#so I always have to prove myself while people who were born in the right area code or self-concept get to have a base level of credibility

[sophiaphile]

so sick of the 'how dare you' attitude people give me for just existing

[edonee]

The belief that gender is a feeling, something interior and unrelated to sex is not only false, but it also upholds gender stereotypes. What does a transgender person mean, when they say they identify as the opposite gender? I've actually posed the question to a lot of trans people, and the answers were always something along the lines of "I liked things made for boys as a kid. I felt different from other girls. I don't feel connected to my biological gender because I behave differently" (coming from women who identify as trans) or "I preferred girls toys as a kid, I was always drawn toward dressing more femininely, wearing make-up, etc." (from men who identify as trans). I then ask, why does that mean you are a different gender? I thought we were all on the same page with the whole "boys can like pink, girls can like blue" argument. I mean, everyone has been saying that for decades, and we all agree that those are gender stereotypes, right??

So I always asked myself why transgender people used those as arguments to prove their point. The other argument, that a lot of trans people might bring up after reading this, is "Well, sex dysphoria is a thing though". And yeah, it is a disgnosable mental disorder, and there are people who seriously suffer from it. But so is anorexia. Do we see doctors performing liposuctions on people suffering from anorexia, though? Of course not: mutilating the body of a mentally unwell person is inhumane. People who suffer from eating disorders are offered therapy in order to recover and create a healthy relationship with their body. So why would dysphoric people get "gender affirming surgery" (which is an interesting name, because I thought y'all said gender isn't dependent on sex???) instead of analyzing the reasons why their body brings them distress? The whole narrative of "being born in the wrong body" is so...vague. And, *trust me*, I've tried to put myself in transgender people's shoes and comprehend their arguments, but they are just insubstantial. I see why for some of them (especially women) identifying as the opposite gender would be favorable: for women, because it's an attempt to escape their fate in a misogynistic world. It's freeing (I speak from personal experience here, I identified as non-binary for a while). It feels like saying fuck you to the patriarchy. You feel the rush of eluding womanhood (or at least you think you do). But, at the end of the day, it's truly just that: eluding. And (unless you medically transition, to the point you pass as male) it's not going to change anything. People hate us because of our sex, not because of our "gender identity". Men won't care whether you identify as ftm, non-binary, agender or anything else. They hate you because you are Female. That's what misogyny is at its core. And, if you push the idea that gender is just a feeling, something that you can identify as, and that biological sex doesn't matter, and that "anyone can be a woman, actually!" you are inevitably going to water down the definition of Woman until it is just that: a sensation, something intangibile. How can we fight for a category of people, if we can't even define who we're fighting for? Also, Women are the only class this applies to. Take Race as an example: the movement of resistance against racism knows exactly who they are fighting for. The definition of a Black person is not up for debate. People who identify as "transracial" (mostly trolls) are heavily criticized, and they are obviously not included in the Black movement. Why do we have to accommodate males in our movement? Use whatever pronouns you want, get all the surgeries you want, take whatever hormones: it's not going to do anything to defy misogyny. @kieransskin

[thankskenpenders]

And now for something new

So, here's something I was never planning on doing, but I just couldn't shake the idea... Thanks Ken Penders is gaining a sister blog featuring an entirely different comic franchise!

Introducing... Thanks Steve Ditko, a blog where I read the Earth-616 Spider-Man comics, starting all the way back in the '60s! It's gonna be much more casual and less thorough than how I run things here on TKP, though, which I'll explain in a sec.

If seeing me post weird bits from old Spider-Man comics sounds fun and you need no further info, then just head right on over to Thanks Steve Ditko. But for longtime TKP readers, I know you probably have questions...

Number one: Why?

Spider-Man's always been my favorite superhero, and with the Spider-Verse movies kicking ass and my excitement building for the new Insomniac game, I've been in a Spidey mood. Inevitably, a thought occurred to me: Maybe I should actually read the comics that everything else is built off of and see the wildly varying contributions of all the original creators, rather than filtering them through big budget adaptations. If I can power through One Piece and all these other manga with hundreds of chapters, it can't be that hard... right?

And, well, after a few issues I quickly realized that my options were to either clog up my other accounts with random Spider-Man panels for years, or to just make a side blog. And so the side blog was born.

Two: Will this blog replace Thanks Ken Penders?

NO!!!!!!!!!

Okay but prove it

To allow the two to exist side-by-side, Thanks Steve Ditko will have a different format than what Thanks Ken Penders developed. Rather than an in-depth guided tour that critically analyzes every story beat of every issue, TSD will just be a place for amusing panels and brief thoughts as I casually read the comics at my own pace.

If you've seen me make a few tweets about reading Spider-Man recently, I'm basically just moving that to a dedicated Tumblr. It's a place for me to dump these things so that it doesn't fill up my media tab on Twitter for the next decade. (You know, assuming Twitter is still around in a decade.) There will be many issues where I only post two panels that I thought were funny. There will be issues where I don't have anything to say at all. Maybe I'll reach a run that I just cannot get into, and I start skipping around more. Who knows!

This may sound similar to what I thought this blog would be before it blew up. Aside from the simple fact that there's already mountains of Spider-Man commentary out there and therefore less of a void for me to fill, one of the main steps I'll be taking to avoid repeating the past is not enabling an ask box on TSD. I do not need people to ask me to go into ten times more detail on everything. I do not need to write seven essay-length responses to questions about Spider-Man minutiae every day. I do not need a place for people to chide me for not covering certain scenes, issues, or ancillary series.

It also won't have any kind of update schedule. I'm trying to keep it very casual. I'm reading these comics at my own pace, and if I feel like sharing a moment or commenting on something while doing so? It goes there. That's it.

(On the subject of format changes, I'm also listing the issue, writer, and penciller in the body of every post. This is a thing I wish I'd done on TKP so that people didn't misattribute every weird Archie Sonic panel I post to Penders.)

Three: So when will TKP come back from hiatus? You said it'd come back after you finished SLARPG!

I don't know! Sorry. I have a couple things on the backburner right now for TKP, but I'm not sure when I'll get back to proper updates where I read more comics.

I wanted to bring TKP back this year, and that's still possible. The main hurdle is that I want to reread my own archive (again) as a refresher, which is, uh. A lot of posts. I've developed a high standard for myself on here, and I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job right if I forgot half the ongoing subplots and character arcs and didn't bring them up in my analysis. Especially when I'm discussing the work of an author as obsessed with continuity as Ian Flynn. Unfortunately, the nature of this blog means that every time I go on another long hiatus for Life Reasons I have even more comic continuity to catch up on than last time.

(This is a big part of why I'm making Thanks Steve Ditko an extremely casual blog instead of promising to become a Lore Expert on 60+ years of Marvel.)

Mostly I've just been very burnt out this year after having finally finished a video game that took almost eight years to make. I haven't really had the energy for any creative projects, including TKP. But I feel a little bit of a spark here with Spider-Man, so I'm chasing that feeling to try to get back into the swing of blogging about comics - no pun intended.

So, basically, bear with me on this as I start this low-energy side project. But hopefully folks will enjoy Thanks Steve Ditko as its own thing, too.

Look forward to goofy shit like this

[alexthebordercollie]

Soooo I made thing. I will probably redraw this in the cannon style in the future. As for my own personal style for drawing GF stuff, I'm still fleshing it out. But I have another AU now. My Hand of God AU has Ford committing to Bill and spending years trapped in a very abusive relationship, also the apocalypse so that's fun. This one's the complete opposite direction. Ford and Fidds accidentally come into possession of a pair of twins, these boys end up being the motivation it took for Ford to cut things off with Bill and do whatever it takes to keep him from ever getting out.

(I've yet to flesh out exactly how these two were born but the boys were created through anomalous means.)

On the left is Nik (Nikola) An adrenalin junkie who loves adventure and is an absolute menace to society as is the Pines tradition. On the right is Newt (Newton), a pastel-loving soft boy who will cry if you tell him pink is a girl color and gets overly attached to every weird critter Ford brings home.

Nick is missing a pinkie because Bill cut it off while possessing Ford when he was a baby as a threat. Trying to scare Ford into compliance by threatening to kill the boys. Ford did some very unsafe brain surgery on himself to make it impossible for him to ever sleep again. Cutting off Bill's ability to control him for the most part.

Portal is gone, still living in Gravity Falls though, and keeping an eye out for anyone Bill might try to manipulate. Fidds and his wife are divorced. Emma has primary custody but Tate stays with them in GF during the summers where he often bullies Nik and Newt. But Nik and Newt don't tell their dads about it because they know how much Fidds loves his other son and they don't want to make things complicated for him. Tate is just taking out his frustration over his parents failed marriage on his half-siblings. Fidds takes the twins with him when he visits Tate and the rest of his family in California for Christmas. Ford stays behind because Emma hates him and he doesn't want to deal with her family.

Ford and Fidds aren't married both cause it's not legal yet but also tbh not sure they ever would regardless just cause Ford is pretty disinterested in those sorts of formalities. Whatever it is they have going for them right now works for him.

Heavy thoughts below the cut.

TBH I made myself sad thinking about autistic people and our relationships. The way we love isn't always obvious to NT people and it can sometimes feel like you're not good enough for anyone because loving people in the way you're expected to is such a struggle.

Sometimes I see people frame Ford^2 as this completely unrequited thing and it reminds me of the experience of loving people very intensely but feeling unable to prove it because it's so difficult to live up to the standards most people have in relationships.

I like Fiddlestan as a ship it's cute and a fun idea and I get the appeal but there's a little nagging thought in the back of my head that it kind of implies Ford's neurotypical brother is better. More capable of real love. That Ford was never good enough. Not to say Fiddleford didn't deserve better but the idea that these two couldn't have worked makes me kind of depressed for kind of personal reasons so I wanted to make up a universe where they do.

Not to say there isn't plenty of material of Ford and Fidds reconnecting as old men and making it work but the fact they lost so much of their lives to bad decisions is still sad.

[moonlightspencie]

never thought i’d meet you here

Part 3 of ‘the sweetest con’

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: flashback chapter!!

<- PART TWO

Thinking back, I should have known she would be nothing but trouble for me. Her first day was enough to prove she would bring something very unique to the table. I certainly didn’t expect it to fully captivate me.

I heard a knock at the door, looking up to see a new face.

“Agent Hotchner?”

Her voice was quiet, but without the presence of nerves I’d usually hear in a stranger. Especially somebody who knew they were coming into the unit against my better wishes.

“Yes,” I stood, “You’re Agent Y/N, I presume?”

She smiled, walking further into the room and reaching out a hand.

“I am. It’s good to finally meet you,” she said, shaking my hand. “I know you’re probably a bit on edge considering I’m coming in without your say-so. I will say, however, that regardless of what Strauss says, if you feel that I’m not right for the team then I will gracefully bow out. She can’t really tell you no if I make the decision, right?”

She laughed, though I couldn’t quite tell if she was really joking or trying to catch me in some type of trap.

“I’m sorry?”

She finally dropped the hand that I didn’t realize was still holding onto her.

“I’ve known Strauss for a while, she’s kind of been a mentor of sorts. But that also means I know she’s always up your ass and that she’s kind of throwing me at you right now. I want you to know that you can still have the final say about me being here.”

“I appreciate that.”

She smiled again. “Great. So, have you had the chance to look over my file? Otherwise, I can give you the rundown.”

“I have looked it over, yes,” I said, a little rattled by just how forward she was. I moved to sit behind my desk, inviting her to sit down as well. “I’m impressed, I won’t lie. You’ve accomplished quite a lot for someone who joined the bureau two years ago.”

“Erin may be a hard-ass but she’s told me what I need to do to be a good agent, and frankly, it’s worked,” she said, then sighed softly. “I also grew up in a family that valued hard work. I try to operate on the mindset that I can learn to accomplish anything if I put in the work.”

“I’m glad to hear it. The BAU operates a little differently than most of the units here.”

“I’m aware. Trust me, I’ve done my homework on what this unit works to accomplish, and how it gets done. Even when it goes outside of the lines of what the higher-ups want,” she said, a small smile betraying her.

I found myself smiling back. “I’m sure you’ve gotten an earful about me.”

“Not enough to make me dislike you. If anything, hearing that you’re able to piss her off that often only makes me like you more.”

I let out a chuckle, appreciating the honesty, though still not used to it spilling out so easily from somebody I don’t know.

“Well, if you’re ready, I’d like to introduce you to the team,” I said, standing.

What I didn’t say was that I knew they’d love her. I couldn’t have been more right. She settled into the flow of the team as easily as if she’d been there the whole time. It probably helped that she was coming in around the same time as Elle, so they could support one another as new agents. She made fast friends with Reid, helping him to feel seen as a young agent. Obviously Morgan was fast to flirt, but even Gideon took her in quickly.

The thing that shocked me about her presence on the team is that of all the people she could focus on being friends with, she set her sights on me.

“Hotch,” she called out from the elevator, stopping me from opening the doors do the bullpen. “News on baby Hotchner?”

I laughed. Since he was born, she asked for daily updates as if much would change from day to day.

“Same as yesterday. Crying, sleeping, pooping, and eating.”

“Don’t forget the smiling. I’ve seen that kid a few times now, and he’s always smiling,” she noted.

“See? You don’t even have to ask, you already know,” I said, opening the door for her.

She walked ahead. “What if something changes? Then I’ll be behind the times”

“Right,” I nodded. “Haley says thank you for the new blanket, by the way.”

“Of course. The second I found out she was pregnant I started on the knitting. Every baby I know gets a little handmade present.”

“It’s still very kind,” I affirmed, then turned towards my office. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” she waved, immediately running over to talk to the group that sat around Reid’s desk.

It was well over a year later when I realized I might have a problem on my hands. Between her knowing me well enough to spot when I was down, and the fact that I didn’t want to talk about it outright, her usual kindness was laid on thick. It wouldn’t usually phase me for her to bring me a coffee or give me a hug.

For some reason, though, on one cold day the coffee she brought tasted extra sweet and the hug she gave me was warmer than ever.

My heart started beating harder.

I panicked, quickly putting distance between us when she let go. Physically, I stood back behind my desk. Mentally, I tried to ignore it all the best I could for months.

Then, in the middle of a suspension and a possible job transfer, Haley got a call. I’d already been suspicious that something was happening behind my back. It certainly didn’t help when I answered the phone, and the caller hung up only for a call to immediately go to her personal cell. It didn’t take much to figure out what was happening from that point on. I pushed it off for the time being, booking it to Milwaukee with Prentiss in tow.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N asked me immediately, concern on her face. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but—“

“It’s a long story.”

“Last I heard, Haley wanted you to transfer.”

“She does.”

“Then, again, what are you doing here?”

I sighed. “I can’t leave this team.”

“We’re talking about this later, you know?”

I smirked. “I know.”

She grilled me for everything when we finally talked that night, but ultimately supported my decision. It felt like a weight off my shoulders to have someone affirm my choice, even if she thought it was kind of stupid on the marriage front.

Now that I see it for what it is, that might have been the moment I realized I couldn’t run from what I felt for her. I knew I had to get over it, but denial was doing nothing. She’d somehow worked her way into being an essential part of my life. Worse, she started making a home in my heart that I really should have torn down as soon as possible.

NEXT PART ->

[avastrasposts]

The British Connection - ch. 2

Summary: Grace Mallory makes a reluctant Billy Butcher and The Boys team up with an MI6 operative sent over from London to track down a dangerous supe killing people on both sides of the pond. Billy is being his usual arsehole self but maybe opposites attract?

It's 14 chapters and complete and 'll be posting a new chapter every day

Warnings: canon typical violence, smut, fluff, Butcher being his usual grumpy and unreasonable self, nasty supes, guns etc.

After agreeing to meet up at the Flatiron Building, where The Boys have their current base of operations, Butcher stalks out of the conference room. His gait, as he squeaks down the hall, speaks volumes about how miffed he is about this particular set up. 

Eve watches him turn the corner and disappear. 

“That might be a problem, ma’am. He’s not exactly wild about the idea of working with MI6,” she says, turning back to Mallory. 

“He’ll come ‘round when he sees how useful you can be. Butcher is nothing if not pragmatic.” Mallory replies. She’s packing up Butcher’s file into her briefcase, motioning for Eve to follow her out of the door. “I’ll give you a lift back to your apartment hotel so you can change before heading over to the Flatiron. Butcher is right, you do look like an agent.” 

“I thought you’d have me meeting the usual CIA boys, ma’am. Hence the suit, they usually like when we all look alike,” Eve follows Mallory, who sniggers at the repeated ma’am. 

“I told you to drop that British politeness. You can call me Grace or Mallory.”

“Mallory then,” Eve smiles. 

The two women sign out of the building and make their way down to Mallory’s car. As they pull away from the curb Eve glances over at Mallory. 

“I don’t know if you’re aware, but Butcher’s negative reaction to this setup is partially on me.” 

“What do you mean? He doesn’t even know you?” Grace throws a quick look at Eve. 

“Butcher clocked me the second I opened my mouth,” Eve says. “We’re both from London but he’s from the East End and I’m from Chelsea. We’re from the same city but as far as Londoners are concerned, we might as well be from opposite sides of the galaxy. And I’ve met plenty of men like Butcher in my career and they all have a giant chip on their shoulder when it comes to people like me.” 

“People like you?”Mallory questions. 

“Upper class,” Eve responds. “People with my accent and background,” she half turns in her seat towards Mallory to make her point. 

“In Britain your accent always gives you away, where you were born, where you grew up, what schools you went to and, most importantly, what class you belong to. Butcher’s problem with this setup isn’t just about you forcing him to accept a new member onto his team. It’s also about who he’s being forced to work with, a toff from a system that has made sure that working class boys like him always know that their place is at the bottom of the hierarchy,” Eve turns back into her seat, facing the busy New York street, “This particular problem isn’t exactly a new one and it irks me.” 

“Can you win him over?” Mallory asks

“Yes, ordinarily. I’ve served with men like Butcher many times. They alway take issue with my background at first but once I’ve proved myself to them, shown that I have their back at all times and that I’m as loyal to the team as they are, they’re loyal to the death. They’re not bad guys, loyalty is everything to them, they’re just not very trusting of outsiders. But winning their trust takes time, usually months.” 

“We don’t have very much time, Edwards”. 

Eve knots her brows and absentmindedly taps her fingers on her thigh while she thinks. 

“Royal Marines” she mumbles to herself more than to Mallory. “I wonder who he served under.” 

Mallory throws a glance at Eve, 

“You have one thing going for you, although I dislike having to point it out,” she says. 

When Eve doesn’t immediately catch on she continues. “Butcher is, after all, a man. He might not like you now but he will respond like any other man to a more…feminine side of you.” 

Eve pulls a face that shows her dislike for where this suggestion is going.

“I’m not saying you should throw yourself at him,” Mallory continues, “Just let those red locks down, wear something that reminds him you’re a woman and maybe smile at him once in a while.” 

Mallory pulls up in front of a nondescript apartment building and stops the car while Eve frowns. 

“Listen, I know you’re a very capable operative and Butcher is an asshole, but he is the right kind of asshole. And we need him and his boys to find our target. Figure out a way to win him over or let your superiors in London know that we need an agent stateside that has the right kind of accent. I don’t have time for a British class war.”  

Mallory leaves Eve standing on the pavement in front of the apartment hotel that serves as her lodgings. The message was clear; fix this issue with Butcher or get replaced. She curses Butcher and her background as she takes the stairs up to her temporary apartment on the 6th floor. 

The apartment is sterile, white walls, faux wood floors and sparsely furnished; a queen bed pushed into one corner, kitchen table, two chairs and a sofa in the one room that doubles as living room and bedroom. The kitchen is the size of a large closet and the bathroom even smaller. The two windows face onto a narrow alley, the only thing that can be seen from the room is a brick wall and part of a window in the neighbouring building. 

She quickly strips down to her underwear and leaves the black suit in a pile on the bed. Standing in front of the built-in closet for a minute, she wonders what outfit would least offend “the right kind of arsehole Billy Butcher”. Eventually she decides on jeans, t-shirt and a jumper. 

“Not quite ready to play the feminine card yet,” she says to the reflection of herself in the closet mirror but she does take out the clip that’s held her hair up in a French knot. Maybe Mallory is right, can’t hurt. 

She rakes her fingers through her hair a few times, trying to calm the red waves a little before giving up. At the door she pulls on her battered standard issue combat boots, it’s the only shoes she has that will withstand a New York winter, but she’s also banking on Butcher recognising them. Finally she grabs her backpack and stuffs both gun and holster in it before pulling on her thick tweed coat. As an MI6 operative on active duty in the US she is allowed to carry a concealed gun, but trying to explain that to one of  NYPD’s finest takes time, so the gun stays in the bag for now. 

Chapter 3

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[bigbroadvice]

Hi, I want to preface this with the fact I was raised in a conservative home, homeschooled, and very .. insulated from people I guess. My first public schooling experience was college and I only made a few friends I kept at arms length for a while. So I don’t know a ton of people.

I have recently been questioning a lot about politics and religion and science (I was never taught about evolution either and am just now learning about it) and I am .. questioning LGBT stuff and I was wondering if you know of studies proving LGBT identities? Or evidence for them? I was raised being told they just didn’t exist and the idea that they could be real is .. I guess amazing to me. I’m so sorry if this sounds cruel at all. I support and love my LGBT friends, I just don’t understand if there’s any science or proof behind it and .. I’m kind of questioning if I’m LGBT too but I really need evidence or I know I’ll never be accepted by my family. Are there studies proving people can be born gay or trans? Or anything else? Something like that? I’ve found studies looking at trans brains that look promising and the hemispheres and hypothalamus of gay and lesbian people but idk if there’s anything else.. thank you in advance.

Sorry this took so long to respond. I felt like I needed to do some research for it but I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water with college work.

Don’t worry, this is a perfectly valid question given where you’re coming from and that’s exactly what I’m here for, all the questions you’re not sure who else to ask.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re already doing a really thourough job researching, in fact I’d love to see what you’ve found. I’m not sure what kind of scientific proof I could find for you that LGBT people are real. It’s like finding research that proves the sun is real. Of course it is, it’s right there. Queer people are everywhere and always have been.

But I understand that you were raised in an environment that went to great lengths to deny that reality. I was also homeschooled in a very conservative home and while they couldn’t outright deny the existence of queer people because I had some access to the outside world and knew I myself was queer, they did try their very hardest to explain it away as something you get infected with, confusion, a choice, and/or sin.

I don’t know all the science behind why people are queer, I just know that they are and there’s no changing it. Some people are naturally attracted to another sex, and some people are naturally attracted to the same one. Some people have always felt comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth, and some people never have and never will. People will try to tell you that can be changed, but it can’t. They used to try to medicate it like a disees but all that did was make people depressed or feel nothing at all, not start feeling attraction for the opposite sex.

Growing up, they told me that if I prayed enough and did all the right things I could stop being queer if I wanted it enough. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a lie. I went though years of conversion therapy and am still just as queer as I’ve always been. No amount of bible verses and earnest pleading prayers and counseling sessions and exorcisms was able to make that go away, it just made life miserable.

The only choice involved in being LGBT is weather you choose to love or hate yourself for it. It’s not going away, so you can either choose to live in shame and keep yourself from things that would make you happy, or you can embrace it and live freely.

If you’re looking for more avenues to research, I’d recommend queer history. It’s really eye opening seeing how queer people have always existed in every time period and every culture, through persecution and celebration. We have been and always will be here for as long as humanity is, because we’re an inextricable part of it.

[letterstonamjoon]

Equality

What do you think is gender equality?

Is it when women can do what men do?

“Globally, 20% contracts were from women-led companies, but they only contributed 1% revenue”. Yesterday, I participated in the opening of a women focus initiative of a large consumer manufacturing corporation. The reason is that most women's businesses are small and medium sized. So, is it fair to push businesses into women's hands and make them grow? If it were me, would I want to start my own business and become the owner of a large enterprise with several thousand employees? Or would I rather satisfy with the small size?

When I was a child, I always wanted to do the things boys do. One time, in a movie, there was a line about a character who looked like a boy: "Ah, that person urinates sitting down, so that's a woman." So from then on, I always urinated standing up when taking a shower, as if to prove that girls can urinate standing up too.

I read many stories about how disadvantageous it was to be a woman that during a period of my youth, I also thought the same thing. Such as bleeding once a month which was very tiring, pregnancy caused changes in the body and weakened health, and wives had many obligations in life, like managing the house, children, domestic and foreign affairs of both parties. I once wished that I was born as a boy.

I have a younger brother. Being born only 14 months after me, my younger brother is somehow like an older brother, the one who took my place in getting married and giving birth to grandchildren for my parents while I was still adventurous when I was young. In my generation, the ideology of favoring boys over girls is still very strong. Luckily, we are loved and treated fairly by our parents. In fact, because of our personality differences, I can even create more space for myself to live and experience the way I wanted.

The more I experience, the more I feel that being a woman is a privilege, not a disadvantage. Actually, I think whatever gender we are born into will have its own interesting experiences. I think the important thing is how we receive events, whether actively or passively. I wanted my child to be born, and enjoyed the days when the little creature grew up inside me with excitement and love. My gay friend also wants to be a parent, but it's not as easy as me finding a sperm. I don't want to worry about domestic or foreign affairs, so I did not get married to avoid the headache.

People are tired of having to follow social conventions, that being a woman has to be this or that. There is a saying in our place: "Women are good at country work and responsible for housework". If they practice according to that saying and feel happy, it's good. But if they feel unhappy because they have to be recognized as good women, then aren't they making themselves miserable? There is no guarantee that what everyone does is right. And if you know that's not right, then it's okay to go against the majority.

For some reason, I feel uncomfortable every time I hear about or have to attend a women's association, such as a women's entrepreneur association, or even receive flowers on International Women's Day. That discriminatory thinking itself has created inequality.

Back to the story of female entrepreneurs at the beginning. Have you ever thought why the 4 largest entertainment companies in Korea are in the hands of men? Why are men often better at business than women? In what fields are women often successful?

I think It's better to stop thinking about gender and just focus on respecting and supporting each individual to achieve their goals.

In your opinion, what is the measure of success for each gender (in their own minds)?

[systemadministratorclu]

Ask for the mun (blog owner), what do you like the most about Atlantis? (The movie)

That is not a simple question, my dear anon, because this is not a simple matter of 'like'. This absolutely batshit, balls-to-the-walls, crazy-ass thing literally changed my fandom path by being my first encounter with sci-fi.

It was also the first movie I really related to at all. I was six when it came out and I saw it in theaters. I originally didn't want to see this movie, but I came out loving what I had just seen. And just like that, I really didn't care about the normal princess movies anymore, because suddenly, there was a movie character, who was the hero of the story, like me out there.

I was a six-year-old girl, but I was also considered highly intelligent. I also wore glasses at the time because of a visual impairment I was born with. Both of these of course led to me feeling a bit....weird, and I did get shut out a lot, especially when I wanted to join established friend groups in play. So I usually turned to books (a teacher was mad one time because I was reading while she was teaching, despite the fact I was able to repeat the whole lesson back to her, proving I had still heard and learned the material even while reading)

See the parallels? Imagine being me watching this in theaters and suddenly, the main character WEARS GLASSES. And.....wait, he's also HIGHLY INTELLIGENT. A little further in and oh no, he's GETTING SHUT OUT BY AN ESTABLISHED FRIEND GROUP and PEOPLE THINK HE'S WEIRD. So while they all sit together, he's off by himself READING STACKS OF BOOKS. It was the first time I saw myself in a character. And so I wanted to be him whenever I got to actually play pretend (we really did that when I was a kid.). It may not have always been my main fandom, but Atlantis has been with me a long time (pretty much its entire existence)

But even outside the impact it had on me, the film still looks beautiful, even 22 years later. The 2D and 3D animation still blend seamlessly together, the scenery is gorgeous, the character designs are unique and fit each person so well. And then of course the music is wonderful ("Secret Swim" and "Crystal Chamber" are right up there with Daft Punk's Tron Legacy soundtrack).

The characters themselves are all memorable and have great chemistry, they don't try too hard for the jokes, so the humor doesn't feel forced at all. The emotions are all there and you feel them all.

Some parts of the story could be better (Rourke's motive, and a few plot holes), but nothing is perfect and it's still a good story (NERDS WIN!! NERDS WIN!! well, technically it's just one nerd, but a win is still a win). And besides, those errors are easily rectified through the magic of fanfic.

Sorry if you were hoping for just a simple answer, anon, but this matter is far from simple for me.

[forgottenyear]

I delete so much because it is too toxic. The stuff I delete tells me something about where my mind is. I do not like where I am right now, in my mind, so I decide to write something positive.

I decide to cover it up.

Denial was a key part of the dysfunction of the family. We are supposed to deny anything is wrong, because telling the truth was bad. Telling the truth is exaggerating for attention. For undeserved sympathy.

The truth was a forbidden cry for the intrusion of help that would upset the family.

When I finally ask for help, irl, I am totally broken.

--

I have patella femoral syndrome, which is where the kneecap is pulled to the side and wears through the cartilage on the underside. Counterintuitively, it is painful down the back of the legs, when it acts up.

I first discovered it on the descent of a day hike to the summit of a small mountain, several miles from the trailhead, and what turned into several hours from the end of the hike.

I slowly limped down the mountain. But as I passed a couple who were ascending, I stood up straight and hiked normally and made the usual trail talk, until they were out of sight, and then I began my slow limp again. I was capable of self-rescue, and I did not want to ruin their day with worry.

--

I do write toxic things. Things that are in my thoughts even in good times, but especially so in bad times. But I regret the rare times I have posted these thoughts. Even couched in disinfecting words, they are unhealthy.

I mostly delete toxic things I write. Or I dump them on readers and regret this bad action later.

I am that way about asking for help, also. I stutter and demure, until people no longer know if I do or do not need help. And when I do break and ask for help, they do not know if I truly need help.

--

I had an employer who saw everything I do with technology as magic. They did not understand, so it was a superpower. But when I would prove I could do this form of magic, but then say I cannot do that form, they would get angry that I was withholding my magic to be disobedient.

While the anecdote is not entirely pleasant, it is an analog of how I am seen by the world. I appear strong and determined and self-sustaining. I always appear this way. I hide when I struggle. So, when I ask for help, people no longer believe I am incapable of casting a spell to help myself. I never look like I am struggling, so I never struggle.

I never look like I am struggling because it is against the family rules to welcome the intrusion of help.

--

I have a painful memory of attempting, through the pointless medication that drastically slowed my thoughts (Pamelor), to explain this concept to the abusive doctor at the state hospital. Of being interrupted every time I tried to speak. (And of being told that my thoughts were not abnormally slowed because I was born this slow.)

[1004tyun-archive]

i said i would write you an essay to prove you i love you the most 😖🩷 so here i am

crystal 🥺🥺 when i met you i didn’t think we would end up messaging everyday all day hehe i was actually so worried that you’d find me boring and that the conversation would just die ><

we have talked about so much, in general, and yet it feels like i just never get tired of talking to you 🥺 you make me so happy, i feel so much better now that you’re in my life 🥺🩷 thank you so much for being in my life i feel so loved and appreciated >\\\< i feel like i really don’t deserve it which is why i want to give you more 🥺😭🩷

my little fairy of crystals, my crystal gem 💎🥺🩷 you’re so beautiful, nice, sweet, kind, talented, intelligent, my favorite writer, i love the way i get immersed into your stories you really have a way with words 🥺🩷 my favorite… i think is i love you and i want us both to eat well 🥺🩷 it’s the one i reread it the most… 🥺🩷 aaaah i love you so much <3333

i think i’m running out of things to say i wouldn’t want to repeat myself over and over 🥺 i love you 🥺🩷🩷🩷 and so does taehyun!!!

CHERRYYYYYYYYYYYYY

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS???!?

one thing is for sure, you’re a woman of your word. you said you’d write me an essay and you did just that! i don’t know what i expected!!

first of all, i cannot believe that you would ever think you would bore me considering every conversation we’ve had is anything but boring 😭 i feel like we always find something to talk about no matter what we talk about, we end up fighting about who loves the other more lol if anything, i thought you would find /me/ boring!

i could never ever imagine getting tired of you. it’s like you’ve cemented yourself into my daily life the way we talk everyday 🥺 i’ve learned over this weekend that a day without talking to you (or, let’s face it, even HOURS without talking to you) just feels wrong. it’s like i need you here so everything is okay, so you gotta stay by my side, okay? i’m not letting you go now that i’ve got you 🥺🩵 thank YOU for being here, thank you for pushing yourself to message me first, thank you for being you.

🚨 WEE WOO CORNBALL ALERT ‼️ CRYSTAL’S ABOUT TO GET SAPPY 🚨

i’ve always been a firm believer of people coming into your life when you need them most. so many things have happened to me that have proved this right time and time again, and you’re no different. i believe we found each other at the perfect time.

i abandoned this account for a couple of months and when i finally came back to it earlier this year, i was so tempted to delete it since my fic output was nonexistent and i wasn’t happy with any of my drafts but then i discovered kumi’s taehyun fic and i was like hmm maybe i’ll just stay as a reader account and quit writing but then you came along and we started talking and now i wouldn’t even dream of deleting this blog, not when it’s brought me to so many kind and amazing and talented people. not when it’s brought me to you, my dear <3

i’m so glad we’ve found each other. you continue to inspire me and warm my heart and just make everything so much better. i love learning more about you and finding out we have so much in common and bonding over the tiniest things 🥺

sometimes people say they were born in the wrong generation and (no matter how old we feel sometimes 😭😭) i wouldn’t ask for a more perfect time to be here, to have met you <3

people have called me a tsundere before and while i don’t think that’s completely false bc i’m kinda bad at expressing lovey dovey feelings it comes so naturally when it’s you 🥺 it’s so easy to love you, cherry. i sincerely and truly hope you know that

my sweet cherry bear, my happy pill, my hot choco fairy, my cottagecore princess 🥺🥺 you’re one of a kind, so softhearted and kind and beautiful and supportive and so lovely~ i hope we stay friends forever 🩵🩵 i love you so so much

i hope this isn’t too crazy but… i think you’ve dethroned taehyun in terms of who i think about more 😳 but don’t tell him! i don’t wanna hurt his feelings. there’s still enough room in my heart and mind for the both of you 🫶🏾🫶🏾

[theoutcastedartist]

How are you? I hope you are well.

Thank you. I know you probably meant to send this as a light thing, but unfortunately you caught me at a very off time

Warning for VENT post.

Ngl I'm probably gonna come off as super whiny and annoying so if you don't wanna see that, just ignore this. I really just can't fucking take it anymore. I'll probably delete this in the morning when the shame of my actions come to haunt me right before work. Haha. I'm still working on my normal art stuff, if you're wondering.

Technically thing have been good for me, I got my first STABLE job and it's working with dogs! And my manager is impressed with my serious work ethic

haha my overwhelming need to Not-Be-A-Disappointment-And-Prove-I-Am-More-Than-My-Deformities-Despite-Having-Them-Recitfied-With-Surgery-Meaning-Theyre-Not-Even-Noticable-And-Weird-"Girl"-Behavior-To-My-Own-Detriment comes in handy even after high school ... my knees... my ankles... they do not love me...

But yeah, as far as things are going, technically they are going well!

But honestly, I just want to curl up in a hole and cry. Not that I will anytime soon, given how I've learned at this point that me expressing genuine emotion that is not "Chill/Go with the Flow" is such a Weird Thing for everyone around me... I guess I'm still processing that I am An Actual Adult(tm) now and that I'm just too tired and scared of what the future will be... and just how lost I feel about where I even WANT to go in my life.

Especially when I've realized how much of my childhood was spent me being forced to act like an adult because of some of the people and circumstances surrounding my life, so I couldn't really properly, I guess, enjoy it???? There were so many good opportunities I missed, including two years of FREE COLLEGE because of a series of incidents with one of my parents... and medical neglect of my younger sibling's ATV accident injury, which turned into a WHOLE other mess I had to miss almost 2 weeks of school for... right before going online for COVID-19 too... sigh.

Idk I just wish I could have done more with the time I had before graduating high school like 5 months ago. I was top of my class, but now it just feels like I'm letting everyone who ever believed in me for whatever reason down for not immediately going to college.

And like I KNOW it doesn't matter what others think I should or shouldn't do in regards to taking a break from school or just my own life in general, but it still doesn't make it any easier for me mentally I guess. I just feel guilty and awful and like I'm back in elementary school again, except it's with people who now have insanely high expectations of me because I've always "Beaten the Odds Againt Me", "The Will Power to Go Far in Life" or whatever of that sort of bs rather than "Born Deformed, is Weird, and Most Likely Won't Make it Far in Life" kind of expectation.

It just feels like one thing after another and I'm just... so tired of it. I'm tired of forcing myself to spin just shit awful situations as a positive thing for everyone else's comfort (oh a "Learning Experience" or "Now I'm More Prepared for the Future" and "This Would be Good for a College Application" lmaoo)

Especially with all the recent stuff I've realized, like how my parents treat my siblings and I is probably some form of abuse (something I did not want to confront for years) and just how fucking traumatized I am (haha no wonder my fav is Sad Little White Boy from TOH).

And literally yesterday, my mom's car, who I rely on as transport to and from work, broke down when she had gone to take my siblings to the dermatologist to get a mole checked out (turns out it was completely fine and normal, as I 100% expected).

So while I was at work, my younger siblings were stranded with our god awful mother at god knows where since around 10 am, and couldn't be picked up until my brother called my geometry teacher from MY freshman year of high school (and his best friend's mom) to go pick them up, and then come pick me up after my shift ended, which I had no clue about until I was walking out of the door of my workplace and saw them waiting for me, I was fully expecting to walk home that afternoon in my wet and nasty scrubs, reeking like an actual doghouse (cause I work with the doggos as my job), under direct heavy sunlight, and 90 degree heat. So I at least avoided walking then. Today I was lucky enough to have my dad be my transport, and tomorrow morning he can drop me off an hour before my shift starts. Though I'm worried for tomorrow after work and I'm worried about what the weather might be like (given there's a hurricane/tropical storm coming and all that...) and if it'll be safe for me to even walk home.

I don't know anyone at work well enough to give me a ride, no matter how many times my dad tells me to "just ask". The guilt of being any sort of burden to anyone will always be heavier to me than any consequences as a result of not asking or accepting any kind of help. Like I'd rather walk three hours to get home in the pouring rain and risk getting hit by some idiot driver while crossing the street, than ask someone to drop me off on the way when my house is like literally 5 minutes away by car.

It's so stupid I don't even understand why I'm like this and thinking about it makes me wanna cry, but I CANT cry because it's inconvenient for everyone else and I just generally S U CK at processing my own emotions and its a complete waste of time to try and do so and my stupid intrusive thoughts won't leave me the fuck alone when I'm in the middle of doing BASIC ASS CHORES.

And I just fucking resent my parents so much for all the shit they put me through over the years, making me be the "voice of reason" between any arguments between them. They willingly decide to have their fights in front of me and then try to egg me into joining them. Like literally over the period of time where I was stuck at home looking for work online, I would just be eating my lunch at the table in the emptiness of the house and the minute the two of them happen to be under the same roof, they decide to bitch at each other RIGHT IN FRONT OF WHERE I AM EATING.

There is a WHOLE ASS HOUSE for you two to bitch at each other and yet you do it RIGHT. I FRONT. OF. ME. while I'm eating noodles too... asshole.

Hell, my mom is literally the reason my siblings and I ended up in the foster care system for TWO. FUCKING. YEARS. They almost separated me from one of my siblings because of his autism and ADHD (and you know how fuck awful the system is to older kids who are deemed to be "problematic") combined with my "low self-esteem" and Cleft Lip nonsense going on at the time too. I don't even want to think what would have happened had I not begged my fosterdad for two weeks straight to take in my other sibling too. It's super rare for fosterhomes to take in sibling pairs, much less a Trio like my brothers and I.

Nevermind how shitty all the "court ordered" therapists I've ever had are. Literally one of them would belittle me and my problems, acted like I was too stupid to talked to like a normal person. She was suppose to help me with my "low self esteem" with these stupid packets and instead turned it into a trigger for me like 5 years later lmaoooo

Literally happened during my AP psych class, my teacher brought up "low self-esteem" and "fostercare" in the same sentence (and some kid made a Shazam joke I think???) and I immediately had a silent panic attack at my desk with my head down.

God and on top of being a foster kid, my 5th grade teacher just fucking had to OUT ME as one to the entire class. A foster kid to gay parents, you can imagine how that school year went.

Like how goddamn petty as an adult do you have to be to repeatedly target a 5th grader??? No because that shit stressed me out so much at the time on top of everything else, on top of being bullied by the other girls, the teacher even fat shaming me a couple times (when at the time I was VERY unnaturally thin, no matter how much I tried to gain weight.) I legit started ripping out chunks of my hair from my scalp during class and peeling the skin off my fingers with my teeth to the point of bleeding as a very fucking up coping mechanism that "soothed" me. The only reason any kind of school intervention was made because the assistant principal happened to do a classroom observation on my teacher on a particularly bad day for me where the teacher made me sit all the way at the front of the class and the environment of the class happened to be very overwhelming to my brain too. I remember it so vividly too it felt like this fuck awful metallic buzzing noise before everything became totally silent for a good 10 minutes.

I just hope and pray to whatever god or being of higher power out there that I NEVER have to hear that noise ever again. It was just so bad, whatever it was...

I literally still have a couple hidden bald patches than haven't recovered since like the rest of my hair and I still chew at the skin of my fingers at the first instance of me being stressed. They're always so sore...

I'm just so fucking tired. Of everything. I just wanna skip to the part of my life where I'm not walking on eggshells every waking moment of my life. I just wanna have my own space cuddled up on a rainy day with a pet. I wanna be able to cry freely and just not have to worry for once. I can't even remember a time where I was ever TRULY happy, even as far back as elementary school there wasn't a moment where I didn't want to dissappear.

I just want to be held while I cry and be told that everything will be okay, but that's not going to happen so there's no point in hoping for that to ever happen.

ANYWHO I HAVE A ZOOM MEETING FOR WORK IN LIKE 30 MINUTES I AM NOT OKAY :D

[0613magazine]

221010 Proof Collector's Edition

JIN

Between the past, present, and future, which one do you think of as most important?

The present is the most important. There are times when I am submerged in the past, but I usually think more about how happy I am currently and how I should act right now, so I think I put the present as the most important. As for the future, my future self will deal with it. 

The word “past” what does it mean to you?

I live with the past soaking me but I don’t tend to remember much about the hardships that I’ve gone through. I always only have good memories about the past remaining in my head. While reminiscing the good memories, I live thinking “ah, it was good back then’. I probably will always continue to live like this even in the future. So for me, the past is ‘moments that I always miss, moments that are only filled with good moments’. 

What is your first-ever memory?

It was about when I was two or three, I was playing with a wireless racing car and the antenna that was on it got stuck in my eyes. So my mom saw the antenna that was hanging from my eyes, got surprised and was trying to take me to the hospital. At that time, my mom said “what do we do!” That is my first ever memory. 

There is also another interesting memory. It was when I was five. At that time, the apartment that I lived in had pink flowers that I could suck on and would taste like honey. The flower was so pretty, I said “Oh, a flower, pretty.” while walking, and a giant bumble bee flew towards me, who was very small at that time. I have a memory of running to kindergarten to get away from that bee. It was scary but the surroundings were very beautiful. 

What is your first meaningful place/space?

When I was fifteen, we lived in a two-story house. In the second-floor living room, there were two computers placed side by side. The left computer was my older brother’s, the right computer was mine. I used the computer often there. So that space is the most memorable place. So it’s meaningful. On Saturday, the sunray came in while I was playing a game secretly from my parents and I liked it the most when I was playing a game while feeling the sunray hit me. 

When was the “Moment of Proof”?

When I got accepted to college. Before that, I was just a student who wasn’t that good at his studies, just an average student, but just with huge luck, I got accepted to college. It was the first time I got recognized by not just my family but also by people around me. 

Not to the world but is there something you want to prove to yourself?

I am not sure if it’s because I don’t really think deeply, I don’t have anything like that. I am the type of person who just does things right away if I feel like I want to do something. For example, if I want to do boxing, I don’t go to the gym in person to spar, but I’ll lightly toss my fist (around). If something pops up in my head, I will immediately ‘touch’ it, but don’t fall deeply into it. So I don’t really have thoughts of proving something to myself. 

In your mind, how old do you put yourself as?

Twenty seven, eight. Around that point, friends around the similar age range as me also don’t seem to count their age. So when someone asks my age, I don’t say how old I am, I just answer that I was born in 92. There is also the reason that I can’t remember my age well.  

While living as BTS, do you think there was a change that made Kim Seokjin, as an individual, more clear or blurred?

Up until 2-3 years ago, Jin of BTS and Kim Seokjin were separate. But from when I got in my thirties, I’m not sure if it’s because the activity period was long but Jin and Kim Seokjin merged. So Kim Seokjin, the individual, faded for quite a long time and became clear again when he merged with Jin. 

How similar is your usual self in your daily life compared to the BTS member (you are) shown to the world?

I think it is about 95% similar. It would be different based on who it would be. To those who can accept me / get along when I act the same, I will be seen as similar. To people who can’t go along with it/ can’t accept it well, it will look different. But even with that, I think myself and myself in real life are almost the same.

When do you find yourself as “yourself” the most?

When I talk about really unnecessary trivial things, the situation when someone would go along with that talk, I find myself as myself the most.

What is “you yourself as it is” like?

Person who is always mischievous, does not really like serious stuff, and talks a lot of trivial things. I think I am the type of person who lives towards a direction where I can personally be happy rather than living with deep thoughts and debates.

Is the current ‘Me’ and the past ‘Me’ different?

It’s very different. The ‘Me’ in the past was always very pessimistic. I was busy thinking about unfortunate/unhappy things. The current ‘Me’ lives without those thoughts. Even if there is not a very good thing happening I would just think ‘It can happen’ and don’t really think much about it. The irony is, even if I am happy I don’t think happiness lasts that long. Even if there is a good thing, rather than being really happy about it, I also pass it as not a very big deal. Because I believe that another moment of happiness will come again next time. My personality itself changed.

Is there something you put effort into, to make yourself more clear?

I don’t necessarily put my effort into it but, l think just living like this itself is making my life more clear. I think if I were to live more seriously and oppressively, my colors would be blurred. 

Is there something that doesn’t change?

My handsome face? Being such a consistent person as always also doesn’t change. (laughs)

Who would be the person that would be able to talk about you well the most?

I would say, myself? For me, my personality changes a lot depending on who’s dealing with me. If someone accepts my pointless talk, I continue the conversation. I would also have serious talks to match with the other person as well. So I think it would be hard for someone else to say exactly what type of person I am. 

Looking back, what was the darkest moment for you?

It was around the “Fake Love” era. I think it was a timing where the members were all a little bit exhausted. The schedules were tight, and with many different reasons. I think we were lacking the time to rest and think. But, there were times when we were able to sometimes get some rest time and those days seemed like light to me. 

If you were to write a letter to yourself in the past, what would you want to write?

Myself in the past would be doing well on their own. So I see the necessity to send him something. But, if I were to write something, I think I would write, “enjoy the present, enjoy the situation.”

During the day, what time do you think it’s your time for yourself?

I consider the moment I sit in front of the computer after I get off work, is my time, but because the time of getting off work is different every time, I can’t specify.

If there is something in life that is an indispensable existence, what would it be?

Of course, the fans are people who are very necessary and precious to me, so I will not mention them specifically in detail. Next, would be my computer and phone. Without it my life won’t function well. So, I will pick my computer and my phone.   

How fast in km do you think you are going right now?

30km? For a moving car, it’s a pretty slow speed. I think currently I am going at a speed where I can look around at everything relaxed. The actual speed, I think, is going fast at 80-100km but, it’s most likely because of my personality I am not accepting it as that big. So, there is a difference in the speed that I feel.

Do you have a belief that you uphold firmly?

‘Let’s live lightly. That’s how you will feel happy in the present’  

If there is something you are focusing on these days, what would you say it is?

There isn’t anything that I am able to say I am focusing on. But, there is a lot that I’ve been ‘touching’. I’ve touched tennis, been touching piano once in a while, I’ve touched a little bit of getting to work by bicycle, and touched little bits and bits of working on songs. I tend to just move into action when there is something in my head that pops up that I feel like I want to do.

Is there a thought you always think about before going to sleep everyday?

During the days I rest, I think “ah, I lived a very peaceful day today as well.” Then I fall asleep with a very proud heart. It would mean that I have given myself a real rest that day. Every person’s standard of actual full rest is different. It will depend on what you are satisfied with. For me, real full rest is spending my time meaninglessly and calmly. That is when I feel proud.

Out of the dreams you had recently, is there any that is memorable?

I don’t think there is one. I don’t tend to have many dreams and even if I do have one, I forget everything. Ah! These days I have a dream about sleeping when I am sleeping. If I am sleeping on the bed, I dream about sleeping on the bed, if I am sleeping in the car, I have a dream about sleeping in the car.

If you could leave to go somewhere right now, where would it be?

A warm forest where a sunray comes in and there are no bugs. A forest where I can sleep on grass, I think a forest like that would be good.

Which color do you think best describes you?

I think pink. In the past I did have moments when I thought the color was burdening. But seeing fans liking moments where I looked good in outfits, music videos, or places that had pink in, I started liking it too. It is a color that I personally slowly liked because fans liked it. 

If you were to put yourself as a scent, which scent would it be?

It would be a comforting scent. I do think that my personality is shown as a person who is not very picky and so I’m portrayed to others as a comfortable image. So a scent where many people can feel comfort.

If you were to look at life as one road, how far do you think you came now?

I think I’ve reached about 80%. I think that in my lifetime I won’t have such a spectacular time again than what I am currently living in right now. I feel that the time I am able to enjoy the enormous honor as BTS is right now. Few years back I also thought that it was right that moment, 2 years ago I also thought that it was right that moment so it has been constantly ‘right this moment’. I think the ‘right now’ is continuing. 

If there is a door at the end of this road that you are passing, what do you think is behind the door?

Guess there will be another new life/third life? My first life was when I was a student, my second life is life as BTS. So I think after that, there will be another new road as BTS and as Kim Seokjin. I like things laid back. So perhaps I would be living my life like that, enjoying and being lazy. But I think I would still be working. If I don’t work, it’s boring and would feel insecure.

Do you think you are currently standing in a crossroad of change?

1-2 years ago I was. I no longer think negative thoughts, that is the biggest change in my lifetime. I didn’t necessarily have a moment/motivation. I just naturally changed as time passed.

Do you believe there is a predestined fate?

Yes, I believe there is. But, I also think that even that fate can change little by little; depending on how you act, how hard you put effort, and what kind of choices you make.

If you were to make a documentary about yourself, which song do you want to put on ending credit?

I would like “Spring Day”. There is this image of cherry blossom flowers fluttering down that this song gives. If I were to put this song in, it can bring up the image of that and I think the message of “I lived a very good life, it was a touching life. Lived a life like a movie.” can be expressed well through it.

Personally, what is the most meaningful album out of the whole BTS discography? 

I would say, the album that had “Spring Day”, <YOU NEVER WALK ALONE>. I really think that it is really hard for songs like “Spring Day” to come out. No matter how good a song is, if time passes you tend to forget, but the songs in this album, I feel that it’s good every time I hear it. So, I personally think it’s an album that has a meaning to me.

MOON

What does this song mean to you?

For a while, for my solo songs I did songs that were serious and heavy. So I wanted to give an image change since I thought people thought I only did songs that were heavy. It’s a song I worked hard making because I wanted to do a song that was bright. I feel more special about it as the lyrics were also well written while thinking about the fans and me. 

How did you feel when you first heard this song?

Usually I have the same feeling when I receive my solo songs, and this song I also thought ‘it’s good’. I like it because it’s bright!

Back then and now, did your impression about the song change?

When I first heard it, my heart beat hard but I’m not sure if it’s because I heard it too much so the beating is not as hard now. (laugh) But the image I feel about it is still similar. At first when I just heard the melody, it gave me a ‘green green’ bright feeling, and now after the lyrics got added those images got darker and the image of moonlight shining in between the scenery pops up into my head. Walking down those roads and I see the bright green trees again and see myself who is walking on that road. I am liberal arts major. (laugh)

In the lyrics ‘Moon’ has an image of shining alone but hiding its scars, ‘Earth’ has an image of one that in many ways accepts everything, having two opposite images, which one ‘Moon’ or ‘Earth’ do you see yourself more closer to?

Moon. Mood is very beautiful when you look from afar but if you see it through an astronomical telescope you are able to see the scars on the back of the moon. I also want to only show beautiful sides to people, like the Moon’s front view. I want to hide the other side. So I think I am closer to ‘Moon’. ‘Earth’ is pretty when you look from afar and when you look up close as well. I want to shine moonlight when the Earth is dark.

When was the moment you shine the brightest?

The moment when many people are watching me. So, I think I would say concert. That moment, I believe I am already experiencing it, many multiple times.

Are you more of a type that takes care of others or someone who gets taken care of?

I am neither. I am a type that says I do my part myself and you do your part on your own. So, getting taken care of by someone is a little uncomfortable for me. I feel that I am more comfortable with doing things myself whatever it is. I’m the type that is most comfortable taking care of my own self. 

To people around you, which one do you think you are, more of  ‘a person who can talk about dreams’ or ‘a person I can share my thoughts and concerns’? 

I think ‘a person who can talk about dreams’. Someone who can talk about dreams can talk about nonsense continuously. You can go to the end of the world with just talks like that. (laugh) But if you were to share real life concerns, we will have to talk about serious things, and the atmosphere gets heavy. So, I don’t tend to have those types of conversations. 

Jamais Vu

What does this song mean to you?

I did perform this song once through an online concert but it’s a song that was a little bit of a shame that I got to only show the performance once. When I was preparing for this performance, j-hope, Jungkook, and I talked about some trivial things in the interview. Saying while doing the choreograph, what if the stage goes up to the sky while the beanstalk from <Jack and the Giant Beanstalk> goes up to the sky and as I fall from it I do an adlib. (Laugh)

Recently did you have an experience where something that you are used to felt very unfamiliar?

I didn’t have experience where something familiar felt unfamiliar but I did have experience where unfamiliar things felt familiar. Like people who I wasn’t comfortable with now feel comfortable. For example, people like Bang Sihyuk PD and the board members, when I approach them familiarly, I do think, ‘was our relationship like this, they were difficult (to approach) before.’ 

While being BTS, was there a moment where you felt something was unfamiliar/strange?

I didn’t have any because BTS is just my life. If anything, if I quit BTS that would be the most unfamiliar/strange feeling for me. 

Did you have experience having trial and error?

There are things that I would know myself, “this is definitely something I shouldn’t do”, For example, I have thoughts like “If I eat this I would gain weight” But can’t help it. Are there specific solutions to that? You just live eating what you want and do things that you want to do.  

If you were a character in a game, what would your level be?

I would be a pro. I would have probably hit “max” level. So I would try when there is new content in the game, find events that are hidden in little corners of the game, or be helping out a newbie.

Between ‘someone who you can share happiness’ and ‘someone who you can share your loneliness/sadness’ which do you like more?

A ‘person you can share happiness’. When you share happiness it’s good. It’s good to have conversations like, “You were able to achieve that? That’s amazing” You can also turn sadness/loneliness to happiness! If you were to give a game as an example, if someone’s item broke, not my own, I can laugh and say “I am feeling so happy because your item exploded(broke)”. Then you can share anything as happiness.

What does the album <Proof> mean to BTS?

I think that <YOU NEVER WALK ALONE> album was the first wrap out of many stages that we took to mature. With that, I think <Proof> album is an album that we could comprehensively wrap up all the growth stages that we were lacking. As we include various messages, unreleased songs that we like, after many considerations. Now I think we can move on to the next.

English translation by: bomharu1230 Photo credit: mahoneysuga

[medusas--cascade]

We seem to have never ending fights. He raised breaking up yesterday, out of how hurt he was. It seems as if our conflict styles are just so irreconcilable. I'm so tired of this, and I think we're going to break up soon. It's just a feeling you get, and I can't necessarily explain it. I guess to be logical about it, my brain is picking up on multiple signs

that I don't love him

that he's not a good partner anymore

that he won't be a good partner in the future

that we won't have a happy and stable future together

that if we have kids I'd be ashamed and disappointed that that's their father

that we're disconnected from each other

that I actually don't care about him

I guess he's being malabo at the moment, which is already a bad sign. One thing that was always good about him was the sense of stability that he came with. We even had a discussion about how men can't be the flimsy one, they had to the bedrock or the foundation of a relationship and the moment they are flimsy, the relationship is bound to fail.

I do know I've been extra emotional and he's been taking the brunt of it. But I also feel so disconnected from him. He does so much for me -- but is that a reason to be in love with someone? Isn't it better for the two people to do so much for the other? Am I ever going to be willing to exert myself for another person?

I understand that we haven't been together that long, and a lot of the misunderstandings are things we can iron out along the way, but it's proving to be more taxing than ever before. I don't know if this is my worst relationship or not, or just the one where we fight the most. I wouldn't even know the difference anymore with how heated and hurtful our conflict gets.

I also don't honor our promises and commitments to each other, mostly because I disagree with them. Examples would be never masturbating when we're alone or talking to these "people from my past" who honestly are just friends and aren't threats to the relationship. I have kept this hidden for a good while because there's no point in telling him then us fighting even more than we do now. But I guess this shows that I'm willing to hurt him (I guess lying in it of itself is hurting him), and why it doesn't bother me anymore to hurt him. Perhaps I've degraded my feelings towards him and this relationship, but is it really my fault that he's so unreasonable and makes my life so difficult when I'm not even doing anything wrong? I guess this shows more about me, and how I'm unwilling to fully commit to the promises I make to someone for as long as it benefits me. It's the kind of thing that I'd only be sorry if I got caught. But I did feel guilty for a while before, which is only assuaged by the fact that I know, if the roles were reversed, he'd lie to me too. I guess I do see him as a threat, and as someone who'd lie to me. I don't even know if I trust him. I guess there are trust issues that come with someone who has a past -- but he's able to trust me despite my past & my mistakes. Maybe I should trust him and shouldn't see him as a competitor anymore. Maybe that'll help. Maybe I ought to also treat him more like a friend, because tbf, he is my best friend. Or he could be if I let him.

Ultimately, I guess our conflict and state right now is born out of resentment and a lack of trust. I wonder if this is something that can still be repaired. I'm glad I'm with someone who shares a similar worldview that we should be committed despite tough times, but it's with someone whom I'm not even sure is worth it anymore. I feel my love for him fading day by day, so I have to remind myself why I should be fond of him and loving towards him.

[shiroo-392]

I’m sharing my body with another person, like a household you share with a roommate. It’s not like a completely different person; it’s more like another me—a weird, robotic, and monotone side of me. I think, act, talk, and move differently. I noticed a strange change inside me a while ago. This side of me only makes my life harder to bear. As someone who already has mental issues, I simply do not understand.

My body feels like a cage sometimes, making my chest ache. I want to scream and be free, but in the next moment, everything changes. My body feels hollow and incomplete, as if part of me has disappeared—that part is myself. I disappear into my own body, my own world. My thoughts wander around in my head, which feels empty but still crowded with so many things. It doesn’t make sense. I start to question myself. Questions that my brain doesn’t understand. However, there is no reason for my sudden personality change.

I don’t feel real. Everything is unreal. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. If I believed this was all just an illusion, I would have ended my life when I was 10. Since this doesn’t matter, right? So how am I still here? Because I’m human. I have a heart and feelings. I couldn’t bear seeing my mom cry because of me. I am stupid—a half-hearted person who can’t handle living or dying. There is no other way but to believe this is real and continue living for my mom’s sake. An illusion that keeps me trapped here, as I said to myself. That just proves that I’m making no sense. So why do I think like this?

When I told my mother this, there were two ways of thinking: am I just sick for thinking this, or is the other side of me right? If that were the case, I had no idea how she would have reacted, finding out the truth of my illusion. Reality is the truth. Does that mean it’s fake? Am I just fake? But, thinking like my first self, all of this is just an attempt to escape the hard reality. So here I am, answering all my own questions. I just struggle with myself and attempt to escape this pain.

My mother’s reply was: “I wish you wouldn’t have been born to feel all of this. I’m sorry.” She thought I was sad. But I never understood what I was feeling. If this is sadness or something else, I wish I could be normal. I wish Mom would have the happiness she deserves.

I assume every person, or at least many people, ask what the meaning of life is. Why do we exist? What’s the point of it? What’s the point of survival and evolution? I don’t seem to understand why adults like living, why they feel happiness, anger, or sadness. Some people say the point of living is to survive, live a long and happy life, and watch evolution happen, even though we know our lives will end.

Could someone explain what I am feeling and what’s the reason to live and die? Isn’t there an end to evolution? Why is my brain not in a state to understand? Is it normal for me to think people who want to live are dumb? Why does this side of me think like this? I just want to understand. No, I want to be normal.

If this is what it means to be alive and grow up—questioning all this just to die again—I do not want to live. However, I’ll just wait until my lifetime is over, and I’ll finally find the freedom I have always wanted.