#so i would say that for me and many others who have gone thru the same thing that 'being trans made me a better artist' is a true statement

[b0tster]

Hi! Also a trans indie (wannabe) game dev here! Do you think being trans inherently makes us better game devs or do you think it’s something else?

ok ive actually put a lot of through into this over the years because my artistic skill skyrocketed when i came out and so did a lot of my peers, and i do genuinely think that it is tied to our transness.

long story short (and i can only talk about my own experiences here) i was unable to make authentic art pretransition as i wasn't living as my authentic self. there was a frustrating block that made me feel like i didn't have anything to say with my art, even if i was capable of making art on a technically competent level.

when my egg cracked and my identity was rebuilt i was able to make art that authentically reflects myself, as i am now finally being authentic to myself, and i already had a head start on the technical side of art making so it was like taking off training weights i didnt even know i was wearing for the first time

[elulsdr]

WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU?

PILE 1 PILE 2 PILE 3

hey guys, it's my first pac ever so i would love to have your feedback. this pac also has random messages too rather than what do people think about you.

it's mainly about the messages i got. i hope it resonates⭐️ (i swear i'm better at personal readings LMAO)

PILE 1

people think you're very self oriented and love to have the power over them. maybe you have leader qualities and they can see that. i'd say they think you're more likely to choose logic over emotions. they think you're def the overthinker one. they know you know you're worth and know when and what to say something. they can feel that you like to be seen as cold hearted and powerful. in your head being numb equals having power. people think you're very materalistic as in, whatever you wear you make it seem expensive. people think you're very soft inside but don't let a lot people in. sometimes they can sense that deep down you're really insecure and they can see the other side of you. where you're not sure of anything you do, you don't trust yourself enough. sometimes you come off as really complex and a lot. you seem to be stuck on something. you want to let it go but can't really do it cause you get used to it. so that's why people can sense your imbalance energy. you could be indecisive or air headed these days. still, people know you have the strength to get over it. you could intimidate people at first but when they see the real you -which you dont show it to many they love it. maybe you got hurt on the past, that's why you put a mask like that. you could be very obsessive, and passionate about the things you love. you come off as competitive too.

PILE 2

oooh my broken heart pile.. if you recently gone through a breakup, doesnt matter if it's romantic or friends. people see youve been thru ALOT. you show it to everyone whether youre aware of it or not. people can sense the broken energy. you keep trying to explain your feelings? or what happened between you and the other person and they're like, can she move on already?? but it's cruel to think like that. cause i feel like this relationship somehow connected to your inner child. maybe the relationship helped you with healing your inner child that's why you felt those emotions that hard. people think you're sensitive and a romantic. everything i said was in the past, your energy now seems very refreshing and stepping ahead. also i have a really bad headache rn, are u ok? take care of your health and make sure you sleep enough. you have many sleepless nights. anyways, people see your steps to a better life. although you might got addicted to the new me concept and ignore everyone who tries to help you or tries to talk to you. you're like, i don't want your help i've been by myself all this long i can take care of myself from now on. they are a bit annoyed by this. they think you're a bit stubborn. DEF a hopeless romantic. don't try to burden everything and try to move on with your life asap. take your time to heal. and take people's help -only the ones who really care tho. aww i just got the 3 of swords. pls keep your precious heart safe bby. your love is enough and you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them. (wow pile 2's photo says the exact same thing, i didnt mean to do that lol)

PILE 3

hey pile 3, why do you feel so alone even if you're out with your friends? you like to ask people for advice but somehow you don't trust them as much as you trust yourself. i mean good for you but people -maybe your friends can tell that you're faking your feelings sometimes? maybe you feel the need to be happy around everyone even if you feel like shit. they can tell that. there's this person you are stuck on. it seems like you arent able to let them go. people really wonder about you guys. you could be a heartbreaker too. you and your friends are sarcastic people. people could get annoyed by the fact that you guys have fun lol. people think you have it all and you will have it all. they dont like the fact that they cant get a piece of you, your space, your time. it's like, there are people who want you but you got someone else on your mind who you seem to cant have. you like to learn more and more. you're very smart and people like that. but there's just this unknown people love about you. you have the friends, you have the grades, you have the face but what is it that makes you sad(?) and broken? people wonder the shit out of this lmao and you don't give them a chance to understand it. you tend to zone out a lot during the day and your thoughts makes you go nuts. people just seem to curious about you. they don't know enough. the more you don't give them the chance the more they wonder. people feel that you have tons of other shit to do than answer their questions. they know they don't deserve to steal your time like that.

[mylittleredgirl]

Least favorite Star Trek character in each series?

i love all my children equally how could you do this to me!!!!

slightly more rational answer: i have been thinking about this since yesterday when i got the ask and it's like every time i think i have an answer i immediately go "oh but i love them for XYZ" and they move up in the ranks. ultimately most treks are ensemble shows and removing anybody from the ensemble makes it all fall apart!

gun to my head, though, bearing in mind that i love all of them:

tos: gun to my head it's chapel i'm afraid and i feel bad about it. she doesn't really get to grow much and the other most-static character is probably chekov and i had a massive crush on him. in 1967 when they went "you know this show should add a mop top for the teenyboppers out there" they were talking specifically about me 30 years later.

tng: i would take the bullet for real.

ds9: man i'm going through main characters and then secondary characters and then tertiary characters and how are they all so essential and good????? literally i have gone thru a list of characters and a list of episodes and am coming up blank. even the villains are fantastic. eddington is annoying but he's supposed to be and his episodes are all great. sloan himself is fun it's just what section 31 did to star trek in general that sucks. like????? there's not a single name that shows up in the credits that doesn't make me go YEAHHHHHH.

voy: if we can count recurring characters i'm saying barclay. i liked him a lot as a character in tng and but go "for fuck's sake" whenever i see "guest star dwight schultz" on the voyager credits. i dislike pretty much every earth-contact episode after "message in a bottle" so maybe i don't like voyager-barclay because he just happens to be there?? for main cast it'd be neelix shut up shut up i love him in the ensemble but sometimes when they give him his own episode it's too much.

ent: sorry malcolm lovers this was the only show that was an easy choice. like we SHOULD dig into the fact that essentially his greatest wish is to sacrifice himself and he won't be happy until he dies on the job. klingon behavior but not at all for the fun and glory of it just because he kind of just doesn't enjoy being alive???? archer is terrible in so many ways but he's also much more enjoyable to watch being terrible.

disco: this is actually a very weird show to even know who to choose from. the cast changes every year! we barely even know the bridge crew! who is interesting enough to count as a main character?? of the main title cast i'm kind of hot and cold with adira. i like them but the sheer amount of anxiety radiating off them at all times makes me tense up whenever they come on screen. (i just realized it's kind of ironic to say adira because they're basically a mix of wesley and ezri, who would probably make this list for most other trekkies but are two of my absolute faves.) (i will think long and hard about this)

snw: i don't know that i have enough of a read on any of them? i still haven't finished it. chapel (again?? oh no) is the one i had the hardest time warming up to early on because she seemed the most wink-y and out of place in a franchise that usually takes silly things very seriously, but i did warm up to her!

lower decks: if we can go with guest characters i hate badgey (only one on here that gathers the "hate" rating!!). i don't find him (it??) funny and i know i SHOULD find it funny which means whenever it shows up i am both not having a good time and feel bad about not having a good time. the main characters are all brilliant. gun to my head it's boims but it's a close one i love them all.

i don't even know what other shows we have i've run out of steam???

oh right picard. captain shaw??? why is such a large subset of fandom so horny for him??? and shipping him with seven of nine of all things???? is it just White Guy With Trauma because there are like. a lot of other white guys with trauma in this franchise to choose from.

[gettinshiggywithit]

Can you do a fukuzawa, ranpo, kunikida, dazai, chuuya, (you can add more if you want :) except the kids though) x stalker reader (I'd like it to be slightly suggestive)

!The BSD Boys X A Stalker!Reader!

Scenario:- how I think the bsd boys would react to having a stalker (reader is a bit yandere-y and creepy?)

Pairing(s):- dazai x gn!reader | chuuya x gn!reader | ranpo x gn!reader | kunikida x gn!reader

Genre:- im not really sure...

Type:- headcanons

A/N:-Hi there! SO I know you said u wanted it to be suggestive,but truth be told I don’t really see them taking it lightly enough for it to become suggestive… Now I know that not all writers on here will think that but I try to make my interpretations of how they would react in certain situations as accurate as possible.so I truly would like to apologize in advance for it not being what you expected/wanted🤕. @thesimpupthesky id love to hear ur feedback even if it isn’t necessarily positive 😓!

Disclaimer:- There’s nothing even remotely romantic about this.#prepare for blatant rejection and uncomfortable scenarios if you wanna go forward

->Dazai

Honestly he found it amusing,how you sent letters and little things and he found it even more amusing how you thought he wouldn’t know who you were.

Dazai was a man of many talents and finding out information he wanted and needed was one of them.

So he decided he’d give you the chance to talk to him,or rather for him to talk to you.

The next day dazai left the agency building for a little walk,knowing full well you’d follow him.

Once he was about to pass an alley,he turned into it instead of just going straight.

This confused you.

You’d been studying his routes and his schedules and the only thing he visited around here other than the café was the convenience store that always seemed to have a deal on bandages,and even that was a few blocks away.

Nevertheless,you followed him into the alley,maybe you could talk to him? Finally hear his voice speaking to you..

But when you turned the corner the alley was empty

You walked in and looked around,how could he have vanished??

Just as you were about to give up and leave you felt someone’s presence behind you.

you turned around you were met with the object of your admirations.

The man himself

Osamu dazai

And suddenly you were nervous…

No words came out of your mouth when you tried to speak,so he decided to fill the awkward silence himself.

“so you’re the one who’s been stalking me,” he said with a  laugh. “I was honestly hoping for a more challenging opponent”

This snapped you out of your trance.

“opponent? I-I don’t want to be your opponent…”

“what do you want to be then?”he asked,the look in his eyes showed he knew the answer.

“i…I wanna be your partner;as in,in a romantic sense”

“so you want to date me? Well im sorry to disappoint,but im not interested”

“but-”you began and were immediately cut off

“I’d like to be with someone who would be willing to commit double suicide with me,and im guessing that you aren’t hmm?”

“i-”

“mhmm,”he said turning around to leave the alley,  “that’s what I thought”

“but I love you!”

He turned back to look at you before leaving the alley, “how tragic”

And with that he was gone

->Chuuya

Honestly it really pissed him off.

Everyday,his mail was filled with letters and little knick knacks you’d sent him and it was getting really really annoying,because you’d had the brilliant idea of making your letters look like official ones he actually needed to open.

He’d gotten pretty good at telling when it was one of your bs ones or his actual mail now.but he’d always end up goin thru the ones he’d sorted out too.

He couldnt risk missing anything important.

And while it did make Chuuya’s life a living hell,he didn’t think you were worth engaging.so he suffered in silence.

That is,until he received a rather unsavoury package.

“Unsavoury how op?”You must be asking!

Well lets say he knew it was a bs letter when he saw the package alone.

Because it was wet.

He grabbed a paper towel and used it to toss the package aside,looking through his actual letter pile to make sure nothing important had been soiled as a result of your annoying-ass shite.

Thankfully nothing had been ruined but when he had finished work that day,his curiosity got the best of him and he put on a pair of disposable gloves to open the package (AINT NO WAY IN HELL HES TOUCHIN THAT SHIT WITH HIS ACTUAL GLOVES! NAH UH!)

When he opened the envelope a set of undergarments fell out,and they were...nope he wasn’t gonna finish that thought!

This was the final straw!

This had gone on long enough and he was fed up.

Chuuya used the mafia’s resources and was able to find someone who could find out who tf you were

Once he had his answer he looked at your address and thought he’d give you about as much of a surprise you had him.

He picked open your lock and stood by your window all the photos and pictures of him you had tacked around, making his skin crawl.

just as you were coming in through the door you noticed a figure by your window and squeaked out loud in shock,dropping your bags.

“You-you’re-”

“The person you’ve been fkin inconveniencing,yeah” he said,taking a purposeful step towards you.

You took a step back,this wasnt how you’d envisioned your meeting! He wasn’t supposed to be mad...why was he mad??

“Inconvenience? I never meant to inconvenience you!” You squeaked out.

Chuuya didn’t even try to hide his disdain at that.but he also wanted to get out of there asap!

He looked you directly in the eye and said in the most intimidating voice you’d ever heard, “either you leave me the fxck alone,or ill send my subordinates to take out the trash.”

You were so shook by this that you fell over backwards and he took that as his cue to leave.

He held onto his hat and ducked back through the window.

this snapped you out of your train wreck of thoughts.

You reached out to him and shouted,clear as day and loud enough to be heard, “BUT I LOVE YOU!”

He looked back at you and the disgust that came over his sharp features managed to distort them in a surprisingly unattractive way

“Not my fuxkin problem!”

And with that he disappeared and your entire reality came crashing down as the fog cleared and you realised just what had happened.

->Ranpo

“Ooh mail!” He said as he went through the pile kunikida had brought up for him.

But nope. None of the snacks he’d ordered had come yet. And he knew better than to eat mystery candy from strangers,his dad boss fukuzawa had taught him better.

This was the fourth day too...

Ack he was sick of this!

Ranpo quickly deduced your location and asked dazai to take care of it.

He knew dazai’s past from the mafia and he really wasn’t bothered to go himself.

But he also knew dazai wouldn’t do anything unnecessary,so he was the perfect choice!

When dazai came back ranpo asked him how it went

“Oh,nothing special,just some poor soul stuck in a delusion”

To which ranpo nodded,commenting that it was finally over.

“Yeah about that,they said they loved you...sounded pretty convinced you loved em too.”

Ranpo knew this,but he asked dazai what his response had been nevertheless.

“Ah,” said Dazai, falling into the chair next to ranpo’s.

“I just told them that you had better things to do and better people to spend your time with.”

“ a bit harsh?”

“Mhm,but you know there wasnt any other way.”

Ranpo nodded once again and went back to his snack and cartoon.

The next days came and went and ranpo finally had his regular mail on schedule.

Now his pile was of boxes of sweet drinks,snacks and even more delights!

->Kunikida

This entire ordeal irked kunikida to his core

It neither made sense according to his ideals,nor did it make sense in general

Furthermore your letters and packages were becoming a nuisance

He had to end it.

Kunikida asked katai to find your location and when it was handed to him he took it and left.

Thirty minutes was all he allocated for this entire situation ,and he aimed to end it within his pre-set time frame.

He knocked on your door and when you answered it,you were obviously taken aback!

You struggled to find words so he filled in the silence.time was ticking after all...

“Good day,y/n. Im sure you know who i am but im here to tell you that i am not interested in you.you fail to meet all the criteria to fit into my spousal plan project and you have shown a severe lack of honorable ideals.therefore i would like you to leave me alone and allocate your time more constructively.thank you and good day.”

He bowed and turned to leave but you gripped his arm and with determination dripping from your every word said, “but i love you! We’re meant to be!”

He sharply shook off your hand and barely even looked at you as he said, “i wholeheartedly disagree.take care and goodbye.”

And then he left without even sparing you a glance.

All rights reserved © 2023 gettinshiggywithit . Please do not repost, modify or claim as yours.

[wolfpawzjakey]

Prompt - It Was All a Dream.

Jercy.

Brief description - Percy wakes up in the infirmary of Camp Jupiter and thinks that he dreamed of Jason's death and funeral, but Reyna and Annabeth, who were next to him, tell him that it was real... And Jason is really dead.

I will be very glad if you answer :)

Thank you thank you 🤲🏻

So, I wrote this without editing and rereading it. Writing ideas vs actually writing is hard. I’m working thru a writing block so thank you for sending this to me because maybe I’ll actually write something in full again one day 😎 (im crying under the shades)

-

Percy wasn’t unused to death. He was well accustomed to it in fact. He’d neared it himself on many occasions. He’d killed others with him own hands and actions. Death weighed on him, but living his life meant he had no other choice but to deal. Death wasn’t a friend or an enemy, he’d always fear it but knowing its certainty had made it a more comfortable burden to have.

But this death, this death had his system on high alarm. It was too soon, too much of a surprise for him to be able to process what was happening but it was right in front of him. Here he was, watching the life drain from the eyes of his boyfriend, the person he loved the most. It was not meant to happen right now, it couldn’t be happening right now.

But now? He could feel the blood between his fingers mixed with the gritty texture of the dirt from the ground as he tried so hardly to stop it from seeping out as fast as it did. His throat and chest is filled with cement and razors as his voice reaches his own ears like he’s underwater. He can feel the blood seeping into his keens from where he kneels aside Jason’s fading body while Jason’s eyes fight to focus on Percy or anything actually. His words are distorted, he can’t even make out what he’s saying to Jason but he knows it’s filled with dead end attempts as reassurance (both directed at Jason and himself… mostly himself). And gods, the thing he feels the most is Jason’s breathing coming to a slow stop, he feels as his chest starts to shake and stutter, and how each breath becomes less frequent and more spaced apart. How his last few breaths make his chest rise so high before falling like there’s a weight holding his lungs down. Then he sees his eyes dull entirely, no longer that human like glistening that reminds you someone’s alive. He looks silently at Jason’s still body, a body that is so familiar but now so pale and dead eyed. It’s like he’s somehow looking at a stranger now, because there’s just no way that Jason would leave him like this. There’s no way. So, he just sits, hands still pressed over the no longer bleeding wound. Jason’s still warm, he couldn’t possibly be gone.

When he’s shaken from the trance he’s fallen into, all hell breaks loose. He screams and sobs, holding on as his friends desperately try to pull him off. His hands slip away from Jason’s body… and then he’s sat up, eyes frantically searching the new surroundings for the horrific scene he’d just been in. His hands are clean, he’s not wearing the clothes he was in, there’s no blood anywhere on him. And then there’s Annabeth and Reyna, they’re looking at him with concern which means he must’ve been the one in danger right? Because Jason couldn’t be dead, right?

No, no, Jason wasn’t dead. That had just been a dream, it was easy to convince himself that he’d just be able to get up and go into another room of the medical bay and Jason would be there, healing just like him if he wasn’t just out elsewhere. Of course, Jason was fine. Relief flooded his body and coursed through his veins because of course Jason couldn’t be dead. Percy has had these types of dreams again, why wouldn’t it happen now too?

“Percy?” That was Annabeth’s voice, “Perce, are you okay?”

“I think so.” He says, sigh heavy as it leaves his lungs. “I don’t feel that much pain anywhere, I think I’m okay.”

“That’s… good.” She says back, but her smile stays sad, and that’s never a good side. Reyna looks closed off too, which is also not a good sign, but he just couldn’t understand why? Had he been injured that bad? Had something gone wrong when he was?

“Percy,” Annabeth starts again, her voice is guarded and gentle, it’s not unlike Annabeth but again, it’s not usually a good sign. “I’m asking more so… are you okay? After what happened?”

What happened? Panic flashes through him, fast paced images of Jason’s lifeless body and his body all over Percy, but that, it was just a dream right? “What do you mean ‘after what happened’? Annabeth, what happened?”

Her face falls and Reyna’s darkens more than he thought it could. “Percy, I’m sorry but Jason’s dead. You were inconsolable, you fainted after we’d tried to take you away. But… he’s gone.” And Percy’s world shatters again.

He doesn’t yell and cry this time, he doesn’t struggle and nor does he get up to leave the room, he just sits there. Annabeth wouldn’t lie about this, Reyna wouldn’t let anyone lie about this. It was real. The dream in its entirety was real. The grit and slide of blood and dirt between his fingers. The iron scent of the blood that soaked into his jeans. The harsh and slowing breathing echoing through the room. It was all real.

[mostlymaudlin]

okay. can neil sing? can any of the foxes sing? thoughts pleSe

okay i am not very good at Music stuff beyond just liking it, so i had to consult with my more musical friends @sillyunicorn and @starwarned ...i have a more informed opinion now. and im going to express it thru narrative, bc im me:

hold on to that feelin'

andreil, rated t, 1k

it’s been almost ten years since the palmetto state foxes won the ncaa championships and changed the world of exy. 

neil knew there would be things that would happen — sports fans love an anniversary. but he thought maybe they’d do a ceremony back in palmetto, or a magazine write-up or something.

he had not expected a film studio to want to make a whole documentary on the subject. he had not expected to learn this news on a call with ichirou, who had told him in no uncertain terms that neil would agree to do the film, and that he would be as personable and camera-friendly as he could muster. 

neil had especially not expected the filming to involve… karaoke. 

it’s one of several excursions the crew has taken the old team on this weekend. the film will include interviews and old footage, but it will also be interspersed with clips of the team “hanging out.”

“the bond you all created is part of the narrative of your win,” the director told them. “we want to capture the fact that you were the first team of foxes that actually got along.”

no one corrects this narrative. the documentary is going to be the hollywood version of neil’s freshman year. it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows and campfires and bumper cars and, apparently karaoke.

“i’ve never done this before,” neil says, holding the microphone awkwardly. 

“andrew!” nicky chides. “you’re the one responsible for giving him Real Boy lessons — how could you have deprived him of karaoke?”

andrew is lounging on one of the sofas in the small room they’re all crowded into, scrolling through the song selection to pick something for neil.  “yes, because karaoke is something i obviously consider essential to the human experience."

“raise your hand if you’ve done karaoke before,” allison says. she’d gone first, singing a show tune that drew complaints from half the room in a booming, enthusiastic voice. everyone except neil and kevin lifts a palm — including a reluctant andrew. “okay, yes, this makes sense. kevin, you’re next.”

andrew stops scrolling. “you know this one,” he tells neil. “just follow the lyrics on the screen.”

the title and artist flash up on the screen, but neil doesn’t recognize them. he slides andrew a look, but andrew only gestures impatiently back to the screen. 

just a small town girl

livin’ in a lonely word

“oh,” neil says, finally recognizing the song despite the instrumental version playing. “i do know this.”

“then sing it!” dan says. 

“just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit…”

neil sings. he can’t remember if he’s ever tried before, and he’s not sure if it’s going as intended. a couple of foxes laugh, and he’s self-aware to know that’s probably a bad sign. but whatever. how many of them made the us court? neil knows what he’s good at. and he’s done enough terrible commercial acting gigs to appease ichirou that he doesn’t much care about how bad he is at this type of shit. 

the others join in for the chorus and carry him through to the end. the cameras are rolling, and neil can admit that he’s kind of having fun. he is killing this camera-friendly thing. he is definitely not going to get a knife to the gut this time around. 

when he’s done, he turns back to the room. it’s quiet for a second, and then allison cackles so hard that she nearly falls off her stool. nicky and matt join in immediately. dan stands to give neil a hug, but she’s laughing too. renee hides her smile behind her hand.

“yeah, yeah,” neil says, waving them all off. he holds the mic out. “kevin, your turn.” 

kevin puts on an air of confidence when he struts up to the makeshift stage. he chooses a song by the black-eyed peas, and his stance is rigid and determined as the music starts.

“i think i know this one too,” neil whispers to andrew once he sits down in the narrow space between him and matt. andrew knocks his elbow into neil’s side, shushing him.

hmmm. kevin doesn’t sound quite like the song that neil’s heard on the radio. he turns around once he’s done, glaring at the room, daring them to react. they do, anyway. 

“there, i did it,” kevin says, dropping the mic to the floor and stomping off.

renee mostly sounds like she’s talking when she sings "hallelujah," but she smiles through the whole thing, so there’s less ridicule involved. matt and nicky give and energetic duet on a shania twain song that neil has heard each of them singing in the shower at different points before, and alison says it makes her ears bleed. aaron earns a surprised slow clap after singing “someone like you” by adele — “a doctor who played exy and can SING… maybe katelyn isn’t settling after all,” nicky comments. dan goes all out for a whitney houston song. 

“are you going to go?” neil asks andrew when nicky takes the stage for a second time. 

“absolutely not,” andrew murmurs, eyes on his cousin. neil huffs a laugh, but settles against andrew’s side to watch the rest of the madness.

later, when neil and andrew are back at the hotel, neil crawls across the bed to where andrew is sitting. andrew pulls neil in by the collar of his shirt for a kiss.

“aaron can sing,” neil says against andrew’s mouth. 

andrew shoves him back, making a face. “and?”

“is it genetic?”

“i don’t know.”

“hmmm,” neil says, flopping onto his back beside andrew. “i’ve never heard you sing. i’m curious now.”

“that’s because i don’t sing,” andrew says. 

neil sighs, knowing a dead end when he sees one. “fine.”

he gets up to get ready for bed, and then nearly dozes off when andrew takes his turn in the bathroom. he blinks a few times when andrew crowds against neil’s back, pressing kisses to the side of neil’s neck. neil is nearly asleep again when andrew’s voice pulls him back, soft and slow:

“blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these broken wings and learn to fly…”

neil doesn’t really know what constitutes as good or bad. but he knows that he likes the sound of andrew’s voice. he wraps his fingers around andrew’s wrist where is lays on him stomach, and andrew goes quiet again.

“keep going?” neil requests, voice only a whisper.

andrew heaves a sigh. 

“all your life,

you were only waiting for this moment to arise…”

[weaponsofclairvoyance]

i know people tend to be ableist & disrespectful if they havent personally gone thru this regardless of who they know or what theyre into but it is kind of unbelievable how many mcr fans are completely fucking insane about addiction considering like 60% of the art gerard way has made is. About addiction. like am i insane for thinking in a fanbase for that kind of music there would be other people who personally relate to this stuff rather than naive cunts who see very heartfelt personal art as fun fandomy joke fodder or, even more horrifyingly, a place for their completely unfounded opinion on addicts and their lives. i have other things to say about this but it makes me too mad so whatever

[bluegalaxygirl]

Full Moon (Zosan X reader) P3

Plot: While out taking photo's Sanji and reader get attacked by a strange creature. While the crew decide to hunt it down to save the village Sanji starts acting strange.

Warning: Violence, blood, bad language, Spooky stuff.

Sanji X Zoro X Reader, poly relationship, established relationship, Reader is GN. Reader is the photographer of the crew always carrying around a camera they made (Polaroid) that doesn't include a snail.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 4 - Part 5

Gathered in the kitchen Robin relayed what she had found out. There's a cabin on the other side of the island that belonged to an old man. He keeps to himself and performs strange rituals, at first the villagers thought he was a witch but on full moons a strange creature would show up and kill live stock or even people. The one person who survived an attack started to act strange and on a full moon turned and killed their family before the villagers managed to kill it using fire and sliver bullets. Since then the Villagers have been trying to kill the man, but he either can't be found or he'll kill you before you kill him. Years ago they gave up and stayed away form the man making sure that on a full moon no one goes outside and traps are set out. "So it's a werewolf?" Nami asks once Robin has finished "Yes, that's why Sanji was acting so strange. a werewolf bite can turn someone into one. Its said a werewolf can hear blood pumping thru someones veins and smell blood from miles away." you ponder for a minute before looking up at Robin "How do we turn Sanji back?" your determined and focused face showed you weren't messing around, you wanted your cook back. Robin signs looking down at her lap "There are so many conflicting stories i don't know what the right answer is. some say there is a cure using wolfsbane, other say you have to kill the werewolf that originally bit the person and then there are some that say..." she stops herself not wanting to continue, the thought of losing Sanji hurt her.

Standing catching everyone attention Luffy looks at Chopper with a smile "If anyone can fix Sanji its you, right Chopper?" he asks as the reindeer stands on his chair and nods "yes, we found wolfsbane in the forest so i can use that, Robin i'm going to need your help" with a small giggle Robin nods "Me, Zoro and Franky can deal with that werewolf" Luffy tilts his hat looking to his swords man and cyborg who both stand and nod "What about us?" you ask not wanting to be left out. With a laugh your Captain looks down at you "Protect the villagers." It seemed like a simple job but you were up to the task, plus if Sanji shows up maybe you can trap him and keep him safe. With everyone agreed you set off leaving the ship in Robin's and Choppers hands. Zoro turns to you before everyone splits up and places his forehead against yours "Don't get lost" you giggle trying to lighten the mood, he can't help but let out a huff at your words but his small smile gives away that he's not mad "Don't get distracted" he comments leaning down and placing his lips on yours. With a short kiss and a loving glance you both head off in your own directions.

You, Nami, Usopp and Brook head into the town center Usopp runs up next to you and holds out your camera bag "Here, i fixed it for you" looking down you see the dent in the camera gone and the chipped lens fixed "Oh my god, thank you" you smile hugging the sniper, pulling away to put the bag around you. Usopp rubs the back of his head and walks with you "It's no problem" he laughs but yelling catches the group's attention, people shouting and the voices get more clear the closer you get to the town center. A mob of Men are gathered around lanterns in their hands and armed with shot guns and pitch forks that seem to be tipped with silver. "What are you doing?" Nami yelled out catching their attention "You should all be inside, theirs a dangerous creature around" Nami continues but men only glare at the four of you before pointing their weapons at you "It's all your fault, you let another creature lose. We can't deal with the original, but we can at least kill the new one" The leader yelled as the four of you got closer "No one is killing it. Go back inside" Your voice full of anger yelling at the men. "I'd listen to them if i were you" Brook tilted his head trying to be scary but it didn't seem to affect them "We already have men out there hunting it down. We're here to protect the village now get lost" The leader stepped foreword almost getting in your face. The guns they have are custom and you assume they must be loaded with silver bullets, Your heart raced fearing the worst, these men could kill Sanji and you weren't going to let them.

"Out of my way" you glared at the man who laughed a little before your fist tightened and connected with his face, catching the man off guard he fell to the floor while the others got ready for a fight. "Y/N" Usopp groaned annoyed that you got them into a fight with the villagers you were supposed to protect. Nami hit some of their guns away with her staff while the others tried restraining the men but you ran off to the woods grabbing the leaders lantern before you do "Wait, were are you going?" Nami yells wanting to run after you but gets blocked by some of the mob "To find Sanji before they do" you yell back sprinting as fast as you could until you make it to the woods. It was dark but with the help of the lantern you made your way around keeping your eye out for traps. Now and again you would hear voices but it sounded like the men in the woods haven't seen anything so you tried to keep your distance focused on finding Sanji not starting another fight. You spotted a few traps on your way around, half hidden bear traps and snares that would wrap around a leg and drag you up into a tree, they weren't covered well, so they were easy to spot.

A few minutes of walking later you started hearing yelling and growling. Still trying to watch where you were going you ran holding the lantern in front of you as the sounds grew louder. Men yelling that they found it, some even laughing as you rounded the corner to see three men, two with pitch forks and one with a gun, their backs to you as they look down at the werewolf on the floor growling and snapping at them, its leg in a bear trap and the chain attached to a thick tree. "Should we call this in or just take care of it?" one guy asks moving his lantern up unknowingly giving you a better look at the wolf, its snout was longer than before and more hair seemed to be growing out of it making it look a little more wolf like than human but the hair was blonde, it was Sanji. Before the other man could answer you ran, rounding a kick into the side of the man's face, you went for the man with the gun first, picking it up as another guy ran at you with his pitch fork. You didn't have time to pull the trigger so you used the gun to block and deflect the pitch fork into the ground before using the butt of the gun to hit the man in the face. Jumping back the third man ran at you missing you and barely missing his mate, rounding another kick your foot connects with the mans side sending him into his mate who tried to get up form your gun punch.

With all the men passed out you throw the gun to the side and walk up to the still snarling and snapping wolf. "Sanji... is that anyway to thank me" you smile down at him with kind eyes while he attempts to stand and get to you but he falls back down the trap around his leg not letting go. Sitting on your knees you watch as he pants glaring at you but starts to quirt down "It's ok. i'm not going to hurt you" you keep your voice soft slowly reaching your hand out to him. Sanji growls but doesn't try to bite you as your hand gets closer soon running over his short almost snout your eyes locking on each other as you let your thumb rub over his cheek, the hair feeling more like fur. His eyes soften seeming to recognized you "It's me.. Y/n.. i'm here now" you sooth scooting a little closer as he tried to sniff you, your other hand moves up to run over the other side of his face, he tried to get closer but whimpers at the pain the trap is causing. "I'm gonna take this off, ok?" you say gaining his attention as you slowly move around him bending down to the trap. He watches your every move as you grab a large branch and pry the trap open. Pulling his leg out he looks you over, both waiting for the other one to do something. You weren't sure if he was going to run off or not. Sanji makes the first move on all fours walking over to you and sniffing your bandaged arm before licking it.

Reaching a hand up to his head about to run a hand thru his fur he pulls away still unsure of you but you know he's just scared and probably has no idea what's going on. Standing up, Sanji follows towering over you lifting his injured leg up slightly. You have to stretch your head far back to look at his face as he looks down at you and then his head snap to look into the woods. Male voices come form the forest causing Sanji to growl but you take his over sized hand making him look down at you "We need to go" you whisper watching him get down on all fours and start walking with a slight limp, the opposite way of the voices. Letting go of his hand you grab the lantern and follow Sanji starting to jog just to keep up with the wolves long strides. Trying to avoid people you both make your way through the forest going in the general direction of the town watching out for traps on the way but you weren't sure if you two should go there with the villagers wanting your boyfriend dead. Looking down at your werewolf, you notice the fur on his back is patchy, it seems where the hot water hit caused the hair to burn away leaving only tough skin and the bite on his shoulder was gone. He started to limp less and less as you walked with him, noticing the wound on his leg healing up. Looking over him you notice quite a few details about him that the other wolf didn't have, the villagers did try and kill the old wolf so maybe the damage they did made him look less wolf. You stop when Sanji starts growling looking into the darkness, walking backwards he pushes you back until your pressed up against a tree, arching his back his eyes never leaving the forest. You look around trying to see what he sees but can't, there's nothing out there and no voices but you can't shake the feeling your being watched. Sanji's growls get deeper and the fur on his arms and legs stands up making you realize your both in danger.

Zoro, Luffy and Franky have been walking for a while through the forest, they had a general idea of where the old man's cabin was so headed in that direction, Franky having to keep a close eye on Zoro, so he didn't wonder off or go the wrong way. "Hay there it is" Luffy yells running up the cabin with Zoro and Franky following, The cabin wasn't too big but looked well maintained, A one floor cabin with stone steps leading to the front door. The wooden cabin had a few windows that showed no light but the door to the cabin was left wide open. The tree's around the cabin were cut in a perfect circle and the grass was greener than the grass inside the forest. Zoro could sense something was off, it felt heavy in this area. Since the door to the cabin is open Luffy walked right in seeing a open kitchen, living room and two doors. There were lots of tables and shelves filled with books, knives, jars and herbs. It looked like a witch's lair but more messy. Some of the couch was clawed apart and one of the rugs was rolled up slightly to ravel a hidden door. "Oh man, what is that smell?" Franky covers his nose looking around the cabin. Zoro sniffed the air knowing that smell well "Its blood, old blood" he sates stepping further in watching his captain look around going thru the messy shelves "I don't think it's here." Franky sighs hoping to leave this nasty place as soon as possible. Before the captain or swords man can answer a thump comes form under the floor boards "You were saying?" Zoro raises an eyebrow at the Cyborg.

Luffy walks over to the rug and throws it to the side before unlocking the door "Lets see inside" he smiles as Zoro gets two of his swords out and Franky gets his arm gun ready. Opening the door there's nothing but a long stone stair case and pitch blackness. "Hay, how about some light?" Zoro asks turning to Franky who nods and opens his shirt to revealing his nipple lights, as the light pores into the basement all three look down to find a stone basement, different to the wooden cabin it was very clean and tidy although there were spots of old dried blood on the wall and floor. Luffy bounces up and heads down the stairs followed closely by Franky and Zoro. Getting further down their greeted by hooks hanging form the ceiling stained with dried blood and a strange symbol on the floor. a large circle with a square and Triangle attached in the middle painted white on the floor. "Maybe the villagers were right, this guy was a witch" Zoro sighs before wondering around finding a book on the floor. Picking it up the title reads evolution of mankind. "I think you were right Franky" Luffy groans turning to leave "It's not hear" heading back up the stairs Zoro follows handing the book to Franky knowing he won't remember to give it to Robin when they get back. The Cyborg gladly takes it and follows the two turning his lights off.

A loud howl and male screams fills the air as they exit the cabin, Luffy smiles wide before heading towards the noise closely followed by Zoro and Franky getting their weapons ready for a good fight. They have all been wanting this all night, a good fight and to get their friend back. Zoro couldn't wait to teach this thing a lesson for messing with his two lovers, he was thinking about all the ways he was going to make the werewolf pay "Guys remember if it has Blonde hair don't hurt it" Their captain yells not wanting to hurt his cook if it turned out it was Sanji. The other two nod in confirmation running over roots and brushes looking out for traps as they get closer to the sound of the scream. The forest became silent quickly and by the time the three got there only three man lay on the floor, clearly dead form a wolf attack "What are they doing out here?" Zoro asks looking over the men, two had guns and one had a pitch fork, picking up the farm equipment Zoro noticed the ends were coated in silver showing it to franky who glared at it "Their going after Sanji" Franky's eyes widen as Zoro scowls gaining the captain attention who looked at the two with slight shock before anger took him over. Tilting his hat down covering his angry eyes Luffy breathed before turning away form them "We're going to kill that werewolf and get our friend back".

[alligaytorswamp]

i've seen few posts of kaeya and childe together on ur blog. And i'm kinda curious on why ur fascinated by this ship

"few posts"?? 😭

asdjhkajlhdjjshslkda sorry it's just this ship takes up too much of my personality to be just "few posts of kaeya and childe together" 😭😭😭

ERM ANYWAYS... AHHAHAJDSKASD

uhhh 1. i am not the guy to give good explanations for any ship im crazy about 2. bad memory and inability to talk eloquently be damned

i'd say that first of all they just *feel* right. which is -naturally- subjective as shit i just can see them interact, i can see the potential in their dynamic, kinda like... they have enough in common but also plenty of stuff they would have different opinions on. and all of it matches nicely where it's not "people who wouldnt get along due to crazy differences in morals and worldviews", it's more like "compatible people, whose differences can actually help them improve themselves"

uhhh ofc the whole abyss thing, kaeya being part of tartaglia's trial, hydro+cryo swag, them both being excellent big bros, etc etc (i probably am forgetting smth important) all of which helps me pretend they are real and canon

idk really how to explain it, it's just very real to me, and most of it i can only astral project into ur brain through vivid hallucinations i have about their interactions

and if i had to talk about my *personal* taste and why chaeya hits so hard, well it's just my fav "trope", where a character i don't care that much about (tartaglia) is simping HARD for the character a love (kaeya) LMAO i loveee seeing love fucking up imaginary people ok, AND my fav gets to receive all the attention teehee ^_^ (all of this is naturally kind of a joke, and only the surface level of what i think or i like about this ship)

maybe i could come up with more "reasons" .. errr.. tartaglia is crazy, but kaeya could handle that easily and make him better AND worse their banter would be immaculate, like u know they could have annoying fake conversations about weather and work with vague jabs and threats and somehow it's them flirting, but then also!! them talking fr?? being all fucking honest??? bruh. a man dedicated to his country and a man who had to question where he even belongs? wOooOOoOOw... angsty! deep! fascinating! now also take tartaglia's loyalty/dedication and throw all of it at kaeya? wow. have anyone ever gone crazy for kaeya like tartaglia could?? i need that and i think kaeya deserves that both are good with kids.... augh.... like consider all the 'political' tension there may be and them being on guard since this other guy lowkey highkey could be an enemy and then they both interact with klee. and like. WOW. no way this guy suddenly showing so much of his sweet and caring side?? 2094893 injured and 1 dead (it's me) ohhh they have such hardcore slowburn potential too... bc DENIAL ... and they shouldnt even like each other, but when they talk the sparks are fucking speeding thru and the flirting happens so naturally and oopsy daisy they are now casually writing each other letters totally insisting that all of it is to get some secret information out of the other but both long forgotten what that secret info even was AAAA ah.. there is just so much............... i could have written many novels of just my incoherent thoughts about them 😔

[somuchyoudontknow]

Take it with a big grain of salt...

I had this dream two weeks ago. I didn't post it because I wasn't sure if it could be true or not but the energy of the dream seemed too real to me. I discussed it with some of my friends and I decided to wait for a few days and if I get some signs I might post it to warn people what might be coming next. People who have followed me from the beginning know I have always said that this PR would not go down to a fake engagement but I think it might be coming.

The dream:

"I saw myself and a few Tumblr friends preparing some gifts for Chris. I saw my friends going to Chris' house to deliver them to him. Megan is standing in front of the house and the house is locked and my friends were informed no one was allowed to meet Chris. Megan took the gifts with the promise that the gifts would be delivered to him. Megan then handed them a wedding invitation for Chris and Alba. It was made of clear glass and the wording was etched on it. The etched wording was painted in red color. My friends returned with great disappointment. I believed the wedding was happening since the wording was etched. Most of the fans left since almost everyone believed it was real. A few fans stayed and we kept watching Chris' house. Although the house was locked but we somehow got photos that Chris and Alba were staying separately and they had no contact. It seemed odd to us why they were staying separately in the house and were not allowed to talk and be in contact although they were getting married. We never saw them out of the house together. We saw all the wedding preparations for days. Oddly the preparations that we saw were happening in the air above the house. It seemed like an illusion but we believed it. This seemed to continue for three months and then the preparations stopped. After a few days the gate of Chris' house was opened, we were all allowed to see inside his house. He was alone. Alba was not there and we were surprised to find there was no sign that indicated she ever stayed there. The wedding did not happen.

Interpretation:

I discussed this dream with many friends. Some of my intuitive friends agree that the dream holds meaning and it is possible they might take this shitshow to the next level and it might include fake engagement.

A very good and wise friend thinks the dream could be symbolic and we might never get any kind of fake confirmation. She also thinks we are already in the end process since at the end rumors double down. The dream is symbolic and it represents the overall situation happening right now. Here's her interpretation:

"Two separate people. Alone, in different places. Megan is running the show. She's the one giving out the information (as she runs pr). Its telling a story to people, that they're a couple. That they're living their lives this way. Yet, they are separate and distinct. And he's going be with it, as he's hands off it all. Yet, people can see right through it. It may say one thing: "wedding! Couple in love 💕!" But people see right through it. They look at the pics of the pap walk, and go: these folks hate each other and he doesn't want to touch her?!🤦‍♀️ So, despite what the words may say, people see right thru it. All that work and preparation was like a puff of smoke. It was all fake. Then, it was done, and she was gone. Which she actually was, all along. Interesting. Maybe it's not literal?🤷‍♀️🤔 Maybe it is? Either way, it shows us what it's been like, all along, which is fascinating!!

The glass invitation shows people can see right through. They can figure out what is true and false. Glass can also be broken. It seems like a reality that has been created and it can be shattered easily."

My interpretation is we might be getting some kind of fake confirmation that they are getting married.

Glass in dreams has many different meanings. Glass is generally a symbol of clarity, fragility delicacy, reflection and transparency. It can also represent an illusion. Glass objects can represent issues that are sensitive about total embarrassment. Something in your life that is beautiful to notice, but easily destroyed by carelessness. It can also reflect the sensitive ability to "shatter" hopes or expectations. Feelings about dangerous handling a sensitive issue. If you are peering through a glass represents your innate capacity to see through people’s facades and discern the truth. You are not easily led astray or influenced in the actual world. Glass can also be associated with feelings of being exposed to the public or being on display. This can be linked to feelings of vulnerability and being judged. Seeing glass in a dream can be an indication that the dreamer needs to take a step back and get a better understanding of their situation before taking action. glass can also be associated with feelings of being exposed to the public or being on display. This can be linked to feelings of vulnerability and being judged. Seeing glass in a dream can be an indication that the dreamer needs to take a step back and get a better understanding of their situation before taking action.

Since glass can have dual meaning, it can represent clarity and it can also represent the ability of the people to see right through the facade and illusion, I think many people are going to believe something that might happen in this shitshow is proof that it is real. Etched means it would be made believable. The color red is an aggressive force associated with great passion and emotional power. It also represents impulsiveness, rage and intense anger. I think if they provide some kind of announcement, it will be met with great anger. The backlash would be great. Big humiliation might be coming for Chris.

Very few will be left who would see right through the illusion that has been built up. There will be chaos everywhere. I think the biggest proof that can make many fans to believe it is real will be an article in the People Magazine. It could be any other thing but I personally think if People publishes an article saying they have sources confirming they are engaged, it will be a deal breaker for many people. Some fans would not believe it and still call it fake.

There will be many rumors about the wedding preparations but we might never get anything directly from Chris or Alba. The dreams and visions that I published a while ago, I had a dream where Chris said no to some kind of photoshoot. I think if he was asked about having photos, he declined. I think there will be no photographic or concrete proof of this fake wedding arrangement.

There will be a lot of trolling and most of the fans will either leave or become haters. Every rumor will probably involve info from "sources" and no direct proof. It will continue for three months June- August. In September they would get quiet and before October or mid of October, it will be wrapped up.

I needed a few signs if this dream could have some meaning or not. The first sign for me is Wild Bunch buying Portuguese movies and promoting them. There is no release date for Amelia's Children and if Wild Bunch has to promote their Portuguese movies, what other great way would be to promote a Portuguese actress using a PR relationship with a well-known American actor.

The second sign for me has been Justin's dad's deleted FB comment.

This situation is very similar to Elsa posting the Pumpkin photos before Chris did. In a similar way a team real blog was informed about Elsa's profile pics. What happened next? That thing was used by the articles to speculate Chris and Alba were dating. Elsa also deleted the pics. We spent days trying to understand what was the purpose of it and called it trolling. Alba's side trolls but sometimes not everything is a result of trolling but rather a carefully dropped breadcrumb that is used later to move this shitshow forward. Same thing happened with Chris' charity video. fans found out he was in PT. In both cases, articles used "fans' detective work" to publish articles about their relationship.

In this PR, social media and fans are used very cleverly to create a narrative and move it forward.

I hope I am wrong about my interpretation and way of thinking and I hope no such thing happens but I had decided to myself if I get signs I would put out a warning for everyone to prepare their minds for the worst thing to happen. I am not trying to create panic here or stress out anyone. I believe it is 100% PR and everything is fake about this relationship. I just think they might go down to a fake engagement announcement sort of thing. I hope I am wrong. Please don't take anything that I am saying as a fact. It is just my intuition and way of thinking and I can be wrong. Please take everything with a grain of salt.

[manysmallhands]

Top 10 Albums of 2023!

This was all supposed to work out differently. As i recall from the now long distant past, my original plan was to do a countdown where i put up one post a day throughout December. However, I got Covid on December 1st and that plan immediately became lame and useless. After that, my assumption was basically that i wouldn't be able to do any of this, but i got better more quickly than i'd anticipated and found myself working on these reviews in bits as the month has gone on. So, having rushed through all the the song blurbs that i wanted to do, here i am on New Year's Eve with a more or less finished Top 10 albums to put up.

The only problem is that there are ten quite lengthy reviews here and the vibe is already pretty tl:dr. But tbh that's fine: there really is only my girlfriend who ever reads everything (and i believe her, trust is what love is all about after all) so for anyone looking at this and thinking blimey, that's a lot of text, my advice is: you don't have to read any of it. Just look at the albums, scan thru to see if it sounds like something you might like and give one or two of them a listen if that looks like the case. The words are really just to keep me occupied but i'd like to hope that someone likes some of the records.

I said yesterday that i would reveal what the best one is and so I am now delivering on that important promise. The best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Anyone who follows me on whatever platform already knows that the best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Don't make me say it again.

Barbie - The Album

Few people have seemed much interested in the Barbie soundtrack, other than the punters who kept it atop the compilations chart for four months. I, as ever, channel the spirit of the populous. The sound is basically 80s synth pop updated for a modern audience  - the likes of Haim and Ava Max slot in predictably well - but its the extra dimensions created by how the artists interact with the film that provide some of its more interesting aspects. Sam Smith’s Man I Am reflects a surprisingly LGBTQ Ken despite protestations (certainly its "I'm not gay bro, but..." T-shirt is prompting a lot of questions already answered by the shirt), while Billie Eilish dwelling on life as a manufactured product makes for interesting and uncomfortable parallels in What Was I Made For. Mark Ronson’s plasticky production suits its subject to a tee, further cementing the conceptual unity of the project.

Star turns abound throughout the album as A-listers like Dua Lipa and Lizzo bring their best games alongside some terrific and unlikely downcard cameos. What Was I Made For? and Dance The Night were both deserved #1s, but the pacey pop punk of GAYLE’s Butterflies and Dominic Fike’s breezy, hook laden Hey Blondie are as much highlights as any of the bigger names here. Special mention should be made for Ryan Gosling’s I’m Just Ken, a blockbuster 70s rock number that, whilst puncturing the wider stylistic template, is batshit and hilarious enough to more than justify its place as well as netting him a surprise hit too. The quality lapses once or twice (Tame Impala in particular are bloody awful) but by the time Ava fires the final laser I’m generally happy to go back and start all over again. With banger after banger here, my verdict is in: the Barbie soundtrack is *Charli voice* HOT!

Claire Rosinkranz - Just Because

While this has been a year that I’ve gotten more fully into pop, it took a while for me to find many new albums that I’ve been interested in. This may partly be to do with me clinging to an idea that LPs ought to be substantial beyond having good hooks and charm. In truth, all I needed to do was revert to my indiepop training, where bands have never knowingly been fussed about having any great weightiness. But even so, it took Just Because to make it clear to me that no, you really don’t need any grand vision at all: a high number of great if frothy pop songs will do just fine. It’s a record which bounces from banger to banger in an endearingly sunny style, with each tune so catchy that their lightness becomes a strength rather than a weakness.

Rosinkranz’s voice seems to mark her out as one of the many Billie clones who populate the current pop scene but her musical ambitions are both simpler and more instantly engaging. Not yet 20, her songs have an element of schoolyard whispers which add a welcome silliness here and there, but she also plays with the intensity of youthful emotions to make them a little heartrending even as she goofs off. Highlights include Dreamer, a break up song where the vocal makes it clear that she’s far from as done as she says she is, and Wes Anderson, which offers some sombre advice but packages it in a song so sweet that you’d never know. But in spite of all this it makes no end of year lists (well, maybe just the one), being merely a lovable set of songs that are very hard to forget. Need it be more? I don't believe so.

Doja Cat - Scarlet

Mired in discourse throughout the year, Doja Cat still found time to make a chart topping single (Paint The Town Red) that took the world by storm and a cracking album which, sadly, did not. Scarlet was in my opinion the better of the two: largely ditching the afrobeat pop of Planet Her, Doja staked her claim as an old skool rapper and brought it off pretty well, mixing hard rhyming with her more scattershot pop delivery and sounding entirely comfortable wherever she landed. While flitting musically between modern RnB and neo-soul grooves, her subject matter was largely taken up by how much she hated her fans, a bold strategy that found her shedding support even as blistering tracks like Fuck The Girls shaped up as some of my favourites of the year.

Whilst I’ve found myself uncomfortable with both the company that she keeps and the views which she may or may not subscribe to (i feel safe in saying that she's a right wing edgelord but i suspect that’s the least of it), Scarlet is such a good album that I’ve found myself, if not making excuses for her, then at least deftly navigating around my distaste in order to keep listening to it. While Agora Hills often reminded me how serious she is about her scumbag of a boyfriend, it’s still a song that can submerge me in its beauty entirely; while some of the complaints from her online audience are less easily dismissed than others, it’s more comfortable just to think about the morons calling her a devil worshiper, especially when she mocks them so wickedly on the elegant Skull And Bones. Am I the problem? Maybe I am: it’s a place I often find myself in with hip hop, where faves are frequently problematic and exceptions beg to be made. As such, I can not wholeheartedly recommend this record to people who might want to take a principled stand against some of her bullshit. I can only say that, as a musical talent, there was no one better all year.

Lana Del Rey - Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard?

After 2021’s fairly middling brace of albums, Did You Know That There’s A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd always felt like it was going to be a return to form and this time the faithful were not disappointed. It was another epic and sprawling record which unfolded like a cross between The Bible and a 50s musical. While changeable in style, ranging from hammy country ballads to trap beats and beyond, the thing that springs to mind most often is the Great American Songbook, as Lana takes the melodramatic grandeur of those standards and soaks them in her own messy and complicated worldview. This draws in family, romance, the future, her relationship with religion and how it all scrappily fits together, ranging widely and wildly across 75 extraordinary minutes.

Much of the album feels like it’s being broadcast from a kind of dreamworld, although one that overlays with reality neatly enough. Lana’s dismissive “if you want some basic bitch go to the Beverly Centre and find her” line undercuts the mood on the otherwise lush and evocative Sweet but the impact is hilarious rather than jarring, a perfect marriage of the strange and mundane. In contrast, the brooding A&W initially brings that realism to a far more uncomfortable level, before goofing off wonderfully in the second half in a way that only Lana ever really dares to do. Much of the record feels like it's creating its own language, as key phrases (“let the light in”, “when you know, you know”) are repeated and musical themes come back around in strange modulations. All in all, while perhaps less satisfying as a pop record than Norman Fucking Rockwell, Did You Know… feels like her most complete statement on a personal level yet, whilst still working well within the broader world that she’s spent over a decade constructing.

Mitski - The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We

Despite liking the odd song or two, I have until now been largely immune to Mitski over the full length of an album. But The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We has a much more organic sound than I’m used to hearing from her, well adrift from the polished guitar rock of her big 10s records. Instead, it takes many of its cues from classic folk and country, occasionally lush and expansive, often determinedly sombre but always at a distance from the areas where she’s generally been at home. Opener Bug Like An Angel is a brooding scene setter, where Mitski unveils the terse and grumpy presence we will grow familiar with over the next half hour. The main elements of the album are already in place - the spare instrumentation; Mitski’s extraordinary voice, hard and intransigent but still full of yearning; the occasional, overwhelming interjections from the wings. It all creates a distinctive atmosphere, extremely intense but intimate too: we’re allowed into Mitski’s world but there’s a lot to take in.

Lyrically, the songs are both heavily allusive and extremely personal, like hearing ancient parables told by the characters from the story. Surprise hit My Love Mine All Mine seems to sit apart as a relatively standard love song but a closer listen reveals deeper layers; the placing of her love as something independent from its object makes it feel more of a piece with the album’s other enigmas. At a time where Mitski seemed to be cooling on being a rock star, The Land Is Inhospitable adds a new twist to her long musical journey, seemingly presenting a more intimate portrait while in fact retaining most of her essential mystery. As an album, it really is quite something: what that is I’m less certain of but I like it regardless.

Olivia Rodrigo - Guts

Tho I wouldn't have called myself a hater (I don’t think I would have been bothered enough), I don't really like Olivia’s all conquering debut Sour, which I thought a bit too one-note and overpopulated with slushy ballads. But by the time Guts came around I was open to listening again, drawn in by its excellent singles and primed for a different experience. Vampire, the best of them and more or less of this year, was a fantastic example of taking something that Olivia is clearly very accomplished at (the grand piano lament) and then, rather than running that into the ground, instead using it as a springboard for an entirely different idea. Get Him Back and Bad Idea Right hark back to earlier guitar based tracks like Brutal, but on Guts they form a much more substantive part of the album, cementing its brand of addictive pop grunge and working up a much goofier version of her messy teen persona.

Elsewhere, the ballads did in fact return. Some have speculated that this may have been a bad idea (right?) but for me they’ve been growers, particularly the likes of Lacy and The Grudge, where Olivia explores the bitterness of youth and uses it to tear holes in the people who’ve wronged her. But if I’m honest, it’s the rockers that I’m usually waiting for: whether the new wave pastiche of Love Is Embarrassing or autumnal Cure homage Pretty Isn’t Pretty, each one feels like a mini-revelation and it’s the style that I hope she leans on most in the future.

Palehound - Eye On The Bat 

Palehound have been around for a while now and every so often I’ve given their records a try and haven't really managed to connect with them properly. Eye on the Bat has been the first exception, though whether that's because it’s any better than the others or I just made more of an effort with it I don’t know. Its template is certainly well worn in the indie world - country rock with varying degrees of aggression or melodic sweetness - but there’s still a lot here that grabs my attention, especially in the charming indie pop of the title track and the heart-rending melancholy of Route 22.

But the thing that caught my ear the most was Ellen Kempner’s disarming honesty, with much of the album spent documenting what sounds like a deeply messy break up. Whether she’s bitterly picking through the fall out on Independence Day or remembering some hilariously embarrassing bedroom scene on opener Good Sex, Eye On The Bat's almost diaristic view is mesmerising throughout, making you warm to Kempner even as she works thru some of her own worst traits. And aside from anything else, her understanding of relationships underlines her strengths as a lyricist, as she dissects their complexities with wit, sympathy and occasional anger to capture all the stuff that transcends whatever we were hoping for in the first place.

Poppy - Zig

After the wild ride that commenced with 2020’s extraordinary pop/metal mash up I Disagree, Poppy has journeyed thru indie rock, goth and punk to wind up back where she started, only not quite. Zig may represent a return to pop - indeed it’s produced by Weeknd affiliate Ali Payami - but it’s one that’s filtered thru all of the places she stopped off along the way.

The crepuscular grind of Church Outfit and Knockoff sound like more danceable versions of the I Disagree sound, while the crunching title track suggests that she can still go as hard as ever. But there are nods to a lighter side here as well, particularly in the strong trio that wind up the album: The Attic recasts her sound in a euphoric drum n bass clatter whilst closer Prove It kicks up a remarkable blend of manic hyperpop and gentle electro-balladry, whilst still working in the rich emotional palette that she’s developed in recent years.

In one sense this is a huge departure from the frenetic punk of last year’s Stagger EP but the vibes here stake out territory that you’d still find oddly familiar. Some of the gothy ballads are less immediate than other songs but nothing on Zig is boring, just varying refinements on her ever evolving musical journey. The critics were split, occasionally rattled and sometimes just plain baffled, but that’s only to be expected by now. Poppy follows her own plan and rarely sticks to the same tune: in truth it’s a privilege just to be a witness to the chaos.

Sweeping Promises - Good Living Is Coming For You

One thing that I find missing in a lot of modern guitar based music is snappy songs with good catchy hooks. While Sweeping Promises appear to place their focus elsewhere - their high concept sound is best understood as someone broadcasting direct from 1979 through a wristwatch speaker - their second album still finds time to deliver fully on the tunes. Good Living Is Coming To You is steeped in bubblegum melodies and memorable choruses, with songs that become earworms before you’ve even registered how catchy they are. 

More than anything, it's dominated by Lira Mondal’s imperious vocals: whether it’s in the cascading harmonies of Throw Of The Dice, the fierce yells and hisses that close out the title track or her sweet voiced switch-outs on Ideal No, her character springs out of every song in a way that few singers ever really manage to impose. While you might think that the post punk era has been mined to death by now, Sweeping Promises drag new life into it by going back further: their sound may be heavily rooted in a specific moment but the elements of songcraft often have more in common with 60s girl group classics than gnarled art rockers. Ten bangers and no filler: Good Living Is Coming For You is everything I wanted from it and more.

Wednesday - Rat Saw God

While the queasy vibes of 2021’s Twin Plagues are still high in the mix here, it was the welcome injection of melody on Wednesday's third album that managed to alert the media. That lightness was more apparent in Karly Hartzman's lyrics than you might notice on a passing listen too: though often praised for her grimly amusing takes on middle American backwaters, the key to them was her deceptively soft touch, casting a sympathetic eye over grisly scenes even as she retained their gnarlier undertones.

Single Chosen To Deserve, with its crunching chorus and heartwarming romantic turnaround, feels like the designated big moment from the record but in reality Rat Saw God has an embarrassment of riches. Quarry in particular, with its Waterloo Sunset-esque signature and matter-of-fact dissection of grim local gossip, is an almost pop version of the most haunting aspects of Hartzman's craft, while the washed out bounce of closer TV in the Gas Pump pitches a lonelier scene in a similarly gorgeous manner.

This is not to forget that Wedneday can still rock extremely hard when they want to, especially on the brutal 8 minute Bull Believer, an ambitious multipart epic that ends with Hartzman screaming “FINISH HIM!!!” repeatedly over the chaotic finale. But while Rat Saw God brought this kind of sawtoothed sound back to widespread acclaim, its real trick was how it sugared the pill just enough to get it past even the most determinedly sweet tooth.

[possessionisamyth]

I agree on your post about fandom with Leon. I like him but the way fandom treats him and acts if he's the only character that has gone thru the most hell, it makes me not want to see him in any further content for awhile. Don't me get started on the shipping aspect of him whether it's self-shipping or his relationships with other characters.

I'd really love it if people who ship leon with themselves or reader or whatever would choose TWO ways to tag it as a group so I can block it en masse and not see their boring ass fantasies generated from character ai play out the same way 500x a day no matter how many variants of the tag I block.

Every time I think it might be a character analysis it's slapped with "He Wouldn't Fucking Say That" but for every sentence, and I get to decide whether I'm going to block or scroll faster.

Shipping aside(because woooo do aeon, cleon, and jilleon shippers love showing their misogyny as much as people who ship leon with other boring white men), seeing people baby him incessantly as if he's not a grown ass man is a different level of fury. Yes, his job fucking sucks. Yes, he was suckered into it. He's not special actually. How many people have the option to not work a shitty job for an uncomfortable period of time in their lives without suffering immediate financial consequences? I'll tell you who. Rich people. Who I don't respect anyways. You know who else has a shitty job? Literally the entire recurring cast of characters we see, majority of whom are women.

You know what usually makes a job shittier? Not having a dick. I cannot fucking imagine the hell that Jill, as much of a paragon in her field as Chris is, has to experience from the men higher ups questioning every single fucking decision she makes on top of dealing with bioweapon bullshit. Her only reprieve? Probably Chris or Barry stepping in for her to shut them up, and if not that, she can get some of that anger out through the gorey, visceral violence some people dream of having as an outlet when dealing with shitty customers in retail.

And don't even get me fucking started on Rebecca and Claire who don't have the mercy of that much of a reprieve! Both of them have to deal with politicians from multiple countries, majority men, also questioning and second guessing their every plan while they try to provide life-saving medicine and resources to people who need them. You know what Leon has to hear from politicians? Arrest or kill this guy and go home. Escort this person and go home. They dont' question his competency. I know for a fucking fact Claire and Rebecca get the third degree if they so much as even suggest a faster way to supply necessary footwork in order to rebuild a neighborhood or save lives, meanwhile Leon goes home and does, uh, fucking nothing until he's called onto the next job.

But oooohh ooohh woobie baby pookie puppy daddy waawaa googoo gaga leon kennedy has a dwinking pwoblem. He's soooo babygirl and needs to be cuddled and protected and loved because his job is sooooooo stressful, and he's a victim.

You know who's a fucking victim in this situation post RE2? Sherry goddamn Birkin who apparently has zero fucking contact with Leon for 15 whole years after the government snatched them. YOU KNOW? THE GUY WHO SAID HE'D KEEP AN EYE ON HER FOR CLAIRE. THAT ONE. Did I mention she is a sudden orphan after watching her mom die in front of her? Oh, and her upbringing can be considered questionable at best due to RE6 being a genuine shit show. Oh and she also let doctors experiment on her body in order to A)Fuck around with the G-Virus, and B) figure out cures and vaccines, WHICH MOST OF WERE MADE BY REBECCA ANYWAY WITHOUT HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION? So like!!!! If I want to separate it further by saying who has the worst shitty government job dealing with Umbrella after it's shut down, it still isn't fucking Leon! Can you imagine the hellscape assignments they send Sherry into with her super healing ability??????? I know they're worse because she can survive egregious injury without them using money to provide medical supplies! And you know governments everywhere love cutting corners when it comes to money.

But Leon is blonde ONCE, in ONE GAME, a good game yes but is apparently so iconic his pain magically takes precedent as the worst above everyone else's. And I hate that so fucking much because even Leon doesn't think this about himself! Leon literally doesn't think he has it the worst out of everyone! He just kinda wants to die sometimes which is not the same thing! Yet, the unfortunate amount of fans with little to no media literacy believe otherwise.

[borderline-gays-club]

12/17/23 12:16 AM

I feel like I'm always playing catch up. And this has been an ongoing problem for a very very long time. At least since highschool. possibly before. And I now know its because of all my fun mental problems that work together to make my life a chaotic mess (less so now). But now I'm in a place where Im asking myself: how do I just exist without feeling like I need to get everything done right now. Like i cant fucking relax. And the problem is that there is some level of reasoning to it, but at the same time I need to find a balance, cus either way working crazy all the time is just gonna burn me out and cause me more problems in the long run. I have gone through so many periods in my life where I'm severely depressed and incapacitated and then hypo mania kicks in and I can do everything. So in the time periods of mania I would "make up" for all the time I lost and it was a vicious cycle. Even though my bipolar symptoms are currently managed with medication, I look back the past 10 years or so and I'm like wow. I lost a lot of myself bc of my BPD. and I guess thats where alll my current urgency is coming from. BPD took a lot away from me. Time that I can never get back. And I can't say I regret it, because with the tools I had back then, it just wouldn't have been possible to have made different choices. I will say, with every step of this journey in my life, I really have always been trying. Even at my worst I was trying to find ways to not be so miserable. I really wouldn't give up. Its in these moments of reflection that I can really say that my will to live has actually been very strong this whole time. Even when i wanted to die. I still tried. The times that i basically gave up on myself was when my miserableness was being blanketed by obsession/FP shit. That was the perfect way to completely lose hold of myself and dedicate every fiber of my being to that other person. and it would feel euphoric and would get me out of depression. Its terrible. literal addiction shit. These are the times that I mourn because it really does feel like regression. And as much as i dont want to treat myself like a project that must always get better over time, it really just feels tragic how much of my 20s I've lost to losing myself in other people. But this is all time i cannot get back. There is no point in regret. And also, I cant regret decisions I couldn't really make. A lot of this lost time is really due to lack of care that I needed. From my parents, from doctors. I was simply emotionally and medically neglected, and I did my best with what I did have. All I can do now is to strive to live in my truth. but first i must figure out what my truths are. Because I still don't really know what self means. Im figuring it out tho. *last note: mayb i just need to view time differently. I'm viewing it as a linear thing, but I know that time is not really linear. Life is certainly not linear. I think I still view my value with what I do and what I create. This is something I'm working through. I think the question is also: Who am i if I did not make things? Where would I place my self worth without being able to make things? theres always a lot to work thru.

[namelessbrand]

The moon is beautiful. Isn’t it?

Prompt: Gorou x reader

Warings: angst?

A/n: I promise another character is coming :) I’m not telling who but if you want to recommend a character please do ;) Ps this on is long

Many people would say you and Gorou where like the moon and the sea. Longing to be with eachother but you could never. You as a general of the shogunate’s army and he a general of the resistance.

You and Gorou were childhood friends you visited him often on Watatsumi until the vision hunt decree was announced.

You knew you had to see Gorou as an enemy now but it still aches your heart. You longed to tell him how you felt but..you couldn’t.

On his part it wasn’t easy either knowing he is going have to fight his best friend he was not eager to start this war. But he had to put his own yearnings aside because this is not about him or you it’s about the people.

“Is something bothering you Gorou you seem out of it” a soft but still firm voice asks the general

“I’m fine i just…” hesitation sounding in his voice he was not sure if he should tell Kokomi his problem not wanting to bother her.

“It’s about Y/n Isn’t it” he nods at Kokomi her correct statement.

The divine priestess knew this would hurt him but she knows he’ll bite thru.

“It’s going t be fine, if we win this war you can see her again” she tried to comfort her general.

“Yup I shouldn’t let my wishes afflict the war thanks your excellency!” He said with a bright smile.

You we’re on the battlefield there you saw him. The eye contact being to hard to bare you look away.

“She looked away does she hate me?” Unconsciously his ears drooped down as he asked himself that.

You have your weapon at the ready purge all the obstacles in your way. You wanted this to end why did they have to be so stubborn. You just sigh. You noticed Kokomi wasn’t here where could she have gone.

“Don’t lower your guard Y/n” you hear a commanding voice. It’s Kujou Sara.

“Sorry I was just wondering where they’re leader Sangonomiya was”

“That doesn’t matter right now FOCUS”

“Yes ma’am” you said in a half sarcastic voice”

“So what did you want about Kokomi”

“Isn’t it suspicious that she not on the battlefield” you said contemplating whit your fellow general.

“I think your over thinking it don’t you know that she’s not really the fighting type” Sara says disregarding your question.

“Urg don’t treat me like Heizou please” you whined at your “friend”.

“Then don’t act like him” she scoffed

(Like now the traveler joined the resistance and their doing like one on one fights you remember please do)

“Y/n maybe you should go” the woman says not having no as an answer.

“Fine …” you go into the ring feeling the strong aura of your opponent you shiver a bit.

“Woah you look like a very formidable foe I guess this battle is not going to be won easily” you said praising your opponent

“Same goes for you” the blond female says (yes this is lumine you got a problem?)

After a long battle the travel stands victorious

“Well fought” she said

“Thx”

(I realized this is long and there is practically no Gorou x reader so here)

The war ended in the resistance being the victors. You decided to head back to Watatsumi kinda scared cause you fought against each other.

“Welcome back Y/n” a familiar voice greeted its Kokomi.

“Ah hello” you said visibly embarrassed.

“It’s not your fault Y/n “

“I know but I still injured and killed loads of resistance soldiers” you say with regret in you eyes.

“Y/N!!” You felt someone hug you from the back

“Hey Gorou” you said pecking his forehead

“Wha-ah!” His ears shot up and his tail began waging vigorously as a crimson blush covered his face

“I guess I’ll leave you to love birds alone” she said giving a little chuckle.

“Kokomi!” Gorou said but she had already left.

“You seem to be in a good mood is there anything going on” you ask him

“Yes as you know we won the war and we are holding a victory feast would you like to come” he asked excitedly.

“Um I don’t think I deserve to be there since I’m from the opposite side and probably killed or injured many of there friends” you said politely declining his invitation.

“Didn’t her excellency say it isn’t your fault?”

“Don’t get me wong I’d love to go but I wouldn’t wanna ruin the mood”

Gorou cupped you face in his hands

“ you did help us I heard you stopped one of your soldiers from killing Hisahiko and many others so..” after Gorou finished that sentence you felt the heat rise to your face.

“Fine I’ll go” you said covering the crimson blush on your face

“Great wear something nice” he said abdomen growing on his face.

You go to your old home on the island you asked tsuyuko to take care of. You go in with your luggage grab something nice and wait for Gorou to pick you up.

*insert doorbell sound*

“That must be Gorou “ you quickly open the door

“You look nice y/n”

“You to :)”

“Let’s go”

You grab Gorou’s arm you both start to blush instantly. You arrive at the party it’s so beautiful.

Not trying to be rude but you never expected It to be so beautiful

You go to Kokomi and great her she looks like a fairy as always.

While you were talking with Kokomi you realized Gorou had gone outside you follow him

“Are you okay?” You ask him

He nods

“ just thinking abt something”

…

“The moon is beautiful isn’t it”

…

“Yes it really is”

…

(This is so long broo I feel sorry for myself I need to reread but I’m so lazy Urgh and the people who made it this for)

[spontaneouselfcombustion]

It’s very weird thinking about how things like míriel just Giving Up and dying is essentially???? Kinda???? Like??? Elf suicide???? Like she dies of her own will and volition. She even does it after a traumatic event (bc a childbirth that intense and medically effecting does count), in a state similar postpartum depression? Like she’s so unable to keep going she just Doesn’t. And it’s the first time that’s ever happened. And even living in the halls of mandos and just Vibing doesn’t help soothe and restore her. Even when she finally DOES reembody she says close to the dead and the goddess of sadness like damn, my girl is really going through it and elves never invented psychology so rip.

And just— when you put it like that. Finwë wife killed herself in paradise. She couldn’t continue and she chose to not be alive anymore. No one has ever done this (yet— I’m lookin at you thousands of elves about to get tortured n shit B) ). He’s got a wee baby to care for his wife just effectively committed suicide and he has no support because no one fucking knows what to do with this. It’s never happened before there’s no protocol for this. And she won’t come back. it’s not just that she can’t like with humans it’s that she’s choosing not to. It’s cruel to put it this way but she’s actively abandoning her husband and baby who love and need her. It’s not her intention and in many ways it’s something she can’t help but it doesn’t change that it’s going to feel like that for them. So finwë is just left totally bereft and isolated and pours everything into fëanor until the loneliness is so unbearable he asks to be able to remarry because he can’t take the sorrow and isolation anymore.

And then for fëanor man— she’s not just gone she chose to be gone and he did that to her. That’s so damaging to a growing child. Like it’s not totally true and míriel would never blame him but when you look solely at the facts— míriel is Fine, míriel has fëanor, míriel is so Not Fine she chooses to pass on. It’s going to eat at him. And again since this has never happened before and finwë doesn’t even have the experience of raising any other children to rely on for some of it none of it gets addressed really. Fëanor and finwë become intensely enmeshed and codependent because they’re the only two elves in all existence at this point who can comprehend this kinda is suffering and trauma. And OFC fëanor hates his stepmom and half brothers. It’s CLASSIC we can all look at fëanor and see like, the standard template of every kid struggling with changes to the family dynamic after a parent’s death or a divorce. It’s just no one here has HAD a parent die like this OR had a divorce. So once again no one actually knows what the fuck they’re looking at or what to do with it and so it festers.

I feel like if you wanted to you could sit down and trace basically everything bonkers fëanor does beck to míriel’s suicide and the subsequent events and dynamics it creates after. And not in a “it’s all míriel’s fault for being so weak and not just toughing it out blah blah blah kinda way” but just that all of this was so damaging, scarring, mismanaged, poorly thought thru on all sides, and just massively impactful even outside of their house (like they made a LAW bc of it, it’s the FIRST TIME these events have ever occurred, some might not have even thought what míriel did was POSSIBLE — at least on an emotional level) that OF COURSE it effects all his actions and choices. You could probably look at things like the kinslaying and find some shadow of míriel’s effects on him there.

Like okay— lemme just do just that in a very odd the cuff manner, just off the dome. No matter what finwë might’ve said fëanor had likely lived his entire life with at least a small part of him believing he is Bad and Entirely Dangerous/Evil. It’s the child logic of “it hurt my mommy to have me, she didn’t want to live because of it. I must be bad to have hurt my mommy so bad. She must not have loved me enough or at all because she wanted to be dead, she didn’t want to raise me. She must have known I’d only hurt her more because I’m so bad. Maybe she hated me because I hurt her so much she felt she had to die”.

Like— unless the gateway is wrong or I’m worse at math and reading than I thought— she dies when he’s around a year old. So he never got to meet her. He only has the facts and whatever flavor people put on it when they talk about her/what happened. He only has the facts of it and no real knowledge of her as a person to help inform why this would happen and maybe help him understand her and find a smidge of peace or release from that self loathing. He only has the idealized stories his father tells him about her (and you know finwë’s stories of her are all soooo glowing bc he’s in his own grief too) which can make him both love her as this Concept of a Perfect Mother who’d Love Him Forever and also make him feel Worse bc He Killed Her/Made Her Want To Die.

It doesn’t matter that fëanor is an adult with kids when finwë remarries— it’s going to absolutely obliterate his precarious mental health. And his new stepmom and half-brothers are all like nice, charming, well liked good people. Fëanor is not. He’s respected and admired but not as universally well liked as his brothers, he’s absolutely a personality you gotta have a taste for. It just hammers in for him the idea that something IS wrong with him. He was Not Enough for his father of his mother. Finwë went off to have more sons and that’s Proof. And it just Spirals from there for years as fëanor’s issues never really get addressed and the relationships spur and strain.

By the time his father his murdered and his silmarils stolen he’s 1) obviously out of his gourd with grief and rage and 2) probably going to find it easier to be The Bad One. Sometimes it’s just easier to lean into thinking you’re bad or evil or cruel. It feels like owning what people put on you or putting on an armor. And he can also tell himself that he’s avenging his father as his true son and being the bravest and strongest of his brothers, doing all the things they’re too weak to do. He’s already Bad anyway so why not be Bad and use that Badness to mow through every obstacle between him and the REAL enemy everyone else is too weak and cowardly to deal with? They should’ve just given him the boats. It’s not his problem they were fools. Didn’t anyone tell them he’s just as adept at destroying as he is making?

Like— I feel like there’s holes in that example and malformed bits but it’s literally just what I came up with on the spot to kinda prove my point. Míriel’s death, the nature of it and the repercussions on her family and elf society are just bonkers. If you want to sit down, think about them and map them out you can find the shadow of them everywhere without having to really get into any bullshitting or reaching.

[strawbrygashez]

Java Dude x Postal 2 Dude

Shit I don’t wanna say

This fic takes place during Paradise Lost!!! Dude helps out this other Pdude :D I wonder what will happen?!??!??!

————————————————————————

At this point, Dude thinks that even if God himself came down from the great Heavens, it wouldn’t shock him much. This week up till now has put him in thru the ringer with how many odd situations he found himself in, some more humorous than others. The one he was in right now probably should have him freaking out a lot more but honestly, he mostly felt ‘whatever’ about the fact that basically a clone of himself was walking beside him in the rain, acting nonchalant as could be as he whistled out some tune.

Honestly Dude was more surprised by the fact that he spared what little money he had on him as it was to get the man next to him his ‘oh-so-needed root beers’. Not only that but he agreed to let the man stay with him in his hotel room. Okay, maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising. Dude could be a bit of push over sometimes but that was mostly saved for people he actually knew well or had some level of care for. He’d only just met this guy this morning while taking care of some morning errands, so he wasn’t exactly sure why he was doing this. Perhaps it was the man’s story about loosing his home and car that hit so close to home. Well, he supposed since this guy seemed to be Dude himself and looked pretty similar to him, they’d have a few thing in common. He still wasn’t sure exactly what ‘Java Dude’ was. For all he knew he could be just a hallucination but honestly he couldn’t get himself to care enough to press him on more about it. He’d gone thru weirder things these past couple of days anyways.

-

Pulling himself out of his thoughts for a moment, he glanced back over to the other man. He really didn’t seem to have much of a care in the world for what was going on either. Maybe he was used to odd shit going on as well but it seemed like he caught Dude looking because he finally stopped whistling to smile. “I know I said it already but thank you so much man! I haven’t been able to get my hands on these for a while.” He said, making a show of shaking the bag the bottles sat in. Dude just shrugged. “Yeah well.. like I said I needed to pick some stuff up from the store anyways so- If you really wanna show me how thankful you are, why don’t you show me some appreciation when we get back?” SHIT. Dude covered his mouth quickly and froze in place. Oh yeah…He had that problem still where shit he really didn’t mean to say would slip out for some reason. His face burned a bit as he stared wide eyed at Java who just was watching him blankly back. Of course his brain had been quiet until then to say some weird shit..okay, earlier the voice talking to him was going on about how handsome this other Dude was and the voice wasn’t exactly wrong..but jesus fucking Christ. He wouldn’t mind jumping off a building right now.

“Shit. I didn’t mean to s-” Dude cut himself off when Java looked down and turned a bit red also. “Wow. Heh didn’t take you for the extremely forward type..uhm..I gu-” fuckfuckfuck. “No. I didn’t mean that, okay? Let’s go already. I’m fucking starving.” Dude quickly spat out before walking again, a bit faster than last time. Java only watched for a moment before smiling again and trying to catch up. “Hmm.. I didn’t expect you to be that shy to back down so quickly also though. What a shame.” Java teased as he leaned down a bit to look at Dudes face as they walked. It was still a bright red. Dude groaned and ran a free hand over his face.

“I didn’t- god. Okay. You see this wound up here pal?” Dude asked pointing up to his obvious bloody head wound with a frown. Java nodded. “Ever since I got this..I hear a voice and sometimes it says shit I don’t want to say. So..don’t flatter yourself bud.” Dude tried, swallowing afterwards. “Oh..so you’re like schizophrenic?” Java asked tilting his head. “I- no..probably not anyways.” That actually got Dude to laugh a little for some reason. Java grinned again also and threw a arm around Dudes shoulder. “Well, I still don’t mind showing you some appreciation later.” He joked. “Wouldn’t be the first time I did something like that for a quick drink.” Well..Dude assumed he was joking anyways, sometimes he really wished he could get sarcasm better but even if he was joking..it got his mind going and he really didn’t wanna think about the taller, buffer man like that right now, especially when all Dude really wanted to do was get out of this cold ass rain and relax for the first time in a while. “Hm..so there is a even more desperate and slutty version of me. Good to know.” Dude replied, still not daring to look him in the face. Java chuckled a bit at that. “You’re somewhat of a slut then?” Dude frowned again in embarrassment and shrugged Javas arm off as the hotel came back into view. “Shut up man.”

~

Luckily things eventually calmed down a bit once they were back in their hotel room as they casually talked about whatever bullshit they were currently facing. It felt nice to know they weren’t alone in dealing with this kinda shit actually. Being able to talk about the stuff Dude constantly goes through and actually be heard for once made him comfortable enough to finally loosen up since the first time in a while and lean back into the small couch while he listened to Java continue on about how he ended up in Paradise of all places. “I was so close to getting my car back too. I was in the middle of telling my story on the damn news but they cut me off. Can you fucking believe it?” He asked as he took another sip of his root beer and pushed some of his loose hair behind his ear. Dude nodded with a, “Trust me. I can..” while Dudes life never really involved dealing with gangs like Javas does, he knows all too well about life throwing the worst at you..and thinking you’re so close to having something positive happen for it to just all fuck up again.

Java shook his head as he leaned onto the couch on his side, facing Dude. “It really fucking sucks they burned down my own house down too..do you know how many of my action figures I lost? I spent so long collecting all those..” Action figures? That’s..kinda cute. Dude had his own ‘weird’ collection too, of krotchys in wherever his trailer was now. “That sucks. Sorry man..how’d the wife take it all?” Dude asked taking a sip of his own bottle of root beer though it wasn’t a drink he usually liked or picked up for himself often, but he spent the money on it so he thought he might as well take a bottle. Java raised a eyebrow and smirked a bit. “Wife?” He repeated. Dude shrugged, he assumed since they were both ‘Dudes’ more parts of their life would line up..but obviously he was wrong. “I don’t have a wife. I’m not really into women to be honest.” Java replied taking another sip. So there is a straight up gay version of himself..interesting. “Oh. Uh..that’s ok. Do you have a dog?” He continued. “Nope. It was just me in that house. It could be a bit lonely but I had some friends around.”

Dude couldn’t help to be a bit jealous at the fact this ‘Dude’ didn’t have to had dealt with a bitch of a wife day in and day out. Besides his occasional problems he was thrown into, Java ‘Dudes’ life seemed a lot more easy than his own. “That’s cool. My uh.. bitch of a ex wife left me a while back. Thank god.” Dude chuckled as he watched Java go to open another bottle. “That bad, huh?” Java asked as he looked back at him. Shit..This other Dude was really pretty now that Dude is this close to him and can see him well in the lighting. He was a lot more well kept than himself, with a cute haircut that fit him well, a clean shaven face and muscular body type. He also didn’t wear sunglasses all the time so Dude could see his brown eyes perfectly. The bastard didn’t have all the ginger traits.. no freckles, no green eyes, or extremely pale complexion, lucky him. “Yeah, I guess.” Dude finally said after a minute of silence.

“Well that’s good. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with someone I thought was a bitch” Java smiled, sitting back in his original position after grabbing his drink. Dude began to speak, “Mm. I- of course you wouldn’t. The only bitch here is you, pretty boy.” Shit. Not again. Dude scowled and caught a glimpse of Java turning red again. Dude ran both hands over his face. This was seriously starting to piss him off “fuccckkkk! I didn’t mean-” Java shook his head before gently taking a hold of one of Dudes wrists. “H-hey, it’s okay. I get it. It’s fine. Don’t stress over it Dude.” Java gently spoke as he watched him. Of course hearing Dude talk to him like that got his heart going..but he didn’t really mean all that stuff so it was fine. Even if he thought Dude himself was super attractive too.

He could see Dude taking some deep breaths in and out before Dude slowly peaked over his fingers. It was super adorable to see him get embarrassed like this though..maybe that’s bad to think in a situation like this but oh well. “I’m sorry.” Was all he said. Java grinned and while he loved being able to see Dudes green eyes since his glasses were now crooked, he shook his head again and fixed them for him. “Like I said it’s fine. I don’t mind..” Dude was so thankful, because he was sure if he talked like that to most other guys he knew he’d end up on the ground in a couple minutes flat so- “kiss me”. Java Dude only fumbled for a second before sitting his bottle back on the table. “Heh. You’re such a flirt Dude..the wound again? Or uh was it the voices you said made you talk like that..” Java asked trying to remember back to earlier.

Oh how badly Dude wanted to tell him that that was just the voice..it actually really was but for some reason he didn’t find himself wanting to say he didn’t mean that this time. It was out of no where and cheesy but..this tension between them was killing him and like he thought earlier, none of this would even compare to how weird the previous past days have been. “I uh- that’s wasn’t just..” Dude began, now blushing again, pissed off at himself for seeming so weird in front of him the whole day. Java was still for a moment, just watching him again before he pushed his own loose hair behind his ear again, like a ‘damn girl’ Dude thought…but couldn’t help find cute. “You want me to..?” He wasn’t really sure why he was asking again because Dude obviously was nervous and wasn’t gonna be able to go “hell yeah. Give me some sugar babe!” Unless the voice decided to say that of course. But Dude just gave what looked like a nod even though he was facing his head away from him.

Java smiled while scooting a bit closer and gently taking Dudes face in his hands and ever so carefully facing him back to look at him. It made Dude feel sick honestly getting handled like that but he did want this to happen.. “Fucking sissy.” The voice spoke. At least Dude and the voice both wanted to say that this time..well Dude half heartedly wanted to- but before he could think any more of that thought, Java finally leaned in and pressed his perfect, soft lips up against Dudes rougher chapped ones. It felt..weird but so right and good. And by the way Java seemed to melt so quickly into this and deepened the kiss, he could tell he was really liking what was going on too. Dude got ahold of himself and finally began to kiss him back, traveling his hands down to Javas hips, getting a high off the way even that alone got Java Dude to make a small sound at that, which allowed him to slip his tongue in. It didn’t take long for things to get even more hot and heavy before Dude suddenly needed to pull back finally to breath, now that he was underneath Java, it just all intensified it more seeing those eyes looking down at him. Java licked his lips and he watched Dude try to catch his breath.

Finally Dude began to smile also as he started to relax again. “Yknow..if you really don’t have anywhere to stay..after I get my trailer back..I wouldn’t mind uhm..you staying with me for a bit.” Java giggled and shook his head. “Really? We barely done anything yet and you’re already wanting to move in together?” Dudes smile stayed as he shrugged, looping a finger around the chain of Javas dog tag necklace. “I guess I’m used to that kinda reaction though. I guess we can see how it goes, sweetheart.” Dude pulled Java back down by the chain, capturing him in another kiss.