#severetrauma

[futureless]

i don’t know if i’m fighting demons or if i am the demon at this point

[alvaroballero]

voy a hacer como que el 2018 nunca existió

[spyderskiss]

Because I couldn’t wait. Meet my rough version of #rampagethemovie #albinogorilla #george been my pet project since seeing the movie @regalmovies @rampagethemovie and since I have #goneape since @makingapes announced their project so i got this great #gorilla prosthetic by #stagefrights @mostlydeaddotcom so I could #makingapestheartistswhochangedfilm and I have one more for my #gorillaguard from #planetoftheapes. It is late and this #apelover #goingapesince1968 #spacemonkey is ready for bed #_beginners_ #spfxmakeup #specialeffectsmakeup #planetoftheapes #whiteape #whitegorilla #monkeysuit #diycostume #prostheticmakeup @dental_distortions #orcteeth @freshlookcontacts #brilliantblue @graftobianmakeup #severetrauma wheel and #wizafir jumbo ears All this to make my #monkeyboy #monkeyshine #charactercreation (at Selbyville, Delaware)

[futureless]

no offense to myself but like what the fuck am i doing

[futureless]

crazy how trauma can make you push people away when all you really want is love

[futureless]

why did i have to be a person? couldn’t i have just been a leaf? or swallowed? like wtf is this shit

[futureless]

forgive yourself for the coping mechanisms you developed & had to use to keep yourself alive

[futureless]

sorry for not hugging you tighter, i thought i would see you again

[futureless]

[futureless]

[futureless]

[futureless]

i’m so mentally fucked up, i can’t even be left alone for long periods of time, i’m scared of myself & i am truly a danger to myself..

don’t even get me started on sobriety. i wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the drugs. my sober brain is constantly racing, with at least 14 tabs open, voices having conversations amongst themselves, & the titanic theme song playing in the background, i can’t turn it off. i get high & go to that place.. that calm place. no pain, no tears, just me.. floating, happy, calm.. finally safe. for once in my life i am safe. & i never want it to end.

but the thing is about this place i am in that sounds so dark & disconnected from reality, i like it there. i’m safe there. i can escape there- if i could stay in that place forever, i would.

but i always wake up.

[futureless]

[futureless]

[futureless]

i think too hard about too many things & i can’t help but wonder wtf is the point in all of this-

we are tiny organisms living on some random ass floating rock in the middle of a solar system that could potentially be 1/103742819181 billion other galaxies but we don’t even fucking know - why do we take this shit so seriously? we are literally nothing… we’re not shit

we work our asses off to barely get by, working 5/7 days at LEAST a week, only to retire at 65. like bro we can’t even fucking do shit hardly at 65 anymore?! like your whole life is gone and some people don’t even make it that far- like who made the rules? who the fuck did this

we can’t even do what we want, drugs are illegal & some random people telling lies in our “government” tell us what to do, take from us, like who the fuck said they’re the bosses? why should we do what they say? they bleed just like us, this is our earth too, they can’t just own us? like if i wanna go smoke crack behind a dumpster and frolic naked down the road then i fuckin can, i’m not hurting anybody! shit is fuckin stupid man

i just don’t see the point, you can’t even enjoy your own life! like people were made to laugh, play, be naked, drink wine, & live in the woods happily ever after- not this fuckin bullshit. love doesn’t exist anymore, nobody cares about each other, we can’t even get fucked up to escape this shit bc everything is “illegal”, everyone is depressed, the system doesn’t fuckin work!

fuck society dude- they can all suck my fuckin ass man

make it make sense 🦠

[futureless]