#remember that whole mentally stable thing I also mentioned in the post? yeah.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sineala · 4 years

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I was going through an 2009 era livejournal post where it was mentioned that most of Tony's relationship were 'sexual form of self-flagellation'. With that out I love Whitney/Tony in a relationship, is there any way you can see that working out?

Oh, man, anon. This makes me regret that I have not yet posted the story that was going to be my Cap-IM RBB last year, because I literally have a 150,000-word answer to this question in the form of fanfiction. The short answer to this question is: no.

(The longer answer: HELL NO.)

If you want me to get more complicated than that, I will say that, in all fairness, there is an era of canon in which I could have seen Whitney/Tony actually working out. But that eventually ended, and for me there's a point of no return after which any chance of this being a good, healthy, or lasting relationship becomes impossible. And since then, Whitney's grasp on reality has gradually declined to the point where I don't think that she's currently mentally capable of seeing Tony as anything other than someone who could be a personal possession of hers, a thing, an object, a prize, rather than as a living human being with his own agency. (Basically, Marvel seems to have taken a look at her and thought, "Wow, she's crazy," and it's... kept getting worse. And worse.)

Let me now provide a brief summary of the Whitney/Tony relationship, because I went and read at least fifty issues so I could write the story that none of you have read yet. Anyway. This got long enough that I think I will use a Read More.

So Whitney first appears in comics way way back in Tales of Suspense v1 #97, and continues appearing in early Iron Man v1, where she meets Tony for the first time, but also has a bunch of feelings for Jasper Sitwell. (Note to MCU fans: Sitwell is not secretly Hydra. He is a big nerd, though.)

The Whitney/Tony relationship really kicks off in Iron Man v1 #17-19, one of my personal favorite arcs, in which a LMD Tony builds attempts to become Iron Man (this is always a good plot) and Whitney kidnaps Tony because she initially thinks he's the LMD, and she's working with Midas, who wants to use the LMD to infiltrate SI. It's great.

By this point Whitney has incurred her Tragic Facial Scars and has her mask, but Tony doesn't care about the scars and, as we see in #19, is clearly interested in her anyway. He's very sweet.

She appears a few times after that, basically leaves him for Sitwell, and then comes back in a big way in Iron Man v1 #91, posing as Krissy Longfellow, his new secretary. Whom he asks out, yes. Eventually Tony finds out who she is, and by Iron Man v1 #104 or thereabouts, they are definitely in love, Tony takes her to a house he grew up in, and also Whitney reveals that she knows that Tony is Iron Man. Which she is fine with.

Then they kiss very dramatically, and it is the most unintentionally-hilarious kiss I have ever seen, because neither of them take off their masks:

I like to yell CLANK CLANK whenever I read this.

By the next issue, #105, they are very seriously together:

They are together for about ten more issues, and this is the era of canon where I think it honestly could have worked out for them. Sure, Tony is contemplating abandoning being Iron Man and an Avenger, so he'd have to come around on that, but this is when they were at their healthiest, generally speaking. They were in love. They were happy. They were happy right up until #116, when Count Nefaria (Whitney's father) died, and she blamed Tony for her father's death and left him:

So I think that was pretty much it for their shot at having a stable, healthy relationship. Because after that Whitney basically... is evil. And I think there could be, as you say, an element of "sexual self-flagellation" in there, because Tony does still care for her as a person, although I don't see that he's necessarily interested in a romantic relationship with her again. He just wants her to be good again. He wants to help her be the good person he thinks she can be, but after this point she pretty much starts to lose her grip on reality, and I don't think she's capable of being that person.

Every subsequent appearance of Whitney in volume 1 was later retconned as being a clone (because comics gonna comics), but every time she shows up in it it's basically to seek revenge for the death of her father (who of course comes back to life, but that's comics for you) and also to get Tony back, because no one else could possibly love him as much as she does. She tries to kidnap Bethany Cabe. She works with Obadiah Stane against Tony. She tries to bodyswap herself into Bethany to get close to Tony. You get the idea. These are not the actions of a particularly stable person.

But one of the more agonizing things about Whitney -- at least, one of the things that I assume is most agonizing to Tony -- is that she could have been good. Maybe she can't be now, but at one point the capacity existed in her, and we know that because one of her clones, Masque, is in fact a very good person. Toward the end of volume 1, Masque actually ends up joining the Avengers. And I would think it's very hard for Tony to know about Masque and not think that Whitney could have been her, that there's some way he could have helped Whitney become that person, if only he'd known how, whether or not that is actually possible for him to do. (Hint: it's not.) I think he blames himself for not being able to save her. Maybe that's more of the same self-flagellation.

Meanwhile, Whitney does things like lock herself in a bunker in Nevada with a bunch of her clones, which does not strike me as a great move, sanity-wise. In The Nefaria Protocols in v3 (Avengers v3 #32-34, Thunderbolts v1 #43-44), she teams up with the Avengers to fight her father, but she's not sure whether she can trust them at first.

Avengers v3 #33 is actually really sympathetic toward her; the whole thing is narrated from her POV:

Eventually she ends up attempting to betray the Avengers and get them all killed, and she is stopped only when Masque shows up and sacrifices herself to prevent her doing so, at which point Whitney decides maybe she should save the Avengers after all before leaving. I think this is probably the nicest that canon has been to her in years, and she still nearly murders all the Avengers in the process.

After that she has a few other appearances, the most salient of which is probably World's Most Wanted (Invincible Iron Man v1 #8-19), in which, as we all know, she kidnaps Tony and is generally obsessed with him. Here in Invincible Iron Man v1 #16, Tony is in the middle of having his brain deleted and yet he still remembers that Whitney is not the best person, and she would really like to run away together with him because she apparently thinks that's a thing that's going to happen:

She shows up again in Bendis' run and as far as I can remember she's portrayed pretty similarly there. She's trying to steal magical artifacts. She and Tony meet up. She tries to kill him. The usual. There's a nice splash page in Invincible Iron Man v2 #2:

Her most recent relevant appearance is actually, if you can believe it, a few months ago, in Doctor Strange: Surgeon Supreme #5 and #6. Someone has been stealing magical weapons from Strange and selling them on the black market and -- surprise surprise -- it's Whitney.

(I was actually very surprised, yes. She is, uh, not typically one of Strange's villains.)

Whitney, you see, wants to be loved:

So she's selling all these weapons because, yes, she wants to be loved. By Tony.

What the hell, Whitney? How exactly is that going to work?

Anyway, Strange needs to neutralize the magical weapons, and to do that he needs to enter Whitney's mind to find the code that will do that, and, well, this is what the inside of Whitney's mind is like:

Her mind is one hundred percent made up of her obsession with Tony. This is it. This is her brain. She is a mess. She is out of touch with reality.

And you'll never guess what the code is. Or maybe you will.

She thinks that she's in love with Tony. And she thinks that this is what love is. And she is very clearly not okay.

Because Strange is a doctor and is determined to try to help people, he offers her a new mask that will heal her:

Whitney declines:

She runs away. And that's the last we have seen of her.

So, yeah. Based on all of this, I am of the opinion that Whitney/Tony cannot possibly work out at this point in canon, because -- although she still believes she loves him -- she is very obviously no longer mentally capable of understanding what love actually is, and she's not looking to change that. We have literally seen inside her mind, so we can in fact know what she thinks. She just wants to possess Tony. And that's not going to be good for anyone.

Would she have been better than this if she'd stayed with Tony instead of leaving him when her father died? Maybe. We can't know. A lot of her instability seems to revolve around her inability to possess Tony, and, well... she would have had Tony, so maybe that wouldn't have happened. Or maybe she would have become consumed by possessing him even more. There's no way to know. And given that she's capable of this kind of break with reality, it's also possible that if it hadn't been Tony, it might have been something else entirely as a focus for her delusional thinking, and at any rate she's clearly not interested in receiving the psychological help that she definitely needs.

Man, do I love reading about her, though. And someday I swear I will post this 150,000-word fic about why they should never, ever, ever get back together.

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marcilled · 4 years

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5 years

It was 5 years ago today that a humble little minecraft server first opened its gates. 5 years ago, I started @quixol with a team of 8 friends. Today, only 4 of those original friends are still on our Staff team, and the server is a shadow of its former self.

There’s a lot I could talk about with Quixol, but before I get into it, I just want it to be known that this is a highly personal post from me. This isn’t an official announcement, but seeing as I’m an admin, it’s definitely of pertinence if you are someone who is a part of the Quixol community.

If you’re new to following me, or just don’t know what I’m talking about: Quixol is a trans-friendly minecraft server started by me and a few pals back on November 16, 2015. It’s primarily populated by folks from here on Tumblr, and is an LGBT+ only community. Over its 5 years, it’s gotten over 1600 unique players. And... Well, there’s a lot of history that took place during and after that, I can’t hope to summarize it here. You can see more on the about page on our blog.

So, yeah. Today is the 5-year anniversary of Quixol. Pretty big deal! And... we have nothing in store for today to celebrate that huge milestone. Pretty big bummer. The prior 4 years, the anniversary was the single biggest celebration of the year. We typically tried to schedule large server updates to coincide with the anniversary, just to make it feel that much more special. So, on the day that marks a whole half-decade of being online, why do we have no plans? It’s a long, complicated story. I’ll only be able to tell you my side of it. Everything written below is from my perspective, and doesn’t necessarily reflect how others think or feel.

Regardless of the lonely feeling on the server now, I just want to say, I’m really glad I could host such a fantastic community for so many years. Thank you everyone who has made the past half decade so special.

Long retrospective below (plus, discussion about Quixol’s future):

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Where to begin... All I can say at the start here is, don’t expect anything coherent, I typed this up while sleep deprived just the night before posting this, without much forethought of what I’d say in it. I just feel I need to get these feelings off my chest before I can mentally move on, you know.

Before I delve into this, I just want to put this sort of disclaimer at the top here: Despite how gloomy I make things sound throughout this post, Quixol is and was an amazing place, that I’m so glad to say I got to play such a pivotal role in. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything. It’s been an honor to serve as an Admin over such an incredible community. I’ve seen countless new friendships forged, plenty of laughs and fun times to be had... I’ve even known several couples that met through their time on Quixol, I’ve known several people that came out or discovered more about their identity/gender/sexuality while on Quixol. It’s a great community, despite its flaws, and what we did over these past 5 years is nothing short of spectacular. I’m forever thankful for everyone who helped make this place as special as it is- you’ve all been such great friends. Thank you.

While I may speak a great deal about some of the lowest lows that happened on Quixol, you better believe it had some of the highest highs as well. Keep that in mind, so you know why I’m spending this much time and effort to commemorate this server that I’ve called home for so long.

I’ll start here with a rough timeline of Quixol... I’ll even include some screenshots for you all.

Old World (Nov. 2015 - Mar. 2017, mc 1.8 - 1.9)

Quixol began back in 2015 like I mentioned- whitelisted at first, but moved on to being unwhitelisted at a later date (I believe it was summer of 2016). Hundreds of people joined after the whitelist was removed, in just the first month or so. We owe that initial success to how much our blog post about the server got shared around, it served as a nice advertisement for the server. It was only posted to tumblr, so everybody who joined then was from the same sort of social sphere of 2016 tumblr. It was pretty lively, and we made lots of friends very quickly. A lot never logged in again after the first initial burst, but a fair amount stuck around.

The server started on minecraft version 1.8, which was before the end update that introduced elytra & all the controversial combat changes. Most people never even saw the server on this version, though, since it was still whitelisted when we updated to 1.9. The world we used back in 2015-2016 eventually got deleted at a later date, however we did provide an archive of this old world to download, it’s... somewhere on our blog, you can go find it if you poke around a bit. (Assuming the download hasn’t been removed from the website I uploaded it to, which would make sense since it’s just 20 gb sitting on some server doing nothing).

While there was plenty of merriment, there was also the fair share of drama. I can’t even hope to recall all the drama that happened in 2016, but one of our og mods got banned completely after the rest of the staff sort of woke up to the realization they were incredibly abusive. There’s lots of other stuff that happened then- I wish I could tell the “full tale” as it were, but it would be so long-winded that almost nobody would bother to read. Plus, my memory isn’t very good, so I would need to dig through old blog posts, discord messages, screenshots, etc etc to jog my memory... way too much work.

Protos (Mar. 2017 - Nov. 2018, mc 1.11 - 1.12)

2017 came around, and that’s when we updated the server to 1.11 and created a new world (Protos). That update happened on March 26, 2017- I remember because march 26th is my birthday, and the other staff made a cute little celebration for me on that day and I literally cried from how happy I was. It was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a long time. (God, I miss those times.)

A lot more happened during this time period, and honestly I’d consider the period in which Protos was our main, active world to be the most consistently active the server has ever been. It wasn’t always exploding with activity, but the people who joined and played during this time were consistent. And we had a relatively consistent influx of new players.

There was a lot more drama that happened during this time... More staff members left, mostly of their own accord (but never on a wholly positive note). Drama amongst some of the veteran/long-time players, arguments over how to interpret and enforce our rules.

Regardless of the troubles, I’d say this period was overall quite positive for Quixol. We even brought in our first batch of new staff members during this period.

Ghalea (Nov. 2018 - Present, mc 1.13 - 1.15)

I believe late 2018 was when we updated the server from 1.12 to 1.13. We rushed the update to this version quite a lot, which was a shame since it ensured the server had an egregious amount of bugs to work out, and lots of missing plugins/functionality. With this update, we made another new world (and, our current main world): Ghalea.

Regardless of buggy behavior, we managed to hit what I believe is the all-time peak concurrent player count we have ever gotten, which is something like 54-56 players playing at the same time. The server chugged so hard, I’m surprised it didn’t crash. All of those parties were so stressful to put on, but at the same time, incredibly fun and fulfilling to see when lots of people showed up and had a good time.

Funny, though: despite the success of the server, 2018 and early 2019 are the closest the server has ever gotten to absolutely tearing itself apart from internal staff drama. By early-mid 2019, several staff members ended up getting banned one after the other. So that left us with very few staff by that point (only 6 active staff, myself included, if I remember correctly).

2019 should have been a great year for Quixol, seeing as it was what many people referred to as the “minecraft renaissance”, “the great minecraft revival”, etc etc etc. However, the drama amongst the staff, coupled with drama in our personal lives, and just an all around lack of staff members to kick things into gear, resulted in a pretty lackluster year compared to the previous 4 years.

Despite all of that, we worked tirelessly to complete our greatest project yet, Chroma Park, just before our 4th anniversary on Nov 16th, 2019. It took a whole team of builders to complete, and several months in preparation/building.

With such a grand project completed, you would expect it would result in a flurry of new activity on the server... unfortunately, it ended up being almost the opposite. Because we called upon our “build team” to help with it, (several talented veteran players who volunteered their building skills), nearly all of our active players suffered some serious burnout after the major project they just completed. Lots of people just weren’t feelin’ up to minecraft anymore... And, that spelled the beginning of the end, really.

The culmination of this was that, going into 2020, activity on the server just... plummeted. Then, we all know what a shit year 2020 turned into. That just furthered feelings of burnout. I made another personal post about this, back in April- explaining why I had been relatively absent from the server for a while. It goes into more detail about the “hiatus” at that time, what caused it, why it continued so long, and how my personal feelings were at that time. Give it a read if you want. It even goes more in-depth about some of Quixol’s former staff, and how toxic behavior from them may have negatively impacted the community (especially in 2018-2019).

So, basically nothing has happened on Quixol in 2020... I took the time to update the server from 1.14 to 1.15 back in July, just so that the server was on a more stable version of minecraft- but all the effort poured into that resulted in basically nothing happening. Barely anyone even noticed, because it was such a minor update focusing on bug fixes. I hoped it would get the ball rolling again, but it just wasn’t enough.

While I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, I decided it was for the best if I put any plans on the backburner for a while, and focus more attention on building infrastructure back up again. I spent some time researching sysadmin stuff, and looking into upgrading my PC. I set up a new discord bot that we’re currently using on Quixol, & have in a few other discord servers I’m active in.

Then, I got tossed one of the most difficult months of my life in a long time pretty recently. It’s very recent/fresh, but suffice it to say, a decent chunk of what made it such a horrible month was related to drama within the Quixol friend group, particularly... me being a shitty friend. I made another post about this a while back, but I won’t link it since it’s a bit vague and not super relevant to what I’m talking about here. Just know, September this year pretty much demolished any feelings of hope I had for continuing work on Quixol.

So, that leads us to... Today. The 5th anniversary of Quixol.

Where did it all go wrong?

Now that I’ve laid out as quick a summary of the past 5 years as I could, I want to talk about some of the mistakes we made along the way. The people that made Quixol what it is, and how that history always seems to tie me down.

To tell you the truth, saying that “it all went wrong” sounds horribly pessimistic to me. Sure, I felt pessimistic going into writing this, but... Just looking back on everything we’ve accomplished, there’s never really a point where it “went wrong”. Moreso, Quixol has had its fair share of flaws baked in from the very beginning. But, perhaps those flaws are what made it what it really is. I can’t go back and change the past, and neither can you. Perhaps the best we can do is just accept Quixol for what it is, and acknowledge its shortcomings while allowing ourselves to feel happy about the good memories we do have.

While I’m not going to cast away every pleasant memory I have of Quixol, I must admit I find so many of them tainted and forever changed, just because of how many people entered this community, made their stay known, then left or were cast away on a sour note. There are countless people that were a huge part of Quixol, of my life, my friends, that I don’t speak to anymore. People that hate me. Maybe even some that I hate.

If I go back and think fondly of those times, I remember how the people in those memories largely don’t think fondly of me anymore. I remember all of my mistakes, all of the ways I could have avoided that outcome. All the ways I could have worked with those friends, to work out our differences, to just fucking communicate. Sure... some of those friends, there was nothing I could do for them. Nothing I could do to make things work. But, all the same... it stings, thinking of everyone I used to know. Not knowing who is still a friend, or who simply has no need for me anymore...

So much of Quixol’s history is tied up in knots this way. Complicated webs of emotion, suffocating in the tethers to its past. So many things built on the server, just wasting away, never to be touched again... New players won’t even know it. They don’t know, can’t know the history behind those blocks that were placed. It sounds a bit silly talking about it this way, but that’s how it feels to me. There’s real history behind each of these blocks, all of the little farms and structures and silly signs. So much of it, nobody even knows. But it wears on my heart, knowing all of that history, and feeling so disconnected from it. Feeling cast away by the people who forged those memories.

It’s a disconnect that’s always hurt, to me. Maybe I’m just too sentimental, nostalgic. Maybe I cling to the past too much. But it feels impossible to ignore... So much of what made Quixol what it is today was left there by people who want nothing to do with me, us, anymore. What does that say about Quixol? About me...? About our group?

There’s a lot I could say about this, but it’s stuff I’ve mentioned before. I hang on too tightly to the past, and am often too critical of my own mistakes. But, sometimes the past is just the way it is, and there’s not much that can be done about it. Regardless, I find myself feeling regrets about every little thing that went wrong, and thinking about where all those people are now... Maybe one of them is even reading this right now. If you’re out there, hey. We can still talk. I’m not going to hold a grudge on you forever. It’s ok.

My influence

Since Quixol began in 2015, I’ve tried my best to be nothing more than an “Admin” of Quixol... not the “owner” or “lead admin” or “founder”, just “admin”. I hoped I could encourage the other admins to be leaders in their own rights. While each of the admins we’ve had has been great leaders in their own respect, I feel that every one of them has been, unfortunately, tied down by my influence to some extent.

In most aspects of life, I’m a very timid, indecisive person. I’m incredibly anxious, and lack confidence to a worrying degree. However, a different side of me can be seen in the safe, comfortable environment that Quixol provided for me. Surrounded by friends and people who I felt really got me, I became comfortable enough to show some level of confidence in myself... In all honesty, for a long time, I was never able to recognize this self confidence for what it was. I really was not, and mostly still am not, used to feeling confident in myself or my own abilities. Like, at all. So when I actually feel good about myself, like I actually know what I’m doing... Well, for a really long time, I didn’t even process it as such. I just felt like I knew the right answers, and that was it.

On Quixol, this often manifested in a specific way... Being proud of my own knowledge & skills with minecraft, I would insert myself into any discussion about Minecraft, the server, or just anywhere I could, and offer up my knowledge, opinions & help. This hardly sounds like a problem, but... The problem was just in my unwavering presence. I was everywhere on Quixol, you couldn’t escape me. I dominated the space with my presence. Not that I interrupted people (usually...?), I just would try to put myself anywhere a conversation was happening, assuming it was, like, appropriate for me to do so on some level.

Whenever I chimed in with my thoughts, eventually there became this sort of air of almost... superiority about it. This feeling that my word was “final”, or that I had some layer of expertise on everything, and that if I said what you said was right, that was a pretty good indicator you were on the right track. I didn’t pretend like I was infallible, and I don’t think anyone ever saw me as that. But the perception was generally that if Vivian says it, that holds weight to it. Perhaps this is somewhat unavoidable of a staff member, but... it was this way even amongst the staff.

I never really realized that I was creating this environment within the community, because it happened rather slowly. But as things moved along, other staff began to pick up on this (perhaps subconsciously). Including even the other admins. Quickly, my own insistence on doing things a Specific Way, became “the Right Way” to do things on Quixol... Whether I intended it or not.

Now, this is something I didn’t know until quite recently, but I actually have OCD (undiagnosed, but it’s glaringly obvious to me at this point). My ocd comes out in minecraft, and specifically Quixol, quite a lot. I have very ritualistic ways of doing things, whether it be while building a project in-game, to managing specific parts of the server- we have a very detailed format in which update logs are written, and I have very specific rituals related to updating plugins on the server, taking backups, etc. Even just the way I play survival minecraft has sorts of rituals in a way, like specific patterns in which I place torches. I’m not too educated on ocd, so excuse me if I’m using some terminology of this wrong, or if I’m spreading some sort of misinformation about it. This is just my experience.

Anyhow, with the extremely regimented way I manage things on the server, coupled with my constant presence in things, you can understand how this might lead to other admins, who have their own mental illness issues, to become very averse to doing a lot of admin-related duties. After months and months, years, even, of this sort of stuff... and... yeah. That leads to where we are now.

With my selfish behavior in the past, I’ve unintentionally created this staff environment where people are reluctant to make their own decisions, show their own creativity, etc. And that must feel incredibly frustrating if you actually want to do something to make a difference on Quixol...

I’m not even accounting for all the times I’ve butted heads with the other staff before, either. While much less frequent, I’ve definitely had arguments with folks in the past. And with the great amount of influence I hold over the server, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to what I say.

I’ve always resented that I hold this position of power over everyone else, and tried many times to address it. However, I don’t think I ever quite had a full picture of why things were this way. Now, I think I understand it better. Sadly, it feels too little, too late to make any significant changes without uprooting pretty much everything we have set in place already. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m being too pessimistic here... But, this is how I feel at the present moment.

I’m sincerely sorry to any current or former staff members, who have wanted to do something great for Quixol, but felt they could never convince me to go through with your idea... Or who felt pushed away from doing something they otherwise would’ve liked to, just because the attitude I gave, the environment my presence created, made you feel like you weren’t good enough or qualified enough to do it. You are good enough. I’m so sorry that my actions made you convinced otherwise...

I will say, this sort of mindset of mine, that I have to be the Most Right about anything relating to minecraft, or any hyperfixation/special interest of mine, has caused problems elsewhere, too. I talked about this in another post I made. I’ve only really come to realize all this stuff within the past few months, but I’ve been a really terrible friend to a lot of people. I never even realized until recently just how often I struggle with empathy, and how that’s colored so many of my friendships. Needless to say, it’s affected things on Quixol before, sometimes without me even realizing it.

My influence over the community also means if anybody’s relations with me in particular ever become marred, it must inevitably result in them leaving the community because there’s simply no escaping me. There’s not really anything I can do about this, though, aside from doing whatever I can to become a kinder, more

I’m far from a perfect person, and my imperfections seeped into so much of what made Quixol what it is. However, it’d be silly to suggest that I’m the singular reason that Quixol is flawed, if anything, that would be another form of arrogance- assuming that I singlehandedly shaped the way Quixol took form. No, it was always a team effort, and every single staff and community member held great influence of their own.

The Future

This part is probably why many of you clicked on this post... You want to know what’s going to happen to Quixol. You likely noticed I’ve been referring to Quixol in the past tense a lot in this post. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did that, it just felt the most natural to type it that way. But, I will be honest- the future of Quixol right now isn’t looking very bright.

This is a personal post, so I don’t want to deliver any sort of formal announcement about plans for Quixol here, especially since I haven’t run this post by the other staff before posting it.

For the past 2 and a half months, I’ve been taking a very long break from Quixol. Much greater than any previous break of mine... I’ve neglected to even log in for weeks at a time. I still keep an eye on the discord server, and check the mc <-> discord bridge channel to see which players have been logging in. But I have little to no motivation to play, even just casually.

While I’d love to give you some fun cool news about how this hiatus is ending soon and I have a million and one projects planned, that simply isn’t the case. I’ve gotten to this point where I’m rethinking everything about myself, who I am, and what I’m doing with my life. Surely, I can’t dedicate all my time and energy to running a minecraft server for the rest of my life, even though I do care deeply about this community. But at the same time, it’s not really my call to shut down Quixol, and I’d hate to pull the plug just because of my own lack of motivation.

So, for the time being at least, you can probably consider Quixol to be on a sort of “indefinite hiatus”. I am generally the one to update plugins, do major server updates, etc., and I likely won’t be doing any of that any time soon. I fully entrust the other staff to handle that stuff if they really want to, and I’ve expressed that to them already. But as things stand, nobody else seems to want to pick up the torch right now. Shit is rough for pretty much everyone, and we’re all equally burnt out. We’ve all grown up quite a lot since Quixol began, too. So... Don’t expect anything anytime soon.

If there are any updates, they’ll come in our Discord server first.

As for me, personally... I just need time away from all of this. It’s clearer than ever to me that I have a lot of personal problems I need to work on, and I think that the cozy safe environment provided by Quixol didn’t challenge me enough to really address those issues. I need time to focus on myself & my own growth. At the same time, I also feel like I need more experience being a part of a team, instead of just running the show. I’m not getting the kind of enrichment I need from running Quixol, so I’m trying to turn my attention elsewhere.

I’m doing this not because I want to abandon you guys, or because I feel like I want/need to move on from this community. It’s just... Something I need to do, for myself. And I’ll still be around, I’m still gonna be posting to my tumblr & twitter and stuff, and you can still reach me on discord. I’m just focusing my time elsewhere for once.

What does that mean for the future of Quixol? I don’t really know yet. But, for now, it’s not going anywhere. It’s just... also not changing anytime soon. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry to give you this disappointing news, but I hope you all understand.

I miss the good times on Quixol, too. I really do. Maybe we can share them again sometime? Who knows...

For now, that’s all.

It breaks my heart that we don’t have anything glitzy and glamorous to do to celebrate Quixol’s 5th anniversary... But it would be asking far too much of the staff to set anything like that up right now. Maybe we can have some sort of celebration later...? I dunno.

I hope you’re all staying safe & healthy out there. Thank you so much for reading this. I love all of you.

Happy birthday, Quixol.

#vivi bleats #txt #Quixol #long post

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scientistowengottlieb-newtkelly · 4 years

Note

Thoughts and feelings about Pacific Rim 2?

you sure you wanna open up that particular can of worms?

movie review time! be warned i'm not in a good mood as i am shaking in pain, however this review would have been scathing regardless. and none of this is to say pacific rim is perfect, it's not, but... aye, i have no words for the world of difference there. oh wait! i do:

so. first and foremost, i hate it. as both a movie and a sequel. did i find it entertaining? yes, mildly, so i suppose it did its job, however the only thing that keeps me watching it is because, simply, it's part of the pacific rim franchise whether we like it or not. therefore, i squeeze as much salvageable content from it as i can, such as how one might analyze the precursors, how we are to view hermann and newt as characters pre-, during, and post-uprising, what we are to expect from drifting (though this one i take with a grain of salt, there is a whole other rant preserved for the joke of an attempt to develop that shit within the movie)

one of my biggest issues with pacific rim is really simple: it plays out like DeKnight did not watch the first fucking movie or was scrolling through twitter while doing it and decided he'd make a cash grab since the first one was relatively popular. "haha the kaiju were going for mount fuji the whole time!!" bitch no they weren't!!! why the fuck did they end up anywhere near sydney, australia, then!!! why did they turn tail on places like manila and san fran instead of heading straight for japan!!! WHY DID THE ONE THAT WAS IN JAPAN NOT SUCCEED, THERE'S NO WAY WITH THOSE MARK 1 JAEGERS THEY'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REASONABLY FIGURE OUT THEIR PLAN AND WHERE THEY WERE GOING IN TIME TO STOP THEM!!! newt literally lays out what they are doing in the first movie and they completely ignored that!!! not to mention, if the destruction from elements found in mount fuji would have been enough to terraform the earth, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST FUCKING DO THAT WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY ON EARTH AGES AGO??? THERE WERE VOLCANOES WITH THOSE SAME ELEMENTS BEFORE RIGHT NOW, VOLCANOES ARE NOT A RELATIVELY NEW THING EARTH CREATED SUDDENLY AND I WOULD IMAGINE NEITHER ARE THOSE ELEMENTS!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! and.... okay the fucking drones. how did those bitches make breaches??? we know the breach is some result of precursor/kaiju technology, apparently they know the breach's atomic structure as hermann said in the first movie, but how tf some kaiju organs and tech from earth only is ALL it takes to open a breach... illudes and confuses me... why were no more breaches made by the precursors once they realized how long and how many resources it was taking to kill the humans off??? if it's??? shit they could do with simple earth materials + their own biology??? they could have ended things much faster??? shit just doesn't add up, idk, that was Vague and Annoyed Me

and the jaegers.... were....... strange? the fight scenes were so underwhelming, i could count on one hand the number of maneuvers—NOT SCENES, MANEUVERS—i thought were badass and moved well. their fighting was confusing and paced really weird and some of the moves they pulled... don't... work like that... like some of those scenes were just hand-to-hand combat but in big robot form and they didn't sit right with me at all.

and the characters......... oh my word, the characters. look: i love jake pentecost with all of my heart and soul and john boyega's beautiful acting just barely saves the movie from its poor writing. i do love him as a character. but can someone explain to me why in the world they thought it was a good idea to make the only black guy a black market thief/runner, deep-record criminal with daddy and authority issues, and who they dare try to play off as some kind of lazy??? they made him every stereotype they could and said "yeah let's go with that". i'm- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and what was with the child soldiers??? ROBOCOPS?????? mako....... character assassination at its worst........ my baby......... but the movie was paced so GOD DAMN POORLY I GOT BORED AND LITERALLY MISSED HER DYING THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED IT. and i couldn't tell you the names of half of those poor damn kids, i really couldn't. and can i also say they killed off one of the only two darker skinned kids?? like y'all???? the other darker skinned kids (one of the children i can't remember the names of because it was uttered ONCE in the entire movie or some shit) didn't even GET characterization. my whole heart goes out to her and those other underdeveloped fucks. speaking of...... i am ashamed about jules. from the movie that brought us the mako mori test, they threw in a girl simply for the sake of some shitty, awkward, and unexplained love triangle between jake and White Angst without much else to put to her name. she deserved better. amara was... a decent shot, but very hit or miss because of the writing. i, personally, am very neutral about her leaning towards liking her, but i know people who swing love and who swing hate. liwen was like,,,, they tried really hard to make her unlikable at the beginning because "oh no, she must be the villain! GOTTEM plot twist!!!" and then suddenly she's no longer. threatening everyone except newt. idk i feel like they leaned to heavily one way and i got whiplash when she's actually another but there was nothing to... portray that. at all. i do like her character, and that says a lot because they got me to sympathize with a capitalist without actually regretting it later, but there could/should have been More there. she was powerful, though, in multiple different aspects, and we saw that from her CONSISTENTLY and i 😳🥵👀💕 mako mori test pass for her

now, let's talk about hermann (and by extention, newton, however he'll be getting a section all his own the rat bastard). that man is one of the single instances of decent cross-movie characterization i saw in the whole god damn film. the idea that he takes on newton's roles, that he is more outspoken for himself, that he is just slightly more unhinged after his drift with newton: THAT is on point. he's himself, you can see it, you still know that he's hermann with ever step, but there's something that has shifted in him in those 10 years and it's good without being too much. the "i still get nightmares" scene, the way he presents himself, that scene gives me chills because god bless burn gorman and his acting ability. every face and intonation of his voice is just wonderful and i think his performance was great for what he was given. king shit.

the biggest disappointment of my life came in the form of a kaiju vest wearing bitch at work. at his corporate job. as a boss. for a tech company that undermines all of his and, frankly, hermann's work over their lifetimes. 10 years older and exaggerated to the teeth. newton "move you fascist" geiszler. let me preface this by stating for all to see that i do not hate the idea of newton being the villain. story wise it was a bold move and there was something possible there. BUT THE IMPLICATION THAT ONE OF THE MOST OBVIOUSLY NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS HAVING A "BORDERLINE MANIC PERSONALITY" AKA HAVING ONE OF THE MOST DEMONIZED MENTAL ILLNESSES OUT THERE, ENDS UP ACTING AS THE GOD DAMN VILLAIN OF THE STORY IS A HOT GARBAGE TAKE WHEN YOU FACTOR IN THINGS LIKE POOR WRITING NOT MAKING IT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT NEWTON IS EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN FACULTIES AND THE VAGUENESS OF "WILL HE BE 'REDEEMED' OR NOT" BEING UP IN THE AIR LIKELY NEVER TO BE CANONICALLY FUCKING ANSWERED BECAUSE BECKHAM AND DEKNIGHT SHAT OUT A MOVIE THAT BOMBED IN THE BOX OFFICE. we aren't even gonna TALK about the fact that this bitch got AWAY with it despite not even acting in a remotely stable way comparable to himself in the first movie in the 10 years he supposedly dropped off the map from all of his friends because, clearly, hermann hadn't seen him or he wouldn't be so excited with a picture of the two of them on his desk, nor would he have to tell newton about his idea for rocket thrusters with kaiju blood fuel because he would have simply written to him about it. for some strange reason people see his ass show up decked out in a suit he wouldn't even wear for Stacker Fucking Pentecost and a behavior of "Haha Gotta Listen To The Boss" and think "ah, yes, well, time changes a person. THIS BITCH HAS APPARENTLY BEEN LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME, YOU THINK HE GOT A JOB WITH LIWEN LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE HE DID BEFORE AND THERE WAS A SHIFT OVER TIME? NO, HE HAD TO HAVE CHANGED IN A SPLIT DECISION AND LIED ABOUT HIMSELF THROUGH HIS TEETH AND NO ONE CONTACTED HIM, OR WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM, OR DECIDEDLY THOUGHT "YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE EMBOLDENED THAT HE SAVED THE WORLD, BUT I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HIM AND HE WOULD DO HIS BEST TO AMPLIFY HIS CURRENT STANDING TRAITS. LISTENING TO AND KISSING THE BOOT OF AUTHORITY FIGURES? DIVORCING HIMSELF FROM HIS WORK WITH KAIJU XENOBIOLOGY THAT EVEN HERMANN PICKED UP? TO BECOME THE THING HE HATES? AND FOR WHAT? MONEY? FAME? BITCH WHO ARE YOU?" unreasonable. ridiculous attempt to do this just for a plot twist that was underwhelming at best. i've decided to stick to the fan theory that he was not in control 99% of the time but literally that movie causes such a hellfire path to appear in my wake as i think about it because i know people who don't take it like that and think newt wants what's happening because "haha horny kaiju man" and i wish to scream at the top of my lungs because this is exactly WHY you CANNOT spare ANY EXPENSE to the GOOD, PROPER, INTRICATE directing and writing of a character who is neurodivergent and also ONE OF THE CENTERS OF NOT JUST THE MOVIE YOU'RE WRITING, BUT THE FUCKING MOVIE AFTER THAT. i could go on but i sincerely don't fucking want to, despite how long i've been waiting for someone to willingly hear me out on all of this. all i'll say is if by some miracle they are greenlit for a third film and deknight's working on it and i see ANY sign of a bury your gays end for newt, i'm going to commit the first hate crime against a cishet white male.

to end, the only valid kaiju in that movie was the mega-kaiju, i don't remember the appearance or the names of the three that got through the breaches but the mega-kaiju could kill me and i'd die happy 🥰 beautiful design, that scale comparison when it came face to face with newt? amazing, chills, *chef's kiss* there are exactly two things i liked about uprising and that bitch is one of them.

sorry if this isn't what you wanted, but as i said i am in a bit of a bad mood and have been curled up in bed trying not to think that i'm dying and i've repressed all of this for a couple months now and very few people have actually heard PORTIONS of my frustration so. here it is.

#rowboat speaks #i'm gonna go puke now #or just. fall asleep on the bathroom floor or something.#pacific rim #pacific rim uprising

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ittakesrain · 5 years

Text

Psycho Education

Psycho Education: Things I Learned in the Psychiatric Hospital

I knew I needed to be hospitalized. I’ve known that for a while. Hell, I tried to get myself into a hospital prior to this, because I was desperate for some relief, and nothing happened. I guess it all accumulated for the past year or so, though. I went to my psychiatrist for a normal appointment on February 10th, and she sent me to the ER like, immediately. She actually called them and told them I’d be coming (I felt like such a VIP: very important psycho). My boyfriend left work early and picked me up and we went. And thus began an interesting journey where I learned a bunch of things that I’m going to explain in a vaguely chronological but unimportant order. This doesn’t include everything, and I have so many more thoughts that I’m dying to get onto a page, but I think it’s important that my first post is positive and talks about the last month as a learning experience.

I was in the ER for a day and a half. It was an overwhelming experience. I was crying a lot, and I just wanted to lay there on the gurney under the sheets and be “alone.” But I was on Constant Observation (since I was suicidal) and had someone watching me at all times. And apparently I couldn’t go completely under the covers because they had to see that I wasn’t killing myself under there. So I was basically inconsolable.

I hated the guy watching me, at first. He would ask questions and I’d try to answer, but I’d just start crying at the fact that I didn’t think he understood what I was actually experiencing. How much pain I was in. Like…was he belittling me? I couldn’t tell.

I came around to him eventually. I don’t know when, exactly. Maybe after he went on his break. The nurse manager watched me while he was gone, and she was really nice. We talked a little bit, and maybe that little bit where I was broken out of my shell helped me not feel so upset with Charles who had to sit there and stare at me. Not that he was creepy; he wasn’t. He was cool. It was just a hard situation, and I was emotional and all over the place. I realized that seeking comfort is okay and even brave at times, but at the end of the day, when no one else can do it you have to do it yourself. I was lying there, tossing and turning, my mind racing, all of my painfully confused…and I had to just calm myself down. I’m not saying I was successful at that (I wasn’t). But the lesson stuck with me. I asked for help, and I’m proud that I did. But I also learned that I can’t get help with everything. I can’t have someone help me control my emotions, it doesn’t work that way.

Charles and I eventually got into conversation, and he imparted a gem of wisdom that totally relates and that I wrote down as soon as I had a notebook in which to do so: no one can swim for you and no one can breathe for you. I couldn’t tell you what the hell we were talking about (I’m assuming it was the impending hospitalization ahead of me), but it’s true. The coming weeks were something I was gonna have to face on my own.

Yeah, definitely true. Although once I got to the psych hospital, I wasn’t completely on my own. I made friends almost immediately (once I stopped crying, showered for the first time in three days, and actually consumed some sort of food). I guess there’s nothing quite like being locked up together to bring about friendships. It also probably helps that we were all in a similar place mentally and emotionally. We related to one another. We grew into a weird little dysfunctional family.

And dysfunctional we indeed were. Lock a bunch of crazies up together and shit DOES get intense. I realized pretty early on that sometimes it’s best to just walk away. Walk away from a fight or confrontation, walk away from a trigger. Hell, sometimes you even need to walk away from someone crying who just needs to cry. I loved when the other patients there calmed me down as I was crying. A fist-bump and a sneaky hug go a long way (we weren’t technically allowed to touch each other). But there were moments I just needed to cry. And I saw the same being true of other people.

We were a unique bunch. It became increasingly clear to me why you should never judge anyone without talking to them first. Like, everyone has their own shit. You literally never know someone’s story without asking them. And human beings are interesting, so ask! Listen to everyone’s story and learn from them, because my god is there so much to learn. Not to mention that people are all complicated, with or without mental illness. We’re all just different. It’s fascinating.

I sat down next to the schizophrenic who needed to be restrained and sedated the day before and actually talked to him. I was happy I did because he’s got a lot of wisdom inside of him next to all his fear. We sat there on the floor outside the med window after each taking our cocktail of pills, and started talking. The day after that was not one of my better ones. And he was the one to sit down next to me. “Hey,” he said. “Put out your hands like this.” I wiped my tears and looked up at him. I held out my hands in front of me. “Do you see them?” he asked, to which I responded with a tentative ‘yes.’ “See? You’re here, you’re safe, you’re okay.” I used that technique to ground myself a few more times after that.

I can’t talk about lessons learned in the psych hospital without mentioning how I learned to be thankful in a simple but grand way. I vowed that when I got out I’d stop taking day to day conveniences for granted. My phone and my laptop are wonderful tools I have, and I’ll never again forget how fucking cool they are. I was, however, already thankful for the support I am lucky enough to have. Every morning we had a “community meeting” where we told everyone how we were feeling, what our goal was for the day, and who our support was. I never once forgot how special the people around me are that they love and support me as much as they do.

Then there’s the lesson I’m continually re-learning: let it go. I really tried to tone down my reactions to minor little things while I was there. Like, I put serious effort into it. There were a few instances in the beginning when I was uhh…using humor as a coping mechanism, and it wasn’t received well by some of the staff. So I was told to stop. Which, okay, that’s fine, right? It is, and looking back I realize it right away now. But my general response is to feel stupid and dumb and dwell on the situation for far too long and then feel stupid again and just continue on and on. But I’m actually damn proud of how I let it go because I literally forgot about how angry I was at that staff member until just now. We turned out to be chill with each other anyway, and I’m glad we turned out that way because I feel happy to have known the guy. But yeah, I’m giving myself major props for that one, and I’m gonna remember this exact paragraph next time I go to overthink about something like that. I also want to phrase it differently, in case I didn’t make my point as effectively as I wanted to: don’t worry so much about what’s going on in other people’s heads, because you don’t have to live there.

As I got more stable (I’m gonna write a whole post about how that was able to happen to begin with, because holy shit was it a process), I started to get the itch to get the fuck out of there. I wanted to go home. I was naturally going stir-crazy, as you can imagine would happen after being cooped up for over two weeks, and I was even getting anxious wondering when they were gonna release me. I was tentatively scheduled to be discharged Tuesday the 25th, but on morning on the day before, I’d just about lost my mind wondering if that date was still set. The weekends went slow there, and no doctors or social workers were there, so I was left hanging and wondering. Anyway, as I was freaking out, another patient pulled me aside and told me that in his struggle with drugs, whenever he told himself “just don’t do drugs” every day, he’d inevitably wind up doing them. But “when I told myself I was gonna get up, go for a run, make breakfast, and so on, guess what I did?” I stared at him for a second. “I’m gonna go home tomorrow,” I told him, and he smiled and nodded. The moral of the story, I guess, is either that you attract what you think about, or that it’s easy to spot what you’re always thinking about. And it turns out I did go home the next day!

As I was getting ready to be discharged, I started to reflect back. I’d filled an entire marble notebook with thoughts and feelings, but there was still a lot I wanted to think about. Still a lot I had to think about. I said to the counselors and my social worker that even though I’d done so much work and self-reflection, I knew I still had a lot more work to do once I left. And oh boy is there still a lot of work to do haha. Self-discovery is a never-ending process. I think I used to let that overwhelm me, but honestly? It isn’t such a scary thing. Life is a never-ending process. Self-discovery is just a way of life.

And finally, because I actually do feel hopeful that I’ll succeed in my quest to be the best version of me: remember to have hope.

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lemonaderaid · 6 years

Text

hufflepuff-rave, abuse, and the missing husband thing: from her ex friend’s point of view

this is about whole “abusive wife”/”missing husband” situation, and what i know about mel (dillon’s abuser and wife) through being her close friend for 5+ years. it’s a long post, so there’s your warning.

here’s another ample content warning for abuse, misgendering, gaslighting, and general...drama? i guess? here we go kiddos!

after this post, particularly with this reblog went pretty viral both on here and on facebook recently, i figured it was my time to step up along with my friend, @jackstoney , and personally come out in support of all of the abuse accusations that have been made against mel, as i was one of her closest friends for 5+ years.

as jack did in his post, i’m simply going to be referring to her as “mel” because i would prefer that she NOT get stalked, harassed, doxxed, etc. as i said, i used to be her friend, and thus i still do have some regard for her and her mom’s personal safety and privacy despite the fact that they’re bad people.

to make my stance on dillon himself quite clear from the outset, i was always fed really varying information about him from mel herself. as exhibited by her blog, if you go and search “dillon” and scroll back a bit far, you’ll see that she has wildly varying, black and white perspectives about him. that’s how it was when we talked, and that’s how she is about seemingly everyone; particularly her ex boyfriends. if you search “brayden” or “jackson” on her blog, you’ll get pretty similar posts. the point is that i don’t know what’s true or false about dillon’s life and personality, i just know the information she’s told me or that i’ve seen on her facebook or tumblr. as i said, we were friends for 5 years, and i knew her before she ever met dillon.

as jack explains pretty sufficiently in his post, which i linked above, mel has a very obsessive, very clingy and overbearing personality, and a high probability of mental illness associated with the drastic lengths she’ll go to to keep someone trapped in really any kind of relationship with her. THIS IS NOT INHERENTLY A BAD THING. i’m not a professional, and i won’t make an armchair diagnosis based on what i know about her, but i will say that she’s never mentioned to me anything about trying to improve and work beyond her numerous issues. (unlike how she is presently trying to pin a schizophrenia diagnosis on dillon after only speaking on the phone to a doctor herself, ONCE.)

i felt this way when i was friends with her, very much so. this sideblog of hers, particularly these three posts (1 , 2 , 3) are about me, and the fact that, while we were friends, i decided to do matching icons with my still-current boyfriend on facebook. this happened on a couple of occasions because we found neat looking icons and, since we were, yknow, partners, we figured it’d be cool to match for a couple weeks. as you can see by the posts i linked, mel didn’t like this. at all

here’s another sideblog of hers that she made for dillon to post about her...let’s just call it unhealthy obsession, as shown pretty well by this particular tag. WARNING: some very nsfw stuff is on here

here are a few texts i have from her to me talking about how, despite having NEVER ONCE spoken to my boyfriend and actively refusing to talk to him even though i said i’d like them to meet, she’s extremely “possessive” of me

little unimportant note: she refers to herself as kyle and me as stan because she was really into south park, and she saw those two characters as having a similar relationship to ours

coming from a person who has bpd (me), this all, to me, rings very familiar and relatable bells in my head. keep in mind i’m not accusing her of having it, but coming from someone who is very overprotective of their friends and datemate(s) (frank and i are poly), this all sounds like the reasoning my brain tries to do with itself when anyone befriends a person who gives me “bad vibes”. the thing is that i don’t actively silence my friends or whoever from talking about a person that makes them happy just because of the fact i don’t know them. this is something she NEVER tried to avoid doing. she was always upfront with me about how much frank unnerved her, despite never meeting them and ignoring their attempts to try and assure her that they weren’t trying to take me away.

the following screenshots are about the decision jack made to break up with her shortly after he’d gone back to california to try and look for a job (his post has more necessary context, but the idea is that he was basically trying to make more efforts to get his life to be stable and not go completely broke, and needed to break up with her seeing as her clinginess made him incredibly worn out).

unfortunately, i don’t have that message i sent to the group chat anymore, and i’m afraid i don’t remember what i said, but i know it was a pretty long message about how her coping methods to get over jack (i.e.; getting back with dillon) wasn’t actually helping her and i could see her mental state going to shit

now would also probably be a good time to mention some of the other things she’s done, but i don’t deem to be as relevant to this particular situation such as purposefully misgendering me (using the wrong pronouns, calling me her “sister”, making and getting me heavily gendered gifts she knew i was uncomfortable with), and frequently trying to make people stop talking about their interests and focus on ONLY hers instead, at all times. i do have screenshots of one particular instance of this, but this post is long enough and i feel that those complaints about her character would detract from the main point

long story short, as i’m sure you all are confidently aware at this point, mel is a horrible, manipulative, abusive, and toxic person and SHOULD be avoided at all costs. though I myself am concerned for dillon’s safety at the moment, as no one’s really quite sure where he is, I think that ultimately he would’ve been more unsafe if he stayed with her, judging by these screenshots of his brother’s comment on mel’s facebook post:

EDIT: i forgot to blur out his brother’s name when i originally posted this, and an anon pointed out to me that i probably should, so i did! please respect dillon’s family’s privacy!

i’m very happy that dillon chose to try and run and escape. i’m concerned for his safety right now but i hope he turns up soon, safe and sound, and away from mel forever.

i’d like to personally apologize to dillon, if he ever ends up reading this post somehow, for being extremely judgmental and distrustful of him because of the information mel was feeding me. i don’t know how much of it is true or untrue, but despite everything, i hope you find peace wherever you choose to go. i’m happy you got out. i’m proud of you, i’m proud of jack, i’m proud of myself, and i’m proud of anyone who chooses to break away from an abuser to start over. it’s hard, but you can fucking do it.

if you ever see this, please feel free to get in touch with me if you need help. i’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, if you even knew very much about my existence to begin with; but i sincerely hope you’re doing alright now. -bre

oh yeah, and to mel,

fuck you.

in closing, i’m gonna leave you with the final message i sent to mel to cut off our friendship, cuz i feel like it might end up helping someone going through a hard time with their abuser? idk, but i can always hope. here it is

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 5 years

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Spider-Geddon #4 Thoughts

Oh dear how quickly we can fall.

So the good news is Molina is back on art and Barberi’s art complimenting his work makes for a mostly smooth transition between the two.

Other good news, we FINALLY take advantage of getting to see these Spider-Heroes interact. We see PS4 Spidey react to seeing an advanced Miles Morales and to seeing versions of himself and MJ married, not to mention learning other Peters ask RYV Pete and MJ how they wound up together. We also get to have a Peter Parker react to the presence of a Norman Osborn.

It is simply put the best scene of the entire comic and maybe the event over all, definitely the main book.

Yes indeed it sure was a great...page.

One page. Out of five issues. The penultimate one in fact.

Sigh...other good stuff...

· Getting to see other people react with justifiable suspicion against Norman.

· Norman being a sneaky bastard.

· One or two funny lines, the crown jewel of which is Ben Reilly saying he’s never met a Norman Osborn who didn’t want to stab him in the back. Because of course...this is exactly what Norman did at the end of the Clone Saga

· Seeing and acknowledging Spider-Cop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

· Dinosaur Spider-Man exists!

· Dissing the Other as a Deus Ex Machina.

Now that last one is a contestable point because I dunno for sure if the Other would be regarded as a dues ex machina.

And part of that is that it depends upon whether we are referring to it in the context of Spider-Verse alone or it’s initial story.

To me it didn’t just show up at the end of Spider-Verse and kill Solus therefore it doesn’t meet the requirement, and it was already established the Other has the ability to wipe out Inheritors way back in the original Other storyline. But was that a dues ex machina unto itself? You tell me.

What’s interesting is if that line came from Slott or Gage, I’d suspect the latter at which point gloriously it’d be Gage throwing shade at Slott.

Now he should still be wary of what he throws around because when you look at this issue he lives in a glass house. A smaller glass house than Slott perhaps but a glass house nevertheless.

Now some of these my problems might be born of ignorance because I haven’t read or can’t remember every single Spider-Man/Marvel comic.

But...for just one problem among many with the issue...you telling me Norman Osborn fucking with the Web of Life and Destiny means that there is 0 ways to travel between dimensions?

Like...even Doctor Strange or Reed Richards can’t help you (and the Spiders can tell even though they’ve not even left the room)?????????

Regarding Ben Reilly he’s seemingly willing to kill. Now of course Clone Saga era Ben Reilly really wasn’t. Or at least his attitude was the same as Peter’s was on the topic. I dunno what happened between Clone Conspiracy and this comic so set me straight but it seems like he’s back to normal now and as such...wouldn’t his attitude be the same as back in the 1990s? Now last time I covered this series I mentioned how it doesn’t make sense for the Spiders to not kill the Inheritors so on one level this does make sense, but it’s nevertheless internally inconsistent because Peter and the other softer heroes aren’t willing to do that. So what’s Ben’s deal.

Again that’s all debatable as a criticism because I don’t have all the info.

But there are plenty of other problems the biggest being the thing at the heart of this whole event, poor timing.

I spoke before about the headfuck that was the tie-ins happening during or after issue #2 despite being released earlier and placed earlier in the reading list.

The same thing happens again because if you, like me, were reading Spider-Force guess what a massive plot point from that gets spoiled as Jessica Drew makes it back to Earth 616 with Solus’ crystal...and runs right into the Inheritors. Nice to know however the final issue plays out their overall mission was a total and utter failure. At least with Scarlet Spiders back in Spider-Verse it served a purpose.

There is another headfuck moment of dumb in that scene too as the Inheritors try and fail to feed off of Jessica Drew, failing because she’s radioactive.

Now she’s wearing her radiation suit and, if you’ve been reading Spider-Force (it helps because this issue barely tries to explain) you’ll know she’s just got back from a radioactive Earth. So one would think the Inheritors’ inability to feed off of her is due to her recent trip there right?

Wrong, it’s because her powers are connected to radiation apparently.

Now I’m no Jessica Drew expert so I consulted the marvel.wiki and am taking their word as gospel for the sake of this post. It reads as follows:

“When Jessica Drew was about a year old, her parents moved from England to a small cottage in the outskirts of Wundagore Mountainin Transia. Her father, Jonathan Drew, geneticist and research partner to the man who would later become the High Evolutionary, found large amounts of uranium in their property, which gave them the financial resources to build a research facility to keep working on their controversial studies of evolution, genetics and cell regeneration

In the course of the next three years, life was good, until little Jessica became ill, poisoned by her long-time exposure to the Uranium that was so prevalent in their land. Jonathan, being an expert on the regenerative and immunological properties of arachnids' blood, injected Jessica with an untested serum made with the blood of several uncommon species of spiders, in the hopes of stopping the tissue damage and immunizing the girl from the Uranium radiation in her blood. Then, he sealed her in a genetic accelerator created by Herbert Wyndham a.k.a. the High Evolutionary to speed the process, but it only seemed to work at a very slow rate. In stasis for decades, her aging greatly slowed, until the treatments finally finished in recent years.”

Can you spot any words or phrases in that remotely similar to ‘radiation blast’ as used in this issue? Let me know if you can because I can’t.

It’s not even like the radiation played a factor in actually granting her powers according to this. Whilst Spider-Man got his powers from a radioactive spider, for Spider Woman radiation was the disease the spider science was curing. The untested serum her Dad gave her is what gave her powers, the radiation had nothing to do with that. Basically unlike Peter, Jessica’s powers are not derived at all from radiation itself.

So yeah...Gage seems to have seriously contradicted Jessica Drew’s you know...origin story...

That would be bad enough but it gets worse.

For the sake of argument let us pretend that Gage’s ‘revised origin’ for Jessica was true. The implication of the comic is then that because of that the Inheritors can’t feed off of her life essence because radiation is poison to their kind.

Now let’s ignore for the moment that they somehow lived off of giant radioactive spiders for at least over a year, and how radiation is poisonous to most things so phrasing it that way is rather redundant (it’s like saying ‘Oh wait you are vulnerable to fire aren’t you!’). Instead let’s focus on this headscratcher. Jessica’s powers coming from radiation makes her inedible to the Inheritors...buuuuuuut...Peter Parker isn’t...nor are any of the other people who got powers from radioactive spider bites...

*head desk*

Were the editors drunk when they failed to catch that obvious inconsistency?

I mean Spider-Man literally has radioactive blood! That’s a line in the 1960s theme song!

How do you screw this up so badly?

It’s especially incompetent when the fact Jessica just walked out of a radioactive planet and is wearing a radiation suit could easily be used as an alternative explanation. Say she is at the moment contaminated with radiation but is herself not adversely affected by it thanks to her powers. This would actually be more in line with the original Morlun story because Morlun could feed off Spider-Man no problem up until he injected himself with radiation and became temporarily radioactive. So okay they can feed on the life force of totems with low levels of radiation in their blood but not when they are seriously cranking up the dial on a Geiger counter.

There are other inconsistencies though, albeit not as idiotic as that one.

The comic can’t quite decide whether or not Solus got killed last time because he battled the Other or if any sufficiently powerful sharp object could kill him. Doc Ock brings up Leopardon then Miles dismisses that option because Solus beat Leopardon in Spider-Verse an event Doc Ock knows about. So Doc Ock, who states he knows the wisdom of avoiding past mistakes, is suggesting they try the same thing that failed before a second time.

Now of course Otto is not mentally stable, oh no wait maybe he is because Gage paints him as in the right so often (and implies being in a new body fixed his insanity in a way later comic but that’s neither here nor there). It just doesn’t make sense on his part, nor does his dismissal of the Other as superstitious mumbo jumbo.

Ignoring how anyone in the Marvel Universe disregarding magic is fundamentally stupid, Doc Ock is fighting other dimensional totem vampires wrapped up with a cosmic web that enables travel between universes and is connected to a form of danger precognition for everyone associated with a spider.

Why the fuck would the idea of a specific cosmic entity who’s specifically able to kill Solus superstition from his POV, especially when he knows for a fact it did what an obviously more powerful giant robot couldn’t do?

Another minor inconsistency is the Otto implying on one page that he brought the Spiders to Earth-13 in order to analyze the Enigma Force and then locate it in Earth 616...but then on literally the next page Miles claims it was his idea.

Which is it? It’s somewhat important as it defines the power dynamics between the two would be leaders.

Speaking of the Enigma Force that’s another big problem.

In Spider-Verse the Enigma Force was essentially useless against the Solus because it’s pure life force and he feeds off of that. Ridiculously overpowered, overselling of the villain to cheaply build him up?

Most definitely.

But as a sequel to that story shouldn’t Spider-Geddon try to be consistent? Because suddenly we’re claiming that Solus didn’t actually eat the Enigma Force but simply...killed Captain Universe Spidey (????????????????) and the Enigma Force is still on Earth-13. And as mentioned above the plan is for them to analyse it on Earth-13 and hopefully then use that to track down the 616 Enigma Force.

My question upon hearing that plan was....so?

So they find the Enigma Force and/or the new Captain Universe. Then they either have someone bond with it or ask the new Cap for help.

And...what?

Then go punch the Inheritors?

They already know Captain Universe is a massive food source for the Inheritors. Yeah sure, in Spider-Verse Solus claims it’d be too much for any of his kids to handle but surely between all of them they could eat him?

Then again both Spider-Verse and Spider-Geddon have been hugely inconsistent with how the Inheritors feed. Not only did we get Verna draining any given person’s life force in Spider-Force #2 but I double checked the original Morlun story. He states clearly feasting off of Spider-Man alone would sustain him for about 100 years.

But between Spider-Verse and this story the Inheritors have all chowed down enough for like a millennia a piece then.*

Oy vey, yet another inconsistency I just realized from the previous issue is...weren’t they going to blow up the New U labs? SP/dr was ready to remotely detonate the charges and kill everyone in the process but then Leopardon intervened allowing everyone to escape...couldn’t they detonate the charges remote at that point? There is no reason the New U labs should still be standing.

One final inconsistency I’ll bring up is that Spider-Man PS4 claims that Miles is a good leader because he’s not lost anyone yet. I guess screw Spidey UK and Noir, but in fairness you could argue Miles wasn’t in charge at that point so they don’t count. What is more confusing is that on the very next page Osborn complains that the Inheritors numbers are growing as theirs are shrinking. Again which is it, are the Spiders losing or maintaining their numbers?????

Let’s move on from inconsistencies to a different variety of bad and dumb shit.

First of all Otto and Ben Reilly apparently hatched this whole other plan behind everyone’s backs making a bargain with the Inheritors.

When?

When could that possibly have happened?

I’m not even saying it’s not possible but it’s never explained it comes totally out of nowhere.

Otto didn’t even know Ben was around until last issue when he mounted his raid on New U and surprise attacked the Inheritors so if this plan was set n motion before that how and when could Ben have been integrated into it?????

Before issue #3 is actually the only time I can think of when Otto could’ve done this but it makes just so little sense. He didn’t know the Inheritors were having trouble with the New U tech (again, that seems unlikely given the tech Jennix was used to working with) before issue #3 to my recollection. So there was no reason for him to offer to help him understand that tech (and yes it’s clear Otto made the offer, the Inheritors didn’t make the first offer to him) and the Inheritors clearly attacked him and his group in issue #3. Meaning the offer must’ve been made during issue #3, between issues #3-4 or during issue #4 but there wouldn’t have been any time or any chance for Otto to get away and talk to the Inheritors.

I also don’t get what Ben Reilly has to do with any of this.

Finally, and most insultingly, is Gage continuing to wank off Otto.

Now even Miles is holding his hands up and saying Otto is superior, Otto is the smartest, Otto is the leader. On the one hand this slightly helps balance out Miles being framed as a better leader than Peter was in Spider-Verse (more Slott’s fault for Peter’s shitty characetrization) and no one else considered for leadership (like RYV Peter). On the other wasn’t this event supposed to serve Miles? Wasn’t it promoted somewhat like that?

Why are both this story and it’s predecessor so intent upon making Otto writer’s pet?

One final thing which is I guess more a problem for me is that this issue blew the promise last issue made regarding Norman.

It had the opportunity for some intrigue and Machiavellian shenanigans with Norman Osborn forming a secret third faction within the Spider Army. But then it amounted to him and Spiders-Man being kicked out of the group and wrecking the Web of Life & Destiny. When you consider how he was utterly not built up in the main book at all until the end of the last issue. Like he comes out of nowhere unless you read his debut but nothing conveyed to us that that was a must-read issue to get the main book.

Yeah so overall we crash back hard into the low quality of the prior issues of this series.

Oh well...just one more comic to go...of the main book. Still got another Spec issue, Spdier-Force issue, Ghost Spider issue and 2 Spider-Girls issues to go...sigh...

*Also pretty sure at one point in either story they ate Spider-Hulk. If Jessica Drew is inedible due to radiation how is Spider-Hulk edible?

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #170

this one’s a few days old and am just getting to posting it. don’t feel like rereading to change some old answers tho.

Do you tell your best friend everything? What might you omit? If she asked about a subject, I'd tell her. I wouldn't just be like "hey here's a little factoid I don't like talking about." Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yes. In your current or most recent romantic relationship, do/did you feel as though one of you settled? Not at all. What did your ex (or one of your exes) consider to be a dealbreaker in you? My depression. What seemingly small change have you made to improve your life this year? More drive to be an adult. Make the decision to try as hard as mentally possible to be more open about myself and not so scared of being found as "too weird." Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness or substance abuse? Don't get me started on the first. I only know of my dad being a recovered alcoholic. What is the biggest gap in your employment history? How did/will you explain it to future employers? 0-19ish. Wasn't in the mental state to. Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? She knows a lot. There's just one thing I'm not comfortable talking about yet. There's nothing I absolutely won't tell at any point - if you're in a serious relationship, they have the right to know. Has anyone ever tried to change your mind about something very personal, such as religion or wanting children? Children, yes. Colleen especially was convinced I was going to change my mind to an annoying degree. People have pushed me being a vet a whole lot, too. Do you ever hear about old school friends? Where are you high school friends now? Well, through FB. Most have stable jobs, some are extremely intelligent students headed towards amazing careers, some are parents. Most fell off the face of the earth. What is the most fun you can remember ever having under the influence? Cards Against Humanity. Has your Facebook relationship status ever been set to 'it’s complicated’? Why? Nooooo, and I seriously wish that option didn't even exist. Drama bait, whether intentional or not. What is the most beautiful/interesting name that you’ve ever personally known someone to have? Alon. Have you ever developed feelings for someone whose sexual orientation was incompatible with yours? Yes. How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? One. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? Me?????????????? At a party?????????????????????? What is your strongest sense? Maybe you don't count this because it's not a "real" sense, but I would say I have an incredibly strong "sixth sense" of just knowing when something is wrong, even with people I don't know well. I pick up bad emotions easily. But if you're just talking sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, I suppose smell? Or taste. Could be why I'm so picky. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? There is NO telling. I believed some wild shit. HAHAHA OH MY GOD WAIT NO I BELIEVED I HAD "ANIMAL POWERS" UNTIL THE END OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Like, I could go into a "mode" where I had capabilities like those in certain animals, like with kangaroo powers, I could jump higher. God that was so embarrassing to write jfc what the fuck was I on. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? Mom. She gives food, water, and sometimes money to homeless people she trusts as actually being without a home. There are two or three people she's actually "friends" with. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? A V O I D What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? I make situations awkward. Just social anxiety in general. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? Okay, so I don't think I believe in angels, and I'm 99% sure this was a dream by now. But once as a little kid, I have a *very* strong memory of getting out of bed and going outside because I felt I needed to see something, and two swans came to the porch, turning into my grampa and favorite cat that had died. Then I went back inside, and that's all I remember. Still to this day that shit didn't feel like a dream, but. It probably was. What do you think about more than anything else? The future. What’s your all-time favorite town or city? Why? I dunno. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? The friendship with Megan. Do you Skype? With Sara. Have you ever called anyone ‘bro’ other than your actual brother? I'll call p much anyone that. Have you ever blocked someone on MySpace before? Maybe? What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? Pan meat lovers omfg. Stick with jalapeno tho with trying to at least lean towards vegetarianism. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? Eh... I think I've forgiven him. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. How do you feel about weed? I'm totally for it medicinally. Helps with too many things. Otherwise, for reasons I've said in many old surveys, I don't believe it should be smoked. We already complain enough about cigarettes and lung cancer. How many people have you kissed that you weren’t dating? None. Who was the last person that ditched you? How did you react? Mini, I guess. Was hurt as fuck for years until I recently confronted her, and we're cool now. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt is like... my only male friend besides Dad. What size are the pants you’re wearing? Large, probably? Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I went neither way. Liked some songs, didn't like some, no opinion on others. Can you spot constellations in the night sky? Only the Big or Little Dipper. I dunno the difference. What kind of shampoo did you last use? I dunno exactly. Mom just put some in a smaller, nameless bottle for while I'm at Sara's. It's probably Suave, though. If you had a hippie bus, what would it look like? Gimme all the peace signs and trippy patterns. Have you ever hitchhiked? No. Would you rather hike a mountain or explore a cave? EXPLORE A CAVE BITCH Would you rather wear a flower crown or veil? For my wedding, probably a veil. I can't see a flower crown going with a (probably) black dress lmao. Do you go barefoot often? I'm always barefoot in the house, but outside, I always have shoes. What is your favorite thing to get high off of? N/A What type of tattoo do you want? Most of the ones I want hold personal meaning. There's few I want to get for solely aesthetic purposes. What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Favorite constellation? *shrug* Beach wedding, forest wedding, or English countryside wedding? Forest! Does pineapple belong on pizza? NO. Do you have any big plans for November? No. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? Christmas. I doubt Halloween's gonna be anything I'd like it to be. What was the last song you heard? "Letter" by Mother Mother is on. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? HAHAHAHA NO. How many days a week do you work? N/A Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Sara and Mom. Where did your eye color come from? Mom's dad had blue eyes, I think. Have you ever been in a recording studio? No. What is your worst relationship quality? I'm paranoid. I'm that "do you still like me?" person after marriage, I'm sure. What was your most recent serious injury? Does sun poisoning from Hell itself count? When was the last time you baked something for someone? Never lmao. Would you rather be kissed on the neck or on the lips? I mean it depends on the mood. What is one thing you’re not looking forward to in the next week? I'm going home Wednesday. Would you consider Christmas your favorite holiday? Second-fave. How many chances do you normally give someone before giving up on them? Way too fucking many. But it also depends on the offense and person. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Yeah. Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? Totally for. Would you say you’re more of a pessimist or optimist? I'm definitely a realist, but if I had to pick, I lean more towards pessimism. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? No. When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? Not really. Would you say you’re a friendly person or not so much? I think I'm very friendly, just shy and awkward socially. When was the last time you ate something from Burger King? LEMME TELL YOU THIS SHIT. Months ago, I went for a veggie burger. THESE. IDIOTS. Put all the normal shit BUT NO PATTY IN A FUCKING BUN. WHEN THEY HAVE ACTUAL VEGGIE PATTIES. We waited forever, so Mom was already in a bad mood. She went in and the manager was livid; she gave us a free drink and fries. BUT, the burger fucking sucked, it was so overcooked. Sooo that was fun. When someone mentions a song, does it make you wanna listen to it? Rarely if it's a song I don't know, unless I like the artist. Song title may interest me, too. Who is the nosiest person you know? Do you like them anyways? BITCH ME. Are you one of those people who like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Okay so, I first watched it in school and I didn't like it at all. Then I started loving it??? I have like sooo much Jack stuff. What’s the best food to have at a sleepover? Pizza! Do you like the yellow Cheetos better or the orange ones? You mean normal or hot? Gimme them spicy boiz. Do you know anybody with different colored eyes? No. Are any of your relatives vets? Don't believe so. Who cleans the most in your house? Mom. I really need to do it more. Do you own any shirts that cost over 100$? Jfc no. What about any shoes? Do you think that’s a lot of money for clothes? No, and obviously. What’s the movie theater in your town called? Uhhh I think Cinemax? How many minutes do you consider late? Over five. What kinds of food do you dunk into milk? Some cookies. Do you have any current or past teachers on your Facebook friends? No. Are there any baby pictures of you up? On FB? No. Do you have any friends who have bleached blonde hair? Maybe Alon still does, idk. Are you wearing any jewelry that a boyfriend/girlfriend gave you? No. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? Yeah. What’s the last thing you were excited to eat? A donut sobs. Who's the most romantic person you ever went out with? I dunno... none were/are like especially romantic. Is there anything hanging from the ceiling in your room? Some Pyramid Head gift tags, a stuffed fae dragon from WoW, and a cool lantern. Have you ever seen the last person you hugged dressed up fancy? Not in person, but in pictures. (If your parents married), Do you know where they got engaged? No. What was the last picture you printed of? The reference I made of my tattoo for the artist. What restaurant has the best fries? Bojangle's the Queen. What does your mailbox look like? Just a basic black one. Have you ever gotten something stuck on the roof? Probs as a kid. Does your computer make a lot of noise? Not really. Unless it's overheating. Who did you last drink or smoke up with? Mom and Sara. How many board games do you own? Idk, there's just a few in a cabinet in the living room. What does your BIGGEST mug look like? We don't have any really big ones. Newest musical discovery? I really love Powerwolf. Last thing you cleaned? Clothes. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? Purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, iPod, wallet, hand sanitizer, keys... Where is your newest scar? There's still a little scab on the bottom of my tat from heavy shading, but it's almost healed. If you mean like, "real" scar, cat scratch on my right hand. Where is your oldest scar? Ummm probably this random one on the top of my right wrist. No clue where it came from, been there for years. Last thing you disposed of? A bottle, I think? Are you good at recovering from injuries? I dunno. How many different public restrooms have you used this week? I think just one, at the reptile convention. Do you have more piercings or tattoos? Currently tied at six, but piercings the day I get home and get my tongue redone. What color and type is your vehicle? N/A Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? N/A What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Meerkats. What do you use to wash your dishes? Ugh, hands, gross. I refuse to have my own home that doesn't have a dishwasher. Last thing you measured? Ummm probably water when I was making ramen. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Ma, yes. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Sara although I don't see how, I needed a shower. @_@ Last person you told that they smell good? Sara. How many iPhones have you had? One, I think? Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Good question. Last compliment you received on your appearance? Uhhh idk. On your character/personality? Sara's mom pointed out this morning that she liked how I watch out for Sara and reminded her to call the library (applied there) and it made me so happy alkdjowie. Her approval is important to me. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? No. Woulda liked to, but. How many chargers do you have for your current cell phone? One, though Mom's fits mine, too. Do you have a good work/life balance? N/A Have you ever ordered pizza online? Yeah. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Yeah. What color was the last fish you had? I couldn't tell you. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. Have you ever read in the bathtub? I may've as a kid? Does your animal sleep with you? Roman, pretty much always. Rarely Teddy, but hhe doesn't like getting off the bed; I put him on it if he wants, so getting down's the only thing. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? I think I have, but I don't recall for what? How many favorites do you have on YouTube? Holy shit idk. I used to favorite almost anything I liked, though for like a year or so now I've been really picky with what I favorite because it's become a playlist I go to that I know will cheer me up or are just videos I find very important. What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhhhh Lays, p sure. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rockband? I physically cannot play "Hotel California" by the Eagles without moving in some sort of way or singing. The fucking solo ahhhhhhhhhh goosebumps every time.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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restlessmaknae · 6 years

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Walking on thin ice // III. (Un)stable

Baleful powers and icy hearts collide and no one knows what would come out of it. A girl who doesn’t want to be seen and a boy who desperately wants to be seen.

❄ Pairing: Jack Frost!Yoongi (BTS) x Elsa!Joohyun (Red Velvet’s Irene)

❄ Supporting roles: Joonmyun (EXO) as Santa; Kibum (SHINee) as Easter Bunny; Hayoung (APink) as Tooth Fairy; Mark (GOT7) as Sandman; Yerim (Red Velvet) as Anna; Myungjun (ASTRO) as Daylight

❄ Basics’ post: setting & long summary & cast

❄ Genre: angst, drama, fluff, fantasy

❄ Chapters: I. ❄ II. ❄ III. ❄ IV. ❄ V. ❄ VI. ❄ VII.

As a child, she used to think that having superpowers is such a cool thing. She had read several stories and childhood fairy tales about ordinary people who got supernatural abilities out of the blue. Manga characters that could fly or transform into dragons seemed also appealing as they always won against villains and saved their friends and families, no matter what. They were heroes whom she could look up to and they made her believe that there’s always something good in everything bad.

However, reality was far more terrifying than those stories and having a superpower was no longer a cool thing. In fact, it was the worst thing that could happen to her. She caused more harm than she had ever imagined she would and had to bear more shame than she was able to handle. After a while, she was accustomed to hurting herself – getting bruises and little scratches from time to time – and she got used to the sight of blood on her hands but there was one thing that she couldn’t shake off, no matter how many days had passed. Yerim’s startled and hurtful expression when her fragile body fell to the ground still haunted her in her nightmares when she was even able to sleep. The flashback stung her right at the heart and made her weaker and more cautious whenever she recalled the sorrowful memory. It was like a scary ghost that constantly followed her; even if it couldn’t be seen, she still felt its presence.

Yoongi suggested that she should start worrying less because the more terrified she felt, the more her power responded in such unwanted ways. Freezing a room wasn’t one of her hidden intentions, neither was her hair turning almost completely white. She hated everything that came with her power; it was like her own body was trying to remind her of the consequences.

“Well, blondish white is not a really bad colour,” Yoongi stated one day with neutral facial expression when she frantically noticed that all her locks turned exceptionally light.

It was easy for him. He had been living like that for 300 years but for her it was a whole new world. She couldn’t be bothered to attend her university classes anymore, going back to her flat or visiting Yerim in the hospital. She was undeniably terrified of hurting others, even though she was a work in progress. She learnt a lot from the manga-like Guardian but Mark also taught her how to be patient due to his inability to speak yet she had to understand him one way or another. It was kind of confusing at first because of his his sand images but she got used to it after a while.

Nonetheless, she wasn’t able to see the other Guardians despite her greatest efforts. I mean, who can really believe in Santa Claus these days? Or Easter Bunny. Not to mention Tooth Fairy who I never once believed in. Faith was an interesting one. It was something that showed the real side of people because they couldn’t pretend that they believed in something when they obviously didn’t. And seeing the Guardians was almost like a lie detector; it revealed everything.

Luckily, Yoongi didn’t seem to mind that Joohyun wasn’t able to see the others. Ever since the night she ‘met’ all of the Guardians (and had her first real breakdown), they started to get along pretty well. They weren’t besties though, it wasn’t to that extent. On the other hand, they had significantly less quarrels and they both tried to be more patient with one another. It wasn’t odd when they started talking night after night, after Yoongi finished teaching her and before they both went to sleep. Or at least, Joohyun assumed that the boy was also sleeping, although she never once saw him close his eyes for more than a few seconds.

“Isn’t it boring? Living for 300 years and doing the same thing every single day?” she inquired with genuine curiosity after one tiring afternoon which was full of attempts and fails, laughs and cries, smiles and shouts. They were standing in front of the broken window of the abandoned warehouse, looking at the boysenberry sunset with a little bit of a tangerine-orange sparkling.

It was almost an ordinary scene as the warehouse became her second home and she realized that she was fond of watching sunsets and sunrises. Somehow they gave her hope and testified that a better – and undeniably colder – day would eventually come, no matter what kind of hardships she had to deal with day by day. Yoongi was usually beside her at times like that but it couldn’t bother Joohyun, it rather reassured her. She believed that the reason for that was because he kept her company, so she didn’t have to be alone with her exceptional fear and anxiety.

“To be honest, it’s rather sad,” Yoongi pondered for a thought, with no sign of annoyance in his voice this time. “The more years go by, the more depressed people get. It’s harder and harder to cheer them up and make them believe in us. They don’t even know how desperately they need hope and joy in their lives. They constantly stuck in the negativities and affect their own kids who no longer believe in Santa, Tooth, Sandman, Bunnymund or me.”

His voice was laced with remorse and disappointment, his dissatisfaction and commiseration showing in his icy-blue eyes. They were sparkling with solemnity and reminded her of the Han River before a terrible storm; they displayed both perfect calmness as well as undeniable chaos. It was again a very different image that he was portraying before but there were so many sides to Min Yoongi. She still couldn’t elucidate them all.

“But there are also exceptions,” Joohyun pointed out while her eyes were staring far ahead. The boy had told her about Jamie who helped the Guardians to win over Pitch as he was the only child who didn’t give up on them. It was kind of creepy to know that faith almost disappeared from the world while she hadn’t even known about that. There was a world hidden within the real one which she couldn’t see before. However, after realizing that she was no longer an ordinary twenty-one-year old girl, she crossed the border between the two worlds. After that, there was no turning back.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Yoongi nodded in agreement and his voice was so expectant that she decided to sneak a glance at him. His cheekbones immediately exploded as he didn’t even try to suppress a proud smile. “I’m still surprised that you believe in me. I mean, we were good buddies when you were young−“

“Really?” Her jaw dropped hearing the casual comment of Yoongi who started grinning from ear to ear. She even bounced a little in surprise, causing a hoarse laugh escaping the boy’s mouth. “No way! I don’t remember meeting you before!” she protested and her voice was so subtle that she mentally cursed herself for being so childish. He must be kidding. We couldn’t have met before. If so, he probably can’t remember me.

“Yeah, because you were little and probably thought that I was just an imaginary creature. When kids no longer believe in us, they forget the times we spent together,” he explained with hushed voice and shifted his attention towards the broken window. As he looked out of it, he looked just as fragile as a snowflake shakily falling from the sky.

It wouldn’t have been an exaggeration to say that her heart broke a little. Sadness suddenly approached her and a pleasant kind of bitterness rushed through her body. Out of the blue, she felt sympathetic towards Yoongi because now she understood why he had that kind of mysterious wisdom lingering around him. He had to live for all those years, through wars and famine, deaths and miseries, still trying to give hope for people. Nonetheless, as people grew older, they no longer believed in him and he had to live with his unavoidable fate. He had lost several kids, including Joohyun herself.

“So you know me…” she whispered with awe and didn’t even intend to hide her feelings. Yoongi finally turned to face her and when he did there was a subtle and nostalgic smile on his chapped lips.

“Well, we can say that.”

“Gosh! I was such an awkward kid.” She huffed in slight frustration as the thought flew across her mind. Childhood was something that people usually didn’t like to brag about and she was no exception. She regarded her childhood as the period of her life that if she could, she would like to throw out the window. “I was undeniably a little bit too talkative and I had to wear braces and pink, round eyeglasses. Not to mention that I was whining all the time. Seriously, all the time!” She let out a whimper as she recalled the unpleasant or outright embarrassing memories.

Flashbacks were constantly scrambling in her head, making her remember the times when everything was alright. She used to live happily with a beautiful, adorable mother and a wise and always so thoughtful father. Not to mention the bubbly Yerim who was always gossiping about the neighbourhood kids and cheerful giggling always followed her, no matter where she went.

“You were quite an annoying child−“ Yoongi admitted but it didn’t seem that he was any serious about it, judged by the mischievous smile on his face. Anyway, Joohyun got a little bit offended and didn’t even try to conceal her wrath.

“You are quite a flinty guy.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance and let out a big sigh. She exactly knew that she was way too childish because it was just an act out of defence. If he wanted to comment on her old self, she had all the right to judge his present self.

“But you were still a cute one.”

Her heart missed a beat. Min distant Yoongi just called me cute? What’s wrong with him? She glared at him with eyes wide open but couldn’t say a thing. She was so out of words while her thoughts were scrambling crazily in her head. Her heart thumped in bewilderment, beating so loud that she was afraid Yoongi might have heard it, too.

“And I’m aware of that…” the Guardian admitted as he shrugged his shoulders. As opposed to his emotionless act, his ambivalent feelings could be detected. “I’m such a cold-hearted guy.” He clicked his tongue and ruffled his hair in frustration. She didn’t intend to nag him, the words slipped out of her mouth and it was obvious that she didn’t think it through.

Nonetheless, looking at the boy who was fidgeting and pouting resentfully but wouldn’t even say a single word, she couldn’t help but slightly chuckle. His statement was kind of funny – calling a guy cold-hearted who can actually freeze things – and his offended act was too much to handle. She burst into laughter and couldn’t care less about the frown on Yoongi’s face. He looked quite puzzled and raised one of his eyebrows in question but soon he joined her and they laughed together. Hearing his deep, manly giggle was kind of new for her but she liked the sound of it. He sounded happy, really happy and his laugh triggered chills running down her spine. It was undeniably one of their most joyful moments, even if it didn’t last for too long.

“So how’s your sister?” The Guardian of Winter cleared his throat and shifted his attention to her, his eyes were full of genuine care. His stare seemed to pierce into her soul, even though his words seemed to bite into her.

“It’s none of your business!” Joohyun exclaimed hastily as she was unable to keep her self-defence mechanism at bay. However, after seeing the Guardian’s hurtful expression, she started nibbling her lips. Although she was too stubborn to admit it, she also realized that she acted foolishly. I shouldn’t have said that. It was too harsh.

Yoongi raised his arms in defeat and even took a step back. It looked like she had really scared the hell out of the boy, even though she didn’t want to. It was just her being her usual cautious and defensive self who wouldn’t let anyone get closer to her. In regard to the fact that she hurt the people who were around her, she didn’t want history to repeat itself. Not with him who helped her so much and took her under his wings when nobody wanted to look after her. Joohyun was so thankful to him but as far as she was concerned, it meant that she was even more worried. She wanted nothing more than to keep him safe but she wasn’t good with words, neither with actions.

She drew another sigh and made an attempt to straighten her thoughts. Yoongi was still waiting impatiently – but a little too cautiously – for her reply, hands tugged lazily into his pockets.

“She needs to stay in the hospital for another two weeks. The doctors say that she’s recovering quickly but they have to make sure that she stays that way,” she answered while averting her eyes elsewhere but his face. It would have been a torture for her to look him in the eyes because she might have burst into tears. Doctors were constantly calling her and the positive news kind of reassured her but also terrified her. The fact that she was recovering quickly also meant that they would soon send her home. She wasn’t ready to talk with her because she didn’t know how Yerim would react. Would she scream at her and say that she never wants to see her again? Would she think that all she had seen was just her imagination? Would she believe her? Again. That damn faith. Faith will decide whether my house of cards will collapse or not.

“Well then, that’s good!” He nodded absent-mindedly, his thoughts revolving around something complete different than Yerim.

A rather awkward pause fell upon them after Yoongi’s words. More often than not, Joohyun wished that she could dismiss him and not care about the consequences. Nonetheless, she felt numb from the thought of hurting him like that. Although he was characteristically distant and cold-hearted, nobody could understand her the way Yoongi did.

“You’re still not ready to face her,” Yoongi muttered out of the blue which truly surprised her. His tone wasn’t teasing or even questioning, he simply blurted it out like it was a fact. His icy-blue eyes were just as beautiful as two snowflakes. They contained childish sparkling and blinding hope. Yet, they were undeniably cold and somewhat wise.

Joohyun let out a tired sigh. There was no point in denying what he said, she knew that well.

“No.” She shook her head with a weary pout while her voice still had that hurtful edge to it. “I don’t know what I should do when they will finally send her home. I’m just afraid. Afraid what she would think of me.” She admitted honestly, shifting her attention to the broken window because she couldn’t continue to look Yoongi in the eyes. Not then, not after her confession.

She hadn’t told anyone about her deepest feelings as she didn’t have anyone ‒ besides Yoongi ‒ who could keep her company. Even when they talked, they usually didn’t bring up serious topics because they were both reserved and liked to keep their thoughts to themselves. Though somehow it felt kind of good to finally reveal her fears. She assumed that the Guardian would be able to understand her and wouldn’t nag about it. As long as Yoongi was by her side, she was brave enough to face her fears.

Yoongi tried not to hurt her with his words but he knew what it felt like being left alone. Abandoned like a used toy on the shelves of a teenager and broken like a cassette player after being smashed into the ground. He couldn’t let the same thing happen with another child – even if it was Joohyun’s little sister whom she wanted to protect as much as she could.

“You can’t let her down. She needs you,” he reminded her quietly, his words floating around them like snowflakes in a garden.

“I know she only has me but I’m more afraid than ever. What if she doesn’t believe me?” she shrieked and flung her arms in the air in. Hearing her doubts, Yoongi’s recent playfulness vanished and a more serious look came into his eyes. He probably noticed that being frivolous and shrugging off the question wouldn’t be a good idea. That’s why he carefully pondered over his words before cleared his throat.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.” His voice came out hoarse but the look on his face was as steady as a rock. “Plus, I’ve seen my own family die. Believe me, you should appreciate that you still have a loved one,” Yoongi mumbled suddenly apologetically without breaking the eye-contact.

Joohyun noticed the slight change in his behaviour right away. The change wasn’t in his actions; it was in the way he looked at her. He didn’t budge, he didn’t even fidget or flinch; he was gazing at her while his words hung in the air like a creepy shadow looking for its victim to attack. His eyes changed from icy to midnight-blue, sparkling like stars in the foggy sky. There was something so deep and inexplicable about his orbs. She noticed it the moment they met. Maybe it was the knowledge he had obtained throughout his years as a Guardian or the horrible events he had seen while he was trying to give hope to the people. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what she had seen in his eyes but she was no longer afraid to look into them. They no longer seemed intimidating, merely cold.

Joohyun had to hold her breath for a moment because she was so startled at his sudden confession and change of attitude. She had never seen him like this before; acting so serious and telling such things that acquaintances wouldn’t share with each other. Come to think of it, that probably meant that he trusted her, she wondered. How could I earn that? Trust is a big step when it comes to the matters of the heart. I’ve never thought that he would trust me like that.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered sternly as she suddenly found the floor super interesting. Obviously, it wasn’t but it was way easier to look at the ground than Yoongi’s eyes.

“If it helps, I’ll accompany you when you next go to the hospital,” he offered flatly without a hint of sympathy in his voice. Yet, when she looked up, a soft, sheepish smile was slowly forming on the Guardian’s chapped, almost blue lips. That was the first time she saw that smile of his. It was neither a teasing grin, nor a proud smirk. Instead, it was a reassuring, ‘everything-will-be-just-fine’ smile which she could never ever imagine earning from him.

“That would help a lot.” She nodded firmly and made an attempt to shot him a thankful smile. When he smiled back, her icy heart warmed and beat a little bit faster and a little bit louder. She never thought that Min Yoongi would be able to trigger a reaction like that, it almost seemed impossible after their first encounter. Maybe, he wasn’t a bad guy after all.

Trust isn’t a childish board game; it’s a fierce battlefield. People earn it, lose it, fight for it. Some even die for it.

So now that I trust him, what will happen?

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alternativelistening · 7 years

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***content warning: super long venting post, mention of child molestation, homophobia, emotional abuse, child abuse, potential sad feels***

you don’t have to read. just another livejournal type diary post on the internets.

Things seem like they’re getting better with my family. I’m trying to not have expectations for anything more than what I’m seeing right now like I was taught in therapy. But something happened recently that triggered some feelings and memories.

For context: I have four younger siblings. My first sister is one of the people who contributed to my declining mental health, and I know I’m part of her traumas too. I own that I lashed out at her when I was young and badly dealing with my own abuse. Even though I was hurt, I was also wrong. And I’ve actively worked on it. I notice that she’s grown a lot too. But I don’t expect her to own this nor do I deserve to feel that she needs to. What has always bothered me the most with her was that she’s always taken my mom’s side on things. She won’t believe the things my mom said and did to me. And she always excused my mom for the things that she witnessed herself. I mean, no parent is perfect. They’re human too. But both my parents had a large part in how fucked up I am. It’s just not fair to blame a child for their own abuse. I was constantly insulted, humiliated, and invalidated every moment I tried to open to her. So much so that I had to cut her out of my life for some time. But this year, my sister and I are finally somewhat getting along.

My sister did finally admit on Monday that while not everything can be our mom’s fault, it’s impossible for her to not have a large impact on me. I appreciated that she can say that much at least. Time with her has been okay. We text each other every now and then. I want us to continue getting along. But the other day, during one of the game nights I hosted, she announced to the room that I used to cut myself while sharing a story about our childhood. She probably doesn’t remember because of the way it slipped out after she had a Soft Parade and a couple glasses of wine. I’ll paraphrase what she said.

“Yeah, our childhood was really wild. Like we actually practiced drills whenever there was a sign of our parents getting angry. Hannah would time us and we would all practice running into our rooms and find good hiding spots. So we were usually ready for whatever was coming.

We’ve grown a lot. Became better for it. And Hannah used to be so terrible too. [I verbally agreed with my sister here and let her continue speaking after giving a couple examples of my awfulness to the room] It’s ridiculous. I was always the perfect child. I never got into trouble. I usually had straight As, like the first in our family to get straight As. But who did my mom buy clothes for? Who got an iPod? Hannah did. She cut herself and got an iPod and mall trips. I worked really hard and got hand me downs every once in a while.”

The listeners in the room were stunned for a moment, me especially. But she continued with bittersweet stories of our childhood as if nothing was wrong. We all moved on and focused on the board games.

I don’t think she did it with malice. I want to believe she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think it was an accident. And maybe most of the people there already knew this about me. It just really hurt me that it came up so casually (and inaccurately). Her complaints and feelings were completely valid. I agree. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t get more from our parents. I always knew she was a little jealous and bitter about this. She eventually learned that different kids have different needs. I still sympathize with her. But as flawed as my mom was, she wanted to at least try to give me reasons to live and do better in school. My mom didn’t understand mental healthcare. She had no knowledge in emotional labor. She just had money. Could she have done better? Absolutely. Like not pressure me to lie during one of my psych evaluations and let me actually get the help I needed when I was 15. And you know, just be kinder and more supportive. But still, I can understand and appreciate that she tried in her own way.

It just seems so reductive and callous to frame my cutting as some cry for attention or for materialistic gain. My whole life my mom would tell people that to avoid any accountability. Clearly she sold it to my siblings pretty well. And it’s not fair. I already had too much attention. I didn’t need more. I constantly wished for less. Cutting myself just felt really fucking good compared to the way my whole family and memories made me feel. And you know, if it had been for attention or for anything really, it still would have been a serious situation that deserved validity and compassion. Really. If someone is cutting themself for attention, just fucking give them attention.

Thanks to coping methods I’ve learned over the years through friends, experiences, and therapy, I don’t cut myself anymore. But the feelings and thoughts are still there. And I work really hard to sort them out. I’ve covered up some of my scars with tattoos. I don’t want the fact that I used to cut myself to be announced into a room when we’re trying to play board games.

I could tell my sister this. I could communicate with her. I know communication of my feelings and issues is something I don’t do enough of with anyone, including my partner and best friends. I could share everything. But I don’t want to fight my sister. We’ve only just started getting on better terms. I don’t want to get hurt when I get shut down again for trying to share. I also don’t want to fall back into blaming her for things that aren’t her fault. I’m sure it was just a tactless accident. I’m just processing what happened and all the bad feelings and memories that came from it through my occasional venting into the void.

It made me think about my traumas, my queerness, and the way my mom handled things. Much later, maybe three or four years after coming out, my mom was still cold to me but was growing civil. Around this time I also had a major bipolar manic episode while traveling for work (at the time I didn’t know it was bipolar). When I came home, my mom said I should get a check up, something about her insurance blah blah blah. This was unrelated to the major episode I had but I didn’t know at the time how good the timing was. I went to a gyno and a physician. Other than typical Midwestern Vitamin D deficiency, nothing was really wrong at that time. But my physician seemed to have thought I had ADHD and maybe more after I had to go into detail about some things relating to my health in a holistic sense. My physician recommended a great mental health clinic she knew.

When my mom asked how my check up went, I told her about the ADHD issue that my doctor mentioned. She didn’t actually know what it was, as educated as she is. I explained it to her and together we actually connected all the things about me and the things I did during school that ties in with the symptoms of ADHD. So, for the first time ever, she actively supported me in caring for my mental health.

I met with a psychiatrist, who told me before she could diagnose me with anything, I should meet with both her and a therapist for some time. And so from there, after a few months of sessions, they both were 100% convinced that I suffered from ADHD, PTSD, and mixed bipolar disorder. It wasn’t the first time I met with psychiatrists and therapists. But it was the first time I got to consistently meet up with professionals without my mom looming over me. I don’t know why I never connected my episodes of relived memories, intense range and level of emotions, strong reactions to movement, dissociation, problematic drinking, constant suicidal thoughts, self-harm & destruction, depression, paranoia, rage, extreme impulsiveness, hyper vigilance, etc to these issues.

Eventually my psychiatrist put me on a trial and error of meds and dosages. I was warned that it would be a rough month or two for me as we experiment. I had no idea how rough. All those symptoms I described kind of hit me all at once. Literally a single sentence put me in a corner, crying and shaking, as I relived an old traumatic memory over and over again for hours. My empathy became so intense, I shut down because my own pain was already too much to handle at the time. I sabotaged relationships and nearly ruined things with my partner (again) over things that didn’t warrant the responses I gave it. By the time we found the right combination and amount of meds and I was stable, things were too late with a lot of people. I felt like I had to accept that and move on. But maybe part of that is cowardice, again not wanting to open up and communicate.

Around that time I updated my mom on these developments, diagnosis and meds-wise for insurance purposes. And then we got a little more personal because she was telling me how strange it was that I needed all this help when she’s been through worse and doesn’t require the same. I personally think that she needs some therapy at least but that’s another issue. Anyway, during that heated argument and my instability, I told her about the men who molested me throughout my childhood. I never had any intention of telling her. As I got older, I felt like I was protecting her. But it came out. She kind of just stopped. And I started to cry for the younger me and I cried for my mom too.

“When did it happen?” “The first time was back in California. You used to drop me off at an old couple’s house to babysit me while you were working. They had an adult son. He would take me to his room... He would do things to me.” “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” “I didn’t know how to. I didn’t feel safe. And I don’t think anyone would have believed me.” “You were only four years old.” “I know.”

It’s just weird how things that can seem almost unrelated can trigger me into these memories and feelings. But I’m honestly okay right now. I didn’t cut myself. I didn’t drink. I just had a good cry and typed this out. I’ll get ready to go out in a bit. I appreciate that I’m not going to ruminate. And if you’ve actually read this, I’m sorry. But thanks for listening.

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camille-marshall-blog · 7 years

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Birthday Ficlet Part #3

Alternately Titled: Wait For It

a/n: hi hi hiiiiiiiiiii!! And now we reach the final part of Marshall’s Birthday Fic Trilogy. This one mainly features @nathaniel-schreave , so thank you so much Claire for the RP!! Also, I forgot to thank @victoria-seaberg and @ladyaadamaier in my last post for coming to the party sooooo Thank you guys!!!! Making this a short author’s note so yeeeeeet. (also, you guys probably might notice that I’ve been using lyrics from Hamilton, so kinda would like to mention that they’re nice accompaniments to their respective fics lol) Anyways, Happy New Year’s Eve from my timezone to yours! Hope you enjoy! (3799 words)

“Woah… Ah.. Hi!” I greet, surprised to be seeing Natalie Nate at the door. It was getting late, and I wasn’t really expecting him to make an appearance tonight.

“Hey, happy birthday. I wasn’t sure what to get you so I kinda just guessed and got you this.” Nate greets as he hands me the poorly wrapped box. “Sorry about the wrapping, it’s not my best skill.” he adds.

“Wow!” I try to avoid eye contact for a second, feeling flattered by his gesture. “Thank you so much!”

This felt oddly… different, the whole receiving so many gifts thing- I mean. I try to shrug off the distinct feeling, focusing my attention on inspecting Nate’s wrapping skills. It wasn’t the worst I’ve seen, that honor belonged to my sister. “The wrapping's not that bad, give yourself a break.”

He flashes me a look that seems to suspect my patronization, “a 5 year old could’ve done better.”

A small chuckle escapes my lips, “You're not used to wrapping gifts?”

“Nope, not a thing I have to do often.”

Of course he didn’t have to wrap gifts often, there were probably people who did that for him… but I’m surprised to know that he did take the time to wrap mine.

“I'm flattered that you took the time to wrap mine though.” I smirk, it was a thoughtful gesture.

“I’m not sure you’ll want to be flattered over that, anyway enough about the wrapping what’s happening in here?” Nate tries to catch a glimpse of the festivities happening inside, and I step aside to give him a better view.

“Truth or Dare, and a number of people that I theorize have had too much alcohol.” I answer with an amused tone, no way was I drinking tonight, but it was pretty funny to see everyone fool around as effect of the alcohol in their systems.

“That’s what happens at parties.” He laughs and I laugh with him, then shaking my head disapprovingly.

“I wouldn't really know what happens at a party,honestly.” I shrug my shoulders, “But would you... want to come in...? Have some cake?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, stepping inside to get a full view of the party. “wow like all the girls are here.” he comments as everyone greets him and waves.

“I was just surprised as you were when Venus brought me here,” I shrug as we make our way to the cake.

“But everyone was sober and you weren’t walking in in the middle of truth or dare…” Nate jokingly replies with a laugh.

I snap my fingers and point to him, “Good point… so,” I say reaching the table, “Can I interest you with a slice of cake made by the talented Clara Éclair?”

Nate catches up to me, “Oh of course.”

“Here you go.” I say as hand him one of the plates that already had a slice of cake with a fork on it.

“Oh my gosh, just as good as the other one. I seriously don’t know how bakers do it.” Nate comments after taking his first bite.

“Baking is the closest thing we have to wizardry.” I laugh at his reaction, relating to how much I appreciated the cake- it was glorious.

“true, very true” he mumbles as he continues to dig into the slice of cake.

“So…” I start off, trying to make more conversation (I know, that’s a surprise even to me) “…how's your day been?”

I mentally face palm myself for using the worst conversation starter. Well, it’s not the worst to me, it’s actually something I would like to be asked every now and then- but I mentally berate myself for the lack of substance in my question.

“It’s been pretty well, how’s yours?”

“Well, you can guess that the day has been pretty eventful from this party alone.” I gesture to the girls still having a go at truth or dare.

“True.” he agrees looking to the group.

“I bet that you don't typically spend your birthdays like this…”

“Not really, my mom likes birthdays to just be family.”

“Really?” I raise my eyebrows, “So it's just you and your family together?”

Nate nods before giving his explanation, “the whole family together is always... something. Like I had to have a party for all the board members, other royals and important people of society because it was my 20th birthday and right before the selection. But my mom decides the actually birthday to just family, it’s really nice actually.”

“Huh, I remember watching a broadcast of that party- there was waaaay too many people for a party…” I remember watching that Report with the Bullets back in Fort Hamilton, when I was just a second lieutenant and my friends were still based in Illea, when everything was completely different.

I continue after being caught up in my thoughts for a second, “…but I guess that's the way things are for the Schreave's golden boy. It sounds nice that you got to spend your birthday with your family.”

A pang of jealousy strikes me at the thought of how united Nate’s family seemed, how it seemed like everyone really valued each other as member of the family, how stable they all were. I wanted that.

“Oh the golden boy?” he raises his eyebrow questioningly at me.

“You technically are their golden boy. Eldest son... heir to the throne... need I say more of your titles?” I explain to him smirking. Golden boy was just a nickname that naturally came to me, it described him perfectly quite honestly. He was golden.. That would have been a nice call sign if he were a pilot- though I’m pretty sure that the guards used something else when referring to him for security details.

“Oh I’ve heard Illeas Sweetheart from another selected,” he adds in good humor.

“Ah yes, Illea's Sweetheart- and let's not forget ‘Nate the ideal Mate’.” I respond, remembering a magazine cover I had saw laying on one of the tables on the library, I found that title hilarious- though probably not completely disagreeable.

Nate rolls his eyes, “who could forget that one.”

“Everyone basically loves you- hence... ‘Golden Boy’.” I reason with a laugh, it was like he was a compliment magnet.

“Thanks,” he laughs.

“Don't let it all get to your head though” I smirk, “You'll lose your charm.”

“You do realize this isn’t the first time I’ve heard those names.” Nate claire-ifies with me. ((Love you Claire <3 Don’t kill me for this pun))

“Of course... a guy like you? You probably hear that on a daily basis.” I muse.

“I’d say more weekly. But yes.”

“Weekly basis... how oddly specific!” I raise my eyebrow. Did he actually keep track?

“Interviews…” he explains further.

“Ahhhh... I get it.” I nod in amusement, still adding a teasing tone in my voice.

“What! I have to do them..” Nate exclaims, probably trying to clear his own reputation to me, and I’m trying not to laugh too much.

“Of course, because you're the golden boy.” I tease, enjoying using the new nickname.

“Okay you can stop it with the names now” he declares and I relent my name tirade.

“Okay okay..” I jokingly raise my hands in defeat, “Enough about being the golden boy…” I couldn’t resist using it one last time and it earns me a glare from Nate that makes me snicker a little.

“How are you holding up with the ball?” I ask while making sure to change the topic and avoid the temptation of calling him another nickname.

Nate shrugs, “I’m fine, it’s one of those things where you have to just be there. You can’t prepare yourself for it.”

“Lady Collette's been saying the same thing- doesn't stop her telling us every single bit of etiquette we should practice throughout the entire thing.”

“She takes her job... very seriously” Nate agrees.

“She does... she should consider an alternate career as a drill sergeant though, she'd fit right in.”

“I’ll let her know,” he winks at me jokingly.

“She does a good job though... teaching us stuff. I've definitely improved my ability to ‘glide through the dance floor like a swan on a lake’.” I explain, putting air quotations as I use the same description as Lady Collette often mentioned during practices.

“Oh is that what you’re supposed to do?” Nate exagerates with mock surprise, “I do more of a graceful elephant dancing on ice.” he smirks before chuckling.

“I'm pretty sure that elephants on ice still have a chance to be incredibly graceful.” I counter, though laughing with him. I’d pay good money to see his impression of graceful elephant dancing on ice tomorrow at the ball.

“Yeah okay. Are you all ready for tomorrow night?”

“Ready as I'll ever be,” I nod. “Well, I'm mentally preparing myself for all those... people that are gonna be there.”

It’s not that I hated people, I just felt overwhelmed by big groups of people and trying to not make a fool out of myself in front of all of them. Big groups of people always made it more difficult to observe things.

“It’s really only going to be the girls, guards, royal family and maybe a couple of board members. Nothing too crazy.” Nate reasons out, and I admit that it helps ease me.

“Nothing too crazy- yeah.” I try to shake my head, shaking off the unease. I shouldn’t be scared of some ball.

“Seriously they aren’t that bad. If anything they are boring. Unless all the girls get drunk,” Nate points to the girls, “which it seem like they might.”

I laugh, “I doubt it would be boring tomorrow but ... I wouldn't want to see everyone else get drunk. Some of us need to be the responsible adults.” I kinda felt the need to make sure everyone didn’t drink too much for tonight, it was my party afterall (well, it was hosted by Vee- but as the reason for the party, I felt the responsibility to make sure everyone was okay)

“It’ll happen, I’m betting it now.” Nate amusingly declares.

“And what would you exactly wage that all the girls would get drunk tomorrow?” I raise my eyebrow questioningly at him, surprised in the confidence of his statement.

“First of all I never said all of them. But at least…” Nate looks at the group, “7 of them. If 7 or more girls get drunk you owe me…”

I interrupt him with a scoff, “depends on what you'd be interested in getting from this…”

What he would want from me did intrigue me, honestly.

“Well how about this, if you win I can get you out of one day of lessons.” Nate offers with a raised eyebrow. One day off lessons, I’d love that- a day with no lesson or anything.

Now, I needed to offer my own proposal of what I’d do if I’d lose this bet. I didn’t have anything great to offer in exchange for that one day of freedom from lessons, and I doubt that Nate would be interested in getting flight lessons from me. Every action has its equal opposite reaction, and bets often worked that way too- with that I decide on my punishment in case I lose the bet (decide while mentally kicking myself, of course).

“Fine, if 7 or more girls get drunk… I will…” I roll my eyes at how stupid this was going to sound, “get as drunk as they are.”

“Seriously?” Nate raises his eyebrow in surprise.

“I'm serious,” I reply, looking him straight in the eye to prove it. “Unless you're interested in anything else?”

“Nope, I’m fine with you getting drunk. Deal?” he extends his hand out in front of him. Now or never, Marshall- the bet has been made, no backing out now.

I take his hand and shake it firmly, I’ll be damned if I backed out of a bet. “I can't believe my dignity is riding on everyone else's sobriety tomorrow.”

“No telling the girls about this. That’s unfair.” Nate adds in a serious tone.

“I'll play fair, your highness- don't sweat it.” I smirk. Scout’s Soldier’s honor.

“I’m not losing anything. It’s a win either way for you.” Nate smirks back at me before continuing, “but really you could get out of lessons. I wished for those days as a child.” he shares.

“I wish for them everyday,” I reply laughing earning me Nate’s accompanying laughter. As much as future queen duties were fascinating (well, not fascinating to me, but I’m sure that the other girls were fascinated), I often wondered what it was like for the king, the allocations for military budgets and resources, collaborating with the best generals for the country’s military strategy (a job my father briefly had served under here in Angeles)- a part of me was interested in knowing what it was like to handle those responsibilities, and an idea pops into my head.

“One more condition- If I get out of lessons, I want to spend it seeing what you actually do as a prince.”

I know Nate didn’t have the heavy load of tasks, seeing that he was still a monarch in training, but it was something different and maybe more of my speed and pay grade.

“Um…” he pauses to think for a moment.

“I’d have to ask my dad, but it’s also my dad so he’ll probably say yes, unless we have some big secret plan going on.” he smirks jokingly at me. “But you are mostly just going to be sitting there watching me do paperwork.”

“I'd take paperwork over sitting and getting lectured on the dos and don'ts for princesses-in-training.” It was all getting unnecessarily repetitive, honestly- a change in course topic would be refreshing.

“Okay then. It’s boring.” Nate mutters.

“Ahhh the burden of being royalty…” I say as I take a look at my watch to check the time.

12:07 AM

“Whoa, It's already Christmas morning.”

“Is it?” Nate proceeds to check his watch, “hm... it is. Well Merry Christmas.” he smiles.

“Merry Christmas, Natalie.” I smile back at him, leaning against the wall.

Nate rolls his eyes, “Another nick name from our very own Michelle.”

“Get used to it- Natalie's growing on me,” I laugh, “Or would you prefer Golden Boy?”

“Natalie is just fine.” he replies in exasperation.

Now that I knew it was Christmas day, a part of me wondered if Santa would show up in the palace bringing everyone gifts… gifts.. GIFTS! Speaking of gifts…

“So Natalie, On the topic of Christmas... how about you come with me for a while?” I ask, making my way to Vee’s door.

“Uh... sure…” he replies in a slightly confused tone as he follows me.

I lead him across the hallway, “We're just headed to my room across the hall, don't worry.”

“I wasn’t worried, more confused” he mutters.

“Let me spell it out: I'm getting your Christmas gift- hold on.” I open my door and leave the door open, “You can come in if you want.”

“Okay” he says as he walks right behind me, “what a nice room.” he comments.

“Thanks, I like to keep everything organized.” Well, it was a force of habit after living all those years in military school.

I open my closet and search for the present I had just wrapped a while ago after I picked it up from Shipka, who handled the mail. Ah, there it is. I pull out the small box.

“This just came in the mail today.” I explain as I walk up to him.

“I’m guessing that’s for me…” Nate wonders out loud.

“Indeed it is,” I offer him the present, “Merry Christmas.”

He accepts the box and starts to unwrap it, “You do know you didn’t have to get me something.”

“Nah, I figured that I wanted to get you something.” I shrug, if only he knew the day-long internal debate it took to figure that out.

“I asked Jace what you might want... and he said guitar picks and I know that you're a Potterhead from the others so... yeah I figured these.” I look down, trying to not make much eye contact- I wasn’t sure he was going to like the Harry Potter-themed guitar picks, “would be something you'd like.”

Despite my eyes downturned, I manage to see shock come across his expression before he smiles,“Wow, these are really cool. Oh my, thank you.”

“Yeah, I made sure to get a set.. cause I know that they're pretty easy to lose so yeah..” I laugh, trying to shake off my nerves- honestly, I shouldn’t be nervous, but I am and it building up inside of me. “Hope you like them.”

“I really do, thank you. Can I give you a hug...?” he says, and I’m surprised to hear him asking me that. Did he notice how I wasn’t the most comfortable with physical closeness? I’m astonished to say the least. Nate was beginning to earn more of my trust.

I rub my neck, thinking about it. I wouldn’t mind it… anymore. A hug felt like a nice thing to have right now.

“Yeah, sure.” I agree, opening my arms to him.

In a split second, I feel my nerves ease as he wraps his arms around me. It’s a sudden silence and heat that comforts me, the kind that made my heart leap. Being this close to him makes me realize how warm he was to hold, and I wouldn’t have minded basking in his heat a little longer.

“Thank you,” Nate gives me a one side smile as we break apart, and a part of me instantly misses his warmth. But the two of us resume that comfortable distance away from each other, and I’m thankful that it doesn’t feel awkward.

“I feel like I should be thanking you,” I laugh, pushing my hair behind my ear before I put my hands behind my back.

“Why?”

“You have no idea how worried I was if you'd like the gift or not.” I explain to him.

Nate laughs, “They literally are my two favorite things.”

“Good to know that I didn't mess up.” I smile, I’ve always liked getting people the right gifts, Nate was no different.

“Now I feel like my leggings weren’t good enough.” he shakes his head.

“What? No! I'd probably use them as much as I can.” The leggings Nate gave a while ago was actually really pretty (and they were navy blue too)

“Okay good” Nate lets out a sigh of relief.

I pat his shoulder reassuringly, “ I like them a lot, trust me.”

He flashes another infectious smile, and I’m starting to realize how much time we’ve spent away from the party. I check my watch and confirm my realization.

“We should be headed back to Vee's room... or I should at least be back at my own party.” I tell him, taking a step back from him and towards the door.

“Maybe, you are the guest of honor.” He replies.

“Duty calls,” I laugh. “Thank you for visiting the party, by the way.” I turn to him as we start walking to my door, “Too bad that you missed Taylor Swift.”

“No problem, happy birthday and now merry Christmas.” he says walking with me.

“You too Natalie,” I open the door for the two of us and walk out into the hallway with him.

“Have fun at your party. Tell all the girls bye for me,” Nate waves as I watch him walk away before going back inside Vee’s room and catch some of the girls still having a go at Truth or Dare where we continued to laugh and have fun throughout the entire night and into the morning.

#ch marshall #Marshall fics #side fics #marshall's birthday #nate tag #((now you guys know what I meant about research^tm purposes))#((thank you for answering the survey #results of the bet will appear in challenge 4))

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erinyessaturni · 7 years

Text

Just a little open-ness.

This is going to be *exceptionally* long. I’m putting it under a cut.

Curiosity may get the better of some of my followers and that’s okay. I’m trying to be open and work through some things on my own until I can get a therapist. All I ask is that you are respectful and show discretion and being as I am working through things myself, I’m feeling very raw. This whole thing might be raw and scrambled.

If you do intend to read, I’ll just give a warning that it includes mention of abuse (emotional, physical, and sexual) and suicide.

I’m having another difficult night. It’s been almost a week since I’ve gone to bed at a ‘decent’ time. 6am seems to be my bedtime now until about 6pm unless I have to go to work. It’s not something particularly new, but I had got better about my sleeping schedule.

I mentioned earlier that my mom posted something about the abuse she endured from my dad. It didn’t go into immense detail, but she did explain how helpless she felt at the time. How vulnerable. Why she left me and my brother with my dad and how the church handled it. (News flash, not well. Divorce isn’t something you do in her religion)

She’s talked to me about this before, when I asked because I was old enough to want to know. She gave me many tips for when it seemed the abuse turned toward me.

Lately, and especially after the 2016 election, my father and I have drifted further and further apart. I will get into that later, but I think the root starts when I was four.

Four was a big year in my life. Perhaps I could even go as far as to say it started when I was three, but four is where I think it all truly begins.

Four was when my mother finally left. When my father gave her “permission” to leave. Her permission? “Fine then, go.”

That statement is what gave her the final step out of the door. The permission to leave. Apparently, my father was a very angry man even then. He was then and still is a martial artist, and we had a punching bag in the basement of our house. Mom says that he would get angry and go hit it so hard the walls would shake.

Being four, I don’t remember much of any of this. But I do remember the door slamming behind my mother’s retreating form. I remember wondering why she didn’t come home. I remember crying myself to sleep at night for many, many years to come.

Four was the year I lost my brother in a terrible, tragic accident. An accident that I thought was my own fault for many, many years. To this day, I still blame myself just a little though I know better.

Even at four I apparently knew to lie about what happened. I told my dad I tried to catch him. I didn’t want to be in trouble. He believed me. Apparently, he believed me until I was twenty four when we were just discussing various things.

According to my mom, four was also the age where my dad already had a girlfriend. My dad already had a girlfriend.

They weren’t divorced yet.

And he had a fucking girlfriend in the hospital waiting room while my little brother was on life support dying. My mother rushed to the hospital to find him with another woman and a dying son and a four year old who didn’t understand yet the permanency of death.

Thing is, yeah. Memory can get skewed. You can remember things differently many years down the road, especially when you need to explain it to your questioning child. I have heard both sides of the divorce story and I am far more inclined to believe my mom for reasons that will be covered soon.

My brother had two funerals because apparently my dad couldn’t get along with my mom’s family long enough to say goodbye to my brother. I don’t remember both funerals but I think I attended them both. My dad fought and argued with family on a day where everyone was hurting.

I didn’t yet understand that when I put my brother’s little red fire truck and his teddy bear into the casket that it would be the last time I’d look upon him. My little brother, who was only two and a half. The little boy I did everything with.

And my dad chose not to put his differences aside.

They divorced somewhere in here. I don’t know where. I didn’t see my mom much for the next three years because my dad had made my mom feel like she was inadequate and a bad mother. She left us with my dad because she didn’t have a stable living condition, money to her name, etc. She felt like she couldn’t take care of us and so she let us stay. So she could be safe.

My first christmas without my mom or my brother, I can recall clearly. I told my dad and my grandma I didn’t want any presents. I wanted my mom and my brother.

My dad claimed for the next twenty three years (and counting) that my mom abandonned us. Abandonned me. That she never wanted me. He also claims that I didn’t want to see her. I don’t recall ever hating my mom, but being confused and hurt.

My mom claims that she did try to see me as soon as she was able.

My dad claims my mom owes thousands in unpaid child support. My mom says that the court ruled in her favor and she was able to pay less because she couldn’t afford the huge bill.

Because he moved me all the fucking away across the country. Out of her reach.

I didn’t see my mom for a very long time. My dad remarried, giving me a new mom and five stepsiblings. Stepsiblings to hated me. A stepmother who was severely mentally unstable. She was the reason that my entire summer with my mom was reduced to six months, because that’s all her ex got.

This woman was cruel to me. Her children were cruel to me. Less than three years after losing my mother I had a horrible replacement who I was nothing but obedient for. If I didn’t finish my food--all of my food--I would be sent to bed without dinner. I hated crusts and still do. I still can’t eat apple cores. But I went hungry a lot. She washed my mouth out with soap--liquid amway soap that I am pretty sure is toxic--because I said I had finished the litterbox. I was seven and didn’t do it perfectly and honestly thought I had finished.

This bipolar woman (yes, she was diagnosed) had a purse full of pills, had severe anxiety and panic attacks, and could seemingly swing from one extreme to the next in a snap. One day we would be having ‘princess lessons’ where she would dote on me, make things with me, bake with me. The next I would be kicked out of the house until sundown or later. She would threaten to “Pound me into oblivion” if I didn’t finish such and so chore here within a ‘reasonable’ amount of time. She would pull my hair and it was a toss up if I wanted my hair done up (my hair always needed to be up since it was past my butt) or have my hair pulled.

I lived with this woman for five years and her hellspawn that would steal my toys and claim they were theirs. My dad would always take their side. I was constantly in trouble and grounded.

The timeline blurs here a bit, but as I myself can recall as soon as she got pregnant they got a nasty divorce. Nasty, horrible, wicked with child custody battles raging on and on.

I only met my sister perhaps twice. I only got to hold my infant sister once. My father had to have all of his visitation watched because my ex-stepmother started a rumor and accusation that can never be taken back.

I had CPS visit while I was visiting my mom to ask me if anyone had ever touched me badly. I was confused, already very mixed up, I didn’t understand why they would ask me something like that. My daddy would never. I had the presence of mind to know *exactly* what they were asking of me. I had grown up too fast. I was only twelve.

Those charges were dropped. For a time.

Though I never knew there were any actual charges anyway.

My dad eventually gave up any and all rights to my sister. For his and my safety, apparently. My ex-stepmother was a piece of work to be sure...but I never saw my sister again. I think she’s 15 or 16 now. I went snooping once and last I knew owls were her favorite and her favorie movie was Guardians of Gahool or whatever it’s called. Still haven’t seen that movie. Still can’t listen to “part of your world” because that was the last song I sang to her because I wanted SO BADLY to have my little sister. To have a sibling no matter how far apart in age we were.

Expunged

This next part is very sensitive. I’m not even sure if I should post it. I don’t know if I should post any of this. I know there’s a whole other half of this story. I know I’m a terrible person because there were more victims than just me. I know that these victims suffered so much more than I did and for a lot longer. I’m trying to work through this and trying to forgive.

When I was 17 I was with my mom for the summer. Everything was great until one fateful day. Someone messaged me who I thought was a friend saying my father was on the run and was going to be dragged to jail. Panicking I called him and he was at home with no idea what was going on.

A week later apparently he was in jail for the thing my ex-stepmother had begun. This was used against him. Everything about this is such a blur, but I nearly didn’t come home that summer. Without much detail, my dad was accused of a V E R Y serious crime. There were multiple witnesses, etc, etc, etc. This was all later proven to be absolutely false and the victims were threatened to give such testimony. And unfortunately their suffering didn’t end for years. I don’t really know what happened to them, but my father was proven innocent and it was instead another man.

I know I’m a monster for...I don’t want to say I don’t care. I considered these people friends once. But with so much hurt already, I’ve closed my heart on this situation for my own safety. It’s been ten years and I hope in time I can be as forgiving as everyone else has been.

But that summer is the year that everything truly went south with me and my dad. That summer was the end.

My dad had become a bit paranoid and with good reason. Enemies were lurking amongst friends. But we dealt with it.

He said I didn’t look at him the same way. Such events change a person, but I was still his loving child. I still viewed us as friends. I was always more friends with my dad than anything.

We would tell each other everything. I needed to know everything that was going on because (surprise surprise I found out later) I have anxiety. He was the cool dad, the fun dad. The dad who spoilt me rotten and gave me everything I wanted. The dad who told other parents that they were too strict and that he let me do whatever the hell I wanted because I was a good kid. He’s lucky I didn’t get myself in big fucking trouble with drugs, alcohol, the law, etc. He’s lucky I didn’t come home pregnant.

Honestly, as my mom puts it, he needed me more than I needed him.

By about november of 2010 when I was 19, I told him I was moving out. By this point his yelling had escalated, I couldn’t do anything right. I never wanted to be home, I don’t remember there being any good food in the house. The heat was off in the middle of winter. He had married the woman--the mother--of those who had accused my father a year before. He’s still married to her.

I moved out and into my grandmother’s house on my mom’s side. My grandma and grandpa who I loved but never saw much because I just...my dad kept me away or something. I never got close to them until I moved in.

I moved out with his blessing on one condition. That I’d attend this ‘training’. It was a cult thing. Supposed to be uplifting and help you learn about yourself and get rid of bad habits, I don’t know. I attended the children’s version around 8 or 9.

I did it to get him off my back, but this place was like a cult. Under the guise of bettering yourself, you endure a week of abuse. I left that training starved, dehydrated (they don’t let you out for breaks in an 8 hour session except like. Once? Maybe twice?) and I had already thrown up foam after being emotionally stressed out during a “hit the chair and let your feelings out” session. For someone as empathetic as I am that was NOT a good situation. Another man in the room BROKE his chair and broke his hand.

But I survived it. I smiled and pretended everything was hunkydory. Hunkydory what a word.

I graduated highschool late, and my dad attended my graduation. As did my mom and some of her family. My dad hung out at the back and didn’t engage much. I was trying to juggle everyone. He eventually just kinda congratulated me and left. This was the start of him pulling away.

My dad pulled away from me. Said it was to give me space and let me live my life. But then he starts throwing fits, asking why I don’t talk to him, etc, etc. I’ve told him time and time and time again that he can emssage me. I’m just busy. I’m working, I’m just trying to survive day to day life. It doesn’t eman I don’t love him.

He still refuses to message me first, even just a hello.

And now

After the 2016 election. I think he’s gone off the deep end.

He supports Trump, which is against everything I stand for and everything that I am. He’s militant about it. He goes and posts on EVERYTHING political. It’s a bunch of psychobabble bullshit that I don’t think he even understands. I am 98% sure he’s paranoid. Like. Everyone is out to get him and he’s been like that for years, but now it’s so much worse.

He posts on MY stuff to argue. He messages me privately. And keep in mind, this is also with him not talking to me on a regular basis. All he seems to want to do is fight and argue. It’s like he wants to push me away.

My mom is trying to gently coax me to cut him off. Just for a while. But aside from his political ranting and basically calling me stupid and without indpendant thought (He thinks I’m a fucking sheep) in so many words he doesn’t talk to me. I barely got a happy birthday message and as mad as I am at him, I still cried over it. I got a very blunt message on my fb wall of just ‘happy birthday’. Thing is I could cut him off but it wouldn’t do anything. If I do it quietly I’ll hear about it eventually. If I give him a long speech about how terrible he is, it’ll be worse.

Remember how we used to talk about everything? He once told me that he would have committed suicide a long time ago if I weren’t in his life. And I CANNOT handle that. I CANNOT handle something like that. I cannot handle the thought of it. I cannot handle the possibility.

I CAN NOT.

If this were a romantic relationship I would have cut him off so fucking long ago.

But he’s my fucking father.

And this is barely the tip of the iceburg.

This isn’t all of it.

This was supposed to just be about my father and trying to get some feeligns. But it...it’s all kind of fucking connected isn’t it?

I know no one is goign to read this buf if you made it this far...I’m sorry you got a glimpse of what my life has been like. This isn’t here to gain sympathy or get ‘poor you’s from anyone.

I just needed to put it out there. I had to just...put it out there. Because while I have a spouse who loves me and supports me, they can’t handle all of my baggage and damage on top of theirs. And I’m not going to make them.

This has gone on long enough. I feel sick and my head hurts so bad...

Until my next rant.

#Personal #Just a lot of fucked up life shit #Khrys is just being open with themselves

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luvbotclub · 7 years

Text

— bubblegum pink. + finn bálor [1]

→ request: ― just a small thing I did!!

→ word count: 4,544

→ content warnings: FLUFFY!FINN. alcohol mention (and use). some swearing. shitty ending. I guess that’s it.

→ note: this is finally done. my suffering is goddamn over. but I’m really somehow proud of this so I hope you all like it! shoutout to some of my friends on Quotev who have seen my work and have complimented it. I’m trying to tackle on more of the wrestler’s head in here instead of the usual where I focus on the reader’s mind, so this may look 100% shitty but i tried ok :’) enough babbling, i really hope you enjoy this!!

→ tag list: @rxvolutionvries, @danbanks35, @trulydarcy

masterlist | post your feedback here

She walked into the sweaty place with the air bouncing off of her, like a halo was on the top of her messy head and every step she took with her stilettos were worth dying for. He’s the only sober one out of his group, as much as it sounded embarrassing to admit. He never really was the kind who got too wild in parties anyway.

The night after a Takeover is where all the stress and the adrenaline and the tension go with the wind. Where all victories were celebrated on the dancefloor and all the losses were coped in by downing tequila shots and being encouraged by strangers to order the strangest and most expensive drink there is in the bar. Honestly, Finn is still unaware why he’s here in the first place even though being only three hours in into the sweaty ‘fun’. In all honesty he could have been reading a good book right now or just enjoying the small quiet his hotel room reserved or listening to the soft buzzing of the busy street below.

After-night parties were never his thing. He didn’t like how sweaty people would sit next to him and how disgustingly hot their breaths were— it’s understandable that they were being wild and incredulously lewd, but, maybe they can stay away from him and find another shoulder to cry on about how their ex dumped them in front of hundreds of people in the community mall? He just didn’t like being in bars. He’d rather be anywhere but here, really.

Charlotte just had to pick a karaoke bar. Of all bars in this damned place. Now Sami is drunkenly singing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion with an also drunk Shinsuke providing backup vocals, or so he said. They really weren’t singing, they were just slurring over their words in a horrible attempt to sing. They were hitting the high notes with a couple of voice cracks here and there and Finn swore he went deaf for a second. He was simply staring out of the window of their booth, completely bored and sober and looking at random people with his chin set on the leather cushion when she walked over to the counter and reserved a booth for her and her friends, who were already in the mood to hit the high notes and cause people their eardrums, by the looks in their eyes as they stared at the booths.

A happy glint in her eyes. Air bouncing off of her. A halo on top of her messy head. Each step worth dying for. Bubblegum pink dress gleaming under the soft boom of music and the buzz of lights. Bubblegum pink.

He felt the cushion weigh next to him and saw Charlotte’s blonde head look out the window, too, a goofy grin on her face. “Who are you looking at, my chum pal friend?” she whispered excitedly, as though they were children talking about their crushes in front of their parents. Finn chuckled at her. Obviously she’s drunk— who’d use ‘chum’, ‘pal’, and ‘friend’ all in one sentence? Drunk Charlotte, apparently. “Does my little Finnegan have a crush on a particular someone?”

“She’s not my crush, Char,” Finn rolled his eyes at her, moving his gaze away from the bubblegum pink girl. “Just… she’s kinda cute?”

“Kinda?” Charlotte blurted, as though he said something punishable by death. “Are you fucking blind? Look at her. Don’t give me the ‘she’s kinda cute’ treatment.” She shook her glass and took a sip. “Many men have said that. Many of them are actually in love with the girl. Is ‘she kinda cute’? I don’t think so. If that’s called being kinda cute then the whole damn women’s division here is kinda cute.” She grinned at him again and gave him a subtle wink that made him smile slightly. “Talk to her. Buy her a drink. Maybe make some new acquaintances tonight? You’re gonna be friendless really soon.”

She stood up and walked over to the ‘fun’ and left him with her ringing words. Drunk Charlotte. Why in the fuck would he listen to a drunk Charlotte? Last time he listened to a drunk Charlotte, he almost got his tongue stuck in a shot glass because she said ‘you could get the lime at the bottom’. He was young and naïve and new to the aspects of NXT and victory parties. He learned his lesson then— don’t listen to drunk people. They’re drunk. (Well… duh. Obviously.) They’re practically saying nonsense. Slurred words are not to be taken seriously.

Maybe Charlotte isn’t saying nonsense this time. Maybe he should really talk to her.

Tongue almost got stuck in a shot glass, Bálor. Keep your head in.

He needed new friends.

Fine. Drunk Charlotte won. He’ll be giving her five dollars tomorrow if this night ended well.

Finn finally stood up. It was the only time he stood up this night, unless you counted going to the bathroom to wash his hands every damn thirty minutes and escape the murder of his eardrums. He walked slowly out of the booth, his damned co-workers cheering for him as he made his grand exit— Charlotte might’ve filled them up with the situation already. But it didn’t really matter. How much will they remember in the morning anyway, when their heads are pounding and memories are fuzzy?

He made his way towards her after she talked with the receptionist. Her friends gave him these strange looks like Finn did something wrong— well, not technically. He’s been given these looks like he’s about to do the worst, punishable-by-death kind of thing in his life. He cleared his throat, meaning to actually clear his throat, not to snap the girl’s attention to him. His friends rolled their eyes.

Good job on a first impression, Finn.

He read somewhere while scrolling in Facebook that good first impressions can lead to a good relationship— so in this case, if he and this bubblegum pink girl hit it off and had a friendship, it wouldn’t be so good. He’s not sure, for all he knew the article could have been just another bullshit story in the internet.

Not really sure.

Fuck it anyway.

“Oh, hey,” the girl said, grinning kindly at him.

Angelic voice. Dashing grin. Kind personality. Marry me.

“Hi,” Finn said stupidly, and he mentally slapped himself. He stuck his hand out and she shook it. “I’m Finn. And you are…?”

“(Y/N).”

“What a beautiful name for a beautiful lady,” he said, and internally groaned for his cheesiness. He’s notoriously known for being the cheesy pick-up liner. His co-workers wouldn’t let him live this down if they ever knew. “I saw you from my booth. You look really lovely.”

“Oh, thank you very much!” (Y/N) answered, smiling from ear to ear at the compliment. “You look very lovely yourself, Finn.” Noticing that she still had friends who were waiting for the booth number, she looked over her shoulder and coughed nervously, “Booth 109. Right around the corner. Can you guys wait for me there?”

With sighs of relief and a few nods, they walked away. One of them, who had a small voice, shouted over her shoulder, “Get laid, (Y/N)!” before turning the corner and disappearing.

“They hate me,” said (Y/N) deprecatingly, later grinning up at him.

“I’m sure they don’t,” Finn assured, giving her a small smile, “you look like someone who’s hard to hate.”

“I’m pretty sure they do, after how many times I said I didn’t wanna go here in the first place,” smiled (Y/N), leaning against the wall. “I mean, it’s just… really noisy and sweaty here? I get the point that you really should be loud here but… I really didn’t want to go.”

Laughing, Finn said, “Same situation with my friends. Is there a celebratory party going on?”

“Yup. Promotion, kinda. One of them has a stable job or some shit. You?”

“Victory and loser party. I hate it there.”

(Y/N) giggled. Snorting, she said, “Victory and loser party? That’s new. I want to try and throw a party like that one of these days.”

“Yeah, well,” he said, scratching the back of his head as he chuckled softly, “my friends and I are wrestlers, you see. The winners from the pay-per-view earlier are gonna be the ones who treat the losers with drinks. Losers pay for the karaoke— but they’re the ones who use it anyway.”

“And how about you? Are you a loser or a winner?”

“Winner,” he grinned.

“Ah, parties…” (Y/N) sighed, resting her head against the cold cement. “I dressed up like this when I really thought about ditching on them.”

They looked at each other with serious expressions on their faces before finally falling into a fit of laughter. Spluttering yet another laugh, Finn said, “Well, I was about to ask you out for a drink but seeing as we both hate it here…”

“Let’s ditch on our friends. I don’t give a fuck about Henry’s emotional speech about his promotion anyway,” she shrugged, walking towards the exit, “and you don’t give a fuck about your victory and loser party.”

And so, they ditched on their friends with suppressed giggles. They ran around Brooklyn in a haste— it was late at night, no one would be really bothered by them, and no one would bother them. It’s just him, her, and the moon that night. Nothing else. It’s just their pounding hearts inside their chests and their pride worn across their chests. Nothing else. Just two sober strangers making jokes and being close to each other. Nothing else. It’s just a black buttoned-up man and a bubblegum pink woman.

Nothing else.

Their close ‘relationship’, it wasn’t anything strange. Or weird. Or misplaced. In a world like this, like theirs— this kind of love is a normal, acceptable, placed thing. Not anything to be judged at. Nor to be looked down upon.

They settled down in a bench near an almost empty McDonald’s. It was late. So late. But the moon still shone as bright as the sun did, their skin gleaming with her peppered kisses of moonlight. But the cars still buzzed as strong as lightning. But their hearts were still pounding loudly in their ribcages.

Her hair’s in a ponytail now, with tiny wisps escaping out of the elastic band. Her dress is still satin and lace and bubblegum pink and shone under the moonlight. She was holding the bottle of vodka in her hand, laughing slightly as she took it out of the paper bag. “Have you ever drank alcohol while being with a stranger before?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I haven’t, but I’d like to try, m'lady,” Finn said sarcastically, wiggling his eyebrows at her suggestively. She rolled her eyes, hit him on the arm, cranked open the bottle, and took a deep drink before handing the alcohol to him. “Have you?” he asked, after taking a drink and they stayed in silence, just watching teenagers stumble their way through their drunkenness and to their homes with bleeding knuckles.

“Hm?”

“Have you ever been drunk with a stranger before?”

“No. But I’m about to.”

“Yeah,” murmured Finn, taking another drink before passing her the bottle and she did the same. “Brooklyn is really pretty at nighttime.” He softly groaned as he sat back and watched the soft city. She looked back at him, eyebrows furrowed in a joking matter as she smiled at him suggestively.

Laughing softly, she said, “Yup” and took another drink before passing the bottle back to him— it’s kind of a cycle. Take two drinks and then give the bottle to the person next to you. “See those skyscrapers over there?” she pointed somewhere far. Behind all the trees and the bars and the empty McDonald’s. Behind all of those, there were mighty skyscrapers standing tall and chivalrous. Built by a person’s hand. How odd. “I want to be like them.”

“You wanna be tall and might?” Finn said jokingly, smiling when she giggled.

“Yup, I want to be tall and might like the skyscrapers, Bálor,” answered (Y/N) sarcastically, looking behind her shoulder and giving him a sharp wink. Luckily the ‘Open 24/7’ neon sign that McDonald’s had was slowly faltering, if it hadn’t been for that she could have seen Finn’s heated cheeks.

“But, no, really.” She sounded more serious now. More formal. “I wanna be like them because I want to look untouchable. Invincible. People can never say bad things to skyscrapers. I want to be like them because I’m exhausted of my unstable life. Fired here, fired there— I’m trying as hard as I can to have a job. Really. It might not look like it but I really am trying. Then I have to see my friends be successful while I’m here trying to be happy for them. I can’t stand to see another promotion party. I can’t stand being completely vulnerable to people’s talk at me.”

Drunk. Slurred words. Droopy eyes. Weird hand gestures.

“I’m not drunk, by the way,” (Y/N) said all of a sudden. She took the bottle in his hands and took another drink. “I’m just… babbling. Haven’t been really able to speak my mind for a couple of days. But it’s kinda strange, isn’t it? I’m jealous of skyscrapers and that probably doesn’t even make any sense right now.”

Finn scoffed playfully. “Oh, so of all things you said to me, you think the strange thing is you’re jealous of skyscrapers but not the fact that you’re practically ranting to a person you barely know?”

“I know you. I know you’re a nerd for almost everything. I know you like convenience store-brand vodka.” She shrugged at that, a goofy grin settling on her face as he stopped staring at the bottle in her hands and started looking at her in disbelief. “But anyways, you’re drunk, right?”

They looked at each other for a moment before grinning. “We’re sober adults, you and me both, (Y/N).”

“You’re right, you’re right,” she said, throwing her hands in the air as a I-give-up kind of gesture. “Wanna wander aimlessly for a little while? Our friends will start to worry in like, a few hours, anyway.”

“More like your friends,” Finn grinned. “Mine are drunk and most probably still singing their fucking hearts out.”

(Y/N) put a hand over her chest, as though she was offended over something he had said. “I did not take you for someone who use swear words. I thought you were a good, innocent boy.”

“I’m not that innocent.”

“Oh, baby, I know,” she gave him a playful wink and they both snickered. Both of them had heated cheeks, Finn’s from her wink and her suggestive remark and (Y/N)’s from the vodka.

“I’ll get you for that.”

“Oh, sure. Race me to the heart of that park over there.” Her pointer finger was aimed at a park a good block away from them. “If you win, I’ll give you my number. If I win, you’ll treat me to McDonald’s. I guess, if we both win you’ll have my number, and I’ll have my McDonald’s.”

And at that, she stood up and began to run down the street. She threw her arms in the air again and screamed out a loud “Fuck!” and continued to run before Finn realized what was happening and decided to get up and follow her— without a care for incoming cars. They were getting tipsy, and now, at this time, cars only dragged along the road every few hours. And now, at this point, they didn’t really care.

What was happening: he’s racing a girl he barely knows. He’s going to treat her to McDonald’s if he lost.

His reward: her number.

The air felt strangely warm. Warm as in the country summers and the apple-picking weeks. Warm as in the sunny days in the beach. It felt foggy. Thick. Every step he took, it felt like parting the atmosphere between them and the bubblegum pink. Every step he took, he felt younger and younger.

He had never been with someone who made him feel young and whole again— who didn’t make him feel like he was obligated to act mature in a completely non-rational situation. She made him feel the opposite. She made him feel like he was meant to do something more in life than travel around the world and do a couple of dropkicks here and there and wrestle his heart out, like he was meant to have space for his heart other than wrestling.

Each step she took, the air radiates off of her. The halo on top of her messy head is glowing as bright as it did hours earlier, when she was sober and acting self-deprecatingly. The ecstasy in her eyes— it never went away permanently. It did, for a moment— when she was talking about skyscrapers. But it never did die. It just… disappeared but stayed there, waiting for a moment to shine in the darkness.

When they both saw multiple gleaming streetlights planted on the dirt, they knew they were nearing their destination. The air is still foggy, thick, parting, warm like the apple-picking weeks. Their steps are in a haste, desperate to get their rewards. (Not him—not that much anyway.) Their hearts are pounding against their chests as loud as a beating drum in noisy parades. Their minds are fogged with nothing but white noise and alcohol filling empty cracks that never needed to be filled.

Finally they entered the mighty gate. The park is still open, even at this time of night. The gravel crunched underneath their feet as they increased speed. Their hands were balled into fists so tight to the point that their knuckles turned white.

“I’m going to get my French fries, motherfucker.”

Her laughter filled the void that even the quiet of his hotel rooms couldn’t. Her smile brought the light he thought he never needed. She— she made him feel something he never thought he would feel. Something he thought he never needed.

“I’m going to get your fucking number.”

It really can’t be.

“We’ll see about that!”

He can ignore it. He’s tipsy. She’s tipsy.

“You can’t fucking beat me!”

The world is practically amazing right now. It’s not true.

Heels scratching on dirt. An arm hitting a pebble. They laid on the ground, both silent except from their soft gasps of breath. Finn smiled.

He. Is. Drunk. He shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The sky, a light swirl of lilacs and blues and pinks now instead of deep blue with stars like diamonds, was spinning. Their heads were pounding and she was still holding the bottle in her hand.

But if she says another word. If she smiles another smile. If he feels young again.

“Fuck.” He was breathing heavily.

Then he’ll admit it. He’ll let himself feel it.

“I never felt that kind of adrenaline since I was a kid.” And with that, (Y/N) sat up. She was smiling at him. And her face is a masterpiece. A painting of some kind. Her emotions were the watercolor that would spread. And as she drunk the vodka again, the beverage stood as her eraser. It removed all her emotions. It removed all the paint on her face. Washed her with a warm cloth. It removed all flaws until her face is bare. Until her face is like a boring, old canvas, waiting to taste some kind of pain, some kind of unbearable serenity, some kind of recklessness.

He swooned. He felt young. He felt like the world, somehow… it mattered. It didn’t spin, it didn’t feel like it made no sense anymore. The way she smiles, the way she talks and the way she was afraid to show her emotion. It made him feel like the world isn’t doing cartwheels anymore, it made him feel like the world finally made sense. He felt a tremble in his chest, a pounding against his ribcage, a small switch flick in his brain. He felt all levels of weirdness. He can’t feel his legs.

Fuck it then. He’s in love.

Not with the city. Not with the sky. Not with the soft grass pressed against his back. Not with the convenience store-brand vodka. But with how her lips curved into a small smug smile, how her laugh echoed in his head as a soft melody, how she filled every corner with her radiating air. With how the halo on top of her head glowed as bright as ever. With how her face looked like a painting, alcohol serving as her destroyer. With how desperate she is to get treated to a McDonald’s that she almost broke her ankle in the process. With how the world seemed so amazing, so pure, so meaningful— sober or not—because of her. With how the bubblegum pink dress gleamed with every move she made. He’s in love. With her.

Does that make sense? Is that acceptable? Is it okay to fall in love?

So many questions. But there’s only one answer. He doesn’t want to know. He just wants to savour this moment, fall in love with someone who he’ll lose soon, get drunk with someone who’s going to lose him, too.

“We should go and get your well-deserved McDonald’s then,” Finn rasped, offering a small wink that made her cheeks blush. “Are you sure your ankle is okay?”

“I’m fine, I don’t need a piggyback ride or anything,” joked (Y/N), which made him roll his eyes and stand up. She stood up, too, after being offered a hand. “But,” she started, as they calmly walked back to the bench and the almost empty McDonald’s and the lamppost, “I don’t mind a piggyback ride from you, seeing how well-built the mighty Finn Bálor is.”

“I promise you a piggyback ride soon.”

“Pssh. Stop that.”

“Stop what?” he questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

“Stop making promises you never really intend to keep.”

Finn looked at her with a bewildered expression, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “I have that habit of making promises. I also have that habit of keeping them.”

“People can’t promise you anything.”

“I think, in all thirty-four years I’ve lived through, I’ve picked that up already.”

(Y/N) laughed a glorious laugh. Smiled another light smile. “I guess.” As they both stepped inside the McDonald’s, the smell of cooking meat overwhelmed them. “Apple pie and fries?”

“Apple pie and fries.”

And now they’re back in the park again, sitting on the soft grass with their legs crossed. They looked like children, hungry and lost. They were washing fries down with vodka and choking on their words. She didn’t mind sharing. She didn’t mind him lying down on the grass while he finished the rest of the vodka. She didn’t mind how she opened up about her past relationships. She didn’t mind opening up to him like a book waiting to be read.

“So, that’s the story of how my foot got stuck in a wall.”

“Why kick it in the first place?” Finn laughed, and she shrugged playfully as she clapped the salt off of her fingers. He looked up to the sky. It’s early. 5 AM. He has to leave soon. “We should head back. Our friends might be looking for us.”

“Oh, y—” Her ringtone hit. She fished for her phone in her purse and laughed.

“What is it?” Instead of giving him a verbal reply, (Y/N) turned her phone and made him read the reason why she laughed. Two text messages from Henry, the guy who got promoted.

HENRY — (Y/N), where the actual fuck are you? Aria is drunk off of her ass and had already puked on Oliver’s sweatshirt. (Sent: 5:02 AM)

HENRY — Update on Aria: Slightly sober. Threw up again when Oliver suggested getting seafood. (Sent: 5:03 AM)

“Speaking of friends.” She grinned devilishly and locked her phone. Picking up the plastic bag of McDonald’s on the grass, she smiled at him. They walked back to the bench, to the empty McDonald’s, the skyscrapers. They felt exhausted, like any second they can collapse. Every inch of their bodies are tensed to the point that every move hurt.

The karaoke bar with its shining neon sign and vibrations came to view once they rounded the corner, both engulfed with silence. “Thank you,” (Y/N) whispered, grabbing Finn so they were hidden from Henry and his pack. “Thank you so fucking much. This is the best night of my life. Or morning. Whatever.” They both suppressed a snicker. “Give me your phone.” And so he did, gave her his phone unlocked, not even asking why. After a few seconds, she handed his phone back to him. “There’s my number.”

And suddenly, a shout of, “(Y/N), I know you’re there!” interrupted Finn’s mixed feelings and the small flip his stomach did.

“It’s Henry,” she whispered. “I got to go.”

Before she turned the corner again, (Y/N) grabbed the collar of his shirt and pressed her lips firmly against his. The force of it so strong that it almost knocked Finn over. The flip his stomach did repeated, the mixed feelings weren’t so mixed. He only felt one thing and the space in his heart got filled, finally.

He’s in love. He’s not terrified. He’s not doubtful. Only hopelessly in love.

“For so many hours, you made me want to do that to you,” (Y/N) confessed, after pulling away. And there she goes again. Spilling her heart out without a care. He admired that. “And you know what’s crazy? I’m in love with you.”

I’m. In. Love. With. You. Five words that made Finn’s mind explode.

“It’s not crazy.” And that’s true. “Love is love.”

“I guess so.” And with that, she leaned in again and kissed him. Eager but passionate. Soft but rough at the edges. Sweet but poisonous. It felt like the kiss is somehow making him feel everything she felt a few hours ago. Like she was transferring her own emotions, her watercolors, to him— emotionless, a boring, old canvas.

She pulled away. The flow of emotions stopped and he was no longer a watercolor painting, no longer a masterpiece created by her calloused hands and bruised knuckles and fingertips. Winking at him, she backed away slowly. To the road. Away from their fire. Away from their beacon. Away from him.

And with that, the sky turned lilac and bright orange and the sun balanced on the horizon. Birds were flying. The people are awake, ready to start their busy city life once more. The dark yellow cab was waiting for her and the promoted-stable-life Henry and the drunk Aria and Oliver with the puked-on sweatshirt. It was morning.

Her dress swished side to side when she made each step, the satin and lace gleaming under the sunlight. The halo on her head is still glowing, more iridescent as ever. Each step carried a weight that even the cement can’t handle. Each step, the air radiated off of her. And the bubblegum pink dress. Everything had a change of heart but it stayed there. Glowing. Radiating. Still satin and lace.

Still bubblegum pink.

#[ helluvakiick ] ;; writing #finn bálor #finn bálor x reader #finn bálor x reader oneshot #finn bálor oneshot #finn bálor imagine #finn balor #finn balor imagine #finn balor x reader #[ writing ] ;; finn bálor

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diary-of-a-lunatic-blog · 7 years

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2017-04-08 | Episode 00

Hello and welcome to my new blog “Diary of a Lunatic”. If you’re asking yourself “why is it called Diary of a Lunatic and what even?” then ask no more because here is the answer. For the past 7-8 months I’m fighting my own little demons and in this process I’ve done some good damage to my own mental health. This “diary” is a place for me to write down my thoughts and maybe learning something while processing these thoughts. Also I want this to be at least a weekly thing.

So what happened? Love. Love is always the problem. Love is the downwards spiral of misery.... if you’re not emotionally stable enough to handle the unrequited type. It all started by making contact with an acquaintance from a year prior. At first we started to play a little bit of League of Legends and after that there was a time when we played osu! every night and it was wonderful. Then everything went in all directions...

My then-best friend was breaking contact with me and the whole group of friends I were in because of reasons I thought were nonsense. But there was a grain of truth.

After that I did more stuff with this girl. Having a sushi party at my home, watching anime, meeting almost every day, going to restaurants and talking about personal stuff. Naturally the good ol’ psychology and biology kicked in and I fell in love with her. The sadder part was that after she broke up with her then-boyfriend she said that she’s in love with another person and we talked about him more often than I could handle. Eventually I spoke up and told her that I do care about her but I didn’t like talking so much about him. Ultimately she realised that I was in love with her but never said anything until way later. I just continued to try to hide it but I didn’t knew she knew it already.

...Skipping a few months...

After reestablishing contact with my former best friend and some talks our scattered group came together for New Year’s Eve to “celebrate” the year but it was more hoping that 2017 is less shitty. We also talked about the good things that happened in 2016 which surprisingly existed. One thing was, for example, that I had made a new dear friend but I did not know what would happen to me...

The next strain on my health was a house we (me and a few friends) rented to live on (obviously). The problem with this house was that it wasn’t “finished”. We removed some walls, build another and spent more work in this house than I’m willing to admit. In fact we’re still not finished. And this house is another source of my misery but more of the financial side of life. Since renting this house my wallet grew thinner by every day and my stress went up by every step I took while working. Eventually we finished the rough stuff and moved in and since then (which was 3 months ago) I’m still living on a construction site. It’s just stress-inducing. Every day.

So yeah. We moved in. Had some good plans. And then she called me after a black out period of 2 weeks (I think). So we talked because I asked her prior to that because I wanted to talk to her. So she called me at 12am and we started talking. After stuttering for half an hour or so I finally managed to say to her that I love her. After praising me for finally saying it she also mentioned that she knew it since 3 months ago. And then there was the moment that lifted me up and made me stone cold at the same time.

Maybe you’re asking yourself “didn’t you already knew that she was in love with someone else?”. To that I can say: yes. Yes, I knew it but I still clinged to hope that maybe, just maybe she was also in love with me or that she’s getting together with that person so I don’t have to tell her how I feel and can just live on with it. But I was tortured. Not really by her but by myself and my hope. The hope that destroyed me.

After that I grew colder. I had less emotions. I just did not care anymore. I did have fun with her afterwards. More so than prior but I was empty. I still am. This dear friend which I mentioned earlier also stopped having contact somehow and I felt ignored by my group of friends to the point on which I quietly left the group because I wanted to see what would happen to me. Would I feel something? Would I run back? But eventually I did not care.

Then, last week, I had a really bad day and posted some tweets:

“ If life gives you lemonades just eat all of it puke everywhere. “ “ On that note: Why is the sky blue? Because everyone and everything hates you. “ “ Furthermore: Warframe is so bad of a game that i even invest time i don't have in it. (P.S.: Not really a bad game) “ “ One thing i learned about myself: I like doing fruitless things with the hope of achieving something AKA grinding. “ “ Also: gurrr #pidgeonsftw “ “ Isn't it just funny, this thing called life... “ “ That feeling when you're thinking about buying alcohol and then you remember that you hate alcohol. “

After I wrote those tweets a friend of mine send me a direct message telling me that he can’t stand this negativity and was unfollowing me. He was sad that I left quietly and was trying to make contact with me but couldn’t. I told him that I never saw him trying to make contact with me and that I don’t have friends anymore. I just have people I interact with more or less.

In retrospect it was maybe a little bit to hard but that’s what I felt and still do to some extent. The concept of a “friend” was somehow unfamiliar.

After that I wrote some other tweets:

“ And so another chapter closes itself (more or less) forcefully on me. People are free to do whatever they want to do. “ “ Maybe everything seems bad because I'm bad... “

And there was again a respone. But not from the same friend but from the friend I once called my best friend. He tweeted publicly without directing his tweets to me but because of the timing, the topic and his unfollowing afterwards, I knew it was directed to me. What he ultimately said was that I was telling bullshit and that I should seek help or delete myself.

To be honest I didn’t expect anything less than that but I still felt (almost) nothing. But now I’m feeling hurt. Not directly because of the things they said but because of the things I somehow expected. I got a notice from my health insurance this week and they wanted more money than I even own and the first thing my roommate asked me is if I needed money. And it was this moment I realised again what friends are for. Helping each other. Even if one is acting a bit “unsocial”. It was this feeling I missed in the group. The feeling of being cared for. But I got hit by a wall of not dealing with me because I’m having a rough time.

But the strange thing is that I still somehow want to be with this group of people. Maybe not now but in the near future. And even prior to these tweets I was looking for a psychotherapist but I didn’t feel well asking by myself for an appointment so this roommate who also offered me the money asked in my place and now I just have to wait for a reply. The only funny thing at the moment is I now need the health insurance I didn’t need for almost 7 years (more or less) and now it’s acting up.

So yeah, that was my last half year or so in one blog entry.

tl;dr I’m mentally sick, “lost” my friends, found one again and seeking help.

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pisati · 5 years

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I talked to my mom yesterday, just about all kinds of things. I thought I decided a while ago to keep her out of the loop on my health situation, but I guess things are okay if I just keep her up to date but keep her at a distance. not like it’s ever not been like that, though. once I hit 18 and could make decisions for myself without parental permission I was already used to having to advocate for myself. I get that my mom was busy and stressed when I was younger. but thinking back... it kind of hurts that she didn’t fight harder for me. she DID take me to doctors and she does still cover my costs. but I think she gave up on trying a long time ago. it’s hard to tell if she thinks I’m faking too. I don’t think she does, but sometimes it does feel like she thinks I’m thinking too hard about it. I should just sit down and take the hand I was dealt, despite not having any answers.

I told her about the FM/a test, and she thinks it’s a good idea to go for it. if it’s just a quick blood draw and insurance will probably cover it, what’s the harm? either I come up negative (a good thing, in some ways), or I come up positive and finally have my answer. yeah it would suck to definitively know that I have something for the rest of my life and there is a very real possibility it will get worse, but when I know what it is I can better learn how to manage it. that’s all I want at this point.

I also mentioned that when I was volunteering last, my volunteer coordinator showed a group of us a slightly old version of the plans for the new shelter the county is building. it’s going to be a much bigger facility, which is nice, and it’ll be a good bit closer to home. there are a lot of cool features. but I also mentioned to mom how I’d been volunteering for almost two years now, and it’s finally at the point where I’m meeting new volunteers for the first time and they already know who I am. my VC calls me the queen of smalls, and defers to me for pretty much everything small-animal related. staff all know me by name too, and I’ve done a lot in the way of training. the new shelter is on-schedule as of right now, to be finished in september. by that point, I will have been volunteering for just short of 3 years, and I will have a year’s worth of experience at the clinic as both a receptionist and a vet assistant. I told my mom that with the building of the new shelter, there’s going to be more care staff positions opening up, and I honestly think I’ll have a good shot at one of them. there’s more I need to learn by that point, but I think if I do want to pursue this seriously, I can definitely do it.

and I was actually surprised that she sounded relieved to hear that. “oh, Hannah, that would be so good”. I’d have county government benefits. I’d be paid a good bit more. still not enough to live on my own here, but more for sure. I just... I know how hard she’s been pushing me to stay in linguistics. I know she’d love to see me doing some boring government job, getting a security clearance, being this person I know I’m not, doing all the shit that makes me feel nauseous now. but I also know she wants me to be secure and be happy. county government jobs provide government benefits, meaning it would be stable. not to mention this county is the wealthiest in the country. it’s making me tear up a little bit just to know she supports me, still. things aren’t going the way I thought they would, but I know that right now, animal care is what’s working for me. maybe one day when I can fix my sleep and my mental health I can push myself to go into something else, but right now I just can’t bring myself to care. I can’t see myself being a serious career academic. I can’t see myself in a stiff, boring government job. I would probably fall very quickly back into borderline suicidality if I ever ended up at another desk job.

I wish I could have seen this in myself sooner. I wish I would have taken one good hard look at myself and thought about my own personality, and I wish someone else with more experience would have too, and given me some guidance. I really am a person that cares too goddamn much. even thinking about other options I might have; the thing that’s most appealing to me right now is applied behavior analysis. the goal for me being to help autistic children and families with autistic children communicate better and understand each other’s needs. am I a peacemaker at heart? do I just want really badly to see happy endings? I’ve always been a bleeding heart. always, always, always. I remember being in middle or early high school; grandpa had taken us fishing at one of his favorite spots on a bridge in florida, and I’d caught a fish that he liked so much he wanted to keep it for food. but he wanted to just leave it on the ground to suffocate until it died, and I cried until he grumpily threw it back. I saw it belly-up anyway, as it floated downstream, and I still think about it. I hated knowing I was the reason that fish died. that’s just one anecdote, but looking back, it was clear as day that that’s just the kind of person I am. and still I got pushed into things that weren’t ever right for me, because money is a huge worry, and because I grew up under the impression that I needed to pay less attention to myself and just focus on “being successful”. I figured I’d have to be like my mom; do a job because it paid and it was a job. I resigned myself to being miserable because “that’s just what people do”. I learned too late that it’s not, actually. I just wish that doing a job at all would pay enough to live. why some jobs are valued so much more than others is baffling to me. people in social, care-oriented fields work so hard and are so undervalued. powerful positions pay a ton more, and attract power-hungry people. that’s how we end up with this huge imbalance. it does still hurt me sometimes, though, feeling like my mom’s disappointed in me for changing my mind. for deciding that I don’t have to be miserable at a job, and I shouldn’t put up with something just because it pays enough. that’s why it was such a relief to actually have her support on this shelter thing.

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A set up a new facebook event page for festivus. he’d made one a few weeks ago, but then deleted it. I was afraid he’d deleted me from it specifically, because just before he deleted the page I’d mentioned to him that it might not be worth it for me this year. he’d told me it might be in pittsburgh, and that would be a long trip for me for just a weekend. and I told him that if it was going to end up like farm jam, with me showing up and being ignored the whole time, it wasn’t worth a trip at all. suddenly the page wasn’t visible to me anymore. but another friend confirmed that the event was deleted.

so now there’s a new one. it’s going to be in johnstown, which is doable, since it’s only a ~2.5 hour drive, vs 4.5 to pittsburgh. unfortunately it’s on the exact day that my office manager decided to put our clinic holiday party; we had a paper hanging up in treatment asking people to put their names on one of two dates they preferred, either, or neither, and I put “either” because I didn’t have other plans at the time. I don’t even know yet if I’m working that day, but if we’re supposed to alternate weekends I should have that day off. I suppose I could tell people at work that I only see my PA friends twice a year now, if that, and they planned it pretty last-minute, but I just. I don’t know. it wasn’t really worth the effort last year. this year I feel even more disconnected than I did before, and it was pretty bad before.

I’d be willing to give it another go, I think. god I miss having friends so much. I know there’s people I can still talk to, if they’d be willing to talk to me. I can’t let the past get me too down. trying not to recall A ignoring me in person while he tried to get into another girl’s pants after T’s wedding, and literally pitched her tent 5 feet from mine and ended up spending the night in it with her. trying to scrap all the memories from this past farm jam, when I ended up crying a good few times because despite trying to interact and not look like I was in a bad mood over the course of 4 days, I just got ignored and left behind. when I went to go for a walk by myself and got caught in a torrential downpour, only to come back to the campsite to find everyone that was still at the campsite huddled under the big tarp we’d strung up, having rescued every camp chair but mine. including T’s piece of crap chair that seemed a few more uses away from falling apart even when I first saw it 6 years ago. I don’t know what that says to me, but it feels like it says something.

I don’t know. I could let my shit memory do what it does. I could try again. I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove to my friends that I’m trying to not be so depressed. they’re the ones who back off because they don’t want to deal with me when I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone down, I’m just.. really not well. I haven’t been for a long time. I wonder where I’d be if I felt like I had one person who I wasn’t terrified of scaring off; who could just see my depression as something that has me in a vice grip and isn’t a reflection of who I am. I know sometimes it puts me in scary places, but I’m not scary. I’m not hopeless. it helps me immensely just to feel cared about. I have a page on my notes app that I add to every so often with thoughts and snippets of things I could potentially turn into song lyrics, and I was just reminded of one I spit out at least a few months ago: isn’t it cruel how much I blossom when I’m loved? another I’m still trying to find the right words for so I haven’t actually written it down yet: don’t make the mistake of caring for me, because I’ll make the mistake of feeling cared about

my friend Mere is the one I asked about A potentially having removed me from the first festivus page, actually. she’d messaged me after I posted a picture of my crochet on facebook, and just wanted to ask how I was doing. she’s so sweet. we talked briefly, eventually about how everything just felt different. it was weird hearing her talk about Alec and that other girl he’s seeing now, knowing they were all friends even before Alec and Mere got married. I don’t feel it’s my place to ask how she feels about it. she seems to be doing well now though, and I’m glad to hear that. the last thing she said (which I responded to, but didn’t get another response) was interesting: but, I’m sorry that I never got along too well with you in the beginning. I don’t know what it was, but I’m super happy to call you a friend now.

we’d actually talked about this twice before. the first time I think was festivus 2015. we follow festivus tradition, and within that falls the airing of grievances. she’d pulled me aside and told me straight-up that she didn’t like me much when she first met me. which I wasn’t even aware of, because I never talked to her much and always thought she was pretty cool. but she told me that after actually talking to me and having me around for a bit (since I was staying with A while I visited, and he had a room in Alec & Mere’s house), she realized her feelings were misplaced. I was glad she was honest with me. the second time was after T’s wedding. I had hauled ass back up to the campfire after realizing that A had zipped himself into that girl’s tiny one-person tent with her and she knew immediately what happened. it was obvious the whole night what he was trying to do, and she knew him longer than I did, so of course she knew without even having to see it. I was so on-edge. so upset. I was shaking. I remember she and our friend Brad had come up to me and asked what happened, if I wanted to sleep in my car, if I wanted them go get my stuff out of my tent for me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just remember sitting in front of the fire, shaking and starting to cry and picking my cuticles to bits; I don’t even remember what they were talking about. I remember at one point Brad asked if I was okay, and I told him I felt like I just wanted to hit something; he went into the trees at the edge of T’s property and brought me a big branch so I could take a swing at something if I wanted. I just gave him a big hug. Mere and I had debated going to sleep, because everyone else already had by the time it was just us left. but we ended up talking more. she told me about how she had a crush on A too and had for years, and it hurt to see him screw around so much. it hurt to see him with me and have me around, and after she realized I wasn’t so bad it hurt to know he hurt me too. I felt bad, because I had no idea. I told her a lot of the shit he put me through, and she agreed it wasn’t okay. she told me how he was really upset the year before when he realized it was my birthday and he forgot again. he’d gotten drunk and told her he knew he hurt me really bad and just didn’t know what to do; he felt terrible. she told me about her relationship with Alec and how things were just falling apart. they were trying to make it work, but it was never going to. I told her how I kind of wanted to pack up my tent and leave, like how in the movies when people break up they just take all their stuff and disappear, but A’s stuff was still in my tent; he was supposed to have shared with me. I was too tired to drive home, but I still wanted to just pack it up anyway. she helped me fold up all of his things and leave them in a neat little pile where the tent was. she helped me fold up the tarp and showed me how to fold the tent so I could fit it all back into the carrying bag and zip it shut (a skill I had yet to acquire). we got all my things back into my car so I could just get in and go if I wanted. by the time we’d started packing up the tent the sun was already coming back up; we were sat around the fire again when A’s phone alarm went off. the two of them came up to the fire pit and sat down with us; I couldn’t even look at him. Mere offered to let me stay at her place in johnstown before I drove home; I think Alec had work later in the morning so I followed them home and tried to sleep. I was amazed I made it there in one piece since I’d been awake for somewhere around 26-27 hours at that point and was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was so grateful to have her company that day. she promised to keep me company at farm jam that year too, so I wouldn’t have to see A with that girl (she ended up not going, but I was worried the whole time that she’d show up). Mere hung out with me and took me mushroom foraging in the woods, and I learned a lot even though I don’t remember any of it. she’s a really sweet gal, and I’m glad to know her.

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well that ended up taking a turn I didn’t intend. I guess that’s alright. just felt like I needed to write.

I don’t know. I’m not ready for this 3-day weekend to be over. I finally caught a break and I crashed pretty hard. I’m really missing my gap year and all the free time I had; feels like it hardly lasted any time at all. I don’t know how I’m ever going to have the energy to work full-time for the rest of my life; I’m not even “full-time” now and I’m struggling. I don’t know. maybe if I finally get a diagnosis people will take me seriously and help me come up with a plan to get the most out of what energy I do have without burning myself out.

#blah blah #rambles

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