#so he’s dead to me moving on to my other brother aka now my ONLY brother | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rubydubydoo122 · 2 months

Text

In every universe Jason Peter Todd dies young. It’s a fate sealed across the multiverse. Maybe he could hope that there’s one universe where he doesn’t. aka, Jason, Dick, and Bruce go multiverse hopping, and are not having a fun time. (Ps, when I started writing this fic I hced Jason as Latino, but I don't really believe in that hc anymore, so just a heads up if you don't like that hc)

TRIGGER WARNING -> Hey... I don't think there are any this chapter!

It felt like ice was settling in Jason’s chest. He wasn’t Robin. He was no longer a street kid. He wasn’t Robin. He was no longer a street kid. He wasn’t Robin, he was no longer a street kid, he was safe.

He was supposed to be safe.

Why was he dead?

He was supposed to live. He had a life outside of living to the next day or saving Gotham.

Why did he die?

Why does he keep dying?

He looked to Bruce, whose eyes were rimmed red from the crying he was doing earlier. Then to Dick, who was standing unnaturally still.

“ What did I do?” he wasn’t sure if he shouted it at the top of his lungs or barely even whispered it. “What did I do wrong?”

Dick snapped himself out of his transe, “Jason you didn’t do anything–”

“I had to have done something. I had to have done something so fucked on a cosmic scale.” He pulled at his hair, hard, to stop his eyes from burning, “I keep dying. I keep dying. That Jason had a good life. He was finally safe. He had no reason to die. He had a good life. He was happy. He was beyond loved.” His breath hitched and he knew he couldn’t stop the dam of emotions that were flooding over. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Why do I have to die? Why don’t I get a happy ending? Why don’t I deserve one?”

Before he could tell what was going on he was back in his Dad’s arms. One hand at the base of his head and the other rubbing circles into his shoulder. In the way he used. Just like he used to.

“Jay, lad, you listen to me, and you listen to me closely. You haven’t done anything to deserve the fates that have been handed to you. You were a child. One who was forced to grow up too fast, when all you should’ve been allowed to do was live. You deserve to live. And you are living right now.”

He felt Dick cling onto the both of them, “Maybe the universe is cruel. Maybe you had a shitty ending, but it was a shitty ending to your prologue. You got a second chance, and Bruce and I will do everything to make sure you get a happy ending. Because that’s what you deserve.”

And that’s why he let them in, all those years ago. Because they cared . They both really cared. About Jason.

Bruce moved one of his arms so he was also holding Dick, “You’re my boys. My boys. And I’ll always get you two back.”

Jason buried his face into Bruce’s shoulder. He remembers there used to be a time where he’d hug Bruce and barely make it past his ribs. He used to only be able to rest his chin on Bruce’s shoulder if Bruce was kneeling.

Despite how much Jason has grown, he still feels so small. And he’ll let himself feel that way. Because he’s not alone anymore. He has his dad and brother to protect him.

They realized it was mid February of 2017. Meaning this universe’s Jason was 16. So it was most likely another Zombie Jason. So they made the decision to sit the universe out. Except, after a day they were still there. Then two, then they started to get restless. So Dick and Jason went out for a little food run, and they came back with three sacks of oranges and a Dick had gotten a bag of edibles.

They came back to the motel to the sound of the news. And a Dick who was high as balls

Dick ripped open the bag or oranges and squinted at the screen, “Huh, didn’t realize Tim wore yellow pants.”

Jason also looked at the screen. The Robin who was currently on screen, leaped over a sentient vine, wearing Jason’s yellow snow pants, and green combat boots. “That’s not Tim, that’s me.”

“Oh yeah…Tim has his…staff.” Dick took out a bunch of oranges and started juggling them.

Bruce sighed from where he was making adjustments to the beacon design. Though, Jason doesn’t understand why he keeps adjusting it. It’s useless if it’s on paper. “Are you two high right now?”

Dick raised an eyebrow at Bruce, “Come on, Bruce. I’m an adult capable of making my own responsible decisions.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “Come on Bruce, you know I rarely accept pain killers. And this is a Gotham pre- me cleaning up the whole drug trade.”

Bruce looked to Dick, “Edibles?” he nodded, “Give.” Dick dug the bag of gummies from his pocket and handed it to Bruce. He looked from Jason, to Dick, then back to Jason, “I trust you checked if it was clean.”

“It’s literally my job. Been doing it since I was 18.”

Bruce had that face like he wanted to say something, but shrugged and popped a gummy in his mouth.

Batman doing edibles. Now there’s a sight.

They focused back on the screen where Batman and Robin were closing in on Poison Ivy, Robin ran towards Batman, where they locked hands as Robin leaped, and threw a kick to Ivy’s head, knocking her out cold. Jason frowned, “That was like… a six.” Robin looked quite winded by that, which was weird because he knew he should have more energy like that.

The camera panned to Vicky Vale on the screen, “That was the fifth rogue of the month. And it’s not even Valentines. They’re really putting Batman and Robin through the ringer.”

“Oh my god, Bruce,” Dick suddenly stopped juggling the oranges they had bought. “It's the winter of hell.”

“What’s the winter of– oh wait, isn’t it when Bane snaps Bruce’s back like a toothpick?”

“Yes, though, that was because, I’ll admit, I was burnt out by the mass Arkham Asylum breakout, and I refused to ask for help.”

“Don’t worry, Old Man. It was part of your character development.”

The screen panned from Ivy in handcuffs, and Batman talking to Commissioner Gordon, to Robin, pulling his cape over his shoulders and walking over to the Batmobile. His breaths were coming out unnaturally even, meaning he was trying to control how tired he looked. Still he flashed a smile at the camera and sat in the passenger seat.

Bruce set down his pencil, “Robin probably has a test this week.” He must’ve seen Jason’s confused expression, “You used to keep your notes in the Batmobile the week leading up to a test. You would stay in the Batmobile and study while I talked to Commissioner Gordon.”

Dick tossed Jason a peeled orange, “Nerd.”

“Yet, I can still lift more than you, bro.” Jason pulled apart a piece and tossed it in his mouth.

Bruce held out his hand for an orange. Dick grabbed one out of the bag for him, and Bruce started peeling it. “The next attack is in two days, and it’s–”

“Oh! Let me guess. My man, Eddie Nygma. Aka, the Riddler.”

“No, it’s the Joker and the Scarecrow.”

“Huh. I hate both of them. When do they make an appearance?”

“In… two days.”

Dick started munching on his orange, “Damn, we got sent back early.”

Bruce tossed Jason half of the orange he just peeled, “Maybe the force that is pinballing us across the multiverse knows our thoughts and feelings.” He said it in a way that indicated he was joking.

Jason blinked, “Hold up. Bruce, you might be onto something. What were you guys thinking of right before we all got hit with the beam? And be so honest with me right now.”

Dick frowned, “I don’t really remember, just that I had to make sure you were safe.”

“I was thinking about how the machine Black Mask had used was a prototype and had never been used before. I…I thought I was going to lose you again.”

Ok, that’s what Jason had thought, “And how about after the first Jay who died?”

“I was thinking about how small you were. And how you were too young to die.”

Dick nodded, “I was thinking the same thing, but then I think I had a line of thought like ‘if we’d found Jason earlier on the streets, he wouldn’t’ve been that small.’”

Jason grinned, “Ok, so I’m pretty sure us being pinballed around the multiverse has something to do with the Law of Attraction.”

Bruce grunted, “That’s just a placebo–”

Dick hushed him, “Do you have magical swords, Bruce? No. Let our supernatural expert speak.”

“As you know, the Law of Attraction states that thoughts and energy have the power to shape a reality. When we first got hit, Bruce was thinkin’ of me dyin’, so we got thrown into a reality where I died. Then the second reality was a merging of you thinkin’ I was too young to die, and you thinking of findin’ a little Jason on the streets. And at that point, Bruce was trying to figure out a pattern and the only thing his brain could latch onto was–”

“You being dead.”

“Yes! Yes exactly. And we’ve just been spiraling and spiraling and spiraling. And, hm, maybe the reason why this Jason is our first one older than 15 is because in the last one, we thought he would live longer. Ya know?”

Dick hummed, “So you’re saying if we think happy thoughts, this Jason will live?”

“Well, not happy , per say, just not overly pessimistic. Like ‘ Jason will live’ is a great line for manifestations. Obviously, the Law of Attraction isn’t the law of the land, there are certain events that are written in the–” Jason snorted as he suddenly remembered something, “Canon Events. There are Canon Events, but like other details are always changing. That’s why I hate looking into the future. Drives me nuts, bolts and bananas. I bet my canon event is stealing Bruce’s tires.”

“You literally said you were Uncle Ben–”

“Upapapapa,” Jason wagged his finger at Dick, “That sounds like some negative affirmations. Gimme another orange. Doc told me I’ll get scurvy.”

Dick burst out into laughter while Bruce whipped his head to Jason so fast, he was afraid he’d get whiplash, “Jason! You’re not allowed to have citrus!”

“Yes I am.”

“Oh. Ok.” Bruce immediately relaxed, “I could’ve sworn you weren’t though. Something about the Ascorbic acid reducing melanin production.”

“Only if it’s too much. Tis a delicate balance.”

Dick handed Jason another peeled orange, “Don’t get scurvy, bro.”

“Thanks. I can feel it fading as we speak.” Jason chewed on a piece, “Anywho, positive vibes, or else I’ll be dismal.”

“But being dismal isn’t good for good vibes.”

“Exactly.”

That being said, it was hard not to think of everything that could go wrong. Especially knowing that Batman and Robin would be facing the Joker. Especially knowing that in a decent amount of universes they had been to, Jason had been killed by the Joker. Still, they tried. Bruce wrote out affirmations on the little notepad in the motel room, Dick said them outloud, and Jason meditated.

Still, two days later, when they saw Batman and Robin facing the Joker and Scarecrow, it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

The Joker immediately looked at Robin, but Jason could see the moment the Joker realized something more . He looked Robin up and down, gaze lingering a bit lower, before making eye contact, and bursting into a fit of giggles, “My, my, Boy Blunder you sure are growing at an alarming rate.”

“Yeah, I’ve been eating my vegetables. I heard carrots help give your skin a natural glow. Did’ja not eat enough ‘a those growing up? You’re looking a bit pasty.” For all his talk, Robin pulled his cape around him.

Batman stepped in between the two of them. “Robin, do you have your gasmask on you?”

Robin responded by grabbing it out of his utility belt, “I’ll get Crane.” He pulled out his grapple, and he swung away.

“Now, Batsy, I didn’t mean it that way–” Batman started pummeling the Joker with his fists.

…That doesn’t make sense. The Joker is a lot of horrible vile things, but a pedophile isn’t one of them. Otherwise Jason would’ve killed him point blank years ago.

Then the screen split in half to show Robin running and leaping to grab the bottom rung of a fire escape and kicking Crane into a pile of trash. Crane started to sit up, but Robin took a glass bottle, flipped it in his hands once, and smashed it into Crane’s noggin.

Really, Crane is easy to defeat if you don’t breathe in his fear toxins. That’s why he loves his helmet. Built in filters. One punch, and Crane is down for the count.

While Batman continued to punch the living daylights out of the Joker, Robin made quick work of cuffing Crane. Then he leaned against the bricks panting.

The earlier gas mask models were hard to breathe in. Adding the cold low pressure winter air made it nearly impossible to breathe while fighting.

Batman seemed to be done pounding the Joker’s head in. Mainly because Commissioner Gordon had come by, thrown a kick at the piece of garbage, and started cuffing the man

Robin rolled his shoulders and shook out his leg before picking up Crane from where he was laying, and dragging him out of the Alley. Eventually, Batman came, lifted Crane into a fireman’s carry and nodded at Robin.

To anyone else, the nod would’ve seemed cold and dismissive, but Jason knew that specific nod meant you can relax now.

Robin ripped off his gas mask, and grappled away.

Jason grabbed a pair of gloves, his jacket, and the red beanie they’d got, “I’m going to my gargoyle.”

Jason knew he would arrive at the gargoyle after Robin, but what he didn’t expect was to catch Robin sound asleep in the corner of the roof. He wasn’t even sitting under Garry, just in the corner with his cape pulled around him.

Seemed more like a Tim thing to pass out on a roof, but Jason was also a pretty light sleeper… but Robin should’ve heard him coming up the fire escape. Jason made sure to be a bit louder on his way up.

Was he–

No, he couldn’t be. Bruce built the winter suit with warmers built in so he wouldn’t freeze. And he could see Robin’s breaths puff up in the cold air. He was probably just really tired.

Really tired.

Jason moved to sit next to Gary, but made sure he could still keep an eye on their surroundings. Though, if he hadn’t been paying attention, and if he didn’t see it coming a mile away, he wouldn’t’ve spotten Batman.

He sent a little wave towards the shadow, and signed out “ One Bad Night A-R-T. Are you gonna make me sing the song?”

Batman came out of the shadows, “Jason?”

That caused Robin to pick out his head in a panic, but then he saw Batman, blinked blearily, and then rested his head back on his knees, falling back asleep.

Jason made a concerned face towards Robin as Batman moved to sit next to Jason.

“He was up last night studying for an APUSH test. I told him to take a break tonight, but–-” Batman shrugged, “You know you.” He looked to Robin with a look that was a mix between fond and concerned, before looking back to Jason, “Report.”

Jason rolled his eyes. Some things about Bruce never changed across realities, “Black Mask hit us with a teleportation prototype which caused us to be pinballed around the multiverse.” He said in a low voice, so he wouldn’t wake up Robin, “We’ve been to…close to thirty universes, the longest we’ve been in one singular reality was around three days, the shortest was close to 10 minutes, I think. Our Bruce can tell you the exact stuff. We’re certain that our allies are working on bringing us home, but because we keep moving around…”

“You think they can’t pinpoint your location.”

Jason nodded.

“Is it just you and your Bruce?”

“Dick too.”

Batman nodded, “We can all head to the cave right now, if you would like?”

Jason glanced at Robin, and how the only reason he was asleep right now was pure exhaustion and the feeling of safety. Especially after the Joker’s sexual harassment, it was surprising that Robin even fell asleep. strangers coming to his home, he definitely wouldn’t be able to properly rest, even though he clearly needed it.

“We’ll swing by… tomorrow evening? That way you can warn Alfred. If we don’t show, chances are we got thrown into a different reality.”

Batman gave him a barely there smile, “I’ll try not to take it too personally.”

So there they were, standing in front of the manor gates, fighting over who would ring the doorbell.

Dick pushed Jason forwards, “Jason, you’re the one who was invited, you ring it.”

Jason stepped behind Bruce, “You’re the one who’s better with people.”

“You literally talked to this Bruce yesterday.”

“You’ve literally talked to any other version of Bruce. Just ring the buzzer.”

“You do it!”

Bruce rolled his eyes, and hit the buzzer, “I’m sure you’ve been watching them bicker.”

The gates opened, as the automated voice of Alfred patched through, “Yes, it is quite amusing to see they never truly grow out of it.”

Dick scoffed, “Once an annoying younger brother, always an annoying younger brother.”

Just for that, Jason flicked Dick’s cheek, with a satisfying pip sound. Dick looked like he was about to smack Jason in retaliation, but Alfred was standing at the front door with a very stern look on his face.

Alfred led them into the study room where a younger Bruce and Jay were both waiting for them.

Hm, this was weird. He never saw Bruce at this point in time. Though, this Bruce didn’t look much different from the other Bruces they’ve been seeing across realities. Jay on the other hand… he looked different.

He was taller than most of the Jasons they had met. Probably around 5’5”. And his features were more mature. It was losing the roundness he’d gained during his years living in the manor. The spots of vitiligo across his face stood out in the way they usually did during the summer, meaning his completion was probably deeper. And his eyes– he didn’t have central heterochromia like Sheila. They were warm and brown. Just like Mami’s.

Alternate reality Bruce stood up and shook Bruce and Dick’s hands, oddly, this was the most formal meeting with their alternate reality selves. “Hello, welcome to our reality. What’s the ‘low down ’?”

Jay turned to Jason, Dick and made a ‘ this man is so embarrassing’ face. Dick held back a laugh as alternate reality Bruce opened the entrance to the Cave, and regular Bruce started filling him in. Basically the stuff Jason told him last night, only in more detail. Like down to the minute they were in each reality, and… well, he didn’t tell him about the multiple Jason’s dying part, but that was probably because Bruce was trying hard with the positive affirmations.

Then he brought out the blueprints for the beacon, and Jay took one look at it and smacked his head, and rushed towards the stairs, “I have a physics project. I swear, if one more maniac shows up this week, I’m gonna lose it.”

Younger Bruce looked at Jay with a smirk, “Then I suppose it’s a good thing it’s Saturday, huh?”

Jay fixed him with a deadpan stare, “Your Dad-jokes aren’t nearly as funny as you think they are.”

Bruce didn’t seem hurt by the comment, but it did seem to soften him, with a face that looked more… vulnerable, “If you need to take a break–”

“No. I’m good. We catch Two-Face and then I’m stayin’ in bed the entirety of break.”

Bruce sucked a breath through his teeth, playfully, “If those are your plans, I guess I’ll have to cancel those college tours. Are you planning on bedrotting through rehearsal too?”

“You know what I meant.” Then Jay continued up the stairs while singing ‘Those magic changes’ from Grease.

Jason grinned, “I actually love this reality. It’s the best one we’ve been to, by far .”

Younger Bruce gave him an amused look, “I’m glad you like it. May I ask why all the other realities were not so great?”

“Hmm… No. We’re trying to keep a positive mindset here, and thinking about all the other realities would… make us pretty despondent.”

Younger Bruce blinked towards Older Bruce, who grunted, “They need time to process what we have seen in other realities. We will tell you, eventually.”

“Hrg.” He could see the push and pull between Batman’s skepticism and Bruce’s willingness to help people behind his eyes, “What can you tell me?”

“I faced a similar situation where there was a mass Arkham breakout, though it was all orchestrated by Eduardo Dorrance, otherwise known as Bane. He is aware of our identities and after we put Two-Face back in Arkham, he breaks into the manor to catch us off guard.”

And just like that, younger Bruce was in Batman mode and finding all the information he could on Bane.

“Bruce, Bane’s whole thing was breaking you down emotionally and mentally, so he could break you physically.” Dick placed a hand on his shoulder, “Yes, you do need to capture Two-Face, but you also need to take a break, otherwise he will break you.”

Bruce continued to search through the Batcomputer, “How can you say that when he knows who I am? Just by knowing, that puts all of us at risk. What if he targets the Dick and the Titans, or Jason’s school? I need to be prepared–”

“You can prepare yourself with as much information as you can, but without proper rest, you can never truly be prepared.”

Both Dick and Jason turned to look at Old Man Bruce, cus, yeah Bruce was wise when he decided to actually communicate, but that edged on the hypocritical side.

Old Man Bruce didn’t pay attention to them gawking, “I could also give you all the information I know about Bane, but only if you rest. It would take less time that way.”

Younger Bruce stopped typing, “...Fine. But it’s only because I know Alfred is going to be done with dinner soon and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”

“No patrolling tonight. Two-Face doesn’t show up for another two days. You are taking the weekend off. No Batman or Batman adjacent work.”

“Are… are you benching me right now?”

Older Bruce gave him the look ™ meaning he wasn’t going to be accepting any nonsense from younger Bruce. Honestly, it was kinda weird. Most of the other Bruces, Bruce had spoken to in a strictly professional manner. He never… Daded them.

Ok, it was really weird.

Younger Bruce seemed to realize it was a losing battle, and turned off the Batcomputer, “Ok then, though I expect all the information you know about Bane to be on there by Monday.”

So now that they had the whole positive/negative affirmations thing going, they had a realization. They were probably being tethered to each reality by the Jason of said universe. So as long as this Jason stayed alive, they would stay in this universe.

And so far this Jason was doing a better job than Jason had, so…

The kid was 16 and had a fully functioning brain. He was doing things he loved like school and the musical. He was living, and making Robin work. Jason was happy for him. He was happy for Bruce who was gushing about how well Jay did during the fall play, and some of the volunteer work he was doing on top of that and–

This could’ve been his life.

So the first chance he got, he ran to hide. Technically, it wasn’t hiding, because the library was the first place anyone would think to look for him, but it got him alone. It gave him space to breathe.

And maybe he was a masochist for reading ‘The Time Machine’ by H.G Wells, but you can’t be in a family of vigilantes without being the slightest bit masochistic.

He was about halfway through when Jay snuck in with a binder and pencil in his hands and sat on the floor next to the couch Jason was on, so he was blocked from view of the Library door.

Not five minutes later Dick walked in, eyes searching around the room, “Have you seen Jason?”

Now, Jason wasn’t an idiot, and he knew that Jay was probably hiding because he also needed a breather. “What, tryna replace me?”

“What? No. I just–”

“That was cruel of me to say.” He knew the words would hurt Dick, and adding venom to them would just be salt on a scab that had been picked at, “He’s probably doing homework or something.”

Dick frowned, like he was debating which conversation to continue, and then he sighed, “That’s what he was doing when I last checked, but now I can’t find him.”

“Then he’s probably with Alfred. There’s really only three places in the manor he’d be.” He did also have a real hiding spot, but Jay seemed like he needed to do work, and that hiding spot was small and dark, and only for when he felt like everything was too big and too much.

“I already checked.”

Jason squared Dick with a look, “Then maybe, you’re being too hover-y and he wants some space.”

Dick cringed at himself, “You’re probably right.” Then he started walking closer to the couch.

“What are you doing?”

“Hanging out with you?” he went to sit on the couch, but Jason swatted him with the book.

“No. you’re not. Go away. Find ways to entertain yourself.”

“What if we dye your white streak red?”

Jason groaned, “Go away, Richard . I’ve spent the last week with you and Bruce. Give me some me time.”

“No.” Dick definitely meant that sarcastically, because he stood up to leave, but then he paused at the door, “You know you’ll always be my little brother, right? Nothing changes that. Not death, or moral differences– nothing.”

“I can’t be your little brother, because I’m taller–”

“Oh, fuck off–”

“--But you'll always be my big brother too.” Then Jason realized that they were getting into super sappy territory so he tacked on, “In case the passing out on you didn’t get that through your thick skull.”

And just like that Dick’s soft big brother act, that he usually reserves for Damian, disappeared, “I swear, if I ever see you using those magical–”

“Bye!”

“--Soul sucking–”

“Bye!”

“--Swords, I will–”

“Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye!” Jason rushed to shut the door, “Love ya too.”

Jay peeked over the couch, then slowly stood up then collapsed in the papasan chair, heaving out a sigh of relief, “And that’s supposed to be the same man who begs Bruce to give him space every time he visits?”

“I, honest to god, have no clue how that happened.” Jason sat back down on the couch.

Jay started opening up the binder in his hand, and then glanced at Jason, “Magical soul suckin' swords?”

“They’re not as bad as they sound.”

“Can I… see them?”

“No.”

They sat in silence, Jay finishing up his project and Jason continued reading until Jay definitely finished and started to open and close his mouth like he was debating asking a question.

Jason set his book down and settled deeper into the couch, “Are ya gonna continue to catch flies with your mouth or are ya gonna ask?”

“Hold up, I'm debatin' if I should ask the harder questions first or the easy ones.”

Jason drummed his fingers on his knee, “Start with the easy ones. I might not be allowed to answer the harder ones.” Jay frowned, so Jason added, “By Bruce. 'Cause he’s a control freak.”

“Naturally.” Jay shifted so he was mirroring Jason’s body language, “Why are your eyes blue?”

Jason gave him a ‘Use your brain’ look, because, really?

“Well, I know it’s because of the Multiverse and not everything’s gonna be the same, but there are certain things that have to stay the same for us to be Jason , right? So… if you’re more white passing, but ya still look like Papi, then–”

“Yeah, we have different birth moms. Though, Catherine did raise me.”

“Were ya also on the streets?”

Jason nodded, “And boostin' the tires off of Bruce’s car seems to be a multiversal constant.”

Jay grinned, “It’s just iconic behavior, as Eddie would put it.” Then he gestured to the front of his hair, “Vitiligo?”

“Dick still doesn’t have a clue. I’m 90% sure he thinks it’s the magical swords.”

“Son of the world's greatest detective and he still can’t figure it out.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “The last reality we went to, it was one where none of us were heroes, and that Jason said he had vitiligo, and ya wanna know what Dick said? He said ‘I guess the white streak is also a universal constant. Even if the reason isn’t magic in this one.’ ”

Jay blinked, “You’re pullin' my leg.”

“No, I’m not! He genuinely believes the white streak is from magic. I guess an autoimmune disease isn’t cool enough for him.”

“Yo, I think all the hair dye has been damaging my hair. They don’t curl the same way as the rest of my hair.” Jay tugged at one of his little loopies. “What about the whole secret identity thing?”

“Helmet. I lost it a couple realities ago, though. Also, yeah, ever since I stopped dyin' it, it’s been growin' back curlier.”

“College?”

“Next question.”

A bunch of different emotions flashed across Jay’s face, “What?”

“Next question.”

“No.” Jay crossed his arms, “You can’t be me if you didn’t want to go to college.”

“Who says I didn’t?” Jason leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, “Next question.”

Jay’s voice came out much smaller, “...Graduation?”

He leaned back again, “You get three more questions.”

“Your universe sucks, you know.”

Jason barked out a laugh, “Kid, this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.”

Jay seemed to think carefully about what he was about to ask next, “Garzonas?”

“Did that animal die? Yes. Did I push him? No. Did Bruce know that until recently? Also no. I’m pretty sure.”

Jay’s eyes narrowed, “Did… Did your Bruce kick you out?”

Jason shook his head, “Just… I guess I was on probation or something, and when I proved to be ‘too reckless’, he fired me from being Robin. Then I ran away…” And then he died, “How’d it happen with you?”

“He also fired me from Robin for a bit. I… I really thought Bruce would kick me out. I mean, I wasn’t Robin at the time, and what use was I to Bruce if I wasn’t his partner? Then Dick came back from space, and asked why he hadn’t seen Robin in any of the news he’d been catching up on, and I told him. Then he rushed straight to the manor and I’m sure all of Gotham could hear Dick knock some sense into him. Turns out, Bruce didn’t even realize that I thought that being Robin was the only thing that tied me to the manor, and I didn’t really realize how much Bruce cares.” Jay looked Jason in the eyes and then groaned, “You did not just come to that realization, did you? No, that was a hypothetical question, not a real one. You are a sad little man.” He leaned back and looked at the ceiling, “Is that why your Bruce keeps looking at me funny? Cus you ran away at my age? Instead of just… talkin' with him? Well, I’m assumin' you talk now, because you’re on a multiversal adventure with him, but– Sufferin’ succotash, I’m still caught up on the college thing. Why not just get a GED and go? Bruce’ll probably still pay for you.”

Jason sighed and ran a hand over “That was more than five questions. Short answer is I trusted someone I shouldn’t have.”

“That’s ominous and dramatic. The only reason I can think of why you wouldn’t be able to go is if you just… no longer had an ID or something–" Jason went ramrod straight because how in tarnation do you guess that? Jay’s eyes widened, “Did you have to go into witness protection? Don’t they give you a new life if you do? Why not just ask the government if you can go to college– actually, forget I asked that. The government sucks, but–”

“I’m legally dead.”

“Heh?”

“Like, my heart stopped. For six months. I have a grave and everything.”

Jay blinked a couple times and then snorted, “Ok, Jesus.”

Jason let his entire face drop. Devoid of any emotions. He knows it’s macabre, because there were still parts of death that clung to him like gorilla glue.

Maybe the rest of his siblings have died before. Though it was different with them. They died for minutes. Jason was dead for months. And sure, so was Damian, but he was brought back on purpose. Jason was brought back by mistake.

Talia was the first person to see him disassociate, and she said she thought he was reverting back to his state of comatose. The first time Cass saw, it freaked her into a panic attack. She said his emotions, body, mind– they all read as dead . And everyone, save Damian, looked pale. Like they were looking at a ghost.

He snapped his attention back to Jay, whose face was ashen. “Your universe sucks.” he pulled one of his knees to his chest and rested his chin on it. He could tell Jay had a hand on the cross that rested on his sternum, “If you died… was there an afterlife?”

“I don’t remember.” That was a lie. There was a recurring dream that he had. One where he was swinging over a green field that seemed to span miles and miles and miles. It was one of those dreams he never wanted to wake up from. One of those dreams where he felt nothing but peace. He felt at peace.

A part of him wants to believe that dream was about him, flying over Heaven alongside the angels, but he knows he couldn’t have gone to heaven. He couldn’t have, because he came back as nothing but a vengeful spirit.

There was a bone deep exhaustion settling in Jay’s bones. He knew it was because he was overworked, and overtired. Homework, projects, studying for tests, rehearsals– he would’ve been fine with just those. In fact, he would’ve been thriving with just those.

Ever since his conversation with Bruce, he knew that if he took a break from being Robin, or even full on quit, he would still have a place with Bruce and Alfred. In fact, he has taken a couple breaks from Robin, and he thinks he finally knows what safety– no, peace means. It didn’t feel like the rug was going to be pulled out from under him. He finally felt like he was on solid ground.

Being Robin wasn’t exhausting him. Not when he knew he was allowed to take a break.

Being bombarded with rogues every night, that was the problem. Because that meant he couldn’t take a break. Jay knew Bruce could handle the drug dealers and the pimps, but the rogues were the worst of the worst. Yeah, they had their problems, but they weren’t afraid of hurting people in creative ways.

Robin’s supposed to have Batman’s back. He could deal with two hours of sleep, or the incessant throb in his knee. But if he took a break, and Batman got hurt because Robin wasn’t there to watch his six– he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t deal with losing another Dad to Two-Face.

He finished taping his knee, and pulled down the leg of his yellow snow pants.

Time to steal a penny or something

The next couple days passed very awkwardly, because it was quite a -ha- bomb that Jason dropped on Jay, one he immediately regretted after five minutes. Who dumps their trauma all over a 16 year old. ( He did it to Tim, but that was kinda different. They were having a sibling bonding moment.) Though, he doesn’t think he told Bruce. He feels like younger Bruce would have acted differently if he did know.

Currently, Jay was at rehearsal, and Jason was in the kitchen with Dick and Alfred making scones. Then the security alarm went off.

Bane.

They had a plan. Older Bruce would stay in the Batcave, while Younger Bruce would lure him down there. Once there, Bruce would take out Bane’s venom pack, giving Bane a major case of withdrawal. Jason and Dick would remain out of sight, but they were allowed to jump in if things went wrong.

They had a plan.

Still it didn’t stop Jason from wanting to pummel Bane’s face as soon as he knocked Alfred into the Grandfather Clock.

He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive.

Jason almost didn’t pay attention to the conversation Bruce and Bane were having.

“You’d kill just to rule this city? Just for–”

“I’d kill for anything. I’d kill to silence a grating voice. To darken the light in eyes that dared look at me.”

“Then while you revel in it, Bane, I’m sick of death, sick of the blood, the chaos, and horror you’ve brought to Gotham– and right into my home.”

The alarm to the gate went off, but it wasn’t the intruder alarm.

Bane tilted his head, “Two birds, one stone.”

Bane started walking towards the garage, however, Batman maneuvered in front of him, “You hurt my father, I will not let you hurt my son.”

And then Batman went ham. The only problem was, Batman was now trying to keep Bane away from the garage, rather than lure him to the Batcave.

Dick lightly tapped Jason’s shoulder, and signed, ‘ Alfred’s stache.’

Jason blinked, and made a finger gun with his hand, along with a baffled face.

Dick nodded, “Better than me, hit the pack. Not head. Faith.”

“This Bruce is gonna hate me so much.” Still, he crept towards the pantry, where Alfred hid a handgun in the big tubberware of dry black beans. Then he grabbed the cartridge of bullets that was sealed inside the bottom of an olive oil tin.

Everyone except for Bruce knew they were there. Along with the ones hidden in the stairs, and the one in the couch of the study. They were all handguns, and Jason knew Alfred preferred and used shotguns, so there were definitely more, but they would remain forever hidden.

He stuck to the shadows of the manor’s corners, creeping his way to the spiral staircase near the garage entrance.

A minute later the door opened, Jay carrying his backpack.

Jason tapped out, I-N-T-R-U-D-E-R G-O T-O C-A-R, in morse code against the railing. As if on cue, there was a clatter that sounded like a bunch of hangars being knocked over.

Jay looked in the general direction of when Jason was hidden, and nodded, quietly opening the door and slinking out.

Almost immediately, Batman got thrown into the wall perpendicular to the door, but Batman springboarded off of it and punched Bane in the gut. Except it barely phased him, “Bane, this fight is between you and me.”

Jason lined up the handgun with the venom pack, and turned the safety off.

One clean shot.

“This fight isn’t between you and me.” Bane grabbed Batman’s arm and slammed him into the floor, “This fight is between me, and anyone who gets in my way. If the butler had fought back anymore, I might’ve just had to kill him.”

Jason knew his aim started to drift. One bullet, straight through Bane’s temple. He kills Bane now, Bane will never kill Alfred in this universe. Alfred can stay immortal.

Straight through the temple.

Jason’s pointer finger curled around the trigger.

A wrench hit Bane in the nose, “That was supposed to be your welcome gift. Sorry it’s second hand. I wasn’t aware we were having guest.” Jay came back into view with a tire iron in hand, “Hi, Batman, sorry I couldn’t be more courteous. If I had known you were visiting, I would’ve come home sooner.”

“Robin, he knows.”

“ Pulchritudinous.” Jay swung the tire iron, in a way that was very reminiscent of the way Dick swung his christmas, slid under Bane and wacked him in the balls with the tire iron.

Bane didn’t even flinch. Instead, he grabbed the tire iron, and bent it in half, “That’s what I’m gonna do to your dad. First, though, I’m gonna make sure you have a good seat.” He swatted Jay away with the bent iron, then fixed Jay so that he was properly sitting up.

Jason glanced from Bane, to Batman, to Jay, who was clutching his stomach, eyes wide in horror as Bane moved back towards Batman.

Jason shifted his aim once more, letting out a breath as his finger tightened around the trigger. As his arm took the recoil of the firearm. As the venom pack burst into an explosion of green goop.

Because he couldn’t kill him. Not in front of Jay, who might eventually learn that the only Jason who has survived came back merciless and inhumane.

Immediately, Dick came flying in with a kick to Bane’s face, pummeling him with attacks as the lack of venom caused Bane to go into immediate withdrawal, only stopping when Bane was knocked out.

Jason slipped out of the shadows of the staircase, flicked the safety back on, and started to disassemble the gun, just as Old Man Bruce walked in supporting Alfred,

Jason handed the disassembled pieces of the gun to Alfred, “I shot the hell outta that guy, huh.”

Dick huffed a laugh, and Jay looked a little confused from where he was propped up by, “Isn’t that from a video game? The one with the Zombies? Tim and Ives play it sometimes.”

“It’s a meme in our universe.” Dick held out a hand for younger Bruce, “Still comes from the video game though.”

Younger Bruce accepted the hand, and started pulling himself from the floor, “Jason, are you hurt?”

Jay shook his head, “I’m good.'' Then he tried to get up, and winced, “Maybe a coupla bruised ribs. Nothin’ too bad.”

Older Bruce shifted Alfred’s weight towards Jason, and went to carefully help Jay up, “Bruised or broken?”

Jay opened his mouth like he was about to let out a snarky reply, but paused when he looked at Bruce’s face. Then he took a slow breath–it wasn’t deep, but it was slow, “My lungs feel fine. If that’s what you’re asking. So if they are broken, it’s probably just a fracture.” Jay placed his hand on top of Bruce’s. So Bruce could subtly feel for a pulse, “I’ll be ok.”

Younger Bruce peeled off his cowl and limped over to Jay, planting a kiss on his head. “Ok.” Then he turned to Jason, “Since when have you known to shoot?”

Jason shared a look with Alfred, and then looked to Jay, “Did this ignoramus send you to Ma Gunn’s School for Crime, too?”

Jay snickered and then winced, “Don’t make me laugh, it hurts. World’s greatest detective here.”

“What’s next, you know how to make poisons and assemble bombs?”

Jason gave him a bemused smirk, “Yes. I do.”

Bruce looked like he was about to say something when Jay’s phone began to ring. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and grinned at Dick, “I think your big brother instincts are goin’ off.”

Dick frowned, but then his eyes widened, and he buried his face in his hands, “That’s not why…”

Jay picked up, and there was the Facetime sound, “You better start shopping for a Tux, because Kori and I are going to be needing a ring bearer.”

Jason felt his jaw drop to the floor as he whipped his head towards his brother Dick, whose face was still buried, but his ears were red in embarrassment.

How did Jason never know that Dick and Kori were engaged? And he was friends with Kori. And Roy. Hell, Tim could’ve told him. Or Bruce. They’re all apostates.

Alfred seemed to be the first one to recover, “Congratulations, my boy!”

“Thanks, Alfie!”

“You asked Kori to marry you?” Jay seemed just as surprised as Jason was, “I owe Donna so much money.”

“That you do!” Donna shouted from the background.

Younger Dick laughed, “You know what, I’m too happy to be annoyed you two bet on my love life”

Jay was grinning from ear to ear, “Tis the best form of entertainment.” If it was possible, Jay’s smile turned even bigger, “Before you know it, I’ll be an uncle.”

Younger Bruce grunted. Which Jason translated to ‘ I'm not ready to be a grandfather yet,’ but then he tacked on, “I’m proud of you, Chum.”

“Thanks Bru– Holy shit, what happened to you?”

“February.” Bruce didn’t care to elaborate.

“Right, there was a massive Arkham break. Are you guys good over there?”

“That was our last Rogue. And this Robin is making like its namesake and taking a vacation ‘till spring.” He paused, “I should probably tell Spoiler.”

After Bane, things were pretty quiet. And with said quiet, and the fact that they still haven’t been thrown into a new reality for an entire week (new record! yey!) they were finally able to start on a prototype for the beacon.

Though it was mainly Bruce, because he’s a control freak. Other Bruce was Batman-ing even though he had a shattered arm and sprained ankle from Bane. Alfred was resting, and the only reason for that was because Dick and Jason promised to help Other Bruce if he needed it.

And Jay put Robin to the side just like he said he would, focusing on school and the SATs and the musical. Like a normal teenager, doing normal teenage things.

Also, apparently Tim and Ives were in Crew for the musical, and that's how Jay knew them. Small world. Or Tim’s stalker tendencies were a lot higher than Jason assumed.

Dick and Jason just finished a round of sparring when Jay came down, backpack in hand. He sat down at the table across from Bruce and pulled out a spiral notebook, a note packet, along with a textbook, and a red, a blue, and a black colored pen, plus a highlighter.

“No way. You were that kid?”

Jay looked up and frowned at Dick, “What D'ya mean?”

“The type who always had perfectly aesthetic notes in class.”

“No.” Jay shook his head “My class notes are usually written in pencil and looked like chicken scratch.” He held up what was written in his notebook, “I’m studying for a physiology test I have friday. Black’s the normal stuff that I remember, Red’s the stuff I don’t, or super important things, and I use the blue and the highlighter to put little annotations of my notes in the margins.”

Old Man Bruce looked up, “Jason uses that method to write up mission reports. You know that, Dick.”

“I guess I didn’t expect it to come from a studying method.”

Jay just shrugged and went to flip through the textbook, and his notepacket. Jason didn’t miss the fond look Bruce had on his face.

Dick and Jason started up another round.

For a bit the only sounds in the cave were Jason and Dick’s feet scuffing across the floor, and the slight clicks of Bruce tinkering.

And then, “Your Bruce mentioned something about college tours.”

Jason faltered in his step, and Dick landed a kick to his gut. Jason grabbed the leg and pulled, but Dick twisted out of his grip and landed on his feet. They started circling each other again.

Jay glanced up from his notes and grinned, “Yeah, over break, we’re gonna visit Rutgers, Montclair, and Princeton, and then over April break, I’m going up to New York to visit the Titans and Dick, Donna and I are gonna check out NYU, and Columbia. Over summer break we were planning on visiting the UCs, Midwestern and more Ivys, but I have my eyes on Columbia, and I will get in.”

Jason attempted to sweep Dick’s feet, but he jumped and called out, “Nerd!”

Jay turned towards them and stuck out his tongue, “Bold words for a dropout.”

Dick kicked the back of Jason’s knee, causing them to buckle, but he dropped into a roll.

Bruce hummed, “I thought you said you wanted to go to Princeton or NYU?”

Jay set his pen down and gave Bruce his full undivided attention, “Well, I do, and I’d still ecstatic if I got into them, but I’ve been thinking more about what I want to be when I grow up, not just what I want to do . And I don’t see myself being someone who wears a cape and fights crime forever , ya know? I think I’m starting to… outgrow the whole ‘fighting crime’ thing, but I still want to help people. And Columbia has a good Lit and Bio program, so I think it’ll be a good place for me.”

Jason completely stopped and turned towards Jay, “You wanna be a doct–AACk!” Jason turned to glare at Dick who just kicked him in the jaw.

“Yup! Just like Leslie and Grandpa Thomas. I’m thinking of being an ER specialist, or family medicine, but time might change that.”

Bruce’s eyes started to shine, and what could only be a look of pride engulfed his face.

This… this was a very cruel type of torture. Obviously he was proud of Jay too. The kid was living . He was older than any other Jason they had met. Bruce’s pride over the life Jason could’ve had, should be engulfing him like a hug. Instead it was wrapping around him like a boa constrictor.

He took a deep breath, “I’m gonna go take a shower and make some tea. Any of you want some?”

Dick lobbed a towel at him, “Would you hit me if I asked for hot cocoa?”

Jason snapped the towel at him, “I’ll smack you either way.”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” Jay picked up his pen again.

Jason ruffled his hair, not waiting for Bruce to say what he wanted, and headed upstairs.

Jay waited to hear the door to the bathroom close. He knew Dick was farther off somewhere, but he would be out of earshot, “Why haven’t you legally revived him yet?”

Bruce immediately snapped his gaze back to Jay, “How do you know about that?”

“You’re not the only detective, remember?” He wasn’t going to tell Bruce about his conversation he had with Jason the other day. That would be rude. “I’m just saying, if you did, he’d probably choose a similar path as I have. Eventually.” It did take Jay a while to realize Robin wasn’t something he wanted forever. It’s been something on the fence about him since his Bruce made him take a break in April. If the vigilante life really was worth it, or if it hurt him too much just to help other people.

Bruce hummed, “He’s never asked. I don’t want to over step.”

He looked to the ceiling of the batcave, “Your emotional incompetence hinders your ability to see what is in plain sight.” Jay leveled Bruce with a look, “Sure, I’ll tell it to you straight, but when have you ever known me to ask you for anything?”

Bruce tilted his head in a way that said there was that one time…

Whatever that means, “I mean, I could be wrong. That Jason has a half a decade of experience and trauma on me. He could be a completely different person because of it. But there’s certain things that have to have stayed somewhat the same, and I feel like Jason's… kinda like me from about a year ago. He’s expecting the rug to be pulled out from underneath him. He doesn’t know where he stands with you, because you won’t tell him explicitly. I’m not like Dick. If– aw snickerdoodles, I’m about to tell you all my secrets. If I seem angry about something, I’m probably scared.” He’s honestly surprised Mr. World’s Greatest Detective hasn’t figured that out yet.

He could see the pieces fall into place in Bruce’s mind.

“I know this is going to be a completely foreign idea to you, but what if… you talked to him. With words. Not immediately, because he’ll figure out I had to hold your hand to get you to cross that street, but eventually. When the time is right.”

“How will I know when that is? Or if I’ll say the right things?”

Jay raised his eyebrow, “You’re talking about a cure to your emotional constipation? Turn off the logical side of your brain and just talk. Mean what you say and all that good stuff.”

Being dead is stupid .

Sure, Jason has numerous fake IDs for various things, and he could get a GED using one of them, and then go to whatever college he wanted to. But he didn’t want to go to college as ‘Peter Thomas’ or ‘Jason Willis’ or ‘Todd Jackson’. He wanted an education.

Jason Peter Todd-Wayne.

That’s the name we wanted on the diploma. Except Jason Peter Todd-Wayne no longer existed. So he couldn’t get a highschool diploma, or enroll in college, or go to med-school, or become a doctor.

And he’s beyond happy for Jay. He really really is, but envy and jealousy are fickle things that have seemed to consume Jason post-mortum.

He’s jealous of Dick who will always know Bruce like the back of his hand. Who doesn’t even have to look at Bruce to know when something’s wrong. He’s jealous of Tim who seemed to have snuck his way into Bruce’s life. Who will always somehow pick him up, while Jason seems to knock him down whenever they’re in the same room. He’s jealous of Cass. Because she will always be perfect in Bruce’s eyes, and Jason is the polar opposite from her. Meaning, to Bruce, Jason can only be the blood staining the walls of his house made out of gold.

He’s envious of Jay who still has it all. He still has his life. He still has the magic of Robin that

never seemed to leave any of his siblings. The magic that decided to abandon Jason.

It doesn’t make any sense.

It’s not fair.

He’s not the only one who has died, so why is he the only one who lost everything and can’t get it all back.

He can’t get his old life back.

He’ll never be able to be that kid who was happy to finally have a home. The one who was overjoyed to be able to learn again, and barely let himself think about the future because if he thought about it for too long, the insecure part of his brain would tell him ‘this isn’t forever.’

But it could’ve been.

If he didn’t die.

He would’ve always had a home in the manor instead of being treated like an intruder every time he visited if he didn’t die. He could’ve had a family that welcomed him with open arms instead of a guard that’s always up

He should’ve never gone to– The Joker should’ve never– He should’ve never been– He should’ve never met–

He’s not supposed to be there anymore. He doesn’t fit anywhere anymore. He can blame everyone, he can blame himself, but at the end of the day it doesn’t change anything .

He would never be able to make Bruce proud because the Jason Peter Todd-Wayne who could’ve done that was dead. Or forever stuck in a warehouse watching an unphased face smoke a cigarette while his brain was being bashed in with a crowbar.

‘Could’ve beens’ suck.

He poured some milk in a pot on the stove, and some hot water in a kettle, then moved onto chopping chocolate. Then he grabbed Dick’s Superman mug, Jay’s Wonder Woman mug, and two china cups.

He debated only taking one cup and not making some for Bruce, but then realized that would be petty and Bruce wasn’t being intentionally cruel by being proud of a different version of him talking about college and dreams.

If anything, it was kinda sad.

Just like it was sad that Jason still knew that Dick liked his hot chocolate with extra sugar and a dash of nutmeg, because he said that’s how Haley’s Circus made it during their winter season.

Just like it was sad that he knew Bruce preferred white tea after eight pm, with one teaspoon of honey and a splash of lemon, but he couldn’t remember why.

He couldn’t remember why.

He made hibiscus blueberry tea for himself and Jay, placed all four cups on a tray, and brought them down to the cave.

Dick was currently sitting at the Batcomputer, which had names of people known to have traveled different realities. Wally, and Dr. Fate.

Jason set the tray down on the table Bruce and Jay were at, and grabbed his and Dick’s cups bringing them over to the Computer, “Doesn’t Tim have a speedy friend? The Imp?”

Impulse. He died right before Jason’s last multiversal adventure. Another kid gone because they were given the responsibility of saving the world before they were even allowed to vote.

He was pretty sure the kid was back now, but still. It seemed like the number of sidekicks multiplied after Jason died, not went down to zero.

Jay was halfway through a sip when he made a face, “Tim has a speedy friend?”

“Well, not yet. Because he’s still in the future.” Dick swiveled around in the batcomputer chair and took his mug of Hot Cocoa from Jason, “Also, Tim’s the Robin after this guy.” Dick patted Jason’s shoulder.

Jay frowned, looking from Bruce to Jason, “But…what?”

Jason slightly shook his head.

Jay lifted his eyebrows once and crossed his arms, “After all that time I spent convincing him not to follow us around with a camera at night, all he does is lose the camera.” he grumbled, “When did Tim become Robin?”

And here’s the thing about Jason. He’s not as brash as most people make him out to be. He survived on the streets for a while. Most people don’t know immediately when he’s angry, because if they did, he would've gotten himself killed on the streets. Most of the time he’s been outwardly angry, he’d really been… scared.

Point being, Jason knew himself. And he knew the curiosity Jay was putting on had an undercurrent of incredulity. And he really wasn’t in the mood to go through the whole ‘ Why was there another Robin after the last one died?’ thing.

Jason slid into the chair beside Bruce, so he was across from Jay, “Halloween. Oh! Would ya look at that? Flashcards.” he reached over to grab them and started shuffling, “If you get anything below a 95 because you were too busy yapping with us, I will be very disappointed in you.”

Jay rolled his eyes, “You tryna live vicariously through me?”

Jason didn't dignify a response. Instead he skimmed through the flashcards to figure what Jay was studyi–

Oh.

Cancers.

Well, too late to back out now. “Alright, how do you wanna do this? I give you the name and you tell me the symptoms, and the group it falls under?” He flipped the deck around so that Jay could only see the

“I was about to say how creepy it is how you know exactly how I think, but then I realized you’re me.” Jay took a sip of his tea and motioned for Jason to ask away.

They got through a bunch. Almost half of the 120 flashcards Jay had created. Because of the 120 different types of cancer. And they both knew the card was coming. Still it didn’t stop them from freezing when Jason pulled out the card that had Osteosarcoma written out in all caps.

It was the type of cancer Mami had.

Of course, Jason didn’t actually know that until he had come to live in the manor. When she had first gotten it, he was still too young to fully understand what was going on. Why when Mami went to go pick him up, he heard a slight snap and she immediately set him down. Or why she was constantly placing heating pads on her upper arms. But by the time he was six, he knew she was hurt. Because he remembers having to stay with their neighbors some nights, because the next time he saw Mami, she was in a hospital bed. By the time he was seven, he knew she was sick. Because sometimes after their trips to the library, they would go to Gotham General and he would curl up into Mami’s side while she read to him. As she slowly lost her hair and her figure grew frail.

But she couldn’t get Chemo for long, because Papi went missing, and he was the one paying off their medical debt. And she had to make due with the cheapest medicine available. Painkillers.

From Ibuprofen, to Naproxen, to Gotham-made Hydrocodone, and Morphine, and eventually Heroin. In the end, who knows if it was the tumor that metastasized or if the painkillers were laced with fentanyl.

Well, it was the fentanyl that killed Mami, Bruce showed him the reports after he freaked out on Two-Face, but it could’ve just as easily been the Cancer that had gone untreated.

He didn’t know that growing up, but there were so many similar stories, he figured out during his time as the Red Hood. People who were in debt, who needed proper medical attention, but could afford it. So they turned to painkillers to save them from the pain. It was Gotham though, so of course the harder stuff was going to be laced.

Jay frowned, and shifted in his seat, so he was hugging his leg, head resting on his knee, “It’s a sarcoma, so bones, but not a myeloma which comes from the bone marrow. Usually it occurs at the ends of your bones, because those are the growing parts. The metaphyses. The most common places of development are the femur, the tibia and the…humerus.” Jay suddenly found the string to the teabag very interesting, “It can also occur in the pelvis, skull and jaw, most of the cases are of people under the age of 25, but the average age is 15. For causes… Genetics, uh, lack of blood to bone tissue– bone infarctio n. Rapid growth, like…puberty, and exposure to radiation, because radiation’s fun for everyone.” He flicked the W on the mug three times, “And symptoms are like most bone cancers: pain, swelling, pain with movement, unexplained fevers, and bones that break with simple movements.”

“Nailed it.” Jason leaned over and flicked Jay’s curls with the flashcard, “But you still have…” Jason flipped through the cards, “32 more.”

A slow smile creeped on Jay’s face, “Easy peasy.”

The next couple weeks passed by. Jay made true to his word of staying in bed all of February break, except for rehearsal and the college tours he and younger Bruce planned. So, mainly, he stayed in bed over the weekend.

The day they were supposed to leave to visit Princeton also happened to be the day it snowed 16 inches. And Jason didn’t like the snow. He hated it , but over the years it’s become more bearable, and sure, Alfred had recovered from Bane’s attack, but he decided to shovel the snow for him.

It was also four in the morning, and he had woken up from a nightmare, but that's besides the point. He was just doing something nice for Alfred. That’s all.

It wasn’t even a nightmare about his death or any of the actually traumatic things that had happened to him, like dying, or crawling out of his grave, or the things he saw on the street.

It wasn’t even the new nightmares he’d been having of himself dying in different ways, but from a first person point of view.

No. The dream actually started off nice. Him and Mami were reading together, and Papi was there playing Billy Joel. Then two shots rang out, and Jason expected himself to be dead. But he wasn’t. Papi was on the floor bleeding, and he tried to stop it, but he wouldn’t stop bleeding. Then Mami pulled him into her arms, and he held onto her as tight as he could. But she was slowly getting thinner and thinner, until all he was hugging was a corpse. A skeleton.

Then he was running, and he was running through their apartment building trying to find someone, anyone, but each apartment was just a different dead Jason.

Until he got to an empty apartment, but when he got in, the entire room had mirrors on all sides, and he was withering. Just like Mami had. Getting thinner and thinner, hair and skin peeling off, slowly revealing a skeleton with the most messed up bones.

He focused on the repetitive motion of scooping up the snow and throwing it to the side. Ignoring the numbness spreading in his knees and hip, and ignoring the way his fingers started to lock up from the cold.

It didn’t take long for Bruce to join him. Older Bruce, by his gait.

They shoveled in sync, one after the other, falling into a rhythm. He absolutely refused to let his mind wander to the dream he had, so he fully switched gears.

He could totally see Jay becoming a doctor. Honestly, Jason would’ve done that just to spite Dick and Bruce for dropping out of college. Obviously, he can’t, though. Because Jason Todd doesn’t exist but–

“Jason.” He ruined their rhythm and looked at Bruce. He’s been looking at him in that way he had been recently. Like he was looking at the barrier they had placed between each other, wishing to tear it down, “If you still wanted to go to college, you still could.”

Jason froze, because when did Bruce become a mind reader? Jay and Younger Bruce were going to visit Princeton, so they were just thinking of the same things. That’s all.

“Well, you would need a GED, though I could help you with that if you would like.”

Jason didn’t dare look at Bruce’s face. “You don’t get it.” There was a knot forming in Jason’s stomach. Or, maybe it had been there all this time, and Bruce dangling the idea of something he’s wanted for so long, but could never have, made him feel like a fish who was about to eat bait and end up as someone else’s dinner.

“I suppose I don’t.” Bruce stopped shoveling and stretched out his back, “Otherwise I would have asked you this sooner. I was… afraid, in asking, I would drive you away, and hoped you would come to me in your own time. And I have realized that the card was never really visible on the table for you.”

“No, Bruce, that’s not–” Jason stopped shoveling, “I don’t want to go to college as ‘John Doe’, or whatever alias.”

“And I want you to go as Jason Peter Todd-W–” Bruce cut himself off, “I want you to go as Jason Peter Todd.”

Jason gave him a deadpan stare, “Dead kids don’t go to college.”

“And if said child was legally revived?”

He blinked, “What?”

“I’ve had the paperwork ready ever since you came back. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t really sure where we stood, though you’ll always be my son. Your death did not change that, and I am sorry I haven’t made that clear.”

“I’m– you’ve had the– what?”

“You don’t have to make the choice right now. We still have a lot of time before we return home, and even then, you can wait as long as you would like, but, um, I just wanted you to be aware you had more options, and no matter what you choose, I’ll be proud of you, because at the end of the day, I will still have you. That’s what’s most important.”

He felt something loosen up in his chest. All the hopes and lost dreams he had collected in the manor and crumpled up after his death were suddenly being reopened. “No strings no nothin’?”

“If I had things my way, I would ask you to never leave my sight, but I’ve realized I am incapable of controlling any of you, so no.”

“Are– are you real?” Jason poked Bruce’s shoulder to find he was really there. Jason was never one to hallucinate though, “Are you… an imposter? Because wouldn’t me coming back to life be suspicious? It would jeopardize our secret identities and–”

“Jason. Since when have you known me not to be prepared?”

“Literally a couple weeks ago when we were actively being pinballed around the Multiverse.”

Bruce looked like he didn’t want to talk about that, “Well, I have been planning this for five years, and have 10 different contingencies and cover stories we could use. I can show you once we get home. Again you don’t have to decide right away.”

“Yes.”

It was Bruce’s turn to reboot, “Yes?”

“For crying out loud, yes.” He felt like jumping up and down and pulling Bruce into a hug, but he didn’t because they’d probably slip on the driveway. “I feel like Pinocchio, yes.”

Jay really didn’t feel like getting out of bed that morning. He was barely able to fall asleep the night before. The throbbing in his knee had made it impossible to ignore the pain, but he couldn’t get his knee comfortable without making his ribs flare up, even though they were wrapped. Maybe he should’ve marked all those flips during rehearsal instead of doing them at 30%.

Though, the other reason he didn’t want to get out of bed was because it was cold. Because of the manor’s size, it did a poor job at retaining heat during the winter, and he was all toasty under all of his blankets. Once he got out from under his blankets, he would be reminded of the cold, and snow, and his first winter on the streets, and–

Yeah, no, he’s getting out of bed.

But all he could get himself to do was stare at the ceiling. He wasn’t even focusing on anything– just head empty.

No. It was not going to be one of those days where he just went through the motions. He wanted to remember today. He was touring Princeton for christ sake.

Bruce said he could drive. He can’t drive if he’s dissociating.

It’s not currently snowing in Princeton. He checked the weather the night before.

If he doesn’t start moving, the weight of everything before this moment will come crashing down on him and he won’t be able to do anything.

It happened during the end of June when he was done with all of his finals and he didn’t have anything to distract him, so he just… powered down. He was stuck in his bed and either his mind was on a loop of some horrible thing that had happened in his life or his mind wasn’t there. Then Bruce offered him back Robin, along with the rule that if you need a break, you take a break and that’s not just for if you’re sick or injured.

But every time that Jay takes a break from Robin and he has nothing to distract him, something inside him shuts off. It happened towards the end of august, but it didn’t happen when he took a break to study for midterms. Then he extended that break into the December Holidays, and boom– everything turned off.

Until Dick physically dragged him out of bed and then to New York where he spent time doing holiday activities with the Titans. Then he got to talking with Raven, and she said it was just his body and mind finally feeling safe enough to turn off his fight or flight mode.

But Jay already gave himself the weekend to bedrot. He has stuff to do today. Places to be. He knows once he gets moving, he won’t stop, so he just has to get moving.

The giddiness of being– ha of being alive again, somewhat faded once they came inside and Jason’s fingers were next to useless, and his joints were throbbing. And with useless fingers, he couldn’t flip the pages of a book, so he was stuck with watching TV with Dick and Bruce as Jay and younger Bruce were out.

“I suggest we watch Mission Impossible.”

Dick and Jason both groaned, “Action movies aren’t interesting when you know you can do all the stunts.”

“They’re also predictable, and even though they up the stakes with each movie, you know Tom Cruise is going to succeed. Also, most of the time, the plot is just big explosions, gotta climb up this giant building with a side of a pretty lady.”

Dick continued to scroll through the options on the TV, “Ugh, I’ve already watched all of these. I hate being in an alternate reality that’s a couple years behind ou–”

“Wait! Hold up, go back. No, the other way. Anne with an E?”

Dick whipped his head towards Jason, “You’ve never– shit, I forgot you were dead.” He clicked on the movie and grinned, “It’s an Anne of Green Gables adaptation.”

“Is it a good adaptation?”

“It was a good series.”

Jason ran a hand across his face, “They better not have ruined her.”

Dick played the first episode. They were about halfway through by the time Jay and younger Bruce came home.

“Oh! Are you guys watching Anne with an E? I love that show.”

Jason frowned and looked back at Jay, “But it’s nothing like the–”

“It’s a great show. Not based on any children’s book at all . Nope.” Jay sat in the armchair and pulled his knee to his chest, “Because if it was, it would ruin the books because it’s a lot darker than the source material. This show is great, because it’s not in any way related to Anne of Green Gables.”

Jason raised his eyebrows, and then thought back on all the episodes he’d been hating on because they took too many liberties. If he didn’t think about them as being an adaptation, he probably would really like the series.

But then he’d start thinking the same way about other adaptations. Then again, this was pretty good, just different.

It was really good.

Jason’s eyes weren’t watering up when Mathew and Merilla officially adopted Anne. No way. It was definitely not because it hit close to home. No way.

He glanced over at Jay to see if he was having the same reaction– only to find him asleep. Honestly, Jason’s surprised he felt safe enough to sleep around them.

The college tour must’ve taken a lot out of him.

Time went on, Bruce, Dick and Jason continued to work on the beacon, while Jay kept himself busy with the musical and school. Something about ‘Hell week’ and SATs. It was a big difference from the way Jason remembered splitting up his time during most of his years in the manor. Jay was more Jason Todd-Wayne than Robin.

Soon Jason would be more Jason Todd-Wayne than just Red Hood.

He heard the rhythm of Dick coming down the stairs, except, Dick was currently at the bat computer typing up a code for the beacon… so–

“Who the fuck are you guys and what are you doing here?” Younger Dick got into a fighting stance.

Hold up, “Is that.. A mullet ?” Jason whipped his head back towards the computer, “Dick, did you have a mullet?”

Older Dick turned around in the chair and offered younger Dick an apologetic shrug, “I’m assuming your Bruce didn’t tell you. A robin is the first sign of spring. ”

Bruce looked up from the workbench, “It’s one bad night for some ART , chum.”

Younger Dick seemingly relaxed, but he definitely still had his guard up, and glanced at Jason, “Why are you taller than me?”

Jason shrugged, “Green Gatorade.” Jason looked back towards older Dick, whose ears were red, so he definitely had that haircut, “You had a mullet in 2017 and you tried to tell me that I would fit in just fine when we were in the 80s.”

“No comment.”

Younger Dick looked from Jason to Dick, “What, were you not around?”

“ I was actually not around.” Younger Dick’s face contorted in the way it does when he’s upset with Bruce– Oh right, Jay told Dick about Bruce firing him from Robin and about being scared of being kicked out, “Because I was in a coma.”

Younger Dick paused, “What? For how long?”

“Um… that’s a great question.” Jason did a little bit of math, if he woke up on Halloween, and then Talia picked him up around May… “At max six months.”

That made Dick’s frown deepen as he slowly turned to Bruce, but older Dick cut in, “We don’t know exactly because Talia kidnapped him–”

“Oh my god, Richard, she did not kidnap me, I woke up, catatonic, and ran away from the hospital, and–”

“She found you and brought you to the league, technically against your will.”

“I was taking down league assassins on pure muscle memory, yet I didn’t attack her. That’s as close to self accord as it gets. Also, we’ve been to seven universes where she’s our mom.”

“You said we’ve been traveling to these universes because of the Law of Attraction. You probably thought of us being in a universe where Talia and Bruce were married.”

“I would not! Talia deserves so much better than Bruce.” Jason then turned to Bruce, “And I mean that full offense, Old Man. You have some major issues you need to sort through.”

Bruce looked up from the soldering bench, “What did I do?”

“You know what you did. Also, we’ve been too sappy recently. Where was all of this, say… five years ago? Huh?”

Younger Dick snorted, “You finally shedded the ‘ goody two shoes’ act.”

That fully caused Jason to reboot, “Excuse me, goody two shoes ? You're –”

Dick’s phone chimed, and he pulled out his phone, “Speak of the angel. A snap. From Jason.” He glanced at older Dick, “Bets on what it’ll be?”

Dick gave a fond smile and shook his head, “I would say whatever book he’s reading, but he’s in rehearsal right now, so…”

“I bet he’s going to be studying, while they’re in the middle of a break.” Dick opened the snap and grinned, shoving the phone in Jason’s face, showing Jay, sitting on a set piece behind stage, knee to his chest, writing in an SAT textbook that was balanced on top of a stand along with a little line of text that said, “ Tim here, Jason told me to tell u that u guys have guests, so don’t, hehe, flip out”

“Give me that.” Jason grabbed Dick’s phone out of his hands, started walking out of reach as he typed out, “that was a horrible pun. And you call yourself a fan”

“Wdym?”

He started running because Dick was using his flippy moves to catch up, “I know you know.”

Dick ripped the phone out of Jason’s hands, “What in the world?”

Older Dick peeked over Dick’s shoulder, and then shot Jason a deadpan expression, “Seriously?”

“Terrorizing Tim is my favorite hobby.” Jason shrugged “You said he’s known about our identities since he was nine.”

Younger Dick started typing away, “But now he’s gonna think I’m terrorizing him.”

“That’s the best part.”

“Why would I terrorize a 13 year old?”

“When I was 13 you literally told me that–”

“ I didn’t tell you anything.”

“ Ne nenene ne –”

Bruce let out a sharp whistle, “Quiet!”

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Jason and younger Dick looked at each other, “Stop that.” Dick covered Jason’s mouth, “Shut up, I’m older.”

Jason chomped down, and Dick immediately let go, “Are you?”

There was a moment when horror dawned on Dick’s face, but Bruce rolled his eyes, “You guys are the same age.”

“Yup, Jason turned 23, like, a month ago.”

Jason glared at older Dick, “You, absolute conniving, backstabbing two-timing whistle-blower. You’re supposed to be my brother and you deceive me like this? This is the single worst act of betrayal in my entire life.”

“Holy dramatic younger brother, Batman.”

Maybe it was a dumb idea to take the SATs the same week of the musical, but when Jay registered in December, he really didn’t think it would be much of a problem. It just made the most sense. In May, he had APs, in June he had finals, and yeah, he could always take them in August, but he still wanted to make sure he had enough time to retake the test in case he got a bad score. He also didn’t want to have to take the October SAT because it felt too close to the Early Decisions deadline.

So there he was at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday at a school that was in the town over, because Gotham City High doesn’t offer the SATs at their school because of the possibility of a rogue attack.

He felt his heart pound in his chest. His hands were sweaty, but his fingers were ice. He literally felt like this last night, and the night before. What even is this? He jumps off of buildings every night, and beats up pimps on a regular basis. Why does a silly little test have him square breathing?

Maybe all the adrenaline he’s had coursing through his body will finally catch up to him and he’ll have a heart attack and die.

Jay adjusted the compression sleeve on his knee, while going through the five four three two one method Alfred taught him for grounding.

He couldn’t give up just because he had an anxiety attack. Not when Jason looked so much like Papi when he said he'd be disappointed if he got anything below a 95. Obviously he knows Papi would be happy that Jay has an opportunity to get a good education. And he couldn’t waste that opportunity. He wasn’t going to.

He turned his attention to the proctor, and waited for the test to begin.

The beacon was up and running by Sunday and as a treat, they decided to catch the closing night Gotham City High’s production of Grease. Alternate reality Bruce, alternate reality Dick, and Alfred had been going to every single showing, and it was only right that they watched Jay perform, seeing all the hard work he put into it.

It wasn’t the worst thing ever. It just… wasn’t the best. The kid who played Danny Zuko wasn’t a really good singer and slightly behind the beat while singing. Jason could see the girl who played Sandy (who played the part beautifully) eye twitching whenever they had to sing together. And maybe Jason was biased, but Jay, who played Doody, and the girl who played Frenchy definitely stole the show. He could tell from the crowd’s reaction. The girl who played Frenchy was a really strong dancer and singer, and Jay did at least one flip or crazy high jump in every high energy dance number he was in.

Jason can imagine how that happened. The choreographer asks, ‘Say, isn’t your older brother Dick the flying Grayson? Did he ever teach you how to do a flip?’

Though, the way Jay flipped across stage gave no indication to the fact that he was Robin. They were heavier, with less bounce, and Jay acted like it took a lot out of him.

Younger Dick was the loudest person in the audience whenever Jay did a flip. It totally went against theater etiquette, but every time Jay’s grin grew wider.

All in all, it wasn’t the worst musical. Jason vaguely remembers the musical from the year before being a complete dumpster pile.

The six of them waited in the lobby for Jay, and watched as the cast slowly emerged to greet family and friends. Jay was one of the last people to show, but he was talking with a mini Tim and a kid who Jason assumed to be Ives. Though the Ives kid seemed to break off with a wave and head to his parents.

Jay was on a path towards them, but he kept getting stopped and congratulated. And even though Jay was staying polite, it was obvious he was out of his comfort zone.

“Oi! Mr. Superstar! Broadway called, they want their Blockbuster back!”

Some of the tension seemed to drain out of Jay as he carefully made his way to them, avoiding anyone else that seemed to come his way by being entirely engrossed in a conversation with Tim, “...to say the words ‘thank you’ so many times in the past three days, I’m starting to feel like a broken record.”

“The main thing they’re complimenting you on, are your flips. Those were like, fours. At best.”

Jay frowned, “I’d like to see you do six flips, while singing and dancing. An entire week in a row.”

“I feel like I could.” Tim had a slight smile that seemed to say ‘I know the exact thing you’re trying not to tell me.’ which he does. Which is probably why Tim looked a little confused when he saw Jason, Older Dick and Older Bruce. Obviously they were in disguises, aka, Bruce and Dick grew out their facial hair, and Jason was pulling off the Clark Kent special, so really they were doing the bare minimum, but also, less is more.

Tim stuck his hand out, “I’m Tim.”

Jason grinned, this was going to be so much fun, “And I’m Jason from an Alternate Universe.”

Jay facepalmed, “No he’s not. He’s joking. He’s my cousin.” Jay barely paused, searching for a name, “Peter. He can be a nuisance sometimes.”

Tim frowned, because he definitely knew Peter was Jason’s middle name, but went along with it, “You look like a Peter.”

Dick looked like he was having trouble holding back a laugh, “I’m Mark, I used to babysit Jay.”

Tim shook his hand, and turned to Bruce.

“I’m Noah. Willis was a friend of mine.”

Jason then butted in, “Aren’t you the kid who took the photos for the musical’s Instagram? They were really good.”

Tim grinned, “Thank you. It’s been a hobby of mine for a while now.”

Jason nodded, “I bet it has. You seem like someone who takes pictures of birds.”

He frowned, though it was in a what do you know sort of way, “There haven’t been any birds out in a while.”

Jason raised an eyebrow, “Whaddaya mean? I’ve definitely seen a couple today.” He glanced at Jay, who wasn’t even paying attention to their conversation. He was balanced on one leg stretching out his hamstring while zoned out on the wall behind Jason.

Tim, being the little gremlin he was, shoved Jay over. Of course, younger Bruce immediately caught him by the elbow.

Jay steadied himself and leveled a look at Tim, "Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning." Jay sighed, he pulled his keys out of his pocket, “I can’t wait for the three blankets and five pillows calling my name. Do you need a ride home, Tim? ”

“Actually, you probably have a plastic trophy with the title ‘ walking dictionary’ waiting for you.” Jay blinked, so Tim elaborated, “We have the cast party in like… thirty minutes. Remember?”

“Oh. Right, forgot about that.”

Younger Bruce frowned, “If you’re tired, Jay–”

“I’m fine.” He spun his keys, “We have enough time to hit the gas station. We’ll just buy a pack of Zestis or something.”

“Would you like me to drive you two?”

Jay rolled his eyes, “I won’t fall asleep at the wheel if that’s what you’re insinuating.” He turned to Jason, older Dick and Older Bruce, “Thanks for coming. I know you guys have been busy.”

“Anytime squirt.”

Jay turned to younger Dick, “Are you leaving for New York tonight or tomorrow?”

Dick opened his arms for an embrace, “Tonight. I gotta work tomorrow. April?”

Jay grinned as he returned the hug, “You bet. I already have a list of–”

Dick pulled away, “Alright, nerd, save it for later or I’ll forget come tour time.” He turned to Tim, “It was nice to finally meet you, by the way.”

Tim grinned, “We actually have met before this, but yeah.” He looked at the group as a whole, “It was nice meeting all of you.”

“Bye guys.” Jay limped slightly on his first step, but then caught a better rhythm.

Bruce being Bruce did catch the limp, concern spread across younger Bruce’s face, “Jason?”

“Yeah, D–dad?” Jay looked back, seemingly surprised at how easily the D word came out. He glanced at Jason in panic, before blinking and looking back at Bruce with hesitation.

Bruce wasn’t expecting it either, based on his bewildered expression, like he had been handed a great honor of being called ‘Dad’. “Have fun, son.” The words flowed like water out of his mouth. Like that’s all he’s been wanting to say. “And drive safely. I don’t want to have to explain to the Drakes why their kid was in a car accident.”

Jay grinned “Puh-lease, I’m a better driver than Dick and you know it.”

Tim side eyed him, “You drive like a grandma.”

“Hush, little freshman. Safer is better than faster.” Jay took two more steps towards the exit, but turned back and surged towards Bruce, who immediately returned the hug, mumbling something into his hair. Something he couldn’t hear from where he was standing, but could see the way Alfred seemed to lock away the moment to treasure. The way younger Dick’s face flashed with something wistful, but then turned into a proud little smile.

It twisted something in Jason’s stomach. Part of him wanted to look at his Bruce. Try to piece together what he’s thinking. The other part forced him to look anywhere else. Not towards Jay and Bruce, not towards his Bruce, anywhere else.

He turned to the wall Jay was zoning out on early, only to come face to face with a giant lavender cancer ribbon, with a QR code to a donation center. No wonder Jay was zoned out on it earlier. It probably reminded him of Mami.

He traced a hand over the silky fabric.

God, he hopes Tim and Babs get their signal soon.

Jay and Tim were currently sitting in the warmth of Jay’s car, sipping on their Zestis while waiting in the venue’s parking lot. They were about 15 minutes early, and the only person in there was the music director, who was nice, but one on one conversations with her were kinda awkward, so they decided to wait for more people to show up.

Tim was talking about gossip he’d heard while mic-ing up some of his castmates, and Jay was trying his hardest to pay attention, but he couldn’t ride the adrenaline high anymore. He was sore all over in addition to the ache that refused to leave his knee. He’s starting to think he seriously ruined something in it. Which was so dumb because he hasn’t been out as Robin in almost a month, yet this morning his knee was all red and slightly swollen. The compression sleeve apparently wasn’t doing its job.

He rested the Zesti on his knee, letting the coolness numb the pain. If anything it made it feel worse.

Tim leaned back on the headrest, “So… your cousin. Peter.”

Jay groaned. He knew that bald face lie didn’t fly at all. “Ya know what? I know you know. Let's just stop pretending.” He really just… didn’t have the energy to come up with a lie.

“Well, there goes plausible deniability.” Tim took a sip of his Zesty, “There’s no way that was supposed to be you. He’s too tall.”

Jay massaged the area right below his kneecap, “He died when he was fifteen and then came back to life. Dick said he spent time with the League of Assassins and possibly took a dip in a cursed fountain of youth. So that's probably why he's tall. Magical growth hormones.”

“Fuck.” Tim looked out into the parking lot, “That seems like the lottery of trauma.” He turned back to Jay with a shit eating grin, “Maybe you should go for a swim. Grab a couple feet of height.”

“Don’t go shaming me for being short. Alternate reality Dick said you stop growing at 5 '6”.”

He frowned, “How would they even know me?”

“I dunno, Tim.” Jay still didn’t understand the logic of letting another kid be Robin after the last one died in the suit. (He snooped and found the comic books in Jason’s room, and he had said it was pretty much scene for scene how he died.) Obviously, he didn’t know the context behind most of the things that happened in their universe, and it was a lot, so he just… tried not to dwell on it.

“Do normal Bruce and Dick know I know?”

Jay nodded.

“Can I see the batcave?”

He just side eyed Tim.

The next morning, Jason, Dick, Bruce and Bruce were all sitting around the table eating breakfast, when Jay came down with eyebags to rival Bruce’s and flushed skin.

He made eye contact with Jay, who’s eyes began to look glossy, but he blinked a couple times, before sitting in his seat.

Well, Jay’s definitely sick, but not missing school for anything. He never did.

“Master Jason, are you feeling alright?”

He looked in the general direction of where Alfred was, giving him a slight nod, before looking back at his bowl. Jay picked up his spoon, and began pushing it around, when his eyes started to droop and–

Jason caught Jay by the forehead before he could face plant into his oatmeal.

Then he frowned and placed the back of his hand to Jay's forehead, glancing at younger Bruce and then Alfred, “I think he has a fever.”

Bruce placed the back of his hand on Jay's cheek, “Hm. 100.7.”

Jay blinked lazily at Bruce, “‘m fine.”

“You’ve had a lot going on this week. Maybe you should rest.”

“I’m…” Jay trailed off, eyes turning glossy again, so he buried them in his palms, “I’m so tired.”

“I know. Alfred, could you call the school? And Lucius?” Bruce accepted a damp cloth from Dick, placed it around Jay’s neck, and smoothed back his hair, “Why don’t you try to finish your food and then you can go back to bed.”

Jay just nodded and picked up his spoon.

Jay’s fever was slowly rising throughout the day, causing younger Bruce to slowly become more and more frantic because Jay refused to take any form of medication. Now that Jason really thought about it, despite the couple times he has gotten sick, he’s never gotten a fever while living in the manor.

Currently, Jason was trying to read, but younger Bruce was looking through the shelves that held Thomas Wayne’s old medical textbooks, but they didn’t seem to have what Bruce was looking for. He pulled out a couple herbology books and went to sit in the armchair closest to Jason.

“Bruce, Alfred already gave Jay pansy tea with ginger and lemon.” That’s like, the first natural remedy you find on a mommy blog.

“His fever is at 102.6, now.”Still Bruce continued to flip through the pages, “When Dick was younger, his fevers never got this high. He’d take the ibuprofen and be better the next day, but Jason just won’t take it. I tried, Alfred tried, even Dick tried.” Bruce suddenly had a look on his face that meant he had a Batman idea.

Jason threw his pack of post-its at Bruce, “Don’t you dare drug him. He’ll immediately know and then won’t trust you, and then he won’t eat anything for the next couple days, and that’s worse.” Bruce buried his head in his hands.

Jason closed his book and rested his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands, “Do you have those single seal packs?” He knew the answer would be no. In a family of vigilantes, it’s easier to buy painkillers in bulk, which always makes something twist in Jason’s stomach. The bottles are easier to lace with other substances. Though the single seal ones are more expensive.

Bruce stood up and looked at Jason, “Do you think he will take them?”

Jason thought about it for a moment. The single seal painkillers were the only type he kept in his first aid kit, but most of the time it was Dick, Tim, or Steph using them. The only time he’s taken them was that one time he got sepsis, and it was a joint effort from Steph and Dick to actually get him to take them. “I’m not sure… but he’s more likely to take them with the sealed packaging. I could try to convince him, but I’m not gonna push it.” It would be pretty hypocritical.

Bruce was already gone.

So that’s how Commissioner Gordon feels.

Jason picked his book back up and continued reading. Not thirty minutes later, Jay limped into the library, wearing his blankets like a cape, and he sat down right next to Jason, using him as a human shield, from Bruce who was on his tail.

“Jason please, if your fever gets any worse, we’ll have to–”

Jason motioned for him to put the medicine and glass of water on the table. Bruce relented, and to his credit, didn’t complain, when Jason waved him off, but Jason was certain that he was going to sit outside the library doors.

Jay sighed in relief, “Finally. Some me time.”

“Uhuh, and what does that make me?” Jason asked while flipping a page.

Jay frowned at him, but apparently didn’t see the give Jason a response, so he continued to read. He could feel Jay’s eyes on him, but considering how sick he currently was, Jason assumed he zoned out, “Did you overheat over there? Maybe three blankets are too many.”

Jay kicked off two of the blankets, and immediately started shivering like a chihuahua.

“Jason, I need a response. If a fever gets too high, it can cause brain damage.”

Jay pulled his blanket around himself tighter, “Shuddup– you’re not real.”

Jason was about to retort back with an ouch, I feel pretty real , when a smaller shivering Jay superimposed onto Jay’s shivering figure. One, who in his last moments thought that Jason was his Papi, because he was so out of it.

So… Jay probably thought he was a hallucination. Though his fever wasn’t high enough for one. It was, however, high enough for confusion, and he’s not going to actively pretend to be Papi, but he wasn’t going to correct Jay until he explicitly said something about it.

“You should take the medicine. It’s the good kind too. Name brand and all that.”

Jay shook his head, “No.”

“Ok.” And yeah, maybe Jason eased up way too quickly, but he could always go back to that point. Or use reverse psychology. Whatever makes more sense in the moment.

He continued reading, while Jay continued to shiver and stare, “What book are you reading?”

“The Chronicles of Narnia.” The spine was worn, not too much, but that perfect amount where you could easily flip the pages. It was a hardback, and there were post-it notes on the pages that his favorite scenes or lines were on. “I know it’s more of Mami’s thing, but would you like me to read to you?”

Jay nodded.

Jason flipped back to the beginning of ‘Prince Caspian’ and started to read out loud. Three chapters in, Jay started listing towards the side, until his head brushed Jason’s shoulder, and he shot back up in confusion.

Jason rolled his eyes, “Yes I’m real. You should probably take the medicine if you thought I was a hallucination. It’s in single seal packaging, so it’s unlikely that it’s been tampered with.”

“No.” Jay grabbed one of the pillows on the couch and placed it on Jason’s lap, before resting his head on the pillow. “Continue reading.”

So he did, and he found himself carding his fingers through Jay’s hair, just like Mami used to do with him. Now that he thinks about it, he thinks they read the entire Chronicles of Narnia while Mami got her chemo. He was young at the time. He only really remembers reading the series in the manor, but every time he reads the books, something melancholy settles in his chest. He always thought it was because the Pevensies died, but… maybe it’s because it reminds some part of him of her.

He heard Jay’s breath catch, and nothing really exciting was currently happening in the book. Then it hitched again and–

Oh shit, he was crying. Jason made him cry. Bruce is gonna kill him. But also, Jay’s fever was probably up to 103 by now, so it could hardly be Jason’s fault.

“What’s wrong?”

Jay sniffed and wiped the tears from his eyes, “Nothin’.” He took in a shaky breath, “I was just thinking about Mami.” it came out pretty even, and Jason was about to start reading again, when Jay just started sobbing.

Fuck. What was he supposed to do? He wishes Dick was here. He’d know what to do. Jason rubbed little circles into Jay’s shoulder, “Hey, it’s ok. I still miss her too.”

“No– It’s not– you don’t–” He started sobbing harder, “I’m sick .”

Jason pressed the back of his hand to Jay’s temple, “I’m not Bruce, but I’m pretty sure your fever has continued to rise.”

“Fuck.” Jay looked like he was about to say something else, but he sat up abruptly and grabbed the box of Motrin. He wiped the tears from his eyes, and carefully inspected the box for any indication it could be tampered with. Then he set it back down on the table, rubbing the palm of his hand into his knee. “I’m really sick .” His eyes began to water again, “I don’t– I can’t– not like Mami.”

Jason focused on the small little box on the table, “It was only bad when it didn’t come from a safe place. Bruce probably got that from a fancy Bristol CVS. And the fancy Bristol CVS had to get it from Texas. On an FDA-audited cGMP-certified site. It’s not Hydrocodine, and it’s only this once. Just to bring down your fever.”

Jay stared at Jason. Like he was debating telling him something, but then his expression hardened, “You don’t get it.” He sniffed, “Of course you don’t get it. She wasn’t your mom.”

It was scathing and did its job at picking at the scab wound that Jason never really had the chance to heal. It made Jason want to spit back a retort equally as cruel, “She might not have been my mom by blood, but she also raised me. And I know for a fact that she didn’t raise you to use her name in a vain argument just to get someone off your back because you’re anxious about taking a pill.” He stood up to leave, but paused, “I’m not forcing you to do or take anything, but I will say, if you don’t take the fever reducers, you’ll have to go to the ER.”

Jay seemed to pale at that, and eyed the box, “Can…can you stay?”

He rolled his eyes and sat back down, also staring at the box.

He counted to 84 before Jay finally picked up the packaging again. 73 as he inspected the box once more. Then another 57 before he actually opened the thing. Jay slid the plastic tray that held the individual pills out of the box. Where he just stared at it.

Jason wasn’t going to rush Jay. Hell, it probably took Jason longer just to open the box when he had sepsis.

Jay took a deep breath in and broke off the little square. He held his breath for a count of eight as he peeled back the foil that sealed the tablet in, and breathed out on a count of eight while keeping his eye on the pill like it might explode.

Jason was square breathing right alongside the kid. And he wasn’t even the one taking the damn thing. He’s the least qualified person under this roof to be doing this. “You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.”

Jay glared at Jason, and popped the tablet in his mouth. Panic immediately filled Jay’s face as he realized what he was about to do.

Jason grabbed the glass of water on the table and handed it to Jay, “Wash it down, wash it down.”

Jay chugged the glass of water. Once he was finished with it, he leaned back and rested the glass on his cheek, like an ice pack.

Not two seconds later, younger Bruce walked in, “I’m so proud of you, Jay.” Bruce went to give Jay a hug, but he stood up and staggered out of the Library.

Bruce frowned and went to follow Jay, but Jason grabbed his arm, “Stop hovering.”

“I’m not hovering.” Jason gave him a look, and Bruce sat down and sighed “Ok, fine. Though can you blame me for worrying?”

“Yes.” Jason was just going to leave it at that, but then he added, “He’s 16. He’s not going to appreciate you hovering. There are going to be times where he needs you like water, but if– hmm… it’s kinda like a plant. If you overwater it, it wilts, if you underwater it, it shrivels up. But if you water it the right amount…”

“It blooms.”

Jason nodded, “Usually, you seem to be doing a good job at riding that middle line of letting Jason know you’re there if he needs you. I mean, he did call you Dad yesterday– but right now, you’re overwatering. Wait at least 30 minutes.”

“Ok.” Bruce nodded, “That’s a really good analogy, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Jason grinned, “If you’re planning on writing a parenting book, quote me.”

That weekend, after his fever had broken, Jay let Tim into the batcave.

To start his Robin training.

Did Bruce know that? No. Did Tim know that? Also no. But the only thing keeping Jay from officially hanging up the cape was the thought of leaving Bruce without someone to protect his six. Obviously there was Helena Bertilini and Stephanie Brown, but Bruce didn’t trust them. Not in the same way he trusted him or Dick. And Selena mostly stuck to Crime Alley.

He needs to have his affairs in order, and Robin was the biggest object.

Jay probably would’ve chosen Stephanie to take up the mantle. She seems to have that Robin sparkle, and kinda reminds him a bit of Dick. Caring and kind, but not to be underestimated because she does have an aggressive streak. Not that Jay ever did underestimate her. But her dad did. And now he’s in Blackgate. She’d actually be a really good Robin, considering she's already out some nights fighting crime, and she’s proven herself to be really smart. But she doesn’t know their secret identities and Tim does.

Pros and cons. Mainly pros.

Jay has seen her a couple of times around school. Though he’s interacted with her more as Spoiler and Robin rather than Stephanie and Jason. She’s a year older than Tim, but he skipped a grade so they were both freshmen… “Hey Tim. Do you know a Stephanie Brown?”

Currently, they were running a simulation under the guise of fooling around, but Jay was trying to assess where Tim’s skill level was currently at. Another pro about Tim is that apparently he’s been taking martial arts classes for a while, and was already pretty good at fighting. Not vigilante good, but better than your average person.

“Yeah. She’s in my geometry class– aw… shit!” a holographic mugger had stabbed him in the gut, causing the simulation to end for him. “And my world history class. What about her?”

Jay finished off the rest of the muggers and smirked, “Nothin’.” He made sure to keep his breathing even, “I was just tryna distract ya.” not quite. He put the name in Tim’s mind, and now, he’d keep an eye out for her.

Tim gave him a deadpan look, as he flopped on the floor “For Gotham’s physical manifestation of hope, you sure are a dick.”

That made Jay grin, “All I’m hearin’ is that I’m great at my job. Almost like the original.”

“Please. With your sloppy ass flips, you’re not even close to being Dick Grayson.”

Jay carefully lowered himself onto the floor and brought his right knee to his chest, “At least a nine year old with a hyperfixation won’t figure out my secret identity.”

That seemed to get Tim to pause, and flip him off. “You know what will give your secret identity away?”

“If this is the point where you betray me, I’m going to kill myself before Bruce does with his lecture about trusting people.”

Tim clutched his fake pearls in offense, “Do you truly think so little of me? No. I was going to say your premature grays.”

That got Jay scrambling for his phone. When was the last time he touched up his roots? Wait– he did it the night before opening night, “You contemptible human splotch, I touched up my roots a week ago! This is why your parents don’t love you.”

“I’m an angel in my parents' eyes. They love me. Can you say the–” Tim cut himself off when he realized what he was about to say.

“The entirety of Gotham thinks I’m an angel.”

Tim smirked and pointed up, “Angel Robin.”

He knew Tim was referencing Jason’s death, but it made something twist in his stomach. He shook his head, “What are you talkin’ about? He’s Jesus Robin. Duh.”

Jay was right about the whole ‘placing Stephanie’s name into Tim’s head so he’d hang out with her’ thing. Except he was right in the wrong way, because apparently Tim had gotten her snap and they were ‘talking’ . Tim ‘talks’ to a lot of people. At the same time. So that kind of makes things a bit messy… but it’s ok. He’ll work it out. Mainly, it’s for him to create a real world connection with her if she ever needs someone. Because he knows Bruce, and if it seems like Jay was close to her before he– no. He might not, he might– quits. Before he quits, he might trust Spoiler to be more of an ally.

Hopefully.

So there Robin was, waiting on a fire escape in the Burrows that’s near a diner Spoiler’s known to frequent. He could’ve waited on the roof of her house, but that would be too intimidating. This way it’s more casual.

He heard the fire escape rattling above him and knew it was her coming down. Batman would be much more silent.

“Hi there Robin. I see you gotchur big boy pants on.”

“Thanks. They have pockets.” While technically, it was warm enough for him to go back to wearing the green shorts with flesh colored tights underneath, he was wearing green cargo pants to hide the compression sleeve he had on his knee. He still hasn’t told Bruce about it, and he intends to keep it that way until he has all his affairs organized. “I gotcha some waffles. Ya don’t havta eat ‘em now.” He handed the to-go bag to her.

“I’m not complainin’ ‘bout free food.” she paused and looked around, “Is the Bat with ya? Is this supposed to be a trap?”

“Nah, the Bat’s in Burnley.” He played with the straw of his milkshake.

“Gotcha, gotcha.” She nodded, taking the box out of the bag, and lifted her mask over her mouth, “So, Boy Wonder, what brings ya here this time? Epic team up? Soon we’ll be more popular than you and your boss.”

Jay gave her a small smile, “Nah. I just wanted to talk with ya. I dunno, there’s not many heroes our age.”

“And how d’ya know I’m not… 37.”

He slurped his milkshake in response.

Spoiler put her fork down and tilted her head in exasperation, “Robin, this is how you get groomed.”

He paused, “How old do you think I am?”

“I dunno, 12? 13? You’re kinda short for a 13 year old, though.”

Jay slowly nodded. He might’ve had a growth spurt recently, but he was still only 5’4”. “I’m older than you think, Barney. And, I know you’re around my age because Batman’s kinda a stalker. Sorry.”

She turned to look down over the streets, “Is that why you’re here? To apologize for your creepy old man’s behavior and then stick me in juvie for vigilantism?”

“That would be pretty hypocritical.” he dangled his feet over the edge of the fire escape, also looking down. If he was higher up and he fell, he would go splat and everything would stop. That would surely be easier. “And no, that's not the reason I’m here.” He dug out a slip of paper from his pocket. “That has my number on it. Batman doesn’t really trust you, but I do. If you ever need anything, whether that be better gear, someone to help clean up some bad guys, or just someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a text.” He went to stand up, “You’re Robin approved. Don’t forget that.” And he grappled away.

According to Dick, something was off about Jay. Yeah, sure, maybe the kid was spending a lot more time in his room and lowkey self isolating, but “He probably wants some time to himself. We’ve been staying with them for over a month, and we’re practically strangers. Not to mention, he’s just getting over another fever.” It was weird. They happened within a month of each other. And Jason considered himself to have a pretty good immune system. He’d only get seriously sick, once every couple years.

Dick frowned at the plate he’d set down, “I don’t think that’s it.”

“Ok… then what do you think is off?” Jason placed the water pitcher in the center of the table.

Dick stayed silent as he gathered his thoughts until they finished setting up the table and then he motioned towards the porch. “Ok.” He started as soon as he shut the door behind them, “I haven’t talk to either of the Bruces about this yet, because it’s… it’s–” He clamped his mouth shut, and took in a breath through his nose, “Fuck, this is so much easier to talk about with strangers.”

So this was probably something really serious. Like, spilling things to a stranger is easy because you don’t know them, but as soon as you try to say the same things to someone you have a history with…

Dick pursed his lips, “Ok, so, remember back in the fifth reality we went to, when, um, we were at your grave?”

“...yes?” That was honestly the second least traumatizing Death of Jason they’d experienced throughout their whole trip. “What about it?”

His knee started bouncing up and down, but then he straightened up, and stilled himself. “I’ve been thinking of something you said when we were there, and I was planning on talking about it once we got home, but now I feel like it kinda relates to what I’m feeling is off with Jay.” Dick looked Jason square in the eyes. The look was like steel, yet it was filled with so much apprehension, that Jason couldn’t break away. “You said you’re supposed to be dead . Which, I don’t believe to be true at all. You came back for a reason. A reason those higher entities who call you a mistake don’t even know, which makes them fear you.”

“Dick–”

“Let me finish. I’m not going to push this conversation now. I’m not going to push it if you don’t want to have the conversation ever. Just know I’m here for you if you need me. I’ve had my fair share of issues too.”

He looked out to the rose bushes that were still bare due to the late March temperature fluctuations.That… that was a lot to unpack, but he did say they could unpack it later, or never, so he focused on the bigger issue, “I… don’t think I see how this relates to Jason.”

“Yes you do.”

“Ok, I don’t see why you’re asking me .” He shifted so his entire body was facing Dick, “I wasn’t able to be 16 years old. For all we know, they could literally be mood swings. For me, the highs have always felt like I could touch the moon, and the lows were like falling into the Mariana trench.” He drummed his fingers on the armrest, “I get you’re concerned, but also, Jay has goals that are a lot clearer than the dream I refused to let myself believe in before I died. He knows he has a place here. He wouldn’t give all that up.”

“You really think so?”

Jason paused. The memory of why Gloria Stanson hanging in her room had felt like it ripped something out of him and shoved something in. Because there were certain parts of his time on the streets that he refused to remember. And her hanging there because of what Garzonas had done to her–

It forced him to remember.

And not in the way he remembered while running into the people he worked for. Those people had made something under his skin crawl in a way that had him scrubbing his skin raw.

Gloria had reminded him of it in vivid detail. And he remembered watching Garzonas fall, wondering if the splat would make everything finally stop so he could catch up.

But they were just intrusive thoughts. He would’ve never acted on them.

Right?

Intrusive thoughts are probably what runs through his brain the most ever since his dip in the Lazarus pit, but he’s never acted on them.

There was a knock on the door, before Alfred opened it, “Supper is ready, Masters.”

They walked back inside to wash their hands before sitting down at the table with Bruce, Bruce and Jay.

Jay who… looked thinner than when they’d first met. Whose eyes seemed to have bags that could rival Bab’s. Whose skin appeared to be dull, even though he’s been recovered from his second fever for a week and a half.

He looked to Dick, who was giving him a barely there ‘ see what I mean?’ look.

Jason piled some more food onto Jay’s plate, “You gotta eat more, kid. Otherwise you’ll never be as tall as me.”

Jay grimaced for a second before masking it behind a neutral mask, and turned to look Jason in the eyes, “You had a Lazarus Pit.” he pushed around some vegetables on his plate, “‘sides, I wasn’t plannin’ on it. Growin’ wrong sucks.” he barely mumbled under his breath.

Younger Bruce was talking to older Bruce, and Alfred, but Dick definitely heard, because some of the blood rushed from his face.

Jason looked back to Jay, “What? What do you mean?”

A flurry of emotions flashed over Jay’s face before settling on a glare, and standing up, “You’re an idiot and you don’t know nothin’.” and stormed out.

Jason pushed his chair out to follow, but Dick stopped him, “I’ll go.” and just like that, he was gone.

Younger Bruce frowned, “What’s the matter?”

Jason just shrugged, “Nothin’.”

Jay stopped, taking a break halfway up the stairs, heart pounding in his ears. Jason figured it out. Of course he figured it out. He knew he was going to figure it out first and that’s exactly why he’d been avoiding him. Now Jason was going to tell Bruce, and it was going to ruin all of his plans and they’re all going to treat him differently and–

God, he wants to be able to talk to Mami so bad.

He sat down on the stairs, rubbing the knot that was forming under his sturnum. Bruce was going to find out eventually. He just wanted to tell him about it once he had all of his affairs in place. He wanted to tell him when he was ready to.

Dick sat down next to him. Seemingly not keen on filling the silence with anything.

Honestly, Jay was pretty sure that Dick would’ve gone ghost for a couple hours after learning. At least he was sure that’s what his brother Dick would do. Then he’d come back and insist they watch a lousy reality TV show together.

Honestly, this Dick was pretty diffent from his brother. Still the same person fundamentally, but a lot more mature. Which made sense, considering he was like… 30.

Jay held himself as stiff as cardboard. Waiting for Dick to say something like ‘I’m so sorry,’ or ‘We’re going to help you get better.’

“You know, you and Dick seem a lot closer than my Jason and I were when he was Robin.”

Jay shrugged, not knowing where this was going, “You’re a busy person. I get it. I’m pretty sure your Jason gets it too…” He pulled his knee to his chest, and turned his head to look at Dick, “I’m assuming he told you guys?”

Dick pursed his lips, “No. I actually told him, but we haven’t told Bruce yet.”

There was a short burst of relief that morphed into guilt, “Why would you tell Jason?” He placed his forehead on his knee. It’s rule number one of telling people about heavy experiences they’ve seen happen to their parents at a young age.

He could feel the guilt radiating off of Dick, “I’m sorry. I just… I wanted to make sure before I jumped to conclusions, and considering you and Jason have similar experiences–”

“We don’t? I mean, technically, genetically, we’re not even the same person.”

Dick paused, “Wait, what are you talking about?”

Jay lifted up his head, “What are you talking about?”

“I thought… you were depressed. Like… dangerously so.”

The knot under his sternum unraveled, “I don’t want to die! I wanna have a life. I want to live . God, I just started to actually let myself live, why would I give all this up on purpose?” If he had a choice he’d live a long healthy life, “Sometimes the PTSD catches up to me. That’s all. Bruce and I, we have a system for when things get harder to deal with. Babs is also working on a Therapy AI for the Justice League, the Titans, and any other heroes who might need it. I’m currently the Guinea Pig, but it’s helped me sort through some things. All she needs to work on is making sure everything stays confidencial and can’t be hacked.”

He could feel the tension dissipate from Dick, “Then what did you mean by ‘you weren’t planning on growing’. ”

He banged his forehead against his knee grasping for strings, “Growing bones suck.” he finally settled on. Cus they do.

Dick slowly nodded, “Growing pains?”

That… was actually a sturdy rope, “Yeah.” It would buy him the time that he needs and provide an excuse, “But also, I know I probably won’t grow much more. Maybe an inch or two. Childhood malnutrition’s a major setback.” and maybe if he wasn’t finally shooting up, his bones wouldn’t be as dilapidated. “It’s just been a busy couple of months, and I think everything’s finally catching up to me. I’m ok, though, and I do realize I could’ve worded that better.”

“I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.” he laughed, “Some detective I am.”

“Yeah.” some detectives, alright.

Jay had just finished taking out some would-be rapist with Spoiler. He cuffed the unconscious man to the nearest lamp post as Spoiler consoled the woman.

Something was bubbling under his chest. It was dread, it was ire, it was– something inside him that refused to heal. That kept growing and growing and growing and–

He realized he’d fully zoned out while helping Stephanie walk the woman home, and now she was leading them to the old playground that had long since been known for child traffickers.

They both sat on the two tire swings, in silence until Jay said, “Ya know, the first time I met the Bat, I was boostin’ his tires.”

She let out a surprised laugh, “What? You stole Batman’s tires.”

He offered her a tired smile, “Yeah. It’s not a story I get to tell often. Seein’ as, ya know, secret identities. He caught me of course. Cus he’s Batman, but I hit him with the tire iron and ran away. I didn’t even get all four.”

Stephanie was full on laughing at that point, “Now all I can picture is a scrawny little eight year old hitting Batman in the ankles and calling him a loser.”

“I actually called him ‘ a big boob’ . And I was twelve. Again, I’m older than you think.”

Stephanie tilted her head, doing the math, “And you’ve been Robin, for what, three years? You’re 15?”

“16.” He corrected, “I’ll be 17 in August.” Jay looked up to the moon. It was full tonight, and he bets the gravity of it was causing the throbbing in his knee to be unbearable, “It’s a pretty good retirement age, doncha think?”

Stephanie looked at him, “Jesus Christ you’re short.” She also looked up at the moon, “Ya know, there’s a rumor that Nightwing was the old Robin. Same flips, same jokes. Knows the lay of the land.”

Jay scooted the swing so he was a bit closer to Steph and whispered, “Between you and me, that rumor’s right, but don’t tell anyone.” he let go and the swing started rocking at an angle.

“So, you’re plannin’ on graduating. Gotta new name yet?” She timed the swing so that they were in sync, “Am I gonna see ya around, or are ya gonna leave for New York like Big Blue?”

“Nah, like I said, I’m retirin’. Hanging up the cape. I haven’t told Batman yet though. I just wanted to let ya know just so you’re not blind sided if there’s a new Robin after me.”

“I’ve never heard of a superhero retirin’.” They swung in silence for a minute, “Are you dyin’ or somethin’? Is this the last time I’m gonna see you?”

A low ringing filled Jay’s hearing, “Hopefully not.”

“...To which question?”

“Madame Eggplant, your questions are startin’ to lean into the ‘too personal’ side.” He looked at the bench Mami used to sit at as Papi helped him on the monkey bars, “Besides, you have my number. If ya miss me too badly, just call.” He leaned his head against the rope, “I’ll try to see if my boss’ll let me spill the beans on who I am.”

“I think Gotham’s gonna miss you, Boy Wonder.”

He looked back to the moon with a rueful smile, “I’ll miss her too.”

Ok, so, Tim was coming pretty far in his training, Stephanie has his number and knows to expect a new Robin, so now all that’s left is to tell Bruce he’s retiring. Four week notice. His week with the Titans would be his official last week as Robin.

Now how he goes about that… that’s the real question.

Currently they were busting a drug trafficking ring. Batman and Robin. The dynamic duo. As they should.

Did each kick send a throb through Jay’s leg? Yes. Did every flip make him want to crumple into a ball, cradle his knee tight to his chest and cry? Yes. Though he had a job to do. He could cry about the pain later. And who knows. Maybe it would just go away on its own.

He knows that’s not how it works.

Robin took out the last goon in his corner of the warehouse, searching around the place for any more threats. Batman was also done and cuffing up all the goons.

“Are you alright, Robin?”

Jay controlled his heavy breathing and nodded, “Yeah.” He walked over to the crates, making sure to keep the weight on both his legs even.

He paused, hands resting against the closest crate. God, he was so tired .

“Robin?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, B.” but he couldn’t put enough strength in the words. They trailed off at the end. So he pulled a batarang out of one of his pockets and pried open the crate.

Explosives?

He walked around the crates and– “Bomb. Batman there’s a bomb. Twelve minutes 53 seconds.”

“Evacuate the building.” Batman threw an unconscious goon over each of his shoulders in a fireman’s carry.

Jay hoisted a dazed goon to his feet and encouraged him up, supporting most of his weight. And that was their system. Bruce carrying the unconscious ones and Jay dragging the ones who were barely there.

Except he could barely support himself with his bad knee, much less grown men who were double his size and weight. Still he pushed through. There were people’s lives on the line. They were only working these jobs because they needed the money. They didn’t deserve to die a fiery death.

His right leg was numb with pain, and his left leg buzzed in exhaustion. He could feel his heart pounding in his temples and sweat trickle down his neck.

This was the last person. He could see the safety of Batman’s cape in front of him, moving the victims further from the blast radius. He was almost there.

Then the world went bright behind him. He tackled the person he was holding to the ground, covering both of them in as much of his cape as possible.

A blast of hot–burning air– swept through his hair as the crack of the explosion caused his ears to ring.

“ROBIN!!!”

Jay rolled off the goon as soon as he was sure the explosions were done, because he was 90% sure he was on fire.

A dark fabric kept batting at his head.

Something wrapped around his upper arm, and pulled him up into a seated position, but he immediately pulled away. No way was he getting kidnapped.

Then he looked at who was trying to help him.

“ Dad.” Jay leaned his head on the bat on his chest.

Bruce wrapped his arms tighter around Jay, and planted a kiss on his forehead, “Don’t… don’t ever scare me like that again. Do you hear me?”

He barely could, because his ears were ringing, but he nodded, “Then you’ll be thrilled to hear that I’m handin' in my four week notice.”

Bruce let out a sigh, “ Thank God.”

Huh. Apparently it wasn't that hard.

Ever since Dick told Jason that he had just jumped to conclusions, Jason couldn’t help but feel a surge of vindication, because of course he knows himself best.

Except, he knew himself best, and there was something wrong.

Obviously, the kid almost got blown up a couple days ago, but other than the singed hair, and fussing over how he can apply burn cream himself (which, makes sense), like Dick said, something was off . The weight loss, the dull skin, the visible exhaustion. It was like something was sucking the life out of Jay.

Nope. He’s not allowed to think like that. Positive thinking attracts positive vibes.

They were all currently down in the cave, debating on whether or not they should amplify the beacon’s signal, or just make their own interdimensional machine. They made the beacon because they didn’t expect to be in this reality for as long as they had been.

He glanced at Jay who was sitting on a stool, kneading the area right below his knee, seemingly zoned out. Jason backed out of the circle he, Bruce, Bruce, and Dick were in to lean against the table next to Jay, “You ok?”

Jay sat up straight, “Yeah. Just… growing pains.”

Jason nodded. He remembers having those when Alfred’s meal plan started to actually prove fruitful. He also remembers freaking out whenever his elbows ached because he was afraid he’d have an x-ray come back and show he had a tumor just like Mami. Obviously, that was before he realized he didn’t have a genetic disposition to cancer. Not like–

No. He’s probably over thinking.

“If you want, I can show you some stretches I usually do when my chronic pain flares up.”

Jay frowned, “Right now?”

He shrugged, “If you want.”

Jay looked to where Dick and the Bruces were pointing out the pros and cons of building a new interdimensional machine when time could just be moving differently across realities. “Yeah, sure, why not.”

They moved towards the mats, where they started with basic standing stretches– hands to toes, heel to glutes, knee to chest– then the sitting ones– sit and reach, one while flexing their ankles and the other while pointing their toes.

Then Jason instructed Jay to go on his knees for child's pose. A crackle came from Jay’s knee, as his eyes widened and he immediately shifted his weight to extend his leg in front of him.

That… that wasn’t the pop of joints letting out an air bubble. That was the sound of a bone breaking.

But that was nothing– bones don’t break just by putting weight on them.

Unless…

The weight loss, the exhaustion, the fevers, the bone pains–

‘I’m really sick’ ‘I can’t– not like Mami’ ‘she wasn’t your mom’ ‘growing wrong sucks’

He opened his mouth to call for Bruce, but a hand was suddenly clamped over it, “I’ll explain in the medbay?”

Jason hoisted Jay to his feet as gently as possible, while still being firm about it, closing the medbay doors behind them and hoisting Jay up onto the cot, “How long?”

Jay tilted his head, “Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Papi when you’re worried.”

“And you look just like Mami when she was sick.” he spat back, “Jesus, kid, how long has your damn knee been hurting?”

“I dunno…”

Jason crossed his arms, “You don’t know.”

“Ok fine. February.” He grimaced, “Maybe at the end of January.”

‘I have no wit, no words, no tears; My heart within me like a stone’

Jason felt the blood drain from his face, “That was two and a half months ago.”

“I didn’t think it was that bad until–” Jay looked at his knee and mumbled, “Until you read to me when I had the first fever.”

“Ok.” He took in a deep breath, trying to keep himself from yelling, “Ok. You’ve still had about a month to tell Bruce or Alfred.”

“Well I’m so sorry that telling someone felt like it made this all real!”

“Ignoring a tumor doesn’t make it magically disappear!”

‘Is numb'd too much for hopes or fears; Look right, look left, I dwell alone;’

Jay immediately shrunk at the words, “Well, we both could just be over thinking.”

“You know who’s great at looking at just the facts?” Jason went to open the door, “Bruce!”

“Wait, wait, wait! I just– I’ll tell him, but please , just let me do it on my own time. Please.”

Just then, Younger Bruce and Older Bruce rushed in, “What’s going on?”

Jason opened his mouth to just tell them. It would be the responsible thing to do.

‘I lift mine eyes, but dimm'd with grief; No everlasting hills I see;’

But then he looked at Jay. Whose eyes were begging him to keep this one secret. Whose eyes were carbon copies of Mami’s.

Jay practically collapsed in relief, “I, uh, dislocated my knee, but don’t worry! Jason set it back in place…”

Younger Bruce’s concern deepened, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It… happened six minutes ago.”

It’s only been six minutes? He feels like it’s been six months. He feels like he’s gone sixteen years in the past.

Bruce turned to Jason, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He was up in his face, he was miles away. He looked back to Jay who was saying something, but Jason couldn’t make it out.

Older Bruce frowned, “Jason, are you alright?”

‘My life is in the falling leaf:’

He held eye contact with Jay. For a millisecond? For an eternity? Why wasn’t the kid answering the question? He was the one who wasn’t ok. He was the one who was sick– who had cancer. It was going to slowly grow and grow until it metastasized and killed him just like–

No, she died from the lack of proper care, and fentanyl and Bruce had enough money to get Jay proper care if he just told him .

A hand brushed against his elbow, and he pulled away. He headed towards the drawer with the knee braces, pulled out one of the hinged braces, found a pair of crutches and placed them all on the cot where Jay was sitting.

‘O Jesus, quicken me.’

Then he left.

#jason todd #batman #batfam #dc comics #red hood #dick grayson #bruce wayne #tim drake #stephanie brown #robin jason todd #alternate universe #dimensional travel

18 notes · View notes

vennyvenadito · 1 year

Text

🦋💜Hawkmoth/Gabriel deserves better💜🦋

This is gonna be controversial but I can’t keep my mount shut anymore

This is an unpopular opinion but I have to say it

Gabriel aka Hawkmoth can be a good villain but the show don’t let him to be one and they are also the reason why his character is so over the place

First I would say our moth boy is smart and he really show it a lot

Now I know what you gonna say

“But his ideas are always bad and he is really dumb”

I know but hear me out

I don’t denied that he can be dumb and mess up a lot but I think this isn’t entirely his fault…it’s actually the writers

Why? Well

I would definitely say that Hawkmoth is not only a victim of bad writing, but he is also a victim of plot armor

There are episodes where he almost won but for some lame reason lose

And in fact not all of his ideas are but

You would say is because of Mayura and yeah, you guys are right on that but I’m talking about when he didn’t have her on his side

Episode like

-Puppeteer

-Animaestro

-Oblivion

-Sentibubbler

-Volpina

-Jubilation

-Illusion

-Stormy Whether

-Catalyst

-Ephemeral

-Risk

-Strike Back

-The Owl

-Malediktator

-Troublemaker

-Miraculer

-Antibug/Vanisher

-Derision (I still hate this episode)

-Collector

-Optigami

That’s proof to me that he can be smart and a treat but again, is the show who don’t let him be

And in fact, it’s also show that the show don’t know what direction go with him

In one episode is a broken man who lost his way and is trying to bring back the love of his life but no in the right way of course and he is also trying to hold it back for his son, but keeps himself away from him for his grief and still show humanity and maybe the change there’s still some hope of salvation for him

And then he is this horrible monster without feelings and he can go as far even to destroy humanity and can’t barely care about his own child and neglect him a lot

In one episode he can come out with the most smartest plan to archive his goal and almost got it, but then again, villain always loses

And then in another episode has the most dumbest plan ever

And then he is this goofy and cartoonist villain

Don’t saying that silliness can’t work with a villain

Look Bill from Gravity Falls and Discord from MLP

They are goofy and chaotic but they are still a treat and dangerous to everyone (with one already redeem)

If they want him to be a treat or an irredeemable villain than they could done something like Belos from The Owl House

Those two parallels each other a lot

-They lost an important person of their life with one of them killing them out of rage

-They have this little child on their care but neglected them (and also they didn’t born in the traditional way one being an sentimonster and the other an grimwalker)

-They are willing to destroy everything to archive their goals

-Both are also broken and lost their ways in their life and instead of trying to fix their mistakes and move on, is already to late for both of them, their path become dark

The difference here is at least in The Owl House the writers did know what to do with Belos unlike Miraculous, Belos did have moments of sympathy and moments of guilt about killing his older brother, of the little they show about his past we can have an idea how was his life before become this horrible monster, but the show let it clear there’s not salvation for him anymore and he is way far to be redeem

I insist his dead could be handled a little better, but even tho, they did an awesome job with him

But with Gabe, look, they did had good ideas but the execution wasn’t great

I mean, come on, a villain who can take advantage of the persons feelings and transform them in monsters, that’s a cool concept

He been the father of one of the main characters, also a good concept there

But the writers did a terrible and miserable job with those concept and don’t do anything interesting with them, if they do, then they go with time travel or memory erase because this show has something towards consequences and show progression

And the fact in the leaks is show that Adrien won’t be in the final battle with his father and is only Marinette it’s make me angry

And speaking of our bug girl, let’s go back with the plot armor problem

This girl doesn’t has the power of creation, instead she has the power of plot armor in her hands

And Intuition is the prove for that

Is basically

“Gabriel v.s Plot armor” the episode

In this episode is show that Gabriel in fact, did use the power of second chance a lot of times, all the episode we saw he did used it

But the problem was that the lucky charm of Ladybug always change, isn’t the same object, didn’t matter what he do or change something about his plan, the lucky charm always manage to change and give Ladybug the opportunity of win

So yeah, this is prove enough to me that no matter how smart his plan can be, the show is always against him

He is even more of a wasted potential than Chloe is

And I would say it, he is much of a punching bag as Chloe as well

But at least with her they kinda know what to do with her (I say kinda because they did a terrible job, and is mostly because Thomas’s hate boner for her), they want to keep her as a brat, I hate that, but you know what, ok, good for you guys, keep going

But come on, why you keep Gabriel like that??

You want him to be a good villain or not??

The poor man is goin on circles because you don’t know what to do with him

In fact, you know what, I’m happy he is leaving in the season five finale, not like he deserve this or I’m happy he got what he wanted, but more like “you know, good for him, he can finally rest from this mess that this show is, he can be free for now”

Good for you Gabe in that, good for you my dude, hope you enjoy your freedom

And look, I’m not saying this beacuse, who those who don’t know, he is my favorite character (yeah you can kill me for that), but mostly I’m saying this because I want his character to make sense, to be consistent and has deep, which he has but the show act like he doesn’t sometimes

It’s make me sad seeing my favorite character been treated like this, because I know in the right hands he can be a great character

I wouldn’t care is they wanted him to be redeem or not, at least, make him a great an iconic villain

Belos is one of the best villains a I have never seen in a while

And this is why I starting to work in AUs about Hawkmoth, because I know he has potential and there’s a lot of fun things you can do with him, if no anyone can sees it that way, than I can because I care about this character

Let me show some love for my moth boy please if no one wouldn’t do it

I wanted to vent a lot about this main problem I have with the show and why Hawky deserves a lot better like the other characters in this show

I would like to see your opinions about this

Deer out

#miraculous ladybug #mlb fandom #mlb season five #mlb gabriel #mlb salt #hawkmoth #gabriel agreste #ml writers salt #give my boy a break

68 notes · View notes

sofasoap · 1 year

Text

Four misses

Pairing : John Price x F!reader (aka OC Mini MacTavish) Summary: Four times you missed each other, and one time you gave up. Part 2 of Five Times

Warning: Mature themes. if you don’t like the idea of age gap story, turn around NOW.

Thanks to mother of my Mini MacTavish @saltofmercury for lending me the character “Mini” from her story. Go read her “The Favorite MacTavish” !

“masterlist” for Mini MacTavish expanded verse.

He promised you he will contact you. Looking down at the phone. No messages. No missed calls. Nothing.

After your bold admission to him in the garden a month ago, you are starting to wonder if it was the right move. You understand from your experience from Johnny, there is no certainty in anything with the military. They can get called away anytime, cutting off connections with their family for weeks, or even months. No idea if they are dead or alive, until someone shows up at your doorstep, either it’s your loved one returning to you, or someone informing you of the unfortunate sacrifice they made to their country.

Looking at the bottle of whisky you bought, sitting on the bookshelf. Maybe you just need to be a bit more patient.

Disappointment hit you again. You finally got a call from him, two months later, after the team had returned from their latest mission, apologising for not getting back to you soon enough. Promises made again, dates set. You waited at the pub. Ten minutes gone. Twenty. Thirty. An hour. Two hours. Nothing. You feel like a fool. No calls, no messages, nothing again. Quietly thanking the bartender, who is now looking at you with pity, you slipped some notes and bit extra for tip, you picked up your phone and wallet walking out the door. Ten minutes later, a flustered Price rushed into the pub, frantically trying to find you.

“You just missed her. She waited for two hours.” Unimpressed expression on bartender’s face says it all when they informed the Price’s

He was so immersed in his work, he had totally forgotten about the meet up until he heard one of the soldiers passing by talking about going on a date with their sweetheart.

Looking at his phone, which was switched off during the meeting, he had missed calls and few messages from you, asking where he was.

He tried to call you back, but you didn’t pick up. This isn’t going well at all.

Sitting in a corner, twirling the tumbler glass in your hands, you wish you hadn’t come. Soap hosted a small get together with family and few people from the base at their house. “Hey why the long face? Something happened?” Your brother pulled you into the private family sitting room, away from everyone else. “ I am sorry Price isn’t here,he has been called away for an important briefing by the higher ups.” Upon hearing Price’s name, you couldn’t hold in anymore, tears started streaming down your face. “Johnny.. I… I …” desperately wiping your face to stop the tears from falling, to no avail, “ I knew it wouldn’t work out, but I still went for it. Why? Why?” you sobbed. “I tried.. I really tried… “

Soap holding onto you tight, trying hard to suppress his anger. He should have intervened, he knew it. He knew the difficulties and obstacles, he thought Price would treat you well. But he is mistaken. You cried yourself to sleep that night, under Soap’s insistence of you staying for the night.

Maybe it is time to let go and move on.

You are about to move away from London, change your job, change your phone number and back up to Scotland, closer to your parents. Starting a new chapter of your life.

You half thought about contacting him again before moving away, but decided against it. Why drag yourself into the past and into the pain again? Hearing the boarding announcement through the PA, you pulled your coat tight against yourself, wrapped yourself nicely and tight with the thick woollen scarf your mum knitted for you around your neck and face. It’s been a very cold winter, and it’s only getting worse. Boarding the train, your shoulder accidentally bumps into the man with a thick leather jacket and black beanie. Mumbling apologies to each other as you rush into the carriage, finding your seat and settling yourself down. As the train started moving, you looked out the window, and met the eyes of the stranger you bumped into. Price. Eyes widen with surprise, it’s evident he is just caught out as you are. But it was too late. The train is already moving and pulling out of the station. You slump back into your seat.

Another missed chance. How cruel thy fate.

#captain john price #john price x you #john price x reader #john price imagine #john price #captain price x reader #captain price #captain john price x reader #captain john price x you #captain john price x female reader #call of duty

88 notes · View notes

alena-reblobs · 9 months

Text

Trigun Bookclub Trimax Vol10 Part 1

Vol01: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Vol02: Part 1 | Part 2

I'm early for this one cause I won't have time the rest of the week. And as a bonus it's like doing the presentation first: after that I can lay back, watching all the others knowing that I've put it already behind me. This is only part1 but I trust you've read the whole volume when you read this commentary! I might make 3 parts with all the images I'm putting in this now, haha....

Chapter 1:

Sad music playing in the bg, all other noises canceled out, room relatively cool: let's go.

I can't get over the fact how Wolfwood's playing scnes with Vash out in his head. And this moment here! It was such an important discussion, their first clash of ideals....And now Wolfwood wants to prove him wrong. That he is NOT giving up hope so easily.

"Do not tell me you are betting on hopes" I thought you were some kind of religious cult?? Believing in the holy creatures? Well there really isn't much believe left in this dying old man. Such a poor soul. He doesn't believe in his own religion. He might once have believed in his god (aka Knives) but would want him dead now- only that he doesn't believe he can kill him so he doesn't believe in a future for anyone. He doesn't believe in his pupils and doesn't believe them when they say they might know a way of salvation. And now he's just trying to drag everybody down with him.

And Wolfwood IS believing....with his whole heart and without a doubt. Oh my god. (And he hasn't forsaken you either!!!)

Disapproving of this weapon head tilt which is reserved for gay battle couples only!

Can you stop shooting this man for one fucking second

FOR ONE SECOND

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

I wonder if we can read this hesitation by Razlo as a sentiment of Livio deep deep within who might NOT want to kill Wolfwood? It could also just be Razlo's shock at seeing how he misinterpreted his opponent though.

Go to hell old man.

Chapter 2:

I need to remind myself that Razlo is not just "kill kill kill!" or blindly following Chapel. He's also nuanced and got lots of respect for this worthy opponent (and ex colleague of his, ex friend/brother of Livio).

This title here is giving me emotions and I want that image as a patch to sew on my backpack please

I can't really distinguish...is he talking about a bad chill? As in making him uneasy? He looks like it, but I'm not sure..

I gotta say shooting yourself is a hardcore statement. Great, now he's a MAD angry old ass of a man. But to Razlo I say: Have your forgotten the girl Livio saved??? And you, yous saved Razlo countless times!! Did they not need you both? D:

Miss Melanie is such a lovable character!! Go and protect your kids...even if you know the enemy is far too powerful! I love this little comedic moment in between this whole mess (And sh reminds me a bit of my mother, too)

Why else? Because you're an arsehole maybe, or because he has learned that he can chose not to be a killer and be a decent person?

This is such such such an evil move of Chapel. "Here, look at this boy, once innocent and a part of your family...now he's changed into a disgusting creature! Look at him and judge him and laugh at him and his poor life."

And the worst part, exactly this has been one of Wolfwood's biggest fears. Because next to not being able to save his family at the orphanage...if one of them would see Wolfwood as he is now and decide that he is a despicable person, someone who doesn't deserve redemption, it would mean he is truly lost. Then he would be only a killer and nothing more.

Thank god Melanie is having none of it. And look how Wolfwood's eye that was just a moment ago wide with shock is closing, his whole feature relaxing. This is what he needed...her telling him that he could have come home anytime. That he is still and will always be! A part of their family.

Of course you moron you could have done this together!! If you didn't run off alone...trying to do things on your own. Somehow, now that I think about this...this really feels like act of a boy that didn't have time to grow up. Running off to the orphanage was not Wolfwood- it was Nicholas doing it. Not Wolfwood the Punisher but Nicholas the Boy. Why is this thought making me emotional?

Fuck we see him thinking, thinking fast of a way to still save the situation, seeing the vials, maybe wondering if he will be able to do it with them can he do it can he do it

You godforsaken idiot why did you have to bite them down and seal your fate

And in the moment when Nicholas needed him most, Vash came. But he came a second too late.

Look, there's just something about Vash coming to his rescue in this moment where Wolfwood is at his lowest. Completely ripped apart, laid bare before his loved ones...These two pages, and the sole sentence "I've made a friend" is something so poetic...they make me internally scream because YES you've made a friend, you both love and trust each other deeply...you really have made such a good friend. SOBBING

#trigun #trigunbookclub

24 notes · View notes

ashleyh713fanfics · 3 months

Text

Dazai X Odasaku’s Little Sister Ch3 and Ch4

Double Post:

Chapter 3

"So You Can Make Those Expressions.."

Chapter 4

"Makes Me Wanna Play Around With You"

Summary: Dazai has always been incapable to care about what happens to others. But will that change when he agrees to fight Odasaku's precious little sister? Aka his girlfriend?

Warning: Dazai is a meany to Aku, Odasaku death mentions, violence, manipulative behavior from both sides. I gave Oda's sister a name but you can imagine it as y/n.

(This is chapter three and four of my fanfic "Timeless" which is now on A03. It carries on from the three part intro I posted a couple days ago. I'll link it below to fully understand the story. Asagao's ability is to stop time for up to six seconds.)

Three Part Intro Here: (just cause the first chapter is so long)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

A03 Version Here:

Word count: 12k

Feeling as every single muscle ceased to move, Asagao’s vacant and distant eyes focused in and out of unconsciousness as she just barely felt the warm pool of red liquid coating her entire body ever so slowly.

And though she was merely six years old, the child seemed to be fully aware of what was happening, whether she wanted to or not.

How did it get like this? Oh right, she had failed again. She wasn’t able to predict that last planned attack in time and they had punished her for it. How disgraceful. But did that mean she was gonna die this time? No, she didn't want that.

And as the seconds moved by, her tiny body grew more and more numb with the effects of blood loss in order for past orders and demands to flood her mind over and over again like her life was being replayed in a sickening loop.

“You worthless little brat, that’s not good enough!”

No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t good enough, It wasn’t ever good enough. She always made them mad. She had disappointed everyone. What would her brother say? Would he also be disgusted by it? The little girl couldn’t bear the answer.

“Look harder, predict better, stop slacking off and do it properly!”

She didn’t mean to, she wasn’t trying to slack off. She was just so tired, so very tired. They had her training for three days straight without food and water. Her focus was off, her brain was overloaded, everything felt like it was underwater. She just couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t think.

“Excuse excuse excuse. That’s all I’m hearing! Didn’t you say you wanted to be useful? I bet a lot on you kid and if you can’t even do this then you’re just better off dead!”

Ah, that’s right. She was better off dead. Then she’d be able to breathe, then the pounding madness inside her head would finally go away.

But try as she may, the six year old child felt tears work their way into her slowly failing eyes with unexplainable fear. No, she didn't want that. She was scared, she didn’t want to die.

Just then, she felt her body shift only for the scenery to change in order for the girl to catch a very familiar blur of red as his hands shook under her hold. “A-Asa? No, please no..”

Wait, she knew that voice anywhere. “B-Brother?”

Sakunosuke only nodded though, trying to hold himself together as he brushed a bloody piece of hair from her face. “Y-Yeah, it’s me. It’s your big brother. Don’t worry Asa, it’s going to be okay. I’m gonna get you out of here.”

But as she felt her brother’s hands keeping her together, Asagao felt even more tears reach her eyes in order to weakly clutch onto his jacket with a sad pathetic plea. “Saku, I don’t wanna be special anymore. I don’t wanna see. It hurts..I don’t want it to hurt..”

She then heard what sounded like a suppressed sob, the fourteen year old Oda pushing his lips together as they quivered before holding his little sister close to his chest with a cry. “I know..I know..don’t worry you won’t have to do that again. I just need you to stay awake though, okay? You can’t go to sleep yet.”

Asa felt her eyelets quickly betray his order though, her hand falling from his jacket as she whispered hoarsely. “But I’m so tired..”

Quickly shaking her back awake, Sakunosuke gave a rushed reply, laced with a desperation she couldn’t place. “I know but do this for me, okay? Do it for your big brother.”

But her eyes were so heavy, wouldn’t it be nice to just rest them for a minute, the little girl humming as she felt her body give into the idea. “I can’t feel anything…I’m scared..so many bad things happened. I’m sorry..”

Yet that’s when she felt her brother shake her awake once more, his fingers slapping her face lightly before she vaguely saw his terrified eyes. “Hey, I know. Let’s play a game, okay? Instead of thinking about all the bad things l want you to think about the good ones. Can you do that? Just think about the good, okay?

Forcing her lips into a grimace, Asagao frowned. “Will that make you happy again?”

Her brother then nodded weakly, ignoring the feeling of his little sister's blood on his fingers as he choked out a reply. “Y-Yeah, it will. Just as long as you try your best. You gotta promise me that you’ll try your best to think about the good. No more bad.”

And that was enough for her to nod her head, the feeling like lead. Anything to make her Saku not sad anymore. “Mmmkay. I’ll try.”

She said that, but the idea was far harder than it appeared, the little girl feeling her head fall against her brother's warm embrace as she vaguely heard his rushed breathing, like the boy was running for his life through some sort of corridor.

Then she heard his voice, the sound underwater as his shaking fingers clutched onto his little sister for dear life. “I promise, I promise that when you wake up you won’t be hurt ever again. It doesn’t matter what I have to do in return. I’ll take your place if I have to, I’ll be their assassin, I’ll be their favorite toy. Just as long as you're safe, I don’t care what happens to me.”

And though she couldn’t register the weight of the words, Asagao used her last bit of strength to whisper back a reply, her words barely audible. “D-Don't be sad Saku..I love you..”

Then she felt herself betray her big brother’s wishes, the pull too strong as the six year old child gave into its call finally.

Yet just before she drifted off, she heard another voice. Except this one sounded just like her, terrified, like she was watching the entire scene before her as she screamed into her own mind over and over again as the darkness covered Asa's vision without permission.

No, don’t close your eyes. Don’t pass out. When you wake up it will be in a hospital bed alone and you’ll never see him again. You’ll never get to know him. Please, don’t lose him again! He’s right there, don’t let him go, don’t let him die, please..!”

----

“No!”

Gasping loudly, Asagao’s body lurched forward, her hand reaching out to an invisible force in order to plead out through the darkness only to catch air. Gone was the cold empty room of her childhood, replaced by the familiar walls and tatami mats of her brother’s old apartment.

She then registered the reality before slowly dropping her hands down onto the mattress with a sad thud, her eyes turning down before she fell backwards with a shaky breath. The last memory she had of Oda, why did it have to play tonight?

Asagao frowned at the memory before looking at the clock that read 3AM in mocking reply causing the girl to grimace. She couldn’t even get one good night's sleep.

Turning her head to the side, Asagao then caught the familiar large circular glasses by her bedside before a sick sense of deja vu flooded into her without permission.

The girl could remember it so incredibly clearly, even today. The feeling of her six year old body waking up alone in a room she didn’t recognize with only a pair of glasses and a letter by her bedside. It was the last time she ever saw her brother.

Asa then frowned again before lifting her hands up in order to push them on top of her eyes with suppressed sob. If only she didn’t pass out that time, if only she kept him from leaving her then things would’ve been different. Then maybe he wouldn’t have died.

Just then, a voice appeared in the back of her mind, cold and cruel.

He died because he took your place.

It’s your fault.

Yet just as quickly as that feeling appeared, the girl forced herself to wash it away, her body forcing itself upwards again in order to carefully grab her glasses and place them back on her face.

Then she took a deep breath before recalling the mantra in her head, the last remaining request from her big brother that she always went back to when the world looked a little too dark.

That’s right, think of the good, not the bad.

And just like that, a small smile took its place as Asagao pushed her feet off the bed in order to turn the light on and start the day, her mind stewing the possibilities of what the world could offer her today.

Humming to herself, she then heard the front door bell only before she rushed happily to the surface and threw it open and found a very familiar bandaged boy before her. “Asa-chann! There you are! I just remembered another detail about my last story. It was really great, Odasaku said the best thing! I can’t believe I forgot about it till now!”

Asa couldn’t help but blink in surprise though, not expecting Osamu at all today. It was the middle of the night after all. She thought he’d be sleeping by now.

Not that she minded though, the girl already feeling her lips curve upwards at his boy-ish and childlike greeting. “Oh really? Well then, you better hurry up and tell me.”

Dazai then beamed before happily shoving himself past her in order to throw his arms upwards in a giddy shout. “I knew you’d be excited! And after I’m done you’ll give me another letter, right?”

Nodding her head, Asagao then closed the front door before pointing to her bedroom with another small smile. “Of course, let me go get the box and then you can tell me.”

Already sitting himself at his usual spot, the boy then gave her an excited cheer. “Yay! You’re the best Asa-chan!”

This was the extent of their relationship now, no more and no less. It had been about three weeks since their partnership and though the two were friendly with each other it was always surface level at best.

Dazai would come over and eagerly give his half of the deal, sharing story after story of Odasaku and in return Asagao would give him one of her brother's letters to read.

And then that was it, once everything was done the boy would leave and the cycle would repeat. They weren’t friends, they weren’t even close. The two just used each other and then went on their way, keeping a sort of distance between each other at all times.

It was like they were both each other’s own special drug, indulging in the intoxicating high but still cautious on not getting addicted to the substance. And though it was a different form of partnership, the two kids kept their boundaries.

Asagao didn’t mind though, knowing that she was already asking for so much. Dazai on the other hand was grateful for the distance, careful not to get too comfortable in fear of getting attached and losing something precious again.

No, the young executive knew he wouldn’t have been able to handle that again. So he just teased her and went on his way. Asa never seemed to mind though, considering she knew about his twisted plan from the very beginning. It made everything so much easier and less stressful in the long run.

And when he saw her reappear with a familiar brown colored shoe box, the boy couldn’t help but perk up even more, knowing that there were unsaid words from Odasaku just inches away from him. He was desperate, hungry for them in every possible way.

Asagao knew this as well, her fingers tapping on the box before taking a seat across from him with a hum. “Alright, you have my undivided attention! I’m ready..”

Perking up immediately, the boy then slipped into his tale, giving Asagao every single detail about his story as she gave that same wonder filled expression she always did when he talked about Odasaku.

Then once he was done, the girl simply reached her hand into the box before pulling out a small white colored letter in order to slide it over to the boy before he practically tore it off the table in desperation.

Then he read each word carefully, mulling over the ink like it was the most treasured thing in the world to him.

Hey little sis, how is everything going?

I saw some morning glories on my way to work today and they made me think of you. You were named after such pretty flowers. Is purple still your favorite color?

Things have been hectic here as usual. Dazai stayed over last night after refusing to take a bath, but he smelled so bad I bribed him with whiskey to finally get him in the tub. It’s never a dull moment with him, that’s for sure. When he wakes up I’m gonna see if I can get him to change those bandages of his also. I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck.

Feeling his lips curve upwards at Odasaku’s writing, Dazai felt that same low pain inside his chest. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. How he raced around Oda’s apartment while the man waved a bar of soap in his direction with rushed pleas and bribes.

Oh how he wished for such mundane things back. He really did take them for granted.

Although that’s when the boy realized something else, his fingers dropping from the letter only to whine in her direction. “You know, this isn’t really fair, Asa-chan. You already know so much about me but haven’t said anything about yourself yet. That’s really sneaky you know..”

And that was true, considering Oda spilled so much of his life to his little sister. And it wasn’t like it bothered Dazai but the scales were very noticeably uneven.

It made him feel a loss of control, and that was something the executive hated more than anything.

Asagao only turned her head though, not seeing the issue. “Is it? I thought the only thing that would’ve mattered to you is that I’m Oda’s sister. What more do you want to know?”

Dazai mulled the words over in his head. Yes, she was right in a sense. He did only care because she was Odasaku’s sister but he always prided himself on being the smartest man in the room, and right now that was undetermined.

Placing the letter onto the table with extreme care, he shrugged. “I’m just saying we aren’t evenly matched right now. Aren’t boyfriend’s supposed to know about their girlfriend’s?”

The word felt strange on his tongue, never having used them in his life. Sure, he was just trying to manipulate her with them but somehow they still seemed wrong. They weren’t anything like a traditional boyfriend and girlfriend, in any sense.

Asagao didn’t seem to mind though, her fingers reaching forward in order to hook them under her chin and lean forward in interest. “Ah, okay then. Well, go ahead boyfriend. Analyze and impress me.”

Already feeling his eyes sharpen with cruel possibilities, Dazai mimicked her movements, placing his own fingers under his chin before replying dangerously. “Be careful what you ask for, darling. I might make you cry pretty little tears.”

Asa only smiled though, completely unbothered. “I'm sure I’ll be fine.”

Humming to himself, Dazai then narrowed his eyes before his lips curved upwards in challenge. “Prove it then. Take your glasses off.”

Then all at once, he saw Asagao falter, her fingers falling immediately before leaning back with tense shoulders. “W-What, why?”

The boy was quick to respond though, his finger moving to point at the physical barrier in front of her eyes.“Cause if I’m gonna analyze you, I deserve to see those hollow eyes of yours.”

Dazai recalled the sight immediately, remembering the mirror-like qualities the two shared. He only saw them for a second but he could already tell that the deep hollow gaze she wore was a result of the life she lived. She just didn’t want to admit it.

Just like how she didn’t want to admit that there was no possibility of life having meaning. She forced herself into this delusional state on purpose.

Moving her eyes away from his, Asagao then nervously pushed her fingers up to her glasses before playing with the lenses in question. He had a point, but that still didn't make it less scary. “Oh…uhh well..”

Dazai only mocked back though, his words laced with humor for the stuttering innocence she was displaying. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Where’s that confidence gone?”

Pushing her lips together, Asa frowned, fully aware of her pathetic demeanor. “It’s just..things don’t usually go well without my glasses. I don’t like to show people..”

She then clutched her skirt between her fingers in anxiety. She wore the glasses for a reason, it wasn’t just because. It slowed her down, it stopped her from being called a freak and a monstrosity. It made everyone tolerate her.

And although Dazai and her weren’t friends by any means, she still was hesitant to completely be herself. Sure she could see without the glasses but it was also revealing and strange. What if he was like the others? What if Oda’s letter were wrong and he rejected her like everyone else?

She had just started getting used to someone wanting to stick around.

Snapping her out of her own thoughts, Dazai then leaned forward in question. “You showed them to me before though, when you took care of those stupidity boring thugs you brought onto my doorstep. Why is this any different?”

Asagao then remembered his words before cringing to herself. Yes, she did all of that but things were different in that situation. “Well that’s because it was dark and we were at a distance. If you get any closer it could..”

The boy then chuckled to himself, cutting off her in order to reach his fingers forward and push a strand of hair behind her ear with slow intent. “What, scare me? Sweetheart, I’m a port mafia executive with thousands of crimes to my name and countless lives on my hands. I’m far more of a monster then you’ll ever be.”

Asagao still wasn’t convinced though, her eyes moving down in conflict only to feel Dazai’s hot breath in her ear, his words coaxing her all at once. “Perhaps you just need some help, hmm?”

Frowning at his sudden closeness, Asagao spoke. “I don’t think..”

Yet before she could finish her sentence, Dazai’s fingers latched onto the ends of her glasses before ripping them off her face with a joy-ish chuckle of victory. “Oop, got 'em!”

Asagao then audibly gasped, her hands reaching out to the boy immediately,“O-Osamu!”

Lifting his hand up in the air in a makeshift prison, the boy then beamed before turning back to her to see her entire face. “There we go now let’s see how..”

Although that moment his gaze turned back to hers, Dazai fell silent as that same hollow icy blue expression stared back at him. And though he had seen it before, it was just as enticing and memorizing as the last time.

And now that he was closer he couldn’t help but notice flecks of teal in her iris’s along with the familiar Odasaku blue he had come to know. She looked like a completely different person like this and Dazai wondered why she would’ve ever covered up such a sight with the mask of normalcy?

Just then, he watched as Asagao’s cavern-like expression shifted before a slight hue of pink covered her cheeks in order to mutter under her breath. “Stop staring at me like that, I know what you’re thinking..”

It was the thing that everyone said. Asagao knew it was. He thought she was inhuman, a freak, a social outcast. That’s why he was quiet, it’s because he had rejected her like all the rest. She could hear the insults now, her ears waiting to be bombarded with the familiar hate she had come to know.

Yet that’s when Dazai smirked in pure interest, his fingers tracing the light pink spot of embarrassment on her cheeks. “So you can make those kinds of expressions after all..”

Feeling her eyes widen all at once, Asagao felt her lips open with pure shock “H-Huh?”.

What did he just say? He wasn’t staring at her eyes? He was looking at her blush? That’s what he was fixated on this whole time?

Then before she could question, Dazai then pushed the glasses back down from his self made prison in order to throw them into her hands with a joyful clap. “Alright, I have what I need!”

Quickly catching the objects, Asa then shoved the objects back onto her face in order to hear Dazai’s plain voice in her ears. “Asa-chan, you’re so easy to read. You’re like an open book. Given your analytical eyes and ability it’s obvious you were trained to be an assassin like Odasaku was. He probably saw that and knew what path you were going to go down and send you away to avoid that. That’s why he told you to stay out of Yokohama in the first place.”

Not bothering to give her a response, the boy then continued in a cocky manner. “You call your brother by his last name because you don’t feel close to him but you refer to me by my first name because you believe that we have a closer connection because of Odasaku’s letters even though we are also complete strangers, but that feeds into your attitude to look for something positive even when there isn’t anything there...”

It was something Dazai had picked up on since their first meeting. At first he thought she used his first name because of her cultural differences but now the boy knew that wasn’t the case.

That didn’t make sense after all. She always referred to her brother as Oda, not Sakunosuke and yet Dazai always got special treatment? There had to be only one answer to that.

And that was that she was doing it on purpose this entire time.

She truly believed that she was closer to Dazai than Odasaku. Well, either that or she was deluding herself into wishing for that outcome. Either way, it was just another way to show how Asagao felt separated from her own brother.

Carrying on, Dazai then pointed to her glasses.“And speaking of your attitude, you act like nothing affects you but you just shove it down in order not to feel crushed by the negativity. That's how you got your delusional idea that the world could be beautiful. It’s because you need to believe that otherwise it will destroy you. There is no other option than to believe in the good.”

Then the boy shrugged his shoulders before finishing plainly. “To put it simply, you’re a bleeding heart that’s been alone for your entire life, doomed to search for something you’ll probably never find.”

He lay into her cruelly and concisely, not pulling any punches before proudly resting his hands behind him in contentment. She asked for it after all. He tried to warn her that his analysis wouldn’t be pretty but she didn’t listen.

Yet as he snapped his head up to see her expression, Dazai only found the girl absolutely frozen to her spot, like she hadn’t heard a single word he had said. Well that was odd, usually people would’ve been crying or screaming at him by now.

So much so, the boy frowned before moving up to her with a wave of his hand in order to whistle her back to life. “Hellooo? Earth to Asa-channn. Are you in there? Was my analysis too scary for you to handle?”

What Dazai didn’t know was that Asa was still lost in her own mind, still thinking about the strange response to her freakish eyes. He wasn’t bothered. He didn’t reject me. He didn’t care about them. Oda was right. He accepted me.

Just the idea made her want to cry in joy, the girl shoving the emotion down before clutching onto her skirt as she brokenly whispered back. “Wow..that was..”

Then before Dazai could speak Asagao’s head snapped up, her lips beaming in a bright smile in order to clap her hands like she had just witnessed the best performance of her life “.. absolutely amazing! I knew you’d impress me, Osu. You really dug into me there. Didn’t hold back at all. I admire that about you.”

And to be honest, the port mafia executive couldn’t help but feel whiplashed by her sudden joy, his eyes turning in amusement. He had just insulted her with that speech and she was applauding him?

Leaning forward, Dazai replied plainly. “You know, most people would be offended by all that..”

Asagao only looked at him dumbfounded though, like she didn’t understand the concept. “Would they? I don’t see why though. You were really accurate.”

Nodding to herself, the girl then lifted her hands up in order to throw a fake playful punch into the air. “I was trained to be an assassin and I was a pretty good one if I do say so myself. The people Oda and I worked for said I had “ great potential ” and everything! That’s how I got so good at analyzing things and people..”

The girl then smiled to herself before her eyes couldn’t help but shift to the clock in the corner of the room only for her lips to fall slightly. After this Osamu would probably leave. He had no reason to stay now that he had finished his story. Just this conversation was already farther than they had ever gotten before.

But even so, Asagao felt an uncomfortable anxiety at the inevitable conclusion. Once he was gone would be back to being alone with nightmares and memories she didn’t want to face.

No, she needed to use him more, to distract her from everything. Even though it was more than they had agreed on she had to try. She had to get him to give into her selfish desire to keep the monsters away just a little longer.

Perking back up a millisecond later, Asa gasped. “Oh, I know! Since you’re here and we have some time, let’s fight!”

Dazai couldn’t help but turn his head in confusion at that, his eyes playing in plain amusement for what she was suggesting. “You want to fight?”

Oda’s sister only nodded though, a new fire in her eyes as she leaned forward excitedly. “Yeah! I haven’t had a good challenge in a while, and I already know you’re a worthy opponent. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna fight a famous port mafia executive?”

Dazai felt himself chuckle under his breath at her naive thinking immediately. “Any sane person, love.”

This girl really had no sense of danger. Usually people pleaded for the demon prodigy to let them go, usually they avoided facing him knowing it was always a lost cause.

No one wanted to stand on the other side of him, no one wanted to be his enemy.

Yet Asagao was just suggesting it like nothing, like he couldn’t break her emotionally and physically with the snap of his fingers.

The girl only laughed away his answer though, her hand moving back and forth before beaming proudly. “Well, we’ve already established that’s not me so it’s no problem!”

Dazai was still hesitant though, knowing that Odasaku wouldn’t have approved. He couldn’t be gentle after all. He couldn’t hold back and the last thing he wanted was to permanently scar her, even if she was stupidly asking for it.

Because of that, the boy hummed. “Shouldn’t princesses like you be asleep by now?”

Although that’s when he watched Asa’s confident facade falter just slightly before she replied hastily. “Come on, Osu..you said you wanted to know about me, this is the best chance! Let me impress you.”

And perhaps to anyone else it was nothing, but Dazai knew better than anyone what that small change meant. She was avoiding something, he was sure of it. The girl was purposely trying to drag their meeting on longer in order to postpone an inevitability.

She thought she was so sneaky, but the boy read her like a book.

Lowering his eyes with knowing intent, Dazai then lifted his hands up lazily, purposely hiding the fact that he knew her game. “That’s a tall order, darling. You sure you’re up for that?”

Asagao only smiled though, the girl batting her eyes in innocence. “I’ve done it before, haven’t I?”

And she had. She had impressed the executive before. She impressed him immediately when she had sensed them being followed only for her to actively sell him out in order to show off her ability.

It was a feat of its own for sure, so much so that his twisted little brain couldn’t help but wonder what other things she could surprise him with? It was tempting, enticing and such a dangerous notion.

But perhaps that’s what she wanted, perhaps Asagao knew that Dazai would be drawn in by the offer to play around with her some more. She knew he thrived on the abnormalities.

Oh that sneaky little girl, she knew how much he couldn’t resist an amusing show.

So much so, the boy couldn’t help but close his eyes with clear respect in order to mark a tally inside his head. He thought he had won by figuring out why she wanted this strange request but it looks like she beat him on resisting it.

Dazai Osamu: 1 Oda Asagao: 1

Lifting his eyes up a moment later, Dazai then pushed his hands up in order to stand before towering over the girl, his unbandaged eye looking down at her with a teasing smile.

Perhaps tonight wouldn’t be so boring after all.

“Well when you put it like that darling, how could I resist?”

----

CH4

Six Months Before Odasaku’s Death

Carefully stepping through the darkness, Dazai looked down in disappointment at the broken and faltering boy in front of him, coughing and wheezing as even more blood poured from his lips “D-Dazai..”

The port mafia executive didn’t want to hear it, his cruel and dull stare towering over his useless subordinate with a heavy sigh, in order to shake out his last punch.

It had been only about a month since he had picked up the young Akutagawa from the slums and brought him into the twisted underground of the port mafia.

But even still, the boy was lacking the skills he needed to impress Dazai. Sure, he had the passion and the drive but his movements were sloppy and uncoordinated. If he went like this then he’d surely be dead before his first mission.

And perhaps it was an oversight, to see the potential that Akutagawa had. Perhaps the kid was truly useless. And here Dazai thought he could form him into a new generation, a new “double black” as it were.

Pushing his fingers into the ground in order to lift his head up, he then physically flitched as Dazai’s cruel words cut into him like venom. “That’s not good enough. You will never survive the port mafia with that weak attack.”

Akutagawa only dipped his head down though, the shame pouring through every one of his muscles before he tried to get his overspent and overused body to move once more. “I..”

Dazai didn’t care though, he didn’t have the capacity to. This was how he was taught, how he was brought up. It only made sense to pass what he learned onto Akutagawa as well.

Violence, bloodshed, cruelty, those were the building blocks in which he thrived and succeeded. They were what kept him alive, regretfully.

And soon they would be essential for Akutagawa as well.

Taking out his gun from the hollister, the executive then scoffed before pointing the barrel straight into the child’s head, his voice void of any emotion. “Maybe I should just throw you back into the slums where you belong? It would be a lot less work.”

His subordinate then gasped in pure fear before his shaky fingers made their way towards Dazai’s feet, the boy crying out in order to beg like the pathetic dog he was. “N-No! Please, I’ll be better. I promise!”

The mafioso only narrowed his eyes though, only feeling annoyed by his little act. If he thought Dazai was going to let up or feel pity for such a worthless display then he was sorely mistaken.

No, right now the kid just looked like every other sorry soul that crossed him. They all did the same thing, begging and pleading and crying. It was so boring. He was so boring for showing those wasteful tears.

Closing his eyes, Dazai then frowned before kicking his foot straight into the kid’s ribs, his body crumbling immediately with a gasp before the demon stood over him with command.

“Show me.”

He then watched as Akutagawa held his side before immediately complying in order for Rashomon to materialize and head straight for the bandaged man with a screaming cry of pain.

But like Dazai had said before, his moves were sloppy, the black being disappearing the moment it touched the mafioso's skin in order for him to scoff at the pathetic attempt. “Pathetic.”

Then before the kid could process it, his master’s hand was around his throat, squeezing his airways as he looked up at the demon with a choke gasp. “D-Daz..”

Dazai only cut him off though, his hold tightening before speaking plainly. “Your face shows fear, weakness, failure. All the qualities I have no need for.”

Slamming the boy into the ground, Akutagawa’s body screamed in pain only for the executive to look at the scared child with disdain.“You’re going to have to try harder than that to impress me, Akutagawa.”

He then let go of his throat before turning away completely in order to hear the boy cough and surface more air into his lungs before he passed out completely. Dazai didn’t bat an eye though, his hands falling into his pockets with silence.

The way of his training wasn’t right, he knew that. Dazai knew that he was twisting and turning this young boy into a mirror image of himself. He knew that he was abusing and hitting him in order to make a monster.

The truth was, if the kid wanted to survive in this world, then this was the only way to do it. That’s what the mafioso truly believed. It didn’t matter how many times Akutagawa was shattered, as long as Dazai could put him back together in an image of his own design it was fine.

Besides, the boy had said before that Dazai was his reason to live. He had pleaded with the executive to have a purpose. He had asked for this, the boy was just fulfilling his promise.

His theory was confirmed a moment later when the stuttering child spoke it out through the darkness, his voice just as desperate and dependent as Dazai wanted it to be “I-I will…I will impress you. Let me try again. I’ll do it right this time.”

And though that was highly doubtful, Dazai humored him, his entire body turning around in order to face his trained dog with a cruel and unfeeling smile.

Yes, that’s right. The demon prodigy would use him until he broke. And he would break, they always did.

Care was irrelevant, feelings were insignificant.

The only thing that mattered was the product.

“That’s more like it.”

--------

Present Day

Standing in the all too familiar port mafia owned warehouse, Dazai and Asagao stood in the middle of the space only for the bandaged boy to narrow his eyes and recall his past lessons with Akutagawa over the last couple months, imagining the blood that once painted the floors in an instant.

This was the only place Dazai knew was secluded enough, given that any port mafia underling didn’t dare to step foot while he occupied the space. They knew how brutal and unforgiving he was whenever he got rudely interrupted.

But that little detail proved to be useful tonight as he watched Odasaku’s sister look around the empty and open area before Dazai couldn't help but mock through the echo. “Asa-chan, you always seem to pick the strangest spots for our dates.”

And whether she had meant to or not it seemed like Asagao had quite the talent for making the usual rather..unusual. Hell, the last “date” they had consisted of her luring those rival thugs to his doorstep only for her to manipulate them into her own twisted whims.

If this was anything like that then Dazai knew he was in for something especially entertaining tonight as well.

Although, the bandaged boy couldn’t help but shove his hands into his pocket with a strange sense of conflict, already feeling the lingering blood that once graced his knuckles. He didn’t know how to hold back or be gentle so he wasn’t sure why Asagao had asked for such a crazy request in the first place.

Or why he had ever agreed to it.

He was supposed to be a good man now, and although Dazai was new to the concept he was pretty sure that beating up his best friend’s sister for fun wasn’t really what Oda meant in any sense.

And yet his black soul couldn’t help but be curious, to see just how she planned to impress the impassable demon. He should’ve walked away, but Dazai was never the kind to give mercy to his opponents.

Although that’s when the boy realized he never received a response, Dazai’s eyes moved back towards the girl in question only to watch her shift nervously, her feet moving side to side in clear anxiety.

Aw, how cute. She was nervous now. Ah, well he supposed that confidence of hers could only last so long. He should’ve guessed.

Lifting his hand up, the boy then placed a mocking hand on her head in order to speak a round of fake sympathy “What’s wrong? Is the princess getting scared after coming all the way out here? Having second thoughts?”

Asa only frowned though, his voice coming out small. “No, it’s not that. It’s just..”

She then stopped herself before sighing heavily in order to turn towards Dazai with clear uncertainty. “I know you said you wanted to know more about me and that you weren’t bothered by my eyes but this could get..intense..”

At that, Dazai couldn’t help but laugh under his breath.

Intense? Well that was an understatement. Was she just figuring that out? That maybe fighting a port mafia executive wasn’t the smartest idea in the world? Poor baby, she must’ve been shaking right now after facing the reality of her stupid decisions.

It’s about time she realized it. Better sooner than later though he supposed.

Pouting his lips in mocking vigor, Dazai then leaned down to her eye level before placing her hands on her shoulders in order to turn the poor girl towards the doors all at once. “Aww don’t worry, sweetheart. If you think it’s gonna be too much for you, we can turn back now.”

Yet that's when her next words made the boy pause. “I didn’t mean intense for me.”

Feeling his fingers fall from her shoulders, Dazai then blinked in amusement for her warning before shaking his head. What was she talking about? She was worried about him, not herself? That’s why she was having second thoughts, to protect him of all people? Who did she think he was? Some sort of weak nobody?

The bandaged kid then took a step back before his lips twisted up in a confused reply. “I think you got it backwards, darling. I’m the mafia executive, not you, remember?”

If anything, she was one that should’ve been backing out of this. Why instead did it seem like she was trying to do the same to him? Didn’t she know he was the monster in this situation? He was one that could hurt her, not the other way around.

Asagao didn’t seem overly convinced though, the girl silent for a moment before lifting her fingers up to her glasses with a hidden plea. “Just..don’t let me get carried away..especially if it freaks you out...”

The idea was laughable though, Dazai’s head turning in reply. “Love, Who do you think you’re talking to?”

Almost immediately the red haired girl froze before processing his words all at once.

Then he watched her lips curved up into a small relieved smile in order to drop her hand with a chuckle and whisper mostly to herself. “That’s right, what are you worried about? It’s just Osamu..”

Dazai couldn't help but frown though. She had such faith in him. She was treating him like some sort of savior, like she was glad he was an opponent. How broken could her brain possibly be to be relieved for this type of situation?

Poor Asa-chan, she’d regret that viewpoint soon enough when she was crying and pleading at his hand like all his other victims that stood in the same exact place.

So much so, the mafioso smirked in reply before reaching into his jacket in order to pull out his gun just slightly with silent threat “I don’t think you should be saying my name that sweetly when you know what’s happening next.”

The sight didn’t cause Asa to falter though, her head nodding in confirmation before turning around in order to gain some distance from Dazai. “Yeah, I guess I’ve stalled long enough. Alright, let’s do it.”

She then counted her steps, watching her feet as she did so in order to close her eyes in silent wait before holding her ever beating heart. Dazai’s reaction tonight to her strange and abnormal gaze had given her hope, encouragement she had never felt before.

Perhaps Oda was right. Perhaps he wouldn’t be digusted by her true self.

Either way, it was better to find out sooner rather than later, before she got carried away like always. Your letters had so much faith in him, big brother. Can I also have that same faith?

Lifting her fingers up, Dazai then watched her slowly take off the large circular frames in order to place them in her pocket before snapping back up to stare at him with that familiar dead eyed, lifeless stare he knew all too well.

And then she spoke, her voice gaining a new type of excitement for what was about to transpire. “I hope you’re ready, Mr. Executive. I can’t wait to see how you tick.”

Then before he could even blink, Asagao was gone from her spot, causing Dazai’s awareness to immediately spike with adrenaline in order to just barely feel his cheek being brushed by a hand that was not his own.

Like lighting, the man then narrowed his eyes before stepping back in an instant, causing the girl to hit only air as her ability was deactivated by his touch. Foolish girl, didn’t she know she couldn’t hit him while using her skill? That was a pointless strategy.

This would be over before he knew it.

Dazai then let out an uninterested sigh in order to dodge every one of her sloppy and uncoordinated attacks with ease. Sure, she was fast, moving in and out of reality and his vision in a millisecond but her hits were always halted by his ability in the end.

Mocking out into the air, the boy then chuckled and ducked as her leg tried to make contact to no avail before reaching forward and grabbing onto her arm in order to dip her back on unsteady feet.

He then pushed his hands to her waist before smiling in victory for how easy he manhandled the supposedly scary girl. “I thought you said you were gonna impress me, Asa-chan? All I see is a pathetic attempt so far. Gonna have to try harder than that, love.”

The girl only remained still though, her calculating and hollow gaze moving back to his before he watched Asa’s lips curve upwards into a proud smirk, almost like she had already won. “Got you.”

Ramming her foot into his knee, Dazai’s body then caved for a millisecond in order to allow his grip to loosen and Asagao to break free. And then she was gone from his sight again, causing the man to sigh. Didn’t she know she wasn’t going to win like that?

Asa appeared a moment later, a little further away this time, just out of reach as she turned her head before adding. “You see a pathetic attempt but I was simply just warming up. Analyzing, watching and waiting. It’s what I do, you let me see into you and now I’ve figured it out.”

Dazai couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity for her words though. Those sloppy and baseless attacks were on purpose? Just so she could see how he fought? My, maybe he underestimated the little princess a little too quickly. Now things were getting interesting.

Genuinely curious for her response, he hummed. “And what have you found out?”

She disappeared a moment later, Dazai’s eyes narrowing before just barely missing a punch in order for her to answer casually. “You see, I vaguely knew about your ability from Oda’s letter and I’ve always wondered how it would match up against me. I wanted to see you use it in person and now that I have, I know all about you.”

What Dazai didn’t know was that Asagao’s body was practically shaking with excitement, her brain going haywire as he watched and cataloged every action by her opponent while she was being “sloppy.”

A puzzle, a question, an enigma. That’s what he was to her. He was a challenge that she took pride in solving as precisely as possible. It was thrilling, like an addiction she couldn’t help but feed the more she watched and observed.

And without the blurry wall of her glasses, Asagao saw everything, her gaze clear and concise as a twisted smile couldn’t help but grace her lips as everything in her body urged her to pick him apart. God, how she missed this feeling.

Thoughts of her nightmares, thoughts of her brother, they were all replaced by the inescapable high of her own sadistic mind, Asagao unable to think about anything else except the bandaged boy in front of her very eyes.

Reappearing a moment later, she watched Dazai dodge her punch only for her to cruelly mock in his direction. “It’s in the way you move, it’s in the way you counter. It’s in every single choice you make like a baring red flag and you can’t even see it.”

And it was, it really was. She had suspected he was like that but after seeing his fighting style there was no doubt in her mind. “Oh Osamu, you’re so cocky, aren’t you? You don’t take anything serious and it shows in your fighting. You’ve become dependent on your ability, simply because no one has ever managed to beat it. You’ve gotten lazy, love.”

Dazai then paused only for his lips to twist upwards at the mocking use of his own pet name used against him. Love , huh?

She was making fun of him. How interesting, he didn’t know she had it in her.

And the mafioso couldn’t help but realize that she was right. He had gotten lazy in his fighting style, simply because no one had ever bothered to show him a real show. No one had ever caused him to have to try before.

Akutagawa, his subordinates, they were all idiots that he used to his advantage. Hell, the minute anyone of his enemies tried to attack they were always halted by his ability.

It was boring, they were all boring, every single confrontation was boring.

He had to admit, her pretty little eyes really were impressive. Barely any of his enemies had managed to get that far in figuring him out. And those that tried never did anything successful with the information.

Reaching his arm forward, Dazai’s fingers then wrapped around her outstretched arm before pulling it towards him in order lift it up in the air and spin her around until they were chest to chest.

He then tightened his hold on her wrist before leaning closer until they were just mere inches apart before speaking with clear amusement. “And you think you can beat it? You think you will be the expectation to my ability?”

Now who was the cocky one? Now who was saying utter nonsense? Because Dazai knew damn well that Asagao wasn’t capable of such a feat. He knew that she wouldn’t be able to counter his ability. She would fail like all the others.

Asagao only shook her head though, her eyes never leaving his before smiling towards his lips. “No, but I can give you the show you want.”

Reaching her free hand forward, the girl then reached into Dazai’s jacket pocket before pulling out his hidden gun in order to point the barrel just to the left of his head and let off a shot.

The sound and sheer force of the bullet then caused the mafioso to loosen his hold and lean backwards in order to feel his bandaged eye start to bleed in an angry red line. No, that wasn’t an accident, she grazed him on purpose so he would release his hold. Huh, good girl.

Placing his fingers to the wound, Dazai then smirked before watching her take three steps back from him. “And how are you going to do that, darling?”

And he half expected her to shoot him again, the gun silently resting in the palm of her hands as she stood and stared. That would’ve been the easiest decision but also the most boring.

Although that’s when Asagao simply shrugged before flipping the gun over in order to offer the handle back to the executive with a knowing look. “Stop playing around and I’ll show you.”

Feigning innocence, the boy simply put his hands up, knowing fully well it was a bold face lie. “I don’t know what you mean, Asa-chan. I would never play.”

The truth was that Dazai hadn’t countered back for one specific reason, and that was that he simply didn’t see the need to.

She hadn’t given him any reason to get serious yet, which the boy was internally thankful for, knowing he wouldn’t have been able to hold himself back and act dismissive if she really did give him a real fight.

Asagao didn’t blink though, her outstretched hand falling before she tossed the gun onto the ground between them with a heavy sigh of rejection. “Obviously you’re not looking at me like a threat yet. Guess I’ll have to use your weakness after all.”

At that, Dazai couldn’t help but turn his head in amusement. What a bold statement she just made. She was walking on such dangerous territory now. “Weakness? And do pray tell me what that is, love?”

She disappeared a moment later, causing the boy’s eyes to sharpen before he heard her voice behind him. “It took me a while to figure it out. What could the great port mafia executive Dazai Osamu be afraid of? Death? No. The darkness? Definitely not. No, it’s simpler than that isn’t it? It’s so incredibly simple. What scares you the most is really..”

Just then, the boy froze as Asagao suddenly materialized in front of him, placing her fingers onto his cheek with so much care and softness that it made his shoulders tense up all at once. “A gentle human touch.”

And all at once, Dazai felt his entire body reject the feeling, hating the vulnerability and weakness it brought to him only for his muscles to react without thinking in order to punch Asagao straight across the face with widened horrified eyes.

Then she watched as the girl stumbled backwards immediately, her hair falling in front of her face before three drops of blood fell onto the ground in front of his eyes.

He had just struck her, he had just hurt Odasaku’s little sister with his own hands.

Just like Akutagawa, just like everyone else that crossed his path.

But to be honest, the bandaged boy could hardly focus on that, his adrenaline spiking only to hear Asagao’s muffled chuckles of sadistic joy as she turned up to look at him.

And when she did, her lips were turned upwards in a bloodthirsty smirk as she shouted excitedly. “Ah, that’s the look I want! Show me more, Mr. Executive! Show me how scary that demon you talk about really is. Let me see it!”

Blinking in surprise, the boy then felt himself pause, feeling the blood on his knuckles turn numb in order to take in the rapid and crazed look from Asagao.

She looked like a completely different person entirely, her body shaking not from fear but rather pure and raw adrenaline mixed with fire. Her hollow gaze pierced his, revealing so much sadistic joy as she touched the blood that ran from her nose to her twisted and almost psychotic grin.

Oh, so this is what she meant by things getting “intense.”

He had never seen anyone with that kind of face before. Sure, Chuuya loved a good fight but this was something entirely different. It’s like Asagao was losing herself to the idea of it. Like she was high on a drug he couldn’t even comprehend.

In all his years underground, Dazai had never seen such a look before, especially from an assassin. It’s like she was a mad crazed dog, thriving off the thrill and possibility of the fight she would receive from her next prey.

And for most, the sight would've been terrifying, enough to turn even the toughest enemies around. But for Dazai, he felt something different entirely. No, the boy wasn’t scared, not even a little bit.

He was enamored .

Then, like a switch in his mind, Dazai felt himself darken in his own sick joy, enjoying her positive reaction to his hit. Oh, she had been waiting for this, hadn't she? She wanted to see how scary he was? Fine. He’d gladly make her regret that decision for riling him up like this.

And just like that,the already fragile string in the back of his mind had snapped, giving into the impulse he had felt since stepping into this empty abandoned warehouse.

And that was to make her regret ever asking him to be here in the first place.

She wanted to see the demon prodigy, she wanted to face the port mafia executive?

Then so be it.

He’d make her cry, scream and plead like all the others. He would grab onto her fragile perfect scalp, make her get on her pretty little knees and apologize for ever wanting to be his enemy in the first place. Then she’d understand, then she’d finally get why Oda didn’t want her near him.

Asagao then disappeared a moment later, causing the demon to chuckle with silent wait before turning around in order to push his fist into the empty space just as the girl rematerialized in front of his eyes.

Yet he only hit air, the girl smirking before ducking under his hand and pushing her leg underneath him to uneven his balance in order to lift her hand towards his chest with ease.

Dazai felt himself fall backwards immediately though, his eyes narrowing with intrigue before racing forward and grasping onto her arm in order to ground himself, pulling her forward and reversing the intent so that she would be off center instead.

Feeling her lungs cave with pain, Asagao then lifted her wavering foot up to his stomach before kicking the mafia executive with so much force that Dazai had no choice but to loosen his hold with a sharp gasp of surprise.

He then held the area before smiling sadistically to dodge another one of her attacks in order for his fingers to reach towards her scalp and roughly grab onto the strands before pulling her towards him once more.

Then before she could process it, the boy had kicked her legs out from under her, only for her to roughly crash towards the hard warehouse floor, his voice dripping with venom as he slammed her head into the surface with a deep chuckle. “Ah, Asa-chan. You’re really making me work for this, aren’t you? Makes me wanna play around with you some more.”

Yet he only heard her laugh from underneath his hand, the girl lifting her eyes up as Dazai caught a long line of blood appearing from the crown of her head. “Funny, I was gonna say the same thing about you.”

And with that, it seemed like her bloodthirsty and waiting smile had grown tenfold, her body showing no sign of fear even though she was being gripped so roughly by her hair.

The very sight then caused Dazai’s dark and twisted soul to clutch harder with pure amusement. God, the way she was looking at him was so addicting. She looked so gorgeous like this, smiling between his fingers while blood ran down those pretty pink cheeks of hers.

What a fearless little rabbit she turned out to be.

Pushing her lips together, Asagao then spit straight into the mafioso's face, using the leverage from the move in order to fully slip from his grip and disappear from his sight once more.

Dazai’s hands then moved towards the gun by his side in order to automatically pick up the object and aim it towards the empty open space in order to let off five shots that he knew she would soon occupy.

And he was right, Asagao reappearing only for her body to immediately shift in order to avoid the rain of bullets he had brought her way.

But because there were so many and so expectedly, one of them managed to clip against her arm, grazing the surface as she gasped out in order to find the injury.

Dazai’s hand was fast, using the blood dripping from her forearm to his advantage as it reached out for her only for Asa to narrow her eyes and just barely miss his touch only for the executive to change his intent and aim for somewhere else.

Barreling his fist into her ribs, Asagao then slumped backwards in order to clutch onto the area before she quickly countered in order to reach her hand forward and reach his face.

Then before Dazai could realize what she was doing, the girl had grasped onto his bandaged eye in order to pull the wrappings loose as the boy couldn’t help but widen his eyes at the vulnerable attack.

No one had ever tried to aim for that before, mostly because no one knew how badly it could shake him. But Asagao did, she knew everything about him.

His surprise was just enough time for Asagao to smirk before barreling her own fist straight into the executives face a second later, her knuckles painting with blood as Dazai felt himself stumble backwards with pain only for the boy to place a disbelieving finger to the sight.

And before the white gauze had to change to hit the ground, Dazai’s fingers reacted absentmindedly, his hand reaching out before wrapping them around Asa’s slim neck in order to bring her to the ground with pure and unriddled force.

Her body hit the floor a second later, gasping as her fingers tried to claw for release only for his other hand to quickly grab her wrists and pin them above her head in a makeshift prison of his own design.

He felt the madness, the sadistic joy overtake him as he squeezed her airways with no mercy, wanting nothing more than to make her pay for such a dirty and successful tactic she had orchestrated.

And yet, the face she made underneath him still showed no sign of fear or weakness. She wasn’t like Akutagawa at all. Even though he could end her life and snap her neck at any moment, the way she looked at him was firm, almost like she was coaxing him to do it.

That same addicting feeling soon washed over him, as he felt his fingers grip even tighter without permission. Suddenly it all made sense, why she was supposed to stay out of Yokohama.

It was because she was the embodiment of a perfect tool. Any one that had an assassin like her in their hands would surely succeed in the underworld.

Oh, Mori would’ve killed to have her between his fingers. He just knew it. If he knew that something like her existed then he was sure that the boss would have stopped at nothing to obtain it.

And for a moment, Dazai’s mind went there as well, knowing that she would make a far more promising subordinate than Akutagawa. He could just imagine it, bending her into his own image and using her to take control of the port mafia. Him and his bloodthirsty attack dog, how they could bring a new era to the this fucked up pointless little world.

Yet that’s when Odasaku’s voice shattered everything.

“Be a good man”

Gasping back into reality, Dazai’s eyes then filled with realization for his dark twisted thoughts in order to immediately loosen his grip on Oda’s sister’s neck only to hear her gasp out a struggling breath.

Wait, what was he doing, what was he thinking just now?

Asagao then used his brief moment of weakness to completely slip from his grasp only to disappear before Dazai saw her leg approach his face a millisecond later, and this time he didn’t try to stop it.

The force of the hit sounded throughout the warehouse a moment later as Dazai felt his entire body fall backwards onto the ground, his head spinning and throbbing by the sheer power only for him to place his hands onto the ground on all fours.

But the pain in his head was nothing compared to the utter shame and guilt he felt for disobeying his best friend's wish. He got too carried away and Asagao paid the price for it.

So much so, Dazai then closed his eyes before placing a dramatic hand towards his cheek in order to look back towards Asa and cry pathetically. “Owieee! Asa-chann, you know I don’t like pain. Why did you do that? It hurts!”

Asa then blinked in surprise, her feet unmoving as she took in the strange new tone from the boy. It seemed like the air had shifted as well. “Osu..”

Then all at once, the red haired girl then looked down at her feet before leaning down in order to pick up the discarded bandage and hand them out of the boy with a guilty smile. “Sorry. Guess I got carried away again.”

Looking down at the white colored gauze, Dazai then lowered his eyes before carefully taking them back before he took in her response. What did she have to be guilty about? He was the one that had taken things too far and hurt her.

Dazai then watched the girl play with her fingers, ignoring the blood cascading down her face in order to look up at him with anxious hope. “So uhh..did I win? Did I impress the great mafia executive?

At that, he couldn’t help but blink before his own lips curved into a small genuine smile without his permission in order to reach his fingers and touch the blood by her eye.

Even though things got out of hand, even though he should’ve stopped them, he still couldn’t lie to her, even if he so desperately wanted to. “You did.”

And the pure happiness that appeared from those two simple words made his heart twist and turn in every single unpleasant direction he could ever imagine.

-----

The two returned to Oda’s apartment just as the sun began to rise, only for Asagao to immediately grab the first aid kit so that they could patch themselves up from the previous fight.

Pulling the white colored bandages around her arms silently, the kids didn’t ask each other for help, simply completing their own work in utter silence as Dazai couldn’t help but stare at her with a heavy sigh.

She was wearing her glasses again, yet the girl’s careful fingers seemed to know exactly what she was doing, almost like she had patched herself up a million times before. He wouldn’t have been surprised though if that was the case. She was obviously experienced.

Yet that’s when Asa let out a sigh on her own before looking towards the boy in question with a teasing smirk in order to show him her arms. “Hey, Osu! Look, I’m you now.”

The girl then leapt to her feet before placing her fingers under her chin with a fake deep mocking voice. “I’m Dazai Osamu and you better be careful darling, cause I might make you cry pretty little tears.”

At that, Dazai couldn’t help but raise an eye, the boy snorting in reply. “Is that your impression of me?”

Asa only nodded though, beaming in joy. “Mhmm! Pretty good, right?”

The boy then shook his head before crawling over to the girl with a devious smile of challenge.“Alright then, two can play that game..”

Then he reached his fingers out in order to grasp onto Asa’s glasses, taking them off her face before putting them on his instead.

Laughing to himself, Dazai then let out a girliest response he could muster. “I’m Oda Asagao and..oh no! Who put that railing there, am I right? Oh, I’m so clumsy and silly all the time, I can’t even see where I’m going!”

He then let out another mocking giggle only for Asagao to blink in surprise before covering her eyes with her hands with an embarrassing groan. “Aw man, do I really sound like that?”

Dazai only nodded though, pushing his fingers towards the frames. “All the time, love.”

The boy then leaned forward into her personal bubble before humming with pure interest in order to pry her fingers from her eyes. “Aww look at you, all shy now without your glasses. How cute.”

And when his fingers finally revealed her face, Dazai couldn’t help but smirk at the very familiar blush painting her cheeks as she looked anywhere but the man in question.

How funny, just hours ago she was looking at him with such a bloodthirsty and calculating stare and now she couldn’t even meet his eyes without her glasses.

He wanted to tease her some more but no matter what he tried she still didn’t budge, causing the boy to sigh before removing the large round frames and plopping them back onto her eyes as Asa muttered back softly. “I’ll work on it. I’m just not used to them off.”

The room turned quiet then only for Asagao to speak first, her voice just barely above a whisper. “Hey, Osamu..”

Dazai then turned his head in reply only for Oda’s sister to give a heavy weighted sigh in his direction. “Were you being serious before? Are you really not..scared of me..?”

And to be honest, the girl could hardly believe his last words at the warehouse. She had shown him such a twisted side of herself, anyone would’ve been pissed off or horrified. She had even used Dazai’s weakness of physical touch against him so that he would hit her.

She had manipulated him and the girl wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see her again. That’s usually how things went anyways. She was a lot to handle for anybody.

The boy could only scoff at her question though, knowing that she had everything backwards. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that question?”

He had soiled Odasaku’s honor after all, he had let his dark port mafia soul take over and hurt his best friend’s precious little sister. He didn’t hold back and he wasn’t kind.

Yet that’s when Asagao only turned her head, like the answer was obvious.

“You’re not scary..you’re just Osu..”

The voice she used was so sickeningly sweet, so pure and passionate that Dazai couldn’t help but feel his heart drop straight into his chest. She didn’t actually believe that, right?

Did she not see what happened tonight, did she not hear his deprived and horrible thoughts about wanting to chain her to him as his subordinate? Did she not feel the lingering effects of blood on her skin? Or did she simply not care?

Just then, Dazai caught sight of the bandages around her neck, knowing damn well what kind of injury lay beneath. He could almost see them, the lingering effects of his fingertips on her throat.

The boy then saddened at the clear sign of his failure before lifting his hand up in order to run two fingers across the bandages in a defeated line.

And for the first time, Dazai cared .

Noticing his silence, Asagao then frowned in concern before reaching her fingers forward with worry for his strange reaction. “Osamu, what’s wrong?”

But her voice was so kind that Dazai felt himself immediately curl inside himself, his entire body flinching and growing tense at the sight of her gentle soft fingers in his line of sight.

No, she couldn’t touch him, she’d be tainted like him.

Swallowing to himself, the boy then watched Asa’s touch freeze at his obviously uncomfortable reply before he covered it up with a forced chuckle. “Why would anything be wrong?”

But it was bullshit, everything he said was bullshit, and it seemed like Asagao knew that as well, her eyes softening at the state of his vulnerable, weak and ever telling body language.

It was obvious to tell that he was running away from something, like something was haunting him. But he was recoiling from those feelings, not allowing her to see the softness he was so desperately trying to hide.

Just the very sight made Asagao crumble just slightly. He didn’t trust her, it was obvious.

And why should he? The two weren’t friends, they were practically strangers.

And Dazai hated it, he hated how she looked at him, like she could read his mind. It was too close, too personal. It made him uncomfortable and uneasy.

Yet that’s when Asagao simply smiled softly in his direction before allowing her hand to fall onto her lap without another word.

The mafia executive couldn’t help but blink though, not believing what he was seeing. She didn’t push it, she didn’t make fun of his inability to be touched. She simply let it be.

Just then, the doorbell began to ring only for Asagao to quickly stand up with a joyful clap of her hands in order to break the tension. “Oh! Don’t worry, I’ll get it! That must be the delivery we ordered!”

Dazai then watched as the red haired girl moved towards the door only for his fingers to reach out desperately and catch her hand before it left his sight completely. “Asagao.”

Asa froze at the sound immediately. He had just called her by her full name, he had never done that before.

The girl then paused only for Dazai to squeeze onto the surface with so many unspoken words. But could he say? He didn’t have the right to ask her anything.

He had never felt like this before, he had never felt such regret and concern after a fight. The sensation was strange and he didn’t like it.

And as horrible as it was, Dazai had enjoyed their match tonight. He liked having a challenge and he loved the reactions she gave him. It was enticing, addicting but somehow it still all felt wrong.

How could he regret something so clearly and yet want to relive it at the same time?

But like a prayer, she did so for him, her hand moving as she smiled in his direction. “Osu, after we eat, let's plan our next fight, okay?”

She was telling him not to worry about it, that she wasn’t bothered by the way things played out tonight.

And the way she wore Odasaku’s face, it was like the very sight was tricking him into believing he hadn’t made a horrible mistake towards his friend's wish.

So much so, the boy gave into the delusions, letting Asagao go from his grasp with a small bitter smile. Was it wrong to admit that tonight was enjoyable? That he wanted to do it again?

He didn’t dare speak that out into the air though, afraid of what it would bring.

-----

After slipping out from Osamu’s grip, Asagao then disappeared towards the front door only to throw the object open with a goofy grin, expecting to see the delivery driver that she had been waiting for.

Only it wasn’t the delivery man at all.

In fact, it was probably the worst possible person she could imagine.

And almost instantly her expression began to fall with anxiety as she looked into the eyes of a very familiar, very angry face staring back at her, accompanied by over a dozen government officials.

Obviously he didn’t think her little “running away” joke was very funny three weeks ago.

Yet even so, his name couldn’t help but run into her mind at the sight, internally groaning at the man in question.

Ango.

#bsd dark era #bsd dazai #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai osamu #fanfic #bsd odasaku #dazai x fem reader #dazai x y/n #dazai x odasaku!sister #dazai x reader #bungo stray dogs odasaku #bsd chuuya #dazai x you

14 notes · View notes

caxycreations · 10 months

Text

Nowhere Else to Put This

WARNING: VENT, STRONG LANGUAGE

I don't know where to start or where to end

so fuck it

just

gonna go.

I have no job. I've tried, before, several times. Worked at a cotton gin when I was 16, got fired 3 hours in because my supervisor kept telling me to sit down and watch how to do the work, and the manager kept coming by RIGHT as I was sitting back watching. So I got fired 3hrs in for "not doing anything besides watching a man four times my age do ten times my work".

Worked at a burger stand after that, lost that job when they closed down a week later. Unemployed for years after that, then mom talked to her boss and managed to get me a job working in-home care, specifically for my grandmother, who was a client of the company. That was great. $11.50 an hour to keep my grandmas place clean, hang out and chat with her, and run errands? I was already doing that, so all that changed was that now I got paid for it.

Eventually snagged a second job, remodel work for the local walmart, and wound up quitting because it felt so fucking pointless. Two of the managers insisted that the local workers could be dropped because this walmart was so small they could do the work with a third of the team in half the time, and made sure to remind the local workers (aka me, mom, my cousin, and my friend, along with 6-7 others out of the 30-man team) that we were completely expendable, and entirely unwanted.

So I quit that job, focused entirely on the in-home care job for a while longer.

And then I moved. Stupid, idiotic, worthless idea. I moved away to live with my boyfriend in Oklahoma, who promptly dumped me two goddamn weeks after I moved, revealing he only wanted me out there to "save me from that dead-end town", and he had actually been thinking of breaking up with me for a month or more, but wanted to "save me" first.

I wind up there for six months, applying everywhere I can, trapped in his house because nobody will hire me and I can't leave on my own because my anxiety prevents me from driving. Finally, my Dad saves the day, finding out what happened and driving for a day solid to get there and bring me back home.

And I still couldn't land a job. A town where everyone knew me, everyone knew my dad, his word could get ANYONE a job there

Anyone but me. Because everyone heard about the gin situation, and saw me as lazy, all because one person several years ago told me to sit down and watch, and another person misread the situation, and the first never stood up for me.

Now I live with Mom. I'm 25, I've lived on my own multiple times in the past, and moved away once before, and I still wound up back here.

I have problems. I have undiagnosed autism (literally proven, tested and proven, but I pissed off the guy who handled my test and he said he would not diagnose "such a smart-mouthed kid" (context: he wanted me to make a story using random bits and bobs from a plastic bag, and I got frustrated after the sixth time of explaining to him that being put on the spot was making it impossible)

I have diagnosed anxiety (been on anti-depressants, relaxants, and even had a doctor outright TELL me that I should get a support animal to help manage it)

There are things I absolutely can not do on my own. I can't drive. I can't deal with the general public in person. I can't even manage to say hi to a stranger.

And it fucking HURTS.

I need to see a dentist, I need to see a doctor, I need to be re-tested for autism by someone who actually fucking cares so I can get that diagnosis on paper instead of people looking at me like an asshole for saying I'm autistic without documentation.

And the only person who can help me do so is my mom, who consistently neglects both myself AND my little brother, because she can't be bothered to deal with any kind of inconvenience to her desire to sit in bed all day and play Spades on her phone, or to go mow the lawn for the 400th time this week just so she can tell us to do everything because "i've been outside all day".

I try to do what I can, I try to earn what I can. But it doesn't fucking work. I try to stream, and so many people say "oh advertise more, you'll be seen by more people" but that's bullshit. I'm lucky to get one new follower in six months. I've got an internet following 700-people strong across all my platforms, and over 100 of them on my Twitch, and I still struggle to get so much as 6 people viewing on a stream at any given time.

But twitch isn't everything, I also do art commissions, writing commissions, and once-upon-a-time did VRChat Avatar commissions!

I stopped doing Art comms because I'd charge $30 for the same thing others were charging $70-$100 for, and I barely got any interest, and the interest I did get, people would ask me for so much more than I was capable of. So I dropped it to just headshots. Five bucks or less depending on the quality asked of me, and it STILL doesn't get me anything.

Writing comms? I've gotten ONE writing comm request in the 7 years I've been offering them, and you wanna know what it was? Some fuckin weirdo asking for, of all things, an NSFW PAW PATROL FIC. I'm sorry, my moral compass might be grey half the time but even on my most morally defunct day I wouldn't write that for any amount of money.

avatar comms? I was actually half good at! Got a few people ordering from me, and it was good money cause I could land $60-$70 comms that took like 2-3 days to do. But then I lost access to the popular model, and people stopped wanting the work, and the few that still did wanted me to do things with models I physically could not do. One client had an asymmetrically patterned oc and INSISTED on using the Terris Wolf, which btw, is LOCKED as a symmetrical texture. The texture wrap is literally just one half of the model, mirrored onto the other half, and the only way to fix that would be to fully unwrap the model in Blender and make a whole new custom texture, WHICH I CAN'T DO because every time I open Blender I get an actual physical headache looking at it. So I stopped because people kept asking me for things I couldn't do, even things that were in my ToS as "Cannot/Will Not Do".

I have no work. I have no income besides the pathetic $50-$60 I make every 3-4 months from streaming.

And when I vent about this, so many people say "I wish I could help you, but I'm going through so-and-so"

I don't want a handout! I accept tips and donations sure, but it's because I can't fucking afford to turn them down! Do you think if I had any reasonable income I'd be asking people to give me money for nothing besides the goodwill of helping me? NO! Because I don't want to be a charity case!

I have a very, VERY capable mind, and very capable hands, and a willingness to learn whatever skill or skills I need to in order to do a job. The problem is I can't work public jobs, I need something that doesn't require driving, and all the work-from-home stuff is either "work hard and one day you might make minimum wage if you're lucky!" or "requires X years experience, bachelor's or greater degree in X field, and must hold X certification"

There are "entry-level" DATA ENTRY jobs that demand certifications! Can you believe that??? Certified, for what? Pushing fuckin buttons? Data entry isn't that fuckin complicated.

I just

I want to earn income.

I hate being given something for nothing. I hate feeling like I owe people, or like the only reason I have something is because someone else decided I was worth it.

I'm worth it to me, I want to buy myself things, I want to be able to afford replacements and repairs when things break or wear down, I want to be able to pay for my own groceries, I want to be able to buy my own clothes, and I want to earn the money used to do so.

I hate feeling so fucking useless, so hopeless. I've spent YEARS improving the few marketable skills I do have, and it's led to a state of living where I can't even afford to buy groceries without asking my boyfriend to pay for them, and I fucking hate it. It's not his responsibility to provide for me, it's mine, and I'm tired of relying on everyone around me for the most basic shit.

Sorry to spill this here. Nowhere else fucking cares and the people I normally vent to have heard this all before and I don't want to bother them with it.

#vent #venting #hopelessness #painful #anger

17 notes · View notes

blueroan-equestrian · 11 months

Text

An Old Comrade

This is a mix of a dream and the song born without a heart

The last thing I remember was the sound of the scrap metal Bomb and bright lights. I told that idiot Jake Sully to stay out of the enemy bunkers. But of course he didn’t listen, he never does. So as his captain I had to save his dumb ass again. I should have had him discharged but he had his moments. I know that I was only 19 and he 20, but I was quick to climb the ranks once I joined the army at 17 and 1/2. I was his captain I had given the orders to take a specific route to the target but he thought he knew better. I normally never make promises but I promised that knucklehead’s brother that I would bring him home and I don’t break my promises. That promise I made to a scared, desperate brother… a smart brother who reminded me of my own older brother… one who was murdered. He was why I joined the army. So I dumbly promised to bring him home and I got killed because of it.

I was dead until I wasn’t. I woke in this blue body with some guy talking about revenge for me if I helped them with their vendetta, something I never wanted… but something told me that I had to play along. So I did passively until we came across some what they called Navi that were fucking children and the group were actively threatening them. When Quartreidge hummed, “Ah you’re his.”

Not only were they threatening children but his… I gritted my teeth but tried to stay calm. I was able to brush off the lady man handling the youngest fairy easily without setting off any suspicions. I leaned forward and hoped to whatever power there is that the idiot taught her the codes from our squad as I whispered, “Let the sand settle.” I was trying to tell her to settle and wait. And she did and then a voice called out and was going back with Quartreidge. Then a voice that I recognized chimed in and I piped up “Don’t let the hair on your neck stand up Jake, like in the sand pit!”

Aka be quick, we’re doing the same thing we did in the sand pit. I tossed the child behind me knocked out one holding on the teen girl and went to shoot the others as they had now caught on and luckily an Adult man and the woman were able to help push out the other. The woman didn’t make a move to harm me but she kept her bow armed and the male gestured for her to lower the weapon, “Captain?”

It was Jake’s voice, my eyebrows shot up,“knuckle head? Damn look at you!”

Jake came over to me and crushed me in a bear hug, “Neytiri come meet my old squad leader and Captain, (y/n). (Y/n) was a great leader and saved my behind more than once.”

“I wouldn’t have had to if you had the capability to follow a simple order and I also wouldn’t have been blown up if you had just listened just once.”

Whispers from the boy with his sides shaved, “Dad didn’t fallow orders? He got someone killed?”

Neytriri chuckled, “She’s feisty, I like her. But forgive me, but you don’t look much older than our oldest son. How could you have been to war with my husband? I hope you don’t mind me asking.”

“I was 19 when I died…. They… those people… put me in this body… I don’t know how… they thought I would be angry with what happened… enough to want Jake dead… but clearly they didn’t do their research on me because even if I was…”

“You never allowed the children to be harmed if you could help it. (Y/N) wasn’t like anyone I had ever met before on earth… well maybe Tommy but just different.” Jake finished.

The boy with the full head of braids stepped up, “Dad? You know her? She was with them. What is happening?”

“I will explain later, and you will also have to explain yourself, but right now we need to get to safety. (Y/n), if you like you can come with us. I know it’s not like anything we ever knew before…”

“Thanks Jake… but I don’t know the first thing about this place.”

“That’s okay, neither did I at first. But you haven’t just saved my life repeatedly but now my children. We will teach you to be one of the people.”

Neytiri came up to me and hugged me. I stiffened as this kind of affection from strangers was a foreign concept for me. “Come, if Jake trusts you, so will the clan.”

… after a briefing on the structure of the clan and its culture

“You can barrow some of my clothes until we can teach you how to make your own.” Neytiri says as we stepped into a large hut.

“It’s the best way to fit in.” Jake says standing next to me, “we can help get it on.”

“I am comfortable in what I have on. Well if I cropped the pants into shorts and just wear my undershirt I will be good.”

“It’s definitely something that takes getting used to. I remember when Jake switched to our clothing, he wouldn’t stop picking at it.” Neytiri chuckled at the memory.

“It will be good for you to fit in.” Jake coaxed.

“And I am good with what I have. I have enough to get used to, like being brought back from the dead after my dumbass corporal got me blown up. Not to mention I am in a body that’s not my own… I am good with my clothes. But I am okay with the bare feet thing. I never liked shoes anyway.”

Jake wrapped an arm around me and squeezed, “Alright for now. But can we agree to at least make the traditional clothing so when you are ready, you will already know how to do it?”

“I have no objections to that… I can’t believe you learned another language and culture… I am proud of you. I’m sure Tommy is too.”

Jake had a sad look in his eyes as he says, “I think he would be too… Tommy was murdered, but if he could see me now I think he would be proud too. So how about we get some sleep and in the morning I will take you out to hunt. That will be the most important thing for you to learn… while we do that we will try to help you learn the language.”

… the language was difficult and Jake was the leader of the clan so he was a busy man. He always tried to be there for all the beginnings of any training but he couldn’t be there for all of it so his oldest son eagerly volunteered. Neteyam was only a year younger and quite the charmer and eager to hear stories about his father. I followed behind Neteyam as he spoke slowly in his native tongue, he was careful to keep a pace I could keep up with. We were practicing my comprehension and language skills today. Today the topic seemed to be on my upcoming initiation and pick of an Ikran. I can’t say I was enthusiastic about the Ikran thing… I barely am able to walk through the trees without freaking out about the height. Neteyam stepped into a clearing and seeing where we were, I realized he wasn’t talking in future tense but rather present tense. I tried to pivot on my heels and there was Jake. I glared and muttered, “you ass.”

“I know you don’t like heights but the captain I knew would forget her fear of heights when called upon. I know you can do it. The first time is the scariest part. You will be a natural. Neteyam told me that you have really been excelling with everything else. You got this.” Jake says planting a hand on either side of my shoulders.

“He’s being too kind. I thought we said we would do this next week… this is why he brought this topic up in Navi.”

“It worked you understood enough to know what he was talking about but not enough to get worked up.” Jake leaned over, “Don’t think about it, it’s always worse in your head than it actually is.”

“If I die because of this I am adding this to your tally.”

“Sure, now go get ‘em captain.” He chuckled.

And that is when I found Daisy, my Ikran.

…

“(Y/n), I think we need to leave for the safety of the clan… which means we need you to fully adapt including the clothes.” Jake says sitting me down.

I groaned, “fine but can you please help me with the tail… I have already tried before and I can’t figure out if I am doing it wrong or just not used to it.”

He agreed and he helped me tie the loin cloth and then handed me something like an infinity scarf. “Here, I know you like to be a little more covered, so I made you this… it goes around your body twist it over your neck to secure it… finish dressing and then start packing. We will meet for dinner and then call for our Ikrans and go.”

“Thank you Jake.”

….

The flight was long and tiring. It was so long that the giddy feeling that I get from flying left my body and left me numb. I was too drained to care about the voice when we arrived and the way they spoke with a cutting edge. I just stood close to Jake and let him do the talking. This Jake is much more put together than he was before.

Neteyam stood to my right and was shoulder to shoulder with me. I could see him mimicking his father’s stance. Even in tense situations he wanted nothing more than to be like his father. I found it sweet, the father he knows now is someone to admire. Neteyam has already surpassed his father when I had known him in the army so I predicted he would do the same for this Jake too. Neteyam doesn’t believe that is possible but I told him every father’s dream is for their son to surpass them one day. After all if the child surpasses the parent then they have done their job.

We were allowed in and I was more worried than ever. I barely knew the language and if they were to find out I was more of an outsider than they knew. Will I ever learn their ways? I sat alone amongst the stars and watched them sparkle from the beach. Jake, and his family came to sit with me. Tuk was the first to speak, “Dad said today is your birthday! Happy birthday!”

I looked at Jake and shrugged, “Is it really? I suppose it’s been about three months since I have been in this body I only had three months till my birthday when I died… I guess it is… strange how time is almost nonexistent here. What a whirlwind of a day for a birthday.” I hummed.

Tuk leaned against me and I pulled her close. She seemed so pure. She pointed to Neteyam “in two more months Neteyam will be 19. Your birthdays are close together.”

I chuckled, “Yeah? Back home you would finally be done with school… if you didn’t drop out or skip ahead by taking the GED test like I did and would be expected to become a contributing member of society.”

“Same here. If we were back home he would have been allowed to start courting for a mate. But given time he will earn his place here too. You will find someone too. You are too amazing to be left alone Captain, the boys will be swarming just like back home.” Jake teased bumping his shoulder into mine playfully.

I accidentally let a loud laugh escape my lips, “I don’t know about that… I’m okay alone. I got too many demons running in my head.”

“I think that you are great.” Neteyam piped up.

I give him a soft smirk, “Thanks kid.”

There was the smallest fleck of hurt in his eyes but I brushed it off as him not liking me calling him kid as technically we are just a little over a year apart if we go by consciousness time.

The next morning I was walking with Lo’ak down for the lessons we were to attend. Lo’ak was definitely like the Jake I once knew. Fiery and a little rash like he was. I was snacking on some berries that I had gathered earlier when Lo’ak says something that has me choking on little berries. “You know he likes you, you know, don’t you?”

“What? Who?”

Lo’ak rolls his eyes, “Neteyam.”

“No, you’re brother just idolizes your father and I’m just someone close to him from his past.”

Lo’ak stopped, “after you guys went back to the canopy, Neteyam and I stayed back and…he just lost it. He thinks the world of you.”

“Not me the idea of what your father sees in me. Your brother is seeking out your father’s approval and I clearly have that and so he has misplaced those feelings.” I shrugged.

Lo’ak growled, “No, you’re not listening! He likes you. You’re all he talks about. The day you came into our lives he would tell me how pretty, sweet, brave and smart you are.”

“I saved you guys the day I met you … it’s transference.”

Lo’ak did that hiss his mother does when she is frustrated with Jake and walks off. I let it go.

When the boys got into a fight with Aonung and his friends I barked out with my best Navi language and old Captains voice that demanded attention. “Enough! Line up now!” They did, “Stand up straight! Now someone care to explain why the fuck you are rolling around on the ground, fighting like little girls?”

Lo’ak practically jumped forward to explain. I sauntered over to stand in front of Aonung, “Well boy is it true?”

“Well…”

“Yes or no boy! It’s not that hard!” I barked.

“Yes.”

“Not a good look for the future chief of the clan. Bullying someone so much smaller than you. Does the little lady scare you, boy?”

“No!” Aonung replied indignantly.

“Well you sure fooled me. Perhaps you owe Kiri an apology… don’t you agree?”

He nodded, “I am sorry for my behavior Kiri.”

Jake didn’t like how I handled it and made Lo’ak apologize and when Aonung sent him into a sticky situation I told Jake it was his fault.

….

When Kiri had her seizure I had rushed to the family canopy to find Jake’s friends from his time in the science building. Luckily Ronal had already saved Kiri by the time I had heard what had happened and came back. I was out on my own because I was feeling the tension of the boys and me and thought we needed space. But we clearly had issues here “Jake? How are they here?”

“I radioed them.”

“You idiot! Why don’t you just radio RDA and surrender yourself while you’re at it.” I growled. When he tried to act confused I clarified, “Radio waves can be tracked to a degree!”

The realization hit and he started to panic, “I… I just wanted to help Kiri.”

“Well did they fix her?”

“No Ronal did.”

I absolutely lost it, “You couldn’t have started there? Jake I thought you changed! I thought you started to think things through! You are just repeating the same stupid shit you did when you got me blown up!”

“Kiri was sick!”

“And there are clearly healers here! We need a plan. We need to get ahead of this!”

… four months later we for now have resolved the issue and things were rocky. I now often find myself staying to myself and sleeping on the beach. Neteyam came out and sat next to me on the beach. “Hey… will you be coming back home? Dad is really sorry and he misses you.”

“I don’t know… a lot has happened… I just… feel so frustrated. I have all these conflicting feelings and until I get them sorted I think it’s best I keep my distance.”

Neteyam scooted closer to me as I gazed at the sky. “Wouldn’t it be easier to talk to him?”

I chuckled, “I suppose but you know as well as I do that is a lot easier said than done.”

“Well what if I go with you? I could help you talk it out.”

That was the first time I saw Neteyam as more of a man than as my comrades kid. He was mature when I was feeling juvenile. Earth never allowed for me to have any time to develop emotionally like I have seen here. Sure they still have to learn to survive but there’s a softness to it. “Neteyam… you have become quite the grown man.”

He chuckled, “I have been for a while now. You just haven’t been paying attention.”

“Oh and what else did I miss?” I teased.

Leaning forward so that he was just a breath away, “How about how much I adore you. How much of a good mate I would be for you…”

I pulled back as I stiffened up. I don’t know why I even asked that. Lo’ak had told me Neteyam had feelings but I couldn’t of imagined this. The word mate here is like earths married couple but they are permanent here. He was talking about it like a lifetime decision was nothing… a no brainer. Something you just jump into… sure we have spent time training but that’s nothing to compare to being with someone. I felt the need to run so I took the only thing I could think of. “I think you are right, I should talk things out with Jake… but by myself.” I quickly got up and walked away to find Jake.

I pulled him to a secluded area and my face must’ve said everything because he asked, “is everything okay?”

“No yes… I don’t know too many things are happening at once. I don’t know it’s all so much and I just need my friend so I guess this part has been made easier in a way.. Jake…I’m sorry I got so mad at you I don’t know what came over me… but it was like I was back in that war… when you were so careless. I know that you didn’t intend to do anything so stupid.”

“It’s okay, I get it… I was really an idiot and even more so back then. I can see that it brought you back… back when I got you blown up… now what do you need your friend for?”

“Well… started with your son asking for me to come talk things through with you.”

“But that’s not what got you all freaked out… is it?”

“No… let’s just skip to the end Neteyam made a comment about him being a good mate for me. Back on earth I probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. Marriage was never something that it is here… and he is your kid and I don’t know how he got to wanting that level of commitment. We have never been around each other outside the trainings and your family stuff. So where is that coming from? I don’t understand… that’s such a big thing for you guys and he barely knows me.”

Jake thought for a moment, “Tell me… what exactly has you so freaked out about him wanting to be your mate?”

“I… I don’t know… I guess it’s just that I don’t know if I am someone who can be loved…or love the way that he or anyone really deserves…”

Jake nodded, “You don’t feel like you deserve to be loved?”

“Don’t you think that your son deserves better?”

“Captain, you know I think you’re amazing and clearly so does he.” Jake says with a gentleness to his voice.

I shifted and fidgeted as I tried to gather my thoughts, “But how can he know with so little… why me? I don’t know if I could ever reciprocate such feelings.”

Jake nods, “Well some just know…. Others learn to love the mate that was chosen for them.”

I cocked my head to the side, “What are you saying Jake?”

“Would it be so bad to be mated to him?”

My jaw dropped, “Jake! Don’t you want him to have someone who adores him?”

“I want someone who clearly cares for him and you do.”

I groaned, “I care for you and Lo’ak and Kiri and Neytiri are going to say that I should be your mates?”

“No… I am saying… that you over think…and here you need a mate… you care enough about his happiness that maybe that is enough… I know what you went through growing up and I am sorry I brought it up and I won’t do it again… but because of that you don’t know what is out there… maybe take the jump and let him catch you. You deserve to be loved.”

“What about him?” I whispered.

“Let him decide if he’s alright with whatever you have to offer. If you can’t give more… would it be so bad to be mated to him? You at the very least know that you care for him… whether it’s because he’s my son or because he’s someone in your life…. That could be enough. I’m saying I support it, you’re a good person. ”

“So I should just agree to be … his?”

“It is the way of the people… to create Tsaheylu it brings you so much closer. It is a powerful bond and I think it will help you find your own place here. Maybe heal some wounds… and if it doesn’t would it be so bad for you to be bonded to Neteyam?”

“No… but he deserves better.”

“That’s how I know that he’s picked the right one… you want him to be happy and have all the love that he deserves.”

…

I followed him home and we both got into our hammocks and fell asleep. In the morning we sat together for breakfast. Neteyam gave me a soft smile, “I am glad that you have patched things up.”

“So am I… thank you for pushing me…” I whispered.

He nodded, “of course… about last night… I wanted to apologize.”

“Don’t apologize for speaking your truth… we should talk later.”

He nods…

We walked down the sandy beach and I stopped, “I don’t know if I am capable of the kind of love you claim to have for me… I don’t know if I can adore you… I don’t think I am capable of it.”

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, “I have enough for the both of us.”

“You deserve better.”

“I don’t want better, I want you. Come to Eywa with me.”

He took my hand in his and squeezed. I agreed and we decided rather than going to the water we would fly out to the nearest tree of voices. It was a long flight but it was closer to what he grew up with.

He led me deep amongst the trees and the knelt down. I followed suit unsure of what exactly to expect. I knew this was heavily spiritual for them, but I don’t know what exactly it involves. He ran a hand down my neck, then arm taking my hand in his bringing my fingers to his lips, “Ma Yawne, (my love) I promise to be a good mate to you… to be there for you when ever you need me and give you space when you need it. I will always support you and I know you’re unsure but I will be patient and help you in anyway you need me to.”

I nodded and he reached back and pulled over his shoulder his queue, so I did the same. He closes the distance and the tendrils enter twine. I am filled with this feeling that I can not explain. It was overwhelming and tears began to flow down my face. Then an emotion I was familiar with mixed in… worry he was worried. He took my face in his searching for answers. “What is wrong? What is happening?”

I couldn’t speak as the gasps and sobs were racking through me I braced myself by placing my hands on his shoulders. My eyes widened and my mouth hung open as I explored the feeling. As I found myself able to pull myself together I squeezed my eyes closed. What was this feeling that made my skin feel electric? Was it just the feeling of our nerves being connected? Yes that had to be it… our nervous systems were connected and it must be over stimulating. I focused on that thought and was able to control my breathing enough to compose myself. I looked up at him panting, “I am okay.”

His look of concern only softened, “Yawne, please… tell me what is going on?”

“Neteyam what does Yawne mean?” I asked focusing on the foreign word in hopes of distracting him.

“Yawne means love. You are my love.”

I looked at him confused, “love me, you don’t even know me. Even if you did, what’s there to love?”

Neteyam reached out and stroked my cheek, “I love how when I speak you look at me like I’m telling you the most interesting things. I love how when you talk with dad the two of you laugh like your two kids. I love how you and Kiri just talk when ever she’s frustrated. I love how you let Tuk teach you things even if you already know how. I love how you can goof off with Lo’ak but when needed get him to be serious. I love how you look out for us no matter what. You are so kind and caring. I meant it when I said that I think you are amazing. Now do you want to tell me what is going on?”

I licked my lips, and took a breath, “when we created the Tsaheylu, I was filled with this overwhelming feeling and I have no idea of what it is. I have never felt this feeling before.”

“Oh? I see well… how are you feeling now? Do you want to stop?” He asked gently.

“No… no I’m okay.” I breathed as I reached down to untie my loin cloth knowing that part of mating was to have sex. Reached out and untied his as well. I placed my hand on his chest and tell him, “lay back, baby boy.”

He does and as he lays down he keeps his eyes on me. I take a deep breath and leaned forward to kiss his cock before taking it into my mouth. He bucked his hips instinctively, pushing his member down my throat. I just relaxed my throat as I sucked on him, looking up watching him scrunching his face in pleasure. I sucked and bobbed my head up and down chasing his high.

Before he cummed, he reached down and pulled me off. “I want to cum inside you… can I?”

I nodded and allowed him to flip us to give him more control. I spread my legs open to allow him access to my most intimate parts. He pushes forward and sinks deep inside of me. I groaned loudly bucking my hips searching for a release. I cried out his name as he threw my legs over his shoulders and leaned forward so that my legs were pressed against my chest. I reached around his neck to pull him closer, entangling my fingers into his hair. He laid sloppy wet kisses over my lips, twirling his tongue with mine.

His hips began grinding into mine. I could tell that he was close. “Come on baby, cum inside of me.” I cooed.

He growled, squeezing his eyes shut and shot his seed deep inside of me. The feeling of his ecstasy through the bond triggered my own orgasm. I let out a scream of ecstasy. This feeling was the most erotic feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. He bit my shoulder as he pumped the last of his essence into me. He collapsed on top of me, still inside me as he panted “Yawne, that was amazing. You are amazing.”

I hummed pulling his hair back as I stroked his hair. “I am glad that you are feeling good. Rest easy sweet boy.”

He kissed my neck, “Sweet dreams Yawne.”

In the morning I woke up before Neteyam. I wriggle out from under him fixed my clothes. I found my bag and dug out something to drink. I pulled out my water bladder and brought it over to Neteyam. I gently woke up and pressed it to his lips, “Here drink this.”

He takes a few big gulps before pulling back, “Thank you Yawne.”

I take a drink myself, “We should get going.”

He looks at me solemnly, “I thought we could stay and listen to the voices… I haven’t been able to do it much since we moved here…”

“Oh… sure we can do that… um… but what exactly do you mean?” I questioned.

He smiled, “Has no one taught you to listen to the voices?”

I smirked playfully, “Well, you were my main teacher so I guess you could say that you really dropped the ball there.”

He chuckled, “Come, let me show you.”

Hearing the voices was beautiful. I wasn’t good enough to be able sort through the intermixed voices and understand but it was something else. “Wow… this is amazing!” He smiled brightly and it was a moment of simple bonding.

When the sun was highest in the sky, I pulled out a couple of large fruits and peeled them before handing one to him and finished peeling my own. He eats his fruit and though I am focused on my own fruit, I could feel his eyes. “You are staring.”

“I can’t help it, you are gorgeous even when you have bed head.”

My immediately one of my hands flew into my hair. Despite going for a flight, I had forgotten to French braid my hair. My hair wasn’t braided like the Sully’s hair is. I like my whispy hair and on days where I have to dive. I put it in a French braid. If I fly out to gather fruits I just tie it back. If I am fixing nets or helping with the sick, I leave it down. Normally I don’t care if I braid it for bed but with where we were going to spend the night and what we were going to be doing I had planned on braiding my hair. “Oh man! It feels all knotted!”

He chuckled, “You really should let me braid your hair.”

“No, I like my hair like this… but can you help me untangle this mess?”

He gestured for me to sit down between his legs and he began to thread his fingers through my hair working the knots out. Once done without being asked, Neteyam braided my hair into two French braids. “There, all done. Beautiful as ever.” He hummed kissing the crown of my head.

I smiled softly and we both flew home where he had a surprise. He walked me to one of the empty, unused canopies. “Tada! I talked to Ronal and she said that we could have this one to start our family!”

Start a family? “I will not be having children.” I said bluntly.

He paused for a moment, “You don’t want kids? Why?”

“I already told you I’m not capable to love. Children need love and I can’t give that.”

He stepped closer, “But…what if you can love?… Dad told me about what you went through…”

“He told you? That’s not his story to tell!” I snapped.

Neteyam placed his hands on my shoulders, “Yawne, I am your husband. He only told me to make sure that I knew what I was getting into.”

“Then it really shouldn’t come as a surprise then that I don’t want children.” I snipped.

“You let me cum inside you last night.”

“Birth control Neteyam. I take birth control, religiously. I don’t want children.”

He nodded, “I understand but can we come back to this in maybe a year?”

“Fine. We can reevaluate in a year but I promise nothing.”

…

We started living in our own space. It was difficult at first but I began to make repairs to our space and built various things for our living space. This lead to it be my responsibility to do this sort of thing for the whole clan, so now I didn’t have to dive. I loved it, I keep my hair however I wanted and I found it relaxing. One of the men would bring us some of their catch. This bothered Neteyam. “Sweet boy, you know that you aren’t able to fish all the time. Now you can go gather other things. Maybe go hunting like you did back home or gather fruit. Or you can give some to your family. Lo’ak eats more than an Ikran.”

“He is flirting with you. Why is he bringing you fish?”

I rolled my eyes, “because now that I am helping maintain the structure of the clan buildings and other little jobs, I can’t help provide for the family in the food department. He is just giving back. You can go gather fruits we like or go hunt like back home. I know you miss it. He knows that I am your mate. Relax, you can have fun now, relax.”

He did that hiss his mother does, “Naaahaaa, I provide for you! I am your mate, I am your husband! He is looking at you like he wants you!”

“He knows I am yours, relax. I found my place and just like your clan back home, this clan helps take care of one another.”

Neteyam scowled but stopped arguing. He just got to work on making dinner, while I worked on putting together a little tub for us. He placed the finished dishes on the small table. I set aside what I had left and joined him at the table. “Thank you for making dinner, Ma Neteyam.” I hummed.

He nodded solemnly but again said nothing. We had been together now for maybe a month or maybe it was two and we had only had sex when we mated, perhaps that was why he was so on edge. Once I finished my food I got up and shut the privacy curtain. “What are you doing?” He asked.

I smiled, “I’m going to go down on you baby, take off your clothes.”

He took his last bite before he quickly wriggled out of his loincloth. He leaned back giving me access to his already hardening cock. I slipped it into my mouth and sucked on it hard. His hands flew to my head pushing me down as he bucked his hips. I whimpered but relaxed my throat to accommodate more of him. His moans of pleasure as he fucked my face had me needing my own release. So I slipped a hand down to untie my own loincloth. I fingered myself which he found hot. His groans grew louder and his length stayed buried deep into my throat until he released his load inside my throat.

He pulled me off him and threw me on our bed. “Legs open, I’m still hungry.”

I threw my head back as I felt tongue swipe up my folds. He eagerly ate me out. I screamed his name each time he made me orgasm, four times in total. Each better than I have ever had before. I laid limp. He kissed up my body until he was hovering above me. I could feel his hard on rubbing against my thigh. I shook my head, “Too much, too much. I can’t please too much.”

He kissed my jaw, “shh, one more time.” With that he pushed into me. I whined, as I clawed at his back. I was seeing stars as he worked my body. He bit my shoulder as he shots his seed into me. He rolled off me and pulled me close. “That felt amazing Ma Yawne.”

….

Neteyam watched me work on the walk way. “Teyam, could you please help me tie this?”

“Of course, Ma Yawne.”

As we begin to spend more time together, the more I found myself feeling more comfortable with him. We were having sex more often and not just for the pleasure but for the intimate connection of it. I even allowed for the bond be made again.

“Teyam…. I… um… I think we need to talk.”

“Oh? What’s up?” He hummed sitting next to me.

“How do you know that you love me?”

He raised his eyebrows, “how do I know that I love you? Uh well you are the first person I want to see when I wake up and the last person I want to see before I go to sleep. Your smile lights up my whole world. You make me feel like sunshine, like warm sand against your skin. When I am without you, you are all I can think about. I crave your touch… I just love you.”

I nodded, “I see… Teyam…. I think I love you. I think this is what I am feeling but I find this feeling confusing.”

He chuckled smiling brightly, “love can be confusing… it’s not like anything else. It’s not easy to identify when you have never had it before… I understand why you were hesitant about it. I am glad that I am the one you chose to love… I love you. I see you.”

I smiled and pressed my forehead to his, “I see you too.”

He laughed, “now can we have a baby?”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, okay. But I don’t know anything about babies.”

Tag list @kenzi-woycehoski @ok-boke

#avatar #avatar smut #neteyam #neteyam smut #neteyam sully #neteyam sully smut #neteyam x reader

10 notes · View notes