablespoon of cyanide into your soup, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean it, or that 95% of the soup is still good - eating any of it will poison you. If your partner is mistreating you, it’s not your responsibility to figure out why they are doing it, or if it’s bad enough to justify leaving - you put your safety first, and find a way to leave. 

Hope this answers your question!

Miss Mentelle