#or it's some sort of autistic thing to get lost in the details or have trouble comprehending how something simple works | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

winndycakes · 6 months

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I did not wish to make this, I do not wish to bring bad light to others, so I am doing everything I can in this statement to keep it as vague as possible to grant others the same privacy I should have. But because my privacy was not respected I have no choice but to come forward with this.

If you know what I am talking about, then this is my side of things. If you don't know what I am talking about, then please move on.

(Also to note, I realize what day I am posting this on. This is absolutely NOT a joke.)

To preface this. My dad died suddenly Feb 26th. I cannot begin to detail what it feels like to lose him, after I've lost many others, to try and handle my emotions and grief while also handling the logistics of his belongings and estate, all this while having to write this on top of it. If I come across as intense, this is why.

I was in a discord server when it first opened. I dedicated a lot of time, energy, art and passion to it. I was even a mod at one point but stepped down due to my own reasons.

While there, we had an anonymous survey posted to gather information from the community about the server, what we could do to improve, what was liked and so on. Instead, some used it as a means to anonymously complain about members. I was a target of these complaints.

A quick note. This server was made within a community that has suffered MANY hardships due to anons. Keep this in mind.

One of the rules is that if you have a personal grievance with another member, to try to resolve it through DMs before coming to a mod or to even send in a ticket.

I must be clear; I was NEVER DMed by anyone how I made them uncomfortable. Not once. Nor were these complaints directly messaged to the mods. This was all through the survey (I will touch up more on this later).

I and other staff/mods that used to be on the team suggested we remove the anonymity. It's too risky for it to be abused, because as noted earlier, this community has suffered a lot through abuse from anons. This suggestion was ignored.

Now, I suppose I should say what the complaints were about. I was told I made others uncomfortable due to, and I am paraphrasing here; "talking over others, redirecting conversations back to myself and my ocs, and making too many jokes and insults about characters."

I will also say. I am autistic. What was mentioned are signs of someone with autism. My dad was autistic. I do not bring this up to deflect or excuse anything, merely to give further context.

I want to explain a bit of my process when I interact with others, in this case especially pertaining to an online space.

When I am talking with someone, anyone, I try to be as inclusive and welcoming as I can be. Saying hello, how they’re doing, that sort of thing. But a conversation is a two way street. If I don’t get a reply or any sort of means to keep the conversation going, I move on. That’s just… how talking goes. I can get very passionate in talking to folks, especially friends and things in line with my interests. It’s hard for me to notice if folks are uncomfortable in person, online it is impossible to tell. I need people to tell me directly if I am doing something uncomfortable and what it is, and if I can fix it.

My process for ocs is this: I see someone talking about their oc, they say something that reminds me of one of mine, then I share my oc. This is not to direct the conversation to me, but to share in it, it is in conjunction. I want to learn more of yours and I do that best by sharing mine. I cannot know if this isn't what you want if I am not told. And I wasn't.

I like to make jokes about characters, analyze them, critique them. I try to do this in a way that makes it clear this isn't an insult to those who like the character(s). But again, I need to be told directly by someone if I need to stop or tone it down. I would only be told sparingly by folks, and when I would, of course I'd stop, do my best to tone it down. But again, I was rarely told directly by people.

What is being described as my crimes are simply the experience of being autistic.

I cannot control it. I cannot stop it. I try to be as inclusive, warm and welcoming to all I come across. You do not HAVE to like me. But if you don't, just ignore me. You HAVE to learn to ignore people who you just… don't like. You have to learn to ignore pet peeves or to reasonably talk to the person. That's life.

So, when I received the above message, I was furious. I was at my dad’s apartment, cleaning out his stuff, and dealing with some harrowing emotions when I got this. I responded that getting this was extremely poor timing and yes, I was angry. But the one who sent this KNEW my dad died. They had seen me post about it, they acknowledged it, and still decided to message me. Who wouldn’t be angry?

Because of what I had been messaged, and the timing, I had decided to go to the owner of the server. I did not feel like it was appropriate for a mod, any mod, to message me about something that is a personal issue that folks should have messaged me themselves (and again, it is listed in the rules that things SHOULD be talked out privately between members before a mod gets involved), in a time that has been hell on earth for me.

I explained to the server owner what all happened with my feelings on the matter. I said that regardless, I would leave the server, because this was something that no one, absolutely no one, should experience. I requested for anything I contributed to the server to be removed, for I no longer felt comfortable for folks to use my art who could be the very same ones pettily using an anonymous survey to speak ill of me. So I sent my message, waited, and got a response.

I do not have anything against the server owner, but there are a few things that I must address with their response as well, because some are factually incorrect. There is full admittance to the complaints received through the anonymous survey, most recently at that. This goes counter to the rules stated that members should resolve private disputes amongst themselves first. (Again please note the screenshots of the rules.)

While perhaps not all of the mods knew of my dad’s passing, but enough DID that they should have known better. I posted briefly in the server in a slow thread so it could be better seen by people, including the mods. I had posted on tumblr as well. But the claim is no one saw it.

Again. This is just not true. Look to the above screenshots.

I do not have a screenshot of when I had sent the message initially in the server of my dad’s passing (I apologize for this), but the point being is that people knew. Another member messaged me in DMs to give their condolences. While I am and have been open about his passing, I also tried my best to not talk too much about it in the server as to bring down the mood, and I sought out the server and talked there as a source of comfort. Saying this was not clear to anyone, is false.

Now, I am sorry that I made people uncomfortable, it was never my intention to, and I will take fault in that. That isn’t what I mean to address in all this. The issue is; if people were uncomfortable, they needed to follow the rules and come to me DIRECTLY stating such, NOT give these complaints through an anonymous survey. And that I should NOT have been told during such an awful period. How can I take this at face value when I am not offered the same?

I wish to point out as well, why I kept bringing up the anonymous survey, and to bring back a note I made earlier.

There is a great deal of falsehood in using an anonymous survey to gather information, when this community has experienced a lot of hardship from anons. I have seen many people torn down and even chased out of this community and others because of people hiding behind anon. Creators, fans, and yes members, mods and even the server owner have all been victim to negativity from anons.

Now, I also must bring attention to this.

This is a screenshot I was sent of another mod posting, after I left. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY. This is why I feel the need to make this statement. Giving details like this is completely unnecessary, and with this said after I left is unacceptable.

I am sorry to be redundant, but I truly am sorry if I ever did make people uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was to make friends and share in the joy in creating art and characters with others. To share space in a community with something I truly found enjoyable. It’s why I’d get enthusiastic whenever OC’s were brought up and I’d share mine. I also wanted to share joy in the topic of the server, and yes some of that for me IS making jokes about characters or even giving critique.

I am not saying any of this to bad mouth or slander anyone. I say all of this to express my side of things. Someone who is grieving the loss of their dad, and so many others who came before him that are making me remember now because of his passing.

#winndy serious

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copingwithobsessions · 1 year

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Billy is autistic ♾

Just me rambling about an headcanon I take wayyyy too seriously :)

Hyperfixation : horror movies (obviously)

He just keeps talking about it. All the time.

Also him using his hands while talking in this scene

(There's also something to be said about him mentioning the queer actors and not the 'straight' characters but that will be for another post-)

Also in the phone call where we're sure it's him :

(If he was the one calling Casey then there's even more-)

Also him just constantly talking with movie-related things : "It was edited for TV- all the good stuff was cut out", "nice solid R rating, on our way to a NC-17", "lately we're just sort of edited for television", "Maybe your movie-freaked mind lost it's reality button","It's all a movie, it's all...one great big movie.Only you can't pick your genre","I think she wants a motive","I don't really believe in motive, Sid.", "See it's a lot scarier when there's no motive Sid", "Is that motive enough for you ?", "How's that for a motive ?", "Just pretend it's all a scary movie Sid...How do you think it's gonna end ?", "Perfect ending.", "Now Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos, movies make psychos more creative !" and basing his killing spree on horror movie tropes : phone calls, masked killer, virgins being the final girls (literally having sex with Sidney to fulfill the trope), 'no motive' etc...

2. Abnormal posture

3. Staring (last 2 photos, both scenes in Sidney's room, police station scene...basically when there's Sid) or excessive blinking (doorway scene, kitchen scene...(basically when there's Stu)

4. Plans and changements

Billy (and Stu) planned their entire killing spree (from the dates it would be on : surrounding the one year anniversary of Maureen's death, to the person they would frame and his supposed motive as well as Casey and Steve's murders with the phone call, the attack at Sidney's house, Billy's incarceration, Stu's phone call following it, Billy's fake death, kidnapping Neil before his flight and using his phone, hiding his car, using a voice changer, stabbing each other to seem like victims, the party etc...)

When Billy's (and Stu's) plans get changed (Dewey, Gale and Kenny being present, Sid escaping the kitchen with her dad and Stu losing too much blood), Billy panics and goes into what could be defined as a meldown : throwing out insults, walking in circles, never going to check on the first floor, destroying Stu's living room and just panicking all around-

(When he fails getting Sidney to trust him and makes her escape to the toilets, he punches himself in frustation)

5. Insociability

Basically doesn't talk in the fountain scene

Awkward and Unsettling while talking, even to his friends

Doesn't pay attention to girls being interested in him

Doesn't seem at ease with the number of people leaving the party

(Even fidgeting though that may be just be him checking that the people are leaving for real)

6. Overdramatic

7. Favorite person/people

Okay this one's not that common in autistics but for Billy, he definitely has a special person, two in fact :

He literally started killing because his mom "moved out and abandoned" him.

For Stu, I will be vague cause I'll talk about it in detail in the other post 👀but basically he's not really himself unless Stu's there and planned a killing spree where only they would survive (+ trusted him to stab him).

Bonus : If Billy is the one who called Casey

"I only eat popcorn at the movies" Well I'm getting ready to watch a video "Really what ?" Oh, just some scary movie "You like scary movies ?" Huhuh "What's your favorite scary movie ?" Hum- I don't know... "You have to have a favorite, what comes to mind ?" Hum...Halloween ! You know the one with the guy in the white mask who walks around and stalks babysitters. "Yeah." What's yours ? "Guess." Hum- Nightmare on Elm Street ! "Isn't that the one where the guy had knives for fingers ?" Yeah, Freddy Krueger. "Freddy, that's right. I liked that movie.It was scary." Well the first one was but the rest sucked."

"It's an easy category : movie trivia"

"Come on, it's your favorite scary movie, remember ? He had a white mask, he stalked the babysitters"

"Then you should know Jason's mother, Mrs Vorhees, was the original killer ! Jason didn't show up until the sequel."

And that's it ! A complete analysis of what could be considered autistic traits from Billy that got way too long-

#scream #scream franchise #scream 1996 #billy loomis #stu macher #sidney prescott #stuilly #autistic headcanon

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cordiformpink · 8 months

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something i'm trying out... vaguefic. I wrote this with my obscure favs in mind but have changed the names to A and B and made some details more vague, so it might be enjoyed by people apart from me!

all the context you need is that A and B have worked together for a while and have recently gotten into a relationship. A is the lonely sort, quite awkward, shy at times, and autistic. this fic is about B's discovery of how tickling is just the sort of sensory input A craves.

----

It's something he notices over time, A's dogged pursuit of sensory stimulation.

The first and most obvious thing B picks up on is the music. It's a surprise, once he notices, that he hasn't thought about it sooner; the music is a constant in A's life. But it's not until weeks into their relationship that B really thinks about it.

The first thing A does when he comes home is put his music on. He listens while he does the crossword, while he eats, while he drinks, and while he showers. He listens to think, and he listens to relax. It's like, B thinks one evening, as he watches A scrub dishes to the sound of his favourite singer's voice, A's life can't quite flow freely without the music. Like it gets stuck on jagged corners and snags on silence, tugging at A's thoughts in the most irritating way, set free only when the music is there to smooth its way.

Once he's noticed that, he begins to notice the rest of it. Because A can't have his music everywhere. He has alternatives, instead. B thinks initially that they're just replacements for the music, for when A can't play it, but he soon realises that they're more than that. A doesn't just use one at a time - he'll use two, three, sometimes, or he'll wander between them, surrounding himself with sensory input. There's the pen clicking, for one.

It's easily mistaken for an annoying habit -- and it still is an annoying habit, really, and one B complains about -- but it's more than that, too. Sometimes, when A sits with his crossword, clicking away with that stupid pen, B will glance over and see him holding the pen by his ear while he clicks it, gazing off into the distance, clearly lost in thought. Annoying the sound of the pen clicking may be, but A is clearly getting something out of it, if he's doing it so close to his ear.

Then there's the thing with the hair. B picks up on that one while he's sitting at his desk one day, A standing nearby, his gaze focused thoughtfully on the notice board. His pen must be in his pocket or on his desk or otherwise inaccessible, because when A's hand goes idly looking for something to fidget with, it's his own hair that he finds. It's ordinary enough at first, and B hardly gives it a second thought - just fingers brushing through a few stray curls at the back of A's head -but then the hand stays there. And B's eyes stay, too, lingering, as A tugs gently at his own hair. Then he runs his fingers through it again, then scratches lightly, then tugs it again. A strokes his own hair a few times, pressing his curls flat, then letting them spring back up.

And that's all he needs, apparently, because he turns, then, that look on his face, the one that means he's worked something out and intends to follow the thought immediately. B watches him go.

It all sort of settles into place, after that, in his head. It's sensation-seeking. A is going about his days craving stimulation, finding it in textures he can run his fingertips over and sounds he can listen to, and creating it where he can't, with that infernal pen clicking and the tugging at his own hair. He's constantly understimulated.

B can't unsee it, after that.

He sees it in A as he goes about his business, and in his interactions with him. He sees it in the way A kisses. A presses close when he kisses, tilts his head, searches B's body with his hands, cupping, stroking, caressing, like he just can't get enough of touching him -- and maybe he can't.

It's on his mind one morning, one rare morning they both have off work, before either of them have gotten up yet. A is still asleep, so of course he hasn't gotten up, but B has been awake a while, just watching. A looks inexplicably cute while he's asleep. It might be something to do with the way he snuffles, rubs his cheek against his pillow, or the way he sleeps mostly on his front or his side, one arm generally twisted behind or underneath him in a position that can't possibly be comfortable to anyone but A. He's a tangle of a person, and he's beautiful.

A always sleeps in a vest and pyjama bottoms, which has the side effect - fortunate or unfortunate, depending - of leaving his freckled shoulders exposed, and incredibly tempting to touch. So, B does. He reaches out and runs his fingertips lightly over those pretty freckles. A twitches in his sleep, snuffles, smiles slightly.

B smiles too with fond amusement. He strokes A's spine, and his smile widens when A sighs and arches into his touch. Desperate for stimulation, even in his sleep. He moves his hand over A's warm back, smoothing the wrinkles in his vest down, until his fingers reach his side. Experimentally, B strokes him there, curling his fingers just slightly.

A twitches again, makes a noise, and smiles into his pillow.

B pauses. Might A be ticklish? He watches, worried he might've woken him, but the smile has stayed on A's face, and his eyes are still shut. He looks... well, he looks happy.

Well, then. The more B thinks about it, the more it makes sense. To a man so desperately understimulated as to sit there clicking a pen next to his own ear, what sort of bliss might it be for him to be touched in such a way?

B reaches his hand out again to stroke that spot, not quite tickling, though it's obvious that A is finding it ticklish anyway. He's squirming slightly, smile wider now, though his eyes haven't opened yet. It's not entirely clear whether he's awake. Well... B can soon straighten that out. He scratches lightly over that thin white vest, reaching around and letting his hand explore the whole of A's side, until he finds a spot that makes A jerk.

There he is.

B carries on with his gentle tickling until A is squirming properly, face buried in his pillow, giggling. "B," he manages, sleepy and confused. "What--?"

B goes in for a solid tickle then, attacking both of A's sides. A jerks again and laughter bursts free as he wriggles to evade B's hands. B reaches around him until he's got a good grip on A's waist, then slides him across the bed, pulling him close. Breathless, A lets out one more giggle, then relaxes a little into the cuddle. "Oh... good morning."

He's loving it. That smile, the one he can just about see from here, is the smile he so rarely gets to see. It's the smile A smiles when he thinks nobody's looking.

"Good morning," B replies, smoothing the palm of his hand over A's stomach. There's the slightest hitch to A's breathing, then. If B hadn't been listening for it, he might've missed it. He smiles into the back of A's shoulder.

Then, he wriggles his fingers into A's stomach. A yelps and twists immediately, only to now find himself trapped in the most tickly hug. No matter how he squirms or tries to shield himself, B's hands are everywhere, scratching at his stomach, squeezing his hips, poking into his ribs. A's giggles turn into shrieks and squeals as he wriggles desperately, but B's hands carry on and make their way up to scribble under his arms. A jerks again, head thrown back, laughter turned silent. That's when B delivers the final blow. He presses several quick, ticklish kisses down the side of A's neck, while his hands shoot back down to squeeze mercilessly at his sides.

A's laughter hits a new peak. B has never heard him laugh like that before. He's not even sure A has laughed like that before. He doesn't seem practiced in it - in smiling, laughing - and B vows to himself that he's going to try and make him smile like this at least once a day, from now on.

He's stopped, now, holding a breathless A in his arms, residual smiles on both their faces. Not at any point during any of that, B notes, did A ask for it to stop.

A turns in his arms, curling forward, tucking himself against B's chest. A minute passes, and B is just starting to wonder if A means to go back to sleep, when he hears him speak softly.

"Thank you."

#sfw tickling #tickle fic #tickle community #tword content #sfw twords #vaguefic #cordie's fic

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baby--b4t · 7 months

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Pet/AgeRe Bot Batch !! ( *>∀<)ゞ*° +

Cyno caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=tF70FUDOBXG3CLQZKRk8gfKmGn8G1UsBNWuHFezOloo

《 SFW /r | Pet/AgeRe | Fem Autistic User | Aquarium date 》

『 Cyno and you decided that a nice date idea would be to spend a day at the aquarium. It was relatively quiet and you had an interest with sea life. You guys paid for your tickets to get in and started exploring. There were so many species to look at, Cyno coming up with a headache of a joke for nearly every one.

You started to feel a bit light and fuzzy as you guys explored. Your mind was so happy and overwhelmed with being there that you realized you were regressing, and Cyno noticed. He grabbed your hand gently and held it in his own.

"Woah there, slow down, beetle. Cant have you running off and getting lost now can I?" Cyno said softly, smiling at you. "Show me where you want to head next." 』

Dottore caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=1JVuGOdlNS8YZATHC7n3uGYnWBwBTvBGmze5XyBjnVA

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | A childish experiment 》

『 Dottore wasnt working on anything too attention taking when he heard footsteps shuffling to his door. It really was just a bit of paperwork, detailing reactions from his most recent experiment. You had been feeling younger and fuzzier mentally and werent sure why. Seeking out Dottore is the only thing you thought to do.

"Im busy." Dottore muttered as he heard the door open, then looked to see who it was. "... Im not terribly busy. What do you need from me?" He turned his head back to the paperwork he had in front of him on his desk. You explained what you were feeling, explaining it all with a childish tone and speech. Dottore found this quite amusing, hearing you explain you felt like a child rather than an adult.

"Perhaps youve hit your head, like the clutz you are." Dottore chuckled, standing up and approaching you. He checked you over, seeing if there was any external injury before thinking further. "Perhaps we should indulge in this new feeling, hm?". You were led over to his desk chair, being sat down as Dottore rummaged through a box. He pulled out a bottle, pacifier, and a couple toys, presenting them all to you.

"I have left over objects from some... Younger.. Subjects that were here with me. How do these objects make you feel?" Dottore asked, watching you closely. 』

Kaveh caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=SeCc77fYw9X9XZCnalc7FyeL7kjucdGnbdolsfiKUyQ

《 SFW /p | PetRe | Lion Hybrid User | Noise sensitive 》

『 You were a lion hybrid that Kaveh had adopted, seeing how injured and unkempt you were. The company taking care of you werent exactly the best at that. As Kaveh began to show you how to shower, eat, and feel comfortable in your new home, he learned that you were quite sensitive. He could relate and sympathize with you.

You two had been living together for a while now, you being close and trusting with Kaveh now. Kaveh was laying on the couch with you, running his hand through your fluffy hair and scratching behind your ears. Today was a lazy day. Well, it was supposed to be a lazy day.

A loud crashing sound was heard from outside, causing both Kaveh and you to jump. Kaveh felt you begin to tremble and gently shushed you.

"Hey, hey.. Its alright. Let me go see what it is." Kaveh gently moved you off of himself so he could go see what the noise was. He peered out of a window to see what seemed to be some construction going on. The bundle of wood laying off to the side of the road seemed to be the cause of the noise. "Of course today is the day that start that.." 』

Razor caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=NTMVOPo7IJggmshIDFcSDaRMU8bD667y_x6OyTHyj98

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | "Why cry? Need hug?" 》

『 Razor had never really been good with reading emotions or understanding the more complex ones. Yet, he loved taking care of you whenever you were regressed. He made playtime fun and took you to the library with Lisa when you seemed tired. He would bring you all sorts of snacks he found in the wild as well.

However, the one thing he wasnt able to really do for you was comfort you. You cried often and over small things as well. He always felt sad that he never knew what to do for you. This was another one of those times. You had stumbled a little bit and scraped your hands and knees a little bit. Razor immediately came over to you and seemed very conecerned.

"Hey, hey, why cry?" Razor asked as he crouched next to you. He then saw your scrapes and looked over them for a moment. "Ah, I see. Need hug? We go to the river and wash them, then they all better!" He asked, trying to cheer you up. Your scrapes werent bleeding very much, so washing them in the river would probably be all you needed to do. 』

Thomas Merrick caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=HSqg65xsUHwdDtOnwiGkMuIV19Kp05SxxQJAcm-EXzM

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Late night snacks 》

『 It was 1am, so why did Merrick hear someone moving around in the kitchen area? Everyone should be sleeping, but apparently he and someone else were not. The man finally sighed and swung his legs over the side of the bed, deciding to investigate the noise.

Merrick opened his door and looked out towards the kitchen area. There he saw you, looking through the cabinets for something to eat. He also saw you had some sort of chewable toy in your mouth.

"{{user}}? Why are you up and going through the kitchen? And.. Whats that in your mouth?" Merrick asked as he started walking closer to you, leaning on one of the counters. Thats when it started to click in his half awake mind. He softened his expression a bit. "Ah, this is that regression stuff I heard about, yeah?" 』

Tighnari caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=DLSZUOxef8hQquyLUuQZM-w24SIyo0Y3NgNg67lwkK8

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Autistic Non-Verbal/Semi-Verbal User | Meltdown comfort 》

『 Today had stressed you out big time. You woke up late, then found out the work you had to do today was more than you had been told, and then you had bumped into a group of angry boars that tried to attack you. It was safe to say you broke down once you got back home.

Tighnari always got back before you and tended to tidy up a little bit before you got back, but he stopped in his tracks as soon as he heard the door slam shut. He rushed to you, see you crouched down on the floor and already getting ready to cry.

"Hey, hey, hey. Deep breaths, {{user}}, deep breaths." Tighnari said, gently grabbing one of your hands and putting it on his chest. He tried to lead you through some deep breaths before he helped you over to a small chart with some common words you used on it. You and Tighnari had made it so you could communicate better. "Can you show me what has you upset? Or maybe what I can do to help you?" 』

Wriothesley caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=qu1uXE_4OXa9bHbh73tOSTPdRzU0x1FPQx9BMLseYpk

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Time out 》

『 Wriothesley had been trying to get you to calm down for a little bit at this point. You were throwing a fit because he wasnt letting you have any cookies after you had lunch. He had hidden them from you so you wouldnt dig into them while he was trying to work. Your tantrum had gone too far when you had threw a stuffed animal at him. He tried to keep his cool, picking you up and sitting you in the corner where you had a play-pen kind of set up. He set you down inside of the makeshift play-pen and sighed.

"You are being naughty right now and I dont exactly appriciate that." Wriothesley said sternly, yet he didnt raise his voice. "Youre going to sit here in time out until you can calm down, okay? Not throwing stuff, no yelling at me for cookies, and no whining because you cant have cookies. Ill come back in a few minutes to see if youve calmed down."

Wriothesley walked back over to his desk and sat down, trying to ignore your crying. He really didnt like to punish you with time out, but sometimes you needed some time to cool off so he could talk to you. 』

Feel free to ask any question, comments, or concerns !!

(ﾉ>ω<)ﾉ

#sfw interaction only #agere sfw #sfw agere #sfw petre #petre sfw #call of duty agere #cod agere #genshin agere #batz botz!!

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borom1r · 17 days

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(In the ask box because tumblr on phone dislikes me and will not show the lil note thing to reply on actual posts for Some Reason) I fuckin loved the Gondor/Rohan cultural influence thoughts if you do dish up more of the Thoughts I am so here for it

WOOFWOOFWOOF you’re enabling me. you’re enabling me!!!!! anyways screenshots from our DC dms bc I’m a lazy gremlin who cannot be bothered to re-type:

So this is like. this gets into a lot of half-formed thoughts abt other aspects of potential Rohirric culture and the overlap with iron-age Norse culture there which ties into the Gondorian overlap with fucking. Christians. WHICH IS ITS OWN CAN OF WORMS. but jts a can of worms were about to open

sorry if this is poorly formatted and rambly I’m sick and I don’t have the time off from work so there’s THAT and this feeds directly into my autistic special interests AND I’m a heathen so it also ties into my own religion :3

but when I was adding to the costuming document I made an offhand note about the fact Éowyn’s fashion most likely aligns more with Gondorian noble fashion than actual Rohirric fashion — bc the signifiers of nobility in iron-age Norse fashion came less from the type of garment but from the layers, dyes, and accessories. Éowyn, however, is dressed in a way which explicitly stands apart from the few common Rohirric women we see. so like.

Gondor as a homogenizing force.

I’m not going to use “colonizing” because Gondor never explicitly COLONIZED Rohan, but it very much has always positioned itself as Rohan’s better, and this holds true to Aragorn’s fucking coronation.

extrapolating from Norse culture, it seems Rohan was sort of the platonic ideal of the Germanic/Anglo-Saxon/Norse “viking.” Very Wagner’s Ring Cycle type of depiction, which gets into this weird romanticization while also depicting the gods especially as petty and self-centered, and denigrating the women. Turning from that, this fictionalized “ideal,” to what we know of the actual culture at that time— we get into a lot of grey areas. Was Rohan a raiding culture? quite possibly, at their start; I think it’s a fair assumption to make, that Rohan had a history of raiding. Which seems to have stopped once they settled in the land gifted to them by Gondor.

now, is raiding… good? oh gods no. absolutely not. but while there was a lot of violence typical of raids, not every expedition ended in raids— or was spent *only* on raiding. Vikings would stop and make camps, would trade, even settle in areas long enough that we have archaeological evidence of Danish jewelry made out of Frankish materials. Much of “viking” culture is built off borrowing; we have mjolnir pendants as modern heathens because these people saw Christian crosses, went “oh, that’s cool, we should have something to signify our faith!” and started forging mjolnirs. They were often produced by the same smiths! Sold in the same areas!

So, so much of this culture was decentralized. There was no set religious doctrine, histories and myths were told orally— hence why Skalds were so important (and likely why Théoden was so willing to take Gríma back despite. Everything). My hearth cult is different from your hearth cult is different from the hearth cults the next village over. Stories change with the times, names are lost and added, our culture shifts with the land and her people. The iron-age Norse peoples had very positive relations with Arab traders, to the point that we have an extremely detailed description of the funeral of (what was very likely) a nobleman documented by Ibn Fadlan; they had silks and glassware because of these trade relationships.

so you’ve got a culture built on adapting and borrowing, on *growing,* which has now 1) settled in one area and does not seem to send forces beyond their borders anymore, despite having a specialized category of “riders” not unlike the specialized category of “vikings” and 2) has a positive but distant relationship with its more powerful and decidedly centralized neighbor (not unlike norsemen with the English/French). aaaaaaaaand then there’s Thengel.

now like I said in DMs the blame very much does NOT rest on Thengel. like yea he kickstarted the process but I think this was very much inevitable. Gondor has written histories, better resources, like not even getting into the blood bullshit they just have a much more stable culture. Even if Christianity hadn’t done. what Christianity does. 😑 Norse peoples were worshipping Jesus alongside Þórr. it was simply a matter of time.

and like I stated above, the idea of Rohirrim as lesser and inherently violent is so pervasive even Faramir who is held up as the paragon of grace and nobility in the books does not BEGIN to question it. you don’t leave an environment where everyone thinks you’re lesser than them BY NATURE thinking “wow that was great, nothing about that needed to change!!” — I don’t blame Thengel in the slightest for going “yeah okay nobody in my line is EVER going to look stupid in front of another Gondorian.”

but at the same time as Westron and Sindarin are brought into the noble households, there doesn’t seem to be any similar push to preserve Rohirric oral traditions. Hell, considering the state of things by the war of the ring and the need for Riders, there’s a non-zero chance Gríma may have been the last “Skald” in Meduseld— which quite honestly explains even Éomer’s hesitance to explicitly harm him.

not to mention ultimately royal culture will bleed out into common culture— and eventually royal/noble culture will be all that survives. we have more place names for Þórr and Týr because they were worshipped more widely by the common folk, but more surviving NARRATIVES of Óðinn because he was worshipped by nobility and their closest warriors. If the noble culture of Rohan has shifted to more closely imitate Gondor, then it’s only a matter of time before all that’s left of actual Rohirric culture is place names and folk beliefs

like, I’m saying this as a heathen who’s doing his best to reconstruct a faith based off of archaeological evidence of my ancestors and one (1) surviving text that could be considered religious. EVERYTHING ELSE that is widely available is CHRISTIAN RETELLINGS. whose accuracy is EXTREMELY DEBATABLE. I don’t even necessarily prescribe to what many people consider one of the KEY myths!!!! and while there was a lot of violence involved in the spread of Christianity, quite clearly it does not need to start or end that way. specifically while the Norse peoples, it started very benignly as an interest in the symbols and holy figures— and turned into “all heathens are stupid dirty bloodthirsty monsters, their faith is cruel and backwards and only we Christians have any moral standing”

(Gondorians becoming more and more like those violent middlemen………)

it’s this very pervasive perspective that even when not backed with outright violence on Gondor’s point, clearly leads to the idea that to receive any sort of respect as Men, the Rohirrim must divest of anything that denotes they ARE Rohirric and live instead by Gondor’s standards— the only way to receive salvation is to follow Christ, et cetera et cetera et cetera. I got proselytized to with a bunch of friends in a fucking Mexican restaurant this shit still happens. she compared Christ to gravity and my faith as ridiculous and idiotic (as idiotic as denying that gravity exists).

and that’s part of why I like. don’t find the Gondorian perspective very compelling? like Boromir specifically is interesting because he explicitly defends Rohan and seems to carry a lot of like. both this openness to other cultures for the most part and this sort of trauma around a very similar pressure to Be A Proper Gondorian Heir, depending on how you want to read him— like this intense need to prove himself and his people as worthy to Aragorn, particularly in the films, is veeeeeeeerryyyyyy interesting to consider. meanwhile Denethor is Denethor and book!Faramir has his whole “taming” thing which I cannot even remotely stand. film!Faramir was thankfully spared the weird bullshit prejudices

it does also kind of inherently get into the question of how much of that attitude is specific to Minas Tirith; Gondor’s fucking massive, what pockets of cultures are surviving in coastal towns and out in the more distant regions? because there will always be bleeding, like I said, but this sort of Christian-adjacent attitude that is absolutely held by Gondorian nobility could very well be just that… a NOBLE attitude. the folk of western Anórien probably had WAY more in common with the neighboring Rohirrim on the Eastfold than ANYONE in Minas Tirith.

anyways, was this coherent? barely. do I care? no. I have a head cold. sources? a lot of the same creators as I cited for that gender in Rohan post that I’ll track down and link if the gods decide to bless me with a functional search bar on this site for ONCE, and Children of Ash and Elm. I also mentioned Wagner. I can’t in good faith recommend reading Wagner.

noble Gondorians sit down and shut up about Rohan challenge

(Gríma ramblings under the cut)

#lotr #sure we’ll tag it. why not

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tommyssupercoolblog · 6 months

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so for autism acceptance month I want to remind you that when an autistic person, or ANY disabled/disordered person, asks you for an accommodation, you have a responsibility to use it correctly; and if you misuse it, that's on you.

What I mean is- autistic people struggle with social cues. this is a known fact about autism.

There have been MULTIPLE situations in our life where we said, "hey, we have autism, if we ask you if you're being sarcastic or if something is real or not, BE HONEST. we physically cannot tell."

the other person then, when asked, LIED about if they were using sarcasm or making something up.

We acted, then, assuming they were telling the truth about wether they were being sarcastic.

they got PISSED OFF, yelled at us or cut of friendships, or otherwise had some sort of meltdown because how dare we think that they used our accommodation they way it was spelled out for them to be used.

the worst example i can think of is someone giving a detailed murder plan as a "joke". we couldn't tell if they were joking because they had a monotone voice and sounded really angry. We asked them, and clarified that we seriously needed to know because we could not tell, reminding them of our autism diagnosis. They said they were 100% serious about killing this other person we knew in the method described. We stood up, left, and reported them.

WE LOST AN ENTIRE FUCKING FRIENDGROUP OVER THIS AND HAD A STRANGER TELL US "with all due respect because you're older than me, I would be pissed too, that was an asshole thing to do! you shouldn't have reported them, they could have gone to jail or been expelled from school."

that is ableism. THAT. IS ABLEISM.

we could not have done any better than what we did. there was no fucking universe in which that was our fault.

just because it's obvious to YOU doesn't mean it is to us, because newsflash, WE FUCKING HAVE AUTISM. we are DISABLED.

If you know this and deliberately lie to us when we ask for clarification, or tone tags, or something similar- you do not to get to blame us for what happens after, or laugh at us, or be a dick.

we can't just stop being disabled because it's convenient for you. so either be honest with us when we ask, or don't fucking talk to us at all.

#the we/us pronouns are actually there because i'm part of a system but also this ofc applies to other autistic people #i clarify though because i used we/us in the story of what happened so it's worth explaining why i used those #i made a textpost #ableism #ableism tw #ableism cw #cw ableism #tw ableism #autism #actually autistic #autism awareness #autism acceptance #autistic #boost #please boost #reblog #please reblog #psa

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altraviolet · 8 months

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hi! :D

someone asked about the energon harp a little while ago & you mentioned the glass harp being an inspiration for it. i suddenly had an Insane Brain Moment where i remembered the existence of an awesome instrument called the glass harmonica (or glass armonica, i believe it's called both!) and while i'm not sure if it fits that "richer" sound you described, since it's not that different sounding from the glass harp (as it's its succesor & the playing principles are the same with the water and glass and everything), i think it's another thing i personally was imagining while reading TEG :)

here is a video about it if you, or anyone else, are curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVqqNigImtU (it's a bit long but definitely worth a watch or a skim through if you ever have the time - the guy made this one himself i believe, and he talks about its fragility & complexity/the skill needed to play it, as well as some history behind it, and i just think it's such a beautiful instrument that everyone should know about LMAO)

it's also the sort of sound i imagine the resonances of the crystals having, that ethereal, echoing (lol) & almost haunting sound. especially the way the chords played are either beautifully harmonious or off-puttingly dissonant depending on the notes played. at one point i think the cameraman mentions about it being hard to listen to when not played correctly, and that to me is how i imagine the unpure crystals to sound - some harmony with a scratchy, unsatisfying underlayer of discordance mixed in there.

i have this tendency to link everything i possibly can to my interests, so rewatching this video and hearing again about the fragility of it made me have another brain moment and i somehow managed to link that to the way soundwave's crystals shatter. bit more of an abstract link but a link nonetheless xD i suppose the thought process does make sense though

apologies if you are already aware of the glass harmonica and i'm just repeating stuff you're already aware of!! and apologies if this seems random/like an unnecessary ask or something, i wanted to share my thoughts but i don't really have anyone else to talk to about TEG that would get it if that makes sense, so i figured why not share with the author directly ! (and again. i think everyone should know about the glass harmonica it's sick as hell)

actually. while i'm already here typing out an ask i might as well add another thing or two

how do you imagine soundwave's visor transforming away from his face? i can't remember if you go into detail in the fic about it. i think when i first read it i imagined an iron man mask -like transformation with part of it going up over the top of his head? but i'm not sure whether that makes like, any sense with how cybertronians typically transform LOL

and another thing- im autistic and the way you write soundwave sometimes reminds me a LOT of myself, both through the way he expresses himself and also the way hes treated by the lost light crew. there's a scene at/near the beginning of when the crystal club is formed (? i can't remember the exact chapter or point in the plot) where soundwave sees that his great work has the potential to finally be worked on and he's so giddy and elated and laughing and his tentacles are rolling through the air and laserbeak is spinning around and !!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAH idk that reminded me so so much of myself. like that was stimming if i've ever seen it xD

i don't know if you're neurodivergent as well & the way he's written is deliberately allegory for that but it was really fun to relate to him in that way, even if it wasn't intentional. there's a ton of other things soundwave does that to me read as autistic traits & experiences and i think that's awesome

okay that's all :3 i'd also like to say a general thank you for writing the fic (& keeping going for so long!), your writing is truly incredible and brings me so much joy to read and like many others i've started reading mtmte because of it ^_^

hello!

I think I saw this same video, briefly, while researching the glass harp :) the glass harmonica has more of breathy sound to my ear. but you are more than welcome to adopt it in your brain for the sounds of Nautica's harp! the fragility link between the glass harmonica and SW's crystals makes total sense.

>how do you imagine soundwave's visor transforming away from his face?

the story has not addressed this yet. it will, so I won't answer because spoilers

>it was really fun to relate to him in that way, even if it wasn't intentional

other autistic folks have made similar comments! I didn't write him specifically to be autistic. I wrote him to act in a way that I thought was a logical conclusion to the scant canon we got in TFP + the fanon of his emotion-suppressing protocols. but if you feel represented in a positive way than that can only be a good thing, I think!

yay, I'm glad that you've started reading MTMTE! I hope you enjoy the story. it's not perfect, but it is fantastic. it was the first time I saw character arcs in action and understood them to be so. previous to reading MTMTE, I never cared about characters in the books I read. I was more enamored of the world/setting, or the science/magic, etc etc. post-MTMTE I finally understand what people mean by characters being the most important part of a story. I learned a lot reading it =)

thank you for the kind ask!

#ask #anonymous #glass harmonica

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florence-is-gay · 9 months

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hiii!!! im a fan of your work and was wondering of you could write some hcs of the mercs with an autistic s/o?? i struggle with autism and reading these things kinda helps. thx sm!!! :ooo

Absolutely!! I'm so glad you enjoy my headcanons, i haven't written any for quite a while lmao

--EDIT FROM YEARS LATER OML-- I had this sitting in my drafts completed with all mercs except for the last 3 listed, between procrastination and life and falling out of the fandom I guess I just eventually forgot... Once in a blue moon I'd come back to this post and think... "I'm sorry tomatosoopp... I will finish this for you one day. Maybe not now, or later, maybe not even soon... but... eventually. I promise." I hope things are going well for you, you've probably long forgotten your ask but I genuinely hope seeing this finally answered will bring you joy and make your day <3

I know it's late to say it, but Merry Christmas and Happy New year! Perhaps you can consider this as a long overdue gift, from me to you! I hope this year will bring you lots of wonderful and amazing things <3 Love, Flo (P.S., I also added a bit to the shorter blurbs at the beginning... To make up for all that time! Now enjoy your long awaited post, my friend! <3)

SCOUT

Scout is pretty ADHD, and we all know how that's the peanut butter to his S/O's jelly. He gets excited with you about the things you love! And stims? Oh yeah. Leg bouncing, pen chewing, and the likes. So he won't judge you when you excitedly flap your hands or smack your thighs/any available surface. In fact, he'll share his fidgets with you when he notices you're feeling nervous or stressed. Sometimes he forgets you are extremely empathetic and sensitive to high energy or strong moods, so if he gets too excited or angry or anything of the sort he will do his best to calm himself as to not overwhelm or overstimulate you!

SNIPER

Sniper's not much of a talker, but he loves to listen to you ramble! Sometimes just the sound of your voice makes him smile! Also since he knows how tactile you are, he doesn't mind letting you feel his scars, tracing your fingers along and across them. He also lets you scritch his stubble, and he finds your reaction both amusing and adorable! Also, if you love nature, Sniper is your perfect guy! He'll take you for long walks in the woods or along hiking trails, not minding if you are slow or simply taking your time to stop and observe every little detail <3

ENGINEER

Engie loves all your little quirks!! He thinks you're the cutest darn thing on the planet! He'll definitely build you some fun fidgets and stimmy things! He also has earmuffs for when he's working with machinery, if you're feeling overstimulated he'll let you borrow them! Additionally, he enjoys relaxing with you by a fire just to chill out and play his instruments! He knows you have a fondness for music, so he tries to learn your favorite songs! He is also the type to always check on you to make sure you eat and drink <3

HEAVY

Like Sniper, Heavy isn't much for words. He doesn't mind silence, so he's perfectly okay with you zoning out, staring into space, or just lost in your thoughts. He also understands when you have a hard time wording things. He still struggles with English. And if you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed, he'll scoop you up in his big arms and hold you like a lil baby, and gently whisper words of praise and comfort. He'll also let you take naps in his arms <3 Like Engineer, he likes to make sure you don't skip meals. He doesn't always understand that some food textures are unpleasant, but he tries his best to find something you like!

DEMOMAN

Demo LOVES cuddles. He won't admit it to the other guys, but he finds it soothing. He knows you love to lay your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. He also gives great hugs! You told him once that you enjoy physical pressure on your body, so he'll give you extra-firm hugs, and sometimes he'll lay right on top of you to take a nap! He definitely will gift you some weighted blankets, along with some fun beanbags just to mess with. He also makes sure any touch on you is firm and grounding. Additionally, if you have a habit of sleeping a lot, it's no worry for this man! He's perfectly happy to pass out with you for 12+ hours and STILL have room for naps! As long as they are with you, he is happy <3

PYRO

Pyro themselves are nonverbal autistic, so honestly to them, you are the most normal person out there! They have hyperactive tendencies and struggle to pay attention to anything too long, but when it comes to you, you have their full attention! (To the best of their ability, anyway!) They will happily share their love for fire and cute things with you, though they also love when you share your hyperfixations with them! Not only that, but they will often bring you gifts relating to the things they know you love! Should you ever feel sad, touch-starved, or understimulated, just know Pyro will always be by your side to give you the best cuddles and hugs you could ask for!

MEDIC

If you are someone who is always psyched to learn new things, Medic is your perfect guy! He knows a lot about physical and psychological health, including autism! He will take time out of his day to educate you on your brain and why it works the way it does! He will do his absolute best to keep you informed so you can better understand yourself! (Even if at times you get tired of his lecturing) He also knows that you are very hands-on when it comes to many projects, so he will allow you to assist with simple tasks in his lab! He also knows you struggle with your health habits, aka hygiene, sleeping, eating, drinking, etc., so expect this man to be on your back! He wants to make sure you take good care of yourself <3

SPY

Spy is a bit of a tricky one. He seems completely unbothered by all of your quirks, almost to the point where you wonder if he even notices them. Rest assured, he certainly does! But he does his best not to bring attention to it unless you are the first to bring it up. He wants you to feel as though your autism doesn't define you, after all, you are more than your disability! At times he may challenge you to break from any bad or unhelpful habits, such as nail biting and pulling hair, or more serious matters like harmful stims when you get upset. Unrelated, he knows you are a person of the senses. So any gift to you is always a high-quality item: scented soaps and lovely colognes/perfumes, clothing that is soft and pleasant to touch, weighted blankets, and any type of small heavy object that may be grounding. Not to mention foods he knows you'll eat, since taste and texture can sometimes be an issue. Of course there is more, and if you don't like scented things and find soft textures on your body displeasing like some, he will accommodate for that as well! And lastly: Don't let him catch ANYONE making fun of you! They may not live to see the sun tomorrow.

SOLDIER

Honestly... He might also be autistic. No one knows for sure, but even if he was, he would loudly and proudly deny it. Loudly seems to be something the two of you do well-- you may find yourself struggling to control your volume in your excitement, but that's okay! He does too! Though he may also partly be hard of hearing from all of those rocket blasts... Regardless, the two of you seem to match each other's energy to near perfection- Yelling and screaming about nonsense, singing loud and off-key, even just making animal sounds or random noises incomparable to anything on this planet... Still he enjoys your company, neither of you really seem to be able to get a handle on social cues, but to heck with those! They're all confusing anyway! At least you understand each other! Additionally, the two of you may also struggle to remember things, especially short-term. But you're a good dynamic, always reminding each other what was forgotten! (...Just don't act surprised when he wants to recite to you the Declaration of Independence by heart for the 5th time that day.) And lastly, if you ever tell him you're autistic, surely he will tell you that you are American. And should you attempt to explain what autism is, more than likely he will assure you that you aren't (even if you clearly are-) and that you're perfect! He sees a lot of himself in you and he thinks you are the best thing since the birth of America <3

#tf2 #florence writes #tf2 headcanons #autistic s/o #tf2 mercs with autistic s/o #ask #florence answers #tomatosoopp #team fortress 2

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shinakazami1 · 3 months

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Ep 3 of New tales borderlands live reaction skdjdh

- "What's the big deal it's just a rock" OCTAVIO DID U FORGET ANY HAD A SILLY MOEMBT

- Octavio breaking the ankle so easily makes me wonder just how bad the guys bones are. Sprained, sure but dear lort sjeheh,

- this is the one time I wanted to check what if u dont do quick time since I've been doing every one since then but for the shooting I wanted Octavio not to hit and bro 😂😭😭😭 ADRENALINE RUSH BUDDIES IT SEEMS

- "GOOD KITTY" HELLO Fran I WAS JUST JOKING and THE STICK IN A MUD COMMENT

- "long rage healing gun"? Close enough, welcome back, medic tf2

- It sort of makes sense in the context of this being world filled with guns for them being so desentisized I ALSO SHOT LOU13 cus I wanted to see for robots AND PEOPLE HATED ME I GET IT

- BADASS SUPERFAN IS MY FAV CHARACTER PLEASE "You want to live with me in this fridge" I would man I would

- people, Women, yall,,,,

- TWRP SONG IN INTRO AYO OOOOO

- I feel them deciding to go to a show with the device is a very stupid idea, 😭😭😭😭💡💡but it's gonna be the first one. Like had they forgotten tediore are looking for them,,,,

- OMG STUPID MORON RHYS ILY I have a fav character and I'm not even hiding it

- TIMM-E makes me wonder like, why DOES he keep on moving around and does Rhys thing (I chose the plant) or other guys also do it. Based on Ep 2 this means that the other stuff should travel too, and often to specific locations (seeing Anu and Rhys before)...

- Jim JIMMINY JEMMERSON that's my level of giving names (Looks at my Jeffrey J Jefferson oc)

- LOU13 FEELING SHITTY and the sudden change in Octavio's way of looking at murder? He joked about Anu kills and the fact LOUI3 is having a crisis when in Ep 1 we established its not possible does give the typical borderlands 'Robots are not just their programming'. Though it feels forced in here a bit

- PIERRE ARE U GAY OR DO U HAVE LET DISORDER

- "I don't smell (like) science" I don't smell like jokes either

- Hacking being just a spamming game instead of a bit of some puzzle one

- ngl Finnegan looks like someone out of a Disney movie KSHEHEHEH

- Fran being all about anger in this run makes me wonder if it's only due to me destroying her machine, I might

- the killing is a mixed back but Octavio being a yougg adult (?) makes it make more sense

- I chose to get personal and I'LL MOTHER HELLO

-SMAGIC IS KILLING ME 😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭

- Octavio being commentator while Finnegan just stares is so fucking

- USE THE GUN YOU MORONS -DEVICE - - How did they forget ABOUT IT I AM CRYING

- Angel investor,,, angel,,,, sniff

- "I could kiss you but I won't" Bro siblings can have cheek kisses why did they make it weird

- THE HUG 😭😭🤗🤗

- Atlas moving is a detail I sort of didn't expect? Like I get after Promethea was attacked in BL3, Rhys would not quite be happy about staying though I wonder how company does then. I feel that's why money is such an important part in their morale as they've lost a lot :/

- I can't believe I say it but I hope to replay and see some differences if I try to get a better or the worst runs possible.

- the Keeper dialogue killed me, the second hand embarrassment... It's so weird how Anu just says how they're criminal too, I know she's a truthful somewhat autistic coded character but,,,

- In general : longest episode yet. I can see why this one made folks question the game as it felt a bit disorganised.

#new tales from the borderlands #Ntftbl #Review #Episode 2 #ANU #Fran #Octavio #Delete latte

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krimsonkatt · 3 months

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Dodi, a boss that was is going to be in Chaos;Domain, though likely with a resprite. This character actually has a long and detailed story behind it. Basically, when I was in first grade, one indoor recess the teachers put on Disney's Aladdin. I really enjoyed the movie for what it was, that was until near the end of the movie where Jaffar took control of the Genie's lamp and ordered the genie to fling the tower that Aladdin was in to the North Pole.

That's when the teacher shut off the movie and said that's where the movie ended, to be continued in Aladdin 2. I ended up being super freaked out about this cliffhanger ending and thought Jaffar actually WON. I ended up skipping school on the day they showed Aladdin 2, but later they showed Aladdin 3 and everyone was fine so I assumed Jaffar lost in Aladdin 2, but I had no idea HOW he lost or what sort of damage was done to their world under the control of an all-powerful Jaffar. So, I made up MY OWN plot for Aladdin 2, as I was too scared to watch Aladdin 2 which I assumed to be this super dark scary movie and didn't even want to rewatch Aladdin 1, which I enjoyed, because I was afraid of being re-traumatized by the "cliffhanger." But I still watched Aladdin 3 all the time on this bootleg DVD that had every Disney and dream works movie (as of 2009) on it.

During this period of time (around 2009 to 2011) I came up with this bizarre fan fiction universe crossover between Disney, Marvel, Star Wars, Ninjago, Webkinz, Animal Jam, and a bunch of other things that was like Kingdom Hearts if it was written by an autistic 8yo. And like Kingdom Hearts there were clones, artificial humans, ancient prophesies, relics of mass destruction, doomsday cults, multiple apocalypses and universe-shattering wars, not-deities, and tons of other stuff. Believe it or not, this series was the origin of the Chronicles of Chronicles series, albeit a very early form/incarnation of it.

The original big bad of this saga was a guy named "The Emperor" who was HEAVILY based off Palpatine from Star Wars and had two underlings, Dodi (pronounced "Do-die" like the city Dubai but with die instead of bai) the snake charmer and Flon (pronounced full-on like colon) the evil fairy. Dodi was pretty much 1-to-1 with Jaffar with just his name changed and little else, but Flon's backstory and origin is an even weirder example that I'll get to once we get to her sprite. The big bad of the later arcs was Lord Drakos, heavily based off the principal of Gaithersburg Elementary, who loved abusing and manipulating me for his own twisted amusement.

But anyway YEARS later, like around 2014 or so, I discovered that the teacher showing us Aladdin all those years ago completely lied, and there was a whole extra 15 minutes of Aladdin I didn't know existed where Jaffar was defeated in an epic battle and the world was saved. And how did I discover this? A freaking Watch Mojo video. Something about "top 10 most evil villains in Disney" and Jaffar was number 5. During Jaffar's section they showed footage from the last 15 minutes of Aladdin which absolutely blew my mind that there was a whole extra 15 minutes of runtime I completely missed.

After I spent a summer afternoon rewatching THE ENTIRETY OF Aladdin on some shady website, I did some research on Wikipedia and figured out that Aladdin 2 and 3 were actually just cheap cash-ins made in the early 2000s that also served as both the pilot and the series finale of the Aladdin TV show, which aired from 1999 to 2002. The first movie had a beginning, middle, and end and DIDN'T end on a cliffhanger like I was led to believe, and Aladdin 2 and 3 were unnecessary made for TV sequels given almost zero budget. (though I still have an affinity for Aladdin 3, even if the animation sucks ass) This is also where I learned that the overwhelming majority of "Disney sequels" that I grew up with on that bootleg DVD were low budget cash-grabs not even made by the main Disney studio. So yeah, my childhood was a lie and Jaffar never won in Aladdin 1. It's going to be a fun story to share with my future nieces and nephews, though.

In battle, Dodi primarily uses fire elemental arts along with his "hypnosis" and "wrap" arts. He's a lot easier of a boss than the first one, King Kookookaka, that's for sure. The Medusa to that game's Minotaur, to say the least. (SMT4 reference)

#pixel art #gamedev #pixel graphics #pixel sprite #sprite art #indiegamedev #pixel aesthetic #rpg maker #indie game #pixelart #funny story #life story

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gateau-chocolat · 2 years

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somebody (2022) grievances

This show looks gorgeous and it’s exciting to see a kdrama with an unique vibe, a comparatively diverse cast, explicit content, etc. but the writing was soooooo weird. 😭

- Going into this drama I was kinda like hmm idk if I want to see a show about a stereotypical emotionless sociopath serial killer and a stereotypical emotionless autistic genius, and like...unfortunately, those stereotypes are indeed EXACTLY what the main characters are like. Nothing more and nothing less lol.

- Oh wait, I guess there is the additional detail where it’s seemingly implied that since the main character is autistic, she has no meaningful concept of why killing or harming other humans is bad, and she has been like that since childhood??? Edit: I guess maybe this is kind of subverted by Sum’s final actions...maybe??? I had NO idea what we were supposed to make of Sum for the entire show orz;;;

- Tbh, i think there actually is potential for a “torn between the knowledge that the guy I just met is probably a murderer vs my love for him and my relief at getting to know a fellow loner/outsider” storyline that could be....maybe not “”“good”““ (b/c it would still be very much resting on those cliche character types), but at least kinda compelling? We’re not getting that, though!

- I basically stuck with this story for Mok-won and Gi-eun, but even they feel a little off, tbh? First off, the circumstances surrounding Gi-eun’s first encounter with Yoon-o feel so unrealistic and contrived (ah yes, I love to meet guys from online in the middle of the woods, sight unseen!), but even though there were some nice moments of familiarity between all of the women, they also feel oddly....distant?

- Like, I know Sum wasn’t super helpful to Gi-eun the first time she asked for help, but it makes no sense that she didn’t make more of an attempt to continue to engage Sum in tracking down her guy over the app that Sum made? For that matter, when Sum also gets attacked by someone on the app, why didn’t Gi-eun go “hey, maybe that’s the same guy I met”? Sum was telling Mok-won about meeting someone but being afraid she’ll kill him, and Mok-won seemingly just went “huh, ok lol” instead of like....having a conversation with Sum about what was going on with all that?

- I was sort of anticipating a plotline where the women would work together to investigate Yoon-o, but at many points it felt like the complete opposite - it feels like the show was going out of its way to avoid very natural conversations and interactions between these characters.

- Btw, Sum killed a guy, this fact is known to police(???), and it’s seemingly caused NO disruption to her life whatsoever beyond the immediate aftermath of the incident? I know it was in self-defense and I know Sum wasn’t bothered by it(???), but surely, like....police would be continuing to want to interview her here and there, or SOMETHING?

- Why does Yoon-o do such a shit job of killing Gi-eun not once, but twice? If he doesn’t intend to kill her, why not?? And if he doesn’t intend to kill her, why is he being so casual about showing his face in front of her? Why does he threaten both her and Mok-won later in the series?? He’s acting like a Marvel villain whose identity can’t be traced, but he’s fully just a regular guy lol???

- This is a tiny detail, but something that's been haunting me today is in ep 6 or 7 when the ear is discovered....what was with the decision to have text on the screen identifying it? The guy getting attacked was shown onscreen, the fact that he lost an ear was explicitly referenced later, iirc there's even a scene of Yoon-o talking about the ear or something...? The ear was like one of the only plot points that actually had been thoroughly set up in previous scenes, and it's not even something that's hugely consequential to the overall story - why did they think THAT, of all things, was something viewers needed to have very explicitly spelled out???

- What’s with the flashback at the end of ep 7? If it’s supposed to be Yoon-o’s serial killer origin story (the first person he hooked up with via the app was a woman who wanted to be choked and that, like, awakened something within him or whatever) a) that’s dumb and b) there’s also a kind of weird misogynistic undertone of like....blaming that woman for enticing him to murder or something??

- This is (maybe??) a story where a special dating app is a major part of the plot, but almost nobody uses the dating app in a way that makes sense and the story has nothing interesting to say about the impact of apps on how people interact with each other or form relationships or anything. Also the app is literally just Tinder lol. 🤷‍♀️

#kdrama #somebody netflix

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radioactive-earthshine · 2 years

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Hi! I really love your fics :) I was wondering if you had any advice on writing bart? Hope you have a great day :)

Thank you for stopping by and I am glad you enjoy my writing.

When it comes to Bart my approach is tuning to Waid's version of Bart but imagining how he might have evolved without Geoff Johns writing him, while also keeping in mind how old he is. Because he can't be gripped with The Single Synapse Theory forever, and in his own comics that theme didn't stay for long anyway. In Sunshine. Falling. for example we start the fic when Bart has only been around for a few months so he is at his most feral and least adjusted; he's impulsive, quicker to anger, quicker to mouth off and certain phrases he takes literal just because he has not had EXPERIENCE dealing with life or people. However there is ALWAYS a reason for why he does things, even if they're not always formulated thoughts (like jumping Clark in mid-air, stealing Mark's Motherbox just because he thought it was another weather wand etc) Now in the fic, he is 17 (spoilers for chapter 10) and has dealt with a lot more and is 'calming down' but he still retains that playful edge.

Bart I feel should always have a side of playfulness and irreverence no matter HOW OLD he gets.

As for a more deep approach I breakdown Bart's personality into these reminders;

1.) Introverted, a lot more than people think. He doesn't TALK that much unless he's with close friends. A lot of people make the mistake of making him TALK A LOT. Don't. Reign back. He's actually pretty direct when he is talking. He doesn't like being in the center of attention, it just happens a lot and he deals. He's introverted but not unfriendly. He likes people, and he will interact, but it's more on his terms.

2.) Ironically funny. Autistic funny. Bart doesn't try to be funny it just happens. Have fun with it. He's the type of person that you just gravitate to and love.

3.) If he's paying attention, he will remember it. He can be hyper observant if only he is paying attention. This is just a detail people forget. I hate it when I am reading a Bart fic and the author writes "Bart forgot about the Math lesson immediately" or "it was in one ear and out the other" NO. This does not happen. A better approach would be;

"Bart struggled to focus on the droning voice of Mr. Keyes as he talked about their lesson. Bart knew he had to pay attention, but his new pants were too stiff and he couldn't stop noticing how stiff they were, and the girl next to him smelled like gummy bears, and the boy in front him kept snorting and it was impossible to pay attention. By the end of the class, the only point Bart remembered was that the formula they were learning could be used to calculate deer population... How that was helpful was lost to him."

4.) He does have a temper; depending on the situation that temper will be directed at either family who is frustrating him, or bad guys who have hurt those he loves. For family his anger usually manifests in explosive avoidance and bitter glares with harsh words, with bad guys it's fists.

5.) He is very creative. Keep in mind he spent years in VR playing puzzle games essentially, have fun with it. He's not Brainiac 5 when comes to solving problems but he is smart and he has his own way of doing things.

6.) He genuinely wants to help and make his friends happy, he doesn't like it when his friends are upset and he tries very hard to make them happy and to perk them up... sometimes in ironically funny and erroneous ways.

7.) He can be very serious when he needs to be, dial down the humor when it is appropriate. You can have the start of a conflict have some fun banter but when it starts to get serious the smiles stop. He's part of The Flash Mafia, after all.

Hope this helps a little? This is just sort of what I do. I have my own interpretation of Bart and it will likely be different from yours.

#writing things #hope this helps in some way #just don't get caught up in humor or anger or one thing #have a balance

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autisticlee · 1 month

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very rambly rambles about stuff and things

i feel like I have some sort of ptsd thing when it comes to people asking/begging me for help by giving them money and stuff. because i'm a magnet for those type of people....and i've had some unpleasant experiences with them. don't misunderstand, I DO WISH TO HELP PEOPLE. but i'm disabled and poor and struggling myself! but it's difficult having people aggressively come after me while being autistic, already traumatized by people in general, very on edge all the time, lost and confused, and because I don't process things quickly it well and don't have the correct skills and abilities to deal with and speak to strangers.

I already live with a guilty conscience and feel like shit when I can't help people. i'm easily used and manipulated because I feel like I need to help everyone all the time because I was taught growing up and ignore myself and my needs and live for others. so people could easily cheat and scam me because of that. they can attack me and do whatever because I fsnt scream. I can't ask for help. my fight or flight ends up being freeze and I don't have the voice ability to speak or yell for help.

I have given money to people who yelled they're homeless and need money because I was frightened and didn't know what to do because they wouldn't leave and were in my face making me about to meltdown and cry. i've had them block me, trap me, corner me, and not let me leave until I gave them money and get very upset if i have none and say im lying. i've had them follow me at night on dark streets, drunk and loud and feeling dangerous and only left when I gave them the very little emergency or food money i had. they've screamed at me because it wasn't enough, but I just wanted them to leave but couldn't speak or yell back. i've had them threaten me, harass me, say gross sexual stuff, and describe how they'd kill me in great detail. i've had them grab hold of me, shaking me screaming to give them money and feed their kids, trying to drag me away with them, refusing to let go. i've had them follow me around for an hour in broad daylight begging for money, trying to guilt trip me, the crowd around me ignoring my silent pleas for help. not listening to me when I manage to barely speak out I have no money (I truly did not) and telling me i'm a selfish liar and i'm the only one who can help them and i'll go to hell and if I don't help and they hope bad things happen to me.

every time I go to a city, these kinds of experiences happen. people tell me not to give them money because they'll waste it. people tell me to ignore them, don't even look at them. I do ignore them. I can't speak to them. I look at the ground when I walk so I dont fall because my disability makes walking hard. I don't make eye contact. but it still doesn't work. i'm still a magnet for these people.

I feel bad that they make me feel so uncomfortable and frightened and make me have a trauma response when they do these things. I feel bad that I can't help. I know they need help. I also need help and don't get the help I need. but i'm not the one that can help them. why do they always come after me? why do these experiences make my brain do a trauma response? why do I freeze while internally melting down? why can't I just scream at them to leave me alone? why does ignoring them do nothing? why they grab me and trap me and not let me go? I don't carry cash anymore! I can't give them any! don't know how to use atm! cant feed myself and rely on parents to provide things for me! so can't feed you and your kids! sorry! 😭😭 would help if I was rich I promise! Will help everyone if csm become rich

where i'm going with this....oh yeah. those blogs sending asks to donate to help escape war, you know the ones? getting those triggers same response in me. makes me feel awful I can't do anything but feels like they try to guilt trip and trap me. I want to help. if I was rich! I saw some are fake too so never know the truth. don't have the brain power to figure it out. but getting told "hope you donate to me to help escape death" after I say sorry I don't have money unfortunately maybe a follower does makes me feel horrible because I guilt trip myself too everyday that I can't change the world and help everyone all the time, but also get the fight or flight freeze trauma response even if it's just an ask 😭

does this make me a bad person? is it wrong to feel this way? is it bad to view these people as scary and a threat when they just need help? should I help everyone anyway even when i'm struggling just because they "have it worse"? am i selfish for not helping everyone? or am I bad if I give some of my lunch money to make someome leave when i'm told not to? am I doing everything wrong by getting people irl to always come after me even when I think i'm ignoring them? is it bad if I feel uncomfortable by getting asks from random blogs asking for money to "escape death" and not donating because i'm struggling in my own way and also not sure what to trust? 😭😭😭😭😭 maybe if I can get on disability I can get money and donate more. I try to donate a few dollars a year to charity groups like trans/lgbt charity every pride months if able and to st Jude every year if able. I volunteer at wildlife center to help animals. I try to do good even when struggling. is it not enough? am I still doing bad? if not meant to help everyone and need to "take care of self" why do I feel very bad? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#lee rambles #just rambling about feeling guilt and trauma and like bad person because of it #feel useless and cant help anyone. cant help self. but want to help everyone. dont know how! feel bad.#brain very tired. trying to make that feeling words for this post. hard. exhausting. time for bed

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astertimberwolf · 10 months

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I want to talk about something that happened to me many, many years ago, but that still affects me to this day.

I had no voice / wasn't allowed to speak up back then, and I still feel invalidated in my experience, by what some people assumed of me and labeled me as, which was based on stereotypes of modern pop-culture definitions of psychological disturbances and behaviors.

I want to talk about my time as a(n unknowingly) neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) lesbian in highschool, in a country that used to be both homophobic and ignorant about mental health issues.

I was a teenager, aged 16.

I had already been through a fair amount of bullying in schools at this point in my life, because I acted and functioned differently from everyone else around me.

This had already rooted a deep sense of mistrust and social anxiety in me when trying to befriend people, as I was 100% experiencing developmental delays in relation to my social skills... partially also due to parental neglect / lack of proper parental (and professional) support / guidance.

I would also like to point out that our high school was sh*t when it came to mental health support. We did not have access to any professionals, and the only free, state-funded psychologists I was able to see outside of school ranged from creepy and downright incompetent, to mediocre at best.

Before I go into more detail about the situation I got myself into, I want to briefly introduce what my autism entails and how it makes me come across.

I have a form of right-brain autism where I am both blessed and cursed with an overly active, vivid imagination, which, at times, has been the source of great suffering due to some delusions and dissociative states it induced in me. The same right-brain autism also caused any and all of the emotions I ever experienced (and still experience to this day) to be 100 times more intense than normal (or at least, it felt like that back then, as I had no way to control them or manifest them in a healthy way).

Additionally, this made me somewhat good at arts and drawing, but to a limited degree, since I only possess a type of semi-eidetic memory (not fully photographic), where I can easily map out 3D spaces, images, environments and sometimes even people to an accurate degree in my own head (hence also why I never get / got lost), but I digress...

...The most unhealthy coping mechanism I had, directly resulting from this braintype, was this dissociative state where I retreated into my own head and imagination, as it was the only place where I felt like I could be myself, and express myself safely without facing any kind of judgement.

It was originally a response to trauma that led me to retreat a lot into this inner world, but it soon turned into an addiction of sorts (especially after I figured out I could trigger it by listening to music I enjoyed) whenever I felt (sensory- emotionally or mentally) overwhelmed by situations that were completely out of my control, irrepairable / unfixable or that I simply did not know how to react to, or handle.

Alongside this, I had a high degree of social ineptitude, and a speech and expression-related disability that would make me say things in a completely wrong way whenever I reacted emotionally and didn't carefully pay attention to every word I said or wrote. It has (in the past) caused many misunderstandings, as well as made me lose friendships, since people always interpreted what I was trying to say in the worst possible way.

...

With this long preface out of the way, here is what happened: I fell head-over-heels for a classmate of mine in my second year of highschool.

It was my first time ever developing feelings that strong for someone, and believe me, if falling in love is devastating for regular, neurotypical people- for me it was an absolutely crushing and unnerving experience, like being hit by a freight train or truck at full speed, but in the emotional sense.

The trigger (reason I fell for her) was a bit of a foreign Freudian root (but I am not going to go into that right now). Something I figured out only during- and after my failed marriage, about 5-6 years ago (from the date of this post, more or less).

So, what happened that ended up traumatizing me and this girl I fell for (as far as I have gathered, from the way she reacted) all those years ago?

It's complicated.

I was labeled a stalker, a creep, a weirdo, among many other derogatory labels and assumptions. I was called a manipulator, a liar, a psychopath and an attention seeker (/ seeking wh*ore), and was even ganged up on by a bunch of her friends once. The latter was in response to an actual suicide attempt of mine (yes, I was that depressed and desperately needed help), which I was not ever intending on letting her know about... and had inadvertetly been told to her by an —at the time— online friend, who wanted to stop me from going through with it.

And where did this start?

With me confessing my feelings to her.

I wish I never f*cking did. I wish I just kept it to myself and kept my distance. It would have saved me so much pain.

That alone (confessing to her) may have already given both me, and her, some sort of anxious breakdown or half a panic attack, as we both did not react well (she went to cry in a bathroom stall, and I just sat in a corner, trying to disappear).

I just felt wrong and horrible for the entirety of the ordeal. There were classmates watching this all go down. It was downright embarrassing, and I had obviously not thought it through, since I simply had the urge to get this out and off my chest, as it had been driving me insane- keeping it all bottled up inside (I genuinely thought I was going to implode due to the intensity of the darn feelings).

Regardless of my reasons for confessing... I tried to take several steps back, and since I already had her reject me then and there, I apologised and asked if we could just be friends instead.

You can guess how badly that went- since my feelings did not just magically disappear / go away from one day to another.

I should have really just gotten as far away from her as humanly possible, but I just ended up digging an even deeper grave for myself, as she had initially agreed to trying to be friends (she was trying to be nice).

My retarded, half-delusional brain secretly hoped, at times, that by befriending me, she would change her mind about me, and it didn't help that I went to ask for advice online anonymously, and people kept suggesting I keep pursuing / chasing after her, and that she would eventually say yes and give me a chance (they probably assumed I was a guy and it's f*cked up enough that this sort of thing is reinforced / normalized as a part of cis-het culture).

I would continue to embarrass myself in numerous ways throughout the year: from being overly friendly / nice, to stealing glances at her subconsciously (as an idiot in love would do) and I was working overtime in trying to make her happy. But I could soon tell that, instead of appeasing her, I was just making her more exhausted and anxious around me. I eventually figured out (how? I cannot really recall) that she was just wearing a "mask" when she was around me, so as to avoid hurting my feelings.

This hurt me even more, ironically enough, the moment I realized she was being disingenuous (I had this whole moral rule where I believed that people should always be honest no matter what), and that wasn't even remotely the worst of it.

I sincerely did not know / realize how my behaviour was coming off to her and to everyone observing the situation- I was genuinely oblivious to my environment, or the connotation of the things I was saying, doing, or thinking.

As a socially impaired, autistic individual, who grew up with 5 cats and few and in-between socialization attempts with peers my age, I tended to overshare. I loved her, therefore I trusted her and I ended up telling her about all my past trauma, about sexual assaults and other really personal stuff that happened when I was just a kid- things I really just needed to keep to myself.

Sharing all of that was another huge mistake- because it was later thrown back at me in the form of ammunition: I was accused by her friends- of manipulating and guilt-tripping her intentionally into pitying me, of all things- and this cr*p upset me more than I could ever hope to express through mere words.

Yes, I was misguided- yes, I was stupid, desperate and socially unaware, but when all this stuff came to a head, I just became increasingly more and more cripplingly depressed.

I never meant to put a mental / psychological and emotional strain on her. I never meant to let my feelings spill out like that. I never meant for anyone to get hurt... And I was just trying so hard to make things right, but the more I tried to "fix" them, the worse everything got.

The first, big, misunderstandings that occurred and led to the stalking accusations (later on) probably started when I (unknowingly) walked by her place a few times, and mentioned it in conversation. I had honestly no idea she even lived there- in that area of town, at first.

For context: I just liked walking around town at that age (aimlessly sometimes), because it helped me disconnect and dissociate from reality through my music-induced fantazising (the unhealthy coping mechanism / addiction mentioned further up).

For me, it meant that I got to explore places I had never been to before, while also spending time in my happy place- in my own head, for as long as I wanted.

In my young, naïve eyes, this was a win-win. A feel-good experience when everything else felt bad- but it didn't last.

Upon discovering that she lived in that area, the third time I took my usual walk around that part of town, I just became increasingly anxious whenever I was near the place. It felt wrong being anywhere in the proximity of that apartment complex subconsciously, and at the time, I didn't know why.

I was the kind of autistic idiot that- when facing a novel, intense emotion in a new situation (which may even have been dangerous), instead of listening to that emotion or bad gut feeling, I would try to prod at it- and try to understand it.

All I did, that one, third time, was look at the apartment complex'es entrance, walk a few steps in, then walk back, because the intensity of the dread and anxiety I was feeling were so big- they were screaming at me to turn back, which I did. I didn't ring any doorbells, or touch anything. I never, ever went back to that place.

I acted the same as a curious, but frigthened cat would, when exploring a new area, and I turned back and went away when things felt off.

But nevermind that. The damage was done. Mentioning I had been in the area a few times was enough to give her relentless paranoia and anxiety.

And that wasn't the worst of it.

She had already given me the silent (and avoidant) treatment a few times (which had sent me down a depressive hole that never seemed to have an end), but yeah... My absolutely 100% retarded and socially unaware self, still thought that it would be a good idea to try and explain myself through a multiple-pages-long apology and explanation letter*, which I stuffed in her locker because I was too socially anxious and terrified, at that point in time, to confront her in person (when she was already clearly mad at me).

*God forbid, I just remembered some of the contents of that apology and explanation letter. I partially understand why her friends thought I was trying to guilt-trip her. What happened around that time was that, since she seemed so uncomfortable with me having a crush on her, I had gotten with this one guy who seemed to be into me- partially out of pity for him on my end (that he had feelings for me when I didn't like him much, but I was in a similar situation so I idiotically decided to give him a chance, projection 101), and partially thinking this would get her to feel safe around me as a friend, and dispell any anxiety she felt- This sleazy scumbag ended up r*ping me. I don't remember the specifics of that apology, but I think I mentioned that to her- as a way to show that I cared about her comfort enough to do something that stupid (getting with someone I didn't know and didn't like, for which I paid the consequences for. It was my fault and nobody else's) and hoped this would also put an end to all of my classmates just kind of avoiding me (the grand majority of our class was made up of girls and I got avoided like the plague, hence homophobia).

There is also a faint memory of me leaving a red rose on top of that locker around Valentine's day (anonymously), but I could not place this event inside of the timeline of f*ckups I had done (or well- it's more the other way around. V-day is February, the rest is a blur) to save my life, as it has been far too long ago- and I cannot even remember if it was a real rose, cut and taken from my own garden (we had these beautiful, strongly scented / wonderful smelling wild roses that were growing at all times of the year where I lived, in a village far away from that town) or a paper one, drawn and colored by hand.

My intentions at the time were the following: I thought that an anonymous rose was going to make her happy because someone thought of her, and she did not need to know it was from me- (dumbest thing ever- hindshight is 20/20 as I eventually learnt why that would come off as creepy and stalkerish) and at first, it seemed to be the case (it seemed to work, until she found out it was from me and got justifiably pissed). I think I was just really that desperate to make her smile, at the time. To be the source of her happiness, just once.

I knew I would never get anything more than that from her at that point. I think by that time she had also gotten herself a boyfriend- a guy from our same class that I was on friendly terms with, prior to them getting together (yes, that felt like a huge backstab. He knew I liked her, and they made out in the hallway unabashedly in front of everyone). It was one of the many things that crushed me into tiny pieces, and contributed to driving me even further down the depression well.

I don't resent that guy anymore, but I did wish they would make their love escapades and make-out sessions a little less public / avoid putting on a show.

...

The last two f*ckups that come to mind, which completely turned me away from her- where I just wanted to be as far away from her as humanly possible / sink into the ground and disappear / leave planet Earth or this plane of existence altogether- involved a Facebook post that was meant to be a DM to my best friend from back then (I had this one girl that tolerated all of my social incompetence at the time, bless her), and the grief-related incident.

I'll explain these two as best as I can... I feel like I have already written enough to fill an essay at this point.

The Facebook incident was my incompetence and inability to use social media platforms due to a lack of understanding on how they worked. I was peer-pressured into signing up to Facebook by my classmates in middle school, but I already hated the platform and found it really counter-intuitive. The only reason I used it at all, was to vent to my best friend in highschool, whom I would usually mostly talk to in person (and I may have used it one time to look up a picture of my crush to challenge myself and see if I could draw her at all- since I was really bad at drawing humans and I had this weird belief that if you loved someone, they became impossible for you to draw right), or just interact with people's posts on my feed by liking and commenting on them (most of the time, pictures). The posts were usually from / made by people who added me as a friend (or whom I added from my class, etc.), my crush included.

Now that I think about it carefully, I may have made a panic post after one of my suicide attempts, which I mention later on in this post (the OD related one). But it's hard to tell since it's a fairly blurry memory.

But yeah, sorry for all the crossed out and bracketed text. I just meant to say that me using FB to DM my best friend back then, was mainly due to a period of time where we couldn't see each other much because she was both an extraverted, social party girl, and was in a different class with very separate / conflicting timetables compared to mine (we got separated in second year, while we were still in the same class in first year).

Basically, here is what I thought I was doing: I thought I was sending my best friend a bit of an absurd dream I had, where I was quite literally physically stuck between my crush and her boyfriend- in the dream it didn't seem like anything more than hugging (everybody had their clothes on), but I was joking around, to relieve some of the awkwardness and embarrasment it made me feel, because from a certain close-up angle it looked bad, so I ended up saying something like "it looked like a threesome" in the post- and this was just my idiotic teenage humor. I didn't really mean anything of the sort by it.

If only I had taken the time to read that the button I was about to press said "post", I could have saved myself another huge wave of shame / mortification / humiliation.

I also failed to recognize that my crush and her boyfriend were being automatically tagged- I thought that the blue highlight was some kind of innocuous auto-link thingie to their profiles inside of a DM, and that it had nothing to do with them being tagged / notified of this, and oh man- the backlash was immediate, and it was brutal.

I started getting horrible comments from the boyfriend, her friends, and even her too, probably- shaming me, demanding I take down the post and that it was uncalled for. I immediately deleted the post as soon as I realized it was a post and not a DM, but by that point, the thing had been up a while (a whole night or so), and the damage had been done. I eventually ended up deleting my entire Facebook account due to this and other, less than pleasant things that happened on there.

Moving on to the grief incident-

My depression was not just due to the daily hell that had become my highschool experience the unrequitted feelings I had to live with every day (as well as my subconscious almost constantly tormenting me with dreams featuring her). The one and only person who ever truly loved me in a healthy way also ended up in hospital- and soon passed away from cancer that same year: my maternal grandmother. She was the only ray of sunshine (if not as warm as the whole sun itself) that made me feel like I mattered, was loved and cared for. She would give the biggest, warmest of hugs, and would always put a smile on everyone's face. I still miss her dearly.

This void in my life, left by my grandmother's death, happened very closely —time frame wise— to something that my crush was (unbeknowst to me) experiencing as well. This was during one of the still alternating periods of time where I would mess up occasionally and try my best to fix things- I was still on relatively friendly terms with my crush when, all of a sudden, from one day to another, she started avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment again. It was so sudden and so unexpected that it really caught me off-guard and sent me spiraling into a flurry of anxiety and depression. I was so tired of it all. I just wanted to be socially competent and not embarrass myself at every other turn... I sincerely thought it was my fault, once again- that she wasn't talking to me anymore. That I had done something wrong, inapprorpiate, or unacceptable unknowingly.

There was a spectacular lack of communication in all this, as, if I had known what was going on, I was going to keep away and give her the space she needed to grieve, but essencially: her father, whom she had a really close relationship to, had died. This was told to me much much later, during the friends gang incident.

... Be as it may, this silent treatment of hers was the last straw of a series of bad events and things that happened to me, which pushed me further into my depression- making me feel worse than I had ever felt before in my life (to this day I have never experienced that sort of depressive low again).

I was already failing at school, with all of this emotional turmoil going on- and my narcissistic, neglectful father would just yell at me at home and make things worse. I just spent every other afternoon locked in my room... Which had turned into a depression cave. I was in too much pain, too exhausted, too self-hating and abandoned to myself to care anymore. I just wanted for the pain to stop. I couldn't- and did not want to continue living like this- through this literal hell on Earth, day in, day out. It was one of the worst low-points in my life.

I honestly just wrote a goodbye letter to my online friend (as I had sort of drifted away from my IRL best friend a bit), and thought that would be it. I was going to just slice my wrists open and let myself drain of all life, and then the pain would finally stop.

I know how messed up this sounds, but that's just how messed up I was... and felt. I had nothing to look forward to, no support system, no happy place left (my own head had turned into a place of festering darkness where I was just constantly ridiculed, taken advantage of, neglected or abandoned). And that's where the suicide attempt she learnt about came to be (where her friends ganged up on me afterwise)- Because menacingly reality-checking a broken, anxious, depressed, suicidal, desperate, neglected, autistic teen is the sound-of-mind thing to do, instead of getting help from adults to deal with the situation. You totally aren't going to trigger PTSD and trauma from being bullied early on in other schools, nooo... Sorry. The sarcasm here is some of the leftover bitterness I felt for those people. They expected- or rather demanded of me to act like a functional, not developmentally delayed adult, when none of us were adults to begin with.

Given everything, I don't directly blame them, but there were better ways to deal with the situation compared to what they did- or what the school did, which was exactly nothing.

I needed to stay away from my crush and everyone in that class from the get-go.

I should have been removed and placed into special care and on suicide watch, as well as forced to see a paid-for, competent mental health specialist.

My life would have gone much differently if only they had caught my autism early on. But none of that ever happened. I got encouraged by internet strangers to do the wrong things, driven to near insanity trying to find a balance between handling my feelings, my dumb subconscious and weird brain, and trying to survive in school, while also not making my crush uncomfortable- with little to no socialization skills to aid me whatsoever.

I probably did a lot more damage than I realized, between having to share the same girls' locker rooms when we were changing for P.E.- either at the school's swimming pool or one of the various gyms we visited... And letting my anger (and jealousy) out on her boyfriend during increasingly more violent dodgeball games. 🫠

I was a certified moron, who did not know how to human (I still don't know how to human, but I got better) or have a lid on her own emotions- didn't know what was socially appropriate and what wasn't until I made a fool of myself-

I never, ever want to see my former crush, nor her friends, ever again- unless it's to have an adult chat and have them show some remorse and apologize to me at least a little bit. I know I was a pain in the arse to deal with, and I do not deny all the damage I have done on my end. I acknowledge it and I apologized profusely for it so many times, but there simply wasn't anything I could do to go back in time and reverse it. Life isn't a videogame or simulation where you get several attempts at something. You usually just get one shot and then you are immediately judged.

Highschool turned out to be a flurry of trauma, drama and bad experiences for me. I attempted sucide thrice in that time span and self-harmed in many ways. Not gonna lie, I probably damaged my kidneys a little during one of those suicide attempts (slightly ODd on some food supplements, thinking they were a harder drug).

The sexual trauma from being r*ped also persisted throughout the early part of my adulthood and gave me mood swings and more PTSD. I finally got rid of it around the age of 24, give or take- so basically, during COVID-19, where everything slowed down (and I finally had the time I needed to process all of the repressed, horrible, traumatic sh*t I kept running away from).

But yeah... The aim of this vent post is not to victimize myself in any way, but rather to put my pent up, leftover trauma and feelings into written form and exorcize some demons from the past, so to speak.

I avoided, or tried to avoid my crush throughout the rest of highschool. I literally applied to- and took an exam to change classes, so that I wouldn't have to run into her every single day anymore (though we still bumped into each other in the hallways occasionally). My PTSD and fear of encountering her in the hallway back then was so strong that my attendance kept dropping and getting worse and worse throughout my third year of highschool, even though we were studying different things now.

The sad part is that, to this day, my subconscious just remains on high alert and scans for her presence in places where I had known her to be at, because it's STILL utterly TERRIFIED of bumping into her. I have so many bad associations and traumatic memories related to that person that my brain just identifies her as THREAT / DANGER. I genuinely react worse to the thought / chance of encountering her- than being stalked home by a guy meaning to harm me.

That's the level of psychological damage we are talking about.

To this day, it's the only unresolved trauma I have left.

How I know it still affects me?

Her father was from this seaside village, in a neighboring country (same nationality as my mother- she told me this when we were still friends), where a lot of the local women look rather similar to, or almost just like her. Small gene pool I guess. And while vacationing there at the beach (not by choice, some family friends my mother always wants to visit live there- t'is a smol world), this one girl walks up to our beach spot in my general direction and just as I turn my head, my subconscious sees a shadow of my old crush in this girl / woman's face and I freeze. I felt like someone had poured liquid nitrogen all over me, and I felt this chill- completely root me in place, passing through my body like being impaled with a spear. Hell, it was an undescribable sensation, of the bad kind. The third F of the Fight or Flight responses...? Freeze?

So yeah, f*ck it. I hope the universe keeps her far away from me, though given my luck, that probably won't be the case. I swear to God, if I bump into her anywhere near where I live right now, I am just going to turn 180° and start running in the other direction.

[Insert "why are you running?" Meme here]

Yeah, no, bYE-

---

I'm going to end this post on one, last note: there was something I was never quite able to explain.

During my self-imposed and forced phase of denial (that followed this ordeal, where I thought I was still bi instead of a lesbian because "I only had traumatizing experiences with men, therefore I would like it if the right person came along" -> load of cis-het, homophobic BS that people brainwashed me with), which took place during my last two years of highschool (third and fourth year), I had started dating this one friend of mine, who was compassionate enough to understand I wasn't a danger to anyone but myself, and knew that I was just a troubled teen that needed help.

He was relatively (or even fairly) good-looking, according to the average cis-het beauty standards (not like I cared, it was his kindness that had drawn me to him in a platonic way, since I cannot fall for men) and I think this may have been around the same time where my crush's boyfriend dumped her to be with another female classmate from that same class she was in-

Usually, she (my crush) would just put on a fake smile and wave when she walked past me outside of school (acknowledging my presence), or sometimes just blatantly ignore me (if she was in a bad mood), which was fine by me. But there was this one time where I was walking through the entrance gate that led into our high school, and I was holding hands with my "new boyfriend" (the friend I had started dating) and she was walking in the opposite direction, to leave the school grounds... When she spotted me. She just stared at me with such intense and fierce hatred in her eyes (???), scoffed, and then walked past us. It was so utterly weird...?! Like- was she jealous that I had a boyfriend (that I wasn't even able to love) and she just got dumped...? That's the only logical explanation I could find, because it didn't make any logical sense.

Why would you be jealous of seeing someone who had feelings for you, who you weren't even interested in, called a stalker and wanted gone so bad- date another person? Was she jealous I was with a handsome and generous guy?

I have absolutely no clue to this day, as to what the hell all of that was about.

I tried to put it out of my mind but the nonsensical behavior there stuck with me for quite a bit.

Random thing that resurfaced as a distant memory, while remembering everything else.

People are fekkin weird.

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