#prayed to god to help me get out of depression and productivity

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

[ts-journal]

I feel like I wasn't supposed to make it past childhood. I'm going on 19 and yet I'm still totally dependent on my mom. I can't drive and haven't dated or even held hands less kissed someone. But more importantly I feel infantile. I can't do anything, not basic human things (brush teeth, shower, normal sleep cycle, exercise, eat right, go to the bathroom, get dressed etc) recently the person I've talked to the most is a stranger on the internet (don't worry it's nothing personal it's about fanfiction). I have no friends. I'm in cyber school so I'm alone at home all day long. I am tired all the time. When I go out it's for doctor appointments (which I can't even do those by myself) the doctors think I act younger than I am. I'm almost 19 I'm not supposed to be acting like a child. I should be doing school, having fun, going out, planning for COLLEGE.

I have ocd anxiety and depression (all sharp objects have been confiscated months ago) I'm on tons of pills and there's nothing I can do.

I can't not compare myself to normal people. I can't take a walk because I don't have the effort and have never walked the streets alone (I was sheltered all my life) I can't do anything good or productive because I don't have the energy. I can't take care of myself because I again don't have the energy effort motivation.

And I can't even do anything self destructive because of my morals and because I'm a Christian who has scrupulosity ocd so I feel triple the guilt.

I can't even pay attention to tv or books and then you just have to sit there with your eyes open.

I try to talk to my mom about this, the odd friend that i never see that claims she'll always be there for me....none of them seem to get it

I'm so tired of being different. I don't understand why I'm like this.

Gosh that’s rough. I’m going to do my best to offer some advice but don’t hold me to it as I’m not a professional.

You say you don’t have the motivation. In my experience motivation doesn’t exist. Not in the way people say it does. It comes when you do something that makes you feel good. Do something productive. Clean your room, take care of yourself.

I can’t stress this enough: Take. Care. Of. Yourself.

If you live like crap you’re gonna feel like crap and that’s just not helpful for yourself. You can’t progress that way. You have a huge “I can’t” mentality. Try “what if I try” that always helps turn things around.

Pray, read your Bible, have a relationship with God. I find I’m at my worst mentally and physically when my relationship with God isn’t striving. Read the book of Psalms, I find that to be positive which brings me to the next part.

Find positivity in your life. I hate to break it to you, and you probably hear this a lot…but you’re the boss of your mental health. Like I said, you got crap in your life and you’re gonna feel like your life is crap. You can’t get past that without positivity in your life. Look up human strengths (a psychology proven way of adding positivity to your life).

Human strengths is actually a huge part of positive psychology, a branch of psychology I encourage you to read up on just to help you add some more positivity to your life.

I hope this was found to be helpful to you, and if not I hope you see I care about what you’re going through. Try this! I promise you won’t regret it. Reading your vent, I can see that you need to take a grip on the resources you have and take over your life. Everything else will fall into place.

I can talk at you, I can encourage you, but none of that is going to do squat if you don’t use it. There’s the best I can do for you! Remember, I’m no professional. I only know what I’ve learned.

[amicidomenicani]

Question Dear Father Angelo, I recently discovered a very interesting section in your site containing questions (and answers) covering several topics of moral theology. I am 40 years old, married with … children, the youngest one just turned 3. My wife and I, by the grace of God, love each other very much and thank the Lord every day for the wonderful children He gave us, even though our life is obviously quite exhausting, with both of us enjoying very few free moments for us, with all the “normal” worries and economic difficulties. We always attend the Sunday masses, (occasionally we also go on weekdays), participate in the sacraments, and to a lesser extent also to the parish life. We pray every day as a family before our meals, and sometimes I manage to win the battle against the TV and we all tune in to the evening rosary on Radio Maria. I come from a very devout family (my mother) marked by the divorce of my parents when I was a child: my father abandoned his family to live with another woman, followed by others over the years. My father is now old, and a few years back I reconnected with him, and even managed to forgive him for the great evil he did to us. I experienced in person how great a grace the evangelical forgiveness is, not so much for the recipient as for the giver! This trauma affected me in many ways, but Jesus constantly held my hand, so much so that today I am a caring father, a faithful husband, always there for his family. At work, by the grace of God, rewards and achievements have not been lacking. My wife on the contrary grew up in a fairly atheistic family, a typical product of the sixties. When she was very young, she had sexual relations with different men. She had sado-masochistic experiences when she was in her 20’s with one of her “boyfriends”, which left many psychological scars in her (particularly in the form of erotic/sexual fantasies), and marginally even in her body. At the time she suffered from depression and profound distrust (she was in the early stages of anorexia). Then by the grace of God she began a journey of conversion, with the help of some friars and diocesan priests, that quite literally saved her. She converted and came back to the Church! We met shortly after her conversion and got engaged. By mutual choice our engagement was chaste, we had no sexual relations before marriage (before knowing my wife I had never had other stories/relations with anybody else), even though it was not easy at all… Our engagement lasted about 3 years, and during that time our love and God’s grace started healing the deep wounds she suffered from on a sentimental/sexual level, as well as mine. We experienced the greatness of God’s love and the power of his Resurrection. Our marriage was a Feast and the first years were beautiful, even though sexually my wife suffered from partial frigidity: she lived the sexual act passively, almost “like an ice statue”. Clearly it was very hard also for me to deal with that situation. Since we got engaged we put ourselves under the spiritual direction of a friar, who helped and supported us a lot. Then my wife started getting pregnant and of course we did not have sexual relations for months. My wife’s frigidity gradually waned over the years until it disappeared completely a few years ago. Now, 14 years into our marriage, with our youngest child growing up, my wife finally reaches out to me with great and mutual joy; our sexual life is full of love, engagement and passion. After her last pregnancy my wife suffered some “crises” of depression and weeping, together with some less serious physical problem; we were literally frightened by the prospect of another pregnancy. We therefore consulted our spiritual director (who has followed us since our engagement, and knows our story very well), and he gave us “permission” to use a condom, according to the moral principle of the “lesser evil”. There are in fact official Church documents stating that the use of condoms is admissible in particular cases.

For the sake of completeness I should also mention that because of a significant irregularity of my wife’s menstrual cycle, it is quite difficult to use natural methods. Even now, with the youngest child who just turned 3, we both believe that having another child would be unsustainable. I read some of your answers and I believe that you hold a different position in the matter: contraception is always outside of Church doctrine, correct? Regarding our sexual relations, in the last few years the sexual act is preceded usually by some brief moments of mutual oral sex, to intensify our excitement. We never doubted that this would be fine, but I nevertheless ask for your opinion. On occasion, though rarely, it happens that our conjugal act is preceded or followed by “complete” oral sex. I ask if in this case the act can be considered fine, and if not would that constitute a grave sin. Lately my wife started displaying some agitation (I believe that now that the youngest child is getting older, her hormonal balance is stabilizing), and after a few days she confided to me that she started being haunted by sadomasochistic sexual fantasies. This happened in the past too and caused great suffering and uneasiness to both of us. I could never be able to hurt (even in the slightest way) my wife to “cause her pleasure”, this seems to me an obvious contradiction, and I consider this a threat to our beautiful marriage. However, she is not convinced that this would be harmful for us and made it clear to me that she would like to “experiment”. I would appreciate some advice on this. Lastly, lately she asked me to have anal intercourse as a form of preliminary before the conjugal act. I am not particularly aroused by it, but she definitely is. On this also I would appreciate some advice from you. Thank you in advance for your reply. Cordially G. Priest’s answer Dear G. 1. I am sorry I am so late in answering, but only today I got to my emails of March 14th. First of all I’d like to congratulate you on your beautiful family, especially your children. It’s a great blessing from the Lord. It’s true that you have no more time for yourselves, but you should also know well (lest you run the risk of forgetting) that you do not belong to yourselves, but to God and his proxies, that is your children. 2. I come now to the moral questions you submitted to me. First of all, your fear of a new pregnancy. Such fear - especially with regard to the good management of your family life - is justified. However nobody can “permit” what God has prohibited. The divine prohibition of contraception is aimed at keeping love pure and promoting the spouses’ mutual respect. After reading your email, it seems evident to me that with your spiritual director’s “permission” your relationship has worsened, and has caused the resurgence of problems that had hitherto been sufficiently settled in your wife’s life. 3. First of all, as you correctly inferred from reading various answers on our site, nobody can grant exceptions to the law of God. You say that there are “some official documents of the Church stating that the use of condoms is admissible in particular cases”. No, there is none, not even one. Saint John Paul II said that with contraception “married couples claim a power which belongs solely to God; the power to decide in a final analysis the coming into existence of a human person. They assume the qualification not of being cooperators in God's creative power, but the ultimate depositories of the source of human life. In this perspective, contraception is to be judged objectively so profoundly inadmissible as never to be justified for any reason. To think or to say the contrary is equal to maintaining that, in human life, situations may arise in which it is lawful not to recognize God as God.” (9.17.1983). As you can see, I put never and for any reason in bold. 4. As you know, all forms of contraception are a distortion of the sanctifying plan of God on human sexuality and constitute grave sin.

This means, among other things, that you cannot receive Holy Communion without confessing such sin. 5. Sometimes it may be necessary to resort to some kind of expedient to stimulate sexual desire. Referring to it as oral sex is inappropriate because it gives the impression that you intend to use sexuality outside of God’s plan. In your case you soon moved on to “complete” “oral sex”. This is an impure sin against nature. It’s a very grave sin, because God’s plan on sexuality and its intrinsic finality is wholly disregarded. 6. The purpose of sexual acts is not primarily the satisfaction one’s sexual pleasure. They must be acts of love, of mutual self-giving where nothing is held back, or it would not be an act of total donation. As you can see contraception goes directly against the purity of love. Blessed Pope Paul VI was right in affirming that such acts cease to be acts of authentic love. 7. In this regard I can’t forget the words of John Paul II: “the person can never be considered a means to an end; above all never a means of "pleasure". The person is and must be nothing other than the end of every act. Only then does the action correspond to the true dignity of the person.” (letter to families Gratissimam Sane, n.12). And I can’t forget what God said through St. Paul: “This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you know how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God; not to take advantage of or exploit a brother in this matter, for the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you before and solemnly affirmed. For God did not call us to impurity but to holiness. Therefore, whoever disregards this, disregards not a human being but God, who (also) gives his holy Spirit to you” (1 Thessalonians 4,3-8). The Jerusalem Bible reminds us that by “one’s own body” is also intended the spouse’s body, because the two are now one flesh. 8. The resurfacing of certain fantasies, experiences and desires in your wife goes back to a corrupt idea of sexuality, which is seen as the satisfaction of pleasure, as libido. What happened to her before her conversion must not come back now. It would benefit neither of you. Do not allow yourself be dragged into it. On the contrary, help your wife live a chaste life. By introducing the use of condoms you inadvertently reopened a door that should have been kept closed. 9. For this very reason I wish to stress the value of chastity within a marriage. To avoid any misunderstanding, by chastity in the context of marriage I do not mean abstinence from conjugal intimacy, but the willingness to perform the conjugal act in harmony with the law of God, that is, without contraception. Those experiencing irregular biological cycles may still find out their days of natural sterility. They may be fewer, but still enough to keep love pure, respectful of the person and capable of rekindling itself in the constant commitment of one’s life. 10. One last thing. On some questions you asked for my opinion. I would like to clarify that this is not my opinion (as such, it would be worthless). It is rather the doctrine of the Church. It is God’s law. And this alone should be enough for us to surrender ourselves to its determinations. God does not need to protect himself. In his commandments, especially those forbidding certain actions, he strongly wants that we do not harm ourselves, willingly or unwillingly. He only wants what’s good for us. 11. Surrender then to his ways. Choose them bravely and make them yours. No law contains more wisdom than a single word in any of the laws that our God gave to us. I gladly remember you in my prayers, keeping in mind all your children one by one. I bless all of you. Father Angelo

[martinezmicah]

20221201 | Year-End Beginnings

Content warning: This post contains topics involving mental health and sexual assault.

It’s never too late to start anew this year. I guess?

It's kind of weird that this seemed like a short year yet a lot of things happened. It was a year of fruitfulness, kind of.

I got my first job as an online data entry contributor and researcher. It was a remote job, and I am good at it. However, i felt like I wanted to try having a job in government research or the food industry. Of course I applied for jobs. I had multiple interviews. I never really got rejection letters but having no updates on the application just meant they didn't push through with me.

I really wish they still sent out letters to all who applied, and for people like me who has been through multiple screenings, I wish they had an honest feedback about my application and credentials.

I did become a Project Assistant for a technology business incubator at a state university in March. These kinds of jobs are on a contract basis and we were not exactly employees of the university. I had the job for around 3 months. I didn't renew my contract. I felt my mental health declining before I decided to hand in my resignation. I don't think it was really a resignation since my contract was up anyway.

I went back home and kept my data entry job. I was being paid a bit higher here anyways and when I'm at home, I wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, and transportation.

My work schedule is also a flexible, so I can do some extra work when I still have extra time during the week.

At the end of July, I joined the 13th National Youth Parliament. I was one of the delegates from our city, as being the Secretary General of the first youth parliament. I made new friends whom I still keep in touch with until now.

In August, just a few days after the NYP, I also participated in the ASEAN Youth Forum's SEAYouth Festival 2022. It was a fun learning experience and it was just amazing hearing from different youth leaders across ASEAN. I was also surprised when I was awarded Best Delegate from the Philippines for my participation, granted I wasn't able to join through speaking since I was also volunteering then, but I did type in my suggestions and proposals in chat and through email. It was a really awesome experience and it's just inspiring how these different voices from different nations are coming together for the betterment of the ASEAN Youth.

I have been working productively on my job, but I was still having doubts about my abilities. I also felt like I am not doing enough when my peers are going on 5-year work anniversaries or going abroad for graduate studies and such.

I have been volunteering at church more. I found a sense of belongingness there. They know what I have been through, my depression and anxiety, how I had to go to counseling and drink my meds. Some of them know how I was sexually assaulted by someone I used to trust when I was in college.

And yet, despite these, I didn't hear any judgment from them. They helped me recover. They made me feel welcome and warm and fuzzy. They celebrate with me even in small wins. They cry with me when appropriate.

I have been active in the music ministry again. I even shared my story to the youth leaders in a university last November. Oh, right! I also turned 26 last November.

Among other things, I wished for a lifetime partner on my birthday. I have had feelings for this person and I am still actively praying for him. But I need to guard my heart, more so now that I hear he's also ready to pursue someone. It's just, I know I should have said something then, but I didn't wanna sound needy or too upfront.

I am still gonna pray for a beautiful love story. One that I won't be afraid to show the world. One that I can write over and over and still not get tired after a million years.

But I do hope it's you. I pray to God that it would be you.

It's the last month of the year. A while ago, I went to the Worship Night at church. I led the worship. I led a prayer for the campus ministry. Oh, right, I am going to lead the group for our scholars at Real Life and I am excited to be meeting them this weekend again for our first official mentoring session. I was thinking of sharing my college testimony as well.

Anyway, tonight we just decided to go have dinner at McDonald's rather than go home earlier. After the meal, we played a bunch of mobile table top games, ending it with the classic Chain Reaction game. I didn't win, but it was fun. We shared a tricycle home, and it took us around 30 minutes to actually go home since we lived in different parts of the city but we had to ask the driver to start with the person who lived the farthest from the city proper.

It was a lot of fun, even though it took some time away from what was supposed to be my work time. But it's fine. I still have the rest of the weekend to do the work.

It's getting late. I'm sure by this time, you're probably sleeping peacefully. You have an early morning tomorrow.

I hope I see you on the weekends.

[alokastrology1]

Can Spiritual counseling help me overcome depression?

People who are depressed often feel sad, but they also think the world is unfair, that life has no point, or that God doesn’t like them. You might wonder, “Am I clinically depressed or just not believing in God?” “Is life as empty and unfair as it seems?” “Is God going to punish me?” Should I take medication or something else? It is a lot like spiritual experiences that people have every day.

Get an online astrology consultation by the world-renowned Astrologer Mr. Alok Khandelwal.

Some people don’t want to get help because they think they should have more faith. Religious traditions and communities perceive depression as a sickness, proof of mental weakness, or even punishment, yet it can be addressed through Spiritual counseling for depression.

What's it all about?

Depression kills enthusiasm and stops people from taking action. It can also make people feel hopeless and make their minds and bodies sick. You can make a resource for outbursts and actions without worrying that someone might regret it later.

Often, these thoughts are pointless. Depression must be treated so individuals may live with greater enjoyment, naivete, energy, and potential.

What is depression spiritual counseling?

From a divine point of view, it’s easy to get over depression, despite what someone with depression might think. It’s not as hard as you might think. This is a concern since mental capacity affects viewpoint. This advice is for those who need to see a doctor about something physically wrong with them; it takes into account environmental, psychological, and esoteric issues.

First, try to figure out the problem’s cause as best you can by analyzing it. Do not rush. Think about the question as you sit quietly. If you have to, spend a few days.

Don’t pay attention to the reasons, because your problems can’t be solved and you can’t get past them. All of your problems can be solved or dissolved by the divine inside you and the expensive things around it. Don’t just give up.

Keep your body in good shape by working out regularly and doing other healthy things. Both your mind and body will feel refreshed and re-energized after a walk in the field.

A clean and healthy diet is important for the health of both the body and the mind. Increase your intake of fresh fruits and vegetables. You can get them at health food stores. Vitamin tablets made from natural products can be good for you.

To strengthen the nervous system, you should get enough exercise, take time to relax, eat healthy food, and pray regularly. Even practicing yoga every day is better.

Read Also:- Lucky Colors To Wear This Holiday Season!

How do spiritual therapies work?

The best way to use the divinity inside you is to say the holy names of God over and over again and get spiritual counseling. Please pick the name of God that means the most to you from the Bible and say it over and over again, without stopping.

You will feel your power in a short time. All of the holy books of the world agree on this technique of spiritual practice. The last power of the divine name is like the power in a tree seed that is not yet used.

Just like a seed needs soil and water to grow into such a big plant, the divine name needs to be said over and over again for its power to show.

How do the mind and body interact to cause depression?

Discomfort caused by things like digestive problems, diabetes, anemia, or other diseases will naturally lead to a scarcity layout in the mind.

Too much sugar can induce high and low blood sugar, which affects mood.

Young moms may feel depressed right after giving birth. Hormones are often out of whack at that time, so a new mother’s feelings about things can change a lot.

A tiring mental arrangement is caused by a flawed nervous system or too much work and stress. And a bad attitude can make things go even further off track in the long run.

What are the outside things that can cause depression?

It seems that simple things like the weather or a cloudy day can cause sadness and depression.

If someone’s welfare state isn’t good enough, it can also make them fight.

A person will also become more negative if they work with other negative people.

Have your possessions stolen from you or destroyed in a fire, tornado, storm, or other natural disasters.

Conclusion.

 At the top level of spiritual growth, you can reach a spiritual bliss that lets you forget about all your troubles, challenges, and material conditions. But that’s a different story.

If you think about yourself, you can rise above good or bad things that happen. You can’t let what’s going on in the world or your life gets you down, or you won’t be able to do anything about it. Counseling works, and it always makes things better.

Read Also:-  The Importance of Vastu for factories

[conscious-love]

Why Holding On To Past Relationships Is The Worst Thing You Can Do For Yourself, Period

by Daniel Dowling via MindBodyGreen

Three years ago I was a 24-year-old failure-to-launch who lived on his mom’s couch and shared a bathroom with two teenage sisters. My friends had their own houses, degrees, and independence. And there I was, broke and depressed, totally reliant on my parents. It hadn't ever not been that way.

But in 2014 I made one small decision, which led to results I still sometimes can’t believe.

Today, I’m leading writers in a national campaign to rebrand my hometown, and I write for the best entrepreneurial and self-improvement sites in the world (mbg being my favorite; no lie). I make a great living coaching others to become the happiest and most successful versions of themselves. That’s a lot of change in just three years, from any perspective. And I can trace the transformation of my life back to one single thing: letting go of my exes—completely.

Breaking free from serial monogamy.

For most of my adult life I’d been a serial monogamist. I thought I just really loved love, but it turns out I was just really, really afraid of responsibility. So, for my personal dissatisfaction and unhappiness, self-improvement wasn’t the cure—it was a new girlfriend! And when that one didn’t work out, I'd find another. Yay for love!

Except it wasn’t love because I wasn’t becoming the best version of myself through these relationships. So after the last one ended ignominiously, I quit the love game—just not quite all the way.

I still kept in contact with my exes. And Jen—my former fiancee—was a particular crutch. We still visited each other even though we lived in different states. We kept in regular contact through texts and phone calls, especially during crises. I was still depending on her to make me happy.

Every time we talked, I renewed the connection to my former ways of thinking and behaving. It strengthened the conviction that, deep down, I could only be happy with Jen. She was my way out. If things got too tough, I could always come to her, and she could come to me. We even promised that if we weren’t married by 30, we’d get hitched. Talk about a safety net… (and, yes, also the plot of My Best Friend's Wedding).

Unfortunately, that safety net was keeping me from being the bold, successful, independent man I wanted to become. I just couldn’t seem to cut the cord on my own.

Flying without a net.

Then one day I was listening to an audio course from my favorite self-improvement mentor, Zig Ziglar. He was talking about how to right our wrongs and forgive ourselves. He advised writing apologies down and sending them to the appropriate people. But he had a special step for exes.

"When it comes to the forgiveness you want from your exes [Zig has a drawling Southern accent], I want you to follow all the steps I just gave you. But instead of sending off the letter, I want you to fold it up, light a fire, and burn the damn thing. Cuz there’s no point in renewing emotional connections with people who aren’t good for you. That’s why they're your exes! It’s time to move on from them and fully embrace your own life."

When one is slapped by truth, one’s jaw has a tendency of dropping, and the eyes have a tendency to glaze over, lost in a thousand-yard stare. That was the picture of my face. Might’ve even drooled a little.

I thought about Jen, and Em, and Katie. I thought about how important they’d been for me and how much security they’d brought me. And I knew I had to let them go for good. For good.

No more texts or calls. No more being Facebook friends. No email updates. No nothing.

I had anxiety about the decision, naturally—severing ties with my past and obliterating a huge comfort zone. But I had a future to step into. I had to do that on my own.

Dealing with the emptiness.

I missed my former girlfriends like crazy. But instead of feeling sorry for myself and longing for them, I prayed for them. I asked God for the same things I was asking for my own self-improvement journey—courage, faith, hope, positivity, inspiration, grace, and so on. I prayed for them to meet amazing and inspiring friends who could help them become their best selves. I prayed for my future wife. And I prayed that I would become the fully independent man capable of supporting her.

In all this praying, I completely changed my focus. Instead of relying on my girlfriends for faith and reassurance, I relied on God and my own ability to handle my problems. I took back the misplaced faith in my girlfriends and put it squarely in my own hands.

That’s when I finally launched.

Do you believe in life after love?

Just like Cher, I found my power only after letting go of my past relationships.

Without my exes as safety nets, it was just me. Nobody else was going to make me happy. So I did what I needed to do to make me successful—all the writing, studying, practicing, pitching, researching, and self-improvement. I actually become part of a community and made new friends. I fully embraced my own damn life.

Three months passed and I still missed my exes. But I was making money through my writing and making new connections.

Six months passed and I still missed my exes. But I’d started earning a full-time living through my writing. And I was growing more confident by the day, especially in my community.

A year passed and I still missed my exes. But I was fully independent through my passion. And I’d outgrown the anxiety and depression that had haunted me since I was a teenager—a by-product of my newfound faith in me.

It’s been three full years since I cut out my exes. I’m 100 percent over each one, but I’m human—I still miss them! Who wouldn’t? They were brilliant and beautiful women who were insanely fun to be with. I made thousands of joyful memories with each one.

Sometimes I’m reminded of them by hearing a certain song or watching a movie. But that’s just another opportunity for me to thank God for them and to pray for them. It’s another opportunity for me to be the independent and faithful man I know I can be for myself, for my wife, for my clients, and for my audience. It’s another opportunity to find security in myself and in a higher power. And through these opportunities, I’ve found the happiness and fulfillment I always wanted.

I advise all of my clients to go on a yearlong relationship fast, which most of them do. But the real growth comes when they fully let go of their exes and stop using them as crutches. It’s hard, hard, hard to do but absolutely essential if you want to grow.

Here are five tips to help you let go of your exes for good:

1. Start a self-improvement routine, complete with daily, weekly, and monthly goal setting.

Read this article as a primer.

2. Meet with someone weekly to discuss your personal growth and your journey.

This person will help keep you accountable to your goals and lifestyle choices. Can be a friend or an amazing coach.

3. Stay single for a year—totally single.

If you can’t be happy with you, you won’t be happy—truly happy—with anyone else. Love that you! Commit to being successfully single for a year. That means happy, connected in your community, fulfilled in your work, and in a state of continuous personal growth. (Your daily routines and long-term goals will be critical to this step.)

4. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people.

Join a faith community where people strive to live out the values you identify with. This is where you’ll find the deep connections that you can grow with—and that will prevent you from leaning on your exes as crutches.

5. Pray or meditate often.

Use your emotions as mindfulness cues. When you miss someone, pray for them. When you’re lonely, pray for the courage, positivity, and fortitude to make good decisions. When you think you can’t go on—that happens to everyone—pray for what you need. This will help you grow faith in a higher power and yourself, which is an absolute must if you want to be happy alone.

And being happy alone? That’s an absolute must for loving someone unconditionally in a relationship that can last a lifetime.

Link to article on Mind Body Green

Author: Daniel Dowling

[garbagevanfleet]

Brightest Blue (series)

PART ELEVEN

Pairing: Josh x reader Warnings: talk of sex and such, feelings Summary:  Things are changing. New state. New school. New roommate. You just pray things are going to click into place.

Notes: alright, this is terribly late again because im a depressed snail at heart, but its longer than usual, so i hope that makes up for it. If you read my fic at all, i love you. If you interact with this fic in anyway, i want to wed you. 

taglist: @valleyd0ll @satingrass-maidensfair @guitarfingers @thebohemianpenguin @peaceisouranthem @oblvions @hansonobsessed @myownparadise96 @anditsmywholeheart @kill-fear-the-power-of-lies @bigblack-catattack

MASTERPOST

You woke up in a daze of fuzzy but pleasant memories. You were trying to blink the sleep from your eyes when Josh entered your line of sight. He had emerged from the hallway, completely naked save for the necklace he’d been in the night before, little water droplets slipping from his curls to his shoulders. 

You shot up in bed, and as you did, the comforter fell away from your body. It took you a moment for you to realize that it was the air hitting your bare skin that was making you feel chilled, but it didn’t last long. Your face turned beet red as you quickly picked the sheet back up to cover yourself. 

He was giving you an odd look - somewhere between amused and concerned. “Are you alright?” he tried cautiously, still standing there stark naked. 

“Josh! You can’t just walk around naked,” you complained, stuttering on your words as they came out. 

He snorted a laugh. “What? First of all, this is my room. Second of all, it’s a little late to try and protect your modesty.”

You rolled your eyes at him until you realized what he was talking about. “Oh my god, we had sex last night,” you whispered to him like it was a secret, a tiny smile on your lips. 

He nodded, breathing a laugh. “Yeah.”

You experimentally shifted in your seat before grimacing up at him. “That would explain why I’m sitting in a damp spot.”

You could only describe the laugh that escaped him as a cackle, honest and unabashed. “Gross.”

You had to say you agreed with him. 

There was a cautious moment, where you stared at each other, both unsure of what to say. 

“Are we good?” he tried quietly like he was a little scared of what you were going to say.

You patted the spot next to you and he clambered in as he was told. You leaned against him as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. 

“Of course, we are,” you assured, nuzzling your head into the crook of his neck. 

“If it’s going to make you feel better to pretend it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be mad.”

You pulled away and looked up at him with a frown. “What are you talking about?”

He shrugged, sporting a nervous smile. “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

You heaved a big sigh, shifting to look into his eyes. “Josh, I want you to listen to me really carefully, okay?”

He nodded.

You slowly reached up to cup one side of his face in your hand. “I don’t regret it - actually, I had a really nice night. I just think that it would be best for everyone involved if it didn’t happen again. We probably shouldn’t be romantic...or naked around each other.”

The expression he wore seemed like an understanding one, at least to you.

“You want me to make pancakes? Maybe chocolate chip banana?” you offered, giving him a cheeky smile. 

He couldn’t help but match it. “Yes. You’re probably going to want to put your tits away first though.”

“You first,” you quipped, smacking the back of your hand against his peck. 

+++

The rest of the weekend, the two of you spent watching Christmas movies on the couch (even though the holiday was more than a month away) while you worked on sewing the costumes. Josh had offered to ask the theater department if you could borrow a sewing machine, but you had been way too afraid of it to try and use it, so it sat in your room alone. That did, however, leave you to sew 26 costumes by hand. Well, more like 24, since Rachel had two of them mostly done. 

You were finding it oddly fun though, even though your fingers hurt by the fifth stitch or so. The hardest part was making sure you worked on the basics of every costume first - your instinct was to work on one at a time until it was perfect, but you knew you had to be smart about time management. Luckily, even though it was only near mid-November, Michigan’s weather was lovably unpredictable. The weather station had called for snow only through the weekend, but, in reality, it was Monday evening by the time it was done dumping snow - giving you a full three day weekend. 

Kate had been sending you pictures of the pieces of the set she had taken home with her to work on, and you couldn’t hide how impressed you were with her work. You would almost be offended at how good it looked if you hadn’t known she was an Art History major with a heavy side of sculpture work. 

In the last two weeks before the production, you barely got to see Josh. He would walk you to school, but then you usually wouldn’t see him for the entire rest of the day. You tried to wait up for him on Thursday night, but you ended up falling asleep on the couch, and woke at 1 am to him gently patting your shoulder. 

“Hey, you should get up and go to your bed.”

You blinked up at him, sitting up and brushing your sleep-mussed hair from your eyes. 

“You’re home so late,” you scolded half-heartedly, pulling your borrowed sweatshirt closer to your face. 

“I know, sorry. There’s still a lot to do, especially after we got snowed in last weekend,” he replied, sitting gingerly on the armrest. 

“I told you that I’m happy to help however I can.”

He smiled at you, but you had to admit that he looked over-tired. You’d been watching him burn the candle at both ends for three days straight. “It’s a lot of stuff that only I can do. Like going over the music and making the final set diagrams.”

You hummed in understanding as a response. 

“Want me to carry you to bed? You can come sleep in mine if you want,” he offered through a crinkly-nosed smile. 

You grinned back at him, genuine at first, but it quickly turned melancholy. “Josh,” you said under your breath. “I’d love that, but I don’t think it’s good for us to share a bed anymore.”

His expression fell, face turning blank. He nodded at you, standing and giving you a disappointed smile. “Sleep well,” he wished, patting your shoulder again once before retreating to his room. 

You stayed on the couch for a while, your knees tucked up to your chest, as you sat in your guilt. You had known it was stupid of you to have ever let things turn anything other than platonic with him - it had been undeniably fun, but he was your roommate, for fuck’s sake. You had to see him every day, eat your meals with him. Had you not selfishly let yourself go there in the first place, you’d be cuddled up beside him tonight. 

It had been so lovely having any kind of affection - platonic or otherwise - that you let yourself get carried away. 

When you finally got up and went to bed, Josh’s light was still on, his door shut for one of the first times since you moved in. 

+++

Kate took you out for breakfast on Saturday morning to a local hole-in-the-wall that she swore had the very best pancakes she’d ever eaten. She had shown up in a puffer jacket that looked so warm, it made you jealous. 

You’d been chatting easily about your classes and the play, but when you had finished your first cup of coffee, there was a lull in the conversation. 

You hadn’t meant to say it, it just bubbled out. “I slept with Josh.”

She glanced up at you through her jet black lashes, stony-faced. “Yeah,” she replied, way too calm, sounding like she was wondering why you were even telling her.

You blinked at her for a moment. “Did you hear me? I had sex with Josh.”

She nodded. “Do you want me to pretend like I’m shocked?”

You grimaced at her, and in a whiny tone, responded, “Yes, please.”

A nervous laugh escaped her as she fixed her features to display a surprised expression. “You did what?!” she asked - purely for your benefit. 

You groaned at her. “Okay, I get it. I feel so bad about it, Kate.”

Her cherry lips shaped into a puzzled frown.  “Why?”

A deep sigh filled your ribcage - you had been hoping it would clear your head, but no luck. 

“Because I desperately miss being able to be platonically intimate with him and it not being awkward. Before this, I was sleeping in his bed from time to time when I got too cold and we would cuddle.”

“Why can’t you go back to that?” 

“Are you listening? I slept with him,” you groaned. “All I can think about is him on top of me now.”

She scoffed, her chipped nails tapping against her glass of diet Coke. “Imagine how he feels - Josh had real, honest to god feelings for you, I think. Like for a while.”

“You said that, but I don’t know. How do you know that he didn’t just want to sleep with me? Like not in a conscious way, but what if he just wanted affection? What then, Kate?”

She had one dark eyebrow raised at you as she sipped at her straw. “Because I know that’s not true.”

“How would you be able to know that? Because you see him sometimes at school-” 

She cut you off with a confident smile. “I know because I talked to Jake about it.”

You almost blew past it - that is until you realized what she had said. The two of you shared a long, silent moment as you stared at each other. 

“You’ve been talking to Jake?” you asked, trying to keep your tone even so she didn’t know how excited that made you. 

“I have talked to him in the past, yes. He said that he already knew, but he was able to pry it out of Josh when he was drunk once.” 

You stared at her. “Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here right now, I think we can both agree with that. But can we start with you and Jake?” 

She huffed a disbelieving laugh as she set her hand on yours on the table comfortingly like she was trying to cushion the news. “Josh has some feelings for you - the real kind.”

In an effort to prolong the moment that it was time for you to speak again, you picked up a bite of your breakfast and popped it in your mouth. The moment always comes though, no matter how long you try to put it off. 

“I can’t,” you said quietly, shaking your head in disappointment. Then when she prompted you with a confused look, you finished. “I can’t risk it. I mean, maybe there could be something there, but he’s my roommate. And my best friend - there’s no way I’d ever get lucky enough again to find someone I connected with like that if things went sour and I had to move out.”

She licked her lips absently. “My advice would be to think about it - for literally as long as you need to. I’m confident that you’ll figure out what you want.”

You nodded, not entirely convinced one way or another. “It’s hard because he’s so fucking cute,” you said in faux disgust. 

“And sweet,” she added. “Don’t forget that.”

You shot her an accusatory look. 

After a long pause, a smile found its way to your lips. “How cool would it be though if we were both dating one of them?” 

She laughed, picking a syrup-covered strawberry off her plate and chewing it with care. “Not me, I can’t be tamed. Jake is really hot and everything, but I got shit to do, you know?”

You scoffed at her. 

“I’m definitely keeping him in my contacts though,” she said with mischievous eyes. 

+++

 You didn’t directly see Josh for the rest of the weekend, though he left evidence of his presence scattered through the apartment. He had left his hair mousse out on the sink and the toothpaste cap off of its tube in the bathroom, some crumbs of a sandwich he packed for lunch in the kitchen, and a note on his bedroom door. 

Can you please feed Penny a couple of flakes for dinner? If you have any time today, I’d appreciate it if you could spend some of it with her. See you sometime soon! - J

You plucked the paper off the door where it was barely hanging by a thin strip of green floral tape and smiled as you read it again. 

His bedroom was dim, hid away from the sun by his closed blinds. The desk by his door was covered in books - textbooks, music books, books for his English lit class, and one you’d seen him reading for fun on more than one occasion. On the hardwood floor next to his bed was a stack of papers, and even though you knew you shouldn’t you crouched to peek through them. 

They appeared to be rough drafts of plans for the play - nothing too exciting, but they were charmingly eccentric. He had done little doodles of his ideas for sets and props, even a whole sheet of costume ideas that caught your eye. You pulled it from the messy stack and folded it into your pocket. 

Careful not to spill any water, you moved Penny in her globe to your bedside table, but as you stared at her through the glass you frowned. 

You pulled your phone out and snapped a picture of her, trying to make sure you got an accurate portrayal of her size. She looked at you, sticking her lips out of the water in search of food. You remembered Josh’s warning about overfeeding her the first day you’d met him and it brought a genuine smile to your lips. You promised her you’d be back, holding your finger just above the water and letting her press her mouth to it. 

On the ride over to Petsmart, you had called your mom, asking if it would be okay if you borrowed some cash, to which she agreed to after her usual line of questioning. When you pulled into the parking lot, you checked your bank account just to make sure it transferred okay, always nervous that you’d get to the register and your card would decline.

You spent longer than you should have reading articles online as you studied the tanks, all set up in rows for purchase. They weren’t as expensive as you’d expect a water-sealed glass box to be, and after you were confident you had picked the right one, you still had plenty left in your budget for the dressings. 

You picked a couple of fun decorations - a fake log for her to hide in if she wanted to and one that looked like part of a broken Greecian statue. The part that took you the longest was picking out the healthiest-looking plants. You had read that goldfish often like to eat live plants, but you couldn’t bring yourself to buy fake ones - the plant lover in you knew it was a cardinal sin. 

A very kind cashier agreed to help you carry your haul to your car, even helping you shift it all correctly so you could make it fit. You left him a secret tip, even though he denied at first, and thanked him profusely.

Getting the tank into the apartment was the hardest part. You realized just how lucky you were that you didn’t live above the first floor. 

By the time you got the tank situated back on his dresser, your muscles - especially in your legs - were protesting, but you weren’t done yet. You grabbed an empty ice cream pail and started to fill the tank, one trip at a time until it was about 3/4’s full of water. 

The decorations had to be shifted multiple times before you liked their position enough to start pouring in the gravel around them. A Youtube tutorial taught you exactly how much of each chemical to add and how to put together the filter, and then you left it to cycle as you returned to your room.

Perched on your bed, you pulled the sheet of costumes from your pocket and studied it. You pinned it to your corkboard. Undeniably, the cutest design he had come up with was for the door mouse - grey fabric, huge ears, and a rope tail. 

The rest of the unfinished costumes were in a cardboard box by the side of your bed - you hadn’t moved it anywhere because you knew you’d be back at it before too long at any given time. You bent down off the side of your bed and rummaged through the different fabrics until you found the one you were looking for - a grey-blue faux suede deal. You were pretty sure you had enough to make it work. 

You fished your phone out from where you had buried it under the covers when you shifted and called the one person that could help. 

“Hello?” Kate mumbled, sounding like you’d just woken her up despite it being noon. 

You giggled at her. “Hi, I’m playing my best friend card. I know you’ve helped so much, but can you please please come work on these costumes with me?”

She hummed and then went silent for a good, long moment. “Give me ten to wake up and get dressed.”

A beaming smile spread across your face. “Kate, I love you so much. I’m going to Venmo you money to get coffee and donuts, okay?”

“Hmm, I do like donuts.” She sounded pleased.

“Good! Bring Jake too.”

+++

The knock on your door came a half-hour later. You jumped from your bed, racing to let them in. Jake was dressed in the softest-looking flannel shirt you’d ever seen, a drink carrier in his hands that housed three drink cups. 

“Okay, so there are three jobs that need to be done. Measuring and marking, cutting, and sewing. If we each take one of those jobs, I’m confident we can finish a couple of the costumes today. I’ll let you guys pick first,” you informed as you lead them into your room. 

“I’ll take cutting,” Kate said, prompting Jake to reply that he’d like measuring. 

You handed Jake the notebook of measurements with a grin. “Rachel,” you started with a sneer. “Did a lot of the calculations for us, thank god. All you have to do is measure out the fabric. The tricky part is making sure you do it in a way that will leave enough fabric for the rest of the costumes.”

“Not a problem,” Jake responded with a smirk. “And I think her name is just ‘Rachel’, not ‘Rachel’.”

Kate shot him a look on your behalf. “I think she was just making a referencing the fact that Rachel left your brother with a huge ass list of things to do completely alone, not that she was jealous.”

“Jealous of what?” you asked accusatorily, a scowl painted on your face. 

Jake put both of his hands up in defense., but he didn’t appear apologetic in the slightest. Smugly, he said, “I’m just saying-”

Kate reached out and smacked his chest. “Jake, shut up. Okay, what one should we start on?”

“I’m going to have Jake start with this one.” You turned to the page in the notebook that showed the measurements for the door mouse, laying it out by him. “This is the main fabric. Kate, I have a lot of the Queen of Heart’s fabric measured and marked already, so I’ll have you start cutting that. There’s a lot of little pieces to that one.”

Kate looked at the six different fabrics you’d laid out for her, one eyebrow cocked at you. “Have you been getting any of your own homework done at all?”

Your cheeks flushed as you nervously rubbed at the back of your neck. “Let’s stay on track, shall we?” you replied, pretty much answering her question. “We’ve got one week until the production, and I know the costumes have to be done at least a day ahead of time.”

They both just stared at you in varying stages of disbelief. 

“Don’t look at me like that. We can do this,” you assured, sounding a hell of a lot more confident than you actually were. “Now let’s get to work.”

+++

When Josh got home, you were nearly sleeping on the couch, the remains of your current project in your lap. You peeked at the clock.

10:54 pm. 

“You’re home so late,” you whispered, for no particular reason. 

“I know,” he agreed, wiping his hand over his face after he took his jacket off. 

“Come sit with me a minute,” you requested, shifting so he would have space. He gave you a grateful smile, immediately crossing the room to do as he was told. 

After a moment, he cautiously wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “Is this okay?” he asked quietly. 

You gave him a smile. “Yeah, it’s perfect.”

You knew he must have been tired because he wasn’t talking a mile a minute like you were used to after not seeing him for long. 

“Are you hungry?” you asked.

He hummed, sounding like he was close to passing out. “I am, but I can make myself something.”

You scoffed, “Absolutely not. You got get into bed and I’ll bring something to you in a second.”

He reluctantly got up off the couch and clambered into his room. You waited patiently for him to notice the surprise, grinning to yourself when you heard him gasp. 

You listened as you made him a sandwich, and you couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying, but you knew he was talking to Penny just by the tone of his voice.

As you rounded the corner into his room, he turned and gave you a smile as bright as the sun. 

“Did you do this, or did Fish Santa come early?” he asked, his finger pressed against the glass of the tank. 

“Well, kind of both,” you responded through a laugh as you sat next to him on the bed and delivered his sandwich to his lap. “You can consider it your early Christmas present.”

He stared at you for a long beat, looking like he might cry. You knew you’d never be able to handle that, so you pulled him in for a hug, tightening your arms around him when he hugged you back. 

“You’ve been working so hard,” you whispered. “I miss my best friend.”

He turned his face, pressing his nose into your cheek in a move that felt a step or two farther than friends.

“I’ve put everything I have into this,” he admitted, and you were too scared to ask if he meant the play or something else. You sat like that with him for a long moment before he pulled away, giving you a thankful smile. 

“I’m sure you need time to decompress, so I’ll leave you be. Eat and then get some sleep, okay?” You stood and headed for the door, turning when he called your name. 

“Thank you,” he said.

[eyeheartsheep]

How to stay sane during quarantine

I have chronic depression and executive dysfunction. I’ve also been working from home for a good few years now. I’ve learned a lot, so I think I have some advice to help all of the people that are now stuck at home for long periods of time.

1. Shower, change your clothes, brush your hair, brush your teeth, shave. Anything that you would normally do first thing in the morning to prep for school/work, you still need to do it. Our minds crave the routine, and your body doesn’t suddenly stop needing to be clean because no one is seeing it dirty. 

2. Do everything in your mortal power to keep the same sleep schedule you had before. For the absolute love of god. Set an alarm and stick to it as if your life depended on it. Fucking with your circadian rhythm is the #1 to make you feel like dog shit.

3. Keep a journal or at least a calendar. It helps the days matter. If you don’t have something concrete to look at each morning or night to remember the day and the date, everything starts to meld together. It fucks with your soul. And besides, you’re living through a historical event. If any time was the time to start documenting your life, it’s now.

4. Stay in touch with your friends. It doesn’t matter how, as long as you do. Discord is a go-to. Even Facebook works. There’s also Watch2Gether, where you can watch videos online with friends. 

5. If you’re religious, continue practicing your faith within the comfort of your home. Your God doesn’t care where you pray. They get it. It’s cool. This is especially important if religious gatherings were a part of your normal life. Right now, everything is scary. Find comfort where you can.

6. Pets are important. Take care of them well if you have them. Walk them or let them get exercise. Play with them. Cuddle them. You both are made healthier with the contact. 

7. Pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to but never had the time or energy. It’ll let you feel productive and give you the feeling of accomplishment that school and work might.  And it’ll keep your mind engaged.

8. It’s tempting, but don’t binge watch or play. Don’t watch the entire SVU franchise back to back, or spend 12 hours playing Morrowind. You shouldn’t do anything for such a prolonged period of time. It turns something that should be a reward into the emotional and mental equivalent to junk food. If you have to, at lest cycle what you’re watching/playing.

9. Work out. You’re going to gain weight, that’s normal. It’s a drastic change to... well, everything, but especially your body. This is twice as likely if you eat when you’re emotional/bored. 

10. Fuck me, stop watching the damn news so much. Social media counts, too. Maybe check once a day, once every other day. You’re freaking yourself out for no good reason. The numbers aren’t so important that you need to know it every hour of the day. You don’t need to see what stupid things someone said or did. Our brains weren’t meant for this.

11. If you have the luxury, go outside. This is maybe one of the most important ones. If you live far enough from others, take a walk. Maybe bike. If you can’t, go in your yard and relax. If all else fails, open every window in the house. Homes can constrict you if you stay there for to long. It starts to feel like a prison, and you go stir crazy. No home should feel like a prison. 

12. If you have one, your therapist very likely offers online visits. Most state insurances that cover therapy/counseling also include online visits as an accessibility feature. Even if you don’t normally attend therapy, you may need it to combat situational anxiety and depression, which is just as important as their chronic cousins. 

Uh. Hope I helped. I’ve always sucked at concluding statements. 

[traumacatholic]

Do you have any tips for overcoming acedia and being productive while depressed? :) I find it hard to keep up with my uni. work because of 'existential dread' and other symptoms of acedia.

You know, I actually didn't know what the term acedia meant or that it personally impacted me until I read this:

Catholic writer and poet Kathleen Norris:

“I was a bratty kid who didn’t want to make her bed.

“Why bother?” I would ask my mother in a witheringly superior tone. “I’ll just have to unmake it again at night.” To me, the act was stupid repetition; to my mother, it was a meaningful expression of hospitality to oneself, and a humble acknowledgment of our creaturely need to make and remake our daily environments…..

One of the first symptoms of both acedia and depression is the inability to address the body’s basic, daily needs. It is also a refusal of repetition. Showering, shampooing, brushing the teeth, taking a multivitamin, going for a daily walk, as unremarkable as they seem are acts of self-respect. But the notion of pleasure is alien to acedia, and one becomes weary thinking about doing anything at all. It is too much to ask, one decides, sinking back on the sofa. This indolence exacts a high price.

I think anyone who's experienced this and has tried speaking about it has likely been greeted with "you just do it / just go and do it / stop making a big deal out of it". I think this is because for them, they are naturally in tune with the steps required to carry out these tasks. They can derive meaning from them, whereas those with mental health disorders such as Depression - or even those with things like ADHD or Autism don't get the same response from these tasks. We are likely to find the task a lot less manageable (we don't naturally know how to break it down) and it doesn't give us the same reward that other people are experiencing. We've managed to drag ourselves to the shower, and all we can think about is how we're going to have to do it all over again in the near future. It makes it feel really pointless.

I don't think there is an easy answer, although if you can access a therapist and/or work with CBT/DBT workbooks (a lot of these are designed for someone to go through by themselves) then you might be able to develop coping mechanisms for these tasks. I have to admit this is something that I do struggle with a lot. Although I would say that when I do manage to inject some meaningfulness into a task, it does get easier. This could be combining doing a task with listening to hymns or singing along to songs, it could be praying the Rosary alongside a Youtube video, developing a specific time that I go and pray. When this kind of routine is disrupted, I do find it really hard to get back into it, but if you can slowly build up a routine, slowly battle against one or two tasks each day, then you can really strengthen yourself in this area.

Would it be possible for you to combine your university work with listening to hymns or putting on a Catholic podcast in the background? You can turn this work into something more meaningful and Spiritual, offering up your struggles with the task. Afterwards you can speak with God about your troubles, your frustrations, turning it into a period of destressing. Over time, your brain would then begin to associate doing this work with spiritual nourishment and the removal of stress.

It's a lot easier to run away from these tasks and responsibilities, and to the outsider, this can look like laziness or lack of appreciation to other people. And we might internalise these things and sincerely believe them ourselves. I think having this mindset can make it worse for us, so learning to unpick this mindset and to put it to the side is likely helpful. Tasks are a lot more manageable when we're not stressing ourselves out so much or beating ourselves up about how everyone else can do this thing that we're struggling with.

I haven't read it, but you might find this collection of Christian reflections on the topic of Acedia to be interesting and you might be able to get something useful out of it.

You can also find a collection of tips and advice here: https://www.ncronline.org/news/people/feeling-antsy-morose-kathleen-norris-offers-tips-cope-acedia

You can find some extra advice here:

https://aleteia.org/2021/09/26/advice-from-3-monks-for-overcoming-acedia/

Likewise here are other resources you might find beneficial:

https://www.baylor.edu/content/services/document.php/212244.pdf

https://www.catholicmom.com/articles/4-tips-for-fighting-back-against-acedia

https://simplycatholic.com/fighting-acedia-choosing-god-at-all-times/

https://catholicherald.co.uk/how-to-beat-the-spiritual-disease-of-acedia-grab-a-rosary-and-go-for-a-walk/

https://www.vitalmasculinity.org/journal/beating-back-acedia/

[juyeoniemyhoney]

a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

You love Jungkook. You’ve always known that much. But after living under the same roof for a year, you finally realise that your love for Jungkook is not at all platonic but in all ways romantic. Your feelings only build as another year passes and finally, one grocery run later, you tell him how you feel. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t end well.

-pairing: jeon jungkook x reader 

-genre: angst, just angst all the way.

-warnings: swearing, Jungkook’s a little bit of an ass in this one

-word count: 3775 words

-A/N: hii this is my first time posting on tumblr but i’ve been writing since like 2016 lol. i hope you like this depressing imagine and stay tuned for more imagines that are coming soon. also, i don’t really even like the ending and i feel like i dragged this out wayyyy more than i should have but oh well, i hope you enjoy it anyway. please let me know what you think and feel free to leave feedback so that i can improve!

---------

When you decided to live with your best friend, you should’ve known you were bound to fall in love. 

Flashback to senior year of high school. The two of you had miraculously graduated with incredibly average grades. Jungkook got into university solely because of his outstanding performance on the rugby team and you had gotten in thanks to pure luck. Seriously though, that was a really close shave. Anyway, the decision to live together when the two of you realised that you were going to the same university came as easy as a spring breeze. 

Which thus began the deterioration of your heart. 

Ever since you met Jungkook in your first year of primary school, his big eyes and beaming smile had always tugged at something in your chest. You had never denied this feeling, assuming it was because you love Jungkook, which you did, just platonically. But having to live with Jungkook made you realise that even though you were with him most of the time, you never really wanted to leave his side. 

For years, you had denied any thought that maybe you might be in love with Jungkook. But you had taken every single thought by the throat and stuffed it deep, deep down inside you, into the deepest, darkest corners of your being, forgotten and left to rot. Every single time your heart fluttered when you looked at him, every single time your skin tingled when he touched you, every single time your cheeks blushed when he did something for you, you had stopped yourself from feeling those things, those pesky little butterflies in your stomach because Jungkook is your best friend, nothing more, nothing less. Even though you know that he always meant more to you than you did to him. 

The one thing you dreaded once you realised that you love Jungkook more than a friend, was your monthly grocery run. When the both of you had first bought the flat — which you had only been able to afford thanks to Jungkook’s kind, high-rolling parents — you had both agreed to always go grocery shopping together, no matter what. You’re not really sure how this agreement came about, but at the time, it didn’t really matter to you because Jungkook was just Jungkook then.

But now that Jungkook is Jungkook, your crush, your heart cannot help but swell with how domestic grocery shopping with Jungkook always sounds. 

And grocery shopping with Jungkook is what you are going through right now. 

Right now, a year after realising that you are romantically in love with Jungkook and two years after moving in with your best friend, Jungkook stands next to you in the feminine products aisle, holding a crumpled piece of paper with grocery items carelessly scrawled on it, his other hand on the shopping cart that is a quarter-filled with household items that the two of you need to last until the next month. Despite how this situation is not at all scary, your heart beats like you are hanging precariously over a high ledge, palms clamming up as you nervously ball up the fabric of your shirt. 

“Which one is it?” Your saliva is stuck halfway down your throat when he asks the question, causing you to choke and cough the saliva up. You seriously need to get better at hiding your nervousness around him, if this even counts as hiding it, seeing as how you are literally not being normal, cool, or calm. You mentally face palm yourself for being you. 

“Um, I don’t see it,” you reply as calmly as you can, relaxing a little when you hear that your voice does not waver at all. 

“Here! Isn’t it this one?” Jungkook exclaims suddenly, scaring the absolute shit out of you and causing you to jump up in surprise, letting out a squeak when you see that it is the brand of pads that you use. You shove the thought that Jungkook does pay attention to you and tell yourself that it is because he has to see it on top of the cabinet in your shared bathroom every time he goes into it. He has lived with you for two years, of course he knows what brand you use, you idiot. 

“Yeah, thanks,” you mutter as you throw three packets into the cart before walking off, hands casually locked behind you as you roam the aisles, not sparing Jungkook another glance as he pushes the cart and follows behind you. You refuse to look at Jungkook and have your cheeks heat up again, especially not after he caught you blushing when you first met up with him fifteen minutes ago. 

Despite the fact that Jungkook had gotten into university solely thanks to rugby, he had surprised everyone by deciding to major in film. Though you had been a little surprised, you knew that film, or anything that had to do with a camera for that matter, had always fascinated Jungkook. And now in his third year of university and a certified adult, Jungkook had decided to get a job and stop relying on his parents. A little later than everyone else, but at least he finally decided to stop splurging the monthly allowance he got on cocktail nights at the bar around the corner. The job he got was a good step for Jungkook but a horrible one for you for he had decided to audition for a modelling company. And he got in. 

Which is why you don’t want to even spare him a glance. Because Jungkook had just gotten off work which meant that he had his hair done up, soft strands of light brown styled so that it was out of his eyes, allowing the light to hit his usually hidden, dark brown eyes, turning them a golden brown that reminded you of slow-dripping, melted caramel. And even though all he is wearing is a sky blue shirt and navy slacks, your mind and heart is going absolutely feral at how well they compliment him, high-waisted slacks cinching his waist and loose shirt hanging off of his broad shoulders. You realise that your arms ache to hold him.  

“What’s next on the list?” you ask, derailing your thoughts, as you nonchalantly survey the aisles so that you don’t have to turn around and look at Jungkook, even though you want to. You want to look and never stop. But he can’t know that. 

“Cereal,” he answers, catching up to you so that he is walking next to you, the end of his sleeve brushing the top of your shoulder. You give into your urge to look up at him and immediately, as if someone has punched you right in the gut, the wind is knocked out of your lungs because he is already staring down at you, a small smile tilting the corner of his lips up. You can quite literally feel your pupils dilate and you pray to god that he did not see it as you quickly but— you hope —casually turn your gaze away from him, nonchalantly asking, “Oh, we ran out?” 

“Yeah,” he replies, stopping to retrieve the cereal from the shelf. You reach out too but he beats you to it, knowing full well that you will never be able to reach the cereal that only sits on the highest shelf. Your heart stops for a while when you can feel him unintentionally press into you, chest brushing up on your ponytail, heat radiating from his body and pulling sweat from the pores of your palms. But the warmth quickly retracts with him as he pulls away from the shelf and haphazardly dumps the box of cereal into the cart before setting off, pushing the cart forward and out of the aisle, leaving your frozen form in the dust. 

You quickly snap out of it and follow Jungkook. 

As you trail behind him, pretending to look at products along the way so that you can stay behind him and play with your thoughts, your mind wanders off. All too suddenly, you are daydreaming, imagining yourself as courageous as you confess your harboured feelings to Jungkook. In this alternate universe that your imaginative mind has created, Jungkook beams down at you and accepts your confession, confessing that he too had been harbouring feelings for you. Jungkook calling your name snaps you out of your delusions. 

“Y/n?” 

It takes you a little too long to realise that he is talking to you but when you do, you reply with the most flustered, the most nervous sounding what you have ever heard leave your mouth. 

“I asked you if you wanted Nutella,” Jungkook patiently asks again. Far too nervous to properly internalise the question and reply with a proper answer, you haphazardly shake your head and pretend to wander off into an aisle filled with shampoo. You honestly don’t know why you said no. Nutella runs in your blood and your stupid diet — which is really just you being far too lazy to actually get up and make food — has your body aching for Nutella. But your pride runs deeper than you expect and you do not correct yourself, allowing Jungkook pass by the Nutella without another glance. 

Now back to overthinking. One of the reasons why you liking Jungkook is so bad is because, well, he has a fucking girlfriend, one who he loves very much. Plus, as if the universe absolutely fucking hated you, Jungkook had told you about said girlfriend, on the bloody day that your stupid ass had finally realised that you were romantically attracted and in love with Jungkook. And as if punching you in the face wasn’t enough, the universe had pierced your heart with the fact that you knew this girl. He had started dating Yoora. And you loved Yoora. Or more specifically, you found it humanly impossible to hate that girl. 

Ever the polite and sweet girl, Yoora had helped you pick up the wind-scattered pages of the love story you had written, handing them to you with a sweet smile and wishing you a good day ahead as she walked off. After that, you seemed to see her everywhere. So much so, that she had finally decided to approach you one day and become acquainted with you.

The aching pain of your unrequited love only continued, with each glance at Jungkook. You had also third-wheeled on a number of their dates and watching Jungkook look at Yoora, or someone who wasn’t you for that matter, with so much love squeezed your heart painfully, as if the universe was trying to wring a towel dry and your heart so happened to be said towel.

And Yoora being nice to you isn’t helping either. She has always looked at you kindly even though you are literally living with her boyfriend. Maybe she has always assumed you are gay or don’t harbour any feelings for Jungkook, or maybe she has always thought the best of you, that even if you did have feelings for Jungkook, you would never even dare try for him. 

So how on earth are you supposed to love him when Yoora’s kind and understanding eyes always flash through your mind when you think about Jungkook? How on earth are you supposed to hate her for stealing Jungkook away from you when she has been nothing but nice to you? But at the same time, how on earth are you supposed to like Yoora when she is the reason Jungkook is impatiently waiting for you to finish with your last year in university so that you can finally move out? How on earth are you supposed to like her when she is all that occupies Jungkook’s mind, leaving you forgotten like you are some childhood toy that Jungkook has grown out of? How are you supposed to live at all when those three fucking words take over your body like a goddamn curse, seizing control of your feelings like your heart is some kind of airplane and your feelings for Jungkook are forcing your heart into a nosedive, flying straight into the ground and shattering the feeble vessel? 

The answer is that you can’t. You can’t fucking live. 

“Is that all?” Jungkook asks you after about ten minutes. You did not even notice that you were lost in your shitty thoughts for that long. When you raise your head to look at the cart instead of the floor, you see that it is filled with groceries that will be a pain in the ass to carry home alone. Right, you totally forgot Jungkook is meeting Yoora right after this, which means you’ll probably have to carry everything back by yourself, seeing as how you’ve been carrying groceries home by yourself for the past three months. 

“Yeah,” you reply after your eyes lazily scan over the items, looking up to give Jungkook a weak smile before walking away and leading the way to the cashier. 

Silently, the two of you load the items onto the conveyor belt one by one, allowing the cashier to scan and pack the items into flimsy plastic bags before handing them to you. Jungkook pays since it is his turn and quickly tucks his wallet into his pocket before rushing to help you by taking most of the plastic bags from your hands, leaving you with only one bag. Against your own will, your heart swells with love. 

“Aren’t you meeting Yoora?” you question him as the two of you begin to walk out of the building. Jungkook turns to you and flashes you a bright grin, one that has something splintering in your chest and your breath hitching. 

“I told her to wait a little longer,” he answers, smiling sheepishly, tone hinting that he feels guilty for ditching you for the past three months. As he should. You reply with a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. 

“Also,” he starts, trailing off a little as he pauses to let you walk ahead little before switching places with you so that he is walking on the outer side of the pavement, steps spilling onto the grass when the both of you have to squeeze past people who selfishly idle on the pavement, lingering outside shops for smoke breaks. Your heart’s quickening beat rings in your ears. You ignore it and flash him a grateful smile before he continues his sentence. 

“As I was saying, what’s up, Y/n? You’ve been a little off these days,” Jungkook questions, taking his eyes off the pavements to periodically glance at you, eyebrows knitted together in a concerned frown, teeth worrying his bottom lip. 

Of course Jungkook would think something is fishy. Once upon a time, the both of you could easily read each other like a children’s picture book, it was foolish of you to think that just because he prioritises his girlfriend before you, doesn’t mean that he can’t read your behaviour. It was foolish of you to think that Jungkook had changed at all. So far, he seemed normal. Maybe it was just you. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’ve been cold lately. If you haven’t realised, all you’ve said to me throughout this whole shopping trip were short sentences that end the conversation straight away. And I know you’re always working on your essays for your classes but we don’t even have movie night anymore. Not to mention that you barely even talk to me anymore. So tell me what’s wrong. Did I piss you off or something?” Jungkook explains, a sadness oozing from his gentle gaze that he turns to you as the both of you halt at a pedestrian crossing. The sorrow in his eyes causes your chest to tighten as you find it impossible to talk. Because you miss him too. So much. You would kill just to feel the unadulterated rapture you felt when you were spending time with Jungkook. You really just want things to go back to how they were before you liked him. 

“Oh, I’ve just been going through a lot lately,” you answer, trying to keep your reply as vague as possible, hoping he leaves it at that and waits for you to tell him when you are ready. 

But of course, Jungkook continues to pry. 

“What are you going through? Come on, Y/n, you can tell me. If you do, maybe I can help you,” he bombards you, eyes silently pleading that you allow him to fix your problems. You know he means well. Jungkook has never intentionally caused harm to you but right now, you just want him to drop it. Because how on earth are you going to explain to him that you are in love with him and are jealous of his pretty, smart, kind girlfriend? 

Apparently your brain knows how.

“Well,” you start before you can stop yourself. The look in Jungkook’s eyes makes it impossible for you to just cut it off there, so, you continue. 

“I’ve liked this boy for a long while now but he has a girlfriend. I really want to tell him but I’m afraid it’ll ruin our friendship,” you blurt. At first, your chest feels light, heart finally rid of the words that had weighed it down. But then, you look at Jungkook, gorgeous eyes conflicted as he carefully articulates what he wants to say next. Then, again, your heart fills with an unimaginably heavy weight that sinks it all the way down to your gut. And you cannot help but think, he knows. He knows and he’s is going to break my heart all over again. 

“Can I ask.. who it is that you like?” he asks wearily, as if he is a hunter approaching a wild deer that startles easily. As the two of you turn the corner to your shared apartment, you glance up into his eyes once more and your heart sinks further. Fear. Fear swallows his eyes as he awaits your answer, afraid that what you’ll say next will completely decimate the past fifteen years of your best friendship, afraid that you will completely destroy his trust with your next words. 

And even though you want to lie to him, you find it impossible to. Which is why, before you can stop yourself from blurting it out, you reply with, “You.”

The feeling of complete and utter horror hits you after a second of lag time. Despite the extra second that it gives you to prepare yourself, you do not use it and when the realisation of what you said hits you, it hits you hard, like a million bricks to the face. 

Jungkook stills and you freeze too, too scared to even look at him. The both of you stand on the street, a few steps away from your ground floor apartment, a few steps away from privacy. But you think that at this point, privacy completely flies over Jungkook’s head. 

“I have a girlfriend, Y/n,” he states, as if you didn’t already know. You turn to face him and Jungkook’s expression is not at all far from terrifying. He has never looked at you with such stern, angry expression, eyebrows knitted together in a disapproving frown rather than his previous concerned frown, and it quite literally scares the shit out of you. His gaze has hardened and he looks at you as if you have committed murder — which you have, seeing as how you have completely lynched this whole fucking relationship. 

“I know you have a girlfriend,” you scoff. You swear for a second that Jungkook glares at you. Your heart stops. What have you done?

“I just-“ you start, trying to explain yourself but Jungkook cuts you off by raising his hand. For the shortest of milliseconds, you think that he is going to hit you, slap you, do something. But then, you dismiss the idea, knowing full well that Jungkook will not harm you. He is Jungkook. No matter how angry he is, he won’t ever lay a hand on anyone, especially you. 

“You know I have a girlfriend and yet you decided that it was appropriate to confess your feelings to me now?” he questions in a clipped tone, frown deepening with each thought that passes through his mind. 

“Look, Jungkook,” you start, taking a deep breath before continuing. To your surprise, he listens patiently. 

“I have been in love with you for two years now. Or well, I realised in our first year of Uni. But I’m pretty sure that I’ve been in love with you for far longer than I’ve realised. I know that you have a girlfriend and I know that I’m being selfish and a really shitty friend right now but I’ll be honest, it was beginning to burst out of me, my feelings, the words that I yearned to speak but could not, knowing that I’d be condemned to hell for speaking them. So quite frankly, I know I shouldn’t be scolding you, but I don’t need a fucking scolding from you,” you snap at him. Your breathing is laboured after the words leave your mouth. You pause for a second and watch him, waiting for him to make a move, to blow at you anyway. But he stays silent and you walk away, shoving your key into the lock of your apartment and swinging the door open with so much force that it slams into the coat rack standing behind it, knocking it down. 

Jungkook silently follows you into the house, gently placing down the groceries at the entrance of the kitchenette before he slips back into his shoes and leaves, slamming the door behind him. The slam is loud and resounding, and it feels like the sound waves are reverberating inside your chest, shattering your heart like glass. 

Left in the deafening silence, an air of complete and utter regret filling your apartment like a thick fog, the weight of your’s and Jungkook’s words finally take their toll on you, somehow increasing the gravitational pull on your body and pulling you to the floor. You do not know how you have yet to burst into tears but right now, all you can feel is a numbness that overwhelms your senses, dulling them down. Your ears tune out, your vision narrows, and the cool, tiled floor of the kitchenette beneath your fingers does not feel like cool tile at all. 

God, Jungkook must hate you now. 

And finally, at that thought, the idea of your best friend — or really, your only true friend — hating you, do your tears fall. 

[talldarkandroguesome]

27th of Morning Star, Turdas

Again today I did not have the energy to face the peering faces of the Psijics. I was still feeling drained from my conversation with Valsirren and worried over what Valsirenn may think of me after having seen the empty bottles I had in my room.

Of course I had not had the opportunity to explain that they are leftover from as far back as when I first arrive and not merely what I have drank in the past couple of days.I simply have accumulated many over the time I have spent here.

I had thought of slipping out late in the night when few were around, to dispose of the bottles as much as anything else, but I simply could not get my nerve. Not even for a meal.

Such feelings were not helped when one of the Psijics, a Bosmer man I had only seen in passing within the healer’s room, arrived at my door, saying that Valsirenn had sent him to check in on me to see how I was, since she had not been given enough time to see for herself.

It was obvious that he was not merely a well wisher, nor an ordinary healer.

He introduced himself as a healer and said he was there to offer his services to me.

I played as though I had misunderstood, telling the mer that the one advantage of my current condition was that I came back in complete health with no lasting injuries.

He explained that sure, I was physically fine, but I had seen some horrible things, been through a lot of pain. How was I holding up with that, he asked me.

I knew what he was doing. I had been checked on in such a manor many times before, typically after an assignment where I had to take lives. Or even the assignment had to be improvised a bit. Things not going exactly as planned.

So I knew what he was probably looking for. And I knew what Valsirenn had probably said. I knew how many bottle were on the floor while he stood there speaking with me.

To this end, I tried to come across as open, upset but recovering.

I started explaining that at the start I was certainly pretty messed up about everything. It is always disorienting to die and come back, and that at first I was particularly out of sorts given how I had died.

The first few days were, naturally, the worst of it. I was trying to get my mind wrapped around so many things, the events, the losses, that strange sense of disconnect looking at yourself without any proof that the horrible things that befell your body ever really happened.

It put me in rather a depressed mood. I had no appetite. I did not wish to see anyone or have anyone see me in such a state.

Understandable, of course.

Then I had started to work through the events in my mind. I spent a lot of time praying and taking comfort in the knowledge that this was simply another challenge to overcome. That the Living Gods would lend me their strength and wisdom.

I had realized that much of my anxiety was from not knowing precisely the situation with my family. And that, as such, I had decided to be productive. I would focus on that. Even just having starting to make plans had helped me gain a lot of clarity.

The healer nodded sagely throughout and then pronounced that it seemed I was doing good. He even applauded my decision to be proactive. I knew he would, somehow.

He also offered his services, someone to help me to make the healing process easier.

I told him I was grateful for the offer, but that I wanted to try doing things on my own first, see if I could not push over the last bit of my sadness in my own way. That if I still felt in a rut, I would certainly seek him out and take him up on it.

And I thanked him many, many times for everything.

As soon as he was gone, I felt a panic set in.

I can stay here no longer. I cannot deal with people flitting about after me in such a manner. I need to get off the island. To breathe for a bit.

Besides, I have a promise to fulfill.

I have packed my few possessions and I plan to let Valsirenn know I am going to be leaving for a few days. I hate to use a good reason, something I wish to do, as an excuse if I am not doing it. But I do plan to use some of the time to look for signs of Nabine and our girls. Just... I need to go to the Cathedral of Webs.

I promised I would help to rebuild it. To cleanse it.

And I must face the judgement of my Prince. To take any punishment She decides upon. I was unable to keep my Earl alive. The one thing I promised my Prince. One of the things I promised my Earl as well.

And I know my Earl would not wish for his people, slain so cruelly at Nocturnal’s orders, to be left to rot where they fell. They should be given rites.

I do not know how I will accomplish all this on my own, but I must take care of it. It is my duty.

[marveloussupernerd]

Ice Cream - Vanderwood

Uhm so... this idea started w this being abo seven. Then about Unknown. And then about Vandy. Just to clarify, I know lots of different pronouns are thrown around for Vanderwood, but I’m playing the safe route and going by he/him because that’s what the creators said 😀 no judgement if you hc otherwise though! Sorry this is probably gonna be OOC bc I have not played another story so my interactions w him have been slim to none

Summary: You were just kind of... depressed today. With the hacker at large, Seven and Mary Vanderwood III have been tasked with watching you through security cameras. Kinda rough when you won’t leave your room and there aren’t cameras in there. Vanderwood tries to cheer you up

PSA: this lowkey deals w mental health but not explicitly ? Inspired by me bc I get depressed~ esp when I am PMSing (which I am doing now) and genuinely can’t get out of bed and do things (ppl are iffy on mental health so just to say I have been diagnosed and was given birth control to help... which honestly has helped a lil). So I thought this would maybe help me and hopefully some of you, Jesus Christ I’ve prob lost so many of you w all these announcements

You just... couldn’t get out of bed. You had been stuck inside for a few days now, watched over by Seven and Mary Vanderwood III via security cams. But not getting to go outside and have human interaction kinda sucked. And then all your work was stressful too. You just didn’t want to move. And so you didn’t.

You got dressed though. That was a good start. Granted it was in something that could also be considered pajamas, but it felt nice to change your clothes. Felt productive. You went back into bed.

How long had you spent in bed, scrolling mindlessly through social media and watching stupid YouTube videos? You looked at the time; it was 1 pm. You were lucky you had today off, but had hoped to be more productive today. Oh well.

Your video was interrupted. A call from Seven. It was probably important.

“Hey Seven!” You picked up, bringing your voice to its typical cheery state. “What’s up?”

“Are you okay?” The voice on the other line asked. You jumped; it was deep, much deeper than Seven’s, and very serious.

“Are you using a voice modifier?” You giggled. It felt nice to talk to someone.

“Huh? Oh, no. This isn’t Seven.”

You paused for a minute, raising an eyebrow. Your voice caught in the back of your throat. “Are you... the hacker?”

“No!” The voice sounded urgent.

“Tom? Seven’s childhood friend?”

“I’m not fully convinced he exists.” The voice replied, an edge to the voice making it sound like a joke.

“Honestly? Me neither.” You paused, trying to think of who it could be. “I fold. Who are you? And how’d you get Seven’s phone!?”

“Giving up that easily?” The voice was teasing you now. “I thought you’d do more than two guesses.” You huffed out a sigh, making sure your annoyance was heard. “Come on, who would have access to Seven’s phone?”

That literally made no sense though. “...Mary Vanderwood the III?”

“Is he calling me that to you too now?” The voice asked, clearly annoyed. “My name is not Mary Vanderwood the III, and I’m not Seven’s maid. I just go by Vanderwood.”

“Hi Vanderwood,” you greeted. “You’re... a dude?”

“Yes.” He sounded annoyed still. “I don’t know why he’s said all this stuff.”

You giggled. “Well, back to the beginning of the conversation. Why’d you ask if I was okay? Is anything suspicious happening?”

“You just... you haven’t left your bedroom yet.”

“Oh” was all you could say.

“Oh? Are you okay?”

“Yeah of course!” You figured you might as well explain yourself. “It’s just, uhm, I haven’t really wanted to get out of bed and be productive. Sort of a mental block.”

“Oh,” his voice was much more understanding now. “That sucks.”

“Yeah... I think it’s because I haven’t interacted with people in a while. Just kinda holed up in the apartment. Hard to stay motivated.” Why were you telling him all this? He just wanted to know if you were okay. He wasn’t your therapist. “Oops! Uhm, sorry. Didn’t mean to unload that all.”

“You’re okay. I’m... sorry to hear that.”

“I’ve dealt with it before so like... it’s fine. It’ll pass. There are way more pressing matters right now,” you brushed it off, shrugging even though you knew he couldn’t see you.

“Do you-“ he coughed. “Do you like ice cream?”

“Yes?” What a change of topic. “Who doesn’t?”

“Well, if you want something to do, do you wanna get ice cream? If you’re feeling up for it.” He sounded almost awkward. It was kind of sweet.

But still, more pressing issues at hand. “I don’t know if I should with the hacker and everything. Everyone has security but me and so I-“

“I work with Seven. I think I can protect you.”

“Think?” You teased.

“You know that’s not how I meant it. I know I could protect you if need be. If you don’t want to though that’s okay.”

“No!” You shouted. You covered your mouth immediately, embarrassed from your outburst. “No. I think that’d be really nice.”

“I can pick you up outside the apartment in like ten minutes? You don’t have to worry about getting dressed up nice or anything...”

This was all so sudden. “Oh, I guess you do know the address, huh.” You were more saying it to yourself than him. “Wait! What do you look like? So that I don’t get picked up by the hacker or anything.”

“Uh...” he seemed so confident, but very uncomfortable describing himself. “I’ve got brown hair. Kinda long? It goes down to my shoulders. You know what? The lining of my jacket is leopard print. That should help.”

You were silent. Leopard print?

“Don’t make fun of it.” You could hear the scowl in his voice. “Ten minutes. See you then.” He hung up before you could say goodbye.

He did say not to look nice. Which made sense, in retrospect, because he had seen you for the past few days lounging at home. There was no need to try to impress; he already knew how you looked on the norm.

So you grabbed a jacket, your phone, and your wallet (with pepper spray attached to it for good measure), and headed out.

You kind of felt like a hooker, standing out at the curb waiting for a car to drive up and get you. But, you pushed those thoughts out of your mind. You were getting real human interaction today thanks to Vanderwood.

He pulled up in a very standard car, definitely not one of Seven’s babes. He rolled down the window and called your name.

“Wait! Show me the lining of your jacket!” You requested. It felt ridiculous but it was important. You laughed nonetheless, as did he. He pulled the jacket up, showing the intricate pattern. You grinned and got in the car.

“Hi. Nice to meet you in person,” you started, looking over at him. He kept the window down as he drove, the sound from the car loud and the wind blowing through his hair.

“You too,” he shouted, trying to talk over the wind. “Nice day out, huh?”

You leaned your head slightly out the window, the cool breeze a nice offset to the warmth of the sun beating down on you. “Mhm,” you hummed.

Luckily the ice cream shop was only a few minutes away. Good thing too; you weren’t sure what to talk about. You benefited from the fact that most of your words were carried away with the wind; the conversation starters had sucked anyway. You just focused on his surprisingly good driving and the feeling of the sun.

He got out of the car and you quickly followed. He didn’t wait for you, just kept walking to the order window. You scrambled to catch up. “So what’s your favorite?” He asked, sensing you by his side without even having to look.

“Oh, uhm, I’ll have cookie dough. Always a solid choice. How about you?”

He turned to you, a smile on his face that contrasted frankly with the harsh lines of his features. “Dark chocolate raspberry.”

“I can’t tell if I’m surprised or if I expected that.” You let out a little ‘hm’ and shrugged your shoulders. He went up and ordered for the both of you.

“Oh, uh,” you reached into your wallet, but he brushed you off.

“Relax. I can pay for a $3 ice cream cone.”

Your eyes widened. You hadn’t realized that may insult him. “Oh! Uh, that’s not what I meant to insinuate. I’m sorry.”

He glanced over with that smile of his, brown eyes lighting up. Why did it make your heart flutter? You had literally just met the guy. You were such a goddamn simp.

He grabbed the ice creams and handed you yours, his gloved fingers brushing against your bare ones. It wasn’t even skin-to-skin contact! Why did you feel this way from something so small? You wanted to die right then and there. He suggested you eat in the car to maintain a low profile and you nodded, not trusting your own voice.

Were you supposed to talk? Or eat your ice cream? Or both? Your mind chose for you, as words stumbled out of your lips before you could even stop them. “So is Vanderwood your real name?” Idiot. Of course it isn’t!

“God no.” He sounded hard about it. It was hard to take him seriously while he was licking an ice cream cone like that. You tried to hide your laughter. “No, don’t laugh.” His voice wasn’t hard this time. He was almost begging you to go easy on him.

“No I’m sorry! I wasn’t laughing at your name. It’s just... it’s kind of funny when you sound all mad and annoyed but you look so cute eating your ice cream.” No!!!!! Did you just call him cute? This was going AWFUL. You should have stayed home.

“Well, you can make fun of my name. I obviously didn’t pick it. It’s stupid.” Maybe he hadn’t heard the last part of what you said, considering he didn’t bring it up? But why was he blushing?

“It’s not that bad. You could be named Mary Vanderwood the III,” you teased. He rolled his eyes. “Can I give you a nickname? Maybe make it less insufferable?”

“What, you think we’re going to be talking all the time now?” He had a point. Why did you... do any of this? It was so embarrassing. You stared at your ice cream, praying you didn’t blush or shake your leg or do anything to show how much you felt like an idiot. He nudged you, causing you to glance up at him, and he smiled. “I’d love a nickname.”

“Wood.”

“Ha ha,” he laughed sarcastically.

“V! Oh wait... we can’t do that.” Poor V. You had almost regifted his name. “Vandy!”

“Vandy?” He questioned, trying out the name. “I’m not seeing it.”

“I am. Vandy. That’s the one”

“It’s too...cute.” His cheeks flushed red again. He pushed some of his hair out of his eyes. “I’m not letting you call me that.”

“You don’t get to pick your own nickname,” you stuck your tongue out at him. “I think it’s very fitting. It’s cute, you’re cute...” why were you doing this to yourself? You must have hated yourself.

“You’ve said that twice now. That I’m cute,” he mentioned causally, biting down on his cone, the rest of the ice cream gone.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s probably just my toxic masculinity.” It sounded like a joke but he also sounded serious? There were so many mysteries surrounding him.

“Well, if it helps. I think you’re quite handsome too. But that’s a lot of syllables to get my point across.” You were a bit more confident this time. If he was genuinely worried about his image, why wouldn’t you help reassure him.

“Uh, thanks.” He pushed back his hair, pausing midway. “I’m sorry, I’m really bad with gratitude. I genuinely appreciate it, especially coming from you.”

“Well it’s not like I’m lying,” you shrugged. You had finished your ice cream. “Uhm... maybe we should get back. Who knows what Seven’s been up to since you’ve been gone.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.”

The drive back was just as silent as the drive there, the both of you enjoying the sun and the wind again. He turned on the radio this time. It played 80s hits.

He parked in front of the building. “I hope that helped you feel a little better. I mean, I had fun,” he explained. You could tell he was forcing the words out, forcing himself to express some emotion.

“It helped a lot. For real. Thank you Vandy.” You touched his arm gently.

“Can I have your number?” He asked, a small smirk forming at the corner of his lips. “So that I don’t have to call you through Seven’s phone again,” he justified.

You smiled, nodding, wordlessly taking the phone from his hands and putting your number in. Why were your hands shaking? Was he genuinely interested in you? Or was he just a nice guy?

You handed the phone back. “Thank you again.” You smiled, opening the car door.

“Wait!” He exclaimed. You turned back towards him, leaving the car door open. “Can I... kiss you?”

You shut the car door again, nodding eagerly. He pressed himself against the center console to reach you, using one hand to balance himself and the other to brush the hair out of your eyes, cupping your cheek as he closed the distance between the two of you. Your eyes fluttered shut, focused on just how warm and soft his lips were. It was... really pleasant. He didn’t maintain the kiss for long, although you seemed to have lost your concept of time.

He pulled away, hand still on your cheek, smiling that smile again. “Thank you. I hope I made your day a little better. You certainly improved mine.”

Your fingers grazed his own, intertwining with his for a moment as you opened the car door with the other hand. “You did. I’ll look forward to seeing you again maybe?”

“For sure,” he was more flustered now. “Ah, I should probably make sure Seven hasn’t burned down the house. Have a good night.” He regained his composure, winking at you as you exited the car, and driving off, wind still blowing in his hair.

Vandy stans don’t drag me maybe he was OOC but also I wanna think he’s a little less confident in a romantic situation ? Idk. I hope you all liked it tho tyy

[peanutxparker]

A (very long) list of all of my favorite AJJ lyrics because why not

Candy Cigarettes and Cap Guns (2005)

“Well my great grand-dad he died of cancer, from smoking too many cigarettes. But I must confess that he did quite profess to being the coolest motherfucker I ever met.”

“And cocaine is essentially vegan and they don't give a fuck anyway.”

“And I can't help but miss him even though he hit me everyday.”

“So fuck white people! (fuck white people!)”

“Heaven is a special place in hell where you can watch the people you hate get hurt.”

“You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming ‘cause I'm gonna take your life. You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming and I'm sad you won't be my wife.”

“What makes you think you can be so pretty? And what makes you think you can be so great? And what makes you think you can be so intelligent? And what makes you think you can be so far away?”

“What makes you think you can be so wonderful? And what makes you think you can be so keen? And what makes me think I can be so hurtful? And what makes me think I can be so mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like a cigarette, I'm wrapped in paper and I'm suffocating to death.”

“I don't want to be a cigarette anymore. I'll go to hell in my self death all day and night, so please just put me out.”

People Who Can Eat People Are The Luckiest People In The World (2007)

“Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds. Rejoice because you’re trying your best”

“I'm afraid to leave the house. I'm as timid as a mouse. I'm afraid if I go out I'll outwear my welcome. I'm not a courageous man. I don't have any big lasting plans. I'm too cowardly to take a stand, I want to keep my nose clean. And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this and it's sad to know that there's no honest way out. In this life we lead, we could conquer everything if we could just get the brave to get out of bed in the morning.”

“And I give a thank-you to my father for not raising me, and I give a finger to my step-father for beating me, and I give props to myself for achieving, and god damn I’m glad that I survived, and god damn I’m surprised that I survived.”

“So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection of a coward you and I both hate very much and then I grabbed the knife and I let the blood out of your throat and I smashed those tiny mirrors inside of your skull.”

“If I don’t go to hell when I die I might go to heaven, might go to heaven. But probably not.”

“Just happy times and half assed rhymes and mimes because mimes are dears, but most of all I want no more tears.”

“No more racism. No more discrimination. No more fat dumb fucks keeping people out of our nation.”

“We’re all one big band across this land and we should sing in tune. Let us grow the balls to break the walls, we’ve got to do it soon.”

“And I hope our candles flicker and die so that our hearts don’t burn to the ground.”

“First we were babies, we're birthing and dying. Then we were children, we're playing and crying. And then we're teenagers and smoking and fucking. But now we're all grown up and we're sadly sighing.”

“And your manic depression, it comes and it goes. Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts and you're in fight or flight mode.”

“How's the world so small when the world is so large? And what made the world? Could I please speak to who's in charge? Everything is real but it's also just as fake. From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake.”

“I've tried to know which words to sing so many times. I tried to know which chord to play and I tried to make it rhyme. And I tried to find the key that all good songs are in. And I tried to find that notes to make that great, resounding din.”

“There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you.”

“I've got essays, I've got finals due. I have got lots and lots of problems.”

“Welcome to this world, have as much fun as you would like while helping others have as much fun as you're having. Be kind to those you love and be kind to those you don't but for God's sake you gotta be kind.”

Can’t Maintain (2009)

“I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat and float it in a lake. And with dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.”

“Sometimes I get so lonesome I can't breathe. Sometimes I get so scared that I can't speak. Sometimes I get so worried I can't hear my heartbeat. Anyway…”

“I wanna tear out my heart and give it away to a person more deserving one day. If all I see is the worst in everything that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get.”

“And people freak me out. People make me scared. People make me so damn self-aware.”

“I get bronchitis twice a year at least. My lungs aren't the way they should be. And I smoke more than a mother fuckin chimney. I declare war on my body.”

“You will cough up crows that peck my eyes and I will do nothing but go blind.”

“We could live there together or I'll live alone, less happy but I'll live... unfortunately.”

“And no one will know how I truly feel ‘cause I can no longer differentiate between what is fake and what is real. I don't know how I feel.”

“And I will always appreciate bad days like this because they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness.”

“If the bridge that I was driving over collapsed while I was driving over it that may not be such a bad thing. I would finally meet my maker, I could meet the great creator, and I'd punch him for teaching me how to sing.”

“Don't know if I believe in god but sometimes I pray because the way I was raised keeps me afraid.”

“I hope I can forgive me for having the nerve to exist. I hope someone can help me make some sense of this.”

“Sense and sensibility and peaceful productivity, a pretty girl with broken wings is all that I desire. But there's so much hostility in all the things surrounding me. The awful glow of enmity is trying to stop my shine. So I try to look inwardly at all the things inside of me but sodomy and buggery keep bubbling to the top.”

“I met you once over the phone, you sounded sad and you seemed alone. You left me but I never left you. I never had the chance to.”

“If you spend all your heart on something that has died you are not alive and that can't be your life.”

Knife Man (2011)

“There's no one to blame. People are just fucking mean.”

“So if I see a penny on the ground, I leave it alone or fucking flip it. I'm a straight white male in America. I've got all the luck I need.”

“I've got a pile of broken mirrors and I'm walking under ladders and I'll spill a ton of salt because to me that doesn't matter.”

“You were dead by the time that I had found you. Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed. So I carried you west to the sea so I could wash you. Your body felt just like a back pack.”

“I hate whiny, fucking songs like this but I can't afford a therapist. Sorry guys, here's a solo.”

“Some days I feel like I'm the weakest and others the strongest. These days are the longest and I've got the weirdest feeling about this and I wanna go away for a while.”

“I wish I had a bullet big enough to fucking kill the sun. I'm sick of songs about the summer.”

“When you have no one, you are no one. Like I said, I used to work at the people pound. All these no ones clumped together, just like a human lost and found. If they left them all be someones there wouldn't be enough to go around. It's better for us all us if there are no ones. And I knew a lot of no ones round that time. They used to all be someones until something took their life and all their someones disappeared while they're stuck there waiting in a line. And for them now, no one seems to have the time.”

“They say ambition is an enemy of weakness and greatness is an enemy of fame.When I pick up my guitar and I try to write a song, I think of what my mentor used to say… “Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song. Cus they'll keep your belly full and your wallet lined. Don't bother these nice people with your sad sack songs. If you ask me I think they're just a waste of time.””

“Inspiration is the best friend of my sorrow and sorrow is the best friend of my drink. Well I want to look myself in the eye tomorrow but I'm too worried of what other folk's will think.”

“And the troubles in my heart need to get let out. And the troubles in my heart need to escape. And I never liked writing poetry and I never liked doing pottery and God knows that I never learned to paint. So every now and then, I'll sing sad songs. Cus it keeps my spirit light and my conscience clean. And if you don't care to hear I don't mind if you go out for some air. Cus I'm happy that you're happier than me.”

“So I wish I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette but I wonder what a cigarette will really do to help that person out. I wish to God I had some spare change for every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change but there's not enough spare change in the world to make such an empty gesture count.”

“You can hope it gets better and you can follow your dreams but hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping.”

“You don't have it any better and you don't have it any worse. You're an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer and that’s a huge bummer.”

“I'm afraid of the way I live my life. I'm afraid of the way I don't. I'm afraid of the things that I want to do but I won't. I'm afraid of God. I'm afraid to believe and I'm afraid of all the loved ones that I've made leave. I'm afraid that my dog doesn't love me anymore. I'm afraid of the social laziness that let Kitty Genovese die. And I'm afraid of the mob mentality that makes otherwise normal people go blind. I'm afraid of the way that the world works and I'm afraid of the words in my notebooks. I'm afraid that you all know that I am a pervert.”

“It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else. I wish I were a little less of a coward but the big red bird that lives under the city doesn't give a damn about me and it dies every night. So I bought a knife. I am a knife.”

Rompilation (2012)

“I used to be a spiderman, I used to be a cowboy from hell, but not anymore. Now I'm just a clam and I live inside this shell inside this shell I am. God damn I hate my brain.”

“I'll dip my brain in medicine so that you can stand to be with me.”

“Give me your tired, give me your tired, give me your poor. When our government acts like this, I wonder what World War II was for and the rest of the country hates us more and more. Lady Liberty is not a whore.”

“This is not a protest, it's a tortoise slowly pushing through a race. I hope the tortoise keeps its patience while the hare continues to pepper-spray its face.”

“There is no enemy, there's only people that also love their families and they're scared that they won't have enough long after they are deceased. But how much money do they need? Love turns into fear, and fear turns into greed. There is no enemy, there's only dummies that also love their families.”

“And this is not a phase, it's just a matter of time, with diligence and peacefulness, you will reach them and you will change their minds. If you stay there long enough, they'll start to see you.”

“And when you pushed my face in shit how could that have made you feel like a man or like a monster. It's your fault that I can't tell the difference.”

“In the evening I try songwriting. I'm self loathing, but I love singing. I'll try escaping these evil feelings but they keep coming, they keep coming…”

“So the baby's gonna have a daddy, that's wonderful news. He won't be the greatest parent but neither will you! Gotta get out while you can, otherwise you're screwed. Your legs are broken and your eyes are black and blue.”

“And smoking is like hiring a hitman for five dollars a day, and as cool as that is, I don't wanna keep dying this way.”

Christmas Island (2014)

“Shoot him again ‘cause I can see his soul dancing.”

“If you give it to me I’ll give it back much harder. If you treat me like a son, then I’ll treat you like a daughter. Everyone has a future, everyone has a soul, everyone has a heart, they have a mind, they have control.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he has something the prove because he does. He sleeps a couple hours in the morning, hates the morning when he wakes up.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he wants to make a friend, but he does not.”

“Getting naked and playing with guns. There's a gerbil in the microwave, a baseball bat in everyone. Sharing kisses and building a bomb. We'll set it off like Microsoft in '94.”

“McDonald's PlayPlace before the Xbox, cake frosting, sweet talking, bedroom wall, covered in knives, touching God, burning shit. We'll make a wish and take a trip to Future Town like our daddy did.”

“Have you ever wanted to be, have you ever wanted to see someone better in the mirror? Have you ever wanted to go, have you ever wanted to know somewhere greener, somewhere cleaner. I bet you got something beautiful in mind.”

“I can’t handle astounding works of beauty. I think I like my pretty pretty ugly but the beautiful soul I witnessed in that movie was an entirely different kind of overwhelming. It was a dog that won’t stop barking. Like a cut that never stops bleeding. Arizona sunsets in the early evening. Or a grown man inconsolably weeping.”

“I am the Kool-Aid stains on the mouth of a kid whose name is most likely Cody. He had a juice box for breakfast and he carries a stick that he most likely found in the alley. Cody doesn't have friends and his parents hate each other and he wants to find a better way to love his family and after school he hangs out in the abandoned house behind the Arby's.”

The Bible 2 (2016)

“Oh, I love you cause I love you cause I can.”

“On your last night at Saint Mary's you were way too intoxicated to breathe. So I used your ribs as ladders and I climbed up on your chest and I jumped up and down just like a trampoline.”

“Confused and rude. Such a special kind of way to be cruel.”

“If I were one of the things, I'd be american garbage. The most beautiful thing. The most beautiful american garbage you have ever seen.”

“No more shame, no more fear, no more dread.”

“And if you don't want to feel the feeling, no one should ever make you feel the feeling.”

“I thought I saw you before I knew who you were.”

“I just wanted to rage but all I got was tired”

“I showed him all the books that I was raised on. Your Madeleine L'Engle(s) and D'Aulaires' Mythologies.”

“And his eyes became a beacon, an LCD projector, broadcasting all my memories in a clear and vivid picture. His tongue became a staircase, his uvula - The knocker of an ornate wooden door that lead me straight into my future. His throat became a hallway with a thousand baby pictures and I became forgiveness, I transformed into the closure that I lost when I learned about the tragedy of all of us. I lost it when I learned about the tragedy of all of us.”

Good Luck Everybody (2019)

“If you don't give it to them they'll starve to death and that's alright.”

“I've got the normalization blues, this isn't normal, this isn't good.”

“I'm detached and I'm distracted, all keyed up but unproductive, vacillating between being all excited and disgusted and then dozing lackadaisically in this bubble where I've made my mental home. Connection's more important now than it ever was, but I'd rather be alone.”

“And when we talk about the president, we're either pissed off or we're giggling about an atrocity he's committing or some stupid shit he's tweeting. He's a symptom and a weapon of the evil men who really run the show. The ones who melt down human beings into money like a cruel Sorcerer's Stone.”

“This is the golden age of dickotry, probably the last golden age of anything, and the ugliest word in the English language is anthropocene. Good luck, everybody. Good luck.”

“But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world. Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert.”

“I'm sorry that you have to have a body, filled with infection, one hundred scabs singing in unison, eyes and hands, sometimes bullets, uninvited, passing through us.”

“Oh to be awake for such a shitty dream. A bullet in the head of every decent thing.”

“The lake of dead black children that America created is getting fuller than the founding Fathers even wanted. The ghost of great America was underestimated and now it rages like a cold sore on the lip of this dumb nation. Again we've slipped inside a pit of absolute despair. That's where we live.”

“Rewarding our worst cruelty, they destroyed our shared reality, and now they upsell us our dignity like some fucked VIP package.”

“There is no absolute, these days there's no such thing as truth and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“I'm a burnout and a fool, oblivious to all I do. I move my lips when I read and breathe with my mouth open, wide open. Timid, meek, and cruel, this is the best that I can do. I need to speak my truth, yet here I'm broken wide, wide open. My resentment, big and strong, and all the things that I can't change. They'll buckle me beneath the weight. I will drive myself insane with all the things that I can't change. I hate all the things that I can't change.”

“You're a loudmouth and a tool, and as it turns out I am too, and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“Because I know that you know what I need more than me and I know that you need me more than that.”

“For all the pussies you grab and the children you lock up in prison, for all the rights you roll back and your constant stream of racism, for all the poison you drip in my ear, for all your ugly American fear. I wrote you this beautiful song called Psychic Warfare.”

“I hate you with all of my heart. I hate you with all of my art.”

“I went back to the desert, little Midwest in me, and now I am colder than I used to be. I live in a fortress the shape of my body, and now there's a coldness, and it's shaped like me. Now I don't suffer any more bullshit gladly. Even though everything's bullshit now, here in 2019 and you can bet it's gonna be a bunch of bullshit too out in sweet 2020 or whenever this album's released.”

[starlightshoals]

The Weeknd - After Hours [Album Review]

1 - Alone Again: Swimming in a deep red sea of yearning and heartache, this song is the perfect way to kick off the album. It plays like a mood, a feeling; it’s a confirmation that in the time since My Dear Melancholy, whatever hope was found, whatever lessons were learned, they’ve been lost in that ocean of new mistakes. The second half intensifies and darkens and leads the listener down the dark corridor the rest of the album will follow. Favorite Lyric: “Take off my disguise, I’m living someone else’s life, suppressing who I was inside...” 9/10, Excellent

2 - Too Late: So yeah, the production in this album is god-tier, and this track goes hard in that vein. I love the distortion on Abel’s voice in the chorus, the tempo, the vibe. There are so many segments and details that could fly over your head the first time -- this song is fucking layered. The more you listen, the more it slaps. Like every other track on the album, it’s about mistakes made that push the person you love away, but it’s not some whiny self-pity party, it’s a grim acknowledgment of how you feel and how it’s all your fault. Favorite Lyric: “When the darkness comes, you’re my light.” 10/10, Outstanding

3 - Hardest to Love: There’s a fragility to this track that’s rare in Abel’s music, and I admire that so much. It’s about admitting how difficult you’ve been and wondering why the person you love still wants you after all you’ve done. It strikes at that struggle inside where you want them to let you go because it’s best for them, but the reality of that makes you miserable and you don’t want them to forget you. I could say this about almost any track on the album, but I fucking love the 80s-style production here. Such glorious music for the soul. Favorite Lyric: “I can’t believe you want me, after all the heartbreaks, after all I’ve done, no I can’t believe you trust me, after all the rough days, you still call me up...” 9/10, Excellent

4 - Scared to Live: I gotta be honest, this song doesn’t do it for me like it does for most people. I still like it, and I love the lyrics, but stylistically it’s just a little too sappy for my tastes. I feel like this style (minus the fantastic production) is something I could hear a lot of other places, and that’s something I can’t say about most of Abel’s music. The lyrics, though! They send a lovely message of accepting your partner’s choice to leave you, gently telling them it’s okay to go on in life without you. It’s a truly gracious and grown-up thing to express. Favorite Lyric: “And if I held you back, at least I held you close” or maybe “You always miss the chance to fall for someone else, ‘cause your heart only knows me.” 8.5/10, Great

5 - Snowchild: Ooh yeah, here we go. In this song Abel reflects on his journey through the past decade. It’s a lowkey, moody, heart-in-your-throat track. It’s like walking through an empty city late at night, hands in your pockets, with an ache in your chest. It’s like leaving everything you had behind because it doesn’t matter anymore. You just want out. You just want something new. I can relate. Favorite Lyric: “She never need a man, she what a man need, so I keep falling for her daily...” 10/10, Outstanding

6 - Escape from LA: Maintaining the mood from Snowchild, this is a deep dark dive to the mind. It’s about being dead inside. It’s about being in love with someone you still have but will never have, you know what I mean? They’re in your life, but they’re not yours. And you have everything you could possibly ask for, but it’s still not enough. You’ve done everything you could possibly think of, but it doesn’t fill you up. You’re still running empty. It’s cold and it’s lonely and all that’s left is the voice inside, telling you it’s time to go. But you stay because you’re waiting. So you can be there if they come back. Favorite Lyric: “We’ll figure out our shit and find a way; when you say that you need space, I give you space.” 9.5/10, Amazing

7 - Heartless: I thought it was so funny when this song came out last year and everyone took it literally. This song isn’t about being some badass heartless jerk with no feelings, it’s about pretending to be that to cope with how broken you really are inside. It’s about embracing hedonism to hide the pain. The bridge really drives that home, where Abel sings about being lost and depressed and wondering why the fuck the person you’ve hurt and betrayed still cares enough to come back in your life. Despite all the boasting and bragging and the fast pace and tempo, this song is really the most miserable one on the album. Favorite Lyric: “I thought I lost you this time, you just came back in my life; you never gave up on me, I’ll never know what you see...” 9/10, Excellent 

8 - Faith: God, I love this song. There’s something transcendent about it. It takes you to the sky and leaves you standing in a storm. The pace it takes, the production around it, the lightning-quick smooth transitions from piece to piece, it knows exactly what it’s doing and it revels in it. It also has the unenviable task of connecting the tracks before it and after it, and dear lord does it ever. There aren’t many songs these days that truly tell a story, but this one does. Beginning to end, it takes you on a journey. Favorite Lyric: “Well, I feel everything, when I’m coming down is the most I feel alone...” 10/10, Outstanding

9 - Blinding Lights: I love this song to death, too. The synths, the words, the faint touch of hope. It’s uplifting in a way nothing else on the album is -- it’s about driving fast as you can in the middle of the night just to get to the person you love, praying you’ll get there in time. Ever since it came out last year, it’s helped me through a lot. When I’m sad, it helps me up. When I’m happy, it makes me smile. It might be the most perfect pop song Abel’s ever made. Favorite Lyric: “When I’m like this, you’re the one I trust.” 10/10, Outstanding

10 - In Your Eyes: This one knocked me flat. I wasn’t expecting another retro pop banger on the album, but uh, here it is. This one means a lot to me personally. It reflects a lot of feelings I’ve had over the years. There’s an acceptance in it, a sense of letting go and moving on while still being real about what stays, what matters. And it has a sax solo. Yeah. Favorite Lyric: “In your eyes you lie, but I don’t let it define you.” 10/10, Outstanding

11 - Save Your Tears: There’s something so...peaceful about this song. It reminds me of my dad and some of the 80s music he played when I was a kid. It has that nostalgic feel to it, you know? It’s different for Abel and I like it. At first I wasn’t sure what to think of it, but the more I listen the more I like it. Favorite Lyric: “You could’ve asked me why I broke your heart, you could’ve told me that you fell apart, but you walked past me like I wasn’t there, and just pretended like you didn’t care.” 9/10, Excellent

12 - Repeat After Me (Interlude): The vibe, the mood, the feel. This song goes deep and stays there. Like Alone Again, it’s like dipping into dark water and swimming a while, floating on a memory. Looking at old photos you probably should’ve deleted. Reading old messages from someone you should’ve blocked. It hurts, but it heals. Favorite Lyric: “You don’t love him if you’re thinking of me, you’re just fucking, it means nothing to me.” 9.5/10, Amazing

13 - After Hours: This one took us all by surprise, didn’t it? A six-minute track with a beat switch and enough atmosphere to make your jaw hit the floor. When it dropped it tipped everyone off that this album was going to be special. The song itself is so fluid, so smooth, displaying everything Abel’s learned since he began. It’s a masterpiece that perfectly sums up every theme on the album and then some. Favorite Lyric: All of it, but especially the chorus and the bridge. 10/10, Outstanding

14 - Until I Bleed Out: If Snowchild is like walking an empty city at night, this song is like stumbling out an alley as dawn hits the streets, blood running down your side. Bathed in that red light, begging to be let go. It’s the fitting book-end to where this album started, closing the chapter with nowhere left to go. It doesn’t leave with easy answers, it doesn’t tell you everything is fine. But it acknowledges a change. Favorite Lyric: “Well I don’t wanna touch the sky no more, I just wanna feel the ground when I’m coming down...And I don’t even wanna get high no more, I just want it out of my life...” 9/10, Excellent

Final Rating for the Album: 9.5/10, Amazing

[hiswordsarekisses]

I have a small testimony of how God has shown me the light in this verse. It’s been a long journey, and one that I can only attribute to Him showing me light. I prayed that He would always show me the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear - because what does it even matter if it’s not HIS truth?! Loving the truth saves us from deception. (2thess 2)

About 10 or so years ago I began having severe peripheral neuropathy in my feet from an injury to my lower back. The burning sensation - which feels like a severe sunburn - later spread up my legs to my thighs and in my hands. I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia at that time. Over the next 8 years I was put on every drug you can probably name trying to fix me. By the end of all those years I was on 2 different antidepressants, 3 very strong opiates and the max dose of a popular seizure medication and blood pressure medication as well - all of these at one time. In spite of all of that I was still experiencing a level of pain that is outside of my comprehension and with each medication it seemed to grow worse. It became so bad at night that I did not sleep for 3 days at a time sometimes, and once I passed out from sheer exhaustion I would only sleep for a few hours before the pain would wake me up and the cycle would begin over again.

It was 8 years of constantly analyzing what I ate last, and what I did last, and every detail of my life was consumed in trying to figure out what was causing it and how to make it stop. I was driving myself crazy, along with everyone around me.

Then my life took a drastic turn and I suddenly found myself without insurance or income and I quickly had to ween myself off of all those medications. Those were some rough times, but when I think of it - it wasn’t much different than the torment I had already been through!!! I was just trading torment for torment.

I started trying to eat healthy, cutting out a lot of sugar and things like that and the next few years were a lot like the ones before. There were never any answers or relief. Eventually I discovered a perfect combination of suppliments, vitamins, and herbal help that gave me way more relief than the pharmaceutical drugs ever even came close to, and those are still helping.

Over a period of 3 years I really began to heal. The 3rd year my concoction, along with eating better and figuring out which foods seemed to help and which ones flared me up, along with daily exercise and lots of fresh air and sunshine - and just so much joy that came from feeling so much better and enjoying the beauty of God’s creation, brought me to a new level of healing I never dreamed possible.

Then my life took another turn when I hurt my foot and stopped exercising. I became depressed and eating badly as well, and I ended up back on blood pressure medicine and an anxiety medication. I began to sleep a lot and stay inside, and even gained 1/2 the weight I had lost back again. Notice the pattern?

I was still keeping with my suppliment/herbal/vitamin regiment which kept me from spiraling completely, but then I was facing getting my act back together again to get off of these pharmaceutical drugs so that my body can heal itself again before I end up in as bad of shape as I began in.

See, over the years, every new drug brought with it damage and a need for another new drug. I have now learned that lesson with all my heart - so I was able to recognize what began happening when I allowed myself to start taking only these two medications again!

The results/consequences were almost immediate. It was even obviously spiritual. Pharmaceuticals have a spiritual side, just like God’s healing. Only it’s dark.

Then I came across this verse and it all came together. So I don’t care what kind of illness comes on me, I’m actually afraid to ever put another pharmaceutical product in my body again. They all come with consequences, even if they are only mild ones. And the mild ones will never remain mild. They bypass your God given system, which was actually created to run in a certain and particular way. So when we start interring by eating wrong, not taking care of ourselves, putting chemicals in, etc., bad things happen.

Sometimes we get to a point where those bad things get so bad that we get desperate and grab for any relief we can get. But truly the only thing we can do is repent, and ask God to undo what we have done and ask Him to lead us in such a way that we can heal and remove all of this from our body and spirit.

That healing will look different for different people. Some of us can jump cold Turkey from pharmaceuticals and bad eating to an all natural and healthy life - when some of us may be led in a more round about way of gradually getting there - but He has a perfect plan that we can all trust Him with. Some things need medical attention for some people in some circumstances, and if we ask God to lead us in the best way - and ask Him to protect us from deception - He will. He gave us His Word to protect us, but when we have not listened and we end up in a mess, He is still loving us and waiting to show us the way that He intended.

In the book of revelations God is warning us about pharmaceuticals when He is speaking about Babylon and those who took part in her sorcery (Rev 18:23), which is where my eyes first began to be opened. I began to pray about that verse because the word that “sorcery” comes from is the same word as pharmaceutical. I personally cannot say whether this means that taking medication is a sin - that is between each individual and God and not for me to judge. All I know is that for Him to bring me this far, to turn back now - for me it would be. It would be sin for me to turn back because He has given me light on it. (Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James‬ ‭4:17‬)

So I’m going to continue going in the opposite direction of man-made solutions and chemicals with God’s help forevermore. Amen.

I am sharing this in hopes that it we’ll help someone - even one person - to avoid the pain and suffering I have endured.

[shimzus-a3]

@kainan​ asked — willow + violet + goldenrod + hibiscus + hollyhock. last but not least [insertflowername]: do it [redacted] ?

willow :   how does your muse handle sadness   &   depression ?

once upon a time i wrote a headcanon about how shimizu handles stress , and i think a lot of the same coping mechanisms she uses to handle moments of overwhelming pressure apply regardless of if that pressure is stress / sadness / depression. i note that shimizu is the type of person who likes having some semblance of control around her surroundings , because she thrives in routine / order / security. that means for abstract stressors or emotional pressures , it’s harder for her to find something to lock into securely. usually , to cope , she finds something tangible that she can anchor herself to. in japan , the idea of ‘ seiso ’ ( 5s system ) is taught to young children as a way of keeping their surroundings clean and functional. it’s the reason why schoolchildren are made to clean their own classrooms at the end of the day , and is used to justify productivity as a direct result of a clean workspace. shimizu tends to follow seiso in times of stress by cleaning her room / cleaning her house to transfer her thoughts from abstract emotional focuses to more tangible , physical focuses. 

i also noted in that headcanon that if she’s stressed , she’s unlikely to share it with others. shimizu is deft at side-stepping or brushing away other’s concerns , or even down-playing them ( in the way she does in a hq extra when takeda finds her sick and tells her to go home , but she assures him she’s fine and can continue helping the team ). she’s highly reluctant to talk about her feelings even if prompted to by a close friend , so working through stress / sadness / depression is much like an inner battle than one she’s likely to work through with a friend. 

she probably broods and is much quieter than usual , and excuses herself from spaces earlier than the majority so she has time to herself. she doesn’t cry very often , but if the cause of her sadness / depression was powerful enough then she might as a cathartic release. but mostly , i think her focusing on cleaning / doing tangible tasks is what helps her redirect her focus into something productive and grounding.

violet :   how does your muse respond to betrayal ?

it really depends. at first , i want to say that she doesn’t respond to it well. much like semi , one of her major character flaws is that she’s quick to judge people and to form opinions of them immediately. but she’s also more lenient than him when it comes to adapting her opinions of people. for example , she disliked tsukishima and kageyama at first— tsukishima because he really seemed to disregard everyone else’s efforts on the team and was very unsportsmanlike , and kageyama because he too was unsportsmanlike at first and treated others poorly. however , the longer they were on the team , the better shimizu began to think of them. they became teammates rather than new , troublesome first years , and she started to overlook their rocky start. so while she’s quick to judge , under the right circumstances she can learn to rewrite those judgments. 

when it comes to betrayal , she’s probably much the same way , but a bit more critical. despite how cold she can come across as , she has more empathy with close friends than one might assume , and if the betrayal is due to that friend being in a hard spot , then she might understand. of course , it would take her a long time to work through her own thoughts and come to an acceptance of any apology , but it’s not as if she’d never get there. more than anything— and as unfair as it is— because shimizu is quite judgmental at first , the betrayal would sting immediately and the empathy would take forever to work through. it would probably fall upon the ‘ traitor ’ to come forth to shimizu with an explanation and apology. she can’t read minds and won’t know what the person was thinking , and she’s not confident enough in her own ability to understand others , so it really needs to come straight from the mouth of the other person for her to begin her process of acceptance.

goldenrod :   does your muse believe in luck or fortune ?  why or why not ?   where do they believe these things come from ?  

not really , no. her family follows a mix of shintō and buddhist traditions , because while her maternal family is shintōist her father is buddhist. but they’re not necessarily a religious family , and shimizu isn’t pressed to say that she believes in the gods. in fact , when the third years go to the shrine for new years and they pray to the gods for success , shimizu cuts them down by saying the gods won’t help them win. in this little headcanon here i talked a lot about how shimizu addressed her surroundings at face value , and that her success in track and field wasn’t really tied to anything otherworldly. rather , she only focused on the things she could see / touch / hear. to me , this means that she’s more of a realist than an optimist who looks towards luck or fortune. you can’t count on those types of things to consistently help you , which means that they probably don’t really exist. instead , we have to take in the things around us that we can see and feel and rely on those. and overall , shimizu’s concerns are not with luck and fortune but on seeing challenges and tackling them with as much effort as possible , not about winning or losing. 

hibiscus :   how does your muse view the gentler ,   daintier things in life ?   as things worth preserving   &   caring for ,   or things only bound to wither   &   disappear ?  

she’s not a romantic and she’s not a pessimist , either , so shimizu probably ranks somewhere between these things. there are simple things she really appreciates in life , and in many of my threads i focus on those things because shimizu doesn’t talk / express her thoughts outwardly , but her appreciation for small insignificant details is a persisting feeling. she’s not pressed to want to protect them or to feel disappointed when they disappear ; there’s always a balance , and when one disappears she probably finds something else to appreciate. for example , she likes her family’s garden outside their teahouse because it’s beautiful and peaceful , but when she moves out into a home of her own she probably finds things that she likes about that space , too.

in japanese there’s a difficult-to-describe term called wabi-sabi , which is essentially like finding beauty in small , imperfect , fleeting things. it’s why tea house flower displays are asymmetrical and the style of japanese pottery that highlights cracks with gold glaze is so popular. shimizu appreciates wabi-sabi in life but doesn’t put too much emphasis onto it. but things like an ugly cat or mismatched socks are peaceful sometimes , and shimizu has no problem ( in all her silence ) pausing to give them a brief thought and a feeling of pleasant satisfaction.

hollyhock :   how strong is your muse’s sense of ambition ?  what’s something they strive for in life ? 

compared to her team , who she watches grow in ambition , shimizu is not very ambitious. she’s the type of person who goes with the flow and accepts where life takes her , even if it’s not somewhere particularly glamorous. during track and field , she thinks about how it would be nice to succeed , but she knows her own limits and doesn’t feel ambitious to be the best despite her lack of innate talent. 

at her core , i think shimizu is just looking for a comfortable life where she’s able to find things that bring her joy. she doesn’t care so much about money or fame , but maybe being able to settle down with someone and to pass the days feeling comfortable and loved would be nice. 

that being said , she has a great respect for people who are ambitious and work towards their goals. that’s insanely attractive to her and she finds that those types of people , if humble and hard-working , make the best / most outstanding types of citizens. 

insertflowername :   do it [redacted] ?

yes. under the right circumstances it does.

botanical headcanons ,