#sex and dating

[caffeinejournalist23]

What Sex and The City Did & Didn't Teach Me About Love - Part 1: Looking for Matrimony in the Bedsheets

I have been in bed sick for the past 2 days, and with yet another lonely Valentine's Day just around the corner, I figured I'd give in to temptation and finally start watching Sex and The City. I know it's a show full of bullshit depictions of New York, love, and womanhood, but even the fictional glamor of this show can't ignore the very real frustrations of dating in a big city as a young professional.

For the sake of positive manifestations though, I'll mention that I am at the happier part of the show; Carrie and Mr. Big are still broken up but she's finding herself and having mostly positive experiences with other men (which in the end is preparing her for a happy marriage with Big, so.. good stuff still?) - but Miranda and Charlotte are learning more about themselves and breaking down barriers while also respecting their boundaries now that they're in healthier relationships.

And the inspiration for this post - my roommate's boyfriend is secretly plotting their engagement!

For the past few months, he has been acting hella odd; I was worried maybe he was cheating on her, but it didn't add up to the clues or his character as a person at all - it's what we all are taught to erratically fear and assume whenever something seems different from a partner, even if all the signs suggest the polar opposite of that.

Honestly, I'm so glad I'm binging the show now as a 23-year-old with adult friends in healthy relationships and missed it when I was 15 and all my high school friends held that and What to Expect When You're Expecting as the gospel for what to expect in adult womanhood. Because, like I said, though there are some realistic depictions in the show, most of it is over-dramatized and/or over-glamorized - and there's a lot that this show gets completely wrong about real love, sex, and relationships.

For instance; not every woman has to get heartbroken, betrayed, or objectified over and over again before meeting the right match and settling down. In the show, all 4 main characters go through more than 10 guys each season in the first half of the series - which is totally fine and dandy if that's a lifestyle of your choosing and not a self-destructing habit made out of desperation. Unfortunately, I think the show perpetuates a narrative that says casual/non-committal sex occurs among women because they are desperate to find matrimony in the bedsheets rather than because women enjoy sexual liberation.

Charlotte is almost made fun of for her strict rules about sex and intimacy, and always focuses on the future of marriage whenever considering a relationship with a guy. Miranda has a pessimistic attitude about love and relationships for the majority of the series but is then delightfully surprised as she begins to unpack her anxieties about love and regains control of her life through therapy and self-realization.

Compared to my real-life friends who are in healthy committed relationships/marriages, Carrie Bradshaw and her friends got most of it very wrong; most of my friends in happy relationships did not date/have sex with a dozen men; actually, most of my friends are marrying their first serious love - some of which have been together since high school.

The truth is we as women (and/or non-binary feminine people, I'm still learning how to write more inclusively) should not be desperate for a loving long-term relationship! It should be ok to have consensual sex and not want or expect anything else from it. And it should be ok to keep boundaries that cock-block casual sex - and to communicate those boundaries to potential partners.

Overall, I guess my roommate's upcoming proposal and binging the first 3 seasons of Sex and The City got me to realize that when it comes to love and happy relationships, there's no one-size-fits-all expectation - as long as y'all respect each other and love each other truthfully, I think you're doing it right.

[debutart]

Repost from Lisa Sheehan: 

“I've been 'baking' (not) out today my Tinder cake for the cover of the Irish Independent Weekend magazine. Tinder is 10! Swipe to see close ups and my model. Really enjoyed making this. Must try it in the real world. Thanks to AD @stellaforte for the commission.”

[solaris-ots]

I like a man.

I don’t know if that accurately describes how I feel.

I desire a man. That’s more like it.

I desire a specific man. The feeling is intoxicating. I don’t like that. I immediately feel panicked.

I’ve never felt that before right off the bat. Pure lust. And for a man I don’t really know. That feels dangerous?

I want him. But as I see it, he only wants me in his bed. And what’s wrong with him wanting me in his bed?

It won’t end well. And that doesn’t feel like anxiety, it feels like my intuition. I don’t want to say, “I knew it!”

or

“Why didn’t I listen to myself?”

or

“I feel so stupid.”

Logically speaking:

I don’t know very much about him. Sure, I know his name, last name, where he lives, where he works, what his job is, one of the sports he likes and one random fact about him…but these are things I could learn about anyone during human bingo.

But I want him.

I want to memorize his body and how each part feels under my fingers.

I want him to gently kiss up my back while he firmly grips my neck.

I want to hear him whisper the nastiest things in my right ear while he fucks me oh. so. slowly.

The thought of him fiercely arouses me.

I want to breathe him in!

Why can’t I have him again?

Oh, yeah.

He hasn’t done anything to lead you me to believe that he wants you me for more than sex. And I don’t want to just be “for sex” because I *know* I will get attached to him. I mean, I’m already too attracted to him.

I need a deep breath just thinking about him!

And there’s like a clear power imbalance because he’s older. I don’t like being attracted to that because it feels like I’m about to go down a dangerously manipulative slide. And I’m not ready for what happens at the end of the slide. That’s what’s wrong with him only wanting me in his bed.

I want someone who I *want* in the ways that I want him but who I *know* wants to be committed to me. And until that someone says that to me or approaches me with that intent, I can’t have sex with anyone I’m THIS attracted to who doesn’t make it clear to me what they want. Because I will want more than sex.

So, even though it’s really difficult, I desire this man in the dirtiest of ways but I won’t do anything about it.

[yuwuta]

friends with benefits with nanami wouldn’t work because he would think you deserve better. you think your arrangement is going well, kento has never complained before, and you’re certainly more than satisfied in bed. he’s handsome, strong, kind, generous with aftercare, and really fucking good with his mouth, so there are no complaints on your end. which is why it’s such a surprise to you when kento confesses that he doesn’t like the way he’s been treating you, and no matter how much you insist that it’s fine, and reassure him that he treats you more than well enough, he refuses. 

“but kento, i’m okay with this,” you attempt to convince him that hooking up is enough—he doesn’t need to feel like he has to do more for you, “you’re good to me, and not just in bed. please don’t feel like you owe me more.” 

“you deserve something proper,” he’s adamant, shaking his head, “you deserve more than convenient sex.” 

“but what if this is all i want?” you can’t help but to tease him. he looks awfully cute with his arms crossed, respectful refusal written all over his face, “i think eating me out on a weekly basis is quite enough, it would just be greedy for me to ask for more, don’t you think?” 

your jokes don’t amuse him, but his expression keeps you giggling. still, nanami sighs, and grumbles, “you should want more. it’s not greedy.”

“kento, if i didn’t know any better, i’d think you’re telling me to raise my standards.”

he blinks, cheeks pink with irritation and eyes hollow with tiredness. you push every single one of his buttons and he doesn’t know why, but he would never stop you. maybe that’s where this impeding guilt is coming from—kento likes you, and he doesn’t enjoy feeling like he’s using you, even if you get to use him in return. he doesn’t want your relationship to be transactional, and he doesn’t like that you think such a relationship is okay. 

because, guilt aside, kento knows he wants more of you; he wants all of you. and even if you don’t want him back, he thinks you should know that you’re worth having all of, and nothing less. 

“maybe i am,” he settles, “you are worth more than an occasional hookup. you should be treated better than this, and i am sorry that i have let it go on for this long.”

“this is ridiculous—you’re nothing but good to me! and i like having sex with you. if you don’t want to have sex with me anymore, that’s fine, but—”

“i didn’t say that,” he interrupts. 

“so… you do wanna keep sleeping with me?” 

“yes. but we should go on a date before we continue.” 

“but what if our date is terrible. do we still get to have post-first date sex?” 

he shakes his head, stepping closer to you and holding your forearms before leaning down to kiss your forehead, “i don’t put out on the first date.”

you scoff, taking a half-step closer, snaking your arms around his torso, and grinning up at him, “what a prude.”

at that he smiles, before bending his neck to indulge you in one last kiss. “i’ll pick you up at seven.” 

[silverandbone]

I feel like it’s worth saying that NOTHING is a bigger turn off to me than someone being creepy to me, someone they just met, via chat, or messaging or, god forbid, video. Just don’t do it. It’s fucking creepy. Especially if you’ve just tracked down an entirely unrelated account on an entirely unrelated platform.

[genderoutlaws]

Vintage pins from the Lesbian Herstory Archives’ button collection

[hotangels6776]

[vamputer]

I need him biblically. i need him in a way thats concerning to feminism

[blondie-drawings]

Good lord this tomb is full of shitposts 😳😳 pt 1/pt 2

[theambitiouswoman]

Types of relationships that look like love but are not:

Infatuation: This is an intense emotional or sexual attraction to someone that can give the illusion of love. However, infatuation is often based on idealized perceptions rather than a deep emotional connection.

Codependency: Codependent relationships involve one person excessively relying on another for emotional or physical needs. This dependency can mimic love, but it is rooted in the need for validation, control, or a sense of purpose.

Unrequited love: This refers to a situation where one person has romantic feelings for another, but those feelings are not reciprocated. It may involve one-sided affection, longing, or an obsession with someone who does not feel the same way.

Limerence: Limerence is an intense and obsessive form of attraction characterized by intrusive thoughts, longing for reciprocation, and an idealized image of the other person. It can feel like love, but it often lacks a genuine emotional connection.

Conditional love: In relationships based on conditional love, affection and care are only given when certain conditions or expectations are met. This type of relationship lacks unconditional acceptance and can be manipulative or controlling.

Trauma bond: A trauma bond forms when two individuals share intense emotional experiences, often negative or abusive. Despite the harmful dynamics, there may be a strong attachment due to the shared trauma, leading to a mistaken perception of love.

Transactional relationships: These relationships are based on mutual benefit or convenience rather than genuine emotional connection. Partners may stay together for financial security, social status, or other practical reasons, rather than genuine love and affection.

Manipulative relationships: Manipulative relationships involve one person exerting control and power over the other through emotional manipulation, coercion, or gaslighting. The manipulator may feign love and affection to gain control or exploit their partner's vulnerabilities.

Fantasy relationships: In fantasy relationships, one or both partners create an idealized version of the other person, often based on unrealistic expectations or fantasies. The relationship may lack a true emotional connection, as it is based on the person's fantasy rather than the reality of who their partner is.

One-sided relationships: These relationships are characterized by an imbalance of effort, care, or emotional investment. One person may consistently give more while the other takes without reciprocation. It can create an illusion of love, but it lacks equality and mutual respect.

Love addiction: Love addiction refers to a compulsive or obsessive pattern of seeking out relationships and being dependent on the euphoric feeling of being in love. It can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationships, as the person seeks constant validation and excitement without addressing underlying emotional issues.

[bloodyraremedium]

[shmaroace]

yeah i might be aroace but people are still pretty. what about it

[junkdyke]

i should be licking dyke cunt instead of doing whatever the fuck this is

[ericacherrys-blog]

Ready to submit? I’ve got the keys to your chastity🔐 how long do you think you’d last being cum💦 denied?

[epiphainie]

still thinking about the day season finale stills dropped and everyone started talking about how buck and tommy's date was certainly gonna be ruined. eddie will interrupt, the call about bobby will come in. approximately seven million "enjoy it while it lasts" jokes were made. many were okay with it, excited even, let's see where the story goes. some were worried. a certain chunk was celebrating because, yknow, bucktommy bones. it's gonna be nothing of a scene, it's gonna be under a minute, it's gonna be a kill order on the relationship yadda yadda.

then the episode arrived and... it was not ruined. or interrupted. or anything of the sort. it was just, after a long and hard day, buck's home. his boyfriend is there too and they are carrying their plates to the table for the dinner they will share, all casual. they choose to sit close to each other and because they're comfortable, cozy, even languid. there's wine sitting warm in their bellies and a song with the lyrics "come home and be with your man" is playing softly in the background. tommy asks buck if he's okay while looking at him with all the gentleness he holds in his big body. he takes turn to share his own troubles because he's comfortable with buck too. when buck gives him a coy smile and his words turn coquettish, he lets him lead them there. here's the season's last look at them and they're just so, yknow, alive. it was just so insane.