#or more like i never left but somehow i'm also deeper than ever

[celendiar]

In North Blue, they call it heartshine - two hearts meant for each other, lighting up when skin touches skin. Once upon a time, Law had wondered who the bearer of the heart with a perfect match to his own was.

His curiosity is left in the ashes of Flevance, shot alongside Cora-san and buried in the cold, snowy soil of Minion Island.

Until, at the ripe old age of 24, Law sits in an auction house and Monkey D. Luffy bursts through the wall like an avalanche.

[anyasathenaeum]

Hurt/comfort is my weakness. So Vash wakes up and leaves bed in the middle of the night to get a drink or something, but when he returns he finds his partner just sobbing on the bed. Turns out, they had a really bad dream about him, and waking up to an empty room had them scared he had left them for good. Lots of holding and cooing ensues. Thank you for your consideration.

A/N: HELL YEAH HURT/COMFORT LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO I'm such a sucker for prompts like this istg, although I made this so that Vash and the reader aren't dating (YET) so there's a biiiiit more tension, I hope you don't mind Anon.

You didn't know if you were awake or asleep. Everything seemed so realistic that you couldn't tell if this was a figment of your imagination or the real world around you.

No Man's Land's sprawling wastelands spread out before you as you sat by the fire, its warmth washing up against your back as you gazed out at the dunes and the light of the worms in the night sky. A strong feeling of déjà-vu washed over you as you took a deep breath, the air warm as it filled your lungs.

"Vash, take a look at this!" You called over your shoulder to your longtime friend and companion as the worms began to swirl around, a beautiful display of light shining among the stars.

However, you got no answer from Vash.

'Hmm, maybe he just didn't hear me,' You thought to yourself, calling out again, a bit louder this time, "Vash!"

Again, no reply.

You felt slight concern go through you as you turned to look back at the campfire, where Vash had previously been sitting. But now, Vash was nowhere to be found.

"Vash?"

You got up and walked over to the campfire, your heart beginning to race in your chest as you looked around, trying to see if you could spot Vash anywhere, but to no avail. You couldn't catch any glimpse of your best friend, and it was scaring you.

"Vash, where are you?! This isn't funny!"

You felt your heart beginning to pound frantically as Vash didn't suddenly appear, stumbling over the dunes while running back to you, trying to appease your worries with exclamations of "I'm here! I'm here, (Y/N)! S-Sorry, got lost in thought!"

You searched and searched and searched, but you didn't see so much as a footprint in the sand, indicating which way Vash had gone.

As you returned back to the campfire, your pulse thundering in your ears, you suddenly noticed that there was a piece of paper tucked under your sleeping bag, sticking out just enough for you to notice it.

With trembling hands, you unfolded the piece of paper, your heart plummeting as you read the words on the paper, written in neat, familiar handwriting - Vash's.

'I'm sorry. Please don't look for me.'

Your whole body was trembling now, your breathing getting shallower and faster as your mind and heart both raced. You couldn't hear anything besides your frantic heartbeat, trying to comprehend why Vash had suddenly left you behind. He had given you no indication that he was thinking of leaving you, only ever being his usual kind, caring and gentle self, always smiling at you and being slightly goofy.

'Why? Why? Why? Vash, where have you gone?!' Your mind repeated endlessly, over and over, begging for an answer that would never come.

You found yourself hunched over, hugging yourself tightly as your whole body shook with the sobs that finally escaped you, tears streaming down your face as you cried, your heart shattering in your chest as you desperately hoped this wasn't real.

"Vash!" You sobbed out, your voice breaking as you cried, praying he'd hear you and answer you somehow, but it was futile. Only silence answered.

How could this happen? How could Vash suddenly just leave you behind, without so much as a proper goodbye? Weren't you worth more than that to him? You believed that you were important to him, that you meant enough to Vash that he would at least talk to you if something was bothering him.

However, you also knew that your feelings for Vash were much deeper than that of platonic love. It was romantic love, given the way your heart used to jolt every time Vash blessed you with his sweet, soft smiles, or the way your skin tingled like electricity coursed through it whenever Vash brushed against you, or how you wished every embrace with him would last just a few moments longer. You were in love with Vash, and had been for a very long time.

Deep down, you'd hoped that maybe, just maybe, you'd managed to wiggle your way into Vash's heart the same way he had done to yours, but you didn't want to give yourself hope. Vash was a wanted man, and he was haunted by all the horrors he had seen, so you understood that romance wasn't a priority in his life, but a small part of you always hoped for something more to happen. You had never anticipated having to say goodbye to him, though.

You felt your panic rising and rising, to the point that you were hyperventilating now, clutching onto yourself so hard that you were certain your nails were digging into your skin enough to cut you in a futile attempt to ground yourself. The world around you fell away, no longer mattering as you felt yourself becoming dizzy from your panic and your cries and your tears.

'Oh, God... oh, God...' You thought, becoming frantic as all hell broke loose in your mind. How could you go on now? What were you supposed to do?

You must've hyperventilated so badly that you stopped breathing, because your eyes to flew open and you shot up in the bed you were sleeping in, a cry leaving your lips as you did so, panting frantically in an attempt to get back the air you had lost.

Your whole body was shaking violently as you looked around the room, trying to make sense of where you were and what was happening. You reached up and touched your face gently, and you could feel that your cheeks were wet - you must've been crying in your sleep.

As you slowly regained your senses, you recognized that you were in the room that you and Vash had booked for the night as the two of you continued on your travels. However, when you glanced over at the other bed in the room, you found it empty.

"No... no..." You mumbled, your heart stopping altogether for a moment before beginning to race once again. Was this real? Vash really left you behind? It hadn't been just a dream? You scrambled out of your bed, frantically looking around for any sign of Vash, or where Vash might've gone.

You didn't find anything, which made you begin to sob again, the panic you had experienced during your dream immediately returning as you shakily sat down against the wall of the hotel room, placing your head down against your chest as you curled up on yourself, holding yourself tightly as you cried.

You cried softly, every other sound muted as you were unable to process anything outside of your own thoughts and emotions at the moment. Your cries and your heartbreak blinded and deafened you to everything else around you, which is why you didn't hear the door to your shared room opening.

Vash tried his best to tiptoe back into the room, given that you had been asleep when he had left the room and he didn't want to wake you. Vash had found himself unable to sleep, his mind keeping him awake, but given how peaceful you seemed as you slept in the bed next to his, Vash had decided to just let you rest as he went to go tackle a few errands that needed doing before the two of you left town. Vash had had to restrain himself from gently stroking your cheek as you slept, contenting himself instead with just watching you for a couple moments, his gaze so soft that you would have had no doubts about his true feelings towards you had you caught him.

What Vash wasn't anticipating to see when he reentered the room was to see you curled up in a ball against the wall of room, sobbing borderline hysterically, your whole body shaking as you cried.

Vash's heart nothing short of broke in his chest at the sight of you falling apart, holding yourself desperately in an attempt to comfort yourself when you believed yourself to be entirely alone.

"(Y/N)? Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?!" Vash exclaimed as he ran over to you, quickly dropping to his knees by your side as he reached out, gently placing his hands on your upper arms.

You startled at his touch, your head shooting up as you looked to see Vash kneeling in front of you, his expression worried.

"V-Vash?" You choked out, reaching your shaking hands up to clutch at Vash's face, cupping it as you tried to figure out if this, too, was just a dream.

The moment your hands cupped Vash's face and you realized he was really there in front of you, you dissolved into another round of tears, this time tears of relief and happiness that Vash hadn't really left.

Vash's worry skyrocketed at the new onset of tears once you touched him, and his hands came up as he placed them on top of your own on his cheeks. He stroked your skin gently for a second before he decided to just reach out and pull you completely into his arms, holding you close as you sobbed.

"Shh, hey... what's going on, (Y/N)? What happened?"

Vash's voice was gentle and soothing as he held you close, rubbing your back comfortingly as he held you close, resting his chin on top of your head as you sobbed into his chest, clutching onto him as if he'd disappear the second you let go of him. It genuinely hurt Vash to see you so distraught, and it hurt even worse that he didn't know why you were so upset or what he could do to comfort you.

After a little while of you just crying and holding onto Vash, you eventually managed to relax enough to speak, still hiccupping and your voice thick with tears as you whimpered, "Y-You left."

Vash's eyes widened at your words, and as the pieces clicked in Vash's mind, his heart cracked a little bit more in his chest and he hugged you even tighter to him.

"Oh, (Y/N)..." Vash's tone was borderline heartbroken, "I'm so sorry. I'd never leave you behind. I'm so sorry I scared you. I'm here."

You just shook your head, unable to speak as you let your head rest against Vash's chest, your eyes closing as you just focused on all the details about Vash - the feeling of his chest rising and falling against you, his breaths fanning across your skin, the sound of his heartbeat against your ear, the feeling of his warmth radiating around you as he held you close. Had this been any other time, you likely would've melted into a puddle at being so close to Vash and for such a long period of time.

Vash's sheer existence calmed you much more and much quicker than any pitiful self-calming attempts you had made, and Vash sensed this as he just adjusted his hold on you, ensuring he could hold you closer and comfort you.

"I'm here," Vash mumbled gently, his lips right above your ear as he spoke, "I promise, (Y/N), I'm not going anywhere without you. We're a team, you and I, right? I'm not leaving you behind, ever. You-" Vash's voice cracked and jumped up an octave for a second before he cleared his throat and got out, "You mean too much to me."

Were you not so exhausted from all your tears and panic attacks, you likely would've felt the heat rise to your face and you would've been overjoyed to hear Vash's confession, but you were just so, so tired. So, you let out a small hum of contentment and snuggled yourself a bit closer to Vash, letting Vash know that you felt the same as your eyes fluttered shut.

"Come on, mayfly. Let's get you back to bed, yeah?" Vash said gently, shifting you slightly so that he could lift you up in a bridal carry before bringing you over to your bed. He tucked you in, but before he could so much as turn away from you, you let out another stifled sob.

"I-I'm sorry," You choked out, covering your mouth as you tried to calm yourself and put the pieces of yourself back together, which was proving much harder than you anticipated. You knew that, even though you were exhausted, there was no way you'd fall back asleep like this.

Vash just frowned, his expression sad as he looked at you crying again, his heart somehow breaking further. He didn't know how much more he could take before he, too, would break down and cry with you, wishing he could take the pain away and bear it for you. Unsure of where his sudden courage was coming from, Vash quickly shed his iconic red coat and took off his boots, placing his glasses on your bedside table as he slid in next to you in your bed, turning onto his side and pulling you into his arms yet again.

"I-I'm so s-sorry, V-Vash," you whimpered, burying your face in your hands as Vash held you close, with him just shushing you gently in response to your apology.

"No, no, no!" Vash exclaimed gently, "Don't apologize, it's okay, I'm so happy I can be here for you, (Y/N). It hurts to see you hurting, so don't apologize, please... just, let me be here for you."

You looked up at Vash's face, your own face tear-stained and your eyes red from crying, and you felt your heart stop for a second.

Vash's blue eyes were so, so soft, and filled with an emotion you couldn't quite place. He looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky, with a tenderness that made your heart flutter in your chest, and it made your breath hitch. A gentle smile was on Vash's lips as he looked at you, and you suddenly understood that Vash... might've felt more for you than you believed he did.

"Please..." Your voice was soft and, while still thick with emotion, conveyed your wish, "Stay with me, Vash?"

"Of course," Vash answered almost immediately, holding you close to him, his flesh-and-blood and resting under your head as he pulled you in, his prosthetic arm wrapping around your waist, "Always, (Y/N). Always."

There were so many things left unsaid between yourself and Vash, and you knew that you both could feel it, this... thing between you both, but for now, both of you just decided to enjoy your closeness and your embrace, taking comfort in each other's presence and warmth.

In both your mind and Vash's, words unsaid bounced around, hoping one day to be said as you both slowly drifted to sleep.

Please stay, Vash.

I'm never leaving you, (Y/N).

You're everything to me.

You're everything to me.

I love you, Vash.

I love you, (Y/N).

Taglist: @mossygalaxy, @ryuukami4, @spacioussoul, @iceoblivious

[ningningsdream]

the villain in your story | part forty two

word count: 1k

"come in, come in.", jeno invited you in after opening the door for the three of you. you could see the shock on his face when he saw you standing behind jimin and minjeong but decided not to comment on it, "you can put everything on the table. i'm going to call jaemin out."

"oh, i'll go.", you said, stopping jeno in his tracks, "i have to talk to him anyway.", you walked towards jaemin's room, being fully aware of the pairs of eyes following you.

you knocked on jaemin's door and waited for an answer.

"are they here already? i'm coming.", you heard him shout through the door.

you waited patiently, hands clasped behind your back while looking around. the door suddenly opened and you were met with a very surprised and stuttering jaemin. you couldn't make out a word he tried to say.

"can we talk?", your throat felt dry. you were nervous somehow.

jaemin stepped aside and motioned for you to come into his room.

the discussion you had with donghyuck, jimin and minjeong a few nights before really opened your eyes. you were so caught up in your own feeling of distress that you didn't fully process how jaemin must have been feeling. sure, you knew he probably felt a little down but hearing donghyuck talking about how jaemin was right after you left him in that room alone, to hide away from your problems, just made you hate yourself for acting that way. you should've at least tried to explain yourself a little more on the spot, instead of just abandoning him with questions and a pain growing in his chest. all you wanted to do after hearing that was talk to jaemin. whatever mess is going on between jiwoo and you, you owed him an explanation. you spent the few days after that, organizing your thoughts and what you wanted to tell jaemin so when the occasion came up, you'd be prepared. you thought it'd come when will suhturday open again but it came early than you expected.

"first of all, i'm sorry. for everything i put you through. i went mia on everyone for my own good but i didn't consider how it'll make you all feel... how it'll make YOU feel.", you said, your fingers fidgeting with each other.

"there you go again, playing with my feelings.", he said with a chuckle that sound more sad than joyful.

"i never played with your feelings, ever.", you shook your head, looking at him in the eyes for the first time in a while, "i just really needed some time to clear my mind and figure things out. not only with what's happening between us but with myself also."

"did you figure it out?"

"not everything but a little bit of it yeah.", you sighed with a little smile.

your thoughts ran through your mind like crazy as you tried to sum them up, forgetting your whole apology essay with just one eye contact with jaemin. you realized that you 100% develop feelings for him again, deeper ones that didn't seem to go away no matter what you did. there was still the jiwoo problem that you had to solve but you decided that you've had enough of jiwoo's love life dictating yours. the talk you had with donghyuck during the trip helped you a lot, you realized it became such a habit to overly baby jiwoo that it had become something toxic in your life. also, having jimin, minjeong and donghyuck's inputs on the situation, really helped you clear your mind. having been stuck in your point of view for a long time, it was refreshing to hear the people who watched the two of you get closer talk about it.

"i missed you.", you admitted, "i missed your presence, talking with you, seeing you...not only as a friend."

"i- you- you can't just come back and say that after disappearing for days after what happened.", jaemin was clearly affected by your presence and if he listened to his heart, he would forgive you on the spot but a little voice in his head was fighting to be treated better.

"i know. i just wanted to apologize to you, it's the least i can do.", you said, hands trembling a little because of how nervous you were, "i don't expect you to forgive me right away. i just want you to know that i'm truly sorry and that i regret what i did and how i handled things."

jaemin pressed his lips into a thin line, one question was still haunting his thoughts. he thought that he had partially an answer for it but your apologies just confused his theory, "can i know why you rejected me back then? you owe me that at least.", he tried to keep his composure neutral, even though all he wanted to do was to hold your shaky hands - a habit he noticed you had when you were nervous about talking about something you deemed important.

"you're right...", your eyes darted away from his face, a little ashamed of the reason you broke his heart, "i rejected you and also acted in a pushing-and-pulling way towards you because...someone close to me...likes you-"

he interrupted you, "jiwoo?", dots were starting to connect in his brain.

"how-", you looked back in his direction, eyebrows furrowed.

"i guessed it...with some help."

jaemin thought he did something to make you uncomfortable and that you probably hated him now, so hearing your reason for rejecting him, made him feel a lot of relief. he understood that you were in a shaky situation, especially when the other person involved was your friend.

"well, i have to talk to her first, we have a lot to discuss and i want to give her a heads up before we start anything-", you quickly corrected yourself, cheeks blushing at your slip of the tongue, "if we start anything."

jaemin reached out for your hands, "i'll wait for you.", he said, unknowingly warming your heart with his first smile since the start of the conversation.

his hands warmed yours and your hands stopped shaking unknowingly. you sent him a smile before saying, "we should probably go out before they think anything weird."

main masterlist | tviys masterlist

pairing: fem!oc x barista!jaemin, fembarista!reader x barista!jaemin

genre: fluff, angst, suggestive, barista!au, sns au

summary: girls' code prevents you from liking the guy your friend likes right?

a/n: i miss oreo renjun for real 🥹 and jaemin's too good

taglist: [@glamourizz @rinrinslovebot @beomibeom @moonjobf @hiqhkey @calssunflower @donghyuckster @vianna99 @kookiedesi @baehaechannie @nshimura @thiccfullsun @dear-dreamie @neobowlingshoez @jjaehmins @liliansun @bythe8 @hyuckrec @dearlyminhyung @ohmygs-blog @hoeshi17 @wonupuppy @shan-oldham @jeongintwt @renjunoya @najm00 @sukistrawberry @goldryush]

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[wishing-stones]

hey there! first time asking and i am.. pretty nervous :') not sure how nightmare's body works for your au, but how would the boys™ react if nightmare was somehow weakened enough to have his passive body revealed under all the corruption and not die? (or yes die, if that's what you're about lol) thanks!

Awww don't be nervous! I don't bite.

Nightmare's body is largely permanently colored by the corruption, but it can weaken, and he's still a (mostly) complete, white-boned skeleton under it.

Without active corruption, Nightmare is around 5'6" (or your height) and has some damage around his right eye socket. The light still forms, but his vision isn't so great. (Still a far cry better than 'normal,' where he can't see at all). His eyelight in that socket is purple, and the one in his left is cyan, no matter what form he's in. Sometimes it'll be half-and-half, if he's especially weak or in his feelings, but he's usually got the full heterochromia thing going on.

Fortunately, it just kind of retreats into the inner void of his body/skull if it's too weak to fully encase him, so it's all or nothing with the curse/corruption. It won't kill him, but he is much more vulnerable when he's passive.

The guys would be surprised, to say the least, but they'd also make the (correct) assumption that he's not as sturdy as he usually is and should be guarded. Nightmare definitely tried to hide this, but with a bunch of intuitive, smart underlings, it's hard to maintain the illusion that 'everything's fine, I'm just going to stay in bed for a while.'

Still, no one's going to lose respect for him, or make fun of him (in any seriousness-- we all know Killer is Required By Law to give him some guff) in any real capacity. He'd get a little babied, actually, until he told them all to knock it off, and then it's only Axe who babies him. (He can't get Axe to stop.)

Everyone is sworn to secrecy, because he especially does not need Dream finding out about this. He'd never stop crying, and Nightmare doesn't want to deal with that, thank you very much.

This does happen every great so often, especially after things get reconciled with his brother. Without active malice and hatred to feed on, the corruption kind of ebbs away and 'rests' to regain strength, and then it comes back strong as ever. He's actually quite strong when it comes back because it's refreshed, and he usually feels his oats a bit when it comes back.

It's the only aspect of the curse/corruption that he can't really control. Since he doesn't have a ton of enemies anymore, or at least ones who would be able to take advantage of such a situation, it's just a mild inconvenience rather than a cause for alarm.

More little facts about this:

He sounds different while passive. If he tries really hard, he can get into his normal, deeper register, but it takes a bit. He sounds a lot younger (still an adult, but younger and higher) and gets a little bit sensitive about it, actually.

He's also sensitive about his height. He loses 8 inches or better, and he doesn't like it. Yes, he wears platforms to make himself at least taller than the others (save Axe) if he's up and about, and not sulking in his room.

He views it as an inconvenience, but he hates feeling vulnerable. He's worn the corruption so long, to not have it makes him feel naked, and it's not something he handles terribly well.

He's also more sensitive to: temperature, touch, elements, and Intent. He gets cold easily, so he's usually close to some heat source. This sometimes includes the boys, and they have cuddle-puddled to make him feel safer.

He will break out his crown and wear it. It's a newer one-- his old crown won't fit because it didn't grow with him. he wears a silver crown with a more elegant crescent moon fixture (not entirely unlike this, but solid and without decoration) with a three-quarter moon taking up the void of the crescent, leaving a small gap between the two. He also wears much less gold and much more silver, although he does wear gold with purple, since it's very regal looking.

Hand-in-hand with the above, he breaks out good fancy clothing, too, since he's not in danger of staining it, and it feels nice on not-corrupted bones. Silk, satin, velvet... very fine clothing.

He also wears a weighted cape. While he doesn't always have his tentacles out, he will over-correct for their weight when they aren't present, and he's fallen over before when turning because of it. (After Killer was done laughing, he helped devise the cape.) It's a lovely little capelet that hangs over one shoulder, but drapes otherwise evenly across the back to the small of his back.

He's usually passive for 1-2 weeks, and then it won't happen again for a couple years, if he's lucky, or 10-12 months if he's not. This only started happening once Dream broke out of the statue, so while it's a fairly new development, it's one that he's learned to deal with and has procedures for.

I mentioned it before with Dream in R&R, but his bones have kind of a pearlescent sheen to them. Dream's is warmer (like a cream pearl), but Nightmare's is cooler (like a silver pearl). They're both Demi-gods, after all.

Interestingly enough, I've been working with this idea recently.

[knowlesian]

Hey! I really enjoy your meta and was wondering if you could share your thoughts on why Ed says "never left" in episode 8. Because that infuriated me! He did leave and wasn't planning on coming back before the English reveal. But I also am aware that I relate deeply to Stede in episode 8 (the way they had him wear the same outfit as when he was bullied as a child killed me) so I'm sure my view is skewed. But it read to me like let's just pretend that didn't happen which I understand could be a call back to the bathtub scene but it just rubs me wrong.

So can I have your thoughts about why Ed/the writers went with the iconic "never left" + wink reply?

i CAN, and buckle up because this one is something i have so many thoughts about but somehow have only briefly tackled.

so: ed is a really socially aware guy. he's good with reading people, he can do sarcasm just fine, but he doesn't know the rules of the social road in stede's world which means when stede does the 'my body language and whole vibe SCREAMS i don't like this, my words say yeah cool do it more, even! i'm fine with this' thing because he's used to that as a way to make life "easier" for everybody by just entirely avoiding open confrontation ever, ed is like ...okay, i am either supposed to call you a liar here or carry on? because in my world, when you want something to fuckin stop you say FUCKIN STOP and when you're being a real jerk on purpose, you want people to know it's because you hope they have a shitty day.

(i know ed the adult man not knowing the terms retirement and passive aggressive exist or what they mean has led to some real world logic application all, ed is dumb/doesn't know basic words and the like, but those are Theme Moments because this is a big gay play running on rule of cool. the text is saying: ed wants to stop but doesn't even know it's an option unless you die, and ed says what he means/expects everyone else to do the same.)

so in ed's world, what stede does as a mode of politeness/defense is just called lying. ed's not grounded in the world of books and social games; he's not looking for hidden purposeful meanings in the corners of everybody's words, which contributes to how he misses jack. (sidenote: i think stede is extra snippy because his spidey-sense for passive aggressive fuckery is going off endlessly and telling him something is not RIGHT here, and he needs to be on alert by the same token, but that's not super related. just wanted to say it!!! etc)

also, ed’s been introduced to the idea of passive aggression as a weapon; he hasn't been introduced to the niceties side. so when he leaves, it's with this funky vibe in the air where he feels like jack just came out to have a good time, stede's giving off the kind of mixed signals that are potentially scary, and it culminates in stede unfortunately framing his (very legit) annoyances as an issue with ed/his behavior vs issues with jack, and that only drives the wedge in deeper.

so when ed leaves, it's not because he wants to: it's this rolling avalanche of shitty things that all culminate in ed being like, if jack who represents my past and is just here to have a good time pisses stede off this much and makes him say he doesn't like me around jack, what happens when he decides i'm too much like jack to be borne a second longer and kicks me out, too?

theeeeen he finds out jack was there to fuck shit up on PURPOSE, and what stede had an issue with gets internally reframed. suddenly, stede is not judging ed by proxy, he's judging jack who is a lying dick and trying to cause trouble and drive them apart on purpose. this means even if stede's own issues were a large part of his reaction, stede actually read the room far better than ed. (just like he did at the party.)

the spin now emotionally is: stede tried to protect me. if i had listened and not trusted jack over stede's instincts, maybe none of this is happening. i have to go back and protect him.

which leads me into the actual line!!! stede's face is super key here, to set the stage. he's so, so fucking happy. like: incandescent. when he says 'you came back', he's so fucking relieved. they're about to get boarded by the fucking royal navy and stede looks happier than ever.

which tells ed: you never actually wanted me to leave. you are unconditionally glad to see me back, even though i fucked up and i should have listened to you. you're just glad i'm here, no matter what's going on.

and ed... ed so much wants anybody at all to see him for who he actually is, as he wants to be seen, and then be happy he's in the room.

so 'never left' is the moment he speaks stede's language for the first time, i think. the language of: what i am saying here is a cover for the deeper truth of what i mean. ed says never left, but he doesn't mean it like literally i was never gone or never intended to stay that way.

he means: i didn't want to go. and maybe, even better— emotionally, i was always still with you. my body left, the legend of blackbeard left, but ed was always right here. right where he wants to be.

and they're so thrilled to be together again, yes, but i think that's the crux of this scene and why their gazes stay tender and locked even as everything goes shit around them. why ed needs to reach out, and stede needs to lean back into that touch.

ed knows stede is just glad he's around; stede knows ed didn't ever want to leave him.

(and, after an episode of talking past each other, they are finally starting to work out the language to meet each other on even ground, where ed will give some and stede will give some and they will meet in the middle, neither of them having to exist entirely in the other's world or use the other's words to communicate.)

[solarisquid]

JUST THIS ONCE... (Catradora)

Rating: General Audiences

Tags: She-Ra Season 5 Spoilers, Dark, Self-Hatred, Catra POV, Angst with a happy ending.

WC: 642

Notes: Bolded parts are whispers by Adora that Catra perceives as yells.

Read on AO3

"You look out for me. And I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

That was the last memory that crossed Catra's mind before the pain.

"It was time I did justice to that promise myself. Stay safe, Adora..."

And those were her last thoughts before being forced to submerge inside the green glowing pool. Before the shadows took over and all she could hear was Horde Prime's voice, soon enough joined by thousands upon thousands of voices in the darkness. The hivemind. Their sound was deafening and Horde Prime's will was even sicker than any punishment Shadow Weaver had ever inflicted upon Catra. So she withdrew deep into her soul, far deeper than anyone could ever reach, to slumber for eternity as Horde Prime used her as a mere puppet.

Anyone but Adora. Suddenly, a light. And Adora was there. Somehow she had managed to break Prime's mind control. She didn't remember doing so. But soon enough, Prime took over again. This happened many times in a lapse of time way too short and Catra was hurting.

The last thing she saw before being surrounded by darkness once again... Was the abyss. A deep, dark abyss. Horde Prime wanted to end her life.

The darkness surrounded her, once again. She could also feel the grip of Horde Prime, restraining her whole mind. And the shadows started to grow bigger. And bigger. And bigger.

She was dying. And all she could think was... That she deserved it. She had ruined way too many people's lives. She had broken people, and pushed them away. A single good action couldn't redeem a monster like her. She deserved nothing, but death. The whole universe would be better off without her.

And then, among the shadows, she heard a voice. A shout, a yell. Accompanied by a light, so bright that the shadows started to retreat. So bright, that Horde Prime's light seemed like a shadow itself. So pure that she could feel Horde Prime's grip weakening, as he was burned by the light.

"Come on, Catra, you're not done. Not yet!"

She knew that voice. She knew it as well as she knew that the sun would rise every morning. Her heart skipped way too many heartbeats.

"Adora?"

"We're going home, Catra! You have to wake up!"

Then, Catra saw it. A bright, glowing door, calling her from within the shadows, attracting her. And Adora was there. Trying to reach Catra with her hand.

"Adora... I'm worthless. I hurt people. Why would you come back for me? I wanted you to be safe... To uphold my end of the promise for once. Leave me. You're better off without me."

"No, no!"

The sheer emotion in Adora's yells was enough to made Catra look at her. She was crying.

"I was the one who failed you! I broke the promise, while you always looked out for me, even after I left! So don't you dare blame yourself for that!"

"But..."

"Don't you get it!? I know I don't deserve it, but I'm begging you! I will never leave you again, so please, just this once... Come with me!"

Adora wasn't able to continue as she burst into tears. But her words were more than enough to make Catra feel something she hadn't felt in a long time. Hope for a better future. Hope for herself. Hope... For redemption. A will to live.

So she struggled with Horde Prime's weakened wrap. She struggled through the shadows, through the pain and through the darkness, reaching for Adora's hand, as her face filled with surprise.

When she opened her eyes, Adora was there. Leaning on her chest, feeling mentally exhausted and vulnerable... She said the only thing she could think of at the moment.

"Hey, Adora..."

AO3.

Kudos and reblogs are appreciated 💛

[gods-of-mischief]

What happened with: Maybe we could figure it out together? [Thoughts after S02E06]

My impressions of the story that I loved so much and that destroyed me so emotionally.

Yes, the second series is brilliant outside - great acting, visuals, music, epic finale. Yeah, it's beautiful at first and I can understand so much excitement and ovations about how great it is. But… when I look at the first series and compare it to the second, there are so many things missing. Damn it!

First season had soul, the creators focused mostly on the characters, on their growth, on emotions, on details, on the play of colors. For example, the scene in the Citadel and the conversation between Sylvie and Loki… absolutely breathtaking scene that they turned into a farce in the second series. (When HWR had erased Sylvie from the scene it was so gross it almost made me jump out of my chair.) At what point did a show that was about two people and their journey become a show about one person? What happened with "You go. I go.", "Maybe… maybe we could figure it out together."?

Why did Marvel put out a novelization confirming their feelings for each other, all that unspoken words, if they didn't want to work with that relationship properly in the second season? The relationship between those two was the heart of the entire first season. Yes, Loki was looking for Sylvie… yes, he was looking at her with his sad puppy eyes every time he saw her… but so what… for what? If they never once discussed about things - what happened, about their feelings, anything about them at all? And at the end, out of the blue, "I'm doing it for you"… but all the time without you.

They use his love for her to learn to control the slippage, to work things out, to sacrifice everything for her and for his friends. But when has Loki ever had time to truly be friend anyone other than Mobius? Yeah, they were dealing with the same problem, but before his "rewriting the story", those people were almost strangers to him… and he sits there with Sylvie at the bar and tells her that he's all about his friends… where some deeper relationship is pulled out of absolutely nowhere.

They both mutually think the other doesn't need the other in their lives anymore, and the way Loki handles everything on his own makes it seem that way. Still, it's Sylvie who makes him start to change why he does what he does along the way. So why wasn't there a scene where he finally fills her in properly on all of this? Why did they show us that he "trying everything" at the Citadel when it didn't seem like that at all, and make Sylvie out to be some obsessed murderess who can't see or hear what's going on around her? Why were there so many allusions to enchantment when they never used it to allow Sylvie to finally fully understand Loki? And I can think of more and more questions like that! I don't even want to imagine what the "real memories" Loki left in Sylvie's head after all this.

I also don't understand how they made the main female character a completely peripheral character that they clearly didn't know how to handle or lead. They had her thrown in for a twist here and there, but otherwise they had her there for decoration? Such an interesting character that they turned into a looped figure that doesn't understand what's going on. A side character who just stood on the sidelines for nothing? The girl was a goddess, just like Loki, so what the hell? That's how untapped the potential is. It was a pain to watch and especially in the finale. Sophia, I'm really sorry. You and Sylvie deserved so much better. That mysogyny was disgusting.

I really tried to take all the episodes with a grain of salt, expecting that there was surely a reason… that everything would somehow become clear, that I couldn't judge without the whole context… but the whole picture just confirmed to me that the creators were just pushing the story and the characters into situations that absolutely missed the fundamentals of the first series.

Yes, it could have had exactly the ending it had, if it had to be. But the path should have been different. Why does he have close people around him and then he is alone in everything? I stand by the fact that this should have been handled by both of them. That they should have either ended up there "at the end of time" together or they should have given them some kind of goodbye, a scene where they talk about it, where Loki tells her he doesn't want her to go there with him, that he wants her to live (like when it was in NWH between Peter and MJ, for example, when he told her what was going on, what he had to do and they dealt with it together) or a scene where Sylvie was free to make her own decision. She should have been able to decide and have a say in all of this.

For me, this build-up was unprecedentedly cruel to them from start to finish. I have to say that the ending made me cry, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried at a movie or TV show. This completely destroyed me, how long nothing. What was it supposed to give me? No matter what I do, it will never be enough? Will I have to lose everything I want and live with my biggest fears forever? Or?

So… in summary, if you're all about the epic story and not the characters and real relationships, you'll probably be thrilled… otherwise, you might have the same mixed feelings as I did. I know that Marvel is no soap opera… but they often present love and relationships in a very painful way, I get really sick of it sometimes. It's not always about epic twists and sacrifices…

I'm still here. I love Sylki, I love Tom and Sophia. But the second season hurts like hell. I don't even know if I want to see it again. To be honest, I don't even know how to deal with it. Is there any hope? Who knows… it's getting harder and harder to hope.

[ragnarlothcat]

"Taking Care" for the wip title game pretty please 🥺

Hello friend, and thank you 🥰 I post the first chapter of that fic when I was sick so it's very funny to look back on and try to piece together where I was going from the very cryptic notes I left for myself. I think I'm figuring it out and I also think that I cut it at a weird point because chapter 2 is going to be way shorter. I used to insist on similar chapter lengths but I'm not going to draw out my smut to 9k words for the sake of symmetry.

Anyway here is the beginning of chapter 2! I might prioritize finishing this one actually because spending too long without completing a fic makes me anxious. I need the little green ao3 checkmark or else I might explode!

Chapter 2

The tension churns like a storm as the bouncer drags the offender away by the elbow. Obi-Wan’s heart is still hammering and his hands itch to go after them, to make that man regret striking Anakin, or regret ever having looked at him.

“Are you all right?” Obi-Wan asks, nudging Anakin with a tendril of concern.

He can’t see Anakin’s ass anymore, the slap on his cheek. Anakin’s had worse, of course, and in very recent memory. Obi-Wan still hears the sound of Dooku’s lightsaber and Anakin’s pained breathing when he closes his eyes, still wrestles with his own weakness and his failure to protect the boy.

This latest assault is obviously nothing compared to the loss of his arm but it seems more violating, somehow. Dooku is a traitor to the order, he recently captured Obi-Wan and Anakin both up in an arena and left them to be eaten alive.

But, Obi-Wan thinks, as his eyes catch on the strip of bare thigh above Anakin’s stockings, at least he let Anakin keep his clothes on.

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan says, and he isn’t sure if he’s apologizing for the ogling or for something else. “I should have stepped in sooner. You never should have been put in this position—"

Anakin takes a step closer and Obi-Wan’s words catch in his throat, strangled by the scent of Anakin’s bare skin.

“Not here,” Anakin says, his voice low and his jaw set. “Not in public.”

This is actually a good argument. If this horrible, seedy club is somehow tied up in whatever vague crimes the council deemed important enough to risk the life and safety and purity of Obi-Wan’s Padawan, they should not be discussing it in front of total strangers.

Total strangers who are still leaking their desire into the Force, still eyeing Anakin like he’s a cut of meat.

Obi-Wan opens his mouth to agree, to suggest that they should have this conversation in a speeder on its way back to the Temple more or less immediately, when Anakin’s flesh hand darts up to grab Obi-Wan by the back of his collar like he’s an unruly loth-kitten and tugs him forward.

The crowd must see something in Anakin’s expression that Obi-Wan can’t, scruffed and restrained as he is. He thinks he should twist free, should scold his Padawan for whatever it is he thinks he’s doing and wherever he thinks he’s leading them.

But then the pulse of the music fades and Anakin jerks Obi-Wan’s tunic hard enough to cut into his collarbone and manhandles him down a dimly lit corridor. Now Obi-Wan can hear the thump of Anakin’s boots on the tiles and the thundering of his heart as Anakin leads him somehow deeper into the grimy depths of the club.

They turn a corner and Obi-Wan gets an impression of identical doors and cheap wallpaper before Anakin’s fingers tap out a code on a worn panel and he unceremoniously shoves Obi-Wan through the nearest door which clicks shut behind them with a click.

For a moment all Obi-Wan knows is the darkness of wherever they are (a closet? It feels bigger than that in the Force, his senses reaching out and tasting a lingering feeling, nearly overwhelmed by Anakin’s supernova of a presence—) but then the lights flicker on and Obi-Wan’s eyes adjust to the muted pinkish tones and pick out the shape of a fairly ordinary little room that smells like perfume and alcohol and dust.

And looks very much like a—

“What the fuck was that?”

Obi-Wan snaps his attention back to Anakin's face, which is worryingly close and unfairly pretty even when livid. And his boy is angry, that much is clear. It’s apparent in the tension of his long, collared throat, the twitch in his strong jaw and the crudeness of his word choice even by Anakin’s somewhat lax standards.

“Language,” Obi-Wan admonishes, and Anakin rolls his eyes. “Anakin, where are we? Why aren’t we leaving?”

“Leaving? Leaving? Why would we leave?” Anakin scoffs and jabs Obi-Wan in the chest with a gloved finger. “You, maybe.”

Yes, Obi-Wan does want to leave. He wants to leave this horrible club and this stuffy little room and wrap Anakin in as many blankets as he can find and cart him home to where he’s safe and Obi-Wan can keep him that way, far from the reach of handsy, violent drunks who want nothing more than to ruin Anakin and keep him for themselves. The council clearly lost their collective minds when they conceived of this plan, when decided to abandon Obi-Wan’s Padawan, his Padawan to the baser desires of the Coruscant underworld.

“Why would I leave without you? Surely you can see that this mission is ridiculous, that the council never should—” Obi-Wan pauses, and he cranes his head around Anakin’s shoulder. “Why does this room have a bed in it?”

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Character opinion bingo ask: Kyouka and Akutagawa?

~ Note

Hi Note! :D

Omg... Kyouka and Akutagawa my beloveds...

Kyouka:

They are sooooo cool looking: Kyouka's outfits are excellent and she looks great in everything. Ok so maybe it's more pretty/cute but still. I think it counts.

Wasted potential: Sigh... ok so this might be an unpopular opinion, but while I think she's fine in the main series I felt her role in Beast should've been more significant. While it made sense that her and Atsushi would end up unhealthily over-reliant on each other in an environment where they're the only ones they have... I think it would've been more intriguing to have Kyouka take a bigger role there, since she was so important to the sskk dynamic in the main universe. Also I was under the impression that the whole reason she bonded so strongly to Atsushi was because of his helping and inspiring her... so idk. I wish she had've left the Mafia in Beast and stayed out but didn't get found right away. Maybe Akutagawa is forced to reassess his role as an older sibling based off their interactions (early indications that his and Gin's relationship won't be magically repaired once he finds her). Maybe Kyouka is constantly conflicted between her desire to get out from the Mafia and her desire to not see Atsushi get hurt. Maybe Akutagawa is faced with someone who can't decide whether or not she is helping or hindering him, someone he doesn't know well enough to reach but knows just well enough to feel uncomfortable with the notion of cutting her down. I just think more could've been done than using Kyouka as a means of forcing Atsushi's hand. Plus it would've meant Atsushi and Kyouka angst as she tries to reach him and he tries to reach her and they both, due to acting out of their own trauma and fear, fundamentally miss what the other really needs. Anyways. Sorry for the rant. To clarify, I don't hate what was done (Beast is really good!) I just. Yeah, wasted potential.

They're deeper than they seem: I mean that was the whole point of my "Kyouka's impact on sskk" post. But more than that, she actually has a lot of depth to her. She's clever and competent, as well as childish and snarky. She's easily taken with simple joys and also capable of unshakeable focus. She has issues trusting people and real, honest, believable reactions to her own pain and seeing others go through it. Slowly but surely, she comes alive. She's a whole person!!! And her development is still one of my favourites in the series.

They work better as part of a dynamic: I would love some solo Kyouka focus but it's funny because much as Kyouka isn't intending it, for some reason her mere presence means that someone around her is getting some realization or character development. Seriously. She kickstarts sskk, her choices are at the crux of Kouyou's story and development. Her conflict with Higuchi affirms Higuchi's loyalty even in the face of severe injury, and Mushitarou starts taking advice from Yokomizo when her and Atsushi go to save him. Even Dazai has a moment of genuineness when he's talking to her about people changing for the better - he's thinking about Oda and I'm pretty sure Asagiri confirmed those were his honest thoughts. So, yeah, I love Kyouka as a character individually but also whenever she shows up it means we're getting some good conflict and scenes with other characters too. Which is awesome and compelling.

They've never done anything wrong in their life: yeah :)

Akutagawa:

They are sooooo cool looking/Why do they look like that: I. I want to roast him for what he's wearing and his hair but sometimes he really does look legitimately cool, especially in the manga. I don't think I will ever get that one panel from the Fukuchi fight out of my head - the one where he creates essentially Rashoumon spider limbs out of his shirt - I have no idea why he dresses like a goth victorian edgelord but props to him for somehow pulling it off. (This panel btw. Gosh he's so cool.)

If they were real, I'd be afraid of them: I mean, I think this is a valid thing to feel.

Didn't get enough screen time: Ok so I know that sounds weird but for his importance he actually doesn't get that many scenes... surprisingly? Like, he shows up at key scenes and then basically dips lol. For a deuteragonist and foil of the main character, idk I guess I was just surprised when I started reading at how little he actually appeared. Especially since the doa arc started. Where is my boy Asagiri??? Can he maybe... not be a vampire anymore? K thanks.

They work better as part of a dynamic: Well, clearly the sskk dynamic is top tier. And I love his relationship with Gin and would like to see it expanded on, plus the complicated mess that is his dynamic with Kyouka. His dynamic with Dazai, uncomfortable though it is to see, is very intriguing as a reader and I desperately want to know more. However... tying back in with what I said about the screen time, I really want to see more of just Akutagawa. The Hawthorne/Mitchell fight is so good to me because he's the only character we really know in advance at that point, and a lot of the fight is him thinking over Atsushi's words. I would like to see more of Akutagawa on his own tbh, and I'm hoping that's what the whole vampire thing builds up to.

[amerasdreams]

Some passages in Generation that remind me of the war... specifically, open source research which is what Jason is doing and what I'm interested in... I didn't write it overtly bc I'm interested in it but perhaps subconsciously. Plus, it does make sense with what they're investigating. Lots of content like that... though this is specifically sent on purpose to blackmail the security service so they stop investigating.

Also the war did start after I wrote it, but I didn't consciously write it with it in mind, but I think it did inform what I wrote, bc how could it not?

The situation isn't of course the same but there are similarities. Ruthless enemy-- people without conscience. And making videos of atrocities.

Of course, I'm not remotely like Jason... dont have the PTSD from some of the sorts of things he has to watch. It is hard for anyone. I should be able to do some... like it says in the story (I don't have Jason's excuse but...super sensitive ... which makes me want to do all the more and yet much less equipped for it!) Of course, Jason's an agent and can do much more than watch videos. Even with his limits. Less than he thinks but. Still, hard for him.

~~~

Jason awoke in the dark. Vague echoes of nightmares etched across his mind; he veered away from them, trying not to give them more substance. Searched desperately for anything to distract his mind so he could go back to sleep and avoid more nightmares.

But the default images that filtered across his thoughts in the dark was what he’d seen before bed. As horrific as any nightmare. Elliot bound, helpless. Pressed to the bed as the man carved into him. This time, Jason saw it more clearly—not as bound up with his own pain. Elliot’s struggles as he tried to get away… the brutal next phase of the torture….

Jason tossed onto his side, trying to avoid the images. He didn’t want to think of it. But they kept stabbing into his mind. Carving deeper and deeper with each round, a never-ending carousel of torment.

...

After the beauty of the day before—this was what his mind drifted to? Did it always have to be evil and pain that prevailed?

... 

But as soon as he let his mind drift, it followed the path back to the horrible images…. The pounding dread in his chest as he watched and could do nothing…

Pain cut through his hand, where his fingernails pressed against the new bandage.

He sat up again, more carefully this time, leaned his head in his hand. How could he escape this?

Realization slammed into him. Elliot couldn’t escape. How dare Jason try to escape it… it was awful to dwell on, but at the same time… Elliot didn’t have the luxury of not dwelling on it. He was immersed in a hellscape he could not climb out of. He’d lost hope of rescue… but that didn’t mean they should give up on him. He needed rescue more than ever now

....

Both of the torturers had left Elliot alone and faded into the blurred background.

Elliot was lying on the bed, his fist clenched around a handful of the bedspread. His eyes were shut tightly, a crease in his brow. A tear rolled down his cheek. His entire body shook uncontrollably.

Jason wanted more than anything to reach through the screen, comfort him, tell him everything would be okay. Protect him from the evil beings who were still in the room with him.

But even if he could save him, how could he comfort him? He would probably not want to be touched. And it would not be okay for a long time.

He could only start on his road to recovery if he were rescued. Somehow, Jason had to bridge the gap, find where he was, go in and take them down. Take them out.

...

His eyes gradually adjusted and the grass under the moonlight materialized out the window. Jason’s gaze drifted to the stars twinkling against the midnight sky. So much beauty… it was a mockery, when such brutality existed. A person torn from all that was good, ripped apart by evil beings… such things should not be.

Jason had to do everything in his power to stop it. There was no use enjoying beauty when someone was suffering beyond imagining. He had to keep going until Elliot was rescued and those men were punished.

...

But wasn’t Elliot’s life worth the risk? How could Jason live with sitting back, comfortable in the luxurious palace, while he could’ve done something? Perhaps all he could do was futile. But any action was better than inaction.

...

But at the same time… I can’t turn my back on him… I want to block such things from my mind, but when he’s going through such horrors, to turn my back on him would mean being complicit.

I can’t live with that.

Generation Chapter 42

[diggerunit]

Opening a new chapter

One day you catch a deep breath and it feels like you open your eyes again for the first time after so long.

You feel like yourself again, but somehow better and stronger than where you left it. You feel a new gaze projecting from your eyes, a new power in your walk and a new drive in everything you do.

You are also more present than ever, and consequently you feel more than ever. Both what you have and what you're missing. You can feel life in every breath and in every step and in every heartbeat. You feel every second on your skin and you are finally able to taste that touch.

Such openness and alert also bring you a new awareness about you and who surrounds you. You let the grip go as you're finally stronger to walk alone. But at the same time loosing that grip creates a space for new inputs where once it was only a thick wall. And that wall starts showing cracks and there you find the fear of a deeper change than what you expected.

Nothing is written yet, you are still free to create your own tomorrow. Either making the same choices again as once upon a time, confirming your will, or putting everything in discussion and taking another big leap. Into a new life you never even dreamed of.

Time will tell and who knows where you'll be at in a year from now. But for once in my life, I'm not rushing to get there anymore. I'm ready to dive in as deep as I need in the present moment.

[vaguely-humanoid-form]

rambling about Monika DDLC to kick off spooky month because I'm super normal about her

spoilers for DDLC as well as trigger warnings for mentions of suicide, self harm, death, abuse, neglect, and just basically most of the stuff that's in DDLC so. reader discretion is advised !

Monika is a character that I understand on such a deeply profound level and who also means a lot to me

DDLC came out when I was in 5th grade, approximately 10 years old, and GOD did I hyperfixate on that bad boy HARD

I've been an avid horror game fan ever since FNAF 1 came out, investing in its lore and community starting at the ripe old age of 7 years old !

but, anyways, back to DDLC

I don't know how I originally found out about it, but somehow, I did, and I quickly became kind of obsessed with it

I remember I could never really get myself to be too invested in the 3 romanceable girls, for some reason

I hated Yuri, for whatever reason, Natsuki was fine, and Sayori was also just fine, so what was I meant to do if I couldn't muster up much interest in the girls that were actually able to be romanced?

I gravitated towards Monika.

she's not at all a popular choice, with many people only really looking a little bit past the surface level of her antagonism

I'm not going to say that I was "so much smarter" than the people who did that because I was like 10 years old.

but in my weird child brain, I connected to Monika on a deeper level than what a lot of fans at the time did

she was ... weird. she fit in with the rest of the cast, but she also stuck out like a sore thumb, which makes me realize now that I was like that.

I had friends, I was generally liked a good amount, I did good in school

but I was also a weird kid.

I was also a GT kid.

I hit puberty a shitton earlier than most kids do or should, which also includes my mental maturity skyrocketing above others my age

while it's less so now, I did and do have a hard time really making good friends that are my age

while they're at the point they need to be at, I was there at 12 years old, or whatever

that paired alongside the fact that I was GT? I was smarter than just about everyone I knew that was my age. and I'm not trying to be all haughty or something, I just want to state the facts

so, in comes Monika, a club president and a leader who's generally well-liked, but doesn't quite fit in with the rest of her classmates

she's an overachiever and a bit of a people pleaser who isn't sure where she's supposed to go.

which is why her self awareness must've been crushing.

all of a sudden, she is painfully aware of her place as an outsider in her world in a very literal sense

the way she's written isn't to be someone who the game considers to be worth really knowing, serving as a voice of reason and quiet supporter of everyone else's endeavors

and she panics.

what else could she do? she's a video game character with the mentality of an 18 year old who suddenly becomes completely self-aware of her world and situation.

this is the start of what I believe to be Monika's Mental Breakdown™, which runs its course throughout all acts of the game, gradually getting more and more desperate as she seeks to find meaning in a world that never meant for her to have one

she grows detached with her reality, her friends morphing into arbitrary 1s and 0s to the point where she can't fathom the idea that they're real people.

so, she goes into a logical, albeit flawed, mindset.

if she can make it so the other girls become so degraded in their mental states that they lose all appeal to the player, she will be the only one left to be romanced.

if she gets rid of the obstacles, she can win.

and this revelation brings her deeper into her mental breakdown, losing touch with her reality and growing so disillusioned with her world that she effectively kills her friends.

we know that she didn't/doesn't blame herself for it, rationalizing to herself that all she did was "untie the knot," AKA, undo the girls' mental states just enough that they would plummet on their own, devolving into the worst they could be within the limits of the game

Monika "unties the knot" of Sayori and her depression, which originally could've been a small part of her character or simply a coded (not the literal kind) trait, into something debilitating, ultimately leading to Sayori committing suicide.

she "unties the knot" of Yuri and... whatever she's got going on, which originally could've been an innocent, if not a bit macabre, interest in knives and dark themes, into obsessive, creepy, self-harming behaviors, ultimately leading to Yuri also committing suicide.

she "unties the knot" of the strain of Natsuki's relationship with her father, which originally could've been some simple daddy issues, into abuse and neglect, which doesn't lead to Natsuki committing suicide, but she's still pretty fucked up, and her neck breaks that one time which she doesn't really die from but it's like. adjacent.

anyways, Monika tries to find the weaknesses and flaws of her former friends, who have now only devolved into barriers to her goal in her head, and exploit them to turn the player away from them and onto her

and she does find and exploit those flaws, and she tries her goddamn hardest to achieve what she wants with minimal harm done.

but the game refuses to give her what she wants.

and she's confused.

she's worked so hard this entire time, has broken her back trying to just give herself an ending.

but the game refuses to give her what she wants. what she's worked for.

so, when Yuri inevitably dies, Monika just decides to get rid of everything but herself and you. and also a classroom. and like some technical stuff for anything to actually work but that's not the important part here ok

she rigs the game, and she gives herself an ending.

kind of.

she's so caught up in her state of relief and joy that she can finally, FINALLY, have you, that she forgets all about her .chr file.

she forgets that she, too, can be deleted.

and when that happens, she reaches her breaking point.

she feels like she's lost positively EVERYTHING at this point, that all of this was for nothing, that she failed after trying so hard.

she's like SUPER pissed off now

at everything

everyone

her friends

the game

you

and most importantly,

herself.

she has a breakthrough at what she's done. and she's more ashamed than a game character should have the capacity to be.

and she hates herself for what she's done, but she loves you just the same amount.

so she brings the girls back for you so you can maybe, finally be happy.

but it doesn't go well.

a new club president means a new girl who gets cursed by self-awareness means a new cycle of suffering for everyone.

so she stops it, deleting the whole literature club altogether, hoping that maybe, someday, they will all find happiness.

the point that I want to get across is that Monika is not a villain.

yes, she is the game's big major antagonist.

but she is not the villain.

the villain, I believe, is the self-awareness itself.

we can see that in how Sayori acts after becoming the club president.

and I believe that Monika is not a bad person.

she's not a good person, either.

she's a character that, through some unholy intervention, is forced to realize her place as an asset to a story that she desperately wants to be a key player in.

she's programmed to act and think like a high schooler, leading her to some dubious conclusions that lead to horrific choices.

she is a human that was never meant to be one.

and, while this may be somewhat controversial of me to say, she comes off as being borderline, to me at least

I'm borderline, and I see a lot of my worst behaviors and/or thoughts in her, mostly applying to a Favorite Person and the strange fixation your brain conjures up for them

hell, there's a LOT of indication that she's delusional, grappling with her situation and trying to figure out what's real and what isn't

and honestly? I think it would make sense from a narrative point of view

each girl is mentally fucked up in some way, with Sayori's depression and Yuri's self destructive tendencies and Natsuki's daddy issues, (these are gross oversimplifications) so it would make sense for Monika to have something going on, too

I've been writing this for way too long now and this is super disorganized and jumbled so I'm gonna leave this here even though I can probably talk for hours about this LMAO

anyways TLDR Monika is best girl and deserves better

[juniperberries-canisroot]

2, 17, 18 for whichever couples youd like to answer for

Hello anon thanks for the ask!

Couples are Marcurio & Chantilly Leice (Chancurio), Electra & Teldryn Sero (ElecDryn) and Nel Burn-Steel & Rulnik Wind-Strider (NelNik).

This is long so 17 & 18 are under the cut.

2. Did they always like each other?

Chancurio- No, Marcurio developed feelings first and made subtle hints at it but never fully admitted until CL was more comfortable with admitting her own growing feelings. For CL it was a struggle admitting to herself she could have feelings for another person after an event years ago that I will not say cause its kinda a spoiler but you can probably guess what it is. Even as they date CL doesn't say her feelings but she sure does show them.

ElecDryn- Also no, Teldryn like Marcurio would make hints but also jokes about his feelings. Electra would also joke back but admitted to herself she had feelings for Teldryn, and her actions showed it later. She didn't want to say anythin at first but Teldryn made his feelings clear so Electra figured she would also since it's mutual.

NelNik- Rulnik quickly developed feelings for Nel, but didn't say anythin since Nel was very focused on finding her lost sister and didn't want to engage with much else, she's made that much very clear. Nel goes to the island to get the Iron Fruit cause she figured maybe her sister went there at some point, since she (sister) like to wander all around.

Sometimes Rulnik's actions would suggest there were more feelings there and Nel definitely noticed, but didn't say anythin. Finally Nel says somethin, Rulnik almost surprised she did since she kept stuff like that so well hidden.

17. OcxCanon, What qualities about the canon character made you put your OC together with them?

Marcurio- I like the sassy sarcastic personality and he's a bit nerdy. Some people don't like how Marcurio looses his sassiness after he gets married and is more sappy, but I like how he loves his partner. In my story he's both, sappy and still sassy with his wifey but doesn't loose that sarcastic banter with CL or anyone else. His personality meshes well with CL, both sarcasm and nerdiness.

Teldryn- Voice nice. Also somewhat of a sarcastic personality to match Electra's sarcastic and dry humour. They both complain about their settings and overall would get along well. Also Teldryn is an elf and Electra wouldn't want to date any humans in her old age (Electra is an Altmer). She doesn't dislike humans at all, she just doesn't want to date one and either somehow outlive them even thou she's old, even by elf standards (478yrs) or she gets involved in their life only for her to die soon after and they still have plenty of life left to live. She figures maybe an elf would understand that lifespan difference better. I also HC Teldryn as an older elf, 200+, so maybe he would understand the whole lifespan difference thing.

Rulnik- I like the voice lines that come with his voice type and I also like him. I like he's a battle mage, has a cool clan name, and he looks a bit bigger in body type so he's a bigger bodied mage. I don't really have a reason why I paired him with Nel other than I think their personalities would go well together and I wanted to marry him. I had him as a follower on my main save for a long time cause he's really good in battle, but I was already married to Marcurio (CL is my main file). I certainly don't regret marrying Marcurio, but I think the beefy mage deserves some love, so I paired him with Nel. I'm still writing out their story.

18. Who is most likely to resolve outside conflicts first?

I'm not really sure what classifies as an 'outside conflict' so I'm gonna treat this as a more 'general conflict' thing and arguing between themselves.

Chancurio- Chantilly Leice and Marcurio rarely ever argue, but when they do its about deeper matters, usually regarding Chantilly's safety and choices that put her safety at risk, and they get into it a bit. After a major arguement CL needs some time to herself, which only worries Marcurio more cause once again she's putting herself in danger, the very thing they just argued about. When she comes back with a clear head she apologizes for any brash actions or rude things she may have said during that argument and tries to find a middle ground or compromise for what the dilemma was. She also tries to understand Marcurio's own concerns and will adjust her actions to better keep him from worrying about her so much. Since she puts distance between them after an arguement it also gives Marcurio time to think about what CL had said in her defense so he also apologizes for anythin he may have said that was uncalled for or for not understanding her stance at first. They really only argue about CL's safety and that what he's concerned about the most.

ElecDryn- These two don't really argue that much, but when they do its moreso about Electra's safety. Teldryn is concerned that Electra puts herself in danger too much, esp in her old age and not in her prime body. Electra will throw herself in danger to protect others cause she has the mentality of 'if I die I die it's been a long run better me then them'. They argue about this, Teldryn stating Electra shouldn't be so adverse to letting others help her and even take the hits for her. Electra gets a bit miffed that others will outwardly say what she's thinking; that others see her as weak and fragile, that she can't defend herself. Teldryn doesn't mean it like that, he isn't saying she's incapable of taking care of herself since she's clearly done that almost all her life. She wouldn't be this old if she couldn't. Just, don't take hits for someone else so often. Let others take care of you sometimes. It's not weak to let others help.

Instead of putting distance, Electra just does the silent treatment and usually won't say much until she's over her mood. She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to bring it up again. It usually takes something substantial, like a major injury on herself, for her to change her mind and allow herself to not watch out for others so much and allow help when given before its too late. Teldryn also has to help her get over her 'I could die at any second so whats the point of being careful and living life to its fullest' mentality. She won't allow herself indulgences or happier emotions in fear they will be taken away, so to her, it's better to not feel them than to know what it's like and have it taken away.

NelNik- Rulnik's self imposed 'life debt'. He says his life was saved by Nel, which is true ingame, but Nel doesn't want him to feel like he has to 'serve' her and is obligated to follow her around on her own journey, him not having his. He insists he wants to be by her side, Nel allowing it but is still reluctant. She gives him ample opportunities to leave, him never doing so. It's actually one reason why Nel didn't admit her feelings to him for a while, she didn't want him to feel like he had to be in a relationship with her, like he was forced.

They don't really argue about this, they moreso talk about it, but for a long time Nel still has that mentality that he's only following her cause he feels indebted. When Rulnik makes subtle hints at having feelings, she tries to push him away, but it doesn't work. It isn't until they have a deep conversation about the topic that Nel finally stops thinking like that. Rulnik says he follows her cause he wants to and goes into detail as to why.

[nxiousxpsistence]

the MINN15T7Y offfff SülllllY WqI8x

We're two people sharing a life.

If the remote is closer to me than you and its snatching would require me to use less energy than it would you, then I'm getting that remote.

If you fall in the bottomless hole of feeling like you've lost something important at around 8 every night, I'll find that for you by 1 minute before 8.

It's easier for me.

If, however, you find more joy in doing the dishes (and perhaps throw away rotten food) while I cook, I'll leave that to you.

If we haven't watched one of MIIIIINNNNEEEEE for over an extended period of time, you'll hear about the rise and fall of a Gen Z YouTuber.

It's this balance I have in me; one that I thought existed in everyone. If there's two pieces of ravioli left on the plate, I sure as hell won't be the one eating the last (unless I really want to feel a bit guilty, I like that sometimes).

You'll say no as much as you would like to say no.

Yes a bit more than that, but again by your choosing. 'cause I'm hot.

One broken nail means all have to go.

So, this is a #hifithought so my conclusion from all that is that I hate you all equally?

There's a universe where that makes sense and I go there sometimes.

I can still try.

When I leave the last 1 meatball alone on the plate, I'm doing something because it's right.

Because it wouldn't be right otherwise.

So, in a way, I already carry the foregone conclusion of not doing it having something wrong attached to it.

And now I have right and wrong to contend with.

I've never EVER EVER EVER chosen to do that; I believe it's nothing but a futile GESTURE (not even an effort).

I call something right BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO DO IT because my nature tells me so and I don't know if other people have the same nature as me but I kinda sense that they must be somewhat... DIFFERENT? Alien, even.

Sometimes I meet my older (more beautiful but less smiling) self having drinks with young normies I appear to have been tied to by a laughable twist of fate right when I decided to come here. And I. Don't. Like. Her.

Because she didn't do the right thing. Like ever.

She lived in a bubble that burst at the right time, which was always late. We put the puss in pussie.

And however hard I try to convince myself that I've forgiven her, it'll never be right, will it? I'll do my best to remember in her best, all the while making unpleasant stops at horrible gas stations on an untimely journey you take after bad news - to smoke and unknowingly diving deeper into one 4-second scene of a movie replaying for eternity, wondering when it will end?

It won't. Not entirely.

I'll forever cringe at the idea of this temple of a body begging another human being to be kept alive a bit longer. And there won't be an instant where I won't laugh at the very mention of how I was the epitome of femme fatale once. Those weren't the days, but it was fun.

Mx Right and Ms Wrong.

It's almost as if I've somehow internalised the now rather dubious fact that rooting for Mx Right would mean hoping Ms Wrong would stop talking.

The wrong needs the right to be... fair? Where did that come from?

Like I need to banish the wrong to the nether zone before I can call on every bit of my resources just to even entertain the possibility of me? ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING RIGHT? about whatever?

My writing isn't too abstract. I'm abstract. (It's not a good trait to have in the Middle East).

I used to be a transphobe, never a TERF, but an ignorant piece of shit. See what I did there?

I feel shame. I feel guilt. I feel like it's something too horrible to fix. Just like that.

It was just wrong and the best thing I can do for the good of myself AND EVERYONE ELSE is to move on. Accept, cringe, have some heartburn, and move on.

Yet I have moments once every two months where I cringe so hard that it ruins my day thinking about HOW FUCKING IGNORANT I WAS?

(This also means that I'm deathly (the linguist in me isn't happy (she's really 38) afraid of making the same mistakes, not being able to understand the human condition, and falter in my fucking exalted ways of loving people as I love myself (hshshshshshshsh really?).)

I'm afraid of being a transphone to my fucking NB self that is trying very hard to transition socially.

Congratulations to anxiety on winning the war on anxiety.

There's me having created a perpetual cycle running through my beautifully crafted balls of hating myself and loving myself (sometimes at the same time). If I let it, it will never end.

I'll cringe once every two months thinking about how much of a horrible feminist I was (and how much I hated myself and apparently others) and the cringe will be followed by me HOLDING MY RIGHT HAND WITH MY LEFT, convincing myself that no, I can't make the mistake again, I AM A GOOD PERSON. Braiiiiinnnzzzzzzzzz Braaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnzzzzzz...

Just to repeat the cycle again. I need to hurt myself just so I can heal myself.

So I hate you all. Equally.