#people who actually have said disabilities terribly and makes us seem like we’re being ignored

[semifemme]

STIMMING NOT TWITCHING OR SHIVERING ‼️‼️

ITS CALLED STIMMING GOD IM SSUCH A DUMBASS

DISREGARD THAT PART IN FUCKSHITPOST 4.86

I CAN STIM IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME NOW WITHOUT ANYONE TO JUDGE AND ADMONISH ME BECAUSE I AM VERY VERY NEUROTYPICAL PRESENTING TO THE POINT PEOPLE REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT I AM YKNOW EVERYTHING NO ONE WANTS TO BELIEVE IM AUTISTIC DESPITE BEING DIAGNOSED AT 2YO AND BEING NONVERBAL AND HAVING TO BE PUT IN THERAPY FOR YEARS BCS OF THAT PEOPLE R SHITTY SOMETIMES :(

[transsexualhamlet]

me going off about yoichi again

What the fandom sees Yoichi as: basic ass katy perry song from 2014

What Yoichi actually is: Karma by ajr

I mean, I don’t really know how this applies to the fandom now, but it’s definitely anime fans and most yoichi fans. I just, I wanted to watch a yoichi amv because I was working on Yoichi stuff but like. I could not find a SINGLE one that was even voiced by a guy?

Now, in general, that’s not an issue, just because he’s a guy obviously doesn’t mean that he can’t have a girl song because that would be dumb to say so. But that’s just not something I see for anyone else. When I see Mika or Guren or Yu centric amvs and stuff, there’s plenty of edgy boi songs and shit. Sometimes Mika gets sexy bitch songs as a joke, but when they’re actually trying to be about that character, they’re all songs sung by dudes. 

And I mean, I just...

Here.

Yeah so @autpunk-godling​ and I like to complain about kagami I know but right now I’d like to complain about the fandom

I don’t really think it’s any of you on tumblr to be honest but it’s just the shit I’ve seen from a few years ago

Yes we’ve established that Yoichi isn’t a smol baby bean boi so fucking stop, a lot of people just kinda ignore that but even without the manga, even without taking into consideration a single thing he said in chapter 51 onwards, the way that the fandom likes to see him is just... not right.

yeah I’m defending him bc i’m a yoichi kinnie go off ig

Jupiter’s response pretty much sums it up but basically it boils down to

1. fangirls who see yoichi, think “gay”, and think they know his entire character because of a stereotype, honestly this was probably something to do with kagami, I feel like I’ve heard around for a long time Yu was supposed to have a fucking harem like guren and they just basically never developed yoichi beyond ‘clearly is gay for yu as a plot point for like three episodes before forgetting about him after school arc’

2. The fans basically just thinking that he just ✨ tried harder ✨ not to have trauma and now he’s fucking fine, I was glad to see that wasn’t the case but people don’t understand how or why it happened, I’ll gladly explain

3. People forget so easily how terrible he had it. It’s not just “gay boy fucking mans up” it’s “gay boy is consistently told for eight years that he’s completely useless if he can’t kill things and every trait he has is terrible because it’s weak and associated with gayness so he internalizes that to an unhealthy degree”

I mean, I’ll try to explain how I see his character, but yeah.

Back to my “I don’t understand how people were suprised when Yoichi admitted he would have killed himself if Yu hadn’t showed up” point... do you remember what he was like back in school arc?

He was not ok. Bro, that guy was so soft and scared. He didn’t want to hurt or offend anyone. He didn’t want to get into any conflict and his first instinct was to submit to abuse or run away. He was desperate for validation and friendship, and he fell for things like bullying easily because he wouldn’t fight back and he wanted someone to like him so bad. He didn’t really want to be in the army, he was glad he got saved even if his sister didn’t make it, he didn’t truly want revenge. Obviously he wasn’t over it, but he didn’t think “boy howdy do I want to kill a vampire”. 

The only reason that he got so stuck on that was because it’s been pounded into his head from moment one. He got called every manner of weak, weakling, wuss, crybaby you can think of by not just shitty high schoolers but by authority figures. They live in a militarized society where your worth is determined by your physical and mental strength, so people with disabilities, mental illnesses, shit like that- they’re not doing so hot. Their way of dealing with Kids Have Trauma is “get over it” or “seek revenge against the vampires who did it”. This is actually a thing Kureto stated very clearly at the beginning of resurrection when he gave his dumbass speech to a bunch of traumatized 11 year olds right after the catastrophe. He’s weaponizing a bunch of kids by putting all these ideas into their head- giving them all fucking hero and martyr complexes because it makes them better soldiers. He tells them that they should want to get revenge and they should be strong and suck it up and use strong emotions against them.

So Yoichi basically grew up conditioned to absolutely fucking hate himself because that’s the ideal. He isn’t like that, and so he sees Yu who is basically the shining example of that kind of thinking, at that point in time. Basically just toxic masculinity central. He’s aggressive and strong, is much quicker to pull a sword on someone than hold out a hand, doesn’t want to make friends, he’s serious and dead set on revenge, he doesn’t cry in front of people and he uses his trauma as a weapon. Yu’s actually a total dick at the beginning of the story, to be honest, and I was surpised to find out the shit he said straight to Yoichi’s face. “give up” “weaklings like you would only get in the way” “nice guys like you shouldn’t be here” “we’re not here to make friends” basically telling him to suck it up or leave, bro, the dude was a fucking jackass to Yoichi, and Yoichi internalizes everything these people say to him, he believes every terrible thing people say.

And Yoichi still completely idolizes him because that’s everything Yoichi isn’t, as this obviously queer coded side character, and everything Yoichi is told he’s supposed to be. *clears throat* toxic masculinity

So in the beginning of the story Yoichi aspires to people like Yu and Kimizuki who are very,,, not open with their emotions. Gee whiz I wonder why he’s keeping up this facade to all his friends instead of trying to sit down and talk about how fucked up he is now. But let’s now talk about how Yoichi got to be the way he is now.

People, again, seem to think that when he got a demon he just decided to stop being traumatized or something, that he just finally got the strength to deal with that and it wasn’t a problem again because he gained confidence. But uh... remember what actually snapped him out of being possessed? You’d immediately go to Yu, but when Yu said all those idealistic things about friendship, Yoichi was still pointing his weapon at Yu. What actually stopped him?

Right after that, it was Guren telling him that becoming a demon was the equivalent to running away and hiding. (which, well, guren, I have a few things to say about that but)

He didn’t stop having those internalized ideals, the things he’d been told over years didn’t just go away or suddenly work at “fixing” him. He was just accused another time of being weak. He didn’t get over or resolve his trauma in any way, he just found a different way to deal with it, with a demon. The reason this actually works for him is that if you’ve literally ever looked closely at the times Yoichi interacts with demon stuff, he’s very innately talented at it, which is odd. He was completely immune to Guren’s test, he came back from being possessed out of sheer force of will, he learned manifestation by himself, he talks to his demon like he’s the one that Gekkouin should be scared of. He finally found something he was good at, that made him strong, and boy, he really clung to that one. He found a way to make himself the ideal they all wanted: in control, powerful, an asset to the team, stuck on revenge and without hesitation to kill- even if it’s not really something he should aspire to be. He just hides the fact that it’s a problem even more because it’s not something he’s supposed to talk about. because. toxic masculinity-

And so if you realize that, it’s not very surprising to see that reveal coming the whole time.

Simply put, if you liked yoichi, y’all should have realized he was never ok. Boy’s got issues. He’s a really complex character that, well, kagami kind of fails to do justice, but the fandom just kind of warps into smol uwu bean boi I could go on but my brain isn’t working so take this

[jeezlouiseoncheese]

Some thoughts on My Hero Academia

(please keep in mind that is based off my knowledge of the anime, I haven’t read the manga nor have I watched the movies)

-villain deku is lame because most of the time he barely has a motive other than getting revenge for people who wronged him (e.g. his bullies) which is a terrible motive ESPECIALLY for a villain that people hype up as super scary and powerful

-villain deku also just makes no sense character wise. I mean yeah, I get that the whole personality change is kinda the main point of it, but logistically it just wouldn’t happen without something really big happening to Deku to change his perspective. Being a hero has been his dream his whole life, why would he just randomly give it up because he’s getting bullied for it? Even when he was considering giving it up because his hero had told him to, he wasn’t angry or vengeful, he was depressed. He just wouldn’t react to it like that.

-villain Bakugo is better than villain deku, but it has its flaws too. Bakugo absolutely has the motivation to become a villain, because of how poorly hero society has treated him for having a ‘villainous’ Quirk. He’s been traumatised under the care of his teachers and has had nothing done to make sure he’s okay mentally or psychologically. Plus, he is naturally a very angry and vengeful person, so it would make sense that he’d want revenge for the way he’s been treated. However, he’s also very stubborn and very passionate about his dream of being the number one hero, so it’s still a bit hard to believe he’d just completely turn away from that, especially when he’s been called a villain by people around him-- which probably just reinforces his desire to become a hero, so that he can prove them wrong. 

-Villain Bakugo is nonsensical because of his passion about becoming a hero, BUT AUs in which he is an activist against Quirkism (is that a term? Idk if it is but I don’t know how else to describe it, what I mean by that is a bias against and for certain Quirks) make much more sense because then he can get revenge for his mistreatment by solving it at its root. However this is a bit tricky because if he’s fighting against Quirkism he should also be fighting against the marginalisation of Quirkless people, and I’m still unsure if he’s changed his views on Quirklessness since his character development or not bc it’s not really discussed much in the show 

-also deaf Jirou AUs are wayy better than deaf Bakugo AUs because they have a lot more potential as Jirou loves music so much. I mean seriously this AU needs more attention

-while we’re on the topic of AUs, an Amputee Deku AU would be so interesting. Like imagine he actually breaks his arm to the point he can’t use them anymore, and how everyone would react to that. Think of how people would judge him, how it would make him feel, how it would affect disabled people to see a hero who is an amputee. There’s just so much hidden potential.

-the lack of attention being brought to how judgemental and biased society is against certain types of Quirks and the extreme commercialisation of heroism is upsetting to me personally because honestly the worldbuilding of My Hero Academia is so cool and interesting and it really makes me think but it barely ever gets explored. The socio-political implications of it are so interesting yet they are repeatedly ignored and it’s frustrating. 

-Why do the police not apprehend small-scale villains? Like literally what do they do if not that? THE POLICE IN MHA ARE FUNCTIONALLY USELESS AND ITS LITERALLY SO ANNOYING. I may be dumb and not know any other use for police but like, what is the actual difference between a police officer and a Pro Hero besides the colourful outfit and hero name? there’s literally no difference. Pro Heroes are just police officers turned into celebrities for the sake of profit. It’s literally capitalism at its finest.

-also on the subject of pro heroes, Stain is an idiot for blaming the heroes instead of the companies. When it comes to societal issues it is almost always the big corporations and companies at fault, because they have the most power and influence. He was completely right about the word ‘hero’ losing its meaning but his conclusion that the pro heroes are at fault for that is bullshit. 

-to add on to the whole thing about words losing their meaning due to hero society, ‘villain’ has lost its meaning too. Like in the first episode of the anime, the first example they give of a ‘villain’ is a guy stealing someone’s purse (I think? I haven’t watched the first episode in a while, but I remember it wasn’t a major crime) which is like, super confusing. I literally remember Kamui Woods calling the guy something like ‘epitome of evil’ or some shit like that, as if this guy had committed mass murder or something. That guy was a criminal, but he didn’t seem to have a history with it as far as we know, and he wasn’t planning on destroying the whole world or something, so he really doesn’t seem like a villain. Yet people identify him as one simply because he committed a crime. Does that mean illegally downloading movies makes you a villain? Are you a villain if you do drugs? What does villain even mean? The line between criminal and villain is practically non-existent to the point where I’m not even sure they’re two different things in the show. 

-also the fact that a good chunk of people with Quirks emit them from one or more parts of their body, usually their limbs (e.g. Bakugo, Shoji, Jirou, Shigaraki) makes such unused potential for villains. Like you could literally make a person functionally Quirkless by cutting off a part of their body, why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet

I’ve just realised how many times I’ve used the word ‘potential’ in this rant. Eh, who cares, it’s not like I’m gonna change it. Anyway, I think that’s all. If anything I said above is disproven by something said in the movies or in the manga, I’d like to know, but without any big spoilers of course. If you disagree, or want to add something on, go right ahead, I’m open to discussion :)

[shikagemaru]

Been having an identity crisis recently. There's It a whole lot of things adding up to that. Call it a rant and ignore it if you want. There's only like 3 of you guys anyway.

I would put a readmore here if I knew how to do that on mobile (thanks for sucking, only social media app I feel at all comfortable with)

•It really doesn't help that the past 7 years of my life have been completely stagnant. Since I haven't been able to work my wife and I have had basically no freedom of our own.

•2 years ago I was put in jail because a pair of psychopaths decided to go from 70 to 0 on the highway in front of us, and get out to try attacking us. I tried backing up to go around but obviously the car behind me was too close and the highway was at speed in the right lane. So I had to go around on the grass while these 2 crazy assholes were approaching while shouting threats. One was coming for my wife's window. So I did what I had to and bumped one of them. He wouldn't move and our safety was more important than him being hurt a little. There was a high speed chase through our community, and while we're on the phone with the police these two are trying to force us off the road. The cops even see one of them hanging out the window shouting threats at us. We pull into a mcdonalds parking lot and after talking to them for a bit the cops arrest me because he said I "ran him over" on purpose. He was so uninjured that he refused medical care at the scene, but he kept telling people I ran him over. They were also both arrested btw. I was held without food or mpving air for over 13 hours and I have a history of heat stroke and hypoglycemia (it's bot exactly that, but it's like living outside of a big city and tellinf people you're from there instead of the local podunk you actually live in). Long story short it was torturous, and then I got put in actual jail. They didn't care that I have a long list of disabilities. When I was released I had to wear an anklr monitor while taking weekly drug tests. The numbers on the drug test kept reading that I was using weed even though I wasn't. It was insanely stressful as the numbers didn't change from one week to another. My fear was that because I was rapidly losing weight from stress that the thc being held onto in the fat was being detected. NOPE. turns out one of my DAILY meds was testing false positive. "Shouldn't they know about the false positive drug and account for it?" Youd think. But when they scanned my medication bottles that one came out blurred and they never entered it into their system. In case there are any lingering feelings that I was guilty, the court case more than handled that. The prosecutor was the kind of scumbag that, before my trial, tried prosecuting this guy's mother-in-law for assaulting him when she tried taking her grandkid out of his arms because he was using the baby to shield himself when the family confronted him about having a fake medical license and it ruining all their lives. It turns out I was put through hell and all he was seeking was "anger management counciling" because he believed that I, the guy protecting his wife, had road rage issues. One listen to the 911 calls would have straightened thst up. My lawyer kicked his ass just a little more than I did on the stand. Long story concluded, thanks for the ptsd. The nightmares have been lovely. So is panicking whenever a door closes kinda loud.

•Last year I was able to self diagnose myself with autism. For those who don't know, the vast majority of autistic people self diagnose, largely due to "experts" on average not being well educated on what autism is outside of the stereotypical cases. Most women aren't diagnosed until adults. Most "high functioning" (which is an awful description when you lesrn that it was created by a literal nazi to separate autistic people into "kill these ones" and "don't kill these ones" categories) people aren't diagnosed until adulthood. And by then actually getting the diagnosis is a challenge. And frequently it involves exercising privelege to get the right people involved.

So knowing what I know now a lot of my life suddenly makes sense. People accusing me of being manipulative when I literally don't know what it is that makes them think that? Severe miscommunications? Obsessing over specific topics to the point where people want to avoid me? Always being "the weird one" and as a result being a social outcast from day 1? Despite being considered very intelligent, I've been super easily manipulated by people my whole life. I can barely ever tell a person no, even if I know I should. Hell. There have been entire relationships I've had with people where I thought we were friends and they didn't think the same thing. Learning who or even how to trust becomes a challenge.

Yeah, it all makes sense now. I want to say "i don't know how they didn't see it", but I do. The 90s was shit for mental health. Since they knew I had tourettes (thanks for that, universe) and adhd, my obsessive tendencies were labeled ocd. Actual adult relationships have gone entirely to shit because of miscommunication. People seem to think I mean one thing when I mean another entirely. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've basically been told never to be passionate about a topic.

How does a person handle that? It doesn't unfuck relationships with people. Once someone thinks you're lying and manipulating that's it. Nothing you can ever say will ever dissuade them. It doesn't matter that they were the ones that misunderstood. Somehow it becomes the fault of the autistic person. And good luck if you're ever autistic and have a panic attack. So I'm trying not to care about that. It's hard. It's especially hard knowing that things didn't have to, and may not have gone the way they did if i had known about it earlier. I wish I could rebuild certsin relationships. My wife and I used to fight, but since we realized that both of us have these triggers because we're both autistic, we resolve almost every misunderstanding like a walk in the park. But that doesn't work with people you haven't spoken to in years. Even if a lot of it was frankly their fault.

•And the latest fuckery? I have no idea what gender I am. If I had the power to shapeshift I'd probably change on a daily or hourly basis. I had an alt account years ago where I posted fanfiction. Some people in the community assumed they knew my gender and pronouned me as such in the comments. That was the first time I had ever experienced gender euphoria. I was....upset, when someone corrected them. Would have been nice if they asked me first. I enjoyed the confusion quite a lot actually. And since I have a terrible time coming up with names for things (my screen name is from 20 years ago and I never figured out a new one) so I don't know where I would start building up a new persona. And for what? To get the rush of people not knowing which pronouns to use? I hate it. I want it. I don't know if I can ever come out as trans. People think trans means m2f and f2m, and it doesn't really matter to the public consciousness that there's more to it than that. I want to scream at people that I'm trans, but i don't know what I even want my body to look like. If I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly transformed would I be happy? I have no idea. No? Yes?

I don't know who I am or how to even identify. I'm a disabled, autistic, lgbtq ethnic minority with no financial freedom, and my 40s are approaching. Life is a challenge. Sometimes I wish I could just Danny Phantom it up. And by sometimes I mean daily.

[minnuet-archive]

Getting Better

Rating: PG

Content Warnings: None (that I can find- let me know if you find something)

Word Count: 1,802

Fan-fiction or Original Work? Original Work

Notes: For those of you who asked to be tagged specifically in this story, please let me know if you want to be permanently added to my general tag list!

Honestly, I’m proud of some of this, and not as proud of other parts of it, but that’s alright. I apologize for the fact that I’m utterly hopeless when it comes to creating titles. I didn’t make it too different from our world apart from the fact that people aren’t utterly horrible to each other because family (and friends, I suppose) have left me a bit too exhausted for worldbuilding. I finished writing this at around 1 AM so I apologize if it’s hard to follow near the end. All of my anxiety aside, I hope you enjoy!

The world was dying, and there was nothing they could do about it. That’s what runs through my head as I watch Ms. Ngeze gestures and listen to her voice.

"Their laws were really different than ours. They didn't have guilty until proven innocent laws for officer discrimination cases and accusations. Every law was in favor of the government and police." There's a sort of pain in her eyes as she speaks— one that I've never seen before. I can't look at her. It hurts to.

2020. As I think about the things human beings have done, I'm no longer sad. I'm angry. A virus was spreading around the entire planet and a group of ass-wipes lent it a helping hand because they wanted hair cuts? Whether a murderer should be charged was controversial?

It's not even the half of it. An entire continent was on fire (and the rest of the world was soon to be as well), people were losing basic human rights in other countries, and so much more. And even after all that, it took them so long to change.

No. I’m wrong. The world was dying. But there was something they could do about it. And they didn’t.

“You alright?” I shift my gaze up to meet Ms. Ngeze’s eyes and smile lazily. She sets a piece of paper down on my desk.

“I’m fine. Just thinking about how horrible people were to each other— particularly white cis-het men to everyone else. I can’t even imagine having things like what happened to George Floyd done to people like you and I. It all feels so distant, now.”

Her face softens and she speaks calmly, her voice like honey. “It does, doesn’t it?” I don't think she's being honest as she agrees with me, but I don't mention it.

“Yeah. I’m really thankful we can say it feels distant, too. I couldn’t imagine the human race surviving if we had stayed that ignorant and terrible.”

At this, she laughs. “Me either.” After passing out papers to the rest of my row and the class, she walks back up to the front of the classroom.

“Alright, everyone! I know it was upsetting and a little bit hard to hear today’s lesson, but I hope you feel satisfied with what you learned. If you have any questions about your homework or need an extension for any reason, send me an email or come in during homeroom. I’m here all day,” She glances at the clock a moment before the bell rings. “Bye, everyone! Have a nice day!”

Everyone in class stands up to leave, shouting their ‘have a nice day’s and ‘see you tomorrow’s.

I walk down the hall, smiling and waving at friends as I go along. I eventually find my spot in the quad and set my things down on the grass softly. Asa can’t handle loud noises.

Malee looks up from her book. ‘Hey, Hugo,’ she signs.

‘Hey,’ I respond. I sit down next to her and turn to smile at Asa.

They don't smile back, and my own smile fades a bit. “It’s alright. You want to use your phone to talk or do you just want to hang out?”

They shrug and grumble lightly and unintelligibly. I just touch the top of their hand lightly before opening my backpack. “How about we read a little bit?” I pull out my headphones and they pull theirs out, too.

I pull out my phone and open up an audiobook, handing it to Asa so they can play and pause it as they please.

Their current special interest is energy and I’m honestly finding it really interesting. Regardless of whether or not their special interests are "useful", they’re always interesting. Asa’s interesting.

One of the coolest and most surprising things I learned was that 99.999999999999% of the world is empty space between particles, but energy binds it all together. Zero-point energy, to be exact.

As we listen to the quotes of several physicists and engineers, they often pause the book and tell me facts or stories that certain words or phrases remind them of. But not on days like today. And that’s okay.

Listening to audiobooks and eating red bean cakes with Asa is just as lovely as talking to them. They slip their hand into mine and I smile. It’s more than enough for me to understand.

As a soft melody begins to play from the school speakers, I look over at Asa. They nod and we know that it’s three minutes until the bell rings. The music is one of our favorite things schools have implemented to help neurodivergent people. It can help ease them into the transitions from one thing to another, and I love it.

The two of us— who had both been laying on the grass— sit up, and I lean toward Malee, tapping her on the shoulder lightly.

‘Hey. You should start packing up. It’s a minute to the bell,’ I sign.

She nods and gives me a thumbs up before signing, ‘Okay, cool. Thanks for the heads up.’

I nod and begin to pack my things up. When I’m finished, the bell is about to ring. I look at Asa, who seems to have recharged a little.

“You doing any better?” I ask in a soft voice.

They shrug yet again and speak quietly. “I guess.” Their voice cracks from not having been used for over half an hour.

I smile at them and take their hand in mind for a moment, tracing my thumb in a circle over the top of their hand. I look them in the eyes and speak quietly. “I’ll see you after school. I love you.”

Asa nods, and I glance over at Mali who’s standing up with their binder in arm, ready to go. I wave goodbye to Asa and walk toward Mali. The two of us make our way toward the gym.

We sit down for a few minutes and chat about classes and family before Coach Min does roll call.

When Coach Min looks up at me, I smile. She grins back at me. “Hey, kid.”

“Hello!” I respond with a small wave as she goes back to taking roll.

As she moves down the rows, I don't go back to talking with Malee. My mind wanders back to today's history lesson.

It was so different. People were forced into such horrible situations. I bet they didn't learn sign language in school like we do.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and snap my head toward Malee. She cocks her head. 'Hugo? What are you thinking about?'

I shrug and sign back. 'Just the world. We learned about 2020 in history today and it just made me so mad.'

Nodding her head, she begins to sign. 'The world was a mess, but it was angry at itself for being a mess. It took longer than it should have, but people fixed the way the did things. We're okay now.'

Coach Min calls for us to get in a line for instructions, and we do.

I fling my hands forward in pure annoyance before regaining myself and signing back. 'Sorry. I just don't think it's okay. It was a race to the bottom— to being the dirtiest— and no one batted an eye at participating. I hate that we dismiss it so easily now that it's over. It's not even over yet! There are still bad people.'

'That's true. Bad people still exist; they always will. But we know how to deal with them, now,' she retorts. 'We know not to listen to them. Things aren't completely perfect. They never will be. The human species is a flawed one. But we'll keep learning how to be better. There will keep being setbacks and obstacles and we'll keep overcoming them.'

'But what if we get worse again? What if we repeat history again?' I want to scream. Malee's right, but she isn't seeing my side.

'We won't repeat history again. We stopped repeating history when we started actually teaching history— our full history. Look at us, Hugo!' She flails her arms in an effort to emphasize. “Schools and jobs are working to accommodate everyone. The majority of the population treats people of different races, sexualities, and genders with the exact same amount of respect. That wasn't true in 2020. Yeah, there are still assholes. But we'll keep growing. We'll keep getting better.'

I sigh and roll my eyes. 'Why are you so good with words? It's not fair.'

She giggles and smiles her wide smile.

"Hugo. Malee. Please."

Looking over at Coach Min, I smile sheepishly. "Sorry."

We shift our focus to her and listen as she finishes speaking. "Okay, so those are all of your options today. If for one reason or another you have a disability and haven't discussed it with me, or if you have discussed it with me and are having a rough day, come talk to me now. I'll find something fun for you to do."

The entirety of the class runs toward the back wall of the gym where sports equipment was sitting in baskets. A few people follow Coach Min as she walked toward her office.

'You can choose what we do today. I chose on our last free day.'

Malee's eyes light up like a gasoline-fueled fire and she signs at a speed that’s almost too fast for me to read. 'Can we do volleyball? We don't have to play with the others, but I'd love to at least bump and set the ball back and forth with you!'

I grin; her smile is contagious. 'Of course!' We walk toward the wall where everyone else already is and grab a deep violet ball from one of the baskets.

Volleyball isn't really played anymore, but when it became one of Asa's special interests, we all heard about it a lot, and Malee fell in love with it. Now we play it a lot, even though we don't have volleyballs themselves.

Passing the ball back and forth, I can't help but think of what Malee said. We have changed a lot. We have gotten better.

I hope we'll keep doing that. Getting better.

Tag List: @sunandshinee @writingamongthecoloredroses @ettawritesnstudies @rhycantspell @just-perhaps @abalonetea @monstrouswrites @magic-is-something-we-create @antisocialdragonenby @etddivine @lordfenric @medusaswrites @adaparkwrites @cadewrites @uptown-worm @holdup-pause @grewsolow @gaydemiboy @sautrns @mshelleys @heyhelloitsk @sprigofbasil @gotchaocha @albatris @sondials @starlitpromises-writings @19bottlesofdishsoap @solicitous-lyo @aghostwritesforme @voutraixmont @violetcancerian

[soprie]

How Not to Speak to Autistic Clients

RMT who currently has her hands on my naked body: So what seems to cause your tension?

Me: Well, autism. I have sensory problems and so my default is to be on the defensive all the time and be clenched and tense.

RMT: Well, you’re very high-functioning!

Me, In default avoid-all-conflict exhausted disability advocate mode: Haha, actually we don’t tend to use those terms anymore because they’re just not very applicable! You see, I may appear high-functioning, but I’m tired and stressed all the time, and I can’t even make a trip to a busy place like a grocery store without becoming worn out. Haha, how high-functioning is that?

RMT: But at least you can speak!

Me: (long pause while this kinda washes over me)

Me: Uh, what do you mean by that?

RMT: Well, some people can’t even express themselves.

Me, still desperately in no-conflict advocacy mode even though I am paying $90 to try to relax: haha, actually, everyone can express themselves, we just need to be able to listen :):)

RMT: Oh, well, some people can’t even speak, so life must be very hard for them and (some other bullshit my brain couldn’t take anymore)

Me: Actually, you need to stop. You need to take your hands off of my body and leave.

What I can’t really express in text here is the minutes I lay there, silent, just... accepting her utterly ableist bullshit. It was so resoundingly offensive I had to take a hot minute to even comprehend it. I almost swallowed it, as I usually have to do, but I finally decided, no, I’m not going to pay a hundred bucks to be touched and insulted by someone who has no fucking idea who I am or what I’ve been through. How dare you throw all autistic people under the bus and simultaneously erase my struggles while vilifying non-verbal autistics. 

Fuck you. Fuck you and the fact that you claim to provide care but you are exactly the person that gives me such stress and tension every day that my jaw is locked and my back is killing me. 

I put my clothes on and left the office just sobbing. I have been trying to find care and compassion for so long, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of fake hippie liberal fucks that are just as offensive as any right-winger out there trying to take my rights away. 

---

Ok, let me edit this post to add:

If you are a professional working with an autistic client, especially in healthcare, but even mundane stuff like hairdressing

1) YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANY INFORMATION ABOUT US. Not even healthcare officials. You get what information we choose to disclose.

2) DO NOT ASK FOR INFORMATION ABOUT MY DISABILITY THAT ISN’T DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE JOB AT HAND. If I am going to my doctor to ask for antibiotics for an infection or whatever, my autism is not relevant and should not be brought up or questioned.

3) FUNCTIONING LABELS ARE BAD. Never use them. Just because a person “seems” smart / capable of work / speaks does not mean they aren’t disabled or are “high functioning”.

You must understand that disability is a community. Autistic people are a community, no matter what they are capable of or not. When you say “Wow, you mus be very high-functioning” you are saying something like “Wow, you’re so much more attractive than your sister!” That’s... so rude? It’s only a “compliment” in that it tears the other person down and drives a wedge between them. Functioning labels are so, so bad.

4) TELLING US “but you seem so smart” OR “you don’t look disabled’ IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. You are being patronizing and you are judging us based on your own ignorant preconceptions of what disability is or looks like. Every disabled person struggles in their own way, and we are taught by society to HIDE our disabilities in order to not be mocked and discriminated against.

5) If we mention being disabled because it is relevant to our health or service, DO NOT MENTION OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE YOU KNOW. It’s gross and embarrassing. Like, if you wouldn’t ask an Asian client if they know *insert your random other Asian friend* then don’t do that with disabled people. I don’t know your cousin’s sister’s autistic nephew. I don’t care. I’m here for a haircut.

As well, you could be outing someone who does not want to be revealed as disabled. Just like how LGBTQ people should not be outed for fear of discrimination or violence, do not “out” disabled people unless they give you permission to be public with their identity. We face REAL, VIOLENT consequences for being disabled in this world. 

Do not treat that knowledge so casually.

6) Aside from instances of gross ableism leading to general mistrust of client relationships, some autistic people don’t like small talk. Just cut my hair / give me a massage / whatever I paid you to do. I’m not paying you to annoy me with useless chatter that drains my energy.

7) If your client is silent, DON’T KEEP PRESSURING THEM TO TALK. It is extremely uncomfortable, and you probably said something fucking horrible and bigoted and we’re trying to be polite

8) DO NOT TREAT AN AUTISTIC PERSON GIVING YOU DISABILITY INFORMATION AS SMALL TALK. If I am saying “I need the room to be quiet because I am autistic and have sensory issues” This is not me telling you this for funsies. This is NOT an opportunity for you to chime in "yeah, I sometimes get headaches, too! haha" and then continue on without addressing my needs. I am making my needs known, and you need to either accommodate them, or tell me that you can’t and I will take my business elsewhere.

9) An Autistic person making accommodation requests is NOT an invitation to grill us about our lives or our disability. I have told you what you need in order to do your job. I am not inviting you into my life, or my diagnosis, and you may not ask about my disability for your own entertainment.

10) CHECK IN. ASK IF YOUR CLIENT IS COMFORTABLE, and don’t just assume that they are. If a client tells you they are uncomfortable, you are giving them poor service and they should not have to just swallow it down because you don’t know how to accommodate disabled people.

If you received a poor tip or no tip from a disabled person, you probably gave them really shitty service. We do tip. We appreciate good work. But disabled people often receive such poor care and service that we are emotionally hurt or in pain at the end of things. It is terribly depressing when you try to get a haircut and the stylist is so rude and ableist you just want to never go back. 

11) If your client tells you to stop, STOP!

[secretlyatargaryen]

I know you aren't a fan of Tyrion's endgame being as Hand, but ignoring that and just focusing on the intersection of Bran and Tyrion in the endgame, what do you make of their connection and what do you see them representing thematically? I think it's interesting that the series came to George while dreaming of Bran and the wolf pups, and that what brought him back to writing the series after a break, was Tyrion "whispering to him," so it seems them together is major for his vision.

I love this ask and I do think Tyrion and Bran’s relationship is criminally under-explored in the fandom for how significant it is in the series. Like Tyrion’s relationship with Jon, his connection to Bran is one of Tyrion’s early tie-in’s to the overarching narrative of the series, as a character with both Stark and Lannister connections.

Although I do think the end of the series will look vastly different from the show, I’m not sure that King Bran is as off the mark as everyone says it is. I mean, it was done poorly, and Bran’s personhood as a character was treated really, really badly, but Bran has always been a central focal point of the series, from the very beginning, and his narrative has focused on both political leadership and the supernatural conflict, so it’s not really that off the mark. And a lot of the criticisms of Bran and his narrative have always revolved around ableism, which should be no surprise, but it got worse after season 8 because the show pitted him against fan favorites who were seen as more worthy while ALSO being grossly ableist towards the character itself. But I do think it’s a good possibility that Bran ends up king (or possibly king in the north). And Tyrion as his Hand is a pretty natural choice. I have stated that I dislike the assumption that Tyrion will be hand to whoever, and it’s a revolving door of characters depending on who the personal favorite is, which shows you something about why I dislike this ending for Tyrion, because it isn’t ABOUT Tyrion. For so many fans it’s about having Tyrion serve their fave, because of all the main characters, he’s known to be smart and has experience as Hand and they think their fave deserves him. But just like the King Bran ending, if Tyrion as Hand is done right, it’s not necessarily bad.

And Tyrion DOES have that connection with Bran established from his very first POV chapter. From his very first sentence, in fact.

Somewhere in the great stone maze of Winterfell, a wolf howled. The sound hung over the castle like a flag of mourning.

Tyrion Lannister looked up from his books and shivered, though the library was snug and warm. Something about the howling of a wolf took a man right out of his here and now and left him in a dark forest of the mind, running naked before the pack.

When the direwolf howled again, Tyrion shut the heavy leather-bound cover on the book he was reading, a hundred-year-old discourse on the changing of the seasons by a long-dead maester.

There’s a couple of interesting things here. Firstly, these paragraphs are designed to introduce us to Tyrion. They emphasize that he is an internal character, that he is intelligent and thoughtful. The “flag of mourning” tells us that he knows that the Starks are grieving for Bran and that he sympathizes with them. Yet there’s also an element of fear, of the supernatural, the idea of being “in a dark forest of the mind, running naked before the pack.”

Now, that’s an interesting sentence. Does this mean that Tyrion is running from the wolves, running with them, or possibly leading them? It’s one sentence but it’s almost similar to the warg dreams that the Stark children have.

Also interesting here is that the book Tyrion is reading is about the changing of the seasons, written a hundred years ago. This could just be there for world-building purposes as well as character building, as it’s an easy way for GRRM to establish both that Tyrion likes to read and that in this world, the changing of the seasons is a major event. But it could also be foreshadowing, considering all the wolf imagery in this section.

Then of course when Tyrion leaves the library he hears Joffrey suggesting that someone should kill Bran’s wolf, and Tyrion scolds Joffrey on that and tells him that he should be properly expressing sympathy for Bran. Tyrion defends Bran a second time to his brother and sister, and of course, these scenes are there to characterize Tyrion, as the odd one out in his family, but they also serve to establish his Stark connection. And his connection to Bran specifically is as a disabled person, when Jaime suggests that it would be better for Bran to die than live as a cripple.

“Even if the boy does live, he will be a cripple. Worse than a cripple. A grotesque. Give me a good clean death.

"Tyrion replied with a shrug that accentuated the twist of his shoulders. "Speaking for the grotesques,” he said, “I beg to differ. Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities.”

Life is full of possibilities. And it wouldn’t be unlike GRRM to put someone on the throne who everyone thought would become nothing. The foreshadowing here also hints at Tyrion’s break from his family, as Jaime calls his loyalty in question.

Jaime smiled. “You are a perverse little imp, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes,” Tyrion admitted. “I hope the boy does wake. I would be most interested to hear what he might have to say.”

His brother’s smile curdled like sour milk. “Tyrion, my sweet brother,” he said darkly, “there are times when you give me cause to wonder whose side you are on.”

Tyrion’s mouth was full of bread and fish. He took a swallow of strong black beer to wash it all down, and grinned up wolfishly at Jaime. “Why, Jaime, my sweet brother,” he said, “you wound me. You know how much I love my family.”

Tyrion knows Jaime and Cersei don’t want Bran to wake up. Tyrion wants to hear what Bran has to say. There’s a lot of double-speak in this conversation and a lot of suppressed tension in the relationship between Tyrion and his family, even Jaime, whom he loves. Jaime, albeit unwittingly, questions the value of Tyrion’s life and Tyrion, intentionally, basically threatens Jaime. I don’t think Tyrion knows what exactly happened, but he knows something happened and that his brother and sister had something to do with it. Tyrion could be just stirring the pot because he likes to, and because he wants to be in the know and likes letting people know he’s got them figured out, but he’s also allying himself with Bran here in an interesting way.

Also, while we’re close reading, Tyrion grinned up wolfishly at Jaime and sarcastically talked about how much he loves his family.

And of course I’ve talked a lot about how intensely personal Tyrion’s gift of the saddle is for both him and Bran. He’s giving Bran a gift of empowerment that empowered Tyrion himself in a world not exactly disability-friendly. In a medieval world, being able to ride a horse means mobility, means freedom, means autonomy and adulthood and manhood, things both Tyrion and Bran were told they would never have. Like, both of them are told they should have died as children. Bran’s narrative is so much about becoming and he was told after his fall that he wouldn’t become anything.

“You’re asking a lame man to teach a cripple how to dance,” Tyrion said.

Tyrion at first says he can’t help Bran but he does. And Tyrion explicitly uses a disability metaphor.

I’ve never heard that about Tyrion “whispering” to GRRM to bring him back to writing, but I have read GRRM talk about how the story changed because Tyrion, specifically, did not want to follow the path GRRM had planned for him (and since GRRM often compares his characters to his children, I like the idea of Tyrion being a very unruly child.)

I do like the idea of Tyrion and Bran as a thematic duo. I don’t like the theory of Bran warging a dragon that Tyrion rides, and I can’t quite put my finger on why I dislike it. Maybe because I feel like it’s anticlimactic for Bran to have a remote-controlled dragon and anticlimactic for Tyrion to ride a dragon but not actually be riding it. But I’d love to see Tyrion and Bran’s connection come back into play in some way and I have also said that Tyrion knows how to make specialized saddles for riders with unusual needs…

And if y’all wanna talk about revolution, we should be afraid of the lame, ‘cuz they’ll inherit your legs.

[thisisthestoryofanotherus]

Tranquility- CH

A/n: I love Duke....and Calum....anywho...Hey guys! So this was a piece I was working on for #disabledsos I think I’m late but still wanted to do something. Click here for the original link. Honestly this is one of the reasons I love 5sosfam so much, this group is helping raise awareness to fans with disabilities, chronic conditions, medical illnesses etc.. They help make everyone feel included, and with this project we’re trying to spread representation. We all want to be Y/n…but sometimes its hard to picture ourselves as the reader when they are nothing like us. I decided to start with the reader being blind and read about people’s actual experiences and guide dogs, etc. trying to get perspective. This really got me thinking, and I really want to expand my writing to reach more readers of different backgrounds, so let me know what you think and any requests!

In addition to this, I may continue the story I’m not sure yet, but also having a whole event today. Send in requests for blurbs, mtls, reactions, opinions, thoughts on CALM, whatever! I’ll be here all day today getting to know you guys so please go on over to my ask box here!

Warnings: none? Dogs? Idk lol

Word Count: 1,143 ... not bad kinda short sorry

Sitting at your favorite park bench, coffee in hand, you knew it was autumn. You felt the cool breeze against your face, heard the rustle of leaves under the boots of people walking past, saw the scatter of red and yellow light against the trees in front of you. You knew this park so well you could almost see the scene in front of you. Almost… This was a favorite park of yours when you were younger, before you lost your sight that is. From what your sister told you, not much has changed. So, although you could almost see the park in your head, the reality was you really only saw bits of light and colors. Almost like someone painted what was in front of you, then started moving the brush dripping in black paint randomly across the canvas, completely mixing the colors and obscuring the image. At first adjustment was hard, but you made a life for yourself all on your own. All you had to do was approach things just a little differently.

You took another sip of your coffee as you patted the top of your trusty guide dogs head who lied on the ground beside you, enjoying your early morning. With all the stress from work and school it was nice to just sit and breathe. Your thoughts, and tranquility, were interrupted with the sound of barking, and someone screaming “DUUKKEE”. Next thing you knew there was a smaller dog jumping back and forth from your lab’s back to your knee. You dropped your coffee in surprise, praying the hot liquid hadn’t landed on either dog. From the lack of a bark or yelp, you assured yourself they were fine as you turned your attention to the pleasant surprise. As you pat the new dogs head, it left slobbery kisses all over your hand. You wish you had worn gloves, but the ball of fluff was too cute to push away.

“DUKE! Leave the poor girl alone, come here! I am so sorry… I took of his leash to fix his collar and then whhooom he was gone. He’s not bothering you is he?” A man’s voice asked, you heard him approach and pick up the poor dog, Duke you now knew. You heard your own dog Max whine a little at his new friend being taken away. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“No he’s fine! Though if you had come any later he may have licked me to death” He began to laugh too at your words, a deep chuckle that left you feeling warm despite the morning chill.  You felt him sit beside you on the bench, and from the sound of metal clinking you guessed Duke was getting his leash put back on. Although no longer a peaceful morning, you were happy for the company. This stranger seemed nice and funny…and well you had a weakness for dogs.

“Ya this is Duke. He’s a little troublemaker and getting into stuff. He’s a sweetheart, but he could learn a few things from your dog here. What’s this one’s name…” As his voice cut out and dropped a few octaves, you guessed he finally noticed the red vest on your dog. Preparing yourself for the worst, you sighed, knowing whatever moment you both had was gone. Too bad, you were enjoying the conversation.

“This is Max. Yes, its okay if you pet him right now, I don’t mind since we’re just sitting here, and before you ask I’m blind that’s what he’s helping me with.”

“O-oh, ok.” He then laughed, you couldn’t tell from amusement or nervousness. “You must get a lot of questions. Hey Max…how you doing buddy?”

You felt Max’s tail hit your leg…repeatedly. “He likes you”

“Well thank goodness. I love dogs.”

“I would hope so if you own one” you laughed, trying to ease the tension, grateful when he began to laugh as well.

“Very true! He’s my baby, but I promise you I’m not the bad parent you probably think I am. I’m Calum by the way”

“Y/n” You said extending your hand. You felt his warm, calloused hands wrap around your own as he shook your hand, lingering just a second longer. He only let go when he heard the barking of his dog, who had begun pawing at your leg trying to get down from the bench. Max started making noises too, curious as to who these new strangers were and wanting to play. He set Duke down with a “be good” and returned his attention to you.

“Y/n…” He said, as if testing the sound of your name. “Um, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything I just-“

“Hey it’s fine. You really didn’t do anything, like you said I’m used to a lot of questions and people treating me weird when they realize these stylish shades actually have purpose”

“I have to say you pull them off nicely. And I’m sorry that must be hard…”

“Eh you get used to it. Just thank you so much for not yelling”

“Why would I yell?”

“If I had a dime for every time someone started practically shouting at me when they found out I lost sight I’d be hella rich. Like they assume I’m deaf too. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Haha…oh my gosh that’s terrible”

“Yeah…but not as bad as others asking if I need to feel their face to identify them. As if my sight moved from my eyes to my fingertips…I think that’s the worst one” You laughed

“And here I was gonna ask you to put your hands on my face so you know how good-looking I am”

Jokingly, you put your arm out aiming for his shoulder, trying to ignore the feel of his biceps, as you managed to find the side of his face. “Ah let me guess…tall, dark, and handsome?”

“Correct! I’m 6’1”, black hair, tan skin, and incredibly handsome. Wow and here you had me thinking this wouldn’t work!”

You both laughed, it was a long time since you had laughed this much. A long time since you felt this comfortable with someone. A long time that someone didn’t start treating you weird, and could actually laugh about your hardships. You wish you could have stayed here, but of course reality set in. Your alarm went off, alerting you of your next appointment.

“Great…I’m sorry I have to go. I’ve got this meeting to get to. It was nice talking to you Calum”

“Yeah…you too Y/n. It’s a small park, maybe I’ll see you around?”

“I try to walk Max here in the mornings around this time…so maybe”

You smiled and waved goodbye to the stranger Calum as you made your way out of the park, wondering when the next time you’d see him would be…

[doctorstrangeaskblog]

One thing I’ve noticed about haters is that they basically dedicate a lot of time just to spread hate, making their target’s fans sad, they often want to impose their opinion, they often misinterpret the facts, make up facts or even exaggerate on interpretation of facts, and that’s not the problem, the problem is that they want to IMPOSE their thought on people, prevent them from having fun with what they like, as if the whole world had to hate what they hate, and this is wrong, because it attacks the other’s right to like something. People have the right to hate stuff, but they cannot harm anyone else’s right with their actions (and arguments), because that way we fall into intolerance, and not just racism, sexism or homophobia, but also social exclusion against personal tastes and opinions. They also sort of invade spaces that were supposed to be fun, such as tags on Tumblr and other social media with hateful, negative and even fake posts. A good example was people blaming Benedict for Doctor Strange whitewashing, while the character in question was the Ancient One and not Stephen per se, and then they start the “Doctor Strange should be Asian” movement, with so much superficiality, because we know we can’t just change the characters’ nationality and be like “see? We’re inclusive”, because that’s just so lame. People who suffer with exclusion feel every day the problem can’t be solved with simple replacement, but with the development of good, well built characters, good stories, with cultural inclusion and all the focus the character deserves, etc. Anyway, it’s not a simple matter, and suddenly haters were blaming the entire racism of the cinema on Benedict (?) while the guy has a big importance when it comes to inclusion, donations, charity, pacifism and a lot of relevant points I won’t list here because just google it.

Anyway, haters end up carrying misinformed people into hating people who actually are doing good things out there, with great projects and charity initiatives etc. (Keanu, Capaldi, Benedict, Hiddleston...). Also, whenever a hater comes to discuss about why the person or character you admire is the worst being in the world, they often get aggressive when you start pointing out logical arguments, they end up getting emotional and coming for the personal side and forcing some interpretations (example, a lot of doctors, actors, psychologists etc. study objects, animals and people so they can work and improve their profession, like, doctors study people with disabilities, from incapacitating ones to very light ones so they can understand the matter and work more efficiently, etc, I’ve seen people turn Benedict into a monster for observing people with autism, because he more than once had to play a role in which the character had autism. If we think about it and keep acting with such hateful attitude, we’ll end up agreeing with censorship, and autistic people wouldn’t either be characters in movies or we wouldn’t get actors working on such roles, meaning the characterization would be way more limited etc. anyway, it would be bad for culture and critique in general, there would be less representation, because even if autistic authors were called, it would make it harder in occasions where that wouldn’t be possible, movies would end up exploring that subject less, etc.), this was an example, but project this into wider areas of cinema and society in general, using your personal opinion to judge people and consider them the ultimate evil, to want to make the whole world hate that person and harming anyone who disagrees with the haters, that’s really bad!

I used some haters speech about Benedict as examples here because that’s what I’ve seen (and been attacked with) the most, because my blog is a Doctor Strange blog, anyway, but I’m talking about all the kind of haters. But understand a thing, being a hater is not the same as disliking something! Everyone has the right to dislike stuff, and people normally just stop there. People dislike something, people avoid that thing, if asked, they say they don’t like it and that’s it! People normally don’t spend hours making toxic posts about what they hate or spend hours arguing with strangers about how they should hate something! People tend to spend their time with things they like (or things they have to do), so if a hater comes to you and keeps babbling, just say you’re not interested or ignore or end the conversation, because normally these people aren’t well intentioned! Haters normally can’t be convinced, there will ALWAYS be a reason to justify their hating, while the truth probably is that they identified with a group and feel important there. Also, haters tend to spread high expectations about people, and that’s just toxic, we can’t judge someone’s entire life by something they said or did, people commit mistakes and that’s why LAW exists, if someone commits a crime, it’s up to the system to judge them, not people! When people assume that role and start writing stuff, a lot of fake news come out, and a lot of people actually believe it, and everything becomes a big hate toxic ball that hurts tons of people who had nothing to do with anything.

We do have to criticize actions we consider evil or wrong, as well as we have to think about  society and about cinema and racism etc. but we can do that with logical conversation, checking the facts in sources we can trust, we don’t have to become haters and hurt others to defend what we believe and trust every tabloid website in order to sustain our arguments, and I’m not even talking about extreme things such as racism and homophobia, I’m talking about something way more “silly” and superficial such as fandom hating, celebrity hating, ship hating etc.

To point out how it’s not normal to be a hater, let’s imagine a situation: there’s an actress or singer (etc) you like who said something really bad on TV, live, everyone saw and it’s impossible to claim it’s fake. You kind of used to like that person’s content before, but what she said really let you down, you don’t like her anymore and you’re sad. What’s your natural reaction? The reaction most people would have? Well, unfollow that person, stop reading their posts, stop listening to their music, stop recommending that person to friends, stop buying their stuff and little by little, that person would have a smaller and smaller space in your life, until you simply forget about that celebrity (they become irrelevant to you), you just avoid their stuff, you don’t even notice them anymore, you have other interests now and that’s it, things barely changed for you, you’re just indifferent. Now, what does a hater does? They create a page (or fill their social page) of stuff with hate against their target, they spend hours reading about how terrible that person is, they talk to that person’s fans to tell them they have to stop liking that celebrity, they invade all the tags of series, songs, movies (anything) the celebrity is in and spam it with negative things, such as “it’s a terrible singer” or “they should have  cast another actor”, anyway, anything really negative that would induce the fans to either quit having fun or start hating the celebrity as well, and that’s just soooo sad and toxic, because spamming a safe, fun environment like that can be considered imposing and even aggressive depending of the content they’re posting, that’s why social media websites often ban accounts that spam tags or other users.

Anyway, haters who spread fake news or aggressive thoughts or accusations often forget they actually could be sued by the celebrity/singer/actor/writer they’re hating on, that’s where personal opinion differs from being a little authoritarian offensive aggressive person. I can totally say “I don’t like that singer because they did X” or because “their song is bad” or “I don’t like their style”, however, we cannot accuse people of stuff they didn’t do, things they didn’t say or even write they thought something or said something they didn’t, because then we’re invading their space, and they have the legal argument to sue you. Normally celebrities don’t lose their time suing small silly haters on social media, however, if a hater writes something offensive about them, including false accusations, they totally CAN sue the hater, or report them so their account gets closed anyway. Haters often forget that some of their actions are criminal, cyber bullying is crime, false accusations and humiliations can be interpreted as injury, and that can be serious, specially if the person being offended is going a hard phase or suffers from psychiatric disorders, the consequences could be way worse for who’s suffering the stalking.

Something that’s very common is Benedict haters taking pics of him and making photoshops making fun of his appearance (they FIND) and making fun of his name. Benedict kind of seems to be okay with that during interviews, considering a lot of his fans also do that, but still, imagine people taking pics of you, making an offensive edit and spreading it in the tags about you or tags about the things you do and like, HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE HELL, I WOULD HATE THAT! I WOULD SUE! And not only the celebrity has to endure that as well as all the fans have to scroll past the sooo many hateful posts which are contributing to NOTHING at all. The only ones happy with all that are the little noisy hater communities, who keep spreading all the offensive things, being rude to people and satisfying their ego, because they often feel way superior to the people they hate (and the fans, and anyone else because they feel they have the right to impose their thoughts). Hate tags do exist, and fans normally won’t visit them because they don’t want to read hate, but even so, haters get expansive and spread all their hate to healthy tags as well, and that becomes toxic. That’s why hate posts and spams are really close in many Guidelines of social media, and such posts CAN BE REPORTED, because they kind of break the “behave online, respect people and don’t harm other people” guideline.

In conclusion, if you’re a victim of a hater(s), don’t quit what you like, just report and block the haters. If it turns into stalking, keep reporting, call the police if you feel threatened, cyber bullying is CRIME, and spamming people is considered a bad attitude on most social media. Preserve your well being! Don’t lose your time discussing with fanatic haters, they won’t listen to you. (If someone hates an actor/singer etc. because they are misinformed, they tend to be like “really? I didn’t know it was a lie. I’ll check it out” when you first tell them /or comment on how the information they’re sharing is fake. Misinformed people normally don’t want to impose their thought, normally they’re just confused or lost, and most of them won’t attack you).

If you’re a hater, please, stop that and if you feel you need, go search psychiatric help, because what you’re doing probably is hurting someone, and hate doesn’t make good at all, not to you, not to anyone. You’re free to have your personal group where you hate on stuff together, of course, but try to be careful to not hurt people or to be toxic to others. Some stuff you hate mean the world to other people, so respect their view just like they respect yours.

Just reminding this text isn’t about extreme things such as racism, homophobia, sexism etc. this text isn’t about that. (Wanting to kill someone because of their gender or color isn’t accepted in our society, it’s crime, and I’m not talking about this here.).

That’s it. Stay away from haters, they will try to make you feel bad for not listening to them , they will accuse you of being authoritarian for blocking them, but no, you don’t have to listen to them, you don’t have to spend you time listening to their hate, you have the right to preserve yourself and ignore them, that’s why the function “block and report” exist and you have the right to use them.

[gg-astrology]

hiii!! i'm that hannah montana but seokjin agenda anon, tell hi to your friend!! the lvl of my satisfaction is impossible to describe, thank you for your service. and yes, you've fulfilled my request!! i really appreciate your efforts, it was on point!! can i request more bangtan things?? only if it's alright with you :| can you do the same ranking for them from ' i'm rich 3$, wine and dine me' to 'i have a rolled blanket as my pillow' *cough* jk *cough*. from that to a simpler lifestyle? thk!

Hey there!! 💕❤️💕 Welcome back!!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕 slkskjnsdkjns she saw this and im really glad u like it!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕 

U can! 💕❤️💕Me and my friend really like your questions because it’s very thoughtful and fun!! 💕❤️💕 

EDIT: My friend said they interpreted this question differently into ‘how complex vs simple’ their lifestyle is and!!!!!!!!!! maybe we’ll edit and add it in anon if u send in another ask I’ll ask my friend if they want to answer?? I’m sorry!!!!! My 2nd house sun immediately: Wealth  

Please send us more questions, but maybe not this one bc it’s about their personal lifestyle/how they live (+ not their personalities or what they’ve shown us) and it may be treading on 1. making assumptions about their personal life in which we’re in no authoritative position to commentate on  

2. we can obviously talk about how we view them and write commentaries on how we feel/what we think, but there’s also a line where we have to acknowledge people might see us as credible information/authority in our own rights when it’s out in public/shared to an audience 

3. what they’ve shown us clear boundaries between public figures and their audience might be wiser 

4. acknowledging our position of power + influence to the community rather than ignoring the fact that our words have sway will help us in the long-run by making conscious, thoughtful choices on what we could give/bring to the fan/outside community as well. 

I hope this makes sense?? 💕❤️💕 I hope it’s ok if I mulled it over last night and thought I might not – it might not be the best idea to talk about it/put it out there?? 

Please don’t feel bad at all!! 💕❤️💕I really love your questions and I actually wrote as I tried to figure out how to do this (literally just disclaimers before I realized oh maybe there’s no way to do this properly and I shouldn’t??) – I don’t want you to get out of this ask empty-handed, so if it makes it any better – I’ll publish my working through below the read more and you might see what I was working out as I try to answer your question?? 💕❤️💕 

Long commentary on BTS privilege, social inequality + wealth disparities in the real world (disclaimer for this ask?)  +  Working Outs and Why It Didn’t Work ⬇️

Note: From here on below is me writing my thoughts down as I tried to answer the ask, I hope that – even though I couldn’t answer your question – this is a good answer in other regards either way? Hopefully? 

Just a disclaimer note on BTS and this topic as well: In my head I’m immediately going into commentary about social inequality, wealth disparity and how poverty + classism exists in real life. 

Just a quick tangent, but real people suffer from this issue. Our society have consequences when it comes to wealth inequality + the ability to afford basic human amenities (healthcare, living/housing, food, education, transportation, disabilities etc.) 

Even when they’re relatable, BTS are billionaires who knows their position is privileged. Lets - make that clear for a second.  

They still do their best in variety shows where they have to compete/entertain the audience. What I’m trying to say is. I’d rather not ignore/make note that there’s a difference between being privileged, being aware of these issues and still preferring simpler lifestyles for themselves. Than being ignorant and completely insensitive/unaffected from the matter. They’re still privileged, let’s make that clear. And thus, as relatable as they are to the public/audience, they benefit from the social/economical/political power they have given by those around them (their audience, accessibility medias and production).  

In the context that is related (i.e. army joking that BTS fights over ramen) – BTS have never once shown that they’re unaware of their wealth + privilege, even it was a joke – the thing that is missing is the context –  they’re usually seen competing in BTS run/gayo, but it’s produced to let them showcase their dynamic and chemistry  - the prize (commodities/money) was never actually the main focus. 

A highly competitive game with members who know each other well - is actually what these shows are about. 

BTS doesn’t glorify their own wealth, nor have they acted as if they are poor in order to gain relatability or sympathy from the audience/masses (looking at armis 💜 who does this. delete armi 💜) 

It’s a part of why they have fans and why people like them. They’re able to sell products + contribute to relief/charity organizations and advocate campaigns.  Whilst they are in position of privilege compared to others - they’ve never not acknowledged that they could afford to do so for reasonable personal requests (i.e. safety on flights and in airports, security in their home, equipments to perform/produce with, reaching out to audiences that usually never has the opportunity to connect with them despite liking them for a long time, etc.)

I think it’s just important to note - for those who are armys and those who are looking at it from the outside - that this is what we see and why we’re talking about this. 

I just want us to acknowledge that they’re privileged and their lifestyle choices are personal, I think that’s what I’m doing here. 

So, commentary on social inequality of the world we all live in + BTS privilege in all this/disparities. check.

This is going to be disgustingly generalized to an incredible amount because we don’t have houses – to be completely honest, within the context of the question having houses is exactly what we need for these types of answers. 

From a technical stand-point, not having houses when we’re talking about specific contexts within a person’s life (basically why we have so many houses - for different contexts) – will make this reading terribly vague and misleading as well. 

Actually, should we do this at all.. because simply saying oh Taurus/Libra placements would want materialistic things to show x, y, z is incredibly misgiving and is like a blanket statement. Without houses in question, there’s no specification on what it is used for or what kind, or what type of actions/manifestations these signs are going to have in order to express themselves.  

Planets in signs can only do so much to talk about the energy that is being produced – placing them in houses and context, gives them manifestation that doesn’t simply exist in a vacuum by itself.

All placements in a chart make up a cohesive picture of what it is used for, when and where. With only the how/why (placements) — the best I can probably do to answer the question is just explain how it could possibly manifest and why/what reasoning it may have to express itself that way.

While that is something I could? probably talk about. It… just doesn’t answer the question in a way that’s satisfying. This question is really good… and there’s a way to get there and give it the answer it wants. But.. with what we have, it’s a disservice to answer half-right and do a poor job overall, than to actually give the full answer.

Hnnnfghfnhgn there’s also.. some disclaimers on personal life for idols/public figures and how this might.. be almost assuming or intruding on that territory? From a glance it isn’t like it’s not something they’ve not shown us publicly or told us about. But they also didn’t advertise it, and what they do with their personal life/lifestyle– is that something we (as fan) are in anyway, shape or form, capable or have any voice to talk about as if we know what they’re doing? Does that? make sense? 

Like, intruding as in - do we have any authority to tell them to get a pillow or stop drinking wine or something like that. Speculate, on what restaurant they go to/how $$$ it is, or does things that are privileged, things that aren’t going to han river to bike, etc. Can we really pick and choose certain choices they choose to do with their lifestyle, while being completely separated from reality of their other?

Idk.. this is getting complicated.. but maybe sticking to things they are proud of and does talk about openly/happily in their public and professional persona might be better… considering that they should have? a modicum of personal life back to themselves? we could at least do that and choose to respect them right… thats? hm. what’s right.

Fine wine and dine, lavish restaurants and other personal choices on their expenses and love for/lifestyle… maybe.. its for the best if we leave it to their own authority and discretion, over their own private/personal life and what they choose to share with people they know/care for/love. 

I think the end all of it might just be: can I imagine them coming to say to us “army, you know how I am right? I’m like this in my personal lifestyle/choice” – and of what they could say, I don’t think that’s something they may be willing to share without their explicit consent, nor can I imagine it right now if it’s about messy habits or a flaw they may have. So hm. 

The question addresses simpler lifestyle too – we don’t have authority to commentate on JK’s pillow choices, but being exposed like that suddenly might not be something he’s entirely comfortable with or would advertise to others as well? Not to mention, they all seem to not advertise anything that is outrageously privileged that would smack anyone in the face – they’re pretty sensitive to keeping things personal, private, under-wraps. Even when they choose to eat at a well-known restaurant, it’s not in bad-taste or done frivolously. In a way, they all tend to keep a simpler lifestyle about them to not let their wealth + privilege get in the way of their work + connecting to us, focusing solely on what their skills are + performance and music. 

Simply going by that.. is it wise to talk about something we might just choose to show decency/a modicum of respect for the idol’s privacy maybe.. uhhdfjgnn i!!!!!!!!! there’s thoughts and feelings and im just trying to let it out so it makes sense and then i can navigate between it and see what i can do/the right way to talk about it (if it exists)!!

God.. I guess there’s.. no way I can possibly do this?? Considering if I think about it from all sides – I can’t approach it technically, without houses. I literally can’t answer this question, it isn’t about choice because answering this question is directly asking about the houses. So I literally can’t answer correctly. I also can’t – or well, I don’t think the moral issue is ok here when I think further on it. Consequences are inevitable with all posts/production, but optimizing it so that it affects people positively and minimize damage to others is always something to check through. This may not be a good idea, just to do. So maybe not. 

Hhndndhnndf ok,,, gotta,,, write something for the introduction so it makes sense.

Note: I did go through this, edit and write some additional paragraphs to make it make sense. But I hope this? gives you insight or some thoughts to my working process and what I consider/go through when I make these posts as well? Thank u for ur time, I hope it isn’t too disappointing ;;  let me know what u think/how u feel anon I’m sorry I couldn’t do this question but please let me know if you’re ok or not!!!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG151 /o/

- And Peter’s “friend” was, in the end, Simon Fairchild:

(MAG144) PETER: I’m absolutely delighted with your progress, and I feel you’ve earned some straight answers. MARTIN: But not from you. PETER: Oh, no. That sort of conversation makes me very uncomfortable. No, I’m owed a favour by a friend of mine. I’ve asked him to stop by, when he’s back in the country.

(MAG151) SIMON: Peter asked me to look in on you and… have a small chat. Well! A big chat, really. Answer all those… nagging questions. […] I lost a bet, and this is how the good captain chooses to use that. The second is… sort of?

Simon himself pointed out the compatibility between The Lonely and The Vast, but the Lukases had also collaborated with the Fairchilds on the Daedalus project (together with the Church of the Divine Host, although they were mostly invited into that project by Rayner to cough up the funding, according to Manuela). And Peter was indeed “owed a favour” because said friend had lost another bet. (So, amongst the gambling club, we got Salesa > Peter > Simon, so far. … Given how Peter had apparently betted on MAG066’s statement-giver’s death with Salesa, I’m… not sure I want to know what Simon and Peter had betted about, for Peter to win.)

Jon had kinda jinxed us that we would meet Simon this season, but Jon also avoided the Worst Of It:

(MAG124) ARCHIVIST: Simon Fairchild is one of the… recurrent figures that I think disquiets me the most. Not simply for what he does, the endless spaces of highs or depths to which he’s so quick to condemn his victims, but… the joy he seems to take in doing so. And I don’t think there is much to this tale beyond that: an evil man tormenting and killing simply for his own pleasure, and to feed the power that sustains him. […] I do not think I ever wish to meet him.

Congrats, Jon, you managed to not meet him although he came to the Institute! /o/ Staying holed up in the Archives has its perks. (… Especially considering how Jon had lost it in front of Breekon, I’m… not sure that he wouldn’t have thrown a fit in front of Simon. I mean. If Martin lost his cool so easily despite knowing how dangerous Simon is, Jon would have been a living nightmare about that guy.)

“Simon Fairchild” had been linked with a few “firsts” in the history of the series. He was one of Jon’s first cases at the Institute; he was in the first Vast statement we heard in the series, which had… been interrupted by Martin himself, as Martin was just returning from Prentiss’s entrapment and would give his statement in the very next episode:

(MAG051) ARCHIVIST: […] One of my first cases as a researcher for the Institute in 2012 was looking into the history of a jeweller in Hackney, that had reported cases becoming cracked in the night. Nothing was ever taken but, each morning it would be like a heavy weight had been dropped upon them. Looking into it, it turned out that the jewels had, in the 1930s, belonged to a con artist and fence, who had attracted the displeasure of the local population. When one particularly irate customer threw him out of a fourth-floor window into a crowded street at midday… no one claimed to have seen anything. A minor possible haunting with a decidedly pedestrian backstory, but notable because while I was never able to discover the original name of the con artist, one of his many, many aliases was Simon Fairchild, and it appeared on several business listings around the time. Whether it’s a coincidence or not is something of a moot point at this stage, however.

(MAG021) ARCHIVIST: […] It might just be a coincidence, but I recall the name “Simon Fairchild” was one of the ones used by– [DOOR OPENS, CHAIR TUMBLES] My god! Martin?! [SOMETHING SQUELCHES] What… What the hell is–? What are these things?! [CLICK.]

MAG124, “Left Hanging”, which featured Simon in the statement, also marked the first time that Jon had tried to interact with Martin since he had awakened from his ~coma~. So: it feels like “Simon” had been around for a while, surrounding important events but always escaping us a bit, before, finally, we met him in (what’s left of) the flesh.

- We had heard the name “Fairchild” since MAG021, and Gerry had mentioned that it wasn’t actually a family (MAG111: “Well, Fairchild’s just a name, they’re not really family.”) but we had heard of them as being… a clan of some sort (MAG089, Jude Perry: “Hangs around with the Fairchilds sometimes.”):

(MAG051) ARCHIVIST: […] A cursory bit of research reveals the Fairchilds in question to be an exceptionally wealthy family, based down in Cornwall. No real business to speak of, but it appears they’ve invested very wisely in aerospace technology, shipping logistics and underwater drilling and construction. Whatever their origin, I feel it’s worth keeping an eye on them.

… and turns out that HAHA:

(MAG151) SIMON: I’ve been “Simon Fairchild” about, um… eighty or ninety years, maybe? For business purposes, mainly – by which I mean I was bored of not being wealthy, so I made some arrangements and sent Mr. Fairchild on a very long fall. I could go into details, but without a certain amount of knowledge of 1930s tax practices, it wouldn’t mean very much to you.

It’s… not even a stolen name, it’s a stolen alias. And they all developed around it / kept Simon’s alias as a sign of respect / just used it for tax fraud and get rich, all along.

- Simon was a BLAST, rambly, jumpy, losing his breath here and there, living his best life of being terrible (only caring about the people he had traumatised/deprived of their closed ones when it came to introduce himself, casually threatening Martin, absolutely chill about the idea that yes, people are suffering and are meant to suffer or to disappear) – I’m especially fond of that moment:

(MAG151) SIMON: And honestly, the idea that this is all some… “grand cosmic joke”, thousands of us running around spreading horror and sabotaging each other pointlessly while these impossible, unknowable things just lurk out there, feeding off the misery we cause… [INHALE] I find that interpretation quite appealing…!

He just spat the whole sentence at full velocity, and we could hear the lack of oxygen towards the end, it was great and fitting for an avatar of The Vast! And he was an utter troll, to the point that Martin actually tried to threaten him?

(MAG151) SIMON: Peter said you’d have a lot of questions about that one. MARTIN: I do. [PAUSE] How are new powers born? SIMON: Hm… don’t know! MARTIN: How soon could it attempt its ritual? SIMON: No clue! MARTIN: How do we stop it? SIMON: Can’t help you! MARTIN: [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Could you, at least, try? SIMON: [FRANTIC] … No–no–no–no, you’re right, of course!

… TWICE:

(MAG151) MARTIN: I don’t see your point. SIMON: [INHALE] My point is… [PAUSE] … You know? I’ve quite forgotten! MARTIN: [EXASPERATED SIGH] SIMON: [PANICKED SOUNDS] I’ve just not been doing much recently, it’s not a good time for perspective, you see.

Martin meeting what is for us the oldest avatar around (… at least officially; what is Elias, etc.), even older than Rayner, somehow translated to “Martin on the verge of beating an old man, twice”. S2!Martin was bringing you tea; S4!Martin is done with each and every one of you and has gained so many levels in bossy from having to deal with Peter for excruciating months:

(MAG151) SIMON: [CHUCKLING] And this has been fun! [INHALE] Now. [CHAIR SCRAPING] If we’re about done– MARTIN: We’re not. Sit back down. SIMON: Boooold~ [CHUCKLE] [CHAIR SCRAPING] I like it.

(redusijnferd why did you sound so flirty, you pink skeleton of a man. Get in the queue to get a Power Claim on the boy.)

- We could perfectly feel that Simon was older than your regular avatar (if he worked under Tintoretto, it means he was born in the 16th century) through his way of looking at the Fears, the sheer… chillness? with the prospect of everyone dying/disappearing, but also more personally, in the portrait he was painting of Peter:

(MAG151) SIMON: Yes, well! You have to understand how it is with Peter. He finds talking to people directly very difficult, especially explaining the more, hum… esoteric side of things? MARTIN: Mm. SIMON: Charming chap, I’m sure you’ll agree, absolutely lovely, but… even if you can convince him to actually give you a straight answer, he’s just not that good at actually putting these things into words. Something to do with his upbringing, I think. [CONSPIRATORIALLY] I’m pretty sure he was home-schooled, you know! […] He is what he is, Martin. For a creature of The Lonely, the urge is always to isolate; never to communicate or connect. I suspect that’s why he’s so keen on wagers: it allows him a framework for cooperation that doesn’t risk any sort of intimacy.

… Simon was describing this awkward, kinda sweet guy who is trying his best to save the world but has a few disabilities and tries to manoeuvre around it. Meanwhile: we witnessed live Peter Lukas sending Brian Finlinson to The Lonely in MAG100 apparently Just Because He Could, and he whooshed two researchers who were only ignoring his directives while Jon was still unresponsive, and there is the whole Tundra deal; he also began to ramble in front of Martin about how he would have gone for Gertrude’s throat… I’m glad that Martin didn’t fall for it and was rightfully unimpressed (he also told Basira that Peter was “awful” right after). But it was telling that Simon would present Peter as this uwu sweet child uwu, when… really, absolutely nope.

(About the “home-school” bit: and how many Lukases children are “raised” in Moorland House, right now…?)

Simon was also… absolutely unsurprised by Little Institute Things:

(MAG151) SIMON: Ouuh! Hello? [CHAIR SCRAPING] Hmm~ […] Hm! No wonder I’m so sympathetic to The Lonely. You know: this really is a place for self-discovery, isn’t it? [CHUCKLE] “Statement ends”, I suppose! MARTIN: Uh… I’m sorry? SIMON: Oh! Nothing, just my own hubris. I should have known. When I came here, I said to myself: “Simon,” I said, “you’re going to answer this young man’s questions, but you’re not going to give The Watcher a statement. You’re better than that.” But it’s a hard one to resist, isn’t it? You get in the flow of talking about yourself, and it all just… tumbles out. MARTIN: Mm, does seem like it. SIMON: [CHUCKLING] And this has been fun!

(Oliver had also described Jon’s effect: “Be easier if you could talk back, right? Ask me questions and just have it tumble all out.” (MAG121)) Simon greeted the tape recorder (?), and knew about the “Statement ends” phrasing, and that one is… noteworthy, since it’s Jon’s trademark (later copied by Martin). Gertrude wasn’t using it, she immediately announced her “Final comments” after her readings - how did Simon know about Jon&Martin’s formulaic “Statement ends”? Did Peter describe it to him? (… Or Elias?)

- That episode was indeed a MAG111.2 (30th episode of season 3 / season 4!) – except it wasn’t Jon receiving the information, but Martin, and it was… less about categories and repartitions, more about how the Fears tend to operate in their irregularities. We didn’t even learn a lot about structures or terminology; technically, we… didn’t learn a lot, but mostly got a few confirmations for things that had been there for a while, although not fully assimilated, through an ~exterior~ point of view? The biggest information was probably that not all avatars are as afraid of The Extinction as Peter is:

(MAG151) SIMON: I’ve actually been toying with the idea of trying to do something with the scale of humanity itself; you know, emphasise all that “overpopulation” nonsense, but… honestly, it just… doesn’t ring true for me. We’re all just so tiny and pointless, you see; it’s hard to really get past it. Also, I worry it might be straying into territory that emboldens our potential new rival. MARTIN: … The Extinction. […] You don’t sound worried. SIMON: That’s because we disagree on exactly how bad it will be. Peter seems convinced that The Extinction is different. That its actual birth will be as bad or worse as another power fully manifesting. He believes its advent will be heralded by all sorts of disasters and catastrophes, and global upheavals, and whatnot. That kind of things. MARTIN: Sounds like a rich feeding ground. SIMON: Well, exactly! Peter, however, seems to think that it will upset the balance that we all have an awful lot invested in. And he’s not at all certain the world as we understand will come out the other side. MARTIN: And let me guess – you think he can’t see the “big picture”? […] You don’t think it will be the end of the world? SIMON: Oh! It very well might be, but… MARTIN: [EXPLOSIVE EXHALE] SIMON: Life has continued through dozens of apocalypses already. Ice ages; pandemics; calamities; extinctions… The only reason this one feels special is because, well… it’s happening to you. And that’s the sort of solipsism that tends to come with loneliness – in my experience. So. My feeling is that I’ll help out where I can; but ultimately, if this “Armageddon” comes off, then… so be it. Either billions suffer and life goes on; or billions suffer and life doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things, it’s all… much of a muchness.

(… That depiction of avatars as finance workers basically sharing the cake and eyeing cautiously the newcomer, not because of the positive or negative outcomes it could bring on clients/victims, but because it could steal some parts of their market…)

And it indeed fits: the one who had been doing all these researches about the new emergence is Adelard Dekker who, as far as we know, is human, and had explained in MAG113 how his own biggest fear had once been to die without realising it, such as in his sleep. It might have coloured how he researched and described The Extinction, how devastatingly annihilating he perceived it? And Peter has essentially based his own investigations on Adelard’s research, while Simon… tends to regard it as just another Fear – it’s bad, but then, they’re all bad and relying on people’s suffering (and coloured by his affiliation to The Vast – even if it’s worse than the others and supplants the other Fears, the universe will still be there, with or without humans).

So, at this point, it’s… possible that no, Peter and Martin won’t manage to stop The Extinction from being born, because it has already grown enough? But it doesn’t mean, either, that it would throw off the balance of the Fears game so much. However… it would probably be shattering for Martin, if his sacrificing his life for the Greater Good for almost a full year, not indulging in things he loved anymore (he stopped writing poetry, he turned away from Jon and contributed to his isolation, making him more susceptible to use his Powers thus going further into Beholding/monsterhood and increasing his victims count)… doesn’t lead to an achievement of any sort.

- In season 4’s own flavour: Simon also pursued the idea that nobody and nothing is exactly in control, that there is no Grand Scheme – but mostly things happening, an unidentified and anonymous system going around, in the frame of which avatars&monsters operate (and as Jon had put it in MAG145, run by the idea that “we’re all just… ‘groping about’. Trying desperately to find out what we’re actually meant to be doing.”). The Lightless Flame and The Dark respectively created Agnes and the Dark Sun mostly by believing strongly in their aims; and, overall, rituals are indeed attempts at putting a dream, a feeling into shape, and these translations are faillible on their own (if Jon&co hadn’t gone to The Unknowing, would it have stopped on its own…? Did Tim actually sacrifice himself stopping something that wouldn’t have worked anyway…?). Annabelle claimed to have a limited influence, and to not be aware of any greater plan from The Web. Elias (as much as we can trust what he wants to convey) is limited, erratic, and fallible – admitted that he had “overreacted” when he had killed Leitner, didn’t pay attention to the assistants’ plan to arrest him, claimed that he hadn’t seen that The Dark’s side had been too heavily damaged to even attempt a ritual. Martin got told that Peter in himself wasn’t such a big deal; that his promise to protect the Institute against unknown threats… had been mostly a smokescreen because he really wanted/needed Martin to work with him:

(MAG134) PETER: Martin, this is what we agreed. After The Flesh attacked, you came to me. MARTIN: [SIGH] PETER: And I’ve held up my end of the bargain, despite your continued hesitation. Your friends have been largely untroubled by the many – many – enemies that they have made. MARTIN: What about the delivery guy? Breekon. And the coffin?

(MAG151) MARTIN: How honest has he been with me? SIMON: About which part? MARTIN: Protecting the others. SIMON: I think he tried. I suspect he may have slightly exaggerated his abilities when you first made the deal, but he certainly expended a reasonable amount of influence and resources to follow through. MARTIN: But… [EXPLOSIVE SIGH] But that was never the endgame, was it? He just wanted me on side long enough to rope me into his… his plans for The Extinction. SIMON: Do you really need me to answer that one? […] I think… [INHALE] I think Peter is taking a rather large, but calculated gamble. Not just on you, but on a lot of things. If it works, he’ll be in a very strong position. And if he fails… it won’t be all that bad.

We had indeed never seen Peter actually doing anything regarding that “protection” bit: he found excuses for his inaction when Breekon breached in (Jon had been quicker), and blamed Jon’s decisions to get involved with spooks (back then, the coffin; and Martin had been unaware about the Svalbard trip until Daisy told him). Nothing about the spiders, either. And now: confirmation that Peter was actually useless but wanted to Sound Impressive to get Martin. It doesn’t mean that he can’t be damaging (Elias was absolutely awful on a one-on-one basis) but it paints him in a less threatening/all-controlling light, too.

(- Is Peter annoyed by analogies

(MAG151) SIMON: Alright. Let’s… try one of those analogies Peter finds so annoying.

… because they’re a way to connect and create links between what are essentially different ideas. That sounds like the nerdiest Lonely thing. (You want to kill a Lukas? Talk in *gasp* metaphors.))

- I loved how Martin wasn’t letting it go? Was pressing and cornering to get his answers? And was, at the same time, kinda poetic / very… sensible, in his approach?

(MAG151) MARTIN: It doesn’t scare you? SIMON: Martin. Taken on a cosmic scale, we’ve never even been alive…! Not in any way that might register, I mean, if this… dreadful little planet had a fractionally different orbit, and life had never even started here, then… ultimately, nothing of any real importance would have changed. [SILENCE] MARTIN: [POINTEDLY] I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever. SIMON: … What a Lonely way to look at things. Which makes sense, I suppose. […] MARTIN: And… and how did you get started with it all? Did you, did you, [SARCASTIC CHUCKLE] did you just look up at the sky one day, and fall head over heels in love?

1°) Of course, Martin would (even snarkily) describe the process of getting involved with a Fear as ~falling in love~.

2°) I… don’t have much to say about Simon and Martin’s opposition, but I like them both? I like how they’re both extremely valid, indeed, depending on the scale? (And it kind of resonates with Gertrude’s way of dealing with the Fears: she seemed to favour the “big picture” in her own way, sacrificing people if it means saving the world, multiple times; but every person she decided to sacrifice without their consent, or saw as a casualty to attain her goal… had value, too?)

- Interestingly, Martin still spontaneously identified the Distortion as “Michael” – not “Helen”?

(MAG151) MARTIN: Things like Mi– Hum, th– er, the Distortion. I thought they were part of the Entities themselves, ext– extensions. Surely, they know what’s going on? SIMON: Honestly, I think they have it a lot worse than we do. Imagine being a hand that can conceive of itself, having impulses shot through you, being moved and clenched by some unseen mind – but never knowing the reasoning behind your own actions, or even if you’re just some thoughtless reflex. Eww! Sounds horrid.

It sounds like Martin might have listened to the tape between Leitner and Jon, or that Jon kept them updated on that specific bit?

(MAG080) LEITNER: The books are, I think, their essences in a purer form. The other things that stalk us, from what I know of them, they have varying wills of their own. All in service of the thing they’re a part of, but not directly controlled by the mind beneath them. At least, inasmuch as these entities have something we could recognise as a mind. ARCHIVIST: Like a… a, a muscle, spasming on reflex? LEITNER: Yes, that’s actually rather good. ARCHIVIST: It would explain Michael’s identity issues. LEITNER: “Michael”? Oh… that, that’s what the Distortion calls itself these days, isn’t it?

(So… were Breekon&Hope in that category, too? And ;; it really doesn’t bode well regarding Helen’s looming presence around the Archives…)

- ………… I’m glad that Martin immediately thought about the Daedalus when it was about The Vast’s ritual attempt, and:

(MAG151) SIMON: … Do you know when the last ritual I attempted was? MARTIN: I… I don’t know, that space station? SIMON: Oh goodness no, that’s the future my boy! […] I’ve just not been doing much recently, it’s not a good time for perspective, you see. The world all feels too small, these days. I used to do a lot with religion, but it’s just not got the same conceptual scope that it used to. Honestly, I’m pinning most of my long-term hopes on space – but that’s at least a hundred years away.

Simon having Thoughts about the next one was mildly terrifying and atrociously funny: going “that’s the FUTURE” over your next planned apocalypse is…

- Updated list of rituals that aren’t a cause of concern (anymore):

* The Hunt: “The Everchase”, ongoing for at least the past two centuries, aggregating Hunters in America. Doesn’t have a culmination, revelling in the pursuit. (MAG133)

* The Vast: “The Awful Deep”, in 1853. Didn’t really work, and stopped by a Hunter. Simon Fairchild is banking on space for the next attempt. (MAG151)

* The Slaughter: “The Risen War”, should have happened centred around the Nemesis in late 1942, in the Pacific Ocean. It failed due to not meeting all the requirements – probably had a bomb planned that never came. Gertrude finally got confirmation in October 2014 that she didn’t need to worry about it; she threw out wild guesses that The Lonely or The Web could have been responsible for thwarting it. (MAG137)

* The Desolation: “The Scoured Earth”, relying on Agnes Montague, who was neutralised in the 70s when The Web tied her to Gertrude, and the chance got definitely destroyed in 2006 when Agnes began dating Jack Barnabas. Could take only a few decades before they get enough power again – or Agnes lied, and she successfully crashed their chance for this round herself. (MAG139, MAG145)

* The Buried: “The Sunken Sky”, 17th June 2008, in Bucoda, Washington (USA). Stopped by Gertrude by throwing pieces of Jan Kilbride’s Vast-touched body into the pit. (MAG097, MAG129)

* The Flesh: “The Last Feast”, October 2009, under an old Gnostic temple near Istanbul (Turkey). Stopped by Gertrude and Adelard Dekker thanks to a bunch of explosives. (MAG130)

* The Spiral: “The Great Twisting”, somewhere between October 2009 and 2011 (since Leitner told Jon that Gertrude has lost her last assistant “six years ago” in February 2017), in Sannikov Land, which does not exist somewhere in the Arctic. Stopped by Gertrude by sending Michael Shelley with a map inside of The Distortion, to fuse with it. (MAG101, MAG126)

* The Lonely: no name given, but a probable Story coming about that one. Gertrude took care of it, Peter is still cross about it. (MAG134, MAG151)

* The Dark: “The Extinguished Sun”, around the time a full solar eclipse was happening in Ny-Ålesund on 20th March 2015, three centuries after Edmond Halley was possessed by Dark water after Halley’s eclipse (which may have been a planned ritual attempt in itself). Didn’t work for unidentified reasons, might have been linked to Gertrude’s death or lack of faith, or not. (MAG025, MAG140, MAG143)

* The Stranger: “The Unknowing”, 7th August 2017, at the House of Wax in Great Yarmouth (UK). Gertrude had prepared the thwarting with Adelard’s help, stocking plastic explosives and understanding that it would take someone touched by Beholding in the middle of it, had thought of Gerry for that role though wasn’t sure he could pull it off (MAG137). The ritual was effectively stopped by Basira, Daisy, Tim and Jon using that plastic explosive (MAG118, MAG119): with a Beholding-touched person pulling the trigger in the middle of it – Tim. Previous attempt was in October 1787, at the Court Theatre of Buda, Hungary, and was interrupted by an agent of The Slaughter. (MAG116)

* The End: according to Peter, neither wants nor needs a ritual (MAG134: “it knows that it gets everything eventually, so why bother. The End manifesting would not be a new world of terror; it would be a lifeless world. Devoid of everything.”)

* The Web: according to Peter, has never tried to manifest or to get a ritual – though he didn’t sound absolutely sure about Her motives (MAG134: “The Web, I’ve never really been sure about: if I were to guess, I would say it actually prefers the world as is, playing everyone against each other, and so on.”)

We’re still lacking data about:

* ~The Corruption~, which is the Unloved Fear of this season. Gertrude’s laptop revealed that she had bought large amounts of pesticide (MAG066: “There’s also the matter of the products she was ordering. There were several online orders of petrol, lighter fluid, pesticides, and high-powered torches. They are sporadic, but notable, in that she did not drive, smoke or work in pest control.”) and there might have been something attempted during the Prentiss siege against the Magnus Institute on 29th July, 2016, with some of the worms forming a “ring” in the tunnels (MAG041: “Then I found the circle of worms. […] a few were still embedded in the wall providing the clear outline of a circle. The ceiling was higher here, and all told it must have been about… ten feet in diameter. Its size was not the most disconcerting thing though. Inside the circle, the stone was… wrong somehow.”)

* The Eye: “The Rite of the Watcher’s Crown”. According to Gerry Keay, it was the next one on Gertrude’s list together with “The Unknowing”, and she had already devised a plan to stop it (MAG111: “She didn’t tell me much about that one, just that she knew how to take care of it”), which might have involved reducing the Archives to ashes (MAG080: “I assume [Elias] discovered we were planning to destroy the Archives.”, “Planning a little light arson, are we Jurgen?” / MAG092: “So. For the avoidance of any doubt. I killed Gertrude Robinson because she intended to destroy the Archives.”). Robert Smirke feared that Jonah Magnus was trying to launch it in 1867 (MAG138). Might “have” to happen in 2018, as Jon noticed the two-hundred years anniversary of the Institute’s founding (MAG127) and is experiencing a feeling of urgency (MAG137: “I feel like I’m on a deadline, like I’m running out of time somehow”).

* + The Extinction’s own birth: incoming.

(… Now that I’m thinking again about it: if it turns out that Jonah had indeed tried to launch The Watcher’s Crown under the counter, and that Gertrude didn’t know about it, and that The Eye lost its chance 150 years ago…)

- With the casual reminder that Peter is originally a captain (MAG151, Simon: “The answer to the first is simple: I lost a bet, and this is how the good captain chooses to use that.”), a dimension which has been entirely absent throughout season 4 (Peter had made nautical puns in MAG120, though), and the mention that he was probably “home-schooled”, it feels like a Lukas statement could be (finally!) coming? We also got another confirmation that The Lonely has had its chance this round, and that it had been dealt with:

(MAG134) PETER: Martin… it’s going to be decades, if not centuries, before I get another chance to bring Forsaken into this world. Your last Archivist saw to that. Honestly, if Elias hadn’t killed that woman, I’d have been very tempted. I warned him she was a danger– MARTIN: Peter! PETER: –but he’s always– MARTIN: Peter. PETER: … Anyway. The point is that, yes, obviously, if I last that long, I’m going to try again. But I’m… rather keen for the world not to end, in the meantime?

(MAG151) MARTIN: Is Peter attempting a ritual? SIMON: Not in the sense that you’re used to. Him and his family made their play a few years ago and they failed. I’m sure he’d like me to explain it, but I think he can do that one himself.

So there is definitely a story behind this, and we might get lucky enough to get it directly from Peter’s mouth. Either with Peter telling Martin (on Martin’s request, as a guarantee?), either because Jon, starved and holding a Martin-shaped grudge, will jump at his throat and rip it out of him.

(- The “Great Twisting” happened after October 2009 and Peter had brought Gertrude and Michael Shelley there… so was that before or after Gertrude had crashed their ritual?

Probably before, but. Consider the following: Peter having lost a bet to Elias or to GERTRUDE HERSELF, and consequently being forced to escort Gertrude&Michael with the promise not to throw them overboard or to feed them to The Lonely. Would have been a lovely ride.)

- I’m specifically hysterical over the way Simon described how his last ritual attempt went:

(MAG151) SIMON: It’s all a matter of perspective, you see. My patron has gifted me with… quite frankly, an absurdly long life. An appropriate gift, and one that serves to provide a certain distance from things. Of course, a paltry few centuries is nothing, really, but it’s more than most get. And even in that brief time, I’ve seen all sorts of ebbs and flows to balance off things. … Do you know when the last ritual I attempted was? MARTIN: I… I don’t know, that space station? SIMON: Oh goodness no, that’s the future my boy! But no; it was 1853! The height of the aquarium mania! All over the Empire, people were starting to understand the depths of the terrible unknown below the ocean. And I thought that was a rich vein to be tapped. Even bothered old [Aullier?] into helping me design a special diving bell for the ritual. I called it “The Awful Deep” – and between you and me, I was rather proud of myself. MARTIN: … So why didn’t it work? SIMON: Because it… wasn’t a very good idea…? The Fear wasn’t out there, not like I hoped it was. It all sort of… fizzled. Also, a Hunter broke in and destroyed the mechanism, sent me and all my sacrifices plummeting to the bottom of the ocean.

(I still haven’t managed to catch the name of whoever helped him design the diving bell, but I discovered in the process of searching for it that Edmond Halley historically designed one, which, SCREAMS. But it didn’t sound like the way they have been pronouncing “Halley” until now so, relief.) (Welp no, apparently, it’s a possible pronunciation for “Halley”, so it was him. No wonder that the Fairchilds were invited to cough money for the space station, then, if they had already collaborated in the past.)

He sounds so excited over his failure, and just casually mentioned in passing how yeah, it still killed off a lot of people in the process. (… and it presumably ruined the chance of everyone feeling Vast-affiliated to get off their own ritual for a few centuries? And just because he got his fancy idea and ran with it? HE WAS SO PROUD OF “THE AWFUL DEEP” AND IT WAS SO UNINSPIRED, SIMON PLEASE……………)

- So, with the description of the failed ritual… What was “The Maria Fairchild”, wrecked off the coast of Nova Scotia?

(MAG051, Antonia Hayley) “The old man, Simon Fairchild, had come to us claiming that he had pinpointed the location he believed his great-grandfather’s sailing yacht had been sunk almost a hundred-and-twenty years ago, and he was keen to retrieve any heirlooms or curios he could from it. The only thing interesting or… unusual about his story, was the amount of money he was willing to throw around to back it up.”

1°) 120 years ago meant, at the time of the statement, around 1890s, which is not the aforementioned 1853.

2°) Simon hadn’t yet stolen the identity of “Simon Fairchild” in the 19th century, so the boat welcoming the ritual… couldn’t have been called “Fairchild” unless coincidence?

So, was it the boat from the ritual attempt but Jonny mixed up dates? Or, given that it’s Simon and, as far as I recall, no one else has mentioned the existence of “The Maria Fairchild” existence outside of him (no mention of whether the captain had corroborated Simon’s information, Jon hadn’t tried to fact-check because those events took place in Canada), did Simon just… bullshit that whole backstory in MAG051, just because he wanted new sacrifices and/or recruits and any boat would have done the trick? [Edit: the boat was named “Maria Fairchild” in MAG051, though, they read the plaque before diving.]

- Clock in the background during this episode, so… was it in Elias’s office? We had heard the clock in MAG067, MAG092, MAG102, MAG116, MAG120 (and for the last four, it was implied to indeed take place in Elias’s personal workplace); given how it was heard in MAG126 and MAG142, I had been assuming that Martin was in Elias’s old office, though it wasn’t the case in MAG134 and MAG144 (and MAG149… may have been the Archives’ other office?).

… so, if That Clock indeed means Elias’s office. Does it mean that I’m hearing everything right and have the correct assumptions for what these sounds mean:

(MAG151) [CLICK–] [CONSTANT CLOCK TICKING IN THE BACKGROUND] [FOOTSTEPS ECHOING IN THE BACKGROUND, COMING CLOSER] [CONSTANT STATIC BEGINS] SIMON: Ouuh! Hello? [CHAIR SCRAPING] Hmm~ [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] Hm–mh! [CHAIR SCRAPING] [SELF-SATISFIED CHUCKLE] [DRAWERS OPENED?] [MORE CHUCKLING] MARTIN: [FAR] Ah! Uh, excuse me sir, you– [IN THE ROOM] Uh, sorry, you can’t actually be here… SIMON: Oh, not to worry! I seem to be doing alright so far. [PAPER SOUNDS] MARTIN: No, I– I mean, this area is actually off-limits to the public, so– SIMON: And quite~ right~ too~! Goodness! The things they could learn here…! Turn your hair white, eh? [CHUCKLE] Best to keep them out, I say! [TURNING A PAGE, HUMMING]

Was Simon just rummaging into Elias’s desk and looking through files like that, because sIMON AHAHAHAHAH.

- Aaaand we got a date for the statement: August 14th 2018!

Elias has been in prison for more than a year, YOUHOU!!!

… Which means precisely we’re past the one-year anniversary of The Unknowing (is it why Jon immediately thought about it in MAG150?), and precisely one year and one week since Tim’s death. SOB. (This season still feels so… strange to me, on the fact that: you don’t really feel like seasons 1 to 3 technically happened. There is virtually nothing left of Sasha (understandable: no certain memories of her) nor Tim, who has barely been mentioned. In the same way that this season has been physically more centred on the inside of the Institute compared to season 3 (the exceptions being four visits to Elias, a glimpse at Melanie’s therapist, MAG141 and MAG143 about the Svalbard trip, MAG147 at Hill Top Road), it’s like time… stopped a bit, too – there is barely any future except the prospect of The Extinction and the looming threat of The Watcher’s Crown, and the only relevant past has been about… spooks, rituals, Gertrude. Tim had worked in the Archives for almost two years, and yet, it doesn’t feel like… he ever existed there…? It’s as though, with Peter’s arrival, some of the relationship maps, present or past, have been broken, too. I still wonder if it’s just like that, if Tim&Sasha are just… not meant to be relevant ever again, or if feelings are meant to come out pouring, sticky and corrosive, at some point, when there would be an argument about self-sacrifice/dying/surviving. Same with Martin’s relationship to his mother.)

So, timeline time!

MAG121 (+MAG122?): February 15th 2018 MAG123: February 17th (“Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.”) MAG124: February 24th~ (“It’s been a week and… Melanie’s attitude towards me hasn’t softened.”) MAG125: ? MAG126: ? MAG127: ? MAG128: 3rd March [Jon extracting Breekon’s statement] MAG129: ? MAG130: 17th~ March (“It’s been two weeks since I heard from Basira”) [Gertrude recording] MAG131: 20th March [Jon taking Jared’s statement] MAG132: 24th March (given that Jon has been in the coffin for three days, either 21 to 24th, or 24 to 27th?) MAG133: ? MAG134: ? [Martin reading a statement] MAG135: ? MAG136: at the very least two weeks after MAG132 (since Jon hasn’t seen Daisy in his dreams “for the last couple of weeks”) MAG137: ? [Gertrude recording] MAG138: ? [Martin reading a statement] MAG139: ? MAG140: one day after MAG139; end of May 2018 (“Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight, and should arrive about a week before.”) MAG141: June 11th 2018 (two days before arrival) MAG142: June 12th 2018 [Martin taking Jess Tyrell’s complaint] MAG143: June 16th 2018 [Jon taking Manuela’s statement] MAG144: ? (same day or shortly after MAG143, since Jon&Basira are “back”) [Martin reading a statement] MAG145: “just over a week” since Jon&Basira’s return [Gertrude recording] MAG146: (July 20th 2018 or the day prior?) MAG147: July 20th 2018 MAG148: ? MAG149: ? [Martin reading a statement] MAG150: ? MAG151: August 14th 2018 [Martin taking Simon’s statement]

* … I didn’t remember that gigantic gap between Jon’s return from Norway and the Hill Top Road expedition, wow.

* 2018 carries on. Jon is aware that it’s the 200th anniversary of the Institute, and the year… is not over yet, but only four months and a half remaining.

* Jon’s last live-statement was two months ago, and that’s when he also he destroyed the Dark Sun. (And he’s remained weak and hungry since then; we… still don’t know if the symptoms will fade with time, or if… they’ll just get worse.)

* When did Jon find Martin’s tapes?

(MAG151) BASIRA: I don’t think so. Three weeks I’ve been waiting to catch sight of you, and now I find you chatting with Simon Fairchild. No, you’re not pulling your little “vanishing act” on me. […] MARTIN: You–you know about that? BASIRA: Yeah. Jon found the tapes you made for him– MARTIN: SHH–SHH-SHH!! SHHHHH!!! BASIRA: [LOWER] Found a stash of them a while ago. I made sure he shared with the class. MARTIN: Oh, there you go, then!

Basira has been trying to get her hands on Martin for “three weeks”, which means since around July 25th, so… after the Annabelle expedition. So, looks like she followed the vein of paranoia and tried to check if something else was manipulating them / keeping an eye on them?

But it doesn’t mean that that was when Jon found the tapes: was it after Annabelle? Or after their return from Norway? Or even before the trip?

- Some tiny doubt regarding sound – was that static, or a ruffling of clothes?

(MAG151) MARTIN: [SIGH] BASIRA: Who was that? MARTIN: Basira, please, I don’t have time. BASIRA: Oh no, you don’t! [OUTBURST OF STATIC?] MARTIN: Basira, let. go. BASIRA: I don’t think so.

I thiiiiiiiiiink it was static given how it was “fading” when Martin spoke but I’m not sure about it (it lacked the faint distorted sounds that we could hear in MAG149, imitating Peter’s, but then, they were preceded with static at that time. Martin is just very faint compared to Jon or Peter). The way I understand it: Basira grabbed Martin before he could disappear like he had managed to do with Georgie? And Basira wasn’t surprised about it, so it maaaaybe indeed, when she had told Jon that Martin tended to “disappear”:

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: Do they? … W–w–who else– Did Martin say something? BASIRA: … It was a few months back. After the attack. He’d started spending time with Lukas. At least, he said he was. And I wanted answers. He kept telling me to trust him, to hear the guy out even though he still wouldn’t actually show his face. I told him he could… drop me an email or vanish me. ARCHIVIST: … Right. BASIRA: Honestly, I kind of regret not just… grabbing Martin and shaking an explanation out of him. But I didn’t want to push it. He was in a… bad place, what with the attack and his mom and everything, so I didn’t press it. Now, I try and bring it up, he just… disappears. Nothing to be done.

… she meant that in a spooky way already? It was unclear to me whether she meant that he was just leaving and refusing to talk and hiding for a while every time she tried to talk to him, or whether he was disappearing in the Peter way.

(- So, it took Basira three weeks to get her hands on Martin, which means he’s (getting?) inaccessible. Yet, Daisy had managed to find him in MAG142 (in a room with a clock in the background) and in MAG144 (… without any clock). Which means he wasn’t in the same place that second time.

… Had Daisy been Hunting him back then, to be able to find him so easily…?)

- It was minor but at the same time… I got Feelings over the fact that Basira, who had pointed out to Jon that she hadn’t managed to get a lot from Martin’s mouth, who told Jon she hadn’t wanted to “push” Martin given his circumstances, snapped this time and didn’t let it go. Wanted to hear, from Martin himself, that he wasn’t betraying them; asked/ordered him to talk to her:

(MAG151) BASIRA: That makes me worried. Makes me suspicious. [SILENCE] Tell me I’m wrong. MARTIN: [INSTANTLY] You’re wrong. BASIRA: So what’s going on, then? [SILENCE] Talk to me. MARTIN: It’s complicated.

It’s… probably worrisome from Basira – she’s been way too suspicious of everyone, she even used the same vocabulary with Martin as the one Melanie had used to depict her (… so Melanie wasn’t exaggerating):

(MAG131) MELANIE: [LONG EXHALE] Basira is, hum… Basira deals in “intel” these days, in “usable data”; assets, not “feelings”, not… “people”. Crying, shaking, nightmares, that is “better”. It doesn’t feel like it, but as far as Basira sees it, I’m not compromised anymore, and… that is “better”.

(MAG151) BASIRA: Jon may be going through a whole “we have to trust Martin” thing, but I’m not. As far as I can see, you’re either compromised, or you’re being played. And I want to know which.

But at the same time, she let him go and her “Don’t make me regret this.” was saying that she would let him do his thing. So. She finally (kind of) shook an explanation out of him, in the end, and… she knows what he’s heading for. Was it the self-sacrificing bit which convinced her of his good faith – since she… should guess that, indeed, if Jon knew about it, Jon would probably try to prevent it?

- On the other hand: Basira’s paranoia spiral is very reminiscent of Jon’s in season 2, mixed with her background as a police officer – is that… a Beholding effect at work? She was also very quick at pinpointing that the guy Martin had spoken with was Simon:

(MAG151) BASIRA: I don’t think so. Three weeks I’ve been waiting to catch sight of you, and now I find you chatting with Simon Fairchild. No, you’re not pulling your little “vanishing act” on me. MARTIN: How did you know about– BASIRA: Yeah, Jon’s not the only one who listens to statements.

We got a description of Simon in MAG051 (“He must have been pushing a hundred years old, just a tiny pink skeleton of a man”) so it could have been thanks to that… but randomly knowing stuff and claiming to have read it in a statement was also what happened with Jon:

(MAG102) ARCHIVIST: Is there anyone else who might know what it is, or– or where? Aside from Leitner, or Gerard. ELIAS: … Sorry? Gerard Keay? ARCHIVIST: Uh… yes…? ELIAS: How did you… Who, who told you he was working with Gertrude? ARCHIVIST: No-one, I–I–I just, I… I read it in one of the statements. ELIAS: I don’t think you did. ARCHIVIST: I… but… aaah… ELIAS: You just… knew it! ARCHIVIST: What, no, I, I… Th– that’s not a– ELIAS: No, no, no. No, Jon, this is good. It’s a promising development!

(Jon had already casually put Gerry in the list of people who had worked with Gertrude in MAG099; so he hadn’t noticed that he had Known about it… like that, for a while.)

So. Maybe Basira just guessed because “tiny pink skeleton of a man” + spook translates into Simon Fairchild (we listeners would also think about it), but… there is also the possibility that she’s going through a s2!Jon phase without realising, falling deeper into Beholding. ;;

- Though, AHAHAH, obviously, Basira would be extremely suspicious and cautious about the idea of “x is following a Spook’s leads (and it will end badly)”.

(MAG151) MARTIN: … It’s none of your business. BASIRA: No? ‘Cause it seems to me like you’re panning around two very dangerous people right around the time you’re cutting all of us out. […] MARTIN: Look, I don’t have time for this. I–I don’t like that I have to work with Peter any more than you do, and I didn’t know that Simon was involved until today. But I would hope that you and Jon understood the importance of preventing an apocalypse. BASIRA: [SIGH] I guess I’m just a bit burned out on the end of the world. MARTIN: Yeah, well… that’s your problem. […] BASIRA: You’re not expecting to come out of this, are you? MARTIN: … I’ll do what I have to. If I’m right… no one else needs to get hurt. [SILENCE] BASIRA: [SIGH] … Okay. You want to do whatever “grand sacrifice” you think is going to save everyone, go ahead. But you’d best be sure you’re not just playing their game. MARTIN: I know what I’m doing. BASIRA: We’ll see. [PAUSE] Don’t make me regret this.

From her perspective, Martin is… doing with Peter exactly what she had done with Elias: and when she planned to prevent an apocalypse by going to Norway with Jon, it only resulted in Jon attacking Floyd, and indeed neutralising the Dark Sun – but becoming weaker and hungry in the process. And even before that: The Unknowing had cost her Daisy a first time, and she had spent seven months trying to convince herself that, even though there was no body, Daisy was dead. I don’t think that Basira is trying to make amends of the fact that she had hidden that she was following Elias’s leads, however; it was a sore spot when Jon tried to reproach it in MAG148 and she had immediately bit back. She’s been grown quite dry and hypocritical since The Unknowing? Only able to trust herself, like she told Jon in MAG128? But, at the very least, she would know from experience that… no, following Peter/Elias’s leads only serves their plans.

- !! I had already squinted hard over Jon’s description of Martin’s situation last episode:

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: And at least none of us is suffering alone. … Martin’s got it the worst, of course. But it still seems to be his choice. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing.

And INDEED, it makes a lot of sense that he had known for a while a bit More about Martin’s situation than we thought.

(MAG151) BASIRA: Yeah. Jon found the tapes you made for him– MARTIN: SHH–SHH-SHH!! SHHHHH!!! BASIRA: [LOWER] Found a stash of them a while ago. I made sure he shared with the class. MARTIN: Oh, there you go, then! BASIRA: Jon may be going through a whole “we have to trust Martin” thing, but I’m not.

So that’s why Jon knew that Martin had it bad with The Lonely, and how he knew that Martin had a plan and wasn’t just a victim or being held hostage by Peter! But that raises a few questions:

* How long has Jon known about it? Was it only recently (after Norway or after Hill Top Road) or for longer? In MAG139 already, Jon had wondered why they had been “chosen” and had asked the question about Martin specifically; he knew that Peter had plans, and was exceptionally worried about Martin, to the point of trying to use his powers to Know about Peter’s projects:

(MAG139) ARCHIVIST: Why were we chosen? Agnes was created – crafted with a specific purpose so finely tuned that even a grain of uncertainty threatened the entirety of her being. [CHORTLING] But I’m so full of doubt it feels like there’s no room for anything else, and… I’m sure Martin is the same…! […] [SIGH] I’m just worried about Martin. … Christ… Every other Avatar gets to have their feelings… burned right out of them, but me? I’ve… just got to sit in mine. … I know he said he had everything under control. I need… to trust him; whatever he’s doing with Peter, he’s… he knows what he’s doing. Probably. I just– … [VERY FAST] I need him to be okay. I just do. … If I… Knew… what his plan was; if I knew what Peter was doing; if I just– [WHISPERING] … Can I…?

… Had Jon already listened to one of the tapes, back then?

* … Which tapes has Jon listened to?

-> MAG149: Martin read a note from Gertrude (the statement-giver had been sent by Adelard, and Gertrude was aware that Adelard was calling what he suspected to be a new Fear “The Extinction”). Martin highlighted that Peter abandoning him was probably in order to increase his loneliness/Lonely-compatibity. … It………….. also contains Georgie and Martin’s exchange, and AOUCH AOUCH AOUCH if Jon heard that one……………………

-> MAG144: the other side of Martin pushing Daisy away – that he was fearing that Peter would go after her. The keyword “Extinction” mentioned multiple times, Martin exceptionally snappy at Peter and trying to get answers, Peter announcing that Martin would meet someone and get a few answers.

-> MAG142: Martin (?) had already got that one through to Basira&Melanie&Daisy by MAG146.

-> MAG138: was directly addressed to Jon at the end, though the statement mostly dealt with The Eye and Smirke’s Architecture (The Extinction was only namedropped by Martin once during the post-statement). Martin warned that Peter might be interested in the tunnels below the Institute. It also gave some information about Jonah Magnus / a potential Watcher’s Crown attempt, or project, and Jon, who had been exceptionally impatient on that subject in MAG137… just stopped mentioning it afterwards.

-> MAG134: was the one which talked in great length about The Extinction, with both Adelard’s and Peter’s inputs. It was also when Peter confirmed that The Lonely has already attempted its ritual during the current cycle, and that both The Web and The End were assumed to be uninterested in trying to pull one off. It… would make sense that Jon and the others listened to this one, given how Jon didn’t mention researching the rituals of the Web and the End (and, indeed, if he knew that they’re not a current concern… there’s no need to focus on them). Interestingly: it’s also during that post-statement that Peter and Martin discussed Jon’s journey in the coffin, and how Martin had put the tape recorders around it. So: Jon would know that Martin was still keen on protecting him.

Tl;dr Especially with MAG134 and MAG138, Jon would have had proof that, no, Martin was not abandoning them and was still… very much on their (Jon’s) side.

* And that’s also why the Team Archives seem to be on standby since Hill Top Road – they’re indeed waiting, because they’re aware that Martin is the one dealing with a current threat!

* Jon seems to be sticking to his decision from MAG117 to “trust” the assistants… but given how Tim died/sacrificed himself on him through that trust, I wonder if that’s his entire reason. Is Jon taking some comfort in the distance with Martin, because it means not having to face Martin after what Jon did to the five people he attacked in season 4…?

* Will Jon&co find another of Dekker’s statements (Peter had told Martin that he hadn’t found all of them as of MAG144) in the Archives? Or something about Dekker’s whereabouts? What happened to Dekker, why is he absolutely silent right now…

(My bets are on either “became one of the first Extinction avatars somehow”, either “got killed by Peter who ‘overreacted’ like Elias had done with Leitner”.)

* Heyheyheyhey, I was already wondering why Jon had read MAG150’s statement and if something had been influencing him – why reach the conclusion that he had to keep trusting Martin and not do anything, when the statement was demonstrating that affection and trying to reach could break through The Lonely?

1°) That’s because Jon doesn’t think, at the moment, that Martin needs to be “saved”, because he has proof (Martin’s tapes) that Martin is planning something – and not simply swallowed into something he doesn’t understand at all. (Though, yeah, we know, it will… likely backfire.)

2°) That’s also giving clues, as a safety net, to maybe manage to get Martin back in case everything goes to hell thanks to Peter.

3°) ……………………. DID JON

SPECIFICALLY

PICK

THAT STATEMENT

AS A SORT-OF-INDIRECT-MESSAGE TO MARTIN

BECAUSE IT WAS GIVING HIM AN OCCASION TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”……………

- We got Simon, absolutely chill and casually gleeful about sacrificing people and, Jon, at least in MAG146, wasn’t… fine with it (Helen’s “It would be better if you embraced it.” was telling: he currently isn’t).

That question has been at the back of my mind since we’ve begun to meet avatars: Jude quite easily butchered her first victim, Mike Crew explained that he had discovered he didn’t mind killing to reach his goal while on his quest to escape The Spiral, Simon said he “never looked back” since he embraced The Vast, Oliver said that he had understood what he had to do on the boat (meaning, shooting the captain and leading everyone to their deaths)… Did all of them rewrite their own history after the fact, presenting their pasts as more “coherent” with who they currently are, and was there a time they actually used to be more ashamed and desperate about their own actions and sacrifices; or were they already quite down with murder from the start? (Oliver is probably the most ambiguous case: he sounded absolutely hopeful and Trying His Best in MAG011, but present!Oliver talked of his past self as mostly naïve… and admitted that he had even lied through omission, back then.)

Jon mentioned a “bias of survivorship” in MAG129 regarding victims; is there one regarding avatars, too, because usually, the ones choosing these paths would already have been quite ruthless? Is that an ineluctable progression (through habit, desensitisation, repetition), or was Jon a bit of an… outlier, from the start, potentially by accident – although he had been giving the impression of being dry and cruel at the start of the series, we discovered that it… was mostly a façade, in his case, because he tends to Hide Himself quite efficiently?

- Simon’s and Arthur Nolan’s words about Rituals/Entities/their relationships to their patrons were… quite similar?

(MAG145) ARTHUR: You’ve never really had to bother with it, have you? You got him upstairs to point the way as often as not, and the rest of the time you’re just figuring out people – or things that used to be people. You never try to talk with that Eye of yours. You never had to second-guess a god. ‘Cause that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? We feel Its joy and Its… anger; It warps us, and changes us, and feeds on us, though not in the ways we expect. The one thing It never does is just… tell us what to do. It seeds us with this… aching, impossible desire to change the world, to bring It to us. Then, It leaves us to guess and bicker and fight over how the hell you can actually do it. … If it’s possible. Sometimes, I think They understand us as… little as we understand Them. We don’t think like They do. GERTRUDE: I’m not actually convinced they “think” at all. ARTHUR: You might be right. But Agnes did. That’s the thing about an… “incarnation”, isn’t it? […] Find me one so-called “expert” on all of this who didn’t end up regretting all of it! … That’s the trouble with overthinking any of this: you ignore your gut. And to my mind, that’s the only part any of Them Beyond… actually care about. They don’t give a toss about your “rules”, or “systems”. They only care about what feels right, what freezes your belly with terror.

(MAG151) SIMON: The thing you have to remember is that no one actually knows how these things work. Not really. There’s always been plenty of theories, of course, and over a century or two you do start to get an intuitive feel for it, but… there’s really no hard and fast “rules”. The Powers, or Entities, or Fears, or whatever you want to call them, are bound up in… emotion. In feeling. How they exist, what they can do, how they interact with the world, it… it all makes about as much logical sense as a nightmare. Which is to say, there is a certain sort of emotional logic to it all. Things feel like they flow together in a way that makes sense, but if you try to stop and… do the maths, then it all comes apart. At least, in my experience. “When is a new Power born?” Well; when does it feel like its birth would be right? When enough creatures suffer a terror of it that feels distinct, that feels truly its own… then it would probably feel right for it to emerge into its own. Or perhaps there’s a ritual, if it feels right to enact some sort of birthing ceremony, some… apocalyptic midwifery. […] MARTIN: You make it sound like the… the Entities don’t even know that they’re doing. SIMON: I have no idea if they’re doing anything at all – if they’re even capable of “doing” things. I know that most of their servants are simply doing their best to interpret and serve something that is almost definitively inconceivable. MARTIN: You can’t be serious…! SIMON: Alright. Let’s… try one of those analogies Peter finds so annoying. Hum… imagine you are deaf. But every night, you hear the most beautiful music in yours dreams. And your every waking thought is consumed by trying to reproduce that music. Oh! You’re mute, as well, in this analogy, or at least you can’t sing. And you need to invent the idea of a musical instrument from scratch. Everyone else is also deaf, and mute, and, hum… MARTIN: Yes, yes, I think I get it. SIMON: Yes, well, the point is, most of us are trying so desperately to recreate our own dream symphony that… we bring an awful lot of our own baggage into the mix. […] And honestly, the idea that this is all some… “grand cosmic joke”, thousands of us running around spreading horror and sabotaging each other pointlessly while these impossible, unknowable things just lurk out there, feeding off the misery we cause… [INHALE] I find that interpretation quite appealing…! MARTIN: … “But”? SIMON: I still hear the music in my dreams.

………………. but it raises, more and more, the question: Jon, what music do you hear in your own dreams? (Jon was especially worrisome in MAG145’s post-statement…)

At least, Jon is currently accepting the cold turkey (or at least, as far as we know, he hasn’t wrestled Basira&Daisy&Melanie to try to get out to go hunt) but… how long can it even go on…

- Reassuring point: Team Archives has actually been communicating in the tapes’ backs, since Jon shared his discoveries with the others and they all know about The Extinction. When Jon was describing their less-than-ideal-but-we’re-trying-to-face-Peter’s-effects in MAG150, it had sounded absolutely cold but… there is a bit more substance to it, then (they’re indeed sharing, and hiding from the tapes).

Good: Martin still Very Aware that Peter is bad, because the fact that he was growing accustomed to his presence / was desperate to the point of almost-missing-Peter-as-he-was-the-last-person-he-could-interact-with had me a bit worried.

(MAG142) MARTIN: [SIGH] Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people.

(MAG149) MARTIN: Sort of… surprised Peter hasn’t rocked up with some more… “insights”? Haven’t seen him around for a while, actually. I mean… eh, it’s not like I miss him [CHUCKLING] but, at least he was someone to– [PAUSE] … Ah. [HUFF] [PAPER RUSTLING] Yeah, that makes sense. [EXHALE] A’ight, fine. Just… me on my lonesome for a while, then. … Could be worse. … Peaceful, at least. … I don’t miss all the shouting. [CHUCKLE]

(MAG151) MARTIN: Look, I don’t have time for this. I–I don’t like that I have to work with Peter any more than you do, and I didn’t know that Simon was involved until today. But I would hope that you and Jon understood the importance of preventing an apocalypse. […] Peter’s the one with the plan, and… it needs me to be alone. BASIRA: And you don’t see anything suspicious about that? MARTIN: Of course I do! But it… might be the only way and… [INHALE] So far, at least, he’s been honest with me. Awful, but… honest. I need to do this. For everyone.

Bad: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, super worried that Basira and Martin, although they (… naïvely?!) tried to keep quiet, explicitly discussed what Martin was doing behind Peter’s back……………….

(MAG151) MARTIN: It’s complicated. BASIRA: What? They’re just here out of the goodness of their hearts? Helping you save the world from Extinction? MARTIN: You–you know about that? BASIRA: Yeah. Jon found the tapes you made for him– MARTIN: SHH–SHH-SHH!! SHHHHH!!! BASIRA: [LOWER] Found a stash of them a while ago. I made sure he shared with the class. MARTIN: Oh, there you go, then!

mARTIN, BABE??? I don’t think that trying to keep your voices low helped in any way?! If Peter was there eavesdropping, then he’s still there and listening. If whatever-is-listening-through-the-tape-recorders didn’t already know already that Martin had a stash of tapes, and that Jon&co had listened to them already, then It knows now. If Elias was Watching you two and is planning to tell Peter… then he will be able to do it anyway.

And even: Elias called Martin out on being a manipulator back in MAG138; he… probably saw Martin stashing the tapes, Jon discovering them and sharing them with the others? So if he’s in this with Peter… he’ll probably tell him, or has told him already. Which. Shit. The fact that Martin is still trying to hide his double-agenda sounds more and more useless…?

I’m a bit afraid that Martin has been trying what worked with Elias with Peter: staying close, focusing on their shared goals (stopping The Unknowing / The Extinction), roughly following the path he’s assigned (reading statements, staying at the Institute while he “officially” wanted to go with the others / agreeing to cut ties with the others) while showing his discontentment for good measure… and planning to backstab when he’d find a weakness. But Peter is not Elias (and we’re not even sure that Elias wasn’t counting on the others to take him down and send him to prison, given how it had been “easy” for Melanie to find evidence against him…); Gerry had pointed out to Jon that the Lukases were “very good” at pushing people “in the right direction” amongst the family.

- Simon technically avoided to answer one of Martin’s Big Questions:

(MAG151) MARTIN: … Fine. So why me? What’s his plan? Why not get the others involved? SIMON: He is what he is, Martin. For a creature of The Lonely, the urge is always to isolate; never to communicate or connect. I suspect that’s why he’s so keen on wagers: it allows him a framework for cooperation that doesn’t risk any sort of intimacy. As for his plan… [INHALE] I don’t know the details. But I believe there’s something in the Institute that he thinks can help his cause. MARTIN: … And he needs me to use it. SIMON: Presumably – from what he said, it must be “powerfully aligned to The Watcher”. If he wishes to use it, it would need someone already touched by The Eye. And if he wants to control that someone… MARTIN: They need to serve The Lonely.

Why Martin? Peter had highlighted that Martin was already Lonely-compatible, and Elias acknowledged that he had basically given Martin to him:

(MAG134) MARTIN: Mm–okay. Okay, so, so let’s say, for now, that I believe you. Hypothetically. Wh–what does this have to do with me? PETER: [BREATHES] I’m still working out some of the kinks. But I believe I have a plan. However, it requires this place, and it requires someone touched by The Beholding. Elias was, perhaps unsurprisingly, unwilling to help. MARTIN: And you thought that since I’m so lonely already, I’d be ideal. PETER: Yes!

(MAG138) MARTIN: So why haven’t you helped him?! […] ELIAS: Anyway, I have helped him. I’ve given him control of the Institute, I’ve provided him with–   MARTIN: Me? ELIAS: –any manpower he might require.

Which, indeed, we saw happening in MAG108:

(MAG108) MARTIN: Oh. You’re… one of them, aren’t you. A… a Lukas. PETER: Yes, that’s– Peter. Pleased to meet you. Now, how did you know that? MARTIN: I, I was just reading? Jon left some notes, and… PETER: Ah, I see. I’m sorry to have disturbed you. It’s one of Elias’s little jokes. MARTIN: I don– What? PETER: Did he suggest you record a statement today? One that mentioned me? MARTIN: … yeah? Sssort of? I mean… not you specifically, but… PETER: I have a meeting with him today. He suggested… I’m sure he’s watching from his office, grinning from ear to ear. MARTIN: I… don’t… PETER: I almost thought he genuinely wanted me to meet the team! Oh well. MARTIN: I’m really sorry, I… I don’t actually…

So, Elias had orchestrated Martin’s and Peter’s meeting, knew that Martin would catch Peter’s interest, Peter is indeed all set on Martin helping/being used for his plan against The Extinction – but why Martin specifically? There was a large pool of Beholding-trapped assistants at the time of MAG108: Basira was around (though she was together with Daisy so that was probably making her lose Lonely points); Melanie had already read two statements and Elias had just pointed out how her life was “indeed shockingly absent of any meaningful connections. That’s actually one of the reasons I chose you for this job” (MAG106; though Elias also pulverised her in that episode and Martin&Basira witnessed how she was having a bad time afterwards); Tim… had been shown to be particularly impacted by Sasha’s death, had just described how his brother had died a few years ago, had been dangerously antagonising towards Elias (MAG104), and had decided to turn his back on everyone in the Archives to go it solo. Martin indeed sounded like a logical choice, but there were still other options – so what was the tipping argument to throw Martin at Peter? Was it because Elias had never been fond of Martin in the first place (he tended to treat him with casual contempt in MAG060 and MAG084)? Was it because Martin’s ~hopeless crush~ and situation with his mother made him especially isolated/lonely? Was it because Martin was the most “actively” Beholding amongst the assistants in the statements-reading area? That was the reason why Elias had jumped on the idea of keeping him at the Institute when the others were planning the trip for The Unknowing:

(MAG116) MARTIN: No, no, I can help, I’ve been reading the statements! ELIAS: … Quite right, er, probably best he does stay behind. BASIRA: What, so you have a backup if Jon doesn’t make it? ELIAS: I’m sure that won’t be necessary.

(-> Elias didn’t confirm that he was planning to use Martin as a back-up Archivist, but the fact that he had read statements was a Super Effective argument, so it… mattered, in one way or another.)

(I think it’s very likely, in canon, that Martin’s lineage is absolutely unspooky, and that his family story is a “normal” family drama, as painful and tragic and heart-breaking as it is already? But I’m also very very very onboard with the Lukas!Martin theory and won’t give up on it as long as I don’t have Martin’s birth certificate and a dozen blood-testing results from different labs to prove that his father wasn’t a runaway Lukas, so:

(MAG151) MARTIN: …. Who are you? Did Peter send you? SIMON: Ah, you must be Martin? Goodness! He was not exaggerating. MARTIN: What’s that supposed to mean? SIMON: Oh, come now, don’t be like that.

… What was that “He was not exaggerating” referring to? Was it to Martin’s behaviour (the fact he was a bit nagging, or trying to keep people away from dangerous areas, or quickly understanding that this old man could be acquainted with Peter)? Or was it about Martin’s physical appearance – Martin, who is apparently the spitting image of his father…?)

(Other possibility: Simon went “He was not exaggerating” because Martin, who wasn’t canonically “the hot one” in MAG052 (that was Tim.), is actually the “ASTOUNDINGLY AND INCREDIBLY hot one” in the team.)

- I’m impressed at how Martin has learned to navigate amongst the Fears architecture on his own? Even in season 3, he had a lot of trouble with the powers and recurring figures:

(MAG098) MARTIN: [SIGH] I wish John kept better organised notes because I know he’s mentioned someone called Maxwell Rayner, but I cannot find much in the way of any info–

Back then, “Maxwell Rayner” shouldn’t have been such a vague name for Martin, given how he had participated in the researches around Hither Green in MAG025 and the Montauk case in MAG052. But here, Martin immediately identified “Simon Fairchild” as The One:

(MAG151) SIMON: Oh, come now, don’t be like that. [INHALE] Let’s start over. Simon – Simon Fairchild. Peter asked me to look in on you and… have a small chat. Well! A big chat, really. Answer all those… nagging questions. MARTIN: Simon Fairchild. [PAUSE] [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Wait, “Simon Fairchild” as in… SIMON: As in “all those people who said I did horrible things to them and their loved ones”? Yes. They have been in, haven’t they? I’d hate to think I’m underrepresented in here, not when Peter tells me that that… “bone” fellow has at least half a dozen. MARTIN: N–no, no, [NERVOUS CHUCKLE], not… not at all. Y–you’ve sent plenty of people our way.

(It’s still… something, that avatars are both looking down at The Eye for being a “bottom feeder” or for robbing part of the fear, but at the same time, are preoccupied by the amount of statements mentioning them, as if they were competing about it. (… why are they all looking down on Jared.)) Martin was able to be exceptionally diplomatic (mix of honesty and not-pissing-off-something-that-could-wreck-you), to immediately ask good and relevant questions although he hadn’t been warned that he would encounter Simon right now, cautious enough to check that there wouldn’t be any “trick” in the fact he was allowed to ask questions:

(MAG151) MARTIN: And you do it? Why? SIMON: Is that your first question? MARTIN: … Is there a limit? SIMON: Only until I get bored. And that does tend to come more quickly, these days. MARTIN: O–okay, okay, then sure, sure. First question, then: “why are you helping Peter?” D–don’t you serve different… you know… Fears? […] How are new powers born? SIMON: Hm… don’t know! MARTIN: How soon could it attempt its ritual? SIMON: No clue! MARTIN: How do we stop it? SIMON: Can’t help you! MARTIN: [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Could you, at least, try? […] And how close is it, do you think? […] You don’t sound worried. […] And let me guess – you think he can’t see the “big picture”? […] … So why didn’t it work? […] Assuming The Extinction doesn’t derail everything…! SIMON: Which is why… I’m happy helping Peter. But! If it does: then I’ll either be dead, which will be fine, or… I’ll adjust. MARTIN: It doesn’t scare you? […] So what do you do, then, if, if the world is pointless and your god is so weak right now? […] I thought you said that the maths doesn’t work. SIMON: Oh, you are a quick one! […] MARTIN: … What about the monsters? […] So– [EXHALE] So if no one’s ever actually communicated with their patron, how do you know they even want rituals? H–h–how does anyone know if they could ever even work?! SIMON: We don’t. MARTIN: [INCREDULOUS SCOFF] SIMON: And honestly, the idea that this is all some… “grand cosmic joke”, thousands of us running around spreading horror and sabotaging each other pointlessly while these impossible, unknowable things just lurk out there, feeding off the misery we cause… [INHALE] I find that interpretation quite appealing…! MARTIN: … “But”? SIMON: I still hear the music in my dreams. MARTIN: Hm. [SILENCE] Who are you? No, no: who were you? […] You said you were here to answer my questions for Peter, but so far you’ve told me basically nothing of any use. SIMON: The big answers are rarely helpful. MARTIN: Then let’s try some smaller ones. Is Peter attempting a ritual? SIMON: Not in the sense that you’re used to. Him and his family made their play a few years ago and they failed. I’m sure he’d like me to explain it, but I think he can do that one himself. MARTIN: How honest has he been with me? SIMON: About which part? MARTIN: Protecting the others. […] … How do you feel about this? SIMON: You might need to be a tad more specific. MARTIN: All of it. Peter’s plan, The Extinction, me…

All of his questions were excellent ones: he was able to keep in mind the data Simon was providing, he was extending questions to his current situation (outside of The Extinction itself), he was able to use his snark and sass to squeeze more answers and knowledge out of Simon, he was able to ask for contextualisation and keep in mind how Powers tend to oppose each other. Simon was absolutely willing to talk but Martin honestly made the best use of it – I found the way he led the interview even more impressive than the way Jon had dealt with Gerry? And asking questions is supposed to be Jon’s thing as The Archivist. (Well. Getting answers, whatever his questions are, technically, but.)

When pressed, Martin was also able to find the best possible answer to Simon’s jovial threat:

(MAG151) SIMON: And I never looked back. I tried to share it with others, not just as sacrifices; but they often find it difficult to keep up with the, hum… velocity I tend to live at. They tend to get left behind, and I suppose it doesn’t help that I can’t… bring myself to see any of them as anything other than trivial. […] I’d say “anytime”, but honestly, if you see me again… I may just throw you off something for a joke. How do you feel about… rollercoasters? MARTIN: Uh… Neutral. SIMON: Oh… [CHAIR SCRAPING] You’re no fun.

That was the only safe possible answer: if Martin was positive about it, it would mean being a potential recruit; if he was showing discomfort, that would make him a sacrifice. And Martin was able to improvise the it, although he had been known as The Assistant Of Many Fears:

(MAG015) ARCHIVIST: I sent Tim to check the details – Martin declined to help with this investigation as he’s “a bit claustrophobic” […].

(MAG022) MARTIN: The light from the window behind me cast it pretty clearly on the floor, and looking at it I swear the edges seemed to move. It was like a… like a, like an undulation, like, like they were being shifted by something. I mean… look, I know you hate the word, but it was really… spooky. […] I think I might have… lost my mind a bit, then. It all… feels very… strange, blurry. I–I remember stamping and stamping as-as more made their way under my doorway. I-I remember grabbing every towel, sock, bit of fabric scrap that I could find, stuffing them under the door, into the cracks around the window.

(MAG039) TIM: Martin’s gone. ARCHIVIST: I’m getting to that. Martin has disappeared. Tim was right about there being fewer worms down here, but they are much faster. More aggressive. None of us have been hit yet but… during one of the more alarming encounters, Martin ran off. TIM: He thought we were behind him, I think. ARCHIVIST: He didn’t think at all.

(MAG040) MARTIN: Sorry. ARCHIVIST: Ah, it’s fine. I just… I only need from when you got separated. From when you got lost in the tunnels. MARTIN: No, I mean… I’m sorry I left you. ARCHIVIST: … Oh Martin. MARTIN: [TEARFUL] It was an accident. I thought you two were with me! I mean, the worms came at us, and they were so much faster, and then there was the gas, and the running, and I just… I, I thought you were right behind me. But when I turned round, you were gone. You were both gone. It was an accident.

(MAG072) ARCHIVIST: I’ve had Martin looking into the case of John Haan, though it’s slow going as whenever there’s a picture he ends up needing to take a breath of fresh air.

(MAG108) MARTIN: I’m really sorry, I… I don't actually… PETER: Do I scare you Martin? MARTIN:  Yes…! PETER: Hm. Probably for the best.

(MAG117) MARTIN: I… I’m scared, I guess. No, wait– No! No, I mean– uh… Oh, I don’t want that to be my last message, the thing that defines me. “Martin Blackwood: he was always scared, then he died. The end.” I don’t want that. … But it’s true, isn’t it? I mean, if you’re right, if these things out there are eating our fears, then I’m a… a luxury smörgåsbord, I suppose. I’m just afraid all the time! I know, I know, I’m not gonna die, I’m not even going to be on the incredibly dangerous mission. Me and Melanie, well… Well, I don’t think “death” is really the worry, it’s just… [SIGH] It feels like an ending? Or… something. Like nothing can go back to normal after this. […] I need them to be safe. I need him to be okay. … So–sorry, hum. I–I’m not afraid for me, though. Isn’t that weird…? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to be safe, like, my plan’s not dangerous but it’s… it’s mine? These last couple of years, I’ve always been... running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but… but now it’s my trap. And, well. I think it will work.

From Martin who was regularly presented as incompetent back in season 1 (to the point of surprising Jon when demonstrating otherwise during the worms crisis) and who was too honest for his own good when he met Peter, to Martin who is able to swim through the Fears politics, to ask good questions, to snap and squirm and get out of Simon’s grasp… He has learned to deal with the spooks quite efficiently, huh?

- In Jon’s tracks, Martin has been slowly moving forwards when it came to the Archival work. Pushed by Elias, he was the first one of the assistants to read statements aloud and “ritually” starting season 3, and, although he was aware that they were hard on him, he was the only one who kept reading them – Tim tried once and immediately gave up in MAG086; Melanie read two statements but stopped after MAG106’s (and, given her declaration that she would stop feeding The Eye in MAG150, she’s not planning to go back to it); Basira read one in MAG112 and never tried again (and her distaste of the tape recorders and her unwillingness to stay in the room while Jon is recording in season 4 seem to point out that she doesn’t plan on doing it again either).

(MAG084) MARTIN: [RAGGED BREATHING AS HE REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE] Well, I, er… I think that was okay. Er, yeah. To anyone listening, sorry about the change of tone. Jon, the, uh, Head Archivist is… absent, so I’ll be trying to fill in as best as I can. Um. Maybe Tim as well, if he… if he feels like it. It, it doesn’t matter, I suppose. Just as long as it gets done.

(MAG095) MARTIN: S–s–statement… done. [HEAVY BREATHING & TREMBLING AS MARTIN STEADIES HIMSELF] I don’t like recording these. There. I–I said it. I’m sorry whoever’s listening to this, I know it’s unprofessional, but they f… I don’t like it. I guess we’re past professionalism now. Probably. I don’t even know why I’m still doing them, since Jon’s back now.

(MAG098) MARTIN: I, um, I think I might need to sit down. Oh. Yeah, I am. Right. I don’t, uh, I’m not really sure if these are actually getting easier or harder. I mean I don’t feel–

(MAG108) MARTIN: Statement end. [LOW VOICE] That wasn’t so bad? [BREATHES] Hum, not sure there is anything to say about this one.

(Starting MAG108, it became easier for him: was it because it was a Lonely one, then a Web one? Was it because Jon told him he was okay with Martin continuing to read them in MAG102?)

I’m still eyeing the ways Jon is completing his own set of Fears through live-statements/nightmares/scars/encounters with direct manifestations of the Powers, but Martin, in his own way, has also been completing his own set of Fears through his written&live-statements:

* The Corruption (MAG084, Adrian Weiss) * The Buried (MAG088, Enrique MacMillan) * The Flesh (MAG090, Ross Davenport) * The Slaughter (MAG095, Luca Moretti) * The Dark (MAG098, Doctor Algernon Moss) * The Desolation (MAG100, Lynne Hammond’s (messy) live-statement) * The Stranger (MAG104, Tim Stocker’s live-statement) * The Lonely (MAG108, Adonis Biros) * The Web (MAG110, Alexia Crawley) * The Extinction (MAG134, Adelard Dekker; MAG144, Gary Boylan; MAG149, Judith O’Neill) * The Eye (MAG138, Robert Smirke; MAG142, Jess Tyrell’s live-statement/complaint) * The Vast (MAG151, Simon Fairchild’s live-statement)

He’s missing The End, The Hunt and The Spiral at the moment (although he experienced the latter when Tim and him were trapped in Michael’s corridor in MAG079-MAG080) but… he has already covered almost all of them…?

The previous time we had seen Martin (MAG149) highlighted that he was progressing with The Lonely, given how he disappeared on Georgie. Although Simon pointed out that Martin was fitting with his own conception of The Lonely in MAG151, we also got… clear indication that Martin is still very much aligned to Beholding:

(MAG151) MARTIN: Hm. [SILENCE] Who are you? No, no: who were you? SIMON: Originally? No one you would have heard of; no… great historical figure or atrocity-monger. I’ve been “Simon Fairchild” about, um… eighty or ninety years, maybe? […] Hm! No wonder I’m so sympathetic to The Lonely. You know: this really is a place for self-discovery, isn’t it? [CHUCKLE] “Statement ends”, I suppose! MARTIN: Uh… I’m sorry? SIMON: Oh! Nothing, just my own hubris. I should have known. When I came here, I said to myself: “Simon,” I said, “you’re going to answer this young man’s questions, but you’re not going to give The Watcher a statement. You’re better than that.” But it’s a hard one to resist, isn’t it? You get in the flow of talking about yourself, and it all just… tumbles out. MARTIN: Mm, does seem like it. SIMON: [CHUCKLING] And this has been fun! [INHALE] Now. [CHAIR SCRAPING] If we’re about done– MARTIN: We’re not. Sit back down. SIMON: Boooold~ [CHUCKLE] [CHAIR SCRAPING] I like it. MARTIN: You said you were here to answer my questions for Peter, but so far you’ve told me basically nothing of any use.

Martin’s shortness and impatience reminded me of Jon’s when he was trying to get answers from Jude Perry (MAG089: “You don’t even know what this is about, do you?” “So tell me!” “An Archivist pleading for knowledge. That, oh that is satisfying to see.” “Look, if you’re just… You’re just about my only lead, and if you’re… Just kill me, alright? If it’s so easy? If you’re not going to tell me anything worth my time.” “Now you’re sounding like an Archivist.”), but more importantly, it seems like Martin was used as a channel for the Institute to get Simon’s live-statement?

It’s certainly not going in-depths like Jon’s, but Simon still identified it as something he hadn’t been planning on giving and as, specifically, a statement. And that’s the third time something like this happens with Martin: he got Tim to tell him his story in MAG104, he managed to get Jess Tyrell’s complaint in MAG142 (although it was explicitly less complete than with Jon: “… And I start to tell him… everything. About the job, about the collapse, ab–about the hand… And more than I told you, even”). I’m guessing that it’s mostly thanks to the Institute’s effect, and I doubt that Martin could manage to get a statement outside like Jon did starting MAG089, but it has still happened thrice.

So. The Lonely got Martin, but he’s still very much Beholding? Peter’s goal relied on Martin becoming able to use two powers (MAG126: “The sort of power you’re going to need relies on your–” “Obedience.” “Isolation. It needs to be you, Martin. You’re the only one who could possibly balance between the two.”), and Simon confirmed that it required The Eye and The Lonely, so… Martin is getting there. Or is already there.

(- Obligatory Honorary Web-sounding Reminder (BECAUSE YES, I WON’T GIVE UP ON THAT EITHER AS LONG AS WE DON’T HOLLOW MARTIN OUT AND CONFIRM THAT HE’S NOT FULL OF SPIDERS) (… wait no, that’s a bad idea, no, don’t hollow Martin out, Jonny–) that:

(MAG138) MARTIN: … What? [HUFF] That’s it? No, no monologue, no mindgames? You love manipulating people! ELIAS: That makes two of us. MARTIN: [HUFF]

Which Martin masterfully demonstrated when he made Elias want to keep him at the Institute during The Unknowing, when he made Elias use his powers on him and lower his attention while Melanie was stealing stuff in his office, when he threw Elias in jail, and which Martin is demonstrating again by… finding loopholes in his agreement with Peter to still send information to the others. And Basira’s suspicion:

(MAG151) MARTIN: … I didn’t know Jon had listened to them already! BASIRA: Well, he has. He seems to think you’ll come to him when you need him. I think you’re feeding him what he needs to hear so he doesn’t bother you. MARTIN: Look, I don’t have time for this.

… sounded very very Web-y to me? So, is that paranoia or is that well-founded.

Also, it’s Aza’s pet-theory so, updating the list:

(MAG104) MARTIN: Elias seems to think that he’s the best chance that we have to stop them. TIM: And what? I’m supposed to just trust Elias now? MARTIN: Please. TIM: [EXHALE] Fine. Fine. I’ll tell him in person, when he gets back from… wherever it is that he’s vanished to.

(MAG118) MARTIN: Melanie. Melanie, please. MELANIE: … Alright. Let’s get these somewhere safe.

(MAG129) MARTIN: Stop. Stop, please, I–I shouldn’t know any of this, I… [PACKING UP] I–I–I really need to go, I–I’m… ARCHIVIST: Right. … right. MARTIN: Please, stop finding me.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Just… just tell me what happened. Hum, please. I–I won’t judge. [SILENCE] WOMAN: Alright.

(MAG151) MARTIN: Yeah… [PAUSE] Don’t… tell Jon. [SILENCE] Please. BASIRA: Fine.

… people’s tendency to do exactly what Martin Asked after he has said “Please”, although they were initially reluctant.

(Counterexamples: “just everyone please, make it back home…?” in MAG117 didn’t work, and neither did all his desperate “Please” to Jon in the season 4 trailer, but.))

- HEY MARTIN??

(MAG151) MARTIN: Look, I don’t have time for this. I–I don’t like that I have to work with Peter any more than you do, and I didn’t know that Simon was involved until today. But I would hope that you and Jon understood the importance of preventing an apocalypse.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU’RE SOUNDING LIKE ELIAS

(MAG102) ELIAS: I should have thought preventing the horrific transformation of our world is not solely my concern!

(MAG135) ELIAS: I rather feel the real shame would be letting the entire world fall into Darkness because of a single person’s wounded pride. Detective. The stakes are far too high for that kind of… indulgence.

BECAUSE YOU ARE.

- This season, we saw Jon fumbling around, and only getting “victories” through personal accomplishments: saving Melanie from the bullet, saving Daisy from the coffin – and even then, those were tainted with the reveal that they had been followed by Jon attacking people from their statements right after, to feed/heal/feel good. Whenever Jon tried to meddle with bigger spooks, it resulted in disaster: trying to Know Peter’s plan hurt him in MAG139 (and that’s probably why he was so “ravenous” against Jess Tyrell?); going to Norway made him encounter Floyd and take his statement; the journey didn’t even serve the expected purpose – sure, he destroyed the Dark Sun, but it wasn’t an active threat and the act was probably the origin of his current “hunger” (as Jon has since then mentioned multiple times having not fully recovered from it). Given how Elias made sure that Basira would leave Jon alone with the coffin because he wanted Jon to develop his powers, and then sent them to Norway (and then claimed that it had been a “miscalculation”), it’s more than likely that they’ve just… been playing his game all through this season. That, or Elias indeed didn’t have any plan and constantly improvised and only pretended to be in control. The end result is still: Jon managed to save both Melanie and Daisy from the spooks, but hurt (and is still hurting) five more people in the process – and we heard Jess Tyrell, Jon didn’t “just” plague them with a few bad dreams, he directly and personally shattered them and their lives.

In parallel, Martin has been cutting his own (lonely) path, is getting more personally involved with spooks, and might be becoming our “protagonist” of the season: getting the “big” picture, receiving the input of other avatars (Peter, Simon) about the Fears architecture and the way they work, getting involved in active and current threats… So, what will be the downside to his actions – who will he hurt, outside of himself…? What is Peter expecting regarding his “progress” if, at this point already, his presence is enough to get an old avatar to give his statement, and if he is able to disappear on someone as he did with Georgie, what more could he need? Is it to simply grow more powerful in the Lonely area? … Because, as we saw with all the avatars, Jon included: using powers or simply staying alive comes hand in hand with sacrificing people. Martin told Basira that his current actions were motivated by the idea that “no one else needs to get hurt”, and I’m really afraid that he hasn’t factored in the idea that no, if some power is required, it will be from other innocents. And I don’t trust Peter to not put Martin in front of that fact at the last moment, when he would have no time to duly consider whether to sacrifice people or let The Extinction emerge completely…?

(…………… That, or Peter already has leverage to crush Martin last minute? Timeline-wise, Martin began to work with Peter two months after his mother’s death but. I’m still a bit afraid that The Lonely may have been involved in that one, to further cut Martin off from anything or anyone…………………)

- One of our current new mysteries is the thing Peter is planning to use:

(MAG151) MARTIN: Is Peter attempting a ritual? SIMON: Not in the sense that you’re used to. Him and his family made their play a few years ago and they failed. I’m sure he’d like me to explain it, but I think he can do that one himself. […] As for his plan… [INHALE] I don’t know the details. But I believe there’s something in the Institute that he thinks can help his cause. MARTIN: … And he needs me to use it. SIMON: Presumably – from what he said, it must be “powerfully aligned to The Watcher”. If he wishes to use it, it would need someone already touched by The Eye. And if he wants to control that someone… MARTIN: They need to serve The Lonely.

That’s technically only confirming what Peter had said in MAG134 (and Elias confirmed in MAG138, regarding the part where he hadn’t been willing to help):

(MAG134) PETER: [BREATHES] I’m still working out some of the kinks. But I believe I have a plan. However, it requires this place, and it requires someone touched by The Beholding. Elias was, perhaps unsurprisingly, unwilling to help. MARTIN: And you thought that since I’m so lonely already, I’d be ideal. PETER: Yes! MARTIN: You see, the thing is, Peter, I’m still not all that keen on being part of any ritual you set up. You know, in fact, if I were to be blunt, I’d say that would be suicidally stupid. PETER: Martin… it’s going to be decades, if not centuries, before I get another chance to bring Forsaken into this world. Your last Archivist saw to that.

… except for the part where it’s presented as a “ritual”: Peter denied that it was one, or changed the subject to mention that it wasn’t The Lonely’s; Simon… is less categoric – it’s not The Lonely’s ritual, but it’s kind-of-a-ritual still, and it requires… something.

* The Watcher’s Crown? The way Robert Smirke had worded it, it sounded like a physical, tangible item (MAG138: “I warn you again that if you have any remaining ambitions to use our work, to try and wear The Watcher’s Crown, you must abandon them! Not simply for the sake of your own soul, but for that of the world!”).

* Barnabas Bennett’s bones? They’re technically a link between Beholding and The Lonely, Elias pointed out that they were in his office (“[Jonah Magnus] retrieved those bones sadly enough when the time came. Bones that you can still find in my office, if you know where to look.”, MAG092), and we haven’t heard anything more about them since.

* Jon himself…? As he has proven with the Dark Sun (and potentially Breekon): he can be lethal towards other powers, and The Hive had been very angry towards the Institute because of how the Eye was… weakening? it through its study (MAG032, Jane Prentiss: “You can see it and log it and note its every detail but you can never understand it. You rob it of its fear even though your weak words have no right to do so.”). We’ve seen all through season 4 that Jon was affected by Martin’s absence – Martin has definitely grown to become a weak spot of his. But, aouch: if Martin was mostly meant to give Jon his Lonely scar, or to be used against Jon to stop The Extinction… it would be awfully nasty for Martin, who spent the last 8 months selling himself in the hope of protecting Basira&Melanie + now Jon (“… and Daisy I guess”). (Though: it would have required for Elias and/or Peter to know/guess that Jon’s weak spot would be Martin and… I have trouble picturing Elias going for it back in season 3 already? And from Peter, it would require taking into account the connections and affections of people; can he… even… do that…)

* The tunnels under the Institute? They’ve been thematically important since Jon&co discovered them at the end of season 1, they’re remnants of the Millbank prison (with the Panopticon sounding… very much like a Beholding project – maybe what powered the Institute in the first place? Was “the Fear/feeling of being watched” originally from the prisoners who couldn’t know when they were actually seen?), Robert Smirke was involved in their construction, even Jurgen Leitner (who had lived down there for years) wasn’t absolutely sure of the way they worked, Elias agreed to allow Jon to keep exploring them when he used… very Beholding-aligned arguments (“I need to know!”, MAG067); there is still the mystery of the “ring” of worms found by Tim and then Jon… and Martin was suspecting that Peter was mainly interested in them:

(MAG138) MARTIN: I don’t know what he’s talking about when he mentions Millbank. The old prison, I guess? Tim said the tunnels under the Institute were all that was left of it, but… Jon said he’d checked them pretty thoroughly. [SILENCE] [SIGH] I’m not the one who knows all about this stuff…! I wish– … No. No, it’s fine, I’m… fine, I… [EXHALE] I can do this. I don’t know what Peter’s planning, but my-my guess is that it might involve something below the Institute.

The tunnels have been… there, in season 4, too: it’s where Basira&Melanie took shelter, and Basira has been cautious about them (MAG125, Basira: “Got a camp bed at the other end, near the tunnels. I like to keep an eye on them.”); it’s where Jon and Basira operated on Melanie; judging from the sounds, it’s where Helen’s door has occasionally been (MAG131).

- Aaaaaaaaaand Martin is putting up his own death flags:

(MAG151) MARTIN: Look, I don’t have time for this. I–I don’t like that I have to work with Peter any more than you do, and I didn’t know that Simon was involved until today. But I would hope that you and Jon understood the importance of preventing an apocalypse. BASIRA: [SIGH] I guess I’m just a bit burned out on the end of the world. MARTIN: Yeah, well… that’s your problem. BASIRA: And if you really think this whole Extinction thing is it… why not come to us for help? MARTIN: I can’t. Peter’s the one with the plan, and… it needs me to be alone. […] I need to do this. For everyone. [SILENCE] BASIRA: You’re not expecting to come out of this, are you? MARTIN: … I’ll do what I have to. If I’m right… no one else needs to get hurt. [SILENCE] BASIRA: [SIGH] … Okay. You want to do whatever “grand sacrifice” you think is going to save everyone, go ahead. But you’d best be sure you’re not just playing their game. MARTIN: I know what I’m doing. BASIRA: We’ll see. [PAUSE] Don’t make me regret this. MARTIN: Yeah… [PAUSE] Don’t… tell Jon. [SILENCE] Please. BASIRA: Fine. I can’t promise you he won’t just know it, though.

… on the one hand: the fact that Martin is expecting it to happen, is getting ready to die… could mean that, precisely, it won’t happen, and he will come out of it somehow. On the other hand: Tim was spitting out his own death flags until the end (MAG116, MAG117, MAG118), was downright saying that he wasn’t expecting to come out of The Unknowing alive, even said that he wasn’t sure he wanted to survive it, and it didn’t prevent him from going out with a bang. On the third hand: it already happened with Tim, so rip Tim but Martin could be… different.

I have no idea. I think that for Martin, surviving while others die and/or surviving without having managed to achieve his goals is probably a worst outcome (meaning, more likely to happen) than sacrificing himself and reaching his objective in the process. He’s adopted the stance of sacrificing himself from a distance for a while: with his mother (she was refusing his visits), with Basira&Melanie (he accepted Peter’s deal to protect them and the Institute from external threats), plus now for Jon (he went to talk to Elias in MAG138, he has accepted to discuss with Daisy in MAG142, with Georgie in MAG149, now with Basira in MAG151… but Jon had been off-limits in MAG129). That, or… becoming something that would have hurt, or has to hurt innocents to survive.

(Does he even think that he matters for them? Basira had described to Jon that Martin had been in a very bad place after his mother’s death, and Elias had confronted him about the fact that she didn’t care about him two months prior. Begging Jon for help while he was in his coma in the trailer also didn’t result in anything; Martin had confirmation that he wouldn’t receive any help. But I… don’t think that Martin is aware of how much Jon has been impacted by his absence this season – would it make him reconsider/waver about the self-sacrificing bit…?)

- Basira agreed to not tell Jon but. She was the one staying behind with the tape at the end of the episode (Martin was the one to leave, while Basira was sighing).

The tape could disappear on its own but… so far… it means that it’s now in Basira’s possession. Would “giving the tape to Jon” count as “not telling him directly”.

- Currently: Jon is going cold turkey and still “hungry” and “weak”; Melanie is risking a slow death by Eye-deprivation, à la Tim in season 3 (his attempt to flee to Malaysia); Daisy has stopped Hunting as well (… although Jon’s “Daisy is… [PAUSE] [SIGH] Yeah. She’s managing.” from MAG148 makes me incredibly worried: was it to point out that their circumstances were different? Was it about a relapse that only Jon knows about? Was it about Daisy being actually slowly dying from the deprivation, like the people in MAG112?); Basira is deep into paranoia territory; and now, Martin… is going for a self-sacrifice.

That’s. Not a pretty picture right now, and the question goes back to “who will die first”.

(And I’m really not sure that Jon wouldn’t give up the “trusting Martin” trajectory and do something rash, if he learns about Martin’s plan to… not come back. Melanie already announced that she was ready to die: from Jon’s point of view, he’s been seeing the assistants disappear or going for their deaths. Sasha died because of the table that Jon wanted to keep. Screaming at Tim “I knew none of us might be coming back, and I’m not gonna let anyone get killed for nothing!” and “I am not losing you as well!!” (MAG118) still didn’t prevent Tim’s death. Martin is the last one of the original assistants and… so far, Martin’s plans had been based on the idea of everyone making it out alive at the end: imprisoning Elias was the way he had found to keep him away without risking to die with him. Right now, Jon&the others are apparently waiting for Martin to get on with his plan, but… probably on the assumption that Martin is planning to come back to them once he’s done. And it’s now officially not the case.)

MAG152’s title is a funny one considering that we’re bidding goodbye to the Kanto dex to head into the Johto region and it’s thus “the Chikorita episode” (the title is… quite fitting for Chikorita) /o/

I’d say End (nothing since Oliver; would Jon mention him in the post-statement…?), Corruption (so… unloved…) or Buried (… DIG/the tunnels?)? Or Lonely again?

[pfenniged]

3, 7, 9, 15, 18

booknet ask game (Apologies for the delay!):

3. what was the last book you rated 1/5? 

Probably this horrific and justifiably priced 0.25 cent paperback I got from the library book sale. I care so little about the title I’m not even going to bother getting up to look at it, but basically it was somehow involving a mystery on a liner heading to New York, and The Kennedys circa 1941 when Joe (’God what a terrible person’) Kennedy was ambassador to England (And casual Nazi supporter/isolationist, lovely).

But the book promises you that it will mostly talk about Rosemary Kennedy as a character. Which I liked, because in case you don’t know, Rosemary Kennedy was JFK’s sister who was considered the ‘prettiest’ of all the Kennedy girls, but also constantly was on a diet because she ‘put on weight easily’ (Poor girl), and because she was seen as ‘simple.’ Supposedly when she was in her early twenties, she had the mental capacities or a naive thirteen year old/ writing level of an eight year old. They kept basically shoving her into boarding schools to try to push her forward in terms of education, but obviously when she most likely had something like a severe case of autism, there weren’t exactly many programs that directly addressed those who were learning disabled, and being a Kennedy, they most likely were like PUSH HER THROUGH IT AND SHE’LL BE FINE (Great, thanks guys).

All this being said, there is proof in terms of letters that basically everyone was afraid, because once she became a teenager, she started running away from these schools or sneaking out late at night, and they were literally worried because of how ‘naive’ she was, that she’d end up getting pregnant by some weirdo guy forcing himself on her/ convincing her to have sex. What most normal people/historians think now, is that she saw her brother being John F. Kennedy, El Primo Playboy of the World 1941, dating movie stars and having a buttload of friends (As my older brother used to say), and she obviously wanted to be involved in this glamorous, fun life with the rest of her family, rather than shoved away at some crappy boarding school with nuns the age of time immemorial (Understandable). (Also, for what it’s worth, JFK basically WAS a great older brother, for what I’ve heard, and wanted his parents to loosen up on her. He involved her in his social groups if she was around and never pushed her into anything that someone with her ‘limitations’ might be hurt by).

So of course the natural thing would be to do is to give her a lobotomy so she doesn’t run away, and of course, it had some horrific side effects and basically killed her personality entirely from all accounts, making her basically a human vegetable with only a shadow of the person she’d been before. After that Joe ‘I’m the Worst’ Kennedy carted his daughter off, and debatably, depending on who you ask, she was basically ignored by most of the family for 60+ years of her living in a care home, or embraced in private (The Kennedy message/propaganda/nice try guys). There’s really only consistent public photos of Ted Kennedy visiting her, because besides the whole ‘I accidentally murdered a woman I was having an affair with’ thing, Ted was the baby and seemed actually like ironically the most ‘Christian’ in the most broadest sense of the word besides Bobby Kennedy (Yes, I know they’re Catholic, it’s an analogy).

So bringing this back to this awful book, the ‘mystery’ on the cruise liner shit basically seemingly revolves around Rosemary pre-lobotomy and how she wants to get married to a ‘coloured jazz man.’ BUT THIS NEVER FACTORS INTO THE PLOT. NONE OF THE HISTORICAL FIGURES ABOARD DO EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE ‘POV’ CHAPTERS ASIDE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS.

You heard me right. xD I KNOW IT’S THE 1940S IN THE BOOKS AND THERE’S FAR WORSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE AND THE JAZZ MAN IS NICE AND ALL BUT DAMN IT’S SORT OF THE WORST, BECAUSE THEY BASICALLY MAKE THIS THE ENTIRE REASON FOR HER LOBOTOMY AND WHILE THEORETICALLY IT WOULD FIT IN WITH JOE’S MOTIVATIONS HISTORICALLY, IT JUST CAME OFF AS SUPER SKEEZY AND UGH. Mostly the book A) Actually did a considerable job giving Rosemary a sweet and loving personality that you like, but considering what you know if you’re probably reading this book and how they’re just dropping bread crumbs the entire way through, it’s just incredibly morbid and bleh. 

If you’re going to write historical characters and fiction well, at least have something more to back it up than ‘Racism was more (outwardly) prevalent back then so she was going to be in an interracial relationship so lobotomy.” It just came off as conflating two important issues (The rights of the learning disabled to date and have families of their own, and interracial romances versus status in society), and just came out to justify it for a lobotomy we never even see. (Trust me, I’m making it sound far more interesting than it is).

Plus the mystery on the liner is the main aspect of the story, and I think that’s what makes it the worst: This author just chose to have these random historical figures on BECAUSE, and considering Rosemary’s background and what we know happened to her, it just seemed like a pretty desperate ploy to reel people in (like myself), and have them go, “Wait, this is just a sub-par mystery book, not a historical mystery book: She used that whole actual living person who existed and who was screwed over by her own family as ‘shock value’ and a ‘hook’ for the audience.” Double EW.

7. what was the last book that made you cry? 

Indian Horse by Richard Wagamese, who is unfortunately no longer with us but a BEACON of Canadian Literature, and I'm SO sad he didn’t get to write more books, because his writing style is BEAUTIFUL and poetic.

“Saul Indian Horse is an alcoholic Ojibway man who finds himself the reluctant resident of an alcohol treatment centre after his latest binge. To come to peace with himself, he must tell his story. Richard Wagamese takes readers on the often difficult journey through Saul's life, from his painful forced separation from his family and land when he's sent to a residential school to the brief salvation he finds in playing hockey. The novel is an unflinching portrayal of the harsh reality of life in 1960s Canada, where racism reigns and Saul's spirit is destroyed by the alienating effects of cultural displacement.”

What you also don’t get about the book from this review, is the role hockey plays as being central to the narrative. In that moment, and when Saul is young, inside his own head, he is just what we as the reader see him as: A young boy who loves a sport and finds it freeing. A PERSON. A kid who loves hockey. 

He’s so good that he has a chance to make it to the NHL. He’s good enough to play on the ‘white teams,’ but when he starts beating white players, grown men and women throw things at him, like plastic ‘Indians’ from a ‘Cowboy and Indian’ set. 

He is a skilled player. He has raw talent. But to make it to the next level, and because they won’t let him be on the team in any other role, because a Native man can’t become a skilled star in 1960s Canada, he has to become a ‘goon.’ There’s actually a moment in the book where he snaps, and it’s so well written and heartbreaking, where it’s like this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamic inside of him, where he literally just goes, “Okay? You want me to be a bloodthirsty ‘Indian’? Then I’ll be that for you.”

There’s also a movie I haven’t had the guts to watch all the way through, because I tried watching it on a plane ride from Australia to Canada without actually having read the book first, and having no idea what the movie was about aside from hockey and Indigenous culture, and Jesus Christ IT KILLED ME. I’m terrible at flying, had been throwing up and thoroughly miserable for about three hours at that point on the plane, tried to turn on a movie to distract myself, and within ten minutes, I was like “No, I think sticking to the vomiting is justified.” (To give you an idea of the directing style, it’s bizarrely produced by uber-Republican yet ‘weirdly-obsessed with Indigenous people’ movie star Clint Eastwood. If you’ve seen his other films and how sparse and depressing they can be, you can only IMAGINE what this material lends itself to. So I’d really stick to reading the book first. Because Wagamese’s voice is so much stronger within the book, and the pain and horror poor Saul is exposed to serves a purpose within the larger narrative much more clearly, and even when he is an alcoholic, he still is able to find hope within himself and returning to his people, and that’s a beautiful thing that I think was lost in the portions of the film I was able to catch.) Check it out: It was only written in 2012, but it’s already being heralded as a ‘classic’ in Canadian Indigenous Literature.

9. do you actually check out books that have been recommended for you?

I do. I might not actually READ them, but I’ll at least check out a snippet on Amazon to see if it’s my cup of tea. So if anyone has any recommendations, go right on ahead <3

15. how do you feel about reading buddies?  

I would love a reading buddy! <3 Feel free to message me if you’re keen. <3

18. what was your favourite book when you were 10?

Probably something by Roald Dahl or The Hobbit, if we’re talking sheer escapism or enjoyment (Or the original run of Harry Potter). My Dad is an English teacher, so I was always reading older books than were probably age-appropriate (I was placed at a college-reading level at twelve on an assessment test), so other than that, a lot of classic literature: Just name it, I’ve probably read it. 

I also was a nerd who decided to read the entire dictionary back to front somewhere around this time and copy down all the words I actually didn’t know on a list, so that was a hobby. xD I guess I could count that as a ‘favourite book.’ (-Insert Homer Simpson “NEEeeeRRRddddd” gif here-).

[thecorteztwins]

what are some under used marvel female characters youd love to see in the rpc?

HMMMOkay, so I’m trying to think OBJECTIVELY here and not just rattle off the female characters that I personally like, and more “I’m surprised that there’s not more blogs for this character, whether or not I personally am a fan” ....because I missed the “you’d love to see in the RPC” bit because I’m dumb, and then I wrote this whole list without regards for that part. So this came out as less “female characters I personally want” (who would all be stupidly obscure and irrelevant anyway) and more “female characters I think the RPC should give some more love to, whether I personally am into them or not”:Definitely ALL the girls in the New Mutants and Generation X! I see a fair few blogs for Magik and Jubilee, but I really don’t see any for the others. I get why Magik is going to be more popular---she’s in more stuff, she’s currently much more relevant in the comics, and her backstory is so goddamn compelling---but that doesn’t mean the others shouldn’t have ANY blogs out there. Wolfsbane, Magma, Karma, and Moonstar are all extremely complex and compelling characters with their own struggles and triumphs too, and I think they deserve just as much love. Likewise, I get why Jubilee will naturally get more blogs than Husk, Monet, and Penance (depending if you count Penny as a separate character or not...) due to her being in more stuff, having bigger arcs, etc. But it still surprises there’s NO blogs around for those ladies! I know there was that Monet blog awhile ago, and @badmusesdoitwell had an Amara that’s now part of their multimuse, as well as a Rahne, but that’s still nowhere near enough love in the RPC for these Junior X-Ladies, in my opinion. Speaking of Generation X, I’m also a bit surprised no one has picked Cordelia Frost up, given that we’ve got plenty of background canon for her via Emma’s history yet Cordelia herself has LOTS of room to go nuts with headcanons, like it’s just the perfect opportunity! And I’m sure lots of Emma blogs, of which there are MANY, would love their little sister around for some family threads. Fuck, I would pick her up myself if I were more into Emma and the Frost family as a whole. She’s hardly the most relevant, recent, or even interesting character around, she’s done very little and shown up very briefly, but the fact she’s related to Emma Frost makes me think SOMEONE would have an interest in her.Madelyne Pryor, for sure. Like, I love Maddy, but it’s not just my favoritism talking here. I think she’s pretty decently well-known in the comics fandom, and she’s a tragic villain, which usually pulls people in big-time. She’s got a grudge against the good guys, and it’s actually more legitimate than most, which I’d think would also attract people, since a lot of villains fans like to blame the good guys no matter what and THEY’D ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD ARGUMENT HERE? Plus she has very strong connections to other, more popular canons, with a ton of fodder for angst and drama threads, which people just LOVE. I have seen a few Maddy blogs pop up in the past, and I always get so excited, but they never seem to last very long :CDr. Moira MacTaggert deserves ALL the love and respect in the world/fandom! She’s been a staunch supporter of mutants since day one, she’s a total badass, she’s super smart, she calls Xavier out on his shit ALL THE TIME, she’s the survivor of an abusive husband, she had to make terrible choices about her son that no mother should ever have to and then live with the consequences of those choices, and SHE GOES AFTER A KELPIE WITH A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN! She’s been a part of the X-Men comics for such a long time, and is very significant in them, it really surprises me that I’ve never seen a blog for her besides just ONE and it was for the XMCU sexy American CIA agent Moira, who is NOT Moira in my book and NEVER WILL BE. Speaking of, Moira will ALWAYS be human to me, I think making her a mutant all along REALLY undermines a big part of her character as just an unyielding mutant ally. Though I think her being human, combined with being an older female who isn’t anyone’s love interest (unless she’s, gasp, getting in the way of CHERIK aka the ultimate fandom sin how dare she the harlot -.-), is probably WHY she’s so damn ignored -.-Frenzy hasn’t been in THE most recent stuff, but she’s still been relevant recent enough that I think one or two blogs around would have happened if she weren’t black. Yeah, I hate to be THIS person, but any black character who isn’t Storm doesn’t get love, for all that the RPC likes to yell about being diverse and progressive. Remember all the Captain America and Iron Man and Hulk and Quicksilver blogs that popped up after their movies? Yeah I saw like ONE T’challa blog after Black Panther came out. Then again, I’ve yet to see blogs for Pixie or Firestar either, who are white, and I feel like they both were fairly interesting and well-known in fandom? Same for the Academy X girls like Sofia Mantega, Mercury, and Wallflower. Luna Maximoff FOR SURE. It SHOCKS me I haven’t see more than a couple short-lived blogs around for her, just given her family connections. Now, I don’t think a character deserves love just because of who they’re related to---in fact it annoys me when a characters gets a ton of attention and it’s very obviously just for that---but Luna has SO MUCH going on? The problems between her parents, her mother being absent so much, her father exposing her to the Mists, dealing with her powers, being a child of two very different worlds and cultures, it just goes on and on. Luna has had to grow up so fast, she’s such a strange and stoic child as a result, and though her situation is very fantastical, having to be the mature one at an early age because all the adults in your life won’t be is something a lot of people have to cope with and I think would find relatable; I especially love how she lives in this world where there’s no bad guys, like neither Crystal nor Pietro were the villains in her situation, just hurting messed up people, which she also recognized in Magneto and maybe also even Maximus . And there’s so much that could be explored with her too that hasn’t been in canon yet---for instance, her choice to identify with her Inhuman heritage and why that is, and the journey of identifying with your heritage but also looking at the horrible things in their history, I think that’s a story that a LOT of people from MANY backgrounds can relate to. It surprises and frustrates me that both writers and fandom don’t really seem to care about her or remember she exists; one the only two blogs I ever saw for her seriously got someone asking them “why would you make such a weird OC” like SERIOUSLY! Luna needs more love, big time. Any female Avenger that’s not Wanda or Natasha. I don’t read Avengers, I’m just an X-Men fan, but I know they exist and they shouldn’t have to be in a movie to get love. Ditto for She-Hulk, I’m not a Hulk reader but I know she’s a prominent character who has been around a long time and has a very developed personality and stories of her own, yet I’ve only ever seen her on @getreadytosmash‘s multi. I’ve also never really read Alpha Flight, but its main ladies ---Snowbird, Aurora, Vindicator---all seem awesome in their own different ways. Alpha Flight isn’t very popular to begin with, of course, so I don’t expect them to have as many blogs as, say, major X-ladies, but I think one apiece or so would be very justified.KWANNON!! I actually get why we didn’t have any blogs for her BEFORE now, because we knew NOTHING about her, she was just a very tragic prop for Betsty’s body-swap plot and a way to give her insta-ninja-skills, but now she’s come back and has HER OWN NEW SERIES in which we’re finally learning who she is and her background, I hope to see a blog or two around for her eventually!Destiny aka Irene Adler. Like. Do I even need to explain WHY? I think people just don’t want to play an OLD woman, especially one whose primary/only ship is going to be with another woman.Maaaaybe Clea Strange? I don’t know shit about her, never read Dr. Strange, but like, people make blogs for Sigyn literally just because she’s Loki’s wife, and Clea at least seems to like...DO stuff? IDK, not sure on this on, but figured I’d make an honorable mention.Siryn, Boom Boom, and Dr. Cecilia Reyes are all X-Ladies that I really don’t know much about. Like I know basic things like their powers but I don’t know their story arcs and such. But as with Clea and the Avengers ladies and She-Hulk, I just have a HUNCH there’s a lot there getting ignored by fans.Silhouette Chord is a longtime member of The New Warriors, and, like Alpha Flight, New Warriors doesn’t really have a fanbase on Tumblr to speak of, so it’s not surprising to me she’s not got any love here. And even within the pages of her own comics, she’s generally pushed aside, underused, and underdeveloped compared to the other characters, generally more a prop for her boyfriend’s stories than anything else. But she DOES have a personality, a REALLY cool backstory, and she’s like...look, the RPC claims to love diversity and representation and all that, right? Silhouette is a mixed-race WOC (half Black, half Cambodian, and I have NEVER seen another Marvel character of Cambodian heritage who wasn’t connected to her) who is also very visibly physically disabled, her legs are completely paralyzed and she is never without her braces/crutches, yet she still fights PHYSICALLY (something very rare for physically disabled characters, they usually are more like Oracle or Prof X) and is depicted in a sexual relationship, and there’s never any kind of fuss or angst about it or anything treating her as delicate or less than or anything like that. She’s just completely adjusted to it in a way that’s very rare in media. And like I said, she’s not a flat character, I’m not saying she should be more popular just for ticking off the diversity boxes, she manages to be really intriguing to me despite how little focus the writers give her, and I think that she and the other New Warrior girls (Firestar and Namorita) have a lot to offer the RPC. But I have to give a special shoutout to Sil since she’s my fave, as the neglected ones alway are.Meggan Puceanu is probably most familiar to folks here as Kurt’s love interest in Age of X, but she’s been around since the 80s. She’s a longtime member of Excalibur, and she’s just...fascinating. She’s a Romanichal mutant (though often hinted to have magical/mystical heritage too, perhaps fairy like Pixie) who has empathic, elemental, and shapeshifting capabilities. However, her empathic and shapeshifting tend to overlap, so she changes her form (and her mind) according to the feelings, fears, and desires of others. So for instance, there’s this one time where a group of men are checking her out, and she feels that “They love me...I want...to love them in return!” and she morphs into this sexxed-up version of hersef on the spot. This isn’t played for kinkiness or laughs either; Meggan’s identity struggles are a HUGE part of her character. She has no idea who she is because her powers make her reflect and respond to the feelings of others around her, internally and externally. She doesn’t even know what she actually really LOOKS like because of this; her powers were present since birth, causing her to grow fur instantly as an infant due to it being winter. This caused her parents to keep her locked up in the camper trailer, where she was raised alone with the TV (she’s also illiterate, which causes her to feel dumb a lot) and as more and more people around her spread rumors about the monstrous child inside, she psychically absorbed those beliefs and her physical form changed to reflect them, making her more and more monstrous as she got older. She didn’t know she was a shapeshifter, she just really thought she was a hideous monster. And even when she found out the truth, she STILL didn’t know what she really looked like, as the beautiful form she took on (basically Pamela Anderson with elf ears) was to please her boyfriend Captain Britain (whom she is really unhealthily dependent on starting out because of her situation)Meggan is insecure, she doesn’t know who she is, she has to cling to a man in order to have anything because no one else has ever loved her, she easily becomes jealous of other women near him, she gets made fun of for being a bimbo and she often feels she is because she can’t read or understand “clever words” due to her isolated upbringing...and she gets through this! She develops! She becomes STRONGER and she becomes SECURE and she gains CONTROL of her powers and SHE KICKS ASS and she FORMS AN IDENTITY!  And then Meggan SACRIFICED HER LIFE to buy time for Captain Britain, Psylocke, and Rachel Summers to repair the tear in reality caused by House of M. She ends up lost between dimensions and TRAPPED IN HELL, where she uses her empathy to rally the lesser demons against THE LORDS OF HELL ITSELF and wages a war IN HELL for which her demon followers dub her “Gloriana” and she forms a sanctuary there called “Elysium” where souls can escape torment!  AND THEN SHE FINDS HER WAY HOME!THIS WOMAN KICKED ASS IN HELL AND WON!! Like she just goes through SUCH an arc, and I admit I have not read it myself yet, she’s on my list of characters to read EVERYTHING on and I’m still only familiar with her very insecure Excalibur days (which I love a lot, I just feel so much for Meggan and her struggles, I think she’s very much a reflection of a LOT of real-world issues, ranging from mental illnesses to just EXISTING as a woman) but I already have a ton of feelings about her and I think she’s more than prominent and accomplished enough to merit more attention in the RPC. And this is less of an “actually has reasons the RPC should love her” character, because really there’s no reason they should, she’s not prominent or relevant or or anything, but more an interesting “did you know”---did you know there was a “young female Wolverine clone” in the comics BEFORE Laura Kinney? Avery Connor! She pre-dates Laura by a year and has a VERY similar story, yet she never took off in popularity and very few people know her. You can read about her HERE on my Marvel blog. Again, would not say there’s actually any reason she’s earned love from the RPC like, say, Meggan or Luna, but I just thought I’d toss that in as a tidbit for the Logan family fans, as I know there are many.(Also, cheating because these are dudes, but: I’m not a Banshee fan but I am surprised I’ve never seen a blog for him, nor for Sunfire. Or for 616 Pyro. Or...)

[petersthree]

You know, considering the story they’ve been writing this past season I can’t say that I hated the GOT finale, and had it been better written, I would even say that I loved it. However, everything they did - it made sense to me, but in terms of how it could have gone, how it would make sense if it were developed -with a few rewrites, of course, particularly focusing on Bran and Dany, and the importance (or lack of importance) for Jon. 

It’s important to note that both Bran and Dany have the same vision - this is, to the best of my knowledge, the only one shared by two characters in the show. And, we finally get to see that vision in the show (not exactly the same, sure, but ultimately the same scene). Dany is the before - what causes the Red Keep destruction, the pain and overall foreboding that is just drenched in that whole atmosphere, though she doesn’t understand that when she sees it, both in the vision and real life. Bran also doesn’t understand why he sees the Mad King, or the throne - it is, after all, seemingly unrelated to his NK storyline, except his story isn’t supposed to end there. Bran is the after, the vision is shared by the person that causes the events and the person who will fix it. 

Bran being king. I’m going to be honest, while my first thought was that it was dumb, on further thought I do think it makes sense, and that it’s beautiful in a way. The two things that are first introduced to us in the story are: white walkers, and then Bran’s POV. It’s fitting to end the story on someone who is so heavily entwined in the white walker storyline, and who opened up our entire story. It was initially going to be his story, and it was, in a way, because our boy who thought he could never be important or useful because of his disability is king. And he can see everything that has ever happened and is happening - he can scope out people trying to betray the kingdom, learn from the past to work towards a future. It makes sense. But, the show didn’t earn this. The very same character they made king they also cut out of an entire season because they didn’t know what to do with him. Instead, they skipped his training arc, vaguely explained his Night King connection, and then forced Bran to become emotionless for the rest of the series. In season 8, they just seemed to lean into the meme and had Bran stare at others and make one-liners and that...was really it? Bran Stark, who had an entire arc regarding the dead, becoming almost omniscient, and such complex and important emotions about his usefulness now that he’s disabled is just....staring at people from afar and warging into birds for unspecified reasons. 

But I’ve seen theories that he’s the Night King and - to fit that into him being the ruler of the kingdoms, well...what if fate were changed? Let’s say that Bran remains the same, character-wise, until the Battle of Winterfell. It’s because he’s worked out what the audience has worked out - he is the Night King. It’s the only thing that makes sense, right? He caused this to happen, just as he caused Hodor to happen. Bran goes back in time to try and warn the Mad King, but he messes up. The thought gets planted to use wildfire, but in Aerys’s mind it’s to kill King’s Landing, who are now the monsters in his mind. Bran goes back farther to try and fix his mistakes and then wargs into the man who would become the Night King. And, people say how then the NK could kill Bran right before Arya (or Jon, as expected) kill the NK, thus trapping Bran in his warg and solidifying him becoming the NK and everything going full circle. And in this version, we’re sure of that, and Bran becomes sure of that - he’s been told he can’t escape destiny, that everything is written, and this has to follow that. 

But what if it didn’t? 

Bran wargs, and is trapped, and becomes the Night King. He closes himself off, he’s spent centuries confined to this fate, and he just needs to kill his original body and ensure that things happen as they’re meant to. He almost forgets how he used to look, and he goes after each Three-Eyed Raven, until finally he gets to himself and is determined to just carry out destiny. But then, something happens. His original body never dies. Arya kills the NK, whoever he had become, and Bran is back and he suddenly realizes that he was so sure he was going to tie fate together, make everything full circle, and now he’s here back in his body and there is a future that’s going to happen for him and for once he isn’t sure what that’s going to be. Bran goes from being sure that he has to play at something else - the Three Eyed Raven, the Night King, and now he is suddenly hit with the fact that he’s Bran again and he starts letting himself feel again. He may have these powers but no matter what form he takes he’s now back to being Bran and he’s suddenly no longer so sure of himself and we see uncertainty, we see him going back to the same question he asked Jaime - how do you know there is an afterwards? Bran starts thinking about what he’s caused - with Dany’s life, causing her father to go mad, the cycle that he caused as the NK, and everything that occurred without him (after all by this point, he’s seen men thousands of times over ignore real danger in favor of their egos, all without any of Bran’s involvement). And Bran starts thinking about what he can do, how he can stop a cycle from occurring and if he can. 

Dany going mad could happen simultaneously while Bran is having his journey. Again, something I could easily see, and I thought I had seen signs of madness in the past. And Tyrion’s conversation with Jon? About how you just keep rooting with her because you have to, because there’s a clear line and then it just gets harder and harder but she’s still technically right and now there’s the line that she’s crossed? I thought that was an excellent commentary on Dany. It’s exactly what I think of her and her character...except we didn’t see that progression. Tyrion himself named clear-cut examples and then jumped to what we see in the show - Dany going from that to child murder. We should have had at least a whole season to go into Dany’s madness, see her continue to make more morally grey choices until King’s Landing, and see her so utterly convinced she was right because she’s been right before, why should it be different now? To see her actually rule would have been amazing - see that she wants to make a better place while simultaneously having her being a tyrant, no matter how unintentionally. Maybe even have her find out about what Bran did, and have her resent him for planting the thought in her father’s head, because it makes things all the more complicated - we don’t necessarily know who’s in the right for that. Nobody really is, they all messed up, but it would fit in with Dany thinking that anyone who’s against her is an enemy and with Sansa and Arya not kneeling and finding out Bran unintentionally caused everything with the Mad King - even if Robert’s rebellion were to still have happened, Dany would still view it as yet another reason the Starks were out to get her. Add it all up and there’s more conflict and reasoning to have her go against them. 

Have the conversation with Tyrion and Jon, how much they both love her in their own way, how they know that she is good at her core and that she has so much love to give but that it does not change the fact that they need to do what is right even if it is terrible. But don’t do it in the episode where she dies. Have it the season of, or the episode before. Jon gets the POVs for half the time during this season in this version of events. We see him struggling, trying to figure out how much Dany would be willing to give. We see Sansa’s POV with Dany, with Jon silently watching every interaction that Dany has with Sansa or Arya. Give that morality question to them then, and focus on Dany on her death episode. Let her have her point of view that we have grown to know, how she thinks of things, how sure she is that she is doing things the right way and that this, this will bring a better world! Let us see it from her point of view rather than two men discussing her disintegrating mental state that occurred within an episode. 

With that, with another season and with an even split between Jon and Dany’s POVs, we get to see the real descent into madness for Dany and Jon’s struggle between his identities - his Stark and Targaryen one. Because I don’t care if Jon becomes king or not, I don’t even care about him being Azor Ahai or not. I actually rather like him giving a big fuck you to destiny and going off the be king beyond the wall, essentially. Because that’s what this is, a fuck you to destiny - Bran gets to be the king, Dany tried to follow a destiny and failed, and despite everything stacked making Jon out to be the hero Jon finally puts his foot down and says fuck being Aegon Targaryen fuck people constantly forcing him to be the “ultimate hero”, he chooses his family, his real family who he’s been raised with and will protect when it comes down to anything, even the woman he loves, and then he looks at his two identities when all is said and done and decides that he wants to stay Jon Snow and be where he’s seemed the most at home so far in the books and the show, and goes off to the North. Because Jon being a Targaryen doesn’t make him special. Jon being Azor Ahai doesn’t make him special. Jon being a Stark, no matter how much we all love his Starkness and his familial bonds, even that doesn’t matter. None of those names or destinies matter, because like Sansa said a season ago, Jon is Jon. That is why Jon is important, because no matter what hero or name gets put onto him, he will do what is right, genuinely right, and then at the end his reward is that he’s allowed to not be the ultimate hero, which is what Jon wants. 

I know it’s not perfect, and that obviously it’d depend on them having had written an extra season (and not cut Bran out of an entire one) but thinking about how it could have been makes me think that there’d have been more emotion with that, just keeping everything the same but adding to it so that the emotional payoff feels earned rather than cheap, and made people at least slightly less bitter about the way these three ended off. 

[soopranatural]

Who I was looking for -End

Summary: Even after you started wearing cuffs, the words are engraved in your mind as well as your wrist. You know you're not destined for love as soon as you learn how to read. How could you? When the words "Sorry, you're not who I was looking for" are written in black ink on your skin.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: injuries, fluff mostly, Tony is awful to himself as always, etc

Words: 5804 (Jeez)

A/N: Well, this is it. I cannot actually beLIEVE I've made it this far (considering my previous record was writing seven chapters and then leaving the fic forever :/) you guys have kept me motivated throughout this whole process and I'm SO grateful for all the feedback you have no idea. I freakin love this series so much but I'm so glad it's over lol. Anyway, hope you like the ending. 🖤🖤🖤

Marsterlist

Mobile Masterlist

Part 25  Series Masterlist

Bucky doesn't enjoy meetings, especially not at ass-crack o'clock in the morning.

Despite this fact, Bucky finds himself smiling (a rare occurrence, even when it's not ass-crack o'clock) he's been texting you all weekend, mostly random things that were too trivial to talk to the team about.

He was pleasantly surprised when he discovered you two had the same chemistry when texting that you did talking out loud. He got this tight, fluttery happiness every time his phone pinged. And he blanks and completely loses his train of thought at least twice a day when he remembers he has a soulmate. And it's you.

The memory of your kiss is still fresh in his mind, he can't quite believe it. Your lips had left a seared print upon his memory, like a brand. And sometimes he'll press his fingertips to his mouth, just to remember the sweet pressure.

It's embarrassing.

Steve keeps elbowing him and Natasha grins like the grinch every time Bucky looks at his phone. Sam wants to meet you, complaining that by now he's the only one that hasn't met 'his beau'. Bucky will never admit it -they'd never let him hear the end of it- but he's glad they approve of you. The team seems glad that he gets to have a soulmate, and everyone that has met you has loved you. It's sad, maybe. But when he looks at his friends -his family, really- he can see how tired and broken and weary they are. Clint doesn't have a soul mark. Steve met his too many years ago. Natasha... doesn't talk about her soulmate at all. They're all glad he gets to have this, and he's glad he gets to have them.

Anyway.

The meeting.

Bucky scoffs, catching himself yet again with his fingertips pressed to his lips.

Steve's voice is strong, dripping with authority, even as he raises his hand to ask a question, like a dork. "Shouldn't we be warning the people at the tower? I mean, if there is a threat I don't think we should be hiding it from them."

"This isn't the purpose of this meeting captain." Director Fury looks at Steve with the force of a two-eyed glare, and Bucky is glad he doesn't actually have two eyes to glare at him with "Agent Hill has it under control, and I would prefer not to cause unnecessary panic. We're talking about kids spray painting on walls because they think they're funny, not because they're Hydra."

"But I heard you talking to Hill the other day" there's that glare again, Steve ignores it "and you said it was bigger than you thought."

"That's what she said" Sam whispers in Bucky's ear. Clint hears him and snort-laughs.

"That may be so, Captain Rogers. But still, this is below your-"

"Wh- Below-" Steve stutters, appalled "No offense sir, but if protecting the people that live and work with us is below the Avengers, then what kind of-"

"Alright" Natasha cuts in, "this is ridiculous. Sir, I'm with Steve on this." She doesn't even wilt at the look he gives her, Bucky's impressed "I don't doubt that Maria can do her job right, but I think we should at least be taking the threat seriously enough to warn the people that work at the tower."

"Fine" Fury concedes at last, running a hand over his head in exasperation "but can we please talk about Bolivia now? I need a team of four ready to leave in a week."

-

It's a good day, in Bucky's opinion. He's not needed on the Bolivia mission, so he doesn't have to go through the grueling prep process. The whole vandal thing is mostly solved, everyone is going home early already, so they'll just have to make a formal announcement tomorrow. Well, the tower will make an announcement, the Avengers aren't really getting involved.

So, he spends half an hour in the gym, takes a nice long shower -he uses the fancy shampoo and everything- and then dresses in his comfiest henley and jeans. He's just putting on a movie when a knock sounds on his door.

He combs a hand through his hair, yawns, and leisurely strolls to answer.

"Hey man" he greets casually when he sees Clint standing on his doorway. "What's going o-"

He cuts himself off when he sees the look on his friend's face. Because he's been on missions with him before, and Bucky knows the kind of shit they've seen, but he's never seen Clint look this scared. There's a horrified expression stuck on his face, and he's so pale he looks like he's wearing a mask.

"I don't know how they did it" he pants. And Bucky doesn't know what his friend is talking about, but he hurries to put on some shoes anyway. "They-" Clint is half inside his room already "they just started shooting, they just stepped into the second floor and started shooting."

And Bucky doesn't think he's ever moved so fast. He doesn't ask what the hell is going on because he knows, and a heavy stone of dread sinks into his stomach. A blink and he's got Clint by the arm, another and they're running through the hallway towards the elevator. Bucky doesn't even close the door behind him.

Cold panic sinks it's claws into his chest, but he still forces himself to wait for the elevator to arrive instead of launching himself down the stairs like he wants to.

The second floor, you're on the second floor and this is just like that night when they killed the couple on the street and for one terrible moment he'd thought you were dead.

Would he even know? Does this connection he has with you end with the cosmic ink that was used to write his terrible words on your skin? Or would he know, would the universe tell him you were hurt. He hopes it would, and the thought that it may not makes him lurch with anxiety.

He just got you, and he can't afford to lose you. He looks down at his own arm, and the greeting written on it now sounds in his head with your voice.

Clint graciously pretends not to hear the shaking breath he lets out.

Each second stretches out impossibly long, and the numbers counting down on the side of the elevator mock him.

20

12

8

4

And then he remembers, because he takes half a step before his brain steps on the breaks. You work on the fourth floor.

You've been working on the fourth floor for a while now, not the second. He sags with relief and tells himself again, just to calm his hammering heartbeat. Not the second.

He doesn't know why he thought you were on the second floor, he knew you used to work there, but he'd met you after that. He'd been so sure you were in danger before, but it was probably a brain glitch. People are still being shot though, and he feels guilty about feeling relieved after realizing you were safe.

He knew you were technically in danger, the whole tower was. But now that your life wasn't being threatened directly he felt better.

His blood still feels heavy with anticipation, he knows there will be a fight. The metal of his arms shifts and clicks right before the elevator doors open, and they're greeted with chaos.

The whirr and whine of assembling metal draws his attention first, and he turns just in time to watch Tony's face disappear behind red and gold.

"Get them out of here!" The mask does nothing to filter the panic from his voice.

Bucky gets to work instantly, pulling Clint along.

A man in a balaclava is laughing while he fires shots at a terrified man, lying on the ground and trembling in his three piece suit. He makes sure to never hit his target, the bullets hitting the floor around the man with a bang and a crack.

Bucky isn't that cruel, his fist finds his target fast and true, and only the crunch of bone can be heard before Balaclava falls limply to the ground. Clint doesn't even hesitate before stealing the unconscious man's gun and leading the guy in the three-piece to the nearest hallway, where a group of workers are huddled around the corner. They yelp anxiously when Clint comes into view, and then whisper nervously at their coworker, who still looks a little green from fright.

Bucky spots a door a few feet away, and he jiggles the handle before he realizes it's locked, he's sure it's the one that leads to the stairs. It opens with a keycard and Bucky asks the group if they have one.

"They disabled them when they came in" the woman who speaks doesn't look scared, but rather angry. Her dark cheeks are wet from tears, and her grip on one of her coworker's jacket is too tight to look casual, but her brown eyes burn with fire. Bucky immediately decides that he likes her.

Clint gives him a look, and Bucky knows what he's thinking, the tower is protected with Stark technology. And if these people got in so easily that means that either they have a genius on their side or there's a spy in the tower.

There's no time to answer that question at the moment though. He uses his metal hand to break the electronic lock clean off, and the woman from earlier leads her coworkers through the door before going through herself. Steve has just arrived to the fight, and when Bucky turns he sees Natasha take down a man almost twice her size.

People keep coming in from every direction, friends and enemies alike. Bucky knows they have to block the entrances, stop anyone else from coming in before they're outnumbered. Clint hadn't brought his bow and arrow to the fight, but he doesn't miss a single shot while using the gun.

"Go" he says firmly, firing a shot that hits a man on the arm and makes him drop the gun he was about to fire. "You gotta cut them off" Clint can clearly handle himself, so Bucky listens and runs towards the stream of armed men.

This is clearly more about causing panic than a strategic attack, so Bucky knows his goal is to take down as many men as possible. Unless this is a distraction. It isn't very likely, but he hopes the team wasn't stupid enough to come down all at once and leave the labs unattended.

He also hopes Banner was smart enough to get the hell out of here before the situation got any worse.

He rushes to the entrance hallway, dodging people as they run for cover and fighting any bad guys looking for an opening. Suddenly, a group of men armed to the teeth turn the corner, and while he's trying to stop the sudden onslaught of bullets with his metal arm a blond man grins, pulls the safety off a grenade with his teeth, and throws it as far as he can.

Bucky yells, but it does nothing to stop it's trajectory. The grenade flies over his shoulder and hits a wall. A second passes, and everything stills. Then the grenade explodes.

Debris goes flying everywhere, and a piece of drywall flies by his face and nicks him on the cheek. His ears are ringing and Bucky shakes his head harshly to get rid of the sound.

He wishes he had his comms so he could check on the rest of the team, but he doesn't. So he settles for trying to rub the dust from his eyes and stopping these people from getting any further.

He can't stop everyone, and some of the men run past him. He still manages to knock out a good amount though, and he takes special care of breaking grenade-guy's cheekbone. His harsh breathing forces dust into his lungs, and he coughs as he runs to a window. He can see police cars outside, and they're escorting the tower's employees to safety and securing the entrances so no one can get in. He catches sight of the group he and Clint had helped before, and he lets out a small breath before going back in. He can still hear shouting and guns, but now he knows this won't take long.

The bad guys' advantage is gone, and the surprise factor won't help them in what's to come next. They're locked in with The Avengers after attacking their home and their people, and no one is coming to help them.

-

Bucky is angry, but the Soldier, ever present in the back of his mind, is restless with glee as he fights his way back into the main office. His clothes are covered in grime and blood by the time he gets there, panting and wide eyed, to where the rest of his team awaits.

The room stands still in the silent aftermath of chaos. The air is thick with the dust and smoke that still floats around, the acrid smell of gunpowder makes his nose itch. The quiet, terrified sobbing and fluttering of paper are like white noise that echoes in the once bright and busy room.

Bucky passes the charred remains of a desk, with what looks like candy wrappers littered around it. It sinks into his mind that these were civilians, their civilians, this was never meant to be a war zone.

Something crunches beneath his foot, and Bucky lifts a dirt-smudged sneaker to reveal the now crushed glasses. He winces.

He's about to pick them up when what can only be described as a wail cuts through the somber silence like a whip.

"HELP!" The woman's voice cracks with fear and Bucky sprints in the general direction of the call. He thinks maybe someone may be trapped below some fallen heavy object, but the truth is much worse.

Steve is standing before a door when he gets there, surrounded by a group of curious onlookers. "Get me medical!" He calls out over his shoulder, and Natasha runs from the room. She's limping, but she still weaves quickly and expertly through the crowd.

A second later he steps aside for the medical team, they're carrying along a stretcher, and their hands have smudges of dirt on them.

He continues to stand aside, not wanting to get in anyone's way. But then Clint, scratched and beaten bloody, gets closer to the scene. He looks at the body on the stretcher and his eyes glance up immediately to find Bucky. He looks away quickly, but Bucky notices anyway. He sprints to catch up to Steve and the now moving stretcher.

His body reacts before his mind, and he's doubling over with a breathless gasp before he truly registers who it is that's lying there. He feels like screaming, but he can't get enough breath into his lungs to do so. What happened? You were safe. You were safe.

His voice tears from his throat without permission. And a heavy hand lands on his shoulder with the intention of grounding him. He's shaking, and Steve looks at him intently, confused as to why he's suddenly breaking apart at the seams. He places his other hand on Bucky's chest, trying to keep all the pieces from coming apart. Steve's hand is scorching hot against his chest, and it feels like it burns him all the way to his lungs. He can't breathe, and he's cold.

And suddenly, with a horrible sinking certainty, Bucky knows exactly what's happening. He doesn't know how they did it, doesn't know why HYDRA would want to do this.

He can't freeze again. They can't do this to him again. His body hurts, and he's trying to call out to Steve even as he stumbles away from his burning hands.

He has to get to you before it happens, before his joints freeze oven and stop him from moving again. Already he feels stiff and numb as he stumbles over to you.

Your face is pale and there is so much blood on your clothes he doesn't know where the wounds are. He doesn't want to see you like this, doesn't want the last image he has of you until who knows how long to be you bleeding out on a stretcher, surrounded by dust and smoke.

But Bucky can't leave you alone, and he will push through panic and pain and frost to get to your side. Your hand in his is limp and frail. "Oh fuck Y/N, please, I'm so sorry." He can only beg as they carry you away. He doesn't want to go back under, he doesn't want to watch you leave him, he doesn't want you to be hurt. Please.

No one listens.

-

Steve manages to pull him away from the scene, shaking and crying and trying to get to you even on unstable legs.

He manages to convince him that he's not going back into cyro again, and that the cold he feels in his bones is just a natural response to panic.

The feeling doesn't fade. Not when the last time he saw you you were barely grasping at the fragile thread of consciousness.

Bucky rubs a hand over his face, and he catches Steve make an aborted motion to stop him. But it's too late. The copper-rust scent of blood explodes so suddenly against his senses that Bucky lurches, gagging.

That's your blood. His hand is covered in it and his face is covered in it too and he had felt your hands were sticky and oh god it's your blood.

"Hey" Steve says, grasping him firmly once more as he starts to shake apart again.

"Okay. Okay buddy, okay" Steve's guiding him to the elevator gently, even though he has no clue what's going on. "We'll get you somewhere quiet alright?"

Bless him, he looks terrified as well. The attack has left him feeling tired and guilty and angry, and yet his hand is gentle and reassuring on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky leans his head on his friend's arm, both in thanks and for support.

"Please" he slurs "I havta- I have to get to her" Bucky swallows and his mouth tastes like bile "I just got my soulmate Stevie, please. I have to get to her I can't..." I can't lose her, he means to say. But the words stick to his throat.

Steve pauses, eyes widening as he registers what his friend just said. Bucky distantly remembers that Steve hasn't met you before, and laments the fact that it had to be like this. "She's your..." Steve whispers, his tone heavy with understanding. Bucky can tell he's shocked, but he recovers quickly.

"She'll be alright Buck, okay? But you gotta let the med team do their job, you're more help to her right now just waiting it out than..." he windmills his free hand while he finds the words "barging in through the doors like a madman."

Bucky feels like a madman though. Wild and fragile and scared at the same time, he feels right on the edge of something, and he doesn't want  to know what that is.

"I'll get you a change of clothes while you're in the shower, 'k? We can go see how she's doin' after that." Steve pushes him gently in the direction of the bathroom and doesn't close the door all the way when he's inside. Bucky knows Steve wants to be able to know if he falls, or if he breaks down, he also knows the last thing Bucky wants right now is to feel trapped. He appreciates the gesture, but it still makes him feel like a child.

The water looks more like mud as it runs along his body, the many small cuts he acquired during the fight are stinging, but he barely notices. He doesn't feel clean, and he's already scrubbed and scrubbed for nearly ten minutes. He's panting, on the verge of crying when the blood won't rub off his skin.

It's your blood, and no matter how hard he scrubs it won't come off. His skin is red and raw already, but his mind won't let him stop.

"I'm getting you some sweatpants, and maybe I should pack a change of clothes, huh? For the hospital?" Steve breaks the silence, speaking louder than necessary in hopes he can drown out Bucky's mind. No doubt he can hear his heaving breath. "I'll pack the gray ones, and the blue t-shirt, the one with the stripes. Maybe we can convince Nat to let us borrow one of her blankets." He's talking aimlessly, narrating everything he's doing to keep Bucky distracted.

It works. Bucky gulps, takes a few deep breaths, and gets out of the shower. Pointedly not looking at his hands or at his reflection in the mirror.

"Hey bud" Steve says when he sees Bucky come out of the shower, his eyes are soft as they skim over his red skin, but he doesn't say anything about it "Let's go see her, alright?"

-

A terrible weight is sitting on your chest, and you fight your own body on the way up from the depth of the darkness that engulfs you. It feels like waking up, but worse.

There's light hurting your eyes, and you're not sure if you're laying down or if you're somehow hanging from the ceiling. This is not your apartment- the light is not this bright there- and it feels like the scent of smoke is clinging to you like a memory.

"W'ram I?" Your voice won't work, your head hurts, your heart is starting to pound with anxiety.

"You're in a hospital" the voice is calm, matter-of-fact.

"Oh no" you mumble. And then pass out again.

-

The second time you wake up it's to the sound of crying.

Rapid, sobbing breath interrupts frantic speech. It all sounds like gibberish to you, but it's evident the crying girl is talking to someone, since she's occasionally interrupted by the soothing rumble of a male voice.

It takes you a great effort to open your eyes, which felt like they'd been taped shut. But finally light and color burst into your eyesight, blurry but still harsh. You grunt at the stinging in your eyes and the voices stop.

"I think we should take this outside dear, let sleeping beauty wake up properly." Tony Stark gives you a small, tight lipped smile as he ushers a short, chubby girl out the door. She's still crying.

"I swear I put it in my bag this morning, I just don't know when they could've-" she's gesturing wildly, ignoring Tony's attempts at pushing her out.

"It's alright, they were just waiting for the right moment" the door clicking shut cuts them off, but you can still hear them murmuring on the other side of the door.

With a start you realize that you know that girl. She's the intern that had arrived in a flurry of papers and coffee and platinum blonde hair. She'd said something about forgetting her key card just before...

Just before...

You're afraid to look under the sheet of what you now realize is a hospital bed. But you know what you'll find if you do. Because you remember the pain, and the blood, and the fear.

The heart-rate monitor's rhythmic beeping becomes quicker as your heart rate skyrockets. Is everyone alright? How long have you been here? Where's Marina?

Where's Bucky?

He was the last face you'd seen before losing consciousness, and the pain you remembered in his eyes worried you, you didn't even know if he was alright.

You look around the room, as if hoping that somehow he'd been there the whole time and you just hadn't noticed him. But he wasn't there.

Suddenly, as if your thoughts had summoned him, the door clicks back open and a mess of dark brown locks peeks through. Followed closely by a pair of eyes bruised by lack of sleep, a scruffy beard, and the rest of Bucky's person.

It takes him a moment to realize you're awake. He blinks tiredly at your bedridden form, scans your face, and then realizes your eyes are open. He blinks once again- this time in surprise- before practically teleporting to your side.

"Oh, thank god" his arms are fluttering rapidly all over your frame, not really touching you but obviously wanting to "thank fucking god, Jesus Christ."

His right hand finally lands on your arm, then drags down the length of it until he's holding your hand. His grip is tight, but not painfully so. His other hand hovers next to your cheek for a moment, unsure, until you lean your head so that your face rests in the cup of his metal hand. His breath whooshes out of him in a stuttered exhale.

"You were covered in blood"

"I know."

"They wouldn't say anything to me and I got so worried."

"I'm okay Bucky, I'm okay now" you don't know if the woozy feeling that overcomes you is from the pain meds or the constant motion of his thumb rubbing gently back and forth over your cheekbone. The metal whirrs and clicks, but the motion doesn't seem deliberate.

"You were so pale. I-I thought you wouldn't wake-" the door opens suddenly, but Bucky's reaction is instant. His hands leave your body immediately and he turns away from you and the door, a curtain of hair shielding his face. He clears his throat once, twice, and then sits back down on the chair next to the bed like nothing had happened.

He's close again, but this time he doesn't reach out to touch you.

Tony pauses in the middle of his sigh, looking back and forth between you and Bucky like he can read the tension in the room.

"Well then" he starts, in a tone like he's just finished settling a discussion, even if he's just come in "I think you and I need to have a little chat, Y/N."

"Are you firing me?" You say, like an impulsive dumbass. It might be the drugs.

"No" he blinks "but I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to quit."

"Oh" You say. Bucky's perfectly silent beside you, looking like he hasn't heard a single word of the conversation "um, I-I don't think I will. I mean, this isn't really the job I want forever, but..."

"If you want to leave there'll be no hard feelings. In fact, I could help you kickstart whatever it is you want to do."

"Oh no, Mr. Stark-"

"I wanted to apologize for the..." he waves his hand at your bandaged figure "and really a loan is the least I can do."

"But-" wait what? He wanted you to quit your job? And what was that about a loan? Was he doing this with every single victim of the attack? This was too fast, way too fast. And you were currently on too many drugs to deal with it. "I won't be able to pay you back" you state lamely, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Stark, can you at least wait until she's standing up before you start trying to make her take life-changing financial decisions?" Bucky finally decides to speak. He looks a little annoyed, but also somewhat amused.

Tony straightens his suit jacket, a little embarrassed. "Right" he clears his throat. "That settles it then."

"...settles what?" But you're too slow, Tony Stark has already left the room.

Bucky breathes out a chuckle. "There's probably gonna be a ton of money in your bank account in about twenty minutes."

"Wh-!" You choke "No! I really can't pay him back. And, knowing me, I'll probably end up ruining the whole thing and I'll be broke in like... two months! I-I'd rather earn the money, I think." You're waiting for Bucky to interrupt, but he just looks at you softly, his hand is back on your arm. "Wh- quit staring at me like that! I'm having a crisis here."

And then he laughs.

That gives you pause. You realize that you've never seen him do that. In your short time of knowing him, Bucky Barnes has never laughed in your presence, not like this. There's the small, private smile that you adore so much. And the short, sarcastic huff of breath, and the deep, rumbling chuckle he makes when he's amused at your expense.

But he's never laughed like this, eyes alight with relief and head thrown back in a shameless display of happiness.

"Darling" he starts, laughter dripping from his voice like honey "I don't think Stark expects you to pay him back. If it really makes you uncomfortable I can talk to him, but it'll probably make him feel better if you just take the money."

Your brain is still recovering from the way he just called you darling, and it takes you a moment to gather yourself back into a human person and not a gooey puddle.

"Uh" you say coherently.

The corner of his mouth quirks up. Little shit.

"You don't have to decide today. You're still in the hospital." At the reminder of your state his expression hardens. "Does it hurt?"

You shift in bed to test your condition and immediately grimace. "Yeah, but only when I breathe." You try to joke, but your grin drops when Bucky's face turns downright murderous. "What day is it?" You try to shift the conversation away from your hurting body. You'd been dreading the answer, but you probably haven't been out for more than a few hours.

His mouth twists to the side "it's Wednesday" he leans back on the chair, blowing out a huff of air "the doctors said you were lucky. Nothing major, though you're probably going to have to take it easy for a few months."

"Oh" you say, that meant you were out for a whole day and a half, and probably a good chunk of today too. That wasn't so bad, although you regret losing Monday. You have a feeling like you're forgetting something, although you can't pinpoint what.

"Shit!" You exclaim suddenly, trying to sit up. Oh no, Monday.

"Wh-HEY!! What the hell?! I literally just told you to take it easy, are you insane?!" Bucky jumps from his chair, angrily trying to get you to lie back down while you whine about the pain that flares all over your body "yeah, ow. What the hell was that about?"

"I missed our date" you whine.

Bucky stares at you in silence until you feel dumb. Mouth parted and eyes squinted in disbelief.

"Okay, first of all, I told you it wasn't a date" you grin up at him and he turns away, but you can see him breaking "Jesus, that was stupid" he's fighting a smile, you can tell.

Finally, he huffs, leaning down to press a firm kiss to your forehead. "I'll get us pretzels later, little dare-devil. But only if you promise never to get shot again."

"Fine. It wasn't any fun anyway."

He snorts "the team's waiting outside, by the way. They all came to visit you while you were out, but they want to meet you officially."

You're surprised "Why?"

"'Cause you're my soulmate. But mostly because they're all nosy bastards." His smile is fond as he says it "they'll come in when you're ready."

You don't think you'll ever be ready to meet the Avengers, but it's easy to just think of them as Bucky's family, especially when he's smiling like that. All soft and mildly embarrassed.

"Oh, um, sure" you look down at yourself. Crap, you're probably a mess. You look around the room, searching for a mirror or any reflective surface. Surprisingly, your phone is sitting next to you on the stand, someone had even  been kind enough to plug it in. "Can you pass me my phone?"

Bucky turns, stretching back to unplug it and then handing it to you.

As soon as you go to unlock it you notice you have like a gazillion texts, and almost as many missed calls. Some are from your family, some from Michael, and Marina, most are from Anna. All of them asking you how you were doing and what was going on in increasing levels of worry.

You grimace, knowing you're going to have to answer them sooner or later.

You shoot a quick text to Anna, telling you that you're fine and that you'll fill her in later, knowing she'll tell Michael.

You text Marina as well, and tell her to stop apologizing. The texts start back up immediately, but you ignore them in favor of opening your phone camera.

You don't look as bad as you expected, although your hair looks like a rat's nest and there are deep bruises under your eyes. Someone has removed your makeup while you were unconscious, but you don't look any worse than you feel. Which, okay, isn't saying much. But you've just been shot, so they'll just have to deal. You try to pat your hair down as best you can and then turn to Bucky, lopsided smile on you face.

He huffs an amused breath "Can I kiss you?"

The question catches you off guard "Why?" You blurt. Goddamnit! Stupid! Stupid!

"Because you're adorable." He says it patiently "and because I was worried, and because I just realized that I can and I really, really want to."

Be still, my beating heart.

"Sure." You squeak. You're about to pass out again, you're sure of it.

His mouth quirks up again, half smirk and half loving smile. And then his left hand lands on your right cheek, cold metal against warm skin. And his lips touch yours.

You're glad you're laying down already. Because the soft, long drag of his lips against yours makes you want to swoon like a 19th century woman. He moves like he wants to tug his right hand from yours, but you just hold him tighter. Warm laughter huffs against your lips. He just tugs a little harder and moves his hand to rest on your other cheek. You hum, it feels like there's light blossoming in your chest. Bucky nibbles on your bottom lip before pulling away and it feels like he's taking your soul with him when he does.

"Oh boy" you say, dazed. You can't quite manage to pull yourself back together "the moment's almost perfect."

"Almost?" He sounds mildly insulted "what's missing?"

"Hmm" you hum, fighting the giddy smile that threatens to bubble up from your chest "pretzels."

Bucky laughs that perfect laugh once more.

IT’S OFFICIALLY OVER OMGG!!!

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[agirlwithablog143]

Topic: Suicide and its team of Mental Illnesses Suicide is not a mental illness in itself, but a serious potential consequence of treatable mental disorders that include major depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, substance use disorders, and anxiety disorders like bulimia and anorexia nervosa.

Depression People who don’t have it just don’t get how hurt we are and no matter what they say we will always have doubt in the back of our minds that they’re lying. The pain grows by itself kind of like cancer is uncontrolled cell growth this is pain that could grow just by someone saying hi to us. We break even though we are already broken. Everyday people with anxiety live in fear because they are scared of society scared of disappointing someone that they care about or sometimes a person they don’t even know and it is so scary but then again we get comfortable here in our hiding spot that the monsters find us in. I’m not scared of the monsters under my bed I’m scared of the monsters hiding in my head in a place where I’m supposed to call home i can’t because it doesn’t feel like home it feels like a place where I have been thrown into without consideration of how I might feel and you can ask me how I feel but I don’t know I’m not sure about anything anymore I’m not even sure if I’m actually alive and I think a lot of depressed people feel this way. People will constantly tell you it’s okay to feel this way but it is not and that is why change needs to start with us before anyone else. And it’s not like we don’t want help we do we are just scared you can’t help us the way we need to be helped which takes us back to step one. Trust, can I trust you to help me or will you hurt me like a lot of other people in my life? We really want to trust but the constant, what if and the reminders of the bad things done to us by people we thought we could trust. Living is just becoming harder each day for us because we are constantly worried about what society thinks about us and I feel like everyone is to blame somehow in someway. People still ponder about suicide, and most of us know who is going through depression but we won’t speak out and then what if the next day that person was no longer here. Now the depression passes on to family members and you and friends. It’s so sick how contagious depression is and right now I feel like we are all suffering from the side effects.

Anorexia Nervosa

Control? Do you possess it? If you do then have control over your mind. Don’t let Ana, Sue, Deb, Mia and Annie or Rex, Dallas, Dan, Bill, and Max control you. You have been aggressively fighting for all this control whilst the wicked demons and terrible illnesses have been taking control. You fight to be thin, but why can’t you fight to be alive? The unbearable pain is intense and every time you don’t eat you let them win while you’re undoubtedly losing. You’re losing to them and don't see it because you are worried about being perfect. You will never be perfect and do you genuinely want to know why? Because everyone naturally has their own definition of perfect and you can’t fit everyone’s ideal person. Not everyone is going to like you and there is nothing you can do about that at all. Anorexia can affect people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, races, and ethnicities. Historians and psychologists have found evidence of people displaying symptoms of anorexia for hundreds or thousands of years. (Https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.Org/learn/by-eating-disorder/anorexia)I know it hurts so much to the point where you want to end it all because everything is extremely hard and different now. Modern society has changed and so have we. When we were kids all we worried about was typically classic toys and delicious candy and as we grew naturally we sufficiently realized our parents and teachers lied to us. They said no scratch that they falsely promised us we would be happy, and unknown life was innocent fun they never told us about the heartaches and unspeakable misery we have to figure that out ourselves and sometimes I genuinely think that maybe some of our beloved parents failed us. I say that because right now we are unprepared and we’re fighting demons that we don't know how to fight that no one taught us how to fight and we struggle fiercely with self-hate because we look admiringly unto social media and see all the perfect thin models that we so desperately want to be. This fascinating world just seems so familiar because everyone is intentionally acting like someone else and if the influential person we are trying to act like is acting like someone else then who are we acting like now? Who are we? Who are you?

Bulimia Bulimia (boo-LEE-me-uh) nervosa, commonly called bulimia, is a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder. People with bulimia may secretly binge — consuming large amounts of food with a loss of control over the eating — and then purge, trying to get rid of the excess calories in an unhealthy way. To get rid of calories and prevent weight gain, people with bulimia may use alternative methods. For example, you may regularly self-induce vomiting or misuse laxatives, weight-loss supplements, diuretics or enemas after bingeing. Or you may use other ways to rid yourself of calories and prevent weight gain, such as fasting, strict dieting or excessive exercise. If you have bulimia, you're probably preoccupied with your weight and body shape. You may judge yourself severely and harshly for your self-perceived flaws. Because it's related to self-image — and not just about food — bulimia can be hard to overcome. But effective treatment can help you feel better about yourself, adopt healthier eating patterns and reverse serious complications.(

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bulimia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353615

)It hurts and at the tragic moment you don’t have control you eat food back to back constantly and at the end you’re terribly disappointed in yourself you instantly take your dainty fingers and plunged them down your brawny throat sincerely hoping and humbly praying that all the sins you incorrectly think you have voluntarily committed will come back up and flow into the toilet then it becomes a terrible habit and every time you tear your throat apart with the hurtful enzymes in your upset stomach coming back up with the food but you don’t care, do you? You are only thinking about being thin, about being perfect.You got to find a way to let go of all those terrible thoughts that you contain and want to get rid of but you can’t and you feel stuck I say this from personal experience and I know every experience isn’t the same but I know it still hurts though, and that is what I’m trying to connect with you with.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling. Negative symptoms: “Negative” symptoms are associated with disruptions to normal emotions and behaviors. Symptoms include:“Flat affect” (reduced expression of emotions via facial expression or voice tone)Reduced feelings of pleasure in everyday life difficult beginning and sustaining activitiesReduced speaking( https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml )What you see isn’t real, but the pain is, and that’s all you need to know to drive you over the edge. Sometimes it genuinely feels like the fierce pain is intenser than what it really is. Pain is unfortunately apart of life and there is nothing we can do to change that. So you keep forcibly moving and willfully ignore the deepening shadows that with ease keep popping up out of nowhere like it’s Halloween; usually on Halloween we get an impressive trick and a delicious treat but I haven’t found the sweet candy that is allegedly hiding under the floorboards in my room. There are miles and miles of the floorboard in my room and I can never walk far enough to get to it but maybe I'm just imagining terrific things. What if there’s just a yard of floorboard and I'm not walking at all; what if the floor is actually covered in shabby carpet. I’m unsure what the floor is: I'm unsure of what I’m doing. I do imperfectly know I'm terribly scared. You ask yourself if you are real; you can’t feel the unspeakable pain or how scared you are. You start to feel numb, and you don’t know what to do. Then as you promptly enter the local store and anxiously watch as the shelves that pass you by but inevitably come across a razor but all you can undoubtedly see is the blade inside of it. Another remarkable thing you have merely learned from social media, where to get a cutting blade. Your body walks past it but your mind stays with it to engage in a silent conversation about something you can’t hear. Something you don’t want to hear. Talk to someone before your independent mind forcibly pulls you into the mighty deep and you question whether if you’re actually doing this. Because you are!

 SuicideNow to thing that I have been avoiding, suicide! It affects a lot of families and even the U.S. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death; each year 44,965 Americans die by suicide and for every suicide 25 attempt. Suicide costs the US 69 billion annually. (

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

)

Looking at the 2nd chart makes me think that it only gets worse as you grow older. People around me constantly tell me that things will get better! But when? Something has to change, and it has to start with society; society is so corrupt that it sickens me to leave the house or engage in activities with people. It sickens me to be around myself because of how ignorant I was to the situation from ages 4-8. For 4 years I was blind to these mental illnesses that have been silently taking over and now for six almost 7 years I’ve been suffering from some of the mental illnesses as well. At school, I constantly hear someone saying something bad about someone else and then I can’t help thinking that they are talking about me. The pain comes regardless of what you do to avoid it. I feel like the more you avoid it the harder it comes for you. Suicide is nothing to mess with, and I say this because a lot of people say “you are not choosing between depression and happiness you are choosing between life and death.” but I think we are choosing between depression and happiness because if we make the decision to kill ourselves that means we are no longer happy with life. Then there are unaware people around you falsely telling you to be happy but what if killing yourself makes you happy or not being alive. People constantly say we determine our fate but when we do we are constantly told that is not what they wanted us to do. You are not deciding our fate. My personal opinion is precisely that depression is a lot like tragic death: lonely, painful, numbing, and you sometimes don’t comprehend what is happening!

   https://agirlwithablog143.tumblr.com/post/179452400269/schizophrenia

https://agirlwithablog143.tumblr.com/post/179419234664/bulimia

https://agirlwithablog143.tumblr.com/post/179385976189/anorexia-nervosa

https://agirlwithablog143.tumblr.com/post/179350522174/depression