#so “being confident/believing in yourself” like im told to do DIDNT WORK AND IT FELT WORSE THAN DOUBTING MYSELF. YOU LIARS. ugh fhdhdhfhjssk

[autisticlee]

I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)

[obsessive-ego]

Late night chats

Musical beetlejuice x reader

Beej chats with you when he knows you're not listening

Fluff, pining

It was a long rough week, you were absolutely exhausted, you could barely stand, your knees wobbled as you finally arrived home, everyday this week has been hell between work using you to cover everyone and do everything, and personal family drama you had to attend too, you were glad to finally be home, safe, quiet, where nothing was expected of you, you could finally recharge.

Kicking your shoes off and tossing your bag and jacket aside to deal with later.

As you shamble to your bedroom, eager to swap your work clothes to something less constricting, you tap away on your phone, ordering dinner, you were too tired to cook anyway.

In your bedroom, you were quick to ditch your uniform in replacement for an over sized shirt and a pair of pajama pants.

Removing your bra felt like a weight has been lifted, as you slip on your pajamas you felt 100 pounds lighter, you flop down on your bed, barely clinging to being awake, as you were about to doze off, your phone blares to life with its loud ringtone, you groan in frustration, you force your body to get up and dig for your phone in your pants pocket, you miss the call by a second, before you could check who it was it buzzes again, you nearly drop the phone, startled, you fumble with the gadget, quickly answering the call, assuming it was your incompetent coworkers needing a question asked.

"What are you wearing?~"

You frown, knowing that voice anywhere

"Beetlejuice-"

"Oh baby, you will be wearing me by the time I'm done with you~" he moans

You scowl at this joke, too tired to really deal with his sense of humor, yes the ghoul could easily make you laugh with their lewd jokes, but honestly you were so tired nothing else really mattered.

"What-"

"So we gonna hook up? Or are you standing me up?"

"What?"

"Y/n what day is it?"

You're silent for longer then youd like to admit, beetlejuice starts before you could respond

"Friday, movie night, so, let's hear that magic b word sweetheart~" he chimes in a sing song tone.

As tired as you were, I guess a chill movie night would be fine, if you doze off during you could survive the teasing, wouldnt be the first time.

"Hello? Sugar? I'm not hearing my name come from that pretty little mouth of yours~"

You snap back, guess you zoned out longer then you thought, you utter a quick sorry, and shuffle to the living room.

"Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice"

Your apartment goes dark, you sigh, the ghoul had a thing for making an entrance

"HONEY IM HOME" the ghoul shouts, within seconds you are hoisted up from behind in a tight bear hug, Beetlejuice's head resting on you shoulder "babes I missed ya, you're such a mean little thing forgetting about our movie night, or were you just playing hard to get~" he purrs that last part.

Clearly embarrassed you try your best to squirm out of your predicament, the demon only cackles at your actions

"Keep wiggling like that sugar and your gonna give me a-"

The ghoul was interrupted by a knocking at your door, his eyes light up, before you could get a word in, you are dragged along to the front door

"Its showtime"

...

It was amazing how you were still able to order take out with all the nonsense beetlejuice did to the delivery guys, but it just goes to show that it's all about money, and let's be honest, nobody is gonna believe them, yeah sure, a zombie looking guy took the pizza and then turned into a pile of snakes.

...

Movie night was the same as always, Beej successfully snuggling up close with an arm around your shoulder, ever since the change of seasons he found you no longer took the lead on getting up close and personal, meaning he had to take initiative, not that he minded, since regardless of the temperature, you didnt mind him cuddling up, which was nice, you were so warm to the touch, he adored it.

Movie night was always a blast with the demon, yes you've seen this horror films 100 times, but watching them with Beej always made them more lively, his enthusiasm was so contagious. But as much fun as the evening together was you were officially out of energy, you tired in vain to keep awake, last movie night you dozed off midway through you delt with merciless teasing for a week, but all your effort was for not as you felt yourself slip into dreamland.

"Alright Doll what's up next in our-" the demon finally noticed you were out, he frowns, yeah it was cute, and sexy when you fell asleep on him, but it was really becoming kind of a pain on how hard you worked and how much it drained you, breathers are delicate, and besides he wanted to spend some real legit alone time with you.

The demon snaps his fingers and the two of you reappear in your bedroom, you being tucked into your bed, beej floats up beside you in a lounging position.

The ghoul stares at you, watching you naturally settle into a deep sleep, once a few moments have past and beetlejuice was sure you were out cold, he leans back placing his hands behind his head and let's out a deep sigh.

"Ya know doll, the other week I was in the netherworld for business, bumped into an old pal, buddy was going on and on about this demon he was banging, and boy, the look on his face when I told him I was banging a hot little breather, man, fucker was jealous, I mean we arent technically banging, yet." He whispered

This was a habit of Bj's chatting to you when you were asleep, he didnt need to sleep, so this was a nice way to pass the time.

"I showed him that photo of us lyds took, ya know the one, you were sitting on the couch playing with you phone and I had my head on your lap? Yeah, I keep it in my wallet, hell, it's the only thing in there" he snickers

You mumble something unintelligible, Beej hums in response

"Of course not sugar, I dont keep condoms in there, i prefer to go raw, demons cant get breathers pregnant anyways, wink wink"

The ghoul sighs reclining back and putting his hands behind his head

"Ya know, while I was down there, I had to file some paperwork with my Mom, the bitch she is, was going on and on about how I need to stop screwing around with breathers, she just doesnt get me, you know how it is"

You grumble in response

"Oh, yeah I know I told ya a sandworm ate her, shes back, it's a long story" he huffs with a scowl.

"Yeah she was saying how theres no point of me tricking another breather for a green card to live again, and I should leave you alone, fuck her, ya know, I dont need to trick ya for a green card, i know you're head over heels for me babes, and once you finally admit you love me and we fuck around for a bit, then I'll pop the question." He trails off looking in your direction, your were laying on your side facing the demon, as if you were awake listening to his every word, the demon sighs, staring at you sleeping form, god slash satan  he had no idea what he did to deserve you, his sweet caring breather. He could always come back to you, you were all his, you just didnt know it yet, and that was fine, for now, soon he'll get you to confess your undying love.

"What would I do without our little chats" he sighs, his eyes fixated on you, a purple hue begins to creep into his hair, he sighs again

"The only time I can be honest with ya huh babes?"

You mumble in response

"Its not like I dont WANT to be honest with ya, its just, come on, you gonna believe me? A demon from hell falling head over heels for a sweet little breather? I can barely believe it" he stares at you, his hair now completely purple.

"You know I love ya right?" The confidence in his voice fading, the question sounding more desperate then anything, as if the ghoul needed you to know or hed die again.

"...beee" you sigh

Beetlejuice perks up at the sound of your voice "bee?" Were you dreaming of him? The ghoul could just melt at the thought

"...beetlejuice"

You were

The purple in the demon's hair began to mix with hints of pink, his little breather was dreaming of him, the ghoul leans into you, his face inches from yours, studying your face in hopes to crack the mystery of what kind of dream you were having

"...beetlejuice" Again you mumble his name in your sleep

"Do you dream about me often babes? Ya know I dream of you~" he chuckles

"Beetle-"

Before you could finish the b word the demon shakes you awake

"Fuck" you say with a start "beetlejuice what are you doing" you grumble less then thrilled to be woken like this

"You were about to say the b word 3 times babes, had to put a stop to it" he chuckles sheepishly "you were babbling my name away in your sleep, guess you missed me huh?" His nervousness turned into a more confident jab

"I was? I-" you babble

"If you REALLY miss me baby cakes I could slip into bed with ya? Keep ya company" he leans in inches from your face, a moment passes and beetlejuice can see the hesitation in your face, yes he's snuck into bed with you multiple times, but he always left before you noticed.

"I wont do anything creepy" he begs grasping your hand as if to reassure you

"....okay" you whisper

The ghoul's eyes light up at your response in a flash he sheds his suit, leaving only a pair of boxers and slides under the covers next to you, the ghoul is over come by the warmth beneath the covers, and quickly latches on to your even warmer body.

"Good night Bee" you sigh "I'll try not to say your name 3 times"

"Night sugar♡" he cuddles into your chest making you the bigger spoon, though you were the smaller out of the two of you.

As you drift back into a deep sleep beetlejuice begins talking to you again

"You really know how to spoil a guy huh sugar, I guess I can wait a little longer till you say the 3 little words, as long as ya keep treating me like this♡ good night y/n, I love you"

[technowoah]

Rather Be Devisive Than Indecisive pt. 2

You weren't planning to help Techno again, but here you are with his horse.

- ANON REQUESTED!

- I really wanted to do second part anyways! So thanks a bunch!

- this story is long 😪 it'll all make sense though!

- part 1 is here!

- masterlist!

To say everything went south was a understatement. Everything went to hell, and you were currently living in it. You missed watching the sunset standing ontop L'Manburg's walls, you missed the peacefulness before the war. Maybe back then was too good to be true.

After the last encounter with Technoblade you had turned back to help Tommy and Tubbo. You tried to help wherever you could because you can see everyone drift apart, the main reason people came together was gone and dead. You tried to be a bigger sibling to both of them, and you tried to Tubbo and the former citizens repair the crater Wilbur left behind.

It took years, but L'Manburg was new and fresh again, with the help of Tubbo's new cabinet of trusted people L'Manburg was peaceful again. Tubbo had made you apart of his cabinet as well as Quackity, Fundy, Tommy and Karl. It was a new beginning.

There were days where you wondered if Wilbur would get a funeral. Schlatt had gotton a funeral, but you saw first hand how that went it wasnt a somber moment at all. It was for the best, they had mixed feelings about Wilbur and you dont blame them.

You had a new family, but there were things unkown to you, things that are being created out of your knowledge and that scared you. We have new L'manburg, but it isnt the same you dont know how long Tubbo could uphold peace in this new kingdom.

New things were created from the end of a old one.

It was a peaceful day in L'Manburg just as Tubbo promised the new citizens. You had stayed busy the whole day until a certian blonde came around your house frantically urging you to get outside and follow him

"C'mon! Just follow me! I have something to show you!"

"Tommy what are you talking about?!"

"Its VERY important, hurry! I dont want him to leave that spot."

Tommy had dragged you by the arm to the pier that evening and kept chanting that he had to show you something of utmost importance. You were trying to ask questions and keep up with his pace as he weaved through buildings claiming they were a "shortcut". Tommy stopped you at the pier and stood to your side, he was looking back and forth at the end of the pier to the water and back to you again.

You were about to ask why you were there until you saw a familiar man.

"Oh! Hello! Tommy who is this?"

He was pale, no, he was transparent. He looked pale, the sunset's dull rays made it seem like he still had skin. He had a yellow sweater on with brown pants and black shoes. He looked comfortable, he looked free. Next to his side there was a sheep on a leash with blue dye, you noticed it was poorly dyed too the dye was dripping from its wool. It was Wilbur, physically, but it wasn't HIM.

"He's Ghostbur." Tommy whispered to you while he stood between you two.

"Yes, I'm Ghostbur!" The ghost cheerfully said.

"This- this is y/n. Dont you remember?" Tommy cautiously asked Ghostbur.

Ghostbur had a look of confusion and curiosity on his face. He seemed so pure compared to when he was alive.

"No..I can't, but I would love to know." He stuck out his hand in a greeting.

"Hi I'm ghostbur!"

"I'm y/n." You said lowly.

You tried to reach out and grab his hand but it went straight through. You hated it, he's gone and you couldn't bring him back. It isn't him, but Ghostbur maybe better, Wilbur is gone and thats okay. Something came out of nothing, you kept telling yourself that everything was okay, but now seeing Ghostbur so naive and pure and free of the world's weight you believed everything would be fine.

"Im sorry. Im transparent, and I have no flesh." Ghostbur smiled.

"That's fine." You paused looking for the right words. "Do you know what you did? To L'Manburg?"

"Believe me, he dosen't. I tried." Tommy said to you.

"I couldn't belive I would do such a thing." Ghostbur added on.

"He shares no memories of Wilbur. Basically a new person." Tommy continued.

"That's great." You perked up. "It's bittersweet ya know. But Im happy you're here Ghostbur!"

"Im happy I'm here too, and Im happy I met you today." Ghostbur smiled at you while his sheep walked towards you, he unknowingly rubbed up against you putting blue dye on your clothes.

"Oh! This is Friend! I forgot to mention him to you. You can pet him!"

You didnt want to. He was dripping with dye, but you did it to appease Ghostbur. Tommy cringed while you petted the slightly wet, blue sheep. Once you were done your hand was blue, you rubbed it on your clothes that were already blue.

"I think he likes you." Ghostbur cheerfully said.

You were so thankful for Tommy bringing you to that pier. It was the closure you needed to move on and focus on building a new life for all of you. A peaceful life, but it seemed too good to be true. Days went by like normal and that sometimes was too much for you. You worked on new buildings and worked with Tubbo's cabinet too, that was a new normality for you.

The unknown scared you, but you had your family here. You had made amends with them and now and this is what you wanted. But then again it all seemed too good to be true.

Nobody had told you anything, you weren't in cabinet meetings, nor around Tubbo or Tommy. You felt shut out, you felt sick. The cabinet had decided to do something about Tommy and Dream started to become involved in Tommy's predicament. Soon after Tommy was in court, stripped away of his vice presidency, and had been put on probation.

Tubbo had come to you about Tommy being exiled. There was a huge meeting with the cabient and Dream about that situation and you had stayed silent the whole time. You wanted what was best for L'Manburg, but Tommy was like a brother to you, you couldn't send him away to fend for himself. You could see the confliction on Tubbo's face as he was going through the same dilemma as you were.

In the end Dream gave Tubboo 3 days to chose if to exile Tommy or not.

Tubbo had talked to you about the situation before the second day came. You two were in the same boat when it came to exiling him. You two had came to a conclusion, Tubbo just had to talk with the rest of his cabinent for a final conclusion.

The second day came and the plan switched immediately when Tommy came and introduced it. He wanted to fight back against Dream, of course he did, but he wanted another man to come and help. They wanted Technoblade to join their revolt. Quackity and Fundy agreed with the idea, but Tubbo was more cautious. You hated it.

Technoblade wasn't a subject nor person you wanted to be associated with ever since that night in Pogtopia. After all this time you had forgotten about him, you had forgotten your failed attempt at rekindling your friendship until now.

Tubbo was cautious, but you were 100% against it. Tubbo agreed with the rest of the cabinet and Tommy. They eventually asked you, and of course you said no, but it didn't matter, majority rules in this case.

You all approched Dream intop of the obsidian walls with your final decision.

"We have come to a decision. Look around." Tubbk leaded.

"There's giant, obsidian walls." Dream answered calmly.

"There is, there is Dream. And that's a problem, okay? This is funny actually." Tubbo turned back to Tommy. "Tommy, I am- I am so sorry."

Tubbo continues to talk to Dream. "I have come to the decision, that it'll be better for the nation the most logical thing to do is for Tommy to be exiled from L'Manburg."

"What?"

"Tubbo?!"

"Teaming up with Technoblade is an awful idea! It's an awful idea!"

Oh thank goodness.

"We just had this conversation!" Fundy yelled.

"No! No! Okay?! Nothing! Involving any kind of conflict is not safe for this nation! You've undermined my authority from the get go! Okay! All of you! No one here has respected me. You all jump on these merry little bandwagons of destruction. It's not okay!"

Tubbo was livid. His face was turning red and will keep doing so if he kept yelling. You felt a familiar breeze beside you as you saw Ghostbur standing next to you and behind Tommy. He smiled at you and continued yo listen to Tubbo's angry speech. You wondered why he was here, why he showed up at times and then left. Like he only needed to listen and not give any input.

"You cant go back on the plan now?! What the hell?!" Tommy yelled.

"When I was sworn in I made a promise to do what was best for the nation. And right now, Tommy you, your presence here is not the best for his nation."

Your heart dropped to your stomach and you think ghostbur noticed. You were happy that you didnt need to see Technoblade again, but you were going to lose what you would call a brother. You started to backtrack on your final decision, you belived Tubbo was in thr right. Tubbo wanted what was best for L'Manburg and what was best for L'Manburg was for Tommy to be exiled. You wished there was another way, but you know Tommy was stubborn it wouldn't work that easy.

Your mind kept wandering to if Tubbo decided to team with Technoblade. He was right there would be destruction, a huge war and probably the end of L'Manburg. You didn't want that again, you didn't want to see him again. You couldn't help but wonder if he knew L'Manburg was brand new.

"Dream, please detain and escort Tommy out of my country."

Tommy was gone. Its been weeks, four weeks to be exact. L'Manburg was peaceful, everywhere was peaceful, but you had to admit that you missed him. Fundy and Quackity tried to convince Tubbo to bring Tommy back, but he already made up his mind. He was confident in his decision, you were proud he was ruling L'Manburg confidently, but everyone was weary.

You haven't seen Ghostbur around either, he must've been floating around somewhere. It's none of your business.

The walls have been taken down and L'Manburg was independent again. There were sacrifices to be made. There were a lot of sacrifices to be made to keep L'Manburg up, and you kept asking yourself if everything was worth it. Was the discs worth that much to Tommy? Was L'Manburg even a good choice to begin with?

Was Technoblade right?

The Butcher Gang. They were calling themselves The Butcher Gang. The cabinet had several meeting and came ti the decisions that the biggest problems in L'Manburg were Technoblade and Dream. The cabinet decided not to kill Dream because of the fact that he was allies with L'Manburg, so they decided to try and kill Technoblade.

Dumbasses. You've mentioned to Tubbo that he was a very, very, very dangerous man. Tubbo has seen him before! You asked Tubbo constantly why did he wants to kill him when he says that he didn't want to team up with him. Tubbo said it was for the better of L'Manburg, but dosent he know that might cause even more trouble?

You didnt want to join them, you couldn't risk your life for something that is impossible to achieve. You separated from the cabinet, you couldn't watch them do this and you tried to stop them, but they insisted on the act.

Lately you've seen more of Ghostbur and that made you happy. It made you happy he wanted to spend time with you and it made you forget the trouble brewing in the cabinet.

"What's wrong?" Ghostbur asked while sitting on the edge of the pier with you, and Friend who was tied to one of the pier's poles.

"It's nothing Ghostbur." You said with a sigh.

"Good!" He cheerfully said.

"Can I actually tel you something?" You asked again, you wanted to get this off of your chest.

"Of course." He smiled.

You sighed and then began to speak as you looked out to the water. "It's the cabinet, its Tubbo, Fundy and Quackity that's the problem."

"But they are wonderful people! What can they do wrong?" Ghostbur suddenly asked.

"They want to kill someone, Ghostbur."

"Maybe it was a misunderstanding."

"I dont- I dont think so." You hung your head looking at your feet.

"Ghostbur, they want to kill Technoblade and I dont-"

"Technoblade?! That's my friend! Why- why would they want to kill him?"

Your heart felt heavy at his words. Another point not to kill Technoblade, you didn't want Ghostbur to hurt, not like Wilbur.

"He was a friend of mine too once. When L'Manburg first got blown up he- we betrayed L'Manburg and then spawned 3 wither skeletons to destroy the rest of the citizens." You explained to Ghostbur's disrught face.

"You wouldn't do that! You're kind!" Ghostbur exclaimed.

"It wasn't my best decision Ghostbur. People can make bad mistakes. A lot of people do. They aren't pure like you." You smiled softly at him.

A long hush fell over the two of you until Ghostbur perked up.

"We need to save Technoblade!" He exclaimed.

"Ghostbur I cant do that."

"Why not?"

"Because me and Techno aren't friends anymore." You said sadly.

"Why not?"

You couldn't answer that. You can, you can give the right answer, but at this moment you couldnt tell the ghost who suddenly stood up next to you.

"If I take you to where Technoblade lives will you feel better?" Ghostbur asked with Friend's leash in his hands.

Tubbo, Fundy and Quackity didnt know where Technoblade lives and desperately wanted to know to kill him. Maybe this was a good idea. You tried to convince yourself that as you walked side by side with Ghostbur. You had followed him through the woods as he weaved in and out of the trees. Friend was following Ghostbur as well, he wouldn't let Friend stay anywhere out of his sight.

You were getting special treatment, you were about to find out where Technoblade lived before The Butcher Gang would. Would you be considered a traitor again? Tubbo wouldn't want you back in the cabinet if you knew where Technoblade lived and you didnt tell him.

The atmosphere got colder as you two ventured on, you didnt know he would retreat all the way out here. It was snowing and you didn't bring any type of warm clothing considering L'Manburg was rather warm. Ghostbur had no problem, neither did Friend. Luckily you saw a light in the dark woods. It was further away, but you could see the light expand as you two treaded over towards it.

"That's the house!" Ghostbur pointed too.

You two reached the end of the woods and before you was an opening. There was blanket of white snow everywhere, there were footprints in the snow, but they were being covered by the falling snow above you. It was a valley and the only thing there was a beautiful wooden house. It was errie, the only civilization here was was Technoblade who lived in the house.

"It's pretty lonely." You said still cautious of the situation.

"Yeah it's sad, but we're here and it's okay!" Ghostbur said.

"Sure." You whispered as Ghostbur continues to lead the way.

You two got closer and closer to the house and you continued to try and back out. It's too late to do so now, you didnt even feel like walking back to L'Manburg after you confront Technoblade again. The two of you were heading up to his door, your heart was beating heavier as you got to his door. You brought your fist up to knock on the door, hopefully he was home because you were freezing cold. You harshly knocked on his door and awaited for his response.

You two waited for a while, but no one was opening the door.

"Ghostbur why don't you go inside?"

"I'll just peak my head in!" He answered and did so. His head phased through the door and then he came back out with a frown on his face. "No one is in there."

"Why did we come here?" You sulked and started to turn away from the door.

"Why the hell are you two here at night?!"

"Oh! Techno! Hi!"

Shit. You were looking into his eyes and you froze when he turned to you. This was the first time you've seen him in years ever since Pogtopia, you hated it. It was embarrassing you tried to become friends long ago, but that failed, and now you were here again. He probably saw you as desperate, coming back to him after betraying him.

"Hello Ghostbur. How are you?" Technoblade walked in between the two of you opening the door to his house. When he walked in he intentionally left the door open for you and Ghostbur. Luckily it was warmer inside and you welcomed it.

"Im good! But we are here for you." Ghostbur cheerfully said.

"Oh really?" Technoblade said while occupying himself with something else, not even bothering to look at the two of you standing awkwardly at his closed door.

"Yeah, Y/N tell him!" Ghostbur urged you on.

You paused for a second before speaking to Technoblade, who wasnt even paying attention. "There's these people called the Butcher Gang."

"Sounds stupid."

"Yeah it is. And they want you."

Techno scoffed. "Want me for what?"

You knew Technoblade was smarter than this. He was bouncing around the room not even sparing a glance towards you. He wasn't paying attention.

"They want to kill you Technoblade."

He stopped all of his movements, stood up to his full height and looked towards you and Ghostbur for the first time you've been in his house.

"You better not be screwing with me."

"Why would I?!" You got offended by his statement.

"I dont know, because you show up to my house out of nowhere and tell me that people are trying to kill me. This could be a setup! I cant trust-"

"Okay! The Butcher Gang is Tubbo, Quackity and Fundy. Thats all I know of who's in the group. They want to kill you because you are a threat to L'Manburg. Trust me!" You cut him off and explained.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Technoblade asked you.

"Dont kill them, but I wanted to warn you. They are being reckless and since you're out here they shouldn't bother you. They're looking for more trouble, Tubbo already has a lot on his plate, this isn't a good idea for you nor L'Manburg."

You finished your statement still weary of this whole situation. You hated being in this situation, Techno's presence didn't make you uncomfortable it was just seeing him and warning him of future danger. You two weren't even considered close, why were you here? You were here for L'Manburg.

"Okay. I'll try. No promises though." Techno smirked and continued doing whatever task he was doing.

You found somewhere to sit for the time being knowing that you two wouldn't talk. Looking around the room you realized that Friend was alone inside the house without Ghostbur. You looked outside and saw him walking from the woods again in a rushed pace. You didn't know he left, he phased back into the house.

"They say they're gonna kill you. Y/n was right." Ghostbur says.

"Were you two leading them to my house?!"

"No."

"No we didn't! We didn't even know they were coming today!" You stood up looking out the window in search of Tubbo and the rest of them.

"Ghostbur who was with them?" You asked as Techno ran around the rooms for weapons and armor.

"Um, Tubbo, Fundy, Quackity..Oh! And Ranboo."

"Ranboo?!" That poor kid. What is he doing?

"Eventhough I hate to say this. I don't trust you. Get out." Technoblade paused infront of you before rushing to the other room. "And tell them I'm not home!"

"And if that dosent work?!" You yelled back.

"Then to hell with them!"

You rushed outside with Ghostbur, hoping that the Butcher Gang dosen't notice you were leaving Technoblade's house. It was too late, they were already lined up outside with full netherite armor and gear.

"Y/n?!"

"Wait what are you doing here?" Tubbo asked as you made your way towards them.

"Im- I wanted to try and rekindle mine and Technoblade's relationship." You used an old lie to get yourself out of this situation. This was an already bad look on you, hopefully your lie would work.

"I thought your friendship ended a long time ago?" Tubbo asked again.

"It did, but I wanted to try again." This was embarrassing, now you really seem desperate.

"I see, then move out of our way." Tubbo asked you harshly.

"Uh- hey." Technoblade came out of his house with full netherite too, you weren't protected, so you will have to stay out of the way.

"Why have you guys come all the way over here to my humble abode?" Technoblade started walking towards his stable where he kelt his horse. He tried to lighten the mood, but it didn't seem to work. As he moved you moved with him trying not to be inbetween the dangerous men with swords and enchanted armor.

"You need to pay for your war crimes." Tubbo said while following Technoblade.

"That was like- that's in the past! Alright, that was a different Technoblade. Im a changed man now! Im in retirement! Im a good person now Tubbo!" Technoblade dragged on as Tubbo just hummed in response.

Quackity spoke up. "Technoblade you exploded L'Manburg with fucking withers."

"You literally spawned Withers everywhere!" Tubbo exclaimed.

"Im sorry, Im sorry Technoblade as much as you changed you have to be brought to justice for that." Quackity interrupted Tubbo.

The Butcher Gang tried to speak to Technoblade at the same time, when Technoblade spoke up over them all.

"Listen guys! I've gone through so much effort over the past month to change my violent ways! I've reformed alright? The voices, they demand blood! And I- I have been denying THEM! Ive been fighting back! Please! Please dont make me kill all of you, please just leave."

You guess he has changed, but you knew somewhere in your mind that he wasn't talking about just the Butcher Gang, he was including you too. You were somewhat confident that you wouldn't be attacked or killed, but you were terribly wrong before.

There was back and forth banter between the two of them. Techno had tried to show the gang his bees and tried to make a run for it.

"Techno!"

"Hey!"

"He's running!"

The gang started running towards him, but instead of continuing he stopped and turned to them. You were trailing behind trying to catch up to them, you kept running after them. You were not equipped for this night, you didn't know Ghostbur was going to bring you out in the open cold. You could hear Ghostbur behind you as you continued to run towards them.

"Y/N you're gonna damage yourself!" Ghostbur's voice became more echoed and further away as you tried to get closer to the gang before they got killed.

"There's no other way."

"Tubbo dont be stupid!" You were right behind the Butcher Gang.

"There's no other way!"

Fuck

"I CHOSE BLOOD!"

A cloud of smoke enveloped the 6 of you and you suddenly could see. You could only see the glint of everyone's armor.

"Y/N get behind us!" Tubbo tried to blocked you off from reaching Technoblade.

"Why didn't you bring any armor?!" Quackity yelled.

"I didn't think i was gonna be fucking out here!"

Technoblade must've set off multiple smoke bombs because the smoke wouldn't stop, the smoke made you woozy, but the others didnt seemed phased by it at all and kept fighting Technoblade. Your lungs felt full, and you felt like passing out, but you wouldn't allow yourself to do so.

"Tubbo stop this!" You yelled out when the smoke cleared a little.

"No! He needs to pay!" He said while fighting with Fundy.

The air was still hazy and you lost sight of people occasionally. Whipping your head around you were met with what felt like the butt of a axe. You quickly saw a split second of a shiny axe and then a pain in your chest spiked up. You double back and tried to recover, but then you've been sliced in the thigh and a deep cut in your side taking you down to the ground. You were bleeding out and desperately trying to heal the wound in your side. You felt your consciousness slowly slip from you as you laid on the snow. The warm contrast of your blood compared to the cold snow was sad. You always get hurt, no matter what you do. It's inevitable, and you finally gotten used to it.

The last thing you heard was yelling, but it slowly faded out.

You were warm, and not in the middle of nowhere anymore. You opened your eyes to see yourself staring at a polished wood ceiling, the soft pillows and blankets around you made everything feel so much better. Your whole body hurts, you dont want to move nor do you want to remember. Thank goodness that someone had patched you up, you didn't want to die. You tried shifting your body but the pain in your side was denying any movement.

"Oh! You're awake thank God!" A voice called out from your side. You looked over to see the half human hafl enderman sitting in a chair by a window. "I thought you weren't gonna wake up! Tubbo and the rest if the cabinet was worried as well."

"Were you the one who patched me up?" You asked carefully.

"Yeah! Luckily I can see in that fog, so I took you away and patched you up." Ranboo smiled.

"Who- who hit me?" You asked trying to sit up again.

Ranboo paused. "Technoblade." Ranboo said in a somber tone.

"I see." You sighed.

Ranboo helped you sit back on the headboard of the bed and you two continued to talk.

"Are you mad at him?"

"Im just upset. Its okay, he said he'll kill all of us so I knew he would." You kept your gaze at you lap.

"Yeah I get it." Ranboo replied.

"I have a question ranboo!" You perked up.

"Yeah? Shoot."

"Why did you join the Butcher Gang?" You asked the taller man. He stayed silent thinking of a right answer before actually speaking.

"They were nice to me. I trust people who are nice to me, that show me kindness and treat me with respect. I know its lame, my answer isn't fully fleshed out, but that's the reason." Ranboo shrugged and you nodded.

You would love to know Ranboo more, he seems like a great guy, but he's just lost.

"Oh! I forgot! You have a letter!" Ranboo walked around the bed and brought out a folded piece of paper and handed it to you.

You unfolded it and began to read.

𝘔𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘦𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘦

𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵. 𝘐 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶

- 𝘋

"Execution site?" You looked towards Ranboo.

"Oh yeah! Technoblade's execution is today an-"

"How the hell did you get him?!" You interrupted him. "Im sorry."

Ranboo looked shocked before composing himself. "Dont worry! Well, we took his horse hostage and he immediately wanted to surrender if we didn't let Carl go." Ranboo gathered stuff around the room. "And the execution is today, happening in a few minutes and I need to be there. I'll be back soon to check up on you!"

You nodded and continued to listen to him.

"Are- are you coming?" Ranboo sent one last glance towards you before making his way out.

"You know you dont HAVE to go." You said trying to ease the tension.

"I know. I really do know." He sighed. "Are you sure you dont want to?"

"No, Im okay." You sent him a smile.

You had lied again. Of course you didn't want to see Technoblade get killed, but that note that was left made you go to the cave. You trudged you way up to said cave, even though the pain in your side was unbearable you continued on. Once you had gotton up to the cave, you peaked inside cautiously. You saw a man in a cloak with a familiar mask on with Technoblade's horse. You knew it was Dream.

"Hello."

"Hello Dream."

"I will cut right to the chase. Take Carl and wait here. I have other work to do." He handed you the reigns to Carl and started to leave.

"Excuse me!? What do I do? Why do I wait here?!" You yelled after him and he just waved you off.

You rolled your eyes and found a stone in the cave to rest against with Carl's reigns lazily in your hands.

You didnt know what time it was, but the sun was slowly going down, it wasn't particularly sunset, but you knew it was late. Your eyes began to close until your heard screaming in the distance. You sat up slowly, now fully alert. You held Carl's reigns tighter as you backed into the cave more and more.

Footsteps were heard in the distance coming up to the cave and you thought if Dream had set you up for failure. The footsteps grew louder until a panting Technoblade appeared at the entrance at the cave. He looked horrible, he was thinking the same thing about you.

You two exchanged no words. You didn't want to say anything, what would you even say? He rushed over to Carl and started petting him. "Carl you're okay!"

You hummed as you and Techno shared a glance. He smiled at you. He smiled at you. It's been so long since you've seen him smile. He didn't need words to communicate, his eyes and smile said enough. You matched his smile and gave him a knowing nod and he did the same.

"Feel better eh?" Technoblade started conversation.

"Not really. What about you?"

"Eh- used a totem of undying just now."

"What?! Really?" You exclaimed. "I guess that's why you're here now huh?"

"Yeah I'll tell you about it sometimes." He smiled and climbed atop of his horse and you could see him thinking. "Im sorry too. You almost died cause of me. Thats is unacceptable, I shouldn't- I shouldn't have attacked you. I couldn't-"

"You cant control it. It's gonna take me awhile to recover, but..." You touched your bandaged cut. "It'll take me some time."

Technoblade nodded knowing what you meant. He could always read your mind somehow, thats what made you two work. Knowing eachother. He sent you one last silent goodbye before riding out of the cave. You knew that trust was somewhat restored, and that you two were better than before. This might be a new beginning.

A very angry Quackity came running around the corner of the cave and spotted you leaving. He whipped his head around to you.

"Hey! Where the fuck is Techno?!" He yelled at you.

"I don't know-"

"Dont bullshit me!"

"I. Don't. Know." You said more sternly. He gave you a hard glare before running away.

You went the opposite way trying to make it back to the room you woke up in before Ranboo came back.

Earlier you were desperately trying to befriend Techno, but things come more naturally you learned. You cant rush things, nor control this world. Things will fall into place, your and Technoblade's friendship will blossom again.

You will never find peace, but that's okay. You should be used to it by now. Everything is chaotic, but everything will be okay.

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

he died his hair prank

peter decided to prank y/n by temporarily dying his hair silver..

pairing: peter x fem!reader

status: dating

peters pov

i finally found a way to get revenge on y/n and her stupid yet believable pranks, since she loves my brown hair so much, no i did not decide to cut it aunt may would literally murder me if y/n didnt so it before her, i decided to temporarily dye it silver but she doesnt need to know its temporary ;)

y/n/n and i decided to hang out in the evening since i told her i had to go run some errands for may, thankfully she believed  it, so now im on my way to go buy some hair dye....*nervous laugh*

i got the hair dye and i took all the stuff out spreading them on my bathroom counter, i decided to record this coz i dont think ill dye my hair again any time soon, plus it felt like i was filming a youtube video

"ok so i watched a couple of videos before this coz i dont wanna mess this beautiful gem up" i said reffering to my hair "im obviously not gonna bleach it, so lets hope my hair is light enough to show the dye" i prayed and attempted to put my hair in a ponytail and it looked pretty good, i watched how y/n does it on my hair everytime we do face masks but doing it for yourself is wayyy harder

*A/N: look at this cutie 🥰 anyways back to the story*

i dyed the side of my hair first getting the dye everywhere, thank god i took the bathroom rug out so it would not get stained, and then took the bun out and sectioned it

"dont let me down brad mondo" i whispered getting even more nervous than i was before i brushed the dye of the first section "i did it" i smiled proudly but then it hit me "i did  it, i did it, this part of my hair is silver! oh my god" i was panicking, what am i doing? this is a prank this is a prank its not real calm down peter

suddenly i got a facetime call from y/n

*babyyyy 💕👀 would like to FaceTime*

lit up my screen, i panicked a bit trying to find an excuse to not answer the call or at least not show her my face, but i remembered i was in the bathroom....hopefully this excuse will work

i clicked on 'accept' and waited for her to connect

"hey babyyyy" she beamed, shes cute when shes excited but her smile faded when she couldnt see me "where are you?" she asked

"im in the toilet babe, but i couldnt not answer your call" i laughed trying to act normal and backing up from my phone as much as possible

"oh" she laughed, i wanted to grab something from the counter and i thought i did it carefully but what she said, said otherwise "wait why is your hair silver?" she asked her eyes widening

"wHAT? what do you mean?" i squeeked, i hesitantly put the undyed of my hair to the frame and she sighed in relief "my hair is brown, love nothing to worry about"

"thank god, although you kinda looked like jack frost which was kinda hot....but no no no no i prefer brown, dont even think about it" she warned, i laughed at her statement, it kinda made me more confident, maybe i would look like jack frost "anyways, ill see you in a few, im almost at my house, gotta go, byeee" she said waving her hand at the camera

"byeeee" i put my hand in the frame and waved, she laughed and ended  the call...that was close

after a few curses and an hour of dying my hair, i finished! and im pretty proud of the results, lets just hope my hair doesnt fall out

*A/N: this is the only picture i found of a guy with a somewhat wavy hair so imagine this is him but with messier hair dye and its all over his hair but not till his roots, OH and silver lmao*

so i took a photo of my hair and sent it to ned, he was with me throughout the whole process coz i needed someone to talk to, i usually annoy y/n with my daily rants but i couldnt so ned had to hear me talk abt how Mrs Barbosa gave me extra homework for being late

After I texted Ned, I got a text from y/n/n

"Babyyyy 👀💕: hey Pete, where are we hanging out? My place or yours?"

I told her that she could come to my place because I got a 'surprise' for her, i knew i had to record this so i quickly placed my phone on the desk

"YOUR BITCH HAS ARRIVEDDD!" y/b barges in, flopping on the bed next to me

"h-hey y/n/n" i said laughing at her dramatic entrance but still confused on how she didn't  notice my hair, just act casual, she moved closer to my body looking at the computer thats on my lap

"what are you doing?" she asked curious "

oh nothing, just watching guys surprise their girlfriends with dying their hair a bad color"i laughed acting as casual as possible

"oh thats funny, but if you did that to m- *looks up* *big dramatic loud gasp* PETE- I- WHA- HOW-" her eyes were as big as ever, I've  never seen her this shocked "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LUCIOUS BROWN CURLS" she shouted completely ignoring my computer and sits on my lap to get a closer look

"YOUR curls?" i laughed

"yes MY curls what happened to the light brown almost hazel in the sunlight curls?" she brushes my hair through her fingers trying to get the dye out "i dont think my brain processed this yet- WAIT YOU DYED IT RIGHT? SO THAT MEANS IT'LL STAY FOREVER?" looked down her mouth parted

"isn't  that what dying your hair means?"

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS I MEAN ITS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COLOR, AND WHY SILVER-ISH GREY?"

"I actually really like it" I said combing my hair through my fingers but she swatted it away so she could look at it more

"babe *laughs* you said I'd look like Jack Frost" I told her tilting my head

"well Jack Frost is hot but you're hott-ER I don't want you looking like Jack Frost because I said so! I love you for who you are....especially your brown hair"

"so if I told I like it you'd be ok with it?"

"Yes if you like it and it's your choice? %100"

"so what if I said it's a prank?" She was gonna nod her head coz she thought it was like the other question but then stopped midway and widened her eyes

"your kidding"

"yes in fact I am" I laugh and point at the camera and she gasps

"you..you....YOU BITCH" she punches my chest jokingly "I ALMOST GOT A HEART ATTACK AND GOT ALL SAPPY AND MUSHY FOR YOU JUST SO YOU COULD PRANK ME?!" she shouts point her hands everywhere "You know I was like scared! Coz you said you liked it and I was like, oh no I gotta get used to this no more chocolate curls, but not as in i lied I just gotta get used to it which added more pressure than I already felt!" She stated but I only laughed even more and awed

"babe don't worry"

"I HAD A MATH QUIZ TODAY" she point at herself "AND YOUR HERE LAUGHING YOUR ASS OFF?? no wait let me sit on the bed since you like when I sit on your lap"

"no no baby I'm sorry" I said while laughing, her face was hilarious

"no you're not! and no kisses till Monday" she huffs and looks at the wall, I give her ten seconds until she turns around to ask one more question, and she did

"hop on the shower we're cleaning the white of you, you Jack Frost wannabe" well more like a demand I huffed but got up with her and turned the recording off

"neds gonna love this"

Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!

-quacksonlover

[negandarylsatisfaction]

[SUMMARY: Negan keeps a close eye on his ex Deena after learning that the man she is currently with has a history of abuse.]

Negan and Deena PART TWO

Smut/drama/TW:physical abuse

"What do you wanna know about Michael?" Simon asked a bit confused as they stepped into his apartment.

"Everything. Anything you know."

"Well shit-" Simon scratched his head trying to make himself remember anything about this man on the spot.

"I dont know, I met him like a decade ago. I'd always see him at the Jackson bar on Friday nights. I dont think he has any kids. He used to date this one girl for a while but I dont know what happened with her. We used to hear rumors but-"

"What rumors?"

"I-I dont think they were true but-"

"What fucking rumors?"

"Some people used to say he'd smack his girlfriend around but I dont know man, I never saw any proof."

Negan knit his brow giving Simon a death stare.

"And you didnt think to tell me this after I told you the mother of my child was with this man?"

"Negan I-" before Simon could finish Negan grabbed him by the collar and gave him a hard shake.

"You didnt think to tell me my woman could be with someone dangerous!"

"Your woman? Negan I swear I didnt remember." Negan didnt respond staring at him for a moment before finally letting him go and taking a deep breath.

"What happened, did he do something to Deena?"

Negan sat down and ran his hands over his face in frustration.

"She wont tell me but I know something is not right."

"Shes not going to tell you, remember you're an asshole in her eyes so I doubt she'd tell you even if something was wrong." Simon lit up a cigarette leaning back on his chair.

"Listen, I may be an asshole but I never fucking touched Deena. I never lay a hand on her." Negans knee was shaking as he sat back and thought of what the truth could be, Simon had never seen him this concerned.

"Hey man, maybe its not even like that. You cant bombard her with it, you know how she is. She'll shut down. Just give it time, if something else looks weird, act on it but till then just wait cause we really dont know."

Negan knew Simon was right in a way. Deena wouldnt admit it even if it was true and he didnt have solid evidence.

Instead Negan was going to make it a habit now to show up more often to see Jack. Of course during his visits with Jack he'd make sure you were ok without asking you anything. He would just keep a closer eye on you.

As he planned, Negan showed up more throughout the week to see Jack. Everytime he had been there Michael wasnt there, yet he still noticed you keep to yourself more than usual. Of course you had to keep to yourself more, you didn't want to upset Michael again. Part of you knew your feelings were still strong for Negan but you didnt want to acknowledge it because of how much he had hurt you. Michael was someone new who you convinced to yourself wasnt that bad. You did call him another mans name, part of you was almost making yourself believe it was your fault what occured. Michael hadn't touched you since, as long as you didnt upset him you were fine is what you would tell yourself.

Negan was in the living room with Jack while you began cooking dinner for when Michael would arrive. You could hear Negan being playful with Jack, it was a sweet sound that made your heart flutter.

Negan sighed putting the baby down in his playpen before looking towards the kitchen. He walked in as you stirred the food, leaning his shoulder on the doorway watching you quietly cook.

"You look beautiful."

Your heart immediately began to race, trying not to put much thought to it or even look his way, you smiled.

"Thank you."

Negan slowly walked in to the kitchen looking around. He noticed some things had been changed from where you originally had them. He noticed something sitting beside the food pantry he hadn't noticed before.

"What's this?" Negan asked opening the box to find a stack of tools.

"Wait, Negan-" you ran to him taking the tool from his hand and putting it back in the box carefully.

"This is Michael's and he doesnt like it to be touched." Negans face quickly changed noticing how nervously you reacted.

"What does he live here now?"

"No. He just has some things here. That's all, just don't touch it please. Hes really picky with his things."

You walked back to the pot of food that was almost done cooking as Negan crossed his arms not taking his eyes off you. He had never seen you act this way before.

"You must really like this guy huh?" He asked just to see your reaction, he knew there was something more making you act this way.

"Mhm." You responded without making eye contact.

"Mhm." Negan pressed his lips together before you were both interrupted by the sound of the door unlocking.

"That must be Michael now."

"He has the fucking keys? Since when?"

"Negan please. I just gave it to him for today since I thought I was going to be alone with Jack." You quickly walked out to greet Michael at the door. The more Negan realized things, the more angrier he became. This man was trying to claim all of this as his. He was trying to gain a power over you and you couldnt see it.

Negan walked out of the kitchen to catch Michael with his lips on yours. Negan right away got a bad taste in his mouth at the sight before Michael looked up at him.

"Negan. I didnt know you were here."

"Yeah. Came by to check on my son and Deena. Have to make sure shes ok here by herself with him."

"Oh I'm sure I have a good watch on that." Michael quickly responded.

"Yeah well an extra eye doesnt hurt." Negan grinned trying to keep himself composed. The silence that followed made you anxious and uncomfortable.

"So are you ready for dinner?"

"Yes!" Both men eagerly responded at the same time, making you more anxious. It was clear these men did not like each other and had no problem in showing it.

Negan watched as Michael sat and let you serve him. He could tell you were nervous as you served his plate, of course you were. You had not expected Negan to stay for dinner.

"Thank you, baby." Michael said loudly as you turned to walk towards Negan with the food when he suddenly spanked your ass hard making you gasp. Negan grabbed his knee under the table hard, he knew Michael was doing this to purposely piss him off and boy was it working. As you were about to serve Negan he stood up and grabbed the pot of food from you.

"I got it, Dee. Sit down, shit you been on your feet all day."

"Dee? I've never heard anyone call her Dee." Michael cleared his throat looking up at Negan with a raised brow. Michael clearly didnt like the sound of the little nickname Negan had for you.

"Only I do. Old habit." Negan knew what he was doing and if Michael wanted to get under his skin, he knew how to get under his too. Taking a deep breath you sat down next to Jack, making sure he was comfortable in his high chair and began to eat. There was silence for a moment until Michael noticed the lid on his box of tools was not left the way he had left it the day before.

"What happened with my tool box?" Michael's question instantly made you nervous.

"Oh I-"

"That was me." Negan interrupted not liking the tone in his voice when he spoke to you.

"You let Negan touch my tool box?"

"She didnt let me touch anything. I thought it was something I had left here so I went to take a look." Negan responded confidently.

"I dont know why you would think anything here belongs to you, you dont live here."

"As far as I'm concerned, neither do you." Negan shot back.

"Ok stop." You spoke hesitantly as the men stared at each other angrily.

"Can we just enjoy dinner?"

The rest of the dinner was silent, you didn't make eye contact with either of the men. Negan stood up and was soon getting ready to leave. He leaned in beside you to give Jack a kiss. You could smell his scent close to you, Michael quietly stared at you as you stared down at your plate of food.

"Let me know if you need anything, Deena." You heard his voice close to your ear.

Negan walked out not liking the idea of him leaving you alone with Michael. In reality, what could he do without you acknowledging anything or him having proof? He would just look like a jealous man, which he could admit jealous he was. Negan left and you could feel Michael's eyes on you.

"I trust you to not let your ex touch my belongings or disrespect me."

"I told him not to touch it, Michael. I really did."

"Dont." He slammed his fist on the table making you jump. Jack began to cry making you quickly pull him out of his high chair and comfort him.

"Dont lie to me, Deena."

"Michael stop it. Im not lying to you and you're scaring Jack. You can leave." Surpsingly feeling a rush of courage when it came to Jack, you stood up with him in your arms and began to walk out the room until he unexpectedly grabbed your arm. You froze as he squeezed you and stood up staring down at you.

"Watch how you talk to me, baby."

"I said..you can leave." You felt yourself shaking as you stood your ground.

"Alright. You want me to leave? I'll leave." Michael responded calmly, a little too calm for comfort. He turned around and began to walk away making you let our a deep breath of relief when suddenly he turned around and smacked you across the face. You yelped as you fell hard to the floor holding Jack as tight as you could. Blocking his head from hitting anything you slammed your head on the bottom kitchen cabinet.

"Now I'll leave. You see what you do to yourself." Michael walked out slamming the door loudly as Jack cried loudly. Tears streaming down your eyes you cried with him.

"I'm so sorry." You whispered to Jack. Pushing yourself up off the floor you went to lock the door when Michael suddenly appeared again making you step back.

"Another thing, you tell Negan any of this I'll make sure you never see your son again. Remember my brother is a lawyer. He'll have you all fucked."

With those last words he walked out for a second time. Looking over at the table by the door you were relieved to see he had left the keys. Immediately you locked it, even clicking the bolt into place. Upset you walked up the stairs to run Jack a warm bath and calm him down. All you wanted was to call Negan to come over in that moment.

You took Jack a bath and put him to bed when you realized you had a text from Negan.

"Is jackass still around?" He texted making you chuckle softly.

"No. Alone now, baby just went to sleep." You responded in a text when suddenly you heard your phone begin to ring but when you checked, it wasnt a phone call.

Negan wanted to video call you. Your heart skipped a beat, he had never done this. What the hell was making him do it now.

You picked up the video call and found him staring very serious at the screen, he also look a bit tired.

"Figuring out your phone huh?" You teased.

"I wanted to see you." You watched as Negans eyes roamed over the screen taking a good look at you. Negan was doing everything he could to have a closer eye on you without you realizing it.

"Well you're seeing me." You responded with a smile but Negan could tell the smile didnt reach your eyes.

"I'm surprised the asshole didnt stay the night." Quickly, he saw you look away from the camera turning to the side. Looking to keep yourself occupied with something.

"Its fine. I wanted to be alone anyways."

"Guess he didn't like me being there for dinner." Negan chuckled to himself.

"He doesnt like alot of things." You muttered low.

"What do you see in that asshole, Deena?"

His sudden question caught you off guard but you didnt know how to respond.

"I know I wasnt the greatest to you but I see you with this guy and you're not you."

You stayed looking away from the camera as Negan quietly stared at you.

"Can we talk about something else?"

Negan heard a crack in your voice as you brushed your hand through your hair.

"What happened after I left, Deena?"

"Nothing happend after you-" cutting yourself off you looked up having heard a thump. Negan frowned wondering what caught your attention.

"What is it?"

You didnt respond as you slowly stood up and walked out of the room quickly checking on Jack. Thankfully he was fine and the main door was still locked. You sighed a breath of relief before getting back into your room and realizing you were becoming paranoid.

"I thought I heard something, it was just me." Negan could tell something was worrying you but you didnt want to admit what it was.

"You want me to come over, just to make sure everything is fine around the house?"

His offer made you quickly look back at him with some sort of relief in your eyes.

"I mean yes, maybe check the attic. Could be a pipe." You lied and he knew it. In all honesty you were just afraid with what had just happened with Michael. You felt paranoid about him showing up unexpectedly. Negan played along just wanting you to be comfortable and made his way to you. It was around ten at night, Negan never came over this late but you didnt mind it.Relieved to see Negan when you opened the door you let him in and quickly locked the door from top to bottom. You turned to find him staring at you strangely.

"Since when have you been using the bolt?"

Negan had placed the bolt for you a few years back but with all the locks on the door you had never used it. You never found it necessary.

"A habit I have now." You chuckled low as you walked past him. It did make you nervous that Negan was in your home, what if Michael found out in some kind of way? The thought of Michael turned your stomach.

"What did you want me to check out, doll?"

"Oh yeah, the attic. Maybe I heard the noise coming from there." Negan never seeming to be afraid of the unknown, pulled the ladder down and walked right up. It was hard not to admit to yourself that besides the differences you both have had, you could always count on him whenever you needed him.

"Just like I thought! Theres nothing up here." He yelled from the attic.

"You sure?"

"Shit, come see for yourself."

Negan chuckled as he came back down the ladder, you had always been afraid to go up to the attic alone.

"I know I heard something." You whispered as he made his way to you and leaned his face in close.

"You sure, sweetcheeks?" He teased making you chuckle. Negan loved teasing you, he always liked seeing you laugh.

"Oh stop." You playfully shoved him which only made him bounce back closer to you. The two of you stopped for a moment and stared into each others eyes. The thought of that kiss he gave you the last time made you shiver inside. But before he could reach in and kiss you, you quickly turned away. The strong pull you felt to him couldnt be denied but Michael...the thought of that man terrified you.

"Do you want a snack, I want a snack. I'll make us something quick." Negan watched as you flew down the stairs and scoffed shaking his head. He knew you wanted him just as bad.

As you reached into the cabinet Negan walked into the kitchen and leaned on the door way. You could feel his eyes on you, devouring you from head to toe.

"I know you dont give a shit about this guy." Negan spoke confidently as he slowly made his way to you. You didn't say a word knowing you couldnt react to him, thinking of the threat Michael made, you couldn't risk it.

"Fuck, Deena why do you let him control you like this?" Negan asked making you turn to him. He knew that would make you react which is what he wanted.

"He doesn't control me so quit assuming things."

"So then kiss me." He grinned as get got closer to you making you back up into corner.

"So what you're telling me to do is cheat on him."

"Oh is that what I said?" Negan chuckled with sarcasm.

"Figures you know, since you know so much about cheating yourself." You responded back with double the sarcasm making him laugh. You rolled your eyes pushing him aside but he blocked you with his arm. His expression suddenly turning more serious, he stared down at you not letting you pass him. His look was making you weak, your lips parted looking at his. You knew this wasn't right but the closer he got the more irresistible he became.

"I'm not going to kiss you." You whispered sounding anything but confident.

"Oh yeah? You sure about that?" He whispered in return wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you against him making you gasp.

"Now what was that you said, sweetheart?"

You were now speechless, how can you resist this man? You never stopped wanting him and he never had stopped wanting you. He leaned in and you instantly melted at the feel of his warm lips on yours. He felt your body fall into his as he passionately kissed you. He took your arms and wrapped them around his neck as he grabbed your ass with both hands.

"Negan..." you whispered into his lips.

"Hm? Tell me what you want, doll." He spoke slowly and erotically. Each word pulling at your heart strings.

"I want you." You whispered feeling him squeeze you harder when he suddenly lifted you up and sat you on the kitchen counter. You could hear him unbuckling his belt as he kissed you, his hands brushing up your thighs and pulling down your shorts and underwear. Your heart was racing. You swore this would never happen again but you didnt want him to stop. He pulled back for a moment and looked at you as he pulled you towards the edge of the counter. Negan wanted you to look directly at him as he entered you. Your arms and legs were wrapped around him as he pushed in forward, the both of you moaned simultaneously at the first feel of each other. It had been too long since he felt you and he didnt know how long he could control himself before exploding.

"Holy fuck." Negan muttered as he got into rythm. Aggresivly pulling off his shirt he threw it across the room. You moaned loudly as Negan broke out in a sweat, it took alot of him not to burst with each moan you let out. You screamed as you leaned your head back against the wall, fully exposing your neck. Negan wrapped one hand around your throat and gave you a hard squeeze as he moved faster. You squealed as he used the same hand to now grab your hair pulling it back hard.

"Negan!" You grabbed onto him tightly, the sound of your voice helpless calling for him made it hard for him to control himself any longer.

"Fuck, Deena- I cant fucking hold it-" before he could finish he groaned loudly letting himself explode within you. You moaned as he buried himself deeply, his body against yours. The two of you panting uncontrollably in each others arms.

"Negan." You whispered in a shakey voice before he pulled back and slowly pulled himself out.

"Fuck, I couldnt stop it." He spoke breathlessly falling back onto the chair behind him.

"You know how long I've been waiting for that." He chuckled making you laugh.

Jack had still been sleeping while you and Negan lay in bed under the covers. Your face on his chest as he rubbed your hair back gently. It was nice forgetting everything for just a moment until Negan rubbed over a certain part of your head making you lift your head up and wince.

"Ow."

"What's that?" Negan felt the bump on the back of your head and frowned. You knew the bump must've been from when you fell and hit your head on the cabinet. You weren't going to tell Negan this so you simply shrugged.

"I dont even know how that happened. These random bruises come out of nowhere. Dont you hate when that happens." You laughed nervously and lay your head back down. Negan stayed looking down at you not liking your response.

"You know you can tell me anything right, Dee?" You hesitantly lifted your head up and looked back at him.

"What would I need to tell you? What do you mean?" Negan didnt say a word for a moment but he knew he had to. He didnt know how you would react but he couldnt continue acting like he wasnt noticing certain things.

"What I mean is that ever since you began dating that fuck, Michael, you either have some new bruise or you're suddenly nervous with shit you never were nervous about before. I know you, Deena and you sure as fuck arent acting like yourself."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?!" You stood up quickly putting on your robe making Negan roll his eyes, he knew you would get defensive.

"Dee-" Negan tried to speak sitting up in the bed but you wouldnt let him.

"I dont know who the hell is putting this shit in your mind but leave it alone. Nobody is doing anything to me."

"Listen, I'm not trying to pick a god damn fight for fucksake." Negan got up and began to get dressed.

"Yeah? Well you are! Why dont you mind your business."

"You are my fucking business!" Negan yelled so loudly you were surprised Jack hadn't woken up.

"You know what, get out! This is why I never wanted to sleep with you again-" Negan scoffed in return.

"I beg to differ, sweetheart. With the way you felt you been wanting that just as much as I have." You stared at him in silence holding back your tears, you were not going to let him make you admit the truth.

"Get out and do me a favor dont come back unless it's to pick up Jack." You stormed out of the room making your way down the stairs to the kitchen. Negan cursed at himself angrily, the last thing he wanted to do was fight with you.

"Goddamn women." He muttered low, but he knew he had to approach this matter differently.

In the kitchen you quietly made yourself tea hearing him come down the stairs. He slowly made his way inside and leaned back on the counter beside you but you wouldnt look his way.

"Did he threaten you?" Negan asked with his arms crossed looking at the ground. Feeling a knot in your throat you couldnt respond, your silence spoke for itself making Negan look over at you.

"That son of a-"

"Negan please."

"Tell me the truth, Deena. He fucking hits you doesnt he?" His voice was stern, his eyes darkened as he looked down at you.

"It was my fault, Negan-" you cried out as Negan turned and punched the concrete wall behind him. The anger in him rising rapidly, he didnt even feel the effect on his knuckles.

"I'll kill him! I swear to God I'll fucking kill him."

"Negan, please you cant tell him anything. Please..."

"Oh for fuck sake, Deena! What the fuck does he have over you?! What is he threatening you with?!"

Negan stared down at you silently, his breathing was heavy, he studied the look in your eyes when it suddenly clicked.

"Jack." He whispered and all he saw was red. Negan quickly charged for the front door as you ran after him catching up before he could leave, you blocked the entrance.

"Negan, please you're not listening!" You cried.

"Oh I'm fucking listening, hes using our son to keep you shut. I'd like to see him try something-"

"Negan his brother is a lawyer. He threatened if I told you anything he'd make sure they'd take Jack away from me. Please, I beg you. I beg you, dont do or say anything. He doesnt do anything as long as I do what he says-"

"Do you fucking hear yourself, Dee?! As long as you do what he says? Who the fuck is he?! I know I was never an easy man to deal with but I never, ever put my god damn hands on you! Ever!" Negan turned red as he yelled, a vein pulsating hard in his neck appeared. You quietly cried before suddenly hearing Jack begin to cry upstairs. Negan sighed looking down, his fists balled up at his sides.

"Just promise me you wont say anything. Promise me."

"Ok." Negan stood aside letting you get past him to run up the stairs and check on Jack. He could hear you singing to him and ran his hands through his hair. He had never been so frustrated by a situation. He knew you were terrified for yourself and Jack and he hated that he felt like he couldnt do anything.

The next few weeks flew by peacefully, your cousin had come into town so she had been staying with you every day. With her around Michael never did anything to you. Negan knew you were safe for the time being but hated knowing Michael was still with you. You had never felt more confused, you loved Negan..you knew you did. The two of you hadn't even spoken about what happened between the two of you at all. Yet, you couldnt stop thinking about it. Jack's birthday was coming up the next day, you couldnt believe he was turning three. As excited as you were the thought of having Michael and Negan together in the same room for the first time since that night made your stomach turn. It made your stomach turn so much you actually began to feel nauseous. Brushing off the nausea, the sound of the doorbell went off and you knew it was Negan.

"Hi." You smiled as you stepped back and let him come in with a bunch of balloons.

"I picked up all these damn balloons, the cake and tomorrow I just gotta get the food." You laughed as Negan struggled with decorations and lay them out on the table.

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

Once he had everything set, he turned to you and couldn't help letting his eyes roam from your head to your toes.

"Looking good, Dee."

You blushed feeling your cousins eyes fall on you in confusion. Negan winked at you before turning to Jack and got right on the floor with him and began playing with him.

"Looking good, Dee." Your cousin muttered beside you, making fun of what she has just witnessed.

"Cut it out, Louise."

"What was that all about, he looked like he totally undressed you with his eyes." She continued making you sigh when you the wave of nausea struck you again.

This time it didnt go away and you found yourself running across the living room to the bathroom. Negan looked up with a frown then looked over to Louise as she stared in even more confusion.

"Stay with Jack." Negan pushed himself up and made his way to the bathroom door, knocking gently.

"Deena? You ok?" He could hear you continuing to throw up before you finally flushed. A few minutes later you stepped out of the bathroom looking pale and weak.

"I think it was something I ate." You whispered rubbing your head.

"Come on, let's get you to sit back."

Negan guided you by your arm to the living room when you found Louise opening the door for Michael. You froze in your steps as Negans expression quickly changed.

"Negan, what a surprise."

Negans lip twitched as Michael's eyes drifted to him holding your arm.

"Oh I wasnt feeling good-"

"So I was making sure she could make it back to the couch safely." Negan interrupted in a calm yet cold tone.

"Well I'm sure I can take over now that-"

"I got her." Negan shot back sternly.

"Its ok, Negan. I feel fine, Louise is here with me too."

"Yeah I got her, Negan." Louise agreed.

Michael and Negan didnt say a word to each other as Louise took your arm and led you to the couch. Negan walked out angrily not liking to feel out of control with this situation. You knew tomorrow would be a whole other roller coaster of emotions. It would be Jack's birthday celebration, it was already the 8th. Your heart sunk realizing what you had just thought to yourself. How could you be so stupid?

It was already the 8th and you realized you were four days late on your period.

The rest of the day you felt fine physically but you worried like never before. You knew you had a extra pregnancy test hidden in your drawer somewhere that you would take as soon as Michael would leave. When he did finally leave you asked Louise to stay with Jack while you hid in the bathroom to take the rest.

"Please don't be positive, please dont be positive." You continued to whisper repeatedly when it was time for you to look at the test and your mouth dropped open.

"Oh my God.."

It was positive.

Obviously, you knew it was Negans not having had sex with Michael in the last few weeks. Louise called out for you and you quickly hid the test and the box under your shirt and ran down stairs. Throwing out any of the evidence and without saying a word put Jack to sleep for the night.

The next day you got dressed up in a nice blue sundress for Jack's birthday. It was a very small gathering and you were excited to make this memory for Jack. Looking at yourself in the mirror you finished you make up and took a deep breath before heading out of your room. The decorations had been placed nicely in the living room. Michael was in the kitchen while Louise finished setting up the balloons. You had no idea that while Michael was in the kitchen he had discovered the box the pregnancy test came out of my accident as he was taking out the garbage.

"Deena! Can you come to the kitchen for second?" Michael called out for you as you played with Jack in the living room. You left him on the floor with Louise as you entered the kitchen with a smile excited for the day before realizing what you were walking into. Michael stood by the counter with the box of your pregnancy test in hand. The expression on your face instantly changing, you felt yourself having trouble to breathe.

"Wh-where did you get that..?"

"Oh right from your garbage can, baby." His face looked demented, he looked like a ticking bomb.

"Michael....let me explain.." you whispered as he made his way closer to you.

"Let you explain? Go ahead, explain." Michael threw the box on the table making a glass cup fall and shatter on the floor. Louise heard the noise and looked up before being distracted by the door.

It was Negan.

Louise opened the door for Negan as he came in excitedly picking his son up and wishing him a happy birthday.

"You're a big boy now, three years old." Negan grinned when he suddenly heard Michael yelling. He looked towards the kitchen door then back at Louise with a raised brow.

"I dont know." She whispered with a shrug.

"Michael please!" Negan heard you yell making him quickly give the baby to Louise and charge to the kitchen. When Negan pushed open the door he found Michael grabbing you by your hair before pushing you to the floor. You screamed before looking back and noticing Negan at the door. His eyes filled with rage, you stood up and ran to him blocking him before he could do anything.

"Negan wait- it's not what it looks like."

"Oh yeah, Deena why dont you show Negan here what it looks like huh?"

"Please, Negan just go-"

"Get out of the kitchen, Deena. I've been waiting for this shit." Negan didnt take his eyes off Michael across the room.

"Negan please, listen to me. Look at me."

"Yeah please, look at her before I have to make her shut the hell up."

"Negan!" You squealed when he suddenly pushed you behind him and charged towards Michael.

"Come on asshole, I'll give you a fair fight." Negan threw the chair that was in front of him across the room before he finally reached Michael and the two men began to fight. Both men trying to put each other in head locks as they ran into everything around them, knocking everything to the floor.

"Deena get the hell out of here!"

You stood in shock against the door way watching as Negan knocked Michael off his feet.

"Yeah...wouldnt want an unfortunate accident to happen to a pregnant woman." Michael grunted as Negan held him down before realizing what he said. Negan looked up at you in disbelief before quickly looking back down at Michael.

"Wouldnt want anything happening to that baby." He continued to taunt before Negan collided his fist with Michael's face.

"Say something stupid again, I fucking dare you. Trust me asshole, I got alot more where that came from." He looked directly into Michael's eyes but before he could utter another word, Negan punched him again. Louise had put the baby in his crib and called 911 from hearing all the commotion. She came into the kitchen and gasped at the site of the entire kitchen a mess. The rush of emotions and morning sickness started to take over you. You felt yourself tipping over to the side before bumping into Louise.

"Deena are you okay?" She yelled making Negan look up to find you struggling to stand straight.

"Louise sit her down." Negan instructed without letting go of Michael. Michael scoffed with blood pouring out of his mouth when soon you heard the sound of the cops at the door.

"My brother will handle all of you."

"Youre brother can choke on my dick." Negan squeezed down harder on Michael's neck. The police quickly entered the house and detained Michael who kept yelling at all of you as they dragged him out. Negan rushed to you, grabbing a chair and sitting down right in front of you. You instantly noticed his bloody and bruised knuckles.

"Sir, do you need us to take a look at that?" A paramedic asked Negan.

"No, this is fine-" he shook his hand not worried of any injury.

"I need you to check her." Negan motioned towards you but you quickly shook your head.

"I'm fine, I'm just dehydrated-.

"And pregnant." Negan interrupted.

"You're pregnant?! What!" Louise screamed with excitement making you chuckle. Negan himself couldnt help but smirk a bit.

"Yes, Louise. Wait-wheres Jack?" You looked around as your heart began to race.

"Hes upstairs sleeping, hes fine. Dont worry, Deena." She hugged you as Negan stayed holding your hand. "You're going to need to get a restraining order on that guy if hes bailed out. You cant be here alone with the baby, and pregnant with that mad man knowing where you live."

"Oh she wont be alone, I can promise you that."

Negan meant every word he said, he was never going to risk losing you again.

If you have ideas for a part 3 if youd like one let me know? Not sure where to go after this or if I should continue at all.

[glassartpeasants]

Crying In The Club

 Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, bullying, false love, physical abuse

*Part 1* *Part 2* *Part 3*

A/N: Bruh i didn’t mean for it to be this long. I think i might have gotten to into it. I promise that this was only going to be angst but then i started. This is not as angsty as i thought it was gonna be but i still like it. The ending may seem a bit rushed and to that im sorry OvO

@zuffer-weird-girl finally finished it after many gruesome hours trying to figure out where this fic should lead too XD

~~~

It wasn’t a secret to anyone that knew you that you always a a taste in mysterious and secretive men. You just couldn’t help it. You liked the mystery. You were never one to back down from a challenge.

That was until you met Chisaki Kai.

You were introduced to him by the club owner of the place you use to work at. For some odd reason you couldn’t help but fall in love with those mysterious golden eyes. Whenever he was around you, your heart would beat faster then it ever had for any of the other men you have dated over the years.

His voice sent shivers down your spine making you bit your lip. Your co-workers noticed that whenever he came into the club for business reasons you were always the one who needed to be their server. They didn’t question it cause they found the little game of cat and mouse funny.

You kinda knew you were playing with fire when you started to flirt with him. You made sure to do your research before going up to a complete stranger and start flirting with them. You knew that he went by the name Overhaul even though his real name was Chisaki Kai.

~~~

5 month’s after you first met him

“Hey Overhaul. What would you like today sir?” You say smiling at the gangster. You may have done some research but you only knew his name, his real name at least.

“Black coffee.”

“Of course sir!” You turn around and walk towards the counter. Even the slightest things made you all pink and blushy. You couldn’t help that you were so damn attracted to this sex appeal of a man. 

“Just ask him out already dipshit.” You snap your head towards the voice, about to go off before you realize it was your boss.

“W-what do you mean boss?” You laugh nervously trying to avoid the subject.

“It’s obvious you like him. Whats the worse that can happen? He could say no.”

“Or he could kill me-”

“That too. But hey, it’s a no unless you ask.” With that final word he turned around and left, leaving you to your thoughts.

You make his coffee before going back to the seating area and giving him his coffee, quickly smiling a quickly running back to the bar to watch him from afar.

Once he picked up his coffee he noticed a small piece of napkin underneath his cup. He was going to complain but before he could he noticed the numbers that was written on the napkin.

“The hell is this?” Kai said as he picked up the piece of napkin with his gloved fingers before looking at you which in return you quickly looked away.

“I believe she gave you her phone number boss. Doesn’t surprise me, she’s been hitting on you for awhile.” Overhaul looked at his clock haired friend.

“Really? I must not have noticed or cared.” Overhaul looked at the paper again before destroying it with is quirk. He had no time for relationships when his drug was close to perfection. He looked in the direction he last saw you in, which you were no longer there.

You were in fact hiding in the emoplyee’s only bathroom crying your eyes out. Why are you crying? You didn’t even know him that long.

‘It could be the fact he just decided to tear it up in front of you.’ You thought to yourself as you felt your mascara running down your cheeks. You probably looked like a hot mess but you didnt care. You were hurt. Rejection hurt in general but for some reason when it came to him, your heart felt like it was disintegrating in your own chest.

“I can’t go back out there. It would be too embarrassing.” You say to yourself as you try to calm yourself down.

“No what’s embarrassing is the fact i just took multiple pictures of you crying on the bathroom floor.” A smug voice laughed at you. You looked up and saw it was one of your ex co-workers. You remembered her. She was the one who was recently fired from her job here since you were doing so well that they decided that they didn’t need her.

“I’m going to print this picture and put it all over the bar how does that sound? Sounds pretty embarrassing if you ask me.” She laughed at your quivering figure on the floor. How would you even show your face at work after that. 

Before she could say anything else you got up, pushed her to the side and ran out the back door, all the while with tears streaming down your face.

You haven’t shown your face there since.

~~~

3 months after incident

You were called by your boss over and over again begging you to come back to work. Saying how that the girl was arrested and how nobody even saw the pictures. Which was a complete fucking lie. The girl even sent you the pictures she printed of you hung all around the club. Including some of your co-workers and customers laughing at you.

What if he saw them?

The fact that Overhaul could’ve seen them sent you into a frenzy. How would he look at you now? Probably as some low little girl with no sense of dignity. That’s probably what he thought about you. 

~~~

Kai sat at the VIP lounge with his body radiating angry. He had just left the Shie Hassakai base in a rage after an argument with his adoptive father.

His foot tapped rapidly on the ground while his eyebrow twitched. His hands clenching into fist that left his knuckles white.

How dare Pops do this to him?

Pops had told Kai that day that if Kai wanted to become the next head of the Shie Hassakai, that he would have to find a relationship. In Pops words ‘someone to calm you down whenever you upset or stress.’ 

Kai knew that being the head of the Shie Hassakai would be stressful, but he didn’t need someone to ‘calm him down’, he was fine by himself. Even though it pissed Kai off royally, he didn’t want to disappoint Pops. Which lead him back to the club you use to work at.

After the incident of you asking him out he didn’t show back up for awhile. He hated awkward encounters and to see your face after it? Gave him shivers. SO he didn’t show up to said club after a couple months, hoping that by giving it time, everything would go back to the it was.

He heard the familiar footsteps of someone approaching the lounge. He expected to see you but was disappointed when a different server came prancing in.

“Where is (Y/N)?” Considering how long you served him, he knew you by name. So considering that you weren’t there was confusing.

“O-oh! Miss (Y/N) quit a 3 months ago after a incident happened. But what can i get you?” The girl felt scared as she looked at him. He had a reputation for being mean and angry, not to mention how many people he’s killed. So the fact that you were able to go up to him without a problem was kinda cool.

“...Black coffee.”

“Right away sir!” The girl quickly scurried away leaving the man to think. 

He hoped that maybe some coffee would clear his mind and try to figure out of the situation he was put in by his father.

Then it hit him.

If you were willing to go out with him once? Why wouldn’t you try to ask him out again? Of course he would be only using you for his own personal gain, not really caring if you were happy but if he was dating you then Pops would finally get off his ass.

~~~

4 months after incident

You were walking by your old job with a mask covering your face wishing that no one noticed you.

But he did.

“Hey you.” You froze up, remembering that enchanting voice. You turn around and are greeted with a close up of the man who kinda screwed you over.

“What do you want?” You say trying to sound confident but you only came across as meek and scared.

“Why did you quit?” He looked down at you. His eyes felt like he was peering into your soul, leaving no room for lies.

“I rather not speak about it.” You go to turn around and leave before you feel a gloved hand grab your wrist and pull you back closer to the male.

“I wanted to talk to you about another thing.” You looked at him, trying to figure out what he could possibly talk to you about.

“Okay I guess...what is it?”

“Would you still like to go out on a date?”

“I...your not making fun of me are you?”

“I may be an asshole but I would like to apologize.” Kai said as he looked at you directly. You were going to say no, since the damage had already been done, but you couldn’t find it in you. There was just something in his eyes that you couldn’t look away from.

“Sure...”

~~~

First Date?

You were excited to say the least. After he asked you out and you said yes, you agreed to meet him at a cafe nearby on Sunday.

As the days went by, you slowly got more and more excited. How could you not be? After a few shitty months something actually good happens.

“Casual I should dress casual- SHIT ONLY 20 MINUTES LEFT?!” You screeched as soon as you saw the clock. You had already taken a shower. A long one in fact since you knew the man didn’t like germs. 

You grab a simple outfit that you thought would do the trick and quickly put your hair into a ponytail (if you have short hair you can just vibe :) ).

You grabbed your purse and got into your car as fast as you could. You hoped you would make it on time since everyone seemed to be going places that same day.

~~~

You managed to get to the cafe 5 minutes early only to see him already there.

‘Nice going (y/n), now he’s gonna think we have horrible time management.’ You curse yourself in your head before walking in and sitting down next to him.

“Sorry, it was really busy traffic.” You giggle nervously as you tuck a lose strand behind your ear.

“It’s fine. Now tell me about yourself.” Straight to the point huh? Well that’s another thing you liked about him. Your little crush probably had sparkled into a whole ass infatuation. 

You only smile before a pink blush covered your cheeks and neck. You let out a little chuckle before you pretty much told him everything. You liked how he was listening to all of it, it made you all giddy inside.

Kai looked at you continue to ramble about non-important things. Well it seemed important to you. But not to him. Like he said before, he didn’t care about you. He just wanted Pops off his ass so he could just be the next head of the yakuza.

Oh god how he wanted to kill you. Your rambling was getting on his nerves. Did you ever shut up? Kai wasn’t a patient man and many people knew this. 

“But enough about me, what do you like to do for fun?” You questions snapped him out of his thoughts and brought him back to this disgusting cafe.

“I’m usually too busy to do anything other than work.” He wasn’t lying. His work was getting the best of him and he had no time to dilly dally around.

“Well that sounds like it sucks, but hey at least your hardworking! That’s a good trait right?” You said trying to lighten up his seemingly sour mood.

“Sure. What kind of education do you have?” His question seemed to have struck a cord with you when he saw your smile drop. He didn’t show it but behind his mask he was holding back a chuckle.

“I n-never went to college....” Kai looked at you with disgust or disappointment he couldn’t really tell. You didn’t even have a college degree. Jeez, your just a lowly spec underneath his shoe.

“Why so?”  You then proceeded to tell him that you needed a job to pay for your brothers medicine and that your family was too poor for college.

So what? Sure you didn’t have the upper hand in life but neither did he and look what he accomplished! God you were so insufferable.

~~~

After the date

“I had such a good time! Did you?” You ask as you smile out of extreme happiness. This has been the most happy you’ve been in a long time.

“Yes.” Overhaul looked down at you. His face still as blank as ever. But it didn’t bother you, he was always like that!

“Well that’s good to hear. I should get going now-”

“Come home with me.”

“What?!” Your eyes went wide as you stare at the taller man who only looked at you with a questionable glance. What did he mean by that?

“I want you to meet someone.” Oh thank god it’s only that. You were getting kinda worried that he was jumping into THAT STUFF. But he only wanted you to meet someone.

“Oh okay...who am I meeting?” You ask nervously as you followed Overhaul to the direction he was going.

“My father.” SHIT REALLY?! THIS EARLY?! Okay okay (y/n) don’t fucking panic. Everything will be fine. Everything will be okay, just don’t act super fucking stupid.

~~~

“Pops this is my girlfriend (Y/N).” Kai said as he pushed you towards him. Kai could sense you surprise but he knew that you wouldn’t do anything about it. You were to shy for that.

“Ah is that so? Tell me miss (Y/N) how long have you been dating?” Pops looked down at you. Overhauls presence was suffocating as you were pushed to lie just by his presence.

“About two months now. It’s great to meet you!” You smile at the older man who seemed pleased at your response.

“That’s good to hear. I wished you would have told me about her sooner Kai. She seems like a swell lady.” The older man said to his son. 

So people on the street called him Overhaul but in this house he was Kai. Interesting. You turned and looked at Kai a smile on your face but he didn’t seem to notice you. He walked up to his father and started talking to him in hushed whispers. You wanted to lean in closer to what he was saying but decided against it in order to stay on his good side.

~~~

One Month Later

As you sat in the back of Overhauls car you couldn’t help but tap your leg repeatedly. Your nervousness getting the better of you as you make your way to the Shie Hassakai base once more.

One week ago Overhaul had told you he wanted you to move in with him. He said it was for ‘safety purposes’ considering you were the girlfriend of the future head of the Hassakai. You were unsure at first but you said yes eventually with enough convincing.

You didn’t have many things in your apartment so moving wasn’t really that hard for you. You had sold a lot of your things just to be able to pay rent. SO you only had stuff that had sentimental value.

You looked around the empty car that was only occupied by you and the driver. Who was another Yakuza member. You pat your knees nervously as you look outside the car window seeing it moving past stores and people.

~~~

“I’m here.” You say as you entered the compound. You grab your things and begin to look for Overhaul. 

The silence in the compound was deafening. it felt like it threatened your entire exsitence.

“This way.” You jump at the sound of Overhauls voice coming from behind you. You turn around and meekly follow him into a plan white room. There was a bed a bathroom connected to said bedroom and a closet. You walk into the room looking at it in admiration.

“This is so cool! Thanks-”

SLAM

You jumped in place and turn behind you quickly. And to your surprise, the door was closed and Overhaul was no where to be seen. You rub your arm meekly and turn around to unpack your things.

You open up your suitcase and begun to take out your clothes and your personal items before going into the bathroom to take a shower.

~~~

The next morning

You sit in your lovers office while he talks to his father. You didn’t even say anything this entire meeting other then sit there and look pretty. Honestly you were so close to drifting off but thankfully Pops had asked you a question before you could.

“What do you think is my sons best quality?” You were shocked at such a random question but answered no less.

“There are too many to choose from! His work ethic is outstanding and his confidence is what I like about him. Of course there’s more though.” You smile. You went to move a bit only to accidentally brush a single fingertip on Overhaul’s thigh. You didn’t even notice it honestly.

But he did.

How fucking dare you touch him? How dare you rub your disgusting quirk filled body onto his pure one? You even touched him in front of his father! He was so embarrassed. It took him his entire being not to break out in hives and kill you right then in there. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t handle knowing that you thought he loved you when in reality he was only using you to get what he wants. Its not out of guilt it was maybe if he told you, you would be so close to him. That you wouldn’t even speak so he didn’t have to listen to your disgusting ass voice.

He was surely going to punish you after this meeting was over and you both were back in your room.

~~~

You walked towards your room after the little meeting having a spring in your step. It seemed like it was all going well. Pops liked you and Overhaul seemed to not be bothered by everything as much anymore.

You open your door to your room only to be pushed in and the door locked behind you.

“Hey what the hell?” You turn around to see a really angry Overhaul covered in hives and a murderous look in his eye.

“Are you o-” Before you could say anything else Overhaul grabbed you by the throat lifting you up in the air.

“How fucking dare you touch me during that meeting?!” You let out a little gasp for air as your legs kicked around trying to find stable ground.

“B-but i thought.” You choke the words out as your vision starts to go black. His grip around your throat getting harder and harder.

“Well you thought wrong. The only reason im with your pathetic ass is because my father said that if i don’t get a girlfriend he won’t make me the leader of the Shie Hassakai.” Tears formed in your eyes as you realized that this entire time was just a ploy to use you for his own personal gain. 

“Why m-me?” You gasped out the words as your entire body felt like it was dying. Your energy going down by the second.

“Cause you were the only one I knew who would immediately say yes.” He let go of your throat and letting you fall to the ground. You hold your throat as you choke and gasp for air. Coughing as air finally entered your lungs once more. You look up at Overhaul who only smacked you on your left cheek.

“Whenever we’re alone you are to not look at me, touch me, or even speak to me. I want nothing to do to you other then use you for my personal gain. You will never mean anything to me understand?” His words carved into your heart like knives. Just as you started to feel like yourself again, another incident comes to fuck it all up.

“I said do you understand?!” Overhaul grabbed you by your hair tugging it making you face him. 

“Yes I understand!” Tears fall down your eyes like a water faucet. Overhauls fingerprints stain your neck as they slowly start to bruise. The red hand-print adorned your face like a tattoo and the grip on your hair felt like he was ripping them all out slowly.

Overhaul finally let you go after you had answered him. Your body lying on the floor shaking in sadness and fear.

“When my father asks you why you have those finger prints on your neck lie about how you got them. Or you will be in even more trouble that your worth.”

“O-okay...” You hiccuped. Overhaul turned around and left the room locking it from the outside.

You grab your knees and bring yourself into a fetal position as your tears make the carpet wet. 

~~~

2 months later

After that situation you never really came out of your room. Only when it was necessary. Why would you leave? It seems like every time you do, it always leads to another sort of punishment.

You sit in your room lying on your ed and trying to plan an escape out of this hell hole and a revenge plan on Overhaul.

‘You could tell his father.’ You say to yourself as you let out a sigh. How would you even get close to Pops? Overhaul is around him like bee’s to honey.

‘Do it when he’s in the bathroom! You’ll be protected by him. There’s not way he’d hurt his father.’

You felt a gleam of hope at this newfound idea in which you got up quickly to get dressed a little bit better. 

Once all dressed and ready you walk the halls of the compound silently hoping to find pops and tell him everything that has been going on.

You tip toe around the base as you look over your shoulder repeatedly hoping that Overhaul wasn’t there. You tip toe faster when you hear the voice of Pops in a nearby room.

You open the door and see Pops sitting on a couch talking to someone. Once you heard his voice you go to shut the door but Pops had spotted you before you could make a run for it.

“Ah (y/n), what can we do for you?” Your head was running a million miles per hour as you look at Overhaul who glared at you with his golden orbs.

“Uh Pops can I talk to you privately? I got a surprise for him but i wanted to know your opinion.” That was a complete lie. You would never give that monster anything. But maybe if you told Pops that truth he would punish him and would be able to set you free.

“Oh sure! Kai your girlfriend is such a sweet little thing.” Overhauls widen once he realized you plan. But before he could drag Pops back you had already had him out the door.

“So whats the surprise?” Pops chuckled before you started tearing up and balling.

“Woah woah, what wrong?”

“It’s your son! Don’t believe a word he says! He doesn’t love me! He’s only using me to be the head of the Hassakai! Please you have to help me leave! Every time i do something he doesn’t like he punishes me for it!” You cry as tears stream down your face.

“Is this true?” His voice was calming as it soothed your fear. You looked up at him feeling safe with a bit of hope gleaming in your eyes. You shook your head yes.

“I’m so sorry my son had done this to you I’ll-” Before he could even finish his sentence Kai had touched Pops in the neck, causing him to pass out onto the floor. 

“You really did it now (y/n).” Overhaul took steps towards you as you walked away from him. Your entire body shook as you stared at the ruthless man.

“What did you do to Pops?!” You scream at him. 

“That’s nothing of your concern.” He ran at you with high speed as to catch you. You turn around and begin to run like your life depended on it. Which it did.

“Get back here!” Your tears stained your face making it difficult to see where you were going.

You knew you couldn’t out run Overhaul forever. He was way more fit then you were and was taller too. But through your tears you saw the front door of the compound.

Your heart nearly jumped out of its chest before running even faster using all of your energy to try and make it to the door. You saw your freedom right in front of you, it was there. You could almost feel it-

“Got you (y/n).” You felt your hair being grabbed then tugged backwards, causing you to land on the ground.

“Please..just let me go...”

“After that stunt you just pulled? I don’t think i can do that.” With your hair still in his hand he dragged you back to your room by your hair.

“If your gonna kill me just do it already then you piece of shit!” You scream at him from the top of your lungs. You continue to swear at him and try to escape from his grasp.

Your room door open and you were thrown into it. Hearing the door lock behind you. You rub you head and see Overhaul standing above you.

“Now where to begin?”

[talas-starlight]

a modern romance - peter parker x reader

summary: the downfall of meeting peter online and falling for him

warnings: angst, rly sad lol, confusing feelings - not that long?

a/n: hiya friends!! this is my very first marvel/ peter fic & im hella nervous but lmk what you think!! hehe 

The moons iridescent glow glimmers upon the sad expression that etched its way onto your face. There’s nothing special about the sky on this particular night. The deep blue so dark, you’d pass it off as a plain black if anyone asked. You suppose it perfectly matches the emotions which have weaved its way through your soul. Muted ticks of the living room clock squeeze their way under your door. It’s not loud enough to block out the silence that encompasses you, allowing the thoughts you skilfully blocked out throughout the day to invade your mind. Yet as you sit on the edge of your bed after your entire family has finally fallen asleep, for once in your life you wished it was loud again. Loud enough that you wouldn’t be so consumed with your thoughts that you don’t even notice the small breeze swaying your curtains side to side because you forgot to shut the window.  

It’s not your fault.

Screwing your eyes shut, you take in the deepest breath you can muster. Your lungs filled to the brim with air, but instead of making you feel alive, its wholeness makes you choke back a small cry.

Deep down, you acknowledged that you fell for him. You even saw it coming with your history of getting attached for too quickly, but for the first time you were bothered by the outcome. So, bothered you wanted to scream.

On one hand, you knew the chances of it working out were slim to none. How could you so foolishly let yourself open up to the point where you’d fall for his sweet, bright smile and soft curls through your phone screen?

Online relationships never work.

But alas, after talking so consistently for so long, you allowed yourself to believe that for once it could genuinely work out.

**

“Did you know we’ve been talking for three months straight now?!”

“Really?! It honestly feels longer than that. To think it was all because I tweeted about being stressed for my chemistry final.”

His laugh fills your heart, “You’re lucky I came to the rescue. But I guess you could say this is our anniversary.”

Your heart skipped a beat. Anniversary? Does he mean he’s interested in me?

Letting out a small breath you didn’t even realise you were holding in, you giggled, pushing the hopeful thoughts aside. It wouldn’t work; he lives in a completely different country.

Eyes glancing to the side, you’re nervous to even look at him. You gulp. “How are you so sure?”

It's silent. Despite the slightly blurry connection between the two of you, you notice a small blush creep its way onto his face.

“Pete?”

“I may or may not have scrolled all the way to the top of our conversation to check?”

It was at that point where you felt like your heart skipped a beat. Your chest was freezing completely and every logical thought you’ve been trying to drill into your brain not to yearn for the American boy fly’s out the window.

Play it cool.

“Aweee! I knew you were whipped.”

As the weeks went on from that conversation, you continued to grow more and more infatuated with the boy through the screen.

That was your exact downfall.

While only ever being able to communicate online at obscure times of the day, you initially saw it as a blessing. Study for uni during the day, talk to peter before you go to bed.

Alas, it was a curse in disguise.

Finding yourself thinking about how he would make you laugh and completely over the moon every single night, you eventually became reckless. As he would fill you in on the Star Wars marathon he had with Ned while you were sleeping, it became impossibly hard to ignore how your heart would yearn to be there with him. To see him in his complete element in person. To rest your head on his shoulder as he stared with amazement towards the screen. You knew it wouldn’t happen, but what did you do instead? You confessed.

It all seemed harmless at first. What could go wrong? Yes, he might not feel the same way, but it’s not like you’d actually have to face him. He’d still want to be your friend regardless.

Or at least that’s what you told yourself.

Cringing at the confidence you had in yourself a week prior to your confession, frustrated words of abuse towards your actions swim in your mind.

When you confessed during a game of truth, he actually admitted there were feelings there for you too. Yet as the days went on, feeling confident enough to tell him how cute he looked during your daily facetimes or snapchats… you felt him drifting away—pulling back. Almost as if he were a man overboard that didn’t want you to jump into the ocean to bring him back.

Smooth streams of air push their way out from your parted lips. Screwing your eyes shut, you shove the heels of your palms against them desperately willing yourself to not break down in sobs.

Why did you have to ruin it?

You wanted to be mad. Furious. You kept telling yourself that he could’ve said something. He could’ve been honest with you and give you a chance to get over your feelings so you could both stay friends. But he didn’t. The reality was it honestly felt like he let go completely, and it didn’t matter how frustrated you were as you suffered halfway across the world.

You didn’t know what you could do to bring him back, and there was absolutely not a single thing you could do about it.

*Ding!*

It was a notification from peter. It wasn’t a ‘hi’ or a ‘how are you?’ but he sent a TikTok to you for some random comedy skit. The first form of contact in three days.

Maybe it wasn’t like before. It may never return to how it was before and your contact with him will most likely fade into nothing at all, but you couldn’t help but smile a little because he was still there.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:

taglist: lmaO ok so i dont have a taglist for peter or tom or whatever but im just guna tag some mutuals/ friends i do have on here that are involved in the fandom - im so sorry for tagging u in this if u didnt want to be! i wont do it in the future unless u actually want me to but eep! but eek feel free to give me feedback or what u think :)

@kelieah @hollanderfangirl @peterbenjiparker @euphorichxlland​ @stuckonspidey​

[drkcnry67]

you are

A/N: going into the DC side of things. except another leap for my writing as well as my brain. this came to be in the middle of the night bout 2am so i briefly jotted a few ideas on a piece of paper in the dark and now im doing this… i hope this brings joy in these dark times!

Pairing: Kate Kane x reader

sentance inspirations : “what's stopping you now?" “can you help me with my tie?” / “can you zip up my dress?”

tags: WARNING THIS IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES! THIS STORY FEATURES LESBIAN (GIRL ON GIRL) SEX, I REPEAT DO NOT READ IF UNDER THE AGE OF 18. I MEAN IT! DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOUR UNDERAGE! YOU WILL BE VIOLATING SOME LAWS IF YOU DO! NOW DONT DO IT!

summery: not freaking telling

Masterlist

several years ago, billionaire Bruce Wayne disappeared from Gotham City, the company struggled but when Lucius Fox got murdered his nephew Luke struggled to keep Wayne techs inner lights on.

one evening Kate Kane walked into the office of CEO Bruce Wayne her cousin. she was determined to continue the legacy he had left behind in one shape or form.

she stumbled upon her cousins biggest secret, the biggest legacy he had left behind. she found the Batcave. she discovered her cousin was Batman. now she continues the shadow of the Bat. she continues to strike fear into the criminal element of Gotham City.

you had gone off the grid shortly after Bruce did, you werent sure when or if you should return but 6 years later you did, just cause you figured things would have changed and you had heard about another bat being in gotham.

you wanted to know if Bruce had returned. of course you knew your boss’ deepest darkest secret, you were his co ceo and his secretary. you had to know these things.

the penthouse you had been living in before leaving gotham hadnt changed at all. after putting your stuff down and getting somewhat settled, you decided to go and see if your workplace had changed at all, you decided to go see if anything had changed with Wayne tech.

the exterior of wayne tech hadnt changed though there were fewer lights on inside, but you swiped your key card thinking that no one else would be here that you would be able to go upstairs without anyone realizing that you were here.

kate: “someone just used a key card and entered the building.” Luke: “what do we do?” Kate: “we need to find out who they are and how they have a key card. It looks like they are coming up here. So perfect we will be questioning them in no time.”

Luke: “why would we question someone who used a key card? wait what was the key card access number?”

Kate looked at the computer again…

Kate: “4789932. why do you ask?”

Luke: “dont interrogate the person coming out of the elevator was the last person to see Bruce before he disappeared. his secretary, YN.”

you exit the elevator at that moment to see Luke and Kate in the room. Kate’s eyes lock onto yours, her gaze piercing your soul, you had forgotten that you were standing in the office of your former boss.

Luke: “you YN right?”

YN: “who are you? and how did you get in here? this is sacred space.”

Kate steps in front of luke and comes close to you.

Kate: “no need to be hostile, im Kate Kane im Bruce’s cousin. the one he didnt really mention, when he disappeared i figured i would use this place as my home away from home. plus my buddy Luke here is the son of Lucius who i believe worked closely with you and Bruce before Bruce disappeared and before Lucius passed a year ago. when my cousin disappeared did you happen to…”

you interrupted Kate, you felt bad for doing so but you knew what she was gonna ask.

YN: “no he didnt mention anything to me about where he was going, he was just being Bruce. he told me he had to leave Gotham and wasnt sure if or when he would return. i left that same day when he and i had last talked. we had our final conversation and i got on the next flight out of gotham and spent the last few years trying to cope with having lost my job, the loss of my best friend, and the loss of my life.”

Kate: “how long have you been back in Gotham?”

You had to set yourself down in a chair cause now you were feeling the vibes and memories from being back in the office.

YN: “i got back only 4 hours ago. i live in the penthouse in the gotham plaza hotel a couple blocks away. but there are a ton of cars and everything everywhere whats going on?”

Kate looked at you and then remmbered that you hadnt been back in gotham very long.

Kate: “tonight is some sort of fancy ball type thing that the rich folk are throwing in honor of the crows security team that helps the gcpd protect gotham well only those who can afford it anyway. anyway my dad wants me to make an appearance and be there and such so i was wondering if your not busy would you consider coming with me…”

you were shocked this woman this woman who you had barely known for a total of half an hour was asking you on a date… and you of course had nothing to wear.

YN: “i would love to but i have nothing to wear.”

Kate: “we can solve that… Luke im taking the night off… and whatever you do dont contact me at all. im gonna show YN just how much has changed in this city and with its people. and rememebr to pick us up at the apartment at 6:30pm.”

Kate takes you to the elevator and down to the garage. you of course realized that she had a motor bike and that was a total turn on for you.

YN: “where are we gonna find me an outfit on such short notice.”

Kate: “there is a boutique near my place we will stop there on the way to getting me ready.”

you take the helmet that she hands you, you put it on and strap your small bag cross your body, and get on behind Kate. you hold on tight as she takes off out of the garage.

the feeling coursing through your veins right then was something you hadnt felt in a long time. in about 15 minutes you both arrived at a small boutique. it was super fancy, you remmber hitting alot of those types of store when you were bruce’s secretary.

Kate: “lets find you a dress…”

you and Kate walk into the boutique and smile as you both walk in not knowing what you wanted like detail wise for a dress. but Kate spoke up fairly calm.

Kate: “can i get some help to find this lovely woman a dress for the ball tonight?”

Helen comes around the corner and stands immediately in front of you and Kate.

Helen: “such a fluent canvas, let me guess you wear mostly bright colors, but look good in almost anything, dont really care for heals but will deal with wedges, spaghetti strap, built in bra, and has to have a slit in the front for easy walking but can deal if it doesnt. how did i do?”

YN: “you got it. how did you know?”

Helen: “darlin’ ive been at this a long time plus you are very easy to read… wait a moment you remind me of.. YN?”

you had to think now… you couldnt think straight in the first place cause of Kate but now you were faced with this lady who suddenly knew your name.

YN: “im sorry you seem to have me at a disadvantage. do i know you?”

Helen: “its me Helen, i was your tailor when Mr Wayne was still here. God rest his soul.”

you now knew who she was and she hugged you welcoming you back to Gotham as she took you to the rack where she happened to have a mermaid spaghetti strap in lilac and in your size.

she pulled it off the shelf and handed it to you. you held it up to your figure and she gave it the thumbs up as she went to grab you a shawl and a handbag as well as a pair of wedges which she took a guess on the size.

kate and you went back to her apartment and she helped you get comfortable before she went to go get ready for the ball. you started to take off what you currently were wearing, and then you slid into the dress. the satin lace combo gliding across your skin.

you didnt hear Kate who wanted your help with her tie come back as you finished pulling the up but couldnt reach the zipper.

Kate: “knock knock…”

YN: “i cant reach the zipper. Can you zip up my dress?”

Kate: “only if you help me. Can you help me with my tie?”

you nod.

YN: “deal. but who goes first?”

Kate: “come closer to me and turn around so i can do up the zipper.”

you turn around and move your hair out of habit. Kate’s hands move slowly along your back to the zipper but they trace every inch of your back before grasping the zipper.

YN: “can I ask you something?”

Kate: “of course.”

Yn: “did you have any contact with Bruce before he left that would indicate where he was going or why?”

Kate: “no but my cousin was strong willed, if he wanted to do something he most certainly did everything in his power to achieve whatever he was trying to do. Ugh the zipper is stuck, do not worry I have someone who is very eager to help in any way possible but while I Call her can you do my tie?”

Just as you turn around you hear the door open, Kate turns to defensive in front of you. Mary walks through the door.

Mary: “chill out sis it’s me!”

Kate: “thank God it’s you I hope you can help. Mary this is YN, YN this is My sister Mary. Mary can you fix YN’s zipper on her dress it is stuck even I couldn’t get it.”

Mary places her purse and her coat down and comes behind you. While you trace Kate’s form grasping hold of her tie. Mary goes to take a look at your zipper, she spends longer on the zipper then you do on kates tie.

You had this weird feeling, like she had a secret, like she was trying to tell you something and you werent quite picking up the signal.

Kate had one of her hands on your waist, she had every confidence that she had found her one in you. Course she had heard her cousin mention his fantastic secretary but she didnt think you would be this gorgeous. Mary after a while exclaims.

Mary: “i have an idea… stay right there dont move…”

mary left the room for a moment this left you and kate to further ponder your thougts. kate still had her hand on your waist, this sparked something within you that you had not felt in years.

Kate: “do you have anyone special in your life?”

YN: “ive been single every day for my entire life. cause before i left bruce and i shared secrets with eachother that we soon knew would go with us to our graves. kate, im a lesbian…”

Kate smiles and is about to speak when mary comes back into the room, she goes to the back of your dress and fiddles round for a few moments before standing straight and comes back to her bag and coat.

Mary: “all done i replaced the zipper pull, you will be fine ill fully replace the zipper before that dress is needed again. now both of you should go Luke will be here any moment. and im hitching a ride so hurry up both of you and finish getting reAdy.”

Kate and you finished getting ready, the sound of a car horn sounded. this pulled you and kate out of your own admirations and into a state of lets go present to the public.

you held kates hand this sent several shivers down your spine but in a good way. kate however knew what you felt but she knew she would have to tell you her secret after tonight if everything went her way.

kate: "so i hope that this isnt too forward but how do you think people at this party will react to seeing you at the party let alone back in gotham?"

yN: "dont worry bout it ill just exclaim that im back to stop running from the past. Exclaim that I can't and I shouldn't run forever! Even if I'm still scared."

kate: "what do you have to be scared of?"

yn: "my future, the company I worked for for so long went awol after lucius God rest his soul and now I return to meet the cousin of my former boss and the son of his best friend. Geez I'm overwhelmed!"

Kates hand on your own had you finding the strength to make it through the evening! Your only thoughts were of how how you and Kate looked.

Luke got out of the car and came round to open your door so kate and you as well as mary could exit the car. The press got one look at you beside kate and had a field day.

After pushing through the crowd, making it inside the gallary you realized that the security was tighter than usual.

YN: “when did security get beefed up?”

Kate: “since my father became the leader of a security company, they are called the Crows, they became a thing after Batman disappeared. lets avoid any and all contact with him while here, he wont entirely take kindly to me having a date at this gala.”

YN: “does he know that your...”

Kate: “yes he does but he doesnt entirely approve of it. but you know what screww what he thinks. im just happy to not be suffering this event alone.”

You smiled you knew that there was a small chance that kate had feelings for you as well. there was speeches, music, silent auction and dancing. this was what you and Kate spent some of your time doing. was dancing and placing tickets into the silent auctions.

You and Kate were standing by the bar during the next few speeches, doing a few shots and having several laughs.

Kate: "have you ever kissed a girl?"

YN: "not willingly... Poison ivy got me once but batman swooped in and saved me after I sucker punched him while he was trying to save me. But I guess kissed and put under a spell by a bad girl doesn't count."

Kate: "nope but it was a good try..."

before kate had a chance to finish er sentance her name was being called, this made both you and her turn toward the voice, this also made kate immediately chug the rest of her drink.

Jacob: "kate... didnt expect to see you here tonight."

kate: "thats cause i didnt mention that i was gonna be here. as i found out a few new things today but you dont need to know as long as you do what you do we can never be a proper family. trust me being gay is the best thing to ever happen to me. I swear I'm not gonna give up who I am just to make you proud of me. If you can't accept me for who I am then how are we supposed to be a family. "

Jacob: "Kate you made your choice years ago at the Acadamy you don't need to remind me that we are not and can never be a proper family. You and your lady friend enjoy the gala."

Jacob gives you the snake eye before walking away. You turn to Kate both of you now standing alot closer before. Then it was time for someone from Wayne tech to get up and speak.

You and Kate were the only ones who were able and willing to represent the company on the stage.

Kate: "Wayne tech was started by my aunt Martha and my uncle Thomas Wayne many many years ago. Then my cousin Bruce took over when he was old enough. 6 years ago my cousin disappeared, 3 years ago lucius fox was murdered, today I stand up here with YN who worked close along side lucius and Bruce for many years before Bruce disappeared. Under her leadership and the help of lucius fox's nephew Luke we have plans to reopen Wayne tech."

YN: "citizens of Gotham, what Kate says is true we have plans to reopen Wayne tech, we hope to bring good to our city, continuing on in the steps of my former boss and business partner Bruce, may he ever be remembered as we reopen and continue the business that was the foundation to Gothams Legacy for years before and will continue to be...”

before you could finish your speech the lights in the entire building went out. you and Kate stood close.

Kate: “stay close to me, this is not supposed to happen...”

a few moments later a single spotlight on the other side of the room reveals someone standing there...

Hush: “greetings gothamites, right now some of the crows are all standing on pressure plates that will explode the building if they move. so i want the little rat who is associated with Bruce wayne to come forth and face the punishment for trying to shine that light again.”

Kate and you make your way through the shadows and around the harmless civilians to a hidden panel in the wall. stepping inside this felt very familiar feeling of security.

Kate: “we all have our demons, some of our demons hide in the shadows, for this lunatic out there im one of his demons. YN you know Bruce’s secret now im trusting you with mine.”

YN; “ what are you talking about Kate i have to go out there and stand up to that monster and prove my worth.”

Kate: “and you will have your part to play in this but so will i...”

you watch as she emerges from shadws into some low lighting dressed as a bat...”

YN: “so you took after your cousin in that respect. i am so happy that you have trusted me with this secret. thank you for that.”

Kate: “all i want you to do is go out there and keep him talking distract him long enough for luke who can hear us right now to silently and remotely disarm the pressure plates. now go, ill be along shortly. i have to go a different way.”

you leave the hole in the wall, you walk out there and throw your voice from behind the people.

YN: “who are you and what the hell do you want with me?”

Hush: “why dont you come out and face me so i can see who you are!”

You go further and a spotlight shines on you.

Hush: "well well well, let's get this party started.. Starting with a pop quiz: in Wayne tech the last project that was announced to be in development was what?"

YN: "a new secure wing at arkham asylum."

Hush: "what made the plans for this project go off the rails?"

YN: "the disappearance of Bruce Wayne and the murder of lucius fox."

Hush: "and what project are you guys gonna start on with your start up?"

Yn: "why does it matter to you you dick? You are the one that is basically holding us for hostage... Now either release the innocent people and disarm the pressure plates or the gcpd will be crawling over this place in a matter of moments."

Hush: "now now little girl, you were Bruce Wayne's pet weren't you?"

YN: "I was his assistant and best friend."

Hush: "I knew him once, but he was much different then... I for one am glad he is gone, he was an arrogant ass..."

Kate came into view a few times, helping to set up the room so the people are safe, you keep ‘hush’ busy for a few moments. before you knew it all the innocents were in a safe location.

Hush approached you rapidly and began to get all up in your grill.

Hush: “why are you not afraid of me?”

YN: “cause ive seen things in my lifetime that would scare even a man with no heart such as yourself. so do your worse cause im counting on someone saving me very soon...”

Hush comes up and starts using his fingers to trace your body. that is when Kate decided it was time to make her presence known.

Batwoman: “hey ugly, take your hands off the lady...”

Hush turns to see Batwoman who you know is actually Kate standing behind him...

Hush: “why should i you silly little bat?”

Batwman: “cause in a number of moments the pressure plates will be disarmmed, the crows will be free and you will be going to arkham. now pick on someone your own size...”

Hush turned away from you immediately before turning to batwoman he chucked knives at her while you stood there and watched.. Kate caught your eye and winked, just like bruce used to do if he wanted to pull a reverse batarang catch combo.

Kate threw the batarang and it landed in your catch then with all your strength and force your threw that batarang at the back of hush’s head and he fell straight on his face.

batwoman: “alright commander the pressure plates have been disabled, make sure this animal sees justice. ill take the lady out of the building. have a good night commmander.”

kate comes up to you and grapples both of you out of the building. kate’s father called to make sure both of you were okay. you ended up at wayne tower with kate now she still is in costume.

Kate: “what fascination did my cousin have for bookcases...”

YN: “it is just his thing, back at wayne manor he had a bookcase a piano entrance and several other things, he finally choose the bookcase to make things easy for his quick escapes.”

Kate: "do you want to see the cave?"

YN: "I haven't been down there since before Bruce left... I would love to see it back up and running."

Kate's hand on your own leading you down into the cave made you smile as the stairwell seemed to get brighter like something glowing at the end of the tunnel.

Getting to the end of the tunnel there's a path lined with flame less tea lights.

Yn: "it's beautiful... I love these tea lights!"

Kate: "I have to be honest tonight I had a hard time keeping myself from letting my heart lead my actions. In the few short hours that I've known you, I've fallen in love with you. I had Luke and Mary set this up. As well as the bed in the center."

Kate says as she starts de suiting allowing you to roam around but mid way through de suiting her eyes couldn't leave your form.

Kate: "it took everything I had for will power not to make love to you right then and there and when we were dancing it took all my will power not to kiss you while dancing."

You turned to face Kate both of you facing eachother now.

Yn: "what's stopping you now?"

Mid way through de suiting Kate allowed her instincts to take over. she left her suit half off ran to you cupped your cheeks and kissed you. this was the kiss that felt like it had happened before, but of course it hadnt but it sure as hell felt amazing literally breath taking.

after 10 minutes both of you broke the kiss breathing heavily before kate spoke in heavy raspy breaths.

Kate (breathing heavily): “this might be more sexy if you help me finish getting out of my suit.”

YN (breathing heavily): “turn around and i will...”

Kate turns around, you place small seductive kisses trailing her neck, to her shoulder, down her spine earning small soft moans of approval from Kate. your hands moved to her wait and began to slide the suit from her waist down her legs you still leaving kisses ever couple seconds.

once the suit was off Kate threw it across the table in the corner, and took you closer to the bed as she started to use her hands once more to roam over your body, feeling every inch of it.

Kate: “you are still wearing far too much clothing... turn around time for me to help you get out of what you are wearing...”

YN: “i promise you that this is probably way less than you were wearing.”

Kate: “turn around for me..”

you turned around and smiled, kates hands on the back of your dress using the make shift pully for the zipper that mary had put on to undo the dress. but Kate kissed your neck earning soft moans from you.

Kate: “dont forget we are the future of wayne tech, and united we stand..”

YN: “you are so hot, i got all throat dryed and tongue tied when i first met you. i was shell shocked... but im damn well glad you were the one in the building.”

the fabric slid off your body on its own, all kate had to do was make sure you didnt trip over the dress. tossing that with the suit you are in the caressed embrace of Kate.

Kate: “so beautiful...”

you turn around lifting Kate’s tank top off her body. her hands making quick work to slide off her shorts. both of you now scooting onto the bed, Kate was on top of you quicker than you were fully laying down.

Kate: “now this is how love is supposed to be...”

Kate grinded her way onto you, pulling off 69 and just general pleasuring sensual acts. you both were screaming and moaning in pleasure.

Kate: “you know i dont think ive had this much passion in sex in a long time.”

YN: “i know what you mean and i am perfectly content staying right here for like ever...”

kate had been using a double strap on so it pleasured you both. she hadnt puled out or really stopped moving, you both were just laying in a way that you could have a conversation.

YN: “how did i get so lucky to end up with you?”

Kate: “no idea but it was probably the same thing that brought me to you. i love you...”

You cupped her cheeks making sure your noses were touching and that was how your night of perfect bliss continued with the strap on and the vigerous sexual positions and the oral sex you received from Kate.

After several hours of that you both fell asleep cuddled together in perfect harmony. Morning soon fell, the bat computer started its morning routine, the lights were still romantic.

In those moments things seemed simple, both of you had forgotten the horrific but wonderful time at the gala the night before.

Kate and you stirred at the same time, opening your eyes only to start grinding the strap on again, not alot of moving from where you were nor from under the covers.

You were still going at it moments later when Luke and Mary began to decend into the cave. Neither you nor Kate noticed as you were too pre occupied.

The bat computer spoke suddenly.

Computer: "sir Luke and lady Mary, madame Kate and mistress YN are still rolling in the sheets, they also just woke up shall I put up the protective shield?"

Mary: "yes please so we don't have to see anything.. But there is a question I have who installed those shield and why?"

Computer: "master Wayne did for his rendezvous with miss Kyle! Whenever they would happen. "

Luke: "did my father know? About Bruce and Selena?"

Computer: "oh yes everyone eventually knew cause they got engaged in secret. To show Gotham that Selina had truly changed her spots."

Luke and Mary were shocked they didnt think that someone would happen upon anything like that in the cave... though like they were about to see the shield would reveal as though nothing was on the other side of the wall...

Luke: "did bruce leave anything indicating where he was going or why he left?"

computer: "that information is classified except to those whose code names are on the inscription."

Mary: "is it safe to go down now?"

computer: "yes go on..."

meanwhile you and Kate were still engaged in the sensual arts. passion flowing gracefully from you both. neither of you noticing the shield nor hearing the voices from luke and mary, nor realizing that there was work to be done.

about an hour later you and kate were both finally satisfied. you both threw on the robes sitting near by and smiled happily walking out from behind the shield. only to be confronted with glares from Luke and Mary...

Luke: “glad you both could finally join us... oh by the way, great idea for starting wayne tech again that is a brilliant plan...”

Mary: “where are your formal wear so i can repair that zipper and whatever else needs on it...”

YN: “its on the couch over near the shield. just dont look back there it aint pretty.”

Kate smiled cause she could only imagine what kind of horrors they would see if they looked. 

Kate: “did you find anything on that Hush character from the gala last night?”

Luke: “sadly no but i can say that whoever he is is extremely hard to place. plus there is no mention of anyone named Hush in Bruce’s files anywhere.”

YN: “so he is someone new thats okay cause i am the one that took down Poison ivy, that was one of the only missions i ever did with bruce i had my own suit and everything. Bruce taught me everything he knew. but in those moments ivy had no idea that i was the same girl she had tried to force to kill Batman. then i turned around and clipped her with a batarang to the back of the head and brought her ass to arkham. it was a glorious day. it was also the same day that Bruce told me he was leaving. or well that he was preparing too. he told me for what was coming neither of us should be in the city. so when he left i grabbed what few belongings i had and i left gotham and had been in Star City till yesterday.”

Kate went to mary who handed Kate something which peaked your curiousity, but you werent gonna pry you knew when the time was right Kate would do what her heart commanded. 

~1 and a half years later... success had been accross yours and Kates features as you both were running sucessfully 3 businesses. the reopening of wayne tech had gone smoothly. then there was the real estate firm that Kate had been running before you got to gotham as well as a nightclub. a little excessive but its a welcome reprieve with a fully stocked bar. you and Kate were happily living in your penthouse together. you had left alot of it alone due to both of you missed Bruce and wanted him to be honored.~

Kate: “YN, did you put..”

YN: “top drawer in the middle cabinet, Kate did you...”

Kate: “its in your desk in the center drawer...”

you and Kate were functional working happy couple. this was to be the night of the wayne tech gala. you both had put one on as tghe grand reopening and now its a yearly thing. to showcase everything that is in development for the people of gotham. 

Kate: “can you believe that its already been almost 2 years...”

YN: “can you believe that i never thought i would have ever been working for wayne tech again.”

kate: “can you believe that you are the most beautiful woman at this party.”

YN: “your not so bad yourself.”

Kate smiled as she came up behind you to help you do up your dress. 

Kate: “do you think bruce would be proud of what we have done and are doing?”

YN: “i think whereever he is he is very proud of us... and even better he would be honored that we took this mantle and have upheld it for the good of the Wayne family legacy.”

thats when an intruder alert sounded. it was one of the silent alarms on the wayne manor property. 

YN: “we should go as ourselves not in costume.”

Kate: “ill call Mary and Luke and have them stall for time at the gala. we will be there in plenty of time. but your right as usual.”

YN: “good thing we travel to impress.”

Kate: “we also travel combat ready... i get now why you always have slits in your dresses. lets go.”

Kate and you got onto Kates bike and drove off towards the detection. ah yes wayne manor now declared sacred land and only for family, it was unusual that someone would dare to venture onto the property. 

upon arrival at the gate you and Kate parked and got off the bike leaving your helmets and hiding the valuables in the safe installed on the bike. 

Kate: “keep your eyes open something isnt right.”

YN: “dont worry whatever it is we will make sure to handle this.”

Kate smiles and keeps you close while walking further onto the property. you remembered the last time you had been here before bruce left and disappeared. 

Kate: “see anything yet?”

YN: “not yet... wait there is a light inside...”

you start running towards the house Kate follows in suit, you start going up the steps but stop as Kate comes up behind you and grabs your hand both of you walking up those stairs together.

Kate and you each opened one of the double doors, both of you walking inside the light seemingly brighter. you could hear rustling and creeking of floors. you and Kate wanted to charge in “guns” blazing but you were in civilian form not a good idea. 

you both stop outside the door to the room, you hear a familiar voice. no it cant be... 

Kate: “whoever that is, is going to be tried for trespassing...”

except you knew that voice... you knew who it was...

YN: “dont be rash babe, i recognize the voice.”

you open the door with Kate on your heels.

YN: “talia...”

the figure turns around and remves her hood.

Talia: “its been a long time YN. how have you been?”

YN: “to be fair its been a gong show... what with having just come back to gotham last night after being in star city for the last several years.”

Talia: “i guess it has been a long long time. whose your friend?”

Kate holds her hand towards talia and stands tall beside you.

Kate: “kate kane, im Bruce’s cousin. im as of 1 and a half years ago  YN’s  girlfriend.”

Talia shakes kates hand. 

YN: “what are you doing here talia?”

Talia: “i mean no disrespect but something seemed wrong about Bruce disappearing. something felt wrong and if i can find out why it felt wrong then i can find out where Bruce disappeared to.”

YN: “keep us informed, we have an expo to get too.. we are so late...”

Kate: “if you wish there will be a ticket for you at the door Talia. it was very nice to meet you.”

Talia: “as it was to meet you Kate.”

You and Kate leave Talia to what she was doing and head back to the bike. Tears fell from your eyes thinking about Bruce and how proud he would be of both you and Kate.

Kate: "thinking about Bruce?"

YN: "I just wish he were here to see what we have accomplished. But let's get to the expo and reveal the plans for the developments that we have come up with."

Kate hands you your helmet before hse puts hers on as you both get back on the bike and head to the expo. Parking in the parking garage you make the notion that you both got dirt on your outfits.

Kate: "shit Mary is gonna kill us... She might have planned for something like this... Hold on let me..."

before kate could call Mary, mary rang Kate’s cell...

Kate: “Mary thank god its you listen YN and i had a little run in with some dirt both our outfits are no longer presentable do you have any spare outfits.”

Mary yells at luke and then speaks a moment.

mary: “meet me in the washrooms in the lobby... i will have them there shortly..”

you and Kate sneak your way through the corridors and head into the lobby washrooms. anxiously awaiting Mary’s arrival with your replacement outfits, you made sure that you kept a level head. 

Kate: “you look a little tense love...”

YN: “i wanted this night to go smoooth and now we have to do a costume change only a few short moments before we have to be on stage for the toasts. this is not how this night was supposed to go...”

Kate: “not to worry, there is still plenty of time for things to go right.”

Mary walks in a while later, you look at Kate with anticipation for the way that you were hoping this night would go was not what it seemed. 

Mary: okay whose first for their outfit change... 

Kate: just give me the outfits Mary, you and Luke need to make sure no one comes in here for a few moments while we get changed... once we are changed ill knock on the door and you and come and collect the outfits. 

Mary: that sounds do-able. just both of you hurry up people are asking for you, important people. 

you and Kate were not sure who could be out there but you both were certain that this night was gonna be a rocking good time. 

getting into your clean outfits you both realize that you both are wearing your costume colors. Kate knocks on the door once you both are presentable, mary walks in.

Mary: you both look spectacular!

Kate: ya in our costume colors what is going on?

Mary: luke developed a microchip to change anything into your costumes its like a portable solution. but these are just incase of any ruckass. which we are hoping there wont be but just in case here they are. 

Kate: what if we just want to be normal for one night?

Mary reaches into the neckline of Kates shirt and your bra line on your dress and pulls out the microchips. 

Mary: if you both change your minds i have the chips now go  you both are due for your speech in a few moments. 

you and kate go out of the washroom, arriving in the ballroom to be greeted by dignitaries and just in time to be called up on stage. politely excusing yourselves you both walk up on stage. 

Kate: whats up gotham city. thank you all so much for coming out tonight. this year so far is really big and productive for the company. i cant believe its been almost 2 years since me and YN brought wayne tech back to life. if bruce wayne were here today, to see what we have done he would be very proud of everything we are doing to keep this legacy alive. the silent auction will run all night the winner will be contacted by telephone and by email. the prizes will be availble for drop off or pick up at wayne tech. now i am gonna turn the mic over to my business partner and girlfriend YN.

YN: thanks kate, so as you all have seen around the room are some of the plans to refurbish some of the wings at arkham as well as build a secure wing for those more deadly super criminals. our goal is to create a more secure enviroment as well as give the orderlies more space for any other crazies that may pop up or have to go to arkham thanks to the donations of you Gotham we almost have the funds to start the arkham asylum expansion project. 

Kate: before we sign off for the evening i have something i would like to do. bare with me i have not put alot of thought into this but here it goes. 

Kate turns to you taking your hand in her own.

Kate: Yn you and i have taken Wayne tech and brought it back from the dust and shadows like a phoenix in rebirth but tonight as we boht stand before all of gotham i have a question for you, this night at this gala i want to know. Will you YN marry me?

she then got down on one knee and held a ring box to you open to a rose gold entwined celtic knot band with a emerald cut stone in the center. your face went pretty fast from shock to a face of happy complete utter joy. 

YN: yes!

was all you managed to squeak out.  kate placed the ring on your finger and kissed you before holding both your hands up for the press to see the gripped shot of the engagement ring. 

you were not sure what else would come out of your mouth. thats when luke stepped onto the stage with mary. both of them bringing you and kate some champagne. 

mary: waiters are coming around with champagne will you all please join me in raising a toast to YN and Kate  the best people for the right jobs at the right moments. we are honored to be in your debt. to YN and Kate. 

the toast made, the congratulations flowed in, the press all over your engagement. even the crows offered congratulations. 

~what happens now is a different story for a different time~

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[dylshoney]

when you’re ready

 requests:  maybe a shawn fic based on “when you’re ready” but you’re not the girl he sung about? and the girl shows up 10 years later and tries to get him back and you guys have been together for like 3 years and it just causes insecurities ?? does this make sense?? (love your work btw❤️)

Hellurrr! I have a request, if you will? TW Anxiety Attack Like if the female!reader has an anxiety attack because she thinks she's not good enough so Shawn helps her and holds her?

a/n: this was my first time trying to write angst (cause im usually an optimistic ass bitch) so if its bad just lie and scroll post ahahaha but i wanted to try and @superiorsoph sent this request in and i couldnt resist. im sorry i didnt follow it exactly, but i hope you like it love.

warnings: language, angst

“Stay still!”

 You hear him say for the umpteenth time, but you pretend not to hear him, twirling around in the dress, laughing and shaking your hips.

 He makes noises of disgruntlement and soon you hear the shutter of his camera go off, the flash blinding you for a few seconds, but you don’t care. You glide over to the full-length mirror on one side of the store and smile at your reflection. He was right, the dress is gorgeous.

 You push down the fabric, loving the smoothness under your fingers and twirl once more. You can see Shawn roll his eyes in the reflection, but you can see the hint of a smile threatening to peak through. He places his camera back in the casing and walks over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, leaning down to press his head on your shoulder.

 You’re both silent for a moment, just staring at the pair of you in the mirror. You hum, your head falling back into him, “I think we found the one.”

 “I told you I’d be useful,” he tuts, pinching your hip. You flinch, turning around to smack his chest, “You only just started being useful. The past hour has been torture.”

 He’s laughing, the beautiful crinkles on his face making your heart melt but you love teasing him, so you can’t give in just yet, “Trying on twenty dresses definitely wasn’t necessary.”

 “No.” He agrees, smiling down at you with a shit- eating grin. “But we had to test all out options, didn’t we?”

 You shake your head, turning back around to see yourself in the reflection, triple-checking that this was the right choice.

 “You have to delete those photos, you know?”

 “No!” He sounds almost offended. “Those are memories, there’s no way I’m getting rid of that.”

 “But I look horrid,” you pout, blinking innocently.

 “Don’t give me that face,” he shakes his head, “They’re all blurry anyway.”

 You grin victoriously, winking at him, “The music in here is just too good – I couldn’t resist.”

 He pauses for a moment, raising his finger to the ceiling, eyebrows raised. You focus on the sound of #Selfie by the Chainsmokers, your ears getting hot as you begin to nod slowly, “It has a nice rhythm?”

 He shakes his head, but you’re already dancing again – thankful that there was no one else in the store on an early Wednesday morning.

 “If you dance like that tonight, I’m going to pretend I don’t know you.”

 You ignore him, taking his large hand into yours and spinning into him, his laughter getting louder as the two of you stumble around together.

 The music changes to Troye Sivan’s Dance to This and you squeal a bit, getting overly excited as the two of your start shouting the lyrics at the top of your lungs. You can see the nice sales associate trying to contain her giggles as she pretends not to watch you, but you don’t care.

 You’re watching Shawn. Your eyes never leaving him as he throws his head back, laughing as you mess up the lyrics. His hands pull you into him, your chest hitting his as you begin doing some sort of heightened version of a slow dance. His hands are warm against you, sending a current of energy through your body.

 You’ve never smiled wider in your life, your heart clenching as he places a kiss on your forehead and you can’t believe that you’re still so in love with him after two years of being together. It’s never stopped being butterflies and sweaty palms with him – you’re body reacting to his touch like it was the first time.

 Everyone around you recognized that as well, even the sales associate as she checked out the dress a few minutes later. You two are adorable, how long have you been engaged?

 Shawn had squeezed your hand extra hard as the two of you tried to contain your giggles, explaining to her that the ring on your finger was a promise one. But Shawn made sure to add that he was hoping to fulfill that promise soon.

 You felt like you were on cloud nine, leaving the store with a flutter of butterflies in your stomach. You knew that Shawn was it for you, never once doubting that he was the person you were going to marry.

 You just didn’t expect that maybe; you weren’t it for him too.

 *

 Later that night you found yourself at yet another event with Shawn, wearing the pretty red dress and smiling widely as people approached you.

 You were happy to find that you could easily recognize and talk to many people, a stark comparison to how you were when you had just started going out with Shawn. You were more confident now, excepting that you belonged next to Shawn, that if you stood up straight and acted like you were meant to be there – people would believe it too.

 You were sipping a Shirley temple, bopping your head lightly to the beat of the song radiating through the room, talking to Lina – the daughter of a famous record producer. She was probably your closest friend related to the industry, but she was usually too busy to attend these kind of parties – so you were taking in every second you could get with her.

 “Ok look at Marsha,” Lina lifted her chin, motioning to a woman a few meters away from you, “She’s about to go talk to Roger. For the sixth time tonight.”

 “No way.” You shook your head, cringing as Marsha started making her way over to the older man again. “He’s said no to her single like a million times already.”

 “Have you heard it?”

 “No.” You paused, “Wait? Have you?!”

 She snorted, “I wish I didn’t.”

 “Come one!” You threw your head back, “I would have paid to see your reaction.”

 “I can perform some for you, if you’d like?”

 You were quick to shake your head, but she was already going.

 “If I could fly … I would never leave you dry ….”

 “Stop! Please!” You were bent over, holding your stomach as you tried to contain your laughter. She was so off pitch that you were tempted to cover your ears.

 “Maybe we could last forever ….”

 “I don’t know what sadder,” you heaved, “The song – or the fact that you know it by heart.”

 “She made me listen to it six times!”

 “That sounds like – ”

 “Excuse me.” You turned around at the sound of the voice, feeling a light touch on your shoulder. You were greeted with the sight of a beautiful blonde staring at you with a small smile.

 “Hi.” You were quick to return the grin, trying to figure out if you remembered her from somewhere. She looked oddly familiar.

 “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for Shawn?”

 You smiled, “I can go get him for you. Give me just a second.”

 “Thank you so much!”

 You found Shawn in the back, talking to someone you recognized to be very important, but his eyes lit up and he was on his feet the second he saw you.

 “Hey angel, everything okay?”

“Hey,” you nodded as he wrapped a hand around your waist pulling you to the side, “There’s someone looking for you.”

 You took his hand in yours, leading him through the mass of bodies in the space, over to where Lina and the stranger were waiting.

 “Hey!” Your tone was light as you called out to her, “Found him!”

 She turned around, an expectant look on her face before her eyes finally settled on your boyfriend.

 “Kate.” Shawn’s voice was laced with shock, a smile gracing his features as he let go of your hand and shot forward to hug her.

 You made eye contact with Julia from behind them, her light ones wide and looking at you with something you could only describe as sheer worry. You tilted your head, trying to understand what she was mouthing to you.

 “It’s been so long.” You could hear Shawn say as they pulled apart, his tone laced with something you didn’t recognize.

 “It has. You look amazing, Shawn.” Now that was something you did recognize.

 You placed a hand on Shawn’s back, his eyes wide as he turned back to look at you, almost as if he’d forgotten you were even there.

“Kate,” his eyes were back on her immediately, “This is y/n, my … girlfriend.”

 You hated the hesitation in his voice, but you didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, smiling gently at her, “It’s nice to meet you.”

 “So, how do you two know each other?” Julia stepped forward, sipping on her drink as her narrowed eyes trained on Kate.

 There was a moment of reluctance, which definitely didn’t help with your unease.

 “We go way back.” Shawn finally said, Kate, giggling in response. Your smile faded. So they went way back. That was definitely code for used to date.

 You hated the jealously that flooded through you. Your stomach clenching as your boyfriend continued to stare at the girl with an unrecognizable look.

 Everyone was silent for a moment, Shawn’s eyes not leaving Kate, something you weren’t too happy about. You were used to being the center of his attention. And you felt selfish the second those thoughts filled your mind.

 “What are you doing here?” He asked, the wide grin never leaving his face.

 She smiled for a moment until her eyes traveled over to you and the expression faded, “I uh – was hoping we could talk?”

 You didn’t like the look she was giving you, and you definitely didn’t like the sound of that. But Shawn was nodding and not even a second later he was turning to you, “I’ll be right back.”

 You didn’t respond, he didn’t give you the chance to. He was already walking away, hot on her heels.

 “What the actual fuck.”

 You didn’t know how to answer. So instead you turned over the bar, immediately ordering four shots, making Lina talk them with you.

 You had hoped that the alcohol would ease your nerves, but instead, you found yourself pacing in the bathroom, your head spinning as you tried to explain to Lina what was going on in your mind.

 She did her best to try and calm you, easing your mind that it was nothing. Shawn loved you. It didn’t matter that he was slightly tipsy. Alone. And talking to his ex.

 You trusted him with everything in you, but you didn’t trust the look in Kate’s eyes. And the look in his.

 Shawn came back a half hour later, his eyes bloodshot and begging you to leave with him. You didn’t hesitate to agree, taking his outstretched hand and following him to the car.

 You were both silent for a few moments but there was unspoken tension hanging in the air, your hands folded in your lap – trying to figure out how to phrase your words.

 “Are you going to tell me what happened?” You finally blurted, hating the way his hands tightened on the steering wheel.

 Shawn was silent for a few seconds, before he cleared his voice, “Everything’s fine. Kate just wanted to catch up.”

 You rolled your eyes but didn’t argue. “How long were you together for?”

 You could see him tense again, his shoulders tightening, “We weren’t. Almost though.”

 “What happened?”

 “I don’t know. She wasn’t ready, I guess.” His tone was clipped; sounding like he had uttered those words millions of times before. You could feel your breath catch in your throat.

 She wasn’t ready.

 You replayed those words in your head a million times before you could finally utter something else. “When was the last time you saw her?”

 Shawn could sense the uneasiness in your voice, the unfamiliar tremble as you tried to calm your breathing.

 His hand was quick to take yours, twisting it out of the clasp in your lap and holding it in his tightly, “Baby –”

 “I’m just curious – I know there’s nothing to worry about I just –” your voice was higher than normal, Shawn’s hand tightening around yours.

 But he was silent. Staring straight ahead at the stoplights. The bright red glow illuminating his impassive features.

 “There is nothing to worry about, right?” You found yourself saying.

 “Of course not.”

 Your heart was in your stomach, and you suddenly felt like there was no room in the car – no air.

 “Shawn,” you whispered, “Did something happen?”

 He swallowed again, “No.”

 You were both silent for the rest of the ride home, Shawn’s hand holding yours – the only thing stopping you from falling apart.

 The second the car parked in your driveway, you let go of him and jumped out, not waiting for him to follow – speed walking to the front door. Your hands were shaking as you tried to stick the key into the lock, your blurry eyes making it hard for you to focus.

 “Y/n – ”

 You could hear Shawn coming up behind you, but the door burst open just in time – saving you from having to look at him, “I – I have to go to the bathroom.”

 You could hear him shout something back but you were already sprinting up the stairs and into your shared room, shutting the door behind you and bolting into the bathroom.

 You were shaking, pulling your phone out and googling the one thing on your mind since the second you heard it.

 The lyrics to Shawn’s When You’re Ready showed up on screen and you tried to calm your breathing, scrolling for a moment before your tears began collecting again and you were sobbing.

 You gripped the sink, your breaths choked up as you tried to control your heart rate.

 You could feel a tightness expanding through your chest, like a weight that was pulling you down. You were on your knees before you had a chance to blink, your hands wrapped around your dress as you tried to get a grip on yourself.

 Moments passed but your breathing wasn’t picking up, you tried to blink away the tears, but they kept flowing as your shallow breaths increased.

 You stood; your head spinning at the sudden movement, making you fall back and steady yourself against the sink. A jewelry box slid off at the impact, falling and smashing on the floor.

 You flinched back at the noise, your ears registering a muffled yelling from behind your door, but you couldn’t make it out. You didn’t understand any of it, your chest heaved as you fell back onto your knees, sounding like you were chocking on air. Black spots began to cloud your vision, the room starting to spin.

 Arms wrapped around you, pulling you back into a hand chest, but your mind was too cloudy to process any of it.

 “Breathe – ” you could just make out his words, “You’re having a panic attack.”

 “I can’t I –”

 Shawn spun you into him, on his knees before you, his hands cupping your cheeks as he placed his forehead on yours. You tried to make out the golden color of his eyes but you couldn’t focus on anything but the tightness in your chest.

 “I need you to listen to me, okay?” His thumbs were lightly massaging your jaw, “You’re going to inhale for me on the count of three.”

 “1.. 2.. inhale.” You obeyed, your chest filling up with air as you shook in his grasp.

 “Now exhale,” he said, his voice shaky, “Now again.”

 “Inhale…exhale…inhale….exhale.”

 It was working, your mind slowly clearing as you focused on the sound of his voice.

 You sighed easily for the first time in a while, your eyes finally opening and meeting his tear-streaked ones.

 You pulled away from him immediately, falling back onto your butt as you crawled further away, the cold tile the least of your concerns.

 “You – you.” You heaved, trying to catch your breath, “You wrote it about her.”

He tilted his head, looking like a devastated, confused puppy, “Angel I don’t know –”

 “When you’re ready! You wrote it about her, didn’t you?”

 Shawn blinked, a single tear falling from his eye as he crawled over to you. You flinched, scooting away until your back hit the wall.

 “Y/n I –”

 “The song was written four months into our relationship.” You sniffled, wiping your nose on the sleeve of your dress, not caring about how much money you had spent this morning. Now, that seemed like a lifetime ago.

 “You had said that Teddy wrote most of it. That it was a spur of the moment thing. That none of your songs were based on anyone until you met me.”

 He was silent, tears streaking down his cheeks as he tried to catch his breath, “Baby –”

 “You were waiting for her. This entire time. Weren’t you?”

 “No!” He tried to get closer, but stopped at the expression on your face, “No! I love you, I –”

 “Cause ain't n –nobody like you. F- familiar disappointment every single time I do.” You began to recite, your hiccupping sobs making it hard to understand.

 “Y/n. Baby, please let me explain – ”

“Every single night my arms are not around you. My mind's still wrapped around you.” You shut your eyes, your entire body shaking as you wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to figure out how this was happening to you.

 “Baby, tell me when you're ready.” You opened at the sound of a choked sob coming from the other side of the room. Shawn was on the floor, his head between his hands as he sobbed, shoulders shaking.

 You were silent, trying to stop yourself from rushing over to him and holding him in your arms – something you had grown so accustomed to that now you felt like you were having an out of body experience.

 “Do you still love her?” 

That wasn’t what you had planned to say, but you needed to hear it. You needed to know if the last two years were a waste, if the ring on your finger had ever meant something to the boy you thought was going to be yours forever.

 Shawn was silent, his shoulders slumping as he threw his head back.

 “Shawn?” Your voice was sterner than it had been all day.

 “I – ” Another wrecked sob flew through him.

 You covered your mouth as you felt your chest close up again. Shaking your head, you took a deep breath – you were not about to have another panic attack right now.

 You gripped the vanity to your left, using it to pull yourself to your feet. Your mind went hazy from how fast you rose, your head already pounding from how hard you’d been crying.

 “She told you she was ready, didn’t she?”

 All Shawn could do was nod, his eyes not opening as he placed his head back in his hands – his elbows on his knees as he started crying again.

 You threw your head back, urging yourself not to cry – but nothing could stop the whimper from flying out of you, your eyes shutting again.

 Everything was silent again. For a few moments, you hoped that he would say something. That he would get to his feet and explain that everything was a misunderstanding – that he would take you in his arms and hold you, telling you that you were the one he loved. The only one he loved.

 However, things weren’t that simple. They never were with Shawn. But never before had you doubted where you stood with him.

 “I – I can’t do this.” You found yourself saying, his head snapping up – bloodshot eyes meeting yours.

 He was on his feet before you could blink, “No. Y/n – let’s talk about this, please.”

 You hesitated, before shaking your head. It was too late for talking now. You had waited for him to act and he had left you dry.

 “You need to figure yourself out before we can do that Shawn.” You spun the ring on your finger. “I can’t be with you if you’re not a hundred percent sure about me.”

 “I love you.” His voice cracked, a single tear traveling down his sculpted cheek again.

 “I love you too.” You sniffled, taking the ring off your finger – Shawn immediately flinching back, “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

 “You lied to me. You used me as a placeholder for her. You still love –”

 “I don’t. I don’t.” He was shaking, his hands coming up to fold behind his head, “It was a spur of the moment, baby – ”

 “I know you, Shawn.” You were tired, and he was delirious. You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore, and you were afraid that if you kept this up any longer – he could convince you to stay.

 “Call me when you figure everything out. And then we can talk.”

 You placed the ring on the counter, the clang of it hitting the marble making Shawn flinch again, but you didn’t let yourself get phased.

 You took one long look at him, before turning around and walking out of the bathroom – and ultimately the house.

 He didn’t call after you once.

__________________________________________________________________

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[butcanijustnot]

Dating Natasha Romanoff would include:

Tagging @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69

(If you have a character you want to see written, or you want to be tagged, PM me and I’ll add it/you to the list.)

You met her when she first joined S.H.I.E.L.D, tasked with helping her become accustomed to her new life on the right side of the law.

You ended up spending a lot of time together, helping each other with work and casually hanging out afterward.

Natasha didn’t usually trust anyone, especially having just come out of her assassin career, but she just got a good vibe off of you. You were calm and caring, but strong and brutally honest when you had to be. You did your job well and didn’t take any unnecessary shit from anyone. She just felt like you were worth her time and trust.

You had a flirty friendship, and over time you developed feelings for her, real feelings, but you never acted on them

“She’s straight.” You’d tell yourself. “And even if she wasn’t, she’d never be interested in someone like me.”

She continued to flirt, but now each long touch and strung out word burned a hole in your heart. She was something you didn’t think you could ever have, but little did you know she had the same feelings for you.

Both of you stayed in this nebulous limbo for a long time, flirting but never going anywhere, until one day you were out for drinks.  

You were both a little tipsy and in the bathroom in the club reapplying makeup. You were giggling to yourself and Natasha looked at you confused.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I love that lipstick on you.” You cooed to change the subject and shoot her a compliment. You loved the bright red lipsticks that she wore and was secretly jealous of how well she could pull them off. If only you had that confidence.

“You wanna try it?” She asked, a devilish smirk on her face.

Eh, you probably weren’t going to spend that much longer at the club anyway, you could jazz it up for the remainder of your time. “Sure!” You agreed.

Her lips crashed onto yours before you could register it and time seemed to slow right down to a standstill.

She tasted like everything you dreamt of, Scotch and lipstick and something you hadn’t tasted anywhere else that was uniquely Natasha.

She pulled away for a second and you suppressed the urge to whine at the sudden loss of contact. “Are you alright with this? I’ll stop if you’re not comfortable.” She asked.

“Please don’t stop.” You reconnected your lips with hers, full on making out this time.

Needless to say, you two hooked up that night. You promised yourself that it wouldn’t let it change the friendship you had with her, and Natasha seemed to make the same promise because your friendship remained the same after this.

Except you would sleep together every once in a blue moon. Just one major difference. Everything else was the same.

You two had this relationship for a while, friends with benefits until one-night things changed.

“Have you thought about us?” Natasha asked you as you lay in bed next to her. “About us actually…”

“Dating?” You finished for her.

“Yeah.”

“Yes. I think about it a lot actually. Why do you ask?” You questioned.

“I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been watching the other avenger pair off. Tony and Pepper are on their three-year anniversary, Steve and Sharon are a ‘thing’ now, and Clint’s just had his fourth kid. Hell, even the resident robot’s got a girlfriend!”

“Vision and Wanda are finally together!?!” You squealed. Last you heard they were relentlessly pining for one another. You didn’t know the Avengers personally but Natasha told you all the good gossip.

“Yeah, they're pretty adorable.” She took a deep breath and continued. “I want to be happy like they all are, and when I think hard about who could really make me happy…” She paused and looked over at you. “I can only ever think of you.”

Your heart almost exploded right then and there. You enveloped her in a soft hug. “Natasha Romanoff, that is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. I’m so glad I can make you as happy as you make me, and if you’ll have me, I’d be honoured to be your girlfriend.”

To be honest, your relationship didn’t change too much after you got together. You went out more together, either for coffee before work or dinner and drinks after. It was simple but you liked it.

Your relationship was never truly monogamous until you both stopped working for S.H.I.E.L.D. Both of you had jobs that involved seducing people for information and assassination, so you both had to be comfortable with the other doing so. Luckily, Natasha trusted you and you trusted her, and you were both very open and honest about what happened on missions. There were no secrets between you, why would you need to have them?

Natasha didn’t tell the other Avengers she was dating anyone until a couple of months down the track. In fact, she didn’t tell anyone for about three months. You were a little confused but didn’t question it. Then, when she finally did tell them, you immediately found out why.

“They want to meet you. All of them.” Natasha said, flopping down on the bed with a groan. “They asked me about a thousand stupid questions.”

“I’m happy to meet them, but all at once sounds pretty daunting. Plus, the questioning will make me super nervous.” You mumbled, petting her hair as she lay face down in the mattress.

“I know. I told them to wait and I’d introduce you in due time when you’re ready.” She got up and nodded.

“Thanks, babe.” You whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

Of course, it didn’t work out that way.

First, Steve and Sam ‘run into you two’ out on a morning jog. Sam maintains that it was a total accident.

It wasn’t.

They ask you some questions and you answer politely. Natasha’s a little ticked off that they’re here but doesn’t say anything, just shoots them glares when you aren’t looking. Eventually, you split up and head home, you waving goodbye and Natasha grumbling under her breath.

“I like them.” You say, catching her off-guard. “If all your friends are like that then I can’t wait to meet them.”

Next day your home and hear a knock at the door. When you open it, a short brunette kid is staring up at you. He looked at you and his eyes widened. He almost seemed shocked you had opened the door.

“Hello there. I’m Peter and I’m here to…. Check the…. Check for…. Gas! I want to check on your gas pipes! I’m in the area surveying gas pipes!!” He said, clearly lying. You recognized the name but it took you a second to place it.

“Peter? As in…. Peter Parker? The Arachnid kid?”

“It’s… It’s Spiderman. How’d you know? Did Natasha tell you? She promised not to!”

You raised your hands in surrender. “No, I put it together myself. A kid gets a Stark internship and starts hanging out with Tony Stark, and at the same time, Iron Man gets a new, smaller, younger-looking sidekick? Doesn’t take a genius, man.”

“…. I’m not his sidekick…”

“Whatever… Did Tony Stark send you here?”

“…No.”

“You’re an awful liar. Come in, I’ll teach you. I just made Hot Chocolate.”

Later that day Natasha comes home to see Peter curled up on the couch watching movies with you. He purposefully avoids her glance. She knows.

You look up at her, one arm slung around Peters' shoulders. “Nat, I better meet your friends or they’re never going to stop turning up in our life.”

So, you do, at the next huge Stark party. Despite it being a Stark party, all the attention was on you, which was a strange new experience. They seem to really like you. They approve of your influence on Natasha and firmly believe you love her, which you do.

You patch her up after fights, no matter how much she complains.

“Y/N, I’m a grown woman, I can patch my own bullet wounds.”

“I know you can but you shouldn’t have too. You’ve got a girlfriend for that.”

She lies back and grumbles. You know she’s really feeling angry at herself for getting hurt and making you worry and you’re trying to help her.

You guys have spoken about adopting a child, a little girl most likely, but have made the decision to wait until you’re both out of the dangerous jobs you’re in and can fully cater too, support and protect a child in your care.

Until then, it’s just the two of you, which is absolutely perfect.

[writsgrimmyblog]

Rec List #1 Theme: 2018 Favourites

One of my fandom resolutions is to rec more in 2019. I’m going to post rec lists for some of my favourite Nick fics divided up by theme/content/ship or whatever I fancy throughout the year. It seems fitting that my first rec post of 2019 should be my favourite Nick Fics of 2018. If you’re interested in my Harry Potter themed recs, you can find them over on my other blog @writcraft under the tag #writ recs where I’m undertaking the same initiative.

This is by no means an exhaustive list - I’m limiting myself to ten recs per list and it is very difficult, I could have recced many more. I’ve read and enjoyed a whole raft of terrific stories and this rec list is simply based on my personal tastes which may not be everybody else’s cuppa. Please heed the content warnings the author has flagged on AO3 in each case, none of my recs include the content tags.

#1. Ten Track Sophomore Album by @junkshop-disco​ 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 4,228

Nick has always lived in noise, been the cause of a lot of it, but one day a boy writes him into a pop song and the whole world dissolves into static.

It doesn’t happen like that, not that easy, not that linear, but that’s the heart of it, the soul, if these things have such a thing.

My Rec: The Nick fic of 2018 is undoubtedly the final installment of junkshop-disco’s incredible Doodle of a Surface Life but that has quite rightly garnered so many recs by now if any Gryles reader hasn’t yet indulged, run, quick, what are you waiting for? I love DOASL with all of my heart, but I’m also a sucker for angst and I wanted to highlight this equally terrific fic in my rec list. The structure of this story, in which Nick loses his ability to hear music, is so cleverly done. It’s a very skilled writer that can create an entire fic around sound and make it come alive, and junkshop-disco manages it brilliantly. The fic reads like music, even as it describes the absence of it and it’s a stunning piece of writing. If you like your Gryles contemplative and angsty with confident, lyrical prose, this is the one for you. Junkshop-disco has such a terrific way with words I highly recommend reading all the works by this author. Every single one. But when you do make sure you take a moment to stop by this beautiful story and leave it all the love it deserves.

#2. Tell Me It’s The Strongest Shape by @louandhazaf

Nick Grimshaw/Elgar Johnson/Louis Tomlinson | 73,224

Nick and Elgar have it all. They’re famous, successful, and engaged to be married—and sometimes they play with others.

When uni student Louis gets street cast by Elgar for a GQ photoshoot, he's drawn into Nick and Elgar’s complicated relationship.

They've always invited mates into their bed. It doesn’t ever mean anything. Until… it does.

My Rec: This is such a great exploration of polyamory and the complexities of open relationships, and the author took a great deal of time developing the relationships between the characters and really working on highlighting some of those difficulties. I tend to gravitate towards fanfic where I care deeply about the characters, and although Elgar seems terrific I don’t have the same fannish relationship to him as I do to Nick and Louis so I was curious to know how I would respond to this fic. Basically, the author killed it. I felt such a deep investment in Elgar, Nick and Louis throughout and everything just flew by as I was reading. It’s also really fucking hot. Like, REALLY. Brilliantly done. I loved it. 

#3. Let The Boys All Sing And The Boys All Shout For Tomorrow by @lunarrua​

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 18,429

It's February 1988. Thatcher is in power. There's a new drug sweeping through the clubbing scene. In Manchester, it's the eve of a major protest and a new musical movement. And when Nick finds Harry looking lost outside his favourite chip shop, it's the start of a weekend that will leave an indelible mark on both their lives.

My Rec: I saw the summary for this fic and actually yelled at my screen when it popped into my inbox. Gryles, set in Manchester in the 80s? Hell yes. The fic itself certainly didn’t disappoint, it’s absolutely beautiful. The author writes a well-researched, confident piece and the result is stunning. The atmosphere of the whole story is captivating and you can feel yourself transported to the heady days before the Manchester music scene shifted, the anxieties of the AIDS crisis and the fragility of the relationships formed during that period. The Harry of this fic has a transient quality which evokes the nostalgic reflection on a different time in our not so distant past. A real triumph. I loved this story with my whole heart. 

#4. Séjour by @silveredsound

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6,288

It is so quiet, which should be conducive to concentration, but Nick is bored and listless and lonely. He’s been there for two days and wants to know where the helpful lady is who’ll deliver him a gamine but takes-no-shit housekeeper who he can fall in love with without words. Words are not his friend.

“Where is my Love Actually moment?” he asks the ceramic kitchen sink as he pokes holes in the cover of one of the M&S ready meals he brought over with him.

«≠»

Nick’s got writer's block. Louis is a master of distraction.

My Rec: I’ve loved a number of stories by Silv this year and I was swinging back and forth between this and others, but there’s something about this little fic that has wormed its way into my heart and has taken hold so this is the one I’m choosing. As I said in my earlier reblog rec, this has such lush, evocative prose it perfectly captures the sense of a fleeting summer. There’s a seductive quietness to it, and a lovely unfolding of the story through snippets of tasting notes left by Louis on bottles of wine and Nick feeling a little bit lost and searching for words as he struggles with writer’s block. Two boys find one another in the warmth of a sleepy French town and it’s beautiful. Really wonderfully done.

#5. Fists & Flowers ‘Verse by @jiksax

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 1,613 (Make It Worse) and 2,322 (I’ll Do What You Like (If You Stay The Night)

He’s looking at Nick with that soft, terrible look in his eyes, the look that tells Nick the two of them are probably something.

My Rec: If anyone other than Jiksa had told me they were planning an angsty fisting fic series I would have been like umm really? But of course, it’s Jiksa, so naturally I found myself sobbing at the raw, devastating intensity of the story. Jiksa deftly weaves the intensity of the physical act itself into the emotional tumult of Harry and Nick’s relationship in a way that’s incredibly beautiful. A bold, brave, superb piece of hot, confident writing, rich with emotional complexity. Gorgeous.

#6. Constantly on the Cusp by @shiftylinguini

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6169

It’s 5 in the morning, and Nick’s got an alarm going off, an unexpected bed full of pop star, and a nation to wake up.

It’s far too fucking early for this.

My Rec: UNFFFFF. I love Shifty’s writing. Like, an obsessive amount. I was so thrilled when Shifty started writing Tomlinshaw I didn’t know quite what to do with myself. It’s actually hard to believe this was Shifty’s first Tomlinshaw, because everything about the fic felt like they have been writing them for years. Louis is sleepy, horny and pissed off, Nick is awake, horny and wondering what it all means, and together they have this scorching hot, sexy moment. Nick’s internal monologue  gives us so much insight into their relationship and the fic offers a lovely, warm, hopeful moment at the end. Fantastically written and a sexy delight from start to finish. Loved it!

#7. this cookie’s baking by @disgruntledkittenface 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles (Genderswap Femslash) | 8,148

Harry’s eyes flicker between Nick’s eyes and lips. “I just want to be your–”

“Baby,” Nick says softly, cupping Harry’s jaw, “you already are.”

Nick and Harry have a long-overdue conversation.

My Rec: This was the first genderswap Gryles fic I have read and I absolutely loved it. The relationship between Nick and Harry feels so perfectly them and there’s a lovely warmth to the whole story. It’s light and funny but also contains moments of real emotional depth and those first time explorations and the hesitancy of admitting to being something more than friends is handled in such a terrific way. It’s a gorgeous story with wonderful writing and I loved every minute of reading it.

#8. let’s make some new rules by @camiii 

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 12,743

A coffee shop, a Christmas party & a fake date to make sure no one gets laid at the end of the night.

My Rec: This was such an enjoyable read. I love camiii’s Tomlinshaw, and seeing this pop up was a wonderful surprise. Barista Louis agrees to be Nick’s fake boyfriend as he pines over an ex that definitely isn’t worth his time, and they become closer in the process. The pace of the story is wonderful, the flirting is brilliant and despite some misunderstandings and Nick’s no good ex trying to fuck things up, the ending is warm and hopeful. A lovely story, full of festive cheer. Thoroughly enjoyable.

#9. I’ll be seeing you by @daretomarvel​ / renlyne

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 11,481

It’s 2028, and Nick’s bought a house.

My Rec: I love Ren’s writing and this Notebook inspired Gryles is a beautiful treat of a story, in which Nick starts buying little bits for his dream house. It’s hard to believe this story is just over 11,000 words because the world the author creates is so rich, detailed, layered and complex. The relationship between Nick and Harry has all of these gorgeous details and nuggets of history as it grows and develops, seedling-like, into something that might just be everything they’ve both been searching for. It’s a warm, hopeful, beautiful story but as it’s Ren, it manages to still tug at the heartstrings in the best kind of way. I read this again as I was putting my rec list together and did so with a lump in my throat, full of feels for the Nick and Harry of Ren’s universe. Gorgeous writing with bags of emotional intensity. I loved it.

#10. All I’ve ever had are love songs by @candybarrnerd / icarusinflight

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 21,688

Things are finally coming together for Nick.

Nick is the DJ of his uni's radio stations, and he passively aggressively dedicates a song to Louis.

My Rec: Icarusinflight is another author who was already on my periphery from Harry Potter fandom who wrote their first Tomlinshaw fic this year and I was so thrilled to see them writing in this fandom and I’m very excited about their upcoming 2019 projects which also includes fics featuring the 1D boys in various ship combos. I love uni AUs and I hadn't read one for a while, so this was such a treat. I loved how Louis is sharp, sassy and confident but with niggling insecurities. Harry was so affectionately humorous in this story and Nick’s voice is wonderful. This is a really well-paced, enjoyable story with a hot af first kiss that deserves a mention all of its own. The music references, the tea and the cameos from various 1D members are all terrific and the writing is brilliant. Can’t wait for more from this author this year.

Bonus Rec: I was meant to limit this to just 10 recs but I also wanted to give a quick shout out to @nightwideopen. I’ve said this in previous rec lists before, but I am constantly impressed by the quality of @nightwideopen‘s writing and the way they explore things such as asexuality and gender dysphoria which can be harder to find in a relatively small fandom. I’d particularly rec so far (it’s alright) and i’ve been thinking lots about your mouth from this year, both Tomlinshaw.

[peakytoms]

forgiveness~ tommy shelby

A/N: would you still be surprised if i said this was mostly smut. smut smut smutty smut smut, with just a hint of plot (just a hint since im a smut slut through and through). And i aint even the slightest bit ashamed. This lil piece (lel) features the great dommy tommy and if you got a dommy daddy fantasy then THIS ONE IS FOR YOUUU.

If you like (which i hope you doooo since i know i did) please lemme know, if you didnt....let me know that too but BE NICE THIS IS A RESPECTFUL FUCKING NEIGHBOURHOOD AND IM STILL SENSITIVE YA KNO?

Word Count: 6003!!!! 6003 words of mostly smut AND YES I KNOW ITS PROBABLY HELLA EXTRA @ nonnie SO DONT READ IF IT YOU DONT LIKE LONG AF SMUT PIECES (also who have noticed that my pieces get sunstantially longer and longer everydamn time i post?)

ENJOY!

It wasn’t unusual for Tommy to leave the city without telling you.  Just as it wasn’t unusual that when he did, you would swear to the high heavens that you were finished with him and his antics.  You knew that Thomas Shelby was not the most open man, but you thought maybe, maybe he would have the decency to keep you informed in what was going on in his life.  After all, you were in his life, and when you were with him, he made you feel like you were a big part of it.

It was four days later when you heard he returned.  The bastard probably too preoccupied with work to bother coming to tell you himself. You didn’t want to care that he was back.  The man never bothered to think of you so why should you think of him. You didn’t want to care. But you did. Because no matter how insignificant he treated you 90% of the time, the 10% he did spend with you were the greatest times of your life. Never having felt as special as you did when you were wrapped in his arms.

You thought again to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe it was some really urgent business, maybe he was kidnapped, held hostage.  Maybe he was involved in a fight and lost his consciousness and his memory.  You waited all day for Tommy to find you and give you an explanation.  You waited and waited and he never came.

You were done with waiting.

The march toward Watery Lane did nothing to wane your anger or feelings of hurt. If anything your already strong emotions increased along the journey. You paused just outside the door to the Shelby residence trying to collect your thoughts so as not to forget any of the reasons you hated Tommy Shelby. With your head held high you pounded confidently and loudly on the door. It was only a few minutes before you could hear the tell-tale Tommy Shelby footprints descending the stairs from behind the frame. He was smiling as he opened the door, already knowing it would be you. However, the smile quickly fell from his lips after you marched straight inside the house without so much as a glance in his direction.

You made your way over to the living area, suddenly hit with a wave of nerves, no longer sure that you should be poking and aggravating the feared lion that is Thomas Shelby.

Feelings which quickly passed when you heard him clear his throat in annoyance.

“Have you not got anything to say?” You speak, trying to hold as much conviction as you can in your words, cursing yourself as your words cracked near the end.  

In the brief hesitation of his silence you turn around to look at him. Shocked and hurt you watch him reach into his jacket pockets for his cigarettes and his matches, slowly inhaling the smoke and exhaling as if he had all the time in the world. As if your time meant nothing to him.

As if you meant nothing to him.

“You were gone four days Tommy? What? It didn't occur to you that maybe I would care to know where you were going? That you were going?,” you hurry the words out feeling your emotions starting to get the better of you. “What were you doing Tommy? Did it have something to do with Sabini?”

“It was business YN. And my business is not your concern.” He replied in a bored tone, taking another small inhale from his cigarette and letting the smoke slowly carry itself out of his mouth. His stupid and beautiful and irritating mouth.

“Not my concern,”  you scoffed in disbelief. “Yes, well... what exactly can I be concerned about Tommy?  I’m not allowed to know where you are half the time, not allowed to know who you do business with, I can't know what your business even is involved with! I can't know when you'll be around, if you'll be around… It seems that the only time I’m allowed to be concerned about anything to do with Thomas fucking Shelby is when he wants something warm to stick his cock into!  You want a whore Tommy? You can find somebody else!” You scream out, surprised that  despite the broken feeling you feel in your heart over what you just said your voice held strong.

“What the fuck did you just say?” He whispers back menacingly, finally making eye contact with you from across the room. “This is who I am YN! You knew that when you got with me. My business is my business, not yours. Coming here demanding what- that I tell you everything? Kicking off at me for BEING THE MAN YOU KNEW I WAS! You think I haven't got enough on?! Eh? Is that it? You think I haven't got enough on?! I’ve got my brother, the Italians, the Jews, the Irish, fuckin Inspector Campbell breathing down my neck, and what? Eh? You think I have the time to deal with all this? You want a fight, pick it with someone else, I dont have the time for your childish games.”

“Well don't worry Tommy, there's no need to deal with this anymore,” you said as you emphasized the space between the two of you with the wave of your hand.  His eyes held yours, and as he slowly registered the meaning of your words they darkened with something that was different than anger, but undetectable all the same.

“Oh what?” he countered, his words and eyes hard as ice, “you gonna walk out that door?”

“Yeah Tommy. I’m gonna walk out that door,” you bit back, trying to hold your own under his intimidating glare.

“You are not fucking walking out that door Y/N.” His voice was a warning. Calm yet threatening. The aggression that was laced in his tone tantalizing, sending shivers racing down your spine to between the heating core between your legs.

“You gonna stop me Tommy?” you scoffed out with a laugh. Your eyes testing his.

“Oh I don't need to stop you princess. You're not walking out that door.” The manner with which he spoke was detached from any emotion, his voice as placid as ever, he face clear of any discerning expression. He kept his eyes on yours as he fished out another cigarette, lighting it up and inhaling it twice before he made any further move to speak. He held you there, frozen, as you waited for what was coming next. Knowing from the clench in his jaw, and the way he was fiddling with his cigarette that it would be a long night.  He began to make his way over to you from across the room, walking slowly with the purpose to put you on edge...an effort at which he succeeded. “No...you see, you didnt need to come here tonight, but here you are. You wanted to come, and I’m willing to bet, that’s not the only thing you wanted by coming here,” he said slowly, each step bringing him closer and closer to you, forcing you back into the wall behind you. “Tell me why you came here tonight Y/N.”

Being in such close proximity to him was paralyzing. His scent overwhelming your senses, his steady breath fanning down across your face. Your mind became hazy as you tried to remember why and how you have ever been mad at him. His eyes mesmerizing any rational thought from your mind.

“I didn't come here to tell you any else than ‘fuck you’,” you dared, keeping your voice firm and chin high as you looked him square in the eye.

“Fuck me eh? Well...you could have just asked sweetheart. I would have been happy to oblige,” his lips quirked into a smile. A stupid and beautiful smile on his stupid and beautiful face.  You wanted to scream looking at him—so beautiful and stupid.

“You know that’s not what I meant Tommy. God, I mean, you don't ever listen to me!”

“Oh I’m listening sweetheart. And you know? You almost had me. I almost believed you—coming in ‘ere, guns blazing, screaming at me for what? Not giving you enough...attention? That’s what you need right? Need daddy to give his princess some more attention? Hm?”

“Fuck you,” you spat out. The tone in your voice may have implied one thing, but the way that your back arched into him as he brought his face down to yours said another. Tommy kissed you with a hunger that could never be satiated, his mouth devouring your every exhale, his air the only one your could breathe. When he pulled away moments later he left you gasping, fighting against your lungs need for breath when you were desperate for more of him. You watched in confusion as Tommy took a small step away from you, his hands finding his cigarettes in his pockets and fishing another one out. He watched you under squinted eyes as he lit up and sucked back on the stick, purposely making your squirm under the intensity of his gaze. You could hear the embers of his cigarette burn with each inhale that he took, the smoke billowing out and fogging your vision along with your other senses.

“Oh how you frustrate me princess,” he began, sucking in his teeth as he spoke. His lips quirking back into that infamous small smirk of his as a hint of a chuckle escaped past his throat. “I am… I am a reasonable man. And I want to make sure that you are satisfied... that your needs are well-taken care of. I have treated you well, and yet, despite this, you flip me off—you disrespected me. Am I just supposed to give you what you want? Reward this poor behaviour you’ve exhibited this evening?”

You knew he wanted an answer. Knew that it would make for an easier night if you just opened your mouth and told him what he wanted to hear. But you were frozen. Held captive by the ice in his eyes as he looked at you expectantly. Bringing his hand back up to his lips, he took a slow drag as he waited, his eyebrows raising along with his impatience. Tommy reached his breaking point sooner than you expected, his free hand grabbing hold of your shoulder, pinning you against the wall on your stomach before reaching for your neck and squeezing lightly. The aggressive way he handled you frightened you just as much as it aroused you.

“You really think it’s a good idea to continue to test me? Do you not think you’ve gotten yourself in enough trouble today my little one? I expect an answer.”

His fingers loosened his grip as he waited for you so speak. You could feel him hardening underneath your ass, his hips pressing firmly against you to keep you in place. The delicious sensation of it all making it difficult for you to suppress the smile threatening to fall on your lips.

“I’m sorry daddy,” you whined, grinding your ass deeper into his hips, your body in wanton need of his. “I didn't mean to make you mad, I just–you were gone for so long, and I– well– I missed you. Missed the way you feel… please forgive me daddy.” Your voice was sincere as you continued to speak, hoping that Tommy would take some pity at the thought of how you struggled in his absence.

“Hmm… you poor little bird. I’m sorry to hear that, though you should know there are better ways of asking for my attention. Ones that don’t involve disrespecting me.”

“I know daddy, but this way was much faster. And...well… effective.”

The haughty laugh that escaped his lips made your lower lips quiver licentiously, the heat in your core burning with white light from the anticipation of what was to come. Tommy moved his body so he was level with your own, his mouth biting down into the space where your shoulder and neck meet, sucking back the skin with his lips. Making sure to leave his mark.

“Well princess, you’ve certainly got my attention,” he murmured deeply into your reddening skin. Tommy dragged his teeth along the line of your neck up to your jaw, kissing and sucking his way up to your lips. With your bottom lip between his teeth, one of his hands found your ass— a harsh slap raining down on your cheek. “Careful what you wish for little bird. Upstairs. Now.”

Tommy pressed hard against your ass for a second more before stepping back to allow you to move, wanting you upstairs as quickly as possible. As you turned to look back at him, his stare alone was worth any number of the punishments he was conjuring up behind his cold and hard expression. Your feet ran up the stairs without any further instruction, the anticipation over what was to come something that was tangibly evident between your heated legs. At the sound of his heavy footsteps behind you, you turned around, smiling devilishly coy at him as you walked up the stairs backwards, tripping a few times which earned you a few small smirks and chuckles from his lips. He caught up to you rather quickly, his strong arms enveloping you with ease as he hoisted you up over his shoulder. You squealed with glee at his exuberance as he threw you onto the grand bed that was in his room. Tommy sauntered over across the room, resting his body against his wardrobe as he waited for you to undress, a command which he gave with just a look in his eye in lieu of actual words.

Your hands made quick work of your dress buttons, knowing that teasing him would not be in your favour tonight... no matter how fun it would be. Tommy turned away from you for a moment, placing a record in the gramophone to let some soft music fill the room. You halted you movements in confusion, unsure of where he was going with this. Tommy was not so much of a music man— the gramophone in his room present only to humour you on the days he had kept you alone in his house while he went to work. Your eyebrow was quirked up curiously when he turned around to face you once more.

“I want to watch you princess. I want to watch you dance for me.”

You looked back at him in shock, the request that he made so far deviated from any of his usual ones. Even though he purchased and kept the gramophone for your use, Tommy has never seen you danced, never seemed to show any interest for that matter. A sly grin forming on his lips as he walked toward the bar he kept in the corner and poured himself a healthy glass of whisky in his glass. He moved to hand the glass over to you, gifting you his offering.

“Some liquid courage little bird?” he teased, his eyes growing dark as your hands slipped around his to grab the glass.

You licked your lips before downing the drink without a second thought, desperate for some more to further ease your inhibitions.

“Can I have another daddy? Please?” you asked, your voice small and sweet.

Tommy nodded curtly as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Walking slowly over to his private bar, you poured yourself another liberal shot and tipped it back your throat in one smooth motion. Despite how long you have known Tommy, you never really got used to the taste of whiskey—finding the taste much to astringent for your own liking. You refilled his glass once more for him before walking back over to the bed.  He retook possession of the glass and settled in on the sheets, leaning back on his elbows and tilting his head for you to continue with his demand.

“Go on little birdy, start dancing.”

Willing the alcohol to work its magic, you closed your eyes and breathed in deeply. You felt like the room was spinning, though we're not sure if it was because of the alcohol or the embarrassment from the task at hand. Your hips started to sway side to side as soon as he cleared his throat in annoyance, obviously having grown impatient with your stalling.

Raising your arms above your head you turned your back to him, twisting your waist as you swayed your ass in his view. You could hear Tommy maneuver behind you, and as you craned your neck over your shoulder, you watched as he licked his lips and palmed himself through his trousers. His eyes clouded with lust, his mouth practically drooling.

“Take off the rest of your clothes darling, but keep dancing,” he muttered out absentmindedly, most of his attention focused on his throbbing cock that he was palming with his right hand while he tried to loosen his shirt collar and buttons with his left.

With the rest of the buttons on your dress undone, you shrugged the fabric off from your shoulders, allowing it to billow around your ankles before stepping out. Untying your brassiere and shimmying out of your knickers, you threw your intimates to where Tommy was on the bed, eliciting a low growl which turned to a chuckle to escape from his mouth. You watched as he grabbed hold of your panties, his fingers tracing along the lacy edges, inspecting the evidence of your desire you left on them.

He commanded you to touch yourself, his eyes widening with amusement at the sight of how your cheeks blushed red. You could feel the wetness seeping out through your legs as you cupped and massaged your own breasts. Where once you felt nothing but embarrassment, you now felt erotic and sensual, the hungry look in Tommy’s eyes spurring you on further.

“Would you care to join me daddy?” you asked, trailing your fingers down to where you needed them most.

His eyes drank you in but he made no move to get up or join you. You continued your frilly dance as you waited, turning back around away from him as he seemed to contemplate his next move.

“C’mere,” he commanded, his voice sounding as strong as ever. “On your knees.”

Blushing a deeper shade of red now, you sunk to your knees and crawled on your hands towards Tommy, swaying your ass slowly from side to side as he looked on ravenously. He removed his right hand from his groin and took off his shirt, letting his suspenders hang off the side of his waist before he moved to unbuckle his pants.

When his cock was pulled, you found he was already leaking, the tip red and beading with his pearlescent precome. You mouth opened as you reached him, the need to have him between your lips completely overwhelming. Tommy collected his desire with the tip of his thumb and leaned forward on the bed to slip his thumb on your tongue. You sucked on him ravenously, swirling your tongue around the tip of his thumb as if it were his cock. With his other hand, Tommy finished off his untouched glass of whiskey, discarding the emptied tumbler on the floor so he could harshly grab hold of your hair.

“I shouldn't even let you touch me after the way you behaved this evening. I should be teaching you a lesson, but christ Y/N, that mouth is just begging for it isn’t it? And you need this don’t you little one. Need daddy to give you some extra attention eh?” His voice and expression looked sweet and loving, his eyes and lips crinkling into a smile as he indulged you.

Nodding enthusiastically, you hummed around his thumb, Tommy swirling his digit around in your mouth as you did.

Pulling his thumb out with a wet pop, you spoke. “Please daddy. Please let me–.”

“Best get to work little girl, before I change my mind.”

Leaning forward, you took his hot cock into your mouth, humming with assent at the slick feel of his velvet skin against your tongue. As your mouth closed around him, you could hear his breath hitch aggressively, his teeth holding back the guttural groan threatening to escape. Leaning back on his left forearm, his right hand fell behind your head, guiding you however he wanted by the roots of your hair. Your own hands rested on top of his thighs, trying to push back as Tommy forced you to take him deeper.

“You will not fight me little bird. You asked for this remember? Don’t be ungrateful now.” His grasp was painful as he pulled on your roots, ramming the back of your head onto him again and again. You tried your best to relax your throat, to focus on your breathing, but Tommy’s ferocity gave little leeway for any of that. He wanted your mouth, and Tommy was a man who always gets what he wants.

Tears were filling your eyes as you looked up at him, humming a few grunts to get his attention back on you. As his eyes met yours, he loosened his grip slightly, allowing you a brief respite. Emboldened with the ferocity of your passion, you took your mouth off of Tommy, blowing cool air onto the wet mess you left behind. Tommy groaned out a frustrated laugh, his lips forming a grin that flooded warmth straight between your legs. You took him back in, gliding your tongue up and over his veined shaft before he did so. His hands find their way back to your hair, pushing you down once more with no time for adjustment. You throat began to burn as he shoved himself further in. Moans of desperation building but no room to escape.

“That’s it sweetheart, take it all like a good little girl. I bet you’re feeling extra special right now aren’t you?” he teased, his voice raspy and deep and delicious.

At the pace he was setting, it wasn't long before you could feel his muscles twitch under your tongue. His grunts coming out quickly as he fell down back on the bed, knowing you to be more than capable of finishing him off.

You felt it before you tasted him. The warm liquid spurting to the back of your throat in gushing bursts, the overflow oozing wetly against your tongue. Tommy strained to look at you, his orgasm prolonging as he looked at you with his come frothing around the sides of your mouth. Swallowing him back, you revelled in his taste against you tongue, making sure of lick up every last drop as it continued to spill from his tip.

“Thats it my girl...clean up the mess you made. Good girl.” Tommy moaned out, his voice still heavy and breathy from his recent undoing.

Licking up the sides of his veined manhood, you decided to take a risk, helpless against your own ego and wanting to tile him up yet again. Baring your teeth with a teasing smile, you grazed them lightly against his veined and aching skin. Tommy lurched forward, grabbing hold of your face harshly with his deft fingers. His eyes looked wild when they met yours, his own teeth dazzling bright against the animalistic smile he was wearing. An arrogant laugh came up from his throat as he pulled out of your mouth and slapped you across the face. The impact was not exactly hard, but it wasn't exactly soft either. Tommy knew what he was doing. He wanted you to feel him, to be reminded of his strength, his power, his dominion. He wanted to make you think twice about going against him again. But as you began to laugh in his face— taunting him— he knew you didn’t quite get the memo.

“Watch yourself little girl,” he warned, his voice as icy as his eyes.

“Make me,” you countered back, garnering another slap across your cheek, his hand exhibited far more strength this time than the last.

“Christ...you missed me that bad huh? You know, if you want something princess, you need to ask for it, I am a rather busy man.”

“Am I being bad daddy? Maybe you need to... punish me?” you said coquettishly, hoping that would be enough.

Another slap. This one hard enough to move your face even though his other hand holding your chin firmly in place.

Tightening his left hand even more around your jaw, his brings his head in closer, forcing you back up straight on your knees.

“I said you had to ask for it sweetheart. Now tell me... what is it that you want?”

Shivers ran down your spine as you looked at him, pooling the warmth of your desire down your core. With his hand still tight around your chin, his thumb traced the line of your bottom lip. Granting him access you pulled in his digit, holding his thumb between your teeth as you sucked. You pulled him out with a pop, kissing the tip of his thumb between sentences.

“You. I want you. And this hand.... And I want marks all over my body to remind me of you in case you leave me again. I want to be yours daddy. I want you to make me yours. Please sir.”

“Ask and you shall receive princess. C’mon, get up, lay down on the bed and let daddy take care of you eh?”

Giggling enthusiastically, you grabbed on to Tommy’s outstretched hands as he helped you stand and kept you stable on your stiffened legs and joints. Tommy moved you against the edge of the bed, laying you down on the stomach and spreading your legs apart with his foot, shifting your hips upwards with his hands to force your ass in the air.

“Count them out for me little bird,” he said before bringing his hand down on your bare backside, the sting of the impact instinctually tensing your muscles.

“One,” you moaned out, trying your best to wiggle your hips to bring some friction on you aching cunt.

When his hand came down again on the opposite cheek, you groaned out from the pain, each subsequent slap being counted out through gritted teeth.

“Nine–oh god...nineteen. Please daddy,” you begged, trying to find the strength of move one of your hands under your stomach between your legs, stopping when you felt his gentle caress trace over the reddening bruises on your arse.

“Yes my little bird?” he asked back, the smile audible in his voice.

“Help me daddy–please.” Given the position you found yourself in, you had no qualms over the shameful way you begged for him. You couldn't be bothered to think of what you must look like, sound like— not now. Not when you needed him as desperately as you did. All you could think about was the budding fiery sensation building aggressively in your core and nothing else. You needed him, and you didn’t care what you had to do to get him.

One more slap rang down on your skin, forcing a choking gasp out from your throat as you struggled for breath. Before you could count off this one, Tommy forced two fingers into your sopping cunt, thumbing your clit with small circles. With his other hand he held you down, stopping any chance you had of pushing back on his fingers to bring him deeper. When Tommy removed his fingers so soon after shoving them in, you cried out actual tears, struggling against his strong hand on your back as you tried to grab on to him.

Your mumbled moans became muffled as Tommy brought his two fingers to your lips. You sucked them back eagerly, mewling against him as your tongue swirled against him. When he took his fingers back, he replaced them with his lips, kissing you passionately and biting down on your bottom lip.

“Oh how I love you my sweet little bird. Always so good for me...So receptive. I’m sorry for not giving you the attention you deserve princess, but let me right that wrong now eh? Does that sound good angel”

“Oh God, yes daddy–ye–yes it does.,” you moaned out in a breathless whisper, too preoccupied by the thought of his cock deep inside of you to register the words ‘I love you’.

From the corner of your eye you watched him stroke himself with one hand while stroking your back with the other. Tingles radiating from his fingers where they connected with your skin, making your back arch up to meet his touch. You wiggled your hips eagerly, a desperate groan rolling off your tongue as you heard and watched Tommy spit onto his cock. He held himself against your entrance for a few excruciating moments— ever the tease that man.

“Is this what you want little bird? Hmm? Is this what you’ve been waiting for ever since I’ve been away? My cock here inside of you? For me to fuck you?”

He slowly began pushing in, exhibiting impressive control considering how easy it would have been to just slide right in to your sopping cunt.

“Yes! God daddy please, please let me feel you. I want to feel all of you please!” you cried out loudly, your breaths coming out in short, hard pants— you were a bitch in heat.

“Oh you’ll feel me sweetheart. You’ll feel me tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next day. You won’t be able to spend a second this next week without feeling me…”

Trailing off, he pushed in, sinking deeply into you with a guttural groan. Tommy wasted no time as he began pounding into you from behind, his balls slapping against you ass from his vigor. Even though you were laying down on your stomach, the ferocity with which he fucked you sent you bouncing on the plush mattress. Hands gripping tightly around his expensive bed sheets, you tried to push back against him. Needing him deeper— harder. Needing everything he had in every single way he could give it.

Tommy was grunting loudly behind you, digging his hands into the skin of your hips hard enough to bruise you even more, his fingernails leaving large half-moons all over your waist. He knew you were close, hell he knew you were close long before he was even inside of you. Your body tensed up from the minute you walked through his door, desperate and yearning for some relief.

One of his large hands moved across your back as your upper body started writhing beneath him. Bending slightly on his knees, Tommy changed the angle of his thrusts— gasping audibly out at how your body clenched around him as a response. Your screams were filling the room as Tommy kept hitting you from behind, the sounds bouncing on the walls as you came around him. The violent pulses of your orgasm roaring through your body to every single one of your nerve endings. Tommy did not let up, his thrusts never waning even as you clenched and yelped around him.

You were struggling with your arms behind you to touch him, to feel him in some way to ground yourself back down to him. With your hand splaying wildly behind your back above you, Tommy grabbed one. Using his grip on your hand, he flipped you over, sliding out of you far more easily than he slid in. Tommy held you tight against his chiseled chest, quickly finding his way back into your cunt and resuming his pace. With one hand holding your weakened body, he used his other to hold your face up to look at his, demanding that you kept your eyes on his as he fucked you.

Despite his previous confession, there seemed to be no love in the way that Tommy claimed your body with his. His darkened pupils bared no affectionate glow toward you but only a possessive dominance. He fucked you like you were his toy, one of his dolls, but it didn’t matter, so long as you were his.

“Oh god daddy…,” you moaned out. A soft exhale that was but a whisper in his dimmed bedroom. A pledge of submission that echoed loudly off the walls, reverberating back to his ears and to his cock.

Tommy moved to kiss you, his lips hard and rough against yours as his rhythm became more erratic, his legs starting to shake under him. He took everything you had to offer him— your breath, your moans, your tears, which had begun to spill from your eyes from both the exertion and the delicious painful pleasure you were experiencing this moment. Pulling away from your gruffly, he brought his hand back down on your face— the unexpected slap dragging your attention back onto him from the transfixed haze you were falling in.

“Look at me princess. I want you to watch my face as I come inside of you. Keep them open sweetheart,” Tommy said through strained grunts, trying his best to stave off his own undoing as he waited for you. His free hand grabbed hold of one of yours, pushing it down to where your bodies met, knowing even in your blissed-out stupor your primal instincts for pleasure would take over.

Without seemingly any conscious effort, you started manipulating the hot bud at the apex of your thighs, bringing you closer and closer to the edge of another orgasm. Tommy was practically drooling as he watched. His eyes shifting down from your own to the spot your bodies met— watching you as you desperately pinched and rubbed against your swollen clit, your body practically limp and lifeless were it not for his arms holding you up.

The warm pool inside your core suddenly became a flash flood as Tommy wrapped your legs around his waist, granting himself access to drive even further into your body. He held you tightly as you convulsed around him, his eyes wild as they forced and maintained contact with your own. Frantically thrusting into you, Tommy suddenly stilled, milking around her walls. Despite how high you were, you were still able to savour the feeling of his warm seed jolting within you, still able to notice and feel the way his body twitched inside you as he came.

“Christ girl, fuckin’ hell,” he groaned out.

Tommy fell forwards on top of you, your spent bodies collapsing down on the edge of the bed. His teeth bit down on your shoulder as he finished coming inside of you, grunts quietly subsiding as soon as he kissed his way up to your lips.

“You're mine Y/N. All mine,” he murmured gently into your lips, his body still attached to your own. “And I’ll make sure you never question that again my sweet girl. Daddy’ll always take care of you.”

“Hmm, thank you sir. ’m sorry for before, I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did... forgive me daddy?”

“Nothin’ to forgive you for girl, I should be the one apologizing. I took you for granted. But I’m going to make up for it now sweetheart...if you’ll let me.”

“I don't think I can go again daddy…” you trailed off, your voice coy as can be. Your hands finding his hair and gently massaging his scalp with your nails.

“Oh yes you can my girl, you can't deny a man seeking forgiveness can you?. Plus my tongue has missed you, am I’m fairly confident you’ve missed it as well.”

“Well I guess if you put it like that…”

Using what strength you had left, you tried to push his head down, meeting resistance from his much stronger body.

“Give me a minute little bird. You've worn me out just then. I’ll start my atonement soon don’t you worry”

Tagged: @prettieparker86 (if you want to be tagged just lemme know and I’ll try my best to remember!)

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

What Does Being An Idol Got To Do With It?! (Jungkook x You ONESHOT)

MASTERLIST

A/N: I am currenbtly busy working on the amazing requests that I’ve been receiving . So for now  Im just gonna post this fic that I have written a few months back.I feel like this is just trash :( I dont know what I’m doing. Forgive me 😭

Summary: “I’m not just an idol Y/N. I am also just a man. A man who’s desperately in love with you,”

Jeon Jungkook has just been slapped across the face.

Hard.

At a fan meeting.

By a fan.

And the said fan is looking at him, eyes wide as saucers, mouth hanging open. Jungkook held his left cheek, still red and stinging from the hard slap. The whole auditorium turns quiet. Even the other members are shocked by what had just happened. They have been doing this for six years and this is the first time any one of them have ever been slapped by a fan.

“Oh. My. God,” you stuttered. “I..I…I am so sorry. I..I.. saw a bee and it almost stings your face and I just wanted to hit it away and I totally forgot about your face and I…I… I’m sorry Jingkook,” you keep on rambling non stop. Panic is overwhelming your senses.

“It’s Jungkook. With a U,” Jungkook calmly replied back, his mouth is starting to turn upwards into a smile.  You slapped a hand on your forehead. Shit, you slapped the boy and you cant even pronounce his name right.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

You hide your face behind your hair, highly aware of all the other fans shooting daggers at you. If looks could kill, you would be dead a million time over. This is exactly why you shouldnt have gone to a fan meeting at this age.

Jungkook wanted to say its okay but before he can say anything, a girl besides you, who is in front of Taehyung, and who Jungkook assumed is your friend, pulled you by your collar and dragged you away, hissing in your ear. You look at Jungkook one last time, sending him an apologetic look and without realizing it, Jungkook smile to himself.

/////

“Oh My God Y/N! I cant believe you did that!” your friend hissed in anger after she dragged you out from the auditorium. “You slapped Jungkook across the face! The Jeon Jungkook! God, you are going to be hated by ARMYs worldwide now,”

You hung your head low. You know you screwed up and there is nothing you can say to make you friend hate you less right now.

“And to top it off, you call him Jingkook?! Who in the world went to a BTS fanmeet and calls the golden maknae Jingkook?!” your friend screamed at you.

“Well… to be fair, you know I dont know them that well and I told you, multiple times, I might add, that I dont want to go but you dragged me here anyway!” you huffed. Its true. Being almost 8 years older than what your friend called the golden maknae, you are no longer interested in drooling over all these celebrities like some teenage fangirls. Especially idols.

Your friend rubbed her temples. “Yeah, and that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Remind me to not ever take you to any show ever again!”

You smile and linked arms with her. You know she’s mad, because unlike you, your friend is still in her fangirl phase, despite being the same age as you and she’s been looking forward to meet her favorite idols for months now. Its okay though because you know she loves you too much to be able to stay mad at you for a long time.

“I’ll treat you to dinner and ice cream okay? The event is finishing anyway. This way we wont be stuck in the parking lot, crammed with everyone trying to get home at the same time!”

“Yeah you are right. You should be grateful I managed to meet all of them before you pull that stupid stunt! And dinner will be my choice,” she smile. You laughs and nodded. Ready to make your way out and leave all this behind you.

The moment you and Jin Hee turned towards the door, two casually dressed man with a crew tag hung around their necks stops you. One of them smile and the other just eyed you from his position.

“Hello miss. I’m sorry to interrupt, but we work for BigHit,” the smiley man introduced himself.  "And if you have the time, we would like to invite you backstage,“ your eyes widen at that. So does Jin Hee’s.

"Huh?”

“Jungkook-ssi, or maybe you know him better as Jingkook-ssi would like to request your presence. He has something to say to you,” the other man chimed in, smirking at you when he mentioned the way you mispronounced Jungkook’s name. Your eyes widen even more. Shit, you are going to get it now. This Jungkook guy is so going to sue you. God, you had a wonderful career. A great life. You cant go to jail now. You really cant. You need to-

“Miss?” the first guy asks again, interrupting your thoughts when you didnt respond. You look at Jin Hee for help. She looks just as nervous as you are. The two man saw the look the two of you are giving each other, “You can come with,” he motioned to Jin Hee.

“This way please. The boys dont have much time. They have another schedule to attend to,” the non smiley man said and lead the way, giving you and Jin Hee no other choice but to follow along.

You and Jin Hee entered the back stage area and the man motioned you to go into one of the rooms. Sweating and feeling nervous as hell, you opened the door and is greeted by the seven boys you met on stage earlier. You look behind you at Jin Hee, she is staring at Taehyung and looks like she’s going to faint. Jungkook immediately stands up from his seat and smile at you. He noticed the way Jin Hee is staring at Taehyung and nodded at his hyung. Taehyung immediately nodded back and step towards Jin Hee, who you can confidently say could really faint for real anytime soon.

“Hi, I’m Taehyung. And you are?” He flashed his boxy smile at her. You felt sorry for you friend. You know how much she loves Taehyung. Her room is covered with his face. Every single inch of it, and now he is standing right in front of her. Smiling and asking her name.

“Jin…Jin Hee,” she managed to choked out.

“Well Jin Hee. I can tell you must like me the most out of these other six dorks,” he said with a smile, making the other boys groan out in protest. Jin Hee nodded fereciously.

“Ye…yes. You are my bias,”

“Well, how about we leave this two to talk and maybe we can have our own conversation?” Taehyung suggested, putting his arms around Jin Hee’s shoulder, leading her out. You grabbed her arms and shakes your head, silently begging her not to leave you with this… this Jingkook. She pushed your hand and mouthed an inaudible ‘Sorry, but its Taetae!’ and went out. You gave her one last glare, shooting daggers down her back. So much for friendship, what a betrayer!

One by one the other boys gets up from the couch and make their way out. Slapping Jungkook on the back snd grinning at him, before smiling at you and letting themself out, leaving the two of you alone. The last one out, if your memory of Jin Hee’s teachings doesnt fail you, is called Yoongi, and he smirked at Jungkook, “Take it easy Jungkook. Dont be so hard on her. Play nice,” and went off. You felt goosebumps after hearing him. Shit, Jungkook is really going to sue you. Jungkook just chuckle at his hyung. The moment you two were left alone, you turned to see Jungkook in front of you, leaning cockily against the wall, a smirk on his face and shamelessly eyeing you up and down.

You immediately clasped your hands together, as if you are begging and close your eyes. Ready for waterworks if need to.

“Mr Jungkook. I am so so so so so sorry for slapping you. I didnt mean it. I really did saw a bee. Its an automatic reaction. I’m sorry please dont sue me! Please dont press charges! I have a job that I need to keep. I have to feed my cat. She will miss me a lot if I go to jail. I have so many things to do. I cant go to jail. Please please. I will do anything. Please just dont sue me,” you rambled without stopping, you are panting, sweats starts to dot your forehead as your mind is filled with panic. You peeked open one eyes when you hear no respond from him to see him still leaning against the wall, quietly laughing.

You opened both eyes and placed your hands on your hips, feeling angry. Is he laughing at you? Is this boy seriously mocking you right now? You are apologizing to him with utmost sincerity and he is laughing at you? What a bastard.

Jungkook stops laughing when he sees how pissed you are. His face turns back into a smirk as he stepped closer and closer to you. You backed away until your back hits the wall and he stopped right in front of you, face so close your nose is almost touching.

“You said you will do anything as long as I dont sue you, right?” he asks in a low seductive voice, his warm breath fanning your face. You shut your eyes tightly in fear. You might be older, but this boy is seriously scaring you.

“Y..yes,”

“What’s your name?”

“Y…Y/N,”

“Well then Y/N. I need you to do one thing for me before I can forgive you,” you felt his hands get closer to your sides, almost touching your waist. You close your eyes and turn your face to the right, away from him.

“No…no. Please no,” you start to tremble. “Dont do it. I am your noona!” Suddenly you felt him move away from you.

“What did you think I’m asking you to do?” he asks in his normal voice. You open your eyes and see him standing in front of you, grinning, showing his cute bunny smile and waving your phone in front of you. You then realized that he had taken your phone out from your crossbody bag that is hung by your side while you were scared shitless. You felt both relieved and feeling like punching him all at the same time.

He punched in some number and you heard his own phone in his pockets rings. After finally snapping out fron your dazed, you realized he is taking you number. You cursed yourself for not putting a password on your phone.

“So Noona huh?” he grinned. “Its fine. I always prefer older woman anyway,” he winked at you. He gave back your phone and grinned at you.“Your number is the price you have to pay for slapping me, Y/N,” he leans in closer and whisper in your ear, sending chills down your body. Before you can respond, someone knock on the door and Jin Hee peeked her head in. You can hear the voice of the other boys from outside. Taehyung peeks his head beside Jin Hee’s.

“Time’s up maknae. We got to go,” he grinned at you and close the door, Jin Hee following his steps.

What a traitor!

“Coming hyung,” Jungkook yelled back and start collecting his things. Before he went off he leans in one more time, softly whispering in your ear, “And you better respond to my texts and calls, if you dont want me to claim something more from you Noona,” he winked at your surprised face, chuckled and walked out. Leaving you confuse, alone in the room until Jin Hee came in, squealing about her experience with the other members.

Jungkook cant hide his smile when they were all buckled up in the car, on their way to the next schedule.

“Got what you wanted?” Taehyung peeks his head from between the head rests behind him, startling Jungkook.

“He sure did. Just look at that smile on his face. Maknae’s all grown up,” Hoseok who sat beside him chimed in. Jungkook chuckled, waving his phone in front of hin, indicating he did get what he wanted.

“Thanks hyung. For distracting the friend,” he turned around, thanking Taehyung.

“Not a problem. She’s fun. Maybe if things work out between you two we can all hang out with Jin Hee again,” Taehyung suggested. Jungkook nodded. Things working out between you two… It has a nice ring to it.

Y/N.

Jungkook puts on his headphones and turn to the window, grinning by himself. To be honest, he was extremely shocked when his face was suddenly slapped. He wanted to get angry but when he look at how shocked you are, he didnt have the heart to do so. Instead he found it funny when you start to ramble about a bee and apologizing refusely.

What kind of a girl would try to hit a bee with their bare hands?

Most girl he knows, which he admits is not many, would scream bloody murder if they saw a bee. But you. Your immediate reaction is to just slapped the shit out of the bee.

After the boys were ushered backstage after the event, Jungkook immediately told his hyungs about the connection he felt with you. The need to know more about you and Namjoon suggest to just invite you backstage and get your number. The managers had done that for some of the boys before, so its no big deal. So Jungkook asked for help from two of their managers to fetch you, praying and hoping you havent left yet after being dragged out of the auditorium.

You never ceased to amaze him. He laughs when he remembered how the first thought that came to your mind when you met him backstage is he wanted to sue you.

Sue you for slapping him? How in the world did you come to that conclusion? He chuckled to himself.

Most girls would go ballistic if an idol calls them to go backstage. But of course, not you. Everything you did just makes him more curious. More interested to getting to know you. Even the way you call him Jingkook fascinates him. This is the first time he met a fan who didnt know his name. You might be older, but you sure do act like someone his age. He doesnt feel the age gap at all. He chuckles again and felt a hard slap at the back of his head. He turned around and see Jimin grinning at him.

“God, stop acting like a love sick puppy. Chuckling like an idiot. We are here!” he said, while climbing out from the van. Jungkook followed suit, wishing their schedule would end soon so he could start texting you.

You are trying to forget everything that happen that day by cooking yourself a bowl of steaming ramen and planning to eat it while continuing watching the half seen episode of the latest drama you are currenlt binge watching. You were only on your third bite when your phone dings. Wondering who could have texted you this late at night, you peeks at the notification.

Jungkookie  ♡

What?  Did the delusional idol seriously placed a heart emoji beside his own name? You rolled your eyes and tapped open the notification, wanting to see what he wanted.

Jungkookie ♡ [01.43am] Hey Y/N. Are you sleeping?

Jungkookie ♡ [01.45am] I’m sorry I couldnt text you earlier. Trust me, I wanted to so badly. But today’s schedule was tight I dont even have time to pee!

Jungkookie ♡ [01.48am] I guess you are already sleeping. Good Night Y/N. I’ll be dreaming of you tonight.

You decided not to reply Jungkook’s messages. How is this boy so shameless? But you do like the fact he didnt call you noona. You really hate that. It just makes you feel old. Pushing all thoughts of him aside, you continue watching the drama, all thoughts of Jungkook dissapeared from your mind.

However, unfortunately for you, for someone who is supposed to be extremely busy, Jungkook seems to find the time to text you constantly. To the extend of calling you if you didnt reply to his barrage of text messages. You just ignore him and move on with your life, which Jin Hee strongly protest, ssying the boy could be your destiny, the love of your life. You just rolled your eyes at that. There is no way that’s going to happen. Jungkook is eight years younger than you, and an idol, at that.

No. You and him? That is never happening.

You and an idol? That is definitely not happening.

Its not like you are going to see him again anyways. You dont plan in attending any fanmeets any time soon, or ever.

Well, that’s what you think.

You were minding your own business at work, briefing your team for the new project when a very familiar voice called out to you.

“Y/N noona?”

You close your eyes, shaking your head. This cant be. Please no. You turned around slowly, hoping it wont be who you thought it is, but of course…

“It is you!” Jungkook smile is so bright you almost went blind. You quickly dismissed your team who is giving you curious looks as he make his way to you, telling his other members who is grinning widely and waving at you that he will be back soon. “Why do you never reply to my texts or pick up my calls?” he pouts.

“Because I dont find the need to,” you quickly start to pack your things, trying to get away from him as soon as possible. He held your arm, stopping you.

“Do you work here Y/N?” he directly asked. It always make you feel some type of way when he just calls you by your name and instead of noona. You nodded.

“Obviously,”

“Great,” he clapped his hand in glee. “Now that I know where you work, if you still keep on avoiding my texts and calls, I will just come here and find you!” he happily declared.

“No! Please no,” he quirked an eyebrow at your outburst. “Please dont come here. I will reply to your text, okay?” you pleaded. Jungkook smile happily.

“That’s great!” he said, a satisfied smirk plastered on his face. “But you do know this is a broadcast company right? I come here a lot Y/N,”

You close your eyes in frustration. Crap. Why didnt you make the connection. You work in a huge broadcast company. He’s an idol. Of course he would be here a lot. And now that he knows you are working here… crap crap crap.

“Tell you what,” Jungkook suddenly lean in closer. “I promise I wont make a scene whenever I’m here, as long as you promise to see me or maybe grab a quick bite with me whenever I’m here. Deal?”

You sigh. This is so not what you had planned your day to go. You cant afford for him to create a ruckus at your place of work. You glare at him. Why is this delusional boy so obsessed with you anyway?

“Fine,” you agreed, making Jungkook smile and you just felt like you signed your death contract.

Ever since that fateful day, Jungkook has been texting you every single day. You have no choice but to reply. As days went by, you find him not to be so annoying anymore. Despite his age, he can actually hold a decent conversation with you, it didnt went pass you that he is also funny and sweet. He came to your office about two times a week, since his group is filming some show with the broadcast station. He made sure to see you every single time, for lunch, sometimes for tea and even just a quick bite. You have to admit, you kind of like spending time with him.

But when his age and his status as an idol came to mind, you quickly pushed your thoughts aside and try to forget all feelings that might have emerged.

Sometimes, you just feel that its already too late.

Jungkook always noticed when you start to distance yourself from him. He can feel you start to give in, opening yourself up to him, and as if you had a sudden realization, you will suddenly turn back to being cold and distance with him. He cant understand it. Its driving him even more crazy because well, Jungkook is in love with you. After months of getting to know you, he has no doubts that he has fallen deeply in love with you. Your age doesnt matter. It doesnt bother him at all. He loves everything about you.  But does it bother you? He knows you feel the same way, he’s very sure about it. It shows in the way you shyly smile at him or sometimes stare at him when you thought he wasnt looking. Still, Jungkook cant put a finger on what exactly is holding you back.

“Hey you okay?” Taehyung asks after seeing the maknae running his hand multiple times through his hair, worry written all over his face.

“No, not really,” Jungkook honestly admitted.

“Its Y/N noona isnt it?”

“Yeah,” Jungkook admits, shoulders slumped in frustration. “I know she feels the same way about me. I know she loves me back hyung. I know she does. But I dont understand why she’s holding her feelings back,” he sigh. “And I hate it when I see photos of her having fun with her friends partying, out drinking coffee with her colleagues and stuff after she said she is too busy to reply to my texts. I just felt like she has a life on her own, a life without me in it, a life she didnt want to include me in. And God, I really want to be in it,”

“Jungkook, you know noona is older than all of us right? Its just right that she already have a life of her own before she even met you. You cant expect her to only spend time with you. Even if the two of you got together, she will still have a life of her own. I dont see her as a woman who will change her whole life just for a man,”

“I know that,” Jungkook sigh. “But I dont like thinking she’s out there having fun and not even thinking about me. When all I do everyday is think about her every single second, wanting her,”

“Well then, I guess you have to go talk to Y/N noona and sort things out. See for sure where the two of you stand. That’s all the advice I can give you Kook,” Taehyung patted his back before leaving Jungkook thinking about his words.

Jungkook didnt see you for almost three weeks. He didnt have anymore programs to shoot at the company, thus, no more excuses to grab a quick lunch with you. Plus, his schedule is extremely pack, not giving him time to go and see you. Its drives him crazy, not being able to see you. He tried to hold it in, the extreme feeling of missing and wanting you, but all restrain broke loose when you casually replied to his text saying you are just on your way home from a date.

A fucking date.

You barely replied to his texts or answers his calls, and you went on a fucking date?

Jungkook knows you and him never talked about your relationship. Never actually set the line. Never discussed what you are to each other. But never would he have thought you would think so little of him. Absolutely ignoring and disrespecting his feelings that he laid out bare in front of you.

Furious and cant barely think straight, Jungkook makes his way to your house, not bothering or even caring what time it is. He let out a low growled when you opened the door still dressed in the outfit you wore for the date. It angers him how you dressed up so nicely for another man.

“Jungkook. What are you doing here?” you asked, surprised by his unexpected visit.

“Did you have fun on your little date, noona?” he ignored your question and answered with his own. You can sense the jealousy seething through him and sigh. You really have no time to deal with a hormonally induced boy with his ridiculous sense of jealousy.

“Jungkook… if that is why you are here about, then you shouldnt have. Its nothing, we just went out for dinner. We are just getting to know each other,”  you acting as if going out on a date is not a big deal only adding fuel to the fire.

“Then what about me? Why dont you fucking get to know me?! Are you seriously acting like you cheating on me is not a big deal!?” you are startled. Jungkook never speak that way to you before. Although a little afraid with the furious male in front of you, you try your best to act tough.

“What about you? What do you mean cheating on you? We are not dating Jungkook! We are nothing!  Get it through your childish little head!” you answered back, not able to entirely hide the tremble in your voice . “And I am still your noona. I didnt give you the permission to talk to me like that!”

Jungkook sent you a death glare, eyes dark, making your heart pounds faster. God, why is this boy looks so hot when he’s angry? “You are right noona. We are not dating, aren’t we? I am nothing to you, aren’t I?” his voice sounded so hurt, you just want to give him a hug and tell him everything is going okay. Jungkook ran his hands through his hair and make his way to the door, but you managed to stop him in time, pulling his arms.

“What do you want Y/N?” he growled, making you take a step back.

“Jungkook,” you stammered. “Its not like that. Its not what I meant! You are just to young to unde-”

“Is this what its all about? My age?! My fucking age?” Jungkook turned and walked further towards you. “You think I’m too young to be with you? Is that it?” you can see the anger radiating off him. Jungkook is frustrated. With all the thinking he’s been doing, he never would have thought his age would be the problem. At least not to you.He thought you are different. He is sick and tired with people treating him like a kid. He is a man and he can gladly prove it to you.

“No! That’s not it!” you quickly objected. “It was never about your age,” you quietly added underneath your breath. He stopped in his tracks and quirked an eyebrow.

“Then what is it Y/N? What is it that stops you from letting this,” his fingers motioned to the two of you “happen?”

Your gaze dropped to the ground, unable to answer him. You know the reason alright. But its too petty, you are afraid Jungkook would think its stupid.

“I…I’m..”

“What is it?” he is getting impatient. “Fuck this,” he make his move to the door.

“No, stop!” you quickly grabbed his arm again. Jungkook turned to you, raising an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation before he walk out of your door forever. Its now or never, you thought.

“Its because you are an idol!”

Both of you stayed silence after that. You let go of his arm and look down to the floor. How is it that you are eight years older than him but he still managed to make you feel so small?

“What?”

“Its…its because you are an idol…” you repeated in a small voice. Jungkook let out a loud huffed and wipe his face with frustration.

“What the hell do you mean Y/N? What does being an idol got to do with anything? What does it got to do with us being together?!” You kept quiet for a moment, contemplating on the best way to explain it to him.

“I…I cant handle the thought of dating an idol. Of having millions other girls going after you, talking about you,” Jungkook’s eyes flickered in confusion at what you meant. “I…I get jealous easily. If you are mine, then I want you to be mine alone. My past relationships… some is ruined because of my blinded jealousy, but it turns out not to be so blind when most of them really did cheat on me,” your voice small. You look back to your past relationships. Sometimes you dont know if your past boyfriends cheated on you because they are tired of your jealousy or your suspicious jealousy is really spot on. What you do know is that it never worked out.

And a relationship with an idol with girls throwing themselves at him all the time? Its highly likely it wont ever work out.

“What are you trying to say Y/N? That I would cheat on you? Because I’m an idol?”

“Don’t you understand?” you looked closely at his Jungkook’s face. “You are an idol. You have girls chasing afer you everyday, fantasizing about you. Everytime you do a particularly sexy dance move or even wink on stage, I cant help but feel jealous, thinking about how you are doing it for some other girl. Its not healthy Jungkook. I know its not. I cant do that to you. I cant roped you into this kind of a relationship.I rather not be with you at all than ruin what little friendship we have now,”

Jungkook takes slow steps towards you, finally closing the distance between the two of you. He pushed a strand of hair behind your ear, carressing your cheek.

“Is that what this is all about? You are denying me because you thought you will ruin the relationship?” you nodded, closing your eyes as he leaned in closer to your ear. “Let me tell you a secret noona,” you can feel his warm breath touched the tip of your ear, “There’s nothing that I love more than hearing and knowing you want me all for yourself,” his voice is thick with seduction, it sends shivers down your spine.

His hands starts to run across your collarbones and down to the collar of your off the shoulders dress, slowly rubbing and tugging them down.

“I will show you that you have absolutely nothing to be jealous about. I will show you how I am yours and yours alone, noona,” he whispered in your ear before he cupped your chin with one hand and kissed you, while the other pulled the front of your dress down, revealing yourself to him.

/////

You woke up when the bright sunlight of the warm morning hit your face. You tried to move but you felt something heavy constricting you to the bed. You turned to your right and see Jungkook still sleeping soundly, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist. You smile and trace his beautiful face. This is the most perfect view to wake up to. You knew then that you will never get enough of this boy. The marks all over his neck and chest makes you blush, taking you back to the events happening the night before.

“Everytime you need a reminder of how I fully belong to you, remember this. Remember this moment right now,” he pants as he thrust repeatedly into you, one of his hands keeping both of yours on the top of your head. “Remember that only.. you.. can..ahh fuck.. make. me.. feel.. this way,” he said between thrust as he keeps on pounding into you. “You are the only one who can turn me to dust, not the other girls. Never them,”

“Jungkook, please, please dont stop,” you begged him.

“Remember only.. you.. will.. ever.. see me… like this. Needy and begging for you. Ahh fuck, you feel so good Y/N,” he quicken his thrust with every word. “Remember that its.. only.. your name.. I’m ever gonna.. scream out,”

“Jung…Jungkook, I’m going to-” you screamed out his name as you came, repeating his name over and over again. Jungkook kept on pounding into you, chasing his own sweet release. You can feel he’s close when you felt him twitch inside of you. He leaned forward closer to your face.

“Remember…ahhh…that I love you Y/N. I love you so much, its not even funny,” he said before he kissed you deeply as he spilled himself into you, moaning your name endlessly between pants.

He rolled away from you after the two of you recollect you senses and look at you, giving you a peck on the lips.

“I love you so much Y/N. From the very first slap,” you chuckled, remembering the memory. “I promise I wont give you a reason to feel the need to get jealous or to not trust me,”

“I know Jungkook. I’m just afraid. I’ve been dating ordinary man all these while and its still a problem, I dont know if I can handle dating an idol. An incredibly handsome and talented one at that,” Jungkook push a strand of your hair away from your face.

“I’m not just an idol Y/N. I am also just a man. A man who’s desperately in love with you,” he pecked your lips. “Being an idol has nothing to do with us. I love you,” he kissed you deeper, more passionately. “Thankyou for giving us a chance, for trying with me. I promise it will be worth it,”

Jungkook made love to you four times that night, each time reminding you that it will always be you, and only you, no matter what he does in front of his fan girls. He whispered words of love into your ears, promising he will be there for you every step of the relationship, until you learned that he really loves you and no jealousy can come between it.

You smile at his sleeping figure, finally admitting to yourself that you are pathetically in love with him, the young idol you slapped when you first met. You realized Jungkook is worth it. He’s worth the try. He’s worth the fight.

“Good morning beautiful,” Jungkook sleepily greeted you, eyes half open but leaning in for a quick morning kiss. He suddenly flipped you over, laying on top of you and kissed you long and deep, his hard erection poking your stomach. Jungkook cheekily smirked at you after he broke the kiss, leaving you breathless and wanting more.

“I think…” he slowly kisses a slow trail down your jawline and towards your neck. “You should be reminded again why you have no reason to be jealous…”

A/N: This fiction is slightly based on the Othello Syndrome, or Suspicious Jealousy.Othello Syndrome is a real psychological disorder in which a person is preoccupied with the thought that their spouse or sexual partner is being unfaithful without having any real proof. Its a real psychological disorder that should be never taken lightly, along with other disorders.

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[glassartpeasants]

Dead to Me

Neito Monoma x Reader

Warnings: Angst, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, this gets dark so read at your own risk guys

A/N: Like i said this is one of the darker things iv’e wrote on this so blog so far. Not for the faint of heart.

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You sat in the cafeteria looking across the head of your fellow classmates to see your boyfriend Monoma sitting with his own class. You tried to catch his attention but it proved to be a failure.

“Well that didnt work...” You saw with a grumpy look on your face.

“Man how did you even end up dating him (y/n)? He’s an asshole to the entire Class of 1A!” Your friend Mina said as she gave you a little pout.

“I dont know he just ended up asking me out and now we’re dating!” You said happily. Even though Monoma could be a bit much sometimes you still loved him with your entire being.

You turn your head again to see to bright baby blue eyes looking at you. You smile and wave at him waiting for him to wave back. You hand slowly went down as you saw him laughing and pointing at you. 

You never head good self esteem so your mind immediately went to thinking that he was making fun of you. Your cheeky smile turning into a small frown as you glanced again to see him still laughing.

‘Maybe he’s just laughing at someone else?’ You thought to yourself, trying to convince your mind that he wouldnt make fun of you. He loved you...

Right?

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A few days after the cafeteria incident you had begun to notice that Monoma was starting to hang out with you less and less. You wanted to ask him about it but you didnt want to be seen as clingy. So you just suffered in silence as you watched him slowly drift away from you. Your head sending you all the signals to ask him, but your heart wanted to believe that there was a good reason to why he was doing it.

You were walking towards the 1A Class when some upperclassman decided it would be funny to pick on you.

“Wow would you look at this little baby! How did someone so usless get into a school such as UA?” Him and his buddies only laughed as you try to stutter out an insult. You turn your head towards the door and see Monoma walking out, you tried to get his attention, which worked this time but instead of helping you he only turned his head and walked towards his classroom. You turn your gaze back to the upperclassman before getting a quick slap to the face by one of them.

“Speak when spoken to bitch.”

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The bullying from the upperclassman had started to really take a toll on your mental health. You would try to do anything in your power to avoid them but they always found you. You wanted to tell the teachers but you were afraid they would believe you. They planted that thought in your brain as you slowly believed them.

You begged Monoma to walk you to class, hoping if he saw the fear in your eyes he would listen. Much to your dismay he didn’t.

You would always come to class with some sort of new bruise on your body. Everyone started to worry about you, they slowly started to think Monoma was abusing you. Which you said wasn’t the case. When asked who did it, you tensed up and froze in fear, worrying that they may be near.

You finally told someone about it when you were hanging out with Jirou. She had asked you what was going and you finally told her what was happening. And everything that has been happening with Monoma. She looked at you and gave you a nice bone crushing hug as she asked you why you didnt tell anyone.

“I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me..”

“Oh (v/n)...were going to report them. Im not standing by and watch as you get hurt!”

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A few weeks have passed since then and things were finally starting to be looking up! The upperclassmen who were bullying you had gotten expelled since, ‘bullying is not what hero’s do’. You were finally able to walk the halls with being in constant fear again. Your mental health still wasnt at its peak but it was slowly getting better!

But only one more thing still wasn’t looking brighter. And that was your relationship with Monoma. He kept on acting the same way, maybe even worse then before! As much as you hated the feeling you had started to grow bitter. Why was he ignoring you? What did you do to make him pissed at you?

You finally swallowed your anxiety and went up to talk to him. Taking a deep breath as you went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. You were the only one’s in the hallway.

“Hey Monoma..did i..did i do something wrong?” You said trying to sound confident.

“What do you mean?” He asked. You sense a hint of smugness in his voice.

“Like you’ve been ignoring me all this week...what happened i thought we were doing-”

“Ah ah ah ah, im going to stop your right there. You see my dear our little ‘relationship’ was all but a dare.” Your eyes widen as sadness washed over you like a tidal wave. That couldn’t be tu\rue he said that he had loved you..was it all just a lie?

“W-what? B-b-but i thought y-you-”

“Well you thought wrong dear (y/n).” A snicker after his words. Your eyes swelled up with tears before pushing away from Monoma and running back to the dorms. Not caring if you missed class.

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You sat in your dorm, crying your soul out. You had loved him and told him secrets that no one else knew. You thought he truly loved you. The more you thought about it the more it hurt. You felt like your whole world came crashing down. Your tears burning your face as they kept coming.

Ding!

You looked down at your phone to see a text from Kirishima asking why you weren’t in class today. You could see the text message with it counting as reading it. You have to click on the app to do that. You throw your phone to the other side of your bed before laying back down and crying some more.

Once you woke up from your nap, the thoughts came rushing back again. What if they were just like Monoma? What if they were only your friends because of a dare too? 

All those thoughts running through your head at inhumane speeds, until one stayed still.

What if you just ended it?

Your heart stopped at the thought. Why would your brain even think about that? But no matter how hard you tried to forget the said thought more and more voices plowed there way through your head filling it with horrible thoughts. Slowly picking at your insecurities. Feasting on your every flaw. You slowly get up from your tear stained bed. And you look at yourself in the mirror.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

All but a dare

The last thought hit you like a brick as you fall to the floor with your head in your knees.

Your quirk was called Frost. You pretty much had the power to manipulate Frost. Meaning everything you touched would become covered in an a sheet of ice. That why you had to wear gloves, kinda like Shigaraki you needed to have all five fingers on said target for your power to work.

You just stared at your hand, tracing over every curve and looking at it with deep intensity. Before you could do anything else you put all five fingers on your ankle, causing your ankle begin to have a sheet of ice covering it. The frost started to quickly spread around your body and onto the floor. You head you head in your knees as you felt your body heat lower, the Ice completely claiming your body as one. A single tear slipped down your face before your entire body and room was covered in a layer of ice. Your phone buzzing with texts from worried classmates.

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After class had ended practically the entire class of 1A ran to their dorms to find you. You never missed a class. 

As soon as they entire the dorms they all shivered. It had to be below zero in there. As they hugged themselves tightly they walked up to your room. As the tried to knock and upon the door they had realized the handle had been frozen solid. Bakugo having enough time worrying blasted the door open with his quirk. Everyone gasped as they saw your frozen form on the other side of the wall. They were quick to grab you out of the ice and bring you to Mr. Aizawa.

Once they reached him, he asked what happened. Which they all replied with i dont know. You were quickly taken to the nearest hospital everyone doing their best to thaw you out of your frozen cocoon.

Once at the hospital your body had been completely thawed out and was ready to be put in EC unit. You body temp was so low that they put every heater they had in the room.

The nurse looked at the class and told them that if they were a minute later you would have died from hypothermia.

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Monoma walked into school the next and was met with angry and ugly looks the entire time.

‘They hell did i do?’ He thought to himself. You never once crossed his mind. 

Liar

After he said those things to you the look of betrayal and sadness in your eyes shot a spike of guilt through his chest. Before he could say anything you had run out of the building. 

Now here he was the day after you got put in the hospital reciving ugly looks from everyone.

“Hey Kendo do you know what everyone is talking about?” The blonde boy asked his ginger friend.

“Wait, you didnt hear? (y/n) is in the hospital. Apparently they tried to commit suicide. Sad right?” A wave of guilt, sadness, and disgust completely takes over his body.

 How could he live with himself knowing what he did to you? That he made you take that dark path.

News Flash he couldn’t.

The next day the blonde boy walked up the he hospital you resided at and getting ready to see you.

Once he saw your lifeless form he dashed his way to the bed to slowly stroke your hair. Sitting on a chair to get closer to you before hearing you wake up.

You slowly turn to Monoma, your eyes once filled with happiness was now full of hate and disgust.

“What are you doing here?” You snapped at the boy. Disgust evident in your voice.

“i just came to say-” 

“Leave.”

“What?” Your words shushed him as he looked at you with wide eyes was he tried to grab your cheek to make you look at him.

“You heard me leave. I never want to see you again you understand Neito Monoma?” You looked him right in those blue eyes you use to love so much and said something you could never go back on.

“Your dead to me.”