#questions and thoughts are encouraged!/nf

[dr3am-b3an]

Chat has spoken! Introducing my newest blorbo; Hue!

Hue’s an interesting lil fella who is in control of the color wheel, allowing them to alter and change their color and form in whatever way they please.

They can pose as someone we know or as an entirely different person, as well as blend into their environment. Their hands double as a color picker for when they need to make a quick change.

🌈Alternate Ref + Lore Dump below 🌈

Hue was once a regular created stick. At least they think they were? Their memories of the past are nothing but a blur, all they remember was the pain of their code slowly breaking apart and their will to stay alive. They survived being deleted but they don’t seem to recall how or why. Who they were and what they looked like before was also lost and forgotten. And yet they’re surprisingly chipper despite the horrors they faced when they were young. They don’t think about their life before nor do they care for it, they don’t wish to know what happened.

Surviving deletion didn’t come without any severe effects however, their code has been permanently damaged and mangled beyond repair. Their body could not longer retain a proper form and was incredibly unstable, switching from one form to the next uncontrollably n becoming a glitchy mess. It was so bad that anything or anyone who touched them would become a temporarily glitchy mess.

Merging with the color wheel allowed them to retain a stable body of their choosing and kept their code somewhat stable. Hue can alter their color as well as their body type as a whole, and can go as far as to pose as an existing person. Due to not remembering who they were before, their form is constantly changing as they don’t know who they were or what they looked like in the past. They used to frequent grey but since being on the run, their form is constantly switching and is never the same to avoid getting caught.

How they came across and merged with the wheel is nothing short of a mystery. Those kinds of appliances aren’t accessible to sticks but regular means. If asked however, Hue will claim that it was a gift. But from who exactly?

The public are unaware of what their intentions are but they’re after the Chosen One, to prove themselves they’d say. But to who?

Rocket Corps is desperately seeking any clues on their whereabouts and urges citizens to be on the look out.

But how can you look out for someone who can be anyone at anytime?

[shadow-redferne]

I was gonna wait for the poll to close to share this, but I think I've gotten enough results on that one to move on. I've chosen to make this into a full-on survey because I don't wanna spam this blog with polls lmfao. I also included the poll question in case anyone who answered wrong the first time can change that. Once again, you don't have to be associated with either side (or even identify as 'neutralship') to take this. This is an open discussion.

Additionally, I encourage yall to reblog so others can answer too!/nf

Once again, please be civil in the reblogs. Also, rude/inflammatory answers on the final question will not be counted.

[miorrtae]

NEWS FLASH ᥫ᭡ TAEYEON SMAU

NF 16

previous | masterlist | next

Y/N had been debating going live for hours, sitting alone in the cozy studio office SM had provided for her and the other members of Noémie. It was the day after the concert, and her phone hadn’t stopped buzzing with notifications—tweets, Instagram tags, and clips of last night’s performance circulating like wildfire. The fans had been electric, their energy fueling her through every second of the stage, and she couldn’t help but want to share that gratitude with them.

The room itself was warm and inviting, decorated with little touches from all the time she spent there. The faint smell of vanilla lingered from a candle she had burned earlier, and a plush blanket was draped over the small couch in the corner. On the wall behind her desk were framed photos from Noémie’s past performances, awards, and even a doodled poster from their trainee days.

Y/N adjusted the phone on her tripod, angling it just right before hitting the “go live” button. As soon as she greeted the fans, the comments started pouring in.

“Y/N! WE LOVE YOU!”

“THE CONCERT LAST NIGHT WAS PERFECT!”

“PLEASE TELL US HOW YOU’RE DOING!”

She smiled, her eyes crinkling as she leaned closer to the screen. “Hey, everyone! I missed you guys too. I thought I’d hop on for a bit since it’s been so busy lately. You all were so incredible last night; I don’t even have words for it. Thank you for being there and for all the love you’ve been sending today.”

The fans flooded her with questions about the setlist, the outfits, and how the group celebrated after the show. Y/N answered each one, her voice light and cheerful, though every so often, she’d pause to think about her answers.

“What was my favorite part of the concert?” she repeated, reading a comment. “Definitely the encore. Hearing you all sing back to us… it was magical. It’s one of those moments that stays with you, you know?”

Her gaze softened as she spoke, her sincerity shining through. She could tell her fans appreciated these little moments, the way they felt like they were sitting across from her in the studio, just talking.

Then, as the comments began to shift, one caught her eye: “What about Taeyeon? She was at the concert, right?”

Her cheeks warmed, but she played it off with a soft laugh. “You guys don’t miss a thing, do you? Yeah, Taeyeon sunbae-nim was there. She’s always so supportive. I think we all felt really encouraged knowing she was watching.”

Just as she was about to move on to another question, the studio door suddenly opened. Y/N froze mid-sentence, her eyes darting toward the sound. Before she could say anything, Taeyeon walked in, her presence immediately filling the room with a calm yet undeniable energy.

“Unnie?” Y/N asked, her voice surprised but soft.

Taeyeon didn’t respond right away. Instead, she crossed the room effortlessly, dressed casually in an oversized hoodie and joggers, her hair loosely tied back. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around Y/N, pulling her into an embrace that felt far too intimate for the circumstances.

Y/N hesitated only for a second before melting into the hug, her arms slipping around Taeyeon’s waist. Her head rested on Taeyeon’s shoulder, and her smile widened, hidden in the fabric of Taeyeon’s hoodie. She closed her eyes briefly, letting the warmth of the moment settle over her. The weight of Taeyeon’s touch on her back and the faint scent of her perfume were grounding, as if nothing else in the world mattered but this quiet connection between them.

The fans, however, noticed everything. The chat erupted with chaos:

“WHO JUST WALKED IN???”

“IS THAT TAEYEON????”

“WHAT IS THIS HUG OMG.”

It wasn’t until Y/N opened her eyes and spotted the comments that reality came crashing back. Gently pulling away, though Taeyeon’s hands lingered on her arms, she cleared her throat, her face flushed.

“Unnie,” she whispered, tilting her head toward the phone. “I’m live right now.”

Taeyeon blinked, her brows raising slightly as she turned to look at the phone. Her lips curled into a sheepish smile. “Ah,” she murmured, her tone amused. “I didn’t know.”

Y/N bit back a laugh, quickly muting the live and turning off the camera. “You really just barged in like that, huh? Hugging me like—” she paused, her voice lowering—“like we’re not live with thousands of people watching.”

Taeyeon shrugged, entirely unbothered. “What can I say? I missed you.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, but her heart skipped at the casual admission. “Lucky for you, they adore you already. Otherwise, I’d be in trouble for letting you crash.”

When she turned the camera back on, she smiled brightly at her audience. “Okay, okay, everyone. Yes, it’s Taeyeon unnie. She’s here. No, this wasn’t planned. Please calm down.”

Taeyeon leaned into the frame, resting her chin on Y/N’s shoulder like it was the most natural thing in the world. “Hi, everyone,” she greeted casually, waving a hand. “I promise I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

The fans, of course, went wild:

“TAEYEON UNNIE WE LOVE YOU!”

“THEY’RE SO COMFORTABLE TOGETHER OMG.”

“WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO INTIMATE.”

Y/N couldn’t help but smile as she saw the fans’ reactions flood the screen. The warmth of Taeyeon’s presence, even as casual as it was, felt so comforting. The comments were all but confirming what she was already feeling—the ease between them was undeniable. She adjusted her posture, leaning slightly into Taeyeon, and grinned at the phone.

“Alright, alright,” Y/N chuckled, still trying to control the flutter in her chest. “You’re all freaking out, huh? But yes, this is Taeyeon unnie. She’s here to say hi, I guess.”

Taeyeon, not phased by the whirlwind of comments, winked playfully at the camera. “Hi, everyone. Sorry for the unplanned cameo. I didn’t mean to interrupt her livestream,” she said, the mischievous glint in her eyes making it clear she was far from apologetic.

Y/N’s laugh bubbled out, her hands gesturing toward the screen. “You know, you’ve really got them worked up.” She nudged Taeyeon’s arm with her elbow, feeling the familiar warmth of her presence again. Even though they weren’t speaking much, the stillness between them was comforting, a shared understanding that neither of them felt the need to explain. It was just how things were.

The comments didn’t stop. They were all over the place, a mix of affection and playful teasing.

“TAEYEON LOOKS SO COMFORTABLE WITH Y/N!!!”

“I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.”

“IS IT JUST ME OR DO THEY HAVE A SPECIAL VIBE GOING ON?”

“WHEN DID THIS TURN INTO A COUPLE STREAM?!”

Y/N rolled her eyes but couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. “You guys really don’t miss a thing, do you? It’s not like that, I swear.” She turned to Taeyeon, her voice lowering, “Right?”

Taeyeon’s face softened with a quiet smirk, her eyes meeting Y/N’s with an intensity that was just a little more than casual. “Of course,” she said, but there was an almost imperceptible pause before she added, “It’s not like that at all.”

Y/N bit her lip, trying to ignore the little pang of uncertainty that flashed through her chest. She had always been so sure of their relationship—close, easy, uncomplicated—but now, in this moment, with the warmth of Taeyeon beside her and the fans’ playful comments echoing in the background, it felt like something more was slowly beginning to surface. The air between them, thick with quiet tension, made her wonder if maybe there was more to it than just comfort.

She shook the thought off, refocusing on the live. “Alright, let’s see what you guys are saying, huh?” She looked down at the phone, her fingers scrolling through the messages. “Okay, this one’s cute—‘Who’s more likely to steal the other’s snacks, Taeyeon or Y/N?’”

Taeyeon immediately chimed in, grinning. “Y/N, hands down. She’ll steal my chips without even blinking.”

Y/N laughed, nodding. “Guilty as charged. I have no shame about it.”

“THEY’RE SO IN SYNC OMG.”

“ARE THEY REALLY JUST FRIENDS?!”

“I CAN FEEL THE CHEMISTRY.”

Taeyeon chuckled softly, her hand instinctively brushing against Y/N’s back as she leaned in a little closer to the camera. It was a small gesture, but it made Y/N’s heart beat a little faster. The warmth of Taeyeon’s touch lingered there, and for a moment, the world outside their little bubble seemed to blur.

Taeyeon leaned back just a bit, her hand still resting gently on Y/N’s back. She casually nudged her with her elbow, and Y/N smiled softly, that familiar spark in her chest settling into something deeper. It wasn’t anything grand or dramatic—it was just them, sitting in the quiet space between words, the soft hum of the livestream and the gentle beat of each other’s presence filling the silence.

Y/N glanced at the camera again, scanning through the comments with a smile that didn’t quite leave her lips. She felt the fans’ energy through the screen, their love and excitement palpable, but she didn’t feel the need to respond to every single one. Instead, her attention drifted back to Taeyeon, who was quietly observing the chaos of the chat, her expression soft and unbothered.

Y/N shifted a little, letting herself lean into Taeyeon’s shoulder, and Taeyeon, almost instinctively, adjusted herself to make space for Y/N to settle comfortably. The move was simple, but it spoke volumes. No words were needed for either of them to know what the other wanted in that moment—just this, just the quiet comfort of being together.

“Did you see this one?” Y/N asked, holding up her phone to show Taeyeon a comment. “‘Who’s the better cook?’”

Taeyeon gave her a playful side-eye, her lips quirking up in a teasing smile. “Me, obviously,” she said, raising an eyebrow as she leaned in just slightly closer.

Y/N let out a soft laugh. “Really? I’m pretty sure you burned the toast last time.”

“Details, details,” Taeyeon replied with a shrug, not at all phased. “I’m a professional.”

“Mm-hmm,” Y/N hummed, but the smile tugging at the corners of her lips betrayed her playful challenge. “We’ll see.”

The room fell into a companionable silence again, with the sound of their voices blending into the soft hum of the livestream, where the comments continued to flow in, unabated.

They sat there, leaning against one another in that quiet, unspoken way. Taeyeon’s hand shifted slightly on Y/N’s back, her fingers brushing lightly over the fabric of her hoodie, and Y/N found herself subconsciously leaning into that touch, as if it were second nature. Her breath felt a little steadier with Taeyeon nearby, the rhythm of her pulse slowing down to match the gentle, steady presence of her unnie.

The comments began to settle, the initial excitement from Taeyeon’s appearance fading into a more relaxed flow of messages.

“Y/N, you’re glowing today.”

“You two are so cute, I can’t handle it.”

“Are you guys really just friends? You look so natural together.”

Y/N caught sight of that last comment, her heart fluttering just a little bit. She glanced up at Taeyeon, her breath hitching for the briefest of moments before she let it out slowly. She wanted to say something, maybe reassure the fans with a joke or deflect the question, but there was something about the way Taeyeon was looking at her, the quiet connection in her gaze, that made her hesitate.

For a second, she wondered if Taeyeon felt the same—a little too much weight on those simple moments, like there was something more unsaid between them. Something deeper that neither of them had fully explored but both of them felt, subtly, quietly.

Taeyeon tilted her head slightly, as if reading Y/N’s mind. Her gaze softened, and she smiled—something soft, something intimate.

“You good?” Taeyeon asked, her voice light, but there was something in her tone that made Y/N pause.

Y/N nodded, a little breathless. She couldn’t quite find the words for whatever this was, but she didn’t need to. She felt it—deep in her chest, in the warmth of Taeyeon’s proximity and the comfort of her touch.

“Yeah,” Y/N murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. “Just… good to be here with you.”

Taeyeon’s smile deepened, just a fraction. She didn’t say anything more, but her hand shifted from Y/N’s back to her shoulder, her fingers lightly brushing the soft skin of her neck. It wasn’t a gesture that meant anything other than familiarity, but to Y/N, in that moment, it felt like the whole world.

“Me too,” Taeyeon finally replied, her voice a little softer than usual, as if the space between them had somehow grown quieter, more intimate.

They both let the moment linger, not needing to fill the silence with words or explanations. It was enough, being here together, in this shared space where the outside world faded into the background, leaving only the soft buzz of their connection and the simple joy of being near each other.

Y/N adjusted the phone again, her fingers brushing against Taeyeon’s as she did so, the brief contact enough to make her heart skip a beat. She glanced at the chat again, seeing the messages continue to pour in, but this time, she didn’t rush to respond. She didn’t need to. It didn’t matter what the fans thought—right now, it was just about them, this quiet, unspoken understanding.

And for the first time, Y/N wasn’t quite sure where the line between “just friends” and something more began, but maybe that was okay. Because whatever it was, it felt like it was exactly where it needed to be.

But her heart started beating a little faster as the comments came in. It wasn’t just about the fans’ reactions—it was the thought of what could be said behind the screens. The K-pop netizens were unforgiving, sharp with their words, and they’d seize any opportunity to spin things in ways that could put her and Noémie under a microscope. The last thing she wanted was for her group to be dragged into unnecessary rumors or a scandal that wasn’t even there.

She glanced at Taeyeon, who seemed unfazed by the sudden attention. To Taeyeon, it was just a casual moment between friends. But to Y/N, the stakes were higher. Her mind raced with the possible consequences—what if someone misinterpreted this? What if they started speculating that there was something more going on, blowing it out of proportion?

“Unnie,” Y/N said softly, her voice carrying a hint of concern. “You should probably go before this gets out of hand.”

Taeyeon raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice light, like she didn’t have a care in the world.

Y/N bit her lip, hesitant to say exactly what was on her mind. “The fans are… kinda freaking out. I just don’t want them to twist this, you know?” Her eyes flickered to the screen again, and she couldn’t help but cringe as a new flood of comments poured in.

“Are they together?”

“Y/N and Taeyeon look so comfortable, it’s like they’re dating.”

“THIS IS SO INTIMATE.”

“I can’t even breathe, they’re too cute.”

The comment about being “too cute” made Y/N’s stomach twist. She had seen how fast rumors spread in the K-pop world. One misstep, one too many innocent moments, and it could be all over the internet, misinterpreted and dissected by netizens until it wasn’t even recognizable.

Taeyeon caught her eye, her expression softening when she saw the worry written on Y/N’s face. She leaned in just slightly, her voice lowering. “You’re worried about what they’ll say, aren’t you?”

Y/N hesitated for a moment. “Yeah… I mean, you know how people can be. I don’t want Noémie to be involved in anything that could be taken out of context. We’re already under so much pressure to be perfect, and I don’t want anything messing that up.”

Taeyeon’s gaze lingered on her for a beat before she let out a small sigh, nodding in understanding. “I get it. I really do. But you can’t let them control everything, Y/N.” She gave Y/N a gentle nudge with her elbow, trying to lighten the mood. “Sometimes it’s okay to just be yourself.”

Y/N swallowed hard, the weight of her responsibility to her group pressing down on her. She wanted to let herself just be—to enjoy the easy, comforting dynamic she had with Taeyeon, but she couldn’t ignore the larger picture. “I know, I know… It’s just hard, you know? I can’t help but think about the impact.”

Taeyeon looked at her, her gaze intense but soft. “I don’t want you to be afraid of what people might say. But if you’re really worried, we can always go offline. It’s your call, Y/N.”

The thought of cutting the livestream early made Y/N’s chest tighten. She didn’t want to seem rude or distant, especially not to the fans who were showering her with so much love. But at the same time, she didn’t want the situation to spiral. She could feel the shift in the atmosphere around them—the subtle change that even the most loyal fans might pick up on.

“Okay,” Y/N said, her voice barely a whisper. “Let’s just wrap this up for now.”

She muted the livestream once again, though the comments kept scrolling, undeterred by the temporary silence. Y/N exhaled slowly, the tension finally ebbing from her shoulders. “I’m sorry, unnie,” she said, looking at Taeyeon with an apologetic smile. “I just didn’t want to risk it.”

Taeyeon gave her a knowing look, squeezing her shoulder lightly. “You don’t need to apologize, Y/N. I get it. You’ve got a lot on your plate. I’ll leave you to handle it.”

Y/N nodded, her heart still racing a little, but she was relieved to have Taeyeon’s understanding. As much as she hated to admit it, there was a part of her that was relieved to have Taeyeon leave the livestream for now—at least until she could figure out how to navigate all the new attention.

Before Taeyeon left, she pulled Y/N into another quick hug. “You’re doing great, okay?” she whispered, her voice warm and reassuring.

Y/N held on for just a moment longer than usual, allowing herself to feel the comfort of the hug. “Thanks, unnie. I needed that.”

Once Taeyeon stepped away and the door clicked shut behind her, Y/N took a long, deep breath. She turned her attention back to the live comments, but this time, it felt different. The weight of her decision to keep things low-key, to protect her group and herself from unnecessary speculation, settled on her shoulders.

She resumed the live, but this time, her demeanor was a little more guarded, her responses more measured. The playful teasing, the easy smiles—they were still there, but now, there was a certain layer of caution. She couldn’t afford to let things slip out of her control—not when everything she had worked for with Noémie was at stake.

The comments, though still full of excitement, started to shift again, this time with a more teasing tone, but Y/N kept her focus. She would play along, but always with one eye on the bigger picture. K-pop fans were relentless, and even the smallest misstep could spiral into something she couldn’t take back.

“Okay, guys,” she said, her voice light but firm. “Let’s keep it cool, alright? I appreciate the love, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’ve got a lot more to show you all.”

As the livestream continued, Y/N made a silent vow to keep herself and Noémie safe from the chaos that could come with being too visible. She didn’t want to live in fear of the fans, but she also knew that if she wasn’t careful, the smallest thing could send them into a frenzy—and that wasn’t something she was willing to risk. Not for herself. Not for Taeyeon. And definitely not for her group.

taglist + @gtfoiydlyj @sewiouslyz @xen248 @mineige @yjiminswallet @saysirhc @pandafuriosa60 @yeri-luvr

[spinningbagel]

Hello hello hello!!! I have returned!! I'm not abandoning this like I have 99% of my other projects! (I was then shot 57 times)

Shooters turn! Hooray!!! He's been drawn up for a bit, I just procrastinated colouring him whoops.

Okay! So, outfit (namely the top) is the same ol' thing; just with duller colours so he doesn't stick out like a neon blue thumb. It was the biggest issue with his design in my opinion. I like the fit, hated how bright the colours were! So we changed that!

Also, he's got himself a messenger bag. No real reason for this one, he just seems like he'd be the type of person to carry all his stuff in one (me core). Id like to think he just found it and took it for himself, eventually decorating it with patches and pins.

I've also given him a sort of ghillie suit cape thing, having repurposed an actual one because he didn't want to wear a full suit + got way to hot in it. So the cape was his work around for that. I dunno, I just think his priority is being as stealthy as possible. He seems like the person to be aiding from the sides and not direct battle.

Also also also! The necklace!! We're sticking to canon with his whole 'fiancé left me cuz I gamed too hard' thing - though might tweak it a little to give some actual reason behind it. The video game thing can just be what he says to avoid the truth.

Aaand we also did his mask! I thought it'd be cool to do those alongside the character (excluding Sheriff who doesn't own a proper one). Since the rework makes them more of a prominent thing and not just a "oh yeah we have these!"

(Ignore the fact I didn't colour the nose)

The mask is still pretty similar to his canon one, even with some differences in the shape, eyes and colouring. I wanted to make it look like he'd had a go at customising it. Namely with paint and completely covering the eye where his eyepatch is (in this, his eye patch thing is just that; a fancy eye patch he made to "look cooler than the boring pirate aah ones"(Edit: it also can function like a flashlight!)). Like most things I do, there's no reason for this other than I thought it'd be funky.

I believe that's all I got to say about him design wise! Brutux'll be next as soon as I figure out what I want to do with him.

As always, feel free to ask questions in the query box! I highly encourage it!!/nf

Stay safe and eat bread gang o7

[ponderwithpebblepounce]

All of my friends are getting asks.. am I.. TOO SCARY???

I've never thought of this before!

(Encouraging obscure questions. Encouraging most if not all questions! Ask Pebble whatever! /NF)

[pastelpressmachine]

Black Mirror’s Demon 79 and the Justification of Brown Feminine Rage (warning: spoilers)

What if intrusive thoughts can be valid, and it is okay, maybe even necessary to act on them sometimes? If violence isn’t the answer, why must it so often be the question? 

Set in Northern England, 1979,  “Demon 79″ is the final episode of Black Mirror’s sixth season. It follows Nida, a meek sales assistant with a mousy appearance, who is tasked with the most complicated and important mission: to save the world by taking the lives of three human sacrifices in the days leading up to May Day.

Champions of the extended metaphor, Black Mirror employ the talents of Anjana Vasan (an Indian-born, Singaporean-raised, and U.K.-based actress) who plays Nida Huq and Paapa Essiedu (an English actor of Ghanaian descent) who plays Gaap*, the demon Nida accidentally invokes upon finding a talisman that begins this stressful mission of her. Gaap, devilishly handsome and charming, trying to earn his “wings” and be initiated into demonhood reassures the panicking Nida that she is not going mad, she is not a bad person, and the people she is encouraged to kill are vetted through his soul-reading as deserving of death.

*Gaap is considered through stories of demonology and texts related to the Testament of Solomon to be the Prince of Hell, with angels as siblings and a penchant for manipulating women and rendering them infertile. 

Gaap adjusts his form to something more comfortable for Nida by changing into a look-a-like of Bobby Farrell from the famous disco-funk German-Caribbean vocal group known as Boney M. Having the representation of a demonic entity be a Black man while allowing him to manifest into a symbol of appeal for Nida turns the inherent vilification of Black men on its head without contributing to the hypersexualization of Black bodies. Gaap is never presented as a love interest for her, but viewers do get to see them develop a snarky back-and-forth. I almost never see Black and brown leads banter like this. 

Another reason I’m glad Gaap was not portrayed as a sinful symbol of sexual desire is because Indian women already have to navigate a shame-fueled purity culture, and I wouldn’t want to see her grapple with her feelings for someone who is not only outside of her race and religion, but isn’t human. Writers avoided the idea that to love Gaap was to love something forbidden in all possible ways. And we don’t need to see Black folks depicted as not-human. The history of both American cinema and politics has acted on that dangerous perception already. 

When I saw the opening scene of Nida with her wide eyes waking up to get ready for work, I recognized the doe-like innocence in her face as the one I have been raised to emulate. She looks so much like my mother 30 years ago. Minimal makeup, modest clothes, hair neat and tied back.

Moments of Nida’s inner demons being unleashed start off as fantasies she has. She is quietly scurrying through her life as an oppressed minority in 1970′s England, where xenophobia and racism showed up everywhere, from the actions of the British Nationalists to the microaggressions Nida faces at work for simply bringing her potent biryanis to the stock room and “stinking up the place”.

Indian women are some of the least visible in politics historically and presently because we are raised to not make a fuss of things, to be quiet and reserved and let white people act how they want towards us because we are guests in their countries, even when they’ve colonized and pillaged our own. I feel Nida’s pain as she thanks the white people around her for the bare minimum (allowing her an alternative place to eat, such as the basement - where she finds the talisman that changes her life) and avoids the confrontation and rage within her, even sighing in defeat at the NF* tag that has been spray-painted on her front door. 

*NF stands for the National Front, a far-right, fascist political party in the United Kingdom, founded in 1967. 

I crave catharsis for Nida. And for her late mother, whom she has a photo of in her apartment. She explains after the first sacrifice that her mother was perceived as crazy, and now Nida is afraid that people will think the same of her, and this time, because of what she’s done, it will be true. I wondered if Nida’s mom was called crazy because she had stood up for herself, reported abuse or harassment that was occurring within the Indian community itself or in her own home, or tried to leave Nida’s father. None of these scenarios would make the show seem like fiction at all, at least not for many of the South Asian women trapped by the chains of patriarchal ideals. 

There are moments where I am concerned Nida is enamored by Michael Smart, a white politician giving a campaign speech outside the store she works at, as if his mere acknowledgment of her existence without visible disgust is enough to make her heart flutter. Again, I enjoy seeing a Black and brown lead in this episode, and knowing that other viewers are getting to see the many instances of white culture that exposes the racist ignorance and unfair power structures that exist in western society, workplaces, and even the homes of white folks themselves. (I was so happy for little Laura to hear of what was done to her assailant).

When it comes to stopping the world from absolute destruction in a nuclear holocaust, the heroes have never really been people who look like Nida. (It is worth noting that the head writer for this episode was Bisha K. Ali, who also is the executive writer for Disney+’s Ms. Marvel and has tackled many of the same representation issues in her work). People like her don’t have the permission to be loud, angry, or violent without consequences, no matter how justified. Meanwhile, with unchecked authority, bombs go off and innocent people die and children cower in their beds and white men get to act on their worst traits and impulses, however sinful, with little to no accountability.

Even when Nida is being violent, it is for the greater good. Because it has to be. Even female rage has to serve a purpose for others. It cannot just be hers. If she’s going to be angry, she better be trying to solve crime or save the world. 

And through this most guttural and sometimes poisonous part of being a human, Gaap sees her. Maybe it’s because he has transformed in the image of Nida’s celebrity crush or maybe it’s truly the way in which he interacts with her, Gaap sees Nida. He recognizes the type of violence she would and would not indulge in. He tells her she should feel more at ease after killing the first sacrifice, a pedophile she clobbers with a brick before he falls into a river. He continuously recognizes her hesitation, and suggests “Dutch courage”, or booze before following through with the second kill. It is inappropriate in Indian culture for women to drink, which Nida notes when she tells Gaap she doesn’t. Then he asks her if she wants to, something, from the expression on Nida’s face, it doesn’t seem like she has ever been asked. 

Upon entering a pub full of (yes, all white) men, Nida is dismissed by the (also white) female bartender who looks just as irritated by her existence as her coworker Vicky, who had reported how unfair it was that she had to smell Nida’s lunches and endure the lingering scent at work. An older (also white) bartender (who might be the owner) takes her order with the same polite and quiet discomfort of her boss, who had presented her with the basement lunch “solution” to appease Vicky. It’s subtle but the approaches in which different age groups and genders of white English folk take with engaging with Nida demonstrate the variety of ways in which people of colour experience discrimination. At its worst, it is violent hate crimes and unjust legislation that mutates into full blown genocide. At its mildest, it’s passive aggression and strained tolerance. 

It’s more apparent with the second killing (of a man named Keith who killed his wife) that Nida does have the option to be as righteous as she wants to be, which is something I really appreciated about her character. Even if she was killing to prevent the literal apocalypse, and the clock was 6 minutes from midnight -- she must follow the cadence of at least one kill a day -- the moment she has to hear Keith’s justification for what he did and his attempt at absolving himself with the statement “I’m not a bad husband, but --” she swings a hammer at his head to shut him up. She then bashes his head in repeatedly, even to the point where Gaap is wincing at the sight. If this was just about killing people to stop a bigger disaster and loss of life, she wouldn’t be losing herself in the act like she did. 

The third and final kill occurred in the next few minutes, as Keith’s roommate, witnesses her trying to exit, which presents itself as problem in allowing her to continue with the mission if she’s arrested. It’s messy because it was fast, the least premeditated, and she doesn’t know who the man is or if he’d done anything as bad as the previous two skills. Because of this, she’s much more apologetic as the man dies, later finding out from Gaap he was Keith’s brother, Chris, an “ordinary” person who would not have been one of Nida’s choices. 

But as Gaap says, “What’s done is done”. And the three lines on the talisman should have disappeared indicating that Nida has fulfilled her duty. But it still has a line remaining, so a confused Gaap dials 666 (of course) on Nida’s rotary phone to explain the issue to his superiors. He tells Nida that Keith apparently didn’t count because he’s a murderer and anyone who’s been directly responsible for the death of another human being (not counting future deaths they might be responsible for) is off limits. Chris counted because his death still occurred just before midnight. 

Nida doesn’t snap psychologically and decide she enjoys this and is going to become a serial killer, which is a direction I find common in other Black Mirror episodes, where the white and/or male character loses it and/or goes on a killing spree. She grapples once more with her initial unwillingness to participate in this because even when given the go-ahead and to have the most reason to, she enters a mental boxing ring with her instinct v. culture v. morals. From my own experience and what I have seen in my own community, outward expression of rage is never the first emotion a woman reaches for...because she can’t always afford to in the way others can. 

“My whole life, I never wished harm on anyone.” 

Gaap tells her what’s at risk for him, and he describes a fate of punishment that she says sounds like her life now. She stands, empathizing with an actual demon, and deciding to continue with the mission. Gaap also reminds her this isn’t solely for him; she possessed a darkness within her that drew her to the talisman. So, he asks her, who pissed her off?

To Possette’s Shoes they go. 

Vicky, a prime choice for the grand finale, delegates the task of attending to the young girl Laura (from earlier) and her mother to Nida. Because the little girl creeps Vicky out. Gaap informs Nida that because she killed Laura’s dad, Laura doesn’t kill herself at 28 and instead goes to therapy, becomes a mother at 29, and a grandmother at 57. It’s a comforting thought amidst the mayhem of it all. 

Michael Smart makes an appearance once more, as his father and the boss’s father, are old college friends, and Nida’s boss had promised him a suit and shoes on the house. The boss unsurprisingly selects Vicky as the sales attendant, with Gaap grumbling to himself as Nida’s eyes go from ‘excited crush’ to just crushed. Her boss then chooses to notice the boxes on the floor from when Vicky could’ve been cleaning up and hisses at Nida, “Could you pick up the bloody mess?” This prompts Gaap to suggest the boss be the next to go. 

Nida moves on to cleaning up the boxes, eavesdropping on the conversation between Michael and Vicky. When Michael says he hopes he has her vote, she says she is siding with the National Front who she believes will help rid the town of all the pesky foreigners. And then Michael Smart reveals himself to be what a lot of politicians are: covert bigots. He explains to Vicky that an explicitly xenophobic campaign would be too polarizing, so you have to elect a moderate who can win over the masses and put the evil plans in motion. (Sound familiar?) 

There is a subliminal language spoken among white supremacists, even if they smile politely at people who look like me and Nida. And this revelation that she witnesses presents an even more justifiable option for Nida’s third kill. 

She asks Gaap to give her information about Michael’s future, which he hesitantly reveals to her. Michael Smart wins the election, eventually becomes prime minister, and leads a new world order built on white supremacy. Nida decides he is the final target, but Gaap tells her he wouldn’t be the right choice because the Satanic world he comes from is a fan of his work and everyone there would want Michael to be able to facilitate the upcoming deaths that occur as a result of him first winning the election to become a member of Parliament. 

But Nida is set on him, or no one, giving Gaap the ultimatum to get on board or risk his own banishment after failing his initiation. 

Meanwhile, a police investigation occurs which leads to the bar staff identifying Nida as a “muttering Indian woman” who was at the bar the night Keith died. Len Fisher of Tipley Police arrives at Nida’s apartment, as part of routine questioning, and she invites him in, with Gaap’s suggestion to kill him. 

Fisher is the first white person to speak to her as person, too, even though he’s there on the premise of Nida being a potential suspect. Maybe this is more covert trust-building behaviour, maybe as a cop, maybe as someone generally suspicious of people of colour. He is the most mild-mannered, middle-man in the whole story. 

Fisher follows Nida who follows Smart after his speech at town hall. This is where I’m a little surprised but not displeased. The other episodes end with something sad, violent, and/or redemptive. Nida gets a bit of everything, but as with all things Black Mirror, not in the way you’d expect. In society, Nida may be reduced to a mad woman telling an insensible story, enduring the same perception people had of her mother. But society doesn’t last long, and she walks off into a kind of nuclear, fiery sunset with a new friend. 

The deadline for the sacrifices had been May Day, also known as Workers’ Day or International Workers’ Day to commemorate the struggles and gains made by workers and the labour movement. Nida, representing intersectional identities of the working class (immigrants, women, people of colour), was not listened to or believed, and the world ended because of it. Her weapon of choice had been a hammer, a tool meant for building that was used for destructive but necessary purposes. This could be a reference to the Communist party’s symbol of a hammer and sickle, which represents proletarian solidarity. The meaning of the episode, particularly its ending, captures the significance of the working class and how our world relies on them to function and last. When their efforts are stunted, their sacrifices are in vain, or they are not heard, the world ends. 

[kinterdimez]

okay hi name’s sym/anthem, or any kin names. current shift is always MUCH preferred but anythin goes.

pronouns by default are he/they/it but in the context of fem-aligned kins you can she/her me (will star those on the kinlist), feels good when its for kin reasons. i’m transmasc nonbinary (anarchogender if we wanna get xenogender level of specific) on a general basis, but also genderfluid and kin fucks w gender stuff sometimes and there WILL be occasional contradictions but queerness is like that

send asks. please. i fuckin love getting asks. even if it isnt abt kin stuff. you can ask questions abt my canons or sources or whatever i’ll answer even if it doesnt relate to me. or you can just share thoughts. or you can just send the sillest shit to my ask box i dont care

PLEASE if you are a sourcemate reach out to me. i dont care if you did somethin bad to me, i dont care if i didnt even personally know you, i dont care if you’re not even a canon character (i know how that feels thats so fuckin lonely). or even if youre not a sourcemate at all and just wanna talk to your blorbo go ahead and message i am down for that. also doubles are totally cool as long as its not one of my own OCs.

i follow back from @winterdimez my kin blog name is a pun on my main blog’s name. also @pianopanicattack is my second kin blog which also kinda doubles as just a gorillaz sideblog because 2d is such a high kin that i felt i needed an entire separate blog for that, not very active on it outside that shift but if you’re lookin for 2d you can reach me there as well (please do, yes that means you too murdoc)

basically, INTERACT WITH ME. /nf

kinlist goes here:

- Frisk (Undertale)

- Dragon (Good Omens OC)

- Gueira (Promare)

- 2D (Gorillaz)

- The Lamb (Cult of the Lamb)

- Kwazii (Octonauts)

- The Doctor (Doctor Who) **

- Static Grayson (OC)

- Crowley (Good Omens) *

- Hiro Hamada (Big Hero 6)

- Wednesday Addams (Wednesday 2022) *

- Lantern Snowdragon (The Sims 4, OC)

- Sympathy “Sym” Parker (Spidersona)

- Gregory (FNAF SB)

- Jaylen Hotdogfingers (Blaseball) *

- Riz Gukgak (Fantasy High)

(* she/her pronouns accepted in the context of these kins, ** accepted usually only in context of 13th regen)

tags:

#anthem sings - my text posts, the occasional image

#anthem’s art - my art and moodboards

#anthem duets - answered asks

plus tags for each kin ([character name] tag), and sometimes canonmates

dont see a point in a DNI anymore because the people who’d be in it would not care to respect it anyway, so i’ll just block if any bigots or creeps show up, other than that whatever. everyone else enthusiastically ENCOURAGED to interact

[a-dorin]

you’re special | n.m.

word count: 1k+

warnings: cursing, sexual innuendos, some fluff 

a/n: even with the prompt, i really found inspiration for this from the song “you’re special” by nf. depending how this goes, i might be able to do a part two! enjoy :) 

prompt:  “Can you do a story where the reader is a musician that collabs with noel and cody and maybe noel takes a liking in her��

“and that’s a wrap,” cody announced, “how do you feel about the finished product, (y/n)?”

you blinked, startled by his question, “i am pretty optimistic about it. do you think the fans would like it?”

“well based on the reaction from the latest podcast, i think they’re going to be into it,” his voice was low and deep, smooth, “it’s going to be a hit.”

“even better than walk man?” you arched a brow, curious to hear his response.

“yeah i think so,” he flashed you a wide smile. 

your lips tugged into a smile, “i’m looking forward to potential collabs with you guys.”

“who knows,” he shrugged, his trademark grin plastered on his features, “we may ask that you come work on another song with us.”

cody rolled his eyes dramatically, “okay enough with the googly eyes. you may as well fuck noel before you fly back home, (y/n). he can’t stop eye fucking you, so you may as well do the real thing.”

“cody!” you almost choked on your spit.

noel widened his eyes, coughing awkwardly, “um, well. i am going to get some water. you guys want anything?”

“nope,” you exhaled, biting your lip. 

“i’m good,” cody responded, fishing his phone out of his pocket, “you may want to find a condom on your journey. (y/n) is dying of horniness over here.”

blush spread through your cheeks like wildfire, your skin hot, “cody kolodziejzyk. what is the matter with you?”

“i’m helping you out,” cody scoffed, “it’s not my fault my two best friends have been flirting nonstop.”

“i have not!” you gasped. 

“uh-huh,” cody smirked, “admit it, (y/n). you think my best friend is hot.”

“he is dating someone,” you hissed through gritted teeth, “her name is aleena. or has that thought just disappeared from your thick skull?”

“i just know chemistry when i see it,” he shrugged, “i mean, do you not think noel is attractive?”

“i do,” you admitted, cheeks burning, “but he is dating someone. i am just your friend who you invited to los angeles for a few days in order to work on a song.”

“i’m telling kelsey all about this,” he chuckled, taking in the sight of your embarrassment, “aww, look at you, you’re blushing.”

“as if i’m not aware,” you snorted, “and i would watch your words in that text, jackass. what if kelsey tells aleena?”

“shit you’re right,” cody paused, “however, if the song is a success, we may release a music video with it too. would you be cool with flying out here again to film it?”

“i don’t mind,” you were nonchalant. 

“you’re just happy because that means you’ll see noel again,” cody shot you a wink. 

you were in los angeles for a few days in order to record a collaboration with tiny meat gang, also known as noel miller and cody ko. you were a rising artist, ranging throughout a variety of genres. your following amassed to about two million on youtube, about the same for instagram.

 you didn’t really have a specific category your music fell into, but your fans adored it nonetheless. one day, you were scrolling through cody’s instagram live when a fan of yours inquired if tiny meat gang would ever collaborate with you for a song. 

of course, cody responded with a, “uh, fuck yes.” since you were cody’s best friend, he asked you with no hesitations, offering to help pay for your travel. kelsey wanted you to come out as well, stating that you could crash in their apartment for a few days. 

even though you were well aware of noel miller, you had no idea that he was so magnetizing. from the moment you two met, you were drawn in, allured by his personality. he was brash and bold, not hesitating to roast cody whenever he did anything stupid. 

it also helped significantly that noel was attractive. although cody and noel were referred to as short kings, you were still shorter than both of them. you loved noel’s eyes, the color shifting from a golden honey, to hazel, to a rich, creamy brown effortlessly. with his olive complexion, slight stubble, dark hair, and bright, wide smile, you couldn’t help but fall in love at first sight. 

there was one thing standing in your way. noel was not single, and you did not want to be a homewrecker. although cody encouraged the behavior, pestering you and noel, you didn’t want to hurt aleena. she was so sweet. so kind. you couldn’t hurt her like that. 

you blinked, snapping out of your thoughts, “whatever, i think i need to head off to the airport soon.”

“you sound like everyone else,” cody groaned, “for some reason, you have to be at the airport four hours early. is there a real reason for that or?”

“my flight leaves sooner than you realize dipshit,” you muttered, “are you going to help me get there or what?”

“of course,” he nodded, “you better say your goodbyes to noel though. i’m sure he’ll be heartbroken that you’re leaving.”

noel entered, the studio, a bottle of water in his grasp, eyes concentrated on his phone. you cleared your throat, “it was nice working with you, noel. i’ll see ya around.”

“oh,” his eyes didn’t even glance up, “yeah, see ya.”

a frown formed on your lips as you shouldered past noel, anxiety rising within you. did you do something wrong? or, was he annoyed with all of cody’s jokes?surely he knew that he was just messing around. that it wasn’t serious. 

whatever the case was, in your heart you knew that you would probably never see noel again. which, hurt a little. did you really have to leave early? you didn’t mind the innocent flirting, the way his eyes admired your curves, hungrily taking in the sight of you. 

hours later, you said your goodbyes to cody and kelsey, promising that you would be back soon. you boarded your flight, your mind buzzing, clouded with fantasies and scenarios. 

the only thing on your mind was noel miller. and how badly you wanted to be his. 

your phone buzzed before your flight departed, catching your attention. it was a notification on instagram, illuminating your phone screen, your breath hitching in your throat. 

@thenoelmiller has followed you

in a dimly lit apartment, a figure stood on the balcony, a lit blunt between his fingers, a sigh tumbling from his lips. god, did he wish he could’ve made a move. that he could’ve asked for her number. oh did he wish things were different. that he wasn’t committed, deeply involved with another woman. 

god, did he love the way his name sounded as it rolled of her tongue. how it drifted out of her sweet, perfect lips. lewd, filthy, images filled his mind, the figure desperately attempting to shake them away. 

was he getting into things he shouldn’t have been? was his flirting so wrong? it was innocent, fun. besides, he probably wouldn’t see her for a while. maybe it was the last time he would see her in a long time. years, maybe. 

his phone buzzed in his pocket, the figure’s eyes scanning the contact. with a sigh, he answered the call, “yeah?”

“hey man, the label wants to know how soon we can get together. they want to shoot a video.” 

tagged: @mr-skyline-r34​ @beksalli​

[amritkaurpoetry]

The Sun and The Dragon [A Harry Potter Fanfic] : Chapter 1 - The Invitation

Note: This is the first chapter of my Harry Potter Fanfic, it follows the story of Annora Apollo, who is 18 years old, and finds out the harry potter universe does indeed exist. 

This is my first ever long piece of writing and fanfic so it would be extremely helpful if you could leave any feedback, the full first 5 chapters are available on wattpad, and will also be on Ao3 once i’m gone with the whole story. 

word count: 2930

Chapter One

The Invitation

In a small town, somewhere on the outskirts of London, there is a little house. Small, as if hiding amongst dollhouses behind a large hill. The chimney smokes, a sign of the fireplace lit, in the late hours of the night. Oblivious to the hushed chatter downstairs, a young girl, 18 years of age, is sat in her bed on her phone. The blue light falls upon her light brown skin and reflects in her chocolate brown eyes. Annora, scrolled through Instagram like she often did on the nights she could not sleep. She scrolled past the countless faces of people she knows, knew, and even a few strangers too. Now and then Annora would stop scrolling to give a soft smile to a good Harry Potter meme. She did so now, as she smiled at a meme of Ed Sheeran in a family picture of the Weasley's, a fictional family Annora adored. ‘Very loyal? Should ‘a had my back but you put a knife in it. My hands are full, what else should I carry for you?’ The ‘NF’ song that played from her earphones could be heard in a low hiss around the room. She glanced to look at the clock on her bedside table, 01:53 it read. Once again, the hours had seemed to slip away from Annora, she had always struggled with sleeping on time. She sighed and turned her phone off and stared into her reflection on the black screen for a while. Her long face looked blankly back at her as she sighed again, took out her earphones and turned to put her phone away. Annora had not thought this was how she'd spend her gap year. She had imagined herself travelling the world and meeting new people, where she might have finally found a place where she belonged. Annora seemed to finally notice the muttering that came from downstairs and abruptly sat upright in her bed. She strained her ears to make out what the voices were saying and who they belonged to before she dared to move. There was the familiar voice of her father and mother, but also another unknown voice. She turned to look at the clock – 02:01 – and made sure it was indeed late into the night. It was unusual for her parents to be awake at this time, as Annora had often stayed up this late, least they never seemed to make it obvious they were up at this hour. There was also the question of the guest, who would come to someone’s house this late? As far as Annora knew they had no known living relatives and her parents never seemed to have many friends. Curious, Annora put on her mother’s green slippers that she had lent her, her yellow slippers were still in the moving boxes somewhere and, as quiet as she could, creeped out of her room. The muttering got slightly louder as Annora closed her room's door behind her and inched closer to the stairs. She could now see the reception room light flooding the house with a soft orange-yellow glow.

‘So, it really is time now, isn’t it,’ said Annora’s father, Lee, in a deep, exhausted voice.

‘I’m afraid so.’ Said an unknown male voice, it was soft and calm.

‘Professor, how is it possible for her to attend when she is already 18?’ It was now Annora’s mother who spoke, she sounded worried.

‘Ah,’ said the unknown voice, ‘that is the Ministry’s doing, I have explained this already to Lee. I think it unwise to waste time on these pointless details at this hour.’ Countless questions seemed to flood Annora's mind as she inched closer to the stairs. She suspected she was the 18-year-old her mother had mentioned, but what school was she talking about? Was this why they had convinced her to take a year off before heading off to university? Annora stepped closer to the stair's oak railings to try and see who her parents were talking to.

‘Never mind how it’s possible Lucia,’ Lee turned to his wife, ‘she’ll be safest within the school.’ Just as he had finished his sentence, Annora was finally close enough to make out the open reception room door. Within the room she could also make out a man in a midnight blue cloak sat on the sofa, his cloak covered in small white stars, and a long white – almost silver – beard.

‘You’re right Lee, will you be watching over her personally professor?’, Lucia inquired.

‘Certainly Lucia.’ The elderly man replied, his voice was full of a deep understanding.

‘It’s already the 1st today, should I wake her now to tell her?’ Lucia asked Annora was now close enough to make out her mother and father still in their nightwear seated on the sofa opposite two, not one, unknown men. They both were strangely dressed and old.

‘That won't be necessary. I believe she has already come down', just as Annora was close enough to make out the old man’s face, he turned to look up at her halfway down the stairs. He gave her a soft smile and beckoned her over with his right hand, which seemed to have a blackened middle finger. Looking at him, Annora walked down the rest of the stairs. He wore a wizard’s hat, and half-moon spectacles, if it weren't for the fact that she knew Harry Potter was a work of fiction, she would have thought she was being addressed by Albus Dumbledore himself, he even had a crooked nose. She made a mental note that if she was ever asked to cast someone as Dumbledore for a new Harry Potter re-make, she’d have to contact this man.

‘oh, um hi, I heard – talking, I came to see if everything was okay.’ Annora said as she gave an awkward smile, thrown off by how much he looked like a fictional character and how quick he had noticed her presence, though she had made no noise at all. Both Lee and Lucia turned to face her as she entered the reception room. The Dumbledore look-alike got off the sofa and stood with his blue eyes still on her. The other old man seemed to follow his lead and looked over with his pale silver eyes. This other old man was rather bony, with his skin looking as if it had been stretched too thin over his bones.

‘Annora, this is Professor Albus Dumbledore and Mr Garrick Ollivander,' says Lucia as both she and Lee stand.  Annora froze, did she just say Dumbledore and Ollivander? After a short period of complete silence, Annora laughed.

‘Nice one mum’, she replied, looking around at all of them. Her parents had always known of her love for the magical world of Harry Potter. Well, they always knew about anything and everything Annora had ever loved. They all, however, kept their faces grave and Annora had started to try and keep her face straight too.

‘Your mother isn’t lying,’ smiled the Dumbledore look-alike/ Dumbledore, 'though I suspect to you I am a work of actual fiction so it wouldn’t be easy for a young logical mind like yours to grasp that I am indeed Albus Dumbledore.’ He smiled increasingly wider, and as if he had read her mind and quickly added ‘oh yes, The Albus Dumbledore.’ Perplexed Annora reached out to shake Dumbledore’s outstretched hand, noticing the black middle finger again.

'Um- nice to meet you, professor.' She said though she did not seem quite convinced. Her eyes looked around the room; at the large bag placed next to Ollivander, at her parent's serious faces, at the peculiar costume Dumbledore wore, and the ash that lay on the floor. Her eyes found the fireplace that, for the first time, was open and burning with flames. Annora was pretty sure it was boarded up when they had moved here last month.

'And this is indeed the renowned wandmaker, Mr Garrick Ollivander.' He added, gesturing to the bony man with stretched skin, who stood next to him who also had his hand outstretched.

'Pleasure to meet you, miss.' He said as Annora shook his frail hands.  

‘Likewise, sir.’ She politely replied as she turned to look at both her parents, surely, they were going to interrupt and burst out laughing at any moment now. Though her mother's blue eyes seemed to be looking at the bag next to Ollivander, and her father's brown eyes were looking at Annora in all seriousness, he furrowed his eyebrows.

'As you may have gaged from the date and situation Annora, you are indeed a Witch, and we are here to personally invite you to study at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.’ Dumbledore continued looking over to mother and father as if encouraging them to chip in, probably due to the visible disbelief on Annora’s face. After a thoughtful pause, he added, 'We have given the details to your parents already.'

‘This isn’t a joke Annora,’ Her father started, but she spoke up before he could finish his sentence,

‘But I’m 18, I just finished college, even if this WAS real – not saying I believe you. I would be too old to attend, would I not?’ She blurted out. She had said the last part as she looked directly at Dumbledore. Everyone gave a soft smile as if she had said something funny.

'Traditionally yes, but due to current circumstances there has been an additional year added.' Dumbledore explained after a soft chuckle and as if reading Annora’s mind, again, added, 'Yes you would be joining the final year, but I'm sure you'll manage to catch up with a bit of extra help'. With nothing to say, Annora remained silent and looked between the four people in her living room. Then looked around the rest of the room, her eyes resting on the fireplace again.

'Annora, Professor Dumbledore contacted me, and your father a little before he came and explained the situation. We are permitting you to go to Hogwarts.' Annora shot her mother a look, permitting her to go? What was even going on? She had missed seven years of this school – if it even existed – and now they suddenly want her to go.

'But why didn't I get a letter when I was 11?' The words came out of her mouth before she could stop herself. She couldn’t help it, if this was indeed real, she would have gone to the coolest school and wouldn’t have had to go to the countless crap high schools and colleges she had attended. Maybe if she had gone to this school, she wouldn't have had to keep moving houses as often as her parents did. Annora’s mother looked taken aback, and with a soft defeated voice she said,

‘Because we refused to let you go, tell you even.’ WHAT? She tried to catch her mother's eyes after she had said this, but her mother looked only at Dumbledore, pleadingly.

'I will surely explain in more detail, Annora, tomorrow as I accompany you to school. Your parents were advised, by me, not to let you attend Hogwarts initially. Again, it is something I will explain in due time. But first, why don't we pick your wand?' Annora was speechless, did he say wand? Curiosity took over her initial exasperation, and her dark brown eyes instantly looked at Ollivander. Ollivander had remained awfully quiet during the conversation but was now smiling holding a couple of dozen long boxes he seemed to have taken out of the bag beside him during the conversation.  

‘And what about the other supplies I’d need?’ Annora wished she could kick herself for the amount of rubbish coming out of her mouth. There was no way this was real, but no matter how much she tried to remind herself there was no such thing as magic, Annora felt herself feeling more and more excited. Surely if this was a joke, it would fall apart at the wand picking anyway. Dumbledore gave another soft chuckle, and her parents seemed to finally breathe again as if they were holding their breath this whole time.

'Your parents have kindly given us some money that I can give over to someone to bring all the stuff over to your dorm for tomorrow before you get to school.' He was beaming when he said this. Annora gave a bright smile back; it was hard not to, seeing how excited he seemed.

‘I believe this wand may be a good fit, whenever you’re ready.’ Said Ollivander, as he opened a purple box. Within the box was a rather plain-looking black wand. Annora reached out as Ollivander placed it carefully into her hands. The moment her hand had firmly clasped around it, some of the family pictures in the house shattered, no one other than Annora flinched. What the-

‘Maybe try this one.’ Ollivander took the black wand from her instantly and replaced it with a dark brown one that he had taken out of another box beforehand. This time a few books flew out of the bookshelf and Annora was left as perplexed as ever – was this seriously happening?

‘Hmm,’ Ollivander seemed to be excitedly considering what other wands to hand Annora when his bag seemed to shake a little, and sure enough, he pulled out a box that appeared to move on its own accord. Taking out a rather beautiful brown wand, which seemed to have golden vines wrapped around the handle, he placed it in her hands. The moment the wand touched her skin, a sort of warmth took hold of her body like a warm gust of wind encircling her. She could see everyone's faces that looked rather pleased.

‘Perfect! 13 inches long, Willow wood, with the dual-core of phoenix feather and unicorn hair. A wonderful choice,’ smiling he added, ‘I expect great things from you Annora, great things.’ Annora blushed slightly and considered the possibility that what had just taken place was indeed magic. It DID feel rather magical. But before this feeling could intoxicate Annora her eyes fell on the family photo that the first wand had shattered, kneeling to pick up the photograph she found herself unable to breathe. The picture was of her father laughing in the kitchen. He was wearing a black suit and tie, his onyx hair long, blending into the black suit he wore, and falling over his brown eyes. His cheeks were fuller than they were now, and he had his arm around her mother. Her mother looked as beautiful as ever, wearing a flowered apron and her light brown hair tied up in a messy bun. Her mother's blue eyes were almost shut, as she laughed at the two kids attempting to bake. Annora was little, probably around 6, in the photo, her messy brown hair somewhere in-between her mother and father’s, her brown eyes focused on her older brother. He was probably around 8, two years older than herself, leaning over a bowl reaching out to hug his sister – hug her. His eyes blue like mother’s and his onyx hair full of flour. How could she forget? Today was the first of September, the day the accident had happened. Fighting back the unwanted tears and forcing a rather convincing smile, she looked up at her mother and father. Least she still had them, Annora turned and placed the photograph on the table.

‘I almost forgot.’ It was Dumbledore who had broken the trance as he waved his wand and the books seemed to fly back to their rightful shelves, the glass frames fixing themselves along the way.

‘I’m afraid it is getting rather late; I hope to see you tomorrow morning Annora so I can accompany you to the Hogwarts express.’ He gave a rather proud but understanding smile to Annora, then turned to her parents. ‘I suspect Mr and Mrs Apollo will fill in some blanks in the morning. I hope to see you all very soon.' He gave a small kind of bow and smiled, both he and Ollivander bid farewell and walked out the front door into the night. But before Annora could ask any questions her mother spoke up,

'It's getting late, you should go to bed now, and we'll talk about this more in the morning. I promise.’ as Lucia hugged Annora. Lee gave her a before bed hug too and added,

‘He’d be so happy for you Annora.' His brown eyes were full of tears. Both Lucia and Lee had been very observant, nothing Annora did seemed to evaded their eyes. She hugged back tighter as her mother joined in on the family hug.

‘He would, and so are we,’ She smiled. ‘Now off to bed.' Annora decided it was best she did go to sleep; her parents probably had a few things to talk about, and she would find it easier to process everything that had just happened alone. She turned, the wand and wand box still in hand, and walked up the stairs and into her room. Once Annora was in bed, she couldn't help but convince herself that she would wake up the next morning and this would be nothing but an odd sort of dream. How could magic be real? With a whisper, 'I miss you', Annora fell asleep much quicker than she thought she would have. The night's dreams were sure to be about Magic, Hogwarts and her brother. Unknown to her, the whispers of her parents continued long into the early hours of the morning.

[dr3am-b3an]

//slight body horror warning (?) for vic

As a treat, you all get a concept/preview of my designs for the hollowheads!

A few lil artist notes will be underneath if you want more details on my thought process while designing them 💖💖

I always had the idea of the hollowheads’ bodies being based on various shapes, with the goal of their silhouettes being as distinct from each other as possible.

I wanted Chosen and Dark to kinda be like the opposite of each other; hence why they’re both based on triangles facing differently. They both needed to be muscular in their own way with Chosen being more bottom heavy and Dark being more top heavy.

The goal for Sec was to hand him stand out from the other 3 hollowheads in various ways; having his body be based on two triangles n having his body had outlines based on that of a figure drawing. And with vic, I wanted him to reflect Second in some shape or form; having his body be based on a diamond (which can be made with two triangles) and have outlines/cracks all over his body to symbolize how his trauma effected him.

vic also needed to stand out from the rest and I believe his eyes do a good job at that. The other hollowheads can’t open their eyes unless their powers are in use/activated but victim is a special case where his eyes physically cannot shut even if he tried. I debated on putting cracks in his eyes but decided against it cause I thought it would be a bit much and I think doing so would’ve made his eyes stick out less when they’re the focal point of his design

[mbti-notes]

P1) So I have this friend, an Enfp like me. For years she's been a dear friend of mine, and being of similar types have made us very easily get along. But now that we're growing older it feels like I'm in a different place in terms of Fi development, and her lack of development is starting to rub me the wrong way. During the time when we both started to get into Fi development, I started focusing on branching out and figuring out who I was, and she ended up in one relationship after another.

[con’t: The men were nice, and I'm not saying that being in relationships is a bad thing or is inherently detrimental to Fi. But now she's single, and says she feels listless, lonely. She says she seeks out men of status to make her feel accomplished but then either ends up losing interest or they break it off. I've been giving her advice to generate self interest, instead of seeking out interest solely in other people, to pursue her passions, and for a bit it seemed like she was taking my advice. 

But recently I've seen a... I don't know if it's a different version of unhealthy Fi, or whether it truly is a problem with me. If it is me, I would like to fix it. She seems to kind of assume my motives based off of what she herself is feeling. For example, if she feels insecure about something she'll act on the assumption that I'm judging her. I will be completely clueless to the fact that she thinks this until one of her actions based off of that assumption ends up being hurtful. When I come back and tell her that her actions are hurtful and based on false premises, she doesn't apologize, and despite saying that she loves me regardless, says that she feels I'm kind of a judgy person so that's why she assumed. I try my level best to be a non-judgemental person, given that I'm quite aware that people come from all sorts of life experiences and backgrounds, and I've had friends tell me it's one of my better qualities. 

There are times when I do say I can't condone a course of action (because it will hurt someone else or cause problems) and I have had someone break a friendship with me over that before. That person I've been told was toxic and manipulative, and later on I've heard that she herself thought she mightve been wrong. So I've assumed that what she said might not have been true. My family teases me about me being rigid on my morals, but apart from that no one has really mentioned it to me before. I know that being judgy could be a unhealthy trait from Fi, but I have the feeling that my close friend might be having an unhealthy Fi instead. 

So I suppose my questions are: am I indulging in unhealthy Fi traits? If so, how should I fix it? If she's the one being unhealthy, how so and how would you advise me to react? As I said, she's a dear friend of mine of many years. I know there've been times that I've been shitty that she's patiently guided me and times I've been behind where she's waited for me to catch up, so in this case I don't want to leave her behind. I know that I can't get her to change if she doesn't want to, (especially now that she feels that I'm being judgemental I don't want to press) but how do I react to someone with an unhealthy Fi while asserting my boundaries?]

When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, especially if many of those years were formative years, it’s natural for the relationship to carry a lot of baggage - they become more like a family member than a friend. That “baggage” can be a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have someone who’s known you so well and so long. They’re able to put you in context, they’re able to reflect back to you how you have or haven’t changed for the better, and the bond between you is strong due to all the shared experiences. On the negative side, baggage means that there exist some unresolved issues, problems that float around in the background, pain or resentment that gets swallowed for fear of rocking the boat too much, etc. Try to remember the positive when things get negative.

As a general rule, when an unhealthy dynamic between two people forms, both people feed into it in some way, otherwise it wouldn’t continue to get worse over time. Avoid trying to label one person as the only source of the problem. It’s not a case of either/or:

1) I believe that your friend is indeed having difficulty with Fi development, which is HER business to handle. It sounds like she uses men as a means to paper over low self-esteem, which is a manifestation of Te loop that gets in the way of Fi development. What she chooses to do is part of her journey of growth (or lack of growth as the case may be). You have to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate always being told what to do as though you’re stupid. This reminds me of an old song that goes something like: “If I make mistakes, they’re MY mistakes, and I cherish them as part of MY story.” You may believe that you know better than her about how to develop Fi, but perhaps you forget that an important part of being FP is that you have to honor your own story. You can’t live someone else’s story, i.e., betray Fi, and then hope to have healthy Fi in the end. Sometimes, honoring your own story means taking paths that others wouldn’t and falling flat on your face.

2) I also believe that your friend is defensive partly because you have been somewhat judgmental, which is YOUR business to handle. Even if you don’t say it out loud, people can sense disapproval, especially NFs. With your voice in her ear, I’m sure she has some awareness that her behavior is problematic. However, if you keep reminding her of this, what you’re doing is exacerbating the shame and guilt that she feels for “slipping”. You’re asking her to do what’s right, which is what Fi would do, but remember that you may also be asking her to do something that she is not yet ready or ABLE to do - this is how the line gets crossed. 

When you keep reminding FPs that they’re unable to do something, it doesn’t help them - it only makes them feel incompetent. If they feel that way long enough, it affects their self-esteem, which further exacerbates the feeling of incompetence in a vicious cycle. From here, she starts to assume things about your motives, as she projects her own sense of inadequacy. No one likes to feel less than. If you want to give advice, make sure that it’s wanted and appropriate for her level of competency. Most importantly, advice should be given lovingly, i.e., it should always be obvious that you are doing it from a place of care and empathy rather than a place of moral judgment. Avoid language that implies something about her moral character and focus more on the actions/consequences. You can’t speak such that you never offend anybody, but you can always check and recheck your own intentions to make sure that you’re speaking from the heart rather than the finger.

Sometimes, healing a relationship means stepping back a bit to let things cool down, such that you are able to return with fresher eyes. There’s a time for encouraging your friend, there’s a time for telling them the truth, and there’s a time for leaving them alone. It’s not always easy to decide the best option because the other person may not even know what it is they really need from you, if anything. At least she’s letting you know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t need or want your judgment. To me, this raises the question of what she does need from you. It seems that you don’t know, because every time you try to intervene, you’re not helping her in any discernible way. If the people close to you are implying that you’re judgy, it’s something to pay attention to. It means that you’re either not approaching “helping” with the right intention or you’re not expressing your desire to help in the right way. Something that I often have to remind Fi types of is that “helping” is ultimately about the other person, not just about you satisfying your own moral imperatives. If you forget this, you may easily overstep and disrespect the other person’s boundaries due to imposing your values on them.

ENFPs love to discuss the things that are important to them. They love to explore new ideas and possibilities. But if the only reason you’re engaging in the discussion is to try to “lead” her into agreeing with your way of judging the situation, she’ll know, and she’ll close up, because you’re being disingenuous. In essence, being “judgy” might mean that you are imposing your idea of what Fi development is onto her, instead of helping her to discover the best ways of reaching healthy Fi on her own terms, at her own pace, in her own way - assuming that Fi development is still something that she wants. 

It’s easy to spot problems in people, but it’s a lot harder to come up with the most appropriate solution. Like it or not, these men are fulfilling a need in her life, and this can easily turn into a form of addiction, with withdrawal symptoms and all that jazz. The longer someone carries on a pattern, the harder it is to break. What exactly is the need that she’s attempting to fill? Where does that need come from, why does it exist in that form, or why is it such an urgent matter to her that she’s unable to give up her pattern of serial dating? Is there a better or healthier method to address the need... a method that she is capable of carrying out? If there is a competency problem, what is the best way to address it? These are the questions that you should ask, if you want to understand her well enough to tackle the problem constructively. And you may not get the answers until you approach her at the right time, in the right way.

[brightsun-and-darkmidnight]

Changes to Find the Middle

TITLE: Changes to Find the Middle

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Oneshot

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki helping you through a new medication regimen.

+

Image meeting Loki at the really "good/high" end of a mental illness (like bipolar).

RATING:  Teen

NOTES/WARNINGS: Mental health. Bipolar disorder. Manic to depression. Sexual relationship. Mentions of sex but no explicit content. Character not being herself. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Please be careful and take care of yourself. This might be a little triggering due to what I know of Bipolar disorder. Extreme highs (hypomania) and extreme lows (depression) are shown in this but thankfully this has a happy ending I wish everyone could experience in real life. Mental health is so important and People who have mental health issues often can not control themselves due to a chemical imbalance or traumatic experience in their life. Their behavior is often NOT their fault. Seek professional help if needed.

Song Muses: (Addicted by Saving Able) (You don't know by Katelyn Tarver) (Rescue Me by Onerepublic) (Inner demons by Julia Brennan) (Paralyzed by NF)

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

LENGTH: 2,413

*FINALLY..Read the warnings. Once you agree you can handle it...

 ~ ~ ENJOY  ~ ~

"How has your energy been? You look good."

I sat down enthusiastically in front of the doctor's desk, "really good! I have the energy to catch up with things now that a couldn't even think about doing a few months ago."

"That's very good. Are you hanging out with your friends again? I remember our last visit you said you missed them."

"Yeah I took your advice and told them. Only two of my friends are close now but they took me out of my house occasionally and I am feeling more confident with myself because of them."

"I am happy to hear that." The doctor smiled at me.

I talked really fast because my doctor needed to hear more, "Their friends got me into one of Stark's parties and it was… amazing. I met this new guy actually."

"You guys do anything fun?"

"We met at the party and things really sparked. Like REALLY sparked and we see eachother everyday." I did not leave the suggestive tone out of my voice.

"That's good. Go on dates?"

Excitement lit in me at the thought of all the amazing sex we had… but other than the few drinks he bought me and the takeout dinner… 

The doctor glanced at me, their look shifted… something shifted and I already knew what was wrong.

"Umm… well.." I rubbed my thigh out of nerves just THINKING about it. Just the thought of the gynecology appointment for STI testing I should get done. I cleared my throat as I awkwardly answered, "there's more… action going on than casual conversations." 

My face flushed with heat when they asked,

"You mean sexual intercourse?"

I nodded my head. 

I knew. Everyone that actually knew "normal" me… All of us KNEW I never have sex with anyone until a month a serious dating, at least. The type of dating where discussions were deeper things than food, half watched movies, and how our outward appearances looked naked. I never sexted when I couldn't actually meet the other.

The doctor carefully asked the famous question, "Have you used protection?"

I tried to laugh but it came out broken. "No. Once again I felt invincible, overconfident, and had the sex drive of a rabbit."

The doctor started to discuss my sleep that was nonexistent. Then the amount of food consumption that was high and all I have been eating was cheap takeout. I haven't been eating like my usual self who tried to keep eating healthy. Even through depression I ate frozen fruit. It was on my list every time when I absolutely had to drag myself to the store to get necessities. I explained how I have been the person who, "helps everyone out with extreme unrealistic enthusiasm" as I always said to be annoying during my normal window of mind set.

I went to the store to pick up my prescription for a mood stabilizer. I went home and as much as I REALLY wanted to answer the phone when seeing Loki's name. I just didn't. I forced the thought from my mind of...a really pleasure filled night. My body filled with the desire to be touched by another's body.

The phone stopped ringing and so did my sinful thoughts.

As usual there was no voicemail.

In normal circumstances there should have been one, with a declaration of loving longing or a stupid question in a way to just get me to get back in contact.

I stared at my phone. My mind was at war and the part fueled by my bodily behavior was winning. It became a game in my head that was unfavorably tipped towards my body's desire. He texted me if he could come to my place and the game was over. I hid the medication in the cupboard after taking my first dose.

I woke in an odd way… something was different.

I groaned as I moved and felt the bed still warm under my body. I opened my eyes as I inhaled at a similar scent. I was unsure if I was glad he was gone or upset he seemed to have just left. He usually stayed till I woke. I felt the sensation between my legs and knew I needed to make a gynecologist appointment before I had to go to work, praying I could get in after my shift tomorrow.

I made the appointment but it was not for a few days and Loki kept in contact. However I worked on letting him go slowly with not responding immediately and was to the point of making sure not to respond to him unless there were so many number of attempts to contact me.

I stared at my phone as a new text message appeared.

Loki asked a simple question, "Are you ok?"

I laughed and laughed till I could no longer bare to do it.

It WAS a simple question but no one ever wanted the real answer. No one wanted the burdens of another placed on their shoulders from SMALL talk. The truth was deeper and more time consuming than anyone could predict. So I sent the simple one worded lie and left my phone alone again, but silenced it.

It was a while before I checked my phone due to falling asleep to the discovery channel.

I was fully prepared for no new notifications.

I was surprised to see 2 new messages.

I wanted to throw the phone before I looked but the idea was squashed by excitement and curiosity.

Both of the messages from Loki.

"Do you want to meet up?"

Hour after the last message, "talk tomorrow. Goodnight."

I didn't answer back because my stomach tightened in an odd way. I was used to feeling good about a God wanting me but now...

I used positive self talk to encourage myself to not give in on my final day before my tests but that coping skill is easily the hardest to master. I found myself open the chat with him, start to type something arousing and had to delete it. I was pissing myself off. I hated the stage between "normal me" and "ill me" because my mind was constantly at war.

I decided to ultimately block Loki's number in an attempt to stop contact.

My test results came back that I was still healthy and relief washed over me..

Eventually those supposed friends stopped talking to me as they usually did because I was not "fun" anymore.

I was becoming my "normal" self again, thus putting in the efforts of a healthy schedule again.

However, the loneliness from staying in by myself. Not having anyone to talk to. Ofcourse, I had my coworkers that have always openly laughed at poor tastes of mental health jokes. I was losing interest in everything because, "why should I care" and "what's the point?"

I had to look presentable for work so while I was "public eye" ready, I did my shopping then. By the time I got home on the days of the extremely scarce necessity shopping, I was exhausted but my body was wide awake. I would toss and turn trying to sleep but it would not welcome me.

Then other times, I put the cold stuff away and went straight to bed without getting anything to consume. I would often cry myself to sleep, then wake too tired to do anything. 

On days off I would lay in bed and do nothing until the desire to use the toilet became too strong.

I would weep and mourn my favorite past times. Not actually my interests and hobbies but how much I could not will myself to just do them. I left the discovery channel play on the TV just for the sake of something familiar. When a little fact I knew would be mentioned it was like a smoldering campfire was stirred. 

A little life breathed into me from time to time and due to the doctor's recommendation, I got back into therapy again. It helped but the talks were hard and seemed to weigh heavily on me more once I was home. There are skills I should be using and strategic tips to get things done. However, sometimes I just could not pull the will into my grasp to participate in the knowledge of a healthy lifestyle.

My phone rang with an unknown number. I answered it due to expecting a response from my doctor.

"How have you been?"

I knew that voice… but I could not pinpoint it.

I answered, "I'm ok. But who is this?"

"Loki."

"Oh…" I scrambled for words but nothing came. How was I supposed to explain this to him, my current state in everything and the fact I blocked his number?

"Are you home?"

"I was just about to leave." It was a lie. 

A damn terrible lie. I had no plans of removing myself from my couch. It had everything I needed in arms reach because it was essentially my comfort fort now.

The doorbell rang and I was extremely tempted to act like I was not home but the person on the other end of the phone knew.

I sighed with dread ringing in my chest much like the damned sound of company at my door insistent on not giving up.

I opened the door slightly to see Loki standing there.

His eyes met mine.

"You do not seem ok." Echoed from my phone before he ended the call.

I looked past Loki because while it might have once been excitement, I felt anything but that currently.

I tried to push my words out louder than a whisper, "What are you doing here?"

"I have been trying to contact you.. more regularly as of recently."

"I have no intention of being a booty call anymore."

His eyebrows scrunched and he blinked.

I went to shut the door as I said, "goodbye Loki."

Loki's hand shot out and kept the door opened. "You were never."

I huffed in annoyance as hope rose slightly in my chest. Then the doubts from depression took that hope and buried it 20 feet further than before. Tears pricked my eyes after the past hour of seeming to be gone and dried.

Loki's face was of concern when he asked, "may I come in?"

My face felt like it contorted into pure agony as I tried to hide the sob erupting from my aching heart. I tried to swallow the huge lump in my throat but it caused further pain. Then finally from the pain that emitted from deep within me, the tears fell.

I was in the hurricane of emotion from having a visitor.

Joy from not being alone then, to the horror of having to explain.

There was too much to explain... My reason for treating him so vastly different since we met. My emotional state. All my emotions. My appearance of myself and my house. The medication on the counter that had purpose. My illness and why once again I was crying harder. Trying to explain what was WRONG with me and why I needed the medication.

Loki sat beside me at the messy and cluttered kitchen table.

"What do you mean you were 'too good' at the time we met?"

I sniffed but still had to wipe my nose. "It's a symptom of bipolar disorder. I can literally feel too good at some points of my life. I had unbelievable amounts of confidence and optimism. It's called hypomania. That's not who I am. I am much-MUCH more responsible than getting drunk and having unprotected sexual intercourse with someone I know nothing about on an intellectual level."

I watched Loki's tongue swipe his lips as they pressed together and eyebrows scrunched again in thought.

Finally he spoke, "Your vast knowledgeable facts from our FIRST conversation have been playing on that TV throughout our conversation. I can see several things that show your bright mind. The very mind I fell for."

My eyes glanced at him once again. "My knowledge does not change. Just the optimism, focus, and desire for it."

Things seemed to be clicking in Loki's mind. He looked at the medications once again and did not take his eyes off of them. "If you continue your treatment, you will be what you deem normal?"

A small smile pulled my lips as a puff of air escaped from my amusement. "Yes. What I deem as normal. Not anyone else meaning I will be back to my healthy self... If I could remember to take my medicine."

"I am going to help you because I want to see the happy medium that you keep mentioning. It seems that I have seen you at all of your worst moments." He gave me a side glance with a smile pulling at his lips, "I assume there is something I must like out of your normal."

I began to smile but a frown quickly placed it. "There is no telling when I will be normal again."

Gold shimmered over my medication.

"Perhaps now it will become easier to stay on your medication regimen."

I grabbed a bottle and examined it once there was no longer gold around it. "What did you do?"

"I will know where these containers are and be able to move them. I will also know when you open them." He got the spare phone out of his pocket, "should I not be able to contact you again through phone, I will simply move these containers to you."

I felt a little happier as I teased, "I guess simply blocking your number is not going to work anymore?"

Loki smiled, "There are plenty of other numbers I could use."

Loki did help me. There had to be a little adjustment to his plan of keeping track of my medicine. He bought a specific little container made for sorting pills into daily doses. He would help me fill the daily spots for medication and he put another enchantment on that one as well. 

Everyday he would come to my place and help with things that needed to be done. He would compliment me when I needed it. He would hold me when medication would make me drowsy. He would urge me to eat when I did not want to. He helped me make healthier choices when I wanted to devour the whole house.

He actually took me to nice restaurants when I felt decent enough to get out.

He would always know everything about my medication and with him being able to literally hold it in my face at any point in the day… well there was no longer the option to forget.

Loki was the constant supply of water to my thirst for knowledge. Due to that type of relationship we really connected. Like really connected. We talked about everything to varying levels of importance and on both ends were voicemails with ridiculous ways to entice the other to call back.

Sometimes I would purposely ignore his calls just to see what the next stupid thing would be left in my mailbox… I listened to the recent one just left on my phone a minute ago.

"I know your games by now, so call me back. ...My declarations of love can wait until you tell me what sweet thing I am craving. I am at the store, so do hurry up before I decide to buy 5 of everything in the candy isle." There was a faint sound of the typical background noise in a store. "Please hurry… I fear I am going to need a bigger cart."

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Spain to Eurovision with whole lotta fun

Dare I say Operación Triunfo is a little bit of... a Choice?

I mean, you got yourself a format that a bunch of young-aged/teen/late-teen aged droolies follow for the drama more than the music, at least that’s what I suppose it is because it’s one of those singing reality shows where you’re oh so very welcome to follow the lives of all the 20-somethings that were unfortunate to sign the contract of the show, not being able to read all the fine-prints in the contract and later regretting not doing so because things like Eurovision. In Israel. But more on that later.

But this is Espain, and this is the sad state of television that is today - if they like your shitty talent show with 24/7 followship of the contestants, and if they watch that, and if they eat that with a spoonful, chances are you’re going to prolong its post-mortem revival state in order to maaaaaybe attract a new audience and acquire a new shippable couple people will vote “a Eurovisión”. Even if your last couple sucked. And even managed to break up unceremoniously sometime before the 2019 show’s Eurovision final <3 god bless them for finally breaking the chain and breaking the hearts of thousands who were ‘dying’ for the ship. It was never EVER meant to last.

So is it a no surprise that Operación went thriving for another year? Certaintly at least it’s no joy to bear with another amount of subpar desperates from every other corner of Spain, but only because Spain deserves a better NF format. I mean, with these other NF formats we can at least have a variety of artists with their own (or composed by others) songs, and it doesn’t matter an inch whether the public’s big fave gets rigged out to me - as long as it’s just a NF I can get easily over with, it’s all fine to me! And of course OT is also fine for me, it’s just that people are begging for it to get axed for some reason. Maybe because of all the ships?

I don’t want to put too much more thought of what happened in the reality show other than the Eurovision Gala, BUT I seemed to notice something rather crazy. You see, at first we had Natalia (or was it Alba Reche or Sabela even?) heavily speculated as the winner pre-show, but in the end the OT glory was all handed to some Dutch-born boy of Nigerian origin named... Famous. Not shitting you, it is his name. But what’s the saddest part about this? Famous CLEARLY wanted it all to himself just because of Eurovision being included in the contract. Yet his only victory in life is being the best among the rest of these stars that were watched over 24/7. Unfortunately, Mr. Oberogo couldn’t make this out to be in his favour in the Eurovision-special gala, to which the “triunfitos” can attend if they have songs chosen for them in the lineup, and yes he was admitted, but then he was given a SUCH DISAPPOINTING SONG EHMERGERD!!!!!!!! :’(

(lol calm yer ladyhormones, “No puedo mas” wasn’t THAT bad, it’s just that given Famous did songs like “Nobody but You” (yes THAT one) on the show, you’d expect something contemporary soulful, not just blatant radio filler that could have easily been an EYD reject?)

So how did it all happen that the girls were rooted for to win OT, but in the end the one that wanted Eurovision the most won? And how come the one that wanted the Eurovision the most was given a song that paled in comparison to that one song that was performed by someone who was blatantly against going to ESC because “nuuuuu Israel stop hurting Palestine” and that one being favoured to win? AND HOW COME ONE OF THE BIGGEST SHOW’S VILLAINS GOT HANDED ABSOLUTE SLAYAGE OF THE SONGS?? Honestly it’s for the best if Spain is just there to subdue everyone’s expectations, just like they did when choosing Manel (be it because of a corrupt juror or whatever). They did it every single turn of the time this year during OT’s run.

And of course I’ll forever love them for that, as the end result was AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING FIESTA BANGER. Courtesy of Miki (Núñez).

Ngl, the first thing I went in for about “La venda” before listening to it was through this first impression tweet on Miki’s ‘eliminated’ song from the selection, “El equilibrio”:

BITCH HOW WAS SHE NOT READY TO SEE THAT COMING AT HER.

Granted, the sudden start of happy sounds rushing right at me was a little startling, but I was able to cope with it and jam to the song in the end.

I completely adore this one, it’s so powerfully joyful with all its instruments and the Spanish language, the interesting turn of events in lyrics, the incredibly easy probability to sing along to this (LO QUE EEEEERE! LO QUE ERE ERE E!), the authenticity, the cultural roots (tbqh Eurovision countries should be welcome to embrace their culture rather than stray further away from it! also this is why more native languages other than English are encouraged)... mmm-mmm.

And like I said, for some reason Miki was seen as a grand villain to the show, and even if I didn’t follow OT all that much, I was constantly questioning why, and after seeing him eliminated I only wanted to know if people in Espain were rejoicing about it. The against-agenda turned up onto him again when he happened to have the most songs in the internet selection bunch handed to him (THREE!!! Two solo tracks and a duet.), but nothing there was to worry, as instead other favourites were discovered, therefore Miki ended up in the dust for a while. Up until something happened that got him a big surge of votes at the end. Go figure.

Despite all this, I think it’s the right direction for Spain songwise! Me gusta mucho, and not only personally, but also objectively, honestly. Miki’s got a right enough good song for the nation and provided the revamp doesn’t make it crash and burn (yes, the good friend of a Eurovision song - the revamp! It’s happening), it’s safe to say that Spain can stand a chance. Not win, for now, but stand a chance. Yes.

Before I repeat myself some more I’d probably have to add this part for no reason as it came from my Twitter review for “La venda” this time, as I heard songs 1 day before the NF as when I expected the NF to go on Saturday but it was on a Sunday:

BITCH HOW WAS I WRONG. Well mostly thanks to the fact the fanwank-ess of OT ESC Gala actively asked to direct her votes to Miki’s song (Monika Marija teas amirite), but still, WRONG!

Now that I finally composed my thoughts I guess, let’s all go and read the below verdict I’m putting this up for:

Approval factor: I’m giving this a big fat SÍ!

Follow-up factor: Of course I like it way better than “Tu canciYAWN”, there’s no doubt in it :) and after Almaia’s romance advertisement they’re doing a great job by coming back to their great Spanish roots of music, honestly. And it’s better that way than forcing a ship onto a Eurovision 2018 ship, so yeah

Big 5 factor: As of this time Spain lowkey fizzled out with everyone now that a big wave of other faves arised, BUT I don’t think that Spain’s drowning in misery this year, not at all! With right kind of energy of the staging and uplift Spain can totally woo them televoters this time around, making them “lo que ere” their worries away to the sunset. And this is a positive thing - as if juries decide to drown this sometimes and televoters don’t, it will still soar somewhere up high enough in top 15.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

Now, I don’t quite think this year’s OT was quite as memetic as I expected, but we still have had some pre-NF gems, just like this:

• “THEN POLKA”. That one moment was also brought up to her on her OT Eurovision Gala postcard.

• and this one contestant’s gloriously accidental butt-shot

Though we did have a handful of these kind of moments on the Gala itself (and surrounding it), such as:

• NF’s biggest favourite to win songwise not even trying. Yes, there are those NF winners which underperform but only because they don’t seem to know better, but did you know that there are THOSE like María Villar who decide against it? Basically, she was one of those opposing against the situation in Israel with Palestine, so out of protest towards all this, she voluntarily went against doing Eurovision in a nation like this by encouraging her fans to vote for Miki the night before and sacrificing any slightest grains of trying with her performance - by barely dancing on stage and not outselling anything vocally. And it worked to some extent, as she came SECOND only, and shortly after Miki won, she spoke out loud that she was satisfied to not have become the victor (I mean she just thanked everyone for not voting her to ESC lol). But you know what, for situations like these I really do love ESC NFs - where everything predictable is upturned by some sort of events like these. I mean, I like "Muérdeme", it’s catchy, Latino-appealing enough (for those whores thirsty for Luis Fonsi and similar fucks who sing in Spanish on English songs these days), has a cool breakdown and what not, but it would just probably bring back another disappointing result from Eurovision much to fans’ dismay, especially if the Tel Aviv (oh wait sorry... for Maria’s case this would have probably been Limassol or Vienna) edition was to bring many bops for this time around that are BIGGER and BETTER than this one. It’s just happening that it’s unfortunate to be Spain...

• Yet again, putting Famous up on here, but of course he was disappointed to not get that win. I know I’m not the right person to judge considering I’m WHOLE THREE DAYS YOUNGER than him, but I’d still tell him he only had RTVE to blame for giving him THAT in the end and putting him through online voting rounds... and speaking of:

• Like I mentioned before several times, there was an online voting round for to pick-pocket the songs that sounded the best out of the demo-ic snippets of a minute or less. Its top 3 was of course dominated by ladies and their own bangers/just likeable enough songs, with poor Famous being 4th in it (and the top 3 is a must on there to be automatically admitted to the show without any higher-ups shuffling the other competitors ‘round later on and toying with their fates). I liked the complete final cut of the Gala for the most part, but boy did they miss out some, like this male laidback-acoustic pop bop “Sale”, courtesy of Damion Frost. I can at least forgive the loss of “El equilibrio”, but this? Nah siree. And yeah I know this whole shtick is a tire, but I like some of it, and I saw a worse track from the same shtick collection qualifying through higher-ups and that’s NOT boding well with me.

(yes of course Manel happened but still)

• Miki joining the glorious wall of epic NF victory reactions with his O face of total cartooney awkwardness <3

• and Eleni Foureira being able to rock a trashbag as a dress during her guest performance of both “Fuego” and her ‘new’ ‘smash’ hit in partially more Spanish than “Fuego” was - “Tómame”. Granted the juxtapose transition was a little too jarring, but hey - 2 songs for a price of 1. Go get them Spanish audience people acknowledging your pop art Elli <3 (also her chitchat with the ESC Gala host about what do you need to do good in Eurovision <3)

At this point I’m too not fucked to remember more of them but I’m really sure I missed a lot of the OT lulziness that happened before the Gala, during and after it (such as Natalia (who also sang one song in the NF with Miki himself) not wanting ESC but still trying better than Maria). I don’t want to be reminded of them, as my review’s as long as it is. But I’m sure someone else remembers, so I’ll let them judge.

[lindafrancois]

How Do Beginners Get Fit? (3 Ways to Start)

So you’ve decided you want to get fit?

Great!

Now what? There is SOOO much out there, it can be overwhelming.

You end up collecting information for weeks…but take zero action.

If this sounds like you, we understand. It’s frustrating! 

No worries though, you’re in the right place to kick it into gear. We’ve helped thousands of beginners get started (and reach their goals!) as part of our online coaching program. 

Today, I’ll share with you 3 different ways to get things going, that have been tested by nerds just like you. 

Not sure how to take your first step? Click here to learn how we can help.

Here’s what we’ll cover:

How do beginners get fit? (3 ways our clients get started)

“Get Fit” Strategy #1: Exercise

“Get Fit” Strategy #2: Nutrition

“Get Fit” Strategy #3: Mindset

The key to getting in shape: consistency

Let’s jump right in.

How Do Beginners Get Fit?

As Coach Matt discusses above, there are three areas we want to focus on when trying to level up your fitness:

Exercise

Nutrition

Mindset

When someone joins our coaching program, we often think about developing habits around these three pillars.

As I often share with folks when discussing our coaching program:

It’s not just a matter of handing over a bunch of workouts and shoving them out the door – we want to approach people’s goals and fitness more holistically.

What’s the first move in each category?

Well, there’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach when it comes to fitness. 

However, if you twist my arm about it, I will admit that there are a few key habits that I generally have my clients start on.

These habits can be good for a beginner to experiment with as their “first step” for getting in shape.

Let’s go over a few of them now.

“Get Fit” Strategy #1: Exercise

When people decide they want to get in shape, they often start exercising more.

It’s not a bad strategy.

What exercise should we start with?

Our recommended first step here…is actually a first step.

That’s right, a simple walk can be a great way to start exercising. 

Just put on some shoes and head out the door!

Occasionally, I’ll have some clients bulk at this, claiming “That’s not enough! I need to do more!”

While it’s great they’re looking for a challenge, I encourage them not to dismiss the power of walking.

Here’s why:

When we become people that regularly make time for a walk, then we become people who regularly make time for longer workouts too.

In other words, building the habit is the hardest part. Not the exercise itself.

So we start with a walk. Maybe we aim for two or three times a week.

Don’t overthink this – whatever time you can do right now is good. Whether it’s around the block, or to the mailbox and back – just make sure you set the intention and do something.

Plus, the exercise will be good for you too.[1] 

Some members of the Rebellion – like Tim here – have gotten in great shape by focusing on regular walks. 

Here’s our Walking for Exercise Guide for more tips to get started. 

If you already practice a regular walk, then you can explore doing a little bit more of a formal workout.

After you start walking consistently, I recommend you try our Beginner Bodyweight Workout:

This workout can be done right in your living room, without any extra gym equipment.

Also, make sure you also download the Beginner Bodyweight Workout PDF, so you can track your progress and consistency.

I’ll send it on over when you join the Nerd Fitness Rebellion in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Bodyweight Routine Worksheet. No Gym Required!

Complete this workout at home, no equipment required

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing bodyweight exercises

Learn how to finally get your first pull-up

“Get Fit” Strategy #2: Nutrition

Ah, nutrition.

Any claims on proper nutrition will almost always lead to another battle in the ongoing diet wars. 

Like the Clone Wars, but with more broccoli and fewer spaceships. 

Folks on the internet can’t stop arguing about “the best” diet. 

For some it’s Keto. Others Paleo. Or Vegan.

Don’t forget about the Mediterranean Diet. 

When you start googling a bit, you’ll find lots of contradicting information on how to level up your diet.

People will claim you should:

Break up with bread.

Eat less meat.

Stop with all the ice cream.

Tragic. 

In our coaching program, we often DON’T start with any “eat and drink less” talk.

We actually do the opposite, with “eat and drink MORE” talk.

What do we specifically recommend you eat and drink more of?

Water

Vegetables

For our coaching clients trying to get in shape, sometimes we have them start by drinking a glass of water or eating a vegetable at one of their meals. 

When we start with adding – instead of subtracting – we accomplish a few things:

First, it starts creating a more positive association with nutrition.

Next (and related), it tends to be a big mental relief from the constant restrictive nutritional talk that we’re used to hearing.

Lastly, by making a focused effort to add healthy things to our meal, by default, it often replaces other less than healthy things.

This is another step that might seem “too easy” or “not enough” right now, but doing them consistently can still prove challenging.

And doing these things consistently is what’s going to build long-lasting changes.

If you want additional help with these two actions, I have a couple of resources for you:

Guide to Proper Hydration. Not only will tell you how much water to drink, but we’ll also provide tips for staying hydrated all day.

How To Make Vegetables Taste Good. Don’t like veggies? No problem. This guide will show you 10 different ways to make your greens something you enjoy eating. 

But if you’re looking for a “Just tell me what to do!” – then have a glass of water or a vegetable at one of your meals. 

If you’re doing that already – add one of them to another meal. Rinse and repeat.

What’s that? You already drink water and have a vegetable with every meal?

Well, you can work on having your meals look a bit like this:

For more here, check out A Nerd’s Guide to Healthy Eating.

“Get Fit” Strategy #3: Mindset

When people discuss getting fit, it almost always revolves around “diet and exercise.”

A big component that’s overlooked is one’s mindset. 

All the workout and nutritional information in the world won’t help if you’re stressed out and not able to focus on creating habits.

That’s why we also work on stress management with our coaching clients. 

We can start leveling up our mindset by taking one of these steps:

#1) Improving Sleep. 

A good night’s sleep can make everything easier. Conversely, poor sleep consistently can make everything harder.

My clients often have success improving their sleep habits by: 

Avoiding screen time within a half-hour of bed.

Going to bed and waking up at the same time – even on the weekends.

#2) Journaling. 

Grab anything you can write with (even your phone or computer), and write down some reflections from the day. 

You can focus your journal on: 

Any wins you had.

Things you’re grateful for.

Things that frustrated you. 

Your journal is a safe spot for you to get things out of your head and process them, which can quickly reduce stress. 

Personally, capturing my thoughts at the end of the night helps me put the day behind me. Our minds are for creating ideas, not storing them (h/t David Allen).

#3) Meditation. 

Simply close your eyes and focus on taking a few slow, deep breaths.

It sounds almost too easy, but even this quick pause will help you relax and refresh.

It’s not about “emptying your mind”, but instead letting any thought that comes into your head leave just as easily. 

I’ve seen even a brief 5-minute session help some of my clients’ destress after a hectic day. 

You can read a bit more in A Nerd’s Guide to Meditation.

Whichever of these three that you decide for stress management, look to do it consistently several times a week. Just only pick ONE right now.

We’ll work on the others down the road. 

The Key to Getting In Shape: Consistency

If you want to take the first step to level up your life, think about habits around the following:

Exercise – Take a walk a few times a week. Don’t worry about the distance, just worry about the intention and habit.

Nutrition – Add a glass of water or vegetable to one meal. If that feels good, do it again with another meal. 

Mindset – Pick ONE stress management habit. This could be some brief meditation, journaling, or improving your sleep habits. 

That’s it. Simple habits to have you move more, get proper nutrients, and destress a bit.

There’s nothing here that’s going to sound revolutionary.

That’s the point.

The action itself isn’t challenging. The challenge is doing the action consistently. 

So yes, the actions we proposed today might appear easy for you to do.

If that’s the case, then do them. Once you have these habits locked in, we can work on leveling them up to more complex tasks.

Start now, then course-correct later. 

If you want a roadmap for building one habit on top of each other, I got a few options for you.

I’ll share them with you now, because I’m nice like that.

Here are three ways to build healthy habits alongside Nerd Fitness. 

#1) Our Online Coaching Program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn how!

#2) If you want an exact roadmap on how to get in shape, check out NF Journey. Our fun habit-building app helps you exercise more frequently, eat healthier, and level up your life (literally).

You never have to question the next step. Your next new habit will always be one adventure away.

Try your free trial right here:

#3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion.

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our Rebel Starter Kit, which includes all of our “work out at home” guides, an explanation on the 15 Mistakes That Newbies Make, and much more!

Get your Nerd Fitness Starter Kit

The 15 mistakes you don’t want to make.

Full guide to the most effective diet and why it works.

Complete and track your first workout today, no gym required.

Alright, I want to hear from you now:

Have you taken your first step to getting fit?

If so, what helped the most?

If not, what feels like it’s holding you back?

Let me know in the comments!

-Jim

###

Photos from Four Bricks Tall: Into the forest; In 2015, the first woman coach was hired by a Major League Baseball team; Fresh lobster rolls; Violinist Boy; A grape hyacinth

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

Read, “Self-rated walking pace and all-cause, cardiovascular disease and cancer mortality.” Source, British Journal of Sports Medicine.

The post Blog first appeared on Nerd Fitness.

How Do Beginners Get Fit? (3 Ways to Start) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[thedarkestcrew]

Yes yes yes and yes. He may not be a perfect character but he's perfect for Ruby in every sense of the word. He's always waited for her to make the major milestones in their relationship ( kissing, touching( in Betty she touched his hair and THAN he held her hand) , building shelves etc) and let's her know he's ready when ever she is. like kissing her cheek in TDM on their way into east river and letting her know he's thought ahead and prepared in ITA. he knows that Ruby was straight out of a camp and didn't make any big moves towards her because he knew it would overwhelm her. I mean crying out loud she was in a camp for 6 years, and even though he knows thurmoud was 10x worse than caledonia, he never asks her questions about it, never want to take her back to those moments, not because he thinks she can't handle it, but to show her that she shouldn't have to. He knew that if he made any advances on Ruby while in Betty it would have made her feel a bit trapped because they had been forced to travel together and it would have been taken advantage of someone who haven't even had a full conversation with a boy in SIX YEARS.

instead he let her know he was there when she needed him to be, like insisting on driving her to a train station, standing up for her infront of Clancy because he could just TELL she was uncomfortable. like how she was having a break down after Clancy invaded her mind and he wouldn't leave because he knew that's what she needed and shes been isolated for so long that it's the last thing she needs now. like how in NF, even after knowing what Ruby did, he held her hand when she was crying and their song was playing because he needed to show her that it was going to be them. It was always going to be them.

he also says he loves talking to her in ITA, either to show her that she's allowed to comunicate with him or to say that he likes being in the same page as her. He's just so patient and even if he can't understand her powers and how terrified she is of them, he'll still hold her hand, in the same way that Ruby encouraged Zu not to wear her gloves anymore. just ahhhhhhhhh

gee that's long.... I love Liam Stewart for Ruby was my point

“God.” He shook his head, mouth twisting into a shadow of a smile. “Did you know…you make me so happy that sometimes I actually forget to breathe? I’ll be looking at you and my chest will get so tight…and it’s like, the only thought in my head is how much I want to reach over and kiss you.” He blew out a shaky breath. “So don’t talk about getting me out of here, because I’m not leaving, not unless you’re part of the package too.”

I’m rereading TDM and look, Liam doesn’t get to say something like this without me going on an entire rant about how amazing the bond between him and Ruby is and how he’s so amazing in general. They’ve known each other for what, two months? But it doesn’t even feel rushed to me. Liam has always been there for her, even when she (quite literally) pushed him away, he stayed and tried to get her to talk to him and make sure she was going to be okay, because she clearly wasn’t at the time. Ruby faces so many trust issues with people leaving her because of her powers and she believes she isn’t worthy of other people, that she’s some sort of monster that needs to stay away people. But Liam sees who she really is, sees that she just a vulnerable person who is just as human as him. Even when he found out she was an Orange, he didn’t judge her, he just let her explain herself to him to the extent she was comfortable with. Even when she didn’t open up to her, he was patient. Yes they had their ups and downs, but he was so good in helping Ruby open up more and trust herself. And he’s just so selfless. He’d rather stay in danger than leave Ruby behind, even if it might eventually cost him his life. He has his flaws, but Liam is such a great character and a comfort character of mine. He’s not real but his words really impacted me and really made me realise how much you can love someone. I could probably write so much more but this is probably getting boring.

TL;DR Liam is such an amazing character and I love how good he is to Ruby and their relationship is really powerful and I could pull up so many of his quotes that make me really emotional.

[mbti-notes]

(Part 1) Since you are well-versed in personality development and (I assume) spotting personality types, do you find yourself "typing" everyone you meet/observe automatically? Is it second-nature to you? Also, do you find yourself attracted to a certain personality types more than others? Or find yourself put off by some? I apologize if that's too personal. (cont.)

[con’t: I have been wondering what a person’s perspective becomes when they have this much knowledge of how humans work. I’d like to think that if we all had this level of understanding of one another (and ourselves), we’d maybe be more patient and compassionate towards others because we would not only illuminate our own flaws so that we can fix them, but also understand the motives behind people’s actions and why they act the way they do.]

I feel like this should be a conversation, not just a one-off response. Personality theory isn’t my main interest, though I think about it a lot because of this blog. I don’t go around typing people. Humans are prone to implicit bias through stereotyping and I’d rather not nurture lazy thinking in myself. I try to treat people as unique individuals first and foremost. Of course, people sometimes say/do things that scream out a particular function or type and I can’t help but notice. Generally speaking, I only think carefully about type when 1) someone explicitly asks me about it, 2) I’ve encountered a relationship problem and need to analyze it in depth, or 3) I’m watching a film/show and want better understanding of character motivation. As a kid I was often attracted to SPs and put off by TJs (as type theory predicts) but not anymore. I have friends of every type because it is not really type that makes the person great but their level of psychological development and how well they make use of what they have.

As to your second point, I obviously don’t disagree with your sentiment, the world could use more patience and compassion. The only thing I would add is to avoid conflating knowledge and wisdom. Just having information doesn’t mean much. I’ve seen plenty of people use knowledge of type to rationalize, stigmatize, discriminate, or manipulate. I get lots of questions that boil down to “My friend/family/lover is xxxx type, how do I make them do what I want?” I get bitter complaints about certain types as though all individuals of the type are the same. I see people use type to fine-tune their mean attacks “you would believe something so stupid because you’re xxxx type”. Simply knowing about type is rather pointless if you can’t apply the ideas properly. Wisdom involves knowing how to use information in a way that facilitates good, which implies moral understanding. You can be highly intelligent and very knowledgeable but also devoid of moral character. This is why I emphasize psychological development over type itself. At low levels of ego development, your mind is extremely tangled and fragmented, you can’t reconcile all the contradictory aspects of yourself. The default way of avoiding the discomfort of mental fragmentation is repression and denial, but this self-violence eventually becomes real-world violence as you project your issues onto others and use them as a proxy for fighting your personal demons, e.g.:

SJs feel compelled to tangibly safeguard the past because they don’t want to confront their own deep anxieties about change and loss. (“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”)

SPs feel compelled to make everything immediately concrete because they don’t want to confront underlying feelings of insignificance/nothingness. (”Vanity is a defensive quality. It contains an element of fear. It’s a look into the future, into wasting away and death.”)

NTs feel compelled to make the world conform to their theoretical logic because they don’t want to confront the reality of their own irrationality/weakness. (“Many great ideas, great love stories, and great achievements are born from a healthy irrationality.”)

NFs feel compelled to “fix” people or the world because they don’t want to confront their own immorality/imperfection. (“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”)

Type development encourages moral development. If you don’t understand yourself and know the truth of your motivations, you can’t know if your beliefs/actions are truly good, in which case whatever “compassion” you show could be just a show. You can do very selfish things that end up producing good moral consequences in the world, but can you call yourself a “moral” person? Truly moral action must also come from pure intention. The first step in making your intentions transparent is to be honest in acknowledging that your intentions are NOT always pure. If you can’t admit that, then you’re in denial, and people in denial do weird and harmful things. No amount of knowledge will help a person grow as long as they keep projecting or deflecting their own shadow away.

Type theory is just a way to observe and systematize differences between people so that we can develop a language to bridge those differences; learning about type helps you transcend your perspective to see into someone else’s. This should ideally foster compassion but not always, not if you don’t understand what those differences mean or why they exist, not if you fear that your perspective will somehow be invalidated, not if you fear opening yourself up to being changed by another. Human nature is complicated in the real world and I often feel my thoughts quite trite when I have to talk about it in the abstract. Whenever I’m confident in having understood some “truth” about humans, something will inevitably happen to let me know that my understanding is shallow, so I have learned to value the “looking” more than the “conclusion”. My old prof used to say that you stop learning the day you think you know, which is a lesson I have cherished and it has taken me far intellectually. The way that I speak displays more confidence than I actually feel, mainly because I’m used to speaking persuasively after too many years of teaching debate and stubborn students, but the truth is, the more I learn about human nature, the more I realize that I won’t live long enough to learn everything I hope to learn. That’s a small glimpse into my mindset.