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missameliep · 4 months ago

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Title: All The Things I'll Never Tell My Mother - Part 1

Book: Desire & Decorum AU

Pairing: Ernest Sinclaire x Hayley Parker (OC); Prince Hamid x Elizabeth Foredale (OC)

Rating: Teen and up (see A/N)

Word count: ~3.2k

Summary: For the past ten years, Hayley and Ernest always celebrated their anniversary. At the eve of the first celebration after their baby daughter was born, someone's got to compromise and a babysitter must be arranged - or maybe two.

A/N: English is not my native language; TW: mentions of pregnancy, breastfeeding and past trauma; the concept for this fic was inspired by @choicesficwriterscreations' event CFWC Female Characters Week 2021 and is part of a collab with the very talented Noe (@rosesnink) from whom I'm borrowing Hayley Parker. The fic focuses on issues like motherhood, past losses and the friendship between these two very different women.

Since it's still Women's International Day where I live, I decided it was past the time to finally post this story.

This first part is a submission to @choicesmothlychallenge - prompt 5. tranquility + 6. the scent of water (rain).

The lyrics are from Tu Vois C’que J’vois by Vanessa Paradis and the non-English words are translated in the end notes.

Sitting at the rocking chair while breastfeeding Alaska, Hayley sings in a low and melodic voice:

N'aie pas peur qu'elles se brûlent Tes ailes

N'aie pas peur qu'elles s'emmêlent

Ma belle

Elles ne sont pas fragiles

Tes ailes

Ma belle

The six-months-old baby has her blue eyes fixed on her mother’s face.

For the second day in a row, the rain pours down gently, but persistently. Tiny droplets zigzag downwards, creating intricate patterns on the windows. The steady drumming of the rain creates the perfect atmosphere for her melodious voice to lull her baby daughter to sleep. Also creates the kind of memory she will treasure for life.

The sounds at Ledford Park are nothing like London.

There is a serenity in that old manor Hayley appreciates since before she understood her soul craved that quiet. Her entire life has been the opposite of peaceful or quiet. Always on the move. Impatience and restlessness stirring her to move forward, searching for something she was not entire sure.

From childhood to early adulthood, her life has been stricken by pain and loss and death – too much death; her world has been dark, unpredictable, and dangerous. No place for softness, no place for weakness. Skin too tough. Eyes used to spot the worst in people, especially in the ones skilled in hiding their evil behind pearly white smiles and elegant manners.

More than the bulletproof vest, the unapproachable manners mastered along the years were more effectively to keep her safe.

At least, that is what she thought back then.

Life would take an unexpected turn. Fate would bestow her precisely what lacked in her life, the people who would teach her so much about love, the ones who would become her family. She smiles, looking around. The nursery was a collective work from herself, her husband and mother-in-law, everyone bringing something to create a haven for their little girl.

Ten years ago, if asked where she would see herself now, this would not be it. Cradling a small baby in her arms was the least plausible scenario. Even though she always had a strong desire of becoming a mother, due to all the circumstances, she thought it was just wishful thinking. Until returning to England and finding love in one of her oldest friends; then dream became reality.

The baby’s vivacious blue eyes find her mother’s, for a moment, Alaska stops sucking on the nipple and flashes a small – still toothless for now – smile, and Hayley grins at her daughter.

The little one – well, maybe not so little, she takes after her father on his heights after all – looks so comfortable in her arms, relaxed and safe. This sight warms Hayley’s heart and fills it with the immeasurable love she has been experiencing since that morning the heartbeats, steady and fast-paced, brought tears to her eyes at the doctor’s office.

“Mi cielito [1],” Hayley said softly, stroking the baby’s cheek, “you’re doing so great…”

These words are a compliment that fit well both mother and daughter’s experiences so far. The latter is growing strong, healthy and seems to learn a new skill every day, while the other is also growing and learning. With every challenge, she is learning how to be the mother her baby daughter needs. All the self-doubt that increased during the pregnancy with the closeness of her due-date, and all the worries about being too rough and unequipped to be a mother and failing her darling daughter in thousands of hypothetical scenarios, slowly gave way to an increasing confidence on her own strength, abilities, and body.

For years, Hayley had so few people around in who she could trust, that basically she could only rely on herself. More than occasionally her fists and legs have bought her way out of tough situations, and she has knocked out more than a few arseholes in the process. Brute force never lacked in her life nor bravery. People say she’s rude and scary; how could she ever become motherly and nurturing? That’s a whole different game to play... something that can be more extenuating and demanding of her body and mind than the many hours of training martial arts she’s used to.

After breeding a full human being in her womb and giving birth to this extraordinary individual, she has discovered how many more exceptional things she could undertake. How much braver she could be.

On this journey, she also learned how wonderful to count on her husband and especially on her mother-in-law. Throughout these past months, Mrs. Sinclaire became a true mother to her, the one she could count on to ease her fears about breastfeeding and nurturing her baby, providing the information and the necessary boost in her confidence. And six months later, they have succeeded. An unthinkable milestone.

Eyes closed, Hayley resumes singing. The French lyrics soft rolling from her tongue.

Sporting his black pyjamas, Ernest walks inside the nursery, silently carrying a glass and a bottle of water. Hayley always gets thirsty while breastfeeding, yet she never remembers to bring a bottle of water to keep close; Ernest, on the other hand, always does.

His blues eyes are tender when he contemplates both at the armchair before his attention returns to the water being poured into the clear glass.

“Have some water, love.”

The man’s deep voice catches the little girl’s attention. Searching for him, her face swivels, pulling the nipple with her, and making Hayley hiss with pain. The smile is erased from his lips and Ernest mouths “sorry”, but Hayley simply shakes her head.

“Thank you, mí amor. You’re such a mind reader,” she says softly, downing almost the entire glass in one go.

His long fingers go through Alaska’s velvety golden strands, and the little girl’s eyes sparkle. Babbling in that way that makes his heart soar, she stretches her little arms to him, forgetting her mother entirely.

“Daddy’s girl,” Hayley huffs, but there is no real annoyance in her tone or expression.

A low chuckle rumbles in his chest, a mix of happiness and pride.

“She missed me as much as I missed her. Isn’t that right, my little princess?” Ernest replies to the teasing, picking the little girl up, and Hayley buttons her shirt up, covering her breasts.

Her eyes follow the pair, father and daughter strolling around the room, while Ernest resumes singing the same melody, while rubbing the baby’s back very gently. Then, his feet sway from side to side in a perfect execution of the ballroom dance he learned years ago – a fresh new use to this undervalued skill.

The baby’s head rests against his neck, and Alaska’s chubby little fingers clutch around the pyjamas’ lapel. Soon, her eyes flutter closed, the last drops of her energy fading away.

Hayley helps him put her down in the crib and turns the rabbit-shaped night light Alaska already adores. He tucks his daughter in, despite both knowing it won’t be long until she uncovers herself, and his eyes linger inside that crib. Hayley can read all the concerns filling his mind and creasing his forehead.

Finally, Ernest took the baby monitor and followed her outside. Hand in hand, they walked to their room beside the nursery.

They settle on their comfortable night routine, talking about the day and enjoying each other’s company. After finishing applying the moisturizer, Hayley got in bed and nestled in Ernest’s arm. Eyes unwavering from the book he is reading, he presses a gentle kiss to her temple.

“I talked to Hamid today,” she said, and Ernest glanced at her over the book. “He’ll take the train and be here by four o’clock. So, we don’t have to worry about feeding Alaska and getting late to the restaurant…”

Sighing, Ernest closed the book and removed his glasses, placing both over the nightstand.

“Hayley,” he whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose. Hayley knows exactly what that means; hence she sits straighter too. “We should postpone our dinner. Wait until mother returns from her trip.”

“Ernest.” Hayley cupped his cheek, and spoke softly, “In ten years, we never missed an anniversary. Not even when you got food poisoning…”

“It was different then, love… I’m not confident Hamid can take proper care of our baby. Our little darling can be very demanding.”

“Hamid is great with kids! You’ve seen him around his nephews and nieces last time his family came to London!”

“They are not babies.”

“But they used to be... and he’s used to babysitting when he visits them at Istanbul… Besides, Alaska adores him already. It’s not like leaving her with a complete stranger...”

“Last time he came, she was so worked up, it was past midnight when she finally fell asleep…”

“It was an atypical night, amor [2]. The house was packed, there was music… and she had so much fun with everyone… It is good to see her with our friends. They adore her.”

“Perhaps we should ask Elizabeth to come along...”

Hayley frowned. “Why? She’s swamped working in her thesis and the work with her father...”

“I am certain she would appreciate a break and the opportunity to come to the countryside and see us...”

“Hamid can do it,” Hayley rebuked firmly, and Ernest cocked an eyebrow.

“He can! And Liz has zero experience with babies, Ernest.”

“I trust her. She’s responsible, organized and can follow directions…”

“Our daughter is not one of her projects.” Hayley squinted her eyes at him, and realization dawned on her. “Do you think she would be better with our princess because she’s a woman?”

“No, of course not!” he denied with conviction in his voice, but his answer didn’t ease the indignation in her stare whether it was real or fake.

“You don’t think a man can take care of a baby?”

“I just think Hamid is too –” he paused in search of an appropriate word. Hayley and Hamid are long-time friends and the last thing he wishes is to offend him and upset her. He takes a deep breath and settles with a word that has not a negative connotation per se. “Playful. He is too playful.”

Hayley snorted with laughter. “I know him far too long to know he can handle it. Maybe we should bet who would do it better: Hamid or Liz. We can set nanny-cams around the house –”

“I’m not betting on our daughter’s well-being!” he protested, cutting her off, and Hayley bit back a laugh and closed the distance.

“I was obviously joking, my love,” she said and pecked him on the lips.

His brow furrowed again, and he gave her one of his serious looks. “It was not funny and –” he tried to retort but Hayley interrupted with another quick kiss while giving him the famous puppy eyes he cannot resist. One more kiss and his expression softens.

“Now, sleep,” she said, curling a lock of his hair around her finger, “because this little princess will become an ogre if she doesn’t get enough hours of sleep before Alaska wakes...”

Smiling, he nodded. Pulling her closer to his chest, Hayley covered herself with the duvet and let out a contented sigh in the circle of his arms, snuggling even closer to his utmost delight.

“My love,” Ernest said softly into her ear, “I will be more confident leaving my little princess if Elizabeth is here with her.”

“Alright,” Hayley agreed at last, since it would be the first time they would leave Alaska with someone other than Mrs. Sinclaire. “We’ll call her in the morning. But –” She poked his chest and stared into his eyes. “– we’re not rescheduling if she can’t make it.”

When Sinclaire and Hayley called her this morning, Elizabeth’s first instinct – and the second and third too – was to decline their request.

What do I even know about babies?

Aside from the theory, which consists of one podcast about breastfeeding and nutrition – which further confused her –, two of the articles recommended by Sinclaire and random searches over the internet, she has no experience whatsoever on the matter. One can be theoretical on plenty of subjects, but when it comes to babies and caring for them, Elizabeth suspects, this is not the case.

Hopefully, her lack of knowledge and experience can be compensated by Hamid’s.

When he heard about the call, he was exultant, going on and on about the delightful time he spends in the company of his nieces and nephews and younger cousins whenever he’s at Istanbul. He almost convinced her this would be a wonderful opportunity for them to have fun with a cute baby and spend time in each other’s company since her work and writing her thesis have been keeping them too many days apart.

His thumb gently strokes her skin, while he holds her free hand.

Her gaze momentarily slips from the article on nappy rashes – she has no idea how the research on baby’s behaviour even led to this one –, and she steals a side-way glance at him. Grinning, he takes in every sight of the English countryside passing them by. It is a short drive from the train station to Ledford Park, and it’s possible to contemplate the silhouette of the manor from afar.

Over the years, Elizabeth has paid more than a handful social visits to the Sinclaires, however today the sight of the imposing manor brings uneasiness, a queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that reminded the unsettlement experienced before crucial exams.

“What a magnificent architecture!” Hamid’s excited voice interrupted her musings, and she turned to look at him. A small nod in agreement was all she could muster while he shared excited words about the building and its surrounding gardens.

He holds the door open for her, like he usually does, and Elizabeth gets out of the car, carrying the duffle bag, which is light as a feather compared to the worries weighting on her shoulders.

“With this light, it looks like the perfect setting for one of those period dramas you love, no?”

He immediately bows and greets her with a flourish.

“Good day, my lady! May you concede this poor love-stricken man the pleasure of escorting you to your destination?” he asked with a plummy accent, and she cannot help but giggle, momentarily forgetting the issues troubling her mind.

There’s something about him that always makes her smile, no matter the circumstance. Or perhaps, sensing her worries, he takes upon himself the task to ease her frown and her heart. Either way, she appreciates it. And most of all she appreciates him.

With an equally pompous tone, Elizabeth replied with a smile hidden by an imaginary fan, “It would be my utmost pleasure to oblige, kind sir.” Letting him take her hand and tuck into the crook of his elbow, she smiles. The first genuine smile ever since they stepped into the train station at London.

“That smile alone shall brighten the grimmest of my days whenever I’m not basking in your presence, my dearest,” he whispered and with poise guides her from the drive towards the steps.

Her confidence falters, and she gazes over her shoulder. The cab that brought them from the train station drives away and slowly disappears after the manicured gardens.

Hamid looks back too and tries to meet her eyes.

“Something wrong, aşkim [3]?” he asked softly, “Did you forget something in the car?”

“No, nothing like that…” she mumbled, fighting the embarrassment. “It’s just… I... I’m worried. What if I break it?”

“Break it?” he echoed her words with confusion.

“The baby.”

Unable to hide his amusement, Hamid failed to stifle a laugh. “Don’t let Sinclaire hear you talk like that!”

His banter earned a serious stare from her, and he stopped laughing, but conserved an eye crinkling smile. “What troubles your mind?”

“Babies are tiny… and kind of mushy...”

“Have you been paying attention to Alaska at all? She’s possibly the biggest baby I’ve seen in a long time... and can already sit on her own. You’ll see. It’ll be easier than you think.”

Elizabeth flashes a tight-lipped smile in return, and he gives a reassuring squeeze in the hand tucked in the crook of his arm. They resume walking, but soon he stops. Probably sensing his words did very little to ease the panic in her eyes, he gently turned her to face him.

“Come here.” His strong arms pulled her to a tight embrace, the kind that she believes could mend together everything that has ever been broken inside of her, and she lets out a deep breath. When he pulled away slightly, a warm soft palm rested on her cheek. She tilted her head to revel on it and her gaze met his.

“If you are uncomfortable with this, Liz, you should tell them.”

“I can’t do that.” Her long curly hair swayed from side to side while she shook her head. “They are counting on me… and I want to help. Couples need to spend time alone… Do you know how many couples divorce after they have a baby?”

“I have no idea, but I’m certain you know the answer to that question.” Smiling, he stroked her cheek, his thumb caressing her skin very gently. “I’m already here to take care of the baby, so you can just sit pretty and be the muse of all the songs I’m planning on singing.”

“I won’t let you do all the work…”

“I was going to do everything by myself before. Remember? Sinclaire only called you here to supervise me.”

“Oh!” Her eyebrows knitted together. “And you’re not upset?”

“It’s his baby.” Hamid shrugged. “His concern is understandable. I know it’s nothing personal.”

She looks at him, contemplating the way his eyes are so tender, unwavering from hers.

“Is there something on my face?”

This time, her hand reached out and the backs of it stroked his cheeks. Raising to her tiptoes, her lips touched his in a soft kiss. It does not matter how many times they kissed in the past year her heart always races a little bit faster whenever they do.

Smiling against her lips, Hamid let a content sigh and gazed at her with adoring eyes. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Or you. But I’m grateful.”

“You’re a wonderful man.”

She kissed him again and Hamid’s bag slipped down his shoulder, and he allowed gravity to do its trick. After it fell to the ground with a dull thump, he wrapped his arms around her waist, and she used the boost to throw her free arm around his neck, pulling herself closer and letting her lips glide against his.

“If you don’t stop kissing me like that...” he breathed against her mouth, “I don’t think I’ll be able to babysit at all... Then Hayley will be mad... And I’ll blame you.”

"Alright. No more kissing." She giggled and with her thumb wiped the lipstick marks staining his shapely lips and the warm soft skin surrounding them.

“Maybe just one more, and we go inside."

==============================

Notes:

Mi cielito (Spanish) - means "my little heaven" and is used as a term of enderament that can be translated as my darling or sweetheat.

Amor (Spanish) - means love.

Aşkim (Turkish) - a term of endearment that translates as my love.

Thanks for reading!

#desire and decorum #ernest sinclaire #prince hamid #choices fanfic #desire & decorum #desire and decorum AU #ernest sinclaire x oc #ernest sinclaire x hayley parker #prince hamid x oc #hamid x elizabeth #oc: hayley parker #oc: elizabeth foredale #motherhood

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